THE WORKS Of the Famous Mr. FRANCIS RABELAIS DOCTOR in PHYSIC, Treating of the Lives, Heroic Deeds, and Sayings of GARGANTUA And his Son PANTAGRUEL. To which is newly added the Life of the AUTHOR.  
Written Originally in French, and Translated into English by Sr THOMAS VRCHARD K t.  
LONDON, Printed for R. B. and are to be sold by john Starkey, at the Mitre betwixt the Middle Temple Gate and Temple Bar in Fleetstreet. 1664.   

To the Reader.  
I Need not to enter into the praises of the Book I present thee, it shall suffice to tell you, that all men of wit formerly made him their companion, placed him in their Cabinets, and read him in private: No man was a good companion who had not Rabelais at his finger's ends, and no feast did relish, if not seasoned with the witty sayings of this Author: and if the Book hath since been in less esteem, ●tis that being ignorant of the several particulars in the History we do not so easily perceive the Satiric wit; and the defficulty of understanding many words, ●essen's much the pleasure: therefore dear Reader, to make your divertisement more ●asy in the reading a Book the most facetious and witty that e'er was penned, I present him, such as I found him in the oldest and best impressions, together with some observations upon the most remarkable passages of the History of his ●ime. I have added the Author's life, and some remarks upon the wittiest and pleasantest tricks of this Gallant Man.   

THE LIFE OF FRANCIS RABELAIS DOCTOR IN PHYSIC.  
FRancis Rabelais was born in a little Town called Chinon in the Country of Touraine, and was ent●r'd a youth in the Convent of the Cordeliers o● Fontenay le Co●te, in the lower Poictou, and in a short time became a● able man, witness Budaeus, his Greek Epistles, where he commends him for attaining the Mastership of that Tongue, yet deplores his misfortune for being envied by his companions who for a long time conceived il● thoughts of him, for his excellency in this language, which they esteemed barbarous, being not capable of reaching the sweetness thereof.  
The like accident befell the learned Erasmus, and the famous Rabanus Magnen●ius Maurus, Lord Abbot of Fulde, and Archbishop of Mayence, this man living at his Abbey composed several learned pieces of Poetry which begot the ill will of his Monks, accusing him for applying himself too hard to sacred studies and neglecting the increasing of his temporal estate: which caused him to retire unto the Court of Lewis King of Germany his Protector; where his Monks acknowledging their fault, and experiencing the loss of so excellent a person, came and made him satisfaction, humbly requesting him, to take upon him the Administration of the Monastery, which he refused.  
To pursue Ra●elais's life, as he had a most pleasing humour, so many of the great ones at Court were extremely delighted with his Buffoneries, and at their instigation left his Cloister, and-obtained leave of Pope Clement the 7th. to remove himself from the order of St. Franci●, to that of St. Bennet at Maillezais in Poitou. But after that, to the great scandal of the Church, he left the regular habit, for the secular, in which he wandered through many places of the world; he went to Montpellier in Languedo, took all the degrees of the University, & professed Physic with much reputation; here he read Physic publicly and had many followers, as he himself writes to the Bishop of Maillezais his Moecenae; here he composed his works upon Hipocrates highly esteemed by the most learned Physicians.  
Since, leaving this place, he came to Paris during the Reign of Francis the first, Father and restorer of all sciences Rabelais by his ingenuity quickly be got the acquaintance and friendship o● many able and learned men, and of the best quality. Amongst the rest john Cardinal du Bellai finding his capacity▪ made him his servant and Companion when he went Ambassador from the most Christian King unto the Pop● Paul the third; in this Voyage to Italy accompanying his Master to audience he put a trick upon his Holiness, as th● merry report runs of him: he lived a pretty while in the Court of Rome, contracted friendship with many Cardinals, as appears by his letters: And at the same time he obtained absolution from the same Pope, having incurred the Ecclesiastical censures, partly by his dissolute and debauched life, as by his free and drolling humour, mocking and jesting at all persons, and of all sorts at Lucian's example.  
Soon after this most generous Cardinal took him off from his profession of Physic, to make use of him in his most secret negotiations, and made him Prebend of the Collegiate Church of St. Maur, and Curate of the Church of Meudon near Paris; here he did not (as 'twas believed) compose his Pantagruellism, but rather at another place called the Deanery, near the Abbey of our Lady's of Sevill near Chinon, which furnished matter for this famous Satire. The Conversation Rabelais had with the Monks of the house, who at that time lived not in the austerity of their order, makes him make use of the Sachristain, the Vigneard of Sevill, Lernans, Bacheos, and of the Sibill● of Pansoust, places adjacent to the Abbey he makes mention of.  
This Piece of work was not sooner published but he begot the blame and envy of the world, which occasioned him in the year 1552. to write a condoling letter unto his friend Odet Cardinal Chattillon, giving the reason that moved him to compose it, which was to remove the disquiet and tediousness from sick and languishing persons, who were diverted and consolated by this innocent mirth, deploring the calumnious envy of some Cannibals so animated against him, as to say the Book was stuffed with heresies; which Francis the first being made acquainted with, and having the curiosity to read the Book, found it unblameable.  
This satiric work, by the single approbation of the Precedent de Thou, is no contemptible piece, nor takes off our Author from other works more serious and learned; as are Hypocrates his Aphorisms, which he purely & faithfully put into Latin, and several letters, both French and Latin, which he writ with a neat stile unto the Cardinal Chattillon, the Bishop of Maillezais, to Andrew Tiragneau, and to other persons of great learning: he published also the Sciomachia and feasts made at Rome in Cardinal du Bellays Palace at the Birth of the Duke of Orleans; and 'tis observed by his letters, that he was a man of great business, having begot the friendship of many Prelates and Cardinals at Rome. It is not certain when he died, yet some say in the year 1553. as relates the Reverend Father Peter St. Romuald of the order of the Feillans, in the third part of his Chronological Treasury, where he mentions several particulars of his life.  
joachim du Bellay, john Anthony Baif, Peter Bautanger, & other learned Poets, have composed Epitaphs to his memory; Stephen Pasquier relates this following one in his Book of Tombs.  
Sive sit Lucianus alter, sive sit Cynicus, quid hospes adte? etc.  
And in another place of his Book,  
Ille ego gallorum gallus democritus, illo, etc.  
Many learned persons make mention of him in their works, Budaeus Master of Requests in his Greek Epistles, james Aug: de Thou, Precedent of the Court of Parliament in the 38. Book of his History, and in the treaty he composed of his life, Peter Ronsard Prince of Poets, Theodore Beza in his Poetries, Stephen Pasquier in his Inquiries; Clement Marot; Stephen Dolet, Sir Francis Bacon, in his Book of augmentation of Sciences, Andrew Du Chesne in his Antiquities of France, Gabriel Michael, de la Roche-Maillet in his lines of illustrious Persons, Monsieur de la Croix du maine in his Library, Anthony du Verdier in his Prosographia, Francis Rouchin Doctor in Physic in Montpellier, and other Historians, named in the Piece called Floretum Philosophicum, where there is an ample account of his life and of those have writ of him.  

Particulars of the life and humour of Francis Rabelais.  
HE was born in Chinon a little Town in Touraine, his Father was an Apothecary called Thomas Rabelais, and owner of the Deanery; he was placed young amongst the Monks of the Abbey of Sevill, of which depends the Deanery, where proffiting little, his Father sent him to Angiers to study his humanity's in the Convent of Bamette, where he did not much more than beget the acquaintance of the du Bellays, one of which was since Cardinal, where 'tis said for some roguery he was sound beaten and wounded.  
He lived under the Reign of Francis the first, and 'tis said that the Chancellor Du Prat, having a pick against the Town of Mont-●ellier, caused an arrest to be published, for the abolishing of the privileges of the faculty of Physic in that Town, Rabelais was thought fit and capable, being known to Cardinal Bellay, to be deputed to Court, to endeavour the revocation of this arrest by the mediation and favour of Monsieur Du Bellay, who was a favourite of Francis the first; being in Paris and finding no access to the Chancellor, he counterfeited himself mad, and put on a green Gown and a long grey beard, and thus he walked a good while before the Chancellor's house, which was then near the great Convent of the Augustins; many people, and amongst the rest some of the Chancellor's domestics enquiring of him what he was? he answered, he was the fleaer of Calves, and that they that would be first flayed must make haste.  
The Chancellor made acquainted with this discourse, commanded he should be brought in at dinner time; Rabelais being entered, made a Speech so learned and full of authority, that the Chancellor set him at his feet, and promised him the confirming of the privilege of Mont-pellier, which since was performed, in memory of which all Doctors upon their reception wear Rabelais' green gown, which is with them in great esteem, as 'tis well known.  
Cardinal Du Bellay deputed Ambassador to Rome, took with him Rabelais in quality of his Physician: 'tis usual for Ambassadors to kiss the Pope's toe, the Cardinal himself, and the rest of his followers having performed the ceremony, Rabelais refused it with a jest.  
Another time the Cardinal with the rest of his family went to beg a largess of the Pope, Rabelais requested to make his demand, desired his holiness to excommunicate him.  
The demand being thought impertinent, was ill relished, but being asked the reason why he made it? he gave in answer, that he was born in a little Town called Chinon, very subject to fire, and that there had already been burnt many honest men, and some of his kindred, and if your holiness excommunicated me I should never burn.  
My reason is, said he, that passing through Tarrant in the Cardinal's Train, where the cold was great, and coming to a little Cabin where inhabited a poor old woman, we desired her to kindle us a faggot, which endeavouring to do, she burned almost all her straw bed, and could not light the faggot, which made her curse and swear that the faggot was excommunicated by the Pope's own mouth, since it would not burn.  
These Railleries' and freedom he took at Rome, forced him to fly into France in a sad equipage, without any money and a foot.  
Having reached to lians, he bethought himself of a stratagem wherein a man less known would have found more danger, at the town's end he filled a Portmantle with several rags of several colours, and coming to an Inn, he desired a good Chamber, telling his Hostess, that though she saw him in so bad an equipage and a foot, yet he was able to pay her the best shot she ever received; he desired a Chamber remote from company, some Boy that could read & write, and some bread and wine; this being granted, in the little boy's absence he made up several little bundles or parcels of the Ashes he found in the Chimney, the boy being come with pen and ink, he made him write upon one, poison for to kill the King; upon the second, poison for to kill the Queen; and upon the third, poison for to kill the Duke of Orleans, and so of the rest of the sons of France, fastened the bills upon each of the little bundles, and told the boy, Child take a care you speak not of this to your Mother or to any body else, for both your life and mine is concerned, then put up all in his Portmantle, and called for dinner, which was brought up.  
Whilst he dined the Child told all to his Mother, who transported with fear, thought she was obliged to acquaint the Provost therewith, by reason of the Pilgrims ill garb and equipage.  
This happened presently after the Dolphin was poisoned, which afflicted all France very much: The Provost is advertised, he makes slight informations, enters Rabelais' Chamber, seizes him and his Portmantle: his ill Garb, the weariness of his journey, and the cross answers he made increased the suspicion; he said little else than Take a care of my Portmantle, bring me before the King for I have strange things to discover unto him.  
He is presently set on horseback and dispatched for Paris, is well entertained by the way, and in few days he arrives there, is brought before the King who knew him, the Provost accuses him, shows the Portmantle, the several parcels of Ashes; Rabelais relates his story, takes of the several Ashes before the King, all ended in laughter and mirth.  
His Brother or Nephew born likewise at Chinon was an Apothecary, and lived at the same Deanery in good esteem and plenty, he died about the year 1518. left but one Son not witty, who died in an Hospital after he had spent 20000 livres which he had of Inheritance near the Deanery, where grows the best Grape of Chinon, and near the Abbey of Sevill.  
His death was not unlike his life, for he died as he lived, aged 70 years, Cardinal Bellay sent a Page to inquire of his health, here was his answer, tell thy Lord in what condition thou see'st me in; I am going in quest of a great perhaps. He is in the Magpies nest, there let him keep himself, thou wilt always be a fool, draw the curtain, the farce is played.    

The first BOOK Of the WORKS of Mr. FRANCIS RABELAIS, DOCTOR IN Physic: Containing five Books of the Lives, Heroic Deeds, and Sayings of GARGANTUA, And his SON PANTAGRUEL. TOGETHER With the Pantagrueline Prognostication, the Oracle of the divine Bacbuc, and response of the bottle.  
Hereunto are annexed the Navigations unto the sounding Isle, and the Isle of the Apedefts: as likewise the Philosophical cream with a Limosm Epistle. All done by Mr. FRANCIS RABELAIS, in the French Tongue, and now faithfully translated into English.  
〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉  
LONDON, Printed for Richard Baddeley, within the middle Temple-gate. 1653.   

TO THE HONOURED, NOBLE Translator OF RABELAIS.  
RABELAIS whose wit prodigiously was made  
All men, professions, actions to invade,  
With so much furious vigour, as if it  
Had lived, o'er each of them and each had quit:  
Yet with such happy slight and careless skill  
As, like the serpent, doth with laughter kill;  
So that although his noble leaves appear  
Antic and Gottish, and dull souls forbear  
To turn them o'er, left they should only find  
Nothing but savage Monsters of a mind;  
No shapen beauteous thoughts; yet when the wise  
Seriously strip him of his wild disguise,  
Melt down his dross, refine his massy ore,  
And polish that which seemed rough-cast before,  
Search his deep sense, unveil his hidden mirth,  
And make that fiery which before seemed earth;  
(Conquering those things of highest consequence,  
What's difficult of language or of sense)  
He will appear some noble table writ,  
In th' old Egyptian Hieroglyphic wit:  
Where though you Monsters and Grotescoes see,  
You meet all mysteries of Philosophy.  
For he was wise and Sovereignly bred  
To know what mankind● is, 〈◊〉 may be led:  
He stooped unto them, like that wiseman, who  
Rid on a stick when's children would do so.  
For we are easy sullen things, and must  
Be laughed aright, and cheated into trust,  
Whilst a black piece of Phlegm that lays about  
Dull menaces, and terrifies the rout.  
And Cajoles it with all its peevish strength  
Piteous stretched and borrowed up into length,  
Whilst the tired rabble steepily obey  
Such opiate talk, and 〈…〉 the day.  
By all his noise as much their minds releeves,  
As caterwalling of wild Cats frights thiefs.  
But RABELAIS was another thing, a man  
Made up of all that Art and Nature can  
Form from a fiery Genius, he was one▪  
Whose soul so universally was thrown  
Through all the Arts of life, who understood  
Each stratagem by which we stray from good  
So that he best might solid virtue teach,  
As some against sins of their own bosoms preach:  
He from wise choice did the true means prefer,  
In the fool's coat acting th' Philosopher.  
Thus hoary Esop's beasts did mildly tame  
Fierce man, and moralise him into shame;  
Thus brave Romances while they seem to lay  
Great trains of lust, Platonic love display;  
Thus would old Sparta, if a seldom chance  
Showed a drunk slave, teach children temperance;  
Thus did the later Poets nobly bring  
The scene to height, making the fool the King.  
And, noble Sir, you vigorously have trod  
In this hard path, unknown, un-understood  
By its own countrymen, 'tis you appear  
Our full enjoyment which was our despair,  
Scattering his mists, cheering his Cynic frowns  
(For radiant brightness now dark Rabelais crowns.)  
Leaving your brave Heroic cares which must  
Make better mankind and embalm your dust,  
So undeceiving us that now we see  
All wit in Gascone and in Cromartie,  
Besides that Rabelais is conveyed to us,  
And that our Scotland is not barbarous.  
J. de la Salle.   

RABLOPHILA, The first DECADE.  

The Commendation.  
MUsa! canas nostrorum in testimonium Amorum,  
Et GARGANTUEAS perpetuato faces.  
Utque homini tali resultet nobilis ECCHO:  
Quicquid Fama canit, PANTAGRUELIS erit.   

The ARGUMENT.  
Here I intent mysteriously to sing  
With a pen plucked from Fame's own wing.  
Of Garagantua that learned Breech-wiping King.   

DECADE the first.  

I.  
Help me, propitious STARS; a mighty blaze  
Benumm's me! I must sound the praise  
Of him hath turned this crabbed work in such heroic phrase.   

II.  
What wit would not court martyrdom to hold  
Upon his head a Laurel of gold,  
Where for each rich conceit a Pumpion-pearle is told?   

III.  
And such a one is this, Arts Masterpiece,  
A thing ne'er equalled by old Greece:  
A thing ne'er matched as yet, a real Golden-fleece.   

IV.  
Vice is a soldier fights against mankind;  
Which you may look but never find:  
For 'tis an envious thing, with cunning interlined.   

V.  
And thus he rails at drinking all before 'em,  
And for lewd women does be-whore 'em,  
And brings their painted-faces and black patches to th' Quorum.   

VI  
To drink he was a furious enemy  
Contented with a SIX PENNY—  
(With Diamond-hatband, silver spurs, six horses.) PIE▪   

VII.  
And for Tobacco's pate-rotunding smoke,  
Much had he said, and much more spoke,  
But 'twas not then found out, so the design was broke.   

VIII.  
Muse! Fancy! Faith! come now arise aloud,  
Assembled in a blew-veyned cloud,  
And this tall Infant in Angelic arms now shroud.   

IX.  
To praise it further I would now begin  
Were't not a thorough-faire and Inn,  
It harbours vice, though 't be to catch it in a gin.   

X.  
Therefore, my Muse, draw up thy flowing sail,  
And acclamate a gentle HAIL  
With all thy Art and Metaphors, which must prevail.   

jam prima Oceani pars est praeterita nostri.  
Imparibus restat danda secunda modis.  
Quam si praestiterit mentem Daemon malus addam,  
cum sapiens totus prodierit RABELAIS.   
MALEVOLUS.    

REader, the Erratas, which in this book are not a few, are casually lost, and therefore the Translator not having leisure to collect them again, craves thy pardon for such as thou mayest meet with.   

THE AUTHOR'S Prologue To the FIRST BOOK.  
MOST Noble and Illustrious Drinkers, and you thrice precious Pock●fied blades; (for to you, and none else do I dedicate my writings) Alcibiades, in that Dialogue of Plato's, which is entitled▪ The Banquet, whilst he was setting forth the praises of his Schoolmaster Socrates (without all question the Prince of Philosophers) amongst other discourses to that purpose said, that he resembled the Silenes. Silenes of old were little boxes, like those we now may see in the shops of Apothecaries, painted on the outside with wanton toyish figures, as Harpies, Satyrs, bridled Geese, horned Hares, saddled Ducks, flying Goats, Thiller Harts, and other such like counterfeited pictures at discretion, to excite people unto laughter, as Silenus himself, who was the foster-father of good Bacchus, was wont to do; but within those capricious caskets were carefully preserved and kept many rich jewels, and fine drugs, such us Balm, Ambergris, Amaimon, Musk, Civet, with several kinds of precious stones, and other things of great price. Just such another thing was Socrates, for to have eyed his outside, and esteemed of him by his exterior appearance, you would not have given the peel of an Oinion for him, so deformed he was in body, and ridiculous in his gesture: he had a sharp pointed nose, with the look of a Bull, and countenance of a fool: he was in his carriage simple, boorish in his apparel, in fortune poor, unhappy in his wives, unfit for all offices in the Commonwealth, always laughing, tippling, and merrily carousing to every one, with continual gybes and jeers, the better by those means to conceal his divine knowledge: now opening this box you would have found within it a heavenly and inestimable drug, a more than humane understanding, an admirable virtue, matchless learning, invincible courage, unimitable sobriety, certain contentment of mind, perfect assurance, and an incredible misregard of all that, for which men commonly do so much watch, run, sail, fight, travel, toil and turmoil themselves.  
Whereunto (in your opinion) doth this little flourish of a preamble tend? For so much as you, my good disciples, and some other jolly fools of ease and leisure, reading the pleasant titles of some books of our invention, as Gargantua, 
Fessepinet  Pantagruel, Whippot, the dignity of Codpieces, of Pease and Bacon with a Commentary, etc. are too ready to judge, that there is nothing in them but jests, mockeries, lascivious discourse, and recreative lies; because the outside (which is the Title) is usually (without any farther enquiry) entertained with scoffing and derision: but truly it is very unbeseeming to make so slight account of the works of men, seeing yourselves avouch that it is not the habit makes the Monk, many being Monasterially accoutred, who inwardly are nothing less than monachal, and that there are of those that wear Spanish caps, who have but little of the valour of Spaniards in them. Therefore is it, that you must open the book, and seriously consider of the matter treated in it, then shall you find that it containeth things of far higher value than the box did promise; that is to say, that the subject thereof is not so foolish, as by the Title at the first sight it would appear to be.  
And put the case that in the literal sense, you meet with purposes merry and solacious enough, and consequently very correspondent to their inscriptions, yet must not you stop there as at the melody of the charming Sirens, but endeavour to interpret that in a sublimer sense, which possibly you intended to have spoken in the jollity of your heart; did you ever pick the lock of a cupboard to steal a bottle of wine out of it? Tell me truly, and if you did call to mind the countenance which then you had? or did you ever see a Dog with a marrowbone in his mouth (the beast of all other, says Plato, lib. 2. de Republica, the most Philosophical) if you have seen him, you might have remarked with what devotion and circumspectness he wards and watcheth it; with what care he keeps it: how fervently he holds it: how prudently he gobbets it: with what affection he breaks it: and with what diligence he sucks it: to what end all this? what moveth him to take all these pains? what are the hopes of his labour? what doth he expect to reap thereby? nothing but a little marrow: True it is, that this little is more savoury and delicious than the great quantities of other sorts of meat, because the marrow (as Galen testifieth, 5. facult. nat. & 11. de usu partium) is a nourishment most perfectly elaboured by nature.  
In imitation of this Dog, it becomes you to be wise, to smell, feel and have in estimation these fair goodly books, stuffed with high conceptions, which though seemingly easy in the pursuit, are in the cope and encounter somewhat difficult; and then like him you must, by a sedulous Lecture, and frequent meditation, break the bone, and suck out the marrow; that is, my allegorical sense, or the things I to myself propose to be signified by these Pythagorical Symbols, with assured hope, that in so doing, you will at last attain to be both well-advised and valiant by the reading of them; for in the perusal of this Treatise, you shall find another kind of taste, and a doctrine of a more profound and abstruse consideration, which will disclose unto you the most glorious Sacraments, and dreadful mysteries, as well in what concerneth your Religion, as matters of the public State, and Life oeconomical.  
Do you believe upon your conscience, that Homer whilst he was a couching his Iliads and Odysseys, had any thought upon those Allegories, which Plutarch, Heraclides, Ponticus, Fristatius, Cornutus' squeezed out of him, and which Politian filched again from them: if you trust it, with neither hand nor foot do you come near to my opinion, which judgeth them to have been as little dreamt of by Homer, 
Frere lubin croque lardon.  as the Gospel-sacraments were by Ovid in his Metamorphosis, though a certain gulligut Friar and true bacon-picker, would have undertaken to prove it, if perhaps he had met with as very fools as himself (and as the Proverb says) a lid worthy of such a kettle; if you give no credit thereto, why do not you the same in these jovial new chronicles of mine; albeit when I did dictate them, I thought upon no more than you, who possibly were drinking (the whilst) as I was; for in the composing of this lordly book, I never lost nor bestowed any more, nor any other time than what was appointed to serve me for taking of my bodily refection, that is, whilst I was eating and drinking. And indeed that is the fittest, and most proper hour, wherein to write these high matters and deep Sciences: as Homer knew very well, the Paragon of all Philologues, and Ennius, the father of the Latin Poets (as Horace calls him) although a certain sneaking jobernol alleged that his Verses smelled more of the wine than oil.  
So saith a Turlupin or a new startup grub of my books, but a turd for him. The fragrant odour of the wine; O how much more dainty, pleasant, laughing, 
* Riant, priant, friand.  celestial and delicious it is, than that smell of oil! and I will glory as much when it is said of me, that I have spent more on wine than oil, as did Demosthenes, when it was told him, that his expense on oil was greater than on wine; I truly held it for an honour and praise to be called and reputed a frolic Gualther, and a Robin goodfellow; for under this name am I welcome in all choice companies of Pantagruelists: it was upbraided to Demosthenes by an envious surly knave, that his Orations did smell like the sarpler or wrapper of a foul and filthy oile-vessel; for this cause interpret you all my deeds & sayings in the perfectest sense; reverence the cheese-like brain that feeds you with these fair billevezees, and trifling jollities, and do what lies in you to keep me always merry. Be frolic now my lads, cheer up your hearts, and joyfully read the rest, with all the ease of your body and profit of your reins; but harken jolt-heads, you viedazes, or dickens take ye, remember to drink a health to me for the like favour again, and I will pledge you instantly, Tout ears meties.   

RABELAIS TO THE Reader.  
GOod friends, my Readers, who peruse this Book,  
Be not offended, whilst on it you look:  
Denude yourselves of all depraved affection,  
For it contains no badness, nor infection:  
'Tis true that it brings forth to you no birth  
Of any value, but in point of mirth;  
Thinking therefore how sorrow might your mind  
Consume, I could no apt subject find;  
One inch of joy surmounts of grief a span;  
Because to laugh, is proper to the man.   

CHAP. I.  
Of the Genealogy and Antiquity of GARGANTUA.  
I Must refer you to the great Chronicle of Pantagruel for the knowledge of that Genealogy, and Antiquity of race by which Gargantua is come unto us; in it you may understand more at large how the Giants were born in this world, and how from them by a direct line issued Gargantua the father of Pantagruel: and do not take it ill, if for this time I pass by it, although the subject be such, that the oftener it were remembered, the more it would please your worshipful Seniorias; according to which you have the authority of Plato in Philebo and Gorgias; and of Flaccus, who says that there are some kinds of purposes (such as these are without doubt) which the frequentlier they be repeated, still prove the more delectable.  
Would to God every one had as certain knowledge of his Genealogy since the time of the Ark of Noah until this age. I think many are at this day Emperors, Kings, Dukes, Princes, and Popes on the earth, whose extraction is from some porters, and pardon-pedlars, as on the contrary, many are now poor wand'ring beggars, wretched and miserable, who are descended of the blood and lineage of great Kings and Emperors, occasioned (as I conceive it) by the transport and revolution of Kingdoms and Empires from the Assyrians to the Medes, from the Medes to the Persians, from the Persians to the Macedonians, from the Macedonians to the Romans, from the Romans to the Greeks, from the Greeks to the French, etc.  
And to give you some hint concerning myself, who speaks unto you, I cannot think but I am come of the race of some rich King or Prince in former times, for never yet saw you any man that had a greater desire to be a King, and to be rich, than I have; and that only that I may make good cheer, do nothing, nor care forany thing, and plentifully enrich my friends, and all honest and learned men: but herein do I comfort myself, that in the other world I shall be so, yea and greater too then at this present I dare wish: as for you, with the same or a better conceit consolate yourselves in your distresses, and drink fresh if you can come by it.  
To return to our weathers, I say, that by the sovereign gift of heaven, the Antiquity and Genealogy of Gargantua hath been reserved for our use more full and perfect then any other except that of the Messias, whereof I mean not to speak; for it belongs not unto my purpose, and the Devils (that is to say) the false accusers, and dissembled gospelers will therein oppose me. This Genealogy was found by john Andrew in a meadow, which he had near the Pole-arch, under the Olive-tree, as you go to Marsay: where, as he was making cast up some ditches, the diggers with their mattocks struck against a great brazen tomb, and unmeasurably long, for they could never find the end thereof, by reason that it entered too far within the Sluices of Vienne; opening this Tomb in a certain place thereof, sealed on the top with the mark of a goblet, about which was written in Hetrurian letters HIC BIBITUR; They found nine Flagons set in such order as they use to rank their kyles in Gasconie, of which that which was placed in the middle, had under it a big, fat, great, grey, pretty, small, mouldy, little pamphlet, smelling stronger, but no better than Roses. In that book the said Genealogy was found written all at length, in a Chancery hand, not in paper, not in parchment, nor in wax, but in the bark of an elmetree, yet so worn with the long tract of time, that hardly could three letters together be there perfectly discerned.  
I (though unworthy) was sent for thither, and with much help of those Spectacles, whereby the art of reading dim writings, and letters that do not clearly appear to the sight, is practised, as Aristotle teacheth it, did translate the book as you may see in your pantagruelising, that is to say, in drinking stiffly to your own hearts desire; and reading the dreadful and horrifick acts of Pantagruel: at the end of the book there was a little Treatise entitled the Antidoted Fanfreluches, or a Galimatia of extravagant conceits. The rats and moths, or (that I may not lie) other wicked beasts, had nibbled off the beginning, the rest I have hereto subjoined, for the reverence I bear to antiquity.   

THE Antidoted Fanfreluches: Or, A Galimatia of extravagant conceits found in an ancient Monument.  

NO sooner did the Cymbrians overcommer  
Pass through the air to shun the dew of summer  
But at his coming straight great tubs were filled;  
With pure fresh Butter down in showers distilled  
Wherewith when watered was his Grandam heigh  
A loud he cried, Fish it, Sir, I pray ye;  
Because his beard is almost all bewrayed,  
Or that he would hold to●m a scale he prayed.   

To lick his slipper, some told was much better,  
Then to gain pardons and the merit greater,  
In th'interim a crafty chuff approaches,  
From the depth issued, where they fish for Roches;  
Who said, Good sirs, some of them let us save,  
The Eel is here, and in this hollow cave  
You'll find, if that our looks on it demur,  
A great waist in the bottom of his fur.   

To read this Chapter when he did begin,  
Nothing but a calf's horns were found therein;  
I feel (quoth he) the Mitre which doth hold  
My head so i'll, it makes my brains take cold.  
Being with the perfume of a Turnip warmed,  
To stay by chimney hearths himself he armed,  
Provided that a new thill horse they made  
Of every person of a hair-braind head.   

They talked of the bunghole of Saint Knowles,  
Of Gilbathar and thousand other holes;  
If they might be reduced t' a scarry stuff,  
Such as might not be subject to the cough:  
Since every man unseemly did it find,  
To see them gaping thus at every wind:  
For if perhaps they handsomely were closed  
For pledges they to men might be exposed.   

In this arrest by Hercules the Raven  
Was flayed at her return from Lybia haven,  
Why am not I said Minos there invited,  
Unless it be myself not one's omitted:  
And then it is their mind I do no more  
Of Frogs and Oysters send them any store;  
In case they spare my life and prove but civil,  
I give their sale of distaffs to the Devil.   

To quell him comes Q. R. who limping frets  
At the safe pass of trixie Crackarets,  
The boulter, the grand Cyclops cousin, those  
Did massacre whilst each one wiped his nose;  
Few ingles in this fallow ground are bred,  
But on a Tanner's mill are winnowed:  
Run thither all of you th'alarms sound clear,  
You shall have more than you had the last year.   

Short while thereafter was the bird of jove  
Resolved to speak, though dismal it should prove;  
Yet was afraid when he saw them in ire,  
They should or'throw quite flat down dead th'empire  
He rather chused the fire from heaven to steal,  
To boats where were red Herrings put to sale;  
Then to be calm against those who strive to brave us,  
And to the Massorets fond words enslave us.   

All this at last concluded gallantly,  
In spite of Ate and her Hern-like thigh,  
Who sitting saw Penthesilea ta'en,  
In her old age for a cresse-selling quean:  
Each one cried out thou filthy Collier toad,  
Doth it become thee to be found abroad?  
Thou hast the Roman Standard filched away,  
Which they in rags of parchment did display.   

juno was borne who under the Rainbow,  
Was a bird-catching with her Duck below:  
When her with such a grievous trick they plied  
That she had almost been bethwacked by it:  
The bargain was that of that throat full she  
Should of Proserpina have two eggs free;  
And if that she thereafter should be found,  
She to a How-thorn hill should be fast bound.   

Seven months thereafter lacking twenty two,  
He that of old did Carthage town undo:  
Did bravely midst them all himself advance,  
Requiring of them his inheritance;  
Although they justly made up the division,  
According to the shoe-welt-lawes decision;  
By distributing store of brews and beef  
To those poor fellows that did pen the Brief.   

But th' year will come sign of a Turkish Bow,  
Five spindle's yarnd, and three pot-bottomes too,  
Wherein of a discourteous King the dock  
Shall peppered be under an Hermit's frock,  
Ah that for one she hypocrite you must  
Permit so many acres to be lost:  
Cease, cease, this vizard may become another,  
Withdraw yourselves unto the Serpent's brother.   

'Tis in times past that he who is shall reign  
With his good friends in peace now and again;  
No rash nor heady Prince shall then rule crave,  
Each good will its arbitrement shall have:  
And the joy promised of old as doom  
To the heaven's guests shall in its beacon come:  
Then shall the breeding mares that benumbed were  
Like royal palfreys ride triumphant there.   

And this continue shall from time to time,  
Till Mars be fettered for an unknown crime,  
Then shall one come who others will surpass,  
Delightful, pleasing, matchless, full of grace;  
Cheer up your hearts, approach to this repast,  
All trusty friends of mine for he's deceased,  
Who would not for a world return again,  
So highly shall time past be cried up then.   

He who was made of wax shall lodge each member  
Close by the hinges of a block of timber:  
We than no more shall master master hoot  
The swagger who th'alarum bell holds out;  
Could one seize on the dagger which he bears,  
Heads would be free from tingling in the ears  
To baffle the whole storehouse of abuses,  
And thus farewell Apollo and the Muses▪    

CHAP. III.  
How Gargantua was carried eleven months in his mother's belly.  
GRangousier was a good fellow in his time, and notable jester; he loved to drink neat, as much as any man that then was in the world, and would willingly eat salt meat: to this intent he was ordinarily well furnished with gammons of Bacon, both of Westphalia, Mayence and Bayone; with store of dried Neat's tongues, plenty of Links, Chitterlings and Puddings in their season; together with salt Beef and mustard, a good deal of hard rows of powdered mullet called Botargos, great provision of Sauciges, not of Bolonia (for he feared the Lombard boccone) but of Bigorre, Longaulnay, Brene, and Rovargue. In the vigour of his age he married Gargamelle, daughter to the King of the Parpaillons, a jolly pug, and well mouthed wench. These two did often times do the two backed beast together, joyfully rubbing & frotting their Bacon against one another, insofarre, that at last she became great with child of a fair son, and went with him unto the eleventh month, for so long, yea longer may a woman carry her great belly, especially when it is some masterpiece of nature, and a person predestinated to the performance, in his due time, of great exploits, as Homer says, that the child which Neptune begot upon the Nymph, was borne a whole year after the conception, that is, in the twelfth month; for as Aulus Gellius saith, libr. 3. this long time was suitable to the majesty of Neptune, that in it the child might receive his perfect form: for the like reason jupiter made the night, wherein he lay with Alcmene, last forty eight hours, a shorter time not being sufficient for the forging of Hercules, who cleansed the world of the monsters and Tyrants, wherewith it was suppressed. My masters, the ancient pantagruelists have confirmed that which I say, and withal declared it to be not only possible, but also maintained the lawful birth and legitimation of the infant borne of a woman in the eleventh month after the decease of her husband, Hypocrates, lib. de alimento. Plinius lib. 2. cap. 5. Plautus in his Cistellaria. Marcus Varo in his satire inscribed, The Testament, alleging to this purpose the authority of Aristotle. Censorinus lib. de die natali. Arist. lib. 2. cap. 3. & 4. de natura animalium. Gellius lib. 3. cap. 16. Servius in his exposition upon this verse of Virgil's Eclogues, Matri longa decem. etc. and a thousand other fools whose number hath been increased by the Lawyers. ff. de suis & Leg. intestato paragrapho fin. and in Auth. de restitu. & ea quae patit in xi mense; moreover upon these grounds they have foisted in their Robidilardick, or Lapiturolive Law. Gallus ff. de libr. & posth. L. sept. ff. de stat. hom. And some other Laws which at this time I dare not name; by means whereof the honest widows may without danger play at the close buttock game with might and main, and as hard as they can for the space of the first two months after the decease of their husbands. I pray you, my good lusty springal lads, if you find any of these females, that are worth the pains of untying the cod-peece-point, get up, ride upon them, and bring them to me; for if they happen within the third month to conceive, the child shall be heir to the deceased, if before he died he had no other children, and the mother shall pass for an honest woman.  
When she is known to have conceived, thrust forward boldly, spare her not whatever ever betid you, seeing the paunch is full; as julia the daughter of the Emperor Octavian never prostituted herself to her belly-bumpers, but when she found herself with child, after the manner of Ships that receive not their steersman, till they have their ballast and lading; and if any blame them for this their rataconniculation, and reiterated lechery upon their pregnancy and big-belliednesse, seeing beasts in the like exigent of their fullness, will never suffer the male-masculant to encroach them: their answer will be, that those are beasts, but they are women, very well skilled in the pretty vales, and small fees of the pleasant trade and mysteries of superfetation, as Populius heretofore answered, according to the relation of Macrobius lib. 2. Saturnal. If the Devil will not have them to bag, he must wring hard the spigot, and stop the bunghole.   

CHAP. IU.  
How Gargamelle, being great with Gargantua, did eat a huge deal of tripes.  
THe occasion and manner how Gargamelle was brought to bed, and delivered of her child, was thus: and if you do not believe it, I wish your bumgut fall out, and make an escapade, her bumgut indeed or fundament escaped her in an afternoon, on the third day of February, with having eaten at dinner too many Godebillios, Godebillios' are the fat tripes of coiros, coiros are beefs fattened at the cratch in Ox stalls, or in the fresh guimo meadows, guimo meadows are those that for their fruitfulness may be mowed twice a year: of those fat beefs they had killed three hundred sixty seven thousand and fourteen, to be salted at Shrovetide, that in the entering of the Spring they might have plenty of powdered beef wherewith to season their mouths at the beginning of their meals, and to taste their wine the better.  
They had abundance of tripes as you have heard, and they were so delicious, that every one licked his fingers, but the mischief was this, that for all men could do, there was no possibility to keep them long in that relish; for in a very short while they would have stunk, which had been an undecent thing: it was therefore concluded, that they should be all of them gulched up, without losing any thing; to this effect they invited all the Burguers of Sainais, of Suille, of the Roche clermand, of Vaugaudry, without omitting the Boudray, Monpensier, the Guedevede, and other their neighbours, all stiff drinkers, brave fellows, and good players at the kyles. The good man Grangousier took great pleasure in their company, and commanded there should be no want nor pinching for any thing: nevertheless he bade his wife eat sparingly, because she was near her time, and that these tripes were no very commendable meat: they would fain (said he) be at the chewing of ordure, that would eat the case wherein it was. Notwithstanding these admonitions, she did eat sixteen quarters, two bushels, three pecks and a pipkin full: O the fair fecality wherewith she swollen, by the ingrediency of such shitten stuff; after dinner they all went out in a hurl, to the grove of the willows, where on the green grass, to the sound of the merry Flutes, and pleasant Bagpipes, they danced so gallantly, that it was a sweet and heavenly sport to see them so frolic.   

CHAP. V.  
The discourse of the drinkers.  
THen did they fall upon the chat of victuals and some belly furniture to be snatched at in the very same place, which purpose was no sooner mentioned, but forthwith began flagons to go, gammons to troth, goblets to fly, great bowls to thing, glasses to ring, draw, reach, fill, mix, give it me without water, so my friend, so, whip me off this glass neatly, bring me hither some claret, a full weeping glass till it run over, acessation and truce with thirst. Ha thou false Fever, wilt thou not be gone? by my figgins, godmother, I cannot as yet enter in the humour of being merry, nor drink so currently as I would, you have catched a cold gammer, yea forsooth Sir; by the belly of Sanct Buf let us talk of our drink, I never drink but at my hours, like the Pope's Mule, and I never drink but in my breviary, like a fair father Gardien. Which was first, thirst or drinking? Thirst, for who in the time of innocence would have drunk without being a thirst? nay, Sir, it was drinking; for privatio praesupponit habitum. I am learned you see, Foecundi calices quem non fecere disertum? we poor innocents' drink but too much without thirst: not I truly, who am a sinner, for I never drink without thirst, either present or future, to prevent it, (as you know) I drink for the thirst to come; I drink eternally, this is to me an eternity of drinking, and drinking of eternity; let us sing, let us drink, and tune up our round-lays; where is my funnel? what, it seems I do not drink but by an Attorney? do you wet yourselves to dry, or do you dry to wet you? pish, I understand not the Rhetoric (Theoric I should say) but I help myself somewhat by the practice. Baste enough, I sup, I wet, I humect, I moisten my gullet, I drink, and all for fear of dying; drink always and you shall never die: If I drink not, I am a ground dry, gravelled and spent, I am stark dead without drink, and my soul ready to fly into some marish amongst Frogs; the soul never dwells in a dry place, drought kills it. O you butler's, creators of new forms, make me of no drinker a drinker, a perennity and everlastingness of sprinkling, and bedewing me through these my parched and sinnewy bowels; he drinks in vain that feels not the pleasure of it: this entereth into my veins, the pissing tools and urinals vessels shall have nothing of it. I would willingly wash the tripes of the calf, which I apparelled this morning. I have pretty well now ballasted my stomach, and stuffed my paunch: if the papers of my bonds and bills could drink as well as I do, my creditors would not want for wine when they come to see me, or when they are to make any formal exhibition of their rights to what of me they can demand; this hand of yours spoils your nose. O how many other such will enter here before this go out, what, drink so shallow, it is enough to break both girds and pettrel, this is called a cup of dissimulation, or flaggonal hypocrisy.  
What difference is there between a bottle and a flagon? 
La bouteille est fermele a bouchon, etle flaccon a vis.  great difference, for the bottle is stopped and shut up with a stoppel, but the flagon with a vice, bravely and well played upon the words, Our fathers drank lustily, and emptied their cans; well cacked, well sung; come let us drink: will you send nothing to the river, here is one going to wash the tripes: I drink no more than a sponge, I drink like a Templar Knight: and I tanquam sponsus, and I sicut terra sine aqua, give me a synonymon for a gammon of bacon? it is the compulsory of drinkers: it is a pulley; by a pully-rope wine is let down into a cellar, and by a gammon into the stomach, hei now boys hither, some drink some drink, there is no trouble in it, respice personam, pone pro duos, bus non est in usu. If I could get up as well as I can swallow down, I had been long ere now very high in the air.  
Thus became Tom tosspot rich, thus went in the Tailor's stitch: Thus did Bacchus conquer th' inde thus Philosophy Melinde: a little rain allays a great deal of wind: long tippling breaks the thunder. But if there came such liquor from my ballock, would not you willingly thereafter suck the udder whence it issued; here page fill; I prithee, forget me not when it comes to my turn, and I will enter the election I have made of thee into the very register of my heart. Sup Guillot, and spare not, there is yet somewhat in the pot. I appeal from thirst, and disclaim its jurisdiction. Page sue out my appeal in form, this remnant in the bottom of the glass must follow its Leader. I was wont heretofore to drink out all, but now I leave nothing. Let us not make too much haste, it is requisite we carry all along with us; hay day, here are tripes fit for our sport, and in earnest excellent Godebillios of the dun Ox (you know) with the black streak. O for God's sake let us lash them sound, 
Ouje vous je vous prie.  yet thriftily. Drink, or I will. No, no, drink I beseech you; sparrows will not eat unless you bob them on the tail, nor can I drink if I be not fairly spoke to. 
〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉, lateris cavitas: 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉, ●rcus: and 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉, alter▪  The concavities of my body are like another Hell for their capacity. Lagonaedatera, there is not a corner, nor cunniborow in all my body where this wine doth not ferret out my thirst. Ho, this will bang it sound, but this shall banish it utterly. Let us wind our horns by the sound of flagons and bottles, and cry aloud, that whoever hath lost his thirst, come not hither to seek it. Long clysters of drinking are to be voided without doors: the great God made the Planets, and we make the platters neat. I have the word of the Gospel in my mouth, Sitio. The stone called Asbestos, is not more unquenchable, than the thirst of my paternity. Appetite comes with eating says Angeston, but the thirst goes away with drinking. I have a remedy against thirst, quite contrary to that which is good against the biting of a mad dog keep running after a Dog, and he will never bite you, drink always before the thirst, & it will never come upon you. There I catch you, I awake you. Argus had a hundred eyes for his sight, a butler should have (like Briareus) a hundred hands wherewith to fill us wine indefatigably. hay now lads, let us moisten ourselves, it will be time to dry hereafter. White wine here, wine boys, pour out all in the name of Lucifer, fill here you, fill and fill (peascods on you) till it be full. My tongue peels. Lanstrinque, to thee Countryman, I drink to thee good fellow, camarade to thee, lusty, lively, ha, lafoy, lafoy, that was drunk to some purpose, and bravely gulped over. O lachryma Christi, it is of the best grape; I, faith, pure Greek, Greek, O the fine white wine, upon my conscience it is a kind of taffatas wine, hin, hin, it is of one ear, well wrought, and of good wool; courage comrade, up thy heart billy, we will not be beasted at this bout, for I have got one trick, ex hoc in hoc, there is no enchantment, nor charm there, every one of you hath seen it, my prenticeship is out, I am a free man at this trade. I am prester mast, 
Prestre macé maistre passé.  (Prish-Brun I should say) master passed. O the drinkers, those that are a dry, O poor thirsty souls, good Page my friend, fill me here some, and crown the wine I pray thee, like a Cardinal, Natura abhorret vacuum. Would you say that a fly could drink in this, this is after the fashion of Switzerland, clear off, neat, super-naculum, come therefore blades to this divine liquor, and celestial juice, swill it over heartily, and spare not, it is a decoction of Nectar and Ambrosia.   

CHAP. VI  
How Gargantua was borne in a strange manner.  
Whilst they were on this discourse, & pleasant tattle of drinking, Gargamelle began to be a little unweil in her lower parts; whereupon Grangousier arose from off the grass, and fell to comfort her very honestly and kindly, suspecting that she was in travel, and told her that it was best for her to sit down upon the grass under the willows, because she was like very shortly to see young feet, and that therefore it was convenient she should pluck up her spirits, and take a good heart of new at the fresh arrival of her baby, saying to her withal, that although the pain was somewhat grievous to her, it would be but of short continuance, and that the succeeding joy would quickly remove that sorrow, in such sort that she should not so much as remember it. On with a sheep's courage (quoth he) dispatch this boy, and we will speedily fall to work for the making of another. He (said she) so well as you speak at your own ease, you that are men; well then, in the name of God i'll do my best, seeing you will have it so, but would to God that it were cut off from you: what? (said Grangousier) ha' (said she) you are a good man indeed, you understand it well enough; what my member? (said he) by the goat's blood, if it please you that shall be done instantly, cause bring hither a knife; a 'las, (said she) the Lord forbid, I pray Jesus to forgive me, I did not say it from my heart, therefore let it alone, and do not do it neither more nor less any kind of harm for my speaking so to you; but I am like to have work enough to do to day, and all for your member, yet God bless you and it.  
Courage, courage, (said he) take you no care of the matter, let the four foremost oxen do the work. I will yet go drink one whiff more, and if in the mean time any thing befall you that may require my presence, I will be so near to you, that at the first whistling in your fist, I shall be with you forthwith: a little while after she began to groan, lament and cry, then suddenly came the midwives from all quarters, who groping her below, found some peloderies, which was a certain filthy stuff, and of a taste truly bad enough, this they thought had been the child, but it was her fundament, that was slipped out with the molification of her straight intrall, which you call the bumgut, and that merely by eating of too many tripes, as we have showed you before: whereupon an old ugly trot in the company, who had the repute of an expert she-Physician, and was come from Brispaille near to Saint Gnou threescore years before, made her so horrible a restrictive, and binding medicine, and whereby all her Larris, arse-pipes and conduits were so opilated, stopped, obstructed, and contracted, that you could hardly have opened and enlarged them with your teeth, which is a terrible thing to think upon; seeing the Devil at the Mass at Saint martin's was puzzled with the like task, when with his teeth he had lengthened out the parchment whereon he wrote the tittle tattle of two young mangy whores; by this inconvenient the cotyledons of her matrix, were presently loosed, through which the child sprung up and leapt, and so entering into the hollow vein, did climb by the diaphragm even above her shoulders, where that vein divides itself into two, and from thence taking his way towards the left side, issued forth at her left ear; as soon as he was borne, he cried not as other babes use to do, miez, miez, miez, miez, but with a high, sturdy and big voice shouted a loud, some drink, some drink, some drink, as inviting all the world to drink with him; the noise hereof was so extremely great, that it was heard in both the Countries at once, of Beauce and Bibarois. I doubt me that you do not throughly believe the truth of this strange nativity, though you believe it not I care not much: but an honest man, and of good judgement believeth still what is told him, and that which he finds written.  
Is this beyond our Law, or our faith? against reason or the holy Scripture? for my part, I find nothing in the sacred Bible that is against it; but tell me, if it had been the will of God, would you say that he could not do it? ha for favour sake (I beseech you) never emberlucock or inpulregafize your spirits with these vain thoughts and idle conceits; for I tell you, it is not impossible with God, and if he pleased all women henceforth should bring forth their children at the ear; was not Bacchus engendered out of the very thigh of jupiter? did not Roquetaillade come out at his mother's heel? and Crocmoush from the slipper of his nurse? was not Minerva born of the brain, even through the ear of jove? Adonis of the bark of a Myrre-tree; and Castor and Pollux of the doupe of that Egg which was laid and hatched by Leda? But you would wonder more, and with far greater amazement, if I should now present you with that chapter of Plinius, wherein he treateth of strange births, and contrary to nature, and yet am not I so impudent a liar as he was▪ Read the seventh book of his Natural History, chapt. 4. and trouble not my head any more about this.   

CHAP. VII.  
After what manner Gargantua had his name given him, and how he tippled, bibbed, and curried the can.  
THE good man Grangousier drinking and making merry with the rest, heard the horrible noise which his son had made as he entered into the light of this world, when he cried out, Some drink, some drink, some drink; whereupon he said in French, Que grand tuas et souple le gousier, that is to say, How great and nimble a throat thou hast; which the company hearing, said, that verily the child ought to be called Gargantua; because it was the first word that after his birth his father had spoke in imitation, and at the example of the ancient Hebrews, whereunto he condescended, and his mother was very well pleased therewith; in the mean while to quiet the child, they gave him to drink a tirelarigot, that is, till his throat was like to crack with it; then was he carried to the Font, and there baptised, according to the manner of good Christians.  
Immediately thereafter were appointed for him seventeen thousand, nine hundred, and thirteen Cows of the towns of Pautille and Breemond to furnish him with milk in ordinary, for it was impossible to find a Nurse sufficient for him in all the Country, considering the great quantity of milk that was requisite for his nourishment; although there were not wanting some Doctors of the opinion of Scotus, who affirmed that his own mother gave him suck, and that she could draw out of her breasts one thousand, four hundred, two pipes, and nine pails of milk at every time.  
Which indeed is not probable, and this point hath been found duggishly scandalous and offensive to tender ears, for that it savoured a little of Heresy; thus was he handled for one year and ten months, after which time by the advice of Physicians they began to carry him, and then was made for him a fine little cart drawn with Oxen, of the invention of jan Denio, wherein they led him hither and thither with great joy, and he was worth the seeing; for he was a fine boy, had a burly phisnomy, and almost ten chins; he cried very little, but beshit himself every hour: for to speak truly of him, he was wonderfully phlegmatic in his posteriors, both by reason of his natural complexion, and the accidental disposition which had befallen him by his too much quaffing of the septembral juice. Yet without a cause did not he sup one drop; for if he happened to be vexed, angry, displeased or sorry; if he did fret, if he did weep, if he did cry, and what grievous quarter soever he kept in bringing him some drink, he would be instantly pacified, reseated in his own temper, in a good humour again, and as still and quiet as ever. One of his governesses told me (swearing by her fig) how he was so accustomed to this kind of way, that, at the sound of pints and flagons he would on a sudden fall into an ecstasy, as if he had then tasted of the joys of Paradise: so that they upon consideration of this his divine complexion, would every morning to cheer him up, play with a knife upon the glasses, on the bottles with their stopples, and on the pottle-pots with their lids and covers, at the sound whereof he became gay, did leap for joy, would loll and rock himself in the cradle, then nod with his head, monocorsing his fingers, and barytonising with his tail.   

CHAP. VIII.  
How they apparelled Gargantua.  
BEing of this age, his father ordained to have clothes made to him in his own livery, which was white and blue. To work then went the Tailors, and with great expedition were those clothes made, cut, and sewed, according to the fashion that was then in request. I find by the ancient Records or Pancarts, to be seen in the chamber of accounts, or Count of the Exchequer at Montforeo, that he was accoutred in manner as followeth. To make him every shirt of his were taken up nine hundred els of Chatelero linen, and two hundred for the guissets, in manner of cushions, which they put under his armpits; his shirt was not gathered nor plaited, 
Besogner du cull, Englished, The eye of the needle.  for the plaiting of shirts was not found out, till the Seamsters (when the point of their needles was broken) began to work and occupy with the tail; there were taken up for his doublet, eight hundred and thirteen els of white Satin, and for his points fifteen hundred and nine dog's skins and a half. Then was it that men began to tie their breeches to their doublets, and not their doublets to their breeches: for it is against nature, as hath most amply been showed. Ockam upon the explonibles of Master Hautechaussade.  
For his breeches were taken up eleven hundred and five els, and a third of white broad cloth; They were cut in form of pillars, chamfered, channeled and pinked behind, that they might not overheat his reins: and were within the panes, puffed out with the lining of as much blue damask as was needful: and remark, that he had very good Leg-harnish, proportionable to the rest of his stature.  
For his Codpiece were used sixteen els, and a quarter of the same cloth, and it was fashioned on the top like unto a Triumphant Arch, most gallantly fastened with two enameled Clasps, in each of which was set a great Emerald, as big as an Orange; for, as says Orpheus lib. de lapidibus, and Plinius libr. ultimo, it hath an erective virtue and comfortative of the natural member. The extiture, out-jecting or out-standing of his Codpiece, was of the length of a yard, jagged and pinked, and withal bagging, and strutting out with the blue damask lining, after the manner of his breeches: but had you seen the fair Embroidery of the small needlework pearl, and the curiously interlaced knots, by the Goldsmith's Art, set out and trimmed with rich Diamonds, precious Rubies, fine Turquoises, costly Emeralds, and Persian pearls; you would have compared it to a fair Cornucopia, or Horn of abundance, such as you see in Antics, or as Rhea gave to the two Nymphs, Amalthea and Ida, the Nurses of jupiter.  
And like to that Horn of abundance, it was still gallant, succulent, droppie, sappy, pithy, lively, always flourishing, always fructifying, full of juice, full of flower, full of fruit, and all manner of delight. I avow God, it would have done one good to have seen him, but I will tell you more of him in the book which I have made of the dignity of Codpieces: One thing I will tell you, that as it was both long and large, so was it well furnished and victualled within, nothing like unto the hypocritical Codpieces of some fond Wooers, and Wench-courters, which are stuffed only with wind, to the great prejudice of the female sex.  
For his shoes, were taken up four hundred and six else of blue Crimson-velvet, and were very neatly cut by parallel lines, joined in uniform cylindres: for the soling of them were made use of eleven hundred Hides of brown Cows, shapen like the tail of a Keeling.  
For his coat were taken up eighteen hundred else of blue velvet, died in grain, embroidered in its borders with fair Gillyflowers, in the middle decked with silver pearl, intermixed with plates of gold, and store of pearls, hereby showing, that in his time he would prove an especial good fellow, and singular whip-can.  
His girdle was made of three hundred else and a half of silken serge, half white and half blue, if I mistake it not. His sword was not of Valentia, nor his dagger of Saragosa, for his father could not endure these hidalgoes borrachos maranisadoes como diabloes: but he had a fair sword made of wood, and the dagger of borled leather, as well painted and guilded as any man could wish.  
His purse was made of the cod of an Elephant, which was given him by Herre Praecontal, Proconsul of Lybia.  
For his Gown were employed nine thousand six hundred else, wanting two thirds, of blue velvet, as before, all so diagonally purled, that by true perspective issued thence an unnamed colour, like that you see in the necks of Turtle-doves or Turkey-cocks, which wonderfully rejoiceth the eyes of the beholders. For his Bonnet or Cap were taken up three hundred two else, and a quarter of white velvet, and the form thereof was wide and round, of the bigness of his Head; for his father said, that the Caps of the Mirabaise fashion, made like the Cover of a Pastry, would one time or other bring a mischief on those that wore them. For his Plume, he wore a fair great blue feather, plucked from an Onocrotal of the country of Hyrcania the wild, very prettily hanging down over his right ear: For the Jewel or broach which in his Cap he carried; he had in a Cake of gold, weighing threescore and eight marks, a fair piece enamell'd, wherein was portrayed a man's body with two heads, looking towards one another, four arms, four feet, two arses, such as Plato in Symposio says, was the mystical beginning of man's nature; and about it was written in jonick letters, 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉, or rather, 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉, that is, Virro & Mulier junctim propriissimè homo. To wear about his neck, he had a golden chain, weighing twenty five thousand and sixty three marks of gold, the links thereof being made after the manner of great berries, amongst which were set in work green jasper's engraven, and cut Dragonlike, all environed with beams and sparks, as King Nicepsos of old was wont to wear them, and it reached down to the very bust of the rising of his belly, whereby he reaped great benefit all his life long, as the Greek Physicians knew well enough. For his Gloves were put in work sixteen Otters skins, and three of lougarous or men-eating wolves, for the bordering of them: and of this stuff were they made, by the appointment of the Cabalists of Sanlono. As for the Rings which his father would have him to wear to renew the ancient mark of Nobility; He had on the forefinger of his left hand a Carbuncle as big as an Ostrige's Egg, inchased very daintily in gold of the fineness of a Turkey Seraph. Upon the middle finger of the same hand, he had a Ring made of four metals together, of the strongest fashion that ever was seen; so that the steel did not crash against the gold, nor the silver crush the copper. All this was made by Captain Chappins, and Alcofribas his good Agent. On the medical finger of his right hand, he had a Ring made Spire ways, wherein was set a perfect baleu ruby, a pointed Diamond, and a Physon Emerald of an inestimable value; for Hans-carvel the King of Melinda's Jeweller, esteemed them at the rate of threescore nine millions, eight hundred ninety four thousand and elghteen French Crowns of Berrie, and at so much did the foucres of Auspurg prise them.   

CHAP. IX.  
The Colours and Liveries of Gargantua.  
GArgantua's colours were white and blue, as I have showed you before, by which his father would give us to understand, that his son to him was a heavenly joy, for the white did signify gladness, pleasure, delight and rejoicing, and the blue, celestial things, I know well enough, that in reading this you laugh at the old drinker, and hold this exposition of colours to be very extravagant, and utterly disagreeable to reason, because white is said to signify faith, and blue constancy. But without moving, vexing, heating or putting you in a chafe, (for the weather is dangerous) answer me if it please you; for no other compulsory way of arguing will I use towards you, or any else; only now and then I will mention a word or two of my bottle. What is it that induceth you? what stirs you up to believe, or who told you that white signifieth faith; and blue, constancy? An old paltry book, say you, sold by the hawking Pedlars and Ballad-mongers, entitled The Blazon of Colours: Who made it? whoever it was, he was wise in that he did not set his to it; but besides, I know not what I should rather admire in him, his presumption or his sottishness: his presumption and overweening, for that he should without reason, without cause, or without any appearance of truth, have dared to prescribe by his private authority, what things should be denotated and signified by the colour: which is the custom of Tyrants, who will have their will to bear sway in stead of equity; and not of the wise and learned, who with the evidence of reason satisfy their Readers: His sottishness and want of spirit, in that he thought, that without any other demonstration or sufficient argument, the world would be pleased to make his blockish, and ridiculous impositions, the rule of their devices. In effect, (according to the Proverb, To a shitten tail fails never ordurre,) he hath found (it seems) some simple Ninny in those rude times of old, when the wearing of high round Bonnets was in fashion, who gave some trust to his writings, according to which they carved and ingraved their apophthegms and mottoes, trapped and caparisoned their Mules and Sumpter-horses, apparelled their Pages, quartered their breeches, bordered their gloves, fringed the courtains and vallens of their beds, painted their ensigns, composed songs, and which is worse, placed many deceitful juggle, and unworthy base tricks undiscoveredly, amongst the very chastest Matrons, and most reverend Sciences. In the like darkness and mist of ignorance, are wrapped up these vainglorious Courtiers, and name-transposers, who going about in their impresa's, to signify esperance, (that is, hope) have portrayed a sphere and birds pens for peines: Ancholie (which is the flower colombine) for melancholy: A waning Moon or Cressant, to show the increasing or rising of one's fortune; A bench rotten and broken, to signify bankrupt: non and a corslet for non dur habit, (otherwise non durabit, it shall not last) un lit sanc ciel, that is, a bed without a testern, for un lìcencìé, a graduated person, as Bachelor in Divinity, or utter Barrister at law; which are aequivocals so absurd and witless, so barbarous and clownish, that a fox's tail should be fastened to the neck-piece of, and a Vizard made of a Cowsheard, given to every one that henceforth should offer, after the restitution of learning, to make use of any such fopperies in France, by the same reasons (if reasons I should call them, and not rave rather, and idle triflings about words,) might I cause paint a panier, to signify that I am in peine: a Mustard-pot, that my heart tarries much for't: one pissing upwards for a Bishop: the bottom of a pair of breeches for a vessel full of farthings: a Codpiece for the office of the Clerks of the sentences, decrees or judgements, or rather (as the English bears it,) for the tail of a Codfish; and a dog's turd, for the dainty turret, wherein lies the love of my sweet heart. far otherwise did heretofore the Sages of Egypt, when they wrote by letters, which they called Hieroglyphics, which none understood who were not skilled in the virtue, property and nature of the things represented by them: of which Orus Apollon hath in Greek composed two books, and Polyphïlus in his dream of love set down more: In France you have a taste of them, in the device or impresa of my Lord Admiral, which was borne before that time by Octavian Augustus. But my little skiff alongst these unpleasant gulfs and shoals, will fail no further, therefore must I return to the Port from whence I came: yet do I hope one day to write more at large of these things, and to show both by Philosophical arguments and authorities, received and approved of by and from all antiquity, what, and how many colours there are in nature, and what may be signified by every one of them, if God save the mould of my Cap, which is my best Wine-pot, as my Grandam said.   

