THE RAMPANT ALDERMAN, OR NEWS FROM THE EXCHANGE, A FARCE.  
LONDON, Printed, and are to be Sold by Randal Taylor, near Stationers-Hall. 1685.   

THE RAMPANT ALDERMAN.  

ACT. I. SCENE. I.  Enter Rover and Wilding severally. Rover. 
DEar Jack, I am glad to see thee with all my heart 'ifaith. How long hast thou been in Town?  Wilding. 
Too long to my sorrow, Ned, except thy charming Sister Cordelia were kinder, the God of Love and I are still at Sword and Dagger about her. And I find too late, like a Fool as I am, in spite of my Blood he will be too hard for me.  Rover. 
Oh there's no Fence against a Flail, Jack. A pair of Black Eyes thou knowst, wound deeper than a Case of Pistols; but cheer up Man, thou hast me on thy side, I know thou lov'st her Honourably.  Wilding. 
Else let me never get the Heaven I sigh for. Sir, I am a man of Honour, and hate a base Action, as much as I do Cowardice.  Rover. 
I believe thee i'faith: And to be serious with thee, ' gad I had rather Pimp for thee than any Man in Christendom, that's the truth on't.  Wilding. 
Pimp for me!  Rover. 
Ay, Jack, hold a Door neatly, Cough, and cry Him, if any body come; thou understand'st me.  Wilding. 
Sir, I dare not understand ye, nor would I hear this from any other Man— 'tis well you are her Brother.  Rover. 
Come, prithee be not Angry, thou art a brave Fellow, and I love thee. And by this Hilt thou shalt have a Touch with my Sister— in spite of the Musty Alderman, or e'er a Lousy Plush Jacket in Christendom. I hope thou canst dispense with a touch with her in the Bed of Honour, Jack.  Wilding. 
Ay Boy, there indeed a Touch with her would make a Man Immortal: But what Alderman is this thou speakest of?  Rover. 
Why, Sir, a Jack-o-lent, with a Jack Chain about him: An old driuling, fribling, fumbling Fobus, that makes Love to her. And is so damnably Rich, and withal so confoundedly Lecherous, that he thinks 'tis no more but up and ride with her.  Wilding. 
The Devil choke him with the Furs of his own Gown. What's to be done Friend?  Rover. 
That's as Time shall try. See here comes my Sister and my Cousin Julia, whom I'll take aside to give you opportunity: Go put up briskly to her, d'ye hear?  taketh Julia aside. Enter Cordelia and Julia. Wilding. 
Madam, though the Charms of your Beauty are not to be resisted by any thing composed of Flesh and Blood as I am, yet a little good Nature too, would add another Charm greater than all, and give me hopes of Life, that am despairing by your Cruelty.  Cordelia. 
If Women, Sir, were always to be won with Words, the grand Deceivers of our Sex, would have a true occasion to condemn our Easiness; but I'm resolved to turn the Scale, and prove, that once there was a Woman gained by Merit.  Wilding. 
Ah, let me know in what I'm deficient, and I'll reform myself— but I see plainly you have made another Choice, and I am damned to all the Hell of Rigour in your Frowns. Oh cruel Sex! too Fair, and too Ingrateful!  Rover. 
What a Devil's the Matter now? Why how now Ned, what watering thy Plants already. 'dsHeart, they make Love just like Cats, they are always either Howling, or Scratching one another.  Julia. 
They come the nearer than to the nature of the Business; for Love in its best quality, is but a kind of Caterwauling, the He Cat follows the She into the Parlour, then presently the She runs after the He into the Garret, where there is such an eternal Mew betwixt 'em, just like that Gentleman's making Love for all the World.  Wilding. 
Does my Integrity and constant Passion deserve to be thus slighted?  Cordelia. 
When you have worked upon my good Opinion a proof of your Integrity, you may be better used; till when, let me advise you to leave Angling, Sir, the Fish will not be Caught, I can assure ye.  
Our Sex by Profit often is Betrayed,  
But Worth shall win me, or I'll die a Maid.  Exit. Julia. 
Far ye well, Sir, take care she does not see the Onion you have wrapped up in your Handkerchief, for you have Tears at command, I see. ' And to my knowledge, a Man can no more weep without an Onion, than he can make Love without Lying; they are both absolutely necessary. And so sweet Sir, your humble Servant. Ha', ha', ha'.  Exit laughing. Wilding. 
Ah, the Devil fleer ye; 'dsheart this Jill-flirt, giggling young Quean, will jeer me to Death, I shall never be able to look her in the face again.  Rover. 
Ah, Pox on't, you must, you must: What a Lover and want Confidence, such a one would be a strange Monster indeed. But come prithee, let's go and contrive how to Supplant this Old Fusty Alderman; for if he intends to Cut up my Sister like a young Virgin Pullet, by this Light, I'll cut him like an Old Capon; he shall be as bare as the Eunuches in the Grand Signior's Seraglio. I'll see what the Alderman has in his Purse for once.  Wilding. 
I think he may spare the Jewels in it, for any good his Worship will do with 'em. But prithee Jack, Is not this he that was always voting Mischief against the King, and speaking Treason in the Common Council?  Rover. 
