THE CHARACTER OF A Quack-Astrologer: OR, The spurious Prognosticator Anatomised. A Quack ginger is a Gypsy of the upper Form, a Wizard unfledged, Doctor Faustus in swaddling Clouts; the fag end of a Soothsayer, or the Cub of a Conjurer not licked into perfection; one that hath heard o'th' Black Art, and his finger's Itch to be dabbling in't, but wanting Courage to meet the Devil at a personal Treaty, chooses to deal with him obliquely, by way of a cheat, rather than by the direct Negotiation of a Familiar: A threepenny Prophet, that undertakes the telling other folk's Fortunes, merely to supply the pinching necessities of his own; whose stock of Learning lies all in Reversion, and his knowledge only of Futurity, for he understands neither things past nor present, yet (as Owls see best i'th' dark) ken to an Hairs-breath those to come. He boasts himself Heaven Secretary, the Stars Privy Councillor, persuades you that he can jilt the book of Fate, and picklock the secrets of the Destinies, but is in truth a paltry Hocus, whose Juggling box is a Scheme, Planets houses, and Aspects his several Properties, and his whole Art but a well contrived Faculty or Legerdemain to bubble inquisitive and credulous Fools of their Money. He differs from an honest, able Artist, as a Licentiate from a Doctor. His natural impudence, and a stolen Ephemeris set him up, and he gins at once to be a Student and a Professor; one night sprouts forth this Mushroom of Science so high, from its native dunghill, that forthwith, Sublimi ferit sidera vertice. For by bungling in the worst part o'th' Mathematics, from saucy Jack in an instant he commences Master Doctor; no sooner has he learned the Mystery to set a figure, but he fancies himself, a whole Sphere above Tycho Brahe, or Friar Bacon; and is more proud of the knack of finding out part of Fortune, than Columbus of discovering the new golden world, or our Modern Navigators the Northern Indies; thence-forwards his cloven Tongue is tipped with Prophecy, he never opens his mouth, but 'tis Bearded with a Planet; let the discourse be what it will, he still speaks Astrology, and magnifies Urania, though she may be (for aught he knows to the contrary) a footer of stockings. Ask him what 'tis a clock, he answers, Sol wants three degrees of the Cusp of the mid-heaven. Inquire what news from the Rhyne, and he'll tell you of Jupiter and Saturn at daggers drawing in the fiery Trigon, that the Dragon's tail has stung the Dog-star, and Vrsa major the blind Bear to be whipped by Gemini, about the Antarctic Pole. Some say, he took his first being from a cunning Woman, and stole this black Art from her, whilst he made her Sea-coal fires, but he boasts 'tis all acquired by his own industry, and if so, you may swear no man ever more verified the Proverb, He that teaches himself, has a Fool for his Master: the truth is, if any able Proficient out of a generous charity, discover to him the first Elements of Art, his gratitude (like Aristotle's to Plato,) is to abuse his Instructor, with opprobrious epithets of black-mouthed detraction, and convince the World by railing, that his skill in Star-craft is taller than his Tutors, by six Cubits and a Span He impudently citys Ptolemy and Cardan, and makes Haly and Abumazar his common vouchers, yet scarce understands the Book of knowledge; and his Library for seven years is the Introduction, and Erra pater. You might know him by his threadbare Blew-gown, that served two apprenticeships to his back, and was worn without mercy in the hottest of the Dog-days. You may learn Astrology without instruction, by the character of his face, on which 'tis as hard to find the Image of God, as to discover the true Effigies of a Saint by his weatherbeaten Statue: for the wrinkles on his Necromantic brow represent the 12 signs, & all the Monsters on the celestial Globe are drawn to the life in his countenance. His prime task is to Con hard words, with which he startles his trembling Querents, who take them for names of his confederate Daemons. Asmodeus and Mefaustophilus are not half so terrible: they are too boisterous for Prose; but there are Charms in Verse, we will therefore shackle them in Meeter, where they run like the hobbling rhymes on the top of an Almanac. Anababizon, Dodecatemory, Hermetick, Trutine, Combust, Cazimi, Horoscope, Animodar, Smoky den, Caput Algol, Hylec, dreadful Almuten, Alcocodonean, Apheta, Anomaly, Retrogradation, Orientality, Apogaeon, Zenith, Nadir, Cosmical, Acronick, Azimuth, Helio-centrical, Sextile, Trine, Quadrate, and