CHAP. X.  
Of that which is signified by the Colours, white and blue.  
THe white therefore signifieth joy, solace and gladness, and that not at random, but upon just and very good grounds: which you may perceive to be true, if laying aside all prejudicated affections, you will but give ear to what presently I shall expound unto you.  
Aristotle saith, that supposing two things contrary in their kind, as good and evil, virtue and vice, heat and cold, white and black, pleasure and pain, joy and grief: And so of others, if you couple them in such manner, that the contrary of one kind may agree in reason with the contrary of the other, it must follow by consequence, that the other contrary must answer to the remanent opposite to that wherewith it is conferred; as for example, virtue and vice are contrary in one kind, so are good and evil: if one of the contraries of the first kind, be consonant to one of those of the second, as virtue and goodnesse, for it is clear that virtue is good, so shall the other two contraries, (which are evil and vice) have the same connexion, for vice is evil.  
This Logical rule being understood, take these two contraries, joy and sadness: then these other two, white and black, for they are Physically contrary; if so be then that black do signify grief, by good reason than should white import joy. Nor is this signification instituted by humane imposition, but by the universal consent of the world received, which Philosophers call Ius Gentium, the Law of Nations, or an uncontrollable right of force in all countries whatsoever: for you know well enough, that all people, and all languages and nations, (except the ancient Syracusans, and certain Argives, who had cross and thwarting souls) when they mean outwardly to give evidence of their sorrow, go in black; and all mourning is done with black, which general consent is not without some argument, and reason in nature, the which every man may by himself very suddenly comprehend, without the instruction of any; and this we call the Law of nature: By virtue of the same natural instinct, we know that by white all the world hath understood joy, gladness, mirth, pleasure and delight. In former times, the Thracians and Crecians did mark their good, propitious, and fortunate days with white stones: and their sad, dismal and unfortunate ones with black; is not the night mournful, sad and melancholic? it is black and dark by the privation of light; doth not the light comfort all the world? and it is more white than any thing else, which to prove, I could direct you to the book of Laurentius Valla against Bartolus, but an Evangelical testimony I hope will content you, Matth. 7. it is said, that at the transfiguration of our Lord, Vestimenta ejus facta sunt alba sicut lux, his apparel was made white like the light, by which lightsome whiteness he gave his three Apostles to understand the Idea and figure of the eternal joys; for by the light are all men comforted, according to the word of the old woman, who although she had never a tooth in her head, was wont to say, Bona lux: and Tobit, chap. 5. after he had lost his sight, when Raphael saluted him, answered, What joy can I have, that do not see the light of Heaven? In that colour did the Angels testify the joy of the whole world, at the Resurrection of our Saviour, john 20. and at his Ascension, Acts 1. with the like colour of vesture did St. john the Evangelist, Apoc. 4. 7. see the faithful clothed in the heavenly and blissed jerusalem.  
Read the ancient both Greek and Latin histories, and you shall find that the town of Alba, (the first pattern of Rome,) was founded, and so named by reason of a white sow that was seen there: You shall likewise find in those stories, that when any man, after he had vanquished his enemies, was by decree of the Senate to enter into Rome triumphantly, he usually road in a chariot drawn by white horses: which in the Ovation triumph was also the custom; for by no sign or colour would they so significantly express the joy of their coming, as by the white: You shall there also find, how Pericles, the General of the Athenians, would needs have that part of his Army, unto whose lot befell the white beans, to spend the whole day in mirth, pleasure and ease, whilst the rest were a fight. A thousand other examples and places could I allege to this purpose, but that it is not here where I should do it.  
By understanding hereof, you may resolve one Problem, which Alexander Aphrodiseus hath accounted unanswerable, why the Lion, who with his only cry and roaring affrights all beasts, dreads and feareth only a white cock? for (as Proclus saith, libro de Sacrificio & Magia) it is because the presence of the virtue of the Sun, which is the Organ and promptuary of all terrestrial and syderial light, doth more symbolise and agree with a white cock, as well in regard of that colour, as of his property and specifical quality, then with a Lion. He saith furthermore, that Devils have been often seen in the shape of Lions, which at the sight of a white cock have presently vanished. This is the cause, why Galli or Gallices, (so are the Frenchmen called, because they are naturally white as milk, which the Greeks call Gala,) do willingly wear in their Caps white feathers, for by nature they are of a candid disposition, merry, kind, gracious and wellbeloved, and for their cognizance and arms have the whitest flower of any, the Flower de luce or Lily. If you demand, how by white, nature would have us understand joy and gladness? I answer, that the analogy and uniformity is thus, for as the white doth outwardly disperse and scatter the rays of the fight, whereby the optic spirits are manifestly dissolved, according to the opinion of Aristotle in his Problems and perspective Treatises; as you may likewise perceive by experience, when you pass-over mountains covered with snow, how you will complain that you cannot see well: as Xenophon writes to have happened to his men, and as Galen very largely declareth, lib. 10. de usu partium: Just so the heart with excessive joy is inwardly dilated, and suffereth a manifest resolution of the vital spirits, which may go so far on, that it may thereby be deprived of its nourishment, and by consequence of life itself. By this Pericharie or extremity of gladness, as Galen saith, lib. 12. method. lib. 5. de locis affectis & lib. 2. de symptomatum causis. And as it hath come to pass in former times, witness Marcus Tullius lib. 1. quaest. Tuscul. Verrius, Aristotle, Titus Livius in his relation of the battle of Cannae, Plinius lib. 7. cap. 32. & 34. A. Gellius lib. 3. c. 15. and many other Writers of Diagoras the Rhodian, Chilon Sophocles, Dionysius the tyrant of Sicily, Philippides, Philemon, Polycrates, Philipion, M. juventi; and others who died with joy, and as Avicen speaketh, in 2. canon. & lib. de virib. cordis, of the Saffron, that it doth so rejoice the heart, that if you take of it excessively, it will by a superfluous resolution and dilatation deprive it altogether of life. Here peruse Alex. aphrodiseus lib. 1. Probl. cap. 19 and that for a cause; But what? it seems I am entered further into this point than I intended at the first; Here therefore will I strike sail, referring the rest to that book of mine, which handleth this matter to the full. Mean while, in a word I will tell you, that blue doth certainly signify Heaven and heavenly things, by the same very tokens and symbols, that white signifieth joy and pleasure.   

CHAP. XI.  
Of the youthful age of Gargantua.  
GArgantua from three years upwards unto five, was brought up and instructed in all convenient discipline, by the commandment of his father; and spent that time like the other little children of the country, that is, in drinking, eating and sleeping: in eating, sleeping and drinking: and in sleeping, drinking and eating: still he wallowed and rolled up and down himself in the mire and dirt: he blurred and sullied his nose with filth: he blotted and smutched his face with any kind of scurvy stuff, he trod down his shoes in the heel: At the flies he did oftentimes yawn, and ran very heartily after the Butterflies, the Empire whereof belonged to his father. He pissed in his shoes, shit in his shirt, and wiped his nose on his sleeve: He did let his snot and snivel fall in his pottage, and dabbled, padled and slabbered every where: He would drink in his slipper, and ordinarily rub his belly against a Panier: He sharpened his teeth with a top, washed his hands with his broth, and combed his head with a bowl: He would sit down betwixt two stools, and his arse to the ground, would cover himself with a wet sack, and drink in eating of his soupe: He did eat his Cake sometimes without bread, would bite in laughing, and laugh in biting; Oftentimes did he spit in the basin, and fart for fatness; piss against the Sun, and hide himself in the water for fear of rain. He would strike out of the cold iron, be often in the dumps, and frig and wriggle it. He would flay the Fox, say the Ape's Paternoster, return to his sheep, and turn the Hogs to the Hay: He would beat the Dogs before the Lion, put the Plough before the Oxen, and claw where it did not itch: He would pump one to draw somewhat out of him, by gripping all would hold fast nothing, and always eat his white bread first. He shooed the Geese, kept a self-tickling to make himself laugh, and was very stedable in the Kitchen: made a mock at the gods, would cause sing Magnificat at Matines', and found it very connenient so to do: He would eat cabbage, and shit beets; knew flies in a dish of milk, and would make them lose their feet: He would scrape paper, blur parchment, then run away as hard as he could: He would pull at the Kid's leather, or vomit up his dinner, then reckon without his Host: He would beat the bushes without catching the birds, thought the Moon was made of green cheese, and that bladders are lanterns: out of one sack he would take two moutures or fees for grinding; would act the Ass' part to get some bran, and of his fist would make a Mallet: He took the crane's at the first leap, and would have the Mail-coats to be made link after link: He always looked a given horse in the mouth, leapt from the cock to the ass, and put one ripe between two green: By robbing Peter he paid Paul, he kept the Moon from the wolves, and hoped to catch Larks if ever the Heavens should fall: He did make of necessity virtue, of such bread such pottage, and cared as little for the peeled as for the shaved: Every morning he did cast up his gorge, and his father's little dogs eat out of the dish with him, and he with them: He would bite their ears and they would scratch his nose: he would blow in their arses, and they would lick his chaps. But harken good fellows, the spigot ill betake you, and whirl round your brains, if you do not give ear: This little Lecher was always groping his Nurses and Governesses, upside down, arswerzie, topsiturvie, harribourt quet, with a Yacco haick, hyck gio, handling them very rudely in jumbling and tumbling them to keep them going; for he had already begun to exercise the tools, and put his Codpiece in practice; which Codpiece or Braguette, his Governesses did every day deck up and adorn with fair nosegays, curious rubies, sweet flowers, and fine silken tufts, and very pleasantly would pass their time, in taking you know what between their fingers, and dandling it, till it did revive and creep up to the bulk and stiffness of a suppository, or street magdaleon, which is a hard rolled up salve, spread upon leather. Then did they burst out in laughing, when they saw it lift up its ears, as if the sport had liked them; one of them would call it her little dill, her staff of love, her quillety, her faucetin, her dandilollie: Another her peen, her jolly kyle, her bableret, her membretoon, her quickset Imp: Another again, her branch of coral, her female adamant, her placket-racket, her cyprian sceptre, her jewel for Ladies: and some of the other women would give it these names, my bunguetee, my stopple too, my busherusher, my gallant wimble, my pretty boarer, my coney-borow ferret, my little piercer, my augretine, my dangling hangers, down right to it, stiff and stout, in & to, my pusher, dresser, pouting stick, my honey pipe, my pretty pillicock, linkie pinky, futilletie, my lusty andoville, and crimson chitterlin: my little coville bredoville, my pretty rogue, and so forth: It belongs to me said one: it is mine said the other: What, quoth a third, shall I have no share in it? by my faith I will cut it then: Ha, to cut it (said the other,) would hurt him; Madam, do you cut little children's things? were his cut off, he would be then Monsieur sans queve, the curtailed Master. And that he might play and sport himself after the manner of the other little children of the country, they made him a fair weather whirljack, of the wings of the windmill of Myrebalais.   

CHAP. XII.  
Of Gargantua's wooden Horses.  
AFterwards, that he might be all his life-time a good Rider, they made to him a fair great horse of wood, which he did make leap, curvete, yerk out behind, and skip forward, all at a time: to pace, trot, rack, gallop, amble, to play the hobby, the hackney-guelding: go the gate of the camel & of the wild ass. He made him also change his colour of hair, as the Monks of Coultibo, (according to the variety of their holidays) use to do their clothes, from bay, brown, to sorrel, daplegray, mouse-dun, deer-colour, roan, cow-colour, gingioline, skued colour, pybaled, and the colour of the savage elk.  
Himself of an huge big post made a hunting nag: and another for daily service, of the beam of a Vine-presse: and of a great Oak, made up a mule, with a foot-cloth for his chamber. Besides this, he had ten or twelve spare horses, and seven horses for post; and all these were lodged in his own chamber, close by his bedside. One day the Lord of Breadinbag came to visit his father in great bravery, 
Painen sac Franc. repas moville vent.  and with a gallant train: and at the same time to see him came likewise the Duke of Free-meale, and the Earl of Wetgullet. The house truly for so many guests at once was somewhat narrow, but especially the stables; whereupon the steward and harbinger of the said Lord Breadinbag, to know if there were any other empty stables in the house, came to Gargantua, a little young lad, and secretly asked him where the stables of the great horses were, thinking that children would be ready to tell all? Then he led them up along the stairs of the Castle, passing by the second Hall unto a broad great Gallery, by which they entered into a large Tower, and as they were going up at another pair of stairs, said the harbinger to the steward, this child deceives us, for the stables are never on the top of the house: You may be mistaken (said the steward,) for I know some places at Lions, at the Basmette, at Chaunon, and elsewhere, which have their stables at the very tops of the houses, so it may be, that behind the house there is a way to come to this ascent, but I will question with him further. Then said he to Gargantua, My pretty little boy, whither do you lead us? To the stable (said he) of my great horses, we are almost come to it, we have but these stairs to go up at, then leading them alongst another great Hall, he brought them into his chamber, and opening the door said unto them, This is the stable that you ask for: this is my jennet, this is my gelding, this my courser, and this my hackney, and laid on them with a great Leaver: I will bestow upon you (said he) this Frizeland horse, I had him from Francfort, yet will I give him you; for he is a pretty little nag, and will go very well, with a tessel of goosehawk, half a dozen of spaniels, and a brace of greyhounds, thus are you King of the hares and partridges for all this winter. By St. john (said they) now we are paid, he hath gleeked us to some purpose, bobbed we are now for ever: I deny it (said he) he was not here above three days, judge you now, whether they had most cause, either to hide their heads for shame, or to laugh at the jest: as they were going down again thus amazed, he asked them, 
Aubeliere.  Will you have a whimwham? What is that, said they? It is (said he) five turds to make you a muzzel: To day (said the steward,) though we happen to be roasted, we shall not be burnt, for we are pretty well quipped and larded in my opinion. O my jolly daper boy, thou hast given us a gudgeon, I hope to see thee Pope before I die: I think so (said he) myself: and then shall you be a puppy, and this gentle popinjeay a perfect papelard, that is, dissembler: Well, well, (said the harbinger,) But (said Gargantua;) guess how many stitches there are in my mother's smock: Sixteen (quoth the harbinger,) You do not speak Gospel (said Gargantua) for there is sent before, and sent behind, and you did reckon them ill, considering the two under holes: When (said the harbinger?) Even then (said Gargantua,) when they made a shovel of your nose to take up a quarter of dirt, and of your throat a funnel, wherewith to put it into another vessel, because the bottom of the old one was out. Cocksbod (said the steward) we have met with a Prater. Farewell (Master tatler) God keep you, so goodly are the words which you come out with, and so fresh in your mouth, that it had need to be salted.  
Thus going down in great haste, under the arch of the stairs, they let fall the great Leaver, which he had put upon their backs, whereupon Gargantua said, what a deedle, you are (it seems) but bad horsemen, that suffer your bilder to fail you, when you need him most, if you were to go from hence to Chausas, whether had you rather ride on a gesling, or lead a sow in a Leash? I had rather drink (said the harbinger,) with this they entered into the lower Hall, where the company was, and relating to them this new story, they made them laugh like a swarm of flies.   

CHAP. XIII.  
How Gargantua's wonderful understanding, became known to his father Grangousier, by the invention of a Torchcul or Wipebreech.  
ABout the end of the fifth year, Grangousier returning from the Conquest of the Canarians, went by the way to see his son Gargantua, there was he filled with joy, as such a father might be at the sight of such a child of his: and whilst he kissed him and embraced him, he asked many childish questions of him about divers matters, and drank very freely with him and with his governesses, of whom in great earnest, he asked amongst other things, whether they had been careful to keep him clean and sweet? To this Gargantua answered, that he had taken such a course for that himself, that in all the country there was not to be found a cleanlier boy than he. How is that (said Grangousier?) I have (answered Gargantua) by a long and curious experience found out a means to wipe my bum, the most lordly, the most excellent, and the most convenient that ever was seen? What is that. (said Grangousier,) how is it? I will tell you by and by (said Gargantua,) once I did wipe me with a Gentlewoman's Velvet-mask, and found it to be good; for the softness of the silk was very voluptuous and pleasant to my fundament. Another time with one of their Hoods, and in like manner that was comfortable: At another time with a Lady's Neck-kerchief, and after that I wiped me with some ear-pieces of hers made of Crimson satin, but there was such a number of golden spangles in them (turdie round things, a pox take them) that they fetched away all the skin of my tail with a vengeance. Now I wish St. Anthony's fire burn the bumgut of the Goldsmith that made them, and of her that wore them: This hurt I cured by wiping myself with a Pages cap, garnished with a feather after the Suitsers' fashion.  
Afterwards, in dunging behind a bush, I found a March-Cat, and with it wiped my breech, but her claws were so sharp that they scratched and exulcerated all my perinee; Of this I recovered the next morning thereafter, by wiping myself with my mother's gloves, of a most excellent perfume and sent of the Arabian Benin. After that I wiped me with sage, with fennil, with anet with marjoram, with roses, with gourd-leaus, with beets, with colewort, with leaves of the vinetree, with mallows, wool-blade, (which is a tail-scarlet) with lattice and with spinach leaves. All this did very great good to my leg. Then with Mercury, with pursley, with nettles, with comfrey, but that gave me the bloody flux of Lombardy, which I healed by wiping me with my braguette; then I wiped my tail in the sheets, in the coverlet, in the curtains, with a cushion, with Arras hangings, with a green carpet, with a tablecloth, with a napkin, with a handkerchief, with a combing cloth, in all which I found more pleasure than do the mangy dogs when you rub them. Yea, but (said Grangousier) which torchecul didst thou find to be the best? I was coming to it (said Gargantua) and by and by shall you hear the tu autem, and know the whole mystery and knot of the matter: I wiped myself with hay, with straw, with thatch-rushes, with flax, with wool, with paper, but 
Who his foul tail with paper wipes,  
Shall at his ballocks leave some chips.   
What, (said Grangousier) my little rogue, hast thou been at the pot, that thou dost rhyme already? Yes, yes, my Lord the King (answered Gargantua,) I can rhyme gallantly, and time till I become hoarse with Rheum; Hark what our Privy says to the Skyters: 

Shittard  
Squirtard  
Crackard  
Turdous.  
Thy bung  
Hath flung  
Some dung on us:  
Filthard  
Cackard  
Stinkard:  
St. antony's fire seize on thy toane,  
If thy  
Dirty  
Dounby  
Thou do not wipe ere thou be gone.    
Will you have any more of it? Yes, yes, (answered Grangousier:) Then said Gargantua,  

A Roundlay.  
In shiting yesday I did know  
The sesse I to my arse did owe:  
The smell was such came from that slunk,  
That I was with it all bestunk:  
O had but then some brave Signior  
Brought her to me I waited for, in shitting:  
I would have cleft her watergap,  
And joined it close to my flipflap;  
Whilst she had with her fingers guarded  
My foul Nockandrow, all bemerded in shifting.   
Now say that I can do nothing, by the Merdi they are not of my making, but I heard them of this good old grandam, that you see here, and ever since have retained them in the budget of my memory.  
Let us return to our purpose (said Grangousier,) What (said Gargantua) to skite? No (said Grangousier) but to wipe our tail; But (said Gargantua) will not you be content to pay a punchion of Britton-wine, if I do not blank and gravel you in this matter, and put you to a nonplus? Yes truly (said Grangousier.)  
There is no need of wiping one's tail (said Gargantua) but when it is foul; foul it cannot be unless one have been a skiting; skite than we must before we wipe our tails. O my pretty little waggish boy (said Grangousier,) what an excellent wit thou hast? I will make thee very shortly proceed Doctor in the jovial quirks of gay learning, and that by G—, for thou hast more wit than age; now I prithee go on in this torcheculaife, orw ipe-bummatory discourse, and by my beard I swear, for one punche on thou shalt have threescore pipes, I mean of the good Breton wine, not that which grows in Britain, but in the good country of Verron. Afterwards I wiped my bum (said Gargantua,) with a kerchief, with a pillow, with a pantoufle, with a pouch, with a pannier, but that was a wicked and unpleasant torchecul; then with a hat, of hats note that some are shorn, and others shaggy, some velveted, others covered with taffitie's, and others with satin, the best of all these is the shaggy hat, for it makes a very neat abstersion of the fecal matter.  
Afterwards I wiped my tail with a hen, with a cock, with a pullet, with a calf's skin, with a hare, with a pigeon, with a cormorant, with an Attorneys bag, with a montero, with a coif, with a faulconer's lure; but to conclude, I say and maintain, that of all torcheculs, arsewisps, bumfodders, tail-napkins, bunghole-cleansers and wipe-breeches, there is none in the world comparable to the neck of a goose, that is well douned, if you hold her head betwixt your legs: and believe me therein upon mine honour, for you will thereby feel in your nockhole a most wonderful pleasure, both in regard of the softness of the said down, and of the temperate heat of the goose, which is easily communicated to the bumgut, and the rest of the inwards, insofarre as to come even to the regions of the heart and brains; and think not, that the felicity of the heroes and demigods in the Elysian fields, consisteth either in their Asphodele, Ambrosia, or Nectar, as our old women here use to say; but in this, (according to my judgement) that they wipe their tails with the neck of a goose, holding her head betwixt their legs, and such is the opinion of Master john of Scotland, alias Scotus.   

CHAP. XIV.  
How Gargantua was taught Latin by a Sophister.  
THe good man Grangousier, having heard this discourse, was ravished with admiration, considering the high reach, and marvellous understanding of his son Gargantua, and said to his governesses, Philip King of Macedon knew the great wit of his son Alexander, by his skilful managing of a horse; for his horse Bucephalus was so fierce and unruly, that none durst adventure to ride him, after that he had given to his Riders such devilish falls, breaking the neck of this man, the other man's leg, braining one, and putting another out of his jawbone. This by Alexander being considered, one day in the hippodrome, (which was a place appointed for the breaking and managing of great horses,) he perceived that the fury of the horse proceeded merely from the fear he had of his own shadow, whereupon getting on his back, he run him against the Sun, so that the shadow fell behind, and by that means tamed the horse, and brought him to his hand: whereby his father, knowing the divine judgement that was in him, caused him most carefully to be instructed by Aristotle, who at that time was highly renowned above all the Philosophers of Greece: after the same manner I tell you, that by this only discourse, which now I have here had before you with my son Gargantua; I know that his understanding doth participate of some divinity, and that if he be well taught, and have that education which is fitting, he will attain to a supreme degree of wisdom. Therefore will I commit him to some learned man, to have him indoctrinated according to his capacity, and will spare no cost Presently they appointed him a great Sophister-Doctor, called Master Tubal Holophernes, who taught him his A B C, so well, that he could say it by heart backwards; and about this he was five years and three months. Then read he to him, Donat, facet, theodolet, and Alanus in parabolis: About this he was thirteen years, six months, and two weeks; but you must remark, that in the mean time he did learn to write in Gottish characters, and that he wrote all his books, for the Art of printing was not then in use, and did ordinarily carry a great pen and inkhorn, weighing above seven thousand quintals, (that is, 700000 pound weight,) the penner whereof was as big and as long, as the great pillar of Enay, and the horn was hanged to it in great iron chains, it being of the wideness of a tun of merchand ware. After that he read unto him the book de modis significandi, with the Commentaries of Hurtbise, of Fasquin, of Tropifeu, of Gualhaut, of John Calf, of Billonio, of Berlinguandus, and a rabble of others, and herein he spent more than eighteen years and eleven months, and was so well versed in it, that to try masteries in School-disputes with his condisciples, he would recite it by heart backwards: and did sometimes prove on his finger's ends to his mother, quod de modis significandi non erat scientia. Then did he read to him the compost, for knowing the age of the Moon, the seasons of the year, and tides of the sea, on which he spent sixteen years and two months, and that justly at the time that his said Praeceptor died of the French Pox, which was in the year one thousand four hundred and twenty. Afterwards he got an old coughing fellow to teach him, named Master jobelin Bride, or muzzled dolt, who read unto him Hugotio, Flebard, Grecisme, the doctrinal, the parts, the quid est, the supplementum, Marmoretus de moribus in mensa servandis, Seneca de quatuor virtutibus cardinalibus, Passavantus cum commentar: and dormi securè for the holy days and some other of such like mealy stuff, by reading whereof he became as wise as any we ever since baked in an Oven.   

CHAP. XV.  
How Gargantua was put under other Schoolmasters.  
AT the last his father perceived, that indeed he studied hard, and that although he spent all his time in it, did nevertheless profit nothing, but which is worse, grew thereby foolish, simple, doted and blockish, whereof making a heavy regret to Don Philip of Marays, Viceroy or deputie-King of Papeligosse, he found that it were better for him to learn nothing at all, then to be taught such like books, under such Schoolmasters, because their knowledge was nothing but brutishness, and their wisdom but blunt foppish toys, serving only to bastardise good and noble spirits, and to corrupt all the flower of youth. That it is so, take (said he) any young boy of this time, who hath only studied two years, if he have not a better judgement, a better discourse, and that expressed in better terms then your son, with a completer carriage and civility to all manner of persons, account me for ever hereafter a very clounch, and baconslicer of Brene. This pleased Grangousier very well, and he commanded that it should be done. At night at supper, the said Des Marays brought in a young page of his, of Ville-gouges, called Eudemon, so neat, so trim, so handsome in his apparel, so spruce, with his hair in so good order, and so sweet and comely in his behaviour, that he had the resemblance of a little Angel more than of a humane creature. Then he said to Grangousier, Do you see this young boy? he is not as yet full twelve years old; let us try (if it please you) what difference there is betwixt the knowledge of the doting Mat●●logians of old time, and the young lads that are now. The trial pleased Grangousier, and he commanded the Page to begin. Then Eudemon, ask leave of the Vice-King his Master so to do, with his cap in his hand, a clear and open countenance, beautiful and ruddy lips, his eyes steady, and his looks fixed upon Ga●gantua, with a youthful modesty; standing up straight on his feet, began very gracefully to commend him; first for his virtue and good manners; secondly for his knowledge; thirdly for his nobility; fourthly for his bodily accomplishments: and in the fifth place most sweetly exhorted him to reverence his father with all due observance, who was so careful to have him well brought up; in the end he prayed him, that he would vouchsafe to admit of him amongst the least of his servants; for other favour at that time desired he none of heaven, but that he might do him some grateful and acceptable service: all this was by him delivered with such proper gestures, such distinct pronunciation, so pleasant a delivery, in such exquisite fine terms, and so good Latin, that he seemed rather a Gracchus, a Cicero, a Aemilius of the time past, than a youth of this age: but all the countenance that Gargantua kept was, that he fell to crying like a Cow, and cast down his face, hiding it with his cap, nor could they possibly draw one word from him, no more than a fa●t from a dead Ass; whereat his father was so grievously vexed, that he would have killed Master jobelin, but the said, Des marays withheld him from it by fair persuasions, so that at length he pacified his wrath. Then Grangousier commanded he should be paid his wages, that they should whittle him up sound, like a Sophister with good drink, and then give him leave to go to all the devils in hell: at least (said he) to day, shall it not cost his host much, if by chance he should die as drunk as a Suitser. Master jobelin being gone out of the house, Grangousier consulted with the Viceroy what Schoolmaster they should choose for him, and it was betwixt them resolved, that Ponocrates the Tutor of Eudemon should have the charge, and that they should go altogether to Paris, to know what was the study of the young men of France at that time.   

CHAP. XVI.  
How Gargantua was sent to Paris, and of the huge great Mare that he road on; How she destroyed the Oxe-flies of the Beauce.  
IN the same season Fayoles, the fourth King of Numidia, sent out of the country of afric to Grangousier, the most hideously great Mare that ever was seen, and of the strangest form, (for you know well enough how it is said, that afric always is productive of some new thing: she was as big as six elephants, and had her feet cloven into fingers, like julius Caesar's horse, with slouch-hanging ears, like the goats in Languedoc, and a little horn on her buttock, she was of a burnt sorel hue, with a little mixture of daple grey spots, but above all she had a horrible tail; for it was little more or less, than every whit as great as the Steeple-pillar of St. Mark beside Langes: and squared as that is, with tuffs and ennicroches, or haire-plaits wrought within one another, no otherwise then as the beards are upon the ears of corn.  
If you wonder at this, wonder rather at the tails of the Scythian Rams, which weighed above thirty pounds each, and of the Surian sheep, who need (if Tenaud say true,) a little cart at their heels to bear up their tail, it is so long and heavy. You female Lechers in the plain country's have no such tails. And she was brought by sea in three Carricks and a Brigantine unto the harbour of Olone in Thalmondois. When Grangousier saw her, Here is (said he) what is fit to carry my son to Paris. So now, in the name of God, all will be well, he will in times coming be a great Scholar, if it were not (my masters) for the beasts, we should live like Clerks: The next morning (after they had drunk, you must understand) they took their journey; Gargantua, his Pedagogue Ponocrates, and his train, and with them Eudemon the young Page, and because the weather was fair and temperate, his father caused to be made for him a pair of dun boots, Babin calls them buskins: Thus did they merrily pass their time in travelling on their high way, always making good cheer, and were very pleasant till they came a little above Orleans, in which place there was a forest of five and thirty leagues long, and seventeen in breadth, or thereabouts. This forest was most horribly fertile and copious in dorflies, hornets and wasps, so that it was a very Purgatory for the poor mares, asses and horses: But Gargantua's mare did avenge herself handsomely of all the outrages therein committed upon beasts of her kind, and that by a trick whereof they had no suspicion; for assoon as ever they were entered into the said forest, and that the wasps had given the assault, she drew out and unsheathed her tail, and therewith skirmishing, did so sweep them, that she overthrew all the wood alongst and athwart, here and there, this way and that way, longwise and sidewise, over and under, and felled every where the wood with as much ease, as a mower doth the grass, in such sort that never since hath there been there, neither wood, nor Dorflies: for all the country was thereby reduced to a plain champian-field: which Gargantua took great pleasure to behold, and said to his company no more but this, je trouve beauce, I find this pretty; whereupon that country hath been ever since that time called Beauce: but all the breakfast the mare got that day, was but a little yawning and gaping, in memory whereof the Gentlemen of Beauce, do as yet to this day break their fast with gaping, which they find to be very good, and do spit the better for it; at last they came to Paris, where Gargantua refrshed himself two or three days, making very merry with his folks, and enquiring what men of learning there were then in the city, and what wine they drunk there.   

CHAP. XVII.  
How Gargantua paid his welcome to the Parisians, and how he took away the great Bells of our Lady's Church.  
SOme few days after that they had refreshed themselves, he went to see the city, and was beheld of every body there with great admiration; for the People of Paris are so sottish, so badot, so foolish and fond by nature, that a juggler, a carrier of indulgences, a sumpter-horse, or mule with cymbals, or tinkling bells, a blind fiddler in the middle of a cross lane, shall draw a greater confluence of people together, than an Evangelical Preacher: and they pressed so hard upon him, that he was constrained to rest himself upon the towers of our Lady's Church; at which place, seeing so many about him, he said with a loud voice, I believe that these buzzards will have me to pay them here my welcome hither, and my Proficiat: it is but good reason, I will now give them their wine, but it shall be only in sport; then smiling, he untied his fair Braguette, and drawing out his mentul into the open air, he so bitterly all-to-bepist them, that he drowned two hundred and sixty thousand, four hundred and eighteen, besides the women and little children: some nevertheless of the company escaped this piss-flood by mere speed of foot, who when they were at the higher end of the University, sweeting, coughing, spitting, and out of breath, they began to swear and curse, some in good hot earnest, and others in jest, Carimari, Carimara: Golynoly, Golynolo: by my sweet Sanctesse, we are washed in sport, a sport truly to laugh at, in French Paris, for which that city hath been ever since called Paris, whose name formerly was Leucotia, (as Strabo testifieth, lib. quarto) from the Greek word 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉, whiteness, because of the white thighs of the Ladies of that place, and forasmuch as at this imposition of a new name; all the people that were there, swore every one by the Sancts of his parish, the Parisians, which are patched up of all nations, and all pieces of countries, are by nature both good Iurers, and good jurists, and somewhat overweening; whereupon joanninus de Barrauco libro de copiositate reverentiarum, thinks that they are called Parisians, from the Greek word 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉, which signifies boldness and liberty in speech. This done, he considered the great bells, which were in the said tours, and made them sound very harmoniously, which whilst he was doing, it came into his mind, that they would serve very well for tingling Tantans, and ringing Campanels, to hang about his mare's neck, when she should be sent back to his father, (as he intended to do) loaded with Brie cheese, and fresh herring; and indeed he forthwith carried them to his lodging. In the mean while there came a master begar of the Friars of S. Anthony, to demand in his cantting way the usual benevolence of some hoggish stuff, who, that he might be heard afar off, and to make the bacon, he was in quest of, shake in the very chimneys, made account to filch them away privily. Nevertheless, he left them behind very honestly, not for that they were too hot, but that they were somewhat too heavy for his carriage. This was not he of Bourg, for he was too good a friend of mine. All the city was risen up in sedition, they being (as you know) upon any slight occasion, so ready to uproars and insurrections, that foreign nations wonder at the patience of the Kings of France, who do not by good justice restrain them from such tumultuous courses, seeing the manifold inconveniences which thence arise from day to day. Would to God I knew the shop, wherein are forged these divisions, and factious combinations, that I might bring them to light in the confraternities of my parish. Believe for a truth, that the place wherein the people gathered together, were thus sulfured, hoparymated, moiled and bepissed, was called Nesle, where then was, (but now is no more) the Oracle of Leucotia: There was the case proposed, and the inconvenience showed of the transporting of the bells: after they had well ergotedpro and con, they concluded in Baralipton, that they should send the oldest and most sufficient of the faculty unto Gargantua, to signify unto him the great and horrible prejudice they sustain by the want of those bells; and notwithstanding the good reasons given in by some of the University, why this charge was fitter for an Orator than a Sophister, there was chosen for this purpose our Master janotus de Bragmardo.   

CHAP. XVIII.  
How Janotus de Bragmardo was sent to Gargantua, to recover the great bells.  
MAster janotus, with his hair cut round like a dish a La caesarine, in his most antic accoustrement Liripipionated with a graduates hood, and having sufficiently antidoted his stomach with Oven- Marmalades, that is, bread and holy water of the Cellar, transported himself to the lodging of Gargantua, driving before him three red muzzled beadles, and dragging after him five or six artless masters, all throughly bedagled with the mire of the streets. At their entry Ponocrates met them, who was afraid, seeing them so disguised, and thought they had been some maskers out of their wits, which moved him to inquire of one of the said artless masters of the company, what this mummery meant? it was answered him, that they desired to have their bells restored to them. Assoon as Ponocrates heard that, he ran in all haste to carry the news un-unto Gargantua, that the might be ready to answer them, and speedily resolve what was to be done. Gargantua being advertised hereof, called apart his Schoolmaster Ponocrates, Philotimus Steward of his house, Gymnastes his Esquire, and Eudemon, and very summarily conferred with them, both of what he should do, and what answer he should give. They were all of opinion that they should bring them unto the goblet-office, which is the Buttery, and there make them drink like Roisters, and line their jackets sound: and that this cougher might not be puffed up with vainglory, by thinking the bells were restored at his request, they sent (whilst he was chopining and plying the pot) for the Major of the City, the Rector of the faculty, and the Vicar of the Church, unto whom they resolved to deliver the bells, before the Sophister had propounded his commission; after that, in their hearing he should pronounce his gallant Oration, which was done, and they being come, the Sophister was brought into a full hall, and began as followeth, in coughing.   

CHAP. XIX.  
The Oration of Master Jonatus de Bragmardo, for recovery of the bells.  
Him, him, Day Sirs, Day & vobis my masters, it were but reason that you should restore to us our bells; for we have great need of them. Him, him, aihfuhash, we have oftentimes heretofore refused good money for them of those of London in Cahors, yea and of those of Bourdeaux in Brie, who would have bought them for the substantifick quality of the elementary complexion, which is intronificated in the terrestreity of their quidditative nature, to extraneize the blasting mists, and whirlwinds upon our Vines; indeed not ours, but these round about us: for if we lose the piot and liquor of the grape, we lose all both sense and law. If you restore them unto us at my request, I shall gain by it six basketfulls of sauciges, and a fine pair of breeches, which will do my legs a great deal of good, or else they will not keep their promise to me. Ho by gob domine, a pair of breeches is good, & vir sapiens non abhorrebit eam. Ha, ha, a pair of breeches is not so easily got, I have experience of it myself. Consider, Domine, I have been these eighteen days in metagrabolising this brave speech, Reddite quae sunt Caesaris, Caesari, & quae sunt Dei, Deo. Ibi jacet lepus, by my faith, Domine, if you will sup with me in cameris, by cox body, charitatis nos faciemus bonum cherubin; ego occidit unum porcum, & ego habet bonum vino: but of good wine we cannot make bad Latin. Well, de parte Dei datè nobis bellas nostras; Hold, I give you in the name of the faculty a Sermons de utino, that utinam you would give us our bells. Vultis etiam pardonos? per diem vos habebitis, & nihil payabitis. O Sir Domine, Bellagivaminor nobis; verily, est bonum vobis. They are useful to every body, if they fit your mare well, so do they do our faculty; quae comparata est jumentis insipientibus, & similis facta est eyes, Psalmo nescio quo; yet did I quote it in my notebook & est unum bonum Achilles, a good defending argument, him, him, him, haikhash; for I prove unto you that you should give me them. Ego sic argumentor, Omnis bella bellabilis in Bellerio bellando, bellans bellative, bellare facit, bellabiliter bellantes: parisius habet bellas; ergo gluc. Ha, ha, ha, this is spoken to some purpose; it is in tertio primae, in Darii, or elsewhere. By my soul, I have seen the time that I could play the devil in arguing, but now I am much failed, and henceforward want nothing but a cup of good wine, a good bed, my back to the fire, my belly to the table, and a good deep dish. Hei domine, I beseech you, in nomine Patris, Filii, & Spiritûs sancti, Amen, to restore unto us our bells: and God keep you from evil, and our Lady from health; qui vivit & regnat per omnia secula seculorum. Amen. Him, hashchehhawksash, qzrchremhemhash, verùm enim vero, quandoquidem, dubio procul, aedepol, quoniam, ità certè, medius fidius; A Town without bells is like a blind man without a staff, an Ass without a crupper, and a Cow without Cymbals; therefore be assured, until you have restored them unto us, we will never leave crying after you, like a blind man that hath lost his staff, braying like an Ass without a crupper, and making a noise like a Cow without Cymbals: A certain Latinisator dwelling near the Hospital, said since, producing the authority of one Taponnus, I lie, it was Pontanus the secular Poet, who wished those bells had been made of feathers, and the clapper of a fox-tail, to the end they might have begot a chronicle in the bowels of his brain, when he was about the composing of his carmini-formal lines: but Nac petetin petetac tic torch Lorgne, or Rot kipipur kipipot put pantse malf. He was declared an Heretic; We make them as of wax. And no more said the deponent. Valete & plaudite. Calepinus recensui.   

CHAP. XX.  
How the Sophister carried away his cloth, and how he had a suit in law against the other Masters.  
THe Sophister had no sooner ended, but Ponocrates and Eudemon burst out in a laughing so heartily, that they had almost split with it, and given up the ghost, in rendering their souls to God: even just as Crassus did, seeing a lubberly Ass eat thistles; and as Philemon, who for seeing an Ass eat those figs which were provided for his own dinner, died with force of laughing: together with them Master jonatus fell a laughing too as fast as he could, in which mood of laughing they continued so long, that their eyes did water by the vehement concussion of the substance of the brain, by which these lachrymal humidities, being pressed out, glided through the optic nerves, and so to the full represented Democritus Heraclitising, and Heraclitus Democritising. When they had done laughing, Gargantua consulted with the prime of his retinue, what should be done. There Ponocrates was of opinion, that they should make this fair Orator drink again, and seeing he had showed them more pastime, and made them laugh more than a natural soul could have done, that they should give him ten baskets full of sauciges, mentioned in his pleasant speech, with a pair of hose, three hundred great billets of log-wood, five and twenty hogsheads of wine, a good large downe-bed, and a deep capacious dish, which he said were necessary for his old age; All this was done as they did appoint: only Gargantua doubting that they could not quickly find out breeches fit for his wearing, because he knew not what fashion would best become the said Orator, whether the martingal fashion of breeches, wherein is a spunghole with a drawbridge, for the more easy caguing: or the fashion of the Mariners, for the greater solace and comfort of his kidneys: or that of the Switsers, which keeps warm the bedondaine or belly-tabret: or round breeches with street cannions, having in the seat a piece like a Cod's tail; all which considered, for fear of over-heating his reins, he caused to be given him seven else of white cloth for the linings. The wood was carried by the Porters, the Masters of Arts carried the sauciges and the dishes, and Master janotus himself would carry the cloth. One of the said Masters, (called jesse Bandoville,) showed him that it was not seemly nor decent for one of his condition to do so, and that therefore he should deliver it to one of them: Ha, said janotus, Ba●det, Baudet, or Blockhead, Blockhead, thou dost not conclude in modo & figura; for lo, to this end serve the suppositions, & parva Logicalia: pannus, pro quo supponit? Confusè (said Bandoville) & distributiuè. I do not ask thee (said janotus,) Blockhead, quomodo supponit, but pro quo? It is Blackhead pro tibiis meis, and therefore I will carry it, Egomet, sicut suppositum, portat appositum; so did he carry it away very close and covertly, as Patelin the Buffoon did his cloth. The best was, that when this cougher in a full act or assembly held at the Mathurins, had with great confidence required his breeches and sauciges, and that they were flatly denied him, because he had them of Gargantua, according to the informations thereupon made, he showed them that this was gratìs, and out of his liberality, by which they were not in any sort quit of their promises. Notwithstanding this, it was answered him, that he should be content with reason, without expectation of any other bribe there. Reason? (said janotus,) we use none of it here, unlucky traitors, you are not worth the hanging: the earth beareth not more arrant Villains than you are, I know it well enough; Halt not before the lame; I have practised wickedness with you: by God's rattle I will inform the King of the enormous abuses that are forged here, and carried underhand by you, and let me be a Leper, if he do not burn you alive like Sodomites, Traitors, Heretics and Seducers, enemies to God and virtue. Upon these words they framed articles against him: he on the other side warned them to appear: In sum, the Process was retained by the Court, and is there as yet. Hereupon the Magisters made a vow, never to decrott themselves in rubbing off the dirt of either their shoes or clothes: Master janotus with his Adherents, vowed never to blow or snuff their noses, until judgement were given by a definitive sentence; by these vows do they continue unto this time both dirty and snotty; for the Court hath not garbeled, sifted, and fully looked into all the pieces as yet. The judgement or decree shall be given out & pronounced at the next Greek Calends, that is, never: as you know that they do more than nature, and contrary to their own articles: the articles of Paris maintain, that to God alone belongs infinity, and nature produceth nothing that is immortal; for she putteth an end and period to all things by her engendered, according to the saying, Omnia orta cadunt, etc. But these thick mist-swallowers make the suits in law depending before them, both infinite and immortal; in doing whereof, they have given occasion to, and verified the saying of Chilo the Lacedaemonian, consecrated to the Oracle at Delphos, that misery is the inseparable companion of law-debates: and that pleaders are miserable; for sooner shall they attain to the end of their lives, then to the final decision of their pretended rights.   

CHAP. XXI.  
The Study of Gargantua, according to the discipline of his Schoolmasters the Sophisters.  
THe first day being thus spent, and the bells put up again in their own place, the Citizens of Paris, in acknowledgement of this courtesy, offered to maintain and feed his Mare as long as he pleased, which Gargantua took in good part, and they sent her to graze in the forest of Bier. I think she is not there now. This done, he with all his heart submitted his study to the discretion of Ponocrates: who for the beginning appointed that he should do as he was accustomed, to the end he might understand by what means, in so long time, his old Masters had made him so sottish and ignorant. He disposed therefore of his time in such fashion, that ordinarily he did awake betwixt eight and nine a clock, whether it was day or not, (for so had his ancient governor's ordained,) alleging that which David saith, Vanum est vobis ante lucem surgere. Then did he tumble and toss, wag his legs, and wallow in the bed sometime, the better to stir up, and rouse his vital spirits, and apparelled himself according to the season: but willingly he would wear a great long gown of thick freeze, furred with fox-skins, Afterwards he combed his head with an Alman comb, which is the four fingers and the thumb: for his Praeceptor said, that to comb himself otherways, to wash and make himself neat, was to lose time in this world. Then he dunged, pist, spewed, belched, cracked, yawned, spitted, coughed, yexed, sneezed and snotted himself like an archdeacon: and to suppress the dew▪ and bad air, went to breakfast, having some good fried tripes, fair rashers on the coals, excellent gamons of bacon, store of fine minced meat, and a great deal of sippet brewis, made up of the fat of the beef-pot, laid upon bread, cheese and chop't pursley strewed together. Ponocrates' showed him, that he ought not to eat so soon after rising out of his bed, unless he had performed some exercise beforehand: Gargantua answered, What have not I sufficiently well exercised myself? I have wallowed▪ and rolled myself six or seven turns in my bed, before I rose: is not that enough? Pope Alexander did so, by the advice of a Jew his Physician, and lived till his dying day in despite of his enemies. My first Masters have used me to it, saying that to breakfast made a good memory, and therefore they drank first. I am very well after it, and dine but the better: and Master Tubal, (who was the first Licenciat at Paris,) told me that it was not enough to run apace, but to set forth betimes; so doth not the total welfare of our humanity depend upon perpetual drinking in a rible rabble, like ducks, but on drinking early in the morning: unde versus, 
To rise betimes is no good hour.  
To drink betimes is better sure.   
After that he had throughly broke his fast, he went to Church, and they carried to him in a great basket, a huge impantoufled or thick-covered breviary, weighing what in grease, clasps, parchment and cover, little more or less than eleven hundred and six pounds. There he heard six and twenty or thirty Masses: This while, to the same place came his orison-mutterer impaletocked, or lap't up about the chin, like a tufted whoop, and his breath pretty well antidoted with store of the Vine-tree-sirrup: with him he mumbled all his Kiriele, and dunsical breborions, which he so curiously thumbed and fingered, that there fell not so much as one grain to the ground; as he went from the Church, they brought him upon a Dray drawn with oxen, a confused heap of Patinotres and Aves of Sante Claude, every one of them being of the bigness of a hatblock; and thus walking through the cloisters, galleries or garden, he said more in turning them over, than sixteen Hermit's would have done. Then did he study some paltry half-houre with his eyes fixed upon his book; but (as the Comic saith,) his mind was in the Kitchin. Pissing then a full Urinal, he sat down at table: and because he was naturally phlegmatic, he began his meal with some dozen of gammons, dried neat's tongues, hard rows of mullet, called Botargos, Andovilles or sauciges, and such other forerunners of wine; in the mean while, four of his folks did cast into his mouth one after another continually mustard by whole shovels full. Immediately after that, he drank a horrible draught of white-wine for the ease of his kidneys. When that was done, he ate according to the season meat agreeable to his appetite, and then left off eating when his belly began to strut, and was like to crack for fullness; as for his drinking, he had in that neither end nor rule; for he was wont to say, that the limits and bounds of drinking were, when the cork of the shoes of him that drinketh, swelleth up half a foot high.   

CHAP. XXII.  
The Games of Gargantua.  
THen blockishly mumbling with a set on countenance a piece of scurvy grace, he washed his hands in fresh wine, picked his teeth with the foot of a hog, and talked jovially with his Attendants: then the Carpet being spread, they brought plenty of cards, many dice, with great store and abundance of checkers and chesse-boards.  

There he played.  
At Flusse.  
At Primero.  
At the beast.  
At the rifle.  
At trump.  
At the prick and spare not.  
At the hundred.  
At the peenie.  
At the unfortunate woman.  
At the fib.  
At the pass ten.  
At one and thirty.  
At post and pair, or even and sequence.  
At three hundred.  
At the unlucky man.  
At the last couple in hell.  
At the hock.  
At the surly.  
At the lanskenet.  
At the cukoe.  
At puff, or let him speak that hath it.  
At take nothing and throw out.  
At the marriage.  
At the frolic or jack-daw.  
At the opinion.  
At who doth the one, doth the other.  
At the sequences.  
At the ivory bundles.  
At the tarots.  
At losing load him.  
At he's gulled and esto.  
At the torture.  
At the handruf.  
At the click.  
At the honours.  
At love.  
At the chess.  
At Reynold the fox.  
At the squares.  
At the cows.  
At the lottery.  
At the chance or mumchance.  
At three dice or maniest bleaks.  
At the tables.  
At nivinivinack.  
At the lurch.  
At doublets or queens-game.  
At the failie.  
At the french tictac.  
At the long tables or ferkeering.  
At feldown.  
At Tods body.  
At needs must.  
At the dames ordraughts  
At bob and mow.  
At primus secundus.  
At mark-knife.  
At the keys.  
At span-counter.  
At even or odd.  
At cross or pile.  
At bal and huckle-bones.  
At ivory balls.  
At the billiards.  
At bob and hit.  
At the owl.  
At the charming of the hare.  
At pull yet a little.  
At trudgepig.  
At the magatapies.  
At the horn.  
At the flowerd orshrovetide ox.  
At the madge-owlet.  
At pinch without laughing.  
At prickle me tickle me.  
At the unshoing of the Ass.  
At the cocksesse.  
At hari hohi.  
At I set me down.  
At earl beardie.  
At the old mode.  
At draw the spit.  
At put out.  
At gossip lend me your sack.  
At the ramcod ball.  
At thrust out the harlot.  
At marfeil figs.  
At nicknamrie.  
At stick and hole.  
At book or him, or flaying the fox.  
At the branching it.  
At trill madam or grapple my Lady.  
At the cat selling.  
At blow the coal.  
At the rewedding.  
At the quick and dead judge.  
At unoven the iron.  
At the false clown.  
At the flints, or at the nine stones.  
At to the crutch hulch back.  
At the Sanct is found.  
At hench, pinch and laugh not.  
At the leek.  
At Bumdockdousse.  
At the loss gig.  
At the hoop.  
At the sow.  
At belly to belly.  
At the dales or straths.  
At the twigs.  
At the quoits.  
At I'm for that.  
At tilt at weekie.  
At nine pins.  
at the cock quintin.  
at tip and hurl.  
at the flat bowls.  
at the veer and turn.  
at rogue and ruffian.  
at bumbatch touch.  
at the mysterious trough.  
at the short bowls.  
at the daple grey.  
at cock and crank it.  
at break-pot.  
at my desire.  
at twirlie whirlietrill.  
at the rush bundles.  
at the short staff.  
at the whirling gig.  
at hide and seek, or are you all hid.  
at the picket.  
at the blank.  
at the pilfrers.  
at the caveson.  
at prison bars.  
at have at the nuts.  
at cherrie-pit.  
at rub and rice.  
at whip-top.  
at the casting top.  
at the hobgoblins.  
at the O wonderful.  
at the soilie smutchie.  
at fast and loose.  
at scutchbreech.  
at the broom-beesome.  
at St. Cosme I come to adore thee.  
at the lusty brown boy.  
at I take you napping.  
at fair and softly passeth lent.  
at the forked oak.  
at truss.  
at the wolves tail.  
at bum to buss, or nose in breech.  
at Geordie give me my lance.  
at swaggie, waggie or shoggieshou.  
at stook and rook, sheare, and threave.  
at the birch.  
at the musse.  
at the dillie dilli darling.  
at ox moudie.  
at purpose in purpose.  
at nine less.  
at blinde-man-buffe.  
at the fallen bridges.  
at bridled nick.  
at the white at butts.  
at thwack swinge him.  
at apple, pear, plum.  
at mumgi.  
at the toad.  
at cricket.  
at the pounding stick.  
at jack and the box.  
at the queens.  
at the trades.  
at heads and points.  
at the vinetree hug.  
at black be thy fall.  
at ho the distaff.  
at Joan Thomson.  
at the bolting cloth.  
at the oats seed.  
at greedy glutton.  
at the morish dance.  
at feebie.  
at the whole frisk and gambole.  
at battabum, or riding of the wild mare.  
at Hind the Ploughman.  
at the good malkin.  
at the dead beast.  
at climb the ladder Billie.  
at the dying hog.  
at the salt doup.  
at the pretty pigeon.  
at barley break.  
at the bavine.  
at the bush leap.  
at crossing.  
at bopeep.  
at the hardit arsepursie.  
at the harrowers nest.  
at forward hay.  
at the fig.  
at gunshot crack.  
at mustard peel.  
at the gome.  
at the relapse.  
at jog breech, or prick him forward.  
at knockpate.  
at the Cornish cough.  
at the crane-dance.  
at slash and cut.  
at bobbing, or the flirt on the nose.  
at the larks.  
at filipping.   
After he had thus well played, reveled, past and spent his time, it was thought fit to drink a little, and that was eleven glassefuls the man, and immediately after making good cheer again, he would stretch himself upon a fair bench, or a good large bed, and there sleep two or three hours together, without thinking or speaking any hurt. After he was awakened he would shake his ears a little. In the mean time they brought him fresh wine, there he drank better than ever. Ponocrates' showed him, that it was an ill diet to drink so after sleeping. It is (answered Gargantua,) the very life of the Patriarches and holy Fathers; for naturally I sleep salt, and my sleep hath been to me in stead of so many gamons of bacon. Then began he to study a little, and out came the patenotres or rosary of beads: which the better and more formally to dispatch, he got up on an old mule, which had served nine Kings, and so mumbling with his mouth, nodding and dodling his head, would go see a coney ferretted or caught in a grin; At his return he went into the Kitchen, to know what roast meat was on the spit, and what otherways was to be dressed for supper: and supped very well upon my conscience: and commonly did invite some of his neighbours that were good drinkers, with whom carousing and drinking merrily, they told stories of all sorts from the old to the new. Amongst others, he had for domestics the Lords of Fou, of Gourville, of Griniot, and of Marigny. After supper were brought in upon the place the fair wooden Gospels, and the books of the four Kings, that is to say, many pairs of tables and cards: or the fair flusse, one, two, three: or at all to make short work: or else they went to see the wenches thereabouts with little small banquets, intermixed with collations and reer-Suppers. Then did he sleep without unbrideling, until eigh● a clock in the next morning.   

CHAP. XXIII.  
How Gargantua was instructed by Ponocrates, and in such sort disciplinated, that he lost not one hour of the day.  
WHen Ponocrates knew Gargantua's vicious manner of living, he resolved to bring him up in another kind; but for a while he bore with him, considering that nature cannot endure a sudden change, without great violence. Therefore to begin his work the better, he requested a learned Physician of that time, called Master Theodorus, seriously to perpend (if it were possible,) how to bring Gargantua unto a better course; the said Physician purged him canonically with Anticyrian ellebore, by which medicine he cleansed all the alteration, and perverse habitude of his brain. By this means also Ponocrates made him forget all that he had learned under his ancient Preceptors, as Timothy did to his disciples, who had been instructed under other Musicians. To do this the better, they brought him into the company of learned men, which were there, in whose imitation he had a great desire and affection to study otherways, and to improve his parts. Afterwards he put himself into such a road and way of studying, that he lost not any one hour in the day, but employed all his time in learning, and honest knowledge. Gargantua awaked them about four a clock in the morning; whilst they were in rubbing of him, there was read unto him some chapter of the holy Scripture aloud and clearly, with a pronunciation fit for the matter, and hereunto was appointed a young page borne in Basche, named Anagnostes, according to the purpose and argument of that lesson, he oftentimes gave himself to worship, adore, pray, and send up his supplications to that good God, whose Word did show his majesty and marvellous judgement. Then went he unto the secret places to make excretion of his natural digestions: there his Master repeated what had been read, expounding unto him the most obscure and difficult points; in returning, they considered the face of the sky, if it was such as they had observed it the night before, and into what signs the Sun was entering, as also the Moon for that day. This done, he was apparelled, combed, curled, trimmed and perfumed, during which time they repeated to him the lessons of the day before: he himself said them by heart, and upon them would ground some practical cases concerning the estate of man, which he would prosecute sometimes two or three hours, but ordinarily they ceased assoon as he was fully clothed. Then for three good hours he had a lecture read unto him. This done, they went forth, still conferring of the substance of the lecture, either unto a field near the University called the Brack, or unto the meadows where they played at the ball, the long-tennis, and at the Pïletrigone, (which is a play wherein we throw a triangular piece of iron at a ring, to pass it,) most gallantly exercising their bodies, as formerly they had done their minds. All their play was but in liberty, for they left off when they pleased, and that was commonly when they did sweat over all their body, or were otherways weary. Then were they very well wiped and rubbed, shifted their shirts, and walking soberly, went to see if dinner were ready. Whilst they stayed for that, they did clearly and eloquently pronounce some sentences that they had retained of the lecture, in the mean time Master Appetite came, and then very orderly sat they down at table; at the beginning of the meal, there was read some pleasant history of the warlike actions of former times, until he had taken a glass of wine. Then (if they thought good) they continued reading, or began to discourse merrily together; speaking first of the virtue, propriety, efficacy and nature of all that was served in at the table: of bread, of wine, of water, of salt, of flesh's, fishes, fruits, herbs, roots, and of their dressing; by means whereof, he learned in a little time all the passages competent for this that were to be found in Pliny, Athenaeus, Dioscorides, julius Pollux, Galen, Porphirie, Oppian, Polybius, Heliodore, Aristotle, Elian, and others. Whilst they talked of these things, many times to be the more certain, they caused the very books to be brought to the table, and so well and perfectly did he in his memory retain the things abovesaid, that in that time there was not a Physician that knew half so much as he did. Afterwards they conferred of the lessons read in the morning, and ending their repast with some conserve or marmelade of quinces: he picked his teeth with mastic tooth-pickers; washed his hands and eyes with fair fresh water, and gave thanks unto God in some fine Canticks, made in praise of the divine bounty and munificence. This done, they brought in cards, not to play, but to learn a thousand pretty tricks, and new inventions, which were all grounded upon Arithmetic: by this means he fell in love with that numerical science, and every day after dinner and supper he passed his time in it as pleasantly, as he was wont to do at cards and dice: so that at last he understood so well both the Theory and Practical part thereof; that Tunstal the Englishman, who had written very largely of that purpose, confessed that verily in comparison of him he had no skill at all. And not only in that, but in the other Mathematical Sciences, as Geometry, Astronomy, Music, etc. for in waiting on the concoction, and attending the digestion of his food, they made a thousand pretty instruments and Geometrical figures, & did in some measure practise the Astronomical canons.  
After this, they recreated themselves with singing musically, in four or five parts, or upon a set theme or ground at random, as it best pleased them; in matter of musical instruments, he learned to play upon the Lute, the Virginals, the Harp, the Allman Flute with nine holes, the Viol, and the Sackbut. This hour thus spent, and digestion finished, he did purge his body of natural excrements, than betook himself to his principal study for three hours together, or more, as well to repeat his matutinal lectures, as to proceed in the book wherein he was, as also to write handsomely, to draw and form the Antic and Roman letters. This being done, they went out of their house, and with them a young Gentleman of Touraine, named the Esquire Gymnast, who taught him the Art of riding; changing then his clothes, he road a Naples courser, a Dutch roussin, a Spanish jennet, a barded or trapped steed, than a light fleet horse, unto whom he gave a hundred carieres, made him go the high saults, bounding in the air, free the ditch with a skip, leap over a stile or pale, turn short in a ring both to the right and left hand. There he broke not his lance; for it is the greatest foolery in the world, to say, I have broken ten lances at tilt, or in fight, a Carpenter can do even as much: but it is a glorious and praiseworthy action, with one lance to break and overthrow ten enemies: therefore with a sharp, stiff, strong and well-steeled lance, would he usually force up a door, pierce a harness, beat down a tree, carry away the ring, lift up a cuirasier saddle, with the male-coat and gauntlet; all this he did in complete arms from head to foot. As for the prancing flourishes, and smacking popismes, for the better cherishing of the horse, commonly used in riding, none did them better than he. The cavallerize of Ferrara was but as an Ape compared to him. He was singularly skilful in leapiug nimbly from one horse to another, without putting foot to ground, and these horses were called desultories: he could likewise from either side, with a lance in his hand, leap on horseback without stirrups, and rule the horse at his pleasure without a bridle, for such things are useful in military engagements. Another day he exercised the battle-axe, which he so dextrously wielded, both in the nimble, strong and smooth management of that weapon, and that in all the feats practiseable by it, that he past Knight of Arms in the field, and at all Essays. Then tossed he the pike, played with the two-handed sword, with the backsword, with the spanish tuck, the dagger, poiniard, armed, unarmed, with a buckler, with a cloak, with a target. Then would he hunt the Hart, the Roebuck, the Bear, the fallow Deer, the wild Boar, the Hare, the Pheasant, the Partridge and the Bustard. He played at the baloon, and made it bound in the air, both with fist and foot. He wrestled, ran, jumped, not at three steps and a leap (called the hops,) nor at clochepied, (called the Hares leap,) nor yet at the Almains; for (said Gymnast,) these jumps are for the wars altogether unprofitable, and of no use: but at one leap he would skip over a ditch, spring over a hedge, mount six paces upon a wall, ramp and grapple after this fashion up against a window, of the full height of a lance. He did swim in deep waters on his belly, on his back, sidewise, with all his body, with his feet only, with one hand in the air, wherein he held a book, crossing thus the breadth of the river of Seine, without wetting it, and dragged along his cloak with his teeth, as did julius Caesar; then with the help of one hand, he entered forcibly into a boat, from whence he cast himself again headlong into the water, sounded the depths, hollowed the rocks, and plunged into the pits and gulfs. Then turned he the boat about, governed it, led it swiftly or slowly with the stream and against the stream, stopped it in its course, guided it with one hand, and with the other laid hard about him with a huge great Oar, hoist the sail, hied up along the mast by the shrouds, ran upon the edge of the decks, set the compass in order, tackled the boulins, and steered the helm. Coming out of the water, he ran furiously up against a hill, and with the same alacrity and swiftness ran down again; he climbed up at trees like a cat; and leapt from the one to the other like a squirrel; he did pull down the great boughs and branches, like another Milo; then with two sharp well-steeled daggers, and two tried bodkins, would he run up by the wall to the very top of a house like a cat; then suddenly came down from the top to the bottom, with such an even composition of members, that by the fall he would catch no harm.  
He did cast the dart, throw the bar, put the stone, practise the javelin, the boar-spear or partisan, and the halberd; he broke the strongest bows in drawing, bended against his breast the greatest crossbows of steel, took his aim by the eye with the hand-gun, and shot well, traversed and planted the Canon, shot a but-marks, at the papgay from below upwards, or to a height; from above downwards, or to adescent, then before him, sidewise, and behind him, like the Parthians. They tied a cable-rope to the top of a high Tower, by one end whereof hanging near the ground, he wrought himself with his hands to the very top: Then upon the same tract came down so sturdily and firm that you could not on a plain meadow have run with more assurance. They set up a great pole fixed upon two trees, there would he hang by his hands, and with them alone, his feet touching at nothing, would go back and sore along the foresaid rope with so great swiftness, that hardly could one overtake him with running; and then to exercise his breast and lungs, he would shout like all the Devils in hell; I heard him once call Eudemon from St. Victor's gate to Monmartre: Stentor had never such a voice at the siege of Troy. Then for the strengthening of his nerves or sinews, they made him two great sows of lead, each of them weighing eight thousand and seven hundred kintals, which they called Alteres; those he took up from the ground in each hand one, than lifted them up over his head, and held them so without stirring three quarters of an hour and more, which was an inimitable force; he fought at Barriers with the stoutest and most vigorous Champions: and when it came to the cope he stood so sturdily on his feet, that he abandoned himself unto the strongest, in case they could remove him from his place, as Milo was wont to do of old; in whose imitation likewise he held a Pomegranate in his hand, to give it unto him that could take it from him: The time being thus bestowed, and himself rubbed, cleansed, wiped, and refreshed with other clothes, he returned fair and softly; and passing through certain meadows, or other grassy places, beheld the trees and plants, comparing them with what is written of them in the books of the Ancients, such as theophra, Dioscorides, Marinus, Pliny, Nicander, Macer, and Galen, and carried home to the house great handfuls of them, whereof a young Page called Rizotomos had charge; together with little Mattocks, Pick-axes, Grubbing-hooks, Cabbies, Pruning-knives, and other instruments requisite for herborising. Being come to their lodging, whilst supper was making ready, they repeated certain passages of that which hath been read, and sat down at table. Here remark, that his dinner was sober and thrifty, for he did then eat only to prevent the gnawings of his stomach, but his supper was copious and large; for he took then as much as was fit to maintain and nourish him which indeed is the true diet prescribed by the Art of good and sound Physic. Although a rabble of loggerheaded Physicians, nuzzeled in the brabbling shop of Sophisters, counsel the contrary; during that repast was continued the lesson read at dinner as long as they thought good: the rest was spent in good discourse, learned and profitable. After that they had given thanks, he set himself to sing vocally, and play upon harmonious instruments, or otherways passed his time at some pretty sports, made with cards or dice; or in practising the feats of Legerdemain, with cups and balls. There they stayed some nights in frolicking thus, and making themselves merry till it was time to go to bed; and on other nights they would go make visits unto learned men, or to such as had been travellers in strange and remote countries. When it was full night before they retired themselves, they went unto the most open place of the house to see the face of the sky, and there beheld the comets, if any were, as likewise the figures, situations, aspects, oppositions and conjunctions of the both fixed stars and planets.  
Then with his Master did he briefly recapitulate after the manner of the Pythagoreans, that which he had read, seen, learned, done and understood in the whole course of that day.  
Then prayed they unto God the Creator, in falling down before him, and strengthening their faith towards him, and glorifying him for his boundless bounty, and giving thanks unto him for the time that was past, they recommended themselves to his divine clemency for the future, which being done, they went to bed, and betook themselves to their repose and rest.   

