WALLOGRAPHY; OR The Britton Described: BEING A Pleasant Relation of a Journey into Wales, wherein are set down several Remarkable Passages that occurred in the way thither.  
AND ALSO Many choice Observables, and notable Commemorations, concerning the State and Condition, the Nature and Humour, Actions, Manners, Customs, etc. of that Country and People.  
By W. R. a mighty Lover of Welsh Travels.  
LONDON, Printed for Obadiah Blagrave at the Bear in St. Paul's Churchyard, 1682.   

To Sir Richard Wenman OF CASSWELL In the County of Oxford Baronet.  
SIR!  
HAving had the Honour to be employed in a Negotiation between an English Gentleman and the Ancient Britons, I was not only upon the Borders, and (as it were) the Limbs of Wales, but have travelled through the (very Bowels of the Country; in which Journey there did salute me so many occurrences worthy of observation, that I could not forbear a Description of them, and from presenting you with the (as I may say) Wallography of my Voyage.  
I make bold to imitate one Alexander of Greece, who still as he went dragooning about the World, described the wander, and (as it were) the 
* Tom Coriat was a silly Traveler, who in King James his time beat upon the hoof about two or three thousand miles, and returned home as very a Coxcomb as he went out. See his Travels called his Crudities.  Tom Coriatism of his Expeditions; only in this I shall differ from him, whereas he gave only a bare Image and Portraiture of the Country, I shall draw the Character of the Inhabitants, and shall not only express in a Map or Table the mere Picture of the Place, and tell you that here stands one Tow● and twenty Miles off stands another, but my Design is to give you a Narrative of what I observed concerning the Nature of the (1) Soil, and of the (2) Inhabitants, their Original, Persons, Diet, Apparel, Language, Laws, Customs, Policy, etc.  
But what need I go so far as Macedonia for a Pattern, seeing we have so many Precedents at home? For one tells us in Octavo that he hath been at Constantinople; another that he hath been at Vienna; a third that he hath been in Spain; and why may not I tell the World in a little Book that I have been in Wales? When a Fellow hath either a Maggot in his Pate, or a Breeze in his Tail, that he cannot six long in a place; or perhaps when he hath entitled himself by some misdemeanours either to the Pillory or Gibbet, to disinherit himself of his deserved Right, he flirt's into Holland, or is transported into some Foreign Country; where conversing a little while, he thrusts into th' World the History of his Adventures, he varnisheth over his Banishment with the Name of Travel, and styles that his Recreation which was indeed his Punishment, and so dignifies a Ramble by the name of Journey. He tells what Wonderments have surprised him, what Fragments of Antiquity have amazed him, what Structures have ravished him, what hills have tired him; in a word, he is big with Descriptions, and obliges you with the Narrative of all his Observations and Notices; seeing every one almost that hath but untrussed in a Foreign Country, will have his Voyage recorded, and every Letter-Carrier beyond Sea would be thought a Drake or a Gandish, I thought with myself why may not I have the liberty of relating my Journey, and of communicating my Observations to Mankind. I must confess my Pilgrimage was not far, but perhaps it was chequered with as great variety both of Pleasure and Peril as a longer Progress; neither are my remarks very solemn and stately, but yet they were such as gratified my curiosity, and pleased my humour as well as the Observations of longer Journals.  
Such as they are (Sir!) I humbly crave leave to devote them to your Perusal, as the most signal Testimony of that venerable Esteem I have for you. I wave your Panegyric, and forbear to Rhetoricate or to descant in your Praise. You are too Copious a Subject even for the most Transcendent Oratory. I list not to display your Personal Accomplishments, which are so eminent and conspicuous already in the World. I know an Attempt of that Nature would be too great a Violence to your Modesty, and I am sure too hard a Task for my Capacity. My present Business (Sir!) is to put this little Book into your Hand, and to desire you to Honour the Author in accepting, and to Divert yourself in reading of it; for possibly you may find so much Comedy in this Walk, as may dispose you to smile away an hour in the perusal of it. The Relations are not common and ordinary, and perhaps as pleasant as they are rare and unusual. I do not know that any Traveler jogging in the same Road hath given the same Account of Things, or hath made the same Descriptions which I here present you with; so that my Remarks are spick and span new, and if they are ridiculous, they are not unlike the Persons upon whom they are written. For the Welsh People are a pretty odd sort of Mortals, and I hope I have given you a pretty odd Character of them, and so I think I am pretty even with them for Oddness. A Taphy is observed to be a Trickish, Animal, that hath a Vein of Jackpuddinism running through alls his Actions, and therefore I thought if not improper to sprinkle here and there somewhat of the Blew-jacket, and to Merry-Andrew my Progress a little farther as I went with jocund Observations, that the History might be agreeable to the Matter it Treats of. So that if a Welshman is a Jest, as all the World account him a Living Pun, a walking Conundrum, and a breathing Witticism; Then have I made one Joke upon another.  
I am not unsensible that Papers of another Nature and Complexion are more agreeable to that Character you bear in the World; Machiavelli and Malvezzi, or some discourse of the Maxims of Policy, would be a more suitable Subject for your Contemplation: But (Sir!) I pretend not to instruct you for the Parliament-house, but to direct you by the Fireside.  
Now for the Conclusion of all; If there are any Good Things in Wales, the enjoyment whereof is worth the wishing you, I pray Heaven to crown you with the Fruition of them: But possibly it may be a Province not much crowded with Blessings; may you therefore Flourish in the Affluence of good English Mercies; may you always possess good English Riches, Health and Honours, and all other Happinesses and Prosperities of our own Nation!  
I am, (Worthy Sir!) Your very Humble Servant. W. R. Helmdon, Octob. 24.1681.   

WALLOGRAPHY OR The Britton described, etc.  
UPon the First of June 1673, having taken leave of my Friends, and received a Message, a little tiny Errand to be uttered by word of mouth, together with a Letter to be delivered into the hands of one of the most Reverend Taphies, I began to have some thoughts of rigging myself out for mine intended Voyage; and to that end I spatterdashed my Legs with a pair of Cuckold's boots, and either adorned or furnished my hand with battooning Cudgel, and having entertained in my Retinue a whole Distich of Spannels.  
Upon the Fourth of June, I turned one side upon London, and the other toward Wales; the Country which was so be the Period and Term of my Journey. We traveled all that day with much pleasure, being treated as we went, with the Delicacies of Nature: the Air was kind and soft; the Fields were trim and neat; the Sun benign and cherishing; the whole Creation was obliging, and from every thing we met, we received a Civility; so that this first day passed over with much satisfaction. I do not remember that we saw any thing remarkable, unless 'twas a Fellow driving a tired Cow, whose slow motion he now and then quickened by wring the Pendulum of her Tail, and (as it were) curling it into a screw he twisted her forward, and bored the Air with this Living Augre; Me-thoughts a very pretty trick to make a wimble of his Beast, and a handsome way to insinuate her along, and to improve her pace. 'Twas far beyond the courtship of a wisp of hay, in regard Fear urges more than Flattery can allure, and all Creatures are more ready to ease their Backs, than to fill their Bellies; how Scorpions pretty crabbedly applied will make a thing caper, and increase his Career far beyond the temptation of Cake and Marmalade! and a Cat of Ninetails will drive better than a dish of Sweetmeats can invite and draw. This was the Method the Bumpkin used to advance the progressive Motion of the Animal; which indeed is far different from the Custom and Practice of the Croatians; For whereas this man made his Beast proceed by thrusting at one end, the Tail; They make their tired Jades jog on by putting at the other, the Foretop. We began to subscribe to Cartesius' opinion, that Animals were Engines; For 'tis like, the Clockwork of the Cow was somewhat disordered, and the Machine (like a Jack) was run down and (rood still, till this Artist wound it up, and set the movements a going.  
Being indifferently refreshed by the virtue of that Passage, we went forward very courageously, and after a little time were presented with the prospect of another Scene, which was laid in a Meadow by a Riverside, where we overtook a Rat-catcher and a Fisherman disputing Precedency, and the Preeminency of their Professions: The Rat-catcher argued that his Calling was most worthy, in regard the object of his Art was a vocal Creature, whereas that of the Fisherman's was dumb and silent; besides Rats are educated in Courts and Palaces, are more choicely bred, and have a more delicate diet, than Fish, to feed on; Plentiful Reversions of Rost and Boiled, luxurious fragments, and the magnificent ruin: of Pudding and Pastry are their common dishes; only sometimes they pop on a piece of Bread and Butter not of so wholesome a relish, that is, a little Arsenic spread for ●um on the trencher of a Chip, these are the Viands of this domestic Vermin; whereas Worms and Flies, and vile Infects, and perhaps a hook to boot, are the best Fare that is eaten by Fishes. The Fisherman replied, that Fish themselves were food for men, but it was never known that Rats were in season, unless in the extremity of a Siege or Famine.  
We left these Fellows very hot in controversy, which could not be decided, and passed on, till at length we arrived to a little knot, or Asterism of houses standing, or rather lying on the Crump of a Hill, raised somewhat proudly above the ordinary level; and methoughts, looked down with somewhat of Disdain upon the Humble Valleys. Who was the Founder of this Hamlet is not certainly known, but we perceived the Thacker had been a great Benefactor. As for the Nativity of the Place, the Foundation was laid under an unfortunate Configuration of the Heavens: so that the Tinkers and Cobblers, and the dregs of mankind that dwelled there, expected not Prosperity, nor hoped to be advanced and sublimated into the Flower of the People. The main stress of Government lay upon the shoulder of a single man, who was a Bearward by Office, and being the most substantial Person was thought fit to be invested with the sole Authority of the Township; A most proper Magistrate for such wild Savages! We observed that this Village had as many ways into it, as it had ways out of it, which were equal in number to the Points of the Compass. The purling Brook that crawled by it, the reeking Dunghill that breathed within it, the crook-backed Elm that stands cringing near it, and the Pack- saddle Steeple that stood squinting over it, made a pretty Draught of an handsome Landscape.  
The Inhabitants of this place were much addicted to the vice of Stealing; every thing sticks to their Pitchy Fingers, and they have such an attractive virtue, that, wherever they come, all things troth after the Magnetism of their Persons. A Fellow squotting upon a cricket in a room we were in, and rising up from his seat, the stool on a sudden (as if tacked to his A—) immediately marched after him, to the great amazement of the woman of the house, who did not suspect that his Bum had hands, or that her Stool so nimbly could have used its legs. Another espying a Cylinder of Bag-pudding pretty thick in the waist lolling upon the table, whilst the Hostess turned her back, in the very twinkling of her head, pocussed it into Fob, and so shrouded its Dimensions into a second Bag.  
The approaching night and our wearied limbs compelled us to lodge among these Tenements; Having almost worn out ourselves by tedious Travel, we resolved here to repair our breeches: But (alas!) this mending (I allude to Taylourism) was little better than mere Botching. For, whereas we thought to have renewed nature, and to have recreated our Palates with the pleasant wholesomeness of Rural Delicacies, we could scarce so much as even patch her up with the hurden Accommodations of a red-latticed Inn; The foretop of a Carrot, and a few parched Pease were our choicest Provender, which filled our cavities so full of wind, that we thought we had got the Four Quarters in our Bells, which made such Squibs of our Breeches, that (like the fifth of November) we were continually discharging of Rockets and Crackers.  
