BELLAMIRA, OR THE MISTRESS, A Comedy: As it is Acted by Their Majesty's Servants.  
Written by the Honourable Sir CHARLES SEDLEY Baronet.  
Licenced, May 24. 1687.  
Rog. L'Estrange.  
LONDON: Printed by D. Mallet, for L. C. and Timothy Goodwin, at the Maidenhead over against St. Dunstan's Church in Fleetstreet. 1687.   

The PREFACE TO THE READER.  
I Know very well the danger of Writing in such an age where the best Wits Chose rather to be lookerson, then expose their stock of reputation to Public censure. Nor did I design any to myself by this Play: It was originally Menander's in the Greek, Terence's in the Latin; whose great names gave me a Curiosity to try how I could make it run in English: A Friend came to my Chamber as I was upon the first Act, he seemed to approve my design: I told him I found it extreme easy to go through with: And that if he could get it Acted under his own or another's Name, I would finish it for him: But for I know not what reasons he could not do it; and I was obliged to own it myself, or my friend had lost his third day The whole Play runs upon a Rape committed by a Lover under the disguise of an Eunuch, and an indulgent Keeper, governed and Jilted by his Imperious Mistress, which parts were so essential that they could not be omitted, nor well fitted to our Stage without some expressions or Metaphors, which by persons of a ticklish imagination, or overquick sense that way, seemed too lascivious for modest Ears; I confess after the Plays I have seen lately Crowded by that fair Sex: the exception did not a little surprise me; And this sudden change of theirs made me call to mind our English weather, where in the same day a man shall Sweat in Crape, and wish for a Campagn Coat three hours after. I am very unhappy that the Ice that has borne so many Coaches and Carts, should break with my Wheel barrow: I confess to have taken my Idea of Poetry more from the Latin than the French: and had rather be accused of some Irregularities, than tire my Reader or Audience with a smooth even stream of insipid words and accidents; such as one can neither like nor find fault with. But Reader between what will not please, and what will not pass at this time; there is so little left to be said on this or any other Subject, that I will keep thee no longer at the Door. Go in and Judge for thyself, see what the Modesty of this year takes offence at, and I am confident thou wilt with me congratulate the happy change. And yet absolve both the Poet and the Translator from any unprecedented indecency.   

PROLOGUE.  
IS it not strange to see in such an Age  
The Pulpit get the better of the Stage?  
Not through Rebellion as in former days,  
But Zeal for Sermons and neglect for Plays.  
Here's as good Ogling vet, and fewer spies.  
For Godly Parents watch with whites of Eyes.  
Here Gallants do but pay us for your Room,  
Bring if you please, your own brisk wit from home.  
Proclaim your drunken fray's three benches round  
What Claps you've met with, and what puuks are sound  
Who are the Bully-rocks: and who gives ground.  
We take all in good part, and never rage:  
Tho the shrill Pit be louder than the Stage.  
There you must sit demure, without a word:  
Nor Perruque combed, nor Pocket tortoise stirred  
Here you may give the Lie, or draw your Sword.  
Be lowed and senseless, huff, dumbfound, and roar;  
Till all the Lady's and some gallants scour.  
What free born subject, or true English heart,  
Would with such Rights and Privileges part?  
When our two houses did divide the Town,  
Each Faction zealously maintained their own,  
We lived on those that came to cry us down.  
Our Emulation did improve your sport:  
Now you come hither but to make your Court:  
Or from adjacent Coffee Houses throng  
At our sourth Act for a new Dance or Song.  
To set all right we yet could make a shift;  
Had we a few good Livings in our gift.  
Your hearts are ours, and let whoever preach  
The young and fair will practise what we teach.  
Our Play old virtuous Rome the Eunuch named  
But modest London the lewd title damned.  
Our Author tried his own and could not hit:  
He now presents you with some Foreign Wit.   

Dramatis Personae.  

Merryman.  
Keepwell.  
Lionel.  
Eustace.  
Cunningham.  
Dangerfield.  
Smoothly.  
Pisquil.   

Bellamira.  
Isabel.  
Thisbe.  
Silence.  
Betty.   

Bullies.  
Bailiffs.  
Linkboyes.    

ADVERTISEMENT.  
Mixed Essays upon Tragedies, Comedies, Italian Comedies, English Comedies, and Operas to his Grace the Duke of Buckingham. Written Originally in French by the Sieur de Saint EUREMONT.  
Printed for Timothy Goodwin, at the Maidenhead over against St. Dunstan's Church in Fleetstreet, 1687.   

Bellamira, OR THE MISTRESS  

ACT I. SCENE I.  Merriman and Keepwell. Merry. 
I Ever told you, this Woman would be the ruin of you: all must go to make her fine, and every New Gown you give, gets you a new Rival.  Keepw. 
Thou thinkst all Money thrown away, that is not spent in a Tavern: thou hast no taste of Love, scarce any remains of Lust, or thou wouldst never Rail at so Divine a Creature as my Bellamira.  Merry. 
You are resolved to go to her again; notwithstanding the damned trick she served you with the Sea Captain and your noble resolution to the contrary? I'll see her hanged first! No, though she beg it a thousand times, and with a thousand tears, I'll n'e'r go near her!  Keepw. 
Did I say such bug-words?  Merry. 
Yes, and a great deal more.  Keepw. 
'Twas when I was in my Altitudes, what? Rebel against my Lawful Sovereign Bellamira! I'll go to her tho, and show her I am not such a Cully as she takes me for.  Merry. 
Have a care what you do: If you once begin and done't go through with her, you settle her Empire for ever; and when she finds her own strength, that you are not able to leave her, she will use it like a Tyrant: And though you be the injured party, after six kind words and a false tear or two, you must make your peace with a Present of China or a French Petticoat.  Keep. 
These are sad Truths; but when my Bell. frowns I had rather be in a Sea-Fight for the time, I'll say that for her, though 'tis soon over. I gave her but a dozen pair of Marshal Gloves, and she was in the purest Humour all day! We took the Air in the afternoon, Supped and went to Bed together.  Merry. 
That was a gaudy day indeed, but I fear you'll give so long, till you have nothing left.  Keepw. 
I had rather give a little Money, than Lie, Flatter and Forswear myself as the Gallants of the Town do: I love to go to Sleep with a good Conscience.  Merry. 
And rise with ne'er a Penny in your Pocket; if she loved you she would not be so expensive.  Keepw. 
'Tis all to please me. Before I knew her she wore a Gown six months; and had but one poor Point of her own making.  Merry. 
Matters are well mended with her indeed since that time.  Keepw. 
I had the most to do to make her accept of an Embroidered Toylet.  Merry. 
How so?  Keepw. 
She said 'twas Money thrown away.  Merry. 
And would have it in Guineas, I warrant.  Keepw. 
Thou art a Witch, she cares not a Farthing for Fine clothes; and but for fear the Women of the Town should get me from her, would not dress herself in a Month.  Merry. 
You are too indulgent a Keeper: the poor Sinners of the Town complain of you; you raise the Market upon 'em.  Keepw. 
Why what would a man do?  Merry. 
Let one Nail drive out another: Take me a fresh Wench, a Bottle of Wine or two, and go hear some Scandal at the Rose— But here she comes, who with one Look will confound all our Devices.  Enter Bellamira. Bella. 
Oh, my dear Keepwell! I am afraid thou art Jealous of me, because I did not let thee in sooner; the news of it put me into such Fits, all our Maids were too few to hold me.  Keep. 
The news of what?  Bella. 
Of a Duel I was told thou hadst fought: there was no body to run to the Door; but thou sawst there was no man with me.  Keep. 
I saw no man indeed, but am much mistaken if I did not hear one leap out of your low Window into a Boat.  Bella. 
This Summer one or other is leaping into the River all night long.  Keep. 
Oh, that you loved like me; or I like you!  Bell. 
Why my dear Keepwell?  Keep. 
Why, then you'd never use me thus, or if you did, it would not thus afflict me: my heart is as full of Jealousy as an Egg full of meat.  Bell. 
I swear by all that's good there is no man on Earth so welcome to these Arms, as thy dear self.  Keepw. 
Why did not you let me in sooner than?  Bell. 
I was just rising out of a Bath, and I will be seen haked by no man Living.  Merry. 
Kind Soul! first she was in Fits for fear you were hurt; but now she was coming out of a Bath, and could not in modesty let you in.  Keepw. 
She fell into Fits just as she came out of her Bath.  Bell. 
I have always your good word: But I had rather you should say any thing of me, than kill my dear Keepwell with Drinking. But now I'll tell you the business I came about: Can your Drunken Friend keep a Secret?  Merry. 
If it be a Truth; but it prove a Lie, a Flame, a Wheadle, 'twill out: I shall tell it the next man I meet.  Bell. 
My Father was a Merchant, and Breaking here in Town, my Mother went to Jamaica, and took me with her.  Merry. 
This may be kept secret.  Bell. 
There a Person of Quality fell in Love with her, and amongst other Presents, gave her the finest Girl I ever saw, stolen out of England by some Kidnappers.  Keep. 
What are they?  Bell. 
Rogues that make a Trade of Stealing Children and Selling them.  Merry. 
Was she a Gentlewoman?  Bell. 
She said so, and she seemed so.  Keep. 
Not so pretty as thou art I warrant her.  Bell. 
Her Father and Mother were Dead; her Brother's name she told us; my Mother bred her as if she had been her own Child, so that most people thought us Sisters; I came back with a Friend, the only Person I had then a Concern with, who gave me all I have.  Merry. 
These are two Whiskers!  Bell. 
Why so?  Merry. 
Because you were never true to one Man: nor did he give you all you have; my Friend here having presented you with two thousand Pound at least.  Bell. 
Will you let me go on with my Story? My Mother left this pretty Creature Isabel almost grown a Woman, to an Uncle of mine, for some Money that she owed him, and could not otherwise pay: He thinking she might yield a good Price, carries her over into Spain, and there Sells her to one Dangerfield, who buys her and puts her to wait on his Sister: he is now in England, and offers her me.  Merry. 
Did he know that she was formerly your Companion?  Bell. 
Not in the least; but since hearing of my concern with you, he seeks all the excuses he can, not to perform his Promise; and says that he knows as soon as I have, her he shall be slighted, and you received; for he has heard how dearly I Love thee.  Keepw. 
All the Town knows there is no Love lost. Is this all?  Bell. 
No, I have a small request to thee my Dear.  Merry. 
Now for a Coach, new Bed, or the Payment of an old Debt.  Bell. 
You are mistaken Sir; could I help it I would not put my dear Keepwell to the Charge of one of your Drunken Clubs in a Year.  Merry. 
You spend it him in Coach-hire, Puppy-water and Paint, every day of your Life.  Bell. 
Peace, thou moving Dropsy, that wadlest with Fat, worse than a Goose with Egg  Merry. 
No man that had to do with you, e'er lost his Shape; Fluxing and Sweating are great Preservatives.  Keep. 
This is rudeness and not Wit; come thou art my best Companion and she my dearest Mistress. As our modern Poet has it; 
If not in Friendship, live at least in Peace.   
What is it thou wouldst Command?  Bell. 
Command! only a trifling Suit I have.  Keep. 
It must be a strange one if I refuse it; Is it in my power?  Bell. 
It is.  Keep. 
Then speak and be sure to obtain it, as if thou ask'dst it of thyself. I have not given thee any thing all this day.  Bell. 
'Tis no Money matter: there are many Reasons why I would have this Isabel from Dangerfield: First because we were bred together, like Sisters, and of all the World I love her next thy dear self; and if I could restore her to her Friends, who I hear are very considerable, I doubt not of a good Reward: so that I shall never need trouble thee for any thing more.  Merry. 
This is a good Wheadle.  Keep. 
But how will you get her? You say Dangerfield repents him of his promise.  Bell. 
'Tis but thy going into the Country for a day or two, and I shall easily persuade that swaggering Fool out of her. You don't answer me.  Keep 
What should I answer thee, thou worst of Women?  Merry. 
She would only lie with this roaring Rascal a Night or two, while you are in the Country: can you have the heart to deny her?  Keep. 
If I deny her, she'll be outrageous; and if I do not, I shall have Elks horns at my return. I understand you Isabel; and you were bred up like Sisters, you would restore her to her Friends, and so Dangerfield must be received, and I banished; and why? but that you love him better than ever you did me, and are afraid this Young Wench should get the Lusty Stallion from you.  Bell. 
She loves me so, she would not be my Rival, tho' in thee, young, kind, and handsome as thou art.  Keep. 
Is this Soldier than the only Man that made a considerable Present? When has my Bounty failed? Didnot you ask the other Day a Blackamoor, and then an Eunuch, out of a mere Humour, because Princes use 'em, and straight I pawned a Ring to buy 'em for you? I should not urge my Bounty, did I not find that you forget it. There was a Settlement drawing too.  Bell. 
Nay, rather than you shall take it ill, I will Renounce this Isabel, the dear Companion of my Youth, for ever, and all the World beside.  Keep 
Did not you say you could renounce this Isabel, and all the World for me?  Merry. 
Yes, rather than lose your Settlement.  Bell. 
I did; and will, my Dear! I can go into a Cloister, since I have lost my power with you, I care not for the rest, I'll to a Monastery, and there I'll Pray for you.  Keep. 
I scorn to be outdone in Kindness: I will go into the Country for a day or two, and let Dangerfield do his worst. Go into a Monastery! I had rather hold the Door myself.  Merry. 
When she's a Nun I'll be a Friar: They all say as much.  Keep. 
But, if she should, where should I have such another Dear, Pretty, Sweet Rogue?  Merry. 
There are hundreds as fine Women to be had, by the day, by the week, or how you will.  Keep. 
'Tis not the first time she has threatened to go into a Monastery, upon discontents between us: I was forced to give her a New Bed, the last Summer, and Plate for her Chamber, or I had lost her.  Bell. 
'Tis but two days, and I am thine for ever.  Keep. 
Hang two days among Friends.  Bell. 
'Tis I shall be the greatest Sufferer, who must endure the Man I loath, and part with him I love. Besides, this Dangerfield is such a troublesome quarrelsome Fellow, I should never have one Minutes quiet, if you were in Town together, for fear of some mischief or other.  Keep. 
Nay, there would be Bloodshed every hour, that's certain; I ne-never could endure a Rival in my Life.  Bell. 
I know thou art both brave and jealous, that makes me so afraid for thee: If he should Kill thee, poor Dear, he has nothing to lose, and would easily get his Pardon; but shouldst thou Kill him, all the world can't save thee, thou hast been such a Whig. Besides, I am too honest a Woman to have any interest at Court.  Keep. 
It shall never come to that, I'll away into the Country, and as it happens have a little business there; I shall come up so vigorous, and so Loving; we'll have a Sack-Posset, and go to Bod together, tho' it be at Noonday: But see, my Friend, the Black a more and Eunuch be delivered to Bellamira in my absence.  Merry. 
I will carry them myself, and try what Mettle Bellamira is made of in his absence: she is the prettiest Wench in the Town, and his Present will make me welcome.  Keep. 
For two long Days and todious Nights, Farewell.  Bell. 
I fear my Keepwell, thou think'st me one of those little Creatures of the Town; but I have told thee nothing but the Truth: nor is there Man on Earth I would prefer to thee. All I do, is merely in compassion to pretty Isabel, in hope to restore her to her Brother, whom by some Tokens she gave me, I think I have found, and am this Night to Treat with.  Keep. 
Farewell, my dearest Bellamira, I am gone.  Bell. 
Well, now I see thou dost deserve my Love.  Enter Cuningham and Eustace. Cun. 
Yonder's Merryman, Fat, Smooth, and looks Young still; a very Bacchus incarnate.  Merry. 
I swallow more Wine, than Pills or Diet-drink, sit up till Three, and drink my three Bottles.  Cun. 
I met the pretty'st Creature in New Spring-Garden! her Gloves right Marshal, her Petticoat of the New Rich Indian Stuffs, her Fan Colambor: Angel-water was the worst Sent about her.  
I am sure she was of Quality.  Merry. 
And I warrant, you think she came to meet you there?  Cun. 
Not so: She came to take her Fortune among the Young Fellows of the Town, and Chance threw her upon me; I have found she lies in the Mall.  Merry. 
There are Whores of all sorts; but if she had lain in an Alley, you might have more hope of her.  Cun. 
Have not you the best Wine and Tobacco, where you come  Merry. 
Yes, that I have.  Cun. 
Why then should you not think, a Man that makes it his business, as I do, may have the finest Women?  Merry. 
I pay 'em well, and get custom to Taverns where I go; a Wench may starve that has had to do with you; no Man will venture upon her, who has any Reverence for his Nose: Nor have you any thing to give 'em but the Pox.  Cun. 
You can do as little to a Woman as I can give: And for your soundness, if Palsy, Gout, and Dropsy may be called so, your drunken impotence is the reason of it.  Eust. 
Will this Quarrel never be at end? Cuningham is the Darling of the Ladies, and Merriman the delight of all good Fellows. What's become of our Old Friend Keepwel?  Merry. 
We have lost him: He was once an honest well humoured Fellow, tho' he had never much Wit, but since his Acquaintance with Bellamira.  Eust. 
What, she that was so well known at Jamaica?  Merry. 
That's true, but he won't believe it: She has persuaded him 'twas an Elder Sister's she is handsomer, and he more in Love with her than ever. You know how miserable he was.  Eust. 
He always grudged his Club, if it came to above half a Crown.  Merry. 
How plain he went?  Eust. 
He bought all his clothes of a Whole sale Man.  Merry. 
Now there's no Tailor curious enough for him.  Cun. 
'Tis a great change, but I cannot blame him; she is a delicate Creature, and I was one of the first that Debauched her.  Eust. 
I thought you would not have confessed so much Age.  Cun. 
I mean I was one of the first had her, after she came over: she Loved me dearly, poor Rogue, but I was not able to maintain her.  Merry. 
One man may as well satisfy, as maintain her; she is the most expensive Jade I ever knew; she has run Keepwell a thousand Pound in Debt within this Twelve month: I have been at a woeful parting between them.  Cun. 
He has not turned her off I hope? For I go and Sup there sometimes, upon the old account. She is one of my Piz Allez.  Merry. 
No; she has turned him off for two days: he has left an Eunuch in Town, which I am to present her for him anon.  Cun. 
I'll tell you a Secret; I had like to have been surprised there by Keepwell himselfe'ne now; we were just got to Bed together.  Eust. 
And how got you off?  Cun. 
She made him Knock half an hour at the Door, whilst I leapt out of one of her lower Windows into a Boat that waited for me But Morriman, you must say nothing upon honour, now you are trusted.  Merry. 
Not I, I have told him of thy lying with her and Forty others, an hundred times, and he will never believe me; he is the most incorrigible Cully, I begin to be of her side.  Cun. 
I will drink a Bottle more with thee at Night for that: A Man of honour should always take the Lady's parts.  Eust. 
What made you run away? I thought you had been allowed to visit.  Cun. 
I am so, but not in my Shirt and Nightgown, as I was with her. She was just out of a Bath, the Sweetest, Whitest, Plumpest, Kindest Rogue.  Eust. 
'Twas a Damned disappointment.  Cun. 
Not quite, I took my leave of her like a Gentleman.  Merry. 
I wonder Keepwell continues sound, coming after thee in this manner.  Cun. 
There was a Plague in Sixty Six, but what is that to London now? there was a Fire too: but it is since new Built, and more beautiful than ever; are not you Sober now, tho' you were Drunk last Night?  Merry. 
Not quite.  Cun. 
A Dish of Coffee or two will make you so, and do you think there's no Redemption in other Cases?  
When they were first acquainted, I Writ all his Billet doux for him, for Keepwell you know has nothing but the Purse and Dotage of a good Lover; he would give me now and then five Guineas for a Song for her, which Eyelet her know was mine; when I saw her next, we Laughed at the poor Fool together.  Merry. 
I'll say that for him, he is fitted with a Friend and a Mistress.  Cun. 
You know he is but a dull silly Fellow.  Merry. 
And therefore you may very honestly pretend Friendship, borrow his Money and lie with his Mistress.  Cun. 
A Pious Citizen that goes to Church twice a day, will play the Knave in a Bargain; a Lawyer take your Fee, and for a good Sum of Money, be absent when your Cause is tried; a Parson Marry you to a great Fortune without a Licence; We are all Regues in our way, and I confess Woman is my weak side; And yonder goes an odd Fellow, with a very pretty Wench: what a Toss she has with her head, and a jet with her breech?  Merry. 
'Slight, 'tis Smoothly, Dangerfield's man, carrying that pretty Creature to Bellamira, for a Present from his Master.  Cun. 
She has as good a Face as Bellamira herself.  Eustace's Man brings him a Note. Eust. 
Smallwit, Wildman, and Lyonel, have sent their excuses, and cannot Dine.  Merry. 
Let's give the House something, and Dine there to Morrow: I am invited to a Vension-Pasty, and a dozen-bottles among Four.  Cun. 
I have some Ladies to Entertain at Knightsbridge; and hate a nasty Tavern.  Eust. 
Since you are all provided for, I'll shift, for myself.  [Exeunt. Enter Bellamira and Thisbe. Bell. 
He's gone, and we are free as Mountain Air.  This. 
You have absolute Dominion over him; but to make him accessary to his own disgrace, was such a Masterpiece!  Bell. 
Now will he entertain a better opinion of me than ever: he'll think I do nothing without his consent, since I once asked him it, and in so nice a Point.  This. 
What said Merryman, my sweet Guardian?  Bell. 
All he could, you must take him off for me.  This. 
I am but his second Inclination; a Drawer in a good Tavern has more Interest in him, than I  Bell. 
But Keepwell is the Loyalest Cully! nothing will make him Mutiny.  This. 
Sure you think he can read in no Book but his own, or you durst never use him so.  Bell 
There are few of those Clerks now-adays: this is a Learned Age. When saw you Cuningham?  This. 
He comes sometimes and professes his Love and Soundness to me.  Bell. 
Believe him in neither, they say he's a false Fellow.  This. 
Theard he was formerly a great Servant of yours.  Bell. 
What a Lying World this is! I never saw him in my Life.  This. 
That's strange and live about this Town.  Bell. 
Is he handsome? Black? or Fair?  This. 
Between both.  Bell. 
Has he much Wit?  This. 
As if you did not know!  Bell. 
I swear, not I  This 
Jilting Devil! I'd not know him so well for a Thousand Pound: but 'tis the Trick of most of 'em; though they own Twenty, they will forswear some one.  Bell. 
Oh, that I had thy Youth, and Beauty!  This. 
You have enough of both, considering your Judgement and Experience.  Bell. 
We Women are easiliest deceived, when we are most worth it: Cunning and Wrinkles come together.  This. 
You have no reason to complain; all the young Fellows that come out of France, pay Tribute to you, as certainly as to the Groom-Porter: I wonder Keepwell is never told of it.  Bell. 
He has been told it a hundred times: Two or three Stories that the Authors have not been able to make out, have done me great Service; and so confirmed my Empire.  This. 
But you are in continual fear.  Bell. 
I have broke him of all his Censorious Acquaintance.  This. 
That was a great Point gained; but how?  Bell. 
I tell him such a one will Cheat him, another will bring him into Quarrels, a third speaks ill of him behind his Back, a fourth is obnoxious to the great ones, and will hinder his Preferment: So that I have scarce left him one Friend that will tell him a true word.  This. 
You are a great Politician.  Bell. 
There goes more to our Trade, than a good Face: I have known many of these unthinking Butterflies, Debauched, Poxed, and in Goal, the same Summer: Let's up into my Chamber; I must set myself out for Dangerfield he'll be here anon.  This. 
Will you use the Paint was sent in by the French Woman this Morning?  Bell. 
By all means: Lying and Painting are sure Baits to Catch a Fool with.  This. 
What sort of Fellow is that Dangerfield?  Bell. 
A Beau Garcon of Fifty, with a Blue Chin, stiff Beard, and soforth.— Loves the Old Fashioned Greasy way of giving Treats, will Dance Country Dances till he Sweat like a Running Footman; tires himself first, and then makes Love.  This. 
They say he has been Handsome.  Bell. 
'Twas so long ago every Body has forgot it, but himself: He is a pretender to Wit; but his is worse than none: as a Country Scraper is worse than no Music at all,  This. 
And yet this Fellow for a little Money,  Bell. 
No, for a great deal of Mony. I will make the Presents he gives me, my Baits to Catch others with: fine, clothes and rich Furniture, are great Provocatives to those that don't pay for'em, which are the Men for our Turn.  This. 
Like the Gentlemen that live in Town, you have your pleasure in one place, and receive your Rent from an other: 'tis the way to have your I enement thrown into your Hands.  Bell. 
Keepwell has taken a Lease for Life, and laid out so much in Improvemtnts, that I am secure of him; and for the rest, they shall pay me as they are Able.  This. 
My Guardian and I have now and then a small Quarrel, about my keeping you so much Company.  Bell. 
What, Merryman? I thought he had made Love to you.  This. 
He does sometimes.  Bell. 
He has then forfeited his Charter and aught to Talk no more like a Guardian.  This. 
Perhaps he does not like it as a Lover.  Bell. 
Does he not see that we Govern the Town? have Power and Plenty follow us? we Visit, Dance, Play at Cards, go to Hyde-park, St. James', and Sup together, and are a World among ourselves.  This. 
But like the Inhabitants of the other World, you neither Marry, nor are given in Marriage; and he would have me fit for a Husband.  Bell. 
Get Money enough and you can never want a Husband. A Husband is a good Bit to Close ones Stomach with, when Love's Feast is over. Who would begin a Meal with Cheese? Come into my Chamber, and I will instruct thee farther in these Mysteries.   