The very same, the most Notorious Whig in all the Fraternity.  Wilding. 
There's some hopes than he may be hanged in time, that the Fraternity may be rid of him.  Rover. 
No doubt, but Fate has some such Blessing in store for him; he keeps company with two Shame Elders, which he styles by the Title of Doctors, forsooth, the one squeaks Sedition to him in the Coffeehouse, and the other Cants it in the Conventicle.  Wilding. 
Ay, I hope I shall see 'em Cant it at the Gallows too; prithee do, I know 'em Jack.  Rover. 
Oh, without doubt, the one is Doctor Oylyfist, the sneaking Non-Con. of Spittle-Fields, and the other of Famous Memory, is—  Wilding. 
Doctor Oats.  Rover. 
Ah, well guessed my Noble Heart, ' gad thou art right.  Wilding. 
Why then, farewel Mr. Alderman, if that Noble Doctor keeps ye Company, the Gibbet is like to feel your weight, I'm sure.  Rover. 
'dsHeart, here he comes, and Company with him: 'Tis high Change time, and the place will fill presently, therefore let's be gone, for I would not have him see us.  Wilding. 
Nor I neither, I am not so fond of his Company.  Exeunt. Enter Alderman and Booby. Alderman. 
Is thy name Booby?  Booby. 
Yes, an't please your Worship. I'm a true Booby by Father and Mother.  Alderm. 
What Country-Booby are ye?  Booby. 
I'm a Buckinghamshire Booby, and please ye, and of a very ancient Family.  Alderm. 
How so?  Booby. 
Why my Father was a Miller of Maidenhead, and he having a great occasion for a Wife, Married one Katherine Crack of Carnarvan; so that betwixt the Boobies of Buckingham, and the Cracks of Carnarvan, I am as arrant a Booby as ever you saw.  Alderm. 
Very well, Friend, if thou art Industrious, thou mayst come to great Preferment; 'tis many a Boobies case as Times go, for 'tis a very lucky Name, I promise ye, and comes near the Baboons, a very rich Family of our Party here in the City.  Booby. 
I have heard great talk of the City Baboons indeed: Is your Worship any kin to 'em?  Alderm. 
Troth Friend, there is some Relation betwixt us. Sir Bartlemy Baboon married Mrs. Clawbuttock, of Highgate, and had Issue by her two Baboons.  Booby. 
And never a Monkey.  Alderm. 
But than comes in Sir Timothy Thrum, my Great Grandfather, and he Clawed up the Widow Clawbuttock, and got by her Toby Thrum, and Thomas Thrum, Talbot Thrum, and Tomasine Thrum, and myself, a second Timothy Thrum, who were all Married to rich Fortunes. And—  Booby. 
And so they Thrummed one another to the end of the Chapter.  Alderm. 
But no more of this. I find thee a very fit Fellow for my Service, and therefore do Entertain thee. Thou canst Lie for me to a Lady that I am in Love with, canst not?  Booby. 
Yes, and lie with her too, if you would have me.  Alderm. 
How, Sirrah, lie with her!  Booby. 
With her Chambermaid, I mean, an't please your Worship: I have a great Impediment in my Speech.  Alderm. 
Alas, alas, well, prithee observe me, there is a Rich young Lady that's in Law, and just come to Town to have her Business done.  Booby. 
There are a great many, Sir.  Alderm. 
What, Sir?  Booby. 
Young Ladies, that come to Town to have their Business done.  Alderm. 
Go too, you Wag, mark me what I say, This young Lady is extremely troubled.  Booby. 
With the Griping of the Guts, Sir.  Alderm. 
Guts, Sirrah: No, with Impertinent Suitors, Sirrah, which I intent to deliver her from, and to that end have wriggled myself into her Acquaintance.  Booby. 
Your Worship does very well to wriggle yourself into any part of her.  Alderm. 
Well said, i'faith, witty Booby, there's a Brumigham Groat for that saying, to encourage thee.  Booby. 
A Pox on your Bounty: What a rare Brumigham Master shall I have?  Enter Beatrice. Alderm. 
Here comes my Daughter, your first business must be to hand her Home, and keep all Fluttering Suitors from her; especially a Huffing Frenchman, that's just come from the Siege of Luxemburg.  Booby. 
And intends to blow up her Mine, does he Master?  Alderm. 
He does so Booby, ingenious Booby, he does so. There's something more for thee, for that saying.  Booby. 
A Queen Elizabeth Threepences, just as thin as his Conscience. Why, I am made for ever, I shall roll in Money at this rate.  Alderm. 
Go Daughter, go Home with him: And let me have no more Parleys with your French Kickshaw, d'ye hear?  Beatrice. 
My Duty shall be shown in my Obedience, Sir.  Alderm. 
And in the Evening I'll prepare Lovissit, my young Mistress, 'tis such a pretty little twinkling Rogue, such a buxom Shape, and such a ●ound plump Buttock, that I am almost Mad for her. I Dream of her a Nights, and Sigh for her a Days; and when I meet with her at Church, cannot mind one word of the Sermon for staring at her. Well, I must have a Bout with her, come what will on't.  

