Tunbridge-Wells: OR A DAYS COURTSHIP. A COMEDY, As it is Acted at the Dukes-Theatre. Written by a Person of Quality.  
Licenced, Roger L'Estrange.  
LONDON, Printed and are to be sold by Henry Rogers at the Crown in Westminster-Hall, 1678.   

PROLOGUE.  
TH' Old English Stage, confined to Plot and Sense,  
Did hold abroad but small intelligence,  
But since th' invasion of the foreign Scene,  
jack pudding Farce, and thundering Machine,  
Painted to your grave Ancestors unknown,  
(Who never disliked wit because their own)  
There's not a Player but is turned a scout,  
And every Scribbler sends his Envoys out  
To fetch from Paris, Venice, or from Rome,  
Fantastic fopperies to please at home.  
And that each act may rise to your desire,  
Devils and Witches must each Scene inspire,  
Wit rowls in Waves, and showers down in Fire.  
With what strange Ease a Play may now be writ,  
When the best half's composed by painting it?  
And that in th' Air, or Dance lies all the Wit?  
True Sense or Plot would fooleries appear,  
Faults (I suppose) you seldom meet with here,  
For 'tis no mode to profit by the ear.  
Your souls (we know) are seated in your Eyes,  
An Actress in a Cloud's a strange surprise,  
And you ne'er paid treble prizes to be wise.   

Actor's Names.  

Tom. Fairlove.— A Gentleman of the Town, that Loves handsome Women.  
Owmuch.— A Gamester, that Lives by his Wits and borrowing of Money.  
Mr. Wilding.— A modish Husband, that gives himself the Liberty of the Age.  
Sir Lofty Vainman. A Baronet of great means and little sense, a great affecter of figures and hard words.  
Squire Fop.— A Coxcomb that pretends to know all persons and business.  
Alderman Paywel. An indulgent City Husband.  
Dr. Outside.— A Man made up of Physical terms and little Art.  
Parson Quibble.— A Welsh Vicar in Love with the Widow, and strangely addicted to punns.  
Poet Witless.— A conceited Rhimer, that strains his fancy beyond his Judgement, and Writes Nonsense for strong Lines.  
Farendine.— A Quondam Mercer disgusted with his Profession, and from a sedentary Fool being turned a Riotous Coxcomb pretends to all the worst Qualities of a Gentleman.  
A Boy.—   

WOMEN.  
Alinda.— A witty discreet Lady, beloved by Fairlove.  
Courtwit.— A great pretender to Wit, and an Admirer of it, where she finds it.  
Paywel.— A pampered Alderman's Wife, that employs more of her Husband's Estate in Lewdness than Charity.  
Parrot.— Parcel Midwife, parcel Bawd, the Confident of Paywel.  
Brag.— Two Whores.—  
Crack.— Two Whores.—  
Page.— Lackeys.— Coachmen.—    
Tunbridge-Wells: OR, A DAY'S COURTSHIP.  

ACT. I.  Fairlove discovered dressing: His Lackey attending. Fairl. 
HAst called my Sister?  Lacq. 
An hour since; I consider a Lady requires more time to harness than a Coach and six—  Fair. 
What Company came down last night?  Lacq. 
Three Coachfuls, besides droves of Horsemen.  Fair. 
Hast learned their Names.  Lacq. 
And Qualities, Intrigues, and Assignations.  Fair. 
Come, your discovery.  Lacq. 
In primis, Lady Brag, a rich buxom Widow, with a noise of Bullies attending her.  Fair. 
She has been here these two days.  Lacq. 
But her Adorers came last night, Videlicet, Mr. Farendine the spruce Mercer, Parson Quibble, and Poet Witless.  Enter Owmuch. Fair. 
They'll serve for a Vacation Courtship— jack Owmuch!  Owm. 
What Hurricane of Love drove thee from London, before our Beauties do desert the Mall, the dusty Park, and treating Mulberry?  Fair. 
You appear to me the stranger miracle: Have Marrowbone and Putney lost their charms, that you forsake the Town this Bowling-Season?  Owm. 
The Court's retirement to Windsor has attracted so many Modish Fops, there are few Cullies stirring, and thou knowest my business Tom's to borrow money.  Fair. 
I faith I want it for my own Occasions.  Owm. 
Husband thy holy day Oaths, and done't suspect me for so vain a Sot, as to hope to borrow money of a Wit..  Fair. 
Continue that wise faith, lest you prove more terrible to thy Acquaintance than a Sheerness Ague.  Owm. 
As to my foolish Acquaintance, I may say Nature designed them my inheritance, and as Lord Paramount I still dispose 'em  Fairl. 
If all Fools be thy Copy-holders' thou mayst be Pope for the universality of thy jurisdiction.  Owm. 
Sometimes indeed they pay me Peter pence: My happy Stars disposed me th'other day amongst a Colony of Elder Brothers, whence I chose a Brace to whom Fortune had been more bountiful than Nature.  Fair. 
Some dull insipid Heirs to their Parent's industry:  Owm. 
Right; Masters of Land in present, and of wit in reversion.  Fair. 
Where do these Dotterels lodge?  Owm. 
Here at Bounds under the same Roof with you— Boy, inform the Knight and Squire where I am; then in my name salute the Lady Brag; within this hour, say I'll kiss her hands.  [Exit Boy. Music within. 
Morrow to the Right Worshipful Sir Lofty Vainman, to his fair Sister, and to the celebrated Esquire Fop.  

A SONG within.  
HOw wanton, and frolick's this Age,  
Wherein Gallants so briskly invade  
The Misses that furnish the Stage,  
And the Madams in Maskarade?   

Unseen and unknown they still court,  
And walk a Corant to and fro',  
Bad faces ne'er hinder the Sport,  
If the Blade's well provided below.   

The Ladies make choice by the size,  
The Gallants by Garb and Proportion,  
And when their brisk Spirits do rise,  
They fall to their carnal devotion.   

There needs neither Parents consent,  
A jointure nor Rites of the Church,  
If fiercely the Gallant be bent,  
The Ladies scarce leave him ith'lurch.   

