THE Sullen Lovers: OR, THE IMPERTINENTS.  
A Comedy Acted by his Highness the Duke of YORK'S Servants.  
Written by THO. SHADWELL.  
Num satis est dixisse, Ego ●ira 〈…〉,  
Occupet extremum scabies, mihi t●rp● 〈◊〉 est,  
Et quod non didici san● nescire fateri.  Hor. de Art. Poet. 
In the SAVOY, Printed for Henry Herringman at the Sign of the Anchor in the Lower-Walk of the New 〈◊〉. 1668.   

TO The thrice Noble, High and 〈◊〉 Prince WILLIAM, Duke, Marquess, and Earl of Newcastle, Earl of 〈…〉 Mansfield, Bason of 〈◊〉, of ●gle, of Bertram, B●thall, and Hepple, Gentleman of His Majesty's Bedchamber, One of His Majesty's most honourable Privy Council, Knight of the most noble Order of the Garter, His Majesty's Lieutenant of the County and Town of Nottingham, and Justice in Eyre, Trent North, etc.  
May it please your Grace,  
HAd I no particular Obligations to ●rg● me, yet my own Inclinations would prompt me not only to dedicate this to you, but myself to your Grace's service: Since you have so much obliged your Country both by your Courage, and your Wit, that all men who pret●●● either to Sword, or Pen, aught to shelter themselves under your Grace's Protection: Those Excellencies, as well▪ as the great Obligations I have had the honour to receive from your Grace, are the occasion of this Dedication: And I doubt not, but that Generosity wherewith your Grace has always succour'd the afflicted, will make you willing (by suffering me to use the honour of your name) to rescue this from the bloody hands of the Critics, who will not dare to use it roughly, when they see your Grace's name in the beginning, that being a stamp sufficient to render it true Coin, though it be adulterate. That authority that makes you able, and that great Goodness that makes you willing to protect all your servants, may give you frequent troubles of this nature, but I hope your Grace will be pleased to pardon them when they come from  
London, Sept. 1, 1668. My Lord, Your Graces Most obliged humble servant, Tho. Shadwell.   

PREFACE.  
Reader,  
THe success, of this Play, as it was much more than it deserved, so was much more than I expected: Especially in this very Critical age, when every man pretends to be a Judge, and some, that never read Three Plays in their lives, and never understood one, are as positive in their Judgement of Plays, as if they were all johnson's. But had I been used with all the severity imaginable, I should patiently have submitted to my Fate; not like the rejected Authors of our time, who when their▪ Plays are damned, will strut, and huff it out, and laugh at the Ignorance of the Age: Or like some other of our Modern 〈◊〉 that declare they are resolved to justify their Plays with their Swords (though perhaps their Courage is as little as their Wi●● such as peep through their loopholes in the Theatre, to see who looks grum upon their Plays: and if they spy a Gentle Squire making Faces, he poor soul must be Hectored till he likes 'em, while the more stubborn Bully-Rock damm's, and is safe: 〈…〉 in 〈◊〉 choice of 〈…〉 had 〈◊〉 pretend they cannot 〈…〉 will 〈◊〉, and look big upon the success of an ill play 〈◊〉 full of Songs and Dances, (which have that constraint upon 'em too, that they seldom seem to come in willingly;) When in such Plays the Composer and the Dancing-Master are the best Poets, and yet the unmerciful Scribbler would rob the● of all the Honour.  
I am so far from valuing myself (as 〈…〉) upon this Play, that perhaps no man is a 〈…〉 of it then myself; yet if any thing 〈…〉 made me proud of it, It would have 〈…〉 Favour and Countenance it received from His Majesty and their Royal Highnesses.  
But I could not persuade myself that they were so favourable to the Play for the Merit of it, but out of a Princely Generosity, to encourage a young●beginner, that did what he could to please them, and that otherwise might have been balk'd for ever: 'Tis to this I owe the success of the Play, and am as far from presumption of my own merits in it, as one ought to be who receives an Alms.  
The first hint I received was from the report of a Play of Molieres of three Acts, called Les Fasch●●x▪ upon which I wrote a great part of this before I read that; And after it came to my hands, I found so little for my use (having before upon that hint designed the 〈…〉 I have made use of but two short 〈◊〉 (Viz▪) the first Scene in the Second Act between Stafford and mm, and Molier's story of Piquette, which I have translated into Back-gammon, both of them so varied you would not know them. But I freely confess my Theft, and am ashamed on't, though I have the example of some that never yet wrote Play without stealing most of it; And (like Men that lie so long▪ till they believe themselves) at length, by continual▪ Thieving, reckon their stolen goods their own too▪ which is so ignoble a thing, that I cannot but believe that he that makes a common practice of stealing other men's Wit, would, if he could, with the same safety steal any thing else.  
I have in this Play, as near as I could, observed the three Unities, of Time, Place, and Action; The time of the Drama does not exceed six hours, the place is in a very narrow Compass, and the Main-Action of the Play, upon which all the rest depend, is the Sullen-Love betwixt Stanford and Emilia, which kind of love is only proper to their Characters: I have here, as often as I could naturally, kept the Scenes unbroken, which (though it be not so much practised, or so well understood, by the English) yet among the French-Poets is accounted a great Beauty; but after these frivolous excuses the want of design in the Play has been objected against me; which fault (though I may endeavour a little to extenuate) I dare not absolutely deny: I conceive, with all submission to better Judgements, that no man ought to expect such Intrigues in the little actions of Comedy, as are required in Plays of a higher Nature: but in Plays of Humour, where there are so many Characters as there are in this, there is yet less design to be expected: for, if after I had formed three or four forward prating Fops in the Play, I had made it full of Plott, and Business; at the latter end, where the turns aught to be many, and suddenly following one another, I must have let fall the humour, which I thought would be pleasanter than Intrigues could have been without it; and it would have been easier to me to have made a Plot then to hold up the Humour.  
Another Objection, that has been made by some, is, that there is the same thing over and over: which I do not apprehend, unless they blame the unity of the action, yet Horace de Arte Poetica, says, Sit quod vis, simplex duntaxat, & unum. Or whether it be the carrying on of the humours to the last, which the same Author directs me to do. 
Si quid inexpertum Scenae committis, & audes  
Personam formare novam, Ser●et●● ad Imu●●  
Qualis ab incepto processerit, & sibi constet.   
I have endeavour'd to represent variety of Humours (most of the persons of the Play differing in their Characters from one another) which was the practice of Ben johnson, whom I think all Dramatic Poets ought to imitate, though none are like to come near; he being the only person that appears to me to have made perfect Representations of Humane Life: most other Authors that I ever read, either have wild Romantic Tales, wherein they strain Love and Honour to that Ridiculous height, that it becomes Burlesque: or in their lower Comedies content themselves with one or two Humours at most, and those not near so perfect Characters as the admirable johnson always made, who never wrote Comedy without seven or eight considerable Humours. I never saw one except that of Falstaff that was in my judgement comparable to any of Johnson's considerable Humours: You will pardon this digression when I tell you he is the man, of all the World, I most passionately admire for his Excellency in Dramatic- Poetry.  
Though I have known some of late so Insolent to say, that Ben johnson wrote his best Plays without Wit; imagining, that all the Wit in Plays consisted in bringing two persons upon the Stage to break Jests, and to bob one another, which they call Repartie, not considering that there is more wit and invention required in the finding out good Humor, and Matter 〈…〉 reparties. For, 〈…〉 of a Humour, ● Man is confined not to 〈◊〉 from the Character, and obliged to say nothing but what is proper to it: but in the Plays which have been 〈◊〉 of late, there is no such thing as perfect Character, but the two chief persons are most commonly a Swearing, Drinking, Whoring, Ruffian for a Lover, and an impudent ill-bred tonirig for a Mistress, and these are the fine people of the Play; and there is that Latitude in this, that almost any thing is proper for them to say; but their chief Subject is bawdy, and profaneness, which they call brisk writing, when the most dissolute of Men, that relish those things well enough in private, are choked at 'em in public: and, methinks, if there were nothing but the ill Manners of it, it should make Poets avoid that Indecent way of Writing.  
But, perhaps you may think me as impertinent as any one I represent; that, having so many faults of my own, should take the liberty to Judge of others, to impeach my fellow criminals: I must confess it is very ungenerous to accuse those that modestly confess their own Errors; but positive men, that Justify all their faults, are Common Enemies, that no man ought to spare, prejudicial to all Societies they live in, destructive to all Communication, always endeavouring Magisterially to impose upon our understandings, against the Freedom of Mankind: These ought no more to be 〈◊〉 amongst us, then wild beasts: for no corrections that can be laid upon 'em are of power to reform 'em; and certainly it was a positive Fool that Solomon spoke of, when he said, bray him in a Mortar, and yet he will retain his folly.  
But I have troubled you too long with this Discourse, and am to ask your pardon for it, and the many faults you will find in the Play; and beg you will believe, that whatever I have said of it, was intended not in Justification, but Excuse of it: Look upon it, as it really was, wrote in haste, by a Young Writer, and you will easily pardon it; especially when you know that the best of our Dramatic Writers have wrote very ill Plays at first, nay some of 'em have wrote several before they could get one to be Acted; and their best Plays were made wi●● great expense of labour and time. Nor can you expect a very Correct Play, under a Years pains at the least, from the Wittiest Man of the Nation; It is so difficult a thing to write well in this kind. Men of quality, that write for their pleasure, will not trouble themselves with exactness in their Plays; and those, that write for profit, would find too little encouragement for so much pains as a correct Play would require.  
Vale. Tho: Shadvell   

Prologue.  
HOw popular are Poets now a days?  
Who can more Men at their first summons raised,  
Then many a wealthy homebred Gentleman,  
By all his interest in his Country can.  
They raise their friends, but in one day arise  
'Gainst one poor Poet, all these Enemies:  
For so he has observed you always are,  
And against all that write maintain a Warr.  
What shall he give you composition now?  
Alas, he knows not what you will allow.  
He has no cautionary-Song, nor Dance,  
That might the Treaty of his Peace advance.  
No kind Romantic Lovers in his Play,  
To sigh and whine out passion, such as may  
Charm Waitingwomen with Heroic Chime,  
And still resolve to live and die in Rhyme;  
Such as your ears with Love, and Honour feast,  
And play at Crambo for three hours at least:  
That Fight, and woo in Verse in the same breath,  
And make Similitudes, and Love in Death:  
— But if you love a fool, he bid me say,  
He has great choice to show you in his Play;  
(To do you service) I am one to day.  
Well Gallant, 'tis his first, Faith, let it go,  
Just as old Gamesters by young Bubbles do:  
This first and smaller Stake let him but win,  
And for a greater Sum you'll draw him in,  
Or use our Poet, as you would a Hare,  
Which when she's hunted down, for Sport you spare.  
At length take up, and, damn no more for shame,  
For if you only at the quarry aim,  
This Critic poaching, will destroy your Game.   


dramatis PERSONAE.  
Stanford,— A Morose Melancholy Man, tormented beyond Measure with the Impertinence of People, and resolved to leave the World to be quit of them.  
Lovel,— An Eyrie young Gentleman, friend to Stafford, one that is pleased with, an●●aughs 〈◊〉 the Impertinents, and that which is the other's torment, is his recreation.  
Sir Positive At-all, A foolish Knight, that pretends to understand every thing in the world, and will suffer no man to understand any thing in his Company; so foolishly Positive, that he will never be convinced of an Error, though never so gross—  
Ninnie,— A conceited Poet, always troubling men with impertinent Discourses of Poetry, and the repetition of his own Verses; in all his Discourse he uses such affected Words, that 'tis as bad as the Canting of a Gipsy.  
Woodcock— A Familiar loving Coxcomb, that embraces and kisses all men: so used to his Familiar endearing expressions, that he cannot forbear▪ them in the midst of his Anger.  
Huff,— An impudent Cowardly Hector that torments Stafford with coming to borrow Money, and 〈◊〉 beaten by him.  
Roger,— Stanfords Man.  
Father,— To Emilia and Carolina▪  
Country Gent,— A Grave ill-bred Coxcomb, that never speaks without a Proverb.  
Tim. Scribble,— jacob Dash,— Two Justices Clerks.  
Emilia,— Of the same Humour with Stanford.  
Carolina,— Of the same Humour with Lovel.  
Lady Vain,— A Whore, that takes upon her the name of a Lady, very talkative and impertinently affected in her Language, always pretending to Virtue and Honour.  
Luce,— Emilia 's Maid.  
Bridget,— Lady Veins Maid.  
Sergeant, with a File of Musquetiers, Waiters, Fiddlers, etc.   The place of the SCENE LONDON. The Time, In the Month of March, 1667/8.  

THE Sullen Lovers: OR, THE IMPERTINENTS.  

ACT. I.  Enter Stanford and Roger his Man. Stanf. 
IN what Unlucky Minute was I born,  
To be tormented thus where ere I go?  
What an Impertinent age is this we live in  
When all the World is grown so troublesome,  
That I should envy him that spends his days  
In some remote▪ and unfrequented Place,  
With none but Bears and Wolves for his Companions,  
And never see's the folly of Mankind.  Rog. 
Good Sir be patient, let it not disturb you,  Stanford. 
Patient—  
Thou may'st as well teach patience to a man  
That has a fit o'th' Colic or the Stone,  Lov. 
What in a fit again Stanford? now art  enter Lovel. 
Thou as moody as a Poet after his Play is Damned.  Stanf. 
Oh Lovel,  Exit Roger. 
I am tormented so beyond my patience  
I am resolved to quit the World, and find  
Some Uninhabited place far from Converse,  
Where I may live as free as Nature made me.  Lov. 
Why this is down right Madness,  
Prithee send for a Chirurgeon and open a Vein,  
Try what that will do; for thou wilt be as  
Ripe for Bedlam else as a Fanatic.  Stanf. 
What would you have me do?  
Where e'er I turn me I am baited still  
By some importunate fool's that use me Worse,  
Then Boys do Cocks upon Shrove-Tuesday;  
This makes my life so tedious and unpleasant,  
That rather than endure it longer I'll find out  
Some place in the West-Indies, where I may  
See a Man no oftener than a Blazing-Star.  Lov. 
Why thou wilt come to be bound in thy Bed Stanford:  
‛ Thank Heaven I find nothing makes me Weary of  
My life, thou art scandalous; Why dost thou abuse  
This Age so? me thinks, it's as pretty an Honest  
Drinking-whoring Age as a man would wish to  
Live in.  Stanf. 
Sure, Lovel, thou were't born without a Gaul,  
Or bear'st thy anger like a Useless thing,  
That canst endure to live among such Fools,  
As we are every Day Condemned to see.  Lov. 
where's the trouble?  Stanf. 
Sure thou art Insensible, or thou wouldst not ask me,  
I am more restless than the Man that has  
A Raging Favour on him; and like him,  
I change my place, thinking to ease myself; But find  
That which should lessen does increase my pain.  Lov. 
As how Sir?  Stanf. 
Could any man have borne but yesterday impertinence?  Lov▪ 
What was that, for I have not seen you since.  Stanf. 
In the morning,  
Coming abroad to find you out, (the only Friend  
With whom I can enjoy myself) comes in a brisk  
Gay Coxcomb of the Town— O Lord, Sir, (says he)  
I am glad I've taken you within, I came on purpose  
To tell you the news, d'ye hear it? then might I  
Reasonably expect to hear of some great Intrigue or  
Other; At the least that the Kings of France and Spain  
Were agreed— Then after he had bid me guests  
Four or five times, with a great deal of amazement  
Says he: Jack-Scatterbrain comes in with ten Guinny's  
Last night into the Groom-porters, and  
Carried away 200, and then Teazed me  
Half an Hour, to tell me all his Throws.  Lov. 
Now, should I have been pleased with this.  Stanf. 
You make me Mad to hear you say so.  Lov. 
If you are Weary of one Company, why don't  
You try another? and vary your Companions as often  
As your Young-Gallants do their Mistresses, or  
The Well-bred-ladies their Servants.  Stanf. 
Where e'er I go I meet the same affliction: If I go  
Into the City, there I find a Company of Fellows  
Selling of their Souls for twopence in the Shilling  
Profit.  Lovel. 
You are too Satirical.—  Stanf. 
Besides, I find the very fools I avoid at this  
End of the Town, come thither, some to take  
Up Money at Ten in the hundred, what with  
Interest and Brokage, as they call it; others to take  
Up Commodities upon Tick, which they sell at half  
Value for ready Money, and these Inhuman Rascals  
I'th' very midst of all their business will fix upon  
Me, and I am more Barbarously used by 'em, than a  
New-Poet by a Knot of Critics.  Lov. 
So Sir! go on with your Relation.  Stanf. 
The other day, being tired almost to death with the  
Impertinence of Fops that importuned me;  
For Variety, I ventured into a Coffee-house;  
There I found a Company of formal Starch'd-Fellows  
Talking Gravely, Wisely, and nothing to the purpose;  
And with undaunted Impudence discoursing of the  
Right of Empires; the Mannagement of Peace and War;  
And the great Intrigues of Councils; when o'my  
Conscience you would have sooner took 'em for  
Tooth-Drawers than Privy-Counsellors.  Lov. 
But why don't you make this  
Pleasant to yourself, and Laugh at 'em as I do?  Stanf. 
'Faith Sir, I cannot find the Jest on't.  Lov. 
Yet methinks however this should not make me  
Uneasy to myself.  Stanf. 
Sure, Lovel, you have patience more than ever Stoic had; This damned Impertinence makes me resolved to fly my Country; I can never find one hours' refreshment in a Year: If I go to the Theatre, where all People hope to please themselves; either I find an Insupportable Play; or If a good one, ill acted; or which is worse, so many troublesome Wits buzzing about my Ears, that I am driven from thence too.  Lov. 
If this torments you so, then change the Scene, and  
Go to Court, where Conversation is refined.  Stan. 
Why so I do; but there I find a company of gaudy nothings.  
That feign would be Courtiers; that think they are  
Hardly dealt withal not to have Employment too:  
Besides, when after all my persecutions, I think  
To ease myself at night by sleep, as last night  
About eleven or twelve of Clock; at a solemn  
Funeral the Bells set out: That Men should be  
Such Owls to keep five thousand  
People awake, with Ringing a Peal to him that does not hear it.  Lov. 
But 'tis Generously done, especially since in my  
Conscience they expect no thanks for their Labour,  
Neither from their Dead Friend, nor any one else.  Stanf. 
A Curse upon 'em, this was no sooner passed, but  
About two in the Morning comes the Bellman,  
And in a dismal Tone repeats Worse Rhymes  
Than a Cast Poet of the Nursery can make; after  
Him, come those Rogues that wake People with their  
Barbarous tunes, and upon their Toting  
Instruments make a more Hellish-Noise than they  
Do at a Playhouse, When they flourish for the  
Entrance of Witches.  Lov. 
All this disturbs not me: but if you are troubled  
With this Noise, Why don't you live in the Country,  
There you may be free.  Stanf. 
Free! Yes to be drunk with March-Beer, and Wine, worse than ever was served in at Pie-corner at the eating of Pigs; and hear no other Discourse, but of Horses, Dogs, and Hawks.  Lov. 
I would not be of your uneasy disposition for  
The World: but granting all this: Cannot the  
Women of the Town please you? methinks  
The pretty Devils have Charms enough to keep me  
In the World still without the Danger of being  
Felo-de-se.  Stanf. 
Women! O! name 'em not: They are impertinence  
Itself, I can scarce endure the sight of 'em.  Lov. 
Why thou art stark-mad; 'faith for my part I  
ne'er met with any of the Sex that was kind and  
Pretty, but I could bear with her Impertinence.  Stanf. 
It cannot be.  Lov. 
No! would thou'dst try me: And bring  
Me to a New Woman that's handsome; if I  
Boggled at her Impertinence, may I never have  
Other to help me at my Necessity, than an Oyster  
Wife, or one that cries Ends of Gold and Silver:  
Methinks Beauty and Impertinence do well enough  
Together.  Stanf. 
Sure you railly with me all this while, you cannot  
Be so stupid to think I have not reason in my  
Opinion, but nothing I have ever told you yet  
Has equalled the persecution of this Day.  Lov. 
I know whom that concerns— prithee let me  
Hear't, that I may laugh a little at those  
Monkeys; The Variety of their folly always  
Affords new matter▪  Stanf. 
That it does, to my sad experience; This morning, just as I was coming to look for you, Sir Positive At-all, that Fool; that will let no Man understand any thing in his Company, Arrests me with his Impertinence; says, he, with a great deal of Gravity, perhaps I am the Man of the World that have found out two Plays, that betwixt you and I have a great deal of Wit in 'em; Those are, the Silent Woman, and the Scornful Lady— And if I understand any thing in the World, there's Wit enough, in both those, to make one good Play, if I had the management of 'em: for you must know, this is a thing I have thought upon and considered.  Lov. 
This is the pleasantest thing I ever heard.  Stanf. 
May you have enough on't then if you think so:  
But this was not all, for notwithstanding I  
Granted his Opinion, he forced me to stay an  
Hour to hear his Impertinent Reasons for't;  
But no sooner, by some happy Accident or  
Other, had I got rid of him, but in comes  
That familiar Loving Puppy Woodcock, that admires  
Fools for Wits, and Torments me with a damned  
Coranto, as he calls it, upon his Violin, which he used  
So Barbarously, I was ready to take it for a  
Bagpipe.  Lov. 
This would have made me broke my Spleen with  
Laughter.  Stanf. 
I must be stung with a Tarrantula, before I could laugh at it: but here my persecution did not end; For after I had got loose from the other two, whom should I see as I came along, but that infinite Coxcomb Poet- Ninny: who by force of Arms hales me into his Lodging, and Reads me there a Confounded Scene in Heroic Verse: so that, what with Sir Positive's Orations, Woodcocks squeaking Fiddle, and Poet Ninny's Heroic Fustian, I have a greater Windmill in my brain then a New-Polititian with his head full of Reformation, but as Fate would have it, in came a Dunn and out got I; and for fear of further Interruption, came back to my Lodging.  Enter Roger. Roger. 
O Sir! here's Poet Ninnie—  Enter Ninnie. Stan. 
I ha' but named the Devil, and see I have raised him.  Ninn. 
Mr. Lovel, Your humble Servant.  Lov. 
