HOMER ALAMODE, THE Second Part, IN English Burlesque:  
Or, A MOCK-POEM UPON THE Ninth Book of ILIADS.  
Nunc vacu●s crin●s alto s●hit insula nexu:  
Troja mihi magnusque iter in tentatur Achilles.  
STATIUS.  
Once I was serious; but now  
A merry Worm enwreaths my brow;  
And in blithe Rhimes (so Muse's will is)  
I sing of Troy and great Achilles.  
— Semel insanivimus omnes.  
Invented for the Meridian of C●mbridge, where the Pole of Wit is elevated by several degrees.  
LONDON, Printed by S. Roycroft, for Dorm in Newman, at the King's Arms in the Poultry, 1681.   

To his Friend Anthony Le-Nobody, ON HIS Mock-Poem.  

SCarron's a Fool, and Hudibras  
He is, what is he? why an Ass.  
And so's Leander's bawdy Poem,  
And Maronides, if you know'um.  
And other Folio's I ne'er saw,  
Written by Lovers of ha-haw.  
If but compared to what here comes,  
I say, they are but mere Tom-thumbs!  
And this I'm sure, though they're all vexed,  
You have kept closest to your Text;  
And though they Somebody's would be,  
They're Nothing, Nobody, to thee.   
Philippo-Hudibrantio-Love-Witto. Dat. Scarron●-ottonia, Anno Risûs inventi, 5677.   

TO THE Reader.  
THough here may be something more than the Truth, yet here is the Truth too, that is, as Homer was pleased to deliver it to us: For the rest, it is as the Genius of Burlesque requires; but I suppose 'twill savour best with them, who have had Experience in that Author. Some Citations I have made of many, that you might at lest see the connexion of things, without the trouble of quoting the Poet himself on every occasion.   

THE PREFACE TO THE READER.  

THis Rhapsody yclept jota,  
Is full of matter worth the note-a,  
To wit, of words Homerical,  
Much mirth, some sense, and faith that's all:  
But that you may be wiser, than  
A thousand other honest men,  
(Who never know, what 'tis they read)  
I'll tell you now, ' ere I proceed.    

THE Argument.  

ONce on a time the Greek Gurmudgeons,  
Were sound banged by the Trojans;  
But an old Gipsy, called Nox,  
Saved the Rogues ears from further knocks:  
But lousy Greeks in terror micle,  
Being scaped, soon called a Conventicle.  
There, while Atrides doth persuade  
His bold Dragoons homeward to wade,  
'Cause Jove made such a deadly pester;  
Tydides', and old Crump-backed Nestor,  
Stood up and swore it should not be:  
Then drivelling Nestor (do you see?)  
After he had well supped and bowzed  
To th' Jury this Advice proposed:  
That some good Beadles should be sent  
Forthwith unto Achilles' Tent,  
To move by words, (not Sword or Hanger)  
That he should strait depose his Anger.  
But he, an illbred Clown, they say,  
For all their Nauls did still cry nay:  
And having played at Cards one game,  
Sent 'em home like Fools as they came.  
This doughty Message being told  
To th' Greeks, they think it very bold;  
Some their Moustaches stroke and stare,  
Some weep, while others curse and swear;  
Some wash away sad thoughts with Nectar,  
While others at Achilles Hector:  
Thus for a while, Great Sir, they keep;  
Then fall (like men of War) to sleep.    

A MOCK-POEM Upon the Ninth Book OF HOMER's ILIADS.  