Yet if he too faintly pursue  
The Idol he seems to adore,  
With a frisk she'll bid him adieu,  
And leave the young Fop at the door.   Fair. 
The Fiddlers named a Sister, Came she down with you?  Owm. 
Yes, and such a polished piece of Flesh and blood, Tom; so tempting fair.  Fair. 
Prithee say.  Owm. 
Such a delicious, delicate, ingenious Rogue; no shrugging, cease your vain hopes, and to thy future torment know, that she's reserved.  Fair. 
For my embraces jack.  Owm. 
Learn to despair betimes, thou mayst as soon persuade the Dutch to adjure Traffic, as move her to affection; she has a frost in her blood, and a fire in her brain.  Fair. 
If handsome, let the Fire be where it will I'll quench it.  Owm. 
There's more than up and ride here Tom, you will find her no Theatre Visor-mask, nor one of the Moseleys Persons of Quality, she defies the enchantment of a Snake curl, cannot be mollified with a treat, nor will she dance after a consort of Guineas.  Fair. 
Introduce me, and let me take my venture.  Owm. 
Thou mayst as soon draw the chief Prize in the Indigent Officers Lottery, as purchase her; the majesty of her beauty will command thy reverence, and the acuteness of her Wit thy admiration.  Fair. 
Doubtless I shall admire her, for I find I love her already.  Owm. 
I'd fain see that movable in petticoats thou couldst not love.  Fair. 
I'm a well wisher to the soft Sex.  Owm. 
As ever trappaned Virgin of her trifle, thou obligest all, from the Bib to the Muffler, from the bulk to the Alcove.  Fair. 
Had my design on Woman been half so successful as thine upon gouty Purses and consumptive Coxcombs, I had not been thus long condemned to the dull and nauseous embraces of an old overriden acquaintance.  Owm. 
Thy penance would become my Paradise.  Fair. 
Dost love an old Obliger?  Owm. 
I could ne'er keep Friend to make th' experiment.  Fair. 
You should caress them, as I do mine, not cheat 'em so inhumanely.  Owm. 
Thou art as foul mouthed as a decayed sinner in the lower Alsatia: 'Tis as great a Sollicism in good manners to say a Gentleman cheats, as to call a Lady of Quality Whore, for obliging a a distressed Cavalier with a night's lodging.  Fair. 
I beg your pardon; you out wit them. My Sword.  [To his Boy Enters Owmuch his Boy. Boy, 
Sir, an ancient Gentlewoman without inquires very loudly for you.  Owm. 
What kind of Animal is she?  Boy, 
she calls herself Madam Parrot.  Fair. 
The Midwife, I'll withdraw— I had rather stand ten broadsides of a Ship Royal, than the artillery of her Voice: she quarrelled once a Bearward, and though nine Oyster Wives came in to his assistance, she half killed him with noise, and rendered him entirely deaf for a month after.  Owm. 
She's a Woman of an uncontrollable clamour when she's moved, and nothing does it sooner than to debauch one of her fair Lodgers without her privacy.  Fair. 
My ears have suffered so cruel a Martyrdom in the confirmation of that truth, I dare not oppose it.  Owm. 
She out does a Playhouse Orange Woman for the politic management of a bawdy intrigue.  Fair. 
Well, when you have rendered her conversable, I'll appear, and in the interim hasten my Sister for the Wells.  [Exit. Owm. 
Boy, send her in— She comes with fresh intelligence of Game, if profit the Attendant, I'll make a stoop and gorge the golden Prey; if only pleasure, let those whom ease and plenty have made wanton, pursue the riotous variety, I cannot live upon it.  Enter Parrot. Par. 
Dear Owmuch! I have run myself into a Bath to find you.  Owm. 
Thou art the prettiest obliging Creature! But do these Waters afford ne'er a piece of barren, or disgusted Matrimony, some Widowed antiquity, or antiquated Virginity, to whom a strong chined Gentleman, with a back of the first rate, may be serviceable.  Par. 
Dost take me for a Harridan, or a Cuff●ey? ha!  Owm. 
I believe thee a very obliging Creature, truly.  Par. 
I won't be believed an obliging Creature by ne'er a Sir Fopling of you all, the Court know me a Creature of Heavens special Handiwork, and if I live to see the City, Bow shall Ring with thy abominations, till Mary-Overs echo thy lewdness: Tempt me to be an obliging Creature;  Owm. 
Let this Guiney render me more intelligible to your good Name.  Par. 
You have a good Lady of your own, and for you to make these wild excursions to abuse your old acquaintance with the occupation of an obliging Creature.  [Weeps. Owm. 
A few tears may do her parched hide a kindness, and cement the clefts in her face, which gape for a shower like a clay fenn in the Dog-days.  Par. 
But as I was saying Mr. Owmuch, if you can discover any implyment, whereby a poor Gentlewoman's reputation may not be blited, you shall find me as pliable as a Willow; tending to all occasions, Honourable and commodious.  Owm. 
Now you speak reason; Ladies come down here for the common cause, and can you (who are the very model of experience) imagine that desires can be satisfied without their common remedy: Waters are but waters Mrs. Parrot, there goes more to the composition of an Heir, than minerals.  Par. 
Now you come to me; and I've an Alderman's wife in chase to answer your full wishes, who wanting the conveniencies her Sex requires, is kindly willing to spare the decrepit years of her Husband, and to manage his Cash to his ease, and her own satisfaction.  Owm. 
In short, she would be furnished with an able friend.  Par. 
That can hardly be done in short, Mr. Owmuch.  Own. 
Busiy not thy projecting head about dimensions; she may spare the question the Lady asked the Giant, by your assuring her that all's proportionable, Fairlove comes, you'll find me at the Wells.  [Enter Fairlove. Par. 
I'll give the Lady an Inventory of your abilities.  [Exit. Par. Fair. 
I find the Beldame has not digested our last quarrel, by the flight she took upon my appearance.  Owm. 
I warrant you disappointed her assignation, for she loved thee passionately.  Fair. 
I've younger game upon the Wing, your Knight's Sister.  Own. 
The worshipful Wight appears; who rightly managed may prove a future introduction to that amour, and a pleasant diversion at present.  [Enter Sir Lofty Vainman. Vain. 
My Stars are superabundantly propitious in administering the Seraphic felicity of this crittical encounter.  Owm. 
Such accumulated kindness will bankrupt my poor acknowledgements.  Vain. 
My soul's inhabited, or rather Collonized with an alacrity to see you.  Fair. 
I know not how his Soul's inhabited, but's head may pass for a Colony in Greenland, it is so thinly peopled.  Vain. 
My noble Mustapha, is he thy Zanger?  [to Owm. Owm. 
A Gentleman, whose accomplishments will recommend themselves to your acquaintance.  Vain. 
As I'm a Baronet of th' old jocabus stamp, I am his Vassal in decimo sexto.  Fair. 
You much honour me.  Vain. 
Fragrant Sir, I honour any Man of parts, for I hate a Dunce, and adore a new Acquaintance.  [draws his Book. Fair. 
Pray enter me into the List.  Owm. 
D' you book 'em all Sir Lofty.  Vain. 
I should obliterate half else, here's thy Name, and thy friends should be Registered next, could I deciphered.  Fair, 
Mine's Fairlove.  Vain. 
Odoriferous Mr. Fairlove! I reverence thy Name sublimely, and to ellucidate the redundancy of my devotions, I'll enter it upon the knuckles of my Pedestals.  [writes upon his knees. Fair. 
'Tis the friendliest fool I e'er conversed with.  Owm. 
Now shall I be more slighted than a passionate cast Mistress, who thinks a Man obliged to digest the nauciousness of her Age, because he was surfeited with the pleasures of her youth; for he admires an acquaintance no longer than he gets a fresher.  Fair. 
Keep him from others, and my acquaintance with him shall tend to thy advantage.  Vain. 
So! I have you down in capital characters.  Courtwit peeps, steps back, then Enters. Fair. 
You may enter without the hazard of a blush, for these are very modest Gentlemen.  Owm. 
A modest Gentleman is less acceptable to a well bred Lady then an Eunuch to an experienced Widow.  Fair. 
This Knight I'm sure allows the character, he seems a harmless Servant to fair Ladies.  Cour. 
If but to the Fair, what will become of me?  Vain. 
Excuse me thrice resplendent Nymph, I am so to all.  Cour. 
Who speaks to all is silent still to me.  Vain. 
You shall make an impropriation of me, and be the sole Incumbant of my amours. Pardon me, Madam, though I illustrate my ellocution with those clerical metaphers, know I am a Baronet of 2000 per Annum.  Cour. 
I guest it by your ridiculous bravery, and extraordinary confidence.  Vain. 
She's a Lady of an intellectual sublimity.  Fair. 
She'll improve by the converse of so ingenious a Knight.  Vain. 
She may impregnate, Sir.  Fair. 
You mean my Sister no dishonour.  Owm. 
I dare engage for's innocence.  Vain. 
I contemplate the impregnation of her capacity by this snuch.  [Pulls out his snuch Box. Cour. 
This is the extravagants Coxcomb, that ever nature produced to countenance folly.  Fair. 
Would thou hadst him for better and worse.  Cour. 
To sell to Gresham College to be anatomised for a Fool, 'twere worth the Virtuoso's while to find out the Seat of folly, and learn to cut Gallants of the simples.  Fair. 
Didst know the sweet conveniency of a wealthy Fool, thou'dst have a greater aversion to indigent Wits, than celebrated Court beauties to an habitation in North- Wales.  Cour. 
If Fate design me for such an unfinished piece of Manhood may she send me a soft insipid Fool, for these half witted Pops are more obstinate than ignorant Devotees, and less tractable than Mules.  Fair. 
You Lady Wits have still the ill Fortune of fooling your best Servants first, and then yourselves: I expect you should consume your youth amongst the Wits, and purchase a large dowry in Sonnets and Repartees; but when maturer age shall blunt the edge of these fantastic nothings, and show what you thought wit, want of discretion, Sister.  Cour. 
Would you would instruct more by example, Brother.  Fair. 
My defects are no warrants for your Follies.  Cour. 
But running in a blood they ought to be the more excusable, at least to you.  Vain. 
Pray Madam, what's your name?  Cour. 
I was christened before I could well remember— Ha, ha.  Vain. 
Does she deride Sir Lofty Vainman?  Owm. 
No, 'tis a particular grace.  Vain. 
Say you so; in veracity, the elegance of my fabric tittilates the imaginations of most Ladies I converse with.  Fair. 
You are certainly Venus' Darling, and that my Sister may be in your Books, her name is Courtwit.  Cour. 
But who gave her that name is the next query; the Knight makes me too much a Girl, and my Brother would have me too soon a Woman, certainly there's a medium Mr. Owmuch.  Owm. 
She's as pleasant as any thing in Nature.  Fair. 
Ever except a Monkey and a Shock Dog.  Cour. 
And a Lover Brother, for there is nothing in Nature so fantastically apish.  Fair. 
'tis because Ladies are caught like Dotterels by imitation, we are fain to counterfeit your follies to bring you to our lure.  Cour. 
You make Dotterels of us, and we make Dolts of you.  Enter Fop. Fop, 
Faith and troth I'm glad I've found you, dear Coz.  [to Sir Lofty Cour. 
Was he afraid to lose the Knight or himself?  Owm. 
He pretends to know all persons, and their concerns, has the ambition to be thought a Wit, and commends all things in the wrong place.  Cour. 
Methinks our Knight ingrosses him.  Owm. 
A fresh object to Sir Lofty is next to a new acquaintance.  Cour. 
Never was Knight and Esquire better matched,  Fair. 
It grows late, I suppose you command Sir Lofties Coach.  Owm. 
And him to, or I misspend my time.  Fair. 
Mayst thrive in thy adventure: Come Sister.  [Exit with Courtwit. Owm. 
Fairlove designs Sir Lofty for his Sister, but I intent him first for my own advantage, and then may she be happy in her Fool; 'tis true she seems averse, but an Estate yoked with a Ladyship may change her mind: But now to my own Plot. O Lord, Sir, I had forgot your danger! I beg your pardon, your safety makes me rude.  He muses then pulls Vainman hastily. Vain. 
Where's Fairlove and the Lady?  Fop. 
Do you know Fairlove?  Owm. 
If you respect Sir Lofty spare your impertinance.  Fop. 
ne'er stir, I love you for that, as if any man knew Fairlove better than I,  Owm. 
Had you the knowledge of an Oracle, you must be ignorant of this concern.  Fop. 
I thank you for that, as if your business were not the Wells.  Owm. 
No more than to th' Indies.  Fop. 
And now you talk of th' Indies, I'll discover a mystery of Trade, our Merchants are taxed with th' exportation of broad Gold to that Clime, when insincerity the greatest part is exchanged with Sweden for Copper.  Owm. 
A Pox on your brazen impudence!  Fop. 
Why it is generally used amongst the Misses instead of Mercury in all their washeses.  Vain. 
By the soul of industry it may turn to account, for most of our refined Gallants look as if they used the same wash too.  Owm. 
Will you believe me?  Fop. 
I love you for that ne'er stir, as if this were an Age to believe any Man.  Owm. 
There's no persuading him, I must think upon some other course. So-ho-Boy— [Enter Boy; he whispers the Boy goes out, If this prove not let the Devil take the Dice, and throw me a worse change.— [Boy returns with two naked Swords. Mr. Fairlove sends you these to take your choice.  Fop. 
I love him for, what shall I do for a Scabbard.  Owm. 
One you may dispose as you please, th' other he intends to sheathe in your sweet guts.  Fop. 
The Devil take me for a soused Mackarel, if ever I spoke to the Man in my Life.  Owm 
Just now, none knew him better,  Fop 
Know, or know not, I'm a Person of resolution, and scorn to fight any Man without a quarrel: Send me a sword!  [Exit. Owm. 
Your Kinsman has put me in a kind of heat, but he's an Animal; and were not your interest concerned.  Vain. 
Most endearing odoriferous Owmuch,  Owm. 
If you carry not some spell about you.  Vain. 
Not I, by the spirit of Garagaeneva.  Owm. 
It were else impossible, I've a passion for thee, as if thou were't a Miss of an hours acquaintance.  Vain. 
Put in sincerity, dost affect Sir Lofty Vainman.  Owm. 
Refuse me else! were Fairlove ten thousand Friends, since he resolves to quarrel my noble Knight, I'd renounce him.  Vain. 
Quarrel me!  Owm. 
In short, for I dare disguise 't no longer; these Weapons I used to scare your Kinsman, were sent by Fairlove to you, who took offence, how e'er he seemed to bear it, at the ambiguity of your expressions.  Vain. 
I apprehend the Gentleman's very quarrelsome.  Owm. 
The veriest Wasp in Europe▪ he beat a modish Fop for discharging a Volley of crittical non sense upon Ben johnson's Fox, and kicked a Vallet de Chambre in the pride of his Lords cast Suit, disputing precedence with a Ballad-maker: at certain times the Devil possesses him, and then he destroys Friend and Foe without distinction.  Vain. 
You have talked me into an intermitting Fever, what's to be done?  Owm. 
Done! Cut's throat.  Fain. 
Is't for the credit of a Baronet in Commission to fight?  Owm. 
That's considerable.  Vain. 
Besides, my Estate is 2000 per Annum, what has he?  Owm. 
What Fortune and the Dice oblige him with.  Vain. 
May I dwindle to an Esquire, if I scorn not to risk my life at such uncertainties.  Owm. 
What if we try the Sister's intercession?  Vain. 
Most Philosophically imagined.  Owm. 
Yet I've a certain scruple.  Vain. 
Be not retrograde my dear Elixir of amity.  Owm. 
I swore upon an accident never to tempt a Lady empty handed.  Vain. 
I apprehend, thou shalt▪ present this Locket.  Owm. 
To the Lady, but hast no slight regalio for the Chambermaid, to facilitate address.  Vain. 
Here's a movable of eight guineas.  Owm. 
Illustrated with a Paper of Verses 'twill serve turn: but let me consider what I'm indebted, a hundred and fourscore.  Vain. 
It wants ten, thou art a faithful Debtor.  Owm. 
Then thirty makes just two hundred pounds.  Vain. 
My Purse is superstitiously at thy devotion.  Owm. 
And to requite the courtesy I'll introduce you into the acquaintance of a rich young Widow, whose pleasant conversation will shorten the time spent in adjusting your quarrel.  Vain. 
Thou art expansively obliging, I'll go numerate the pounds, and rendezvous you at the Portal of my apartment?  [Exit. Owm. 
Every Man in's way; here's a good morning's purchase; two hundred pounds, a Locket, and this ring; all got by honest industry, the Brandenburg of cozenage, by which the zealous sober Citizen does circumvent the ignorant, oppress the indigent, and swallow the profane and prodigal.  

To thrive is but our Neighbours right t' invade,  
And cheatings the chief knack of every Trade.   [Exit.  