And all my Brethren then shall find in me,  
There is some Mettle left in Seventy Three.    

ACT. II.  Enter La Bounce. La Bounce. 
VAt a Diable is de matra, dat me can finda no Person in does House, what hoa, where is does Rich Alderman, and de pret sweet young Lady his Daughter, that is to be my Wife. Mounsieur, Jack, Toby, Man, Woman's, or Shield, where are you all?  Enter Booby with a Quarterstaff. Booby. 
What the Devil have we got here, a French Flap-Dragon, just spit out of Monsieur Crequy's Mouth, and come to Invade us in our own Quarters. I'll Quarter him. I'll be too nimble for him i'faith. I'll quarter him with my Quarterstaff here if he be not Civil. How now, Sir, who are you, hah?  La Bounce. 
Who am I, Zoon, look in my Face, vat a Diable can you not see?  Booby. 
Yes, I can see, and you shall feel too, if you han't more Manners; I'll tell you that Monsieur Basimicue.  La Bounce. 
Scoundrel Valet, keep your distance, and reverence my Profession, I am a Soldier.  Booby. 
And a very Impudent one, as ever I saw.  La Bounce. 
I am just come from de Siege of Luxemburg, my Name is Captain La Bounce.  Booby. 
La Bounce, a Plague on your Family, there's many a poor Spaniard the worse for 'em to my knowledge. But what make you here good Captain Bounce, hah?  La Bounce. 
I come to speak vid de Rish Alderman, and the fair Lady his Daughter; I intent to Marry her and den lie vid her like a Soldier, and a Gentleman.  Booby. 
A Gentleman. And is that like a Gentleman, to come into an Alderman's House without Knocking? D'ye hear Madge in the Kitchen there, look about your Dishes and Plates, and see if the Gentleman has Stole nothing.  La Bounce. 
Morblieu, me Steal: Poltroon such another word, me will scour my Rapier in thy small Gut.  Booby. 
Hark'e, Captain Bounce, if you put your French Tricks upon me, I shall Bounce your Noddle with my Quarterstaff here, for I am a Gentleman too, and my Name is Booby.  La Bounce. 
De Boobies are the base beggarly Famillee.  Booby. 
You lie like a Potgun as you are, and here's my Voucher. Holds up his Quarter staff. And though I am no Soldier, I will Thrash a Soldier if you provoke me, Monsieur la Bougre je parle mieux Francois que vous. There's French for ye, ye Son of a Whore.  La Bounce. 
O Mordieu, sit grand Confidance.  Booby. 
What a Pox d'ye think we have no Breeding amongst us, ha'? You shall find we have, and Courage too. And so have at you, good Monsieur Snuff-Box.  Fight here. Enter Rover, Cordelia, Beatrice, Wilding and Julia. Rover. 
How now, what's the matter here?  Booby. 
No great matter. I was only Cracking French Crowns into English Groats: Have ye enough yet, good Captain Bounce?  Beatrice. 
This is the French Fantastic Officer, that pretends to have authority to be my Husband.  Rover 
Does he so? I shall pretend to cut his Throat then.  Wilding. 
And I think I shall have a blow at his Skull, if he intent to breed his Mongrel Offspring amongst us.  Booby. 
Ay, you may have blows at it if you will, but to hurt it is impossible; his Skull is harder than my Quarterstaff.  La Bounce. 
J●ime at the Siege of Mons, me vas two time shot troo de Head with a Cannon Bullet.  Rover. 
Well said Monsieur i'faith, that was a French Swinger.  Booby. 
Oh damned lying Rogue! shot through the Head with a Cannon Bullet.  Julia. 
Peace Booby, let's hear him.  La Bounce. 
I vas blown up in de Mine at Luxemburg, and vas one of the foremost of those that took the last Bastion. I have been in ten Storm at Sea, seen both the Gulf of Venice and Florida, and the very Navel of the World, you Scoundrel, and shall I be effronted thus? No, dear will comes times for Revenge, I say dear will, and so Serviture Messieur, serviture.—  Exit huffing. Booby. 
Monsieur votre tres humble. There's more French for ye, ye Son of a Whore you.  Cordelia. 
'Tis such a Conceited Ass, there's no enduring him.  Beatrice. 
Yet I am so plagued with his Impertinent Addresses, that I am almost weary of my Life; there's never a day but I am forced to spend two Hours in hearing his French Giberish Courtship.  Rover. 
To as much effect, I hope, as his French Valour was at Luxemburg. No, dearest Madam, I hope you never will forget my constant Services.  Beatrice. 
Never whilst they are constant Services.  Julia. 
Which never last above a Month and a Day. A Man of the Town puts off his Passion just like an Old Suit; he must have a New one every Month, or else he grows Slovenly.  Wilding. 
But mine to fair Cordelia lasts for ever. Oh that I had the grace to be believed, or that my Love could enter at thy Ears, and tell her heart how truly I adore her.  Rover. 
Come Ned, thou shalt find she does resent thy Fidelity. I catched her napping this Morning, Boy, and have a fine Story to tell thee.  Cordelia. 
