A Purge for Pluralities, showing the unlawfulness of men to have two Livings.  
OR The downfall of Double benefice.  
Being in the Clymactericall and fatal year of the proud Prelates.  
But the year of jubilee to all poor hunger-pinch'd Schollers.  
 
LONDON, Printed for F. cowls, T. Bates, and T. Banks. 1642.   

A Purge for Pluralities: showing The unlawfulness of men to have two Livings. OR The downfall of Double benefice.  Dr. lazy. 
AH Brother Doctor simony, well met, where have you been posting hereawayes? I believe there is some good bnfice fallen in these Coasts, which you scent after; Ravens and Vultur●s are not quicker of wing, or smell after a dead horse, than you be after a fat Living of three or four hundred pounds per annum: I guess shrewdly, I see by your horses sides that you have rid hard for it.  Dr. simony. 
Shall I deal plainly with you, I am glad to see you in health, I have not spared horse-flesh, I confess; good Parsonages are worth riding for, I have very faire hopes that I shall be your neighbour, I must come by it by buying it; Patrons or Patronesses are hard now adays, but it is but giving two or three hundred pounds for his or her youngest daughter portions, and then I am cock-sure, all is our own: tush, that is nothing amongst us( you know) we can dispense with our oaths, it is got up in two yeares again. I intend to show him Melchizedechs father and grand-father too( you know the story) before I will lose such a brave bnfice. Pish, he that makes conscience of an oath in this kind, will die as poor as Philosopher, or a preaching Curate.  Dr. lazy. 
In troth, good brother Doctor, you go tho right way to the wood, he that thinks to get a Living freely without cost, may hope to catch fish without a bait: when I got this Parsonage, the Patron  told me of divers good Divines and constant Preachers, as Mr. honesty, Mr. simplicity, Mr. Diligence, Mr. zeal, Mr. piety, Mr. purity, and many others, who had solicited him by letters of commendation to get the Living; but alas, said he, these be but Papers, good men they be, but they are as poor as job: upon which words I presently felt how his pulses beat, & as a cunning Ingineere undermined him quickly, and  told him that he had such 〈◇〉 Nag in his stable, that I liked wondrous well for my wifes use to ride upon, and shee was so desirous to have the horse, that I would give him two hundred pounds in good gold for him, rather than she should miss of her desire; he presently yielded to the motion, and  told me moreover, he had an excellent bay Gelding in his stable, that would carry double, which would be very convenient for my use. I replied, that I would give him an hundred pounds for him also. So we bargained, and in the conclusion he said; Good Mr. Dr. lazy, I know you to be a man, who are not too hot nor too often in the pulpit, I have now a living of three hundred pounds a year void, I will freely bestow the Presentation upon yourself: it was done presently, and I came riding home well mounted and doubly beneficed, when alas poor men they went away as poor as they came: was not this a pretty handsome way to blind the eyes of men from judging it simony? This is but an ordinary cheat.  Dr. Sym. 
Alas! Brother Doctor, I will tell you a story of mine, that was as well contrived as this, we must not be nice, nor too scrupulous, if wee mean to go double charged: There fell a good Living into the hands of a covetous Patron, great svit was made for it by divers, but they all came without money, and so the Patron gave them go●d words to keep up their hopes a while: I observing that they all came short of their expectations, began to consult with myself what might be the easiest and su●est way to speed. At last, it being near shores day, I resolved to present thi● Patron a shores gift, I went and bought a couple of double gilded fl●ggons, and I filled one with stout Hyppocras, and the other with gold and silver; I drew a petition, to desire him to bestow such a Parsonage upon me freely: well, he t●sted the wine, vowed he never drunk better. No, Sir, said I, I am glad of it hearty; but yet sir, I dare be bold to say it, that if it please your go●d Worship to withdraw yourself in●o your Closet, I have better liquour by far in this other flagon. I am content; said he; and so we two went privately, I presented him the flagon well lined, he powred out yellow and white metal. I mary, said he, this is the only r●ch ple●sant liquour of all others. I  told him it was the first fruits of his Parsonage. Is it possible, said he? Yes Sir said I. He replied. I am well pleased with the first fruits, and take you the Living for yourself. Was this any simony think you, Brother Doctor lazy? This is an undeniable way to speed.  Dr lazy. 
