The Puritanical JUSTICE: OR, THE Beggars turned Thieves. By way of FARCE. As it was lately Acted in and about the City of LONDON. First Edition. LONDON, Printed and are to be sold by John Wells, Bookbinder, in St. Paul's Alley. 1698. THE PROLOGUE. spoken by SNEAK. THe Law is ours, and every Soul shall stand amazed, and trembling at severe Command; Women have ruled alone, with Power and Sway, And oft taught proudest Man for to Obey; We'll try the Copes and Vestments to pull down, Of each proud Prelate that infects the Town; Wer'e more precise, Religion's more sincere, We meet in Halls, and Parlours every where: No Beggars crys shall be heard in the Streets, The Godly man our Table too oft greets; Informers too shall take up all the Whores, To show how chast is virtue in our Doors. Our Acts and Deeds in every Mouth shall ring, Whilst tooting Organs Anthems vainly Sing, The Church and Poor shall ever feel our Sting. Persons concerned in this Farce. terror. A severe wiggish Justice of Peace, by whose rigid Authority the Beggars are forced to turn Thieves for a subsistence. Ignorance his clerk. A Boobily Blockhead, that is forced to take Instructions from his Mistress to writ a Mittimus. Scourge. The Beadle.   Sneak. Wife to terror. A gripping, Covetous, Puritanical, Conceited, Proud Woman, who pretends to govern the Justice both by her Instructions and Example. Cant her Woman. A Saint of the same Tribe, as impertinent as her Mistress. Informer Jenk. Picking up Citizens Wives instead of Whores, and forced before a Justice of Peace.   The Puritannical JUSTICE: OR, THE BEGGARS turned THIEVES. ACT the First. SCENE The Justice's House. Enter terror, Sneak and Cant. terror. WEll, Wife, you see I am preferred for my Merit to be a Scourge to the Lazy, a Bridle to the Unruly, a Halter and Brand to Thieves, and a Flogging Director to Whores, Whoremongers, and Adulterers. Sneak. But good Mr. Authority, pray take the prudent Council of your Wife in these weighty Affairs, for you know you had never arose to this alwise Command, without my assisting Direction. Ter. Thou indulging Promoter both of my Estate and Power, we'll act Hand in Hand in the Administration of Justice; for I am sufficiently sensible of my own insufficiency, without thy controlling Judicature. Sneak. In order to which, we will encourage Informers, punish all Night-walkers, suppress the Beggars, and force the Church Dissenters to our Conventicles. terror. I'll punctually follow thy Direction, and I'l take my Bage of Authority to demolish the Idolitrous Sanctuaries of the Whore of Babylon, and force them by virtue of my Power to imitate our unprecedented example. Sneak. Well, Cant, What think you of this Promotion? I think myself now one of the chief of Citizens, and you that wait one me above the middle sort. Cant. Indeed, forsooth, I look upon self so, for yesterday I took place of my Neighbour Gripes Wife, tho' her Husband expects to be Sheriff the next Election. terror. Ay, ay, hold up thy Head, Cant; the whole Family shall rise, by hanging upon the Tail of my Honour.— but prithee Cant call in Ignorance— and lets examine whither he is capable to make a Mittimus upon occasion, for I'm altogether ignorant myself. Sneak. Call him Cant, and I'll give him Instructions, for I have the Justice's Clerk, in my Closet, I placed it between Culpepper's Midwife and Aristotle's Problems, for the better recollection of my Memory. Cant. I'll call in the Type of your Authority in your absence, in an instant. Exit. terror. Prithee, Wife, what think you of punishing Offenders on the Lord's day; the People are as loose and extravigant in this Age as they were before that religious Deffender of our Liberties Oliver cromwell restrained them on the Sabbath. Sneak. 'Tis an offence to God and Religion— And I protest I think the Parliament was mighty weak, to allow of Milk and Mackrel, to so manifest a profanation of our reformed Devotion. terror. In order to which, I'l Issue out my Commands, That no Victualler draw Drink, no Herb-woman sell her salads, no Cooks dress Meet, no Bakers bake pies, no People carry Bundles upon forfeiture of every such Commodity, with a severe Punishment additional for the heinous, crying, sinful Presumption. Sneak. Ay, ay, we must carry a severe Hand over the Mobility, and that will create a Reverence in us in our Religion and Proceedings. terror. Right, Wife!