PRESBYTERY TRULY DISPLAYED: OR AN Impartial Character OF THE PRESBYTERIAN; BEING A Vindication of that Sanctified PARTY from the Virulent Calumnies of some Foul-mouthed DETRACTORS in this Modern AGE.  
To which is annexed The BALLAD of the CLOAK.  
LONDON, Printed for the Author, and sold by W. L. at the Crown in Cornhill. 1681.   

PRESBYTERY TRULY DISPLAYED: OR AN Impartial Character Of that so much Abused FACTION, etc.  
PRESBYTERY! the very Name implies Age and Gravity, therefore not to be exposed to the Obloquy of more Green and Frothy Wits, that are employed in Reviling this Innocent Faction; whereas Reverence ought to be given to the Grey Head, according to Merit, which is not to be Buffooned and Flirted at by every young Fop, who has not Phlegm enough to allay his Gall, nor Discretion sufficient to check his hotheaded Passions in their full Career: Nay, the word Puritan, a Nickname God-fathered on them by some of our scoffing Shimei's, and Rakehell Rabshakehs, implies in its genuine signification, no other than Purity; Like the Catharists of Old, who pretended to be more Sanctimonious than the rest of their Brethren, free from wilful Sin, though sometimes accompanied with Humane Frailties and Immoralities, and those sufficiently Notorious, as you shall understand by this ensuing Character.  
As for the common Name of Phanatic, it is the Appellative of all Dissenters from our Holy Mother the Church of England; and so Consequently not to be Appropriated solely to them: but he that denies it to any Faction, deserves to be Caged up in that stately Structure in moorfield's, as much as any Lunatic that ever was confined thereto, since its Original Erection. But to return to the Matter in hand; if you take into your Serious Consideration the ensuing Character of the Presbytery, I presume it will rinse out all the Stains they have been Tainted with, and wipe away all those Opprobrious Calumnies they have been bespattered with by some Black-mouthed Buffoons. In short, take it as followeth: A Presbyter is a Person that Inveighs against Debauchery in General, and Thunders out anathemas in a very Nonsensical Harangue against Drinking, Whoring and Swearing; but for Dissimulation, Hypocrisy, and Lying, Belzebub is not able to outdo him: And as I have heard it from one of the Rabbis of the Westminster-Sanhedrim, if there be one Place in Hell hotter than the other, that is the Portion of the Hypocrite; but I leave the Reader to make Application. He's a Man that always appears with a writhed Close-stool Face, and makes such Grimaces, that you must needs think him to be on the Jakes, strained by the Operation of a smart Cathartic; so that it may be said of him more truly than it was of one of the Roman Emporors', Ingenium male habitat. His Wit (if any) is ill lodged, his Soul is couched in a very Crabbed and Untoward Apartment; he ever appears, at best, like a Man out of his Wits, with a Swaggering pair of Ears, but not one inch of Hair; whereby you ought to understand, my Beloved, that he is no Legal Nazarite in the first place, and has been so Fortunate as to keep his Lugs on his Loggerhead, though by the Law of the Land he deserves to have them cropped (if not cut off) as well as the Triumvirs of their Order, Professors of the Three most Noble Sciences in the Nation, Divinity, Law, and Physic. He is Mercurius Coelestis, the Divine Mercury, or Prime Gazeteer, who acquaints the Lord of Hosts with the Success of Battles fought by his Peculiar People (as he Cants it in his Religious Jargon) during the late Unexampled Rebellion; and was the only Trumpet that Raised and Fomented it. He Outgapes a Tarpaulin in a Hurricane, which induceth me to believe that the Distance of the Heavens is more remote than Astronomers high their Observations have Discovered, or otherwise his Affected and Squeaking Tone were enuf to reach the Blessed Spirits, and Disturb them in their Heavenly Chorus of Hallelujahs. He is the true Pulpit-Boffoon, the Ecclesiastical Mammamouchie, such a Cusheon-Cuffer, that it wants no Dusting for a Twelvemonth after. He can Prate and Pray (as he mis-calls it) three hours complete by the Clock, with the Additional Help of Spawling, and the Assistance of Time-spending Coughs, Hums, and Haws; and Assaults the Deity daily with his Incongruous Preachment, that there is need of the Glorious Attributes of Patience and Long Suffering to Bear with, and Forbear him. The Sight of that Innocent and Decent Ornament, the Surplice will frighten him into a Tertian, and the Harmonious Sound of a well-tuned Organ, touched by a Skilful Hand, cast him into an Hectic Fever; a Distemper that scorns the power of Drugs, and is only Cured by Death. He's one that pretends to Religion, but abhors all Decency and Order; a Slovenly Fellow in Divinity, a mere Cloak or Demicaster-Divine, that scorns, and indeed deserves