Sweet Mr. Ninnie, I am yours.  Ninn. 
But dear Mr. Stanford, I am infinitely troubled  
That that unmannerly Rascal should come and disturb  
Us just now: but you know, Sir, we cannot help the  
Impertinence of foolish Idle Fellows.  Stanf. 
No, no! you have convinced me sufficiently of that.  aside. 
How the Devil could he follow me? I think the  Lovel and Ninnie whisper. 
Rascal has as good a Nose as a Blood-Hound.  Ninn. 
I have a Copy of heroick-Verses will fit him  
I warrant you.  Lov. 
Read 'em to him, he's a great Judge I can assure you.  Ninn. 
Sir, I am happy to meet with one that is so great  
A Judge of Poetry as you are, for it is a miserable  
Thing for an Author to expose his things to empty  
Giddy-fellowes: and let me tell you, between you and  
I, there are seven thousand Fools to seven Wise Men.  Lovel. 
That so great a Truth should be spoken by one  
That I'll swear is none of the seven.  Stanf. 
Now do you judge Lovel:  enter Woodcock 
'Slife, another Teazer here! Woodcock?  Wood 
Dear Ninnie, Ah dear Lovel: Ah my dear jack-stanford, I am the happiest Man in thy Friendship of any Kisses them all. Man's upon Earth: Dear jack, I have the greatest value for thee in the World; prithee Kiss me again dear Heart.  Stanf. 
Now Lovel, Have I reason or not?  Lov. 
That you have to Laugh; This is my recreation.  Stanf. 
Well! if I do not leave the World within these three days; May I be eternally baited by Sir Positive, Ninnie, and Woodcock, which is a Curse worse than the worst of my Enemy's Wishes.  Wood 
hay! Art thou resolved to give over the World too  
Dear Heart; There's a Lady that came to Town  
Yesterday that is of the same mind; she told me  
So, but I hope she will not, for the truth on't is  
Jack, I am in Love with her.  Ninnie. 
Are you so? but I hope I shall catch her from you for all that.  aside. Wood 
She says she's so troubled with Impertinent People, which between you and I jack, are so numerous in this Town, that a Man cannot live in quiet for 'em, that she's resolved to leave the World to be quit of 'em.  Ninn. 
Yes, Faith she told me so last night as I was reading  
A Scene of my Play to her.  Stan. 
No doubt she had reason.  Wood 
'Tis your Acquaintance Ned Lovel, Carolina's Sister,  
Emilia.  Lovel. 
Now Stanford I'll oblige you, and bring you  
Acquainted with this Lady; Certainly her humour  
Will please you.  Stan. 
My Friend torment me too! Have I not impertinent  
Acquaintance enough already; but you must endeavour  
To trouble me with more.  Wood 
Well! that's an Excellent Copy of  
Verses of thine: Dear Ninnie. Come on jack,  
Thou shalt hear 'em.  Stan. 
Hell and Damnation!  Offers to go out. Ninn. 
Hold, hold; You shall hear  
Your sad indifference (Look you Sir, 'tis upon a  
Lady, that is indifferent in her Carriage towered me)  
Your sad indifference— (I am confident this  
Will please you, here are many thoughts I was happy in,  
And the Choice of Words not unpleasant, which you  
Know is the greatest matter of all)— Your sad indifference  
So wounds— (Look you, you shall find as much  
Soul and Force, and Spirit, and Flame in this, as ever you  
Saw in your Life.  Wood 
Come jack hear't, it is a most admirable piece.  Stanf. 
Now, Lovel, What think you.  Lovel Laughs. 
Gentlemen, I have Extraordinary business,  
I must leave you.  Wood 
No, no, hold! Faith thou shalt stay and hear  
His Verses, they are as good as ever were read;  
Come Ninnie—  Stan. 
O Devil! What have I deserved to have this  
Inflicted upon me.  Ninn. 
Reads. Your sad indifference so wounds my fair  
At once, I hope, and do at once despair.  
How do you like that, ha?—  
You do at once both hate and kindness show;  
And are at once both Kind and Cruel two.  Wood 
O! Very fine! Is't not Ned?  Lov. 
O! Extreme fine.  Stan. 
What the Devil makes you commend these sottish  
Verses, that are nothing but a jingling of Words?  
Let's go.  Ninn. 
Reads Agen. Hold! hold! hold, hear the rest; hem—  
At once my hopes you nourish, and destroy  
My only grief, and yet my only Joy.  
Mark that?  Stan. 
O Devil!  Ninn. 
Reads. Virtue and Vice at once in you do shine;  
Your Inclinations are, and are not mine.  Wood 
O Admirable! Didst ever hear any thing so  
Fine in thy life Dear Heart?  ‛ Stan. 
Ninnie Reads again. O how these Curs bait me?  
At once a storm and calm I do espy,  
And do at once a smile and frown descry.  
At once you kindle and put out my flame:  
I cold, as Ice, as hot as Charcoal am.  
Mark that Mr. Stanford, I was very happy in that  
Thought, as I hope to breath.  Wood 
Upon my Word, jack, that's a great flight of his.  Rog. 
Sir, methinks there's as pretty a Soul in't, as a Man shall see in a Summer's Day.  Stan. 
What am I condemned to?  Lov. 
Why do you torment yourself thus, methinks nothing can be pleasanter.  Stan. 
Gentlemen, detain me not, I'll stay no longer.  Ninn. 
Dear Mr. Stanford, I ha' just done, if you have any respect in the World for me, stay and hear the end on't.  Wood 
Nay, 'Faith jack thou shalt stay.  Stanf. 
What's this I endure?  Ninnie 
Reads. My Fate at once is gentle and severe,  
You will not show your hate, nor Love declare:  
Such safety and such dangers in your eye,  
That I resolve at once to live and die.  
There's, Body and Soul, in that Couplet.  Lov. 
hay; riddle me riddle me this, but this is the  
Fashionable way of writing.  Ninn. 
What say you, Sir? Are they not well? You are a great  
Judge.  Stan. 
Pray Sir let me go, I am no Judge at all, let me go,  
I will not stay.  
Sir Positive, here! I had rather  Enter Sir Positive. 
Go against an Insurrection of Prentices, then  
Encounter him.  Sir Posit. 
Ah Dear jack! Have I found thee? I would not but have seen you for twenty pound: I have made this morning a glorious Corrant, an immortal Corrant, a Corrant with a Soul in't; I'll defy all Europe to make such another: You may talk of your Baptists, your Locks, and your Banisters; let me see 'em Mend this: Why here's at least 25 Notes Compass, Fa lafoy, lafoy, etc. You shall hear.  Wood 
Come, Sir Positive, le's hear't.  Sir Posit. 
With all my heart: Fa, lafoy, la.  Stanf. 
Oh Heaven! Sir Positive, though I love Music,  
Yet at present I must tell you,  
I am out of Tune.  Ninn. 
Out of Tune, Ha, ha, ha,— Now have you said the  
Best thing in the World, and do not know it.  Stan. 
Sir Positive, I must take my leave of you, I must not lose my Business for a little Music.  Sir Posit. 
Hold, now you talk of Music!—  Stan. 
'Slife, Sir, I talk of my Business.  Sir Posit. 
But for Music, if any Man in England gives you a better account to that then I do, I will give all mankind leave to spit upon me: You must know it's a thing I have thought upon and considered, and made it my business from my Cradle; besides, I am so naturally a Musician, that Gamut, A re, Bemi, were the first words I could learn to speak: Do you like Baptist's way of Composing?  Lov. 
No doubt, Sir, he's a great Master.  Wood 
As ever was born, take that from me.  Sir Posit. 
Upon my Word, Stanford, I will make all my Tunes like his— You shall hear his Vein in this current now.  Stan. 
One trouble upon the neck of another— When  
I shall be delivered from these Fools?  Sir Posit. 
Do but ask Ninnie there?  Ninn. 
Yes doubtless, Sir Positive has a great Soul of Music in him; he has great power In Courantes and Jigs, and composes all the Music to my Plays he has great power.  Wood 
As any man that ever was born, Dear Heart.  Sir Posit. 
Come, you shall hear't—  Stan. 
Sir, I beg your pardon; I'll hear it some other time.  Sir Posit. 
Pish, pish, Upon my Hononr thou shalt stay,  
And hear it now.  Lov. 
Come, Dear Sir Positive, Make us happy.  Sir Posit. 
Observe! here's Flame in this Corrant— Fa, lafoy, la.  
There's a delicate Note in B, Fa Bemi in Alt,  
And observe now how it falls down to C. Sol. Fa. Ut.  
Fa, lafoy, lafoy— There's Mastery for you.  Stan. 
I do not like that part of your Corrant.  Sir Posit▪ 
It is a prodigious thing, thou shouldst ever be in my Company, and understand Music no better; thou hast found fault with the best part of the Corrant, ask Woodcock else?  Wood 
By the Lord Harry, there is a great deal of  
Glory in that part of the Corrant.  Fa, lafoy, etc. Sir Posit. 
Observe here how cunningly it falls out of the Key,  
And now at last it ends quite out of the Key.  Stan. 
Well, well! it's an Excellent Corrant; What the Devil  
Will you have more?— Fare you well.  Sir Posit. 
No, no; Stay but one Minute and you shall hear it  
All together. Ninnie, Do you beat Time—  Wood 
Well thought on, do, and I'll Dance  
To't Dear Hearts.  Stan. 
Now, Lovel, What think you, this Torture's worse than any the Dutch invented at Amboyna.  Sir Positive sings, Ninnie beats, False Time & Woodcock Dances to't. Sir Posit. 
Here's a Corrant for you, ha! Stanford,  
What think'st of this?  Wood. 
Think quoth a', I think I danced it as well  
As any Man in England, Bully-Rock.  Lov. 
Certainly, Sir Positive, he Dances very finely.  Sir Posit. 
As any man that ever was born upon two Legs▪  
I defy any Man in the World that outdoes him;  
For betwixt you and I, I taught him every step he has.  Rog. 
Upon my Word, Woodcock, you have as much power  
In Dancing, as any Man in England.  Wood 
Dear Heart let me Kiss thee; Gad thou art a great  
Judge— Here, drink my Health.  Rog. 
Ah! Dear Flattery, How convenient a sin art thou?  aside. Ninn. 
Come, Mr. Woodcock, you shall go to the reading of my Play.  Wood 
Ay! Come on, Bully-Rock—  Ex. Nin. and Wood Lov. 
Come, I'll take pity on you, Stanford, and go before, and prepare some place or other, where we may enjoy ourselves, and you be free. I'll take your Man along with me, and send him back again in haste for you; by that means you may get loose.—  Stan. 
For Heaven's sake make haste, you'll oblige me for ever.  Exit Lovel and Roger. 
Sir Positive! I am sorry I must leave you now;  
I must go speak with a Gentleman that came  
From Flanders last night.  Sir Posit. 
Flanders! If any Man gives you that account of Flanders that I do, I'll suffer Death; You must know I have thought of their Affairs, I have considered the thing throughly, never speak on't more, name it no more, let it not enter into your Thoughts; 'tis a lost Nation, absolutely undone, lost for ever, take that from me: and yet were I with castle Rodrigo but one quarter of an hour, I'd put him in a way to save all yet.  Stan. 
This is beyond all sufferance.— Sir Positive, I am  
So much in haste, that none but yourself should  
Have stayed me of all Mankind.  Sir Posit. 
Mankind! Dost thou know what thou sayst now? Dost thou talk of Mankind? I am confident thou never so much as thought'st of Mankind in thy life: I'll tell thee, I will give Dogs leave to piss upon me, if any man understands Mankind better than myself, now you talk of that. I have considered all Mankind, I have thought upon nothing else but Mankind this Month; and I find you may be a Poet, a Musician, a Painter, a Divine, a Mathematician, a States-man; but betwixt you and I, let me tell you, we are all Mortal.  Stanf. 
Well, they may talk of the Pox, want of Money, and a Scolding Wife, but they are Heaven to my afflictions.  Enter Bridget. Bridg. 
Sir Positive, my Lady Vain desires you would come And look upon her Picture that's come this Morning from Master lily's.  Sir Pos. 
Why there 'tis now Stanford, that people should have no more Judgement, she had as good have thrown her Money into the Dirt; 'tis true, I could have made him have made a good picture on't, if I had drawn the Lines for him, but I was not thought worthy, and now you talk of Painting, either I am the greatest Fop in Nature, or if I do not understand that, I understand nothing in the World: why I will paint with Lily, and draw in little with Cooper for 5000 l▪  Stanf. 
O! intolerable Impertinence! I am afraid he will not go now his Mistress sends for him.  Sir Pos. 
Dear Stanford! I must beg thy Excuse—  Stanf. 
A Curse on him, that's easily granted.  aside. Sir Pos. 
Come Mistress Bridget I'll go along with you.— Dear Stanford take it not unkindly, for I would not leave thee but upon this occasion.  Stanf. 
A thousand Thanks to the occasion.  aside. Sir Pos. 
But you know a man must not disoblige his Mistress jack?  Stanf. 
Oh no, by no means.  Sir Pos. 
Adien.—  Ex. Sir Pos. and Bridget▪ Stanf. 
So! this Trouble is over.  
O Fate! how little care you took of me,  
By these Misfortunes I too plainly see.  Ex.  

ACT. II.  Enter Carolina, Lovel. Carol. 
I Long to bring 'em together, they will be well Matched; but we must stay awhile, for she has been so teazed this morning, she has locked herself up in her Chamber.  Lov. 
Stanford was ready to fall out with me, when I named a new acquaintance to him, and will not be persuaded there is such a Creature as a Woman:  
That is not Impertinent.  Car. 
Emilia is as Cautious as he can be, and would be ready To swoon at the sight of a new face, for she will not believe but all mankind are Coxcombs: for heavens' sake Lovel let's surprise them into one another's Company, we shall have admirable sport.  Lov. 
we'll do't; but Madam, why should we mind their business that have enough of our own: what if you and I should play the fools once in our Lives, and enter into the bonds of Wedlock together.  Car. 
Fie, fie, 'tis such a Constant condition of life, that a Woman had as good be professed in a Nunnery, for she can no sooner get out of one than t'other.  Lov. 
But with your pardon, Madam, this is somewhat The pleasanter Condition of the Two.  Car. 
That's according as they use both Conditions, but  
Pray Master Lovel bring not this villainous Matrimony  
Into dispute any more, lest that may make us desire  
It, I have known some men by maintaining a  
Heresy in Jest become of that opinion in good Earnest.  
But do you know that my Lady Vain was here this Morning?  Lov. 
No Madam; but what of that?  Cor. 
She told me that of you will make your Ears tingle.  Lov. 
Of me, Madam, what was't?  Car. 
She says you are the most inconstant man, the most perfidious Wretch that e'er had breath, and bid me fly you as I would infection.  Lov. 
What the Devil did she mean by that?  Car. 
Come, let me know what's betwixt you, or I'll  
Rack you but I'll know it.  Lov. 
This Jealousy makes me believe you love me.  
That she should be prating herself,  aside. 
How many Women would be thought honest, if  
They could hold their own Tongues.  Car. 
I am like to have a fine servant of you: but a Lady would have a fine time on't that were to marry you, to stake all the treasures of her Youth and Virginity, which have been preserved with so much Care, and Heaven knows some trouble too against nothing.  Lov. 
Faith Madam, I have e'en as much as I had before, but if you'll be kind, I'll take that Care off your hands, and soon rid you of that trouble.  Car. 
No, no, go to my Lady Vain, give her your Heart poor Lady she wants it too but for me, I can keep my affliction to myself.  Lov. 
Dear Carolina! name her no more, if you do, I will get drunk immediately. And then I shall have Courage enough to fall aboard her.  Car. 
Lord! what a loss shall I have: Heaven send me patience, or I shall ne'er outlive it, to lose so proper a Gentleman, but why should I think to rob her of her due, no, no, now I think on't to her again, go, go.  Lov. 
For heavens' sake Carolina do not Tyrannize thus, why I had rather be kept waking at an ill Play then endure her Company.  Car. 
Thus are we poor Women despised when we give away our Hearts to ungrateful men, but Heaven will punish you.  Lov. 
Dear Carolina, let's leave fooling, and be in downright Earnest.  Car. 
I hope, Sir, your Intentions are honourable.  Lov. 
Madam, why should you once doubt it?  
My Love to you is as pure as the flame that burns upon an Altar:  
You are too unjust if you suspect my honour.  Car. 
Now will you leave fooling; on my Conscience  
He is in Earnest.  Lov. 
As much as the severest Anchorite can be at his Devotions.  Car. 
O! are you so, ' it's a hard Case, but pray you, Sir, leave off, I had rather hear a silenced Parson preach sedition than you talk seriously of Love, would you could see how it becomes you; why you look more Comically than an old fashioned fellow singing of Robin Hood or Chevy Chase.  
My Love to you's as pure as the flame that burns upon an Altar! how scurvily it sounds.  Lov. 
You are the Cruelest Tyrant alive: Let us be serious a little, I have rallied myself into a passion will ruin my else.  Car. 
Come, in what posture must I stand to hear you talk formally.  Lov. 
On my Conscience 'tis easier to fix quicksilver than your humour, Madam, but if you would enter into Wedlock I can assure you that will bring you to gravity.  Car. 
Let me but once more hear you name Marriage, and I protest I'll send for my Lady Vain to you. I tell you again I will not marry. I love your Conversation, and your humour of all things in the World.  
But for Marriage 'tis good for nothing, but to make Friends fall out.  Lov. 
Nay, faith if you be at that I can do you the same Civility without the Ceremony, as you say it is a kind of formal Thing.  Car. 
No! I shall take Example by my Lady Vain, poor Lady, she little thought to be unkindly used, I warrant you.  Lov. 
Again that name.  Car. 
Besides, if we were Married you might say; faith Carolina is a pretty Woman, and has humour good enough, but a pox on't she's my wife; no, no, I'll have none of that.  Lov. 
Do you still distrust my Honour, 'tis unkindly done, but—  Car. 
Hold, hold, her door opens, step you in there, and you may hear how she entertains the motion.  Enter Emilia with a Book in her hand. Emil. 
The Wisdom of this Charles the fifth was  
Wonderful;  
Who 'midst of all his Triumphs and his Greatness,  
When he had done what glory had obliged him to,  
Seeing the Vanity of Mankind did quit  
The pleasures that attend a Monarch's state;  
Nay more, the most bewitching thing called power,  
And left the World to live an humble life,  
Free from the Importunity of Fools, was't not  
Wisely done Sister?  Car. 
Yes, no doubt on't, as wisely done to go to a Monastery to shun fools, as to keep Company with Usurers and Brokers to avoid Knaves.  Emil. 
Thou art a Foolish Girl, I am tormented  
With The Impertinence of both Sexes so,  
I am resolved I'll not stay one Week out of a Nunnery.  Car. 
O' my Conscience thou art stark out of thy Wits with reading of Burton's Melancholy; To a Nunnery to avoid Impertinence? where canst thou think to meet with more than there?  Emil. 
Now you are too Censorious.  Car. 
You should like me the better.  
But you must needs find relief there? Do you  
Think any Women that have sense, or Warmth  
Of blood, as we have, would go into a Nunnery?  Emil. 
If I should meet with Fops there too,  
I should be irreparably lost: Oh Heaven! what  
Shall I do to ease myself? rather than  
Endure the persecution of those fools that haunt  
Us here. I will go where neither Man nor Woman  
ever came.  Lov. 
O Rare! Stanford, here's just thy Counterpart (Within. To a hair.  Car. 
Since thou art resolved to sequester thyself from Company, I'll buy thee a Cage and hang thee up by the Parrot over the way, and thou shalt converse with none but him: I hope he's not Impertinent too?  Emil. 
Must you torment me too? fie Sister.  
What would you have me do? my Patience  
Is not great enough to endure longer, to see  
The folly of this age; Do you judge, after I had been  
Sufficiently worried by the Lady Vain this Morning,  
Whom I was forced to get rid of, by Telling her, her  
Lover my Cousin Positive was at her lodging, which  
You know is as far as the Pall-mall.  Car. 
That Vertuosa as she calls herself, is the pleasantest Creature I ever saw: but prithee Sister, let me hear none of your fantastic Stories, methinks you are as Impertinent as any body.  Emil. 
It distracts me to see this folly in things that are intended for reasonable Creatures.  Lov. 
O Stanford! If this Lady does not match thee the devils in't.  within. Car. 
These Fools you talk of afford me so much recreation,  
That I do not know how I should laugh without 'em.  Emil. 
Thou hast no sense, they make me weary of the World!  
Heaven! what shall I do?  Car. 
I tell you: Stanford hearing of your humour, and Admiring it has a great desire to see you, before you resolve to leave the world, try how he will please you.  Emil. 
What a ridiculous thing it is of you to wish me to new Acquaintance, when I am leaving the old? I am sure He's Impertinent, for all mankind I have met are so  Car. 
Hist Lovel!  Lov. 
Your humble Servant Lady's—.  comes out. Emil. 
Is this he? then farewell.  Lov. 
Madam! pray stay, and give me the honour of one word with you.  Emil. 
I knew what he was: my Lady Vain here?  Enter Lady Vain and Bridget. La. Vain. 
Master Lovel! your most humble servant.  Lov. 
Your Ladyship's humble servant▪ how I hate the sight of her in presence of my Mistress.  Car. 
Lovel! for shame be civil to your Mistress: L●●'s hear you make Love a little.  La. Vain. 
Madam upon my Reputation there was no such thing, Sir Positive was never there, sure some Dirty fellow or other brought a false Message on purpose to rob me of the pleasure of your Ladyship's sweet Company: would he were hanged for his pains, he passion he has put me in, has put me out of Breath.  to Emilin. Lov. 
Lord! how soon she's put in and put out!  La. Vain. 
But, Madam, as soon as ever I found he was not there I made all possible haste to wait upon you again, for fear your Ladyship should resent my too abrubt departure.  Emil. 
O heavens'! take pity of my afflictions, Madam—  La. Vain. 
But the truth on't is I designed to spend this day with you, since I can be no where so well satisfied as with your Ladyship's Converse, a person who is Mistress of so much virtue and honour, which are Treasures I value above the World.  Emil. 
Why, Madam—  La. Vain. 