— Enter Cant and Ignorance. But here comes Ignorance my Representative; we must examine the depth of his Wisdom, about these important Affairs. Sneak. Cant, go and fetch the Justice of Peace's Clerk, I put it between the two learned Books, you and I use to consult. Cant. O dear Madam, I believe you and I are as knowing in Law and physic as all the Physitians and Justices of Peace's Wifes about Town: And for Religion, you know we use to instruct the wisest: But I'l do my errand immediately. Exit. terror. Come Ignorance, I prefer thee to my right Hand of Justice, thou must right the commanding terror, to force both the Lazy and the Wanton to Correction. Ignorance. Ay, ay, we'll spare no Beggars, for our Cant gave away the reversion of the Leg of Beef, because it was windy, and she could not eat it, and so I went without my Supper last Night. Sneak. I protest if ever I know she gives away so much as the Rind of Bacon any more, I declare I'll discard her my Service,— Prithe Ignorance call the Beadle, and well give him positive Orders to take all the Beggars to Correction. They're grown so numerous, if we don't suppress 'em they may ruin substantial Families. Ignorance. Ay, Madam, I'l obey your Orders; and at my return, you shall lend me your Book, and I'll Con it over myself. terror. Make what hast you can; for I'm resolved to show all the Beggars in Town the terrible Prosecution of my all-powerful Justice. Ignorance. I'l show my Obedience in my Diligence. Exit Ignorance. terror. Hold! Hold! Ignorance, Ignorance, one Word more. re-enter Ignorance. Prithee acquant the Informers I told you of, and so one trouble will serve both. Ignorance. Your Commands shall be obeyed Obsequiously. Exit. Enter Cant, with Two Books. Cant. Indeed and indeed, Madam! I found the prettiest Book here between the Believers Golden Chain, and Baxters Family Devotion, as ever I saw in my Life; pray acquaint me with the Name. Sneak. Why, thou Simpleton, it's a Book of Aretine's Postures, a secret only amongst the Women— Get you back, and put it safe in the Place again, upon Forfeiture of my Displeasure. Cant. I'll place it sase as before, after I have perused it with a pious Intention. Exit. Enter Ignorance, with three Informers, and the Beadle. Ignorance. As luck would have it, I lighted of the Beadle just by, and the Informers were coming to wait upon your Worship. terror. 'Tis very well, for they may be very instrumental in the Execution of my Commands, in suppressing the Beastly, Lewd, and Lazy of this Town. 1 Informer Jenk. Ay, ay, Right Worshipful, we'll decoy the Women to Drink with us, then we'll bring 'em before you to commit 'em to Correction, by virtue of your Authority. Sneak. Their Impudence I have heard is a Scandal to all sober Women; therefore let their Punishment be without either Mercy or Limitation. 2 Informer. They are Notorious Jilts both to Religion and Honesty, and they Glory in nothing but their polluted Whoredoms. terror. I'll be so exemplary in my Justice, that the Town shall be as free from Whores as I am voided of Perjury. 3 Informer. We'll be your Creatures to entrap 'em, and leave the Requital of our Trouble to your Religious Bounty. Sneak. You shall prefer 'em, Husband, for their sincerity in the Cause. Ignorance. And me too, I hope, for my Zeal to the Holy Brethren. terror. I have no other way to Establish my own Repute, but by making myself feared by the Severity of my Justice, and by preferring the Tools which execute my Commands. 1 Informer Jenk. We'll venture Lives and Reputations to serve so Zealous a Commonwealths-man. 2 Informer. The good Old Cause never prospered, till managed and carried on with Vigorous Persecution. 