opposed Aspect, Eccentric, Epicycle, Polar, Epact, Grim Trigons, Radix Genethliacal Refraination, Schemes Profectional, Direction, Anareta, Transition, Micros-contaratos, and Caudas position. But to proceed more methodically, 'tis requisite according to rules of art, we consider the radix of our prodigious Subject. He was begot (like Merlin) by an Incubus on a Lapland Witch (whence he can easier resolve any question than who was his proper Father:) The eldest of the Sibyls played the Midwife to this Mooncalf, and Dame Shipton his dry Nurse fed him with May-dew, & Pap of Trismegistus, rocked him to sleep with a whirlwind, lullabied him with the still Music of the Spheres, and wrapped him up in the Zodiac for want of swaddling clouts. Himself is most fit to Calculate his own Nativity; but if Scorpio be not slandered when 'tis entitled signum falsitatis, (a sign of a treacherous Nature) 'tis doubtless his true ascendent. Some fancy the Egyptians & Chaldeans, (those Bel-weathers of superstition) were mainly invited to studies by the plain and champaign situation of their Countries. Who knows but his lofty education might first set out Astrologazestar a gog, who sitting many years on his Throne like an Eastern Monarch, (for, spite of his Doctor ship, he is originally a Knight of the crosslegged order,) in a Garret four stories high, had the better opportunity to contemplate the celestial bodies, and search out the meaning of their respective twinkle? He affirms the Patriarches were all as great Astrologers as Alphonsus, or the three Kings of Colen, and would gladly at any time exchange the two tables of God's commandments, for enoch's pillars. He loves Job the better for the sweet influences of the Pleyades, and offers to make affidavit, that jacob's Ladder was only a jacob's staff. To see him perpetually poring on Heaven, makes me wonder, a man should busiehimself so much about a place he is never like to come to: you would think his eyes were nailed to the Stars, for he is always looking upwards, yet dares believe nothing above primum mobile, because 'tis beyond the reach of his Astrolabe. He is a punctual , even to a minute, and when he is most busily employed without Question does nothing. His groundless Guesses he calls Resolves, and compels the Stars (like Knights o'th' Post,) to depose things they know no more than the Man i'th' Moon; as if Heaven were accessary to all the cheating tricks Hell inspires him with. He gins with theft; and to help people to what they have lost, picks their pockets afresh; not a ring or spoon is nimed away, but pays him twelve pence toll, and the Ale-drapers often straying tankard yields him a constant revenue: for that purpose he maintains as strict a correspondence with Guilts and Lifters, as a Mountebank with applauding Midwives and recommending Nurses: and if at any time, to keep up his credit with the Rabble, he discovers any thing, 'tis done by the same occult Hermetick learning, heretofore professed by the renowned Mall-Cutpurse. At other times there's nothing more pleasant than his shuffling evasions; first, he gravely inquires the business, and by subtle questions pumps out certain particulars which he treasures up in his memory; next, he consults his old rusty Clock, which has got a trick of Lying, as fast as its Master, and amuses you for a quarter of an hour, with scrawling out the All-revealing figure, and placing the Planets in their respective Pues; all which being dispatched, you must lay down your money on his book, as you do the Wedding fees to the Parson at the delivery of the Ring; for 'tis a fundamental Axiom in his art, That without crossing his hand with Silver no Scheme can be radical: then he gins to tell you back your own Tale in other language, and you take that for divination, which is but repetition; he neither knows nor regards the rules of the Ancients, nor the true position of the heavens, but follows his Fancy, and says what he thinks will please most; to colour which he abuses an honest Aphorism, A te & Scientiâ. The old Shepherd that got the repute of being weather-wise, by telling one man it would rain such a day, and another, that it would be fair, learned that trick of this Hiccius Doctius, who to hit the white shoots opposite ways, and predicts contrarieties of the same matter; thus he tells you, The Lord of the second separating from Saturm, Mercury Peregrine, without shoe or stocking, beholding the man, and the significator of the thief, in square to the ascendent, infallibly show your things