TOM ESSENCE: OR, The Modish Wife. A Comedy. As it is Acted at the Duke's Theatre.  

Licenced,  
Novemb. the 4th. 1676. Roger L'Estrange.   
LONDON, Printed by T. M. for W. Cademan, at the Popes-Head in the Lower Walk of the New-Exchange in the Strand, 1677.   

PROLOGUE.  
WHat! will no warning do?— you're hardened grown,  
So often jilted, yet will be Cullyed on?  
'Tis strange— but your good Natures, Sirs, will sway  
Powerful Variety you must obey:  
I thought your last bad Treatment was enough,  
As you're of Sermons t'ave made ye too Play-proof;  
Yet— maugre all, you will assist the Cheat,  
Tho ye see danger, you'll pursue the feat.  
Like brisk young Fop that's heated with desire,  
When knowing Miss does subtly fan his fire,  
Tho sure of Clap— yet will he not retire.  
Then take your Chance, the first time 'twill not be,  
If it prove bad, that we have Consend ye;  
Yet we applaud your Curiosity.  
For Gallants, should ye fatally engage  
To keep from hence till Wit returns to th' Stage,  
I fear but few of ye will see that Age.  
Then, since the fault's your own, beened too severe  
On us— your poor and willing Servants here  
For Faith— we treat,  
With all the little Wit that you can spare.   

The Persons Names.  

Mr. Percival, Old Monylove. A Credulous old Fool, who has a young Wife.  
Mr. Crosby, Courtly. A sober Gentleman, Servant to Theodocia.  
Mr. Norris, Loveall. A wild Debauched Blade.  
Mr. Gillow, Stanley. Gallant to the Old Man's Wife.  
Mr. Lee, Tom Essence. A jealous Coxcomb of his Wife.  
Mr. Richards, Laurence. Love-all's Man.  
Mrs. Hughes, Mrs. Monylove The Old man's Wife, and Mother-in-Law to Theodocia.  
Mrs. Barry, Theodocia, Daughter to Old Monylove.  
Mrs. Osburn, Luce, A Widow disguised, and passes for Theodocia's Maid.  
Mrs. Gibbs, Mrs. Essence, Tom Essence's Wife very Impertinent and jealous of her Husband.  
Mrs. Napper, Betty, Mrs. Monyloves' Maid.  
Servants, Attendants, Bailiffs, etc.   The Scene, LONDON.  

Tom Essence: OR, The Modish Wife.  
ACT the First.  

Scene the First.  Scene, Covent-Garden. Luce alone. 
FOrtune— thou hast proved kind in placing me  
So near my Rival Theodocia;  
And now false Love-all suddenly shall find  
A Woman's Honour, nor his Perjuries  
Shall rest long unrevenged—  
When by his soothing Language, cunning Arts,  
With Protestations to be none but mine,  
I was betrayed to his unruly flame:  
But thus disguised, as Theodocia's Maid,  
I've subtly won her Love— so that when e'er he comes  
I easily shall frustrate his design.—  To her Theodocia. Theo. 
Ah my dear Luce—  
Were't not for thee, my labouring heart would break:  
Thy Friendship eases my disturbed mind,  
And I shall ne'er forget that happy hour  
In which thy Cousin brought thee— since thou dost prove  
Not only of Servants, but the best of Friends.  Luce. 
Madam, whatever hitherto I've done,  
Or shall hereafter do, will prove at last  
To be my Duty— but Madam, your sad looks  
And frequent sighs betray an inward grief;  
Let me Conjure you, by that Name of Friend,  
Which you've been pleased to think me worthy of,  
Reveal the cause of this unusual Sadness.  Theo. 
Ah Luce— a Father's Rigour does disturb my mind  
So much, he's blinded with the love of Wealth,  
He'd have me Cancel all my former Vows  
Which I by his command did make to Courtly,  
And place 'em on Love-all, whom I never saw,  
But by his Picture,— so that either way  
I must prove perjured or disobedient.  Luce. 
But Madam— if Courtly's false, your Vows will then  
Be canceled, his silence may cause suspicion;  
For 'tis at lest a month since he left the Town:  
And were he constant, as his love seemed true,  
He could not have forborn so long a time  
From sending kind expressions of his heart,  
T' oblige a pleasing answer— but  Mrs. Essence ready above. 
A constant Lover in this Age is rare;  
'Tis gallantry to break the Vows of Love,  
And he's the bravest man, who has been most  
Perfidious to his Mistress—  Theo. 
Forbear dear Luce such fatal suppositions:  
Hear I'm inclined to think all that is false  Pulls out a Picture. 
Dwells in this man— each feature, all the air  
Proclaims a guilt of all things that are ill—  
Oh, take that hated object from my sight  (giveth Luce the Picture. Luce. 
Ha! Lovels Picture!—  (Theo. pulls out another Picture. 
My Soul's transported with this gift,  
So highly I esteem what she rejects,  
That I have been but one continued thought  
How to obtain th' original.  
This present may an happy omen prove,  
To my desires— t' enjoy the man I love.  Theo. 
But look on this— then check thy rash opinion:  
Canst thou see here e'er an inconstant line—  
Ah what a pleasing air dwells on this Face!  
These eyes display at once—  
A charming sweetness, and a noble pride;  
Nay, all the Lineaments bespeak him one  
So truly brave and noble, that 'twere a crime  
Unpardonable but to think him false.  Luce. 
This piece indeed denotes a noble soul:  
Yet Madam, pleasing looks have often proved  
The cloud and varnish of a Treacherous mind:  
Yet since your Love's so great, I cannot blame  
Your just resentments of a Father's rigour.  Theo. 
By all that's good I love him— yet I must— oh—  (She faints and lets fall the Picture. Luce. 
Help, help— some help for Charity.  To them Tom. Essence. T. Ess. 
How now Mrs. Luce, what's the matter!  Luce. 
My Lady is not well—  T. Ess. 
Is that all? your cry was so loud, I thought of nothing less than a Rape— poor soul, she's very silent— that my damned tattling Wife would take example of this divine silent Creature—  Luce. 
Pray Mrs. Essence hold her till I call more help to carry her in  Exit Luce, Mrs. Essence discovered at a Window. T. Essence. 
She's cold— I'll try if she has life— (kisses her) Amber, Musk, and Civit!— I protest I know not whether she breathes or no— (kisses her again) she's Essence of Violets from head to foot— what a ravishing lip is here!—  Mrs. Essence. 
What is't I see, my Husband with a Woman in's Arms— 'tis so— he kissing her— Oh precious Rogue! must I suffer this! I'll be sooner with you than you desire y' faith.  Exit Mrs. Essence. To him Luce and a Maid. T. Essence. 
Come, come away, 'tis pity such a pretty plump (and I believe sound) thing, should slip into the other World at an Age, in which she is capable to do good in this.  Exeunt] Enter Mrs. Essence alone. 
Gone! how soon they've quitted the place, as if the Plague were here— I have often wondered at his late coldness to me; but now I find he denied me those refreshing Comforts to bestow them on his new Miss; this is the crying sin o' th' Nation, grown common among the Blockheaded Husbands, as well as with the single Libertines, who think every man's Dish ought to be at their command to carve where they like best; and 'tis grown so modish, that the accomplished Gallants, as they call themselves, will not Marry unless they may have the freedom of keeping a Love-toy, as they name those lewd Creatures; for a bare Wise won't down with 'em— when Heaven knows they need not ramble, did they perform their duties at home; but the Wife must starve and languish whilst they are at their Varieties— but in Troth it shan't be so with my peirt Blockhead; I'll hold him so strictly to't hereafter,— that I'll spoil his gadding I'll warrant him—  (Spies the Picture. 
Ha! what's here? if this dusky light deceives me not— 'tis a rich case—  
By're leave, I must see your inside—  (Opens the Picture, starts. To her Tom Essence. T. Ess. 
Heaven's be praised, 'twas but a swoon— 'tis a lovely soul, and on my Conscience not of my old Neighbours Begetting— Her skin's as white and smooth as Pomatum— but mum— here's my Mortifier—  Mrs. Essence. 
Venus bless me, 'tis a lovely Picture—  (aside T. Essence. 
What's that she's so devout at?— ha!— Stars shine out—  (Looks over her Shoulder. 
Gad take me— gad forgive me, 'tis the Picture of a smooth-faced Fellow.  Mrs. Essence. 
What a Surprising look is here! Oh these bewitching Eyes and tempting Lips!  (Kisses the Picture. 
Methinks they melt with such a sweetness! I could for ever dwell upon 'em—  (aside. T. Ess. 
'Slife, she'll Fornicate with the Picture!  Mrs. Essen. 
Ah Mrs. Essence, what would become of thee, hadst thou the addresses made thee by such a comely Person; that Woman were a Beast that could deny the kindness he should sue for— Oh my cursed Fortune! to make one of the Vulgar my Yokefellow, 'twere better to be a Miss to such a one as this, than to be Coupled as I am— pretty thing— but such a Picture of Ill-luck is my Loggerhead, that a Bear to me is the more beautiful Beast of the two, and would be more pleasing—  (aside. T. Ess. 
A Goat would to satisfy your Appetite—  (Snatches the Picture. 
How now Madam Flippant, have I caught you traducing the Honour of your Lawful Sovereign, your Husband— What, what defect have I that should be corrected and amended; this shape and mein in times of Yore were not contemptible when Knights Daughters with their Thousands did prostrate themselves to me; and Maids of Honour, when I carried Gloves and Ribbons to Court to 'em, have sued for Kindnesses which you have reaped; and I pray, what are you, but an Oyl-firkin, whose sole composition is lamp-oil and Anchovis.  Mrs. Ess. 
Yes, yes, I know well enough that—  T. Ess. 
Do you so jesabel— and after my rejecting my aforesaid creams of beauty to the fletton-milk of thy Countenance, am I thus rewarded? You grow so Rampant, that the plain wholesome dish of a Husband won't down with you, without the Ragous' of a Gallant.  Mrs. Ess. 
Go to, my special Property, and Cover-lid of Iniquity— inslame not my resentments— but restore my Picture— and that instantly—  T. Ess 
Then this is my kind Journeyman, is it?— hum, a pretty Rogue to rob, an honest Citizen of his good name,— but did I know him, by Finsbury I'd maul him.  Mrs. Ess. 
Leave off your idle fantastic fancies, and restore my Picture with those submissions that become a Husband; and beg pardon for prying into my Secrets, or I swear I'll act what you may repent you e'er provoked me to.  T. Ess. 
Make my Submissions? break thy Neck thou Traitor to my Honour; 'Slife stop that Clack of thine, or upon Rep, I'll quarter thee, and set 'em upon the Citty-Gates for a terror to all Extravagant Domineering Wives.  Mrs. Ess. 
And what shall be done to whoring disloyal Husbands?  T. Ess. 
Yet again!— Stand forth, and make up your mouth as demurely as on the day of my Tribulation and Bondage, which was my Wedding-day with thee— so now, against thy brazenfaced Ladyship, thus I draw my Accusation:— Dorothy Essence, hold up thy hand,— hold up I say— so— I will show you, to your cost, what I learned last Sessions, when I was on the Jury.—  
Whereas thou Dorothy Essence, Wife of Thomas Essence, Milliner.  Mrs. Ess. 
Whereas thou Thomas Essence, Husband of Dorothy Essence Gentlewoman—  T. Ess. 
Gentlewoman with a Pox— a Citizen's Daughter and a Gentlewoman—  
Not having Grace or Obedience before your eyes—  Mrs. Ess. 
Not having Grace or Obedience before your eyes.  T. Ess. 
But being moved by the Diabolical discourses of lewd wild Gallants.  Mrs. Ess. 
But being moved by the Diabolical glances of lewd wanton Creatures.  T. Ess. 
By Ambergreese and Pomander leave off— or— Hast Feloniously stolen from the body of thy said Husband—  Mrs. Ess. 
Hast Feloniously stolen from the body of thy said Wife.  T. Ess. 
The inestimable commodity of his Life and Calling, his Reputation.  Mrs. Ess. 
The inestimable commodity of her Life and Calling, her Reputation.  T. Ess. 
To his damage, and against the peace of our Sovereign Lord the King, and so forth.  Mrs. Ess. 
To her damage—  T. Ess. 
Cudslid Silence.— How sayest thou Dorothy, Guilty or not Guilty?  Mrs. Ess. 
How sayest thou Thomas, Guilty or not Guilty—  T. Ess. 
As gad-sa'me, leave off your tricks and plead, or Sentence shall pass upon you to be Pressed to death.  Mrs. Ess. 
Not Guilty my Lord—  T. Ess. 
Say you so?— How wilt thou be tried then?  Mrs. Ess. 
By this—  (Snatches the Picture and runs out. Exit. T. Ess. 
Good— She's run away with the King's Witness that shall hang her; however, I'll after her, for fear by tampering she spoil my Evidence.  Exit.  