For the truth is so few Ladies have either, that they are things to be valued for their rarity.  Emil. 
Oh Impertinence! whither will this Eternal tongue of hers carry her.  Lov. 
This is very pleasant for her to name Virtue and Honour In my Company.  aside. Emil. 
Madam! for heavens' sake—  La. Vain. 
For the truth on't is, Madam, a Lady without Virtue and Honour is altogether as detestable as a Gentleman without Wit or Courage.  Emil. 
Madam! I am sorry I cannot wait on you longer,  
I am engaged to dine abroad.  La. Vain. 
Where is't Madam, for I am resolved to go along with you.  Emil. 
Why, Madam, you do not know the persons.  La. Vain. 
That's all one for that, let me alone to make my Apology.  Emill. 
This is beyond all sufferance.  Care. 
I hope she will not leave her off so.  Lovel. 
No: if she does, I am mistaken.  La Vain. 
Come, Madam; Let's go.  Emili. 
But Madam, I must call at the Exchange first,  
To buy some trifles there.  La. Vain. 
O Madam! I'll bring you to my Milliner, that  
Calls himself the Italian Milliner, or the Little  
Exchange; he's better provided then any one  
In the Exchange.  Emili. 
I am on the sudden taken ill, and must retire.  La. Vain. 
Madam, d'ye think, I that am a Virtuosa understand no better, then to leave you now you are not well; What's your Distemper? no Woman in England was more serviceable among her Neighbours than I with my Flos Unguentorum, Paracelsian and Green-salve.  Lov. 
And your Album Graecum I warrant you▪  La. Vain. 
That Album Graecum was a Salve of my Invention:  
But a propos, perhaps it may be a fit of the Mother,  
If it be, we must burn some Bl●w-Inckle, and Partridge  
Feathers under your Nose; or she must smell to Asra foetida,  
And have some Cold Water with a little Flower to drink:  
Ay, ay, 'twill be so; pray Mr. Lovel come and help to hold her.  Philip. 
No, no, Madam; there's no such thing I'll assure you:  
I must beg leave to go to my Chamber.  La. Vain. 
Come, Madam, I'll conduct you, and be as careful of you  
As if you were my Sister a thousand times.  Emilia. 
Madam! with your pardon, I desire to be alone, and  
Try to rest.  La. Vain. 
Alone! by no means in the World, Madam, it may  
Be very dangerous; I would not for all the World  
Madam, you should be alone; suppose you should  
Fall into a Fit alone, I can speak it by Experience;  
'Tis Dangerous for a Lady to fall into a Fit without  
An Able Body by her. Come, Madam, I'll conduct you in.  Emilia. 
How shall I get rid of her▪  Ex La. Vain and Emilia. Lovel. 
Let's in and see when the Fury of this Dol Common will be at an End.  Carol. 
Come, come, we shall have the pleasure of seeing my  
Sister Worried almost to Death  Exit Lovel and Carolina. Enter Stanford. Stan. 
I wonder my Man returns not yet.  
I thought to have found Mr. Lovel here, but  
Here's one will do my business.  Enter Huff. Huff. 
Oh Mr. Stanford! Have I found you?  Stanf. 
Oh Heaven's! Will my punishment never end?  Huff. 
I am the most unfortunate Man that ever was born.  Stanf. 
Why do you trouble me with this? Am I the  
Cause on't?  Huff. 
No! but I'll tell you, upon my Reputation, I have been Nicked out of twenty pound Just now at Spiering, and lost seven to four, for my last Stake.  Stan. 
What the devil's this to me? let me go.  Huff. 
But, Sir, I'll tell you a thing that very nearly concerns you.  Stanf. 
Some other time; 'Slife do not disturb me now.  Huff. 
For Heaven's sake hear me, you'll repent it else.  Stanf. 
Make haste then, keep me in pain no longer.  Huff. 
Why, I have found out the finest plump fresh Girl, newly come out of the Country.  Stanf. 
Hell and Damnation! Why do you trouble me with such trifles.  Huff. 
Trifles, Does he call 'em? Well! I see this won't do:  Aside. 
But, Sir, I'll tell you somewhat concerns you more▪  
Nearly; Sir, it concerns your Honour.  Stan. 
My Honour! Why, who dares call it in question?  Huff. 
Not so, Sir; but, Do you love Generosity and Honour?  Stanf. 
Why do you ask the question?  Huff. 
Why then I'll put you in a way to do a very Generous▪ And Honourable thing.  Stanf. 
What do you mean by this Impertinence?  Huff. 
If you will relieve an Honest Gentleman in distress,  
Lend me two Pieces, you shall have 'em again within  
Four and twenty hours, or may I perish.  Stan. 
‛ Pox on you for an Owl: There, take 'em; I would  
I could get rid of all my Impertinents at as cheap  
A rate.  Huff. 
I give you a thousand thanks.  Stan. 
'Slife! trouble me no more, be gone!  Huff. 
Sir, It were a very ungrateful thing not to  
Acknowledge the favour.  Stanf. 
Away, away, and let your gratitude alone,  Huff. 
D'hear, Mr. Stanford! upon mine honour I'll  Huff offers to go out, and returns 
Return 'em tomorrow night without fail.  Stan. 
Curse on you for a Rascal  Ex. Huff. 
So, here's one trouble over!  
Well! What's the News?  Enter Roger. Rog. 
Do you earnestly desire to know, Sir?  Stan. 
Must I have Impertinence in my own Family too?  Roger. 
O! I am so out of breath, I am not able to speak one word; but if I had never so much breath, I could tell you nothing but what you'd be glad to hear: If I had the wind of an Irish Footman, nay, of a Nonconforming Parson— or.  Stan. 
Or, with a Pox to you, one Similitude more, and I'll  
Break that Fool's head of yours.  Roger. 
Well, Sir, since you are in haste, I'll be brief as a Fiddler, after he's paid for scraping, for I love to be so in Cases of this Importance, for I have heard—  Stan. 
Out you Dog, a Sentence after your Similitude;  
You are as impertinent as a Country Witness.  Roger. 
I have done, Sir, and now I'll tell you in one Word:  
Hold Sir! here's a Spider in your Perriwigg.  Stanf. 
Death, you Rascal! I'll ram it down your Throat.  Roger. 
Be patient, Sir: Seneca advises to moderate our passions.  Stanf. 
Hang ye ye Rascal! Seneca is an Ass in your mouth.  
Tell me quickly, Or—  Roger. 
Why, Sir, you are so impatient you will not hear me?  Stanf. 
'Faith but I will speak.  Roger. 
Not to boast of my diligence, which, though I say it, is as much—  Stanf. 
You Dog tell me quickly, or I'll cut your Ears off.  Roger. 
Why Mr. Lovel, would have you come to him; What would you have?  Stanf. 
If I were not in haste, Sirrah; I'd teach you to know your Man, and who you may put your Tricks on, you impudent Rascal.  As Stanford is going out, enter Woodcock. Rog. 
Death! That I should find impertinence in others, and not see it in myself.  Wood 
Dear jack, thy humble Servant: How dost do? My Footman told me, he saw thy Man come in here, which made me believe I should find thee here; and I had not power to stay from thee, my Dear Bully-Rock, for I can enjoy myself no where so well as in thy Company: Let me kiss thee Dear Heart; 'Gad I had rather kiss thee then any Woman.  Stan. 
This is beyond all Example: Oh horrid! his kindness is a greater persecution than the Injuries of others.  Wood 
I'll tell thee, Dear Heart, I love thee with all my heart: thou art a man of Sense, Dear Rogue, I am infinitely happy in thy Friendship; for I meet with so many impertinent silly Fellows every day, that a man cannot live in quite for 'em: Dear Heart. For between you and I, this Town is more pestered with idle Fellows, that thrust themselves into Company, than the Country is with Attorny's; Is it not jack?  Exit Roger. Stan. 
Yes! I have too much reason to believe you, a Curse on you.—  Aside. Wood 
Ay, Did not I tell you so, jack! ha? but this is not my business▪ Dear Rascal kiss me, I have a secret to impart to thee, but if it take the least Air, I am undone: I have a project in my head shall raise me 20000 l. I know you will promise secrecy, dear heart.  Stan. 
Don't trouble me with it.  Wood 
No, it concerns thee Man: why, thou shalt go halves with me, Dear Heart.  Stan. 
For Heaven's sake, Sir, don't trust it with me, I have a faculty of telling all I know: I cannot help it.  Wood 
Oh! Dear Bully-Rock, that Wheadle won't pass. Don't I know thou art a Man of Honour; and besides, so reserved, that thou wilt scarce tell a secret to thy Friend.  Stan. 
Sir, I am unhappy in your good opinion, this is beyond all sufferance.  Wood 
No, Faith, Dear jack, thou deserv'st it; but my project is this, d'ye see.  Stanf. 
Well! I am so tormented with Impertinent Fellows, that I see there is no remedy.  Wood 
As I hope to Live, jack, I am of thy Opinion: the ' truth on't is, 'tis intolerable, for a man can never be free from these Fools in this Town; I like thy resolution so well, that I am a Son of a Whore if I don't go along with thee! Ah how we shall enjoy ourselves when we are both together, how we shall despise the rest of the World: Dear Heart.  Enter Roger. Roger. 
O, Mr. Woodcock! Poet Ninnie is gone to the Rose Tavern, and bid me tell you, he has extraordinary business with you, and begs you would make all possible haste to him.  wood. 
O Dear Rascal, kiss me! thou art the honestest Fellow in the World: Dear jack, I must beg thy pardon for a few minutes, but I hope thou'lt not take it ill; why 'tis about business Dear Heart, you know we must not neglect that.  Stan. 
O no Sir, by no means.  Wood 
Nay, Dear Rogue, be not angry, prithee kiss me; as I hope to live, I'll return immediately; Dear jack, thy humble Servant—  Exit Woodcock. Stan. 
This is a lucky Accident.  Roger. 
Sir, I was fain to sin a little for you, and get rid of him by this lie.  Stan. 
Well! this shall excuse all your former Errors, I'll away, for fear some other fools should find me out.  Exeunt. Enter Emilia, La. Vain (following her up and down) after them, Carolina, Lovel. Carol. 
Does she not Tease her bravely Lovel?  Lov. 
Admirably! Oh that Stanford were here! if't were for nothing but to see a fellow-sufferer.  La. Vain. 
Then Madam, will your Ladyship be pleased to let me wait on you to a Play, there are two admirable Plays at both Houses; and let me tell you, Madam, Sir Positive, that understands those things as well as any man in England, says, I am a great Judge.  Emili. 
Madam, I beseech you ask me no more questions; I tell you, I had as live stand among the rabble, to see a Jack-pudding eat a Custard, as trouble myself to see a Play.  La! Vain. 
O Fie Madam! a young Lady and hate Plays; why I'll tell you, Madam, at one House there is a huge Two handed Devil, and as brave a Fat Friar as one would wish to see in a Summers-Day; and a delicate Machine, as they call it, where one sits and sings as fine a Song: And then at t'other house there's a rare Play, with a Jig in't, would do your heart good to see it; but if there were nothing else in't, you might have your four Shillings out in Thunder and Lightning; and let me tell you, 'tis as well worth it as one Penny's worth another.  Emil. 
What have I done?  Stanf. 
Am I trapaned into womens' Company?  Offers to go out, Lov. lays hold of him. Lov. 
Hold, hold, hold, Madam, here's Mr. Stanford desires to kiss your hands.  Emili. 
I am in that disorder that never Woman was.  La. Vain. 
O Mr. Lovel! she's falling into a fit of an Epilepsy: help all to hold her, lend me a Knife to cut her Lace.  Stan. 
This is worse than all the rest.  Lovel 
to La. Vain. Let me speak with you in the next Room in private.  La. Vain. 
Sir, your most obedient servant: I shall be glad of any occasion to retire with one, for whom I have so great an affection.  Lov. 
to Carolina. For Heaven's sake follow me, or I shall be in an ill condition.  Caro. 
I find you are an Errand Hippocrite, but I'll take you at your word for once.  Ex. Lov. La. Vain. and Carolina▪ Emili. 
I am the greatest object of pity that was ever seen: I am never free from these Importunate Fools.  Stanford and Emilia walk up and down, and take little notice of one another. Stan. 
I am not less afflicted, and have as much need of pity too.  Emil. 
I find no possibility of relief, but by leaving the World that is so full of folly.  Stan. 
Who would live in an age, when Fools are Reverenced, and Impudence Esteemed.  Emil. 
To see a Fellow but the other day content with humble Linsey Woolsey, now have variety of Vents, Perriwiggs and Laced Linen.  Stan. 
One, that but the other day, could eat but one meal a day, and that at a threepenny Ordinary; now struts in State, and talks of nothing but Shattellins and Lefronds.  Emil. 
In so corrupt an Age, when all mankind flatter the greatest, and oppress the least; when to be just is to be out of fashion, and to betray a friend is lawful Cunning.  Stanf. 
This is pleasant for her to speak against these Aside. things, as if she were not as bad as any one: Who would live in such a treacherous Age, to see this Gentleman that Courts the t'other Gentleman's Wife, meet him and embrace him; and swear he loves him above the World: and he poor fool dotes extremely upon him that does the Injury.  Emil. 
Now has this Fellow a design to have me think aside. him Wise: but wisdom and honesty are fooled out of Countenance.  Stan. 
Now the illiterate fool despises Learning  Emil. 
Nay, among the learned themselves, we find many that are great Scholars by Art, are most abominable Fools by Nature.  Stan. 
This shall not persuade me to believe she is not Impertinent.  aside. Emil. 
Now the qualifications of a fine Gentleman are to Eat alamode, drink Champagne, Dance Jigs, and play at Tennis.  Stanf. 
To love Dogs, Horses, Hawks, Dice and Wenches, scorn Wit, break Windows, beat a Constable, lie with his Sempstress, and undo his Tailor, it distracts me to think on't.  Emil. 
Now does he desire to be taken for a discreet fellow, but this will not do.  Aside. Stan. 
What relief can I expect in this age▪ when men take as much pains to make themselves fools, as others have done to get wisdom.  Emil. 
Nay folly is become as natural to all mankind as lust.  Stan. 
What shall I do? Whither shall I turn me to avoid these Fools.  Lov. 
Now let's slip 'em  Caro. 
We shall have a very fair Course.  Enter La. Vain, Ninnie, Lovel and Carolina. Emi. 
O Heaven's! Are they here?  Stan. 
What will become of me?  Ninnie 
to Emilia. O Madam, I'll tell you, Stanford pray hear once.  
'Tis such a thing as never was in the World.  La. Vain. 
Ay, pray Sir hear him, he's as pretty a Wit as any man in this Town, except Sir Positive I assure you.  Stan. 
What are we condemned to?  Emil. 
To a worse condition than galley-slaves.  Ninnie. 
I was with my Bookseller, Madam, with that Heroic Poem, which I presented to your Ladyship, as an earnest of the honour I have for you; But by the way, he's an ignorant ingrateful Fellow, for betwixt you and I he has got some hundreds of pounds by some Plays and Poems of mine which he has Printed. And let me tell you, some under the Names of Beaumond, and Fletcher, and Ben. johnson too: but what do you think, Madam I asked the Son of a Whore for this Poem?  Emil. 
O Insufferable!  Ninn. 
What think you Stanford?  lays hold of him Stan. 
Let me go; I have no Judgement in these things.  Ninn. 
But I'll you; There are not above 10, or 12000 Lines in all the Poem: and as I hope to be saved, I asked him but twelve pence a line one line with another.  La. Vain. 
And really, Sir, that's as reasonable as he can possibly afford 'em, take that from me?  Stay. 
O Devil! this is worse than a Sheerness Ague: that will give a Man some respite between the Fits.  Ninn. 
By my Soul, Madam, if he had been my Brother I would not have abated him one penny; for you must know, there are many hundreds of Lines, that in their Intrinsic value, are worth ten shillings a Line between Father and Son; and the greatest part of 'em are worth five shillings a line: but before George very few or none but are worth three shillings a line to the veriest jew in Christendom; they have that salt, thought, imagination, power, spirit, soul, and flame in 'em— ha!  Emil. 
What does this concern me?  Ninn. 
No, but I'll tell you, Stanford, prithee hear, as I hope for mercy this Impudent Rogue told me, he would not give me two shillings for the whole Poem; an ignorant Puppy, a fellow of all the World I designed to make, for he might have sold these Books for three shillings apiece, and I would have helped off with 10000 of 'em, to ten thousand of my particular intimate Friends; besides, every one that had but heard of my name, which are almost all the King's Subjects, would have bought some; so that I should not have got above six or seven hundred pound, and in a fortnight's time have made this fellow an Alderman: That such ignorant Rascals should be Judges of Wit or Sense.  La. Vain. 
Well Sir, we shall never have good World unless the State Reforms these abuses.  Ninn. 
'Tis very true, Madam, for this is a thing is of Consequence to the whole Nation, Stanford.  Stan. 
What the Devil would you have? Am I the cause of this?  〈◊〉. 
No! Heaven forbid I should say so: but Madam, I had forgot another Advantage he had had by this.  Emil. 
Heaven defend me! this puts me beyond all patience.  Ninn. 
I'll tell you, Stanford, prithee mind me a little.  Stan. 
Oh now I am undone, ruined for ever, Sir Positive's here.  Emili. 
O intolerable!  enter Sir Positive. Sir Pos. 
to La. Vain I heard your Ladyship was here and came to kiss your hand.  
Oh Stanford, art thou here? well, how dost Cousin?  
I am glad I have found you all together, I came to  
Present my Lady Vain with a music I have made  
Which his that Invention in't, I say no more but  
I have been this Month of making it,  
And you must know music is a thing I value my  
Self upon, 'tis a thing I have thought on, and considered,  
And made my business from my Cradle.  Lov. 
Come Madam, now they are settled in their business, let's  
Leave 'em.  Car. 
With all my heart.  Sir Pos. 
Come! you shall see it.  Emil. 
Cousin! Pray let it be another time.  Sir Pos. 
Nay, nay, never talk of that, you shall see't now,  
And let me tell you I have as much power of Invention  
In music as any man in England: Come in,  Stanf. 
O Heaven, when shall we be delivered from these fools?  Enter Fiddlers and play a ridiculous piece of music. Sir Pos 
How do you like it Stanford, is it not well! what say you Cousin, ha?  La. Va. 
Indeed Sir Positive, it's very agreeable.  Sir Pos. 
Upon my honour this honest fellow played it with a great deal of glory, he is a most incomparable Bower, he has the most luscious, the most luxurious bow-hand of any man in Europe, take that from me, and let me tell you, if any man gives you a better account of the Intrigue of the Violin, than I do, I am an Owl, a Puppy, a Coxcomb, a Loggerhead, or what you will.  Emil. 
Sure there is Magic in this? never to be free?  Sir Pos. 
Magic? why do you understand Magic?  Emil. 
No, no, no, not I Cousin▪ O intolerable!  Sir Pos. 
I do; if you please talk of something else, leave that to me, why I will discover lost Spoons and Linen, resolve all horary questions, nay raise a Devil with Doctor Faustus himself, if he were alive.  Ninnie 
to my Lady Vain. Woodcock a Poet? a pimp is he not?  Sir Pos. 
whose's that speaks of pimping there: well! though I say't no man pretends to less than I do; but I cannot pass this by without manifest Injury to myself.  Stanf. 
This Puppy rather than not be in at all will declare himself a pimp.  Lady Vain. 
But Sir, are you such a manner of man?  Sir Pos. 
Why Madam? did you never hear of me for this?  Lady Vain. 
No Sir! if I had—  Sir Pos. 
If I had— ha, ha, ha— why Madam, where have you lived all this while.  La. Vain. 
O ●y upon him, Madam, I shall lose my reputation if I be seen in his Company.  Sir Pos. 
Well! the pimps in this Town are a Company of empty idle fellows, they have no design in 'em.  La. Vain. 
Sir, I am sorry you are such a kind of Man, but—  Sir Pos. 
Sorry! well! if I would bend myself to't I would starve all these Pimps, they should not eat bread, but I am not thought fit.  La. Va. 
Sure you railly all this while.  Sir Pos. 
Railly! ha, ha, ha. Why there is not a Lady of Pleasure from Blackwall to Tuttle-Fields that I am not intimately acquainted with, nay that I do not know the state of her Body from her first Entering into the Calling.  La. Vain. 
O Madam! I am undone, ruined for ever by being in his Company.  Sir Pos. 
Besides for debauching of Women, Madam, I am the greatest son of a Whore in the World if any one comes near me.  La. Vain. 
Out upon you, if you be such a man I will have nothing to do with you, see me no more, I must look to my Honour, my Reputation is dearer to me then all the World. I would not have a blemish in my Honour for all the riches of the Earth, this makes me so covetous of your Ladyship's Company, a person of so much Virtue and Honour, but for Sir Positive I defy him; forbear my presence, you will undo my Honour for ever.  Sir Pos. 
Oh what have I done?  Emil. 
O horrid Impertinence!  offers to go out. Sir Pos. 
Nay, nay, Dear Cousin stay, and see us friends first, Madam, I beg a thousand pardons: 'Tis true, I said no man in England understood pimping better than myself, but I meant the speculative not the practical part of pimping.  La. Va. 
O that's something, I assure you, if you had not brought yourself off well with your Speculation, I would never have suffered you to have Practised upon me, for no Woman in England values her Honour more than I do.  Enter Bridget. Bridg. 
Oh Madam, we must go to the Setting Dog and Partridge to supper to night, Master Whiskin came to invite us, there will be the Blades, and we shall have a Ball.  La. Vain. 
Will there be none but our own Company?  Bridg. 
No Madam.  La. Va. 
Well! I am resolved not to fail if I can by any means get rid of Sir Positive, for I love meat and drink and fiddles, and such merry Gentlemen with all my heart.  Enter Woodcock. Wood 
Your servant Dear Hearts; Madam, Emilia I kiss your hand: Dear jack.  Emilia. 
Nay, now it is time to shift for ourselves.  Wood 
My Dear Bully-Rock can I serve thee in any thing?  Stanf. 
Nay, then fare you well.—  Emil. and Stanf. run out at several doors, the Impertinents divided follow 'em.  

ACT. III.  Enter Stanford, Emilia, Sir Positive, Lady Vain, Woodcock and Ninnie. Sir Pos. 
