A (SECOND) DIALOGUE BETWIXT jack and Will, ABOUT A Standing Army.  jack. 
HOW d'ye, Friend Will? Tho you and I could not agree about the Lord Mayor's carrying the Sword to Meetings, yet I hope we're agreed against a Standing Army.  Will. 
I perceive, jack, your Stars have condemned your Party to be perpetual Blockheads; all the World knows that I was ever for a Standing Army.  jack. 
Nay, then I'll be Hanged; I'm sure I have heard you exclaim against K. james for his Standing Army.  Will. 
Why thou poor Fool, I never knew any he had; his was a Running Army, witness the plaguy Race they took betwixt Salisbury and London.  jack. 
A Plague on you, you'll never leave your Banter; you know well enough what I mean by a Standing Army, that is to say, A Standing Army in time of Peace.  Will. 
I know that well enough, jack, for none of your Armies durst ever stand in time of War.  jack. 
Pox take ye, why should I trouble myself to talk to such a Merry Andrew? Answer to the purpose; I know you are against a Standing Army in time of Peace.  Will. 
Why truly, jack, your Armies never stood, neither in time of Peace nor War; and seeing one Instance won't satisfy you, I'll give you another: Pray tell me how bravely they stood to it at the Boyne and other places in Ireland? And for their standing in time of Peace, I'm sure 'tis as false as the other; for they run from one Hen-roost to another, all over the Kingdom: If they made a Stand any where, 'twas under Ioan's Petticoat; and not so generous a Stand neither as that which the Persians made when their Wives and Mothers took up their Coats, and asked them when flying before their Foes, as justin tells us, Whether they would hide themselves there? By which they were so much ashamed, that they turned back and routed their Enemies.  jack. 
Leave off your Roguery, Will; I doubt, for the latter part on't, your own Army is not much better.  Will. 
And that's one reason, jack, why I think they ought to be Disbanded: For considering how poor the Nation is made by the War, every Man has enough to do to keep Children of his own getting, though he keep none of other men's; and to say the truth on't, the mixture of your Army was enough to spoil ours in all respects, both for Running o'th' Reins, and Running from their Enemies; and I am afraid that upon due Enquiry it will be found, that 'twas some of your sort that began the Race at Steenkirk and Landen.  jack. 
Hold, hold, Will, not so fast; Who was it that run at Flerus and Gillicranky? I hope you won't say that the Dutch and the Presbyterian Scots are jacobites.  Will. 
Nay now, jack, thou beginst to speak something like; but I'll tell you tho for an Answer, what I have heard; that 'twas the Dutch Horse, which because they were never well trained, could not endure the Fire at Flerus; but it must be owned their Foot stood bravely, and came off with Honour: And for Gillicranky, jack, let me tell you, the Racers there were Men of your own Kidney, a Company of jacobites under a Williamite Mask, betrayed the King's Army; and yet at last, jack, the new raised Presbyterian Scots kept the Field, and killed your Dundee, who next to your brave james, was Magna spes altera Romae; and now, jack, I think I owe you nothing.  jack. 
Well, well then, I hope you'll be serious, seeing you think you have so much the advantage: but I am sure it's for our Interest to have the Army Disbanded, and therein I think our Friends have for once outwitted ye in making you to believe that they joined with you for the ease of the Country, but by my Faith you will find it to be otherwise; we did it to ease ourselves of the double Taxes which must fall speedily now the Army must be Disbanded; and besides, we shall be at more liberty to rise and join the French, who a Twelvemonth hence, when the Army is entirely scattered, will have a brave opportunity of Landing to assist us.  Will. 
Sayest so jack? Your Party are obliged to you for keeping their Secrets so faithfully; I thought the Codsheads fed themselves with some such foolish hopes, they did so sneer and laugh upon the News that no Standing Army was like to be allowed: But stay, jack, don't ye think that those who have from time to time given such vast Sums to carry on the War, and have taken such care to secure the present Government, will also take care to secure the Nation against a future War, and prevent our being robbed of the Fruits of the so much longed for Peace?  jack. 
And don't you think but our Friends who concur with you in getting the Army Disbanded, will find some means or other to obstruct such Methods as shall be proposed for that which you call an Equivalent, or better Security?  Will. 