THus Trojans did at Sent'nel stand,  
With Musket ready cocked in hand;  
But 
1 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  heavenly flight a Friend to fear,  
Held every Grecian (by the Ear.)  
While the stout 
2 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  Captain's grief doth ' rise,  
And makes 'em put fingers in Nies.  
Have you not seen how in a Churn,  
Cream does at last to Butter turn,  
While 
3 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  Boars or Jeoffery rolls the stick  
And jumbles it about full quick?  
Even thus, no otherwise I think,  
The fearful Greeks began to stink;  
And that Beef-courage, they so boasted,  
Looked now like meat twenty times roasted  
But Great 
4 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  Atrides did appear  
As chief in honour, chief in fear:  
He first (if Poets are n●● liars) 
†) 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉—   
Bad Corporal call the ●●rill-lung'd 
5— 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  Criers  
Then bad the Criers to convocate,  
Some Persons he did 
6 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  〈…〉.  
But without 
7 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  noise, lest the Greeks might  
Suppose 'twas some Nocturnal spirit,  
And so for fear themselves be— 
* This word Fright being left out in other M. S. hath given some lewd Commentators' cause to suspect all was not well; but if you will be content with this word, so, if not you may go sh— — sright.  
And he himself (though never so  
In battle) now (7) did foremost go.  
In short they all in Council met,  
And there like 
8 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  Humdrum john's the sat  
But Agamemnon 'mong 'em all,  
Himself risen up, letting tears fall  
As fast as streams 
9 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  from some high ground  
A mercy 'twas they were not drowned)  
And 
10 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉—  sighing as if's heart would break,  
●●n micle manner thus he spoke:  
Friends, Knights and Aldermen (d'ye see?)  
Was ever mortal plagued like me!  
And all through shirking Joves false plot,  
That promised (but performed not.)  
Nay 
11— 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉  swore to me each word he said  
And 
* 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  bowed each Oath his greasy head;  
That I should Troy (the Devil knows when)  
Destroy, and so go home again:  
But now this petty fogging Sot  
Hath plainly showed his 
12 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  crafty plot,  
And after all my Red-coats slain,  
Bids me to Argos pack again.  
‛ And this forsooth is Jove's high will,  
‛ That hath, and doth do, mischief still.  
' 'Tis he thumps down 
13— 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  Cities at ease,  
‛ And crushes Towns, as men do Flees,  
‛ Because in Heaven 
14— 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  secure he sits  
‛ From our revenge, and counts us Chits.  
‛ But now go too, nay run, I say,  
‛ And 
15— 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  as I speak, let's all obey;  
‛ Let's home t'our Country Beef and Bacon  
‛ For Troy as yet cannot be taken.  
Thus spoke the mighty Greeks Commander▪  
But all the rest, for fear of slander,  
Stood 
16— 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  mute, and though they were full glad,  
Wisely pretended to be sad;  
But at the last the 
17— 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  roaring Rogue,  
Tydides' thus began his vogue.  
‛ You shabby Fool Atrides 
18 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉. , first  
‛ I'll contradict you, do your worst;  
‛ (If leave in Counsel may be had:)  
‛ But pray, good King, 
19 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  do not be mad▪  
‛ You may remember, you're the man,  
‛ That 
20 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉—  scolding 'mong the Greeks began,  
‛ And said, I could no better shift  
‛ Than vile Tom-thumb, or Hickathrift;  
‛ Though all the 
21— 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  Greeks both young & old  
‛ Know very well, Sir, I'm more bold:  
‛ But Faith, I think the Son of 
22 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉—  Crony,  
‛ Has destined you to be A Tony;  
‛ A Sceptre truly he hath lent you,  
‛ But not one dram of 
23 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  metal sent you:  
‛ D'ye think the Greeks stout Sons can do,  
‛ No better, Loggerhead, than you?  
‛ If you'll be jogging, I suppose,  
‛ The 
24 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉—  way lies fair before your Nose;  
‛ And there's your Cock-boats some seventeen-a,  
That followed you from Town Mycena;  
‛ But th'rest (if we are no mistakers)  
‛ Will stay, till Trojans be turned Quakers.  
‛ But grant the rest should likewise go,  
‛ And all with you should homeward row,  
‛ Pray let 'em all budge home full pennyless,  
‛ Yet I 
25 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉—.  intent with Cousin Sthenelus,  
‛ (Though Trojans so redoubted be)  
‛ To fight with them like Dog and Bear;  
‛ Not fearing storms or rainy weather,  
‛ Because Old Nicholas 
26 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  brought us hither.  
This said, the Grecians gave a shout  
In favour of this 
27 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉—  Knight no doubt;  
But when their Caps they'd re-put-an  
The 
28 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  Ostler Nestor thus began:  
‛ Tydides', you're both stout of fist,  
‛ And give good counsel, when you list:  
‛ Who is't dare 
29 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉—  contradict that fine Oration you made? Troth, none as I know.  
‛ But yet, spruce Gallant, all 've said  
‛ Has not as yet 
30— 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  knocked Nail on head;  
‛ Young years do sage Advice destroy,  
‛ And you 
31 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  might well be thought my Boy:  
‛ Yet you spoke well to th'King, for why?  
‛ Because you huff so gallantly.  
‛ But now go too; I, who your Father  
‛ Might well be called, my wits will 
* Hence you may collect, that his brains were scattered.  gather,  
‛ And speak, which speech as I intent  
‛ Shall all 
32 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉—  things needful comprehend:  
‛ And no man sure shall me condemn,  
‛ Ne any else, nè Agamemnon, than the Exordium of its this,  
‛ He 
33 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉  merits neither Friend nor 
* 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉—  Miss.  
‛ Nor house nor home, who e'er he be,  
‛ That loves a Civil war to see.  
‛ Here's the Exordium, for the rest  
‛ To speak it over Ale 'tis best.  
‛ Wherefore, let us obey dark night,  
‛ And make 
34 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉—  a feast full of delight;  
‛ Because, when Hero's sit at Table,  
‛ To counsel best, I ween, they are able.  
‛ But let each Sentinel and Scout,  
‛ Lie in the Trench, the 
*— 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  Wall without:  
‛ Young men, 'tis you I here advise;—  
‛ But you Atrides, you, whose guise  
‛ Is so Majestic, here to Night  
‛ Us Old men to a Foy invite;  
‛ And if you would a reason know,  
' 'Tis fit, 
35 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  nay fit it should be so.  
‛ For in your Tent good 
36 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  Hogsheads stand,  
‛ Exported from the Thracian Land:  
‛ From foreign Seas in Grecian Lighters,  
‛ A'Commodation good for fighters.  
‛ 've 
37 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉▪  all th'advantage for't, to you  
‛ (For your good Wine) the Seepter's due;  
‛ For 
38 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  all, even Thersite, that bold Elf,  
‛ Are ruled by Bacchus and yourself.  
‛ But when we're all together, and  
‛ Sitting at Table cannot stand,  
‛ We'll give our thoughts, and him I say  
‛ That counsels best, you shall obey;  
‛ For all the Greeks are in great want  
‛ Of good Advice (their Wits go scant.)  
‛ And at a desperate pinch appear,  
' 'Cause foes their Bonfires burn so near.  
‛ Who can rejoice to see'um brave us?  
‛ Well— this Night will destroy or save us.  
He said, and they that heard obeyed,  
Thinking all Gospel that he said;  
First, Nestor's Bastard Thrasymede,  
That 
39 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  folks with bit and knock doth feed,  
Went from the place with Arms in hand,  
And swore he would as ' Sent'nel stand.  
(I wots the Father had more wit,  
While the Son stood, the Sire would sit.)  
Then Scalaph and Iâmenus,  
Mars-born (as Homer telleth us.)  
Then Merion, Aphareus, Deipyre,  
And Creon's Son, whom Threshold slippery,  
Through too much haste on Buttocks fling;  
'Twas Lycomede, that had this wrong.  
Seven Captains of the Scout they were,  
And each an hundred men did share  
To be their guard; who some with brands,  
Some with 
40— 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  long Mop-staves armed their hands.  
These 'twixt the Trench and Sconse did lie,  
And there, instead of giving eye  
To Foes proceed, they began  
To make huge 
41 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  fires, and ply the Can.  
But brave Atrides in his Tent,  
A better Feast to th'Old men meant.  
Twelve Bellarmine's were first brought in,  
Which he not valued of a Pin,  
Nor did he reckon it as charge,  
Because his quantum was so large.  
Then five Neats-Tongues, ten Ducks, six Tarts,  
(Dressed by Cook Lawrel's cunning Arts.)  
The Servitors on Table set,  
But they'd forgot the Knives to whet.  
This therefore being done, no do  
Is made, but 
42 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  straight they all fall too.  
But first of all, Agamemnon  
Would needs begin to joak and pun.  
For though his Wit was none ' oth'best,  
He mainly loved to break a Jest.  
Though you might sooner break your neck;  
Yet, thus he quibled on— è feck—  
‛ Now Gentiles, be merry as Greeks,  
And think the Trojans are but Leeks;  
‛ Though they cause water in our eyes  
‛ They're peeled at last— (there the Wit lies.)  
‛ Now think not on grim Hector's wrong,  
‛ But on a shoulder of Neat-tongue,  
‛ A Gammon of Plumporridge, which  
‛ Looks so, it makes my Chaps to itch.  
‛ Think on these Ducks for Dukes so fit;  
‛ (Plague, there's another piece of wit;)  
‛ Then on these Chines of Tart, and see  
‛ First you thank Jove for it, then me.  
‛ But above all think on this Bellarmine,  
‛ And his good Brethren in Cellar-mine.  
‛ Then say, The Devil's in't if these  
‛ Won't make you fight like Bevis'es'.  
This Wit in those days seemed good sauce,  
And was extolled with public voice;  
When strait impatient of delay,  
All with joint force fell on the prey;  
But Homer (as I'm in this place)  
Ne'er mentions they said any Grace;  
But presently ('cause they made haste)  
Hurries them to the end of th' Feast.  
And thus I think his Verses rhyme—  
— When 
43 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  they, to wit, the Guests had done;  
And Servitors had cleared the Table,  
Nestor began a silly Fable,  
(Though his advice 
44— 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  before was rated,  
To be the best as I related,)  
' Agamemnon-alias- Atrides',  
‛ Whose power like your Name full wide is,  
‛ All's for your ends that now I speak,  
‛ Else Squire Catch my weasand break!  
‛ To you Jove gave both Crown and right,  
' T' advise and govern folks in fight;  
‛ And eke to terrify your foes  
‛ (With the bright lustre of your Nose.)  
‛ First therefore you should speak, dear Brother,  
‛ Then condescend to hear another,  
‛ And follow too, if he should be  
‛ A better Counsellor than thee.  
‛ And though your Brains, we know, are few,  
‛ Choice of Opinions given to you;  
‛ Because the want of a good Brain  
‛ Is covered with a Golden Chain.  
‛ But now I something utter shall,  
‛ That seems to me the best of all.  
‛ None can a 
45 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  better crotchet know,  
‛ Than which is in my Noddle now,  
‛ And which I evermore have had  
‛ Since, Sir, you were so pocky mad,  
‛ To vex Achilles, and to rob  
‛ Him of his Wench to do your job:  
‛ Although I 
46 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.—  absolutely swore,  
‛ You was too good for such an Wh—  
‛ And earnestly 
47 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉—  entreated you-Sir,  
‛ To slight the Wench and not abuse-her:  
‛ But you forsooth must be so high,  
‛ And huff the gods None progeny;  
‛ A man, whom all the gods (but Jove,  
‛ Doth in particular manner) love.  
‛ I say, you huffed him; for you 
48— 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉—  have  
‛ His prize, and keep it, like a Knave.  
‛ But let us now a Council call,  
‛ That we may make amends for all,  
‛ By sending him words mild as 
49 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  Honey,  
‛ Gloves, Ribbons, Handkerchiefs & Mony.  
Atrides straight this Answer gave ' ye,  
‛ O Gaffer, now I cry 
50 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉▪  peccavi;  
‛ All that you say is too too true,  
‛ I'll say,— and give the Devil his due.  
‛ He was, I think, one of an 
51— 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉—  hundred  
‛ Of Jove's acquaintance, or his kindred;  
‛ And Jove now (look, he cries, that speaks!)  
‛ Hath honoured him, and 
* 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  damned the Greeks.  
‛ But seeing I've done so and so,  
‛ It can't be otherwise you know:  
‛ And yet to show unfeigned repentance,  
‛ I'll give him gifts, and very 
52 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉▪  gentones:  
‛ Nay, you shall hear me count 'em all—  
‛ First, he shall have a quilted Ball  
‛ Made by fair Mab, the fairest Queen)  
‛ The preciest rarity ' oer seen.  
‛ And then an Hat with Feather in it,  
‛ And then a dapple Spanish Jennet;  
‛ Seven 
53 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉—  joynted-Stools spick and span new,  
‛ And 
† 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  Silver Thimbles not a few.  
‛ Twenty 
54 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  brass Skellets, which will serve  
‛ To dress his meat, that he mayn't starve.  
‛ Twelve grunting Pigs 
55 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉. , will fight for grains,  
‛ And bring their Master in great gains:  
‛ That man will never want for store,  
‛ And I dare swear, will ne'er be poor,  
‛ Whoever doth these Pigs possess,  
‛ So famed for valour and success;  
‛ Besides sometimes, I dare be bold,  
‛ They may from Dunghills rake up Gold.  
‛ But if these will not please him now,  
‛ I'll give him Pigs of his own Sow:  
‛ Seven 
56 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉—  Butterwenches, which once he  
‛ Himself from Lesbos brought to me,  
‛ Which I, because they were so fine  
‛ And beautiful, chose to be mine.  
‛ All these I'll give him, and beside  
‛ 
57 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.—  Briflebeard's Daughter, his own Bride,  
‛ Which though I took from him in rally,  
‛ I'll swear I ne'er boarded her Galley,  
‛ Id est, to give a bounce or two,  
‛ As 
* 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  Men and Women use to do:  
‛ And here this solemn 
58— 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  Oath I'll swear;  
‛ By Garagantua's monstrous ware,  
‛ And by Pantagruel's huge Tarse,  
‛ And by the foist of mine Are—  
‛ Nay, and I'll swear by that same Od-piece  
‛ Of flesh, hangs dangling in Jove's Codpiece,  
‛ Which being used in Copulation,  
‛ Makes an Heroic propagation;  
‛ Nay, now I'm swearing I don't care,  
‛ If I a thousand more Oaths swear.  
‛ These things at present; but, if we  
‛ Sack Priam's Town by Heaven's decree,  
‛ There let him take what e'er he please,  
‛ His Cabins fill with Bread and Cheese,  
‛ Or such substantial House-provision;  
‛ When we shall make the Spoils division;  
‛ And twenty pretty Whores next Helen,  
‛ The very fairest, Troy do dwell in:  
‛ But if to Argos we arrive,  
‛ He shall, as sure as I'm alive,  
‛ Be made my Son in Law, and share  
‛ An equal love with mine own Heir,  
‛ Mine only Son, the Wag Orestes,  
‛ Who 
59 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  eats and drinks whatever best is.  
‛ I've three Girls brisk as Body-louse,  
‛ Remaining in my well-thatched 
60— 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉  House;  
‛ Rebecca, Susan, Katherine,  
‛ The loveliest Mopsies, e'er were seen;  
‛ These (let him take 'em all together,  
‛ Or which he will, I care not whether,)  
‛ Shan't cost a farthing; rather I  
‛ My Daughters dowry will amplify  
‛ To such a sum, I lay a bet,  
‛ None 
61 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  ever gave his Daughter yet.  
‛ And here's her Portion, I'll unfold  
‛ One Pewter-plate of Guiney-Gold,  
‛ A Cloak, the glory of our House,  
‛ That scarce will entertain a Louse,  
‛ Derived through many a Generation  
‛ From Jove, yet never out of fashion.  
‛ A rare pinckt-Doublet made of Silk,  
‛ As white (all but three spots) as milk;  
‛ Which the rough Courtier, Her'cles, wore,  
‛ When he wooed Omphale, that Wh—  
‛ I had the Breeches too; but they  
‛ Being mortal, now are worn away.  
‛ And truly how could they hold stitch  
‛ Long, against such a thwacking breech,  
‛ As hercules had, which made the Skies  
‛ Themselves to bow, when he did rise.  
‛ A pair of good Stockings to boot,  
‛ Only a little out of foot;  
‛ One pair of Sheets, which on my life  
‛ Were given by Juno to my Wife;  
‛ And seven brave Towns I'll likewise add,  
‛ As special Towns as may be had;  
‛ There's Bernewel (let me see) and Kinton  
‛ The fruitful ground of Cherry-Hinton:  
‛ Cophotia, where your deaf men dwell,  
‛ Nullum, where Honesty men sell;  
‛ Nihil, where Women all are chaste,  
‛ And Amsterdam shall be the last.  
‛ These Towns (d'ye see) may all be found  