Nay, Brother, what d'ye mean!  Rover. 
Nothing but Honesty, Sister. But I tell thee once again, Jack shall have a Touch with thee, and there's an end.  Booby. 
Here's Mr. Alderman just now hobbling in, by this Light; therefore shift for yourselves Gallants.  Rover. 
Now, Sister, do but Nigle him finely, and let me alone to carry on the rest.  Beatrice. 
Pray, dear sweet Madam, make a Fool of my Father, for I hate to see him Dote at these Years.  Cordelia. 
If he has no more Wit than he has Ability in Love Matters, he shall find I am Match enough for him, if he were Forty Years younger.  Beatrice. 
Speak softly, here he comes.  Enter Alderman. Aderm. 
Where are ye Booby?  Booby. 
Here, Sir, here.  Alderm. 
Go to Mr. Rump the Poulterer, and bid him send me in a brace of Partridges, tell him, I intent to make a Collation to Night.  Booby. 
I must bring ne'er a fat Capon and Sausages with me, must I Sir?  Alderm. 
An Extravagant Rogue. A Capon, what to do Rogue? what to do?  Booby. 
The Lady has brought her Coachman with her, we must have something for him, Sir.  Alderm. 
Why bring a Capon then, and be Poxed t'ye, this Rogue will undo me with Expenses. And d'ye hear, Sirrah, when you are there, step to Mr. Codshead the Fishmonger, and bring a Cock-Lobster: Do kou know a Cock-Lobster, Sirrah?  Booby. 
Ay, Sir, as well as I know you to be a Cock-Alderman.  Alderm. 
What an arch Dog 'tis, a Cock Alderman! Get ye gone Sirrah; the Rogue will make me Laugh forty times a Day.— 'Odso, here's the Exit Booby. Lady, and now methinks I am very Cockish indeed. Madam, your humble Servant, I made bold to send my Daughter to Invite ye to a Dish of Meat, and the Fiddles.  Cordelia. 
And you see I have obeyed your Summons, Mr. Alderman.  Alderm. 
Blessing on thy Heart, and we'll be as Merry as the Beggars i'faith, and thou shalt see me Dance a Jig presently. 'Odso, methinks I could Cut a Caper up to thy Middle, I am so Active; Leap, Vault, do the Somerset like a Boy of Eighteen, and Jump over a Stick like a Spaniel.  Cordel. 
But not for the King of England? I hope Sir.  Alderm. 
The King of England, no not I: I'd not Jump over a Straw for him. For a certain Duke, that shall be Nameless, I could Jump, though the Joynt-Stool were as high as the Exchange.—  Cordelia. 
And you broke your Neck on t'other side. What a wonderful thing is Zeal for the good Old Cause.  Alderm. 
I see the Witty Baggage knows I am a Whig. Come prithee Sweet Heart, sit down, and let's leave the good Old Cause to its self, and Tope about a Glass of good old Sack: Beatrice, here take my Keys, and reach me the Bottle on your Lefthand, next the Door, you'll find a— Gives her the Keys. written Paper on it,— go bring it hither quickly.  Cordelia. 
You are wonderful Brisk to Day, Mr. Alderman.  Alderm. 
What should all me, Sweet Heart? what should all me? I am not so Old yet, but I can pay a Bill at sight, as well as one and Twenty, Girl. Think of that, Sweetheart, think of that.  Cordelia. 
Ay, but there's a witty Saying, Sir, 
That an Old Man of Sixty, full of Vaunting and Brags,  
Often thinks to pay Debts, without Money in's Bags.  Think you of that, Mr. Alderman.  Alderm. 
A plaguy cunning Quean, 'odzooks, I was never so Nonplused in my Life. But I must not seem to be concerned,— aside. Ah would we were in Bed together, to try how well I could Pay. Come, Beatrice, where are ye?  Beatrice. 
Here it is, Sir. Enter Beatrice with a Bottle.  Alderm. 
Let me see.— The Liquor of Generation. reads the Note. Ay, this is it. Here's that will make the Blood dance, 'ifaith.— Go, Beatrice, go and take care Supper be well Ordered, and let the Fiddlers be ready, d'ye hear?  Beatrice. 
Yes, Sir,— I know this is only to get me out of the way: But I'll sit him, for I'll place Mr. Rover her Brother, and the rest, where they shall hear all.  Exit Beatrice. Alderm. 
Fair Lady, come faith, here's a Health to your Maidenhead.  Drinks. Cordelia. 
Oh, fie Sir!  Alderm. 
Nay, nay, this over Modesty spoils all, it does 'ifaith.— Come, it shall be Drunk.— Nay, faith, we'll have a Health to my performance too, presently.  Rover Peeping. 
Will you so, Sir,— Very well indeed. 'sHeart, how the old Goat tickles himself. aside.  Cordelia. 
Indeed, Mr. Alderman, this Discourse is too lose: Pray consider who I am.  Alderm. 
Who thou art? Why thou art to be mine, Sweet heart.  Wilding Peeping. 