Nay truly, jack, I must own you are Statesmen, and have been more cunning in embroiling our Affairs, than at advancing your own. And is that the reason then of your pretending to fall in with those that are against a Standing Army, merely to rob us of the Defence we have, and obstruct our providing another?  jack. 
Yes, Faith it is, and at the same time our Party in all Companies, where they may do it with safety, speak up for a Commonwealth, not that we are really for one, but to render your Party suspected of carrying on such a Design, that so we may dash you and the Court against one another, and then we hope to have a brave time of fishing in troubled Waters.  Will. 
In Conscience, jack, I believe that at last you will turn refined Politicians.  jack. 
You will say so when you know all. By this Method we shall likewise make those who compose the present Army, Enemies to you and the Court too, to you for pressing their being Disbanded, and to the Court for suffering it.  Will. 
Finer and finer, jack; I believe these fine Threads are spun in the Cabinet Council beyond-Sea.  jack. 
Then as to the Church, we will ruin your Interest with them; for you know they hate a Commonwealth, because that sort of Government does always clip the Wings of the Clergy; and we will give it out (seeing we cannot have the King we would have) that we will join with those that are for none at all.  Will. 
You're a parcel of rare Fellows upon my word; but pray what Methods will you take to hinder our Friends from providing a Security Equivalent to, if not better than that of a Standing Army?  jack. 
Why that may be easily done: for you propose a Regulation of the Militia; and we will take care by the Interest of the Church, to prevent your having it put into the Hands of any but staunch Churchmen.  Will. 
What do you mean by staunch Churchmen? The Passive Obedience Crew that would cut His Majesty's Throat, Perkins and Friend's Churchmen, or such as can be Drunk, and Swear, and Tear, and Damn their Souls to get into Office?  jack. 
Why so uncharitable, Will? Don't you think that we take as much care of our Souls as you do of yours?  Will. 
I cannot tell whether you do, or not; but sure I am that those that swear Allegiance to King William, with an Intention to betray him, and take the Sacrament according to the Church of England, that they may get into Places, Military or Civil, in order to support the Interest of a Popish Abdicated Prince, seem to have no regard to the Welfare of their Souls, and to have a very contemptuous Notion of Damnation, especially seeing they imprecate it upon themselves every Day.  jack. 
There's a Lecture indeed, you heard that out of some Tub last Sunday.  Will. 
Nay, jack, thou and thy Party seem to be more conversant with Tubs and Barrels too than I, for I seldom meet any of 'em, but the Yeast of 'em is ready to run over their Beards; but I would have you to know, that there are better Churchmen than you, or any of your Crew, that will say more than I have said. And now, jack, seeing you have told me your Secrets with as much Vanity and hopes of succeeding in your design, as Coleman had, when he discovered the main of the Popish Plot to Sir Edmundbury Godfrey, out of a Vainglorious Bravado, I will tell you that our Friends are not so short sighted as you imagine; they know your Designs well enough, and have it in their power to prevent 'em: You are mistaken if you think that they who have given such Sums to prevent the Invasions of the French to join your Cutthroat Crew, will leave the Kingdom defenseless, though there be no Standing Army allowed; those Gentlemen are able to satisfy the King that he may have a Force ready at Command for the Defence of the Nation, composed of the best of the Disciplined Troops and the Militia, besides all Honest Men, who won't grudge to be Volunteers in so good a Cause; and the very Countenance of such will make your Party and their Supporter, betake themselves to their Heels again, secundum usum Sarum.  jack. 
That's pleasant; How can you have any of the Disciplined Troops, when you once Cashier them? They will be so disgusted, that they will scorn to serve you any more.  Will. 