ACT. II. SCENE. I.  In the Widow's lodging, Enter Brag and Crack. Brag▪ 
OUr Wits grow duller than a Dutch Lampoon, and our best projects meet as bad success; as if the Devil (Traitor to himself) had leagued with virtue to suppress poor Sinners.  Crack. 
Well fare old London, I say there's the game; there they come tumbling in with fiery bloods, light heads, and weighty purses; these dull waters render intrigue too phlegmatic and serious.  Brag. 
O the dear time when Misses came up first in fashion: then half the Town were Novices in love; and not so many Ladies of the game: the subtle practice of one afternoon for Petticoats i'th' Row, and Lombard Street, for Smocks in Cornhill, and for Gloves at th' Change, whilst Covent garden furnished golden Cash, than were the happy days.  Crack. 
But now grown numerous, like other Traders, must rest content t'imploy our industry for smaller gains than our happy Predecessors.  Brag. 
We are barred the blessing of variety for want of choice, we cherish costive Fops, whose narrow bounty scarce affords us gruel.  Crack. 
The Mercer comes off pretty handsomely.  Brag. 
Inspired with Pontack, that spur to Venery, we feel his bounty.  Crack. 
In that gay mood, he turns a Debauche; and hates the City Idol, Interest.  Brag. 
What think you of our quibbling Levite.  Crack. 
The Guiney-gelder, he was born in Wales, and thinks a mark a most Majestic Bounty.  Brag. 
Curse on these hide bound Cullies! I must have such mettled Sparks as scorn to starve their venery; a poor it inerent White-friar's Sinner, that nightly plies 'twixt Theatre and Temple, I can't live upon such scraps; I'll straight cashier 'em.  Crack. 
That were ill policy: Suitors about a Widow are like Daws circling a Prey; their cawing may invite the Eagle, but summons certainly their fellow Daws,  Brag. 
We might extract more Spirits from these Weeds.  Crack. 
No Chemistry is like a Woman's Wit.  
If mine fail not, I'll turn 'em all to profit.  Brag. 
But I'd fain see some proofs.  Crack. 
You are too impatient, the World's improved, and not so easily imposed upon, as formerly.  Brag. 
Plays and converse have so refined the Age old Cheats won't pass; Yet had I rich Pretenders!  Crack. 
New Setters up must entertain all Comers; and I despair of none, but your dull Rhimer, for one may easier extract from Cinders Balsamic Oil, than gold from Poets.  Brag. 
Why then let's squeeze the Parson.  Crac. 
His Tithe Geese and Pigs come in so slowly they'll scarce discharge a Treat of pettit Pasté and brandy. Obscure, I hear some footing. I vow my Lady's busy— Brag hides: Crac. runs to the door to stop Quibble and Farendine. Pray be civil— Your Coat speaks more reverence, than to press upon a Lady's privacy; if these intrusions be countenanced no Person of Quality will drink the waters at their Lodging.  Quib. 
It is my duty to have regard to so comfortable an importance as a young Widow's water.  Crac. 
She's none of your charge, Mr. Quibble.  Quib. 
But I have been at charges with her, therefore I charge you t'evade your frumps, lest I crack your conundrum, Mrs. Crack.  Crac. 
The Cracks have as good a report as the Quibbles in spite of your Welsh Herauldy.  Quib. 
Thy tongue's a very cracker, all noise, and no danger.  Crac. 
It is not such a firebrand as yours, to cause dissension in a whole Parish.  Far. 
There's no dealing with Women, the Merchandise seldom answers expectation.  Crac. 
He prates like a City Orphan.  Far. 
Know I defy that enclosure of horned Beasts, where hypocrisy stalks like Religion, and fraud wears the Cloak of Sobriety; I dwell within the Precincts of Gentility; keep a Warehouse within the sent of his Majesty's Kitchen, wear my sword, maintain my Miss, converse with the Huza's, storm Punks, beat Watches, and reel to bed by three in the morning.  [Enter Witless. Wit. 
Where's this magnetic of beauty; here's an Ode shall make her fairer than Nature designed her, it contains 999 Stanza's, writ all ala vole; my Muse ne'er drew bit for't.  Quib. 
Then she baited on horseback, for I'm sure she keeps the Stage.  Wit. 
That such shrubs of illiterature should censure us! But I'll confound their ignorance: know that I am happily the best Poet that ever translated Farce.  Crac. 
'Tis the first time I ever heard of your merit▪  Wit. 
That argues you of low conversation; why, th' Age takes its measure from my garb and writings, and for Plays a late piece of mine ravished the World; it was so charming, so divertisant, the Actors could not hear it without bursting their buttons. And I confidently dare aver 'twill read and act with any Play in Christendom. Hast seen Tunbridge Wells?  Quib. 
I don't frequent the Theaters.  Wit. 
I'd have it acted all by Women:  Crac. 
And why by Women?  Wit. 
Because Baudry and non sense is best received from their mouths.  Quib. 
Your Muse roams, and becomes vagrant.  Wit. 
Tempt me not, lest I tell thee, thou Nonconformity to Order, how much the canting Pulpit has borrowed from my strain, t' enhance its reputation.  Crac. 
you'd best profane Heroic Plays to.  Wit. 
Poor Chamber Utinsil; thy heart is no more proof against Love in rhyme than thy sleazy Smock against him thou likest.  Crac. 
He must be a better Engineer than thou, to undermine it.  Wit. 
Thou art no competent Judge; therefore I'll make an Essay upon thy Lady.  Crac. 
No admittance there to an empty handed Lover, she's resolved to value your affections by the price of your Presents.  Wit. 
Present her straight these Verses, where resides the Cleopatrian Pearl of Poetry.  Crac. 
These paper presents might find at Epsom a more fit employment.  Wit. 
O thou impertinences! but you are great Judges, Gentlemen.  
When most Stupendious Thunder from the Earth  
With silent noise concealed this Lady's Birth,  
The Bull in Paralax did bray so loud  
That Fate by him had like to have been cowd.  Wit. 
Do you Laugh at me, Laugh at an Author, by Ate Nemesis and all th' infernal spawn inspires Lampoon, I'll dray thy Portraiture in Travesty so horribly deformed, and like a Hag, thou shalt deface thy Idol Looking-glass, and in thy cruel garter hang thyself.  

Horror, and Hell with Nature shall conspire  
And blast thy face, to compliment my Ire.   [Exit. Quib. 
His Muse is still upon the speed, I wonder he posted away no sooner.  Crac. 
Your conundrums are as unacceptable to my Lady as his Rants; she understands no Courtship but Plate and Jewels.  Quib. 
For Plate, I've little besides a Brandy-Cup.  Crac. 
A brandy Cup! you sure mis-understand me.  Quib. 
We'll beget right understandings, fear not, how e'er I'll give thee a Mark to remember me by.  [gives her Mony. Crac. 
You are too noble.  Quib. 
A Wit of my own strain, there's Ten-groats for that jest.  Crac. 
What a quarter you keep with your kindness?  Quib. 
Art with me again? that joke deserves a kiss.  Faren. 
These Priests are prodigal of their flesh; but were he an Arch-Flamine I durst drop Angels with him.  Quib. 
My bounty has been so remarkable you can't forget me.  Crac. 
The way to keep benefits in memory is to repeat 'em.  Quib. 
When next we meet we'll come to repetition.  Crac. 
You see th' address I use, to be at your devotion.  Faren. 
Your kindness shan't forestall my bounty.  Crac. 
My Lady, hears nothing from me but your praise.  Faren. 
You give my love kind hopes.  Crac. 
She's the richest Widow that ever thrift, or cozenage produced.  Far. 
Present her this small token of my Love.  [a jewel. Crac. 
Now I'll pronounce her Yours; the strongest sympathies in love or Nature are less violent than her inclinations to a franklover.  Faren. 
I've given direction for a Richer present, when Poet, or Parson rival me in bounty, may I return to my first vomit, snort at government over a Coffee dish, and curse French Weavers.  Crac. 
Not a word of your Profession, as you affect preferment; my Lady sounds at the very Name of a Citizen.  Faren. 
That generous humour does improve my hopes; I want but little of a Gentleman, except a Privilege not to pay my debts; for I can swear as loud, talk as profainly▪ Drink as deep, and Court a Miss as lewdly: Therefore I'll order straight my Journy-man to shut up Shop, turn all my Wares to cash, defraud my Creditors with a composition, and make me large returns of th' overplus, that I may put myself into a Garb, Purchase a Knighthood, and atchiev'e the Widow.  [Exit. Crac. 
'Tis a most Gentlemanlike resolution.  [Enter Brag. Brag. 
Excellent Rogue! Thou hast out done thyself!  Crac. 
What I performed, was all by your direction.  Brag. 
Thou growest too modest, I acknowledge thee the builder of my Fortunes, and thy own.  Crac. 
This Gold and Jewels are but fortunes pledges, here comes your Doctor, and in his thread bare velvet.  [Enter Outside. Brag. 
Would you have him leave his degree behind him?  Out. 
Madam, I could not take my round, without certifying myself of the intrinsical operation of your Ladyship's waters.  Brag. 
They pass but dully.  out'ts. 
Do you ponderate them, according to prescription?  Crack. 
Alas! She has not discharged (saving your Worship's reverence) the demi-quantity she drank.  Out. 
Some viscous obstructions latent; but I'll prescribe an apperative: I profess they should be drank at the Well, lest they evaporate their volatile Salt.  Enter Parrot in a heat. Par. 
O! you are a worthy man to be relied on.  Out. 
Why all this indignation, Mrs. Parrot? you see I dispatch my Patients as fast as the best of the College.  Par. 
You are a worshipful dispatcher indeed, t' have had a Lady under your hands these five weeks for the common cause, when I have known more good done in five minutes.  Out. 
The Waters must have time for operation.  Par. 
Is it not a shame for you, and your waters not to render a Lady fruitful in five weeks.  Out. 
The Husband's old and defective.  Par. 
Were not you employed to supply those defects? Do we not call the Physician to help th' infirmities of Nature? and were not you called (as they say) by my advice, I thought you an able Man, but you approve yourself a Man of weak practice, and feeble parts.  Out. 
Be pacified, what's within the power of Man I'll effect.  Par. 
What's within the pores of Man may do much by a right applications, I know't by experience, I beg your Ladyships pardon that I borrow your Doctor for an hour.  Brag. 
he's freely at your service.  [Exit with Doctor. Brag. 
I hope Owmuch has brought some freshgoslings.  [Enter Owmuch, Vainman, Fop. Owm. 
You'll pardon, Madam, this bold intrusion.  Brag. 
I seldom admit Company at my Lodgings, when I drink the Waters, but yours is at all times acceptable.  Owm. 
The reality of your compliment will appear in your courteous reception of my friends.  Brag. 
They need no other Character t' assure their welcome.  Owm. 
Sir, Lofty Vainman, and Esquire Fop.  [They Salute her. Vain. 
Her Lips are softer than the Clouds, and melt to Manna.  Fop. 
My memory, fails me, or I should know this Lady.  Brag. 
Know me!  Fop. 
I've seen those eyes shoot glances in the Park and now I think on't, your Manty was Cherry and Buff trimmed with a Gentianella coloured ribbon.  Brag. 
What shall I do? I shall be discovered.  [To Owmuch. Owm. 
Let not fear betray you, 'tis his humour to pretend to know all persons. Sir Lofty I must recommend this Lady to you for a Virtuosa, and leave you Esquire to the mercy of Mrs. Crack.  Fop. 
You are for the Wells now.  Owm. 
You should be an ginger by your conjecture: Do you know I want twenty Guineas?  Fop. 
Was I ever ignorant. These make an even hundred.  Owm. 
I owe Sir Lofty two. But I'll leave my Fools to their Fortunes.  [Exit▪ Owmuch. Vain. 
My Visage is the perspective of my heart, and my tongue, the Landscape or passage of my intellects.  Brag. 
'Tis too intricate a Prospective for me to judge by, for I have but one sure proof of love.  Vain. 
Make it the Standard of mine, and if it prove not Alchemy contemn my prowess, and render my Chivalry ridicule!  Brag. 
Your imprecations have unlocked my breast, indulge my modesty to whisper the kind secret.  Vain. 
The Heavens are not more bountiful when they dissolve in fruitful showers to impregnate Nature: But con licenza that rapture merits quotation.  [draws his Book. Brag. 
Sure Nature takes delight in varying Fools, and made this for her sport, he's so affectedly ridiculous.  Vain. 
Madam, my auricular aurifices dilate themselves to entertain your secret!  [they engage in dumb show. Crac. 
You are the cunningest Squire I e'er met with.  Fop. 
Yet I dare wager you know not what's a Clock. But I've that about me does to a minute.  [draws his Watch. Crack. 
A very gentile Watch, and well studded!  Fop. 
'Tis East's own handy work, and made of old spurroyal Gold, newly returned from Holland, to quicken the motion.  Crack. 
I doubt it will move as dully back as a sat Burghy-master after a surfeit of Pilchers.  She goes to put the Watch in her Pocket, he holds her Arm. Fop. 
ne'er stir, I love you for that.  Crack. 
Tell me when you shall have't again, and I'll swear, you are cunninger than the Deaf dumb Fortune-teller.  Fop. 
ne'er go you are a pleasant Lady, as if I knew not.  Crac. 
I'll lay a Crown you don't.  Fop. 
Done!  Crac. 
Done! And you shall keep stakes.  Fop. 
In feikens I love you for that.  Crac. 
Now resolve the question.  Fop. 
I shall have't when I ask for't, shan't I? whose the Fool now?  Crac. 
Try, and ask.  Fop. 
That's well enough; D' you think me such an Ass to lose my wager.  Crac. 
The Angel be your guard, and mine the Watch.  Fop. 
ne'er stir, I thank you for that, but lend me it me again, and I'll teach you to set th' alarm.  Crac. 
O fie; I can't endure a noise, it makes me sound.  Fop. 
It has such a pretty motion for the tide.  Crac. 
Pray let that motion rest till I take Water.  Fop. 
Foutreblew, I hope your heels are not so light as your fingers.  Vain. 
'Twill stupefy all indigent pretenders, and ratify the value of your charms.  [to Brag. Brag. 
'Tis not the present, but the love I value, they that are always giving before Marriage, will give it afterwards to better purpose.  Vain. 
This Locket shall remain, bright Pyramid, a splendid hostage to confirm my Love, which future Presents shall expatiate.  Brag. 
You are generous, but I must beg your pardon. The waters make me unmannerly.  [Exit. Crac. 
Madam, I come.  [Exit running. Fop. 
My watch, ne'er stir my Watch! Her heels are so light, I wonder how they balance her brains.  Vain. 
I am entranced with such Seraphic charms.  Fop. 
I'll lay my Soul t' a Pepper Corn that you're in Love.  Vain. 
Delphos ne'er spoke with more veraciousness.  Fop. 
Delphos, and jupiter Amon were Asses, Timothy Fop was a seventh son, and divined in's Mother's belly.  Vain. 
Thou art enthusiastically congnitiant, but I must make an est inventus of Owmuch.  Fop. 
And I'll voyage the while towards the straits of your Sister's affection.  Vain. 
Hold Armiger, you must a while retire; the Knight must nuptialize before the 'Squire.  [Exeunt.  