‛ Either above, or underground;  
‛ Besides, they're full of folks that will  
‛ Esteem him very highly still;  
‛ And reckon him as good a fellow,  
‛ As Scanderbag or Punchanello,  
‛ Refusing 
62 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  not their Tithes to pay:  
‛ Alderman this I'll give, if he'll but lay  
‛ His 
* Bladders, put so. Passion, by the figure of what do ye call it.  bladders down; let him not be  
‛ Too peremptory, for we see  
‛ The Devil, 
63— 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  because no Prayers move him,  
‛ No gods nor men for guts can love him.  
‛ And let him first make good demeanour,  
‛ Because he knows, I am his 
† 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  Senior.  
‛ And 'cause my 
64— 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  Kingships more than his,  
‛ Or else perhaps I'd first seek Peace:  
‛ For what cared I for Tom, or Ralph,  
‛ Or all the World, if Fame's not safe.  
‛ I'd rather Earth's vast Globe unhoop,  
‛ Than leave Pantofles first to stoop.  
When thus Atrides had come off,  
Nestor, though troubled with the Cough,  
Made shift this Answer to express:  
‛ O flower of perfect Nobleness,  
‛ Thou only bud of Honour's tree,  
‛ (Or else Whoresbud, all's one to me)  
‛ Your 
65 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉—  tokens are so fragrant sweet,  
‛ None would * refuse such dainty meat.  
‛ Then let's the 
66 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉—  cleanest Jips select,  
‛ (Cleanest to show the more respect)  
‛ Whom we may send to ' Achilles' Tent,  
‛ And I'll declare Sans Compliment  
‛ Their Names— (Cough hinders speaking faster)  
‛ First Phoenix, and Achilles Master,  
‛ Then Ajax, than Ulysses' brave,  
‛ These men (though one's a filching knave,  
' Th'other a fool, the third a clown,)  
‛ I judge the fi●e●s; t in the Town:  
But for the Criers (A plague rot 'em)  
Ten groats to one, but I'd forgot 'em,  
There Mr. 
67 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉—  Oddy, an odd man,  
(Like Oddy the Antinomian,  
‛ That in the Learned Town of Cambridge  
‛ Preaches and brawls like Bellman Bambridge,  
‛ For the Good cause, or Zealous fellow.)  
‛ And 
68— 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉—  Broadbatt, of complexion yellow—  
‛ But water bring without delay,  
‛ And cease your chat, while we all pray.  
‛ Offering Jove Water ' steed of Wine,  
‛ That he would favour this design.  
This said, he pleased 'em special well,  
But straight to work the Criers fell;  
And brought fair water, which, when they  
Had washed their hands, they gave away  
For a Drink-offering unto Jove,  
Because they did not Water love;  
And therefore, as we may divine,  
Only themselves did bowze the Wine;  
Which (when they could no drop perceive)  
In moderation they did leave;  
And now more valiant than before,  
Fearless bid 
69 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉—  Porter open door.  
When 
70— 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  Greencoat Hostler Nestor told 'em,  
(Thinking by 
71 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  nods t'instruct and mould 'em)  
A many things, but chief ' Lysses,  
To whom he made some such speech as this is,  
‛ Only to use all means he could,  
‛ To move Achilles for his blood.  
They to the Seashore then repair,  
Making to Neptune a long Prayer;  
And kneeling down far off from Dover,  
They run their Ave Maries over,  
Begging in anguish of their Spirit  
For Thetis (take not their own merit)  
That they without all hurt or danger  
Might mitigate Achilles' Anger;  
But after that these warlike Dons  
Were come to th'Camp of Myrmydons,  
Who first (d'ye think) they found by straying,  
But the great Rogue Achilles, 
72 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  playing  
On an old rotten Fiddle, made  
By a great Artist in his Trade,  
Eetion, 
73 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  whom Achilles slew  
To gain his Fiddle, when 'twas new.  
'twas once well-strung (as men are feigning)  
But now had but one string remaining,  
On which he'd harp perpetually,  
And learn to sing his Ballads by;  
Or if you crossed him in his humour,  
No Injury could raise such tumour.  
'Twould make him puff, and pout, and tear,  
And flownce like Horse of my Lord Mayor;  
And therefore Authors writ, he played  
Only, that's passion might be laid.  
While there 
† 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  Patroclus stood before him,  
Laughing, and making horns at's roaring;  
And 
* 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  to himself cried Ha'— ha'— haw,  
Still watching, lest Achilles saw—  
But our Don Pedro's on proceed.  
While 
† ●lysses called himself Nemo in Poliphemus' Cave. Vid. the Second Part of this, or the Odyss. lib. 9  Nemo doth the Vanguard lead,  
‛ Chills was singing at their entrance  
The Ballad of the London 
74— 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  Apprentice.  
Then they stood near the stout Musician,  
Not doubting of his good condition;  
And clapping him o'th' back full sudden,  
Cried, what's Achilles turned Jack-pudden?  
Achilles something at a stand,  
Leapt from his stool with 
* Harp, a Poetical word for Fiddle.  Harp in hand  
(As some aver) more than a mile:  
If so, he quickly did recoil,  
Else how a Devil should the sense  
Be proved, that just proceeds from hence?  
Then arch 
75 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  Patroclus left his— haw,  
When he these Strangers coming saw;  
Whom gripping by the trusty Paw,  
Achilles kindly thus saluted;  
‛ Your welcome, Sirs, shan't be disputed,  
‛ For you're my Friends, whence you may gather,  
‛ You're all as welcome as my Father.  
‛ Among the Greeks I count you Brothers,  
‛ Although I care not much for th''others.  
This said, Achilles 
76— 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  further treats 'em,  
And in a 
* 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  matted-Chamber, seats 'em  
On wicker-Chairs; cushions of Grease,  
Or Grecian Cushions, which you please,  
All stuck with Pins, (that fashion now  
Would seem a little odd, I trow.)  
Then to Patroclus thus did say,  
‛ Bring the great Pitcher 
77 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉  sans delay,  
‛ And fill it full of Bottle 
78 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉—  Beer,  
‛ And bring a Cup for each man here 
79 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 ,  
' T'avoid all slobbering or infection,  
‛ And bring the best at my direction;  
‛ Be sure you neither spare nor save,  
‛ For they're the lovingest Friends I have.  
Patroclus first brought in for Cheer,  
Tobacco, Candles, Pipes, and Beer;  
And after that, at Friends desire,  
He set a Pipkin 
80 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  on the fire,  
And minced some Mutton in it small,  
With Veal and Pork, and Bread and all.  
Antomedon 
81 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉—  did hold the dish,  
And great Achilles 
82 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  had his wish  
To cut the meat; while sitting nigher  
His friend Patroclus 
83 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  blew the fire.  
Then on the Coals a Gridiron squats,  
And on the Gridiron he broiled Sprats.  
When they were done without least fault,  
He like a Cook the Sprats did salt.  
Then placing on the Table, Bread  
In fine wrought-Baskets, Grace he said;  
While on each Trencher great Pelides,  
(Whose mouth than Billingsgate more wide is,)  
Was pleased to lay an equal share,  
Though something more he meant to spare  
For his own self, which he deserved,  
Because himself at Table served.  
Then, seeing what at bottom stuck,  
‛ Cried, I am content with Pipkin-luck.  
At this— he squats 
84 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  his heavy Bum  
On th' other side the Dining-room,  
Before Ulysses; but the thump  
He gave the form with brawny Rump,  
Made podex stink; which being hot,  
Fired off a clever Volley-shot.  
Then Ajax lifting up his Bowl,  
Cried out, Gramercy foisting Soul.  
Ulysses pledged, and swore, That Fart  
Was token of a valiant heart.  
But Phoenix, if he farts no faster,  
(Said) he would never match his Master.  
This was the Table-talk; but straight  
Achilles interrupts the Chat,  
And bids Patroclus 
85 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  sacrifice  
The rest unto the Deities.  
But had not Jove well-dined that day,  
He might have fasted, Authors say,  
For all the meat Achilles gave him.  
Though he desired him to save him  
Some Cheshire-Cheese, yet he forsooth  
Saved nothing worth Jove's licorish-tooth.  
Thus than they eat, and when they'd done  
(Their Teeth now still) their Tongues should run:  
But first 
* Hence there may be cause to suspect that History, how the Lydians invented Cards in a Famine. Here likewise Chronologers may observe, That this Embassy was about Christmas, and so by conferring may better determine the time when Hector was slain, which hath not a● yet been exactly found— 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  a Pack of Cards was laid  
Upon the Table, so they played  
At Langtre-loo (else Fame's a liar)  
For Pins; but after ventured higher;  
And (that I may not lack a Rhyme)  
Played for a Farthing every time.  
But when their stock was Looked away,  
They huffed, and would no longer play,  
Calling Achilles, Cheat and Gull,  
And Nincompoop, and Hawk-nosed Owl;  
But when they'd scolded bellies full,  
First, Ajax 
86 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  bobbed Phoenix o'th' Nose,  
And he trod on Ulysses' Toes;  
The sign being known, that subtle Rogue  
Filling a bowl, did thus collogue,  
‛ Hail Great Achilles, now I'bserve  
‛ We scarce shall in three hour starve:  
‛ Such plenty, (Jove be thanked and you)  
‛ (Often at home) now here I view.  
‛ Yet 'tis not 
† Especially now his belly was full.  Feasting we much matter,  
‛ But Oh! our eyes run down with water.  
‛ And with sad hearts our Captains whine,  
‛ As fearing Fates have some design  
‛ Against our weal, and Faith we doubt  
‛ Whether our Boats will 'scape this bout,  
‛ Or perish; but should you appear,  
‛ (Your 
* This he speaks softly, or else Achilles had more Nose than Brains to take such a Crowder.  plaguy Nose) we should not fear.  
‛ The Trojans and their strength Auxiliary,  
‛ Have planted so their fierce Artillery,  
‛ Against our Bulwarks, and so near  
‛ Our Camp their Bonfires do appear,  
‛ you'd think both Parties but one Host,  
‛ And they themselves do make their boast.  
‛ That now all 'pedements are 
87— 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  gone,  
‛ They'll fall upon our bones anon.  
‛ Jove so assists the Puppies still,  
‛ And claps them on the back to ill,  
‛ Crying, Go on, brave Boys, I say,  
‛ If Jove's for you, ne'er doubt the Day.  
‛ On which fierce Hector so relies,  
‛ He scorns both Men and Deities.  
‛ And 
88— 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉  staring like a new-stuck Pig,  
‛ Speaks words, and acts things mighty big.  
‛ And (being Hornmad) with direful freaks,  
‛ He vents his furies on the Greeks.  
‛ And only now wishes broad-day,  
‛ Wherein he will (as he doth say)  
‛ Cut off our Lighters Noses, and  
‛ Then fiz their Tail with Firebrand;  
‛ And slaughter at his will the Greeks,  
‛ Being smoked like Onions, or dried Leeks.  
‛ These apprehensions make me quake,  
‛ Jest these foul threats effect should take.  
‛ And so alas! it should prove our fate,  
‛ To die in Troy, when 'tis too late  
‛ Home to return; but Sir, if you  
‛ Will but one favour for us do,  
‛ Rise up and show yourself a man,  
‛ Then let the Rogues do what they can.  
‛ But if too late you chance to aid us,  
‛ And chowse the Trojans that invade us.  
‛ What pleasure will those deadmen do,  
‛ Whose very sight will make one spew?  
‛ When an ill's done, none can prevent it,  
‛ But he's the man that first can stint it.  
‛ Therefore my pretty Bully-rock,  
‛ Advise, how you may soon knock  
‛ Your Foes all down, and drive away  
‛ From Grecian Fleet their fatal day.  
‛ My precious 
* 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  Pippin, sure your Sire  
‛ Did better thoughts that time inspire,  
‛ When from 
89 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉  Pyecorner he did send  
‛ You, Agamemnon to attend.  
‛ Dear Chuck (quoth he) ne'er doubt success,  
‛ Pallas and Juno will express  
‛ Their Love to you; yet make no Riot,  
‛ But keep your surly Spirits quiet.  
‛ Honey you knows sweeter than Gall,  
‛ And Complaisance is loved by all.  
‛ Therefore no strife nor quarrels brew,  
‛ The Devil take you, if you do.  
‛ Thus spoke, the Cuckold, I remember,  
‛ But you forget his Precepts tender.  
‛ And yet, if you will leave your wrath,  
‛ And keep your puffing for your broth,  
‛ Atrides, like a Civil friend,  
‛ Proffers fine Giggumbobs to send;  
‛ And if you will but lend an Ear,  
‛ I'll tell you every word (as near  
‛ As I remember) which he said  
‛ Last night, before he went to bed;  
‛ In presence of this learned Cabal,  
‛ And many Persons more of Quality:— And first before them all  
‛ He promised you 
90 For the Commentaries on this Speech, turn to Agamennon's Oration above, where 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 signifies Silver Thimbles, 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉, Grunting Pigs, 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉, Brislebeard's Daughter, etc.  a quilted Ball;  
‛ And then an Hat with Feather in it,  
‛ And eke a dapple Spanish Jennet;  
‛ Seven jointed Stools, spick and span new,  
‛ And Silver Thimbles, not a few.  
‛ Twenty brass Skellets, which will serve  
‛ To dress your meat, that you mayn't starve.  
‛ Twelve grunting Pigs, will fight for Grains,  
‛ And bring their Masters in much gains;  
‛ That man will never want for store,  
‛ And he dare swear will ne'er be poor,  
‛ Whoever do these Pigs possess,  
‛ So famed for Valour and Success.  
‛ Besides, sometimes (as we were told)  
‛ They may from Dunghills rake up Gold.  
‛ But, if these will not please yòu now,  
‛ He'll give you Pigs of your own Sow.  
‛ Seven Butterwenches, which from Lesbos  
‛ You brought, being Victor at the Crossbows;  
‛ Which he, because so fair he knew them,  
‛ Chose out to do, alias undo, them.  
‛ All these he'll give you, and beside  
‛ Breslebeards Daughter, your own Bride,  
‛ Which though he took from you in rally,  
‛ He'll swear he ne'er boarded her Galley,  
‛ Id est, to give a bounce or two,  
‛ As Men and Women used to do.  
‛ And truly in most solemn habit,  
‛ I think he swore his whole Alph-abet.  
‛ Then thus proceeded; But if we  
‛ Sack Priam's Town by Heaven's decree,  
‛ There you may take what e'er you please,  
‛ Your Cabins fill with Bread and Cheese,  
‛ Or such substantial House-provision;  
‛ When we shall make the Spoils division;  
‛ And twenty Captives you'll enjoy,  
‛ Next Helen, the bouncing'st Jade in Troy.  
‛ But if to Argos you arrive,  
‛ He vows you shall, (as he's alive)  
‛ Be made his Son in Law, and share  
‛ An equal love with his own Heir,  
‛ That young Arch-bastard, Wag Orestes,  
‛ Who eats and drinks whatever best is.  
‛ He'as three Girls, brisk as Body-louse,  
‛ Remaining in his well-thatched House;  
‛ Rebecca, Susan, Katherine,  
‛ The loveliest Mopsies, e'er were seen;  
‛ Those (though you take'um all together,  
‛ Or which you will, he cares not whether)  
‛ Shan't cost a farthing; rather he  
‛ His Daughters dowry will amplify  
‛ To such a sum, he'll lay a bet,  
‛ None ever gave his Daughter yet.  
‛ And here's her Portion, as he told,  
‛ A Pewter-plate of Guiney-Gold,  
‛ A Cloak, the glory of his House,  
‛ That scarce will entertain a Louse,  
‛ (For so it is made by art Magic,  
‛ No Louse comes on't but breaks it neck.)  
‛ And though 'tis brought by old Tradition  
‛ From Jove, 'tis still in good condition.  
‛ Next a pinkt-Doublet, made of Silk,  
‛ As white (all but three spots) as milk,  
‛ Which the blunt Courtier Herc'les wore  
‛ Each day he went to see a Wh—  
‛ A pair of good Stockings to boot,  
‛ Only a little out at foot.  
‛ One pair of Sheets, which on his life  
‛ Were given by Juno to his Wise.  
‛ Nay seven brave Towns he'll likewise add,  
‛ As special Towns as may be had;  
‛ Barnwel the Rogue put first, than Kyn'ton,  
‛ Then the fat fields of Cherry-Hinton.  
‛ Cophotia, where your Deaf men dwell;  
‛ Nullum, where Honesty men sell;  
‛ Nihil, where Women most are chaste,  
‛ And Amsterdam I'm sure was last.  
‛ These Towns, he'll warrant, may be found  
‛ Either above or underground;  
‛ Besides they're full of Clowns, that will  
‛ Esteem you very highly still,  
‛ And reckon you as good a fellow  
‛ As Scanderbag, or Punchanello,  
‛ Refusing not Cherries to pay;  
‛ All these he'll give, if you'll but lay  
‛ Your bladders down; but if so much is  
‛ The passion of your private grudges;  
‛ Yet let the Greeks public Calamity  
‛ Infect 
† Ulysses here is so far from affectation, that he purposely mistakes the word Affect.  your mind with noble clemency;  
‛ Then they (be sure) will cry you up,  
‛ Famous for fight, and eke for Cup.  
▪ And justly too, cause you so well  
▪ Can conquer Foes, and Flagons quell:  
▪ But being tippled well with Nectar,  
▪ You 
91 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉—  cannot miss of mawling Hector;  
▪ For he'd come running to your Nose,  
▪ And call you Dastard, I suppose,  
▪ As often he would do to mad us,  
‛ Come up and fling huge Cow-turds at us▪  
‛ In rage and fury, thinking we  
‛ Should dread those acts of Chivalry.  
Thus spoke the 
92 Saepè dicitur apud Hom.  Many-troped wight,  
But he that better was for 
93 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉—  flight  
Than fight, God-wot, this Answer gave  
‛ Diogenes, 
94 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  to play the Knave.  
‛ Being not honest, I intent,  
‛ Not to equivocate with friend:  
‛ But all my mind in down right sense,  
‛ As I resolved to do long, since  
‛ I hate that man as I hate the 
