Curia quasi Incuria  
●●ld by Hen: Marsh. and Ios: Coniers. 〈…〉   frontispiece   

Fragmenta Aulica. OR, COURT AND State Jests IN Noble Drollery.  
TRUE and REAL. Ascertained to their Times, Places and Persons.  
By T. S. Gent.  
London, Printed for H. Marsh at the Prince's Arms in Chancery-lane near Fleetstreet; and Jos. Coniers at the Black-Raven in the long Walk near Christ Church, 1662.   

TO THE COURT.  
WE invite you here to these Fragmenta Aulica pieces of wit and festivity, which make up the whole entertainment of the last seven Reigns of our (and their cotemporary) Princes.  
Some few scraps of these have been published in miscellanies and common prostitutions of vulgar conceits, and like such issues have wanted both name and place, being merely fathered on the credulous Reader; Such princely incognito stories proving mere popular cheats and impostures.  
These false citations are here rectified, the antique Authority of them cleared, being (as by their presumptuous circumstances will appear) truly reduced to their undoubted originals; both History and other tracts of the times having been carefully and examinately considered.  
Being thus assembled & in this train and Equipage, they return to the place from whence they came as the suitablest and fittest for their reception.  
There will be room enough amidst the throng of your business and employment, for their entertainment, and if the Genius of the place be not different from what it was, as Pasquil thinks not, they may perhaps justle out more serious difficulties, and find easier access and attainment: as the air insinuates itself where the other heavier and dull Elements cannot proceed or move of themselves.  
Some have wondered that among all the offices at Court whose vacancies have been supplied, none have taken the reversion of Archee; The publisher therefore of these Joco-seria officiously substitutes himself as to the public. Others offended with the times, and the nature, name, and quality of the place, think the whole collectively taken to be a representative body, of that venerable function, and that there is no want or need of him; these are madmen because they are not as fine fools as formerly.  
But the reason is ascribed to the constant sweetness of his Majesty's temper, which intermits not nor can be interrupted; so that it should need to be pieced by borrowed mirth, the repartees of his own serene thoughts naturally indulging his leisure such satisfaction, beyond the strains of the quickest and facetest invention.  
There are besides many very excellent in this way of Droll who are persons of the highest Honour, that contribute much to this kind of recreation, and 'tis all the unhappiness of these Collections, that they cannot trace nor recover the quickness of those discourses: so that very few modern Jocoes are here inserted: but there is a further reason to be given of it, because the presentness of the time will not suffer them.  
These your disports and trifles we poor mortals admire as Oracles, and conceit our discourse highly improved, if we can draw in one of these stories by the head and ears to embellish and set it off: in earnest they are of as much profit as delight, having a smatch or r●s● of the Humour of 〈…〉 they pas●● 〈…〉 appetent view they are submitted, with a presumption they will not be, even to you, useless and unacceptable.  
Yours T. S.   

COURT AND STATE JESTS. OR, Noble Drollery.  

K. Hen. 8.  
A Company of little Boys were by their Schoolmaster not many years since appointed to Act the play of King Henry the eight and one who had the presence (or the absence rather) as being of a whining voice, puling spirit, consumptive body, was appointed to personate King Henry himself, only because he had the richest , and his Parents the best people of the parish, but when he had spoke his speech rather like a Mouse then a Man, one of his fellow Actors told him; If you speak not HOH with a better spirit and voice, your Parliament will not grant you a Farthing.   

Queen Elizabeth.  
QUeen Elizabeth, a great lover of her Clergy especially of the persons and acquaintance of those of the Prelacy or the next dignities to it, took much delight in, and highly valued the company of one Doctor David Whithead an accurate disputant and a very facetious person of a conscientious bluntness, wherein one handsome clash or reported happened. The Queen one day, who had not the same respects for married Clergy men said unto him Whithead, I love thee the better because thou art unmarried. In truth Madam said he I like you the worse because you are unmarried.   

Henry Cary.  
HEnry Cary Lord Hunsdon something a Kin to Queen Elizabeth Ancestor to the Honourable Houses of Dover and Monmouth, was a stout and great spirited Gentleman very choleric but not malicious and a lover of men of their Hands. Once one Mr. Colt to whom he owed a grudge, met him coming from his House at Hunsdon to London with a Lordly retinue, my Lord gave Colt a box of the ear, Colt presently returned it with interest, thereupon my Lord servants drawing their swords swarmed about him: you Rogues (said the L ●.) may not I and my Neighbour change a blow but you must interpose? so the quarrel began and ended in a moment.   

Lord Treasurer.  
LYonel Lord Cranfeild bred a Merchant in London, who was said to be his Tutor and own university, was especially conversant about the Customhouse which was the seminary of his Fortune, He being made Lord Treasurer by King James, 1612. having married a Kinswoman of the D. of Buckingham thought himself able not only to stand with out, but in some cases against him, which the Duke not enduring, he was outed of his Treasurersship after he had held it four years, and fined to the King in a very great sum.  
How ever losing his Office he saved himself departing from that Office in an Age when it was hard to keep it. Insomuch that one ask what was good to preserve life was answered get to be Lord Treasurer, for they seldom die in their Places, proved to be true for four successions.  
The Office of Lord Treasurer was always beheld as a place of great trust and profit. One well skilled in the perquifit there of being demanded what he conceived the yearly value of the place might be worth made answer, That it might be worth some thousands of pounds to him who after his death would go instantly to heaven, twice as much to him who would go to Purgatory, and No body knows what to him who would adventure to go to Hell.   

Chief Justice.  
THe Chief Justice of the Common Pleas is in place beneath in profit above the Lord chief Justice, for this reason Sir Edward Montague in Henry the eights being demanded the reason of degrading himself from the King's bench to the other chief justiceship answered, I am now an old man and love the Kitchen better than the Hall, the warmest place best suiting with my Age.   

The King's Wardrobe.  
IN the King's Wardrobe is a rich piece of Arras presenting the Sea-sight in 88 which at several audiences of Ambassadors hath been used for magnificence in the banqueting House (as in Cromwel's usurpation) and wherein were wrought the living portraitures of the chiefest Commanders in that service: on a time a Captain who highly prized himself and his valour in that naval fight, coming to Court and missing his picture therein, complained of the injury to his friend professing of himself that he merited a place there as well as some therein remembered for that he was engaged in the middle of the fight. Be content said his friend, thou hast been an old Pirate and art reserved for another hanging.   

A Shoemaker no Gentleman.  
SIr Philip Calthrop a very merry Gentleman of the County of Norfolk being newly come from Court where he had observed the fashion to be upon great days in those times of Henry the seaventh to wear gowns of light coloured cloth, sent to his Tailor in Norwich as much cloth of fine French Tawny as would make him such a vesture. It happened one John Drakes a Shoemaker of some wealth coming into the shop liked it so well that he went & bought of the same as much for himself, enjoining the Tailor to make it exactly after the fashion he made the Knights, who sending for his Gown by his servant, he espied another of the same in the shop and enquiring whose it was, the Master told him, and the order he had for the making it up. This being told sir Philip he sent a new command that the Tailor should cut in his as many holes and slashes as his knife and shears could find place for and so send it him: which he did and accordingly cut the Shoemakers in the very same manner and carried it home, where Prince Crispin began to be wroth but understanding it was the mode that the Knights was made his comb fell saying he would be a Gentleman no more.   

Sir William Clark.  
SIR William Clark a Gentleman much conversant in Court, a great S and acceptable to the Ladies being a man of excellent shape and goodly feature and proportion, was one night at a Masque in Whitball where were present King JAMES and Queen Anne; after a scene or two he having some Office or charge for that night while the stage was free passed over to the other side about some business and with such a stately and strutting pace befitting his present employment, that a Lady known unto him thinking to put a jeer upon him said Sir— pray have a care you hurt not yourself by straddling so wide I wonder what ails you; to whom he he presently and openly retorted, In troth Madam if you had that betwixt your legs which I have it would make you straddle a great deal wider.   

Lord Spencer.  
RObert Lord Spencer Baron of Wormleighton being a Man of a quick and clear spirit, speaking one day in Parliament of the valour of their English Ancestors in defending the Liberties of the Nation, the Earl of Arundel stood up and replied, your Ancestors were keeping of sheep (that Lord and his Predecessors being known for the greatest Sheep-masters in England) when those Liberties were defended. If they were a keeping of sheep returned the other, yours were then in plotting of Treason. This animosity for the present cost both of them a confinement, yet so that afterwards the upper House ordered reparations to this Lord Spencer as first and causelessely provoked.   

Doctor Preston.  
DOctor Preston was the greatest Pupil-monger in England in Man's memory, having sixteen fellow Commoners most Heirs to fair estates admitted in one year in Queen's College, and provided convenient accommodations for them. As William the popular Earl of Nassaw Prince of Aurange was said to have won a subject from the King of Spain to his own party every time he put off his Hat, so it was commonly said in the College that every time Mr. Preston plucked off his Hat to Dr. Davenant the Master, he gained a Chamber or Study for one of his Pupils, among whom one Chambers a Londoner was eminent for his learning. Being afterwards chosen himself Master of Emanuel College, he removed thither with most of his Pupils, and when it was much admired where all these should find lodging in that College which was so full already, one replied, Mr. Preston will carry Chambers along with him.   

Sir Thomas More.  
SIR Thomas More being committed to the Tower for refusing the Oath of Supremacy, being, as in his time it was, the custom, and also to our memory observed, that the Prisoners there were not dieted at their own but the King's charges, the Lieutenant of the Tower providing their food for them: when the said Lieutenant one day said unto him by way of compliment, that he was sorry his Commons were no better, I like said Sir Thomas the diet very well, and if I dislike it, turn me out of Doores.  
A Courtier coming to him, while in restraint, with proffer of mercy from the King if he would comply with his Majesty's will, and take the said Oath, he replied that His mind was now changed, whereupon the Courtier departed, and told the King that Sir Thomas would submit himself to his grace in that matter, which the King willing to accept, gave him order to repair to the Tower again, and receive it in a form under his hand. At his return challening Sir Thomas with his promise, he wondering told him that he meant only by changing his mind, that whereas he had resolved to shave himself before his Execution, he would now let his beard suffer with his head: to the abashment of the man, who so confidently had informed the King of Sir Thomas his conversion.  
The same Sir Thomas during his Chancellorship, had his Lady well attended by a handsome retinue, especially at going to Church, living then in Chelsey, where her Gentleman-usher always after my Lord was out of his seat after Sermon, used to wait upon his Lady, telling her Madam my Lord is gone. It happened that upon this score of the supremacy sir Thomas was put from that dignity, whereupon the next Sunday after as soon as Church was done, (having the week before dismissed most of his servants intending to live privately,) he came to his Lady's Pew himself, and said unto her alone in passing, Madam my Lord is gone, (meaning the Chancellor,) and so walked home before her.   

Sir palavicin Horatio.  
ONe Signior palavicin a Genoese who lived in England a kin to Sir Horatio, boasting of his Nobility and high extraction, as descended from an illustrious House, was thus answered by a blunt Citizen (who from mean Parentage had risen to great wealth, reputation and honour, and so I (saith he) also am come of an illustrious House, where the Sun constantly shone through the rotten walls and roofs thereof.   

My Lord Bacon.  
IT is storied of my Lord Bacon (to his advantage) that when he was Lord Chancellor he had two servants one in all cause's Patron to the Plaintiff (whom charity presumed always injured the other to the Defendant (pitying him as compelled to Law) but taking bribes of both, with this condition to restore the money if the Cause went against them; Their Lord ignorant hereof, always did impartial justice, whilst his two serants making people pay for what was given them, by compact shared the money between them, which in conclusion cost the Master the loss of his Office.   

