ROOM for NEWS, OR marshmallows from ROME, BEING A DIALOGUE BETWEEN THE POPE and the DEVIL At a late Conference. Consulting the most effectual Expedients for promoting their Joint Interest and Designs in the present Juncture of Affairs. With their Instructions concluded upon to be sent to their Emissaries in all Parts to that purpose Accipe nunc Papae Infidias Flectere si nequeat superos Acheronta movebit. Published by Martin Marpope, Author of the Protestant almanac. London, Printed for H. S. 1673. News from ROME, OR A Dialogue between the Pope and the Devil. The Introduction, or Occasion of the Conference. HIs Holiness being lately much perplexed at the Receipt of a Packet from Utopia, intimating that some of his most hopeful Proje●ts, thwarted by Providence, were like to miscarry; forthwith summoned all the Cardinal, to a solemn Conclave, where a Thousand Proposals were made for drawing the desperate Game, yet none that seemed Satisfactory: Whereupon Dismissing that Assembly, the holy Father reflecting how Famous divers of his Predecessors had been for necromancy, and Conjuring, sends immediately to the Vatican for some choice volumes of magic, and retiring( when Night-masking Heavens Face made all things appear Black in conformity with his Designs, and no Noise but the Mus●ck of howling Wolves, and Schreechowlds Hollows could be heard) to an obscure Corner of Belvidere his private Garden, he there with the accustomend Ceremonies, Invokes Lucifer, Prince of the Fallen Angels, to make his personal Appearance; Not doubting but that Subtle degraded Seraphin( knowing it to be their joint Concern) would furnish him with some fresh New-minted Policies, for carrying on his Business in this unexpected Exigency. Scarce had he finished his dreadful Orisons( which he repeated with more Devotion than ever he Mumbled out an High Mass) when the welcome Monarch of the Infernal Crew appears, ushered with flashes of Lightning, and thus Accosts him. Devil. Who thus Imperiously summons our Presence? We are of late too much Crowded with employments, both Military and Civil, ecclesiastic and Secular, to attend every Impertinents pleasure: Speak therefore, and briefly thy Name and Business. Pope. I am, dread Prince of Darkness! Servus servorum, the humblest of your Vassals, your Deputy, your Vice-Roy on Earth, on whom your Bounty has conferred the triple Crown, and other marks of Damnable Favour: My Business is to Implore your Advice and Directions in certain Affairs, that not a little concern both mine own and your Interest. Devil Who? Our Infallible Factor? The Support of our Empire, and Darling of our Hopes? To Thee both our Ear and Breast shall be ever Open. Pope. Gracious beelzeebub! You oblige me eternally to s●rve you. And as your Assistance heretofore brought Princes to Kiss my Gouty Toes, I cannot in Gratitude refrain from Paying the same Devotion to your most reverend Cloven Foot. Devil. Spare now that unnecessary compliment, and Acquaint us with the present Posture of Affairs. Pope. I am all Obedience to your Commands: But must crave leave to state things ab Origine— 'Tis not unknown to your Ghostly Intelligence, what faithful V●●aries myself and Predecessors for many hundred Years, have been to your Hellish Interest, after your delphic Oracles were struck Dumb, and your Hea●hen Slaves grown weary of doing your Tormenting Drungeries. When the Light of the Gospel in its Purity( which designs the utter Overthrow of your dark Kingdom) had Baffled all your Fury, becoming more bright by the surrounding Flames of Persecution, so that you were forced for a time to wave fruitless R gours, and Refer the Conduct of your Affairs to our Management. You may remember how suddenly by another Path, we Re-establish your Power greater then ever: Our feigned Traditions, new invented Doctrines, Cannons, Decrees, Decretals, Constitutions, and Pompuous Ceremonies, had soon altered the Face of the Church, and rendered it quiter different in all things( but the Name) from the Primitive Simplicity: Our Pardons, Absolutions, Indulgencies, permitting of public Stews or Bawdy-Houses, our Doctrines of Merit, Venial sin, Purgatory, and works of Superarrogation. What were they all but so many Draw-Nets, or lime-twigs to Inveigle the loser and Unwary part of Mankind in your Snares and Lake of Perdition. After that, I need not Recount the Bloody Wars we have Raised, the horrid Treasons we have Fomented, the cruel Massacres we have caused throughout Bohemia, England, France, and Germany of old, and in Ireland, and valleys of Pedemont of a latter date; whereby some Millions of Innocent and Pious Souls have been by our Religious Industry, offered up as so many Victives to your Hellish Malice: Besides this, we have of Late— Devil. Hold, hold, good Mr. Pope, though we allow you to Preach your Doctrine of Merit to others, you must not Boast it to us: We acknowledge your eminent Services, nor have we been behind-hand in Retaliations: Have we not Advanced you to Riches, Pomp, and Glory? To the Title of Universal Bishop, and Successor of Peter( though you Imitate him in nothing, but denying his Master?) Have we not brought you to Lord it over all your fellow Bishops; and behold with Contempt, Kings and Emperors at your Feet? Is not your Interest and Advantage inseparably Twisted with mine? If your Doctrines or Ceremonies bring me in Souls. Do they not bring you in Money? And when your Zeal destroys my Enemies, Do you not provide for your own Safety and Gran●eur? Pope. 