Ay, jack, so you say; but don't you think that those of 'em that are honest, and fought out of a Principle of Love to their Religion and Country, will do the same again upon occasion? And such of 'em as have not wherewith to maintain themselves, don't you think the Wisdom of the Nation able to provide for them, either by employing them in Manufactures, or having them Listed as Militia Men? And for your jacobite Dammee Scum, it will be a good riddance to the Nation to have the Army purged of them, and of such Mercenary Fellows as you talk of, that are unwilling to be Disbanded when there's no occasion for them; and I hope you will find there are Honest Williamite Officers in great numbers in the Army that are Men of Estates, and glad to have the opportunity of laying down their Arms for the Ease of their Country, and will as cheerfully take them up again for the Defence of it when there's need; and if there be not enough of them in this Nation, there's no reason to doubt of having enough from the other two. You see the Scots have been prodigal enough of their blood to assist us, and that the Protestants in Ireland wrought Wonders against your Brethren the French and Irish, before they had the Army of your Church sent under the Conduct of Kirk to assist them; and a sorry Assistance they had till Duke Schomberg and His Majesty went over.  jack. 
Well, well, I hope we shall have a fair Trial of Skill for it some time or other, and then we shall see how bravely your Militia and New-modelled Army will perform.  Will. 
Why truly, jack, I believe the Militia will do no great Feats as at present Modelled, no more than those Regiments of the Standing Army that were raised by K. james to withstand the Prince of Orange, can be supposed to do; and therefore you may assure yourself that our Friends will take care to have the Militia Officers well sifted, and all the jacobite Chaff purged out before ever they expect any Service from the●●●●nd there's no doubt but the like Method will be taken with the Fleet: And Friend jack, I must needs be plain with you, if your Friends had not been too precipitant in getting some of the best Regiments we had Cashiered first, your Army might in all probability have remained some time longer at least, without being questioned: But our Friends perceiving that the Regiments raised in this King's time, were Disbanded first, and the old Arbitrary Tools raised in the late Reigns kept up, they could not but think that there was a Snake in the Grass, and therefore resolved to send all a going, except what was necessary to be kept up for the Honour of the Government. So that whatever your Party may fancy, they will certainly lose very much by the Dissolution of the present Army; for had they continued on foot, they or a great part of them at least, which might have been ready to have assisted you upon a French Invasion, or have animated a certain Party (you know who) to cut off the King, whilst they had such Tools in readiness to overturn all that he had been doing towards the securing of our Religion and Property since the Revolution, and to have brought the Whigs under the Lash again; but now you are like to be disappointed.  jack. 
Have you so little Honour in you, as to think that the Army which has defended you so bravely abroad, would ever enslave you at home?  Will. 
Truly, jack, I must be plain with you, the defence we have made abroad, is as much owing to the King's Conduct in disappointing and baffling the Designs of the French, by observing their Motions, and counteracting them, as was visible in that Glorious March which saved Brussels and most of the Spanish Netherlands, as to the Valour of the Army; though to give them their due, most of 'em fought it gallantly when they had opportunity: But I must tell you further, That it's safer to trust them abroad than at home; there they were obliged in Honour to fight, because they were joined with other Nations that would; nor was it safe for them to fly in a Country where they were not over-well beloved; neither had they the Pestilent jacks, and Passive-Obedience-Men there to persuade them that they were fight against the Interest of the Church, as they have here.  jack. 
I perceive the Church is a mighty Eyesore to you; you discover yourself plainly now to be no true Churchman, whatever you have pretended all along.  Will. 
That's like one of thy jacobite Slanders; the World knows I am a true Churchman, though I ne'er could think fit to be in the Interests of that Church that would needs have the Civil and Military Power entrusted only in the Hands of such Fellows as cut the Earl of Essex's Throat, murdered the Lord Russell, Coll. Sidney, Alderman Cornish, etc. who can never be enough lamented: And to be yet plainer with you, I never was of that Church that was for surrendering all the Charters of our Corporations, and exalting the Prerogative above Law; nor of that Church which opposed King William's coming to the Crown, as being contrary to the Divine Right of Lineal Succession. The very Turks have a better Notion of Humane Liberty than that comes to, as is clear by their Dethroning of one of their Sultan's lately, and setting up another in his place, whom they thought more fit to govern: Whereas the Church you talk of, would serve us as the Danish Stories tells us they have been sometimes served, viz. have the Offspring of Vrsus a Bear, half Man and half Beast, set up to reign over them; and those of Norway had a Dog appointed to be their Governor: To the same degree of Slavery would the Doctrine of Passive Obedience have brought us, as preached up in the late Reigns, viz. That it was not lawful to take up Arms against the King, or those Commissioned by him, upon no account whatsoever; and if your Church had believed that Doctrine herself, she ought not to have resisted K. james, if he had sent Dogs instead of Popish Priests to govern your Colleges and Consciences, and to be your Justices of Peace and other Magistrates. Thus, jack, I think it is apparently not the Interest of this Nation to have a Standing Army continued in it, mostly composed of such Men, as though they know not what Religion means, yet at the Instigation of your Church might be influenced to overturn all that His Majesty hath done since the Commencement of His Glorious Reign, in case of His Death.  jack. 