NAy then Cousin, I am an Ass, an Idiot, a Blockhead and a Rascal, if I don't understand Drammatique Poetry of all things in the World; why this is the only thing I am esteemed for in England.  Emil. 
I can hold no longer. aside. This Rudeness of yours amazeth me; 'Tis beyond all Example, must we be perpetually persecuted by you and your Crew. For heavens' sake leave me.  Sir Pos. 
Ha, ha, ha: Coz, thou railliest well; 'Tis true, Woodcock and Ninnie will be a little troublesome sometimes; but i'faith they are very Honest fellows ' Give 'em their due.  Emil. 
Oh abominable! Worse and worse.  Stanf. 
to Ninnie and Wood Gentlemen! what Obligation have we to endure your folly any longer, must we be forced to leave the World for such importunate fools as you are?  Ninnie. 
What a Devil ails he? he's mad; who does he mean by this?  Wood 
Nay faith I don't know, I am sure he does not mean me, Dear Heart.  Ninnie. 
Nor me neither; Take that from me.  Wood 
jack if thou wilt leave the World, I'll go along with thee as I told thee, Dear Heart; but who is't troubles thee now Bully-Rock?  Stanf. 
All of ye; ye are a pack of the most insupportable fools That e'er had breath, I had rather be at a Bear-Garden Then be in your Company.  Ninn. 
Ha, ha, ha: This is very pleasant i'faith: Call the greatest Wits and Authors of the Nation fools, Ha, ha, ha. That's good i'faith.  Wood 
Nay, perhaps the greatest men of the Age: you are a great Judge indeed, etc.  Lady Vain. 
Nay Sir Positive e'en leave her (done't be troublesome) since she desires you: Come Madam, I'll wait upon you, whither you please: we'll enjoy ourselves in private.  Emil. 
This is worst of all; Do you think I can suffer the Noise of your Tongue forever with patience?  La. Vain. 
O'my Conscience Sir Positive she's distracted.  Sir Pos. 
Yes Madam, if I be a judge she is, and I defy any one to deceive me in this.  La. Vain. 
It must be so, for she has a vast deal of wit, and great wits you know have always a Mixture of Madness.  Sir Pos. 
Well Madam! I found that by myself, for I was about three years ago as mad as ever man was; I 'scap'd Bedlam very narrowly, 'tis not above a twelvemonth since my brains were settled again: But come, Madam, I'll wait on your Ladyship, for she does not deserve the honour of such Company.  La. Vain. 
What shall I do? to get rid of him, I shall miss my assignation, if I do not.  Sir Pos. 
Come, Madam—  
Fare you well! since you are no better Company—  Ex. Sir Pos. and La. Vain. Ninn. 
So, so, now we shall be a little at rest: for let me tell you Madam, though Sir Positive be a rare man, yet my Lady Vain is a little too talkative, and there can be no greater Trouble to one of sense then that.  Emil. 
You are the most impertinent of all Mankind.  Ninn. 
Oh Madam! you are pleased to say so—  Emil. 
You are a most abominable fool, and the worst Poet in Christendom: I had rather read the History of Tom Thumb then the best of your Poems.  Ninn. 
Oh Madam! you are pleasant, but this won't pass,  Emil. 
Such ridiculous insipid Rhimes are you Author of, That I am confident you are that incorrigible scribbler that furnishes the Bellman of this Ward.  Ninn. 
Ha, ha, ha, etc. Madam: as I hope to breathe you droll very well, this is the pretty'st humour in the World.  Enter Lovel and Carolina. Stanf. 
O Heaven! what will become of me?  Car. 
Is not this extremely pleasant?  Lov. 
There was never any thing equal to't.  Emil. 
Your Verses are such as Schoolboys ought to be whipped for.  Ninn. 
This will not stir me; Madam, I know you are not in Earnest.  Emil. 
And your Plays are below the Dignity of a Mountebanks stage. Salvator Winter would have refused them.  Ninn. 
Nay, Madam, never talk of that, I'll show you a Play I have about me: Come, Madam, we'll read it, here's the most glorious conceits, the most powerful touches, in a word, 'tis a Play that shall Read and Act with any Play that ever was born, I mean, conceived.  Wood 
Come on jack!  Stanf. 
Ah! Dear Lovel! use some means for my delivery, or I am ruined for ever: for if I should go they would not leave me, they are so barbarously cruel in their persecutions.  Wood 
Nay, never speak of that Madam, before George you will bring your Judgement in question if you condemn Ninny's Plays Dear Heart.  Emil. 
Away you Coxcomb, you are ten times a more Ridiculous 'Squire then he's a Poet.  Wood 
Ha, ha, ha. By the Lord Harry this is a strange humour of hers as ever I saw in my life: Well Madam you will have your frolic, but come Ninnie, we'll e'en take our leaves.  Ninn. 
Ay, ay, come, your humble servants.  Wood 
Your servant, Dear Hearts, this is the pleasantest humour in the World.  Ninn. 
Ay, is't not? ha, ha, ha—  Ex. Ninn. and Woodcock laughing. Stanf. 
O Friend, I have been more inhumanely used then ever Bawd was by the fury of the ' Prentices.  Lov. 
Still I say laugh at 'em as I do.  Car. 
Let's leave 'em Lovel, for they are in such humours, they are only fit for one another's Company.  Lov. 
With all my heart, Madam—  Ex. Lovel & Carolina▪ Emil. 
Well! I will leave the World immediately.  Stanf. 
Which way do you intent to go?  Emil. 
Why do you ask?  Stanf. 
That I may be sure to take another way.  Emil. 
Nothing could so soon persuade me to tell you as that.  Stanf. 
What are they gone? they have locked the door too!  Emil. 
I wonder what they leave us alone for.  Stanf. 
Heaven knows, unless it be to be troublesome to one another as they have been to us.  They walk up and down and take little notice of one another. Emil. 
I am sure I have most reason to fear it.  Stanf. 
You most reason? when did you see a man so foolish as a Woman?  Emil. 
When I see you.  Stanf. 
No, no, none of our sex will dispute folly with yours.  Emil. 
That's hard, I find nothing but Owls among the best of you; your young men are all positive, forward, conceited Coxcombs, and your old men all formal nothings, that would have their sullen gravity mistaken for wisdom.  Stanf. 
This is not altogether so much Impertinence as I expected from one of your sex, but let me tell you, I have too often suffered by Women, not to fear the best of 'em, there being nothing to be found in most of the sex, but vanity, pride, envy and hypocrisy, uncertainty and giddiness of humour, the furious desires of the young make 'em fit to be seduced by the flesh, as the envy and malice of the old prepare 'em to be led away by the Devil.  Emil. 
I must confess I don't perceive yet that you are altogether so ridiculous as the rest of Mankind, but let me tell you, I have Reason to fear you will be so, perhaps your impertinence is an Ague that haunts you by fits.  Stanf. 
That disease in the best of Women is quotidian, and if you be not infected, you must be the most Extraordinary Woman in the World.  Emil. 
I would give Money to see a man that is not so as the Rabble do, to see a Monster since all men I have ever seen are most intolerable Fops, would it not distract one to see Gentlemen of 5000 l. a year write Plays, and as Poets venture their Reputations against a sum of Money, they venture theirs against Nothing, others learn Ten years to play o' the Fiddle and to Paint, and at last an Ordinary Fiddler or Sign-Painter that makes it his business shall outdo 'em all.  Stanf. 
This looks like sense, I find she does understand something.  aside. Emil. 
Others after twenty or thirty years' study in Philosophy arrive no further then at the Weighing of Carps, the Invention of a travailling Wheel, or the poisoning a Cat with the oil of Tobacco, these are your Wits and Vertuoso's.  Stanf. 
I must confess this is not so ill as I expected from you; but it does not less distract me to see a young Lady fall in Love with a vain empty fellow not worth a Groat, perhaps for dancing of a Jig, or singing of a Stanza of fashionable Nonsense, another on the contrary so insatiably covetous, for money, to marry old age, infirmity, and diseases, and the same bait that persuades 'em to Matrimony shall entice 'em into Adultery.  Emil. 
This is not so foppish as I believed, yet though this be a great Truth, 'tis a very impertinent thing of you to tell me what I know already.  Stanf. 
How the Devil should I know that, I am sure not many of your sex are guilty of so much discretion as to discern these things.  Emil. 
I am sure you have not much that cannot distinguish between those that have and have not.  Stanf. 
I must confess I am a little surprised to find a Woman have so little vanity, I could never endure the Society of any of the sex better than yours.  Emil. 
To be plain with you, you are not so troublesome ●●op as I have seen.  Stanf. 
What the Devil makes me think this Woman not impertinent? and yet I cannot help it, what an Owl am I?  aside. Emil. 
I have been so cruelly tormented, and without intermission too, that this seems some Refreshment to me.  Stanf. 
Why should I be catched thus, but I'll keep my folly to myself▪— aside. I can bear this with a little more patience; but if you To her. should grow much Impertinent, I should venture to break open the Door for my Liberty, I can assure you.  Emil. 
Pray Heaven you don't give me the first occasion [too him. Well I know not what's the matter, but I like this man strangely; but, What a Fool am I?  Stan. 
How like a Woodcock am I ensnar'd; a [To himself, to him▪ Curse on Lovel for leaving me alone with her.  Emil. 
What do they intend to keep us prisoners forever.  Stan. 
I care not how long; [Aside. I think they intent to deal with us as they do with [To her. Juries, shut us up till we agree of our Verdict.  Emil. 
That would be longer than the Siege of Troy 〈◊〉.  Stan. 
This is not half so bad though as our late persecutions, That's one Comfort.  Emil. 
It fares with me like one upon a Rock, that is a little loossened from his pains; 'tis pleasure to him when he compares his torments, though those he has left may be intolerable too.  Stanf. 
In this we agree, though in nothing else.  Emil. 
I would to Heaven we did in all things; I am [Aside. tormented with myself, that am forced by the Ridiculous Custom of Women to dissemble, and that way endure my own foppery— Ah dear Stanford.  [Aside. Stanf. 
How now! she smiled, and suddenly checked the Liberty she took.  [Aside. Emil. 
O Heaven! I fear he has discovered something.  [Aside. Stan. 
There must be something in't, I like her very well, but am resolved not to disclose it what e'er comes on't; for, that will make her vain, though she be not already.  [aside. Emili. 
Why don't you break open the door, Sir,  Stan. 
I don't find much reason for't yet.  Emili. 
I could find in my heart to give you enough.  Stan. 
Nay, I doubt not but 'tis in your Nature. What can the meaning of this be? Is there nothing but Riddle in Woman?  aside. Roger. 
Hold, hold, Mr. Huff: my Master charged me of all men living to keep you out of his sight.  Enter Huff and unlocks the door, and Roger after him, & lays hold on him. Huff. 
Prithee stand by you saucy Coxcomb.  Roger. 
Nay, Sir, be not so boisterous; upon my word you pass no further.  Huff. 
Prithee (dear Roger) don't put this upon me.  Roger. 
My Master says it costs him two pieces a time to be rid of you.  Huff. 
Prithee let me go, and you shall go my halves.  Roger. 
Are you in earnest?  Huff. 
Yes upon my Honour.  Roger. 
Nay then speed ye, but be sure you sink nothing.  [exit Roger. Huff. 
I warrant you.  Stan. 
Is he here! hold, hold, hold, here's your two pieces, don't trouble me now.  Huff. 
Your humble Servant, I'll return 'em again to morrow without fail: Ha! Do they come so easily; there are more from whence these came: O Sir, I'll tell you, I have had the severest fortune that ever man had.  Stan. 
Away, away.  Huff. 
For Heaven's sake hear, it's the most prodigious thing you ever heard.  Emil. 
What will this World come to?  Huff. 
I was playing at Back-Gammon for my Dinner, which I won; and from thence we came to five up for half a piece; of the first set I had three for love and lost it▪ of the second I Gammoned him, and threw Doublets at last, which you know made four, and lost that too; of the third I won never a Game.  Stanf. 
O Devil! Is this the Miraculous thing you would tell me, Farewell.  Huff. 
Hold, hold, Sir! you don't hear the end on't.  Stan. 
Nor do I desire it, Sir.  Huff. 
I'll tell you, Sir, of the fourth set I was four to two, and for the last game my Tables were filled up, and I had born my three odd men, so that you know I had two upon every point.  Emili. 
O insufferable! though I feel enough myself, yet I cannot but pity Stanford.  [to herself. Stan. 
O Damned Impertinence! Sir, I tell you, I don't understand Back-Gamon.  Huff. 
Not understand Back-Gamon: Sir, that you may understand well what I say, I'll tell you what Back-Gamon is.  Emili. 
This is worse than t'other: sure Stanford has some Charm about him, that I can suffer this rather than leave him.  [to herself. Stan. 
I desire none of your Instructions.  Huff. 
Well: then as I was a saying, I had just two upon every point, and he had two Men to enter; and as the Devil would have it, my next throw was Size-Ace; he entered one of his Men a Size; then Mr. Stanford, to see the Damned luck on't, I threw Size-Sinke next, and the very next throw he entered upon a Sink, and having his Game very backward, won the Game, and afterwards he Set so, that I lost every penny.  Stanford. 
This will distract me; What the devil's this to me?  Huff. 
No: but did you ever hear the like in your life?  Stan. 
This puts me beyond all patience.  Huff. 
But this was not all; for just in the Nick came she that Nursed my three last Children that were born without Wedlock, and threatened to turn 'em upon my hands if I did not pay her.— 'Faith Mr. Stanford three Pieces more will do my business; upon my Honour I'll pay you to morrow: Come will you Communicate?  Stan. 
Yes that, that's fitter for you—  Huff. 
What is that Dear Heart?  Stanf. 
'Tis that Sir▪—  [kicks him. Huff. 
That Sir, I don't understand you; if you go to that Sir: There's a business indeed. What do you mean by this? What would you make a quarrel, Sir? You'll never leave those tricks: I have told you of 'em often enough. What the Devil do you mean by that?  Stan. 
Let this expound my meaning.—  Kicks him again: Huff. 
'Slife, Sir, I don't understand you: and ye talk of these things, and these businesses, Sir, I'd have you know, I scorn to be kicked as much as any man breathing, Sir; and you be that Sport, your Servant, your Servant, Sir.  Enter Roger at the Door. Roger. 
Come Mr. Huff, Divide.  Huff. 
Divide! There's one for you, for two of 'em was all I got.  Gives Roger a Kick. Roger. 
This you might have kept to yourself if you had pleased, but, D'ye think I'll be served thus?  Huff. 
Let me go.  Rog. 
I'll not leave you so.—  Exit Roger and Huff. Emil. 
Why don't you go? the Doors open now, Sir.  Stan. 
I am afraid I shall light into worse Company.  Emili. 
O Sir, that's impossible!  Stan. 
How vain this is of you; now would you give me a fair occasion to flatter you, but I can assure you, you shall miss of your design.  Emil. 
Well, this is an extraordinary man; I love the [Aside. very sight of him: I wonder, Sir, you'll be so foppish to [To him. imagine I love to be flattered; I hate flatterers worse than our new Poets  Stan. 
What an Owl am I to like this Woman! sure I am bewitched.  Emil. 
Aside. Well, Sir, Farewell: and yet I would not leave him.  She offers to go out. Stan. 
You'd e'en as good stay, Madam, while you are well: you may perhaps if you go, encounter some of your Persecutors.  Emil. 
I'd rather stay here then venture that; my trouble is not here so insupportable.  Stan. 
She must be a rare Woman! [Aside. Nor perhaps is not like to be, unless it comes from your [To her. self▪ But I think there's less vanity in you then in most women I have seen.  Emil. 
This is a most excellent person.  [Aside. Stan. 
Dear Emilia. [Aside. O Heaven! Is he here?  Enter Sir Positive. Sir Posit. 
jack; Hark ye.  Stan. 
For Heaven's sake! I have business.  Sir Posit. 
'Tis all one for that, Sir; Why I'll tell you.  Stan. 
Another time; I beseech you done't interrupt me now.  Sir Posit. 
'Faith but I must interrupt you.  Emilia. 
What can be the matter he listens to him.  [Aside. Stan. 
'Slife, Why should you put this upon me now.  Sir Posit. 
If you refuse me, I'll blast your Reputation.  Stan. 
What shall I do? though this be a Coxcombly-Knight, yet the Puppies stout; are you so cunning in [To him. persecuting me, to put a thing upon me I cannot refuse: well Sir, remember this.  Emil. 
What can this mean?  [Aside. Stan. 
Come, Sir, I'll follow you, but a Curse upon you for finding me out: Madam, as soon as I have dispatched this business, 'tis possible I may see you again.  Emili. 
But 'tis not, I'll assure you; I'll never see the Face of one, that has so little sense to be seduced by such an Idiot as that is.  Stanf. 
How ridiculous is this of you, to Judge of a thing before you know the Bottom on't.  Sir Posit. 
Come, Stanford, prithee come away  [Exeunt. Emil. 
Have I found you? this Fellows as bad as any, and without doubt did but Counterfeit his humour, to insinuate himself into my good opinion. What lucky Accident is this has undeceived me? I felt a passion growing in me might else have proved dangerous— Luce—  [enter Luce. Luce. 
Madam.  Emil. 
Fetch my Hoods and Scarves, I'll take a walk in the Fields.  [exit Luce. Carol. 
How Sister! What have you lost your Gallant:  Enter Lovel and Carolina Emil. 
O Sister, I thank you for locking me up with that Fellow; well, the time may come when I may be quit with you.  [exit. Carol. 
I wonder how the Door came open; I believe there has been hard bickering betwixt 'em: but, I find my Sister is Conqueror, and your Friend is fled for the same.  Lov. 
Fare well he, let us mind ourselves. Come, 'Faith Madam, Why should you and I hover so long about this Matrimony; Like a Cast of Falcons about a Hern that dare not stoop.  Carol. 
O Sir, the Quarry does not Countervail the Danger.  Lov. 
I'll warrant you, Madam; but let's railly no longer, there is a Parson at Knightsbridge that yokes all stray People together, we'll to him, he'll dispatch us presently, and send us away as lovingly as any two Fools that ever yet were condemned to Marriage.  Caro. 
I should be inclinable enough to cast myself upon you; but I am afraid you are gone so far with my Lady Vain, you can never come off with Honour: Besides, I am sure, what e'er you say, you cannot so soon forget your kindness to her; and if after we are yoked, as you call it, you should draw that way, I should draw another; and then our Yoke would go near to Throttle us.  Lovel. 
Faith some would think it much the easier if 'twere wide enough to draw both ways: But Madam, Will you never be serious with me?  Carol. 
I know you cannot love me, she's your delight.  Lov. 
Yes, yes, I delight in her as I do in the Tooch-Ache; I love her immoderately, as an English Tailor loves a French Tailor that's set up the next door to him.  Carol. 
Sir, to keep you no longer in suspense, I am resolved never to Marry without my Father's Consent.  Lov. 
Madam, I'll not despair of obtaining that.  Carol. 
He has Vowed never to Marry me till he has disposed of my Elder Sister.  Lov. 
Will you assure me to make me happy when that's done?  Carol. 
I think I may safely promise any thing against that time; for, as long as my Sister has these Mellanchollick-Humors, she's far enough from that danger.  Lov. 
I'll warrant you I'll make a Match yet between Stanford and her.  Carol. 
That's impossible, unless you can alter their Natures▪ for though neither finds Impertinence in themselves, they I find it in one another: besides, their very Principles are against all Society.  Lov. 
Well, Madam, I have a way to make 'em stark mad in love with one another; or at least fetch 'em out of their Sullenness: We will perpetually bait 'em with our Fools, and by that we shall either plague 'em out of their humour, or at least make their fellow-sufferings be a means to endear 'em one to another.  Exeunt. Enter Sir Positive, Standford, and two Clerks. Sir Posit. 
Now will I firk my two Clerks.  2 Clerk. 
But, Sir, before we engage, I would satisfy my Conscience whether the Cause be just or no?  Stan. 
Hang the Cause, we come to fight.  Sir Posit. 
Why, I'll tell you the Cause, Sir.  Stan. 
By no means, Sir Positive, we come to fight here, not to tell stories.  Sir Posit. 
we'll fight too; but by your leave I'll tell the Cause first, and you were my Father.  Stan. 
Hold, Sir, think upon your Honour, this is no place for Words; Let your Sword speak your Mind.  Sir Posit. 
Sir, by your Pardon, I am resolved to satisfy 'em; no man in England knows how to manage these things better than myself, take that from me.  Stan. 
O horrid Impertinence, I fear these Fool's Tongues more than I can their Swords.  Sir Posit. 
Sir, no man in England would put up this affront; Why look you, Sir, for him to sit in the Eighteen Pence Gallery, pray mark me, and rail at my Play aloud the first day, and did all that lay in his power to damn it: And let me tell you, Sir, if in any Dramatic Poem there has been such breaks, such Characters, such Figures, such Images, such Heroic Patterns, such Heights, such Flights, such Intrigues, such Surprises, such Fire, Salt, and Flame, than I am no Judge: I understand nothing in this World.  Stanf. 
What a Cause his Valour has found out; and how he Cants too; What an Owl was I to come along with him; Sir Positive dispatch. Come, come, Gentlemen.  Sir Pos. 
Hold a little—  2 Clerk. 
Why look you Mr. Timothy, this is a very honest and in enious Gentleman for aught I see.  1 Clerk. 
'Tis true, I sat in the Eighteen Pence Gallery, but I was so far from railing against your Play, that I cried it up as high as I could.  Sir Posit. 
How high did you cry it up?  1 Clark. 
Why as high as the upper Gallery, I am sure of that.  Stanf. 
O Cowardly Curs! Will they never fight: Ye lie, ye did Rail at his Play.  1 Clerk. 
Sir, I'll hold you twenty pound I don't lie; Sir, Were you there? Did you hear me? This is the strangest thing in the World.  Stanf. 
Will nothing make these Rogues fight? You are both Rascally Cowards.  2 Clerk. 
'Tis strange you should say so, you are very uncharitable; Do you know either of us?  Stan. 
Oh insufferable! What Sons of Whores has he picked up, and what an occasion too?  Sir Posit. 
Why do you say, you did not Rail; Did not I sit just under you in the Pit?  2 Clerk. 