ACT II. SCENE I  Keepwell, and Merryman. Merry. 
WHAT, not gone yet? hovering like a Ghost, about your Treasure?  Keep. 
I stayed to see how my Presents took: you have delivered 'em, I hope, what says my Bellamira?  Merry. 
The Meat's hardly out of my Mouth, and I am for no Exercise upon a full Stomach: 'tis too far to walk yet.  Keep. 
Take a Coach,  Merry. 
That's as bad as the Rack, to a Man of my Intemperate, and Voracious Appetite: I am so full I should spill Terso at every jolt. We drank Gallons a piece.  Keep. 
You are Drunk then.  Merry. 
No, Sober enough to be your Worship's Pimp, and diliver your Humane Gelding to Bellamira.  Keep. 
But will you go about it Instantly, and make hast?  Merry. 
Survey my Bulk: it was not built for haste;  
'Tis the slow product of Tuns of Claret, Chines of Beef, Ven'son-Pastyes, and soforth.  Keep. 
Now you are in this humour, you will talk some Wit to her and spoil all.  Merry. 
I'll be there, before you are half a Mile out of Town, and say the sweetest things of you!  Keep. 
Thou think'st I cannot leave my Bellamira, now it comes to the Point.  Merry. 
I am somewhat doubtful.  Keep. 
Yes if it were for three days, now I am resolved.  Merry. 
What, a whole three days! Thou hast a Heart of Iron.  Keep. 
Could you be Sober so long?  Merry. 
Yes to save the Nation, or so.  Keep. 
Nothing less serve the turn?  Merry. 
Yes or to oblige Mrs. Thisbe, my Charge.  Keep. 
Thou hast always Wine and Women in thy Head together: a sure sign thou are but an indifferent Tilter— Well, I am in haste, be sure you go, and omit nothing that may endear my small Present to her.  Exit Merry. 
He's gone; but here comes our Rival's Servant, with that beautiful young Creature, again: It seems Bellamira was not at home. I'll step aside and observe her.  Enter Smoothly, and Isabel. Smooth. 
There is as much difference between Man and Man, as between Man and Beast: This Fool my Master gives away this pretty young Creature, to a stale Wench, I am but a Servant, and must obey; but were I to choose.  Isa. 
Peace, Impudence; were I to choose, I'd choose a Halter before either of you.  Smooth. 
I was not always thus a Servant, as you see me, I am a Gentleman, and once had an Estate, but now 'tis gone, must live on others, as others did on me.  Isa. 
Perhaps so.  Smooth. 
I now am fain to Lie, and Flatter for my Bread, shift for my clothes, and humour every Idle Coxcomb to get a Piece or two: Does my Patron lose? Fortune favours Fools: Does he Win? sweet is his hand, and happy are his Servants. Is he Dwarfish? his Strength is the more compact: Is he Tall? such the first Monarch's were, when Kingdoms went by Choice: Is he Ugly, and Witty which must ever be? such Ovid was, whom Julia so prized: Is he Hansom? such was Adonis, whom fair Venus Loved.  Isa. 
And were you never Cudgeled, for this nauseous Flattery?  Smooth. 
There are a sort of Men who think themselves the first in all kinds, and are the last; these I get acquainted with: nor do I attempt to please'em with my Wit, but win their hearts an easier way, by Applauding theirs If any of'em tell an old Tale, that I have Read in Print, straight I never heard any thing so well, and listen to it as if it were my Father's last Will and Testament. Does he offer at a Jest? I die with Laughing, before his Mouth opens. Does he walk Home, without taking Cold? he is hardy and fit to be a General.  Isa. 
You are a fine Rogue all this while! And what else?  Smooth. 
In short, I say as they say, deny what they deny, like what they like, and if they dispraise it again, I am ready to do so too; and find my account very well in it; while those Fops, that are fond of showing their own Wit, are hated by all my Customers; who are the only Men there's any thing to be gotten by.  Merry. 
This is a notable Fellow; and if he finds Men Fools, is enough to make'em Mad.  Isa. 
Were I a Man, I had rather die than sell my words, and prostitute my Voice to every Fool.  Smooth. 
Don't Lawyer's, Physicians, and Courtiers, when they take Money for a good Turn, sell their words? There was a blunt Comrade of mine of your mind; but I found him the other day all in Rags, not a Penny in his Pocket, nor a Friend to help him: I have nothing, and yet want nothing; strong and able; other men's Meat, and Drink, and Wives serve my Turn.  Isa. 
Leave your Prating, and move forward.  Smooth. 
Sure you are some disguised Princess, you take upon you so.  Isa. 
What I am I know not, and am only sure I am miserable.  Smooth. 
What's here my Rival's Friend Merryman, before Bellanair's Door? I knew him when I was last in Town. Your most Humble Servant Worthy Sir.  Merry. 
Yours, honest Smoothly.  Smooth. 
Will you not go in?  Merry. 
I have no business at present.  Smooth. 
You may be welcome, for your Friend Keepwell's sake.  
Do you see nothing here you would not see?  Merry. 
Nothing but thyself.  Smooth. 
You keep your old blunt way; but, look you what here is! Look you what here is! What will not Bellamira do for such a Bribe?  Merry. 
Every Dog has his day:  Smooth. 
Let me not keep you here, you were going some where else.  Merry. 
Not I  Smooth. 
Pray then, will you Introduce me to Madam Bellamira?  Merry. 
You need not fear admittance, with such a Present.  Smooth. 
But perhaps you stand here, to see that no man brings any Message from Dangerfield.  Merry. 
You are pleasant! but if I did I'd Cudgel you farther off.  Smooth. 
He is Angry, and the Fat Fool is Stout: I'll not provoke him.  Exeunt Smooth. and Isabel. Merry. 
Yonder's Lionel, Keepwell's younger Brother, he comes in haste, and seems to have something in his Head.  Enter Lionel. Lionel. 
I am undone! ruined! I have lost the sight of this Pretty Creature, and shall never find her more! which way shall I go? whom shall I inquire of? what shall I do, to have a Glimpse of her? I have only this comfort; where e'er she is, she is too Beautiful to be long Concealed. From henceforth, I blot all former Faces out of my heart: I am tired with these daily Beauties of the Town, whom we see Painted and Pateh'd in the Afternoon in the Play house, in the Evening at the Park, and at Night in the Drawing room; so that we have half enjoyed 'em before we speak to'em  Merry. 
Lost! Undone! Beautiful! I am sure I heard these words plain: he is in Love, and after the manner of that sort of Madmen is talking to himself, of his Mistress; If he be we shall have fine work; there are Ten Keepwells' in that Lionel: he'll commit Rapes, Burglaries, Fire houses, or any thing, but he'll have her; and for Money, he'll throw it a way like Dirt. I pity his poor Father; but he Grudged his Money for honest Terse, and so he's right enough served.  Lion. 
Eternal Palsies on that Cuningham's Hands, may he never be able to put his Dice into the Box; but when he does may he throw out for ever. May he Win of Beggars and lose to Bullies, and dote on Whores as Rotten as himself. But I was mad to mind him: how I envy yon Merryman, whose sluggish Blood moves in an even stream, and never knows these Storms!  Merry. 
What's the matter? you look as if you were Drunk.  Lion. 
I am worse; I am mad; I am any thing; I am in Love.  Merry. 
How Keepwell will Laugh at you! But with whom?  Lion. 
Not with a stale Wench, like him; nor any of the little Tinsel, short Lived Beauties of the Town, squeezed into shape by Tailors, and starved into it by their Mothers.  Merry. 
How then?  Lion 
A new turn of a Face, unknown till now to Nature's self, in all her Numberless Varieties.  Merry. 
'Tis wond'erous; you are Mauled; Cupid has shot you with a Blunderbus.  Lion. 
What Eyes! Teeth, white—  Merry 
As a new Tobacco-pipe  Lion. 
Peace Profane Wretch, thou art not fit to mingle in these Mysteries. Her own Complexion; her Body solid and full of Juice; the Noblest Fabric of unstinted Nature!  Merry. 
Her Age?  Lion. 
Seventeen.  Merry. 
I have drunk excellent Hockamore of that Age.  Lion. 
Damn thy dull Hockamore and thy base Jaded palate, that affects it; Could I but get this Divine Creature into my hands, by Fraud, Force, Price, Prayer, any way so that I enjoy her, I care not.  Merry. 
Who is she? she may be a Person of Quality, and you may bring an old house upon your head  Lion. 
'Tis but a Duel or two that way; and if her Relations be Numerous, we'll Fight Six to Six, and make an end on't.  Merry. 
What Country Woman is she?  Lion. 
I know not.  Merry. 
Where does she live?  Lion. 
I can't tell,  Merry. 
We are upon a very cold Scent: where did you see her?  Lion. 
In the Street; with a Servant behind her.  Merry. 
How come you to lose her?  Lion. 
That's it I was Cursing at, as I met you: Nor do I think there is a Man whom all the Stars conspire against like me. What Crime have I committed, to be thus Plagued?  Merry. 
The Stars are Pretty Twinkling Rogues, that light us home, when we are Drunk sometimes, but neither care for you, nor me, nor any man.  Lyon. 
You know Cuningham?  Merry. 
Intimately: a good honest Fellow; a little too much a Servant to the Ladies, given to Gaming.  Lion. 
Pox of his Character!  Merry. 
The Pox is part of his Character indeed, but I had forgot that.  Lyon. 
Will you not let me go on with my Story? This Fellow meets me in the nick of time, while I was following this Divine Creature, pulls me aside, and tells me I must be his Second; I go with him, we Fight, Disarm our Men, but when I came back the Bird was flown. nor could I learn any News of her.  Merry. 
I hat's very unlucky.  Lion. 
'Twas a Disaster never to be recovered, a Total overthrow to all my happiness: I had not seen him neither these six Months.  Merry 
Why did you not refuse him?  Lion. 
He's a Malicious Fellow, and would have told the whole Town of it, if I had; it was Impossible. I lost her in this Street.  Merry. 
Are you sure of that? I'll be Sober a Twelve Month, if this be not the very young Woman Dangerfield presented this Afternoon, to Belamira, your Brother's Mistress.  Lion. 
There was a Man followed her.  Merry. 
The very same: and that was his Servant Smoothly.  Lion. 
You know her then?  Merry. 
Not I; but I know whither she went  Lion. 
Dost know where she is, my Dear Merryman?  Merry. 
Don't I tell you she was presented to Bellamira by Dangerfield, your Brother's Rival?  Lion. 
A Mighty Prince this Dangerfield, that is able to make such a Present: My Brother will have a hard time on't.  Merry. 
You would say so indeed, if you saw his Present.  Lion. 
What is it?  Merry. 
An Eunuch.  Lion. 
What, that Ill-favoured Fellow he bought yesterday, that looks like an old Woman or a Ginnoy Ape?  Merry. 
The same.  Lion. 
He that earries him will be kicked out of Doors with his Present.  Merry. 
I hope not so; for I have promised to diliver him.  Lion. 
I did not know Bellamira was our Neighbour.  Merr. 
She is lately come hither.  Lion. 
Is she very handsome?  Merr. 
She is well.  Lion. 
Not comparable to mine.  Merr. 
That's your fancy: Of Children Mistresses, and Religions our own are still the best.  Lion. 
But is there no way to come at her? Thou usest to be good at a dead lift: I'll Fire the house and then at least I shall see her again.  Merr. 
Violent ways are to be used at last: I'll see what I can do for you.  Lion. 
Oh happy Eunuch! that art to live in the same house with this Divine Creature.  Merr. 
Why so? the nearer he is to a fine Woman, the more sensible must he be of his loss.  Lion. 
But he'll see continually his fair fellow Servant, sit by sometimes and talk with her, eat with her, and if nothing else, sleep near, and hear her breath.  Merr. 
What if I should make you this happy man?  Lion. 
It is Impossible: but speak; men past recovery are pleased to talk of Remedies.  Merr. 
I am entrusted to present this Eunuch to Bellamira: what if you put on his clothes, and went with me in his room?  Lion. 
I'd gladly change Conditions, Fortunes, and every thing but one with him.  Merr. 
I will present you instead of him; and you shall enjoy those rare Felicities you reckoned but up now, you shall sit by her, dress and undress her, touch, play with, and sleep near her; your age and Face will easily pass you for an Eunuch, and somewhat mend your Brother's ill-favoured Present.  Lion. 
You say right: I never knew a better design; let's about it instantly, undress me, dress me, and bring me to her immediately.  Merr. 
You are too hot: I was but in jest all this while.  Lion. 
Cut my Throat, Stab me, if thou wilt not go on with this design.  Merr. 
Let me think a little: Is not this Plot too fine spun to hold? you must be gelt indeed, or 'twill never pass; you will betray yourself.  Lion. 
Never fear it, my Face is not so much as known among 'em, the Plot is admirable, and cannot fail, what should I do there, if I were guessed?  Merr. 
You might look upon, touch, and sleep near your fair Fellow-Servant.  Lion. 
That won't do: I must and will enjoy her; thou'lt hear of me in Bedlam else.  Merr. 
I shall have all the blame: besides, 'tis a dishonest action.  Lion. 
To save a Friend's life, is an honest action: nor can it be any wrong, to Cozen those that Cousin all the World.  Merr. 
I'll serve you for once; but if any mischief comes on't, thank yourself.  Lion. 
I'll die, and never accuse thee.  Merr. 
You are strangely smitten at the first sight!  Lion. 
No. I saw her once when I was last in Spain, kneeled by her at Mass, and talked of Love to her; but could not learn her Name or Quality: next day, she said she was to come for England.  
I might have been dressed, and there by this time, let's away.  Exeunt Enter Bellamira, Isabel, and This be. Bell. 
My dearest Isabel! now I have gotten thee here, I could hug thee to pieces.  Isa. 
I am your Slave, your Servant, and all my Hopes the Creatures of your Goodness.  Bell. 
How did thy Youth and Beauty scape the roaring Dangerfield?  Isa. 
He placed me with his Sister in the house, and she took care of me; but if at any time he offered to be rude, I held a Dagger to my Breast, and vowed to kill myself.  Bell. 
How chance he did not take it from thee?  Isa. 
He did, and then I vowed I'd starve myself to Death: he laughed at me a while; but when he saw me pale, and weak, fully resolved to perish, he gave it me again: and so I escaped.  Bell. 
My Isabel, tell me truly, wert thou ne'er in Love?  Isa. 
What mean you, Madam?  Bell. 
Didst thou never find a Man more Charming than the rest, whose every word reached through thy Ears, thy Heart, whom thou couldst sit and gaze upon all day, and sigh, and wish for all night?  Isa. 
I have so many defects already, why will you press me to own a weakness, perhaps you will despise me for?  Bell. 
No, I myself have been in Love, and have had always some one Friend to whom I would gladly sacrifice what I got from others.  Isa. 
If that be to be in Love, I never was.  Bell. 
That's our way, who know the Perjuries and Vislanies of Men; How they all begin alike, with Vows, Oaths, and Protestations; and end alike with Slights and Scorns and Falsehood: some difference there may be for a while, but no great matter.  Isa. 
And are they all of this deceitful make?  Bell. 
All that ever I met with; What is it a false hearted Man won't swear to such a pretty young Creature as thou art?  Isa. 
And will they Lie too, when they have Sworn?  Bell. 
Most certainly; but we that have experience, mind words no more than they themselves do, and only regard their Presents. Say a kind thing! every pitiful Fellow can do that: give me a Man that will do a kind thing.  Enter Thisbe. This. 
Are you upon that subject? I have a couple of Servants, one is as much too Lean, as the other is too Fat; I would not lose one of 'em for the World, they are Admirable in Consort, Grumbling Base, and Squeaking Treble.  Bell. 
What, Merryman your Guardian and Cuningham?  This. 
The same; Men of Wit both: one a plain substantial Drunkard, I am sure to hear of him when he gets a Bottle in his Head, for than he ever thinks of Women; as Cowards do of Quarrelling, and most commonly I am she.  Bell. 
How does the other behave himself?  This. 
He's seldom in a condition to drink Wine; but he will sit a whole Afternoon at Cards, and say the softest things!  Bell. 
And the sharpest behind your back.  This. 
'Tis all one for that, 'tis like I am even with him at the Years End.  Bell. 
But pretty Isabel will not make her Confession to us.  Isa. 
'Tis not worth your hearing. When I was Sold to Dangerfield by your wicked Uncle, in Spain I saw a man,  Bell. 
That's my dear Girl! Come up with it.  Isa. 
Of the Divinest Form these Eyes had e'er beheld.  This. 
Ne'er be ashamed: Love, like the Small Pox, since it must be, is best had while we are young.  Isa. 
He Kneeled by me one day at Mass, and looked, and said, and sighed, the kindest things! He seemed surprised with me, as I was Charmed with him.  Bell. 
Damned wheadling Rogue! And all this at first sight I warrant.  Isa. 
We never met, but then: next day I came for England: but sure I never shall be won to love another.  Bell. 
Pretty Innocence! this is a Nation of such men thou talk'st of; every Street affords a dozen of 'em. Come, thou shalt Love, and Love, and Love again, never fear it.  This. 
We'll show her the Park, the Playhouse, and the Drawing-Room.  Bell. 
She needs no Paint, for Complexion, but 'twill not be amiss to to use Juniper Water, for good Humour, she is so melancholy, and looks as if she would not be acquainted.  This. 
It is fit men make the advance.  Bell. 
Some are such Jades, they must be Spurred up, with a quick Eye, or wanton Glance.  Enter Silence and Betty. Silence. 
Madam the Picture drawer stays for you: he says you need not sit above half an hour.  This. 
This is some new Intrigue: Who is this Picture for?  Bell. 
It was begun for Keepwell, but I have promised it to Dangerfield. I hate the boisterous Fool, he may have that, but never the Original, though he shall pay for every Inch on't.  Ex. all but Silence and Betty. Betty. 
We are Servants and must be diligent in our Calling. I am sorry we are like to be troubled with this puling Isabel, there's more ado with her, then with my Mistress herself: she is so proud and Melancholy, one can't get a word from her in a day.  Sil. 
Who can blame her? she is well Born of a good Family in Devonshire; her Father and Mother died when she was a Child, she has no friend left but her Brother, and him she knows not where to find yet, and if she should, 'tis doubtful after being so long lost, whether he would own her now.  Betty. 
As the World goes 'tis like he may be willing to save her Portion  Sil. 
She has nothing at present to depend upon, but the Friendship of Bellamira: and if she be virtuous, as I believe she is, what a trouble must that be to her! Go and see if she wants any thing.  Betty. 
Let's both go I hate a strange Face.  Sil. 
Especially if it be better than your own.  Exeunt.  

