The FIFTH BOOK OF THE WORKS OF FRANCIS RABELAIS, M. D.  
Containing the Heroic Deeds and Sayings Of the Good PANTAGRUEL.  
To which is added, The Pantagruelian Prognostication; Rabelais' Letters, and several other Pieces by that Author.  
Never before Printed in English.  
Done out of French by P. M.  
LONDON: Printed for Richard Baldwin, near the Oxford-Arms in Warwick-Lane. 1694.   

THE AUTHOR's PROLOGUE TO THE FIFTH BOOK.  
INdefatigable Topers, and you Thrice precious Martyrs of the Smock, give me leave to put a serious Question to your Worships, while you are idly stroking your Codpieces, and I myself not much better employed: Pray, Why is it that people say, that men are not such Sots nowadays as they were in the days of Yore? Sot is an old word, that signifies a Dunce, Dullard, Jolt-head, Gull, Wittol, or Noddy, one without Guts in his Brains, whose Cockloft is unfurnished, and in short, a Fool. Now would I know, Whether you would have us understand by this same Saying, as indeed you logically may, That formerly men were Fools, and this Generation is grown Wise? How many and what dispositions made them Fools? How many and what dispositions were wanting to make 'em Wise? Why were they Fools? How should they be Wise? Pray, how came you to know that men were formerly Fools? How did you find that they are now Wise? Who the Devil made 'em Fools? Who a God's name made 'em Wise? Who d'ye think are most, those that loved Mankind Foolish, or those that love it Wise? How long has it been Wise? How long otherwise? Whence proceeded the foregoing Folly? Whence the following Wisdom? Why did the old Folly end now, and no later? Why did the Modern Wisdom begin now, and no sooner? What were we the worse for the former Folly? What the better for the succeeding Wisdom? How should the Ancient Folly be come to nothing? How should this same new Wisdom be started up and established?  
Now answer me, an't please you; I dare not adjure you in stronger Terms, Reverend Sirs, lest I make your pious fatherly Worships in the least uneasy. Come, pluck up a good heart, speak the Truth, and shame the Devil. Be cheery, my Lads, and if you are for me, take me off three or five Bumpers to the best, while I make an halt at the first part of the Sermon; then answer my Question. If you are not, avaunt! avoid Satan! For I swear by my great Grandmother's Placket, (and that's a horrid Oath!) that if you don't help me to solve that puzzling Problem, I will, nay, I already do repent, having proposed it: For still I must remain nettled and graveled, and the Devil a bit I know how to get off. Well, what say you? I' faith, I begin to smell you out. You are not yet disposed to give me an answer; nor I neither, by these Whiskers. Yet to give some light into the business, I'll even tell you what had been anciently foretold in the matter, by a Venerable Doc, who being moved by the Spirit in a Prophetic Vein, wrote a Book yclept, The Prelatical Bagpipe. What d'ye think the Old Fornicator saith? hearken, you Old Noddies, harken now or never. 

The Jubilee's year, when all, like Fools, were shorn,  
Is about thirty [Trente] supernumerary.  
O want of Veneration! Fools they seemed,  
But, persevering, with long Briefs, at last  
No more they shall be gaping greedy Fools:  
For they shall shell the Shrub's delicious Fruit,  
Whose Flower they in the Spring so much had feared.   

L'an Jubilé que tout le monde raire  
Fadas se feit, est supernumeraire  
Au dessus Trente, O peu de reverence!  
Fat i'll sembloit; mais, en perseverance  
De long Brevets, fat plus ne gloux sera;  
Car le doux fruict de l' herb esgous era  
Don't tant craignoit la fleur en prime vere.   Now you have it, what do you make on't? The Seer is Ancient, the Style Laconic, the Sentences dark, like those of Scotus, though they treat of matters dark enough in themselves. The best Commentators on that good Father take the Jubilee after the Thirtieth, to be the years that are included in this present Age tili 1550, [there being but one Jubilee every fifty years.] Men shall no longer be thought Fools next Green Pease Season.  
The Fools whose number, as Solomon certifies, is infinite, shall go to pot like a parcel of mad Bedlamites as they are; and all manner of Folly shall have an end, that being also numberless, according to Avicenna, Maniae infinitae sunt species. Having been driven back and hidden towards the Centre, during the rigour of the Winter, 'tis now to be seen on the Surface, and buds out like the Trees. This is as plain as a Nose in a man's Face; you know it by experience, you see it. And it was formerly found out by that great good man Hypocrates, Aphorism. Verae etenim maniae, etc. The World therefore, wisifying itself, shall no longer dread the Flower and Blossoms of Beans every coming Spring; that is, as you may believe, Bumper in hand, and Tears in Eyes in the woeful time of Lent, which used to keep them company.  
Whole Cartloads of Books that seemed florid flourishing and flowery, gay and gaudy as so many Butterflies; but in the main were tiresome, dull, soporiferous, irksome, mischievous, crabbed, knotty, puzzling, and dark as those of Whining Heraclitus, as unintelligible as the Numbers of Pythagoras, that King of the Bean according to Horace: Those Books, I say, have seen their best days, and shall soon come to nothing, being delivered to the executing Worms, and merciless Petty-chandlers'; such was their Destiny, and to this they were Predestinated.  
In their stead Beans in Cod are started up; that is, these Merry and Fructifying Pantagruelian Books, so much sought nowadays, in expectation of the following Jubilee's period; to the Study of which Writings all People have given their Minds; and accordingly have gained the Name of Wise.  
Now, I think, I have fairly solved and resolved your Problem; then reform and be the better for it. Him once or twice like hearts of Oak, stand to your Pan-puddings, and take me off your Bumpers Nine go downs, and Huzza! since we are like to have a good Vintage, and Misers hang themselves: Oh! they'll cost me an Estate in Hempen Collars if fair Wether hold. For I hereby promise to furnish them with twice as much as will do their business, on free cost, as often as they will take the pains to dance at a Rope's end, providently to save Charges, to the no small disappointment of the Finisher of the Law.  
Now my Friends, that you may put in for a share of this new Wisdom, and shake off the antiquated Folly, this very moment, scratch me out of your scrouls, and quite discard the symbol of the old Philosopher with the Golden Thigh, by which he has forbidden you to eat Beans: For you may take it for a truth granted among all Professors in the Science of good eating, that he enjoined you not to taste of them, only with the same kind intent that a certain freshwater Physician had, when he did forbid to Amer, late Lord of Camelotiere, kinsman to the Lawyer of that Name, the Wing of the Partridge, the Rump of the Chicken, and the Neck of the Pigeon, saying, Ala mala, Rumpum dubium, Collum bonum pelle remotâ. For the Dunsical Dog-leech was so selfish, as to reserve them for his own dainty Chaps, and allowed his poor Patients little more than the bare Bones to pick, lest they should overload their squeemish Stomaches.  
To the Heathen Philosopher succeeded a pack of Capusions, Monks, who forbid us the use of Beans, that is, Pantagruelian Books. They seem to follow the Example of Philoxenus and Gnatho, Sicilians of fulsome Memory, the Ancient Master-Builders of their Monastic Cramgut Voluptuousness; who when some dainty Bit was served up at a Feast, filthily used to spit on it, that none but their nasty selves might have the stomach to eat of it, though their liquorish Chaps watered never so much after it.  
So those hideous, snotty, pthisicky, eavesdropping, musty, moving Forms of Mortification, both in public and private, curse those dainty Books, and like Toads spit their Venom upon them.  
Now though we have in our Mother-Tongue several excellent Works in Verse and Prose, and, Heaven be praised, but little left of the Trash and Trumpery stuff of those dunsical Mumblers of Avemaries, and the barharous foregoing Gothick Age; I have made bold to choose to chirrup and warble my plain Ditty, or as they say, to whistle like a Goose among the Swans, rather than be thought deaf among so many pretty Poets and Eloquent Orators. And thus I am prouder of Acting the Clown, or any other underpart among the many Ingenious Actors in that Noble Play; than of herding among those Mutes, who, like so many shadows and Ciphers, only serve to fill up the House, and make up a number, gaping and yawning at the Flies, and pricking up their Lugs, like so many Arcadian Asses at the striking up of the Music, thus silently giving to understand, that their Fopships are tickled in the right Place.  
Having taken this Resolution, I thought it would not be amiss to move my Diogenical Tub, that you might not accuse me of living without Example. I see a swarm of our Modern Poets and Orators, your Collinets, Marots, Drovets, Saingelais, Salels, Masuels, and many more; who having commenced Masters in Apollo's Academy on Mount Parnassus, and drunk Brimmers at the Caballin Fountain, among the Nine merry Muses, have raised our Vulgar Tongue and made it a noble and everlasting Structure. Their Works are all Parian Marble, Alebaster, Porphiry, and Royal Cement, They treat of nothing but Heroic Deeds, Mighty things, grave and difficult matters, and this in a Crimson Alamode Rhetorical Style. Their Writings are all Divine Nectar, rich, racy, sparkling, delicate and luscious Wine. Nor does our Sex wholly engross this Honour; Ladies have had their share of the Glory: One of them of the Royal Blood of France, whom it were a Profanation but to name here, surprises the Age at once by her transcendent and Inventive Genius in her Writings, and the admirable Graces of her Style. Imitate those great Exomples, if you can, for my part I cannot. Every one, you know, cannot go to Corinth. When Solomon built the Temple, all could not give Gold by handfuls.  
Since then 'tis not in my Power to improve our Architecture as much as they, I am even resolved to do like Renault of Montauban; I'll wait on the Masons, set on the Pot for the Masons, cook for the Stonecutters; and since it was not my good luck to be cut out for one of them, I will live and die the Admirer of their Divine Writings.  
As for you, little envious Prigs, snarling, bastard, puny Critics, you'll soon have railed your last: Go hang yourselves, and choose you out some well-spread Oak, under whose shade you may swing in state, to the admiration of the gaping Mob; you shall never want Rope enough. While I here solemnly protest before my Helicon, in the Presence of my Nine Mistresses the Muses, that if I live yet the Age of a Dog, eked out with that of three Crows, sound Wind and Limbs, like the old Hebrew Captain Moses, Xenophilus the Musicianer, and Demon●x the Philosopher, by Arguments no ways impertinent, and Reasons not to be disputed, I will prove, in the teeth of a parcel of Brokers and Retailers of Ancient Rhapsodies, and such mouldy Trash, That our Vulgar Tongue is not so mean, silly, poor, and contemptible, as they pretend. Nor ought I to be afraid of I know not what Butchers of old threadbare stuff a hundred and a hundred times clouted up and pieced together; wretched Bunglers, that can do nothing but new vamp old rusty Saws; beggarly Scavengers, that rake even the mddiest Canals of Antiquity for scraps and bits of Latin, as insignificant as they are often uncertain. Beseeching our Grandees of Witland, that, as when formerly Apollo had distributed all the Treasures of his Poetical Exchequer to his Favourites, little hulchbacked Aesop got for himself the Office of Apologuemonger: In the same manner, since I do not aspire higher, they would not deny me that of Puny Riparographer, or Riffraffscribler of the Sect of Pyrricus.  
I dare swear they will grant me this; for they are all so kind, so good-natured, and so generous, that they'll ne'er boggle at so small a Request. Therefore both dry and hungry Souls, Pot and Trenchermen, fully enjoying those Books, perusing, quoting them in their merry Conventicles, and observing the great Mysteries of which they treat, shall gain a singular Profit and Fame; as in the like case was done by Alexander the Great, with the Books of Prime Philosophy composed by Aristotle.  
O rare! Belly on Belly! what Swillers, what Twisters will there be!  
Then be sure, all you that take care not to die of the Pip, be sure, I say, you take my advice, and stock yourselves with good store of such Books, as soon as you meet with them at the Booksellers, and do not only shell those Beans in Cod, but even swallow them down like an Opiate Cordial and let them be in you, I say, let them be within you: Then shall you find, my Beloved, what good they do to all clever Shellers of Beans.  
Here is a good handsome Basketful of them, which I here lay before your Worships; they were gathered in the very individual Garden whence the former came. So I beseech you, Reverend Sirs, with as much Respect as e'er was paid by Dedicating Author, to accept of the Gift, in hopes of somewhat better against next Visit the Swallows give us.   

The Fifth Book of RABELAIS, Treating of the Heroic Deeds and Sayings of the Good PANTAGRUEL.  

CHAP. I. How Pantagruel arrived at the Ringing Island, and of the noise that we heard.  
PUrsuing our Voyage, we sailed three days without discovering any thing; on the fourth we made Land. Our Pilot told us, That it was the Ringing Island, and indeed we heard a kind of a confused and often-repeated Noise, that seemed to us at a great distance not unlike the sound of great, middlesized and little Bells rung all at once as 'tis customary at Paris, Tours, Gergeau, Nantes, and elsewhere on high Holidays; and the nearer we came to the Land, the louder we heard that Jangling.  
Some of us doubted that this was the Dodonoan Kettles, or the Portico called Heptaphone in Olympia, or the Eternal humming of the Colossus raised on Memnon's Tomb in Thebes of Egypt, or the horrid Din that used formerly to be heard about a Tomb at Lipara, one of the Eolian Islands. But this did not square with Chorography.  
I don't know, said Pantagruel, but that some swarms of Bees here abouts may be taking a Ramble in the Air, and so the Neighbourhood make this dingle dangle with Pans, Kettles, and Basins, the Co●ibanting Cymbals of Cybele, Grandmother of the gods, to call them back. Let's hearken! when we were nearer, among the everlasting Ringing, we heard the indefatigable Singing (as we thought) of some Men. For this Reason, before we offered to Land on the Ringing Island, Pantagruel was of opinion that we should go in the Pinnace to a small Rock, near which we discovered an Hermitage, and a little Garden. There we found a diminutive old Hermit, whose name was Braguibus, born at Glenay. He gave us a full Account of all the Jangling, and regaled us after a strange sort of a fashion; four live-long-days, did he make us fast, assuring us, That we should not be admitted into the Ringing Island otherwise, because 'twas then one of the four Fasting, or Ember-Weeks. As I love my Belly, quoth Panurge, I by no means understand this Riddle; methinks, this should rather be one of the four Windy-weeks, for while we fast, we are only puffed up with wind. Pray now, good Father Hermit, have not you here some other pastime besides Fasting; methinks 'tis somewhat of the leanest, we might well enough be without so many Palace-holidays, and those fasting Times of yours. In my Donatus, quoth Friar John, I could find yet but three Times or Tenses, the Preterite, the Present, and the Future, doubtless here the fourth ought to be a work of Supererogation. That Time or Tense, said Epistemon, is Aorist, derived from the Preterimperfect Tense of the Greeks, admitted in War, and odd Cases: Patience per force, is a Remedy for a Mad dog. Saith the Hermit, 'tis as I told you, fatal to go against this, whoever does it, is a rank Heretic, and wants nothing but Fire and Faggot, that's certain. To deal plainly with you, my dear Pater, cried Panurge, being at Sea, I much more fear being wet, than being warm, and being drowned than being burnt.  
Well, however, let us fast a God's Name; yet I have fasted so long, that it has quite undermined my Flesh, and I fear that at last, the Bastions of this Bodily Fort of mine will fall to ruin. Besides, I am much more afraid of vexing you in this same Trade of Fasting, for the Devil a bit I understand any thing in it, and it becomes me very scurvily, as several People have told me, and I am apt to believe them. For my part, I have no great Stomach to Fasting; for alas, 'tis as easy as pissing a Bed, and a Trade of which any body may set up, there needs no Tools. I am much more inclined not to fast for the future; for to do so, there's some Stock required, and some Tools are set a work. No matter, since you are so steadfast, and have us fast, let's fast as fast as we can, and then breakfast in the name of Famine; now we are come to these esurial idle Days. I vow, I had quite put them out of my head long ago. If we must fast, said Pantagruel, I see no other Remedy but to get rid of it as soon as we can, as we would out of a bad way. I'll in that space of time somewhat look over my Papers, and examine whether the Marine Study be as good as ours at Land. For Plato, to describe a silly, raw, ignorant Fellow, compares him to those that are bred on Shipboard, as we would do to one bred up in a Barrel, who never saw any thing but through the Bunghole.  
To tell you the short and long of the matter, our Fasting was most hideous and terrible; for, the first day we fasted at Fisticuffs, the second at Cudgels, the third at Sharps, and the fourth at Blood and Wounds; such was the Order of the Fairies.   

CHAP. II. How the Ringing Island had been inhabited by the Siticines, who were become Birds.  
HAving fasted as aforesaid, the Hermit gave us a Letter for one whom he called Albiam Camar, Master Aedituus of the Ringing Island; but Panurge greeting him, called him, Master Antitus. He was a little quear old Fellow, bald pated, with a Snout whereat you might easily have lighted a Card-match, and a Phiz as red as a Cardinal's Cap. He made us all very welcome, upon the Hermit's Recommendation, hearing that we had fasted, as I have told you.  
When we had well-stuffed our Puddings, he gave us an Account of what was Remarkable in the Island; affirming, That it had been at first inhabited by the Siticines, but that according to the course o● Nature, as all things, you know, are subject to change, they were become Birds.  
There I had a full Account of all that Atteius Capito, Paulus Marcellus, A. Gellius, Atheneus, Suidas, Ammonius and others had writ of the Siticines, and Sicinnists; and then we thought we might as easily believe the Transmutations of Nectimene, Progne, Itys, Alcyone, Antigone, Tereus, and other Birds. Nor did we think it more reasonable to doubt of the Transmogrification of the Macrobian Children into Swans, or that of the Men of Pallene in Thrace into Birds, as soon as they have bathed themselves in the Tritonie Lake. After this the Devil a word we could get out of him but of Birds and Cages.  
The Cages were spacious, costly, magnificent, and of an admirable Architecture. The Birds were large, fine, and neat accordingly; looking as like the men in my Country, as one Pea does like another; for they eat and drank like men, muted like men, endued or digested like men, farted like men, but stunk like Devils, slept, billed and trod their Females like men, but somewhat oftener; in short, had you seen and examined 'em from Top to Toe, you would have laid your head to a Turnip, that they had been mere men. However, they were nothing less, as Master Aedituus told us; assuring us at the same time, that they were neither Secular nor Layick; and ' truth is, the diversity of their Feathers and Plumes, did not a little puzzle us..  
Some of them were all over as white as Swans, others as black as Crows, many as grey as Owls, others black and white like Magpyes, some all red like Red-birds, and others purple and white like some Pigeons. He called the Males, Clerghawks, Monkhawks, Priesthawks, Abbothawks, Bishhawks, Cardinhawks, and one, Popehawk, who is a Species by himself. He called the Females, Clergkites, Nunkites, Priestkites, Abbesskites, Bishkites, Cardinkites, and Popekites.  
However, said he, as Hornets and Drones, will get among the Bees, and there do nothing but buzz, eat and spoil every thing, so, for these last Three hundred Years, a vast Swarm of Bigottello's flocked I done't know how among these goodly Birds every fifth full Moon, and have bemuted, bewrayed, and conskited the whole Island. They are so hard-favoured and monstrous, that none can abide 'em. For their wry Necks make a figure like a crooked Billet; their Paws are hairy like those of roughfooted Pigeons, their Claws and Pounces, belly and breech like those of the Stymphalid Harpies. Nor is it possible to root them out, for if you get rid of one, straight four and twenty new ones fly thither.  
There had been need of another Monster-hunter, such as was Hercules, for Friar John had like to have run distracted about it, so much he was nettled and puzzled in the matter. As for the good Pantagruel, he was even served as was Messer- Priapus, contemplating the Sacrifices of Ceres, for want of Skin.   

CHAP. III. How there is but one Popehawk in the Ringing Island.  
WE than asked Master Aedituus why there was but one Popehawk among such numbers of venerable Birds, multiplied in all their Species? He answered, that such was the first Institution and fatal destiny of the Stars. That the Clerghawks begot the Priesthawks and Monkhaws, without carnal Copulation, as some Bees are born of a young Bull. The Priesthawks beget the Bishhawks, the Bishhawks the stately Cardinhawks, and the stately Cardinhawks, if they live long enough, at last come to be Popehawk.  
Of this last kind, there never is more than one at a time, as in a Beehive there is but one King, and in the World is but one Sun.  
When the Popehawk dies, another arises in his stead out of the whole Brood of Cardinhawks, that is, as you must understand it all along, without carnal Copulation. So that there is in that Species an individual Unity, with a perpetuity of Succession, neither more nor less than in the Arabian Phoenix.  
'Tis true, that about Two thousand seven hundred and sixty Moons ago, two Popehawks were seen upon the Face of the Earth; but than you never saw in your lives such a woeful Rout and Hurly-burly as was all over this Island. For all these same Birds did so peck, clapperclaw and maul one another all that time, that there was the Devil and all to do, and the Island was in a fair way of being left without Inhabitants. Some stood up for this Popehawk, some for tother. Some, struck with a dumness, were as mute as so many Fishes; the Devil a Note was to be got out of them, Part of the merry Bells here were as silent as if they had lost their Tongues, I mean their Clappers.  
During these troublesome Times, they called to their Assistance the Emperors, Kings, Dukes, Earls, Barons, and Commonwealths of the World that live on t'other side the water; nor was this Schism and Sedition at an end, till one of them died, and the Plurality was reduced to Unity.  
We than asked what moved those Birds to be thus continually chanting and singing? he answered, that it was the Bells that hanged on the Tops of their Cages. Then he said to us, Will you have me make these Monkhawks whom you see bardocucullated with a Bag, such as you use to still Brandy, sing like any Wood-Larks? Pray do, said we. He then gave half a dozen pulls to a little Rope, which caused a diminutive Bell to give so many Ting-tings, and presently a parcel of Monkhawks ran to him as if the Devil had drove'em, and fell a singing like mad.  
Pray Master, cried Panurge, if I also rang this Bell, could I make those other Birds yonder with red-herring-coloured Feathers sing? Ay, marry would you, returned Aedituus. With this Panurge hanged himself (by the hands, I mean) at the Bell-Rope's end, and no sooner made it speak, but those smoked Birds hied them thither, and began to lift up their voices, and make a sort of an untowardly hoarse noise, which I grudge to call singing. Aedituus indeed told us, that they fed on nothing but Fish, like the Herns and Cormorants of the World, and that they were a fifth kind of Cucullati newly stamped.  
He added, that he had been told by Robert Valbringue, who lately passed that way in his Return from Africa, that a sixth kind was to fly hither out of hand, which he called Capushawks, more grum, vinegar-faced, brainsick, froward, and loathsome, than any kind whatsoever in the whole Island. Africa, said Pantagruel, still uses to produce some new and monstrous Thing.   

CHAP. IU. How the Birds of the Ringing Island were all Passengers.  
SInce you have told us, said Pantagruel, how the Popehawk is begot by the Cardinhawks, the Cardinhawks by the Bishhawks, and the Bishhawks by the Priesthawks, and the Priesthawks by the Clerghawks, I would gladly know whence you have these same Clerghawks. They are all of them Passengers, returned Aedituus, and come hither from t'other world; part out of a vast Country, called Want-o-bread, the rest out of another toward the West, which they style, Too-many-of-'em. From these two Countries flock hither every year, whole Legions of these Clerghawks, leaving their Fathers, Mothers, Friends and Relations.  
This happens when there are too many Children, whether Male or Female, in some good Family of the latter Country; insomuch that the House would come to nothing, if the Paternal Estate were shared among them all; (as Reason requires, Nature directs, and God commands.) For this cause Parents use to rid themselves of that Inconveniency by packing off the Younger Fry, and forcing them to seek their Fortune in this Isle Bossart, (Crooked Island.) I suppose he means I' Isle Bouchart, near Chinon, cried Panurge. No, replied t'other, I mean Bossart (Crooked); for there is not one in ten among them, but is either crooked, crippled, blinking, limping, ill-favoured, deformed, or an unprofitable load to the earth.  
'Twas quite otherwise among the Heathens, said Pantagruel, when they used to receive a Maiden among the number of Vestals; for Leo Antistius affirms that it was absolutely forbidden to admit a Virgin into that Order, if she had any Vice in her Soul, or Defect in her Body, though it were but the smallest Spot on any part of it. I can hardly believe, continued Edituus, that their Dams on t'other side the water go Nine Months with them; for they cannot endure them Nine Years, nay scarce Seven, sometimes in the House: But by putting only a Shirt over the other clothes of the Young Urchins, and lopping off I don't well know how many Hairs from their Crowns, mumbling certain apostrophised and expiatory words, they visibly, openly, and plainly, by a Pythagorical Metempsychosis, without the least hurt, transmogrify them into such Birds as you now see; much after the fashion of the Egyptian Heathens, who used to constitute their Isiacs, by shaving them, and making them put on certain Linostoles, or Surplices. However, I don't know, my good Friends, but that these She-things, whether Clergkites, Monkites, and Abbesskites (that should not) instead of singing some plaisant Verses and Charisters, such as used to be sung to Oromasis by Zoroaster's Institution, may be bellowing out such Catarates and Scythropys, (cursed, lamentable, and wretched Imprecations) as were usually offered to the Arimanian Daemon; being thus in Devotion for their kind Friends and Relations, that transformed them into Birds, whether when they were Maids, or Thornbacks, in their Prime, or at their last Prayers.  
But the greatest number of our Birds come out of Want-o-Bread, which though a barren Country, where the days are of a most tedious lingering length, overstocks this whole Island with the lower Class of Birds. For hither fly the Assaphis that inhabit that Land, either when they are in danger of passing their time scurvily for want of Belly-timber, being unable, or what's more likely, unwilling to take heart of grace, and follow some honest lawful calling, or too proud-hearted and lazy to go to service in some sober Family. The same is done by your frantic Inamoradoes, who when crossed in their wild Desires, grow stark-staring mad, and choose this Life suggested to them by their despair, too cowardly to make them swing like their Brother Iphis of doleful Memory. There is another sort, that is, your Goal-birds, who having done some Rogue's Trick, or other heinous Villainy, and being sought up and down to be trussed up, and made to ride the Two or Three-legged Mare that groans for them, warily scour off, and come here to save their Bacon: Because all these sorts of Birds are here provided for, and grow in an instant as fat as Hogs, though they came as lean as Rakes: For having the Benefit of the Clergy, they are as safe as Thiefs in a Mill, within this Sanctuary.  
But, asked Pantagruel, Do these Birds never return to the world where they wer● hatched? Some do, answered Aedituus ● formerly very few, very seldom, very late and very unwillingly. However, find some certain Ecclypses, by the virtue o● the Celestial Constellations, a great Crows of them fled back to the world. Nor d● we fret or vex ourselves a jot about it; for those that stay, wisely sing, The fewer the better Cheer; and all those that fly away first, cast off their Feathers here among these Nettles and Briars.  
Accordingly we found some thrown by there; and as we looked up and down we chanced to light on what some people will hardly thank us for having discovered; and thereby hangs a Tale.   

CHAP. V. Of the dumb Knighthawks of the Ringing Island.  
THese Words were scarce out of his mouth, when some Five and twenty or Thirty Birds flew towards us: They were of a Hue and Feather like which we had not yet seen any thing in the whole Island. Their Plumes were as changeable as the Skin of the Chameleon, and the Flower of Tripolion, or Tenerion. They had all under the Left Wing a Mark like two Diameters dividing a Circle into equal parts, or (if you had rather have it so) like a Perpendicular Linefalling on a Right Line. The Marks which each of them bore, were much of the same shape, but of different Colours; for some were White, others Green, some Red, others Purple, and some Blue. Who are those, asked Panurge, and how do you call them? They are Mongrels, quoth Aedituus.  
We call them Knighthawks, and they have a great number of rich Commanderies, (fat Livings) in your World. Good your Worship, said I, make them give us a Song, an't please you, that we may know how they sing. They scorn your words, cried Aedituus, they are none of your Singing Birds; but to make amends, they feed as much as the best two of them all. Pray, where are their Hens, where are their Females, said I? They have none, answered Aedituus. How comes it to pass then, asked Panurge, that they are thus bescabbed, bescurfed, all embroidered o'er the Phiz with Carbuncles, Pushes, and Pockroyals; Some of which undermine the handles of their Faces. This same Fashionable and Illustrious Disease, quoth Aedituus, is common among that kind of Birds, because they are pretty apt to be tossed on the Salt Deep.  
He then acquainted us with the occasion of their coming. This, next to us, said he, looks so wistfully upon you, to see whether he may not find among your Company a stately gaudy kind of huge dreadful Birds of Prey, which yet are so untoward, that they ne'er could be brought to the Lure, nor to Perch on the Glove. They tell us that there are such in your World, and that some of them have goodly Garters below the knee with an Inscription about them, which condemns him (qui mal y pense) who shall think ill of it, to be bewrayed and conskited. Others are said to wear the Devil in a string before their Paunches; and others a Ram's skin. All that's true enough, good Master Aedituus, quoth Panurge, but we have not the honour to be acquainted with their Knightships.  
Come on, cried Aedituus in a merry mood, we have had Chat enough o' Conscience! let's even go Drink,— and Eat, quoth Panurge: Eat, replied Aedituus, and Drink bravely old Boy; Twist like Plough-jobbers, and Swill like Tinkers, Pull away and save Tide; for nothing is so dear or precious as Time, therefore we'll be sure to put it to a good use.  
He would fain have carried us first to bathe in the Bagnio's of the Cardinhawks, which are goodly delicious places, and have us licked over with precious Ointments by the Alyptes, alias Rubbers, as soon as we should come out of the Bath. But Pantagruel told him, that he could Drink but too much without that: He than led us into a spacious delicate Refectuary, or Fratrie-room, and told us, Braguibus the Hermit, made you Fast Four day. together; now, contrariwise, I'll make you Eat and Drink of the Best, Four days through stitch before you budge from this place. But hark-ye-me, cried Panurge, mayn't we take a Nap in the mean time? Ay, ay, answered Aedituus, that's as you shall think good, for he that Sleeps, Drinks. Good Lord! how we lived! what good Bub! what dainty Cheer! Oh what an honest Cod was this same Aedituus!   

CHAP. VI How the Birds are crammed in the Ringing Island.  
PAntagruel looked I done't know howish, and seemed not very well pleased with the Four days Junketting which Aedituus enjoined us. Aedituus, who soon found it out, said to him, you know, Sir, that seven days before Winter, and seven days after, there is no Storm at Sea: For then the Elements are still, out of respect for the Halcyons, or Kingfishers, Birds sacred to Thetis, which then lay their Eggs and hatch their Young near the Shoar. Now here the Sea makes itself amends for this long Calm; and whenever some Foreigners come hither, it grows Boisterous and Stormy for four days together. We can give no other reason for it, but that it is a piece of its Civility, that those who come among us may stay whether they will or no, and be copiously Feasted all the while with the incomes of the Ringing. Therefore pray don't think your time lost, for willing, nilling, you'll be forced to stay; unless you are resolved to encounter Juno, Neptune, Doris, Aeolus and his Fluster-blusters; and in short, all the pack of ill-natured lefthanded Godlings and Vejoves. Do but resolve to be cheery, and fall to briskly.  
After we had pretty well stayed our stomaches with some tied snatches, Friar John said to Edituus, For aught I see, you have none but a parcel of Birds and Cages in this Island of yours, and the Devil-a-bit of one of them all that sets his hand to the Plough, or Tills the Land, whose Fat he devours: Their whole Business is to be frolic, to chirp it, to whistle it, to warble it, tos'ing it, and roar it merrily night and day; Pray then, if I may be so bold, Whence comes this Plenty and Overflowing of all dainty Bits and good Things which we see among you? From all the other World, returned Aedituus, if you except some part of the Northern Regions, who of late years have stirred up the Jakes; Mum! they may chance e'er long to rue the day they did so; their Cows shall have Porridge, and their Dogs Oats; there will be work made among them, that there will: Come, a Fig for't, let's Drink,— But pray what Countrymen are you? Tourain is our Country, answered Panurge; Cod so, cried Aedituus, you were not then hatched of an ill Bird, I'll say that for you, since the blessed Tourain is your Mother. For from thence there comes hither every year such a vast store of good Things, that we were told by some folks of the Place that happened to touch at this Island, that your Duke of Tourain's Income will not afford him to Eat his Bellyful of Beans and Beacon [a good Dish spoiled between Moses and Pythagoras] because his Predecessors have been more than liberal to these most holy Birds of ours, that we might here munch it, twist it, cram it, gorge it, craw it, riot it, junket it, and tickle it off, stuffing our Puddings with dainty Pheasants, Partridges, Pullet's with Eggs, Fat Capons of Loudunois, and all sorts of Venison and Wild Foul. Come Box it about, Tope on my Friends. Pray do but see yond jolly Birds that are Perched together, how Fat, how Plump, and in good Case, they look with the Income that Tourain yields us! And in faith they Sing rarely for their good Founders, that's the truth on't. You never saw any Arcadian Birds mumble more fair●y than they do over a Dish, when they see these two gilt Battoons, or when I Ring for them these great Bells that you see above their Cages. Drink on, Sirs, whip it away, verily Friends 'tis very fine Drinking to day, and so 'tis every day o' the week; thenDrink on, Toss it about; here's to you with all my Soul, you are most heartily Welcome: Never spare it, I pray you, fear not we should ever want good Bub, and Belly-Timber; for, look here, though the Sky were of Brass, and the Earth of Iron, we should not want wherewithal to stuff the Gut, though they were to continue so Seven or Eight years longer than the Famine in Egypt. Let us then with Brotherly Love and Charity refresh ourselves here with the Creature.  
Woons, man, cried Panurge, what a rare time you have on't in this World! Pshaw, returned Aedituus, this is nothing to what we shall have in t'other: The Elysian Fields will be the least that can fall to our Lot. Come, in the mean time let's Drink here, come here's to thee old Fuddlecap.  
Your first Siticines, said I, were superlatively wise, in devising thus a means for you to compass whatever all men naturally covet so much, and so few or (to speak more properly) none can enjoy together; I mean, a Paradise in this Life, and another in the next; sure you were Born wrapped in your Mother's smickits. O happy Creatures! O more than men! Would I had the luck to far like you.   

CHAP. VII. How Pantagruel came to the Island of the Apedefers, or Ignoramus's, with long Claws, and Crooked Paws, and of terrible Adventures and Monsters there.  
AS soon as we had cast Anchor and had mor'd the Ship, the Pinnace was put over the Ship's side, and Manned by the Coxswain's Crew. When the good Pantagruel had prayed publicly, and given thanks to the Lord that had delivered him from so great a Danger, he stepped into it with his whole Company, to go on shore, which was no ways difficult to do; for as the Sea was Calm, and the Winds laid, they soon got to the Cliffs. When they were set on shore, Epistemon, who was admiring the Situation of the Place, and the strange shape of the Rocks, discovered some of the Natives. The first he met, had on a short Purple Gown, a Doublet cut in Pains like a Spanish Leather Jerkin; half-sleeves of Satin, and the upper part of them Leather, a Coif like a Black Pot tipped with Tin; he was a good likely sort of a Body, and his name, as we heard afterwards, was Double-fee. Epistemon asked him, how they called those strange Craggy Rocks and Deep Valleys? he told him it was a Colony, brought out of Attorney-land, and called Process; and that if we forded the River somewhat further beyond the Rocks, we should come into the Island of the Apedefers. By the memory of the Decretals, asked Friar John, tell us, I pray you, what you honest men here live on? Could not a man take a chirping Bottle with you, to taste your Wine? I can see nothing among you but Parchment, Inkhorns and Pens. We live on nothing else, returned Double-fee; and all who live in this place must come through my hands. How, quoth Panurge, are you a Shaver then, do you fleece 'em? ay, ay, their Purse, answered Double-fee, nothing else. By the Foot of Pharaoh, cried Panurge, the De'll a Sous you'll get of me. However, sweet Sir, be so kind as to show an honest man the way to those Apedefers, or Ignorant People, for I come from the Land of the Learned, where I did not learn over much.  
Still talking on, they got to the Island of the Apedefers, for they were soon got over the Ford. Pantagruel was not a little taken up with admiring the Structure and Habitation of the People of the Place. For they live in a swingeing Wine-press, fifty steps up to it; you must know there are some of all sorts, little, great, private, middlesized, and so forth. You go through a large Peristile, alias a long Entry set about with Pillars, in which you see in a kind of Landscape the Ruins of almost the whole World; besides so many great Robbers Gibbets, so many Gallows and Racks, that 'tis enough to fright you out of your seven Senses. Double-fee perceiving that Pantagruel was taken up with Contemplating those things, Let us go further, Sir, said he to him, all this is nothing yet. Nothing, quoth he, cried Friar John, By the soul of my overheated Codpiece, Friend Panurge and I here shake and quiver for mere hunger. I had rather be drinking, than staring on those Ruins. Pray come along, Sir, said Double-fee. He then led us into a little Wine-press that lay backwards in a blind Corner, and was called Pithies in the Language of the Country. You need not ask whether Master John and Panurge made much of their sweet selves there; 'tis enough that I tell you, there was no want of Bolonia Sawcidges, Turky-poots, Capons, Bustards, Malmesy, and all other sorts of good Belly-Timber, very well dressed.  
A pimping Son of ten Fathers, who, for want of a better, who did the Office of a Butler, seeing that Friar John had cast a Sheep's eye at a choice Bottle that stood near a Cupboard by itself, at some distance from the rest of the Bottellic Magazine, like a Jack in an Office, said to Pantagruel, Sir, I perceive that one of your Men here is making love to this Bottle, he ogles it, and would fain caress it; but I beg that none offer to meddle with it; for 'tis reserved for their Worships. How, cried Panurge, there are some Grandees here then I see: 'Tis Vintage-time with you, I perceive.  
Then Double-fee led us up a private Staircase, and showed us into a Room, whence, without being seen, out at a Loophole, we could see their Worships in the great Wine-press, where none could be admitted without their leave. Their Worships, as he called them, were about a score of fusty Crackropes and Gallowclappers, or rather more, all posted before a Bar, and staring at each other like so many dead Pigs: Their Paws were as long as a Crane's Foot, and their Claws four and twenty Inches long at least; for you must know, they are enjoined never to pair off the least Chip of them, so that they grow as crooked as a Welsh Hook, or a Hedging Bill.  
We saw a swingeing Bunch of Grapes that are gathered and squeezed in that Country, brought in to them. As soon as it was laid down, they clapped it into the Press, and there was not a bit of it out of which each of them did not squeeze some Oil of Gold. Insomuch, that the poor Grape was tried with a Witness, and brought off so drained and picked, and so dry, that there was not the least moisture, juice or substance left in it, for they had pressed out its very quintessence.  
Double-fee told us they had not often such huge Bunches, but, let the worst come to the worst, they were sure never to be without others in their Press. But hark you me, Master of mine, asked Panurge, Have they not some of different growth? ay marry have they, quoth Double-fee; do you see here this little Bunch, to which they are going to give another's wrinch; 'Tis of Tyth-growth you must know; they crushed, wrung, squeezed and strained out the very heart's blood of it but t'other day, but it did not bleed freely, the Oil came hard, and smelled of the Priest's Chest; so that they found there was not much good to be got out of 't. Why then, said Pantagruel, do they put it again into the Press? only, answered Double-fee, for fear there should still lurk some Juice among the Husks, and Hullings, in the Mother of the Grape. The Devil be damned, cried Friar John, do you call these same Folks illiterate Lobcocks, and Dunsical Doddipoles? may I be broiled like a Red-herring, if I don't think they are wise enough to skin a Flint, and draw Oil out of a Brickwall. So they are, said Double-fee, for they sometimes put Castles, Parks and Forests into the Press, and out of them all extract Aurum potabile. You mean, Portabile, I suppose, cried Epistemon, such as may be born. I mean as I said, replied Double-fee, Potabile, such as may be drunk; for it makes them drink many a good Bottle more than otherwise they should.  
But I cannot better satisfy you as to the growths of the Vine-tree Syrup that is here squeezed out of Grapes, than in desiring you to look yourself yonder in that Back-yard, where you'll see above a thousand different growths that lie a waiting to be squeezed every moment. Here are some of the public, and some of the private growth; some of the Builders, Fortifications, Loans, Gifts and Gratuities, Escheats, Forfeitures, Fines and Recoveries, Penal Statutes, Crown-Lands and Demesne, Privy-Purse, Post-Office, Offerings, Lordships of Manors, and a world of other growths for which we want Names. Pray, quoth Epistemon, tell me of what growth is that great one with all those little Grapelings about it. Oh, oh! returned Double-fee, that plump one is of the Treasury, the very best growth in the whole Country; whenever any one of that growth is squeezed, there is not one of their Worships but gets Juice enough out of it to soak his Nose six Months together. When their Worships were up, Pantagruel desired Double-fee to take us into that great Wine-press, which he readily did. As soon as we were in, Epistemon, who understood all sorts of Tongues, began to show us many Devises on the Press which was large and fine, and made of the Wood of the Cross (at least Double-fee told us so.) On each part of it were names of every thing in the Language of the Country. The Spindle of the Press was called Receipt; the Trough, Costs and Damages; the Hole for the Vice-pin, State; the Side-boards, Money paid into the Office; the great Beam, Respite of homage; the Branches, Radiatur; the Side-beams, Recuperetur; the Fats, 
* 
plus Valeur.  
I don't know what it means.   Ignoramus; the two-handled Baskets, the Rolls; the Treading place, Acquittance; the Dossers, Validation; the Panniers, Authentic Decrees; the Pails, Potentials; the Funnel, Quietus est.  
By the Queen of the Chitterlings, quoth Panurge, all the Hieroglyphics of Egypt are mine A— to this Jargon. Why! here's a parcel of Words full as analogous as Chalk and Cheese, or a Cat and a Cartwheel! But why, pray thee, Dear Double-fee, do they call these Worshipful Dons of yours, Ignorant Fellows? Only, said Double-fee, because they neither are or aught to be Clerks, and all must be ignorant as to what they transact here; nor is there to be any other Reason given, but, The Court hath said it; The Court will have it so; The Court has decreed it. Cop's Body, quoth Panurge, they might full as well have called 'em Necessity; for Necessity has no Law.  
From thence, as he was leading us to see a thousand little puny Presses, we spied another paltry Bar, about which sat four or five ignorant waspish Churls, of so testy, fuming a Temper, and so ready to take Pepper in the Nose for Yea and Nay, that a Dog would not have lived with 'em. They were hard at it, with the lees and dregs of the Grapes, which they gripped over and over again, might and main, with their clenched Fists. They were called Contractors, in the Language of the Country. These are the ugliest, mishapen, grim-looked Scrubbs, said Friar John, that ever were beheld with or without Spectacles. Then we passed by an infinite number of little pimping Wine-presses, all full of Vintage-mongers, who were picking, examining, and raking the Grapes with some Instruments, called Bills of Charge.  
Finally, We came into a Hall down Stairs, where we saw an overgrown cursed mangy Cur with a pair of Heads, a Wolf's Belly, and Claws like the Devil of Hell. The Son of a Bitch was fed with Cost; for he lived on a Mulctiplicity of Fine Amonds, and Amerciaments, by Order of their Worships, to each of whom the Monster was worth more than the best Farm in the Land. In their Tongue of Ignorance they called him Twofold. His Dam lay by him, and her hair and shape was like her Whelp's; only she had four Heads, two Male, and two Female, and her Name was Fourfold. She was certainly the most cursed and dangerous Creature of the place, except her Grandam, that had been kept locked up in a Dungeon, time out of mind, and her Name was Refusing of Fees.  
Friar John, who had always twenty yards of Gut ready empty, to swallow a Gallimaufry of Lawyers, began to be somewhat out of humour, and desired Pantagruel to remember he had not dined, and bring Double-fee along with him. So, away we went, and as we marched out at the Back-gate, whom should we meet but an old piece of Mortality in Chains; he was half Ignorant, and half Learned, like an Hermaphrodite of Satan. The Fellow was all caparisoned with Spectacles, as a Tortoise is with Shells, and lived on nothing but a sort of Food, which, in their Gibberish, was called Appeals. Pantagruel asked Double-fee of what Breed was that Prothonotary, and what Name they gave him? Double-fee told us, that time out of mind, he had been kept there in Chains, to the great Grief of their Worships, who starved him, and his Name was Review. By the Pope's sanctify'd Two-pounders, cried Friar John, I don't much wonder at the meager Cheer which this old Chuff finds among their Worships, do but look a little on the weatherbeaten Scratch Toby, Friend Panurge; by the sacred Tip of my Cowle, I'll lay Five Pounds to a Hazel-Nutt, the foul Thief has the very Looks of Gripe-me-now. These same Fellows here, ignorant as they be, are as sharp and knowing as other Folk. But were it my Case, I'd send him packing with a Squib in his Breech, like a Rogue enough as he is. By my oriental Barnacles, quoth Panurge, honest Friar, thou'rt in the Right; for if we but examine that treacherous Review's ill-favoured Phiz, we find that the filthy Snudge is yet more mischievous and ignorant than these Ignorant Wretches here; since they (honest Dunces!) grapple and glean with as little harm and pother as they can, without any long Fiddle-comefarts, or Tantalising in the Case; nor do they dally and demur in your Suit, but, in two or three words, whip-stitch, in a trice▪ they finish the Vintage of the Close, bating you all those damned tedious Interlocutories, Examinations and Appointments, which frets to the heartsblood your Furred Law-cats.   