Lord! Who would expect to see a Poet in the Pitt at his own Play?  Sir Posit. 
Did not you say, Fie upon't, that shall not pass!  Stan. 
Gentlemen! either Fight quickly.—  Sir Posit. 
Hold hold, let him speak; What can you say? Do Gentlemen write to oblige the World, and do such as you traduce 'em— ha—  1 Clerk. 
Sir, I'll tell you, you had made a Lady in your Play so unkind to her Lover (who methought was a very honest well-meaning-Gentleman) to command him to hang himself; Said I then that shall not pass, thinking indeed the Gentleman would not have done it, but he indeed did it, than said I fie upon't that he should be so much over-taken.  Sir Posit. 
Overtaken! that's good i'faith, why you had as good call the Gentleman fool: and 'tis the best Character in all my Play. De'think I'll put that up.  1 Clerk. 
Not I Sir as I hope to live; I would not call the Gentleman Fool for all the World, but 'tis strange a man must pay eighteen pence, and must not speak a word for't.  Sir Pos. 
Not when Gentlemen write; take that from me.  2 Clerk. 
No, I would they would let it alone then.  aside. Sir Pos. 
But Stanford it would make an Author mad to see the Invincible Ignorance of this age, now for him to hang himself at the Command of his Mistress there's the surprise, and I'll be content to hang myself, if ever that was shown upon a stage before, besides 'twas an Heroic Cato-like Action, and there's great Love and Honour to be shown in a man's hanging himself for his Mistress, take that from me.  Stanf. 
O horrid! this Magisterial Coxcomb will defend any thing.  Sir Pos. 
What do you think Stanford, you are a great Judge?  Stanf. 
I think a Halter is not so honourable as a Poniard, and therefore not so fit to express Love and Honour with.  Sir Pos. 
Ha, ha, ha' To see your mistake now that's the only thing in the Play I took pains for, I could have made it otherwise with ease, but I will give you seventeen reasons why a Halter's better than a Poniard. First, I'll show you the posture of hanging, look, d'ye mind me, it is the posture of a Pensive dejected Lover with his hands before him, and his head aside thus.  Stanf. 
I would you had a Halter you would demonstrate it more clearly.  Sir Pos. 
'Faith, and would I had, I'd show it you to the life— but secondly—  Stanf. 
Hold Sir— I am convinced, to our fighting business again; but they have given you full satisfaction,  
Let's away—  Sir Posit. 
No, no, hold a little.  Stanf. 
A Curse on him! did I leave Emilia for this?  Sir Pos. 
Sir, if you'll see your hand to this Certificate 〈◊〉 satisfied, otherwise you must take what follows.  1 Clerk. 
Sir! with all my heart, I'll do any thing to serve you.  Sir Pos. 
I had this ready on purpose, for I was resolved if we had fought, and I had disarmed him, I'd have made him do't before I'd have given him his life, how do you write yourself?  1 Clerk. 
Timothy Scribble a Justice of Peace his Clerk.  Sir Posit. 
Here read it, and set your hand to it.  1 Clerk 
reads I do acknowledge and firmly believe that the play of Sir Positive Att-all Knight, called the Lady in the Lobster, notwithstanding it was damned by the Malice of the Age, shall not only read, but it shall Act with any of Ben. johnson's and Beaumont's and Fletcher's Plays.  Sir Pos. 
Hold, hold! I'll have Shakespeare's in, 'slife I had like to have forgot that.  1 Clerk 
reads With all my heart.  
I do likewise hereby attest that he is no Purloiner of other men's Works, the general fame and opinion notwithstanding, and that he is a Poet, Mathematician, Divine, Statesman, Lawyer, Physician, Geographer, Musician, and indeed a Unus in Omnibus through all Arts and Sciences, and hereunto I have set my hand the day of  1 Clerk▪ 
With all my heart.  Sir Pos. 
Come Sir, do you Witness it.  2 Clerk. 
Ay Sir.  he sets his hand. Sir Pos. 
In presence of jacob Dash.  1 Clerk. 
Look you Sir I write an indifferent good hand, if you have any occasion to command me, inquire at the Stationers at Furnivals Inn.—  Stanf. 
Why you Impudent Rascals! how dare you; offers to come into the Field? must I be diverted thus long by kick 'em. you?  Sir Pos. 
Hold Stafford! I cannot in honour suffer that now they are my Friends, and after this satisfaction I am bound in honour to defend 'em to the last drop of blood.  Stanf. 
O intolerable!  1 Clerk. 
Sir! I pray be not angry! we did not come into the 〈◊〉 to fight, but Master Dash and I came to play a match at Trap-ball for a Dish of Steaks at Gloster-hall, and here you found us.  Sir Pos. 
Have you the Confidence to talk of Trap-ball before me, nay, now you are my Enemies again: hark you Stanford I'll play with 'em both for 5 cool. why I was so eminent at it when I was a Schoolboy, that I was called Trap Positive all over the School.  Stanf. 
Then farewell good Sir Positive Trap.  Sir Pos. 
Dear Stanford stay but one quarter of an hour, and you shall see how I'll dishonour 'em both at Trap-ball— They talk of Trap-ball, ha, ha, ha.  Stanf. 
'Slife what will become of me: out of the field you inconsiderable Rascals. Must I be diverted thus by you—  They run out. Exeunt omnes. Enter Emilia and her Maid at one Door, Ninnie and Woodcock at tother. Emil. 
I thought we might have been free here: and here are these Puppy's.  Wood 
Let's aboard of 'em, who e'er they are, fa, lafoy, lafoy, how now Dear Hearts? by the L. Harry its pity you should walk without a Couple of Servants, here's a Couple of Bully-Rocks will serve your turn, as well as Two of Buckram, Dear Hearts.  Emil. 
O Heaven!—  aside. Lice. 
Gentlemen this is very rude! we shall have them come shall thank you for't.  Ninn. 
As I hope to breathe Ladies you look the pretty'st in Vizard Masks of any Ladies in England.  Wood 
And now you talk of Masks, I'll show you an admirable Song upon a Vizard Mask, Dear Hearts, of Poet Ninny's making.  Emil. 
Oh abominable Impudence!  Wood 
But I must beg your pardon that I cannot sing it, for I am hoarse already with singing it to the Maids of Honour.  Luce. 
You sing it to the Maids of Honour?  Wood 
But if I had a Violin here, no man in England can express any thing more lusciously upon that then myself, ask Ninnie else.  Ninn. 
Yes Ladies! he has great power upon the Violin, he has the best double Relish in Gam-ut of any man in England, but for the little finger on the left hand no man in Europe outdoes him.  Wood 
You may believe him, Dear Hearts, for he's a great Judge of Music, and as pretty a Poet as ever writ Couplet.  Emil. 
O horrid! what's this? there's no way to scape, but to discover ourselves.  they pull off their masks. Ninn. 
Emilia! what shall I do? I am undone, she'll never own me again.  Emil. 
Farewell you Baboons, and learn better manners.  Wood 
'Slife she'll take me for a Whoremaster, I am nipped in the very blossom of my hopes.  Ninn. 
For heavens' sake, pardon me Madam.  Emil. 
Let me go.  Wood 
No Madam, we'll wait on your Ladyship home.  Emil. 
This is worse and worse.  Enter Huff. Huff. 
Heart! if I put up this, I'll give him leave to use me worse than a Bayley that arrests in the Inns of Court.  Wood 
Why! what's the matter?  Huff. 
'Slife kick a man of honour as I am, I'll pistol him pissing against a Wall.  Luce. 
Ay then or never to my knowledge.  Wood 
What's the business Dear Heart, hah?  Huff. 
Sir, I'll tell you.  Emil. 
This is a lucky Occasion.  Ex. Emil. Luce. Ninn. 
Are you gone, I'll follow you.  Ex. Ninn. Huff. 
I had occasion for four or five Pieces to make up a Sum with, and went to borrow it of him, and he like an uncivil fellow as he was—  Wood 
What did he?  Huff. 
Why I did but turn my back, and he like an ill-bred sot, gives me a kick or two of the breech, I'll cut his throat if I should meet him in a Church.  Wood 
This will be an ill business; I am sorry for my Friend jack Stanford.— for Master Huffs honour aside, is disturbed and I fear he'll revenge it bloodily, for he understands puntilioes to a hair, but I'll endeavour to prevent it however.  Huff. 
If he be above ground I'll cutt's throat for't, I'll teach him to use a man of honour thus, if he had pleased he might have dealt with me at another rate, as I hope to live I had a fighting Sword by my side near six foot long at that very time, and he to kick a man, P'shaw He does not understand his business, but I shall find him presently.  Ex. Huff. Enter Ninnie. Ninn. 
Pox on't Woodcock she would not let me go with her.  Wood 
Prithee, Dear Heart, see if thou canst find Jack Stanford in the Fields, while I go and feel if I can find him in the Town.  Ninn. 
What's the matter?  Ninn. 
'Tis a business concerns his life, Dear Heart, ask no questions, but if you find him, bring him to the Sun.  Exit▪ Ninn. 
What can this be?  
But I'll go see if I can find him out,  
So to be sure of what I ' me now in doubt▪  
Fin. Act. tertii.   

Act. IU.  Enter Lady Vain and Carolina. La. Va. 
COme Madam, I am not so blind, but I have discovered something.  Car. 
What have you discovered Madam?  La. Va. 
Let me tell you, Madam, 'tis not for your honour to give meetings privately to Master Lovel.  Car. 
Why Madam, if I should, are you concerned in it?  La. Vain. 
Yes, Madam, first in my good Wishes to your Ladyship, I would not have the World blame your Conduct, not that you should have the least blemish in your honour, but that your Fame and Virtue should continue unspotted and undefiled as your Ladyship's Beauty is.  Car. 
Fear not, Madam, I'll warrant you I'll secure my honour without your Instructions.  Enter lovel softly, and comes just behind them. La. Vain. 
But, Madam, let me tell you again, no Woman has really that right in Master Lovel that I have: but he's false Wretch Madam, he has no Religion in him, if he had any Conscience, or had used to have heard Sermons, he would never have been so wicked and perfidious to a poor Innocent Woman as I am.  Lov. 
This is very fine i'faith—  to himself. La. Vain. 
Madam, he protested all the honourable kindness in the World to me, and has received Favours from me, I shall not mention at this time, and now he has raised the siege from before me, and laid it to your Ladyship.  Car. 
I cannot imagine what you mean by this?  La. Va. 
And Madam to confess my Weakness to you, I must needs say, I love him of all men in the World.  Car. 
Well, Madam, since you do, I'll resign my Interest in the Gentleman you speak of, here he is.  La. Va. 
Oh Heaven! am I betrayed? well, Madam, I shall acquaint your father with your Amour.  Lov. 
Hold, Madam, if you do perhaps I may whisper something in Sir Positive's ear.  La. Vain. 
Sir! you will not be so ungenerous to boast of a Lady's kindness: if he should say the least thing in the World after my unhandsome leaving of him just now, it would incense him past reconciliation, what a confusion am I in?  Ex. La. Vain. Lov. 
Is not this very pleasant Madam?  Car. 
I wonder, Sir, after what has now passed you have the confidence to look me in the face.  Lov. 
I like this raillery very well, Madam.  Car. 
I can assure you, you shall have no reason to think I railly with you.  Lov. 
Certainly you cannot be in Earnest.  Car. 
Upon my word you shall find I am, I will have nothing to do with any man that's engaged already.  Lov. 
You amaze me, Madam.  Car. 
I'll never see you more—  Enter Stanford. Stanf. 
O friend! I'm glad I've found you.  Lov. 
I shall have no opportunity to appease my Mistress▪ if I do not get rid of him, but I have a trick for him.  aside. Stanf. 
Would this woman were away, that I might acquaint you with the greatest concernment I ever had.  Lov. 
Step into that Chamber quickly, and I'll get rid of her, and come to you.—  Stanf. 
With all my heart—  Exit Stanford. Lov. 
Certainly, Madam, you cannot know this Woman so little as to give her Credit? I'll tell you what she is.  Car. 
I am very glad I know you so well: do you think I'll be put off with a Remnant of your Love?  Enter Roger. Roger. 
O! Master Lovel! is my Master here? I have lost him these two hours.  Lov. 
Ay, ay, but Madam, for heavens' sake hear me!  Car. 
Trouble me no more.  Exit Carolina, Lovel follows her. Rog. 
Where is this Master of mine: I have been seeking him these two hours, and cannot light of him.  Enter Huff. Huff. 
Oh Roger! where's your Master?  Roger. 
O Sir! you shall excuse me for that.  Huff. 
Prithee dear Rogue tell me, 'twill be better for thee.  Rog. 
No, no, that won't do, you were not so just to me last time.  Huff. 
Upon my honour I was: Why shouldst thou distrust thy friend?  Rog. 
Come Sir, don't think to Wheadle me at this rate!  Huff. 
I am a son of a Whore if I was not just to you: but prithee bring me to him once more: I am sure to get money of him, and may I perish if I do not give you your share to a farthing.  Rog. 
Well! I'll trust you once more: go, and stay for me in the Hall, and I'll come to you when I have found my Master, who is somewhere in this house.  Huff. 
Well! I'll wait for you—  Exit. Rog. 
My comfort is, if he gets money I may have my share, if not he ventures a kicking again, and I venture nothing.  Enter Stanford and Emilia. Rog. 
Oh Sir! I have been seeking you these two hours, and here's Master Lovel in the house.  Stanf. 
You Rascal, must you trouble me too?—  offers to strike him. Emil. 
He does not trouble you more than you do me.  Stanf. 
Now are you like a young hound that runs away with a false scent.  Emili. 
For Heaven's sake leave me.  Stanf. 
Nay! This is like a Woman, to condemn a man unheard.  Emili. 
Must I be for ever pestered with Impertinent people?  Stanf. 
If you were not so yourself, you would not think me so; but she that has the Yellow Jaundice thinks every thing yellow which she sees.  Emili. 
Is it possible you can have the impudence to endeavour to justify your folly.  Stan. 
Not that I care much for satisfying you, but to vindicate myself from the unjust aspersion: know it was my honour obliged ' me to go along with that Foole.  Emili. 
Out of my sight; Are you one of those Fops that talk of honour?  Stan. 
Is that a thing so despicable with you? he asked me to be his second, which I could not in honour refuse.  Emil. 
Granting that barbarous custom of Duels; Can any thing be so ridiculous, as to venture your life for another man's quarrel, right or wrong?  Stan. 
I like this Woman more and more, like a sot as I am▪ sure there is Witchcraft in't.—  aside. Emil. 
But to do the greatest Act of Friendship in the World for the greatest Owl in Nature.  Enter Huff. Huff. 
Oh Mr▪ Stanford, I have a business to impart to you.  Stan. 
O insufferable! Have you the Impudence to trouble me again.  Emi. 
I know not what's the matter, but I cannot but have some inclination to this fellow yet.  aside. Huff. 
I am going into the City, where I shall have the rarest Bubble that ever man had; he was set me by a Renegado-Linnen-Draper, that failed last year in his Credit, and has now no other trade but to start the Game, whilst we pursue the Chase. This is one of these fellows that draw in the Youth of the City into our Decoy, and perpetually walk up and down seeking for Prey.  Stan. 
Be gone! and leave me.  Huff. 
But you know a man must have a little Gold to show, to bait the Rogues withal.  Stan. 
Out, you unseasonable Rascal, I'll send you hence.  — Draws. Huff. 
Nay, 'tis not that Sir can fright me, but that I would not disturb the Lady, I'd make you know.  Stan. 
You impudent Villain, I'll send you further.  Follows Huff, and runs away huffing. Huff. 
Nay, Sir, your humble Servant and you go to that, Sir; I care as little for a Sword, Sir, as any man upon Earth: I fear your Sword? Who dares say it? your Servant, your Servant.—  (Ex. Huff Emil. 
This is not altogether so foolish as fighting in Sir Positive's Quarrel.  Stanf. 
Sir Positives quarrel! 'twas in effect my own; for I was sure to meet with some impertinent Fellow or other for my Enemy, and was glad of this opportunity to vent my indignation upon one of those many that have tormented me; I had rather fight with them all, then converse with them.  Emil. 
But you may choose whether you will do either.  Stanf. 
Yes, as much as choose whether I'll breathe or no.  Emili. 
But how could you be sure to meet with such an one.  Stanf. 
What Question is that? Is it not above 5000 to one odds?  Emil. 
aside. I am glad he has brought himself well off, for I must like him, do what I can, he must be a man of sense▪ I must confess, the business is not altogether so ill as I imagined.  To him. Stanf. 
Now Madam, who is impertinent, you or I?  Emil. 
You are to say the same thing twice to me.  Stan. 
Well! this is a rare Woman: what a quick apprehension she has. I love her strangely, the more Coxcomb I, that I should be drawn in of all men living.  aside Enter Woodcock. Wood 
O Dear heart, have I met with thee; I have been seeking thee all the Town over.  Stanf. 
Heart, What's this? I was going in great haste just as you came, adieu.  Wood 
Ah dear Jack, I have not so little honour as to leave thee in this condition.  Stanf. 
Good Sir! What condition? I am not Drunk, am I?  Wood 
No, Ga'd, would it were no worse, Dear heart.  Stanf. 
It cannot be worse, do not trouble me.  Wood 
No, I'll tell thee jack; Huff threatens Embraces and kisses him. thee to cut thy Throat where ever he meets thee; and I came my Dear Bully-Rock to offer thee the Service of my sword and arm.  Stanf. 
For Heaven's sake put not this upon me; Do you think he that would be kicked without resistance, dares do any thing?  Wood 
But look you, Dear Heart, Lord this is the strangest thing in the World, you had Ladies with you, and you know it had been an uncivil thing to have turned again then jack: but now he's resolved to have satisfaction, he told me so; And if I can see as far into a Millstone as another, he's no Bully Sandy.  Stanf. 
Trouble me no more: be gone—  Wood 
Ay, ay, thou dost this now to try whether I have so little honour as to quit thee, but it won't pass, my dear Rascal; kiss me, I'll live and die with thee.  Stanf. 
Sir, let me tell you, this is very rude: and upon my word I have no quarrel unless you'll force one upon me.  Emil. 
Still do I like this man better and better.—  Aside. Wood 
Nay, than I smell a Rat— Farewell jack— Servant, Dear Hearts.  Ex. Woodcock. Enter Lovel, Carolina, Roger. Carol. 
But, are you sure my Lady Vain is such a one.  Lov. 
Yes, that I am, my little peevish Jealous Mistress.  Carol. 
Yes, yes, I have reason to be jealous of such a Treasure as you are: But pray, to satisfy a little scruple I have, see her no more.  Stanf. 
We had best change the Scene, I think, what if you should walk out a little.  Emili. 
I care not much if I do.  Stanf. 
I could find in my heart to go along with you.  Emili. 
Yes, and leave me again for your Honour forsooth.  Stanf. 
How Devilishly impertinent is this for you to harp upon one string still.  Lovel. 
Let's pursue our design.  Enter sir Positive. Carol. 
Agreed: and to our wish here comes my Cousin Positive.  Sir Posit. 
Oh! Have I found you: I'll tell you the pleasantest thing in the World.  Stan. 
Sir, I am just now going to a Lawyer of the Temple to ask his Council.  Sir Posit. 
P'shaw, p'shaw; save thy Money, what needest thou do that, I'll do't for you; why I have more Law, than ever Cook upon Littleton had; you must know, I am so eminent at that, that the greatest Lawyers in England come to me for advice in matters of difficulty: Come, state your Case, let's hear't, Come.— Hold, hold Cousin, Whither Emilia offers to go out. are you going.  Emili. 
Let me go, I am going in haste to bespeak a Seal.  Sir Posit. 
A Seal; Why dost thou know what thou dost now? To go about that without my advice: Well, I have given Symons and all of 'em such Lessons, as I have made 'em stand in admiration of my Judgement: Do you know that I'll cut a Seal with any man in England for a thousand Pound.  Roger. 
I have my Lesson, I'll warrant you I'll do't.  exit. Emili. 
O Heaven!  
I must go now to bespeak it; I am to send it immediately to my Sister at the English Nunnery in Bruges.  Sir Posit. 
Bruges! ah dear Bruges; now you talk of Bruges, I am writing this night to castle Rodrigo, you must know I have thought of their Affairs, and considered 'em thoroughly; and just this very Afternoon I have found out such a way for 'em to preserve Flanders from the French, I defy all Mankind for such an Invention; and I think I offer him very fair, if he will let me divide the Government with him, I'll do't; otherwise if Flanders be lost, 'tis none of my fault.  Lov. 
What is your Design Sir Positive?  Stanf. 
That thou shouldst be so very foppish to ask questions?  Sir Posit. 
I'll tell you, I will this year; pray mark me, I will bring 100000 Men into the Field, d'ye see.  Carol. 
But, Where will you have these Men, Cousin?  Sir Posit. 
Have 'em P'shaw, p'shaw, let me alone for that; I tell thee Stanford, I will bring 100000 men into the Field, 60000 in one Complete body, and 40000 for a flying Army, with which I will enter into the very Body of all France.  Stan. 
O Devil! I had rather Flanders should be lost, then hear any more on't.  Sir Posit. 
But this would signify nothing, unless it were done by one that understands the conduct of an Army, which if I do not, let the World Judge: but to satisfy you, I'll tell you what I'll do, pray mark me, I will take threescore thousand Spanish Soldiers, and fight with 60000 French, and cut 'em off every Man: pray observe one, this is demonstration; then will I take those very numerical Individual Frenchmen I spoke of.  Stanf. 
What, after you have cut 'em off every man.  Sir Posit. 
Pish; What dost talk Man? What's matter whether it be before or after, that's not to the point? P'shaw, prithee done't thee trouble thyself for that, I'll do't man; I will take those very 60000 French and fight with a Spanish Army of 100000, and by my extraordinary Conduct destroy 'em all, this is demonstration, nothing can be plainer than this; by this you may guests whether I may not be a considerable Man to that Nation or no.— Nay, more than that, I'll undertake if I were in Candia, the Grand Visier would sooner expose himself to the fury of the janissaries, then besiege the Town while I were in't.  Emil. 
I cannot tell whether I am more tormented with Sir Positive, or pleased with Stanford, he is an extraordinary man.  Aside Sir Posit. 