not, the Ornamental Vesture of Cap and Gown. One that is ever Pregnant, yet with nothing but Impertinence, and that too much too; who still winks in his prayer, as if he knew the very Way to Heaven Blind fold, or were at Blind-mans-buff with his Blinder Congregation: So Starched and Formal in his Looks, that the Philosopher, should he see him, would certainly laugh a second time, when an Ass mumbling of Thistles, at first was the occasion of it; and then he begins and tires the Infatuated Auditory with— Lord! we know Lord! ah Lord we do! that thou Lord knowst, good Lord! that we know nothing; and we thank thee, O Lord, O Lord, I say, with Ingemination, we return thee Thanks, that thou hast been pleased of thy great Goodness and Mercy, to make us sensible of our Nothingness: to make us empty ourselves of all Worldly and Carnal Things, for the Love of thee!— But enuf of this senseless Gibberish. And what think you is the Reward of this Ejaculatory Vanity? Why, he is Supported for it by those (that want Wit, God kno's, more than he does Money) I mean the Quarterly Benevolence of an Aproned Auditory, that Comfort the Cockles of his Heart with Cawdles and Restoratives, weekly at least; besides the Religious Vails that he receives at a Galloping-Lecture; and the Work of the Day being over, than he makes use of a Point of Chamber-Exhortation, and bestows on his Benefactresses a Holy Kiss, and so Engenders Faith and Goodness in them, by his Close-manag●d Consolation: Now if after that, according to the usual time, an Infant chance to Peep into the World, out of one of those Sanctifi'd Wombs, 'tis doubtless a Babe of Grace, a Brat of the Genevan Reformation, being begot by so Zealous a Bigot, on a Superstitious and Over-credulous Devota. Rabadineira, and the Spanish Mariana, are the two Politic Jewels that he keeps in his Closet, who hath so imbibed their King-Killing Tenets, that it is a matter of no small Difficulty to Judge, whether the Jesuit be Presbyterized, or the Presbyter Jesuited; there is such a Metempsychosis and Transamination among them, that it would puzzle Pythagoras himself to judge which is which; and if you add the Directory, and Assemblies Annotations, you have a Complete Catalogue of his Library. Nay farther, He's a pretty Beagle that Howls forth Sedition, and Belcheth out Blasphemy, A la volee, at Random; and if a well-minded Christian be his Remembrancer, and Tax him with his Error, he than has Recourse to his Zeal and Fervour, and affirms that his Holy Language is un-understood by the Profane Reprover. Set-Forms of Prayer he calls the Stifling of the Spirit, and mere Lip-labour, which are an Abomination to the Godly; but to Preach and Pray Extrumpery, and ad Saltum, O! there's the life and pulse of Religion, in such Fervent Orisons and Vigorous Ejaculations. If there be one Sentence of Sense or Coherence in Two Hours Discourse, he that hears him may venture to forfeit both his Sense and Reason; for his Folly in Lavishing away his Time at so Idle a Rate. His Method is Singular, for he Quotes you a Scripture, and then as soon plays the Fugitive, runs away from his Text, and Prates so long, till his Auditory run away from him too, before he has done. He's such a Cushion- Cuffer, that he beats the Suggestum, till the Place Echoes with the Noise of his Hand-Cuffs; and it is impossible for a Man overgrown with a Deep Lethargy, to take a Nap in his Conventicle; for before he can do that, he will catch you (as Moss caught his Mare) Napping. The Common Prayer is his Common Grief, tho' some of the Common People Curse him for it; but he, like a Religious Fox, verifies the Proverb, The more he's Cursed the more he Thrives. He's a Turbulent Fop, who is never Content with any Government, till his Head be Elevated a Pole higher than his Shoulders; and in truth, London-Bridge is the best place for a Presbyterian Noddle. He studies Invectives against the Pope, and in plain English, upon the account of his Ecclesiastical Authority, is himself but a Parochial Popeling, and Damns and Saves ad Libitum, as he pleases; like his Holiness, who presumes to do so too. He walks as Demurely as a Spaniard, or like a Man newly Recovered of a Consumption; so that you may say the Dominical Prayer between every step. He's a Man of a Crazy Constitution at best, and when he Salutes you, he pulls off his Castor with more unbecoming Formality and Simple Affectation, than a Country Carrier. He's of a Stubborn Inflexible Persuasion, one that will Bow to a Kirk-Jockey, but not the Lord Jesus: he will Cringe to a Holy Sister, but can't bend the Ham in the Lord's Prayer. Yea, and Nay, is the Standard of his Conversation, and I solemnly Protest and Vow, the highest of his Asseverations. In truth his Religion is but a mere Puppet-show, for he delights only in Formality, tho' he hates all Approved Forms of well Regulated