THE New Athenian COMEDY, CONTAINING The Politics, Economics, Tactics, Crypticks, Apocalypticks, styptics, Sceptics, Pneumaticks, Theologicks, Poeticks, Mathematics, Sophisticks, pragmatics, Dogmatics, etc. Of that most Learned Society. — Ede, quid illum Esse putes? quemvis hominem secum attulit ad nos. Grammaticus, Rhetor, Geometres, Pictor, Alyptes, Augur, Schaenobates, Medicus, Magus, omnia novit, Atticus esuriens, ad coelum jusseris, ibit. Juv. Sat. 3. LONDON, Printed for Campanella Restio, next Door to the Apollo, near the Temple, 1693. TO Edw. Wilson Esq SIR. THE Character and Figure You bear in the World, has so marked You out for Sufferings of this Kind, that I beseech you to take it as a Persecution You were born to. 'Tis enough You attract all Eyes, and fix an Universal Veneration, and have so far got the start of the rest of the generous Pursuers of Your own fair Chase of Honour, that (though without a Title) I may truly say this of You, that You carry the Renown and Grandeur of an English Gentleman, to that uncommon Height, that Nobility itself should it set out with You, would be thrown out of the Race and lag behind You. Nor has Your Port and Bravery more dazzled, than your Justice and Goodness endeared, and the Sweetness of your Temper and Conversation charmed; insomuch, that, betwixt such various Objects of our equal Admiration, you have even reconciled at once the▪ Envy and the Love of Mankind. You are so much Master of a truly noble Genius, that you have all the Glory of a Second Timon, without the Follies and Vanities of the First. And indeed You challenge those United Graces of Gallantry, that like Heaven's fairest Union, Light and Heat, warm where they shine. But Providence pours not such Golden Showers at random; so vast the Difference betwixt the Gifts and the Rewards of Heaven; and 'tis possibly Your own peculiar fairest Glory to deserve first, and then possess. For above all You have that noblest Foundation of Honour, Virtue; a Flower not always so ripe in so young a Garden; that serious and solid Mass of Morals and Principle, that Your Affluence of Worldly Blessings have not smiled more kindly round You, than that has enriched you within; insomuch that You have, at least, this Advantage of the Great complaining Alexander, All see my Spots, but few my Brightness take. that on the contrary you give the World a sufficient View of the last▪ without any Alloy or Cloud from the first. But after Your Pardon first begged for this Boldness. I ought to tell the World, that I make not this Address under the Name of a Dedication: Some worthier Product, and fairer Volume may cover that Honour. No, Sir, this poor Trifle is only thrown into Your Hands en passant; and the only encouragement for this Presumption is, that I consider that he that presents but a Rose bud may express as much Zeal, as he that offers a Garland, which is the best Apology for, SIR, Your most Humble, and Most Devoted Servant, E. S. THE PREFACE TO THE READER. THE Honourable and Learned Athenians (Epithets how justly their due, the following Heraldry will a little blazon) have so long and so highly obobliged the World, that with a natural and so far pardonable Pride, that commonly attends the Glory of Welldoing, they seem resolved to continue there more than Saturnine Progress, in that unfinished Circle, as shall last to the Great Platonic. And if praestat nihili quam nihil agere may make a Gem in their Coronet, the great Indefessus agendo, is truly the Athenian peculiar Prerogative. But not to light a Candle at noon day, and play the Panegyrist on the Athenian Learning, already so known and so conspicuous, 'tis not the Apollinary Arts, but the Apollo's themselves the Arts-masters we are to search for; the Phoebi in nubibus, that have thus long tuned their Lyres for the Titillation of Mortals, so ravishing the Music, and yet so invisible the hands that play it. Ay my Master's invisible indeed. But whatever Shamefacedness, or to shorten the word whatever Athenian Shame has denied Mankind the Favoar of that Discovery, 'tis pity the world should be so vastly indebted, and know not where to pay their Acknowledgements. For really in this wiser Age it looks so ungratefully to build Altars to the Unknown, that nothing possibly can be of more public service than to direct the hitherto wand'ring popular Devotion, no longer randomed, but levelled at so fair a Mark. 'Tis true our generous Athenians have lately vouchsafed to give us some small Lineaments of theirs in Miniature, in a Sculp before their Young Students Library. But there alas, they are pleased to wrap their Faces in Mosaic Veils, very magisterially intimating that they are Persons that daily converse so near with Divinity, that their shining Faces are too dazzling for humane View, and therefore no less kindly than modestly, thus like Bays his Morning pictured in a Cloud. I confess Mr. Engraver has made a pretty Jolly Company of 'em: but there indeed the Painter is a little too poetical; and our Athenians have a little strained a point: For when the true Muster Roll of that not overnumerous Society shall be examined, for supply of that defect, you must consider that the Veiled Faces are by way of ●aggots to fill up the Troop: And in that fair Convention of divine Enthusiasts you must not take 'em all for the Boanerges of Wit, the Organs of Thunder, but like Guns in a Fireship, a Tire of painted wooden Tools to make up the Show. However, no disparagement, the fewer the Hands, the harder the Labour, and consequently the greater the Honour, the Illustration of which Honour is the subject of our present Entertainment. Dramatis Personae Obadiah Grub, Divinity and Poetry Professor of the Society. Jerry Squirt, Casuist and Physician in Ordinary. Joachim Dash, Mathentatician. Jack Stuff, a subtle, ingenious, half Author, hall Bookseller. Derby Fetlock, an Under Turnkey of Newgate. Dorothy Tickleteat, an Islington Milkmaid. Mr. Freeman Two worthy Gentlemen of the Town. Mr. Hardy Two worthy Gentlemen of the Town. Poll, the Coffee-man. Brush, his Man. Scene, S— Coffee-house, Stock-market. The Prologue. THe Learned Sons of Athens have thought good, Long heard, but ne'er seen, felt nor understood; In complaisance, no longer stout nor proud, For once t' unmask, and prep from out their Cloud. Bel— 'tis not small condescending Graces When such Seraphicks come to show their faces. But have a care how 'tis you look before ye, And gaze too long too bold on such fall Glory. And now, Sirs, for our great Heroic Drama, The History of our fair Heirs of Fama; Arts brazen Leaves, and Wisdoms massiest Volumn, Learnings Nil ultra, Wits Herculean Colomn; Nature's Surveyors General, the Great All, Athens, whose vast Ecliptic girts the Ball. For these Illustrious Heroes kindly greeting, In elevated Coffee Cockloft meeting: Stage somewhat of the narrow'st— But no matter, T' excuse our humble Scenes, and small-Theatre, So cooped, so penned— to own their larger due, Such Greatness should descend to mortal view, In pomp and state, their full Majestic mein, Like their great Brentford Brothers, in Machine. ACT. I. The SCENE, an Upper Coffee-Room. Mr. Freeman and Mr. Hardy discovered smoking at a Coffee Table. Enter to them Poll in a great heat. Poll. OH Gentlemen if you love me, I must beg one favour of you. Freem. What's that, honest Friend? Poll. Only that you'd kindly please to withdraw into another Room. Hard. Withdraw! for what? Poll. Oh Sir, the Society, the Society— Free. What the Devil does he mean? Poll. The Athenian Society Gentlemen— Hard. Oh! the Athenians! Poll. They are just now come to sit, and this is their Session's Room. Free. This! What is the man mad? Mercer's Chapel or Gresham College thou wouldst say. Poll. No, nor Gotham College neither. I tell you this very Room Gentlemen, and they are just now coming. Hard. Ouns, man, this Room won't hold ten people; and what dost thou talk of the whole Athenian Society? Poll. Why, how many do you take 'em to be? Hard, Marry! A brace of scores I suppose. Poll. A brace of scores quoth a! when I dined 'em all yesterday with a groats worth of Ox-cheek. Free. How man! Have they Chameleon stomaches then? Poll. No, nor Cannibal ones neither. But what would you have three men eat? Hard. Three! How no more of 'em? Poll. Ay, and a jolly Company too; more by half than the Revenue will maintain. But pray Gentlemen favour me with the Room. Free. Fair and softly, good Landlord. If this wonderful Athenian Senate is no more than a poor Triumvirate, pray let's know who these Learned Sparks are? Poll. Lord Sir! to stay to tell stories— Free. No grumbling; we must have their Genealogies and Histories too before we stir a foot. Poll. If you must then!