Dr. Perne.  
DOctor Perne Master of Peter house, and Dean of Ely in Cambridge, this Person was very facetious and excellent at blunt sharp jests, and loved that kind of mirth even so as to be noted for his wit in them. This Dean chanced to call a Clergyman fool (that indeed was little better) who replied that he would complain thereof to the Lord Bishop of Ely. Do saith the Dean when you will, and my Lord Bishop will confirm you.  
Yet was Doctor Perne himself at last heartbroken with a jest being at Court in the time of Queen Elizabeth with Archbishop Whitgift his Pupil; It seems he was noted to have altered his religion with the several reigns of Hen. 8. Ed. 6. Q. Marry, and Queen Elizabeth. It fell out at his being there as aforesaid, the Queen was disposed and resolved that afternoon for all it reigned very hard, to go abroad contrary to the mind of her Ladies on Horseback (Coaches not being then common) who were to attend her. Now one Clod the Queen's Jester was employed by the Courtiers to laugh the Queen out of so inconvenient a journey, which he performed in this manner. Heaven quoth he Madam dissuades you it is cold and wet, and Earth dissuades you it is moist and dirty; Heaven dissuades you, this Heavenly minded man Archbishop Whitgift, and Earth dissuades you, your fool Clod such a lump of clay as myself, And if neither will prevail with You, here is one that is neither Heaven nor Earth, but hangs betwixt both, Doctor Perne, and he also dissuades you: hereat the Queen and the Courtiers laughed hearty, whilst the Doctor withdrew himself to Lambeth, and there died out of mere conceit of this public dictery.   

Queen Elizabeth.  
QUeen Elizabeth was of an undaunted courage, so that once a prime Officer with a white staff (whose name for his honourable Posterities sake shall be passed by) coming into her presence, the Queen willed him to confer such a place now void on one of her Servants whom she commended unto him: Please your Highness' Madam, said the Lord, the disposal hereof pertaineth to me by virtue of this white stasse conferred upon me; True said the Queen, yet I never gave you the office so absolutely, but I still reserved myself of the Quorum; But of the Quarum Madam replied he, presuming on her favour; hereat the Queen in some passion snatching the staff out of his hand You shall acknowledge me, said she, of the Quorum Quarum Quorum, before you have your staff again.   

Wood of Kent.  
NIcholas Wood (I cannot but observe him as a living jest and merriment of the times, though the greatest grief and sorrow to himself imaginable through his Caninus Appetitus or doggish appetite) he was a Landed Man and true Labourer, he would eat provision for twenty men at a meal, a whole Hogg at a sitting and at another time thirty dozen of Pigeons; this by the modern trenchermen, is called playing at a bit, and so is ranked here in that Topick,   

Bishop Bancroft.  
THIS excellent Prelate was very much abused by virulent tongues and pens of the Puritan party, being he that managed the Conference at Hampton-Court so learnedly and acutely; so that as Mithridates their venomous tongues became food to him. Once a Gentleman coming to visit him presented him a libel (lie because false) bell because loud) which he found posted on his door, who nothing moved hereat, Cast it said he to an hundred more which lie here upon a heap in my Chamber.   

A Pike.  
IT is known of what voracity Pikes are, being called the Tyrants of Rivers: Once a Cub-Fox drinking out of the river Arnus in Italy had his head seized on by a mighty Pike, so that neither could free themselves but were ingrapled together, in this contest a young man runs to the water takes them both out alive and carrieth them to the Duke of Florence, whose Palace was near thereunto. The Porter would not admit him without promising of sharing his full half in what the Duke should give him, To which he hopeless otherwise of Entrance condescended, The Duke highly effected with the rarity was on giving him a good reward which the other refused, desiring his Highness would appoint one of his guard to give him a hundred Lashes that so the Porter might have fifty, according to his Composition.   

Apes.  
THere is a sort of Apes in India caught by the Natives thereof in this manner, they dress a little boy in his sight and undress him again leaving all the Child's apparel behind them and then departed a convenient distance: The Ape presently atyreth himself in the same garments till the Child's  become his chains, putting of his feet by putting on his Shoes, as most of our Gallants do, for French fashions leaving the old English manners.   

Lord William Cecil.  
HE was Secretary and Lord Treasurer to Queen Elizabeth for about 30. years together Ancestor of the Earl of Exeter, being Moderator Auleae steering the Court at his pleasure, and whilst the Earl of Leicester would endure no equal, and Sussex no Superior therein, he by sideing with neither served himself with both. Incredible was the kindness which Queen Elizabeth had for him, or rather for herself in him, being sensible that he was so able a Minister of State: coming once to visit him, being sick of the Gourt at Burley house in the Strand, and being much heightened with her head attire, (then in fashion) the Lord's servant who conducted her through the door, May your Highness said he be pleased to stoop; the Queen returned, For your Master's sake I will stoop, but not for the King of Spain.   

Sutton the Founder of that Hospital.  
HE got his Estate by being Paymaster at Berwick under the Queen, and by being thrifty and frugal in that employment, and then turned merchant. He had a merchant his Comrade, with whom he had Company in common, but their charges were several to themselves; when his friend in travel called for two Faggots Mr Sutton called for one, when his friend called for half a Pint of Wine Mr Sutton for a Gill, underspending him a moiety: at last Mr Sutton hearing of his Friend's Death and that he left but fifty thousand pounds' Estate, I thought (said he) he would die no rich Man who made such needless Expenses.   

The King's Champion.  
SIr Robert Dimock being by inheritance the King's Champion at the Coronation of Henry the 7. came on Horseback into Westminster Hall where the King according to custom dined and casting his Gauntlet on the ground challenged any who durst question the King's right to the Crown. King Henry being pleased to dissemble himself a stranger to that Ceremony, demanded of a stander-by what that Knight said, to whom the party returned, He challengeth any man to fight with him who dares deny your Highness to be the lawful King of England. If he will not fight with such a one, said the King, I will.   

Sir Thomas Gresham.  
OSterley House was built by Sir Thomas Gresham (now it is Sir William waller's where Sir Thomas entertained Queen Elizabeth. Being there Her Majesty found fault with the Court of the House as too great, affirming that it would appear more handsome if divided with a wall in the middle: What doth Sir Thomas but in the night time sends for workmen from London who so silently and speedily followed their work that the next morning discovered that Court double which the night had left single before: the Queen was very well pleased, while a Courtier disported her with this quibble, that it was no wonder he could so soon change a building who could build a Change.   

Disputation.  
AT an extraordinary Act of Divinity kept at Cambridge before King James, when Dr. John Davenant was Answerer, and Dr. Richardson amongst others the Oposer; the Question was maintained in the Negative, concerning the excommunication of Kings; Dr. Richardson vigorously pressed the practice of St. Ambrose excommunicating the Emperor Theodosius, insomuch that the King in some passion returned, Truly it was most insolently done by St. Ambrose; to whom Dr. Richardson replied, This is a Majestic answer, and befitting Alexander; this is not to untie but cut the argument.   

Sir John Cuts.  
SIR John Cuts of Cambridg-shire was a most bountiful housekeeper as any of his estate, insomuch that Queen Elizabeth in the beginning of her Reign (whilst yet she had peace with Spain) the sickness being at London, ordered the Spanish Ambassador to this Knight's house; the Ambassador coming thither and understanding his name to be John Cuts, conceived himself disparaged to be sent to one of so short a name, the Spanish Gentlemen generally having voluminous names helped and stuffed out with Titles, usually adding the place of their habitation for the elongation thereof. But soon after that the Don found that what the Knight lacked in length of name, he made up in the largeness of his entertainment.   

The Countess of Shrewsbury.  
Marry Queen of Scots, Mother of King James, being committed to the keeping of George Earl of Shrewsbury, who had married a Lady of a notable, pregnant and undaunted spirit, the custody of so great a Princess on the Earl's cost, was quickly by her found to be chargeable, and which was worse dangerous, the Papists of the kingdom daily practising her enlargement; it happened this Countess coming to the Court, Queen Elizabeth demanded of her how the Queen of Scots did, Madam said she, she cannot do ill while she is with my Husband, and I begin to grow jealous they are so great together. Whereupon the Queen who liked not any familiarity of that royal Prisoner with so great and potent a Peer, ordered her removal thence into the custody of others.   

Sir Arthur Chichester.  
SIR Arthur Chichester once Lord Deputy of Ireland, being recalled thence, was sent Ambassador to the Emperor by King James, about that labour in vain of the Palatinate, returning thence the place where he was, the City of Maynchin, was besieged by Count Tilly the Emperor's General, to whom my Lord Chichester sent word that it was against the Law of Nations to besiege an Ambassador, Tilly replied, That he took no notice he was an Ambassador, the other rejoined by the Messenger, Had my Master sent me with as many hundred men as he hath sent me on fruitless messages hither, your General should have known that I had been as well a Soldier as an Ambassador.   

Thomas Stukely.  
THomas Stukely the famous Glorioso was a younger Brother of an ancient, wealthy and worshipful Family near Ilfracombe in the County of Devon, having prodigally misspent his Patrimony, he entered on several projects, which centred in a design and persuasion of his being a Prince. In this he was so confident, that be blushed not to tell Queen Elizabeth that he preferred rather to he Sovereign of a Molehill, then to be the highest Subject to the greatest King in Christendom, adding moreover, that he was assured he should be a Prince before his death. I hope (said Queen Elizabeth) I shall hear from you when you are stated in your principality, I will write unto you quoth Stukely, In what language said the Queen? He returned in the stile of Princes, To our dear Sister.   

Earl of Oxford.  
HEnry Vere the seventeenth of that name Earl of Oxford, and the last Lord Chamberlain of England of his Family, whose sturdy nature would not bow to Court Compliments, but maintain what he spoke, came one day to the Court with a great milk white Feather about his Hat, which was then somewhat unusual, save that a person of his merit might make a fashion; a Lord an Enemy to his Family, and one whose ancestors were blemished, said in a way of jeer to him, My Lord you wear a very fair Feather; It is true, said the Earl, and if you mark it, there's ne'er a Taint in it. Indeed that Noble Family deserve their Motto, Vero nil verius.   

A By't.  
TWO gentlemen's Servants falling out, one belonging to a Courtier of great place, another to a Country Esquire, fell at last to vie the nobleness of their Masters and their superiority; saith the one, My master spends more in Mustard than thine in Beef, whereunto the other returned, The more saucy men his Followers.   

Mr. Richard Hackluit.  
Mr. Richard Hackluit a very memorable person, who writ that book of the English Voyages so useful for all Seamen, for which he deserves well of this Nation; dying, left a very fair Estate to an unthrift Son, who embezilled it all away in a shameless manner, vaunting that be had cheated the covetous Usurer who had given him spick and span new money for the old land of his great great Grandfather.   

Beggar's Bush.  
THere is a place called Beggars Bush in Huntingtonshire grown into a Proverb, This is the way to Beggar's Bush; it happened that King James being in progress in those parts with Sir Francis Bacon the Lord Chancellor, having heard that morning that my Lord had prodigiously rewarded a mean man for a small present, Sir Francis, said he, You will quickly come to Beggar's Bush, and I may even go along with you if both be so bountiful.   

Name.  
ONE immoderately boasted that there was not any of his name in all England, and yet he was a Gentleman; to whom one in the company returned, I am sorry Sir you have never a good man of your name.   

Sir Walter Raleigh.  
SIR Walter Raleigh's first admittance to Queen Elizabeth's favour, was from this occasion; he was one day at Court, after his coming out of Ireland, in a very good habit (his  were then a considerable part of his Estate) and there found the Queen walking, till meeting with a plashy place, the Queen scrupled to go therein; presently Raleigh cast and spread his new Plush Cloak on the ground, whereon the Queen trod gently, rewarding him afterwards with many suits for so free a tender of so fair a foot cloth; after he had attained her open favour he found many enemies (which worth never wanteth at Court) besides cowardly detractions, of whom Sir Walter was wont to say, If any man accuseth me to my face I will answer him with my mouth, but my tail is good enough to return an answer to such who traduce me behind my back.   