The next day dressed with Aurora, nay before she had put on her Indian gown, we set out with the Sun, who bearing us company but a little while withdrew into an apartment behind a cloud, at whose absence the Heavens frowning and contracting their brows, did presently fall a crying and wept such plentiful showers of tears, that they moistened our skins with the Deluge of their Grief. But that which terrified us most of all, was water which we saw of several colours, sometimes red, and sometimes black; which put us in mind of those Prodigious Rains the Philosophers speak of, Blood and Ink; But overtaking a Collier and Red-ochre man, we perceived 'twas the Distillations of their Buggets. But that which gave wings to time, and made it fly merrily while we were in the company of these Vagrants, were the frequent Quarrels that were broached between them, which at length were improved into severe Buffet. The Object of both their Occupations lies hid in the Earth, and they work like Moles, whose Employ is underground, and (like a certain Fish) they take their colour from the place they converse in. The Collier thumped with tincturing-fist the Red-man, black; and the Red-man died with Vermilion-blow the Blackman, red; so that we never saw before such a particoloured Combat, such a Fools-coated conflict, wherein the stout Champions were so mutually disguised, that they seemed to be Amphituoed, and to be wholly transformed into each others Person.  
After another days Travel in Dust and Sun, we saluted a good handsome Town, not a little resembling in crookedness a middlesized shooing horn; At the entrance into it, the uncarpetness (as I may say) of the Floor, or (in other words) the unevenness of the streets somewhat dislocating the position of our almost tripped up feet, had like to have demolished us, and to have thrown us down backward, but to prevent the Soloecism of kissing the place at wrong end, we recovered our fall, and went bolt upright into the navel of the Coporation, where there was such an Assembly of Provision as represented a market, which was unhappily disturbed by an unfortunate accident; For a certain Bull of an uncertain man having mistaken his box, and taken pepper in the nose instead of Snush, and being enraged and heated by the virtue of the Spice, took a risk about the Cross, and emptied by his Ramble all Stalls and Panniers; so that this Brisk Customer made a scrambling kind of Dinner for the whole Country; who was riding upon one another's backs for Viands and Booty, and was tumbling among the ruins of Bakers, Victuallers, and Costermongers. We were informed that this Town was much infested with the unwelcome Visitants, Rats and Mice; insomuch that the Inhabitants have a Rat-catcher at a certain Pension, as the only Talis-man against such noxious Vermin.  
Having left this Town behind us, we come to a Wood on our left hand, nigh unto which was a discontented Fountain murmuring as it run (we did not inquire a what) and bubbling forth seemingly much Dissatisfaction. This wood was a promiscuous Babble of all vegetables. A throng of trees of all ranks and qualities; we refreshed ourselves a little under this natural Arbour, and being pretty and cheerful in this circumstance of Place; one of our Caravan began to express his joy in some notes of Music, who as soon as he began to strike up with his Pite (thinking he had but one) he presently perceived it to be multiplied into an Organ, and wondered (with the Bumpkin that pulled at the Bellows) that he had so much Harmony in him. For you must know hereabouts dwelled a thing called an Echo, who as soon as she heard but Sol, Fa, whipped! she improved the melody into a noise and consort: and presently increased those single notes into the whole Gamut; and most neatly played the wag with the tail of his voice! being a very pretty Songster, that sings well by th' Ear. But while Lugier was solaced with the tattling Reverberation of voice, our eyes were ravished with a most delicate Prospect; For here was a most pleasant champion piece of ground, which extending and roaming itself some Furlongs in length, was furnished with all the Excellency that ever commended the most transporting Elysium; the Air was lullabyed as still and quiet as Dormant Infant; the Day was Orient, bright and clear; the Earth (like a Forester) was clad in green. The Figure of this Field was a Parallellogrammum, the Style was situate South-East-by North, and consisted of a climax of three rails, over which we conveyed ourselves by Elevation of Leg; near the entrance into the Meadow, we observed an hole or casement in the hedge, which we perceived the Hogs had oftentimes threaded; but the Hedger had glazed it with a pane of Furze.  
Having ambled over some Furlongs on this (as it were) Newmarket Heath, we perceived it to degenerate and to grow worse and worse, and (like an handsome neck of Mutton) to determine in the unevenness of a Rock, or Scrag. A little while after we wound a Cordwainer, who (as he told us) was newly recovered from a sad mischance; For walking carelessly, one day he happened to have a fall, and to squot his Breech upon an Hedgehog, which he carried away as cleverly, (it clinging to his Buttocks) as if he had sat upon a ball of his wax; whether there is a sympathy between a Shoemaker's tail, and the skin of an Urchin, or whether the bristles of the Creature entered the pores of his Backside, we list not to decide that controversy now; but however the mortal complained that it was an uneasy cushion, and that that Spinny of Awls had made a cullender of his A—: But being not much concerned at the cerebrosity of his seivy Bum; The Ilet-holes whereof being not very deep, we went together, till we arrived to the roughness of the forementioned Downs, which did somewhat decline into an uneven Precipice, whose craggy stairs as soon as we had descended, we stumbled upon an House, or a Dunghill modelled into the shape of a Cottage, whose outward surface was so all to-be-negroed with such swarthy plaster, that it appeared not unlike a great blot of Cow-turd: This Structure stradled over about eight els of ground, above the surface whereof the Eves were advanced about two Yards, and the Chimney peeped out about a Foot above the Eves; the light flowed in through the old circumference of a bottomless Peck; which being stuck in the Thatch, supplied the place of an Orbicular Casement. The Door-way was a breach in the wall toward one end, which being of a dwarfish size, i. e. two Foot lower in stature than an ordinary Man, we were forced to abridge our Dimensions, and to creep in. The Parlour, Hall, Kitchen, i. e. one Room within was prettily adomed with the Poetry of Ballads; a crippled Pipkin with a broken shin, near allied to a Dish of the same matter; a vocal Spoon with a Whistle at the end; and a Tipsy Cradle reeling in the corner, (methoughts) were a pretty sort of Goods, and not unhandsome Furniture. A whole Litter of Children was strewed upon the Floor; only one Mopp-headed Boy was Triposed on a Cricket, and blew the Fire; The carved Mantletree seemed to be defended by a little wood●n Fellow furiously strutting in an Oa●on Cloak; and we perceived the Window was endorsed with the Pictured of a Fly. We observed that the bulky Cupboard was a Nuisance to the whole Family of Hooshold-stuff, which it had mightily disobliged by entrenching on their Liberties, they grudging it so much room; and indeed the Table, Bed, and other Utensils have not suffered a little detriment by its injurious Contiguity. We had a Prospect of whole Territories about this Building, which though not large, yet were exceedingly well fortified; a little Hedge being a palizado on one side, and a narrow Trench instead of a Bulwark on the other: The Continuity of the Mound was violated by a Notch in the corner to set a Style in; over which when we had passed, we espied a Bank like a little Hybla, caped with a Hive of Bees, which this small Eden curiously carved, and (as it were) Quincunxed into a Knot, did feast with the moisture of its delicious Flowers. Leaving the Phylacteries of this Yard, we met the Good-Housewife of this little Tenement with her Tippet bristling, her Mouth mumping, and her Hands knitting; she had a Cade Lamb at her Rear, attending upon her, and a Kitten in the Van, conducting her home.  
We followed our Noses from hence, and were directed by the Clue of a long Hedge; which after a great extent in length, we found to be Tagged with a rough Lane; turning from which a little toward the right, we overtook a Church standing (like an Ace) and moping by itself, at some distance from the Town; which whether it run from the Parish, or the Parish from it, we are not as yet informed; though we have most reason to suspect the latter; in regard as to outward appearance the weak Constitution of the Fabric seemed not much to be addicted to run. It seemed to be very crazy, and had a muffler of Ivy, which we presume were instead of Crutches; For whereas that feeble Vegetable is usually upheld by the walls it clings to, we believe it was a Buttress here to support the Walls. But having saddened our Aspect with the melancholy looks of this desolate Temple, we took our leave of it, and shot directly down a Balk upon that profane Town to which it seemed to stand related. At our first salutation whereof, we chanced to pop into a dapper Alehouse, mightily stuffed with a huge Hostess, whose moisture distilling through the Pores of her Body, and being somewhat turned through excessive heat, struck our olfactive Nerves with so great a sowrness, that we had quite been overcome with this Vessel of Vinegar, had she not too much joged herself by an unhappy fall, and spilt a great quantity of her unctuous Liquor.  
The Shoemaker conjectured that she had lost about five or six pound (averdupois) from her Rear behind, and presently concluded that she was in great danger of hanging all a-one-side, unless some charitable Person should poise her with thrust of Assisting Nose. We had scarce primed our Pipes, but in comes a Law-jobber, accompanied with the Bum-brusher, or Schoolmaster of the place, who after some time, took occasion to show their skill and breeding at Fisticuffs, but (thanks to the Stars) without any danger to their Professions; For they did not so much aim at the head, as levelly their fury at each others heels, where their knowledge was supposed not to lie, though some hold that they have as much Learning at one end as they have at the other. The most remarkable thing in this Village was a Carrot-pate house at the Posteriours of the Town; it was covered, with Tile, and was curiously contrived after the Italian Models. The Master that did animate, or the 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 of this Stone-carcass (they told us) was lately dead: His Distemper was a Quarrel between his Belly and his Back; the one being bursten took pet and run away from the other, so that the poor Man being at a loss for a place to put his Victuals, in, died with a conceit.  
S. Crispin's Disciple having a Mistress in this Lordship, and being almost within the Atmosphere of her presence, began to wind her, and had a great tendency to the place where she was; so that I might as soon expect that a stone should fall beyond the centre, as that this Gentle-crafts-man should budge further; wherefore nothing was expected now but an immediate Divorce from each others company; but before we parted, he obliged me with the Prospect both of her Person and Fortune. As for the first, as soon as I saw it, I had greater reason to congratulate my Eyesight than I had before; for she was blest with a most ravishing Aspect, and a snug Face, most prodigiously graced with a dainty fine Nose, fastened in its middle; which is not like some Snouts that look more upon one Cheek, than they do upon the other, but shows equal respect to both, not at all disobliging the right by fleering too much on the . And then for her Eyes, they are excellent at twireing, and will be sure to keep her Nose safe, (I'll warrant you) for one looks one way, and the other another. The Woman had a Mouth too, which was somewhat bigger than that of a Musket, though not twice as big as the capacious bore of a Blue Noggin. This Mouth she put but to one use, and that's the same that we put ours to, that is to eat three or tout Meals in a day; for it seems whereas other Women often use theirs in prating and twattling, we perceived that this saved her Mouth and spoke through her Nose. As we have given you the Picture of her Person, so now let's present you with a Landscape of her Fortune. As for her Lands, that is, Pasture-ground, and Meadow, we could not discern, but that (like a spot upon the Globe) they took but little room upon the surface of the Earth, and (like the Possessions of Alcibiades) were but a little speck to the World. A little Muck would dung her Fallow; one high Table T— (to speak in the Oxford Dialect) will much enrich it, and an Ear of Corn will go near to sow it; 'tis like she hath Grass enough for a couple of Rabbits. Having surveyed the Paramour, and the Portion of this Nivelling Cobbler, after a single sip of six out of a Tin Pot, and a Triple go-down out of a cup of Double; after a right-line scrape with left Leg; and uncouth doffing of a bad Bonnet, after slinking a Compliment by way of thanks for his Society, attended by his Coblerhood to the confines of a Yard, at the clasping together of two lowering Gates in the presence of a Corpulent and Burly Elm, I solemnly took leave of my Fellow-Traveller. After his departure I was forced to beguile away the time in the shady solitude of silent thoughts, which before I spent in the brisker Entertainments of Discourse and Dialogue: I had not long busied my faculties with inward speculations, but I met with variety of Objects courting with their Flatteries my almost distracted Contemplations. I saw Three Stones so artificially set, that they represented the Figure of a convenient Style. Methoughts the Architecture of it was very curious; for one stone about a Foot square, being placed perpendiculary upright, its Northern Extremity was crossed by another at right Angles; on the other side whereof was erected another perpendicular correspondent to the former. The Position of these Materials made a pretty Fabric, over which a Man might commodiously pass; its surface was smooth, not tufted with snags, which are always catching and snarling at your , to the great Disguise and Damage of your Breeches; about two yards distant there was a Cross delved in the Earth, which seemed either an Argument of Popish Superstition, or a Sign or Mark of the Parish Selvidge.  