— Well, the first, the Chairman, to speak in the vulgar phrase, is a Country Parson, by birth a Grubstreetonian, in his Sacerdotal Capacity a Lincolnshire Sermonian; but at present stroled and eloped from his Canonical drudgery, and translated to an Athenian Heliconian; in plain! English the Poetry and Divinity Professor of the Society. To sum up his glory, His Mother, Sir, sells Cheese by the Town-walls, And him, her dear Sir Astrophel she calls. Hard. What a sublime Spirit of Coffee is here! Poll. The second a Doctor of Physic— Har. How, a Doctor! Poll. Yes, and as illustrious a one as ever put Bill to Post whose Right famous Renown▪ shall never die, as long as his Immortal Tetrachymagogon lives. Free. That doughty Virtuoso! That individual puissant Operator! Nay thou hast hit of a Doctor, in the name of Aesculapius. Hard. Well, Landlord, to the third: What sort of a Quack is he? Poll. Quack! have a care what you say: I'd have you to know he scorns your words; he's neither Quack nor Physician. Free. But a Politician! Poll Politician! no Sir, a Mathematician. Free. Oh, a Mathematician! Poll But pray Gentlemen let me entreat you— Hard. Yes, thou hast▪ won the field. The Room is thine; To the Athenian Worthies we resign▪ Well, let the mighty Grubstreet Heliconian, And the Renowned Tetrachymagogonian, That great oraculous bold Meeter-maker, And this no less illustrious Piss pot shaker, Joined with their doughty Mathematic Squire, The quondam great Amanuense of Dyer; Under proud Roos of Poll the Coffee-man, In trine Conjunction sit Wits great Divan. Exeunt Gentlemen, and enter Athenians, viz. Grub, Squirt, Dash. attended by Stuff. Grub. Mr. Stuff, before the House sits call over the Roll. Stuff. I shall Sir. Obadiah Grub. Grub. Here. Stuff. Jerry Squirt. Squirt Here. Stuff. Jo. Dash. Dash. Here. Stuff. A whole House Gentlemen; not a member wanting. Grub. Right; a full Sessions. Squ. Now Brother Athenians, to the great business of the day; I have a learned proposition— Dash. Hold Sir, no speaking before Mr. Chairman is seated. Mr. Chairman seats himself. And now Mr. Squirt, as our Royal Brother of Brentford says, Since fair occasion seems so debonair, Do you take that; and I will take this Chair. Seat themselves on each side Mr. Chair man. Stuff. Gentlemen before you fall upon business, d'ye see, and debate as Athenians, d'ye see, give me leave to thrust in a word as a head venturer amongst you, d'ye see; I desire your Reverences to consider 'tis not long since you had your mouths stopped, d'ye see. Grub. Our Mercury silenced you mean. Stuff. And it cost me near thirty Guineas for a Golden Court-key to unlock 'em again, d'ye see: 'Tis trus, I got a kind of a Patent by it, and set up our Society a complete Corporation, with a full promise of suppressing all Interlopers, whether Lord or Lady Mercuries, etc. and so the Money was not ill laid out. However I must desire you to consider seriously that a poor Impression of 35 single quires of Mercuries, and above half of them Returned, d'ye see, will be a long time a raising of that sum; and therefore you must not take it ill if I pinch Commons a little, and retrench superfluities, till I retrieve that loss, d'ye see. Grub. Look you Sir, we are considering men, as you say, and acquiesce to your great Reason. Dash. Yes Mr. Stuff, all we can pinch we will. But this by the way you must consider too, That the great Motto of our Society is Magister Artium Ingeniique Largitor Venture— And therefore, sweet Sir, you must strain as far as e'er you can to cherish and envigorate the drooping Spirit of Athens in your ever obsequious and laborious Drudges and Vassals. Stuff. Well Gentlemen▪ I stand corrected, and shall stretch my utmost ability to carry on the Cause. A loud knocking without. Grub. Who's that knocks so unmannerly at the door? Lord, what Impudence is this World made of? Poll, go look out and see what rude fellow's that. Squ. If he has business of moment, admit him. Poll. I shall Sir. Squ. But hold; one clause more in your Commission. Admit him, but first correct his sauciness. Exit Poll. Dash. Nay Brother, this grievance is intolerable: For my part, I know no reason why this August Assembly should not be treated with all the respect due to a Council-Chamber. Grub. Right Brother; and have the attending Petitioners scrape, not knock for Admittance. Squ. There I agree with you both. 'Tis my Vote therefore that our Order be immediately issued forth for due observation accordingly. Dash. The Gentleman that spoke last has advised well, and has my Vote of Concurrence. Grub. And mine. Therefore Resolved Nomine Contradicente. Enter Derby Fetlock, introduced by Poll, who speaks to him entering. Poll. 'Tis well you have acknowledged your offence: But for this first fault your submission shall be accepted. But see that you mend your manners by way of Atonement. Derby. Lord, are they such great folks then?— Well, I am resolved to rummage my Perecrany and rattle my Brains together for a Learned Speech to accost their High and Mightynesses. Grub. Well friend, who are you? Derby. I am, and shall please your Learned Profundity, by occupation a Sub-warden to the right famous College in Blow-bladder Precinct, and by my present Commission a small Envoy, from a long Student and Graduate in that Honourable Society, who humbly offers to your Athenian discussion this weighty Interrogatory, as you'll find in the within contents. Gives 'em a Letter. Dash. From a Recluse in that Honourable Cell. A Student and Graduate too, says he! Squ. A Brother Collegiate, a Bird (pardon the humility of the phrase) of our own Feather; a Professor, no doubt, of the Mercurial Arts and Sciences. Grub. Right Brother; and as a person thus dignified and distinguished (to use my own Orthodox Dialect) 'twill be but breeding and good manners, as a natural Respect from one Learned Society to another, to treat this worthy Interrogater with all suitable Devoirs and Civility. Squ. Right worthily proposed. Grub. And therefore friend, as to your affair before us, we acknowledge your Credentials, and accept your Embassy. Return then to your Master, and assure him that his Negotiation shall be answered with all Application and Dispatch, both to our own glory and his full satisfaction. And withal, return the best Respects and Esteem of this Honourable Society to himself and the rest of his Brethren Students and cloisterers, our ever-valued Colleagues and Allies. Darb. Right worthy Sir, I shall deliver him your Commands, and am farther commissioned to tell your Honours, That for your high favour in unnoosing this knot for him, if ever he gets his Snow-hill Doublet off his back, without taking his leave in a Paddington Collar; or to speak plainer in our own College language: if he has but the honour of riding off Right-hand-man of the Independent Troop, he is resolved to make you his personal acknowledgement for this signal obligation. Exit making three low Reverences. Grub. Now Brother, let us read and peruse. Opens the Letter. Reads. Most Learned and most Honoured Athenians, YOur so well known, and no less admired, and (to add one Epithet more) your ever resounding Worth and Merit, has encouraged my present Address, in beseaching your ingenious solution of the Question subseribed, Your gracious grant whereof will eternally oblige Most Venerable Sirs, The humblest of your Votaries and Homagers, Hotspur Roadman. Question. which is the more Noble Animal, a Louse or a Flea? Postscript. The first of these generous Animals (not that our Intimacy should make you partial in your Determination) has been a constant Attendant of my present Retirement and Studies, and therefore not improperly some part of my speculations. Grub. The nobler Animal a Louse or a Flea! I profess a knotty point, and requires elaborate Headpiece-work to answer: And therefore what think you Gentlemen of two penny worth of cold Tea, alias warm Nantz, by way of preparatory, for enlivening our fancies, and enlightening our Intellectuals, for the livelier and sprightlier discussion of so formidable a Question? Squ. With all our Hearts. But first by your leave Mr. Stuff what say you to it? Stuff. Truly Gentlemen, not to starve a good Cause, I care not if I make it up a whole Quartern. For good Wits deserve encouragement, and as an old saying I have heard among you Foecundi Calices, etc. I confess 'tis at present a saucy prized Liquor. But hang pinching, I shall find it in the hundred, for Mr Grub shall repay it in Helicon. Grub. There spoke the genius and the Soul of Poetry. Stuff. Therefore, Brush, bring a quartern of Mr. Chairmans' best Whetwit. Brush. Presently Sir. Exit. Grub. A long quartern sirrah: For Wit and Learning, Weight and Measure go through the World. Enter Brush wtih Frandy. Squ. Now Gentlemen to the Question, the Nobler Animal— Look you [Noble] is a high and honourable Epithet, a word of Altitude, as I may so say. A Man, or indeed any other sublunary Creature may be styled Noble, in two several senses. First, in his personal Capacity, and secondly in his Extract and Original. As to the personal capacity of these 2 Animals