Win her and Take her, OR, Old FOOLS will be Meddling.  
A COMEDY, As it is Acted at the THEATRE-ROYALL.  
By their Majesty's Servants.  
London, Printed for J. Hindmarsh at the Golden-Ball against the Royal-Exchange. R. Bently in Russel street in Covent Garden. A. Roper in Fleet street near Temple-Barr, and Randall Tailor near Stationers-Hall in Ludgate street. 1691.   

To the Right Honourable Peregrine Earl of Danby, Viscount Latimer, and Baron of Kineton, and Viscount Dumblan in the Kingdom of Scotland, Colonel of the Marine-Regiment, etc.  
THe many favours and Encouragements I have received from your Lordship have given me the confidence to lay this trifle at your feet; not in the least esteeming it worthy of your consideration, but rather as a testimony of my gratitude, and humble acknowledgement to your Lordship. I am conscious the Papers which I now offer up to your Honour have nothing of worth in themselves; But your Lordship's acceptance of these mean Productions will set a value on 'em, since it can give a gloss, and reputation even to defect itself. We often see that things which are unpassable in themselves, become currant and Authentic when Beautified by some external impress: Thus Metals are ennobled when his Majesty's Royal Image is stamped upon them; and thus a Peasant may wear the Title of Honourable, if he derives it from the King, the only source and Fountain of Honour. All the Miscarriages, and therefore misfortunes of this Play will be amply recompensed by the Encouragements it has received from your Lordship; for I am very well assured nothing can be unfortunate, when once it comes under your Lordship's Protection. I could almost persuade myself that this is not a very bad piece, if but for no other reason then this, that your Lordship will Patronise nothing that is ill. I shall leave it as it is to your decisive judgement, whose single Approbation I shall prefer to the numerous applauses of a noisy Theatre. My Lord, I attribute it to your bravery of mind, and greatness of Soul that so graciously permit the Muses to wait upon you; For he only will shun their Addresses who has done nothing that is Noble, or else is afraid to have his dishonourable Actions Sung by them. The Lacedæmonians when they were going to Battle were used to Sacrifice to the Muses, being conscious that they could advantageously recommend 'em to Posterity, and cause new life, like that of the Phoenix, to spring out of their very Ashes. Ambition which in other Men is a vice, in you is a Virtue; for you are guilty of no other than that of the Preservation of your Country: and thus you not only purchase to yourself a great, but a good Reputation. Our English Courage which has never been inferior to any Nations in the whole World, seems to become sickly for want of due Exercise, and to languish through a long disuse, and disengagement from Arms; It has lain rusting like our Armour hung up against our Walls; but now led on and fired by your Lordship's Example, it will recover its former vigour, and throw off the filth it has contracted by a lazy and unactive Peace, and shine as bright as ever, both to the Terror of our Enemies, and the Glory of our Nation. Your Lordship like the Roman Youth in the Campry Martius have ever taken care by Manly Exercises to improve the Natural Strength of your body, that it might be a fit Active and vigorous Soul; So that this is always prepared to execute those great designs to which the other is ever ready to push it on. But tho' your undaunted Courage and Resolution, your unshaken Loyalty, your forward zeal for the service and security of your Country, together with a numerous Train of many other Noble Qualities have endeared you no less to Their Majesties, than all good People; yet we must not make it a matter of wonder, if the best and bravest Men are subject to the Malice and designs of Knaves and Cowards; Especially if we should consider that a great part of the World may justly fall under that denomination. A little Observation will let us see that Mankind have made, as it were, a Combination among themselves to be wicked; and indeed they are so very active in the pursuit of vicious Practices, that one would swear they lay under the obligation of an Oath to be Villains. Hence the daily Murders, Thefts, Robberies, Cheats, Assassinations, and what not? Hence it was that the Prince of Orange, His Present Majesty's Ancestor was set upon in his own Hall amidst his Servants, and a strong Guard. And sure we cannot forget a Foreign Raviliac; or our own Felton. From one and the same cause it was that those Profligate Ruffians so lately assaulted your Lordship in the open street, an action full of horror and detestation: And here we cannot but stand and wonder at your Lordship's unparalleled Humanity, when you could be merciful to them that were barbarously cruel to you, and even give pardon, and life, to those very Men that would have taken away yours. This is such an Heroic flight, such a bold stroke of Christian-Charity, that the best of Men may Copy from so Glorious an Original. And for this, I presume, your Lordship may deservedly boast with the Elder Scipio, that you have left your very Enemies as much cause to love you as your Friends. And indeed your Lordship has a Genius fitted for every brave and generous undertaking; You are equally adorned with the Perfections of the Camp and Court: You have the Conduct and bravery of one, with all the softness and affability of the other. But since your choice has determined you for the Defence of our Navy, we need not doubt but that our Victorious Fleet will ride in Triumph o'er the Ocean, and that your Lordship will return home Crowned with Victories, and laden with the Spoils and Trophies of our Enemies; which that you may accomplish shall be the Prayers of  
SIR, Your Lordship's Most Humble, Faithful, and Obliged Servant, Cave Underhill.   

PROLOGUE.  
Tattered, and Poor my habiliaments do show it,  
I represent a sad desponding Poet:  
Humble, and meek before the Play is o'er,  
Which if you like he's Sancyer than your Whore;  
If not the Scribbler frets, looks grum, and Swears,  
The Town are Fools, or lays it on the Players.  
His Duns to whom he has given bills of Payment,  
For Periwig, Clean-linnen, and spruce Raiment,  
Come worrying of him all on the third day:  
(for Poets near that time are always gay)  
He cries, come Gentlemen you'll see the Play;  
Puts 'em i'th' Pit, and then he slips away:  
Now tho' no Poet, I am much in debt,  
And come to make a gathering in the Pit:  
Your favour's all; I don't pretend to Wit.  
You have been kind to most of our young Actors,  
To their dull Plays proved noble Benefactors;  
The times are hard, and I'm so plain in dressing,  
I've much ado to save myself from Pressing.  
And faith Comedians are as awkard fighters,  
As Stiffnecked Ogling Beaux, or Lampoon-writers.  
War is as great a Curse on our Profession,  
As fear which breeds in dying men Confession;  
Or Virtue in a damsel near Possession.  
Now all I beg of you is, that you'd have  
Commiseration upon harmless Cave,  
Who always acts the Fool,— but is no Knave.  
The Profits of this Play to me are given,  
As the Song says to make my Wine-scores even,  
And not leave things at Six and at Seven  
For Claret which the Senate did desire  
With fuel should be lowered, is raised much higher;  
We're doubly starved for want of wine, and fire,  
And like my part in Epsom-Wells the Justice,  
Gadzooks in English all my only trust is,   

EPILOGUE by Mr. Durfy.  Spoken by Mrs. Butler. 
CVrse on the Scribbling Fools of ancient days,  
That first invented these fag-ends of Plays,  
To beg good nature, errors to atone,  
From Critics, which they always knew had none.  
This here had been without an Epilogue,  
If Underhill that Comical old Dog,  
Had not with a grimace that made me laugh,  
Desired me to speak something in's behalf.  
What is't cried I? why faith (said he) to pray  
The Audience to be kind to my third day.  
The friendly Author liked my Phizz so well,  
That I the Oyster get, he but the shell.  
The money's mine, that's gotten by the Cause,  
And he good Soul's contented with applause.  
My Answer was, 'twas well he took this trade,  
He would have a Confounded Lawyer made;  
To give away his labour in this sort,  
The Fellow would have starved i'th' Inn's of Court.  
There I have oft a Bill of Chancery seen,  
The lines so wide I've put my fist between;  
And yet to haggle with the Jew that wrote  
Was vain; the Scoundrel would not bate a groat:  
But here a Poet gives you a whole Play,  
Treats Cheer entire and nothing is to pay;  
The lines so thick too they each other Choke,  
And just as much cut out as we have spoke:  
A fatal sign where we the difference see  
Between the price of love and Poetry.  
'Tis true says Underhill; if the Plot be sound  
It may Gadzookers get a hundred pound:  
A hundred pound, said I, half in a rage,  
knowst what an hundred pound is in this age?  
I wish thee well, but this is such a sum,  
Shall beat all France, Convert the Pope of Rome,  
And make Peace 'twixt the Turk and Christendom.  
We women are not easy to be won,  
But were a hundred pound in Specie shown,  
I say no more but strange things might be done.   

Dramatis Personae.  
Sr. John Oldfop. 
An Old Coxcomb that affects all the Vanities of Youth, rails at Old Age, and makes Love in behalf of Dullhead to Florella.  Waspish. 
A Pettish Old Fellow who pretends to humour, that neither sees, nor hears, without Artificial helps, Courts Florella with Writings of his Estate, etc.  Craftmore. 
A Gentleman that was a former Suitor to Florella, but leaves her on the score of her little tricks and Selfish humours, goes under the borrowed name of Bellamore, inclining to be jealous, etc.  Loveby. 
Agay young Gentleman of the Town, Friend to Craftmore somewhat wild, follows Dorinda on purpose to debauch her.  Dullhead. 
A dull Country Blockhead, not an inch removed from a fool, introduced as a Lover to FIorella by Sir John, and managed by Toby.  Toby. 
An arch fellow, Servant to Craftmore, one that helps him in his Intrigues, etc.  Strain Conscience and donnel. 
Two Servants to Sir John Oldfop, the first pretends to a tender Conscience but lies for him abominably, etc. The latter an Irish Footman, that blunders in all he does for him.   

WOMEN.  Florella. 
A brisk young Lady that loves to play tricks with her Lovers, and hates to see any one Courted but herself.  Dorinda. 
A very young Lady, Cousin to Craftmore, sent to observe the motions of his Mistress, pretends to be a mere Country Innocent, in Love with Loveby.  Lady fanciful. 
An old-stale Lady that was never married, very affected, and boasts of her former Lovers, and has a design on Dullhead.  Primrose. 
Woman to Florella, and helps her to play tricks with her Servants, etc.   
Watch, Bulkers, Scowrers, and Attendants, etc.   

ACT I.  

SCENE I.  Enter several watchmans; A Gentleman going from'em, and giving'em Money. 1. Watch. 
BLess you Sir; May you ever have a sound Wench, pleasing Dreams, and wholesome Wine.  All. 
How much is't? what is't boy?  1st. Watch. 
A Coach-wheel you Sons of Whores; sufficient, if managed to the best advantage, in Nappy Ale, to give us Courage enough to Hector an Alderman, beat a Common-Council-Man; and make us reel home like men of Business, and Watchmen of the better sort.  2. Watch. 
'Ounds and Taradiddle.  shows a Crown piece. they whoop. A Dance of Watchmen, etc. A great noise behind the Scene, they all leave dancing; and some run in Huzza, Scour, Scour, Bulkers, ware, ware; down with the Constable, ' 'ounds away with it, huzza, etc. Enter Sir John Oldfop, carried in a Sedan, and muffled up; the Irish Footman and another rolling in two Drunken Bulkers: Sir John comes out of his Chair, etc. Enter Dullhead leaping about. Dullh. 
O brave Cousin Sir John I swear, O brave Cousin Sir John I say— I would not for twenty Guinea's but I had rambled with you to Night. How do you like me now Cousin Sir John?  Sr. John. 
Crown me, ye Noble Hero's of the Night, ye Sons of darkness, Crown me, who now return in triumph from Conquering those Infernal Guards.  1st. Bulker. 
Drink about there, six in a hand. My head swims.  2d. Bulker. 
Hold Coachman, hold you Son of a Whore, I'll not give you one farthing if you drive a step further, help me out you dog, and get me a Whore; here's half a Crown for you.  donnel. 
By my Shoul dish is brave shport now; I did never see a Hogshead speak in Ireland— by shaint Luke's faith but I will shtop thy bunghole joy.  stops his mouth with dirt. Sr. John. 
Well Cousin. how like you our sport? Are not these delights incomparably beyond the dull insipid pleasures of a Country-Coxcomb's life; whose diversion is his toil, and cannot give him the distinguishing Character of a Gentleman.  Dulh. 
ud's foot, you're in the right on't, Cousin Sir John.  Sr. John. 
There after your filthy beastly sports, you meet at some little thatched Alehouse; and like our dirty tun-bellyed Carmen, overload your Stomaches, Stupify your brains; and put out the spark of reason with the thick fogs of fulsome vulgar Ale; then reel to bed, abundantly drunk by Nine a Clock: The Night was made for the frolics and revel of a Gentleman, and for none but poor labouring slaves to sleep in; Is not this abundantly a more refined way then yours? ha'!  Dulh. 
Ay, ne'er stir in't Cousin Sir John; and I am resolved for the future, I'll be plaguy unlucky, and grow as mad and frolicsome as the best of you.  leaps about and cries huzza! Enter to them several with Tongues, Gridirons, and such like Instruments; Two with a Kettle on their Shoulders on a Coulstaff, They all sit down round the Kettle, and sing and play; Footmen howls when they sing. Sr. John. 
Under this window, do you hear fellows.  

Song.  

Sweet Caelia look down from your window  
See how we our Claret environ;  
How we take off our Glass,  
At the sound of our brass,  
And th' harmony of our cold Iron.   

Chor.  
Strike up merry boys  
With your tongs and your keys,  
My Kettle I'll twank in the Chorus:  
We'll scour every street,  
And kick all we meet,  
And drive the whole World before us.   

2.  
The Cupids all hover around us,  
And then on your Casement they settle;  
As huge Clusters of Bees,  
Hang on twigs of green Trees,  
Charmed with the sweet sound of my Kettle.   

Chor.  
Strike up merry boys, etc.   

3.  
Ah Caelia look down from your window,  
And view your poor Lover a Strolling,  
How for puss I by night,  
Quarrel, scratch, brawl and fight,  
There's no Love to true Caterwauling.   

Chor.  
Strike up merry boys, etc.    At every Chorus one drinks; the rest Sing and Play on their Tongues, etc. Footmen howls at the last Chorus. Sr. John. 
Admirable humour egad: It is time we retire, see the Morning gins to peep abroad, with its Impertinent light— But hold Captain, fir●● let's hear the Catalogue of this Night's adventures; I shall be ill at rest all this day following if we have not done a plaguy deal of mischief.  1st. Man. 
Let's see; about some Eight Sign-Posts pulled down, as many Walls scald and Demollished, a dozen  Reads out of a Paper. 
Persons taken Prisoners; a few Straggling Whores pissed upon and kicked; Besides about as much glass broken as would serve for the windows of Paul's; Knockers pulled off from doors, and they from their hinges, innumerable; Signs blotted out, Cobblers and hucstkers Stalls broke open in abundance, to the confusion of old Shoes and Gingerbread; and the Watch kicked to the Devil.  Dulh. 
Sun, Moon, and Seven Stars! O brave Cousin Sir John I'll Swear, O brave Sir John I say.  Sir John. 
Huzza, Huzza! Come Captain, let's go off in Triumph.  1st. Man. 
March on ye Sons of Mars, and boys of Mettle, You clash your Iron; and I'll twank my Kettle.  Exit with a hideous noise.  

SCENE II. Lady Fancifulls' House.  Enter Florella and Primrose. Florella. 
Primrose.  Primr. 
Your pleasure Madam.  Florella. 
Come hither; pin up this Curl, and adjust the dress of my head:— Oh hideous, what a piece of Gallantry have we had here? If this trade hold; I must even change my lodgings; what with the hoarse cry of the Bell-mans' mortifying Rhymes, the Barbarous Music of tooting oboes, and the more Intolerable Civilities of Serenading fools, there's little rest to be taken; from such humours good Love deliver me.  Primr. 
No doubt Madam, but this was designed for a piece of Bravery; and I question not but to oblige you; as well as to show the Gentleman's wit and way of address.  Florell. 
The obligation would have been greater had he let it alone: prithee, canst thou Imagine who the person is, that has thus highly obliged me?  Primr. 
I'll lay my life on't Madam, this was one of Sr. John Oldfops Maggots; he scorns any thing that is vulgar, as he styles it.  Florell. 
That Infinite Coxcomb, that miscellany of fools; indeed he is always fond of all the folly's of the Town; and to make himself more Eminently ridiculous, varnishes o'er the Imperfections and deformities of old Age, with the gloss and affected gaiety of Youth; he has the vanity to think himself the only favourite; the very Adonis of the Ladies, tho' fool enough to be scorned by all: an eternal railer against Age, and will Curse it, tho' he knows the Imprecations must necessarily fall on his own head:  Enter Dorinda, as in a fright Dorin. 
Well, I must for some time at least, wear the mask of Dissimulation; Nor need I fear to be singular in this, Since our Sex very rarely appears without it.  aside to Florella 
O Gemini, what a pestilent noise has here been; I vow now I tremble every joint about me.  Florell. 
Here's a piece of Country-Innocence, rude and unpolished as a Sylvan, she's so very simple; one would swear she had lived Sequestered from the Conversation of mankind.— Come, come; lay aside your needless fears, little one; this was nothing but a Town humour, a Serenade.  Dorin. 
A Serenade, what is that? pray forsooth:  Florell. 
Why, an Entertainment that the gallants think to pleasure their Mistresses with; 'tis to put young Ladies in mind of their Servants; lest they should forget to dream of 'em.  Primr. 
Should the Sparks but know that you were hero, you'd quickly have the second part to the same tune, Madam.  Florell. 
They'd be continually Buzzing about you, like Bees in a Garden of Flowers. One would ogle and languish at you with his arms folded , and his head on one side thus. Another Cock, and look big upon you; rap out half a dozen modish oaths;— shake his Garniture, and pass by you with a low-diving bow; and a three quarter face, as thus,— A third descant on your perfections; as the delicacy of your lively Complexion; the Symmetry of your parts; the agreeableness of your features; and so loud, as you may be sure to hear him.  Primr. 
A fourth make verses upon you; treat; present and Serenade you.  Florell. 
And the fifth perhaps, something more foppish than the rest would passionately swear, your teeth were pearl, your Lips Coral, that your breath was perfumed with Arabian sweets, your eyes two Stars, nay two rising Suns for a need, and that on your Cheeks were two Beds of Roses, where the Cupids lay wantoning, and basking themselves, in their Golden Rays.  Dorin. 
O Gemini, this is fine I vow;— But would they indeed now forsooth.  Florell. 
Yes, yes, and more than all this; But you must not believe 'em; they are Rooks, and never play upon the square; foot-padders that lie upon the Road of Love to rifle maids of their virginities  Dorin. 
O living Dear; not believe them indeed;— but I would though: how would they rifle me of my virginity trow?— pray forsooth tell me;  Florell. 
That I'm to learn myself; I never made the experiment, O fie; I vow her simplicity makes me blush; I must divert her from this Idle discourse: prithee Dorinda what's your servant's name? when came he to town?  Dorin. 
O forsooth his name is Bellamore; he came last night, and his man has hired lodgings already for him in this house.— O If you did but see him;— he goes as fine as a Lord; and he tells me he has been at Court, and in France too  Florell. 
After what manner does he make Court to thee?  Dorin. 
O he gives me Oranges and Sweetmeats, Curious Ribbons and Laces, talks fine Compliments to me indeed; and calls me the prettiest names; tells me my lips are sprinkled o'er with honeydrops, then he'll kiss me, and kiss me again;— he told me too, that I must have a Care of the fine Gentlemen of the Town, for he said they'd make a Miss of me— I'd fain know what that is forsooth; pray will you tell me?  Florell. 
Methinks I long to see this Gentleman; I fancy he is a very agreeable person, at least more tolerable than those diverting Coxcombs I now entertain.  Primr. 
Now durst I venture the forfeiture of my Maidenhead to the next kind Devil I meet; this Mistress of mine is contriving to make prize of her Lover; for she'll entertain all sorts and sizes, tho' it be merely for her diversion; and hates to see any one courted besides herself; nay, for my part, I believe she would by her good will engross all mankind.  aside. Florell. 
Well, 'tis a most delicious morning; the clearness of the heavens, and the still air seem to invite us abroad.— Come Dorinda, are you for a walk?— I'll have you to the park where you shall see fine Ladies and Gentlemen;— get my dress ready against I return, and bid the Boy follow us to the Mall.  Dorin. 
Would the Gentlemen kiss a body tho? I vow, if they should, I'd ne'er endure 'em, that I would not,  

Successfully to Cheat, there's no pretence,  
Like to a well dissembled Innocence.   Exeunt.  