CHAP. VIII. How Panurge related to Master Aedituus, the Fable of the Horse and the Ass.  
WHen we had crammed and crammed again, Aedituus took us into a Chamber that was well furnished, hung with Tapestry, and finely gilded. Thither he caused to be brought store of Mirabolans, Cashou, Green Ginger preserved, with plenty of Hippocras, and delicious Wine. With these Antidotes, that were like a sweeter Lethe, he invited us to forget the hardships of our Voyage; and at the same time he sent plenty of Provisions on Board our Ships that rid in the Harbour. After this, we even jogged to Bed for that Night, but the Devil-a-bit poor Pilgarlic could sleep one wink, the everlasting jingle-jangle of the Bells kept me awake whether I would or no.  
About midnight Aedituus came to wake us, that we might drink. He himself showed us the way, saying, You Men of t'other World say that Ignorance is the Mother of all Evil, and so far you are right; yet for all that, you don't take the least care to get rid of it, but still plod on, and live in it, with it, and by it, for which cause a plaguy-deal of mischief lights on you every day, and you are right enough served; you are perpetually ailing somewhat, making a moan, and never right. 'Tis what I was ruminating upon just now. And, indeed, Ignorance keeps you here fastened in Bed, just as that Bully-rock Mars was detained by Vulcan's Art; for all the while you don't mind that you ought to spare some of your Rest, and be as lavish as you can of the Goods of this famous Island. Come, come, you should have eaten three Breakfasts already, and take this from me for a certain Truth, That if you would consume the Mouth-Ammunition of this Island, you must rise betimes; Eat them, they multiply; Spare them, they diminish.  
For Example: Mow a Field in due Season, and the Grass will grow thicker and better; don't mow it, and in a short time 'twill be floor'd with Moss. Let's drink, and drink again my Friends; come, let's all carouse it. The leanest of our Birds are now singing to us all, we'll drink to them if you please. Let's take off one, two, three, nine Bumpers, Non Zelus, sed Charitas.  
When Day peeping in the East, made the Sky turn from Black to Red, like a boiling Lobster, he waked us again to take a Dish of Monastical Browess. From that time we made but one Meal that only lasted the whole Day, so that I cannot well tell how I may call it, whether Dinner, Supper, Nunchion, or After-Supper; only to get a Stomach, we took a turn or two in the Island, to see and hear the blessed singing Birds.  
At Night Panurge said to Aedituus, give me leave, sweet Sir, to tell you a merry Story of something that happened some three and twenty Moons ago in the Country of Chastelleraudland.  
On the first of April, a certain Gentleman's Groom, Roger by Name, was walking his Master's Horses in some fallow ground. There 'twas his good Fortune to find a pretty Shepherdess, feeding her bleeting Sheep, and harmless Lambkins, on the Brow of a neighbouring Mountain, in the shade of an adjacent Grove: Near her, some frisking Kids tripped it o'er a green Carpet of Nature's own spreading, and to complete the Pastoral Landscape, There stood an Ass. Roger, who was a Wag, had a Dish of Chat with her, and after some If's, And's, and But's, Hem's, and Heighs on her side, got her in the mind to get up behind him, to go and see his Stable, and there take a Bit by the buy in a Civil way. While they were holding a parley, the Horse directing his discourse to the Ass (for all Brute Beasts spoke that year in divers places) whispered these words in his Ear: Poor Ass, how I pity thee! Thou slavest like any Hack, I read it on thy Crupper; thou dost well, however, since God has created thee to serve Mankind; thou art a very honest Ass: But not to be better Rubbed down, Curricomed, Trapped, and Fed than thou art, seems to me indeed to be too hard a Lot. Alas! Thou art all Rough-coated, in ill Plight; Jaded, Foundered, Crestfallen, and Drooping like a Mooting Duck, and Feedest here on nothing but course Grass, or Briars and Thistles: Therefore do but Place it along with me, and thou shalt see how we noble Steeds, made by Nature for War, are Treated; come, thou'lt lose nothing by coming, I'll get thee a taste of my Fare. I' troth Sir, I can but love you and thank you, returned the Ass; I'll wait on you, good Mr. Steed. Methinks, Gaffer Ass, you might as well have said, Sir Grandpaw Steed: Oh! Cry mercy, good Sir Grandpaw, returned the Ass; we Country Clowns are somewhat gross, and apt to knock Words out of joint. However, an't please you, I'll come after your Worship at some distance, lest for taking this Run my side should chance to be Firked and Curried with a Vengeance, as 'tis but too often, the more's my sorrow.  
The Sheperdess being got behind Roger, the Ass followed, fully resolved to Bate like a Prince with Roger's Steed. But when they got to the Stable, the Groom who spied the Grave Animal, ordered one of his Underlings to welcome him with the Pitch-fork, and Curricomb him with a Cudgel. The Ass who heard this, recommended himself Mentally to the God Neptune, and was packing off, thinking, and syllogising within himself thus; Had not I been an Ass, I had not come here among great Lords, when I must needs be sensible that I was only made for the use of the small Vulgar; Aesop had given me a fair warning of this in one of his Fables. Well, ● I must even scamper, or take what follows▪ With this he fell a Trotting, and Winsing, and Jerking, and Calcitrating, alias Kicking, and Farting, and Funking, and Curvetting, and Bounding, and Springing, and Galloping full drive, as if the Devil had been come for him in propriâ personâ.  
The Sheperdess who saw her Ass scour off, told Roger that 'twas her Cattle, and desired he might be kindly used, or else she would not stir her foot over the Threshold Friend Roger no sooner knew this, but he ordered him to be fetched in, and that my Master's Horses should rather chop Straw for a Week together, than my Mistress' Beast should want his Belly full of Corn.  
The most difficult point was to get him back; for in vain the youngsters complimented and coxed him to come; I dare not, said the Ass, I am bashful; and the more they strove by fair means to bring him with them, the more the stubborn Thing was untoward, and flew out at heels; Insomuch that they might have been there to this hour, had not his Mistress advised them to toss Oats in a Sieve, or in a Blanket, and call him, which was done, and made him wheel about, and say; Oats with a witness, Oats shall go to pot, adveniat; Oats will do, there's Evidence in the Case; but none of the Rubbing down, none of the Firking. Thus Melodiously Singing, for as you know that Arcadian Bird's Note is very Harmonious, he came to the young Gentlemen of the Horse, alias Blackgarb, who brought him into the Stable.  
When he was there, they placed him next to the great Horse, his Friend, Rubbed him him down, Curricomed him, laid clean Straw under him up to his Chin, and there he lay at Rack and Manger; the first stuffed with sweet Hay, the latter with Oats; which when the Horse- Valets-de Chambre sifted, he clapped down his Lugs to tell them by Signs that he would Eat it but too well without sifting, and that he did not deserve so great an honour.  
When they had well Fed, quoth the Horse to the Ass, Well poor Ass, how is it with thee now? How dost thou like this Fare? Thou wert so nice at first, a body had much ado to get thee hither. By the Fig, Answered the Ass, which one of our Ancestors Eating, Philemon died Laughing, this is all sheer Ambrosia, good Sir Grandpaw; But what would you have an Ass say? Methinks all this is yet but half Cheer; don't your Worships here use now and then to take a leap? What leaping dost thou mean, asked the Horse, the Devil leap thee, dost thou take me for an Ass? I' troth, Sir Grandpaw, quoth the Ass, I am somewhat a Blockhead you know, and can't for the heart's blood of me learn so fast the Courtway of speaking of you Gentlemen-horses; I mean don't you Stallionize it sometimes here among your metalled Fillies? Tush, whispered the Horse, speak lower; for, by Bucephalus, if the Grooms but hear thee, they'● maul and belam me and thee thrice and threefold; so that thou'lt have but little stomach to a leaping bout. Cod so, man, we dare not so much as grow stiff at the tip of the lowermost snout, though 'twere but to leak or so, for fear of being Jirked and Paid out of our Lechery. As for any thing else we are as happy as our Master, and perhaps more. By this Packsaddle, my old Acquaintance, quoth the Ass, I have done with you, a fart for thy Litter and Hay, and a fart for thy Oats: Give me the Thistles of our Fields, since there we leap when we list: Eat less, and leap the more, I say; 'tis Meat, Drink and Cloth to us. Ah! Friend Grandpaw, it would do thy heart good to see us at a Fair when we hold our Provincial Chapter! Oh! how we leap it while our Mistresses are selling their Goslins and other Poultry! With this they parted: Dixi: I have done.  
Panurge then held his Peace; Pantagruel would have had him to have gone on to the end of the Chapter; but Aedituus said, A word to the wise is enough; I can pick out the meaning of that Fable, and know who is that Ass and who the Horse; but you are a bashful youth I perceive; Well, know that there's nothing for you here, scatter no words. Yet, returned Panurge, I saw but even now a pretty kind of a cooing Abbeykite as white as a Dove, and her I had rather ride than lead. May I never stir, if she is not a dainty bit, and very well worth a Sin or two. Heaven forgive me! I meant no more harm in it than you; may the harm I meant in it befall me presently.   

CHAP. IX. How with much ado we got a sight of the Popehawk.  
OUR Junketting and Banqueting held on at the same Rate the third day, as the two former. Pantagruel then earnestly desired to see the Popehawk, but Aedituus told him, it was not such an easy matter to get a sight of him. How, asked Pantagruel, has he Plato's Helmet on his Crown, Gyges' Ring on his Pounces, or a Chameleon on his Breast, to make him invisible when he pleases? No, Sir, returned Aedituus, but he is naturally of pretty difficult access; however I'll see and take care that you may see him if possible. With this he left us piddling; then within a quarter of an hour came back, and told us the Popehawk is now to be seen; so he led us, without the least noise, directly to the Cage wherein he sat drooping, with his Feathers staring about him, attended by a Brace of little Cardinhawks, and six lusty fusty Bishhawks.  
Panurge stared at him like a dead Pig, examining exactly his Figure, Size, and Motions. Then with a loud voice he said, a Curse light on the hatcher of the ill Bird, o'my word this is a filthy Whoophooper. Tush, speak softly, said Aedituus, By G— he has a pair of Ears, as formerly Michael de Metiscone remarked. What then, returned Panurge, so hath a Whoopcat. So, said Aedituus, if he but hear you speak such another blasphemous word, you had as good be damned: Do you see that Basin yonder in his Cage? Out of it shall sally Thunderbolts and Lightnings, Storms, Bulls, and the Devil and all, that will sink you down to Pegtrantums an hundred Fathom under ground. 'Twere better to drink and be merry, quoth Friar Ihon.  
Panurge was still feeding his Eyes with the sight of the Popehawk, and his Attendants, when somewhere under his Cage he perceived a Madgehowlet; with this he cried out, By the Devil's-maker's Master, there's Roguery in the Case; they put Tricks upon Travellers here more than any where else, and would make us believe that a T—d's a Sugar-loaf. What damned cozening, gulling, and Coney-catching have we here! Do you see this Madgehowlet? by Minerva we are all beshit. Odsoons, said Aedituus, speak softly, I tell you, 'tis no Madgehowlet, no she-thing, on my hon●● word, but a male and a noble Bird.  
May we not hear the Popehawk sing, asked Pantagruel? I dare not promise that, returned Aedituus, for he only sings and eats at his own time; so don't ay, quoth Panurge, Poor Pilgarlic is fain to make every body's time his own; if they have time, I find time: Come then, let us go drink if you will. Now this is something like a Tansy, said Aedituus; you begin to talk somewhat like, still speak in that fashion, and I'll secure you from being thought an Heretic. Come on, I am of your mind.  
As we went back to have t'other fuddling Bout, we spied an old green-headed Bishhawk, who sat moping with his Mate and three jolly Bitter Attendants, all snoring under an Arbour. Near the old Chuff stood a buxom Abbeskite, that sung like any Linnet; and we were so mightily tickled with her singing, that I vow and swear we could have wished all our Members but one turned into Ears, to have had more of the melody. Quoth Panurge, This pretty Cherubin of Cherubins is here breaking her Head with chanting to this huge, fat, ugly-face, who lies grunting all the while like a Hog as he is. I'll make him change his Note presently in the Devil's Name. With this he rang a Bell that hung over the Bishhawk's Head; but though he rang and rang again, the Devil a-bit Bishawk would hear; the louder the sound, the louder his snoring. There was no making him sing. By G— quoth Panurge, You old Buzzard, If you won't sing by fair means, you shall by foul. Having said this, he took up one of St. Stephens' Loaves, alias a Stone, and was going to hit him with it about the middle. But Aedituus cried to him, Hold, hold, honest Friend, strike, wound, poison, kill and murder all the Kings and Princes in the world, by Treachery, or how thou wilt, and as soon as thou wouldst, unnestle the Angels from their Cockloft, Popehawk will pardon thee all this. But never be so mad as to meddle with these sacred Birds, as much as thou lov'st the profit, welfare and life not only of thyself, and thy Friends and Relations alive or dead, but also of those that may be born hereafter to the thousandth Generation; for so long thou wouldst entail misery upon them. Do but look upon that Basin. Cat-so! let us rather drink then, quoth Panurge. He that spoke last, spoke well, Mr. Antitus, quoth Friar John; while we are looking on these devilish Birds, we do nothing but blaspheme; and while we are taking a Cup, we do nothing but praise God. Come on then, let's go drink; How well that w●● sounds!  
The third day (after we had drank, as you must understand) Aedituus dismissed us. We made him a Present of a pretty little Perguois Knife, which he took more kindly than Artaxerxes did the Cup of cold Water that was given him by a Clown. He most courteously thanked us, and sent all sorts of Provisions aboard our Ships, wished us a prosperous Voyage and Success in our undertake, and made us promise and swear by Jupiter of Stone to come back by his Territories. Finally, he said to us, Friends, pray note that there are many more Stones in the world than men; take care you don't forget it.   

CHAP. X. How we arrived at the Island of Tools.  
HAving well ballasted the holds of our Human Vessels, we weighed Anchor, hoist up Sail, stowed the Boats, set the Land, and stood for the Offing with a fair loom Gale, and for more hast unparrelled the Mizzen yard, and launched it and the Sail over her Lee-quarter, and fitted Gives to keep it steady, and boomed it out; so in three days we made the Island of Tools, that is altogether uninhabited. We saw there a great number of Trees which bore Mattocks, Pickaxes, Crows, weeding Hooks, Sythes, Sickles, Spades, Trowels, Hatchets, hedging Bills, Saws, Adds, Bills, Axes, Shears, Pincers, Bolts, Piercers, Augres and Wimbles.  
Others bore Dags, Daggers, Poniards, Bayonets, Square-bladed Tucks, Stilettoes, Poinadoes, Skins, Penknives, Puncheons, Bodkins, Swords, Rapiers, Back-swords, Cutlasses, Semiters, Hangers, Falchion's, Glaives, Raillons, Whittles and Whinyards.  
Whoever would have any of these, needed but to shake the Tree, and immediately they dropped down as thick as Hops, like so many ripe Plumbs; nay, what's more, they fell on a kind of Grass called Scabbard, and sheathed themselves in it cleverly. But when they came down there was need of taking care lest they happened to touch the Head, Feet, or other Parts of the Body. For they fell with the point downwards, and in they stuck, or slit the continuum of some Member, or lopped it off like a Twig; either of which generally was enough to have killed a man though he were a hundred year old, and worth as many thousand Spankers, Spur-royals and Rose-nobles.  
Under some other Trees, whose names I can't justly tell you, I saw some certain sorts of Weeds that grew and sprouted like Pikes, Lances, Javelins, Javelots', Darts, Dartlets, Halbarts, Boarspears, Eelspears, Partisans, Tridentes, Prongs, Troutstaves, Spears, Half-pikes and Hunting Staffs. As they sprouted up and chanced to touch the Tree, straight they met with their Heads, Points and Blades, each suitable to its Kind, made ready for them by the Trees over them; as soon as every individual Wood was grown up, fit for its Steel; even like the children's Coats that are made for them as soon as they can wear them, and you Wean them of their Swaddling Clothes; nor do you mutter, I pray you, at what Plato, Anaxogoras and Democritus have said; Od's fish! they were none of your Lower-Form Gimcracks; were they?  
Those Trees seemed to us Terrestrial Animals, in no wise so different from Brute Beasts as not to have Skin, Fat, Flesh, Veins, Arteries, Ligaments, Nerves, Cartilages, Kernels, Bones, Marrow, Humours, Matrices, Brains and Articulations; for they certainly have some, since Theophrastus will have it so; but in this point they differed from other Animals, that their Heads, that is, the part of their Trunks next to the Root are downwards; their Hair, that is, their Roots, in the Earth; and their Feet, that is their Branches, upside down; as if a man should stand on his Head with out stretched Legs. And as you, battered Sinners, on whom Venus has bestowed something to remember her, feel the approach of Rains, Winds, Cold, and every Change of Wether, at your Ischiatic Legs, and your Omoplates, by means of the perpetual Almanac which she has fixed there; So these Trees have notice given them by certain sensations which they have at their Roots, Stocks, Gums, Paps or Marrow, of the growth of the Staffs under them; and accordingly they prepare suitable Points and Blades for them beforehand. Yet as all things, except God, are sometimes subject to Error, Nature its self not free from it, when it produceth Monstrous things; likewise I observed something amiss in these Trees. For a Half-pike that grew up high enough to reach the Branches of one of these Instrumentiferous Trees, happened no sooner to touch them, but instead of being joined to an Iron-head, it impaled a stubbed Broom at the Fondament. Well, no matter, 'twill serve to sweep the Chimney. Thus a Pertusan met with a Pair of Garden-shears; Come, all's good for something, 'twill serve to nip off little Twigs, and destroy Caterpillars. The Staff of a Halberd got the Blade of a Sith, which made it look like an Hermaphrodite; happy be lucky, 'tis all a case, 'twill serve for some Mower. Oh 'tis a great blessing to put our trust in the Lord! As we went back to our Ships, I spied behind I don't know what Bush, I don't know what Folks, doing I don't know what business, in I don't know what posture, scouring I don't know what Tools, in I don't know what manner, and I don't know what place.   

CHAP. XI. How Pantagruel arrived at the Island of Sharping.  
WE left the Island of Tools to pursue our Voyage, and the next day stood in for the Island of Sharping, the true Image of Fontainbleau; for the Land is so very lean there, that the Bones, that is the Rocks, shoot through its Skin. Besides, 'tis sandy, barren, and unpleasant. Our Pilot showed us there two little square Rocks, which had eight equal Points in the shape of a Cube; they were so white that I might have mistaken them for Alabaster or Snow, had he not assured us they were made of Bone.  
He told us that twenty chance Devils, very much feared in our Country, dwelled there in six different Stories, and that the biggest Twins or Braces of them were called Six, and the smallest Amb'sace; the rest Cinques, Quatres, Treys and Dewses. When they were conjured up, otherwise coupled, they were called either, Since cincq, Sice quater, Sice trey, Since dewse, and Sice ace; or Cincq quater, Cincq trey, and so forth. I made there a shrewd Observation; would you know what 'tis, Gamesters? 'Tis that there are very few of you in the world but what call upon and invoke the Devils. For the Dice are no sooner thrown on the board, and the greedy gazing Sparks have hardly said, two six, Frank, but six Devils damn it, cry as many of them; If amb's Ace, then, A Brace of Devils broil me, will they say. Quater Deuse, Tom; The Dewse take it, cries another, and so on to the end of the Chapter. Nay, they don't forget sometimes to call the Black Clovenfooted Gentlemen by their Cristen-names and Surnames; and what's stranger yet, they use them as their greatest Cronies, and make them so often the Executors of their Wills, not only giving themselves, but every body and every thing to the Devil, that there's no doubt but he takes care to seize, soon or late, what's so zealously bequeathed him. Indeed 'tis true, Lucifer does not always immediately appear by his lawful Attorneys; but alas! 'tis not for want of good will; he is really to be excused for his delay, for what the Devil would you have a Devil do? he and his black Guards are then at some other places, according to the priority of the persons that call on them: Therefore pray let none be so venturesom as to think, that the Devils are deaf and blind.  
He then told us, that more Wrecks had happened about those Square-rocks, and a greater loss of Body and Goods, than about all the Syrteses, Sylla's and Charibdes, Sirens, Scrophades and Gulfs in the Universe. I had not much ado to believe it, remembering, that formerly amongst the wise egyptians, Neptune was described in Hieroglyphics by the first Cube, Apollo by an Ace, Diana by a Deuce, Minerva by seven, and so forth.  
He also told us that there was a Phial of Sang real, a most divine thing, and known but to a few. Panurge did so sweeten up the Syndics of the place, that they blest us with the sight of't: But it was with three times more pother and ado, with more Formalities and antic Tricks, than they show the Pandects of Justinian at Florence, or the Holy Veronica at Rome. I never saw such a sight of Flambeaux, Torches and Hagio's, sanctified Tapers, Rush-Lights, and Farthing Candles, in my whole life. After all, that which was shown us, was only the ill-faced countenance of a roasted Coney.  
All that we saw there worth speaking of, was a good face set upon an ill game, and the shells of the two Eggs formerly laid up and hatched by Leda, out of which came Castor and Pollux, fair Helen's brothers. These same Syndics sold us a piece of 'em for a Song, I mean, for a morsel of bread. Before we went, we bought a parcel of Hats and Caps of the Manufacture of the place, which, I fear, will turn to no very good account: Nor are those who shall take 'em off our hands, more likely to commend their wearing.   

CHAP. XII. How we passed through the Wicket, inhabited by Gripe-men-all, Archduke of the Furred Law-cats.  
FRom thence Condemnation was passed by us: 'Tis another damned barren Island, whereat none for the world cared to touch. Then we went through the Wicket, but Pantagruel had no mind to bear us company, and 'twas well he did not, for we were nabbed there, and clapped into Lob's-Poun● by Order of Gripe-men-all, Archduke o● the Furred Law-cats, because one of our Company would ha' put upon a Sergeant some Hats of the sharping Island.  
The Furred Law-cats are most terrible and dreadful Monsters, they devour little Children, and trample over Marble-Stones. Pray tell me, Noble Topers, do they not deserve to have their Snouts slit? The hair of their Hides does ned lie outward, but inwards; and every Mother's son of 'em for his Devise wears a gaping Pouch, but not all in the same manner; for some wear it tied to their Neck Scarf-wise, others upon the Breech, some on the Paunch, others on the Side, and all for a Cause, with Reason and Mystery: They have Claws so very strong, long, and sharp, that nothing can get from 'em, that is once fast between their Clutches. Sometimes they cover their heads with Mortar-like Caps, at other times with mortified Caparisons.  
As we entered their Den, said a common Mumper to whom we had given half a Teston, Worshipful Culprits, God send you a good deliverance. Examine well, said he, the Countenance of these stout Props and Pillars of this Catch coin Law and Iniquity; and pray observe, that if you still live but Six Olympiads, and the Age of two Dogs more, you'll see these Furred Law-cats Lords of all Europe, and in peaceful Possession of all the Estates and Dominions belonging to it; unless by Divine Providence what's got over the Devil's Back is spent under his Belly; or the Goods which they unjustly get, perish with their Prodigal Heirs: Take this from an Honest Poor Beggar.  
Among 'em reigns the Sixth Essence; by the means of which they gripe all, devour all, conskite all, burn all, draw all, hang all, quarter all, behead all, murder all, imprison all, waste all, and ruin all, without the least notice of Right or Wrong: For among them Vice is called Virtue, Wickedness Piety, Treason Loyalty, Robbery Justice: Plunder is their Motto, and when acted by them is approved by all men, except the Heretics; and all this they do, because they dare; their Authority is Sovereign and Irrefragable.  
For a sign of the Truth of what I tell you, you'll find, That there the Mangers are above the Racks. Remember hereafter, that a Fool told you this; and if ever Plague, Famine, War, Fire, Earthquakes, Inundations, or other Judgements befall the World, do not attribute 'em to the Aspects and Conjunctions of the Malevolent Planets, to the Abuses of the Court of Romania, or the Tyranny of Secular Kings and Princes, to the Impostures of the false Zealots of the Cowl, Heretical Bigo● False Prophets and Broachers of Sects, 〈◊〉 the Villainy of griping Usurers, Clipper● and Coiners; or to the Ignorance, Imp●●dence, and Imprudence of Physicians▪ Surgeons, and Apothecaries, nor to th● Lewdness of Adulteresses and Destroye● of By-blows; but charge 'em all who●● and solely to the inexpressible, incredible and inestimable Wickedness and Ruin▪ which is continually hatched, brewed, an● practised in the Den of those Furred L●●●cats. Yet 'tis no more known in the wo●● than the Cabala of the Jews, the more● the Pity; and therefore 'tis not detested chastised, and punished, as 'tis fit it should be. But should all their Villainy be one displayed in its true Colours, and exposed to the people, there never was, is, no● will be any Spokesman so sweet-mouthed whose fine colloguing Tongue could saw 'em; nor any Laws so rigorous and Draconic, that could punish 'em as they deserve; nor yet any Magistrate so powerful as to hinder their being burned alive in their Cony-boroughs without Mercy. Even their own Furred Kittling, Friends and Relations would abominate 'em.  
For this reason, as Hannibal was solemnly sworn by his Father Amilcar to pursue the Romans with the utmost hatred, as long as ever he lived; so, my late Father has enjoined me to remain here without, till God Almighty's Thunder reduce them there within to Ashes, like other presumptuous Titans, Profane Wretches, and Opposers of God; since Mankind is so inur'd to their Oppressions, that they either do not remember, foresee, or have a sense of the Woes and Miseries which they have caused; or if they have, either will, dare, or cannot root 'em out.  
How, said Panurge, say you so! Catch me there and hang me! Dam, Let's march off! This Noble Beggar has scared me worse than the Thunder would do them. Upon this we were filing off; but alas! we found ourselves trapped: The door was double locked and barricadoed. Some Messengers of ill news told us, 'twas full as easy to get in there as to get into Hell, and as hard for some to get out. Ay, There indeed lay the Difficulty: For there is no getting loose without a Pass and Discharge in due course from the Bench. This for no other reason than because Folks go easier out of a Church than out of a Spunging-house, and they could not have our Company when they would. The worst on't was when we got through the Wicket, for we were carried to get out our Pass or Discharge, before a more dreadful Monster than ever was read of in the Legends of Knight-Errantry: They called him Gripe-men-all: I can't tell what to compare it t● better than to a Chimaera, a Sphynx, a C●●berus; or to the Image of Osiris, as th● Egyptians represented him, with Thre● Heads, one of a Roaring Lion, t'other 〈◊〉 a Fawning Cur, and the last of a Howling Prowling Wolf, twisted about with ● Dragon, biting his Tail, surrounded wit● Fiery Rays. His Hands were full of Gore his Talons like those of the Harpies, hi● Snout like a Hawk's Bill, his Fangs o● Tusks like those of an overgrown brindle● Wild-Boare; his Eyes were flaming, like the Jaws of Hell, all covered with Mortars interlaced with Pestles, and nothing of his Arms was to be seen, but his Clutches His Hutch, and That of the Warren cats his Collaterals, was a long, spick-and-span new Rack, a top of which (as the Mumper told us) some large, stately Mangers were fixed in the Reverse. Over the Chief Seat was the Picture of an Old-woman holding the Case or Scabbard of a Sickle in her Right hand, a Pair of Scales in her Left, with Spectacles on her Nose: The Cups of the Balance were a Pair of Velvet. Pouches; the one full of Bullion, which overpoised t'other, empty and long, hoist higher than the middle of the Beam: I'm of opinion that it was the true Effigies of Justice Gripe-men-all; far different from the Institution of the Ancient Thebans, who set up the Statues of their Dicastes without Hands, in Marble, Silver, or Gold, according to their Merit, even after their Death.  
When we made our Personal Appearance before him, a sort of I don't-know-what-men, all clothed with I don't-know-what Bags and Pouches, with long Scrowls in their Clutches, made us sit down upon a Cricket: [Such as Criminals sit on when they are Tried in France.] Quoth Panurge to 'em, Good my Lords, I'm very well as I am, I'd as lief stand, an't please you. Besides, this same Stool is somewhat of the lowest for a man that has new Breeches and a short Doublet. Sat you down, said Gripe-men-all again, and look that you don't make the Court bid you twice. Now, continued he, The Earth shall immediately open its Jaws, and swallow you up to quick Damnation, if you don't answer as you should.   

CHAP. XIII. How Gripe-men-all propounded a Riddle to us.  
WHEN we were sat, Gripe-men-all, in the middle of his furred cats, called to us in a hoarse, dreadful Voice; Well, come on, give, give me presently— an answer. Well, come on, muttered Panurge between his Teeth, give, give 〈◊〉 presently— a comforting Dram. Harke● to the Court continued Gripe-men-all.  

AN ENIGMA.  
A Young tied Thing, as Fair as may be,  
Without a Dad conceived a Baby;  
And brought him forth, without the Pother  
In Labour made by teeming Mother.  
Yet the cursed Brat feared not to Gripe her,  
But gnawed for haste, her sides like Viper.  
Then the black Upstart boldly sallies,  
And walks and flies o'er Hills and Valleys.  
Many fantastic Sons of Wisdom,  
Amazed, foresaw their own in his Doom,  
And thought, like an old Grecian Noddy,  
A Human Spirit moved his Body.   

ENIGME.  
Vne bien jeune et toute blondelette  
Conceut un fils Ethiopien sans pere;  
Puis l' enfanta sans douleur la tendrette,  
Quoy quill sortit comme fait la vipere,  
L'ayant rongé, en moult grand vitupere,  
Tout l' un des Flanes, pour son impatience,  
Depuis, passa monts & vans en fiance,  
Par l' Air volant, en terre cheminante;  
Tant qu'estonna l'amy de sapience,  
Qui l'estimoit estre humain animante.   
Give, give me out of hand— an Answer to this Riddle, quoth Gripe-men-all. Give, give me— leave to tell you, good good my Lord, answered Panurge, That if I had but a Sphynx at home, as Verres one of your Precursors had, I might then solve your Enigma presently; but they verily, good my Lord, I was not there; and as I hope to be saved, am as innocent in the matter as the Child unborn: Foh, give me— a better Answer, cried Gripe-men-all, or, by Gold, this shall not serve your turn; I'll not be paid in such Coin: If you have nothing better to offer, I'll let your Rascalship know, that it had been better for you to have fallen into Lucifer's own Clutches, than into ours. Dost thou see 'em here, Sirrah? hah? and dost thou prate here of thy being Innocent, as if thou couldst be delivered from our Racks and Tortures for being so! Give me— Patience! Thou Widgeon, our Laws are like Cobwebs; your silly little Flies are stopped, caught, and destroyed there, but your stronger Birds break them, and force and carry them which way they please. Likewise don't think we are so mad as to set up our Nets to snap up your great Robbers and Tyrants: No, they are somewhat too hard for us, there's no meddling with them; for they would make no more of us, than we make of the little ones: But you paltry, silly, Innocent Wretches, must make us amends; and, by Gold, we will Innocentise your Fopship with a Wannion, you never were so innocentised in your days.  
Friar John hearing him run on at that mad rate, had no longer the power to remain silent, but cried to him, High day! Prithee, Mr. Devil in a Coif, wouldst th●● have a man tell thee more than he knows? hasned the Fellow told you he does not know a word of the business? his Name's Twyford. A Plague rot you, won't Truth serve your turns? Why, how-now, Mr Prate-a-pa●● (cried Gripe-men-all, taking him short) Mary come up, who made you so saucy as to open your lips before you were spoken to? Give me— Patience! By Gold! this is the first time since I reign, that any one has had the impudence to speak before he was bidden. How came this Mad Fellow to break loose? (Villain, thou liest, said Friar John, without stirring his lips.) Sirrah, sirrah, continued Gripe-men-all, I doubt thou'l● have business enough on thy hands, when it comes to thy turn to answer (Dam thou liest, said Friar John, silently.) Dost tho● think, continued my Lord, thou'rt in the Wilderness of your foolish University wrangling and bawling among the idle wand'ring Searchers and Hunters after Truth? By Gold, we have here other Fish to fry, we go another-gat's way to work ●hat we do: By Gold, People here must give Categorical Answers to what they don't know. By Gold, they must confess ●hey have done those things which they have not and ought not to have done. By Gold, they must protest that they know what they never knew in their lives: And ●fter all, Patience per Force must be their on●y Remedy, as well as a Mad Dog's. Here ●lly Geese are plucked, yet cackle not. Sirrah, Give me— an Account, Whether ●ou had a Letter of Attorney, or whether ●ou were feed, or no, that you offered to ●awl in another man's Cause? I see you ●ad no Authority to speak, and I may ●●ance to have you wed to something you ●on't like. Oh you Devils, cried Friar ●hon, Proto-Devils, Panto-Devils, you would ●●ed a Monk, would you? Ho ha, ho ha, 〈◊〉 Heretic, a Heretic, I'll give thee out ●r a rank Heretic.   

CHAP. XIV. How Panurge solved Gripe-men-all's Riddle.  
GRipe-men-all, as if he had not heard what Friar John said, directed his discourse to Panurge, saying to him, Well, ●hat have you to say for yourself, Mr. Rogue-enough, hah! Give, give me out of hand— an Answer. Say! quoth Panurge, w●● what would you have me say? I say th●● we are damnably beshit, since you give ●● heed at all to the Equity of the Plea, a●● the Devil sings among you; let this answer serve for all, I beseech you, and 〈◊〉 us go about our business; I am no longer able to hold out, as gad shall judge me.  
Go to, go to, cried Gripe-men-all, W●● did you ever hear that for these Th●●● hundred years last past any body ever 〈◊〉 out of this we'll without leaving something of his behind him. No, no, get 〈◊〉 of the Trap if you can, without loss Leather, Life, or at least some Hair, a●● you'll have done more than ever was d●●● yet. For why, this would bring the W●●dom of the Court into question, as if 〈◊〉 had took you up for nothing, and d●●● wrongfully by you. Well, by hook or 〈◊〉 crook we must have something out of 〈◊〉 Look ye, 'tis a folly to make a Rout 〈…〉 fart and a do; one word's as good twenty; I have no more to say to th●● but that as thou likest thy former entertainment, thou'lt tell me more of the n●●● for 'twill go ten times worse with t●●● unless, by Gold, you give me— a Solu●●●● to the Riddle I propounded. Give, 〈◊〉— it, without any more ado, I say.  
By Gold, quoth Panurge, 'tis a black Mite or Weevil, which is born of a white Bean, and sallies out at the hole which he makes, gnawing it: The Mite being turned ●nto a kind of a Fly, sometimes walks and sometimes flies over Hills and Dales. Now Pythagoras the Philosopher and his Sect, besides many others, wondering at its Birth in such a place, (which makes some ●rgue for equivocal Generation) thought ●hat by a Metempsychosis the Body of that insect was the Lodging of an Human Soul. Now were you Men here, after your welcomed Death, according to his Opinion, ●our Souls would most certainly enter into ●he Body of Mites or Weevils; for in your present state of life you are good for nothing in the world, but to gnaw, by't, eat, ●nd devour all things; so in the next you'll even gnaw and devour your Mother's very ●ides, as the Vipers do. Now, by Gold, 〈◊〉 think I have fairly solved and resolved your Riddle.  
May my Bauble be turned into a Nutcracker, quoth Friar John, if I could not almost find in my heart to wish that what comes out at my Bunghole were Beans, that ●hese evil Weevils might feed as they deserve.  
Panurge then, without any more ado, ●hrew a large Leathern Purse stuffed with Gold Crowns [Escus au Soleil] among them: The Furred Law-Cats no soone● heard the jingling of the Chink, but the● all began to bestir their Claws, like a par● of Fiddlers running a Division; and the● fell to't, squimble squamble, catch that cat● can. They all said aloud, These are th● Fees, these are the Gloves; now this 〈◊〉 somewhat like a Tanzie: Oh, 'twas a pretty Trial, a sweet Trial, a dainty Tria● O' my word they did not starve the Cause▪ these are none of your snivelling Forma P●●●peris's: No, they are Noble Clients, Gen●tlemen every Inch of them. By Gold 'tis Gold, quoth Panurge, good old Gold I'll assure you.  
Saith Gripe-men-all, The Court upon ● full Hearing, (of the Gold, quoth Panurge) and weighty Reasons given, finds the Priso●ners Not Guilty; and accordingly order 'em to be discharged out of Custody, paying their Fees. Now, Gentlemen, proceed go for wards, said he to us; we have no● so much of the Devil in us, as we have 〈◊〉 his Hue; though we are Stout, we are Merciful.  
As we came out at the Wicket, we we●● conducted to the Port by a Detachment of certain Highland-Griffins, scribere ●●●●dashoes, who advised us, before we came to our Ships, not to offer to leave the place, till we had made the usual Presents, first to the Lady Gripe-men-all, then to all the Furred Law-Pusses; otherwise we must return to the place from whence we came. Well, well, saith Friar John, we'll fumble in our Fobs, examine every one of us his Concern, and even give the Women their due; we'll ne'er boggle or stick out on that account; as we tickled the Men in the Palm, we'll tickle the Women in the right place. Pray, Gentlemen, added they, don't forget to leave somewhat behind you for us poor Devils to drink your Healths. O Lawd! never fear, answered Friar John, I don't remember that I ever went any where yet where the poor Devils are not mentioned and encouraged.   