I had rather you were Hanged as high as the Monument, Sweetheart.  aside. Alderm. 
I could never have imagined Heaven had so great a Blessing in store for me, to lie snug upon those delieate Breasts, to be embraced in those Arms, Ah.—  Julia Peeping. 
Ah, you'll have another Tone when you are Guelt, good Alderman Stallion.  aside. Cordelia. 
Fie, fie, indeed I must not endure this. If your Love is honourable, pray keep your distance?  Alderm. 
Prithee excuse me. Faith, I am so transported, I know not what I do. Then what a Neck is there for a Row of Pearls to glitter on,— Ah!  Rover. 
Ah, now he comes to't.  Alderm. 
And this pretty little, little Foot, what an incomparable provoking show it would make with a pair of Diamond Buckles on it: Zooks I must kiss it, I cannot forbear,— I must kiss it 'ifaith. Falls down, and strives to kiss her Foot.  Cordelia. 
For shame, Mr. Alderman, this is beyond enduring.  Rover. 
Now does the old Rogue, I warrant, stink like a Filchard.  Alderm. 
A Suit of Point for that Head, and Rings for that pretty soft Hand, whose Touch or Grasp, would raise a Man to Life, if he had been dead a Week, ah!  Julia. 
Ah,— brave Alderman Rampant!  Alderm. 
Well, I am strangely provoked, I know not what to do she has so provoked me,— ah Rogue.  Cordelia. 
Either be more Civil, and touch me no more, or I'm resolved I'll call out, and expose ye.  Alderm. 
Well, well, I will be patiented, I will, I will. But as long as I did not touch thee about the Middle, as the Song says, what needs all this Coyness? And now I think on't, shall I sing an old Catch to thee, Sweetheart?  Cordelia. 
Any thing to keep ye more Tame.  Alderm. 
Come on then.— And the Theme shall be a touch about the Middle,— ah Rogue. Frisks about.  Cordelia. 
Come, come, begin.  Alderman Sings. 

THe Old Man he Peeped through the Barn-door,  
As he was walking along,  
And there he spied four Legs on the Floor,  
And his Wife's two Legs among.   

2.  
Ho, ho, quoth he, since I do perceive,  
You Dance without a Fiddle:  
I pray what e'er you do with her Legs,  
To let her alone in the Middle, the Middle.  
To let her alone in the Middle.   Enter Booby. Alderm. 
How now, Sirrah, how dare you intrude without Coughing or Hemming first, ha'? Han't I told you of that?  Booby. 
Him, him, I come to tell ye that Supper is ready, Sir: and the Fiddlers have just rozined their Throats and their Guts; and are preparing to strike up, Sir.  Alderm. 
Let 'em strike up then, and bid my Servants give us the Dance we had last Christmas.  Dance here. 
So, so, very well, come Sweetheart, now to Supper. And after I have warmed my Blood with another Bottle, it shall go hard but I'll have a Bout with her beforehand, 'ifaith.  Exit Alderman leading Cordelia. Enter Rover, Wilding, and Julia. Rover. 
You shall be Guelt before that happens, sweet Alderman, 'ifaith. Wilding, go you and inform the Neighbours of the Business, and get a Constable ready, we'll hamper this old Whipster.  

And prove by this, in spite of his Complaint,  
No Whoremaster is like your Whiggish Saint.    

ACT III. SCENE I.  
Enter Booby. Booby. 
I Have made the Coachman so Drunk yonder, that he mistakes his Coach-boot for his Coach-box, so that he can discover nothing of my Design, I'm sure. And now the time is coming, when I shall prove myself to be no Booby nor Fool to the Alderman, but Mr. Lovewel, a Gentleman, and got into his Service for the Love I bear his Daughter. 'Tis a strange Old Fellow.— He has Dragged and Drawn the Lady so about the Room yonder, that he wants nothing but Hanging and Quartering her, to make a mere Traitor of her. 'Tis well she's made of Country Mould, i'faith; if she had been of the Town Pocky Stuff, a Leg or an Arm had been lost in the Service long before this. And yonder they are all watching him, with a design to surprise him at it. Well, if he chance to want my help, he shall pay for't, i'faith, and then we may chance to find a Trick for their Trick, but there must be Money in the Case; for I have no Wit without Money, nor ever had in my Life. Here he comes, I'll slink behind the Door, and observe.  Enter Cordelia followed by the Alderman. Cordelia. 
Such a Rudeness as this, aught to be Punished with more than common Severity.  Alderm. 
Prithee dear Pug, don't talk of Severity, but let me Kiss thee; I must Kiss thee faith, never stir I Must.  Boody. 
You'll stink for your stirring, I find that, presently.  Cordelia. 
If there be Law, or Honour, or Justice in the Nation, I'll be Revenged; you shall know what I am, and what Friends a Woman of my Quality can find to do her Reason. Marry come up, must I be obliged to hear your fulsome Folly, your stolen nasty bawdy Jokes, stolen from the Witless Drolls in Bartholomew Fair? Must I be your Property, d'ye intent me for your Scotch-warming-Pan, you old Fornicator you?  Booby. 