SCENE III. A private walk behind the House.  Enter Craftmore and Toby. Craft. 
Well Sir, how stand affairs?— is there any hope for my once shipwrackt vessel, now at last to return home with the prize of a humer some Mistress?— speak hast thou been there?— this is the time and place I appointed you to meet me at, is it not?  Toby walks up and down Carelessly all the while his Master speaks Toby. 
You are in the right on't Sir; and I perceive you are a man of a notable memory.  Craft. 
And you procured me lodgings in the house with hers, and seen 'em furnished fit to receive a Gentleman:  Toby. 
May be ay, Sir, and may be no, Sir,— I know nothing of the matter Sir,— I am very busy at the present— Your humble Servant Sir— [as going  Craft. 
'Sdeath! what does the Rascal mean? his Insolence and slight behaviour will provoke me;— But by this I imagine he has had success; and he only keeps me off as a politic mistress does her Servant, with a wanton kind of anger, faint denial, and a grateful little pettishness, only that when he comes to the business, he may embrace it the more eagerly [aside Than you'll not leap into the matter?  Toby. 
I understand you not— No, no, Sir, you know I am to lie upon Benches at Tavern-doors, till one or two a Clock with a Flambeaux in my hand, amongst an honourable train of footmen and link-boys; and for want of a tester to drink wine with flies in't, which the generous Bar-keeper is to give me out of a vessel that has been filled with the dregs, and Squeezing of an hundred several Bottles.  Craft. 
What? I suppose you remember the last week's business yet?  Toby. 
Then am I to be stripped of your old silk waistcoat here; and clapped into a wide-bodyed livery Coat, laid down on every Seam with a worsted Lace, of a Groat or three pence a yard, like a Country Esquires Coachman; and this was the Equipage poor Toby was to be in.  Craft. 
This is passed enduring,— Durst you hit me in the teeth— or murmur— you Son of a Whore? I'll slit your nose.  Toby. 
Have a care you know the Act Sir;— Slit my nose quoth a!— That's pretty I'faith;— Slit my nose quoth a!  walks up and down as in a huff. Craft. 
Hell and the Devil; this 'tis to employ our Senyants: a man had better be at the necessary Charge of a procuring friend then trust 'em;— For when once they know your Secrets, and that they are absolutely necessary in doing you a kindness, they grow more Saucy than a Rich Citizen to a young Student that owes him money; and so at last they become more Master than yourself.— Know you Rascal, who I am; and who you are?  Toby. 
Yes, yes, Sir, I was your Servant; and now I am not your Servant; and so as I said before, as by way of Compliment, I am your humble Servant.  Craft. 
How! you hungry Scrap-eater, what mean you Rascal? I'll swinge you,— This shall bring you to a better knowledge of yourself—  beats him. Toby. 
Nay Master, hold;— Oh the Devil, Sir,— Oh for heaven's sake Sir,— as I hope to be saved 'twas all in jest,— pox on't— Nay now Master, you overact your part too;— I beseech you a little Cessation from arms, as I hope for mercy from you now, I thought no harm: too much is too much.— Sir, to be as short with you as I can at present, your business is done beyond Expectation.  Runs about, sometimes cringing, fawning, shruging and grinning. Leaves off beating, Toby shrugs. Craft. 
So; at last, you have spoken to the purpose; but I thought thou hadst known that it is as ill jesting with an hungry Lover, as an hungry Lion: For if once you Tantalise him with his prey, if possible he Seizes on his keeper. Remember this, and take it from me.  Toby. 
Nay Sir; no doubt but I shall remember I took it from you: plague on this Lyon-way of Civility tho' for me.  shrugs aside. Craft. 
And now Sir, as you hope not to use a Surgeon, or to look like an old mangled fencer, with your pate embroidered with hacks and slashes; and perhaps the disuse of a member or two, let's have no more of these Bawdy-house tricks; and here for this time I strike a league with you, and now let me have a faithful account of Dorinda and your proceed.  gives him money. Toby. 
Now the Devil take me, if I can forbear telling this Master of mine the Business: ' plague, 'twould ne'er vex a man to have a broken pate, if he's well paid for't. There's some Conscience in this,—  aside. Craft. 
Well Sir, to the Business.  puts up the money, bows and cringes. Toby. 
In fine then Sir; (as a man may say) I have taken up Lodgings for you at my Lady Fancyfulls, that Pageant of formalities; and monument of Antiquity; she who deports herself so amorously towards every body; who's still mustering up her hundred thousand sweetheart's, pretended presents, and Love-letters, which she always carries about with her.  Craft. 
Then as to Dorinda.  Toby. 
Why things are in a very fair way there too; she goes without the least suspicion, and her disguise sits upon her so agreeably that you'd almost be deceived yourself in her.  Craft. 
And is Loveby in Town?  Toby. 
Yes Sir; well Sir, I say no more;— You're a happy man.  
Sings:  

I showed 'em such money as made 'em all mad,  
But they're quite deceived in Toby, etc.   Craft. 
I'm glad of it for some private Reason:— I suppose by this time, he's very much reformed.  Toby. 
O Sir extremely; he drinks bloodily, Swears devoutly, and wenches like a Gentleman; for whereas he used to keep a brace of punks or so, now instead of them he deals with half a score, and that he may still have a fresh supply, when he grows weary, he quarrels with the old, to pleasure a new Mistress; and so he Intends to lie round with all the women in the Town by degrees.  pulls out his money and sings as before. Craft. 
What at your old tricks?  shakes his Cane at him Toby. 
Mum, mum, Sir.— [lays his hand on's mouth, bows and cringes as before.  Craft. 
All things have hitherto fortunately met my Expectation, the rest must be partly effected, by my own Care and Conduct; See that all things are in readiness at my Lodgings and wait for me there.  Ex. Craftmore. Toby goes forward: The Scene Changes to my Lady Fancyfulls' house. Enter Primrose. Primr. 
Sweet Mr. Toby, yours.  Toby. 
Mrs' Primrose, Yours to the Antipodes;  bows and offers to pull up her Coats. Primr. 
So sharp set this morning; when comes your Master to his Lodgings?  Toby. 
This morning I think, he bid me wait for him here; pox, I care not when he comes; O when shall I come into the Closet of your affections?  

Sings.  
I took her by the Lily white hand,  
And led her into the Garden,  
I kissed her once and kissed her twice,  
For fourpences halfpenny farthing.   Turns her round; first on one side and kisses her, and then on the other side and kisses her. Primr. 
Come, pray Mr. Toby let's have no more of this Lip-work; If you turn a kissing-fool I shall begin to suspect you are good for nothing else;— But prithee how long is't since you left your old Master Sir Thomas?  Toby. 
Ever since I lived with this— Prithee when wilt thou leave thy old Mistress?  Primr. 
Faith even when she'll keep me no longer— I understand your Master is a Servant to Dorinda, the young innocent Country Lady.  Toby. 
Yes, he's as great an admirer of Innocence, as thou art of fine , or an handsome smug-faced fellow— what's become of that knot of fools that used to haunt thy Lady?  Prim. 
Why some will be forthcoming anon; we have a leash of choice culled Asses;— first there's Oldfop, one that was knighted, that he might appear more Eminently a Coxcomb.  Toby. 
What? he that is of kin to Dullhead the Booby, Esq. that lately arrived here?— This latter is so Silly an Idiot, but for the interest of some Court-friends, his Estate had been begged long  this.  Primr. 
Right there's a brace, and this dough▪ baked fool is to be Introduced I near by his Cousin, as a Suitor to my Lady: Next; there's a superannuated fondling, that has lived to be twice a Child; one that numbered more years than he has hairs on his head.  Toby. 
Old Waspish you mean; why he has not had the use of a sense these ten years; he's a deaths-head; and enough to put one in mind of mortality, and then he's so feeble he seems to bend beneath the weight of his .  Primr. 
He neither sees nor hears, without Artificial helps; and if he chance to find you speak, and he hears you not, he Immediately conjectures you abuse or deride him; then he falls into a passion, and grows as pettish, as one lately recovered from a long fit of sickness, he fancies himself a great humourist, and thinks that, together with the writings of his Estate, which he always brings with him, sufficient to atone for all his folly and Imperfections. Adds my life, stand back: here he comes, with all his trangums about him.  Toby retires to one side of the Stage Enter Waspish with a great bundle of Parchments under his arm; with his speaking-Trumpet struck at his Girdle, and his Spying-glass in his hand; takes his Glass and looks on her. Wasp. 
So, so, very well I protest; very well I protest; 'tis you M Prim, speak not a word yet Mrs. ●rim.  pulls out his trumpet, claps it to his Ear, and comes toward her. 
Not too loud Mrs Prim.— now tell me of pretty little Florella;— Ah! 'tis a Rogue, a pretty Rogue, I fack:  Primr. 
My Lady Sir.—  Primrose speaks in the Trumpet as loud as she can bawl, he starts. Wasp. 
O fie Mrs. Prim. not so loud, not so loud; I warrant you think me quite deaf, I say you think me deaf, no such matter; O fie, fie, you make as much noise in my Ears, as the Trumpets of Six Troops of horse. I'm a little thick of hearing, 'tis true: O Come, come, here's a  for you, a Philip and Mary; a five piece, a pretty piece, a very pretty piece; Nay, nay, you shall take it, a pretty piece I vow: so, so, now try again Mrs. Prim.  looks hard on't, as he gives it her. Primr. 
My Lady Sir—  In a pretty loud tone. Wasp. 
Very well, very well, I protest; exactly in that tone, in that pitch; let's bear it Mrs▪ Prim.  Prim. 
My Lady is gone to the Park this morning, Sir, for a walk, but I expect her home within this hour:  Toby laughs and she laughs in the Trumpet. Wasp. 
ud's bodkin; Carrion, Strumpet, laugh at me; I protest, laugh at me when I have been so generous, Snoons speak not a word, not a word,  Runs after her as fast as he can, she in dumb signs expresses her sorrow for ang'ring him. she comes Curtsying to him 
Come here;  
I forget and forgive—  Primr. 
Sir I've a grievous Cold, and am so perplexed with a tickling Cough, I hope you'll excuse what I could not avoid, Sir.  Wasp. 
Yes, yes, Come Mrs. Prim. all's over, all's over— Come let's here the rest Mrs. Prim.  Primr. 
You may assure yourself you are not the least in her favour; for you were the last she spoke of when she went to bed last night; and the first this morning, when she risen.  Wasp. 
Say you so, say you so, I protest; Incomparable Creature. Divine Charming Florella:  walks about as pleased 
put her in mind of me Mrs. Prim.— I know she likes my pretty Innocent humours, Come hither M Prim. kiss me, Udsbodikins kiss me I say:  jumps two or three little jumps towards her. 
kiss me you Rogue,— I know she likes my humours, I'll tickle you, Udsbodikins I'll tickle you.  Toby. 
I can hold no longer—  laughs out and she smiles Wasp. 
What again? Snoons grant me patience, Devil Incarnate, what do you mean?— I protest unsufferable, give me my money again, or I'll give out you robbed me;— I know the marks and can swear to the peace, Snoons—  Throws his stick at Toby, his Trumpet at Primrose, and goes off in a Rage. Primr. 
I must after this old Monkey, and soothe him into a better humour if I can  Toby. 
Prithee stay, I can't be without your good Company, your Conversation is so Charming:  languishes on her. Primr. 
Sweet Mr. Toby; your good nature will ruin you.  Toby. 
Not when I bestow it on one who will be grateful, and make suitable returns▪  offers to kiss her Primr. 
No fooling; I must try to pacify and secure this pettish old Coxcomb: Sr. John Oldfop will be here I suppose, within this half hour; And should they meet, he'd snub him and torment him, to that degree; he'd fly from the house, as from the Plague; and my Lady would lose great part of this days diversion.  Toby. 
Faith they are a brace of pleasant old Coxcombs, and make a more Comical figure, than the most accomplished young Fops she could have met with.  

A numerous herd of Fools, still stock the Nation,  
And he that's no fool now, is out of fashion:  
But tho' new Coins for Fools are daily making,  
The old Fools still pass best, and are more taking.   

And I took her, etc.   leads her out Dancing. 
The End of the First Act.    

ACT II.  

SCENE I.  Enter Loveby with his Footman. Loveb. 
ARe you sure you dogged her into this house?  Footm. 
Yes Sir.  Loveby. 
Faith the little Rogue has fired my blood; she's young and beautiful as an opening Rose; and has such pretty wanton Rolling eyes, But withal such an overruling Modesty.— A temptation like this would make a Saint stand on his Guard: For my part, I must confess my frailty.— I can no more forbear Importuning this new beauty, than a Rook can fleecing a new Cully;— I have no other Business for you now; about two meet me at the Eating-house.  Exit Footman. Enter Primrose. Primr. 
Mr. Loveby here! Nay, then here's some intrigue in hand; my life for't, the young Country Lady is the mark he aims at, his hankering about a Lady's door is as certain a sign of some Amour , as a mask in the Pit is of a trading Wench.  aside. Loveb. 
A good morning to thee Primrose, is thy Lady at home?  Primr. 
Yes Sir; she came in just before you; and the other Lady you saw in the Mall this morning.  Loveb. 
How the Devil came she to know that?  Primr. 
I can tell you this for your Comfort, your market's forestalled; there's a Gentleman lately come to Town, has given earnest for her already.  Loveb. 
No matter; 'tis not amiss to know how the Prizes of the Marks go tho', that a man may learn how to make his bargain the better another time. But seriously art thou sure the Lady's disposed of?  Primr. 
He seems to be something Concerned;— [aside] Sir, 'tis reported so I'll assurs you.— It fares with a fresh beauty in this Town, as with a fly fluttering on the top of the water; you shall ●●●e forty sparks rising at her; and 'tis ten to one, if some one does not chop ●er down at last— [aside— I vow Mr. Loveby I wonder at your fancy, that amongst so great choice of riper Clusters you should pick out green grapes.  Loveb. 
Pox; this hungry she-Cannibal is fasting this morning, and has a mind to breakfast on man's flesh— [aside]— I am sorry I can't oblige you; you must understand we men of great dealing, carry but little ready money about us.  Primr. 
I perceive you misconstrue me;— If you did but hear the Lady's talk of you, as I have;— They say you are the wildest most Unconstant Wenching Gentleman, that ever came to Town.  Loveb. 
In that they wrong me; for I stand with open arms ready to embrace every kind she that comes by.— If there be any Inconstancy, it is in them, in flying from me. I'm sure I am as civil a person to 'em, as any I have heard of; and do intent to oblige 'em all, as fast as I can.— The Devil's in't if this be Inconstancy.  Primr. 
The very thing they upbraid you with; they say you always Ungratefully deseit an old Mistress; tho' she had been ever so kind to you, if you have but the least prospect of a new one.  Loveb. 
Faith; In my Opinion they're a Company of Unreasonable Creatures to desire a man to wear out his whole life in the service of one, when there are hundreds that expect the same kindness;— An old mistress, like a Cast-suit is to be worn on rainy days only; but to be thrown off and laid by when a new one shines on us.  Enter Dorinda. Dorin. 
O living dear! I wonder he stays so long from me, I doubt he's unkind.  Loveb. 
No Madam; I dare pass my word for the Gentleman, he is not, for he is here, or one at least, that can boast of as noble and generous a passion for you; as the greatest Idolater of your fair eyes.  goes to her; offers to kiss her hand, she snatches it from him. Primr. 
He has her as Cocksure as if she was between a pair of sheets with him;— With what an awful respect he approached her; with what a profound Reverence he bowed; what a Softness and languishing he wore in his looks.  aside. Dorin. 
O living Sir; I wonder you'll offer to do so; you made me start at the very sight of you; I never saw you before in all my life.  Loveb. 
What Country-Innocence is here?— [aside— It proceeds Madam from the shortness of your memory, and the Coldness of your Affections, that you have so soon forgot me.  Dorin. 
A person of a becoming boldness; and has the looks and breeding of a Gentleman,— aside— O Gemini, Sir, and do you know me indeed? I can't believe you, I vow and swear now.  Loveb. 
I had the honour to kiss your fair hands in the Country, Madam.  Primr. 
I am amazed at his Confidence. On my Conscience he never saw her till this morning; I wonder what fetch he has now?  Loveb. 
Primr see help me out, or I Gad I'm graveled. What Countrywoman, her name quickly?  Primr. 
Horrid! Sir, have you no Conscience?— Her name Dorinda, near Canterbury in Kent.  gives her money. Loveb. 
Dear, Dear Dorinda; and have I slipped out of your memory since I saw you in Kent last.— How do all our acquaintance near Canterbury?  Dorin. 
A forward Gentleman— [aside]— But do you know me indeed and indeed now?  Lo●eb. 
Perfectly well, Madam; and I came to wait on you to present you with a new Song.  