An Italian Humour.  
LET him that will be happy for a day go to the barber, for a week marry a wife, for a month buy him a new horse, for a year build him a new house, for all his life time be an honest man.   

Law Suit.  
A Lady would traverse a Suit of Law against the will of her husband who was contended to buy his quiet (I forbear the names both of them and the judge because so lately done and it becomes not the persons) by giving her her will therein though otherwise persuaded in his conscience the cause would go against her.  
The Lady dwelling in the shire Town invited the judge to dinner (& though thrifty enough of herself) treated him with very sumptuous entertainment. Dinner being done the judge returned to the bench where the cause being called, the judge gave it clearly against her. And when afterwards in passion she vowed never to invite judge again: Nay wife said he vow never to invite a just judge any more.   

Sir Francis Cheyney.  
SIr Francis Cheyney made by Queen Elizabeth Baron of Tuddington in Bedfordshire of a very ancient noble family and as great and large demesnes & Patrimony, was in his youth very wild and venturous, so that on a time he played at dice in his travels in the quality of an English Peer with Henry the second of France, from whom he won a Diamond of great worth at a cast; whereupon being demanded by the King what shift he would have made to repair himself in case he had lost the cast: I have replied my Lord, in an hyperbolical bravery, Sheep's Tails enough in Kent with their wool to buy a better Diamond than this.   

Earl of Carnarvan.  
THe Earl of Carnarvan who so valiantly and resolutly witnessed his Loyalty in several fights for King Cbarles the first of blessed memory who gave him his Honour, was mortally wounded at the first Battle of Newberry: in his agony of death, he was desired by a Lord to acquaint him what suit he would have to his Majesty in his behalf, the said Lord promising to discharge his trust in presenting his request and assuring him that his Majesty would be willing to gratify his desire to the utmost of his power. To whom the Earl replied, I will not die with any suit in my mouth to any King save to the King of Heaven.   

Ship Money.  
THe beginning of our late unnatural broils, was among other causes inputed chiefly to the imposition of Ship-money, for which Mr Hambden was condemned in the Exchequer in a penal Sume by the consent of ten of the judges, who gave their opinion that that Tax was legal, only Judge Hutton and Judge Crook declared against it, so that a stop was put to the levying of it, whereupon a Countryman no friend to the prerogative said wittily. The King may get Ship-money by Hooke but not by Crook. but since that time other Taxes ten times heavyer have been taken from us by Hook and Crook together.   

Coat of Arms.  
IT is the rule general in Arms that the plainer the ancienter, and so consequently the more Honourable, to this purpose a memorable Gentleman, the beginning of whose Gentry might easily be remembered for its late rise, was mocking at the plain coat of an ancient Esquire, to whom the Esquire returned I must be fain to wear the Coat which my Great, great, great, great, grandfather left me. But had I had the happiness to have bought one as you did, it should have been guarded after the newest Fashion.   

Extraction.  
IT happened in the reign of King James, when Henry Earl of Huntingdon was Lord Lieutenant of Leicestershire, that a Labourers son in that County was pressed into the Wars being to go over with Count Mansfeild into Germany. The old man at Leicester requested his Son might be discharged as being the only staff of his age who by his industry maintained him and his mother. The Earl demanded his name, which the man for a long time was loath to tell (as suspecting it a fault for a poor man to confess so proud a truth) at last he told his name was Hastings, Cousin Hastings said the Earl we cannot all be top branches of the same Tree though we all spring from the same Root. your Son my Kinsman shall not be pressed.   

Compliment.  
A Gentleman a Courtier and who had potent recommendations from King James to a Lady of Quality and Honour, to set off his Suit with the greatest splendour, came always attended with a large retinue, one whereof was to be near his Person, now they were only hired for that day and so dismissed at night when he came from his wooing. This was observed by the Lady. One night therefore taing leave of her at the stair foot where his man attended him he proffered to salute her as the good-night civility, to which Spare your Compliment said she for probably I shall shortly see you again, but let me I pray you salute your servant whom I shall never see again.   

King James.  
KING James first coined his 22. shillings piece of Gold called Jacobusses where on his head he wore a Crown, after that he coined his 20. shillings and wore the Laurel in stead of the Crown, upon which mutation Ben. Johnson said pleasantly. That Poets being always poor Bays were rather the Emblem of Wit than wealth since King James no sooner began to wear them, but he fell two shillings in the pound in public valuation.   

Bishops.  
SOon after those tumults and clamours at Westminster when thereby Bishops were outed illegally from their places in the House of Lords, the assembly then sitting at the Deans House of Westminster, a reverend Bishop died, and was buried (as otherwise it could not be obtained) by Mr Herle the Precedent of that Assembly, who the next day meeting with a friend of his of the Episcopal persuasion, said unto him somewhat insultingly, last night I buried a Bishop, dashing more at his profession then person, to whom the other returned with a like latitude to both, sure you buried him in hop of Resurrection. And this as to the sacred Function and order we see performed.   

Goats.  
IT is known that Goats are the principal brood of Wales and of great bigness and are the best food where sheep cannot be had: during the restraint of Queen Elizabeth by her Sister Queen Mary in the Custody of Sir Henry Benefeild, so that none were admitted access unto her, a Goat was espied by a merry fellow (one of her Warders) to be walking alone with her, where upon taking the goat on his shoulders he in all hast hurried him to Sir Harry. I pray (said he) examine this fellow whom I found walking with her Grace, but what talk they had I know not, not understanding his Language, he seems to me a stranger, and I believe a Welshman by his freeze Coat.   

Another.  
THomas ap William, ap Thomas, ap Richard, ap Howell, ap Evan, ap Vaughan, etc. Esquire being born of Worshipful parentage at Moston in this County was empanelled of a Jury by the aforesaid Names in the reign of King Henry the Eight, whereupon by the advice of the Judge his name was contracted (he consenting to it) into Moston the place of his Nativity and ancient Inheritance. This leading case was a precedent to the practice of other Gentrey in Wales who leaving their Pedigrees at Home carry only one Surname abroad with them, whereby much time especially in winter, when the days are short, is gained for better employment.   

Bishop of Gloucester.  
DOctor Goodman Bishop Gloucester in the reign of King Charles the first when he died declared himself by his will a Roman Catholic, an intimation whereof he gave at the convocation in 1640. where he refused to subscribe the Canons and was therefore and for other Erroneous opinions inprisoned by his Brother Prelates; was wont to say, complaining of our first Reformers, that Bishop Ridley was a very odd Man, to whom one presently returned; He was indeed an odd Man my Lord, for all the Popish party in England could not match him with his equal in learning and Religion.   

The King's Porter.  
WIlliam Evans Porter to King Charles the first was a Welshman of Monmouthshire and may justly be accounted a Giant for his stature, being full 2. yards and a half in height. He succeeded Walter Parsons, (who would take two of the biggest of the Guard under each arm as a liver and gizzard and so carry them) & exceeded him 2. inches in Height, but far beneath him in an equal proportion of body, for he was not only what the Latins call Compernis, knocking his knees together and going out squalling with his feet, but also bandylegd a little, yet he made a shift to dance at an Antimasque in Court, where he drew little Jeffery out of his pocket, first to the wonder then to the laughter of the Beholders.   

Parson Bull.  
UPON the happy and most auspicious restauration of our Sovereign to his Kingdoms one Parson Bull a Minister, who had as loyally as learnedly maintained and asserted his Majesty's cause, had a benefice of some value conferred on him by the King's gift, but before his Patent could be sealed, the Lord Chancellor upon some presentation had disposed it, or some way it happened that he was hindered so that the Parson had spent all his money in town in attending of it; One day therefore seeing his money grew short he put his hand in his pocket and finding nothing there but the Kings Grant with his hand to it, he went confidently to his Majesty and told Him that he had lost all the money, out of his pocket and found none but his Majesty's hand therein; at which the King smiled and asked him if his business was not dispatched, he replied no, Thereupon he was expressly recommended to the Chancellor for expedition of his Patent who at his address understanding him to be a wit, said unto him, pray what's your name; Bull said the Parson, where are then your Horns said my Lord? if it please your Lordship replied he, the Horns always go with the Hide.   

Lord Goring.  
GEorge Earl of Norwich Lord Goring being sentenced by the High Court of justice, for that same crime of Loyalty with the ever Honourable Lord Capell for their most noble defence of the Town Colchester in 1648. was at the point of death by the potent intercession of the Spanish Ambassador reprieved from Execution which Duke Hambleton Earl of Holland and Lord Capell deplorably suffered. This Earl being visited after this reprieve and asked, how he did? answered I had thought to have pulled off my Doublet, but now I have leisure to Hook up my Breeches.   

A Gentleman.  
A Gentleman coming to Court, as he was lighting out of his Coach, asked a Page or Lackey that retained to some Person therein, very hastily what a Clock it was? to whom the lad said, Sir what will you give me then. The Gentleman wondering at the boy asked him what he meant by it. Sir (saith he) I would not have you mistake yourself. We Courtiers do nothing without money.   

Sir Henry Martin.  
SIR Henry Martin Father to the unfortunate Harry Martin (a criminal in the horrid murder of the King) was a very fine Gentleman, and a very learned Person. By King James he was worthily advanced in the sphere of his study the civil Laws, wherein he was very eminent, to be Judge of the Prerogative for Probate of Wills, and also of the admiralty in Cases concerning foreign traffic, so that as King James used to say pleasantly, That he (Sir Henry) was a mighty Monarch in his jurisdiction over Land and Sea, the living and the dead.   

Boots.  
WHen Doctor John Gostin was last Vice Chancellor of Cambridge being Master of Caius College and an excellent Physician, it was highly penal for any Scholar to appear in Boots, it being not thought civil. Now a Scholar undertook for a small wager much beneath the penalty to address himself booted to the vice Chancellor, which was thought a dangerous presumption, so carrying an Urinal in his hand, he craved his advice for a cure of an hereditary numbness in his Legs, which he was fain to keep thus warm. The Doctor pitied him, and dismissed him with a remedy to boot with his wager.   

Sir Gilbert Talbot.  
SIR Gilbert Talbot being made Governor of Calis by King Henry the eight upon some advice or suspicion that the French had some sudden design upon the place by surprisal, was commanded peremptorily that presently and carefully he should look to his charge and fortify the Town, to whom sir Gilbert replied, (being unprovided of necessaries) as briefly as bluntly, That without money he could neither fortify nor fiftify.   

Sir Robert Naunton.  
ONE Master Wiemark a wealthy Man, a great Newes-monger, and constant Paul's walker, hearing the news that day of the beheading of Sir Walter Raleigh, His head (said he) would do very well on the shoulders of Sir Robert Naunton then Secretary of State to King James; These words were complained of, and Wiemark summoned to the Privy Council, where he pleaded for himself, that he intended no disrespect to Master Secretary, whose known worth was above all detraction. Only he spoke in reference to an old proverb, Two heads are better than one. And so for the present he was dismissed. Not long after when rich men were called on for a Contribution for St. Paul's, Wiemark at the Council Table subscribed a hundred pound, when Mr Secretary told Him two Hundred was better then one, which betwixt Fear and Charity Wiemark was fain to subscribe.   

A Learned Maid.  
A Certain learned Maid being presented to King James as a mirror of her Sex, for her skill in Languages, Hebrew, Greek, and Latin, besides the French, etc. which she could perfectly write and speak. The King without any wonderment, asked of her introducers, if she could spin? and some waggish Courtiers answered, If it please your Majesty, she is at age to choose what occupation she pleaseth.   