ACT III. SCENE I  Dangerfield, and Smoothly. Dang. 
I Fear poor Bellamira will lay it to Heart, I have not seen her yet: how does she like my Present?  Smooth. 
She is Ravished with it: yet seems to Prize the Giver Incomparably beyond the Gift.  Dang. 
I'll say that for Dangerfield, and a Figue for him, he makes his Presents with the best Grace of any Man in England, they are always well received.  Smooth. 
I have observed it ever. A Beating is better taken from you then any Man living.  Dang. 
I thank 'em for that; who dares do otherwise?  Enter Merryman and Lionel. Merry. 
Hold your Countenance, for yonder's Dangerfield.  Lion. 
Never doubt me: Tho I could laugh heartily, at this Martial Dress, and Furious Mien.  Dang. 
What ever was bravely performed in the Army, I still had the Honour on't; the General would have it so: to others he was not so favourable.  Smooth. 
He that has your Wit, will make a small Service go a great way; and often Reap in safety, the Fruit of other men's dangers  Dang. 
Right: Not but I venture my Body as bravely as the meanest Soldier, when the General will let me, but, to say the Truth he seldom will, he loves me so Entirely,  Smooth. 
You charge as if you were Shot-free.  Dang. 
'Tis my Comfort, that he that Shoots one Bullet into me, may chance to drive another out. The General wares me next his Heart, and often Trusts the Army to my single Conduct.  Smooth 
It shows he is well Skilled in Men.  Dang. 
And if at any time he's Tired with Impertinence of Suitors; the Noise and tumults Incident to his great Charge; he steals away with a Friend or two to me, there he unfolds his Wrinkled-Brows and Steeps his Cares in Wine within my Tent.  Smooth. 
The General, it seems, understands his Pleasure, and knows good Company.  Dang. 
No Man better. The Officers began to Envy me, and Mutter some odd things; speak out the Boldest of'em dare not. How does this Feather become me?  Smooth. 
Most Victoriously; You look like the Black Prince when he, had just Plumed the Prince of Denmark  Dang. 
Thou art a pretty Historian, I have been told I am like him: but I'll tell thee, a certain young Captain, Bolder than the rest, seeing me Gay and Frolic, lashing every Body with my Wit, as thou know'st my way is; Sneered me in the Face, and asked me, if I would never have Sown my wild Oats? I told him I could never Sow'em in a better time, than when there was such a Goose as he by to pick'em up.  Smooth 
Ha, ha, ha! You put the Goose upon him finely there; but what said he?  Dang. 
Nothing: the whole Company Laughed on my side; and he sneaked away like a Dog, with a Bottle at his Tail.  Smooth. 
I'll say that for you, You are the best at Repartees!  Merry. 
This is the most Flalttering Knave, and Dangerfield the greatest Coxcomb, I ever saw.  Lion. 
He Swallows any thing: they are well met.  Dang. 
Didst never hear how I served the Colonel, at Bartholomew-Fair?  Smooth. 
(He has told it me Fifty times; but I must prepare to Laugh at it again.) Never Sir; I long to hear it.  Dang. 
I had a pretty Wench with me; he stared her in the Face somewhat Rudely: at last I told him, I wondered he that was but but a Hare himself, should have a mind to a Coney!  Merry. 
That's one of the vilest Quibbles, I ever heard.  Lion. 
Let's hear how that Rogue will Flatter him for it.  Smooth. 
Ha, ha, ha! You had as good have called him Coward: a Hare is the fearfullest of all Beasts. Ha, ha, ha! I could die with Laughing, methinks I see him poor Fool!  Dang. 
I meant it so; but he durst not understand me. From that time forward I kept the whole Town in Awe with my Wit  Smooth. 
I would not come under your Lash, for a Thousand Pounds.  Dang. 
No, no, thou art an honest Fellow, and a great Judge of Wit and Parts. Thou shalt hear me Sing a Song that I made upon a Spanish Princess. 

SONG.  

When first I made Love to my Cloris,  
Cannon Oaths I brought down  
To Batter the Town,  
And I find her with Amorous Stories.   

Billets Doux like small Shot did ply her,  
And sometimes a Song  
Went whizizng along,  
But still I was never the nigher.   

At last she sent Word by a Trumpet,  
If I liked that Life  
She would be my Wife,  
But never be any Man's Strumpet.   

