Sir Arthur Haselrig's LAST Will and Testament. With a brief SURVEY OF HIS LIFE and DEATH. LONDON, Printed for Henry Brome, and are to be sold at his shop at the sign of the Gun in Ivy-lane, 1661. Sir ARTHUR HASELRIG'S LAST WILL & TESTAMENT, WITH A brief Survey of his LIFE and DEATA. O Death, how unwelcome art thou to a troubled Spirit? Is my long haunting after worldly Honour, and fishing after Church Lands to enlarge mine Inheritance by an injurious surprisal of others Rights, brought to this Precipice? Yes most justly; that Sacred-secret Synod, from which all my sinister Actions have ever peremptorily appealed, has justly and irrevocably decreed, that ARTHUR, who was once such an eminent Champion at the ROUND TABLE, should be now deserted, nay shamefully stripped of those weak stays, whereon He, miserable He, in the height of his swelling Fortunes so strongly relied, and imprudently doted. Ah me! what an eyesore is this to see Lawn-sleeves rise to their wont height: and my blasted Honour sinking down with contempt into a disconsolate Depth! O Bishopric, where in my Regality I so much Soveraignized, or, as some will have it, Tyrannised; must I now leave thee, and leaving thee recommend thee to a Prelacy, which was most hated by me? Though for pity sake that Prelatical State might retain this opinion of me, for otherwise they traduce me highly, that I never bore such hate to their Persons, as I bore love to their Personages; nor such to their Professions, as I had, and hold ever in my estimate of their Possessions. But now my hydroptick Thirst is quenched, my earthly desires (though much against my will) unfortunately sated; whence I collect with an heavy eye to what I have left behind me, what a vading breath, or light blast is this flash of Honour; whose overswollen Bladder as it puffs us up living, so it stifles us dying. But it is high time for me now to recollect myself; and look a little back, having so small a space left me to look forward: I may expect a Funeral, but oliver's vast excess ushered in with such scorn, and registered with such shame, deters me from enjoining too much cost, lest my Executor might be enforced to pay more than either the price of my Carcase, or the remnant of my forfeited Estate would discharge. My Rebellion, as this late Synod by cutting, and cutting of our late Rump styles it, has sufficiently all the world over proclaimed me Bankrupt; it would grieve me to leave my Heir protested against, for a Vessel of crumbled Dust: which I am confident, will be accompanied by more Fiends than Friends, more Followers than Mourners: so as in this case a Rope of strong-sented Onions would do excellent service for enforcing wet-eyes from dry hearts: to pump tears with a few feigned fghs to delude the Spectators at my death; as my actions under a vizard of zeal bravely, though now unfortunately, performed all my life. On which State-Stage there is none that ever knew Sir ARTHUR, but will ingeniously confess to his honour, that there was no Shimei of all that Leven, who acted his part more politicly, nor daringly: nor promoted the Interest of the Good Old Cause with more acrimonious fidelity. Upon which account (though Self-interest turned the wheel that steered all my Actions) I behaved myself in that posture, and manner, as I was ever held (I appeal to my mortalest enemies, if this be not true) a most useful and serviceable Instrument to the Antimonarchical Tribe: and withal such an endeared Favourite to redoubted OLIVER, as his ear was as attentive to me, as it was ever to his close faithful Cu● St. john's; till he found my averseness from King-ship, whereto his vast ambition subtilely aspired. Mean time, though I stood ever a professed enemy unto Monarchy, I appeared a constant Zealot for a Pentarchy. A Fift-Monarchy-Man I was cordially, whose Spirits now when I am dying sound in mine ears mortally stirring, though my short Lease of Life will prevent me from partaking the issue of that fair Quarrel. Sure I am, Fanatic heat will not be quenched without much blood. This our dislaughtered Complices, who lately sacrificed their active lives with undaunted valour to the hands of the common Executioner expected: which my brother HARRISON gave a touch of at his death, saying, I see the Lord will not appear to us this day. But discontents must not be so cured. Our trusty fanatics hope a day will come, which seeing my weak divining Spirit cannon prefine it, I unwillingly leave to those that shall live to see it. And no doubt but the discontented Party, seconded by our baffled Reformades, and desperate Decoys of our late disbanded Army, may find our impregnant City a ready Foster-Mother to nurse these distempers in her ranting Racketers (besides the winning demureness of our conscientious Anabaptist, which will strengthen the Quarrel mainly, and make our Fanatic ruffle bravely) upon these grounds, if not timely diverted, which we hope the Liberty of the time will slowly look into, there is small doubt to be made, but this teeming age may breed as many John Leydons apt to design a fresh massacre in every circumstance, equal to that memorable one of Munster. But to my grief, rhough it