CHAP. XV. How the Furred Law-Cats live on Corruption.  
FRiar John had hardly said those words ere he perceived Seventy Eight Galleys and Frigates just arriving at the Port. So he hied him thither to learn some News; and as he asked what Goods they had o'board, he soon found that their whole Cargo was Venison, Hares, Capons, Turkeys, Pigs, Swine, Bacon, Kids, Calves, Hens, Ducks, Teals, Geese, and other Poultry and Wildfowl.  
He also spied among these some pieces of Velvet, Satin and Damask. This made him ask the Newcomers whither and to whom they were going to carry those dainty Goods? They answered that they were for Gripe-men-all, and the Furred Law-Cats.  
Pray, asked he, what's the true name of all these things, in your Country Language? Corruption, they replied. If they live on Corruption, said the Friar, they'll perish with their Generation; May the Devil be damned, I have it now: Their Fathers devoured the good Gentlemen, who, according to their state of life, used to go much a Hunting and Hawking to be the better inur'd to Toil in time of War; For Hunting is an Image of a Martial Life; and Xenophon was much in the right on't, when he affirmed that Hunting had yielded a great number of excellent Warriors, as well as the Trojan Horse. For my part I am no Scholar, I have it but by hear-say, yet I believe it. Now the Souls of those brave Fellows, according to Gripe-men-all's Riddle, after their decease, enter into Wild-boars, Stags, Roe-bucks, Herns, and such other Creatures, which they loved, and in quest of which they went while they were men; and these Furred Law-Cats having first destroyed and devoured their Castles, Lands, Demesnes, Possessions, Rents and Revenues, are still seeking to have their Blood and Soul in another Life. What an honest Fellow was that same Mumper who had forewarned us of all these things, and bid us take notice of the Mangers above the Racks!  
But, said Panurge to the New-comer, how do you come by all this Venison? methinks the Great King has issued out a Proclamation strictly inhibiting the destroying of Stags, Does, Wild-boars, Roe-bucks, or other Royal Game, on pain of Death. All this is true enough answered one for the rest: But the Great King is so good and gracious, you must know, and these Furred Law-Cats so cursed and cruel, so mad and thirsting after Christian Blood, that we have less cause to fear in trespassing against that Mighty Sovereign's Commands, than reason to hope to live, if we do not continually stop the mouths of these Furred Law-Cats with such Bribes and Corruption. Besides, added he, tomorrow Gripe-men-all marries a Furred Law-Puss of his to a high and mighty Doublefurred Law-Tibert.  
Formerly we used to call them Chop-hay; but alas, they are not such neat Creatures now as to eat any, or Chew the Cud. We call them Chop-Hares, Chop-Partridges, Chop-Woodcoks, Chop-Pheasants, Chop-pullets, Chop-Venison, Chop Coneys, Chop-Pigs; for they scorn to feed o● courser Meat. A T— d for their Chaps▪ cried Friar John, next year we'll have 'em called Chop-Dung, Chop-Stront, Chop-Filth.  
Would you take my Advice, added h● to the Company? What is it, answered we? Let's do two things, returned he First, Let's secure all this Venison and Wildfowl, (I mean paying well for them:) for my part I am but too much tired already with our Salt-meat, it heats my Flan● so horribly: In the next place let's go bad to the Wicket, and destroy all these devili●● Furred Law-Cats. For my part, quot● Panurge, I know better things, catch m● there, and hang me; No, I am somewhat more inclined to be fearful than bold, ● love to sleep in a whole skin.   

CHAP. XVI. How Friar John talks of rooting o● the Furred Law-Cats.  
Virtue of the Frock, quoth Friar Iho● what kind of a Voyage are we m●● king? A shitten one o'my word; the Devi● of any thing we do but sizzling, farting sunking, squatrering, dozing, raving, an● doing nothing. God's Belly, 'tis ned in m● Nature to lie idle, I mortally hate it; unless I am doing some Heroic Deed every foot, I can't sleep one wink o' nights. Damn it, did you then take me along with you for your Chaplain, to sing Mass and shrive you? By Maunday-Thursday, the first of ye all that comes to me on such an Account shall be fitted; for, the only Penance I'll enjoin shall be, that he immediately throw himself headlong overboard into the Sea like a wicked Cow-hearted Son of ten Fathers; this in deduction of the Pains of Purgatory.  
What made Hercules such a famous Fellow, d'ye think? nothing, but that while he travelled he still made it his business to rid the World of Tyrannies, Errors, Dangers and Drudgeries, he still put to death all Robbers, all Monsters, all venomous Serpents and hurtful Creatures. Why then do we not follow his Example, doing as he did in the Countries through which we pass? He destroyed the Stymphalideses, the Lernaean Hydra, Cacus, Antheus, the Centauris, and what not; I am no Clericus, those that are such, tell me so.  
In imitation of that noble By-blow, let's destroy and root out these wicked Furred Law-Cats, that are a kind of Ravenous Devils; thus we shall remove all manner of Tyranny out of the Land. Mawmet's Tutor swallow me Body and Soul, Tripes and Guts, if I would stay to ask your help or advice in the matter, were I but as strong as he was. Come, he that would be thought a Gentleman, let him storm a Town: Well then, shall we go? I dare swear we'll do their business for them with a wet Finger; they'll bear it, never fear; since they could swallow down more foul Language that came from us, than ten Sows and their Babies could swill Hogwash. Damn 'em, they don't value all the ill words or dishonour in the world at a Rush, so they but get the Coin into their Purses, though they were to have it in a shitten Clout. Come, we may chance to kill 'em all, as Hercules would have done▪ had they lived in his time. We only want to be set to work by another Euristeus, and nothing else for the present; unless it be what I heartily wish them, That Jupiter may give 'em a short visit only some two or three hours long, and walk among their Lordships in the same Equipage that attended him when he came last to his Miss Semele, jolly Bacchus' Mother.  
'Tis a very great mercy, quoth Panurge▪ that you have got out of their Clutches; for my part, I have no stomach to go there again; I'm hardly come to myself yet, so scared and appalled I was; my hair still stands up an end when I think on't; and most damnably troubled I was there, for three very weighty Reasons. First, Because I was troubled. Secondly, Because I was troubled. Thirdly and lastly, Because I was troubled. hearken to me a little on thy right side, Friar John, my left Cod, since thou'lt not hear at the other: whenever the Maggot bites thee, to take a Journey down to Hell, and visit the Tribunal of Minos, Aeacus, and Rhadamantus, do but tell me, and I'll be sure to bear thee company, and never leave thee, as long as my name's Panurge, but will wade over Acheron, Styx and Cocytus, drink whole Bumpers of Lethe's Water, (though I mortally hate that Element) and even pay thy Passage to that bawling cross-grained Ferryman Charon. But as for that damned Wicket, if thou art so weary of thy life as to go thither again, thou mayst even look for some body else to bear thee company; for I'll not move one step that way, even rest satisfied with this positive Answer. By my goodwill, I'll not stir a foot to go thither as long as I live, any more than Calpe will come over to Abyla. [Calpe is a Mountain in Spain, that faces another, called Abyla in Mauritiania, both said to have been severed by Hercules.] Was Ulysses so mad as to go back into the Cyclops' Cave to fetch his Sword? No marry was he not. Now, I have left nothing behind me at the Wicket through forgetfulness, why then should I think of going thither?  
Well, quoth Friar John, as good sit still as rise up and fall; what can't be cured, must be endured. But, prithee, let's hear one another speak. Come, wert thou not a wise Doctor, to fling away a whole Purse of Gold on those mangy Scoundrels? Ha? A Squinzy choke thee, we were too rich, were we? Had it not been enough to have thrown the Hellhounds a few cropped Pieces of white Cash?  
How could I help it, returned Panurge? Did you not see how Gripe-men-all held his gaping Velvet-Pouch, and every moment roared and bellowed, By Gold, give, give me out of hand; By Gold, give, give, give me presently. Now, thought I to myself, we shall never come off scotfree; I'll even stop their mouths with Gold, that the Wicket may be opened, and we may get out; the sooner the better. And I judged that lousy Silver would not do the business; for, d'ye see, Velvet-Pouches don't use to gape for little paltry clipped Silver, and small Cash: No, they are made for Gold, my Friend John, that they are my dainty Cod. Ah! when thou hast been larded, basted, and roasted, as I was, thou'lt hardly talk at this rate, I doubt. But now what's to be done— we are enjoined by them to go for- Wards.  
The Scabby Slabberdegullions still waited for us at the Port, expecting to be greased in the Fist as well as their Masters. Now when they perceived that we were ready to put to Sea, they came to Friar John, and begged that we might not forget to gratify the Apparitors before we went off, according to the Assessment for the Fees at our Discharge. Hell and Damnation, cried Friar John, Are you here still, ye Bloodhounds, ye citing, scribbling Imps of Satan? Rot you, Am I not vexed enough already, but you must have the impudence to come and plague me, ye scurvy Flycatchers you? By Cob's-Body I'll gratify your Ruffianships as you deserve, I'll Apparitorize you presently, with a Wannion, that I will. With this he lugged out his slashing Cutlas, and, in a mighty heat, came out of the Ship, to cut the cozening Varlets into Stakes, but they scampered away, and got out of sight in a Trice.  
However, there was somewhat more to do; for some of our Sailors, having got leave of Pantagruel to go o' shore, while we were had before Gripe-men-all, had been at a Tavern near the Haven to make much of themselves, and roar it, as Seamen will do when they come into some Port. Now I don't know whether they had paid their Reckoning to the full or no; but, however it was, an old fat Hostess meeting Friar John on the Key, was making a woeful Complaint, before a Sergeant, Son-in-law to one of the Furred Law-Cats, and a Brace of Bums his Assistants.  
The Friar, who did not much care to be tired with their impertinent Prating, said to them, Harkee me, ye lubbardly Gnatsnappers, Do you presume to say, that our Seamen are not honest Men? I'll maintain they are, ye Dotterels, and will prove it to your brazen Faces, by Justice; I mean this trusty piece of cold Iron by my side; with this, he lugged it out, and flourished with it. The forlorn Lobcocks soon showed him their backs, betaking themselves to their heels: But the old fusty Landlady kept her ground, swearing, like any Butter-whore, that the tarpaulins were very honest Cod; but that they had only forgot to pay for the Bed on which they had lain after Dinner, and she asked Five-pences French money for the said Bed. May I never sup, said the Friar, if it be not Dog-cheap; they are sorry Guests, and unkind Customers, that they are; they don't know when they have a Pennyworth, and will not always meet with such Bargains; Come, I myself will pay you the money, but I would willingly see it first.  
The Hostess immediately took him home with her, and showed him the Bed, and having praised it for all its good qualifications, said that she thought, as Times went, she was not out of the way, in ask Five-pences for't. Friar John then gave her the Five-pences, and she no sooner turned her back, but he presently began to rip up the Ticking of the Featherbed and Bolster, and throwed all the Feathers out at the window. In the mean time the old Hag came down, and roared out for help, crying out Murder, to set all the Neighbourhood in an uproar. Yet she also fell to gathering the Feathers that flew up and down in the Air, being scattered by the wind. Friar John let her bawl on, and, without any further ado, marched off with the Blanket, Quilt, and both the Sheets, which he brought aboard undiseovered; for the Air was darkened with the Feathers, as it uses sometimes to be with Snow. He gave them away to the Sailors, then said to Pantagruel, that Beds were much cheaper at that place than in Chinnonois, though we have there the famous Geese of Pantile; for the old Beldame had asked him but Five-pences for a Bed, which in Chinnonois had been worth above Twelve 
* There were several sorts of Francs then, some worth about Eighteen pence, others four or five shillings.  Francs.   

CHAP. XVII. How we went For- wards, and how Panurge had like to have been killed.  
WE put to Sea that very moment, steering our Course For- wards, and gave Pantagruel a full account of our Adventures, which so deeply struck him with compassion, that he wrote some Elegies on that Subject, to divert himself during the Voyage. When we were safe in the Port, we took some Refreshment, and took in fresh water and wood. The People of the place, who had the countenance of jolly Fellows, and boon Companions, were all of them For- ward Folks, bloated and puffed up with Fat; and we saw some who slashed and pinked their Skin, to open a passage to the Fat, that it might swell out at the slits and gashes which they made: neither more nor less than the shitbreech Fellows in our Countrey-bepink and cut open their Breeches, that the Tafety on the inside may stand out and be puffed up. They said that what they did was not out of Pride or Ostentation, but because otherwise their Skins would not hold them without much pain. Having thus slashed their Skin, they used to grow much bigger, like the young Trees, on whose Barks the Gardeners make Incisions, that they may grow the better.  
Near the Haven, there was a Tavern which forwards seemed very fine and stately; we repaired thither, and found it filled with People of the Forward Nation, of all Ages, Sexes, and Conditions; so that we thought some notable Feast or other was getting ready: But we were told that all that Throng were Invited to the Bursting of mine Host, which caused all his Friends and Relations to hasten thither.  
We did not understand that Jargon, and therefore thought that in that Country, by that Bursting they meant some Merry meeting or other, as we do in ours, by Betrothing, Wedding, Groaning, Christening, Churching [of Women] Shearing [of Sheep] reaping [of Corn, or Harvest home] and many other Junketting Bouts that end in ing. But we soon heard that there was no such matter in hand.  
The Master of the House, you must know, had been a Goodfellow in his time, loved heartily to wind up his Bottom, to bang the Pitcher, and lick his Dish; he used to be a very fair swallower of gravy Soupe, a notable accountant in matter of Hours; and his whole life was one continual Dinner, like mine Host at Rovillac. But now having Farted out much Fat for Ten years together, and watered the Marigolds with much Wine of his own Burning, according to the custom of the Country, he was drawing towards his Bursting hour; for neither the inner thin kell wherewith the entrails are covered, nor his skin that had been jagged and mangled so many years, were able to hold and enclose his Guts any longer, or hinder them from forcing their way out; like a Wine-Vessel whose sides fly out. Pray, quoth Panurge, is there no remedy, no help, for the poor Man, good People? Why don't you swaddle him round with good tied Girts, or secure his natural Tub with a strong Sorbopple-tree-hoop? nay, Why don't you Iron-bind him if needs be? This would keep the Man from Flying out and Bursting. The word wa● not yet out of his mouth, when we hear● something give a loud Report, as if a huge sturdy Oak had been split in two; then some of the Neighbours told us, that the Bursting was over, and that the Clap, or Crack, which we heard, was the last Fart: And so there was an End of mine Host.  
This made me call to mind a saying of the venerable Abbot of Castillers, the very same who never cared to hump his Maids but when he was in Pontificalibus. That Pious Person, being much dunned, teized, and importuned by his Relations to resign his Abbey in his old Age, said and professed, That he would not Strip till he were ready to go to bed; and that the last Fart which his Reverend Paternity was to utter, should be the Fart of an Abbot.   

CHAP. XVIII. How our Ships were Stranded, and we were relieved by some People that were Subject to Queen Whims [qui tenoient de la Quinte.]  
WE weighed and set Sail with a merry Westerly Gale, when about Seven Leagues off [Twenty two Miles] some gusts, or scuds of Wind suddenly arose, and the Wind ve●ring and shifting from Point to Point, was, as they say, like an old Woman's Breech at no certainty; so we first got our Starboard Tacks Aboard, and Haled off our Lee Sheets. Then the Gusts increased, and by fits blowed all at once from several Quarters; yet we neither settled nor braded up close our Sails, but only let fly the Sheets, not to go against the Master of the Ship's Direction; and thus having let go amain, lest we should spend our Topsails, or the Ship's Quick-side should lie in the Water and she be overset, we lay by and run adrift, that is, in a Landlopers' phrase, we temporised it. For he assured us, that, as these gusts and whirlwinds would not do us much good, so they could not do us much harm, considering their easiness and pleasant strife, as also the clearness of the Sky, and calmness of the Current. So that we were to observe the Philosopher's Rule, Bear, and Forbear: that is, Trim, or go according to the Time.  
However these Whirlwinds and Gusts lasted so long, that we persuaded the Master to let us go and lie at Try with our main Course; that is, to hale the Tack Aboard, the Sheet close aft, the Boling set up, and the Helm tied close Aboard; so after a Stormy Gale of wind we broke through the whirlwind. But 'twas like falling into Scylla to a●oid Carybdis, [out of the Frying-pan into the Fire.] For we had not Sailed a League, ere our Ships were Stranded upon some Sands, such as are the Flats of St. Maixant.  
All our Company seemed mightily disturbed, except Friar John, who was not a jot daunted, and with sweet-Sugar-plumb-words comforted now one, and then another, giving them hopes of speedy assistance from above, and telling them that he had seen Castor at the Main-yard-arm, Oh! that I were but now ashore, cried Panurge, that's all I wish, for myself (at present) and that you who like the Sea so well, had each man of you Two hundred thousand Crowns; I would fairly let you set up Shop on these Sands, and would get a fat Calf dressed, and a hundred of Faggots, [i. e. Bottles of Wine] cooled for you against you come ashore. I freely consent never to mount a Wife, so you but set me ashore, and mount me on a Horse that I may go home; no matter for a Servant, I'll be contented to serve myself; I am never better treated than when I'm without a Man. Faith old Plautus was in the right on't when he said, the more Servants the more Crosses; for such they are, even supposing they could want what they all have but too much of, a Tongue, that most busy, dangerous, and pernicious Member of Servants; accordingly 'twas for their sakes alone, that the Racks, and Tortures for Confession were Invented; though some Foreign Civilians in our time have uncivilly drawn alogical and unreasonable Consequences from it.  
That very moment we spied a Sail that made toward us; when it was close by us, we soon knew what was the Lading of the Ship, and who was aboard of her. She was full Freighted with Drums: I was acquainted with many of the Passengers that came in her, who were most of 'em of good Families; among the re●● Harry Cottiral, an old Tost, who had got a swinging Ass' Touchtripe fastened to his waste, as the Good woman's Bead● are to their girdle. In his left hand he held an old overgrown greasy foul Cap, such as your Scald-pated Fellows wear, and in the right a huge Cabbage-stump.  
As soon as he saw me he was overjoyed, and bawled out to me, What Cheer ho? How dost like me now? Behold the true Algamana (this he said showing me the Ass' Ticklegizard.) This Doctor's Cap is my true Elixir; and this (continued he, shaking the Cabbage-stump in his Fist) is Lunaria Mayor, you old Noddy, I have 'em, old Boy, I have 'em; we'll make 'em when thou'rt come back. But pray, Father, said I, whence come you? Whither are you bound? What's your Lading? Have you smelled the salt deep? To these Four Questions he answered, From Queen Whims; for Touraine; Alchemy▪ to the very Bottom.  
Whom have you got o' bored, said I? Said he, Astrologers, Fortune-tellers, Alchemists, Rhimers, Poets, Painters, Projectors, Mathematicians, Watchmakers, Sing-songs, Musicianers, and the Devil and all of others that are Subject to Queen 
* La Quinte, This means a fantastic Humour, Maggots, or a foolish Giddiness of Brains; and also, a fifth, or the Proportion of Five in Music, etc.  Whims. They have very fair legible Patents to show for't, as any body may see. Panurge had no sooner heard this, but he was upon the High-Rope, and began to rail at them like mad. What o' Devil d'ye mean, cried he? to set idly here like a pack of loitering Sneaksbies', and see us stranded, while you may help us and tow us off into the Current! A plague o' your Whims, you can make all things whatsoever they say, so much as good Wether and little Children, yet won't make haste to fasten some Hawsers and Cables, and get us off. I was just coming to set you a'float, quoth Harry Quotiral; By Trismegistus I'll clear you in a Trice. With this he caused 7532810 huge Drums to be unheaded on one side, and set that open side so that it faced the End of our Streamers and Pendants; and having fastened them to good Tackle, and our Ship's head to the Stern of theirs, with Cables fastened to the Bits abaft the Manger in the Ship's Loof, they towed us off ground at one pull; so easily and pleasantly, that you'd have wondered at it, had you been there. For the Dub-o-dub rattling of the Drums, with the soft noise of the Gravel, which murmuring disputed us our way, and the merry Cheers and Huzzaes' of the Sailors made an Harmony almost as good as that of the Heavenly Bodies when they roll and are whirled round their Spheres, which rattling of the Celestial wheels, Plato said he heard some nights in his sleep.  
We scorned to be behindhand with 'em in Civility, and gratefully gave 'em store of our Sawsidges and Chitterlings, with which we filled their Drums; and we were just a hoisting Two and sixty Hogsheads of Wine out of the Hold, when two huge Whirlpools with great Fury made towards their Ship; spouting more water than is in the River Vienne, [Vigenna] from Chinon to Saumur: To make short. All their Drums, all their Sails, their Concerns, and themselves were soused, and their very Hoze were watered by the Collar.  
Panurge was so overjoyed seeing this, and laughed so heartily, that he was forced to hold his sides, and it set him into a Fit of the Cholic for two hours and more. 〈◊〉 had a mind, quoth he, to make the Dogs drink, and those honest Whirlpools egad have saved me that Labour and that Cost▪ There's Sauce for them; 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 Water's good, saith a Poet, let 'em Pind●rise upon't; they never cared for fresh water, but to wash their Hands or their Glasses. This good Salt water will stand 'em in good stead for want of Sal Armoniac and Nitre in Geber's Kitchin.  
We could not hold any further discourse with 'em; for the former Whirlwind hindered our Ship from feeling the Helm. The Pilot advised us henceforwards to let her run adrift and follow the stream, not busying ourselves with any thing, but making much of our Carcases. For, our only way to arrive safe at the Queendom of Whims, was to trust to the Whirlwind, and be led by the Current.   

CHAP. XIX How we arrived at the Queendom of Whims, or Enthelechy.  
WE did as he directed us for about twelve hours, and on the Third day the Sky seemed to us somewhat clearer, and we happily arrived at the Port of Mateotechny, not far distant from Queen-Whims, alias the Quintessence.  
We met full-but on the Key a great number of Guards and other Military Men that garrisoned the Arsenal; and we were somewhat frighted at first, because they made us all lay down our Arms, and in a haughty manner asked us whence we came?  
Cousin, quoth Panurge to him that asked the Question, we are of Touraine, and come from France, being ambitious of paying our Respects to the Lady Quintessence, and visit this famous Realm of Enthelechy.  
What do you say, cried they? do yo● call it Enthelechy or Endelechy? Truly, truly, sweet Cousins, quoth Panurge, we are ● silly sort of groutheaded Lobcocksaned please you; be so kind as to forgive us if w● chance to knock words out of joint; as fo● any thing else, we are downright hon● fellows, and true hearts.  
We have not asked you this question without a cause, said they; for a grea● number of others who have passed thi● way from your Country of Touraine, seem'● as mere joltheaded Doddipoles, as eve● were scored o'er the Coxcomb, yet spo●● as correct as other folks. But there ha● been here from other Countries a pack 〈◊〉 I know not overweening self-conceited Prigs, as moody as so many Mules, an● as stout as any Scotch Lairds, and northing would serve these, forsooth, but the● must wilfully wrangle and stand out against us at their coming; and muc● they got by it after all; Troth we even fit●ted them, and clawed 'em off with a vengeance, for all they looked so big and so gru●  
Pray tell me, Does your time lie so heavy upon you in your world, that you don't know how to bestow it better than in thus impudently talking, disputing and writing of our Sovereign Lady? There was much need that your Tully, the Consul, should go and leave the Care of his Commonwealth to busy himself idly about her; and after him, your Diogenes Laertius the Biographer, and your Theodorus Gaza the Philosopher, and your Argiropilus the Emperor, and your Bessario the Cardinal, and your Politian the Pedant, and your Budeus the Judge, and your Lascaris the Ambassador, and the Devil and all of those you call Lovers of Wisdom; whose number it seems, was not thought great enough already, but lately your Scaliger, Brigot, Chambrier, Francis Fleury, and I can't tell how many such other junior sneaking Fly-blows must take upon 'em to increase it.  
A Squincy gripe the Cods-headed Changelings at the Swallow, and eke at the cover-weesel; we shall make 'em— But the Dewse take 'em; (they flatter the Devil here, and smoothify his name, quoth Panurge, between his Teeth) you don't come here, continued the Captain, to uphold 'em in their Folly, you have no Commission from 'em to this Effect; well then, we'll talk no more on't.  
Aristotle, that First of Men and peerless Pattern of all Philosophy, was our Sovereign Lady's Godfather; and wisely and properly gave her the Name of Entelechy. Her true Name than is Entelechy, and may he be in Tail beshit, and entail a Shit-a-bed Faculty, and nothing else on his Family, who dares call her by any other Name; for whoever he is, he does her wrong, and is a very impudent person. You are heartily welcome, Gentlemen; with this they called and clipped us about the neck, which was no small Comfort to us, I'll assure you.  
Panurge then whispered me; Fellow-Traveller, quoth he, hast thou not been somewhat afraid this Bout? a little, said I. To tell you the Truth of't, quoth he, never were the Ephraimites in a greater fear and quandary when the Gileadites killed and drowned them for saying Sibboleth instead of Shibboleth; and among Friends, let me tell you, that perhaps there is not a man in the whole Country of Beauce, but might easily have stopped my Bunghole with a Cartload of Hay.  
The Captain afterwards took us to the Queen's Palace, leading us silently with great Formality. Pantagruel would have said something to him; but the other, not being able to come up to his height, wished for a Ladder, or a very long pair of Stilts; then said Patience, if it were our Sovereign Lady's will, we'd be as tall as you; well, we shall, when she pleases.  
In the first Galleries we saw great numbers of sick persons, differently placed according to their Maladies. The Leprous were apart; those that were poisoned on one side, those that had got the Plague on another. Those that had the Pox in the first Rank, and the rest accordingly.   

CHAP. XX. How the Quintessence cured the sick with a Song.  
THE Captain showed us the Queen, attended with her Ladies and Gentlemen in the second Gallery. She looked young, though she was at least Eighteen hundred Years old; and was handsome, slender, and as fine as a Queen, that is, as hands could make her. He then said to us, 'Tis not yet a fit time to speak to the Queen, be you but mindful of her doings in the mean while.  
You have Kings in your World, that fantastically pretend to cure some certain Diseases; as for Example, Scrophube or Wens, swelled Throats, nicknamed the King's Evil, and Quartan Agues, only with a touch; Now our Queen cures all manner of Diseases without so much as touching the sick, but barely with a Song, according to the nature of the Distemper; he than showed us a Set of Organs, and said, that when it was touched by her, those miraculous Cures were performed. The Organ was indeed the strangest that ever Eyes beheld; for, the Pipes were of Cassia Fistula in the Cod; the Top and Cornish of Guayacum; the Bellows of Rhubarb; the Pedals of Turbith; and the Clavier or Keys of Scammony.  
While we were examining this wonderful new make of an Organ, the Leprous were brought in by her Abstractors, Spodizators, Masticators, Pregustics, Tabachins, Chachanins, Neemanins, Rabrebans, Nercins, Rozuins, Nebidins, Tearins, Sagamions, Peratons, Chasmins, Sarins, Soteins, Aboth, Enilins, Archasdarpenins, Mebins, Chabourins, and other Officers, for whom I want names; so she played 'em I don't know what sort of a Tune or Song, and they were all immediately cured.  
Then those who were poisoned were had in, and she had no sooner given them a Song, but they began to find a use for their Legs, and up they got. Then came on the Deaf, the Blind and the Dumb, and they too were restored to their lost Senses with the same Remedy; which did so strangely amaze us (and not without reason, I think) that down we fell on our faces, remaining prostrate like men ravished in Ecstasy, and were not able to utter one word thro' the excess of our Admiration, till she came, and having touched Pantagruel with a fine fragrant Nosegay of white Roses, which she held in her hand, thus made us recover our Senses and get up. Then she made us the following Speech in Byssin Words, such as Parisatis desired should be spoken to her Son Cyrus, or at least of Crimson Alamode.  
The Probity that scintillizes in the Superficies of your Persons, informs my ratiocinating Faculty, in a most stupendous manner, of the radiant Virtues, latent within the precious Caskets and Ventricles of your Minds. For, contemplating the mellifluous Suavity of your thrice discreet Reverences, 'tis impossible not to be persuaded with Facility, that neither your Affections nor your Intellects are vitiated with any defect, or Privation of liberal and exalted Sciences; far from it, all must judge that in you are lodged a Cornucopia, an Encyclopedia, an unmeasurable Profundity of Knowledge in the most peregrine and sublime Disciplines; so frequently the Admiration, and so rarely the Concomitants of the imperite vulgar. This gently compels me, who in preceding Times indefatigably kept my private Affectious absolutely subjugated, to condescend to make my Application to you in the trivial Phrase of the Plebeian World; and assure you, that you are well, most well, most heartily well, more than most heartily welcome.  
I have no hand at making of Speeches, quoth Panurge to me privately; prithee, man, make answer to her for us if thou canst; this would not work with me however, neither did Pantagruel return a word; so that Queen- Whims, or Queen Quintessence (which you please) perceiving that we stood as mute as Fishes, said: Your Taciturnity speaks you not only Disciples of Pythagoras, from whom the venerable Antiquity of my Progenitors in successive propagation was emaned and derives its Original; but also discovers, that, through the Revolution of many Retrograde Moons, you have in Egypt pressed the Extremities of your Fingers, with the hard Tenants of your Mouths, and scalptized your heads with frequent applications of your Unguicules. In the School of Pythagoras, Taciturnity was the Symbol of abstracted and superlative Knowledge; and the silence of the Egyptians was agnited as an expressive manner of Divine Adoration: This caused the Pontiffs of Hieropolis to Sacrifice to the great Deity in silence, impercussively, without any vociferous or obstreperous Sound. My design is not to enter into a Privation of Gratitude towards you; but by a vivacious formality, though matter were to abstract itself from me, excentricate to you my Cogitations.  
Having spoken this, she only said to her Officers, Tabachins a Panacea; and straight they desired us not to take it amiss, if the Queen. did not invite us to dine with her; for she never eat any thing at dinner but some Categories, Jecabots, Emnins, Dimions', Abstractions, Harborins, Chelimins, second Intentions, Caradosh, Antitheses, Metempsycoses, transcendent Prolepsies and such other light Food.  
Then they took us into a little Closet, lined through with Alarms, where we were treated God knows how. 'Tis said, that Jupiter writes whatever is transacted in the World, on the Diphthera or Skin of the Amalthaean Goat that suckled him in Crete, which Pelt served him instead of a Shield against the Titans, whence he was Nicknamed Egiochos. Now, as I hate to drink water, Brother Topers, I protest, it would be impossible to make Eighteen Goatskins hold the Description of all the good Meat they brought before us; though it were written in Characters as small as those in which were penned Homer's Iliads, which Tully tells us he saw enclosed in a Nutshell.  
For my part, had I one hundred Mouths, as many Tongues, a Voice of Iron, a Heart of Oak, and Lungs of Leather, together with the mellifluous Abundance of Plato; yet I never could give you a full account of a Third part of a second of the whole.  
Pantagruel was telling me, that he believed the Queen had given the Symbolic Word used among her Subjects, to denote Sovereign good Cheer, when she said to her Tabachins, A Panacea; just as Lucullus used to say, in Apollo, when he designed to give his Friends a singular Treat, though sometimes they took him at unawares, as among the rest, Cicero and Hortensius sometimes used to do.   

CHAP. XXI. How the Queen passed her Time after Dinner.  
WHEN we had dined, a Chachanin led us into the Queen's Hall, and there we saw how, after Dinner, with the Ladies and Princes of her Court, she used to sift, searse, bolt, range, and pass away time with a fine large white and blue Silk Sieve. We also perceived how they revived Ancient Sports, diverting themselves together at 


* 1. A sort of Country-dance. 2. A still Tragick-dance. 3. Dancing and Singing used at Funerals. 4. Cutting Sarcasms and Lampoons. 5. The Persian-dance. 6. Tunes, whose Measure inspired Men with a kind of Divine Fury. 7. The Thracian-movement. 8. Smutty Verses. 9 A Measure to which the Melossi of Epirus danced a certain Morris. 10. A Dance with Bowls or Pots in their Hands. 11. A Song where one Sings alone. 12. Sports at the Holidays of the God of Bounds. 13. Dancing naked at Flora's Holidays. 14. The Trojan-dance in Armour.  1. Cordax.  
2. Emmelia.  
3. Sicinnis.  
4. Jambics.  
5. Persica.  
6. Phrygia.  
7. Thracia.  
8. Calabrismes.  
9 Molossia.  
10. Cernophorum.  
11. Monodia.  
12. Terminalia.  
13. Floralia.  
14. Pyrrhice.    
And a thousand other Dances.  
Afterwards she gave orders that they should show us the Apartments and Curiosities in her Palace; accordingly we saw there such new strange and wonderful things, that I am still ravished in Admiration every time I think of't. However nothing surprised us more than what was done by the Gentlemen of her Household, Abstractors, Pazarons, Nebidins, Spodizators, and others, who freely and without the least dissembling, told us, That the Queen their Mistress did all impossible things, and cured Men of incurable Diseases; and they, her Officers, used to do the rest.  
I saw there a young Parazon cure many of the new Consumption, I mean the Pox, though they were never so peppered; had it been the rankest Roan-ague [Anglicè, the Covent-garden Gout] 'twas all one to him, touching only their Dentiform Vertebra thrice with a piece of a Wooden-shooe, he made them as wholesome as so many Sucking-pigs.  
Another did thoroughly cure Folks of Dropsies, Tympanies, Ascites, and Hyposarcidies, striking them on the Belly nine times with a Tenedian Satchel, without any Solution of the Continuum.  
Another cured of all manner of Fevers and Agues, on the spot, only with hanging a Fox-tail on the left side of the Patient's Girdle.  
One removed the Toothache only with washing the root of the aching Tooth with Elder-vinegar, and letting it dry half an hour in the Sun.  
Another, the Gout, whether hot or cold, natural or accidental, barely making the Gouty-person shut his Mouth, and open his Eyes.  
I saw another ease nine good Gentlemen of 
* A Consumption in the Pocket, or want of Money; those of St. Francis 's Order must carry none about 'em.  St. Francis' Distemper, in a very short space of time, having clapped a Rope about their Necks, at the end of which hanged a Box with ten thousand Gold Crowns in't.  
One with a wonderful Engine, throwed the Houses out at the Windows, by which means they were purged of all Pestilential Air.  
Another cured of all the three kinds of Hectics, the Tabid, Atrophes, and Emaciated, without bathing, Tabian Milk, Dropax, alias Depilatory, or other such Medicaments: Only turning the Consumtive for three Months into Monks; and he assured me, that if they did not grow fat and plump in a Monastic way of living, they never would be fattened in this World, either by Nature, or by Art.  
I saw another surrounded with a Crowd of two sorts of Women; some were young, acquaint, clever, neat, pretty, juicy, tied, brisk, buxom, proper, kindhearted, and as right as my Leg, to any Man's thinking. The rest were old, weatherbeaten, overriden, toothless, blear-eyed, tough, wrinkled, shriveled, tawny, mouldy, ptysicky, decrepit hags, beldames, and walking Carcases. We were told that his Office was to cast anew those She-pieces of Antiquity, and make them such as the pretty Creatures whom we saw, who had been made young again that day, recovering at once the Beauty, Shape, Size, and Disposition, which they enjoyed at Sixteen, except their Heels that were now much shorter than in their former Youth.  
This made them yet more apt to fall backwards whenever any Man happened to touch 'em, than they had been before. As for their Counterparts, the old Mother-scratch-tobies, they most devoutly waited for the blessed hour, when the Batch that was in the Oven was to be drawn, that they might have their turns, and in a mighty haste they were pulling and hawling the Man like mad, telling him, that 'tis the most grievous and intolerable thing in nature, for the Tail to be o' Fire, and the Head to scare away those who should quench it.  
The Officer had his hands full, never wanting Patients; neither did his place bring him in little, you may swear. Pantagruel asked him, whether he could also make old Men young again? He said, he could not. But the way to make them new men, was to get 'em to cohabit with a new-cast Female; for thus they caught that fifth kind of Crinckams, which some call Pellade; in Greek, 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉, that makes them cast off their old Hair and Skin, just as the Serpents do; and thus their Youth is renewed like the Arabian Phoenix's. This is the true Fountain of Youth, for there the Old and Decrepit become Young, Active and Lusty.  
Just so, as Euripides tells us, Jolaus was transmogrified; and thus Phaon, for whom kindhearted Sapph run wild, grew young again for Venus' use; so Tithon by Aurora's means; so Aeson by Medea, and Jason also, who, if you'll believe Pherecides and Simonides, was new-vamped and died by that Witch; and so were the Nurses of Jolly Bacchus, and their Husbands, as Eschinus relates.   

CHAP. XXII. How Queen Whims' Officers were employed; and how the said Lady retained us among her Abstractors.  
I Then saw a great number of the Queen's Officers, who made Black-a-moors white, as fast as Hops, just rubbing their Bellies with the Bottom of a Pannier.  
Others with three Couples of Foxes in one Yoke, ploughed a Sandy-shoar, and did not lose their Seed.  
Others washed burnt Tiles, and made them lose their Colour.  
Others extracted Water out of Pumice-Stones, braying them a good while in a Mortar, and changed their substance.  
Others sheered Asses, and thus got Long-fleece-wooll.  
Others gathered Barberries and Figs off of Thistles.  
Others stroked He-goats by the Dugs, and saved their Milk in a Sieve; and much they got by it.  
Others taught Cows to dance, and did not lose their fiddling.  
Others pitched Nets to catch the Wind, and took Cock-lobsters in them.  
I saw a young Spodizator, who very artificially got Farts out of a dead Ass, and sold 'em for five pence an Ell.  
Another did putrify Beetles. O the dainty Food!  
Poor Panurge fairly casted up his Accounts, and gave up his halfpenny, [i. e. vomited] seeing an Archafdarpenin, who laid a huge plenty of Chamberlee to putrify in Horse-dung, mish-mashed with abundance of Christian Sir Reverence; pugh, fie upon him, nasty Dog. However, he told us, that with this sacred Distillation, he watered Kings and Princes, and made their sweet Lives a fathom or two the longer.  
Others built Churches to jump over the Steeples.  
Others set Carts before the Horses, and began to flay Eels at the Tail; neither did those Eels cry before they were hurt, like those of Melun.  
Others out of nothing made great things, and made great things return to nothing.  
Others cut Fire into Stakes with a Knife, and drew Water with a Fish-net.  
Others made Chalk of Cheese, and Honey of a Dog's T— d.  
We saw a knot of others, about a Baker's dozen in Number, tippling under an Arbour. They topped out of jolly bottomless Cups, four sorts of cool, sparkling, pure, delicious Vine-tree Syrup, which went down like Mother's Milk; and Healths and Bumpers flew about like Lightning. We were told, that these true Philosophers were fairly multiplying the Stars by drinking till the Seven were Fourteen, as brawny Hercules did with Atlas.  
Others made a Virtue of Necessity, and the best of a bad Market, which seemed to me a very good piece of Work.  
Others made Alchemy [i. e. Sir-reverence] with their Teeth, and clapping their Hind-retort to the Recipient, made scurvy Faces, and then squeezed.  
Others in a large Grass-plat, exactly measured how far the Fleas could go at a Hop, a Step, and Jump; and told us, that this was exceeding useful for the Ruling of Kingdoms, the Conduct of Armies, and the Administration of Commonwealths. And that Socrates, who first had got Philosophy out of Heaven, and from idle and trifling, made it profitable and of moment, used to spend half his Philosophising time in measuring the leaps of Fleas, as Aristophanes, the Quintessential, affirms.  
I saw two Gibroins by themselves, keeping Watch on the top of a Tower; and we were told, they guarded the Moon from the Wolves.  
In a blind Corner, I met four more very hot at it, and ready to go to Loggerheads. I asked what was the cause of the stir and ado, the mighty coil and pother they made? And I heard that for four live-long-days, those over-wise Roisters had been at it dingdong, disputing on three high, more than Metaphysical Propositions, promising themselves Mountains of Gold by solving them: The first was concerning a He-asses Shadow: The second, of the Smoke of a Lantern: And the third, of Goat's Hair, whether it were Wool or no? We heard that they did not think it a bit strange, that two Contradictions in Mode, Form, Figure, and Time, should be true. Tho I'll warrant the Sophists of Paris had rather be unchrist'ned than own so much.  
While we were admiring all those men's wonderful doings, the Evening Star already twinkling; the Queen (God bless her) appeared attended with her Court, and again amazed and dazzled us. She perceived it, and said to us;  
What occasions the Aberrations of humane Cogitations through the perplexing Labyrinths and Abysses of Admiration, is not the Source of the Effects, which sagacious Mortals visibly experience to be the consequential Result of Natural Causes; 'Tis the Novelty of the Experiment, which makes Impressions on their conceptive, cogitative Faculties, that do not previse the facility of the operation adequately, with a subact and sedate Intellection, associated with diligent and congruous Study. Consequently let all manner of Perturbation abdicate the Ventricles of your Brains, if any one has invaded them while you were contemplating what is transacted by my Domestic Ministers. Be Spectators and Auditors of every particular Phaenomenon, and every individual Proposition, within the extent of my Mansion, satiate yourselves with all that can fall here under the Consideration of your Visual or Auscultating Powers, and thus emancipate yourselves from the Servitude of Crassous▪ Ignorance. And that you may be induced to apprehend how sincerely I desire this, in consideration of the studious Cupidity, that so demonstratively emicates at your external Organs, from this present Particle of time, I retain you as my Abstractors. Geber, my Principal Talachin, shall Register and Initiate you at your Departing.  
We humbly thanked her Queenship, without saying a word, accepting of the Noble Office she conferred on us.   