CHAP. XXIV.  
How Gargantua spent his time in rainy weather.  
IF it happened that the weather were any thing cloudy, foul & rainy, all the forenoon was employed, as before specified, according to custom, with this difference only, that they had a good clear fire lighted, to correct the distempers of the air: but after dinner, in stead of their wont exercitations they did abide within, and by way of Apotherapie, (that is, a making the body healthful by exercise,) did recreate themselves in botteling up of hay, in cleaving and sawing of wood, and in threshingsheaves of corn at the Barn. Then they studied the Art of painting or carving; or brought into use the antic play of tables, as Leonicus hath written of it, and as our good friend Lascaris playeth at it. In playing they examined the passages of ancient Authors, wherein the said play is mentioned, or any metaphor drawn from it. They went likewise to see the drawing of metals, or the casting of great ordnance: how the Lapidaries did work, as also the Goldsmiths and Cutters of precious stones: nor did they omit to visit the Alchemists, money-coiners, Upholsters, Weavers, Velvet-workers, Watchmakers, Looking-glasse-framers, Printers, Organists, and other such kind of Artificers, and every where giving them somewhat to drink, did learn and consider the industry and invention of the trades. They went also to hear the public lectures, the solemn commencements, the repetitions, the acclamations, the plead of the gentle Lawyers, and Sermons of Evangelical Preachers. He went through the Halls and places appointed for fencing, and there played against the Masters themselves at all weapons, and showed them by experience, that he knew as much in it as (yea more then) they. And in stead of herborising, they visited the shops of Druggist's, Herbalists and Apothecaries, and diligently considered the fruits, roots, leaves, gums, seeds, the grease and ointments of some foreign parts, as also how they did adulterate them. He went to see the Jugglers, Tumblers, Mountebanks and Quacksalvers; and considered their cunning, their shifts, their summer-saults and smooth tongue, especially of those of Chauny in Picardy, who are naturally great praters, and brave givers of fibs in matter of green apes. At their return they did eat more soberly at supper then at other times, and meats more desiccative and extenuating; to the end that the intemperate moisture of the air, communicated to the body by a necessary confinitie, might by this means be corrected, and that they might not receive any prejudice for want of their ordinary bodily exercise. Thus was Gargantua governed, and kept on in this course of education, from day to day profiting, as you may understand such a young man of his age may of a pregnant judgement with good discipline well continued. Which although at the beginning it seemed difficult, became a little after so sweet, so easy, and so delightful, that it seemed rather the recreation of a King, than the study of a Scholar. Nevertheless Ponocrates, to divert him from this vehement intention of the spirits, thought fit once in a month, upon some fair and clear day to go out of the City betimes in the morning, either towards Gentilly, or Boulogne, or to Montrouge, or Charantou-bridge, or to Vanures, or St. Clou, and there spent all the day long in making the greatest cheer that could be devised, sporting, making merry, drinking healths, playing, singing, dancing, tumbling in some fair meadow, unnestling of sparrows, taking of quails, and fishing for frogs and crabs; but although that day was passed without books or lecture, yet was it not spent without profit; for in the said meadows they usually repeated certain pleasant verses of Virgil's Agriculture, of Hesiod and of Politians husbandry, would set a broach some witty Latin Epigrams, then immediately turned them into round-lays and songs for dancing in the French language. In their feasting, they would sometimes separate the water from the wine that was therewith mixed, as Cato teacheth de re rustica, and Pliny with an ivy cup: would wash the wine in a basin full of water, then take it out again with a funnel as pure as ever. They made the water go from one glass to another, and contrived a thousand little automatarie Engines, that is to say, moving of themselves.   

CHAP. XXV.  
How there was great strife and debate, raised betwixt the Cake-bakers of Learn, and those of Gargantua's countrey-whereupon were waged great wars.  
AT that time, which was the season of Vintage, in the beginning of Harvest, when the country shepherds were set to keep the Vines, and hinder the Starlings from eating up the grapes: as some cake-bakers of Learn happened to pass along in the broad high way, driving unto the City ten or twelve horses loaded with cakes, the said shepherds courteously entreated them to give them some for their money, as the price then ruled in the market; for here it is to be remarked, that it is a celestial food to eat for breakfast hot fresh cakes with grapes, especially the frail clusters, the great red grapes, the muscadine, the verjuice grape and the luskard, for those that are costive in their belly; because it will make them gush out, and squirt the length of a Hunter's staff, like the very tap of a barrel; and oftentimes thinking to let a squib, they did all-to-besquatter and conskite themselves, whereupon they are commonly called the Vintage-thinkers. The Bunsellers or Cake-bakers were in nothing inclinable to their request; but (which was worse) did injure them most outrageously, calling them prattling gablers, lickorous gluttons, freckled bittors, mangy rascals, shiteabed scoundrels, drunken roisters, sly knaves, drowsy loiterers, slapsauce fellows, slabberdegullion druggels, lubbardly lowts, cozening foxes, ruffian rogues, paltry customers, sycophant-varlets, drawlatch hoydons, flouting milksops, jeering companions, staring clowns, forlorn snakes, ninny lobcocks, scurvy sneaksbies, fondling fops, base lowns, saucy coxcombs, idle lusks, scoffing Braggarts, noddy meacocks, blockish grutnols, dod-di-pol-jolt-heads, jobernol goosecaps, foolish loggerheads, sludge calf-lollies, grouthead gnatsnappers, lob-dotterels, gaping changelings, codshead loobies, woodcock slangams, ninnie-hammer flycatchers, noddiepeak simpletons; Turdie gut, shitten shepherds, and other such like defamatory epithets, saying further, that it was not for them to eat of these dainty cakes, but might very well content themselves with the course unraunged bread, or to eat of the great brown household loaf. To which provoking words, one amongst them, called Forgier, (an honest fellow of his person, and a notable springal,) made answer very calmly thus: How long is it since you have got horns, that you are become so proud? indeed formerly you were wont to give us ●ome freely, and will you not now let us have any for our money? This is not the part of good neighbours, neither do we serve you thus when you come hither to buy our good corn, whereof you make your cakes and buns': besides that, we would have given you to the bargain some of our grapes, but by his Zounds, you may chance to repent it, and possibly have need of us at another time, when we shall use you after the like manner, and therefore remember it. Then Marquet, a prime man in the confraternity of the cake-bakers, said unto him▪ Yea Sir, thou art pretty well crest ●isen this morning, thou didst e'er yesternight too much millet and bolymoug, come hither Sirrah, come hither, I will give thee some cakes: whereupon Forgier dreading no harm, in all simplicity went towards him, and drew a sixpence out of his leather sachel, thinking that Market would have sold him some of his cakes; but in stead of cakes, he gave him with his whip such a rude ●●sh overthwart the legs, that the marks of the whipcord knots were apparent in them; then would have fled away, but Forgier cried out as loud as he could, O murder, murder, help, help, help, and in the mean time threw a great cudgel after him, which he carried under his arm, wherewith he hit him in the coronal joint of his head, upon the crotaphick artery of the right side thereof, so forcibly, that Marquet fell down from his mare, more like a dead then living man. Meanwhile the farmers and countrey-swaines that were watching their walnuts near to that place, came running with their great poles and long staves, and laid such load on these cake-bakers, as if they had been to thresh upon green rye. The other shepherds and shepherdesses hearing the lamentable shout of Forgier, came with their slings and slackies following them, and throwing great stones at them, as thick as if it had been hail. At last they overtook them, and took from them about four or five dozen of their cakes: nevertheless they paid for them the ordinary price, and gave them over and above one hundred eggs, and three baskets full of mulberries. Then did the cake-bakers help to get up to his mare- Marquet, who was most shrewdly wounded, and forthwith returned to Learn, changing the resolution they had to go to Pareille, threatening very sharp and boisterously the cowherds, shepherds and farmers of Sevile and Sinays'. This done, the shepherds and shepherdesses made merry with these cakes and fine grapes, and sported themselves together at the sound of the pretty small pipe, scoffing and laughing at those vainglorious cake-bakers, who had that day met with a mischief for want of crossing themselves with a good hand in the morning. Nor did they forget to apply to Forgiers leg some fair great red medicinal grapes, and so handsomely dressed it and bound it up, that he was quickly cured.   

CHAP. XXVI.  
How the inhabitants of Learn, by the commandment of Picrochole their King, assaulted the shepherds of Gargantua, unexpectedly and on a sudden.  
THe Cake-bakers being returned to Learn, went presently, before they did either eat or drink, to the Capitol, and there before their King called Picrochole, the third of that name; made their complaint, showing their paniers broken, their caps all crumpled, their coats torn, their cakes taken away, but above all Marquet most enormously wounded, saying, that all that mischief was done by the shepherds and herdsmen of Grangousier, near the broad high way beyond Sevile: Pichrocole incontinent grew angry and furious; and without ask any further what, how, why or wherefore? commanded the ban and arriere ban to be sounded throughout all his country, that all his vassals of what condition soever, should upon pain of the halter come in the best arms they could, unto the great place before the Castle, at the hour of noon, and the better to strengthen his design, he caused the drum to be beat about the town. Himself, whilst his dinner was making ready, went to see his artillery mounted upon the carriage, to display his colours, and set up the great royal standard, and loaded wanes with store of ammunition both for the field and the belly, arms and victuals: at dinner he dispatched his commissions, and by his express Edict my Lord Shagrag was appointed to command the Vanguard, wherein were numbered sixteen thousand and fourteen harquebusiers or firelocks, together with thirty thousand and eleven Voluntier-adventurers. The great Touquedillion, Master of the horse, had the charge of the Ordnance, wherein were reckoned nine hundred and fourteen brazen pieces, in cannons, double cannons, basilisks, serpentines, culverins, bombards or murderers, falcons, bases or passevolans, spiroles and other sorts of great guns. The Reerguard was committed to the Duke of Scrapegood: In the main battle was the King, and the Princes of his Kingdom. Thus being hastily furnished, before they would set forward, they sent three hundred light horsemen under the conduct of Captain Swillwind, to discover the country, clear the avenues, and see whether there was any ambush laid for them: but after they had made diligent search, they found all the land round about in peace and quiet, without any meeting or convention at all; which Picrochole understanding, commanded that every one should march speedily under his colours: then immediately in all disorder, without keeping either rank or file, they took the fields one amongst another, wasting, spoiling, destroying and making havoc of all wherever they went, not sparing poor nor rich, privileged nor unprivileged places, Church nor Laity, drove away oxen and cows, bulls, calves, heifers, wethers, ewes, lambs, goats, kids, hens, capons, ckickens, geese, ganders, goslings; hogs, swine, pigs and such like. Beating down the walnuts, plucking the grapes, tearing the hedges, shaking the fruit-trees, and committing such incomparable abuses, that the like abomination was never heard of. Nevertheless, they met with none to resist them, for every one submitted to their mercy, beseeching them, that they might be dealt with courteously, in regard that they had always carried themselves, as became good and loving neighbours, and that they had never been guilty of any wrong or outrage done upon them, to be thus suddenly surprised, troubled and disquieted, and that if they would not desist, God would punish them very shortly; to which expostulations and remonstrances no other answer was made, but that they would teach them to eat cakes.   

CHAP. XXVII.  
How a Monk of Sevile saved the Close of the Abbey from being ransacked by the enemy.  
SO much they did, and so far they went pillaging and stealing, that at last they came to Sevile, where they rob both men and women, and took all they could catch: nothing was either too hot or too heavy for them. Although the plague was there in the most part of all the houses, they nevertheless entered every where; then plundered and carried away all that was within; and yet for all this not one of them took any hurt, which is a most wonderful case. For the Curates, Vicars, Preachers, Physicians, Surgeons and Apothecaries, who went to visit, to dress, to cure, to heal, to preach unto, and admonish those that were sick were all dead of the infection; and these devilish robbers and murderers caught never any harm at all. Whence comes this to pass, (my masters) I beseech you think upon it? the town being thus pillaged, they went unto the Abbey with a horrible noise and tumult, but they found it shut and made fast against them; whereupon the body of the army marched forward towards a pass or ford called the Sue de vede, except seven companies of foot, and two hundred lanciers, who staying there, broke down the walls of the Close, to waste, spoil and make havoc of all the Vines and Vintage within that place. The Monks (poor devils) knew not in that extremity to which of all their Sancts they should vow themselves; nevertheless, at all adventures they rang the bells ad capitulum capitulantes: there it was decreed, that they should make a fair Procession, stnssed with good lectures, prayers and litanies, contra hostium insidias, and jolly responses pro pace.  
There was then in the Abbey a claustral Monk, called Freer John of the funnels and gobbets, in French des entoumeures, young, gallant, frisk, lusty, nimble, quick, active, bold, adventurous, resolute, tall, lean, wide-mouthed, long-nosed, a fair dispatcher of morning prayers, unbridler of masses, and runner over of vigils: and to conclude summarily in a word, a right Monk, if ever there was any, since the Monking world monked a Monkery: for the rest a Clerk, even to the teeth in matter of breviary. This Monk hearing the noise that the enemy made within the enclosure of the Vineyard, went out to see what they were doing; and perceiving that they were cutting and gathering the grapes, whereon was grounded the foundation of all their next year's wine, returned unto the choir of the Church where the other Monks were, all amazed and astonished like so many Bell-melters, whom when he heard sing, in, nim, pe, ne, ne, ne, ne, nene, tum, ne, num, num, ini, i mi, co, o, no, o, o, neno, ne, no, no, no, rum, nenum, num. It is well shit, well sung, (said he) by the virtue of God, why do not you sing Paniers farewell, Vintage is done; The devil snatch me, if they be not already within the middle of our Close, and cut so well both Vines and Grapes, that by cod's body there will not be found for these four years to come so much as a gleaning in it. By the belly of Sanct james, what shall we (poor devils) drink the while? Lord God da mihi potum. Then said the Prior of the Covent, What should this drunken fellow do here, let him be carried to prison for troubling the divine service: Nay, said the Monk, the wine service, let us behave ourselves so, that it be not troubled; for you yourself, my Lord Prior, love to drink of the best, and so doth every honest man. Never yet did a man of worth dislike good wine, it is a monastical apophthegm. But these responses that you chant here by G.— are not in season: wherefore is it that our devotions were instituted to be short in the time of Harvest and Vintage, and long in the Advent, and all the winter? The late Friar, Massepelosse of good memory, a true zealous man, (or else I give myself to the devil) of our religion, told me, and I remember it well, how the reason was, that in this season we might press and make the wine, and in Winter whiff it up. Hark you, my masters, you that love the wine, Copse body follow me, for Sanct Antony burn me as freely as a faggot, if they get leave to taste one drop of the liquor, that will not now come and fight for relief of the Vine. Hog's belly, the goods of the Church! Ha, no, no: what the devil, Sanct Thomas of England was well content to die for them; if I died in the same cause, should not I be a Sanct likewise? Yes: yet shall not I die there for all this, for it is I that must do it to others and send them a packing. As he spoke this, he threw off his great Monk's habit, and laid hold upon the staff of the cross, which was made of the heart of a sorbaple-tree, it being of the length of a lance, round, of a full gripe, and a little powdered with lilies called flower de luce, the workmanship whereof was almost all defaced and worn out. Thus went he out in a fair long-skirted jacket, putting his frock scarfewayes athwart his breast, and in this equipage, with his staff, shaft or truncheon of the cross, laid on so lustily, brisk and fiercely upon his enemies, who without any order, or ensign, or trumpet, or drum, were busied in gathering the grapes of the Vineyard; for the Cornets, Guidons and Ensigne-bearers, had laid down their standards, banners, and colours by the wall-sides: the Drummers had knocked out the heads of their Drums on one end, to fill them with grapes: The Trumpeters were loaded with great bundles of bunches, and huge knots of clusters: In sum, every one of them was out of array, and all in disorder. He hurried therefore upon them so rudely, without crying gare or beware, that he overthrew them like hogs, tumbled them over like swine, striking athwart and alongst, and by one means or other laid so about him, after the old fashion of fencing, that to some he beat out their brains, to others he crushed their arms, battered their legs, and bethwacked their sides till their ribs cracked with it; to others again he unjointed the spondyles or knuckles of the neck, disfigured their chaps, gashed their faces, made their cheeks hang flapping on their chin, and so swinged and belammed them, that they fell down before him like hay before a Mower: to some others he spoilt the frame of their kidneys, marred their backs, broke their thigh-bones, pashed in their noses, poached out their eyes, cloven their mandibules, tore their jaws, dung in their teeth into their throat, shook asunder their omoplates or shoulderblade, sphacelated their shins, mortified their shanks, inflamed their ankles, heaved off of the hinges their ishies, their sciatica or hip-gout, dislocated the joints of the knees, squattered into pieces the boughts or pestles of their thighs, and so thumped, mawled and belaboured them every where, that never was corn so thick and threefold threshed upon by ploughmen's flails, as were the pitifully disjointed members of their mangled bodies, under the merciless baton of the cross. If any offered to hide himself amongst the thickest of the Vines, he laid him squat as a flounder, bruised the ridge of his back, and dashed his reins like a dog. If any thought by flight to escape, he made his head to fly in pieces by the Lambdoidal commissure, which is a seam in the hinder part of the scull. If any one did scramble up into a tree, thinking there to be safe, he rend up his perinee, and impaled him in at the fundament. If any of his old acquaintance happened to cry out, Ha Friar John my friend, Friar John, quarter, quarter, I yield myself to you, to you I render myself: So thou shalt (said he) and must whether thou wouldst or no, and withal render and yield up thy soul to all the devils in hell, then suddenly gave them Dronos, that is, so many knocks, thumps, raps, dints, thwacks and bangs, as sufficed to warn Pluto of their coming, and dispatch them a going: if any was so rash and full of temerity as to resist him to his face, than was it he did show the strength of his muscles, for without more ado he did transpierce him, by running him in at the breast, through the mediastine and the heart. Others again he so quashed and bebumped, that with a sound bounce under the hollow of their short ribs, he overturned their stomaches so that they died immediately: to some with a smart sauce on the Epigaster, he would make their midrif swag, then redoubling the blow; gave them such a home-push on the navel, that he made their puddings to gush out. To others through their ballocks he pierced their bumgut, and left not bowel, tripe nor intral in their body, that had not felt the impetuosity, fierceness and fury of his violence. Believe that it was the most horrible spectacle that ever one saw: some cried unto Sanct Barbe, others to St. George; O the holy Lady Nytouch, said one, the good Sanctesse; O our Lady of Succours, said another, help, help: others cried, Our Lady of Cunaut, of Loretta, of good tidings on the other side of the water St. Marry over: some vowed a pilgrimage to St. james, and others to the holy handkerchief at Chamberrie, which three months after that burned so well in the fire, that they could not get one thread of it saved: others sent up their vows to St. Cadovin, others to St. John d' Angelie, and to St. Eutropius of Xaintes: others again invoked St. Mesmes of Chinon, St. Martin of Candes, S. Clovod of Sinays', the holy relics of Laurezay, with a thousand other jolly little Sancts and Santrels: Some died without speaking, others spoke without dying; some died in speaking, others spoke in dying. Others shouted as loud as they could, Confession, Confession, Confiteor, miserere, in manus; so great was the cry of the wounded, that the Prior of the Abbey with all his Monks came forth, who when they saw these poor wretches so slain amongst the Vines, and wounded to death, confessed some of them: but whilst the Priests were busied in confessing them, the little Monkeys ran all to the place where Friar John was, and asked him, wherein he would be pleased to require their assistance? To which he answered, that they should cut the throats of those he had thrown down upon the ground. They presently leaving their outer habits and cowls upon the rails, began to throttle and make an end of those whom he had already crushed: Can you tell with what instruments they did it? with fair gullies, which are little hulchbacked demi-knives, the iron tool whereof is two inches long▪ and the wooden-handle one inch thick, and three inches in length, wherewith the little boys in our country cut ripe walnuts in two, (while they are yet in the shell,) and pick out the kernel, and they found them very fit for the expediting of that wezand-slitting exploit. In the mean time Friar John with his formidable baton of the Cross, got to the breach which the enemies had made, and there stood to snatch up those that endeavoured to escape: Some of the Monkitoes carried the standards, banners, ensigns, guidons and colours into their cells and chambers, to make garters of them. But when those that had been shriven, would have gone out at the gap of the said breach, the sturdy Monk quashed and felled them down with blows, saying, These men have had confession and are penitent souls, they have got their absolution, and gained the pardons: they go into Paradise as straight as a sickle, or as the way is to Say, (like Crooked-Lane at Eastcheap.) Thus by his prowess and valour were discomfited all those of the army that entered into the Close of the Abbey, unto the number of thirteen thousand, six hundred, twenty and two, besides the women and little children, which is always to be understood. Never did Ma●gis the Hermit bear himself more valiantly with his burden or Pilgrim's staff against the Saracens, of whom is written in the Acts of the four sons of Haymon, then did this Monk against his enemies with the staff of the Crosse.   

CHAP. XXVIII.  
How Picrochole stormed and took by assault the rock Clermond, and of Grangousiers unwillingness and aversion from the undertaking of war.  
Whilst the Monk did thus skirmish, as we have said, against those which were entered within the Close; Piorochole in great haste passed the ford of Vede, (a very especial pass) with all his soldiery, and set upon the rock Clermond, where there was made him no resistance at all: and because it was already night, he resolved to quarter himself and his army in that town, and to refresh himself of his pugnative choler. In the morning he stormed and took the Bulwarks and Castle, which afterwards he fortified with rampiers, and furnished with all ammunition requisite, intending to make his retreat there, if he should happen to be otherwise worsted; for it was a strong place, both by Art and Nature, in regard of the stance and situation of it. But let us leave them there, and return to our good Gargantua, who is at Paris very assiduous and earnest at the study of good letters, and athletical exercitations, and to the good old man Grangousier his father, who after supper warmeth his ballocks by a good, clear, great fire, and waiting upon the broiling of some chestnuts, is very serious in drawing scratches on the hearth, with a stick burnt at the one end, wherewith they did stir up the fire, telling to his wife and the rest of the family pleasant old stories and tales of former times. Whilst he was thus employed, one of the shepherds which did keep the Vines, (named Pillot) came towards him, and to the full related the enormous abuses which were committed, and the excessive spoil that was made by Picrochole King of Learn, upon his lands and territories, and how he had pillaged, wasted and ransacked all the country, except the enclosure at Sevile, which Friar John des entoumeures to his great honour had preserved: and that at the same present time the said King was in the rock Clermond: and there with great industry and circumspection, was strengthening himself and his whole army. Halas, halas, alas, (said Grangousier,) what is this good people? do I dream, or is it true that they tell me? Picrochole my ancient friend of old time, of my own kindred and alliance, comes he to invade me? what moves him? what provokes him? what sets him on? what drives him to it? who hath given him this counsel? Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, my God, my Saviour, help me, inspire me, and advise me what I shall do. I protest, I swear before thee, so be thou favourable to me, if ever I did him or his subjects any damage or displeasure, or committed any the least robbery in his country; but on the contrary I have succoured and supplied him with men, money, friendship and counsel upon any occasion, wherein I could be steadable for the improvement of his good; that he hath therefore at this nick of time so outraged and wronged me, it cannot be but by the malevolent and wicked spirit. Good God, thou knowest my courage, for nothing can be hidden from thee; if perhaps he be grown mad, and that thou hast sent him hither to me for the better recovery & re-establishment of his brain: grant me power and wisdom to bring him to the yoke of thy holy will by good discipline. Ho, ho, ho, ho, my good people, my friends and my faithful servants, must I hinder you from helping me? alas, my old age required henceforward nothing else but rest, and all the days of my life I have laboured for nothing so much as peace: but now I must (I see it well) load with arms my poor, weary and feeble shoulders; and take in my trembling hand the lance and horsemans' mace, to succour and protect my honest subjects: reason will have it so; for by their labour am I entertained, and with their sweat am I nourished, I, my children and my family. This notwithstanding, I will not undertake war, until I have first tried all the ways and means of peace, that I resolve upon. Then assembled he his counsel, and proposed the matter as it was indeed, whereupon it was concluded, that they should send some discreet man unto Picrochole, to know wherefore he had thus suddenly broken the Peace, and invaded those lands unto which he had no right nor title. Furthermore, that they should send for Gargantua, and those under his command, for the preservation of the country, and defence thereof now at need. All this pleased Grangousier very well, and commanded that so it should be done. Presently therefore he sent the Basque his Lackey, to fetch Gargantua with all diligence, and wrote to him as followeth.   

CHAP. XXIX.  
The tenor of the letter which Grangousier wrote to his son Gargantua.  
THe fervency of thy studies did require, that I should not in a long time recall thee from that Philosophical rest thou now enjoyest: if the confidence reposed in our friends and ancient confederates had not at this present disappointed the assurance of my old age: But seeing such is my fatal destiny, that I should be now disquieted by those in whom I trusted most: I am forced to call thee back to help the people and goods, which by the right of nature belong unto thee; for even as arms are weak abroad if there be not counsel at home: so is that study vain, and counsel unprofitable, which in a due and convenient time is not by virtue executed and put in effect. My deliberation is not to provoke, but to appease: not to assault, but to defend: not to conquer, but to preserve my faithful subjects and hereditary dominions: into which Picrochole is entered in a hostile manner without any ground or cause, and from day to day pursueth his furious enterprise with that height of insolence that is intolerable to freeborn spirits. I have endeavoured to moderate his tyrannical choler, offering him all that which I thought might give him satisfaction: and oftentimes have I sent lovingly unto him, to understand wherein, by whom, and how he found himself to be wronged? but of him could I obtain no other answer, but a mere defiance, and that in my lands he did pretend only to the right of a civil correspondency and good behaviour, whereby I knew that the eternal God hath left him to the disposure of his own free will and sensual appetite, which cannot choose but be wicked, if by divine grace it be not continually guided: and to contain him within his duty, and bring him to know himself, hath sent him hither to me by a grievous token. Therefore, my beloved son, as soon as thou canst, upon sight of these letters, repair hither with all diligence, to succour not me so much (which nevertheless by natural Piety thou oughtest to do,) as thine own People, which by reason thou mayest save and preserve. The exploit shall be done with as little effusion of blood as may be; and if possible, by means far more expedient, such as military policy, devices and stratagems of war; we shall save all the souls, and send them home as merry as crickets unto their own houses. My dearest Son, the peace of jesus Christ our Redeemer be with thee; salute from me Ponocrates, Gymnastes and Eudemon; the twentieth of September.  
Thy Father Grangousier.   

CHAP. XXX.  
How Ulrich Gallet was sent unto Picrochole.  
THe letters being dictated, signed and sealed, Grangousier ordained that Ulrich Gallet, Master of the requests (a very wise and discreet man, of whose prudence and sound judgement he had made trial in several difficult and debateful matters) to go unto Picrochole, to show what had been decreed amongst them. At the same hour departed the good man Gallet, and having past the ford, asked at the Miller that dwelled there, in what condition Picrochole was: who answered him, that his soldiers had left him neither cock nor hen, that they were retired and shut up into the rock Clermond, and that he would not advise him to go any further for fear of the Scouts, because they were enormously furious; which he easily believed, and therefore lodged that night with the Miller. The next morning he went with a Trumpeter to the gate of the Castle, and required the guards he might be admitted to speak with the King of somewhat that concerned him. These words being told unto the King, he would by no means consent that they should open the gate; but getting upon the top of the bulwark, said unto the Ambassador, What is the news? what have you to say? then the Ambassador began to speak as followeth.   

CHAP. XXXI.  
The speech made by Gallet to Picrochole.  
THere cannot arise amongst men a juster cause of grief, then when they receive hurt and damage, where they may justly expect for favour and good will▪ and not without cause, (though without reason,) have many, after they had fallen into such a calamitous accident, esteemed this indignity less supportable than the loss of their own lives, in such sort, that if they have not been able by force of arms, nor any other means, by reach of wit or subtlety, to stop them in their course, and restrain their fury, they have fallen into desperation, and utterly deprived themselves of this light. It is therefore no wonder if King Grangousier my Master be full of high displeasure, and much disquieted in mind upon thy out ragious and hostile coming: but truly it would be a marvel, if he were not sensible of, and moved with the incomparable abuses and injuries perpetrated by thee and thine upon those of his country, towards whom there hath been no example of inhumanity omitted; which in itself is to him so grievous for the cordial affection, wherewith he hath always cherished his subjects, that more it cannot be to any mortal man; yet in this (above humane apprehension) is it to him the more grievous, that these wrongs and sad offences have been committed by thee and thine, who time out of mind from all antiquity, thou and thy Predecessors have been in a continual league and amity with him, and all his Ancestors; which, even until this time, you have as sacred together inviolably preserved, kept and entertained, so well, that not he and his only, but the very barbarous Nations of the Poictevins, Bretons, Manceaux, and those that dwell beyond the isles of the Canaries, and that of Isabel, have thought it as easy to pull down the firmament, and to set up the depths above the clouds, as to make a breach in your alliance; and have been so afraid of it in their enterprises, that they have never dared to provoke, incense or indamage the one for fear of the other. Nay, which is more, this sacred league hath so filled the world, that there are few Nations at this day inhabiting throughout all the continent and isles of the Ocean, who have not ambitiously aspired to be received into it, upon your own covenants and conditions, holding your joint confederacy in as high esteem as their own territories and dominions; in such sort, that from the memory of man, there hath not been either Prince or league so wild and proud, that durst have offered to invade, I say not your countries, but not so much as those of your confederates: and if by rash and heady counsel they have attempted any new design against them, assoon as they heard the name and title of your alliance, they have suddenly desisted from their enterprises. What rage and madness therefore doth now incite thee, all old alliance infringed, all amity trod under foot, and all right violated, thus in a hostil manner to invade his country, without having been by him or his in any thing prejudiced, wronged or provoked? where is faith? where is law? where is reason? where is humanity? where is the fear of God? dost thou think that these atrocious abuses are hidden from the eternal spirits, and the supreme God, who is the just rewarder of all our undertake? if thou so think, thou deceivest thyself; for all things shall come to pass, as in his incomprehensible judgement he hath appointed. Is it thy fatal destiny, or influences of the stars that would put an end to thy so long enjoyed ease and rest? for that all things have their end and period, so as that when they are come to the superlative point of their greatest height, they are in a trice tumbled down again, as not being able to abide long in that state. This is the conclusion and end of those who cannot by reason and temperance moderate their fortunes and prosperities. But if it be predestinated that thy happiness and ease must now come to an end, must it needs be by wronging my King? him by whom thou wert established? If thy house must come to ruin, should it therefore in its fall crush the heels of him that set it up? The matter is so unreasonable, and so dissonant from common sense, that hardly can it be conceived by humane understanding, and altogether incredible unto strangers, till by the certain and undoubted effects thereof it be made apparent, that nothing is either sacred or holy to those, who having emancipated themselves from God and reason, do merely follow the perverse affections of their own depraved nature. If any wrong had been done by us to thy subjects and dominions: if we had favoured thy ill-willers: if we had not assisted thee in thy need: if thy name and reputation had been wounded by us: or (to speak more truly) if the calumniating spirit, tempting to induce thee to evil, had by false illusions and deceitful fantasies, put into thy conceit the impression of a thought, that we had done unto thee any thing unworthy of our ancient correspondence and friendship, thou oughtest first to have enquired out the truth, and afterwards by a seasonable warning to admonish us thereof; and we should have so satisfied thee, according to thine own hearts desire, that thou shouldest have had occasion to be contented. But, O eternal God, what is thy enterprise? wouldst thou like a perfidious tyrant, thus spoil and lay waste my Master's Kingdom? hast thou found him so silly and blockish, that he would not: or so destitute of men and money, of counsel and skill in military discipline, that he cannot withstand thy unjust invasion? March hence presently, and to morrow some time of the day retreat unto thine own country, without doing any kind of violence or disorderly act by the way: and pay withal a thousand besans of gold, (which in English money, amounteth to five thousand pounds) for reparation of the damages thou hast done in his country: half thou shalt pay to morrow, and the other half at the ides of May next coming, 
Tournemole, baldesesses, menuail, gratelles, morf●aille,  leaving with us in the mean time for hostages; the Dukes of Turnebank, Lowbuttock and Small-trash: together with the Prince of Itches, and Viscount of Snatch-bit.   

CHAP. XXXII.  
How Grangousier to buy Peace, caused the Cakes to be restored.  
WIth that the good man Gallet held his peace, but Picrochole to all his discourse answered nothing but Come and fetch them, come and fetch them: they have ballocks fair and soft, they will knead and provide some cakes for you. Then returned he to Grangousier, whom he found upon his knees bareheaded, crouching in a little corner of his cabinet, and humbly praying unto God, that he would vouchsafe to assuage the choler of Picrochole, and bring him to the rule of reason without proceeding by force. When the good man came back, he asked him, Ha, my friend, my friend, what news do you bring me? There is neither hope nor remedy, (said Gallet) the man is quite out of his wits, and forsaken of God. Yea but (said Grangousier,) my friend, what cause doth he pretend for his outrages? He did not show me any cause at all (said Gallet,) only that in a great anger, he spoke some words of cakes. I cannot tell if they have done any wrong to his Cake-bakers. I will know (said Grangousier,) the matter throughly, before I resolve any more upon what is to be done; then sent he to learn concerning that business, and found by true information, that his men had taken violently some cakes from Pi●rocholes people, and that Marquets head was broken with a slackie or short cudgel: that nevertheless all was well paid, and that the said Marquet had first hurt Forgier with a stroke of his whip athwart the legs; and it seemed good to his whole counsel, that he should defend himself with all his might. Notwithstanding all this (said Grangousier,) seeing the question is but about a few cakes, I will labour to content him; for I am very unwilling to wage war against him. He enquired then what quantity of cakes they had taken away, and understanding that it was but some four or five dozen, he commanded five cartload of them to be baked that same night: and that there should be one full of cakes made with fine butter, fine yolks of eggs, fine saffron and fine spice, to be bestowed upon Marquet, unto whom likewise he directed to be given seven hundred thousand and three Philips, (that is, at three shillings the piece, one hundred five thousand pounds and nine shillings of English money) for reparation of his losses and hindrances, and for satisfaction of the Chirurgeon that had dressed his wound: and furthermore settled upon him and his for ever in freehold the Apple-Orchard called La Pomardiere; for the conveyance and passing of all which was sent Gallet, who by the way as they went made them gather near the willow-trees great store of boughs, canes and reeds, wherewith all the Carrier's were enjoined to garnish and deck their carts, and each of them tocarry one in his hand, as himself likewise did, thereby to give all men to understand that they demanded but Peace, and that they came to buy it.  
Being come to the gate, they required to speak with Picrochole from Grangousier. Picrochole would not so much as let them in, nor go to speak with them, but sent them word that he was busy, and that they should deliver their mind to Captain Touquedillon, who was then planting a piece of Ordnance upon the wall. Then said the good man unto him, My Lord, to ease you of all this labour, and to take away all excuses why you may not return unto our former alliance, we do here presently restore unto you the Cakes upon which the quarrel arose: five dozen did our people take away, they were well paid for; we love Peace so well, that we restore unto you five cartloads, of which this cart shall be for Marquet, who doth most complain; besides, to content him entirely, here are seven hundred thousand and three Philips, which I deliver to him: and for the losses he may pretend to have sustained, I resign for ever the farm of the Pomardiere, to be possessed in fee-simple by him and his for ever, without the payment of any duty, or acknowledgement of homage, fealty, fine or service whatsoever: and here is the tenor of the deed, and for God's sake let us live henceforward in Peace, and withdraw yourselves merrily into your own country from within this place, unto which you have no right at all, as yourselves must needs confess, and let us be good friends as before. Touquedillon related all this to Picrochole, and more and more exasperated his courage, saying to him, These clowns are afraid to some purpose: by G— Grangousier conskites himself for fear; the poor drinker he is not skilled in warfare, nor hath he any stomach for it, he knows better how to empty the flagons, that is his Art. I am of opinion that it is fit we send back the carts and the money; and for the rest, that very speedily we fortify ourselves here, then prosecute our fortune. But what do they think to have to do with a ninnie-whoop, to feed you thus with cakes? You may see what it is; the good usage, and great familiarity which you have had with them heretofore, hath made you contemptible in their eyes. Anoint a villain, he will prick you: prick a villain, and he will anoint you: Sa, sa, sa, 
Ungentem pungit, pungentem rusticus ungit.  (said Picrochole,) by St. james you have given a true character of them. One thing I will advise you (said Touquedillon,) we are here but badly victualled, and furnished with mouth-harnasse very slenderly: if Grangousier should come to besiege us, I would go presently, and pluck out of all your soldier's heads and mine own all the teeth except three to each of us, and with them alone we should make an end of our provision, but too soon we shall have (said Picrochole,) but too much sustenance and feeding-stuffe: came we hither to eat or to fight? To fight indeed (said Touquedillon,) yet from the paunch comes the dance, and where famine rules force is exiled. Leave off your prating (said Picrochole,) and forthwith seize upon what they have brought. Then took they money and cakes, oxen and carts, and sent them away without speaking one word, only that they would come no more so near, for a reason that they would give them the morrow after. Thus without doing any thing, returned they to Grangousier, and related the whole matter unto him, subjoyning that there was no hope left to draw them to Peace, but by sharp and fierce wars.   

CHAP. XXXIII.  
How some Statesmen of Picrochole, by hare-brained counsel put him in extreme danger.  
THe carts being unloaded, 
Menuaille spadassin merdaille.  and the money and cakes secured, there came before Picrochole, the Duke of Small-trash, the Earl Swashbuckler, and Captain Durtaille, who said unto him, Sir, this day we make you the happiest, the most warlike and chivalrous Prince that ever was since the death of Alexander of Macedonia. Be covered, be covered, (said Picrochole,) Gramercy (said they) we do but our duty: The manner is thus, you shall leave some Captain here to have the charge of this Garrison, with a Party competent for keeping of the place, which besides its natural strength, is made stronger by the rampiers and fortresses of your devising. Your Army you are to divide into two parts, as you know very well how to do: one part thereof shall fall upon Grangousier and his forces, by it shall he be easily at the very first shock routed, and then shall you get money by heaps, for the Clown hath store of ready coin: Clown we call him, because a noble and generous Prince hath never a penny, and that to hoard up treasure is but a clownish trick. The other part of the Army in the mean time shall draw towards Onies, Xaintouge, Angoulesme and Gascony: then march to Perigourt, Medos and Elanes, taking wherever you come without resistance, towns, castles and forts: Afterwards to Bayonne, St. John de luz, to Fuentarabia, where you shall seize upon all the ships, and coasting along Galicia and Portugal, shall pillage all the maritine places, even unto Lisbon, where you shall be supplied with all necessaries befitting a Conqueror. By copsodie Spain will yield, for they are but a race of Loobies: then are you to pass by the straits of Gibraltar, where you shall erect two pillars more stately than those of Hercules, to the perpetual memory of your name, and the narrow entrance shall be called the Picrocholinal sea.  
Having past the Picrocholinal sea, behold, Barbarossa yields himself your slave: I will (said Picrochole) give him fair quarter and spare his life. Yea (said they) so that he be content to be christened. And you shall conquer the Kingdoms of Tunes, of Hippos, Argier, Bomine, Corode, yea all Barbary. Furthermore, you shall take into your hands Majorca, Minorca, Sardinia, Corsica, with the other Islands of the Ligustick and Balcarian seas. Going alongst on the left hand, you shall rule all Gallia Narbonensis, Provence, the Allobrogians, Genua, Florence, Luca, and then God biwy Rome▪ By my faith (said Picrochole,) I will not then kiss his pantuffle.  
Italy being thus taken, behold, Naples, Calabria, Apulia and Sicily, all ransacked, and Malta too. I wish the pleasant Knights of the Rhodes heretofore would but come to resist you, that we might see their urine. I would (said Picrochole) very willingly go to Loretta. No, no, (said they) that shall be at our return; from thence we will sail Eastwards, and take Candia, Cyprus, Rhodes, and the Cyclade Islands, and set upon Morea. It is ours by St. Trenian, the Lord preserve jerusalem; for the great Sultan is not comparable to you in power: I will then (said he) cause Solomon's Temple to be built: No, (said they) not yet, have a little patience, stay a while, be never too sudden in your enterprises. Can you tell what Octavian Augustus said, Festina lentè; it is requisite that you first have the lesser Asia, Caria, Lycia, Pamphilia, Cilicia, Lydia, Phrygia, Mysia, Bythinia, Carazia, Satalia, Samagaria, Castamena, Luga, Sanasta, even unto Euphrates; Shall we see (said Picrochole,) Babylon and Mount Sinai? There is no need (said they) at this time; have we not hurried up and down, traveled and toiled enough, in having transfreted and passed over the Hyrcanian sea, marched alongst the two Armenia's, and the three Arabia's? By my faith (said he) we have played the fools, and are undone: Ha, poor souls! What's the matter, said they? What shall we have (said he) to drink in these deserts? for julian Augustus, with his whole Army died there for thirst, as they say. We have already (said they) given order for that. In the Siriack sea you have nine thousand and fourteen great ships laden with the best wines in the world: they arrived at Port-Ioppa, there they found two and twenty thousand Camels, and sixteen hundred Elephants, which you shall have taken at one hunting about Sigelmes, when you entered into Lybia: and besides this, you had all the Mecca Caravane. Did not they furnish you sufficiently with wine? Yes, but (said he) we did not drink it fresh: By the virtue (said they) not of a fish, a valiant man, a Conqueror, who pretends and aspires to the Monarchy of the world, cannot always have his ease. God be thanked, that you and your men are come safe and sound unto the banks of the river Tigris; But (said he) what doth that part of our Army in the mean time, which overthrows that unworthy Swill-pots Grangousier? They are not idle (said they) we shall meet with them by and by, they shall have won you Brittany, Normandy, Flanders, Haynault, Brabant, Artois, Holland, Zealand; they have passed the Rhine over the bellies of the Switsers and Lanskenets, and a Party of these hath subdued Luxemburg, Lorraine, Champagne and Savoy, even to Lions, in which place they have met with your forces, returning fro● the naval Conquests of the Mediterranean sea: and have rallied again in Bohemia, after they had plundered and sacked Suevia, Wittenberg, Bavaria, Austria, Moravia and Styria. Then they set fiercely together upon Lubeck, Norway, Swedeland, Rye, Denmark, Gitland, Greenland, the Sterlins, even unto the frozen sea; this done, they conquered the isles of Orkney, and subdued Scotland, England and Ireland. From thence sailing through the sandy sea, and by the Sarmates, they have vanquished and overcome Prussia, Poland, Lituania, Russia, Walachia, Transilvania, Hungary, Bulgaria, Turquieland, and are now at Constantinople. Come (said Picrochole,) let us go join with them quickly, for I will be Emperor of Trebezonde also: shall we not kill all these dogs, Turks and Mahumetans? What a devil should we do else, said they: and you shall give their goods and lands to such as shall have served you honestly: Reason (said he) will have it so, that is but just, I give unto you the Caramania, Surie, and all the Palestine. Ha, Sir, (said they) it is out of your goodness; Gramercy, we thank you, God grant you may always prosper. There was there present at that time an old Gentleman well experienced in the wars, a stern soldier, and who had been in many great hazards, named Echephron, who hearing this discourse, said, I do greatly doubt that all this enterprise will be like the tale or interlude of the pitcher full of milk, wherewith a Shoemaker made himself rich in conceit: but when the pitcher was broken, he had not whereupon to dine: what do you pretend by these large Conquests? what shall be the end of so many labours and crosses? Thus it shall be (said Picrochole) that when we are returned, we shall sit down, rest and be merry: But (said Echephron,) if by chance you should never come back, for the voyage is long and dangerous, were it not better for us to take our rest now, then unnecessarily to expose ourselves to so many dangers? O (said Swashbuckler,) by G— here is a good dotard, come let us go hide ourselves in the corner of a chimney, and there spend the whole time of our life amongst Ladies, in threading of pearls, or spinning like Sardanapalus: He that nothing ventures, hath neither horse nor mule, (says Solomon:) He who adventureth too much (said Echephron) loseth both horse and mule, answered Malchon. Enough (said Picrochole,) go forward: I fear nothing, but that these devilish legions of Grangousier, whilst we are in Mesopotamia, will come on our backs, and charge up our rear, what course shall we then take? what shall be our remedy? A very good one; (said Durtaille) a pretty little commission, which you must send unto the Muscoviters, shall bring you into the field in an instant four hundred and fifty thousand choice men of war; O that you would but make me your Lieutenant General, I should for the lightest faults of any inflict great punishments. I fret, I charge, I strike, I take, I kill, I slay, I play the devil. On, on, (said Picrochole) make haste, my lads, and let him that loves me, follow me.   

CHAP. XXXIV.  
How Gargantua left the City of Paris, to succour his country, and how Gymnast encountered with the enemy.  
IN this same very hour Gargantua, who was gone out of Paris, assoon as he had read his father's letters, coming upon his great mare had already past the Nunnerie-bridge himself, Pono●rates, Gymnast and Eudemon, who all three, the better to enable them to go along with him took Post-horses: the rest of his train came after him by even journeys at a slower pace, bringing with them all his books and Philosophical instruments; assoon as he had alighted at Parille, he was informed by a farmer of Gouget, how Picrochole had fortified himself within the rock Clermond, and had sent Captain Tripet with a great army to set upon the wood of Vede and Vaugaudry, and that they had already plundered the whole country, not leaving cock nor hen, even as far as to the winepress of Billiard. These strange and almost incredible news of the enormous abuses, thus committed over all the land, so affrighted Gargantua, that he knew not what to say nor do: but Ponocrates counselled him to go unto the Lord of Vauguyon, who at all times had been their friend and confederate, and that by him they should be better advised in their business: which they did incontinently, and found him very willing, and fully resolved to assist them, and therefore was of opinion, that they should send some one of his company, to scout along and discover the country, to learn in what condition and posture the enemy was, that they might take counsel, and proceed according to the present occasion. Gymnast offered himself to go; whereupon it was concluded, that for his safety, and the better expedition, he should have with him some one that knew the ways, avenues, turnings, windings and rivers thereabout. Then away went he and Prelingot, (the Equerry or Gentleman of Vauguyons' horse,) who scouted and espied as narrowly as they could upon all quarters without any fear. In the mean time Gargantua took a little refreshment, ate somewhat himself, the like did those who were with him, and caused to give to his mare a Picotine of Oats, that is, threescore and fourteen quarters and three bushels. Gymnast and his Comrade road so long, that at last they met with the enemy's forces, all scattered and out of order, plundering, stealing, robbing and pillaging all they could lay their hands on: and as far off as they could perceive him, they ran thronging upon the back of one another in all haste towards him, to unload him of his money, and untruss his Portmantles. Then cried he out unto them, (My Masters,) I am a poor devil, I desire you to spare me, I have yet one Crown left, come, we must drink it; for it is aurum potabile, and this horse here shall be sold to pay my welcome: afterwards take me for one of your own; for never yet was there any man that knew better how to take, lard, roast and dress, yea by G— to tear asunder and devour a hen, than I that am here: and for my Proficiat I drink to all good fellows. With that he unscrued his Borracho, (which was a great dutch leathern bottle,) and without putting in his nose drank very honestly: the marousle Rogues looked upon him, opening their throats a foot wide, and putting out their tongues like Greyhounds, in hopes to drink after him: but Captain Tripet, in the very nick of that their expectation, came running to him to see who it was. To him Gymnast offered his bottle, saying, Hold, Captain, drink boldly and spare not; I have been thy taster, it is wine of La fay monjau. What? (said Tripet) this fellow gybes and flouts us; Who art thou? (said Tripet) I am (said Gymnast) a poor devil, (pavure diable:) Ha, (said Tripet) seeing thou art a poor devil, it is reason that thou shouldest be permitted to go whithersoever thou wilt, for all poor devils pass every where without toll or tax; but it is not the custom of poor devils to be so well mounted, therefore, Sir devil, come down, and let me have your horse, and if he do not carry me well, you, Master devil, must do it; for I love a life that such a devil as you should carry me away.   

CHAP. XXXV.  
How Gymnast very souply and cunningly killed Captain Tripet, and others of Picrocholes men.  
WHen they heard these words, some amongst them began to be afraid, and blest themselves with both hands, thinking indeed that he had been a devil disguised: insomuch that one of them, named good John, Captain of the trained bands of the Country bumpkins, took his Psalter out of his Codpiece, and cried out aloud, Hagios ho theos. If thou be of God speak: if thou be of the other spirit avoid hence, and get thee going: yet he went not away; which words being heard by all the soldiers that were there, divers of them being a little inwardly terrified, departed from the place: all this did Gymnast very well remark and consider, and therefore making as if he would have alighted from off his horse, as he was poising himself on the mounting side, he most nimbly (with his short sword by his thigh,) shifting his feet in the stirrup, performed the stirrup-leather feat, whereby after the inclining of his body downwards, he forthwith launched himself aloft in the air, and placed both his feet together on the saddle, standing upright with his back turned towards the horse's head; Now (said he) my case goes backward. Then suddenly in the same very posture wherein he was, he fetched a gambole upon one foot, and turning to the left hand, failed not to carry his body perfectly round, just into its former stance, without misfing one jot. Ha (said Tripet,) I will not do that at this time, and not without cause. Well, (said Gymnast) I have failed, I will undo this leap: then with a marvellous strength and agility, turning towards the right hand he fetch't another frisking gambole, as before, which done, he set his right hand thumb upon the hind bow of the saddle, raised himself up, and sprung in the air, poising and upholding his whole body, upon the muscle and nerve of the said thumb: and so turned and whirled himself about three times: at the fourth reversing his body, and overturning it upside down, and foreside back, without touching any thing he brought himself betwixt the horses two ears, springing with all his body into the air, upon the thumb of his left hand; and in that posture turning like a windmill, did most actively do that trick which is called the Miller's Pass. After this, clapping his right hand flat upon the middle of the saddle, he gave himself such a jerking swing, that he thereby seated himself upon the crupper, after the manner of Gentlewomen's sitting on horseback: this done, he easily past his right leg over the saddle, and placed himself like one that rides in croup: But, said he, it were better for me to get into the saddle; then putting the thumbs of both hands upon the crupper before him, and thereupon leaning himself, as upon the only supporters of his body, he incontinently turned heels over head in the air, and straight found himself betwixt the bow of the saddle in a good settlement. Then with a summer-sault springing into the air again, he fell to stand with both his feet close together upon the saddle, and there made above a hundred frisks, turns and demi-pommads, with his arms held out across, and in so doing, cried out aloud, I rage, I rage, devils, I am stark mad; devils, I am mad, hold me, devils, hold me, hold, devils, hold, hold.  
Whilst he was thus vaulting, the Rogues in great astonishment said to one another, By cock's death he is a goblin or a devil thus disguised, Ab hoste maligno libera nos, Domine, and ran away in a full flight, as if they had been routed, looking now and then behind them like a dog that carrieth away a goose-wing in his mouth. Then Gymnast spying his advantage, alighted from his horse, drew his sword, & laid on great blows upon the thickest, and highest-crested amongst them, and overthrew them in great heaps, hurt, wounded and bruised, being resisted by no body, they thinking he had been a starved devil, as well in regard of his wonderful feats in vaulting, which they had seen, as for the talk Tripet had with him, calling him poor devil: only Tripet would have traitorously cleft his head with his horsemans' sword, or lanse-knight falchion; but he was well armed, and felt nothing of the blow, but the weight of the stroke; whereupon turning suddenly about, he gave Tripet a homethrust, and upon the back of that, whilst he was about to ward his head from a slash, he in ran him at the breast with a hit, which at once cut his stomach, the fifth gut called the Colon, and the half of his liver, wherewith he fell to the ground, and in falling gushed forth above four pottles of pottage, and his soul mingled with the pottage.  
This done, Gymnast withdrew himself, very wisely considering, that a case of great adventure and hazard, should not be pursued unto its utmost period, and that it becomes all Cavaliers modestly to use their good fortune, without troubling or stretching it too far; wherefore getting to horse, he gave him the spur, taking the right way unto Vauguyon, and Prelingot with him.   

CHAP. XXXVI.  
How Gargantua demolished the Castle at the Ford of Vede, and how they passed the Ford.  
AS soon as he came, he related the estate and condition wherein they had found the enemy, and the stratagem which he alone had used against all their multitude, affirming that they were but rascally rogues, plunderers, thiefs and robbers, ignorant of all military discipline, and that they might boldly set forward unto the field; it being an easy matter to fell and strike them down like beasts. Then Gargantua mounted his great Mare, accompanied as we have said before, and finding in his way a high and great tree, (which commonly was called by the name of St. Martin's tree, because heretofore St. Martin planted a Pilgrim's staff there, which in tract of time grew to that height and greatness,) said, This is that which I lacked; this tree shall serve me both for a staff and lance: with that he pulled it up easily, plucked off the boughs, and trimmed it at his pleasure: in the mean time his Mare pissed to ease her belly, but it was in such abundance, that it did overflow the country seven leagues, and all the piss of that Urinal flood, ran glib away towards the Ford of Vede, wherewith the water was so swollen, that all the Forces the enemy had there, were with great horror drowned, except some who had taken the way on the left hand towards the hills. Gargantua being come to the place of the wood of Vede, was informed by Eudemon, that there was some remainder of the enemy within the Castle, which to know, Gargantua cried out as loud as he was able, Are you there, or are you not there? if you be there, be there no more; and if you be not there, I have no more to say. But a ruffian gunner, whose charge was to attend the Portcullis over the gate, let fly a cannon-ball at him, and hit him with that shot most furiously on the right temple of his head, yet did him no more hurt, then if he had but cast a prune or kernel of a wine-grape at him: What is this? (said Gargantua) do you throw at us grape-kernels here? the Vintage shall cost you dear, thinking indeed that the bullet had been the kernel of a grape, or raisin-kernel.  
Those who were within the Castle, being till then busy at the pillage, when they heard this noise, ran to the towers and fortresses, from whence they shot at him above nine thousand and five and twenty falconshot and harcabusades, aiming all at his head, and so thick did they shoot at him, that he cried out, Ponocrates my friend, these flies here are like to put out mine eyes, give me a branch of those willow-trees to drive them away, thinking that the bullets and stones shot out of the great ordnance had been but dunflies. Ponocrates' looked and saw that there were no other flies, but great shot which they had shot from the Castle. Then was it that he, rushed with his great tree against the Castle, and with mighty blows overthrew both towers and fortresses, and laid all level with the ground, by which means all that were within were slain and broken in pieces. Going from thence, they came to the bridge at the Mill, where they found all the Ford covered with dead bodies, so thick, that they had choked up the Mill, and stopped the current of its water, and these were those that were destroyed in the Urinal deluge of the Mare. There they were at a stand, consulting how they might pass without hindrance by these dead carcases. But Gymnast said, If the devils have passed there, I will pass well enough. The devils have passed there (said Eudemon,) to carry away the damned souls. By St. Rhenian (said Ponocrates,) then by necessary consequence he shall pass there: Yes, yes, (said Gymnastes) or I shall stick in the way: then setting spurs to his horse, he passed through freely, his horse not fearing, nor being any thing affrighted at the sight of the dead bodies; for he had accustomed him (according to the doctrine of Aelian) not to fear armour, nor the carcases of dead men; and that not by killing men as Diomedes did the Thracians, or as Ulysses did in throwing the Corpses of his enemies at his horses feet, as Homer saith, but by putting a Jack-a-lent amongst his hay, & making him go over it ordinarily, when he gave him his oats. The other three followed him very close, except Eudemon only, whose horses foreright or far forefoot, sank up to the knee in the paunch of a great fat chuff, who lay there upon his back drowned, and could not get it out: there was he pestered, until Gargantua with the end of his staff thrust down the rest of the Villains tripes into the water, whilst the horse pulled out his foot; and (which is a wonderful thing in Hippiatrie,) the said horse was throughly cured of a ringbone which he had in that foot, by this touch of the burst guts of that great loobie.   

CHAP. XXXVII.  
How Gargantua in combing his head, made the great cannon-ball fall out of his hair.  
BEing come out of the river of Vede, they came very shortly after to Grangousiers Castle, who waited for them with great longing; at their coming they were entertained with many congees, and cherished with embraces, never was seen a more joyful company, for supplementum supplementi Chronicorum, saith, that Gargamelle died there with joy; for my part, truly I cannot tell, neither do I care very much for her, nor for any body else. The truth was, that Gargantua in shifting his clothes, and combing his head with a comb, (which was nine hundred foot long of the jewish Canne-measure, and whereof the teeth were great tusks of Elephants, whole and entire) he made fall at every rake above seven balls of bullets, at a dozen the ball, that stuck in his hair, at the razing of the Castle of the wood of Vede, which his father Grangousier seeing, thought they had been lice, and said unto him, What, my dear son, hast thou brought us thus far some short-winged hawks of the College of Montague? I did not mean that thou shouldest reside there; Then answered Ponocrates, my sovereign Lord, think not that I have placed him in that lousy College, which they call Montague; I had rather have put him amongst the grave-diggers of Sanct Innocent, so enormous is the cruelty and villainy that I have known there; for the Galley-slaves are far better used amongst the Moors and Tartars, the murderers in the criminal dungeons, yea the very dogs in your house, then are the poor wretched Students in the aforesaid College; and if I were King of Paris, the devil take me if I would not set it on fire, and burn both Principal and Regent's, for suffering this inhumanity to be exercised before their eyes: then taking up one of these bullets, he said, These are cannon-shot, which your son Gargantua hath lately received by the treachery of your enemies, as he was passing before the Wood of Vede.  
But they have been so rewarded, that they are all destroyed in the ruin of the Castle, as were the Philistines by the policy of Samson, and those whom the tower of Silohim slew, as it is written in the thirteenth of Luke; My opinion is, that we pursue them whilst the luck is on our side, for occasion hath all her hair on her forehead, when she is past, you may not recall her, she hath no tuft whereby you can lay hold on her, for she is bald in the hind-part of her head, and never returneth again. Truly (said Grangousier,) it shall not be at this time; for I will make you a feast this night, and bid you welcome.  
This said, they made ready supper, and of extraordinary besides his daily fare, were roasted sixteen oxen, three heifers, two and thirty calves, threescore and three fat kids, sourscore and fifteen wethers, three hundred barrow-pigs or sheats soused in sweet wine or must, elevenscore partridges, seven hundred snites and woodcocks, four hundred Loudon and Cornwal-capons, six thousand pullets, and as many pigeons, six hundred crammed hens, fourteen hundred leverets, or young hares and rabbits, three hundred and three buzzards, and one thousand and seven hundred cockerels. For venison, they could not so suddenly come by it, only eleven wild bores, which the Abbot of Turpenay sent, and eighteen fallow deer which the Lord of Gramount bestowed; together with sevenscore pheasants, which were sent by the Lord of Essars; and some dozen of queests, coushots, ringdoves and woodculvers; River-fowle, teals and awteales, bittorns, courts, plovers, francolins, briganders, tyrasons, young lapwings, tame ducks, shovelers, woodlanders, herons, moore-hens, criels, storks, canepetiers, oronges, flamans', which are phaenicopters, or crimson-winged sea-fowles, terrigoles, turkeys, arbens, coats, solingeeses, curlews, termagants and water-wagtails, with a great deal of cream, curds and fresh cheese, and store of soupe, pottages, and brewis with variety. Without doubt there was meat enough, and it was handsomely dressed by Snapsauce, Hodgepodge and Brayverjuice, Grangousiers Cooks. jenkin, Trudg-apace and Clean-glasse, were very careful to fill them drink.   

CHAP. XXXVIII.  
How Gargantua did eat up six Pilgrims in a salad.  
THe story requireth, that we relate that which happened unto six Pilgrims, who came from Sebastian near to Nantes: and who for shelter that night, being afraid of the enemy, had hid themselves in the garden upon the chichling pease, among the cabbages and lettices. Gargantua finding himself somewhat dry, asked whether they could get any lettuce to make him a salad; and hearing that there were the greatest and fairest in the country (for they were as great as plum-trees, or as walnut-trees) he would go thither himself, and brought thence in his hand what he thought good, and withal carried away the six Pilgrims, who were in so great fear, that they did not dare to speak nor cough.  
Washing them therefore first at the fountain, the Pilgrims said one to another softly, What shall we do? we are almost drowned here amongst these lettuce, shall we speak? but if we speak, he will kill us for spies▪ and as they were thus deliberating what to do, Gargantua put them with the lettuce into a platter of the house, as large as the huge tun of the white Friars of the Cistertian order, which done, with oil, vinegar and salt he ate them up, to refresh himself a little before supper: and had already swallowed up five of the Pilgrims, the sixth being in the platter, totally hid under a lettuce, except his burden or staff that appeared, and nothing else. Which Grangousier seeing, said to Gargantua, I think that is the horn of a shell-snail, do not eat it. Why not, (said Gargantua) they are good all this month, which he no sooner said, but drawing up the staff, and therewith taking up the Pilgrim, he ate him very well, then drank a terrible draught of excellent white wine. The Pilgrims thus devoured, made shift to save themselves as well as they could, by withdrawing their bodies out of the reach of the grinders of his teeth, but could not escape from thinking they had been put in the lowest dungeon of a prison. And when Gargantua whiffed the great draught, they thought to have been drowned his mouth, and the flood of wine had almost carried them away into the gulf of his stomach. Nevertheless skipping with their bourdons, as St. Michael's Palmers use to do, they sheltered themselves from the danger of that inundation, under the banks of his teeth. But one of them by chance, groping or sounding the country with his staff, to try whether they were in safety or no, struck hard against the cleft of a hollow tooth, and hit the mandibulary sinew, or nerve of the jaw, which put Gargantua to very great pain, so that he began to cry for the rage that he felt; to ease himself therefore of his smarting ache, he called for his tooth-picker, and rubbing towards a young walnut-tree, where they lay skulking, unnestled you my Gentlemen Pilgrims.  
For he caught one by the legs, another by the scrip, another by the pocket, another by the scarf, another by the band of the breeches, and the poor fellow that had hurt him with the burden, him he hooked to him by the Codpiece, which snatch nevertheless did him a great deal of good, for it pierced unto him a pocky botch he had in the groin, which grievously tormented him ever since they were passed Ancenis. The Pilgrims thus dislodged ran away athwart the Plain a pretty fast pace, and the pain ceased, even just at the time when by Eudemon he was called to supper, for all was ready. I will go then (said he) and piss away my misfortune, which he did do in such a copious measure, that the urine, taking away the feet from the Pilgrims, they were carried along with the stream unto the bank of a tuft of trees: upon which, assoon as they had taken footing, and that for their selfpreservation they had run a little out of the road, they on a sudden fell all six, except Fourniller, into a trap that had been made to take wolves by a train: out of which nevertheless they escaped by the industry of the said Fourniller, who broke all the snares and ropes. Being gone from thence, they lay all the rest of that night in a lodge near unto Coudry, where they were comforted in their miseries, by the gracious words of one of their company, called Sweertogo, who showed them that this adventure had been foretold by the Prophet David, Psalm. Quum exurgerent homines in nos, fortè vivos deglutîssent nos; when they were eaten in the salad, with salt, oil and vinegar, Quum irasceretur furor eorum in nos, forsitan aqua absorbuisset nos; when he drank the great draught, Torrentem pertransivit anima nostra; when the stream of his water carried us to the thicket, Forsitan pertransisset anima nostra aquam intolerabilem; that is, the water of his Urine, the flood whereof cutting our way, took our feet from us. Benedictus Dominus qui non dedit nos in captionem dentibus eorum: anima nostra sicut passer erepta est de laqueo venantium; when we fell in the trap, Laqueus contritus est, by Fourniller, Et nos liberati sumus, adjutorium nostrum▪ etc.   