She opens well, i'faith, she's a sure Hound, I warrant her.  Alderm. 
How sharp the Rogue is, when she would pretend to be Angry: But I know this is but a Copy of her Countenance, I am not to be Fobbed off so, i'faith. Therefore 
Come to my Bed, my Dear, my Dear,  
Come to my Bed, my Dear;  
To Marry is a Cheat, and we can do the Feat,  
As well as if we were, we were,  
As well as if we were.   Cordelia. 
Then your design was to make a Whore of me, was it so, Grandsire Greybeard?  Alderm. 
A Whore! Oh, fie, fie, that's a paw word. No, no, a Miss, or so, if thou wouldst, my Dear. Oons, why should not I keep a Miss as well as e'er a young long-backed Fop in the Town, I'm sure I am as well able?  Booby. 
Ye lie, Master, ye lie, you are too weak in the Back; besides there are things wanting, Age has made a mere Capon of ye.  aside. Cordelia. 
Thou keep a Miss! What wouldst thou do with her, or with any Woman else? Unless 'twere to buckle her Shoes, hold her Gloves, or Usher her to Guildhall on a Lord-Mayors Day.  Alderm. 
Yes, I could pay her Family Duties, Sweetheart.  Booby. 
There you lie again, Master, that you could not to my knowledge.  Cordelia. 
Duty.— The best Duty thou couldst pay, were to hold the Door for some abler young Fellow, that would take pity on her. 'dsDeath, you feeble, fulsome, fribling Fumbler, let me go, or I'll force my way; I'll be at thee by this Light.  Alderm. 
What, thou wilt not Rogue, thou art not in Earnest: Thou canst not Fight, canst thou? If thou wilt Jerk me a little, with all my heart, faith; and I'll go fetch Rods, I keep 'em ready in the House upon all occasions.  Cordelia. 
Nay, I'll Flaug your Worship, if you come near me.  Booby. 
'Odsheart, she'll be too hard for him, I see by her. Now who shall we get to be the another's Second, for I am resolved to make one?  Alderm. 
But prithee, let's leave off Fight, and fall to Loving again. I Die, I Languish for thee, I am Sick, Lovesick, Sick to the quick; if thou wilt not believe me, I'll show thee my— 'Odsings, it was just coming out.  Cordelia. 
Impudent satire, stand off.  Alderm. 
Nay faith, 'tis impossible, I must Rumble, and Tumble, and Jumbl, if you will not consent by fair means; I am resolved to Ravish, and there's an end on't.  Cordelia. 
Nay then, Help, help,— Murder,  Takes hold on her 
Rape, Murder, help, help,—  Rover and Wilding within. Rover. 
Break open the Doors there, 'tis my Sister's voice; I'll have the Doors open.  Booby. 
Oh, I expected this! 'Odsheart, how Mr. Alderman looks now?  Cordelia. 
Oh, thanks to Providence, 'tis my Brother's voice. Now, Goat, Stallion, you shall find what 'tis to abuse a Woman of my Quality.  Exit Cordel. Enter Booby. Alderm. 
Oh Booby!  Booby. 
Oh, Master, what have you done?  Alderm. 
Oh, Booby, I am Ruined, Undone, Disgraced for ever; I have got  Booby. 
The Pox, Sir.  Alderm. 
Ah, worse, worse, Eternal Shame, perpetual Ignominy; I shall be a Byword to the World, and hooted out of the Exchange.  Booby. 
Why you han't Ravished her, I dare swear, Sir.  Alderm. 
No, I have not Ravished her, 'tis true, but I would have done't if I could, Booby; I was just upon the Business.  Booby. 
Why, faith, and to be just upon the Business, and yet come off again so soon, shows great constancy of Mind, Master.  Alderm. 
Ah, there's a damned Apothecary, my Neighbour, a jeering Rogue, that if ever he should come to know it, I were no Man of this World; I should be t●iz'd to Death.  Booby. 
You must get him Poisoned with one of his own Drugs, I think, Master.  Rover and Wilding within. Rover. 
Where is this Abominable Villain, this Goat, this Ravisher? Break open all the Doors there; I'll cut him in pieces, if there were no more Men alive.  Alderm. 
Oh, what shall I do!  Booby. 
They are coming up Stairs. Come, Sir, what will you give me to free you from this trouble now?  Alderm. 
Oh, any thing, dear Booby, here are a hundred Guineas in this Purse, I give 'em thee with all my heart, and any thing else that thou wilt demand, set me but clear of that Termagant Roaring Rascal.  Booby. 
Come set your Hand to't, here's a Note drawn up for that purpose.  Alder. 
I with all my Heart.  Writes. Booby. 
So, so, now get ye into that Chest there.  Alder. 
That Chest, Booby.  Booby. 
Ay, ay, quick, quick, leave the rest to me.  Alderm. 
Ah, dear Booby, I am bound to thee for ever.  Alderman gets into the Chest. Booby. 
Now will I swear to them, that I saw him get out of a Window upon the Leads to the next House, which they believing me their Friend, will doubtless give credit to.  Wilding. 
The next Room open that, the Rascal has hid himself there.  Booby. 