SCENE, A Garden to Old Monylove's House.  Mrs. Monylove and Betty. Mrs. Mon. 
It's dark— Art sure you gave Stanley right directions?  Betty. 
Madam I did— but it is not yet the hour; besides, should he come, he'd go directly to your Chamber-window, according to your appointment, and the Ladder is let down.  Mrs. M. 
On better thoughts I came hither to prevent his coming to my Chamber, therefore prithee step up and see if he be there; if not, here I will expect him.  (Exit Betty 
That Stanley loves me, is questionless, otherwise so brisk a Town-gallant as he could ne'er have proved so constant to his Amour, considering the frequent repulses I have given him; I must reward his Constancy, but not with yielding to his desires; for though (by my old Master Sir Timothy Thrivewell's contrivance, who having been busy with me, and fearing I should prove fruitful to his disgrace) I am Married to a Superannuated Fool; yet in despite of all temptations and opportunities, if it be possible that flesh and blood can hold out, I'll keep those Vows I made to my old Dotard, in hopes that Heaven, to reward my Loyalty to him, will take compassion on my Youth, and by his death, make me capable of making a younger Brothers fortune.— not yet come?— I'll take another turn.  Exit. Enter Love-all, Laurence. Lau. 
Sir, Sir, are you mad? should we be discovered, what can we expect less than a seizure for suspicion of Felony, Burglary, or what not, and so be worshipfully hanged for a frolic.  Lov. 
Thou dull insipid Ass, he's no true Lover, who will not run some danger for the sight of's Mistress; and I swear, ere I sleep, if possible, I'll either see or discourse with her; that when I am in bed, I may dream myself into a passion which may enable me more vigorously to express my Love to morrow: for, if she proves as witty as her Picture describes her fair, I shall be beyond expression happy—  Lau. 
No question Sir, but you'll be monstrous vigorous to morrow, should you do as you say— Dream yourself into a passion.— But Sir, in my opinion your Dream would prove more pleasant, if you would home to Bed, and fancy her one of those fine Ladies you've Courted and enjoyed; that is the true Elysium slumber! Hang these Night-spirits, the damned suspicion of their being either Old or Ugly, would sooner put me into a Fright, than create Amorous thoughts.  Lov. 
Sirrah, not a word more, and stir not from this place till I come again; nor breath for your life, lest any one should overhear you—  Exit Loveall. Lau. 
I am a Slave Sir— So, now is he as hot after fresh game, as a new cured Gallant that runs a Tilt against the next Perticoat he meets, to try his Doctor's skill— It's not above two months since he swore a Rich Widow into belief of his Counterfeit Love; for she (good natured soul!) thinking him real, yielded; but so soon as he had done the feat, he (like the rest of his Brother strikers) turned tail and sneaked away without taking leave— ha— I hear somebody coming— now honest Laurence, to save thy Carcase, what wouldst thou give for Daphne's faculty of being turned into a Tree?  Noise. Enter Theo. Luce. Theo. 
Come my dear Friend—  
Let's recreate ourselves in these cool shades,  
And for a while divert my troubled mind  
From wracking thoughts—  
For his tormenting silence prompts me to think  
That your suspition's just— Ah! were he here,  
A Father's rigorous power should not prevail.  Luce. 
I wonder Madam that he's not yet come,  
Since I writ word of what consequence  
His presence would be here— and used, I thought,  
Sufficient motives to have hastened him.  Theo. 
Pray Heaven he's well—  Lau. 
She's very passionate poor Creature!—  Lau. Stumbles and makes a noise. Theo. 
Ha! who's there?—  Lau. 
Cudslid I'm discovered, but fie come off.— I am a Friend and Servant of your happy Lovers, Madam— who is fortunately arrived to ease your griefs:  
This must be Mrs. Theodocia—  (aside. Theo. 
Is fortune then so kind?— Say Friend, to whom it is you do belong?—  Lau. 
Belong Madam? to whom should I belong, but to him who admires, dotes, and thinks of nothing in the world, but of your fair self? My knowledge of th' entreigue of the Picture will convince you who I serve:— Say Madam, is it not an excellent Picture, and describes the Original deserving?—  Theo. 
My doubts are cleared, it must be Courtly's man.  
Ah tell me if thy Master be in Town—  
If he is, fly to him and bring him hither;  
Tell him with what impatience here I wait  
His coming, to confirm our plighted Loves.  Lau. 
That you may quickly do Madam, for he's in this Garden; and since you are so impatient, I'll venture a broken Nose to find him out— Oh Love what power hast thou, that with a picture canst create a flame!  Exit Lau. Theo. 
Come Luce, let's haste to meet the man I Love—  Exeunt Theo, Luce. Enter Mrs. Mon. Betty, Love-all at a distance. Betty. 
He's not yet come Madam—  Mrs. M. 
Art sure the Garden door is open— see—  Exit Betty. Lov. 
This must be She; for by the sudden glimpse of a light from the Houses, I saw her shape and mein; and both seemed pleasing—  (aside. Mrs. M. 
Ha! there's some body; it must be he— hist, hist.  Lov. 
Who's there?— Now Love assist me—  (aside Mrs. M. 
Speak softly Friend, for should the old man's spies  
(As questionless such Agents he may have  
To pry into my Actions) over hear,  
Or discover you, I too soon should lose  
The good opinion which with care I 've gained  
With my old Dotard, and be incapable  
To prosecute my intended kindness,  
Which for requital of your constant Love  
I have designed—  
For know, the Assignation which I've made,  
Is to propose what may advantageous prove  
To you for ever, if you approve of it.  aside. Lov. 
Ha! blessed mistake! this is the old man's Wife  
My Uncles once convenient Utensil:  
Now for some Love-intreigue; Horns on my life  
Are making for the old Fools empty Noddle.  Mrs. M. 
In short 'tis this—  
By my contrivance, I have won my Husband  
To force his Daughter Theodocia  
To break those Vows which formerly she made  
To Courtly— and I, assisted by my old Gallant  
(Who made this cursed match for me, and thinks  
Me loyal to his Intreigue) have, much ado,  
Persuaded my old man to give consent  
That Sir Timothy's debauched wild Nephew, Love-all,  
Shall marry Theodocia—  Lov. 
Good— meaning me, kind Devil!—  (aside. Mrs. M. 
But I've a plot runs counter to both theirs—  
For I've resolved Theodocia shall be yours.  Lov. 
So,— now must I to exercise with rusty Bilbo;  
For since I've Rivals, I may conclude she's handsome;  
Which if she proves, I'll do what I before did not design:  
I'll marry her— before my intentions were  
Only t'have Wheadled her good Nature up to Love,  
Then given her strong sufficient proofs of mine;  
That done gently, have left her in the fashion.  Mrs. M. 
Why stand you mute? do not six thousand pounds  
And a fair Virtuous Lady deserve thanks?— ha— Betty?—  Enter Betty. Betty. 
Madam, Mr. Stanley is now entered the Garden—  Mrs. M. 
How, Stanley said you! he's here already, wench—  Betty. 
It's impossible, I parted with him but now at the Garden gate.  Lov. 
Now brain assist me to get off— I have it.  
Madam, I must confess I'm not the man  
Whose bliss you labour; yet be he whom he will,  
I love that Lady with as pure a flame as he;  
Yet I confess I find he has the odds  
Of me, in having two most powerful Advocates,  
Fortune and yourself to plead his cause.  Mrs. M. 
'Tis Courtly sure; but I'll not seem to know him.  (aside. 
Sir, who e'er you are, that thus rudely 've entered  
This place at so unseasonable a time,  
'Twill be the safest way to quit it soon;  
But if you obstinately stay, I shall conclude  
What now I but suspect: That your design  
Is not for Love, but to rob the House.  Lov. 
Of a fair Lady's heart, by Heaven I would:  
Could I but seize on Theodocia's Love,  
I would submit to the severest sentence  
A Father's rigour could pronounce.  Mrs. M. 
Oh Betty, this can be none but Courtly,  
My Daughter's Lover, and my design is ruined;  
For questionless he'll tell my Husband of it— then,—  Betty. 
Fear nothing Madam, if he proves so base  
I'll take't upon myself, as if I did  
Personate you; and I thank my Stars,  
I have a Confidence can match the boldest blade.  Mrs. M. 
Let's haste then to my Chamber, lest the Servants  
Should discover Stanley there.  Mrs. M. Betty. Exeunt. Lov. 
They are gone— good—  
What have I got now by my Curiosity?  
Only the knowledge that I have a Rival,  
And consequently blood must ensue.  (Call Luce. 
Well, happen what will, I am resolved to morrow  
I'll see her; and if possible, find out  
Who this Rival is.  Enter Laurence. Lau. 
Hist,— Sir, Sir, it grows damnable dark.  Lov. 
Who's there, Laurence?  Lau. 
The same Sir, honest Laurence; and in despite of the Proverb, no Lazy Laurence, for I've been active; both Brain and Limb I've ventured to do you Service, and so successful I have proved, that with the Emperor I may say, Veni, I came up to her; Vidi, I had a glimpse of her Phisnomy; but Vici, I came over her: y' faith the Town's your own, impatient she is now in quest of you; i' th' Garden to find you out, my Nose and Tree have had several encounters; but that I am honest probatum est, my Nose stands right, and smells your Mistress near.  Lov. 
My precious Rogue, where is she?  Lau. 
Not far, I'll engage. Poor Soul, I no sooner named the Picture, but she was on tip toe of desire to speak with you: But she comes— to her Sir, fear no colours, for I have broke the Ice.  (Noise of a Door shutting. Lov. 
Sirrah, I hear a Door shut; see if it be the Gardens, and bring me word.  Lau. 
I'll endeavour to find it out Sir, and if I escape this soft whole, I'll be hanged ere I'll venture on such another Romantic project.  Exit. Lau. Enter to Love-all, Luce. Luce. 
Her Love has guided her so fast, I've lost her;  
But I'll take th' other turn to find her out. Ha!  (Offers to go. Lov. takes hold of her. Lov. 
My Life, my Soul: I want words to express  
My joys, for this blessed opportunity  
Of making known to you my restless Love.  Luce. 
How's this? 'tis Love-all's Voice, my forsworn Servant.  
Too sure 'tis he, for my rebellious heart  
Leapt in my breast when he began to speak.  Aside. Lov. 
Your beauty by your Picture is displayed;  
And if with beauty you have mercy too,  
My joys will be complete; for by those Stars  
Which borrow lustre from your Eyes, I swear  
I am so Fettered with Love's pleasing toils,  
That I can sooner die than cease to love.  Luce. 
Too true, 'tis he; the very words he used  
When he betrayed my Honour, Perjured man!  Aside. Lov. 
How! dumb, my fair? this shall unlock your lips.  (Offers to kiss her. Luce. 
Keep off Sir, and who ere you are, you're rude;  
What business have you here? and pray with whom?  Lov. 
I am Love-all, who cannot, will not rest  
Till I have heard my Doom.  
I know not by what art the Painter drew  
That Picture which was sent me by my Uncle:  
But sure your beauty 'twas that did inspire him;  
For with his Pencil h' has so powerfully drawn  
Such killing sweetness, and attractive Charms  
That I no sooner saw,  
But lost my liberty, and became a Lover.  
— Not speak, my fair?  
Torment me not with this your killing silence,  
But kindly answer me, and bid me live.  Luce. 
It shall be so.  
Sir, your love by your impatience you have shown;  
But should I yield ere I have tried or seen  
The man that sues for love, what could I expect,  
But a just censure of a forward longing  
For a Husband; or at least  
My discretion might be called in question.  
Then Sir, desist at present: fear; yet hope,  
For till I've approved your person, tried your flame,  
I shall forbear further discoursing with you:  
If your Love's true, comply with my desires,  
And quit this place; for should we be discovered  
By any of the Servants, my Honour would suffer;  
Therefore good night, but take this with you Sir—  
I long for the approaching day as much as you.  (Exit Luce. Lov. 
She's gone; happy, happy Love-all;  
Her wit, by her discretion, she has shown:  
I'm so transported with my happiness,  
I know not what to do.  
Where is this Rascal now? that I might home,  
And in a dream I'll Antedate my bliss.  Exit. Enter Stanley; after him Laurence. Stan. 
What should this fellow be? perhaps 'tis one ordered to expect my coming, and with more safety to conduct me to her.  (aside. Lau. 
Is she not a charming Creature? what a Devil should make you quit th' encounter so soon? the Garden door goes with a spring-lock, no fear of being impounded for this Trespass: Well, had I been half as much in Love as you pretend to be, I should have given her further proofs of it e'er we had parted. Oh 'tis the fondest Tit, and talks so prettily of Love! you're strangely altered on the sudden; you were not so cold and backward when you attempted and enjoyed the Frollick-widdow at Stamford.  Stan. 
How's this? Some Villain (on my life) designing force on Theodocia's Virtue, knowing she uses to walk late at Nights in this Garden; but I'll spoil his Plot. Sir, discover who that Devil your Master is, or I'll cut your Throat.  (lays hold on Lau. Lau. 
Ha! Pox on't, what a damned mistake was this: now some trick to get off;  
I'll Huff: How Sir, will you cut my Throat Sir?  Stan. 
Yes Sir, if you defer your answer; therefore be speedy.  Lau. 
So I will y' saith; murder, murder.  (Lau. slips out of Stanly's hand, and runs out crying Murder. Stan. 
The Rogue is gone, and will Alarm the House; what shall I do?  Enter Loveall. Lov. 
That was my Rascal's voice: Hist Laurence: Sirrah, Dog, how you yelp.  Stan. 
Another Villain? Defend your life, who e'er you are.  (draws. Lov. 
My Rival I hope: Now Luck, if't be thy will, direct my Sword.  (they fight. Enter Lau. Lau. 
What shall I do, there's a whole Regiment coming: Ha! a Ladder; b' your leave, this shall be my way.  Gropes about, & finds the Ladder; goes up the wrong-side. Lov. 
Company coming? then 'tis time to Retreat.  Exit. Enter Servants with Lights. Seru. 
From this place the noise came; come along, come along.  Stan. 
Now Wit assist me.  Stanley slips off his Habit; discovers a Devil's Habit; puts on a Masque, goes and meets them; they run out crying, the Devil— Lau. 
How? the Devil! Heaven have mercy on my soul, what will become of me now?  Stan. 
Thanks good contrivance, this has done me Service, and all is hushed again: My fighting Blade gone too. Now for the soft caresses of my Love, her yielding kindness will countervail past dangers: I wish all doting Fools had such obliging Wives as my Miss proves; what a gentile world it would be then? The Candle's brought.  (A Candle set in the Window. 
Thus to my Heaven I mount.  As Stanley goes up the right way, Lau. descends the wrong way of the Ladder. Lau. 
Fortune I thank thee for this discovery and deliverance: Old man, snore hard.  
When old Fools Wed, they must with Horns dispense:  
Horns are the just rewards for impotence.  
The end of the First Act.    

ACT the Second:  

Scene the First.  Scene, Mrs. Monyloves' Chamber. Mrs. Monylove and Stanley. Stan. 
YOur reason's Madam have prevailed, and I'm become your Convert; henceforth I'll curb my loose desires: But which way shall we effect your kind Contrivance, which you for my advantage have designed? for Theodocia will not quit her Vows she made to Courtly, and your old man intends she shall be Love-all's Bride.  
Mrs. M. Were you once introduced into the Family, my Daughter-in-Law should be yours; for I'd so work upon the Old man's temper, that he should believe all I should say was true: I'd add some Ciphers to your small Estate, to make it swell above your Rivals; his Covetousness would then be assistant to the Cheat, and make him embrace you for his Son-in-Law.  Stan. 
What e'er we intent to do, must speedily be put in execution; for without question, the person I encountered in the Garden, was Love-all, her new-arrived Servant.  Enter Betty. Betty. 
Oh Madam, my Master's coming up Stairs.  Mrs. M. 
What shall we do, he's as fond as an old Baboon; the Nights I Articled with him upon Marriage, to lie alone, I designed for the enjoyment of myself; but he is so soon stirring in the morning, that I am as much plagued, as if I had lain with him all the Night; but his fondness would soon turn to Jealousy should he see you here; therefore good Sir, hide yourself under the Bed, or any where.  Stan. 
Madam, fear nothing: Betty, prithee help me on with my Coat: So, so, now I am prepared to receive him, and both of ye be sure to second what e'er I say.  (Old M. coughs within. Enter Old Monylove. Old M. 
Joy, where art? as I say, my Chick, I've hardly rested for want of thy sweet Company to Night: Ha! what do I see? a man in my Wife's Chamber so early? Bless me! in the name of goodness, what art thou?  Stan. 
Be not surprised good Sir, I am your Friend and Neighbour.  Old M. 
My Neighbour Sir! as I say, you may be my Neighbour, but not my Friend; I'll stand to't.  Betty. 
It's Dr. Bleedwell Sir, he lives within three doors of us; my Lady, last night, finding herself not well, sent me for him.  Stan. 
But I unfortunately was then abroad; so soon as I returned, my man informed me that your Maid was to inquire for me; I then immediately came to your House, and finding the Garden-door open, innocently entered; but such dismal shrieks I heard, and horrid Apparitions came up towards me, that I let the place with great Confusion.  Old M. 
Apparitions said you Sir? bless us!  Stan. 
Many Sir; one Devil among the rest, was five foot higher than the Dutchman that is showed about Town, with a great Beard, flaming Eyes, meager Looks, and a large pair of Horns on his head; a Citty-Devil on my life, by his Crest.  Old M. 
Sir, your Servant, I'll stand to't, the very Devil by his description, that Roger told me he saw.  Stan. 
When I was got home, and had recollected myself, I resolved to visit your Lady early this morning, to know her pleasure;— And let me tell you Sir—  Old M. 
What, what, will he tell me that he has Cuckolded me? as I say, I know not what to think, he seems a strongchined Knave.  (aside. Stan. 
Your Lady's in a desperate condition.  Old M. 
Condition Sir! what condition? ha!  Stan. 
Sound, Sound, Madam, (to Mrs. Mon.) See, see, now the Fits upon her; this is a Disease incident to young Married women, obstructions which often produce Madness, if not timely remedied.  Mrs. M. 
Oh sick, sick, where is my Master? were it not for his sake, I would resolve to die rather than undergo this torment long.  Old M. 
Oh kill me not dear Cock with such fatal words; if all I am worth can purchase thy health, thou shalt not want it, I'll stand to't. Good kind Sir, have some compassion on a wretched man, find out some speedy way to save my Chickens life; and as I say, here's your Fee, which shall be trebled when the Cure is perfected; I'll stand to't.  Sta. 
There is a way;— again the Fit's returned.  Mrs. Mon. Sownds. 
In short Sir, Tunbridge-waters are her only remedy.  Old M. 
They are sold in Town, I'll send for some immediately.  Stan. 
In Town? Save your money Sir; those Waters sold in Town, are mear Cheats, they put a little Salt-Peeter, Brimstone, Rusty iron to our Conduit-waters to nauciate the taste, which with the Ignorant, pass currant: but were they right, they lose their Virtue, once removed from the Spring; besides, the Air as well as Waters is assisting to the Cure.  Old M. 
To Tunbridge Wells you say Sir; Betty, put up your mistress's things, and bid the Fellow get the Coach ready, for we will go part of the way to Night.  Stan. 
Would you go, said you? not for the world Sir.  Old M. 
Why Sir, why may not I go?  Stan. 
I find Sir, you have no insight into our Learning; therefore your Ignorance is excusable.  Old M. 
What if I had Sir, what then?  Stan. 
You would not then have offered to have gone yourself; for as the memorable Italiano, in his Treatise de Elementis observes; some waters are of strange natures, and different effects in operation: Particularly he mentions a Spa near Room, whose water was excellent for the Cure of Barrenness, if Women went without their Husbands: And he tells a Story, that some suspicious Husbands accompanying their Wives to those waters, instead of Curing, they proved absolute Poison to the women, so that no less than six and forty Marryed-women lost their lives in one day: but says he, had the Jealous Coxcombs stayed at home, they had saved their Wife's lives, and their Cures had been effected.  Old M. 
Goodness defend me! but Sir, are Tunbridge-waters of that nature?  Stan. 
Of a far stranger; for should any of your Servants go with her, it may endanger her Life.  Old M. 
Some body must, for fear of further sickness.  Stan. 
Any of her own Relation or Acquaintance may, without danger.  Old M. 
Let me see— my Daughter cannot, she's to be Married; were that don, The. and her Husband should have borne her Company— Oh I have it: my Dear, prithee send to my Cousin Pride, the Mercer's Wife, she's acquainted with the place, and found benefit by the Waters; and that very Summer she drank them, soon after she had a chopping Boy.  Mrs. M. 
What you please Master, but my Maid says, some of her Relations live near the Wells.  Old M. 
But Duck, our Neighbour Dr. says, none of the Family must go.  Stan. 
Yes, yes Sir, her own Maid may with security, but none that belongs to you.  Old M. 
Let it be so then, and Heaven bless the Remedy, and may the Waters pass.  Mrs. M. 
Hast Betty, and put up my clothes whilst the old man is in the humour: Oh sick; good Dr. some speedy Remedy, and commiserate my sad condition.  Old M. 
'Las poor fool, it grieves my soul, and see, it melts to tears.  weeps. Enter Boy. Boy. 
Sir Timothy Thrivewell, Sir, and a Gentleman, are in the Dining Room, and desires to see you.  Old M. 
My good Friend, and his long expected Nephew I warrant: Wife, I'll see you again ere you go: Sirrah, bid my Daughter come to me in the Dining-room.  Boy. 
She's there already Sir.  Old M. 
That's well: Sir, I hope you will excuse my abrupt departure.  Stan. 
Your Servant Sir: I'll write (ere I go) a Dyary for your Lady, in what method she must drink the Waters; and if they operate as I expect, think of getting a Boy Mr. Monylove.  Old M. 
Ha, ha, he, kind Sir, your Servant; how, I get a Boy, you jest, you jest, I'll stand to't.  Old M. Exit. Stan. 
Indeed Miracles are ceased: What a credulous Ass is an old Dotard. Now Madam I have thought on a way to perfect your design, and to make me happy with fair Theodocia.  Mrs. M. 
I have, an Intreigue which certainly must take for introducing you into the Family; but at your Lodging we will discourse further of it, therefore hast thither and expect me.  Stan. 
I fly Madam, and shall think the hours, Ages, till I see you there.  Exeunt severally.  