CHAP. XXXIX.  
How the Monk was feasted by Gargantua, and of the jovial discourse they had at supper.  
WHen Gargantua was set down at table, after all of them had somewhat stayed their stomaches by a snatch or two of the first bits eaten heartily; Grangousier began to relate the source and cause of the war, raised between him and Picrochole: and came to tell how Friar John of the Funnels, had triumphed at the defence of the close of the Abbey, and extolled him for his valour above Camillus, Scipio, Pompey, Caesar and Themistocles. Then Gargantua desired that he might be presently sent for, to the end that with him they might consult of what was to be done; whereupon by a joint consent his steward went for him, and brought him along merrily, with his staff of the Cross upon Grangousiers Mule: when he was come, a thousand hug, a thousand embracements, a thousand good days were given: Ha Friar John my friend, Friar John my brave cousin, Friar John from the devil: let me clip thee (my heart) about the neck, to me an armesful; I must gripe thee (my ballock) till thy back crack with it; Come (my cod,) let me college thee till I kill thee; and Friar John the gladdest man in the world, never was man made welcomer, never was any more courteously and graciously received then Friar Ihon. Come, come, (said Gargantua, a stool here close by meat this end: I am content, (said the Monk) seeing you will have it so. Some water (Page) fill, my boy fill, it is to refresh my liver; give me some (child) to gargoyle my throat withal. Depositâ cappâ, (said Gymnast,) let us pull off this frock. Ho, by G— Gentleman (said the Monk) there is a chapter in statutis ordinis, which opposeth my laying of it down; Pish (said Gymnast) a fig for your chapter, this frock breaks both your shoulders, put it off. My friend (said the Monk) let me alone with it; for by G— I'll drink the better that it is on: it makes all my body jocund; if I should lay it aside, the waggish Pages would cut to themselves garters out of it, as I was once served at Coulaines: and which is worse, I should lose my appetite: but if in this habit I sit down at table, I will drink by G— both to thee and to thy horse, and so courage, frolic, God save the company: I have already supped, yet will I eat never a whit the less for that; for I have a paved stomach, as hollow as a But of malvoisie, or St. Benedictus boot, and always open like a Lawyer's pouch. Of all fishes, but the tench, take the wing of a Partridge, or the thigh of a Nun; Doth not he die like a good fellow that dies with a stiff Catso? Our Prior loves exceedingly the white of a capon: In that (said Gymnast) he doth not resemble the foxes; for of the capons, hens and pullets which they carry away, they never eat the white: Why? (said the Monk) Because (said Gymnast) they have no Cooks to dress them; and if they be not competently made ready, they remain red and not white, the redness of meats being a token that they have not got enough of the fire, whether by boiling, roasting or otherwise, except the shrimps, lobsters, crabs and crayfish, which are cardinalised with boiling: by God's feast-gazers (said the Monk) the Porter of our Abbey then hath not his head well-boyled, for his eyes are as red as a mazer made of an elder-tree. The thigh of this lerevet, is good for those that have the gout. To the purpose of the truel, what is the reason that the thighs of a Gentlewoman are always fresh and cool: This Problem (said Gargantua) is neither in Aristotle, in Alexander Aphrodiseus, nor in Plutarch. There are three causes (said the Monk) by which that place is naturally refreshed. Primò, because the water runs all along by it. Secundo, because it is a shady place, obscure and dark, upon which the Sun never shines. And thirdly, because it is continually flabbelled, blown upon and aired by the northwindes of the hole arstick, the fan of the smock, and flipflap of the Codpiece. And lusty my lads, some bousing liquor, Page; so: Crack, crack, crack. O how good is God that gives us of this excellent juice! I call him to witness, if I had been in the time of jesus Christ, I would have kept him from being taken by the jews in the garden of Olivet: and the devil fail me, if I should have failed to cut off the hams of these Gentlemen Apostles, who ran away so basely after they had well supped, and left their good Master in the lurch. I hate that man worse than poison that offers to run away, when he should fight and lay stoutly about him. Oh that I were but King of France for fourscore or a hundred years! by G— I should whip like curtail-dogs these runaways of Pavia: A plague take them, why did not they choose rather to die there, then to leave their good Prince in that pinch and necessity? Is it not better and more honourable to perish in fight valiantly, then to live in disgrace by a cowardly running away? We are like to eat no great store of goslings this year, therefore, friend, reach me some of that roasted pig there.  
Diavol●, is there no more must? no more sweet wine? Germinavit radix jesse, je renie m●e, seven ' enrage de soif; I renounce my life, I rage for thirst, this wine is none of the worst; what wine drink you at Paris? I give myself to the devil, if I did not once keep open house at Paris for all comers six months together; Do you know Friar Claud of the high kildrekins: Oh the good fellow that he is, but I do not know what fly hath stung him of late, he is become so hard a student; for my part, I study not at all. In our Abbey we never study for fear of the mumps, (which disease in horses is called the mourning in the chine;) Our late Abbot was wont to say, that it is a monstrous thing to see a learned Monk by G—. Master, my friend, Magìs magnos clericos non sunt, magìs magnos sapientes. You never saw so many hares as there are this year. I could not any where come by a gosse-hawk, nor tassel of falcon: my Lord Beloniere promised me a Lanner, but he wrote to me not long ago, that he was become pursy. The Partridges will so multiply henceforth, that they will go near to eat up our ears: I take no delight in the stalking-horse; for I catch such cold, that I am like to founder myself at that sport; if I do not run, toil, travel and troth about, I am not well at ease. True it is, that in leaping over hedges and bushes my frock leaves always some of its wool behind it. I have recovered a dainty greyhound; I give him to the devil if he suffer a hare to escape him. A groom was leading him to my Lord Hunt-little, and I robbed him of him; did I ill? No, Friar John, (said Gymnast,) no by all the devils that are, no: So (said the Monk) do I attest these same devils so long as they last, or rather virtue G—, what could that gouty Limpard have done with so fine a dog? by the body of G— he is better pleased, when one presents him with a good yoke of oxen. How now? (said Ponocrates) you swear, Friar John; It is only (said the Monk) but to grace and adorn my speech; they are colours of a Ciceronian Rhetoric.   

CHAP. XL.  
Why Monks are the outcasts of the world? and wherefore some have bigger noses than others?  
BY the faith of a Christian (said Eudemon) I do wonderfully dote, and enter in a great ecstasy, when I consider the honesty and good fellowship of this Monk; for he makes us here all merry. How is it then that they exclude the Monks from all good companies? calling them feast-troublers, marrers of mirth, and disturbers of all civil conversation, as the bees drive away the drones from their hives; Ignavum fucos pecus (said Maro) à praesepibus arcent. Hereunto answered Gargantua, There is nothing so true, as that the frock and cowl draw unto itself the opprobries, injuries and maledictions of the world, just as the wind called Cecias attracts the clouds: the peremptory reason is, because they eat the ordure and excrements of the world, that is to say, the sins of the people, and like dungchewers and excrementitious eaters, they are cast into the privies and secessive places; that is, the Covents and Abbeys separated from Political conversation, as the jakes and retreats of a house are: but if you conceive how an Ape in a family is always mocked, and provokingly incensed, you shall easily apprehend how Monks are shunned of all men, both young and old. The Ape keeps not the house as a dog doth: He draws not in the plough as the ox: He yields neither milk nor wool as the sheep: He carrieth no burden as a horse doth; that which he doth, is only to conskite, spoil and defile all, which is the cause wherefore he hath of all men mocks, frumperies and bastonadoes.  
After the same manner a Monk (I mean those lither, idle, lazy Monks) doth not labour and work, as do the Peasant and Artificer: doth not ward and defend the country, as doth the man of war: cureth not the sick and diseased, as the Physician doth: doth neither preach nor teach, as do the Evangelical Doctors and Schoolmasters: doth not import commodities and things necessary for the Commonwealth, as the Merchant doth: therefore is it, that by and of all men they are hooted at, hated and abhorred. Yea, but (said Grangousier,) they pray to God for us. Nothing less, (answered Gargentua.) True it is, that with a tingle tangle jangling of bells they trouble and disquiet all their neighbours about them: Right, (said the Monk,) a mass, a matine, a vespre well rung are half said. They mumble out great store of Legends and Psalms, by them not at all understood: they say many patenotres, interlarded with ave-maries, without thinking upon, or apprehending the meaning of what it is they say, which truly I call mocking of God, and not prayers. But so help them God, as they pray for us, and not for being afraid to lose their victuals, their manchots, and good fat pottage. All true Christians, of all estates and conditions, in all places and at all times send up their prayers to God, and the Mediator prayeth and intercedeth for them, and God is gracious to them. Now such a one is our good Friar John, therefore every man desireth to have him in his company, he is no bigot or hypocrite, he is not torn and divided betwixt reality and appearance, no wretch of a rugged and peevish disposition, but honest, jovial, resolute and a good fellow: he travels, he labours, he defends the oppressed, comforts the afflicted, helps the needy, and keeps the close of the Abbey: Nay (said the Monk) I do a great deal more than that; for whilst we are in dispatching our matines and anniverssaries in the choir; I make withal some crossebowe-strings, polish glasse-bottles and bolts; I twist lines and wove pursenets, wherein to catch coneys; I am never idle; but now hither come, some drink, some drink here, bring the fruit. These chestnuts are of the wood of Estrox, and with good new wine are able to make you a fine cracker and composer of bum-sonnets. You are not as yet (it seems) well moistened in this house with the sweet wine and must, by G— I drink to all men freely, and at all Fords like a Proctor or Promoters horse. Friar John, (said Gymnast) take away the snot that hangs at your nose. Ha, ha, (said the Monk,) am not I in danger of drowning, seeing I am in water even to the nose? No, no, quare? quia, though some water come out from thence, there never goes in any; for it is well antidoted with pot-proof-armour, and syrup of the Vine-leaf.  
O my friend, he that hath winter-boots made of such leather, may boldly fish for oysters, for they will never take water. What is the cause (said Gargantua) that Friar John hath such a fair nose? Because (said Grangousier) that God would have it so, who frameth us in such form, and for such end, as is most agreeable with his divine Will, even as a Potter fashioneth his vessels. Because (said Ponocrates) he came with the first to the fair of noses, and therefore made choice of the fairest and the greatest. Pish, (said the Monk) that is not the reason of it, but, according to the true Monastical Philosophy, it is because my Nurse had soft teats, by virtue whereof, whilst she gave me suck, my nose did sink in as in so much butter. The hard breasts of Nurses make children short-nosed. But hay gay, Ad formam nasi cognoscitur ad te levavi. I never eat any confections, Page, whilst I am at the bibbery; Item, bring me rather some toasts.   

CHAP. XLI.  
How the Monk made Gargantua sleep, and of his hours and breviaries.  
SUpper being ended, they consulted of the business in hand, and concluded that about midnight they should fall unawares upon the enemy, to know what manner of watch and ward they kept, and that in the mean while they should take a little rest, the better to refresh themselves. But Gargantua could not sleep by any means, on which side soever he turned himself. Whereupon the Monk said to him, I never sleep sound, but when I am at Sermon or Prayers; Let us therefore begin, you and I, the seven penitential Psalms, to try whether you shall not quickly fall asleep. The conceit pleased Gargantua very well, and beginning the first of these Psalms, assoon as they came to the words Beati quorum, they fell asleep both the one and the other. But the Monk for his being formerly accustomed to the hour of Claustral matines, failed not to awake a little before midnight, and being up himself awaked all the rest, in singing aloud, and with a full clear voice, the song, 
Awake, O Reinian; Ho, awake;  
Awake, O Reinian, Ho:  
Get up, you no more sleep must take,  
Get up; for we must go.   
When they were all roused and up, he said, My Masters, it is a usual saying, that we begin matines with coughing, and supper with drinking; let us now (in doing clean contrarily) begin our matines with drinking, and at night before supper we shall ●ugh as hard as we can. What? (said Gargantua) to drink so soon after sleep, this is not to live according to the diet and prescript rule of the Physicians, for you ought first to scour and cleanse your stomach of all its superfluities and excrements. O well physicked, (said the Monk) a hundred devils leap into my body, if there be not more old drunkards, then old Physicians: I have made this paction and covenant with my appetite, that it always lieth down, and goes to bed with myself, (for to that I every day give very good order,) then the next morning it also riseth with me, and gets up when I am awake. Mind you your charges, (Gentlemen) or tend your cures as much as you will; I will get me to my Drawer, (in terms of falconry, my tiring.) What drawer or tiring do you mean? (said Gargantua.) My breviary (said the Monk,) for just as the Falconers, before they feed their hawks, do make them draw at a hen's leg, to purge their brains of phlegm, and sharpen them to a good appetite: so by taking this merry little breviary, in the morning I scour all my lungs, and am presently ready to drink.  
After what manner (said Gargantua) do you say these fair hours and prayers of yours? 
Fessecamp and corruptly Fec●n.  After the manner of Whipfield, said the Monk, by three Psalms, and three Lessons, or nothing at all, he that will: I never tie myself to hours, prayers and sacraments: for they are made for the man, and not the man for them; therefore is it that I make my Prayers in fashion of stirrup-leathers; I shorten or lengthen them when I think good. Brevis oratio penetrat coelos, & longa potatio evacuat Scyphos: where is that written? by my faith (said Ponocrates,) I cannot tell (my Pillicock,) but thou art more worth than gold: Therein (said the Monk) I am like you: but, venite, apotemus. Then made they ready store of Carbonadoes, or rashers on the coals, and good fat soups, or brewis with sippets; and the Monk drank what he pleased. Some kept him company, and the rest did forbear, for their stomaches were not as yet opened. Afterwards every man began to arm and befit himself for the field; and they armed the Monk against his will; for he desired no other armour for back and breast, but his frock, nor any other weapon in his hand, but the staff of the Cross: yet at their pleasure was he completely armed cap-a-pe, and mounted upon one of the best horses in the Kingdom, with a good ●lashing sable by his side, together with Gargantua, Ponocrates, Gymnast, Eudemon, and five and twenty more of the most resolute and adventurous of Grangousiers house, all armed at proof with their lances in their hands, mounted like St. George, and every one of them having a harquebusier behind him.   

CHAP. XLII.  
How the Monk encouraged his fellow-champions, and how he hanged upon a tree.  
THus went out those valiant champions on their adventure, in full resolution, to know what enterprise they should undertake, and what to take heed of, and look well to, in the day of the great and horrible battle. And the Monk encouraged them, saying, My children, do not fear nor doubt, I will conduct you safely; God and Sanct Benedict be with us. If I had strength answerable to my courage, by 'Sdeath I would plume them for you like ducks. I fear nothing but the great ordnance; yet I know of a charm by way of Prayer, which the subsexton of our Abbey taught me, that will preserve a man from the violence of guns, and all manner of fire-weapons and engines, but it will do me no good, because I do not believe it. Nevertheless, I hope my staff of the cross shall this day play devilish pranks amongst them; by G— whoever of our Party shall offer to play the duck, and shrink when blows are a dealing, I give myself to the devil, if I do not make a Monk of him in my stead, and hamper him within my frock, which is a sovereign cure against cowardice. Did you never hear of my Lord Meurles his greyhound, which was not worth a straw in the fields; he put a frock about his neck, by the body of G— there was neither hare nor fox that could escape him, and which is more, he lined all the bitches in the country, though before that he was feeble-reined, and ex frigidis & maleficiatis. The Monk uttering these words in choler, as he passed under a walnut-tree, in his way towards the Causey, he broached the vizor of his helmet, on the stump of a great branch of the said tree: nevertheless, he set his spurs so fiercely to the horse, who was full of metal, and quick on the spur, that he bounded forwards, and the Monk going about to ungrapple his vizor, let go his hold of the bridle, and so hanged by his hand upon the bough, whilst his horse stole away from under him. By this means was the Monk left, hanging on the walnut-tree, and crying for help, murder, murder, swearing also that he was betrayed: Eudemon perceived him first, and call Gargantua, said, Sir, come and see Absalon hanging. Gargantua being come, considered the countenance of the Monk, and in what posture he hanged; wherefore he said to Eudemon, You were mistakenin comparing him to Absalon; for Absalon hung by his hair, but this shaveling Monk hangeth by the ears. Help me (said the Monk) in the devil's name, is this a time for you to prate? you seem to me to be like the decretalist Preachers, who say, that whosoever shall see his neighbour in the danger of death, aught upon pain of trisulk excommunication, rather choose to admonish him to make his Confession to a Priest, and put his conscience in the state of Peace, than otherwise to help and relieve him.  
And therefore when I shall see them fallen into a river, and ready to be drowned, I shall make them a fair long sermon de contemptu mundi, & fuga seculi; and when they are stark dead, shall then go to their aid and succour in fishing after them: Be quiet (said Gymnast,) and stir not my minion; I am now coming to unhang thee, and to set thee at freedom, for thou art a pretty little gentle Monachus; Monachus in claustro non valet ova duo; sed quando est extra bene valet triginta: I have seen above five hundred hanged, but I never saw any have a better countenance in his dangling and pendilatory swagging; truly if I had so good a one, I would willingly hang thus all my life-time; What? (said the Monk) have you almost done preaching: help me in the name of God, seeing you will not in the name of the other spirit, or by the habit which I wear you shall repent it, tempore & loco praelibatis.  
Then Gymnast alighted from his horse, and climbing up the walnut-tree, lifted up the Monk with one hand, by the gushets of his armour under the armpits, and with the other undid his vizor from the stump of the broken branch, which done, he let him fall to the ground and himself after; Assoon as the Monk was down, he put off all his armour, and threw away one piece after another about the field, & taking to him-again his staff of the Cross, remounted up to his horse, which Eudemon had caught in his running away. Then went they on merrily, riding along on the high way.   

CHAP. XLIII.  
How the Scouts and fore-party of Picrochole were met with by Gargantua, 
Tireavant.  and how the Monk slew Captain Drawforth, and then was taken prisoner by his enemies.  
PIcrochole at the relation of those who had escaped out of the broil and defeat, wherein Tripet was untriped, grew very angry that the devils should have so run upon his men, and held all that night a counsel of war, 
Hastueau. Touquedillon.  at which Rashcalf and Touchfaucet concluded his power to be such, that he was able to defeat all the devils of hell, if they should come to justle with his forces. This Picrochole did not fully believe, though he doubted not much of it: Therefore sent he under the command and conduct of the Count Drawforth, for discovering of the country, the number of sixteen hundred horsemen, all well-mounted upon light horses for skirmish, and throughly besprinkled with holy water; and every one for their field-mark or cognizance had the sign of a star in his scarf, to serve at all adventures, in case they should happen to encounter with devils; that by the virtue, as well of that Gregorian water, as of the stars which they wore, they might make them disappear and vanish.  
In this equipage, they made an excursion upon the country, till they came near to the Vauguyon, (which is the valley of Guyon) and to the spittle, but could never find any body to speak unto; whereupon they returned a little back, and took occasion to pass above the aforesaid hospital, to try what intelligence they could come by in those parts, in which resolution riding on, and by chance in a pastoral lodge, or shepherd's cottage near to Coudray, hitting upon the five Pilgrims, they carried them way-bound and manacled, as if they had been spies, for all the exclamations, adjurations and requests that they could make. Being come down from thence towards Sevill, they were heard by Gargantua, who said then unto those that were with him, Comrades and fellow soldiers, we have here met with an encounter, and they are ten times in number more than we: shall we charge them or no? What a devil (said the Monk) shall we do else? Do you esteem men by their number, rather than by their valour and prowess? With this he cried out, Charge, devils, charge; which when the enemies heard, they thought certainly that they had been very devils, and therefore even then began all of them to run away as hard as they could drive, Drawforth only excepted, who immediately settled his lance on its rest, and therewith hit the Monk with all his force on the very middle of his breast, but coming against his horrifick frock, the point of the iron, being with the blow either broke off or blunted, it was in matter of execution, as if you had struck against an Anvil with a little wax-candle.  
Then did the Monk with his staff of the Cross, give him such a sturdy thump and whirret betwixt his neck and shoulders, upon the Acromion bone, that he made him lose both sense and motion, and fall down stone dead at his horses feet; and seeing the sign of the star which he wore scarfwayes, he said unto Gargantua, these men are but Priests, which is but the beginning of a Monk; by St. John I am a perfect Monk, I will kill them to you like flies: Then ran he after them at a swift and full gallop, till he overtook the rear, and felled them down like tree-leaves, striking athwart and alongst and every way. Gymnast presently asked Gargantua if they should pursue them? To whom Gargantua answered, by no means; for, according to right military discipline, you must never drive your enemy unto despair, for that such a straight doth multiply his force, and increase his courage, which was before broken and cast down; neither is there any better help, or outgate of relief for men that are amazed, out of heart, toiled and spent, then to hope for no favour at all. How many victories have been taken out of the hands of the Victors by the vanquished, when they would not rest satisfied with reason, but attempt to put all to the sword, and totally to destroy their enemies, without leaving so much as one to carry home news of the defeat of his fellows? Open therefore unto your enemies all the gates and ways, and make to them a bridge of silver rather than fail, that you may be rid of them. Yea, but (said Gymnast) they have the Monk: Have they the Monk? (said Gargantua) Upon mine honour than it will prove to their cost: but to prevent all dangers, let us not yet retreat, but halt here quietly, as in an ambush; for I think I do already understand the policy and judgement of our enemies, they are truly more directed by chance and mere fortune, then by good advice and counsel. In the mean while, whilst these made a stop under the walnut-trees, the Monk pursued on the chase, charging all he overtook, and giving quarter to none, until he met with a trouper, who carried behind him one of the poor Pilgrims, and there would have rifled him. The Pilgrim, in hope of relief at the sight of the Monk, cried out, Ha, my Lord Prior, my good friend, my Lord Prior, save me, I beseech you, save me; which words being heard by those that road in the van, they instantly faced about, and seeing there was no body but the Monk that made this great havoc & slaughter among them, they loaded him with blows as thick as they use to do an Ass with wood: but of all this he felt nothing, especially when they struck upon his frock, his skin was so hard. Then they committed him to two of the Marshal's men to keep, and looking about, saw no body coming against them, whereupon they thought that Gergantua and his Party were fled: then was it that they road as hard as they could towards the walnut-trees to meet with them, and left the Monk there all alone, with his two foresaid men to guard him. Gargantua heard the noise and neighing of the horses, and said to his men, Comrades, I hear the tract and beating of the enemy's horse-feets, and withal perceive that some of them come in a troop and full body against us; let us rally and close here, then set forward in order, and by this means we shall be able to receive their charge, to their loss and our honour.   

CHAP. XLIV.  
How the Monk rid himself of his Keepers, and how Picrocholes forlorn hope was defeated.  
THe Monk seeing them break off thus without order, conjectured that they were to set upon Gargantua and those that were with him, and was wonderfully grieved that he could not succour them; then considered he the countenance of the two keepers in whose custody he was, who would have willingly run after the troops to get some booty and plunder, and were always looking towards the valley unto which they were going; farther, he syllogized, saying, These men are but badly skilled in matters of war, for they have not required my paroll, neither have they taken my sword from me; suddenly hereafter he drew his brackmard or horsemans' sword, wherewith he gave the keeper which held him, on the right side such a sound slash, that he cut clean through the jugularie veins, and the sphagitid or transparent arteries of the neck, with the forepart of the throat called the gargareon, even unto the two Adenes, which are throat-kernels; and redoubling the blow, he opened the spinal marrow betwixt the second and third vertebrae; there fell down that keeper stark dead to the ground. Then the Monk reining, his horse to the left ran upon the other, who seeing his fellow dead, and the Monk to have the advantage of him, cried with a loud voice, Ha, my Lord Prior, quarter, I yield, my Lord Prior, quarter, quarter, my good friend, my Lord Prior: and the Monk cried likewise, My Lord Posterior, my friend, my Lord Posterior, you shall have it upon your posteriorums: Ha, said the keeper, my Lord Prior, my Minion, my Gentile, Lord Prior, I pray God make you an Abbot; By the habit (said the Monk) which I wear, I will here make you a Cardinal; what do you use to pay ransoms to religious men? you shall therefore have by and by a red hat of my giving: and the fellow cried, Ha, my Lord Prior, my Lord Prior, my Lord Abbot that shall be, my Lord Cardinal, my Lord all, ha, ha, hes, no my Lord Prior, my good little Lord the Prior, I yield, render and deliver myself up to you: and I deliver thee (said the Monk) to all the Devils in hell; then at one stroke he struck off his head, cutting his scalp upon the temple-bones, and lifting up in the upper part of the skull the two triangularie bones called sincipital, or the two bones bregmatis, together with the sagittal commissure or dart-like seam which distinguisheth the right side of the head from the left, as also a great part of the coronal or forehead-bone, by which terrible blow likewise he cut the two meanings or films which inwrap the brain, and made a deep wound in the brains two posterior ventricles, and the cranium or skull abode hanging upon his shoulders, by the skin of the pericranium behind, in form of a Doctor's bonnet, black without and red within. Thus fell he down also to the ground stark dead.  
And presently the Monk gave his horse the spur, and kept the way that the enemy held, who had met with Gargantua and his companions in the broad highway, and were so diminished of their number, for the enormous slaughter that Gargantua had made with his great tree amongst them, as also Gymnast, Ponocrates, Eudemon, and the rest, that they began to retreat disorderly and in great haste, as men altogether affrighted and troubled in both sense and understanding; and as if they had seen the very proper species and form of death before their eyes; or rather as when you see an Ass with a brizzes or gad-bee under his tail, or fly that stings him, run hither and thither without keeping any path or way, throwing down his load to the ground, breaking his bridle and reins, and taking no breath nor rest, and no man can tell what ails him, for they see not any thing touch him: so fled these people destitute of wit, without knowing any cause of flying, only pursued by a panic terror, which in their minds they had conceived. The Monk perceiving that their whole intent was to betake themselves to their heels, alighted from his horse, and got upon a big large rock, which was in the way, and with his great Brackmard sword laid such load upon those runaways, and with main strength fetching a compass with his arm without feigning or sparing, flew and overthrew so many, that his sword broke in two pieces, than thought he within himself that he had slain and killed sufficiently, and that the rest should escape to carry news; therefore he took up a battle-axe of those that lay there dead, and got upon the rock again, passing his time to see the enemy thus flying, and to tumble himself amongst the dead bodies, only that he suffered none to carry Pike, Sword, Lance nor Gun with him, and those who carried the Pilgrims bound, he made to alight, and gave their horses unto the said Pilgrims, keeping them there with him under the hedge, and also Touchefaucet, who was then his prisoner.   

CHAP. XLV.  
How the Monk carried along with him the Pilgrims, and of the good words that Grangousier gave them.  
THis skirmish being ended, Gargantua retreated with his men, excepting the Monk, and about the dawning of the day they came unto Grangousier, who in his bed was praying unto God for their safety and victory: and seeing them all safe and sound, he embraced them lovingly, and asked what was become of the Monk? Gargantua answered him, that without doubt the enemies had the Monk? then have they mischief and ill luck (said Grangousier) which was very true; thererefore is it a common proverb to this day, to give a man the Monk (or as in French, luy bailler le money) when they would express the doing unto one a mischief; then commanded he a good breakfast to be provided for their refreshment: when all was ready, they called Gargantua, but he was so aggrieved that the Monk was not to be heard of, that he would neither eat nor drink: in the mean while the Monk comes, and from the gate of the outer Court cries out aloud, Fresh wine, fresh wine Gymnast my friend. Gymnast went out and saw that it was Friar John, who brought along with him five Pilgrims and Touchfaucet prisoners; whereupon Gargantua likewise went forth to meet him, and all of them made him the best welcome that possibly they could, and brought him before Grangousier, who asked him of all his adventures: the Monk told him all, both how he was taken, how he rid himself of his keepers, of the slaughter he had made by the way, and how he had rescued the Pilgrims, and brought along with him Captain Touchfaucet. Then did they altogether fall to banqueting most merrily; in the mean time Grangousier asked the Pilgrims what countrymen they were, whence they came, and whither they went? Sweertogo in the name of the rest answered, My Sovereign Lord, I am of Saint Genou in Berrie, this man is of Patvau, this other is of Onzay, this of Argy, and this man of Villebrenin; we came from Saint Sebastian near Nantes, and are now returning, as we best may, by easy journeys; Yea, but said Grangousier, what went you to do at Saint Sebastian? We went (said Sweertogo) to offer up unto that Sanct our vows against the Plague. Ah poor men (said Grangousier) do you think that the Plague comes from Saint Sebastian? Yes truly, (answered Sweertogo) our Preachers tell us so indeed. But is it so? (said Grangousier) do the false Prophets teach you such abuses? do they thus blaspheme the Sancts and holy men of God, as to make them like unto the Devils, who do nothing but hurt unto mankind, as Homer writeth, that the Plague was sent into the camp of the Greeks by Apollo, and as the Poets feign a great rabble of Vejoves and mischievous gods. So did a certain Cafard or dissembling religionarie preach at Sinai, that Saint Antony sent the fire into men's legs, that Saint Eutropius made men hydropic; Saint Clidas, fools; and that Saint Genou made them goutish: but I punished him so exemplarily, though he called me Heretic for it, that since that time no such hypocritical rogue durst set his foot within my territories; and truly I wonder that your King should suffer them in their sermons to publish such scandalous doctrine in his dominions; for they deserve to be chastised with greater severity than those who by magical art, or any other device have brought the pestilence into a country; the pest killeth but the bodies, but such abominable Impostors empoison our very souls. As he spoke these words, in came the Monk very resolute, and asked them, whence are you, you poor wretches? of Saint Genou (said they;) And how (said the Monk) doth the Abbot Gulligut the good drinker, and the Monks, what cheer make they? by G— body they'll have a fling at your wives, and breast them to some purpose whilst you are upon your roaming rant and gadding Pilgrimage: Hin, hen (said sweertogo) I am not afraid of mine; for he that shall see her by day, will never break his neck to come to her in the nighttime: Yea marry (said the Monk) now you have hit it, let her be as ugly as ever was Proserpina, she will once by the Lord G— be over-turned, and get her skin-coat shaken, if there dwell any Monks near to her, for a good Carpenter will make use of any kind of timber: let me be peppered with the pox, if you find not all your wives with child at your return; for the very shadow of the steeple of an Abbey is fruitful: It is (said Gargantua) like the water of Nilus in Egypt, if you believe Strabo and Pliny, lib. 7. cap. 3. What virtue will there be then (said the Monk) in their bullets of concupiscence, their habits and their bodies?  
Then (said Grangousier,) Go your ways, poor men in the name of God the Creator, to whom I pray to guide you perpetually, and henceforward be not so ready to undertake these idle and unprofitable journeys; Look to your families, labour every man in his vocation, instruct your children, and live as the good Apostle St. Paul directeth you: in doing whereof, God, his Angels and Sancts will guard and protect you, and no evil or plague at any time shall befall you. Then Gargantua led them into the hall to take their refection: but the Pilgrims did nothing but sigh, and said to Gargantua, O how happy is that land which hath such a man for their Lord! we have been more edified and instructed by the talk which he hath had with us, then by all the Sermons that ever were preached in our town. This is (said Gargantua) that which Plato saith, lib. 5. de republs. That those Commonwealths are happy, whose Rulers philosophate, and whose Philosophers rule. Then caused he their wallets to be filled with victuals, and their bottles with wine, and gave unto each of them a horse to ease them upon the way, together with some pence to live by.   

CHAP. XLVI.  
How Grangousier did very kindly entertain Touchefaucet his prisoner.  
TOuchefaucet was presented unto Grangousier, and by him examined upon the enterprise and attempt of Picrochole, what it was he could pretend to, or aim at, by the rustling stir, and tumultuary coil of this his sudden invasion: whereunto he answered, that his end and purpose was to conquer all the country, if he could, for the injury done to his cake-bakers: It is too great an undertaking (said Grangousier;) and (as the Proverb is) He that gripes too much, holds fast but little: the time is not now as formerly, to conquer the Kingdoms of our neighbour Princes, and to build up our own greatness upon the loss of our nearest Christian brother: this imitation of the ancient Herculese, Alexander's, Hannibals, Scipios, Caesars, and other such heroes is quite contrary to the Profession of the Gospel of Christ, by the which we are commanded to preserve, keep, rule and govern every man his own country and lands, and not in a hostile manner to invade others, and that which heretofore the Barbers and Saracens called prowess and valour, we do now call robbing, the every and wickedness; It would have been more commendable in him to have contained himself within the bounds of his own territories, royally governing them, then to insult and domineer in mine, pillaging and plundering every where like a most unmerciful enemy; for by ruling his own with discretion, he might have increased his greatness, but by robbing me he cannot escape destruction; Go your ways in the name of God, prosecute good enterprises, show your King what is amiss, and never counsel him with regard unto your own particular profit, for the public loss will swallow up the private benefit. As for your ransom, I do freely remit it to you, and will that your arms and horse be restored to you: so should good neighbours do, and ancient friends; seeing this our difference is not properly war, as Plato, lib. 5. de repub. would not have it called war but sedition, when the Greeks took up arms against one another, and that therefore when such combustions should arise amongst them, his advice was to behave themselves in the managing of them, with all discretion and modesty. Although you call it war, it is but superficial, it entereth not into the closet and inmost cabinet of our hearts; for neither of us hath been wronged in his honour, nor is there any question betwixt us in the main, but only how to redress by the by some petty faults committed by our men; I mean, both yours and ours, which although you knew you ought to let pass; for these quarrelsome persons deserve rather to be contemned then mentioned, especially seeing I offered them satisfaction according to the wrong. God shall be the just Judge of our variances, whom I beseech by death rather to take me out of this life, and to permit my goods to perish and be destroyed before mine eyes, then that by me or mine he should in any sort be wronged. These words uttered, he called the Monk, and before them all spoke thus unto him: Friar John, my good friend, is it you that took prisoner the Captain Touchfaucet here present? Sir (said the Monk) seeing himself is here, and that he is of the years of discretion, I had rather you should know it by his confession then by any words of mine. Then said Touchfaucet, My sovereign Lord, it is he indeed that took me, and I do therefore most freely yield myself his prisoner. Have you put him to any ransom, said Grangousier to the Monk? No, (said the Monk,) of that I take no care: How much would you have for having taken him? nothing, nothing, (said the Monk,) I am not swayed by that, nor do I regard it; Then Grangousier commanded, that in presence of Touchefaucet, should be delivered to the Monk for taking him, the sum of threescore and two thousand faults (in English money fifteen thousand and five hundred pounds) which was done, whilst they made a collation or little banquet to the said Touchfaucet, of whom Grangousier asked, if he would stay with him, or if he loved rather to return to his King? Touchfaucet answered, that he was content to take whatever course he would advise him to; Then (said Grangousier) return unto your King, and God be with you.  
Then he gave him an excellent sword of Avienue blade, with a golden scabbard wrought with Vine-branch-like flourishes, of fair Goldsmith's work, and a collar or neck-chain of gold, weighing seven hundred and two thousand marks (at eight ounces each,) garnished with precious stones of the finest sort, esteemed at a hundred and sixty thousand ducats, and ten thousand crowns more, as an honourable donative, by way of present.  
After this talk, Touchefaucet got to his horse, and Gargantua for his safety allowed him the guard of thirty men at arms, and six score archers to attend him under the conduct of Gymnast, to bring him even unto the gate of the rock Clermond, if there were need. Assoon as he was gone, the Monk restored unto Grangousier the threescore and two thousand salutes, which he had received, saying, Sir it is not as yet the time for you to give such gifts, stay till this war be at an end, for none can tell what accidents may occur, and war begun without good provision of money beforehand for going through with it, is but as a breathing of strength, and blast that will quickly pass away; coin is the sinews of war. Well then (said Grangousier) at the end I will content you by some honest recompense, as also all those who shall do me good service.   

CHAP. XLVII.  
How Grangousier sent for his legions, and how Touchefaucet slew Rashcalf, and was afterwards executed by the command of Picrochole.  
ABout this same time those of Bess, of the old Market, of St. james bourg, of the draggage of Parille, of the Rivers, of the rocks St. Pol, of the Vaubreton, of Pautille, of the Brahemont, of Clainbridge, of Cravant, of Grammont, of the town at the Badgerholes, of Huymes, of Serge, of hus, of St. Lovant, of Panzoust, of the Coldraux, of Vernon, of Coulaines, of Chose, of Varenes, of Bourgueil, of the Bouchard Claud, of the Croulay, of Narsie, of Cand, of Monsoreau and other bordering places, sent Ambassadors unto Grangousier, to tell him that they were advised of the great wrongs which Picrochole had done him, and in regard of their ancient confederacy, offered him what assistance they could afford, both in men, money, victuals and ammunition, and other necessaries for war; The money, which by the joint agreement of them all was sent unto him, amounted to sixscore and fourteen millions, two crowns and a half of pure gold. The forces wherewith they did assist him, did consist in fifteen thousand cuirasiers, two and thirty thousand light horsemen, fourscore and nine thousand dragoons, and a hundred and forty thousand volunteer adventurers. These had with them eleven thousand and two hundred cannons, double cannons, long pieces of Artillery called Basilisks, and smaller sized ones, known by the name of spirols, besides the mortarpieces and granadoes. Of pioners they had seven and forty thousand, all victualled and paid for six months and four days of advance: which offer Gargantua did not altogether refuse, nor wholly accept of: but giving them hearty thanks, said that he would compose and order the war by such a device, that there should not be found great need to put so many honest men to trouble in the managing of it; And therefore was content at that time to give order only for bringing along the legions, which he maintained in his ordinary Garison-townes of the Deviniere, of Chavignie, of Granot, and of Quinquenais, amounting to the number of two thousand cuirasiers, threescore and six thousand foot-soldiers, six and twenty thousand dragoons, attended by two hundred pieces of great ordnance, two and twenty thousand Pioners, and six thousand light horsemen, all drawn up in troops, so well befitted and accommodated with their commissaries, sutlers, ferviers, harnasse-makers, and other such like necessary members in a military camp; so fully instructed in the Art of warfare, so perfectly knowing and following their colours, so ready to hear and obey their Captains, so nimble to run, so strong at their charging, so prudent in their adventures, and every day so well disciplined, that they seemed rather to be a consort of organ-pipes, or mutual concord of the wheels of a clock, than an infantry and cavalry, or army of soldiers.  
Touchefaucet immediately after his return, presented himself before Picrochole, and related unto him at large all that he had done and seen, and at last endeavoured to persuade him with strong and forcible arguments, to capitulate and make an agreement with Grangousier, whom he found to be the honestest man in the world, saying further, that it was neither right nor reason thus to trouble his neighbours, of whom they had never received any thing but good: and in regard of the main point, that they should never be able to go through stitch with that war, but to their great damage and mischief: for the forces of Picrochole were not so considerable, but that Grangousier could easily overthrow them.  
He had not well done speaking, when Rashcalf said out aloud, Unhappy is that Prince, which is by such men served, who are so easily corrupted, as I know Touchefaucet is; for I see his courage so changed, that he had willingly joined with our enemies to fight against us and betray us, if they would have received him; but as virtue is of all, both friends and foes, praised and esteemed, so is wickedness soon known and suspected, and although it happen the enemies to make use thereof for their profit, yet have they always the wicked, and the traitors in abomination.  
Touchefaucet being at these words very impatient, drew out his sword, and therewith ran Rashcalf through the body, a little under the nipple of his left side, whereof he died presently, and pulling back his sword out of his body, said boldly, So let him perish, that shall a faithful servant blame. Picrochole incontinently grew furious, and seeing Touchefaucets new sword and his scabbard so richly diapered with flourishes of most excellent workmanship, said, Did they give thee this weapon, so feloniously therewith to kill before my face my so good friend Rashcalf? then immediately commanded he his guard to hew him in pieces, which was instantly done, and that so cruelly, that the chamber was all died with blood: Afterwards he appointed the corpse of Rashcalf to be honourably buried, and that of Touchefaucet, to be cast over the walls into the ditches.  
The news of these excessive violences were quickly spread through all the Army; whereupon many began to murmur against Picrochole, insofarre that Pinchpennie said to him, My sovereign Lord, I know not what the issue of this enterprise will be; I see your men much dejected, and not well resolved in their minds, by considering that we are here very ill provided of victual, and that our number is already much diminished by three or four sallies. Furthermore, great supplies and recruits come daily in to your enemies: but so moulder away, that if we be once besieged, I do not see how we can escape a total destruction; Tush, pish, (said Picrochole) you are like the Melun eels, you cry before they come to you; Let them come, let them come, if they dare.   

CHAP. XLVIII.  
How Gargantua set upon Picrochole, within the rock Clermond, and utterly defeated the Army of the said Picrochole.  
GArgantua had the charge of the whole Army, and his father Grangousier stayed in his Castle, who encouraging them with good words, promised great rewards unto those that should do any notable service. Having thus set forward, assoon as they had gained the Pass at the Ford of Vede, with boats and bridges speedily made, they passed over in a trice, then considering the situation of the town, which was on a high and advantageous place, Gargantua thought fit to call his counsel, and pass that night in deliberation upon what was to be done: But Gymnast said unto him, My sovereign Lord, such is the nature and complexion of the frenches, that they are worth nothing, but at the first push, then are they more fierce than devils; but if they linger a little, and be wearied with delays, they'll prove more faint and remiss than women: my opinion is therefore, that now presently after your men have taken breath, and some small refection, you give order for a resolute assault, and that we storm them instantly. His advice was found very good, and for effectuating thereof, he brought forth his army into the plain field, and placed the reserves on the skirt or rising of a little hill. The Monk took along with him six companies of foot, and two hundred horsemen well armed, and with great diligence crossed the marish, and valiantly got up on the top of the green hillock, even unto the highway which leads to Loudin. Whilst the assault was thus begun, Picrocholes men could not tell well what was best, to issue out and receive the Assailants, or keep within the town and not to stir: Himself in the mean time, without deliberation, sallied forth in a rage with the cavalry of his guard, who were forthwith received, and royally entertained with great cannon-shot, that fell upon them like hail from the high grounds, on which the Artillery was planted; whereupon the Gargantuists betook themselves unto the valleys, to give the ordnance leave to play, and range with the larger scope.  
Those of the town defended themselves as well as they could, but their shot passed over us, without doing us any hurt at all; Some of Picrocholes men that had escaped our Artillery, set most fiercely upon our soldiers, but prevailed little; for they were all let in betwixt the files, and there knocked down to the ground, which their fellow-soldiers seeing, they would have retreated, but the Monk having seized upon the Pass, by the which they were to return, they run away and fled in all the disorder and confusion that could be imagined.  
Some would have pursued after them, and followed the chase, but the Monk withheld them, apprehending that in their pursuit the Pursuers might lose their ranks, and so give occasion to the besieged to sally out of the town upon them. Then staying there some space, and none coming against him, he sent the Duke Phrontist, to advise Gargantua to advance towards the hill up on the left hand, to hinder Picrocholes retreat at that gate, which Gargantua did with all expedition, and sent thither four brigades under the conduct of Sebast, which had no sooner reached the top of the hill, but they met Picrochole in the teeth, and those that were with him scattered.  
Then charged they upon them stoutly, yet were they much endamaged by those that were upon the walls, who galled them with all manner of shot, both from the great ordnance, small guns and bows. Which Gargantua perceiving, he went with a strong Party to their relief, and with his Artillery began to thunder so terribly upon that canton of the wall, and so long, that all the strength within the town, to maintain and fill up the breach, was drawn thither. The Monk seeing that quarter which he kept besieged, void of men and competent guards, and in a manner altogether naked and abandoned, did most magnanimously on a sudden lead up his men towards the Fort, and never left it till he had got up upon it, knowing that such as come to the reserve in a conflict, bring with them always more fear and terror, than those that deal about them with their hands in the fight.  
Nevertheless he gave no alarm till all his soldiers had got within the wall, except the two hundred horsemen, who he left without to secure his entry. Then did he give a most horrible shout, so did all these who were with him, a●d immediately thereafter without resistance, putting to the edge of the sword the guard that was at that gate, they opened it to the horsemen, with whom most furiously they altogether ran towards the East-gate, where all the hurlie burlie was, and coming close upon them in the rear, overthrew all their forces. The besieged seeing that the Gargantuists had won the town upon them, and that they were like to be secure in no corner of it, submitted themselves unto the mercy of the Monk, and asked for quarter, which the Monk very nobly granted to them yet made them lay down their arms; then shutting them up within Churches, gave order to seize upon all the staves of the Crosses, and placed men at the doors to keep them from coming forth; then opening that East-gate, he issued out to succour and assist Gargantua: but Picrochole, thinking it had been some relief coming to him from the town, adventured more forwardly than before, and was upon the giving of a most desperate home-charge, when Gargantua cried out, Ha, Friar John, my friend, Friar John, you are come in a good hour; which unexpected accident so affrighted Picrochole and his men, that giving all for lost, they betook themselves to their heels, and fled on all hands. Gargantua chased them till they came near to Vaugaudry, killing and slaying all the way, and then sounded the retreat.   

CHAP. XLIX.  
How Picrochole in his flight fell into great misfortunes, and what Gargantua did after the battle.  
PIcrochole thus in despair, fled towards the Bouchard island, and in the way to Rivere his horse stumbled and fell down, whereat he on a sudden was so incensed, that he with his sword without more ado killed him in his choler; than not finding any that would remount him, he was about to have taken an Ass at the Mill that was thereby: but the Miller's men did so baste his bones, and so sound bethwack him, that they made him both black and blue with strokes; then stripping him of all his clothes, gave him ascurvie old canvas jacket wherewith to cover his nakedness. Thus went along this poor choleric wretch, who passing the water at Porthuaux, and relating his misadventurous disasters, was foretold by an old Lourpidon hag, that his Kingdom should be restored to him at the coming of the Cocklicranes, which she called Coquecigrues. What is become of him since we cannot certainly tell, yet was I told that he is now a porter at Lions, as testy and pettish in humour as ever he was before, and would be always with great lamentation enquiring at all strangers of the coming of the Cocklicranes, expecting assuredly, (according to the old woman's prophecy, that at their coming he shall be reestablished in his Kingdom. The first thing Gargantua did after his return into the town, was to call the Musterroll of his men, which when he had done, he found that there were very few either killed or wounded, only some few foot of Captain Tolmeres company, and Ponocrates who was shot with a musket-ball through the doublet. Then he caused them all at and in their several posts and divisions to take a little refreshment, which was very plenteously provided for them in the best drink and victuals that could be had for money, and gave order to the Treasurers and Commissaries of the Army, to pay for and defray that repast, and that there should be no outrage at all, nor abuse committed in the town, seeing it was his own. And furthermore commanded, that immediately after the soldiers had done with eating and drinking for that time sufficiently, and to their own hearts desire, a gathering should be beaten for bringing them altogether, to be drawn up on the Piazza before the Castle, there to receive six months pay completely, all which was done. After this by his direction, were brought before him in the said place, all those that remained of Picrocholes Party; unto whom in the presence of the Princes, Nobles and Officers of his Court and Army, he spoke as followeth.   

CHAP. L.  
Gargantua's speech to the vanquished.  
Our forefathers and Ancestors of all times, have been of this nature and disposition, that upon the winning of a battle, they have chosen rather for a sign and memorial of their triumphs and victories, to erect trophies and monuments in the hearts of the vanquished by clemency, then by architecture in the lands which they had conquered; for they did hold in greater estimation, the lively remembrance of men purchased by liberality, than the dumb inscription of arches, pillars and pyramids, subject to the injury of storms and tempests, and to the envy of every one. You may very well remember of the courtesy, which by them was used towards the Bretons, in the battle of St. Aubin of Cormier, and at the demolishing of Partenay. You have heard, and hearing admire their gentle comportment towards those at the barreers of Spaniola, who had plundered, wasted and ransacked the maritime borders of Olone and Talmondois. All this hemisphere of the world was filled with the praises and congratulations, which yourselves and your fathers made, when Alpharbal King of Canarre, not satisfied with his own fortunes, did most furiously invade the land of Onyx, and with cruel Piracies molest all the Armoric islands, and confine regions of Brittany; yet was he in a set naval fight justly taken and vanquished by my father, whom God preserve and protect. But what? whereas other Kings and Emperors, yea those who entitle themselves Catholics, would have dealt roughly with him, kept him a close prisoner, and put him to an extreme high ransom: he entreated him very courteously, lodged him kindly with himself in his own Palace, and out of his incredible mildness and gentle disposition sent him back with a safe conduct, loaden with gifts, loaden with favours, loaden with all offices of friendship: what fell out upon it? Being returned into his country, he called a Parliament, where all the Princes and States of his Kingdom being assembled, he showed them the humanity which he had found in us, and therefore wished them to take such course by way of compensation therein, as that the whole world might be edified by the example, as well of their honest graciousness to us, as of our gracious honesty towards them. The result hereof was, that it was voted and decreed by an unanimous consent, that they should offer up entirely their Lands, Dominions and Kingdoms, to be disposed of by us according to our pleasure.  
Alpharbal in his own person, presently returned with nine thousand and thirty eight great ships of burden, bringing with him the treasures, not only of his house and royal lineage, but almost of all the country besides; for he embarking himself, to set sail with a West-North-East wind, every one in heaps did cast into the ship gold, silver, ring's, jewels, spices, drugs, and aromatical parfumes, parrots, pelicans, monkeys, civet-cats, black-spotted weesils, porcupines, etc. He was accounted no good Mother's son, that did not cast in all the rare and precious things he had.  
Being safely arrived, he came to my said father, and would have kissed his feet: that action was found too submissively low, and therefore was not permitted, but in exchange he was most cordially embraced: he offfered his presents, they were not received, because they were too excessive: he yielded himself voluntarily a servant and vassal, and was content his whole posterity should be liable to the same bondage; this was not accepred of, because it seemed not equitable: he surrendered by virtue of the decree of his great Parliamentary council, his whole Countries and Kingdoms to him, offering the Deed and Conveyance, signed, sealed and ratified by all those that were concerned in it; this was altogether refused, and the parchments cast into the fire. In end, this free good will, and simple meaning of the Canarriens, wrought such tenderness in my father's heart, that he could not abstain from shedding tears, and wept most profusely: then by choice words very congruously adapted, strove in what he could to diminish the estimation of the good offices which he had done them, saying, that any courtesy he had conferred upon them, was not worth a rush, and what favour soever he had showed them, he was bound to do it. But so much the more did Alpharbal augment the repute thereof. What was the issue? whereas for his ransom in the greatest extremity of rigour, and most tyrannical dealing, could not have been exacted above twenty times a hundred thousand crowns, and his eldest sons detained as hostages, till that sum had been paid, they made themselves perpetual tributaries, and obliged to give us every year two millions of gold at four and twenty carats fine: The first year we received the whole sum of two millions: the second year of their own accord they paid freely to us three and twenty hundred thousand crowns: the third year six and twenty hundred thousand; the fourth year three millions, and do so increase it always out of their own good will, that we shall be constrained to forbid them to bring us any more. This is the nature of gratitude and true thankfulness. For time which gnaws and diminisheth all things else, augments and increaseth benefits; because a noble action of liberality done to a man of reason, doth gnaw continually, by his generous thinking of it, and remembering it.  
Being unwilling therefore any way to degenerate from the hereditary mildness and clemency of my Parents; I do now forgive you, deliver you from all fines and imprisonments, fully release you, set you at liberty, and every way make you as frank and free as ever you were before. Moreover, at your going out of the gate, you shall have every one of you three month's pay to bring you home into your houses and families, and shall have a safe convoy of six hundred cuirasiers and eight thousand foot under the conduct of Alexander, Esquire of my body, that the Clubmen of the Country may not do you any injury. God be with you. I am sorry from my heart that Picrochole is not here; for I would have given him to understand, that this war was undertaken against my will, and without any hope to increase either my goods or renown: but seeing he is lost, and that no man can tell where nor how he went away, it is my will that his Kingdom remain entire to his son; who because he is too young, (he not being yet full five years old) shall be brought up and instructed by the ancient Princes, and learned men of the Kingdom. And because a Realm thus desolate, may easily come to ruin; if the covetousness and avarice of those, who by their places are obliged to administer justice in it, be not kerbed and restrained: I ordain and will have it so, that Ponocrates be overseer & superintendent above all his governor's, with whatever power and authority is requisite thereto, & that he be continually with the child, until he find him able & capable to rule and govern by himself.  
Now I must tell you, that you are to understand how a too feeble and dissolute facility in pardoning evil-doers, giveth them occasion to commit wickedness afterwards more readily, upon this pernicious confidence of receiving favour; I consider, that Moses, the meekest man that was in his time upon the earth, did severely punish the mutinous and seditious people of Israel: I consider likewise, that julius Caesar, who was so gracious an Emperor, that Cicero said of him, that his fortune had nothing more excellent than that he could; and his virtue nothing better, then that he would always save and pardon every man: He notwithstanding all this, did in certain places most rigorously punish the authors of rebellion; After the example of these good men, it is my will and pleasure, that you deliver over unto me before you depart hence, first, that fine fellow Marquet, who was the prime cause, orgin and groundwork of this war, by his vain presumption and overweening: secondly, his fellow-cakebakers, who were neglective in checking and reprehending his idle hare-brained humour in the instant time: and lastly, all the Councillors, Captains, Officers and Domestics of Picrochole, who had been incendiaries or fomenters of the war, by provoking, praising or counselling him to come out his limits thus to trouble us.   

CHAP. LI.  
How the victorious Gargantuists were recompensed after the battle.  
WHen Gargantua had finished his speech, the seditious men whom he required, were delivered up unto him, except Swashbuckler, Durtaille and Smaltrash, who ran away six hours before the battle, one of them as far as to Lainielneck at one course, another to the valley of Vire, and the third even unto Logroine, without looking back, or taking breath by the way; and two of the Cake-bakers who were slain in the fight, Gargantua did them no other hurt, but that he appointed them to pull at the Presses of his Printing-house, which he had newly set up: then those who died there he caused to be honourably buried in Black-soile-valley, and Burn-hag-field, and gave order that the wounded should be dressed and had care of in his great Hospital or Nosocome. After this, considering the great prejudice done to the town and its inhabitants, he reimbursed their charges, and repaired all the losses that by their confession upon oath could appear they had sustained: and for their better defence and security in times coming against all sudden uproars and invasions, commanded a strong citadel to be built there with a competent Garrison to maintain it; at his departure he did very graciously thank all the soldiers of the brigades that had been at this overthrow, and sent them back to their winter-quarters in their several stations and Garrisons; the Decumane Legion only excepted, whom in the field on that day he saw do some great exploit, and their Captains also, whom he brought along with himself unto Grangousier.  
At the sight and coming of them, the good man was so joyful, that it is not possible fully to describe it; he made them a feast the most magnificent, plentiful, and delicious that ever was seen since the time of the King Assuerus; at the taking up of the table he distributed amongst them his whole cupboard of plate, 
Each Besant is worth five pounds English money.  which weighed eight hundred thousand & fourteen Besants of gold, in great antic vessels, huge pots, large basins, big tasses, cups, goblets, candlesticks, comfit-boxes, and other such plate, all of pure massy gold besides the precious stones, enameling and workmanship, which by all men's estimation was more worth than the matter of the gold; then unto every one of them out of his coffers caused he to be given the sum of twelve hundred thousand crowns ready money: and further he gave to each of them for ever and in perpetuity (unless he should happen to decease without heirs) such Castles and neighbouring lands of his as were most commodious for them: to Ponocrates he gave the rock Clermond; to Gymnast, the Coudray; to Eudemon, Monpensier, Rinan, to Tolmere; to Ithibolle, Montsaurean; to Acamas, Cande; Varenes, to Chirovacte; Gravot to Sebast; Quinquenais to Alexander; Legre to Sophrone; and so of his other places.   

CHAP. LII.  
How Gargantua caused to be built for the Monk the Abbey of Theleme.  
THere was left only the Monk to provide for, whom Gargantua would have made Abbot of Sevill, but he refused it; he would have given him the Abbey of Bourgueil, or of Sanct Florent which was better, or both, if it pleased him; but the Monk gave him a very peremptory answer, that he would never take upon him the charge nor government of Monks; For how shall I be able (said he) to rule over others, that have not full power and command of myself: if you think I have done you, or may hereafter do any acceptable service, give me leave to found an Abbey after my own mind and fancy; the motion pleased Gargantua very well, who thereupon offered him all the Country of Tholem by the river of Loire, till within two leagues of the great forest of Port-huaut: the Monk then requested Gargantua to institute his religious order contrary to all others. First then (said Gargantua) you must not build a wall about your convent, for all other Abbeys are strongly walled and mured about: See (said the Monk) and not without cause (seeing wall and mure signify but one and the same thing;) where there is Mur before, and Mur behind, there is store of Murmur, envy, and mutual conspiracy. Moreover, seeing there are certain convents in the world, whereof the custom is, if any woman come in (I mean chaste and honest women) they immediately sweep the ground which they have trod upon; therefore was it ordained that if any man or woman entered into religious orders, should by chance come within this new Abbey, all the rooms should be throughly washed and cleansed through which they had passed; and because in all other Monasteries and Nunneries all is compassed, limited, and regulated by hours, it was decreed that in this new structure there should be neither Clock nor Dial, but that according to the opportunities, and incident occasions, all their hours should be disposed of; for (said Gargantua) The greatest loss of time that I know, is to count the hours, what good comes of it? nor can there be any greater dotage in the world, then for one to guide and direct his courses by the sound of a Bell, and not by his own judgement and discretion.  
Item, Because at that time they put no women into Nunneries, but such as were either purblind, blinkards, lame, crooked, ill-favoured, misshapen, fools, senseless, spoilt or corrupt; nor encloystered any men, but those that were either sickly, subject to defluxions, illbred lowts, simple sots, or peevish trouble-houses: but to the purpose; (said the Monk) A woman that is neither fair nor good, to what use serves she? To make a Nun of, said Gargantua: Yea said the Monk) and to make shirts and smocks; therefore was it ordained that into this religious order should be admitted no women that were not fair, well featured, and of a sweet disposition; nor men that were not comely, personable and well conditioned.  
Item, Because in the convents of women men come not but underhand, privily, and by stealth; it was therefore enacted that in this house there shall be no women in case there be not men, nor men in case there be not women.  
Item, Because both men and women that are received into religious orders after the expiring of their noviciat or probation-year, were constrained and forced perpetually to stay there all the days of their life; it was therefore ordered, that all whatever, men or women, admitted within this Abbey, should have full leave to depart with peace and contentment, whensoever it should seem good to them so to do.  
Item, for that the religious men and women did ordinarily make three Vows, to wit, those of chastity, poverty & obedience, it was therefore constituted and appointed, that in this Convent they might be honourably married, that they might be rich, and live at liberty. In regard of the legitimat time of the persons to be initiated, and years under and above, which they were not capable of reception, the women were to be admitted from ten till fifteen, and the men from twelve till eighteen.   

CHAP. LIII.  
How the Abbey of the Thelemites was built and endowed.  
FOr the fabric and furniture of the Abbey, Gargantua caused to be delivered out in ready money seven and twenty hundred thousand, eight hundred and one and thirty of those golden rams of Berrie, which have a sheep stamped on the one side, and a flowered cross on the other; and for every year, until the whole work were completed, he allotted threescore nine thousand crowns of the Sun, and as many of the seven stars, to be charged all upon the receipt of the custom. For the foundation and maintenance thereof for ever, he settled a perpetual fee-farm-rent of three and twenty hundred, threescore and nine thousand, five hundred and fourteen rose nobles, exempted from all homage, fealty, service or burden whatsoever, and payable every year at the gate of the Abbey; and of this by letters patent passed a very good grant. The Architecture was in a figure hexagonal, and in such a fashion, that in every one of the six corners there was built a great round tower of threescore foot in diameter, and were all of alike form and bigness. Upon the north-side ran along the river of Loire, on the bank whereof was situated the tower called Arctic: going towards the East, there was another called Calaer, the next following Anatole; the next Mesembrine: the next Hesperia, and the last Criere. Every tower was distant from other the space of three hundred and twelve paces. The whole Edifice was every where six stories high, reckoning the Cellars under ground for one: the second was arched after the fashion of a basket-handle; the rest were seeled with pure wainscot, flourished with Flanders fretwork, in the form of the foot of a lamp: and covered above with fine slates, with an endorsement of lead, carrying the antic figures of little puppets, and animals of all sorts, notably well suited to one another, and guilt, together with the gutters, which jetting without the walls, from betwixt the cross bars in a diagonal figure, painted with gold and azure, reached to the very ground, where they ended into great conduit-pipes, which carried all away unto the river from under the house.  
This same building was a hundred times more sumptuous and magnificent then ever was Bonnivet, Chambourg or Chantillie; for there were in it nine thousand, three hundred and two and thirty chambers, every one whereof had a withdrawing room, a handsome closet, a wardrobe, an oratory, and neat passage, leading into a great and spacious hall. Between every tower, in the midst of the said body of building, there was a pair of winding (such as we now call lantern) stairs, whereof the steps were part of Porphyry, (which is a dark red marble, spotted with white,) part of Numidian stone, (which is a kind of yellowishly streaked marble upon various colours,) and part of Serpentine marble, (with light spots on a dark green ground) each of those steps being two and twenty foot in length, and three fingers thick, and the just number of twelve betwixt every rest, or (as we now term it) landing place. In every resting place were two fair antic arches where the light came in: and by those they went into a Cabinet, made even with and of the breadth of the said winding, and the reascending above the roofs of the house, ended conically in a pavilion: By that advise or winding, they entered on every side into a great hall, and from the halls into the chambers; from the Arctic tower unto the Criere, were the fair great libraries in Greek, Latin, Hebrew, French, Italian and Spanish, respectively distributed in their several cantons, according to the diversity of these languages. In the midst there was a wonderful scalier or winding-staire, the entry whereof was without the house, in a vault or arch six fathom broad. It was made in such symmetry and largeness, that six men at arms with their lances in their rests, might together in a breast ride all up to the very top of all the Palace; from the tower Anatole to the Mesembrine were fair spacious galleries, all coloured over and painted with the ancient prowesses, histories and descriptions of the world. In the midst thereof there was likewise such another ascent and gate, as we said there was on the riverside. Upon that gate was written in great antic letters, that which followeth.   

CHAP. LIV.  
The Inscription set upon the great gate of Theleme.  

HEre enter not vile bigots, hypocrites,  
Externally devoted Apes, base snites,  
Puffed up, wry-necked beasts, worse than the Huns  
Or Ostrogots, forerunners of baboons:  
Cursed snakes, dissembled varlers, seeming Sancts,  
Slipshod caffards, beggars pretending wants,  
Fat chuffcats, smell-feast knockers, doltish gulls,  
Out-strouting cluster-fists, contentious bulls,  
Fomenters of divisions and debates,  
Elsewhere, not here, make sale of your deceits.   

Your filthy trumperies  
Stuffed with pernicious lies,  
(Not worth a bubble)  
Would do but trouble,  
Our earthly Paradise,  
Your filthy trumperies.   

Here enter not Attorneys, Barresters,  
Nor bridle champing-law-Practitioners:  
Clerks, Commissaries, Scribes nor Pharisees,  
Wilful disturbers of the People's ease:  
Judges, destroyers, with an unjust breath,  
Of honest men, like dogs, even unto death.  
Your salary is at the gibet-foot:  
Go drink there; for we do not here fly out  
On those excessive courses, which may draw  
A waiting on your courts by suits in law.   

Lawsuits, debates and wrangling  
Hence are exiled, and jangling.  
Here we are very  
Frolic and merry,  
And free from all intangling,  
Lawsuits, debates and wrangling.   

HEre enter not base pinching Usurers,  
Pelf-lickers, everlasting gatherers.  
Gold-graspers, coine-gripers, gulpers of mists:  
Niggish deformed sots, who, though your chests  
Vast sums of money should to you afford,  
Would nevertheless add more unto that hoard,  
And yet not be content, you cluntchfist dastards,  
Insatiable fiends, and Pluto's bastards.  
Greedy devourers, chichie sneakbil rogues,  
Hell-mastiffs gnaw your bones, you ravenous dogs.   

You beastly looking fellows,  
Reason doth plainly tell us,  
That we should not  
To you allot  
Room here, but at the Gallows,  
You beastly looking fellows.   

HEre enter not, fond makers of demurs  
In love-adventures, peevish, jealous curs.  
Sad pensive dotards, raisers of garboils,  
Hags, goblins, guhosts, firebrands of household broils.  
Nor drunkards, liars, cowards, cheaters, clowns,  
Thiefs, cannibals, faces overcast with frowns.  
Nor lazy slugs, envious, covetous:  
Nor blockish, cruel, nor too credulous.  
Here mangy, pocky folks shall have no place,  
No ugly lusks, nor persons of disgrace.   

Grace, honour, praise, delight,  
Here sojourn day and night.  
Sound bodies lined  
With a good mind,  
Do here pursue with might  
Grace, honour, praise, delight.   