ACT. III. SCENE. I.  The Wells are discovered full of people washing and drinking Water; amongst the rest Fairlove, Alinda, Alderman, Mrs. Paywell, Parrot, Outside, Owmuch, Courtwit, the two last advance towards th' Audience. Owm. 
YOur Brother's engaged in a very hazardous adventure.  Crac. 
Were she more wittily abusive, and enviously censorious than the Ladies of the Circle on the Queen's birth night, he has confidence enough to put her out of countenance, and new colour her paint with blushes.  Owm. 
Nay she has her proportion of assurance too; and the tartness of her Wit may give his Love a surprise.  Court. 
'Tis well if it do; for if her wit were no more surprising than her beauty, 't would neither deserve his Love, nor our argument.  Owm. 
They must both abate their value in your presence.  Court. 
Were this from any body but you, I should value myself much upon that compliment.  Owm. 
My commendations are not, I hope, scandalous.  Court. 
But praise is a dangerous surfeit from persons that afford such large pennyworths.  Owm. 
Where deserved, they may be received without vanity.  Court. 
So might Lady's favours by you, tho' you continually boast 'em, and lest you should brag of mine, I'll not take one thing kindly you say.  Owm. 
That won't be for the reputation of your good humour.  Court. 
If 't be for the reputation of my good name, 'tis better.  Owm. 
That's as insignificant t' a well-bred Lady in this Age, as a patch ill placed; it disgraces her beauty.  Court. 
Those modish Ladies are very unkind to themselves to be obliging to you.  Owm. 
That's another argument of a virtuous ill nature, to be suspicious without cause.  Court. 
Pray give me a proof of your good one, by handing me down, th' other walk to avoid my Brother; for I had as live be seen in the Company of a Baboon, as of so near a Relation in public.  [whilst they walk off, Fairlove and Alinda advance. Fair. 
'Tis as impossible for you Ladies to be fair without being ill natured, as for a fig to ripen against a North wall.  Alin. 
'Tis not over civil for an entranced Cavaleire to tell his Lady her faults at first sight.  Fair. 
Since scorns the prerogative of Beauty, 'tis no great imputation.  Alin. 
But to me, who cannot challenge that Character, 'tis very offensive.  Fair. 
Profane not, Madam, such divine perfections; Nature has copied out all other faces, and drew you only her Original, for this Age to adore, and the succeeding to take their measures of proportion from.  Alin. 
I'm sorry I cannot say as much by you.  Fair. 
'Twere not difficult, had you the same affection.  Alin. 
But then, I must outlye a Lover.  Fair. 
That's as easy, now I have shown you the way. But setting apart your raillery, which is but the breathing exercise of your wit, I'm confident you have no aversion for me.  Alin. 
I am so far from doubting your confidence, I believed you impudent the first minute I saw you.  Fair. 
Let's kiss and be friends, why should we Wits quarrel?  Alin. 
I had rather subscribe myself a Fool, than be of your society.  Fair. 
That would avail you little, for I'm such an amorous Coxcomb, I should turn fool too, rather than forsake you.  Alin. 
Since the matter's so difficult, let's draw cuts who shall go first.  Fair. 
I'm in no haste; may I die if your company be not extremely pleasant.  Alin. 
And yours so tiresome, I'm resolved to quit the Walk, rather than give myself a farther penance.  [Exit looking back. Fair. 
So quick! She expects now I should follow her; and for my pains be laughed at, nay it may be scorned: I'm in the snare, but to own my chains were to adjourn my wishes; and become the passive anvil of her gilting wit: Rather than I'll erect th' imperious Throne of her proud Tyranny, I'll curb my Love that she may give a loose t'her own desire: I know she burns, but scorns to own the fire.  [Exit. Alinda reenters Alin. 
He's gone, I fear I was too sharp; and yet he took more liberty in's smart replies to me; but they were brisk and witty, full of spirit: Yet what's his wit to thee, or thine to him? I'll rend his memory from my soul; be gone!  

Love vainly hopes a conquest o'er this heart,  
Since 't has resisted Wit, his keenest dart.   [Exit▪ The Wells continue still full of company: Enter Wilding and Courtwit. Court. 
I wonder you'd embark on the Vessel of Matrimony having so little kindness for the Voyage.  Wild. 
Beauty, and Portion were such tempting Devils.  Court. 
I should suspect 'em for Angels, since they have brought you so soon to Repentance.  Wild. 
Had not your beauty relieved me, they had played the Divil's in earnest, and led me ere this to despair.  Court. 
Your faithless inconstancies hath played that Devil's part with so many of our Sex, that I'm arrived at that Harbour already, and utterly despairing of Man's reformation, have formed most desperate resolutions against Marriage.  Wild. 
Indeed it is pleasanter t' enjoy the same delights at liberty, and change often; else it is as dull, for if a man must be confined to one dish, a Wife's the more Sanctified diet, and sometimes the more wholesome.  Court. 
How profainly you talk?  Wild. 
A Wife of the second year has less Harmony than the Bells in a Pestilence, a perpetual jangling, and should the Husband rise at every peal, the thin Animal might rest to Eternity.  Court. 
And you come to th' Wells for a recess.  Wild. 
Rather to put myself i' th' mode, and choose a Miss; for their price is so enhanced in Town (through the vanity of Witless Heirs) that a very waiting Actress expects a Settlement.  Court. 
Approves your Lady these excursions?  Wild. 
We be neither so ill bred to concern ourselves with each others intrigues.  Court. 
On these terms I could fancy Marriage extremely.  Wild. 
Fie, Love and liberty have softer charms; Birds never hatch well in a Cage; And I'm not so enamoured on the words, to have, and to hold, but I could be kinder without 'em; especially to so dear a Creature.  Court. 
But how long would this kindness continue? not till Death us depart.  Wild. 
Can you be so cruel to expect it? Love and Youth should finish their course together, for there's no condition in Nature so miserable, as to be strong in desire, and weak in performance.  Court. 
What think you of the Married one?  Wild. 
As of a Pestilence, none but so fair a Doctress can relieve.  Court. 
I fancy Paywell has the same power, and happily more inclination.  Wild. 
She's in years, and Married; and I'm a very conscientious Sinner.  Court. 
Therefore may oblige you with more safety.  Wild. 
Dull security rebates all pleasure; give me danger, and difficulty, to enhance th' object, I hate an easy purchase.  Court. 
Now I know your mind, I'll grow extremely scornful, to heighten your affections.  Wild. 
I would not have you put a constraint upon yourself; you have beauty and youth sufficient to heighten love without such artifice.  Cour. 
I cannot digest that compliment without a glass of Water, Let's to the Well.  They walk towards the Well, and the Alderman and Mrs. Paywel, Outside and Parrot advance, followed by an Old Woman with Water. Ald. 
Give me t'other glass; these Waters are so cold, I profess they'll hardly down.  out'ts. 
Stir Mr. Alderman, motion warms, and gives the Waters just operation.  Payw. 
By my truly, if they don't satisfy my longing for a Boy, I shall scarce applaud 'em.  out'ts. 
You see they 've brought th' old Gentleman t' an appetite.  Par. 
He eats well (as you say) but I can't discern the Madam one jot the better satisfied.  Ald 
Midwife's will talk Mr▪ Doctor, and my Buntings so passionate for a great Belly, she'll ne'er have done by her good will, when any Man enters upon that argument.  Par. 
She's not so long upon that point as you're too short, Mr. Alderman.  Pay. 
Many a Woman would have supplied his defects elsewhere rather than suffer such an estate to go out of her line.  out'ts. 
Have patience till I have finished his course; then by the help of a prolifie Bolus, and a secret Arcana I'll administer, I dare engage an happy product.  [Parrot spies Owmuch at distance. Par. 
Yonder's the Party I told you of.  Payw. 
Conduct him to the Place of Assignation—; Well Doctor, the hopes you give me shall suspend my longing— Good Honey fee him well.  Ald. 
I han't known my Bunting in a better humour; Come Doctor, le's walk, and see how the squares go among the Ninepins.  [Exeunt Alderman and Doctor. As Paywel is looking for Parrot she meets Wilding and Courtwit advancing toward her. Payw. 
Mr. Wilding, You are very late this morning.  Wild. 
I have been here this hour.  Payw. 
What Creature have you got by th' fist? her Garb savours much of the Mall by twilight.  Court. 
And why o'th' Mall, Dear Madam?  Payw. 
Because of your Court tincture, Nature works you all in wax, and like an Artist Painter, clothes variety of Features with the same complexion.  Wild. 
You are too severe; this Lady lives in Fleetstreet.  Payw. 
I beg your Ladyship's pardon, and since y' inhabit within the verge of the City, supplicate a further acquaintance— Y' eye my Point, I think 'tis the greatest curiosity in Europe, my Smock's laced with the same, I assure you.  Wild. 
Now she's entered her right qu.  Payw. 
And were it not for giving scandal in so open a place I could show that might create th'envy of all the Court Misses.  Wild. 
'Twould much oblige the Company.  Court. 
And no ways disoblige the Court.  Payw. 
They rail at me already for wearing such rich points upon my petticoats, and swear they don't become a Tradesman's Wife, but did they see what's under my petticoats.  Wild. 
That were a sight indeed.  Payw. 
I'll come one day with all my trappings, and dazzle their weak eyes; and let'em know a Banckers' Wife can vie jewels with the proudest of 'em.  Enter Witless, his Pockets crammed with Papers▪ Alderman Farendine, Quibble, Outside, Tipwell, as from Ninepins. Quib. 
Sussex, Sussex, I'll be judged by the Alderman.  Aid. 
I scarce observed it; What say you, Doctor?  Faren. 
He's a Bettor, What says Poet Witless.  Wit. 
I vote against you, either tip from the Brook or bowl again.  All. 
Content.  Quib. 
Not five, Mr. Alderman.  Ald. 
Five for a Crown.  out'ts. 
For another.  Wit. 
Not five, six.  Faren. 
Not six, six to four.  out'ts. 
I take you.  [Exeunt huddling, Witless drops a paper. Court. 
The Poet has dropped a paper, prithee reach it.  Wild. 
What's here? A Lampoon, and to that Satirical Tune of Amarillis.  Court. 
As you love me sing it.  Wild. 
I have none of the charming'st voices, and may therefore obey you without further entreaty.  

LAMPOON.  
COurtwit she's exceeding gay  
Courtwit she's exceeding gay.  
And kisses Wilding, when she may  
Without her Brother's knowledge,  
For plush Outside, she does deride,  
Tho a Member of the College.   Court. 
The rhyming Fop was much your friend; proceed,  

Alinda she is seldom kind;  
Alinda she, etc.  
Although her wit seem much refined  
I doubt at last 'twill fool her;  
For she's of Age, I dare engage  
And wants a Man to cool her.   [Courtwit snatches the Verses and tears them. Wild. 
Oh unmerciful to destroy a Poet in a moment!  Pay. 
They found a fate too noble: But I implore your pardons to seek the Alderman!  Court. 
Rather a Rummer of Rhenish, let's observe her.  Wild. 
I can find nothing worthy observation but yourself.  Court. 
Always except your Glass, for there you may observe on of the prettiest affected Gentleman, what ever France taught to be ridiculous in England:  Wild. 
And yours represents the beautyfullest Angel that ever England produced for France to adore.  Court 
Such another compliment would make me sound: I had rather be led a corant in the Bear-garden than flattered in public: And see where comes the Morris, which will prove a much better diversion.  [Amorrice Dance, which done Enter Roger. Cour. 
Is my Brother gone?  Roger. 
When the Lady with the Blew-livery took Coach, he mounted his Barb.  Court. 
Be ready at th' end of the walk: I must take the other glass; come Platonic.  Wild. 
I may thank your virtue for that unfashionable epithet, mine ne'er deserved it.  Court. 
Were't not in hopes of your conversion, I should be loath to venture my reputation in your Company.  Wild. 
And had not I contrary hopes, I should fancy myself to have the worse of the bargain, for it is a greater imputation for a Man of Wit to converse thus publicly with a Virtuous Lady, than it can be to her to rally with the greatest Debauché in Nature.  Court. 
'Tis pity Custom allows such a mixture of conversation, that the chaste can scarce be discerned from the Misses.  Wild. 
Why should Custom distinguish what Nature has made so like; indeed your Virtuous Ladies are the worse Natured, for they presume so much to be saved for their Chastity, that they'll be sure to be damned for their Pride.  Court. 
'Tis Nobler to fall by the crime of Angels, than the Sin of Brutes.  Wild. 
So you fall any way, I shall be pleased.  Court. 
A glass of water will allay this Flame.  Wild. 
Love, like a bourn, must be drawn out by fire,  
Waters may quench my thirst, not my desire.  Court. 
Some more such flights (good Servant) as we walk, for your discourse before was neither Rhyme, nor reason.  [The Scene of the Wells shuts.  