I told her that Mars would not Marry,  
And Swore by my Sears,  
Single Combats, and Wars,  
I'd rather Dig Stones in a Quarry.     
But is Bellamira satisfied I have no concern for Isabel?  Smooth. 
Havo a care of that: on the Contrary do all you can to make her Jealous. 'Twill keep her in Awe: and when she Name's Keepwel, be sure you to Answer her with Isabel: If she commend his Dancing, be sure to praise her Singing; if she speak of his Shape, Extol her Face: give her as good as she brings; 'twill make her Mad.  Dang. 
Ay, if she Loved me.  Smooth. 
How can she Choose? Your Person, your Parts, and your Reputation, are able to Charm any Woman Living: they all Love Soldiers; and while she expects, and Loves, what you give, she Loves you, and will fear that the Stream of your Bounty should turn another way.  Dang. 
Thou sayst right; I wonder I should not think of it myself.  Smooth. 
If you had thought at all, you would certainly; and of a Thousand better Devices than my poor Brains can furnish you with.  Enter Bellamira; and Silence. Bell. 
I think I heard the Thundering Voice of my brave Man of War, welcome, my Hero, my Hercules! what would thy Enemies give that I could hold thee thus for ever?  Dang. 
It would save'em Ten Thousand men's Lives, besides Castles, Towns, and their Dependences: but, my Life, my Joy, how dost thou like my Present? Is't not a fine Girl? I could have had what Money I would of my General abroad, or here; but, I thought that below a Man of Honour: We had like to have Quarrelled about her.  Merr. 
This is a Bragging Coward, as sure as a Painted Whore has an ill Complexion of her own: How bravely he begins with his own Honour, his Courage and his General!  Lion. 
And how he magnifies his own Present! which, to say truth, another could not praise too much.  Merr. 
I have a small Present from your banished Servant Keepwell; but you are going out.  Bell. 
Not yet; but anon I must.  Dan. 
What, do we stay? I am in a Fever; I have not had Woman these two days.  Merry. 
I will but deliver what was committed to my Charge for her and then leave the Fever you complain of, to her Cure.  Dan. 
Some rare business, I warrant, we know the depth of Keepwel's Purse.  Merry. 
You shall see that, this Girl here is of Ethiopia, of the Royal Blood there. I le out lie him, if possible.  Dang. 
I bought a better for five Guineas, and gave her this Morning to my Landladi's Daughter.  Smooth. 
She looks like a Warden Roasted in the Embers, or the outside of a Gammon of Bacon.  Merry. 
Come forward, here's an Eunuch; a rare Jewel, how like you him?  Bell. 
He has a very good Face! How long have you been an Eunuch?  Lion. 
I never remember myself otherwise.  Merry. 
What faies Dangerfield, and Smoothly, ha, what fault do you find? They are silent, that's praise enough for an Enemy. Try him in Italian, French, Spanish, Music, Danceing.  Dan. 
If I had this Eunuch alone, he should find I were none.  Bell. 
Go in Pisquil, and look to your Charge.  Merry. 
And yet, Madam, my Friend that sends these Gifts, does not ask that you should live for him alone. Nor does he tell of his Fights; Battles, Storms, Sieges: nor does he boast of his Scars as some do; but, when it shall be no trouble to you and when you please, think it enough if he then be Received.  Dang. 
You are very officious for your Friend Sir.  Merry. 
I shall take a time to tell you, what you are, Sir  Smooth. 
Officious for your Friend! Ha, ha, ha! You had as good have called him Pimp.  Dang. 
What dost Laugh at?  Smooth. 
At what you said to him even now.  Merry. 
Thou that cast stoop to Flatter him thus, wouldst Eat Fire in a Fair for thy living, or Rake thy Meat off from a Dunghill  Bell. 
Let's not go together.  [Exit. Merryman. Dang. 
I long to play my lower Tire of Guns at thee.  Bell. 
Go before to the Walk you know of by Kensington, and I'll meet you there.  Dang. 
I'll fly thither, as I were to beat up an Enemy's Quarters.  [Ex. Dang. and Smooth. Bell. 
If Eustace comes hither; when I am away, desire him to stay: If not, to come again: If he cannot, bring him to me; you know where I Sup: Be sure you take care of Isabel, and let none come to her but the Eunuch.  [Ex. Omnes. Enter Lionel, and Isabel. Isa. 
Why dost gaze and follow me thus, as if thou wert my Shadow?  Pisq. 
I am the Shadow of a Man indeed.  Isa. 
Leave me; and when I want thy Attendance, I will send for thee.  Pisq. 
Bellamira charged me, not to stir from you, 'twould ill become me to disobey her first Commands.  Isa. 
Thou art my Gaoler then?  Pisq. 
Not so; I am your faithful Servant, and hope my Attendance, as it is to me a Pleasure, is to you no Burden.  Isa. 
Wert thou ne'er in Spain?  Pisq. 
Why do you ask?  Isa. 
I know not, only a Foolish Curiosity I had: but' is Impossible. Joy seeks out Crowds, and Numbers; but Griefs, like mine affect Retirement.  Pisq. 
You do Indulge your Melancholy too much; If I may be so Bold, it strikes an Air of Sadness through the House.  Isa. 
I would not have my Griefs Infectious: Go play among your Fellows.  Pisq. 
I have no power to stir.  Isa. 
How so?  Pisq. 
I fear you'll do yourself some mischief, when I am gone: I dare not trust the Tempest on your Brow.  Isa. 
It is a harmless Storm, and will fall suddenly in Tears.  
The more I look upon this Youth, the more I think on him I loved in Spain: Those Eyes, that Face, and that bewitching shape!  Pisq. 
Pray leave me.  
If I have offended, be gracious; and chide me; but do not thrust me from your presence.  Isa. 
Alas! I find no fault with thee at all; 'Tis Fate and my unhappy Stars, that I repine at.  Enter Betty. Betty. 
Madam, the Bath that was Commanded, is prepared.  Isa. 
There I may steep my Limbs, but not my Grief assuage.  [Exeunt. Enter Eustace. Eust. 
The more I think of Bellamira's sending after me in this manner, the more I am to seek what she means. When I went first to her, she entertained me with a deal of Discourse, far fetched, nothing to the purpose: At last she asked me, how long my Father and Mother had been Dead? I told her, a great while; then if I had not a Seat in Devonshire, near the Sea? which I have. May be she has a mind to it, and thinks to get it of me. At last, if I had not lost a young Sister? who she was with, and what she had about her when she was lost? What she asked all these Questions for, I cannot guests; unless she would put herself upon me for that Sister, but if she be alive, she cannot be above seventeen; and Bellarima is as old as myself. Now she shall speak her mind ploinly, or trouble me no more. Is your Mistress within.  Enter Silence. Sil. 
No; but she desires to speak with you to Morrw, about the old business.  Eust. 
Come hither, let me talk with you a little about the old business.  Sil. 
I'll come no nearer; I know your Tricks well enough.  Eust. 
Will Ten Guineas do you any harm?  Sil. 
Nor Twenty neither; but what shall I tell my Mistress? Will you come?  Eust. 
I go into the Country to Morrow.  Sil. 
Pray come: She says you'll repent it, if you do not:  Eust. 
I can't possibly.  Sil. 
Will you stay here at our house, till she comes in?  Eust. 
Yes if you'll stay with me.  Sil. 
Not I. You do so touse and tumble one, and keep one so hot.  Eust. 
Thou art a pretty Maid, and may'st be a Mistress thyself. I have seen worse Faces in Glass Coaches.  Sil. 
And better in Bridewell. I think I might serve for a Month or two; but what then?  Eust. 
Nay, if you be so cautious, you'll never have a house in the Mall.  Sil. 
Nor die in a Ditch, like Jane Shore.  Eust. 
Pattens, Worsted Stockings, and course Smocks, go with thee for a Fool.  Sil. 
Will you go to my Mistress where she sups anon, and I'll bring you to her?  Eust. 
But come hither, prithee come, you are as skittish, as if you were that same all over. She is as Nimble as a Squirrel, there's no catching her.  (She runs from him. Enter Cuningham, Thisbe, and her Maid. This. 
Come, now we are alone, sing me the last New Song.  

SONG.  

Thyrsis unjustly you Complain,  
And tax my tender heart  
With want of pity for your pain,  
Or Sense of your desert.   

By secret and Mysterious Springs,  
Alas! our Passions move;  
We Women are Fantastic things,  
That like before we love.   

You may be handsome, and have Wit,  
Be secret and well-bred,  
The Person Love must to us fit,  
He only can succeed.   

Some die, yet never are believed;  
Others we trust too soon,  
Helping ourselves to be deceived,  
And proud to be undone.    Cun. 
Your humble Servant Madam: I left some Friends of yours at the Rose; Merryman begun your health in a Bumper. I had much ado to get away; but your Commands——  This. 
No body here sent for you; and of all Men living, I lest expected you  Cun. 
When I received this pretty Billet Doux, my Heart went pit-a-pat; and knew 'twas yours before I opened it.  This. 
'Tis a false Heart, believe it not another time.  Cun. 
If it be false, it was yourBeauty first made it so.  This. 
Lightly come, lightly go; and if I lose it, to another.  Cun. 
No Madam, you Conquer like the King of France. Your Subjects for ever after are at rest.  This. 
You said as much to the Flame-coloured Petticoat in New Spring Garden.  Cun. 
She has Spies upon me; 'tis a good sign! There was a Lady I must confess much of your height, your shape and mien; at first I thought it was yourself, and therefore I accosted her: And when I was entered into discourse, she plied me so fast with the Intrigues of the Town, I could not handsomely get off.  This. 
I am not jealous of her: You need not take all this pains to clear yourself Was she of Quality?  Cun 
Yes, sure: She knew me, and desired my Protection against some Bullies that were there. Your Note here speaks of Company that were to meet at Cards; but 'tis more obliging in you to be thus alone.  This. 
Thou incorrigible piece of Vanity! I neither sent for thee to Cards, nor any thing else. Let's see this Note: 'Tis a Scriv'ner's hand.  (Reads it. Cun. 
I have heard yours commended, and am apt to hope—  This. 
The most that ever I knew any man.  Cun. 
Those pretty Lips should be corrected, for their pouting, and pressed with Kisses into their former Figure.  This. 
You should be corrected, and made know your distance.  Cun. 
I am sorry to find you in so ill a humour, but I'll swear, that time at Spring Garden, we searce spoke of any thing but yourself: She as 'tis the manner of fine Women one of another, maliciously enough, but I, with all the tenderness and transport imaginable. I see Merryman coming; I will take some fitter time for an Ecclaircissement.  [Exit. This. 
This Fellow has Vanity enough to extract Love out of an affront.  
and would Kiss the pretty Foot that should Kick him down Stairs: He thinks all this is mere jealousy.  Enter Merryman. Merry. 
These are those that can come, come without being sent for.  This. 
Or they should not come at all for me.  Merr. 
We have drunk every Letter of your Name twice over; and spelt it with a double Eat last.  This. 
'Twas done like a discreet Guardian: You are drunk then.  Merr. 
No; half a score Glasses do but whet Wit and sharpen Appetite: A Bottle is the Springtide of Love, and dull Sobriety the Lowest Ebb.  This. 
I love to see things at the worst, that I may know what to trust to.  Merr. 
You would not be seen so yourself: Don't you Lady's Dress, Patch and Curl, and Paint too, if there be occasion before you come abroad?  This. 
That's to please our self, and in competition to one another.  Merr. 
And that competition is about us filthy Fellows Was not Cunning ham here?  This. 
He's just gone.  Merr. 
I sent him to you: We had a mind to drink a Bottle by our self, and could not get rid of him, till I contrived a Letter in your Name for him. He showed it us like a vain Fool, immediately  This. 
He'll tell the whole Town: Pray undeceive him when y ou see him next; for all I could say could not do it.  Merr. 
Have you any Mirabilis?  This. 
I should not see you so often if I had not.  Merr. 
We good Fellows have our Qualms, like Breeding Women.  This. 
And your great Bellies too, most of you: Which you go to lay at Epsome, and Tunbridge Waters.  Merr. 
When we are Married I'll turn over a New Leaf.  This. 
Hold, 'tis not come to that yet; you are the envy of your Club Four Hundred Pounds a Year, and neither Wife nor Child, and spend it all in Drink.  Merr. 
I am very conjugally given: I love of late to drink hand to hand with an old Friend; have left off supping, and go to Bed at Ten.  This. 
These are signs of a Body far spent in the service.  Merr. 
I will leave off drinking, Eat much, and get Children innumerable.  This. 
Not till you have been Fluxed: You are an old sinner, and I dare not venture upon you.  Merr: 
I am as sound as a Bell, Fat, Plump, and Juicy, and have drunk my Gallon a day these seven Years.  This. 
However, 'twill mend your shape.  Merr. 
I have been told, I am as true a shaped Drunkard as heart can wish; Great Belly, double Chin, thick Legs: You would not have a Pad look like a Racer?  This. 
No; but I would have you thought to get your Children, if I Marry you.  Merr. 
I'll Cut any Man's Throat that says the contrary.  This. 
But they will whisper and make Libels: Your great Belly will be a continual jest upon mine.  Mer. 
I will Drink Raking Rhenish, Eat Buttered Wheat, Sweat in the Bagnio, and do any reasonable thing, to render my Person Gracious.  This. 
Every Jockey will do as much, to win a Tankard; but I must have no Morning Draughts, no Qualms that keep off Dinner till three a Clock, no Tun-bellyed Rogues, that fright Chair-men from the house, no Noisy Fools to disturb the whole Street with Loyal Catches, & senseless Huzzahs.  Merr. 
I have some Prouisoes to offer too, in order to our future Peace and Quiet: I will have none of your Gaming Ladies to keep you up at Cards till I am ready to go out in the Morning, so that we have scarce time for the great end of Matrimony. No meetings at the China-houses; where under pretence of Rafling for a piece of Plate, or so, you get acquainted with all the Young Fellows in Town; three such accidental meetings go to visit, and three visits to something that shall be Nameless. No Epsome nor Tunbridge Waters, where Ladies and Gentlemen walk and prate up acquaintance, as fast as if it were in a Tavern.  This. 
You must either get me with Child the first Year, or give me leave to use the Lawful Means: I hope I may visit Bellamira.  Merr. 
She is not so handsome as she was, and begins to look something procurish; she is more dangerous than any Man; one Setter destroys more Partridge than ten Hawks, when you take me for better for worse, you must forsake her and all her Works.  This. 
When you take me for Rich or for Poor, you shall either leave your Drink or your Jealousy. I will not be troubled with an Italian and a Dutch Man, bound up in one Greasy Volume.  Merr. 
'Tis a mad Age, a Man is Laughed at for being a Cuckold, and wondered at if he take any Care to prevent it; well, I will leave all to thy discretion; and as thou hast been careful of thy own Credit hitherto, hope thou wilt be as tender of mine when I am thy Husband.  This. 
That's all you have to trust too: Now to show you I will not be outdone in Generosity, you shall Dine in the City, and get Drunk among your old Companions sometimes; but I will have no Women brought into the Company, on any pretence whatever.  Merr. 
My Landlady, an Oysterwench, or so.  This. 
Not if she be under Fifty; you may be drunk at home: I will Dine with you, to keep off Beer Glasses while you Eat.  Merr. 
Content: I have a beastly Bumper at my Meals; we will have two Beds, for I will not come home drunk and get Girls, without I knew where to get Portions for 'em; in this Age they sour and grow stale upon their Parents hands. Luorece's will scarce off, but to Foreigners.  Enter a Servant. Seru. 
A young Gentleman in the Street hard by, says he must speak with you immediately.  This. 
'Tis One of your drunken Companions; you had best go to him, we shall have him come hither else.  Merr. 
I would Kick the best Friend in Christendom down Stairs, should he offer it. Adieu for a while.  [Exeunt Enter Bellamira in Man's clothes, to her Merryman. Mer. 
What's you business with me Sir?  Bell. 
If you will walk a little farther into the Square, I'll satisfy you, Sir.  [They walk a little farther. 
Now we are alone, the time and place convenient, I must tell you; you abused a person of Quality last Night, forced open her Lodgings, beat her Servants, broke her Windows, and called her all the Names imaginable.  Merr. 
That may very well be; I went home drunk, and scoured outrageously: But what of that?  Bell. 
I am her Brother.  Merr. 
And come to swagger in her behalf?  Bell. 
I am come for satisfaction.  Merr. 
Her Name, Sir?  Bell. 
Emilia.  Merr. 
Her Lodging?  Bell. 
The Flower de Luce.  Merr. 
I always took it to be a Bawdy-house,  Bell. 
It seems so; but I come to convince you to the contrary.  Merr. 
Sir, I believe you: And if you will bring me to wait on her, I will ask her Pardon: I am as much ashamed of a rudness offered to a Person of Quality, when I am sober, as any Man living.  Bell. 
I thought what a Fellow I should find.  Merr. 
My little Bully, will nothing serve you but Battle, Murder and sudden Death?  Bell. 
I came to fight Sir; not to hear you prate.  They go to Fight, Bellamira pulls up. her Peruke. Merr. 
Then pluck out, that I may Tap thee presently.  Bell. 
Hold, hold Merryman; dost thou not know me yet?  Merr. 
Bellamira in disguise!  Bell. 
The same.  Merr. 
Why this to me? Faith you shall never find me backward to Man or Woman.  Bell. 
No, thou art a brave Fellow, I have occasion for such a one, and (now I have tried you, and see you dare fight) all's well,  Merr. 
Am I to be your Ladyship's Second?  Bell. 
An easier Business.  Merr. 
As how?  Bell. 
I have appointed Dangerfield to wait for me in the Walk near Kensington, which I so much delight in: Thus disguised I intent to Rob him, and have chosen thee for my Fellow-Adventurer. When we have frighted the roaring Fool sufficiently, we'll find some way to give him his Money again.  Merr. 
We may be hanged together very lovingly in earnest, tho' we Rob in test.  Bell. 
If he should discover, which he never will, I can prevail with him not to Prosecute; Besides, the Lying Fool will swear for his Credit, we were at least a dozen; my Heart is set upon this Frolic; done't deny me.  Merr 
'Tis admirable! 'twill be the best News for my Friend Keepwell.  Bell. 
He shall know it in due time I hate this Danger field, and now I have gotten Isabel out of his hands, I care not if he were hanged.  Merr. 
And shall we Cudgel his Buff Coat sufficiently?  Bell. 
Till it be as gentle as a Sheepskin.  Merr. 
Thou art a brave Wench, I Faith, I will drink thy Health hereafter by the Name of the Pretty Padder. I will borrow a Vizor of some overgrown Bawd, and about it instantly. But shall we Sup together in Town afterwards?  Bell. 
Sure you'll not wrong Friend Keepwell so much?  Merr. 
Not for a World, if I thought you would not; but, he is at a distance, the Temptation present, and not to be resisted by frail Man.  Bell. 
You were always an Enemy of mine; and vet I know not how, I ever liked your blunt way? and could not hate you heartily for it.  Merr 
If you will make a Convert of me, this is the time.  Bell. 
You shall then promise me drunk or sober, to speak well of me to Keepwell.  Mer. 
That's too hard, but, if I speak any ill of you, drunk: I will promise to deny it again when I am sober.  Bell. 
You shall never more tell him I will undo him, nor read him any discreet Lectures about my extravagance in clothes, Furniture, Equipage, Hours, or Company.  Merr. 
I never did sow diffention but with intent you should make your benefit of it; for I am told after every little Quarrel, he buys his peace with a Coach and Horses, a Country House, Pearl Necklace, or some such trifle.  Bell. 
He does so; yet, but frequent Disputes may end in a Breach, and there are many fine Women that lie upon the Catch, to get him from me.  Merr: 
Fear him not, next to you he loves Money, and will never begin such another Expense in a new place. You have more Plate, than ten Christening, more China, than many a Shop, more good clothes than the Play house.  Bell. 
You had like to have undone me for all that, with your Stories; but he told me all when I had him alone.  Merr. 
I don't doubt it; I see advice is thrown away upon him, and I will trouble him with no more; but, be thy Servant to all intents and purposes.  [Kisses her. 
Now the Peace is agreed on, we'll Sign and Seal anon.  Bell. 
You'll tell him one time or other when you are drunk together.  Merr. 
He'll not believe me if I should. Well I am a Rogue to betray my Friend thus; but, who would not be taken off with such a Bribe? Besides, in matter of Women, we are all in the State of Nature, every man's hand against every man. Whatever we pretend.  [Exeunt. Enter Eustace. Eust. 
I wonder what's become of Lionel; he has not appeared this day or two. I will go to Bellamira's and know where she Sups that I may meet her, and know the end of her affair with me. Who's this walks this way? He is transported, and talks to himself.  Enter Lionel. Lion. 
If a man cared to be alone he should be troubled with forty Coxcombs, and ten times as many impertinent Questions: But now I am ready to burst with Joy, and Secrets, I can meet no Friend to vent myself to.  Eust. 
This is Lionel, for all his disguise, I know him. How now, Lionel? What's the meaning of this habit? I never saw a man so overjoyed: are you in your Wits?  Lion. 
Oh, my dear Friend! There is not a man on Earth, to whom I would so gladly impart my secret Joy, or inward Grief as to thyself.  Eust. 
'Tis the happiness of friendship that the one is improved, the other lessened, by our doing so: But what means all this?  Lion. 
I am impatient till you know; this is the happiest day of all my Life: And I could be contented to die this Minute, lest some succeeding Misfortunes should defile this sincere Joy. You know Bellamira, my Brother's Mistress.  Eust. 
I have seen her twice or thrice.  Lion. 
There was this day a young Maid given her by Dangerfield my Brother's Rival, the finest Creature that ever my Eyes beheld; not above seventeen, a man flying for his Life would stop to gaze upon her.  Eust. 
I am not of your opinion, but what of her?  Lion. 
Seeing her in the Street, I fell in Love with her. By good fortune, we had an Eunuch, which my Brother had promised to Bellamira: Nor was he yet dellvered; Merriman, who undertook to carry him advised me, seeing me dying for this young Woman.  Eust. 
What did he advise you?  Lion. 
To change clothes with this Eunuch, and be presented to Bellamira, in his stead.  Eust. 
What, for an Eunuch.  Lion. 
I have a pretty Voice, Smooth Chin.  Eust. 
What could you propose to yourself?  Lion. 
To see her, and be alone sometimes with the Divine Creature: Do you count all that nothing? In short, I was presented to Bellamira, and received with great Joy, and without the least Suspicion, she left me at home, and recommended this beautiful Creature to my sole care.  Eust. 
'Tis impossible.  Lion. 
She did it.  Eust. 
Most discreetly.  Lion. 
Most fortunately. I'll tell thee more, she commanded no Body should come near her, but myself; and that I should not stir from her, in the farthest part of the house. I Blushed, looked down, and modestly said it should be done.  Eust. 
Oh Rogue! thy Discourse has Fingers in it.  Lion. 
Bellamira goes but to Supper; her Servants follow her, except some of the meanest sort: Presently they prepare a Bath for the fair Stranger; this beautiful Creature is called to go into the Bath.  Eust. 
What before you?  Lion. 
Yes, before an Eunuch sure. She goes in, returns, the Servants put her to Bed: I ask if they have any service for me: Pisquil, says one, (for so I was called) Take this Fan, and cool my Mistress with it, as she lies.  Eust. 
Oh, that I could have seen thee with those gloating Eyes, Fanning a Naked Woman! an Asinego as thou art.  Lion. 
Presently all the Maids run, some one way, some another, as Servants do when their Masters are abroad; in the mean time this beautiful Creature falls asleep: I look about me, to see if all were fast, I Bar the Door,  Eust. 
What then?  Lion 
What then, my Eustace? Can you ask and know me? Should I have slipped so fair, so wished, so unexpected an Opportunity, I must have been that Eunuch that I seemed.  Eust. 
You ravished her then,  Lion. 
What else? I took her by Storm, having no leisure for a Siege; I found her the same Woman I fell in Love with in Spain.  Eust. 
She we so often talked of?  Lion. 
The same: and which is more, she remembered me again: Never was Man so Happy! never was Accident so Fortunate!  Eust. 
Did she not Cry out?  Lion. 
There was no Body within hearing.  Eust. 
'Twas something a harsh way.  Lion. 
No Woman ever heartily fell out with a Man about that Business, I'll try to soften her in my own Person!  Eust. 
Won't you change your clothes?  Lion. 
How shall I change 'em? Or whither shall I go? I dare not go home, for fear of my Brother: Then again, if my Father should be come out of the Country!  Eust. 
Come to my house, out of the Street however.  Lion. 
Agreed.  [Exeunt  