SCENE the Second. Monyloves' House.  Luce Sola. 
False man! he's now repeating what to me he said,  
To Theodocia, and should she prove as credulous as I,  
My hopes would be blasted: may Heaven direct her,  
And make her hate him, which she sure would do,  
Were she informed of his Ingratitude.  
What shall I do? Although his injuries  
To me, have been beyond expression great,  
Yet my Rebellious heart pleads for him still,  
And will not let entertain a thought  
That might persuade to Jealousy.  Enter Laurence? Lau. 
Now Mrs. Repository of thy Lady's Secrets, since my Master, like the bold Knight, is encountering your Lady, according to Romantic method, I, the Squire of his body, should caress thee, the Squiress of her body; and thus I accost my Damsel, and display affection.  (Offers to kiss her. Luce. 
Away, you are too Saucy.  Lau. 
Balk not a young Lover in his first Address, for by all those fine things my Hero is saying to thy Lady, thy beauty has so smitten me, that I languish all night, and sigh all the day, and so forth.  (he sings. Luce. 
And never saw me before?  Lau. 
Yes, but I have— thy likeness, but let that pass.  Luce. 
My likeness Sir?  Lau. 
Yes, thine, little wild Cat: Let me see, where was it?— oh, in my Dream last night; methoughts thou wert the kindest, comingst thing— but a Pox on these backward Interpretations of Dreams, for I find, That fancy did, what Phillis will not do.  (sings. Luce. 
I hope this Fellow knows me not, I'll try him further, and will seemingly comply; he may perhaps discover Love-all's intentions to me. Well Sir, I Vow ablush blush to find myself so forward; for I must confess the first sight of you bred an alteration in me, but your gay frolic humour so extremely pleases me, that if you prove as sincere a passionate Lover as your Master seems to be to my Mistress, and they make it a match— here is my hand upon it, I will not be backward.  Lau. 
If you are, I'll soon man you— why so, this makes the Proverb good, Happy is that Wooing which is not long a doing. Hang all Love-speeches, they serve only to screw a man up to such unreasonable protestations, that of necessity he must break'em; or keeping them, proclaim himself an easy Fool: But my Master (Heaven be praised) knows better thing good man— ha, ha, he— his Vows will ne'er trouble him.  Luce. 
Is not your Master real in his Love to my Mistress?  Lau. 
Oh yes, he's as really Passionate as Tarquin in his Addresses to a Woman he likes; his design is only to stretch a Commandment, or so, with her good Gentleman.  (aside. Enter Boy. 
How now Scoundrel, what come you for?  Boy. 
Here are some Letters for my Master.  Luce. 
Ha! Letters for him?  (aside. Lau. 
Give 'em me Sirrah, I'll deliver 'em.  Luce. 
My fancy questionless must take. (aside. I'll ease you of that trouble Sir, if you please, and carry them in.  (to Lau. Lau. 
Wilt thou? with all my heart; for to say truth, I long to be carousing with my Companions in the Cellar: I should have spoke with my Master, but the business requires no haste, another time will serve— dost hear oh Damsel fair, when I am full fraught, expect a broadside from me; for Wine elevates my soul, adds confidence, and will make me boldly express the violent out-going I have for thy sweet self.  (Exit Lau. Luce. 
I luckily have thought upon a way  
Which of necessity must take.  
Fortune Revenge, I both your aids implore,  
To cure my Honour, and my Love restore;  
And both your powers for ever I'll adore.  Exit:  

SCENE the Third. Tom Essence with the Picture. Scene, Covent-Garden.  T. Ess. 
So, so, I have recovered it at last: I rose early this morning, and picked her Pocket of it while she was in bed: now I'll take a view of my precious Padder for hearts.  Enter Courtly. Court. 
My soul's alarmed with that fatal news  
Which Theodocia sent in her Letter:  
Thou fair example of true Love and Constancy,  
I fly to rescue thy unsullied Virtue,  
And will redeem it from a Father's power.  (goes towards T. Essence. 
Oh Heavens! I either dream, or sure that Fellow  
Has my Picture which I gave to Theodocia  
When I went out of Town— I'll go nearer.  (looks over T. Ess. his Shoulder. T. Ess. 
I know him not at present— certainly he was never my Customer:  
Wretched Mr. Essence, to what a destiny art thou born, that such a smooth-faced Rascal should tumble thy Wife, and rifle her of thy reputation.  Court. 
By Heaven, the pledge of my eternal love;  
Strange thoughts and jealousies throng in and fill  
My troubled breast,  
And fatal sears would urge me to suspect  
That Theodocia is unconstant grown.  (looks again, etc. T. Ess. 
What, what would this Fellow have?— honest Tom. must thou never go abroad again, but must expect to be pointed at for a Hen-peckt Fribble; in troth I pity thee.  Court. 
Hell and Confusion, 'tis too true the same.  (aside. T. Ess. 
This Fellow's as prying as an Informer: Sir, what are you, who would you speak with, what's your business, or are you a Counter-Vermin you stick so close? if you are, you're mistaken in your man: I owe nothing, my Wife's Portion paid my Debts, therefore march off before my Indignation flies about your ears.  Court. 
You must resolve me one question first Sir.  T. Ess. 
Must Sir?  Court. 
Yes, must Sir, and that quickly too.  T. Ess. 
Before you ask it Sir? The strangest Fellow I e'er met with in my life.  Court. 
Leave off Fooling, and tell me how you came by that Picture?  T. Ess. 
How I came by this Picture?  Court. 
The truth you Rogue, or I'll send thy soul to another world.  T. Ess. 
Rogue? very fine! in short my answer is, what is that to you, how I came by it.  Court. 
Sirrah trifle not, but tell me, or by Heaven—  T. Ess. 
Yes, do kill me, and I'll have thee hanged, if all I am worth can purchase a Halter. If he be a man of Honour, sure he won't kill me, because I have no weapons. Looks on Court. then on the Picture. (aside. How? how? how's this? Slice, this is the Villain that does my drudgery as they say; have I found you i'faith: now Thomas take courage & Huff him briskly— ha, ha, Sir, have I found you? this blustering won't do; what, no one but my Wife to satisfy you Goatish appetite: Cudslid avaunt, or I'll swinge you.  Court. 
Oh intolerable impertinence! Rascal, explain thyself, or I'll beat thy brains out.  T. Ess. 
If you can Sir, thanks to your Worship, my Noddle's hardened and too well guarded with your present you have bestowed upon me— you conceive me.  Court. 
Still more mysterious; Sirrah, leave off your riddling.  T. Ess. 
This is one of the impudentest Whoremasters I ever knew: he is not content to Cuckold me, but would force me to confess and declare myself one. Had I courage enough, I would chastise him till he were impotent.  Court. 
I'm on a wrack— By all that's good, tell me how you came by that Picture  (offers to draw. T. Ess. 
Well I must tell him; there's no remedy: How I came by it Sir? why I took it from my Wife; you might have saved me this labour, for you knew it well enough Sir; but I'll, I'll— but I say no more.  Court. 
Damnation! is the your Wife, from whom you had this Picture, said you?  T. Ess. 
She my Wife Sir? what now? yes Sir, I suppose she is, for I believe I am married to her; but I'll swear I have lain with her, and so have you to, a pox on your picture for it.  Court. 
Thou her Husband! you lie you Dog, it cannot, must not, shall not be.  T. Ess. 
I wish it could not, than it should not have been: but may that Parson that Married us, be for ever choosed of his Tyths, his Wife Cuckold him as mine does me; may the Children be like the Fathers that got 'em, and his House become the Nursery of Whetstone-Whores, and Speering-Bullies; But for your part, since you are so brisk Sir, the Court of Arches shall tame both yours and my Wife's courage; for to shame ye both, the world shall know how you have abused an honest Tradesman, and one that has borne all Offices in his Parish: But first I'll to her Relations, and let them know her Virtue; then I'll sue out a Divorce, turn her out of doors, and after be fashionable, and keep a Miss cum privilegio.  Exit. Manet Courtly. Court. 
He's gone; is this thing than her Husband?  
Is this th'effect of your repeated Love,  
When before Heaven you Vowed a Constancy:  
Ungrateful Fair! believing I, thought Heaven  
Might sooner err than thee.  
Cursed be the time I ever saw thy Charms,  
And may thy quiet with thy Beauty fade.  
What shall I do, and whether shall I go  
To ease the tortures of my troubled soul?  
— Ah Theodocia; if thy faithless Tongue  
Had never sworn to keep those sacred Vows,  
Which (to thy shame) are in Heaven Recorded;  
Yet such an abject thing worthy your scorn,  
Might have preserved  
My Interest and thy Vows entire:  
But I too late thy Sex's frailty find  
In thee; Your Virtues like your Beauties fade,  
And though all Heaven does in your forms appear,  
Yet Falsehood, Treachery, and all that's ill,  
Dwell in your souls and hearts: Oh—  Enter Mrs. Essence. Mrs. Essence. 
This peremptory Fellow has played me a slippery trick, but if I catch him, I'll make him an example for domineering Husbands: Ha! bless me! the Gentleman I think will swoon, he looks so pale.  Courtly seems not well. Court. 
At length my griefs have gained the Victory,  
My spirits yield to the resistless force  
Of Injuries undeserved.  Mrs. Ess. 
Sweet Sir, how do you, you seem not well? (a comely person) pray be pleased to repose yourself in my poor House, both it and Owner are at your Devoir, I swear.  Court. 
I'll accept her kindness till I recover.  (aside. 
Madam, I embrace your Charity,  
I must confess I'm indisposed at present;  
Something I'll do to right my Injuries.  (aside. 
Madam, you will excuse my boldness.  (to Mrs. Ess. Mrs. Ess. 
You honour me with your boldness Sir; and I assure you Sir, you cannot be more bold than welcome to your Servant Sir. Pray give me your hand Sir: Poor heart, 'tis a fit o'th'Spleen without question, 'tis so violent! and he presses my hand so hard.  (Exeunt.  

SCENE the Fourth. Scene, Monylove's House.  Enter Theodocia and Mrs. Monylove. Theo. 
Since Madam, my Father has resigned his power to you, I question not your goodness will command what I shall readily obey.  Mrs. M. Daughter, 
I cannot blame your hard construction of a Father's rigour; and now, to be just to him, I should urge what he already has; (Oh, I faint) but since your aversion to young Loveal's such, I will not only propound, but effect a match which may prove beneficial to you, if wisely you comply.  Theo. 
Ha, what means she?  aside. Mrs. M. 
You know the power I have over your Father.  Theo. 
Thanks to his Dotage.  (aside. Mrs. M. 
Wisely then embrace the man I offer, 'tis my Brother, to day he will be here; and did not my indisposition force me out of Town, I should have rejoiced to have seen him: However, in my absence I'd have you treat him, not as a Stranger, but as one who is to be your Husband: consider, and let me know what you resolve.  Theo. 
Fortune! thoust made me now completely wretched; if I reject the man my Father offers, the world will censure me for being disobedient: and if I refuse the man that she propounds, her interest with my Father, is so great, what is't she will not do to blast my fame, and to my Father aggravate my fault? and if with either I comply, my Bliss and Love in Courtly, I must lose: what shall I do? I'll seemingly consent to what she has proposed, and by that means gain time to frustrate what they both design. It shall be so; Madam, your kindness has prevailed; and though I never saw the person you have named; yet hitherto, so obliging you have been, that readily I yield to your desires.  Mrs. M. 
'Tis well resolved; and Theo. rest satisfied, he has the accomplishments of a Gentleman, his humours gay, but that will be a good mixture with your Gravity. Daughter, farewell, perform your promise and be happy.  Mrs. M. Kisses Theo. then Exit. Theo. 
Madam, may your intended Journey prove prosperous, and procure your health. Yes, I will keep my promise, but it shall be to Courtly; when I prove false to Love, may all things prosper that may make me wretched.  
Not Father's Threats, nor Mother's subtlest Art,  
Shall change my Love, or disengage my heart.  Exit. 
The end of the Second Act.    