'Tis confessed, Mighty Satan! Nor did I intend to upbraid you with our Devoirs, but to induce you thereby rather to our Assistance: For some few Ages ago a Pestilent Generation sprung up, that would pull down the whole fabric we so long have been Building, and Restore Religion in its Primitive Beauty, stripped of all those Meritricious Gayties, which at once both Replenish your Territories and our Coffers. Devil. Pish, pish, did I not Teach you long since a Medicine, called The Inquisition, to stop the spreading of such Leprosies? Pope. True: But alas! It came too late, some Kingdoms were so Infected, that they cast off all Subjection to our Authority, and left no hopes( at least as yet) of bringing that most Excellent Engine amongst them to Reduce▪ um. Devil. In that case too, I many years ago provided thee an Expedient, by Erecting the Society of Jesuits, those Machless Embroilers of Affairs, who being sent Abroad, will, I doubt not by their learned and Active Zeal, soon bring back these straggling heretics to Roost under the Wings of Mother Church, and Truckle to your Irish-wooden Chair. Pope. Upon my Holiness your Devilship is egregiously mistaken, a jesuit, 'tis true, about 40 or 50 years ago was a pretty sprightly Instrument: When they durst tab a wavering Monarch, or Blow up an Heretical State at a Blast. But now, alas! he is grown Old, Rusty and Dismetled; his very Name Odious amongst many of our own Party; his prodigious Learning found but a blazing Meteor, and his Treasons, murders, and Equivacations, cozenages, and other Excellencies become too over palpable. Devil. Your Holiness prates like an Infallible Sot, thus to disparaged the most Trusty janissaries of our Empire: The duller Order Francisca●s, and Capuchins, with their nasty Austerities, may amuse Melancholy Fools: But 'tis these active sociable Incendiaries must do the grand work, who by their oily Tongues and pliable Behaviour, Insinuate themselves in Princes Courts, to Dive into their Cabinet councils, and at the same time Abet all Factions, to Infuse specious Principles preparatory to our Designs in the Head of the unwary Rabble. Pope. True it is, all this and more they have done, Screwing themselves into the Affections of Grandees, as gently as malevolent Stars dart their Influence, or blasting Mildews slide into the bosom of a Flower. They have varied Shapes oftener than the Camelean at Land, or Polypus at Sea; now a Courtier, to Morrow a soldier, then a cobbler, by and by a Weaver; a Gallant amongst the Ladies in the Park; an Atheist amongst the Coffee-wits, and a Quaker at Devonshire House. Yet when we thought all Cock sure prepared, and doubted not but to have stemmed the Tide of Opposition by a Torrent from our Romish See; Behold, an unhappy Providence damps the progress, and the Alarm takes through the City, as fast as our Train of Wildsire in Sixty six: Immediately the Pulpit Rings, and the Press Groans with Invectives against our Doctrines: All our Policies are unraveled, our Sacred person exposed to Contempt, and Burnt by the heretics in Essigie. In brief, This most holy Design which we have so long been Midwifing into the World, is like to prove Abortive and fatally Miscarry; unless your Old Dragon subtlety, can speedily by some wonderful Stratagem, revive it to perfection. Devil. Be patient, dear Child! and bend a little to Fate, remember your Country proverb, Pian piano, what is said of the City holds true of your Faith, Non fuit in uno Condita Roma die: Rome is not Built in a day. Great Mutations require Time, be not too hasty, he goes safest that walks pedetentim; Physitians never administer Remedies in the Fit, stay till this paroxysm is over, way-lay Opportunity, and Learn to Sail with every wind. In the mean time follow me to the next Arbour where we will prepare Instructions for our Emissaries abroad as we conceive most convenient in the present Juncture. Hereupon laying their Heads together for an hour like the Toad, lending poison to the Viper, their teeming Inventions were delivered of the following By-blow. INSTRUCTIONS to be pursued by all Nuncio's, Jesuits, Priests, Lay-sticklers, and other Factors of the See of Rome, for faciliating the Re esta●lishment of Popery, in Heretical Countries. Imprimis, You shall make the Advancement of the Romish Church your Pole-Star. The Centre whereto all your words and Actions tend, For attaining which end, you shall bank no means be they never so unjust or Abominable, for he that thinks Fraud cannot be pious or Piety, f audulent is a Short-ear'd Ass, and was never bottomed in School Divinity. 2. You shall discover or conceal your Religion, as best suits your conveniences, And rather than loose a good place for want of a Renunciatory Oath. you shall have from us Dispensations and Pardons Gratis, to Indempnify your Souls; yet still you shall pretend in public to a most Stout Honesty and Sincerity. For The Stratagem is then Exalted High When th' Hypocrite reviles hypocrisy. 