† 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 etc.  Devil,  
‛ Whoever should be so uncivil  
‛ To speak one thing, another thinking,  
‛ And eke I hate nodding and winking;  
‛ Or any such unlawful means  
‛ That hide men's thoughts, as shells hid Beans.  
‛ Therefore to bring you to conclusion,  
‛ I'll tell you strait my resolution,  
‛ Atride will be an excellent man  
‛ For empiric, if so soon he can  
‛ Move me to fight, when lately ('Slid)  
‛ I had no thanks for what I did.  
‛ I see now, he rewards alike,  
‛ Both them that fly and them that strike;  
‛ And cause himself's a Coward, I ween  
‛ He honour's Cowards, like Warlike men.  
‛ If here they any difference have,  
‛ Be sure they're both alike in Grave;  
‛ For Captains there no longer fight,  
‛ Nor Cowards for fear themselves besh—  
‛ Yet I that won such spoils, of 
95 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉—  gaining,  
‛ Have not one  now remaining;  
‛ Only of Prizes, great and many,  
‛ I now have left but one Mill-penny;  
‛ Although for them I much endured,  
‛ And only was by heels secured.  
‛ Even as a Bitch 
96 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  that feeds her Whelps  
‛ Doth starve herself, while them she helps,  
‛ Thus I have sometime watched all night,  
‛ Drawing Indentures for their right;  
‛ And bloody days in battle past,  
‛ To bring 'em back their Whores at last;  
‛ And with a few small Bean-shell Boats  
‛ Have won twelve Towns worth thrice twelve groats;  
‛ Nay with my Infantry, I think,  
‛ Have made 'leven Trojan Towns to stink,  
‛ And all that ever thence I plundered  
‛ (Not keeping one myself ' ith'hundred)  
‛ I gave Atride, he to content ye,  
‛ Where he gave 
97— 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  one thing, kept back twenty;  
‛ Yet he some Tokens, I conceive,  
‛ For the Knights and Aldermen did leave,  
‛ And they still have them, only I  
‛ Must lose my prize and my Pigsny,  
‛ In whose fine Smock, enwrapped before,  
‛ I used to sleep all night, and snore.  
‛ Pray tell me why the Grecians fight,  
‛ Why did Atrides so excite  
‛ All Greece to War? pray, was it not  
'Cause Paris pissed in's Brother's Pot?  
‛ Was it not Helen to recover,  
‛ And does he think there is no 
98 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  Lover,  
‛ Will fight and huff for's Concubine,  
‛ Besides those two of Atrea's Line?  
‛ I'll warrant there is no such fool,  
‛ But loves his Wench with all his Tool;  
‛ As I for love of her do bleed,  
‛ Though 
— 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  she's a Kitchenwench indeed,  
‛ But now because he's took my prize,  
‛ And plays the Rogue, and tells me Lies;  
‛ Let me not think to coax me so,  
‛ I'll not be gulled twice, will I, no.  
‛ But Master Roger, good Ulysses,  
‛ With you and the Mayors of other Cities,  
‛ Let him consult, and valiantly  
‛ Bethwack the bones of th'Enemy  
‛ (Which I ne'er think he'll bring to pass)  
‛ Or tell him, he may kiss mine Are—  
‛ Without mine help he hath already  
‛ Done many things; first he hath Edified a great Wall of Mortar micle,  
‛ Tempered with Dung and Fasting-spittle.  
‛ And that being guarded by his Beadles,  
‛ He'th made a Trench all stuck with Needles,  
Hobnails, Sparrables, Coblars-Awls,  
‛ Nettles, and Hooks from Butcher-stalls;  
‛ And round the Camp, (oh brave perseverance!)  
‛ He'th made a Moat full of Sir-Reverence,  
‛ Yet all these Warlike 
100 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  preparations  
‛ Cannot resist Hector's Invasions.  
‛ But when I fought 
1— 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  myself, Ai! marry Son,  
‛ Hector durst never leave his Garrison.  
‛ And never did I think much more,  
‛ Than fling out Piss-pots from the door;  
‛ Pelt us sometimes with rotten 
2— 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉  Figs,  
‛ Or Coals to burn our Periwigs.  
‛ One time my scolding proved so tart,  
‛ It vexed the Rogue to th' very heart,  
‛ And made him snatch his Cudgels up  
‛ Vowing revenge 
3 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉  before he'd sup.  
‛ But when he saw no huffs would shake me,  
‛ He * fled, and bid the Devil take me.  
‛ And then for joy I gave a shout  
‛ Though late I looked like any Clout.  
‛ But now because to fight I scorn,  
‛ When Breakfast's done to morrow morn,  
‛ As soon as ever Sluggards peep  
‛ I'll launch my Boats into the deep.  
‛ You'll see them ride on th' Hellespont,  
‛ And men a rowing, as they are wont.  
‛ But, if Winds favour on my worda,  
‛ We'll in Pyecoyner sup the third day.  
‛ There I left many things together,  
‛ When (with a 
4— 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉  Pox) I first came hither;  
‛ But hence my Silver, Gold, and Brass,  
‛ With many an handsome juicy Lass,  
‛ I'll carry home— with all my Copper, and set up a Braziers Shop.  
‛ But that same knave, that gave a thing  
To make the Devil a Gold-ring,  
‛ (Which is a Proverb Poets feign,  
‛ That means to give, and take again.)  
‛ Pray tell that Villain all I say  
‛ Aloud, and plainly at broad-day;  
‛ That all the Grecians may defy him,  
‛ Whoever have been chowsed by him.  
‛ A Brazen Rascal! though he be  
‛ So bold, he dare not look on me.  
‛ Even as he brews so let him bake,  
‛ For I no more his part will take.  
‛ Once on me he hath put a trick,  
‛ But shall no more; Well— well— 
5 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉  Old Nick  
‛ Will once reward him for his pains,  
‛ For Jove hath took away his brains.  
‛ I scorn his gifts, though rich and rare (man)  
‛ And look upon him as a 
6— 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉  Carman.  
‛ Nay, though he gave thirty times more  
‛ Than what he has, or had before,  
‛ Or all the wealth that Orchomene,  
‛ Or the Egyptian Thebes contain,  
‛ In which (as Stories say of old)  
‛ The Chamber-floors are paved with Gold,  
‛ Diamonds are there no precious gems,  
‛ But lie like Pebbles in the Thames.  
‛ This City hath an hundred Gates,  
‛ Embossed about with costly Plates,  
‛ And each one hath two hundred Warriors,  
‛ (That learn to ride and fight at Barririours)  
‛ Nay, though his Presents should exceed  
‛ The numerous Vermin he doth breed;  
‛ Yet I shan't love Agamemnon  
'Till to black Harry he be gone.  
‛ But for Atrides greasy Daughter,  
‛ she'll hardly make my Chaps to water.  
‛ No,— though as chaste as Venus she,  
‛ As rank a Scold as Xantip-pe;  
‛ Yet I'll not have her, let him take  
‛ Some tattered Rogue his Son to make;  
‛ For if I e'er my Country see,  
‛ My Dad himself shall marry me;  
‛ For about Snowhil and those quarters,  
‛ And near Pyecorner, good men's Daughters  
‛ There are, some 
7 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  Alderman's, and others  
‛ Whose Sires are 'Squires, Whores their Mothers.  
‛ Of these the prettiest I will take,  
‛ And her my fitting 
8— 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  Doxy make;  
‛ Fitting ('cause, as they love Mankind,  
‛ So I to Women am inclined.)  
‛ Thus we two, jig and jowl together,  
‛ Will live on what's left by my Father;  
‛ For troth I think it no good Polity  
‛ To die in Troy, and leave this jollity;  
‛ And 
9 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  faith I count my life worth more  
‛ Than ever London was before  
‛ The Fire; and have more pleasure in't  
‛ Than all th' Exchequer, or the Mint.  
‛ For lose an 
10 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉  Ox, Horse, Sheep, and yet  
‛ You may again those Creatures get;  
‛ Nay you may, when you lose a 
* 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉—  Stool,  
‛ Find it again, if you're no fool:  
‛ But lose your life, and I dare swear,  
‛ When once it's whisked into the Air  
‛ You'll ne'er regain it; though, when you're dead,  
‛ You search (like 
11 The story may be seen at large in Cambridge Jests, which may be Achilles was versed in, to drive away his solitude.  Carpenter) for head.  
‛ My Mother, when I did importune,  
‛ Being a Witch, once told 
12 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉—  my fortune,  
‛ That of two fates I should have choice,  
‛ And thus she strained her squeaking voice;  
‛ If you go to the Wars at Troy,  
‛ There is no remedy, my Boy,  
‛ But you must die; whence you may gather,  
‛ You'll ne'er go home to see your Father.  
‛ Which must be true I'll lay a flagon,  
' 'Cause Mars is in a fiery Trigon.  
‛ But if you quarrel with no Trojan,  
‛ But homeward to your Country budgeon,  
‛ Then I by Magic can relate,  
‛ You will go home in spite of Fate.  
‛ But Homer then shall never know ye,  
‛ And so no Fame at all bestow ye;  
‛ And yet your lack of Fame shall be  
‛ Rewarded in an high degree  
‛ By a long-life, because you shall  
‛ (If you ne'er die) not die at all.  
‛ This is as sure as any Club,  
‛ (Jove keeps the Prophecy in's fob)  
‛ As Astrologer-heads suppose,  
' 'Cause Saturn now doth Mars oppose,  
' 'Cause Mercury's an Independent,  
‛ And Sol the ruler of th' Ascendant;  
‛ And Venus (one that so much known is)  
‛ Is Dildoed by Cauda Draconis—  
‛ Which signifies, one way or other,  
‛ All these great things foretold by Mother.  
‛ This is the real cause, my Friends,  
‛ Why I won't fight, even mine own ends.  
‛ And I would likewise counsel you  
‛ To be as wise as I am too,  
‛ And homewards sail; for all your powers  
‛ Will ne'er shake Iliam's Pasteboard Towers;  
‛ Jove doth the People so uphold,  
‛ And makes them every day more bold.  
‛ But good men Dories, I exhort  
‛ You to your Greek Lords would resort,  
‛ And tell 
13 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉—  you Message, adding yet  
‛ The Messengers are all besh—  
‛ (Be that 
14— 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  an honour fit for Jips)  
‛ And tell 'em they may gather Chips,  
‛ If they no better can devise  
‛ To save their stinking meat from Flies;  
‛ For sure, confounded dull they be,  
‛ To think their Gifts can alter me.  
‛ Well, Sirs, good night— but Phoenix may  
‛ Lodge here, that at the break of day  
‛ We may sail home; I'll not compel,  
‛ But if hel'l go with us, 'tis well. 
[1000]   
This said, the rest like Fish stood mute,  
Knowing 'twas folly to dispute;  
Or else they had no Logic read,  
Or Fear had made them almost dead;  
But th' Old man Phoenix with Sore-eyes  
Seeming to 
15 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉—  weep, at last did rise,  
And thus in doleful manner speaks,  
(Being it seems sworn friend to Greeks)  
‛ If then, Achilles, you prepare  
‛ For home, pray travel through the Air.  
‛ By Land you cannot, and by Sea  
‛ Sure you'll not go, deserting me—  
‛ Yes, but you'll go— and don't intent;  
‛ The Boats from burning to defend,  
‛ Because such wrath burns in your mind,  
‛ And I forsooth must stay behind,  
‛ How can you 
16 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  Child, find in your heart  
‛ From your old Pedagogue to part,  
‛ Whom your noun Dad unto you sent  
‛ That day you with Atrides went.  
‛ Went like a 
17 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉  fool, for you knew nothing,  
‛ But just to put on your own Clothing.  
‛ You little knew the 
* 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  Warlike fashion,  
‛ And scarce could make a 
† 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉—  Declamation,  
'Till I showed you by Topics right,  
‛ How to make Speeches, and to fight.  
‛ And taught you many Arts and Tricks,  
‛ As Grammar, Tacticts, Politics;  
‛ Then Cards, with Fox and Geese, and then  
‛ The Science of Legerdemain;  
‛ In which, because you had small wit,  
‛ I'll not 
18 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉  so soon forsake you yet.  
‛ No, though some Deity 
* 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉  would swear,  
‛ He would my dancing-days repair,  
‛ And make me such a sanguine Lad  
‛ As when through Greece I run from Dad,  
‛ (Scolding Amyntor, that 
19— 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  Whoremaster)  
‛ I think the Devil could scarce run faster,  
‛ But 'cause you ne'er have heard the story,  
‛ If you'll attend here I have't for ye.  
‛ Once on a season (to be short)  
‛ My Father kept a Whore for sport;  
‛ And so my Mother quite neglected,  
‛ For he the other Whore respected.  
‛ But then my Mother 'mong hard stones,  
‛ Fell down upon her Marrowbones;  
‛ And 
20— 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  begged that I, (she knew I had 'em)  
‛ Would give a clap unto this Madam,  
‛ She was a pretty Girl, 'tis truth,  
‛ In flower of beauty and of youth;  
‛ And thereupon I ne'er denied it,  
‛ But having won her, quickly did it.  
‛ My Dad renewing his old knocks,  
‛ Now being ancient, got the P—  
‛ And soon perceiving his condition  
‛ He swore he'd be the Maid's perdition,  
‛ If she concealed her secrets longer:  
‛ Than she confessed, 'twas I that wronged her.  
‛ I heard at Stair-foot all she said,  
‛ And softly then advanced my head;  
‛ Where he though pissing soon beheld me,  
‛ And almost with the Pisspot felled me.  
‛ But when he saw me 'scape that bout,  
‛ In direful Curses he burst out;  
‛ Invoked Hell, Fiends, 
21 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  Furies together,  
‛ And wished my Testicles might whither;  
‛ That none might from Man Tomas spring,  
' 'Cause he had done so foul a thing.  
‛ But Pluto and damned Proserpina,  
‛ Deaf to good Prayers, did soon incline  
‛ To all his devilish Curses, and  
‛ I never since could make it st—  
‛ The thought whereof so troubled me,  
‛ That every where I seemed to see  
‛ The Ghost of Bob with dreadful visage,  
‛ To threaten me for its hard usage.  
‛ One time I dreamed, a multitude  
‛ Of Maids and Women we pursued;  
‛ Like Thracian Tom-boys, who did tear  
‛ Orpheus, because he'd cut off's Ware  
‛ In hate of female Venery,  
‛ E'er since he'd lost Eurydice.  
‛ And truly they had torn me too,  
‛ If I had not got a Dildoe;  
‛ Which 'cause I was so slight a Dogger,  
‛ Methought they took it for true Roger.  
‛ 
* These Verses in Greek, though they are rejected by Aristarchus, as of bad Example, you shall find in Plut. de audiend. Poet. beginning thus, 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉, etc.  Next Morn I thought it no great matter,  
‛ If I should kill th'Old fornicator;  
‛ But that in midst of furious scope  
‛ I looked at th'end and saw a— Rope.  
‛ Then 
22 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉—  how to fly I cast about,  
‛ But Friends would ne'er let me go out;  
‛ But used me very well, it should seem,  
‛ With Sugar-sops, with Curds and Cream,  
‛ Cordials, and Diar-bread and Figs,  
‛ And Gingerbread, and Cakes and Whigs.  
‛ Thinking perhaps with such choice diet  
‛ To stop my mouth, and make me quiet;  
‛ And ever, when I had well fed,  
‛ Twelve Maids conducted me to Bed.  
‛ Thus I nine nights was forced to sleep,  
‛ Whilst they by turns 
23 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉—  strict watch did keep.  
‛ And all the while there stood a Torch  
‛ At 
24— 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  Chamber-door, ' nother in Porch;  
‛ But for all this on the tenth night,  
‛ The Maids being gone, it seems, to should—  
‛ I dressed myself, and in a sury  
‛ Broke op' the Doors, I will assure ye,  
‛ And Bread and Cheese with other food-in  
‛ My pockets crammed, and some Black-pudden;  
‛ Then leaping o'er the Garden-wall  
‛ I scaped the Men, and Maids and all.  
‛ There, through the Country I did creep  
‛ Unto 
25 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  Pyecorner famed for Sheep;  
‛ Where the Cook Peleus took me in,  
‛ And said that I was of his Kin.  
‛ Much of me as his Son he made,  
‛ And kindly taught me all his Trade.  
‛ And when that I was better grown,  
‛ He gave to me a Shop of m'own;  
‛ Where I lived in Cook- Laurels Art  
‛ Betwixt the 
26— 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  Dolphin and the Hart;  
‛ And there my Child I nurtured thee  
‛ And loved, because thou lov'dst me;  
‛ And never couldst endure a seat  
‛ With any, but myself at meat.  
‛ Nor would a standing-Stool serve thee,  
‛ But thou must sit upon my knee;  
‛ And dandled there, I must forsooth  
‛ Adapt each Morsel to thy Tooth;  
‛ But yet to tell you, Sir, the truth,  
‛ After your Guts full well were crammed,  
‛ Your Belly-sluce being unrammed  
‛ Out would the morsels fly amain,  
‛ And to the Plates retire again.  
‛ Nay, and sometimes taking a nap,  
‛ You'd spew a Gallon 
27 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  in my lap.  
‛ All this I've overgone for you,  
‛ And many other hardships too.  
‛ Hoping, because I had no Child,  
‛ That you (but lo! how I'm beguiled)  
‛ Should be the Heir to my possessions,  
‛ And take my part on all occasions.  
‛ Dear ' Chills therefore cease your ire,  
‛ The gods themselves (I am no Liar)  
‛ Though sometimes vexed with Mortal men,  
‛ Are very quickly friends again.  
‛ And gods are better (sure) than you,  
‛ And of more fame and virtue too.  
‛ Yet men with Vows, Spanish Tobacco 
28 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉—   
‛ Good meat, and other things they lack-o.  
‛ May all their fury mitigate;  
‛ Nay, though a man prevaricate.  
‛ If he but prays for absolution  
‛ They'll give it him without delusion;  
‛ For Prayers from Jove derive their race,  
‛ Lame 
29 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  Jades with Pockholes in their face;  
‛ With furrowed Cheeks and purblind Eyes,  
‛ Yet heal all mischief, whence they rise;  
‛ Mischief's 
30 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉—  a lusty strapping Lass,  
‛ So nimble, she doth Prayers surpass  
‛ In running, skips ye here and there,  
‛ Still brooding Trouble every where.  
‛ But if Prayers follow, then be sure,  
‛ What ever wound was made, they cure,  
‛ And heal the hurt Offenders have  
‛ With Chamber-lye and Pilgrim-salve;  
‛ Salt-liquor of their goggle Eyes,  
‛ And other wondrous remedies.  
‛ Now they love men of good Conditions,  
‛ And always grant 'em their Petitions:  
‛ But when Folks obstinate remain,  