Bishoprics.  
JOHN WATSON Deane of Winchester, being informed that the Bishopric thereof being vacant would be conferred on him, came to the Earl of Leicester the great Favourite, and privately promised him two hundred pounds that he might not be made Bishop of Winchester but remain in his present Condition. The Bishopric being void and the Queen expressing her intention to confer it on Watson, the said Earl requested the Contrary, and would have used arguments against his Nomination, but that not serving he was forced to tell the Queen that he had promised two hundred pounds to him to keep him from that dignity, and it would be so much out of his way. Nay then said the Queen Watson shall have it, he being more worthy to have it who will give two hundred pounds to decline it then he that will give 2000 P. to attain it.   

Marston Moor.  
ON that fatal day to the Royal cause, the Lord Goring in the beginning of the Battle, which was about 3. a Clock in the afternoon July 2. 1644, having with great valour and courage routed the left wing of the Parliament Army, wherein the Scots were placed under Lashley their General, who upon the rout fled a Yorkshire mile and weabit, the lord Diddup a Scotch Baron lately made therein happened to be killed; when the account of the battle was given to the king he came to be mentioned, as a balance to my Lord Carry eldest son of the Earl of Monmouth slain on the King's side. At the naming of which Scotch Lord his Majesty said That he hardly remembered that he had such a Lord in Scotland, to which one returned That the Lord had wholly forgotten that he had such a King in England.   

Wales.  
A Right worshipful Knight in Wales who had a fair Estate therein, his rents arising from much barren ground, heard an Englishman, perhaps out of much opposition, to brag, that he had in England so much ground worth forty shillings an Acre, you said he have ten yards of Velvet, and I have tenscore yards of Freeze, I will not Exchange with you.   

A Welsh Gentleman.  
KING James riding late home from Theobalds' to Whitehall, it happened that in the mid way it fell a raining very hard, whereupon the King who before kept a due pace befitting his Majesty, commanded his retinue and the Gentlemen near Him to put on and make what speed they could. Among the rest there was present a Welshman a retainer to the Earl of Pembroke, but newly admitted to some Office and attendance on him, who by the trick or slighting of the Groom had a very ill Horse put upon him. Assoon as the word was given, from the King the Train flew with swiftness and the King with them: The Welshman he spurred and fluttered with his legs to keep pace with him and with much bustle headed the party near the King's Person where he fell a belabouring his Horse as if he were mad, the King hearing the stir he made, demanded who it was and what was the matter, who replied, an't please Her Majesty Her is as good a Gentleman as the best of them, but Her  cannot travel so fast.   

Lord Bacon.  
A Parliament being called in the year 1621. Francis Bacon Lord Chancellor was outed his office for bribery, the frequent receiving whereof by him or his was plainly proved, yet for all this his taking just and unjust he was exceeding poor and much indebted, wherefore when motion was made in the House of Commons of fineing him some thousand of pounds, Sir F. S. a noble Member standing up desired that for two reasons his Fine might be mitigated into forty shillings, First because that would be paid, whereas a greater sum would only make a noise and never be paid, secondly the shame would be the greater, when such his prodigality, that he who had been so large a taker in offices was reduced to such penury that forty shillings should be conceived a sufficient Fine for his Estate. So that what he got by the trials at Bar as Attorney, he lost by the trials at Bar as Chancellor.   

Another.  
THE same Sir Francis having once invited Queen Elizabeth to his Manor of Gorhambury a pleasant seat, now in the possession of the Honourable Sir Harbotle Grimston Master of the Rolls; the Queen was much taken with the situation, contrivance and beauty of the Fabric, but as her constant custom was to be a Critic in Architecture, told Sir Francis that the House had but one fault, it was too little, to which Sir Francis replied Madam that is not the Houses fault, but yours who have made me the Master too great for it.   

K. Hen. 8.  
KING Henry being a hunting came to the Abbot of Readins House to dinner (to whom soon after he had little or rather a big stomach) and found a Sirloin of Beef, than so named by the King ready for dinner the Abbot not knowing who he was, not guessing it by his small retinue, bid him welcome and set the Beef before him, On which the King fed hearty, while the Abbot, no niggard or unhospitable Priest merryly smiled to see him lay no so, saying in a jest Sir I would give a hundred pounds I had as good a stomach, and could feed so, but my appetite is quite lost: say you so thought the King, & having thanked the Abbot departed; A week after he sends a Pursuivant to bring the Abbot up to the Council Table, by whom without further examination he was committed to the Tower where the King had given express order that he should be kept with a very spare diet, and no relief admitted besides; this diet soon brought up the Gentleman's stomach, so that he could be glad to have had a suffolk cheese and a twelfpeny loaf set before him: being in this way to his cure, the King appointed a Sirloin to be made ready, and came and dined with him, where the Abbot taking him for a friendly visitant upon the mending of his commons fed lustily. Lo saith the King am not I a good Doctor, your Physic shall cost you but 50. pounds for your Fees, the other half you shall keep, and if ever you fall into the same disease, pray send for me. And so gave him his liberty.   

Evesham Bridge.  
DUring our late unnatural War, this Evesham was made a Garrison by the King, and Colonel William Leg Governor thereof, stormed afterwards by Colonel Massey with much bravery and as well maintained. It happened in that Town one of the Garrison Horsemen going over the Bridge while the Town was in a hurry, his Horse startled, took a freak, and leapt with his rider from off the Bridge into the River, being a dangerous fall, but coming plump down Horse and Man over head and ears, swom out safely to the shore. The Gentleman spurs him up, and brings him to the same place of the Bridge again. Quoth he you did it with a vengeance before for your own pleasure, you shall leap it again now for mine, and so spurred him over, and it pleased God they both came safe out again to the astonishment of the spectators.   

Organs.  
A Gentleman would needs invite a Lady to see the order and beauty of the King's Chapel, and one day waited upon her thither: just as they came to the Door to enter, the Organs went, he takes her in his hand to press through, no indeed Sir, saith she, (holding back) I pray excuse me, I do assure you I cannot dance.   

Queen Marry.  
GReat hopes there were by the Papists that Queen Mary was with Child, nor did she think other of herself, so that by Whitsuntide it was expected she should be brought a bed; many Processions and set prayers to the purpose were used, & a solemn thanksgiving for her inpregnation: the time of her delivery thus Calculated, near thereabouts a Rumour was presently spread, that the Queen was delivered of a hopeful Prince, whereupon many bonfires were made in London with ringing of Bells and such like expressions of joy, and the like solemnities were used soon after by the English at Antwerp. In all which as there seemed a spice of madness, yet none was altogether so wild as the Curate of St Ann's near Aldersgate, who took upon him after the end of the procession to describe the proportion of the Child, how fair how beautiful and a great Prince it was, adding The like whereof had never been seen.   

Disputation.  
AT the disputation at Oxford in Q. Mary's Times between the Papists & Doctor Arch Bishop Cranmer, Bishop Ridley and Latimer, then disputing for their lives, Doctor Weston the Prolocutor opened the business in hand with this preface (you must know that Transubstantiation was the thing to be maintained by the Romanists) ye are assembled hither brethren this day to confound that detestable Heresy of the verity of the body of Christ in the Sacrament: this occasioned no small shame in some, more laughter in others which was heightened by as bad a solecism in his behaviour, for during the whole time of the coutroversy he had always a cup of Wine or other good liquor standing by him: when a cogent argument for their side which he well liked was urged, having the cup in his hand he cried out, follow this, insist upon this, this makes for us, which was spoken too, in as bad Latin as manners.   

Lord Hunsdon.  
SIR Henry Carry of whom before was a great favourite of Queen Elizabeth's, and who did her good service, of which she was no heedless regarder in any of her subjects: It is reported of him as chief part of his Character that his Latin and his dissimulation and Courtship were alike false. He was designed Earl of Wilishire but the Queen for some reasons delayed the investiture: falling dangerously sick, to comfort and revive him she then caused the Earl's robes and the Patent to be brought to his bed side and there would have created him: No Madam said the stout Lord, you thought me not worthy of them while I was living, and I think myself unworthy of them, now I am a dying.   

King Philip.  
Charles' the 5. having resigned all his hereditary Crowns and Dominions except the Empire of Germany to King Philip the second his son, who was by the marriage with Queen Mary the potentest Prince in Europe, betook himself to a retired life in the Monastery of St Justus, having then scarce attained to the 55. year of his life to the great admiration of all the World. After which act he found himself so abandoned by all his followers, that sitting up late at night in conference with Seldius his Brother's Ambassador, he had not a servant within call to light the Gentlemen down stairs, whereupon the Emperor took the candle into his own hands, and would needs in his own person perform that office, and having brought him to the top of the stairs, said unto him, Remember Seldius that thou hast known the Emperor Charles whom thou hast seen in the head of so many Armies reduced to so low a state as to perform the office of an ordinary servant to his Brother's Minster.   

Term.  
IN the 5. of Queen Mary 1558, there was such a thin Term that there was but one Lawyer in the King's Bench Mr Foster, and one Sergeant Mr Bouloise at the Common Pleas, both having little more to do then to look about them, and the Judges not more to do then the Lawyers had; who in the quiet times were much increased, as may be gathered from the words of Heiwood the old Epigrammatist, and one much made of by this Queen, who being told of the great number of them, and that the multitude of them would impoverish the whole profession, made answer, No; for that always the more Spaniels there were in the field, the more was the Game.   

Stump the Clothier.  
KIng Henry the Eight hunting near Malmsborough in the County of Wiltshire (where this Tho. Stump dwelled) in Bredon Forrest came with all his Court Train unexpected to this Clothier, being a Man of great wealth and the greatest Trade of clothing in England. But great Housekeepers are as seldom surprised with guests as vigilant Captains with enemies; for Stump hearing thereof, commands his little Army of Workmen, which he fed daily in his House, to fast one meal until night, (which they might easily do without endangering their health) and with the same provision gave the King and his Court Train, (though not so delicious and various) most wholesome and plentiful entertainment.   

Sir Thomas Wyat.  
SIR Thomas Wyatt engaging in that Rebellion of Henry Grace Duke of Suffolk, against Queen Mary upon pretence of her matching with a foreign Popish Prince, being suspected thereof by the Queen was warned from her, by a Herald at Arms sent to him, to desist from further intelligence or commotion in that business on his allegiance, and the penalties of Treason and Rebellion.  
The Herald coming to Sir Thomas his House in Kent with his Coat Armour on his back, found it to be moated round, and the draw Bridge drawn up; whereupon espying a Man walking on the other side, he called to him; told him the haste of his business, and enquiring whether there was no passing over, nor shallows in the place: The Man replied yes, he might go over there; The Herald attempting it, was soused over head and ears, and his life endangered, but recovering the bank he alighted from his Horse, and with great fury and anger came storming into the House (missing of his guide) and complained of the affront done him, and more to his Mistress the Queen who sent him. Sir Thomas hearing of it protested his ignorance and innocence, declaring that whosoever he should name of his servants that did it should suffer what punishment he would inflict: All of them being then called before him, he espied the fellow, that's a Madman said Sir Thomas, sirrah said the Herald, why did you serve me so? did not you tell me I might pass well enough over the Moat; yea, said the other, for but just before you our Ducks that have shorter feet than your Horse passed to and fro without any danger.   

King Henry the Eight.  
KIng Henry the Eight, when he dissolved the Monasteries and Abbeys and other religious Houses, had a Parliament chosen for his purpose, the old Men out of tenaciousness to the old Religion and Clergy declining their Election, in whose rooms a great many young Men who had their Religion to learn from their profit and advancement, were substituted in their places who carried the vote of the Country. These Men did the King's business and devolved all those great possessions and revenues of the Church into his hands: some discourse being muttered about the rawness of such Councillors, and it being told the King by some of his privadoes what the people said of them, viz. That the House of Commons had few or no Beards. No matter, said the King, they shall sit there while they have.   