CHAP. XXIII. How the Queen was served at Dinner, and of her way of eating.  
QUeen Whims after this, said to her Gentlemen, The Orifice of the Ventricule, that Ordinary Ambassador for the Alimentation of all Members, whether Superior or Inferior, importunes us to restore by the Apposition of Idoneous Sustenance, what was dissipated by the internal Calidity's Action on the Radical Humidity. Therefore Spodizators, Gesinins, Memains, and Arazons, be not culpable of Dilatory Protractions in the Apposition of every re-roborating Species, but rather let 'em pullulate and superabound on the Tables. As for you, Nobilissim Praegustators, and my Gentilissim Masticators, your frequently experimented Industry internected with perdiligent Sedulity, and sedulous Perdiligence, continually adjuvates you to perficiate all things in so expedititious a manner, that there is no necessity of exciting in you a Cupidity to consummate them. Therefore I can only suggest to you still to operate, as you are assuefacted indefatigably to operate.  
Having made this fine Speech, she retired for a while with part of her Women, and we were told, that 'twas to bathe, as the Ancients did, more commonly than we use nowadays to wash our Hands before we eat. The Tables were soon placed, the Cloth spread, and then the Queen sat down; she eat nothing but Celestial Ambrosia, and drank nothing but Divine Nectar: As for the Lords and Ladies that were there, they as well as we, fared on as rare, costly, and dainty Dishes, as ever Apicius wot or dreamed of in his Life.  
When we were as round as Hoops, and as full as Eggs, with stuffing the Gut, an 
* Some call it an Olio. Rabelais Pot-pourry.  Olla Podrida was set before us, to force Hunger to come to terms with us, in case it had not granted us a Truce; and such a huge vast thing it was, that the Plate which Pythius Althius gave King Darius, would hardly have covered it. The O●● consisted of several sorts of Pottages, Salads, Fricasees, Saugrenees, Cabirotadoes, Rost and Boil'd-meat, Carbonadoes, swingeing pieces of Powder'd-beef, good old Hams, dainty Somates, Cakes, Tarts, a world of Curds after the Morisk-way, fresh Cheese, Jellies and Fruit of all sorts. All this seemed to me good and dainty; however the sight of it made me sigh; for alas; I could not taste a bit on't; so full I had filled my Puddings before, and a Belliful's a Belliful you know. Yet I must tell you what I saw, that seemed to me odd enough o' Conscience; 'twas some Pasties in Paste; and what should those Pasties in Paste be, d'ye think, but Pasties in Pots? At the bottom I perceived store of Dice, Cards, 
* Great Cards on which many different things are figured.  Tarots, 
* Pieces of Ivory to play withal.  Luettes, Chess-men, and Chequers, besides full Bowls of Gold Crowns, for those who had a mind to have a Game or two, and try their Chance. Under this, I saw a Jolly Company of Mules in stately Trappings, with Velvet footcloths, and a Troop of Ambling Nags, some for Men, and some for Women; besides, I don't know how many Litters all lined with Velvet, and some Coaches of Ferrara-make; all this for those who had a mind to take the Air.  
This did not seem strange to me; but if any thing did, 'twas certainly the Queen's way of eating, and truly 'twas very new, and very odd; for she chewed nothing, the good Lady, not but that she had good sound Teeth, and her meat required to be masticated; but such was her Highness' Custom. When her Praegustators had tasted the meat, her Masticators took it and chewed it most nobly; for their dainty Chaps and Gullets were lined through with Crimson Satin with little Welts, and Gold Purls, and their Teeth were of delicate White Ivory; thus, when they had chewed the Meat ready for her Highness' Maw, they poured it down her Throat through a Funnel of fine Gold, and so on to her Craw. For that reason, they told us, she never visited a Close-stool but by Proxy.   

CHAP. XXIV. How there was a Ball in the manner of a Tournament, at which Queen Whi●● was present.  
AFter Supper there was a Ball in the form of a Tilt or Tournament, not only worth seeing, but also never to be forgotten. First, the Floor of the Hal● was covered with a large piece of Velveted white and yellow chequered Tapestry, each Chequer exactly Square, and three full Spans in breadth.  
Then thirty two young Persons came into the Hall; sixteen of them arrayed i● Cloth of Gold; and of these, eight we● young Nymphs, such as the Ancients de●scrib'd Diana's Attendants; the other eigh● were a King, a Queen, two Wardens 〈◊〉 the Castle, two Knights, and two Archers Those of the other Band were clad in Cloak of Silver.  
They posted themselves on the Tap's● in the following manner: The King's 〈◊〉 the last Line on the fourth Square, so th● the Golden King was on a White Squa● the Silvered King on a Yellow Square, an● each Queen by her King; the Gold● Queen on a Yellow Square, and the S●●ver'd Queen on a White one, and on ea● side stood the Archers to guard their Kings and Queens; by the Archers the Knights, and the Wardens by them. In the next Row before 'em stood the eight Nymphs; and between the two Bands of Nymphs, four rows of Squares stood empty.  
Each Band had its Musicians, eight on each side dressed in its Livery; the one with Orange-coloured Damask, the other with White, and all played on different Instruments most melodiously and harmoniously, still varying in Time and Measure as ●he Figure of the Dance required. This ●eem'd to me an admirable thing considering the numerous diversity of Steps, ●ack-steps, Bounds, Rebounds, Jerts, ●aces, Leaps, Skips, Turns, Coupés, Hops, heading, Risings, Meetings, Flights, Em●uscadoes, Moves, and Removes.  
I was also at a loss, when I strove to comprehend how the Dancers could so suddenly know what every different Note ●eant; for they no sooner heard this or ●at sound, but they placed themselves in ●e peace which was denoted by the Monk, though their Motions were all different. ●or the Nymphs that stood in the first ●e, as if they designed to begin the Fight, ●arch'd straight forwards to their Enemy's ●om Square to Square, unless it were the ●st step, at which they were free to move ●er two steps at once, They alone never fall back [which is not very natural to oth● Nymphs] and if any one of them is 〈◊〉 lucky as to advance to the opposite King's Row, she is immediately crowned Qu●●● of her King, and after that, moveth w● the same State, and in the same manner 〈◊〉 the Queen; but till that happens, th● never strike their Enemies but forwar● and obliquely in a diagonal Line. Ho● ever, they make it not their chief B●●ness to take their Foes, for if they 〈◊〉 they would leave their Queen exposed▪ the adverse Parties, who then might 〈◊〉 her.  
The Kings move and take their Enemy's on all sides square-ways, and o● step from a white Square into a yellow 〈◊〉 and vice versa, except at their first step 〈◊〉 Rank should want other Officers than 〈◊〉 Wardens; for than they can set 'em in 〈◊〉 place, and retire by him.  
The Queens take a greater Liberty 〈◊〉 any of the rest, for they move backway and forwards all manner of ways, 〈◊〉 straight Line, as far as they please, provi● the place be not filled with one of her 〈◊〉 Party, and diagonally also keeping to 〈◊〉 Colour on which she stands.  
The Archers move backwards or ●●●●wards, far and near, never changing 〈◊〉 Colour on which they stand.  
The Kights move, and take in a lineal manner, stepping over one Square, though a Friend or a Foe stand upon it, posting themselves on the second Square to the right or left, from one Colour to another, which is very unwelcome to the adverse Party, and aught to be carefully observed, for they take ●t unawares.  
The Wardens move, and take to the right or left, before or behind them, like the Kings, and can advance as far as they find places empty; which liberty the Kings ●ake not.  
The Laws which both sides observe, is ●t the end of the Fight, to besiege and enclose the King of either Party, so that he may not be able to move; and being reduced to that extremity, the Battle is over, and he loses the day.  
Now to avoid this, there is none of ●ither Sex of each Party, but is willing to sacrifice his or her Life, and they begin to take one another on all sides in time, as ●oon as the Mus●ick strikes up. When any one takes a Prisoner, he makes his Honours, ●nd striking him gently in the hand, putteth ●im out of the Field of Combat, and Encamps were he stood.  
If one of the King's chance to stand where he might be taken, it is not lawful for any of his Adversaries that had discovered him, to lay hold on him; far from it they are strictly enjoined humbly to pay him their Respects, and give him notice, saying, God preserve you, Sir, that his Officers may relieve and cover him, or he may remove, if unhappily he could not be relieved. However, he is not to be taken, but greeted with a Good morrow, the others bending the Knee; and thus the Tournament uses to end.   

CHAP. XXV. How the Thirty two Persons at the Ball fought.  
THE two Companies having taken th● Stations, the Music struck up, an● with a Martial-sound, which had something of horrid in it, like a Point of War, rom'● and alarmed both Parties, who now be●gan to shiver, and then soon were warmed with Warlike rage; and having got in 〈◊〉 readiness to fight desperately, impatient 〈◊〉 delay, stood waiting for the Charge.  
Then the Music of the Silvered Barnes ceased playing, and the Instruments of th● Golden-side alone were heard, which de●noted that the Golden-party attacked. Ac●cordingly a new Movement was played for th● Onset, and we saw the Nymph, who stoo● before the Queen, turn to the left toward her King, as it were to ask leave to fight; and thus saluting her Company at the same time, she moved two Squares forwards, and saluted the adverse Party.  
Now the Music of the Golden Brigade ceased playing, and their Antagonists began again. I ought to have told you, That the Nymph, who began by saluting her Company, had by that Formality also given them to understand that they were to fall on. She was saluted by them in the same manner with a full turn to the left, except the Queen, who went aside towards her King to the right; and the same manner of Salution was observed on both sides, during the whole Ball.  
The Silvered Nymph that stood before her Queen likewise moved, as soon as the Music of her Party sounded a Charge; her Salutations, and those of her side, were to the Right, and her Queens to the left. She moved into the second Square forwards, and saluted her Antagonists, facing the first Golden Nymph, so that there was not any distance between them, and you would have thought they two had been going to fight, but they only strike side-ways.  
Their Comrades, whether Silvered or Golden, followed 'em in an intercalary Figure, and seemed to Skirmish a while, till the Golden Nymph, who had first entered the Lists, striking a Silvered Nymph in the hand on the right, put her out of the Field, and set herself in her place. But soon the Music playing a new Measure, she was struck by a Silvered Archer, who after that was obliged himself to retire. A Silvered Knight then sallied out, and the Golden Queen posted herself before her King.  
Then the Silvered King dreading the Golden Queen's Fury, removed to the right, to the place where his Warden stood which seemed to him strong and well-guarded.  
The two Knights on the left, whether Golden or Silvered, marched up, and on either side took up many Nymphs, who could not retreat, principally the Golden Knight, who made this his whole business: But the Silvered Knight had greater Designs, dissembling all along, and even sometimes not taking a Nymph when he could have done it, still moving on till he was come up to the main Body of his Enemies, in such a manner, that he saluted their King with a, God save you, Sir.  
The whole Golden Brigade quaked for fear and anger, those words giving notice of their King's danger; not but that they could soon relieve him, but because their King being thus saluted, they were to lose their Warden on the right Wing, without any hopes of a Recovery. Then the golden King retired to the Left, and the silvered Knight took the golden Warden, which was a mighty Loss to that Party. However, they resolved to be revenged, and surrounded the Knight that he might not escape; he tried to get off, behaving himself with a great deal of Gallantry, and his Friends did what they could to save him, but at last he fell into the golden Queen's hands and was carried off.  
Her Forces not yet satisfied, having lost one of their best men, with more Fury than Conduct moved about, and did much mischief among their Enemies: The silvered Party warily dissembled, watching their opportunity to be even with them, and presented one of their Nymphs to the golden Queen, having laid an Ambuscado, so that the Nymph being taken, a golden Archer had like to have seized the silvered Queen. Then the golden Knight undertakes to take the silvered King and Queen, and says, good morrow. The silvered Archer salutes them, and was taken by a golden Nymph, and she herself by a silvered one.  
The Fight was obstinate and sharp: The Wardens left their Posts, and advanced to relieve their Friends. The Battle was doubtful, and Victory hovered over both Armies. Now the Silver Host charge and break through their Enemy Ranks, as far as the Golden King's Te● and now they are beaten back; The golden Queen distinguishes herself from the rest by her mighty Achievements, 〈◊〉 more than by her Garb and Dignity for at once she takes an Archer▪ and going side-ways, seizes a silvered Warden. Which Thing the silvered Queen perceiving she came forwards, and rushing on with e●qual Bravery, takes the last golden Warde● and some Nymphs. The two Quee● fought a long while hand to hand; no● striving to take each other by Surprise, then to save themselves, and sometimes to guard their Kings. Finally, The golden Queen took the silvered Queen; b● presently after she herself was taken by the silvered Archer.  
Then the silvered King had only three Nymphs, an Archer, and a Warden left; and the golden only three Nymphs and the right Knight, which made them fight more slowly and warily than before. The two King● seemed to mourn for the Loss of their loving Queens, and only studied and e●●deavour'd to get new ones out of 〈◊〉 their Nymphs, to be raised to that Dig●nity, and thus be married to them. Th● made them excite those brave Nymphs 〈◊〉 strive to reach the farthest Rank, wher● stood the King of the contrary Party promising them certainly to have them Crowned if they could do this. The golden Nymphs were beforehand with the others, and out of their number was created a Queen, who was dressed in Royal Robes, and had a Crown set on her head. You need not doubt the silvered Nymphs made also what haste they could to be Queens; one of them was within a step of the Coronation Place; but there the golden Knight lay ready to intercept her, so that she could go no further.  
The new golden Queen, resolved to show herself valiant and worthy of her Advancement to the Crown, achieved great Feats of Arms, But in the mean time, the silvered Warden takes the golden Knight who guarded the Camp; and thus there was a new silvered Queen, who, like the other, strove to excel in Heroic Deeds at the beginning of her Reign. Thus the Fight grew hotter than before. A thousand Stratagems, Charges, Rallying, Retreats and Attacks were tried on both sides; till at last the silvered Queen, having by stealth advanced as far as the golden King's Tent, cried; God save you, Sir. Now none but his new Queen could relieve him; so she bravely came and exposed herself to the utmost Extremity to deliver him out of it. Then the silvered Warden with his Queen, reduced the golden King to such a stress, that to save himself, he was forced to lose his Queen; but the golden King took him at last. However, the rest of the golden Party were soon taken; and that King being left alone, the silvered Party made him a low Bow; crying, Good morrow, Sir; which denoted that the silvered King had got the Day.  
This being heard, the Music of both Parties loudly proclaimed the Victory. And thus the first Battle ended to the unspeakable Joy of all the Spectators.  
After this the two Brigades took their former Stations, and began to tilt a second time, much as they had done before; only the Music played somewhat faster than at the first Battle; and the motions were altogether different. I saw the golden Queen sally out one of the first, with an Archer and a Knight, as it were angry at the former Defeat, and she had like to have fallen upon the silvered King in his Tent among his Officers; but having been balked in her Attempt, she skirmished briskly, and overthrew so many silvered Nymphs and Officers, that it was a most amazing sight. You would have sworn she had been another Penth●silea; for she behaved herself with as much Bravery as that Amazonian Queen did at Troy.  
But this havoc did not last long; for, the silvered Party, exasperated by their Loss, resolved to perish, or stop her Progress; and having posted an Archer in Ambuscado on a distant Angle, together with a Knight Errand, her Highness fell into their hands, and was carried out of the Field. The rest were soon routed after the taking of their Queen; who without doubt, from that time resolved to be more wary, and keep near her King, without venturing so far amidst her Enemies, unless with more Forces to defend her. Thus the silvered Brigade once more got the Victory.  
This did not dishearten or deject the golden Party; far from it, they soon appeared again in the Field to face their Enemies; and being posted as before, both the Armies seemed more resolute and cheerful than ever. Now the martial Consort began, and the Music was above a Hemiole the quicker, according to the Warlike Phrygian Mode, such as was invented by Marsias.  
Then our Combatants began to wheel about and charge with such a swiftness, that in an instant they made four moves, besides the usual Salutations. So that they were continually in Action, flying, hover, jumping, vaulting, tumbling, curvetting, with petauristical Turns and Motions, and often intermingled.  
Seeing them turn about on one Foot after they had made their Honours, we compared them to your Tops or Giggs, such as Boys use to whip about; making them turn round so swiftly, that they sleep, as they call it, and motion cannot be perceived, but resembles rest its contrary: So that if you make a Point or Mark on some part of one of those Jigs, 'twill be perceived not as a Point, but as a continual Line, in a most divine manner, as Cusanus has wisely observed.  
While they were thus warmly engaged, we heard continually the Claps and Episemasies which those of the two Bands reiterated at the taking of their Enemies; and this, joined to the variety of their Motions and Music, would have forced Smiles out of the most severe Cato, the never-laughing Crassus, the Athenian Man-hater Timon; nay, even the whining Heraclitus, though he abhorred Laughing, the Action that's most peculiar to Man. For who could have forborn? seeing those young Warriors with their Nymphs and Queens so briskly and gracefully advance, retire, jump, leap, skip, spring, fly, vault, caper, move to the Right, to the Left every way still in Time, so swiftly, and yet so dextrously, that they never touched one another but methodically.  
As the number of the Combatants lessened, the Pleasure of the Spectators increased; For the Stratagems and Motions of the remaining Forces were more singular. I shall only add, that this pleasing Entertainment charmed us to such a degree, that our minds were ravished with Admiration and Delight; and the martial Harmony moved our Souls so powerfully, that we easily believed what is said of Ismenias' having excited Alexander to rise from Table and run to his Arms with such a warlike Melody. At last the golden King remained Master of the Field; And, while we were minding those Dances, Queen-Whims vanished, so that we saw her no more from that day to this.  
Then Geber's Michelots' conducted us, and we were set down among her Abstractors, as her Queenship had commanded. After that, we returned to the Port of Mateotechny, and thence straight o' board our Ships; For the Wind was fair, and had we not hoist Sail out o' hand, we could hardly have got off in three quarters of a Moon in the Wain.   

CHAP. XXVI. How we came to the Island of Odes, where the Ways go up and down.  
WE Sailed before the Wind, between a pair of Courses, and in two days made the Island of Odes; at which Place we saw a very strange thing. The ways there are Animals; so true is Aristotle's Saying, that all selfmoving things are Animals. Now the Ways walk there; Ergo. They are then Animals: Some of them are strange unknown ways, like those of the Planets; others are Highways, Cross-ways, and Byways. I perceived that the Travellers and Inhabitants of that Country asked whither does this way go? whither does that way go? Some answered, between Midy and Feurolles, to the Parish Church, to the City, to the River, and so forth. Being thus in their right way, they used to reach their Journeys end without any further trouble, just like those who go by water from Lions to Avignon or Arles.  
Now, as you know that nothing is perfect here below, we heard there was a sort of People whom they called High-way-men, Way-beaters, and makers of Inroads in Roads; and that the poor ways were sadly afraid of them, and shunned them as you do Robbers. For these used to waylay them, as people lay Trains for Wolves, and set 'Gins for Woodcocks. I saw one who was taken up with a Lord-Chief-Justice's Warrant, for having unjustly and in spite of Pallas taken the School-way, which is the longest. Another boasted that he had fairly taken his shortest, and that doing so, he first compassed his design. Thus Carpalin, meeting once Epistemon looking upon a Wall with his Fiddle-diddle, or live Urinal, in his hand, to make a little Maid's water, cried, that he did not wonder now how the other came to be still the first at Pantagruel's Lever, since he held his shortest, and least used.  
I found Bourges Highway among these. It went with the deliberation of an Abbot, but was made to scamper at the approach of some Waggoners, who threatened to have it trampled under their Horse's feet, and make their Wagons run over it, as Tullia's Chariot did over her Father's Body.  
I also spied there the old Way between Peronne and St. Quentin, which seemed to me a very good, honest, plain way, as smooth as a Carpet, and as good as ever was trod upon by shoe of Leather.  
Among the Rocks I knew again the good old way to la Ferrare, mounted on a huge Bear. This at a distance would have put me in mind of St. Jerome's Picture, had but the Bear been a Lion; for the poor way was all mortified, and wore a long hoary Beard uncombed and entangled, which looked like the Picture of Winter, or at least like a white-frosted Bush.  
On that way were store of Beads or Rosaries, coursely made of wild Pinetree; and it seemed kneeling, not standing, nor lying flat; but its sides and middle were beaten with huge stones; insomuch, that it proved to us at once an Object of Fear and Pity.  
While we were examining it, a Runner Bachelor of the Place took us aside, and showing us a white smooth Way, somewhat filled with Straw, said, Henceforth, Gentlemen, do not reject the Opinion of Thales the Milesian, who said that water is the beginning of all things, nor that of Homer, who tells us, that all things derive their Original from the Ocean: For, this same Way which you see here, had its beginning from water, and is to return whence she came before two months come to an end; now Carts are driven here where Boats used to be rowed.  
Truly, said Pantagruel, you tell us no news, we see five hundred such changes and more every year in our World. Then reflecting on the different manner of going of those moving Ways; he told us, he believed that Philolaus and Aristarchus had Philosophised in this Island, and that some indeed were of Opinion, the Earth turns round about its Poles, and not the Heavens, whatever we may think to the contrary; As when we are on the River Loire, we think the Trees and the Shoar moves, though this is only an effect of our Boat's motion.  
As we went back to our Ships, we saw three Waylayers, who having been taken in Ambuscado, were going to be be broken on the Wheel; and a huge Fornicator was burned with a lingering Fire, for beating a way, and breaking one of its sides: we were told it was the way of the Banks of the Nile in Egypt.   

CHAP. XXVII. How we came to the Island of Sandals; and of the Order of Semiquaver Friars.  
THence we went to the Island of Sandals, whose Inhabitants live on nothing but Ling Broth. However, we were very kindly received and entertained by Benius the Third, King of the Island; who, after he had made us drink, took us with him to show us a spick-and-span-new Monastery, which he had contrived for the Semiquaver Friars; so he called the Religious Men whom he had there. For he said, that on t'other side the Water lived Friars, who styled themselves her sweet Ladyships most humble Servants. Item, the goodly Friar-minors, who are Semibreves of Bulls; the smoak'd-herring Tribe of Minim Friars; then the Crotchet Friars. So that these diminitives could be no more than Semiquavers. By the Statutes, Bulls, and Patents of Queen- Whims, they were all dressed like so many House-Burners, except that as in Anjou, your Bricklayers use to quilt their Knees when they tile houses, so these holy Friars had usually quilted Bellies, and thick quilted Paunches were among them in much Repute: Their Codpieces were cut Slipper-fashion, and every Monk of them wore two; one sowed before, and another behind, reporting that some certain dreadful Mysteries were duly represented by this duplicity of Codpieces.  
They wore Shoes as round as Basins, in Imitation of those who inhabit the sandy Sea. Their Chins were close shaved, and their Feet Iron-shod; and to show they did not value Fortune, Benius made them shave and powl the hind part of their Poles, as bare as a Bird's Arse, from the Crown to the Shoulderblades: But they had leave to let their Hair grow before, from the two triangular Bones in the upper part of the Skull.  
Thus they did not value Fortune a Button, and cared no more for the Goods of this World, than you or I do for hanging. And to show how much they defied that blind Jilt, all of them wore, not in their Hands like her, but at their Waste, instead of Beads, Sharp-razors, which they used to new grind twice a Day, and set thrice a Night.  
Each of them had a round Ball on their Feet, because Fortune is said to have one under hers.  
The Flap of their Cowls hanged forwards, and not backwards, like those of others; thus none could see their Noses, and they laughed without fear both at Fortune and the Fortunate, neither more nor less than our Ladies laugh at barefaced Trulls, when they have those Mufflers on, which they call Masks, and which were formerly much more properly call Charity, because they cover multitude of Sins  
The hind part of their Faces were always uncovered, as are our Faces, which made them either go with their Belly, or the Arse foremost, which they pleased. When their hind Face went forwards, you would have sworn this had been their Natural-gate; as well on account of their round Shoes, as of the double Codpiece, and their Face behind, which was as bare as the back of my Hand, and coursely daubed over with two Eyes, and a Mouth, such as you see on some Indian-nuts. Now, if they offered to waddle along with their Bellies forwards, you would have thought they were then playing at Blind-man's Buff. May I never be hanged, if 'twas not a Comical sight.  
Their way of Living was thus; about Owl light they charitably began to Boot and Spur one another: This being done, the least thing they did, was to Sleep and Snoar; and thus Sleeping, they had Barnacles on the Handles of their Faces, or Spectacles at most.  
You may swear, we did not a little wonder at this odd fancy; but they satisfied us presently, telling us, That the Day of Judgement is to take Mankind napping; therefore to show they did not refuse to make their Personal Appearance, as Fortune's Darlings use to do, they were always thus Booted and Spurred, ready to mount whenever the Trumpet should sound.  
At Noon, as soon as the Clock struck, they used to awake. You must know that their Clock-bell, Church-bells, and Refectuary-bells; were all made according to the Pontial device, that is, quilted with the finest Down, and their Clappers of Fox-tails.  
Having then made shift to get up at Noon, they pulled off their Boots, and those that wanted to speak with a Maid, alias piss, pissed; those that wanted to Scumber, scumbered; and those that wanted to Sneeze, sneezed. But all, whether they would or no (poor Gentlemen!) were obliged largely and plentifully to Yawn, and this was their first Breakfast (O rigorous Statute!) Methought 'twas very comical to observe their Transactions; for, having laid their Boots and Spurs on a Rack, they went into the Cloisters: There they curiously washed their Hands and Mouths, than sat them down on a long Bench, and picked their Teeth till the Provost gave the Signal, whistling through his Fingers; then every He stretched out his Jaws as much as he could, and they gaped and yawned for about half an hour, sometimes more, sometimes less, according as the Prior judged the Breakfast to be suitable to the day.  
After that, they went in Procession; two Banners being carried before them, in one of which was the Picture of Virtue, and that of Fortune in the other. The last went before, carried by a Semiquavering-Friar, at whose Heels was another with the Shadow or Image of Virtue in one hand, and an Holy-water-sprinkle in the other; I mean of that Holy Mercurial-water, which Ovid describes in his the fastic. And as the preceding Semiquaver rang a Hand-bell, this shaked the Sprinkle with his First. With that, says Pantagruel, This Order contradicts the Rule which Tully and the Academics prescribed, That Virtue ought to go before, and Fortune follow. But they told us, they did as they ought, seeing their Design was to breech, lash, and bethwack Fortune.  
During the Processions they trilled and quavered most melodiously betwixt their Teeth I don't know what Antiphones, or Chanting by turns: For my part, 'twas all Hebrew-Greek to me, the Devil a word I could pick out on't; at last pricking up my Ears, and intensely listening, I perceived they only sang with the Tip of theirs. O, what a rare Harmony it was! How well 'twas tuned to the sound of their Bells! You'll never find these to jar, that you won't. Pantagruel made a notable Observation upon the Processions; for, says he, have you seen and observed the policy of these Semiquavers? To make an end of their Procession, they went out at one of the Church-doors, and came in at the other; they took a deal of care not to come in at the place whereat they went out. On my honour, these are a subtle sort of people, quoth Panurge, they have as much wit as three folks, Two Fools and a mad man; they are as wise as the Calf that ran Nine miles to suck a Bull, and when he came there 'twas a Steer. This Subtlety and Wisdom of theirs, cried Friar John, is borrowed from the Occult Philosophy, may I be gutted like an Oyster, if I can tell what to make on't. Then the more 'tis to be feared, said Pantagruel; for Subtlety suspected, Subtlety foreseen, Subtilty found out, loses the Essence and very Name of Subtlety, and only gains that of Blockishness. They are not such fools as you take them to be, they have more Tricks than are good, I doubt.  
After the Procession, they went sluggingly into the Fratry-Room by the way of walk and healthful Exercise, and there kneeled under the Tables, leaning their Breasts on Lanterns. While they were in that Posture, in came a huge Sandal, with a Pitch fork in his hand, who used to baste, rib-roast, swaddle, and swinge them well-favour'dly, as they said, and in truth treated them after a fashion. They began their Meal as 〈◊〉 you end yours, with Cheese, and ended it with Mustard and Lettuce, as Martial tells us the Ancients did. Afterwards a Platter full of Mustard was brought before every one of them; and thus they made good the Proverb, After Meat comes Mustard.  
Their Diet was this.  
O Sundays they stuffed their Puddings with Puddings, Chitterlings, Links, Bolonia-Sawcidges, Forc'd-meats, Livering, Hogs-haslets, young Quails, and Teals; you must also always add Cheese for the first Course, and Mustard for the last.  
O Mondays, they were crammed with Pease and Pork, cum commento, and interlineary Glosses.  
O Tuesdays, they used to twist store of Holy-bread, Cakes, Buns, Puffs, Lenten-Loaves, Jumbals and Biscuits.  
O Wednesdays, my Gentlemen had fine Sheeps-heads, Calves-heads, and Brocks-heads, of which there's no want in that Country.  
O Thursdays, they guzzled down seven sorts of Porridge, not forgetting Mustard.  
O' friday, they munched nothing but Services or Sorbapples; neither were these full ripe, as I guessed by their Complexion.  
O Saturdays, they gnawed Bones, not that they were poor or needy, for every Mother's Son of 'em had a very good fat Belly-Benefice.  
As for their Drink, 'twas an Antifortunal, thus they called I done't know what sort of a Liquor of the place.  
When they wanted to eat or drink, they turned down the Back-points or Flaps of their Cowls forwards, below their Chins, and that served 'em instead of Gorgets or Slabberring-Bibs.  
When they had well dined, they prayed rarely, all in Quavers and Shakes; and the rest of the day, expecting the day of Judgement, they were taken up with Acts of Charity. And particularly,  
O' Sundays, Rubbers at Cuffs.  
O Mondays, lending each other Flirt's and Fillups on the Nose.  
O Tuesdays, clapperclawing one another.  
O Wednesdays, sniting and fly-flapping,  
O' Thursdays, worming and pumping,  
O' Fridays, tickling,  
O' Saturdays, jirking and firking one another.  
Such was their Diet when they resided in the Convent, and if the Prior of the Monk-house sent any of them abroad, than they were strictly enjoined, neither to touch nor eat any manner of Fish, as long as they were on Sea or Rivers; and to abstain from all manner of Flesh whenever they were at Land, that every one might be convinced, that while they enjoyed the Object, they denied themselves the Power, and even the Desire, and were no more moved with it, than the Marpesian Rock.  
All this was done with proper Antiphones, still sung and chanted by Ear, as we have already observed.  
When the Sun went to bed, they fairly Booted and Spurred each other as before, and having clapped on their Barnacles, even jogged to bed too. At Midnight the Sandal came to them, and up they got, and having well whetted and set their Razors, and been a processioning, they clapped the Tables over themselves, and like wire-drawers under their work, fell to it as aforesaid.  
Friar John des Entoumeures, having shrewdly observed these jolly Semiquaver-Friars, and had a full account of their Statutes, lost all patience, and cried out aloud; Bounce Tail, and God ha' mercy Guts; if every Fool should wear a Babble, Fuel would be dear. A Plague rot it, we must know how many Farts go to an Ounce; would Priapus were here as he used to be at the nocturnal Festivals in Crete, that I might see him play backwards and wriggle and shake to the purpose. Ay, ay, this is the World, and t'other is the Country; may I never piss, if this be notan Antichthonian Land, and our very Antipodes: In Germany they pull down Monasteries and unfrockifie the Monks; here they go quite Kam, and act clean contrary to others, setting new ones up, against the hair.   

CHAP. XXVIII. How Panurge asked a Semiquaver Friar many questions. and was only answered in Monosyllables.  
PAnurge, who had since been wholly taken up with staring at these Royal Semiquavers, at last pulled one of them by the Sleeve, who was as lean as a Rake, and asked him,  
Hark ' e me, Friar Quaver, Semiquaver, Demisemiquavering Quaver, where's the Punk?  
The Friar pointing downwards, answered, There.  Pan. 
Pray have you many?  Fry. 
Few.  Pan. 
How many Scores have you?  Fry. 
One.  Pan. 
How many would you have?  Fry. 
Five.  Pan. 
Where do you hide hide?  Fry. 
Here.  Pan. 
I suppose they are not all of one age; but pray how is their Shape?  Fry. 
Strait.  Pan. 
Their Complexion?  Fry. 
Clear.  Pan. 
Their Hair?  Fry. 
Fair.  Pan. 
Their Eyes?  Fry. 
Black.  Pan. 
Their Features?  Fry. 
Good.  Pan. 
Their Brows?  Fry. 
Small.  Pan. 
Their Graces?  Fry. 
Ripe.  Pan. 
Their Looks?  Fry. 
Free.  Pan. 
Their Feet?  Fry. 
Flat.  Pan. 
Their Heels?  Fry. 
Short.  Pan. 
Their lower Parts?  Fry. 
Rare.  Pan. 
And their Arms?  Fry. 
Long.  Pan. 
What do they wear on their hands?  Fr. 
Gloves.  Pan. 
What sorts of Rings on their Fingers?  Fry. 
Gold.  Pan. 
What Rigging do you keep 'em in?  Fry. 
Cloth.  Pan. 
What sort of Cloth is it?  Fry. 
New.  Pan. 
What Colour?  Fry. 
Sky.  Pan. 
What kind of Cloth is it?  Fry. 
Fine.  Pan. 
What Caps do they wear?  Fry. 
Blue.  Pan. 
What ' the Colour of their Stockings?  Fry. 
Red.  Pan. 
What wear they on their Feet?  Fry. 
Pumps.  Pan. 
How do they use to be?  Fry. 
Fowl.  Pan. 
How do they use to walk?  Fry. 
Fast.  Pan. 
Now let's talk of the Kitchen, I mean that of the Harlots, and without going hand over head, let's a little examine things by particulars. What is in their Kitchens?  Fry. 
Fire.  Pan. 
What Fuel feeds it?  Fry. 
Wood  Pan. 
What sort of Wood is't?  Fry. 
Dry.  Pan. 
And of what kind of Trees?  Fry. 
Yews.  Pan. 
What are the Faggots and Brushes of?  Fry. 
Holme.  Pan. 
What Wood d'ye burn in your Chambers?  Fry. 
Pine.  Pan. 
And of what other Trees?  Fry. 
Line.  Pan. 
Harkee me, as for the Buttocks, I'll go your halves: Pray, how do you feed 'em?  Fry. 
Well.  Pan. 
First, what do they eat?  Fry. 
Bread.  Pan. 
Of what Complexion?  Fry. 
White.  Pan. 
And what else?  Fry. 
Meat.  Pan. 
How do they love it dressed?  Fry. 
Rost.  Pan. 
What sort of Porridge?  Fry. 
None.  Pan. 
Are they for Pies and Tarts?  Fry. 
Much.  Pan. 
There I'm their Man. Will Fish go down with them?  Fry. 
Well.  Pan. 
And what else?  Fry. 
Eggs.  Pan. 
How do they like 'em?  Fry. 
Boiled.  Pan. 
And how must they be done?  Fry. 
Hard.  Pan. 
Is this all they have?  Fry. 
No.  Pan. 
What have they besides then?  Fry. 
Beef.  Pan. 
And what else?  Fry. 
Pork.  Pan. 
And what more?  Fry. 
Geese.  Pan. 
What then?  Fry. 
Ducks.  Pan. 
And what besides?  Fry. 
Cocks.  Pan. 
What do they season their Meat with?  Fry. 
Salt.  Pan. 
What Sauce are the most dainty for?  Fry. 
Must.  Pan. 
What's their last Course?  Fry. 
Rice.  Pan. 
And what else?  Fry. 
Milk.  Pan. 
What besides?  Fry. 
Pease.  Pan. 
What sort?  Fry. 
Green.  Pan. 
What do they boil 'em with?  Fry. 
Pork.  Pan. 
What fruit do they eat?  Fry. 
Good.  Pan. 
How?  Fry. 
Raw.  Pan. 
What do they end with?  Fry. 
Nuts.  Pan. 
How do they drink?  Fry. 
Neat.  Pan. 
What Liquor?  Fry. 
Wine.  Pan. 
What sort?  Fry. 
White.  Pan. 
In Winter?  Fry. 
Strong.  Pan. 
In the Spring?  Fry. 
Brisk.  Pan. 
In Summer?  Fry. 
Cool.  Pan. 
In Autumn?  Fry. 
New.  
Buttock of a Monk! cried Friar John, how plump these plaguy Trulls, these arch Semiquavering Strumpets must be! That damned Cattle are so high fed that they must needs be high metalled, and ready to winse, and give two ups for one go-down, when any one offers to ride 'em below the Crupper.  
Prithee, Friar John, quoth Panurge, hold thy prating Tongue, stay till I have done.  
Till what time do the Doxies set up?  Fry. 
Night.  Pan. 
When do they get up?  Fry. 
Late.  Pan. 
May I ride on a Horse that was foaled of an Acorn, if this be not as honest a Cod as ever the Ground went upon, and as grave as an old Gate-post into the Bargain. Would to the blessed St. Semiquaver, and the blessed worthy Virgin St. Semiquaverera, he were Lord Chief Precedent [Justice] of Paris. Odsbodikins, how he'd dispatch! with what Expedition would he bring disputes to an upshot! what an Abreviator and Clawer off of Lawsuits, Reconciler of Differences, Examiner and Fumbler of Bags, Peruser of Bills, Scribbler of Rough-drafts, and Engrosser of Deeds, would he not make! Well, Friar, spare your Breath to cool your Porridge: Come, let's now talk with Deliberation, fair and softly, as Lawyers go to Heaven. Let's know how you Victual the Venereal Camp.  
How is the Snatchblatch?  Fry. 
Rough.  Pan. 
How is the Gate-way?  Fry. 
Free.  Pan. 
And how'st within?  Fry. 
Deep.  Pan. 
I mean, what weather is it there?  Fry. 
Hot.  Pan. 
What shadows the Brooks?  Fry. 
Groves.  Pan. 
Of what's the Colour of the Twigs?  Fry. 
Red.  Pan. 
And that of the Old?  Fry. 
Grace.  Pan. 
How are you when you shake?  Fry. 
Brisk.  Pan. 
How is their Motion.  Fry. 
Quick.  Pan. 
Would you have them Vault or Wriggle more.  Fry. 
Lesle.  Pan. 
What kind of Tools are yours?  Fry. 
Big.  Pan. 
And in their helves?  Fry. 
Round.  Pan. 
Of what Colour's the Tip?  Fry. 
Red.  Pan. 
When they've been used, how are they?  Fry. 
Shrunk.  Pan. 
How much weighs each Bag of Tools?  Fry. 
Pounds.  Pan. 
How hang your Pouches?  Fry. 
Tied.  Pan. 
How are they when you've done?  Fry. 
Lank.  Pan. 
Now, by the Oath you have taken, tell me, when you have a mind to Cohabit, how you throw 'em?  Fry. 
Down.  Pan. 
And what do they say then?  Fry. 
Fie.  Pan. 
However, like Maids, they say nay, and take it, and speak the less, but think the more; minding the work in hand, do they not?  Fry. 
True.  Pan. 
Do they get you Bairns?  Fry. 
None.  Pan. 
How do you pig together?  Fry. 
Bare.  Pan. 
Remember you're upon your Oath, and tell me justly, and bonâ fide; how many times o' day you Monk it?  Fry. 
Six.  Pan. 
How many bouts o' Night?  Fry. 
Ten.  
Cat so, quoth Friar John, the poor fornicating Brother's bashful, and sticks at Sixteen, as if that were his stint. Right, quoth Panurge, but couldst thou keep pace with him, Friar John, my dainty Cod? May the Devil's dam suck my Teat, if he does not look as if he had got a Blow over the Nose with a Naples Cowlstaff.  Pan. 
Pray, Friar Shakewell, does your whole Fraternity quaver and shake at that rate?  Fry. 
All.  Pan. 
Who of them is the best Cock o'the Game?  Fry. 
I.  Pan. 
Do you never commit dry Bobs, or Flashes in the Pan?  Fry. 
None.  Pan. 
I blush like any black Dog, and could be as testy as an old Cook, when I think on all this; it passes my Understanding. But, pray, when you have been pumped dry one day, what have you got the next?  Fry. 
More.  Pan. 
By Priapus, they have the Indian-herb, of which Theophrastus spoke, or I'm much out. But harkee me, thou Man of Brevity, should some Impediment honestly, or otherwise, impair your Talents, and cause your Benevolence to lessen, how would it far with you then?  Fry. 
iii.  Pan. 
What would the Wenches do?  Fry. 
Rail.  Pan. 
What if you skipped, and let 'em fast a whole day?  Fry. 
Worse.  Pan. 
What do you give 'em then?  Fry. 
Thwacks.  Pan. 
What do they say to this?  Fry. 
Bawl.  Pan. 
And what else?  Fry. 
Curse.  Pan. 
How do you correct 'em?  Fry. 
Hard.  Pan. 
What do you get out of 'em then?  Fry. 
Blood.  Pan. 
How's their Complexion then?  Fry. 
Odd.  Pan. 
What do they mend it with?  Fry. 
Paint.  Pan. 
Then; what do they do?  Fry. 
Fawn.  Pan. 
By the Oath you have taken, tell me truly, what time of the year do you do it least in?  Fry. 
Now 
* August. .  Pan. 
What season do you do it best in?  Fry. 
March.  Pan. 
How is your performance the rest of the Year.  Fry. 
Brisk.  
Then, quoth Panurge sneering, Of all, and of all commend me to Ball, this is the Friar of the World, for my Money; you've heard how short, concise, and compendious he is in his Answers? Nothing is to be got out of him but Monosyllables; by Jingo, I believe he would make three bits of a Cherry.  
Damn him, cried Friar John, that's as true as I am his Uncle, the Dog yelps at another gat's rate when he is among his Bitch's; there he is Polisyllable enough, my Life for yours; you talk of making three bits of a Cherry! God send Fools more Wit, and us more Money; May I be doomed to fast a whole Day, if I done't verily believe he would not make above two bits of a Shoulder of Mutton, and one swoop of a whole Pottle of Wine; zounds do but see how down o'the mouth the Cur looks? He's nothing but Skin and Bones; he has pissed his Tallow.  
Truly, truly, quoth Epistemon, this Rascally Monastical Vermin all over the World mind nothing but their Gut, and are as ravenous as any Kites, and then forsooth, they tell us they've nothing but Food and Raiment in this World; ' 'sdeath, what more have Kings and Princes?   