ACT IV. SCENE I.  Dangerfield, and Smoothly. Dan. 
'TIs strange Bellamira appears not, we have been here a great while.  Smooth. 
I wonder she makes no more haste to her own happiness! the Spanish Ladies would not have served you so.  Dan. 
Nay, I'll speak a bold word; French, Spanish, or Italian; I was ever the delight of Ladies, I was the Terror of Men.  Smooth. 
Perhaps she has been overturned, broke a Wheel, or some such Accident: may be her sneaking Lover's returns.  Dan. 
Who Keepwell? that fearful Hind, that ran out of Town at the News of my Arrival, lest I should Kick him to Jelly?  Smooth. 
'Tis almost Night, what if we should be Robbed here?  Dan. 
What if the Sky should fall? or a Flock of Sheep root a marching Army? If all these Hedges were lined with Musqueteers I would not yield.  Smooth. 
If a Hog should start out and rustle, he would run away. [Aside. A Volley of Shot is Music to your great-Heart; but what shall poor I do?  Dan. 
This Fellow is as Cowardly as I am Rash, and Adventurous, Creep behind me, and be as safe as in a Brazen Tower, I'll show thee how I killed Don Alonzo in Spain.  Smooth. 
I dare not stand: You'll run such a Fellow as I through with a Scabbardon.  Dan. 
On my Honour, as I love danger, I will not hurt thee. He ran furiously upon me.  Smooth. 
And did you look so terribly, as you do now?  Dan. 
Worse if possible.  Smooth. 
He was a brave Man then.  Dan. 
The bravest Fellow I ever had to do with: He had Killed Nine Men in Duel, made two and twenty Campagns, been in eight Sea-Fights and thirteen pitched Battles.  Enter Merryman and Bellamira. Merr. 
Here he is Fencing with his Man.  Smooth. 
Thiefs, Thiefs! Murder! Look to yourself.  Bell. 
Your Mony.  Merr. 
Deliver Sirrah.  Dan. 
Take it you Scoundrels, and thank Heaven I am not in an angry Mood  Merr. 
Will a good Cudgel put you into it?  [Lays him on.] Dan. 
No: Venus, Venus, rules the day, I am all Peace and Love: My Vigour is defigned to other purposes than Fighting with Rascally Fellows.  Merr. 
We must have this Pearl out of your Ear.  Dan. 
'Twas given me for my service at the Siege of Dunkirk, as a Mark of Honour.  Bell. 
Make haste, we shall be forced to Crop you else.  Merr. 
Let's remove 'em a little farther, and tie 'em Back to Back, and leave 'em.  Dan 
I'll have satisfaction for this Affront, you Rascals, I scorn the slow paced Revenge of Law, 'tis Blood I'll have.  Merr. 
That you may not forget, I will give you this farther Remembrance.  Bell. 
Come away with the Rascals.  Dan. 
Well, Stripling well, no more to be said.  [Exeunt. Thisbe in the Bailiffs Hands 1. Bay. 
I'll stay no longer sending up and down: Can you pay the Money?  This. 
In a short time I can.  2. Bay. 
Have you any Friend that will be bound with you?  This. 
I have; but I am so unfortunate, they are not within.  1. Bay. 
Come, come, away to Prison.  This. 
If you have the Hearts of Men, take Pity on my Youth. This is all the Money I owe in the World, and I shall suddenly discharge it; but if you disgrace me thus, I am undone for ever.  1. Bay. 
We are Officers, and must obey our Warrant. Come along.  Enter Cuningham and Eustace. Cun. 
What's here Thisbe in the hands of Bailiffs! I will Kill two Birds with one Stone at once, I will show my Courage, and my Love in rescuing my Mistress. Let's never suffer these Rascals to carry her off.  Eust. 
I will not Fight against the Law: A Bailiff and a Hangman are as necessary as a Lord Chief Justice, in a Government.  Cun. 
I will draw and be Knocked down, in her Quarrel by myself then.  Eust. 
Hold, hold: I will draw my Purse and rescue her a surer way.  This. 
Is there no way for my deliverance?  Cun. 
I'll Bail her.  1 Bay. 
We must have City Security; no Covent Garden Bully?  Eust. 
What's the Sum?  1. Bay. 
Two Hundred Pound. What do we stand talking with her? away.  This. 
Oh I am Miserable!  Cun 
Hold, you shall have your choice of six Play Debts: Sir Thomas Whiskin owes me three hundred pound; will you take that for your Money? or Harry Huthead shall be your Paymaster.  1. Bay. 
Nothing but our Money down, or good Security.  Eust. 
Why, Then here's your Money down you Rascals.  2 Bay. 
Now you say something. Much good may do you: She is very pretty, and as cheap as Neck-Beef.  This 
This Redemption as I never can deserve, so I cannot too much acknowledge your surprising Generosity to a Stranger, known to you by nothing but distress.  Eust. 
Preserve your thanks till you find to whom they are due, I am but the Instrument of your deliverance, and was employed by a Servant of yours, who could not come himself, for some reasons you shall know hereafter.  This. 
May I not know his Name? that I may return him his Money at least.  Eust. 
He charged me to the contrary.  Cun. 
I could almost forswear Play, since my ill Fortune has put me out of condition of doing this small Service, but I was ready with my Sword.  This. 
'Tis much better as it is.  Cun. 
I did not throw one mam in two hours, I lost three sets at Back-Gammon, and a Tout at Tricktrack, all ready Money; the rude Fellows have frighted the Roses from your Cheeks.  This. 
This Rogue my Tailor that Arrested me, came but three days ago to know if I had any service to command him: There must be something farther in't.  Cun. 
Perhaps some envious Woman set him on: there is as much malice among the Beauties as among Wits: Will you give me leave to wait on you home! there are rude Fellows abroad, and you may meet with some Affront.  Eust. 
Madam we will secure you from that.  This. 
Your Servant.  [Exeunt. Enter Keepwell and Silence. Keep. 
How does my dearest Bellamira? Does she not think I have mortified myself enough.  Sil. 
You may guests: She is gone out with Dangerfield.  Keep. 
I know it too well  Sil. 
Oh this Villain, Viper, satire! where shall I find him? or how torment him when I have found him? we are all undone, Abused Cheated!  Keep. 
My heart misgives me strangely, and I have scarce Courage to ask what's the matter. Here have been Scourers, breakers of Windows.  Sil. 
As soon as he had his will of her, to run away, and leave us thus! but if I light of him, I'll tear his Goatish Eyes out.  Keep. 
Here has been some disorder in my absence: who is't you threaten thus? whom do you speak of?  Sil. 
As if you did not know, and be hanged with your precious Gifts.  Keep. 
They are such your Mistress would never let me rest till she had 'em: if she don't like 'em, now, she may thank herself.  
But what's the matter?  Sil. 
The Eunuch you gave us made brave work!  Keep. 
Oh, is that all? not work for a Midwife, I am sure.  Sil. 
It may be in time. He has Ravished the young maid Dangerfield gave my Mistress.  Keep. 
'Tis impossible: he is as innocent as the Child Unborn.  Sil. 
What he is I can't tell; but by his works, he's no more an Eunuch than yourself: the young Maid is all in Tears: We cannot get a Word from her: Pray Heaven she does herself no mischief She casts down her Eyes, and sighs as if her heart would break; The Rascal's no where to be found; 'tis well if he have not robbed us at parting too.  Keep. 
I am strangely amazed he knows no place in Town no person, and has no where to go, but to my House.  Sil. 
Let's see if he be there. Our Maids have swom every one to have a Limb of him.  Keep. 
I have heard these Eunuchs have been very amorous; but never heard of such a Prank: besides this was taken in an Algerine, an Eunuch after the Turkish manner.  Sil. 
He looked so demurely, I thought Butter would not have melted in his Mouth, I hope you will make sure work with him before you send him again. But see Isabel herself.  Enter Isabel. Keep. 
I'll speak to her, and know the truth.  Sil. 
You had better step aside and observe her: you'll put her out of Countenance.  Isa. 
Torn from my Parents and my Country young;  
Then in a Foreign Land exposed to Sale.  
After some few removes when but a Child,  
I to the hands of Bellamira fell,  
Then to rude Dangerfield by Fortune's spite  
Strangely betrayed; and now again restored,  
I know not how, nor why, nor on what score.  
Misfortune sure like mine never was.  
In every Change and State I still preserved  
My Honour boldly by Contempt of Life,  
Vowed the same hour should rob me of 'em both:  
The Resolution was so new, it checked his Lust.  
But what does it avail to keep from Thiefs  
That Wealth we must anon to Pirates lose?  
No sooner here, but like an Eunuch,  
A bold Lover comes and rifles me of all;  
Vowed to return, Marry and take me hence;  
But Men are False, Women believing Fools:  
Yet this is he that Loved me when in Spain,  
And my poor heart first kindled at his Fire  
Till he returns I will not Cherish Life,  
Nor sleep nor nourishment shall prop this Frame:  
My Husband he will be or Murderer  [Exit. Keep. 
Poor Lady! she has dissolved my Eyes. Her Passion's great; but I'll go home and kill Pisquil: thou shalt go and see the Execution.  Sil. 
We'll flay the Lustful Swine.  [Exeunt Enter Bellamira, Dangerfield, and Smoothly. Bell. 
My dear man of War? bouncing Bully! didst thou not begin to despair of me?  Dan. 
When we were tied back to back and thrown into that Ditch, I began to think we must have lain in the Field all Night, as I have done, for my part, half my life time.  Bell. 
You have not been robbed I hope?  Dan. 
Yes, faith the Rogues surprised us ere we could get our Swords out  Bell. 
Not of much?  Dan. 
Of a hundred Pieces, and some Medals, given me by Foreign Princes and States, for my good Service in the Wars.  Bell. 
I am the unhappiest woman in the World! and all this staying for me! how many were the Rogues?  Dan. 
Half a Foot Company.  Smoo. 
Such as we used to Muster in Flanders.  Bell. 
How many is that English?  Dan. 
A dozen Armed with Sword and Pistol.  Smoo. 
There were more of 'em not far off if need had been.  Dan. 
The Captain of 'em was such another fat fellow as Merryman: I shall know him again if I see him; and if I do; I make one entire bruise of him. He laid on me most unmercifully.  Bell. 
Who unbound you?  Dan. 
An honest Country fellow, who came by, by accident.  Bell. 
I have been overthrown too by a Gentleman's Coachman, who threw us in the dirt; and I was forced to go home to shift.  Dan. 
Know you the Livery? I will have satisfaction, or make him turn away his saucy Servant: I am rusty, for want of Fighting.  Bell. 
If I did I would tell you, you are so apt to thrust yourself into Quarrels; 'tis a sad thing to love a brave man, a Woman is ever in one fright or other: if they have the discretion not to be Principals, they must be Seconds in every idle business.  Dan 
I never failed but once, of disarming my man.  Smoo. 
And then you had the Misfortune to run him clean through the heart.  Dan. 
I fled into France upon it.  Bell. 
What if I help you to your Money and Jewels again?  Dan. 
I'll give you Fifty Pounds. Can you guests who robbed us?  Bell. 
No, but I'll take you at your word. Stop here at Knightsbridge, there is a Justice, swear your loss before him since you were robbed between Sun and Sun, and the Country is obliged to make it good.  Smoo. 
Here's Fifty pounds well gotten. This is a Witty Wench, I am half in Love with her myself.  Dan. 
I had rather lose it all, then swear before one of those Children of the Gown.  Bell. 
Nay you shall do it: 'twill soon be over, and then we'll Sup in Town.  Smoo. 
Now must I forswear myself, or lose my Place: Let me see, that I may not be out: The Robbers were Twelve, the Money lost, a Hundred Pieces, besides Medals and Rings to the value of as much more.  [Exeunt. Enter Keepwell, Pisquil, Silence, Betty. Keep. 
Come out you Rogue, you Rascal: will nothing go down with you, but, Maidenheads?  Pisq. 
I beseech you, Sir  Keep. 
How came you hither again? What's the meaning of these clothes? speak; if we had stayed never so little longer he had been gone, he was preparing for his journey, I see.  Betty. 
Where is he? That I may stick my Bodkin in him.  Keep. 
Don't you see him?  Betty. 
No if I did, I'd teach him to come with his edged Tools amongst poor harmless Maids.  Sil. 
It might have been some of our Cases; and I pity Isabel with all my heart: But are you sure you have him fast?  Keep. 
Why there he is, just before you.  Sil. 
What that poor Wretch? That swallow face was never within our doors. There's a Ravisher indeed!  Bett. 
Could you think this was he that we complained of?  Keep. 
I never had any other.  Sil. 
This fellow is no more to our Pisquil, than a Calf is to a Lion.  Bett. 
He you sent us had a sweet Face, delicate Shape, quick Eye, and a promising Countenance.  Keep. 
Fine Feathers make fine Birds: You see him now in plain clothes, at his worst.  Sil. 
There's more in't then so: Ours was young, handsome in his prime; this is a Withered, Worn-out, Weather-beaten, Weasil-faced Fellow.  Keep. 
I shall begin to think I donted know my right hand from my left, if this be true. Come hither Sirrah, Pisquil, did not I give Fifty pound for you?  Pisq. 
You did, Sir.  Bett. 
Now let me ask him a question: Do you know our house.  Pisq. 
No, nor you neither.  Sil. 
Merryman brought us a young fellow of Nineteen that would have known us all over and over, if he had stayed.  Keep. 
How come you by these clothes? Why don't you answer me, you Rascal?  Pisq. 
One Mr. Lionel came.  Keep. 
What, my Brother?  Pisq. 
He said so.  Keep. 
When?  Pisq. 
To day.  Keep. 
with whom?  Pisq. 
With Merryman only.  Keep. 
Did you know he was my Brother?  Pisq. 
Mr. Merryman told me so: he gave me these clothes and took away mine; then they went both together.  Keep. 
I am undone, Bellamira will never endure this affront, nor ever be persuaded but I was privy to it.  Sil. 
It may cost you a Weeks Banishment or so; but what think you, am I sober? am I in my right Wits? No, Ilyed! I was a Fool! the Eunuch was as Innocent as a Lamb Poor Isabel! Is not she undone, ruined for ever.  Keep. 
No, he shall marry her and make her an honest woman, will not that satisfy?  Pisq. 
Alas Sir I have nothing to satisfy a woman with neither by night nor by day, I am a poor despicable Eunuch. If I Marry your Worship must get my Children and keep 'em too.  Sil. 
My Mistress will never like that.  Keep. 
The Wench he Ravished is but a Servant Maid, or at most one that has no friends, I'll give 'em a Farm of twenty pound a year, and make up all that way:  Pisq. 
I beseech you Sir Drown or Hang me out of the way, but name not Marriage to a wretch in my condition.  Keep. 
Sirrah I'll have it so. Will nothing down with you but forbidden fruit? you have no stomach to a Woman in a lawful way and behanged.  Pisq. 
I am your true, your very Eunuch Pisquil! what pranks have been played in my name I know not; let any of these Maids examine me, alas! I am under no circumstances of Wedlock.  Betty. 
Out upon him filthy Creature, I would not touch him for a World.  Sil. 
I had rather handle a dead Corpse; three such Fellows were enough to breed a Plague.  Bett. 
I'll take my Corporal Oath this is not he that was at our House.  Sil. 
I never saw two men in my life more unlike than this odious Fellow and our Pisquil.  Keep. 
I am resolved he shall Marry her though it cost me Forty pound a year; Bellamira's House must not be thus affronted.  Sil. 