HEre enter you, and welcome from our hearts,  
All noble sparks, endowed with gallant parts.  
This is the glorious place, which bravely shall  
Afford wherewith to entertain you all.  
Were you a thousand, here you shall not want  
For any thing; for what you'll ask, we'll grant.  
Stay here you lively, jovial, handsome, brisk.  
Gay, witty, frolic, cheerful merry, frisk,  
Spruce, jocund, courteous, furtherers of trades,  
And in a word, all worthy gentile blades.   

Blades of heroic breasts  
Shall taste here of the feasts,  
Both privily  
And civilly  
Of the celestial guests,  
Blades of heroic breasts.   

HEre enter you, pure, honest, faithful, true,  
Expounders of the Scriptures old and new.  
Whose glosses do not blind our reason, but  
Make it to see the clearer, and who shut  
Its passages from hatred, avarice,  
Pride, factious covenants, and all sort of vice.  
Come, settle here a charitable faith,  
Which neighbourly affection nourisheth.  
And whose light chaseth all corrupters hence,  
Of the blessed Word, from the aforesaid sense.   

The Holy Sacred Word  
May it always afford  
TO us all in common  
Both man and woman  
A spiritual shield and sword,  
The holy sacred Word.   

HEre enter you all Ladies of high birth,  
Delicious, stately, charming, full of mirth,  
Ingenious, lovely, miniard, proper, fair,  
Magnetic, graceful, splendid, pleasant, rare,  
Obliging, sprightly, virtuous, young, solacious,  
Kind, neat, quick, feat, bright, count, ripe, choice, dear, precious.  
Alluring, courtly, comely, fine, complete,  
Wise, personable, ravishing and sweet.  
Come joys enjoy, the Lord celestial  
Hath given enough, wherewith to please us all.   

Gold give us, God forgive us,  
And from all woes relieve us.  
That we the treasure  
May reap of pleasure.  
And eat what e'er is grievous.  
Gold give us, God forgive us.    

CHAP. LV.  
What manner of dwelling the Thelemites had.  
IN the middle of the lower Court there was a stately fountain of fair Alabaster; upon the top thereof stood the three Graces, with their cornucopias, or horns of abundance, and did jert out the water at their breasts, mouth, ears, eyes, and other open passages of the body; the inside of the buildings in this lower Court stood upon great pillars of Cassydonie stone, and Porphyry marble, made arch-wayes after a goodly antic fashion. Within those were spacious galleries, long and large, adorned with curious pictures, the horns of Bucks and Unicorns: with Rhinoceroses, water-horses called Hippopotames, the teeth and tusks of Elephants, and other things well worth the beholding. The lodging of the Ladies (for so we may call those gallant women) took up all from the tower Arctic unto the gate Mesembrine: the men possessed the rest, before the said lodging of the Ladies, that they might have their recreation between the two first towers. On the outside were placed the tiltyard, the barriers or lists for turnements, the hippodrome or riding Court, the theatre or public playhouse, and Natatorie or place to swim in, with most admirable baths in three stages, situated above one another, well furnished with all necessary accommodation, and store of myrtle-water. By the riverside was the fair garden of pleasure: and in the midst of that the glorious labyrinth. Between the two other towers were the Courts for the tennis and the baloon. Towards the tower Criere stood the Orchard full of all fruit-trees, set and ranged in a quincuncial order. At the end of that was the great Park, abounding with all sort of Venison. Betwixt the third couple of towers were the butts and marks for shooting with a snap work-gun, an ordinary bow for common archery, or with a Crossbow. The office-houses were without the tower Hesperie, of one story high. The stables were beyond the offices, and before them stood the falconry, managed by Ostridge-keepers and Falconers, very expert in the Art, and it was yearly supplied and furnished by the Candians, Venetians, Sarmates (now called Moscoviters) with all sorts of most excellent hawks, eagles, gerfalcons, gosehawkes', sacres, lanners, falcons, sparrowhawks, Marlins, and other kinds of them, so gentle and perfectly well manned, that flying of themselves sometimes from the Castle for their own disport, they would not fail to catch whatever they encountered. The Venery where the Beagles and Hounds were kept, was a little farther off drawing towards the Park.  
All the halls, chambers, and closerts or cabinets, were richly hung with tapestry, and hangings of divers sorts, according to the variety of the seasons of the year. All the pavements and floors were covered with green cloth: the beds were all embroidered: in every back-chamber or withdrawing room there was a lookingglass of pure crystal set in a frame of fine gold, garnished all about with pearls, and was of such greatness, that it would represent to the full the whole lineaments and proportion of the person that stood before it. At the going out of the halls, which belong to the Lady's lodgings, were the perfumers and trimmers, through whose hands the gallants past when they were to visit the Ladies; those sweet Artificers did every morning furnish the Lady's chambers with the spirit of roses, orange-flower-water and Angelica; and to each of them gave a little precious casket vapouring forth the most odoriferous exhalations of the choicest aromatical scents.   

CHAP. LVI.  
How the men and women of the religious order of Theleme were apparelled.  
THe Ladies at the foundation of this order, were apparelled after their own pleasure and liking: but since that of their own accord and free will they have reform themselves, their accoutrement is in manner as followeth. They wore stockings of scarlet crimson, or ingrained purple die, which reached just three inches above the knee, having a list beautified with exquisite embroideries, and rare incisions of the Cutters Art. Their garters were of the colour of their bracelets, and circled the knee a little, both over and under. Their shoes, pumps and slippers were either of red, violet, or crimson-velvet, pinked and jagged like Lobster wadles.  
Next to their smock they put on the pretty kirtle or vasquin of pure silk chamlet: above that went the taffatie or tabie farthingale, of white, red, tawny, grey, or of any other colour; Above this taffatie petticoat they had another of cloth of tissue or brocado, embroidered with fine gold, and interlaced with needlework, or as they thought good, and according to the temperature and disposition of the weather, had their upper coats of satin, damask or velvet, and those either orange, tawny, green, ash-coloured, blue, yellow, bright, red, crimson or white, and so forth; or had them of cloth of gold, cloth of silver, or some other choice stuff, enriched with pearl, or embroidered according to the dignity of the festival days and times wherein they wore them.  
Their gowns being still correspondent to the season, were either of cloth of gold frizzled with a silver-raised work; of red satin, covered with gold pearl: of tabie, or taffatie, white, blue, black, tawny, etc. of silk serge, silk chamlot, velvet, cloth of silver, silver tissue, cloth of gold, gold wire, figured velvet, or figured satin tinselled and overcast with golden threads, in divers variously purfled draughts.  
In summer some days in stead of gowns they wore light handsome mantles, made either of the stuff of the aforesaid attire, or like Moresco rugs, of violet, velvet frizzled, with a raised work of gold upon silver pearl: or with a knotted cord-work of gold embroidery, every where garnished with little Indian pearls. They always carried a fair Pannache, or plume of feathers, of the colour of their muff, bravely adorned and tricked out with glistering spangles of gold, In the wintertime they had their taffatie gowns of all colours, as abovenamed: and those lined with the rich furrings of hinde-wolves, or speckled lynxes, black-spotted weesils, martlet-skins of Calabria, sables, and other costly furs of an inestimable value. Their beads, rings, bracelets, collars, carcanets and neck-chaines were all of precious stones, such as carbuncles, rubies, baleus, diamonds, saphires, emeralds, turkoises, garnets, agates, berilles, and excellent margarits. Their head-dressing also varied with the season of the year, according to which they decked themselves. In winter it was of the French fashion, in the spring of the Spanish: in summer of the fashion of Tuscanie, except only upon the holy days and Sundays, at which times they were accoutred in the French mode, because they accounted it more honourable, and better befitting the garb of a matronal pudicity.  
The men were apparelled after their fashion: their stockings were of tamine or of cloth-serge, of white, black, scarlet, or some other ingrained colour: their breeches were of velvet, of the same colour with their stockings, or very near, embroidered and cut according to their fancy: their doublet was of cloth of gold, of cloth of silver, of velvet, satin, damask, taffetas, etc. of the same colours, cut, embroidered, and suitably trimmed up in perfection: the points were of silk of the same colours; the tags were of gold well enamelled: their coats and jerkins were of cloth of gold, cloth of silver, gold, tissue or velvet embroidered, as they thought fit: their gowns were every whit as costly as those of the Ladies: their girdles were of silk, of the colour of their doublets: every one had a gallant sword by his side, the hilt and handle whereof were gilded, and the scabbard of velvet, of the colour of his breeches, with a chape of gold, and pure Goldsmith's work: the dagger was of the same: their caps or bonnets were of black velvet, adorned with jewels and buttons of gold: upon that they wore a white plume, most prettily and minion-like, parted by so many rows of gold spangles, at the end whereof hung dangling in a more sparkling resplendency fair rubies, emeralds, diamonds, etc. but there was such a sympathy betwixt the gallants & the Ladies, that every day they were apparelled in the same livery: and that they might not miss, there were certain Gentlemen appointed to tell the youths every morning what vestments the Ladies would on that day wear; for all was done according to the pleasure of the Ladies. In these so handsome clothes, and habiliments so rich, think not that either one or other of either sex did waste any time at all; for the Masters of the wardrobes had all their raiments and apparel so ready for every morning, and the chamber-Ladies so well skilled, that in a trice they would be dressed, and completely in their clothes from head to foot. And to have those accoutrements with the more conveniency; there was about the wood of T●leme a row of houses of the extent of half a league, very neat and cleanly, wherein dwelled the Goldsmiths, Lapidaries, Jewellers, Embroiderers, Tailors, Gold-drawers, Velvet-weavers, Tapestrie-makers and Upholsters, who wrought there every one in his own trade, and all for the aforesaid jolly Friars and Nuns of the new stamp; they were furnished with matter and stuff from the hands of the Lord Nausiclete, who every year brought them seven ships from the Perlas & Cannibal-islands, laden with ingots of gold, with raw silk, with pearls and precious stones. And if any margarites (called unions) began to grow old, and lose somewhat of their natural whiteness and lustre, those with their Art they did renew, by tendering them to eat to some pretty cocks, as they use to give casting unto hawks.   

CHAP. LVII.  
How the Thelemites were governed, and of their manner of living.  
ALL their life was spent not in laws, statutes or rules, but according to their own free will and pleasure. They rose out of their beds, when they thought good: they did eat, drink, labour, sleep, when they had a mind to it, and were disposed for it. None did awake them, none did offer to constrain them to eat, drink, nor to do any other thing; for so had Gargantua established it. In all their rule, and strictest tie of their order, there was but this one clause to be observed.  Do what thou wilt. 
Because men that are free, well-born, well-bred, and conversant in honest companies, have naturally an instinct and spur that prompteth them unto virtuous actions, and withdraws them from vice, which is called honour. Those same men, when by base subjection and constraint they are brought under and kept down, turn aside from that noble disposition, by which they formerly were inclined to virtue, to shake off and break that bond of servitude, wherein they are so tyrannously enslaved; for it is agreeable with the nature of man to long after things forbidden, and to desire what is denied us.  
By this liberty they entered into a very laudable emulation, to do all of them what they saw did please one; if any of the gallants or Ladies should say, Let us drink, they would all drink: if any one of them said, Let us play, they all played; if one said, Let us go a walking into the fields, they went all: if it were to go a hawking or a hunting, the Ladies mounted upon dainty well-paced nags, seated in a stately palfrey saddle, carried on their lovely fists miniardly begloved every one of them, either a Sparhawk, or a Laneret, or a Marlin, and the young gallants carried the other kinds of Hawks: so nobly were they taught, that there was neither he nor she amongst them, but could read, write, sing, play upon several musical instruments, speak five or six several languages, and compose in them all very quaintly, both in Verse and Prose: never were seen so valiant Knights, so noble and worthy, so dextrous and skilful both on foot and a horseback, more brisk and lively, more nimble and quick, or better handling all manner of weapons than were there. Never were seen Ladies so proper and handsome, so miniard and dainty, less froward, or more ready with their hand, and with their needle, in every honest and free action belonging to that sex than were there: for this reason when the time came, that any man of the said Abbey, either at the request of his parents, or for some other cause, had a mind to go out of it, he carried along with him one of the Ladies, namely her whom he had before that chosen for his Mistress, and were married together: and if they had formerly in Theleme lived in good devotion and amity, they did continue therein and increase it to a greater height in their state of matrimony: and did entertain that mutual love till the very last day of their life, in no less vigour and fervency, then at the very day of their wedding: here must not I forget to set down unto you a riddle, which was found under the ground, as they were laying the foundation of the Abbey, engraven in a copper plate; and it was thus as followeth.   

CHAP. LVIII.  
A Prophetical Riddle.  

POor mortals, who wait for a happy day,  
Cheer up your hearts, and hear what I shall say:  
If it be lawful firmly to believe,  
That the celestial bodies can us give  
Wisdom to judge of things that are not yet:  
Or if from Heaven such wisdom we may get,  
As may with confidence make us discourse  
Of years to come, their destiny and course;  
I to my hearers give to understand,  
That this next Winter, though it be at hand,  
Yea and before, there shall appear a race  
Of men, who loath to sit still in one place  
Shall boldly go before all people's eyes,  
Suborning men of divers qualities,  
To draw them unto covenants and sides,  
In such a manner, that whate'er betides,  
They'll move you, if you give them ear (no doubt)  
With both your friends and kindred to fall out.  
They make a vassal to gain-stand his Lord,  
And children their own Parents, in a Word  
All reverence shall then be banished:  
No true respect to other shall be had:  
They'll say that every man should have his turn,  
Both in his going forth, and his return;  
And hereupon there shall arise such woes,  
Such jarrings, and confused toes and froes,  
That never were in history such coil's  
Set down as yet, such tumults and garboils.  
Then shall you many gallant men, see by  
Valour stirred up, and youthful fervency,  
Who trusting too much in their hopeful time,  
Live but a while, and perish in their prime.  
Neither shall any who this course shall run,  
Leave off the race which he hath once begun,  
Till they the heavens with noise by their contention  
Have filled, and with their steps the earth's dimension.  
Then those shall have no less authority,  
That have no faith, than those that will not lie;  
For all shall be governed by a rude,  
Base, ignorant, and foolish multitude;  
The veriest lout of all shall be their Judge.  
O horrible, and dangerous deluge!  
Deluge I call it, and that for good reason,  
For this shall be omitted in no season:  
Nor shall the earth of this foul stir be free,  
Till suddenly you in great store shall see  
The water's issue out, with whose streams the  
Most moderate of all shall moistened be,  
And justly too; because they did not spare  
The flocks of beasts that innocentest are,  
But did their sinews, and their bowels take,  
Not to the gods a sacrifice to make,  
But usually to serve themselves for sport;  
And now consider, I do you exhort,  
In such commotions so continual,  
What rest can take the globe terrestrial?  
Most happy then are they, that can it hold,  
And use it carefully as precious gold,  
By keeping it in Goal, whence it shall have  
No help but him, who being to it gave:  
And to increase his mournful accident,  
The Sun, before it set in th' occident;  
Shall cease to dart upon it any light,  
More than in an eclipse, or in the night.  
So that at once its favour shall be gone,  
And liberty with it be left alone.  
And yet before it come to ruin thus,  
Its quaking shall be as impetuous  
As Aetna's was, when Titan's sons lay under,  
And yield, when lest, a fearful sound like thunder.  
Inarime did not more quickly move,  
When Typheûs did the vast huge hills remove,  
And for despite into the sea them threw.  
Thus shall it then be lost by ways not few,  
And changed suddenly, when those that have it  
To other men that after come shall leave it.  
Then shall it be high time to cease from this  
So long, so great, so tedious exercise;  
For the great waters told you now by me,  
Will make each think where his retreat shall be;  
And yet before that they be clean dispersed,  
You may behold in th' air where nought was erst,  
The burning heat of a great flame to rise,  
Lick up the water, and the enterprise.  
It resteth after those things to declare,  
That those shall sit content, who chosen are,  
With all good things, and with celestial man,  
And richly recompensed every man:  
The others at the last all stripped shall be,  
That after this great work all men may see  
How each shall have his due, this is their lot;  
O he is worthy-praise that shrinketh not.   
No sooner was this enigmatical monument read over, but Gargantua fetching a very deep sigh, said unto those that stood by, It is not now only (I perceive) that People called to the faith of the Gospel, and convinced with the certainty of Evangelical truths are persecuted; but happy is that man that shall not be scandalised, but shall always continue to the end, in aiming at that mark, which God by his dear Son hath set before us, without being distracted or diverted by his carnal affections and depraved nature.  
The Monk then said, What do you think in your conscience is meant and signified by this riddle? What? (said Gargantua) the progress and carrying on of the divine truth. By St. Goderan (said the Monk) that is not my exposition; it is the stile of the Prophet Merlin: make upon it as many grave allegories and glosses as you will, and dote upon it you and the rest of the world as long as you please: for my part, I can conceive no other meaning in it, but a description of a set at tennis in dark and obscure terms. The suborners of men are the Makers of matches, which are commonly friends. After the two chaces are made, he that was in the upper end of the tennis-court goeth out, and the other cometh in. They believe the first, that saith the ball was over or under the line. The waters are the heats that the players take till they sweat again. The cords of the rackets are made of the guts of sheep or goats. The Globe terrestrial is the tennis-ball. After playing, when the game is done, they refresh themselves before a clear fire, and change their shirts: and very willingly they make all good cheer, but most merrily those that have gained; And so farewell.  
FINIS.   

The Second BOOK Of the WORKS of Mr. FRANCIS RABELAIS, DOCTOR IN Physic: Treating of the Heroic Deeds and Sayings of the good PANTAGRUEL. Written Originally in the FRENCH TONGUE, And now faithfully Translated into ENGLISH.  
By S. T. U. C.  
〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉,  
Mean, speak, and do well.  
LONDON, Printed for Richard Baddeley, within the middle Temple-gate. 1653.   

FOR THE Reader.  
THe Reader here may be pleased to take notice, that the Copy of Verses by the title of Rablophila, premised to the first book of this Translation, being but a kind of mock-Poem, in imitation of somewhat lately published, (as to any indifferent Observer will easily appear, by the false quantities in the Latin, the abusive strain of the English, and extravagant subscription to both,) and as such, by a friend of the Translators, at the desire of some frolic Gentlemen of his acquaintance (more for a trial of skill, than prejudicacie to any,) composed in his jollity, to please their fancies; was only ordained to be prefixed to a dozen of books, and no more, thereby to save the labour of transcribing so many, as were requisite for satisfying the curiosity of a company of just that number; and that therefore the charging of the whole Impression with it, is merely to be imputed to the negligence of the Presse-men, who receiving it about the latter end of the night, were so eager before the next morning to afford complete books, that as they began, they went on, without animadverting what was recommended to their discretion: This is hoped will suffice to assure the ingenuous Reader, that in no Treatise of the Translators, (whether Original or Translatitious) shall willingly be offered the meanest rub to the reputation of any worthy Gentleman, and that however Providence dispose of him, no misfortune shall be able to induce his mind to any complacency in the disparagement of another.  
Again.  
The Pentateuch of Rabelais, mentioned in the title page of the first book of this Translation, being written Originally in the French Tongue, (as it comprehendeth some of its bruskest dialects,) with so much ingeniosity, and wit, that more impressions have been sold thereof in that language, then of any other book, that hath been set forth at any time, within these fifteen hundred years: so difficult nevertheless to be turned into any other speech, that many prime spirits in most of the Nations of Europe, since the year 1573. (which was fourscore years ago) after having attempted it, were constrained (with no small regret) to give it over, as a thing impossible to be done, is now in its Translation thus far advanced, and the remainder faithfully undertaken with the same hand to be rendered into English by a Person of quality, who (though his lands be sequestered, his house garrisoned, his other goods sold, and himself detained a Prisoner of war at London, for his having been at Worcester fight) hath, at the most earnest entreaty of some of his especial friends, well acquainted with his inclination to the performance of conducible singularities promised, besides his version of these two already published, very speedily to offer up unto this Isle of Britain, the virginity of the Translation of the other three most admirable books of the aforesaid Author; provided that by the plurality of judicious and understanding men it be not declared, he hath already proceeded too far, or that the continuation of the rigour whereby he is dispossessed of all his both real and personal estate, by pressing too hard upon him, be not an impediment thereto, and to other more eminent undertake of his, as hath been oftentimes very fully mentioned by the said Translator, in several original Treatises of his own penning, lately by him so numerously dispersed, that there is scarce any, who being skilful in the English Idiom, or curious of any new ingenious invention, hath not either read them, or heard of them.   


The ERRATAS of the First Book.  
Upon the margin of the first eight verses. IXLX GPX  
PAge 13. line 11. for pray read pray'y. p. 26. marg. for fermele r. fermee. p. 36. l. 22. for monocorsing r. monocordising. p. 37. l. 19 for Seamsters r. Seamstresses. forborn ●orne r. carried. p. 15. l. 25. for arswer●ie r. arsiversie. p. 79. l. 18. for hoparymated r. hopurymated. p. 90. l. 29. for pursley r. parsley. p. 92. l. 5. for kiriele r. kiriels. p. 107. l. 28. for sore r. fore. p. 113. l. 21. for charantou r. charanton. p. 123. l. 5. for Suedevede r. gue de vede. p. 123. l. 16. for stussed r. stuffed. p. 127. l. 5. for blade r. blades. p. 149. l. 24. for entrance r. entrance there. p. 157. l. 19 for marousle r. maroufle. p. 159. l. 7. for feet r. foot. p. 161. l. 25. for in ran him r. ran him in. p. 176 l. 9 for elder tree r. alder-tree. p. 177. l. 21. for mae, vi r. ma vie. p. 184. l. 22. for ough r. cough. p. 186. l. 19 for sable. r. shable. p. 192. l. 8. for five r. six. p. 196. l. 18. for vertebrae r. verteber. p. 200. l. 15. for five r. six. p. 201. l. 2. for argy, and r. Argy, this of St. Nazarand. p. 224. l 16. for gnaw r. grow. p. 242. l. 9 for sparrow-hawks r. sparhawks. p. 251. l. 20. for they r. they'll. p. 253. l. 15. for lest r. lost.   

The EKRATA of the Second Book.  
PAge 4. of the Prologue. line 17. for roll-book r. jolly book. p. 2. l. 19 for their regular r. the irregular. p. 18. l. 3. for be the r. be they. p. 26. l. 31. for bury r. burn. p. 49. l. 14. for bumsquicbraker. r. bumsquibcraker. p. 77. l. 27. for thirst r. thrust. p. 80. l. 22. for patains r. patins.    

Mr. HUGH SALEL TO Rabelais.  
IF profit mixed with pleasure may suffice,  
T' extol an Author's worth above the skies,  
Thou certainly for both must praised be:  
I know it; for thy judgement hath in the  
Contexture of this book set down such high  
Contentments, mingled with utility:  
That (as I think) I see Democritus  
Laughing at men as things ridiculous:  
Insist in thy design; for though we prove  
Ungrate on earth, thy merit is above.   

THE AUTHOR'S Prologue.  
MOst Illustrious and thrice valorous Champions, Gentlemen and others, who willingly apply your minds to the entertainment of pretty conceits, and honest harmless knacks of wit: You have not long ago seen, read and understood the great and inestimable Chronicle of the huge and mighty Giant Gargantua, and like upright Faithfullists, have firmly believed all to be true that is contained in them, and have very often past your time with them, amongst Honourable Ladies and Gentlewomen, telling them fair long stories, when you were out of all other talk, for which you are worthy of great praise and sempiternal memory: and I do heartily wish that every man would lay aside his own business, meddle no more with his Profession nor Trade, and throw all affairs concerning himself behind his back, to attend this wholly, without distracting or troubling his mind with any thing else, until he have learned them without book; that if by chance the Art of printing should cease, or in case that in time to come all books should perish, every man might truly teach them unto his children, and deliver them over to his successors and survivors from hand to hand, as a religious Cabal; for there is in it more profit, than a rabble of great pocky Loggerheads are able to discern, who surely understand far less in these little merriments, than the fool Raclet did in the institutions of Justinian.  
I have known great and mighty Lords, and of those not a few, who going a Deer-hunting, or a hawking after wild Ducks, when the chase had not encountered with the blinks, that were cast in her way to retard her course, or that the Hawk did but plain and smoothly fly without moving her wings, perceiving the prey by force of flight to have gained bounds of her, have been much chafed and vexed, as you understand well enough; but the comfort unto which they had refuge, and that they might not take cold, was to relate the inestimable deeds of the said Gargantua. There are others in the world, (These are no flim-flam stories, nor tales of a tub) who being much troubled with the toothache, after they had spent their goods upon Physicians, without receiving at all any ease of their pain, have found no more ready remedy, then to put the said Chronicles betwixt two pieces of linen cloth made somewhat hot, and so apply them to the place that smarteth, synapising them with a little powder of projection, otherways called doribus.  
But what shall I say of those poor men, that are plagued with the Pox and the Gout? O how often have we seen them, even immediately after they were anointed and throughly greased, till their faces did glister like the Keyhole of a powdering tub, their teeth dance like the jacks of a pair of little Organs or Virginals, when they are played upon, and that they foamed from their very throats like a boar, which the Mongrel Mastiffe-hounds have driven in, and overthrown amongst the foils: what did they then?  
All their consolation was to have some page of the said Roll-book read unto them: and we have seen those who have given themselves to a hundred punchions of old devils, in case that they did not feel a manifest ease and assuagement of pain, at the hearing of the said book read, even when they were kept in a purgatory of torment; no more nor less than women in travel use to find their sorrow abated, when the life of St. Margarite is read unto them: is this nothing? find me a book in any language, in any faculty or science whatsoever, that hath such virtues, properties and prerogatives, and I will be content to pay you a quart of tripes. No, my Masters, no, it is peerless, incomparable, and not to be matched; and this am I resolved for ever to maintain even unto the fire exclusive. And those that will pertinaciously hold the contrary opinion, let them be accounted Abusers, Predestinators, Impostors and Seducers of the People; it is very true, that there are found in some gallant and stately books, worthy of high estimation, certain occult and hid properties; in the number of which are reckoned Whippot, Orlando furioso, Robert the devil, Fierabras, William without fear, Huon of Bourdeaux, Monteville, and Matabrune: but they are not comparable to that which we speak of; and the world hath well known by infallible experience, the great emolument and utility which it hath received by this Gargantuine Chronicle; for the Printers have sold more of them in two month's time, then there will be bought of Bibles in nine years.  
I therefore (your humble slave) being very willing to increase your solace and recreation yet a little more, do offer you for a Present another book of the same stamp, only that it is a little more reasonable and worthy of credit then the other was; for think not, (unless you wilfully will err against your knowledge) that I speak of it as the Jews do of the Law; I was not born under such a Planet, neither did it ever befall me to lie, or affirm a thing for true that was not: I speak of it like a lusty frolic 
* Onocratal is a bird ●ot much unlike a Swaa, which sings like an Asses ●raying.  Onocrotarie, I should say 
* Crotenotai●e or notaire crotté croquenotaire or notaire croqué are but allusions in derision of Protonotaire, wh●ch signifieth a Pregnotarie.  Crotenotarie, of the martyrised Lovers and Croquenotarie of love: quoth vidimus, testamur. It is of the horrible and dreadful feats and prowesses of Pantagruel, whose menial servant I have been ever since I was a page till this hour, that by his leave I am permitted to visit my Cow-countrey, and to know if any of my Kindred there be alive.  
And therefore to make an end of this Prologue, even as I give myself to an hundred Panniers-full of fair devils, body and soul, tripes and guts, in case that I lie so much as one single word in this whole History: After the like manner, St. Anthony's fire burn you: Mahooms disease whirl you▪ the squinance with a stitch in your side, and the Wolf in your stomach truss you, the bloody flux seize upon you, the cursed sharp inflammations of wild fire, as slender and thin as Cow's hair, strengthened with quick silver, enter into your fundament, and like those of Sodom and Gomorrha, may you fall into sulphur, fire and bottomless pits, in case you do not firmly believe all that I shall relate unto you in this present Chronicle.   

The Second Book of RABELAIS, Treating of the Heroic Deeds and Sayings of the good PANTAGRUEL.  
CHAP. I.  
Of the Original and Antiquity of the great Pantagruel.  
IT will not be an idle nor unprofitable thing, seeing we are at leisure to put you in mind of the Fountain and Original Source, whence is derived unto us the good Pantagruel; for I see that all good Historiographers have thus handled their Chronicle; not only the Arabians, Barbarians and Latines; but also the gentle Greeks, who were eternal drinkers. You must therefore remark, that at the beginning of the world, (I speak of a long time, it is above forty quarantines, or forty times forty nights, according to the supputation of the ancient Druids) a little after that Abel was killed by his brother Cain, the earth imbrued with the blood of the just, was one year so exceeding fertile in all those fruits which it usually produceth to us, and especially in Medlars, that ever since, throughout all ages it hath been called the year of the great medlars, for three of them ●id fill a bushel: in it the Calends were found by the Grecian Almanacs, there was that year nothing of the month of March in the time of Lent, and the middle of August was in May: in the month of October, as I take it, or at least September, (that I may not err; for I will carefully take heed of that) was the week so famous in the Annals, which they call the week of the three Thursdays; for it had three of them by means of their regular Leap-yeares, (called Bissextils) occasioned by the Sun's having tripped and stumbled a little towards the left hand, like a debtor afraid of Sergeants coming right upon him to arrest him: and the Moon varied from her course above five fathom, and there was manifestly seen the motion of trepidation in the firmament of the fixed stars, called Aplanes, so that the middle Pleiade leaving her fellows, declined towards the Equinoctial, and the star named Spica, left the constellation of the Virgin to withdraw herself towards the balance known by the name of Libra, which are cases very terrible, and matters so hard and difficult, that Astrologians cannot set their teeth in them; and indeed their teeth had been pretty long if they could have reached thither.  
However account you it for a truth, that every body than did most heartily ea● of those medlars, for they were fair to the eye, and in taste delicious: but even as Noah that holy man, (to whom we are so much beholding, bound and obliged, for that he planted to us the Vine, from whence we have that nectarian, delicious, precious, heavenly, joyful and deifick liquor, which they call the piot or tiplage) was deceived in the drinking of it, for he was ignorant of the great virtue and power thereof: so likewise the men and women of that time did delight much in the eating of that fair great fruit, but divers and very different accidents did ensue thereupon; for there fell upon them all in their bodies a most terrible swelling, but not upon all in the same place, for some were swollen in the belly, and their belly strouted out big like a great tun, of whom it is written ventrem omnipotentem, who were all very honest men, and merry blades: and of this race came St. Fatgulch and Shrove-tuesday; 
Pans●rt mardig●●s.  Others did swell at the shoulders, who in that place were so crump and knobbie; that they were therefore called Montifers, (which is as much to say as Hill-carriers,) of whom you see some yet in the world of divers sexes and degrees: of this race came Aesop, some of whose excellent words and deeds you have in writing: some other puffes did swell in length by the member, which they call the Labourer of nature, in such sort that it grew marvellous long, fat, great, lusty, stirring and Crest-risen, in the Antic fashion, so that they made use of it as of a girdle, winding it five or six times about their waste: but if it happened the foresaid member to be in good case, spooming with a full sail bunt fair before the wind, then to have seen those strutting Champions, you would have taken them for men that had their lances settled on their Rest, to run at the ring or tilting whintam: of these believe me the race is utterly lost and quite extinct, as the women say; for they do lament continually, that there are none extant now of those great, etc. you know the rest of the song. Others did grow in matter of ballocks so enormously, that three of them would well fill a sack, able to contain five quarters of wheat, from them are descended the ballocks of Lorraine, which never dwell in Codpieces, but fall down to the bottom of the breeches. Others grew in the legs, and to see them, you would have said they had been Cranes, or the reddish-long-bill'd-stork-like-scrank-legged sea-fowles, called Flamans, or else men walking upon stilts or scatches: the little Grammar schoolboys (known by the name of Grimos,) called those leg-grown slangams jambus, in allusion to the French word jambe, which signifieth a leg. In others, their nose did grow so, that it seemed to be the beak of a Limbeck, in every part thereof most variously diapered with the twinkling sparkles of Crimson-blisters budding forth, and purpled with pimples all enamelled with thick-set weals of a sanguine colour, bordered with gueules, and such have you seen the Cannon, or Prebend Panzoul, and Woodenfoot the Physician of Angiers: of which race there were few that liked the Ptisane, but all of them were perfect lovers of the pure septembral juice; Naso and Ovid had their extraction from thence, and all those of whom it is written, Ne reminiscaris. Others grew in ears, which they had so big, that out of one would have been stuff enough got, to make a doublet, a pair of breeches and a jacket, whilst with the other they might have covered themselves as with a Spanish Cloak: and they say, that in Bourbonois this race remaineth yet. Others grew in length of body, and of those came the Giants, and of them Pantagruel.  
And the first was Chalbroth  
who begat Sarabroth who begat Faribroth  
who begat Hurtali, that was a brave eater of pottage, and reigned in the time of the flood.  
who begat Nembroth  
who begat Atlas, that with his shoulders kept the sky from falling.  
who begat Goliath  
who begat Erix, that invented the Hocus pocus plays of Legerdemain.  
who begat Titius  
who begat Eryon  
who begat Polyphemus  
who begat Cacos  
who begat Etion, the first man that ever had the pox, for not drinking fresh in Summer, as Bartachin witnesseth.  
who begat Enceladus  
who begat Ceus  
who begat Tiphaeus  
who begat Alaeus  
who begat Othus  
who begat Aegeon  
who begat Briareus that had a hundred hands.  
who begat Porphyrio  
who begat Adamastor  
who begat Anteus  
who begat Agatho  
Who begat Porus, against whom sought Alexander the great.  
who begat Aranthas  
who begat Cabbara, that was the first inventor of the drinking of healths.  
who begat Goliath of Secondille  
who begat Offot, that was terribly well nosed for drinking at the barrel-head.  
who begat Artachaeus  
who begat Oromedon  
who begat Gemmagog, the first inventor of Poulan shoes, which are open on the foot, and tied over the instep with a latchet.  
who begat Sisyphus,  
who begat the Titans, of whom Hercules was born.  
who begat Enay, the most skilful man that ever was, in matter of taking the little worms (called Cirons) out of the hands.  
who begat Fierabras, that was vanquished by Oliver Peer of France, and Roland's Comrade.  
who begat Morgan, the first in the world that played at dice with spectacles.  
who begat Fracassus, of whom Merlin Coccaius hath written, and of him was borne Ferragus.  
who begat Hapmouche, the first that ever invented the drying of neat's tongues in the Chimney; for before that, people salted them, as they do now gammons of bacon.  
who begat Bolivorax  
who begat Longis  
who begat Gayoffo, whose ballocks were of poplar, and his pr ... of the servise or sor●apple-tree.  
who begat Maschefain  
who begat Bruslefer  
who begat Angoulevent  
who begat Galehaut the inventor of flagons.  
who begat Mirelangaut  
who begat Gallaffre  
who begat Salourdin  
who begat Roboast  
who begat Sortibrant of Conimbres.  
who begat Brusbaut of Mommiere  
who begat Bruyer that was overcome by Ogier the Dane Peer of France.  
who begat Mabrun  
who begat Foutasnon  
who begat Haquelebac  
who begat Vitdegrain  
who begat Grangousier  
who begat Gargantua  
who begat the noble Pantagruel my Master.  
I know that reading this passage, you will make a doubt within yourselves, and that grounded upon very good reason: which is this, how it is possible that this relation can be true, seeing at the time of the flood all the world was destroyed, except Noah, and seven persons more with him in the Ark, into whose number Hurtali is not admitted; doubtless the demand is well made, and very apparent, but the answer shall satisfy you, or my wit is not rightly caulked: and because I was not at that time to tell you any thing of my own fancy, I will bring unto you the authority of the Massorets, good honest fellows, true ballokeering blades, and exact Hebraical bagpipers, who affirm that verily the said Hurtali was not within the Ark of Noah, (neither could he get in, for he was too big) but he sat astride upon it, with one leg on the one side, and another on the other, as little children use to do upon their wooden horses: or as the great Bull of Berne, which was killed at Marinian, did ride for his Hackney the great murdering piece called the Canonperrier, a pretty beast of a fair and pleasant amble without all question.  
In that posture, he after God, saved the said Ark from danger, for with his legs he gave it the brangle that was needful, and with his foot turned it whither he pleased, as a ship answereth her rudder. Those that were within sent him up victuals in abundance by a Chimney, as people very thankfully acknowledging the good that he did them; And sometimes they did talk together as Varomenippus did to jupiter, according to the report of Lucian. Have you understood all this well? drink then one good draught without water; for if you believe it not: no truly do I not, quoth she.   

CHAP. II.  
Of the Nativity of the most dread and redoubted Pantagruel.  
GArgantua at the age of four hundred, fourscore forty and four years begat his son Pantagruel, upon his wife named Badebec, daughter to the King of the Amaurots in Utopia, who died in childbirth, for he was so wonderfully great and lumpish, that he could not possibly come forth into the light of the world, without thus suffocating his mother. But that we may fully understand the cause and reason of the name of Pantagruel, which at his Baptism was given him, you are to remark, that in that year there was so great drought over all the country of Africa, that there past thirty and six months, three weeks, four days, thirteen hours, and a little more without rain, but with a heat so vehement, that the whole earth was parched and withered by it: neither was it more scorched and dried up with heat in the days of Eliah, than it was at that time; for there was not a tree to be seen, that had either leaf or bloom upon it: the grass was without verdure or greenness, the rivers were drained, the fountains dried up, the poor fishes abandoned and forsaken by their proper element, wand'ring and crying upon the ground most horribly: the birds did fall down from the air for want of moisture and dew, wherewith to refresh them: the wolves, foxes, hearts, wild-boares, fallow-deer; hares, coneys, weesils, brocks, badgers, and other such beasts were found dead in the fields with their mouths open; in respect of men, there was the pity, you should have seen them lay out their tongues like hares that have been run six hours: many did throw themselves into the wells: others entered within a Cow's belly to be in the shade; those Homer calls Alibants: all the Country was idle, and could do no virtue: it was a most lamentable case to have seen the labour of mortals in defending themselves from the vehemency of this horrifick drought; for they had work enough to do to save the holy water in the Churches from being wasted; but there was such order taken by the counsel of my Lords the Cardinals, and of our holy Father, that none did dare to take above one lick: yet when any one came into the Church, you should have seen above twenty poor thirsty fellows hang upon him that was the distributer of the water, and that with a wide open throat, gaping for some little drop, (like the rich glutton in Luke,) that might fall by, lest any thing should be lost. O how happy was he in that year, who had a cool Cellar under ground, well plenished with fresh wine!  
The Philosopher reports in moving the question, wherefore it is that the sea-water is salt? that at the time when Phoebus gave the government of his resplendent chariot to his son Phaeton, the said Phaeton, unskilful in the Art, and not knowing how to keep the ecliptic line betwixt the two tropicks of the latitude of the Sun's course, strayed out of his way, and came so near the earth, that he dried up all the Countries that were under it, burning a great part of the Heavens, which the Philosophers call via lactea, and the Huffsnuffs, St. james his way, although the most coped, lofty, and high-crested Poets affirm that to be the place where Juno's milk fell, when she gave suck to Hercules.  
The earth at that time was so excessively heated, that it fell into an enormous sweat, yea such a one as made it sweat out the sea, which is therefore salt, because all sweat is salt; and this you cannot but confess to be true, if you will taste of your own, or of those that have the pox, when they are put into a sweeting, it is all one to me. Just such another case fell out this same year: for on a certain Friday, when the whole people were bend upon their devotions, and had made goodly Processions, with store of Litanies, and fair preachings, and beseechings of God Almighty, to look down with his eye of mercy upon their miserable and disconsolate condition, there was even then visibly seen issue out of the ground great drops of water, such as fall from a puff-bagged man in a top sweat; and the poor Hoydons began to rejoice, as if it had been a thing very profitable unto them; for some said that there was not one drop of moisture in the air, whence they might have any rain, and that the earth did supply the default of that. Other learned men said, that it was a shower of the Antipodes, as Seneca saith in his fourth book Quaestionum naturalium, speaking of the source and spring of Nilus: but they were deceived, for the Procession being ended, when every one went about to gather of this dew, and to drink of it with full bowls; they found that it was nothing but pickle, and the very brine of salt; more brackish in taste then the saltest water of the sea: and because in that very day Pantagruel was borne, his father gave him that name▪ ● for pantas in Greek is as much to say as all, and Gruel in the Hagarene language doth signify thirsty; inferring hereby, that at his birth the whole world was a dry and thirsty, as likewise foreseeing that he, would be some day Suprem Lord, & Sovereign of the thirsty Ethrappels, which was shown to him at that very same hour by a more evident sign; for when his mother Badebe● was in the bringing of him forth, and that the Midwives did wait to receive him: there came first out of her belly threescore and eight Tregeneers (that is, Saltsellers,) every one of them leading in a Halter a Mule heavy loaden with salt: after whom issued forth nine Dromedaries, with great loads of gammons of bacon, and dried neat's tongues on their backs: then followed seven Camels loaded with links and chitterlings, Hogs puddings and salciges: after them came out five great wanes, full of leeks, garlic, onions and chibols, drawn with five and thirty strong Cart-horses, which was six for every one, besides the Thiller. At the sight hereoi the said Midwives were much amazed; yet some of them said, Lo, here is good provision, and indeed we need it; for we drink but lazily, as if our tongues walked on crutches, and not lustily like Lansman duchess: truly this is a good sign, there is nothing here but what is fit for us, these are the spurs of wine that set it a going. As they were tattling thus together after their own manner of cha●, behold, out comes Pantagruel all hairy like a Bear, whereupon one of them inspired with a prophetical Spirit, said, This will be a terrible fellow, he is borne with all his hair, he is undoubtedly to do wonderful things; and if he live, he shall have age.   

CHAP. III.  
Of the grief wherewith Gargantua was moved at the decease of his wife Badebec.  
WHen Pantagruel was borne, there was none more astonished and perplexed then was his father Gargantua; for of the one side, seeing his wife Badebec dead, and on the other side his son Pantagruel born, so fair and so great, he knew not what to say nor what to do: and the doubt that troubled his brain, was to know whether he should cry for the death of his wife, or laugh for the joy of his son: he was hinc indè choked with sophistical arguments, for he framed them very well in modo & figura, but he could not resolve them, remaining pestered and entangled by this means, like a mouse catched in a trap, or kite snared in a gin: Shall I weep (said he?) Yes, for why? my so good wife is dead, who was the most this, the most that, that ever was in the world: never shall I see her, never shall I recover such another, it is unto me an inestimable loss! O my good God, what had I done that thou shouldest thus punish me? why didst thou not take me away before her? seeing for me to live without her is but to languish. Ah Badebec, Badebec, my minion, my dear heart, my sugar, my sweeting, my honey, my little C●● (yet it had in circumference full six acres, three rods, five poles, four yards, two foot, one inch and a half of good woodland measure) my tender peggy, my Codpiece darling, my bob and hit, my slipshoe-lovie, never shall I see thee! Ah, poor Pantagr●el, thou hast lost thy good mother, thy sweet nurse, thy wellbeloved Lady! O false death, how injurious and despightful hast thou been to me? how malicious and outrageous have I found thee? in taking her from me, my wellbeloved wife, to whom immortality did of right belong. With these words he did cry like a Cow, but on a sudden fell a laughing like a Calf, when Pantagruel came into his mind: Ha, my little son, (said he) my childilollie, fedlifondie, dandlichuckie, my ballockie, my pretty rogue; O how jolly thou art, and how much am I bound to my gracious God, that hath been pleased to bestow on me a son, so fair, so spriteful, so lively, so smiling, so pleasant, and so gentle. Ho, ho, ho, ho, how glad I am? Let us drink, ho; and put away melancholy: bring of the best; rinse the glasses, lay the cloth, drive, out these dogs, blow this fire, light candles, shut that door there, cut this bread in sippets for brewis, send away these poor folks in giving them what they ask, hold my gown▪ I will strip myself into my doublet, (●n cuerpo) to make the Gossips merry, and keep them company.  
As he spoke this, he heard the Litanies and the mementoes of the Priests that carried his wife to be buried, upon which he left the good purpose he was in, and was suddenly ravished another way, saying, Lord God, must I again contrist myself? this grieves me; I am no longer young, I grow old, the weather is dangerous; I may perhaps take an ague, then shall I be foiled, if not quite undone; by the faith of a Gentleman, it were better to cry less, and drink more.  
My wife is dead, well, by G- (da jurandi) I shall not raise her again by my crying: she is well, she is in Paradise at least, if she be no higher: she prayeth to God for us, she is happy, she is above the sense of our miseries, nor can our calamities reach her: what though she be dead, must not we also die? the same debt which she hath paid, hangs over our heads; nature will require it of us, and we must all of us some day taste of the same sauce: let her pass then, and the Lord preserve the Survivors; for I must now cast about how to get another wife. But I will tell you what you shall do, (said he) to the Midwives in France called wise women (Where be the good folks? I cannot see them,) go you to my wife's interrement, and I will the while rock my son: for I find myself somewhat altered and distempered, and should otherways be in danger of falling sick: but drink one good draught first, you will be the better for it; and believe me upon mine honour, they at his request went to her burial and funeral obsequies: in the mean while, poor Gargantua staying at home, and willing to have somewhat in remembrance of her to be engraven upon her tomb, made this Epitaph in the manner as followeth.  
Dead is the noble Badebec,  
Who had a face like a Rebeck;  
A Spanish body, and a belly  
Of Switzerland, she died, I tell ye,  
In childbirth: pray to God, that her  
He pardon wherein she did err.  
Here lies her body, which did live  
Free from all vice, as I believe;  
And did decease at my bedside,  
The year and day in which should died.   

CHAP. IU.  
Of the Infancy of Pantagruel.  
I Find by the ancient Historiographers and Poets, that divers have been borne in this world, after very strange manners, which would be too long to repeat; read therefore the seventh chapter of Pliny, if you have so much leisure: yet have you never heard of any so wonderful as that of Pantagruel; for it is a very difficult matter to believe, how in the little time he was in his mother's belly, he grew both in body and strength. That which Hercules did, was nothing, when in his Cradle he slew two serpents; for those serpents were but little and weak: but Pantagruel being yet in the Cradle, did far more admirable things, and more to be amazed at, I pass by here the relation of how at every one of his meals he supped up the milk of four thousand and six hundred Cows: and how to make him a skellet to boil his milk in, there were set a work all the Braziers of Somure in Anjou, of Villedieu in Normandy, and of Bramont in Lorraine: and they served in this whitepot-meat to him in a huge great Bell, which is yet to be seen in the City of Bourge in Berrie, near the Palace; but his teeth were already so well grown, and so strengthened in vigour, that of the said Bell he bit off a great morsel, as very plainly doth appear till this hour.  
One day in the morning, when they would have made him suck one of his Cows, (for he never had any other Nurse, as the History tells us) he got one of his arms loose from the swaddling bands, wherewith he was kept fast in the Cradle, laid hold on the said Cow under the left fore ham, and grasping her to him, ate up her udder and half of her paunch, with the liver and the kidneys, and had devoured all up, if she had not cried out most horribly, as if the wolves had held her by the legs, at which noise company came in, and took away the said Cow from Pantagruel; yet could they not so well do it, but that the quarter whereby he caught her was left in his hand, of which quarter he gulped up the flesh in a trice, even with as much ease as you would eat a salcige; and that so greedily with desire of more, that when they would have taken away the bone from him, he swallowed it down whole, as a Cormorant would do a little fish; and afterwards begun fumblingly to say, Good, good, good, for he could not yet speak plain; giving them to understand thereby, that he had found it very good, and that he did lack but so much more; which when they saw that attended him, they bound him with great cableropes, like those that are made at Tain, for the carriage of salt to Lions; or such as those are, whereby the great French ship rides at Anchor, in the Road of Newhaven in Normandy. But on a certain time, a great Bear which his father had bred, got loose, came towards him, began to lick his face, for his Nurses had not throughly wiped his chaps, at which unexpected approach being on a sudden offended, he as lightly rid himself of those great cables, as Samson did of the haulser ropes wherewith the Philistines had tied him, and by your leave, takes me up my Lord the Bear, and tears him to you in pieces like a pullet, which served him for a gorge-ful or good warm bit for that meal.  
Whereupon Gargantua fearing lest the child should hurt himself, caused four great chains of iron to be made to bind him, and so many strong wooden arches unto his Cradle, most firmly stocked and mortaised in huge frames: of those chains you have one at Rochel, which they draw up at night betwixt the two great towers of the Haven: Another is at Lions: A third at Angiers: And the fourth was carried away by the devils to bind Lucifer, who broke his chains in those days, by reason of a colic that extraordinarily torment him, taken with eating a Sergeants soul fried for his breakfast, and therefore you may believe that which Nicolas de Lyra saith upon that place of the Psalter, where it is written, Et Og regem Basan, that the said Og being yet little, was so strong and robustious, that they were fain to bind him with chains of iron in his Cradle; thus continued Pantagruel for a while very calm and quiet, for he was not able so easily to break those chains, especially having no room in the Cradle to give a swing with his arms. But see what happened, once upon a great Holiday, that his father Gargantua made a sumptuous banquet to all the Princes of his Court: I am apt to believe, that the menial officers of the ho●se were so embusied in waiting each on his proper service at the feast, that no body took care of poor Pantagruel, who was left a reculorum, behinde-hand all alone, and as forsaken. What did he, Hark what he did? good people: he strove and essayed to break the chains of the Cradle with his arms but cooled not, for they were too strong for him: then did he keep with his feet such a stamping stir, and so long, that at last he beat out the lower end of his Cradle, which notwithstanding was made of a great post five foot in square: and assoon as he had gotten out his feet, he slid down as well as he could, till he had got his soles to the ground; and then with a mighty force he rose up, carrying his Cradle upon his back, bound to him like a Tortoise that crawls up against a wall; and to have seen him, you would have thought it had been a great Carack of five hundred ton upon one end. In this manner he entered into the great Hall, where they were banqueting, and that very boldly, which did much affright the company; yet because his arms were tied in, he could not reach any thing to eat, but with great pain stooped now and then a little, to take with the whole flat of his tongue some lick, good bit or morsel.  
Which when his father saw, he knew well enough that they had left him without giving him any thing to eat, and therefore commanded that he should be loosed from the said chains, by the counsel of the Princes and Lords there present: besides that, also the Physicians of Gargantua said, that if they did thus keep him in the Cradle, he would be all his life-time subject to the stone. When he was unchained they made him to sit down, where after he had fed very well, he took his Cradle, and broke it into more than five hundred thousand pieces with one blow of his fist, that he struck in the midst of it, swearing that he would never come into it again.   

CHAP. V.  
Of the Acts of the noble Pantagruel in his youthful age.  
THus grew Pantagruel from day to day, and to every one's eye waxed more and more in all his dimensions, which made his father to rejoice by a natural affection: therefore caused he to be made for him, whilst he was yet little, a pretty crossbow, wherewith to shoot at small birds, which now they call the great crossbow at Chantelle. Then he sent him to the school to learn, and to spend his youth in virtue: in the prosecution of which design he came first to Poitiers, where, as he studied and profited very much, he saw that the Scholars were oftentimes at leisure, and knew not how to bestow their time, which moved him to take such compassion on them, that one day he took from a long ledge of rocks: (called there P●sselourdin,) a huge great stone, of about twelve fathom square, and fourteen handfuls thick, and with great ease set it upon four pillars in the midst of a field, to no other end, but that the said Scholars when they had nothing else to do, might pass their time in getting up on that stone, and feast it with store of gammons, pasties and flagons, and carve their names upon it with a knife, in token of which deed, till this hour the stone is called the lifted stone: and in remembrance hereof there is none entered into the Register and matricular Book of the said University, or accounted capable of taking any degree therein, till he have first drunk in the Caballine fountain of Croustelles, passed at Passelourdin, and got up upon the lifted stone.  
Afterwards reading the delectable Chronicles of his Ancestors, he found that jafrey of Lusinian called jafrey with the great tooth, Grandfather to the Cousin in law of the eldest Sister of the Aunt of the Son in law of the Uncle of the good daughter of his Stepmother, was interred at Maillezais; therefore one day he took campos, (which is a little vacation from study to play a while,) that he might give him a visit as unto an honest man: and going from Poitiers with some of his companions, they passed by the Guge, visiting the noble Abbot Ardillon● then by Lusinian, by Sansay, by Cells, by Coalonges, by Fontenay the Conte, saluting the learned Taraqueau, and from thence arrived at Maillezais, where he went to see the Sepulchre of the said jafrey with the great tooth; which made him somewhat afraid, looking upon the pictute, whose lively draughts did set him forth in the representation of a man in an extreme fury, drawing his great Malchus falchion half way out of his scabbard: when the reason hereof was demanded, the Canons of the said place told him, that there was no other cause of it, but that Pictoribus atque Poetis, etc. that is to say, that Painters and Poets have liberty to paint and devise what they list after their own fancy: but he was not satisfied with their answer, and said, He is not thus painted without a cause; and I suspect that at his death there was some wrong done him, whereof he requireth his Kindred to take revenge: I will inquire further into it, and then do what shall be reasonable; then he returned not to Poitiers, but would take a view of the other Universities of France: therefore going to Rochel, he took shipping and arrived at Bourdeaux, where he found no great exercise, only now and then he would see some Mariners and Lightermen a wrestling on the key or strand by the riverside: From thence he came to Tholouse, where he learned to dance very well, and to play with the two-handed sword, as the fashion of the Scholars of the said University is to bestir themselves in games, whereof they may have their hands full: but he stayed not long there, when he saw that they did cause bury their Regent's alive, like red herring, saying, Now God forbid that I should die this death; for I am by nature sufficiently dry already, without heating myself any further.  
He went then to Monpellier, where he met with the good wives of Mirevaux, and good jovial company withal, and thought to have set himself to the study of Physic; but he considered that that calling was too troublesome and melancholic; and that Physicians did smell of glisters like old devils. Therefore he resolved he would study the laws; but seeing that there were but three scauld, and one bald-pated Legist in that place, he departed from thence, and in his way made the Bridge of Guard, and the Amphitheatre of Neems in less than three hours, which nevertheless seems to be a more divine than humane work. After that he came to Avignon, where he was not above three days before he fell in love; for the women there take great delight in playing at the close buttock-game, because it is Papal ground; which his Tutor and Pedagogue Epistemon perceiving, he drew him out of that place, and brought him to Valence in the Dauphinee, where he saw no great matter of recreation, only that the Lubbards of the Town did beat the Scholars, which so incensed him with anger, that when upon a certain very fair Sunday, the people being at their public dancing in the streets, and one of the Scholars offering to put himself into the ring to partake of that sport, the foresaid lubbardly fellows would not permit him the admittance into their society; He taking the Scholar's part, so belaboured them with blows, and laid such load upon them, that he drove them all before him, even to the brink of the river Rhosne, and would have there drowned them, but that they did squat to the ground, and there lay close a full half league under the river. The hole is to be seen there yet.  
After that he departed from thence, and in three strides and one leap came to Angiers, where he found himself very well, and would have continued there some space, but that the plague drove them away. So from thence he came to Bourges, where he studied a good long time, and profited very much in the faculty of the Laws: and would sometimes say, that the books of the Civil Law, were like unto a wonderfully precious, royal and triumphant robe of cloth of gold, edged with dirt; for in the world are no goodlier books to be seen, more ornate, nor more eloquent than the texts of the Pandects; but the bordering of them, that is to say, the gloss of Accursius is so scurvy, vile, base and unsavoury, that it is nothing but filthiness and villainy.  
Going from Bourges, he came to Orleans, where he found store of swaggering Scholars that made him great entertainment at his coming, and with whom he learned to play at tennis so well, that he was a Master at that game; for the Students of the said place make a prime exercise of it; and sometimes they carried him unto Cupid's houses of commerce (in that City termed Islands, because of ●heir being most ordinarily environed with other houses, and not contiguous to any,) there to recreate his person at the sport of Poussevant, which the wenches of London call the Ferkers in and in. As for breaking his head with overmuch study, he had an especial care not to do it in any case, for fear of spoiling his eyes; which he the rather observed, for that it was told him by one of his Teachers, (there called Regent's,) that the pain of the eyes was the most hurtful thing of any to the sight: for this cause when he one day was made a Licentiate, or Graduate in law, one of the Scholras of his acquaintance, who of learning had not much more than his burden, though in stead of that he could dance very well, and play at tennis, made the blazon and device of the Licentiates in the said University, saying,  
So you have in your hand a racket,  
A tennis-ball in your Cod-placket,  
A Pandect law in your Caps tippet,  
And that you have the skill to trip it  
In a low dance, you will b' allowed  
The grant of the Licentiates hood.   

CHAP. VI  
How Pantagruel met with a Limousin, who too affestedly did counterfeit the French Language.  
Upon a certain day, I know not when, Pantagruel walking after supper with some of his fellow-Students, without that gate of the City, through which we enter on the road to Paris, encountered with a young spruce-like Scholar that was coming upon the same very way; and after they had saluted one another, asked him thus; My friend, from whence comest thou now? the Scholar answered him: From the alme, inclyte and celebrate Academy, which is vocitated Lutetia. What is the meaning of this (said Pantagruel) to one of his men? It is (answered he) from Paris. Thou comest from Paris then (said Pantagruel,) and how do you spend your time there, you my Masters the Students of Paris? the Scholar answered, We transfretate the Sequan at the dilucul and crepuscul, we deambulate by the compites and quadrives of the Urb: we despumate the Latial verbocination: and like verisimilarie amorabons, we captat the benevolence of the omnijugal, omniform, and omnigenal feminine sex: upon certain diecules we invisat the Lupanares, and in a venerean extase inculcate our veretres, into the penitissime recesses of the pudends of these amicabilissim meretricules: then do we cauponisate in the meritory taberns of the pineapple, the castle, the magdalene, and the mule, goodly vervecine spatules perforaminated with petrocile; and if by fortune there be rarity, or penury of pecune in our marsupies; and that they be exhausted of ferruginean metal, for the shot we dimit our codices, and oppugnerat our vestments, whilst we prestolate the coming of the Tabellaries from the Penates and patriotick Lar: to which Pantagruel answered, What devilish language is this? by the Lord, I think thou art some kind of Heretic: My Lord, no, said the Scholar; for libentissimally assoon as it illucesceth any minutle slice of the day; I demigrate into one of these so well architected ministers; and there irrorating myself with fair lustral water; I mumble off little parcels of some missick precation of our sacrificuls: and submurmurating my horary precules, I elevate and absterge my anime from its nocturnal inquinations: I revere the Olympicols: I latrially venere the supernal Astripotent: ay dilige and redame my proxims: I observe the decalogical precepts; and according to the facultatule of my vires, I do not discede from them one late unguicule; nevertheless it is veriforme, that because Mammona doth not supergurgitate any thing in my loculs, that I am somewhat rare and lent to supererogate the elemosynes to thoseegents, that hostially queritate their stipe.  
Prut, tut, (said Pantagruel,) what doth this fool mean to say? I think he is upon the forging of some diabolical tongue, and that inchanter-like he would charm us; to whom one of his men said, Without doubt (Sir) this fellow would counterfeit the Language of the Parisians, but he doth only flay the Latin, imagining by so doing that he doth highly P●indarize it in most eloquent terms, and strongly conceiteth himself to be therefore a great Orator in the French, because he disdaineth the common manner of speaking; to which Pantagruel said, Is it true? the Scholar answered, My worshipful Lord, my genie is not apt nate to that which this flagitious Nebulon saith, to excoriate the cutule of our vernacular gallic, but viceversally I gnave opere, and by vele and rames enite to locupletate it, with the Latinicome redundance. By G— (said Pantagruel) I will teach you to speak: but first come hither, and tell me whence thou art? To this the Scholar answered: The primeval origin of my aves and ataves, was indigenarie of the Lemonick regions, where requiesceth the corpor of the hagiotat St. Martial; I understand thee very well (said Pantagruel,) when all comes to all, thou art a Limousin, and thou wilt here by the affected speech counterfeit the parisians: well now, come hither, I must show thee a new trick, and handsomely give thee the combfeat: with this he took him by the throat, saying to him, Thou flayest the Latin; by St. john I will make thee flay the fox; for I will now flay thee alive: then began the poor Limousin to cry; Haw, gwid Maaster, haw, Lord, my halp, and St. Marshaw, haw, I'm worried: haw, my thropple, the bean of my crag is bruck: haw, for gavads seck, lawt my lean, Mawster; waw, waw, waw: Now (said Pantagruel) thou speakest naturally, and so let him go, for the poor Limousin had totally bewrayed, and throughly conshit his breeches, which were not deep and large enough, but round street caniond gregs, having in the seat a piece like a keelings tail; and therefore in French called the chausses, à queüe de merlus. Then (said Pantagruel) St. Alipantiu, what civette? fi to the devil with this Turnepeater, as he stinks, and so let him go: but this hug of Pantagruels was such a terror to him all the days of his life, and took such deep impression in his fancy, that very often distracted with sudden affrightments, he would startle and say that Pantagruel held him by the neck; besides that it procured him a continual drought and desire to drink so that after some few years he died of the death Roland in plain English called thirst, a work of divine vengeance, showing us that which saith the Philosopher and Aulus Gellius, that it becometh us to speak according to the common language: and that we should (as said Octavian Augustus) strive to shun all strange and unknown terms with as much heedfulness and circumspection, as Pilots of ships use to avoid the rocks and banks in the sea.   