Departing from hence, we moved through a Close very popalous with Mutton; there being, (as it were) a whole Academy of Sheep sizeing on a Hay-rick, not bottled out into Commons, but Geometrically carved into good Sexangular Luncheons. 'Twas Foot-cloathed (as it were) with Straw near five yards about, upon which were tumbling a Bagpiper, and an Ho●us, who wantoned so long till (like Dogs) at last their Play determined in a sharp conflict. The Man of Music buffeted the Juggler to some tune, who adding two or three howls to the Notes of his Drone-pipe, by cleanly conveyance did vanish from him. The Piper appeared of a tawny Complexion, his Nose bending with an Arch upward; his Eyes being somewhat hollow, seemed to increase the promontory of his jetting Forehead. In a word, there was charm enough in his Aspect; He was well built, his whole Frame and contexture was sweet and regular; I must needs say, I have seldom met with any handsomer Model, or Platform of a Man. But though his Person was neat and uniform, yet his habit and garb was full of deformity, and there were as many Soloecisms and Incohoerencies on these, as there was Congruities and Beauty commendable in that. He wore a Miscellany of Apparel, a Gallimasry of , as I humbly conceive, 'twas a Tithe Suit, composed of various and several sorts; such a Club of Rags, and Randesvouz of Fragments, must needs be a Collection (like the Jerkin of the Jay) of several Feathers from divers Birds. His Doublet (which indeed was but one great Patch in Folio) was very heterogeneous from the rest of his Attire; he had worn his Lappets into perfect Fringe, (so that he seemed to be surrounded with the remnant of a Curtain) and had thin'd his Elbows into their first Principles. 'Twas of a Mouse-colour hue, and (as near as I could guests) it appeared to be the Result of an old Cloak; both its first Crop and Latter-Math too were both worn off; and it was so Threadbare, that it had almost foundered three or four of his best Lice; wherefore we advised him to hang it no longer on a Knaves back, but to condemn it to the Housewifery of a Shooe-clout. The Relics that were left of his tattered Breeches were one Story pendulous below his Coat. His Instrument (like a Gizzard) was tucked under his arm, which by shog of Elbow, he did hug into harmony, and squeeze out of its Womb most ravishing Ditties. We made but few Remarks on the Person of the Juggler, only we thought it appeared to be somewhat sleathy; his Noddle was shrouded under the Patronage of a colloped Hat, whose indented Margin being somewhat frail, declined from the equality of an Horizontal Position, and flapping inward on both sides, and hugging his Ears, forced the poor Man to look as it were through a Spout. He had a bunch of Bibbond in his hand, which possibly might be the effect of his last Vomits; for we suppose having had a surfeit of Silkworms, and a Loom in his Throat, he can disgorge more at a cast, than an ordinary Weaver can work in a week's time. His little pointing-stick and Tin Dishes, with other Implements of his Art, made an horrible noise and combustion in his Pocket, even to the terror and amazement of an Humble Bee, who was rioting on the Luxuries, and was wantonly basking on the Sunny Terrace of a magnificent Thistle. Nay, the jingling of his Tackle did alarm an Army of Wasps and Hornets, which lay encamped hard by under the roof of a shady Furz bush; These made such an onset on Hocus with their Lansprizades, that making a Pin-cushion of his Body, they stuck it so full of Needles, that the Pungency of their Weapons, and Artillery piercing to the quick, made the poor fellow curvete and elevate himself nimbly into two or three dancing Capreoles. He carried on his back as thick a Quickset of Stings as a Hog of Bristles. He was swelled to a triple proportion beyond what he was; his Hands were grown too big for his Pockets, and could have no reception into those narrow Closets. The circumference of his head was hugely increased beyond the Diameter of his Hat; so that the Convexity of the former could not be contained within the Concavity of the latter. In a word, being magnified beyond the fallacy of the best Glass, his  were too little for his enlarged Dimensions; so that he burst through the confines of his scanty case. Means presently was used for the levelling of this Mountainous Vagrant, and Hide-swoln; He was immediately plunged into a Bath of Honey, which though a present cure of his Disease and Malady, yet was as great a cause of an inconvenience as bad; For a certain Bear not far off got his Medicine in the wind, and came galloping for a lick of her admired Dainties; which when the Jugser perceived, having lost through fear the retentive Faculty, he adulterated her Dish by a mixture of somewhat that was of the same colour, though not so sweet. The Juggler hoofed it away with a winged speed; the Bear with a pair up and a pair down most swiftly pursued him. We stayed not to see the Issue of the Race, but advanced forward in a regular progressive motion, who after a little time were crossed by a Rivulet, which wriggled along with a crooked current; over which we conveyed ourselves by saltation. On the other side of the Bank was a little Arabia of Sand, enough (I suppose) to supply all the Hour-glasses in the Country, nay perhaps and that of Time too till the last minute; near this Mountain of Sand lay prostrate at length two Iron Wedges contiguous to a Block in Felio, which we supposed was to be rend into collops, and to become a Sacrifice to hungry Vulcan. There was a numerous Family of chips about it, which were different in shape, colour, and bigness, so that they seemed not to be the offspring of the same Parent; they lay in a Chaos without any order, amidst which confusion the unlucky Gibeonite that hewed them lost the head of his Axe: The Decollation whereof seemed ominous to the Man, and made him superstitiously leave his work: Myself and a couple of Gadarens that were driving Swine, made a diligent scrutiny for the Noddle of the Tool; which after some time we perceived to lie entombed under the Mausoleum of a good lusty shaving. We did not perceive that it was much damnifyed by its retirement, only the dampness of its Urn did somewhat abate and obscure the eagerness of its edge, and the Lustre of its Aspect. We delivered it into the hands of its Owner, who presently fastened it to the shoulders to which it did belong.  
After a small offering of thanks for our careful search, the Swineherds turned to the left, and we wheeling to the right, after we had joged over some few Acres of a phlegmatic and cold constitution, most happily popped on the warmer Turf of a pleasant Cornfield. 'Twas fringed about with a Mound of Elder-trees, whose ambitious height, and luxurient Branches gave impregnable security to the nestling Birds. The Diameter of a Path run through the midst, whose Poles were transverse or thwarted the hinges of the World. 'Twas environed on both tides with a Sea of Corn, which being moved by the breath of AEolus, (that Bellows of the World) what a Flux and Re-flux was there of waves of Wheat! We passed through this Territory and Dominion of Ceres with the most exalted delight. How did that Goddess sit in Triumph there! What crowds of Clients bowing their ears to her Commands and Dictates? Every Land was parted with the Isthmus of a Balk, on several of which lay the Habiliments of the Harvesters; An extended sleeve of a Red Waistcoat, embracing the collar of a Leathern Jump, and touching the hem or a grafted Petticoat, presented us with the Idea of a pretty Wardrobe. We went out of this Enclosure through the western passage of a three-raild Gate: Upon which there did directly shoot the aged Fragments of a decrepit wall; which over-topping our stature in height and tallness, we were forced to add to our quantity a Nine-inch-stone, that raising our Dimensions we might peep over it. There was scarce any thing remarkable on the other side, unless a vast Rolling-pin of humane ordure. 'Twas four Inches Diameter, and probably discharged from a Musket bore, and that near upon the confines of a tuft of Wormwood, whose bitter scent mixed with the unsavouryness of Excrementitious Atoms breathed a medley kind of stink, and gave but ordinary entertainment to our offended Nostrils. Among the Ruins of this Mound we discovered the Snout and some other Limbs of a murdered Dial; It was not so defaced, but that we could discover in its Physiognomy some martyred Figures, that were yet legible, and there were some Relics of Lines, that were not quite obliterated. Time I presume (being vexed perhaps that it should observe its motions) hath set its Grinders in it, and out of envy, and malice hath quite devoured it. I am apt to think that this pile of Stones stood in its Native Country, where 'twas first bred, as may be conjectured from an adjacent Pillar, whose pregnancy (we fancy) produced this litter of Stones, it being the Mother of these rocky Bales. We advanced to the Orifice of this Lapideous Womb, where were hewing Mortals, by cruel Midwifery digging out the Offspring of teeming Earth. 'Twas an unpolished spectacle, and the Workmen were as rough and uneven as the Prospect; and the Artificers were as intractable and stubborn as the Materials, or Object of their Art. Two of the most Brawny Paviers stood lolling by the Mattock that picked them out, and a single one in a decumbent posture lay prostrate at their feet, whose Northern Extremity performed the Office of a Pedestal to the Embryo of a Statue, which was but newly hatched, and fashioned in a bed of Sand. The Declivity of a corner near the entrance into th' Pit gave occasion to the water to stagnate into a Puddle; through which we did not sail, though the trajection was very short, but fetching a circuit about its shore, we went out at the passage through which we entered. But no sooner had we conveyed ourselves out of this hole, but after we had traced o'er some few Furlongs of a grassy Pavement, a certain Moiety of our Bodies popped into another, and a few steps after some of our feet happened into a third; and a little while after, falling down, our hands were buried in two more. We wondered who had punched so many Eyelet-holes in the Earth's skin, till seeing a Robin Run-a-hole sit mumping (like a Troglodyte) in his house under ground, we perceived the Enclosure we were in, was a well peopled Warren: We had a frisk or two after the Inhabitants of the place; but their Heels prevented our design on their Scuts, for the nimbleness of the one secured them from imposition of Salt on the other. The Sanctuary of their Burrows defended them from the violence of all Persecutions. Their Cells were contiguous, nay in some places they had broken down the Partitions, and by a frequent Burglary did invade the privacy of each others apartments. The Dragon that kept this Garden of Coneys was a Zamzummin in stature, a second Goliath, whose hand was Quarterstafft with a mighty Beam. They told us of an Hercules or two that came to encounter this Keeper, who ('tis said) did so out-club the Yermin, that instead of an Auger hole, he made them earth themselves in the Asylum of a Coney-hole. The Burrow of the Keeper stood near the centre of his Dominions, being the Metropolitan Seat of that little Nation of Rabbits. The Architecture of the Fabric was not contemptible, being stately in height, whose top was crowned with the magnificence of Turrets, whose vigilant loftiness had an eye to the security of the circumjacent Region: The biggest wonderment we beheld about it, was, That its Head did not shoot so far upward into one Element, but its Feet sunk as low downward into another, it standing knee-deep, nay almost up to the Wast in Earth, having as many Stories under ground as it had above. Whether the Bucks or Does were the Pioners that dug those Cellars, or whether the Architect designed them on purpose to prevent the undermine of those notable Delvers, we are not so well able to determine. We espied in a corner a wooden Stratagem or two, on purpose to entrap (we supposed) ensnaring Reynard, so that that living Gin, so fatal to Pullen, died himself in a wile, and one Trap was trapan'd by another. 'Twas a well contrived Ambush, and pretty handsomely victualled with a good lusty Temptation, which so wrought upon Reynard, that he could not by any means resist its charms, though 'tis thought he was as wise a Fox as any in Aesop, whom we never met with, without a piece of Morality tacked to their Tails.  