Song:  

Forbear fond God, forbear your Dart,  
Seek not to wound a dying heart:  
At Cloes feet it gasping lies,  
A bleeding Victim to her Conquering Eyes.   

2  
From her Death's such a pleasing Pain,  
I'd only live to die again:  
With joy to him, the blow is given,  
That has so near a prospect of his heaven.   

3  
You and the little Loves all fly  
To light their Torches at her eye;  
By her alone, your Empires thrive,  
This Vestal keeps Love's Sacred fire alive.   

4  
Then Cloe, 'tis not strange that you  
Weak Mortals, Yielding hearts Subdue;  
Since you another Venus prove,  
And give new being to the God of Love.    
pardon my Ambition Madam, that I dare approach so much Divinity  offers to kiss her. Prim. 
If she has but one juscious touch, of his melting lip, She's lost for ever: It will dissolve and distil itself into her heart, in a warm shower of Love.  aside. Dorin. 
If you offer to kiss me, I vow and swear I'll Scream out as loud as I can: I wonder you'll serve a body so; you Gentlemen have no modesty I think.  Loveb. 
'Tis not fit we should, such young Ladies as you have so much of it, that had we any, we should never beget a Right understanding betwixt us;— Madam, be pleased to use me as your Servant; to show you the splendour of the Court; the Celebrated Beauties of the Drawing-Room, and the pleasures of an high-Mall.  Enter Florella. Florell. 
Mr. Loveby here, and so intimate already with Dorinda? Indeed I observed he wheeled about us, to day, like a Kite that often sails round the same Circuit of air, when in quest of her prey— [aside— What Sir, treating about Love; methinks you have made haste to be so forward, on the road already.  Loveb. 
Madam, in Business of Importance, we usually ride post; was I to dispatch a weighty affair for my friend, I'd not ride a dull Carrier's pace; Love's upon the wing, and must be nimbly pursued.  Dorin. 
Indeed forsooth I believe this is one of the Sparks you spoke of, he was so rude, he would have kissed me.  Florell. 
I thought a person worn so much by the full-blown Beauties of the Town, would not have made a stoop, for so young a Quarry. I must confess the Lady has a great favour, but to Converse with a Beau-garcon; one of your Accomplishments Sir.  Loveb. 
Madam; I can't complain much of my ill fate;— Some women think me worth picking up; my only misfortune is, your opinion is different from theirs: I should be Completely happy did you approve their choice.  Enter a Servant to Dorinda. Seru. 
Madam, there's a strange Gentleman within desires to speak with you.  Dorin. 
Tell him, I wait on him.  Exit Seru. 
This Mr. Loveby wears such Charms about him; it will be as difficult to Escape him; as 'tis dangerous to love  

Pity you gallants should so wedded be  
To Wildness, Falsehood and Inconstancy.   Aside to the Pit. Florell. 
All Certainly that have the honour to know you, must applaud and envy 'em for't.  Loveby. 
Madam; did not I know your Influence on our Sex, and that you turned our Love into Ridicule, I should be so vain, as to think you had not really an Aversion to me.  Florella. 
O fie Mr. Loveby, this from you?  Loveb. 
But you are one of the topping, reigning Beauties of the Town; an Impregnable for't; not to be taken by the Sallies of Wit; nor even the brisk attempts of Love and Honour: You from your exalted height can look down with a Contemning Smile, on your Shipwrecked Lovers, toiling and beaten about by a tempestuous Sea.  Florell. 
A Blustering piece of Rhetoric this; and very fit for the description of a Tempest,— [laughs— If you did but see how prettily you looked, when you spoke it— laughs again.] With that Demureness I warrant you, and Compassion in your looks, and such dying eyes; really it is Impossible to hold out long, against so many Charms; we shall have you fall into a fit of Rhyming anon.  Enter Sr. John Oldfop: behaving himself very Ridiculously, and Foppishly dressed. Primr 
Madam, Madam, here's Sr. John come.  Sr. John. 
Dear Madam, I kiss your hand ten thousand times: Mr. Loveby, your most devoted Servant; you are a great favourite of the Ladies; this Lady yielding you the honour of her Conversation, is a confirmation of it.  Loveb. 
'Tis you Sr. John are the Idol of the fair Sex▪ you Charm their Eyes, and Captivate their hearts; you're the Sole commander of all Love's Troops; we are but Idle spectators and admirers of your great Conquests.  Sir John. 
I have Contracted a familiarity with some persons of quality in this Town: they do me the honour to use me as their Servant in public.  Florell. 
Now's this Conceited Fop, ready to boast of kindnesses he never Received.  aside. Loveb. 
Let us but soothe him, and be urgent with him upon the point, and he'll be so vain as to tell us, he has debauched all the great Beauties at Court.— He'll make the Drawing-Room his Seraglio; tho' he never arrived to the acquaintance of a Change woman; or his Seamstress— [aside— and in private ●oo Sr. John, a person of your Jantee Insinuating way, must needs be taken into Consideration.  Sr. John. 
I must confess I have an Intimacy, with some particular Ladies that shall be nameless. We woman's men, never boast of your favours Madam—  bows to Florella. Florell. 
O Sir; you men of Intrigue as well as Soldiers, learn to know that silence is your first word of Command.  Sr. John. 
Madam, 've hit my humour— [bows] I thank you for that Lady: I gad I had almost forgot to tell you of a pleasant accident between me and a person of quality, in Hyde-park, lately: I side-glassed her, and kissed my hand to her.— I gad, I never saw her to my knowledge in my life before:— She Immediately sent her Page to me with a Billet-Deux; wherein she begged the honour of a meeting: and this very Lady, I have appointed to come to my Apartment; within this half hour.  Florell. 
Then we shall lose the pleasure of your good Company, Sr. John.  Sr. John. 
No dear Madam; I'll disappoint her, to Regale myself with the gallantries of your Ladyship— I know her Excess of Love will easily form an excuse for my neglect.  Enter Donnel footman to Sr. John. Donnel. 
Ahgra, besht tou here joy? By Shaint Patrick I did think thou didshst lost me.  Sr. John. 
What is the Lady come, Sirrah?  Donnel. 
Lady, Lady; what Lady joy?  Loveby 
A pleasant Scene towards:  aside. Sr. John. 
You Ignorant Rascal;— Why the Lady I bid you wait for with her Coach and six; attended by a very great Equipage.  Donnel. 
Ecpash! prithee Joy phat is dat? there be no such wort in Ireland, by my shoul:— I did she no Lady, But I will go fetch thee a Lady in a Coach if thou wilt joy:  Sr. John throws his wig and walks as angry. 
Ahgra; by Chreesht I did forgot; thou do'sht mean the Lady, thou disht bid me say, was come to see thee.  Sr. John. 
This Rascal Mr. Loveby; this thick-sculled fool, Madam, does not well understand English, and so did not take my meaning.  Florell. 
So it seems.  Sir John pulls out his Watch. Sr. John. 
My watch speaks not the time of the appointment yet, it wants half a quarter.  Donnel. 
If thy wash did shay sho: I would make beat on thy washeses pate; and tell him, he did lie to his faish, look thee joy.  Sr. John. 
Run Immediately,—  
hay Rascal; take your message with you.  Donnel runs without his message. Donnel. 
I did take my message when I will come back: Thou didsht bid me run firsht.  Sr. John. 
Whither, you senseless puppy?  Donnel. 
By my Shoul, I know not; but I will run to Ireland for thee, if thou will't Joy.  Sr. John 
Hark you; Run to my Lodgings and stay there till I or the Lady comes: Do you hear Sirrah? mend that damned Bogg-trotting pace of yours: [Donnel mends his pace on a sudden.] Madam, I am troubled with this Inanimate Clod of Irish-Dirt.— I but keep the poor Rogue for my Diversion when I am out of humour; the awkard Fool serves to make me laugh.  Loveby. 
Pox; I trifle away my time with this gay-plumed Parrot. I must have the other Encounter with this pretty little Innocent Creature. Her fair Image glides through my eyes into my heart, and has there left the deep Impression of her dear self.— Methinks I feel strange motions within me; pray heavens they prove not the qualms of settled Love.  Exit. Sr. John. 
The Son of a whore my Tailor, Madam; has cut my Coat damnable ill. Bungling Puppy;  All this while Sr. John views himself, tours and flings his wig; sometimes singing, or whistling or Dancing. 
He has no Genius Madam: The fancy was wholly mine: How do you like it?— But for the proportion of my Body the Rascal has rendered me ridiculous.  turns himself about. Florel. 
I protest Sir John, you're extremely well dressed; and every thing sits on you, so nicely exact; and with such a becoming Air;  
How the Peacock spreads his  he walks about, adjusts his dress, looks upon himself. 
Plumes and strutts.  aside. Sr. John. 
Madam, I labour not to be Scandalous,  Florell. 
But ridiculous.  aside. Sr. John. 
A Gentleman ought to be known as well by his garb, and manner of dress, as a Bully by a black eye, a Buff Belt, and a long Sword; Madam, I am happy this my dress has gained the Reputation of your applauded judgement— [bows] but should be Infinitely more so, could my person obtain the Approbation of your Love.  Florell. 
I know this gay nauseous Coxcomb would be harping on that string— [laughs aside] Sir, it is more than a Conquest even to yield when you Invade: The Honour you did me this Morning, obliges me at least to pay an Acknowledgement; Sir, you have a peculiar way of Gallantry.  Sr. John. 
The women are pleased to think my manner Novel and taking— 'Twas a humour not Vulgar by the young fiddling, Serenading-Fops of the Town; In confidence of which I took this freedom, knowing in Justice I ought not to serve any woman before your Ladyship.  Florell. 
Incorrigible Fop.  aside. Sr. John. 
You had the Virginity of the humour— For which Madam I might with some pretence Claim a right to yours, by way of Retaliation,  laughs and bows▪ 
There I think I was full patt and home upon you, I Gad.  Florell. 
Fulsome fool; He takes this for wit, but he deserves for his Impudence to be swinged by Footmen: But the pleasure of laughing at him shall be his punishment.  aside. Sr. John. 
Madam, I would not tempt you to that dull unfashionable formality of Matrimony, had not I a true English Blockhead a Cousin of mine, to be the Screen to your Honour: Providence ordained fools for Husbands, that the kind Ladies might without Scandal Converse with and gratify Men of Parts and Breeding.  Florell. 
Dear Sir John, you are too obliging really.  seems fond of him. Sr. John. 
He has the Proverb on his side; and can jointure you well: But if you think not his Estate sufficient, I'll add four or five hundred pounds a year to it, the satisfaction I shall receive from your Charming Conversation will pay me back with Interest.  Florell. 
Dear Sir when comes he?  Sr. John. 
He is now in Town;— I'll borrow myself from you a little to send for him;— Dear, dear Madam, pardon my abrupt departure.— Think not my absence tedious, upon my honour I'll return Instantly.—  Exit. Florell. 
I think I shall not; this is a strange conceited Coxcomb; he's a mint of folly; and Coins himself new fool every minute.  Enter Waspish: Prim. 
Madam; here is old Waspish; and has brought with him the writings of his Estate. I put him into a strange fit of anger to day; and have but just calmed him.  Florell. 
Tell him we'll give him Auidence.— His humour will divert the cloying thoughts of the others; and give a new pleasure;— Bless me, sure 'tis fool-fair.  Wasp. holds his glass up to his eye. Wasp. 
O Mrs. Florry, Mrs. Florry; your humble Servant, sweet Mrs. Florry.  Florell. 
We must take care how we vex him; he takes fire at the least spark. Welcome Sir—  He puts his trumpet to his ear, and she speaks in it. Wasp. 
Say you so, say you so; very well, I protest very well.— Nay I think you like my humours, my pretty little Innocent humours;— Udsbodykins, you're a Charming Creature; a fair, brisk, sprightly, lively Creature—  jumps little short jumps between every word. 
You little Fubs you; you Pug you; I protest I love you.  Florell. 
And there are those that have a passion for you Sir, but Modesty will not let 'em speak.  Prim. 
I cannot contain, I shall laugh outright, I've almost bitten my lips to pieces.  Wasp. 
Come, come, I protest, Confess, Confess; I know who spoke of, who last; when somebody went to Bed; and first when she risen this morning; ha'! ha'! you little Fubs you; you Pug you; I'll by't you; I'll by't you  He sings and Danies ridiculously. 

My Love and I, did lately sit,  
Playing for sport, at Cherry-pit;  
She threw, I cast, and having thrown,  
I got the pit, and she the Stone.   
Good I protest, very good I protest; I got the pit, etc.  repeats o'er the verse 2 or 3 times. Florell. 
Pardon me Sir; I protest you have such pleasant humours; you'd kill a body with laughing.  Wasp. 
Ah! I protest; I knew you liked my humours; you little Fubs you, I'm sure you like my humours.  He proposes and answers himself: what will you do for the K.? what will you do for his Foes? walks about like a Soldier with his Trumpet on his shoulder, then halts. Enter Sr. John Oldfop. Florell. 
Now for a fit of railing.  aside. Sr. John. 
Ha', ha', ha', here's an old fool; a nauseous, old, and an humoursome fool as he thinks.— Damn the Rogue, I'll laugh at him.— [laughs at him.  Primr. 
He does not perceive him yet, here's fine work towards.  Sr. John. 
Pox; he has not the use of a sense; a rotten Carcase that is almost buried in the ruins time has thrown on him. I hate to see a Nauseous old fool, Madam, I wonder you can endure his Impertinences.  Florell. 
I use him only for my Diversion; as my Monkey, or Shock-Dog.  Sr. John. 
Should you bring your monkey, yet in my opinion you're a prettier figure yourself, and far more diverting.  Wasp. sees his lips move. Wasps. 
Snoons, snoons;— I protest he abuses me;— speak Mrs. Prim. He abuses me; Udsbodykins a Fop; an old worn out Court-fop— He abuses me!— Snoons,— Snoons.  Exit stamping and shaking his stick. Sir John. 
Pardon me Madam; that I could not pay my Devoires to you before;— This damned old Fool, has almost put me out of humour;— My Cousin will be here presently Madam to wait on you.  Enter Craftmore and Lady Fancyfull dressed with a great many Precious Stones. Sr. John. 
Pox; fanciful here! She'll be a worse plague than the other. Come Madam; let you and I retire.  Florell. 
I must beg your Excuse. Here is a stranger I must pay my respects to.  L. Fanci. 
I'm glad Sir, you like your Lodgings; I vow I cannot Choose but stare on you; with a little more than ordinary concern: You're so like a former Servant of mine; I cannot but admire his picture in your person. Pardon my rudeness:  very amorously. Craft. 
I'm glad Madam, I can contribute any way to your satisfaction; heavens, She'll bait me to death;  aside. La. Fanci. 
Your servant Sr. John: Your servant Madam.  Sr. John. 
Plague on her Unseasonable Civilities; now must we be troubled with her Impertinences. She's a sheet of Riveled parchment, on which is Impressed a perpetual Almanac. By her you may know, when we shall have wind, rain or snow; and all the alterations of weather.  aside. 
Madam we have business; and we shall buy no pedlars ware.  Here Mad fanciful pulls out a little Cabinet opens the Cabinet. Fanci. 
Pedlar's ware! I'd have you to know, here's nothing but what is almost of Inestimable value— Do you call this Pedlar's ware?  Florell. 
So nows she's in.  aside. Fanci. 
Pray Sir, do me the honour to hold this a little; I'll show you as Choice presents, as the most Celebrated Beauty of 'em all. Here's a Locket of Diamonds, that was given me by Sir. Thomas Court-hard.  Sr. John. 
They are false; and the Locket is not worth above a Guinea; Damn her; she'll put me out of humour.  aside. Fanci. 
I would not that Sr. Thomas heard you; He give me false stones?— Then here's a little pocket-glass of my Lord Modishes; cased with beaten Gold.  Craft and Florella every now and then look hard one on another. Sr. John. 
Be ruled by me and break it;— Should you look into't it; you'd certainly run mad the next minute and hang yourself.  Fanci. 
I dare look in't, you see; without the danger you speak of. Then here's a Lock of hair of my Lord Passionate's; which he gave me a little before he died.  Sr. John. 
O keep it, keep it; you may have use for't.  Fanci. 
Then here are three Rings, a Seal, and a Watch:— O dear, and here's a Love letter of Sir George Fair-titles: Do but hear what a fine penned thing ' 'tis.  Sr. John. 
Damn her, I shall rail outright presently; affected Fool, Come Madam will you go? her discourse Nauseates.  Fanci. 
Indeed you shall not go, and leave me alone with this Gentleman.  Sr. John. 
I understand you, Madam; we'd rid you of that trouble: Come pray will you honour us with your Company.  Craft 
Thou hast released me from one Curse, to plague me with a greater, did not the Company of that dear Saint sweeten it with a blessing that far exceeds both?  aside. Sr. John. 
Madam, the favour of your hand.  Florell. 
I could better afford it that Gentleman.  aside. Exit omnes. Fanci. 
A Rude Uncivil person; Sr. Frederick Wilful would not have served me so:  praeter fanciful. Here she set her things in order. 
Well, lie thou there good Sr. George, and Sr. Thomas, there; My Lord Modish there; My Lord Passionate and the rest in their order. Once I was Courted [sighs— But none now a days are held in vogue, but young illbred, tawdry things, that can wantonly, roll their eyes, play with their head, heave up their breasts; And that delight in Obscene Closet-peices and lascivious Poems, [looks in a pocket-Glass.] and yet methinks these features are not so ill designed;— This brow is high and smooth enough; And these eyes sparkling; These Cheeks have the just mixture of the Rose and Lily— [Rubs 'em.]— and if I am not Mistaken, here's a lip as Red as a Cherry: [bites her lips]— my teeth indeed are not so white and even: But youth itself sometimes has its blemishes.  

What the Age did my drooping glories shroud,  
Yet by the Envious, it must be allowed  
The Sun still shines, tho' 'tis behind a Cloud.   
The End of the Second Act.    

ACT III.  

