SEVERAL Weighty Queries Concerning Heraclitus and the Observator, IN A DIALOGUE BETWIXT Timothy the Corn-Cutter and Mr. Scruple.  Timothy. 
MR. Scruple, Mr. Scruple, whither in such haste, what's that you have got under your Arm in that Green Bag there?  Mr. Scruple. 
Only a few Queries, or Cases of Conscience, that have stuck so in my Throat these three days, I could get nothing down for 'em; and I'll take my Oath, I believe I have tumbled over all Bishop Hall's Cases, Bishop Sanderson, Doctor Hammond, besides abundance of Foreign Casuists, and yet not one of 'em touches upon any one particular Case of mine.  Timothy. 
Why prithee, what are they? let's see 'um.  Mr. Scruple. 
Why Sir, first,  
(1.) Whether Heraclitus be a Man or a Woman (as one notably suggested the other day) he rails so much like a Billingsgate scold.  
(2.) Whether he be one individual Animal, or that several Club to the production of this Monster, every one spitting his Venom till the Bags full; as once upon a time, all the Gods met and Pissed in an Ox's Hide, for the making that huge Fellow Orion?  Tim. 
Why, a'y they say, there's Lawyers, Divines, Brewers-Clerks, and the Devil an all concerned in the spawning of that Pamphlet.  Mr. Scruple. 
Ah Tim: and thirdly:  
(3.) Whether that do not evidently appear from the variety, and incoherency of the Style, and the Frothiness of it, is not an infallible sign, that it is wrought off in a Tippling House by these Tankard-bearers of Helicon; as they say, the reason of so many Monsters in Africa, proceeds from the drought of the Country, and the flocking of Beasts of different Kind's to one and the same Fountain, and their coupling promiscuously?  
(4.) Whether these Virtuoso's Writ for Bread or Wine?  Tim. 
Why, to my Knowledge, for all their Noise, the poor Rogues are forced to keep more Fast-days than the Church enjoins.  Mr. Scruple. 
(5.) Whether their Raillery and all that be not picked out of Poor Robin, who got an Estate and left off, and their Politics out of Mr. Hobbs of the Civil War, and these stitched together with the Course Thread of T. B's Brain, and the business is done?  
(6.) Whether he of Heraclitus' Gang t'other day deserved to be Hanged or Drowned: who when the Secretary to the Cabal scrupled the putting in a confounded Lie, cried, Damn it, in with it, it will make the whigs stare, and serve to fill up, at the Woman said, when she Pissed into the sea.  
(7.) Whether it were such Geese as these, that saved the Capital.  
(8.) Whether Coleman and the Jesuits waned Fools to these two new Champions, who have set up Protestant English Colours in a Popish Privateer; and under the greatest pretence of zeal for the Church of England have made us lose the scent of the Popish Plot, and instead of that have most wonderfully found out another of their own making? Heraclitus and Observator.  
(9) Whether Heraclitus' gang be Atheists, Jews, Turks, or Infidels?  
(10.) Whether that Elegant Phrase of Greek-speaking, Hickringil T. B. and the tailor's Wife did not call an excellent Joak.  
(11.) Weather this Club, may not one day, come to make a true lover's knot at Tyburn.  Tim. 
But pray proceed to the Observator.  Mr. Scruple, 
(1.) Whether he had not like to have said his Prayers under the Gallows.  
(2.) Whether the Observator aught not to be kept from Pen, Ink, and Paper, as Madmen, are from Knives and Scissors?  
(3.) Whether the Observator has not the Throat and Stomach of an Ostrich; he can swallow and digist such woundy hard lies, and whether any thing can ever Choack him but a Roap?  Tim. 
Ha', ha', ha', that's as pretty a Quere, as Jack Catch put to one tother day, whether he might with a safe Conscience let College Blood this hot weather, or no?  Mr. Scruple, 
(4.) Whether the Observator be not a compendium of Law and Politics.  Tim. 
Why I'll tell you what, I heard a fellow say, that he had rather hear the Observater read once, than Baxter Preach 16 times; and another of my acquaintatce was so far transported with the spirit of Toryism, that he said, he never desired any more than 3 Books in his Family; the Bible, Whole Duty of Man, and the Observator: Our Churchwarden never goes to Church without one in his Pocket, partly as an Antidote against Whiggism, but chief to read if the Ministers should chance to be Dull. Besides, I've heard, that several Ministers of State beyond Sea, have them always conveyed to 'em, by which, as by the Weatherglass, they know whether it will be Foul or Fair Wether in England.  
Why a'my Conscience, they are of as much use to the Nation as the Coco Nut is to the Indians, or the Palmtree to the Aegyptains; of the Branches they make Bedsteds, of the Leaves, Fans: Here you have all Law Points discoursed, your rattling Metaphors, your Gingerbread simileis, your Concise and Flored Fetches, and Reportees, and as good English Divinity as is to be found in St. Augustine's, and for Flashy Wit, I'd turn Towzer lose to any Whelp in Christendom; why, as I live and breath, it makes a man fit for any company.  Mr. Scruple, 
But hold, good Tim. a word with you:  
(5.) Whether these Vomitings of the Observator, which he is troubled with twice a Week, do not argue him in a desperate condition?  
(6.) Whether Heraclitus and the Observator that Work and Drudge in the Popish Mines, wont have least of the Oar?  
(7.) Whether if Heraclitus and the Observator, should meet Lucian and Hobbs, in the other World, they would not shake hands together?  
(8.) Whether that story be true, that the Observator is so intoxicated with his late present out of Cambridge Shire, that he is going to bind up all his sheets in Super Royal Paper and present them; and that they are to stand next to Dr. Heylins' History of Presbytery,  
(9) Whether Sed. Col. Camb: by sending the Observator into the World, have yet fully atoned for Oliver Cromwell who had his education there?  
But honest Tim. I am in haste, and so are you, Farewell.   

LONDON, Printed for Matthew Burdid, 1681.