SCENE II.  Quibble, Farendine, Outside, Witless, drinking. Wit. 
Here's a health to the blazing Star of perfection.  Quib. 
Perhaps she's but an exhalation; I'll not falsify th' intention of my health.  Out. 
Drink with a mental reservation; I'll do thee reason.  Quib. 
I abominate drinking obscure healths as much as praying in unknown tongues.  Wit. 
I say the Blazing Star, th' Epithet's my own, and I'll mantain it.  Quib. 
If she be a Star, I'll drink her up to a Sun, Mercer to thee.  Fair. 
No more a Mercer than thy Mother, I've turned my Shop out of doors, and can justify myself a Gentleman to the Heralds.  Quib. 
Then here's to thee, Gentleman of the last edition.  Draw. 
Anon, anon Sir, did you call?  Faren. 
Th' other Bottle. To the happy Man that first enjoys the Widow— Little do they imagine whose health they drink.  out'ts. 
Each man believes he drinks his own.  Faren. 
T'unriddle all, she's mine; I've given earnest for her.  Quib. 
To give earnest before marriage is to forestall the Market.  Wit. 
And that's directly against the Statute.  Faren. 
Damn Statutes! though I gave the Widow no earnest, yet I gave earnest for the Widow.  Quib. 
Worse, clear circumvention, a superstitious fraudulent design to marry her without her own consent.  Wit. 
A very Rape in Law,  

He that a Widow sans consent does wed,  
In his own wrong does get the Maidenhead.   Faren. 
A Widow's Maidenhead, Ha, ha, ha.  Quib. 
He meant the Virg in-Widow.  Wit. 
Right, 'tis the unhappiness of us great Poets to speak things in our Seraphic flights somewhat unintelligible: Now listen to an Ode.  

A ballad.  
YOu Ladies who in loose bodied gown,  
Forsakes the sneaking City,  
And in whole Shoals come trundling down,  
Foul, foolish, fair, or Wity.  
Some for the Scurvy, some the Gout,  
And some for Love's disease,  
Know that these Wells drive all ill out,  
And cure what e'er you please;  
They powerfully break the Stone,  
And heal consumptive Lungs;  
They'll quicken your conception,  
If you can hold your tongues:  
Then you that hither Childless come;  
Leave your dull he's behind you,  
You'll never wish yourselves at home  
Our Youth's will be so kind t' you.   Quib. 
An Ode! a Grubstreet ballad.  Wit. 
Thou degenerate Bastard of Levi; but for ludere cūm sacris, I'd break thy canonical Crown.  Quib. 
Than 'twould be as little currant as thy rhimes; but I'll swear the peace against thee immediately.  Wit. 
Thou dogmatical Dunce in Orders: Didst ere know Poet bound to's good behaviour, We that can depose Kings, subvert States, create and annihilate unborn Worlds.  Quib. 
Treason and Blasphemy, bear witness Faréndine.  out'ts. 
He means in's Plays; he showed me a Comedy wherein he murdered a dozen Kings by one Plot.  Wit. 
Let me see e'er a Parson do as much; I went not treacherously about to incense the People, and foment Rebellion, but contrived my Stratagem with such artifice, they destroyed each other playing a Prize at Cudgels. There was surprise for you.  out'ts. 
Why should sober persons differ about trifles?  Wit. 
Know'st the value of an Ode, the worst Syllable I sung was worth the East India Fleet.  Quib. 
I'd not give this grain of snush for a whole Volumn.  Wit. 
Urged by's contempt, and by m'own rage inspired,  
My Muse with ruinous revenge is fired;  
But I'll so mawl the Slave, abused my Poem,  
That Friend, nor Foe, nor Heaven shall dare to know him.  [Exit in rage, the rest following him.  

SCENE III.  Owmuch, Paywel, Parrot, Boy with Wine. Owm. 
This Room's more airy, and has better prospect, down with the Bottles Boy, and set us Chairs.  Par. 
Here's health to this Ladies hans in Kelder, Gentleman.  Owm. 
First to the work of Propagation, dear Midwife.  Pay. 
I vow you make me blush: here's to the premises.  Par. 
She drinks it with a gusto.  Owm. 
Do thou pledge it so; I have known thee a wellwisher to the business.  Par. 
I'd have you to know I am not past my labours.  Owm. 
I wish thee a Hercules to perform twelve upon thee. But, Madam, we baffle opportunity.  Pay. 
Th' Alderman towards five will be in the Grove at Ninepins; but should you fail and prove inconstant.  Owm. 
My word's my reputation, that's my Soul; for what's a faithless man? a walking shadow.  Pay. 
You profess nobly, and if your actions answer expectation you shan't repent the knowledge of my person. Tho I've ancient Man, I want no Money.  Owm. 
And for all other wants let me supply them.  Pay. 
As an earnest of future bounty, accept this.  gives him a Purse. Owm. 
'Tis a younger Brothers glory to serve so generous a Mistress.  Pay. 
Go, Y' are a flatterer; th' Alderman will think me long. But at five, Dear Friend, you'll not let slip the time.  Owm. 
Nature shall sooner lose her youthful Season, and lie confined insensible of warmth within the womb of Winter, than I forget, that blessed hour, that Spring of happiness.  [Exeunt.  

SCENE IU.  The Wells again, where Alderman, Outside, Farendine, Witless, and Quibble are discovered sitting upon a Bench, others walking. Enter Wilding and Courtwit walking very fast. Cour. 
You speak such soft things, I wonder any heart can resist'em:  Wild. 
Dear nimble Soul give me leave to breath, you've run me this hour as if I were taking my heats for a race.  Court. 
You are an able Servant to tire upon a Ladies frolic: Now have I a mind, after all this ramble I have led you, for your further persecution, to make you dance.  Wild. 
Are not you a cruel Lady to tempt a Man to caper, that can scarce stand? but since you provoke me, you shall find me a Tarquin.  Court. 
After the Rape was over, as dull and insignificant.  Wild. 
I'll be judged by the Bench, if y' are not a little too severe to a foundered Servant.  Court. 
No disputing, for I'm resolved to be absolute.  Wild. 
Since there is no resistance.  [Dances. [After the Dance, Enter Owmuch, Paywel, Parrot. Court. 
Here comes Owmuch, 'll'le try his breeding.  Wild. 
Be not so froward, he's engaged, I'll spend the utmost of my strength to serve you.  Court. 
Now I've made you know yourself I can have mercy.  Wild. 
You'll cross your inclination, and I dare venture on a Country dance.  Cour. 
Will your Ladyship please to take a Frisk this morning?  Pay. 
Come Owmuch, I love to shake my legs.  Court. 
Sit not idle, here are Ladies, Gentlemen, would be in motion.  [Farendine, Witless take the Ladies. A Dance Ald. 
Well said Honey! Have a care of heating thyself.  out'ts. 
Enough, enough, this violent exercise exhales all the volatile Spirits by insensible transpiration.  Court. 
Fancying you very weary, I care not if I drop you at your Lodging.  Wild. 
'Tis happiness enough to be disposed by you.  [Exeunt. Ald▪ 
Let's be jogging towards South-borrough, 'tis almost dinnertime.  Pay. 
Dear Bunting I attend you: I shall too much incommode you.  [To Owmuch offering her his hand. Exeunt. Out. 
You're Horsemen Gentlemen, I shall enjoy your Companies.  Far. 
I've business at Rust-Hall.  [Exit. Wit. 
A mere pretence, he'll slip to the Widow.  Quib. 
Slip as he will, the Noose shall sail him.  Wit. 
And you too, unless you hang in your sursingle, [aside.  

My puissant Love must tyrannize her soul,  
I'll govern her, and reign without control;   
By the Soul of Poetry a most stupendious flight.  [Exeunt.   

ACT IU.  
Enter Alinda, Fairlove following. Alind. 
ARe you not extremely audacious to pursue me thus into my Lodgings?  Fair. 
And are not you a strange Lady, first t' invite me, and then to make so slight of my welcome.  Alin. 
I invite you, 't was in my sleep then, for that little knowledge I have had of your conversation waking▪ has been so unpleasant, I can never wish your Company but on Good Fridays, because it is a day of penance.  Fair. 
What a strange deceitful world do we live in? I've been an interpreter of Ladies looks these Ten years▪ and if the languishing glance you gave me, when you took Coach did not plainly say, Fairlove follow me, and see how kind I can be to a person of your merit, I'll ne'er trust observation more.  Alin. 
My eyes were very intelligent to be so soon acquainted with your deserts; But if your Name be Fairelove, I would entreat you to march fairly off: You see the door.  Fair. 
Does it lead t' your Ladyship's Bedchamber?  Alin. 
Yes, yes, through a close Lobby behind the Stairs.  Fair. 
If it be dark, 'twill be difficult to find; I'll stay for my Guide, [Enter Parrot. And if I am not deceived the Devil has sent me one.  Par. 
Madam, my Patroness presents her devoirs to your Ladyship, and desires to know the state of your Paraquetta's health, and whether your pretty Shock has puppied yet?  Alin. 
The poor Creature has been in travel ever since last night.  Fair. 
For want of some of your occupation, Mrs. Parrot.  Par. 
How can your Ladyship suffer the lewdness of that profane fellow? I'd not be seen in's debauched company for a dozen of Christen.  Alin. 
He rudely followed me from the Wells, I can't be quit of him.  Fair. 
I never heard you desire it; but for this Beldame, she is always Bedlam mad, near Midsumer Moon.  Par. 
By the Faith of my Body he's the greatest Debauché in Nature, nor fit to be trusted in a civil woman's company, he would have ravished me; a broom-stick in a Petticoat, could not 'scape him; Madam, there's not a Village within nine miles, but is at charge with his adulterous Offspring.  Fair. 
Tho my breeding has not been so course as t' allow me a vindication in her Billingsgate phrase; I hope your Ladyship will not entertain the worse opinion of me.  Par. 
If she values her reputation she will, for to be seen in thy company, is to be concluded a Wench.  Alin. 
These clamorous reproaches in my Lodgings will not, I'm sure, be much for my reputation; therefore sweet Mrs. Parrot, let me entreat your silence.  Par. 
Command your Bully, Does he think to bear me down, I am not to be oppressed by any man.  Fair. 
I intent no oppression; let me entreat your absence.  Par. 
For aught I know you may debauch the Lady, nay perhaps ravish her, you've intruded into her privacy already.  Fair. 
There's but one way. Give me thy hand, thou'rt as peevish as a sick Judge towards th' end of a long impertinent Cause, thou knowest I love thee.  [gives her Money. Par. 
You are such an insinuating kind of Gentleman, I beg your Ladyships pardon for th' exorbitancy of my Passion, and shall give my Patroness assurances of your good health.  [Exit. Alin. 
Receiving so pious a Character of your good life, I've reason t' invite your stay.  Fair. 
I am not so scrupulous, the first invitation shall serve; unless you peremptorily command my absence I dare not stir.  Alin. 
Your civility might have saved you the labour of coming, and me the trouble of bidding you be gone.  Fair. 
If you find it so difficult to bid me go, consider how vexatious my absence may prove.  Alin. 
Doubtless I should employ all the water-fillers in hunting after you.  Fair. 
But that Ice'm extraordinary good natured, I'd take you at your word, and make my leg.  Alin. 
That would I fain see, for I'm so civil to believe you have learned to dance.  Fair. 
O! I could lead you such a Corant to Church▪  Alin. 
Had I the grace to follow!  Fair. 
You blush as if you were not quite passed it.  Alin. 
Would you had enough to find the door?  Fair. 
Swear first that you will not call me back.  Alin. 
My word may serve sure.  Fair. 
Not now, your eyes have proved so fraudulent, and in most Women, they're less deceitful than the tongue.  Alin. 
Well since it must be so— By all—  Fair. 
Hold! do nothing rashly, swear seriously, an demurely.  Alin. 
You are a pleasant Gentleman: here comes my Brother, you had best tell him I invited you.  Fair. 
Nay, I'll Swear it, for I find you haunt courage to deny it.  Alin. 
Rely upon't.  [Enter Vainman▪ Vain. 
'tis Fairlove, If Owmuch should not have glutinized our Imbroglio.  [he starts back. Alin. 
Nay Brother you may advance, for our discourse might suit the Piazza for its concern, and the Mall for its impertinence.  Fair. 
Madam, I suppose, you speak for your own, since ye aught to have mine in more reverence.  Alin. 
Good forward Sir, it is not come to that yet.  Fair. 
Not to the Maturity you wish Lady.  Vain. 
The ruptures cemented, I may be bold dear▪ Fairlove! I am transcendantly perplexed by the participation of some sinister misapprehensions between us.  Fair. 
I never entertained the least of Sir Lofty.  Vain. 
By the quiddity of my Knighthood, I was as innocent of any intentional injury, or injurious intention, But con licenza, that figure must not laps quotation.  [draws his Book. Fair. 
Your Brother slips no opportunity of improving his observation.  Alin. 
I find little difference between ye; for he silently observes his own follies, and you loudly proclaim yours to render 'em observable to others.  [Enter Owmuch. Owm. 
How! Sir Lofty and Fairlove; I wish my Stratagem to keep 'em at distance beened discovered.  Alin. 
I'm glad this Gentleman comes to my deliverance.  Fair. 
You talk as if you were with Child.  Alin. 
I've been in travail ever since you came.  Fair. 
She means she has been at labour to detain me here.  Alin. 
I suppose you know his way of confidence.  Owm. 
I doubt not but you understand yourselves; and my business lies to Sir Lofty.  Vain. 
Fairlove and I have contracted a reintigration of amity, thou hast performed a Miracle.  Owm. 
Tom can witness how industruously I laboured, but pray a word.  Fair. 
I may connive a wile at his deceit, till I've imprinted on my sister's Soul the knowledge of her happiness, in marrying so Rich a Fop; But he shall then refund, or join his interest to conclude the Match.  Vain. 
Balsamich Fairlove, I petition thy pardon, for I have very ponderous engagements.  Fair. 
You are Master of your own occasions.  Alin. 
Sure Brother you won't leave me abandoned to the discretion of a stranger.  Vain. 
Were you my Mother, I could not recommend you to a Person of more sincere sobriety, or sober sincerity another admirable anti me tabole but time compresses my affair.  [Exit with Owm. Alin. 
My wise Brother as trusted us together.  Fair. 
He knew I ran the greater hazard in trusting myself.  Alin. 
I shall scarce eat you, tho' it be towards dinner time.  Fair. 
Yet your fair eyes devours my peace; your Beauty preys upon my heart continually.  Alin. 
How do you Sir, Are you well?  [Alinda stamps. Fair. 
Well, Madam: y'astonish me.  Alin. 
You spoke so like a Wight in Love, I was afraid you'd sound, and knocked for a Restorative.  Fair. 
You are resolved I find to murder me.  Alin. 
Die not yet, I beseech you, till the World has taken notice you were my Servant: That may advantage me.  Fair. 
I had rather live miserable all my life, than profit a Woman by my death,  Alin. 
Nay, it shall cost you nothing, die when you please, I'll mourn at my own charge, and wear the ruthful Bandore like a Bill upon my forehead, t'inform Mankind that here's a Woman to be let.  Fair. 
By Lease or yearly Rent.  Alin. 
That's as we can agree, perhaps for term of Life.  Fair. 
You're a mad Soul, nothing but age and wedlock can tame you.  Alin. 
When I am hungry especially, therefore I'll to dinner.  [Exit. Fair. 
And because I can digest a good meal better than your unkindness, I'll follow.  [Exit.  

