FORTUNE IN HER WITS, OR, The Hour 〈◊〉 all Men.  
W●●●TEN In Spanish 〈◊〉 the most Ingenious Don Francisco 〈◊〉 Quivedo Villegas, Author of 〈◊〉 Visions of Hell.  
Translated into English BY CAPT. JOHN STEVENS.  
LONDON, Printed for R. Sare at Gray's-Inn-Gate, F. Saunders in the New-Exchange, and Tho. Bennet in St. Paul's Churchyard. 1697.   

TO Mark Arundel Esq  
SIR,  
THere are three Faults, which I have observed in many Dedications, and which I have resolved carefully to avoid. The first is, the Choice of an Unworthy Person to Dedicate to. The second, the servile Flattery bestowed on him. And the last, the Tediousness of the Epistle. The two last seem to be necessary Consequences to the first; for when an Author has made choice of a Vile Patron, he is obliged to turn Parasite in his own defence, and to defile much Paper, as well as nauseate the Reader with a multitude of Fawning Sentences, stolen out of ancient Panegyrics spoken to Wicked Heathens, who yet were better Men than those pretended Christians to whom the same Praises are now applied.  
I believe Envy itself cannot find place to censure the Choice I have made, and only Envy is capable of attempting it, which if it should, there is yet this Satisfaction, that we know this Vice, though aiming to devour and tear others, only gnaws and wounds itself. Good Men, who are the true Judges of Merit, know yours to be far above all I can offer; and yet I make no doubt but you will look upon this as worthy your Acceptance; for Generosity regards not the Gift, but the intention of the Giver. David not only accepted of the Water brought him by the Three Worthies from the Cistern in Bethlehem, but also offered it to our Lord, because those Men had brought it with the hazard of their Lives. It was not the Water that was of such value, but the Zeal of those Men to serve him that made it precious. Accept, Sir, in like manner hereof, and regard not the value of the Offering, but the Will of him that offers.  
Where Merit is, there can be no Flattery, and therefore should a better Pen than mine undertake to make your Character public, it might find Subject enough to employ itself without falling into that Vice. It is peculiar to the Unworthy, only they delight in it, and yet it is that which most exposes them to scorn. To commend Wicked Persons, by attributing to them Virtues they are wholly void of, is no other than to extol the Whiteness of an Ethiopian; for the Vices of the former are no less visible than the Blackness of the latter, and to commend them, for what is not in them is rather a reproach than a commendation. But those who like you are truly Virtuous, are also free from the vanity of taking delight in public Praises, because no eminent Virtue can be long concealed, it's own lustre will attract the Eyes of all Men, and therefore it needs no foreign helps to make it publicly known. Virtue carries its Reward and its Honour with it. It is better to say nothing, than to fall short in a worthy Character. Yours, Sir, is above all Flattery, and since it can receive no accession by a just Praise, aught to receive no diminution through the fault of my Pen.  
Sir, I am obliged to draw to a conclusion, lest I should be condemned for incurring the same Fault I blame in others, which is Tediousness. It will be needless to give you an account of my Author; he is well known to the World, and, I doubt not, but to you in particular. As for the Translation, it is exposed to every Man's Censure, yet if you approve of it, I shall not question but it may please; and if it please such as are Competent Judges, it is no matter for the rest. I think, Sir, I have avoided those three Faults I mentioned at first, by choosing you to Dedicate to, by forbearing your just Commendations, lest Malice should call them Flattery, and by reducing all I had to say to this small compass. All that remains is once more to beg a favourable Reception and kind Acceptance for this small Offering, which comes not alone, being well attended by the good Wishes for your Prosperity and Happiness, of,  
SIR, Your most Obedient, and most Humble Servant, JOHN STEVENS.   

THE PREFACE.  
DON Francisco de Quevedo Villegas, the Author of this small Work, has been a Person so famous in this Age, among all those who understand the Spanish Tongue, that it is much to be admired that England should still be so great a stranger to his Talon. Nothing of his has hitherto appeared in English but his Visions, and how general an acceptation they have met with every Man is sensible. Being Encouraged thereby, I take the Liberty to present the Public with another small Piece of the same Author, nothing inferior in itself to any of the Visions, unless it has sustained loss in the Translation, which must be left to the Judgement of Judicious, and Vnbiassed Readers.  
I cannot but lay hold of this Opportunity of undeceiving those who look upon my Author as only a Facetious sort of inconsiderable Satirist. As to his Birth he was a Man of good Quality, and Born to a good Estate being as he is Styled in the Title of his Works, Knight of the Order of Santjago, or St. James, and Lord of the Town called Villa de la Torre de Juan Abad, which is somewhat more than a Lord of a Manor with us in regard that in Spain such Lords have the power of Life and Death wihin their Lordships, and are therefore called Senores' the Horca y Cuchillo, that is, Lords with power of Hanging and Beheading. His Parts are too great a Subject for my intended brevity, only this must not be passed in silence, that he was the Spanish Ovid, for Wit flowed naturally from him without Study, and it was as easy to him to write Verse as Prose Besides he was well Versed in the Latin, Greek, Hebrew, and Italian Languages, and had imbibed the Marrow of the best Authors in them. But his Works will be a lasting Monument of his great Abilities. All of these, that is extant, is contained in Three large Volumes in Quarto, two whereof, contain his Works in Prose, and the third his Poems. These are all the Poems of his that have hitherto been committed to the Press, but a Friend of his, who was familiarly acquainted with him, affirms in the Preface to that Book, that they are not the twentieth part of what he writ. We have also another Proof that more might have been expected, which is, that this Volume is divided into Six Muses, the other Three being designed to compose another. Thus much may suffice as to the Author and his Works in general.  
Now as to this in particular, I will not give any Character of it, lest it should seem designed to prepossess the Reader, and I hope it will appear beautiful enough of itself without the help of any borrowed Ornaments. It was writ above Fifty years ago, as may appear by several Passages in it, as particularly where speaking of the French he mentions Cardinal Richlieu as Prime Minister; Treating of the Dutch, he urges their encroachments in the East and West-Indies; and in his Discourse concerning England, he hints at the Rebellion then about breaking out.  
As I have said nothing in Commendation of the Original, so neither will I say any thing in Vindication of the Translation. If good, it needs none, and if otherwise, it deserves none. Only the Reader may observe, I have followed the Spanish as close as the difference of the two Languages could bear, which I did to preserve as near as possible the Author's Sense entire, without intruding any Notions of my own.  
My Design is not to make up this small Volume with a long Preface, for this has already extended farther than I had proposed to myself. I will therefore conclude, advertising the Reader, that according to the Acceptance. I shall sinned this meets withal, I will proceed to give the Public a farther Taste of the Works of Don Francisco de Quevedo.   

FORTUNE IN HER WITS, AND THE Hour of all Men.  
JOVE in a Splenetic Rage rend his very Throat, and pierced the Earth with his Bawling; for to say it only pierced the Heaven, where he resided, had not been an Expression emphatical enough. He summoned all the Gods in great haste to assemble before him in Council. The first that appeared was Mars, that Celestial Don Quixot, armed Cap-a pee, with his Spear advanced, and making Passes in the Air. Next to him came the Platter-faced Deity Bacchus, with a Periwig made of Vine-Branches, his Eyes overflowing, his Mouth like a Winepress belching out Liquor at second-hand, his Speech Stammering, his Steps Reeling, an his Brain entoxicated with the Juice of the Grape. On the other side appeared Hobbling Saturn, that Bugbear, Child-eating Deity, gorging himself with his own Sons. With him came Dripping Neptune, the Watery God, that bears an old Woman's Jawbone instead of a Sceptre; for that is the English of a Trident; about him hung the Seaweeds like Rags, clung together with the Spawn of Fish, smelling strong as of a Friday Dinner, and with the Water that ran from him laying the Dust of the Charcoal raised by his Follower Pluto, a God of Devils, with his Head and Face powdered with Soot, perfumed with Brimstone and Gunpowder, and Clothed in such profound Darkness, that he was scarce discernible, though close followed by the Glaring Sun, with his Brazen Face and Tinsel Beard: That Fox-coloured rambling Planet, that winds up the Threads of all Lives, affects being close Trimmed, dotes on the Guitars and the Lute, and yet is employed in tacking of Days one upon the back of another, and heaping of Years and Ages, having conspired with Cares and Apoplexies for the Peopling, of Churchyards. Venus, as she came, filled the Heavens with the vast Circumference of her Farthingale, hiding the Five Zones under her Petticoats, her Face but half licked, and the Tower that was to cover her bald Skull hanging all awry for haste. After her came the Moon with her Face cut into Quarters, the Nightwalking Lady that only serves to save Candle and Lantern. The God Pan rushed in with a great noise, being followed by two vast Herds of Sylvans, Fauns, and other Hairy and Clovenfooted Gods of the Woods. All Heaven swarmed with Manes, Lemures, Lar, and other little Deities, who all took their Chairs, the Goddesses 
* In Spain the Women do not sit on Chairs, but on Cushions upon the Ground.  squatting down like Tailors upon their Legs, the whole Assembly attentively fixing their Eyes upon Jove. Man's rattling his Armour like the Harmony of a Tinker's Kettle, started up, and looking stern as a Bully after a Beating, thundered out these Words: Open thy Mouth with a Vengeance, thou mighty Hector of this upper Region, open thy Mouth, I say, and prate, for you seem to be in a Dream. Jove thus accosted in so rough a Dialect, whilst, though it was Summer, he held the sparkling Thunderbolt, (when it had been much properer to have cooled himself with a Fan) raising his Voice, that it might sound the greater, answered: Keep your Prating Tongue betwixt your Teeth, and let us call Mercury. In the twinkling of an Eye Mercury dropped before him, holding his little Wand like a Juggler; his Heel fledged, and his little Hat in the shape of a Mushroom on his Head. Then Jove said, Thou Ubiquitary God, shoot thyself into the World, and in a trice drag Fortune hither by the Ears. In an instant the Spirit of Olympus, clapping Wings instead of Spurs, to his Heels, vanished with such swiftness, that the sight could not distinguish between his departure and return. He returned like Lazarillo leading Blind Fortune, who with a Staff in one Hand felt out her Way, and in the other held a String, which was a Bridle to a little Dog. She stood a tiptoe upon a Globe, in the midst of a Wheel wound with Threads, Breads, Ribbans, Cords, and Ropes, all which, as it moved, knit themselves together, and unknit again. Behind, as her Maid, came Opportunity, a Broad-faced, Flat-nosed, Bald-pated Wench, only on the top of her Forehead was one single Lock scarce big enough to make one good Whisker. This Lock was as slippery as an Eell, and played in the Air, being moved at the breath of every Word. By her Hands it appeared that Opportunity lived upon hard labour, and doing all the Drudgery of Fortune. All the Gods appeared disgusted at the sight of Fortune, and some of them made signs as if she had turned their Stomaches, when she in a squeaking Tone, and speaking at a venture, said; My Eyes being in their Swaddling Clouts, and my Sight in the dark, I cannot discover who you are that make up this Assembly; but be you who you will, my discourse is directed to you all, and particularly to thee, O Jove, who spittest thy Thunderbolts after the drippings of the Clouds; tell me what Whimsy came into thy Head to send for me, whereas for so many Ages passed thou hast never so much as thought on me: Perhaps thou and the rest of thy Mob of Godlings have forgot how great the extent of my power is, and that I have tossed about both thee and them no less than I do poor Mortals. Jove swelling, and looking stern, replied; Thou Sot, thy Extravagancies, thy Follies, and thy Wickedness, are so great, that Mortals believe, since we do not curb thee, there are no Deities, that Heaven lies waste, and that I am a poor insignificant God: They complain, that thou givest to Villainies those Rewards which are due to Merit; that Virtue is unregarded, and Vice encouraged; that thou placest those in the Judgment-Seats, who ought to be preferred to the Gallows; that thou bestowest Dignities on those whose Ears should be Nailed to the Pillory; and that thou oppressest and impoverishest those thou oughtest to raise and enrich. Fortune looking pale with anger, and chafing, said; I am no Fool, I know what I do, and all my actions are guided by Prudence: You who call me rash Sot, remember you Kackled like a Goose to Leda, that you played the false Coiner with Danae, that you Bellowed and acted the Bull for Europa, and have been guilty of a thousand other Roguish mad Pranks, and that all those who attend you have been only Crows and Magpies; None of which Fopperies can be laid to my charge. If Persons of Merit are laid aside, and Virtuous Men pass unrewarded, the fault is not altogether mine; many despise what I offer them, and their Modesty is laid at my door as a Crime; Others rather than stretch out their hands, let slip what I tender them; Others snatch it from me without my consent; More Men are enriched by forcing it from me, than by my free gift. There are more that steal what I refuse, than that keep what I give them; Many receive of me that they know not how to preserve, they lose it and pretend I take it from them; Many accuse me for misplacing Gifts on others, which would be much worse employed on themselves; There is no Man happy without being envied by many, and no Man is miserable without being contemned by all; This Maid has always served me, without her I have never done any thing; her Name is Opportunity, hear her, and learn of a Drudging Wench how to judge of things. Then Opportunity letting her Tongue run for fear of letting herself slip said; I am that sort of good natured Female that offer myself to all Men, many find but few enjoy me: I am a Female Sampsoness, for all my strength lies in my Hair, he that can hold fast by my Lock need not fear to be thrown by my Mistress: It is I that manage, I that distribute her, and when Men know not how to pursue their own interests, and make their advantages, they lay all the blame upon me: Folly and ignorance have furnished Men with these Hellish Sentences, Who would have believed? I did not think. I did not reflect on it. I did not know. It is well enough yet. What matter's it. It is neither here nor there. To morrow will do. There's time enough. There is no wanting an Opportunity. I slipped my time. I know my own business. I am no Fool. Let not that trouble you. I am bound to see it. That's a Jest. Never believe it. I'll do my own business. I shall not want. God will provide. All days are not alike. If one thing fails, another hits. 'Tis well enough. What is that to him? It is my Opinion. It cannot be. Do not tell me. I can see into it. Time will show it. Let the World run. It is I that am to answer for it. I am no such Man. Very lively. Let them talk as they please. Over Shoes over Boots. I understand Trap. Time will show, they say, and But, and Perhaps, and the Conlcusion of all positive Blockheads, Come what will. These Follies make Men Conceited, Slothful and Careless; These are the Gaps that I slip out at; These are the Rubs that overset my Mistress' Wheel; and these the Gusts that split her Sail. Then if the Fools let me slip by them, what fault is it in me to be gone? If they lay the Rubs in the way of my Mistress' Wheel, why do they complain of its jolting. If they know it is a Wheel whereof every part is sometimes up and sometimes down, and that each part descends in order to rise, and riseth in order to fall again, why do they entangle themselves in it? The Sun has stood still, the Wheel of Fortune never did. Whosoever has thought to fix it, only gave it a check that it might whirl again with the greater fury. It's motion like that of Time puts a period to all Worldly Felicities and Calamities, to all the Lives in the World, and by degrees to the World itself. This, O Jove, is matter of fact, let who will oppose it.  
Fortune encouraged at these Words, and turning on all hands like a Weathercock, said; Opportunity has discovered how unjustly I am accused; however, I am resolved myself to convince thee, thou Supreme Thunderer, and all thy Company, carrousing in Nectar and Ambrosia, notwithstanding that I always had, now have, and shall ever continue to have as much power over you, as over the meanest Rabble in the World. I hope to see your Divinities starving with Hunger and Cold for want of Victims, and that not so much as a black Pudding shall be sacrificed to you, but you shall only serve to fill up Ballads, and be brought in for Rhyme sake in Love Songs for the Diversion of the Mob, and Encouragement of Hawkers.  
A Curse light on all thy Designs (quoth the Sun) for so impudently blaspheming against our Power. Were it permitted me, as I am the Sun, I would swelter thee with Heat, scorch thee with my Rays, and make thee run mad with the Headache. Go dry up the Dirt (said Fortune) ripen Cucumbers, furnish Plagues for the good of Physicians, and assist those that louse themselves at thy light; for know I have seen you keep Cows, and run after a Wench, who, though you was the Sun, left you in the dark. Remember your Son was burnt to death like a Heretic, therefore be silent hereafter, and let those speak to whom it belongs. Then Jove with all his gravity uttered these Words; Fortune; both you, and that impudent Wench thy Servant, are much in the right, in many things you have said; however, for the general satisfaction of all People, it is irrevocably decreed, that on the same day and hour throughout the whole World every Man be put into those Circumstances he justly deserves. This must be, therefore appoint the day ●nd the hour. Fortune replied, To what purpose is it to delay what must be, let it be to day, let us know what time of the day it is. The Sun, who is the Standard of Clockmakers, answered; This is the 20th of June, as to the time of the day, it is Three and three quarters and six minutes after Noon. Mind then (quoth Fortune) and as soon as it strikes Four, you shall see how affairs go upon Earth. Then falling to work, she began to grease the Axletree of her Wheel, to settle the Spokes, remove the Nails, and entangle several Cords, slackening some, and straining others, till the Sun cried out, and said; It is just Four, neither over nor under, for this very instant I have brought the shade of the Gnomon of all Clocks upon the fourth Postmeridian Line. No sooner had he uttered these Words than Fortune, as if she had been playing on a Cymbal, began to unwind her Wheel, which whirling about like a Hurrican, huddled all the World into an unparallelled confusion. Fortune gave a mighty Squeak, saying, Fly Wheel, and the Devil drive thee.  

The Physician.  That very moment, a Physician riding along on his Mule, a Snails Gallop, in pursuit of Diseases, was surprised by the wonderful influence of that Hour which was to give all Men their due, and on a sudden he found himself in the posture of a Hangman, with his Legs  the Shoulders of his Patient, crying, Credo instead of Recipe, as if he had been going to turn him off the Ladder.  

The Alguazil.  At a small distance followed in the same Street a Criminal that was Whipped, the Crier before proclaiming his Misdemeanours, the Hangman behind lashing him, he riding upon an Ass, and naked from the Waste upward like a Galley Slave. This was his posture at the Striking of the Clock, which was no sooner over, but the Horse the 
* Alguazil is an Officer in Spain that apprehends Criminals, and attends the Execution of Justice. Criminals in Spain are carried to the Gallows, and Whipped upon an Ass.  Alguazil rid on threw him, and the † Ass the Criminal; The Horse took up the Criminal, and having changed Stations, he began to be lashed who before attended the Execution, and he to attend who before was lashed. The 
* The Scribe, in Spanish Escrivano, is a sort of Clerk almost inseparable from the Alguazil.  Scribe alighted to set all again to rights, and taking out his Pen it grew out into a Galley Oar, and instead of Writing, he began to Row.  

† The Apothecary.  The Scavenger's Carts passing through another Street at the first moment of the Hour, stopped before an Apothecary's Shop, and on a sudden all the Dirt began to fly out of the Cart into the Shop, whence the Pots and Glasses leapt out into the Carts with wonderful noise and confusion. But the Dirt and the Pots meeting, as the one went in and the other out, it was observed, that the Dirt very squeamishly cried out, Keep off. Mean while the Dust men were not idle, but with their Brooms and Shovels swept together and threw up into the Cart's heaps of Painted Whores, Pocky Beaus, and Powdered Fops.  

The Cheat.  A certain notorious Knave had built a sumptuous House, not much inferior to a Palace, with a stately Porch, and over it a Noble Coat of Arms cut in Stone, and an Inscription as if he had been of some considerable Family. The Owner was an errand Thief, who under the shadow of his Employ had stole the whole Cost of the Fabric. He was then in the House, and at the Door was a Bill signifying three Apartments were there to be let. The Hour came, O good God, who can express such a Prodigy? Every Stone, every Brick in the whole Structure, fell asunder, the Tiles flew some to the top of one House, and some to another, the Rafters, Doors and Windows hurried into several Houses, to the terror of the Owners who looked upon this Restitution as the effects of an Earthquake, and thought it was the end of the World. The Iron Bars and Grates walked about the streets seeking whom they belonged to. The Arms that stood over the Doors posted away to a Country Gentleman's seat, whence this Cursed Villain pretended himself to be descended, The Rogue himself stripped of his Fabric, was left alone at the corner of a Street, with only the Bill upon him which had been at the Door, but that so changed, that whereas before the purport of it was, This House is to be Let unfurnished, inquire within of the Landlord: Now it was, This Thief is to be Let unfurnished, whosoever will hire him may come in without knocking, since the House does not hinder it.  
Opposite to this Man lived a Pawnbroker, 
Pawn-Broker.  who seeing his Neighbour's House vanish, thought to secure himself, saying, the Houses remove from their Landlords, this is a base invention. But tho' he used the utmost diligence to secure himself, the hour was come, and on a sudden an Escritore, a Silver Table and, a rich Hanging which he kept in Captivity being Pawned to him, flew from the Walls with such violence, that a piece of the hanging in its way to the Window wound itself about him, and carried him through the Air above an hundred paces, where he dropped on the top of a House, not without some bruises. From thence to his unspeakable Grief, he saw all he had hurried away to the right owners. After all the rest came out the Letters of Nobility, 
In Spain Gentlemen take out their Letters of Nobility, which whosoever can show, is free from Arrests.  upon which he had lent a Sum of Money to the Gentleman they belonged to for two Months, on condition to receive five and Twenty per Cent. Interest for that short time. These Letters to his astonishment, as they passed by him, said, Thou Barbarous Tyrant over Pawns, if our Master for our sake cannot be arrested for Debt, what reason can you show, to keep us in Prison? This said, they leapt into a Cook's shop, where the Gentleman that owned them sat with a hungry Belly envying every bit he saw another put into his Mouth.  

The Talker.  An Eternal Talker, who lavished as many words, as would have furnished half a score intolerable Babblers, and whose Tongue seemed to be the perpetual motion so long sought after, was busy confounding his whole Neighbourhood with the overflowing of his clack; when, on a sudden, the hour being come, his Tongue was tied up, and he struggling to run on, only stuttered and stammered the same syllables over without end; and finding his mouth stopped, his very Eyes and Ears seemed to forget their own Office, and burst out into talk.  