be not my fortune to be a Spectator of it, nor Actor in it, my desires are as strong as my faculties weak. I shall swell in my wishes dying, what I could not achieve living. But leaving these till time shall repent them, and posterity become more sensible of them, let me petition Death (to whose arrest I hold my Fame much indebted, for snatching me from the claws of ravenous ,) to respite me a little, a very little; my words shall be but few; because my hours cannot be many: and these shall be bestowed on the discovery of my life; wherein to unrip my Infirmities I hold it needless, seeing the whole Island has been long time Pronotory of them: No Court of Record in all Westminster, but may bear Record of my restless Passion; which these Reverend Judges would usually give way to out of their indulgent favour, being highly taken with the erring tumour of my active State-valour: though Runaway Downs, as the Usurper sometimes twitted me, may witness the contrary. The sallies and various occurrences of which Field were every way as terrible to me, as the encounters of Death now approaching me: or Duns dreadful attendance upon my feverish trial. Truth is, that in the height of my being, as I was generally held a confiding man; and one that intended to have his voice, and voto bear sway; were it right, or wrong, against all Opposers, there was no Plea, were it legal, or illegal, which I pursued, and expected not a successful issue: Neither in the prosecution thereof did I encounter with any affront to my then imperious power more disgustful, than from those virulent aspersions thrown upon me by a tart, but acute Counsellor; whose Coif might authorise him to make bold with me. But, I am persuaded his spleen to my Person (having before made it my endeavour to bring him within the compass of Delinquency) gave more fuel to the fire of his passion, than his pretended Zeal to his Client, an useful Instrument to his Profession. I must confess (and the remembrance of it is some Còrosive to me) that my acrimony of spirit was so quickened towards that Gentleman his Client, as I mortally hated him: and by a tedious suit (so much did my strength over-top his weakness) so exhausted him, for challenging his own; as I am confident the cure will prove worse than the disease; and that the recovery of his Estate will scarcely countervail the expensive charge of his Suit. For after sundry Verdicts returned for him, I was no ways deterred, but doubling my Files, and reviving my Claim, wherein I found Saint john's ever my indulgent Hearer, whose joint assistant I had been in all his designs My resolution was not only to crush him with my purse, whom I could not conquer by the equitable Rule of the Law: But out of my vindicative spirit, as none more violent nor virulent, I publicly vowed to entail that Suit upon my Heir for ever. Neither was my quenchless fury only discovered in this, but in aggravating the racked Compositions of Delinquents; amongst which my inveterate spleen was such to a Favourite of the Muses, who opposed my demands, as I made myself a Party; and so by degrees brought him to taste sharply for his folly. To enlarge the number, and measure of my practised insolences; Profanation of Temples, oppression of Tenants, extortion in pursuit of Offices shall render me unexemplary to all succeeding ages. With which Pressures I grew so daily mired, as my Conscience became wholly seered. The corroding memory whereof makes me appear ignominious in myself, odious to all. Upon review of these, my Funeral Hearse (if any such Decency be admitted me) is to expect only dry eyes to accompany it. No Mourner unless Squire Dun bemoan his own Interest, for not having a hand in putting off my . But it was my Physicians pious policy by the help of a Clyster to palliate my endangered Fame, and for want of a Perpendicular Line, to strip him of his Booty. I should now dispose of my Estate, but our late Reformed State has done me the favour to save me a labour: So as I must leave mine Heir with the Chameleon to feed on Air.— But my brittle Glass is run out; not one grain of Sand left to supply the Cruet— Woe is me, shall I never see Westminster more? Must my hopes of a Change, be changed into heaps of dust? Oh I sink, I sink! And I feel my earthen thoughts so heavy, as they cannot fix on aught that is heavenly.— A due to all the world: O how happy I, if I had never known it: or had less loved it; so might I more cheerfully have left it. So good night to Sir Arthur With all his debauched Honour. Hic jacet Arthurus, terris nunquam rediturus, Obrutus ut Curis, cognitus arte Furis. His Supplement portrayed to life. WOuld you know more of him? Take a survey of his Carriage during that too long reign of the Rump: where you may hear from all hands in what braving manner this cowardly Clivias' bore himself. He would not stick with an insolent shrug to maintain not only Anarchy, but flat Apostasy with his Sword. Though he was never holden for a Blade-man, but such a baffled Spirit as He represented the face of a Christian in nothing more, then in an inbred fear to be cudgeled out of his incivility. To sundry desperate extremes did his furious