‛ They to their Grandsire Jove complain;  
‛ And pray that he would mischief send 'em,  
‛ That by foul means he may amend 'um.  
‛ Then Sir John' Chills done't deny  
‛ To honour Prayers (Joves Progeny)  
‛ Who when they do a good man see,  
‛ Who knows not their deformity,  
‛ ('Cause good men usually are 
* 'Tis thought Homer spoke this for his own sake.  blind)  
‛ Are ne'er denied a favour kind.  
‛ Had now Atrides sent me store  
‛ Of Presents, nor had promised more;  
‛ But had he still with wrath been fired,  
‛ I should not then have you desired  
‛ To cool your Passion, nor to help  
‛ The Greeks for love of such a Whelp.  
‛ But since that he hath sent you some  
‛ Gifts, and hath promised more to come;  
‛ Nay, and hath sent the best 
31 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  Lolpoops  
‛ Selected from the Grecian Troops.  
‛ Humbly t'implore you, such, I say,  
‛ With whom, when young, you used to play.  
‛ Let not their Speech and Journey too  
‛ Prove vain; then none shall e'er blame you  
‛ For former Pettishness, but be  
‛ Glad for this present Courtesy.  
‛ And now I think on't I can tell  
‛ Stories of Hero's that befell;  
‛ When, though in Passion they were witty,  
‛ And for great Bribes were moved to pity.  
‛ But one, I never shall forget,  
‛ Which my Old Granny would repeat,  
‛ When in her turn she told a Tale  
‛ In Christmas time o'er Pot of Ale.  
‛ And thus the business, Sir, was wrought,  
‛ The 
32 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉—  Cowards and the Wittols fought  
‛ Near Haledon, till on each side  
‛ Alderman that were slain, in Battle died.  
‛ The Wittols Caledon defended;  
‛ Cowards to burn it down intended.  
‛ And thus the quarrel did begin;  
‛ Diana for Old Oeneus' sin  
‛ (For at the time of Sacrifice  
‛ He gave to all the Deities;  
‛ But as for poor Diana, she  
‛ Can not obtain from him her Fee.  
‛ Whether he did forget 
33 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  profoundly,  
‛ Or would not give, he paid for't sound)  
‛ For this, I say, being vexed at guts,  
‛ A Boar into his ground she puts;  
‛ Who rend up Trees, devoured his fruits,  
‛ And spoiled a pair of Oeneus' Boots.  
‛ Against this Boar stout Meleager  
‛ Went, with a 
* This story Homer hath a little otherwise; but this being found in the Vatican, among Meleager's M. S. which he might confess at his death, I take it to be more authentic here.  Pistol and a Dagger;  
‛ And dogging him about, at last  
‛ Locked him in's Father's Stable fast.  
‛ Then to the door our Warrior comes,  
' ' Tempting the Boar with both his Thumbs.  
‛ Boar, in revenge of such a scoff,  
‛ Ne'er doubted now to by't 'em off.  
‛ And so snaps at 'em, he ne'er lingers,  
‛ But claps in Pistol 'stead of fingers.  
‛ Off went the pop, but you may guests  
‛ The Boar ne'er eat so hot a mess;  
‛ And therefore feeling belly grumble  
‛ Kicked up his heels, and began to tumble.  
‛ He knowing dead-Dogs will not grin,  
‛ With Tuck in hand boldly went in.  
‛ And then he said he killed the Boar,  
‛ Though, as I showed, 'twas done before.  
‛ He therefore now doth tear his Breeches,  
‛ And almost cracks his Twattling stitches.  
‛ Sprinkling himself with blood of Foe,  
‛ And vapouring thus, to th' rest doth go,  
‛ Whom he had left a League behind,  
‛ (Waiting till he the Beast might find)  
‛ And shows his Breeches and the gore,  
‛ All which he swears was done by Boar:  
‛ But then to show how well he sped,  
‛ From under Cloak he pulls the Head;  
‛ And told the Folks, how void of fears  
‛ They now might shake the Boar by th' Ears.  
‛ In short, the quarrel here 
34 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉—  was bred  
‛ About the Boar, and's rotten Head;  
‛ The Wittols said, the Skin was meant  
‛ To be the Coward's Tegument.  
‛ To whom the Cow'rds replied again,  
'T was well for them the Boar was slain;  
' 'Cause from his Head they might by stealth  
‛ Pick Brains, for use of Commonwealth.  
‛ These words forerunners were of blows,  
‛ Whence both these Parishes proved foes.  
‛ Now to the story; While Meleager  
‛ Did in this battle fight and swagger,  
‛ The Cowards ever went to rack,  
‛ And though full many, still gave back.  
‛ But when Meleager began great scuffles,  
‛ And needs would stand on his Pantofles,  
‛ (This mischief all from Choler risen)  
‛ He gave great 'vantage to his Foes.  
‛ For being vexed at Mother's strife,  
‛ He kept within doors with his Wife;  
‛ Fair Maid, the Daughter of 
35 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉—  Marepiss,  
‛ And Grandaughter, if I don't miss,  
‛ To Gammer 
36— 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  Evans, and old Ide,  
‛ Who when he was alive defied  
‛ The stoutest Cudgel-play'rs, and could  
‛ Shoot with a Bow like Robin Hood.  
‛ Who for a Wench 
37— 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  being vexed at guts  
‛ Beat 
† 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉—  Pheebe † ' polo at the Butts.  
‛ This was her Grandsire; but in fine  
‛ Her Parents called her 
38 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉—  Magdaline,  
‛ Because her Mother grievously  
‛ Did like Madge Owlet weep, and cry  
‛ To-hoot— to-hoo, when Phoebus swore,  
‛ And did by force make her an Wh—  
‛ With her Meleager lay in bed.  
‛ Being vexed at Mother, as was said;  
‛ Because she made a deadly pother  
‛ When he had only slain his Brother.  
‛ He did no other harm at all,  
‛ Yet she was mad for thing so small:  
‛ And therefore 
39 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  stamping on the ground,  
‛ A thousand times she called him Hound;  
‛ And on her knees did mildly pray  
‛ The Devil would take her Son away.  
‛ Besides, whenever he came in  
‛ She'd strait her scolding Cue begin;  
‛ And evermore 'midst Curses fell  
‛ She'd fairly wish him sent to Hell. 
[1300]   
‛ But at this time their 
40 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  towers were ready  
‛ To fall, at least they stood not steady;  
‛ For why the Coward's Brickbats threw  
‛ Against the Walls and Flint-stones too.  
‛ So that they lay at Rack and Manger;  
‛ But in the midst of all this danger,  
‛ The Wittols sent their Priests and Sages  
‛ To 
41— 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  promise Meleager wages,  
‛ Twenty times more than formerly,  
‛ If he would take the pains to die.  
‛ (For why Foe feared him much 'tis true,  
‛ Since he the Boar so stoutly slew)  
‛ They promised him a pretty piece  
‛ Of ground, as any was in Greece;  
‛ Which they affirmed to be as good  
‛ As that where Pannyer-Alley stood.  
‛ On 
42 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  half whereof young Crabs were set,  
‛ But th' other half bore nothing yet.  
‛ Besides his Father coming once  
‛ Had a foul fall upon the Stones,  
‛ And with his fall the whole house shook 
43 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉— ,  
‛ Yet for all this he courage took,  
‛ And humbly did implore his Son  
‛ To help; but nothing could be done.  
‛ Then Brethren begged, and that cursed Wh—  
‛ His Mother; but he denied the more;  
‛ Nay every School-fellow and Friend did,  
‛ But none his resolution bended.  
'Till he saw 
44 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  his own Windows broke,  
‛ And th' Town even now in flames to smoke.  
‛ Then's Wife it seems for her own sake,  
‛ Chief to him this speech did make;  
‛ Husband, the time's now come you'll see,  
‛ Those plaguy things foretold by me,  
‛ Which unto conquered Cities happen,  
‛ No Gentleman must put his Cap on.  
‛ The Meats that in our Cupboards lie  
‛ Are made a prey to th'Enemy.  
‛ The Houses are possessed by flames;  
‛ But then the Matrons and the Dames  
‛ Are made a prey to their 
* She stuttered, that's all.  Pri— pride;  
‛ Nay, they abuse the Boys beside.  
‛ But that which most of all I fear,  
‛ These Cow'rds like Danes will domineer.  
‛ He heard no more 
45 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉—  but left his place,  
‛ And all with Soot besmeared his face.  
‛ Huge Horns he fastened on his head,  
‛ And made his  all over red;  
‛ Then to his Are— a Tail he ties,  
‛ But needs not to enlarge his eyes.  
‛ (For they to use a Phrase of Chaucer's,  
‛ Were hugeous ones, and glared like Saucers.)  
‛ Then on high Stilts (so goes the Fable)  
‛ He walks, to be more formidable.  
‛ In Left hand he bore Wildfire bright,  
‛ And a huge smoking T— in's Right.  
‛ And thus accountred he arose,  
‛ Though single, daring all his Foes.  
‛ The Cowards saw this monstrous Evil,  
‛ And cried, Alack! here comes the Devil.  
‛ And crying so, as who should say  
‛ Devil take last, run all away;  
‛ But only one was left behind  
‛ Whom he with T— had stricken blind.  
‛ Lo! thus his Passion he laid down  
‛ And saved both Wittols and the Town;  
‛ Though they ne'er gave his promised sum,  
‛ Because at first he would not come.  
‛ This Tale's for your instruction penned,  
‛ Oh! therefore do not you intent  
‛ After the Boats are burnt to fight,  
‛ But come while Gifts do you invite.  
‛ That Greeks with wont flatteries  
‛ May raise your Coxcomb to the Skies;  
‛ But if you fight 
46 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  without your wages,  
‛ You'll be called fool by Sculls and Pages.  
‛ Thus spoke the Reverend Pedagogue;  
‛ But oh! y'ill mannered 
*— 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉—  well fed Rogue  
‛ (Achilles answered) Fame I scorn,  
‛ Jove will in time exalt my horn  
‛ At his own will; which doth detain  
‛ Me hear and shall, while guts remain;  
‛ (Which I pray Heaven may be long)  
‛ But now I'll sing another Song;  
‛ Pray leave your whining and your crying,  
‛ That Whelp Atrides gratifying.  
'Tis not your duty to take care  
‛ How such a Puppie's matters are;  
‛ For if you are so kind to him,  
‛ I'll tear your Carcase limb from limb.  
‛ Don't you know how it you behoves, Sir,  
‛ To love him whom your Master loves, or  
‛ To hate him whom your Master hates,  
‛ As th' only cause of these debates?  
‛ Come, you shall now board with me here,  
‛ And o'er my 
47 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉—  Servants domineer.  
‛ But these same Shack-bags shall anon, Sir,  
‛ Go back t' Atrides with mine Answer.  
‛ To Night you shall yourself confine  
‛ In a good 
48 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉—  Featherbed of mine;  
‛ And we'll consult at Break of day  
‛ Whether we'd best to go or stay.  
At this he gave a Nod with's head  
To th' Jip, to make Phoenix his bead,  
And said 'twas Twelve by Dial-Lunar,  
Hoping his Guests would 
49— 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  go the sooner;  
Although it was not much past Eight,  
Or at the most not near so late.  
When Ajax, Telemon's stout Lad,  
Some such Expostulation had:  
‛ Diogenes 
50 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  my Friend Ulysses,  
‛ I ne'er saw such a Clown as this is;  
‛ If we such Tattle longer hold,  
‛ Twenty to one our Broth proves cold.  
‛ Seeing all endeavours are but vain,  
‛ Pray let us even go back again.  
‛ If we don't hasten, without doubt  
‛ This News will in Gazettes come out.  
' 'Tis therefore best, that 
51— 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  first we carry  
‛ The News, though bad (and never tarry)  
‛ Unto our Friends and dear Acquaintance,  
‛ Who sit like Men (but very faint ones)  
‛ Expecting all till we come home.  
‛ Mean while Achilles, that Coxcomb,  
‛ Swelling with anger and vexations,  
‛ Forgets his Friends and near Relations.  
‛ Hardhearted thing! Some I have known,  
‛ For death of Brother, or of Son,  
‛ Having 'gainst Murderer entered Action,  
‛ Did at the last take satisfaction;  
‛ And murderer still his 
52 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  Lease did hold,  
‛ Having redeemed his neck with Gold;  
‛ But th''others Anger was abated,  
‛ And wrath with bribes was mitigated.  
‛ But you for one unlucky Jade 
53 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.   
‛ Have a most horrid pother made;  
‛ And on no terms will yield t'agree,  
‛ Though we'll give seven better than she;  
‛ And other things besides of value.  
‛ But now, dear Cousin, no longer dally,  
‛ Give us respect as persons sent  
‛ By all the Grecians to your Tent;  
‛ And who would fain be thought the most  
‛ Friendly to you of all the Host.  
Achilles then with Cap in hand Sir,  
Fleering at Ajax, gave this Answer;  
‛ Kind old Acquaintance, Man of might,  
‛ Methinks what you have spoke is right;  
‛ But oh! I am filled with many Troubles,  
‛ And all my Passion boils and bubbles.  
‛ And my Welch-blood flies in my Face,  
‛ When I but think on that disgrace  
‛ Atrides laid upon me that time,  
‛ As if I could not easily fat-him!  
‛ But for your parts you may go home  
‛ And say, I ne'er intent to come  
‛ In Martial guise, for Greece to fight,  
'Till Hector, that same swaggering Knight,  
‛ Beats up my 
54 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉—  Soldier's quarters, and  
‛ Knocks down his Foes, that they can't stand,  
‛ And makes their Lighters light with fire;  
‛ But though he comes so nigh or nigher,  
‛ As soon as e'er my force he feels,  
‛ I'll warrant you, he'll show his heels.  
This said, they all to part risen up,  
But first took 
55 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉—  farewell of the Cup;  
And, having done, for malice they  
(When all was out) fling the'rest away.  
Though it was 
56 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉—  Spiced and Sugard too;  
Then having now no more to do,  
Away they truged jostling 'gainst Wall;  
But ' Lysses he went first of all.  
Patroclus, when these Guests were gone,  
Bad Maids make Phoenix's Bed anon.  
They straight 
57 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  obeyed, and laid on clean  
Sheets, Pillow, Rug, and Blanket green.  
And there our Gaffer snoring lay  
From Nine a Clock until broad-day:  
But stout Achilles 
58 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  on a Bench  
Lay all Night tumbling with his Wench,  
Phorbas his Daughter, Moll the pretty,  
Which he had stole from Lesbos City.  
And 
59 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  vile Patroclus too (for both  
Were Birds of feather I'll take Oath)  
With Susan lay in Truckle-bed,  
And there on pleasures Oysters fed;  
Her formerly Achilles (knowing  
His Friend like him would fain be doing)  
Did freely give, having subdued  
The potent Town of Barnwell rude.  
But after these Legates the latere  
Were come into Atrides 
60 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  Buttery;  
The Greeks, whose Manners did not fail,  
Gave them a 
61— 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  plate or two of Alc;  
And catching each by Bawdy-fist,  
Cried, Sirs, you're welcome, pray how is't?  
But first the King himself thus spoke,  
‛ Ulysseses, (but a Seat first take)  
‛ Tell's truly, does Achilles prove  
‛ Civil, and entertain my love?  
‛ Or does he still damn, curse and roar,  
‛ And vent his Passion as before?  
‛ To whom Ulysses thus replied,  
‛ Atrides' famed both far and wide,  
‛ This fellow is a  Creature,  
‛ And rather now 
62— 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉—  his Passion's greater.  
‛ He scorns you and your gifts, he says,  
‛ And bids you try all lawful ways  
‛ To keep your paltry Boats from burning,  
‛ And he, he swears to morrow Morning,  
‛ As soon as Sluggards use to peep  
‛ Will launch his Boats into the deep;  
‛ And then began us to advise,  
‛ And others too, to be as wise,  
‛ As he imagines his Coxcomb:  
‛ In short, he would advise us home.  
‛ For we (he swore thorough and thorough)  
‛ Should never take this Trojan Borough:  
‛ For Jove of Trojan Squadrons is Chief,  
‛ And stirs 'em daily up to mischief.  
‛ Thus much he swore, I'll take my Oath;  
‛ But if you'll not believe my troth,  
‛ Here are as honest 
63— 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  men, as live,  
‛ Can better Information give,  
‛ Ajax, and both the loud-lunged Criers;  
‛ But Gaffer Phoenix (we're no Liars)  
‛ Being fuddled 've left there a Bed  
‛ Spuing, and very light of head;  
‛ If he will go with 'em 'tis well;  
‛ But ' Chills swears, he'll not compel.  
Thus spoke the subtle Knave Ulysses,  
But all the rest stood mute as Fishes;  
Not knowing what to say that stound,  
For he was plaguy 
64 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  cross they sound.  
But straight the 
* 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  bawling-whelp Tydides'  
Thus boldly spoke to Goodman Trides.  
‛ O Agamemnon, Lord o'th'Host!  
‛ I wished, that I had ruled the roast;  
‛ Then you should ne'er t' Achilles' sent  
‛ These Fools, with such a Compliment;  
‛ For now the Villain sees we lack him,  
‛ The thoughts whereof will prouder make him;  
‛ And if he vapoured so before,  
‛ Now he will vapour ten times more.  
‛ But let him hang, or drown or rot  
‛ All's one to me, Faith I care not.  
' IT will mad him much, to see us scoff him,  
‛ Therefore let's take no notice of him;  
‛ But now prepare, as I would have't,  
‛ Our hungry Maws to satiate 
65— 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉— ,  
‛ And dust it hard (without this do)  
‛ Drink 
66— 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉  makes men wise and valiant too.  
‛ But when the Blew-nosed morn appears  
‛ We'll fall about the Trojans ears;  
‛ Setting our 
67— 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  Horsemen and Redcoats  
‛ In the forefront to guard the Boats;  
‛ And th'rest shall follow, having got  
‛ Both Powder, Match and Musquet-shot:  
‛ And pray no more most Martial wight,  
‛ Do you yourself go 
68— 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  last to fight.  
‛ At this they all clapped Paws and shouted,  
‛ Wondering at saying so redoubted;  
‛ And when they'd all well 
69 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  fuddled Nose,  
‛ With sleep they did their Saucers close;  
‛ But Chiefs were hard at Venus' game,  
‛ While Commons only dreamed the same.   
FINIS.   