But as I was saying, Cousin Emilia; I will have 100000 men in the Field, and I will man the Garrisons to the full: besides pray observe, I will have an infinite store of Provision every where, and pay all my Soldiers to a penny duly.  Carol. 
But where's the Money to do this Cousin?  Emil. 
What shall I do? Whether shall I turn me?  Stan. 
Ah Dear Emilia!  Sir Posit. 
where's the Money, that's good one ' Faith!— Prithee dear Cousin do thou mind thy Guittar; thou dost not understand these things.  Stan. 
I am sure I understand you to be the greatest Coxcomb in Nature.  Sir Posit. 
Then I will make you me a League Offensive and Defensive with the King of England, the Emperor and Princes of Germany, the King's of Sweden and Denmark, the Kings of Portugal and Poland, Prester john, and the Great Cham, the States of Holland, the Grand Duke of Muscovy, the Great Turk, with two or three Christian Princes more, that shall be nameless; and if with that Army, Provision and Alliance, I do not do the business, I am no Judge, I understand nothing in the World.  Enter Roger. Roger. 
O Sir Positive! my Lady Vain would speak with you at your Lodging immediately.  Sir Posit. 
Cod's my life-kins, Stanford, I am heartily sorry I must leave you.  Stan. 
So am not I.  Sir Posit. 
I beg your pardon a thousand times. I vowed Gad I would not leave you but upon this occasion.  Emil. 
How glad am I of the occasion!  Sir Posit. 
going, returns in haste. Well! I hope you'll be so kind to believe, that nothing but my Duty to my Mistress should have made me part with you thus rudely.  Stanf. 
O yes! we do believe it.  Sir Posit. 
But hark you Cousin, and Stanford, you must promise me not to take it ill, as I hope to breathe I mean no incivility in the World.  Emil. 
Oh no, no, by no means.  Sir Posit. 
Your Servant.—  Exit Sir Positive. Carol. 
Come, Lovel, let's follow him, and either prepare him, or find out some others for a fresh encounter.  Lov. 
Allon's, but be sure, Roger, you forget not what I said to you.—  (Ex. Lov. Carolina. Rog. 
I will not, Sir.  Stanf. 
How Courteously he excused himself, for not tormenting us more.  Emil. 
This is the first good turn my Lady Vain e'er did me.  Rog. 
No, Madam, this was my ingenuity; I ne'er saw my Lady Vain, not do I know where she is.  Sir Positive Returns. Sir Posit. 
Cousin and Mr. Stanford, I have considered on't, and I vow to Gad I am so afraid you'll take it ill, that rather than disoblige you, I'll put it off.  Stan. 
O no Sir, by no means; 'twould be the rudest thing in the World to disobey your Mistress.  Sir Posit. 
Nay, 'Faith I see thou art angry now, prithee don't trouble thyself, I'll stay with thee.  Stanf. 
Hell and Damnation! this is beyond all sufferance.  Emil. 
Let me advise you by all means to go to your Mistress.  Sir Posit. 
Well! if you won't take it ill, I'll go; adieu.  Exit Sir Posit. Enter Woodcock, Serjeant, and Musqueteeres. Wood 
That's he, seize him.  Serje. 
Sir, by your leave, you must go to the Captain of the Guard.  Stan. 
O! intolerable! What's the matter now?  Serjaent. 
I do not know, but I guess 'tis upon a quarrel betwixt you and one Lieutenant Huff.  Stanf. 
Was ever any thing so unfortunate as this? Can't you deferr't an hour?  Serje. 
I am commanded by my Officer and dare not disobey.  Stanf. 
How loath am I to leave this Woman; there is something extraordinary in this— Madam; I am willing enough to stay with you, but you see I am forced away:— stay you here Roger.—  Exit with Sergeant and Musqueteers. Emil. 
What an unlucky accident is this? but my misfortunes never fail me.—  Exit. Wood 
So, he's safe, and I have done what I in honour ought to do; and now honest Roger, my dear Bully-Rock, I'll stay with thee, prithee kiss me, thou art the honestest Fellow in the World.  Roger. 
Sir, I am glad I can Repay your Commendations; I have the best news for ye that ever you heard in your life.  Wood 
Me! What is't Dear Heart?  Rog. 
Why, I'll tell you, the Lady Emilia is in love with you.  Wood 
In love with me, fie, fie, Pox on't what a Wheadling Rogue art thou now? Why shouldst thou put this upon thy Friend now?  Roger. 
Sir, this suspicion of yours is very injurious: Let me tell you, that I am sure I have not deserved it from you Sir.  Wood 
Nay, I must confess, I have always found thee an honest Fellow, Dear Heart; but a Pox on't, she can't love me: P'shaw, me? What, what can she see in me to love me for? no, no.  Roger. 
Sir! upon my life, it's true.  Wood 
Ha, ha, Dear Rascal, kiss me, the truth on't is, I have thought some such thing a pretty while, but how the Devil com'st thou to find it out, on my Conscience thou art a Witch.  Rog. 
O Sir! I am great with her Maid Luce, and she told me her Lady fell in love with you for singing, she says you have the sweetest Voice, and the delicatest Method in singing of any man in England.  Wood 
As Gad shall sa'me, she is a very ingenious Woman; Dear Dog, Honest Rascal here, here's for thy News, I'll go in and give her a song immediately—  Exit. Rog. 
How greedily he swallows the bait: but ' these selfconceited Idiots can never know when they are wheadled.  Enter Lovel and Ninnie. Ninn. 
P'shaw, p'shaw, ad'au'tre, ad'au'tre, I can't abide you should put your tricks upon me.  Lov. 
Come, Ninnie, leave Fooling, you know I scorn it, I have always dealt faithful with you.  Ninn. 
aside. I must confess he has always commended my Poems, that's the truth on't: But I am afraid this is impossible, don't Wheadle your friend.  Lov. 
I shall be angry Sir, if you distrust me longer.  
You may neglect this opportunity of raising yourself,  
Do, but perhaps you may never have such another.  Nin. 
Nay▪ but dear Sir, speak! are you in Earnest?  Lov. 
Do you intent to affront me, you had as good give me the lie.  Nin. 
No, dear Sir, I beg your pardon for that, I believe you, But how came you to know it?  Lov. 
Her Sister Carolina told me so, and that she fell in love with you for reading a Copy of your own Verses: she says you read Heroic Verse with the best Grace of any man in England.  Ninn. 
Before George she's in the right of that, but Sir—  Lov. 
'Slife ask no more questions, but to her and strike while the Irons hot: have you done you business Roger?  Rog. 
Most dextrously Sir.  Lov. 
Let's away—  Ex. Lov. and Roger. Ninn. 
Love me? I am o'erjoyed, I am sure I have loved her a great while.  Enter Emilia, Woodcock following her singing. Wood 
Fa, lafoy, lafoy, lafoy, etc.  Emil. 
Heaven! this will distract me, what a vile noise he makes worse than the Creaking of a Barn door, or a Coach wheel ungreased.  Wood 
This is damned unlucky that he should be here to hinder my design.  aside. Ninn. 
What a pox makes him here, but I'll on in my business Madam, I'll speak you a Copy of Verses of my own that have a great deal of mettle and soul, and flame in'em.  Emil. 
But I will not hear'em, Sir.  Wood 
Alas poor fool he hopes to please her, but it won't do, ha, ha, ha.  aside. Ninn. 
What the devil can she mean by this, sure she can't be in Earnest: No, I have found it; Ay, ay, it must be so, she would not have me speak before him, because she would not have him take notice of her passion, but what care I—  aside he offers to rehearse. Wood 
Prithee Ninnie don't trouble the Lady with your Verses.  Ninn. 
Well, well! Can't you let one alone—  Wood 
Fa, lafoy, lafoy, lafoy, etc.  Emil. 
What horrid Noise is this you make in my Ears? shall I never be free?  Ninn. 
Alas! poor Coxcomb he hopes to please her with his Voice: No, no, he may spare his pains— I am the man.  aside. Wood 
What a pox ails she? She's damnably out of humour what e'res the matter, I am sure Roger would not deceive me of all men? what an ass am I, that I should not find it, she's afraid my singing will encourage him to trouble her; or else she would not have him perceive her kindness—  aside. Emil. 
Sure all the world conspires against me this day?  Wood 
Fa, lafoy, lafoy, lafoy, etc.  Wood sings all the while Ninnie repeats. Ninn. 
reads My Love to that prodigious height does rise,  
'Tis worthy of my heart and of your Eyes:  
First of my heart, which being subdued by you,  
Must for that Reason be both strong and true;  
Then of your Eyes, which Conquerors must subdue:  
And make 'em be both slaves and freemen too;  
Your Eyes which do both dazzle, and delight,  
And are at once the joy, and grief of sight.  
Love that is worthy of your face and fame  
May be a glory, but can be no shame:  
My heart by being o'ercome does stronger prove,  
Strength makes us yield unto your Eyes and Love.  
In this my heart is strong, because 'tis weak,  
This, though I hold my peace, my Love will speak,  
Silence can do more than e'er speech did do,  
For humble silence does do more than woo;  
Under the Rose, which being the sweetest flower  
Shows silence in us has then speech more power.  Ninn. 
Why, what a damned Noise does he make; pox take me Madam, if one can be heard for him▪ Can't you let one alone with one's Verses trow.  Wood 
Poor fellow! alas! he little thinks why I sing now?  aside. Ninn. 
If he thought how pleasant my rehearsing were to her, sure he would not be so rude, but Mum for that.  aside. Enter Luce. Luce. 
O Madam! your father's come to Town, and has brought a Country Gentleman to come a wooing to you: he sent his man before hand to know if you were within, and one of the servants unluckily informed him before I could see him: he says he's the most downright plodding Gentleman the Country can afford.  Emil. 
What will become of me? is there no mercy in store for me?  Wood 
Is he coming— nay then— hem— They both take hold of Emilia, and hold her by force, and sing and repeat as fast again as they did before.— hem.  Ninn. 
I'll make haste before he comes to hinder me.  Emil. 
For heavens' sake let me go.  Wood Ninn. 
Sing Repeat  together. Emil. 
Oh, hold, hold, hold. I faint if you give not over.  Wood 
What a Devil does she mean by this, I am sure she loves me; but perhaps rather than endure the trouble of his Noise, she's willing to dispense with the pleasure of my Voice.  aside Ninn. 
A poise take this Woodcock that he should anger this Lady, as I hope to live he's a very impertinent fellow, for though she was troubled at him, I perceived she was transported with me.  Emil. 
It must be so, I must do ill that good may come on't: This Country-fellow will be the worst plague of all, since he has my father's Authority to back him, I must be forced to subdue my own Nature, and flatter these Coxcombs to get rid of him, for they are so impudent they'll drive him from hence—  Enter Stanford, and overhears. Wood 
Madam, let me ask you in private, how did you like my song, speak boldly Madam, Ninnie does not hear, Dear Heart?  Emil. 
I must needs like it, Sir, or betray my own Judgement.  Wood 
Ah, Dear Roger! thou art a made man for ever. I am the man—  aside. Stanf. 
What's this I hear?  to himself. Ninn. 
How did you like my Verses, Madam?  Emil. 
So well Sir, that I hope you will let me hear 'em often. What am I reduced to?  Stanf. 
Oh Devil what's this?  Ninn. 
How happy shall I be? the truth is I did perceive you were troubled at Woodcocks senseless Song, how we would enjoy ourselves if he were gone?  Stanf. 
Is it possible I should be deceived so much?  Wood 
I'll tell thee Dear Heart, if thou be'st troubled at Ninny's Rhymes, upon my honour I'll beat the Rogue.  Enter Father and Country Gentleman. Fath. 
This is she, Sir.  Con. Gen. 
Your servant, Madam.  Stanf. 
‛ Death she is a very Gossip, and Converses with all sort of fools, not only with patience, but with pleasure too, how civilly she entertains them? That I should be such an Owl to think there could be a woman not impertinent, I have not patience to look upon her longer.—  Ex. Wood 
It won't do Ninnie, her father little thinks she's engaged Dear Heart.  Ninn. 
No, no, her father little thinks she's engaged, aside. nor you neither, to whom— ha, ha, ha, it makes me laugh to think how this Country Gentleman will be boded Woodcock.  Wood 
He may go down Ninny like an Ass as he came, she'll send him down with a flea in's ear take that from me.  Ninn. 
What a poise! he does not know she loves me! does he?  aside. Wood 
Poor fool! I pity him: ha, ha, ha.  Ninn. 
So do I, alack, alack.  Cou. Gent. 
Madam, I am but just now come to Town, you see my Boots are dirty still, but I make bold as the saying is.  Emil. 
More bold than welcome, I assure you Sir.  Cou. Gent. 
Thank you good sweet Madam; this is the most obliging Gentlewoman that ever was—  aside. Fath. 
By this he shows the Impatience of his Love (Daughter.)  Wood 
Madam, I am a son of a Whore, if I have not the best song upon that subject, that ever you heard in your life.  Ninn. 
Before George Madam, I'll repeat you Copy of Verses of my own ten times better than his song.  Wood 
You are an impudent Coxcomb to say so, Dear Heart, And ye lie, and I am satisfied.  Ninn. 
Do I so, Madam, do but you judge.  Fath. 
What can this mean? they are both mad.  sing and repeat together— Ninn. repeats 
I am so impatient for to go to  
my Dear,  
That I run headlong without  
wit or fear.  Ninn. 
What an impertinent fellow are you,  
Woodcock cannot you let one alone.  Repeats 
So great the power of our love is now,  
We can't persuade it reason for to allow.  
Strange Miracle of Cytherea's force,  
For to transform a man into a horse.  Wood sings. 
My love is Cruel grown,  
For to leave me all alone,  
Thus for to sigh, and moan.  
Ah woe is me!  
Peace, Coxcomb, peace.  spoke 
But I'll strive for to find  
My love, though she's unkind,  
So for to ease my mind.  
Oh woe is me!  
hay ho, hay ho, my love,  
Who is so Cruel as Jenny to me.  They offer to sing and repeat again. Fath. 
Hold, hold, are you both mad, is the Devil in you, if he be, I shall have them will conjure him out of you. Come out you Coxcombs, or 'll'le drive you out.—  Ex. Father, Ninnie and Woodcock. Cou. Gent. 
These Gentlemen are as mad as March-Hares, Madam, as the saying is, but to our business, I had not the power as I was a saying, to keep from you longer, Lady, not so much as a pissing while, d'ye see! for Cat will to kind as the saying is.  Luce. 
Oh, Sir, you compliment, you are an absolute Country Courtier.  Cou. Gent. 
Who I, alas not I, in sober sadness, we that live in the Country are right down d'ye see, we call a spade a spade, as the saying is for our part.  Luce. 
You do well Sir, for hypocrisy is an abominable vice.  Cou. Gent 
'Tis indeed to be a Pharisy, and carry two faces in a hood, as the saying is.  Emil. 
Now I wish my tother two fools would come back and drive away this.  Luce. 
I perceive you are very good at Proverbs, Sir don't you use to play at that sport with the Country Gentlewomen.  Con. Gen. 
O yes, I am old dog at that, I am too hard for 'em all at it, d'ye see. to Emilia. But Madam now we talk of the Country, how do you think you can like a Country life?  Emil. 
O rarely! I can't choose, to fill one's belly with Curds and Cream, and stewed Prunes, to eat Honeycomb, and Rashers of Bacon at poor neighbour's houses, and Rise by five a clock in the Morning to look to my dairy.  Co. Gent. 
O rare how we shall cotton together, as the saying is, I love a good huswife with all my heart, but Madam, I have a cast of Hawks, and five couples of Spaniels too, oh Madam, if you saw my beloved Bitch Venus, you would be in love with her, she's the best at a Retrieve of any Bitch in England d'ye see.  Emil. 
Is he here? this is Heaven to me to see him after my late afflictions.  aside. Enter Stanford and Roger. Gent. 
To the Count Sir I have some business will engage me half an hour, pray will you avoid my sight in the mean time.  Cou. Gent. 
I will forsooth, I'll go see my horses fed the while.  Emil. 
This is a modester fool than the others I am troubled with, but if my father had been here I should not so easily have got rid of him— What are you come again?  to Stanf. Stanf. 
Ay, ay, too soon I am sure.  Emil. 
Are you not very foppish that you did not stay longer then?  Stanf. 
This accusation becomes you well indeed.  Emil. 
Why not Sir?  Stanf. 
Alas, you are not impertinent, no, no, not you!  Emil. 
I am sure you are: what can this mean?  Stanf. 
You were never pleased with Woodcocks damned voice yet, not Ninny's ridiculous Poetry, not you?  Emil. 
Not more, than yourself.  Stanf. 
No, no, you were not pleased with them you did not praise 'em, nor entertain the other Two Fools with kindness, no not you?  Emil. 
What a ridiculous thing 'twas of you not to tell me this in one word.  
Oh Heaven! are they here!  Stanf. 
How soon you can counterfeit the humour.  Enter Sir Positive and Lady Vain. Sir Pos. 
You see, I am as good as my word Stanford.  La. Va. 
You See, Madam, how ready I am to wait on your Ladyship.  Emil. 
Ay, to my cost I thank you.  Stanf. 
She thinks I am so easily bit as to take this for a satisfaction, but I am too old to be deceived again.  aside. Enter Lovel and Carolina. Lov. 
Now Madam to our business, if we don't put'em out of this humour, 'tis strange.  Car. 
However let's use our lawful Endeavours towards it.  Enter Woodcock and Ninnie. Wood and Ninn. 
Sing Repeat.  together. Wood 
'Slife Sir, I'll teach you to trouble this Lady with your pitiful Rimes.  Ninn. 
You teach me, nay, if you provoke me before Company you shall find me a Lion.—  they draw. Wood 
Have at ye, Dear Heart.  Sir Pos. 
Hold Woodcock! why should you disparage Poet Ninnie, He's a man of admirable parts, and as cunning a fellow between you and I Stanford, I believe he's a Jesuit, but I am sure he's a jansenist.  Wood 
He a Jesuit, that understands neither Greek nor Latin.  Sir Posit. 
Now he talks of that, Stanford, I'll tell thee what a Master I am of those Languages; I have found out in the Progress of my Study, I must confess with some diligence, four and twenty Greek and Latin words for Black Puddens & Sausages.  Wood 
Think to huff me? I could show you a matter of 200 wounds I got when I was a Volunteer aboard the Cambridge, Dear Heart, would make you swoon to look upon 'em.  Sir Posit. 
Cambridge, well that Cambridge is a good ship, and do you know, Stanford, that I understand a Ship better than any thing in the World.  Stanf. 
Do you speak, Madam, you are pleased with this—  — To Emil. Emil. 
Methinks you are as troublesome as he.  Sir Posit. 
You may talk of your Petts and your Deans, 'llle build a Ship with any of 'em for 10000 pound.  Emil. 
What will become of me, for if I should go, they would follow me.  Lovel. 
This is extremely well Painted.—  Shows a picture to Carolina. Sir. Posit. 
Painted? Why? Do you understand Painting?  Lovel. 
Not I Sir.  Sir Posit. 
I do; if you please leave that to me: 'Tis true, Michael Angelo, Titian, Raphael, Tintaret, and julio Romano, and Paulo Veronese were very pretty hopeful Men; but I would you saw a Piece of mine, I showed you my Magdalen, Emilia, and I protest I drew that in half an hour.  Emil. 
O! What shall I do to get rid of all these Tormentors.  Stanf. 
I cannot but like this Woman, yet what e'er's the matter; and yet I am sure she is impertinent.  aside Sir Posit. 
Let me see. H. H.— Oh Dear! Hans Holbin, here are Strokes, here's Mastery; well, no man in England shall deceive me in Hans Holbins' hand, take that from me.  La. Vain. 
to Emilia. O' my Conscience, Madam, this Gentleman understands every thing in the World.  Carol. 
In good earnest, Lovel, that's very pleasant Han's Holbin; why 'tis a new Sign for my Landlord, finished but yesterday, that cost him a Noble the Painting, done by a Fellow that Paints Posts, and Rails, one Humphrey Hobson, and he calls him Hans-Holbin.  Rog. 
Indeed Mr. Woodcock, fifty miles in a day was well run.  Word. 
‛ I faith was't Dear Heart.  Sir Posit. 
Run; why, Why will you pretend to running in my Company; you run, why I have run sixty miles in a day by a Lady's Coach, that I fell in Love withal in the streets, just as she was going out of Town, Stanford; and yet I vow to thee I was not breathed at all that time.  Lovel. 
to Carol. There's Knight Errantry for you, Madam, let any of your Romances match me that now.  Wood 
to La. Vain. 'Tis true, Madam, Sir Positive and Poet Ninnie are excellent men, and brave Bully-Rocks; But they must grant, that neither of 'em understand Mathematics but myself.  Sir Posit. 
Mathematics; why, whose's that talks of Mathematics, let 'em alone, let 'em alone: Now you shall see Stanford.  Wood 
Why, 'twas I Dear Heart.  Sir Posit. 
I dear heart, quoth 'a; I don't think you understand the principles on't; 'o my Conscience you are scarce come so far yet as the squaring of the Circle, or finding out the Longitude Mathematics: Why this is the only thing I value myself upon in the World Cozen Emilia.  Emil. 
Heaven! deliver me.  Stan. 
Curse on 'em all.— Well, there must be something more in this Woman than I imagine.  Ninnie 
to Emilia. No man in England plays better upon the Cittern than I do, ask George my Barber else, Madam, he's a great Judge.  Sir Posit. 
Cittern, Cittern! Who named a Cittern there? Who was't▪ Who was't?  Ninn. 
Now am I afraid to speak to him, he does so snub one: 'Twas I an please you Sir Positive  Sir Posit. 
You talk of a Cittern before me? when I invented the Instrument.  Lov. Woodcock. 
— Stand up to him in Mathematics; To him.  Wood 
Say you so, well then, By the Lord Harry, Sir Positive, I do understand Mathematics better than you; and I lie over against the Rose-Taverne in covent-garden, Deart Heart.  Sir Posit. 
I will justify with my Sword that you understand nothing at all on't— Draw.  Wood 
Nay, hold, hold, I have done Bully-Rock, if you be so angry; but it's a hard case you won't give a man leave to understand a little Mathematics in your Company, Dear Heart.  Sir Posit. 