CHAP. VII.  
How Pantagruel came to Paris, and of the choice Books of the Library of St. Victor.  
AFter that Pantagruel had studied very well at Orleans, he resolved to see the great University at Paris; but before his departure, he was informed that there was a huge big bell at St. Anian in the said town of Orleans, under the ground, which had been there above two hundred and fourteen years; for it was so great that they could not by any device get it so much as above the ground, although they used all the means that are found in Vitruvius de Architectura, Albertus de re aedificatoria, Euclid, Theon, Archimedes, and Hero de ingeniis: for all that was to no purpose, wherefore condescending heartily to the humble request of the Citizens and Inhabitants of the said Town, he determined to remove it to the tower that was erected for it: with that he came to the place where it was, and lifted it out of the ground with his little finger, as easily as you would hav● done a Hawks bell, or Bell-wether tingle tangle: but before he would carry it to the foresaid tower or steeple appointed for it, he would needs make some Music with it about the Town, and ring it alongst all the streets, as, he carried it in his hand, wherewith all the people were very glad; but there happened one great inconveniency, for with carrying it so, and ringing it about the streets, all the good Orleans wine turned instantly, waxed flat, and was spoiled, which no body there did perceive till the night following; for every man found himself so altered, and a dry with drinking these flat wines, that they did nothing but spit, and that as white as Maltha cotton, saying: We have of the Pantagruel, and our very throats are salted. This done, he came to Paris with his retinue, and at his entry every one came out to see him, (as you know well enough, that the people of Paris is sottish by nature, by B. flat, and B. sharp,) and beheld him with great astonishment, mixed with no less fear, that he would carry away the Palace into some other country à remotis, and far from them, as his father formerly had done the great peal of Bells at our Lady's Church, to tie about his Mare's neck. Now after he had stayed there a pretty space, and studied very well in all the seven liberal Arts, he said it was a good town to live in, but not to die; for that the grave-digging rogues of St. Innocent, used in frosty nights to warm their bums with dead men's bones. In his abode there he found the Library of St. Victor, a very stately and magnific one, especially in some books which were there, of which followeth the Repertory and Catalogue; Et primò,  

The for Godsake of salvation.  
The Codpiece of the Law.  
The Slipshoe of the Decretals.  
The Pomegranate of vice.  
The Clew-bottom of Theologie.  
The Duster or foxtail-flap of Preachers, Composed by Turlupin.  
The churning Ballock of the Valiant:  
The Henbane of the Bishops.  
Marmoretus de baboonis & apis, cum Commento Dorbellis.  
Decretum Universitatis Parisiensis super gorgiasitate muliercularum ad placitum.  
The Apparition of Sancte Geltrud, to a Nun of Poissie, being in travel, at the bringing forth of a child.  
Ars honestè fartandi in societate per Marcum Corvinum.  
The mustard-pot of penance.  
The Gamashes, alias the boots of patience.  
Formicarium artium.  
De brodiorum usu, & honestate quartandi per Sylvestrem prioratem Jacobinum.  
The coosened, or gulled in Court.  
The Frail of the Scriveners.  
The Marriage-packet.  
The cruzie or crurible of Contemplation.  
The Flimflams of the Law.  
The Prickle of Wine.  
The Spur of Cheese.  
Ruboffatorium scolarium.  
Tartaretus de modo cacandi.  
The Bravades of Rome.  
Bricot de differentiis Browsarum.  
The tail-piece-cushion, or close-breech of Discipline.  
The cobbled Shoe of Humility.  
The Trevet of good thoughts.  
The Kettle of Magnanimity.  
The cavilling entanglements of Confessors.  
The Snatchfare of the Curates.  
Reverendi patris fratris Lubini provincialis Slabrardiae de gulpendis lardslicionibus libri tres.  
Pasquilli doctor is marmorei de capreolis cum artichoket a comedendis tempore Papali ab Ecclesia interdicto.  
The invention of the Holy Cross, personated by six wily Priests.  
The Spectacles of Pilgrims bound for Rome.  
Majoris de modo faciendi Puddinos.  
The Bagpipe of the Prelates.  
Beda de optimitate triparum.  
The complaint of the Barresters upon the reformation of Confites.  
The furred Cat of the Solicitors and Attorneys.  
Of pease and bacon cum Commento.  
The small vales or drinking money of the Indulgences.  
Praeclarissimi juris utriusque Doctoris Maistre pilloti, etc.  
Scrapfarthingi de botchandis glossaccursianae Trif●is repetitio enncidiluculissima  
Stratagemata francharchaeri de Baniolet.  
Carlbumpkinus de re militari cum figuris Tevoti.  
De usu & utilitate flayandi equos & equas authore Magistro nostro de quebecu.  
The sauciness of Countrey-Stuarts.  
M. N. Rostocostojan Bedanesse de mustarda post prandium servienda, libri quatuordecim apostillati per M. Vaurillonis.  
The covillage or wench-tribute of Promoters.  
Quaestio fubtilissima, utrum Chimaera in vacuo bombizant posset comedere secundas intentiones, & fuit debatuta per decem hebdomadas in Constlio Constantiensi.  
The bridle-champer of the Advocates.  
Smutchudlamenta Scoti.  
The rasping and hard-scraping of the Cardinals. De calcaribus removendis Decades undecim per M. Albericum de rosata.  
Ejusdem de castramentandis criminibus libri tres.  
The entrance of Antony de leve into the territories of Brasil.  
De peelandis aut unskinnandis blurrandisque Cardinalium mulis.  
The said Author's Apology against those who allege that the Pope's mule doth eat but at set times.  
Prognosticatio quae incipit Silvitriquebillobalata per M. N. the deep dreaming gull Zion.  
Bondarini Episcopi de emulgentiarum profectibus Aeneades novem, cum privilegio Papali ad triennium & postca non.  
The shitabranna of the maids.  
The bald arse or peeled breech of the widows.  
The cowl or capouch of the Monks.  
The mumbling devotion of the Celestine Friars.  
The passage-toll of beggarlinesse.  
The teeth-chatter or gum-didder of lubberly lusks.  
The paring-shovel of the Theologues.  
The drench-horne of the Masters of Arts.  
The scullions of Oleam the uninitiated Clerk.  
Magistri N. lickdishetis de garbellisiftationibus horarum canon carum libri quadriginta arsiversit atorium confratriarum incerto authore.  
The gulsgoatonie or rasher of Cormorants and ravenous feeders.  
The rammishnesse of the Spaniards supergivure gondigaded by Friar Indigo.  
The muttering of pitiful wretches.  
Dastardismus rerum Italicarum, authore Magistro Burnegad.  
R. Lu. llius de batisfolagiis Principum.  
Calibistratorium caffardiae, authore M. Jacobo hocstraten hereticometrâ.  
Codtickler de magistro nostrandorum magistro nostratorúmque beneventi librî octo galantissimi.  
The Crackarades of balists or stone-throwing Engines, contrepate Clerks, Scriveners, Brief-writers, Rapporters, and Papal Bull-dispatchers lately compiled by Regis.  
A perpetual Almanac for those that have the gout and the pox,  
Manera sweepandi fornacellos per Mag. ecciam.  
The shable or cimeterre of Merchants.  
The pleasures of the Monachal life.  
The hodgepodge of Hypocrites.  
The history of the Hobgoblins.  
The ragamuffianisme of the pensionary maimed soldiers.  
The gulling fibs and counterfeit shows of Commissaries.  
The litter of Treasurers.  
The juglingatorium of Sophisters.  
Antipericata metanaparbeuged amphisistationes toordieantium.  
The periwinkle of ballad-makers.  
The push-forward of the Alchemists.  
The niddie noddy of the sachel-loaded seekers by Friar Bindfastatis.  
The shackles of Religion.  
The racket of swag-waggers.  
The leaning-stock of old age.  
The muzzle of Nobility.  
The Apes pater noster.  
The Crickets and Hawks bells of Devotion.  
The pot of the Emberweeks.  
The mortar of the politic life.  
The flap of the Hermit's.  
The riding-hood or Monterg of the Penitentiaries.  
The trictrac of the knocking Friars.  
Blockheadodus de vita & honestate bragadochiorum.  
Lyrippii Sorbonici moralisationes per M. Lupoldum.  
The Carrier-horse-bells of Travellers.  
The bibbing of the tippling Bishops.  
Dolloporediones Doctorum Coloniensium adversus Reuclin.  
The Cymbals of Ladies.  
The Dungers' martingale.  
Whirlingfriskorum Chasemarkerorum per fratrem Crackwoodloguetis.  
The clouted patches of a stout heart.  
The mummery of the racket-keeping Robin-good-fellows.  
Gerson de auferibilitate Papae ab Ecclesia.  
The Catalogue of the nominated and graduated persons.  
Jo. Dyrebrodii de terribilitate excommunicationis libellus acephalos.  
Ingeniositas invocandi diabolos & diabolas per M. Guingolphum.  
The hotchpotch or gallimafree of the perpetually begging Friars.  
The morrish-dance of the Heretics.  
The whinings of Cajetan.  
Muddisnowt Doctoris cherubici de origine roughfootedarum & wryneckedorum ritibus libri septem.  
Sixty nine fat breviaries.  
The nightmare of the five orders of Beggars.  
The skinnery of the new start-ups extracted out of the fallow butt, incornifistibulated and plodded upon in the Angelic sum.  
The raver and idle talker in cases of conscience.  
The fat belly of the Precedents.  
The bafling flowter of the Abbots.  
Sutoris adversus eum qui vocaverat eum Slabsauceatorem, & quod slabsauceatores non sunt damnati ab Ecclesia.  
Cacatorium medicor●●m.  
The chimney-sweeper of Astrology.  
Campi clysteriorum per paragraph. C.  
The bumsquicbracker of Apothecaries.  
The kissebreech of chirurgery.  
justinianus de whiteleperotis tollendis.  
Antidotarium animae.  
Merlinus Coccaius de patria diabolorum.  
The Practice of iniquity by Cleuraunes sadden.  
The Mirror of baseness by Radnecu Waldenses.  
The ingrainedrogue by Dwarsencas Eldenu.  
The merciless Cormor an't by Hoxinidno the Jew.   
Of which Library some books are already printed, and the rest are now at the Press, in this noble City of Tubinge.   

CHAP. VIII.  
How Pantagruel being at Paris received letters from his father Gargantua, and the Copy of them.  
PAntagruel studied very hard, as you may well conceive, and profited accordingly; for he had an excellent understanding, and notable wit, together wtth a capacity in memory, equal to the measure of twelveoyle budgets, or butts of Olives. And as he was there abiding one day, he received a letter from his father in manner as followeth.  
Most dear son, amongst the gifts, graces and prerogatives, with which the Sovereign Plasmator God Almighty, hath endowed and adorned humane Nature at the beginning, that seems to me most singular and excellent, by which we may in a mortal estate attain to a kind of immortality, and in the course of this transitory life perpetuate our name and seed, which is done by a progeny issued from us in the lawful bonds of Matrimony: whereby that in some measure is restored unto us, which was taken from us by the sin of our first Parents, to whom it was said, that because they had not obeyed the Commandment of God their Creator, they should die, and by death should be brought to nought that so stately frame and Plasmature, wherein the man at first had been created.  
But by this means of seminal propagation, which continueth in the children what was lost in the Parents, and in the grandchildren that which perished in their fathers, and so successively until the day of the last judgement, when Jesus Christ shall have rendered up to God the Father his Kingdom in a peaceable condition, out of all danger and contamination of sin; for than shall cease all generations and corruptions, and the elements leave off their continual transmutations; seeing the so much desired peace shall be attained unto and enjoyed, and that all things shall be brought to their end and period; and therefore not without just and reasonable cause, do I give thanks to God my Saviour and Preserver, for that he hath enabled me to see my bald old age reflourish in thy youth: for when at his good pleasure, who rules and governs all things, my soul shall leave this mortal habitation; I shall not account myself wholly to die, but to pass from one place unto another: considering that in and by that I continue in my visible image living in the world, visiting and conversing with people of honour, and other my good friends, as I was wont to do: which conversation of mine, although it was not without sin, (because we are all of us trespassers, and therefore ought continually to beseech his divine Majesty, to blot our transgressions out of his memory) yet was it by the help and grace of God, without all manner of reproach before men.  
Wherefore if those qualities of the mind but shine in thee, wherewith I am endowed, as in thee remaineth the perfect image of my body, thou wilt be esteemed by all men to be the perfect guardian and treasure of the immortality of our name: but if otherwise, I shall truly take but small pleasure to see it, considering that the lesser part of me, which is the body, would abide in thee: and the best, to wit, that which is the soul, and by which our name continues blessed amongst men, would be degenerate and abastardised: This I do not speak out of any distrust that I have of thy virtue, which I have heretofore already tried, but to encourage thee yet more earnestly to proceed from good to better: and that which I now write unto thee, is not so much that thou shouldest live in this virtuous course, as that thou shouldest rejoice in so living and having lived, and cheer up thyself with the like resolution in time to come; to the prosecution and accomplishment of which enterprise and generous undertaking thou mayest easily remember how that I have spared nothing, but have so helped thee, as if I had had no other treasure in this world, but to see thee once in my life, completely well bred and accomplished, as well in virtue, honesty and valour, as in all liberal knowledge and civility: and so to leave thee after my death, as a mirror, representing the person of me thy father, and if not so excellent, and such indeed as I do wish thee, yet such in my desire.  
But although my deceased father of happy memory Grangousier, had bend his best endeavours to make me profit in all perfection and Political knowledge, and that my labour and study was fully correspondent to, yea, went beyond his desire: nevertheless, as thou mayest well understand, the time than was not so proper and fit for learning as it is at present, neither had I plenty of such good Masters as thou hast had; for that time was darksome, obscured with clouds of ignorance, and savouring a little of the infelicity and calamity of the Goths, who had, wherever they set footing, destroyed all good literature, which in my age hath by the divine goodness been restored unto its former light and dignity, and that with such amendment and increase of the knowledge, that now hardly should I be admitted unto the first form of the little Grammar-school-boyes: I say, I, who in my youthful days was, (and that justly) reputed the most learned of that age; which I do not speak in vain boasting, although I might lawfully do it in writing unto thee, in verification whereof thou hast the authority of Marcus Tullius in his book of old age, and the sentence of Plutarch, in the book entitled how a man may praise himself without envy: but to give thee an emulous encouragement to strive yet further.  
Now is it that the minds of men are qualified with all manner of discipline, and the old sciences revived, which for many ages were extinct: now it is, that the learned languages are to their pristine purity restored, viz. Greek, (without which a man may be ashamed to account himself a scholar,) Hebrew, Arabic, Chaldaean and Latin. Printing likewise is now in use, so elegant, and so correct, that better cannot be imagined, although it was found out but in my time by divine inspiration, as by a diabolical suggestion on the other side was the invention of Ordnance. All the world is full of knowing men, of most learned Schoolmasters, and vast Libraries: and it appears to me as a truth, that neither in Plato's time, nor Cicero's, nor Papinian's, there was ever such conveniency for studying, as we see at this day there is: nor must any adventure henceforward to come in public, or present himself in company, that hath not been pretty well polished in the shop of Minerva: I see robbers, hangmen, freebooters, tapsters, ostlers, and such like, of the very rubbish of the people, more learned now, than the Doctors and Preachers were in my time,  
What shall I say? the very women and children have aspired to this praise and celestial Manna of good learning: yet so it is, that in the age I am now of, I have been constrained to learn the Greek tongue, which I contemned not like Cato, but had not the leisure in my younger years to attend the study of it: and take much delight in the reading of Plutarch's Morals, the pleasant Dialogues of Plato, the Monuments of Pausanias, and the Antiquities of Athenaeus, in waiting on the hour wherein God my Creator shall call me, and command me to depart from this earth and transitory pilgrimage. Wherefore (my son) I admonish thee, to employ thy youth to profit as well as thou canst, both in thy studies and in virtue. Thou art at Paris, where the laudable examples of many brave men may stir up thy mind to gallant actions, and hast likewise for thy Tutor and Pedagogue the learned Epistemon, who by his lively and vocal documents may instruct thee in the Arts and Sciences.  
I intent, and will have it so, that thou learn the Languages perfectly: first of all, the Greek, as Quintilian will have it: secondly, the Latin; and then the Hebrew, for the holy Scripture-sake: and then the Chaldee and Arabic likewise, and that thou frame thy stile in Greek in imitation of Plato; and for the Latin, after Cicero, let there be no history which thou shalt not have ready in thy memory; unto the prosecuting of which design, books of cosmography will be very conducible, and help thee much. Of the liberal Arts of Geometry, Arithmetic and Music, I gave thee some taste when thou wert yet little, and not above five or six years old; proceed further in them, & learn the remainder if thou canst. As for Astronomy, study all the rules thereof, let pass nevertheless the divining and judicial Astrology, and the Art of Lullius, as being nothing else but plain abuses and vanities. As for the Civil Law, of that I would have thee to know the texts by heart, and then to confer them with Philosophy.  
Now in matter of the knowledge of the works of Nature, I would have thee to study that exactly, and that so there be no sea, river nor fountain, of which thou dost not know the fishes, all the fowls of the air, all the several kinds of shrubs and trees, whether in forests or orchards: all the sorts of herbs and flowers that grow upon the ground: all the various metals that are hid within the bowels of the earth: together with all the diversity of precious stones, that are to be seen in the Orient & South-parts of the world, let nothing of all these be hidden from thee. Then fail not most carefully to peruse the books of the Greek, Arabian and Latin Physicians, not despising the Talmudists and Cabalists; and by frequent Anatomies get thee the perfect knowledge of the other world, called the Microcosm, which is man: and at some hours of the day apply thy mind to the study of the holy Scriptures: first in Greek, the New Testament with the Epistles of the Apostles; and then the Old Testament in Hebrew In brief, let me see thee an Abyss, and bottomless pit of knowledge: for from hence forward, as thou growest great and becomest a man, thou must part from this tranquillity and rest of study, thou must learn chivalry, warfare, and the exercises of the field, the better thereby to defend my house and our friends, and to succour and protect them at all their needs against the invasion and assaults of evil doers.  
Furthermore, I will that very shortly thou try how much thou hast profited, which thou canst not better do, then by maintaining publicly Theses and Conclusions in all Arts, against all persons whatsoever, and by haunting the company of learned men, both at Paris and otherwhere. But because as the wise man Solomon saith, Wisdom entereth not into a malicious mind; and that knowledge without conscience is but the ruin of the soul, it behooveth thee to serve, to love, to fear God, and on him to cast all thy thoughts and all thy hope, and by faith form in charity to cleave unto him, so that thou mayest never be separated from him by thy sins. Suspect the abuses of the world: set not thy heart upon vanity; for this life is transitory, but the Word of the Lord endureth for ever. Be serviceable to all thy neighbours, and love them as thyself: reverence thy Preceptors: eat the conversation of those whom thou desirest not to resemble, and receive not in vain the graces which God hath bestowed upon thee: and when thou shalt see that thou hast attained to all the knowledge that is to be acquired in that part, return unto me, that I may see thee, and give thee my blessing before I die. My son, the peace and grace of our Lord be with thee. Amen.  
From Utopia the 17. day of the month of March. Thy father Gargantua.  
These letters being received and read, Pantagruel plucked up his heart, took a fresh courage to him, and was inflamed with a desire to profit in his studies more than ever, so that if you had seen him, how he took pains, and how he advanced in learning, you would have said that the vivacity of his spirit amidst the books, was like a great fire amongst dry wood, so active it was, vigorous and indefatigable.   

CHAP. IX.  
How Pantagruel found Panurge, whom he loved all his life-time.  
ONe day as Pantagruel was taking a walk without the City, towards St. Antony's Abbey, discoursing and philosophating with his own servants and some other Scholars, met with a young man of a very comely stature, and surpassing handsome in all the lineaments of his body, but in several parts thereof most pitifully wounded; in such bad equipage in matter of his apparel, which was but totters and rags, and every way so far out of order, that he seemed to have been a fight with mastiffe-dogs, from whose fury he had made an escape, or to say better, he looked in the condition wherein he then was, like an Apple-gatherer of the country of Perche.  
As far off as Pantagruel saw him, he said to those that stood by: Do you see that man there, who is a coming hither upon the road from Charanton-bridge? by my faith, he is only poor in fortune; for I may assure you, that by his Physiognomy it appeareth, that nature hath extracted him from some rich and noble race, and that too much curiosity hath thrown him upon adventures, which possibly have reduced him to this indigence, want and penury. Now as he was just amongst them, Pantagruel said unto him, Let me entreat you, (friend) that you may be pleased to stop here a little, and answer me to that which I shall ask you, and I am confident you will not think your time ill bestowed; for I have an extreme desire, (according to my ability) to give you some supply in this distress, wherein I see you are; because I do very much commiserate your case, which truly moves me to great pity; Therefore (my friend) tell me, who you are? whence you come? whither you go? what you desire? and what your name is? the companion answered him in the Dutch tongue, thus.  
Younker got geb euch gluck und heil; surwar lieber younker, ich las euch wissen das dar mich wungraft, ist ein arm und erbamlich ding, und wer wol darvon zusagen welches euch verdrusflich zuceten, und mer zuerzelen were, wiewol die Poeten und Oratores vortzeiten habengesagt in item sprichen: und sentenzen das die gedecktnus des ellendz und armut vortangs erlitten, ist ein grosser lust. My friend (said Pantagruel,) I have no skill in that gibberish of yours; therefore, if you would have us to understand you, speak to us in some other language; then did the drole answer him thus.  
Albarildim gotfano dechmin brin alabo dordio falbroth ringuam albaras; nin porthzadikin almucatin milko prin alelmin en thoth dalheben enfuim: kuthim alidum alkaim nimbroth deehoth porth min michais in endoch, pruch dal maisulum haul moth dansrihim lupaldas' in voldemoch. Nim her diavoth mnarbotim dal gousch palfrapin dutch imscoth pruch galeth dal chinon min foulchrich all conin buthathen doth dal prim. Do you understand none of this, said Pantagruel to the company? I believe (said Epistemon,) that this is the language of the Antipodes, and such a hard one that the devil himself knows not what to make of it. Then, said Pantagruel, Gossip, I know not if the walls do comprehend the meaning of your words, but none of us here doth so much as understand one syllable of them; then said my blade again.  
Signior mio voi vedete per essempio che la cornemusa non suona mai, se non ha il ventre pieno: cosi io pariment non vi so contare le mie fortune, se prima il tribulato ventre non ha la solita refectione: alquale è adviso che le ma●i e li denti abbi person il loro ordine naturale, e del tutto annichilati. To which Epistemon answered as much of the one as of the other, and nothing of either. Then said Panurge.  
Lard gestholb besuavirtuisbe intelligence: ass yi body scalbisbe natural reloth cholb suld osme petty have; for nature hass visse equaly maid bot fortune sum exaiti hesse andoyis deprevit: non yeless viviss mou virtiuss deprevit and virtuiss men decreviss for anon ye ladeniss non quid. Yet less said Pantagruel; then said my jolly Panurge.  
jona andie gaussa goussy etan beharda er remedio beharde ver sela ysser landa. Aubar es otoy yes nausu ey nessassu gourray proposiam ordine den. Non yssena bait facheria egabe gen herassy badea sadassu noura assia: Aram hon davan gualde cydassu nydassuna estou oussye ecvinausoury hin ere darstura eguy harm: Genicoa plasar vadu. Are you there (said Eudemon?) Genicoa, to this (said Carpalin) St. Trinian' s rammer unstitch you bum, for I had almost understood it. Then answered Panourge.  
Prug frest frinst sorgdmand strochdi dthds pag breleland gravot chavygni pomardiere rusth pkalldracg devinierapras. Nays: beville balmuch monach drupp deal meupplist rincq, drind dodelp up drow loch mine stzincq jald de vins' dear cordelis burr jocst stzampenards. Do you speak Christian (said Epistemon) or the Buffoon language, otherwise called patelinots? Nay, it is the puzlatory tongue (said another) which some call Lanternois. Then said Panurge.  
Her re je sprexe andeers gheen taele dan kersten tacle my dunct nochoans, all en seg je met e'en ubord, myven noot velaert glenouch bbat re beglere gheest my unyt bet mhet richeyt yet waer unje ghevoet mach zunch: To which answered Pantagruel, as much of that: then said Panurgic▪  
Sennor de tanto hablar yo soy cansado, porque supplico avuestra excellencia que mire alos precettos Evangelicos, para que elloes muevan vuestra excellencia a lo que es de consciencia, ysielloes no bastaren paramo ver vuesa excellencia apiedad, supplico que mire a la piedad natural, laqual yo ●reoque le mova, como es de razon, yconcesso, no digo mass? Truly (my friend) I doubt not but you can speak divers languages, but tell us that which you would have us to do for you in some tongue, which you conceive we may understand? then said the companion.  
Mine her, re●ndog ieg met ingen tongue talede; lyge some boeen, oeg usk wlig creatuer: mine clee bon och my me legioms mager heb xv duyfer ●alliguck lalig hwad thing mog meest behoff riteres, somaer sandeligh mad och dryck: hwar for forbar me regom lyder offuer megoch besael argyffua meg nogeth off haylketieg kad stir mine groe●ndes mach lygeruss son manned Cerbero en Souppesor setthr: soa schalfue loeffu● lenge oekyk salitgth: I think really (said Eusthenes) that the Goths spoke thus of old: and that, if it pleased God, we would all of us speak so with our tails. Then again said Panurge.  
Adonis seolom lechai inischar harob hall hebdeca ●imeherah thithé li kikar lehem: chauchar ub●aah aldonaicho néral: To which answered Epistemon, at this time have I understood him very well; for it is the Hebrew tongue most Rhetorically pronounced: Then again said the Gallant.  
Despota●in y● panagathe, do●risy mi ve artodotis, horasgar limo analis comenon eme athlios, ee ento metalieme ve eleis udamos, getis depar emu ha' vehre ce homos philology pandes homologositote logus te ce rehemetta petitta hyrpachin opote pragma asto pasi delon esti. Eust● garnancei monon logusin hina pragmata (him peri emphibetumen) me prophoros epiphenete: What? (said Carpalim) Pantagruels footman, it is Greek, I have understood him: and how? hast thou dwelled any while in Greece? Then said the drole again.  
Agonou dont oussys vous desdaignez algarou: now denfaron zamist vous mariston ulbrou, fousquez voubrol t●m bredaguez maupreton den goulhoust daguez daguez non croupies fost bardonnoffist nougrou: agou paston tol nalprissys hourtou los echatonous, prou dehougy● brol pany gouden bascrou noudous c●guons 〈◊〉 goul oustatouppassou? Me thinks I understand him (said Pantagruel) for either it is the language of my country of Utopia, or sounds very like it: and as he was about to have begun some purpose, the companion said,  
jam toties vos per sacra, perque deos deásque omnes obtesta●us sum, ut si quae vos pietas permovet, eg●statem meam solarem ni n●c hilum proficio clamans & ejulans: sinite, quaeso, sinite, viri impii, quò me fata vocant abite: nec ultrà vanis vestris interpellationibus obtundatis, memores veteris illius adagii, quo venter fameli●us auriculis carere dicitur. Well, my friend, (said Pantagruel) but cannot you speak French? that I can do (Sir) very well, (said the companion) God be thanked: it is my natural language and mother tongue: for I was borne and bred in my younger years in the garden of France, to wit, Touraine: Then (said Pantagruel) tell us what is your name, and from whence you are come; for by my faith, I have already stamped in my mind such a deep impression of love towards you, that if you will condescend unto my will, you shall not depart out of my company, and you and I shall make up another couple of friends, such as 〈◊〉 and Achates were; Sir, (said the companion) my true and proper christian name is Panurge, and now I come out of Turkey, to which country I was carried away prisoner at that time, when they went to Metelin with a mischief: and willingly would I relate unto you my fortunes, which are more wonderful than those of Ulysses were: but seeing that it pleaseth you to retain me with you, I most heartily accept of the offer, protesting never to leave you, should you go to all the devils in hell; we shall have therefore more leisure at another time, and a fitter opportunity wherein to report them; for at this present I am in a very urgent necessity to feed, my teeth are sharp, my belly empty, my throat dry, and my stomach fierce and burning: all is ready, if you will but set me to work, it will be as good as a balsamum for sore eyes, to see me gulch and raven it, for God's sake give order for it. Then Pantagruel commanded that they should carry him home, and provide him good store of victuals, which being done, he ate very well that evening, and (capon-like) went early to bed, then slept until dinnertime the next day, so that he made but three steps and one leap from the bed to the board.   

CHAP. X.  
How Pantagruel judged so equitably of a Controversy, which was wonderfully obscure and difficult: that by reason of his just decree therein, he was reputed to have a most admirable judgement.  
PAntagruel, very well remembering his father's letter and admonitions, would one day make trial of his knowledge. Thereupon in all the Carrefours, that is, throughout all the four quarters, streets and corners of the City, he set up Conclusions to the number of nine thousand seven hundred sixty and four, in all manner of learning, touching in them the hardest doubts that are in any science. And first of all, in the fodder-street he held dispute against all the Regent's or Fellows of Colleges, Artists or Masters of Arts, and Orators, and did so gallantly, that he overthrew them, and set them all upon their tails, he went afterwards to the Sorbone, where he maintained argument against all the Theologians or Divines, for the space of six weeks, from four a clock in the morning, until six in the evening, except an interval of two hours to refresh themselves, and take their repast: and at this were present the greatest part of the Lords of the Court, the Masters of Requests, Precedents, Counsellors, those of the Accounts, Secretaries, Advocates and others: as also the Sheriffs of the said town, with the Physicians and Professors of the canon-law; amongst which it is to be remarked, that the greatest part were stubborn jades, and in their opinions obstinate; but he took such course with them, that for all their Ergoes and fallacies, he put their backs to the wall, gravelled them in the deepest questions, and made it visibly appear to the world, that compared to him, they were but monkeys, and a knot of muffled calves: Whereupon, every body began to keep a bustling noise, and talk of his so marvellous knowledge, through all degrees of persons in both sexes, even to the very Laundresses, Brokers, Rostmeat-sellers, Penknife-makers and others, who, when he passed along in the street, would say, This is he; in which he took delight, as Demosthenes, the Prince of Greek Orators did, when an old crouching wife, pointing at him with her fingers, said, That is the man.  
Now at this same very time there was a process or suit in law, depending in Court between two great Lords, of which one was called my Lord Kissebreech, Plaintiff of one side, and the other my Lord Suckfist, Defendant of the other; whose Controversy was so high and difficult in Law, that the Court of Parliament could make nothing of it. And therefore by the Commandment of the King, there were assembled four of the greatest, and most learned of all the Parliaments of France, together with the great Council, and all the principal Regent's of the Universities, not only of France, but of England also and Italy, such as jason, Philippus-Decius, Petrus de Petronibus, and a rabble of other old Rabbinists: who being thus met together, after they had thereupon consulted for the space of six and forty weeks, finding that they could not fasten their teeth in it, nor with such clearness understand the case, as that they might in any manner of way be able to right it, or take up the difference betwixt the two aforesaid Parties, it did so grievously vex them, that they most villainously conshit themselves for shame. In this great extremity, one amongst them named Du Douhait, the learnedst of all, and more expert and prudent than any of the rest, whilst one day they were thus at their wit's end, all-to-be-dunced and philogrobolized in their brains, said unto them: We have been here (my Masters,) a good long space without doing any thingelse, then trifle away both our time and money, and can nevertheless find neither brim nor bottom in this matter; for the more we study about it, the less we understand therein, which is a great shame and disgrace to us, and a heavy burden to our consciences; yea such, that in my opinion we shall not rid ourselves of it without dishonour, unless we take some other course; for we do nothing but dote in our consultations.  
See therefore what I have thought upon: you have heard much talking of that worthy personage named Master Pantagruel, who hath been found to be learned above the capacity of this present age, by the proofs he gave in those great disputations, which he held publicly against all men: my opinion is, that we send for him, to confer with him about this business; for never any man will encompass the bringing of it to an end, if he do it not.  
Hereunto all the Counsellors and Doctors willingly agreed, and according to that their result having instantly sent for him, they entreated him to be pleased to canvas the process, and sift it throughly, that after a deep search and narrow examination of all the points thereof, he might forthwith make the report unto them, such as he shall think good in true and legal knowledge: to this effect they delivered into his hands the bags wherein were the Writs and Pancarts concerning that suit, which for bulk and weight were almost enough to lad four great covillard or stoned Asses; but Pantagruel said nnto them, Are the two Lords, between whom this debate and process is, yet living? it was answered him, Yes: To what a devil then (said he,) serve so many paltry heaps, and bundles of papers and copies which you give me? is it not better to hear their Controversy from their own mouths, whilst they are face to face before us, then to read these vile fopperies, which are nothing but trumperies, deceits, diabolical cozenages of Cepola, pernicious slights and subversions of equity? for I am sure, that you, and all those through whose hands this process hath past, have by your devices added what you could to it pro & contrain such sort, that although their difference perhaps was clear and easy enough to determine at first, you have obscured it, and made it more intricate, by the frivolous, sottish, unreasonable and foolish reasons, and opinions of Accursius, Baldus, Bartolus, de castro, de imola, Hippolytus, Panormo, Bertachin, Alexander, Curtius, and those other old Mastiffs, who never understood the least law of the Pandects, they being but mere blockheads & great tithe-calus, ignorant of all that which was needful for the understanding of the laws; for (as it is most certain) they had not the knowledge either of the Greek or Latin tongue, but only of the Gothick and Barbarian; the laws nevertheless were first taken from the Greeks, according to the testimony of Ulpian. l. poster. de origine juris, which we likewise may perceive by that all the laws are full of Greek words and sentences: and then we find that they are reduced into a Latin stile, the most elegant and ornate, that whole language is able to afford, without excepting that of any that ever wrote therein; nay, not of Sallust, Varo, Cicero, Seneca, Titus Livius, nor Quintilian: how then could these old dotards be able to understand aright the text of the laws, who never in their time had looked upon a good Latin book, as doth evidently enough appear by the rudeness of their stile, which is fitter for a Chimney-sweeper, or for a Cook or a Scullion, then for a Jurisconsult and Doctor in the Laws.  
Furthermore, seeing the Laws are excerpted out of the middle of moral and natural Philosophy, how should these fools have understood it, that have by G— studied less in Philosophy then my Mule? in respect of humane learning, and the knowledge of Antiquities and History, they were truly laden with those faculties as a toad is with feathers: and yet of all this the Laws are so full, that without it they cannot be understood, as I intent more fully to show unto you in a peculiar Treatise, which on that purpose I am about to publish. Therefore if you will that I take any meddling in this process; first, cause all these papers to be burnt: secondly, make the two Gentlemen come personally before me; and afterwards, when I shall have heard them, I will tell you my opinion freely without any feignednes or dissimulation whatsoever.  
Some amongst them did contradict this motion, as you know that in all companies there are more fools then wise men, and that the greater part always surmounts the better, as saith Titus Livius, in speaking of the Carthaginians: but the foresaid Du Dovet held the contrary opinion, maintaining that Pantagruel had said well, and what was right, in affirming that these records, bills of inquest, replies, rejoinders, exceptions, depositions, and other such diableries of truth-intangling Writs, were but Engines wherewith to overthrow justice, and unnecessarily to prolong such suits as did depend before them; and that therefore the devil would carry them all away to hell, if they did not take another course, and proceeded not in times coming according to the Prescripts of Evangelical and Philosophical equity. In fine, all the papers were burnt, and the two Gentlemen summoned and personally convented; at whose appearance before the Court, Pantagruel said unto them, Are you they that have this great difference betwixt you? Yes, (my Lord) said they: Which of you (said Pantagruel,) is the Plaintiff? It is I, said my Lord Kissebreech: Go to then, my friend, (said he) and relate your matter unto me from point to point, according to the real truth, or else (by cock's body) if I find you to lie so much as in one word, I will make you shorter by the head, and take it from off your shoulders, to show others by your example, that in justice and judgement men ought to speak nothing but the truth; therefore take heed you do not add nor impair any thing in the Narration of your case. Begin.   

CHAP. XI.  
How the Lords of Kissebreech and Suckfist did plead before Pantagruel without an Attorney.  
THen began Kissebreech in manner as followeth; My Lord, it is true, that a good woman of my house, carried eggs to the market to sell: Be covered, Kissebreech, said Pantagruel: Thanks to you, my Lord, said the Lord Kissebreech; but to the purpose, there passed betwixt the two tropicks, the sum of three pence towards the zenith, and a halfpenny, forasmuch as the Riphaean mountains had been that year oppressed with a great sterility of counterfeit gudgeons, and shows without substance, by means of the babbling tattle, and fond fibs, seditiously raised between the gibblegablers, and Accursian gibberish-mongers, for the rebellion of the Swissers, who had assembled themselves to the full number of the bum-bees, and myrmidons, to go a handsel-getting on the first day of the new year, at that very time when they give brewis to the oxen, and deliver the key of the coals to the Countrey-girles, for serving in of the oats to the dogs. All the night long they did nothing else (keeping their hands still upon the pot) but dispatch both on foot and horseback, leaden-sealed Writs or letters, (to wit, Papal Commissions commonly called Bulls,) to stop the boats: for the Tailors and Seamsters would have made of the stolen shreds and clippings a goodly sackbut to cover the face of the Ocean, which then was great with child of a potfull of cabbage, according to the opinion of the hay-bundle-makers: but the Physicians said, that by the Urine they could discern no manifest sign of the Bustards pace, nor how to eat double-tongued mattocks with mustard, unless the Lords and Gentlemen of the Court should be pleased to give by B. moll express command to the pox, not to run about any longer, in gleaning up of Coppersmiths and Tinkers; for the Jobernolls had already a pretty good beginning in their dance of the Brittishgig, called the estrindore, to a perfect diapason, with one foot in the fire, and their head in the middle, as good man Ragot was wont to say.  
Ha (my Masters.) God moderates all things, and disposeth of them at his pleasure, so that against unlucky fortune a Carter broke his frisking whip, which was all the wind-instrument he had: this was done at his return from the little paltry town, even then when Master Amitus of Cresseplots was licentiated, and had passed his degrees in all dullerie and blockishness, according to this sentence of the Canonists, Beati Dunces, quoniam ipsi stumblaverunt. But that which makes lent to be so high, by St. Fiacre of Bry, is for nothing else, but that the Pentecost never comes, but to my cost; yet on afore there ho, a little rain stills a great wind, and we must think so, seeing that the Sergeant hath propounded the matter so far above my reach, that the Clerks and Secondaries could not with the benefit thereof lick their fingers feathered with gaunders, so orbicularly, as they were wont in other things to do. And we do manifestly see, that every one acknowledgeth himself to be in the error, wherewith another hath been charged, reserving only those cases whereby we are obliged to take an ocular inspection in a perspective glass of these things, towards the place in the Chimney, where hangeth the sign of the wine of forty girths, which have been always accounted very necessary for the number of twenty panels and packsaddles of the bankrupt Protectionaries of five years' respite; howsoever at least he that would not let fly the fowl before the Cheesecakes, aught in law to have discovered his reason why not, for the memory is often lost with a wayward shooing: Well, God keep Theobald Mitain from all danger. Then said Pantagruel, Hold there: Ho, my friend, soft and fair, speak at leisure, and soberly without putting yourself in choler; I understand the case, go on. Now then (my Lord) said Kissebreech, the foresaid good woman, saying her gaudez and audinos, could not cover herself with a treacherous back blow, ascending by the wounds and passions of the privileges of the University: unless by the virtue of a warming-pan she had Angelically fomented every part of her body, in covering them with a hedge of garden-beds: then giving in a swift unavoidable thirst very near to the place where they sell the old rags, whereof the Painters of Flanders make greatuse, when they are about neatly to clap on shoes on grasshoppers, locusts, cigals, and such like flie-fowles, so strange to us, that I am wonderfully astonished why the world doth not lay, seeing it is so good to hatch.  
Here the Lord of Suckfist would have interrupted him and spoken somewhat, whereupon Pantagruel said unto him, St, by St. Antony's belly, doth it become thee to speak without command? I sweat here with the extremity of labour and exceeding toil I take to understand the proceeding of your mutual difference, and yet thou comest to trouble and disquiet me: peace, in the devil's name, peace, thou shalt be permitted to speak thy belly full, when this man hath done, and no sooner▪ Go on, (said he) to Kissebreech, speak calmly, and do not overheat yourself with too much haste.  
I perceiving then (said Kissebreech) that the pragmatical sanction did make no mention of it, and that the holy Pope to every one gave liberty to fart at his own ease, if that the blankets had no streaks, wherein the liars were to be crossed with a ruffianlike crew: & the rainbow being newly sharpened at Milan to bring forth larks, gave his full consent that the good woman should tread down the heel of the hipgut-pangs, by virtue of a solemn protestation put in by the little testiculated or codsted fishes, which to tell the truth, were at that time very necessary for understanding the syntax and construction of old boots. Therefore john Calf her Cousin gervais once removed with a log from the woodstack, very seriously advised her not to put herself into the hazard of quagswagging in the Lee, to be scoured with a buck of linen clothes, till first she had kindled the paper: this counsel she laid hold on, because he desired her to take nothing, and throw out, for Non de ponte vadit, qui cum sapientia cadit: matters thus standing, seeing the Masters of the chamber of Accounts, or members of that Committee, did not fully agree amongst themselves in casting up the number of the Almanie whistles, whereof were framed those spectacles for Princes, which have been lately printed at Antwerp: I must needs think that it makes a bad return of the Writ, and that the adverse Party is not to be believed, in sacer verbo dotis; for that having a great desire to obey the pleasure of the King, I armed myself from toe to top with belly furniture, of the soles of good venison-pasties, to go see how my grape-gatherers and vintagers had pinked and cut full of small holes their high coped-caps, to lecher it the better, and play at in and in. And indeed the time was very dangerous in coming from the Fair, in so far that many trained bowe-men were cast at the muster, and quite rejected, although the chimney-tops were high enough, according to the proportion of the windgalls in the legs of horses, or of the Malaunders, which in the esteem of expert Farriers is no better disease, or else the story of Ronypatifam, or Lamib audichon, interpreted by some to be the tale of a tub, or of a roasted horse, savours of Apocrypha, and is not an authentic history; and by this means there was that year great abundance throughout all the country of Artois, of tawny buzzing beetles, to the no small profit of the Gentlemen-great-stick-faggot-carriers, when they did eat without disdaining the cocklicranes, till their belly was like to crack with it again: as for my own part, such is my Christian charity towards my neighbours, that I could wish from my heart every one had as good a voice, it would make us play the better at the tennis and the baloon. And truly (my Lord) to express the real truth without dissimulation, I cannot but say, that those petty subtle devices, which are found out in the Etymologizing of patains, would descend more easily into the river of Seine, to serve for ever at the Miller's bridge upon the said water, as it was heretofore decreed by the King of the Canarrians, according to the sentence or judgement given thereupon, which is to be seen in the Registry and Records within the Clerk's office of this house.  
And therefore (my Lord) I do most humbly require, that by your Lordship there may be said and declared upon the case what is reasonable, with costs, damages, and interests. Then said Pantagruel, My friend, is this all you have to say? Kissebreech answered, Yes, (my Lord) for I have told all the tuautem, and have not varied at all upon mine honour in so much as one single word. You then, (said Pantagruel) my Lord of Suckfist, say what you will, and be brief, without omitting nevertheless any thing that may serve to the purpose.   

CHAP. XII.  
How the Lord of Suckfist pleaded before Pantagruel.  
THen began the Lord Suckfist in manner as followeth: My Lord, and you my masters, if the iniquity of men were as easily seen in categorical judgement, as we can discern flies in a milk-pot; the world's four Oxen had not been so eaten up with Rats, nor had so many ears upon the earth been nibbled away so scurvily; for although all that my adversary hath spoken be of a very soft and downy truth, in so much as concerns the Letter and History of the factum: yet nevertheless the crafty slights, cunning subtleties, sly cozenages, and little troubling entanglements are hid under the Rose-pot, the common cloak and cover of all fraudulent deceits  
Should I endure, that, when I am eating my pottage equal with the best, and that without either thinking or speaking any manner of ill, they rudely come to vex, trouble, and perplex my brains with that antic Proverb which saith, 
Who in his pottage-eating drink●, will not  
When he is dead and buried, see one jot.  and good Lady, how many great Captains have we seen in the day of battle, when in open field the Sacrament was distributed in lunchions of the sanctified bread of the Confraternity, the more honestly to nod their heads, play on the lute, and crack with their tails, to make pretty little platform leaps, in keeping level by the ground: but now the world is unshackled from the corners of the packs of Leycester. One flies out lewdly and becomes debauched, another likewise five, four and two, and that at such random, that if the Court take not some course therein, it will make as bad a season in matter of gleaning this year, as ever it made, or it will make goblets. If any poor creature go to the stoves to illuminate his muzzle with a Cow-shard, or to buy winter-boots, and that the Sergeants passing by, or those of the watch happen to receive the decoction of a clystere, or the fecal matter of a close-stool, upon their rustling-wrangling-clutter-keeping masterships, should any because of that make bold to clip the shillings and testers, and fry the wooden dishes? sometimes when we think one thing, God does another; and and when the Sun is wholly set, all beasts are in the shade: let me never be believed again, if I do not gallantly prove it by several people that have seen the light of the day.  
In the year thirty and six, buying a Dutch curtail, which was a middle sized horse, both high and short, of a wool good enough, and died in grain, as the Goldsmiths assured me, although the Notary put an &c. in it; I told really, that I was not a Clerk of so much learning as to snatch at the Moon with my teeth; but as for the Butter-firkin, where Vulcanian deeds and evidences were sealed, the rumour was, and the report thereof went currant, that salt-beefe will make one find the way to the wine without a candle, though it were hid in the bottom of a Collier's sack, and that with his drawers on he were mounted on a barbed horse furnished with a fronstal, and such arms, thighs and leg-pieces as are requisite for the well frying and broiling of a swaggering sauciness. Here is a sheep's head, and it is well they make a proverb of this, that it is good to see black Cows in burnt wood, when one attains to the enjoyment of his love. I had a consultation upon this point with my Masters the Clerks, who for resolution concluded in frisesomorum, that there is nothing like to mowing in the summer, and sweeping clean away in water, well garnished with paper, ink, pens and penknives of Lions upon the river of Rosne; dolopym dolopof, tarabin tarabas, tu● prut pish: for incontinently after that armour begins to smell of garlic, the rust will go near to eat the liver, not of him that wears it, and then do they nothing else but withstand others courses, and wry-neckedly set up their bristles against one another, in lightly passing over their afternoons sleep, and this is that which maketh salt so dear. My Lords, believe not, when the said good woman had with birdlime, caught the shovelar fowl, the better before a Sergeants witness, to deliver the younger sons portion to him, that the sheep pluck, or hog's haslet, did dodge and shrink back in the Usurer's purses, or that there could be any thing better to preserve one from the Cannibals, then to take a rope of onions, knit with three hundred turnips, and a little of a Calves Chaldern of the best allay that the Alchemists have: provided, that they daub and do over with clay, as also calcinate and burn to dust these pantofles, muf in muf out; Mouflin mouflard, with the fine sauce of the juice of the rabble rout, whilst they hide themselves in some petty moldwarphole, saving always the little slices of bacon, Now if the dice will not favour you with any other throw but ambesace, and the chance of three at the great end, mark well the ace, then take me your dame, settle her in a corner of the bed, and whisk me her up drille-trille there there, tourelouralala, which when you have done, take a hearty draught of the best, despicando grenovillibus, in despite of the frogs; whose fair course bebuskined stockings shall be set apart for the little green geese, or mewed goslings, which fattened in a coop, take delight to sport themselves at the wagtail game, waiting for the beating of the metal, and heating of the wax by the slavering drivellers of consolation.  
Very true it is, that the four oxen which are in debate, and whereof mention was made, were somewhat short in memory: nevertheless, to understand the gamme aright, they feared neither the Cormorant nor Mallard of Savoy, which put the good people of my country in great hope, that their children sometime should become very skilful in algorithm; therefore is it, that by a law rubric and special sentence thereof, that we cannot fail to take the wolf, if we make our hedges higher than the windmill, whereof somewhat was spoken by the Plaintiff. But the great Devil did envy it, and by that means put the high Duchess far behind, who played the devils in swilling down and tippling at the good liquor, trink mien herr, trink, trink, by two of my table-men in the corner-point I have gained the lurch; for it is not probable, nor is there any appearance of truth in this saying, that at Paris upon a little bridge the hen is proportionable: and were they as copped and high-crested as marish whoops, if veritably they did not sacrifice the Printers pumpet-balls at Moreb, with a new edge set upon them by text letters, or those of a swift-writing hand, it is all one to me, so that the head-band of the book breed not moths or worms in it. And put the case, that at the coupling together of the buckhounds, the little puppies should have waxed proud before the Notary could have given an account of the serving of his Writ by the Cabalistick Art, it will necessarily follow (under correction of the better judgement of the Court,) that six acres of meadow ground of the greatest breadth, will make three butts of fine ink, without paying ready money: considering that at the Funeral of King Charles, we might have had the fathom in open market for one and two, that is deuce a●e: this I may affirm with a safe conscience upon my oath of wool.  
And I see ordinarily in all good bagpipes, that when they go to the counterfeiting of the chirping of small birds, by swinging a broom three times about a chimney, and putting his name upon record, they do nothing but bend a crossbow backward, and wind a horn, if perhaps it be too hot, and that by making it fast to a rope he was to draw, immediately after the sight of the letters, the Cows were restored to him. Such another sentence after the homeliest manner was pronounced in the seventeenth year, because of the bad government of Louzefougarouse, whereunto it may please the Court to have regard. I desire to be rightly understood; for truly I say not, but that in all equity, and with an upright conscience, those may very well be dispossessed, who drink holy water, as one would do a weaver's shuttle, whereof suppositories are made to those that will not resign, but on the terms of ell and tell, and giving of one thing for another. Tunc (my Lords) quid juris pro minoribus? for the common custom of the salick law is such, that the first incendiary or firebrand of sedition, that flays the Cow, and wipes his nose in a full consort of music, without blowing in the Cobbler's stitches, should in the time of the nightmare sublimate the penury of his member by moss gathered when people are like to founder themselves at the mess at midnight, to give the estrapade to these white-wines of Anjou, that do the feat of the leg in lifting it (by horsemen called the Gambetta,) and that neck to neck, after the fashion of Brittany, (concluding as before with costs, damages and interests.  
After that the Lord of Suckfist had ended, Pantagruel said to the Lord of Kissebreech, My friend, have you a mind to make any reply to what is said? No, (my Lord) answered Kissebreech; for I have spoke all I intended, and nothing but the truth, therefore put an end for God's sake to our difference, for we are here at great charge.   

CHAP. XIII.  
How Pahtagruel gave judgement upon the difference of the two Lords.  
THen Pantagruel rising up, assembled all the Precedents, Counsellors and Doctors that were there, and said unto them: Come now (my Masters) you have heard (vivae vocis or aculo) the Controversy that is in question, what do you think of it? They answered him, We have indeed heard it, but have not understood the devil so much as one circumstance of the case; and therefore we beseech you unâ voce, and in courtesy request you, that you would give sentence as you think good, and ex nunc prout ex tunc, we are satisfied with it, and do ratify it with our full consents: Well, my Masters (said Pantagruel) seeing you are so pleased, I will do it: but I do not truly find the case so difficult as you make it: your paragraph Ca●on: the law Frater, the law Gallus, the law Quinque pedum, the law Vinum, the law Si Dominus, the law Mater, the law Mulier bona, the law Si quis, the law Pomponius, the law Fundi, the law Emptor, the law Praetor, the law Venditor, and a great many others are far more intricate in my opinion. After he had spoke this, he walked a turn or two about the hall, plodding very profoundly as one may think; for he did groan like an Ass, whilst they girth him too hard, with the very intensiveness of considering how he was bound in conscience to do right to both parties, without varying or accepting of persons. Then he returned, sat down, and began to pronounce sentence as followeth.  
Having seen, heard, calculated and well considered of the difference between the Lords of Kissebreech and Suckfist; the Court saith unto them, that in regard of the sudden quaking, shivering and hoariness of the flickermouse, bravely declining from the estival solstice, to attempt by private means the surprisal of toyish trifles in those, who are a little unwell for having taken a draught too much, through the lewd demeanour and vexation of the beetles, that inhabit the Diarodal climate of an hypocritical Ape on horseback, bending a crossbow backwards. The Plaintiff truly had just cause to calfet, or with Ockam to stop the chinks of the gallion, which the good woman blew up with wind, having one foot shod and the other bare, reimbursing and restoring to him low and stiff in his conscience, as many bladder-nuts and wild pistaches as there is of hair in eighteen Cows, with as much for the embroiderer, and so much for that. He is likewise declared innocent of the case privileged from the Knapdardies, into the danger whereof it was thought he had incurred; because he could not jocundly and with fullness of freedom untruss and dung, by the decision of a pair of gloves perfumed with the sent of bum-gunshot, at the walnut-tree taper, as is usual in his country of Mirobalois. Slacking therefore the topsail, and letting go the boulin with the brazen bullets, where with the Mariners did by way of protestation bake in paste-meat, great store of pulse, interquilted with the dormouse, whose hawks bells were made with a puntinaria, after the manner of Hungary or Flanders lace, and which his brother in law carried in a Panier, lying near to three chevrons or bordered gueules, whilst he was clean out of heart, drooping and crestfallen by the too narrow sifting, canvasing, and curious examining of the matter, in the angulary dog-hole of nasty scoundrels, from whence we shoot at the vermiformal popinjay, with the flap made of a foxtaile.  
But in that he chargeth the Defendant, that he was a botcher, cheese-eater, and trimmer of man's flesh imbalmed, which in the arsiversie swagfall tumble was not found true, as by the Defendant was very well discussed.  
The Court therefore doth condemn and amerce him in three porringers of curds, well cemented and closed together, shining like pearls, and Codpieced after the fashion of the Country, to be paid unto the said Defendant, about the middle of August in May: but on the other part the Defendant shall be bound to furnish him with hay and stubble, for stopping the caltrops of his throat, troubled and impulregafized, with gabardines garbeled shufflingly, and friends as before, without costs and for cause.  
Which sentence being pronounced, the two Parties departed both contented with the decree, which was a thing almost incredible; for it never came to pass since the great rain, nor shall the like occur in thirteen jubilees hereafter, that two Parties contradictorily contending in judgement, be equally satisfied and well pleased with the definitive sentence. As for the Counsellors, & other Doctors in the law, that were there present, they were all so ravished with admiration at the more than humane wisdom of Pantagruel, which they did most clearly perceive to be in him, by his so accurate decision of this so difficult and thorny cause, that their spirits, with the extremity of the rapture, being elevated above the pitch of actuating the organs of the body, they fell into a trance and sudden ecstasy, wherein they stayed for the space of three long hours, and had been so as yet in that condition, had not some good people fetched store of vinegar and rose-water, to bring them again unto their former sense and understanding, for the which God be praised every where; And so be it.   

CHAP. XIV.  
How Panurge related the manner how he escaped out of the hands of the Turks.  
THe great wit and judgement of Pantagruel, was immediately after this made known unto all the world, by setting forth his praises in print, and putting upon record this late wonderful proof he hath given thereof amongst the Rolls of the Crown, and Registers of the Palace, in such sort, that every body began to say, that Solomon, who by a probable guests only, without any further certainty, caused the child to be delivered to its own mother, showed never in his time such a Masterpiece of wisdom, as the good Pantagruel hath done; happy are we therefore that have him in our Country. And indeed they would have made him thereupon Master of the Requests, and Precedent in the Court: but he refused all, very graciously thanking them for their offer, for (said he) there is too much slavery in these offices, and very hardly can they be saved that do exercise them, considering the great corruption that is amongst men: which makes me believe, if the empty seats of Angels be not filled with other kind of people than those, we shall not have the final judgement these seven thousand sixty and seven jubilees yet to come; and so Cusanus will be deceived in his conjecture: Remember that I have told you of it, and given you fair advertisement in time and place convenient.  
But if you have any hogsheads of good wine, I willingly will accept of a present of that, which they very heartily did do, in sending him of the best that was in the City, and he drank reasonably well, but poor Panurge bibbed and bowsed of it most villainously, for he was as dry as a red-herring, as lean as a rake, and like a poor, lank, slender cat, walked gingerly as if he had trod upon eggs: so that by some one being admonished, in the midst of his draught of a large deep bowl, full of excellent Claret, with these words, Fair and softly, Gossip, you suck up as if you were mad: I give thee to the devil, (said he) thou hast not found here thy little tippling sippers of Paris, that drink no more than the little bird called a spink or chaffinch, and never take in their beak full of liquor, till they be bobbed on the tails after the manner of the sparrows. O companion, if I could mount up as well as I can get down, I had been long ere this above the sphere of the Moon with Empedocles. But I cannot tell what a devil this means. This wine is so good and delicious, that the more I drink thereof, the more I am athirst; I believe that the shadow of my Master Pantagruel, engendereth the altered and thirsty men, as the Moon doth the catarrhs and defluxions; at which word the company began to laugh: which Pantagruel perceiving, said, Panurge What is that which moves you to laugh so? Sir, said he, I was telling them that these devilish Turks are very unhappy, in that they never drink one drop of wine, and that though there were no other harm in all Mahomet's Alcoran, yet for this one base point of abstinence from wine, which therein is commanded, I would not submit myself unto their law. But now tell me, (said Pantagruel) how you escaped out of their hands. By G—Sir (said Panurge) I will not lie to you in one word.  
The rascally Turks had broached me upon a spit all larded like a rabbit, (for I was so dry and meager, that otherwise of my flesh they would have made but very bad meat) and in this manner began to roast me alive. As they were thus roasting me, I recommended myself unto the divine grace, having in my mind the good St. Laurence, and always hoped in God that he would deliver me out of this torment, which came to pass, and that very strangely; for as I did commit myself with all my heart unto God, crying, Lord God help me, Lord God save me, Lord God take me out of this pain and hellish torture, wherein these traitorous dogs detain me for my sincerity in the maintenance of thy law: the roster or turn-spit fell asleep by the divine will, or else by the virtue of some good Mercury, who cunningly brought Argus into a sleep for all his hundred eyes: when I saw that he did no longer turn me in roasting, I looked upon him, and perceived that he was fast asleep, then took I up in my teeth a firebrand by the end where it was not burnt, and cast it into the lap of my roaster, and another did I throw as well as I could under a field-couche, that was placed near to the chimney, wherein was the straw-bed of my Master turnspit; presently the fire took hold in the straw, and from the straw to the bed, and from the bed to the loft, which was planked and seeled with fir, after the fashion of the foot of a lamp: but the best was, that the fire which I had cast into the lap of my paltry roaster, burned all his groin, and was beginning to cease upon his cullions, when he became sensible of the danger, for his smelling was not so bad, but that he felt it sooner than he could have seen daylight: then suddenly getting up, and in a great amazement running to the window, he cried out to the streets as high as he could, dalbaroth, dalbaroth, dalbaroth, which is as much to say as, Fire, fire, fire: incontinently turning about, he came straight towards me, to throw me quite into the fire, and to that effect had already cut the ropes, wherewith my hands were tied, and was undoing the cords from off my feet; when the Master of the house hearing him cry, Fire, and smelling the smoke from the very street where he was walking with some other Baashaws and Mustapha's, ran with all the speed he had to save what he could, and to carry away his Jewels; yet such was his rage (before he could well resolve how to go about it,) that he caught the broach whereon I was spitted, and therewith killed my roaster stark dead, of which wound he died there for want of government or otherwise; for he ran him in with the spit a little above the navel, towards the right flank, till he pierced the third lappet of his liver, and the blow flaunting upwards from the midriff or diaphragme, through which it had made penetration, the spit past athwart the pericardium, or capsule of his heart, and came out above at his shoulders, betwixt the spondyls or turning joints of the chine of the back, and the left homoplat, which we call the shoulderblade.  
True it is, (for I will not lie,) that in drawing the spit out of my body, I fell to the ground near unto the Andirons, and so by the fall took some hurt, which indeed had been greater, but that the lardons, or little slices of bacon, wherewith I was stuck, kept off the blow. My Baashaw then seeing the case to be desperate, his house burnt without remission, and all his goods lost, gave himself over unto all the devils in hell, calling upon some of them by their names, Gringoth, Astaroth, Rappalus, and Gribovillis, nine several times, which when I saw, I had above six pence worth of fear, dreading that the devils would come even then to carry away this fool, and seeing me so near him would perhaps snatch me up too: I am already (thought I) half roasted, and my lardons, will be the cause of my mischief; for these devils are very lickorous of lardons, according to the authority which you have of the Philosopher jamblicus and Murmault, in the Apology of Bossuris, adulterated pro magistros nostros: but for my better security I made the sign of the Cross; crying, Hageos, athanatos, hotheos, and none came: at which my rogue Baashaw being very much aggrieved, would in transpiercing his heart with my spit have killed himself; and to that purpose had set it against his breast, but it could not enter, because it was not sharp enough; whereupon I perceiving that he was not like to work upon his body the effect which he intended, although he did not spare all the force he had to thrust it forward, came up to him and said, Master Bugrino, thou dost here but trifle away thy time; or rashly lose it, for thou wilt never kill thyself thus as thou dost: well thou mayest hurt or bruise somewhat within thee, so as to make thee languish all thy life-time most pitifully amongst the hands of the Surgeons; but if thou wilt be counselled by me, I will kill thee clear outright, so that thou shalt not so much as feel it, and trust me, for I have killed a great many others, who have found themselves very well after it: Ha, my friend, said he, I prithee do so, and for thy pains I will give thee my Codpiece, take, here it is, there are six hundred Seraphs in it, and some fine Diamonds, and most excellent Rubies. And where are they (said Epistemon?) By St. john (said Panurge) they are a good way hence, if they always keep going: but where is the last year's snow? this was the greatest care that Villon the Parisien Poet took. Make an end (said Pantagruel) that we may know how thou didst dress thy Baashaw: By the faith of an honest man (said Panurge) I do not lie in one word, I swaddled him in a scurvy swathel-binding, which I found lying there half burnt, and with my cords tied him royster-like both hand and foot, in such sort that he was not able to winse; then past my spit through his throat, and hanged him thereon, fastening the end thereof at two great hooks or cramp-irons, upon which they did hang their Halberds; and then kindling a fair fire under him, did flame you up my Milourt, as they use to do dry herrings in a chimney: with this, taking his budget, and a little javelin that was upon the foresaid hooks, I ran away a fair gallop-rake, and God he knows how I did smell my shoulder of mutton.  
When I was come down into the street, I found every body come to put out the fire with store of water, and seeing me so halfe-roasted, they did naturally pity my case, and threw all their water upon me, which by a most joyful refreshing of me, did me very much good: then did they present me with some victuals, but I could not eat much, because they gave me nothing to drink but water after their fashion. Other hurt they did me none, only one little villainous Turkey knobbreasted rogue, came thiefteously to snatch away some of my lardons, but I gave him such a sturdy thump and sound rap on the fingers, with all the weight of my javelin, that he came no more the second time. Shortly after this, there came towards me a pretty young Corinthian wench, who brought me a box full of Conserves, of round Mirabolan plums, called Emblicks, and looked upon my poor Robin with an eye of great compassion, as it was fleabitten and pinked with the sparkles of the fire from whence it came, for it reached no further in length, (believe me) than my knees; but note, that this roasting cured me entirely of a Sciatick, whereunto I had been subject above seven years before, upon that side, which my roaster, by falling asleep, suffered to be burnt.  
Now whilst they were thus busy about me, the fire triumphed, never ask, How? for it took hold on above two thousand houses, which one of them espying, cried out, saying, By Mahooms belly all the City is on fire, and we do neve rthelesse stand gazing here, without offering to make any relief: upon this every one ran to save his own; for my part, I took my way towards the gate. When I was got upon the knap of a little hillock, not far off, I turned me about as did Lot's wife, and looking back, saw all the City burning in a fair fire, whereat I was so glad, that I had almost beshit myself for joy: but God punished me well for it: How? said Pantagruel: Thus, said Panurge; for when with pleasure I beheld this jolly fire, jesting with myself, and saying, Ha poor flies, ha poor mice, you will have a bad winter of it this year, the fire is in your reeks, it is in your bedstraw, out came more than six, yea more than thirteen hundred and eleven dogs great and small, altogether out of the town, flying away from the fire; at the first approach they ran all upon me, being carried on by the sent of my lecherous half-roasted flesh, and had even then devoured me in a trice, if my good Angel had not well inspired me with the instruction of a remedy, very sovereign against the toothache. And wherefore (said Pantagruel) wert thou afraid of the toothache, or pain of the teeth? wert thou not cured of thy Rheums? By Palme-sunday, (said Panurge) is there any greater pain of the teeth, then when the dogs have you by the legs? but on a sudden, (as my good Angel directed me) I thought upon my lardons, and threw them into the midst of the field amongst them: then did the dogs run, and fight with one another at fair teeth, which should have the lardons: by this means they left me, and I left them also bustling with, and haring one another. Thus did I escape frolic and lively, gramercy roastmeat and cookery.   