The Judges  Five Judges were sitting on the Bench upon a Trial; one of them merely out of ill nature was projecting how he might cast both parties. Another being a mere Ignoramus, and understanding nothing of the matter, was resolved to give his opinion, as all Blockheads do, at a venture. The Third a doting old Fellow who had slept most part of the Trial, giving Judgement like? Pilat's Wife, by Dreams, was considering with which of his Fellows he should close in opinion at random. The Fourth who was a Learned and Upright Judge, sat like a cipher next to the last, who being corrupted with Bribes, strained the sense of the Law, and drew over to his Party the other three; but at the very instant of giving Judgement the hour commenced, and instead of saying, The Court is of opinion, that such a one is Cast and Condemned, he said, The Court does award, that we be Damned, and accordingly we are Damned. Be the sentence fulfilled said an unknown Voice. In a moment their Gowns were converted into Snake-skins, and they falling together by the Ears, soon stripped one another's Faces, every one carrying away his Neighbour's Beard, to show that their Judgement lay in their Fingers, and not in their Heads.  

A Matchmaker.  A Match maker was busy intoxicating an Honest Man's Brain, who being weary of a quiet Life and a good Estate, was thinking of Marrying; he proposed to him a consummated Jilt, and set her off in this manner. Sir, I will not commend her Birth, because, God be praised, you have quality enough to bestow on her; as for Riches, you are plentifully provided; Beauty in a Wife is a thing of dangerous consequence; as for matter of Judgement it is you that are to govern her, and you do not take her for a Councillor; ill humours she is not troubled with, her Years are but few, (yet he meant she had but few to Live) she has all the other good qualities you could wish. The poor Man in a passion cried out, Thou accursed Devil, what other good qualities can she have, since you own she is neither well Born, Rich, Beautiful nor Discreet; and all you can say for her is, that she is not ill-natured. Scarce had he done when the Hour began, and the Cursed Matchmaker, who acts the Tailor at Weddings, Stealing, Lying, Cheating, Patching and Piecing, found himself Married to the Monster, he would have vamped upon the other Man; and the new Couple falling upon one another, went off Kicking and Scratching, and Crying by turns, Who are you? What Fortune did you bring, you are not worthy to wipe my Shoes.  

A Poet.  A Poet having seated himself among an Assembly of Wits, was rea●ing to them a Pedantic obscure Poem of his own composing, so stuffed with Latinisms, so cramped with Syncopa's, so entangled with Parentheses, and so perplexed with Similes and Allusions, that none of the Company could find either head or tail to it. Upon the turn of the Hour he had gone halfway through his Jargon, or Confusion of Languages, and all the hearers pressing upon him, to pick out, if possible, some meaning from that Chaos of hard Words, one of them who held a Candle in his hand to inform himself the better by overlooking the Paper, put it so close that the unfortunate Poem took Fire. The Poet stamped and tore his hair seeing all his labour condemned to the Flames; but he that had fired it pacified him, saying, These Verses are like old tarnished Silver Lace, they must be first burnt, and then perhaps you may separate the pure Metal from the Dross.  

The Whore.  A Topping Whore sailing out of her Lodging with a mighty Fardingal, so large she could scarce crowd through her narrow Entry, and filled both sides of the Street with the vast compass of her Coats, was overtaken by the first minute of the all-ruling Hour, and on a sudden being set upon her Head, appeared like a Bell inverted. Here was discovered a vast Fardel of Rags that composed a Rumprowl, with a Piece of Tapestry Hanging rolled up to set out her Hips, which in the turn loosening, and falling over her Belly, there appeared at the bottom of it an Holofernes' his Head. The whole Street was alarmed with the Shouts of the Rabble that beheld her. She Skreiked, but her Voice being drowned in the labyrinth of her Petticoats fallen about her Head, the noise sounded as if it came out from a deep Cavern. She had certainly been stifled in the Crouch, but that at the same time a Beau strutting along the Street with false Calves, and three false Teeth; and two Dotards with their grey Hair, and Beard coloured black; and 3 old Bald pated Fellows that wore Periwigs; They were all surprised by the Influence of that Hour. The Beau feeling his Calves slink away, thought to cry for help, believing his Legs would be stolen; but at the first motion of his Tongue, out drops his Teeth. The Dotards Beards and Hair became as grey as a Badger, so that they scarce knew one another; and the Bald Fellows Periwigs flew away with their Hats, leaving them nothing differing from bare Skulls, but that they wore Whiskers.  

The Nobleman.  A certain Nobleman had a Favourite Domestic who devoured his Substance, this Domestic was cheated by his Servant, the Servant by his Man, the Man by his Friend, the Friend by his Wench, and the Wench was deluded by the Devil. Now the Hour being come, the Devil who seemed to be at such a distance from the Lord, seizeth upon the Whore, the Whore on her Spark, the Spark on the Man, the Man on the Servant, the Servant on his Master, and the Master on his Lord, and the Devil possessing him, after running the Gauntlet through the Whore, the Bully, the Man, the Servant and Domestic, in a Hellish Rage he falls upon his Domestic, the Domestic on his Servant, the Servant on his Man, the Man on his Friend, the Friend on his Whore, and she laid about upon them all; and thus exagitated by Furies, they tore one another to pieces, all their Frauds and Villainies were laid open, and the Devil who had managed the whole Contrivance without discovery, swept them away all in a Cluster.  

The Rich Wife.  A Rich Married Woman sat at her Dressing Table, plastering up her Wrinkled freckly Skin, sleeking her Weatherbeaten Forehead, drawing Kickshaws with a Pencil, colouring her decayed Cheeks with Spanish Wool, and dying her pale Lips of a lively Cherry colour. By her, as an Assistant, kneeled a Decrepit old Governant like a Skeleton, Dressed up, holding a Tour of an extraordinary magnitude. Next to her stood a young Chambermaid, yet a Novice at the Trade of Daubing, and in her Hands a pair of Iron Bolstered Bodies, contrived to rectify two mighty Excrescencies that discomposed the figure of the Body. In this posture sat the Lady confounding and shaming her very Looking-glass, when the Hour commenced, and she led by the powerful influence thereof, began to lay about her, applying the Whitewash to her Hair, the Black Lead to her Teeth, the Red to her Kickshaws and Forehead, clapping the Tower on her Jaws, and lacing on the Bolstered Bodies the wrong way. Thus in a moment she was converted into a Skarecrow, with a curled Beard, and four Hunches more ghastly and frightful than an Hobgoblin. The Governant thinking she was distracted, started up, and fled with might and main; the Chambermaid sounded away as if she had seen the Devil, and the Lady enraged in that horrible posture scoured after the Governant. The noise brought the Husband, who seeing his Wife, thought she was possessed by some Malignant Spirit, and ran with speed to call a Priest to apply Exorcisms to her.  

Abuses in Goals.  A Sovereign Prince resolved to be present himself at a Goal Delivery, being informed that his Officers made the Prison their Market, where they bought and sold Crimes and Criminals at all sorts of Rates and Prizes, exchanging Robbers for Gold, and Murderers for ready Money. He ordered the Prisoners to be brought before him, and found they had been apprehended for the Crimes they had committed, but were detained through the Avarice of their Keepers, who computed what some had and might have stolen, and what others had or might have of their own: so that their Cause was depending as long as their Stock lasted, and the day it expired was the day they were punished; it being plain they were apprehended for the ill they had done, and executed for what they had not. Among the rest were two condemned to be Hanged the next day. One of these having compounded with his Adversary, was kept as a Prisoner at large. The other they designed to Hang for Robbing, after having been three years a Prisoner, during which time they had devoured all he stole, and all he, his Father, and Wife, by whom he had two Children, were worth. Thus far had this Prince proceeded when the Hour commenced, and he turning pale with anger, said; This Man you disigned to discharge because he has compounded with his Adversary, shall be hanged to morrow; for the contrary would be exposing of Lives to Sale, and the Price of buying off an Appeal would prove the purchase of a Husband's Blood from the Wife, of the Father's from a Son, and of a Son's from the Father; so that Pardons for Murder being to be bought, a Rate would be set upon every Man's Life, and thus all Examples of Justice would cease, it being an easy matter to persuade the Appellant, that a Thousand or Five hundred Crowns will do him more good, than the Hanging of his Enemy. There are two Parties concerned in all public Offences, viz. Justice and the Person Offended, and it is no less necessary that the former should punish, than that the latter should forgive. This Thief, whom after three years' imprisonment you intended to Hang, shall be sent to the Galleys; for as it had been justice to Hang him three years ago, so now it would be a Barbarous Wrong, because in him you would hang his Father, Wife, and Children, who are innocent, and whose Substance by these delays you have devoured. I remember a Story of a Man, who enraged that the Mice gnawed his Papers, Crusts of Bread, Parings of Cheese, and old Shoes, took in Cats to destroy the Mice; but perceiving the Cats not only eat the Mice, but stole his Meat out of the Pot, and tore it off the Spit, that one day they spoilt a Fowl, and another a whole Joint of Meat, he killed the Cats, and said, The Mice for my Money. Do you apply she Moral to this Fable, since you like Devouring Cats, instead of cleansing the State from Vermin, do catch and eat the Thiefs, who are little Mice, that Pick a Pocket, Cut a Purse, Snatch a Hat, or Steal a Cloak, and at the same time you waste the Country, consume Estates, and destroy whole Families. Infamous Wretches, I will rather endure Mice than maintain Cats. This said, he ordered all the Prisoners to be discharged, and the Officers to be apprehended. There was a wonderful Noise and Confusion, those lamented who before were inexorable; and the Prisoners loaded those with Fetters and Chains, who before had Fettered them.  

Old Women hiding their Age.  Several Women appeared in a Street, some of them afoot, and though many were well stricken in years, they tripped it along like young Girls, proud of their little Feet and white Petticoats. Others were packed up in a Coach, dissembling their Age with their Coy Looks, and playing with their white Hands. Others Dressed like Bartholomew Babies, and afraid the Air should discompose them, were set up in Glass Cupboards or Sedans, carried by greasy Fellows, the farthest prospect of the Lady's Eyes being the neighbouring Haunches of the foremost, and the next Perfume to their Noses proceeding from his sweaty Feet, which being free from the encumbrance of Socks sent it up the fresher. All of them were as gay as young Girls, striving to be taken for such, concealing their Age as they would their Shame, and Ogleing with those Eyes that were ready to sink into their Heads. Upon the very entrance of the Hour they were met by Maximus, Origanus, Argolius, and a pack of other ancient Astrologers, with their Ephemerideses in their Hands, who presently attacked them, to fix upon every one the date of her Life to the very year, day, hour, minute, and second of their Nativity. These Conjurers set up a Cry, Own your Age, ye Wretches, since it is your Doom, you are Forty two years old, 2 months, days, 2 hours, 9 minutes, and 20 seconds, says one of the Astrologers to one of the Ladies. Good God who can express the terrible Shrieks she raised; all that could be understood was, you Lie, it is false, I am not Fifteen; Lord, what a Rogue this is to say such a thing! Another cried, I am not Eighteen; a Third, I am but Thirteen; I am a mere Child, an Infant, cries another. Origanus was writing her Age upon the Back of one, as if it had been a Bill upon a Door, and it was to this effect; This Woman was delivered into the World in the Year 1629. She perceiving by this means, it would appear she was 67 Years of Age, all in a rage cried out, Thou Old doting Emblem of Death, I am but just come into the World, my Teeth are not all cut▪ Thou decayed piece of Antiquity, replied Origanus, Teeth will never spring under old Stump, look upon your Date: I'll own no Date, quoth she, and thus falling together by the Ears, the controversy ended in a wonderful confusion.  
After a sumptuous Dinner a mighty Potentate sat sat lulling his Pride with the false Flatteries that fell from the mouths of his Servants. 
Sycophants.  A grumbling noise resounded from his crammed guts, which could not agree in the Cooks-shop of his Belly, with the strange medley of varieties he had devoured. He foamed at the Mouth, the Wine boiling over, and his whole Face was inflamed and bloated with the exhalation of his Stomach. At each word he uttered, tho' never so stupid, the standers by like Men in a Frenzy poured out Superlative Encomiums: An admirable sentence cries one, nothing could be expressed finer says another, most incomparable words says a Third; and lastly, a Parasite who laboured to out-flatter all the rest, straining a lie to the utmost pitch exclaims, Learning itself stands amazed to hear you, and even admiration is outdone. The great Man strutting, and fetching up two or three Gulps, the forerunners of a Vomit drivelled out these words, I am much concerned for the loss of my two Ships. Immediately the Parasites renewed their Flatteries, and Romancing without measure, one of them replied, That that loss redounded to his Honour, that it fell out as could have been wished, and nothing could have happened more opportunely, since it administered an opportunity of falling out with his Neighbours, from whom he might take Two Hundred in lieu of these two, which might easily be compassed. To prove this, the, false Flatterer produced many examples. Another said, That loss was the greatest testimony of his Grandeur, for only he was a great Prince who had much to lose, that losing was a better demonstration of Power, than gaining and acquiring, which were the Practice of Pirates and Robbers. That damage sustained, he added, would be the enriching of him; and then began to fill his Ears with sentences out of Tacitus, Sallust, Polybius, Thucydides, and other Authors; represencing the vast losses of the Greeks and Romans, and a Thousand other extravagancies▪ The mighty Glutton who only studied how to excuse his sloth, took these falsehoods as full satisfaction for his loss. The Devil himself could not have contrived a better way to infatuate him. At this time the crudity of his Stomach for want of digestion cast up a Belch, which made the room to Echo No sooner had the Cursed Parasites heard it, than kneeling down to make him believe he had sneezed, they unanimously said, God bless you. That very minute began the Hour, and the great Man raving as if exagicated by furies cried out, Villains, since you would impose upon me so far as to make a Belch pass for a Sneeze, though my Mouth and my Nose are so close together, what can I expect you would do in those things I neither see nor smell. Then shaking his Hands about his Ears as if he were driving away their Lies, he ran at them and kicked them out of the Palace, saying. Had these Fellows come upon me when I had a Cold, they had utterly undone me; one sense that was left me proved their ruin, their is no greater happiness than Smelling.  

The Cheats.  The Misers warned by costly experience separated themselves from the Cheats, and these rather than lose their Trade attacked one another, disguising their Words and counterfeiting Plain Dealing. Says one Cheat to another, Sir, having paid dear for dealing with Sharpers who have been my ruin, I come to you who are no stranger to my Honesty, to desire you will lend me 3000 Royals 
* There are such quantities of Coper-Mony in Spain, that great Sums are often paid in it, and great Consideration is allowed for Payments in Gold or Silver.  in Brass, upon a Bill which is accepted and payable in Silver within two Months; the party the Bill is drawn upon is so responsible, the Money is as good as if you had it in your Pocket, and you will have no further trouble than telling of it. But the Man upon whom he gave the Bill was the very sink of Fraud and Deceit. The Sharper who heard the other Sharper commending the Third, pretending not to be acquainted with the qualifications of either, and arming himself with his own Weapons, with a doleful deliberation answered, That he was just then come abroad to borrow 4000 Royals upon A Pawn that was worth Eight. They all accosted one another with gilt Chains that were to past for Gold, counterfeit Bills that were accepted, shame Securities, false Notes, Plate they had borrowed for a Feast, and bits of Glass and Bristol stones under the title of Diamonds. It was wonderful to hear the discourse that passed betwixt them. One said, Honesty is the best Policy, and plain dealing is a Jewel. I had rather die in a Ditch than do a base thing. I stand upon my Reputation, 'tis a great blessing to be afraid to show one's Face; this has been my Education from my Cradle. Another of the Cheats answered. There is nothing like keeping touch, an honest Man's Word is as good as his Bond, I never desired illgotten Riches, I will have nothing that way require restitution, my Soul is more precious to me than all the World, I would not be guilty of one Cheat for all the Riches in the Earthy, I value my conscience above all the Universe contains. Thus were these Dissemblers disguising their fly designs with fair Speeches, when the Hour came upon them, and every Sharper believing his companion, they all ruined one another. He that had the false Chain gave it for the counterfeit Bill, he that showed the Glass Diamonds exchanged them for the borrowed Plate. The Three ran to the Goldsmith, the other with his Bill to the Banker to compound for half in ready Money before the Cheat of the Chain was discovered. The Banker told him the Bill was not his, neither did he know any such Man, and seat him away with a Flea in his Ear. Away slunk the Sharper with-his Bill instead of his Tail betwixt bis Legs, saying, O Dog, what a trick had he served me, but that the Chain was made of old Iron. He that parted with the false Diamonds for die Place being at the Goldsmith's selling it for lest than the weights, rejoiced to think how he had bubbled the other with bits of Glass. In comes the right Owner, and seeing his Plate swing in the Scale calls an Alguazil and seizes the Cheat for a Thief, and they fell together by the Ears. At the noise out runs he with the false Diamonds: He that was selling die Plate cried out, That Rogue sold it to me; The other answered, He lies, he stole it from me. The Goldsmith cried, That Scoundrel would have sold me pebbles for Diamonds. The owner of the Plate was for seizing them both; The Scribe was for securing all three till the matter were decided. The Alguazil seized the two Cheats, and the Scribe led the owner of the Plate by the Cloak; after the Rogues had well buffeted one another, and thus well-attended by the Mob, they were led to Goal, and there put into custody of the Hangman's Master of the Wardrobe.  
There is a small Island on the Coast of Denmark, in which there are Five Towns. The Lord of this place was very poor, rather because he coveted much, than that he wanted for any thing. God had afflicted the Inhabitants with a general inclination in them all to be Projectors, so that the Land seemed to be infested with as many Monsters as there were Men. All the Neighbouring People shunned these Islanders as they would the Plague, for the very Air that came from them was so contagious, it consumed their Stocks, blasted their Fields, wasted their Treasure, and ruin'd their Trade. So prodigious was the natural Proneness to Projecting in that Country, that the very sucking Babes instead of Daddy and Mammy, cried nothing but Project. The whole Island was a confused Chaos, for Man and Wise, Father and Son, Neighbour and Neighbour, were ever jangling and bawling about their Projects, and they were as intoxicated with them as if they had been drunk with Wine. The Lord of this place, (Avarice, which is one of the worst Devils that distract the World, having gained the ascendant over him) ordered a general gathering of Projects. Legions of Projectors assembled before his Palace, with Skrips and Scrolls of Paper stuck in their Girdles, run through their Button Holes, and peeping out of their Pockets. The Lord having made known his Wants, demanded their Assistance, and they all at once laying hold of their Papers, and crowding till they had almost stifled one another, in an instant heaped up four Tables with their Memoirs. The hurry being somewhat over, he began to look over them. The first Paper he opened was Entitled to this effect: A Project for getting an infinite quantity of Silver and Gold, without ask, or taking it from any body. A difficult proposition in my mind, says the Lord. The second: How to gather unmeasurable Treasure by taking what they have, from all Men, and enriching them by taking it away. The first part, quoth the Lord, of taking from all Men, I like; put as to the second, which is to enrich them by taking it from them, I am dubious, yet let them look to that. The third: An easy, pleasing, and just Project for amassing of many Millions, in such manner, that they who are to pay them shall not miss them, but rather shall think they are bestowed on them. This I approve of, leaving the persuasive part to the Projector. The fourth Project undertakes to make what is deficient to superabound without adding any thing, or taking away, and without giving any Body cause of Complaint. A Project so inoffensive can have nothing of truth in it. The fifth, which offers to furnish all that shall be desired, directs to take by fair and foul Means, and to ask of all Men, and they will give themselves to the Devil. This Project having to do with the Devil, seemed practicable. The Author encouraged by this Approbation, added: And I propose, that those who levy it, shall be a comfort to them that suffer by it. The Devil put it into his Head to let slip that Word, Furies possess the Projectors, who thunder out Reproaches against him, calling him, Sot and Dog, and crying, Thou Scoundrel, Hell itself could never have proposed a Comfort for't in Tax-gatherers, they themselves being the greatest of Grievances. They called one another Sons of Projectors, as it had been Sons of Whores, condemning one another's Proposals, and each approving only of his own. In the height of this Fray, many of the Lords Servants came running, and crying the Palace was afire in three several places, and the Wind blew high. Just then began the Hour, the Smoke was great, and the Flame ascended. The Lord in that Consternation knew not which way to turn himself. The Projectors bid him sit still, and they would set all to rights in a moment; and rushing out from his presence, some laid Hands on all they found in the House, casting the Cabinets, Tables, Glasses, and all that was of value, out at the Windows; others with Sledges overthrew a Tower; others saying; the Fire would cease as soon as it had vent, uncovered a great part of the House, breaking down the Rooss, and destroying all that stood in their way. None of them, went about to quench the Fire, but all were employed in pulling down the House, and confounding all that was in it. The Lord seeing the Smoke decrease, went out, and found, that the Common People with his Officers and Servants had overcome the Fire, yet at the same time perceived the Projectors were tearing up the very Foundations, had demolished his Palace, and spoiled all his Furniture: Incensed and raging at this hideous sight, he cried out, Dogs, you are worse than the Fire, and such art all your Projects, it were better I had been burnt, than to have given ear to you, so destructive are all the Remedies you apply. You overturn a whole Heuse for fear a Corner of it should fall, and throw the best Goods into the Street pretending to save them. You feed a Prince with his own Limbs, and pretend to maintain him, when at the same time he is devouring himself. If the Head devours its whole Body, it will remain a Cancer and not a Man. Villains, justly did the Fire come to burn me for gathering and suffering you to live, but when it perceived me in the power of Projectors it ceased, concluding I was already consumed. Fire is the most Merciful of Projectors for Water quenches it, but you inctease in spite of all the Elements. Antichrist will be a Projector, and shall burn you all alive, and keep your Ashes to make Lie to wash out the Stains of all Commonwealths. Prince's may be Poor, but when once they have to do with Projectors, they cease to be Princes to avoid being Poor.  