CHAP. XXIX. How Epistemon disliked the Institution of Lent.  
PRay did you observe, continued Epistemon, how this damned ill-favoured Semiquaver mentioned March as the best Month for Caterwauling. True, said Pantagruel, yet Lent and March always go together; and the first was instituted to macerate and bring down our pampered Flesh, to weaken and subdue its Lusts, and curb and assuage the Venereal rage.  
By this, said Epistemon, you may guests what kind of a Pope it was, who first enjoined it to be kept; since this filthy wooden-shooed Semiquaver owns that his Spoon is never oftener or deeper in the Porringer of Lechery than in Lent; add to this, the evident Reasons given by all Good and Learned Physicians, affirming, That throughout the whole Year no Food is eaten, that can prompt Mankind to lascivious Acts, more than at that time.  
As for Example, Beans, Pease, Phasels or Long-peason, Ciches, Onions, Nuts, Oysters, Herrings, Saltmeats, Garum, (a kind of Anchovy) and Salads, wholly made up of venereous Herbs and Fruits, as 

Rocket,  
Nose-smart,  
Taragon,  
Cresses,  
Parsley,  
Rampions,  
Poppy,  
Sellery,  
Hop-buds,  
Figs,  
Rice,  
Raisins, and others,    
'Twould not a little surprise you, said Pantagruel, should a Man tell you, That the Good Pope, who first ordered the keeping of Lent, perceiving that at that time o' year the Natural heat (from the Centre of the Body, whither it was retired, during the Winter's Cold) diffuses itself as the Sap does in Trees, through the Circumference of the Members, did therefore in a manner prescribe that sort of Diet to forward the Propagation of Mankind. What makes me think so, is, that by the Registers of Christen at Tovars, it appears that more Children are born in October and November, than in the other ten months of the Year, and reckoning backwards, 'twill be easily found that they were all made, conceived, and begotten in Lent.  
I listen to you with both my Ears, quoth Friar John, and that with no small pleasure I'll assure you. But I must tell you, that the Vicar of Jambée ascribed this copious Prolification of the Women, not to that sort of Food that we chiefly eat in Lent, but to the little licenced stooping Mumpers, your little booted Lent-Preachers, your little draggle-taild Father Confessors; who, during all that time of their Reign, damn all Husbands, that run astray, three Fathom and a half below the very lowest Pit of Hell. So the silly Cods-headed Brothers of the Noose, dare not then stumble any more at the Truckle-bed, to the no small discomfort of their Maids, and are even forced, poor Souls! to take up with their own bodily Wives. Dixi, I have done,  
You may descant on the Institution of Lent as much as you please, cried Epistemon; So many Men, so many Minds: But certainly all the Physicians will be against its being suppressed, though I think that time is at hand, I know they will, and have heard 'em say, Were it not for Lent, their Art would soon fall into Contempt, and they'd get nothing, for hardly any Body would be sick.  
All Distempers are sowed in Lent; 'tis the true Seminary and native Bed of all Diseases; nor does it only weaken and putrify Bodies, but it also makes Souls mad and uneasy. For then the Devils do their best, and drive a subtle Trade, and the Tribe of canting Dissemblers come out of their holes. 'Tis then Termtime with your cucullated Pieces of Formality, that have one Face to God, and another to the Devil; and a wretched clutter they make with their Sessions, Stations, Pardons, Syntereses, Confessions, Whipping, Anathematizations, and much Prayer, with as little Devotion. However, I'll not offer to infer from this, that the Arimaspians are better than we are in that Point; yet I speak to the purpose.  
Well, quoth Panurge, to the Semiquaver Friar, who happened to be by, Dear bombasting, shaking, trilling, quavering Cod, what think'st thou of this Fellow, is he a rank Heretic?  Fry. 
Much.  Pan. 
Ought he not to be singed?  Fry. 
Well.  Pan. 
As soon as may be?  Fry. 
Right.  Pan. 
Should not he be scalded first?  Fry. 
No.  Pan. 
How then should he be roasted?  Fry. 
Quick.  Pan. 
Till at last he be?  Fry. 
Dead.  Pan. 
What has he made you?  Fry. 
Mad.  Pan. 
What d'ye take him to be?  Fry. 
Damned.  Pan. 
What place is he to go to?  Fry. 
Hell.  Pan. 
But first, how would you have 'em served here?  Fry. 
Burnt.  Pan. 
Some have been served so?  Fry. 
Store,  Pan. 
That were Heretics.  Fry. 
Lesle.  Pan. 
And the number of those that are t● be warmed thus hereafter is?  Fry. 
Great.  Pan. 
How many of 'em d'ye intent to save?  Fry. 
None.  Pan. 
So you'd have them burnt?  Fry. 
All.  
I wonder, said Epistemon to Panurge, what pleasure you can find in talking thus with this lousy Tatterdemalion of a Monk; I vow, did not I know you well, I might be ready to think you had no more wit in your head, than he has in both his shoulders. Come, come, scatter no words, returned Panurge, every one as they like, as the Woman said when she kissed her Cow; I wish I might carry him to Gargantua; when I'm married he might be my Wife's Fool. And make you one, cried Epistemon. Well said, quoth Friar John, now, poor Panurge, take that along with thee, thou'rt even fitted; 'tis a plain case, thou'lt never scape wearing the Bull's Feather; thy Wife will be as common as the highway, that's certain.   

CHAP. XXX. How we came to the Land of Satin.  
HAving pleased ourselves with observing that new Order of Semiquaver Friars, we set Sail, and in three days our Skippermade the finest and most delightful Island that ever was seen; he called it the Island of Freeze; for, all the ways were of Freeze.  
In that Island is the Land of Satin, so celebrated by our Court Pages. Its Trees and Shrubs never lose their Leaves or Flowers, and are all Damask and flowered Velvet: As for the Beasts and Birds, they are all of Tapestry-work. There we saw many Beasts, Birds and Trees of the same Colour, Bigness and Shape of those in our Country, with this difference, however, that these did eat nothing, and never sung, or bit like ours; and we also saw there many sorts of Creatures which we had never seen before.  
Among the rest, several Elephants in various Postures; twelve of which were the six Males and six Females that were brought to Rome by their Governor in the Time of Germanicus, Tiberius' Nephew; some of them were Learned Elephants, some Musicians, others Philosophers, Dancers, and Showers of Tricks, and all sat down at Table in good Order, silently eating and drinking like so many Fathers in a Fratry-room.  
With their Snouts or Proboscis' some two Cubits long, they draw up water for their own drinking, and take hold of Palm Leaves, Plumbs, and all manner of Edibles, using them offensively or defensively, as we do our Fists; with them tossing men high into the Air in Fight, and making them burst out with laughing when they come to the ground.  
They have Joints, whatever some men, who doubtless never saw any but Painted, may have written to the contrary. Between their Teeth they have two huge Horns; thus Juba called 'em, and Pausanias tells us, they are no Teeth, but Horns: However, Philostratus will have 'em to be Teeth, and not Horns. 'Tis all one to me, provided you will be pleased to own them to be true Ivory. These are some three or four Cubits long, and are fixed in the upper Jawbone, and consequently not in the lowermost. If you harken to those who will tell you the contrary, you'll find yourselves damnably mistaken, for that's a Lie with a Latchet: Tho 'twere Aelia● that Long-Bow-man that told you so, never believe him, for he lies as fast as a Dog can troth. 'Twas in this very Island that Pliny, his Brother tell-truth, had seen some Elephants dance on the Rope with Bells, and whip over the Tables, Presto, be gone, while people were at Feasts, without so much as touching the Toping Topers, or the Topers toping.  
I saw a Rhinoceros there, just such a one as Harry Clerberg had formerly showed me; methought it was not much unlike a certain Boar which I had formerly seen at Lymoges, except the sharp Horn on its Snout, that was about a Cubit long; by the means of which that Animal dares encounter with an Elephant, that is sometimes killed with its Point thrust into its Belly, which is its most tender and defenceless part.  
I saw there two and thirty Unicorns; they are a cursed sort of Creatures, much resembling a fine Horse, unless it be that their Heads are like a Stags, their Feet like an Elephants, their Tails like a wild Boar's, and out of each of their Foreheads sprouts out a sharp black Horn, some six or seven Foot long; commonly it dangles down like a Turkey-Cock's Comb. When an Unicorn has a mind to fight, or put it to any other use, what does it do but make it stand, and then 'tis as strait as an Arrow.  
I saw one of them, which was attended with a Throng of other wild Beasts, purify a Fountain with its Horn. With that Panurge told me, that his Prancer, alias his Nimble-Wimble, was like the Unicorn, not altogether in length indeed, but in Virtue and propriety: For as the Unicorn purified Pools and Fountains from Filth and Venom, so that other Animals came and drank securely there afterwards; In the like manner, others might water their Nags, and dabble after him without fear of Shankers, Carnosities, Gonorrhaea's, Buboes, Crinckams, and such other Plagues caught by those who venture to quench their Amorous Thirst in a common Puddle; for with his Nervous Horn he removed all the Infection that might be lurking in some blind Cranny of the Mepbitic sweet-scented Hole.  
Well, quoth Friar John, when you are Sped, that is, when you are Married, we'll make a Trial of this on thy Spouse, merely for Charity-sake, since you are pleased to give us so beneficial an Instruction.  
Ay, ay, returned Panurge, and then immediately I'll give you a pretty gentle Agregative Pill of God made up of two and twenty kind Stabs with a Dagger, after the Cesarian way. Cat ' so, cried Friar John, I had rather take off a Bumper of good cool Wine.  
I saw there the golden Fleece, formerly conquered by Jason, and can assure you on the word of an honest man, that those who have said it was not a Fleece, but a golden Pippin, because 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 signifies both an Apple and a Sheep, were utterly mistaken.  
I saw also a Chameleon, such as Aristotle describes it, and like that which had been formerly showed me by Charles Maris a famous Physician of the noble City of Irons on the Rosne; and the said Chameleon lived on air just as the other did.  
I saw three Hydra's, like those I had formerly seen. They are a kind of a Serpent, with seven different Heads.  
I saw also fourteen Phoenixes. I had read in many Authors that there was but one in the whole World in every Century; but if I may presume to speak my mind, I declare, that those who said this, had never seen any, unless it were in the land of Tapestry; though 'twere vouched by Claudian or Lactantius Firmianus.  
I saw the Skin of Apuleius' golden Ass.  
I saw three hundred and nine Pelicans.  
Item, Six thousand and sixteen Seleucid Birds marching in Battalia, and picking up straggling Grasshoppers in Cornfields.  
Item, Some Cynamologi, Argatiles, Caprimulgi, Thynnunculs, Onocrotals, or Bitterns, with their wide Swallows, Stymphalideses, Harpies, Panthers, Dorcas' or Bucks, Cemas', Cynocephalis', Satyrs, Cartasons, Tarands, Uri, Monops', or Bonasi, Neades, Stera's, Marmosets, or Monkeys, Bugles, Musimons, Byturos', Ophyri, Scriech Owls, Goblins, Fairies, and Gryphins.  
I saw Mid-Lent o' horseback, with Mid-August and Mid-March holding its Stirrups.  
I saw some Mankind-Wolves, Centaurs, Tigers, Leopards, Hyena's, Camelopardals, and Orix's or huge wild Goats with sharp Horns.  
I saw a Remora, a little Fish called Echineis by the Greeks, and near it a tall Ship, that did not get o' head an inch, though she was in the Offin with Top and Top-gallants spread before the Wind; I am somewhat inclined to believe, that 'twas the very numerical Ship in which Periander the Tyrant happened to be when it was stopped by such a little Fish in spite of Wind and Tide. 'Twas in this Land of Satin, and in no other, that Mutianus had seen one of them.  
Friar John told us, that in the days of Yore, two sorts of Fishes used to abound in our Courts of Judicature, and rotten the Bodies and tormented the Souls of those who were at Law, whether noble or of mean Descent, high or low, rich or poor: the first were your April Fish or Makerel, [Pimps, Panders and Bawds] the others your beneficial Remorae's, that is, the Eternity of Law-Suits, the needless Lets that keep 'em undecided.  
I saw some Sphynges, some Ralph's, some Oinces, and some Cepphi, whose fore-feets are like Hands, and their hind-feets like Man's.  
Aso some Crocuta's, and some Eales as big as Sea-horses, with Elephant's Tails, Boar's Jaws and Tusks, and Horns as pliant as an Asse's Ears.  
The Crocutas most fleet Animals, as big as our Asses of Mirebalais, have Necks, Tails and Breasts like a Lion's, Legs like a Stag's, have Mouths up to the Ears, and but two Teeth, one above, and one below; they speak with human Voices, but when they do, they say nothing.  
Some people say, that none e'er saw an Airy or Nest of Sakers; If you'll believe me, I saw no less than Eleven, and I'm sure I reckoned right.  
I saw some lefthanded Halberds, which were the first that I had ever seen.  
I saw some Menticores, a most strange sort of Creatures, which have the Body of a Lion, red Hair, a Face and Ears like a man's, three Rows of Teeth which close together, as if you joined your hands with your fingers between each other; they have a Sting in their Tails like a Scorpions, and a very melodious Voice.  
I saw some Catablepas', a sort of Serpents, whose Bodies are small, but their Heads large without any Proportion, so that they've much ado to lift them up; and their Eyes are so infectious, that whoever sees 'em, dies upon the spot, as if he had seen a Basilisk.  
I saw some Beasts with two Backs, and those seemed to me the merriest Creatures in the World; they were most nimble at wriggling the Buttocks, and more diligent in Tail wagging than any Water-wagtails, perpetually jogging and shaking their double Rumps.  
I saw there some milched Craw-fish, Creatures that I never had heard of before in my Life; and these moved in very good order, and 'twould have done your heart good to have seen 'em.   

CHAP. XXXI. How in the Land of Satin we saw Hear-say who kept a School of Vouching.  
WE went a little higher up into the Country of Tapestry, and saw the Mediterranean Sea opened to the Right and left down to the very bottom, just as the Red-Sea very fairly left its bed at the Arabian Gulf, to make a Lane for the Jews, when they left Egypt.  
There I found Triton winding his silver Shell instead of a Horn, and also Glaucus, Proteus, Nereus, and a thousand other Godlings and Sea-monsters.  
I also saw an infinite number of Fish of all kinds, dancing, flying, vaulting, fight, eating, breathing, billing, shoving, milting, spawning, hunting, fishing, skirmishing, lying in Ambuscado, making Truces, cheapening, bargaining, swearing and sporting.  
In a blind Corner we saw Aristotle holding a Lantern in the Posture in which the Hermit uses to be drawn near St. Christopher, watching, prying, thinking, and setting every thing down.  
Behind him stood a Pack of other Philosophers, like so many Bums by a Head-Bailiff; as Appian, Heliodorus, Athenaeus, Porphyrius, Pancrates, Arcadian, Numenius, Possidonius, Ovid, Opianus, Olympius, Selenus, Leonides, Agathocles, Theophrastus, Demostratus, Metianus, Nymphodorus, Aelian, and five hundred other such plodding Dons, who were full of business yet had little to do; like Chryfippus or Aristarchus of Soli, who for eight and fifty years together did nothing in the world but examine the state and concerns of Bees.  
I spied Peter giles among these, with an Urinal in his hand, narrowly watching the water of those goodly Fishes.  
When we had long beheld every thing in this Land of Satin, Pantagruel said, I have sufficiently fed my Eyes, but my Belly is empty all this while, and chimes to let me know 'tis time to go to dinner; Let's take care of the Body, left the Soul abdicate it; and to this effect, let's taste some of these 
* An Herb, the touching of which is said to reconcile Lovers.  Anacampserotes that hang over our heads. Pshaw, cried one, they are mere Trash, stark naught o' my word, they're good for nothing.  
I than went to pluck some Mirabolans off of a Piece of Tapestry whereon they hanged, but the Devil a bit I could chew or swallow 'em, and had you had them betwixt your Teeth, you would have sworn they had been thrown Silk, there was no manner of savour in 'em.  
One might be apt to think Heliogabalus had taken a Hint from thence, to feast those whom he had caused to fast a long time, promising them a sumptuous, plentiful and imperial Feast after it: For all the Treat used to amount to no more than several sorts of Meat in Wax, Marble, Earthenware, painted and figured Table-Cloths.  
While we were looking up and down to find some more substantial Food, we heard a loud various noise, like that of Paper-mills; so with all speed we went to the place whence the noise came, where we found a diminutive, monstrous, misshapen, old Fellow, called Hear-say; his Mouth was slit up to his Ears, and in it were seven Tongues, each of 'em cleft into seven parts. However, he chattered, tattled and prated with all the seven at once, of different Matters, and in divers Languages.  
He had as many Ears allover his head and the rest of his body, as Argus formerly had Eyes; and was as blind as a Beetle, and had the Palsy in his Legs.  
About him stood an innumerable number of men and women, gaping, listening, and hearing very intensely; among 'em I observed some who strutted like Crows in a Gutter, and principally a very handsome bodied man in the Face, who held then a Map of the World, and with little Aphorisms compendiously explained every thing to 'em; so that those men of happy Memories grew learned in a Trice, and would most fluently talk with you of a world of prodigious Things; the hundredth part of which would take up a man's whole Life to be fully known.  
Among the rest, they descanted with great Prolixity on the Pyramids and Hieroglyphics of Egypt, of the Nile, of Babylon, of the Troglodytes, the Hymantopodes or Crumpfooted Nation, the Blaemiaes People that wear their Heads in the middle of their Breasts, the Pigmies, the Cannibals, the Hyperborei and their Mountains, the Aegypanes with their Goat's-feets, and the Devil and all of others: Every individual word of it by Hear-say.  
I am much mistaken if I did not see among them Herodotus, Pliny, Solinus, Berofus, Philostratus, Pomponius Mela, Strabo, and God knows how many other Antiquaries.  
Then Albert the great Jacobin-Fryar, Peter Tesmoin alias Witness, Pope Pius the Second, Volaterran, Paulius Jovus the Valiant, Jemmy Cartier, Chaton the Armenian, Marco Paulo the Venetian, Ludovico Romano, Pedro Aliares, and forty Cart-loads of other modern Historians, lurking behind a piece of Tapestry where they were at it dingdong, privately scribbling the Lord knows what, and making rare work on't, and all by Hear-say.  
Behind another piece of Tapestry on which Naboths and Susanna's Accusers were fairly represented, I saw close by Hear-say, good store of men of the Country of Perche and Maine, notable Students, and young enough.  
I asked what sort of study they applied themselves to? and was told, that from their youth they learned to be Evidences, Affidavit-men and Vouchers; and were instructed in the Art of Swearing; in which they soon became such Proficients, that, when they left that Country, and went back into their own, they set up for themselves, and very honestly lived by their Trade of Evidencing. Positively giving their Testimony of all things whatsoever to those who feed them most roundly to do a Job of Journey work for them; and all this by Hear-say.  
You may think what you will of it, but I can assure you, they gave some of us Corners of their Cakes, and we merrily helped to empty their Hogsheads. Then in a friendly manner they advised us to be as sparing of Truth as possibly we could, if ever we had 〈◊〉 mind to get Court-preferment.   

CHAP. XXXII. How we came in sight of Lanternland.  
HAving been but scurvily entertained in the Land of Satin, we went o' board, and having set Sail, in four days came near the Coast of Lanternland. We than saw certain little hover Fires on the Sea.  
For my part I did not take them to be Lanterns, but rather thought they were Fishes, which lolled their flaming Tongues on the surface of the Sea, or Lampyris', which some call Cicindela's or Glow-worm's, shining there as ripe Barley does o' nights in my Country.  
But the Skipper satisfied us that they were the Lanterns of the Watch, or more properly Light-houses, set up in many places round the Precinct of the Place to discover the Land, and for the safe Piloting in of some outlandish Lanterns, which like good Franciscan and Jacobin Friars, were coming to make their personal Appearance at the Provincial Chapter.  
However, some of us were somewhat suspicious that these Fires were the forerunners of some Storm; but the Skipper assured us again, they were not.   

CHAP. XXXIII. How we Landed at the Port of the Lychnobii, and came to Lanternland.  
SOon after we arrived at the Port of Lanternland, where Pantagruel discovered on a high Tower, the Lantern of Rochel, that stood us in good stead, for it casted a great light. We also saw the Lantern of Pharos, that of Nauplion, and that of Acropolis, at Athens, sacred to Pallas.  
Near the Port, there's a little Hamlet inhabited by the Lychnobii, that live by Lanterns, as the gulligutted Friars in our Country live by Nuns: They are studious People, and as honest Men as ever shit in a Trumpet. Demosthenes had formerly lanternised there.  
We were conducted from that place to the Palace by three 
* A kind of Beacons.  Obeliscolichnies, Military-Guards of the Port, with high-crowned Hats, whom we acquainted with the cause of our Voyage, and our Design, which was to desire the Queen of the Country to grant us a Lantern to light and conduct us, during our Voyage to the Oracle of the Holy Bottle.  
They promised to assist us in this, and added, that we could never have come in a better time, for then the Lanterns held their Provincial Chapter.  
When we came to the Royal Palace, we had Audience of her Highness, the Queen of Lanternland, being introduced by two Lanterns of Honour, that of Aristophanes, and that of Cleanthes, Mistresses of the Ceremonies. Panurge in few words acquainted her with the Causes of our Voyage, and she received us with great Demonstrations of Friendship, desiring us to come to her at Suppertime, that we might more easily make choice of one to be our guide, which pleased us extremely. We did not fail to observe intensely every thing we could see, as the Garbs, Motions, and Deportment of the Queen's subjects, principally the manner after which she was served.  
The bright Queen was dressed in Virgin Crystal of Tutia, wrought Damask-wife and beset with large Diamonds.  
The Lanterns of the Royal Blood, were clad partly with Bastard-diamonds, partly with Diaphanous Stones, the rest with Horn, Paper, and Oyl'd-cloath.  
The Cresset-lights took place according to the Antiquity and Lustre of their Families.  
An Earthen-dark-lantern shaped like a Pot, notwithstanding this, took place of some of the first Quality, at which I wondered much, till I was told, it was that of Epictetus, for which three thousand Drachmas had been formerly refused.  
martials 
* A Lamp with many Wicks, or a Branched Candlestick with many Springs coming out of it, that supply all the Branches with Oil.  Polymix Lantern made a very good Figure there: I took particular notice of its Dress, and more yet of the Lychnosanity, formerly consecrated by Canopa the Daughter Tisias.  
I saw the Lantern Pensile formerly taken out of the Temple of Apollo Palatinus at Thebes, by Alexander the Great.  
I saw another that distinguished itself from the rest by a Bushy Tuft of Crimson Silk on its Head. I was told, 'twas that of Bartolus, the Lantern of the Civilians.  
Two others were very remarkable for Glister-pouches that dangled at their waste. We were told, that one was the Greater Light, and the other the Lesser Light of the Pothecaries.  
When 'twas Suppertime, the Queen's Highness first sat down, and then the Lady-lanterns according to their Rank and Dignity.  
For the first Course, they were all served with large Christmas-Candles, except the Queen, who was served with a hugeous thick, stiff flaming Taper, of white Wax, somewhat red towards the Tip, and the Royal Family, as also the Provincial Lantern of Mirebalais, who were served with Nut-lights; and the Provincial of Lower Poitou, with an armed Candle.  
After that, god-wot, what a glorious Light they gave with their wicks: I do not say all, for you must except a parcel of Junior Lanterns, under the Government of a high and mighty one. These did not cast a Light like the rest, but seemed to me dimmer than any long-snuff-farthing Candle, whose Tallow has been half melted away in a Hothouse.  
After Supper we withdrew to take some Rest, and the next day the Queen made us choose one of the most Illustrious Lanterns to guide us; after which we took our leave.   

CHAP. XXXIV. How we arrived at the Oracle of the Bottle.  
OUR glorious Lantern lighting and directing us to heart's content, we at last arrived at the desired Island, where was the Oracle of the Bottle. As soon as Friend Panurge landed, he nimbly cut a Caper with one Leg for Joy, and cried to Pantagruel, Now we are where we have wished ourselves long ago. This is the place we've been seeking with such Toil and Labour. He then made a Compliment to our Lantern, who desired us to be of good Cheer, and not be daunted or dismayed whatever we might chance to see.  
To come to the Temple of the Holy Bottle, we were to go through a large Vine-yard in which were all sorts of Vines, as the Falernian, Malvesian, the Muscadine, those of Taige, Beaune, Mirevaux, Orleans, Picardent, Arbois, Coussi, Anjou, Grave, Corsica, Vierron, Nerac, and others. This Vine-yard was formerly planted by the good Bacchus, with so great a blessing, that it yields Leaves, Flowers, and Fruit all the Year round, like the Orange Trees at Surêne.  
Our magnificent Lantern ordered every one of us to eat three Grapes, to put some Vine-leaves in his Shoes, and take a Vine-branch in his left hand.  
At the end of the Close, we went under an Arch built after the manner of those of the Ancients. The Trophies of a Toper were curiously carved on it.  
First, On one side was to be seen a long Train of Flagons, Leathern Bottles, Flasks, Cans, Glass-bottles, Barrels, Nipperkins, Pint-pots, Quart-pots, Pottles, Gallons, and old fashioned Semaises [swingeing Wooden-pots, such as those out of which the Germans fill their Glasses] these hanged on a shady Arbour.  
On another side was store of Garlic, Onions, Shallots, Hams, Botargos, Caviar, Biscuits, Neat's Tongues, Old Cheese, and such like Comfits, very artificially interwoven and packed together with Vine-stocks.  
On another, were a hundred sorts of drinking Glasses, Cups, Cisterns, Ewers, False-Cups, Tumblers, Bowls, Mazer's, Mugs, Jugs, Goblets, Talboys, and such other Bacchie Artillery.  
On the Frontispiece of the Triumphal Arch, under the Zoophore, was the following Couplet.  
You, who presume to move this way,  
Get a good Lantern, lest you stray.  
We took special care of that, cried Pantagruel, when he had read them; for there is not a better, or a more Divine Lantern than ours in all Lanternland.  
This Arch ended at a fine large round Alley, covered over with the interlaid Branches of Vines, loaded and adorned with Clusters of five hundred different Colours, and of as many various Shapes, not natural but due to the skill of Agriculture, some were Golden, others Bluish, Tawny, Azure, White, Black, Green, Purple, streaked with many Colours, Long, Round, Triangular, Cod-like, Hairy, Great-headed, and Grassy. That pleasant Alley ended at three old Ivy-trees verdant, and all loaden with Rings. Our enlightened Lantern directed us to make ourselves Hats with some of their Leaves, and cover our Heads wholly with 'em, which was immediately done.  
Jupiter's Priestess, said Pantagruel, in former days, would not like us have walked under this Arbour. There was a Mystical Reason, answered our most perspicuous Lantern, that would have hindered her. For had she gone under it, the Wine, or the Grapes of which 'tis made, that's the same thing, had been over her head, and then she would have seemed overtopped and mastered by Wine. Which implies, that Priests, and all Persons who devote themselves to the Contemplation of Divine Things, aught to keep their minds sedate and calm, and avoid whatever might disturb and discompose their Tranquillity; which nothing is more apt to do than Drunkenness.  
You also, continued our Lantern, could not come into the Holy Bottle's presence, after you have gone through this Arch, did not the noble Priestess Bacbuc first see your Shoes full of Vine-leaves; which Action is diametrically opposite to the other, and signifies that you despise Wine, and having mastered it, as it were, tread it under foot.  
I am no Scholar, quoth Friar John, for which I'm heartily sorry; yet I find by my Breviary, that in the Revelation, a Woman was seen with the Moon under her Feet, which was a most wonderful sight. Now, as Bigot explained it to me, this was to signify, That she was not of the Nature of other Women, for they have all the Moon at their Heads, and consequently their Brains are always troubled with a Lunacy: This makes me willing to believe what you said, dear Madam Lantern.   

CHAP. XXXV. How we went under ground to come to the Temple of the Holy-Bottle; and how Chinon is the oldest City in the World.  
WE went under ground through a plastered Vault, on which was coursely painted a Dance of Women and Satyrs, waiting on old Silenus who was grinning o' Horseback on his Ass. This made me say to Pantagruel, that this Entry put me in mind of the Painted Cellar, in the oldest City of the World, where such Paintings are to be seen, and in as cool a place.  
Which is the oldest City in the World, asked Pantagruel? 'Tis Chinon, Sir, or Cainon in Touraine, said I. I know, returned Pantagruel, where Chinon lies, and the Painted Cellar also, having myself drunk there many a Glass of cool Wine; neither do I doubt but that Chinon is an Ancient Town. Witness its Blazon; I own 'tis said twice or thrice, 

Chinon,  
Petite Ville, grand Renom,  
Assize sur pierre ancienne:  
Au haut le bois, au pied la Vienne.   

Chinon,  
Little Town,  
Great Renown,  
On old Stone  
Long has stood:  
There's the Vienne, if you look down,  
If you look up, there's the Wood   But how, continued he, can you make it out that 'tis the oldest Town in the World? where did you find this written? I have found in the Sacred Writ, said I, that Cain was the First that built a Town; we may then reasonably conjecture that from his Name he gave it that of Cainon. Thus, after his Example, most other Founders of Towns have given them their Names; Athena, that's Minerva in Greek, to Athen●, Alexander to Alexandria; Constantine to Constantinople; Pompey to Pompeiopolis in Cilicis; Adrian to Adrianople; Canaan to the Canaanites; Saba to the Sabaeans; Assur to the Assyrians; and so Ptolemais, Caesarea, Tiberias, and Herodium in Judea got their Names.  
While we were thus talking, there came to us the great Flask whom our Lantern called the Philosopher, her Holiness the Bottle's Governor. He was attended with a Troop of the Temple-Guards all French Bottles in Wicker-Armour, and seeing us with our Javelins wrapped with Ivy, with our Illustrious Lantern, whom he knew, he desired us to come in with all manner of safety, and ordered we should be immediately conducted to the Princess Bacbuc, the Bottle's Lady of Honour, and Priestess of all the Mysteries; which was done.   

CHAP. XXXVI. How we went down the Tetradic Steps, and of Panurge's Fear.  
WE went down one Marble Step under ground where there was a resting, or (as our Workmen call it) a landing-place; then turning to the left we went down two other Steps, where there was another restingplace; after that we came to three other Steps turning about, and met a third; and the like at four Steps which we met afterwards. There, quoth Panurge, Is it here? how many Steps have you told, asked our Magnificent Lantern? One, two, three, four, answered Pantagruel. How much is that, asked she? Ten, returned he. Multiply that, said she, according to the same Pythagorical Tetrad? That's ten, twenty, thirty, forty, cried Pantagruel. How much is the whole, said she? one hundred, answered Pantagruel. Add, continued she, the first Cube, that's eight; at the end 〈◊〉 that fatal Number you'll find the Temple-gate; and pray observe, this is the 〈◊〉 Psychogony of Plato, so celebrated by the Academics, yet so little understood; ●●●moiety of which consists of the unity of the two first Numbers full of two Square and two Cubic Numbers. We than went down those Numeral Stairs all underground, and I can assure you in the first place, that our Legs stood us in good stead; for had 〈◊〉 not been for 'em, we had rolled just like so many Hogsheads into a Vault. Secondly, our Radiant Lantern gave us just 〈◊〉 much light as is in St. Patrick's Hole in Ireland, or Trophonius' Pit in Boeotia; which caused Panurge to say to her, after we were got down some seventy eight Steps;  
Dear Madam, with a sorrowful a king heart, I most humbly beseech your Lanternship to lead us back. May I be led 〈◊〉 Hell if I be not half dead with fear, my Heart's sunk down into my Hose; I am afraid I shall make buttered Eggs in my Breeches. I freely consent never to many. You have given you self too much trouble on my account; the Lord shall reward yo● in his great Rewarder, neither will I be ungrateful when I come out of this Cave o● Troglodytes. Let's go back, I pray you▪ I'm very much afraid this is Taenarus, the Low-way to Hell, and methinks I already hear Cerberus' bark. Hark! I hear the Cur, or my Ears tingle; I have no manner of kindness for the Dog; for there never is a greater Toothache, then when Dogs by't us by the Shins: and if this be only Trophonius' Pit, the Lemures, Hobthrushes and Goblins will certainly swallow us alive, just as they devoured formerly one of Demetrius' Halbardeer for want of Bridles. Art thou here, Friar John? Prithee, dear, dear Cod, stay by me, I'm almost dead with fear; hast thou got thy Bilbo? ●as poor Peelgarlick's defenceless, I'm a naked man thou knowst; Let's go back. ●oons, fear nothing, cried Friar John, I'm by thee, and have thee fast by the Collar, Eighteen Devils shan't get thee out of my Clutches, though I were unarmed. Never did a man yet want Weapons who had a good Arm with as stout a heart; Heaven would sooner send down a shower of them; even as in Provence, in the Fields of la Craved, near Mariane, there reigned Stones (they are there to this day) to help Hercules, who otherwise wanted wherewithal to fight Neptune's two Bastards. But whither are we bound? are we a going to the little Child's Limbo? By Pluto, they'll bepawh, and conskite us all; or are we going to Hell for Orders? By Cob's Body, I'll hamper, bethwack and belabour all the Devils, now I have some Vine-leaves in my Shoes. Thou shalt see me lay about me like mad, old Boy. Which way? where the Devil are they? I fear nothing but their damned Horns; but Cuckoldy Panurge's Bulls Feather will altogether secure me from 'em.  
Lo! In a Prophetic Spirit I already see him, like another Actaeon, horned, horny, hornified. Prithee, quoth Panurge, take heed thyself, dear Frater, lest, till Monks have leave to marry, thou wedst's something thou dostned like, as some Cat o'nine Tails, or the Quartan Ague; if thou dost, may I never come safe and sound out of this Hypogeum, this Subterranean Cave, if I done't tup and ram that Disease merely for the sake of making thee a cornuted, corniferous Property, otherwise I fancy the Quartan Ague is but an indifferent Bed-fellow. I remember Gripe-men-all threatened to wed thee to some such thing, for which thou callst him Heretic.  
Here our Splendid Lantern interrupted them, letting us know this was the Place where we were to have a taste of the Creature, and be silent; bidding us not despair of having the Word of the Bottle before we went back, since we had lined our Shoes with Vine leaves.  
Come on, then cried Panurge, let's charge through and through all the Devils of Hell; we can but perish, and that's soon done: However, I thought to have reserved my Life for some mighty Battle. Move, move, move forwards. I am as stout as Hercules, my Breeches are full of Courage; my heart trembles a little, I own; but that's only an effect of the coldness and dampness of this Vault; 'tis neither Fear nor an Ague, Come on, move on, piss, pish, push on. My name's William Dreadnought.   

CHAP. XXXVII. How the Temple Gates in a wonderful manner opened of themselves.  
AFter we were got down the Steps we came to a Portal of fine Jasper of Doric Order, on whose front we read this Sentence in the finest Gold, ENOINΩ AAH●EIA, that is, In Wine Truth. The Gates were of Corinthian-like Brass, Massy, wrought with little Vine-branches, finely inemalled and engraven, and were equally joined and closed together in their Mortaise without Padlock, Key-chain, or Tie whatsoever. Where they joined, there hanged an Indian Loadstone as big as an Egyptian Bean, set in Gold, having two Points, Hexagonal, in a right Line; and on each side towards the Wall hanged a handful of St●rdium [Garlic Germander.]  
There our Noble Lantern desired us not to take it amiss that she went no further with us, leaving us wholly to the Conduct of the Priestess Bacbuc; for she herself was not allowed to go in, for certain Causes rather to be concealed than revealed to Mortals. However, she advised us to be resolute and secure, and to trust to her for the Return. She than pulled the Loadstone that hanged at the folding of the Gates, and throwed it into a Silver Box fixed for that purpose; which done, from the Threshold of each Gate she drew a Twine of Crimson Silk about nine Foot long, by which the Scordium hanged, and having fastened it to two gold Buckles that hanged at the sides, she withdrew.  
Immediately the Gates flew open without being touched, not with a creaking, or loud harsh noise, like that made by heavy Brazen Gates, but with a soft pleasing Murmur that resounded through the Arches of the Temple.  
Pantagruel soon knew the cause of it, having discovered a small Cylinder or Rowler that joined the Gates over the Threshold, and, turning like them towards the Wall on a hard well-pollished Ophits Stone, with rubbing and rolling, caused that harmonious Murmur.  
I wondered how the Gates thus opened of themselves to the right and left, and after we were all got in, I cast my Eye between the Gates and the Wall, to endeavour to know how this happened; for one would have thought our kind Lantern had put between the Gates the Herb Aethi●●●s, which they say opens some things that are shut; but I perceived that the Parts of the Gates that joined on the inside were covered with Steel; and just where the said Gates touched when they were opened, I saw two square Indian Lodestones, of a bluish Hue, well polished, and half a Span-broad, mortaised in the Temple-wall. Now, by the hidden and admirable Power of the Lodestones, the Steel Plates were put into motion, and consequently the Gates were slowly drawn. However, not always, but when the said Loadstone on the outside was removed, 〈◊〉 which the Steel was freed from its ●ow'r, the two Bunches of Scordium being 〈◊〉 the same time put at some distance, because it deadens the Magnes, and robs it of 〈◊〉 attractive Virtue.  
On the Loadstone that was placed on the ●ight side, the following jambic Verse was ●●●ously engraven in Ancient Roman Characters.  

Ducunt volentem fata, nolentem trabunt.   

Fate leads the willing, and th' unwilling draws.   
The following Sentence was neatly 〈◊〉 in the Loadstone, that was on the left.  ALL THINGS TEND TO THEIR END.  