SCENE I.  Enter Craftmore in a Passion, with Toby. Craft. 
A Woman to be believed? yes, so is a Courtier when he promises you preferment; or a crafty wheedling Tradesman when he commends his Commodities to you upon his Credit.  Toby. 
Why, Sir, Sir— he certainly dreams and talks in his sleep: [aside. Why you rail more furiously against your Mistress, than you would at a Punk that has clapped you: and because she admitted Dullhead but now, tho' merely to laugh at him, you're grown as jealous as a Tradesman newly married to a plump juicy Wench in an University.  Craft. 
She's false, false as hell. Should any one assert a Woman could go to Heaven, I should suspect Providence, Embrace Atheism as Orthodox, and sound Divinity; and make it my Creed that all things were governed by the uncertain whirl of blind chance.  Toby. 
What Sir, are you turned Fanatic, that you rave thus against the Civil Government of your Mistress?  Craft. 
Perfidious Florella, the Common Custom of discountenanced Fools; how respectfully did she entertain that Indigested lump of Ignorance; How she smiled when he spoke; enough to inform the dull Mast with new life and Soul, and seemed to applaud every thing he said.  Toby 
heavens bless this Master of mine, we shall have him picking of straws within these two days— Sir, Sir, if you are come to yourself and know your humble Servant ●oby— [bows] take my advice and go cool you in the Garden: you'll boil o'er anon, and betray yourself to your Mistress.  Craft. 
Yes, Sirrah; I will discover myself, upbraid her to her face; Charge her with her knot of Fools, Curse her hearty, resolutely leave her, then fly into some obscure Village, mew myself up in a lonely Cell, and there rail at her, and her whole Sex with my last gasp of breath.  Toby. 
You had best run stark staring mad with causeless Jealousies, fall into a fit of despair, hang yourself in an ill humour, and to cross a good old Proverb, go to the Devil in a string.  Craft. 
My humour will not bear with your fooleries at present.  heaves up his Cane. Toby. 
Mum, Mum, Sir, Mum;— A pox on these pettish Lovers for me—  lays his hand on's mouth, and bows. aside. Craft. 
And my business requires you to be serious.  Toby. 
Then observe me, Sir, I'll undertake to manage this business to your satisfaction: I'll render Dullhead, if possible, more Ridiculous, Choose Oldfop of a blessing on my endeavours, and fright the easy Squire, and the Lady fanciful into a fit of Matrimony, and thus make your access so easy to your Mistress, she shall fall into your hand, and lie and wriggle there, like a trout when tickled.  Craft. 
'Tis Impossible.  Toby. 
For you to be convinced; But Sir, since you startle thus at a Bugbear of your own creating, leave the success of your Amour to me; If I do not bring her to your Arms, may I despair of the smiles of a smutty Kitchen-Wench, and for my default, undergo the severity of Whip and Bell, with the turn-spits.  Craft. 
I scorn the spoils of a Mistress, procured for me, by the Stratagems of my Slave, as much as I would the honour of a Triumph, when I had never the Courage to be in the Action: Should thy mean Conduct bring her to a Surrender, she'd fall so low in my esteem, that I should think her beneath my Consideration.  Toby. 
But Sir, 'twould not be amiss to have a Scout to view the Posture of the Enemy.  Craft. 
True; but I'll post myself so honourably, that if I succeed, the greatest share of Glory gained in this Conquest shall Crown my attempts: Wherefore I'll immediately forge a Letter, and therein tax her with Pride, and Inconstancy, wound her Reputation, and withal, insinuate to her, I have provided myself with a Mistress, far more Beautiful, and one that suits nearer to my Inclinations.  Ex. Craft. Toby. 
Zooks, ply her there, Sir, the day's your own: Enter your Troy, and take your Helena: If she's not your Captive, I in revenge will grow lousy in spite of clean linen, turn Pimp in good earnest, and so devoutly die in an honourable and public Employment.  Enter Lady fanciful. L. Fan. 
Mr. Toby, your humble Servant.  Curtsying and smiling. Toby. 
Mr. Toby: Now do I know by these kind words, and that ominous smile, I've a Reverend Office to be thrown upon me.  aside. L. Fan. 
Here's a broad piece that was given me by Sr. Oliver Richmore— look on't— 'tis a very fair piece; I'd not have parted with it to any breathing but yourself.  gives it to him. Toby. 
Pox; I know the Devil was sending me on an Errand, and pays me with Gold. A pox on his kindness— a fair tempter this Omnipotent Gold, I'm thy humble Votary.  looks on the piece. kisses it and puts it up. L. Fan. 
I hope Sir, 've remembered me.  Toby. 
Madam, I've been bruising my brains for you; and I have at last contrived a plot, which I have just brought to Maturity, that cost me not a few pangs in the production.  L. Fan. 
I shall not be ungrateful, sweet Mr Toby.  Toby. 
But to back my design, it would not be amiss to muster up all your Charms; which I grant of themselves are sufficient to bring the most stubborn heart into subjection.  L. Fan. 
Your goodness makes me blush seriously— But to put in practice your seasonable advice, I'll instantly to Florella, rail at her for entertaining Mr. Dullhead, possess him with an opinion of her double-dealing, and make my advances of Love with all the passion Imaginable: Your Servant— be mindful sweet Mr. Toby.  Exit. Toby 
A very Amorous Creature! was I a Magistrate, I'd have such a wrinkled scarecrow set up at every Bawdy-house-door, to frighten young Sinners from the Forbidden-Fruit of Whores-Flesh.  Enter Florella and Primrose. Florell. 
Hast thou had any discourse with his Man about the particulars of his Master?  Prim. 
Very little yet, Madam, But here he is, very opportunely, and your Ladyship may be Informed of every Circumstance.  Florell. 
Do you belong to the Gentleman that came hither this morning?  Toby. 
Yes, Madam.  Florell. 
How long has he been in Town, Friend?  Toby. 
About two days Madam.  Prim. 
I'faith my Mistress is for have at all.  aside. Florell. 
How long does he design to stay?  Toby. 
Madam, my Master's young Lady Dorinda can give you the best account of that, were they linked; which this day he designs to effect; his grand affair is over.  Florell. 
I must contrive to put a rub in his way: What's his Estate?  aside. Toby. 
Report says, five thousand a year.  Florell. 
A very fair Revenue, tho' not perhaps equal to the Merit of so complete a Gentleman.  Toby. 
She comes on apace;— Little does she dream of the Snake in the Covert; If he once lays hold, he twists round her in so many painted folds, she'll ne'er be able to disentangle herself: was my angry threatening Master here, how would his heart Caper at the harmony of these kind ravishing words: I'll Instantly to him, and acquaint him with it.  aside. Enter Loveby. Loveb. 
I have hunted her through every Room i'th' house; Perhaps she's herded here: Madam, your servant.  Florell. 
O your Servant Mr. Loveby; I question not Sir, but by this, what with your soft melting words, and the powerful Rhetoric of your bewitching tongue, you have wrought the young Lady to a Compliance.  Loveb. 
Faith, Madam, you're all so Cruel, and wilfully obstinate, that a man can no more hope to bring you to a Treaty, than the Grand Signior the Emperor, after his many and signal victories.  Florell. 
A Soldier of Fortune as you are, must not always expect Success to wait upon his Arms; tho' doubtless your victories are more Considerable, than your defeats.  Loveb. 
Your Beauties may boast it, Madam; but we in this Lottery of Cupid find an hundred blanks, for one prize.  Florell. 
But you men of Courage and perseverance, weary out Fortune, and force her to be kind, and then you trumpet out your Conquests to the whole World.  Loveb. 
True Madam; fortune may wheel about at last; but the prize we get is often too mean to defray the Expenses we haus been at, in the prosecution of it: and were it worth our concealing, like a politic winning Gamester, we should go off without the least mention of our success.  Enter Craftmore and Toby. Craft. 
Was she so Inquisitive sayest thou?  Toby. 
Yes Sir, and in such a melting pliant humour, you might have moulded her into what shape you pleased:  Loveb. 
Could I gain so Considerable a treasure as you Madam? discretion, as well as self-Interest, would bribe me to Secrecy.  Craft. 
heavens what do I see? my friend courting my Mistress, in my supposed absence? his I find is like the common friendship of the world, that always bends to the Interest of his passion.  aside. Toby. 
What damned ill luck's here now? Fortune plays at cross-purposes with us, I think.  aside. Florell. 
Your Haggard Love, flies at all games.  Loveb. 
Madam, a small encouragement from you, would lure me back, and teach me to follow a constant Quarry; and then should my flame, like that of lamps, shut in an Urn.  Florell. 
Pardon me Sir; when once you come to your flames, and your Similes 'tis time to leave you.  Craft. 
I can no longer bear this kill sight; I'll disturb 'em: Madam, you—  goes toward 'em. Toby. 
'Sdeath Sir, are you distracted?—  Toby pulls him back. 
For heaven's sake stay and see th' Event first; This may prove nothing but an harmless piece of gallantry.  Craft. 
I know it cannot be; for none can look on that face and not love.  Toby. 
Let me beg you coolly, to Consider on't within; If he discovers himself, all's ruined; then shall I be stripped and sent naked into the wide world,— but not without the Discipline of an hunting-whip, besides pumps and Blankets, do so run in my head: Sweet Master, retire.  pulls him in. Craft. 
If I go not quits with you and your minion.  Exit. Toby. 
Why what a damned, outrageous senseless Coxcomb is a suspicious Lover; Now does he fancy his horns are budding out already;— heavens grant things fall out luckily, but these plaguy Plumps and Blankets, will not out of my head yet.  Exit. Loveb. 
A delicate Creature, every way agreeable; But tho' this has most wit, yet the other has most Innocence; and I'm sure equal glories of a face; This may cost me as long a Siege as Troy did the Greeks; and besides, I would not basely wrong my absent friend, The other may be won with less expense of time;— But pox, I never approach her but my thoughts are palled with frightful Matrimonies.  Florella walks Loveby views her. aside. Enter Sr. John Oldfop and Dullhead, dressed in tawdry  he looks upon and admires himself. Florell. 
Fools are plenty, I find, they come in Couples:  aside. Loveb. 
What pieces of pageantry have we here? A brace of Asses in guilt trappings: I dread the sight of a fool as much as that of an old Mistress; his presence is far more Intolerable.  aside steals off. 

Sr. John comes to Florella, Dullhead following,  
Imitating and bowing, very awkardly.   Sr. John. 
Pardon me dear Madam; that I thus rudely intrude into your privacy, without giving you notice of my approach.  Dulh. 
Very fine Udsfoot:  Repeats it o'er to himself. Florell. 
O fie Sr. John you make me blush, really.  Sr. John. 
Madam, your blushes add new Beauties to that face, which before had Charms enough to confound all Mankind;— There I was the beau Espirit: I Gad, I could not avoid being witty: your pardon Lady—  leaps, Cocks, and bows. Florell. 
'Tis easily granted; you're so seldom guilty of that fault: [aside. to reply Sir, would but give you a farther proof of my weakness; I can but admire you in silence.  Dulh. repeats: Confound you and all mankind. etc. Sr. John. 
I shall leave you and my Cousin here together, to treat about this affair, your acceptance of his Address has given me the glimpse of a pleasure that I shall esteem, the blessing of my whole life: I have provided the Fiddler; and I'll beg leave Madam that things may be in order.  Exit bowing all the way. Florell. 
Get thee gone for an eternal Coxcomb;— Here's this other fool stands like a mortal wrote in Finsied Gingerbread;— Only that is much the better spark of the two. Your Servant Sir.  

She goes to Dulh. who's complementing by himself; when he sees  
her, he pulls back his Coat and shows his Waistcoat:   Dulh. 
Sun, Moon, and Seven Stars; I am yours forsooth; how do you like me now? Am not I taring fine?  Florell. 
Awkard fool. [aside— Extremely modish, I'll assure you, Sir.  Dulh. 
Pardon me dear Madam, etc.—  repeats the 1st. Compliment Florell. 
Dull Echo of affectation and nonsense;  aside. Dulh. 
I shall come to Confound her presently— [aside— How do you like me now forsooth! how do you like me now?  Florell. 
O Extremely Sir; you may be sure.  Dulh. 
Then Madam, I say the acceptance of his address— Udsneaks, I think I'm almost out,— of this address— The glimpse I Esteem;— Sun, Moon, and seven Stars, I think I'm our I fags;— You know my meaning forsooth.  tries to repeat and cannot. Florell. 
As well as if you had spoken it out.  Dulh. 
I'll make amends for it in the next: Your blushes add new beauties to that face; And therefore Confound you and all mankind. Sun, Moon and Seven Stars, how do you like me now forsooth? I think I've tickled you off, Udsfoot.  Florell. 
So, so, he's drawn off to the Lees, and all's out at last: now will he be as mute as a Turk in the presence of the Grand Signior; or if he chance to speak, 'twill be like a Country-Clock, once in an hour; tho' not so much to the purpose.  He walks about her two or three times, ana speaks not a word, she turns with him; at last he speaks, taking her Petticoat in his hand. Dulh. 
How do you like me now forsooth? I warrant that Gown and petticoat Cost a woundy deal of money;— Sun, Moon and Seven Stars— how do you like me now?— Can you swim forsooth?  pauses pauses again— Florell. 
A very pertinent question to a woman;— I'll swear 've a very pleasant way of courting.  aside. Dulh. 
Ay forsooth; I hate to talk of nothing but love:  Florell. 
A man is so put to't there; to hunt for fine expressions and soft Amorous Speeches.  Dulh. 
Now you talk of hunting; we have the finest pack in the Country, brave Musical deepmouthed Dogs;— Udsfoot— I love hunting woundily; you shall hear me hunt the whole pack.  Florell. 
This is dismal, the noise of a pewterers shop, a Belfry, or Paper-mill, would be very silence to this.  He hunts over the whole pack,, whoops and hollows, she stops her ears. Dulh. 
Is not this pleasant forsooth? Sun, Moon, and Seven Stars, how do you like me now?— Now forsooth you shall hear me Imitate the particular yelping of every Dog: This is Kill-buck: Now here's sweet-lips: here's Ringwood. And here's my Bitch Venus at last: Udsneaks, she opens as sweet as your Ladyship.  Sings: of all Delights the Earth does yield. Enter fanciful, comes up to him, Curtsying. L. Fanci. 
Sr. I beg your pardon I use so much familiarity with you, upon the slender acquaintance I have with your person.  Dulh. 
A well-bred, well-spoken Lady, I fags.  Florell. 
Now must I be struck deaf again, if I stay with the Alarm of her perpetual tongue.  La. Fanci. 
Madam, I am ashamed to see you use the Gentleman at this Scurvy rate; I overheard your jeers.  Dulh. 
Sun, Moon, and seven Stars; I scorn to take an affront of any Lady in Christendom—  comes up to her. Florell. 
He'll beat me anon.—  aside. Fanci. 
I observed your proud disdainful looks; your Indifferent behaviour— Your Servant sweet Sir. [Curtsies.] And thus indeed you entertain all your servants; as if mankind was made but for your diversion.  Dulh. 
A perilous woman Udsneaks.  La. Fanci. 
'Tis well known, Madam; I've had as many Servants as any Lady between this and Tweed, as I may say; And I ever received 'em with all the Civility and Ceremonies Imaginable, Seriously. You ought to respect a person of his Quality and Education;— Your Servant sweet Sir, your servant.  Curtsying and looking Amorously. Dulh. 
She's in the right on't Udsfoot, forsooth, if you go to that; Sun, Moon, and Seven Stars, how do you like me now?  Florell. 
This is not generously done, to supplant me thus; but I shall leave you to feast upon your happiness, and go mourn my own misfortunes.  Exit. L. Fanci. 
Really Sir, you're extremely well dressed. This is very rich; pardon me sweet Sir—  puts his Cravat in order. 
This is a very fine Lace;— pray what might this Suit Cost?  Dulh. 
I fags I cannot tell, forsooth; But it cost a power of money forsooth; Sun, Moon and Seven Stars,  shows his fine Waistcoat. La. Fanci. 
Seriously my Lord Modish had just such another suit on, of all the World, when he first made his Court to me.  Enter Toby and Primrose. Primr. 
How greedily does she feed on those nauseous scraps of Love? A stolen Maid, will Catch at any Fool, rather than lead Apes in hell.  Toby whispers fanciful in the ear. Toby. 
Leave the rest to my Management;— I'll spring the Woodcock, I le warrant you.  Fanci. 
Dear Sir, pardon me;— I must leave you,— Extraordinary Business calls me aside, Sir,— You're the only Person I could love to Converse with, in the whole Town seriously; your servant sweet Sir, Dear Sir.  Exit Curtsying. Dulh. 
How now Toby; how now Toby? Am not I woundy fine;— Sun, Moon, and seven Stars how dost like me now?  Toby. 
You outshine all the Town-sparks, and they'll make you the Model and Pattern of all your gallantry.  Dulh. 
Will they so? they count me a fool mun Toby, they count me a fool.  Primr. 
And they're much in the right on't— [aside]— well Sir, you have made a fine business on't yonder; my Lady is ready to run mad; 'tis a sad thing for Gentlemen to have the ascendant o'er their Mistresses; pray heavens she does not mischief herself about it.  Toby. 
Mollify a little, Sir; be not so hardhearted.  Dulh. 
Who I Toby? I hardhearted? I scorn her words: I'm as good a natured fellow as lives, If I'm pleased, that I am. Tell her, I can forgive her: How dost like me now, Primrose? how dost like me now? [Toby stands musing.  Toby. 
Faith Sir,; I've the prettiest thing come into my head, just now.  Dulh. 
What is't Toby? what is't?  Toby. 
'Tis a humour Sir, you'd top to a hair.  Dulh. 
If it be a humour, let me alone for a humour; I'm old Dog, at a humour, Toby.  Primr. 
O dear Sir; My Lady is strangely taken with pretty odd humours: She'll die with laughing at you, Sir.  Toby. 
You know Sir, your Cousin Sr. John has provided an Entertainment; now I've a disguise for you.  Dulh. 
Say no more, let's about it, let's about it. I shall make special sport  
Toby: Come, come, Sir, 'twill be very taking I warrant you.  Exeunt. Enter Waspish. Primr. 
This Olio of humours, will afford us an excellent feast of Mirth; we shall laugh our belly's full; Bless me! here comes Waspish to contribute to't; I'll raise a tempest in him, Immediately:  He is reading his Parchm. Wasp. 
Mortgages, Mortgages; Bonds, Bonds, Bonds; very well I protest; O, Udsbodykins, here are the writings of my Estate proper; let me see,— [reads to himself.]— well, it goes all to Mrs Florry,— my pretty little Florry. Udsbodykins would I were at my my 20th. year again.  Primr. 
I'll quickly put you in another tune, Sir.  She gets behind him and steals his trumpet from his Girdle; he perceives it, and turns to spy her with his glass, she still turns with him, and pulls him by the sleeve still, as she is behind him. Wasp. 
Snoons, what's this? who is't? Snoons the Devil; I'm abused; Villains, Theives, help Murder, murder.  She knocks his glass out of's hand, he goes to grope for't; she throws him down, and tumbles him about; he strives to get up but can't. Enter Sr. John Oldfop, leading Florella, Craftmore: Dorinda: La. fanciful: Loveby, and donnel. Florella picks up Waspishes glass and helps him up; he beats her. Wasp. 
Have I caught you, have I caught you fury? Snoons, forgive Mrs Florry— I'll hang myself; Snoons, Snoons.  looks in's glass and sees 'tis his Mistress. Florell. 
Why wench, thou hast used him unmercifully: He roared as loud as Perillus in his Brazen-Bull.  Sr. John Old. 
Pray Madam, let's remove this fool;— I have as great an Antipathy against an old fool, as some persons have against Cheshire-Cheese, or a breast of mutton;— I'm ready to swoon at the sight of him.  he offers to disturb Waspish, who is all this while fretting. Florell. 
On peril of my displeasure Sir, let him alone.  Sr. John. 
Go fetch the fiddles in.—  to donnel. donnel. 
Ay, upon my Maker will I joy; and dance all the way.  He dances out; then brings in all the Fiddles tied about his waist, the Fiddlers follow, he bushes them back. 
Ay by my Shoul, you must not come in, my Master did but send for the Fiddles look thee— [they take their fiddles, one sings the Song, some play soft with it.  Sr. John. 
Sing the Song I ordered you.  