Bawds and Jiles.  The Bawds and Whores had gathered a wicked Council, where they railed at the Purses they could not come at, and spoke ill of Money that was out of their reach. The ancientest of the Bawds, mumbling her Words betwixt her Gums with a hollow Tone, proceeding from, the want of Teeth, grunted out these Words to the Assembly; The World is now at the last gasp, it is a starving Age, things are at the worst, Fairings and New-years-gifts are long since out of date, Love-Offerings are searce remembered, Money is come to that pass no body knows it, and it is vanished from our sight, a Grown Piece is shown about as if it were an Elephant, and Guinea's are Styled of Blessed Memory Promises have succeeded in the place of ready Coin. A Compliment, with, You may rely upon my Word; is the common Stop-gap, and an empty Note passes for current Cash. Your Spruce Beaus with Bushy Wigs and long Sword-knots, will reduce you to a Morsel of Bread. Our business is to have and to hold, to seize the ready Rino, and to be paid beforehand, I recommend to you certain Men that are half rotten, that live in the space betwixt Dotage and the Grave, that trim up a walking Skeleton, and lay up for no Heir bat their Luxury; paying well for the weakness of their Limbs. Interest takes away all squeamishness, shut your Eyes, and stop your Noses, as if you were swallowing a Purge; a Bitter Draught 〈◊〉 sometimes a wholesome Medicine. Make account that you burn old Lace for the Silver, or suck a Bone to get out the Marrow. I have half a dozen of dry old Dotards. who spit Pieces of Eight for every one of you. I do not desire a third, but shall be satisfied with some small Allowance to keep up that Reputation I have preserved all my Life. She said, and closing her Chin with the tip of her Nose, made a Face like a Nutcracker. One of the young Harpies replied; Thou Antiquated Contriver of Delight, Coupler of Male and Female, Tacker of Nations, joiner of Giblets; and Counterfeiter of Faces, consider we are too young to be sold to impotent Curmudgeons, make use of your Rhetoric among the decayed Governants, who are but Walking Carcases playing about the Grave, at Butterflies do about a Candle, till they drop into it. Young Blood is more inclined to the Flesh than to Money, and prefers pleasure before Riches, therefore let me advise you to choose some other Trade, for Quality bos now taken up that of Bawding, and I hope to see rotten Eggs thrown at their Coaches instead of the Pillory. Scarce had the Nightwalker spoke the last Word when the Hour began, and a whole Shoal of Creditors rushing in fell upon them. The Landlord seized the Beds and Hang for House Rent, the Upholsterer their  for the Hire of his Goods, till both with a hideous Noise sell soul of each other. At the same time a Broker puts in for his , The Wenches they Shreiked, calling them, Rude unmannerly Fellows, threatening what they would do, and swearing they would never put up such an Affront. The damned old Bawd blessed herself with both Hands, and roared as high as the loudest. In comes a Bully to one of the Jilts, and without ask Questions draws his Sword, and falls upon the Creditors, calling them Thiefs and Robbers. They drew, and in the Fray overturned and broke all the Goods in the Room. The Wenches ran to the Windows, crying, Help, Help, Murder, Murder. At this Summons up comes an Alguazil with all his Retinue, bidding them keep the King's Peace. The Broil grew hottest upon the Stairs, till out they rushed into the Street, some Wounded, others with their  rend. The Ruffian with a broken Head, but without Hat or Cloak, took sanctuary in a Church. The Alguazil entered the House, and seeing the old Woman, laid violent Hands on her, saying, Art thou here still, old Beelzebub, after having been thrice banished? Thou art the Ringleader of all this Mischief. Then seizing her with the young Fry, and securing all they had, he drove them away half Naked, with their Hair about their Ears, to Goal, all the Rabble attending and shouting, Away with the Whores.  

The Lawyer.  A Councillor at Law whose greatest Learning lay in his grizly Beard, like Sampson's Strength in his Hair, sat in a Room better furnished with Books than he was with Conscience. His whole Study was how to embroil his Clients, not to consult his Authors, and yet was so proud of his Library, that being a mere Ignoramus, it might truly be said, he knew not the value of it. He had gained a great Reputation by his Roaring Voice, his moving Gestures, and a wonderful fluency of Tongue, wherewith he bore down all other Lawyers. His Chamber could scarce contain his Clients, every one pressing forward to lay his Case open, and empty his Purse. All his Answers were: I am fully informed. I have Studied the Case. Your Right is undeniable. It agrees with the express Letter of the Law, It is as clear as the day. There is no difficulty in this Suit. It is a Case adjuged. The Law is directly on your side. It will easily be determined. The Judges are for us. Your Adversary has nothing to say for himself. All that has been done is void in itself. That judgement must be Reversed. Be Ruled by me. Some he ordered to Petition, others to Appeal, others to Demur, others to put in their Interrogatories, others to bring their Writ of Error, and others to Suborn fresh Witnesses. All that immense number of Volumes was turned over, and nothing resounded but an unintelligible confusion of Law Gibberish. The Councillor demanded his Fee, the Solicitor His due, the Attorney his Reward, the Clerk his Perquisites, and the Scrivener his Pay. Whilst they were in this Debate the Hour began, and the Clients unanimously, as if it had been one Man, cried out; Good, Mr. Sergeant, in all Suits the Adversary is the least of Evils, for he Sues at his own Cost, and you Plead for us at our own, and you, the Solicitor, the Clerk, and the Attorney, run away with our Money. The Adversary waits for Judgement, and pursues upon an Appeal, but you and your Adherents give a definitive Sentence in your own behalf. Our Suit may go for and against us, but in the following of it we must of necessity be cast four times a day, so that in the end we may obtain our Right, but have lost our Money. All those Authors cannot persuade us, but it is a madness to spend what we have, to get what another Man has, and perhaps be at last disappointed. We had rather have one Adversary than five, for supposing the Suit should go on our side, it will be when it has ruined us. Lawyers defend their Clients, as Seamen do their Ships in a Storm; throwing over all they have, that if it be Gods will they may be brought into their Port empty. The best Advice is to agree amongst car selves, for by agreeing we shall save what you take from us. We are all going to Compound pound with our Adversaries. Your best Revenues arise out of our Obstinacy, and if we by Compounding should lose all we sued for, at least we shall gain all that you lose. We would advise you to put a Bill upon your Door, for we think it better to spend our Money upon Whores than Lawyers; and for your part, since your only Business has been to set Men together by the Ears, it will be your best course to turn Soldiers or Statesmen.  

The Vintners.  The Vintners, a perverse Generation, who raise the Price of their Wine, at the same rate that they Brew, Water and Debase it, selling the Rain disguised and discoloured with Sloes, and the Dregs of their Hogsheads, for the Juice of the Grape, were met in a Tavern to the number of 6 or 7, with as many Bullies and Highwaymen, and a Quorum of Draggle-Tail Jilts newly whipped out of Bridewell, who Danced themselves Dry, and Drank to Dance again. The Bumpers flew about like Lightning, to the Tune of Three in a Hand. Delicate Wine, quoth one of the Sparks, perceiving the Cheat, and winking upon the Knave that was to Pledge him. The other, who feared it would breed Frogs in his Belly, rather than fend Fumes into his Brain, replied, This is truly a Rich Wine, and we Poor Rogues, for the Waters belong to the Rich and not to the Poor. The Vintner hearing their Flouts, called them Sots, bidding them Drink and hold their Peace. Drink and Swim you should have said, replied one of the good Fellows. This minute began the Hour, and the whole Company growing Mutinous, threw the Pots and Glasses at the Vintner, crying, Inhuman Water-seller, we are more like Drowned Rats than Drunkards, thou makest us pay by the Quart for the River Water thou bringest in by the Hogshead, and would put the Fox upon us when thou hast made mere Geese of us. We should wear Jack-boots to drink in your House, that we might keep the Water from our Legs. The Vintner having nothing to say for himself, cried, Water, Water, as if his House had been afire, and rolling his Hogsheads into the Street, knocked out the Heads of them, letting the Liquor run down the Channel.  

Pretenders to an Employment.  A Swarm of 32 Candidates, all aiming at one Employment, were waiting to speak witn the Nobleman in whose Gift it was. Each of them fancied himself as deserving, as the rest unworthy of it. Every one blessed himself and admired at the Madness and Impudence of the rest, for pretending to what he imagined to be due to him alone. They beheld one another with Evil Eyes, and Hearts full of Malice, and Meditated how to Slander and Defame. Their Looks were Sour and Starched, but their Joints in continual Motion. Every time the Door creaked they made a thousand Bows on all Hands, and as many Submissive Grimaces. Not so much as a Page could pass by without a Loving Salute and kind Look. The Secretary happening to rush through the Room, their Submissions were so profound, as if they would have kissed the Ground he trod on. He casting a Glance like a Shamefaced Girl, pressed through, saying, Excuse me, Gentlemen, I am now in haste. The Nobleman called for his Desk, and sat to Dispatch Business, when upon a false alarm thinking themselves summoned to appear, one of the Candidates cries, It is I, another, I come, and others, Here I am, crowding themselves to death against the Door. The poor Lord understanding what a Peal of Petitions attended him, knew not which way to turn himself. He silently cursed himself, saying, It was one of the greatest Blessings in the World to have to give, provided there were none to ask; and that Favours, that they might not be a plague to him that bestows them, aught to be freely offered, and never sued for. The Dunners impatient of delay, wasted inwardly, considering there was but one Employment, and the Candidates were many. They Calculated the Account Arithmetically, dividing one betwixt 32, and then says they, What comes to every Man's share? Then would they have substracted 32 from one, but that could not be, therefore every Man supposed himself that one, and applied, it cannot be to all the rest. The Lord considered, he could please but one, and must disoblige 31, however to be rid of them, he resolved they should be admitted, and in order to it put on a stern Countenance, and looked like a Statue, that he might appear with more Majesty. In they rushed in a Crowd, and he perceiving they would all Tongue-pad him at once, said; There is but one Employment, and you are a Number, I would gladly bestow the place upon one, and stisfie you all, As he had dropped the last Word the Hour commenced, and the Lord bestowing the Employment upon one, entailed the Reversion of it upon them all one after another, World without end. The wretched Presumptive Heirs, began to wish one another dead, praying for Pleurisies, Asthmas, Consumptions, Plagues, Apoplexes, Fluxes, sudden Deaths, and all manner of Disasters. Scarce Were two Minutes passed since the Entail, when every Man thought his Predecessor had lived to the Age of Methusalem; and though the, Tenth Man computed his turn could not come till 500 years after, yet every Man was pleased to wait the death of his Predecessor. Only the 31th finding by his reckoning that his turn fell out exactly with the end of the World, and after the coming of Antichrist, said; My Possession and the general Conflagration hit exactly together, I shall make a fine Business of my Employment; when I am burnt the day of Judgement, who will oblige the Dead to pay me my Wages? For my part, I wish the 30th Successor a long Life, for when the Employment comes to him, the World will be at the last gasp. The Lord left them striving to outlive and destroy one another, and went himself away in a passion to see them protracting their Ages beyond Doomsday, and even coping with Eternity. He that had carried the Employment stood amazed to consider what a long succession of Heirs he had got, and at last slunk away, resolving to eat light Suppers, and prevent taking Cold. The rest looked upon one another as so many mutual Plagues, and reciprocally cursing their Lives, each fancied Diseases in the other, and added to the number of his years, every Successor threatening his Forerunner with Death, giving him over as a gone Man, and wishing him in the Hands of Physicians; which is the same as to be delivered up to the Hangman.  

Mumpers that borrow, never to pay.  A sort of Men that borrow after the manner of the day that is past, never to return again, who snap at a Purse as a Spider does at a Fly that's entangled in her Web, lie tumbling in Bed till the Evening for want of Rags to cover their Nakedness. Among them they had laid out Half a Crown they had Mumped, in Wafers, Ink, Pens and Paper, all which they had consumed in begging Letters all to the same effect, expressing how urgent the Occasion was, their Reputation lying at stake, and even their Life, with Assurances of a speedy Return, and Professions of Eternal Acknowledgement. However in case they should not meet with Money, they concluded with the Ne plus Ultra of impudent Beggary, desiring in case there was no ready Cash, they would be pleased to send them something of value to pawn, which should be most carefully secured. By way of Postscript they begged Pardon for the Boldness, protesting they would not be so free with any other Person. They had drawn about an Hundred of these Notes to be dispersed in all the Corners of the Town, whither they were conveyed by one of the Fraternity, a notable Spunger that had a Tongue well hung, and with his grave Beard and long Cloak not a little resembled a well traveled Mountebank. The Herd of Letter Beggars remained computing how much Money the Messenger would bring, and a cursed noise there was about the Sum. Nor did it stop here, for they wrangled about the laying it out, and having given one another the Lie, at last they leapt out of their Beds, with such Fragments of Shirts that there was no occasion to take them up to discover their Lower Parts. In came their Mumping Post with an Air that spoke no Relief; both his Hands were at liberty, and his Arms open, which foreboded Emptiness. All that appeared was a great Bundle of Notes. They all stood amazed, seeing their Contrivance had ended in empty Answers, and in a doleful Tone said, What have we got? No Money, (replied the poor Scoundrel) you may divert yourselves with Reading, since you have no occasion of Telling. They began to open the Notes. The first was to this Effect; I was never so much concerned at any thing in all my Life, as my not being at present in a condition to serve you in a matter of so little value. He might have served me (quoth the Reader) and have had more cause to be concerned. The Second Note; Sir, had I received yours yesterday, I could have obliged you, and been proud of the Occasion. A Curse of yesterday, (says he) that is the daily Plague of all Mumpers. The Third Note; It is such a miserable time. O Damned Almanac-maker, (cries the Shark) we ask for Money, and you tell us what Wether it is. The Fourth Note; Sir, your want cannot be so grievons to you, as to me it is that I cannot relieve you. Who the Devil told you so (exclaims the poor Wretch) dost thou pretend to Divination thou Miser, and Prophecy when you ought to give. No more reading (they all cried) and making a Hellish Charm they added; It is now night, to make up what has been expended let us gnaw the Wafers of the Letters for our Supper, and sell these and two other Parcels of Notes we have by us to the Confectioner, who will give at least four Royals for them to Paper up Comfits, wrap Sugar, and lay under Biscuits in the Oven. Says the Letter-Carrier, This Trade of Borrowing has been out of the World these ten years. A Man had better give what he asks, than endure the Gestures and Scurvy Looks of those he Accosts; and if you calculate the whole, the Expense of Paper and Shoes is greater than the Profit, your only way is to look cut sharp. In this posture were the Paper-Mumpers when the Hour began, and the lightest of Equipage said; We are very Ceremonious with other men's Money, and if we expect it should fly in at our Windows we may die in a Ditch. Rhetoric is no good Picklock, and fine Words reach the Ears, but not the Pockets, to listen to one that begs is the Devil. It is much easier to take than to ask. When all Men board, it is no time to wait their generosity. Our business is to steal bare-faced, and with consideration, that is, considering we must steal in such manner, that there may be enough for the Accuser, for the Glerk; for the Constable, for the Attorney, for the Solicitor, for the Councillor, for the Jailor, for the Judge, and for ourselves, for when what is stolen ends, the Hangman gins. My Friends, if they banish us, it is better than that they should bury us; if they Pillory us, it breaks no Bones, and as for the shame of it, none of our Spectators have any; if they whip us, we may be content, for Beggars must not be Choosers, and at least we shall have the satisfaction of hearing our white Skins commended, and as soon as the show is over, the Doublet bides the Lashes. If they put us upon the Rack we are in no danger, for all they endeavour is to make us speak the truth, which we never do, therefore let us be like the Tailors, and we are safe enough, To be sent to the Galleys is only going into the King's Service with a 
The Galley Slaves have always their Heads Shaved.  bald Pate, and Galley Slaves serve only to supply the want of Sails. If they shall Hang us, Which is the utmost extremity, that day twelvemonth Will be a year, and every Man that is Hanged honours his Parents, for though he be never so mean a Scoundrel, the Blockheads of the Spectators say, He is very well born, and of a good Family. Nay, if it were only for the pleasure of chousing the Doctor and Apothecary at ones death, a Man might be well enough pleased to die of the Hempen Disease. Gentlemen, mind your Hits. Scarce were the last Words out of his Mouth, when wrapping the Sheets about them, and swallawing the Oil that was in a Lamp, they let themselves out of the Window with a Blanket into the Street, and away they all scoured to search Chests, Pick Locks, and Dive into Pockets.  

Ruffians and physicians.  Two Ruffians were brought to the Gallows for half a dozen Murders. One of them had already taken his swing, and the other was mounted on the Ladder with the Hangman astride over his Shoulders. Among the Crowd of Spectators two Physicians riding after Fevers and Plagues, made a halt, and beholding the Criminals began to weep like Children with such a Deluge of Tears, that the People about them asked, Whether those that suffered were their Sons. They answered, They did not know them, but wept to see Men die without paying any thing to the Faculty. That moment began the Hour, and the Criminal spying the Doctors said, Gentlemen of the Faculty, here is room for you if you please, for you have killed enough to deserve my place, and your skill in dispatching Men renders you worthy of the Hangman's. Galen and Hypocrates must not send all to the Grave, Hemp is as effectual as an Aphorism. Those Mules that carry you about to commit so many Murders, are no better than Ladders to mount you to the Gallows. This is a time to speak truth, had I used the Recipe instead of the Dagger, I had not come to this end, though I had massacred all the Spectator's. I beg a dozen Masses for my Soul, which you may easily foist into one of the Wills you forward.  
A lean ragged Chemist, 
The Chemist.  who looked as if he had extracted the Juice out of his Flesh, and calcined his , had wheedled a Miser to give Ear to him, as he stood at a Fellow's Door that sold Charcoal, and was telling him, I am a Natural Philosopher, and by the Grace of God a Chemist. I have found the Philosopher's Stone, which is a Medicine of Life, and produces a transcendent Transmutation infinitely multiplicable; for with the Powder of this Stone by Projection, I turn into the purest and most refined Gold Quicqsilver, Iron, Led, Tin, and Silver. I can make Gold of Grass, Eggshells, Hair, Blood, Piss, and of the very Dirt. This I can do in a few days, and with small Expense. I dare not discover myself to any body, because, if the King should hear of it, he would clap me into Gaol to save India Voyages, and the trouble of digging in the Mines. I know you to be a Person of Discretion, Quality and Worth, and therefore have resolved to trust you with a Secret of such importance and so admirable, that in a few days it will make you Master of many Millions. The Miser listened to him with a greedy Ear, and so wrapped in Contemplation of the Millions, that his Fingers wagged for eagerness of telling them. His Avarice could not contain itself within bounds, but gushed out at his Eyes, and he had in his imagination already converted his Frying-pans', Spits, Kettles, and Candlesticks into Bars of Gold. He asked, what would be the Charge of the Operation; The Chemist replied, Little or nothing, for 50 Crowns was enough to convert all the World into Gold and Silver, because the greatest Expense would be in Lymbecks and Crucibles, for the Elixir, which is the vivifying Spirit of Gold, would cost nothing, and might be had gratis every where; neither should a Farthing be spent in Charcoal, because he sublimated, digested, separated, rectified, and circulated all with Lime, and Dung. The Coal man was, listening to this Tale of a Tub, fretting to hear him say he would use no Charcoal, but just then began the Hour, and the Coal-man well powdered with Charcoal Dust, and smelling of the Devil's Perfume, falls upon the Chemist, saying, Thou Vagabond, Scoundrel, Rascal, why dost thou feed up that honest Man with imaginary Gold? The Chemist in a fury gave him the Lie, which the Coalman so readily answered with a Cuff, it was scarce discernible which was first. They both fell to Loggerheads, and in a trice, the Chymist's battered. Nose ran like a Lymbeck. The Miser could not part them, not daring to meddle because of the Dust and Smoot. They stuck so close to one another, it was impossible to discern which was the Coalman, or who had smooted the other. At length they were parted by the People that passed by, but in such a condition, they looked as if they had been rolled in Lamblack, and trimmed with Snuffs of Candles. Says the Charcoal-man, This poor Devil tells thee he'll make Gold of Dirt and old Iron, and at the same time his  are all in tatters, and he looks as if he had been robbing the Ragwoman. I know these Fellows, for one of them cheated a Neighbour of mine, and made him lay out at my own House at least a thousand Crowns in Coals only, and that in the space of two months, telling him he would make Gold, and he only made Smoke and Ashes, but at last ran away with all he had. But I (quoth the Chemist) will perform what I undertake, and since you make Gold and Silver of Coals, and of the Stones, Dirt and Rubbish you throw among them, and of the Cheats of your Weight, why may not I with my Art, and the Assistance of Rualdus, Geber, Avicen, Morienus, Hermes, Vulstadius, Crolius, Libavius, and Hermes 's Smaragdine Table, make Gold as well as you. The Charcoal-man in a Fume replied, Because all those Authors make you mad, and you make him that believes you a Beggar. I sell Coals, and you burn them, which is the reason I convert them into Gold and Silver, and you turn them into Soot. The true Philosopher's Stone is to buy cheap and sell dear, and a Pox on all your Catalogue of hard Names. I declare, I would with more satisfaction freely give my Coals to burn you with all your Papers, than sell them for ready Money. As for you, Sir, you make account, that this day you became Master of your Money, and if you desire to increase it, Trade is the only thing that multiplies Coin, and makes one Pistol in a month produce another. But if you are weary of your Bags, empty them into a House of Office, and whensoever you repent you may take them out with more ease and cleanness, than ever you will recover them from the Bellows and Distillations of this miserable Wretch, who being himself a mere Ragamuffin, pretends to out do, the Treasures of India, and defy the Mines of Potosi.  