Devotion. Look upon him in Puris Naturalibus, and Nature has Imprinted a Lively Character of him; for he is but an Inch on this side of a Natural. His True Zeal he pretends to (if any) is too Hot, and his false Religion (as we justly term it) is too Cold. In short, He's a Church Incendiary, a Pulpit Boutefeu, an Ecclesiastic Buffoon, a Preacher of Sedition, a Fomenter of Rebellion, a pretended Friend both to King and Country; but in truth the sole Enemy of both. And so we leave him and his Faction to a Condign Punishment here, and conclude with a slight, tho' home Touch, of their State hereafter, by an account of a late Vision in Hell. That there are no Presbyters in Hell, that's the Tenet which was proved Irrefragably, by the Great Learning and Sophistry of a Reverend Elder (I mean Presbyter, for that's his Downright English Name) who did hold forth in that Large and and Spacious Congregation at Pinner's Hall, and in his Sermon did sufficiently expatiate on the Commendations and Merits of the Presbytery, returnng great Acknowledgement to the Disposer of all Things, that his Lot was cast to be one of that Society, and happily Closed his Ingenious Harangue with this his late Vision: Not long ago, when the Sun had deserted our Hemisphere, and all things were at their Rest, but the Active Fancy of Man, I was suddenly surprised with a Strange, but True Dream, that I was by an unheard of Providence, carried into Hell; where arrived, I to satisfy my Curiosity, Gazed about, and there I saw, as my Imagination prompted me to believe, several Popes, Emperors, Potentates, Kings, Queens, Cardinals, Jesuits, Independents, Brownists, Anabaptists, Quakers, Millenarians, with a vast number of Monks and Friars; nay, some of all Professions whatsoever, whether Civil or Ecclesiastical: But upon the strictest Survey I could make, not one Presbyter appeared among them all: So that with Erected Hands I Darted up a Pious Ejaculation to Heaven, that it was my Chance, by the Assistance of Providence, to be of that Religious Order, of whom many were Deceased, but none for their Impieties sent to Hell; and so he concluded his Harangue with a fresh Panegyric of the Presbyterian party.  
The Sunday subsequent, it was the fortune likewise of an Independent to Teach in the same Congregation, where he made a large Repetition of the major part of the Presbyterians Work, the precedent Day, and did bemoan himself that he was not so Happy to be of that Fraternity; but in fine, he acquainted the Assembly as followeth; I, said he, also had a Vision, wherein I imagined myself in Hell, and espied several persons of all Orders, especially of the Independents, which made me with Astonishment Exclaim, O what a Blessed Order is this! O that I had been a Presbyter! O that I had never understood Independency! But recollecting myself, as my fancy prompted me, I Beckoned to a Diminutive Fiend in that Infernal Region, whispered to him, and asked him, Whether there were no Presbyterians in those Territories? Who Replied very Affably and Civilly, That there were none, but that they were Locked up in a large Contignation below the place where I was, and there they were in Multitudes, and Thronged so fast to those Subterraneous Regions, that there was scarce room enuf to contain them: but they were too Seditious to be in the Common Apartment of the Damned, for if they were, they would set Satan's whole Kingdom on Flame, and put all his Inhabitants and Vassals into an Universal and Domistic Rebellion. Nay farther, that he durst not let them have a Mariana or Calvin, for fear they should Preach Sedition, and be overheard, and so consequently set his whole Dominions into a Combustion.  
To close all with the words of a Learned Pen, There was never such a Monster as the Quondam Ruling, and Constituted Presbytery: The Father of it Rebellion, the Mother Insurrection, the Midwife Sacrilege, the Nurse Covetousness, the Milk Schism, the Coats Armour, the Rattle Drums, a Bloody Sword the Coral, and Money the Babies it delights to play withal: It groes up to be a Stripling, and goes to School to a Council of War, its Lesson is on the Trumpet, it's Fescu a Pistol, it's going out of School is in Rank and File, its Play-days the Days of Battle, and black Monday the day of Judgement. It comes of Age, and is Married with a Solemn League and Covenant, it begets Children like itself, whose Blessing upon them is the power of the Sword, and whose Imposition of hands are broken Pates. This Monster pulls down the truly Ancient, Apostolic Power, which the Bishops exercised, and delivers up their King to the Hangman. And thus farewell, thou Notorious Impostor, known by the Common Name of Jack Presbyter.  
Decipies alios Verbis, vultuque benigno,  
Nam mihi, jam notus, Dissimulator eris.  
FINIS.   

IMPRIMATUR. 
 High Jinks; cum Privilegio  
Ked. Baxt. & Consensu Alior