SCENE. II.  Enter Witless, Quibble, Farendine, Crack. Wit. 
Not except my Verses, I'll lampoon her to dishonour.  Crac. 
You misspend your fury; my Lady's not of the Tribe of Helicon, and were you heir apparent to Parnassus, she'd not accept it for a jointure.  Wit. 
Each Acre of that precious Land is worth an Empire.  Crac. 
What's Empire to her? that would be content with a Parish.  Quib. 
Or the tithe of a Parish: Well urged Crack.  Faren. 
She'll be as soon pleased with a tithe Pig.  Wit. 
Or a Pig's tail.  Quib. 
The tip of such a tail's worth all thy rhyming Reams.  Wit. 
Avaunt ignorance, I despise and desert you like two legged Brutes, that have feloniously stolen the Shapes of rational Creatures.  [Exit. Crac. 
There's one blown off in vapour; These I must manage to more profit.  [Aside. Quib. 
Your Lady, I doubt, is no Saint.  Crac. 
Your reason good charitable Vicar.  Quib. 
Because she loves deeds of darkness, and seldom comes to light.  Crac. 
She loves you indeed but too well.  Quib. 
Softly, dear Rogue, Farendine over hears.  Far. 
She wheedles him to give me opportunity to woo the Widow, which these Orators will soon effect; when Gold is no prevailing advocate.  Quib. 
Thy services have been remarkable, and I'll reward them methodically, with a positive mark of my liberality, a comparative mark of thy fidelity, and a Superlative mark of my own gratitude.  [gives her money. Crack. 
You'll observe the time and place.  Quib. 
I'll be as watchful as a famished Cat, that has her Prey in a pound.  [Exit Quibble. Crac. 
'Twas no slight cunning to stave off these Suitors, to give your love and bounty free access.  Faren. 
I thirst to see thy Lady, and present her with my heart, this offering.  [a purse of gold Crac. 
She loves old gold most passionately, but I delay your bliss, I pray walk in.  Far. 
Be faithful and be happy.  [Exeunt  

SCENE III.  Fairlove, Alinda. Fair. 
To make protestations were t'increase your doubts: but rest assured I'll serve you with all the faith becomes a Gentleman; your apprehensions are to me no strangers.  Alin. 
You than must think it worth a Sister's care, t' impede the ruin of an only Brother.  Fair. 
In pity to him, and kindness to my Sister, before I had the honour to know you, I meant to retreive him from that Harpies snares.  Alin. 
Pursue the kind design; I should be proud to have him joined to a Person of her conduct.  Fair. 
Your partial Character seems t'nsinuate a former knowledge of my Sister Courtwit.  Alin. 
I've seen her oft at either Theatre. But could not till last Spring boast her acquaintance, when she was pleased t' oblige my morning walks i'th' Mall with her converse. Fairlove, 't was there she gave me that little, but kind knowledge of your worth, which best justifies my Modesty, in craving thus abruptly your assistance.  Fair. 
The greatest justice you can do my love, Is to believe that I was born to serve you.  [Enter Fop. Fop. 
ne'er stir Madam, you know I'm to lodge next door to the sign of your heart, that is when you consent to be my wedded Mate; But now I think on't, the Devil swallow me if I care a blew-point for your resolve; for your Brother and I have concluded the matter.  Alin. 
Without my privity.  Fop. 
I love you for that, ne'er stir a very impertinent interogation; let your Brother pay your Portion, and I settle a jointure, and then a Fig for your privity,  Alin. 
Y' are not gone I hope so far.  Fop. 
We go hand in hand ne'er stir, I love you for that, when he weds the Widow, I must marry you.  Fair. 
You!  Alin. 
Why are you concerned at such a Butterfly?  Fop. 
Zooks ne'er frown for the business; you may as soon overthrow the new Pyramid as alter me; and if y' have been concerned before me, you shall be concerned altogether, for Timothy Fop— I love you for that ne'er stir.  Alin. 
Why so choleric; pri' thee tell me this Widow's Name.  Fop. 
I love you for that, she hopes to be wiser by me.  Alin. 
I might indeed despair oft.  Fair. 
He makes a secret of a Proclamation; I'll tell you her Name presently.  Fop. 
The Devil barrel me for a shotten herring, if I suffer that, her name is Brag; as I know how to keep a secret; so I scorn that any Man should disclose it before me.  Fair. 
She's on of Owmuches' Decoys, a very jilt.  Alin. 
My fears were too prophetic; what's to be done  Fop. 
Nay you may whisper till your hearts ache, but if I catch you in the censuring walk in Greys-Inn, I'll be even with you ne'er stir, and in th' interim I'll withdraw to contemplate my own merits.  [Exit. Fair. 
Could we but draw my Sister to our party, we soon might frustrate this intended Match?  Alin. 
I blame not her aversion to his follies, yet hope her Charity will feign that love t'attract him for the present, and divert him from this intended treachery.  Fair. 
Your friendship will oblige her to much more, I know the shade she usually frequents, give me the Honour to attend you thither.  Alin. 
Y' are grown too serviceable to me now, to scruple any favour virtue warrants▪  [Exeunt.  

SCENE. IV.  Owmuch, Vainman, Brag, Crack. Owm. 
The Widow's yours, and I'm proud o'th' service; as for this Bond, your kind acknowledgement, take your own time for payment.  Vain. 
Your precipitated favours confound my intellects; come Widow, I hunger to stamp thee a Lady.  Brag. 
You triumph in your Victory, but I bar Sealing till the Man in Black has delivered you up to my use.  Crack. 
If the grove will serve for a Chathedral, Quibble shall exercise that function.  Owm. 
He's a pretender, and will ne'er consent.  Brag. 
Unless I were disguised.  Vain. 
By the rapidity of invention, I apprehend a Night gown with a visor my sister left in my apartment might serve.  Crac. 
Admirably, for I'm to meet the Person by assignation.  Owm. 
You are setting up for a Husband then.  Crac. 
Not there believe me Sir. Madam—  [seems to whisper Brag▪ Brag. 
This Ring, prithee take it, and may it answer thy desires.  Owm. 
Let her engage the Minister, and I'll meet you two hours hence.  Crac. 
Doubt not my working him.  Owm. 
But to assure the business Crack, take Gold, it will work on any Clergy Man in Europe. Give her Ten Guinnys.  Vain. 
Most beatifically imagined; there's Twenty; thou and the Parson shall divide.  Crac. 
In the next close from Bounds you'll see an Oak carved full of Lovers names; Be there in readiness, and leave the rest to me.  Vaen. 
Well, you'll remember.  To Owmuch. Owm. 
I hope t' arrive in time; but should my affairs detain me, you may confide in Crack, she's a Girl of wit, and for the management of this concern much apter than myself.  Vain. 
Come Widow, this Night I'll celebrate the Bacchanalia's of Hymen; and inebriate my Knighthood in the profundities of Venus.  [Exeunt. Crac. 
How the Fool's exalted in imagination; I've lodged i'th' grove a brace from the same Herd,  

And if blind Fortune favour my design,  
The Rascal Dear shall make the fatter mine.   [Exit.   

ACT. V.  
Alinda, Fairlove, Alin. 
YOur Sister's Plot appears most probable to break this match; but she's too obstinate, to gratify my hopes of her Alliance.  Fair. 
Correct, by a compliance to my love, that error in yourself, which you condemn in her.  Alin. 
Happily, I've the same aversion to wits, as she to fools; but here comes your Sister's Engineer.  Enter Wilding in Spanish-habit. Fair. 
Thou'rt habited as if thou dwellest next door to a Playhouse.  Wild. 
This is my City Maskarading suit, my Patent of Intrusion to all meetings.  Fair. 
'Twas happily brought down— where's Courtwit?  Wild. 
In her love dispatches for London, and has immured herself like an Anchorite for that Employ.  Fair. 
I hope you are well instructed.  Wild. 
What Wit or Courage can perform, expect.  Alin. 
I doubt not your capacity, nor Spirit, and hope the piety of my intenions, will bribe Heaven's assistance; I'll not detain you, for it is near the hour chose by my Brother for this fatal Match.  Wild, 
My haste to serve you, shall prevent your wishes.  [Exit. Fair. 
Having proceeded to the rupture of one Marriage, it is but reasonable we should enter upon the Treaty of another.  Alin. 
So it be still in raillery, I'm content.  Fair. 
If we continue to make love in jest, Death may finish the Treaty, ere we conclude the Match.  Alin. 
No matter' we'll leave it like a game at Chess to be played out by our Heir's.  Fair. 
Then I hope you'll be pleased, that we may withdraw and get 'em.  Alin. 
'Tis time for me to do so, when you dare use this bold Language.  [Exit. Fair. 
Nay that frown shall not discourage me; I'd after, though she could arm her eyes with lightning.  [Exit.  