Deuteripideuteron: THE SECOND PART OF THE Second Part OF HOMER ALAMODE.  
Or, A MOCK-POEM ON The Ninth Book OF THE ODYSSES.  
LONDON, Printed in the Year, 1681.   

TO THE READER.  

AFter that of the Iliads read this of the Odysseys,  
And see, whether more grateful, or whether more Modish is;  
But if neither do please you, as I'll hardly swear it,  
When 've read it quite o'er and dislike it, forbear it.  
For he that rejects any Book without reading,  
Shows more Malice than Prudence, more Humour than Breeding.    

THE Prefashion.  

ULysses you must understand  
Sailing by Water, not by Land,  
From a fair Lady called Calipsie,  
Which in plain English was a Gipsy;  
Sailing, I say, was on a sudden  
Snatched from the very Helm he stood in,  
By his Foe Neptune's Sergeant- Tritons;  
Into whose hands when he did light once,  
He was so dowsed and soused and beaten,  
He looked like one that had been eaten;  
Because they did not him empannel,  
But ducked him like a Water-Spaniel.  
That being tossed about i'th'Ocean  
Some eight and forty hours' motion,  
Sea-sick and naked, he was cast  
On the Phoenician Land at last.  
Here one Alcinous reigned, whose Sceptre  
And Crown, and Robes and Court was kept here.  
Imagine now our man of Fame  
In this King's house; but how he came  
Thither, in troth you may go look,  
For I'll not tell you in this Book:  
But only how, when once they'd dined,  
The King and Queen had both a mind  
To hear his story, and condition,  
E'er since Troy taken by the Grecian.  
And hereupon our Knight Ulysses  
Began story in such form as this is—  
But hold, I'll give you first the sum,  
Then to the Speech itself I'll come.    

THE Ergo-ment.  

ULysses in this Book gins  
A story of those Woes he reckons,  
Were heaped upon him for his sins,  
And first how he was catch by th' Cicons.  
And then he tells a cursed Lie  
Of People, that by smell do live (hum!)  
Then to the Cyclops he do high  
And shows what welcome he did give 'um.  
And how for eating up, unkindly  
Six of his Men, he poked his Eye out;  
And how this Giant groping blindly  
About the Cave, let them all fly out.    

ANOTHER Argument.  

THE sum in these three words you'll find,  
Cicons, Lotophagios, Cyclops blind.  
Reader, if these Contents content you,  
Now with the Chapter we present you.    

A MOCK-POEM Upon the Ninth Book OF HOMER's ODRSSES.  