CHAP. XXXVIII. Of the Temple's admirable Pavement▪  
WHen I had read those Inscription I admired the Beauty of the Tem●ple, and particularly the Disposition of i● Pavement, with which no Work that 〈◊〉 now, or has been under the Cope of Heaven can justly be compared; not that the Temple of Fortune at Praeneste in Sy● Time; or the Pavement of the Gr●●● called Alerotum, laid by Sosistratus at P●●mus. For this here was wholly in Compartments of precious Stones, all in the Natural Colours: One of Red Jasper, 〈◊〉 charmingly spotted. Another of Op● A third of Porphyry. A fourth of Lyco●my, a Stone of four different Colo● powdered with sparks of Gold, as 〈◊〉 as Atoms. A fifth of Agath, strea● here and there with small Milk-colo● Waves. A sixth of costly Chalcedony, 〈◊〉 Onyx Stone. And another of Green Jas● with certain red and yellowish Ve● ●d all these were disposed in a Diagonal ●ine.  
At the Portico, some small Stones were ●laid, and evenly joined on the Floor, all 〈◊〉 their ●ative Colours, to embellish the Design of the Figures, and they were ordered in such a manner, that you would ●ave thought some Vine-leaves and Bran●es had been carelessly strowed on the ●vement: For in some place they were ●ick, and thin in others: That Inlaying was very wonderful every where; here, ●e seen, as it were in the Shade, some ●ils crawling on the Grapes; there, lit● Lizards running on the Branches; 〈◊〉 this side, were Grapes that seemed yet ●nish; on another, some Clusters that ●'d full ripe, so like the true, that ●y could as easily have deceived Starlings, 〈◊〉 other Birds, as those which Zeuxis ●ew.  
Nay, we ourselves were deceived; for ●here the Artist seemed to have strowed 〈◊〉 Vine-branches thickest, we could not ●ear walking with great Strides, lest ●e should entangle our Feet, just as People ●over an unequal Stony place.  
I than cast my Eyes on the Roof and ●alls of the Temple, that were all par●tted with Porphyry and Mosaic Work; which from the left side at the coming in, ●st admirably represented the Battle, in which the Good Bacchus overthrew the Indians; as followeth,   

CHAP. XXXIX. How we saw Bacchus' Army drawn up in Battalia in Mosaic Work.  
AT the beginning, divers Towns, Hamlets, Castles, Fortresses, and Forests were seen in Flames; and several mad and loose Women, who furiously ripped up, and tore live Calves, Sheep, and Lambs, Limb from Limb, and devoured their Flesh. There we learned how Bacchus, at his coming into India, destroyed all things with Fire and Sword.  
Notwithstanding this, he was so despised by the Indians, that they did not think it worth their while to stop his Progress, having been certainly informed by their Spies, that his Camp was destitute of Warriors, and that he had only with hi● a Crew of Drunken Females, a low- 〈◊〉 old, effeminate, sottish Fellow, continually raddled, and as drunk as a Wheel-barrow with a pack of young Clownish Doddipoles, stark naked, always skipping and frisking up and down, with Tails and Horns like those of young Kids.  
For this Reason the Indians had resolved to let them go through their Country without the least Opposition, esteeming a Victory over such Enemies more dishonourable than glorious.  
In the mean time, Bacchus marched on burning every thing; for, as you know, Fire and Thunder are his Paternal Arms; Jupiter having saluted his Mother Semele with his Thunder; so that his Maternal House was ruined by Fire. Bacchus also caused a great deal of Blood to be spilt; which when he is roused and angered, principally in War, is as natural to him, as to make some in time of Peace.  
Thus the Plains of the Island of Samos, are called Paneca, which signifies Bloody, because Bacchus there overtook the Ama●●s, who fled from the Country of Ephes●●, and there let 'em Blood, so that they all died of Phlebotomy. This may give you a better insight into the meaning of an Ancient Proverb, than Aristotle does in his Problems; viz. Why 'twas formerly said, Neither eat nor sow any Mint in time of War. The reason is, That Blows are given then without any distinction of Parts or Persons, and if a Man that's wounded, has that day handled or eaten any Mint, ●is impossible, or at least very hard to staunch his Blood.  
After this, Bacchus was seen marching in Battalia, riding in a stately Chariot, drawn by six young Leopards; he looked as young as a Child, to show that all good Topers never grow old; he was as red as a Cherry, or a Cherub, which you please; and had no more Hair on his Chin, than there's in the inside of my Hand; his Forehead was graced with pointed Horns, above which, he wore a fine Crown or Garland of Vine-leaves and Grapes, and a Mitre of Crimson Velvet; having also gilt Buskins on.  
He had not one Man with him, that looked like a Man; his Guards, and all his Forces consisted wholly of Bassarid●s, Evantes, Euhyades, Edonides, Trietheride●, Ogygiae, Mimallonides, Maenades, Thyiades, and Bacchaes; frantic, raving, raging, furious, mad Women, begirt with live Snakes and Serpents, instead of Girdles, dischevelled, their Hair flowing about their Shoulders, with Garlands of Vine-branches instead of Forehead-cloaths, Clad with Stags or Goat's Skins, and armed with Torches, Javelins, Spears, and Halberds, whose ends were like Pine-apples; besides they had certain small light Bucklers, that gave a loud sound if you touched 'em never so little, and these served them instead of Drums: They were just Seventy nine thousand two hundred twenty seven.  
Silenus, who led the Van, was one on whom Bacchus relied very much, having formerly had many proofs of his Valour and Conduct; he was a diminutive, stooping, palsied, plump, gorbellied, old Fellow, with a swingeing pair of stiff-standing Lugs of his own, a sharp Roman Nose, large, rough Eyebrows, mounted on a well-hung Ass; in his Fist he held a Staff to lean upon, and also bravely to Fight, whenever he had occasion to alight; and he was dressed in a Woman's yellow Gown. His Followers were all young, wild, clownish People, as hornified as so many Kids, and as fell as so many Tigers, naked and perpetually singing and dancing Country-dances; they were called Tityri and Satyrs; and were in all Eighty five thousand one hundred thirty three.  
Pan, who brought up the Rear, was a monstrous sort of a Thing, for his lower. Parts were like a Goats, his Thighs hairy, and his Horns bolt upright, a Crimson fiery Phiz, and a Beard that was none of the shortest. He was a bold, stout, daring, desperate Fellow, very apt to take Pepper in the Nose for yea and nay.  
In his Left hand he held a Pipe, and a crooked Stick in his Right. His Forces consisted also wholly of Satyrs, Aegipanes, Agripanes, Sylvans, Fauns, Lemures, Lar, Elves, and Hobgoblins, and their Number was Seventy eight thousand one hundred and fourteen. The Signal or Word common to all the Army, was Euohe.   

CHAP. XL. How the Battle, in which the Good Bacchus overthrew the Indians, was represented in Mosaic Work.  
IN the next place we saw the Representation of the Good Bacchus' Engagement with the Indians. Silenus, who led the Van, was sweeting, puffing, and blowing, belabouring his Ass most grievously; the Ass dreadfully opened its wide Jaws, drove away the Flies that plagued it, winced, flounced, went back, and bestirred itself in a most terrible manner, as if some damned Gad-bee had stung it at the Breech.  
The Satyr's Captains, Sergeants, and Corporals of Companies, sounding the Orgies with Cornets, in a furious manner went round the Army, skipping, capering, bounding, jerking, farting, flying out at Heels, kicking and prancing like mad, encouraging their Companions to fight bravely; and all the delineated Army cried out Euohe.  
First the Maenads charged the Indians with dreadful Shouts, and a horrid Din of their brazen Drums and Bucklers; the Air rung again all-a-round, as the Mosaic Work well expressed it. And pray, for the future don't so much admire Apelles, Aristides the Theban, and others who drew Claps of Thunder, Lightnings, Winds, Words and Spirits.  
We than saw the Indian Army, who had at last taken the Field, to prevent the Devastation of the rest of their Country. In the Front were the Elephants with Castles well garrisoned on their backs. But the Army and themselves were put into Disorder; the dreadful Cries of the Bacchaes having filled them with Consternation, and those huge Animals turned Tail, and trampled on the men of their Party.  
There you might have seen Gaffer Silenus on his Ass, putting on as hard as he could, striking athwart and alongst, and laying about him lustily with his Staff, after the old fashion of Fencing. His Ass was prancing and making after the Elephants, gaping and martially braying, as it were to found a Charge, as he did when formerly in the Bacchanalian Feasts. He waked the Nymph Lotis, when Priapus full of Priapism had a mind to priapise, while the pretty Creature was taking a Nap.  
There you might have seen Pan frisk it with his goatish Shanks about the Maenades, and with his rustic Pipe excite them to behave themselves like Maenades.  
A little further you might have blest your Eyes with the sight of a young satire who led seventeen Kings his Prisoners, and a Bacchis who, with her Snakes, hauled along no less than Two and forty Captains; a little Faun, who carried a whole dozen of Standards taken on the Enemy; and goodman Bacchus on his Chariot, riding to and fro fearless of Danger, making much of his dear Carcase, and cheerfully toping to all his merry Friends.  
Finally, we saw the Representation of his Triumph, which was thus; First, his Chariot was wholly lined with Ivy, gathered on the Mountain Meros'; this for its scarcity, which you know, raises the Price of every thing, and principally of those Leaves in India. In this Alexander the Great followed his Example at his Indian Triumph. The Chariot was drawed by Elephants joined together, wherein he was imitated by Pompey the Great at Rome in his African Triumph. The good Bacchus was seen, drinking out of a mighty Urn, which Action Marius aped after his Victory over the Cimbri near Aix in Provence. All his Army were crowned with Ivy, their Javelins, Bucklers, and Drums were also wholly covered with it; there was not so much as Silenus' Ass, but was betrapped with it.  
The Indian Kings were fastened with Chains of Gold close by the Wheels of the Chariot; all the Company marched in Pomp with unspeakable Joy, loaded with an infinite number of Trophies, Pageants, and Spoils, playing and singing merry Epiniciums', Songs of Triumph, and also rural Lays and Dithyrambs.  
At the farthest end was a Prospect of the Land of Egypt; the Nile with its Crocodiles, Marmosets, Ibises, Monkeys, Trochilos', or Wrens, Ichneumons or Pharo's Mice, Hippopotami or Sea-Horses, and other Creatures its Guests and Neighbours: Bacchus was moving towards that Country under the Conduct of a Couple of horned Beasts, on one of which was written in Gold, Apis, and Osiris on the other; because no Ox or Cow had been seen in Egypt till Bacchus came thither.   

CHAP. XLI. How the Temple was Illuminated with a wonderful Lamp.  
BEfore I proceed to the Description of the Bottle, I'll give you that of an admirable Lamp, that dispensed so large a Light over all the Temple, that though it lay under ground, we could distinguish every Object as clearly as above it at noonday.  
In the middle of the Roof was fixed a Ring of massive Gold as thick as my clenched Fist. Three Chains somewhat less most curiouslly wrought, hanged about two foot and a half below it, and in a Triangle supported a round plate of fine Gold, whose Diameter or Breadth did not exceed two Cubits and half a span. There were four holes in it, in each of which an empty Ball was fastened, hollow within, and open o' top, like a little Lamp; its Circumference about two hands breadth, each Ball was of Precious Stone; One an Amethyst, another an African Carbuncle, the third an Opal, and the fourth an Anthracites: They were full of burning Water, five times distilled in a Serpentine Lymbeck, and inconsumptible like the Oil formerly put into Pallas' Lamp at Acropolis of Athens by Callimachus, In each of them was a flaming Wick of Asbestine Flax, as of old in the Temple of Jupiter Ammon, such as those which Cleombrotus a most studious Philosopher, and Pandelinus of Carpasium had, which were rather renewed than consumed by the Fire.  
About two foot and a half below that gold Plate, the three Chains were fastened to three Handles that were fixed to a large round Lamp of most pure Crystal, whose Diameter was a Cubit and a half, and opened about two hands breadth o' top; by which open place a Vessel of the same Crystal shaped somewhat like the lower part of a Gourd-like Lymbeck, or an Urinal, was put at the bottom of the great Lamp, with such a quantity of the aforementioned burning Water, that the flame of the Asbetine Wick reached the Centre of the great Lamp. This made all its spherical body seem to burn and be in a Flame, because the Fire was just at the Centre and middle Point: so that it was not more easy to fix the Eye on it, than on the Disque of the Sun; the matter being wonderfully bright and shining, and the Work most transparent and dazzling, by the Reflection of the various Colours of the precious Stones, whereof the four small Lamps above the main Lamp were made, and their Lustre was still variously glittering all over the Temple. Then this wand'ring Light being darted on the polished Marble and Agath, with which all the inside of the Temple was pargetted, our Eyes were entertained with a sight of all the admirable Colours which the Rainbow can boast when the Sun darts his fiery Rays on some dropping Clouds.  
The Design of the Lamp was admirable in itself; but, in my opinion, what added much to the Beauty of the whole, was that round the body of the Christal-Lamp; there was carved in Cataglyphick Work, a lively and pleasant Battle of naked Boys, mounted on little Hobby-horses, with little whirligig-Lances and Shields, that seemed made of Vine-branches with Grapes on them; their Postures generally were very different, and their childish Strife and Motions were so ingeniously expressed, that Art equalled Nature in every Proportion and Action. Neither did this seem engraved, but rather hewed out and embossed; in Relief; or, at least like Grotesque, which by the Artist's Skill has the appearance of the roundness of the Object it represents; this was partly the effect of the various and most charming Light, which flowing out of the Lamp, filled the carved Places with its glorious Rays.   

CHAP. XLII. How the Priestess Bacbuc showed us a Fantastic Fountain in the Temple.  
WHile we were admiring this incomparable Lamp, and the stupendous Structure of the Temple, the Venerable Priestess Bacbuc, and her Attendants came to us with jolly, smiling Looks; and seeing us duly accoutred, without the least difficulty, took us into the middle of the Temple, where just under the aforesaid lamp, was the fine Fantastic Fountain.   

CHAP. XLIII. How the Fountain-water had the Taste of Wine, according to the Imagination of those who drank of it.  
SHE then ordered some Cups, Goblets, and Talboys of Gold, Silver, and Crystal to be brought, and kindly invited us to drink of the Liquor that sprung there, which we readily did; for to say the truth, this Fantastic Fountain was very inviting, and its Materials and Workmanship more precious, rare, and admirable than any thing Pluto ever dreamt of in Limbo.  
It's Basis or Groundwork was of most pure and limpid Aleblaster, and its height somewhat more than three Spans; being a regular Heptagone on the outside, with its Stylobates or Footsteps, Arulets, Simasults or Blunt Tops, and Doric Vndulations about it. It was exactly round within. On the middle Point of each Angle and Brink stood a Pillar orbiculated, in form of Ivory or Alabaster Solid Rings.  
Each Pillar's length from the Basis to the Architraves, was near seven Hands, taking an exact Dimension of its Diameter through the Centre of its Circumference and inward Roundness; and it was so disposed, that casting our Eyes behind one of them, whatever its Cube might be, to view its Opposite, we found that the Pyramidal Cone of our Visual Line ended at the said Centre, and there, by the two Opposites, formed an Equilaterial Triangle, whose two Lines divided the Pillar into two equal Parts.  
That which we had a mind to measure going from one side to another, two Pillars over, at the first third part of the distance between them, was met by their lowermost and fundamental Line, which in a Consult Line drawn as far as the Universal Centre, equally divided, gave in a just Partition the distance of the Seven opposite Pillars in a right Line; beginning at the Obtuse Angle on the Brink; as you know that an Angle is always found placed between two others in all Angular Figures odd in number.  
This tacitly gave us to understand that seven Semi-diamiaters are in Geometrical Proportion, Compass and Distance, somewhat less than the Circumference of a Circle, from the Figure of which they are extracted, that is to say, three whole Parts with an eighth and a half, a little more; or a seventh and a half, a little less, according to the Instructions given us of old by Euclid, Aristotle, Archimedes, and others.  
The first Pillar, I mean that which faced the Temple-gate, was of Azure, Sky-coloured Saphir.  
The second of Hyacinth, a precious Stone, exactly of the Colour of the Flower, into which Ajax's Choleric Blood was transformed; the Greek Letters, A I, being seen on it in many places.  
The third an Anachite Diamond, as bright and glittering as Lightning.  
The fourth a Masculine Ruby Ballais [Peach coloured] amatistising, its Flame and Lustre ending in Violet or Purple, like an Amethyst.  
The fifth an Emerald, above five hundred and fifty times more precious than that of Serapis in the Labyrinth of the Egyptians, and more verdant and shining than those that were fixed instead of Eyes in the Marble Lion's Head, near King Hermias' Tomb.  
The sixth of Agath, more admirable and various in the Distinctions of its Veins, Clouds, and Colours, than that which Pyrrhus, King of Epirus, so mightily esteemed.  
The seventh of Sienites, transparent, of the Colour of a Beri●, and the clear Hue of Hymetian Honey, and within it the Moon was seen, such as we see it in the Sky, Silent, Full, New, and in the Wain.  
These Stones were assigned to the Seven heavenly Planets by the Ancient Chaldeans; and that the meanest Capacities might be informed of this, just at the Central Perpendicular Line, on the Chapter of the first Pillar, which was of Saphir, stood the Image of Saturn in Eliacim Lead, with his Scythe in his Hand, and at his Feet, a Crane of Gold, very artfully enemalled according to the Native Hue of the Saturnine Bird.  
On the second, which was of Hyacinth, towards the jest, Jupiter was seen in Jovetian Brass, and on his Breast an Eagle of Gold enemalled to the Life.  
On the third was Phoebus of the purest Gold, and a white Cock in his right hand.  
On the fourth was Mars in Corinthian-Brass, and a Lion at his Feet.  
On the Fifth was Venus in Copper, the Metal of which Aristomides made Athamas' Statue that expressed in a blushing whiteness his Confusion at the sight of his Son Learchus, who died at his Feet of a Fall.  
On the Sixth was Mercury in Hydrargyre, I would have said Quicksilver, had it not been fixed, malleable, and unmoveable: That nimble Deity had a Stork at his Feet.  
On the Seventh was the Moon in Silver with a Grayhound at her Feet.  
The size of these Statues was somewhat more than a third part of the Pillars on which they stood, and they were so admirably wrought according to Mathematical proportion, that Polycletus' Cannon could hardly have stood in competition with them.  
The Bases of the Pillars, the Chapters, the Architraves, Zoophores and Cornishes, were Phrygian Work of Massive Gold, purer and finer than any that is found in the Rivers Leéde near Montpellier, Ganges in India, Pô in Italy, Hebrus in Thrace, Tagus in Spain, and Pactolus in Lydia.  
The small Arches between the Pillars were of the same precious Stone of which the Pillars next to them were. Thus that Arch was of Saphir which ended at the Hiacynth Pillar; and that was of Hiacynth which went towards the Diamond, and so on.  
Above the Arches and Chapters of the Pillars on the inward Front a Cúpola was raised to cover the Fountain; it was surrounded by the Planetary Statues, Heptagonal at the bottom, and Spherical o' top; and of Crystal so pure, transparent, well polished, whole, and uniform in all its parts, without Veins, Clouds, Flaws or Streaks, that Xenocrates never saw such a one in his life.  
Within it were seen the Twelve Signs of the Zodiac, the Twelve Months of the Year, with their Proprieties, the Two Equinoxes, the Ecliptic Line, with some of the most Remarkable fixed Stars about the Antarctic Pole and elsewhere, so curiously engraven, that I fancied them to be the Workmanship of King Necepsus or Petosiris the Ancient Mathematician.  
On the top of the Cúpola, just over the Centre of the Fountain, were three noble long Pearls all of one size, Pear-fashion, perfectly imitating a Tear, and so joined together as to represent a Flower-de-luce or Lily, each of the Flowers seeming above a Hand's-breath. A Carbuncle jetted out of its Calix or Cup, as big as an Ostridge's Egg, cut seven square (that Number so beloved of Nature) and so prodigiously glorious, that the sight of it had like to have made us blind; for the fiery Sun, or the pointed Lightning are not more dazzling and unsufferably bright.  
Now were some Judicious Appraisers to judge of the Value of this incomparable Fountain, and the Lamp of which we spoke, they would undoubtedly affirm, it exceeds that of all the Treasures and Curiosities in Europe, Asia and Africa put together. For that Carbuncle alone would have darkened the Pantharb of Joachas the Indian Magician, with as much ease as the Sun outshines and dims the Stars with his Meridian Rays.  
Now let Cleopatra that Egyptian Quean boast of her Pair of Pendants, those two Pearls, one of which she caused to be dissolved in Vinegar in the presence of Anthony the Triumvir, her Gallant.  
Or let Pompeia Plautina be proud of her Dress covered all over with Emeralds and Pearls curiously intermixed, that attracted the Eyes of all Rome, and was said to be the Pit and Magazine of the Conquering Robbers of the Universe.  
The Fountain had three Tubes or Channels of right Pearl, seated in three Equilateral Angles already mentioned, extended on the Margin; and those Channels proceeded in a Snail-like Line winding equally on both sides.  
We looked on them a while, and had cast our Eyes on another side, when Bacbuc directed us to watch the Water: We than heard a most harmonious sound, yet somewhat stopped by starts, far distant, and Subterranean, by which means it was still more pleasing than if it had been free, uninterrupted, and near us; so that our Minds were as agreeably entertained through our Ears with that charming melody, as they were through the Windows of our Eyes, with those Delightful Objects.  
Bacbuc then said, Your Philosophers will not allow, that Motion is begot by the power of Figures; Look here, and see the contrary. By that single Snail-like motion, equally divided as you see, and a fivefold insoliature, movable at every inward meeting, such as is the Vena cava where it enters into the right Ventricle of the Heart; just so is the Flowing of this Fountain, and by it an harmony ascends as high as your World's Ocean.  
She then ordered her Attendants to make us drink; And to tell you the truth of the matter as near as possible, we are not, Heaven be praised! of the nature of a Drove of Calf-lollies, who (as your Sparrows can't feed unless you bob them on the Tail) must be Ribroasted with tough Crabtree, and firked into a stomach, or at least into an humour to eat or drink; No, we know better things, and scorn to scorn any man's Civility who civilly invites us to a Drinking Bout. Bacbuc asked us then, how we liked our Tiff; We answered, that it seemed to us good harmless sober Adam's Liquor, fit to keep a man in the right way, and in a word, mere Element; more cool and clear than Argyrontes in Aetolia, Peneus in Thessaly, Axius in Migdonia, or Cydnus in Cilicia, a tempting sight of whose cool silver Stream caused Alexander to prefer the short-lived Pleasure of bathing himself in it, to the Inconveniences which he could not but foresee would attend so ill-timed an Action.  
This, said Bacbuc, comes of not considering with ourselves, or understanding the motions of the Musculous Tongue, when the Drink glides on it in its way to the Stomach! Tell me, Noble Strangers, Are your Throats lined, paved, or enamell'd, as formerly was that of Pythilus, nicknamed Theuthes, that you can have missed the Taste, Relish and Flavour of this Divine Liquor? Here, said she, turning towards her Gentlewomen, Bring my scrubbing Brushes, you know which, to scrape, rake, cleanse and clear their Palates.  
They brought immediately some stately, swingeing jolly Hams; fine, substantial Neat stongues, good Hung-beef, pure and delicate, Botargos, Venison, Sawcidges, and such other Gullet-sweepers. And to comply with her Invitation, we crammed and twisted till we owned ourselves thoroughly cured of Thirst, which before did damnably plague us.  
We are told, continued she, that formerly a Learned and Valiant Hebrew Chief leading his People through Deserts, where they were in hopes of being famished, obtained of God some Manna, whose taste was to them by imagination such as that of Meat was to them before in reality: Thus, drinking of this miraculous Liquor you'll find it taste like any Wine that you shall fancy you drink. Come then, fancy, and drink. We did so, and Panurge had no sooner whipped off his Brimmer, but he cried, By Noah's Openshop, 'tis Vincentio de Beaulne, better than ever was yet tipped over Tongue, or may Ninety six Devils swallow me. Oh that to keep its taste the longer, we Gentlemen Topers had but Necks some three Cubits long, or so, as Philoxenus desired to have, or at least like a Crane's, as Melanthius wished his.  
On the Faith of true Lanterners, quoth Friar John, 'tis gallant sparkling Greek Wine; Now, for God's sake, Sweetheart, do but teach me how the devil you make it. It seems to me Mirevaux Wine, said Pantagruel, for before I drank, I supposed it to be such. Nothing can be misliked in it, but that 'tis cold, colder, I say, than the very Ice, colder than the Nonacrian and ●eraean Water, or the Conthopian Spring at Corinth, that froze up the Stomach and Nutritive Parts of those that drank of it.  
Drink once, twice or thrice more, said Bacbuc, still changing your Imagination, and you shall find its taste and flavour to be exactly that on which you shall have pitched. Then never presume to say that any thing is impossible to God. We never offered to say such a thing, said I; far from it, we maintain he is Omnipotent.   

CHAP. XLIV. How the Pristess Bacbuc equipt Panurge in order to have the Word of the Bottle.  
WHEN we had thus chatted and tippled, Bacbuc asked, Who of you ●ere would have the Word of the Bottle? 〈◊〉 your most humble little Funnel, an't ●lease you, quoth Panurge. Friend, saith 〈◊〉, I have but one thing to tell you, which 〈◊〉, that when you come to the Oracle, 〈◊〉 take care to hearken and hear the Word only with one Ear. This, cried ●riar John, is Wine of one Ear, as Frenchmen all it.  
She than wrapped him up in a Gaberdine, bound his Noddle with a goodly clean Biggin, clapped over it a Felt, such as those through which Hippocras is distilled, at the bottom of which, instead of a Cowle, she put three Obelisks, made him draw on a pair of old fashioned Cod pieces instead of Mittins, girded him about with three Bagpipes bound together, bathed his Jobbernol thrice in the Fountain; then threw a handful of Meal on his Phyz, fixed three Cock's Feathers on the right side of the Hypocratical Felt, made him take a jant nine times round the Fountain, caused him to take three little leaps, and to bump his A— seven times against the ground, repeating I don't know what kind of Conjurations all the while in the Toscan Tongue, and ever and anon reading in a Ritual, or Book of Ceremonies, carried after her by one of her Mystagogues.  
For my part, may I never stir, if I done't really believe, that neither Numa Pompilius the Second King of the Romans, nor the Cerites of Tuscia, and the Old Hebrew Captain, ever instituted so many Ceremonies as I then saw performed; nor were ever half so many Religious Forms used by the Soothsayers of Memphis in Egypt to Apis, or by the Embrians, or at Rhamnus to Rhamnusia, or to Jupiter Ammon, or to Feronia.  
When she had thus accoutred my Gentleman, she took him out of our Company and led him out of the Temple through a golden Gate on the Right, into a round Chapel made of transparent speculary Stones, by whose solid Clearness the Sun's Light shined there through the precipice of the Rock without any Windows or other Entrance, and so easily and fully dispersed itself through the greater Temple, that the Light seemed rather to spring out of it, than to flow into it.  
The Workmanship was not less rare than that of the Sacred Temple at Ravenna, or that in the Island of Chemnis in Egypt. Nor must I forget to tell you, that the Work of that round Chapel was contrived with such a Symmetry, that its Diameter was just the height of the Vault.  
In the middle of it was an Heptagonal Fountain of fine Alabaster most artfully wrought, full of Water, which was so clear, that it might have passed for Element in its purity and singleness. The Sacred Bottle was in it to the middle, clad in pure fine Crystal, of an oval shape, except its Muzzle, which was somewhat wider than is consistent with that Figure.   

CHAP. XLV. How Bacbuc, the High-Priestess brought Panurge before the Holy Bottle.  
THERE the Noble Priestess Bacbuc made Panurge stoop and kiss the brink of the Fountain; then bade him rise and dance three 
* Dances in the honour of Bacchus.  Ithymbi. Which done, she ordered him to set down, between two Stools placed there for that purpose, his Arse upon the ground. Then she opened her Ceremonial Book, and whispering in his left Ear made him sing an Epileny, inserted here in the Figure of the Bottle.  
Bottle, whose Mysterious Deep  
Does ten thousand Secrets keep,  
With attentive Ear I wait;  
Ease my Mind, and speak my Fate.  
Soul of Joy! Like Bacchus, we  
More than India▪ gain by thee.  
Truth's unborn thy Juice reveals,  
Which Futurity conceals.  
Antidote to Frauds and Lies,  
Wine, that mounts us to the Skies,  
May thy Father Noah's Brood  
Like him drown, but in thy Flood.  
Speak, so may the Liquid Mine  
Of Rubies, or of Diamonds shine.  
Bottle, whose Mysterious Deep  
Does ten thousand Secrets keep,  
With attentive Ear I wait;  
Ease my Mind, and speak my Fate.   depiction of bottle 
When Panurge had sung, Bacbuc throwed I dont know what into the Fountain, and straight its Water began to boil in good earnest, just for the world as doth the great Monastical Pot at Bourgueil when 'tis high Holiday there. Friend Panurge was listening with one Ear, and Bacbuc kneeled by him, when such a kind of a humming was heard out of the Bottle as is made by a Swarm of Bees bred in the Flesh of a young Bull killed and dressed according to Aristaeus' Art, or such as is made when a Bolt flies out of a Cross-bow, or when a shower falls on a sudden in Summer. Immediately after this was heard the Word TRINC. By Cob's Body, cried Panurge, 'tis broken, or cracked at least, not to tell a Lie for the matter; for, even so do Crystal Bottles speak in our Country when they burst near the Fire.  
Bacbuc arose, and gently taking Panurge under the Arms, said, Friend, offer your Thanks to Indulgent Heaven, as Reason requires, you have soon had the Word of the Goddess Bottle; and the kindest, most favourable and certain Word of an Answer that I ever yet heard her give since I officiate here at her most Sacred Oracle: Rise, Let us go to the Chapter, in whose gloss that fine Word is explained. With all my heart, quoth Panurge; by Jingo, I am just as wise as I was last year: Light, where's the Book. Turn it over, where's that Chapter? Let's see this merry Gloss.   

CHAP. XLVI. How Bacbuc explained the Word of the Goddess Bottle.  
BAcbuc having thrown I don't know what into the Fountain, straight the Water ceased to boil, and then she took Panurge into the greater Temple, where was the enlivening Fountain.  
There she took out a hugeous Silver Book in the shape of a Hast-tierce, or Hog's-head of Sentences; and having filled it at the Fountain, said to him; The Philosophers, Preachers and Doctors of your World feed you up with fine Words and Cant at the Ears; now, here we really incorporate our Precepts at the Mouth. Therefore I'll not say to you, read this Chapter, see this Gloss; No, I say to you, Taste me this fine Chapter, swallow me this rare Gloss. Formerly an Ancient Prophet of the Jewish Nation eat a Book, and became a Clerk even to the very Teeth; now will I have you to drink one, that you may be a Clerk to your very Liver. Here open your Mandibules.  
Panurge gaping as wide as his Jaws would stretch, Bacbuc took the Silver Book, at least we took it for a real Book, for it looked just for the world like a Breviary; but, in truth, it was a Breviary or Flask of Right Phalernian Wine as it came from the Grape, which she made him swallow every drop.  
By Bacchus, quoth Panurge, this was a Notable Chapter, a most Authentic Gloss o' my word! Is this all that the Trismegistian Bottle's Word means? i troth I like it extremely, it went down like Mother's Milk. Nothing more, returned Bacbuc, for Trinc is a Panomphean Word, that is, a Word understood, used and celebrated by all Nations, and signifies Drink.  
Some say in your World that Sack is a Word used in all Tongues, and justly admitted in the same sense among all Nations; for, as Esop's Fable hath it, all men are born with a Sack at the Neck, naturally needy, and begging of each other; neither can the most powerful King be without the help of other men, or can any one that's poor subsist without the rich, though he be never so proud and insolent; as for example, Hippias the Philosopher, who boasted he could do every thing. Much less can any one make shift without Drink than without a Sack. Therefore here we hold not that Laughing, but that Drinking is the distinguishing Character of man. I don't say Drinking, taking that word singly and absolutely in the strictest sense; No, Beasts than might put in for a share; I mean drinking cool delicious Wine. For you must know, my Beloved, that by Wine we become Divine; neither can there be a surer Argument, or a less deceitful Divination. Your 
* Varro.  Academics assert the same when they make the Etymology of Wine, which the Greeks call OINOΣ, to be from Vis, Strength, Virtue and Power; for 'tis in its power to fill the Soul with all Truth, Learning and Philosophy.  
If you observe what is written in Ionian Letters on the Temple-gate, you may have understood that Truth is in Wine. The Goddess Bottle therefore directs you to that divine Liquor, be yourself the Expounder of your Undertaking.  
'Tis impossible, said Pantagruel to Panurge, to speak more to the purpose than does this true Priest; you may remember I told you as much when you first spoke▪ to me about it.  
Trinc then: What says your heart elevated by Bacchic Enthusiasm?  
With this, quoth Panurge, 
Trinc, Trinc, by Bacchus, let us tope,  
And tope again; for, now I hope  
To see some brawny juicy Rump,  
And tickle't with my Carnal Stump.  
E'er long, my Friends, I shall be wedded,  
Sure as my Trapstick has a red head;  
And my sweet Wife shall hold the Combat,  
Long as my Baws can on her Bum beat.  
O what a Battle of A— fighting  
Will there be! which I much delight in.  
What pleasant Pains than shall I take  
To keep myself and Spouse awake!  
All heart and Juice, I'll up and ride,  
And make a Duchess of my Bride.  
Sing Io Paean! loudly sing  
To Hymen who all joys will bring.  
Well, Friar John, I'll take my Oath,  
This Oracle is full of Troth;  
Intelligible Truths it bears,  
More certain than the Sieve and Shears.    

CHAP. XLVII. How Panurge and the rest rhymed with Poetic Fury.  
WHat a Pox ails the Fellow, quoth Friar John? stark staring mad, or be witched, o' my word! Do but hear the chiming Dotterel gabble in Rhyme. What o' Devil has he swallowed? His Eyes roll in his Loggerhead, just for the world like a dying Goat's. Will the addle-pated Wight have the grace to sheer off? Will he rid us of his damned Company, to go shit out his nasty rhyming Balderdash in some Boghouse? will no body be so kind as to cram some Dog's-bur down the poor Cur's Gullet, or will he Monk-like run his Fist up to the Elbow into his Throat to his very Maw to scour and clear his Flanks? Will he take a hair of the same Dog?  
Pantagruel chid Friar John, and said, 

Bold Monk, forbear, this, I'll assure ye,  
Proceeds all from Poetic Fury;  
Warmed by the God, inspired with Wine,  
His Human Soul is made Divine.   

For without Jest,  
His hallowed Breast,  
With Wine possessed,  
Could have no rest,  
Till h'had expressed  
Some Thoughts at least  
Of his great Guest.  
Then straight he flies  
Above the Skies,  
And mortifies,  
With Prophecies,  
Our Miseries.  
And since divinely he's inspired,  
Adore the Soul by Wine acquired,  
And let the Toss-pot be admired.    
How! quoth the Friar, the fit Rhyming is upon you too! Is't come to that? Then we are all peppered, or the Devil pepper me. What would not I give to have Gargantua see us while we are in this Maggotty Crambo-vein! Now, may I be cursed with living on that damned empty Food, if I can tell, whether I shall scape the catching Distemper. The Devil a bit do I understand which way to go about it; however, the Spirit of Fustian possesses us all, I find. Well, by St. John, I'll Poetize since every Body does; I find it coming. Stay, and pray pardon me, if I don't Rhyme in Crimson; 'tis my first Essay.  
Thou, who canst Water turn to Wine,  
Transform my Bum by Power Divine  
Into a Lantern, that may Light  
My Neighbour in the darkest Night.  
Panurge then proceeds in his Rapture, and says, 
From Pythian Tripos ne'er were heard  
More Truths, nor more to be revered.  
I think from Delphos to this Spring,  
Some Wizard brought that conj'ring thing:  
Had honest Plutarch here been toping,  
He then so long had ne'er been groping  
To find, according to his Wishes,  
Why Oracles are mute as Fishes  
At Delphos: Now the Reason's clear,  
No more at Delphos they're, but here.  
Here is the Tripos, out of which  
Is spoke the Doom of Poor and Rich.  
For Athaeneus does relate  
This Bottle is the Womb of Fate.  
Prolific of mysterious Wine,  
And big with Prescience Divine:  
It brings the Truth with pleasure forth,  
Besides you have't a pennyworth.  
So, Friar John, I must exhort you  
To wait a word that may import you,  
And to inquire, while here we tarry,  
If it shall be your luck to Marry.   
Friar John answers him in a Rage, and says, 
How Marry! by St. Bennets Boot.  
And his Gambadoes, I'll ne'er do't.  
No Man that knows me e'er shall judge  
I mean to make myself a Drudge,  
Or that Peelgarlick e'er will dote  
Upon a paltry Petticoat.  
I'll ne'er my Liberty betray  
All for a little Leapfrog play,  
And ever after wear a Clog  
Like Monkey, or like Mastiff-dog▪  
No, I'd not have upon my Life,  
Great Alexander for my Wife,  
Nor Pompey, nor his Dad in Law,  
Who did each other clapper claw.  
Not the best he that wears a head,  
Shall win me to his Truckle-bed.   
Panurge pulling off his Gaberdine and Mystical Acoutrements, replied, 
Wherefore thou shalt, thou filthy Beast,  
Be damned twelve Fathoms deep at least;  
While I shall reign in Paradise,  
Whence on thy Loggerhead I'll piss.  
Now when that dreadful hour is come,  
That thou in Hell receiv'st thy Doom,  
Even there, I know, thou'lt play some trick,  
And Proserpina shan't scape a prick  
Of the long Pin within thy Breeches.  
But when thou'rt using these Caprices,  
And caterwauling in her Cavern,  
Send Pluto to the farthest Tavern,  
For the best Wine that's to be had,  
Lest he should see, and run hornmad:  
She's kind, and ever did admire  
A well-fed Monk, or well-hung Friar.   
Go to, quoth Friar John, thou old Noddy, thou doddipold Ninnie, go to the Devil thou'rt prating of; I've done with Rhyming, the Rheum gripes me at the Gullet. Let's talk of paying and going; come.   

CHAP. XLVIII. How we took our leave of Bacbuc, and left the Oracle of the Holy Bottle.  
DO not trouble yourself about any thing here, said the Priestess to the Friar; if you be but satisfied, we are. Here below in these Circumcentral Regions, we place the Sovereign Good not in taking and receiving, but in bestowing and giving; so that we esteem ourselves happy, not if we take and receive much of others, as perhaps the Sects of Teachers do in your World, but rather if we impart and give much. All I have to beg of you, is that you leave us here your Names in Writing in this Ritual. She than opened a fine large Book, and as we gave our Names, one of her Mystagogues, with a Gold Pin, drew some Lines on it, as if she had been Writing; but we could not see any Characters.  
This done, she filled three Glasses with fantastic Water, and giving them into our Hands, said, Now, my Friends, you may depart, and may that Intellectual Sphere, whose Centre is every where, and Circumference no where, whom we call GOD, keep you in his Almighty Protection. When you come into your World, do not fail to affirm and witness, that the greatest Treasures, and most admirable Things are hidden under Ground, and not without reason.  
Ceres was worshipped, because she taught Mankind the Art of Husbandry, and by the use of Corn, which she invented, abolished that beastly way of feeding on Acorns, and she grievously lamented her Daughter's Banishment into our Subterranean Regions, certainly foreseeing that Proserpina would meet with more excellent Things, more desirable Enjoyments below, than she her Mother could be blest with above.  
What do you think is become of the Art of forcing the Thunder, and Celestial Fire down, which the wise Prometheus had formerly invented? 'Tis most certain you have lost it; 'tis no more on your Hemisphere; but here below we have it. And, without a Cause, you sometimes wonder to see whole Towns burned and destroyed by Lightning, and Ethereal Fire, and are at a loss about knowing from whom, by whom, and to what end those dreadful Mischiefs were sent. Now, they are familiar and useful to us; and your Philosophers who complain that the Ancients have left them nothing to write of, or to invent, are very much mistaken. Those Phaenomena which you see in the Sky, whatever the surface of the Earth affords you, and the Sea, and every River contain, is not to be compared with what is hid within the Bowels of the Earth.  
For this reason, the Subterranean Ruler has justly gained, in almost every Language, the Epithet of Rich. Now, when your Sages shall wholly apply their Minds to a diligent and studious Search after Truth, humbly begging the Assistance of the Sovereign God, whom formerly the Egyptians in their Language, called, The Hidden and the Concealed, and invoking him by that Name, beseech him to reveal, and make himself known to them, that Almighty Being will out of his infinite Goodness, not only make his Creatures, but even himself known to them.  
Thus will they be guided by good Lanterns. For all the Ancient Philosophers and Sages have held two things necessary, safely and pleasantly to arrive at the Knowledge of God and true Wisdom; first, God's gracious Guidance, than Man's Assistance.  
So among the Philosophers, Zoroaster took Ariamspes for the Companion of his Travels; Esculapius, Mercury; Orpheus, Musaeus; Pythagoras, Aclophemus; and among Princes and Warriors, Hercules in his most difficult Achievements, had his singular Friend Theseus; Ulysses, Diomedes; Aeneas, Achates; you followed their Examples, and came under the Conduct of an Illustrious Lantern: Now, in God's Name depart, and may he go along with you.   
The End of the Fifth Book of the Heroic Deeds and Sayings of the Noble Pantagruel.   

THE Most Certain, True and Infallible Pantagruelian Prognostication.  
For the Year that's to come, and ever and aye.  
Calculated for the Benefit and Noddification of the Giddy-brained and Weather-wise Would-be's.  
By Master Alcofribas Nasier, Architriclin to the aforementioned Pantagruel.   

TO THE Courteous READER, GREETING.  
HAving considered the infinite Abuses arising from whole Cart-loads of Louvain Prognostications made in the Shadow of a Pot of Drink, ● so, I have here calculated one the most sure ad unerring that ever was seen in Black and White, as hereafter you'll find. For, doubtless, considering what the Royal Prophet says to God in the 5th Psalm, Thou shalt destroy them that speak leasing, 'tis a heinous, foul, and crying Sin to tell a damned wilful Lie, thereby to deceive the poor gaping World, greedy of Novelties; such as the French, above all others, have been time out of mind, as Caesar in his Commentaries, and John de Gravot in his gallic Mythologies have set down. Which is daily observable throughout all France, where the first questions, which you shall put to People newly arrived, are, what News? Is there no News stirring? What do they say? What's the Discourse abroad? And so inquisitive they are, that they'll be stark staring mad at those who come out of strange Countries, unless they bring a whole budgetful of strange Stories, calling them Dolts, Blockheads, Ninnyhammers, and silly Oufs.  
Since then, they are so ready to ask after News, and consequently the more glibly swallow down every flim flam Story that's told them, Were it not expedient that some People, on whose Faith we might depend, should hold Offices of Intelligence on the Frontiers of the Kingdom, and have a competent Salary allowed them for nothing else but to examine the News that is brought, whether it true or no? Yea, verily Friends. Even so did my good Master Pantagruel through all the Countries of Utopia and Dipsody; whence it comes, that his Territories are so prosperous, that at present they can't tell how to make away with their Wine fast enough, but are feigned to let it run about in waste, if plenty of good Fellows from other Parts do not come to help them off with it.  
Being therefore desirous to satisfy the curiosity of every good Companion, I have tumbled over and over all the Pantarchs' of the Heavens, calculated the Quadrates of the Moon, hooked out whatever all the Astrophiles Hypernephelists, Anemophylaxes, Uranopetes, Ombrophores, and the Devil and all of them, have thought; and then having conferred with Empedocles upon the whole, who, by the way, desires to be kindly remembered to you, I have 〈◊〉 here crammed the Pith, Marrow and Matter of the Substance of it into a few Chapters. Assuring you that I say nothing of it, but what I think; and that I think nothing of it, but what it is; and there is no more to be known in those Matters, than what you are going to read. As for any thing that may hereafter be said over and above, it will come to pass, per' anture ay, per' anture no.  
Take notice by the by, That if you don't believe every Syllable, Jota, and Tittle of it, you do me a great deal of wrong, for which either here or elsewhere you may chance to be clawed off with a vengeance; and a good Salt-eal, Crabtree, or Bull's pizzle may be plentifully bestowed on your outward Man. You may take Pepper in the Nose, and snuff and suck up the Air as you would Oysters, as much as you please; 'tis all one for that.  
Well, however, come, snite your Noses my little Children; and you old doting Father-Grey-Beards pull out your best Eyes, don your Barnacles, and in the Scale of the Sanctuary, weigh me every tittle of what I'm going to tell you.   