Having passed the Bounds of this Rabbet-Limbo, it was not long before we were embraced within the confines of a spot of ground like an Orchard; For the Ranges of Vegetables gave us a shrewd suspicion that Pomona had had her residence in that place: Here Autumnus stood lolling under the pressure of a Burden, being scarce able to bear so many wreaths of Fruit. His Head was crowned so, that it bowed with Apples; so that shaking his ears as we passed through, he did so pelt us with a shower, that the unlading of his Noddle made fractures in our Pates, and raised tumors in sinciput as big as Kentish Pippins. The place was pretty populous with Trees, the squadrons whereof seemed to be well disciplined, standing in their Ranks, and as it were in Battle-array like a well ordered Army. Here were several degrees cf Vegetables in wonderful subordination one under another from the Commonalty of Shrubs to the Majesty of a Cedar. Here were Inferior and Superior, and (as it were) Dignifyed Fruit-Trees; among whom there stood a Pear-Tree, I suppose Lord Primate of the Hierarchy. In a South-west corner we espied a few vermiculating Hops, wriggling like worms up the Pyramid of a Pole; near which stood an Elm-Tree in the Arms of Ivy, which hugged it so close, that it was almost incorporated into it by its clasping Embraces. The Posteriours of the Elm-Tree were most barbarously chastised by the Prickles of a Bramble, which the Breath of Aeolus would often move with smart Jerks. One of our company taking an occasion to pass by one of these unseen Briars, they presently had their Talons clawing upon his back, and frighted the Man as much as the Bush did Demosthenes, which catching him by the Coat, made him (supposing it to be an Enemy) to cry out for Quarter: But the Fellow being cased in Leather, and the Buffness of his Coat being Armor-proof against the Bristles and (as it were) Hedghogism of their Prickles, they could not fasten their Fangs in his Garment, wherefore (thanks to his Stars) the Man had no hurt, but was blessed with a great deliverance. Toward the bottom of this Orchard lay prostrate the Trunk of a slain Myrtle, and that not far from the verge or shadow of a Copse of Beans, pretty tall in stature, and well branched; by the Coverlets we saw there should be Beds not far off, I suppose they were the Lodgings of Carrots, Turnips, and of other Roots. There were Cabbages grown to a commendable globosity, the roundness whereof tempted us to a Game at Football; we banded them about sufficiently, and made some of them caper over a Ten-foot wall. One of the Gamesters was hat just in the mouth, the bore whereof being too little for the Bullet, could not receive it into its Orifice, but however it gelded and dampt its fury, so that it did not retort with violence to the injury and detriment of any body else. We had sweat longer at the Recreation and Olympic sport of Kick-Cabbage, had not the Breath of Cloacina (her habitation being near) been so strong, and been a nuisance unto us.  
So that being stunk out of our Quarters, we turned our Quarters upon the stink, and travelled over a Grate into a Churchyard: The Track of our path lay between the Mansion house of the Levite on the left hand, and the Church on the right; behind which towards the South there stood or lay (we cannot tell which) a weatherbeaten Tomb, which was Mouse-eaten at one end by that Vermin Time, that nibbles all things: It seemed to be an inverted Hog-Trough turned topsy-turvy with its muzzle downward; but whether it was or not, or whether it was purposely erected as a Monument to preserve the memory of those Ashes that lay under it, we cannot tell, though we have some reason to suspect the Former, in regard there were so many Swine a digging about, who with the natural Spades of their noses, had almost made a Pit-hole for the Stone, and so had like to have buried one grave in another. Here was a whole Herd of Swine a rooting as if they had been turned in on purpose to root up Christians, as they are in the Fields in Italy to dig up Turffles. A little Wall lay skulking about this Territory of the Dead, which we supposed was placed there as a Bulwark to their Ashes, but it proved but a feeble Fence against the intrusion of the Lambs, who made frequent Capreoles into this adjacent Dormitory: The mound was raised a little, and caped with Turf, and environed with the hollowness of a good handsome Ditch; but yet, neither Cap nor Ditch could keep these Animals from l●ap-frogging over them, from grazing in a Charnel-house, and from turning a Coemitery of Shades and Ghosts into a Feeding Pasture of hungry Beasts.  
We mounted this wall, and moved on towards the Western period of our intended Journey. The bordering close was pimpled with molehills, which seemed but young Protuberances not blistered into the bigness of some neighbouring Banks. Leaving this ground behind us, we descended the Declivity of an adjoining Pasture pretty well bearded or bristled with Thorns and Bushes; and so passed through a Farmer's yard, where we saw an Alps of Straw, with Swine (instead of Snow) a grovelling atop on't; which put us in mind of the Ambition of Goats, who are always clambering up the crags of Rocks. The Western Extremity of the Wheat-Hovil shot directly up the Barn, an Appendix to which stood the Apartment of the Hogs, over which was perched a Roost for Poultry.  
Not far from this Country Tusculum stood the Island of a house in the embraces of a Moat, like Ticho's Vranoberg in the midst of the Sea; An ancient Pile, a Reverend Nest of as Venerable a Bird, which having taken her Flight hath left it a solitude. The greatest Observables were a little silent Bell in Duodecimo, which being utterly Disleepled, hung between the collops of an old wall, or rather a Mortar inversed, which had lost its Pestle, so that it was not vocal by stroke of internal Clapper, but by knocks and blows of external Hammer; within the sound of this Bell stood a lolling washing-Block; being a wooden kind of Anvil, where the She-vulcans' were hammering out with Battle-Door the Filth of Linen, whose unctuous Distillations were the Nile that watered the little Egypt of the adjacent garden.  
Having moved from this Mansion about three or four Furlongs, we passed by the skirts of a rotatile Engine, in shape not unlike an House, being pack-falled at Top with a aridge: it seemed to stand upon stilts, and to be a moving Habitation like those of the Gete●. 'Twas prefaced with a Portico, into which we ascended by a scale of Stairs. Tho whistling Wind breathed a Vertigo in its Pate, whose giddyness communicating a motion to its Grinders, made it whirligig the grain into Flower. A little distant from hence beyond a small sandy Desert stood a Village, whose Steeple was in its centre, not unlike the Mast of a Ship. This Tower as to outward appearance had a Portly Person: yet they told us it had the imperfection of Dumbness; it having been Dis belled for some years. They were alarmed to Church by the Report of a Musket, which the Clerk (being an eminent Guner) did usually discharge at every man's Door. This Clerk was a Weaver by Trade, and had relation to a Loom, wherein he had been ambling for several years with one Foot up and the other down, and with all his treading hath scarce got cloth enough to repair the Breaches of his tattered Elbows. They told us that his Trade and he had lately been at Cuffs, and are just upon parting, it being such a Limb-wagging Profession, that he is not able to endure the Penance of it. This man had wonderful skill in sweeping the Church, and 'tis thought could tell what a Clocks 'twas at the South Dial as well as most Astronomers; He was also a pretty Man of his hands for singing; For when the Tune one Sunday had ambled from him into the Chancel, and had almost caught a fall among the Non-songsters; really they told us that this Notable Man gave it such a neat jerk, as that he twitch it into the Church strangely. Now (I say) for the Clerk to have a rare knack of securing the Hymn from those that would steal it, Oh! 'tis an excellent thing! The most remarkable things in this Town were an Ecclesiastical Wall made of Soecular Mud, which mounded in the Introduction of the Parsonage: it afforded secure Harbour to Vagrant Bees, who randevozing here, became a Colony; They made so many Cells in it, that it appeared to be the Fragment a Reverend Hony-Comb. Not far from this grew a Tree in Folio, an huge, thick, squot Elm, pounded within the circumferences of 4 Benches, which we supposed to be seats made a purpose for the Posterns of Spectators, when Whitsun-Ale is solemnised with Festivity of Fiddle, and celebrated with Caper after Pipe and Tabour.  
Immediately after our Departure from this place, night overtook us, whose Sables eclipsing the Splendour of the Day, shortened our course, and crookened our Career aside to look for a Lodging. An happy Retrospest obliged us with the Prospect of glimmering Thatch, which the nearer we approached, the more visibly it appeared in the shape of an House. It was called by way of Irony a Castle, whose Governor was a decayed Tailor, who having lost through an unfortunate hole of his Pockets, his Needles, Thimble, those Chattels of his Breeches, and Implements of his Vocation, was reduced to poverty. The Man was nimble of foot, though a Dwarf in bulk, so that nine of such might very well club to the elementing of a Man. After a small Collation of Tripe and Buttermilk, we tripped up a Ladder to the apartments of our several Cabins, where with the Poppies of sleep we refreshed our Noddles to the great comfort and satisfaction of our wearied Carcases. After Valediction to Pricklouse, the next morning we set out with the Sun, and had not went above a mile or two, but we heard the rumour of a sad disaster which had lately befallen a Country Corydon, which was the loss of a whole pound of Candles, supposed to be stolen by some highway Rat at one Robbery. The Relations were various as to the manner of the theft; some say he carried them away behind him like a burden of sticks; others say, that he hung them by his side like Bandeliers, but most agree that he laid them upon his shoulder one by one, and ran armed away with the Luminaries as with so many Muskets. We were somewhat amazed at the horror of that sad story, fearing lest we ourselves should be a Prey to those bold Banditi, who being pretty greasy, seemed to be a good handsome Bait, and so being mistaken for Ratsbane, might be pouched by the Vermin: But (thanks to the Stars) we escaped the Fate of the Bishop of Mentz, and marched on upon the Forehead of a smooth Mountain, upon the summity whereof squotted another Hill; but it bore no proportion to the seat it sat on, being but a Pimple to it, as that was but a Molehill to the whole Globe; it put us in mind of Pelion clambering upon the back of Ossa, that false Heraldry of the Giants, Hill upon Hill, by which Bunches they thought to have scaled Heaven; the Crown of the uppermost was somewhat depressed and sunk into the hollowness of a little Valley, about which stood the natural Bannisters of some Thorn-bushes, whose folding Branches weaved into a ●attice, which threaded by the Sunbeams dappled the ground with a pleasant che●quer-work, and yielded besides a good handsome shade to the panting Sheep, whose Fleeces discovered them to have taken sanctuary here against the Persecutions of the violent heat; for the Cattle feeding within the covert, and rushing through the Brake, every Briar took Toll of their Coats, and excised their Backs as fast as they fill'd their Bellies; on every sprig there hung a Fragment of their Liveries, and the whole hedge was clothed with tattered Fleeces, as if Wool had been vegetable and had grown there. These spoils were looked upon as excellent Booty to vagrant Youth, who went about stripping, plundering, and (as it were) Sheepshearing the hedges: We met a crew of these Pickeering Wool-gatherers, the very Emblems of Beggary, and but once removed from vilest Rascality; one Shoe apiece, and half a Hat, a Remnant of a Doublet, and a Moiety of a Sleeve, a pair of Dispocket Breeches, and a jagged Jump, were the flower of their Accoutrements, except two or three locks of Wool tucked like Scuts under their Girdles as a Badge of their profession, and some crammed Stockings bobbing at their sides as Trophies of their Piracies.  