Passion engage Him; being in no place secure, because in no place constant to himself. So factiously active was his Quick-Silver-Brain, as his projecting Pate would not suffer him to sleep: His nightly devotions were bestowed in devising new Utopian States Principled to his own Fanatic Fancy: and in settling these so irresolute, as the following day never approved what the former day did, which rendered him as weak in resolving, as he was light in devising. He had got the knack of Preaching, or Prating rather in Divinity: but edified himself least in Rules of Humanity. In his beginning, being then in his rising, he grew so familiar with Oliver, as he would not stick by way of Argument to collar with him: but the enraged Tiger no sooner furrowed his Front, than this feverish Rateun let fall his Crest. So soon was his spriteless valour resolved into fear. His sleeps were short, and those troubled, arising from the vapours of an addle Brain wholly disordered. But no Dreams struck in his thoughts more terror, than the affrightful visions of a Tippet, and a Mitre. These called him to an Account before his time: but having got the Act of Oblivion by heart; he took it for a Dream, and so the vision vanished. He sacrilegiously removed the Altar from B. A. Church to his own House; under which, to save the charge of a Monument, his Lady was after buried. And to enlarge his Profanation, he razed down to the ground a beautiful Chapel; whose splendour and antiquity might plead a privilege against the hand of hostility. From the ruins whereof he reared to himself a Dining Parlour: preferring his own licentious humour and secular pleasure before God's honour. And to sum up all in one (for should we insist upon all, they would require an ample Volume) to authorize his Insolences; It is the opinion of many, that he died of a Cold Palsy, and very likely: The proper symptoms, or consequent products of a Paraletick distemper. Sylu. since the whole course of his life was over-swayed by unsettled Passions, Weakness and Levity. Near his Death he found more quiet within him, because a Lethargy had seized on him. So far did his Disease afford him Ease; wherein he might justly cry out with that frantic forlorn Ethnic: O that this Distemper would never leave me! But like a Lightning before death, or a Beamling striking forth before a storm: heaving himself up a little; and drawing his breath slowly, as one approaching near shore, after a deep groan fetched from a burdened soul, He shut up all with this sad but suitable farewell; I am passing; I am passing; but I know not whither: Oh that I might sojourn here for ever! SUPER OSSA Olivari Cromwelli, Bradshai, Iretoni, etc. Nuperrimè exhumata, & condignis Exequiis tradita. UT venti sonuere graves à morte Tyranni, Murmure conspirant Ossa levata pari. Talia si terris formidine plena ministres, Qualia tartariis fers, Olivare, locis? jonis, Sulphur erunt, & spiritus ipse Procellae Portio; num sapiunt naribus ista tuis? Quas Bradshawus opes? quas Ireton sustulit iras? Qui sceleris socii, suppliciique tui. Quid tibi Nauta Blagus? quid Pridux, Consul equestris? Pridus? Baxterus? Husoniusque? Whalus? Quam tibi Coetus opem tribuit? quam de Styge portam Aperiet reducem? Desine; claude viam. Nulla salus miseris; spes nulla relicta salutis, Nec tibi, nec sociis restituenda quies. Seimus ab Inferno concessa Redemptio nulla est. Novimus ense tua ferre; perinde pati. Upon oliver's Bones; and his two Complices Tyburned, January 30, 1660. FRom the Red-Lyon was this Leopard brought, Where He was wont to mount before He fought. A fit june could not devised be For NOL to mount the Sledge to th' Triple Tree. Epitaph. Here hangs his Trunk, whose restless Bones could have No ground, but under Tyburn for a Grave. First time enshrined like to some British King, Next with dishonour pendent in a string. Two Consorts there appear who hang beside him, Being so dear 'twere pity to divide them. Thus Fate has shred that thread which Fury spun, Hanged without suffering by the hand of Dun. To them ask why these Rebels hang so high? Treason mounts higher still than Felony. Mourn Mercer, Draper with distilling Eyes, Or with sad looks instead of Elegies. Habits must pay themselves, penurious Dick Defrays all scores; how? in Arithmetic. But hark my Boys, if you have wit to call In time, old BESS has stuff to pay you all. Protector, Praeses, Consul, Lictorque Tyburnus Funeris officiis succubuere suis. Iste parat laqueos, laqueis Hi corpora tendunt; Lictor ut infligit, perfida Turba ruit. Ecce consortes scelerumque morum Naribus tetrum pariunt vaporem, Traxit ut Dunnus retulit saporem Lerna malorum. Lo! lo! to what corruption Traiters sink! Divert your Sense; Dun stirs them till they stink. No Infection like Rebellion. jack Cutts bemoans this hanging, for his Wench Was struck to th' heart by that Rebellious stench. So as those Traitors may be counted th' Head, Who slaughtered living, and who poisoned dead. For Treason is of that contagious nature, No Carrion smells like th' Carcase of a Traiter. Redde Sinonem similem per Orbem, Subditis trietem, Superis prophanum, Vel magis cursu temerè ferocem Principis hostem! FINIS.