THen having 
* A Custom of Orators.  hawked and wiped his Nose,  
Ulysses did this Speech compose;  
O thou renowned Duke Alcinous,  
Of all men living the most generous!  
I vow it likes me to the very heart  
To hear your Fiddler play with merry heart.  
Who likewise doth in Fiddling pass-so-well,  
The Devil himself 
1 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉. Dii Gentilium Daemons.  I think plays scarceso-well.  
And Faith 'twould be a very fine-thing  
(If Commonwealths were of my coining)  
For all the People in the Town  
To pass their Flagons up and down,  
And all the Madams in the City  
To sit and sing their Bastard's Ditty.  
In the mean time I'd have 
2 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉  each Table  
To be as thick as  'twas able  
With all the Rarities that mightbe,  
Which in my mind would a brave sight-be.  
And then I'd have the Drawer 
3 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉. Namina Grantiacis dudum, benè not a Poetis.  Allestry,  
And the Dutch Puff-cheeks too as well-ashe,  
About the Table waiting stand  
With an huge Gallon-pot in hand;  
Which every one, till he was weary,  
Should drink in's turn full of Canary.  
'Tis to be hoped the Turk or Russian  
Will sometime bring up such a fashion;  
Which, if it had been up before  
Such sad 
† Conundrum signifies a Deboist, or a Crowder, which is a figurative word for a Mischance.  Conundrums, and so sore  
I ne'er had felt, which have befel-me,  
And which I now intent to tell-ye.  
Though the memory of them, ten to one  
Will break my heart, and then I'm gone.  
Yet what a 
4 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉,  Loggerhead am I,  
When for my guts I can't descry  
Aught of my story head or tail?  
But quickened by this draught of Ale,  
(And then he rumbled down a Flaggin)  
I'll thus begin without all braggin.  
And first (A-hum!) I were to blame  
If I should longer hid my Name 
* This may serve for a pretty good reason, A-hum. ,  
Because 'tis just oh Alcinous,  
As we know you, so you should know us.  
Then after many dangers dire,  
Of Battle, 
† The name of the four Elements.  Water, Land and Fire;  
The men that in your house you see,  
Why? who d'ye think it is, but 
5 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  me?  
Yes, me myself, I'll tell you certes,  
Ulysses, Son of old Laertes;  
Who 
6 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉  have (I speak it not in bravery)  
Been famous o'er the World for knavery,  
For slight of hand and cunning brain,  
And knowledge in Legerdemain.  
My house doth stand some furlongs this-way,  
In a small Island called Ithaca;  
And in this place (I'll be exact)  
There is a Mountain well compact,  
Which (unless Homer me deceives)  
Only gets fame by 
7 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉  shaking leaves;  
Whence many a Fool, that of it hears,  
Thinks to get Fame by shaking's Ears.  
About it many more Isles are  
Near one another, or not far;  
There is Zacunt and there is Samme,  
And there is Du Du Duli (Dam  
'Tis a hard Name) o o Dulichium,  
All pretty Islands, Sir, how like ye-'um?  
But Ithaca (as I said before)  
Is the mid-Island; nay, and more  
Lies towards the West, but all the other  
That way, where we the Sun discover  
A mornings 
8 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉  when he goeth forth,  
IT must needs be South, or East or North;  
Unless perhaps, the Sun likes best  
To rise, as well as set i'th' West.  
Which Wise men think can hardly be;  
But I think 'tmay, for how know we?  
'Tis rough indeed like 
9 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉  Lancashire;  
But there are lusty Fellows there.  
And truly that we count a good-place  
Where we were born, though ne'er so oddplace,  
As I preferred in all my Travel.  
My Country, though 'twas full of Gravel;  
I'll tell you, once there was a 
10 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉  Goddess  
Calypso height, who put off Boddis  
And Petticoat, nay, and fine Smock,  
And there she showed her dainty Nock,  
Plump Buttocks, Breasts, and trembling Thighs,  
With many other Rarities.  
And so 
11 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉  did Circe; but I swore,  
Still sight of Count—ry pleased me more:  
And rather chose to leave them both  
Than Ithaca, I'll take my Oath;  
Though true in some consideration  
I followed close my Occupation,  
While I was with them; but brave 
12 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉  house,  
And juicy Girls not worth a Louse.  
In a strange Country, where you know  
Coin of our Language will not go;  
And where a Clap 
* Belike Ulysses being a Traveller, knew this by experience.  if got, be sure,  
Is always very hard to cure.  
But now I'll show you through what hardship  
I'm come at last unto your Lordship,  
As was foretold me by one 
13 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉  Jupiter,  
As skilful in the Stars as Hugh-Peter.  
Now when we'd hoist our Sails from Troy,  
Shouting and flinging Caps for joy;  
As Devil would have it an huge high Wind  
Came farting at our Poop behind;  
And where d'ye think at last it pufft-us,  
But to the Cicons, men that hufft-us?  
Indeed I first destroyed a Village,  
And killed the People; but the pillage  
I parted equally to all,  
And then 
14 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉  I did the Puppies call,  
And bade them make good haste away;  
But they like Fools must needs delay.  
And many Hogsheads there of Wine  
Were trolled away, and many Kine  
Were slain, and roasted on the shore,  
But they that eat them eat no more.  
For in the Interim (hud's Dicons!)  
The Cicons 
15 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉  raised their Neighbour Cicons.  
Who in great multitudes did run,  
Like Robin Hood and Little John,  
And all their Yeomen Company,  
In fury towered my Men and me:  
Indeed although I'm not judicious,  
My nature being still suspicious,  
I chanced to sally towered my Boat 
* It was wisely done in my mind. ,  
And left these Rogues to pay the shot.  
Who ranting there it seems, and spewing,  
The Foe came on to their undoing.  
Bless me! how well they banged their Coats,  
And with their own knives cut their Throats!  
One had his head with Flagon broke,  
And never after one word spoke;  
For Brains were dashed about his face  
And a-la-mort he fell i'th' place.  
Another, 
† A difference betwixt dead, and dead-drunk.  who was dead-drunk before,  
Was killed outright now, which was more.  
One that had got a Cieon's Wife,  
Did ipso facto lose his life.  
Another 
* That was a clown Boy I'll 〈◊〉 you.  being knocked o'er piteher,  
Cried, I desire Tomb no richer.  
Never were 
* Then it seems Ulysses was so good natured to stand looking on.  seen such thumps and bounces,  
And blood, that ran in quarts, not ounces!  
But Lord! I thought myself in heaven  
To see such Sauce at Supper given.  
And how by mere instinct of Nature  
I chanced myself to 'scape that slaughter.  
All morning long our Men, though drunk,  
Being Pot-valiant never 
16 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  shrunk;  
But when the Evening did incline,  
They went to bed before there time.  
And being killed, they thought it best  
To tumble down and take their rest.  
Each Ship we 
17 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  had, as Fates did please,  
Were lighter by six men a piece.  
And all the rest, myself in chief,  
Escaped from death, but not from grief.  
So thence we failed with weeping Cross,  
Yet pleased that we survived our loss.  
But yet before we sailed, I called 
18 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉—   
Thrice on those men, whom Foes had mauled.  
‛ Sir Push-pin, George, and Ralph and Gregory,  
‛ Come, or else the Cicons will disfigure-ye.  
‛ Why Tom, why Humphrey, Dick and Robin,  
‛ Why don't you hasten to your ?  
‛ Rowland and Jeoffery, Jack and Jeremy,  
‛ Prithee let us, not Charon, ferry ye.  
‛ Simon, Hugh, Simkin, Ned and Oliver,  
‛ For shame rouse up and venture all over.  
‛ All Gentlemen, 
* Very clvilly done to call 'um.  you that were slain  
‛ I'd have you to return again.  
‛ Thrice I these Names and more repeated,  
'Till my heart ached and blood was heated;  
‛ Then 
† These were Conjurers to be sure.  Wise men signified unto me,  
‛ That all my noise no good would do me;  
‛ Because when men to Grave are gone, Sir,  
‛ They neither hear, nor can give Answer.  
‛ (They said moreover) though they should come  
‛ From them, there would but little goodcome,  
'Cause they would look as pale as Ashes,  
‛ And rotten as a Fruiterer's trash is;  
‛ That they'd do nought but lie like Lubbers,  
‛ So still, as ne'er to mind their Suppers;  
‛ And never on occasion fight;  
‛ Yet walk to frighten folks at night.  
If dead Folks are, quoth I, so uncivil,  
E'en let 'em go for me to th'Devil.  
Then 
19 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  straight from Jove a whisking Wind-came,  
Which played us all a very blind-game;  
It heaved our Cock-boats to the Skies,  
And blew the Sea-dust in their Eyes.  
The fizzing Tackles began to roar,  
While Clouds obscured both Sea and Shoar;  
And no more 
20 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  light we saw for smoke,  
Than you see money in my Poke.  
Thus on the Starboard we were driven,  
The Sails in forty pieces riven.  
Which we laid down 
21 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  on Decks profoundly,  
Expecting to be ducked now sound.  
But by and by a plaguy Blast,  
Which we ' en thought would prove our last,  
Drove us, as 'twere, with good intent,  
And flapt us on the Continent.  
There we two 
22 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉  nights, and eke two days  
Sat 
* 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉  biting Lips (as Homer says;)  
But when the third day began t'appear,  
We thought to sit no longer there  
Owling, like very Fools or Wittols,  
And never seeking out for Victuals.  
So raising Masts and hoising Sails,  
We showed our melancholy Tails  
To the dull shore; while Wind full sweet  
And Pilot jointly guide the Fleer.  
And then, I think, we'd gone sheer home,  
Had not the Sea begun to foam  
At Boreas, who (while near Malaea  
We sailed) puffed us out of the way:  
So that at Sea 
† Where a Devil were they all that while? says Roger. Why? at Sea, says Ulysses.  nine days together,  
We bandied were by wind and weather;  
That, Lord! 'twas pity to behold.  
What Changelings we appeared, with cold.  
But on the tenth day 
23 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  we came to a place  
So strange, I think you never knew a place;  
Th'Inhabitants not Victuals eat;  
That is to say, no Bread nor Meat;  
But only Flowers, and Posies dainty,  
And Sage and Herb of Grace good plenty.  
Nay silly puppies! you'll confess it,  
They Water love beyond Sack-posset.  
Here 'twas we landed, and at first  
In solemn haste we quenched our 
* With Wine sure, for they just now left the Water.  thirst;  
And after that to Supper fell.  
But when we'd eat and drunk pellmell,  
I sent two 
24 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  Pages and a Crier,  
And promised for their pains good hire,  
If they would undertake sans fear,  
To bring word what the People were.  
They Pistols take, and Helmets clap-on,  
For doubt of any thing should happen:  
And so set forward like Courageous,  
Till they came to these Lotophagios:  
These Lotophagios, you must know,  
Did outwardly no malice show.  
But silly fools with pleasant Posies,  
And Flowers sweet held at their Noses;  
They them persuade with all their Powers  
To stay with them, and live on 
25 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  Flowers.  
Our simple Rogues, worse fools than they,  
Were so enticed they swore to stay.  
And so neglected to come to 
26 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  me  
Till I was told by one that knew me,  
(A Merchant, that was there by chance)  
Then toward the Knaves I did advance  
With Musket, Pike, and Bandeliers,  
And brought 'em back again by th'Ears;  
But they still bawled for flowers to diet'um  
Till with a rattle I did quiet 'um.  
Now knowing well what fools the restwere,  
To bear them off, I took the best-care  
That could be; lest they should have mind  
To whine for 
27 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉  Flowers, and stay behind.  
‛ Then said to them, good Sirs, if you-be  
‛ Mindful to view Hobode-boobe,  
‛ Or Bull-beggars, or th'old Witch goody Jones,  
‛ Or th'grisly thing Rawhead and Bloody-bones:  
‛ Than you may stay you here and see  
‛ The ugliest shapes of any be.  
‛ But I'll assure you they'll so swing-ye,  
‛ You'd wish yourselves as far 
† It's a sign the Indies were discovered before this time.  as th' Indie.  
Then they took Ship, fearing old scores,  
And shaved grey Neptunes-beard with Oars;  
Still sailing on with courage 
28 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  sorry,  
Till to the Cyclops Territory  
They came: These Cyclops now I'll tell ye,  
Do in their 
* Why? where would you have 'em dwell— ah!  proper Country dwell ye.  
Where trusting Jove won't let them starve  
(Such kindness troth they don't deserve)  
They 
29 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  never plant at all, nor plough,  
But all things grow I know not how)  
Red Wheat, Oats, Barley, and plump Vines,  
Whose clusters yield them precious Wines.  
Which Wines e'en crack both brains and guts;  
Yet Jove 
30 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉  forsooth this goodness puts  
Into their Soil, and with large showers  
Augments these Coxcomb's fruits and flowers:  
And yet the Clowns void of all 
31 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  Literature,  
Do never keep Courts of Judicature,  
Nor Common Pleas, nor Court of Conscience;  
But live in Barbarism and Nonsense,  
In horrid Caves on Mountains high,  
In a confused Pantocracy.  
For every man is there a 
32 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  King,  
And rules his Wife in every thing;  
Their Children are their Subjects only:  
Thus they're true Fathers of their Country.  
Who swaying royal Log in Paw,  
Do 
33 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  value no one else a straw,  
But only Subjects; and therefore  
Ne'er help a foreign Prince next door.  
¶ There is a little Isle hard by 'em,  
Not very far, nor 
34 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  very nigh 'um.  
There are some Woods in this same Isle,  
And in these Woods are bred the while  
A hugeous many bearded Creatures,  
Called Goats; good things, they say, for Eaters.  
And in this Island they abound,  
Because 
35 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  no footsteps there are found.  
Which thing proceeds, as Authors say,  
Because no Mortals walk that way;  
No Huntsmen enter here with Dogs,  
To hunt for Goats, or rouse the Hogs.  
Nor is it spoiled by flocks or ploughing,  
But things come there of their own growing.  
For Cyclops, whom before I mentioned,  
In troth are not so good inventioned,  
To 
36 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉  make them Ships, nor have they Monies,  
To set out Fleets, or raise Colonies  
As other Nations do, whose wiles  
Find way-t'inhabit such good Isles.  
But though unpeopled this same placeis,  
Yet not unworthy 
37 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  greater grace 'tis;  
For there are Meadows there, I warranty,  
And Vines that creep on very gallantly.  
But for a Plough there's no Land like-it,  
It is so soft for share to strike-it.  
So that you'd reap a thwacking harvest,  
The ground's so fat and fit for service.  
Moreover 
38 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉  I observed an Haven  
To which there is such virtue given,  
That there's no 
* 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉  need of Rope or * Anchor,  
But only such as there do hanker,  
Will find what e'er they wish to happen,  
As if they'd Fortunatus Cap-on,  
Either to stay there, or be gone-Sir,  
'Tis only wishing and 'tis done-Sir.  
And from this Haven's head, a brave  
Spring gushes forth from dismal Cave,  
Which inward swells with bubbling Billows,  
But is beset about with Willows.  
Just here it was we touched the Land,  
Brought by 
39 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉  some Wizzard's Magickwand,  
I'th' night, I think, for we ne'er knew-it  
Before we suddenly came toit.  
Nor till we felt it could we see  
The Moon, or any Wood for Tree.  
¶ But when I wished us safe in Haven,  
Straight this effect to wish was given,  
That close to Land our Fleet was brought.  
O wondrous power think I, of thought!  
Then we haled in our Sails, fear scorning  
And on the shore we slept till Morning.  
But when Aurora began to peep,  
Unscrewing, as it were, from sleep  
Our glued up Eyes, we risen to 
† To prayer; If it was not for Rhimes sake it should have been, to pray.  prayer,  
Then wandered, wondering, here and there,  
To see the sweetness of the Isle;  
But we set out some Whores the while,  
Who being cunning 
40 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  Jades, begun  
To hoop and screek till Goats did run.  
Being unaccustomed to such noise  
Under the Noses of my Boys;  
Who 
41 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  now stood armed in three Squadrons,  
With Dog, Rapiers, and Leather-Aprons.  
But with their Crossbows in conclusion  
I think they did most execution.  
Twelve Ships there were in all my Navy,  
To each whereof nine Groats Jove gave me.  
But ten 
42 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉  fell only to my share,  
As being worth an hundred there.  
There then we sat, as I'm a Sinner,  
From 
43 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉  morn to night at one long dinner,  
Tearing good 
† Veal was made of Kids and Goats in those days.  Veal, and then to carry't  
Down our glib Throats; we gorged Claret;  
Which lasted still, for you must know  
That when we gave that overthrow  
Unto the Cicons, as aforesaid,  
We took from them full many a Boars-head.  
Or (all's one) Hogshead of Wine,  
Which served us rarely at this time.  
From hence, while I was wiping my-chops  
I chanced to spy the Land of Cyclops;  
And saw the smoke, and heard some riot,  
But now thought I, 'tis best be quiet  
Till belly's full: So I took heed  
Nothing to do, but Guts to feed  
Till they were e'en ready to crack-agen,  
But Jove be thanked some flew backagen,  
By help of finger thrust in Throat,  
A trick of Drunkards you must note.  
But when the Sun was seen no more,  
We tumbled all 
44 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  upon the shore,  
O'er Dishes, Pots and Cans (uds Diggars)  
And there we lay as drunk as Beggars,  
Snoring until the Day did down;  
When slipping on clean Band of Lawn,  
Garters and Cuffs in order micle,  
I chanced to call a Conventicle;  
Where 
† Ha! brave Doctor, condemn that in others, which you approve in yourself.  having blamed their last night's diziness,  
Although I liked no drinking business,  
I made them such a Speech as this is,  
‛ Gentlemen Soldiers, whom Ulysseses  
‛ Doth under his Command maintain,  
‛ I'll tell you what; Do you remain  
‛ Here every one, while I e'en trip  
‛ With my Companions, and one Ship  
‛ To that same Island which you see-there,  
‛ Only to know what People be there;  
‛ Whether they're merry and will toss-a-Kan,  
‛ Or whether they delight to 
* I think they were crossed sufficiently, for half of the twelve were eaten.  cross-a-man.  
So going first abroad, I hallowed  
To my Companions till they followed,  
And presently did take their place,  
Rowing with Doublets off, apace.  
Thus in the Ship, whilst they so plied her,  
I plied my 
† I remember we used to do so on the River Came.  Genius with good Cider.  
Yet scarce could smoak but three Pipes clean off,  
And drink of Bottles some fifteen off.  
When sooner far than my expecting  
I touched the Shoar; whence eyes directing  
I plainly saw (or I'm a Knave)  
A very large substantial Cave  
By the Seaside: the entrance was very  
Well stuck about with 
45— 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉  Bays and Rosemary.  
There many , Sheep and Goats too  
Did sleep, instead of Folds and Coats too.  
Hard by a Stable you might see  
Of Turds, and such like trumpery;  
And there did live 
46 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  a monstrous fellow  
Ten times as big as Punchanello;  
Nay, full as big (I scorn to liea)  
As Colbrond, Rumbo, or Goliath,  
As Gogmagog or Ascapart;  
Who kept forsooth his Sheep apart,  
And did no company 
47 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉  frequent,  
Because he had no good intent.  
And faith he was a wondrous Creature,  
Not like a man yclept. Corn 
48— 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  eater.  
But if alone you ever found-him,  
You'd take him for some woody 
49— 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉—  Mountain.  
His Head so like the top appears,  
To Caves you might compare his Ears;  
Each Tooth he had seemed a sharp Quarry,  
And his Red-snout a Promontory.  
Like Leaves of Trees appeared his Locks,  
And's gouty Shanks were just like Rocks.  
He was in bulk like Spanish Carick,  
But good of heart as Guy of Warwick.  
A desperate thing for Joques and clinches,  
And a stout fellow of his Inches 
† Yet for all that he was a Freshman. .  
¶ Here with my Ship, I bade the rest  
To stay and look to't they were best,  
Only selecting twelve most stout,  
With port Majesty I marched out,  
Taking 
50 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  a Cask of Wine to boot  
(Good company for men on foot.)  
Now this same Wine (pray give me leave  
To tell you) I did once receive  
From Maron, old Evanthe's Son,  
And Phoebus, Priest in Ismaron;  
Because when we that City spoiled,  
I saved his 
51 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  Wife, being then with Child  
From ravishing (such things you know  
Soldiers to Captive Women do;)  
'Cause he was holy to Apollo;  
For which good turn the grateful fellow  
Gave me seven pounds, lest I should pilfer;  
And eke a Plate of massy Silver.  
But as the crown of all, in fine,  
Twelve bottles of the best French Wine  
He gave me 
* 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  unsophisticated,  
So that his strength was nought abated.  
He'd let no Creature know where 'twas,  
But he 
52 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  his Wise, and one young Lass.  
And therefore kept the Keys himself,  
The best way to secure his pelf.  
When he this Liquor 
53 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  used to drink,  
He'd always blend clear Water in't,  
Twenty times more than Wine, and yet  
Such sober draughts would drown his wit,  
And the very scent would smell so far,  
One could not for his life 
* 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  forbear:  
A Cask top full I had of this,  
And in my 
54 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉—  Pouch good Bread and Cheese,  
To pacify all kind of fury.  
For well my foresight did assure me,  
Some devilish fellow we should find there,  
That loved not Justice like such fine fare.  
But when we to the Cave were come,  
The Man o'th'house was not at home;  
But in the Meadows fed his ,  
While we make's Householdstuff to rattle.  
And seeing Cheeses crammed in baskets,  
With huge brown- Georges in the Flasquets,  
And Lambs and Kids in their enclosures.  
I said to my Companions,— O Sirs!  
‛ I need not tell you what to do here,  
‛ And so you're welcome, pray fall too here.  
Then we on Cream and Custards fell,  
And slashed the 
55 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  Cheese about pellmell;  
And having done, with store of Prog  
We thought t'escape; but lo! the Dog,  
As out of door I popped my head  
Was trudging towered the Cave with speed,  
With a huge Log of Wood in's Paw  
As thick and long as Jove's 
† He was ashamed to speak Bawdy you must think.  - ha-haw!  
And with the other hand he played  
On an old Whistle he had made.  
At sight of this we pulled our Ear-in,  
Expecting to be sold for Herring.  
When down he fling his Log so cruel  
(Which he had brought for Supper-fuel)  
At the Caves' mouth with such a din,  
'T made our bones rattle in our skin.  
Whence we sought out for hiding-places,  
Being 
56 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  frighted with his Monkey-faces.  
He Flocks and Kine drove in before him,  
But left their Hees without doors roaring.  
But I suppose th'ill-favoured Else  
Would hardly be served so himself.  
And then he clapped a plaguy Stone  
Before the door, (or else we'd gone)  
This Stone, Sir, threescore lusty men  
For guts could not remove again;  
But yet 
57 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  with this he barred the door,  
As I did intimate before.  
And then the Hedgehog fell to milking,  
And sang as he would tear the Welkin,  
At's work; which when he'd done by halves,  
Under the Dams they put the Calves.  
Then half the Milk (which Homer says  
And proves, was white 
58 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉—  in former days)  
He having curdled, did set up  
Against the time that he should Sup.  
The other half he let 
59 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  alone,  
To drink when all the Ale was gone.  
After these works he thus did handle,  
He light a 
60 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  hugeous Christmas Candle;  
And having wisely snuffed the Wick,  
And stuck it in Clay Candlestiks.  
Observing some of 
† I dare be hanged, if this Rogue doth not belly 'em; for they had only the yellow Jaundice in their Posterlors.  us to scutter  
(The effect of fear) he cried, Fah! outhere.  
And looking heedfully about-him  
He spied our Men, and thus did flout-'um.  
‛ The shitten Rascals, pray what weather  
‛ Did drive such stinking foisters hither?  
‛ For I suppose by Sea you came  
‛ Rather to steal, than purchase Fame;  
‛ Whether you Pilots be or Pirates,  
‛ Id est, or water-Rats or dry-Rats.  
‛ Cox-bones! 
* Perhaps he means his Sweetheart, which Authors say, was an ugly Fat-arsed Puss; in French a Mounser.  I've here got such a Mowser,  
‛ Will worry you like any Towser.  
‛ At which fierce Speech again they squuttered,  
And one behind the other fluttered,  
For fear of's Saweer-eye, and eke  
To hear him like a Cannon speak.  
Yet plucking up good heart of grace,  
I made this answer in short space,  
(Stopping lose Podex with my finger,  
Lest any thing, you know, should hinder.)  
‛ We're Greeks, my little sweet Pigsny!  
‛ That late have trod our shoes awry;  
‛ Thinking from Troy to sail straight home,  
‛ But (see the chance) we're hither come.  
‛ Perhaps Jove showed us all this 
61 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  hardship,  
‛ In love t'acquaint us with your Lordship.  
‛ And truly I one Crown would spend,  
‛ To purchase such a bouncing friend,  
‛ One Duke Agamemnon we served,  
‛ Whose Fame's as great, as he deserved;  
‛ For burning a renowned City,  
‛ And kill folks, the more's the pity.  
‛ But after all we're here arrived,  
And at your sweaty Toes, being grieved,  
‛ We humbly beg upon our knees  
‛ you'd help us to some Bread and Cheese.  
‛ Thus Lads 
62 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  unto their Strangers do,  
‛ Nay sometimes give Anchovies too,  
‛ Neat-tongue, or Tart, or plate of Ale;  
‛ But seldom they of all things fail.  
‛ Do you do thus, o Gundy Hero!  
‛ And we'd sing Songs of old Rogero,  
‛ Renaldo, Sacrapont, and— so so,  
‛ And of Orlando Furioso.  
‛ But if you should not do't, alack!  
‛ I fear lest Jove should sound thwack  
‛ Your Worships bones; for Jove you 
63 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  know  
‛ Was evermore a good Fellow.  
‛ Thus I collogued, but he cried fiercely,  
‛ Or 
64 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  you're a fool, or know me scarcely,  
‛ To put me thus in mind of Jove,  
‛ Whom cyclops neither fear nor love;  
‛ Nor any other gods, 
65 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  for we  
‛ Are greater than those Fellows be.  
‛ Wherefore for Jove's sake I'd ne'er spare you,  
‛ Were it not for the love I bear you;  
‛ But tell me quickly I advise,  
‛ Where now your Ship at Anchor lies,  
‛ Whether far off, or near our Land;  
‛ Only that I may understand.  
Thus did that cunning Sneak-nose tempt me,  
Hoping by wiles to circumvent me.  