proposed in the Question— Dash. Hold Brother, the decision of that point is my Province. As to their personal capacities this I must say, since Nature either has not furnished these two Animals with Bulk and Dimension suitable to their extraordinary Figure and Symmetry, or rather has not furnished our narrow, sighted humane Optics with sufficient perspicacity to distinguish the extraordinary parts, lineaments and corporeal accomplishments of the said animals in their due perfection, I have a little Mathematical Instrument, a small piece of art in my pocket, that has discovered most prodigious phenomena in the corporeal qualifications of the said minute animals: and let me tell you, there's exactly as much difference between a Louse and a Flea, as between an Elephant and a Rhinoceros. Grub. Prodigious indeed. Dash. Nay; I have so accurately surveyed and delineated the Proboscis of the one, and the Cusp or Horn of the other, both so plain, and indeed so amazing. For experiment sake, Friend Jerry, have you ever a— Squ. I understand you— But 'tis not worth my unbuttoning to furnish you; for we have seen the Experiment, and are so fully satisfied in that point, that, to give 'em both their due, we know not to which to assign the superiority, but if you'll come to the second noble qualification, their Extract, a Flea has so much the fairer Original; a Flea, I assure you, Mr. Chairman, is your own Cousin German, no less than a Son of Phoebus. What Parent, pray you, but the bright God of Day to warm that little Infant of the Summer's Sun into Life: and to show you 'tis an offspring that does not shame its great Descent, what Activity, what Sprightliness and Vivacity do you find in it; when on the other side the dull, the phlegmatic, the heavy lumpish Saturnine Louse— Dash. Nay, fair and softly; you run a little too fast. If you are for Genealogies and Nativity, pray take the great birth of the little Polypus, the Louse, into your grave consideration. Do you think 'tis not as high an honour to his Veins to have the vital warmth of Man for his Parent; that Anima Mundi, or at least Lord of the World, nay, himself a World; that more than Miscrocosm, Man, for his Sire. Grub. Nay, fair and softly both of you. What is Birth and Extract for a foundation of true Nobility, when as an inspired Brother of the Quill observed, — Genus & proavos & quae non fecimus ipsi Vix ea nostra voco— No, Gentlemen, all that has already been said are weak arguments in the Great Cause depending. Alas, consider, my Learned Friends, that we sit here for more important work, and sublimer contemplations. You forget sure that the main Great End of our Debates and Results is the Encouragement of true Religion, Virtue and Piety; and the suppression of Vanity, Vice and Profaneness. And perhaps never was a fairer Topick of that kind came before us than in these two small animals now in controversy. For instance, what is the Flea but apetfect image or portrait of Prodigality, nay the Prodigal himself, that very unprovidently, like the Grasshopper, only hops and dances in Summer, and famishes and starves in Winter. Nay, what's yet a greater blot in his Scutcheon for (dic quibuscum sis, & dicam quis es) he herds and sociates with Dogs, when on the contrary, the braver-spirited Louse consorts with Men, and not only so, but is the perfect Emblem of the provident good Husband; is no Rover, nor Rambler, but carefully keeps home, will lodge snug in the Collar of a Doublet (unless disturbed by the hard hand of Philistines) there perform the first great Commandment, Increase and Multiply, and be the stayed and careful Father of a Family even to the fifth and sixth Generation. Squ. Well Brother, you have spoken with the Voice of an Oracle. The Defence of Religion and Virtue, Morals and Principle as thou observest, are our grand affair, and accordingly we subscribe to your deep Judgement, The Louse the nobler animal; besides I could add one mite more into the Scale of the Louse to out balance his weaker Rival the Flea. The Flea, with submission, is a perfect. Blood sucker, and lives in open violation of the Mosaie Law. Grub. That's no great matter, we are neither Jews nor Scots to stand upon that scruple. And now you talk of Blood, for my part no man loves a Black-pudding better than myself: and truly having named Black-pudding, there's an honest Tripe-woman, my particular acquaintance, in the Poultty market (I believe you may see her out of the window) that sells the best in London. Under the Rose, Gentlemen, I was once a Suitor to a Daughter of hers before I married my Noncon. Dash. A Suitor said you to the Tripe woman's Daughter? Grub. Ay, and had like to have carried her, only the silly old woman broke off the Match. For when we came to the great Matrimonial preliminary the matter of Money, the penurious stingy old fool was for having me take out her daughters whole portion in Tripe and Trotters; which substantial household gear, though Heaven knows I love very well, yet I was for some ready Coal, and could by no means dispense with all Souse and no Silver. Stuff. Now you talk of your Tripe mother that should have been, I have just now laid out a small parcel of Rhino in some of her own manufacture. Squ. Sayest thou so, honest Provider. Stuff. In the very specifical numerical Commodity you have been talking of, Black-pudding. And now my honest Landlord below is boiling 'em for Dinner. 'Tis true I have no great fancy myself for that Heathen Anti-Judaical compound (as thou callest it). But no matter I have bought me a Chitterling for my own Dinner. Dash. But prithee, Landlord, how camest thou to love that silly, limber, nerveless Gut called a Chitterling. Squ. Poxon thee! done't ask such an impertinent Question. Dost thou not know he can't get his Wife with Child, and what the Devil would you have him love but a Chitterling. aside to Dash. to Squirt. Dash. But does his Wife love a Chitterling too. Squ. Mum, not a word of that. (aside.) Grub. Well, Gentlemen, since our kind Master Mr. Stuff has been so careful a Caterer for us in Dish of Black-puddings, to show you that we Athenians must improve all our minutes in pushing on the Great Work, the Cuttivation of Learning; No, not so much as at the hour of Dinner, lie fallow, I am just now labouring with a very great thought which I have long teemed withal. Dash. Nay Mr. Chairman is in the right, we must not lose so much as our very sleeping-time without some product or other. For my part I am sure I laid the whole design of my second Spira in my sleep. Grub. How! In thy sleep! Dash. Verily in my sleep. You must know dreaming naturally very of the Devil, that renowned Prince of the Air, and Lord of Darkness was generously pleased one night to inspire me in a kind Dream with the whole Hint and Foundation of my Spira. And truly, not to be ungrateful for favours received, I embraced his Princely Highness' kind motion, and the very next morning set pen to paper in nomine Domini Atheniensis, touched with a Coal from his own Altar, and writ like a perfect Enthusiast. Grub. Nay, now you talk of the sweet reposing softs of sleep for a conceptionary inspiration, I can assure you I have made use of a much homelier hour; For, between friends, I have answered many a Poetical Lady's Question in our Mercury upon my Stool; and every strain I made I tagged a Couplet. Nay Gentlemen, my Muse and I (I can tell you) have both disembogued together. Squ. Well but as you were saying, what's this Mercurial Rhapsody of yours we are like to have now at this gaudy dinner of ours? Grub. Why, truly I have summed up our whole Society, our Arts and Sciences, and indeed the whole body of our Athenian Learning in this grand Oleo now before us, viz. a Black-pudding. Squ. I protest, a noble Thought. Grub. 