ACT the Third:  

Scene the First.  Scene, Covent-Garden. Tom Essence, Solus. 
I Have been with her Cousin, and to give the Devil his due, his advice was none of the worst; 'tis possible I may be in the wrong, and my Wife honest, notwithstanding what has past; and though this Picture may startle me, yet it does not convince me: why then Thomas Mum, lest thy Neighbours should conclude what thou dost but suspect, let me see where am I to go? to my Pulls out a Table-book. Lady— Hum in Pall-mall; to Madam Hum, one of the Maids of Honour; to Madam— Hum— in Covent-Garden.— Agad 'tis a plaguy troublesome thing to be handsome and gentile, for the Women are ready to pull a Man a pieces that is well accomplished. I was forced to Marry, to be rid of these fond souls; but a pox on't 'twont do, they have the spawn of the Serpent in 'em, and will be tempting frailties which hitherto I have resisted: But if my Wife proves a down right Wife, I'll be merciful to my languishing fits;— ha— who comes here? Enter Courtly Mrs. Essence. Bless me! the very Rogue, whose Picture I have, Courting my Wife— suspicion avaunt— honest Tom, that thou art a Cuckold is too evident.  Mrs. Ess. 
If you will go, Sir oblige me; pray do, by accepting this Bottle of water of my own Distilling, Sir; that if your distemper should return, the cure may be perfected by my means.  Court. 
Oh the Impertinence of Womenkind! Madam, your obligations are beyond expression great.  T. Ess. 
Ha! She presents him too; now the pox upon him, for the Devil has pleased her.  Mrs. Ess. 
But should it relapse indeed—  Court. 
No danger of that I assure you— Madam, your Servant.  (offers to go. Mrs. Ess. 
I was yours before Sir; but Sir, you remember how to take the Cordial.  Court. 
Oh yes Madam, as you applied it to me; your Servant.  (offers to go. T. Ess. 
A pox of her Application; I fear you have applied something too—  Mrs. Ess. 
Very right Sir; adieu good Sir, may Heaven restore and preserve your health— but, a word Sir, when your Bottle is out, pray let me see you Sir, and it shall be repleated with the same: my name is Dorothy Essence, 'tis true, my Husband is somewhat whimsical, but you'll find a civil person of me Sir.  Court. 
Oh Mrs. Essence, your Servant— 'tis the conceitest Creature I e'er met with.  (aside) Mrs. Ess. Exit. T. Ess. 
So, so, they are parted— he comes this way; I'll look big upon him, perhaps that may terrify him.  T. Ess. goes by Courtly, and looks big on him. Court. 
Ha! that cursed Fellow here again? how my heart rises at the sight of him— what a hard Law is Duty to old Age; he could not sure be of Theodocia's choice; but she was forced to obey her Father's power.  (aside. 
Oh too, too happy man, to have a Wife so fair and beautiful!  (to T. Ess. (As he goes out, Enters ‛ Theo. He looks frowning on her.) Exit T. Ess. 
Hie day, what means he?  Theo. 
It is he; but why this strangeness, and his returns conceild from me. Ah Courtly, my excessive Love would promp me to embrace a Jealousy of what I would not willingly believe, that thou art false.  T. Ess 
Oh too, too happy man, to have a Wife so fair and beautiful! what should he mean by this— oh too soon I understand the Rogue; now he has Cuckolded me, he basely triumphs.  Theo. 
Perhaps I may learn something of this Fellow, for I hear he is excellent for intelligence of Love-intriegues, and has brought as many Couples together, as any Parson about Town, but not so lawfully.— Mr. Essence, are you acquainted with the person that but now lest you?  T. Ess. 
Ah Mrs. Theodocia, I always had a respect for you, and have often commended you to the high-flown rich Blades with Coaches, that are my Customers, how good a Wife you'd make; and is this my reward, do you flout me in misery?  Theo. 
Not I; but tell me the cause of your affliction?  T. Ess. 
Oh the greatest under Heaven, next to bad Trade, but my Wife's Occupation is good, a pox on her Customers, for Mrs. Tho. here stands the model of a complete wretched Husband— that Fellow who went from hence but now.  Theo. 
What of him Sir?  T. Ess. 
What of him Sir? he has robbed me.  Theo. 
How? that Gentleman?  T. Ess. 
That Rogue; he has Feloniously stolen the precious Jewel of my life; my Rep, in fine, he has Cuckolded me; now 'tis out, my heart is somewhat eased.  Theo. 
It is impossible; can Courtly be so base?  T. Ess. 
Oh 'tis too true, these eyes, but now, were witnesses of his and my Wife's familiarity: to conclude, he lies with my Wife; now you have the sorrowful truth of my Woe.  Theo. 
All my prophetic fears were but too true,  
And Courtley's treacheries too evident:  
Methoughts his looks, as he passed by, betrayed  
An inward guilt.  
If thou art False, where shall I find one Just?  
For, with such seeming Honesty, he swore,  
And wisht-such Imprecations on himself,  
If in the least he Violated Love,  
Or broke his Vows; those Vows he made to me,  
I durst to have sworn, he really designed  
That Constancy he Vowed:  
But b'inded by my Love, I find too late,  
He's like the rest of the perfidious Race,  
And made these Vows t'entrap my Innocence.  T. Ess. 
Sweet Mrs. Theo. thou Queen of Diamonds, moderate thy passion: Your Charity to me is too great, and since so cordially you espouse my afflictions, I'm grieved that you are not a man; if you were, I should have entreated the favour of you, that you would have cudgeled him for my sake; but seeing that cannot be, I'll drown myself in Tears, and lay my death to his charge; oh, oh, oh.  (cries. Theo. 
Oh that I were a man, I'd soon redress  
My wrongs:  
His Life should pay the forfeit of his Vows,  
And he should fall a Victim to my rage.  T. Ess. 
Good Saint!  Theo. 
But oh I rave;  
For Courtley's generous soul could ne'er admit  
A thought so base to harbour in his breast,  
Much less would execute so vile an act;  
Heaven's! 'tis impossible! Courtly false? it cannot be.  T. Ess. 
O yes, Madam; yes, too true he's false; but how shall we curb his Lechery?  Theo. 
Ah Traitor! double-hearted faithless man!  T. Ess. 
Blessed Angel!  Theo. 
Sure Hell itself has not a torment equal to thy Crime.  T. Ess. 
Sweet soul!  Theo. 
To wrong a person never injured thee—  T. Ess. 
Never I, I'll take my death on't, not so much as in the sale of a pair of Jessamy-Gloves, a twelve-penny glass of Essence, or sixpenny pot of Jessamy-butter.  Theo. 
But my complaints are vain;  
I'll tear this Viper from my breast, and then  
Study a just Revenge to scourge his soul,  
For Violations done to sacred Love!  (Exit. T. Ess. 
She's gone! heavens' bless her! how cordially she took my part, pretty Creature! and what she intends to do, Heaven knows, for she talked of Revenge— Fie Thomas, why so slow to correct this Fellows lewdness towards thee? for shame do something, let not a Woman outstrip thee in prowess, in thy own cause too?— well— for Whetstone to thy Valour, thou shalt to th'tavern, one pint of Sack, used to make thee as huffing as a blustering Bully, half Drunk in an Ordinary, or as Valiant and quarrelsome as a Constable heroically Drunk, surrounded with his rusty Bilbo.  Exit.  

SCENE the Second, Luce Sola. Mon. House.  
This Letter which I have contrived, I hope  
Will set a period to base Lovealls' Treachery:  
If not, I'll let fair Theodocia know  
My wrong, and th'important secret of my shame  
Declare; then some way we'll contrive  
To right my Injuries, and redress her own.  Enter Theodocia. Theo. 
Ah Luce, at last I've overcome my Love,  
For Courtly is become the worst of men;  
Imagine all that's base, the foulest acts,  
The thoughts of wicked men could e'er invent,  
In Courtly they are all comprised;  
Such things I've seen would breed astonishment:  
That false delewding man is now in Town;  
And stead of keeping his past Vows to me,  
Rejects and slights'em, wantonly sins  
In the embraces of a Treacherous Wife.  Luce. 
You amaze me Madam! Courtly false?  Theo. 
As Hell— but for Revenge,  
I'll to my Father's power resign myself;  
And though I hate the man he has proposed,  
Yet I'll comply, and Lovealls' flame admit.  aside. Luce. 
Heaven's, but that must not be—  
Oh do not rashly give yourself away;  
For Madam, Marriage is the great concern  
Of our whole lives; according as we choose,  
We are either blessed or wretched in this World.  Theo. 
But I'm resolved, since Courtly's false,  
And though I look on both with equal hate,  
Yet him I will reject whose Love was counterfeit;  
But Lovealls' passion for me may be true.  Luce. 
Love-all? the giltiest of all mankind;  
Those crimes you'd lay on Courtly, are his due,  
And I me no stranger to his Perjuries.  Theo. 
Is he false too? Ah unhappy Maid!  
Fortune has destined thee not one true Lover.  
Say what thou knowest, then we'll consult some way  
How to preserve my Honour and Obedience.  Luce. 
Madam, here comes your Father.  Theo 
Oh torment of my soul!  Enter Old Mon. Stanley, Mrs. Mon. and Betty in men's clothes. Old M. 
Look you Sir, there's my Daughter— The. receive your Uncle with respect.  (they salute Theo. Mrs. M. 
As gad sa'me, you're the extravagantst English Beauty I e'er met with, the notoriousest pretty Devil! ha! what charming features! bon mein! surprising graces, and divine harmony of Limbs are here! By my hands, Old man, thou wert inspired when you Begot her, she's a very Cherubin!  Old M. 
Ha, ha, he; as I say, 'tis the pleasantest Wag, and I'll stand to't, his Sister's humour right, when she's pleased.  Theo. 
Luce, observe that face, it is extremely like my Mothers, the voice too not unlike.  Luce. 
Upon my life, it is herself Madam; I'll take the little Attendant aside and sift him.  Mrs. M. 
And how, and how like you my Garnitire, is it not Jauntee Madam, ha? (Luce and Betty Exeunt. I am come reaking hot out of the Academy of Dresses; this Suit was made by the King of France's own Tailor; let me fee ere a Garlick-eating mangy-fisted English Rascal, make the like: Ah with what an extravagant pleasure and delight does this triming sit! ah how notoriously excellent is the shape displayed— this Ribbon— a rare die! French yellow, emblem of Jealousy, and denotes excessive love and passion; the only colour I value myself on; for Females understand by that my mind and flame; and die with desire of my acquaintance; but for variety, I have a Suit of Sky for Constancy; sometimes Pinks for Modesty, to wear in such Company as I shall visit that day; for by my hands, little Devil, a Suit of Ribbon well suited with the address we men make to your Sex, is half our Courtship, which is a secret of my own discovery.  Theo. 
'Tis fit you keep it so Sir, for the rarity— what a strange thing is a Travelled Fop?  (aside. Mrs. M. 
How now soul! ala mort! come, come, lay aside this reservedness; pox on the English breeding; by my hands it makes all the Females Fools: Ah, how fort obliegeant the Madamoisels are à Paris; there, a Married Woman in her Husband's presence, will clip, embrace, and kiss a man she fancies, the first time she sees him.  Theo. 
And lie with him behind her Husband's back.  Mrs. M. 
Mortblecu, a damned English censure; by my hands, I believe, that to one extravagantly honest here, there are twenty at Paris; our London Devils are all Hypocrites; for at that moment they seem most coy, they privately are contriving how to enjoy the person they seem to slight— Brother Tim. if ever you will have your Daughter respected and celebrated for a modish person, let her frequent Masquerades, visit Playhouses in cognito, receive Treats, converse with the refined traveled Wits; make Balls speak French, and be obliging to the modish Gallants.  Old M. 
Yes, and have her made a Miss, got with Child, and be turned on my hands; no, good Brother, you must excuse me for that absurd, absurd, I'll stand to't.  Mrs. M. 
jerneè rank English still— a man cannot make address on Gallantriè, nor a Woman be Complesant, but Impotence will censure— But little soul, my Sister's Character of thee has overcome me, and the blind god at last has got the Conquest— By my hands I love you, and the rather, because I find 'tis not for want of wit, but breeding; that makes you defective, when address is made to you; therefore dear Devil, say, shall I sink or swim?  Theo. 
According to your skill Sir— but sure so gay, so brisk, refined a Travelled Wit as you, can ne'er be at leisure to Love, nor so serious as to make Addresses.  Mrs. M. 
Then you expect I should have Courted you in a Romantic stile; and whine, as if Sentence of damnation had passed upon me; hang that dull, common-place way of making Love— but if Swearing will confirm you; by those Twinkling Eyes, Cherry Lips, Alabaster Neck, Painting Fountains of delight; and by all the clouded Beauties of your person, which by Imagination I am convinced are excellent, I swear I never Loved before, but now am desperate; yet if you slight it, I'll never Love again— (Sing) Let Fortune and Phillis frown if they please, I'll no more on their Deities call, and so forth— Is not this better than your whining: Oh Love, if e'er thou'lt ease a heart which owns thy power Divine— Damn such effiminacy— then pretty Rogue, be wise, and meet my Love; by this kiss thou shalt— (offers to kiss her— she shoves Mrs. M. away) oh insupportable English incivility.  She sings 

Sweet Philida, be not so Coy,  
I love not to ravish a Kiss:  
Your peevishness will but destroy  
The hopes of enjoying true Bliss.   

If the Lover you like, does offer  
To give you the proofs of his slame,  
And you fondly reject his kind prosser,  
Too late your own folly you'll blame.   