3 Informer. We'll be as politic to suppress 'vice, as they are diligent to promote it. terror. Let your last Instructions be, That you spare none; that we may give Example to the Church, of the difference of our Severity and their Liberty. Informers. We'll all Religiously and Industriously obey your Orders. Exeunt. Sneak. I fear, Love, the multiplicity of our Affairs has hindered the fervency of our Devotion: let's hast to Lecture lest we are censured amongst the Brethren. terror. I'll attend to dispatch the Lord's Occasions, after we have so prosperously preferred our own. Only, Wife, pray first give charge to the Beadle. Sneak. Pray, Mr. Beadle, execute your Office so strictly under our Authority, that no Beggar be seen in our Precincts, upon forfeiture both of Disgrace and Place. Beadle. I'll be so diligent, that for all your Number of Informers, I'll engage there shall be Five hundred Whores for one Beggar through my walks in the City. terror. We design to extirpate both; therefore post to their Correction, and do you Ignorance wait on us to Devotion. Exeunt. ACT II. SCENE Knock-Verges. An uninhabited House for some time at the upper end of Rose-mary-lane, but now the Receptacle and rendezvouz of Poor Thieves and Beggars. Enter several Poor Thieves with their Booties, lately Beggars. 1 Thief. 'TIs beter to be hanged than starved; these will afford us some recruits for the Belly. 2 Thief. Right, Brother; tho we get good Sustenance without danger before this whipping Monster frighted us from our Livelihoods. 3 Thief. Did you hear the Story of the Merchant that sent his Basket of Scraps to the Justice in a Joke, because there was none of our Fraternity found to dispose of them too. 4 Thief. Yes; and the Trick he put upon himself too, in sending his own Venison-Pasty to the Prisoners, thinking it had been his Neighbours. 1 Thief. I believe the Gray-Mare is the better Horse there; for she's a Sneaking, Puritanical, Pinch-fart I'm sure. 2 Thief. Ay, ay, Justice is rare Justice indeed, that's judged, condemned and hanged, by the brittle Hem of a foolish Womans Smock only. 3 Thief. Why you foolish Booby, if one Hair be stronger than a Cable, a great many may easily draw Justice to tyranny, and Liberty to Usurpation. 4 Thief. 'Tis certain that the Trinkets that the Fools in Caps carried before, for us behind to laughed at, was drawn from Church to Conventicle, with three or four of these Commanders of Justice twisted together. Enter several Beggars to them, as from the House of Correction. 1 Beggar. Pox take Justice, if this is it, we are not only half starved, but almost whipped to Death. 1 Thief. Faith, Brother, 'twas our case last Week; but we have now changed our Calling, and will treat with a good Supper and strong Booze, if you'll enter into our Society. 2 Beggar. A fair Proposal; 'tis better to embrace a short Life and a merry, than suffer the Miseries of this Barbarous Justice. 2 Thief. Come, Brothers, if your all agreed, we'll enjoy ourselves, and be merry, curse Arbitrary Power, and set up for ourselves. 3 Beggar. Agreed! and may Damnation seize the first that Wheedles. 3 Thief. Ned, whistle for Refreshment Ned whistels, and Drink and Victuals is brought from the adjoining Alehouse. 1 Thief. Come, Brother! here's destruction to the Hangman and Justice. 1 Beggar. If we are noos'd, let the Sin fall upon his Puritanical Congregation. 2 Beggar. Damn him, and all his Executioners; let's Drink and divert those dismal Thoughts with a Song. Omnes. Agreed: but first let the Pot go round. They Sing. FRom Beggars alarmed, Now Thieves we'll be armed, And act all the Mischief We can, Sir; If we're hanged from a Cart, We'll each let a Fart, For the Justice that caused this Sad end, Sir. And to his sweet Lady That's Priest-ridden, Hei-day, Yet rides the dull Beast at her Pleasure, Our Members bequeath, In her Scabbard to sheathe, To incite her Devotion at leisure. 1 Thief. Well, for all this, Wolf preaches Religion and holy living to the Sheep; I have heard he has been recorded for Purjury. 1 Beggar. I heard a Gentleman declare once, that Men of the most corrupt and vicious Lives, once placed in Power, are tyrannical by Nature. 2 Beggar. A plain Case, by this Beggar-hunter; for he forces us to turn Thieves, contrary to our Destiny, beyond the malice of Fortune. 2 Beggar. He makes Converts, with a Pox to him; for he forces us to confess to his Ghostly Father Tyburn. 3 Thief. 'Tis hoped the penurious Caitiff will starve himself to Death, and then we may return to our old Professions; for his Wife does g●utch each bit he Eats. 3 Beggar. He was Born under scorpion, as I heard an Astrologer affirm, and his Lady was of the Race of proserpina; both sent here as Plagues to Mankind, to sand poor Souls to Hell to make atonement for their own villainies. 