But I soon dived into his mind,  
And paid him thus in his own kind.  
‛ Kind Sir, the Earth-conturbing Neptune,  
‛ Of all our Ships hath now not left one;  
‛ For all the rest being wracked beforea,  
‛ He broke the last upon your shoar-ah!  
‛ And there it in a Whirl-pool perished,  
‛ Only we're left, and we half famished.  
Pox o'th' last word, which rhyme forced to make,  
For I believe it raised his stomach:  
So that he answered nought to any-on's,  
But clapped his paws on my Companions.  
And picking 
68 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  out two that were fed most,  
He dashed their brains against the Bedpost;  
Brains (though but few) fell on the ground,  
Commixed with blood, and there this Hound  
Tearing them 
* 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  piece-meal with gub-teeths,  
Sat down and eat them just like Beef.  
First he their Thighs devoured gladly,  
Then on their yellow Buttocks fed he,  
Nay guts and garbage, which looks nastily;  
One wouldnot eat a Turd so hastily,  
As he their 
67 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  flesh and bones did swallow;  
Nay made the very Pr—s to follow;  
And saved the Piss, that ran down heels,  
In a huge Bowl, to drink at meals.  
We durst not say one accent to him,  
Nor did we wish, Much good might do him  
Or t'eat with him; but in sad 
68 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  wise  
Lifted to Jove hearts, hands and eyes,  
That he as angry as old Hannibal  
Would punish this same wicked Cannibal;  
On's own account, as well as ours,  
Because he slighted goddish Powers.  
¶ But when this whelp had crammed his Weazon  
With humane flesh, and Piss that season,  
He drops him down 
69 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  among his Sheep,  
Plaguily snoring in his sleep.  
By this I had such Courage got,  
Which desperation had made hot,  
That with 
† The name of Bevis, of Southampton's Sword, which I'm afraid ulysses came not honestly by.  Morglay, I thought to part  
The Monster's midriff from his heart.  
But if the Puppy had been slain,  
We had been forced to remain  
Till we should starve in Cave alone;  
Because we could not slir the Stone.  
So till broad day, with sighs and sobs, 
Aurora, a little Wanton, who although she pretends Honesty, by rising early; yet a-nights she used to chew the Cud (to use the modest phrase) with Tithonus.   
We stood with fingers in our sobs.  
But when he spied Tithonus * Whore,  
He milked his Oxen as before;  
And then a couple more he took  
Of our poor Squires, whom like a Cook  
He straight made ready; but the meat  
You may suppose was not too sweet,  
For they were sauced with Turd for Butter,  
And sodden well in their own water.  
Then after Breakfast out he went,  
But us i'th'Cave with quarry penned  
As easily, as if a 
70 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  man  
Should with a Cake cover a Can,  
In which you know the Flies remain,  
Till the Cake's taken off again.  
Then whistling 
71 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  like ten thousand Carters,  
He drove his Cattle to their quarters.  
But I 
72 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  was left, trying conclusions,  
And gathering hearty resolutions,  
How to take vengeance on the Knave,  
And by some means escape his Cave.  
I knew my skill in picking Locks,  
And hoped 'twould do; but (out a Pox  
That I should be so dull a Drone)  
When 'twas not locked but barred with Stone.  
At last this Crotchet seemed the best,  
And pleased me more than 
73 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉  all the rest.  
The Cyclops, Sir, (I tell no Fable)  
Had a 
* 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉  huge Cat-stick near the Stable,  
Green still and pithy; he had clipt-that  
From some great Wood to play at Tip-cat,  
When it was dried; but't was as vast  
As th' Royal 
74 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉  Charles his middle Mast;  
Which you know Dutchmen took by Treason,  
But dare not use't themselves; good reason!  
'Twas full as long, and full as thick;  
From which I cut an ell-long stick.  
And gave my Boys to make it smooth,  
Which they full quickly did forsooth:  
Then 
* 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉  I the Point so well did whittle,  
I madeed as sharp as any Needle.  
Then well I hardened it i'th' Fire,  
So hid it underneath the Mire;  
Which with the Dung lay thick about,  
Within the Cave, and eke without;  
Which Dung without I longed to see,  
But Stone resolved it should not be.  
Now having thus contrived the Plot,  
I bad Companions choose by 
75 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉  Lot,  
(High-jinks, or Fillip) who should be  
My Aiders in this Fragedy,  
By boring hole (when he should sleep here)  
To make his Eye wider and deeper:  
In short, The Lot on four did pitch,  
Which made me think the Lot a Witch,  
Because I wished the very same,  
And knew them fittest for my game.  
So we lay still, protesting seriously  
To do it constantly and seriously;  
But in the Evening this Damned Dogs-eyes  
Came, driving's  to their Hog-sties.  
Both Hogs and Dogs, and Pigs and Sheep,  
And Cows and Goats within must keep.  
Whether the fool might be afraid  
Of Thiefs, if they without door stayed.  
Or whether gods did bringed about  
In pity so to help us out.  
These Flocks thus filling up the lodging,  
We'd brave advantage so to dodg him.  
But when the Whelp had barred the door,  
He milked his Cattle as before,  
And clapped the young under their Dams.  
Then into's his Throat two more he crams  
Of my Companions; I at first word  
In's chaps was fain to shovel Mustard.  
Which done, with Bowl and loving face  
I thus did compliment his Grace:  
‛ Sweet Cormorant, after this Supper  
‛ Of humane flesh, behold a Cup here  
‛ Of pleasant Wine, that you may see,  
‛ What Hector's and down Boys we be.  
‛ And this same token faith I give ye  
‛ Out of pure love, if you'll believe me,  
‛ Only that you'd do so and so 
76 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉   
‛ To take my Wine and let me go.  
‛ For troth I'm such a shitten Creature,  
‛ Enough to poison a Man-eater;  
‛ And folks might think you're starved indeed,  
‛ If on such Carrion you should feed.  
‛ Beside, if you should now undo-me,  
‛ I ne'er could bring fat People toyou;  
‛ Which out of good will I intent now,  
‛ If you will but appear my friend now.  
Thus I: But he took all in scoff,  
Only he tossed the Liquor off 
77 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉   
And smacking's blobber- Lips, he fell (ye)  
Stroking with paw his Tun-like belly.  
‛ And then said he, More, more o'th' same  
‛ Thou honest Soul, and tell's thy name  
‛ Now quickly; for I do intent  
‛ To be in gratitude thy friend:  
‛ For we have special Wine, I take it,  
' 'Mong cyclops; Jove himself doth make it.  
‛ Yet that (Gudsuckings) does appear,  
‛ Compared to this, but flat small Beer:  
‛ This Wine 
78 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  (o prithee gi'z some more on't)  
‛ Is special Wine, and well worth four on't.  
Thus he 
* 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  e'faith; I ne'er denied him,  
But with my Quart-pot freely plied him.  
Three 
79 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  times he clapped this Pot to's Nose,  
Three times the Rogue bepissed his Hose,  
And belched, the Liquor was so strong;  
That I saw where his Brains were hung.  
And when in so good case I knew him,  
In soothing manner I spoke to him.  
‛ You may remember, Man of Fame,  
‛ Three minutes past you asked my Name:  
‛ And now I shall, because you're civil,  
‛ Confess my Name, and shame the Devil.  
' 'Tis Nobody 
80 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  in Latin, Nemo,  
‛ And I'll assure you they that me know  
‛ Call me by that Name; for example  
‛ Nemo (that's I) hath Guts full ample.  
Thus I (the Devil take such dry-sport)  
Can't forbear Joquing, though I die for't.  
As in that Instance, which I gave,  
Hearing me mention Guts so brave.  
He giggling gave this cruel Answer,  
‛ Nemo (tha- 
81 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  that's you) I'll eat anon, Sir,  
‛ All th'others fi-first, and you the la-last,  
‛ Such lo-love I'll sho-shew for what is papast.  
And stutt'ring thus he 
82 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉—  lolled his Loggerhead,  
Nodding upon a rotten Cupbord-head;  
Which not enduring such a weight,  
Fell kindly down and broke his Pate.  
Yet though about his ears it clattered,  
He still snored on, and never mattered;  
And snoring thus in his own Shambleses,  
Deadmen in's guts began to wamble.  
Blessed operation of my Cup,  
To see him cast his reckon up.  
Though I! t' see Wine and Flesh uprising,  
And him so fast through drinks disguising.  
There lay Jack's buttock 
83 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  Humphrey's head  
Spewed up again, now they were dead.  
Which, you must think, cast a rare steam,  
Being mixed with blood, piss, wine, curds, cream.  
Then under th'Embers I the stick laid  
To make it hot; mean while I tickled  
My Fellows hearts with words of comfort,  
Till they courageous proved in some sort.  
But when the stick was fiery hot,  
My Fellows, who were chose by lot,  
Stood round about the snoring whelp,  
Resolved to lend me all their help.  
Then I took stick red hot from fire,  
And burning hotter with desire  
Of Vengeance, to Don-sleeper came,  
And softly there we took good aim.  
Surely the 
84 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  Devil made us so bold;  
For they o'th'top of stick took hold,  
And placed it o'er his goggle eye.  
I cinged the middle gingerly,  
And rolled it in and rolled it out,  
And fiercely turned it quick about.  
Though all the World Sir to a Pin,  
I durst not do the like again;  
Even as a Shipwright very nimble,  
Doth roundly turn about his Wimble;  
Or as a Joiner boreth (maugre  
The stoutest wood) with well greased Auger.  
Thus we with burning stick did boar  
His eye (one eye he had, no more)  
'Bout which there ran a Moat of gore.  
All's beetle 
85 You may here see, what a jeering Rogue Ulysses was, when he knew the man had but one Eye, to allow him so many Brows.  brows, and th' hair of them  
Were singed and scorched by the steam  
Of burning Eye; we might observe  
Th' Anatomy of's Optic nerve,  
If we'd leisure then to study.  
But though we were in case so muddy,  
Ready for fear ourselves to piss,  
We laughed to hear his Eye-root hiss.  
As when 
86 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  a Smith does quench in Water  
Hot burning-Steel, or some such matter.  
You know by Antipathetick cause  
There doth arise a hizzing noise.  
Just thus for all the world his Eye  
Did hiz, methought, harmoniously.  
But this same kind of usage base,  
Did (as you'd guests) soon wake his Grace;  
Who being scared as 'twere in dream,  
Did howl, and yaul, and roar 
87 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  extremely, in such sort (a yelping Hound!)  
It made the very Rock 
* 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  resound.  
At this we ran with fearful mind,  
But left the trusty Stick behind;  
And there't had been for us, till doom,  
Had not himself with frets and fume  
Toreed out of's Eye, then 
88 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  flunged in anguish  
Away, and cried, The Devil hang this.  
But now our wounded Cyclops, bellows  
To th'other Cyclops Friends and Fellows,  
Who dwelled hard by in Dungeons deep:  
They hearing him such pother keep,  
Rose in their Shirts, and at his Door  
Asked him what made his Worship roar.  
‛ What hurt hast got, o Polyphemus!  
‛ That makes thee snore and roar in dream thus?  
‛ And bluster so we cannot sleep 
89 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  for ye.  
‛ Has any Mortal stole your 
90 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  Sheep from ye?  
‛ Or are you by the Fleas now bitten a bed?  
‛ Or have you (as 've often) shit a bed?  
‛ Or are you killed by 
91 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  fraud or force,  
‛ That thus you roar as you were horse?  
Then from his Cave, stout Polypheme  
With sobs like Millstones answered them:  
‛ O Friends! 'tis Nemo 
92 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  doth by wily  
‛ And subtle fraud (not valour) kill me.  
They knowing's Latin-affectation,  
Took Nemo in signification  
Of No-man, and this Answer spoke,  
‛ If you're alone, and none doth make  
‛ Your case deserving of our help,  
‛ E'en roar your heart out for a Whelp.  
‛ Since ye can't bear what Jove doth send ye,  
‛ Nought sooner than a Rope will mend ye.  
‛ But if you'd rather pray than choke,  
‛ Neptune 
93 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  your Dad with Prayers invoke.  
They went away when thus they'd spoken,  
But my dear Guts 
94 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  were almost broken  
With laughter, that the lucky feigning  
Of Nemo saved us all from braining.  
Though this same word wasn't so intended  
But merely by instinct invented.  
The Cyclap, though his Friends advised him,  
Ne'er prayed to Neptune, but despised him.  
And like a very Turk or Fleming  
He fell to cursing and blaspheming;  
Roaring most wickedly and sobbing.  
‛ But the Rogue cautious of our bobbing,  
Holding one hand before his Nose,  
And groping 
95 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  with the other, goes  
towered door (but in the way some 'gins  
I had laid there, which broke his Shins)  
But yet he heaved the Door away,  
And sat him down, as who should say;  
Come this or that way any other,  
But Sheep, and I'd not spare my Brother.  
And then he stretched his clutches out,  
Thinking to take us so no doubt.  
Belike th' Ass took 
96 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  me for a fool;  
But ever since I went to School  
I knew what's what; but at that time  
I think I showed my wit sublime:  
And tried all ways with tooth and nail,  
Lest Friends and I of life should fail,  
I left 
97 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  no Stone unturned (huds boors)  
But only that that barred the Doors;  
Every one else I moved, I'll swear,  
And counselled here and counselled there,  
And in my thoughts I had great strife,  
'Cause business did concern my life 
98 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉— :  
One while I thought, when he should rise  
And open door, to 'scape 'twixt Thighs.  
But then I feared a thing, you know,  
Which 'twixt his Thighs hung very low;  
Then clothed in Sheeep-skins, I thought  
Upon all four we might be brought  
Safe out, among the Flocks, you know it;  
But than we had no time to do it.  
Then faith, I thought to dress a Puppet  
Up in my Clothes, and so to pop it  
Before his face, and while he stayed  
Tormenting that, so to evade.  
But when on these I could not rest,  
At last this project liked me best 
1 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉. ;  
th'th' Cave were Rams with huge Black-wool;  
I ne'er saw Rams so large and full;  
I takes these Rams, Sir, three and three,  
And ties them very chordially  
Together, the middlemost did bear  
One man, the other two took care;  
Being bound on each side of the man,  
To keep him from a foul trapan.  
Thus six times three six men did carry  
Under their breasts; but I, why? marry  
Spying a Ram, the very best of 'um,  
Bigger and stronger than the rest os'um.  
First stroked him 
2 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  on the back, I'll tell ye,  
Then gently slipped under his belly.  
And there on his thick Fleece I hung  
By Teeth and Nails all the night long  
In much pain, till morn was seen,  
When this Blind-beggar of Bednal-green  
Opened his door, and groped i'th'way  
While Sheep passed on; Ba-ba cried they,  
'Cause now they were unmilkt, and so  
Their Dugs were heavy, you must know.  
But their wise Master (though he 
* But I think he felt it.  saw  
No hurt we'd done) with greasy Paw  
In wrath their backs did feel about,  
Thinking to catch us there, no doubt;  
Boobe! to think 
3 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉. , as I must tell ye,  
That we preferred a back to belly.  
But last of all the pocky Ram,  
Loaded with me and's Wool, forth came;  
Feeling whose back (in less than a yard  
Besure he had got me by the Beard)  
Blind Bayard thus began to prate,  
‛ You lazy Rogue, 
4 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  pray, why so late  
‛ Now come you forth with sober gate?  
‛ When heretofore you still went first  
‛ Unto the Streams to quench your thirst;  
‛ And eke to field on Grass to feed,  
‛ And home you used to high with speed.  
‛ But now thou'rt last; sure 'tis a grief  
‛ For thee t'have seen Nemo this Thief;  
‛ First make me drunk, then make me blind,  
‛ Therefore, poor thing! thou stay'st behind.  
‛ Oh! never more, I plainly see,  
‛ Will 
5 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  eye of Master fatten thee!  
‛ Although the Villain, that hath done it,  
‛ Is not, as I suppose, 
6 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  quite gone yet.  
‛ (No faith think I thou blinking Prophet,  
' 'Cause so near thee I'll not light-off yet.)  
‛ But if, quoth he, my Ram thou canst  
‛ But speak, for sure thou understandest,  
‛ Hid 
7 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  not his hiding place; but show it,  
‛ (O Lord!) think I one Fart would do it.)  
‛ Then I, quoth he, his Brains will scatter  
‛ (And thought I, that's a weighty matter.)  
‛ Against the Walls, and so my mind  
‛ Would after that some comfort find  
‛ For th'blindness 
8 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉. Observe this Joque of Polyphem's.  which old Nemo gave me.  
(Poor Cluck, thought I the Devil save thee!)  
Then he let forth the Ram and me,  
Unthankt for that Civility;  
For Compliments were out of fashion,  
When I beheld him in such passion;  
But when the Flocks some space had gone,  
I dropped, and let the Ram go on.  
So rising softly from the ground,  
My other Friends I strait unbound  
Them from Rams bellies, slily cropping  
With Rams-piss and their own still dropping.  
Then nimbly after this fine slip  
We 
9 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  drove his Sheep unto our Ship.  
Welcome to the Soldiers we appear  
That scap't, but they that eaten were  
Stuck in their stomaches; yet by 
10 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  nodding 
〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.   
I made the Chits leave off their sobbing,  
And taking Sheep aboard to hasten,  
If they desired t'escape a basting.  
They such sad after-claps much fearing,  
Fell slrait to rowing and to steering.  
But when I thought us far enough,  
To Polypheme I sent this huff:  
‛ Cyclops! if you'd had any wit  
‛ You'd not have took me for a Chit;  
‛ Nor served my Servants in such manner  
‛ To bang them worse than any Tanner;  
‛ And greedier than a very Hog,  
‛ Devour them like a Butcher's Dog.  
‛ You could not see your good before,  
‛ And now I think you'll scarce see more;  
For Jove, and gods whom you so slight,  
Have pleased to take away your sight;  
And now you'd best go strike a Light.  
This huffing to the Plucks so vexed him,  
That he laid hold of what was next him,  
Which proved a 
11 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  Mountain wondrous great,  
With which he hoped to break my Pate,  
And fling it, crying this (huds Diggars)  
That man, whom e'er it hits, disfigures.  
And troth so near the Poop it came,  
We wondered at blind Archer's aim.  
For Waves, being forced thus by Rock,  
Recoiled again unto the Dock;  
And with the Waves our Ship returned,  
Which made me wish it sunk or burned:  
But I my 
12 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  self, with Pole in hand,  
Shoved her off stiffly from the Land;  
And nodding, bad my Sons of Whores  
With triple force to ply their Oars;  
While this same blinking Owl stood gapeing,  
And never knew of our escaping.  
But when 
13 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  twice further we had rowed,  
Thus o'er the blinded Cock I crowed:  
But as I went to speak forsooth,  
A Puppy claps his hand o'er mouth;  
And all my Friends on bended knees,  
Begged earnestly I'd hold my peace.  
‛ Lord bless us! sure our Brains are mellow  
‛ Thus to provoke an angry Fellow,  
‛ Who late you know with Hills and Rocks  
‛ Had almost spoiled us with a pox;  
‛ For by that cast be flounced us back,  
‛ And there we'd like t'have gone to wrack.  
‛ If now he hears but the least noise, his  
‛ Ear being guided by our Voices,  
‛ He'll aim so well, that he'll e'en break  
‛ The Organs by the which we speak.  
‛ And ten to one he'll crack our Pates,  
‛ He flings so deadly 
14 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  far at Quoits.  
‛ But then, quoth I, pray Sirs, be still, now  
‛ I'll speak, Cudsplutternails, I will now.  
‛ D'ye think I'll put up so much wrong  
‛ Without revenging with my Tongue?  
‛ Faith I'll correct him in bravado,  
‛ Far worse than with a bastinado.  
‛ Then I roared out, Thou Buzzard Cyclops,  
‛ As tall as any Cedar's high-top,  
‛ If any chance to ask, what man  
‛ Did give you such a clear trap-an  
‛ To put your Eye out; (do ye see now?)  
‛ You must not like a fool, say Nemo;  
‛ But tell him 'twas the brave Ulysses,  
‛ That makes a trade of conquering Cities,  
‛ Born of Laertes, you may tell him,  
‛ That hath in Ithaca his dwelling.  
At this he fatcht deep sigh from heart,  
Though many thought 'twas but a F—  
And sobbing till he burst his Breeches,  
He cried ' Good- 
15 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 - lack-a-day! how Witches  
‛ Can tell men's Fortunes! I remember  
‛ Once I'd a kind of Female friend here,  
‛ A Gipsy, whom I made my Mate,  
' 'Cause she'd a C— 
16 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉  so good and great.  
‛ This Witch d'ye hear me now, was 
* 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉  famous  
‛ From this place I believe to Samos,  
‛ For knowing things as 'twere beforehand,  
‛ And guessing by Face, Fingers or Hand;  
‛ Of all hard things she scarce e'er slipped one,  
‛ For all the world like Mother Shipton;  
‛ She said, One ' Lysses of Wit wayward,  
‛ Should make me full as blind as Bayard.  
‛ But I still thought, that it 
17 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  would be some-man  
‛ Gigantic, or at least an handsom-man.  
‛ When lo! an ugly Crump-back 
* 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  Aesop,  
‛ (When too much Wine he had made me sup,)  
‛ Nay a mere Cow'rd hath blinded me now,  
‛ And which is worse I cannot see now.  
‛ But 
18 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  come Sir, seeing 'twas my Fateill  
‛ To be as blind as any Beetle,  
‛ Ulysseses! I forgive you freely,  
‛ (But softly, 'dsfoot I'm not so silly)  
‛ And hope to make amends for th' future,  
‛ With gifts of Silver, Gold and Pewter;  
‛ And if you'll come unto me friendly,  
‛ I'll use you, faith now, very kindly,  
‛ And then t'afford you speedy passage  
‛ I'll send to Neptune an Ambassage:  
‛ For he indeed's 
19 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉,  my Father, whence,  
‛ (Granting the Major) Consequence  
‛ Is plain, that I am Neptune's Son 
† 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 ,  
‛ And so the disputation's done.  
‛ Now he will eure me of this blindness  
‛ Out of, you know, paternal kindness;  
‛ For none, although he deals in Fish,  
‛ An Abler Mountebank would wish.  
The fat-Cheekt 
* A Dutch Name, signifying a great Lubber, or in plain English a Loggerhead.  Vooden coged at this rate,  
Hoping t'allure me unto his bait.  
But I, whom beating had made wise,  
Lolling out Tongue and rolling eyes,  
Through very rancour of my heart, intended to school him thus at parting.  
‛ Out on you, for a witless Coax,  
‛ Blind, lousy, scabby, John-a-noaks;  
‛ I'd find i'my heart, I'll tell you Sirrah,  
‛ To come now straight and run you through!  
‛ You Mackrel-back, bottle-nosed Devil,  
‛ I'll teach you Sirrah to be civil!  
‛ What? call me Coward? was't not late  
‛ I'd break my Cudgel on your Pate.  
‛ And then to call me Aesop's (Villain)  
‛ I'm fairer than your Gipsy Gillian,  
‛ And handsomer than your vile feature,  
‛ Which is th'ill favourd'st thing in nature.  
‛ Oh! if I had but time to come to ye,  
‛ How I should tan your hide, and thump ye?  
‛ And leave you by tormenting pains  
‛ No more life than you now have brains;  
‛ And no more blood than you have eyesight.  
‛ All this I'd do to you by this light;  
‛ And then 
20 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉  I'd see, if Neptune's kindness  
‛ By Purge or Pills might cure your blindness.  
He hearing this, devoutly crept on  
His knees, and made his Prayer to Neptune.  
‛ Black Sir, 
21 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  Farm-holder of the Earth!  
‛ If thou art Author of my birth,  
‛ Grant in this manner thy Sons wishes  
‛ Against this ugly Dog Ulysses:  
‛ So handle him with froth and scum o'th' Sea,  
‛ That he to's Country ne'er may come, d'ye see?  
‛ But if 'tis destined, this Coxcomb  
‛ In spite o'th' Devil must get home.  
‛ E'en let the homely Puppy go,  
‛ If Fate says, I, I'll not say no!  
‛ But prithee, let him be so shattered,  
‛ That he come home 
22 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  ragged and tattered,  
‛ And as he evermore lived niggardly,  
‛ In his return let him come beggarly,  
‛ Neither in Ships of's own, nor Barges,  
‛ But 
23 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  at some other People's charges.  
‛ But for his 
24 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  other Comrades vile,  
‛ Let them be rammed and damned the while.  
‛ And sunk so deeply, and so drowned  
‛ As never after to be found:  
‛ And 
25 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  in his House let haughty Strangers  
‛ Afflict him after foreign dangers.  
‛ And prithee to compleat's disgrace,  
‛ Let's Wife be swi —'d before his face.  
Thus prayed the Rogue incontinent,  
And Neptune granted Prayers event:  
When he, it seems, did fling another  
Mountain, as big 
26 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  again as th'other,  
With all the force and skill he had,  
(For he was then 
* He was so mad, he could have eaten them with a corn of Salt, and a shovel full of Mustard.  confounded mad)  
'Thad like t'have quashed us all to fritters,  
(Even now for fear my Gizzard twitters)  
Yet where we all suspected murder,  
We saw, it only 
27 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉—  drove us further:  
But when we came unto our Isle  
Where all the rest were lest this while,  
We found our men crying 
28 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  Good lack amain,  
For fear, we never should come back again.  
There we took Land, and parted equally  
The Cyclops Sheep, we stole so sneekingly.  
And unto me they gave to 
29 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  boot  
The Ram, because I stuck close to't.  
Which Ram to pay my Vows in love,  
I offered to Cloud-squeezing Jove;  
Giving to him Head, Horns, and Hid,  
Because his power 
30 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  was far and wide,  
But I myself eat all beside.  
Yet he, pray mark his Ill conditions,  
Contemned 
31 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  my offering and Petitions;  
And even at that time, ungrateful!  
He thought the lives of us all hateful.  
And now 
32 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  was plotting to destroy  
Our Ships and Men, my only Joy.  
¶ But after offering made by Vicar,  
We glibly tossed down Bowls of Liquor,  
Till Sol declined his Carret-pate.  
And then, because 'twas pretty late,  
We went to bed, and there we lay  
Till th'Devil 
* Or Lucifer, it's all one man.  ushered in the day.  
And then, by my advice and counsel,  
We nailed an Horse-shoe on the groundsel  
Of that same lovely Island; which is  
A wondrous spell, Sir, against your Witches.  
Then we in dozen, and in scores,  
Took Ship, and 
33 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  roundly plied our Oars,  
Intending, though we found small sport in  
Our Voyage, still to seek our fortune.  
Grieved for our Men slain by Fate lowering;  
But glad 
34 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  that we escaped their scouring.   
In both, Lines 2774.  
FINIS.