Song.  

Strephon the brisk and gay,  
Young Strephon's Nature's wonder, All this while Sr. John walks about admiring himself & humouring the Song with Gestures.  
Whose eyes let forth, bright flames of Day,  
Whose every look does Souls betray,  
Or splits an heart asunder.   

2  
Strephon has every Grace,  
And wears 'em still about him,  
The Nymph whose greedy eye does trace  
The Swarming Beauties of his face,  
Yields heavens no heaven without him.   

3  
Who views his Mien or Air,  
The lovely youth Confounds her,  
He is so Charming, and so fair,  
The heedless virgin Vnaware,  
Plays with the darts that wounds her.    
Madam, there are some persons, that can answer the Character. [Oldfop takes Florella: Craftm. Dorinda: Loveby, Primrose.  Loveby. 
Come thou hither; second-hand fin'ry.  fanciful comes between 'em. Fanci. 
How now Impudence; why sure I'm not fallen so low in the esteem of mankind as not to be thought the fit person to Dance with a Gentleman;— Sir your servant, I hope I may Claim the privilege of your hand.  Loveb. 
Pardon me Madam; I profess I did not see your Ladyship; Otherwise I should have taken care to have avoided you—  aside. Fanci. 
No excuse Sir; I'm satisfied 'twas an oversight: Your servant sweet Sir.  Craft. 
They say jealousy is quicksighted;— and sees with as many eyes, as Argus did,— I'll observe every nod, smile and glance, that passes between 'em—  aside. Adance while they are dancing. Dullhead comes in his disguise, and Dances ridiculously. Sr. John. 
Some Groom or Footman dressed up to amuse us; Kick the Unseasonable, Rascal out,— his mirth is dull.  Dulh. 
[to Florella] Sun, Moon, and seven Stars; Do you know me forsooth? How do you like me now?  They laugh, he dances out. Fanci. 
Seriously; I blush to see the Gentleman so far barbarously used;— I'll Immediately after him, and give him to understand, how your Ladyship derides him.  Exit after him. Craftmore to Florella— Loveby to Dorinda, after the Dance. Craft. 
Madam, I hope you'll pardon the Confidence of a stranger, If his Curiosity leads him to take a view of those perfections that all the world admires.  Florell. 
Sir, I'm very Certain; there are many thousand of a Contrary Opinion to yourself. I cannot but wonder at the strength of your Imagination, that could so suddenly create those perfections you speak of.  Loveb. 
Pretty little one, why do you shun me thus? You fly me as a trembling Fawn would a Tiger, or a Lyon. I do not pursue you to make a prey of you, but to love and embrace you.  Dorin. 
Indeed now I do not know what you mean by your fine words, But such a brave Gentleman as you, cannot love me sure.  Lo●eb. 
You need not question the possibility of it, when you have already taken possession of my heart.  Craft. 
I Confess Madam, I have given my faith to a young Lady already; but now I must blame my ill Stars they did not first guide me to your Ladyship.  Florell. 
O Sir, they were not such blind guides, they saw better things for you.  In this time Loveby is toying with Dorin. Courting her in dumb show. Dorin. 
O Gemini, I can't endure you should do so; You make me blush that you do— Let go my hand, or I vow I'll scratch you.  she struggles with him. Craft. 
'Twill be policy now to retreat, and not to tempt my fortune too boldly; 'Tis in Woman's nature to shun those that fly them— [aside] Madam your eyes are nimble Archers; and your Cupid is very Powerful, should I discourse longer with you, I should turn Rebel to my first flame, and then you might as well suspect I would be false to you too.  Florell. 
Would you put in practice the former, I'd put the latter to a venture, and believe you, tho' I were deceived by my Credulity.  aside. Craftmore coming to Loveby. Craft. 
Have you any thing to do with that Lady, Sir?  Love. 
Some small business only to require the Restauration of an heart.  Sr. John Sings and Dances— tries to cut the while. Craft. 
The Lady Sir, is a propriety.  Love. 
I have hopes to the Contrary.  Craft. 
Unhand her Sir; I wear a Sword:  Loveb. 
So do I Sir; in honour of this Lady.  lay their hands on their Swords. Sr. John. 
Fie Gentlemen, do not render yourselves guilty of so great a Solecism in good manners, as to offer to draw in company of Ladies.  Craft. 
You may hear from me.  Craft. and Dorinda go out one way. Loveb. 
My Sword Sir, stall answer you.  Loveby the other. Sr. John Dancing up to Florella. Sr. John. 
Thus will I deal out my Love to you eternally; and to you alone—  Sings and Dances. Florell. 
Conceited Fool; he's grown as old in foppery as in years. He has not heat enough to melt the Snow that lies on's head.  aside. Primr. 
And I dare swear Madam, he'll sooner stand in need of a Nurse himself, then give any Lady an Occasion to use one—  aside. He comes to her again. Florell. 
Doubtless Sir; I were over-happy, were I but assured of your Constancy.  Sr. John. 
Did all the tempting Beauties, Jointly strive to seduce me; by heaven's Madam, they should not draw me to a disloyal thought.  Florell. 
I long to be rid of this fool▪ [aside] Sir, I've business within; please you go.  Sr. John. 
I wait on you Madam,— But I would first inform you, that I purposely Contrived this match, that you might enjoy the freedom of Love without the Scandal that generally attends our married women; And besides I have always had a greater respect to your birth; and your own particular person, then to make the dishonourable offers of keeping to so noble a Lady.  

Keepings grown vulgar; Matrimony dull,  
Be you my Mistress then—   Florell. 

And you my Fool,  
Keeping of fools too, is quite out of fashion  
Yet such a one's a gentile Recreation.   aside Exeunt Omnes. 
The End of the Third Act.    

ACT IU.  