SCENE. II.  Paywell, and Parrot. Pay. 
Would it not torment a Woman of my longing to lose so precious an opportunity?  Par. 
Any Woman in nature, as I hope for benevolence.  Pay. 
Yet business may detain him.  Par. 
I shall have the worse opinion of him, whilst I breath, for failing a Lady in the Heaven of her expectation.  [Enter Owmuch. Owm. 
My haste intended to prevent your love; I hope I have not slipped my time above a quarter.  Par. 
D' you think a quarter's disappointment to a Lady nothing, when I've known many good gifted men rendered uncapable by the bare delusion of a minute.  Owm. 
Prithee silence that unruly morcel, that unmerciful tongue of thine.  Par. 
Y' are a rude, saucy, mallipert, impertinent fellow, to prate thus to a Woman of my occupation.  Pay. 
Good Midwife leave us, and be vigilant in thy office.  Par. 
I'll see him damned first; keep watch for such a Scoundrel.  Owm. 
Will you be a Fool, and spoil all for nothing.  Par. 
No nor an Ass, to keep sentinel for nothing.  Owm. 
Is that it? here, commend me to my friends in Guinney.  [gives her money. Par. 
So you'll commend me to mine in the Lowcountries, I care not if I do.  [Exit. Pay. 
She's a troublesome Old Creature, but very useful.  Owm. 
Having introduced me to the Honour of your acquaintance, I must own her obliging.  Pay. 
I know you Courtly; but Compliments in Love are like long Graces before feasts, they cool the meat, and dull the appetite; we'll be familiar.  Owm. 
Now have I no more power towards this she thing, than if my Breeches had been impoverished in my Youth t' enrich my Voice.  Pay. 
Let me advise you to be very civil, though you press me never so far, consider me a person of Honour.  Owm. 
Rather than risk your displeasure, I'll take my leave.  Pay. 
You misapprehend me.  Owm. 
Hell take your meaning! 'tis but too plain, that lewd Grimace has turned my Stomach— Madam, I'm the most rude debauched fellow in a Lady's Chamber.  Pay. 
Y' have been so civil I dare not credit it; come give me your hand.  Owm. 
'Slife, what an unsatiable fists there? marble against rain is not so moist, nor the sweat of a jew so rank.  [gives his hand and snatches it back Pay. 
I vow y' are such a backward man.  Owm. 
You'll find me an Hercules forward; I must ravish you; for let me perish I am a most unsatiable Creature.  Pay. 
I ne'er met a reasonable Creature, but I was able to give him reasonable satisfaction.  Owm. 
The Devil in Breeches could not scare her; I've ta'en her Money; and something will be expected; well, Madam, since y' are desperate.  Pay. 
O Lord, I vow, what d' you mean, I protest, nay I Swear, I'll cry out, Parrot Parrot.  [Enter Parrot. He pulls her towards the Chamber, she calls softly. Par. 
O Madam th' Alderman, th' Alderman! we're undone.  Pay. 
What cursed fortune's this?  [stamps. Owm. 
Which way shall I avoid him.  Par. 
I'm distracted, he's at the Stair foot.  Pay. 
Into my closet with him quick, I hear him Enter▪  [They lock him up, Enter Alderman. Ald. 
Ah Bunting! I've had the crossest luck, and yet I had the better of the lay, a 100, Pounds to a farthing, the Devil's in that Tipwels fingers and in's horses knees; the Beast was so pliable, and at command, he had little disadvantage in tipping on Horseback; all nine as I live Chuck.  Pay. 
Poor Dear, how thou Sweat'st I was afraid thou hadst been ill Chick.  Ald. 
Ice'm come for more chink Bunting, where's the key of the Closet.  Pay. 
'Slife Man! what's the Matter with your eyes?  Ald. 
Why Bunting? why, what's the matter?  Pay, 
They're as red as my Petticoat. Parrot.  Par. 
Madam.  Pay. 
Fetch the eye water quickly, if you heat yourself, and drink and han't a care, it may grow to a Fistulae.  Ald. 
Indeed law Bunting they burn, and smart extremely, but give me the Key. I'll be back immediately.  Pay. 
The Key's in my other Pocket, but thy eyes are so bloodshot, it grieves my heart to see 'em, some chairs, quickly good Parrot quickly.  Enter Parrot, chairs set, he lies down, and they drop Water in his eyes. Ald. 
I profess the Water's very refreshing.  Pay. 
Be sure you wink hard Chicken, and keep it in. [she steps to the Closet, and le's Owmuch out. Softly as you love me; to morrow Ice'm for London, where let me see you often, in th' interim keep this for my sake  [gives him a jewel. Owm. 
And in exchange receive my heart, and future service.  [Exit. Pay. 
Come honey, how dost find thyself?  Ald. 
Very clear sighted, Bunting, thanks to thy care; but I must back, I profess, I'm deeply engaged, fetch the Key.  [Exeunt.  

SCENE. III.  Enter Crack babited like the Widow. Crac. 
My clothes and Stature favour my design, and by the assistance of this Ring and Visor, I hope to pass for the supposed rich Widow; nor will▪ my Mercer lose by the exchange, since I'm the fresher merchandise o' th' two; and for our Portions, hers is in Fee-tail, and mine in Capite, a nobler Tenure. But here's the Parson; [Enter Courtwit in Quibbles habit. Your Servant Mr. Quibble.  Cour. 
She takes me for the Vicar in disguise; could I but hit upon his quibbling strain, I see I might pass.  Crac. 
I'm confident you take me for the Widow.  Cour. 
Thou'rt cozened, for I'm so taken with thee, I'd only take thee for myself.  Crac. 
The Widow's lodged, thou shalt have her within this hour.  Cour. 
This intrigue I understand not, yet must not let my ignorance betray me.  [Aside. Crac. 
You entertain your happiness but eoldly.  Court. 
I want some marks of gratitude to signalise my bounty.  [Feeling in's pocket. Crac. 
All I desire is, that you marry me gratis.  Cour. 
Marry you, I thought I was to marry the Widow.  Crac. 
Your Wit's so volatile, you must marry me to Farendine.  Cour. 
I conceive you and so I hope you'll do by the Mercer.  Enter Farendine. Crac. 
Here he comes, Mercury thou Favourer of Wiles, assist my love! follow me, and when I stop perform your Office.  [To Courtwit. Faren. 
'Tis she, I know her pettycoat, and size, and, as I live, the Parson following her; the Fool is made a Property to marry her to me, his Rival; She beckons, and I le follow— And wed her with that silence she desires.  Exit Crack. Courtwit, and Farendine following.  

SCENE IU.  Enter Sir Lofty Vainman, Brag, Fop, Wilding in Spanish habit. Vain. 
Challenge my Spouse! I bid defiance to thy diminutive breeches.  Brag. 
He's mad beyond the cure of hellebore.  Wild. 
I'm mad indeed to seek a Runagate, one that forsook me in the heat of Wedlock, the next day after the religious Priest had joined our hands, as love before our hearts.  Brag. 
He'll persuade me I was begot i'th' Moon, born in Aries, are bred in Capricorn, to learn to make Cuckolds: If ever I saw the man before, may I never attain a Ladyship.  Wild. 
Resign my Wife, Sir Lofty, and that quickly, or—  [Laying his hand on his sword. Vain. 
You obliterate yourself and her, she has no cognizance of your Person, and y' appear an Allen to her affection.  Wild. 
I'm not the only Husband labours under that misfortune:  Fop. 
Not of a Million ne'er go, I love you for that.  Brag. 
Where in the name of mischief did I marry thee, and when?  Wild. 
A month since, at Pancras.  Fop. 
The Devil pickle me for a Pilchard, if I know what to think of't.  Brag. 
This is the strangest fixion Hell e'er contrived to cross a Woman's love— Good Sir, a word—  [Whispers Wilding. Vain. 
I'll interrogate him of her appellation, qualification, demeans, and th' Et cetera appurtenances of a Widow, and if he exhibit satisfactory reasons, or reasonable satisfaction.  Wild. 
Well, I confess what I alleged, is false.  Brag. 
Bear witness, you heard him say 'twas false  Wild. 
'Twas you I said were false t' your Nuptial Vow.  Brag. 
Hell has inspired him to my ruin!  Vain. 
Have you any cognizance of her Name?  Wild. 
I married her by th' Name of Barbara Brag.  Fop. 
I love you for that, there may be two of one name.  Wild. 
But not of one face, Mr. Fop.  Fop. 
Does your Donship know me; I'm an East India Elephant, if I don't remember you too; your Name is  Wild. 
Don Roderigo de los Blustrados hectoromanos Bullirockos.  Fop. 
Dear Blustrados, when shall we be drunk again?  Wild. 
Thou 'rt as saucy as a Country Squire with's Mother's Maid; when didst see me drunk? Ha!  Fop. 
Can Pharo and Stichback slip your memory? The Devil swallow me for a quartern of Brandy, if we han't been drunk an hundred times.  Wild. 
Then have I kicked you ninety nine.  [kicks him. Fop. 
Faith and troth I remember nothing of that tho.  Wild. 
I'm satisfied you must, if you remember th' other.  Fop. 
If this be your satisfaction, The Devil keep you company for Timothy Fop—  [Exit. Wild. 
Nay take your Knight, lest he share your calamity.  Vain. 
I hope y' are too intelligent t'imagine a Knight can be kicked.  Wild. 
I beg your pardon, my toes are no Heralds.  Vain. 
Since y' implore my pardon, I can recede— Come Widow  [offering to lead her out. Wild. 
You must pardon me for that too, she's my Wife, therefore unhand her, and vanish without expostulation.  Vain. 
He looks as terribly as a Sea fight.  [he sneaks away. Brag. 
What horrid injury, or strange affront has my too wanton youth, or erring Pride offered your friends or you? thus to provoke your malice or revenge to ruin me.  Wild 
His very being a Gentleman obliges all Men of Honour to endeavor's rescue from your destructive snares.  Brag. 
If he's a stranger to you, let my knees with [Kneels. humble intercession, beg your favour; and you shall share in all th' advantages of profit, or what else I can call mine, by being His.  Wild. 
This Knights committed to my care, and by a person I dare not disoblige.  Brag. 
Then I dare die— help, help, murder, a rape! I'm ravished, I'm ravished.  She pulls a Knife out of her Pocket, Wilding endeavours to hinder her, She lets fall the Knife and lays hold of him. Wild. 
'Sdeath! Who offers y' any violence? Let go my Arms you Whore, or if I get 'em lose, I'll nail thee to the Earth.  Brag. 
Repeat thy stabs till thou hast made my body but one sear, rather than wound my honour, a rape, murder, rape!  Enter Owmuch, Vainman, Fop, and Neighbours. Owm. 
Where's this Villain, this lewd ravisher?  Brag. 
Welcome to my redemption, I've lost my breath, and faint with struggling.  [they disarm Wilding. Owm. 
Sir Lofty pray approach, and comfort her. You are a Spanish Lecher— To justice. Do right with him, you shall be cut for th' Stone, my Termagant, and Rampant Don, you shall.  Wild. 
When thou knowest me, thou'lt repent this usage.  Owm. 
That's more than e'er I did my Sins. What art?  Wild. 
Dismiss your rabble, and I'll tell you.  Owm. 
Now she's retrieved, make sure, and speedy work, I brought the Vicar with me, he's within.  [to Vainman. Fop. 
I love you for that ne'er stir, you'll stay till I run to Bounds for your sister, we are to be married together by contract.  Vain. 
Make expedition then; come relict.  [Exeunt. Vainman Brag, Fop. Owm. 
Neighbours, I thank you for your kind assistance, now he's disarmed I shall be singly able to govern him; [Exeunt▪ neighbours now my Coatamuntain Don, what's thy design, and business here?  Wild. 
To cut thy Throat, unless thou break this Match between Sir Lofty, and thy Strumpet.  Owm. 
Dost know the value of this Throat Castilian? It yearly swallows half a thousand pounds in deep pontac, clear Mant, and Burgundy.  Wild. 
These whiskers off, you cannot choose but know me.  [pulls of's whiskers. Owm. 
I'th' Name of Protheus, why in this disguise?  Wild. 
Fairlove and I are equally engaged to save Sir Lofty from the ravenous jaws of your damned Cockatrice; and if y' affect your safety, you'll assist me in't.  [Offering to go out. Owm. 
You are too quick, your haste ill suits your garb: move but a foot towards the interrupting them, and this shall centre in thy heart.  Wild. 
'Tis base t' insult upon a Man disarmed.  Owm. 
Were you ten thousand friends, you should excuse me; 'd'de not release my share in this Knight's marriage, t'ingross th' amity of all mankind.  Wild. 
Thy base ignoble ways of livelihood beget a general scandal on the name, and garb of Gentleman, they'll grow contemptible, being used by thee.  Owm. 
Thou art too young, and scrupulous a sinner; examine but the Town, and thou wilt find the gayer part, to have as little Landas thou, or I, and yet they keep guilt Coaches, their race and hunting Nags, Lackeys, and Pages▪ and what is more expensive than all these, Misses, whose clothes may vie with Eastern Queens, and Palaces with Cardinals for cost; and canst believe these miracles performed by simple rules of honesty, and honour? Thou art not such a Novice.  Wild. 
I know there are several ways of livelihood, most indirect; but this damned down right cheating I affect not.  Owm. 
Kind Nature gave to every Man his Portion, some in Wit, to others Lands or Moneys, and did contrive us for each others use. And I account it as unreasonable to waste Wits precious talent on a fool without advantage, as to let Lands gratis— My brain's the nobler freehold.  Wild 
This cursed Match will, in Alinda, ruin Fairlove hopes, and forfeit me the kind respects of Courtwit.  Owm. 
Why this is right the World; you do not blame the Match as bad, but as it injures you.  Enter Farendine with Crack Vizarded. Farend. 
Widow, now y' are at home, I hope, you'll show your face, and welcome me.  Owm. 
No more cross plots I hope; what Widow have you there?  Far. 
The Tunbridge Widow Sir, the Widow Brag.  Wild. 
Do the Widows multiply?  Far. 
She may in time, and season; Gentlemen y' are welcome. both; call in the Fiddler, I'll dedicate this Night to mirth and hymen— By your favour she's my Wife, Sir, and I'll have the first kiss— Ha! Crack.  Owmuch endeavours to pull of her Visor Farendine prevents him. Owm. 
This your rich Widow?  Far. 
I'm abused, cheated, gulled, I'll be unmarried, avaunt Sorceress, come not near me.  Crac. 
But I will, my Love, and kiss thee too.  Owm. 
Was that kiss over and above the twenty thousand pounds.  Far. 
Mock not a Man in misery! Damned Quibble, thou knewst what trash thou wedst me to.  Crac. 
I think y' are obliged to him for bestowing the Maid on you, and keeping the grass Widow for himself, nay I'm the better fortune.  Far. 
Thou art indeed much younger, and mayst crown me oftener with the City night cap, if thou call'st that a fortune.  Crac. 
What say you to this security for my good behaviour?  [Gives him a box full of jewels and Gold. Owm. 
That Cabinet's thy Ladies?  Faren. 
But the contents were partly mine before, and to the rest I'll make her prove her title,  