Then yield to what e'er he desires,  
And slight not his Critical Love;  
With your vigorous Lover retire,  
You'll quickly the pleasure approve.   Old M. 
'Tis a merry Grigg; but Sir, is this his constant humour?  to Stan. Stan. 
Ever Sir; this Gayeity has left many bleeding hearts in France; he ne'er encountered with a Female yet, but he came off Victorious.  Old M. 
Say you so Sir? a notable Wagg, I'll stand to't.  Stan. 
But your Daughter only, as her Beauties due, has gained the Victory; for ever since he received your Lady's Letter, he has been Charmed, so that his Nights have been but one continued Dream of her.  Old M. 
I am sorry I must cross his dream, for my Daughter was promised to another, before my Wife acquainted me of her Brother's Fortune, by his Uncle's death.  Stan. 
How Sir, is she engaged to another?  Old M. 
As I say, she is Sir, to a man of a fair Estate, engenious, and handsome enough for a Husband.  Stan. 
By all means break it off Sir, or you must expect some fatal consequence, for he's so truly Valiant, he'll ne'er permit a Rival to enjoy the Beauty he admires.  Old M. 
I cannot help it Sir, 'tis now too late, for I'll stand to't; the Writings of Agreement for settlement of Jointure are drawn up, and tomorrow they and my Daughter are to be Signed, Sealed, and delivered, and so forth.  Mrs. M. 
I'll soon remove that scruple little Rogue. [too The. Dost hear old Oedipus, Father and Brother together, she questions my Virtue and Modesty; this comes, old Priam, of bringing up your Daughter in dull Security and Ignorance.  Old M. 
But Sir, you are Virtuous?  Mrs. M. 
And had my Pusillage as they phrase it?  Old M. 
Yes little one.  Mrs. M. 
A Traveller, and bring home his Maidenhead! damned Absurdity? why 'twas the only Commodity my Father sent me over to Trade with; had I not bartard it away, 'twould have grown musty on my hands: no, no, (thank Heaven) this is a more knowing trading Age, than to keep such drugs on our hands; I exchanged that thing with the Air: My Calais. Host's Niece had that Foolery, she was pretty and deserved it: I'll beget no Fool; I, there are too many in the world already.  Old M. 
But if you are as you say, you may beget Sooterkins or scab'd-Cookcoes, I'll stand to't.  Mrs. M. 
By my hands, sound as a Bell, both in Purse and Person: See, see, I have Commendams of both— [Gives one Paper to Old M. and another to Theo. Now Fortune be propitious— Stanley, What think you of my design?—  Stan. 
Well, hitherto; if you are not discovered, as yet I find no signs they know you.  Old M. 
Hum— What's here? (he Reads) A particular of Sir Humphrey Hordwell's Estate, late Deceased, and now Descended to his Nephew Christopher Careless, Esq— the Sum total 4000 l. per annum— As I say, a fair Estate, but he's wild, and I have past my word already, otherwise my Daughter should have had him.  [aside. Theo. 
How's this? A particular of all the Claps Squire Careless has had since the Age of fifteen, and the several places he got them, with the Catalogue of the Drs. names that Cured him; as likewise an account of all he has lain with to this present time? This is the newest and impudentest way of Courtship I ever knew or heard of yet.  [She Laughs Mrs. M. 
What Laugh you at, little Devil? that shows my Constitution true Steel— by my hands it does.  Theo. 
Without question Sir, and 'twould be a rudeness unpardonable, should I suspect you otherwise, when a whole College of Physicians have certified your health; yet I should be loath to venture on so desperate a Lover as you pretend to have been, for fear he should not make the Song good of a Healthful young vigorous Lover, and so forth.  Mrs. M. 
By my hands, I'll confirm what they have writ—  (Mrs. Mon. Sings, Dances, and pulls Theo. about.) Old M. 
I'll stand to't, Brother, you're the merryest man— But come Brother, as I say, you and your Friend here shall take a hard Lodging with me; I have one Bed to spare; ye are used to lie together I hope?  Mrs. M. 
Now this Old Fool will force me to Cuckold him, merely out of Covetousness, that he will not foul a pair of Sheets extraordinary,— Yes, yes, Brother, Travellers always snore together.  Old M. 
Please you to walk in to Supper— and then I'll show you your Chamber—  Stan. 
What an old Dotard's this; now will he be Pimp to his own Wife, for I'll make good use of my time, and will not be repulsed as before (aside): Madam your humble Servant.  Mrs. M. 
Little one, give me thy hand; as gad sa'me good flesh, and of a luscious Constitution: I find I shall be desperately in Love; Adieu, my Soul, Adieu: But dost hear, be more complesant and agreeable the next time we meet.  Sings, Sweet Philida, be not so coy, I love not to ravish a Kiss. Old M. 
Theo. follow us.  Old M. Mrs. M. Stan. Exeunt. Manet Theodocia. Theo. 
What cursed Ascendant had I at my Birth,  
That thus I'm teased by th'dross of all Mankind:  
Not one that's generous designed for me;  
Heaven! take my Life, or rid me of these Plagues.  
Luce, Prithee what news?  Enter Luce with a Letter. Luce. 
Fear nothing Madam, for I have discovered enough to break off this proposal; for it is, as I suspected, your Mother-in-Law is the brisk travelled Blade; but what she designs, as yet I cannot learn; but Betty promises a discovery. Madam, here's a Letter in a Woman's hand, which I found in the Packet that was left here for Mr. Love-all, perhaps this may confirm what I have formerly told you of that false man.  Theo. 
Let me see it— I'll read it.  (Opens, and reads. 
My Dearest,  
Your absence, my indisposition, together with the ill news of your design of Marrying in London, have reduced me to such weakness, I cannot long expect to live, nor indeed do I wish for life, if maugre all your Protestations before Heaven, and those fatal pledges of our Loves, our Children, you at last prove false, yet Heaven one day may revenge my wrongs: I am sure some Friends, who (did they know the affront) would soon redress me, but I hope there will be no need of such extremity; and that your generosity will prompt you to be just to her, who is in sight of Heaven,  
Your Lawful Wife, Stamford. Eliz. Manly, otherwise Loveall.  Theo. 
Base Villain.  Enter Love-all and Lau. Lu. 
He comes Madam, now let him know your just resentment of his wickedness.  Lov. 
Madam, such strange attractive influences you're Mistress of, I cannot live one moment from your sight; oh wrack me not with torturing delay, but kindly say you will comply with Love, and then my happiness will be complete.  Theo. 
Your strain's too Courtly Sir, to gain belief; therefore your pardon, if I suspend Credit of them for a time— but Sir, your Man left Letters for you with my Maid, and I concluding so deserving a Person as yourself, must in your Life, have some Intrigues of Love, opened one Letter writ in a Woman's hand; you'll pardon Sir the rudeness which was the effect of Jealousy.  Lov. 
That Jealousy was kind, since it often proves th'effect of Love; and I am so free from base unworthy acts; that what you term a Rudeness, I esteem an Honour, since I'm assured you will find nothing there which can prove prejudicial to my Love, or gain your disesteem.  Theo. 
Your Generosity Sir is questionless, and this has so confirmed what in your praise I've heard, that when you have read it, you soon will understand what I intent.  Lov. 
What can she mean by this! let me see.  [Reads to himself. Lau. 
to Lu. Well Mrs. Sweet lips, what comfort do you give a passionate Lover?  Lu. 
The same as formerly, I'll stand to my Agreement; if your Master and my Mistress make it a Match, I am yours; if not, your Servant.  Lau. 
But suppose a man should be too far gone for ever recovering, what then? I hope if thou wilt not commit Matrimony, thou'lt show good natured, and be civil upon occasion?  Lu. 
Yes, with a Cudgel to cool courage, or with a Halter to end your pain.  Lau. 
Pretty Courtship, 'tis by my troth, and you are wondrous civil.  The. 
Now Sir, you guess what I design, false and perfididious as you are.  Enter old Mon. and stands behind Theo. 
What wickedness there is in man!  
To break those Sacred Vows you made to Heaven,  
And to betray poor Innocence to misery.  
But now thy Treacheries I know, never expect  
I shall comply, and so partake the guilt;  
No, you shall never see me more.  Old M. 
How, how's this? never see you more: that's fine i'faith! absurd, absurd, I'll stand to't; but Minks, he shall both see and feel you too e'er I have done; are you again relapsed into your former disobedience? I say comply, or—  Lov. 
I must confess, were th'accusation true, and I of what this Lady charges me, were guilty, her anger then were just, and death my desert: Read Sir the horrid'st Villainy that ever was invented, and inconsistent Sir with one that's tender of his Honour.  Luce. 
Now Squire, what becomes of your Knight Errand, and your hopes?  Lau. 
Why pretty Kins, I'll not break my heart for thee; but if I lose thee, 'tis but once singing Fortune my Foe, and twice being drunk will set thee a float out of my heart, and then farewell to your Ladyship.  Old M. 
Reads— former protestations— hum, fatal pledges of our Loves— (a pretty phrase for Bastards) crimes— hum— affront— hum— but your generosity— hum— Eliz. Manly, otherwise Love-all— absurd, absurd, I'll stand to't, should this be true: I'll try him.  Lov. 
Now Sir, is't possible that a man of Honour can be guilty of so vile an Act?  Old M. 
Lay aside your Honour Sir, and give me leave, as I say; as you hope to be saved, do not you know this Eliz. Manly? Ha! Answer to that, Answer to that.  Lov. 
Not I, by Heaven Sir.  Old M. 
But that's not the question; as you hope to be Saved, have you no Bastards? Answer to me that Sir.  Lov. 
Not any Sir, upon my Honour— that you shall know of; for my Widow, for aught I know, may be forward with my effects of kindness by this time. [aside. This Sir, is some Rival's plot to undermine my Bliss with this fair Lady: Ah Madam, let not such trivial Acts debar me of that happiness I prize above my Life; but if your breast has entertained another's Love (pardon the suspicion grounded on your concern for a thing as false as Heaven is true) I will resign my Life rather than be the Author of your discontent.  Old M. 
Away, away Sir, with these Compliments, and prepare to take her for your Wife— Theo. rest satisfied that I am convinced 'tis false; some trick on my life of your old Lovers; but I'll mar his design: Come, ask his Pardon for that foul suspicion you had of him.  Theo. 
How Sir?  Old M. 
I say, provoke me not, but beg his pardon without more delay.  Lov. 
By no means Sir, her suspicion was kind, and warranted by this,— and I am satisfied.  Old M. 
But by your favour Sir, I am not, and I'll have it so— acknowledge your fault Baggage, or I'll stand to't: I'll—  Theo. 
I must comply— Sir, in Obedience to a Father's power, I acknowledge my unjust suspicion— (that you were Virtuous) and I shall be careful hereafter how I credit Reports that may be prejudicial to your Honour— (to which thou art a Stranger)— your Servant Sir, and expect an entertainment suitable (to your perjuries)— for here I Vow, henceforth to study a Revenge on the Promoters (of your Love to me)—  Theo. and Luce, Exeunt. Old M. 
So, so, now 'tis as it should be; be sure Sir to get the Writings ready against morning; in the interim I'll endeavour to keep her in this humour she is now in, lest the Weathercock of her Female-noddle rear to a colder point.  (Exit. Lov. 
'Tis in the coldest point already, full North to my desires.  Lau. 
Say you so, then I'll after my little Pirate, and try to win her on our side.  (aside.) Exit. Lov. 
That Letter startled me, when I saw 'twas Dated from Stamford; I suspected my kind Widow had found out my Amour, and had sent this to forbid the Banes— I was a Rogue to serve her so, when she out of Charity entertained and Clothed me when I was stripped and robbed, to top a false contract and name upon her; but my Love, for variety, must excuse that fault; and I thank Heaven I have weathered all storms, and doubt not but to attain my ends; for I Love Theodocia to that excess, enjoy her I must, Married, or Unmarried.  
If fairly with my Love she not complyes,  
By stratagem her Virtue I'll surprise.  Exit. 
The end of the Third Act.    

ACT the Fourth.  

Scene, the first, Theo. Chamber.  Theo. and Luce. Theo. 
YOur injuries (kind Friend) shall be redressed; my Father shall not force me to embrace a man that values not his Vows nor Honour.  Luce. 
But Madam, your happiness depends upon Obedience; you for your safety must comply with a Father's power; yet I could wish (so well I love him) that it could be some way hindered.  Theo. 
What shall we do? this is the fatal day, and every minute I expect my Father.  Old M. 
Within— Rise Daughter, rise.  Enter Old M. after him Betty. Theo. 
And I already hear his fatal voice.  Old M. 
'Tis well, make haste; I'll stand to't, the Bridegroom will be here before you're ready— Ha Youngster, with whom would you speak so early, Ha?  (spies Betty. Betty. 
Now Wit assist me— (aside. (Feels in her Pocket, pulls out a Song. My Master Sir, has sent me to know how Madam Theo. does this morning, and presents her with the effects of his Love, in a Song which he writ last Night before he went to Bed.  Old M. 
He is very quick: I must Marry her off, or this Travell'd-Brother of mine will show me an Outlandish trick, and Marry her before I have inquired of his Estate. (aside. Let me see his Scribbling— this is such a buzzing crambo Age, that the young Fops account it accomplishment to be thought beggarly rhymeing Fools, I'll stand to't.  (aside. Luce to Theo. 
What an unluckily accident was this, without question Betty comes with Intelligence.  Old M. 
Hum, pretty Childish silly stuff;— can you sing it Little one?  Betty. 
Yes Sir, my Master made it to one of the new Tunes he heard in an Opera at Paris.  Betty Sings. 

Ah Sacred Boy desist, for I  
Comply with your resistless Art;  
Your Arrows with such vigour fly,  
Already they've inflamed my heart.   

I will no more despise your power,  
But thus submissively obey;  
Yes by your favour, 'twas not your,  
But Celia's Victory to day.   

For had she Valid that charming face,  
And you your keenest Dart had shot;  
Yours had been the just disgrace,  
And I'd obtained the Victors Lot.   

Than not your Power, but Chance admire,  
In having such a Friend as she,  
Who lent you rays t'increase my fire,  
And thus made you a Deity.   Old M. 
Verry pretty; and as I say, your Master can be serious for all his jollity, Young man.  Betty. 
My Master earnestly desires to speak with you Sir.  Old M. 
I am going to him, for I have received a Letter for him from my Wife— Daughter make haste and put on your Trinkets, for I expect your Bridegroom every minute.  (Exit. Betty. 
Thanks to my invention Madam, I have shifted him— this Song was presented me by our Butler, who procured it made by a mercenary Scribbler of the Town, for a fit of Drunkenness, gratis.  Luce. 
Betty, have you found out your mistress's design yet?  Betty. 
I have,— and Madam, by what I have learned, I understand your Maidenhead is short-lived, but I having compassion for your Virtue, and finding my Mistress, your Moter-in-Law none of the Honestest, am resolved, if possible, to rescue you from ruin— for the Blade that came with her is the person whom she designs to be yours; but not only yours I'll assure you, for my Virtuous Lady lay with him to Night.  Theo. 
Unheard-of wickedness!— But which way shall we frustrate their design?  Betty. 
Troth Madam, show 'em a fair pair of heels, for she knows you care not for Love-all, so that they conclude it easy to win the old Man to their side, and force you to accept of her Love, as she personates her own Brother; and if so far she prospers, her Gallant is to be shuffled into your hand when the Marriage is designed, and by that means choose both my old Master and yourself.  Luce. 
Cunningly contrived— yet, for all this, I doubt not but to counterplot both her and Love-all too— but for better security, we must be gone from this place.  Betty. 
Make haste then and avoid the Net; and that you may have time for your escape, I'll in, and hold my Mistress in discourse; and let me know where you intent to be, and I'll send word what passes at home.  Luce. 
We'll be at Essence's, I have some interest with his Wife, till we have an opportunity to perfect your happiness.  Theo. 
Thou best example of true Friendship.  [Ex. severally.  