Of the Golden Number.  
THE Golden Number non est inventus: I cannot find it this Year by any Calculation that I have made. Let's go on, Verte folium; turn over leaf.   

CHAP. I. Of the Governor and Lords Ascendant this Year.  
WHatsoever these Blindfolded, Blockheadly Fools, the Astrologers, of Louvain, Norimberg, Tubinge, and Lions, may tell ye, don't you feed yourselves up with Whims and Fancies, nor believe there is any Governor of the whole Universe this Year, but God the Creator, who by his Divine Word rules and governs all; by whom all things are in their Nature, Propriety, and Conditions, and without whose Preservation and Governance all things in a moment would be reduced to nothing, as out of nothing they were by him created. For of Him comes, in Him is, and by Him is made perfect every Being, and all Life and Motion, as says the Evangelical Trumpet, my Lord St. Paul, Rom. the 11th.  
Therefore the Ruler of this Year, and of all others, according to our Authentic Solution, will be God Almighty. And neither Saturn, nor Mars, nor Jupiter, nor any other Planet, nor the very Angels, nor Saints, nor Men, nor Devils, shall have any Virtue, Efficacy, or Influence whatsoever, unless God of his good Pleasure gives it them. As Avicen says, Second Causes have not any Influence or Action whatsoever, if the first Cause did not Influence them.— Does not the good little Mannikin speak truth, think ye?   

CHAP. II. Of the Eclipses this Year.  
THis Year there will be so many Eclipses of the Sun and Moon, that I fear (not unjustly) our Pockets will suffer Inanition, be full empty, and our feeling at a loss. Saturn will be retrograde, Venus' right, Mercury as unfixt as Quicksilver. And a pack of Planets w'oned go as you would have them.  
For this reason the Crabs will go sidelong, and the Rope-makers backward; the little Stools will get up on the Benches, and the Spits on the Racks, and the Bands on the Hats; and many a ones Yard will hang down and dangle, for want of Leathern Pouches; Fleas will be generally black; Bacon will run away from Pease in Lent; the Belly will waddle before; the A— will sit down first; there won't be a Bean left in a Twelf-cake, nor an Ace in a Flush; the Dice won't run to your wish though you cog them, and the chance that you desire will seldom come; Brutes shall speak in several places, Shrovetide will have its day, one part of the World shall disguise itself to gull and choose the other, and run about the Streets like a parcel of addle-pated Animals and mad Devils; such a hurly-burly was never seen since the Devil was a little Boy; and there will be above Seven and Twenty irregular Verbs made this Year, if Priscian don't hold them in. If God don't help us, we shall have our hands and hearts full. But on the other side, if he be with us, nothing can hurt us, as says the Celestial Stargaze, who was rapt into the Third Heaven, Romans the 7th. Si Deus pro nobis, quis contra nos? If God be with us, who will be against us? In good Faith, Nemo domine, No body, an't like your worship; for he is as powerful as he is good. Here for the same praise ye his Holy Name.   

CHAP. III. Of the Diseases this Year.  
THis Year the Stone-blind shall see but very little; the Deaf shall hear but scurvily; the Dumb shan't speak very plain; the Rich shall be somewhat in a better case than the Poor, and the Healthy than the Sick. Whole Flocks, Herds, and Droves of Sheep, Swine, and Oxen; Cocks and Hens, Ducks and Drakes, Geese and Ganders, shall go to pot; but the Mortality will not be altogether so great among Apes, Monkeys, Baboons, and Dromedaries. As for Old Age, 'twill be incurable this Year, because of the years past. Those who are Sick of the Pleurisy will feel a plaguy Stitch in their Sides; those who are troubled with the Thoro'-go-nimble or Wild-squirt, will often prostitute their Blind cheeks to the Boghouse; Catarrhs this year shall distil from the Brain on the lower Parts; sore Eyes will by no means help the Sight; Ears shall be at least as scarce and short in Gascony, and among Knights of the post, as ever: A most horrid and dreadful, virulent, malignant, catching, perverse and odious Malady, shall be almost Epidemical, insomuch, that many shall run mad upon't, not knowing what Nail to drive to keep the Wolf from the Door, very often plotting, contriving, Cud-gelling, and puzzling their weak, shallow Brains, and syllogizing and prying up and down for the Philosopher's Stone, though they only get Midas' Lugs by the bargain. I quake for very fear when I think on't; for I assure you, few will escape this Disease, which Averro calls Lack of Money: And by consequence of the last years Comet, and Saturn's Retrogradation, a huge drivelling He-Scoundrel, all be-crinkumed and colly-flowered shall die in the spital; at his Death will be a horrid clutter between the Cats and the Rats, Hounds and Hares, Hawks and Ducks, and eke between the Monks and Eggs.   

CHAP. IU. Of the Fruits of the Earth this Year.  
I Find by the Calculations of Albumazar, in his Book of the great Conjunction, and elsewhere, That this will be a plentiful year of all manner of good things to those that have enough; but your Hops of Picardy will go near to far the worse for the Cold. As for Oats, they'll be a great help to Horses. I dare say, there won't be much more Bacon than Swine. Pisces having the Ascendant, 'twill be a mighty year for Muscles, Cockles, and Perry-winkles. Mercury somewhat threatens our Parsly-beds, yet Parsly will be to be had for Money. Hemp will grow faster than the Children of this Age, and some will find there's but too much on't. There will be but a very few Bon-Christians, but Choak-pears in abundance. As for Corn, Wine, Fruit, and Herbs, there never was such plenty as will be now, if poor Folks may have their wish.   

CHAP. V. Of the Disposition of the People this Year.  
'TIs the oddest whimsy in the World, to fancy there are Stars for Kings, Popes, and Great Dons, any more than for the Poor and Needy. As if, forsooth, some new Stars were made since the Flood, or since Romulus or Pharamont, at the making some body King: A thing that 
* Two Court-Fools.  Triboulet or 
* Two Court-Fools.  Caillette would have been ashamed to have said, and yet they were Men of no Common Learning or Fame; and, for aught you or I know, this same Triboulet may have been of the Kings of Castille's Blood in Noah's Ark, and Caillette of that of King Priam. Now, mark ye me, those odd Notions come from nothing in the World, but want of Faith: I say, the true Catholic Faith. Therefore resting fully satisfied, that the Stars care not a Fart more for Kings than for Beggars, nor a jot more for your rich topping Fellows, than for the most Sorry, Mangy, Lousy Rascal, I'll even leave other addle-pated Fortune-tellers to speak of Great Folks, and I will only talk of the Little Ones.  
And in the first place, of those who are subject to Saturn; as for example, such as lack the ready, jealous, or hornmad self-tormenting Prigs, dreaming Fops, crabbed Eavesdroppers, raving, doting Churls, hatchers and brooders of Mischief, suspicious, distrustful Slouches, Molecatchers; closefisted, griping Misers, Usurers, and Pawn-broakers, Christian-Jews, Pinch-crusts, Hold fasts, Mitchers, and Penny-fathers', Redeemers of dipped, mortgaged, and bleeding Copy-holds and Messages, Fleecers of Sheer'd-Asses, Shoemakers and Translators, Tanners, Brick-layers, Bellfounders; Compounders of Loans, Patchers, Clowters', and Butchers of old trumpery Stuff, and all moping, melancholy Folks, shall not have this Year whatever they'd have; and will think more than once how they may get good store of the King's Pictures into their Clutches; in the mean time they'll hardly throw Shoulders of Mutton out at the Windows, and will often scratch their working Noddles where they do not itch.  
As for those who are under Jupiter, as Canting-vermin, Biggots, Pardon-pedlers, Voluminous Abbreviators, Scribblers of Breves, Copyists, Pope's Bull-makers, Dataries, Pettifoggers, Capuchins, Monks, Hermits, Hypocrites, Cushing-thumping Mountebanks, Spiritual Comedians, Forms of Holiness, Pater-Noster-faces, Wheadling-gablers, Wry-neck'd-scoundrels, Spoilers of Paper, Stately-gulls, Notch'd-cropt-eared Meacocks, Public Register's Clarks, Clergy-Taylors, Wafer-makers, Rosary-makers, Engrossers of Deeds, Notaries, Grave-bubbles, Protecoles', and Prompters to Speakers, Deceitful-makers of Promises, shall far according as they have Money. So many Clergymen will die, that there will not be men enough found on whom their Benefices may be conferred, so that many will hold two, three, four, or more. The Tribe of Hypocrites shall lose a good deal of its Ancient Fame, since the World is grown a Rake, and will not be fooled much longer, as Avenzagel saith.  
Those who are under Mars, as Hangmen, Cutthroats, Dead-doing Fellows, Freebooters, Hedge-birds, Foot-pads and Highwaymen, Catchpoles, Bum-bailiffs, Beadles and Watchmen, Reformadoes, Tooth-drawer's and Corn-cutters, Pintle-Smiths, Shavers and Frig-beards, Butchers, Coiners, Paultry-Quacks and Mountebanks, Renegadoes, Apostates and Marranized Miscreants, Incendiaries or Beutefeus', Chimney-sweepers, Boorish Cluster-fists, Charcoalmen, Alchemists, Merchants of Eel-skins and Eggshells, Gridiron and Rattle-makers, Cooks, Paultry-pedlers, Trashmongers and Spanglemakers, Braceletmakers, Lanternmakers and Tinkers, this Year will do fine things; but some of them will be somewhat subject to be Rib-roasted, and have a St. Andrew's Cross scored over their Jobbernols at unawares. This Year one of those Worthy Persons will go nigh to be made a Field-Bishop, and, mounted on a Horse that was foaled of an Acorn, give the Passengers a blessing with his Legs.  
Those who belong to Sol, as Topers, Quaffers, Whipcans, Tosspots, Whittled, Mellow, Cupshotten Swillers, Merry- Greeks with Crimsin-snouts of their own dying; fat, pursy Gorbellies, Brewers of Wine and of Beer, Botlers of Hay, Porters, Mowers, Menders of Tiled, Slated and Thatched Houses, Burthen-bearers, Packers, Shepherds, Ox-keepers and Cow-herds, Swineherds and Hog-drivers, Fowlers and Birdcatchers, gardiner's, Barnkeepers, Hedgers, Common Mumpers and Vagabonds, Day-labourers, Scowerers of greasy Thrum-caps, Stuffers and Bum-basters of Packsaddles, Rag-merchants, idle Lusks, slothful Idlebies, and drowsy Loiterers, Smell-feasts and Snap gobbets, Gentlemen generally wearing Shirts with Neckbands, or heartily desiring to wear such; all these will be hale and sharp set, and not troubled with the Gout at the Grinders, or a stoppage at the Gullet, when at a Feast on free cost.  
Those whom Venus is said to Rule, as Punks, Illss, Flirt's, Queans, Morts, Doxies, Strumpets, Buttocks, Blowing, Tits, Pure Ones, Concubines, Convenients, Cracks, Drabs, Trulls, Light-skirts, Wrigglers, Misses, Cats, Riggs, Tried Virgins, Bonarobaes, Barber's Chairs, Hedge-whores, Wagtails, Cockatrices, Whipsters, Twiggers, Harlots, Kept-wenches, Kind-hearted-things, Ladies of Pleasures, by what Titles or Names soever dignified or distinguished; Bawds, Pimps, Panders, Procurers, and Mutton-broakers; Wenchers, Lechers, Shakers', Smockers, Cousins, Cullies, Stallions and Bellibumpers; Ganymedes, Bardachoes, Huflers, Ingles, Fricatrices, He-whores and Sodomites; swaggering Huffsnuffs, bouncing Bullies, Braggadoccios, Tory-rory Rakes and Tantivy-boys; peppered, clapped and poxed Dabblers; shankered, colli-flowered, carbuncled Martyrs and Confessors of Venus; Rovers, Ruffian-Rogues, and Hedge-creepers; Female Chamberlains; Nomina mulierum desinienta in ess ut Laundress, Semptress, Hostess, etc. & in er ut, Mantuamaker, Bed-maker, Bar-keeper, Fruiterer, etc. all these will be famous this Year. But when the Sun enters Cancer and other Signs, let them beware of the Crinkams, and its Attendants; as Shankers, Claps, Virulent Gonorrheas, Cordees, Buboes, or Running Nags, Pockroyals, Botches, Wens or Condyloms, Tetters, Scabs, Nodes, Glands, tumors, Carnosities, etc. Nun's shall hardly conceive without Carnal Copulation; very few Virgins shall have Milk at the Breasts.  
As for those who come under Mercury, as Sharpers, Rooks, Cozeners, Setters, Sherks, Cheats, Pickpockets, Divers, Buttocking-Foiles, Thiefs, Millers, Nightwalkers, Masters of Arts, Decretists, Picklocks, Dear-stealers, Hedge Rhymers, Composers of serious Doggril metre, merry-andrew's, Jack-puddings, Tumblers, Masters in the Art of Hocus Pocus', Legerdemain, and Powder of Prelinpinpin; such as break Priscian's head, Quibblers and Punsters', Stationers, Paper-makers, Card-makers and Pirates, will strive to appear more merry than they'll often be; sometimes they'll laugh without much cause, and will be pretty apt to be blown up, sh— i'th' Plum-bag, and march off, unless they find themselves better stored with Chink, and stronger of the Cod than they need to be.  
Those who belong to Madam Luna, as Hawkers of Almanacs and Pamphlets, Huntsmen, Ostridge-Catchers, Falconers, Couriers, Salt-carriers, Lunatics, Maggotty Fools, Crackbrained Coxcombs, Addle-pated Frantic Wights, Giddy Whimsical Foplings, Exchange-Brokers, Post-boys, Footboys, Tennis Court-keepers-Boys, Glassmongers, Light-horse, Watermen, Mariners, Messengers, Rakers and Gleaners, will not long stay in a place this year. However, so many 
* Lifrelofes, a word coined in derision of the Germans and Swissers.  Swag-bellies and Puff-bags will hardly go to 
† St. James in Galicia.  St. Hiacco, as there did in the Year 524. Great numbers of Pilgrims will come down from the Mountains of Savoy and Auvergne, but Sagittarius sorely threatens them with kib'd Heels.   

CHAP. VI Of the Condition of some Countries.  
THE Noble Kingdom of France shall prosper and triumph this year in all Pleasures and Delights, so that Foreign Nations shall willingly retire thither. Presents of Nosegays, and Feasts on Birthdays, and Saintsdays, Treats, Pastimes, and a thousand Sports, shall keep up the Mirth. There will be plenty of delicious Wines; many Radishes in Lymosin; store of Chestnuts in Perigord and Dauphine; a deal of Olives in Languedoc; whole shoals of Sand in Olone; a world of Fish in the Sea; swarms of Stars in the Firmament; abundance of Salt at Brovage; and prodigious quantities of Corn, Pulse, Kitchen Herbs, Flowers, Fruit, Butter, Cheese, Milk, and other Dairy Goods. No Plague, no War, no Vexation. A Fart for Poverty, hang Sorrow, cast away care. Old Gold, such as your Double Ducats, Rose-Nobles, Angels, Spankers, Spur-Royals, and Well-wool'd-sheeps' of Berry will once more be in fashion, with plenty of Seraphs and Crowns with a Sun upon them, however about Midsummer you are threatened with an Invasion by black Fleas, and Weevels of la Deviniere. Adeo, nil est ex omni parte beatum; Nothing is yet found that's perfectly happy; But care must be taken to curb them with store of Evening Nunchions.  
Italy, Romania, Naples and Sicily will remain where they stood last year. People will be very thoughtful there towards the latter end of Lent, and sometimes will rave and dream at Noonday.  
Germany, Switzerland, Saxony, Strasburgh, Antwerp, etc. will thrive upon't, if they don't fail to do so. Woe be to Pardon-Pedlers if they come among them; I dare engage that there will not be many yearly Obits, Trentals and Services for the Dead founded there.  
Spain, Castille, Portugal and Arragon will be subject to sudden Thirsts, and Young and Old will be woefully afraid of dying, for which reason they'll be sure to keep themselves warm when 'tis cold; and will often tell over their Money if they have any.  
England, Scotland, and the Easterlings, will be but indifferent Pantagruelists. Wine would at least prove as wholesome to them as Beer, provided it were good and delicious. When they sit at Table, their best hopes will be in the aftergame. St. Traigeant of Scotland will work Miracles and sh— Wonders like mad; but the Devil a bit he'll see the better for all the Candles that will be offered him, if Aries ascending does not fumble, and rumble, tumble, stumble, and be humble, though he grumble, and scorned, and unhorned.  
The Moscovites, Indians, Persians, and Troglodytes, will often be troubled with the Bloody Flux, because they will not be ridden, tupped and rammed by the Romanists, considering the Ball of Sagittarius Ascendant. The Bohemians, Jews and Egyptians will not be brought this year to conform with the said Romanists, as they expect. Venus' bitterly threatens them with Wens at the Throat; if they do not condescend to the Will of the King of the Papillons.  
Escargots' [Snails] Sarabovytes, Cauquemares [Nightmares] Cannibals shall be pestered. with Ox Flies [Informers, Promoters] and will have but little heart to play on the Cymbals, and Tongue and Keys [or, to lecher] unless Guyacum be in request.  
As for Austria, Hungary and Turkey, by my Troth, my dainty Lads, I can't tell how they'll do, neither does Peelgarlick trouble his head a jot about it, considering the Sun's rare entrance into Capricornus; and if you chance to know more of the matter than I do, pray scatter no words, keep it to yourselves, but stay for the lame Post.   

OF THE Four Seasons of the Year.  
CHAP. VII. Of the Spring.  
IN all this Year's Revolution there will be but one Moon, neither will it be New. I dare warrant you are damnably down o'the mouth about it, you who do not believe in God, and persecute his holy and Divine Word as also those that stand up for it. But you may even hang yourselves out of the way, I tell you there will never be any other Moon than that which God created in the beginning, and which was placed in the Sky to light and guide Mankind by night. But in good sooth, I'll not infer thence that it never shows to the Earth and Earthly People a decrease or increase of its Light, according as it is nearer the Sun or further from it. No, no, why should I say this? For, wherefore, because, however, notwithstanding, that, etc. and let none of you hereafter pray that Heaven may keep her from the Wolves; for they'll not meddle with her these Twelve months I'll warrant you. A propos, now I think on't, you'll see as many Flowers again this Season as in all the other Three; neither shall that man be thought a Fool who'll have wit enough to lay by Money, and get together more of it this Quarter than he will do of Cobwebs in the whole Year. The Griffons and Matrons, men who make the Ways passable in great Snows, and dwell on the Mountains of Savoy, and D●uphiné, and the Hyperborcans, that are perpetually furred with Snow, are to miss this Season and have none on't; for Avicenna tells us, 'tis not Spring till the Snow is melted away on the Mountains. Believe the Liar. I have known the time when men reckoned Ver, or the Spring, to begin when the Sun entered in the first Degree of Aries. If they reckon it otherwise now, I knock under, and Mum's the word.   

CHAP. VIII. Of Summer.  
IN the Summer I can't justly tell you what kind of Wind will blow; but this I know, that it ought to be warm weather then, and now and then a Sea-Breeze. However, if things should fall out otherwise, you must be sure not to curse God; for he is wiser than we, and knows what's fit for us far better than we ourselves; you may take my word for't, whatever Haly and his Gang may have said. It will be a delicious Thing to be merry and drink cool Wine, though some have said there is nothing more contrary to Thirst. I believe it; and indeed Contraria contrariis curantur.   

CHAP. IX. Of Autumn.  
IN Autumn men will make Wine, or before or after it, 'tis all one to me, so we have but good Bub and Nippitati enough; Foul mistakes will then be in season, for many a one will think only to burst at the Broadside by the way of Fizzlecum-funk, and will foully give their Breeches a Clyster with a fecal Decoction. As for those Men and Women who have vowed to fast till the Stars be in the Heavens, they may even from this present hour begin to feed like Farmers by my particular Grant and Dispensation. Neither do they begin of the soon; for those pretty twinkling things have been fixed there above Sixteen thousand and I can't tell how many days, and stuck in to the purpose too, let me tell you. Nor would I have you for the future hope to catch Larks when the Sky falls: For on my Honour that will not happen in your time. Legions of Hypocritical Church-vermin, Cucullated Shame Saints, Pedlars and Hawkers of Pardons, Perpetual Mumpers and Mumblers of Orisons, and other such Gangs of rascally Scoundrels will come out of their Dens. Escape that escape can, say I. Harkee me, take heed also of the Bones whenever you eat Fish, and God preserve you from a Dose of Ratsbane too.   

CHAP. X. Of Winter.  
IN Winter, in my silly Opinion, those men will not be over-wise who'll sell their Furred Gowns, Swans-Skins, and other warm clothes to buy Fuel; neither did the Ancients use to do so, says Avenzovart. If it chance to rain don't fret yourselves, so much the less Dust you'll have when you go abroad. Keep yourselves as hot as Toasts, d'ye hear, beware of Cathars, Drink of the best, till the other sort mend; and pray henceforth sh— no more o' bed. Oh ho! Poultry, do you build your Nests so high?   
The End of the Pantagruelian Prognostication.   

AN EPISTLE BY PANTAGRVEL's Lymosin, Grand Excoriator of the Latiale Tongue, mentioned Book 2. Chap. ●.  
To his own Amicissim residing at the Inclite and Famosissim Urb of Lugdun.  

OUR Auricles, percussed by Fame sonorous,  
Your mirabundous Acts have brought before us.  
Your placid Life, here inaudite before,  
Repletes the Town of Lugdun o'er and o'er.  
Where Nymphs convening three Times thrice Divine  
Prostrate themselves as Votaries at your Shrine.  
Some voluntary fly into your Arms,  
For your Opiparous or Aureous Charms:  
Some, tender Souls! on you themselves obtrude,  
Moved by your Tongue's most melleous Dulcitude.  
Your Phrase, robustly propped, with ease produces  
Fractions in many weak Virgineous Cruises;  
When you're placientated the Fort is won,  
Id est, when e'er ye impel the matter on.   

You therefore, if your Appetite desires  
New Dapes each hour, pursue what that requires.  
If sated with your urban Stale Fruitions,  
Or with your half unnatural Coitions,  
You to your Neighbouring rural Fund migrate,  
And there your Lassate Corpse reanimate.  
There every Joy to you is an Oblation  
In which your Ingeny finds delectation.  
The gay Merule and warbling Philomela,  
To please you, strive each other to excel.  
Their plaisant Notes tristitious Thoughts confound,  
And wake your Soul with their letating sound.   

To that amaene Recess the rural Choir  
Sylvanus, Satyrs, Fauns and Pan retire;  
Gods, Demigods, Nymphs, Dryads, naiads meet,  
And leave their Mansions for your Dulcior Seat;  
And, when the Turb is once accumulate,  
Jucund Jucundity's immensurate.   

With sumptuous Cates Divine Ambrosia joins,  
And Nectar there exuperates all your Wines.  
With this each dry Esurient Guest replete is,  
As at the Feast of Peleus and his Thetis.  
Then All arise, the Tables are sublate;  
In Arbours some themselves refocillate,  
Some in ferine Venation take delight,  
For Cony-caption some have Appetite:  
In fine, Ludes omniform are there invented,  
And every Indoles and Sense contented.  
Pleasure invades, Pain abdicates the mind,  
What more in Heaven can its grand Tenants find!   

While we alas! must still obambulate,  
Sequacious of the Court and Courtier's Fate.  
O most infaust who optates there to live!  
An aulic Life no solid Joys can give.  
We've been cruciated, since your last Migration,  
With an indesinent obequitation:  
Our Boots and Legs have not been separated,  
While we the Burgade Lands have conculcated.  
Lute, Unds and Sands did long our March oppose,  
And asp'rous Rocks, the Bulwarks of our Foes.   

But now I'll not too many Verbs effund,  
Nor with our Ills your Auricles obtund.  
Nor all our Martial Conflicts represent,  
Obsesses, Storms and Fights Sanguinolent;  
When angry Mars Burgundia cicatris'd,  
And Friend with Friend in dolours sympathised.  
desperate of Conquest, through dire Accidents,  
Apart we jaced to th' Aether without Tents.  
At last the kind, though rigid Brume came on,  
The Camp was derelict, and all are gone.  
For when Hybernal Evils appropinque,  
The Legions on their Hybernacles think.   

So, when the Belly Season was expired,  
Wisely the Regal Majesty retired.  
To Fonsbeliaqueus now the Monarch's come.  
The noblest Master to the noblest Dome:  
No more had Nero's matched its noble Pride,  
Than with the King the Tyrant could have vied.  
Were even Diana's Temple raised again,  
The Regal Palace would eclipse the Fane.  
'Tis true, you've oculed it in Times praeterit,  
But every day 't has meliorated merit,  
And Those who supervised it noct hestern,  
In Hodiern boreas, will major Things discern.  
Opining to revise a Structure new,  
Where Art surpassed its self, and Nature too.   

Now, to apply my primary Ingredient,  
That you move huc I think it not expedient:  
For, should you come before the Brume's abated,  
Th' Opime you'd linquish for the Macerated.  
Since, thanks to Jove's Benignity you're valid,  
Choose not a frigid State, while yours is calid.  
Unless Salubrity you vilipend,  
And, from your own, become your Medic's Friend.  
For in veracity these Times denote  
Morbs to the Sane, and Obits to th' Aegrote;  
And alterate the suavest Pulchritude  
To the Complexion of its native Mud.   

Incluse with Sylves behind, and Lakes before us,  
Our outward man wants something that's calorous.  
Scarce one poor Fascicle we can acquire;  
In fine all Solaces from us retire.  
And were we not (in this Extremity)  
Juvated by the Town's proximity  
To which we equitate with maturation,  
And to kind Nature make Sacrification,  
Soon in our Sepulchers we should all hide us;  
For, sure, one Hebdomad would hear occide us.   

By this Imparity you plainly see  
Our Life's Distress, and yours Jucundity;  
Our State's naufrageous and periclitating:  
If then you sape, as we are cogitating,  
Hither till Spring return make no Transition,  
Tho you were stimulated by ambition.  
What tho Honorabilities it offers,  
Large heaps of Numms to fill your largest Coffers,  
Imperial Favor too, and what not else?  
Ample Munificence, and Office celse,  
Such as you execute when here; yet these  
Have no intrinsic Valour, though they please.  
Our means of Life are Pote, and Cibe, and Vest;  
Who jugulates himself for Wealth's a Beast.   

To this Epistle Finis now we'll fix,  
Which to your School a Transit does adnix;  
Where Rules to polish Loquels are prescribed,  
And Doct Verbocination is imbibed;  
Excoriating the Language Latiale.  
To make Reply let not your Calam fail;  
But atrament at large the candid Chart  
With corresponding Rhymes transcending Art.  
Which will to him be th' altest Obligation  
Who is   
Your Serve with maxim Veneration, Desbride Gousier.   

An EPIGRAM.  
ALL strive of late to bring to purity  
Our Tongue, that once lay in Obscurity;  
And, profligating all Barbarity,  
With th' Attic set the French in parity:  
So, to revive its old Nobility,  
They eat the Phrase of our Mobility;  
But, thus disguised, by a Fatality  
'Tis mere excoriated Latiality.   

The Philosophical Cream OF Encyclopedic QUESTIONS By PANTAGRVEL, Which were Sorbonicoficabilitudinissely debated in the Schools of the Decree near St. Denys de la Chartre at PARIS.  
UTrum, A Platonic Idea, hover to the right on the Orifice of the Chaos, might drive away the Squadrons of Democratical Atoms.  
Vtrum, The 
* Bats.  Flickermise flying through the translucidity of the corner'd Gate might, spy-like, discover the Morphean Visions twirling and unwinding in a circular manner the thread of the rete admirabile that wraps up the 
† A certain Fish in the River Pô, which sometimes weighed 1000 pound.  Artili of ill caulked Brains.  
Vtrum, The Atoms turning about at the sound of the Hermagorical Harmony, might make a Compaction or a Dissolution of a Quintessence, by the substraction of the Pythagorical Numbers.  
Vtrum, The Hybernal Frigidity of the Antipodes, passing in an Orthogonal Line, through the homogeneous solidity of the Centre, might warm the superficial Connexity of our heels by a soft Antiperistasis.  
Vtrum, The Tassels of the Torrid Zone might so far be dipped and wetted at the Cataracts of the Nile, as so moisten the most Caustic Parts of the Empyreal Heaven.  
Vtrum, By reason of the long Hair that was bestowed on the Bear at her metamorphosis, if her Breech were but shaved the Italian way à la Bougarone, to make Triton a Beard, she might not be Keeper of the Arctic Pole.  
Utrum, An Elementary Sentence might allege a Decennal Prescription against Amphibious Animals, and è contra the other respectively put in her Petition in case of Seizure and Novelty.  
Vtrum, An Historical Grammar, and Posteriority, by the triad of Articles, might find some Line or Character of their Chronicle on the Zenonian Palm.  
Vtrum, The Genera generalissema, by a violent Elevation over their Predicaments, might crawl and clamber up to the Stories of the Transcendents, and consequently let the special and predicable Species follow, to the unspeakable loss and damage of poor Masters of Arts.  
Vtrum, Proteus that transformed himself into all manner of Shapes, turning himself into a 
* A thick, broadheaded flying Insect, which sits on Trees in Hot Countries, and sings after a skreaking fashion; 'Tis called Cicada in Latin, and therefore mistaken by some here for the Grasshopper.  Cigale, and musically trying his Voice in the Dog-days, might make a third Concoction with Morning-dew carefully bottled up in May, before the full revolution of a Zodiacal Girdle.  
Vtrum, The Black Scorpion might bear a solution of the Continuum in his substance, and, by the effusion of his Blood, darken and blacken the milky way, to the great loss and grief of the Swag-bellied Jacobites.  FRANCISCUS RABELAESUS, Poeta Sitiens, Ponebat. 
Vita, Lyaee, sitis; liquisti, flebis, adures;  
Membra, bominem, tumulum; morte, liquore, face.   

Two Epistles to Two Women of different Humours.  

To an Old Woman.  
OLd toothless, poxed, mischievous Hag of Night;  
Old graceless Witch, who liv'st in Virtue's spite;  
Old treacherous Beldame, burden to the Earth;  
Plots, Broils, and Wars, from thee derive their Birth.  
Old errand Bawd, by whose destructive Trade,  
The Lewd are sold, the Modest are betrayed.  
Honour thou never knewest, thou, living Tomb,  
Whored with thy Father in thy Mother's Womb.  
Thy Charity does like the Devil's prove,  
And damns the Wretches who thy Lewdness love.  
Thy livid Blood with poisonous Rage is swelled,  
Thy Breast with Gall, thy Head with Mischief filled.  
Thou ne'er of any but thyself spoks▪ well,  
And for Detraction even supassest Hell.  
Old Brimstone-Bawd, with Brandy flaming red,  
That mak'st a cursed rank Brothel of thy Bed,  
Propitious to all Malice and Ill-luck,  
That hast a Tet to give the Devil suck;  
Damned Witch, thou dost in Magic far excel  
Medea, and the Blackest Fiends of Hell:  
Thou mak'st thy hideous Phiz more dreadful still,  
But when thou dost, we should thy Hagship kill,  
Lest thy redoubled Ugliness affright,  
And like Medusa's ruin us at sight.  
Thou, Scarlet Whore, ne'er mournest for doing ill;  
Thy only Tears are Rheums, and Wines distilled;  
Thy only sighs are vented at the Bum,  
Outstink a Carrion, and outroar a Drum.  
Old monstrous Hag of matchless, dreadful kind,  
Thou the three Furies in one Body joined.  
Satan outdone by thee does envious grow,  
And longs to burn thee in Revenge below,  
Dissembling Witch, whose Tongue, still muttering, dares  
Mock frowning Heaven with thy unhallowed Prayers.  
Thou, bold bad Spirit, with Satan's borrowed Force,  
Pretendest to turn a rapid River's Course,  
With Spells to paleness fright th'astonished Moon,  
And darken quite the blushing Sun at Noon.  
Base murdering Sorceress, with relentless heart,  
On Innocence thou try'st thy cursed Art,  
Bewitching Infants in their Mother's Arms,  
And Death alone can end the painful Charms.  
No God thou ownest but thy infatiate Gut,  
Thou mak'st each Trull turn up her filthy Scut.  
Pity thou slightest, by Pity thou'rt abhorred,  
And more deserv'dst a Faggot than a Cord.  
Thy cruel heart with Rancour has its Load,  
Natural to thee as Poison to a Toad.  
Thou worst of Mischiefs, guide to endless Death,  
Who scatt'rest Plagues with thy contagious Breath,  
Canst thou expect unpunished to remain,  
And for each Crime to scape a double pain?  
Millions against thee will in Judgement rise,  
And loudly call for Vengeance to the Skies.  
Those whom thy Arts to lawless Flames decoyed,  
Shall be below to burn thy Soul employed.  
But thou'rt the worst of Hells for impious Deeds,  
Tother perhaps in Punishments exceeds,  
Prepare, prepare for its revenging Pains,  
There to be racked in everlasting Chains,  
Tremble, and loudly to the Mountains call,  
That they may gape, and crush thee with their fall:  
For still thy latter Sins the first excel,  
And, living on, thou'lt grow too bad for Hell.  
Damned Harridan, with reeking Lust more drunk  
Than M●ssaline, that great Imperial Punk;  
ne'er tired nor sated, thou out dost her more  
Than she out did the out most stint of Whore.  
Thy sweaty Carcase (which kind Heaven confound!)  
With noisome Steams offends us all around,  
Old drunken Pisspot, Sink of Filth and Sin,  
Plaster without, and Rottenness within,  
Cursed lump of Lees, thou universal Sore,  
Thou putrid Product of the Common-shore,  
Thou lowest last degree of Infamy,  
Thou very highest top of Villainy;  
Repent, or know I'll double every Curse;  
But no, thou canst not mend, nor ere be worse.   

An Epistle to another Woman of a quite different Humour.  
HAil! Reverend Matron, virtuous as you're fair:  
Hail! you, whose Autumn may with Spring compare;  
Matron, adorned so richly in your mind  
That in your Looks the Treasures we may find.  
With Pious Doctrine you your Faith improve,  
eat idle talk, and Books of idler Love,  
And setting Vice and needless Forms apart,  
Your suffering God engrave within your heart  
While you on Earth a heavenly Saint commence,  
Your Charity is like the World immense;  
Ready to ease th' Afflicted of their Load,  
At awful distance ye imitate your God.  
So sweet, so modest, and so void of Pride,  
That even that God does own you for his Bride.  
You to all Folly wisely shut your Eyes,  
And dare the world's alluring Joys despise.  
That Sacred Writ alone is your delight,  
Which saves the Soul from everlasting night.  
You Temper still, yet never to a fault,  
Your Wine with Water, and your Words with Thought.  
And never cherished an unchaste Desire,  
Or could be warmed but by the Nuptial Fire;  
But, waiting for your Saviour, pass away  
In Prayers 〈◊〉 the Night, in Pious Acts the Day.  
In Faith, in Piety alone extreme,  
You eat Applause, yet best deserve Esteem.  
The Prophet's great Inspirer fills your Breast;  
Your Head, your Heart, by the Whole God possessed.  
While some unthinking Virgins are betrayed,  
And made Proficients in Hell's thriving Trade,  
Your wise Advice, your great Example, draws  
The thoughtless Wretches out of Satan's Jaws.  
Matron, in Wedlock faithful and sedate,  
An honour to that honourable State,  
Not weakness made you wed, but Piety,  
Thus to increase the Saints Society.  
Those wanton Toys could ne'er your heart entice,  
Which stifle Virtue, and encourage Vice.  
Matron, whom All the Christian Pallas term,  
Wise is your Conduct, and your Courage firm.  
I prize, admire, and love your matchless store,  
Your outward Beauties much, your inward Graces more.  
From Heaven you came, and to that Heaven are born,  
Virtue adorns you, Virtue you adorn.  
Oh that I may, even till my latest hours,  
Advance in Knowledge, contemplating yours.  
May you obtain below what Earth can crave!  
What Heaven can grant, above, you're sure to have!    

LETTERS Written by FRANCIS RABELAIS, M.D. During his stay in ITALY, In the Year 1536.  

LETTER I. To my Lord Bishop of Maillezais.  
My Lord,  
I Writ to you at large on the Nine and twentieth of November, and sent you some Naples-grain for your Salads, of every sort that is eaten on this side, except Pimpernell, which then I could not procure. I have sent you no great quantity at present, because it had been too much for the Courier at one time; but if you please to have more, either for your Gardens, or to dispose of otherwise, I will send it you upon notice. I had written to you before, and sent to you the four Signatures concerning the Benefices of Friar Dom. Philip, obtained in the name of those whom you had set down in the Instructions you gave me. I have not received since any Letter from you that mentions the receipt of the aforesaid Signatures. I received only one dated from l' Ermenaud, when my Lady d'Estissac came thither, in which you let me know that you had received two Pacquets from me; one from Ferrara, t'other from this City, with the cipher which I writ to you: But for aught I understand, you had not yet received the Packet where the Signatures were enclosed. I can now give you an account, that my Business has been granted and dispatched better, and with more certainty, than I could have wished; and I have had therein the assistance and advice of Worthy men. Particularly of the Cardinal de Genutiis, who is Judge of the Palace, and of the Cardinal Simonetta, who was Auditor of the Chamber, a very knowing man, and well versed in such matters. The Pope was of opinion that I should proceed in my Business per cameram: The abovementioned Cardinals were of a mind, that it should be by the Court of Contradicts: Because, that in foro contentioso, it cannot be revocable in France, and Quae per contradictoria transiguntur transeunt in rem judicatam; quae autem per Cameram, & impugnari p●ssunt, & in judicium veniunt. Those things which are transacted by Contradictories, pass as determined; but those things which are done by the Chamber, may be called into question, and tried over again.  
Upon the whole I have nothing more to do, than to take up the Bulls sub plumbo.  
My Lord Cardinal du Bellay, as likewise my Lord Bishop of Mascon, have assured me that the Charges shall be remitted me, though the Pope by old custom remits nothing except of what is dispatched per cameram. There will remain to be paid, only the Referendaries, Proctors, and other such like Scribblers and Blotters of Parchment. If my Money falls short, I will recommend myself to your Lordship's Alms; for I don't think to leave this Place till the Emperor goes.  
He is at present at Naples, whence, as he has written to the Pope, he will part on the Sixth of January. This Town is already full of Spaniards: And he has sent an Extraordinary Ambassador to the Pope besides him who constantly resides at this Court to give him notice of his coming. The Pope leaves him half the Palace, and all the Borough of St. Peter for his Retinue, and has ordered three thousand Beds to be prepared, according to the Roman Custom, that is to say, with Quilts: For the City has been unprovided of 'em ever since it was sacked by the Lanskenets. He has got together as much Hay, Straw, Oats, Spelt-Corn and Barley as he could find, and of Wine as much as is arrived in ripâ: I fancy he'll be at no small charge, which can't be very easy to him in this his great Poverty, so apparent in him, more than in any Pope for these Three hundred years past. The Romans have not yet resolved, how to behave themselves upon this occasion, and have had many meetings, by order of the Senators, Conservators and Governor: but they can't agree in their Opinions. The Emperor has declared to 'em by his said Ambassador, that he does not design his people shall be entertained at free-cost, but as the Pope shall think fit to entertain 'em, which does the more sensibly touch the Pope: For he understands well enough, that by this saying the Emperor means to see, how and with what affection he will treat him and his People.  
The Holy Father has sent two Legates to him by the choice of the Consistory, to wit, Cardinal of Sienna, and Cardinal Cesarini. Since which, the Cardinals Salviat● and Rodolph, are also gone to him, and with them my Lord de Saintes. I understand 'tis about the Affair of Florence, and concerning the Difference between the Duke Alexander de Medicis and Philip Str●ssi, whose Estate, which is considerable, the Duke had a mind to confiscate. Next to the Fourques of Ausbourg in Germany, he is counted the richest Merchant in Christendom; and the Duke has set People here to poison or kill him whatever came on't. Being advertised of this Attempt, he obtained of the Pope to go armed. And he commonly went attended with thirty Soldiers armed at all Points. The said Duke of Florence having notice (I suppose) that Strossi, with the abovementioned Cardinals, was gone to the Emperor, and that he offered to the Emperor Four hundred thousand Ducats, only to give Commissions to People who might inform against the Tyranny and baseness of the said Duke, left Florence, constituted Cardinal Ciho his Governor, and came to this City the morrow after Christmas-day, the twenty third hour, entering at St. Peter's Gate, followed by fifty light Horse, in white Armour, with Lances, and about a hundred Harquebusiers. The rest of his Train was but little, and in no very good order. And no soul went to receive him, but the Emperor's Ambassador, who met him at the same gate. As soon as he was in Town he came to the Palace, and had a short Audience of the Pope. And had Lodgings in St. George's Palace. The next morning he went away attended as before.  
Eight days since, news came to this Town, and his Holiness has received Letters from divers parts, that the Sophy, King of Persia, has defeated the Army of the Turks. Yesterday night arrived here the Nephew of Monsieur de Vely, the King's Ambassador to the Emperor, who assured my Lord Cardinal du Bellay, that the thing was really true: And that this has been the greatest slaughter that has been heard of these Four hundred years: For above Forty thousand Horse were killed on the Turk's side.  
Consider what a number of Foot sell there! As likewise on the Sophy's side. For, among People that do not willingly fly, Non solet esse incruenta Victoria. The Victory does not use to be without blood.  
The principal Defeat was near a little Town called Coni, not far distant from the great City of Tauris,, for which the Sophi and the Turk contend; the other Action was near a place called Betelis. The manner was thus, The Turks had divided their Army, and one part was sent to take Coni; of which the Sophi having intelligence, he, with his whole Army, rushed upon this separated part before they could stand upon their guard.  
See here the effect of ill Counsel, in dividing his Army before he had gotten the Victory The French can give a good account of this, when the Duke of Albany drew out the Strength and Flower of the Camp before Pavia. Upon the News of this Rout and Defeat, Barbarossa is retired to Constantinople to secure the Country, and says by his good gods, That this is nothing considering the mighty Power of the Turk. But the Emperor is eased of the fear that he had of the Turk's coming into Sicily, as he had threatened at the beginning of the Spring. And this may give repose to Christendom for some considerable time; and those who would lay Tithes upon the Church, eo pretextu, that they would fortify themselves against the approach of the Turk, are but ill furnished with demonstrative Arguments.   