SCENE I.  Enter Craftmore, and Toby. Toby. 
HOw liked you my Gull Sir?  Craft. 
I received I confess an unexpected pleasure and satisfaction from thy Improvement of the Blockhead; he was too dull a fool to move laughter before.  Toby. 
O Sir; Did you but conceive how I wear this brain away in your service, from whence Inventions hourly work out like froth from new-bottled Ale; but I'm a man of few words Sir, of few words.  Craft. 
No more of this; but d'ye hear, as you hope to continue in my favour, do you go on to expose him in so many Ridiculous shapes & changes, that she may despise and scorn him, tho' he could jointure her to both the Indies.  Toby. 
Whereupon I immediately make to my property; possess him with an opinion of his last performance; and so draw him into greater absurdities: But Sir,— [as going, but returns] when 've gotten your Mistress; I shall not be your Steward, I warrant, and have the privilege to cheat you by way of licence.  Craft. 
Be gone; I'll hear no more.  Toby. 
And put false bills of account upon you; till by my Industry, I'm possessed of the better part of your Estate; and stand in Competition with you, in point of precedency, and of being thought the better Gentleman.  Craft. 
You'll go—  offers to beat him. Toby. 
I fly, I fly, Sir: [Exit sing] I showed 'em such, etc.  Dorin. 
And how did you find your Mistress? Is she not as I told you, Yielding upon Terms of honour think you?  Craft. 
O she was in a melting temper;— But I've so Unjustly and Scandalously abused her in my Sham-letter, that if she discovers me I'm discarded for ever.  Dorin. 
You had best betray yourself to her, by your unmanly fears; like a Murderer that delivers himself into the hands of Justice.  Craft. 
Certainly my ill Genius set me on writing it, what a madness was it else, to wound the darling of my Soul; the best and tenderest part of myself; but what doubles my griefs, is to find my friend perfidious at last.  Dorin. 
Pardon me Sir, If I differ in opinion from you in that. I'm persuaded the Gentleman is as far from being perfidious, as your Mistress from giving him an occasion of being so.  Craft. 
I perceive you're bribed to speak for him, by your Love.  Dorin. 
Were it so; I need not be ashamed to own my flame.  Craft. 
Take care Dorinda, his tongue has a Charm in it; and tho' he has the face of an Angel, and the shape of an Cherubin; yet his black swollen heart within may be filled with rapes, treacheries, and dark designs.  Dorin. 
You do ill to accuse your friend, before you know him guilty.  Craft. 
I could wish I had not too just an occasion to suspect him; But I shall take some measures as well to clear my doubt, as to Justify or Condemn the honourable thoughts you conceive of him.  Exit. Dorin. 
I know not to what Extravagances his jealousy may hurry him; But if he aims at his life, he strikes at it through mine. O Loveby, Mr. Loveby; there's not a letter in his, name but has a Charm in't.  Enter Loveby. Loveb. 
I am deceived, or I heard the name of Loveby; and know it must proceed from her mouth, for softest Airs of Music attended the sound: why all this coldness and scorn in your face on a sudden? pretty little one.  Comes up to her, she starts and looks Innocently again. Dorin. 
O living dear, you always steal upon a body, and do so fright me.  Loveb. 
'Tis strange, Madam, that I should be so dreadful that at the sight of me, you should be filled with such frightful apprehensions: I have no swinging long tail, horns and Cloven-feet.  Dorin. 
Indeed now I'll not stay with you, if you talk of such ugly things.  looks about as fearful. Loveb. 
Prettyest Creature, Dearer to me then my own eyes, I'll speak to thee in gentle accents, soft as those of Lovesick Virgins, breathing out their Souls in tenderest expressions, & caress you gently, as the Morning-dew falls on the opening Rose, or the fleece of snow on the bosom of the cold vale.  Dorin. 
O Gemini! I vow now you say such pretty things of all the world as Mr. Bellamore did, when he converted me first.  Loveb. 
And dear little Lady, why may not they have the same effect?  Dorin. 
Indeed now, I cannot tell forsooth Sir, You ●ake me blush.  Loveb. 
Pretty Modesty—  He kisses her hand. Dorin. 
O living dear, I would not stay any longer with you, for a World, should Mr. Bellamore come and see you, he'd kill you, indeed now— and I am so afraid he should kill you.  Loveb. 
Kindly feared Nay, dearest, you must pardon me, if I hasten thus to enjoy my happiness: There's no one but would arrive at Heaven as soon as he could.  he Embraces her, she struggles. Dorin. 
Indeed now, but if you will go to Heaven, you must die first.  Loveb. 
And that I could an hundred times for you, had I so many lives, was I sure but to pass the last few transitory minutes in your dear arms.  embraces her. Dorin. 
O Leminies! I wonder you are not ashamed to rumple one's  so.  Enter Florella and Primrose. Florell. 
Oh horrid base  Villain; Monster of Falsehood:  Primr. 
Nay, your Ladyship may partly thank yourself for it. As you tender your quiet, Reputation, and Honour, Madam, I beg you'd bridle your passion.  she sees Loveby. Loveby comes to her. Loveb. 
Madam, your Servant; you have an angry Cloud settled on your brow; whence does it proceed?  Florell. 
I cannot look upon you, Sir, but I think on the Cursed Cause of it.  Dorin. 
I hope forsooth you're not angered with me; I'll go and see after Mr. Bellamore and tell him, that I will.  Exit Dorin. Loveb. 
I'll after her, I must not allow her time to cool again.—  aside. 
Madam, I'm sorry to see you thus discomposed; and am much more so, to find the sight of me, should be any way the cause of your discontent.  Exit. Primr. 
Did you observe with what Indifferency he left you, Madam?  Florell. 
Fortune has debarred me from the Conversation of witty Men and set me up the mark of Fools; she baits me with Apes and Monkeys, and I've no sooner shaken off one, but a fresh one flies on me with all the fury Imaginable.  Primr. 
So, so, now the wind rises.  aside. Florell. 
And they fasten on me by turns, with noise, Impertinence, or dull insipid humours, which they take for wit: Methinks I hate all mankind for thy sake, perjured Craftmore; Oh that I had thee here; I'd tear thee in pieces, thus, falsehearted Traitor.  she pulls the Letter out, and tears it in pieces. Primr. 
There's a way to be revenged, could you think on't, Madam?— Think on Revenge,— Revenge is sweet, Madam. There are other Men in the World, as Proper, Beautiful, and Rich as he, every whit.  Florell 
Thou hast put a strange thought in my head;— Here's one Mr. Bellamore in this House, Servant to Dorinda.  Prim. 
So, so, now is all this blust'ring o'er, and she's veering to another quarter. Had she as many Lovers, as there are points in the Compass, she'd run 'em all over in half an hour— [aside]— Your Ladyship has observed very well.  Florell. 
What thin'st thou of him Wench?  Primr. 
O Madam, He's a sweet-tongued Gentleman, he'd ravish any woman alive.  Florell. 
Dost think 'tis feasible.  Primr. 
Then his limbs are so exactly formed, so smooth and pliant, you'd swear they were made in Wax. There are Legs, Arms, Shoulders, and a body strait as an Arrow:  
This sets her a-gog.  aside. Florell. 
I am resolved to try my chance— Can we but contrive to put Dorinda on Loveby, my passage were clear. I'll presently into the Garden, where we may be private and discourse him about it.  Primr. 
It succeeds I'll warrant you, Madam— Vastly Rich they say, of a great Family, and an Education equal to both. ne'er fear, no veins of flint grow in his heart.  Florell. 
I have resolved what to do;— I'll send him a kind Note; wherein I'll signify that a certain Lady has a passion for him. And see how he entertains that, and make my advances accordingly.  Primr. 
My very thoughts, Madam; something may be learned from his Man— seem you nothing concerned: Entertain all your fools as before, my life for't you have your design.  Enter Dullhead laughing. Florell. 
One can no sooner speak of a Fool; but he's at hand:  aside. Dullh. 
I warrant you forsooth; you took me for a fool, I'm a man of no humour— [Dances as before] Sun, Moon, and seven Stars; how do you like me now forsooth?  Florell. 
How Insipid is the most diverting Coxcombs, when we have distempered minds, like meats to sick palates they are all tasteless:  aside. 
Sir, you'll spoil the humour, by making it too common.  Prim. 
Madam, Compose yourself; and don't let slip the satisfaction you may receive from the performances of so complete a Blockhead: Folly after discontent is a sweetening relish, after a bitter potion.  Dullh. 
Forsooth, don't you remember a strange person in an odd sort of habit but now; that was I forsooth; I warrant you did not know me. But observe, if you hear or see any one speak or do any thing, and all the Company laughs, to be sure that's I forsooth, that's I.  Florell. 
Incorrigible fool.  Primr. 
Madam, you drive the humour too far.  Dullh. 
Nay, If you go to that, there be those that can value themselves, Udsfoot, I can be as touchy as another, that I can; Sun, Moon, and seven Stars how do you like me now? Farewell to you Udsneaks, if you go to that.  Exit Dullhead. Enter Sr. John Oldfop in another suit, a Ribbon tied round his wrist; with a Locket on't, Donnel and Strain-Conscience following him; Strain-Conscience looking demurely. Sr. John. 
Rascal, Dog, If you can't lie for your daily bread, I've done with you; let me not have you making four faces like a juggler Swallowing knives, put on your praying face: The Demureness of your looks will Sanctify a lie.  Strain-Con. 
O Conscience, Conscience, this Master of mine will damn me, that's for Certain.  donnel. 
Chreeshed blesh thy sweet faish; I vil lie for tee joy, what shall I lie for tee?  Prim. 
You cannot now, Madam, let sullen discontent sit on your brow, when you have so many ridiculous objects before you, to dissolve you into laughter;— So, now it gins to clear up again—  aside. Sr. John Oldfop comes up to her Sr. John 
Madam, some Extraordinary business maliciously detained me from the prospect of so much gallantry; some few short visits I've paid; and let me die if I could have rescued myself from the Importunities of the foundlings, but upon urging my engagements to your Ladyship.  
Dog; Remember— [to Strain.  He walks about to show his , turns the Locket round his wrist. Florell. 
You grace me with your favours, and dazzle me with all this bravery;— You're extremely proper, really Sir;— Tynsyed Ass—  aside. Sr. John. 
Several persons of quality at Court, think it no discredit to their wit and parts in the mystery of dressing to imitate me.  Florell. 
Pardon me Sir; If I am too curiously bold.  
Indeed this is very fine.  Looks on the Locket. Sr. John. 
A trifle bestowed on me by a Duchess I danced with lately at Court.  Strain-Con. 
O I will lie now Immoderately; forgive me sweet Conscience; Sir there is a Lady,— true; there's an Equivocation— [aside]— most affectionately desires— ay, good, no doubt, but she does affectionately desire something— [aside— To speak— 'Tis sure, If she's enjoined Silence [aside. with you Sir;— O lo, Olo,— that's a damned lie now— [aside] So that's gone.—  aside. Sr. John. 
Did not I Command you Rascal to deny me to all that enquired after me? Her business, Lodgings, and her name?  Strain-Con. 
O lo, O lo; why there 'tis again;— why there 'tis now;— One Madam Cleverwit, that lodges at Mr. Draper-wells, over against the Royal Exchange;— O, I lie, I lie, I lie;— [aside And she begs the honour of a visit this Afternoon, so that's gone too—  aside. donnel. 
Ay by my Shoul and Shaint Patrick; I will go she if thou doshed lie for my mashters sweet sake; if thou dost not, I will make beat on thy father's Child, look tee dear joy.—  aside. Primr. 
Excellent sport—  laughs. Florell. 
Let me not detain you from the Arms of your Mistress, All the Ladies I find, make their Court to you.  Sr. John. 
They're all beneath my Consideration;— No Madam, since my Conversation with you, I nauseate their despicable amours;— I'll redeem my stray heart; and divorce me from their Cheap Vulgar Love; and the Circle of your Arms shall be to me, that of the whole world;— Go on Rascal, do you stick?  aside Florell. 
I will not hope it;— This Crevat Sir, Is point de Venice, the work is high, and the flower very agreeable.  Sr. John. 
A slight piece to appear in at the Playhouse, or so: An Italian Lady presented me with one worth six of it.  Strain-Con. 
Mercy on me, no Equivocation:— I will lie abundantly; have patience with me good Satan— [aside.]— And this very Lady Sir, has sent you this Ring— O lo,— o lo.  aside. Prim. 
Improbable Shame, this is a present from himself to himself. [aside.  Strain-Con. 
I was almost worried as I came hither, have patience sweet Belzebub— [aside.]— One sends her Footman to me; the other her Page— I lie— [aside]— A Third her woman. O lo, O lo, I have two or three swinging lies to come yet; Do not twinge me good Conscience.  aside. Prim. 
This is extravagantly ridiculous.  aside. Strain Con. 
A fourth begs and Entreats me: In short, Sir, they're grown so troublesome, I cannot go about your business for 'em— O lo, O lo, there all's out; I have discharged my Conscience.  aside. Enter donnel. donnel. 
By my Shoul joy I did run to de plaish deer over against the great plaish,; And I did ask after the Laady, but tere wash no such Laady, by my shoul thou disht lie very much well for my Mashters sweet sake.  Sr. John. 
blundering fool, who sent you on this Errand? Madam, he has mistaken the place, you may find by the account he gives; Dull, Incorrigible sot.  beats him. donnel. 
Upon my Shalwation, now I shwear by my Maker, and by him that made me, and by the Devil take me too, tou dosh make beat on poor  donnel: 
Much good it may do me.  howls. Enter Dullhead. Dulh. 
I shall leave you forsooth; If you go to that, Udsfoot: I am a Person that understand how to take an affront: Sun, Moon, and Seven Stars; how do you like me now? I shall leave you Udsfoot, if you go to that.  Enter fanciful standing behind. Fan. 
O me! what did he say? what a trembling seized my heart, oh, oh,— will he leave us?  Sr. John. 
What means this?  Florell. 
He is distasted Sir, at some words I dropped unawares.  Dush. 
Fool wounds deep forsooth, with men of my temper.  Sr. John. 
You must bear with such petty affronts, I have been called a thousand Fops, Fools, and Asses by Ladies e'er now: Come; you must be reconciled to her.  Dulh. 
I am woundy good-natured: I can forgive you forsooth: how do you like me now, Cousin Sr. John?  Sr. John. 
Madam; I perceive the Ass is fickle; and he may disappoint our long expected joys by his folly;— I'll take order the writings be drawn, and all things in readiness for the Solemnity:— please you to walk dear Madam.  Exeunt Sr. John and Florella with Strain-Con. and donnel. Lady fanciful meeting Dullhead. La. Fanci. 
Dear Sir; I thought you was going to deprive us of your good Company, and leave me here, to mourn your absence.  Dulh. 
No, no; I'm reconciled Sweet Lady.  Fanci. 
Sweet Lady;— A fine spoken Gentleman, that word has Revived me;— I wonder at the ill breeding of Mrs. Florella, to abuse a Gentleman of your quality, worth, wit, and Beauty.  Dulh. 
Of my worth, wit, and Beauty; Udsfoot she understands me I find.  Primr. 
That's more than ever you yourself did—  aside. Fanci. 
Sir, I protest, of the number that ever made Love to me; (and I'll warrant I've had an hundred) you're the only person I could ever fancy.  Dulh 
Udsfoot, this face has been doted upon by fine Ladies, forsooth, I must tell you.  La. Fanci. 
Oh Dear Sir, I'm Convinced of that by my own affections: But as I was saying, you're the only Gentleman I admire; tho' I confess my Lord Sparkish was a fine person: Sir Tymothy Long-Title had his peculiar graces too; Dear Sir, 've an Extraordinary white hand, and your fingers are so like Sr. Thomas True-Shapes, seriously.  she kisses his hand. Primr. 
So, now there's another blaze of her passion; it rises by sits like a wasted Candle when 'tis burned to the snuff.  aside. Enter Toby Fanci. 
But here comes my Engine;— I must withdraw.—  aside 
Dear Sir your Servant, Servant sweet Sir.  Exit. Dullh. 
O Toby! how is't Toby; Did not I humour the business to a hair just now? Sun, Moon, and seven Stars, how dost like me now Toby?  Toby, 
Faith Sir, I was ready to split my sides at you. Did you not observe how all the Company laughed as soon as you appeared?  Dulh. 
My Cousin Sr. John was angry with me for't; But he's a fool man: He does not understand an humour Udsfoot.  Prim. 
Have you found his Equipage where I laid it out for you.  aside Toby. 
Yes, yes; begin, and I'll second you.  aside Primr. 
Sir, you may think your pleasure of my Lady, but I can assure you she admires you for your shapes; and she's always running 'em o'er: and praising 'em to herself, tho' she says you're something gross.  Toby. 
He's a little Corpulent; but that's easily remedied; I'll undertake to make you less by 3 Inches in a quarter of an hour: It would not be amiss if your ears were pared a little.  Dulh. 
Sun, Moon, and seven Stars, my ears Toby? why, they are not Asses ears; no, no; but I care not, If I be taken less by 2 or 3 Inches.  Primr. 
The Gudgeon bites.  aside. Toby. 
I'll do it for you, Immediately Sir; Come please you to uncase a little.  While he's Vndressing; Primrose fetches in a Ridiculous habit; he lace's him in Stays; and dresses him Fantastically. Toby. 
Draw in your breath Sir,— Very well— I'll warrant you this will do it.  Dulh. 
Why Toby; Udsfoot thou wilt squeeze my ribs flat: oh, oh, oh: Udsfoot I shall not be able to fetch breath presently. Thou hast taken me in above 2 Inches, O, O, O, what a pox dost mean Toby? slack a little; I shall ne'er be able to endure it, O, O, O!  Toby. 
Near feared Sir,— He gins to come to it;— here's a shape now; here's a waist, Clean and slender,— as a Mast-pole—  aside Primr. 
I believe my Lady is bigger round— A delicate shape on my word.  Toby. 
Come Sir, we have but four holes more; patience Sir; patience:  Dulh. 
O, O, O! Udsneaks Toby, I think I begin to leak at the lower End, O, O, O, hold, hold, hold, my heart will leap out at my mouth, If thou goest one hole farther. [as scarce able to speak.] I warrant I'm taller now than I was, by 3. or 4. Inches, Udsfoot, O, O, O, don't I shoot up?  Primr. 
An 'twere Asparagus, I can see you grow: May I ne'er hang pendant in Lady's ear more, If I think you have your fellow in the three Kingdoms.  Dulh. 
Uh, Uh— [strives but can scarcely speak.] Unconscionable Toby, what dost mean? O, O, O!  Toby. 
Have patience Sir, you'll quickly master this; If I had a mind to it, I could draw you through a Gold Ring, like an Egg steeped in Vinegar; come Sir, I'll bate you a hole or two; So, now I know it sits easy:  puts on the rest of the things. Primr. 
Thou hast Cramped him I faith  aside Toby. 
Now we are gone so far Sir; we I set another humour on foot, what say you?  Dulh. 
I was just thinking on't Udsneaks;—  as scarce able to speak. Toby. 
What think you then of Personating a despairing Lover before your Mistress; I have a willow-Garland ready for it, And a Copy of Verses so pat to the purpose, 'twill be admirable, Sir, 'twill be admirable.  Dulh. 
Udsneaks, O, O, O,— so 'twill: But I fear I shall ne'er be able to Compass it, for as I'm a Gentleman, I could ne'er endure a written hand in my life,— O, O, O.  Toby. 
Leave that to my Instructions; Come let's in and practice.  He puts him in several Ridiculous postures. Dulh. 
I shall be apt, Toby; I shall be apt; O, O, O, there was a twinge: Sun Moon and 7 Stars, how dost like me now Toby? how dost like me now?  Toby. 
Excellently well Sir, along, along:  Exeunt Dulh. and Toby. Primr. 
Senseless Idiot! well; this must needs prove very pleasant; I'll not discover it to my Lady, the surprise will make it much more diverting.  Enter Waspish in a great passion; throwing his Cloak, tugging his Ears and stamping, etc. 
Bless me! here comes the old angry Baboon, his fit's not over yet; this beating of his Mistress, sticks in his stomach still.  Wasp. 
O Unfortunate, Unfortunate; Snoons, Snoons, I'll hang myself, Cut my throat, drown myself; No a little Ratsbane or Sublimated Mecury, Snoons Unfortunate, oh,— oh!— Let me see— O Mrs Prim, stand my friend Mrs Prim, not a word yet M Prim.—  He walks up and down stamping, takes his glass out and spies her. Runs and stops her mouth Primr. 
Now to make this Scene completely Comical, what device Shall I have? O! I have thought on it— Sir: I doubt 'tis beyond my power to Reconcile my Lady, she vows never to see your face again: Oh if you had but heard the wishes she uttered 'twould have made you tremble.  while she speaks he puts his Trumpet to his Ear. Wasp. 
Oh, oh! Do not let me hear 'em then; 'twill be the Death of me, oh, oh!  groans and sighs. Primr. 
There's one way left yet;— Come Sir, be pacified. You talked but now of hanging yourself; would you be ruled by me you should Counterfeit the thing; and so exactly; It should turn more to your advantage than you dream of.  Wasp. 
Udsbodikins, say you so Mrs Prim. any thing, M Prim. any thing; But how may it be done?  Primr. 
Why look you; 'tis but to be hung by the Armpits; holding your head a little on one side; pulling your handkerchief over your face: struggling, kicking, and heaving a little.  Wasp. 
Udsbodikins; It must needs melt her into Compassion.  Primr. 
Then come I; Scream out as affrighted, cut the Rope, Chafe and rub you; and give you some Spirits, pretending to fetch you again; The Garden door will be the fittest place, because my Lady's now there; she'll be sure to see you Sir.  Wasp. 
A pretty Contrivance, I protest, A very pretty Contrivance; This must needs work upon her;— Come, come, M Prim.  Exeunt. The Scene Changes to a Garden. Enter Florella and Loveby as in discourse. Loveb. 
And Madam; may I firmly rely on what you say?  Florell. 
As on your Creed Sir, She's strangely enamoured of you; She was infinitely taken with you this morning in the Park, and since, I have overheard her talking of you to herself, like an Usurer, recounting his darling Sums.  Loveb. 
Upon this Assurance, Madam; I'll push my designs on more vigorously: But I fear the little Baggage will be talking to me of that Bug-bear-Matrimony; should she put it home to me; I should be apt to play the Fool, and take the marriage bitten into my mouth, if I could not prevail otherwise.  Florell 
O fie Sir; I hope your designs are honourable, upon this Condition I promise you my assistance: But otherwise, I utterly disclaim it; She's an Heiress, and has a plentiful Estate I hear.  Loveb. 
Is not the first Fortune has been stolen you'd say.  Enter Craftmore. Craft. 
She came this way, and the privacy of the place will allow me the opportunity of disclosing my Passion more freely: If she seems cold, which my last Interview confirms me almost she will not; I can fall off as fast as she; or if she offers to make it public or expose me, I can deny it every word: Ha! 'Sdeath, Loveby! I am Confirmed now he is false.  walks along to look for her, Spies Loveby and her together. Loveb. 
Faith, Madam, I cannot despair of success, Influenced thus by the Encouragement and assistance of your Ladyship: You'll be faithful and constant to your fair promises;— your Servant Madam:— Kisses her hand and Ex.  Florell. 
So, he's sure,— and now he's devoted to my Service. By this means I shall be Revenged of that base faithless, black-mouthed Libeler.  aside. Craft. 
I'll Crush this monster Loveby, or lose my life in the attempt. Friendship I find is an Airy notion, that ne'er had any other Existence, then in a few letters, the decoy of fools, by which they're wheadled into a belief of the integrity of those very men that intent to prey upon 'em.  Florell. 
This is an happy opportunity; I'm resolved I'll take the advantage of an Innocent freedom.  She sees Craftmore aside. Craft. 
Hold! Yet this Charge may be rash and groundless; I'll try my fortune; but first, down swelling heart— z. sighs.— so, now I'll venture to speak to her; You're walking here pensively; thus alone, Madam, seems to speak you possessed with Cloudy Melancholy.  Florell. 
But the approach of you Sir, guilds my face with smiles, and drives away all those Clouds you speak of, 'twould be as impossible to be sad in your presence, Sir.  Craft. 
As for a man not to be in Love in yours, Madam.  Florell. 
I shall not be so vain, as to think you speak the real Sentiments of your mind, since I understand your Love is all disposed of already, to one who has greater Charms and merit, to recommend her to it.  Craft. 
This is strange and unexpected, she gives ground apace; this seems to suit with the purport of her Billet. But both perhaps may be forged, on purpose to make me discover myself; but I must believe her when 'tis my Interest to do so—  aside Florell. 
I see by your grave Consideration you begin to repent the Charges of your Compliment, and the least intimation of your Dorinda, has soon brought you back to her arms.  Craft. 
Madam, I confess there are some small obligations between us; But your Ladyship might lay far greater on me by honouring me, with the Title of your Servant.  Florell. 
The request is so modest, I shall not deny it.  Craft. 
By heaven's I'm Conqueror at last; I have now the alluring prospect of all earthly Joys before me, and a few gentle steps, will bring me to the Enjoyment of 'em; I am come now to somewhat of a knowledge of myself; and am fully Convinced, I have wronged both my Mistress & my Friend. [aside.  Enter Dullhead and Toby: Dulh. with a willow-Garland in one hand, and a Paper in ' t'other. Toyy. 
you Remember the tone.  Dulh. 
Udsfoot Toby: I'll tune 'em I warrant thee.  Reads as a Country Clark does a Psalm. Toby. 
Go on Sir, yonder she is; How he moves along, as stiff as tho' he was in a Case of Wainscot.  aside. Craft. 
What have we here? O'tis Toby's Machine.  aside. Dulh. reads scarce able to speak. Dulh. 
reads.  

A Willow-Garland thou didst send  
Perfumed last day to me;  
Which did but only this Portend  
I was forsaken by thee.   
Sun, Moon, and 7 Stars; how do you like me now forsooth?  Craft. 
What's this? the Pageant of a forsaken Lover, Madam? I wonder you could be so hardhearted, to drive such a handsome witty Gentleman into despair, ha', ha', ha'!  Dulh 

Since so it is, I tell thee what,  
To Morrow thou shalt see, O, O, O.  
Me wear the Willow, after that  
To die upon the Tree.   Florell. 
O my Conscience 'tis Dullhead; 'Twere pity Sir, but you should be, as good as your word.  Dulh. 

As beasts unto the Altars go,  
With Garlands dressed, so I  
Will with my willow wreath also,  
Come forth and sweetly die. O, O, O.   Craft. 
The Psalm's ended.  Florell 
If he would but come to the Execution now.  Dulh. 
Do you know me forsooth? Sun, Moon and Seven Stars how do like me now? Was my Cousin Sr. John here now, he'd think some body put this into my head now, O, O, O. I'll find him out, and show him the humour, and make him wonder at my Invention.  A● he is going out Waspish is discovered, hanging over the Garden-door struggling and kicking; Dulh. sees him, and starts back. Craft. 
Madam, please you to walk this way: A very pleasant Garden: We are now in a kind of Paradise.  Craft. & Flor. courting in dumb show Dulh. 
Udsfoot, what's here? has Waspish hanged himself? I warrant if he's found out he'll be tried for his life; I saw a pure Watch he had to day: I'll borrow it, till he has occasion for't again, O, O, O. First let me try whether he's Compos Mentis or no.  He whirls him round, then goes to pick his pocket. Wasp. 
Theives, Theives, I'm robbed, Murder, Murder.  Dulh. 
O, O! Ghost I defy thee, O, O, I shall be hanged that's certain: Udsfoot I'm dead, I'm dead; Ghost I defy thee, O, O, O.  Craft. 
The noise came this way—  Dulh. Rises and runs out. 
Ha! here's the old Gentleman hung up like Erasmus, between Heaven and Hell; See how he twirls round like a Sparrow roasting at the end of a packthread; ha', ha', ha'!  Florell. 
I'm confident this is my woman's Roguery.  Wasp. cries Murder. 
How she has tortured the poor old fellow!  Craft. 
Come Sir, I'll save you from the Gallows for once; If you will not make good an old Proverb, and cut my throat for't  Craft. cuts him down. Wasp. 
Snoons;— I'll hang you all— O my disgrace, O my shame,— Udsbodikins, I'll e'en fall sick of the fullens, go to bed and die with grief, snoons, I will.  Exit. Enter Primrose with a Letter in haste. Primr. 
O Madam the strangest News.  Florell. 
We have seen your device already.  Prim. 
'Tis not that I mean, Madam; Do you know that Gentleman? 'Tis Mr. Craftmore.  Craft. 
Am I betrayed— [aside]— This is pleasant I'faith, what does your woman mean, Madam?  looks hard on him. Florell. 
The very same o'my Conscience wench, ha', ha', ha'! how cam'st thee to find it out?  Primr. 
Madam, I intercepted this letter by Chance; please you to read it, 'tis directed to him: Mr. Loveby I hear has given out that he's returned from travel.  Craft. 
O this negligent Rascal, my Cormorant; and am I betrayed by my Friend too?  they both laugh. 
What means this unreasonable laughter?  Florell. 
Your unreasonable presence Sir; You may put off your disguise; poor Mr. Craftmore; I swear you are an excellent Man at an Intrigue: Now wench the business of the letter, and all is out.  they laugh. Craft. 
Do you see any one making Asses ears behind me, or have I a Fool's Cap and Bells on? You would persuade me I am not myself.  Florell. 
No Sir, I would persuade you, are yourself.  Craft. 
Well, Madam, I am the Man, if you'is have it so.— But I was never so mistaken in myself, all days of my life before. Do you hear Madam.  She throws the Letter, and goes out laughing with Primrose. Florell. 
Adieu Sir, Da, da. poor thing, would it have a wife?  Exit. Crat. 
O my damned careless Rogue, and more damned treacherous friend. ' Thou he did not know of my coming to Town, yet he reported it at a venture, perhaps on purpose to further his own designs— Distraction, Distraction, Hell and the Devil; I shall run mad.  Enter Dorinda. Dorin. 
hay day! what's come to you now?  Craft. 
My hopes are all Shipwrecked, I'm barbarously Wronged by my Slave and my Friend.  Dorin. 
Pardon me if I think you brand his Reputation.  Enter Loveby, stands behind unseen. Craft. 
Ay,  on him still: and may he be as great a plague to you as she has been to me.  Dorin. 
Passion, passion, mere passion, and nothing else; Be advised, and hearken to reason.  Loveb. 
Ha! what's that? and was her Innocence only pretended, and her simplicity affected? The Sex had been amply Revenged, had she put false Dice upon me; Pox, this is some Country-Wench of a decayed family, and crazed Reputation;— One that he has debauched, and now would put her off upon me, or any one that would be fond of being ruined;— 'Twas well I discovered her; else this Algereen might have taken me with her false Colours, and made prize of me i'faith.  aside Exit. Craft. 
I cannot bear the real falsehood of a pretended friend, therefore I'll demand satisfaction of Loveby; and if he cannot defend himself with his tongue; let him if he dare, with his Sword.  Exit Dorin. 
Anger is a short madness; and 'tis ill trusting a weapon in a Madman's hand: Let either fall, I suffer loss, in this of a Relation; In that, which is ten times more of a Lover: I'll try all ways Imaginable to prevent the threatening ills; and be sure to Examine all their motions, with a Curious eye.  