Sir you mistake, Isabel is a Gentlewoman sits at Table with my Mistress, and would not Marry such a fellow for all you are worth.  Keep 
What shall we do then?  Sil. 
Let's find out the true Ravisher, if he refuse to marry her, take the Law of him and Hang him.  Keep. 
Come hither Pisquil: Did Lionel put on thy clothes and leave thee his?  Pisq. 
By all that's good he did.  Keep 
And put on thine?  Pisq. 
Yes in the Room.  Bett. 
He came to us indeed in a strange fashioned habit.  Keep. 
This Lionel is the most wicked, Impudent, and I the most unhappy of mankind! I have sent a Stone-horse among Mares.  Sil. 
Now don't you think my Mistress has been finely served by you and your lewd Brother?  Keep. 
I am undone if all this comes to Bellarmira's Ear: she talked of a great Sum she hoped to get by restoring this young Woman to her Friends: I am afraid 'tis I must pay it now; No man will own her, having been thus abused. Sirrah deny all again instantly.  Pisq. 
Let me alone, Sir I'll set all right.  Keep. 
I'll get the truth out of thee, or I'll beat thee in a Mortar. When was my Brother here?  Pisq. 
Four days ago.  Keep. 
Never since?  Pisq. 
No indeed Sir,  Keep. 
See what a Lying Rogue this is now! I have had him but two days, and he says my Brother changed his clothes with him four days ago.  Bett. 
He said quite otherwise but now, and that it was this day.  Keep. 
Damn him Rogue, he falters in his Evidence, and I would not hang a Dog upon his Testimony; are not you a fine Rascal to lay this villainy upon my Innocent Brother?  Pisq. 
I do confess; pray Sir pardon me, I was afraid.  Keep. 
Get you out of my sight you lying Rogue.  Sil. 
He is a Lying Rogue now I dare swear.  Betty. 
He dares not stand to his first story: Keepwell has threatened him.  Sil. 
This is all Merryman's contrivance; but if I be not even with him, may I die a Maid. Well Dangerfield and my Mistress wore at high words after Supper: She gave me her Gold and Jewels to carry home; a sure sign she'll not stay long behind.  Betty. 
I'll go Home.  Keep. 
I'll go to Merryman and learn the bottom of this business, that I may know what to say to my offended Bellamira.  Enter Merryman and Bellamira. Merry. 
I will turn Turk but I will avoid Wine hereafter, that eternal Foe to better sport, Can my dear Bellamira forgive her poor entertainment.  Bell. 
Why not, as well as you do a weak Brother who can drink but his Bottle. You may sit up till morning though he leave you at Nine, the Application is easy.  Merr. 
I will leave my Morning's draught of Mum and Wormwood, and Breakfast hereafter upon new laid Eggs, Amber grease and Gravy.  Bell. 
Trouble not yourself, I will Breakfast before I come to you, and Sup heartily before I go to bed.  Merr. 
This Paunch of mine shall down, I will no longer suffer my Virile virtue to be Eclipsed by this Globe of Earth, Biscuit my Meat, Fennel Water and Vinegar shall be my Drink this twelve Months.  Bell. 
Your Penance is too severe, merely for a sin of Omission, I like you the better for it: Your honest nature would not suffer you to wrong your friend too much, when it came to the point.  Merr. 
My honest overgrown body would not keep pace with lewd Will; for which I am resolved to mortify it, no more Bumpers, no Dinners that last till Midnight, no City Feast, no Huzzahs.  Bell. 
You are in Love elsewhere, and keep yourself for pretty Mistress. Thisbe.  Merr. 
I never saw Play, but I was willing to throw away what I had about me.  Bell. 
Well I must leave you, Keepwell I fear is in Town.  Merr. 
That word leave you, always puts me into a Cold Sweat, and if a man were Cocked and Primed, is enough to make a man miss Fire. Can't you stay one Minute?  Bell. 
To what purpose, I have been here a great while, sure 'tis late, your Company stay for you, the Bottles are upon the Table by this time.  Merr. 
Would you had never talked of going, I am the worst at paying Money upon a Pinch, can't you stay one quarter of an hour?  Bell. 
I have appointed business with Eustace and must be gone.  Enter a Servant. Seru. 
Sir, Keepwell is coming up Stairs, I told him you were asleep, he must needs speak with you.  Merr. 
Step in there, I'll send him away presently.  Enter Keepwell, he gets a glimpse of Bellamira. Keep. 
Merryman with a Wench, nay then we are all Mortal.  Merr. 
'Tis only a Wine Cooper's Daughter that has brought me some taste of Pontack out of her Father's Cellar.  Keep. 
Sings) Her Breasts of Delight, are two Bottles of White, and her Eyes are two Cups of Canary. I hope we shall have no more Lessons of Thirst, no pious Exhortations, no Lectures against Love: Why she has as good clothes as my Bellamira.  Merr. 
But I don't Pay for'em as you do.  Keep. 
Prithee let me see her, I have trusted thee with my Bell. a hundred times.  Merr. 
You won't like her and then I shall be laughed at, besides this is the first time, she is a young modest Sinner and I have given her my word.  Keep. 
What, art thou ashamed of her?  Merr. 
Nor proud of her neither, as you are of your Tyrant Bellamira.  Keep. 
Never speak against my Bell. she is the pretiiest little pouting tempestuous Rogue sometimes, but 'tis soon over, and then she is so calm again, the Halcyon, might breed upon her Lips.  Merr. 
You are grown Poetical since you went into the Country.  Keep. 
Prithee let me see thy Punk, thy Cockatrice, thy Harlot.  Merr. 
Good words, you don't know who you speak off.  Keep. 
I'll set my foot against the door.  Merr. 
You won't be such a Brute.  [How shall we get rid of him? Keep. 
I am very Rampant.  Merr. 
I have that will take down your Courage. Dangerfield has sent me a Challenge for delivering your Eunuch and Black in his Presence.  Keep. 
Why didst thou do it in his Presence?  Merr. 
'Tis past now, and you must be my Second.  Keep. 
Pox on't I did not mean rampant for Fighting, I meant for th'other business, I have no malice to any man living but am wondrous loving.  Merr. 
We are to meet an hour hence, the time is short, I cannot possible find another Friend; besides, 'tis partly your own quarrel.  Keep. 
Hang him he makes a Trade of Fighting, and kills men by the year.  Merr. 
We must try, what Mettle he is made off.  Keep. 
Let me alone, I will bring you off with Honour, and without Fighting.  Merr. 
How so?  Keep. 
The Officer of the Guard is my intimate Friend, I will acquaint him with the Quarrel and get us all secured; I have scaped hitherto by his means, and yet have sent and received some Challenges in my Life time; he saves more Bloodshed than all the Parsons in Town with their Sermons against Duelling.  Merr. 
I have no great Lust for Fighting, if you can take it up handsomely, with all my heart, but you must about it instantly for the time is short.  Keep. 
I am gone out be sure you stay at home.  [Exit. Merr. 
I knew this was a sure way to be rid of him.  [He is gone. Enter Bellamira. Bell 
And so must we, the Guard will be here presently else; You could not help calling me Tyrant to Keepwell though you knew I was within hearing  Merr. 
I must talk a little after the old rate, 'twill breed suspicion in him should I change my Note all of a sudden, but I will drink him upevery Night, and send him to thee so loving.  Bell. 
Drink him down rather, pray, let him alone as he is.  [Exeunt. Enter Silence and Eustace. Sil. 
Oh, Sir, how is it between my Mistress and her Man of War?  Eust. 
Not so as it might be between thee and me, if thou wouldst be ruled.  Sil. 
I am ruled by my Friends and Relations.  Eust. 
They'll undo thee Silence, if thou heark'nest to 'em: thou wilt spend thy Youth in Service, and in thy Age be eaten up with Children.  Sil. 
Better so than with the Pox: I had rather be a Cobbler's Wife, than the best Man's Whore in the Land.  Eust. 
This is a wicked Principle, and has undone more young Women!  Sil. 
If I must be ruined, I'll be ruined in an honest way.  Eust: 
A Woman ruined in an honest way is the vilest, contemptiblest thing imaginable: give me a Woman ruined with a Coach and six Horses, a house in the Mall, fine Equipage! and all this thou might'st be in a fair way to Compass.  Sil. 
But what of my Mistress and Dangerfield?  Eust. 
They are all to pieces.  Sil. 
About what?  Eust. 
About a young Maid Dangerfield gave her: nothing will serve but he'll have her again.  Sil. 
She will never meet with such a Loyal, Obedient Lover, as Keepwell.  Eust. 
He is the Top Cully of the Town. But here she comes herself.  Enter Bellamira. Bell. 
I believe he'll come to take her away by force; but let him offer to touch her with a Finger, I'll pluck his Eyes out. I can bear with his impertinences and big words, while they are but words; but if he offer violence, I know what he is at the bottom, and can find those that can Cudgel him.  Eust. 
I have expected you a good while here.  Bell. 
Do you know that Dangerfield's last Quarrel and mine was a Concern of yours?  Eust 
He was not Jealous of me?  Bell. 
No: but while I endeavoured to restore your lost Sister, to you, as I think in Conscience I ought; I suffered what you see, and more from him.  Eust. 
You have several times talked to me of a Sister of mine, lost from our house in Devonshire; but I always looked upon it as a mere Wheadle.  Bell. 
One that has an ill name, is half hanged: but, I assure you, I was in earnest, as I shall make appear to you by infallible Circumstances.  Eust. 
I lost indeed a Sister, about twelve years since, but where she is, Heaven only knows.  Bell. 
Yes I know she is at home.  Eust. 
What at your house?  Bell. 
Yes at my house: my Mother bred her, as if she had been her own, you need not be ashamed to own her.  Eust. 
She bred her up from a Child! I like that well: then this is not she that Dangerfield gave her yesterday; and that Lionel Ravished.  Bell. 
I doubt not of your Gratitude, when you see her: She's a delicate Creature.  Eust. 
How old is She?  Bell. 
Seventeen.  Eust. 
The very Age that Lionel mentioned: I am undone again!  
She had my Father's Picture on, when she was lost.  Bell. 
She has it still and kisses it a hundred times a day.  Eust 
A bite by a Monkey upon her left arm.  Bell. 
She has so. If I show her you with these Tokens will you not thank me, and own her?  Eust. 
Yes, if you have not taught her your own Trade.  Bell. 
By my Life, she is as innocent, as when you lost her first, we ever kept a strict hand over her. By good fortune Keepwell gave me a fine Eunuch, to his care I have entrusted her and charged him not to stir from her.  Eust. 
Hell, and Damnation! The Eunuch was Lionel. [Aside. I have heard as much, Madam.  Bell. 
Who could tell you?  Eust. 
I know not: I heard in the Town, you had an Eunuch.  Bell. 
Now let's have a care we don't both lose her, for this is she that Dangerfield gave and threatens to takeaway again.  Eust. 
It is too apparent, no sooner found, but lost, my Isabel: Lost, to thy Fame thy Family for ever.  Bell. 
You seem disordered: are you we'll?  Eust. 
A little surprised, at the unexpected discovery of my dear Sister. But why did you not tell me this sooner?  Bell. 
I had her of Dangerfield but yesterday.  Eust. 
Did you not tell me you were bred up together?  Bell. 
Yes, but how we first met, how we parted, how Dangerfield got her, I will tell you at more leisure, he threatens to take her away by force; you are not afraid of him?  Eust. 
Of no man-less. I have a sudden Qualm come over me; I have drunk too much Wine.  Bell. 
Come in I'll give you some Mirabilis.  [Exeunt. Enter Dangerfield, Smoothly, Bullies, and Link Boys. Dan. 
I'll teach her to provoke a man of Honour, Culverin, Wildfire, and Hackum, follow your Leader: First I'll pull the house about their Ears.  Smoo. 
Spoken like yourself.  Dan. 
I'll slit her Nose, then give her the Trant'vne.  Smoo. 
It will be a brave revenge, and make you Terrible through the World.  Dan. 
Advance Culverin, with the Link-bois: Hackum command thou the right Wing; and thou Wildfire the left.  Boys. 
Here, here, here.  Dan. 
I myself will bring up the Rear, give the Sign for the onset, and be ready to assist you with my Conduct, if need be.  Smoo. 
What a Jewel is experience in a General!  Dan. 
I learned this of Monticuli.  Eust. 
What bustle is that about the door?  Sil. 
Oh Mistress the House is beset: we are all undone.  Eust. 
Not with Thiefs, I hope.  Bell. 
No, 'tis Dangerfield; fear him not, he dares do nothing: A mere blustering Coward.  Hack. 
Shall we break the Windows?  Dang. 
Not yet my valiant Friends; I see Bellamira at her Belcony: I'll proffer Peace; and that refused, make War.  Smoo. 
O, the difference between Man and Man! I never hear this Master of mine speak, but am the wiser for it.  Dan. 
Answer me thou Punk, thou Cockatrice, thou Man-Leech, that suckest their Marrow, and their Money: When I gave thee Isabel, didst not thou promise me two days entirely to myself.  Bell. 
Why you overgrown Booby, gelt with muddy Ale, Brandy, and Tobacco; you had 'em and could make no use of 'em.  Dan. 
Next did not you bring your Stallion there under my Roof, talk with him in private, and after steal away to him?  Bell. 
I had some business with him, and found you had none with me, but drinking and making my headache.  Smoo. 
Oh, Impudence! this to you, that are such a Hercules in Love, and War.  Dan. 
Restore me Isabel or I'll force her from you.  Eust. 
She restore her! Or you touch her! I should laugh at that.  Dan. 
Are you her Hector? I shall spoil your Mirth with a Brick-bat. Come down; I'll fight thee hand to hand in the head of my Army.  Smoo 
No wise General will forsake his advantages, you shan't expose yourself so rashly.  Dan. 
Peace you Fool: if he comes, we'll seize him; then offer him in exchange of Prisoners, for Isabel. I here's a stratagem: he shall find I am a Soldier.  Smoo. 
The greatest I ever read of.  Eust. 
I will not venture myself among your Hellhounds, but I shall find a time.  Dan. 
You will not deliver Isabel then, by fair means?  Eust. 
Nor by foul neither: She is my Sister, too good to be thy Wise, and shall be no Man's Servant.  Dan. 
I bought her young of her Friends, in Spain.  Eust. 
They had no right to Sell her; she is a freeborn English Woman, and I will defend her with my life.  Smoo. 
You speak like an honest Gentleman: Bellamira has cheated my Master. Do not make yourself a Party; and consequently this great Man your Enemy.  Eust. 
Persuade that Calf he is a Lion if thou canst; I scorn both him, and thee.  Dan. 
Then 'tis no time to talk, salute 'em with a Volley.  Enter Merryman and Cuningham. Cun. 
Let's give Bellamira a Serenade, as we go by; for old acquaintance sake: she'll take it kindly.  Merr. 
Dangerfield's there: we'll break the Windows, call him Rogue and Rascal, and so go on with our Music to Thisbe.  Cun. 
I hate these rude Frolicks.  Merr. 
The house is beset: What's here, Scourers? Brickbats mounting, and Pisspots descending?  Cun. 
We'll scour 'em for a Company of uncivil. Fellows, thus to disturb Lovers at their innocent Recreations.  Merr. 
Strike up, we have no Drums and Trumpets, but we'll swinge 'em by way of Lute and Violin.  L. Boys. 
Fall on: this is our old Master Merryman; we use to light him home drunk three or four times a week.  [The Link Boys revolt. Dan. 
If our Soldiers revolt, shift every man for himself: This did Pompey, when over powered by Julius Caesar, at Pharsalia.  [Ex. Omnes.  