LETTER II.  
My Lord,  
I Have received Letters from Monsieur de Saint Cerdos, dated from Dijon, in which he tells me of a Process that he has depending in this Court of Rome. I dare not answer him, without running the hazard of incurring a great deal of displeasure. But I understand he has the greatest right in the World, and that he suffers a manifest injury; and that he ought to come hither in person. For there is no such Affair, how equitable soever, that is not lost for want of a man's own soliciting in it; especially when he has a strong party, who can overawe with Threats those that solicit for him. The want of a cipher prevents my writing to you more at large. But it troubles me to see so much as I do, particularly, being sensible of the great kindness you have for him; and likewise because he has of a long time loved and favoured me. In my opinion Monsieur de Basilac, Conseiller (one of the Judge's Assistants) in the Parliament of Tholouse, came hither this Winter on a less occasion, and is older and more infirm than he, and yet has had a quick dispatch to his content.   

LETTER III.  
My Lord,  
THE Duke of Ferrara, who went to the Emperor at Naples, returned hither this morning. I know not yet how he has determined matters relating to the investiture and homage of his Lands. But I understand he is come back not well satisfied with the Emperor. I fear he will be forced to empty his Coffers of those Crowns his Father left him, and that the Pope and Emperor will fleece him at pleasure; considering also that it was above six months before he refused to espouse the King's Interest, notwithstanding all the Emperor's Remonstrances and Threats. My Lord Bishop of Lymoges, who was the King's Ambassador at Ferrara, seeing the said Duke without acquainting him with his Design was retired to the Emperor, is returned to France. 'Tis feared that 
* Renée of France, Duchess of Ferrara.  My Lady Renée will receive no little displeasure by it: The Duke having removed Madam de Soubise her Governess, and ordered her to be served by Italians, which don't look well.   

LETTER IU.  
My Lord,  
THree days since arrived here a Post from Monsieur de Crissé, who brings an Account that some of the Lord Rance's men, who went to the relief of Geneva, were defeated by a Party of the Duke of Savoy's. With him came a Courier from Savoy, who brought the News of it to the Emperor. This may unhappily prove SEMINARIUM FUTURI BELLI, the cause of an ensuing War. For these little wilful Broils draw after them great Battles, which is demonstrable from Ancient History, as well Greek and Roman as French, as appears by the Battle at Vireton.   

LETTER V.  
My Lord,  
ABout fifteen days since, Andrew Doria, who went with Stores to those who hold the Gouletta near Tunis for the Emperor, as likewise to supply them with Water. (for the Arabians of the Country make continual war upon them, and they dare not stir out of their Garrison,) is arrived at Naples, where he stayed not above three days with the Emperor, since when, he is sailed hence with Nine and twenty Galleys. 'Tis said, in quest of Judeo and Cacciadiavolo, who have burnt a great deal of the Country of Sardinia and Minorca. The Grand Master of Rhodes, who was born in Piedmont, is lately dead; in whose room the Commandeur of Forton between Montauban and Tholouse, is chosen.   

LETTER VI.  
My Lord,  
I Here send you a Book of Prognostications, which busies this whole Town, 'Tis entitled, De eversione Europae, of the overturning of Europe. For my part, I give no credit at all to it. But Rome was never seen so wholly given over to Vanities and Prophecies, as it is at present. I am apt to think the reason is, because Mobile mutatur semper cum principe vulgus. The Giddy multitude always change with the Prince. I have also send you an Almanac for the ensuing Year 1536. I send you besides, the Copy of a Brief which his Holiness has lately decreed for the arrival of the Emperor: As likewise the Emperor's Entry into Messina and Naples, and the Funeral Oration at the Interment of the deceased Duke of Milan.  
My Lord, I humbly recommend myself to your good favour, praying to our Lord for your good health and long life.  
Rome, Dec. 30. 1536.   

LETTER VII. To the Lord de Maillezais.  
My Lord,  
I Have received the Letterrs you were pleased to write to me, dated the second of December: By which I understand that my two Pacquets are come to your hands; one of the Eighteenth, the other of the Two and twentieth of October, with the four Signatures which I sent you. I writ since to you more at large, on the Nine and twentieth of November, and Thirtieth of December. By this time, I believe, you have received the said Pacquets. For Mr. Michael Parmentier, Bookseller, living at the Arms of Basil, writ to me the fifth of this Instant, that he had received and sent them to Poitiers. You may assure yourself, that the Pacquets which I shall send you will be safely delivered at Lions; for I put them into the great sealed Packet, which is for the King's Affairs, and when the Courier comes to Lions, he is dispatched by the Governor; then his Secretary, who is much my Friend, takes the Packet which I superscribe on the first Sheet, to the aforesaid Michael Parmentier. Afterwards there is no difficulty, unless from Lions to Poitiers, which is the reason that obliges me to set an extraordinary Postage upon it, that the greater care may be taken of it by the Messengers at Poitiers, in hopes to get a Spill by it. For my part, I constantly encourage this same Parmentier with some small Presents, which I send him of Novelties on this side, or to his Wife, that he may be the more diligent to engage Merchants or Messengers at Poitiers to deliver the Pacquets to your Lordship. And I very much approve of the advice which you gave me in your Letter, that I should not trust them to the hands of the Banquiers, for fear they should be picked and broke op●n. I think 'twill not be amiss, the first time you write to me, especially, if it be business of Consequence, that you write a Line to the said Parmentier, and enclose a piece of Gold to him in your Letter, in consideration of the Care he takes to send your Pacquets to me, and mine to you. A small matter sometimes highly obliges honest Men, and makes 'em more diligent for the time to come, when the Case requires a speedy dispatch.   

LETTER VIII.  
My Lord,  
I Have not as yet presented your Letters to my Lord Bishop de Saintes, for he is not yet returned from Naples, whither he went with the Cardinals Salviati and Rodolph. He will return in two days; then I will give him your Letters, and desire an Answer of 'em, which I will send you by the first Courier that goes hence. I understand their Affairs have not had that success with the Emperor which they hoped for: And that the Emperor had positively answered, That at their Request and Instance, as likewise, at the late Pope Clement's, he had created Alexander de Medicis Duke of the Territories of Florence and Pisa, which he never thought to do, nor would have done: Meanwhile to depose him, would be the trick of some Stage-player, which does and undoes the same thing. However, that they should resolve to acknowledge him as their Duke and Lord, and obey him as his Vassals and Subjects, and be sure they did so. As to the Complaints they made against the said Duke, he would take Cognizance of them when he came to Florence.  
For he designs after some stay at Rome, to pass through Sienna, and thence to Florence, to Bolonia, to Milan, and Genoa. Thus the aforesaid Cardinals, together with the Bishop of Xaintes, Strossy, and some others, returned, re infectâ, [as wise as they went.]  
The Thirteenth of this Month, came back hither the Cardinals of Sienna and Caesarini, who had been Elected by the Pope, and the whole College, Legates to the Emperor. They have so negotiated the Matter, that the Emperor has deferred his coming hither to the latter end of February. If I had as many Crowns, as the Pope would give days of Pardon, Proprio motu, de lenitudine potestatis; Of his own free Will, out of the Lenity of his Power, and other such like favourable Circumstances, to any one that could defer it for five or six years to come, I should be richer than ever was Jaques Coeur. Here are great Preparations made in this City for his Reception; and a new way is made by the Pope's Command, by which he is to make his Entry; that is, through St. Sebastian's Gate, towards Champ-doli, Templum pacis, the Temple of Peace, and the Amphitheatre, and he is to pass under the Ancient Triumphal Arches of Constantine and Titus, of Numetianus, and others. Then on one side of St. Mark's Palace, by Campo de Fiore, and by the Palace Farnese, where the Pope used to Reside, then by the Banks, and below St. Angelo's Castle. To make and levelly which way, above Two hundred Houses, and three or four Churches, are pulled down to the Ground, which most People take for an ill Omen. On the day of the Conversion of St. Paul, his Holiness went to St. Paul's to hear Mass, and made a Feast to all the Cardinals. After Dinner he returned passing through the abovementioned way, and lodged at St. George's Palace. But 'tis a sad sight to behold the Ruins of the demolished Houses that are not paid for, nor have the Landlords any recompense made 'em.  
To day arrived here the Venetian Ambassadors, four brave old gray-headed Gentlemen, who are going to the Emperor at Naples. The Pope has sent all his Family before 'em; His Bed chambermen, Chamberlains, Janissaries, Lanskenets; and the Cardinals have sent their Mules in Pontificalibus.  
Likewise, the 7th of this Month, the Ambassadors of Sienna were introduced in good order, and after they had made their Speech in open Consistory, and that the Pope had answered 'em in fine Latin, they suddenly parted for Naples. I believe Ambassadors will be sent for all Parts of Italy to the Emperor, and he knows well enough how to play his Game, to get Money out of 'em, as it has been discovered about ten days since. But I am not yet fully acquainted with the Subtlety which ('tis said) he made use of at Naples; hereafter I may give you an account of it.  
The Prince of Piedmont, the Duke of Savoy's Eldest Son, died at Naples fifteen days ago; the Emperor ordered him a very honourable Interment, at which he assisted in Person.  
The King of Portugal, six days since, commanded his Ambassador at Rome, that immediately upon receipt of his Letter, he should return to him in Portugal, which he did the same hour, and came ready Booted and Spurred to take his leave of the Most Reverend the Lord Cardinal du Bellay. Two days after, was killed near the Bridge of St. Angelo, in open day, a Portugese Gentleman, who solicited here for the whole Body of the Jews that were baptised under King Emanuel, and have been since molested by the present King of Portugal, that he might succeed to their Estates when they died. That King has also exacted several things of them against the Edict and Ordinance of the King Emanuel. I doubt we shall hear of some Sedition in Portugal.   

LETTER IX.  
My Lord,  
IN the last Packet I sent you, I gave you an account, that part of the Turk's Army was defeated by the Sophy, near Betelis. The Turk did not very long delay his Revenge; for two Months after, he fell upon the Sophy with the greatest Fury imaginable; and after having put to Fire and Sword, a great part of the Country of Mesopotamia, he has driven back the Sophy on the other side of Mount Taurus. In the mean time, he causes a great number of Galleys to be built upon the River Tanais, by which they may come to Constantinople. Barbarossa is still at Constantinople to secure the Country, and has left several Garrisons at Bona and Algiers, lest the Emperor should by chance Attack him. I have sent you his Picture, drawn by the Life; as also the Map of Tunis, and of the Sea-port-towns adjacent. The Lanskenets, whom the Emperor sent into the Duchy of Milan to keep the strong Places, are all drowned and lost at Sea, to the number of fifteen hundred, in one of the biggest and stoutest Ships belonging to the Genoeses, and it was near to a Port belonging to the Commonwealth of Lucca, called Lerza. The occasion was; because they being weary of the Sea, and desirous to get ashore, which they could not for the Tempest and Stress of Wether, imagined that the Pilot of the Ship would still keep them off at Sea, longer than he needed: For which cause they killed him, with some other of the Officers of the said Ship, after whose Death the Ship remained without a Commander; and instead of taking in their Sails, the Lanskenets hoist them, as being unpractised in Sea-affairs, and in this Confusion they perished within a stone's throw of the aforesaid Port.  
My Lord, I understand that my Lord Bishop de l' Avaur, who was the King's Ambassador at Venice, has had his Audience of Leave, and is returning to France. The Bishop of Rhodez goes in his place, and is now at Lions with all his Retinue ready to go, when the King has given him his Instructions.  
My Lord, I humbly recommend myself to your Favour, praying to our Lord, to give you a long Life in good Health.  
Rome, Jan. 28. 1536. Your most humble Servant, Francis Rabelais.   

LETTER X.  
My Lord,  
I Writ to you at large all the News I could learn, the 28th of January last past, by a Gentleman, Servant to Monsieur de Montrevil, called Tremeliere, who returned from Naples, where he had bought some Horses of that Kingdom for his Lord, and was returning to him with all speed. The same day I received the Packet that you were pleased to send me from Legugé, dated the 10th of the said Month, in which you may see the method I have taken for the delivery of your Letters, by which they are safely and suddenly brought to me here. Your said Letters and Packet, were delivered at the Arms of Basil, on the one and twentieth of the same Month, the eight and twentieth they were delivered to me here. And to encourage at Lions, (for that's the Point and principal Place) the Bookseller at the Arms of Basil to be diligent in this Affair, I repeat what I writ to you in my aforementioned Packet, if you chance to write to me about any thing of Consequence: That it is my advice, that on the first occasion of writing to me, you write a word or two to him in a Letter, in which be pleased to enclose some Gold-crowns, or some other piece of old Gold, as a Royal, an Angel or Salutation, in consideration of the pains and care he takes of them, so small a matter will more and more endear him to your Service.  
Now, to Answer your Letters, I have diligently searched the Registers of the Palace, since the time that you commanded me, that is, the year 1529, 1530, and 1531, to see if Dom. Phillippe's Act of Resignation to his Nephew were to be found, and have given the Clerks of the Register two Gold-crowns, which is but a small recompense for the great and tedious Trouble in it. In short, they have found nothing of it, nor ever heard news of his Procurations; wherefore I doubt there is some foul play in his Case, or the Instructions you writ to me were not sufficient to find find. And that I may be more certified in it, you should tell me, cujus Diocesis, of what Diocese the said Friar Dom. Phillippe was, and if you have heard nothing to give more light in the matter, as if it was pure & simpliciter, or causâ permutationis.   

LETTER XI.  
My Lord,  
WHat I writ to you of my Lord Cardinal du Bellays Answer, when I presented him your Letters, ought not to displease your Lordship. My Lord of Mascon has sent you an Account of the whole Matter, and we are not yet like to have a Legate in France. 'Tis certain, that the King has presented the Cardinal of Lorraine to the Pope. But I believe, that the Cardinal du B●llay will endeavour by all means possible to get it for himself. The old Proverb is true▪ which says, Nemo sibi secundus. And I shrewdly suspect by certain signs that I see, that my Lord Cardinal du B●llay will engage the Pope on his behalf, and thus be made acceptable to the King. Nevertheless be not uneasy, if his Answer be a little ambiguous in your concern.   

LETTER XII.  
My Lord,  
THe Grains which I sent you, I can assure you, are the best of Naples, of the same which his Holiness has caused to be sowed in his Privy-Garden of Belveder. There are no other kinds of Salads on this side but those of Nasidord and Arroussa, but those of Legugé seem to me altogether as good, and somewhat more sweet and grateful to the Stomach, and particularly better for you; for those of Naples, in my opinion, are too hot and tough.  
As for the Season for sowing 'em, you must caution your Gardeners not to sow 'em altogether so early as they do on this side, for it is not warm Wether so soon with you as here. They may very well sow your Salads twice a year, that is to say, in Lent, and in November; and they may sow the white Cards or Thistles in August and September; the Melons, Pompions, and the others in March; fencing them for some days with Mats, and a thin Layer of Horse-dung, not altogether rotten, when they fear it will freeze. Many other Grains besides are sold here, as Alexandria Gillyflowers, Matronal-Violets, and Shrubs, with which they refresh their Chambers in the Summer, called Belvedere, and other Physical Herbs. But this would be more for my Lady d'Estissac's turn. If you please to have of all sorts, I will send them you without fail. But I am forced to have recourse again to your Alms; for the Thirty Crowns which you ordered to be paid me here, are almost gone, yet I have converted none of them to any ill use, nor for eating, for I Eat and Drink at my Lord Cardinal du Bellays, or at my Lord of Masc●n's. But a great deal of Money goes away in these silly Postage of Letters, Chamber-rent, and wearing Apparel, though I am as frugal as I can be. If you will be pleased to send me a Bill of Exchange, I hope I shall make use of it wholly to your Service, and not remain ungrateful. I see in this City a thousand pretty cheap things, which are brought from Cyprus, Candia, and Constantinople. If you think fit, I will send what I think fittest of them to you and my Lady d'Estissac. The Carriage from hence to Lions will cost nothing.  
Thanks be to God I have made an end of my business, and it has cost me no more than the taking out of the Bulls, his Holiness having, of his own good Nature, given me the Composition. And I believe you will find the Proceedings right enough, and that I have obtained nothing by them, but what is just and lawful. But I have been obliged to advise very much with able Counsel, that every thing might be according to due form; and I dare modestly tell you, that I have in a manner hardly made use of my Lord Cardinal du Bellay, or my Lord Ambassador, though out of their kindness, they not only offered me their own good Word and Favour, but absolutely to make use of the King's Name.   

LETTER XIII.  
My Lord,  
I Have not as yet presented your first Letters to the Bishop of Saintes, for he is not yet returned from Naples, whither he went as I writ to you before. He is expected here within these three days: Then I will give him your second, and entreat an Answer of it. I understand, that neither he, nor the Cardinals Salviati, and Rodolph, nor Philip Stozzi with his Money, have done any thing with the Emperor in their Affair, though they were willing to pay him a Million of Gold upon the Nail, in the Name of all the Foreigners and Exiles of Florence, also to finish la Rocca [the Fortress] begun at Florence, to maintain a sufficient Garrison in it for ever in the Name of the Emperor, and to pay him yearly an Hundred thousand Ducats, provided and upon Condition he restored them to their former Goods, Lands, and Liberty.  
On the contrary, the Duke of Florence was most honourably received by him at his arrival, the Emperor went out before him, and, Post manus oscula, he ordered him to be attended to the Castle of Capua in the same Town, where his Natural Daughter has an Apartment; she is affianced to the said Duke of Florence, by the Prince of Salerne, Viceroy of Naples, the Marquis de Vast, the Duke D'Alva, and other Principal Lords of his Court. He held discourse with her as long as he stayed, Kissed her, and Supped with her; afterwards the abovementioned Cardinals, the Bishop of Xaintes and Strozzi never left soliciting The Emperor has put them off for a final Resolution to his coming to that Town, to the Rocca, which is a place of prodigious Strength, that the Duke has built at Florence. Over the Portico he has caused an Eagle to be painted with Wings as large as the Sails of the Windmills of Mirebalais, thereby declaring and insinuating, that he holds of no body but the Emperor. And in fine, he has so cunningly carried on his Tyranny, that the Florentines have declared before the Emperor, nomine Communitatis [in the Name of the Commonalty] that they will have no other Lord but him. 'Tis certain, that he has severely punished the Foreigners and Exiles. A Pasquil has been lately set up, wherein 'tis said, 

To Strozzi,  
Pugna pro patriâ. [Fight for thy Country.]   

To Alezander Duke of Florence,  
Datum serva. [What's given thee, keep.]   

To the Emperor,  
Quae nocitura tenes quamvis fint chara relinque.  
Quit what will hurt thee, though 'tis ne'er so dear.   

To the King,  
Quod potes id tenta.  
Dare what thou canst.   

To the Cardinals Salviati and Rodolph,  
Hos brevitas sensus fecit conjungere bines.  
Pure want of Sense unites these Blocks,  
As petty Tradesmen join their Stocks.     

LETTER XIV.  
My Lord,  
I Writ to you, that the Duke of Ferrara is returned from Naples, and retired to Ferrara. Her Highness, the Lady Renee, is brought to Bed of a Daughter; she had another fine Daughter before, between Six and Seven years of Age, and a little Son of Three years old. He could not agree with the Pope, because he demanded an excessive Sum of Money for the Investiture of his Lands. Notwithstanding, he had abated fifty thousand Crowns for the love of the said Lady, and this by the Solicitations of my Lords the Cardinals du Bellay and Mascon, still to increase the Conjugal Affection of the said Duke towards her. This was the occasion of Lion Jamet's coming to this Town, and they only differed for Fifteen thousand Crowns; but they could not agree, because the Pope would have him acknowledge, that he held and possessed all his Lands entirely in see of the Apostolical See, which the other would not. For he would acknowledge no more than his deceased Father had acknowledged, and what the Emperor had adjudged at Bolonia, by a Decree in the time of the deceased Pope Clement.  
Thus he departed, re infectâ, [without doing any thing,] and went to the Emperor, who promised him at his coming, that he would easily make the Pope consent, and come to the Point contained in his said Decree; and that he should go home, leaving an Ambassador with him, to solicit the Affair when he came on this side, and that he should not pay the Sum already agreed upon, before he heard further from him. The Craft lies here, that the Emperor wants Money, and seeks it on all hands, and Taxes all the world he can, and borrows it from all Parts. When he comes hither, he will demand some of the Pope, 'tis a plain case. For he will represent to him, That he has made all these Wars against the Turk and Barberossa, to secure Italy and the Pope, and that he must of necessity contribute to it. The Pope will answer, That he has no Money, and will manifestly prove his Poverty to him. Then the Emperor without disbursing any thing, will demand the Duke of Ferrara 's of him, which he knows he may command at a word, and this is the Mystery of the Matter. Yet 'tis not certain whether things will be managed thus or no.   

LETTER XV.  
My Lord,  
YOu ask whether the Lord Pietro Ludovico, is the Pope's Legitimate Son or Bastard; be assured, the Pope was never married, which is as much as to say, that the aforesaid Gentleman is certainly a Bastard; The Pope had a very beautiful Sister. There is to be seen to this day, at the Palace in that Apartment where the Summists reside, built by Pope Alexander, an Image of our Lady, which ('tis said) was drawn after that Gentlewoman: She was married to a Gentleman, Cousin to the Lord Rance, who being in the War, in the Expedition of Naples, the said Pope Alexander ***: Now the Lord Rance having certain knowledge of the thing, gave notice of it to his Cousin, Telling him, that be ought not to suffer such a wrong done to their Family by a Spanish Pope; and that if he would endure it, he himself would not. In short, her Husband killed her; for which Fact the present Pope grieved: And to assuage his Sorrow, Alexander made him a Cardinal, being yet but very young, and bestowed several other Marks of his favour upon him.  
At that time the Pope kept a Roman Lady della Casa Ruffina, and by her had a Daughter who was married to the Lord Bauge, Count of Sancta Fiore, who died in this Town since I came hither. By her he has had one of the two little Cardinals (who is called the Cardinal of Sancta Fiore.) The Pope likewise had a Son, who is the said Pietro Ludovico, concerning whom you inquire, who has married the Daughter of the Count de Cervelle, on whom he has got a whole Houseful of Children, and among others the little Cardinalicule Farnese, who was made Vicechancellor by the death of the late Cardinal de Medicis. By what is said you may judge, why the Pope did not very well love the Lord Rance, and vice versâ, [on the other side] the Lord Rance put no great confidence in him: Whence arises a great quarrel between my Lord John-Paul de Cere, Son to the said Lord Rance, and the abovenamed Petro Ludivico, for he is resolved to revenge the death of his Aunt.  
But he is quit of it on the part of the said Lord Rance, for he died the Eleventh day of this Month, going a Hunting, in which he extremely delighted, old as he was. The occasion was this, He had got some Turkish Horses from the Fairs of Racana, and as he was hunting on one of them that was very tender-mouthed, it fell, tumbled over him, and bruised him with the Saddlebow so severely, that he did not live above half an hour after the fall. This was a great loss to the French, for the King in him has lost a good Servant for his Affairs in Italy: 'Tis rightly said, that the Lord John-Paul his Son will be no less hereafter. But it will be a long time ere he gets such Experience in feats of Arms, or so great a Reputation among the Commanders and Soldiers, as the late brave man had. I wish with all my heart that my Lord d'Estissac, by his death, had the County of Pontoise; For, 'tis said, it brings a good Revenue.  
To assist at the Funeral, and to comfort the Marchioness his Wife, my Lord Cardinal has sent to Ceres, near Twenty miles from this Town, my Lord de Rambovillet and the Abbot of St. Nicaise, who was a near Kinsman to the deceased (I believe you have seen him at Court) he is a little man, all life, who was called the Archdeacon of the Ursins; Besides, he has sent some others of his Prothonotaries; which likewise my Lord of Mascon has done.   

LETTER XVI.  
My Lord,  
I Defer to my next to give you more at large the News concerning the Emperor; for his Design is not yet perfectly discovered. He is still at Naples, but is expected here by the end of this Month. Great preparations are made for his coming, and abundance of Triumphal Arches. His four Harbingers have been a good while here in Town; two of them Spaniards, one Burgundian, and the fourth a Fleming.  
'Tis great pity to see the Ruins of the Churches, Palaces and Houses which the Pope has caused to be demolished and pulled down to make and levelly him a way. For the Charges of his Reception he has laid a Tax on the College of Cardinals, on those who have Places at Court, and the Artificers of the Town as much as the very Aquarols. The Town is already full of Foreigners.  
On the Fifth of this Month the Cardinal of Trent (Tridentinus) arrived, being sent here by the Emperor. His Train is very numerous, and more sumptuous than the Pope's. He had with him above a hundred Germane all dressed alike; their Gowns were Red, with a Yellow galoon; and on their right Sleeve was embroidered a Wheat-sheave tied close, and round it was written VNITAS.  
I hear he is much for Peace, and reconciling all the Christian Princes. He eagerly desires a General Council, whatever is done in other matters. I was present when he said to my Lord Cardinal du Bellay: His Holiness, the Cardinals, Bishops and Prelates of the Church are against a Council, and will by no means hear any thing of it, though they are pressed by Secular Princes on that Subject; but I see the Time at hand when the Prelates of the Church shall be reduced to demand a Council, and the Laity will not hearken to it. This will be when the Latter have taken from the Church all the Wealth and Patrimony which they had given, while Ecclesiastics by the means of frequent Councils maintained Peace and Unity among the Laity.  
Andrew Doria came to this Town on the Third of this Month in no very good Equipage. No manner of particular respect was shown him at his Arrival, save only that the Lord Pietro Ludovico conducted him as far as the Palace of the Cardinal Camerlingo, who is a Genoese, of the House of Spinola. The next day he saluted the Pope, and the day after went away for Genoa, on the Emperor's behalf, to inform himself underhand concerning the Dispositions of the French about the War.  
We have had here a positive Account of the Old Queen of England's Death; and they add, That the Princess her Daughter lies very ill.  
However, The Bull that was to be issued out against the King of England to excommunicate him, and to interdict and proscribe his Kingdom, did not pass at the Consistory, because of the Articles, De commeatibus externorian & commerciis mutuis, Of the Passages of Foreigners and Mutual Intercourses, which my Lord Cardinal Du Bellay and the Bishop of Mascon opposed in the King's name, on account of the Interests which he pretends to have in it. It has been put off till the Emperor's Arrival.  
My Lord, I most humbly recommend myself to your kind Favour, praying God that it may please him to keep you long in health and prosperity.  
Rome, Feb. 13. MDXXXVI. Your Lordship's most humble Servant, Francis Rabelais.   
The End of the Letters.   

THE CONTENTS.  

The Fourth Book of Pantagruel.  
CHap. 1. How Pantagruel went to Sea, to visit the Oracle of Bacbuc, alias the Holy Bottle. pag. 1  
Chap. 2. How Pantagruel bought many Rarities in the Island of Medamothy. 7  
Chap. 3. How Pantagruel received a Letter from his Father Gargantua, and of the strange way to have speedy News from far distant places. 11  
Chap. 4. How Pantagruel writ to his Father Gargantua, and sent him several Curiosities. 15  
Chap. 5. How Pantagruel met a Ship with Passengers returning from Lanternland. 19  
Chap. 6. How the Fray being over, Panurge cheapened one of Dingdong's Sheep. 23  
Chap. 7. Which if you read, you'll find how Panurge bargained with Dingdong. 27  
Chap. 8. How Panurge caused Dingdong and his Sheep to be drowned in the Sea. 32  
Chap. 9 How Pantagruel arrived at the Island of Enasin, and of the strange ways of being akin in that Country. pag. 35  
Chap. 10. How Pantagruel went ashore at the Island of Cheli, where he saw King St. Panigon. 41  
Chap. 11. Why Monks love to be in Kitchins. 44  
Chap. 12. How Pantagruel passed by the Land of Petifogging, and of the strange way of living among the Catchpoles. 48  
Chap. 13. How, like Master Francis Villon, the Lord of Basché commended his Servants. 54  
Chap. 14. A further Account of Catchpoles, who were drubbed at Baschés House. 59  
Chap. 15. How the Ancient Custom at Nuptials is renewed by the Catchpole. 63  
Chap. 16. How Friar John made trial of the Nature of the Catchpoles. 68  
Chap. 17. How Pantagruel came to the Island of Tohu and Bohu, and of the strange death of Widenostrils the Swallower of Windmills. 72  
Chap. 18. How Pantagruel met with a great Storm at Sea. 77  
Chap. 19 What Countenances Panurge and Friar John kept during the Storm. 81  
Chap. 20. How the Pilots were forsaking their Ships in the greatest stress of weather. 85  
Chap. 21. A Continuation of the Storm, with a short Discourse on the Subject of making Testaments at Sea. pag. 89  
Chap. 22. An End of the Storm. 93  
Chap. 23. How Panurge played the Goodfellow when the Storm was over. 97  
Chap. 24. How Panurge was said to have been afraid, without reason, during the Storm. 100  
Chap. 25. How after the Storm, Pantagruel went on shore in the Islands of the Macreons. 103  
Chap. 26. How the good Macrobius gave us an Account of the Mansion, and decease of the Heroes. 106  
Chap. 27. Pantagruel's Discourse of the decease of Heroic Souls; and of the dreadful Prodigies that happened before the death of the late Lord de Langey. 110  
Chap. 28. How Pantagruel related a very sad Story of the death of the Heroes. 114  
Chap. 29. How Pantagruel sailed by the Sneaking Island, where Shrovetide reigned. 117  
Chap. 30. How Shrovetide is anatomised and described by Xenomanes. 120  
Chap. 31. Shrovetide's outward parts anatomised. 123  
Chap. 32. A Continuation of Shrovetide's Countenance. 126  
Chap. 33. How Pantagruel discovered a monstrous Physetere, or Whirlpool near the Wild Island. pag. 131  
Chap. 34. How the monstrous Physetere was slain by Pantagruel. 134  
Chap. 35. How Pantagruel went on shore in the wild Island, the ancient Abode of the Chitterlings. 138  
Chap. 36. How the wild Chitterlings laid an Ambuscado for Pantagruel. 141  
Chap. 37. How Pantagruel sent for Colonel Mawl-Chitterling, and Colonel Cut-Pudding, with a Discourse well worth your hearing, about the Names of Places and Persons. 144  
Chap. 38. How Chitterlings are not to be slighted by Men. 150  
Chap. 39 How Friar John joined with the Cooks to fight the Chitterlings. 152  
Chap. 40. How Friar John fitted up the Sow; and of the valiant Cooks thht went into it. 155  
Chap. 41. How Pantagruel broke the Chitterlings at the Knees. 159  
Chap. 42. How Pantagruel held a Treaty with Niphleseth Queen of the Chitterlings. 163  
Chap. 43. How Pantagruel went into the Island of Ruach. 165  
Chap. 44. How a small Rain lays a high Wind. 169  
Chap. 45. How Pantagruel went ashore in the Island of Pope Figland. 172  
Chap. 46. How a Junior Devil was fooled by a Husbandman of Pope Figland. pag. 177  
Chap. 47. How the Devil was deceived by an Old Woman of Pope-Figland. 182  
Chap. 48. How Pantagruel went ashore at the Island of Papimany. 185  
Chap. 49. How Homenas', Bishop of Papimany, showed us the Uranopet Decretals. 189  
Chap. 50. How Homenas' showed us the Arch-Type, or Representation of a Pope. 393  
Chap. 51. Table-Talk in Praise of the Decretals. 196  
Chap. 52. A Continuation of the Miracles caused by the Decretals. 200  
Chap. 53. How, by the Virtue of the Decretals, Gold is subtly drawn out of France to Rome. 207  
Chap. 54. How Homenas' gave Pantagruel some Bonchristian Pears. 212  
Chap. 55. How Pantagruel being at Sea, heard various unfrozen Words. 215  
Chap. 56. How among the Frozen Words Pantagruel found some odd ones. 219  
Chap. 57 How Pantagruel went ashore at the Dwelling of Gaster, the first Master of Arts in the World. 223  
Chap. 58. How at the Court of the Master of Ingenuity, Pantagruel detested the Engastrimithes, and the Gastrolaters. 227  
Chap. 59 Of the ridiculous Statue Manduce; and how, and what the Gastrolaters sacrifice to their Ventripotent God. pag. 230  
Chap. 60. What the Gastrolaters sacrificed to their God on interlarded Fish-Days. 235  
Chap. 61. How Gaster invented Means to get and preserve Corn. 239  
Chap. 62. How Gaster invented an Art to avoid being hurt or touched by Cannon Balls. 243  
Chap. 63. How Pantagruel fell asleep near the Island of Chaneph, and of the Problems proposed to be solved when he waked. 248  
Chap. 64. How Pantagruel gave no Answer to the Problems. 253  
Chap. 65. How Pantagruel past the Time with his Servants. 258  
Chap. 66. How by Pantagruel's Order the Muses were saluted near the Isle of Ganabim. 263  
Chap. 67. How Panurge bewrayed himself for fear, and of the huge Cat Rodilardus, which he took for a puny Devil. 266   

The Fifth Book of Rabelais, treating of the Heroic Deeds and Sayings of the Good Pantagruel.  
CHap. 1. How Pantagruel arrived at the Ringing Island, and of the Noise that we heard. pag. 1  
Chap. 2. How the Ringing Island had been inhabited by the Siticines, who were become Birds. 5  
Chap. 3. How there is but one Popehawk in the Ringing Island. 8  
Chap. 4. How the Birds of the Ringing Island were all Passengers. 11  
Chap. 5. Of the dumb Knighthawks of the Ringing Island. 15  
Chap. 6. How the Birds are crammed in the Ringing Island. 18  
Chap. 7. How Pantagruel came to the Island of the Apedefers, or Ignoramus's, with long Claws, and crooked Paws, and of terrible Adventures and Monsters there. 22  
Chap. 8. How Panurge related to Master Aedituus, the Fable of the Horse and the Ass. 32  
Chap. 9 How with much ado we got a sight of the Popehawk. 40  
Chap. 10. How we arrived at the Island of Tools. pag. 44  
Chap. 11. How Pantagruel arrived at the Island of Sharping. 48  
Chap. 12. How we passed through the Wicket, inhabited by Gripe-men-all, Archduke of the Furred Law-Cats. 51  
Chap. 13. How Gripe-men-all propounded a Riddle to us. 57  
Chap. 14. How Panurge solved Gripe-men-all's Riddle. 61  
Chap. 15. How the Furred Law-Cats live on Corruption. 65  
Chap. 16. How Friar John talks of rooting out the Furred Law-Cats. 68  
Chap. 17. How we went Forwards, and how Panurge had like to have been killed. 76  
Chap. 18. How our Ships were stranded, and we were relieved by some People that were subject to Queen Whims [qui tenoient de la Quinte.] 79  
Chap. 19 How we arrived at the Queendom of Whims, or Entelechy. 85  
Chap. 20. How the Quintessence cured the Sick with a Song. 89  
Chap. 21. How the Queen passed her Time after Dinner. 94  
Chap. 22. How Queen Whims' Officers were employed; and how the said Lady retained us among her Abstractors. 99  
Chap. 23. How the Queen was served at Dinner, and of her way of eating. pag. 104  
Chap. 24. How there was a Ball in the manner of a Tournament, at which Queen Whim was present. 108  
Chap. 25. How the Thirty two Persons at the Ball fought. 112  
Chap. 26. How we came to the Island of Odes, where the Ways go up and down. 122  
Chap. 27. How we came to the Island of Sandals or Slaves; and of the Order of Semiquaver Friars. 125  
Chap. 28. How Panurge asked a Semiquaver Friar many Questions, and was only answered in Monosyllables. 135  
Chap. 29. How Epistemon disliked the Institution of Lent. 146  
Chap. 30. How we came to the Land of Satin. 151  
Chap. 31. How in the Land of Satin we saw Hearsay, who kept a School of Vouching. 159  
Chap. 32. How we came in sight of Lanternland. 164  
Chap. 33. How we landed at the Port of the Lychnobians, and came to Lanternland. 165  
Chap. 34. How we arrived at the Oracle of the Bottle. 167  
Chap. 35. How we went Under ground to come to the Temple of the Holy-Bottle; and how Chinon is the oldest City in the World. pag. 17●  
Chap. 36. How we went down the Tetradic Steps, and of Panurge's Fear. 175  
Chap. 37. How the Temple Gates, in a wonderful manner, opened of themselves. 179  
Chap. 38. Of the Temple's admirable Pavement. 182  
Chap. 39 How we saw Bacchus' Army drawn up in Battalia in Mosaic Work. 94  
Chap. 40. How the Battle, in which the Good Bacchus overthrew the Indians, was represented in Mosaic Work. 188  
Chap. 41. How the Temple was illuminated with a wonderful Lamp. 192  
Chap. 42. How the Priestess Bacbuc showed us a Fantastic Fountain in the Temple. 195  
Chap. 43. How the Fountain-water had the taste of Wine, according to the Imagination of those who drank of it. ib.  
Chap. 44. How the Priestess Bacbuc equipt Panurge, in order to have the Word of the Bottle. 205  
Chap. 45. How Bacbuc the High Priestess, brought Panurge before the Holy Bottle. 208  
Chap. 46. How Bacbuc explained the Word of the Goddess Bottle. 211  
Chap. 47. How Panurge and the rest rhymed with Poetic Fury. 214  
Chap. 48. How we took our Leave of Bacbuc, and left the Oracle of the Holy Bottle. pag. 219   

The most Certain, True and Infallible Pantagruelian Prognostication.  
OF the Golden Number. pag. 227  
Chap. 1. Of the Governor and Lords Ascendant this Year. 228  
Chap. 2. Of the Eclipses this Year. 229  
Chap. 3. Of the Diseases this Year. 230  
Chap. 4. Of the Fruits of the Earth this Year. 232  
Chap. 5. Of the Disposition of the People this Year. 233  
Chap. 6. Of the Condition of some Countries. 239  


Of the Four Seasons of the Year.  
Chap. 7. Of the Spring. 242  
Chap. 8. Of Summer. 244  
Chap. 9 Of Autumn. 245  
Chap. 10. Of Winter. 246     

An Epistle by Pantagruel's Lymosin Grand Excoriator of the Latial Tongue, etc. pag. 247  
The Philosophical Cream of Encyclopedic Questions. 254  


Two Epistles to Two Women of different Humours.  
To an Old Woman. 257  
To another Woman of a quite different Humour. 260     

Letters written by Francis Rabelais, M. D. during his stay in Italy, in the Year 1536.  
LEtter 1. To my Lord Bishop of Maillezais. pag. 1  
Letter 2. 7  
Letter 3. pag. 8  
Letter 4. 9  
Letter 5. 10  
Letter 6. ib.  
Letter 7. 11  
Letter 8. 13  
Letter 9 17  
Letter 10. 19  
Letter 11. 21  
Letter 12. 22  
Letter 13. 24  
Letter 14. 27  
Letter 15. 29  
Letter 16. 32   
FINIS.   

BOOKS Sold by Richard Baldwin.  
BIbliotheca Politica: Or, An Enquiry into the Ancient Constitution of the English Government; with respect both to the just Extent of Regal Power, and to the Rights and Liberties of the Subject. Wherein all the chief Arguments as well against as for the Late Revolution, are Impartially represented and considered. In XIII. Dialogues. Collected out of the best Authors, both Ancient and Modern. To which is added, An Alphabetical Index to the Whole Work.  
The Four Epistles of A. G. Busbequins, concerning his Embassy into Turkey. Being Remarks upon the Religion, Customs, Riches, Strength and Government of that People. As also a Description of their chief Cities and Places of Trade and Commerce. To which is added, His Advice how to manage War against the Turks. Done into English.  
The Bounds set to France by the Pyrenean Treaty; and the Interest of the Confederates not to accept of the Offers of Peace made at this Time by the French King To which are added some short Reflections; showing, How far England is concerned in the Restitution of that Treaty. Together with a List of the Towns and Countries that the French have taken since that Time.  
Letters of State, written by Mr. John Milton, to most of the Sovereign Princes and Republics of Europe. From the Year 1649, till the Year 1659. To which is added, An Account of his Life. Together with several of his Poems; and a Catalogue of his Works, never before Printed.  
Mercury: Or, The Secret and Swift Messenger. Showing, How a Man may with Privacy and Speed communicate his Thoughts to a Friend at any distance. The 2d. Edition. By the Right Reverend Father in God, John Wilkins, Late Lord Bishop of Chester. Printed for R. Baldwin, where are to be had, The World in the Moon, and Mathematical Magic.  
Berault's French Grammar.