Pox on't, I have told thee often enough of this, thou wilt still be putting thyself forward to things thou dost not understand.  Emil. 
This Impudence is beyond all example, and there is no possibility of getting from 'em.  Carol. 
I'll tell you one thing, Cousin, you cannot understand.  Sir Posit. 
I'll be hanged then.  Carol. 
You cannot Cheat at Dice.  Sir Posit. 
Ha, ha; Why you don't know me sure, you never heard of me.  Lov. 
Metaphysics.  Sir Posit. 
Faith, well thought on, Lovel, prithee put me in mind of that presently, if I don't give you that account of metaphysics shall make you stare again, cut my throat: But, as I hope to live, Stanford, 'tis a strange thing Carolina should be so near a Kin to me and not know me! False Dice, I have spent my time very well indeed, if any man outdoes me in that; for your Goads, your High Fullams, and Low Fullams, your Cater Deuse Ace, and your Size Cater-Deuse, your sink Trey Ace, your Bar Cater-Trey, your Barr-Sink-Deuse, your Barr-Sise-Ace, and all that, when I have studied 'em these sixteen years— Cousin Emilia, you know this, don't you?  Emil. 
Oh horrid! What will become of me?  Stanf. 
Sure I was mistaken, for this must be a Woman of sense, I love her extremely, I would I did not.  Sir Posit. 
But what was that, Lovel, I desired you to put me in mind of?  Lov. 
Leger, De-Maine.  Sir Posit. 
Good, there 'tis now; I had thought I had kept that quality to myself of all things in the World: sure the Devil must help thee, Lovel, How couldst thou come to know that I understood Legerdemain else? why, I'll perform all Tricks of Legerde main with any man in England, let him be what he will; For the Cups and Balls, jack-in-a-pulpit, St. Andrewes-Cross.  Carol. 
Undoubtedly, Lovel, Cardinal Mazarine was a great Statesman.  Sir Posit. 
Statesman do you say? Cardinal Mazarine a Statesman? well, I will say nothing of myself for that; no, I am no Statesman: But, you may please to remember, who was bobbed at Ostend, ha, ha, What say you Stanford?  Emil. 
O Heaven! Can you contrive no way of escaping?  Stanf. 
Let's e'en try what we can do, for we had better be with one another then with these Fools.  Sir Posit. 
Betwixt you and I, was the man that managed all that business against him.  La. Vain. 
Good lack a day, Madam, this Gentleman has a bottomless understanding.  Ninn. 
He's a very rare man, and has great power and imagination.  Wood 
As any man in Europe, dear heart.  Sir Posit. 
This very thing has made me so famous all over Europe, that I may be at this instant Chief Minister of State in Russia, but the truth on't is, Stanford, I expect that nearer home.  Rog. 
jacob Halls a most admirable Rope-Dancer, Mr. Woodcock.  Sir Posit. 
Honest Roger! How the Devil couldst thou find me out in that, jacob Hall has told thee, has he not? I thought he would ha' kept that to himself; but I taught him, nay, I taught the Turk himself.  Lov. 
hay, from a Statesman to a Rope-Dancer, What a leap was there?  Carol. 
My Maid is excellent at Pastry.  Sir. Posit. 
Ha, why there 'tis▪ now upon my Honour I understand this ten times better than any thing I have spoke off yet, Pastery, why, the Devil take me if I would not be content never to eat pie but of my own making as long as I live; I'll tell you, when I was but four years old, I had so rich a fancy, and made such extraordinary dirt pies, that the most eminent Cooks in all London, would come and observe me, to steal from me.  La. Vain. 
I beseech you, Madam Emilia, take notice of Sir Positive, he is a Prodigy of understanding.  Sir Posit. 
Ah Madam, 'tis your pleasure to say so; but 'twas this made me skilful in the art of Building, which is the only Art I am proud of in the World; 'll'le tell you, Stanford, I have seventeen Models of the City of London of my own making 〈◊〉 the worst of 'em makes London an other-guess London then 〈◊〉 like to be; but no man in England has those Models of Houses that I have.  Stan. 
This affliction is beyond all example; why the Devil dost thou provoke him to this?  Lovel. 
Were it not a ridiculous thing of me not to please myself?  Stan. 
That's true; but, What will become of us in the mean time?  Emil. 
Heaven knows this door's locked, and there's no escaping at the other.  Sir. Posit. 
I'll tell you, Madam, the other day a damned old Rat eat me up a Dining-room and Withdrawing-Chamber worth Fifty pound.  Carol. 
A Rat eat up a Dining-room and Withdrawing-Room, How could that be?  Emil. 
O fie, Sister, it's no matter how; why, Will you ask him?  Sir Posit. 
Why, I make all my Models of Houses in Paste; I vow to Gad I am ashamed to tell you how much it costs me in a year in Milk, Meal, Eggs and Butter.  La. Vain. 
Dear Sir Positive, I think you understand more the● ever Solamon did.  Sir Posit. 
No, no, Madam, alas not I, I understand little, but I'll tell you, Madam, what was said of me the other day, by some great persons that shall be nameless.  La. Vain. 
What was that, Sir?  Sir Posit. 
That I was a man of the most universal knowledge of any man in England; but without comparison the best Poet in Europe.  Carol. 
— Now Lovel to your post.  Lov. 
Navigation.  Sir Pos. 
Navigation d'ye talk of?  Carol. 
Geography.  Sir Pos. 
Geography d'ye talk of?  Lov. 
Astronomy.  Sir Pos. 
Astronomy d'ye talk of?  Carol. 
Palmistry.  Lov. 
Physic.  Car. 
Divinity.  Lov. 
Surgery.  Car. 
Arithmetic.  Lov. 
Logic.  Car. 
Cookery.  Lov. 
Magic.  Lovel & Carolina speak so fast one after another, that Sir Positive turns himself first to one, then to another, & has not time to speak to them. Sir Posit. 
Hold, hold, hold, hold!  
Navigation, Geography, Astronomy, Palmistry, Physic, Divinity, Surgery, Arithmetic, Logic, Cookery and Magic: I'll speak to every one of these in their order; if I don't understand 'em every one in perfection, nay, if I don't Fence, Dance, Ride, Sing, Fight a Duel, speak French, Command an Army, play on the Violin, Bagpipe, Organ, Harp, Oboe, Sackbut, and double Curtal, speak Spanish, Italian, Greek, Hebrew, Dutch, Welsh and Irish, Dance a Jig, throw the Bar, Swear, Drink, Swagger, Whore, Quarrel, Cuffe, break Windows, manage Affairs of State, Hunt, Hawke, Shoot, Angle, play at Cat, Stoolball, Scotch-hopp and Trap-ball, Preach, Dispute, make Speeches.— Coughs. Prithee get me a glass of small beer, Roger.  Stanf. 
Hell and Furies.  Emil. 
Oh, oh,—  They run. Sir Posit. 
Nay, hold, I have not told you half, if I don't do all these, and fifty times more, I am the greatest Owl, Pimp, Monkey, Jackanapes, Baboon, Rascal, O●fe, Ignoramus, Loggerhead, Cur-dog, Blockhead, Buffoon, Jack-pudden, Tony, or what you will; spit upon me, kick me, cuff me, lug me by the ears, pull me by the Nose, tread upon me, and despise me more than the World now values me.—  Ex. omnes, and he goes out talking as fast as he can.  

ACT. V.  Enter Emilia, Stanford, and Lovel. Stanf. 
IF you be my Friend, as you profess to be, you will not deny me this.  Lov. 
I am your Friend, and would not have you perplex yourself with what you see there's no end of; Can this frowardness relieve you?  Stan. 
Good sir, none of your Grave advice, I am resolved to relieve myself, by abandoning all conversation.  Lov. 
How can you brook Emilia's company?  Stanf. 
Pish! she's not altogether so troublesome: ask me no more Questions.  Lov. 
Ha! Does he like her? Thus far my Design thrives: Well! I'll keep 'em from you a while: but the Hounds are so eager, they'll never endure pole-hunting Long.—  exit. Stanf. 
You hear, Madam, we are not like to be long free from these inhuman persecutors.  Emil. 
Why will you call 'em so? you know I am pleased with 'em: They are my Recreation as you were pleased to say.  Stan. 
No, no; you have convinced me of the Contrary: but, How can you blame me for so easy a Mistake?  Emili. 
You are a very fit Man to despise impertinent people: you are!  Stan. 
Till be very wisely done to stand muttering here, till the Fools in the next Room-break-in upon you.  Emili. 
Perhaps as wisely done, as to trust myself with you, as you have behaved yourself.  Stanf. 
If you have no more sense then to stay longer: I shall be assured of what I was but jealous of before.  Emili. 
What would your wisdom have me do now?  Stan. 
The Worst of them would not have asked such a Question: who but you would be in doubt, or would not fly as a Thief does from a Hue and Cry.  Emili. 
There's no hope of escaping.  Stan. 
Now will you in despair of avoiding them, stay here, and keep 'em company.  Emil. 
'Twere vain presumption to hope for Liberty by Miracle; they will no more lose us, than an Attorney will a young Squire that's newly waded into Law; who will be sure never to leave him till he has brought him out of his depth.  Stanf. 
By this rule you should not resist a Man that comes to Ravish you, because he's like to be too strong for you; but if you did not use the means, your honesty would be no more admired is that, than your Wisdom in this.  Emil. 
Aside. This is a most admirable person.— Where should I go?  to him Stanf. 
I would run into a fire to be quit of 'em.  Emil. 
Well! I am content to go along with you, not for your sake, but my own.  Stanf. 
Perhaps my inclinations are not much unlike yours.  Lov. 
O Stanford, I can no longer keep them from you, 'tis as easy to stop a Springtide.  Enter Lovel. Carol. Sir Pos. Nin. Wood La. Va. Stanf. 
Now, Whose fault was this? a Curse upon your delaying, now 'tis too late to fly.  Sir Posit. 
Dost talk of flying, jack; I'll teach thee to do that with the greatest ease in the World: 'tis true, I heard of a Coxcomb that broke his neck with the Experiment, but if I had been by him, I would have taught him to have flown with the best Goss-Hawke in the World.  Stanf. 
O! Impudence!  Sir Posit. 
And for my own part for one flight or so, for I will not strain myself for any man's pleasure; I do't but for my Recreation: I am not mercenary. I will fly at a Herne with the rest Jerfaulcon that ever flew; that's fair.  La. Vain. 
O very Fair! as can be, by all means Sir learn of him he'll do't.  Sir Pos. 
Do't Madam, I think so: I tell you all Elements are alike to me, I could live in any one of 'em as well as the Earth: 'Tis nothing but a sordid Earthy Nature in us makes us love the Earth better than any other Element.  Enter Roger. Emil. 
I see it is in vain to torment ourselves without endeavouring our Liberty.  Stanf. 
That's cunningly found out.  Rog. 
Sir, if you can find a way to be rid of Sir Positive, and my Lady Vain, I'll tell you how to quit yourselves of the other.  Emil. 
We may set 'em one upon another, and by that we may either get rid or (at least) be a little revenged of 'em.  Stanf. 
That may make some amends for your last neglect.  Car. 
Now they are settled in their business, I'll leave 'em and go to my Tirewoman in covent-garden, who has some Excellent new Patterns of Lace for me, will you please to Squire me along.  Lov. 
I hope you have no design upon me: are your Intentions honourable?  Emilia whispers to Woodcock. Car. 
Yes indeed are they, I intent no rape upon you.  Lov. 
Nor any other unlawful way of love.  Car. 
Leave fooling, and let's away— Ex. Lov. Car.  Sir Posit. 
to Lady Vain. P'shaw! I could live in the water so well: that o' my Conscience I am Amphibious, I could catch fi●● as well as any Cormorant or Otter, ●●y I can live so long under-water, that (but that I have greater designs on foot here) I would go into the West Indies to dive for Sponges and Corals, and if in one year I were not the richest man that ever went thither I would be hanged jack Stanford when I swom over again.  Stanf. 
'Sdeath I would you were under water one half hour in the mean time.  Sir Posit. 
Faith I would I were jack, thou wouldst admire to see what pleasure I take in lying under Water an hour or two, especially if the Water be warm!  Stanf. 
Yes, yes, and you can eat fire too? can't ye?  Sir Posit. 
P'shaw! you admire a man that eats fire among you, one that has a depraved palate, and is not able to taste an Ash from an Oak-Coal, which I can distinguish as well as I can a pickled Herring from a Muscle.  Ninn. 
Eat fire it is Impossible?  Sir Posit. 
You are a Fop, I pity your ignorance, eat fire? Why I'll eat Fire and Brimstone with the Devil himself man, what dost talk of that?  Wood 
to Emilia. I warrant you, Dear Heart, I'll do't, and yet I am plaguelly afraid of Sir Positive.  Emil. 
What am I forced to? Master Ninnie, you have often professed some kindness to me.  Ninn. 
And Madam may I never make Couplet again if I don't love you better than I do Music or Poetry.  Emil. 
And understand me as little—  aside. 
I shall soon make trial of you.  to him. Nin. 
And before George if I do not serve you!—  Emil. 
Then be sure the next thing Sir Positive pretends to: Contradict him in, and be as Positive as he is, and by this perhaps, you may deserve my kindness.  Ninn. 
But suppose, Madam, he should draw upon me, and do me a Mischief.  Emil. 
Master Stanford and his man will bail you from that.  Ninn. 
In confidence of this I shall be glad to serve you.  La. Vain. 
I wonder, dear Sir, a man of your incomparable Ability's should want preferment.  Sir Pos. 
Modesty! modesty! we that are modest men get nothing in this age.  Lady Vain. 
Perhaps the World does not know of these things!  Sir Pos. 
Not know! why I was never in Company with any man in my life; but I told him all.  Wood 
And no man ever believed you, Dear Heart.  Sir Pos. 
As I hope to breath, jack this fellow's mad.  Wood 
ne'er tell me, Dear Heart, I know you understand nothing of all you have pretended to in comparison of me, Dear Heart.  Sir. Pos. 
Is not this very pleasant, Madam, ha, ha.  Ninn. 
Nay, nay, never laugh for the matter, and think to bear up against all the World, do you think I don't think myself a better Poet than you.  Wood 
And I a better Musician;  Sir Posit. 
You Impudent Baboons!  Ninn. 
Let him alone, let him alone Woodcock.  Wood 
Ay, ay, alas I laugh at him: ha, ha, ha.  Enter Bridget. Bridg. 
Madam, the party has stayed for you a good while at the setting Dog and Partridge.  La. Va. 
Come, while they dispute, let's go—  Ex. La. Va. Bridg. Emilia offers to go out. Ninn. 
Nay, Madam, if you don't stay to prevent Mischief, I have done: for I find I begin to grow furious, and dare not trust my own temper.  Sir Pos. 
Have you the Impudence to say you are a better Poet, and you a better Musician than I am?  Ninn. 
Ay, ay, and not only so, but a better Divine, ginger, Mathematician, Geographer, Seaman—  Wood 
A better Physician, Lawyer, Statesman, Almanac-maker.  Ninn. 
Ay, and what shall break your heart, a better Trap-ball-player too, take notice of that—  Wood 
In one word, I understand every thing that is or is not to be understood better than you do: take that from me.  Ninn. 
And let me tell you, Sir Positive, 'tis a very confident thing in you to pretend to understand any thing as well as I do.  Sir Pos. 
O Impudence!  Wood 
You understand! how should you come by understanding. Where had you your Knowledge, Dear Heart? P'shaw.  Sir Pos. 
What will this age come to?  Ninn. 
You Insolence makes me blush, as I hope to breath, for such an empty fellow to talk of wit or sense; p'shaw, prithee hold thy Tongue.  Sir Pos. 
I am amazed!  Wood 
I tell thee, dear Soul, I love thee so well, I would not have thee pretend to these things thou dost not understand.  Ninn. 
Especially before such men as we that do understand.  Sir Pos. 
I can hold no longer, ye eternal Dogs, ye Curs, ye Ignorant Whelps: I'll sacrifice ye, let me go: if there be no more sons of Whores in England, I'll murder 'em.  Stanf. 
Bear up to him, I'll prevent all Injuries.  Ninn. 
Nay then Sir; never fret and fume for the matter: look you Sir, pray what can you do better than I?  Wood 
Or I either: let's hear't, Dear Heart.  Sir Pos. 
Hear it you Rascals, I'll rout an Army with my single valour: I'll burn a whole fleet at three Leagues distance; I'll make ship● go all over the world without sails: I'll plow up rocks steep as the Alps in dust, and lave the Tyrrhene Waters into Clouds (as my friend Catiline says.)  Ninn. 
P'shaw! you! I'll pluck bright honour from the pale faced Moon (as my friend Hotspur says) what do you talk of that?  Emil. 
Certainly, he's distracted! this is some revenge.  Sir Pos. 
This single head of mine shall be the balance of Christendom: and by the strength of this I'll undermine all Common wealths, destroy all Monarchies, and write Heroic Plays: ye dogs let me see either of you do that.  Stanf. 
This is raving madness.  Ninn. 
Would I were well ●id of him, I tremble every joint of me.  Sir Posit. 
With this right hand I'll pluck up Kingdoms by the roots, depopulate whole Nations, burn Cities, murder Matrons, and ravish sucking Infants, your Curs can you do this?  Rog. 
But Sir in the midst of your fury my Lady Vain is gone away with a Gentleman.  Sir Pos. 
Ah dear Roger which way did she go? show me quickly I'll bring her back and she shall see me take satisfaction of these Rascals.—  Ex. Sir▪ Pos. & Rog. Wood 
I'm glad you are gone, Sir, my heart was at my mouth, did I not do the business rarely, my pretty Rogue? How canst thou reward me for this? hah?  Emil. 
Unfortunate Woman! what am I reduced to? if you will go immediately to Oxford Kates, and stay for me in the great Room there, I will not fail to come to you in a little time. And let you know how sensible I am of this favour; go, go instantly and make no words on't.  Wood 
I fly, Madam, O dear Roger: I have catched her, O Rogue! I'll provide a parson immediately: dear son of Whore let me kiss thee.—  Ex. Stanf. 
I shall have a better opinion of her Wit then ever I had, if she gets rid of this brace of jack-puddens.  Ninn. 
Ay Madam, you see what danger I have undergone: I am only unhappy I have lost no blood in the service: for as a Noble Author says,— It would have been to me both loss and gain. But shall I hope for any favour from you.  Emil. 
Let not Stanford perceive any thing; go and stay for me at Oxford Kates in the great Room, and there we may freely speak our Minds.  Ninn. 
And will you not fail to come?  Emil. 
No, no, but what ever happens remove not till I come to you: away, away, we are observed.  Ninn. 
O admirable Fortune! sure I was born with a Caul on my Head, and Wrapped in my Mother's Smock, the Ladies do so love me.  Ex. Emil. 
I would these Two fools were obliged to stay there till I came to 'em.  Stanf. 
Now I hope you will take Warning, and stay here no longer, where they may find you out, unless you take pleasure in 'em.  Emil. 
Where can I find a place of safe retreat?  Rog. 
I have a sister lives in covent-garden a Tyre-woman, where at this time of night you may be private: if you please command the house.  Enter Sir Positive. Emil. 
Make haste then! O Heaven is he returned?  Sir Pos. 
Pox on't I can't find my Mistress; where are these Rogues?  Stanf. 
My Lady Vain is returned, and Ninnie and Woodcock are with her in the next room.  Sir Pos. 
Say you so? I'll in and first make the Puppy's recant their errors, and then murder 'em in presence of my Mistress.  Stanf. 
So! you are fast.  locks the door. Ex. Emil. 
Come away, away!  Ex. Stanf. Emil. Rog. Sir Pos. 
within. Stanford open the door, are you mad? hay Stanford! Cousin Emilia! open the door.  Enter Lady Vain and Bridget. La. Vain. 
What is the house empty?— 'Twas an unlucky thing That the Gentlemen should go before we came.  Bridg. 
That may thank Sir Positive; would he were far enough for me for keeping your Ladyship so long.  Sir Pos. 
Stanford: Emilia! open the door! there! help, help! help.  La. Va. 
That's his voice! what can be the matter? the Key is in the door, I'll in and see—  She unlocks the door Enter Sir Positive. Sir Pos. 
O Madam! your humble servant! If I don't murder Stanford may I never have any share in your Ladyship's favour.  La. Va 
Did he lock you in?  Sir Pos. 
Yes, Madam, for which with this blade that is enured to slaughter, will I slice him into Atoms.  La. Va. 
No sweet Sir Positive restrain your passion, such a fellow 〈◊〉 he deserves to be tossed in a blanket.  Sir Pos. 
No, no, never talk of that Madam! Such a Revenge is below me, but I have a Pen that will bite and I'll do it vigorously. And yet the Rogue has done me a kindness: for if he had not locked me up, I had missed of your Ladyship.  La. Va. 
Sir, upon my honour, I intended not to have stayed from you!  Sir Pos. 
But Madam, the loss of you has put me into that fright that I desire to make sure of you.  La. Va. 
As how, good Sir?  Sir. Posit. 
To marry you this Night!  La. Va. 
That's short Warning.  Sir Pos. 
But Madam, I have had your promise these three days And that's long enough to expect performance.  Bridg. 
Madam! e'en take him at his Word.  La. Va. 
But how shall I answer that to my friend in the Country?  Bridg. 
ne'er trouble yourself for that Madam, 'tis fashionable to have a servant as well as a husband, and besides the pleasure of a Gallant, there will be another, which is no small one to some women, of deceiving your husband.  La. Va. 
Thou art in the right Wench: besides the failing of this assignation has set me so a Gogg I would very unwillingly lie alone to night.  Sir. Pos. 
Come Madam, I see you are consulting: I'll send for a Parson shall soon finish the debate.  La. Va. 
Well Sir! Your Intentions are so honourable, I submit to you.  Sir Pos. 
O intolerable happiness: Let's dispatch it immediately in this house.  La. Va. 
No Sir! I'll carry you to a more private place.  Sir Pos. 
Come Madam, I'll wait on you.—  Exeunt. Enter Lovel, Carolina. Car. 
Now I have dispatched this important business of womankind, which is making themselves fine, we may return  Lov. 