ACT V. SCENE I.  Merryman, Cuningham. Cun. 
THis drinking does so muddle one's complexion and take of one's mettle, a man the next day is but the wrong side of himself. I was so dozed I was an hour about a Billet douz.  Merr. 
We should look gratefully back upon the past pleasure and not peevishly repine at the present suffering. What think you of a hair of the same Dog?  Cun. 
That saying has killed many an honest fellow, but do you remember we were at Thisbe's?  Merr. 
Yes, and were let in; but have forgotten most of the rest.  Cun. 
You are a precious Guardian! You must e'en Marry her yourself, you will make her fit for no body else, with your disorderly Frolicks.  Merr. 
That's it I would be at.  [Aside. 
But what said she?  Cun. 
She told me, she wondered to see me in that disorder; squeezed me by the hand, and bade me take more care of my health hereafter.  Merr. 
Now I remember me, she said you looked lamentably; and that, had you come alone at that time of the night, she should have taken you for a Ghost; that you smelled as if you had been buried a Fortnight.  Cun. 
She may say her Pleasure; but there are as fine Women as she of another mind: I knew when she had no better a Complexion than myself.  Merr. 
When was that? Had she ever the Green-sickness or the Yellow Jaundice?  Cun. 
No, before she bought her Paint of the Italian. I look like a Ghost! Why, I am the same man I was twenty Years ago; as vigorous, as Amorous, and I think as taking amongst Men and Women. I had three Maidenheads brought me last Week by their Parents: I will leap the half Almond with you.  Merr. 
Thou mayest, well be active, thou hast no more flesh upon thy back, than a Flea, and thy Bones have as much Quicksilver in 'em, as ten Bales of false Dice: They will scarce lie still when thou art dead.  Cun. 
Thou art Picqued at Thisbe's concern for me: Well thou art an honest Fellow; we will not dispute about her, though we Rally one another now and then. I have ten of as fine Women as she upon my hands at this time; she was but my Pis allee: What will you say when you see me Married to one of the best Fortures about the Town?  Merr 
I shall not wonder; Women have another Green-sickness in their Souls, that sways 'em to the Trash of Mankind: but here comes Keepwell, his time of Banishment is expired, as filthily fine as hands can make him.  Enter Keepwell. Keep. 
Sure Jealousy is the greatest Torment in the World, I have had the dismallest Dreams! Methought I saw Dangerfield Rampant, and Bellamira Couchant all Night long.  Merr. 
You consented, and can reasonably complain of none but yourself.  Keep 
I consented she should make a Fool of him, and Cozen him of Isabel, but no farther.  Merr. 
I saw her at Knightsbridge Garden with him; so fine, methought they were the happiest Couple!  Keep. 
Pox on their happiness.  Merr. 
It may end in that indeed, they say Dangerfield is not very sound.  Cun. 
Women like wanton Whelps, fawn ever on the next that comes in their way, but, when they see an old acquaintance, they run to him for all that; never be discouraged.  Keep. 
At once I hate her, and I love her too; The chief thing I begged of her was, that she would not be seen in public with this Dangerfield: she has no mercy on my Reputation.  Merr. 
No more than on your Fortune: be wise and take this occasion.  Cun. 
All this makes for you Merryman: there is no such Soaker as a Lover in affliction.  Merr. 
I had as live drink with a Gibbed Cat: they are always Mewing and Wauling about her Inconstancy, Cruelty, or one silly thing or other.  Cun. 
Dangerfield has a sweet Calech.  Merr. 
There is no talk of any man now but him; the Bravest, the most Generous, the most accomplished Gentleman!  Cun. 
You will make Keepwell hang himself.  Keep 
I'll fight him, my Courage is wound up, and I will strike him to the heart.  Merr. 
You'll have an ill time on't; he kills an Humble Bee flying with a single Bullet, rides three managed Horses every morning, Fences two hours after, and stinks of Gun Powder like the fifth of November.  Keep. 
Then let him be hanged, I'll have nothing to do with him.  Merr. 
'Tis she is to blame, and not he: If a man Robs my Orchard, I shall blame my Gardener more than the Thief.  Keep. 
He has done but what the best Lord in the Land would be proud to do: but I will mawl her, break her China, take down her Hangings, leave her no Plate but the poor Thimble she began the World with.  Merr. 
Spoken like a man of Mettle! and shall we Sup together, and drink till daylight, as we were wont?  Cun. 
Thou art one of Keepwell's evil Counsellors; and if ever he and Bellamira piece again, I shall see thee banished his presence for ever.  Keep. 
I will never be sober again, scarce cleanly, take Tobacco and lie in a Bawdy-house.  Cun: 
Merryman will Compound for Less.  Merr. 
Half drunk every night, and stark drunk once a week, is very fair.  Keep. 
I'll Rout her Instantly.  Cun. 
She has a great many Rich clothes, let her wear out her Livery at least in your Service.  Keep. 
That's well thought, let her wear out her clothes at least in my Service, as he says.  Merr. 
You have almost worn out yourself in hers: you look worse than he, that begun twenty years before you.  Cun. 
Every man's Constitution will not run out into Fat, 'tis the Commendation of a Capon: a good Cock is always lean as I am.  Merr. 
A good Coxcomb always thinks well of himself; why thou lean Rascal Deer, thou visible Pox, thou Common shore of Physic, Reproach of Doctors, and Ruin of Apothecari's, who Flux'st away thy Flesh as often as the Adder casts his Skin, and art full as venomous.  Cun. 
I am sure you look like a full Moon or a Fat Bawd swelled with the Tooth Ach.  Merr. 
When I walk the Streets, men say there goes an honest well natured Fat Fellow to drink a bottle with, and a good Husband I warrant him.  Cun. 
A good Cuckold perhaps: but, the Ladies cry foh, there goes a greasy Sot, a Chandler's Shop in the shape of a man, a mere Lump, a Sponge full of Terse: whose mouth stinks worse than the Bunghole of a Barrel, a Load of manifest impotency, Guts and Garbage for the Bear-Garden.  Merr. 
Thou mere stake to hang clothes upon, thou Scarrow, thou piece of Shriviled Parchment, thou walking Skelleton that may'st be read upon alive, canst thou think any Woman so sharp set as to pick thy rotten Bones, which are but the leaving of Pox, Mercury and Consumption?  Keep. 
Nay good Gentlemen, no heat, let us debate this matter calmly; will this Quarrel about Fat and Lean never have an end?  Cun. 
'Tis as irreconsilable as that of the Flesh and Spirit; Merryman will never let it rest: I am always on the defensive part.  Keep. 
You never consider your poor Friend, tossed as I am between the Billows of Love and Jealousy.  Merr. 
Well-now I have Tormented you sufficiently, it goes against my honest nature to conceal your happiness from you any longer, Dangerfield is an ugly niggardly Rogue, and Bellamira—  Keep. 
Was she never abroad with him in Public.  Merr. 
Nor in Private neither, but once and they fell out; well she loves you most entirely, I could never have thought it.  Cun. 
She was all in Tears by that time you were on Horseback: I had the most ado to Comfort her, and, yet I said a great many pretty things to her; and never looked better in my Life.  Merr. 
I sat with her two hours and our whole discourse was of you, how much she was obliged to you, and what a dear man you were.  Keep. 
I ever told you Merryman, you were too hard of belief and that there was such a thing as true Love, and Constancy too.  Merr. 
I confess my error and shall hereafter think you can never do too much for her. I will drink her health in a Bumper as long as I live, for her fidelity to my Friend, and in his absence too.  Cun. 
If ever you leave her she'll make herself away, that's certain, I have heard her say so a hundred times.  Keep 
Nay, I always thought so, and durst never Chide, nor deny any thing; she has such a spirit.  Enter Silence. Merr. 
But here comes Silence, who will tell you more.  Sil. 
My Mistress wonders you can be so long in Town and not see her.  Merr. 
What, as a whole hour?  Sil. 
You would not have been so long out of a Tavern.  Keep. 
I hear she is taken up with Dangerfield.  Sil. 
He's a Calf, a Blockhead, and she scorns him.  Keep. 
Do you hear this, Merryman? He's a Calf, a Blockhead, and she scorns him.  Merr. 
Did not I tell you as much: and you know I was of another mind?  Sil. 
My Mistress and Dangerfield, are quite fallen out: he gave her the pretty Maid she told you of, and came last night with some drunken Bullies, to take her away by force.  Cun. 
I am a witness of that: Merryman and I drove him away, and raised the Siege.  Sil. 
My Mistress will refer all to Merryman.  Cun. 
Now they are in discourse, I will steal away to Mrs Thisbe, and make my excuse for last night's disturbance.  [Exit. Keep. 
Come Merryman, let's see what Bellamira can say for herself.  [Ex. Keep. and Sil. Merr. 
I'll follow you instantly.  
We were fellow Robbers; I must keep fair with Bellamira or she may get her own Pardon, Peach, and hang me, besides I have received her fee; and am bound to plead her cause.  Enter Lionel. Lion. 
I am the happiest man! Whom shall I praise first? Thee that laidst the Design; myself that executed it, or Fortune that gave it success?  Merr. 
You have succeeded then?  Lion. 
Beyond expectation.  Merr. 
It was a bold design.  Lion. 
And a fortunate one for me: I must have died, if I had not enjoyed her.  Merr. 
I will not trouble your modesty for particulars, but why in this dress still? Do you intent to live and die in your new service?  Lion. 
I could live and die with my new fellow Servant, I went to Eustace's, thinking to have shifted, but the house was full of Company.  Merr. 
Are you not afraid of being known?  Lion. 
No, I met Cuningham and twenty of my acquaintance; they stared at me a little.  Enter Eustace and Cuningham. Eust. 
Here he is, and Merryman with him, the vile contriver of Isabella's ruin. Cunningham, I must use your Sword.  Cun. 
'Tis at the service of any Gentleman, much more at yours that are my Friend. But against whom?  Eust. 
You see the man.  Cun. 
What my old acquaintance Merryman, and that young fellow?  Eust. 
That young fellow is Lionel. When you hear it, you'll say my Quarrel's Just, the Injury not to be pardoned.  Lion. 
My dearest Eustace! The Man of all the World I wished to meet  Eust. 
And Lionel the Man of all the World I am bound to Curse.  Lion. 
Some Villain has abused me to my Friend: I'll cut his Throat.  Eust. 
That Villain is yourself.  Lion. 
Villain! Death, I would have shared my Fortune, my Reputation, my all, but Isabel, with that Man. and to be thus requited.  Eust. 
That Name has roused up my Revenge; Draw and prepare for thy defence.  Lion. 
What means my Friend is he become my Rival?  Eust. 
That should not make this breach  
I'd turn the Boyish Passion out of doors,  
And fly to the embraces of my Friend.  Lion. 
Am I reported to have wronged you inmy discourse?  Eust. 
I'd Kick the Liar should tell me so. O that I were so happy as to doubt! You have accused yourself.  Lion. 
Of what?  Eust. 
Of an injury so great, to me, and all our Family—  Lion. 
To you? Whose Injuries I count my own, and should alike resent 'em.  Eust. 
Revenge me then upon Lustful Lionel.  Lion. 
Sure you are mad, for what?  Eust. 
Why, for a Rape upon my Sister.  Lion. 
I know no Sister that you have.  Eust. 
That's our misfortune, that thou knew'st her not; far hadst thou wronged me with thy Will, I could kill thee as men do Wolves and Tigers; but now must pay a cruel Sacrifice to Honour.  Lion. 
I understand you less and less.  Eust. 
Know then, (for it is just I tell our Quarrel e'er we Fight) that Isabel was my Sister.  Lion. 
What the young Maid at Bellamira's! 'Tis impossible.  Eust. 
By certain Tokens and Circumstances, to me invincible, I know her so.  Lion. 
You amaze me!  Merr. 
Lionel, thou wert wrapped in thy Mother's Smock. Thy Isabel, whom thou lov'st of all the World is found the Sister of thy dearest friend. What then remains, but that you Marry her?  Eust. 
I know his Honour is too nice: nothing remains but that we Fight.  Lion. 
I love my Isabel above my Life  
And all the little niceties of Honour;  
And had rather call her mine than be Crowned King of all the habitable World.  Eust. 
Then we are tied in stricter Bonds than ever. Oh my best Lionel!  Lion. 
Throw not away the Treasure of thy Love, Upon a Soil so Barren:— my Father—  Eust. 
I can easily satisfy all his scruples. She had five Thousand pounds left her by an Uncle: to which I'll add to make her worthy of my dearest Friend.  Lion. 
I know not how to speak, and yet I must.  Eust. 
Thou found'st her apt and easy to thy Lust: Ha,  Lion. 
By all that's good, I hold her Innocent, as violated Temples.  Eust. 
Wert not thou then a sacrilegious Villain?  Lion. 
It is confessed.  Merr. 
Now you have confessed, it is but doing Penance in a pair of Matrimonial Sheets, and there's an end on't.  Eust. 
I was to blame, to trifle all this while. Draw.  Fight. Merr. disarms Cunn. and parts the other. Cun. 
I must have a thrust at thy fat Guts.  Merr. 
Now are thy Skin and Bones, at my Mercy.  Eust. 
This satisfies my Honour; but my Revenge must find some other time.  Lion. 
What if I were long since contracted to another, and to be disinherited if I went back.  Eust. 
You might have told me so? Yet what could that have done?  Lion. 
Perhaps you would not have believed me, and it might have looked like Fear, till we had Fought; but now take the sad truth, and if thou wilt the Life of Lionel: I have been sometime since contracted to Theodosia, the rich Gold-smith's Daughter.  Cun. 
If that be all, you are as free as you were born. You are all men of Honour, and I'll tell you a secret, I have this Morning privately Married that pretty Creature.  Lion. 
It is impossible I should be so happy.  Cun. 
She heard I know not how, that you ravished a young Maid, and were in Love elsewhere: I came in the lucky minute, and am now her Husband.  Merr. 
In the unlucky minute to her. How came she to think of thee?  Cun. 
She did not; her Maid that Governs her, was formerly a Servant to a Mistress of mine, has often tasted of my Bounty and some other civilities have passed between us.  Merr. 
What could she find to say for thee?  Cun 
She told her Mistress, her Father was one of my Tenants, and that I had a thousand a year in Northumberland, to her knowledge.  Merr. 
Thou art a lucky Fellow: the Women will venture Body and Soul to do thee Service any way.  Cun. 
I had missed her for all that, but for a Hundred pound I gave a Nonconformist Parson for his good word, Could I have thought the news of my Marriage with Theodosia would have pleased you, you should have heard of it sooner.  Lion. 
Joy, such as thou giv'st me now, be ever with thee.  Cun. 
I was half afraid we must have had a Tilt.  Lion. 
Will you be my Advocate to your offended Sister?  Eust. 
You need none, since your Designs are Honourable.  Lion. 
Let's embrace like Brothers: for the next Priest shall make us so.  Enter Bellamira, Silence, Betty, and Keepwell. Sil. 
Madam, there's the Rogue that has made all this work.  Bett. 
I never liked him, he has a sly look; and a Hawks Eye with him.  Sil. 
'Twas a mercy any of us scaped  Bell. 
Peace you Fools; he is a Gentleman, and may make her Reparation. We are undone ruined for ever! Your unfortunate Sister whom I undertook to restore you.  Eust. 
What of her?  Bell. 
She has been ravished, and by that Villain you embrace. But now I am asham d to offer her thus stained and sullied; but 'twas no fault of mine.  Lion. 
Oh bring her instantly the Roman Lucrece, was not more virtuous; nor an Estate to one in Goal for Debt more welcome, than she to Lionel.  Keep. 
Think what you do; Marry a Servant, my Father will be in Town anon.  Lion. 
She is the Sister of my dearest Eustace. And above me in Wealth, as in desert. He cannot but approve my Choice.  Keep. 
When you are Married I'll take my pleasure like an Italian elder Brother, and now my dearest Bellamira, we are safe for one seven years.  Lion. 
My Father's appetite of grandchildren I'll undertake to satisfy, if you'll pardon my making bold with your house.  Bell. 
I take it the best way, and charge it all on Love, whose power we most of us have felt. You seem a worthy Gentleman.  Lion. 
A poor younger Brother of your Servant Keepwell's.  Eust. 
How came you to find us here?  Bell. 
We heard that there were Swords drawn; but saw no such matter.  Enter Dangerfield and Smoothly. Smooth 
There she is; but so hemmed in with friends and acquaintance, we had best let her alone.  Dan. 
She is a victorious Beauty, I will go and Surrender myself to her.  Smooth. 
Let's make honourable Conditions.  Dan. 
I will vield to mercy, Hercules did so to Omphale.  Smooth. 
The Example's great.  Keep. 
What's that thing in Buff.  Bell. 
'Tis Dangerfield: I thought you had known him.  Keep. 
He looks like a Militia Captain upon a Training day.  Merr. 
You had best tell him so.  Keep. 
My heart's too big; I can't endure to speak to him.  Dan. 
Who is that next Merryman?  Smooth. 
Your Rival Keepwell.  Dan. 
I can no more endure the sight of a Rival than a fighting Cock can: Hold me, or I shall fly in his Face.  Bell. 
What would that fellow have?  Dan. 
Your Pardon, for my last-night's rudeness; and my Isabel, the pretty Maid I gave you, if you please.  Eust. 
Name her no more: I tell thee she is my Sister a freeborn Subject of England.  Lion. 
If thou dost but name her tho in thy sleep, I'll cut thy Throat: She is my Miscress.  Merr. 
Speak to him, Keepwell: we'll bring you off.  Keep. 
She is to be my Sister-in-law; and I will flay thee, stuff thy Skin full of Straw, and Set thee in my Cherry-Garden, if thou depart not.  Dan. 
I am utterly undone; if I find not some way into this Family: the less hope see, the more I love this Bellamira.  Smooth. 
What if I get you received among 'em, according to your desert?  Dan. 
Command me and mine for ever: I'll give thee fifty Guineas hard Money in hand, and the Sword I twice saved the Nation with.  Smooth. 
Retire a little, 'tis not fit you should be by, at your own Commendations. I'll try what I can do; you have been a good Master to me.  [Exit. Dang. 
I hope all this good Company believes I followed this Fool my Master more for my own sake than his?  Merr. 
None but himself ever doubted it.  Smooth 
I have thought of it seriously, and find you can't do better than to receive this Blunderbus, my Master, into your Family.  Keep. 
What? A Rival! I will as soon receive a Roaring Lion.  Smooth. 
Yes, such a one as he is: a Fool, a Blockhead, a Coward, a Knave that ne'er paid.  Merr. 
For his Cowardice I can answer: he stood to be robbed, like a Cow to be Milked.  Bell. 
He carried me to Supper, and drank himself fast asleep by me.  Cun. 
If he be such a one, what should Ladies do with him?  Smooth. 
He loves Play; you may win his Money, and he has abundance: if he refuse to Play, you may beat him till he will.  Cun. 
I have not heard of a more useful acquaintance, he must not be refused:  Smooth. 
You need not fear any Woman should like him he has been impotent these seven years: when you are weary of him you may Kick him out of doors.  Eust. 
He is a man of a thousand: let me entreat for him.  Keep. 
He shall be admitted, but if he do not prove this Fool, this Coward you speak of, you had better be hanged.  Smoo. 
My life for't. Now, Gentlemen, take me into your Protection, and then Eat, Drink upon, and Laugh at the Fool my Master.  Merr. 
He deserves it abundantly, for keeping such a Rascal.  Keep. 
Call in Dangerfield, and let him know he is received without a Negative.  Smoo. 
Sir you may come in, the whole Company bids you welcome.  Re-enter Dangerfield. Keep. 
Most welcome, noble Dangerfield!  Cun. 
I shall be proud of your farther acquaintance.  Merr. 
I shall be glad to drink a Gallon of Wine with you at the Rose, we will write you of our Club.  Bell. 
I never knew a Civiller person! I was once abroad with him, and he did not offer me the least rudeness.  Dan. 
Gentlemen if any of you want a Second, I am at your service: And Ladies, if any man speaks ill of you, or Lampoon you, I'll cut his throat: Thou hast charmed 'em; I thought they would have torn me to pieces e'en now: There are Fifty Guineas I promised thee.  Smoo. 
I hope Sir, you'll find I have deserved 'em; they did not know your worth; but when I informed 'em of your good Qualities and Parts, I foresaw they could do no less.  Dang. 
Nay, I never came in any place in my life, but when I was well-known I got the Love of Man, Woman, and Child.  Bell. 
Now you see what a fellow this Dangerfield was to be Jealous off.  Keep. 
Where there is no Jealousy, there is no Love.  Bell. 
I have had no other Proof of your Love these two months.  Keep. 
Thou shalt have proofs of all kinds.  Bell. 
So you say always  Keep. 
I have been in the Country, and have brought where with to pay old Scores, and will deal hereafter with ready Mony.  Bell. 
We must have a general Act of Oblivion, now you are one of us no heart burnings hereafter.  Dan. 
I declare I am in Charity with all the World, but that Fat Thief that laid on me so unmercifully.  Bell. 
He must be comprehended too.  Dan. 
I cannot in Honour, unless you lay your positive commands:  Bell. 
You shall never question him. at Law, nor otherwise.  Dan. 
By these Hilts, I never will then.  Merr. 
Then here are the six Guineas you swore were a hundred, your false Rings, silthy Medals, Table book, and other Pocket-Lumber.  Bell. 
And Merryman and I were the whole Dozen of Robbers, you swore against.  Eust. 
What, my valiant Bully, you and your man robbed by two; and one of 'em a Woman!  Dan 
As I was going to draw, I heard a voice cry, hold, hold, thy dead doing hand; strike not: it is thy Mistress, Dangerfield.  Eust. 
You Smoothly, you heard this voice too?  Smoo. 
As perfectly as my Master, one might have heard it to Knightsbridge: besides there is something in a man of Honour that keeps him from striking a Lady.  Enter Lionel with Isabel. Lion. 
Can you forgive your Lionel?  
He never will commit a second Fault.  Merr. 
Not of the same kind, I'll answer for him.  Isa. 
My heart was yours, when we first met in Spain.  
You seized the rest somewhat too rudely here:  
But I am your Wife, and now am all obedience.  Eust. 
How shall I thank Heaven, and Bellamira for her care of thee?  Isa. 
My former troubles vanish like a Dream,  
And am waked to perfect happiness  
By that voice; Oh, my dearest Brother!  Eust. 
I should have known her any where; she is as little altered, as 'tis possible.  Bell. 
Husband and Brother I must yield to them; but the third Joy is mine. My Isabel was Lionel the man thou sawst in Spain? And mad'st that pretty innocent description of?  Isa. 
The same: I never loved another, and now I never shall.  Lion. 
How many accidents have met, to make this happy day!  
The least of which is half a Miracle.  Merr. 
Does not your mouth water, at these Amorous preparations?  This. 
Not at a greasy bit of a fat Drunkard. I am not ambitious of holding your head in a morning, or carrying you to Hampsted, to get you a stomach to a Drunken Supper.  Merr. 
Your proud heart will come down, when you have fasted from Man a year longer, and been arrested once or twice more.  This. 
I might have gone to Goal for all my worshipful Guardian.  Merr. 
Oh, vanity! vanity! What Knight-Errant, do you think would lay down two Hundred pound for you.  This. 
Eustace knows best, he brought the Money; but whoever he were that sent it, if he have but so much a year, I'll Marry him before any man in England.  Merr. 
What though he love Wine, womans, and Tobacco, and were as Fat as I am?  This. 
Yes, with all your faults, and as many more of his own.  Eust. 
Then take her Merryman, she is thine, by her Confession: 'Twas his Money that did satisfy the debt, and I was but employed by him.  Lion. 
We are all Witnesses; there is no going back.  Cun. 
She is proof against all Mankind, for I have Courted her these six Months, yet never could obtain the least indecent favour.  This. 
Since it must be so, I hope you'll prove as indulgent a Husband, as you were a Guardian.  Merr. 
My little charge, if thou hadst not taken pity on me I should have killed myself with Whoring and Drinking; but now I will beget Sons and Daughters till threescore.  Cun. 
Gentlemen your Company is so good, I had almost forgot I was Married this Morning. Lionel, I hope we shall have no suit in the Prerogative Court, though I have Married your Mistress.  Lion. 
Thou art my Redeemer, and hast broken that Knot I should have been troubled to untie. Theodosia was my Father's Choice, (her Bags were contracted to his Acres.) But Isabella's mine.  Keep. 
These Roguish Fiddlers smell a Wedding already; since— They are come Let's dance—  [They Dance. Keep. 
My Bell. and I will lead a married Life,  
Bating the odious Names of Man and Wife;  
In Chains of Love alone we will be tied,  
And every Night I'll use her like a Bride.  Merr. 
Wits, Whoremasters, Gamesters, Drunkards, Bullies, We in our several ways are all but Cullies.  [Exeunt Omnes.  
FINIS.   