If Cuckold be my fate, yet thus adorned  
I shall be rather envied than scorned.   Crac. 
She gave 'em me to pack for London, meaning to cheat you of your dividend, and I to end disputes, took this occasion to restore to th' Owner, my dear Husband,  Owm. 
Deceitful Wretch!  [Enter Fop, Fairlove, Alinda. Fop. 
Where's Sir Lofty? faith and troth this Gentleman wont let me marry his Sister.  Fair. 
You know it was the Lady's fault not mine.  Enter Vainman, Brag, Courtwit in Quibbles, habit. Fop. 
I love you for that ne'er stir; but here comes Sir Lofty himself; if he'll promise her to one, and bestow her on another, I'll have nothing to do with him or her either.  Wild▪ 
You justly may condemn my negligence, since the success han't answered your desires, and I must suffer in your good opinion till time permit me to recite at large the various sinister accidents, which did obstruct my service.  To Alinda, who must be supposed t' have been inquiring the success of the design. Fop whisper, Vainman. Alin. 
Since he's undone, 'twill but avail me little to know how.  Vain. 
D' you refuse to ratify the parole of Sir Lofty Vainman, your own natural Brother?  Courtwit and Fairlove seem to discourse all this while. Alin. 
Would you'd refuse that common Creature too.  Vain. 
Sister you err, I 've made an enclosure of her, brought her within the pale of Matrimony.  Fop. 
I love you for that, some envious Knave may still pretend a right of common, and make a gap to graze a Nag, or so.  Vain. 
I apprehend no such danger: But this is digressive from my interrogatory; Will you nuptialize our Consanguinity, Timothy Fop?  Fop. 
That's the point ne'er stir, press it home.  Alin. 
Would he had ta'en your place.  Court. 
Let's lose no time in vain congratulations. [To Fairlove. Gain from Alinda, if I free Sir Lofty, a Marriage promise, whilst I and Wilding disgust him with his Bride.  Fair. 
Thou advisest like one of Cupid's Privy Counsellors.  Fairlove goes to Alinda, Courtwit to Wilding, who having whispered go to Vainman. Brag. 
Cheated of gold, and Jewels both!  To Owmuch, who is supposed to have told her. Own. 
Of all, sh' has given 'em Farendine, whom she has made her Husband.  Brag. 
Damned Wretch! yet there's some comfort, the Knight may still be managed to advantage.  Owm. 
Yes, to yours, but how am I assured you'll not deceive me there, as Crack says you designed of the Gold, and Jewels.  Brag. 
You know I Sealed you yesternight a Bond.  Owm. 
Well remembered 'twas for a thousand pounds y' are Married now pray let me have 't in keeping.  Brag. 
You see 'tis in my power to destroy, yet I'll deliver't to your use.  [gives him the Bond. Owm. 
Honest Girl! this is good Money still.  Vain. 
Since you both affirm her Whore, you shall find Sir Lofty hath profundity, I'll affiance her to my Kinsman.  Wild. 
'Twill hardly hold in Law, y' had better bribe the Vicar to Swear he did not marry you.  Vain. 
Most feasible, but let's proceed methodically; surreptitious Spouse.  Brag. 
What says my heart?  Vain. 
This Don avows of's proper cognizance, that thou art much inclinable t' a thing we call an Harlot.  Brag. 
He challenged me for's Wife, and is it probable he'd wed a Whore?  Vain. 
A very fallacious Age, it cannot be supposed.  Fop. 
Faith and troth the wrankest Whore Master in England would be glad of an honest Woman, if he knew where to find her.  Vain. 
It is an intrinsical intrigue, and an apparent Stratagem.  Alin. 
I hope your folly will not still besot you.  Vain. 
D' you suppose I'll give credence t' a Rival?  Alin. 
Lend Faith to Mr. Fairlove, he has known her these seven years past a common Jilt in Town.  Fair. 
Whetstons' Park ne'er held a more debauched one.  Brag. 
What e'er I was, I'm now your Sister, and his Wife.  Alin. 
Mine, I defy thee; be Sister to he Goats, there's nothing that has honesty or Honour, but must abhor thy converse and Alliance.  Fair. 
Y' have made a wondrous happy Match here.  [to Owmuch Owm. 
What I have done Sir, I dare justify.  Brag. 
Let 'em say their worst Sir Lofty, you are not the first that has Married an obliging Lady.  Vain. 
An obliging Lady, Zooks an obliging Lady, what a Lacquer she has found for a Whore? I'd give half my demesnes for an emancipation.  Brag. 
I'll not abate a farthing of a thousand a year annuity for life.  Owm. 
And the present payment of two thousand pounds, due to me by bond, one on your own account, on hers the other.  Vain. 
By the heroic achievements of my Progenitors, it is too unconscienable.  Owm. 
For my part I'll not abate a soulze.  Brag. 
Nor I, I'll force him to maintain me.  Fair. 
Since they're so obstinate, for your fair Sister's sake, I'll release you from this shameful Match on easier terms.  Vain. 
Covenant your Articles, and you shall have Lofty Vainman to the pedestals of the Indenture.  Fair. 
Th' Articles shall be only two, and short ones; first your consent to Marry Alinda, I've hers already, and a thousand pounds for th' party I engage in your release.  Vain. 
I frankly condescend to both.  Fop. 
I love you for that, Alinda's mine.  Vain. 
That's immaterial; a Cavalier may Honourably infringe his parole to be infranchized from an Harlot.  Faren. 
Now your hand's in; be charitable to a quondam Citizen, free me from this Chamber-Utinzel, I'll give you 500 pounds, for which these Jewels shall remain security, Nay, I'll never more pretend to th' qualifications of a Gentleman.  Fair. 
On these conditions, I accept them.  [takes the Cabinet. Brag. 
Quibble's in order certain.  Owm. 
That I'll engage, 'tis impossible he should make good his undertaking.  [Enter Witless, leading Quibble wrapped in a rug. Wit. 
Come Parson, since thou abhorrest Women I'll see thee righted.  Quib. 
Right or wrong, I'll have nothing to do with 'em.  Owm. 
What new Monster have we here?  Quib. 
A certain incumbant upon a Neighbouring Vicarage, you might know me Mrs. Crack, for you have had some marks of my kindness.  Crac. 
What two Parson Quibbles?  Fair. 
No faith, this is a fair Nun, and no black-Frier.  [pulling off her peruk, All. 
How, Madam Courtwit.  Fair. 
The same, she never was in orders; and, I suppose, her Marriage won't stand good in Law.  Brag. 
Baffled on all hands! damned chance!  Owm. 
It would persuade a Novice in Vice to change his Copy, and turn honest.  Crac. 
I hope you'll return th'overplus of the Gold, and Jewels, I'm but a poor Maid.  Faren. 
Not a farthing, when I have paid the 500 pounds, I'll distribute to every Man his own.  Fop. 
ne'er go that's honest, the Gold Watch belongs to me.  Court. 
Here ends our modish Courtship, for I'm so out of love with Wits since mine has proved the best, that I could find in my heart to cast myself away upon a Fool.  Fair. 
A rich one Sister's the more substantial Man, and if Sir Lofty and you can make a Bargain, the 1500 pounds I've got shall be your portion.  Vain. 
I superstitiously embrace the proposition?  Court. 
What, without my approbation?  Vain. 
I know you are too intelligent a Wit to refuse a Knight of 2000 a year.  Court. 
And because I will not forfeit that reputation, here's my hand to the foolish bargain.  Owm. 
I shall expect present payment of the Bond you made to me, though th' other of your quondam Wives proves bad.  Fair. 
How could he contract so great a debt to you.  Vain. 
Let me dissolve like a Cherubin, if he owes me not 200 Guinnies, money lent.  Fop. 
And me an hundred, or I'm a guilt Nutmeg.  Fair. 
What an unconscionable fellow wert thou, was not 300 pounds an handsome purchase: Be satisfied, and give him up the Bond, lest you provoke me t' indite you for a Cheat.  Owm. 
Upon condition they discharge the Guinnies they pretend I owe them; there it is.  [gives up the Bond. Fair. 
I'll engage they shall. For you may fair Trapans I would advise you to pack up your tools, and post for London, and there live penitentially this long Vacation, on Mackarel, and Cucumbers; till Smithfield Pigs increase your commons.  Brag. Crac. 
You are a damned jeering Rogue.  [Exeunt Brag, and Crack. Fair. 
Mr Quibble, my Sister shall return your Cassock, which she stripped you of, when you were drunk; take warning how you fuddle with Footmen; and to morrow you shall have the profit of our Wedding; and you Poet Witless may employ this evening in composing Epithalamiums to be Sung to the Brides in the morning, they may turn to better account than your next Droll.  Fop. 
I love you for this ne'er go; what shall become of me?  Fair. 
Y' had almost scapled my memory; But since I have robbed you of one Wife, the best justice is to help you to another; a Medley of poor Wits and Rich Fools make the best mixture in Nature; and I've a Sister in London at your Service.  Fop. 
The Deel swallow me if I post not to London within this minute to Court her.  Fair. 
'tis now too late to cellebrate our Nuptials, and too early to rectire, a Country Dance may prove perhaps no very unpleasant motion.  Court. 
Come Platonic; let's have a Dance at parting.  Wild. 
My condition is not so desperate as you imagine it, for I can more confidently beg a kindness from a married Woman, because the concession is less to her disadvantage.  Court. 
Did I abound as much in Charity as you in hope, the Knight were in a very dangerous condition.  Wild. 
I care not how little Charity you have, for they say that's extremely cold, give me love.  Court. 
You know not how a Dance may warm it.  [a Dance. Fair. 
Tho th' execution of our first design met very ill success, our obligations are still payable to your good intentions, the projects were both Courtwits, and she resolved to reserve the best t' herself, as an Encomium of her Wit..  [To Wilding. Wild. 
To which I shall submissively subscribe.  Owm. 
And I for ever curse.  Fair. 
'Twere nobler to repent, you plainly see  
No Wit can prosper without honesty.  [Exeunt. 
FINIS.    

EPILOGUE.  
HOw harmlessy we've treated you to day,  
There's not one dangerous Line through all the Play.  
There's no keen biting satire to enrage  
The guilty Consciences of half the Age.  
No mighty Sense to make the Critics jar,  
And set the envious Tribe at mortal War.  
No Lines so rare, intrigues so wondrous witty  
Enough t' adjourn the Wits to a Committee,  
And make the Chairman o'th' Cabal cry, ram him,  
Confound him, sink him, split him, rot him, damn him,  
Down with him for a saucy son of a Whore;  
He must be damned, the Dog shall write no more.  
No, thanks to our safe Author's milder Stars,  
He has no such dangers, no such threatning fears,  
He gives you no occasion for your spite,  
Is no pretender to their fame that Write.  
Then Gentlemen, you may be kind to Night▪  
Yes there indeed, 'tis worth your while to frown,  
'Tis victory to run great Authors down.  
But let  
This Trifle of a Play creep safely under,  
For Gallants 'tis too humble for your Thunder.   

Books newly Printed this Year 1678, and are to be Sold by Henry Rogers at the Sign of the Crown in Westminster-hall.  
SCarrons Comical Romance, or a facetious History of a Company of Stage-players, interwoven with divers curious and choice Novels, rare Adventures, and amorous Intrigues, ●n Fol.  
2. The wonder of the Peak of Derby, commonly called the Devil's Arse of Peak, English and Latin. Oct.  
3. Melpomene or the Muse's delight, being new Poems and Songs Written by several of our Great Wits of the present Age, Oct.  
4. Camera Regis, or the present State of London, Oct.  
5. The Works of Homer; both Odysses and Illiads, translated into English Verse by the famous Thomas Hobbs of Malmsbury, Twelves, together with Mr. Hobbs his Preface about Heroic Poetry, and the life of Homer.  
6. The Memoires and rare Adventures of that Heroic and valorous Lady, Henrietta Sylvia Molierae, now complete in six parts, Written by herself now living in France.  
7. Ten Dialogues of Natural Philosophy, Written by Thomas Hobs of Malmsbury, Oct.  
FINIS.