King James a Hunting.  
KING James with some of his Nobles having lost their way in a Forest in the pursuit of a Deer, came at last a hungry to the side of the same Forest where they espied a little House; thither hied the King and demanded first what victuals in the House, then with some comfortable leisure the way; the good wife sets before the King a good piece of powdered Beef and a bag pudding, the King and his Followers fell to eat hearty, & having contented his hostess rid away: by the road side at some distance, a boy presents himself scraping with his legs, bareheaded, whereon was a thick scald: sirrah said the Lords, cover your head, have you never a cap? where do you dwell? In yonder cottage an't please you, (pointing to the place where the King dined) I had a Cap yesterday, but to day my mother made use of it for a pudding bag; Quoth the King it did me no harm in the eating, it shall do me less in thinking of it; come put on, and let us jog it down, but it stirred the stomaches of his Train.   

Sir Henry Rush.  
SIR Henry Rush in Queen Elizabeth's time had by his great expenses very much impaired his estate almost to the annihilation of it, He had a Son grown to years and discretion, who seeing how the World went with his Father, applied himself close to the study of the Law, and became a very contemplative kind of Person much different from the temper of his Father, who coming one day to him with some company, said to his Son after some words which he heeded not, what: you are musing now, and building Castles in the Air? Indeed replied the Son, I must build them there or no where, for you have not left me a foot of Land to do it upon.   

A Voyage.  
THE Cardinal of Lorraine in the time of Queen Mary being to pass from Marseilles to Genoa in order to his Embassy to Rome, took Bruschet the King of France his fool along with him; as they came to be embarked Bruschet refused, objecting the danger, replied the Cardinal I have our Holy Father's benediction in this passage, Oh quoth the fool I have heard the Pope had power in Heaven Earth & Purgatory, but I never heard the see of Rome could command the Sea.   

Hispaniola.  
UPon the design of Hispaniola in a secret Counsel held by Oliver Cromwell, much debate there was upon the attempt of entrance, (as it afterwards happened betwixt the General's Venables and Pen in the iustant of Landing on the place) in the midst of the dispute up stood Coll. Skippon saith he we are differing in opinions how we shall get in, but here's no discourse how we shall get out.   

Cardinal Wolsey.  
Cardinal Wolsey was building himself a very costly and magnificent Monument or Sepulchre, to which often resorting to see how the work went forward a fellow under the notion of a fool, standing by, my Lord said be you need not care how slowly it proceeds, for if you would use and occupy this grave you must enter in it alive for it shall never entertain you when dead.   

Ambition.  
GReat men's haughty enterprises are well castigated and reproved by a moral of a natural who being of the scullery to King James, and employed to bring the wood into the kitchen, did usually pull out the lowermost billets from under the load of great stacks, and being asked on a time by my Lord of Dorset, (who by chance espied him a tugging of them out,) the reason thereof, be answered, he did the difficultest work first, without climbing: quoth my Lord, This is a way to spoil a Courtier.   

A Moral.  
SOme Fools together by a river side put their legs into the water, when they had continued some time they knew not distinctly their own, none offering to draw them out while they were assured: in the interim comes a man and seeing them in this doubt gave them such a bange about the middle of their legs, that they presently fetched them out, being taught by the smart to know them. appliable to Tyrants who in the stream of Prosperity mistake themselves, till judgement and calamity strikes and overthrows them.   

Sir Thomas Roe.  
SIR Thomas Roe sent Ambassador to the Grand Signior by King James, at his Audience by the Prime Vizier, was forced to stand, through want of a seat, after his business was delivered. Whereupon having a Robe or Vest about him of value he threw it down and upon that seated himself, and after a little pause risen up, and left it: being asked the reason of it by the Vizier, he said that it was dishonourable for his Master's Ambassador either to bring or carry stools from that Court.   

A Polish Ambassador.  
A Polish Ambassador was sent to Ferdinand the second Emperor of Germany, and as the use and Custom of that Nation generally is to speak Latin, delivered his business at a private conference in that language, the Emperor likewise answered him in the same, but broke Priscian's Head a little. That the Ambassador caught at and noted to him: the Emperor smiling replied, that he had forgot he was speaking with a pedagogue, while he supposed him an Ambassador.   

Another.  
AT Constantinople betwixt the Ambassadors of the Emperor and the French King a quarrel arose for precedency in the Church whereat that time the Frank Christians being all of the same profession had one common Church; the Grand Signior hearing of it, commanded a naked Scimitar to be hung at the door of the said Church, and by his declaration signified, he would not be tied by the custom of other Princes but whoever spilt blood should answer for it to him.   

Another.  
AN Embassy was once sent by the States of Holland to King James entrusted to three persons, one who had been a soldier his forehead was shot slanting away, another an Advocate so troubled with the Gout that he could scarce stand, another dull heavy fellow. Marry quoth the King here's an Embassy indeed, that hath neither Head Feet nor Heart.   

Sir Jerome Bowes.  
SIR Jerome Bowes was sent Ambassador to Evan Vasilowich the Tyrannical Emperor of Russia from Queen Elizabeth; it fortuned at his Arrival at Musco he found an Ambassador there likewise from the French King, who had audience appointed him the same day before Sir Jerome. The French according to the Europian Custom in delivering his Errand put his hat on, the Tyrant without further ado, caused his hat to be lightly nailed to his Head, and with no other answer dismissed him, soon after comes sir Jerome and useth the same custom: saith the Emperor knowest thou not what I have caused to be done to the French Ambassador for the same presumption: yea replied he, but know you likewise, what ever you think of him or his Master, dare but to touch me, I serve a Mistress who shall avenge it a hundred fold upon you as sure as your Cap is made of Furr. The Tyrant taken with this resolute Answer stepped to him from his Throne and took him in his Arms saying to his great Officers about him; you Dogs which of you would do so much for me, and at his departure presented him with a Jewel, and this commendation in his answer and letters to the Queen, thy slave Jerome Bowes hast done thee good and faithful service.   

Another.  
A Spanish Ambassador or Envoy came to the Turkish Court, and being scared, and wounded in the face was slightly looked on by the Divan, and asked tauntingly by one of them whether his Master had no person of Honour without such blemishes to send to their great Lord. To which he replied, enough such my Master hath, but because I wear this wound before not behind am I on purpose sent hither, as a testimony of the victory we got of you at Lepanto, where you were scared and cowardly fled, and so escaped from being scared.   

A young Maid.  
A young handsome Maid belonging to my Lord Stanhop, was in Cherry time sent by her Lady then in the Country to gather her some Cherries of such a Tree in the Orchard. A servant of my Lords who infinitely desired the wench, after she had by a ladder got up the Tree to the top branches, came sneaking under her thinking to see her pudenda: the modest Maid espying him clapped her coats close about her, and bid him go off, urging him with the unhandsomeness of the Action: but the fellow still persisting in his libidinous speculation she opened her Coats and discharged such a shore of thick and thin upon his face, that the fellow was almost blind, and fell a rubbing his eyes, so that he could not find the way to the House while the wench came down and sent him a guide.   

A Spanish Captain.  
ROderigo de Veles a Spanish Captain who had served Philip the second in Flanders against the Hollanders with good fame and repute, growing old and not able to undergo the diligence and extremity of that service retired home to Spain having obtained his Congee from the Acrchduke Albertus with letters of acknowledgement. With these upon his coming to Madrid near the Town, he unexpected and incognito meets the King, who being a hunting thereabouts had lost his way and his Company. He comes near and seeing him in the habit of a Gentleman inquires who he was, he replies a Captain, demanded his name tells it; the King further urgeth on what occasions he was travelling that way, he tells him that having faithfully served Don Philip for so many years in the Low Countries, he came now in his old Age to seek for a Pension, whereon to live the rest of his life. Quoth the King doth his Majesty own you any arrears? No said the Captain, why then suppose the King will not grant you a Pension as he may refuse, why then quoth Roderigo let the King kiss my Mules tail; well, said the King I belong to the affairs of Flanders, come to morrow morning when the Counsel of War sets, and I will get you admittance, sending your name in by the doorkeeper. Accordingly next morning he came and upon naming himself as the King had before given order, was forthwith brought into the Counsel, where he presently found it was the King whom he had met before, Now quoth the King, Signior Captain, what do you say if the King will not allow you a Pension. Why Sir said he if he will not, my Mule is ready at the Court Gate. The King highly taken with the bluntness of the Man gave him in hand a good sum of Money and a yearly maintanance of 60. Pound per annum.   

Margaret Countess of Richmond.  
THis Lady was Mother to Henry the 7. descended from John Beaufort Duke of Somerset, a right noble and pious Lady, witness her foundations in Cambridge peculiarly that gift of Margaret professor in that university: she was so addicted to the practice of Religion and a woman of so humble and meek a spirit, that she would often say that if the Princes of Christendame would join in one league against the Turks for the recovery of the Holy Land, she would willingly accompany them and be their Laundress.   

An ginger.  
ONE by the Stars had foretold that Henry the 7. should that year die. This came to the King's ear. The fellow is Complemented to the Court and brought before the King who gave him good words and demanded, if from the Stars any thing could be told and if he had any skill in Prognostication; he answered yea; then pray tell me said the King where do you think you shall be those Holy days (Christmas then approaching) here he stuck, and being urged he said he could not tell, therefore said the King I am skillfuller in this art than yourself, for I know you shall be in the Tower, and presently commanded Him to be sent thither.   

Of an unadvised Statesman.  
IN the Corn-Market at Paris is a Grate or opening of the common shore of that City, where a privy Councillor commanded himself to be buried as an expiation of some evil Council he had given. The matter this. The French King was heavy and pensive for want of money. To supply him, he advised him for two years to lay a gabelle or Impost of two farthings upon some trifles out of the Country for two years only, which risen to a great sum. When this exigence was over the King continued the same Tax, nay more by this example were laid upon the people. He seeing that he could not remedy this evil, not having the same power in dissuading as he had in counselling, took snuff and died, and for a Monument to all such Councillors, expressly provided in his will that he should be buried in this Sink near the place where the Toll is paid. His Sepulchre and the imposition do yet continue.   

Henry the Eight.  
A Nobleman had killed a certain Person, for which fact some Lords of his alliance interceded with the King, and procured his pardon; it happened soon after the same Nobleman slew another man, and again the same Lords came to interpose, and to prevent other than their own information, did it as soon almost as the murder was committed. Please your Majesty (saith one of them) my Lord of N. hath killed a Man, but we hope— Hold there said the King, 'tis not my Lord hath killed the Man, but 'tis the King hath done it in not suffering the Law to pass upon my Lord for the former murder.   

Cardinal Woolsey.  
IT is known how inordinately and ambitiously this Prelate being then Lord Chancellor affected the Papacy, King Henry knowing the mind of the Man, resolved to put a trick upon him; he comes therefore on a sudden and tells him he had received an express by his Ambassador that it was questionless that Pope Paul was dead but yet kept privately by the Cardinals in Rome, for fear of his Majesty's prevalence in the next Election. I wish (quoth Woolsey) some Person were chosen to that Dignity who was well affected to your Majesty's service. 'Twere well said the King, what if I procured you to be elected, would your Majesty could said the Cardinal; I but (replied the King) money is wanting; quoth the Cardinal I have three Tun of Gold by me; Give me that speedily said the King, I will add the rest of my own, which being done News came that Pope Paul was alive and live likely.   

A Memorable thing.  
A Scot at Cassels in Hussia in the year 1610, but of a mean stature, though of wonderful agility and strength of body, lying flat on his back, having nothing but his shirt on, sustained a stone of twelve pounds' weight on his belly, while three Smiths with great Iron Sledges broke it all into pieces, without any harm at all done him: And also at Constantinople another such Person at the Circumcision of the Grand Signior, held an Anvil at Arms end of 200. weight, while two lusty Smiths forged out a Horse-shoe; which done he tossed the Anvil aloft, and received it again which his arms expanded. He would break a steel Bow or Horse-shoe with his hands without any instrument or help whatsoever.   