Malsey's Chamber. SCENE the Second: Scene a Chamber in Old M. House.  Stanley dressing himself. Mrs. Mon. dressing herself at a Table, have Night-cloaths on her head, in her half Shirt, and her Breeches on. A Letter for Mrs. Monylove. Mrs. M. 
Your Raptures are too violent to last— and know Sir, I had not yielded now, had not my Old Man warranted, or rather justified my proceedure; for his Penuriousness I could no other way requite, and he was instrumental to his being a Cuckold, for laying two so full of Love together.  Stan. 
'Tis Theodocia, whom I confess next to yourself I love, but chiefly for her money; for Madam, you are the sole Commandress of my heart; and that I may hereafter be serviceable to both, so warily I will proceed with her, that she shall only raise an Appetire, which vigorously I'll lay with you.  Mrs. M. 
Soft Sir, you'll find your stock little enough for her; and for my part, if I cannot hold out, my Dotards Angels shall turn Prourers at my Command; for I must confess the truth of the Song you gave me, which says—  Mrs. M. Sings. 
Who complys with gay Youth, does prudently choose;  
She that yields to old Age, does her passion abuse:  
She may languish and sigh, but in vain it will prove;  
Age, dulls the brisk flames, and slackens hot Love:  
He may kindle a fire, but cannot supply;  
So, for want of Love's fuel, her passion must die.  
But Youth that's full fraught with Love and desire,  
Creates a true flame, and supplies the blessed fire:  
He'll rally, renew it, and with vigour maintain  
What dotage endeavours to do, but in vain.  
Then give me a Gallant; when I'm yoke to old Age,  
What the gray-head does raise, his Youth shall assuage.  Enter Betty. Mrs. M. 
Betty, what news have you learned this morning?  Betty, 
Madam, my Master is resolved on the Match between Mrs. Theo. and Mr. Love-all, notwithstanding the Letter Luce discovered yesterday, for he has sent for Mr. Love-all this morning; but Luce has been beforehand, and sent Mr. Love-all word that Mrs. Theo. will meet him at Essence the Milliners, on purpose to prevent his meeting with my Master's message, and so hinder his coming hither.  Mrs. M. 
That was well done— but upon what account is Luce so Zealous in breaking off this Match?  Stan. 
I cannot apprehend the meaning; however, if by her means I gain Theodocia, she shall not want reward.  Enter Old Mon. Old M. 
I must hold this Youngster in talk till my Daughter is Married to Love-all; or I'll stand to't, this young Snipper-snapper will, I fear, forbid the banes. Ha— what do I see? my Wife dressing herself— 'tis too true— absurd, I'll stand to't.  Mrs. M. 
Cuds'lid, my Husband! what shall we do? all our designs are ruined if he discovers me—  Stan. 
Let me alone, I'll bring you off, ne'er fear it.  Old M. 
Curse on my Dotage; too late I find my folly in Marrying a young Wife, I could expect no less in reason, than to be a Cuckold—  
Wife! what subtle damned Devil was it put you on this design, to make me the promoter of my own shame?— but Sir, for your part, I'll stand to't, I'll swinge you.  (to Stan. Stan. 
(Laughs). But Sir, do you in earnest conclude my Bed-fellow to be your Wife?  Old M. 
A rat on you— Are my Eyes my own Sir?  Stan. 
No Sir; if you suspect my Friend for a Woman, if he were not, all thy Wealth should not purchase her from my Embraces— here is a Face indeed, as charming as the notedst Female Beauty; but Nature mistook in moulding every part, forgetting she had made a Venus-face, placed it on an Adam's Body.  Old M. 
As I say, if this be true, 'tis wonderful! and indeed, I have often heard my Wife say, that she and her Brother were so alike, (being Twins,) that one could hardly be known from the other.  (aside. Mrs. M. 
Brother, I thought I should surprise you; by my hands, thou art the most credulous man I ever met with— but to convince thee of thy Error— jack, prithee tell him what sport we have had at Paris in Masquerade.  Stan. 
Yes Faith, my Friend and I have lived at least three months upon the Pistols he has had clapped in his hand at Carnival-time, when he went disguised in Woman's clothes, as Earnest, for ensuing pleasure.  Mrs. M. 
But say old Trojan, am I so like my Sister?  Old M. 
Like quotha? I durst to have sworn you had been she.  Mrs. M. 
To convince you, search me; do, do: but if thou dost not, thy Daughter shall, for I am desperately in Love with her.  Old M. 
Absurd, I'll stand to't, that I should take him for my Wife— (aside) But soft good Brother, my business of this early Visit, was partly to deliver a Letter directed to you from my Wife; and partly to desire you to forbear any further amorous discourses with my Daughter, sic volo, sic jubio, you understand me; I have promised her to another, and this I resolve shall be her Wedding day.  (Gives a Letter. Stan. 
How! this day is she to be Married? and will you slight Squire Careless? take heed Sir what you do.  Old M. 
Why Sir, I hope you wont Hector me? will you?  Stan. 
I have a greater respect for the young Lady then—  Old M. 
You, a respect for the young Lady? what are you Sir, that dare pretend to have a respect for my Daughter, Ha?  Stan. 
'Tis no harm Sir, to be Civil to a handsome Lady; it's a Devotion we owe to Beauty.  Old M. 
But as I say Sir, it is harm Sir, and I'll none of it, therefore show you civility some where else.  Mrs. M. 
jack, no more— Brother, rest content, I'll have none of your Daughter; by my hands not I— for my reasons, see there—  [She gives Old M. the Letter; he Reads to himself. 
Stanley, have courage, the Girl's thine own,  
Since this last rub we have so smoothly passed,  
All little Oppositions I despise.  Stan. 
See, see, the Letter works rarely.  Mrs. M. 
It must take, especially as now I have designed to proceed.  Old M. 
I'll stand to't, the kindest Wife man ever had.  (aside Mrs. M. 
Now should you kneel and prostrate, Damsel, at my feet, I would deny her; by my hands, not once caress her.  Stan. 
How Sir, can you so easily quit a Lady you so entirely Love?  Old M. 
What's that to you Sir: Good Brother rid my House of this Friend of yours, for I fear he'll prove no Friend of mine, should he stay; I like not his Countenance, he has the looks of a sly Rogue.  Stan. 
Rogue! you are merry Sir—  Old M. 
You Lie, you're a—  Stan. 
What, what Sir?  Old M. 
What Sir? you're a Quodammodo, I'll stand to't.  Stan. 
A Quodammodo?  Old M. 
Yes, a Quodammodo Sir— bring your Action, I care not.  Stan. 
Such another word, Old man, will make me very Angry and Extravagant.  Old M. 
Extravagant! I believe it; but march off civilly, or as I say, I shall civilly make you Sir.  Mrs. M. 
jack, withdraw, and let me alone; I have a Plot which of necessity must be prosperous.  Stan. 
Sir, on my Friend's request I'll leave your House, but look to't— a Quodammodo said you!  (Exit. Old M. 
Adieu, Huffing Sir— as gad sa'me he has put me into a filthy pet.  Mrs. M. 
Brother, I have a rare fancy sprung, which if you approve of, must procure your desire.  Old M. 
In what good Brother?  Mrs. M. 
To make your Daughter comply, and marry this Love-all, whom my Sister mentions in her Letter; for since (as she writes) you have promised Theodocia to another, I am resolved to fulfil my Sister's request in assisting you in your intentions— in pursuance of which, I have thought on a way,— 'tis this,— you say I am very like my Sister?  Old M. 
Right— what then?  Mrs. M. 
How if I, putting on one of my Sister's Gowns, should personate her, and fairly at first use persuasions to Theodocia; but if they fail, to use a Mother's Authority, and Lock her up till the business is done.  Old. M. 
How? you personate my Wife! and Lock her up!— well thought on— I'll none of that good Brother; soft and fair, I smell a Rat; I understand you, and so you'll debauch her, if not marry her yourself.  Mrs. M. 
Who, I? by my hands, all my Courtship was but Raillery alamode.  Old M. 
But I'll stand to't, you may so a-la mode her, as you call't, that may make her unfit for a Husband.  Mrs. M. 
The insupportable censure of impotence! I tell thee old Blade, I'd sooner marry an Orange Wench then thy dull Virtuous Daughter; by my hands I would.  Old M. 
A fitter Wife for such wild Gallants, than an honester Woman, I'll stand to't.  Mrs. M. 
Is not my Reputation at stake? a Sister's Conjuration? by my hands you wrong me, to suspect my Honour.  Old M. 
But (pardon me Sir) should it come to that extremity of Locking her up, will you neither say, nor do any thing tending to Debauchery, as you hope to be saved? gad forgive me.  Mrs. M. 
I'll do neither by Heaven.  Old M. 
Good; now if you should, I'll Indict you for Perjury, and I'll stand to't; you're a witty Blade, the design must take, for thou art so like my Wife, that I am almost persuaded to kiss thee for her, but that it is so unseemly for one man to kiss another.  Mrs. M. 
Then it is a Plot.  Old M. 
It is, and we'll about it instantly, the Wench shall furnish you with a Gown— yet methinks I would be by, though unseen to her, when you persuade her.  Mrs. M. 
To show you how unjust your suspicion is, you shall.  Old M. 
(Laughs). I cannot but Laugh to think how the young Baggage will be cozened; you, her Mother?  Mrs. M. 
The deceit will be pleasant, what an innocent Cheat it will be? (to both)— but let us about it.  Exe.  

Scene the Third. Tom Essence's Shop.  Tom Essence Solus. 
Well, I find thy soil Tom, will never produce the fruit of Valour, therefore I have taken up the safer Cudgels of the two; I have entered an Action of Battery against Courtly for violently assaulting the body of Dorothy Essence, my Wife; and my Lawyer tells me, I shall have swinging damages for every bout I can prove he has assaulted her; and to have damage enough, so soon as I have dispatched my Customers, I'll to the Temple-walks, and hire two or three Knights o'th' Post, who shall Swear to at least three thousand pounds worth of Trespass, with which I'll buy an Estate, and turn Country Gentleman.  Enter Men and two Women to his Shop. 
Fair Ladies, what lack ye? delicate Roman, Italiansscented Gloves, good Essences, Tiberos, Orange Jessamine, Essence d'Espagne, Fans, Ribbons in every point francois— Boy,— Boy, bring some Essences. (Boy Enters with Essence-bottles) Ha my little Rogues, here are Perfumes— ravishing enough to revive the dead.  [He bobs the womens' nose with his Finger and Bottle. 1. Wom. 
You are the pleasantest Creature Mr. Essence, I cannot live unless I see you once a week at least; you're the divertingst person in the Town I swear.  T. Ess. 
Alas Madam, I, I my pretty hearts; you're the Diamond Queen of the Nation; say no more, say no more, I have a rich Blade in store for thee; another time, another time.—  
Ha! my pretty Cherubins!—  (Pats their Breasts with Essences. (Men buzz about the Women. 2. W. 
What a conceited impudent Rascal's this! (aside. Mr. Essence, a word with you—  T. Ess. 
I wait on you Madam— jack, bring those Spirits came in last from the jews in the City; Rogue, you never mind, never mind Sirrah.  (Enter Boy with more Bottles. 1. W. 
Let me see'em Mr. Essence—  (T. Ess. gives 'em about— the Boy imitates his Master. T. Ess. 
There are Scents Ladies— upon Rep— oh incomparable! I can Dine as heartily on a good Roman or Italian Scent, as you can on a dish of Meat— oh luscious! excellent! rare!  2. W. 
What do you ask for these Gloves?  T. Ess. 
Try'em on, try 'em on Queen of hearts— upon Rep, these Gloves are as well worth two Guynnies as the common Jessamine half a Crown; but you pretty Beauty shall give me but an Angel; I befriend you I assure you; say no more.  2. W. 
Are you Married Mr. Essence?  [He tries on the Gloves, pats, strokes, kisses her arms, and toys all the while he talks. T. Ess. 
Yes Madam; yes, I thank my Stars, I am married; I was forced to't, for what with Maids of Honour, and Country Ladies, I was almost teased out of my Life— see there,— a Country Knight's Daughter; she has for these two years past, all the time she has been in Town, been as constant every day at my Shop, as a Bully at the Ordinaries; and she makes Love so passionately, that I was forced to take the opportunity of her being out of Town when I married, and so choust her (poor soul) yet she cannot forbear coming still.  2. Wom. 
You're very hard-hearted, that could refuse so pretty a Lady; how chanced you did not marry her? had she no fortune?  T. Ess. 
Yes, Madam, yes, pretty well, some hundreds; but alas, a Country Damsel is not fit for us Traders in this lewd Town, they'd soon find out the fashionable Trade, to our costs— Faelix quem faciunt Madam, I am as to that point wise, at my Neighbour's expense; wag your Honour, wag your Arm a little—  
But I fear my Town-Soul has played me a prank; but Tom. that secrets for thyself alone.  (aside. 
— Ha Madam; how Ceraphically it sits, and for Scent, smell; smell it little Ceraphim.  2. Wo. 
What means the Fellow— You're Saucy—  (Bobbs her Nose. T. Ess. 
How? Saucy in commending my Commodities, pretty, pretty— prithee smell again—  
This, ay this is it i'faith—— Cudslid you Whore—  Bobs her, she gives him a Box on the Ear, and goes away with the Gloves. Enter Lov. who prevents T. Ess. striking again. Enter Loveall. Lov. 
How now Tom, quarrelling with your Customers?  T. Ess. 
Customers with a pox,— I have exposed to Air, at least a dozen papers of my best Roman and Italian Gloves; smell Mr. Love-all— and the Baggage laid out nothing but a box o'th'Ear; but I had reparteeed it, had not you stayed my hand— but Mr. Love-all, I am heartily glad to see you in Town again, the Ladies have so wanted you at my Shop.  Lov. 
Sirrah, will you never leave your Lying to one that knows you? you were a pure Rogue to put a common Whore upon me when I was last in Town, for a person of Quality; but look to it Rascal, for I'll trappan thee into Matrimony for it, and then Cuckold thee.  T. Ess. 
Say you so, then hang care, I find 'tis impossible to be a Married man and no Cuckold, for the Misses who are kept, are more true to their words than the Wives now a days are to their Oaths they make in the Church— (aside. But Mr. Love-all, as I hope to be Alderman, and ride in Scarlet, and have the Bluecoat Boys sing Iordans Poetry before me to the Spittle, I was credibly informed she was a Person of Honour.  Lov. 
Yes, of Whetstone's Park, Moseleys Damsels were Nuns to her, and she was so Pocky, that she embraced the offer of a French Vallet to go over into France to get Cure.  T. Ess. 
A person of Honour may get a Clap, or so, who can help it— but is she gone to Paris? that I had known it sooner.  Lov. 
What would that have advantaged you?  T. Ess. 
Much, much Sir; for I would have sent a Venture by her for Gloves, Ribbons, and Essences: Those kind obliging souls buy three to one Cheaper than your Coy Virtuous Women, I know it by experience; the little Goddesses of Love have the prettiest Wheadlingst ways, that what I have lost by Selling to them, I have choust the Honest Women of— look you— there goes a Rogue who has at least three times given me the go-by for several pair of Gloves— She has called in a Coach to see some, fitted herself, fallen into a Laugh, pretended business, and made the Coachman drive away hastily, sans paying a-gad: But hang't, I always got up my loss by the next Virtuous Customers have come, which is the cause of the Report that I sell dear— but Mr. Love-all, I must live; should I be reasonable to the Honest, I should lose abominably.  Lov. 
A precious Rascal, to make the sober Ladies of the Town maintain the Misses: On my Life, this was some thrifty Gallants invention, to mitigate his expense of Keeping.  T. Ess. 
Upon Rep Sir, my own Invention, to make the Rich Charitable to the Indigent members of Venus-encounters— See, I have a swinging Catalogue of 'em, here, all Debtors, who are to pay treble for the Commodities they have taken up, when they come to the Preferment of being kept by Lords or Country Cullyes; so that in my own defence, I'm forced now and then to top 'em on some shallow-brained Lord or Knight, to hedge in my Debts.  T. Ess. retires to his Shop. Lov. 
Laurence, are the Writings finished?  Enter Laurence. Lau. 
Yes Sir, they are done, but I having had no warrant to pay the Fees, the Lawyers would not trust.  Lov. 
What's a Clock?  Lau. 
Almost Twelve Sir— you must make haste, or the Canonical hour will be past; and if the old Man should be in a pet, he may chance to stop your Marriage till to morrow.  Lov. 
Fear it not— for I will not sleep, till it be in Theodocia's Arms; let us haste to the Temple for the Writings, from thence I'll fly to take possession of the two great blessings of the World, Wealth and Beauty.  
Whose mighty Charms the World could ne'er withstand,  
For their joint powers both Age and Youth command.  Exeunt. 
The End of the Fourth Act.    

ACT the Fifth.  