Some few Furlongs from hence there was a mixed Assembly of Kine and Goats at dinner upon the Lawns; their Meal was interrupted by the unwelcome salutes of troublesome Breeze, whose stimulation of Rump did engender such a Frolic, that with curled Tail and tossed up Horn they run gadding and bellowing, and with their vocal Frisking, with a pleasant kind of terror, did at once both recreate and affright the astonished Beholders: The Magistrate or Herdsman, that kept these Animals, was in the midst of the Tumult, who finding himself miserably involved in a Hubbub, with furious Club chastised their Gamesomness, and with mighty bustling becalmed the uproar. This Fellow was a strange Creature, wonderfully Gothed, and all-to-be-vandalled even to Barbarity itself. A Clown in grain! An uncultivated Boor! A Beast of the Herd in humane shape. We proposed a Quaery or two about the Genius of the Place; he told us the Soil was cold, and big with day, and would doubtless yield a good Harvest of Tobacco-pipes: And as for the People, he said they were a Pan-pudding sort of People, much addicted to that vile sort of Creature. A whole Table at a Christening is spread with a Yard of Pudding, and a Balk of Beef, a Ridge of one and a Furrow of the other, which did so wonderfully work upon their Chaps, and made their mouths so water, that two of the chiefest Grandees of the Town, the Hogherd and the Heyward fell seriously to snouting for some few Morsels: the two-eared Pitcher that stood upon the Bench was Mr.- Prinned in the scuffle, i. e. lost a Lugier in the Fray; and we were informed afterward that the Di●aff lost a Lock or two of its Flaxen Periwig.  
Among Rational wonders the most remarkable Miracle of this Place, was an eminent Cotquean, a mere Woman in the habit of a Man, a kind of Mal-cut-pursed Creature, an Epicoene Animal of a twisted Gender, who hath a Petticoat Soul in a Trunk-breeched Body, and scandalizeth Virility by skill in Housewifery. He spins (they say) like a Spider, and makes his Wheel giddy by a swift Vertigo; we observed him to be s●at●ly in his gate when he advanceth up to Spindle; and indeed was retrograde again with no little Gravity. He is a learned Craftsman in the making of Diet, a notable Food-Framer, who buffets the Cream till he hath frighted it into a consistence, and knocked it into Butter, and afterward squeezes with dexterity of Fist. He was endowed with the gift of tossing of Pancakes, and had a wonderful knack at tempering the Materials of a Bag-pudding. He surpassed the Dairy-maids in Milk-pan accomplishments, and was excellently qualified for a Meal-Tub Office. He squeezed the Curds with Cheese-pr ss Bum, and kneads the Dough with fulch of Elbow. He is a Critic at sweeping, and manageth the Besom with mighty skill. We could hardly discern any mote of dust, he having dislodged from Crevice even the smallest Atoms; we were dazzled with the Sunshine of his radiant Brass, which was exceedingly enlightened by modern cleansing, he being a singular scowrer, and very knowing and able at Sand and O●●ershel.  
This Hen-Ho●s wif●-Mortal lived a monkish kind of Life, being cloistered up in a desolate habitation of a certain Gentleman, who, we suppose, does fee him to dwell there to affright the Mice, and to be a Bullbeggar to the Rats; and also to terrify a worse kind of Vermin which we call Thiefs, who are apt to creep through the Mousehole of a window, and to nibble away the Furniture of a dispossessed house: or possibly he might abide there to repair its breaches, and to recover it from its craziness, and by the wholesome Phyfick of frequent Fires to keep it in health, and to persuade it not to tumble, but to remain still a Mansion to the Family that owns it.  
We tasted here of the Hospitality of this foemasculine wight, who spread a Joynt-stool with several sorts of Viands; which though not very delicate, yet the variety might atone and make amends for their meanness. Here was the Epidermis of a Hog, the outward skin called the Sword of Bacon, which was infected with the Jaundice, and looked yellow; here was the Hull of a Peascod plundered of its Pease, and corn'd with Salt, some broken Fragments of Sheep's Trotters S. Lawrenced on a Gridiron; the offal of a Lark, the minced Spurs of a Bootless Cock, a skimed Quadrant of soft Cheese, well sauced with the Butt-ends of forked Scallions, the mouldy reversion of an Antiquated Loaf dipped in the verdure of Water-cresse Pottage, afforded us the refreshment of a pretty Collation; by the virtue whereof being somewhat recruited, we moved forward and crep up the Brisket of a small Mountain, upon whose sloaping descent stood a Quadrangular Sheep-pen, which we passed through, and found pitched with Buttons, a pretty sort of Floor and Modern Mosaic. Not far from the most eastern hurdle (as near as we could observe) leaned a ruinous Bridge, which gloried in the passage but of one Arch, and that seemed rather Natural than Artificial; for the Impetuosity of the Current having bored an hole through a heap of stones, licked it into the shape of an indifferent Arch: At the Foot whereof stood a Smith's Shop, about a Bay of watling; it seemed to be a pretty reverend Seat as we gathered from the Mantle of Green Moss upon its back. Though it was covered with stubble without, yet it was pretty tolerably furnished with Iron within, as threadbare Horseshoes, bits of Keys, some few semicircles of Iron Rings, odd Links of interrupted Fetters, and a broken Series of a discontinued Chain. The Vulcan was in his Den, and was hammering out Hobnails for Country hoof. His Forge was raised from the ground like an Altar, upon which there did burn (as it were) a Vestal Fire, which blast of Bellows made much to bubble up in this little Mongibel. What Cinders were belched from this flaming Vesuvius, whose smoke and ashes besmutted the Pluto in this Infernal Region! who having Primitive Apparel, i. e. being skinned over with a Case of Leather, and having a swarthy Complexion, did with the grimness of his Aspect, and with the horrible russel of his Breeches, fright one of the Dogs of our company into a fit of sickness; we imagined the Cur might mistake him for a Tinker, who is commonly a Disease, or at least a Nuisance to those Creatures.  
We saw nothing hereabouts very remarkable, only we met several Mastiffs laden with the Cargo of good lusty Bones in their mouths; they were ambling eastward; a very fine spectacle to see a Regiment of Curs trooping along instead of Bilboa, armed with Shoulderblades. We wondered at first from whence such plenty of Anatomy as to furnish them, till spying the Carcase of a dead Palfry, we perceived they had been feasted with the Viands of his Flesh, and stole the Skeleton Piece-meal. A Baker chanced to come by through a Gap near at hand, mounted upon just such another Morsel, ripe for Collar-maker, which being surprised with the spectacle of his Brother Carrion, took an occasion to start, and to disburden himself of his Load; which sad misfortune proved a lucky accident to the Dogs, whereby they were furnished with Bread to their Meat.  
Not far from hence was a scurvy Slough, most fatal (as is observed) to Millers, whom it sups up into the Abyss of its profundity; we saw one moving a-tit-up, a-tit-up, till he flounced in, and by a most disastrous Pitch-pole into mud and dirt, discoloured his Coat, that was candied with the effluviums of his mealy Bags. The Necklace of Bells about the crest of his Beast ceased to be sonorous, being quite choked. His Meal through fright and moisture was metamorphozed into Pudding; and spunging up the Liquor, it grew so heavy, that it thrived into such unweildiness, as that it was almost unmoveable: we cautelously waved the danger of this dirt by diverting a little toward the northern parts of this Quagmire, and so in a dainty fine Path, and that not meanly beautified with variety of Flowers, we continued our Journey very prosperously, only one of our company had a most calamitous fall over an unhappy clod of the first magnitude, which undermining his Pedestals, gave him a preposterous squob, his head fainting the ground first, to the great detriment of the outward man. There run parallel with this Path a pitched Causey (as we supposed) about ten Furlongs, we stepped into it, and followed its tract till it brought us into the desert of a Common, not so much as accommodated with Horse, Tree, House, or Man, so that here we felt the rigour of somewhat called hardship, the Stomach barking, the Hoof galling, the Winds whistling, and the Heavens dropping; all these conspired to make us miserable. At last arriving to the borders of the Wilderness, we were courteously received into an hospitable Hamlet, where we enjoyed the blessing of an indifferent refreshment. We took up our Quarters here that night, and passed away the evening in some pertinent Queries about observables in the Place. They presented us with a pretty curiosity which seldom occurs, and that was the Copy of a Brief containing the Losses of a distressed Virgin, which because the form and stile is somewhat unusual, we care not much if we here insert.   

The Copy of a BRIEF.  
To all Ladies, Gentlewomen; whether Maids, Wives or Widows, or others of that softer Sex, of what state and condition soever, whether Waiting-women, Semstresses, Spinsters, Bawds, Punks, Doxies, and all other Petticoateers, from those who through wantonness have naked Backs to those who through want have naked Bums, Greeting.  
WHereas we are credibly informed by our trusly and wellbeloved Roper Thwickwack of B. in the County of Salop Jumper, and Arthur Twitch-box, , Cadwallader Whipwhop, Wrestler, Anthony Snug, Fidler, Giles Firker Bum-brusher, and several others of the like Laudable Professions; That our beloved Subject Mrs. A. C. of the Town and County aforesaid Damsel, hath lately sustained a great loss by a most lamentable misfortune, which on the fifth of this instant most miserably befell her after this manner following.  
There was a certain Glass-case of a Gad-fly colour, i. e. a little inclining to a Calf-dung Yellow, and somewhat of a dwarfish size, not much exceeding the stature of a Cricket; it was supported by the strength of a double ●hong at the Northwest Point of her Chamber, where for some time it ●ad continued in a pendulous posture, and ●ad arrived to a great repute of civility and meekness, whereby it did much exceed, and frequently put tothth' bl●sh the other Utensils of her Chamber.  
Now this Poor Thing, by reason of the rudeness of two lusty Pusses, whether affrighted at their caterwauling, or it being not a●le to ●ear them in the Acts of Love, we cannot tell, but certain it is, it let go its hold, and after a dismal manner came blundering down, attended with the ruin and desolation of several Jiggumbobs and Jim●racks, to the great loss and detriment of our poor distressed Subject.— The Particulars whereof are as follow.  

1. The Ivory Gums of a Toothless Comb.  
2. A little Bottle-breecht Glass, replenished with Love-Powder.  
3. A Brace of blind Needles that lost their Eyes in the tumble.  
4. A Double S●ut of an Hare tied up with a single Pack-thread.  
5. The latter end of an oed Broomstaff.  
6. The Butt-end of an old Suqarloaf.  
7. The True-Lovers Knot made in wire.  
8. A square bit of Tin.  
9 The Margin of a broad Hat.  
10. One Finger-stall.  
11. Two Tags.  
12. A cracked Glass with a club-foot.  
13. The skin of an Onion stuffed with Arsenic.  
14. One Whisker of a Bearded Arrow.— The loss of which ●ackle and Implements amounting to a Sum of great value, we do send our Letters Patents to beg the Charitable Benevolence of all well-disposed Persons, hoping that they will be pleased to take the deplorable condition of our unhappy Subject into their serious consideration:— For is it not a sad thing to lose so commodious a Place to lay pretty things in, and all by the misdemeanour of two unmannerly Cats? For where will this our Subject lay her Galley-pots and Syrups, her Gums and Pomatum? Had these Mount-hunters only eased Nature there, and then gingerly departed, they had been very excusable; but first to come slyly into a Lady's Chamber, and then to squobble and fall out there, and the midst of their Quarrel to pursue one another to the top of a Shelf, and there to renew the Battle again, and to box one another till themselves did fall, and to demolish that very thing which supported them in their bickering; as the Fool in the Fable sawed off the Bough he sat on. Oh! this is a sad thing.   