CHAP. XV.  
How Panurge showed a very new way to build the walls of Paris.  
PAntagruel one day to refresh himself of his study, went a walking towards St. Marcels suburbs, to see the extravagancy of the Gobeline building, and to taste of their spiced bread. Panurge was with him, having always a flagon under his gown, and a good slice of a gammon of bacon; for without this he never went, saying, that it was as a Yeoman of the guard to him, to preserve his body from harm, other sword carried he none: and when Pantagruel would have given him one, he answered; that he needed none, for that it would but heat his milt. Yea but (said Epistemon) if thou shouldest be set upon, how wouldst thou defend thyself? With great buskinades or brodkin blows, answered he, provided thursts were forbidden. At their return, Panurge considered the walls of the City of Paris, and in derision said to Pantagruel, See what fair walls here are! O how strong they are, and well fitted to keep geese in a move or coop to fatten them! by my beard they are competently scurvy for such a City as this is; for a Cow with one fart would go near to overthrow above six fathoms of them. O my friend (said Pantagruel) dost thou know what Agesilaus said, when he was asked, Why the great City of Lacedaemon was not enclosed with walls? Lo here (said he) the walls of the City, in showing them the inhabitants and Citizens thereof, so strong, so well armed, and so expert in military discipline; signifying thereby, that there is no wall but of bones; and that Towns and Cities cannot have a surer wall, nor better fortification than the prowess and virtue of the Citizens and Inhabitants; so is this City so strong, by the great number of warlike people that are in it, that they care not for making any other walls. Besides, whosoever would go about to wall it, as Strasbourg, Orleans or Ferrara, would find it almost impossible, the cost and charges would be so excessive. Yea, but (said Panurge) it is good nevertheless to have an outside of stone, when we are invaded by our enemies, were it but to ask, Who is below there? As for the enormous expense, which you say would be needful for undertaking the great work of walling this City about, if the Gentlemen of the Town will be pleased to give me a good rough cup of wine, I will show them a pretty, strange and new way how they may build them good cheap. How (said Pantagruel?) Do not speak of it then (answered Panurge,) and I will tell it you. I see that the s●ne quo none, killibistris, or contrapunctums of the women of this Country, are better cheap than stones: of them should the walls be built, ranging them in good symmetry by the rules of Architecture, and placing the largest in the first ranks, then sloping downwards ridgewayes, like the back of an Ass, the middle sized ones must be ranked next, and last of all the least and smallest. This done, there must be a fine little interlacing of them, like points of Diamonds, as is to be seen in the great Tower of Bourges, with a like number of the nudinnudoes, nilnisistandoes, and stiff bracmards, that dwell in amongst the claustral Codpieces. What devil were able to overthrow such walls? there is no metal like it to resist blows, in so far that if Culverin-shot should come to grease upon it, you would incontinently see distil from thence the blessed fruit of the great pox, as small as rain: beware in the name of the devils, and hold off; furthermore, no thunderbolt or lightning would fall upon it, for why? they are all either blessed or consecrated: I see but one inconveniency in it: Ho, ho, ha, ha, ha (said Pantagruel,) and what is that? It is that the flies would be so liquorish of them, that you would wonder, and would quickly gather there together, and there leave their ordure and excretions, and so all the work would be spoiled. But see how that might be remedied, they must be wiped and made rid of the flies with fair fox-tails, or good great vi●dazes (which are Asse-pizzles) of Provence. And to this purpose I will tell you (as we go to supper,) a brave example set down by Frater Lubinus libro de compotationibus mendicantium; in the time that the beasts did speak, which is not yet three days since.  
A poor Lion, walking through the fortest of Bieure, and saying his own little private devotions, passed under a tree, where there was a roguish Collier gotten up to cut down wood, who seeing the Lion, cast his hatchet at him, and wounded him enormously in one of his legs, whereupon the Lion halting, he so long toiled and turmoiled himself in roaming up and down the forest to find help, that at last he met with a Carpenter, who willingly looked upon his wound, cleansed it as well as he could, and filled it with moss, telling him that he must wipe his wound well, that the flies might not do their excrements in it, whilst he should go search for some yarrow or millefoile, commonly called the Carpenter's herb. The Lion being thus healed, walked along in the forest, at what time a sempiternous Crone and old Hag, was picking up, and gathering some sticks in the said forest, who seeing the Lion coming towards her, for fear fell down backwards, in such sort, that the wind blew up her gown, coats and smock even as far as above her shoulders; which the Lion perceiving, for pity ran to see whether she had taken any hurt by the fall, and thereupon considering her how do you call it, said, O poor woman, who hath thus wounded thee? which words when he had spoken, he espied a fox, whom he called to come to him, saying, Gossip Renard, have, hither, hither, and for cause: when the fox was come, he said unto him, My gossip and friend, they have hurt this good woman here between the legs most villainously, and there is a manifest solution of continuity, see how great a wound it is, even from the tail up to the navel, in measure four, nay full five handfuls and a half; this is the blow of an hatchet, I doubt me it is an old wound, and therefore that the flies may not get into it, wipe it lustily well and hard; I prithee, both within and without; thou hast a good tail and long, wipe, my friend, wipe, I beseech thee, and in the mean while I will go get some moss to put into it; for thus ought we to succour and help one another, wipe it hard, thus, my friend, wipe it well, for this wound must be often wiped, otherwise the Party cannot be at ease: go to, wipe well, my little gossip, wipe, God hath furnished thee with a tail, thou hast a long one, and of a bigness proportionable, wipe hard and be not weary. A good wiper, who in wiping continually, wipeth with his wipard, by wasps shall never be wounded: wipe, my pretty minion, wipe, my little bully, I will not stay long. Then went he to get store of moss; and when he was a little way off, he cried out in speaking to the fox thus, Wipe well still, gossip, wipe, and let it never grieve thee to wipe well, my little gossip, I will put thee into service to be wiper to Don Pedro de Castille, wipe, only wipe, and no more: the poor fox wiped as hard as he could, here and there, within and without: but the false old trot did so fizzle and fist, that she stunk like a hundred devils, which put the poor fox to a great de●l of ill ease, for he knew not to what side to turn himself, to escape the unsavoury perfume of this old woman's postern blasts, and whilst to that effect he was shifting hither and thither, without knowing how to shun the annoyance of those unwholesome gusts, he saw that behind there was yet another hole, not so great as that which he did wipe, out of which came this filthy and infectious air. The Lion at last returned, bringing with him of moss more than eighteen packs would hold, and began to put into the wound, with a staff that which he had provided for that purpose, and had already put in full sixteen packs and a half, at which he was amazed: What a devil? (said he) this wound is very deep, it would hold above two cartload of moss. The fox perceiving this, said unto the Lion, O gossip Lion, my friend, I pray thee do not put in all thy moss there, keep somewhat; for there is yet here another little hole, that stinks like five hundred devils; I am almost choked with the smell thereof, it is so pestiferous and impoisoning.  
Thus must these walls be kept from the flies, and wages allowed to some for wiping of them. Then said Pantagruel, How dost thou know that the privy parts of women are at such a cheap rate? for in this City there are many virtuous, honest and chaste women besides the maids: Et ubi prenus, said Panurge? I will give you my opinion of it, and that upon certain and assured knowledge. I do not brag that I have bombasted four hundred and seventeen, since I came into this City, though it be but nine days ago: but this very morning I met with a good fellow, who in a wallet, such as Aesop's was, carried two little girls of two or three years old at the most, one before, and the other behind: he demanded alms of me, but I made him answer, that I had more cod than pence; afterwards I asked him, Good man, these two girls are they maids? Brother, said he, I have carried them thus these two years, and in regard of her that is before, whom I see continually, in my opinion she is a Virgin, nevertheless I will not put my finger in the fire for it; as for her that is behind, doubtless I can say nothing. Indeed (said Pantagruel) thou art a gentile companion, I will have thee to be apparelled in my livery, and therefore caused him to be clothed most gallantly according to the fashion that then was, only that Panurge would have the Codpiece of his breeches three foot long, and shape square, not round, which was done and was well worth the seeing. Oftentimes was he wont to say that the world had not yet known the emolument and utility that is in wearing great Codpieces; but time would one day teach it them, as all things have been invented in time. God keep from hurt (said he) the good fellow whose long Codpiece or Braguet hath saved his life: God keep from hurt him, whose long Braguet hath been worth to him in one day, one hundred threescore thousand and nine Crowns: God keep from hurt him, who by his long Braguet hath saved a whole City from dying by famine. And by G— I will make a book of the commodity of long Braguets, when I shall have more leisure. And indeed he composed a fair great book with figures, but it is not printed as yet that I know of.   

CHAP. XVI.  
Of the qualities and conditions of Panurge.  
PAnurge was of a middle stature, not too high, nor too low, and had somewhat an Aquiline nose, made like the handle of a razor: he was at that time five and thirty years old or thereabouts, fine to gild like a leaden dagger; for he was a notable cheater and coney-catcher, he was a very gallant and proper man of his person, only that he was a little lecherous, and naturally subject to a kind of disease, which at that time they called lack of money: it is an incomparable grief, yet notwithstanding he had chreescore and three tricks to come by it at his need, of which the most honourable and most ordinary was in manner of thieving, secret purloining and filching; for he was a wicked lewd rogue, a cosener, drinker, roister, rover, and a very dissolute and debautched fellow, if there were any in Paris; otherwise, and in all matters else, the best and most virtuous man in the world: and he was still contriving some plot, and devising mischief against the Sergeants and the watch.  
At one time he assembled three or four especial good hackster's and roaring boys, made them in the evening drink like Templars, afterwards led them till they came under St. Genevieve, or about the College of Navarre, and at the hour that the watch was coming up that way, which he knew by putting his sword upon the pavement, and his ear by it, and when he heard his sword shake, it was an infallible sign that the watch was near at that instant: then he and his comanions took a tumbril or dung-cart, and gave it the brangle, hurling it with all their force down the hill, and so overthrew all the poor watchmen like pigs, and then ran away upon the other side; for in less than two days, he knew all the streets, lanes and turnings in Paris, as well as his Deus det.  
At another time he made in some fair place, where the said watch was to pass, a train of gunpowder, and at the very instant, that they went along, set fire to it, and then made himself sport to see what good grace they had in running away, thinking that St. Antony's fire had caught them by the legs. As for the poor Masters of Arts, he did persecute them above all others: when he encountered with any of them upon the street, he would not never fail to put some trick or other upon them, sometimes putting the bit of a fried turd in their graduate hoods: At other times pinning on little fox-tails, or hares-eares behind them, or some such other roguish prank. One day that they were appointed all to meet in the fodder-street, he made a Borbonnesa tart, or filthy and slovenly compound, made of store of garlic, of Assa foetida, of Castoreum, of dog's turds very warm, which he steeped, tempered and liquifi'd in the corrupt matter of pocky biles, and pestiferous botches, and very early in the morning, therewith anointed all the pavement, in such sort, that the devil could not have endured it, which made all these good people, there to lay up their gorges, and vomit what was upon their stomaches before all the world, as if they had flayed the fox; and ten or twelve of them died of the plague▪ fourteen became lepers, eighteen grew lousy, and above seven and twenty had the pox but he did not care a button for it. He commonly carried a whip under his gown▪ wherewith he whipped without remission the pages, whom he found carrying wine to their Masters, to make them mend their pace. In his coat he had above six and twenty little fabs and pockets always full, one with some lead-water, and a little knife as sharp as a glovers needle, wherewith he used to cut purses: Another with some kind of bitter stuff, which he threw into the eyes of those he met: another with clotburrs, penned with little geese or capons feathers, which he cast upon the gowns and caps of honest people: and often made them fair horns, which they wore about all the City, sometimes all their life. Very often also upon the women's French hoods would he stick in the hind-part somewhat made in the shape of a man's member. In another he had a great many little horns full of fleas and lice, which he borrowed from the beggars of St. Innocent, and cast them with small canes or quills to write with, into the necks of the daintiest Gentlewomen that he could find, yea even in the Church, for he never seated himself above in the choir, but always sat in the body of the Church amongst the women, both at Mass, at Vespres, and at Sermon. In another, he used to have good store of hooks and buckles wherewlth he would couple men and women together, that sat in company close to one another, but especially those that wore gowns of crimson taffetas, that when they were about to go away, they might rend all their gowns. In another, he had a squib furnished with tinder, matches, stones to strike fire, and all other tackling necessary for it: in another, two or three burning glasses, wherewith he made both men and women sometimes mad, and in the Church put them quite out of countenance; for he said that there was but an Antistrophe, or little more difference then of a literal inversion between a woman, folle a la mess, and molle a la fez; that is, foolish at the Mass, and of a pliant buttock.  
In another he had a good deal of needles and thread, wherewith he did a thousand little devilish pranks. One time at the entry of the Palace unto the great Hall, where a certain grey Friar or Cordelier was to say Mass to the Counsellors: He did help to apparel him, and put on his vestments, but in the accoutring of him, he sowed on his alb, surplice or stole to his gown and shirt, and then withdrew himself, when the said Lords of the Court, or Counsellors came to hear the said Mass; but when it came to the Ite, missa est, that the poor Frater would have laid by his stole or surplice (as the fashion than was) he plucked off withal both his frock and shirt which were well sowed together, and thereby stripping himself up to the very shoulders, showed his bell vedere to all the world; together with his Don Cypriano, which was no small one, as you may imagine: and the Friar still kept haling, but so much the more did he discover himself, and lay open his backparts, till one of the Lords of the Court said, How now, what's the matter? will this fair Father make us here an offering of his tail to kiss it? nay, St. Antony's fire kiss it for us. From thenceforth it was ordained that the poor Fathers should never disrobe themselves any more before the world, but in their vestry-room, or sextry, as they call it; especially in the presence of women, lest it should tempt them to the sin of longing, and disordinate desire. The people then asked, why it was the Friars had so long and large genitories? the said Panurge resolved the Problem very neatly, saying, That which makes Asses to have such great ears, is that their dams did put no biggins on their heads, as Alliaco mentioneth in his suppositions: by the like reason, that which makes the genitories or generation-tooles of those fair Fraters so long is, for that they beware no bottomed breeches, and therefore their jolly member having no impediment, hangeth dangling at liberty, as far as it can reach, with a wigle-wagle down to their knees, as women carry their patinotre beads: and the cause wherefore they have it so correspondently great, is, that in this constant wig-wagging, the humours of the body descend into the said member: for according to the Legists, Agitation and continual motion is cause of attraction.  
Item, he had another pocket full of itching powder, called stone-allum, whereof he would cast some into the backs of those women, whom he judged to be most beautiful and stately, which did so ticklishly gall them, that some would strip themselves in the open view of the world, and others dance like a cock upon hot embers, or a drumstick on a taber: others again ran about the streets, and he would run after them: to such as were in the stripping vein, he would very civilly come to offer his attendance, and cover them with his cloak, like a courteous and very gracious man.  
Item, in another he had a little leather bottle full of old oil, wherewith, when he saw any man or woman in a rich new handsome suit, he would grease, smutch and spoil all the best parts of it under colour and pretence of touching them, saying, This is good cloth, this is good satin, good taffetas; Madam, God give you all that your noble heart desireth; you have a new suit, pretty Sir; and you a new gown, sweet Mistress, God give you joy of it, and maintain you in all prosperity, and with this would lay his hand upon their shoulder, at which touch such a villainous spot was left behind, so enormously engraven ro perpetuity in the very soul, body and reputation, that the devil himself could never have taken it away: Then upon his departing, he would say, Madam, take heed you do not fall, for there is a filthy great hole before you, whereinto if you put your foot, you will quite spoil yourself. Another he had all full of Euphorbium, very finely pulverised, in that power did he lay a fair handkerchief curiously wrought, which he had stolen from a pretty Seamstress of the Palace, in taking away a louse from off her bosom, which he had put there himself: and when he came into the company of some good Ladies, he would trifle them into a discourse of some fine workmanship of bonelace, then immediately put his hand into their bosom ask them, and this work, is it of Flanders, or of Hainault; and then drew out his handkerchief, and said, hold, hold, look what work here is, it is of Foutaman or of Foutarabia, and shaking it hard at their nose, made them sneeze for four hours without ceasing: in the mean while he would fart like a horse, and the women would laugh and say, How now, do you fart, Panurge? No, no, Madam (said he,) I do but tune my tail to the plain song of the Music, which you make with your nose. In another he had a picklock, a pelican, a crampiron, a crook, and some other iron tools, wherewith there was no door nor coffer which he would nor pick open. He had another full of little cups, wherewith he played very artificially, for he had his fingers made to his hand, like those of Minerva or Arachne, and had heretofore cried treacle. And when he changed a teston, cardecu, or any other piece of money, the changer had been more subtle than a fox, if Panurge had not at every time made sieve or six sols, (that is some six or seven pence) vanish away invisibly, openly and manifestly, without making any hurt or lesion, whereof the changer should have felt nothing but the wind.   

CHAP. XVII.  
How Panurge gained the pardons, and married the old women, and of the suit in law which he had at Paris.  
ONe day I found Panurge very much out of countenance, melancholic and silent, which made me suspect that he had no money; whereupon I said unto him, Panurge, you are sick, as I do very well perceive by your physiognomy, and I know the disease, you have a flux in your purse; but take no care I have yet seven pence half penny, that never saw father nor mother, which shall not be wanting, no more than the pox in your necessity: whereunto he answered me, Well, well, for money, one day I shall have but too much; for I have a Philosopher's stone, which attracts money out of men's purses, as the adamant doth iron; but will you go with me to gain the pardons, said he? By my faith (said he) I am no great pardon-taker in this world; if I shall be any such in the other, I cannot tell: yet let us go in God's Name, it is but one farthing more or less. But (said he) lend me then a farthing upon interest. No, no, (said I) I will give it you freely, and from my hearr, Grates vobis dominos, said he.  
So we went along, beginning at St. Gervase, and I got the pardons at the first box only, for in those matters very little contenteth me: then did I say my small suffrages, and the prayers of St. Brigid, but he gained them at all the boxes, and always gave money to every one of the Pardoners; from thence we went to our Lady's Church, to St. john's, to St. Antony's, and so to the other Churches, where there was a banquet of pardons, for my part, I gained no more of them: but he at all the boxes kissed the relics, and gave at every one: to be brief, when we were returned, he brought me to drink at the Castle-tavern, and there showed me ten or twelve of his little bags full of money, at which I blest myself, and made the sign of the Cross, saying, Where have you recovered so much money in so little time? unto which he answered me, that he had taken it out of the basins of the pardons; For in giving them the first farthing (said he) I put it in with such slight of hand, and so dexterously that it appeared to be a threepences; thus with one hand I took threepences, ninepences or sixpence at the least, and with the other as much, and so through all the Churches where we have been. Yea, but (said I) you damn yourself like a snake, and art withal a thief and sacrilegious people. True (said he) in your opinion, but I am not of that mind; for the Pardoners do give me it, when they say unto me in presenting the relics to kiss, Centuplum accipies, that is, that for one penny I should take a hundred; for accipies is spoken according to the manner of the Hebrews, who use the future tense in stead of the imperative, as you have in the law, Diliges Dominum, that is, dilige: even so when the Pardon-bearer says to me, Centuplum accipies, his meaning is, centuplum accipe; and so doth Rabbi Kimy, and Rabbi Aben Ezra expound it, and all the Massorets, & ibi Bartholus. Moreover, Pope Sixtus gave me fifteen hundred francs of yearly pension (which in English money is a hundred and fifty pounds) upon his Ecclesiastical revenues and treasure, for having cured him of a canckrous botch, which did so torment him, that he thought to have been a Cripple by it all his life. Thus I do pay myself at my own hand (for otherways I get nothing) upon the said Ecclesiastical treasure. Ho, my friend, (said he) if thou didst know what advantage I made, and how well I feathered my nest, by the Pope's bull of the Crusade, thou wouldst wonder exceedingly. It was worth to me above six thousand florins (in English coin six hundred pounds,) and what a devil is become of them? (said I) for of that money thou hast not one half penny. They returned from whence they came (said he,) they did no mote but change their Master.  
But I employed at least three thousand of them (that is, three hundred pounds English,) in marrying (not young Virgins; for they find but too many husbands) but great old sempiternous trots, which had not so much as one tooth in their heads; and that out of the consideration I had, that these good old women had very well spent the time of their youth in playing at the close-buttock-game to all comers, serving the foremost first, till no man would have any more dealing with them. And by G— I will have their skin-coat shaken once yet before they die; by this means, to one I gave a hundred florins, to another six score, to another three hundred, according to that they were infamous, detestable and abominable; for by how much the more horrible and execrable they were, so much the more must I needs have given them, otherways the devil would not have jumed them. Presently I went to some great and fat wood-porters, or such like, and did myself make the match, but before I did show him the old Hags, I made a fair muster to him of the Crowns, saying, Good fellow, see what I will give thee, if thou wilt but condescend to dufle, dinfredaille, or lecher it one good time: then began the poor rogues to gape like old mules, and I caused to be provided for them a banquet, with drink of the best, and store of spiceries, to put the old women in rut and heat of lust. To be short, they occupied all like good souls, only to those that were horribly ugly and ill-favoured, I caused their head to be put within a bag, to hide their face.  
Besides all this, I have lost a great deal in suits of law: And what law-suits couldst thou have? (said I) thou hast neither house norlands. My friend, (said he) the Gentlewomen of this City had found out, by the instigation of the devil of hell, a manner of high-mounted bands, and neckerchiefs for women, which did so closely cover their bosoms, that men could no more put their hands under; for they had put the slit behind, and those neckcloths were wholly shut before, whereat the poor sad contemplative lovers were much discontented. Upon a fair Tuesday, I presented a Petition to the Court, making myself a Party against the said Gentlewomen, and showing the great interest that I pretended therein, protesting that by the same reason, I would cause the Codpiece of my breeches to be sowed behind, if the Co●ur would not take order for it. In sum, the Gentlewomen put in their defences, showed the grounds they went upon, and constituted their Attorney for the prosecuting of the cause, but I pursued them so vigorously, that by a sentence of the Court it was decreed, those high neckclothes should be no longer worn, if they were not a little cleft and open before, but it cost me a good sum of money. I had another very filthy and beastly process against the dung-farmer (called Master Fisi) and his Deputies, that they should no more read privily the pipe, punchon, nor quart of sentences, but in fair full day, and that in the fodder schools, in face of the Arrian Sophisters, where I was ordained to pay the charges, by reason of some clause mistaken in the relation of the Sergeant. Another time I framed a complaint to the Court, against the mules of the Precedents, Counsellors and others, tending to this purpose, that when in the lower Court of the Palace, they left them to champ on their bridles: some bibs were made for them, that with their drivelling they might not spoil the pavement, to the end, that the Pages of the Palace might play upon it with their dice, or at the game of coxbody, at their own ease, without spoiling their breeches at the knees; and for this I had a fair decree, but it cost me dear. Now reckon up what expense I was at in little banquets, which from day to day I made to the Pages of the Palace, and to what end, said I? My friend (said he) thou hast no pastime at all in this world, I have more than the King, and if thou wilt join thyself with me, we will do the devil together. No, no, (said I) by St. Adauras that will I not, for thou wilt be hanged one time or another: And thou (said he) will't be interred sometime or other; now which is most honourable, the air or the earth? Ho, gross pecore, whilst the Pages are at their banqueting, I keep their mules, and to some one I cut the stirrup-leather of the mounting side, till it hang but by a thin strap or thread, that when the great puffe-guts of the Counsellor or some other hath taken his swing to get up, he may fall flat on his side like a pork, and so furnish the Spectators with more than a hundred francs worth of laughter. But I laugh yet further, to think how at his home-coming the Master-page is to be whipped like green rye, which makes me not to repent what I have bestowed in feasting them. In brief, he had (as I said before) threescore and three ways to acquire money, but he had two hundred and fourteen to spend it, besides his drinking.   

CHAP. XVIII.  
How a great Scholar of England would have argued against Pantagruel, and was overcome by Panurge.  
IN that same time, a certain learned man, named Thaumast, hearing the fame and renown of Pantagruels incomparable knowledge, came out of his own country of England, with an intent only to see him, to try thereby, and prove, whether his knowledge in effect was so great as it was reported to be. In this resolution, being arrived at Paris, he went forthwith unto the house of the said Pantagruel, who was lodged in the Palace of St. Denys, and was then walking in the garden thereof with Panurge, philosophising after the fashion of the Peripatetics. At his first entrance he startled, and was almost out of his wits for fear, seeing him so great, and so tall, then did he salute him courteously as the manner is, and said unto him, Very true it is, (saith Plato the Prince of Philosophers,) that if the image and knowledge of wisdom were corporeal and visible to the eyes of mortals, it would stir up all the world to admire her: which we may the rather believe, that the very bare report thereof, scattered in the air, if it happen to be received in to the ears of men, who for being studious, and lovers of virtuous things, are called Philosophers, doth not suffer them to sleep nor rest in quiet, but so pricketh them up, and sets them on fire, to run unto the place where the person is, in whom the said knowledge is said to have built her Temple, and uttered her Oracles, as it was manifestly shown unto us in the Queen of Sheba, who came from the utmost borders of the East and Persian sea, to see the order of Solomon's house, and to hear his wisdom; in Anacharsis, who came out of Scythia, even unto Athens, to see Solon; in Pythagoras, who traveled far to visit the Memphitical Vaticinators; in Platon, who went a great way off to see the Magicians of Egypt, and Architas of Tarentum; in Apollonius Tianeus, who went as far as unto Mount Caucasus, passed along the Scythians, the Massagetes, the Indians, and sailed over the great river Phison, even to the brahmin's to see Hiarchas; as likewise unto Babylon, Chaldea, Media, Assyria, Parthia, Syria, Phoenicia, Arabia, Palestina and Alexandria, even unto Aethiopia, to see the Gymnosophists: the like example have we of Titus Livius, whom to see and hear, divers studious persons came to Rome, from the Confines of France and Spain; I dare not reckon myself in the number of those so excellent persons, but well would be called studious, and a lover, not only of learning, but of learned men also: and indeed, having heard the report of your so inestimable knowledge, I have left my country, my friends, my kindred and my house, and am come thus far, valuing at nothing the length of the way, the tediousness of the sea, nor strangeness of the land, and that only to see you, and to confer with you about some passages in Philosophy, of Geomancy, and of the Cabalistick Art; whereof I am doubtful, and cannot satisfy my mind, which if you can resolve, I yield myself unto you for a slave henceforward, together with all my posterity; for other gift have I none, that I can esteem a recompense sufficient for so great a favour: I will reduce them into writing, and to morrow publish them to all the learned men in the City, that we may dispute publicly before them.  
But see in what manner, I mean that we shall dispute: I will not argue pro & contra, as do the sottish Sophisters of this town, and other places; likewise I will not dispute after the manner of the Academics by declamation: nor yet by numbers, as Pythagoras was wont to do, and as Picus de la mirandula did of late at Rome: but I will dispute by signs only without speaking, for the matters are so abstruse, hard and arduous, that words proceeding from the mouth of man, will never be sufficient for unfolding of them to my liking. May it therefore please your Magnificence to be there, it shall be at the great Hall of Navarre at seven a clock in the morning. When he had spoke these words, Pantagruel very honourably said unto him, Sir, of the graces that God hath bestowed upon me, I would not deny to communicate unto any man to my power; for whatever comes from him is good, and his pleasure is, that it should be increased, when we come amongst men worthy and fit to receive this celestial Manna of honest literature: in which number, because that in this time (as I do already very plainly perceive,) thou holdest the first rank, I give thee notice that at all hours thou shalt find me ready to condescend to every one of thy requests, according to my poor ability: although I ought rather to learn of thee, than thou of me, but as thou hast protested, we will confer of these doubts together, and will seek out the resolution, even unto the bottom of that undrainable Well, where Heraclitus says the truth lies hidden: and I do highly commend the manner of arguing which thou hast proposed, to wit, by signs without speaking; for by this means thou and I shall understand one another well enough, and yet shall be free from this clapping of hands, which these blockish Sophisters make, when any of the Arguers hath gotten the better of the Argument: Now to morrow I will not fail to meet thee at the place and hour that thou hast appointed, but let me entreat thee that there be not any strife or uproar between us, and that we seek not the honour and applause of men, but the truth only: to which Thaumast answered, The Lord God maintain you in his favour and grace, and instead of my thankfulness to you, pour down his blessings upon you, for that your Highness and magnificent greatness, hath not disdained to descend to the grant of the request of my poor baseness, so farewell till to morrow? Farewell, said Pantagruel. Gentlemen, you that read this present discourse, think not that ever men were more elevated and transported in their thoughts, than all this night were both Thaumast and Pantagruel; for the said Thaumast, said to the Keeper of the house of Clunie, where he was lodged, that in all his life he had never known himself so dry, as he was that night. I think (said he) that Pantagruel held me by the throat; Give order, I pray you, that we may have some drink, and see that some fresh water be brought to us, to gargoyle my palate: on the other side Pantagruel stretched his wits as high as he could, entering into very deep and serious meditations, and did nothing all that night but dote upon, and turn over the book of Beda, de numeris & signis: Plotius book, de inenarrabilibus: the book of Proclus, de magia: the book of Artemidorus, 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉; of Anaxagaras, 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉; Dinatius, 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉; the books of Philistion: Hipponax, 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉: and a rabble of others, so long, that Panurge said unto him,  
My Lord, leave all these thoughts and go to bed; for I perceive your spirits to be so troubled by a too intensive bending of them, that you may easily fall into some Quotidian Fever, with this so excessive thinking and plodding: but having first drunk five and twenty o● thirty good draughts, retire yourself and sleep your fill: for in the morning I will argue against, and answer my Master the Englishman; and if I drive him not ad metam non loqui, then call me Knave: Yea, but (said he) my friend Panurge, he is marvellously learned, how wilt thou be able to answer him? Very well, (answered Panurge) I pray you talk no more of it, but let me alone; is any man so learned as the devils are? No, indeed (said Pantagruel,) without God's especial grace: Yet for all that (said Panurge) I have argued against them, gravelled and blanked them in disputation, and laid them so squat upon their tails, that I have made them look like Monkeys; therefore be assured, that to morrow I will make this vainglorious Englishman to skite vinegar before all the world. So Panurge spent the night with tippling amongst the Pages, and played away all the points of his breeches at primus secundus, and at peck point (in French called Lavergette.) Yet when the condescended on time was come, he failed not to conduct his Master Pantagruel to the appointed place, unto which (believe me) there was neither great nor small in Paris but came, thinking with themselves that this devilish Pantagruel, who had overthrown and vanquished in dispute all these doting freshwater Sophisters, would now get full payment and be tickled to some purpose; for this Englishman is a terrible bustler, and horrible coyle-keeper, we will see who will be Conqueror, for he never met with his match before.  
Thus all being assembled, Thaumast stayed for them, and then when Pantagruel and Panurge came into the Hall, all the Schoolboys, Professors of Arts, Senior-Sophisters and Bachelors began to clap their hands, as their scurvy custom is. But Pantagruel cried out with a loud voice, as if it had been the sound of a double canon, saying, Peace. with a devil to you, peace: by G— you rogues, if you trouble me here, I will cut off the heads of every one of your: at which words they remained all daunted and astonished, like so many ducks, and durst not do so much as cough, although they had swallowed fifteen pounds of feathers: withal they grew so dry with this only voice, that they laid our their tongues a full half foot beyond their mouths, as if Pantagruel had salted all their throats. Then began Panurge to speak, saying to the Englishman, Sir, are you come hither to dispute contentiously in those Propositions you have set down, or otherways but to learn and know the truth? To which answered Thaumast, Sir, no other thing bronght me hither, but the great desire I had to learn, and to kuow that of which I have doubted all my life long, and have neither found book nor man able to content me in the resolution of those doubts which I have proposed: and as for disputing contentiously, I will not do it, for it is too base a thing, and therefore leave it to those sottish Sophisters, who in their disputes do not search for the truth, but for contradiction only and debate. Then said Panurge, if I who am but a mean and inconsiderable disciple of my Master my Lord Pantagruel; content and satisfy you in all and every thing, it were a thing below my said Master, wherewith to trouble him: therefore is it fitter that he be Chairman, and sit as a Judge and Moderator of our discourse and purpose, and give you satisfaction in many things, wherein perhaps I shall be wanting to your expectation. Truly (said Thaumast) it is very well said: begin then. Now you must note that Panurge had set at the end of his long Codpiece, a pretty tuft of red silk, as also of white, green and blue, and within it had put a fair orange.   

CHAP. XIX.  
How Panurge put to a nonplus the Englishman, that argued by signs.  
EVery body then taking heed, and harkening with great silence, the Englishman lift up on high into the air his two hands severally, clunching in all the tops of his fingers, together after the manner which (alachinonnese) they call the hen's arse, and struck the one hand on the other by the nails four several times: then he opening them, struck the one with the flat of the other, till it yielded a clashing noise, and that only once: again in joining them as before he struck twice, ●nd afterwards four times in opening them; then did he lay them joined, and extended the one towards the other, as if he had been devoutly to send up his prayers unto God. Panarge suddenly lifted up in the air his right hand, and put the thumb thereof into the nostril of the same side, holding his four fingers straight out, and closed orderly in a parallel line to the point of his nose, shutting the left eye wholly, and making the other wink with a profound depression of the eyebrows and eyelids. Then lifted he up his left hand, with hard wring and stretching forth his four fingers, and elevating his thumb, which he held in a line directly correspondent to the situation of his right hand, with the distance of a cubit and a half between them. This done, in the same form he abased towards the ground, both the one and the other hand; Lastly, he held them in the midst, as aiming right at the English man's nose: And if Merourie, said the English man: there Panurge interrupted him, and said, You have spoken Mask.  
Then made the English man this sign, his left hand all open the lifted up into the air, then instantly shut into his fist the four fingers thereof, and his thumb extended at length he placed upon the gristle of his nose: Presently after, he lifted up his right hand all open, and all open abased and bend it downwards, putting the thumb thereof in the very place where the little finger of the left hand did close in the fist, and the four right hand fingers he softly moved in the air: than contrarily he did with the right hand what he had done with the left, and with the left what he had done with the right.  
Panurge being not a whit amazed at this, drew out into the air his Trismegist Codpiece with the left hand, and with his right drew forth a truncheon of a white oxe-rib, and two pieces of wood of a like form, one of ●lack eben, and the other of incarnation brasil, and put them betwixt the fingers of that hand in good symmetry: then knocking them together made such a noise as the Lepers of Brita●●● use to do with their clappering clickets, yet better resounding, and far more harmonious; and with his tongue contracted in his mouth, did very merrily warble it, always looking fixedly upon the English man. The Divines, Physicians and Surgeons that were there, thought that by this sign he would have inferred that the English man was a Leper: the Counsellors, Lawyers and Decretalists conceived, that by doing this he would have concluded some kind of mortal felicity to consist in Leprosy, as the Lord maintained heretofore,  
The English man for all this was nothing daunted, but holding up his two hands in the air, kept them in such form, that he closed the three master-fingers in his fist, and passing his thumbs through his indical, or foremost and middle fingers, his auricularie or little fingers remained extended and stretched out, and so presented he them to Panurge; then joined he them so, that the right thumb touched the left, and the left little finger touched the right. Hereat Panurge, without speaking one word, lift up his hands and made this sign.  
He put the nail of the forefinger of his left hand, to the nail of the thumb of the same, making in the middle of the distance as it were a buckle, and of his right hand shut up all the fingers into his fist, except the forefinger which he often thrust in and out through the said two others of the left hand: then stretched he out the forefinger, and middle finger or medical of his right hand, holding them asunder as much as he could, and thrusting them towards Thaumast. Then did he put the thumb of his left hand upon the corner of his left eye, stretching out all his hand like the wing of a bird, or the fin of a fish, and moving it very daintily this way and that way, he did as much with his right hand upon the corner of his right eye. Thaumast began then to wax somewhat pale, and to tremble, and made him this sign.  
With the middle finger of his right hand, he struck against the muscle of the palm or pulp, which is under the thumb: then put he the forefinger of the right hand in the like buckle of the left, but he put it under and not over, as Panurge did. Then Panurge knocked one hand against another, and blowed in his palm, and put again the forefinger of his right hand into the overture or mouth of the left, pulling it often in and out; then held he out his chin, most intentively looking upon Thaumast. The people there which understood nothing in the other signs, knew very well what therein he demanded (without speaking a word to Thaumast,) What do you mean by that? In effect, Thaumast then began to sweat great drops, and seemed to all the Spectators a man strangely ravished in high contemplation. Then he be thought himself, and put all the nails of his left hand against those of his right, opening his fingers as if they had been semicircles, and with this sign lift up his hands as high as he could. Whereupon Panurge presently put the thumb of his right hand under his jaws, and the little finger thereof in the mouth of the left hand, and in this posture made his teeth to sound very melodiously, the upper against the lower. With this Thaumast with great toil and vexation of spirit rose up, but in rising let a great bakers fart, for the bran came after, and pissing withal very strong vinegar, stunk like all the devils in hell: the company began to stop their noses; for he had conskited himself with mere anguish and perplexity. Then lifted he up his right hand, clunching it in such sort, that he brought the ends of all his fingers to meet together, and his left hand he laid flat upon his breast: whereat Panurge drew out his long Codpiece with his tough, and stretched it forth a cubit and a half, holding it in the air with his right hand, and with his left took out his orange, and casting it up into the air seven times, at the eight he hid it in the fist of his right hand, holding it steadily up on high, and then began to shake his fair Codpiece, showing it to Thaumast.  
After that Thaumast began to puff up his two cheeks like a player on a bagpipe, and blue as if he had been to puff np a pig's bladder; whereupon Panurge put one finger of his left hand in his nockandrow, by some called St. Patrick's hole, and with his mouth sucked in the air, in such a manner as when one eats oysters in the shell, or when we sup up our broth: this done, he opened his mouth somewhat, and struck his right hand flat upon it, making therewith a great and a deep sound as if it came from the superficies of the midriff through the trachiartere or pipe of the lungs, and this he did for sixteen times; but Thaumast did always keep blowing like a goose. Then Panurge put the forefinger of his right hand into his mouth, pressing it very hard to the muscles thereof; then he drew it out, and withal made a great noise, as when little boys shoot pellets out of the pot-canons made of the hollow sticks of the branch of an aulder-tree, and he did it nine times.  
Then Thaumast cried out, Ha, my Masters, a great secret; with this he put in his hand up to the elbow; then drew out a dagger that he had, holding it by the point downwards; whereat Panurge took his long Codpiece, and shook it as hard as he could against his thighs; then put his two hands intwined in manner of a comb upon his head, laying out his tongue as far as he was able; and turning his eyes in his head, like a goat that is ready to die. Ha, I understand (said Thaumast) but what? making such a sign, that he put the haft of his dagger against his breast, and upon the point thereof the flat of his hand, turning in a little the ends of his fingers; whereat Panurge held down his head on the left side, and put his middle finger into his right ear, holding up his thumb bolt upright; then he crossed his two arms upon his breast, and coughed five times, and at the fifth time he struck his right foot against the ground: then he lift up his left arm, and closing all his fingers into his fist, held his thumb against his forehead, striking with his right hand six times against his breast. But Thaumast, as not content therewith, put the thumb of his left hand upon the top of his nose, shutting the rest of his said hand: whereupon Panurge set his two Master-fingers upon each side of his mouth, drawing it as much as he was able, and widening it so, that he showed all his teeth: and with his two thumbs plucked down his two eyelids very low, making therewith a very ill-favoured countenance, as it seemed to the company.   

CHAP. XX.  
How Thaumast relateth the virtues, and knowledge of Panurge.  
THen Thaumast rose up, and putting off his cap, did very kindly thank the said Panurge, and with a loud voice said unto all the people that were there, My Lords, Gentlemen and others, at this time may I to some good purpose speak that Evangelical word, Et ecce plus quam Salomon hîc: You have here in your presence an incomparable treasure, that is, my Lord Pantagruel, whose great renown hath brought me hither, out of the very heart of England, to confer with him about the insoluble problems, both in Magic, Alchemy, the Caballe, Geomancy, Astrology and Philosophy, which I had in my mind: but at present I am angry, even with fame itself, which I think was envious to him, for that it did not declare the thousandth part of the worth that indeed is in him: You have seen how his disciple only hath satisfied me, and hath told me more than I asked of him: besides, he hath opened unto me, and resolved other inestimable doubts, wherein I can assure you he hath to me discovered the very true Well, Fountain and Abyss of the Encyclopedeia of learning; yea in such a sort, that I did not think I should ever have found a man that could have made his skill appear, in so much as the first elements of that concerning which we disputed by signs, without speaking either word or half word. But in fine, I will reduce into writing that which we have said and concluded, that the world may not take them to be fooleries, and will thereafter cause them to be printed, that every one may learn as I have done. Judge then what the Master had been able to say, seeing the disciple hath done so valiantly; for, Non est discipulus super Magistrum. Howsoever God be praised, and I do very humbly thank you, for the honour that you have done us at this Act: God reward you for it eternally: the like thanks gave Pantagruel to all the company, and going from thence, he carried Thaumast to dinner with him, and believe that they drank as much as their skins could hold, or, as the phrase is, with unbuttoned bellies, (for in that age they made fast their bellies with buttons, as we do now the collars of our doublets or jerkins) even till they neither knew where they were, nor whence they came. Blessed Lady, how they did carouse it, and pluck (as we say) at the Kid's leather: and flagons to troth, and they to toot, Draw, give (page) some wine here reach hither, fill with a devil, so? There was not one but did drink five and twenty or thirty pipes, can you tell how? even Sicut terra sine aqua; for the weather was hot, and besides, that they were very dry. In matter of the exposition of the Propositions set down by Thaumast: and the signification of the signs which they used in their disputation, I would have set them down for you according to their own relation: but I have been told that Thaumast made a great book of it imprinted at London, wherein he hath set down all without omitting any thing, and therefore at this time I do pass by it.   

CHAP. XXI.  
How Panutge was in love with a Lady of Paris.  
PAnurge began to be in great reputation in the City of Paris, by means of this disputation, wherein he pray vailed against the English man, and from thenceforth made his Codpiece to be very useful to him, to which effect he had it pinked with pretty little Embroideries after the Romanesca fashion; And the world did praise him publicly, in so far that there was a song made of him, which little children did use to sing, when they went to fetch mustard: he was withal made welcome in all companies of Ladies and Gentlewomen, so that at last he became presumptuous, and went about to bring to his lure one of the greatest Ladies in the City: and indeed leaving a rabble of long prologues and protestations, which ordinarily these dolent contemplative Lent-lovers make, who never meddle with the flesh; one day he said unto her, Madam, it would be a very great benefit to the Commonwealth, delightful to you, honourable to your progeny, and necessary for me, that I cover you for the propagating of my race, and believe it, for experience will teach it you: the Lady at this word thrust him back above a hundred leagues, saying, You mischievous fool, is it for you to talk thus unto me? whom do you think you have in hand? be gone, never to come in my sight again; for if one thing were not, I would have your legs and arms cut off. Well, (said he) that were all one to me, to want both legs and arms, provided you and I had but one merry bout together, at the brangle buttock-game; for here within is (in showing her his long Codpiece) Master john Thursday, who will play you such an Antic, that you shall feel the sweetness thereof even to the very marrow of your bones: He is a gallant, and doth so well know how to find out all the corners, creeks and ingrained inmates in your carnal trap, that after him there needs no broom, he'll sweep so well before, and leave nothing to his followers to work upon: whereunto the Lady answered, Go, vill in, go, if you speak to me one such word more, I will cry out, and make you to be knocked down with blows. Ha, (said he) you are not so bad as you say, no, or else I am deceived in your physiognomy, for sooner shall the earth mount up unto the Heavens, and the highest Heavens descend unto the Hells, and all the course of nature be quite perverted, then that in so great beauty and neatness as in you is, there should be one drop of gall or malice: they say indeed, that hardly shall a man ever see a fair woman that is not also stubborn: yet that is spoke only of those vulgar beauties, but yours is so excellent, so singular, and so heavenly, that I believe nature hath given it you as a paragon, and masterpiece of her Art, to make us know what she can do, when she will employ all her skill, and all her power. There is nothing in you but honey, but sugar, but a sweet and celestial Manna: to you it was, to whom Paris ought to have adjudged the golden Apple, not to Venus, no, nor to juno, nor to Minerva; for never was there so much magnificence in juno, so much wisdom in Minerva; nor so much comeliness in Venus, as there is in you. O heavenly gods and goddesses! how happy shall that man be to whom you will grant the favour to embrace her, to kiss her, and to rub his bacon with hers? by G-. that shall be I, I know it well; for she loves me already her belly full, I am sure of it, and so was I predestinated to it by the Fairies: and therefore that we lose no time, put on, thrust out your gamons, and would have embraced her, but she made as if she would put out her head at the window, to call her neighbours for help. Then Panurge on a sudden ran out, and in his running away, said, Madam, stay here till I come again, I will go call them myself, do not you take so much pains: thus went he away not much caring for the repulse he had got, nor made he any whit the worse cheer for it. The next day he came to the Church, at the time that she went to Mass, at the door he gave her some of the holy water, bowing himself very low before her, afterwards he kneeled down by her very familiarly, and said unto her, Madam, know that I am so amorous of you, that I can neither piss nor dung for love: I do not know (Lady,) what you mean, but if I should take any hurt by it, how much would you be too blame? Go, said she, go, I do not care, let me alone to say my prayers. I but (said he) equivocate upon this; a Beaumon le viconte, or to fair mount the priccunts: I cannot, said she: It is, said he, a beau con le vit monte, or to a fair C— the pr— mounts: and upon this pray to God to give you that which your noble heart desireth, and I pray you give me these patenotres. Take them (said she) & trouble me no longer: this done, she would have taken off her patenotres, which were made of a kind of yellow stone called Cestrin, and adorned with great spots of gold, but Panurge nimbly drew out one of his knives, wherewith he cut them off very handsomely, and whilst he was going away to carry them to the Brokers, he said to her, Will you have my knife? No, no, said she: But (said he) to the purpose, I am at▪ your commandment, body and goods, tripes and bowels.  
In the mean time, the Lady was not very well content with the want of her patinotres; for they were one of her implements to keep her countenance by in the Church: then thought with herself, this bold flouting Roister, is some giddy, fantastical, lightheaded fool of a strange country; I shall never recover my patenotres again, what will my husband say, he will no doubt be angry with me; but I will tell him that a thief hath cut them off from my hands in the Church, which he will easily believe, seeing the end of the ribbon left at my girdle. After dinner Panurge went to see her carrying in his sleeve a great purse full of Palace-crowns called counters, and began to say unto her, Which of us two loveth other best, you me, or I you? whereunto she answered, As for me, I do not hate you; for as God commands, I love all the world: But to the purpose, (said he) are not you in love with me? I have (said she) told you so many times already, that you should talk so no more to me, and if you speak of it again, I will teach you, that I am not one to be talked unto dishonestly: get you hence packing, and deliver me my patenotres, that my husband may not ask me for them.  
How now, (Madam) said he, your patenotres? nay, by mine oath I will not do so, but I will give you others; had you rather have them of gold well enamelled in great round knobs, or after the manner of love-knots, or otherwise all massive, like great ingots, or if you had rather have them of Ebon, of jacinth, or of grained gold, with the marks of fine Turkoises, or of fair Topazes, marked with fine Saphires, or of baleu Rubies, with great marks of Diamonds of eight and twenty squares? No, no, all this is too little; I know a fair bracelet of fine Emeralds, marked with spotted Ambergris, and at the buckle a Persian pearl as big as an Orange: it will not cost above five and twenty thousand ducats, I will make you a present of it, for I have ready coin enough, and withal he made a noise with his counters as if they had been French Crowns.  
Will you have a piece of velvet, either of the violet colour, or of crimson died in grain: or a piece of broached or crimson satin? will you have chains, gold, tablets, rings? You need no more but say, Yes, so far as fifty thousand ducats may reach, it is but as nothing to me; by the virtue of which words he made the water come in her mouth: but she said unto him, No, I thank you, I will have nothing of you. By G— said he, but I will have somewhat of you; yet shall it be that which shall cost you nothing, neither shall you have a jot the less, when you have given it, hold, (showing his long Codpiece) this is Master john Good fellow, that asks for lodging, and with that would have embraced her; but she began to cry out, yet not very loud. Then Panurge put off his counterfeit garb, changed his false visage, and said unto her, You will not then otherways let me do a little, a turd for you, you do not deserve so much good, nor so much honour: but by G— I will make the dogs ride you, and with this he ran away as fast as he could, for fear of blows, whereof he was naturally fearful.   

CHAP. XXII.  
How Panurge served a Parisian Lady a trick that pleased her not very well.  
NOw you must note that the next day was the great festival of Corpus Christi, called the Sacre, wherein all women put on their best apparel, and on that day the said Lady was clothed in a rich gown of crimson-sattin, under which she wore a very costly white velvet petticoat.  
The day of the Eve (called the vigil) Panurge searched so long of one side and another, that he found a hot or salted bitch, which when he had tied her with his girdle, he led to his chamber, and fed her very well all that day and night; in the morning thereafter he killed her, and took that part of her which the Greek Geomanciers know, and cut it into several pieces as small as he could; then carrying it away as close as might be, he went to the place where the Lady was to come along, to follow the Procession, as the custom is upon the said holy day; and when she came in, Panurge sprinkled some holy water on her, saluting her very courteously: then a little while after she had said her petty devotions, he sat down close by her upon the same bench, and gave her this roundlay in writing, in manner as followeth.  

A Roundlay.  
For this one time, that I to you my love  
Discovered, you did too cruel prove  
To send me packing, hopeless, and so soon,  
Who never any wrong to you had done  
In any kind of action, word or thought:  
So that if my suit liked you not, you ought  
T' have spoke more civilly, and to this sense,  
My friend, be pleased to depart from hence  
For this one time.  
What hurt do I to wish you to remark  
With favour and compassion how a spark  
Of your great beauty hath inflamed my heart  
With deep affection, and that for my part,  
I only ask that you with me would dance  
The brangle gay in feats of dalliance  
For this one time.   
And as she was opening this paper to see what it was, Panurge very promptly and lightly scattered the drug that he had, upon her in divers places, but especially in the plaits of her sleeves, and of her gown: then said he unto her, Madam, the poor lovers are not always at ease; as for me, I hope that those heavy nights, those pains and troubles which I suffer for love of you, shall be a deduction to me of so much pain in Purgatory: yet at the least pray to God to give me patience in my misery. Panurge had no sooner spoke this, but all the dogs that were in the Church came running to this Lady with the smell of the drugs that he had strewed upon her, both small and great, big and little, all came, laying out their member; smelling to her, and pissing every where upon her, it was the greatest villainy in the world. Panurge made the fashion of driving them away: then took his leave of her, and withdrew himself into some Chapel or Oratory of the said Church, to see the sport; for these villainous dogs did compisse all her habiliaments, and left none of her attire unbesprinkled with their stalling, in so much that a tall greyhound pissed upon her head, others in her sleeves, others on her crupper-piece, and the little ones pissed upon her pataines: so that all the women that were round about her had much ado to save her. Whereat Panurge very heartily laughing, he said to one of the Lords of the City, I believe that the same Lady is hot, or else that some greyhound hath covered her lately. And when he saw that all the dogs were flocking about her, yarring at the retardment of their access to her, and every way keeping such a coil with her, as they are wont to do about a proud or salted bitch, he forthwith departed from thence, and went to call Pantagruel: not forgetting in his way alongst all the streets, through which he went, where he found any dogs to give them a bang with his foot, saying, Will you not go with your fellows to the wedding? Away, hence, avaunt, avant, with a devil avant: And being come home, he said to Pantagruel, Master, I pray you come and see all the dogs of the country, how they are assembled about a Lady, the fairest in the City, and would dufle and line her; whereunto Pantagruel willingly condescended, and saw the mystery, which he found very pretty and strange: But the best was at the Procession, in which were seen above six hundred thousand and fourteen dogs about her, which did very much trouble and molest her, and whithersoever she passed, those dogs that came afresh, tracing her footsteps, followed her at the heels, and pissed in the way where her gown had touched. All the world stood gazing at this spectacle, considering the countenance of those dogs, who leaping up got about her neck, and spoiled all her gorgeous accoutrements, for the which she could find no remedy, but to retire unto her house, which was a Palace: Thither she went, and the dogs after her; she ran to hide herself, but the Chambermaids could not abstain from laughing. When she was entered into the house, and had shut the door upon herself, all the dogs came running, of half a league round, and did so well bepiss the gate of her house, that there they made a stream with their urine, wherein a duck might have very well swimmed, and it is the same current that now runs at St. Victor, in which Gobelin dieth scarlet, for the specifical virtue of these pisse-dogs, as our Master Doribus did heretofore preach publicly. So may God help you; a Mill would have ground corn with it; yet not so much as those of Basacle at Toulouse.   

CHAP. XXIII.  
How Pantagruel departed from Paris, hearing news, that the Dipsodes had invaded the Land of the Amaurots: and the cause wherefore the leagues are so short in France.  
A Little while after Pantagruel heard news that his father Gargantua had been translated into the land of the Fairies by Morgue, as heretofore were Oger and Arthur together, and that the report of his translation being spread abroad, the Dipsodes had issued out beyond their borders, with inroads had wasted a great part of Utopia, and at that very time had besieged the great City of the Amaurots; whereupon departing from Paris, without bidding any man farewel, for the business required diligence, he came to Rowen.  
Now Pantagruel in his journey, seeing that the leagues of that little territory about Paris called France, were very short in regard of those of other Countries, demanded the cause and reason of it from Panurge, who told him a story which Marotus set down of the lac Monachus, in the acts of the Kings of Canarre, saying, that in old times Countries were not distinguished into leagues, miles, furlongs, nor parasanges, until that King Pharamont divided them, which was done in manner as followeth. The said King chose at Paris a hundred fair, gallant, lusty, brisk young men, all resolute and bold adventurers in Cupid's duels, together with a hundred comely, pretty, handsome, lovely and well complexioned wenches of Picardy, all which he caused to be well entertained, and highly fed for the space of eight days; then having called for them, he delivered to every one of the young men his wench, with store of money to defray their charges, and this injunction besides, to go unto divers places here and there, and wheresoever they should biscot and thrum their wenches, that thy setting a stone there, it should be accounted for a league: thus went away those brave fellows and sprightly blades most merrily, and because they were fresh, and had been at rest, they very often jumed and fanfreluched almost at every sields end, and this is the cause why the leagues about Paris are so short; but when they had gone a great way, and were now as weary as poor devils, all the oil in their lamps being almost spent, they did not chink and dufle so often, but contented themselves, (I mean for the men's part,) with one scurvy paltry bout in a day, and this is that which makes the leagues in Brittany, Delanes, Germany, and other more remote Countries so long: other men give other reasons for it, but this seems to me of all other the best. To which Pantagruel willingly adhered. Parting from Rowen, they arrived at Honfleur, where they took shipping, Pantagruel, Panurge, Epistemon, Eusthenes and Carpalim.  
In which place, waiting for a favourable wind, and caulking their ship, he received from a Lady of Paris (which I had formerly kept, and entertained a good long time,) a letter directed on the outside thus, To the best beloved of the fair women, and least loyal of the valiant men, PNTGRL.   

CHAP. XXIV.  
A Letter which a messenger brought to Pantagruel from a Lady of Paris, together with the exposition of a Posy, written in a gold Ring.  
WHen Pantagruel had read the superscription, he was much amazed, and therefore demanded of the said messenger the name of her that had sent it: then opened he the letter, and found nothing written in it, nor otherways enclosed, but only a gold ring, with a square table-diamond. Wondering at this, he called Panurge to him, and showed him the case; whereupon Panurge told him, that the leaf of paper was written upon, but with such cunning and artifice that no man could see the writing at the first sight, therefore to find it out he set it by the fire, to see if it was made with Sal Armoniac soaked in water; then put he it into the water, to see if the letter was written with the juice of Tithymalle: after that he held it up against the candle, to see if it was written with the juice of white onions.  
Then he rubbed one part of it with oil of nuts, to see if it were not written with the lee of a figtree: and another part of it with the milk of a woman giving suck to her eldest daughter, to see if it was written with the blood of red toads, or green earth-frogs: Afterwards he rubbed one corner with the ashes of a Swallows nest, to see if it were not written with the dew that is found within the herb Alcakengie, called the winter-cherry. He rubbed after that one end with eare-wax, to see if it were not written with the gall of a Raven: then did he dip it into vinegar, to try if it was not written with the juice of the garden Spurge: After that he greased it with the fat of a bat or flittermouse, to see if it was not written with the sperm of a whale, which some call ambergris: Then put it very fairly into a basin full of fresh water, and forthwith took it out, to see whether it were written with stone-allum: But after all experiments, when he perceived that he could find out nothing, he called the messenger, and asked him, Good fellow, the Lady that sent thee hither, did she not give thee a staff to bring with thee? thinking that it had been according to the conceit, whereof Aulus Gellius maketh mention, and the Messenger answered him, No, Sir. Then Panurge would have caused his head to be shaved, to see whether the Lady had written upon his bald pate, with the hard lie whereof soap is made, that which she meant; but perceiving that his hair was very long, he forbore, considering that it could not have grown to so great a length in so short a time.  
Then he said to Pantagruel, Master, by the virtue of G— I cannot tell what to do nor say in it; for to know whether there be any thing written upon this or no; I have made use of a good part of that which Master Francisco di Nianto, the Tuscan sets down, who hath written the manner of reading letters that do not appear; that which Zoroaster published, peri grammaton acriton; and Calphurnius Bassus de literis illegibilibus: but I can see nothing, nor do I believe that there is any thing else in it then the Ring: let us therefore look upon it, which when they had done, they found this in Hebrew written within, Lamach sabathani; whereupon they called Epistemon, and asked him what that meant? to which he answered, that they were Hebrew words, signifying, Wherefore hast thou forsaken me? upon that Panurge suddenly replied: I know the mystery, do you see this diamond? it is a false one; this than is the exposition of that which the Lady means, Diamant faux, that is, false lover, why hast thou forsaken me? which interpretation Pantagruel presently understood, and withal remembering, that at his departure he had not bid the Lady farewel, he was very sorry, and would fain have returned to Paris, to make his peace with her; but Epistemon put him in mind of Aeneas' departure from Dido, and the saying of Heraclitus of Tarentum, That the ship being at anchor when need requireth, we must cut the cable rather than lose time about untying of it, and that he should lay aside all other thoughts to succour the City of his Nativity, which was then in danger; and indeed within an hour after that, the wind arose at the North-north-west, wherewith they hoist sail, and put out, even into the main sea, so that within few days, passing by Porto Sancto, and by the Maderas, they went ashore in the Canary islands; parting from thence, they passed by Capobianco, by Senege, by Capoverde, by Gambre, by Sagres, by Melli, by the Cap di buona Speranza, and set ashore again in the Kingdom of Melinda; parting from thence, they sailed away with a tramoutan or northerly wind, passing by Meden, by Uti, by Uden, by Gelasim, by the isles of the Fairies, and alongst the Kingdom of Achorie, till at last they arrived at the port of Utopia, distant from the City of the Amaurots three leagues and somewhat more.  
When they were ashore, and pretty well refreshed, Panurge said, Gentlemen, the City is not far from hence, therefore were it not amiss before we set forward, to advise well what is to be done, that we be not like the Athenians, who never took counsel until after the fact: Are you resolved to live and die with me? Yes, Sir, said they all, and be as confident of us, as of your own fingers. Well (said he) there is but one thing that keeps my mind in great doubt and suspense, which is this, that I know not in what order nor of what number the enemy is, that layeth siege to the City; for if I were certain of that, I should go forward, and set on with the better assurance. Let us therefore consult together, and bethink ourselves by what means we may come to this intelligence: whereunto unto they all said, Let us go thither and see, and stay you here for us, for this very day, without further respite do we make account to bring you a certain report thereof.  
Myself (said Panurge) will undertake to enter into their camp, within the very midst of their guards, unespied by their watch, and merrily feast and lecher it at their cost, without being known of any, to see the Artillery and the Tents of all the Captains, and thrust myself in with a grave and magnific carriage, amongst all their troops and compantes, without ever being discovered; the devil would not be able to peck me out with all his circumventions: for I am of the race of Zopyrus.  
And I (said Epistemon) know all the plots and stratagems of the valiant Captains, and warlike Champions of former ages, together with all the tricks and subtleties of the Art of war; I will go, and though I be detected and revealed, I will escape, by making them believe of you whatever I please, for I am of the race of Sinon.  
I (said Eusthenes) will enter and set upon them in their trenches, in spite of their Sentries, and all their guards; for I will tread upon their bellies, and break their legs and arms, yea though they were every whit as strong as the devil himself: for I am of the race of Hercules.  
And I (said Carpalin) will get in there, if the birds can enter, for I am so nimble of body, and light withal, that I shall have leapt over their trenches, and ran clean through all their camp, before that they perceive me; neither do I fear shot, nor arrow, nor horse, how swift soever, were he the Pegasus of Persee or Pacolet; being assured that I shall be able to make a safe and sound escape before them all, without any hurt: I will undertake to walk upon the ears of corn, or grass in the meadows, without making either of them do so much as bow under me; for I am of the race of Camilla the Amazon.   

CHAP. XXV.  
How Panurge, Carpalin, Eusthenes and Epistemon (the Gentlemen Attendants of Pantagruel,) vanquished and discomfited six hundred and threescore horsemen very cunningly.  
AS he was speaking this, they perceived six hundred and threescore light horsemen, gallantly mounted, who made an out-rode thither, to see what ship it was that was newly arrived in the harbour, and came in a full gallop to take them if they had been able: Then said Pantagruel, my Lads, retire yourselves unto the ship, here are some of our enemies coming apace, but I will kill them here before you like beasts, although they were ten times so many, in the mean time withdraw yourselves, and take your sport at it. Then answered Panurge, No, Sir, there is no reason that you should do so, but on the contrary retire you unto the ship, both you and the rest; for I alone will here discomfit them, but we must not linger, come, set forward; whereunto the others said, It is well advised, Sir, withdr●w yourself, and we will help Panurge here, so shall you know what we are able to do: Then said Pantagruel, Well, I am content, but if that you be too weak, I will not fail to come to your assistance. With this Panurge took two great cables of the ship, and tied them to the kemstock or capstane which was on the deck towards the hatches, and fastened them in the ground, making a long circuit, the one further off, the other within that. Then said he to Epistemon, Go aboard the ship, and when I give you a call, turn about the capstane upon the orlop diligently, drawing unto you the two cableropes: and said to Eusthenes, and to Carpalin, My Bullies, stay you here, and offer yourselves freely to your enemies, do as they bid you, and make as if you would yield unto them: but take heed you come not within the compass of the ropes, be sure to keep yourselves free of them; and presently he went aboard the ship, and took a bundle of straw, and a barrel of gunpowder, strewed it round about the compass of the cords, and stood by with a brand of fire or match lighted in his hand. Presently came the horsemen with great fury, and the foremost ran almost home to the ship, and by reason of the slipperiness of the bank, they fell they and their horses, to the number of four and forty, which the rest seeing, came on, thinking that resistance had been made them at their arrival: But Panurge said unto them, My Masters, I believe that you have hurt yourselves, I pray you pardon us, for it is not our fault, but the slipperiness of the sea-water, that is always flowing; we submit ourselves to your good pleasure; so said likewise his two other fellows, and Epistemon that was upon the deck; in the mean time Panurge withdrew himself, and seeing that they were all within the compass of the cables, and that his two companions were retired, making room for all those horses which came in a crowd, thronging upon the neck of one another to see the ship, and such as were in it cried out on a sudden to Epistemon, Draw, draw: then began Epistemon to wind about the capstane, by doing whereof the two cables so entangled and impestered the legs of the horses, that they were all of them thrown down to the ground easily, together with their Riders: but they seeing that, drew their swords, and would have cut them: whereupon Panurge set fire to the train, and there burnt them up all like damned souls, both men and horses, not one escaping save one alone, who being mounted on a fleet Turkey courser, by mere speed in flight got himself out of the circle of the ropes; but when Carpalin perceived him, he ran after him with such nimbleness and celerity, that he overtook him in less than a hundred paces; then leaping close behind him upon the crupper of his horse, clasped him in his arms, and brought him back to the ship.  
This exploit being ended Pantagruel was very jovial, and wondrously commended the industry of these Gentlemen, whom he called his fellow-soldiers, and made them refresh themselves, and feed well and merrily upon the seashore, and drink heartily with their bellies upon the ground, and their prisoner with them, whom they admitted to that familiarity: only that the poor devil was somewhat afraid that Pantagruel would have eaten him up whole, which, considering the wideness of his mouth, and capacity of his throat, was no great matter for him to have done; for he could have done it, as easily as you would eat a small comfit, he showing no more in his throat, then would a grain of millet-seed in the mouth of an Ass.   