To the place from whence we came, and from thence to the place of Execution; if you please: I'll have a Levite ready.  Car. 
No Sir, I know you are too true a Son of the Church to venture that after the Canonical hour.  Lov. 
I am not so formal to observe a Method in any thing besides Marriage, being at best unseasonable, can never be less than now.  Car. 
To speak gravely; let us first take the advice of our pillows: since sleep being a great settler of the brain may be an Enemy to Marriage, for one would think that few in their right Wits would undertake so unseasonable an action: as you call it.  Lov. 
Must people then be tamed into Marriage? as they man Hawks with watching.  Enter Stanford, Emilia, Roger. Car. 
What's here? my Sister with Stanford?  Emil. 
How unlucky is this, my Sister and an idle fellow with her.  Stanf. 
ne'er trouble yourself if your Sister be not a Fop: He's none I'll assure you.  Emil. 
You are a very Competent Judge indeed.  Car. 
How now Sister can you with all your gravity steal away by night with a Gentleman?  Lov. 
Come Stanford: there's Love betwixt you for nothing else can make men and women so shame faced as to seek out private places.  Car. 
Come Sister if it be so: ne'er mince the matter, 'tis the way of all flesh.  Lov. 
And we are so far onward on that way that if you don't make haste you will scarce overtake us.  Car. 
Come confess Emilia what brought you hither?  Emil. 
I came to fly from Impertinence, and I have found it here.  Car. 
That will not bring you off Sister: for if you did not like this Gentleman very well, you would fly from him as soon as any man.  Stanf. 
For my part I only came to defend her from Assaults at this time o' night.  Lov. 
If you had not an Extraordinary value for her you would not play the Knight-Errant to my Knowledge; Is not this dissimulation of yours very ridiculous.  Stanf. 
I must needs confess I never saw any Woman I disliked less.  Carol. 
And, What say you Sister of this Gentleman?  Emil. 
To give the Devil his due, I have met with less affliction from him then from other men.  Carol. 
Nay, then in good earnest it must be a match.  Emil. 
That's wisely proposed of you to me, that am immediately leaving the World.  Stan. 
to Emil. Pox on her! how she pleases me.— Aside. Why, Who intends to stay behind?  Carol. 
If you neglect this opportunity, Sister, you'll ne'er be so well matched again.  Stanf. 
'Twill not be so pleasant to go alone as you imagine.  Carol. 
No, no, take hands and march along I say.  Emil. 
That would be much to the advantage of my honour.  Lov. 
I'll send for one shall satisfy that scruple, Madam.  Emil. 
The remedy is almost as bad as the Disease.  Stanf. 
Perhaps if you consider, it 'twill be your VVisest● course.  Emil. 
No doubt I should have an admirable Companion of you, as you think.  Carol. 
I find you have so great a passion for the Country Gentleman my Father has provided for you, you will never be persuaded to be false to him.  Emil. 
He will be the greatest plague of all: What shall I do to be rid of him?  Carol. 
There is but one way Sister; E'en dispose of yourself to that honest Gentleman to have and to hold.  Stan. 
'Twill be very discreetly done, not to quit yourself of this Country Fellow, and the rest of your Fools, now it is in your power.  Lov. 
'Faith, Madam, be persuaded and join hands.  Stanf. 
The truth is, I think we cannot do better than to leave the World together: 'twill be very uncomfortable wandering in deserts for you alone.  Emil. 
If I should be so mad as to Join hands with you, 'twould not be so much an Argument of Kindness to you, as Love to myself; since at best I am forced to choose the least of two great Evils, either to be quite alone, or to have ill Company.  Lov. 
This will end in Marriage I see.  Emil. 
O no! I dare not think of that, if he should grow troublesome, than 'twould be out of my power to cast him off.  Stanf. 
Why there's no necessity we should be such Puppies as the rest of Men and Wives are, if we fall out, to live together, and quarrel on.  Emil. 
The Conditions of Wedlock are the same to all.  Stanf. 
Whatsoever the Public Conditions are, our private ones shall be, if either grows a Fop, the other shall have liberty to part.  Emil. 
I must confess that's reasonable.  Lov. 
Away Roger, and fetch a Canonical Gentleman.  Rog. 
I will Sir.  Lov. 
Faith, Madam, you have taken great pains, Was't for yourself or me you did it?  Carol. 
You have a very civil opinion of yourself I see.  Enter Roger. Rog. 
O Sir! yonder's Sir Positive and my Lady Vain just alighted at the Door, with the man you sent for.  Emil. 
O undone! ruined for ever!  Stanf. 
'Slife you Rascal, did not you tell me I might be private here?  Roger. 
Pray Sir do not fret, but make your escape out at the back door.  Stanf. 
Away, away! quickly for Heavens sake!  Lov. 
Come, Madam! let's follow 'em.—  Exit omnes. Enter Ninnie and Woodcock. Ninn. 
Will you never leave one's room a little; I tell you I am busy.  Wood 
So am I, and 'tis my room dear heart, let me tell you that.  Ninn. 
Before George, Woodcock, 'tis very Impertinent to trouble one thus.  Wood 
So 'tis, Ninnie, I wonder you'll do't; for my part, a man that had the least Soul of Poetry in him, would scorn to do this.  Ninn. 
What! Do you say I have not a Soul of Poetry in me? I don't love to commend myself Woodcock; but, now I am forced to't: I must tell you, I have six times as much power in me, as you have.  Wood 
You lie dear heart!  Ninn. 
Why, you lie then, to tell me that I lie, so you do.  Wood 
You are a Son of a Whore, dear heart, to tell me I lie.  Ninn. 
You are a Son of a Whore as well as myself, to tell me so, and you go to that.  Wood 
ay, I, you may say your pleasure; but have a care Bully-Rock, for if you give me the least affront, I'll break your Pate, take that from me.  Ninn. 
I'll take it from no man: if you do; I'll break yours again man, for all you are so brief: 'Slife, one shan't speak to you one of these days, you are grown so purdy.  Wood 
Well! well! Dear Heart!  Ninn. 
Well well too! and you go to that: if you be so fierce: But, I'd fain know what occasion there is for you and I to quarrel now?  Wood 
Ay, what indeed dear heart; Therefore, prithee Dear Soul Kiss me, Dear Rogue, if thou lov'st me, go out of my Room.  Ninn. 
No, good sweet Woodcock now, go thee, I'll do as much for thee another time, as I hope to Live.  Wood 
Dear Cutt I love thee; but prithee excuse me, I have a Mistress to meet in this very Room; Therefore dear pretty Ninzy leave me.  Ninn. 
Cod's my Life kins to see the luck on't: may I never versify again if I am not here upon the same occasion: I'll give thee five Guynny's if thou'lt leave me: I shall spare 'em well enough when I have got her.  aside. Wood 
I'd have you know, Ninnie, I scorn your Guinny's, alas, poor Fool, he little thinks I shall be in a better Condition to spare fifty than he can five: Why then, in short, let me tell you I am to be married within this half hour, in this very Room, dear heart.  Ninn. 
This is prodigious! may I never have Play take again if I am not to be married here within this half hour, and to a very great Fortune too.  Wood 
So is mine, Bully-Rock!  Ninn. 
Dear Woodcock, let's reconcile this business here; I have two Dice, he that throws most stays: then am I sure to be too hard for him that way, for I can nap a Six ayard.  aside. Wood 
No, not I: by the Lord Harry, I'll not trust a business of that Concernment to Fortune.  Ninn. 
Nay, than Sir, I will keep my Room, I was first in't.  Wood 
By that rule you should go first out.  Ninn. 
'Tis not you can turn me out.  Wood 
Say you so: I'll try that!  Draw, and fight at distance. Ninn. 
At your own peril!  Wood 
Can't you stand a little? Why do you go back so dear heart?  Ninn. 
Let me alone, I know what I do in going back, I have the Law on my side, and if I kill you, it will be found se defendendo.  Wood 
Ay, ay, Have you murderous Intentions dear heart? If you do kill me, I will declare upon my Deathbed, That you had Malice in your heart, dear heart.  Ninn. 
Who I? as I hope to be saved I scorn your Words: I Malice; do your worst: I am better known then so: I am not so outrageous: pray hear me a Word: You know we Authors and Ingenious Men have a great many Enemies.  Wood 
We have so.  Ninn. 
At this rate we may kill one another: and a Pox on 'em they'd be glad on't; and for my part I would not die to please any of 'em.  Wood 
Nor I neither; therefore prithee leave me my Room, to prevent danger.  Ninn. 
I am not so base: but, if you will, let us lay down these dangerous Engines of Blood, and Contend a safer way, by the way of Cuffe and Kick.  Wood 
Ay, ay, with all my heart; what a Pox care I: come, come, you shall see I dare do any thing, since you are resolved to try me.  Enter two Servants, and part 'em, & Ex. Enter Stanford, Lovel, Carol, Emilia, Roger. Stanf. 
Here we are in as much danger as ever: Could any thing be so foppish as returning to the place from whence we fled.  Emil. 
'Tis a sweet time of night to go upon the Ramble.  Carol. 
We are safe enough from any body but my Father; and we cannot be troubled with him long: 'tis his hour of going to Bed.  Emil. 
How shall we dispose of the Country Fellow, if he should return.  Rog. 
Let me alone; I'll find a Trick for him: I lived in the same Town with him, and know him to be a downright credulous man, that will swallow any thing.  Enter Father and Countryman. Stanf. 
Now see what you have brought yourself to?  Fath. 
Come Daughter, What think you of my choice of a Husband, He's extreme rich; and, Is he not a very accomplished Gentleman, hah?  Emil. 
There's a Fellow indeed, why he has not Soul enough for a Cock-Chicken.  Fath. 
You are a foolish froward Girl thus to despise your happiness; I'll tell you, either resolve to Marry him to morrow morning—  Lov. 
Hark you Sir! if you will take my advice, be not so hasty: you know young Ladies are always Coy, and out of their little knowledge of the World, are apt to refuse that which may prove their greatest happiness.  Fath. 
What would you have me do with one that is so obstinate?  Carol. 
If you please, take some milder way: let us withdraw, and we'll all help to persuade her: you know it is not proper to be done before him.  Fath. 
I'll be rul'd in this: but if persuasions will not do, force shall.  Carol. 
Be sure you seem pliant to his Commands, it may advance our design.  Fath. 
Sir, we'll wait on you again presently.  Ex. all but Country G. and Roger. Coun. Gen. 
Your Servant Sir!— honest Roger in sober sadness I am glad to see you well; I had almost forgot you.  Rog. 
And, How does your sweet Sister Madam Dorothy?  Coun. Gent. 
O brave and lusty, as sound as a Roach, as they say.  Rog. 
I heard your Worship was Knighted.  Count. Gent. 
No▪ not I Roger: I am not ambitious of that: As that excellent Proverb says; Honour will buy no Beife.  Roger. 
Now we are alone, Sir, I am obliged to tell you; I am sorry to▪ see one, whom I so much honoured, so ill used.  Count. Gent. 
Pish! its no matter man! I care not for Knighthood one pin of my slieve, as the saying is.  Rog. 
Sir, I mean something concerns your Worship nearer.  Count. Gent. 
Nearer! What can that be?  Rog. 
I must beg your Pardon for that; I may be ruined for my endeavours to serve you.  Count. 
What, Would any of your Towngallants bob me of my Mistress?  Rog. 
That were too good news for you to be true?  Count. Gent. 
Thank you for nothing: Is this the honour you have for me, to wish me the loss of a Mistress worth 10000 l. d'ye see; udds nigs that's a good one indeed.  Rog. 
10000 l. Ha, ha, ha; would she had it for her own sake and yours too?  Count. Gent. 
Faith are you there with your Bears? nay then I have brought my Hogs to a fair Market.  Rog. 
If she had had one of those thousands my Master would have Married her long ere this; Sir, I have always honoured you, and could not in Conscience but tell you this, and now it is in your power to ruin me.  Count. Gent. 
Nay, I'll be as silent as a Dormous, but is it possible?—  Rog. 
Nay, do not believe me if you please; but I have discharged my duty: and, if you Marry her, the Inconvenience will be yours, not mine: Besides, if she had that Fortune you speak of, which she has as much as I have; What good would it do you in the end? She'll ne'er be persuaded to live in the Country, you must keep her in Town, with her Coach and six Horses, Pages and Lackeys: and she must visit the Plays, the Park, and the Mulberry-Garden.  Count. Gent. 
O Lamen-table! this were the way to get a pair of Horn's bigger than the Staggs head in My-Hall has: but, if I were Married to her, I'd get her into the Country as sure as a Gun.  Rog. 
If you should, you'd have every week this Earl, that Lord; this Knight, and that Gentleman of her kindred come to take the fresh Air; and to Hunt and Hawk with you in time of year.  Count. Gent. 
Why they would eat me out of House and Home, as the saying is.  Rog. 
They would despise your Beife and Mutton: you must keep a Couple of French-Cookes; and eat nothing but Potages, Fricasces, and Ragusts, your Champinions, Coxcombs and Palates, your Andoilles, your Langue de porcean, your Bisks and your Olios.  Count. Gent. 
What are all these, several sorts of Sweetmeats.  Rog. 
O no Sir! these must be your constant food, and every Dish will cost you a Piece; and, Will this be done with a small Portion of a Thousand Pound.  Count. Gent. 
I should soon bring a Noble to Ninepences then as they say.  Rog. 
Then you must have your Quails, Ruffs, Gnatts, Godwitts, Plover, Dotrills, Wheat-Eare, Cock of the Wood, and a hundred sorts of Fowls: besides, they would scorn your Ale and Cider, and March-Beer: you must have your Cellar full of Champaign, Chablee, Burgundy, and Remedy Wines; But Mum Sir, if you love me.  Enter Father, Stanf. Emil. Carol. Lov. Fath. 
Come, Sir, I have brought my Daughter to be obedient to my Commands, and I would have you prepare to be Married to morrow morning,  Count. Gent. 
I shall fail you d'ye see.  Fath. 
What is't you say?  Count. Gent. 
I shan't be so civil, as the saying is.  Fath. 
This is madness.  Count. Gent. 
No Sir, no; There's no catching old Birds with Chaff, Fare-you-well.  Fath. 
D'hear Sir!  Count. Gent. 
No, Sir, fare ye well— I am no Bubble, as they say.  Exit. Fath. 
I am amazed! I'll after him; and inquire into the business, I must not lose this Son-in-Law.  Exit. Lovel. 
The Rogue has done it dexterously.  Enter Roger. Rog. 
Come Sir, here's a Parson in the next Room, dispatch, while the old Gentleman's out of the House.  They are going out. Enter Woodcock. Stan. 
'Slife, Woodcock's here! I'll cut his Throat.  Emil. 
Pray none of your Hectoring here, to Alarm the House.  Wood 
How now, Dear Heart! Why did not you come to me as you promised.  Emil. 
For Heaven's sake go up into the Room two pair of Stairs, and I'll steal from hence, and give you an Account: make haste.  Lov. 
Come let's in before we be interrupted again.  Ex. Wood Enter Ninnie. Ninn. 
Hi'st Madam; before George 'twas unkindly done, not to remember your assignation just now.  Emil. 
You'll spoil all: I could not get loose; run into the garden there's a back door: I'll come to you immediately, make haste, we are observed.  Ninn. 
O ho! this is something.  Stanf. 
This woman has a soul.—  Ex. omnes. Enter Huff drunk. Huff. 
I have pursued him into this house, that has abused me so basely behind my back, and by this Whiniard, and by the spirit of Gunpowder: I'll sacrifice him to my fury: Come out you son of a Whore.  Enter Stanford, and the rest after him, Stanford presses upon Huff, and he falls. Stanf. 
That this Puppy should provoke me to draw upon him, that is so drunk he cannot stand.  Huff. 
That's a mistake, not so drunk yet, but if I had stood soberly to't, I should have been run through the Lungs before this.  to himself. Enter Sir Positive and Lady Vain. Emil. 
Is there no end of our affliction?  Sir Posit. 
Dear Cousin and jack Stanford, give me Joy, I am married to a Lady that is the greatest Pattern of Wit: and the greatest Example of Virtue that this age hath produced, and for her face look upon't, took upon it I say! she's a beauty take that from me, what say you Stanford?  flourish within. Stanf. 
Yes, yes, she's cursedly handsome.  La. Va. 
If my glass does not flatter me: you are not deceived in your Judgement, dear Sir.  Sir Posit. 
Here I have brought Fiddles to rejoice with you jack and Cousin, since I know you love mirth as well as I do.  Enter Woodcock. Wood 
I had waited for thee my dear Miss if this unexpected Music had not brought me hither.  Enter Ninnie. Ninn. 
How now? what Fiddles are these?  Sir Pos. 
You dogs are you here? now Madam you shall see how I'll chastise these fellows that would be Wits.  Wood 
Hold dear Rogue! why shouldst thou be angry? upon my honour I did but droll with thee, for by the Lord Harry I take thee to be one of the pillars of the Nation Dear Heart?  Sir Pos. 
O do you so?  Ninn. 
Dear Sir Positive, I beg your pardon a thousand times, For my part I believe there never was a man of that prodigious understanding that you have.  Sir Pos. 
Do you so? I knew it was impossible they should be in Earnest, but do you hear? have a Care of being Positive another time, a man would think you might learn more Modesty of me.  Wood 
Come Dear Heart, art thou here: prithee kiss me, and let's be friends for all our late Cuffing: what need we care for a douce or two of the Chops Bully Rock.  Ninn. 
Nay for my part I value it as little as you do, and you go to that.  Enter Father and Country Gentleman Fath. 
What Riots this in my house? at this time o' night?  Sir Pos. 
Riot! do you understand what a Riot is in Law: I'll tell you: for no man in this Nation has committed more than I have.  Fath. 
Tell me not of Law Sir? what mean these Fiddles I say at this time o' night?  Sir Pos. 
Uncle they are mine: I am married to this Lady, and resolve to be merry in your house before we go to Bed.  Fath. 
Is that it? give you Joy, your Cousin Emilia and this Gentleman will not be long after ye.  Stanf. 
Sir, you are mistaken, your daughter has disposed herself in another place.  Wood 
How the devil did he know that Ninnie?  Nin. 
He little thinks where she has bestowed herself, ha, ha, ha.  Wood 
No, no, nor thee neither, dear Rogue, ha, ha, ha.  Ninn. 
Well! honest Woodcock, I think I may trust thee, thou art my Friend; I am the man she has made choice of, and thou shalt be my Bride man.  Wood 
Ha, ha, ha, poor whelp! how he will find himself bobbed immediately: that this Coxcomb should not find all this while that I am the man.  [aside. Fath. 
It cannot be what without my Knowledge or Consent?  Wood 
Ay, ay, she's disposed on; Dear Heart.  Ninn. 
Ay, Ay, she's disposed on.  Fath. 
To whom?  Stanf. 
To me.  Wood 
To me.  Ninn. 
To me.  Fath. 
How now to all three?  Car. 
Sir, she has taken Master Stanford, and I Master Lovel as sure as a Parson can make us.  Fath. 
What do I hear?  Car. 
Sir, I beseech you be not offended, their Births and Fortunes are not unequal to ours, and if they were, 'twere too late for it to be redressed.  Fath. 
Is this true?  Emil. 
Yes Sir, perhaps too true.  to Stanford. Wood 
Am I fooled after all this? well I say no more, Dear Hearts.  Ninn. 
Well let the Nation sink or swim an'it will for me: henceforward instead of Heroic Verse, hereafter I will show all my power, and soul and flame, and mettle in Lampoon, I durst have sworn she had loved me.  Fath. 
Well! Heaven bless you together since you have done't.  Co. Gen. 
So Sir, I see my Cakes dough, as they say; but I hope you'll pay the Charges of my Journey d'ye see.  Sir Pos. 
Well Cousins I am glad of your good Fortunes, and for my own part, if I understand any thing in the world I am happy in this Lady.  La. Vain. 
Sir! you are pleased to Compliment.  Enter Luce. Luce. 
Sir Positive here's a Letter was left for you, it comes out of the Country.  Sir Posit. 
reads SIr Positive I am informed, but know not how to believe it, that you intent to marry one that calls herself my Lady Vain: The respect▪ I have for your family urges me to tell you she is a Counterfeit Lady, and is at present my Mistress, by whom I have had one child, and I believe she's half gone of another, all the Fortune she has is what I allow her.  
I have seen enough, how am I perplexed? read lovel.  Fath. 
Come Master Woodcock! and Master Ninnie notwithstanding you are displeased let's have your Company a little longer.  Wood 
Nay for my part, Dear Heart, I do not care what becomes of me?  Ninn. 
Nor I neither as little as any man.  Lov. 
Don't betray yourself to the Company.  to Sir Positive. Sir Pos. 
Well! this is the first thing in the World that I have met with which I did not understand: but I am resolved, I'll not acknowledge that: Master Lovel I knew well enough what I did when I married her, He's a wise man that marry's a harlot, he's on the surest side, who butan Ass would marry at uncertainty.  Lov. 
What will not a Positive Coxcomb defend?  Car. 
Since we are all agreed: in stead of a grand Dance according to the laudable Custom of Weddings, I have found out a little Comical Gentleman to entertain you with.  Enter a boy in the habit of Pugenello, and traverses the Stage, takes his Chair, and sits down, then Dances a jig. Emil. 
No Wedding day was ever so troublesome as this has been to me.  Stanf. 
Make haste and quit the Trouble.  
Now to some distant desert let's repair:  
And there put off all our unhappy Care,  
There certainly that freedom we must find,  
Which is denied to us among Mankind.  Exeunt omnes. 
FINIS.    

Epilogue.  
Physicians tell us, that in every age  
Some one particular Disease does rage,  
The Scurvy once, and what you call the Gout,  
But Heaven be praised their Reign is almost out;  
Yet a worse malady than both is bred,  
For Poetry now reigneth in their stead:  
The Itch of writing Plays, the more's the pity,  
At once has seized the Town, the Court, and City.  
Amongst the rest the Poet of this day▪  
By mere infection has produced a Play.  
Once his hot fit was strong when he was bold  
To write, but while you judge he's in the Cold,  
Yet pray consider, few of you but may  
Be given up so far to write a Play:  
If not for his, for your own sakes be kind,  
And give that mercy which you hope to find.  
THE END.