Indeed, Gentlemen, here's no one here but myself; the Alderman is got out of the Window to the other side of the House.  Exit Booby. Alderm. 
Oh, dear Booby, well, never Man had such a Servant.  Enter Beatrice. Beatrice. 
Ah, have I caught ye, Mr. Booby, 'ifaith. This Rogue turns Cat in Pan, and has hid my Father there in the Chest, and now for the sake of Money, intends to put a Trick upon us; 'twas well I had the Curiosity of Peeping, for I'll go and discover all his Roguery immediately.  Exit. Booby meets her. Booby. 
'Odsheart, who is this I see? Mrs. Beatrice. Nay then the cunning Gipsy has discovered all, I'm sure. Come turn out, Sir, quickly turn out, I must have a Counterplot instantly, or all's Ruined.  Alderm. 
What's the matter Booby?  Booby. 
Come out, come out, quick, quick.  Alderman comes out of the Chest. Alderm. 
Oh, I fancy they have got the Tokens of my Manhood in a Cleft Stick already.  Booby. 
Come, strip, strip, change Clothes and Hats with me presently,— I'll fit them with a Plot, 'ifaith.  Alderm. 
Oh, heavenly Booby!  Here they change Clothes. Booby. 
So, now as you take my place, I'll take yours, and let 'em come in when they please.  Booby gets into the Chest. Alderm. 
Most incomparable Booby! 'Odsnigs, I begin to be a little in Heart.— This was a rare Invention of the Rogue.  Cordelia. 
There, there, those Stairs on the Right-hand.  Booby Peeping out of the Chest. Booby. 
I tell ye, ye are mistaken, the Alderman is gone.  Enter Rover, Wilding, Cordelia, Julia, and Beatrice. Rover. 
Ye lying Rascal, we have discovered your Villainy, Sirrah, and will reward ye; in the mean time take that and that.  Beats the Alderman, mistaking him for Booby. Alderm. 
Ah, with all my heart, and so farewel t'ye. Oh rare Booby.  Exit Alderm. Wilding. 
There, there's the Chest, let's see what's in it.  Julia. 
A huge bundle of Iniquity, no doubt on't.  Cordelia. 
Hang him filthy Brute, he is too bad to live; come pull him out Brother, that I may be Revenged.  Rover. 
Oh, are you here, Sir?  Opening the Chest. Booby. 
Yes, Sir, I am here, Sir.  Starting up. Omnes. 
How, Booby!  Booby. 
Ay, ay, the very same, I am Booby, Sir.  Wilding. 
And dressed like the Alderman, these are Wonders: Who's that went out then?  Booby. 
Oh, 'twas the Devil, Gentlemen, he has been Tormenting me this three Hours.  Rover. 
If it was the Devil, 'twas a strange fat bulky Devil; I am sure he had Substance enough, as my Cudgel here can witness.  Booby. 
Madam, I hearty beg your pardon for my Rudeness to ye; alas, I was Possessed.  Cordelia. 
Why was it you then all the while?  Booby. 
Me, me, only me: I have been Tempted this two days, to take the good Alderman's Habit to abuse you,— by that Devil that went out just now.  Rover. 
How came he by your Livery on?  Booby. 
Ay, 'tis a thieving Devil, he has some Frolic to play in it.  Julia. 
Nay, the Devil has strange Tricks with him now and then, that's the truth on't.  Rover. 
Come, come, let's go down and Examine this Business more narrowly; for howe'er you took this Shape to affront my Sister, to day; I'm sure, the Rank Alderman was in his own Shape Yesterday.  Cordelia. 
Pish, this must be a Lie: Will this Fellow make me believe, that the Devil could Eat and Drink with me.  Beatrice. 
How should the Devil get into our House?  Wilding. 
Come, come, we shall find out the Lie immediately, and so come along Friend.  Booby. 
Ay, with all my heart: And if you find it to be a Lie,  Rover. 
What then:  Booby. 
Why you have it as cheap as I, and so take it among ye.  Exeunt.  

SCENE. II.  Enter Alderman. Alderm. 
WAs there ever till this Moment, any Alderman of the City in such a Garb? Truly, I believe not since the Conquest. I have known many a Fool in the Habit of an Alderman, but never till now, an Alderman in the Habit of a Fool. Well Timothy Thrum, keep thy Shame to thyself if thou art wise; now would I fain know how Booby gets out of his Tribulation. 'Tis a witty Rogue, and no doubt was designed for a Whig by his admirable Cunning.— But stay, who have we here?  Enter La Bounce. La Bounce. 
Oh, Monsieur Rascale, have a me catch you, and vidout your Quarterstaff? Dat is ver' well now, me vull be revenge and cut your Throat, you Rogue.  Alderm. 
Oh, Lord, what shall I do? He takes me for Booby, and will Murder me.  La Bounce. 
Zoon, you Dog, how dare you affront a Soldier, and a Gentleman hoh?  Alderm. 
Oh, Lord, I ne'er affronted ye, Sir, not I  La Bounce. 
You lie like Son of Whore, and for dat me will Geld a you.  Alderm. 