The Cardinal of Lorraine.  
TO gratify this Cardinal for his great pains in suppressing the Huguenots in the reign of King Francis, a messenger was sent him from the Pope with the picture of the Virgin Mary holding her Son in her hands, drawn by the famous pencil of Michael Angelo. This, the Messenger falling sick by the way delivers to a Gentleman of Luca to deliver it withal trust and speed. He having received some disgust from the Cardinal procures a piece to be drawn in Paris, of the same bigness wherein to the life were painted the Cardinal, the Queen's niece, the Queen regent, and the Duchess of Guise all naked, their Arms about one another's Necks, and other lascivious postures; with these the Lucese comes to the Cardinal and with his letters which imparted the kind of the present delivers it. The Cardinal gladly accepts it: and for the Honour and more graceful solemnity of this favour invites the Cardinal of Bourbon, Tournoys and Guise, the Dukes of Guise, & Montpensier to be present after a sumptuous dinner at the opening of it: where to the confusion and deserved shame of the Cardinal this obscene piece (hinting at his debauchery) was produced.   

Emperor Maximilian.  
THis Prince was very curious and inquisitively critic in his Genealogy and descent, a Court Parasite to gratify the humour, told him that with some industry and with his command laid on him, he doubted not to derive him lineally (mentioning every Generation by Name) from Noah's Ark. This was listened to, and much time was indulged to this vanity while the sycophant had pretty well feathered himself by this device, in some time, some progress (or rather retrogresse as going backward from the top to the root) being made therein, while most men wondered and silently taxed this vanity but none durst cross or reprove it, the Emperor's Cook who served also as his Jester and with whose facetious quibbles he was much delighted, took him up one day in this manner. Sir it is neither Honourable nor profitable for you to inquire so much after the originals of your family. For now saith he, I as other your subjects do reverence your Majesty and worship it as another deity, but if your Dignity be once brought to Noah's Ark, we shall all be kinsmen, for from thence we all Come, then farewell all your Imperial Glory.   

King Charles the first.  
IT is very certainly reported, that after King Charles the first had signed the Bill for the triennial Parliament, and another, whereby he declared he would not dissolve that present, so terribly known by the name of Long, without the consent of both Houses themselves, the Earl of Dorset last deceased coming the next morning into the King Bedchamber as his Majesty was dressing himself, saluted him with the Compliment of good morrow Fellow Subject.   

General Monk.  
ADmirable and stupendious were those Actions of this renowned General towards the restitution of his Majesty and the settlement of these Kingdoms after such a horrid night of Confusions. Great was his vigilance, greater his prudence, but greatest his reservedness, without all which, having to do with those that had Argus' eyes, and the old Serpent's insinuations both of discovery and temptation, it was impossible to humane expectation He could ever have overcome such insuperable difficulties. It was his great saying and maxim, that if He thought his shirt knew his thoughts and intentions, he would pull it off and burn it. That honest privacy is now turned to public glory. But I remember this passage also from the Germane Histories to have been usual with George the valiant and illustrious Duke of Saxony.   

Philip Landgrave of Hesse.  
HEnry Duke of Brunswick and this Landgrave were at variance and feud; it happened during the quarrel before any rapture, three Noblemen subjects of the Duke being drinking hard in the Landgraves' Dominions, fell a threatening what they would do to the Landgrave if they had him there, one would pull him a pieces with his nails, the second would run him through, another would give him to be torn by his Dogs: Amidst these menaces, the Innkeepers Son who was a Natural, having overheard what they said, steps into their Room, and sitting down gins his story too. I have perceived (saith he) what you could find in your heart to do against our good Landgrave, and I confess they are exquisite cruelties, but if you will listen to me, who, if you know me not, have some understanding too, we'll punish the Landgrave, and kill him in this manner, I will stop his mouth & his nostrils with both hands, so that no breath shall come in or out, and you with your tongues thrust up his fundament shall shut up and obstruct that passage also, that no Air break out, which being done you will have no need to use your nails as you intended unless it be to scratch your tongues clean. This spoken from one whom they knew to be a fool, so dashed them, that they sneaked away and departed.   

A Friar confessor.  
CErtain Maids came to be absolved and confess their sins which they did with a very low voice, it was a very stern Priest, and he more offended by this low speaking which might be imputable only to their modesty, taxed them after this manner. You mumble now and speak through your teeth, not opening your mouth that scarce a third word is audible; but when you are alone with your young men at your Wakes and Ale, you will be sure your legs and tail too shall be stretched wide enough.   

A Matron.  
A Grave Matron much esteemed for her modesty and civility, reckoned one of the prime of the women of the Town, as she came into Church through the snow, some of it stuck to her shoes and gave her such a slip upon the free stones that up flew her heels and her Coats: being terrified with the suddenness of it, like the Thatcher falling from the Barn, she rapt out two or three bawdy words such as were presumed were usual to her, (her tongue and her Coats disclosing her shame at once) and so risen and made all confused haste from her ill intended devotions.   

A Lyar.  
ONE affirmed that he had been in a certain Country, where their Bees were as big as oursheep. This impudent lie one began to examine, & therefore said, sure then the Bee-hives must be of a huge bigness; No saith the other they are no bigger than ours; how then can they get in said the one. This bogled the liar like a Mouse in pitch, at last, he answered, let them whom it concerns look to that.   

Benjamin Johnson.  
ONE was friendly telling Benjamin Johnson of his great and excessive drinking continually. Here's a grievous clutter and talk quoth Benjamin concerning my drinking, but here's not a word of that thirst which so miserably torments me day and night.   

Lewis 12th of France.  
THis Prince had suffered many hardships, under went many dangers contracted many enmities when a subject and Duke of Orleans; having been forced to quit his Country. At last by succession the Crown devolved to him, which he prudently wore for many years being reputed one of the wisest of the French Kings. Being thus seated in the Throne some Courtiers minded him now to revenge the injuries he had formerly received, no replied the brave Prince, the injuries that were done to the Duke of Orleans ought not to be revenged by the King of France.   

A Cavalier.  
A Cavalier travailing out of the Country upon the King's return, a foot, having a heavy leaguer Cloak on his back was so weary with the Sun's vehement heat burning through it, that he knew not what to do, at last within five miles of London he see among the herd of People that were travailing the same way, a prick-eared fellow with a staff in his hand and no Coat nor Cloak; friend quoth he I am a poor Cavalier pray do me the favour to lend me a Crown upon my Cloak till to morrow morning, and tell me where your lodging is and I will when I have been with my friends come and pay you with thanks. The fellow accepts the bargain, gives him the Crown, and carries the Cloak, but as soon as he came to the Towns end the Gentleman returns his Crown, takes his Cloak and with thanks for his pains departed.   

The foolish or little Parliament.  
OLiver after the dissolution of the long Parliament in 1653. summoned by an order of the Council of Officers a little convention of a 100 and odd schismatics, who should assume the Government from him, which he knew they would so rack and torture, that it would be thought good nature in him to take it in that afflicted condition to himself. Accordingly after they had sat some four months, and played their pranks, as before hand was supposed, he sent Colonel White (since some of them would not agree to the resignation of their power, as their speaker and others) to turn them out. White comes with a guard of Foot, and demands the reason why they stayed there since their fellow Members had given up their trust to the General, they answered they stayed and would stay there a seeking the Lord. Push saith White that's to no purpose, the Lord has not been here any time these 12. years and so turned them out.   

Peter House in Cambridge.  
ONe Mistress Mary Dale of Bristol for some reasons was a very affectionate benefactor to Peterhouse in Cambridge, she founded two fellowships and two Scollarships there, and proffered more if on her terms it it might be accepted. For she would have settled Lands on that house to the value of 500 Pounds per annum, on condition it should be called the College of Peter and Mary. This, Doctor Soams then Master of the House refused, affirming that St Peter who so long had lived single, was now too old to have a Feminine Partner.   

Count Maurice of Nassau and Spinola.  
THis Spanish General being invited to an entertainment by the v Prince at Breda soon after the publication of the twelve years' truce, when Lemons and Oranges were brought in for sauce at the first course, what a brave Country quoth Spinola is my Masters affording this fair fruit all the year long. But when Cream was brought up to close the feast Grave Maurice returned, what a brave Country is ours that yields this fruit twice every day.   

A Coward.  
THere was a Soldier that vaunted before his Commander, of the hurts and wounds he had received in his face: His Captain well knowing of him to be but a Coward told him, you were best take heed next time you run away how you look back.   

Goldsmith Hall.  
A Gentleman that had been ruined with his composition at Goldsmith-Hall being met by a Country man of his acquaintance, was asked by him how he lived in those times? replied the other no way dismayed with his fortune, I live like a Prince, I do not know quoth the other what you mean by that, why saith the other I eat and drink and owe much money.   

Count Gundomar.  
HIS Embassy hither was much maligned by the meaner sort, being about the Spanish Match of which without the restitution of the Palatinate they were not desirous; hereupon there was an order made by Proclamation that men should forbear to meddle with matters of State and confine their discourses to their private Concerns: it happened that Gundomar coming up Ludgate hill in a Sedan, one of the Porters casually fell and overturned the Sedan into the kinnel, where the Count shut up called out for help. No quoth a slander by let him lie there, there's a Proclamation we must not meddle with State matters.   

Sir Thomas Moor.  
HAD only Daughters at the first one of whom at the last was of a very remarkable piety towards him, and his wife did ever pray for a boy. At last she obtained her wish, the boy coming to man's estate proved but simple, Sir Thomas thereupon said to his wife thou prayest so long for a boy that he will be a boy as long as he lives.   

Another.  
SIR Thomas Moor on the day he was beheaded had a Barber sent to him because his Beard and hear of his head was grown very long, which was thought at Court would tender him the greater object of pity to the people. The Barber accordingly came and asked him whether he would be pleased to be trimmed. In good faith honest fellow said Sir Thomas, the King and I have a Suit for my head, and till the Title be cleared I will be at no cost about it.   

Again.  
THE same Sir Thomas when Lord Chancellor of England had sent him by a suitor in Chancery two silver Flagons. When they were presented by the Gentleman's servant, he said to one of his Men have him to the Cellar, and let him have of my best Wine and turning to the servant said Tell thy Master if he like it let him not spare it.   

Courtiers.  
IT is an old Adage that Prince's Privadoes and Favourites of Kings were like casting Counters, which are used in the Exchequer as in play to count by. That sometimes they stand for one, sometimes for ten, sometimes for a hundred.   

K. Hen. 8.  
IT is reported of Henry the eight that disguising himself in a mean habit he associated himself among some good fellows, in purpose to know what the people thought and said of him. One of the company spoke something freely of him, giving him a character which the King knew was not much out of the way. Whom the King as a wary Concellour advised not to make discourses of Princes. For if he should praise them he should lie: and if he dispraised them he brought himself into danger.   

Lord Chancellor Hatton.  
IN his time when the Counsellors of two Parties set forth the Limits and Boundaries of the Land in question by the Plate; And the Council of one part said we lie on this side my Lord, and the Council of the other part said and we lie on this side: The Lord Chancellor arose and said. If you lie on both sides whom will you have me to believe?   

Lord Chief Justice Richardson.  
A Dilatory suit had been some time depending in the King's Bench before him, which the Plaintiff could not bring to trial, at last he obtained a peremptory day, the Desendant moved again, & for some reasons shown desired a longer day; 'Twas in Trinity Term, quoth Judge Richardson, you shall have the longest the Court can grant, take the 11th of June, Saint Barnabies day.   