We ought to watch those things we value most,  
Since they're in danger to be soon lost.   Exit Dorinda.  
The End of the Fourth Act.   

ACT V.  

SCENE I.  Enter Toby. Toby. 
THe Devil's in this slippery Jade, fortune; how she juggles and plays fast and lose with us: If I cannot bring things about again, I must even show my threatening Master yonder a fair pair of heels;— One of my Fools, I think I have pretty well managed already; he was shrewdly terrified with the apprehensions of old Waspish's proceeding against him, and posting into the Country; whereupon for a pretended disguise I have equipt him with an old Rusty Suit of Armour, which I accidentally met with in the house here; and he struts about, and is as proud of it, as a new-listed foot-Soldier is at the first putting on of his Calico-sash, and great stinking Brass-hilted Sword.  Enter Dullhead in Rusty Armour with a long Spanish Sword strutting about the Stage. Dulh. 
Hum,—— hum— hum— [strutting] Sun, Moon, and seven Stars, how dost like me now Toby?— hum— hum——  struts. Toby. 
Oh, It does rarely Sir; only let your gate be somewhat stiffer, your steps larger, and your head a thought higher.——  He puts him in's posture, Dullhead struts and stalks, etc. 
Admirably well Sir; Be sure you remember the terms of Art I gave you, your words of terror, and so forth, and you are a complete Bully.  Dulh. 
Mum Budget— I warrant thee Toby; Udsfoot I shall be a terrible fellow—— by Garagantua, Gog, and Magog, hea Toby, hea boy, hea.  Dullhead practices strutttng and stalking about the stage crying hum, hum. Toby. 
To a hair Sir, you do it to a hair; I'll leave you to your practice.  Exit Toby. Dulh. 
Hum! hum! Udsfoot, but if he should discover me at last, and apprehend me, he would certainly hang me; and that would be a disgrace to me all days of my life after— Udsneaks, I had as good into the Country yet I think.  Enter Lady fanciful. 
Fanci. How, into the Country, did he say? O my misfortunes, I am lost for ever, fall roof, and bury me quick in thy ruins—  pretends to faint: Dullhead stalks to her takes him by the hand, and kisses it. Dulh. 
Hum! hum!  Fanci. 
By this dear hand, you shall not go: For upon my word that Business of Waspishes is made up; He is pacified, and has forgiven you.  Dulh. 
Hum! hum! hum!  not minding her Fanci. 
I am amazed both at the strangeness of his Dress and behaviour, seriously— But oh that Florella, had you heard how she abused you.  Dulh. 
Hum! Buzz, Udsfoot, I shall be a woundy Bully: How forsooth; Did she so, I defy her— hum! hum! She takes me for a fool belike— hum! hum!  Fanci. 
She is like the rest of the young giddy women of the Town that  on empty Shallow fellows, fine  and mere outsides; and never Consider the inner and nobler Beauties of the mind; and have no respect for persons of merit, such as yourself Sir.  Curtysing. Dulh. 
Hum! hum! An Incomparable Lady: Say I met him now; I go up to him, and run full drive against him thus: Then I twirl his hat thrice round his head, and give him not a word but Mum Budget:— hum! hum!  Runs against fanciful and almost beats her down. Fanci. 
His rude Deportment Confounds me, totally, totally: Sir I perceive; I do not engage or attract your thoughts:  Dulh 
Hum! Hum!  Fanci. 
Please you Sir to honour my Apartment, I can show you some small Monuments of my former Servants favours; As a Cabinet of Ebony, the Repository of my Jewels; a Scruto're inlaid with Ivory, and studded with Gold— Besides some choice pieces drawn by the best hands in Italy, with my own Picture at the upper-end, and all presents seriously.  Dulh. 
Hum! She is woundy rich: I'll have her, tho' I lose my Estate by it. [aside] Madam, forsooth, I am in love with you, and will marry you: Toby told me of your perfections before.  Fanci. 
Your Servant sweet Sir, you are the only person I could hope would marry me— [aside]— I'll to my Apartment, and put things in Order for your Reception. Your Servant dear Sir, your Servant.  Exit. Enter Sir John Oldfop the other way. Dulh. 
Udsfoot, here's my Cousin Sr. John— he I not know me trow. I'll Bully him— Udsneaks, I'll Bully him— Hum! hum! hum! etc.  Dulh. stalks to him, holding up his head, runs upon him. 
Hum! hum!  Sr. John. 
What vulgar Rascal has been practising upon the Insensible?  Dulh. walks by him, and hits him on the shins with the end of his sword. Dulh. 
Hum! Buzz!  Sr. John. 
What a pox ails the Impertinent?— He is Infatuated; By heavens Infatuated;— Blockhead will you break forth into the Solution of the Enigma.  Dullhead comes up to him again, and twirls his hat round his head. Dulh. 
Mum, Budget— hum! hum!  Sr. John Old. 
Confound the Irregular Sot, what does he mean? Hark you Sir Diego, my Don Fungoso,—  Dulh. draws and drives him about the stage. Dulh. 
Nay then; by Gog and Magog; Garagantua, and the twelve Champions of England: Francanado:—  thrusts at him. Sr. John. 
'Ounds forbear;—  Dulh. 
Passado:  Sr. John. 
What the Devil, Cousin!  Dulh. 
Palizado:  Sr. John. 
Hell and the Devil,— why Cousin. I say, Cousin.  Dulh. 
Slashado;—  Sr. John. 
Hold, hold,—  Dulh. 
Parado;—  Sr. John. 
'Ounds, are you mad?  Dulh. 
Slapado.  Sr. John. 
What a pox; nay, nay, nay.  Dulh. 
Strappado, Rapado, Bastinado.  Sr. John. 
Help, help, what a plague:— hold, hold.  Dullhead leaves off, struts as before. Dulh. 
No, no; I am a Fool, a man of no humour: How do you like me now, Cousin Sr. John?— Passado, Strappado, Rapado, Bastinado:  Runs at Sr. John as before. Sr. John. 
Nay what a Devil, hold, hold:— prithee Cousin. lay by this humour, and surrender up thyself to attention a little: Here will be some writings presently which you must set your hand to; the Lady expects you, and all things are in Readiness.  Dulh. 
Mum, Budget— No I defy her Cousin Sr. John, I defy her, I have a Lady that is an Angel; and has a woundy deal of plate and Jewels.  Sr. John. 
Confound her: I fear fanciful has set upon him with all her noise and affectation; she is the mother of time; and was Nurse to Eves first child.  Dulh. 
Popum Buz: Say you so Cousin Sir John, I can scarcely believe you tho'.  Sr. John. 
A mere toy-shop, a Change; and tells you of more Lords & Knights, that have been her Servants, than ever were heard of since the order first came up.  Dulh. 
Then I defy her; I'd have her to know I defy her; I would not have her tho' she had a heap of Gold as high as the Monument; Sun, Moon, and seven Stars how do you like me now? Cousin Sr. John.  Sr. John. 
I shall take care to secure you, lest my designs are frustrated: [aside A few swift-winged minutes will bring my Lawyer hither, and then I shall expect your ready Compliance; now will I prepare to feast and wantonly Riot on all the luscious Sweets of Love.  Exit Dancing and Singing. Enter Toby the other way. Dulh. 
Udsfoot, this is a perilous woman: If the old puss had gotten me into her Clutches, she'd have clawed me off woundily, I fag.  Toby. 
How is this? By what I hear, his Cousin Sir John has worked him off from the Interest fanciful had in him too; It must be my Business to bring him on again.  Dulh. sees Toby: he struts about as before, and twirls his hat round his head. Dulh. 
Hum! hum! Mum Budget: hum!  Toby. 
heavens Sir, you're fortunately met.  Dulh. 
Why Toby, what's the matter? hea Toby!  Toby. 
O Sir, A Damnable plot against you.  Dulh. 
Ha', ha', ha'! Is that all poor Toby, ha', ha', ha'! That this fellow should be such a fool to think I could not smell it out, ha', ha', ha'!  Tob. 
Well Sir; you were certainly born with a cawl upon your head, else my Lady fanciful,—  Dulh. 
Had made a Fool of me thou thinkest: Popum.  Toby. 
All mistake Sir, all mistake; Do but hear me.  Dulh. 
I defy her Toby; I defy her; No; I am just come to the point of agreement with Florella;  Toby. 
That is the very thing I came to give you a Caution of: For Sir, you must know your Cousin Sr. John has Contrived to make you sign to a Conveyance of part of your Estate; and intends to put Primrose upon you, and marry Florella himself: Here she is to witness it.  Enter Primrose. Dulh. 
Sun, Moon, and seven Stars, a deep design I fags; a pestilent Contrivance: But Toby; I thought on this business myself man;— Good wits will jump.  Primr. 
What he has told you, is very true; upon my word Sir, But they could not win me to so base, so treacherous an Act.  Toby. 
'Twou'd be a Masterpiece to Countermine 'em, and blow 'em up with their own powder.  Dulh. 
Udsfoot, I was just thinking on't Toby.  Toby. 
Therefore the better to further your purpose, do you seem to assent to every thing they propose: But what ever you do be sure to secure the writings in your own hands.  Dulh. 
Udsfoot, so I will;— Thou art a very honest fellow for this, Toby; ha', ha', ha'! I can't choose but laugh to think how woundily I shall surprise 'em:— Lericum twang, Buz. ha', ha', ha'!  Exit laughing. Toby. 
So; this Business is done effectually:  
If the Blunderbuss go off; I'll engage he does Execution.  Prim. 
No doubt on't, when he is so dangerously loaded by your worship.  Toby. 
Sayest thou so, my little Nymph-tutelar, of the Dressing-box and pomatums, my gentle vestal o'th' Fires of Quince and Marmalade;— this raillery so becomes that pretty mouth of thine; that I gad Child I am so in love with it, I could e'en kiss it again:— [offers to kiss her]— But after all, Gad you must stand to me in this Business of the Letter, or I must ne'er look my Master in the face again.  Primr. 
Oh dear Mr. Toby, the Constancy of your love, and the Sincerity of your passion, cannot but oblige exceedingly.  Toby. 
Look thee, here's a Letter; and I have Counterfeited the Superscription so exactly, you can't distinguish it from the true: possess thy Lady, this was a mere forgery of thy own, and to Convince her, give her this:  a Letter. Primr. 
A goodly work, going on.  Toby 
Which when she breaks open; she'll find to be a blank:— Dost see Primrose, how these yellow Boys shine upon thee like so many little Suns.  Primr. 
I am hearty sorry, the gentlemen are come too late.  Toby. 
Ay do, be obstinate, and refuse; and become a Scandal to thy profession, do, do.  Prim. 
Well; I'll take 'em for once, that your Master may not think me so illbred, as to refuse a Gentleman's kindness.  Toby. 
[Sings] Would I had thee, quoth he?—  embraces her. Enter Florella. Primr. 
To your post, to your post; yonder's my Lady; not a smile, a look, or the least token of familiarity.  Primrose and Toby Compose their Looks. Florell. 
Well friend, I must needs own your master is a non-parile at an Intrigue, we may see what great advantages may be reaped from travelling; without doubt he learned this Mystery at the French Court; 'tis so far out of the Common road of Amours.  Toby. 
Madam; what means your Ladyship?  Florell. 
Ha', ha', ha', poor Gentleman; he thought he lay secure under his disguise, ha', ha', ha'.  Primr. 
Assist me once, good necessary Confidence; and blushes be as far from me, as sneaking illbred Modesty is usually from a Sister of my profession: [Prim. comes up to her] Madam, I most humbly beg your pardon.  Florell. 
For what? is the wench mad?  Primr. 
I Confess Madam; I forged this Letter but now: but 'twas only to try how you stood affected towards Mr. Craftmore.  gives her the Letter, she breaks it open, finds a blank. Toby. 
Well said little Matchiavil; I love and honour thee for this Choice gift of lying—  aside. Florell. 
How! and durst you own it huswife!  Primr. 
Since 'twas Innocently designed Madam, I purposed to disabuse your Ladyship, and beg your pardon  Florell. 
How could you hope I would grant it?  Primr. 
Upon the knowledge of the sweetness of your Ladyship's temper.  Toby. 
Ay; tickle her there my little Cockatrice— glibly, glibly— stroke her gently and betray her with a smile, do, do.  aside. Florell. 
And am I thus deceived, and put upon by thee too?— Let me hear no more of these tricks, If you dare, go to your primitive Knitting Needles.  Primr. 
I promise your Ladyship, I shall be Cautious for the future in Cases of this Nature.  Exit Florella. Toby. 
Ah, my dear little Devil; let me kiss and hug thee for this; I must confess I was Ignorant of thy great abilities before.  A noise of Clashing of Swords. Enter Craftmore and Loveby as fight; Toby beats down their Swords, Dorinda runs in between them; she and Primrose shrieking out. Toby. 
'Sdeath Sirs what do you mean?  Prim. 
Now will I to my Lady, and this will Confirm her in the belief of what I told her, and that this is not Mr. Craftmore.  Exit Dorin. 
I beg you, by the panting Souls of those fair virgins that languish for you, put up your Swords.  Craft. 
Sir, you have wronged a friend of mine, and that in the highest nature; even in the right of his love; basely, in his absence.  Loveb. 
I understand you not Sir:— I wish I knew the Gentleman; that I might give him personal satisfaction.  Craft. 
Had you not once a familiarty with one Craftmore?  Loveb. 
Yes Sir; but no one dares think I would print such eternal stains upon my honour; as to violate so professed a friendship.  Craft. 
Did you not attempt to Rival him in the Interest of his Love?  Loveb. 
No Sir; upon my honour, no.  Craft. 
And to promote your own Amour, did you not (though you know no such thing) spread a false Report of his return?  Loveb. 
Hell reward me if I did.  Craft. 
And taking this advantage of his absence; endeavour to seduce his Mistress from him.  Loveb. 
No, Sir, no; perdition Seize me, if it ever entered into my thought.  Craft. 
Know Sir, then, that I am he.  Loveb. 
Dear, dear, friend; welcome, welcome; ten thousand welcomes.  Craft. 
Dear Loveby forgive me.—  puts up his Sword. Loveb. 
As freely as I hope for the pardon of my own Sins.  Craft. 
Upon the assurance of your pardon; I'll Inform you at a more Convenient time, of the Unhappy cause of this Jealousy;— this frenzy of mine;— why I used this disguise;— for what reasons I sent my Cousin Dorinda hither.—  Loveb. 
How! what an Unlucky Dog am I; now am I ashamed to look her in the Face?— [bowing to her]— Dear Madam, your pardon for all my Rudeness:—  Craft. 
Why, she put on this mask of Simplicity, and I pretended Courtship to her.  Loveby. 
Come Faith Ned; you was a little too blame, that you did not give Notice of your being in Town; but to go quits with you, you must know I have had some suspicions of you too; for when I perceived this Lady's simplicity to be affected, I began to harbour dishonourable thoughts of you both, but now I'm Convinced of my Error, and beg you'd Intercede to her for me.  Dorin. 
You had best try your own power first, Sir.  Loveb. 
Encouraged by you, dear Madam, I dare do much: And here I would make a tender of my whole heart to you.  Dorin. 
O Sir; I shall not be so unreasonable to expect, that you a person so generally received by the Ladies, can any more confine yourself to one woman, than one bottle.  Loveb. 
Madam, I confess I have been a Rover;— But 'tis like those that travel far through other Countries to come to their own; but when they are there, they fix for ever:— Faith Madam 'twould be a charity in you to reclaim a wild fellow.  Dorin. 
The Experiment carries so much of danger in it, I dare not venture.  Loveb. 
I Confess at first my design was dishonourable.  Dorin. 
And how can I be assured 'tis other ways now?  Loveb. 
To give you a Demonstration of it, I would renounce my belove● liberty, for your sake, and venture even to marry you.  Dorin. 
And Repent it the next morning, like a raw acquaintance that has been fuddled with you over night.  Craft. 
Dorinda, dissemble not any longer; give him your hand.  Dorin. 
He had my heart before.  aside Craft. puts her hand in his. Craft. 
And now friend, I have one Request to you, that you would assist me in my love, as I have you in yours.  Loveb. 
I were unworthy else, dear friend—  he embraces him. Enter Florella and Primrose. Florell. 
How Primrose! Did you not say these Gentlemen were engaged in a quarrel? Methinks 'tis a very loving one.— This Confirms me this is Craftmore; and all is a mere Shame you pretended but now.  Primr. 
What a turn is here? all's unravelled again.— [aside]— Believe me I've dealt faithfully with your Ladyship.—  Loveb. 
Curse on ill luck, here's your Mistress; Do you lead Dorinda off, and Immediately send me a note; wherein signify your Contempt of her, that you're lately arrived and married to another. [aside] Expect me instantly.  Exeunt Craftmore Dorin. and Toby. Florell. 
Ha', ha', ha' Sir, you may stay;— ha', ha', ha'!— Well, you're two of the quie●est Sons of Mars, I ever saw:— L●t me see: not so much as scratching of faces; or biting of thumbs;— prithee wench help me laugh.  Primr 
I must do it, lest she suspect I am in the plot against her.  Loveb. 
Your Ladyship is in a very gay humour.  They walk about laughing Florell. 
Really Sir; tho' I must needs own 'twas a very Considerate thing of you, to prevent the effusion of Christian blood:—  walks as before Loveb. 
You do not design to affront me: I shall leave you to the enjoyment of your humour.  is going. Enter a Porter with a note. Port. 
Is one Mr. Loveby here?  Loveb. 
Some people call me so, Sir.  Port. 