Another Living observable we met with here was the Fragment of a Physician, whose pretences to Learning were very great, but by converse we found him to have more Stomach than Brains, and therefore was like to have more consolation in a Kitchen than in a Study; for there perhaps he may find a job of work for his Grinders; whereas he knows not what to do with his Books, unless he should act the Moth, and eat them. One of our Company perceived his Parts to lie more towards the Powdering-tub, than his Pharmacopeia; for whilst he is busy in the former he may keep himself alive, but when he reads in the latter he kills his Patients. We had some Rost-beef to Supper, and we commonly found him within an inch of the Dripping-pan, with an Acre of Bread in his hand, which he called a Sop, with which, when our backs were turned, he usually sponged up the Dripping, and cheated Sir-Loin, and robbed its Knighthood of its due moisture. A Scholar of our Company perceived him to be well read in Papers that screen the Back of a Limb of Rost, and that he found a great deal of matter in the Socks that are on the Souls of Mince-pies.  
After a days Journey from hence, we set our Feet upon Welsh Turf, and indeed were strangely surprised at the uncouthness of many things that did salute us here.  
The Country is tucked in on all sides with the Sea, except on the East, on which part it was ditcht in from England by that notable Delver King Offa, King of the Mercians: Over this Dike if any Welshman chance to skip with his Sword by his side, by King Harold's Law, he was to lose a Branch of his Body, i. e. his right Arm was lopped off by the King's Officers.  
Some think it had its Name from its Godfather Idwallo Son to Cadwallader, who with a small crew of Britons at the arrival of the Saxons hide themselves in this Corner. Others suppose them to be the Spawn of the Gauls, from whom they seem to be but a few Aps removed; Ap Galloys Ap gaul's, Ap Wallois Ap Wales.  
As for the Inhabitants, they are a pretty sort of Creatures, which when we saw, we were so far from stroking them with the Palms of Love, that we were almost ready to buffet them with the Fist of Indignation. They are a rude People, and want much Instruction. For when we consider the soil from whence they sprang, and the Deserts and Mountains wherein they wander, we cannot but think that greater pains should be taken in cultivating and manuring, in disciplining and taming them, in regard 'tis harder for a Bearuard to teach civility to the Beasts of Africa, than to those that come from a more mannerly Country:— We do not say that when they are in their Country they do (like Bears and Foxes) live in Woods and Forests, (for I presume they have more Sun than Shade, and so more Fire than Wood) but if we agree with Geographers, and are of an opinion that they are Inhabitants of a Wilderness, and are Landlords of a Common, as I and every body else are owners of the Air, we must beg their pardon for our conceit. We have been informed that they were dug from a Quarry, and that they dwell in a stony Land; so that if we compare this Kingdom to a Man; (as some do Italy to a Man's Leg) they inhabit the very Testicles of the Nation. And I pray what are those but the vilest of Creatures that breed as well in the Privities of the greater British World, as those that are hatched in the Pudenda of the lesser? But whether Welshmen are the Aborigines of their Country, as Grab-lice are the Autocthones of theirs, and proceed only (like them) from the excrements of their Soil, we shall not here dispute. They are of a Boorish behaviour, of a Savage Physiognomy; the shabbiness of their Bodies, and the Baoticalness of their Souls, and that, which cannot any otherwise be expressed, the Welchness of both, will fright a Man as fast from them, as the odness of their Persons invites one to behold them. Some of them are such rude and indigested Lumps, so far from being Men, that they can scarce be advanced into Living Creatures; nay they are such unmanageable Materials that they can scarce be hewn into the shape of Blocks; much Labour and Art is required therefore to make them Statues.  
They are not much given to fight, as by a Speech it appears that was uttered by her noun Countryman, who when drawn out upon some Design, began to pur and murmur after this manner▪  
Her hath worn out her-Freez Breeches, and all her ; and now her can get no Money to keep her, or to buy her some Cows-baby, and her could hear nothing but Marsh, Marsh! and Drums beat, her was therefore (once for all) now resolved to fight no longer, but to go into her noun Country.— They are much inclined to Choler; for her Welsh Blood is soon moved, and then her stamp and stare, and scrat her Pole, and vent her fury in ud●-plutt●r-a-nails, and will fight for her life in battle at Fifty-cuffs.  
The whole Nation (like a Germane Family) is of one Quality; for as every Lord's Son is a Lord here, so every one is crowned with the Title of Gentleman there; so that her Country is a good Pasture for an Herald to by't in. Who can't choose but grow fat among such worshipful Genealogies. We were much surprised at the thoughts of their Rank, and did not suspect so much Gentility among such a People; when we saw so many Coats without Arms, we could not imagine they had any with them, but fancied they had more need of a Tailor than of Clarentius, and of a Pricklouse to stitch up and compose their Breaches, rather than an Herald to blazen their Families. They appeared to us to be very ill accoutred Gentry: But however vileness of Equipage is no blot in Scutcheon; as may be easily made out from this following Narrative. When King James commanded all that were Gentlemen in an Army to pass by him, he observing a Rag-a muffin to hobble in the Rear of the Train, commanded him to be stopped, because he looked not like a Gentleman; but Taphy cried out that her was as good a Gentleman as the best, only her Cattle was not so good. In their Travels they care not much that their Horses should drink with a Tost; as appears by the wrath which Jenkin discovered, whom his quaffing Beast had pitch-poled into a River. Vds-plutter-a-naits (quoth he) in great fury, what cannot her drink without a Tost? He took it much in dudgeon, that that the Jade should be so bold as to make a Sop of his Master.  
They do not always observe the Mules of Justice in their Punishments; oftentimes chastizing one Body for another, and so misplace their rigour on the undeserving; as will be very evident from this following Instance. A certain Tailor ferrying over a River in their Country with a Diminutive Nag; the Steed never using to travel by Water, and wondering that he stood still and moved, was possessed with fear, and made some disturbance in the Boat, to the great endangering of the Passengers: The Welshman being in jeopardy, was fired with anger, and without any wings he flew on the Tailor, and revenged the injury of the Pa●fry on poor Pricklouse. The Stitcher swaddled the scrupling Horse, and Taphy beat the Stitcher, to the great diversion and grief of the Spectators.  
The Materials of his Apparel are usually a well shagged Fre●z, so that we cannot call it sleepy, being fleeced with a Nap like any Sheepskin: It affords excellent harbour to the Vermin of his Body, which whether it be stocked with store of Joicements of them, he commonly signifies by the Symbol of a shrug.  
His Fashion is generally a Pair of oblong Trowzes made of a Brace of Cloak-bags, supposed to be Twins; these tacked together are a perfect Emblem of his crural Attire. This Garment had conjugal Affinity to a thing called a Doublet of the same Lineage; a copious Vestment, very roomthy and capacious, able to comprehend both his Arms in the single Pudding-bag of one Sleeve; its uppermost confines were hemmed with the scanty dimensions of a contracted Collar, but its lower extremity was bordered with the Paraphrase of amplified Lappets. The Summity of his Head is commonly crowned with a Monmouth Cap., and its Crown is commonly pinnacled with the Battlement of a Button. Cuffs are an Innovation, things which their Ancestors were seldom guilty of; and indeed Bands and clean Linen are an upstart Invention; being the modern effects of the pride of their huge ones, whereas Primitive Brittishness was never acquainted with the habiliment of a Shirt. Their Feet it seems are of an hot Complexion, for they often air their distockined Pettitoes; and if they had any Hosen they were the offspring of their Drawers, to which they were fastened by Leathern Ligaments. The Perfection of a Welch-man's Equipage, the cream (as it were) of his Accoutrements, and that which completes even his most Festival Attire, is (as the Story goes) an old Sword of her noun breeding, which her hath brought up from a Tagger: And this he can brandish with much valour against the Tremendous onset of Dragooning Bees; a kind of Enemy which the Taphy is much afraid of, in regard he is always armed with a Pike in's Rear, which once upon a time being fastened in his Forehead, broached such a Poor in his Phyio●nomy, that he could never endure those hum-buzzing. Shentlemen (as he calls them) in Yellow Doublets.  
The Country is mountainous, and yields pretty handsome clambering for Goats, and hath variety of Precipice to break one's neck; which a Man may sooner do than fill his belly, the Soil being barren, and an excellent place to breed a Famine in. It is reported of Campania, That it was the most noble Region in the World, the Air pleasant, the Soil fertile, the Theatre of Bacchus and Ceres, where they were at Fisticuffs for the Pre-eminence; but we perceived no such scuffle in Wales; for those Deities are so far from fight there, that we could not discern that they were so much as ever there; there being scarce water and Oatmeal to give us being, we could not expect Egypt and the Canaries, Butts and Granaries to give us a well-being: There is no Canaan to be found in the Arms of a Desert.  
The Commodities of the Nation are chief Woollen-cloaths, as Cottons, Bays, etc. of which their tattered Backs are an ill sign of; for sure they are not so  to furnish other Countries with Raiment, and to go naked themselves.  
As for the Diet of the Britton, it is not very delicate, neither is he curious in it; for if he should, his Appetite perhaps might curse his nicety, and by pleasing his Palate he may starve his Belly. A good mess of Flummery, a pair of Eggs he rejoices at as a Feast, especially if he may close his Stomach with toasted Cheese; a morsel for which he hath a great kindness. You may see him pictured sometimes with that crevice in his Head called a Mouth, charged at both corners with a crescent of Cheese, and himself a cockhorse on a Red-herring, and his Hat adorned with a Plume of Leeks: Good edible Equipage! which when hunger pinches, he makes bold to nibble; he first eats his Chease and his Leeks together, and for second course he devours his Horse. He never much cared for a Sop, since once upon a time it drank up all his Drink, and would not club to pay his Shot.  
As for his Person, his stature is of the lowest size, not above a Stair or two above one Story; and we found always a Cock-loft, and that usually empty. His Face usually bubbles into Tumours and Pustles. Besides the natural Haut-goust of Body that breathes from grain, he usually sends forth an artificial smell, which you may wind as far as the Extreme Unction of twenty Funerals, only the scent is not so sweet: he smells as rankly of the single stink of Brimstone, as a Gold finder of a medley; for a scurvy Disease commonly called the Scrubado makes frequently an Inroad into his Person, and invades his Body; so that he is forced to choke his Enemy by stink of Sulphur. 'Tis a creeping Distemper, whose progress is checked by mortisication, so that when he leaves off his Shirt, that is, when it leaves him, and can hang on no longer, it is excellent Furniture for Tinderbox, as virtually containing in it both Match and Tinder.  
The Music he plays upon, is a Tool styled an Harp, that is, a Triangular stick bed-corded with variety of extended Catlings; which he tickles with as much dexterity, as if apprentice to Amphion, and draws as many Boys after him, as he did Stones; nay these we have seen in some places totrot after him; but not so much to admire, as to pelt him for his Harmony. He puts his Instrument to one use more than the Ancients did theirs, i. e. he purveys with it for maintenance; so that when sustenance fails him, he strikes up for a Morsel, and so lives by sounds, and (Camaeleon like) hath Alimony from Air. He serenades Victuals in every Village, as the Pide-piper did Rats at Hamel, and he allures Luncheons after him, as much as the other did Vermin: Here a knob of Bacon wags after him, for one strain, and there a Crust follows him as the Reward of another, one hits him in the Mouth with a payment of Pottage, another pops him in the Pocket with the gratuity of a Carrot; he is laden sometime with such plenty of Beverege, that he can't jog for his Fraught; all which variety of Fragments is the most ample Income, and wonderful Revenue of his skill in Music. His usual Admirers are Country Milkmaids, whom vibration of string doth move and stir into Jig and Measure; and whom Breeze of Instrument (like those in Tail) do chafe and tickle into Dance and Caper: By the wagging of his Noddle, and the wriggling of his Limbs, he seems to be taken with the Accents, or else to be bitten with the Tarantula of his own Music, which hath infected him into a Galliard, and caused him to fig about with a Frolic Motion.  