Scene, the first. The Street before Tom Ess. House.  Courtly Solus. 
MY restless soul stung with Theodocia's Falsehood, hurries me headlong to a wild despair, yet mighty Love controls my faint Resolves— but spite of Love, and all his mystic trifling, no longer I'll sustain my Injuries— but stay—  (Studies To him Mrs. Essence. Mrs. Ess. 
This Husband of mine is possessed, that's certain, and should I be so too, he'd soon be fashionable, which I am resolved to make him, if he continues longer in his Whimsies.  (Spies Courtly. 
— Ha! here's the fine Gallant again, as pat as may be; well Thomas, look to thy Head, for if this Blade proves kind, something to your cost may follow.—  (aside. Cou. 
Married! and broke her Vows! and still enjoys an undisturbed mind!— she shall not long,— for like her ill-genius, I'll haunt her every where with repetitions of her faithless Acts— since thou fair faithless Creature hast robbed me of a constant Love as thou'st made me, thou shalt be wretched too.  Mrs. Ess. 
Hem— hem, sweet Sir your Servant—  Mrs. Ess. sets herself in order by her Pocket-glass. Cou. 
Oh the disquiets of an Injured soul!  Mrs. Ess. 
How do you do Sir?— goodness Searches her Pockets, and pulls out an Essence-bottle. defend him, I fear he is ill again— let me see— oh, here it is,— this Spirit they say is excellent good to dispel Vapours '— I'll try the experiment on him—  [take some on her Finger and bobs his Nose. Cou. 
What mean you Woman?—  
It shall be so, I will revenge myself on all the Sex; first force this Tyrant from my soul, then practising dissembled Love, like her, I'll win 'em to my cursed end, and then expose 'em to eternal shame.  Mrs. Ess. 
Upon my life some Ill-natured Creature has denied his request, which makes him out of humour; but I'll make amends for the rudeness, and will comply if he has the goodness to ask, let it be what it will, for I find I shall not be able to refuse him any thing— Sir, as I was saying— pray how do you.  To them Tom Essence. T. Ess. 
Fire and Gunpowder! my Wife and Courtly together again! where be these Catchpole Rogues now, they might kill him with Authority, should he resist— however I'll in, and fetch a Weapon, and by knocking him down, secure him till they come to Arrest him.  (Exit. Mrs. Ess. 
One word for pity Sir— my heart beats heavily, and I am so concerned for you, that I Vow I am strangely indisposed— Oh I am sick—  She falls into his Arms, and le's fall the Bottle. Cou. 
Ha! the Woman faints—  Mrs. Ess. 
The Spirit, the Spirit Sir, quick, quick— rub my Temple's Sir, pray do— what not one kiss— (aside. the Spirit again, and bob my Nose with it Sir—  Cou. 
Damn her, 'tis Counterfeit— and the whole Sex is a Cheat— thus Theodocia seemed, when I took leave of her and left the Town— but I no sooner gone, but she resigned my Interest to another—  (aside. Mrs. Ess. 
Hold me a little harder Sir— squeeze me harder yet Sir; fear not, you cannot hurt me Sir— the Deuce take him, he understands me not sure!  (aside. Re-enter Tom Essence with a Paring-shovel. T. Ess. 
Blood must ensue— were he at his Prayers, I'd knock him o'th'head— Cuckold me quotha? a good jest y'saith— but I'll maul his Mazzard, were he as stout as Hector or Goliath— hum— hum,— Valour assist me; Tom, stand to't, and cool his courage in the midst of Courtship— now Sir, after my hearty Commendations—  Cou. 
Curse on my Eyes, what do I see? that hated Fop—  T. Ess. offers to strike. Cou. turns. T. Ess. bows & cringes T. Ess. 
Pox on him, his looks make me tremble like an Aspinleaf: Friend Thomas, thy disgrace will be insupportable; what, Cuckold and Coward too, thy Father was as pretty a spark as e'er played Trial of Skill at the Bear-Garden.  Cou. 
Sirrah, retire from my sight instantly, or by Heaven I shall grow wild.  T. Ess. 
This is the King's Highway Sir— winks & beckons to his Wife. and— the Baggage won't stir, ah Gipsy.  Cou. 
Do you dispute Sirrah?—  T. Ess. 
I'm gone, I'm gone Sir— 'tis a hard case, a man must be forced to leave his Wife with her Gallant— but I'll be near to hear and see what you do—  (Retires. Cou. 
Wherein can I be Serviceable Madam—  Mrs. Ess. 
Cannot you guests Sir? I am young, have an Ill-natured Husband, and I Vow you are Sir— but you'll think me a Wagg, should I tell you my mind—  Cou. 
No, no, no, speak, what am I?—  Mrs. Ess. 
You are Sir— Lord I blush so— pray turn your back Sir— you are— pray Sir do—  Cou. 
Torment!— now Madam speak, you are obeyed—  [turns his back. Mrs. Ess. 
Upon my Credit Sir, you are the most desirable man I ever saw, and could wish—  Cou. 
Could wish I would do— what?  Mrs. Ess. 
Revenge my quarrel on a necessary, but ill natured Fool, called a Husband—  Cou. 
To Cuckold him or so?—  Mrs. Ess. 
I Vow you are an Ingenious person, and guests admirably well Sir.—  (hides her Face. Cou. 
Oh Theodocia, too late I find the falseness of thy Sex.  Re-enter Tom Essence. T. Ess. 
Nay Friend of mine, thou canst not want a greater Whetstone for thy Valour than her Impudence.  [Offers to strike: Court. turns; he starts back fearful. Cou. 
Rogue, are you here again—  T. Ess. 
For no harm, no harm I Vow to gad Sir— I only come to pair away the dirt my Neighbours have cast at my Door— Sure my Father begot me in an Alarm, for I have fear enough to put a whole Town into Confusion.  [aside. Mrs. Ess. 
My Husband just in the nick— what ill Luck was this.  [aside. To them Theodocia. Theo. 
That Perjured Villain here? how I loathe the sight of him.  (aside Mrs. Essence, 
do you tamely stand, and let that Fellow rob you of your Honour?  T. Ess. 
Troth Mrs. Theo. I cannot help it, for to say truth, I am a very Giant in thought, but a Dwarf in action; I understand the Theory of fighting, but the thoughts of blood and wounds have kept me from the practic part, or by this time I had peppered him.  Theo. 
So poorly-spirited! you deserve no better Fate— To. T. Ess. False and Inconstant man, are these th'effects of horrid protestations, enough, if broke, to damn thy soul.  [to Count Mrs. Ess. 
What means she?  Cou. 
Madam, in vain you Counterfeit a Passion, a second time I will not be deceived; thou'rt faithless grown, and hast betrayed thy Honour to Eternal Infamy— Oh Theodocia, Reproach me not with Vows, which you, as I thought with as spotless Zeal did echo to— but now— thy choice, thy abject choice declares thy Honour lost, thy former Love Hypocrisy.  Theo. 
Good Heaven! he thinks to palliate his wrongs with a pretended Crime I should be guilty of— art thou grown so hardened in thy sin, to prosecute it in the face of Heaven and all the world, and basely to justify your injuries to plighted Love, would brand my Honour with Inconstancy.  Cou. 
to Mrs. Essence. Madam, your Charms do so surprise my soul, that without the blessed enjoyment of your Love, I shall be the wretchedst breathing— as now by Heaven I am—  (aside. Mrs. Ess. 
Lard Sir, your Compliments are strangely obliging—  T. Ess. 
Are they so? Very fine i'faith!—  (aside. Mrs. Ess. 
That my Blockhead were out of the way now; well I must, I Vow, that's the short and long on't.  (aside. Theo. 
Courtship before my Face I cannot bear— desist, or thy speedy death shall justify my Passion, and thou shalt fall a Victim to my tormented soul—  T. Ess. 
Good kind heart, how Zealous she is in my Cause still; well— she's an excellent Friend, and a pretty Creature; and had I been as high-spirited as she, the man had been knocked o'th'head by this—  Cou. 
Do, take my Life, and glory in the act, and by one fatal blow, cancel those Vows you made, and which are lodged here in my heart Theodocia, than you may uncontrolled, possess your worthy choice.  Mrs. Ess. 
What a Medley is this? it mads me that I am so disappointed—  Mrs. Theo. 
Don't think that this pretended Anger, for I know not what shall excuse the affront you have done me; no, no, a Woman's a Woman, and has a Spleen as well as man, understands points of Honour too; you conceive me— my Husband should be my own— but this lewd Age— yet I'll say no more—  Theo. 
I understand her not— (aside.)— yet too true I know that thou art false—  (to Cou. Cou. 
Witness Heaven, if I am false, you showed me the way— but to convince you, here take my Life— and by my death I will declare my Innocence.  Theo. 
Innocence!  T. Ess. 
Innocence! a good jest i'faith— when you become the blot of my Scutcheon, and exalt my Horn above my Neighbours; this is Innocence, is it— but Cudslid I'll not endure it— oh good Sir, I forgive Offers to strike Cou. Courtly turns, he cringes. you, upon Rep I meant no harm; be pleased to buy any good Gloves or Ribbons, Essences for your Periwig— pray walk in Sir— Pox on him—  (aside. Enter Bailiffs. 
Oh are you come, that's well; there's your man, do your Office—  Bailiffs Seize on Courtly. Cour. 
Arrested! what means this Riddle?  T. Ess. 
Riddle Sir? you are like to unfold it as you have my Wife's Riddle, Pox on your Learning for your pains—  Mrs. Ess. 
What does my Sot design by this? I'll observe, he's such an impertinent Ass, that I am ashamed to own him, for fear this Gallant should have the worse opinion of me for his sake, and disappoint my Expectations—  (aside. Cou. 
Rascals, at whose Suit am I Arrested? and for what?  T. Ess. 
Come, come Sir, I can handle and talk to you too, now you are in the hands of Justice, as they say; you are Arrested at my Suit Sir—  Cou. 
At yours Villain, Slave, yours?  T. Ess. 
Even so Sir, at mine and my Wife's injuries, great injuries you have done me, Rep must be satisfied.  Cou. 
What wrongs have I done thee? hadst thou affronted me, thou art a thing would more deserve my pity than revenge— and for thy Wife—  Theo. 
Dishonouring her, is I suppose a trivial thing, but now you'll find the due reward for Treachery.  T. Ess. 
Ay, ay, he shall find to his cost, for I can prove three thousand pounds worth of Assault and Battery Sir, you have committed on my Wife.  Cou. 
I injure her! Villain, thou Liest—  Mrs. Ess. 
I swear, and so he does, for he has not done me reason yet, as they say; but if he had, it would have been no Trespass, for I Vow he should have had free ingress, egress, and regress to do what he pleased— had you not come as you did—  (aside.) Cou. 
Cruel Fair, wherein have I done any thing might merit this ill Usage.  (to Theo. 
I injure thee! by all that's good, it is as false as thou art to thy former Vows,— oh Theodocia—  T. Ess. 
high day, I talk of my Wife, and he addresses himself to Mrs. Theo—  Cou. 
Were not thy perjuries sufficient—  T. Ess. 
Leave fiddle faddle Sir, and answer to the point— did you never lie with my Wife, ha? how say you, ha?  Cou. 
I never had so foul a thought towards Theodocia—  T. Ess. 
Look you there again now— tell not me of what you thought of Mr. Theo. but of my Wife.  Cou. 
Of Theodocia your Wife, I was talking of.  T. Ess. 
Theodocia my Wife? ha, ha, he; sure the man is mad.  Cou. 
Is not this Lady your Wife?  T. Ess. 
A Lady might have been my Wife, if I had been kind, but that time is past.  Cou. 
I am amazed! then the Picture I saw in your hand, you had from this Woman?  T. Ess. 
Even so Sir— this Whirligig is my Spouse.  Mrs. Ess. 
He tells you true Sir, and it is as true that I am that Fellow's Wife, a base Rascal as he is to suspect my Virtue.  T. Ess. 
Virtue! Au Lord! and have been Courted by a Batchellour-spark of the Town! that is the common pretence of all the Whores, though they have lain with half the Town—  Mrs. Ess. 
Sirrah, you think by accusing me, to excuse your own base actions; but I'll not bear it, marry won't I; I brought a good Portion, and will be respected and humoured, marry will I.  T. Ess. 
Yes, you shall be respected, but— with a Cudgel— if you go on Cuckolding me, I'll tell you but so.  Theo. 
What an unexpected change is here?  Cou. 
How have I been wandering in a Labyrinth of Errors since I came to Town, and Theodocia's injured Virtue strikes such a terror through my heart, that I am all Confusion— Madam, can you pardon one who basely has suspected Virtue and Innocence— some small excuse I have, though not enough to justify my wrongs to your fair self; for meeting this Fellow with my Picture which I had given you at my going out of Town, and he affirming he had it from his Wife, and it being reported in the Country that you were Married, made me conclude this was your Husband, which made me act deeds I am now ashamed of—  Theo. 
Blessed mistake! since it has tried and proved your generous Constancy, and I should rather ask your pardon for having been the Original of your past troubles, though not wilfully; for Fainting last night at the door, and having your Picture in my hand, I dropped it; but when I came to myself, in vain I looked, for I could not find it.  Mrs. Ess. 
At that very time I saw you in my Husband's Arms; and suspecting him for Lewdness, I came with a design to surprise ye together, but ye were too quick, and there I found the Picture.  T. Ess. 
Au Lord, what will become of me now? the burden of all will light on my Shoulders.  [aside. 
Yes, yes Sir, 'tis too true what the Woman says— and here is the Picture.  Mrs. Ess. 
Woman, you Clownish What-de-lack? no Woman of your making—  T. Ess. 
Say you so, than it would have been no news if you had Cornuted me— and I fear the mistake has gone too far for my Rep, pray Sir speak comfort to a Jealous mind; did you not revenge the affront I offered you, upon my Wife?— the truth good Sir, and I heartily forgive you, for I was justly served for being such a Coxcomb to conclude what I had not thoroughly examined.  Cou. 
Friend, rest satisfied, I have neither injured you or your Wife, but your Jealousy was enough to have made her extravagant; therefore have a care how you provoke a Woman hereafter.  Mrs. Ess. 
Ay Tommy, as this Gentleman says, take heed how you stir up my Granam Eves curiosity in me any more— if you do, I shall be for Forbidden fruit— but I forgive you this time, as you should me, and cease to be Jealous, or I shall be solicitous for you know what— Madam, I hope you'll pardon my late miscarriage, I Swear I meant no harm, not I, I Vow.  T. Ess. 
Sir, upon Rep I am obliged to you, and now— my dear, let us embrace and sign peace— me thinks this looks like our Wedding-day— if hereafter I break this League of Amity, I give thee free liberty of Conscience.  Mrs. Ess. 
Which I shall take, but till then Tommy, give me no cause, and I will be yours, and only yours, till death, Dorothy Essence.  T. Ess. 
Well said Chuck— Enter a Boy, whispers T. Ess, Sir your Servant; Mrs. Theo. your Slave: Customers are come whom I must wait on— Mrs. Theo. use my Shop, and pray do you too Sir; upon Rep, I'll sell cheaper to you two, than to any I know, for being the instruments of Reconciliation between my Dolly and I.  (Exit. Enter Luce. Theo. 
Dear Friend, what news hast thou learned in my absence? does my Father cruelly persist in his design to make me Love-all's Bride.  Luce. 
Madam he does— but what's the meaning of this? Mr. Courtly here? and reconciled? by what strange accident were ye made Friends.  Cou. 
Our Stars only tried our passions by some unlucky influences— but Madam, if you please, we may frustrate your Father's power if you will vouchsafe to make me happy with your fair self.  Luc. 
The Proposal's good, embrace it Madam, and put it instantly in execution; for should either your Father or Mother find you, you'd be in a desperate condition.  Mrs. Ess. 
Mrs. Theo. if I can serve you, command me, and Sir, you too may add yours to hers, and you shall see how cheerfully I will obey.  Theo. 
I am obliged to you Mrs. Essence,— and Friend, your proposal corresponds with my wishes,— yet a Father's anger, which will be inflamed too by a disappointed Stepmother, may produce a fatal consequence to all my hopes.  Luc. 
Indeed your Mother is impatient for your coming home, and I have promised to bring you; but to prevent all danger, I have contrived a way to disappoint your Mother, and Mrs. Essence may be Serviceable.  Mrs. Ess. 
Which I willingly would be, if it be an Intreigue; for I love Intrigues with my heart, and if you please to walk into my house, we'll discourse further of it— pray walk in Madam— Sir, I beseech you—  Cou. 
Ah Madam, this happy hour will make full satisfaction for our past misfortunes.  (Exeunt.  