Here's a note for you Sir.—  takes it and gives the Porter money Loveb. 
[Reading as Surprised.—] Dear Jack I've been hunting after thee these two days— there's not a Tavern has 'scaped me; I lodge at my Uncle Freelands, by the Temple.  Exit Port. reads on to himself. Florell. 
You seem Concerned.  Loveb. 
Please you to read it, I dare believe you'll be so too.  Florella takes it and reads. Florell. 
But hearing you was with a Cast Mistress of mine: [reads] Tell Florella, that I and my Lady intent a visit within this half hour:— Oh horrid! your faithful friend Edw. Craftmore.  
Oh Inhuman Tyrant! a Turk, or a Cannibal would have treated me more civilly.—  Love. 
I cannot stay to hear you now Madam— But faith methinks this was somewhat cruelly done of my friend.  as going Florell. 
If I be not revenged,— But seriously I thought the Gentleman you parted from was Mr. Craftmore.  Loveb. 
And that I presume was the cause of your laughter: 'tis not generous to be of Counsel against my friend; but to serve you Madam, there is one way left yet; do you Solicit young Bellamore; Muster up your female Arts; spread all your nets to entangle him.  Florell. 
I have already attempted it, and but for my folly, I had succeeded.  Loveb. 
I can give you greater encouragement than you imagine: You know I made my Court to Dorinda, and at last with some difficulty, I prevailed with her to hearken to Conditions: Bellamore perceived it, and gave me a Challenge, which upon her Entreaties I declined, and seemed to lay by all pretensions to her: Upon this he embraced me and styled me his Friend.  Prim. 
Now Madam, all's out; and you may find, I am Innocent.  Love. 
But I only pretended this friendship, that I might the more securely deprive him of his Mistress, so that if you win him, you make room for me, and Craftmore will be disappointed of his Insulting Revenge.  Florell. 
My Oracle; my better Angel.  Loveb. 
I have some extraordinary business; and am in great haste at present: Servant, Madam.  Florell. 
If I can but win upon young Bellamore now.  Prim. 
O let Mr. Loveby alone for an Intrigue; I'll lay my life Madam this takes effect: For when he finds he is bobbed of his Mistress, he'll be as eager to Revenge his wrongs as your Ladyship. If he boggles at Matrimony, 'tis but to give him a bond of Security; and he cannot refuse to own you.  Enter Dullhead above looking out of the window, Knocking and Pounding, etc. Dulh. 
So ho, ho; so ho, ho, ho— Why Toby; Cousin. Sr. John, So ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho;— Confounded Dog Toby— Why Toby— To— by— To— by—  hoops and hallows. knocks and pounds as before. Enter Toby running with a long Rope. Toby. 
Is the Devil in your throat? we shall have you alarm the posse of some Six of the Neighbouring parishes, anon; and they'll be charging you with rotten Eggs and turnip-tops;— I have been trying to force the door, but in vain;— there's no other means for your escape, then by this friendly rope. Clap it  one of the bars, and [throws up one end of the Rope to him. throw me down the end again.  Dullhead getting out of the window, etc. Florell. 
Mercy on us wench; what luggage of old Ironwork? what Hero Burlesquid have we yonder?  Prim. 
Your humble admirer, Madam; your Country-gallant of much land Acres.  Florell. 
Is it that horseload of a fool; let's stand aside a little and expect the event of this Adventure.  Dulh. 
Udsfoot Toby, be sure hold fast:—  Toby. 
I warrant you, you shall come down as swimmingly as a Cat from a Tower in a high wind, with Bladders at her feet: (Alons Monsieur.  He lets him down with a jerks. Dulh. cries out holding by the Rope. Dulh. 
Prithee have a care, if I should chance to fall—  Toby. 
Your bones would make but a sorry Anatomy you'd say, away with it.  Dulh. cries out. Florella and Primrose laughing. Enter Sir John Oldfop Dancing and Singing: Strephon the Brisk and gay, etc. Toby. 
Heaven's Sir, your Cousin Sir John; we must disappear— vanish.  Let's him down. Dulh. 
Udsneaks, so I will.  Sr. John. 
I kiss your fair hands, Madam.  Bows, dances and sings as before. Florell. 
You are in a gay humour Sir John— What means the conceited Fop.  aside. Sr. John. 
All things are prepared for the Solemnity, Madam: I know you need not be directed in bestowing your favours; when there's a certain person of some quality, whose merits justly lay claim to 'em. There's a certain Jewel, Madam, you wear about you, of too great worth to be soiled by fulsome dull Matrimony, and I am convinced it is as good as lost if you bestow on one that can't set a true value on it. I have had the keeping of some scores of young Ladies; they knew me for a person responsable, and fit to be trusted with the treasure:— Confound me Madam, you must not, shall not, cannot deny me.  Florell. 
I'll fit you for this Essence-bottle— But I'm resolved now to carry on the humour; [aside] Dear Sr. John my blushes speak too much the language of my heart.  Sr. John. 
I know Madam, you could not withstand my jantee Insinuating way.  bows, then leaps, etc. Florell. 
Attribute it I beseech you to your  Charms, and let not my weakness be an occasion of a Public Triumph;— Please you to walk with my Woman; she'll conduct you where I'll instantly follow—  Exit Sir John bowing with Primrose. 
Dissolute Coxcomb: But I'll be even with the old Fool since he will be meddling.  Re-enter Primrose. Prim. 
I led him to my old Lady Fancifulls' Chamber, and 'twas darkened to Embolden her Squire whom she had appointed to meet there: I had planted old Waspish under the Bed before, having possessed him, your Ladyship designed to marry him privately; and there he lies in expectation of you, playing Bopeep: thinking when you appear, to surprise you with the humour.  Florell. 
We shall have admirable sport, Wench.  The Scene Changes to Fancifulls' Chamber. Oldfop and fanciful groping after one another, Waspish peeping from under the Bed. Waspish. 
I protest, she stays Immoderately, Udsbodikins my back's almost broke.  Sr. John. 
Oh I hear somebody; it must be she: Dear Madam, where are you?  Fanci. 
Here, here Sir, softly.  they take hold of each other, and Embrace. Sir John. 
My life, my Soul, my Joy:— This is kind, where's the Bed?  Fanci. 
O Don't talk so, good Sir, I tremble to hear you.  Sr. John. 
Confound me; I fear some old hag has practised upon me, methinks I find an aversion in my Love.  Prim. 
Now whilst they're in the very height of Expectation, I'll let the light in upon 'em— ha', ha', ha'! I shall burst with laughing.  Waspish is creeping from under the Bed; they come towards it, stumble over him in one another's arms; Primrose brings in a light: Sr. John and fanciful see the mistake and startle at each other. Sr. John. 
What's here a Succubus: Old Hecuba, is it you? You must like her undergo the Metamorphosis, if you'll have your desires Satisfied.  Fanci. 
I scorn your base dishonourable Actions, but for my virtue and honour, you'd offered violence to my body, foul Ravisher.  Wasp. 
Snoons, treachery, Murder, Cursed Florella, Damned Primrose, I'm betrayed, I'm abused, grant me patience, snoons.  Florell. 
This is excellent Diversion, ha', ha', ha'.  Sr. John. 
Foh, I shall not be sweet again these two months:  pulls out Essence, and rubs it about him. La. Fan. 
I have been gallanted by abundance of fine Persons seriously,— But I defy the best of them to say he ever had his beastly will of me.  Ex. weeping. Sr. John. 
I hate an old fool I Gad,— foh—  Rubbing himself with perfume. Florell. 
Affected old Coxcomb: I'm resolved I'll rid my hands of 'em all. Go you and Cajole that old Fool yonder; let me alone with this.  The Scene shifts, they come forwards. Sr. John. 
Madam, you might have picked out some easy credulous Fop to have made a Cully of, there are fools enough in the Town  Wasp. walks about Florell. 
Think you Sir, I'd expose my honour to the Censure of that fanciful— tho' I value your love above all things;— yet pardon me if I was so discreet as to preserve my Reputation.  all this while in a passion. Sr. John. 
Revenge is low and vulgar; know Madam, there are a thousand Beauties; sigh, languish, burn and die; to taste those Joys, you might have surfeited on. I'll Immediately to my Cousin, whom I have locked up from the violent attacques of that termagant fanciful: But I'll now Enlarge him, and Consummate the Match between you, and then Madam you lie at my Devotion.  Exit. Waspish is fretting: Spies Primrose, puts the trumpet to his ear. Wasp 
Snoons; not a word yet, not a word yet; I'll be Revenged, Snoons, snoons.  Primr. 
My Lady bade me tell you, she's extremely sorry for this Disappointment, and is come to beg pardon.  Florell. Curtysing 
Sir, 'twas my unhappiness this unlucky accident fell out;— But please you to walk with me, I have a Parson within shall make me yours for ever.  Wasp. 
Udsbodikins; say you so, I protest, say you so, very well, very well— Come then, pretty Mrs. Florry, I'm Impatient, Udsbodikins, come, Mrs. Florry, come, come.  Enter Dullhead. Dulh. 
Udsfoot, 'twas well my Cousin Sr. John missed me: What forsooth you thought to make a noddy of me, Udsneaks, there's old Waspish;— I'll bully him. Hum, buzz—  Dulh. walks by him; hits him on the Shins with the end of his Sword. Wasp. 
How, how, Udsbodikins what means this?  Dulh. 
Mum Budget—  twirls his hat round his head. Wasp. 
Confounded villain; he affronts me, Snoons. Let me go, Snoons, Revenge, Snoons.  Exit Florella with Waspish and Primrose. Enter fanciful the other way. Fanci. 
Should Sr. John have met with him now, I'm lost for ever. O he is here. [aside]— Sweet Sir., I thought you would not have disappointed me so.  Dulh. 
Nay forsooth I must confess I was woundily in fault; but I was lock's up by my Cousin Sr. John; and after Toby had Released me, by his advice, I scampered off to secure me from him; we have plotted a woundy revenge against him Udsfoot: and to let you know what 'tis; I'm resolved to marry you forsooth!  Fanci. 
Oh heavens!——  pretends to draw back. Dulh. 
Udsfoot you shall not deny me; If you do I shall be terrible angry: hum, hum, hum, [struts] Toby has procured a Parson within on purpose.  Fanci. 
Oh happy day! O promising hour of balmy pleasures; Oh how my heart throbs and trembles with the impetuous Sallies of my blood—  aside. Dulh. 
Come along forsooth; I'd give an hundred pounds to meet my Cousin Sr. John now, I could be monstrously valiant Udsfoot, hum, hum, hum!—  Exit strutting leading off fanciful. Enter Craftmore and Toby. Craft. 
What, have you noosed your Fool?  Toby. 
I cannot answer positively; but by this he's in the hands of a Canonical retailer, a Marriage-Broker; a fellow that will go throughstitch, with his work.  Craft. 
I expect Florella here Instantly: Yonder she is I think.  Enter Florella. Florell. 
Pray heavens it prove a fit season to sow the Seed of Love  aside. Craft. 
Base treacherous Villain: and am I now betrayed? was this his pretended friendship?  Florell. 
Faithless Inhuman Craftmore; are all his mighty Boastings come to this. Protestations and vows were only made by him I find to be broke again: O Faithless Deserter, who now glories in his guilt and triumphs in my wrongs.  Craft. 
Madam; I perceive your misfortunes hold something of proportion with those of mine.  Florell. 
If I may believe what you have uttered; the kill Circumstances are just the same.  Toby. 
So, so, they begin to close;— You're made for ever you little Dog Toby; down on your Marrowbones, Sirrah.  Florell. 
Would you Contribute to the design; there might be some ways found out yet to lessen our miseries, at least. Suppose a Lady of a plentiful fortune, and a tolerable face, should fly to you for protection, you could not sure be so cruel as to refuse her.  Craft. 
She's my own, if she hold on thus. [aside] Faith, Madam, I think not, was I sure she would take no advantage of it.  Florell. 
Pardon me Sir, if I lay by the Modesty of my Sex;— Then I beg, I entreat you would own me; and to secure you, take this In it is contained all that can Entitle me to an Estate.  gives him a box with writings in't, He looks in it. Craft. 
And this Madam, you deliver into my hands, to Justify the right I have to your Ladyship.  Florell. 
Yes Sir.  Craft. 
I thank you kindly, Madam, I have Caught you at last. I faith— now let your faithless disloyal Lover enter.  Florell. 
O I shall never brook the sight of him I fear:  Craft. 
I warrant you Madam:— ha', ha', ha'!  Florell. 
What mean you Sir?  Craft. 
Come Madam; look upon him; he's not such terrible man.  Florell. 
I understand you not.  Craft. 
I hope my fickle Mistress that neither this my disguise, nor long sickness caused by your unkindness, nor the distant Clime to which I was banished by your capricious humours, can have rendered me a stranger to your eyes.  throws off his disguise. Florell. 
Oh heavens, Craftmore: [aside]— O Sir, is this your trick?— but you cannot:—  Craft. 
Nay, nay, humoursome Mistress; you cannot fall off now; here is my man has overheard all.  Toby comes up to 'em. Toby. 
Yes, I gad Madam; and can swear bloodily up to the point.  Florell. 
And am I over-reach't?— what was't blinded me thus?  Enter Loveby, Dorinda as married. Craft. 
Dear friend much Joy to you.  Dorin. 
And may I not say as much to your Ladyship?  Florell. 
Betrayed on all sides; You may thank your Policy, or you had done penance for the other two years.  Craft. 
If you Command it, I cannot but obey you, Madam.  laughs Enter Dullhead out of his Armour with fanciful. Fanci. 
Him, him!— well, this Matrimony is a most delicious, a very enlivening thing seriously;— him.  Enter Sir John Oldfop. Sr. John. 
Gentlemen and Ladies your Servant— I cannot find my Kinsman, Madam.  Dulh. 
Sun, Moon, and seven Stars; how do you like me now, Cousin, Sr. John?  comes strutting up to him, leading fanciful. Sr. John. 
Ha! what would the Impertinent Blockhead have? he is not tied to that Chimaera; and Madam, am I deprived of you too, and all my promised Joys? where are the writings I trusted you with? you may keep your fool but not a groat Estate.  Dulh. 
They're in safe hands; ne'er stir, Cousin Sr. John: I scorn your affronts; Marriage is honourable; how do you like me now?  struts and cries hum, hum! Toby. 
They may be forth coming upon weighty Considerations: Seal, sign and deliver;—  offers a Paper Sr. John. 
To threescore pounds, do you hear?  Toby. 
Then here are the writings Sir; when you quitted your pretensions, the Guardianship devolved upon Sir, your humble Servant.  Dulh. 
Udsfoot Toby; we have out-witted my Cousin Sr. John most woundily, hea Toby:—  struts by Sr. John-hum,- hum, etc. Enter Waspish and Primrose masked. Wasp. 
So, so, Mrs. Florry; 'tis very well; protest, the old Snake has Cast his Skin; I'm twenty years younger than I was, Udsbodikins I am; You little leering, fleering, wriggling giggling Fubs you: Come kiss me, Udsbodikins, come, kiss your husband Mrs. Flory.—  jumps and offers to kiss her. Craft. 
Much joy to you, Sir; now you may go suck the sweets of your Primrose.  Wasp. 
How, how, I protest, Snoons, Snoons, treachery, treachery, I'm undone, undone; That Witch, Devil Florella, Carion, Strumpet Primrose: I'll Poison myself, Cut my throat, and leave my Estate to the King; Snoons, Snoons.  pulls him by the sleeve; puts the trumpet to his ear. looks on her, flings her hand out of his. runs after Prim. storming. Loveb. 
This is all trick, and very pleasant I'faith.  Florell. 
What coupling here has been  Prim. makes signs to speak to Wasp. he puts his trumpet to his ear. Prim. 
What will you give me to Release you Sir?  Wasp. 
Any thing in the world; make thy own proposals— ruined, ruined.  Primr. 
Sign but this writing here, Sir.  while he signs it Toby fetches the Canonical habit and shows it him Wasp. 
Ay I protest with all my heart.  Primr. 
Know Sir, this was the Parson, and this is the habit, in which he married us.  Toby. 
You had the first fruits of my Deaconship, I assure ye Sir.  Wasp. 
A Dog, Confounded Villain; I protest I'll put you in the Bishop's Court; I'll make you do penance for this, Snoons, snoons,  runs after him. Toby looks him in the face moving his lips as tho' he spoke, and laughing. Toby. 
Well Primrose suppose thee and I should play the fool, and commit Matrimony.  Primr. 
That word has a Charm in it, not to be resisted; by a poor helpless solitary Maid.  Toby. 
Agreed then wench; our virtuous Industry has procured us enough to rend a single room; and may all in good time bring Mr. Toby to some reverend office in his ward.  Craft. 
For the service done me, I'll make your life easy to you  Toby. 
I thank you Sir.  Loveby. 
Come Sir, you are not to stir till you have shaken off your ill humours by a Dance.  to Warpish. a dance of all. Florell. 
Well Sir; you have been too hard for me at last, but it is some pleasure to see my revenge on that brace of old Coxcombs.  to Craftmore. 

May all old fools, that Wedlock do Importune,  
Or Sue for love, with ours find equal fortune:  
And may all those that make their Lovers tarry,  
Be thus Trapan'd like me and forced to Marry.    
FINIS.