Well, you know the right way I perceive to pref●rments; but brother, I pray you what news is there sti ring? I hear that which grieves my heart to think on, it is commonly spoken that we must now turn to be Preachers tw ce a day, and yet have but one living neither; I had one given m●● by a Popish Patron, conditionally that I should preach but once in a whole year at it: I liked that motion, and so hold it: and for this other, the Bishop of the diocese cares not for preaching too often, and so I give my Parishi●ners one Sermon in an half year and no more, which I value at an hundred and fifty pounds every Sermon. And I usually do spend my time at London, either in Westminster-Hall, or at Doctors Commons, or else in some handsome G ntlewomans company or other, at Gl ck, Doublets, or some such like game: for though I profess the gospel, yet I fellow the Law: but now if this be true, we shal not have any spare time being tied to go to our ploughs twice every Sunday, nor shall we find money if one of our benefice be taken from us: I protest to you, I did usually spend all the means of on● of my benefice in good wine and Lawyers fees; but if the wind blow at this door, I may put up my pipes, for I cannot endure to preach so often, unless it be one & the self same Sermon; it will break my heart: it were best for us to have Bishops still, for they would give licences and dispensations, and an Homily once a month would serve the turn then, wee must be tied to our pulpits, as horses to the mill. What say you brother to this?  Dr. Sym. 
Ile promise you that hath cooled my courage, if it come to that pass I am undone, to lose our Lordly Bishops one day, our livings on another day, and ourselves on a third: It is said that the Tower hath wrought strange effects on them, when they were at liberty they were silent, and would not preach, now they are very busy at work, seeing the r case goes so ill on at Law, they will now follow the gospel But brother lazy, they are Schollers, and well studied and grounded, and therefore have ability to preach: but you and I, and hundreds more beside, will be to seek, for I think you came in more by your wealth than by your wit, as I did: this preaching twice a day is worse for us, than for a Coward to lie perdu in the face of his enemies.  Dr. lazy. 
Nay, brother simony, it is not only that wee must preach so often doth gull me, but that we must be fleeced of our means; oh how proud and brisk will all our Hireling Curates and Lecturers be, how Pedantiques and ushers, and poor Students in the universities w ll even out-face us; we have made them travel hard from one Pari●● to another for a good word from us, a dinner, and twelve pe●ce hire, for preaching and reading Prayers for us on a Sunday; but now they will bee come to bee our Equals, and will get the love of the people from us, because they are for the most part better Preachers than we be. I had my Cura●e in former times as fearful to offend mine injunctions, as a poor Galley-slave his Torm●ntour, and yet I allowed him but five pounds a year, and leave to teach a little school in the Bell-free loft, worth four pounds more, while I sate at ease, and had four hundred pounds a year for doing nothing.  Dr. Sym. 
Alas, brother, it is as I understand too true, that we must part with one of our Livings, had I known or dreamed but so much, I would have had my money in my purse still, which I lately gave for my last Parsonage, and I protest I scarce have recovered that which I disbursed for my other bnfice; nay, I am a greater Loser than you by far, for I must part with two good Prebendships, worth five hundred pounds a year; ah, those were the bravest flowers in my Garden, for I took that money for preaching but once in a year, and I did not supply that course myself( for in troth, brother lazy, to speak in conscience, these Prebendaries spoil good Preachers) but writ a letter to some friend to supply it for me, or at most it was but paying a Noble, or ten shillings at uttermost, and a pair of white gloves, to some poor Minister near the Cathedrall, and it was done as completely, nay far better than if I had been there myself; for I never cared for this exercise called preaching, it is tedious to flesh and blood, I have neither good gift, good utterance, nor good conscience to sweat in that place: it grieved me as much to come into a pulpit, as it did the Bishops to go to the Tower: I promise you, if I hear no better news, I will pass off all mine for money speedily, and so live upon that.  Dr. lazy. 