'Tis true, I once designed it for a loftier Pindaric, but at present take it in humbler Heroick. Dash. Silence in the Court whilst Mr. Chairman delivers. Grub. Assist me some bold Muse, profoundly studying For the great Compound, an Athenian Pudding. A large Black-pudding, neither long nor straight, Oval nor round, but a fair Figure of Eight. That grand Numerick 8, but justly given To us great Bards. Th' old Sages were but Seven. But by the dint of our Athenian Pen, We justly writ ourselves the Eight Wise Men: Omnes. Hum, hum, hum! Grub. Come all our Learned Votaries, to delight you, Hear to what Entertainment we invite you. Come taste our Dish, served up in Platter Wooden, A Dish a Feast, and that great Feast a Pudding. Our Mercury, Wits noble Medley Treat, What is't, true Pudding-like, But Sausage meat? Wit from the top to bottom, 'tis well known: A right true Pudding still, All Meat, no Bone. Have we Sense, Learning, Wisdom, full and whole: Still a Black-pudding, stuffed with Blood and Soul. Our Learned labours, Sirs, have all that's good in; The more Athenian still, a Marrow Pudding. Marrow indeed our Pudding never lacks; Unless sometimes the Gut in boiling cracks: And then the Wit runs out, till poor lank things, We shrink and dwindle into Chitterlings. Mongst the more lofty subjects, fit for volumes, The daily Arguments that grace our columns; What if sometimes a Pigmy Question creeps! So Tom Thumb too in Athens Pudding peeps. Have we sometimes some merry acquaint Device, Of Joque and Clinch? Our Pudding Herbs and Spice. May Athens Sons proud Glory he to departed 'em, Whilst still our mighty work is Pistum Fartum. Here they all Draw, and march with their naked Knives into the next Room to Dinner. ACT II. Enter Grub, Squirt, Dash and Stuff, as from Dinner. Grub. I Profess Gentlemen a Festival Banquet, an absolute Bacchanal, In verbo Sacerdotis— Helicontensis I would say; I have not carest myself so sumptuously Heaven knows the good day. Squ. Nay troth, as thou sayest, 'twas a luscious Regale. For my part I fell on so briskly, and bestirred my Grinders so hearty— Dash. Nay Gentlemen, to do us all right, there was no Love lost on any side; we all behaved ourselves so manfully, and made our Attack so substantially, with our Loins girt and our Sandals buckled, till we made as clear work as a Jew at a Passeover. And now Gentlemen, a propo! what think you, if for a short pause after Dinner, not always to be wrapped up in our Athenian altitudes, nor altogether converse with Sublimities, for once we lay aside our non vacat Exiguis, and our Majora canamus, and e'en descend from our Learned Pantheon to laugh out half an hour in a little humbler chat, and talk like the vulgar. Squ. Truly a very good proposal. And what if to make up the mirth, we take our honest Landlord into the Consort? Grub. By all means! Let him be called— Mr. Poll. Poll. Your pleasure, Gentlemen? Enter Poll. Squ. Mr. Chairman gives you leave to sit down with us. Poll. I humbly thank your Honours. Dash. Nay, Mr. Chairman, I suppose you'll favour him with leave to be covered too. Grub With all my hoart: Mr. Poll; we must not bear state always; pray for once make no Ceremony, but be one of us. 'Tis true, 'tis a Grace we must not always grant; for besides the Dignity of this Honourable Society, even in my own private capacity, I must tell you Mr. Poll, not to pride myself, I think a Son of the University ought to be— Squ. Worshipped you mean. There I confess, Brother Grub, you have somewhat the advantage of me. For a University or a College, Oxonian, Alma Maternian, and so forth, were never any part of my ambition. Heaven be praised, I can prepare my Tetrachymagogon without a Velvet Cap. or a Tufted Gown; without the servitude of a Scholars Apprenticeship, or the charge and expense of a learned Livery. No, Gentlemen, I profess a great deal more good husbandry than that comes to. For look you, my Masters, as long as there's Post or Pissing-place in either street, nook or alley, in the whole spacious Town of London, to blazon my renown upon, 'tis infinitely less chargeable to have my Fame and Learning stand conspicuous in large black and white, than to walk in Scarlet from the Schools to St. Mary's Besides, I thank my Stars, I have been as serviceable in the Bills of Mortality, and have had the hearty prayers of all the Parish Clerks and Sextons; and all with as able an executing hand, as the proudest Graduate Professor of 'em all. Dash. Nay, there I jump with my Brother Squirt. An University is no part of my pretention neither. I bless Heaven my very small Literature is of my own Nursery, a homely plant of my own Kitchen Garden, I assure you. And truly I am rather proud than ashamed of that Qualification. For mark me Gentlemen, more Confidence and less Learning makes the Compounds for an Athenian. And possibly had my foolish Parents, or my own misfortune destined me for an Academian, ' us ten to one but the University Modesty might have done me more harm than good, by baulking my Courage, and consequently marring my Preferment, by rendering me incapable of my present post of Honour: Squ. Truly Brother, a very good observation, Modesty is in deed too cold a Glebe for an Athenian soil. We must have Horse-dung Beds for our brisker and nimbler productions. Minerva. was the offspring of Jove's brain; and pray was not Vulcan's hard Hand and his harder Hammer called for her Lucina. For my part, I would not give a farthing for a Head-piece that has not a Forehead answerable to it. 'Tis not your Leaves of Brass, those boasted Records of Heroes; but Fronts of Brass, that must raise our Monuments. Dash. Faith thou hast hit it. 'Twas just such a Front that writ my Second Spira. Grub. Ay boy, that was a Master stroke. Pray Mr. Stuff how many have you sold of that glorious Apocrypha? Stuff. Only some few small Impressions, sum total about 18 thousand. Well, Mr. Dash, I am not a little obliged to you for that tickling Quivedo, that sweet Vision of Hell. Prithee what Muse didst thou invoke, dear Joachim, for that sublime Inspiration. Dash. Muse quoth a! no troth; those silly shamefaced Girls, the nine blushing Fools, I assure you were no Gossips at that jolly Christening. No really, if I may tell you the truth, I was illuminated by a Grubstreet Apollo, whilst the great Souls of Garagantua, Lazarillo, Captain Jones, St. Jago Pilgrims, etc. were the warm transmigrating Fires that animated me for the bold Montellon of that Golden Oracle. Grub. Nay, troth that elaborate piece is all pure Elixir Atheniense, the very Spirit and Quintessence of thy Mercurial SALT. But hang thee, Jo. not to make thee too proud neither, in my opinion our honest Master, little Jack there, has been the hardy bold Britain of the two in that courageous publication; and accordingly deserves the fairer share of the Laurel for it. For look you; Jo. thy part in it was no more, than we brothers of the Quill, by virtue of that great branch of the Poet and Painter's Charter, Quidlibet audendi, may pretend some little Excuse for. Besides Gentlemen, do not we writ Athenians, and pray is not Athens a fair Town of (let me see) some 2 thousand mile's distance from little old England? Squ. Such a way bit, Mr. Grub. Grub. Tar-box, we writ Travellers too; and consequently, by the known right and property of Travellers; may very lawfully— Squ. Do what? Grub. Lie by authority; and there's an end on't. Dash. Sweet Sir, I am your most obliged humble Servant. Grub. But for our friend and Patron Jack: What buffets has he stood in defending, and what toil and fatigue has he undergone in vouching and legitimatizing that spurious brat? For example, how many motherly Matrons (the pious chap women for that golden piece, that aurum fulminans, for the blowing up and confounding the Atheistical Gogs and Magogs') has he had to tickle and chuckle into an implicit Faith for the swallowing of that pious Legerdemain. Nay, and what's harder yet, how many Crape gown Visitants, those more learned and more formidable Curioso's, has he had to satisfy in the undoubted veracity of that prodigious Ens Metaphysicum. Stuff. Nay hold a Little Gentlemen, pray give me leave to be my own Trumpet in this cause, as best able to sing my own Glories in that Triumphant Subject, I assure you, Gentlemen to all the Several Thousand Inquisitors upon that Question (for 'twas half the work of my shop to answer them) though I say it myself, I have stood the Brunt with that presence of mind, that Courage and Constancy enough to dub me a Hero. You know I have a Languid sort of Countenance, and what with a grave face, and the manage of a sanctified Grimace, I have replied so demurely, turned up white of Eyes so devoutly, and protest so sincerely, that really I have rarely or never met that severest e'en Infidel Curiosity, that I have not softened and sweetened into some sort of a Conversion. But Mr. Dash, I am the best Bookseller for such an Author, for you must know I have a particular Talon that way. 