4 Thief. Come, this is melancholy Entertainment: It's time enough to think of Hanging at St. Giles's— We'll have another Song to divert the Thoughts of his Cruelty, and our own Misfortunes. The Song. cheer up, cheer up, And let the Beadles scour The Streets with his Rods, and his Staff Night and Day: We'll play least in Sight, And be out of Power, We steal that by Night, That we Revel with next Day. Then Confusion shall be drunk To the Justice and his Punk, To the Constables and Beadles, And Informers with their Wheedles, To all bridewell Dogs and gaolers, And Hell-born Beggar Railers. Thus, thus, we'll merry be, Till either they, or we, Swing to Heaven in a String, With Hei ding, ding, Thank the Justice. Enter several other Beggars, some Lame, some Blind, some leprous, and others afflicted with the King's-Evil, and all from bridewell. 1 Thief. I find ours will become a very numerous Society, but most of those are uncapable of Business. 1 Cripple. I understand the sneaking Budge incomparably, therefore I beg my admission. 2 Thief. This Fellow may be useful upon several Occasions; therefore we will elect him to strengthen the Society. 3 Thief. I fear this Blind-man, is altogether unqualified. Blind Beggar. I can file a Cloy in a crowd, and come off unsuspected. 4 Thief. Upon my Word he's an Artist; I have observed him lately dext'rous in that Vocation: But what are these leprous and Ulcerous Fellows sit for? We must have none useless by reason of our Wifes and Children. leprous and Ulcerous. We can steal Mops, Brooms, clothes off of Lines; for we must play at small Games rather than stand out; and by reason of our Sickness, we are not suspected. 1 Thief. Very well, you shall be admitted; and we'll Teach our Wives and Children the profitable Art of our Adventures. Enter several Constables, Beadles, Watchmen, and other Followers, with one of the Thieves turned Informer. Infor. Thief. This is the Place of rendezvouz, Mr. Constables, are these the Criminals. 1 Constable. Well, well, take 'em before Justice terror, he'll inflict Punishment as they deserve. 1 Thief. Good, Mr. Constables, hang us up before we go any farther, for before him we can expect no Mercy. 2 Constable. Well, Informer, you'll swear both to the Men, and their Crimes, will you not? Infor. Thief. Ay mary will I; and hear's another of the Fraternity will squeak as well as myself. 1 Constable. Come, come, bring 'em away to Justice, in order to Commit 'em, as their Thefts deserve. Several of the last admitted Thieves. Good, Mr. Constables, spare us; good, Mr. Constables, speak for us to the Justice. 1 Thief. Damn you, for cowardly Sons of Whores, I expect favour from neither Constables nor Justice. 2 Thief. I expect nothing but the Extremity of the Law, and that I'll thank the Justice for. Constable. Blast their Lungs, they arraign the Justice; bring 'em away, bring 'em away for Correction. Exeunt Omnes ACT III. SCENE Bridwell. Where is discovered several of the Poor Beggars Thieves at hard Labour, with some of the Bridwel-men standing by to Whip them to Work. 1 Beg. Thief. 'TIs a cruel Age we live in, that we can neither be permitted to Beg nor Steal, but must be thus torn with Whips, and forced to work beyond our Strength. 2 Beg. Thief. Our Case is not quiter so hard, as our Brothers who are committed to Newgate, the knubbing Post I fear will be their Fortune. Bridwel-man. Come, lazy Curs you, mind your Work, this is not time for Censuring. 3 Beg. Thief. Faith and Troth, I think we had as good be hanged with our Brethren, as undergo the cruelty of these Merciless Lictors. 2 Bridwel-man. You black Guard Villains, I'll maul you for your Reflections; therefore mind your Work, or we'll whip you to pieces. 4 Beg. Thief. My running Sores make me so weak, I cannot endure the Labour. 1 Bridewel-men. Then you shall go to the whipping Post, and try how you'll behave yourself there. 1 Beg. Thief. 'Tis barbarous to expect as much work from us that are Sick, and Weak, and Lame, as from others who are Strong and Lusty. 2 Beg. Thief. I am so sore with Whipping, so disabled in my Limbs, and so crazy in my Body, that I fear I shall die under this Labour and Correction. 