In troth you say well, I will not be much behind you; but this is as bad to me as the Dog-dayes be to a sick man: Come however, I will walk with you to the next tavern, & shut up this sad news with a cup of good Canary to comfort our hearts, we have had a fine harvest for many yeares together, It is fit that they who have taken the pains, should at last enjoy the means.  
I cannot blame our Pluralists, though one living cannot content them, since I heard a double beneficed arrant Dunce preach, he taking that for his Text out of Ecclesiastes, Two are better than one; which he interpnted to be of a double bnfice: he being afterward asked the reason, his answer was, that if one of his Parishes were infected with the pox or plague, his wife and he might betake themselves to another, when indeed the Parish could not have a worse plague than himself, for he preached but once a quarter, & hardly that, & commonly he would red Morning Prayer with his children in his arms, and a great mastiff whelp in his round hose, which a Gentleman observing, putting a pin into the end of his horse wand, pricked the Puppie behind him, which grinning and barking, the person was fain to give over reading the first lesson to call his Clerk to pull him out by the heels.  
And these fellowes are commonly advanced by dunstical and greedy Patrons, who under-hand share with them in the greater part of the Living, at least reserve their own tithes, or agree for as much bread and drink-corne as will find their houses all the year; but indeed they keep miserable houses, and sell it: one day I drank of their beer, which was little better than that the Low-Countrey-Frogs drink, and somewhat too good to drive a wasermill.  
It is true in Popish and corrupt times, Cardinals, Bishops, Deans, and others were so laden with ecclesiastical Livings, that at last their backs broken: As for example, cardinal Woolsey, who had four or five bishoprics and abbeys at once, who list to see what they were, let them but look into the hall of White-Hall which he builded, beneath the rafters, where with his Cardinals Hat they are to be seen.  
A Pluralist in the country commonly is so proud, that he overlooks a single beneficed man: and at Visitations and Weddings will take the place at the Table above him: Nay, he cannot abide the name of single; he will drink no single beer, nor by his good will ride single, but will have his wife behind him: nay, he scorns to be singular in his preaching, but will yield to university men, who are unbeneficed, and know not when they shall get a bnfice, whether ever or never. He can decline Ambo and dvo, but the proper names of countries, cities and men, where the Grammar says, Plurima ne fuerint, he thinks them not worthy the naming, neither shall you ever see him walk the street in single-sol'd shoes or boots; but in winter time three or four soles of the best Spanish leather.  
In a word, Pluralities are the plague of the whole land, the misery of our universities, the discouragement of Students, the destruction of souls, when they place in them simplo Sir John the Priest, that can do no more than red English, and many times hardly that, as one in my hearing red for Derbe and Lystra( whither S. Paul traveled) Derbie and Leicester: another, for Saddle for me an Ass( said more truly than he was ware of) Saddle me for an ass.  
It is no more fitting for a Clergy-man to have two, three, four, nay five Livings, besides a Prebend●ry or two, which is sine cura arimae, than for him to have two wives; for God gave man at first but one wife, and one living or char●e but now they will have two livings to keep one wife, one in the city, and another in the country; one for pleasure, the other for profi●. One living well followed, and discharged by Gods command, as ye ought to do, i● enough; and mark, for if any of these men had two or three Churches or Charges, and but one Living, they would think it a great burden, and soon grow weary of the rest: I beseech you that are in place of authority but try them, and they will soon leave their Livings of their own accord; for what they do they should do only for Gods service and glory, and not for their own profit and lucre. And as for the Prebendaries, they serve only to make them fat, and proud, and lecherous.  
They say there are now but onely two Pluralities in all England, but I hope the Honourable House of Parliament will find many, and timely provide for able Schollers who want means, and walk the streets like Pharaohs lean Kine, when such fat bulls of Basan do waddle as fat as they can tumble.  
How many of late yeares have letters preferred to their Degree, mo●e than their logic or latin, Haud ignota canon, and that forsooth must be a privilege for a plurality.  
There was a double beneficed person in Devon-shire, who when he was invited to a Gentlemans house, and desired to say grace at a dinner,  told them, his memory was bad, and he could not then, then he was entreated to say the Lords Prayer, that he could not neither; so a little daughter of the Gentlemans, of eight yeares of age, was fain to supply the Parsons room.   
FINIS.