'Tis no new thing to me I assure you. Time has been that I have had the Confidence (the modest assurance I would say) of as bold an undertaking before. Dash. No doubt on't Mr. Stuff, Nor am I insensible of your Virtues of that kind. For truly between friends the knowledge I had of my Publishers merits that way was possibly my greatest Encouragement for the work. Under the Rose, I had never laboured with that Stupendious Birth, had I not been well assured of so able a Nursing hand to rear it. Stuff. There you did me Right. And Indeed you had sufficient reason for that assurance in me. For as 'tis notoriously known, that I have published some posthumous Pieces even of my own dear Daddys' writing and composing under my own name; as my own legitimate and particular Production and Offspring: and robbed the very dead for no other Feather than the Titular Author to grace the Booksellers Scutcheon. After so current a Slur upon the world for mere vanity sake, 'tis hard, if in so much greater and weightier an Importance as the profit and Interest of so Selling a Copy as Spira, I could not strain a little Extraordinary point of modesty for so potent a Consideration. Poll. By your Leave Gentlemen, shall I make bold to thrust in a word? Grub. with all my heart honest Landlord, I think thou hast not spoke yet. Poll. Then truly Mr. Stuff, if you have had the happiness of Sweetening and Softening so many thousand Infidels into a Beleif of your Spira, you have had better luck than I upon that Subject. Stuff. Thou! Landlord. Poll. Yes I Sir. For my part I ventured once and but once to try my little Rhetoric for making a Convert of one of those Infidels, and I declare I had like to have had my head broke for't. Dash. Why honow Landord: wert thou a Champion for my Spira? Poll. Yes troth a piece of one, and much I got by't. For t'other day there came a gentleman to drink a dish with me, and falling 〈…〉 fowl upon your Spira, I in good Reason, as I thought, began a little to rebuke him for traducing and Scandalising so Authentic and Substantial an Oracle as the History of the second Spira. Hereupon besides a hundred Impudents and Rascals he called me for Justifying so notorious a piece of villainy (nay if he had been in mad Nantz as he was only in sober Coffee I believe he had knocked me down,) he was pleased to utter such hideous hard words against the Author and Publisher of it, as made me tremble to hear him. If you think Mr. Dash you can bear the hearing of them, I have a pretty good memory, and believe could repeat them verbatim. Dash. Hear them Landlord? Ay with all my heart. And as to the Bearing I have as much of that part of the great Cardinal Fortitude as the whole nine Worthys. Poll. With your permission then First in plain English he Swore the Pamphlet or fable of the Second Spira was the most notorious lie and forgery that ever looked light in the face. Dash. A very fair Beginning. Poll. Nay, and you'll have as fair an End on't too. To proceed than he did not (he said) so much quarrel at the Impudence and Knavery of the Romance itself, as being no doubt a Badge of the Authors profession, but at the nonsense and Stupidity of the dull Rogue for putting his Lies so Sillily and foolishly together. Grub, That indeed was a Shrewd blot. aside. Poll. For, (continued he) how do they patch up the credit of this Mormo? O yes? very substantially. For 1st. a politic Advertisement at the End of the Book and in half a dozen Mercuries besides, gives us to understand that the worthy and reverend Divine from whose hand the Athenian compiler had his notes and minutes to work upon, had unluckily taken a Religious Ramble into the Country (a blind Journey I suppose to the D's Are— of Peake) and thereby was unfortunately non present for the necessary Vindication of the Sacred Truths in that History to confront the Scruples and Calumnies against it. Squirt. So Sir, go on. Poll. 2ly. What was the greatest obstruction to a full Discovery, 'twas insinuated that the unhappy Gentleman the Subject of that Tragical Relation, was a person of high Quality, and therefore his honourable Parents used their best Injunctions to hush his name as a reflection upon their noble Family to have such an Apostate member die out of it. Dash. Very well. And pray what could this Satirical Guest of yours object against these two Insinuations, as he's pleased to call 'em. Poll. Why truly even enough to lay you flat on your Back. To the first, says, he, was ever such a blockhead as this thick sculled Athenian, to feign so ridiculous a Story as the black robed Gentleman's Absence in the Country to the unfortunate stifling their Spira's Veracity; when besider that single attesting Dr. the Book mentions that no less then four professors of Divinity had the ghostly Care of this poor Gentleman on his Death bed; and pray were the other all gone into the Country too, that not one single Champion of 'em all could step forth, tho' in so important a Cause, so necessary a Testimonial for the Service of his Religion and Altars. Ay but his Parants forsooth had bound 'em to Silence. Very pretty Injunction, when the bare trivial Request of a Scrupulous Parent (for that was the Parents utmost power) could be of force sufficient to supersede the higher obligations of Conscience and Christianity in four Orthodox (or indeed suppose but one single one) professors of Religion and Preachers of the Gospel, to be so much Traitors to their God (for that's their best name) that not one of 'em from that day to this has so much as opened his mouth, (nay and that too in so Athesticall an Age) to the attesting that single short narrative of this anonimous Spira's dreadful Example, tho' possibly to a much greater Service to their Church then the whole Pulpit work of half an Age. Squirt A very Severe Observator. Poll. And as to the Parents wonderful tenderness of their Families Credit in this Severe Injunction upon the silenced Divines, truly neither Barrel better herring, if we can suppose such honourable Christian Parents so concerned for the Reputation of one dissolute Son, one mortified Branch of their whole stock, as to do so public an injury to the whole Christian Proffession in so Barbarous a Tongue-tye; this I may safely say of 'em. they are neither half the Christians nor had half the Charity upon Earth as Dives had in Hell; for he good man, comparatively so called, was for making his own dreadful Example of Eternal Vengeance, if possible, a to his Brethren upon Earth, by sending Messengers to them to warn 'em from splitting on his Rock, and being Swallowed in his Gulf; which if you'll believe the Athenians, was no part of this Noble Families Consideration. Let a thousand Athesticall Renegadoes die and be damned (which possibly this only Example openly and faithfully transmitted to Posterity might have converted) provided that this single Apostate Child of theirs may sleep in his grave with a noli me tangere, only for the pleasure of keeping his Ashes unprofaned, in compliment forsooth to his honourable Pedigree. Dash. And was this all he had to say? Poll. Only a short farewell Conclusion, which was that you ought to fall upon your Knees (only he thought praying was not part of your Studies) and thank Heaven and a merciful Government that you have not had a fair lash from Newgate to Tyburn for so impudent an Imposture shammed upon the world under a Licence and Imprimatur, enough to put Religion itself out of Countenance, as if it wanted such Authorised Cheats and lies to appear in public with a cum privilegio as a Crutch to support it. Dash. Enough Enough good Landord. The Gentleman was a little too Satirical. And truly thou hast made a sort of an ungrateful Titillation in some tingling Organs about me, that I vow I care for hearing no more. Not that I am troubled with any such green-sickness Virgin Grace as Blushing, no I thank my Constitution I have a tougher Skin; and defy the utmost the snarling world can say against me. For Landlord I may tell you as a Friend, that Truth and Honesty, Religion or Conscience are no Athenian Arguments, we writ for the penny, and there's an Answer for all. Grub. Well Gentlemen, what if we Change this melancholy Subject and talk of a little merrier Country matters. Dash. What of our Wives? Grub. Ay no better Subject. Stuff. Nay Gentlemen if you talk of wives, I have that to say to my Wife— Squirt. Nay I fancy thou hast much to say to her, but I believe thou dost little enough in Conscience, by a very sad token we have so little fruits of thy Labour. Stuff. Not so neither Mr. Squirt. I can assure you there's no good will wanting of my side. Dash. Nor of hers I'll swear for her. aside Stuff. 