Don't trouble yourself, Will; we shall have no occasion for your Standing Army: K. james has 20000 English, Scotch and Irish in pay in France, who will embark at a convenient opportunity, and seize yours and all other Confederate Ships in the French Ports to assist to transport them, without putting his Brother of France to the srouble of laying an Embargo upon them: And though your Managers of Sea Affairs, at least some of 'em, have generally betrayed you, yet I'll warrant you there will be sufficient care that you shall not have the same advantage of us; besides, we may have such a Wind as may keep your Fleet in Port, while ours shall do your Business; and then a Fig for you: We shall all be likewise ready to join him, and it will not be in your power to oppose us without a Standing Army.  Will. 
Nay now, jack, I perceive thou art a Warrior as well as a Statesman. But how do you think your Fleet can escape our Squadrons, when posted so as some of them must needs fall in with your small Craft at least?  jack. 
Don't you take care of that; though we have not a N. M. among the Ministers of State, we have a P. N. in the Admiralty; we know all the Stations of your Squadrons, and shall find means either to bribe your Commodores, or if that will not do, to find some how or other that your Squadrons shall want Orders or Provisions, or mix some poisonous Drug amongst your Beef or Water: Such things you know have been talked of; and what has been, may be.  Will. 
But do you suppose, jack, that now His Majesty has time to inquire into the Abuses that have crept into the Administration, you can so easily play those Tricks as formerly? What if there should be a strict Enquiry made by the Parliament into all the Tricks put upon the Government since the Revolution, and some of your Party should be Hanged for them? Don't you think that will put a stop to your further Adventures?  jack: 
And don't you know, Will, that whenever you began to make such an Enquiry, we have had Interest enough, if not otherways, yet by our Money, to put a stop to it, and to get the Enquirers sent a packing? Tho we have not so many Wiles as the Fox in the Fable, yet we have one neverfailing one with the Cat; and that is, whenever the Curs begin to bark, we either secure ourselves in the Steeple, or Jupiter's Lap, or both perhaps at the same time.  Will. 
I understand your Cant, jack, you mean that you accuse the Enquirers of having a design against the Church and State, and so provide for the Escape of the Guilty. But what if our Friends, who have had notice often enough of this Intrigue of yours, should now spoil it?  jack. 
Let 'em if they can, I believe it is not in their power.  Will. 
Nay, be not too confident, jack, I have read of a Fox, that when close hunted, used to catch hold of a Bush with his Teeth, and throw himself over a Rock, so that the Dogs that pursued him, endangered the breaking of their own Necks, and missed their aim; but this being perceived at last, the Bush was cut up; and the Fox when he thought to have recourse to it as formerly, broke his Neck.  jack. 
Pray make the Application, Will: Do you intent then to cut up the Church and State?  Will. 
Not so, jack, but to cut up your false Pretensions of Zeal for them, when at the same time you are sapping their very Foundations; and this our Friends may easily do by publishing a Declaration of your Knavish Designs in making use of that false Pretext.  jack. 
Nay indeed, Will, if they should do so, it might do us a Mischief; but I hope we have more Friends amongst you than to suffer it to come to that Issue.  Will. 