SCENE the Second. Strees before Mon. door.  Love all, Laurence. Lov. 
Now for the rifling of Love's charming spoils— Laurence, have you the Licence ready?  Lau. 
Yes, yes Sir, here is the warrant of Condemnation— and the Writings from your Lawyer; he Swears he has tied you neck and heels— look you Sir— dear Parchment, to the tune of Twenty Guynnies.  Enter Mrs. Monylove. Mrs. M. 
Mr. Love-all, your Servant; my Master is in great expectation of you Sir, pray make haste to him, for he is so humoursome, that should you be absent any longer, it may endanger you the losing of my Daughter, and me the Honour of having so worthy a person for my Son-in-Law— which I'll prevent, if possible—  (aside. Lov. 
I am obliged to you Madam, and am glad to see your health so soon restored.  Mrs. M. 
Indeed Sir for the present I was Ill, but having taken the Air, and lying out one Night from this close Town—  Lov. 
In the Arms of your kind Friend Stanley.—  (aside. Mrs. M. 
My health returned, and I was loath to put my Master to charges, which made me put off my intended Journey— pray walk in Sir—  Lov. 
your Servant Madam—  Love and Lau. goes into the House. Enter Luce with Mrs. Essence Masked, with Theo. clothes on. Mrs. M. 
Here ' s Luce with Theodocia, 'twas well I shifted him off before they came—  Luce, 
thy diligence shall be rewarded; Daughter, no words, but along with me—  
Now Stanley, I'll perform my promise—  (aside) [Exit, with Mrs. Ess. Luce. 
So, this was a luckey Conveyance— now to prepare for my own affairs—  
Love-all, at last I've caught thee in my Net,  
In vain you'll strive, for you're past retreat.  (Exit.  

SCENE the Third. Old Mon, House,  Old Mon. after him Love-all, Laurence. Old M. 
Mr. Love-all! in good time Sir, I'll stand to't, I have a quarrel with you; what, stay till the Canonical hour be passed? Absurd, absurd, I begin to suspect you have no Love for my Daughter; if you had, you would have made more haste—  Lov. 
Not I Love fair Theodocia?  Old M. 
As I say, not Love her, or you would have been here sooner; but now Sir I am resolved she shall not be Married till to morrow; for my opinion is, that all Marriages after the Canonical hour are Unlawful; and consequently the Women are but a kind of Licenced Whores, which my Daughter shan't be, if I may have my will; I will not bate an Ace of the Canonical hour Sir, I am a Church of England man Sir, I'll stand to't I am.  Lov. 
But under favour Sir, our Church respects not time, but administration; if it be by One in Orders, and according to the Ceremony of the Church, let it be at any time, 'tis good— but Sir, for fear some scrupulous man should refuse, what think you of taking a Coach to Pancras-Church, there it will be done effectually, for that is a place of Privilege and Liberty to Marry without Lincenses, and at any time—  Old M. 
A place of Privilege and Liberty? a place of Debauchery, I le stand to't— what an age is this! that our Mother-Church should have Loopholes as well as the Laws! for those places of Liberty, as you style 'em, serve only to Debauch our Children from their obedience; for when they have no mind to Marry the person of their Parent's approbation, they run away with some indigent smooth-tongued Fellow to your place of Liberty (as you call it) and Marry him for Love forsooth, and commonly take their first taste of man in one of the Bawdy-houses, near that Church, and I'll stand to't; I believe the Beds infect 'em, and make 'em turn Whores, and Cuckold their Husbands, as most do—  Lov. 
Must then my happiness be deferred till to morrow Sir?  Old M. 
Ay, indeed must it Sir, the rather too, because I have not perused the Deeds of settlement yet.  Lov. 
Here they are Sir, and the Licence too.  Old M. 
Very good, very good, let me see 'em.  (Lov. gives Old M. the Writings, he peruses 'em. Enter Mrs. Mon. Betty. Mrs. M. 
I have performed my promise, your Daughter is within.  Old M. 
Oh Brother— I am obliged to you— now Mr. Love-all, you have nothing to do, but to prepare to be Married to morrow— pray know this Gentleman, 'tis my Wife's Brother, a notable Wagg, I'll stand to 't— and he disguised himself on purpose in Petticoats, to put a trick upon my Daughter, and cousin her into obedience— come, come, I know you are surprised, and think it is my Wife, he is so like her— embrace I say, embrace him, I'll stand to 't, you shall—  Lov. 
By Heaven his very Wife, for I know no Brother that she has— however, since she has brought Theodocia home, I'll favour her design, but I cannot imagine what will be the end of it— Sir, I must acknowledge the Obligation you have done me, in bringing fair Theodocia to be my Bride—  (Embraces Mr. Mon. Mrs. M. 
But now I have her in my power Old Sir, I am resolved not to surrender her till I am assured of her Portion.  Old M. 
Thou art the notablest Lad I e'er met with, but to satisfy you, I engage before ye all, to pay down on my Daughter's Wedding day the Sum of Six Thousand Pounds; besides, it may be, a settlement of my whole Estate upon her and her Heirs for ever.  Mrs. M. 
Done like a Father of so deserving a Daughter.  Lov. 
And I hope you'll say I do deserve your Daughter, when you shall see with what obliging kindness I shall use her— and my Uncle too has made a Settlement of his whole Estate upon me.  Mrs. M. 
And you are resolved to give this Portion?  Old M. 
As I say, I'll stand to't—  Mrs. M. 
Stanley, bring forth your Bride—  Enter Stanley, Mrs. Essence Masked. 
See Sir, as to my own particular, I have kept my word; but my Friend here, has both won & Married your Daughter, and now I hope the Portion will be ready—  Old M. 
How! my Daughter Married to that Hector? Brother—  Mrs. M. 
Mistake not Sir, now my business is done, I resign that Title, and reassume that of a dutiful Wife; and to say true, I never had a Brother.  Old M. 
Ha, is this true?— was it you then that wore the Breeches, and made me a Cuckold in my own House? you're a Harlot, I'll stand to't, and I'll take a course with you, for I'll be Divorced if money and Law can do't; but first I'll cancel the Settlement I made on thee, of my Estate for Life, but it was with power of Revocation; and next, I'll turn that graceless wretch out of doors— 'tis well you have the modesty to hide that shameless Face—  (to Mrs. Ess. Lov. 
Theodocia Married!  Lau. 
What will become of thee Laurence? for since thy Master has missed of the Mistress, thou art in danger of losing the Maid—  (aside. Mrs. M. 
Fret on Sir, yet 'twill not do, for your promise is good, the Portion must be paid, and Divorce when you will, the Prerogative-Court will give me Alimony, and the Chancery Separation money, enough to maintain a Gallant.  Old M. 
An absurd impudent Strumpet, I'll stand to't— but I am well enough served for Marrying when I was past the use of Woman—  Lov. 
Was this the Assignation you made your Gallant, Madam?—  Mrs. M. 
The very same Sir—  Stan. 
Even so will; for when I came, her kindness turned to this, and forced this Lady into my Arms to Marry, which you may be assured I did very unwillingly; but as you say— Persecution is come abroad, and we must suffer patiently—  Lov. 
Villain, thou never shalt enjoy her; thus I'll force a passage to thy soul, and cancel all those Vows you've newly made to this Lady—  (draws) Stan. 
Now I have possession Sir, I shall not easily resign my Interest.  (Draws, they fight. Mrs. Ess. 
Hold, hold, good Gentlemen, Murder not one another for me—  (She Unmasks All. 
Mrs. Essence!  Lau. 
Nay, then take heart of grace good Laurence, for there's hope again; what Mrs. Essence!  Mrs. M. 
The Milliner's Wife in Theodocia's clothes— then I must rest content, since I am outwitted  (aside. Stan. 
Cursed Stars, am I Cozened then?  Old M. 
Huswife, what have ye done with my Daughter? you have her clothes—  Mrs. Ess. 
Be not angry Mr. Monylove, she's gone about a certain Intreigue, and to carry it on, she desired my assistance: Now I, loving harmless witty Intrigues from my heart, readily complied, and I was thus disguised, and brought by Mrs. Luce to be Married to a person in Mrs. Thodocia's name; and I Vow, methinks 'tis a very pleasant Intriegue.  Stan. 
A Devil on your pleasant Intreigue, I am like to lose a fair Fortune by it; nothing Vexes me now, but that I did not perfect the Marriage, that in revenge, when the Cheat should be discovered, I might have Hanged thee for having two Husbands—  Mrs. Ess. 
I Vow Sir, I admired at your forbearance, & am glad you did not urge it on me, for I fear I should have yielded, you Embraced me so passionately, and Kissed me so pleasantly!  Lov. 
There's some hopes left, since she has missed of her design—  (pointing to Mrs. Mon. 
Joy, joy to you Stanley, you are the happy man to have a Fortune forced into your arms—  (to Stan. Enter Cou. Theo. Luce, Betty, Tom Ess. after'em. T. Ess. 
Well, I am Jealous again, what a Devil should my Wife do with Courtly now? something more is in it than I can at present apprehend— and what their business is here, for my blood I cannot guests—  (aside, Old M. 
What, what do I see, Mr. Courtly and my Daughter together?  Cou. 
Who desire your Blessing, which is only wanting to complete and crown our Joys—  Lov. 
Then she's beyond all hopes, e'er to be retrieved—  (aside. Old M. 
Baggage, out of my sight—  T. Ess. 
Call my Wife names? that must not be— Neighbour forbear Ill-language, or look you, de'fee, the Law shall gag you— what though she be somewhat faulty, yet my Wife's my own Sir, and no one shall Correct her but myself— Ha, Mrs. Theo. in my Dolls Petticoats?—  Old M. 
What ails the Fellow? shall not I Correct my own Daughter? if you want your Wife Sir, there she is, Married to one of the Town-hectors', I'll stand to't—  T. Ess. 
Married! Married! oh insatiable! what, two Husbands! is this true? confess and be hanged, for so thou shalt, if it be proved—  Old M. 
In vain are all excuses; go, go, I'll never own you more, and your disobedience will justify my intention, to give my Estate to Mr. Love-all in satisfaction for the affront you have done him.  Lu. 
First hear what I can say in Vindication of her actions— she could not otherwise have done in Honour, her Vows by your command, being given to her now Husband Mr. Courtly— but grant she had been free, yet Love-all could not have Married without the forfeit of his Honour; to prove the truth of which, read there the Accusation of his intended Perjury—  (delivers a paper to Old M. Lov. 
Ha! this is the Widow— too true, 'tis she, curse on her ill-timed presence— had I been sure of Theodocia, I'd have outfaced, nay, and out-lyed the Devil before I'd have resigned that beauteous Treasure— but now it is too late—  (aside. Lu. 
Do you not know me Sir? view me well— not yet know me?— to convince you, I am the person you have endeavoured basely to abuse— see here— that Lady's Picture enclosed Shows a Picture and a Letter to Lov. in your Uncle's Letter, which by Providence you left hehind you at my house— now did I basely seek Revenge, thy Life is forfeited— but Love in me's more powerful— therefore to salve my Honour, you must— Marry me— if not—  Lov. 
I am past evading it, nor indeed would I, since I have lost Theodocia,— She's Rich and Handsome— Faith Madam I must plead guilty, I have been a very Villain,— but then consider Widow, 'twas Love, all powerful Love of your sweet Self made me act so extravagantly; but if now thou provest kindhearted and forgiv'st me, I'll proclaim thy mercy to the world, and Seal it in the next Church we come to—  Old M. 
What's here? a Contract of Marriage between William Lovett and Theodocia Landwell, of Stamford, Widow; what is this to Mr. Love-all, Luce?  Lov. 
Sir, I confess it my hand, and intended for my name, but that my Uncle had provided your Daughter for my Wife— but since that does not succeed, I am resolved to execute what I then designed only as a Cheat on this Lady's Virtue; Widow, your pardon; Widow, your pardon.  Old M. 
How! is Luce a Widow?  Lov. 
Yes Sir, this is the Widow who formerly I told you relieveed me and my Man, when we were robbed and Stripped.  Old M. 
What a turn is this! a Rich Widow my The's Maid? a good jest I'll stand to't.  Luce. 
Thus disguised, I gained admittance into this Lady's Service, to prevent my Disgrace, and her Ruin, as it might have proved; for, by my contrivance, both yours and your Daughter's Honour is unsullied, seeing she has performed her Vows to Mr. Courtly—  Lau. 
The Widow! what Ill-luck was it that I did not get into my Master's Saddle.  (aside. Old M. 
You're a Witty pretty, Pretty witty Widow, I'll stand to't— Mr. Love-all— 'twas absurd, absurd in you to do so ill an action— however I'll stand your Friend to your Uncle, and as I say, Marry her, and I'll justify it—  
Mr. Courtly, take my Daughter, and bless ye together, and I hope you'll pardon my intention of Cozening you; I am Old Sir, 'twas for money, a greater Estate, a greater Estate; and you know we Old men are as amorous on money as you young Gallants on fair Maids; I'll stand to't, I am Sir, as I say I am.  Cou. 
My Obedience Sir, for the future, shall show my Forgiveness of your intended wrong, since I have full possession of my Theodocia.  T. Essence to Stan. 
Pshaw, pshaw Sir, your reasoning is vain, do not I know the tricks of the Fashionable Wives, they make nothing of marrying their Gallants now a days, but I'll not allow it; you have marryed her Sir, and shall keep her Sir, for I'll have nothing more to say to her; a fair riddance of her say I, and if she goes on marrying at this rate, the Town will be but one great forked head of her own making, upon Rep.  Cou. 
Essence, you must pardon your Wife, for what she did was at our request, and innocently done.  T. Ess. 
Pardon her? not I, therefore take her to you Sir, or I'll have her hanged Sir, and then I'll have the Five hundred pound Lass, whom I was informed had but three.  Theo. 
What she did, was at my desire Mr. Essence—  Cou. 
To gain time for our marriage, and to prevent Mrs. Monyloves discovering us before our Joys were complete.  Stan. 
A Pox upon't, it was too true; you may take your Jessamine butter-pot home, for any use I have made of her.  Old M. 
I'll stand to't Neighbour Essence, she's a witty discreet Woman, and it will be absurd if you do not pardon her.  Mrs. M. 
'Twas only a harmless Intreigue, such as my Neighbour Tattle and I used when we went Masked to the Galleries at the Playhouses, to hear the fine Gentlemen talk None-sence, and Swear, to be thought Wits— and this Gentleman (if I am not deceived) used to be one of 'em.  T. Ess. 
Say you so? then I'm satisfied, since Rep is whole again— but Doll, provoke me no more to Jealousy; and dost hear, by way of prevention, go no more to the Playhouses masked; for there is a scurvy Proverb, and you may be caught at last— Your Pitcher may be cracked with often use— yet I will not bar you of your pleasure, but be contented to go the seldomer, and I'll set you in a Box, as well as our Neighbour's Wives; for the Pit and Galleries are become downright Conventicles of Bawdry; one cannot hear a Play in 'em, for the Chattering of the fluttering Blades to a Company of Pockey-faced Creatures in visards, upon Rep— but Doll—  
Use freedom with discretion, and you'll see  
Tom Essence understands Civility.   
FINIS.   

ERRATA.  
Page 4. 3. Line 20. for Adam's Body, read Adonis' Body.   

EPILOGUE, Spoke by Mrs. Essence.  
NOw I had rather, Sirs, be hanged, than come  
To know your Courtesies about our Doom:  
Y'ave been applied to, all the several ways  
Man's Wit could think of to procure your Praise,  
Yet ne'er has any yet successful been,  
To gain your Favours, or Applauses win;  
When monstrous Fools ye have been made o'th'Stage,  
Such provocation justified your Rage.  
We've only now an Essence shown— poor Man,  
Whose jealousy was Author of his pain,  
But yet the Fop recovered Rep again.  
— But now me thinks a Cloak-Cabal I see,  
Whose Prick-ears glow, whilst they their jealousy  
In Essence find— but Citty-Sirs, I fear,  
Most of You have more cause to be severe:  
We yield you are the truest Character.  
But Tommy Swears by Rep— your Whoring lives  
Are but too bad examples to your Wives.  
If each man to his Dolly would be true,  
Then like myself, yours would be honest too:  
But, Sirs, I Vow it was with much ado.