'Tis true the Blessing of Children and raising of seed— Dash. With the small Corn in thy Bushel— aside Stuff. Is not every woman's happiness. Dash. Not every man's Ability— aside Stuff. Not that the Blessing of Children is the only consideration, for besides that, there's a certain pride and credit in being a Father, and that little sort of Honour in a fireside, that truly I am in no small Affliction from my shame and Reproach under the Infelicity of that want. Nay what with the Jeers of my fleering neighbours abroad— Squir. And thy Curtain Lectures for non-performance at home aside Stuff. Together with my want of an Heir to my Copies (viz. to my Fee simple in ten Volumes of Mercuries, and the twice ten more you'll write me) I labour under no little trouble of mind. Squirt. Nay really Mr. Stuff all these are sensible Afflictions especially the last mortifying Thought, the want of an Heir to thy Mercurial Volumes, Treasures, let me tell you, as precious as Purcelaine, that may lie by to thy great great grandchildren a Hundred years hence. Dash. Nay besides all this a Childless Citizen looks so Bankrupt like, so forlorn a wretch, that poor trader in Love, as if he had neither City stock of his own, nor Court credit to supply him. Grub. Look you Brother Dash, neither your Mathematics nor Mr. Squirt's Philosophy has yet hit of the true Cause of Mr. Stuffs malady and Distemper. Stuff. Malady and Distemper, said you? Grub. Ay, distemper old Boy downright natural Infirmity. But if thou'lt follow my Direction, I'll help thee to a Recipe better than all his Tetrachymagogon, a Cure that shall mend all thy faults and make thee a Dad immediately. Stuff. Mend my faults and make me a dad? I vow Mr. Grub you'll do me the greatest kindness in the whole world, and you shall never know what I'll do for you if you'll oblige me with this dear Recipe. Grub. Well then to make it pass the sweeter E'en take it as it runs in Meeter. Thou want'st indeed— (I know thou dost) A Son and Heir— (and 'tis but just) An Heir on whom, (Born to Inherit, If possible, a triple Spirit,) When Our High- Holbourn Chariots call, May our Athenian Mantle fall. But why is this great Heir ungot: All thy own foolish fault; God wots. Thou'rt, in plain English, Honest Laddy, Too much a sloven for a Daddy. To longing Spouse what's more uneasy Then to consummate Gross and Greasy. Nothing like spruce and gay and gallant, Best tickles the Conceiving Talon. Reform then Jack; and pick up, go Powder and prink thyself a Bean. Then with Drums beating, Colours flying, No savour, but clear Stage, defying The world in Martial Order gradicall March on, nor doubt thy strength nor Radical. With all thy Forces in Battalia Push on into Love's bold Pharsalia. Fear not thy prowess, my sweet Friend, But honestly at nine Months End Expect thy Valours Trophys, Cradle's Nurse, sucking Bottles, Possets, Cawdles; And Chatting Gossips blithe and Hilary With all their Mouth guns and Artillery. But if some croaking Bird of Night Both Flesh and Devil own thee a spite And thy own poor Domestic scantling Is not enough to raise a Bantling, Throw by thy Cockbroths, Jellies, Eggs and Chocolate, And borrow some kind Friend thy Crab t'inoculate. Exeunt Omnes Mr. Stuff and Grub gratefully embracing. ACT. III. Enter Grub, Squirt, Dash, Stuff etc. Grub. WELL Mr. Stuff have you consulted your pillow, and resolved upon my Poetical Instuctions and measures for carrying on the great work of Propagation. Stuff. why really Mr. Grub I have ruminated and pondered upon your Learned Advise in that Conjugal Importance. Squirt. Well; how and how then? can you say with our old friend Catiline. It is Decreed nor shall thy Fate Oh Rome— Stuff. 'Tis so far decreed that all the necessary Preliminaries are already Settled. For Instance I have not only been treating with the Broom man and Kitchen stuff-maid, those necessary small Merchants for the disposal of my old Wardrobe; but I have likewise consulted the ablest Cucumber Oracle my Neighbour Sheerman, and Mrs. Topping and Mrs. Commode, the Tailor Sempstress and Milliner in the Cabal the whole Fraternity and Sisterhood of Beau-makers, for my personal Equipment and Embellishments. Grub. Nay then my dear Disciple, I see my good Doctrine has not been thrown away upon thee. Stuff. Nor is this all my Preparatory. For after I have new Cased myself, new rigged and tackled my outward Furniture, I am resolved to take a little pains and lay out some Cost upon the Hulk itself; and therefore design to go t'the Hummums. Squirt. The Hummums! I vow that is taking pains upon thy Hulk indeed, the sweetest way of Careening a fowl vessel. Stuff. Nay Gentlemen I intent to go through stitch with it; To be Cupped and re-cupt, rubbed up and rubbed down, bathed and balmed, fumed and fumigated, humed and double hummed, my Masters, till I put Spirit and Elixir into me; And then— Grub. And then indeed old Boy. Nay thou takest the right Method for it: and if after all this trimming and sweetening thou dost not slip into thy dear Spouses Titillations, and tickle her up a little Bantling, we must then conclude thy Disease is Desperate, and nothing but the last Application will perform the Cure. Stuff. The last application? Borrowing help to inoculate my Crab I suppose you mean: Nay as you say, if all the rest of your prescription will not Effectually operate, I must be forced to submit, and e'en dispense with that last unsavoury Dose of Horn Jelly, the Inoculation you speak of, rather than want a Son and Heir. Grub, Nay ' there thou are i'th' right on't. For not to be frighted at a hard name, a little common Popular Obloquy, a mere vulgar Error in that point, I remember an old Bard once sweetly Sung. The Trips of Wives how does the World mistake in? The only Injury in Cuckold-making Is where th' unbidden too bold Guests Carouse, Without By'r leave Good Landlord of the House. But helping Friend upon a good Occasion Is only Invitation not Invasion. Stuff. I profess a sweet Distinction! Grub. Besides there's that Reproach and shame of Life, In Childless Husband and unteeming Wife, That t'have that Flaw in Reputation stopped, Nor Families fall for want of being propped, What we can't raise 'tis prudent to adopt. Stuff. Nay sweet Mr. Grub you speak such profound Reason, that I stand the most convinced and most confirmed Convert in the whole world; and cant forbear answering you in a small Rhyme of my own Composition. Oh the Sweet Joys Of Girls and Boys! If my wife's Parsley-bed, I thought could breed 'em! I Swear by Athens Owls and my own Raven, I'd give her Conscience Latitude and Freedom To borrow Cock of Game to help her Craven. Enter Mr. Freeman. Freem. By your sweet Leave Sirs, I come from a very honest Gentleman, who desires to Communicate some small Affairs to your Honourable Society. Dash. An honest Gentleman say you. Freem. Ay, and a learned one too. A man of Sense as well as Honor. Grub. Say you so▪ I'll soon try that. Pray does this Learned Gentleman read our Mercuries? Freem. Ay, and admire 'em too. Grub. Enough Enough, I need no other proofs of his Learning. His Sense and Parts are unquestionable. For as our Brother Bays says of his Play, So we make our Mercury our Touchstone: He that is our Athenian Admirer, gives a sufficient Indication of all the accomplishments both of a Philosopher and a Virtuoso, and Ingenuity needs no fairer a Test. Freem. Nay, if that can accomplish him for an Ingenioso, he is not only your Admirer but your Champion too. Squirt. Our Champion! worthy Sir? Freem. Yes Sir you'll find him in the first Column of your Mercury of the 9th. of May last, throwing down a small gauntlet of his in your quarrel by way of Challenge to an impudent anonymous Adversary of yours. Grub. Oh, I remember that Honourable Friend of ours, subscribed T. W. that sent us the kind Letter in Vindication of a small Couplet of mine in one of our Mercuries, against an Attack of Envy and Ignorance, under the Imputation and Charge of Blasphemy. Freem. I think I Remember the Distich, speaking of the Wind. Man knows not whence it comes nor where it goes. If he that sends it knows, he only knows. Grub. Ay, and some overwise snarlers forsooth, were pleased to Criticise upon that last line as no less than a Blasphemous Reflection upon God's Omniscience, as if he could be Ignorant of a common Natural Cause and Effect. Freem. But my good Friend (not that your greater Abillties wanted so poor an Advocate) I hope, did you right Gentlemen. Grub. O beyond all Expression. For my part I cannot but remember his learned Arguments even with a sort of Veneration. How does he lay our feeble Adversaries upon their Backs? as if every hypothetical Expression (as they foolishly suggest Heaven help their weakness) must imply a Negative. Well but that worthy Gentleman has produced such Arguments and cited such Authority to clear that point as nothing could make a more generous Defence for us, nor more substantial Justification. For Instance, Si Deus est animus nobis ut carmina dicunt, Hic tibi precipue sit pura ment colendus. As if says he either the supposed Heathen Author Cato, or rather the true Christian Author Franciscus de Sta. Clara could be guilty of doubting whither God was a Spirit or no. And in another Instance, Frigida si sit Hiems cur aquae fumant hiemals. As if (continues he) that Famous and memorable Author and Physician Johannes Nubrigensis so renowned in the Reign of Richard the 2d could doubt whither winter was cold or no; because forsooth thus Hypothetically expressed. Freem. But pray Gentlemen by the by are you of my Friends Opinion that Franciscus de Sta. Clara an eminent Christian Monk, in the 12th. Century, was the true Author of those distiches commonly called Sententiae Pueriles, and not the reputed Heathen Moralist Cato. Grub. Ay no doubt on't: I could have resolved you that twice seven Years ago. For those Famous Authors your friend quotes for his Authority viz. Joachim Crinitus, Mr. Ashmole etc. the one that asserts it in his Dissertationes de Crit. fid. Christ. and the other in his Chymia Sacra, are both of 'em writers of unquestioned Veracity, and both my particular Closet Friends and Acquaintance. Freem. Then you have read both those Authors? Grub. through