CHAP. XXVI.  
How Pantagruel and his company were weary in eating still salt meats: and how Carpalin went a hunting to have some Venison.  
THus as they talked & chatted together, Carpalin said, And by the belly of St. Quenet, shall we never eat any venison? this salted meat makes me horribly dry, I will go fetch you a quarter of one of those horses which we have burnt, it is well roasted already: as he was rising up to go about it, he perceived under the side of a wood a fair great roebuck, which was come out of his Fort (as I conceive) at the sight of Panurge's fire: him did he pursue and run after with as much vigour and swiftness, as if it had been a bolt out of a crossbow, and caught him in a moment; and whilst he was in his course, he with his hands took in the air four great bustards, seven bitterns, six and twenty grey partridges, two and thirty red l●gged ones, sixteen pheasants, nine woodcocks, nineteen herons, two and thirty coushots and ringdoves; and with his feet killed ten or twelve hares and rabbits, which were then at relief, and pretty big withal, eighteen rails in a knot together, with fifteen young wild boars▪ two little Bevers, and three great foxes: so striking the Kid with his falchion athwart the head he killed him, and bearing him on his back, he in his return took up his hares, rails, and young wild boars, and as far off as he could be heard, cried out, & said, Panurge my friend, vinegar, vinegar: then the good Pantagruel, thinking he had fainted, commanded them to provide him some vinegar; but Panurge knew well that there was some good prey in hands, and forthwith showed unto noble Pantagruel how he was bearing upon his back a fair roebuck, and all his girdle bordered with hares; then immediately did Epistemon make in the name of the nine Muses, nine antic wooden spits: Eusthenes did help to flay, and Panurge placed two great cuirasier saddles, in such sort that they served for Andirons and making their prisoner to be their Cook, they roasted their venison by the fire, wherein the horsemen were burnt: and making great cheer with a good deal of vinegar, the devil a one of them did forbear from his victuals, it was a triumphant and incomparable spectacle, to see how they ravened and devoured. Then said Pantagruel, Would to God every one of you had two pairs of little Anthem or Sacring bells hanging at your chin, and that I had at mine the great clocks of Renes, of Poitiers, of Tours, and of Cambray, to see what a peal they would ring with the wagging of our chaps; But, said Panurge, it were better we thought a little upon our business, and by what means we might get the upper hand of our enemies: That is well remembered, said Pantagruel; therefore spoke he thus to the prisoner, My friend, tell us here the truth, and do not lie to us at all, if thou wouldst not be flayed alive, for it is I that eat the little children: relate unto us at full the order, the number and the strength of the Army: to which the prisoner answered, Sir, know for a truth that in the army there are three hundred giants, all armed with armour of proof, and wonderful great: nevertheless, not fully so great as you, except one that is their head, named Loupgarou, who is armed from head to foot with Cyclopical annuils; furthermore, one hundred threescore and three thousand foot, all armed with the skins of hobgoblins, strong and valiant men: eleven thousand four hundred men at arms or cuirasiers: three thousand six hundred double canons, and harquebusiers without number; fourscore and fourteen thousand Pioners: one hundred and fifty thousand whores, fair like goddesses, (that is, for me said Panurge,) whereof some are Amazons, some Lionnoises, others Parisiennes, Taurangelles, Angevines, Poictevines, normans, and high dutch, there are of them of all Countries, and all Languages,  
Yea, but (said Pantagruel) is the King there? Yes Sir, (said the prisoner) he is there in person, and we call him Anarchus, King of the Dipsodes, which is as much to say as thirsty people, for you never saw men more thirsty, nor more willing to drink, and his tent is guarded by the Giants: It is enough (said Pantagruel) come brave boys, are you resolved to go with me? To which Panurge answered, God confound him that leaves you: I have already bethought myself how I will kill them all like pigs, and so the devil one leg of them shall escape: but I am somewhat troubled about one thing: And what is that? said Pantagruel: It is (said Panurge) how I shall be able to set forward to the jusling and bragmardising of all the whores that be there this afternoon, in such sort, that there escape not one unbumped by me, breasted and jumed after the ordinary fashion of man and woman, in the Venetian conflict. Ha, ha, ha, ha, said Pantagruel.  
And Carpalin said; The devil take these sink-holes, if by G— I do not bombast some one of them: Then said Eusthenes, What shall not I have any, whose paces since we came from Rowen, were never so well wound up, as that my needle could mount to ten or eleven a clock till now, that I have it hard, stiff and strong, like a hundred devils? Truly, (said Panurge,) thou shalt have of the fattest, and of those that are most plump, and in the best case.  
How now? (said Epistemon) every one shall ride, and I must lead the Ass, the devil take him that will do so, we will make use of the right of war, Qui potest capere, capiat: No, no, said Panurge, but tie thine Ass to a crook, and ride as the world doth: And the good Pantagruel laughed at all this, and said nnto them, You reckon without your host; I am much afraid, that before it be night I shall see you in such taking, that you will have no great stomach to ride, but more like to be rode upon, with sound blows of pike and lance: Baste, (said Epistemon) enough of that, I will not fail to bring them to you, either to roast or boil, to fry or put in paste: they are not so many in number, as were in the army of Xerxes, for he had thirty hundred thousand fight men, if you will believe Herodotus and Trogus Pompeius: and yet Themistocles with a few men overthrew them all: for God's sake take you no care for that. Cobsminnie, Cobsminnie, (said Panurge) my Codpiece alone shall suffice to overthrow all the men; and my St. Sweep-hole that dwells within it, shall lay all the women squat upon their backs●Up then my lads (said Pantagruel) and let us march along.   

CHAP. XXVII.  
How Pantagruel set up one Trophy in memorial of their valour, and Panurge another in remembrance of the hares: How Pantagruel likewise with his farts begat little men, and with his fisgs little women: and how Panurge broke a great staff over two glasses.  
BEfore we depart hence, (said Pantagruel) in remembrance of the exploit that you have now performed, I will in this place erect a fair Trophy: then every man amongst them with great joy, and fine little Countrey-songs set up a huge big post, whereunto they hanged a great cuirasier saddle, the fronstal of a barbed horse, bridle-bosses, pullie-pieces for the knees, stirrup-leathers, spurs, stirrups, a coat of male, a corslet tempered with steel, a battle-axe, a shrong, short and sharp horsemans' sword, a gauntlet, a horsemans' mace, gushet-armour for the armpits, leg-harness, and a gorget, with all other furniture needful for the decorement of a triumphant arch, in sign of a Trophy. And then Pantagruel for an eternal memorial, wrote this victorial Ditton, as followeth.  

Here was the prowess made apparent of  
Four brave and valiant champions of proof,  
Who without any arms but wit, at once  
(Like Fabius, or the two Scipions)  
Burnt in a fire six hundred and threescore  
Crablice●, strong rogues ne'er vanquished before.  
By this each King may learn, rock, pawn, and Knight,  
That slight is much more prevalent than might;   

For victory  
(As all men see)  
Hangs on the Ditty  
Of that Committie,  
Where the great God  
Hath his abode:   

Nor doth he it to strong and great men give,  
But to his elect, as we must believe;  
Therefore shall he obtain wealth and esteem,  
Who through faith doth put his trust in him.   
Whilst Pantagruel was writing these foresaid verses, Pa●urge halved and fixed upon a great stake the horns of a roebuck together with the skin, and the right forefoot thereof, the ears of three leurets, the chine of a coney, the jaws of a hare, the wings of two bustards, the feet of four queest-doves, a bottle or borracho full of vinegar, a horn wherein to put salt, a wooden spit, a larding stick, a scurvy kettle full of holes, a dripping pan to make sauce in, an earthen salt-cellar, and a goblet of Beauvais. Then in imitation of Pantagruels verses and Trophy, wrote that which followeth:  

Here was it that four jovial blades sat down  
To a profound carousing, and to crown  
Their banquet with those wines, which please best great  
Bacchus, the Monarch of their drinking state:  
Then were the reins and furch of a young hare,  
With salt and vinegar, displayed there,  
Of which to snatch a bit or two, at once  
They all fell on like hungry scorpions:   

For th' Inventories  
Of Defensories  
Say that in heat  
We must drink neat  
All out, and of  
The choicest stuff;   

But it is bad to eat of young hare's flesh,  
Unless with vinegar we it refresh:  
Receive this tenet then without control,  
That vinegar of that meat is the soul.   
Then (said Pantagruel,) Come, my lads, let us be gone, we have stayed here too long about our victuals; for very seldom doth it fall out, that the greatest eaters do the most martial exploits, there is no shadow like that of flying colours, no smoke like that of horses, no clattering like that of armour: at this Epistemon began to smile, and said, There is no shadow like that of the kitchen, no smoke like that of pasties, and no clattering like that goblets: unto which answered Panurge, There is no shadow like that of curtains, no smoke like that of women's breasts, and no clattering like that of ballocks: then forthwith rising up he gave a fart, a leap, and a whistle, and most joyfully cried out aloud, Ever live Pantagruel: when Pantagruel saw that, he would have done as much; but with the fart that he let, the earth trembled nine leagues about, wherewith and with the corrupted air, he begot above three and fifty thousand little men, ill favoured dwarves, and with one fisg that he let, he made as many little women, crouching down, as you shall see in divers places, which never grow but like Cow's tails downwards, or like the Limosin radishes, round. How now (said Panurge) are your farts so fertile and fruitful? by G— here be brave farted men, and fisgued women, let them be married together, they will beget fine hornets and dorflies; so did Pantagruel, and called them Pigmies; those he sent to live in an island thereby, where since that time they are increased mightily: but the crane's make war with them continually, against which they do most courageously defend themselves; for these little ends of men and dandiprats, (whom in Scotland they call whiphandles, and knots of a tarre-barrel) are commonly very tasty and choleric: the Physical reason whereof is, because their heart is near their spleen.  
At this same time, Panurge took two drinking glasses that were there, both of one bigness, and filled them with water up to the brim, and set one of them upon one stool, and the other upon another, placing them about five foot from one another: then he took the staff of a javelin, about five foot and a half long, and put it upon the two glasses, so that the two ends of the staff did come just to the brims of the glasses: This done, he took a great stake or billet of wood, and said to Pantagruel, and to the rest: My Masters, behold, how easily we shall have the victory over our evemies; for just as I shall break this staff here upon these glasses, without either breaking or crazing of them▪ nay, which is more, without spilling one drop of the water that is within them, even so shall we break the heads of our Dipsodes, without receiving any of us any wound or loss in our person or goods: but that you may not think there is any witchcraft in this; hold (said he to Eusthenes) strike upon the midst as hard as thou canst with this log: Eusthenes did so, and the staff broke in two pieces, and not one drop of the water fell out of the glasses: Then said he, I know a great many such other tricks, let us now therefore march boldly, and with assurance.   

CHAP. XXVIII.  
How Pantagruel got the victory very strangely over the Dipsodes, and the Giants.  
AFter all this talk, Pantagruel took the prisoner to him, and sent him away, saying, Go thou unto thy King in his Camp, and tell him tidings of what thou hast seen, and let him resolve to feast me to morrow about noon; for assoon as my galleys shall come, which will be to morrow at furthest; I will prove unto him by eighteen hundred thousand fight men, and seven thousand Giants, all of them greater than I am; that he hath done foolishly and against reason, thus to invade my country, wherein Pantagruel feigned that he had an army at sea; but the Prisoner answered, that he would yield himself to be his slave, and that he was content never to return to his own people, but rather with Pantagruel to fight against them, and for God's sake besought him, that he might be permitted so to do: whereunto Pantagruel would not give consent, but commanded him to depart thence speedily, and be gone, as he had told him, and to that effect gave him a box full of Euphorbium, together with some grains of the black chameleon thistle, steeped into aqua vitae, and made up into the condiment of a wet sucket, commanding him to carry it to his King, and to say unto him, that if he were able to eat one ounce of that without drinking after it, he might then be able to resist him, without any fear or apprehension of danger.  
The Prisoner than besought him with joint hands, that in the hour of the battle he would have compassion upon him: whereat Pantagruel said unto him, After that thou hast delivered all unto the King, put thy whole confidence in God, and he will not forsake thee; because, although for my part I be mighty, as thou mayest see, and have an infinite numbe● of men in arms, I do nevertheless trust neither in my force nor in mine industry, but all my confidence is in God my Protector, who doth never forsake those that in him do put their trust and confidence. This done, the Prisoner requested him that he would afford him some reasonable composition for his ransom: to which Pantagruel answered, that his end was not to rob nor ransom men, but to enrich them, and reduce them to total liberty; Go thy way (said he) in the peace of the living God, and never follow evil company, lest some mischief befall thee. The Prisoner being gone, Pantagruel said to his men, Gentlemen, I have made this Prisoner believe that we have an army at sea, as also that we will not assault them till to morrow at noon, to the end, that they doubting of the great arrival of our men, may spend this night in providing and strengthening themselves, but in the mean time my intention is, that we charge them about the hour of the first sleep.  
Let us leave Pantagruel here with his Apostles, and speak of King Anarchus and his army. When the Prisoner was come, he went unto the King, and told him how there was a great Giant come, called Pantagruel, who had overthrown, and made to be cruelly roasted all the six hundred and nine and fifty horsemen, and he alone escaped to bring the news: besides that, he was charged by the said Giant, to tell him, that the next day about noon he must make a dinner ready for him, for at that hour he was resolved to set upon him: then did he give him that box wherein were those confitures; but assoon as he had swallowed down one spoonful of them, he was taken with such a heat in the throat, together with an ulceration in the flap of the top of the windpipe, that his tongue peeled with it, in such sort that for all they could do unto him, he found no ease at all, but by drinking only without cessation, for assoon as ever he took the goble● from his head, his tongue was on a fire, and therefore they did nothing but still pour in wine into his throat with a funnel, which when his Captains, Pashas, and guard of his body did see, they tasted of the same drugs, to try whether they were so thirst-procuring and alterative or no: but it so befell them as it had done their King, and they plied the flagon so well, that the noise ran throughout all the Camp, how the Prisoner was returned, that the next day they were to have an assault, that the King and his Captains did already prepare themselves for it, together with his guards, and that wiah carousing lustily, and quaffing as hard as they could, every man therefore in the army began to tipple, ply the pot, swill and guzzle it as fast as they could. In sum, they drunk so much, and so long, that they fell asleep like pigs, all out of order throughout the whole Camp.  
Let us now return to the good Pantagruel, and relate how he carried himself in this business, departing from the place of the Trophies: he took the mast of their ship in his hand like a Pilgrim's staff, and put within the top of it two hundred and seven and thirty poinsons of white wine of Anjou, the rest was of Rowen, and tied up to his girdle the bark all full of salt, as easily as the Lanskennets carry their little panniers, and to set onward on his way with his fellow-soldiers. When he was come near to the enemy's Camp, Panurge said unto him, Sir, if you would do well, let down this white wine of Anjou, from the scuttle of the mast of the ship, that we may all drink thereof, like Britain's.  
Hereunto Pantagruel very willingly consented, and they drank so neat, that there was not so much as one poor drop left, of two hundred and seven and thirty punchons, except one Borachio or leathern bottle of Tours, which Panurge filled for himself, (for he called that his vade mecum,) and some scurvy lees of wine in the bottom, which served him in stead of vinegar. After they had whittled and curried the can pretty handsomely; Panurge gave Pantagruel to eat some devilish drugs, compounded of Lithotripton, (which is a stone-dissolving ingredient,) nephrocatarticon, (that purgeth the reins) the marmalade of Quinces, (called Codiniac) a confection of Cantharideses, (which are green flies breeding on the tops of olive-trees) and other kinds of diuretic or pisse-procuring simples. This done, Pantagruel said to Carpalin, Go into the City, scrambling like a cat up against the wall, as you can well do, and tell them that now presently they come out, and charge their enemies as rudely as they can, and having said so, come down taking a lighted torch with you, wherewith you shall set on fire all the rents and 〈◊〉 the Camp, then cry as loud as you are able with your great voice, and then come away from thence. Yea but, said Carpalin, were it not good to cloy all their ordnance? No, no, (said Pantagruel) only blow up all their powder. Carpalin obeying him, departed suddenly, and did as he was ●●pointed by Pantagruel, and all the Combatants came forth that were in the City, and when he had set fire in the tents and pavilions, he passed so lightly through them, and so highly and profoundly did they snort and sleep, that they never perceived him. He came to the place where their Artillery was, and set their munition on fire: but here was the danger, the fire was so sudden, that poor Carpalin had almost been burnt; and had it not been for his wonderful agility, he had been fried like a roasting pig: but he departed away so speedily, that a bolt or arrow out of a crossbow could not have had a swifter motion. When he was clear of their trenches, he shooted aloud, and cried out so dreadfully, and with such amazement to the hearers, that it seemed all the devils of hell had been let loose: at which noise the enemies awaked, but can you tell how? even no less astonished the●● are Monks, at the ringing of the first peal to Matins, which in Lusonnois is called Rubbalock.  
In the mean time Pantagruel began to sow the salt that he had in his bark, and because they slept with an open gaping mouth, he filled all their throats with it, so that those poor wretches were by it made to cough like foxes. Ha, Pantagruel, how thou addest greater heat to the firebrand that is in us. Suddenly Pantagruel had will to piss, by means of the drugs which Panurge had given him, and pissed amidst the Camp so well and so copiously, that he drowned them all, and there was a particular deluge, ten leagues round about, of such considerable depth, that the history saith, if his father's great mare had been there, and pissed likewise, it would undoubtedly have been a more enormous deluge then that of Deucalion; for she did never piss, but she made a river, greater than is either the Rhosne, or the Danow, which those that were come out of the City s●eing, said, They are all cruelly slain, see how the blood runs along: but they were deceived in thinking Pantagruels urine had been the blood of their enemies; for they could not see but by the light of the fire of the pavilions, and some small light of the Moon.  
The enemies after that they were awaked, seeing on one side the fire in the Camp, and on the other the inundation of the urinal deluge, could not tell what to say, nor what to think; some said, that it was the end of the world, and the final judgement, which ought to be by fire: Others again thought that the sea-gods, Neptune, Protheus, Triton, and the rest of them did persecute them, for that indeed they found it to be like sea-water and salt.  
O who were able now condignly to relate, how Pantagruel did demean himself against the three hundred Giants; O my Muse, my Calliope, my Thalia, inspire me at this time, restore unto me my spirits; for this is the Logical bridge of asses: here is the pit-sall, here is the difficulty, to have ability enough to express the horrible battle that was fought; Ah, would to God that I had now a bottle of the best wine, that ever those drank, who shall read this so veridical history.   

CHAP. XXIX.  
How Pantagruel discomfited the three hundred Giants armed with free stone, and Loupgarou their Captain.  
THe Giants seeing all their Camp drowned, carried away their King Anarchus upon their backs, as well as they could out of the Fort, as Aeneas did to his father A●chises, in the time of the conflagration of Troy. When Panurge perceived them, he said to Pantagruel, Sir, yonder are the Giants coming forth against you, lay on them with you must gallantly like an old Fencer; for now is the time that you must show yourself a brave man and an honest. And for our part we will not fail you: I myself will kill to you a good many boldly enough; for why, David killed Goliath very easily; and then, this great Lecher Eusthenes, who is stronger than four oxen, will not spare himself. Be of good courage therefore, and valiant, charge amongst them with point and edge, and by all manner of means. Well▪ (said Pantagruel,) of courage I have more than for fifty francs, but let us be wise, for Hercules first never undertook against two; that is well cacked, well scummered, (said Panurge) do you compare yourself with Hercules? You have by G— more strength in your teeth, and more sent in your bum, than ever Hercules had in all his body and soul: so much is a man worth as he esteems himself. Whilst they spoke those words behold, Lougarou was come with all his Giants, who seeing Pantagruel in a manner alone, was carried away with temerity and presumption, for hopes that he had to kill the good man; whereupon he said to his companions the Giants, You Wenchers of the low country, by Mahoom, if any of you undertake to fight against these men here, I will put you cruelly to death: it is my will that you let me fight single, in the mean time you shall have good sport to look upon us: then all the other Giants retired with their King, to the place where the flagons stood, and Panurge and his Comrades with them, who counterfeited those that have had the pox, for he wreathed about his mouth, shrunk up his fingers, and with a harsh and hoarse voice said unto them, I forsake— odd (fellow soldiers) if I would have it to be believed, that we make any war at all; Give us somewhat to eat with you, whilst our Master's fight against one another; to this the King and Giants jointly condescended, and accordingly made them to banquet with them. In the mean time Panurge told them the follies of Turpin, the examples of St. Nicholas, and the tale of a tub. Loupgarou then set forward towards Pantagruel, with a mace all of steel, and that of the best sort, weighing nine thousand seven hundred kintals, and two quarterons, at the end whereof were thirteen pointed diamonds, the least whereof was as big as the greatest bell of our Lady's Church at Paris, (there might want perhaps the thickness of a nail, or (at most that I may not lie) of the back of those knives which they call cut-lugs or eare-cutters, but for a little off or on, more or less, it is no matter) and it was enchanted in such sort, that it could never break, but contrarily all that it did touch, did break immediately. Thus then as he approached with great fierceness and pride of heart: Pantagruel, casting up his eyes to heaven, recommended himself to God with all his soul, making such a Vow as followeth.  
O thou Lord God, who hast always been my Protector, and my Saviour, thou seest the distress wherein I am at this time: nothing brings me hither but a natural zeal, which thou hast permitted unto mortals, to keep and defend themselves, their wives and children, country and family, in case thy own proper cause were not in question, which is the faith; for in such a business thou wilt have no Coadjutors, only a Catholic Confession and service of thy Word, and hast forbidden us all arming and defence; for thou art the Almighty, who in thine own cause, and where thine own business is taken to heart, canst defend it far beyond all that we can conceive, thou who hast thousand thousands of hundreds of millions of legigions of Angels, the least of which is able to kill all mortal men, and turn about the Heavens and earth at his pleasure, as heretofore it very plainly appeared in the army of Sennacherib, if it may please thee therefore at this time to assist me, as my whole trust and confidence is in thee alone: I VOW unto thee, that in all Countries whatsoever, wherein I shall have any power or authority, whether in this of Utopia, or elsewhere, I will cause thy holy Gospel to be purely, simply and entirely preached, so that the abuses of a rabble of hypocrites and false prophets, who by humane constitutions, and depraved inventions, have empoisoned all the world, shall be quite exterminated from about me. This Vow was no sooner made, but there W S heard a voice from heaven, saying, Hoc fac, & vinces: that is to say, Do this, and thou shalt overcome.  
Then Pantagruel, seeing that Loupgaro● with his mouth wide open was drawing near to him, went against him boldly, and cried out as loud as he was able, Thou diest, villain, thou diest, purposing by his horrible cry to make him afraid, according to the discipline of the Lacedæmonians. Withal, he immediately cast at him out of his bark which he wore at his girdle, eighteen cags, and four bushels of salt, wherewith he filled both his mouth, throat, nose and eyes: at this Loupgarou was so highly incensed, that most fiercely setting upon him, he thought even then with a blow of his mace to have beat out his brains: but Pantagruel was very nimble, and had always a quick foot, and a quick eye, and therefore with his left foot did he step back one pace, yet not so nimbly, but that the blow falling upon the bark, broke it in four thousand, fourscore and six pieces, and threw all the rest of the salt about the ground: Pantagruel seeing that, most gallantly displayed the vigour of his arms, and according to the Art of the axe, gave him with the great end of his mast a homethrust a little above the breast: then bringing along the blow to the left side, with a ●lash struck him between the neck and shoulders: After that, advancing his right foot, he gave him a push upon the covillons, with the upper end of his said mast, wherewith breaking the scuttle, on the top thereof he spilt three or four punchons of wine that were left therein.  
Upon that Loupgarou thought that he had pierced his bladder, and that the wine that came forth had been his urine: Pantagruel being not content with this, would have doubled it by a side-blow; but Loupgarou lifting up his mace, advanced one step upon him, and with all his force would have dashed it upon Pantagruel, wherein (to speak the truth) he so sprightfully carried himself, that if God had not succoured the good Pantagruel, he had been cloven from the top of his head to the bottom of his milt, but the blow glanced to the right side, by the brisk nimbleness of Pantagruel, and his mace sank into the ground above threescore and thirteen foot, through a huge rock, out of which the fire did issue greater than nine thousand and six tuns. Pantagruel seeing him busy about plucking out his mace, which stuck in the ground between the rocks, ran upon him, and would have clean cut off his head, if by mischance his mast had not touched a little against the stock of Loupgarous mace, which was enchanted, as we have said before: by this means his mast broke off about three handfuls above his hand, whereat he stood amazed like a Bell-Founder, and cried out, Ah Panurge, where art thou? Panurge seeing that, said to the King and the Giants, By G— they will hurt one another, if they be not parted; but the Giants were as merry as if they had been at a wedding: then Carpalin would have risen from thence to help his Master; but one of the Giants said unto him, By Golfarin the Nephew of Mahoon, if thou stir hence I will put thee in the bottom of my breeches, in stead of a Suppository, which cannot choose but do me good; for in my belly I am very costive, and cannot well cagar, without gnashing my teeth, and making many filthy faces. Then Pantagruel, thus destitute of a staff, took up the end of his mast, striking athwart and alongst upon the Giant, but he did him no more hurt than you would do with a fillip upon a Smith's Anvil. In the time Loupgarou was drawing his mace out of the ground, and having already plucked it out, was ready therewith to have struck Pantagruel, who being very quick in turning, avoided all his blows, in taking only the defensive part in hand, until on a sudden he saw that Loupgarou did threaten him with these words, saying, Now, villain, will not I fail to chop thee as small as minced meat, and keep thee henceforth from ever making any more poor men athirst; for then without any more ado, Pantagruel struck him such a blow with his foot against the belly, that he made him fall backwards, his heels over his head, and dragged him thus along at flay-buttock above a flightshot. Then Loupgarou cried out, bleeding at the throat, Mahoon, Mahoon, Mahoon, at which noise all the Giants arose to succour him: but Panurge said unto them, gentlemans, do not go, if you will believe me, for our Master is mad, and strikes athwart and alongst, he cares not where, he will do you a mischief; but the Giants made no account of it, seeing that Pantagruel had never a staff.  
And when Pantagruel saw those Giants approach very near unto him, he took Loupgarou by the two feet, and lift up his body like a pike in the air, wherewith (it being harnished with Anvils) he laid such heavy load amongst those Giants, armed with free stone, that striking them down as a Mason doth little knobs of stones, there was not one of them that stood before him, whom he threw not flat to the ground, and by the breaking of this stony armour there was made such a horrible rumble, as put me in mind of the fall of the butter-tower of St. Stephens at Bourge, when it melted before the Sun. Punurge, with Carpalin and Eusthenes, did cut in the mean time the throats of those that were struck down; in such sort that there escaped not one. Pantagrnel to any man's sight was like a Mower, who with his scythe (which was Loupgarou,) cut down the meadow grass (to wit the Giants,) but with this fencing of Pantagruels, Loupgarou lost his head, which happened when Pantagruel struck down one whose name was Riftandoville or pudding-plunderer, who was armed cap-a-pe with grison stones, one chip whereof splintring abroad cut off Epistemons' neck clean and fair: for otherwise the most part of them were but lightly armed with a kind of sandy brittle stone, and the rest with slaits: at last when he saw that they were all dead, he threw the body of Loupgarou, as hard as he could against the City, where falling like a frog upon his belly, in the great piazza thereof, he with the said fall killed a singed he-cat, a wet she-cat, a farting duck, and a bridled goose.   

CHAP. XXX.  
How Epistemon, who had his head cut off, was finely healed by Panurge, and of the news which he brought from the devils, and the damned people in hell.  
THis Gigantal victory being ended, Pantagruel withdrew himself to the place of the flagons, and called for Panurge and the rest, who came unto him safe and sound, except Eusthenes, (whom one of the Giants had scratched a little in the face, whilst he was about the cutting of his throat, & Epistemon, who appeared not at all: whereat Pantagruel was so aggrieved that he would have killed himself; but Panurge said unto him, Nay, Sir, stay a while, and we will search for him amongst the dead, and find out the truth of all: thus as they went seeking after him, they found him stark dead, with his head between his arms all bloody. Then Eusthenes cried out, Ah cruel death! hast thou taken from me the perfectest amongst men? At which words Pantagruel rose up with the greatest grief that ever any man did see, and said to Panurge, Ha, my friend, the prophecy of your two glasses, and the javelin staff was a great deal too deceitful, but Panurge answered, My dear bullies all, weep not one drop more, for he being yet all hot, I will make him as sound as ever he was; in saying this, he took the head, and held it warm foregainst his Codpiece, that the wind might not enter into it, Eusthenes and Carpalin carried the body to the place where they had banqueted, not out of any hope that ever he would recover, but that Pantagruel might see it.  
Nevertheless Panurge gave him very good comfort, saying, If I do not heal him, I will be content to lose my head (which is a fool's wager,) leave off therefore crying, and help me. Then cleansed he his neck very well with pure white wine, and after that, took his head, and into it synapised some powder of diamerdis, which he always carried about him in one of his bags. Afterwards, he anointed it with I know not what ointment, and set it on very just, vein against vein, sinew against sinew, and spondyle against spondyle, that he might not be wry-necked, (for such people he mortally hated, this done, he gave it round about some fifteen or sixteen stitches with a needle, that it might not fall off again, then on all sides, and every where he put a little ointment on it, which he called resuscitative.  
Suddenly Epistemon began to breath, than opened his eyes, yawned, sneezed, and afterwards let a great household fart; whereupon Panurge said, Now certainly he is healed, and therefore gave him to drink a large full glass of strong white wine, with a fugred toast. In this fashion was Epistemon finely healed, only that he was somewhat hoarse for above three weeks together, and had a dry cough of which he could not be rid, but by the force of continual drinking: and now he began to speak, and said that he had seen the devil, had spoken with Lucifer familiarly, and had been very merry in hell, and in the Elysian fields, affirming very seriously before them all, that the devils were boon companions, and merry fellows: but in respect of the damned, he said he was very sorry that Panurge had so soon called him back into this world again; for (said he) I took wonderful delight to see them: How so? said Pantagruel: because they do not use them there (said Epistemon) so badly as you think they do: their estate and condition of living is but only changed after a very strange manner; for I saw Alexander the great there, amending and patching on clouts upon old breeches and stockings, whereby he got but a very poor living.  
Xerxes was a Crier of mustard.  
Romulus, a Salter and patcher of patens.  
Numa, a nailsmith.  
Tarquin, a Porter.  
Piso, a clownish swain  
Sylla, a Ferrie-man.  
Cyrus, a Cowherd.  
Themistocles, a glasse-maker.  
Epaminondas, a maker of Mirrors or Looking-glasses.  
Brutus and Cassius, Surveyors or Measurers of land.  
Demosthenes, a Vine-dresser.  
Cicero, a fire-kindler.  
Fabius, a threader of beads.  
Artaxerxes, a rope-maker.  
Aeneas, a Miller.  
Achilles was a scauld-pated maker of hay-bundles.  
Agamemnon, a lick-box.  
Ulysses, a hay-mower.  
Nestor, a Deer-keeper or Forester.  
Darius, a Gold-finder, or Jakes farmer.  
Ancus Martius, a ship-trimmer.  
Camillus, a foot-post.  
Marcellus, a sheller of beans.  
Drusus, a taker of money at the doors of playhouses.  
Scipio Africanus, a Crier of Lee in a wooden slipper.  
Asdrubal, a Lanterne-maker.  
Hannibal, a Kettlemaker and seller of eggeshels.  
Priamus, a seller of old clouts.  
Lancelot of the lake, was a flayer of dead horses.  
All the Knights of the round Table were poor day-labourers, employed to row over the rivers of Cocytus, Phlegeton, Styx, Acheron and Lethe, when my lords, the devils had a mind to recreate themselves upon the water, as in the like occasion are hired the boat-men at Lions, the gondeleers of Venice, and oars at London; but with this difference, that these poor Knights have only for their fare a bob or flirt on the nose, and in the evening a morsel of course mouldy bread.  
Trajan was a Fisher of frogs.  
Antoninus, a Lackey.  
Comm●dus, a Jeat-maker.  
Pertinax, a peeler of walnuts.  
Lucullus, a maker of rattles and Hawks bells.  
justinian, a Pedlar.  
Hector, a Snapsauce Scullion.  
Paris was a poor beggar.  
Cambyses, a Mule-driver.  
Nero, a base blind fiddler, or player on that instrument which is called a windbroach: Fierabras was his servingman, who did him a thousand mischievous tricks, and would make him eat of the brown bread, and drink of the turned wine, when himself did both eat and drink of the best.  
julius Caesar and Pompey were boat-wrights and tighters of ships.  
Valentine and Orson did serve in the stoves of hell, and were sweat-rubbers in hot houses.  
Giglan and Govian were poor Swineherds.  
jafrey with the great tooth, was a tinder-maker and seller of matches.  
Godfrey de bullion, a Hood-maker.  
jason, was a Bracelet-maker.  
Don Pietro de Castille, a Carrier of Indulgences.  
Morgan, a beer-Brewer.  
Huon of Bourdeaux, a Hooper of barrels.  
Pyrrhus, a Kitchin-Scullion.  
Antiochus, a Chimney-sweeper.  
Octavian, a Scraper of parchment.  
Nerva, a Mariner.  
Pope julius was a Crier of pudding pies, but he left off wearing there his great buggerly beard.  
john of Paris, was a greaser of boots.  
Arthur of Britain, an ungreaser of caps.  
Pierce Forrest a Carrier of faggots.  
Pope Boniface the eighth, a Scummer of pots.  
Pope Nicholas the third, a Maker of paper.  
Pope Alexander, a rat-catcher.  
Pope Sixtus, an Anointer of those that have the pox.  
What, (said Pantagruel) have they the pox there too? Surely (said Epistemon) I never saw so many; there are there I think above a hundred millions; for believe, that those who have not had the pox in this world, must have it in the other.  
Cotsbody (said Panurge) them am I free; for I have been as far as the hole of Gibraltar, reached unto the outmost bounds of Hercules, and gathered of the ripest.  
Ogier the Dane was a Furbisher of armour.  
The King Tigranes, a mender of thatched houses.  
Galen Restored, a taker of Moldwarps.  
The four sons of Aymon, were all tooth-drawers.  
Pope Calixtus, was the barber of a woman's sineq uo non.  
Pope Urban, a bacon-pecker.  
Melusina, was a Kitchen drudge-wench.  
Mattabrune, a Laundress.  
Cleopatra, a Crier of onions.  
Helen, a broker for Chambermaids.  
Semiramis, the Beggar's lice-killer.  
Dido did sell mushrooms.  
Pentasilea sold cresses.  
Lucretia was an Alehouse keeper.  
Hortensia, a Spinstresse.  
Livia, a grater of verdigreece.  
After this manner, those that had been great Lords and Ladies here, got but a poor scurvy wretched living there below. And on the contrary, the Philosophers and others, who in this world had been altogether indigent and wanting, were great Lords there in their turn. I saw Diogenes there strut it out most pompously, and in great magnificence, with a rich purple gown on him and a golden Sceptre in his right hand. And which is more, he would now and then make Alexander the great mad, so enormously would he abuse him, when he had not well patched his breeches; for he used to pay his skin with sound bastinadoes; I saw Epictetus there most gallantly apparelled after the French fashion, sitting under a pleasant Arbour, with store of handsome Gentlewomen, frolicking, drinking, dancing, and making good cheer, with abundance of Crowns of the Sun. Above the lattice were written these verses for his device.  
To leap and dance, to sport and play,  
And drink good wine both white and brown:  
Or nothing else do all the day,  
But tell bags full of many ' a Crown.  
When he saw me, he invited me to drink with him very courteously, and I being willing to be entreated, we tippled and chopined together most theologically. In the mean time came Cyrus to beg one farthing of him for the honour of Mercury, therewith to buy a few onions for his supper? No, no, said Epictetus, I do not use in my almes-giving to bestow farthings, hold thou Varlet, there's a crown for thee, be an honest man: Cyrus was exceeding glad to have met with such a booty; but the other poor rogues, the Kings that are there below, as Alexander, Darius, and others stole it away from him by night. I saw Pathelin the Treasurer of Rhadamantus, who in cheapening the pudding-pyes that Pope julius cried, asked him, How much a dozen? Three blanks (said the Pope:) Nay (said Pathelin) three blows with a cudgel, lay them down here you rascal, and go fetch more: the poor Pope went away weeping, who when he came to his Master the Pye-maker, told him that they had taken away his pudding-pyes; whereupon his Master gave him such a sound lash with an eel-skin, that his own would have been worth nothing to make bag-pipe-bags of. I saw Master john le maire, there personate the Pope in such fashion, that he made all the poor Kings and Popes of this world kiss his feet, and taking great state upon him, gave them his benediction, saying, Get the pardons, rogues, get the pardons, they are good cheap: I absolve you of bread and pottage, and dispense with you to be never good for any thing: then calling Caillet and Triboulet, to him, he spoke these words, My Lords the Cardinals dispatch their bulls, to wit, to each of them a blow with a Cudgel upon the reins, which accordingly was forthwith performed.  
I heard Master Francus Villon ask Xerxes, How much the mess of mustard? A farthing, said Xerxes: to which the said Villon answered, The pox take thee for a villain: as much of square-eared wheat is not worth half that price, and now thou offerest to enhance the price of victuals: with this he pissed in his pot as the mustard-makers of Paris use to do. I saw the trained bowe-man of the bathing tub, (known by the name of the Francarcher de baignolet) who being one of the trusties of the Inqusition, when he saw Pierce Forrest making water against a wall, in which was painted the fire of St. Antony, declared him heretic, and would have caused him to be burnt alive, had it not been for Morgant, who for his Proficiat and other small fees gave him nine tuns of beer. Well (said Pantagruel,) reserve all these fair stories for another time, only tell us how the Usurers are there handled: I saw them (said Epistemon) all very busily employed in seeking of rusty pins, and old nails in the kennels of the streets, as you see poor wretched rogues do in this world; but the quintal or hundred weight of this old iron ware, is there valued but at the price of a cantle of bread, and yet they have but a very bad dispatch and riddance in the sale of it: thus the poor Misers are sometimes three whole weeks, without eating one morsel or crumb of bread, and yet work both day and night looking for the fair to come: nevertheless, of all this labour, toil and misery they reckon nothing, so cursedly active they are in the prosecution of that their base calling, in hopes at the end of the year, to earn some scurvy penny by it.  
Come, (said Pantagruel) let us now make ourselves merry one bout, and drink (my Lads) I beseech you, for it is very good drinking all this month: then did they uncase their flagons by heaps and dozen, and with their leaguer-provision made excellent good cheer: but the poor King Anarchus could not all this while settle himself towards any fit of mirth; whereupon Panurge said, Of what trade shall we make my Lord the King here, that he may be skilful in the Art, when he goes thither to sojourn, amongst all the devils of hell? Indeed (said Pantagruel) that was well advised of thee, do with him what thou wilt: I give him to thee: Gramercy (said Panurge) the present is not to be refused, and I love it from you.   

CHAP. XXXI.  
How Pantagruel entered into the City of the Amaurots, and how Panurge married King Anarchus to an old Lantern-carrying Hag, and made him a Crier of green sauce.  
AFter this wonderful victory, Pantagruel sent Carpalin unto the City of the Amaurots, to declare and signify unto them how the King Anarchus was taken prisoner, and all the enemies of the City overthrown, which news when they heard, all the inhabitants of the City came forth to meet him in good order, and with a great triumphant pomp, conducting him with a heavenly joy into the City, where innnumerable bonfires were set on, through all the parts thereof, and fair round tables which were furnished with store of good victuals, set out in the middle of the streets; this was a renewing of the golden age in the time of Saturn, so good was the cheer which then they made.  
But Pantagruel having assembled the whole Senate, and Common Councel-men of the town, said (My Masters) we must now strike the iron whilst it is hot; it is therefore my will, that before we frolic it any longer, we advise how to assault and take the whole Kingdom of the Dipsodes: to which effect let those that will go with me provide themselves against to morrow after drinking; for than will I begin to march, not that I need any more men than I have to help me to conquer it; for I could make it as sure that way as if I had it already, but I see that City is so full of inhabitants, that they scarce can turn in the streets; I will therefore carry them as a Colony into Dipsodie, and will give them all that Country, which is fair, wealthy, fruitful and pleasant, above all other Country's in the world as many of you can tell who have been there heretofore every one of you therefore that will go along, let him provide himself as I have said. This counsel and resolution being published in the City, the next morning there assembled in the piazza, before the Palace, to the number of eighteen hundred fifty six thousand and eleven, besides women and little children: thus began they to march strait into Dipsodie, in such good order as did the people of Israel when they departed out of Egypt, to pass over the red-sea.  
But before we proceed any further in this purpose, I will tell you how Panurge handled his prisoner the King Anarchus: for having remembered that which Epistemon had related, how the Kings and rich men, in this world were used in the Elysian fields, and how they got their living there by base and ignoble trades; he therefore one day apparelled his King in a pretty little canvas doublet, all jagged and pinked like the tippet of a light horsemans' cap, together with a pair of large Mariners breeches, and stockings without shoes; For (said he) they would but spoil his sight; and a little peach-coloured bonnet, with a great capon's feather in it: I lie, for I think he had two: and a very handsome girdle of a skye-colour and green, (in French called pers & vert) saying, that such a livery did become him well, for that he had always been perverse: and in this plight bringing him before Pantagruel, said unto him, Do you know this roister? No indeed, said Pantagruel: It is (said Panurge) my Lord, the King of the three batches, or threadbare sovereign: I intent to make him an honest man. These devilish Kings which we have here are but as so many calves, they know nothing, and are good for nothing, but to do a thousand mischiefs to their poor subjects, and to trouble all the world with war for their unjust and detestable pleasure: I will put him to a trade, and make him a Crier of green sauce: Go to, begin and cry, Do you lack any green sauce? and the poor wretch cried: That is too low (said Panurge;) then took him by the ear, saying, Sing higher in Gesolreut: So, so, (poor wretch) thou hast a good throat: thou wert never so happy as to be no longer King: and Pantagruel made himself merry with all this; for I dure boldly say, that he was the best little gaffer that was to be seen between this and the end of a staff. Thus was Anarchus made a good Crier of green sauce, two days thereafter Panurge married him with an old Lanterne-carrying Hag, and he himself made the wedding with fine sheepsheads, brave haslets with mustard, gallant salligots with garlic, of which he sent five horse-loads unto Pantagruel, which he ate up all, he found them so appetizing: and for their drink, they had a kind of small well-watered wine, and some sorbapple-cider: and to make them dance he hired a blind man, that made music to them with a windbroach.  
After dinner he led them to the Palace, and showed them to Pantagruel, and said, pointing to the married woman, You need not fear that she will crack: Why? said Pantagruel: Because, said Panurge, she is well slit and broke up already; What do you mean by that? said Pantagruel: Do not you see? said Panurge, that the chestnuts which are roasted in the fire, if they be whole, they crack as if they were mad; and to keep them from cracking, they make an incision in them, and slit them; so this new Bride is in her lower parts well slit before, and therefore will not crack behind.  
Pantagruel gave them a little lodge near the lower street, and a mortar of stone wherein to bray and pound their sauce, and in this manner did they do their little business, he being as pretty a Crier of green sauce, as ever was seen in the Country of Utopia: but I have been told since that his wife doth beat him like plaster, and the poor sot dare not defend himself, he is so simple.   

CHAP. XXXII.  
How Pantagruel with his tongue covered a whole Army, and what the Author saw in his mouth.  
THus as Pantagruel with all his Army had entered into the Country of the Dipsodes, every one was glad of it, and incontinently rendered themselves unto him, bringing him out of their own good wills the Keys of all the Cities where he went, the Almirods only excepted, who being resolved to hold out against him, made answer to his Heralds that they would not yield but upon very honourable and good conditions.  
What? (said Pantagruel) do they ask any better terms, than the hand at the pot, and the glass in their fist? Come let us go sack them, and put them all to the sword: then did they put themselves in good order, as being fully determined to give an assault, but by the way passing through a large field, they were overtaken with a great shower of rain, whereat they began to shiver and tremble, to crowd, press and thrust close to one another. When Pantagruel saw that, he made their Captains tell them, that it was nothing, and that he saw well above the clouds, that it would be nothing but a little dew; but howsoever, that they should put themselves in order, and he would cover them: then did they put themselves in a close order, and stood as near to other as they could: and Pantagruel drew out his tongue only half-wayes and covered them all, as a hen doth her chickens. In the mean time I, who relate to you these so veritable stories, hid myself under a burdock-leafe, which was not much less in largeness then the arch of the bridge of Montrible; but when I saw them thus covered, I went towards them to shelter myself likewise, which I could not do; for that they were so (as the saying is) At the yards end there is no cloth left. Then as well as I could, I got upon it, and went along full two leagues upon his tongue, and so long marched, that at last I came into his mouth: but oh gods and goddesses, what did I see there? jupiter confound me with his trisulk lightning if I lie: I walked there as they do in Sophy and Constantinople, and saw there great rocks like the mountains in Denmark, I believe that those were his teeth, I saw also fair meadows, large forests, great and strong Cities, not a jot less than Lions or Poitiers, the first man I met with there, was a good honest fellow planting coleworts, whereat being very much amazed, I asked him, My friend, what dost thou make here? I plant coleworts, said he: But how, and wherewith said I? Ha Sir, said he, every one cannot have his ballocks as heavy as a mortar, neither can we be all rich: thus do I get my poor living, and carry them to the market to sell in the City which is here behind Jesus! (said I) is there here a new world? Sure (said he) it is never a jot new, but it is commonly reported, that without this there is an earth, whereof the inhabitants enjoy the light of a Sun and a Moon, and that it is full of, and replenished with very good commodities; but yet this is more ancient than that: Yea, but (said I) my friend, what is the name of that City, whither thou carriest thy Coleworts to sell? It is called Alpharage, (said he) and all the indwellers are Christians, very honest men, and will make you good cheer. To be brief, I resolved to go thither. Now in my way, I met with a fellow that was lying in wait to catch pigeons, of whom I asked, (My friend) from whence come these pigeons? Sir, (said he) they come from the other world: then I thought, that when Pantagruel yawned, the pigeons went into his mouth in whole flocks, thinking that it had been a pigeon-house.  
Then I went into the City, which I found fair, very strong, and seated in a good air: but at my entry the guard demanded of me my pass or ticket: whereat I was much astonished, and asked them, (My Masters) is there any danger of the plague here? O Lord, (said they) they die hard by here so fast, that the cart runs about the streets; Good God (said I) and where? whereunto they answered that it was in Larinx and Phaerinx, which are two great Cities, such as Rowen and Nants, rich and of great trading: and the cause of the plague was by a stinking and infectious exhalation, which lately vapoured out of the abysms, whereof there have died above two and twenty hundred and threescore thousand and sixteen persons within this seven-night; then I considered, calculated and found, that it was a rank and unsavoury breathing, which came out of Pantagruels stomach, when he did eat so much garlic, as we have aforesaid.  
Parting from thence, I passed amongst the rocks, which were his teeth, and never left walking till I got up on one of them; and there I found the pleasantest places in the world great large tennis-Courts, fair galleries, sweet meadows, store of Vines, and an infinite number of banqueting summer outhouses in the fields, after the Italian fashion, full of pleasure and delight, where I stayed full four months, and never made better cheer in my life as then. After that I went down by the hinder teeth to comt to the chaps; but in the way I was robbed by thiefs in a great forest, that is in the territory towards the ears: then (after, a little further travelling) I fell upon a pretty petty village, (truly I have forgot the name of it) where I was yet merrier than ever, and got some certain money to live by, can you tell how? by sleeping; for there they hire men by the day to sleep, and they get by it six pence a day, but they that can s●ort hard get at least nine pence. How I had been robbed in the valley I informed the Senators, who told me that in very truth the people of that side were bad livers, and naturally thievish, whereby I perceived well, that as we have with us the Country's cisalpin and transalpine, that is, behither and beyond the mountains, so have they there the Country's cidentine and tradentine, that is, behither and beyond the teeth: but it is far better living on this side, and the air is purer. There I began to think, that it is very true which is commonly said, that the one half of the world knoweth not how the other half liveth; seeing none before myself had ever written of that Country, wherein are above five and twenty Kingdoms inhabited, besides deserts, and a great arm of the sea: concerning which purpose, I have composed a great book entitled The History of the Throttias, because they dwell in the throat of my Master Pantagruel.  
At last I was willing to return, and passing by his beard, I cast myself upon his shoulders, and from thence slid down to the ground, and fell before him: assoon as I was perceived by him, he asked me, Whence comest thou, Alcosribas? I answered him, Out of your mouth, my Lord? and how long hast thou been there? said he. Since the time (said I) that you went against the A●●nirods; That is, about six months ago, said he: and wherewith didst thou live? what didst thou drink? I answered, My Lord, of the same that you did, and of the daintiest morsels that past through your throat I took to●l: Yea, but said he, where didst thou shi●e? In your throat (my Lord) said I: Ha, ha, thou art a merry fellow, said he. We have with the help of God conquered all the land of the Dipsodes, I will give thee the Chastebbeine, or Lairdship of Salmigondin; Gramercy, my Lord, said I, you gratify me beyond all that I have deserved of you.   

CHAP. XXXIII.  
How Pantagruel became sick, and the manner how he was recovered.  
A While after this the good Pantagruel fell sick, and had such an obstruction in his stomach, that he could neither eat nor drink: and because mischief seldom comes alone, a hot piss seized on him, which tormented him more than you would believe: His Physicians nevertheless helped him very well, and with store of lenitives and diuretic drugs made him piss away his pain: his urine was so hot, that since that time it is not yet cold, and you have of it in divers places of France, according to the course that it took, and they are called the hot Baths, as 

At Coderets.  
At Limous.  
At Dast.  
At Ballervie.  
At Nerie.  
At Bourbonansie and elsewhere in Italy.  
At Mongros.  
At Appone.  
At Sancto Petro de Adua.  
At St. Helen.  
At Casa Nuova.  
At St. Bartolomee in the County of Boulogne.  
At the Lorrette, and a thousand other places.    
And I wonder much at a rabble of foolish Philosophers and Physicians, who spend their time in disputing, whence the heat of the said waters cometh, whether it be by reason of Borax, or sulphur, or alum, or salt-peter that is within the mine; for they do nothing but dote, and better were it for them to rub their arse against a thistle, then to waste away their time thus in disputing of that, whereof they know not the original; for the resolution is easy, neither need we to inquire any further, then that the said baths came by a hot piss of the good Pantagruel.  
Now to tell you after what manner he was cured of his principal disease; I let pass how for a minorative, or gentle potion, he took four hundred pound weight of Colophoniack Scammonee: six score and eighteen cartload of Cassia: an eleven thoufand and nine hundred pound weight of Rhubarb, besides other confused jumblings of sundry drugs: You must understand, that by the advice of the Physicians, it was ordained that what did offend his stomach should be taken away; and therefore they made seventeen great balls of copper, each whereof was bigger than that which is to be seen on the top of St. Peter's needle at Rome, and in such sort, that they did open in the midst, and shut with a spring. Into one of them entered one of his men carrying a Lantern and a torch lighted, and so Pantagruel swallowed him down like a little pill: into seven others went seven Countrey-fellows, having every one of them a shovel on his neck: into nine others entered nine wood-carriers, having each of them a basket hung at his neck, and so were they swallowed down like pills: when they were in his stomach, every one undid his spring, and came out of their cabins: the first whereof was he that carried the Lantern, and so they fell more than half a league into a most horrible gulf, more stinking and infectious then ever was Mephitis, or the marshes of Camerina, or the abominably unsavoury lake of Sorbona, whereof Strabo maketh mention. And had it not been, that they had very well antidoted their stomach, heart and wine-pot, which is called the noddle, they had been altogether suffocated and choked with these detestable vapours. O what a perfume! O what an evaporation wherewith to bewray the masks or musters of young mangy queans: after that with groping and smelling they came near to the fecal matter and the corrupted humours; finally they found a montjoy or heap of ordure and filth: then fell the Pioners to work to dig it up, and the rest with their shovels filled the baskets; and when all was cleansed, every one retired himself into his ball.  
This done, Pantagruel enforcing himself to a vomit, very easily brought them out, and they made no more show in his mouth, than a fart in yours: but when they came merrily out of their pills, I thought upon the Grecians coming out of the Trojan horse: by this means was he healed, and brought unto his former state and convalescence; and of these brazen pills, or rather copper-balls, you have one at Orleans, upon the steeple of the Holy Cross Church.   

CHAP. XXXIV.  
The Conclusion of this present Book, and the excuse of the Author.  
NOw (my Masters) you have heard a beginning of the horrifick history of my Lord and Master Pantagruel: Here will I make an end of the first book; My head aches a little, and I perceive that the Registers of my brain, are somewhat jumbled and disordered with this septembral juice. You shall have the rest of the history at Franckfort mart next coming, and there shall you see how Panurge was married and made a Cuckold within a month after his wedding: how Pantagruel found out the Philosopher's stone, the manner how he found it, and the way how to use it: how he passed over the Caspian mountains, and how he sailed through the Atlantic sea, defeated the Cannibals, and conquered the isles of Pearls, how he married the daughter of the King of India, called Presian, how he fought against the devil, and burnt up five chambers of hell, ransacked the great black chamber, threw Proserpina into the fire, broke five teeth to Lucifer, and the horn that was in his arse. How he visited the regions of the Moon, to know whether indeed the Moon were not entire and whole, or if the women had three quarters of it in their heads, and a thousand other little merriments all veritable. These are brave things truly; Good night, Gentlemen, Perdonate mi, and think not so much upon my faults, that you forget your own. If you say to me▪ (Master) it would seem that you were not very wise in writing to us these flim-flam stories, and pleasant fooleries▪  
I answer you, that you are not much wiser to spend your time in reading them: nevertheless, if you read them to make yourselves merry, as in manner of pastime I wrote them, you and I both are far more worthy of pardon, than a great rabble of squint-minded fellows, dissembling and counterfeit Saints, demure lookers, hypocrites, pretended zealots, tough Friars, buskin-Monks, and other such sects of men, who disguise themselves like Maskers to deceive the world, for whilst they give the common people to understand, that they are busied about nothing but contemplation and devotion in fastings, and maceration of their sensuality; and that only to sustain and aliment the small frailty of their humanity: It is so far otherwise, that on the contrary (God knows) what cheer they make, Et Curios simulant, sed bacchanalia vivunt. You may read it in great letters, in the colouring of their red snouts, and gulching bellies as big as a tun, unless it be when they perfume themselves with sulphur; as for their study it is wholly taken up in reading of Pantagruelin books, not so much to pass the time merrily, as to hurt some one or other mischievously, to wit, in articling, sole-articling, wry-neckifying, buttock-stirring, ballocking, and diabliculating, that is, calumniating; wherein they are like unto the poor rogues of a village, that are busy in stirring up and scraping in the ordure and filth of little children, in the season of cherries and guinds, and that only to find the kernels, that they may sell them to the druggist's, to make thereof pomander-oile. Fly from these men, abhor and hate them as much as I do, and upon my faith you will find yourselves the better for it. And if you desire to be good Pantagruelists (that is to say, to live in peace, joy, health, making yourselves always merry) never trust those men that always peep out at one hole.  
The End of the Second Book of Rabelais.  
FINIS.   

THE TABLE OF THE CHAPTERS Contained in the First and Second Book of Rabelais.  

Of the First book  
THE Author's Prologue. Page 1.  
Of the Genealogy and Antiquity of Gargantua. ch. 1. p. 9  
A galimatia of extravagant conceits. ch. 2. p. 13  
How Gargantua was carried eleven months in his mother's belly. ch. 3. p. 18  
How Gargamelle being great with Gargantua, did eat a huge deal of tripes. ch. 4. p. 22  
The Discourse of the Drinkers. ch. 5. p. 24  
How Gargantua was borne in a strange manner. ch. 6. p. 30  
After what manner Gargantua had his name given him, and how he tippled, bibbed and eurried the Can. ch. 7. p. 34  
How they apparelled Gargantua. ch. 8. p. 37  
The Colours and Liveries of Gargantua. ch. 9 p. 43  
Of that which is signified by the Colours white and blue. ch. 10. p. 47  
Of the youthful age of Gargantua. ch. 11. p. 53  
Of Gargantua's wooden horses. ch. 12. p. 57  
How Gargantua's wonderful understanding became known to his father Grangousier, by the invention of a torchecul, etc. ch. 13. p. 61  
How Gargantua was taught Latin by a Sophister. ch. 14. p. 67  
How Gargantua was put under other Schoolmasters. ch. 15. p. 70  
How Gargantua was sent to Paris, and of the huge great mare that he road on; how she destroyed the oxe-flies of the Beauce. ch. 16. p. 73  
How Gargantua paid his welcome to the Parisians, and how he took away the great Bells of our Lady's Church. ch. 17. p. 76  
How Janotus de Bragmardo was sent to Gargantua to recover the great bells. ch. 18. p. 80  
The Oration of Master Janotus de Bragmardo for recovery of the bells. ch. 19 p. 82  
How the Sophister corried away his cloth, and how he had a suit in law against the other Masters. ch. 20. p. 85  
The study of Gargantua, according to the discipline of his Schoolmasters the Sophisters. ch. 21. p. 89  
The games of Gargantua ch. 22. p. 93  
How Gargantua was instructed by Ponocrates, and in such sort disciplinated, that he lost not one hour of the day. ch. 23. p. 99  
How Gargantua spent his time in rainy weather. ch. 24. p. 111  
How there was great strife and debate raised betwixt the Cake-bakers of Learn, and those of Gargantua's Country, whereupon were waged great wars. ch. 25. p. 114  
How the inhabitants of Learn, by the Commandment of Picrochole their King, assaulted the shepherds of Gargantua unexpectedly, and on a sudden. ch. 26. p. 119  
How a Monk of Sevile saved the Close of the Abbey from being ransacked by the enemy. ch. 27. p. 122  
How Picrochole stormed and took by assault the rock Clermond, and of Grangousiers unwillingness and aversion from the undertaking of war. ch. 28. p. 131  
The tenor of the letter which Grangousier wrote to his son Gargantua. ch. 29. p. 135  
How Ulrich Gallet was sent unto Picrochole. ch. 30. p. 137  
The speech made by Gallet to Picrochole. ch. 31. p. 138  
How Grangousier to buy peace caused the Cakes to be restored, ch. 32. p. 143  
How some Statesmen of Picrochole, by hare-brained counsel put him in extreme danger. ch. 33. p. 148  
How Gargantua left the City of Paris to succour his Country, and how Gymnast encountered with the enemy. ch. 34. p. 155  
How Gymnast very sound and cunningly killed Captain Tripet, and others of Picrocholes men. ch. 35. p. 158  
How Gargantua demolished the Castle of the ford of Vede. ch. 36. p. 162  
How Gargantua in combing his head, made the great Canon-ball fall out of his hair. ch. 37. p. 166  
How Gargantua did eat up six Pilgrims in a salad. ch. 38. p. 169  
How the Monk was feasted by Gargantua, and of the jovial discourse they had at supper. ch. 39 p. 173  
Why Monks are the outcasts of the world, and wherefore some have bigger noses than others. ch. 40. p. 179  
How the Monk made Gargantua sleep, and of his hours and breviaries. ch. 41. p. 183  
How the Monk encouraged his fellow Champions, and how he hanged on a tree. ch. 42. p. 187  
How the Scouts and fore-partie of Picrochole were met with by Gargantua, and how the Monk slew Captain Drawforth, and then was taken Prisoner by his enemies. ch. 43. p. 190  
How the Monk rid himself of his Keepers, and how Picrocholes forelorn hope was defeated. ch. 44. p. 193  
How the Monk carried along with him the Pilgrims, and of the good words that Grangousier gave them. ch. 45. p. 199  
How Grangousier did very kindly entertain Touchfaucet his Prisoner. ch. 46. p. 204  
How Grangousier sent for his legions, and how Touchfaucet slew Rashcalf, and was afterwards executed by the command of Picrochole ch. 47. p. 208  
How Gargantua set upon Picrochole within the rock Clermond, and utterly defeated the army of the said Picrochole. ch. 48. p. 213  
How Picrochole in his flight fell into great misfortunes, and what Gargantua did after the battle. ch. 49. p. 218  
Gargantua's speech to the vanquished. c. 50. 220  
How the victorious Gargantuists were recompensed after the battle. ch. 51. p. 226  
How Gargantua caused to be built for the Monk the Abbey of Theleme. ch. 52. p. 229  
How the Abbey of the Thelemites was built and endowed. ch. 53. p▪ 232  
The Inscription set upon the great gate of Theleme. ch. 54. p▪ 236  
What manner of dwelling the Thelemites had. ch. 55. p. 240  
How the men and women of the religious order of Theleme were apparelled. ch. 56. p. 243  
How the Thelemires were governed, and of their manner of living. ch. 57 p. 248  
A Prophetical Riddle. ch. 58. p. 251   

THE TABLE OF THE SECOND BOOK.  
THE Author's Prologue.  
Of the Original and Antiquity of the great Pantagruel. chap 1. page 1  
Of the Nativity of the most dread and redoubted Pantagruel. ch. 2. p▪ 10  
Of the grief wherewith Gargantua was moved, at the decease of his wife Badebec. ch. 3. p. 15  
Of the infancy of Pantagruel. ch. 4. p. 19  
Of the acts of the noble Pantagruel in his youthful age. ch. 5. p. 24  
How Pantagruel met with a Limosin, who 〈◊〉 affectedly did counterfeit the French Language. ch. 6. p. 30  
How Pantagruel came to Paris, and of the choice books of the Library of St. Victor. ch. 7. p. 34  
How Pantagruel being at Paris, received letters from his father Gargantua, and the Copy of them. ch. 8. p. 50  
How Pantagruel found Panurge, whom he loved all his life-time. ch. 9 p. 59  
How Pantagruel judged so equitably of a Controversy, which was wonderfully obscure and difficult, that by reason of his just decree therein, he was reputed to have a most admirable judgement. ch. 10. p. 67  
How the Lords of Kissebreech and Suckfist did plead before Pantagruel without an Attorney. ch. 11. p. 74  
How the Lord of Suckfist pleaded before Pantagruel. ch. 12. p. 81  
How Pantagruel gave judgement upon the difference of the two Lords. ch. 13. p. 88  
How Panurge related the manner how he escaped out of the hands of the Turks. ch. 14. p. 93  
How Panurge showed a very new way to build the walls of Paris. ch. 15. p. 102  
Of the qualities and conditions of Panurge. ch▪ 16. p. 110  
How Panurge gained the pardons, and married the old women, and of the suits in law which he had at Paris. ch. 17. p. 119  
How a great Scholar of England would have argued against Pantagruel, and was overcome by Panurge. ch. 18. p. 126  
How Panurge put to a nonplus the Englishman, that argued by signs. ch. 19 p. 134  
How Thaumast relateth the virtues and knowledge of Panurge. ch 20. p. 141  
How Panurge was in love with a Lady of Paris. ch. 21. p. 144  
How Panurge served a Parisian Lady a trick that pleased her not very well. ch. 22. p. 150  
How Pantagruel departed from Paris, hearing news that the Dipsodes had invaded the land of the Amaurots, and the cause wherefore the leagues are so short in the Isle of France. ch. 23. p. 155  
A Letter which a Messenger brought to Pantagruel from a Lady of Paris, together with the exposition of aposie written in a gold-ring. ch. 24. p. 157  
How Panurge, Carpalin, Eusthenes and Epistemon, (the Gentlemen Attendants of Pantagruel,) vanquished and discomfited six hundred and threescore horsemen very cunningly. ch. 25. p. 163  
How Pantagruel and his Company were weary in eating still salt meats: and how Carpalin went a hunting to have some venison. ch. 26. p. 166  
How Pantagruel set up one Trophy in memorial of their valour, and Panurge another in remembrance of the hares: how Pantagruel likewise with his farts begot little men, and with his fisgs little women: and how Panurge broke a great staff over two glasses. ch. 27. p. 172  
How Pantagruel got the victory very strangely over the Dipsodes and the Giants, ch. 28. p. 177  
How Pantagruel discomfited the three hundred Giants, armed with freestone, and Loupgarou their Captain. ch. 29. p. 185  
How Epistemon who had his head cut off, was finely healed by Panurge, and of the news which he brought from the devils, and the damned people in hell. ch. 30. p. 193  
How Pantagruel entered into the City of the Amaurots, and how Panurge married King Anarchus to an old Lanterne-carrying Hag, and made him a Crier of green sauce. ch. 31 p. 204  
How P●ntagruel with his tongue covered a whole army, and what the Author saw in his mouth. ch. 32 p. 209  
How Pantagruel became sick, and the manner how he was recovered. ch. 33. p. 215  
The Conclusion of this present book, and the excuse of the Author. ch. 34. p. 219   
FINIS.