The French Pedlars, and Proud Spaniard.  Three Frenchmen were travelling into Spain over the mountains of Biscay; one of them trundled before him a Wheel with the implements for grinding Knives and Scissors; another carried before and behind two great farthels of Bellows and Mousetrap, and the third had a Box of Combs and Pins. A Poor Spaniard who was travelling into France a Foot with his Cloak on his Shoulder, met them about half way in the ascent of a scraggy steep hill. They sat down to rest in the Shade and began to confer notes. The Spaniard being asked, whether he traveled, Answered, He was going to France, being fled from Justice for some unlucky pranks; that thence he would go into Flanders to appease the Judges, and gain Honour in his King's Service, because a Spaniard out of his own Country could not serve any other Master. Being again asked, how it came he had no Trade or Handicraft to maintain him in that long Journey. He replied, The Spaniards had no Trade but War, that those who were poor and honest borrowed or begged by the way, and those that were not so, Rob, as they did in all other Countries. Moreover, he said, He admired they traveled from France through strange Countries and desolate Mountains with their goods, being always in danger of falling into the hands of Highwaymen. He desired they would inform him what moved them to leave their Country, and what profit they could propose to themselves in that lumber they were loaded with, which at a distance made them look frightful, and put Travellers into a quandary to determine what they were. The Grinder who stammered the best Spanish of the three, said, We are Gentlemen disgusted at the King of France, and have lost our Fortunes by being Malcontents, but I have made three Journeys into Spain, where with this Wheel and these Stones I have gathered many Spanish Pistols, which you call Doblones. The Spaniard with a sour look replied, Much good may do the King of France with his faculty of curing the Evil, if he suffers Grinders and Pedlars to be Malcontents. Quoth the Grinder, You ought to look upon us Grinders as a Land-Fleet, for with these Stones we sharpers and wear away your bars of Gold more than your Knives and Scissors; take notice of this cracked pot that drivels out the Water; this serves us to convey home our Plate, without being exposed to the Troubles of the Sea, and Dangers of Storms; these Wheels instead of Sails carry us into all parts, and being dispersed through all Countries with our Grind-stones, Combs and Pins, we gently draw after us the Revenues of your Indian Mines; and you may be assured it is no small Treasure that France catches in its Mousetraps, and sucks in with its Bellows. Swoons (saith the Spaniard) though I knew not all this, yet I could easily perceive your Bellows blew away our Money, and your Traps increased your Stock, but diminished not our Mice; and I have observed, that ever since you sell Bellows, we spend more Coals, and our Pots boil never the better; that since you bring us Traps, we are devoured by Traps and Mice; that since you grind, all our Tools rust, wear, notch, and grow dull; and that in grinding our Knives you spoil them, that we may have occasion to buy more of you. I am now convinced you Frenchmen are the Lice that devour all parts of Spain; that you by't us with the Teeth of your Combs, and grind us with your Stones; nor do I think that scratching is any remedy against this itching, but that it increases it, and makes us tear our selves to pieces with our own Fingers. I hope in God I shall soon return, and then will make it known there is no remedy against this itch, but picking you out, and pressing you to death. What shall I say of your Combs, but that they have made it fashionable to be bald, by wearing all the Hair off of our Heads. I will make the Spaniards more cheerly of their Mice, their Dandruff, and their Rust, that you may go to Hell to vend your Combs, Bellows, and Mousetrap. At this moment began the Hour, and the Spaniard foaming with Passion, said, The Devil is at my Elbow, tempting me to Murder you all, and make these Mountains as famous as formerly Roncesvalles, for the overthrow of Charlemaign. The Pedlars seeing him change Colour, and Rave, risen up gambling amain, crying, Mon Dieu, and calling him Coquin. In an ill hour did they name it, for the Spaniard drawing his Dagger, and running at the Grinder, made him quit his Wheel, which receiving the Stroke, tumbled down the Rocks, and was beaten to shivers. Mean while the Trap Merchant threw a Pair of Bellows at him, but he falling on with his Dagger cut all the rest, and clove the Traps. The Comb Pedler laying down his Box, began to throw Stones, the other two followed his Example. All three plied the Spaniard, and he answered them all, there being such plenty of that sort of Ammunition in the place that they stumbled upon it. The Frenchmen kept their distance for fear of the Dagger. The Spaniard guarded himself with his Cloak, and giving a Kick to the Pinbox, it tumbled down the Rocks, and flew open, strewing the Mountain with Pins and Combs; he seeing the Merchandise confounded, cried out; I have already begun to do my King good service; and seeing some Passengers on Mules come up and part them, desired they would give him a Certificate of the Victory he had obtained over the Vermin that infested Spain. The Passengers laughed, understanding the cause of the Fray, and carrying away the Spaniard behind one of them, left the Frenchmen busy stopping the Holes in the Bellows, patching together the Mousetraps, mending the Wheel, and picking up the Pins that were scattered about the Cliffs. The Spaniard being at a good distance, cried out to them; If you were Malcontents in your own Country, ye Scoundrels, thank me for making you so in mine.  

Italy Dancing on the Rope, France and Spain watching to catch her if she falls.  Italy once the Mistress of the World, and now only retaining the Memory of its former Grandeur, seeing its vast Monarchy cut out into so many Parcels, to enlarge the Dominions of several Princes, and its Territories rend asunder to patch up many scattered States, was now at length convinced how easy it was for others to take from her all that she alone had with wonderful felicity taken from them all. Now therefore finding herself poor, and extremely light, as being eased of the Burden of many Provinces, she resolved to turn Rope-Dancer; and for want of Ground to walk upon, exercised herself upon the Sreight Rope, to the astonishment of the whole World. She fixed the ends of her Rope, the one at Rome, and the other at Savoy. France and Spain were the Spectators. The two Kings kept a watchful Eye upon her, observing to which side she inclined as she Danced, each striving to be ready to catch her if she fell. Italy perceiving what they aimed at, laid hold of the Republic of Venice, and grasping it with both Hands as a Pole to poise her, leaped and skipped at a wonderful rate; sometimes making as if she would fall to one side, and sometimes to the other, diverting herself with the eagerness of both Parties stretching out their Arms to catch her, and surprising others with her Skill in recovering herself, and deceiving them both. As they stood thus upon the catch, the Hour began, and the King of France seeing no probability of laying hold on her, began to loosen the end of the Rope which was fix't in Savoy, that she might come tumbling towards him. The Spanish Monarch perceiving it, clapped in the State of Milan and Kingdoms of Naples and Sicily as Supporters. Italy skipping in the Air, discovered that Vevice, which she used as a Pole to poise, at the same time, crucified her, and therefore casting it from her, and laying hold of the Rope, she said; So much for Rope-Dancing, for it is not for me to rise high, when the Looker's on wish I may fall, and the Pole that should poise crucifies me. Then suspecting the support of Savoy, she betook herself to Rome, saying, Since all are for seizing me, I'll take sanctuary in the Church, where; if I chance to fall, I shall not want some body to absolve me.  

The Kingdom of Naples, and Duke of Osuna  The Neapolitan Courser, from whom some have stolen his Oats, and others drawn away his Hay, while some strove to make of him a Gelding, others a Mare, and others a Post-Horse, perceiving, that whilst he was in the keeping of that incomparable Viceroy and invincible Captain General the Duke of Osuna, he could cope with Bucephalus, his Furniture, being composed of the Treasures of Venice and Brindisi. That he had made him a Sea Horse by his many glorious Naval Victories; that he had turned him to Grass in Cyprus, and Watered him at Tenedos, when he dragged after him the mighty Ship Sultana from Thessalonica, for which Action Neptune owned him for his first begotten Son, brought forth in opposition to Minerva. He remembered that Great Duke had shod him with the Turkish Half Moons, and that kicking up his Heels he had dashed out the Teeth of the Venetian Lion at the prodigious Battle near Ragusa, where with only 15 Sail he defeated 80, obliging them shamefully to retire with the loss of many Galleys and Galleasses, and of the best of their Men. Calling to mind these Triumphs, and considering he had not now so much as a Horse-Cloth, but was gauled, and Snuffled because they had thrown Feathers into his Manger; and that he was now put to draw a Coach, having been once so Mettlesome, that die Frenchmen, though good Jockeys, could never sit him; The Miserable Condition he saw himself reduced to, drove him into a desperate Melancholy, and that into raving Madness, so that Neighing fiercely, and Breathing Fire, he thought to have imitated the Trojan Horse, and kicking and plunging to have overthrown the City. At the Noise, in came the Magistrates of Naples, who throwing one of their Gowns over his Head blinded him, then stroking and speaking him fair, they put on his Collar and Fetters; but as they were tying him to a Ring in the Stable, the Hour began. Two of them that were farthest off said; It was more convenient and cheaper to give the Courser at once to the Pope, than every year to send him a Nag with a Purse, for by their Malicious Eyes it might be judged the Pope's Nephews would some time overlook him. The others surprised at this Motion, answered; That the King of Spain had secured him against that Distemper, by placing three Castles on his Forehead as a Spell, and that they would sooner cut off his Legs, than see him serve like a Mule under long black Trappings resembling a Pall. The two first replied, They talked like Heretics in refusing to be Papists, and that no Saddle would fit the Courser like that of St. Peter. The others in a Passion said; That to prevent the Heretics making the Pope lose his Stirrups in that Saddle, it was convenient only the King of Spain should mount the Horse. Some were for the Mitre, others for the Crown, and Words passing, at last they came to Blows, so that a terrible Havoc had been among them, but that the Elect of the People came in in the Godspeed, and understanding the cause of the Quarrel said; This Horse, though hard Mouthed, has had many Masters, and for the most part has gone to them of his own accord, and not suffered himself to be led. It is requisite he be carefully looked after, for there are in Italy many afoot that look for Baggage Horses, and Jockeys ready Booted and Spurred, and the old Horse-stealer who catched him sometimes before, and has now got a back Door to the Stable. Neither is it convenient any French Groom should Curry him, for they tickle and do not make him slick, and pray look to the Monsieurs who wear the Canonical Robes that they may have the better opportunity to throw their Leg over him.  

The Czar of Moscovy consults about raising Taxes.  The Great Czar of Moscovy being exhausted by the continual Inroads of the Tartars, and frequent Encroachments of the Turks, found himself necessitated to impose new Taxes upon his Subjects. To this effect he summoned his Favourites, Servants, Ministers, Counsellors, and the Commons of his Court, and spoke to them to this effect; That they could not but be sensible of the great Expense he was at in maintaining an Army to protect them against the Malice of their Neighbouring Enemies; That no State could subsist without Taxes; That those which were imposed in pressing Necessities were always just, and must be accounted no burden, being employed in the defence of those that pay them, who purchase their Security, Lives, and Estates, with that small Pittance, which in a moderate and well regulated Tax falls to every Man's share to be disbursed; That he had assembled them to consult their own conveniency, and therefore expected their Answer would be suitable to their Common Interest. The first that spoke were his Creatures and Ministers, saying; The Proposition was so good and just, it carried along with it its answer and concession; That all was due to the support of the Prince and Defence of the Country, and therefore he might contrive according to his pleasure, to lay whatever Taxes he thought fit upon his Subjects, because all that they paid was for their own Interest and Security; and consequently the greater the Burdens he laid upon them, the more he would convince them of the confidence he reposed in their Loyalty, and the greater would be their Honour. The Czar heard them with satisfaction, but not without some mistrust, and therefore ordered the Commons to answer for themselves. They, whilst the Courtiers Harangued, had privately whispered about, and pitched upon one to be their Speaker, and deliver their Sentiments. He haying taken a convenient place, said; Great Sir, your Dutiful Subjects, whose Mouth I am, render you their most humble Thanks for your Care in Protecting and Defending them; They yield a blind Obedience to your Will, and wholly submit themselves to your Pleasure, as becomes a People born under your Jurisdiction, who have engrafted in them an hereditary Love and Reverence for you, and they beg Leave to put you in mind 〈◊〉 is their Glory, they have made this appear during your whole Reign, which God long continue over us; They are sensible you make their Protection your Care, and that it is that which makes yond descend from being a Sovereign over 〈◊〉 and their Fortunes to become a Father to every one, a Testimony of your Goodness which they infinitely value; They are not ignorant of the many pressing and unexpected Aceidents which bring upon you unavoidable Expenses, not to be spared with Honour to you or Safety to them, and they are convinced you are too far exhausted to defray them. I, in the Name of all your Subjects, do freely offer all they possess without reserving any thing, but must also offer two things to your Consideration. The one is, That if you now take all your Subjects have, you will drain that Source which is always to supply you and your Heirs; and if you undo them, you do that which you fear your Enemies should do, and the Consequence is so much the more fatal to you, by how much their being ruined by the Enemy is dubious, and by you certain; and they who advise you to destroy yourself, to prevent being destroyed, are rather Pensioners to the Enemy, than faithful Councillors to you. Remember the Countryman (in Aesop) to whom Jove gave a Hen that every day laid an Egg of Gold for his maintenance; He suffering himself to be deluded by avarice, fancied, that a Fowl that laid every day a Golden Egg must have rich Mines of that Metal within her, and therefore thought it better to seize all at once, than receive it by little and little. The Gods having so ordered it, he killed the Hen, and was left without the Treasure or the Egg. Do not you, Great Sir, verify this Fable of the Philosopher, for if you do, you will become a Fable to your People. A Prince of a poor People, is rather a Poor Man, or Poverty itself, than a Prince. He who enriches his Subjects has as many Treasures as he has Subjects, He who empoverishes them has so many Hospitals, he has as many Terrors as Men, and fewer Men than Enemies. Riches may be forsaken at any time, but Poverty cannot. We seldom endeavour to quit the former, but always the latter. The other thing I offer to your Consideration is, That your present Wants proceed from two Causes. One, the immense Frauds and Depredations of those about you. The other, the present extraordinary Emergencies. There is no doubt but the first named is the foremost as to time, and whether it be not the greatest, belongs to you to examine. Divide therefore the Supply you require as you shall think fit, laying one part on those who have made a property of your Revenues, and the other as a Tax upon your Subjects, and then none but a Traitor can complain. Thus had he spoke when, the Hour began, and the Czar rising up said; Let them that have taken it from me restore what is wanting of what I had, and what is wanting after that let my People pay; and that this may not be delayed, all you and your Friends, who at a distance like Sponges have sucked my Revenue, shall be left as you were when you came to my Service, only allowing your Salaries. So great and universal was the Joy of the Commons hearing this just Decree of the Czar; that they unanimously gave him the Title of Augustus, and kneeling before him said; As an Acknowledgement we agree to pay whatsoever you shall impose upon us, and that done will of our own accord double the Sum, and ordain, that this Free Offering may remain as a perpetual Duty payable every time you shall resume what has been taken from you, whereby it will come to pass that Covetous Men will be afraid to receive what you freely give them.  

The Dutch their Rise and Growth.  The Hollanders, who are beholding to the Sea for the Ground they live on, which is only some scraps of Land they have stolen from it, under the shelter of heaps of Clay they call Dykes; having quelled their intestine Broils by an universal Trade, after they had surreptitiously erected themselves into a Free State, and extended their Territories by Treachery, pretending to be the first-begotten of the Ocean, and conceiting, that the Sea, which gave them the Land it once covered for their Habitation, would not refuse them that which compasses it, having covered it with Ships and Peopled it with Pirates, resolved at once in several places to encroach upon the East and West. They go to our Fleets for Gold and Silver, as our Fleets go for it to the Indies. They look upon it as the cheaper and shorter way to take it from those that bring it, than from the Earth that produces it. The negligence of an Admiral, or the favour of a Storm, furnish them, with Plate at an easier rate than the Mines could do. In these Undertake they have been forwarded, favoured and assisted by all the Princes of Europe, who behold the Grandeur of the Spanish Monarchy with envious Eyes. Encouraged by these powerful Supports, they have established a Trade in India, settled Commerce in Japan, and still persisting after many Disappointments, have at length possessed themselves of the best part of Brazil, 
* This was writ before the conclusion of the Peace betwixt Spain and Holland, when the Dutch stood possessed of a great part of Brazil, and invaded the Portuguese Conquests in India.  where they have not only the power of Government, but the Profit of the Sugar and Tobacco, which enriches them and beggars us. In this place, which is the inlet to the East and West-Indies, they reside like Cormorants, ready to swallow Ships and whole Fleets, alarming Peru and Potosi; for that it appears by Geography, that they may gradually, without wetting their Feet, steal to those Mountains, if weary of the Sea, they should think much to creep along the Coast down to Rio de la Plata, and Buenos Ayres, and to secure to themselves the straits of Magellan. That World Devouring Assembly sat consulting over a Terrestrial Globe, and Sea Chartley, with a pair of Compasses, leaping over Climes and Countries, and making choice of Provinces that were none of their own, and among them the Pensioner with a Pair of Scissors in his Hand. ready to cut out the World according to his fancy. In this posture they were when the Hour began, and a decrepit Old Fellow snatching the Scissors out of his Hand, said; Gluttons, who are greedy of Provinces always die for want of Digestion, no Surfeit so dangerous as that of Dominion. The Romans, from a narrow spot of Ground too little to Sow half a Bushel of Corn, swallowed up all their Neighbours, and extending their Avarice brought the whole World under the Yoke of their first Plough; and it being certain, that whosoever pours himself out, wastes as much as he extends, so they no sooner had much to lose but they began to lose much; for Ambition gathers more than Force can preserve. Whilst they were poor they conquered the rich, who making them rich and being left poor, took to themselves the Customs inherent to Poverty, infesting them with those of Riches and Luxury, and by that means destroyed them, revenging themselves on them with the very Riches they gave them. The Assyrians, Greeks, and Romans are so many Skeletons to instruct us; it is fit for us to take warning by, than to imitate those ruined Monarchies. The more we raise our small Weight, and the nearer we bring it in the 
* The Stilyard, which weighs great or small things by putting forward or drawing back the weight upon the Beam.  Roman Balance of Power to the great Mass we would outweigh, the less we shall appear; but the more we draw it back, the better our small Portion will turn the vast weight that stands against it; and if we draw back to the last Notch, one Pound of ours will poise a thousand of theirs. Traiano Bocalini hinted at this Secret in the Weight of his Politic Touchstone, and it is verified in the Monarchy of Spain, from which we aim to draw away Weight, which added to ours will diminish it by the addition. Of Subjects to become a Free State was prodigious; to keep ourselves so, is a Work that requires all our application. France and England, which assisted us to cut off from Spain that part of its Dominion which was formidable to them, will not for the same reason permit us to swell to that greatness they may have cause to fear us. The Axe which joins to itself all it cuts off from the Tree, will not be esteemed a useful Instrument, but rather an Encumbrance. They will bear with us as long as they think we stand in need of them, but if once they imagine they can have occasion for us, they will meditate our Ruin and Destruction. He who sees a Beggar on whom he has bestowed Alms grown rich, either asks him to refund, or lend. We can gain nothing, but what the Princes who look on will covet for themselves. As they despise the Neighbour that is upon the losing, so they fear him that is upon the getting hand. We by dispersing act for the King of Spain against ourselves, for should be to divide and weaken us, wilfully lose the Countries we take from him, it were in him a Stratagem and no Loss, and he will never be so able to take what we have, as when he has suffered us to take what he has so far from him and us. Brazil rather sucks and unpeoples' Holland than strengthens it. It is enough for Thiefs not to restore what they have stolen, without continuing their Thefts for ever, which sooner prefers them to the Gallows than to the Throne. The Pensioner snatching back the Scissors in a Pet, said; Tho Rome lost itself, yet Venice holds out, and was at first but a Town-stealer as we are. The Gallows you speak of is oftener the Lot of the Unfortunate than of Robbers, and all the World over the great Thief hangs the little one. He that Picks a Pocket is ever a Thief, he that stole Provinces and Kingdoms was always a King, the Right of Monarches is in the longest Sword. It is natural for one to be engendered out of the Corruption of another, he that is Corrupted is the Cause of him that is Engendered. A Carcase complains not of the Worms that eat it, because it breeds them. Let every Man look to himself that he does not putrify, otherwise he will be Father to his own Worms. All things consume, but the small sooner than the greater. When it shall come to pass that they fear who pitied us, we will pity them we feared, which is a good exchange. If we can, let us be what they are, who were what we are. All the hints you have given are good, let not the Kings of France and England hear of them, but do you put us in mind hereafter, for that is an Obstacle in the beginning, which proves good Advice when well advanced.  

The Duke of Tuscany his Favourite's Advice.  The Great Duke of Tuscany, who by adding five Letters, which compose the Word Great, to his Title, has gained the ill will of all other Princes, was private in his Closet with a Servant whom he entrusted with his greatest Secrets. They discoursed of the Beauty of his Cities, the greatness of his Territories, the Trade of Leghorne, and the Victories obtained by his Galleys. From this they changed Subject, and fell upon the great Honour his Family had attained to, being Allied to most Monarches and Princes of Europe by its Matches with France, whereby the Kings of France, Spain, and Great-Britain, were by the Mother's side descended from it. Thus were they discoursing when the Hour began, and the Servant, as it were in a Prophetic Rapture, said; Sir, Your Highness of a Private Citizen was made a Prince: Memento, Homo: Whilst you were content to be a Prince, you was the richest among them, and now you look upon yourself as Father in Law of Kings, and Son in Law of Emperors, Pulvis es: and if you happen to be Father in Law to France, and the Cures of Matchmaking fall upon you, In pulverem reverteris. Your Country is Fruitful, your Cities Wealthy, your Ports full of Trade, your Galleys successful, your Alliances great, and on all these accounts your State is truly Regal; but this minute I have discovered in it such Stains as sully and lessen the value of it, which are these; The Remembrance the Subjects retain that once they were Equals; The Repubick of Luca which started up in the midst of us; The Garrisons the King of Spain has in Tuscany; And the addition of the Title Great to that of Duke, which all your Neighbour's envy. The Duke, who before had not reflected upon any of these things, said; What Method shall I use to take out these Stains? The Servant answered, They are so grounded in, it is impossible to take them out without cutting off the Piece, which is a Remedy worse than the Disease, because it is better to be Stained than Ragged. If the Stains I speak of be taken out with the Piece, your Highness will scarce have a Rag left, but will be rend to tatters. The nature of these Stains is, they are cleansed by sinking in deeper, and not by being taken out. Your Highness must make use of Fasting Spittle, and suck in by little and little, and what you now spend in Portions for Queens, lay it out in stopping the Eyes and Ears of those who observe you, that they way not perceive you suck.  