2 Bridewel-man. Hang Cur, hang, these are Quibbles and Evasions; we'll ferk you for your whining Cant, I warrant you. 3 Beg. Thief. If this be Justice, then there's no oppresion in Cruelty and Tyranny, and Sacrifice is preferred to Clemency and Mercy. 4 Beg. Thief. We had better be Slaves in Turkey than under this Puritanical Barbarity; or be our own Executioners, rather than undergo such unspeakable Cruelty. 1 Bridewel-man. Ye murmuring pernicious Dogs, we'll make you both pray for his Mercy, and applaud his Justice, before we have done with you. 1 Beg. Thief. We'll be torn Limb from Limb, sooner than crave Mercy at the Hands of our Tormentor. 2 Beg. Thief. Prayers are turned to Curses against those that have neither Charity nor Compassion. 2 Bridewel-man. The Justice is only too merciful; ye deserve hanging, every one of ye, ye Sons of Rapine. 3 Beg. Thief. We hope to see our Betters go before us; tyrannical Oppressors, and their Executioners, have been exalted for their Offences, as I am told. 4 Beg. Thief. Had he any Sense, he'd have some moderation in But Punishments: his his are so cruelly Exemplary, they are unprecedented. 1 and 2 Bridewel-men. Since ye spurn at Authority, we'll take ye to more severe Correction. Exeunt Bridewel-men and Thief-beggars. The SCENE Continues Enter Informer, with several Whores, and the Bridewel-men. 1 Informer. Justice terror, and his Lady, has ordered these Dox's of Pleasure to hard Labour and Correction. 1 Bridewel-men. They shall have the Severity of their Worships Orders; for we rather exceed at all times than moderate the Punishment of Justice. 2 Informer. His Worship thinks you fit Instruments to execute the Rigour of his Authourity. 1 Whore. And thinks such Cock-bawd Pimps as you, sit Tools to execute his ridiculous Folly. 1 Infor. prithee, Miss, ben't Impertinent; he designs as great a Reformation as Luther made upon Rome, or Calvin upon Luther, upon all the Whors, Bawds, Thieves, and Beggars, in and about this famous City of London. 2 Whore. It's as impossible to do't as to turn the Tide of the Thames: prithee carry him some of my Water, or else get him some Cows-piss, for he must needs be crazed in the Brain; for they say, that old Womans Remedy so much in Vogue, or mine in request by Informers, cures all Distempers. 3 Whore. Why, thou foolish Girl thou, he's too much infected with the Urine of his Wise, to drink any of thine, we'll bestow ours upon these worthy Informers. 3 Infor. Since one Kindness deserves another, you shall be Flog'd till you Piss, and the heat raised thereby, will oblige your thirst to drink your own Water to quench it. 1 Whore. Such a cursed Race of Sycophants, as you are, were never born of a Woman; but certainly were produced from some Incubus, and the Devil himself, in height of his Luxurious wantonness. 2 Whore. The Cursed Seed of Cham were Angels, in respect to these Monsters; and the Serpent that tempted Eve, was a type of this Hell-born Race to futurity. 1 Informer. You may see the frailty of your Lascivious Tempers, and so we leave you to Correction. Exeunt Informers. 1, 2, 3 Whores. May all the Curses our Sex is capable to invent befall these Villains, and their Instructors. Enter other Informers, with two Citizens Wives, of unspotted Reputation. 1 Citizens Wife. Why, you ravishing Villains, can't sober Women go about their lawful Occasions, but they must be forced before a Blockhead of a Justice, and committed to bridewell, for the Lewd and the Infamous. 1 Informer. The greatest Whores pretend to most honesty; Did not we pick you up fairly in the Streets? 2 Citizens Wife. No, Blood-hounds, you were in pursuit of others; and missing your Game, forced us here in hopes to gain your Villainous Reward. 2 Tho' you're none of the Impudent common Sort, we can prove you Night-walkers, and were spreading your Nets to catch Woodcocks for Chamber-practice. 1 Citizens Wife. Our Husbands are Men both of Reputation and Substance; and they shall make you a scandalous Example, for this injury and affront. 1 Informer. The Fox, when cursed, enjoys the Satisfaction of his Booty, tho' after Correction, we shall find you in a more doleful, supplicating Tone, to be Intercessors for your Deliverance. 