You may flatter yourself as you will, yet the Nation has so much respect for the King, that they will never suffer you nor your Friends beyond Sea, to effect that in time of Peace, that you were not able to do in time of War. King William has the Hearts, Hands and Purses of all true Englishmen at his Command: and though it may not perhaps be thought fit either for his nor the Nation's Interest, which are inseparable, to have a Standing Army continued upon the present footing; yet there's no doubt but such Methods will be taken, as shall sufficiently make up that: For a King of England, who stands so well in the Affections of His Subjects as His present Majesty does, can never be supposed to want a Standing Army when the Commons of England are resolved to stand by him with their Lives and Fortunes: 'Tis certain the Immortal Queen Elizabeth reckoned herself safer in the Hearts and Affections of her good People, than the present Fr. K. can pretend to be with hundreds of Thousands of Mercenary Fellows, who are always ready to fight for those that give them most, or pay them best. And you are much mistaken, jack, if you think our Friends have so good an Opinion of the Integrity of your Foreign Champion, as to rely upon his Oaths or Treaties, but will take care that if he should, under the Covert of Peace, attempt to rob our British Orchard, to be so well prepared, that he shall find himself obliged with the Fox in the Fable, to go back by the same way he came and say, Hang it they are but sour Crabs, when the plain English of the matter was, that he could not come at them.  jack. 
Well, well, Banter on; I am satisfied our Friends will have one touch with you soon or late, the Passage of France being now open; we can remit Money to our King, without any danger; and there are French Generals enough at leisure to command the Troops he brings with him.  Will. 
Ay, jack, we have Confederate Generals enough at leisure too; and I suppose your French Generals remember the Fate of their Brethren Maimont and St. Ruth in Ireland; the first was knocked o'th' Head by the brave Col. Murray, a roughhewn Irish Scot, before the Walls of Derry; the other was sent to Hell from Agrim, together with his Brethren the Irish Cutthroats, to answer for Persecuting the French Protestants at home, and the British Protestants abroad. And for your old Champion, we are not afraid of him; he was so accustomed to Horse-racing at Newmarket, in his Brother's time, that he never gets on Horseback but he fancies he's a running for a Prize: Nay, he's so used to running of Races, that he could not forbear giving a Specimen of his Art even at Sea, where he did so run from one Ship to another in Solbay, etc. that he outrun the Dutch Ball by many Leagues, so as they could never come near him; and you know the Proverb, jack, Like Master like Man; Running is become so natural to the jacobites, that they are as easy to be known by that Character, as King Charles the Second Friends, who came panting to Whitehall before Venner and his Enthusiastical handful, and told the Court (as if there had been any danger of their being mistaken) that they were Cavaliers; upon which that Witty Prince replied, He thought so by their running. And thus, jack, you are convinced now, I hope, that I am for a Standing Army or none; and that all the hopes of your Party from our want of a Standing Army are vain; for you may assure yourself, that the Nation will never leave themselves destitute of a sufficient Force, whether standing or not standing, to encounter your Irish Army, that's ready when called for, and all their French and British Adherents: and seeing no Body ever proposed the Disbanding of the Army without paying them first, we are in no great hazard of bring surprised without a Standing Force, especially now that we know the number of your Teagues in readiness; for upon my Shoul, my dear Joy, I am not afraid that they can Invade us before they come at us, though their Countrymen have a special Faculty at overtaking People before they come at 'em.  jack. 
Ay, but our brave old Champion at the head of his 18000 Irish and other Papists, with what he may have besides on the other as well as this side the Water, may be able to do your Business.  Will. 
Why truly jack, I believe if any can do our Business, it must be they; for they have slain hundreds of Thousands at once, and so made short work on't: but then 'tis only when they have met with defenceless People; for if they find any resistance, (though they have that brave Champion, whose Heels have been more serviceable to him than his Hands, at the Head of 'em) they'll be sure to fly for it, and may be cut down the Bridge to hinder their Enemy's Pursuit of 'em, before they have got over it themselves.  jack. 
You are so full of your Banter, that I'll talk no more with you, but take my leave of you, hoping our Glorious Enterprise will end in a second Happy Restoration; and then we'll make you know the true comfort and benefit of a Standing Army; that the dethroning of King james was as horrid a Crime as the taking off the Blessed Martyr's Head; and that those that put the Crown on the Prince of Orange's Head, deserve the same Fate with the Martyr's pretended Judges.  Will. 
Prithee, jack, don't trouble yourself so much; for no doubt your ill-contrived Ruin of others will come home to your own Doors; all you can expect will be this, that if we be Hanged in the Morning, you must have the same Fate in the Afternoon. So Farewell.  
The END.