and through, pith and marrow, nerve and sinew; as for Joachimus I'll say that for him, I do not believe that there's ever a school casuist of 'em all mootes Points of Conscience like him. Between Friends, I have accommodated myself with many an Answer to some knotty points of Religion in several of our Mercuries, from that very Author. No disparagement, I hope Sir, to borrow from the Learned. Freem. O, fie Sir, disparagement! rather your Glory, Sir, to have that Honourable trust and familiarity with the Keys and Cabinets of such venerable Antiquity. Grub. As for Mr. Ashmole, that more modern English Pen, I am of opinion that nothing has made so Elaborate an Extraction of the quintessence and spirit of Divinity as his Chymia Sacra have done. Squirt. Nay now you talk of Your Two learned Mephistophilos and Familiars, pray let me thrust in one word of my particular Closet-Mate and Croney too, the worthy Joannes Nubrigensis, I assure you Sir I have so much Reason to be deep in his Books, that I can vouch that for the Honour of old Richard the 2d's days, that that very Esculapius of never dying Memory, was the Original Founder of my Tetrachymagogon. Not but I have built and improved upon his Basis. And not but a young Cook may add one corn of salt, and one grain of spice to an old standing Pie, But in short the Original Dish is all his own, and possibly 'tis no small feather in my Cap that the Care and Industry of my Ancestors, have preserved that golden Arcanum hallowed and inviolable for so many successive Ages, and lodged it wholly and solely in my hands. Freem. Lord, what Universal Learning must You Athenians have; such prodigious deep-read Men, that no Art nor Mystery, Depth nor Shallow, Writer or Author comes amiss to you. Dash. Nay Sir, that we must say for our Society, that we are (take us together) the whole Bodlaean of Learning, Universal, as you well observe, being the very Crest of our Scutcheon. Or what would our undertaking signify else? Freem. Well Gentlemen but after all your wondrous Universality, what if this Joachimus and this Ashmole and this Nubrigensis, should be as errand Romance as Tom Thumb in Folio, neither any such Men nor any such Authors in the whole Universe, a mere non ens, no such thing as his Dissertationes, nor tother's Chymia in Rerum natura. Grub. How! what's that you say? Freem. Nothing but dounright Truth honest Grub of Grub-street-hall, and so the honest Gentleman, that sent you that Vindication, prayed me to tell you. Grub. Abused, bantered, and ridiculed! Freem. Even so. Neither better nor worse. As for the poor Heathen Philosopher Cato, we must do him Justice and unchristen his Distiches and e'en restore them to their true Daddy; and your 12th. Century man dé Stâ. Clarâ modestly draw of, notwithstanding the unquestioned Veracity of your intimate Closet Friends and Acquaintance, sweet Mr. Grub. 'Tis true, as to little Jeryes old Croney honest Johannes Nubrigensis alias Jack of Newberry: That famous Esculapius, might undoubtedly be the true Founder of his Tetrachymagogon, if I mistake not, it being a Receipt of an old Granneys, one of jack's Newberry spinsters, found in a corner of an old Cupboard of the reverend Gentlemomans, together with an old Ruff and an Aquae-Vitae bottle, and some other venerable Relics of Antiquity. Squirt. Well! pray Sir go on. Freem. Nay if you like it, you're hearty welcome to it. Dash. And so, Sir— as you were saying.— Freem. Why Sirs, if those Bodlean Headpeices of Yours, your deep Athenian Universality, instead of your Boasted Antiquity-Wisdom, had had Learning enough to have read but the History of Yesterday, you might have learned that the famous Franciscus de Stâ. Clarâ, instead of a 12th. Century man was a late Somerset house Brother, a modern Babylonish Controversy Scribbler (posibly living to this day,) and answered by Dr. Stillingfleet. But pardon the notorious grossness of the Banter, my kind Friend your generous Vindicator, knew the depth of your Athenian swallow and digestion, and therefore not suspecting any danger of a Discovery, he prepared his shame accordingly. Grub. Then belike all that Gentleman's Vindication in clearing our Aspersion of Blasphemy, both his Authors and Quotations were all a downright Ridicule upon us. Freem. Yea veryly Reverend Mr. Chairman. Squirt. And we have returned him that grateful and pubick Acknowledgement for just nothing? Freem. Even so Mr. Squirt. For had you had but three grains of your own Tetrachymagogon in your head, you might easily have perceived that all his pretended Arguments in your defence only burlesqued upon you. For what Analogy is there between your hypothetical [If] and Cato's? Si Deus est Animus. Is there an absolute Affirmative? and might as well have been Deus est animus: As God is a Spirit he ought to be worshipped, etc. And so Frigida si sit Hiems might have been Frigida cum sit Hiems. Since winter is cold, etc. But your [If] in the Devil's name. If God that sends it knows, he only knows, is a gross a Reflection upon God's Omniscience, as that Vindication is upon your Athenian Ignorance. And this my worthy Friend Commissioned me to to tell you, and so far ye well most Learned Sons of Athens. Squirt. Nay stay a little Sir one word before you go Death; if he carries it off thus we are undone. [aside to Grub. Dash. Nay never was such a slur put upon us; that's certain. Grub. Let me alone to bring it off again. You shall see aside. what my front can do. Now dear Impudence assist me. aside. Well Sir you have trolld it on at a high rate. You think you have smitten us hip and Thigh, I warrant you. Freem. Only some small Trophy Sir not much worth our Boasting. Grub. Not much worth it indeed. For to give the Gentleman our shame Friend and the whole world satisfaction in this matter, and clear our Society from the grinning Triumph you think you have got on us, you shall hear the whole Case examined and stated, and our whole wounded Reputation as fairly salved and repaired to the utter Confusion of all our laughing Enemies. Freem. Say you so Sir? Grub. Pray Brother Squirt who writ that Mercury of the 9th. of May? Squirt. E'en your own sweet self Mr. Grub. For for my part I had no hand in it, for I happened at that time to be some miles out of Town upon a very important medicinal Operation, no less than attending a Patient of Quality, being indeed sent for in a Coach and Four, to cure an old Lady of the Piles. Dash. Nay and I had no hand in't neither, for I happened too to be called aside as far as Hounslow upon a very considerable Mathematic Affair no less than surveying a Turnip Field and a Crabtree Orchard. Grub. Do you hear this Sir. Freem. Ay Sir and what then? Grub. Only mark the winding up of the Bottom. So in fine Brother Athenians I my single individual self was left in Town and consequently my own numerical pen writ and Composed that particular Mercury. Squirt. Only your own single Minerva I assure you. Grub. Look you there Sir— pray what may I call your name? Freem. Ned Freeman. Grub. Then Mr. Freeman did not I tell you I should clear our Athenian Reputation, and can any thing to our immortally righted Honour be made out plainer. Was not that Mercury a pure By-brat of mine? Was it compiled any otherwise then raptim as I may so say? Was it concerted or discussed in a full Athenian Consistory? No Sir, 'twas only a private ship of my own. And as such, the whole Society stands fair and unblemished. For look you Sir we pretend not to Infallibility Ex Cathedra. As men or so, in our several private Capacities we may have our oversights and Fayling; but as the whole Body of Athenians, in full Sanedrim, in General Council assembled, we defy the whole world to overreach us, or less than Divinity and Oracle to slip from us. Freem. Gadamercy old Grub. Grub. Pray Sir you may e'en return as wise as you came, and pray bid your Friend your dear Sir Poll make the best of his Joachimus and his Nubrigensis, for any hurt he or they can do us, and so pray give him our Societies hearty humble service; and so we kiss your fair hand. Freem. Nay Grub, thou hast won it fairly now. I shall return as you say as wise as I came, and leave your Athenian Reverences no wiser than I found you. Oh sons of Athens what you want in sense, How nobly you make up— Grub. In Impudence. You see we understand you both in prose and Verse, and to answer you in another farewell Rhyme of mine, Think not the world shall Grubs bold Genius fright, Athens will write; not all our Foes Proud spite Shall ever check our great Herculean Labours; But we'll drive on Eternal paper daubers. Ex. Freem. Spuirt. Well Brother Grub, thou hast carried it off with a high hand, and bore up very magisterially. But for all this our Society was never so ruffled before. Dash. Joachimus and Nubrigensis! a pox of our Universality? I declare we were never so Floundered in all our lives. Grub. Pshaw! many such a dry Bob must we