We could not perceive that they were guilty of much Learning; of which the lowest Degree is several notches above their most exalted capacity. We met with one pretty proband in the Alphabet; but for the most part the knowledge of the least jota is rare, and unusual. A Man skilled in Orthography is admired as a Sophy, and a writer of his Name is termed a Rabbi. The Top-gallant of the Parish possibly may be so wise in Hieroglyphic as to scrawl the Character of a Mystic Mark; though such deep Literature is not frequent amongst them. Some of their Ancestry have smelled rank of Astrology; one whereof, Merlin by name, was very notable at the Stars, and most intimate with the Planets; in so much that sometimes he would fling at a Futurity, and venture at a Prognostic concerning the weather. 'Tis supposed he was bred up at the Feet of some She-Gamaliel, being so well versed in the Prophecies of old women's Corns, and who could as cleverly foretell Rain, as the learned Almanac of the most weather-wise Toe.— The study of Wizzardism hath also been famous amongst them; one Good man Druis was well accomplished in that kind of Learning; hence formerly a Wizard was▪ styled a Drue. This Fellow (they tell us) was the Schoolmaster of Pythagoras, into whose Breech ('tis said) he infused by Birch the Opinion of Transmigration. He was dextrous at a Fortune, and Old-Dog at Augury; the only thing we dislike in him, is, he sacrificed Men, and so divined by Butchery.  
To the Wisdom and Philosophy of this Sophy, his little Boy Bardus added Poetry; a Lad (it seems) notably inspired with Flames and Firebrands, with Heats and Raptures, and such kind of Tackle that are used by Poets. The Disciples of this La●reat were termed Bards, the great Embalmers of Heroic Actions; who (I warrant you) will wrap up an Achievement so securely in a Monument of a single Verse, that all the nibblings in the world shall never be able to devour the Immortality of a Name. They ballad-sung the Praises of Renowned Heroes, and in lofty strains wire-drawed their Fame, and stretched their Glory to after-ages. They were in huge esteem, and had the Cap and Knee of the greatest Commanders, in so much that if two Armies were even at Cuffs or at Cudgels, and a venerable Bard stepped in but with one Foot of his Poetry, they would have held their hands, and have thrown down their Hilts, and have harkened to the advice of his learned Dactails, and not offer to shout it till his Poetical worship had been out of danger. The most Famous of these Meter-mongers were Robin Plenidius, my Gaffer Glaskirion, and of late years old Farmer Davy, and our Neighbour David ap Williams.  
The Champions of the Country, Men of celebrated Prowess, were Mr. Cassibellane and Sir Nennius Knight, the former whereof was so Doughty a Blade, that 'tis said he confronted Caesar, and bid him kiss his Backside with undaunted Gallantry; the other grappling with the same Emperor, did diswhiniard his hand by main strength, and sent the Man home laden with some stripes, and with a naked Belt. A notable Instance of Welsh Valour! To these we may add that Hector of Britain, the Renowned Arviragus, who was so great a Rawhead and Bloody-bones to the Roman Soldiery, that 'tis thought he frighted them even to the bewraying of their Breeches, and made them mightily stink of a filthy thy discomfiture.  
As for the Loves of the Britons, th● Intrigues of their Amours are not a little remarkable; they being very pretty Animals when disguised with that Passion: They are Tinder to such Flames, being quickly set on fire, even by the least spark, which when it hath catched the Match of their Souls, (for they have Brimstone in them as well as in their Bodies) they are presently kindled into Transport and Ecstasy; and these model them into the shapes of a thousand Antics, and make them show more tricks than Banks his Horse. Sometimes they are shaking the Globules of their Noddle, and sometimes dancing some Geometry with the Figures of their Feet; now they smite with clapper of Fist their troubled Breasts, and anon sound out some Knells of dismal Groans; being variously affected according as the weather is in their Clorinda's Faces; if Aspect be clear, then is Taphy Serene; if Brow be cloudy, then is Morgan Showry. He commonly oreflows in his prattle about the Princum prancumness of his Mistress, and is witty even to a Jest on the Fineries of their Habiliments, in describing of which he is pretty lucky at Similitude, and is happy in his Comparisons about her Person. One having a glimpse through the Keyhole of her Saffron Body, burst out into a Panegyric of the Bees-waxness (as he phrased it) of her Tawny Complexion; and seeing her Tippet to bristle into the erectness of a Turban, he fell a laughing at the Coxcomb (as he termed it) of her Coif and Headgear. He seldom troubles his Madam with the falutation of a Letter, but usually accosts her with the Missive (as I may say) of his noun Person, which being broken up in her presence, out fly the Contents full of flame and rapture.  

Shentle Modest! when her see  
The Fair Looks her made at me,  
Hur could not choose by what's above,  
But be entangled by her Love.  
Hur was not think it fit and meet,  
To wrap her Love within a Sheet;  
But was think it great deal better,  
To speak her Loufe than write a Letter;  
Hoping her not exception take  
At her for her countries' sake.  
What if her Welshman be? what then?  
Taffies was all Shentlemen;  
Born from Venus that fair Coddess,  
And many other Shentle Bodies;  
Part Humane and part Difine,  
We are descended from Jove's Line.  
All this Truth her dare not mince,  
Being the Issue of British Prince.  
If should with Jenkin drink some Wine,  
Her would think her Fortune fine,  
And her would tell such Tale in Ear,  
That all the Wor d was never hear.  
Then Shentle Modest let her prove,  
Honest Jenkin will her love;  
Though her was very s●lthy fit,  
That drives poor Wel●hman out of wit;  
And if her will not pity her pain,  
Hur will never Loufe again.   
We heard of one that went a wooing with a Gun upon his shoulder, being resolved (it seems) if Love be a warfare, not to enter unarmed into the Camp of Venus; still as his coy Daphne shifted from his presence, he marched Musketeering about the Room, and most fiercely pursued her, till at last in the brisk Encounter of a close Embrace, this warlike Instrument took an occasion somewhat unmannerly to go off, and Blunderbussed the Mistress on her Breech on one side of the house, and poor Taphy on his Nose on the other; so that being much dismayed at this unhappy Accident, one serabled one way, and the other another, to the total separation of a pair of Lovers, and to the utter spilling of a Mess of Love.  
They are pretty devout in their worship, though the exercise of Religion is somewhat scarce, and have a pretty glowing zeal, though their Churches are f●w, and at a great distance. 'Tis almost incredible how far they are fain to trudge for a little Homily, which when they have expected, have been mumped with a Sermon ten times worse. For on such Rawbone Live there cannot be expected very plump Parts. The ordinary Revenue of a Spiritual Preferment may possibly be about five Marks per Annum; a Bay of Wailing for a dwelling; endowed with no more Glebe than just what it stands upon, only perhaps it may be howe-stalled with as much ground as may hold a Sty for the Pig, and a Roost for the Pullen. These Divine Cottages are usually situated some Leagues from the Temple; so that the Holyman with Crabtree Truncheon sets out with the Sun, and stretcheth his Legs with a good handsome walk, before he arrives to Pulpit to stretch his Lungs, and wears out much of his Soles before he can reach his Stall to mend their Souls. Their Houses of Prayer are generally Thatched Tabernacles, which being steepled (as it were) with a Lover-hole, seem to be really that what the Temple resembled when profaned by the Jews, I mean, rather the Pictures of Pidgeon-houses, than holy Sanctuaries. They are wainscoted towards the East with little Desks, like Pounds, where Levite imprisoned for about half an hour, fodders the poor Taffies with some melancholy Tear-fetching Story about a Grim Fellow called Death, who ambles Folks on his back into another World; a thing which he ●eard from the Oracular Gums of ●f his edentulous old Grannum, as she ●●e in the Settle in the Chimneyorner. Some of the most Reverend Rectors are dignifyed with a stipend of six pounds a year, besides the Perquisites of a Drum and Fiddle; which well managed on a Holiday, make up a very pretty Thing. Others have an Augmentation of a Bull or a Bear, which being solemnly baited about twice in a Quarter, do pick pretty comfortable Tithe from the Spectators Pockets, and makes the poor Parson's Purse to smile and mantle.  
Their Recreations are various, but not much different from those in England; you may see them sometimes smite a Ball at the Rebound, and to send it on an errand to their Antagonists, which being retorted by way of Answer, is rejoindered back again with much dexterity. They will bandy to and fro this misside Globule, and shuttlecock it to each other with great celerity. Their Lungs are pretty good at a Bubble in the Air, which Meteor arising from the Womb of a Wallnut-shell, they will make fly through the Welkin on the Wings of their Breathes, and for a considerable time, by the Blasts of their Mouths, will support the Being of those Emblems of Mortality.  
In the whity-brown Evening, or in the Twilight, they run hobbling about their Common with Kites at their heels, certain Comets of Paper, which they tow along with a tall string, and make themselves merry with the length of their Tails, which are a large Series of jaggd Tossels, raged with a Candle, as with the twinkling of a Star. Happy is the Man amongst them that can most discreetly manage this Artificial Planet; and he is presently dubbed the very Pha●ton of their Country, that can most swiftly career it with this little lanthorned Phoebus. The Scrubs want Candle on Earth, and yet they must needs be sticking up Lights in the Socket of Heaven; there's scarce half a pound in a Lordship either to scare away darkness or to work by, and yet these Rascals (forsooth) will be studding the Sky with Luminaries to play by.— As for true and real Hunting, there is no such thing among them; only they have (as it were) the Picture and some kind of resemblance of that Pastime; for their Principality affording them but few Hares, they course a Lock of Hay in lieu thereof, and Alloo the Puss of a good nimble wisp. The whim of it is this; when they have a mind to refresh themselves with somewhat that is a kin to, or with an Idea of Hunting, they make diligent search for a Furlong or two of smooth and champion ground, which at last being found, they purchase a Bundle of the swiftest Hay, (if Irish, 'tis the better, for there are the best Runners of all sorts) this they expose to the Fans of Aeolus, which being presently started by force of puff, it feuds away, and the Dogs pursue it with mighty speed. In rainy weather they have also their In-door Divertisements as well as other Nations, such as Rump pressing, Hot-cockles, Chap-smutting, Snap-apple, and the like. Some are cunning at the Cockall, not so much for picking off the meat (though they are good at that too) as at throwing it with accuracy, and checquering the sport with variety of Tumble.  
As far as we could perceive, they love Holiday Fingers, and care not much for encumbring them with that Inconvenience called ●ork. They can (Shepherd like) lo●● upon a crook pretty handsomely in the Field, and can discharge a superintendency over the Goats. They are most accomplished Drovers, to which laudable Function they are so naturally prone, that they are apt to drive sometimes more than their own.  
They are much addicted to the sin of Nastiness, wallowing in filthiness like so many Swine; so that the whole Province seems to be but a general Sty. You may swear they are made of Earth without a Metaphor; appearing like so many Dirt-Images, o● like that of Prometheus made of clay. The meaner sort of Women are generally such Draggle-Tails, that the Cattle in their Bosoms are quag-mired in the filth of their well-glebed Attire; so that the frisking Fleas are so far from Levaltoes, that we are verily persuaded they can scarce pull out Proboscis, and their Feet from the Bogs.  