The State of Venice its Policy.  The most Serene Republic of Venice, which in regard of its great Wisdom and Prudence, is as it were the Brain of Europe where the Judgement resides, was assembled in full Senate. That Assembly was Composed of several Sounds, some more solid, others more quick, the common difference betwixt old and young, yet all Skilful, some by Experience, and others by Information, making together such a Harmony, that all the Princes in the World dance to their Music. The Doge Crowned Head of that powerful Free Nation sat on a high Throne with three Counsellors on each side; on his Right was one Chief of the quaranty, and on the left two; next these were the Secretaries who count the Balls, and in their places stood two Officers whose business it is to gather them The Silence was stupendious in so numerous an Assembly, and so far exceeded that of a Desert, it was hard to persuade the Eyes, but that the Audience was made up of Statues and not of Men, so very mute were the very Diseases in the old, and so bridled the fierceness of the young. At length the Doge broke the Silence with these Words; Malice brings Discord into the World, Double-Dealing continues it, and Dissimulation makes him that sows it beloved even by him that suffers by it. The Wars we have occasioned among our Friends, not those we have made with our Enemies, have given us Peace and Victory. We shall be free so long as we employ others in subduing one another. Our Light springs from Dissension, we are like the Spark that is produced from the collision of the Flint and Steel. The more Monarches batter one another, the more we shine. Italy, since the decay of the Empire, is like to a Rich and Beautiful Heiress, who, her Parents dying, was left to the Care of Guardians and trusties, and desires to be Married. But the trusties having divided her Fortune between themselves, and being loath to restore, and covetous to keep what they have, some of them misrepresents her to the King of Spain who courts her, and the others to the King of France who asks her in Marriage, at the same time finding those Faults in the Suitors which they see in themselves. These false trusties are the Princes of Italy, and among them it is not to be denied but that we also have seized a great part of her Fortune. The two Suitors now press hard to carry their Mistress. We have made use of the King of France to put by the Catholic King, who being so near a Neighbour in Naples and Milan, makes signs to her, and from his own Windows overlooks her. The most Christian King, who being at a distance could not gallant, nor so much as see her, and therefore made Love by Letter; now by the assistance of Savoy, Mantua, and Parma, and his approach to Pignerol, he Ogles and Courts her, and this obliges us to cheat him of her. This is easy to do, because there is less trouble in casting out the French, than in bringing them in; they expel others with their Fury, and themselves with their Haughtiness. However this Snare must be so laid, that at the same time we break the Match, we may receive Thanks for promoting it. The Most Christian King has bend his thoughts upon Lorraine, his Success in Germany is dubious, and Subjects poor, which things discourage his Partisans in Italy, so that we shall not find any great difficulty in attaining our ends, for his own Motions will disguise ours, and we need not raise Jealousies in those that have confided in him, since their repentance saves us that labour. It is my Opinion we shall subdue the King of France by encouraging him to go on in his great Undertake, and by heightening his credulity. Our utmost endeavours must be used to raise the Esteem he has of his Favourite, for this Man who takes from him all that he adds to himself, lessens him as he grows great. As long as the Subject has the ascendent over his King, and the King is subject to his Servant, the Subject will be hated as a Traitor, and the King undervalved as of a mean Spirit. The way to destroy a King publicly with safety is to stand up for his Favourite. I know not whether Ravilliac was more fatal to his Father than Richlieu has been to him. This I know, that betwixt them they have rob him of both Parents, the first of his Father, the second of his Mother. May Richlieu continue, for he is like a Disease which by continuance either consumes itself, or him that endures it. 
Lewis the 13th had at that time no Issue, and consequently it was supposed the Crown would devolve to his Brother, the Duke of Orelans▪  It is requisite we cast an Eye upon the Succession of the Crown of France, which is like to fall to the King's Brother, whose generous Nature we have reason to hope we may impose upon. He is like a Fire that may be blown away, yet kindles itself. He is disobliged at the Favours he receives, whereby he has offended the King of Spain, and sown the Seeds of Dissension, which we may improve to our benefit. France is dissatisfied at the Prime Minister's, pretending to be of the Blood Royal, which he claims by forged Genealogies, and is disgusted to see all Places of Profit and Trust in the Hands of his Kindred and Friends They remember the Beheading of Montmorency, and the Banishing so many great Men and they suspect that Violence and not Right will take place in the Succession to the Crown. The Affairs of Germany are past composing, the Palatin being dispossessed, the Duke of Lorraine outed, and the Duke of Saxony and other Protestants of the Empire conspiring against the House of Austria. Italy seems to despair of Peace by reason of the Garrisons the French have within it. The King of Spain has his hands full with the Dutch, who have taken what he had in Holland, and aim to rob him of what he has, being already possessed of the best part of Brasil, which furnishes their Fleets with the Trade of Sugar, Tobacco, and Brasil Wood, and having fortified themselves in one of the Leeward Islands. Besides all this he is engaged to support the Emperor and maintain the State of Milan against the French. We, like the Spring in a Striking Watch, must move these Hands every hour and every moment without being perceived, continually sounding abroad without ever turning back. Our Politics work like the Glass-makers, who blow things into form, and we sow Fire to produce Ice. Hither was he come when the Hour began, the wonderful influence whereof inspiring the Politic Brain of a Republican of the Capi-Duchi, made him Discourse to this effect. Venice is the very Figure and Resemblance of Pontius Pilate Probo. Pilate out of mere Policy condemned the Just and washed his Hands: Ergo. Pilate dismissed Barrabbas, who was Sedition itself, and apprehended Jesus that was Peace itself. Igitur. Pilate positively said, What I have written, I have written. Tenet consequentia. Pilate delivered the Peace and Safety of the World to Mutineers, to be crucified. Non potest negari. All the Assembly lifted a Cry, and fell into Confusion, the Doge ordered the Republican, Nemine contradicente, to be put into Irons, and that his Genealogy should be enquired into, for that it was visible he was some way defended from some body that depended on another, who was a Friend to some one that was acquainted with some Person that came from another that had something of a Spaniard.  

The Germans, Lutherans, and Calvinists.  The Heretical Germans, among whom there are as many Heresies as Men, who consume themselves in supporting the Tyranny of the Swedes, and the Treachery of the Electors of Saxony, and Brandenburg, and the Landtgrave of Hesse, perceiving themselves infected with the French Disease, resolved to cure themselves at once. Considering that the Salivation of so many past Calamities, nor the Flux they were put into at Norlinguen, nor the many Bleedings, Usque ad animi deliquium, of so many overthrows, had availed nothing, they gathered all the Physicians, Chemists and Mountebanks they could find, and having made known to them their Distemper, asked their Advice thereupon. Some were of Opinion, that the only Remedy was to Purge out the French Humours that were crept into their Bones. Others affirming the Distemper lay altogether in their Heads, prescribed Medicines to carry off the Humour, and discharge them of dull Notions, by the Help of Hypocrates his Tetragonum so much applauded by Galen, to which the smoke of Tobacco exactly answers. Others more Superstitious, and Magically inclined, affirmed it was no Natural Disease they were troubled with, but were exagitated by Evil Spirits, and that as Persons possessed they stood in need of Exorcisms. In the midst of the Learned Dispute the Hour began, and a Physician of Prague with an Audible Voice said; There is no Cure for this Disease of the Germans, because all their Maladies and Distempers are only to be Cured with a Regular Diet, and as long as Luther and Calvin keep their Taverns open, and they have thirstty Throats, and as long as they do not abstain from French Cooks Shops and Bawdy-houses, they will never be so temperate as they ought to be.  

The Grand S●gnior, the Advice given him 〈◊〉 a Spanish Morisco, ref●●●d by Sinon B●●●a.  The Grand Signior or Emperor of the Turks, a Monarch raised by the Forgeries and Deceit of Mahomet to a vast Dominion, summoned together all his Vissers, Bassa's, Beglerbegs, Generals, and other Eminent Men of his Mighty Port, all or most of them being Renegadoes, as also the Christian Captives, who lying in perpetual Slavery, suffer a lingering Death in the Seven Towers of Constantinople, without hope of Redemption by reason of the Pride of that Haughty Monarch, who looks upon it as a Diminution of his Grandeur to Ransom Slaves, and deems that Heavenly Virtue of Mercy as proper only to the the Vulgar. The Concourse was therefore extraordinary, and greater the Expectation of all Men, because there had been no Precedent of such an Assembly in the Memory of Man. The Grand Signior looking on it as too great a condescension that his Voice should be heard, or his Person seen by his Subjects, being seated on a lofty Throne behind a Curtain which allowed only some scant passage to the sight, made a sign to the Assembly to give Ear to what things one of the 
* The Moriscoes were the Race of the Moors in Spain, most whereof were counterfeit Christians, and conspired to bring in the Moors again, for which reason they were all expelled by King Philip III.  Moriscoes, who had been expelled Spain, offered to him by way of advice. The Morisco, after prostrating himself at the Emperor's Feet, sacrilegiously adoring, arose again and said: We the true and constant Mahometants, who through the course of a tedious Captivity in Spain, have for many years privately entertained in our Hearts the Law of the Prophet descended from Agar, humbly acknowledging the unparallelled goodness of the Almighty Monarch of the World, the Great Emperor of the Turks, in receiving us the miserable Relics of that Expulsioh, have resolved among ourselves to do his most Potent Majesty some considerable Service, which must be grounded on our Knowledge and Experience, having no Fortunes to offer, as being a Multitude stripped of all we possessed. To this effect, the first thing we propose is, That for the Honour of our Nation, and as a Reward to our invincible Generals and Commanders, in continuing the Memory of their Exploits, it is convenient, that after the manner of Greece, Rome, and Spain, Colleges and Universities be erected, and Rewards be assigned to Learning, for by it, after the Death of the Monarches, and Extirpation of the Monarchies, the Greek and Latin Languages still gloriously survive, and in them in spite of Death, do still flourish their Heroic Actions, Virtues and Names, being rescued from the Oblivion of the Grave by those Studies which enriched their Minds, and made their Nations cease to be Barbarous. The second Proposition is, That the Laws and Customs of the Romans be received, so far forth as they are not directly opposite to our Law; to the end that Policy may be advanced, Disorders suppressed, Virtue Rewarded, Vice punished, and the Distribution of Justice may be so established, that neither Affection, Malice, nor Bribery may have place, but a sure and universal Method be settled in all parts. The third is, That for our greater Benefit in Fight our crooked Cimiters be changed for Spanish Tucks, because they are more handy either to defend or offend, the great circular motion of cutting being saved by thrusting, by which means whenever we have come to Handy-blows with the Spaniards, we have sustained unspeakable Loss, that Nation exceeding all others in handling their Rapier and besides the Swords are lighter of carriage, and easier to wield. The fourth, That to preserve Health, and recover it when impaired, the use of Wine be by all means allowed, because moderately taken it is the best Vehicle of Nutriment, and most Efficacious Medicine. It is also a rich Fund to increase the Grand Signior's and his Subjects Revenues, there being several Liquors produced by the Grape which create a considerable Trade. Nay, it is more powerful and effectual than Opium to raise the Spirits and excite the Blood to bold Undertake. Neither ought the prohibition in our Law which has been already partly dispensed with, to be any hindrance, for a proper interpretation to our purpose may be found. For the putting all we have proposed in execution, we offer to furnish Schemes and Directors, who shall carry it on without any Charge or Trouble to the Public; and are assured it will add much to the grandeur and glory of all the Great Emperor of Constantinople 's Dominions. Scarce had he uttered the last Word, when Sinan Bassa, a Renegado, started up, foaming with rage, and said; If all the Devils in Hell had conspired against the Turkish Monarchy, they could not have invented four such cursed Plagues as have been proposed by this Morisco Dog, who among Christians was an ill Mahometan, and would be an ill Christian among the Turks. These Fellows would have rebelled in Spain, and here they would destroy us. The reason for expelling them there was not greater than this, it will be convenient we revenge ourselves on those who sent them among us by returning them back. Don John of Austria had not more destructive Designs against our Power, when at Lepanto opening the Veins of so many Janissaries, he caused the Fish to swim in Blood, and made a new Red Sea not inferior to the old. The Persian Green Turban doth not more maliciously aim at the overthrow of our Empire; Nor did D. Peter Giron Duke of Ossuna, and Viceroy of Naples and Sicily, with his Fleets and Land Forces, and Terror of his Name more fiercely endeavour to obliterate the Memory of our Half Moons, whose light he often sullied, when our Vessels scarce thought themselves secure of him at Pera and Constantinople, than thou infernal Dog with those four Proportions hast laboured to do. Hellhound, Monarchies are upheld by the same Arts that erect them. They have always been raised by Soldiers, and always corrupted by Pendants. King's hold their Dominions by the Sword, not by their Books. Army's gain and defend them, not Universities. Victories make them great and formidable, not Arguments. Battles bestow Kingdoms and Crowns, Learning Caps and Degrees. Whenever a State gins to assign Rewards for Learning, Dignities are conferred on Drones, Craft is honoured, Subtly exalted, and Favour Rewarded, and then the Conqueror depends on the Doctor, the Soldier on the Scholar, and the Sword on the Pen. The ignorance of the People is the greatest security of Princes, Learning which instructs makes them mutinous. Learned Subjects rather conspire than obey, rather examine their Sovereign than respect him. No sooner they understand, but they despise him. No sooner can they know what liberty is, than they desire it. They can judge whether he that Reigns is worthy to Rule, and then begin to Reign over the Prince. Learning is the cause that Peace is sought after, because it stands in need of it, and Peace that is sought after draws on the most dangerous War. No War is so destructive as that he endures who seems to covet Peace; The latter sues with Words and Embassies, and the former makes its advantage of the fear that appears in the Entreaties. When a Nation affects Scholars and Writers, Gooso Quills place of Swords and Muskets; Ink in writing is more meritorious than Blood spilt; a Sheet of Paper signed is of more force than Armour proof against Shot; and the Hand of a Coward by virtue of the Pen extracts from the Inkhorn Honours, Revenues, Titles, and Grandeur. Many Vile Wretches wear the Black Robe. Many raise Estates by their Writings, and many great Men are descended from Scribblers. Rome, when beginning in a small circumference, scarce big enough to sow two Bushels of Corn, it grew to a vast Commonwealth, used neither Doctors nor Books, but Soldiers and Weapons. All there was Violence and no Study, they ravished the Women they wanted, subdued what was near, and aimed at what was farther off. No sooner did Cicero, Brutus, Hortensius, and Caesar introduce Harangues and Declarations, than they began Seditions, and conspiring destroyed one another, and others themselves, and even the Commonwealth. The Emperors and the Empire were destroyed, and overthrow by the ambition of the Orators. Even among Birds only those suffer imprisonment in Cages which talk and sing, and the more perfectly they do it the closer they are kept. Then the Schools were made the Magazines against Arms, Orations sanctified Crimes and condemned Virtue, and whilst the Tongue reigned Triumphs were subject to the power of Words. The Greeks suffered by the same itch of Learning, they were proud of their Academies which vied with their Armies, and their Philosophers were a plague to their Generals. Wit became the Judger of Valour, and they grew rich in Books and poor in Triumphs. You say their Heroes still live in their famous Authors, and their Language still survives though their Monarchy be extinct. The same happens to a Dagger which wounds a Man, which continues when the Man is gone, and yet that is no satisfaction to the dead Man. It were better the Monarchy survived, though dumb and without a Language, than that the Language should last without a Monarchy. Greece and Rome are become Echoes, forming in the hollow emptiness of their Majesty, not whole sounds, but the very extremities of absent Words. Those very Authors that extolled them could allot themselves but so short a Life at the pleasure of the Reader, that in some it reaches only the Understanding, in others goes not beyond Curiosity. Spain, whose People in danger were always prodigal of Life, covetous of Death, and impatient of Age, when with unparallelled Resolution it raised its Head out of ruin, grew to a mighty Flame from scattered Embers, and became a prodigy from a Skeleton, rather attended to furnish Matter for Writing, than to Writ, and to deserve Praises than to Compose them. Their Drums and Trumpets spoke for them, and all their Speeches were repeated Huzza's before Battle. They furnished the World with Subject of Admiration under Viriatus and Sertorious; they gained glorious Victories for Hannibal; they obliged Caesar, who till then every where fought for Honour, to fight for his Life, and they exceeded Valour and Resolution itself at Numantia. Yet of these and many other their Brave Actions they writ nothing, all was Recorded by the Romans. Their Valour made use of Foreign Pens, they thought it enough for them to Act, and for the Latins to Write. As long as they knew not how to be Historians, they deserved t●●m. Artillery was not long since invented to take off Lives before secured by distance, to overthrow the strongest Walls, and to bestow Victories by aim, not by true Courage; but presently after was Printing invented in opposition to Cannon, it is, Metal against Metal, Ink against Powder, and Letters against Bullets. Wet Powder takes no effect, there is no doubt but it is moistened by the Ink that sends down Orders to provide and dispose it. There is no doubt but there is a scarcity of Lead to make Bullets, ever since it is consumed in casting of Letters. But it was Battles that gave us Empire, Soldiers gained the Victories, and the Victories the Rewards, which ought always to be bestowed on those who always made us Triumph. They who called Letters and Arms Sisters, knew nothing of their Pedigree, for no Families are less of Kin than Saying and Doing. The Steel is never joined to the Quill but to cut it, but the Quill with those very Wounds it receives from the Steel revenges itself. Most contemptible Morisco, it is our desire that among our Adversaries there be many Learned, and among us many Victorious, for it is Victory over our Enemies that we covet, and not their Practices. The second thing you propose, is to receive the Laws of the Romans, which if once you had compassed you had ruined all. Our whole Empire would run into confusion betwixt Plaintiffs and Defendants, and Inferior and Superior Judges, and the People would be all taken up in the Employments of Councillors, Solicitors, Attorneys, Clerks, Apparitors, Sergeants, and other Pependants of Courts. Thus War which now makes choice of Men will be forced to take up with the Refuse of the Embroilers of the Nation, and there will be more Suits, not because there will be more occasion, but because there will be more Laws. Following out own Methods, we enjoy as much Peace as we stand in need of, and as much War as we please to Make with our Neighbours. The Laws in themselves are just and good, but where there are Lawyers they are dull and senseless. This cannot be denied; since the Lawyers themselves own it as often as they impose what sense they please upon the Law, supposing of itself it has none. Every Judge affirms he is an interpreter of the Law, and by giving a meaning to it, supposes it has none. I for my part am a Renegado, and was a Christian, and do avouch as an Eye Witness, there is no Law either Civil or Rational but what has as many meanings as there are Lawyers, Commentators, or Judges, who give it so many that it proves at last to have none at all. When then there is no reason to dispossess a Man of his Estate, there never wants a Law, which being either strained, or ill interpreted, is ground enough for a Suit, and both the Plaintiff and Defendant are in the end Sufferers. Consider now what Two wholesome Propositions have been made by this thankful Morisco. The third thing is, that we should change our Cimiters for long Swords. In this particular, as there is no considerable ill cosequence to obstruct, so I can find no great advantage to encouraging us to put it in execution. The Half Moon is our distinctive Character, and that we always brandish in our Cimiters. To take up the Fashions and Customs of Enemies is a Ceremony proper to Slaves, and a Ga●● for Conquered People or at least it is an men or forerunner of both. If we are to be permanent, let us stick to the old Proverb, which, says, Let that ever be done, which was always done; for by keeping to it we shall be free from Novelties. Let the Christian thrust and the Turk hue, and let this Morisco expelled by the former be impaled by the latter. As to the fourth and last point, which relates to the use of Vineyards and Wine, let thirsty Souls agree about it with the Alcoran. No small toleration has been given in this case long ago. But I must observe, that if there be an universal Toleration of Wine and Taverns, it will only serve to enhance the price of Water, and to make us buy Rain by the Quart. My Opinion is therefore, weighing what has been proposed, that this Cur is a greater Enemy to those that harbour, than to those that expelled him. All the Assembly heard this Discourse with profound silence. The Morisco looked piteous, a cold sweat running down his Forehead. Then Hali, the Prime Visier, who stood next to the Curtain that was before the Grand Signior, after consulting his Looks, said; Christian Slaves, what say you to what you have heard? They seeing the blindness of that deluded Nation, and perceiving they loved their own barbarity, and placed their Security in Tyranny and Ignorance, abhorring the light of Learning, and the Justice of Laws, caused a Spanish Gentleman who had been 30 years in slavery, to answer for them all, which he did in these Words. We Spaniards shall not advise you to any thing that is for your good, because it would be a piece of Treachery against our Monarch, and an Offence against our Religion; neither will we deceive you, because we do not stand in need of frauds to defend ourselves against you; therefore we Christians have resolved thus silently to wait our doom. The Grand Signior influenced by the Hour, and drawing the Curtains before his Throne, (a thing never before seen) with an angry Voice, said; Let those Christians be set free, their generous goodness shall be their Ransom, Cloth and furnish them plentifully for their Voyage out of the Estates of the Moriscoes. And let that Dog be burnt alive for proposing of Innovations, and all that shall follow his Example shall suffer the like pain. It is my choice to be called Barbarous Conqueror, rather than be Learned and overthrown. All our knowledge must be to know how to overcome, for an ignorant People is the safety of a Tyrant. I command all here present to forget what they heard from this Morisco, the powers of the Soul shall obey my Orders, as well as the Corporal Senses, therefore let your Memories dread my Anger. Thus the Hour gave to every one what they deserved, the Barbarous Infidels were hardened in their Ignorance, the Christians obtained their Liberty, and the Morisco was punished.  