Philip the Second.  
WHen Philip the second conquered Portugal, he gave special charge to his Lieutenant that the Soldiers should not spoil, lest thereby the hearts of the people should be alienated: it came by this means to pass that the Army suffered much want of victual. Whereupon the Spanish Soldiers thereafter used to say. That they had won the King a kingdom on Earth as the Kingdom of Heaven useth to be won, by fasting and abstaining from that which is another Mans.   

A Courtier in Debt.  
THere was a Courtier that died greatly in debt, when the report of his death came to some company (where divers of his Creditors usually met) that he was dead, one began to say, Well if he be gone than he hath carried 500 l. of mine with him into the other World, and another said 200 l. of mine, and a third spoke of great sums of his. Whereupon one that was amongst them said, I perceive now that though a man cannot carry any of his own with him into the other World, yet he may carry away that which is another man's.   

Another.  
A Gentleman who had a debt due from a Lord lately returned into England by Bond, came to him and acquainted his Lordship with it, who referred him to his Steward or Solicitor; at his Address to him he looks upon the Bond, and seeing it to be of an old standing, ever since 40. quoth he sir I have nothing to say to this, this is an old debt, replied the other in a little heat, hath your Lord contracted any new ones? I thought there had been no more mad Men in England to have trusted them.   

In the Land of Hispaniola.  
UPon the landing of the English Army upon that place, Proclamation was made that no man should plunder or take any Plate, Bullion or Jewels upon pain of death: the thirst and heat of travel did not more afflict and diminish their strength then the Proclamation abated their courage, so that one merrier than the rest after their defeat, said, the General had done well to have prohibited their stripping the naked Molattos of their Breeches and Doublets also when they should fall into their hands.   

Parliament Coin.  
A Country honest fellow upon the first coming out of that money, taking it in his hand and turning it backward and forward when he had read the circumscription of it, said, Here are crosses enough I trow me, but how long they shall last I know not, for I see here the Commonwealth of England, and God with Us are not of one side.   

Lord Treasurer.  
WHen my Lord came first to be Lord Treasurer he complained to the Lord Chancellor Bacon of the troublesomeness of the place for that the Exchequer was so empty: The Lord Chancellor answered, my Lord be of good cheer, for now you shall see the Bottom of your business at the first.   

A Present.  
WHen peace was renewed with the French in England, divers of the great Counsellors were presented from the French with Jewels, The Earl of Northampton being then a Privy Counsellor was omitted, whereupon the King said to him, my Lord how happens it that you have not a Jewel as the rest, my Lord answered according to the Fable in Aesop, non sum Gallus ideoque non reperi Gemmam.   

Lord Bacon.  
WHen Sir Francis Bacon was made the King's Attorney, Sir Edward Coke was put from being Lord Chief Justice of the common Pleas to that of the King's Bench, which was observed before as a place above it in dignity, below it in profit. My Lord Coke meeting with Sir Francis, Master Attorney, (saith he) this change is all your doing, it is you that have made this stir. My Lord, replied he, your Lordship hath all this while grown in breadth, you must needs now grow in height, or else you would be a Monster.   

Judge Popham.  
MAster Sarjeant Popham, afterwards Lord Chief Justice Popham, (who said he would make the Road so safe that a man might travel with a white Wand in his hand, and performed his word) when he was chosen Speaker of the House of Commons, who had sat long & done nothing in effect, coming one day to Queen Elizabeth, she said unto him; Now Master Speaker what hath passed in the House of Commons, He answered, if it please your Majesty seven weeks.   

Pace.  
Place the bitter and tart fool was not suffered to come at Queen Elisabeth because of his bitter humour; yet at one time some persuaded the Queen to admit him, undertaking for him that he should keep within compass: so he was brought to her, and the Queen said come on Pace, now we shall hear of all our faults; quoth Pace, I do not use to talk of that which all the Town talks of.   

Bishop Latimer.  
BIshop Latimer said in a sermon at Court, that he heard great speech that the King was poor, and many ways were propounded to make him rich. For his part he had thought of one way which was that they should help the King to some good Office, for all his Officers were very rich.   

Mendoza.  
MEndoza that was viceroy of Peru was wont to say that the Government of Peru was the best place the King of Spain gave, save that it was too near Madrid.   

A Country man.  
A Certain Countryman being at an Assizes and seeing the Prisoners holding up their hands at the Bar related to some of his acquaintance, that the Judges were good for tune tellers, For if they did but look upon a man's hand they could tell whether he should live or die.   

A Pursuivant.  
THere was a Pursuivant had lodged a Gentleman in a very ill Room who expostulated with him somewhat rudely; But the Pursuivant carelessly replied, you will take pleasure in it when you are out of it.   

Admiralty.  
Mr. Giles Merrick a landed Man in the Bermudas was saying that his great Grandfather, grandfather, and Father, died at Sea: said another that heard him, And I were as you I would never come at Sea, why quoth the other, where did your great Grandfather, and grandfather, and Father die, he answered, where but in their beds? he returned, and I were as you I would never come in bed again.   

Sir Francis Bacon.  
WHile Sir Nicholas Bacon the Lord Keeper lived, every room in Gorhambury was served with a Pipe of water from the ponds distant about a mile from thence, soon after during the habitation of Master Anthony Bacon the eldest Son of Sir Nicholas, in the same House, the water ceased. Master Anthony dying, and my Lord Verulam inheriting it, the water could not be recovered without great charge. Being made Lord Chancellor he thereupon built Verulam House close by the pond yard for a place of recess and privacy when he was to do any important business, being one time asked why he built that House there he answered, that since he could not carry the water to his House, he would carry his House to the water.   

Another.  
A Lady walking with Mr Bacon in in Gray's Inn walks asked him whose, that piece of ground lying next under the walls was, he answered theirs. Then she asked him if those fields beyond the walks were theirs too, he answered, yes Madam those are ours as you are ours to look on and no more.   

Sir Francis Bacon.  
WHen Sir Francis Bacon was newly advanced to the great seal Count Gondamor came to visit him, and to compliment him on the Honour conferred on him my Lord replied, That he was to thank God and the King for that Dignity, but yet so he might be rid of the burden he could very willingly forbear the Honour, and that he formerly had a desire and the same continued with him still to lead a private life, Count Gondomar replied, I will tell your Lordship a Tale of an old Rat that would needs leave the world and therewith acquainted the young Rats that he would retire into his Hole and spend his days solitarily, and would enjoy no more comfort, commanding them upon his high displeasure not to offer to come in unto him. In obedience to this command they forbore 2. or 3. days, at last one that was more hardy than the rest incited some of his fellows to go in with him and he would venture to see how his Father did, for he might be dead, They accordingly went in, and found the old Rat sitting in the midst of a rich Parmezan Cheese; my Lord laughed, but his necessities after that employment agreed not with the Fable.   

Lord Henry Howard.  
IN the time of Queen Elizabeth when the distressed Estates of Holland supplicated the Queen for assistance, there came one Agent from them called Caroon, and when he had often moved the Queen for further succours and more Men, my Lord Henry Howard jested upon him thus, That he agreed well the name of Charon Ferry man of Hell, for he came still for more men to increase Regnum Vmbrarum.   

Sir Fulke Grevil Lord Brook.  
SIr Fulke Grevil being then a Member of the House of Commons, when that House in a great business & large debate stood much upon Precedents said unto them, why do you stand so much upon Precedents? The times hereafter will be good or bad; if good, precedents will do no harm, if bad, power will make a way where it finds none.   

Affected Gravity.  
MAny men especially such as affect Gravity have a manner after other men's speech to shake their head, A principal officer of this Land used to say, it was as men shake a bottle to see if there were any wit in their Heads or no.   

Archbishop of Canterbury,  
IN discourse of the Puritans and non conformists of the times, who pretended to a greater measure of piety and sanctity, this Archbishop replied, That some hypocrites and seeming mortified men which held down their Heads were like the little Images in the Vaults or Roofs of Churches which look and bow down as if they held up the Church when as they bear no weight at all.   

A Tilting.  
IN Queen Elizabeth's time when Tilt and Tourney and running at the ring was much in Fashion, there came a Gentleman all in Orange tawny and ran very ill, the next day he came again all in Green and ran worse, there was one of the lookers on asked another what is the reason that this Gentleman changeth his colours, the other answered I think because it may be reported that the Gentleman in the Green ran worse than the Gentleman in the Orange Tawny.   

Sultan Selimus.  
SVltan Selimus was the first of the Ottoman Emperors that did shave his beard as Busbequius reports, whereas his Predecessors wore it long: one of his Pashas therefore asked him the question, why he altered the custom of his progenitors, he replied because you Pashas shall not lead meby the beard as you did them.   

Consalvo the great Captain.  
AFter a great fight there came to the Camp of Consalvo the great Captain, a Gentleman, proudly horsed and armed, another Spanish Captain asked Consalvo who that Gentleman was, who answered, It is Saint Ermine who never appears but after the storm.   

Sir Henry Wotton.  
UPon consideration of those many panegyrics and laudatory speeches, letters and exhortations to great men, he once said, that though the manner of Painters be to mend the picture by the life, yet with generous minded men it should be inverted, viz. to mend the life by the picture, to become such as those encomiums express a man to be.   

Business.  
IT was usual saying of my Lord Bacon, that it was in business as it is frequently in ways, that the next and nearest way is commonly the foulest, and that if a man will go the fairest way he must go somewhat about.   

Robert Earl of Leicester.  
THis Earl was the greatest Hypocrite and subtle enemy in England, much voiced up by the non conformists, for his patronage of them, whereby he drew that faction clearly to his side, he was always very distrustful and jealous, and sad examples there were of his treachery, and it was his usual saying that we read that we ought to forgive our enemies, but we do not read that we ought to forgive our friends.   

Earl of Essex.  
IT was usually said of Robert Earl of Essex the Father of the last deceased and who was altogether as military and popular (and I remember an observation made that when the Son departed from London to Barnet and so onward against the King, it was bruited, that with the same Pomp his father began his expedition the same road to Ireland and soon after lost his Head which fate was suspected to attend his Son, though a potion its thought did the same effect) that he was the the greatest usurer in England for that he had turned all his Estate (having wasted a great part thereof in his several voyages and expeditions by caressing the the soldiers) into obligations.   

Caesar Borgia.  
THe supposed Nephew but son of Pope Alexander the sixth one of the worst of that see, yet so great a Benefactor to the family of this present Pope, that he hath assumed his name by the name of Alexander the seventh: after long division betwixt him and the Estates of Romania, came to an agreement with them: in the Treaty there was an article that he should not call them at any time altogether in person. Their intention was that knowing his treacherous and cruel nature if he meant them any danger or treason he might not have the opportunity or advantage to oppress them altogether at once. Notwithstanding he brought it so about by his finesses and artifices that he won upon their confidence to assemble together at Cinigalia where he murdered them all. The news hereof was related to the Pope as a thing perfidious but happy, who upon hearing of it said, It was they that had broke their Covenant first in coming altogether.   

A Court Maxim.  
IT is fathered on the Emperor Trajan, who used in speaking of the jealousy of Princes, that seek to make away those that aspire to the succession, that there was never King that did put to death his successor; this was very rife in the business of Mary Queen of Scots beheaded by Queen Elizabeth.   

Sir Nicholas Bacon.  
THis Knight was Sir William Cecils second in the service of the State being Father also to my Lord Verulam and Lord Chancellor in the reign of Queen Elizabeth; upon bills exhibited in that Court to discover where Lands lay, upon proof that they had a certain quantity of Land but could not set it forth, was wont to say, and if you cannot find your Land in the Country, how will you have me find it in the Chancery.   

Conbury Park.  
THe Earl of Leicester Favorrite to Queen Elizabeth was making a large chase about Cornbury Park, intending to enclose it with posts and Rails, and one day was casting up his charge what it would come to, a Gentleman standing by that was a free spoken man, said to my Lord upon the sudden, methinks your Lordship goeth not the cheapest way to work, why Sir said my Lord, Introth my Lord said he count you but upon the posts for the Country will find you Railing.   