expect, if we writ Mercury's. But hang it, I am for copying my Friend Maximin. Laugh and divert it with some other Thought. But let our Fleering Adversaries make their best on't At least 'twill be but a poor Nine-days wonder, To catch us Tripping in one blind-side Blunder. Enter Poll. Poll. Gentlemen here, s Dorothy Tickleteat the Islinghton Milkmaid presents her humble service to you, and desires your Acceptance of a Dish of Cream, and withal beseeches the favour of a word with your Honours. Dash. Oh by all means admit her. Squirt. Ay Landlord pray hand her in civility. Exit Poll. Grub. A dish of Cream! I profess a Right Noble Patroness, and the least we can do, is to dedicate our next Volume of Mercuries to her. Enter Poll leading Dorothy. Grub. Madam Dorothy— Dor. Madam Dorothy! Indeed Sir that's too much, plain Mrs. Dorothy will serve my turn. Squirt. Then dear Mrs. Dorothy, we are all extremely obliged to your pretty sweetness for this extraordinary Favour. Dor. Nay I vow Sir, you make me blush. Grub. And the whole Society must acknowledge your Generous Noble present. Dor. Only a few Stroke; but and shall please you, 'tis all Red-Cows. But indeed I am a great deal more in your Debt then this comes to, and that you shall know May-day next when my veils comes in. Dash. Oh fie Mrs. Dorothy, let us deserve this favour first. Dor. Deserve it! By my troth that you have done double and triple long ago: For really Gentlemen you have answered my Question so Scholard like, and I have taken your Advise and useed a black-lead Comb ever since. 'Tis true if I go out a little too early in the morning the Dew is so apt to wash it off again; but no matter, when I dress in my Top knot of a Sunddy, I make myself as fair a Brown Foretop as ever a girl in the Parish. Grub. Sweet Mrs. Dorothy, we are very happy and no less proud to serve you. But indeed 'tis the Business and study of this honourable Society to oblige all mankind. Only the World is a little ungrateful and does not reward us as we deserve. Dor. Lord what pity that is. Grub. No Mrs. Dorothy, we have not such generous Masters and Mistresses as Mrs. Dorothy Tickleteat every day. Such favours are not common Blessings as the hard world goes. Dor. Nay Sirs I scorn to forget my Friends I have received a great deal of Comfort from you; for by following your Learned Advise and mending some small faults in my Complexion, in grace of God I have got me a good Husband; for this day Seven-night I am to be Married. Squirt. Nay, that's a happiness indeed. Dor. But truly Gentlemen I have one unhappy Infirmity more and if that be'nt mended too, I cannot tell what shift in the world to make. I vow 'tis enough to spoil my wedlock. Grub. Is there any thing in our power to help you, sweet Mrs. Dorothy? Dor. Lord Sir, what is it is not in your power? Oh Gentlemen do me but this one kindness more, and I am a made woman for ever. Dassh Oh sweet Mrs. use us, and command us. Dor. I vow you are so strangely obliging.— Squirt. But come, what is this other Infirmity? Dor. I protest Gentlemen 'tis such a paw thing, and I am so ashamed to tell you. Squirt. Hang modesty, you must never be bashful before us. You must throw open your secrets to your physicians as you would your Arms to your Sweetheart, there is no health to be got without one, any more than Love without the other. Dor. But I vow Sir I shall so blush— Dash. What within a week of matrimony and blush still; oh fie. Come pluck a good heart up and out with it. Dor. Well if you'll let me whisper Mr. Squirt in the ear, he is a piece of a man midwife, I think I saw him at Joan Dirtypugs Labour; and I dare venture to tell him. Squirt. With all my heart. Dor. and Squirt whisper. Grub. Well, would we had done with her once, for I long to be at her Cream pot. aside to Dash. Dash. Well Brother how do you find her Question? Squirt. Why Radical, Brother. In plain English; an over Affluence of Humidity. She's troubled with a Lax in her Aquaduct, a want of Retention in her Vretors. Dor. Lord what a sweet thing is Learning. Squirt. And is this all your Grievance? never fear Mrs. we'll cure you, my Life for yours. Dor. Will you indeed sweet Sir— I protest 'twill be the greatest piece of Charity that ever you did a poor Virgin in your whole Life. Alas Sir it comes sometimes upon me so violently both sleeping and waking; and if I should lie by the side of a man with it, 'ttwere enough to lose his Affections for ever, and make me the miserablest Creature living. Besides it has been so melancholy a thought to me to have a good thing so spoilt— Squirt. Well, Child, thou shalt take some of my Tetrachymagogon, 'twill cost thee but half a Crown a Bottle— Dor. Oh Sir I'll spare no cost. Squirt. And with some other Restringents I'll help thee to, I'll turn the Tide I'll warrant thee. Squirt. Stop all Leaks, Girl. Dor. And be sure to make me— Squirt. As close as a Corked Bottle, Child— Dor. And lie all the live long Night— Squirt. Seven and Seven Years, Chicken— Dor. A cleanly tyte Bed fellow. Squirt. As a sucking pullet, dear fubby— Dor. Well I vow Gentlemen you are the sweetest Society in Kent or Christendom. But pray Mr. Doctor, where do you dwell, that I may call upon you for all these fine things with the hard names. Squirt. At the sign of the clyster pipe. Dor. What, in Ticklehole Alley. And pray when will you be at home? Squirt. Within this half hour, Child. Dor. Well, I'll certainly wait upon you. In the mean while pray accept of a quart of Strawberryes to your Cream— Squirt. O fie Mrs. Dorothy— Dor. Nay I vow Sir but you shall. [forces a shilling into his hand. and so for one little short, long half hour dear Dr. farewell. Exit. Dash. What Strawberryes to our Cream too. This is good fortune indeed. But Mr. Squirt, you have killed two Birds with one stone; answered a question and got a patiented too. Squirt. Ay, Brother, and a good shift too. These by-Jobs are the best of our Game, I am sure the Society would hardly buy us porridge without it. Grub. Nay my Brother Squirt's in the right for that. Do you think I have answered so many Rhyming Love Questions in our Mercuries for the mere Lechery of Poetry, or the Lucre of the poor penny Mr. Stuff can afford me for 'em? No, faith I have a deeper reach in my Athenian Politics. For let me tell you 'tis not less than twenty (and twenty to that) kind Couples that I have Exercised my Sacerdotal Function on, upon no other Recommendation than my being so true a Love Advocate, and so good a Friend to the Mathematics, and got good Yellow Boys, and good Sack Possets into the Bargain. Dash. But I vow I was mightily pleased with my Brother Squirt for tickling up dear Dorothy so sweetly, and hitting her humour so to a hair. Grub. Oh that we much all do if we hope to thrive in this world. I would not give a Groat for him that can't tickle all fancies. For Instance when I Courted my Non Cons Daughter, do you think I came to her in my terrible Tantivy Gown, with a pair of dreadful Pudding Sleeves, and attacked her in high flown Orthodox? Death! that had been enough to have frighted the whole family. No no Sir, I prudently and wisely uncased, came in querpo, and wooed and wedded her de froquè. Enter Poll in haste. Poll. Oh Gentlemen Treason, Treason, Treason! Grub. Ha! what's the matter man? Poll. Plot and Conspiracy! Gentlemen. A parcel of rude Roisters not having the fear of Helicon before their eyes, but in open Rebellion against your Athenian Throne and Dignity, are breaking in upon us Vi et Armis, Gentlemen. Squirt. Moustrum Horrendum! Enter Freeman, Hardy and some other Gentlemen. Har. Where are these doughty wit Jobbers; these high and mighty Mercury foysters! Grub. Oh Gentlemen, have a care what you do. If you offer any Violence here, we'll have you Indicted for Sacrilege and Murder, for committing Burglary upon the Pantheon of Apollo, and the wicked and wilful Effusion of humane Learning. Squirt. Ay Gentlemen, downright Felons and Murderers. Freem. Felons and Murderers, Mr. Close stool raker? No, Sirrah, Beadles and Scavingers, for taking up of Strays and Vagrants, and sweeping out the Rubbish of the Nation. And so march coundrells, troop Vermin. Stuff. You'd best to have a care what you do. I'll stand by my Athenians as far as a Thousand Pound goes. For I'd have you to know I am a Citizen and Livery man of— Hard. Horne-fair and Cuckolds-Haven, Coxcomb. Dash. O Gentlemen, we are the Sons of Helicon. Freem. Sons of Paddington? kicking 'em down stairs. Squirt. The Flower of Athens and Greece. Hard. Of Gosselins and Geese— Grub. Apollo, Minerva, Mercury— Help, help, help. Exeunt Athenians in great precipitation. Freem. Well e'en farewell the Helicon water Rats, Adieu at once the Daddyes and the Bats. And now of Athens too long Persecution Let's hope to see that hearty Dissolution, An End of tiresome Ribbaldryes long sorrow; And have a Reign of English sense to morrow. Exeunt Omnes. FINIS.