The Dutch Proposals to the Indians of Chile, and their Answer.  A Dutch Ship by stress of Wether was forced into one of the Ports of 
* Chile is the Coast of America on the South of Peru.  Chile. The Indians, guarded that Harbour, being a People who in that Harbour, being a People who in that Conquered World Manfully defended their Liberty, to the damnation of their Souls in their Idolatry, with Weapons in their Souls in their Hands attacked the Ships Crew, thinking they were Spaniards, whose Dominions enclosed them, and from whose Subjection they have still exempted themselves. The Captain pacified them, saying, They were Hollanders, and came as Ambassadors from that Commonwealth with a Message of importance to the Caciques and Chief Men. Then sweetening these Words with rich Wine brewed after the manner of the North, and mollifying them with Butter and other Rarities, they were admitted and caressed. The Indian who commanded gave an account to the Magistrates of the new People that was arrived, and of their Intentions. All the Principal Men and a great number of People assembled with their Weapons in their Hands. This Nation is so provident against Possibilities, and so jealous of Appearances, that they receive Ambassadors with the same precaution as they meet an Enemy's Army. The Captain of the Ship came before them, attended by 4 of his Men, and a Slave serving as an Interpreter; They asked of him, Who he was? Whence he came? To what purpose? And, From whom? He answered, not without some dread of the Warlike Audience. I am a Dutch Captain, and come from Holland, a Commonwealth in the West, to offer you our Friendship and Trade. We live in a Land which the Sea from above looks down upon with indignation to see it dry below its billows. We were not long since Subjects, and part of the Dominion of the Great Monarch of Spain and the New World, where only your Valour has exempted itself from his Crown, which like, the Sun extends its compass round the Earth. We gained our Liberty with immense labour, because the Severity of Ring Philip the Second preferred the Bloody Execution of 
* The Two Counts, Horn and Egmont.  two Noblemen, before the Sovereignty of so many Provinces. Revenge inflamed our Courage, and carrying on a War which lasted above 60 years without interruption, we have sacrificed Two Million of Men to those two Lives, and made the Fields of the Low-countrieses an universal Burial-place to all Europe. Our Success has made us absolute Masters of half those countries', and not so satisfied we have taken many strong Holds in the other Provinces, have gained large Dominions in the East, and in Brazil have Conquered Pernambuco and Paraiba, enriching ourselves with Brazil Wood, Tobacco, and Sugar; And to conclude, of Subjects that we were to the King of Spain, are become his most implacable Enemies. We have taken it into our Consideration, that the Spaniards have not only subdued these Provinces, but that in few years they have destroyed in them many Towns, peopling them again with Strangers, so that there scarce remains the Memory of the Natives in their Tombs, and that the mighty Emperors, Kings, Caziques, and other Princes, are so wholly extinct and buried in Oblivion as if they had never been. We perceive that you alone (either that you are Wiser, or warned by the Fate of others) maintain an Hereditary Liberty, and by your Valour the American Race is preserved from slavery. It is natural for every Creature to love its likeness, and since you and our Commonwealth so much resemble one another, it was decreed to send me through such vast Seas, and such dangerous distance, to tender you their sincere Amity and Friendship, and to offer not only for your Defence, but to promote your further Designs to furnish you with Ships, Cannon, Officers and Soldiers, who are such as are praised and admired by all by whom they are not feared. By way of Trade they offer you free Commerce in their Dominions, with a Brotherly and perpetual Alliance, desiring for themselves the freedom of your Ports, and the settlement of a League Offensive and Defensive upon equal Terms on both sides. And the more to express their Affection, by their great Interest they will secure you▪ the Friendship of many Kings, Princes and Commonwealths their Confederates. The Indians returned a courteous Answer, telling him, That to receive his Proposals it was enough to hear him, but in order to give their Answer they must consult in Counsel, and the next day at the same time would give him their Resolution. It was so agreed, and the Dutchman, knowing the Indians are naturally inclined to Toys and Curiosities, the better to gain their Affections he presented them with Barrels of Butter, Cheese, Casks of Wine, Swords, Hats, and Looking-glasses, and lastly a Telescope, highly extolling the use of it, saying, By the help of it they might see Ships at Ten or Twelve Leagues distance, and discover by their Colours whether they belonged to Friends or Enemies, that the same they might do by Land. He added, that with it they might find Stars in Heaven which they had never seen before, nor could not be discerned without it; That through it they might plainly discover th● spots in the Face of the Moon, which look like Eyes, and Mouth, and might perceive a black spot in the Circle of the Sun. That it wrought these Wonders by drawing with those two Glasses close to the Eyes things that were at a vast distance. The Principal Man among the Indians asked for it, and the Dutchman having opened it to the due distance, and instructed him how to use it, delivered it to him. He clapped his Right Eye to it, and levelling it towards the Mountains, set up a Cry that testified his Admiration to the rest, telling them, He had at four League's distance plainly seen Men, Beasts and Birds, and the Rocks and Shrubs, so near at hand that they seemed bigger than natural close, to the farthest Glass. Here the influence of the Hour affected them, and they having gabled in their Language some Discourses in appearances passionate, he that took the Glass holding it in his Left Hand directed his Discourse to the Dutchman in these Words. An Instrument that finds a Spot in the Sun, proves the Moon a Liar, and discovers what Heaven hides, is a mischievous Instrument, a Glass Pickthank, and cannot be grateful to Heaven. It's attracting things at a great distance, is a sufficient cause to raise a Jealousy in us who are far removed from you. With this doubtless it was you discovered us so remote, and through it we have descried the design you labour to hid under your Specious Offers. By this Artifice you pry into the Elements, and thrust yourselves into Sovereignty. You, as you say, live dry below the Water, and wrest your Land wrongfully from the Sea. We shall not be such Fools to take those for our Friends who could not be good Subjects, nor shall we trust them with our Habitations who have stolen theirs from the Fishes. You were Subjects of the Kings of Spain, and having usurped his Dominion, value yourselves upon being Rebels, and would have us through a fond credulity become a Prey to your Treachery. Neither is it true that we resemble you, for in maintaining that Native Country which Nature gave us, we only defend what is our own, we preserve our Liberty, but do not steal it. You offer to assist us against the King of Spain, yet confess at the same time you have taken Brazil from him, which was his; if you take the Indies from him who took them from us, how much more reason have we to be afraid of you than of him. You must observe that America is a rich Beautiful Harlot, and since she was false to her Husbands, she will never be true to her Bullies. Christians say Heaven punished the Indies because they adored Idols, and we Indians say, Heaven will punish the Christians because they adore the Indies. You think you carry Gold and Silver, and you only carry well coloured Envy and precious Misery. You take from us, that you may have for others to take from you. That which makes you our Enemies, makes you Enemies to one another. Be gone then within two hours out of this Port, and let us know if you want for any thing. If you have a mind to gain our good will, since you are so good at Invention, invent an Instrument to remove what is by us at a great distance, for we promise you we will never look upon your Country nor Spain with this that attracts things ●hat are far off. Carry away this Glass Spy, this Discoverer of the Firmament, for we have no need of it, being able with the help of our Eyes only to discover more in you than we like; and let me tell you, the Sun is beholding to it for showing you the black spot in his Circle, or else for the colour sake you would have endeavoured to cut out and stamp him into Money.  

The Blacks consult how to deliver themselves from Slavery.  The Blacks assembled in mighty numbers to consult about obtaining their Liberty, a thing they have often earnestly solicited. The numerous Concourse being seated and silent, one of the chiefest among them, who in that swarthy Audience appeared blacker than the rest, and had proposed this Affair in the Court of Rome, spoke to this purpose. There is no cause for our slavery but our colour, and colour is an accident, not a crime. Yet certain it is, those who Lord it over us have no colour for their Tyranny, but our colour, which is produced by the presence and nearness of the greatest Beauty, to wit, the Sun. Flocky Heads, and clotted Hair, squab N●ses, and Blubber Lips, are no better grounds for our Captivity. Many Whites might be Slaves if th●se three things carried is, and it were more reasonable they should be so who are hideous with their mighty N●ses like Rudders in their Faces, and sniule through Elephants Trunks, than we who have nothing to lose by the Pox, and are the very Opposites to the Snouts. Why do not the Whites consider, that if we look like Blots among them, one of them looks like a Stain among its. Did they make Slaves of the Mulattoes, it were more excusable, for they are a Rabble without a King, a Compound betwixt Light and Darkness, Wainscot Paces compared with White Men, Foils to the Brown, the next degree to the Blacks, and the very Picture of Soot. In all Ages there have been Men of our Complexion Famous for Martial Exploits, Learning, Virtue, and Sanctity, it is needless for me to repeat a Catalogue of them, for they are sufficiently known. Nor can it be denied, that we are preferable to the Whites for not endeavouring to disguise the colour Nature gave to our Skins. Among them the Women that are swarthy or brown, plaster themselves like Walls to become White, and they that are White never satisfied with Whiteness wash to increase it. Only our Women contenting themselves with their Natural Complexion, are beautiful in the dark, and the whiteness of their Teeth shining the brighter through their blackness, when they smile they sparkle like the Stars in the night. Neither do we belly our Age, die our Hair, or wear false Locks. Why then are we contemned and chastised. This is it I offer to your Consideration, that you may consult what Means may be used for obtaining our due liberty and rest. The Hour prevailed, and a Black whose Head through Age was become grey, contrary to the received Opinion, that Black takes no colour, risen up and said. Let Ambassadors be immediately sent to all the Kingdoms in Europe, with Two Proposals. The first, That if Colour be the cause of Slavery, they will take notice of the Red Beards for the sake of Judas, and pass by the Blacks on account of one of the three Kings that came to Bethlem. And since Cats and Dogs of that colour ar● hateful, it will be but reasonable there be no Men nor Women of it, and let him in our Name propose means for the speedy destruction of all Fox heads with their Appurtenances. The second Proposal is, that they mix their Breed with ours, and blending their Brightness with our Sootiness, produce a mongrel Race, that so Swarthiness may become Fashionable; being sufficiently warned by the clearness of the Garmans' and Flemings, who have Embroiled and Distracted the World, stained so many Fields with Blood, and filled so many Nations with Rebellions and Heresies; but particularly let them remember the Frenchmens yellow Beards. 
It is a custom in Spain to Sneeze at the Blacks by way of contempt. England in the year 1640. This was spoke in the Person of K. Ch. the I. in whose time it was writ.  As for our Ambassadors, let them take this Advice along with them, that if the * People Sneeze at them they may take Snuff for their comfort and shall answer, God Bless us; bestowing the Prayer upon themselves.  
The mighty Monarch of England, whose Island is the most Beautiful Mole upon the face of the Ocean, having Assembled his Parliament, spoke to them as follows. My Dominions are encompassed by the raging Sea, hemmed in and defended by the Waves; my Kingdoms, as to the Public Worship are of the Reformed Religion, but in their hearts they are Catholics. I have engrafted the Papal power upon the Regal, wear at once the Crown and Mitre, and have two Heads, the Spiritual and the Temporal. I suspect, though it is not visible, as Spiritual Schism among my Subjects, and that the City which holds St. Peter's Keys influences the private Counsels in London. This is of so much the more dangerous consequence by how much it is the more Private. It is a great Eyesore to me to behold the Rebellious Hollanders grown up into a Commonwealth. I confess, mine and my Ancestors jealousy of the greatness of Spain, has raised them from a contemptible Spawn to a Bulk that exceeds the British Whale. I see them daily encroaching upon the East and West-Indies, and am devoured by the Lice I bred. I know, most years they have rich Fleets from their stolen Dominions, and sometimes they snap all, or a considerable part of those that belong to the King of Spain, which brings them in inestimable Treasure. By Land so many years continual exercise has made them Soldiers, with the reputation of innumerable Victories; and their experience in obeying has rendered them fit to Command. By Sea their Ships are not to be counted, their Fortune is matchless, their Conduct not to be paralleled, and their Reputation above their Neighbours. On the other side, I see my Neighbour the King of France (whom I hate upon ancient grudges) aspire to the Empire of Germany and Rome, having already got footing in Italy, being possessed of Towns, favoured by some Princes, and in all appearance countenanced by the Pope. He is a Youth born and grown up amidst Arms, and gained Triumphs with them when he was fit to have played with Toys. I now look upon his Subjects to be wholly united, since he has demolished all the strong holds of the Huguenots, Lutherans, and Calvinists, and vested the power of the Government in the Catholics alone: Neither do I on this account esteem him the better Catholic, but believe him a crafty Politician, and am persuaded, he is in himself a , that he only aims at his Interest, and believes in what he would have, not in that he adores; a Religion many follow under the name of another, yet he dissembles, because his design being to work himself into the possession of Naples and Milan, he thought it convenient to favour the Catholics, as being infinitely the stronger party; They are beholding to their number, not to their Doctrine. He pretends a Catholic zeal because it is the best colour to disguise his ambition of enlarging his Dominions in Italy, and he is a much beholding to his Hypocrisy as to his Valour for his Conquests. In Germany by calling in the Sweeds, and stirring up the Electors of Saxony and Brandenburg, and the Landtgrave of Hesse, he has sworn In verba Lutheri He laid hold of calvin's Conscience to seize the Duke of Lorrain's Dominions; and thus he is a Janus in Religion, looking upon the Turk with one Face, and upon the Pope with the other; Cardinal Richlieu being made his instrument to wind him into that Court. This causes my Nose to swell at him, because I consider, that for the compassing his ends he has made no account of 〈◊〉 power, but h● taken 〈◊〉 up with the fortune of the Hollanders, despising England as if he were furnished with another wonderful Joan of Are, or Maid of Orleans. I have so ill a relish of all these actions that they set my Teeth on Edge, and the very air I breath is nauseous; to which, adding the success of the Isle of the, it causes a loathing in my Memory. It occurs not to me with whom I can join in Confederacy to clip the Wings of these two Neighbours, unless with the 
* Phil. the 4th then young.  King of Spain, who is a Great, Rich, and Mighty Monarch, being Lord of the most Warlike Nations in the World, and in the prime of his Age; yet I cannot but take notice, that my Honour and Reputation are engaged in restoring the Palatine; and I cannot expect it from the Catholics, and consequently must not hope it from the Imperialists and Spaniards, by reason of the difference of Religion, and that the Protestants are already sick of the House of Austria. Besides, I guess the King of Spain has not forgot my Journey to his Court, since I have not forgot my return to my own, the memory whereof is renewed by the attempt of my Ships upon Cadiz. I would willingly reduce the Most Christian King to his former bounds, for like a Flood, he is swollen above his Banks, and has spread himself over all Europe; and at the same time would pull back the Dutch to what they were. It is your parts to advise what methods will be most proper for this undertaking; but at the same time you are to understand, that I am not only resolved, but eager to go myself in Person, because I am of opinion, that a Prince who being engaged in a necessary War, does not himself lead his People, rather condemns his Subjects to carry Arms, than makes Soldiers of them, and they being thus drove like Criminals, suffer more than they Act; whence it comes, they expect their Liberty, and revenge no less by being overcome than by overcoming. There is as much difference betwixt leading and sending of Armies, as betwixt jest and earnest, as appears by experience. Answer in relation to the Public without meddling with my safety; and let me hear nothing in your opinions that looks like Self-Interest. Inform my understanding, do not perplex it. This said, they all looked upon one another with an awful silence, and after consulting together in private, the Speaker returned this Answer. Your Majesty, Great Sir, has contrived so to place your Question, that you have taught us how to Answer; an Art highly to be valued by Kings, because it creates perspicuity and a good understanding. Truth is but one, it is plain and clear, few words express it, multiplicity confounds it; it breaks little silence, falsehood leaves none unbroken. The Reflections you have made on the King of France and the Hollanders are worthy your Royal consideration. The imminent danger requires a manly and speedy resolution. The King of Spain is at this time the only Confederate can promote your designs, and will be the more effectual if you join with him in Person to crush these two troublesome Neighbours. And your Majesty may observe, there is as great distance betwixt Acting and Commanding, as is betwixt Words and Deeds. I confess your Heirs are too tender to be forsaken. But it is a less evil to leave them young, then Childishly to bear them company being a Father. Scarce had he uttered these Words, when an old decrepit Senator, whose gristle clotted Beard covered all his Breast, his head hanging down, and the hunch of his back through Age rising above it, lifting himself up by the help of his staff said. There is no doubt but it is a great rashness to▪ advise his Kingdoms swarm with concealed Catholics, whose number is known to be great, but suspected to be much greater. Your Majesty has Subjects fit to be entrusted with such an undertaking, let an Army of our own Religion be sent under the Command of the Chief Men who are suspected to be Catholics: Thus their Allegiance will be secured abroad, and fewer Enemies will remain at home. Do not venture your Person in which we venture our all, and which alone secures all; for, from the Speakers opinion I gather he Plots like a Papist, and does not advise like a Councillor. The whole Assembly fell into confusion, and in this disorder the Hour began, and the King changing colour said: You two instead of Advising have Distracted me. One says, if I go not abroad in Person my Enemies will deprive me of my Kingdom. The other, that if I go it will be taken away by my Subjects, so that you will have me stand more in awe of my Subjects than of my Enemies. The Condition I am reduced to is Deplorable. It remains, that every one of you within 24 hours, lay before me by whose and by what means I am reduced to this pass▪ naming Persons and Causes without sparing one another; otherwise I shall suspect you all, for the blame lies only among you that advise me; for I am now resolved to attend my Affairs both at home and abroad. The King of France goes abroad without having Issues or hopes of it, and leaves a Kingdom divided on several accounts, the Nobility stained with the Blood of Montmorency, the Huguenots suppressed, but not without thoughts of revenge, the Country eaten up with Taxes, and the whole Kingdom groaning under the Oppression of the Prime Minister; and you would have me who have Issue, and less Obstacles to obstruct me, stay to rock and play with my Children. France and Holland are become formidable because I have lived at home at my ease, if I appear not abroad they will be my ruin. If I stay for fear of my Subjects, I encourage them to contemn me. If once my Enemies are assured I cannot go abroad, I shall not be able to secure myself against them, and if I go abroad and perish, at least I shall gain the Honour of the Attempt, and prevent the Scandal of Cowardice. That King who acts not himself in defence of his Crown, furnishes them with an Excuse who do not assist him. It will be unjust to punish those that follow his Example, for he cannot be Judge of the Crime he taught, nor condemn what was learned of him by those who imitate him in forsaking the Defence of their Country. Be gone all of you immediately, and consult according to your Duty what is best for my Service, preferring it before your own Lives, and my Quiet, for I promise the more sharp the truth you deliver shall be, the better I will look upon it; and do not perplex me with the pretence of carrying all the Nobility along with me, for Experience demonstrates, that no Man ever assembled them in an Army, but he lost them and himself. The Rings measured by the Bushel at Cannae testify it to the unspeakable sorrow of Rome. So the Wood of Pavia made the Sepulchre of all the French Nobility, and of their King's Liberty. So the Spanish Armada under the Duke of Medina Sidonia, which coming to invade this Kingdom, enriched the Shores with its Wreck. And so King Sebastian who lost his Nobility, his Crown, and his Life in afric. The Nobility united causes Confusion, and occasions Ruin, because they know not how to Command, and will not Obey, and consequently their Pride breaks an Military Discipline. I will take with me a few that have gained Experience, the rest shall stay to be a Check to the Licentiousness of the Multitude, and a Curb to Mutineers. I have Occasion for such Men as think they cheat me in exposing their Lives for  a day, not for those who having exhausted my Treasure that they might go, claim a Title to my Revenue because they went. It were good that all the Nobility were Trained, yet it were not safe. Private Persons must not Arm Madmen, nor Kings the Nobility. Take this along with you by way of Instruction, and there will be the less to distract your Consultations, and my Resolution will the sooner take effect.  