2 Cit. Wife. We'll implore Heaven to revenge the Indignity, and petition Justice from above,( since we meet with none below) that our Innocence may be cleared. 2 Informer. The mortification of Whipping will bring you to Repentance, and so we leave you. Exunt Informers. 1 Citizens Wife. The City's finely governed, by such Hellish Reformers; for instead of reclaiming the vicious, they oppress and injure the virtuous, to the utter defamation of Authority, by corrupting the intention of well-meaning Laws. 2 Citizens Wife. When Knaves and Villains, by indirect means, acquire graet Heaps of Wealth, they are soon mounted in Authority, the depravity of whose Natures, and the exorbitancy of their corrupt and imperious Desires, spurs them on to act Violence and rapine; till they verify and make true that observation of the Law, which I heard, came from a great Man, That Law is like a Cobweb, where the great Flys break through, whilst the little ones are catched.— But I question not but our Husbands will revenge our Sufferings. Enter the Bridewel-men. 1 Bridewel-man. You must retire to Correction, according to order with some of your Sister Sinners. 1 Citizens Wife. We must submit to this insufferable Violence, whilst our Innocence will bear testimony of the inhumanity of this Injustice. 2 Citizens Wife. That Women of unspotted Reputations should be ravished to punishment, without the least opportunity of defence or redress. 2 Bridewel-man. No more Preambles— to Correction, with your Fellows. SCENE Changes to terrors House. Enter terror, Sneak, Cant, and Ignorance. terror. Well, Ignorance, have you made any Mittimus's since I went out? Cant tells me the Informers have been here with some Offenders. Ignorance. Yes, Sir, since you placed me on your right hand of Justice, I have sent several Whores to bridewell, and set my own Name, for yours, to their Mittimus. Sneak. 'Tis the same thing, Husban'd, I was witness to the Proceedings, and examined the matter myself; and the Case was plain both upon Enquiry and Information. So that you see, Husband, things are as well managed in your Absence as Presence terror. Ay, ay, Wife, I was always extremely satisfied in the sincerity of your Wisdom, and Ignorance is of equal knowledge with myself. Cant Indeed your Justice has no equal, to punish such impudent Harlots; for tho' I would shake off my Modesty, did not Damnation depend thereon, I'm sure I could not appear so brazen as these wicked, very wicked Creatures. Sneak. Well, Husband, for fear Nature should be frail in Cant, let her couple with Ignorance, and then she'll have no occasion to go astray. terror. With all my Heart! What say you both, are you agreed, Ignorance. I should be very willing to espouse the Election ●f my honoured Benefactors. Cant. I'll not turn Tall upon so good a Motion: But when shall we be Married. Sneak. Next Sunday Morning at the Conventicle: Mr. Formal Trifle is as good a Couple-maker, as the D— k's Place Hackney. terror. And we'll have an Ox-cheek baked extraordinary for the Wedding Dinner, at our Cost and Charges. Ignorance. When I was a School-boy I made some Verses about Matrimony, which my Master Corrected; I'll repeat 'em upon this Occasion. If a Man wants a Clog To lye like a Log When he's sleepy, And dull without Motion: He must mary a Maid, That never knew the Trade, And has neither Wit, Beauty, or Portion. Such, such, will be ruled; Tho' the Husband is fooled, For she'd better be Lazy than Wanton. For the Ass, with dull place, Will finish his Race, Tho' more slow than the Racer they prance on. THE EPILOGUE, spoken by the Beadle. THE Farce is done; and Ladies I invite, To freedoms Hall to Banquet every Night: The Beggars too shall all received be, As welcome Guess, invited all by me, Informers all shall be kic'd out of Doors, For Rogues are only sit Trapans for Whores. The Model of our Measures now are changed, Freedom we'll grant, where e're before it ranged; Yet Lewdness still we vow for to suppress, Tho' rigour force the desperate in distress To villainous Acts, in hopes to find redress: Experience teaches all our Information, Upon whose Shoulders sense brings Reformation, The frequent Safety of this injured Nation. FINIS.