are stolen; but the Moon in the seventh house, and the Lord of the Horoscope being Lord of the hour, tell him, they are only mislaid, or strayed away, and therefore you were best look carefully for them. Then he asks, if you have never a suspicious person that much frequents your house? you presently think of some body, and your answer discovering the Sex, he wonderfully tells you whether it be man or woman. For a description, he says, he must mix the Testimonies of the Significators, which he blends so accurately, that your fancy may apply it to any that you please to mistrust. As to the grand Quere, Shall the moveables be recovered? he answers, after a serious shake of his empty noddle, that although an Infortune retrogade in the eighth, and the Sun many fathom under earth, have no mind to restore them till latter Lammas, yet the dispositor of the Moon in partile Trine to the Ascendent, (being his special friend) has engaged on his honour you shall have them again by Tuesday come seven-night; and that Mercury that notorious pilferer, being in Northern sign, and Westernly quarter, in the Southern-angle of the Oriental Triplicity, plainly shows they are conveyed North and by South, whereupon he sends you on a fruitless Pilgrimage to Long-lane, Pepper-Alley, or Cow-cross, yet would have you to know, he could fetch them back in an instant through the Air, only he fears destroying his Majesty's Fleet, and spoiling Sherwood-forrest by the violence of the tempest, and would show you the phantasm of the thief, but that he knows you will be frighted out of your wits, to see a worse Devil than himself. However he asks how and in what part you please to have the rogue tormented; and to prevent the like damage hereafter, offers for five pieces to give you home with you a Talisman against flies, a Sigil to make you fortunate at Gaming, and a Spell that shall as certainly preserve you from being robbed for the future, a sympathetical powder from the violent pains o● the toothache. This is his greener practice, till being arrived by the success o● his villainies to a plush Jacket, he grows too squeamish to intermeddle with these beggarly Elements, stolen Bodkins, or she-asses gone astray. For the women hearing of his Fame, throng after in droves, and a Fleet of Coaches rides every morning at his door. The young Gallant bribes him with a Guinny, to know when his miserable Father will have the civility to go to Heaven; and is so pious as to double it, i● by Art he can expedite his journey. The Chambermaid lately cured of the Green-sickness, by lying in the trucle-bed, comes to know whether the Butler will accept of his Masters cast Suit for a Livery. And the old toothless Lady must needs be resolved concerning a seventh Husband. All these he dispenses Oracles too, with a confidence equalled by nothing but his ignorance; for if any presume to scruple his judgement, he flies into a passion, and (as the Poet justified his Play) seals with an oath, the truth of his predictions. The best use can be made of him, is as ● helper forward in an amorous intrigue; at which he is exceeding dexterous, and so good Natured, that he will not refuse to pimp for a bountiful querent. He trappans a young Heiress to run away with a Footman, by persuading a young girl 'tis her destiny; and sells the old and ugly Philtress and love-powder, to procure them Sweet hearts. He finds the minute, the precise one minute that no woman can hold out in, and when a man may venture on the sweetsin, even in the Park, and defy the Chirurgeon. He elects a fi● time for adulterous meetings, and directs them whether North or West, Barnet or Battersea will be least obnoxious to discovery; yet cannot all his skill conceal his own debaucheries: for the malicious Planets, (in pure revenge 'cause he blabs abroad, so many of their secrets,) will not suffer him to keep wench in private, or oblige the Parish with an Astrological By-blow in hand-basket, but they'll tell all to the babbling World, which laughs to be hold the celestial Scout-master, exposed to the correction of the Sessions and infamy of a penitential sheet. His mighty ambition is to write an Almanac, which he doubts not but will make him more famous, than either Copernicus or Kepler, though it only unlock the Terms, point out highways, and direct Mountebanks and Sowgelder's the proper season of the year to kill or torture in. The frontispeice (if he can go to the charge,) shall be garnished with a gaudy picture, which he bribe's the engraver to make not like but