The Jews and Monopanti in Council for embroiling Christendom, and draining its Wealth.  At Thessalonica, a City of Macedonia, seated at the bottom of the Gulf to which it gives its Name, and subject to the Emperor of Constantinople, by the appointment of Rabbi Saadias', Rabbi Racabarbaniel, Rabbi Solomon, and Rabbi Nisin, was held a general Assembly of the Deputies of all the Jews in Europe. Thither resorted for the Synagogue at Venice Rabbi Samuel and Rabbi Maimon, for that of Ragusa Rabbi Abenezra, for that of Constantinople Rabbi Jacob, for that of Rome Rabbi Chaminiel, for that of Leghorn Rabbi Cersonni, for that of Rouen Rabbi Gavirol, for that of Prague Rabbi Mosche, for that of Vienna Rabbi Berchai, for that of Amsterdam Rabbi Mier Armaac, for that of Oran Rabbi Asepha, for the Jews in Masquerade, who Trade under the disguise of the Christian Habit and Language, Rabbi David Bar Nachman. With these joined the Monopanti, a Republican People inhabiting certain Islands, who lying in the Black Sea, betwixt Moscovy and Tartary, are politicly maintained against their fierce Neighbours, rather by Cunning than force of Arms or strength of Fortifications. The Natives are Men of inextricable Subtlety, thorough-paced in Hypocrisy, absolute Masters of Dissimulation, and of so deceitful a Presence, that all Religions and Nations take them for their own. Trade gives them multiplicity of Faces, and charges their Countenances, and Interest shifts their Souls. They are Governed by a Prince called Pragas Chincollos'. By his Order there came to this Sanhedrim Six of the most Learned Men in the Doctrine of Raking and Griping, the first was called Philorgiros, the second Erictotheos', the third Danipe, the fourth Arpi Trotono, the fifth Pacasmazo, and the sixth Daper Bazalas. The Assembly seated themselves orderly, according to the Pre-eminence of each Synagogue, giving the First Seat to the Monopanti in Courtesy as they were Strangers. After Silence was made, Rabbi Saadias' having repeated the Psalm, In exitu Israel de Egypto, made the following Speech. We the first Generation of the World, who are become the Offcast of all Ages, and dispersed Multitude, living in Captivity and miserable Contempt, perceiving the whole World entangled in the inextricable Snares of Discord, have assembled ourselves together to consult our Interest amidst the present Tumults, that we may raise ourselves upon the Ruins of all others. I conf●●s Captivity, Plagues, and Obstinacy are our Inheritance. Fears and Jealousies are the first begotton of our Understandings, and we were ever Malcontents against God, ever valuing the Deity we made, before that which made us. From the first beginning his government was irksome to us, and we followed the interpretation of the Devil in opposition to his Law. When his Omnipotency governed us, we rebelled, when he gave us Governors we disobeyed. Samuel who governed in his Name was thought burdensome, and we gathering an ungrateful Assembly, though God was our King, asked of God another King. He gave us Saul, and him a Tyrannical Right over us, declaring he would make Slaves of our Children, and take away our Estates to give to his Servants; and he aggravated this punishment, saying, he would not take him from us though we should beg it of him. He said to Samuel, that it was him they despised, not the Prophet, or his Sons. To fulfil his Curse, that Saul continues among us at all times, in all Places, and under several Names. Since than he oppresses us with infamous and miserable Thraldom in all Kingdoms and Commonwealths, and God permits every King should be a Saul to us who left God for Saul; Our Nation remained Criminal in the sight of all Men, all cast it from themselves, all retain, and all are ashamed of retaining it. We reside not in any place, but whether we came expelled from another. We rest not where, but where they are desirous to cast us out, and all dread we should be driven upon them. We cannot but own there is no congruity between our Words and our Actions, and that our Mouth and our Heart never were united in adoring the same God; our Mouth always called upon the God of Heaven, our Heart ever gave Idolatrous Adoration to God and Usury. Being under the conduct of Moses, when he went up to the Mount for the Law, we made it appear, that the Religion of our Souls was Gold, and any Creature framed thereof. There we adored our own Jewels in the Calf, and our Avarice took for its Deity the resemblance of the sucking Cattle. We admit not of God in any other Metal, and in this we receive any Insect for a God. He well understood the Disease that caused our insatiable Thirst, who made us drink up our Idol reduced to Powder. A mighty Vengeance followed this Crime; yet though it slew many thousands, it was a warning to few, for whereas God afterwards did for us all that we could ask, still he did nothing but what we grew weary of. He stretched out the Clouds like a Canopy to cover us in the Desert from the scorching heat of the day. He strengthened with the fiery Pillar the weak light of the Moon and Stars, that they assisted with its glittering motion might overcome the darkness of the night, and represent the Sun in its absence. He commanded the Wind to shower down our Harvest, and disposed the Regions of the Air into wonderful Barns, pouring thence our Sustenance ready dressed in the Manna with all the seasoning every  could desire. He caused the Quails descending like Rain to become Game and Nets for our Entertainment. He dissolved the immovable Rocks into running Streams, and caused Springs to gush from the Stones to recreate our Thirst. He dried up the bottom of the Sea into an easy Road for our Feet, and raised the Waters perpendicular, heaping up their smoothness into Liquid Walls, detaining in a secure Structure the Waves and Billows, which became a straight way for our Forefathers, and a Sepulchre to Pharaoh and his Army. His Word raised a Vermin, and listed Frogs, Flies and Locusts in his Army for our service. There is nothing so weak, whereof God doth not make up invincible Hosts against Tyrants. With such small Soldiers he vanquished the formidable Enemy's Squadrons, glittering in their Steel Armour, vainglorious in the bearings of their Shields, and flourishing in the Feathers of their Crests. These wonderful Mercies which our King and Prophet David celebrated in the 105th Psalm, which gins Horula Adonai, were requited by our Obstinacy and Ingratitude with a loathing and dislike of our Food, and with Oblivion of the Way opened through the Waves of the Sea. Many times God chastises with what he gives, and rewards with what he refuses. Such Forefathers are a scandalous Genealogy of our Perverseness. We are generally looked upon as obstinate in endless hopes, whereas in reality we are the most desperate People in Nature: We are the Ne plus ultra of Incredulity; and hopes nor is any thing to be hoped of us. Because Moses stayed a little on the Mount, we despaired of him, and asked a God of Aaron. The reason why it is said we are obstinate in everlasting hope is, because we have so many Ages expected the Messiah; but neither did we receive him in Christ, nor do we expect him in any other. The cause of our saying always, that he is to come, is not that we desire him, or believe it, but by these delays to disguise our being the Fool that gins the 13th Psalm, saying in his Heart, There is no God. The same says he, who denies him that came, and waits for him that is not to come. This is the Language of our Heart, and rightly considered it is the Quare of the 2d Psalms, Fremuerunt gentes, & populi meditati sunt inania adversus dominum, & adversus Christum ejus. So that we say we always hope, to conceal our always despairing. Of the Law of Moses we retain only the Name, giving it to the Exceptions the Talmudists, have forged to belie the Scripture, disguise the Prophecies, invalidate the Precepts, and dispose Consciences to Worldly ends, instructing our Atheistical Inclinations with Seditious Politics for the conveniency of a Civil Life, and adopting us of Sons of Israel Sons of Mammon. When we had a Law we kept it not. Now we keep it, it is no Law, farther than in the very sound of the three Letters. It was necessary to declare what we were, to excuse what we are, and to promote what we aim to be, advancing ourselves upon the wild Extravagancies, which like a Frenzy possess all the Earth; for now not only the Heretics rise in Arms against their Enemies the Catholics, but the Catholics themselves in hostile manner invade one another. The Protestants of Germany for many years past have struggled for a Heretic Emperor, and in this they are favoured by the most Christian King, who acts as if he were not so, and connives at Calvin and Luther. The Catholic King opposes them all, to keep in the House of Austria the Supreme Dignity of the Roman Eagles. The Hollanders encouraged by being successful Traitors, aspire to raise their Treason into a Monarchy, and of Rebellious Subjects to the King of Spain, dare presume to become his Competitors. They wrested from him what he bade in them, and they proceed rob him of what is so far from them, as Brazil and India, designing to extend their Conquests over his Crown. We have been no small Instruments in promoting these Usurpations, by means of the Shame Christians, whom under disguise of the Portuguese Language we have applied to undermine him, upon pretence of being his Subjects. All or most of the Princes of Italy have harboured the French in their Dominions, pretending they read the Pope's inclinations in his Looks, and interpreting his silent Toleration for a positive Command, Ex motu proprio. The King of France has practised an unbeard or Stratagem against the Monarch of Spain, 
The Duke of Orleans, and Queen Mother of France, upon disgust went into Flanders, where they had Pensions from the King of Spain, who entertained them to breed Divisions in France.  discharging upon him all his Family under the Title of Malcontents, that he might consume the Pay of his Army in Pensions and Prosents. When was it ever known that a King made Ammunition of his Mothers and Brothers Teeth against another, that they might eat him up by morsels. It is a beggarly invention, and yet most pernicious. To wage War by Mumping, looks more like jest than earnest. We have Synagogues in the Dominions of all these Princes, where we are the principal Element in composing of this Confusion. At Rouen we are the Purse of France against Spain, and of Spain against France. In Spain, disguising our Circumcision by our Habit, we su●●● that Monarch with the Stock we have at Amsterdam amidst his Enemies, who make a greater advantage by ordering us to delay the payment of the Bills, than he does by receiving them. This is indeed an extra ordinary Riddle, to wit, to serve and ruin Friends and Enemies with the same Money, and to cause him that pays it to make his advantage over him that receives it. The same we do in Germany, Italy, and Constantinople, and we have knit this indissoluble knot by placing the supply every one expects in the hands of his greatest Enemy. For we furnish Money, as he that lends upon Interest to one that plays and loses, that he may lose the more. I do not deny but the Monopanti are the Boxkeepers of Europe, who furnish Cards, Dice and Candles, and at length the Box runs away with all the Gold and Silver, leaving the Gamesters nothing but Noise, Ruin, and a desire of Revenge, which they encourage, that their Gaming House, which is the end of all Men, may never have an end. Thus far they are the true Copies of our Original. True it is they have much the advantage of us in the manner of worming themselves in, because they are the Jews of the New Testament, as we are of the Old, for as we did not believe that Jesus was the Messiah that came, so they believing that Jesus was the Messiah already come, they let him slip through their Consciences in such a manner it seems he never came to, or for them. The Monopanti believe him, as a grave Author says we expect him: Auream, & Gemmatam Hierusalem expectabant. A Jerusalem of Gold and Precious Stones. Both we and the through differing Principles and unlike Means tend to the same end, which is to destroy Christianity which we would not receive, and they after receiving have rejected. And this is he reason we have met to join a Confederacy of Malice and Deceit. This Synagogue has taken it into consideration, that Gold and Silver are the true Sons of the Earth which make War against Heaven, not only with an hundred hands, but with as many as dig, cast, coin, gather, tell, receive, and steal them. They are two Subterranean Demons, yet beloved of all Mortals. Two such Metals, that the greater Body they have, they have also the more Spirit. No Estate or Condition despises them, and if any Law condemn, the Lawyers and Interpreters of it bring them off. He that thinks it an undervaluing to dig them, values himself upon gathering them. He who is too great to ask of him that keeps, courteously receives them of him that offers. And he who thinks it too great a labour to earn them, esteems it an art to steal them. He that says, I will not have them, at the same time means, Give me them. And he who cries, I receive nothing, speaks truth, because he snatches all. As it were a falsehood should the Sea pretend it does not swallow up the Springs and Brooks, since drinking up the Rivers which suck them up, it also licks up Brooks and Springs; so great Men prevaricate when they say they do not receive from the Poor and Beggars, whereas they devour the Rich, who swallow up the Poor and Beggars. The Premises being granted, it will be most proper to levelly the Strokes of our Interest at Kings, Commonwealths, and Prime Ministers, in whose Stomaches all the rest cause a Surfeit, which being by us stirred up will prove a Lethargy, or Apoplexy in their Heads. Let the Monopanti have the pre-eminence of giving their Opinion first, what method they judge most proper for our advantage. They having buzzed about their sly thoughts from one to another, agreed that Pacasmazo, as the most fluent of Tongue, and abounding in Words, should speak for them all, which he did in this manner. The Goods of the World belong to the Industrious, and Fortune follows the Dissemblers and the Bold. Crowns and Sceptres are sooner usurped and snatched, than inherited or deserved. He who in Temporal Preferments is the worst among the Wicked, is the most deserving without exception, and grows till he suffers himself to be outdone in Villainy, for in all Ambitious Attempts, Justice and Honesty make Tyrant's Criminals. No sooner these begin to use moderation, but they depose themselves. If they will continue their Tyranny, they must not suffer any signs to appear abroad that may prove them so. The Fire that burns a House, casting out the Smoke, calls People to quench it with Water. Let every one take as much of this Discourse to himself as suits with his purpose. Money is the true Circe, which changes into sundry forms all that come near or fall in love with it. We ourselves are the Example. Money is a disguised Deity, which in no place has any public Altar, but is privately adored in all parts. It has no particular Temple, because it slides into all Churches. Riches is an universal Sect, in which most Souls agree; and Covetousness is an Arch Heretic beloved by all Politicians, and the Reconciler of all Differences in Opinion and Humour. We therefore perceiving he is the most wonderful Magician and Necromancer, have chosen him for our North Star, and make him our Loadstone to point to that Pole that we may not stray from our Course. This we perform so artificially, that we leave him to the end we may have him, and despise him that we may gather him. This we learned of the deceitful Pump, which by being empty fills itself, with what it has not; attracts what others have, and easily sucks and dreins the full with its own emptiness. We are the very resemblance of Gunpowder, which being small, black, and close rammed, gathers vast strength and swiftness from its close imprisonment. We do the mischief before the noise can be heard, and as we open one Eye and shut the other to take aim, we carry all before us in the twinkling of an Eye. Our Houses are like the Barrels of Guns, they are discharged at the Keys, and charged at the Mouth. Yet though we are such, we have Countenances and Manners that suit with all Men, and therefore we seem not Strangers to any Sect or Nation. The Turk takes our Hair for a Turban, the Christian for a Hat, the Moor for a Cap, and you for a Veil. We admit not of the Name of a Kingdom, Commonwealth, or any other, but only that of Monopanti. We yield all Titles to Kings and Commonwealths, we take from them the power abstracted from the Vanity of those noisy Words. We lay our Design that they may be Lords over the World, and we over them. To attain so glorious an end, we have not found any to 〈◊〉 with in Confederacy on equal Terms, like you, who are at present the sharpers of Europe; you only want our quality to complete the subverting of all, which we offer you entire, by way of Contagion or Infection, to be transmitted by means of an infernal device found out against Christians by us here present; which is, that as Treacle is prepared with the sharp poison of the Viper, because it is the moisture that goes the quickest and most directly to the Heart; for which reason being compounded with many Simples of Efficacious Virtue, it conveys them to the Heart to defend it against Poison, which is the design of the Medicine; so we have invented a counter-Treacle to convey Poisons to the Heart, by falling upon the Virtues and good works that go to it, and to carry to the Soul the Vices, Abominations and Errors, which on these Vehicles will slip into it. If you resolve upon this Alliance, we will give you the Receipt, with the weight and number of Ingredients, and furnish Apothecaries well versed in the composition, in the contriving whereof, Danipe, Alkemiastos, and I, have taken great pains, and our labour is nothing inferior to the Trochisks of the Viper. Be ruled by our Pragas, for you need not cease to be Jew's, and at the same time will learn to be Monopanti. At the very uttering of these words the Hour had its effect, and Rabbi Maimon one of those that came from the Synagogue of Venice rising up, and putting aside with his hand a Fathom and a half of Snout, that he might come the closer to the Ear of Rabbi Saadias', whispered these words Rabbi, I smell a Rat in that word, be governed, we must keep a sharp Eye upon these Fellows, for to me they look like family pharao's and subtle encroachers. Saadias' replied, Now at length I am convinced they are the very Manna of instruction, for they taste as every one would have them. The best way is to say little, and give them a bait in the Trap as to Republican Mice. Christotheus seeing the numbling Dialogue, said to Philargiros and Danipe. I smoke the Jealousy of the wicked Jews: Let every Man of the Monopanti give himself a lick of the Golden Calf, and they will all fall upon their Knees. They all run upon Snares and Contrivances against one another, and Rabbi Saadias', to amuse the Monopanti, said, We look upon you as discoverers of the Land of promise, and the true basis of our designs, that we may be united in a mischievous body, it will be requisite we consult the methods, and conclude and sign Articles at our next meeting, which we appoint three days hence. Pacasmazo covering his Snake Skin with Doves Feathers, said, The time was sufficient, and the resolution discreet; but that it was requisite, exact secrecy should be observed. Then taking out a Book bound in Sheep's skin with the Wool on, which was curiously interwoven and wrought with Gold Thread, he gave it to Saadias', saying, This Jewel we give you as a Pledge. He took it, and asked, Whose works are these? Pacasmazo answered, The works of our words. The Author is Nicolas Matchiavel, who composed the through Base to our Trebel. The Jews attentively looking upon them, and particularly observing the binding in Sheep's skin; Rabbi Asapha, who was Deputy for Oran said, This is some of the Wool the Spaniards tell us in their Proverb, which says, they that go to fetch it are fleeced before they return. Thus they parted, both parties contriving to meet again like the Steel and Flint for to batter, bruise, and beat one another to pieces, till they struck fire against all the World, for founding the new Sect of Monetism, changing the name of Atheists, into that of Moneymongers, or Monetists.  