Oh, what does he, will Geld me!  La Bounce. 
You shall not have one Stone to tro at a de Dog, nor Arm, nor Leg to stand upon, you Poltroon.  Alderm. 
Indeed, noble Sir, you mistake me, I am not the Person you take me for; I am a very honest Fellow, Sir, and your Worship's most humble Servant.  La Bounce. 
Ah, wheedling Rogue, but does shall not serve your turn: Remember the Quarterstaff, Rogue, remember dat, and dear is for you, and dear, and dear.  Beats him. Alderm. 
O Lord, I shall be Murdered. Pray, Sir, hold, and believe me, indeed I am not the Person you take me for.  La Bounce. 
Not the Person, vat a Diable are you den? Come along vid me to the Alderman's House, me fall soon know de truth of dat; Come, come along.  Alderm. 
Oh, by no means, Sir.  La Bounce. 
Oh, by all means, Sir, you may be do Rogue that run away and Rob him, I must know dat: Along, along, Troop, troop.  Alderm. 
Oh, what shall I do, this is worse than all.— If he brings me thither, I shall be discovered and disgraced for ever.  La Bounce. 
Oh, damn Rogue, vat you make face at, hah? Morblieu, dis must a be some Rascal Thief that have stola something.— Come along, along.  La Bounce pulls him out. Alderm. 
Oh, what shall I do, my Name will be a Byword to the Brethren, and my Reputation like a dead Dog, will stink above Ground.   

SCENE. III.  Enter Rover, Wilding, Cordelia, Julia, Beatrice with Booby. Cordelia. 
I Told you this lying Villain only put a Trick upon us, and on my Conscience, has not told us one word of truth in the whole Story.  Julia. 
Nay, the Rogue has a lying, leering, fleering Dog-face. Sirrah, I shall see that Face of yours upon the Gatehouse one time or other, fronting Sir Thomas.  Booby. 
I believe, forsooth, you would rather desire to see my Buttock there, if the truth were known.  Wilding. 
Any Limb would serve.  Rover. 
Ay, ay, any will serve, and one of 'em must come there, or else the Features of his Face are damned Liars.  Booby. 
I had rather you were all Hanged there, I deal plainly with ye.  Enter La Bounce and Alderman. La Bounce. 
Vere, vere is dis Alderman, me have brought a dam Rogue Rascalle, that me believe have Rob him.  Rover. 
How's this, the Alderman in Disguise, and brought back by Captain La Bounce; this was Luck 'ifaith.  Wilding. 
Your Servant, good Mr. Alderman.  Cordelia. 
Your obedient Vassal, sweet Mr. Alderman.  Julia. 
Your most Devoted, good Alderman Rampant.  La Bounce. 
Zoon, is does the Alderman himself? Vat a rare Plot is dis now? Me vul have his Daughter, or me vul swear Felony and Robbery against him Jeime.  Booby. 
Jeime, if you swear yourself to the Gallows, you shall not have her.  Discovers himself. Rover. 
What, do I see my dear Friend Will Lovewell?  Booby. 
The same, Sir, and no more Booby now, Mr. Alderman. I have a Note of your Hand here, which shall be either for Ten Thousand Pounds, or your Daughter.— You know my old Love to her, and shall now know I got into your Service for her sake.  Alderm. 
I am Confounded, and know not what to say. Take me, tear me to pieces, do what you will with me.  Cordelia. 
No, no, we'll be more merciful than so: You shall only be Exposed a little, and make Reparation for Affronts: You are Rich, Mr. Alderman.  Alderm. 
I shall have my Shame sung in Ballads to scurvy Tunes, 'twill be News all over the Exchange by to Morrow at this time. Oh I will shut myself up in my Countinghouse, and never see the World again.  Wilding. 
You will do the less Mischief, my Rampant Senator; but now to our Business in this World. Madam, this should be an hour of Mirth and Joy faith; surprise me with your Hand now, and say you are Mine.  Cordelia. 
There, Sir. This may be the Critical Minute for aught you know.  He kisses it. Rover. 
And what say you to me, pretty Mrs. Brisk.  Julia. 
Why, faith, there's mine too; hang't, I hate to stand out when any good Game is going forward.  Booby. 
Our Hands and Hearts are paired already.  Beatrice. 
I hope so, dear Lovewel, I'm sure I have shed many a Tear since my Father forbidden thee our House.  La Bounce. 
Vat a Diabla, must I have ne'er a Metresse den? Morblieu, me will fight vid every one of you. Take your Metresse away, and beget a Generation of Soldiers that shall scour the World, and defy the Devil and Fortune, and that is the Resolution of Captain La Bounce.  Rover. 
And so Bounce off good Captain, unless you will make one in a Dance; the Alderman has Fiddles in the House already, come strike up.  Dance here. 

This is at last our Alderman Disgraced,  
And we have shown the Lechery barefaced:  
Wenching in Hare-brained Youth's a shameful evil,  
But to be Old and Rampant, that's the Devil.  
For when Grey Hairs once freeze the Reverend Crown,  
Fancy may mount, but all things else go down.   
FINIS.