handsome; this sets off the pamphlet in a Country fair, as a horse sells the better for the ribbon, wherewith Jockey ties up his tail. He would willingly (like the grand Signior) strangle all his Brethren, and cries out against his fellow ignorants, as public whores against private for spoiling the trade. He takes a world of pains to vindicate himself from certain magical feats, which no wise man ever believed, he or any body else could perform: and is so passionate in denying that ridiculous charge, as if he intended you should still suspect him guilty. The first leaf demonstrates Ptolemy to be as infallible as Euclid, and in six lines confutes all the learned volumes of Mirandula and Gassendus. His Calendar musters up more Saints than the world now a days yields good Christians, and each month is faced with such heroic verse, as scorns to be confined to the dull pedantries of measure and sense. He writes of the weather hab nab, and as the toy takes him, chequers the year with foul & fair. The novice star-reader peruses it with as much reverence as a Jew, the Pentateuch; but the Country man makes bold with it for a registry, wherein he files his most important memoirs; when his Mare took Horse, Puss kitled, or Goreback went to Bull. In the rear of the fardel stands that ghastly Goblin the Anatomy, under which we have notice of some universal Pill, or wondrous cures the Author can perform. For you must know, a cunning-man is an infallible introduction to an Empiric, & (as some Rats are both for land and water,) his judgement at the Scheme and the Urinal is equally excellent. If the physic of the dog-leech turn not your stomach, let's jog on to the Prog, and now, Readers! Linguis animisque favete, with reverend silence attend the oracle, who comes to cut out the fate of the year, & allot each Kingdom and State its destiny. The Text is Sol in Aries, which he can either make as terrible as Curse the Meroz of old, and mould into marmalade and sugar plumbs at his pleasure. Sometimes he threatens Poland; by and by falls upon the Sweed, (like a renegado from christianity,) brings the Turk into Hungary, strikes the Pope into a Fever, frights the Empress, and makes her miscarry, musters up the rebellious Cossacks and sets Prester John, & the Crim Tartar together by the ears. All this mischief he performs by the mysterious art of canting, and the help of his lousy rhetoric, that cheats people into an opinion of his abilities; having purloined some shreds of Latin, he lards there with his dry discourses, and Greek comes to him (as other Brutes have their knowledge) by instinct, for he writes it before he can distinguish one letter of the Alphabet. He antedates effects to their causes, and maintains each herb and flower receives its virtue from the Planets, whereas those were growing before these were created. He impairs Gods universal monarchy, by making the Stars sole keepers of the liberties of the subluminary world, & not content they should domineer over naturals, will needs promote their tyranny in things artificial too, asserting, that all manufactures receive good or ill fortunes and qualities from some particular radix, and therefore elects a time for stuing of Prunes, and chooses a pisspot by its horoscope. Nothing puzzles him more than fatal necessity: he is loath to deny it, yet dares not justify it, and therefore prudently banishes it his theory, but hugs it in his practice, yet knows not how to avoid the horns of that excellent Dilemma, propounded by a most ingenious Modern Poet. If Fate be not, how shall we ought foresee, Or how shall we avoid it, if it be? If by freewill in our own paths we move, How are we bounded by decrees above? To conclude; his certainty in declaring future events, is like the predictions made to Caesar, Crassus and Pompey, or that of Bardugy to the thrice noble Captain, who all, notwithstanding the promises of such blandishing Hypocrites of Long-life and prosperity, fell by the strokes of a violent and untimely fate. To avoid the scandal whereof, he commonly studies ambiguous expressions applicable to every time, Prince and Nation. And when any extraordinary accident happens, glories that he foretold it, and fortifies his old Prognostications with new reasons; or if he be convict of falsehood, excuses it with blasphemy, or at least, cloaks only with another, saying, the wise man rules the stars, whereas in truth (as the learned Agrippa long since observed) neither the Stars rule the wisemen, nor the wisemen the stars, but God overrules them both. FINIS.