The general Assembly of all Nations for redress of grievances.  The Subjects of Princes, Commonwealths, Kings and Emperors assembled together at Liege, a Neuter Country, to consult about their Affairs, redress their Grievances, vent their Spleen, and breath out their thoughts before stifled under the fear of Sovereign Power. There were people of all Nations, Conditions and Qualities. The number was so great it looked more like an Army than an Assembly, for which reason they made choice of the open Fields to meet in. On the one hand it was surprising to behold the wonderful variety of Garbs and Countenances; on the other the Ears were Confounded, and Attention itself deceived by the strange diversity of Languages. The voices seemed to rend the Air, and resounded in the same manner, as when in the heat of harvest time, the Fields ring with the indefatigable noise of Grasshoppers. The most piercing cry was, that raised by the Women tearing their Throats with Actions altogether distracted. All was full of tumultuous Madness, and raging Discord. The Republicans would be governed by Princes, and the Subjects of Princes were for erecting themselves into Commonwealths. This controversy set a Noble Savoyard and a Commoner of Genova together by the Ears. The Savoyard complained, That his Duke was the perpetual motion, and consumed his Subjects with continual Wars, to hear up his Dominions which are ever ready to sink betwixt France and Spain. That his safety consisted in embroiling the two Kings at the Expense of his Subjects; to the end, that they two being employed against one another, neither of them might swallow him, since both those Princes alternatively, first one and then the other Conquer and Defend him; all which the Subjects pay for, being never allowed any respite to breath. When France attacks, Spain supports him; and when Spain invades, France defends him; and whereas, neither protects him for his sake, but to obstruct the others enlarging his Dominion by that accession, and becoming a nearer and more formidable Neighbour, the Defence is often as fatal, if not more to the Subjects, than the Invasion. The Duke retains a secret ambition to be thought the Founder of the Liberty of Itatly; bearing before him, the better to draw to his party the See of Rome. The History of Amadee, surnamed the Pacifick, because some Persons impiously Malicious, have suspected he designs to reduce the Pope to his bare stock of Pardons in indulgences. The Duke is Disceased of the Distemper of King of Cyprus, is perplexed with the remembrance of having been Lord of Geneva, and grows sick with the desire of being Supreme among the Italian Princes. All these motives are spurs to his Ambition, which rather stands in need of a Curb; and for these Reasons, I come to propose, that Savoy and Piedmont may be form into a Common wealth, where Justice and Wisdom Govern, and Liberty Reigns. What Liberty Reigns? Quoth the Genoese, Damning himself to the pit of Hell. Thou art certainly mad, and having never lived in a Commonwealth, dost not know the misery and slavery that attends it. All the Politics in the World will never make us set our Horses together. I who am a Genoese, Born under that Commonwealth, which by its nearness and the great contentions betwixt us is well acquainted with you, am come to persuade your Duke, with the assistance of us the Commons, to make himself King of Genova; and if he accepts not of it, I will go make the same offer to the King of Spain; and from him to the King of France, and so from one to another till I find one that will take pity on us. Tell me, thou ungrateful wretch, to the goodness of God towards you, in making you the Subjects of a Prince: Have you ever considered how much easier it is to obey one, than many met together in one room, but as divided in Manners, Inclinations, Opinions and designs. Dost not thou observe, Monster, that in Commonwealths, the Government being Annual and Successive through several Families, it is consequently under an awe, and Justice is not freely distributed, for fear lest those who shall Govern the next twelve Months or three Years should revenge themselves on him that governed before? If a Republican Senate consist of many it is all confusion; if of few, it only serves to corrupt the security and excellency of Unity. Nor is this remedied by the Duke, who either has no absolute Power, or lasts but for a time appointed. If the Government be equally divided betwixt the Nobility and Commons, they make up an Assembly of Dogs and Cats; For the one part proposes Snaping and Barking, and the other answers, Scratching and Clawing. If they be Rich and Poor, the Rich contemn the Poor, and the Poor envy the Rich. Consider now what will be the issue of Envy and Contempt. If the Power rest in the Commons, neither will the Nobles be able to endure them, nor they bear not being such. Now if only the Nobility rules, I can compare the Subjects to nothing but the Damned in Hell, and such are we the Commons of Genoa: Nay, could I say worse of our condition, I should think this too little. Genoa has as many Commonwealths as Nobles, and as many Slaves as Commons; and all these Commonwealths meet in one Palace, only to reckon up our stock, that they may squeeze us either by enhancing or abasing the value of money, and as if they were informers against our estates, their continual study is to depress us into Poverty. They make use of us like Sponges, sending us abroad into the World, that plunging in Trade, we may suck Riches, and when they perceive us swollen with cash, they squeeze us out for their own use. Tell me then, thou Cursed abominable Savoyard, what it is you aim at by your Treachery, what can be your infernal design? Do not you perceive that the Nobility and Commonalty transmit their Power to Kings and Princes, in whom being removed from the Prince of the former, and lowness of the latter it composes a supreme head, authorized by a Peaceful and disinteressed Majesty, over which the Nobility dares not insult, and under which the Commonalty does not groan. They had fallen soul of one another, had not they been prevented by the muttering of a drove of Legislators, driven by a Rabble of Women, who with open mouths confounded them, Shreiking, and threatened to fall on with their Teeth. One of them of such Transcendent beauty that it was increased by the hideousness of passion, which is an Affection that adds Deformity even to the fierceness of Lions, delivered herself in these words. Tyrants, for what reason have you alone made Laws against Women without their consent, according to your own fancies, whereas they are an equal part of the two wherein Human Government consists. You exclude us the Schools merely through Envy, because we shall exceed you; and deny us the use of Arms for fear you should be Conquered by our Anger, as you are already by our Smiles. You have constituted ourselves the Supreme Judges of Peace and War, and we suffer under your extravagancies. Adultery in us is a crime punishable with Death, and among you it is a mere Jest. You will have us be good, that you may be wicked, and require us , that you may be Lewd. We have not a sense but what you keep under hatches; you tie up our Feet, and Hoodwink our Eyes. If we look, you say we are impudent; if others look on us we are dangerous. And thus under colour of Modesty you Condemn us to forfeit our Reason and Senses. It is your Jealousy, you Scoundrels, not our own weakness, that often persuades us to act that against you, for which you are most watchful over us. More are made wicked by you, than would be so of themselves. If you senseless Rascals make yourselves the forbidden fruit to us, it follows of necessity, we shall all become so many Eves against you. Very many are good when they are put into your hands, and you force them to be wicked; and you receive none so wicked, but most of you oblige them to be worse. All your Gravity consists in the wild hairiness of your Faces; and he who thinks his Beard will make the bigest brush, thinks himself the ablest Man; as if the strength of the Brain lay in long Bristles, which rather look like a Tail than a Head. This is the day these grievances must be redressed, either by allowing us a share in Learning and Government, or by giving us a hearing, and doing us right against the Laws Established; Enacting some more favourable for us, and repealing others that are prejudicial to us. A Doctor whose beard hung in daglocks down to his Heels, seeing the Women in a crowd and bent upon mischief, relying on his Eloquence, attempted to appease them with these Words, It is not without much dread I undertake to oppose your sentiments, considering Reason itself is oft overcome by Beauty, and Rhetoric is of no force compared with your Charms. However, tell me, what law can you be entrusted with, since the first Woman proved herself such, by breaking the Law of God. With what safety can weapons be put into your Hands, since with an Apple, you struck to the ground all the generation of Adam, not so much as those that were hid in the distance of futurity escaping? You say all Laws are against you, this were truth, had you said, you were against all Laws. What Power is there to compare to yours, for though you do not judge according to the Laws studying them, you judge the Laws by means of the Judges corrupting them. If we make Laws, it is you that break them. If Judges govern the World, and Women the Judges; it is the Women that govern the World, and debauch them that govern it; for the Women they love are more prevalent with many than the Laws they read. What the Devil said to the Woman took place with Adam, of that God said to him. The influence of the Devil is great over Human Hearts, if he speaks through the Mouth of one of you. Woman is a Rarity that ought to be feared and loved, and it is very hard to fear and love the same thing. He who loves only her, hates himself; and he who hates only her, hates Nature. What Law is there which your Tears will not blot out, and what Equity is of force against your Smiles? If we have Employments and Preferments, it is you that spend the Profits in your Dresses. You have but one Precedent to quote, which is your Beauty; When did you ever urge it that it did not take place? Or, Whoever saw it that did not submit? If we suffer ourselves to be bribed, it is that we may bribe you. If we strain the Laws, and incline Justice, it is for the most part because we advise with your Charms; you run away with the Prize of the Villainies you command us to act, and we are left with the Scandal of Corrupt Judges. You envy us our Military Employments, whereas you are beholding to War for the happiness of being left Widows, and we for being buried in Oblivion among the Dead. You complain that Adultery is a Capital Crime in you, and not in us. Why you Charming White Devils, if one slip of yours Dishonours Parents and Children, and stains a whole Generation, how can you fancy Death too servere a Punishment? whereas the Honour of many innocent Persons is infinitely valuable above the Life of a Criminal. But let us judge by your Works how you value the Penalty. You cannot count the Adulteries you are guilty of, because they are innumerable, and among us they are so rare we have nothing to count. Death is a Punishment that deters others from falling into the same Crime, but where does this appear by you? To complain of our guarding you, is to complain that we value you, for no Man takes pains to secure what he despises. By what I have said it appears you are absolute Ladies of all things, all things are subject to you; you enjoy Peace, and are the occasion of War. If you would aches that which many of you want, ask for Moderation and Brains. Scarce was the Word Brains out of his Lips, when all the Women together discharged their Fury upon the Wretched Doctor in the Storm of Blows, Scatches, and Pinches, and so outrageously did they pull his Beard and Hair, that they left him as smooth as if he had been new Shaved, and looked more like an old Woman, than the Reverend Interpreter of the Law. They and quite stifled him, but that a multitude of People came in hearing he Noise and Outcries. Among them a French Monsieur, and an Italian Monseignor, had already made known to one another their Displeasure by some good Bangs, and saluted their Countenances with Cuffs, followed by Kicks and such like Familiarities. The Frenchman fretted with Rage, and the Italian foamed with Anger. Italians and Frenchmen flocked to them on all hands, the Germans interposed, and having with much difficulty appeased them, asked the caused of their Strife. The Frenchman gathering up with both Hands his Breeches, which in the Scruffle were fallen over his Legs, answered: All Nations are met here this day, to redress their Grievances, and I among the rest was discoursing with others of my Countrymen concerning the miserable condition France is in at present, and how the French are oppressed under the Tyranny of Cardinal Richlieu. I was laying open with what art he pretends the King's Service, at the same time he degrades him. How he covers the Fox under the Purple Robe. How by Embroiling all Christendom, he diverts all from looking into his Practices. How his Subtlety makes a Property of his Prince's Favour. And how he had put the Power of Sea and Land, Governments, Preferments, Armies and Fleets, into the hands of his Kindred and Confederates, defaming the Nobility, and raising the Unworthy. I was putting my Countrymen in mind how the Marshal D'Ancre was hacked and hewed in pieces, and called to their remembrance Monsieur de Luisnes, and how yet our King cannot rid himself of Prime Ministers, showing how this last was the only Friend to the other two, whose Reputation he established by blackening his own. I was discovering to them, how of late years, Traitors have hit upon the most pernicious Art that ever Hell invented, for perceiving that to usurp Kingdoms is become Treason, and that he who attempts it is punished as a Traitor, the better of secure themselves in their wicked Practices, they usurp the Kings, calling themselves Favourites, and thus instead of being punished as Traitors, they are adored as Kings of Kings. I was proposing, do now propose, and will again propose in the general meeting, that for the perpetuating the Succeession, establishing of Kingdoms, and extirpating this Sect of Traitors, an inviolable and indispensible Law should be enacted, ordaining, That whatsoever King of France shall subject himself to a Favourite, he and his Heirs shall Ipso facto, forfeit their Title to the Crown, and their Subjects be absolved from their Oath of Allegiance, for the Salic Law, which excludes Femanes, does not prevent so manifest a danger as this that cuts off Favourites. I added, that at the same time it should be ordained, That whatsoever Subject under the Title presumed to usurp his King, should suffer an infamous Death, and forfeit all the Estate and Honours be stood possessed of, his Name for ever remaining scandalous and execrable. Now that distracted Bergamasco never considering what was said by me, who never so much as once thought of the Nepotes of Rome, called me Heretic, saying, that in detesting Favourites I detested the Nepotes, for that Favourite and Nepos ●re two Names, yet but one and the same thing; and though I had not spoke a Word tending to that mad Notion, he attacked me as you all beheld. The Germans with the rest of the Spectators were surprised and amazed. With much difficulty the directed each to his Post, and dispose the Multitude into a silent Auditory to hear the Propositions which were to be made in the Name of them all by a ruddy Lawer who had set them all a madding, and put into their Heads such wild and extravagant Demands. Two Trumpets gave the signal for silence, when he standing upon an eminent place in the midst of the Multitude, which swarmed about, delivered himself in this manner. The thing we all aim at is the general Liberty of all, to be purchased by contriving how we may be subject to Justice not to Violence; That Reason may govern us, and not the absolute Power of the Will; That we may belong to those who Inherit, not to them that Ravish us; That we may be the Care of Princes, not their Merchandise; and in Commonwealths, Companions not Slaves, Limbs not Lumber, Bodies and not Shadows. That the Rich Man hinder not the Poor from growing Rich, nor the Poor grow Rich by plundering the Wealthy. That the Nobleman despise not the Commoner, nor the Commoner hate the Nobleman. And that the whole Care of the Government be employed in encouraging the Poor to grow Rich, and Honouring the Virtuous, and in preventing the contrary. Care must be taken that no one Man become greater and more powerful than all the rest, for he who excels all others destroys equality, and they that suffer him to exceed encourage him to conspire. Equality is the Harmony in which consists the Music of the Commonwealths Peace, for when disturbed by any Excess it becomes Discord, and that before was Consort becomes Noise. Commonwealths are to be so united with Kings, as the Earth (which represents the former) is with the Sea (representing the latter;) These always embrace one another, yet so as the Earth always defends itself against the encroachment of the Sea by its Banks, the Sea always threatens the Earth, wears and endeavours to overflow and swallow it up, and the Earth ever fixed and unmoved opposes the perpetual motion and inconstancy of the Sea. The Sea swells with every Wind, every Blast makes the Earth fruitful. The Sea grows rich with what the Earth commits to it, and the Earth with Hooks and Nets drains and depopulates the Sea. Even as all the Security and Shelter against the Sea is in the Land, which furnishes Harbours, so Commonwealths are a Refuge against the Revolutions and Storms of Kingdoms. Commonwealths ought always to make War with their Heads, seldom with their Hands, they must have Armies and Fleets ready in the greatness of their Stock, which is the Celerity that lays hold of all Opportunities. They are to make War upon Kings by setting them one against another, for Monarches, though they be Fathers, Sons, Brothers, and Relations, are like Steel and the File, which though not only near Allied, but the same Substance and Metal, yet the File always cuts and wears away the Iron. Commonwealths are to assist rash Princes so far as may serve to overthrow them, and the more cautious far enough to make them rash. It is their best Policy to Honour Trade, because it enriches and carries Men throughout the World, gaining them Practical Experience, by which they discover the Ports, Customs, Government, Strength and Designs of their Neighbours. The Study of Politic and Mathematics ought to be encouraged as advantageous to the Public, and nothing aught to be so much contemned as Idleness, though under never so specious a Title, or Riches devoted to Luxury. All Public Sports shall consist of the Exercise of Fire-armes, and handling of other Weapons, as is used in Battle, that they may be at once Useful and Diverting; at the same time Sports and Exercises, and then will it be decent to frequent the theatres, when they are Academies. All Formality of Garb is to be absolutely condemned, and all the distinction betwixt the Rich Man and the Poor must be, that the former extend Relief, and the latter receive it; and Virtue and Valour shall make the difference betwixt the Nobleman and Commoner, for those Virtues were the foundation of all ancient Nobility. I will here drop a few words out of Plato, let him that has need of them gather them up, for I don't know to what purpose I bring them, but some body or other perhaps may know to what purpose he spoke them in the 3d Dialogue, De repub. vel de Justo. They are these. Igitur rempublicam administrantibus praecipue, si quibus aliis mentiri licet, vel hostium, vel civium causa in communem civitatis utilitatem, reliquis autem a mendacio abstinendum est. If it be lawful to any to Lie, it is chief allowable to them who govern the Commonwealth, either on account of the Enemies, or Citizens for the common advantage of the City, all others are to abstain from Lying. I cannot but reflect, that whereas the Catholic Church condemns this Doctrine of Plato's Commonwealth, yet there are many that value themselves upon being his Commonwealth. Let us now come to what is proposed by the Subjects of Kings. These complain, that they are all become Elective, because those who are and continue Hereditary, elect Favourites, who become Kings by their Election. This is that enrages them, because the French tell us that Princes, who for the better government of their Kingdoms wholly give themselves up to their Favourites, are like Galley Slaves who travel by force, turning their Backs to the Port they go to; and that the Favourites are like Jugglers, who the more they deceive the more they entertain, and the better they conceal their slight from the Eyes, and baffle the Senses and Understanding, the more they are valued and praised by him that pays for their Tricks to divert himself. Their chief Art consists in making him believe that is full which is empty, that there is something where there is nothing, that those are Wounds in others which are but Bruises in his Armour, and that they throw away what they hid with their Hand. They say they give him Money, and when he looks upon it he finds Dirt or Rubbish. These Companions are vile, but these Men make use of them for want of better, and so they affirm those Kings are equally to blame who will not be what the great God made them, and those who would be what he made them not. They presume to say, that an absolute Favourite brings upon Kings the same that Death does upon Man, (i. e.) Novam formam cadaveris. A new Form of a Carcase, to which follows Worms and Corruption, according to the Opinion of Aristotle, in his Prince. Fit resolutio usque ad materiam primam, that is, there remains nothing of what was, but the bare resemblance. So much for this Point. Next let us go upon the Complaints against Tyrants, and the reason there is for them. For my own part I know not who I speak of, or who I speak not of, whoever understands me may explain me. Aristole says, He is a Tyrant who has more regard to his private Interest than to the Public. Whosoever can tell Tale or Tidings of any who are not comprehended under this definition, may give an account of them, and they shall be well rewarded. They complain more grievously against Tyrants who receive benefits of them, than they that are oppressed by them; for the Benefits of Tyrants make Men Criminals and Accomplices, and their Severity proves them Virtuous and Deserving. They are of such a Nature, that Innocence in their Dominions must he miserable that it may be happy. A Tyrant in respect of his Covetousness and Avarice is a Wild Beast, in respect of his Pride a Devil, and in respect of his Riotousness and Luxury all manner of Wild Beasts and Devils. No body conspires against a Tyrant sooner than himself; whence it follows, 'tis easier to kill a Tyrant than to endure him. The favour of a Tyrant is ever fatal, the greatest good he does him he favours most, is to delay doing him harm. Polyphemus in Homer is the Emblem of Tyrants. He favoured Ulysses, discoursing with him, and enquiring into his Merits, he heard his Entreaties, saw his Distress, and all the Kindness he offered him was, that after eating all his Companions he would devour him last. Let no Man hope more favour from a Tyrant that devours those under his power, than to be the last eaten; and it is to be observed, that though the Tyrant grants it as a favour, he that is to be eaten takes the delay for an addition of Cruelty. He that is to devour you after all the rest, gins to eat you in all those he eats before you. The longer he delays feeding on you, the longer you have to lament you shall become his Food. Ulysses was preserved by the Giant as Sustenance, not as a Guest. To keep him in his Den in order to transfer him to his Stomach, was more like burying him alive than entertaining him. Ulysses put him to sleep with excess of Wine. The Bane of Tyrants is sleep. You that are subject to them cast them into a sleep, harden your Spikes at the Fire, put out their Eyes, for that done it was no body did what every one desired should be done. The Tyrant Polyphemus cried, Nobody had blinded him, because Ulysses with wonderful sagacity had told him his Name was Nobody. He named him with desire of revenge, and defended him by the double meaning of the Word. Tyrants themselves excuse those that kill them, or put out their Eyes. Ulysses made his escape disguised with a Sheep's Skin among the Sheep he kept. That which a Tyrant most carefully preserves, preserves his destroyer against him. Having premised thus much, it remains to tell you, that we Subjects are met here this day to consult how we may defend ourselves against the Arbitrary Power of those who either mediate, or immediately govern kingdoms and Commonwealths▪ The chief Heads I have to offer to this purpose are these. That all Councillors be fixed for ever in their Posts, without hoping to rise a step higher, because there is no room for Application or Justice, where a Man has one Charge and aims at another, and the Ambition of ascending to another more eminent Employment makes him look upon himself as a Passenger not a Resident, so that his Charge serves only to purchase, that he aspires to, and being thus, distracted he attends neither, not that he has, because he designs to leave it, nor that he desires because as yet he has it not. Every Man is useful in that Post where he has gained Experience; and troublesome where he learns the first Rudiments, because they remove from Business they were versed in, to that they do not understand. What Honours are conferred on them must still be such as are proper to their Profession, not mixing Civil and Military, lest the Sword and the Gown render the Habit disagreeable, for the Gown is cumbersome to the Sword, and the Sword disdains to be hid under the Gown. The next thing is, that Rewards be indispensable, that is, not only that they be not bestowed on the unworthy, but that they be not permitted to pretend to them, for if the Reward of Virtue be exhausted on Vice, the Prince or Commonwealth will be rob of their greatest Treasure, and the Metal of which the Recompense consists will become base and contemptible. Neither the Deserving nor Undeserving must expect it, the former because it must be immediately given him, the latter because he must never have it. Gold and Diamonds were better employed in making Fetters to secure Criminals, than in Military and Honourable Ensigns bestowed on Vagabonds and Vicious Persons. This Doctrine was well received among the Romans, who with a Branch of Laurel or Oak rewarded more Wounds, and Victories over Cities, Provinces and Kingdoms, than it bore Leaves. Let only the Brave and Experienced be admitted to Counsels of State and War; let the Blood they have spilt and their Qualifications, not the Pride of long Genealogies, be their Recommendation. The Brave and Fortunate are to be preferred to Military Employments. To be Fortunate as well as Valiant is a great addition. Lucan gives this advice,  
— Fatis accede, Deisque,  
Et cole felices, miseros fuge.  
I have always read these Words with delight, and this admirable Poet (let who will deny it) with attention as preferable to all but Homer for Politics and Military Sense. The Courts of Justice are to be filled with Learned and Disinterested Persons. He who is not Covetous, is subservient to no Vice, because Vices induce the Interest for which they are sold. Let them know the Laws, but not more than the Laws. Let them cause them to be obeyed, not make them obedient to their Wills. This is the very Touchstone of Judgement. I have said, you may now say what occurs, and propose the most convenient and practicable Redress against your Grievances. He ceased, and the Auditors being a multitude of several Nations and Languages, there ensued such a confused buzzing of unintelligible Jargons', that it sounded as if the whole Clack of the Tower of Babel had been turned lose in that place. They understood not themselves, nor one another. All was filled with Contention and Discord, and by their Looks and Actions they appeared like an Assembly of People Distracted, or Possessed. Then the Congregation of Shepherds, to whom the Sheepskins bound about with Slings are rather a reproach than a defence against the Wether, said. They must be heard immediately before any others, because their Sheep had rebelled, saying, that they had kept them from the Wolves who eat them by one at a time, to the end they themselves might shear, flea, kill, and sell them all at at once. And that since the Wolves at most devoured, one, two, ten, or twenty, their design was, that the Wolves should guard them against the Shepherds, not the Shepherds against the Wolves. That they looked upon the Hunger of their Enemies as less prejudicial to them, than the Avarice of their Guardians, and had brought the Shepherd's Dogs as Evidence against them. There was not one Soul but said, We guess what they would be at, the Sheep are no Fools if they bring this to pass. At this stand they were when the Hour affected them, and being all enraged, some cried, We are for the Wolves; Others, They are all Wolves; Others, It is all the same thing; Others, They are all bad; and many others contradicted them. The Lawyers perceiving them ready to fall to Loggerheads, in order to appease them said. It was a Case that required mature Deliberation, therefore advised to defer it till the next day, and to have recourse to the Churches to implore a Blessing on their Debates. The Frenchmen hearing that Word, cried out, If there must be recourse to the Churches we are undone, and we fear the same should befall us as did the Owl when she was sick. She advising about her Distemper with the Fox, whom she judged the most skilful among the Beasts, and also with the Rook whom she took for a Physician because she often saw him upon Carrion Mules, they told her there was no remedy for her but to repair to the Temples, The Owl hearing their Opinion answered, Then my Case is desperate if the remedy is only to be found in those Holy Places, for I have left them all in the dark, sucking the Oil out of the Lamps, and there is not an Idol that I have not bewrayed. The Italian hearing this Discourse, with all his might cried out. The Comparison is allowed you, and we make bold to put you and all such as feed upon the Church in mind of what Homer relates of the Mice, when they fought with the Frogs, for than they having recourse to the Gods for their assistance, all the Deities excused themselves, some saying they had gnawed their Hands, others their Feet, others their Garments, others their Crowns, and others the Tips of their Noses, so that there was none but miss some part of his Image, and bore the marks of their Teeth. Apply this Fable you Calvinist, Lutheran, and Huguenot Mice, and then consider who is there in Heaven to relieve you. Good God, what a hideous Tumult and Hurlibury the Monsieurs raised against the poor Italian, the Confusion of Hell is nothing compared to it. The whole Multitude ran great danger in endeavouring to pacify them. At length with held but no silence, they all parted, all complaining of what they endured, and every one raving, that he might change his Condition with another.  

The Hour expires, Jove stops further Proceed.  As these things were in agitation upon Earth, and the Gods attentively looking on, the Sun said. The Hour is now at the last gasp, and the Shade of the Gnomon will in a trice touch the Number Five. Great Father of all, do thou determine whether Fortune shall proceed before the Hour expire, or else wheel and roll back as she used to do. Jove answered, I have observed, that during this Hour which gave to every Man what he deserved, those who because they were poor and despicable, were also humble, are become proud and intolerable; and those who being rich and respected were consequently vicious, perverse, arrogant, and wicked, seeing themselves poor and abject, are become penitent, bashful, and pious, so that the consequence is, that those who were good Men are become Knaves, and the Knaves good Men. This little time may suffice to satisfy the Complaints of Mortals, who seldom know what they ask of us, for such is their frailty, that he who does ill when he can, forbears when he can do it no longer, and this is not repentance, but a forced refraining from wickedness. Oppression and Misery curb, but do not correct them. Honour and Prosperity make them act, that which if they had sooner attained them they would always have acted. Let Fortune direct her Wheel and Globe in their former course, and cause Merits in the Wise, and Punishment to the Senseless, wherein our infallible Providence and Divine Presence shall always be assisting to her. Let all Men receive what she distributes, that is, either Frowns or Smiles, since neither are bad in themselves, for patiently enduring the former, and magnanimously contemning the latter, they both become equally advantageous. And let him that receives and makes his misfortune of what he takes to himself, complain of himself, and not of Fortune, who gives to all indifferently and without favour or affection. We permit Fortune to complain against Men, who making a wrong use of their Prosperity or Adversity, defame and curse her.  

Fortune restores her Wheel to its former motion.  At this time it struck Five, And the Hour of all Men was at an end. Then Fortune well pleased with what Jove had said, changing Hands, began again to ravel up the Cares of the World, and unwind what was wound backwards, which done fixing her Globe on the Regions of the Air, she slid down as if it had been upon Ice, till she found herself upon Earth.  

The Gods take leave, and break up the Assembly.  Vulcan, that Blacksmith God who keeps time with his Hammer, cried, It is hungry Wether, and I being in haste to obey, left two Ropes of Garlic a roasting at my Forge, to break my fast with the Cyclops. All-ruling Jove ordered Meat to be brought, and immediately there appeared Iris (Chambermaid to Juno) with Nectar, and Ganymede with a Platter of Ambrosia. Juno, who spied him by her Husband's side, and had more mind to suck his Blood than to swill the Heavenly Liquor, spitting Fire, and hissing like an Adder when his Tail had been trod, said, Either this Bardash or I must reign in Olympus, or else I will sue for a Divorce in Hymen's Court. Had not the Eagle the Rogue bestrided slunk away with him, she had made Hawks Meat of him with her Nails. Jove began to blow his Thunderbolt, and she said, I will snatch it from you, to destroy that Sodomite Page. Minerva, the Product of Jupiter's Noddle, who, had he been a Blockhead, could ne'er have been born, with fair Words soothed Juno enraged with the sight of her Husbands Vile Cup bearer. But Venus in a sum heightened her Jealousy, scolding like a Butter-whore, and rated Jove as if he had been a Chimney-sweeper. Then Mercury letting lose his Clack, said, All would do well, and therefore desired them not to disturb the Heavenly Banquet. Mars seeing the Ambrosia handed about in China Dishes, like a roaring Bully Deity cried out; Damn your Coffee-Dishes, let the Moon and other Petty Goddesses drink out of them. Then mixing Bacchus and Neptune, he swallowed down both the Gods at two or three pulls, and laying hold of Pan he sliced him out, and cutting up his Flocks of Sheep, devoured them by Wholesale. Saturn stayed his Stomach with half a dozen Children. Mercury, like a true Spunger, stuck close to Venus, who was cramming her Chaps with Biscuits and Sugar Plums. Pluto drew out of his Snapsack some Griskins, Proserpina had provided for his Journey; Vulcan, who stood gaping, perceiving it, came limping towards him, and courteously intruding himself with much Ceremony, began to lay on and swallow. The Sun, who is the Father of Jollity, pulling out his Lute, sung a Hymn in praise of Jupiter, running division without end. Venus and Mars being offended at the gravity of the Tune, and seriousness of the Words, he to the harmony of a pair of Tongues roared out a Bawdy Song, and she rattling a pair of overgrown Castinets, danced a Jig as if she would have skipped over the Heavens, and shaken herself to Atoms, tickling with her wanton motions the Hearts of all the Gods. Her Dance set them all into such an itching, that they could not hold their Hands or Feet still. Jove, whose Mouth watered at the lend Motions of the Goddess, said; This is a Farewell to Ganymede, and no Quarrel. He gave them Leave, and they being all full and satisfied, slunk away, crying, The Devil take the hindmost; and the lot fell to the Eagle-striding Cupbearer.  
FINIS.