EPILOGUE.  
LIke a young Wench that could not well forbear,  
And yet is loath her Lewdness should appear.  
Our modest Poet would have made away  
In private, this mere l●mp you see to day.  
We bid him lay the Bantling at our door  
And for th'event concern himself no more.  
Poets of late with humane Sacrifice  
Have feasted you like Heathen Deities.  
In every Play they served you up a man  
Nay some at Parties and whole Factions ran?  
After such fare, how flat must Terence taste?  
Yet his plain Tales have had the luck to last.  
While your famed Authors, in their life time waste.  
Ye all cry out the art of Writings lost  
Yet nicer Judgements in perfection boast.  
Strange Stars; malignant to Poetic strains  
Yet so productive of Judicious brains.  
What if you Judge, as ill as others Write?  
And only loath for want of appetite;  
No Jew into the Sanhedrim might come  
That had no Issue of his own at home.  
For barrenness supposes cruelty  
No Childless man, might others Children try.  
This wholesome Law would save us from the spite  
Of all the furious Wits that cannot Write.  
And you that do, we should not fear your doom  
If you'd Judge here but as you Judge at home;  
Now Gallants most of you are so well bred  
French has long since chased Latin from your head  
And Terence you have forgot or never read.  
Faith spare'um both, lest your chance medley Wit  
Miss the Translator and the Author hit.  
FINIS.