The Tenements they live in are suitable to the Guests that possess them; for as these seem to be Dirt moulded into Men, so those are the same matter kneaded into Houses; they are usually very Humble Cottages, and low in stature, so that a Man may ride upon the Ridge, and yet have his Legs hang in the Dirt; those that are so magnificent as to be crested with a Chimney, are mightily valued, as most Cocking Fabrics. We were not so vain as to expect very splendid Furniture in such contemptible Huts; but we soon perceived what Utensils were most necessary; a Dishclout and a Besom, and such cleansing Implements are very proper to correct the filthinness of their Mansions; we found no Apartments in these their Habitations, every Edifice being a Noah's Ark, where a Promiscuous Family, a Miscellaneous Heap of all kind of Creatures did converse together in one Room; the Pigs and the Pullen and other Brutes either truckling under, or lying at the Beds-feet of the little more refined, yet their Brother Animals. The Country is fortified in some places with a pretty sprinkling of Castles, which whether they naturally grew out of the Rocks, or were artificially engrafted there, may be a matter of dispute; some fancied them to be Stone-pits shot up into th' Air, which represent the Figure of vast Buildings.  
Wales is the most monstrous Limb in the whole Body of Geography, for 'tis generally reported to be without a middle, or if it hath a Navel 'tis yet a Terra Incognita; for we never could find that ever any Man dwelled there, the Natives confessing themselves to be only Borderers. Surely the reason why they do so much affect the circumference of their Country, and abominate the centre, is, because they are ashamed of the Dominion; and indeed 'tis a sign they have but a little kindness for their Nation, who (like unnatural Sons) run from their Mother their Country, and when out of her Embraces never return again. A Welshman when once abroad, hath no more tendency home, than a Stone an Inclination to fall upward: He will troth o'er the Globe, & rather endure the infliction of any Exile, than the cruel punishment of being banished home; if he is once on this side Dee, neither Hunger nor Husks, nor any kind of hardship shall drive him on the other.  
We could not in our Travels wind very many Feasts among them, the shabbyness of their Soil being not able to nourish and pomper Luxury, so that a Cook, unless he exercise on himself, and dress his own Fingers, he is immediately starved here for want of an Employment. They make some little Invitations perhaps to a Kids-head or so; and will junket with Hop-tops with brisk alacrity. Such plain, mean (and as I may say) Burrough Food was even their Festival Entertainments; but as for any Embroidered and (as it were) Metropolitan Mess, such as Bisks and Oglios, we never so much as heard of them in their Territories.  
Their Mart for Law is a Parish Town called Ludlow, where there is a Court of Judicature decked with a Judge, Councilors, Attorneys, Solicitors, and other Furniture which embellish the Law: Hither they trudge for Decision of Case, and here Red-coat Integrity dispenses Equity. Most of their Indictments are generally the Tragical effects of some dismal Counterscuff●e, where a bloody Nose and a broken Shin is ample matter for the Commencement of a Suit; for they being of a fiery temper, sometimes choler is kindled by an Antiperistasis with a Pot of Ale; and then they fall to biting and scratching as hard as they can drive, and the wounds of this Caterwauling and Bickering affords stust for an Action the next day; which being once got into the Pounces of a Welsh Attorney, is dandled into a Business of no small aggravation. Oh! How these Pettifoggers will hug a Buffeting, and improve a Squobble! They are the very Bellows of Contention, and will soon blow a Spark into a great Combustion. They are a kind of Tinkers in the Law, who usually make holes on purpose that they may mend them; nay sometimes they will play at Loggerheads themselves to set others together by the Ears, and so (as if fight was contagious) will infect the Taphies into Quarrels and Blows. One marching along the Streets advanced the Scolding of two Women into an huge Tumult, as Duels swell into great Wars; and made the snarling of two Dogs thrive into an Action, and the fight of Mastiffs to end in the Court of the Common-Pleas. They commonly broach Quarrels, and incense the Shentlemen into knockings and smitings, cracked Crowns, and black Eyes, into Assaults and Batteries, and all for hopes of a Livelihood that may be skimed from the benefit of such Wars: But perhaps the Spoils from the Skirmishes of such Clients are as rate as Pillage from a Scotch Army. The usual crime for which they stand generally convicted, is that great transgression and sin of Mice, the nimming of Cheese, and the filching of Oatmeal, and of the rest of the good Creatures that are Arkt in the Cupboard; and as they offend like Vermin, so are ordinarily taken so too, that is, not apprehended like Men, but entrapped like Rats; after which they are convented before the Sage Puss of the Law, which purring upon a Tribunal together with his Kitling Officers, doth fasten on the Prey, and doth so suck and claw it, till it hath mumbled out all its Blood, that is, all the Money of its Veins, and then wholly devours it. This (I say) is one of their offences, though not the only one; for some of them have been lashed for an attempt upon Henroosts, and have received condign punishment even for stealing of Poultry at the wrong end; for Taphy (it seems) having filched a Chicken by the Breech, did disrump her by his Theft; and therefore in resemblance to his Crime was almost disrumpt by punishment; so that for stealing the Birds Tail, he had well-nigh lost his own: A pretty Circumstance observed in their Justice! and a laudable way of proceeding according to Lex Talionis.  
For several Crimes they have various Punishments. That grand Enormity of Breaking-wind is chastised there as 'tis in England, that is, the hand of Magistracy doth usually inflict a pretty lusty Cobbling, that is, for every Report the loss of an Hair, though some that have been much addicted to that Infirmity, and therefore have been very guilty of a stink, have endured the cruelty of tormenting Fairies, that is, have been pinched into manners, and a better smell. Artificers when at work punish any unhandsome Action by a particular severity peculiar to themselves, which they call Pursing. The Execution whereof is after this manner: The Malefactor being prostrate on a Block, two of the same occupation pull as discreetly as they can his Drawers as close to Buttock as a Spaniards Breeches, so as not to be laid hold on by the most curious Pincers; the Pavement of Posteriours being levelled and smoothed from any wrinkles, a third Artisan strikes it with a Rule, whose smart Application by Quick jerks makes some impression of pain, and so moves the Blood as to raise and start a Tincture and (as 〈◊〉 were) the Flea-biting of a Blush. Some of the more obstinate Criminals are punished by ●●●pension, but not by the Neck, 〈◊〉 here in England, but by the wrists, Thumb-roped together with a sting of Hay, and so fastened ●o a Peg; well! this is but the beginning (and as it were) the Hissing of the Punishment, do but mark, and the Sting will follow: The offending Taphy thus dangling in the Air, the Beadle approaches with a stick imped with a Feather at one end, and tickles his Testicles; these softer Titillations engender some vibrations of Body, and nimble Frisking, which are shrewdly chastised by a surly Cat-of ninetails.  
The Cattle we saw most legible on their Mountains were Goats and Heifers; a runtish sort of Animals, of a dwarfish size, but very hardy, of a flinty Constitution calculated on purpose for the meridian of a Rock; on which (it seems) they can as hearty feed, as an Ostrich on an Anvil. Great numbers of these are often disembogued into adjacent Countries, which after some time circulate home again in a stream of Money; which yields wonderful refreshment to the fainting Dominion, almost sick for the comfort of such a Cordial. We perceived their Herds to be frequently mingled with little Palfreys; a stunted sort of Horses, diminutive Brutes, Shavals in shorthand. They are lower in stature than an Ass, but much swifter in Foot, and very strong, as it appears from their Burdens, which are oftentimes the Fortune and Substance of a whole Family; for when a Mortal breaks, he mounts all he hath on Welch-Nag, and travels under the Character of a Scotch Pedlar. We chanced to see a Team of this small Cattle, a rare Spectacle, being (as we supposed) the least that ever was heard of, unless that which was harnessed in Venus her Chariot, which was a Team of Doves. These British Steeds are so brisk and Mercurial, that the People would persuade us that a Taphy on a Tit would outstrip in travel an Arabian on a Dromedary; a thing almost incredible, though the pricking up their Ears, and the sticking up their Tails, is an Argument of their Metal, and may give some colour and ground for the Assertion.  
That which we admired most of all amongst them, was the Virginity of their Language, not deflowered by the mixture of any other Dialect: The purity of Latin was debauched by the Vandals, and was Huned into corruption by that barbarous People; but the sincerity of the British remains inviolable. 'Tis a Tongue (it seems) not made for every Mouth; as appears by an Instance of one in our Company, who having got a Welsh Polysyllable into his Throat, was almost choked with Consonants, had we not by clapping him on the back made him disgorge a Guttural or two, and so saved him. They usually liquefie the most rugged Mutes, and soften 'em by Promulgation; melting the word Tug into Tudge, as is clear from this Distich.  
Still he did Tudge her Ear  
In praise of the Thirteen Seer, i. e. did Tug her Souses with Eulogiums of her Country. Whether the Welsh Tongue be a Splinter of that universal one that was shattered at Babel, we have some reason to doubt, in regard 'tis unlike the Dialects that were crumbled there: However, whether it be kin or no to other Country Speeches, it matters not; but this we are assured of, it is near and dear to the Folk that utter it, who are so passionately fond of it, that they will scarce admit another into the Embraces of their Lips, which sputter forth a kind of loathing of our English Language; wherein, if a Question be asked them, they will with somewhat of disdain and choler make answer Dim saissonick, i. e. no English. Their Native Gibberish is usually prattled throughout the whole Taphydome, except in their Market Towns, whose Inhabitants being a little raised, and (as it were) pussy up into Bubbles above the ordinary Scum, do begin to despise it. Some of these being elevated above the common Level, and perhaps refined into the Quality of having two Suits, are apt to fancy themselves above their Tongue, and when in their t'other , are quite ashamed on't. 'Tis usually cashiered out of gentlemen's Houses, there being scarcely to be heard even one single Welsh Tone in many Families; their Children are instructed in the Anglican Ideom, and their Schools are Paedagogued with Professors of the same; so that (if the Stars prove lucky) there may be some glimmering hopes that the British Lingua may be quite extinct, and may be Englished out of Wales, as Latin was barbarously Gothed out of Italy.  
The Cambro-Brittons are great admirers of Heroic Actions, and much honour the Memory of Famous Achievements; in so much, that rather than a Dead-doing Man shall perish in Oblivion, they will Eternize his Name by the Monument of a Straw, or some such inconsiderable trifle; as appears by that Famous Example of that Saint of their Country, Bishop David, who being a pert fighter, and having sound basted and swaddled their Foes, is at this day consecrated to Posterity by the Trophy of a Leek; and smells as rank of Renown from that Vegetable Preservative that Embalms his Fame, as they do of a Scullion that carry it about for his Glory. Their Hats are set with this Aniversary Badge and Emblem of Honour, and triumph on the first of March; which Day hath been christened by his Name, and being Dubbed an Holiday, hath worn yearly in the Almanac a Scarlet Letter.  
There is one thing more also very observable among them, and that is, that of all the maimed Persons that ever we read of, we find none comparable for nimbleness to a Cambrian Cripple; a pregnant Proof whereof was presented to us in this following Instance; A Fellow with Crutches moved by Protrusion in a certain Wheel-barrow, espying a Bear near the Rear of the Thruster, was so surprised with horror at this tremendous sight, that he packed up his Pedestals, i. e. tucked his Oaken Shins to the Zodiac of his Girdle, and away he fled; Bruin and the Protrusor in vain trooped after him, who led them a risk with such winged speed, that they could never o'er take him; He clearly outstripped them, to the Eternal Glory and Renown of Welsh Lameness.  
These are some of the choicest Observations we made when conversant among the British Mountains; we might easily have added more, (the whole Nation indeed being but on● grand Remark) had not the suddenness of our Return prevented us. If it should chance to be our Lot to set our Feet on that Soil a second time, we shall venture to present another Show of it; for 'tis pity such a rare sight as Wales should want a Trumpet, nay and a Fool too to proclaim and expose it to the World.  
After we had crammed our Budget with these few Notices, we joged on with our Fraught to the Brink of the Sea, where mounted on a Pinnace we road to Bristol, from whence with all possible speed we trudged in a few days to the Metropolis of the Nation called London.  
FINIS.