3. Think not to put off all your ware at once, down right Popery at first dash is frightful, But those that Keck at it whole, will swallow it handsomely minced, First, Tinge people with a Preparative Blew, and then sauce 'em with the Colour of the Scarl●t Whore, begin with our most plausible Principles, The Vulgar never mind the Tail of the business, yet there lies the Stings, When the Needles once through, the thread will follow; some serious Truths must be delivered the better under those Palliations to disseminate our profitable errors, so a stink offends more when Concomitant with some weak Perfams, which it hath Pro vchimlo, than when 'tis single, The perfume procuring for the stench, easier Admittance into the Sense: Thus poisons are most dangerous, and irremediable when joined in Commission with a Cordial too weak to resist them, it only serving to Conduct them to the Heart, but is unable to vanquish their malignity. 4. Let your deportment be complaisant, even to servile Flattery; Court your very Enemies with the most obliging Language and Protestations of Kindness, Kiss those hands you would cut off, and Hug him you cannot Hang, at least, until you can; Still fashion yourselves to the humour of the present Company, As the light is round in the Sun, in the fire Pyramidal. If any Recommend Liberty of Conscience, do you strait cry out against Persecution, and laugh not for a world; but remember you are yet a while to play the Foxes and Wolves, in Sheeps clothing: 'Tis hereafter in the Inquisition you are to Act the parts of lions Rampant. 5. In privated scourses you shall passionately bewail the Variety of Sects and Op●nions amongst Protestants( yet still promote such differences what you can) representing the difficulty of Scriptures to be understood; How every Heresit seeks protection there, and a thousand different Judgments vouch their Warrant from the same Text. Hence you shall take occasion slily to magnify the Unity of Rome,( though indeed there's no such thing) That without a Judge there can be no decision, without Infallibility no Certainty, and consequently, no Security, That such as Skip the Pale of the Church, are always in a Roleing Condition and like a floating iceland or the Sea-weed, know not where to take nor how to keep Root, yet still persuade people there's no danger of Popery, no design to introduce it, that such a charge is ridiculons to imagine, impossible to be accomplished, &c. When men Sleep is the onely time to sow Tears; Security dwells next door to ruin. 6. Study profoundly, humours and Interests; to the poor magnify Popish Charity, and the Noble House-keeping of old; To Young-Scholars the Learning of the Jesuits, and the excellent Method and Discipline of their Schools beyond the Seas; to the debauched, represent the moderation of your Church in voting the wanton Sillies of Nature( as Whoredom, Adultery, Incest, and Sodomy) but venial Peccadillies, and granting Indulgencies at easy Rates, for greater Crimes. 7. Promote that Laudable Design of Atheism, which you have already so hopefully begun, For those that have no regard for any Religion to be sure will never oppose one that is so fitted for their turn, and near of kin in effect to their present Sentiments. 8. You shall more Industriously spread your Nets for the Rich, and the Great, who being most allied to the World, are aptest to comply with any Religion that's thriving, Besides the Influence of their Example and power on their domestics, Relations, and dependents for you may see when the Tide turns, all the Ships at Anchor in the River presently change Head for stern. 9. A Miracle now and then may do well amongst the Vulgar, but cautiously, 'tis a Subtle Eagle eyed Age, be sure therefore prepare your Counterfeit, that is to be possessed very well, and carry your hand and Invisible Jugglining hair clearly. Lastly, Forget not our primitive policy in Tempting Eve first, proselyte the Women, and let them alone to draw in the men; There is no Devil to the Shee-Devil, They long since brought the Strongest of men to ruin, and the Wisest to Idolatry. Our more private Directions for murdering Princes, Burning Heretical Cities, &c. W● shall Inspire you within person, and now Conclude with our Joy●●● Benediction. May your Foreheads be as Walls of Corinthirn Brass, your Tongue tipped with Syrens music, and your Ignis fatuus led all Europe. Given at Rome this 20th. of November, S. Re. in the year of Hell●… Confusion, 1673. Signed with the Devils Paw, and the Seal of th● Fisher. Having dispatched away these Instructions by an Infernal Curri●● They both fell a Quaffing some full Bowls of English Martyrs. Blood reserved ever since Queen Mary's days, for the Popes own Mornin● Draughts, and Sung in parts the following Versicle of an Anthem composed for their use on such occasions by Ignatius Loyola. Devil, 'Tis done, and methinks already I see Whole droves on their Journey, thronging to me: No more will we Angle for single Souls, Our catholic Draw-not, shall catch 'em by Shoals. Pope, I laugh to think how our Coffers will swell, With Treasures from this * England so called by one of the Popes, for the vast Sums drained from hence. inexhaustible well▪ How simply too, some Lay-Papists will look. When their dear Abbey-Lands must be forsook. Chorus of both. No matter who loses, our interests do join. Devil. I cheat 'em for their Souls [ Pope] And I for their Cof●●●● Exeat, Devil carrying the Pope a pick-pack. FINIS.