Knights.  
MY Lord of Essex when he commanded at the Siege of Rhoan an Army of English in aid of Henry the 4. of France against the league, made 24. Knights (after a battle against the Duke de Main) which at that time was a great number, divers of those Gentlemen were of weak and small means which when Queen Elizabeth heard, she said my Lord might have done well to have built his Alms house before he made his Knights.   

French Massacre.  
AFter the Massacre of the French Protestants, in Paris, on St. bartholomew's day an overture was made of a new agreement, to that purpose the Deputies of the reformed Religion met there to treat of a Pacification, after some debate they agreed on articles, nothing remaining but the security for the performance of them, to this the Queen mother returned by way of question, whether they would not accept the King's security, no by St BARTHOLOMEW Madam answered the Deputies.   

Treasure.  
A Spanish Ambassador coming to Venice, was there Complemented by the State and as a particular Honour to himself and his Master had St. Marks Treasure, reckoned then to be the greatest magazine of wealth in Europe, shown him, At the opening of the same he pointed towards the great Chests and asked some of the senators, whether those Iron-coffers had any bottom, they answered yea, this is nothing then saith he to my Master's wealth, that hath a perpetual spring in his Mines.   

Retinue.  
A Nobleman, who kept a very large retinue, was acquainted by his Steward, that great part of that expense was very burdensome and useless, for that his Lordship needed not so many servants, whereupon he ordered his Steward to bring him a list and Catalogue of all his servants, and to mark their names which the frugal steward did putting out by his note above half his retainers. When this scroll was presented the Nobleman asked what he marked so many out for, because Sir saith he they are of no use to you; why then saith the Lord if the other must stay because I have need of them, these shall stay because they have need of me.   

Henry the fourth.  
HEnry the fourth of France after he had married Mary de Medicis was for a little while childless, upon news of the Queen's conception, the Count of Soissons, who was heir apparent to the Crown, gave out, that it was with a pillow: these words came to the King's ear, who, the Queen growing very big, took the said Count to her lodgings and laid his hand upon her Apron, what think you now Cousin quoth the King of this pillow, marry said the Count I think it to be a Pillow for all France to rest its head upon.   

Proud Prelate.  
A Proud Prelate of England in imitation of his great example the Pope, would admit no suitors in any other posture but prostration: a man reputed for his wisdom petitioning of him was forced to comply with the custom, being taxed by some for this servile flattery as unbecoming men to no greater a person then a Bishop, he answered, that it was none of his fault, but the Prelate's who carried his ears in his Feet.   

Lord Wentworth.  
AFter my Lord Wentworth Ancestor to the Earl of Cleveland had lost Calais, through want of a sufficient Garrison being forced on a sudden by the Duke of Guise to a surrender, who had failed of another great enterprise on Naples the Queen never dawed day but with the complaints of (Quintili red legiones) render me Calais, quite spent herself; the Lord Chamberlain delivering her one night the Key she sighed and said, this is not the key of Calais: which was always held for the Key of France.   

Earl of Dorset.  
ONE Captain Beale served my Lord with hats, which he prized at high and excessive rates, my Lord understanding by his Steward the rate of his bills sent for his Haberdasher, Sir quoth my Lord, what is your meaning to set me such prizes in which there is no conscience, why my Lord quoth Captain Beale, we citizens must balance accounts, if you do not pay me then you cheat me, but if you do then I cheat your Lordship.   

The grand Seignour.  
DON John of Austria was General at the fight of Lepanto against the Turks, where he gave them a signal overthrow, this being related to the Grand Signior, who had lately taken the whole Kingdom of Cyprus from the Venetians he contentedly said, that the loss of a Fleet to him was but as the shaving of his beard which would grow again, but the loss of a Kingdom was like the lopping off a member.   

Philip the second of Spain.  
HE was of so rare a temper that after his invincible Armado was defeated upon the English Coasts, and dispersed with winds driven about the Coast of Ireland back again; upon the news thereof he only said that he sent not out that Fleet to fight against the Winds: Another time having writ expresses to Flanders when they were fairly copied he gave them to his secretary to throw sand upon them, who mistaking the box throwed Ink in stead of it and wholly defaced them, he said no more but went into his Chamber and transcribed them.   

Colonel Massey.  
IT is commonly reported that at the siege of Gloucester, before the Citizens burnt down the suburbs, after the King had summoned it, Prince Rupert sent word to the Governor that if he yielded not presently he would forthwith fire him out, to which Colonel Massey returned, let the Prince do so and I will meet and fight with him in the Flame.   

Lady Lambert.  
MUch talk there was of some familiarity betwixt Oliver Cromwell and my Lady Lambert, upon the device of the Instrument of Government, which was chiefly assisted by Lambert upon mutual assurances that he should succeed in the protectorship when that project took effect in December 1653, it was said by a wag that oliver's Instrument was found in my Lady Lambert's Placket.   

Olivers Commissioners of the Treasury.  
THere was a great complaint of money (as occasion enough) in the public receipts as they called them: in that Parliament which was called in 1656, great stir was made for a supply, among the rest an Act was propounded for the better regulation of the Exchequer, which some fingerers of that money (as most of them were such) would have only to look forward to the future management of it, saith Thurloe the Secretary, gentlemans, if a man hath lost his purse whether should he look backward or forward; my Lord hath lost his Purse   

Harry Marten.  
THis Antimonarchical Person being condemned for the execrable murder of King Charles, was after sentence (he coming in upon the King's Proclamation) brought before the House of Lords to show cause why he should not suffer due execution of his judgement, to which he returned answer, that true it was he could not nor did expect any favour from that House, whose extirpation he had endeavorured and as to the King, he acknowledged he never had observed any of his or his predecessors Proclamations save one, and for that he should be hanged.   

Lord Bruce.  
SIR Edward Sackvile afterwards Lord Dorset was challenged by this Lord to fight with him in the low Countries upon some fend betwixt them, in the duel they were both grievously wounded, yet would not give over: at last it was my Lord Dorsets fortune to throw him upon a close and having him at this advantage proffered him his life, no quoth the Scotch Lord I scorn to accept it at the hands of an English man, and I then scorn saith Dorset to give it to a Scotch man.   

Monsiure Bellieure.  
WHen the King was in the hands of the Scotch at Newcastle and bargained and sold by them to the English, this Monsiure being the French Kings Ambassador came thither, and seeing the sale agreed upon departed, at his going away Lashley sent a Guard of horse to bring him into the English Quarters, where being arrived he called for the Corporal of the squadron, and having a half Crown in his hand demanded of him what that piece was, thirty pence Sir said he, even for so much the Jews betrayed our Saviour take, this among you.   
FINIS.   

A TABLE OF THE NAMES OF Those PERSONS in these Collections.  
 Folio. HEnry the 8. 1 Queen Elizabeth. 2 Lord Hunsden. 3 Lord Treasurer. 4 Lord chief Justice. 5 King Wardrobe. 6 Shoemaker no Gentleman. 7 Sir William Clarke 8 Lord Spencer. 9 Doctor Preston. 10 Sir Thomas Moor. 11 Sir Horatio Pollavieini. 13 Lord Bacon. 14 Doctor Perne. 15 Queen Elizabeth. 17 Wood of Kent. 18 Bishop Bancroft, ibid. A Pike. 19 Apes. 20 Lord William Ceeil. 21 Master Sutton the founder of that Hospital. 22 Sir Robert Dymock the King's Champion. 23 Sir Thomas Gresham. 24 Cambridge Disputation. 25 Sir John Cutts. 26 The Countess of Shrewsebury. 27 Sir Arthur Chichester. 28 Thomas Stukely. 29 Earl of Oxford. 30 A By't. 31 Master Richard Hackluit. ibid. Beggars Bush. 32 Name. 33 Sir Walter Raleigh. ibid. An Italian Humour 34 Law Suit. 35 Sir Francis Cheney. 36 Earl of Carnarvan. 37 Shipmoney. 38 Coat of Arms. 39 Extraction. ibid. Compliment. 40 King James. 41 Bishops. 42 Welshmen. 43 Another. ibid. Bishop Gloucester. 44 The King's Porter. 45 Parson Bull. 46 Lord Goring. 47 Gentleman. 48 Sir Henry Marten. 49 Boots. ibid. Sir Gilbert Talbot. 50 Sir Robert Naunton. 51 A Learned Maid. 52 Bishoprics. 53 Marston Moor. 54 Wales. 55 Welsh Gentleman. ibid. Lord Bacon. 57 Another. 58 Henry the 8. 59 Evesham Bridge 60. Organs. 61. Queen Marry. 62 Disputation. 63 Lord Hunsdon. 64 King Philip. 65 Term. 66 Stump the Clothier. 68 Sir Thomas Wyat. 69 Henry the 8. 71 King James a hunting. 72 Sir Henry Rush. 73 A Voyage. 74 Hispaniola. ibid. Cardinal Wolsey. 75 Ambition. 76 A moral. ibid. Sir Thomas Roe. 77 A Polish Ambassador. 78 Another. 79 Another. ibid. Sr. Jerome Bowes. 80 Another. 81 A young Maid. 82 A Spanish Captain. 83 Margaret Countess of Richmond. 85 An ginger. 86 An unadvised Statesman. 87 Henry the 8. 88 Cardinal Wolsey. 89 A memorable thing. 90 The Cardinal of Lorraine. 91 Emperor Maximilian. 92 King Charles the first. 94 General Monk. ibid. Philip Landgrave of Hesse. 95 A Friar confessor. 97 A Matron. 98 A Lyar. 99 Ben. Johnson. ibid. Lewis the 12 of France. 100 A Cavalier. ibid. The little or foolish Parliament. 101 Peter House in Cambridge. 103 Count Maurice of Nassau, and Spinola. ibid. A Coward. 104 Goldsmiths Hall. 105 Count Gundomar. ibid. Sir Thomas Moor. 106 Another. 107 Again. ibid. Courtiers. 108 Henry the 8. ibid. Lord Chancellor Hatton. 109 Lord Chief Justice Richardson. 110 Philip the second. ibid. A Courtier in Debt, 111 Another. 112 Hispaniola. 113 Parliament Coin, ibid. Lord Treasurer. 114 A present. 115 Lord Bacon. ibid. Judge Popham. 116 Place the fool. 117 Bishop Latimer. ibid. Mendoza. 118 A Country man at Assizes. ibid. A Pursuivant. 119 Admiralty. ibid. Sir Francis Bacon. 120 Another. 121 Sir Francis Bacon. ibid. Lord Henry Howard. 123 Sir Fulke Grevil Lord Brook. ibid. Assected Gravity. 124 Arch Bishop of Canterbury. ibid. A Tilting. 125 Sultan Selimus. 126 Consalvo the Great Captain. ibid. Sir Henry Wotton. 127 Business. ibid. Robert Earl of Leicester. 128 Earl of Essex. ibid. Caesar Borgia. 129 A Court Maxim. 130 Sir Nicholas Bacon. 131 Cornbury Park. 131 Knights. ibid. French Massacre. 133 Treasure. 134 Retinue. ibid. Henry the Fourth. 135 Proud Prelate. 136 Lord Wentworth. 137 Earl of Dorset. ibid. Philip the second of Spain. 138 Colonel Massey. ibid. The Grand signior. 139 Lady Lambert. 140 oliver's Commissioners of the Treasury. 141 Harry Martin. 142 Lord Bacon. 143 Monsieur Bellicure. ibid.  
FINIS.   

To the Reader.  
THE Reader is desired to excuse the Collector of these Jocoseria, is in some places Names be wanting, for it was neither safe, nor satisfactory.   

ADVERTISEMENT.  
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