England's Merry jester: OR, Court, City and Country JESTS, New, and Suitable to the Humours of the Times; Witty and Familiar, for the Increase of Merriment, and Improvement of Friendly Conversation, As they are used among the Wits of the Age.  
To which are added, as a Second Part, Bulls, Banters, Quibbles, Repartees, Pleasant Stories, and Poems: THE Qualifications of an Expert Town-Wheedle; with the Art and Mystery of Wheedling.  
All Profitable, Pleasant, and Delightful.  
The like never before Published.  
Done by a Lover of Merriment.  
LONDON, Printed by J. wild, for N. Boddington, at the Golden Ball, in Ducklane, 1693.   

 bawdy scene 

Reader we think the Pictuere is a jest.  
If not proceed and Mirth attends the rest.  
If you can smile at this there is no doubt.  
Ere half the Book is read you will Laugh.     

To the AUTHOR, Upon his New JESTS, etc.  

IF Mirth and Merriment can give Applause,  
In this you carry from the rest the Cause:  
O'er Melancholy you a Triumph gain,  
And do with little Cost, remove the Pain:  
Mirth here springs up, as from its native source;  
Here needs no Doctors Fees, nor Physic's Course,  
To cure the Patient: It's but to peruse  
What you have writ, and that that pleases, choose:  
And you will find, whate'er is your Complexion,  
Some Balm, or Cordial-Powder, or Confection,  
That will restore Mirth to a drooping Mind,  
And render Thoughts disturbed with Grief, refined.  
This is not all: It will Discourse improve;  
And in the midst of Dullness, Laughter move;  
Furnish the private Wits with Merriment,  
And give the public professed Ones content.  
It's true, and I must own it, That in Jest  
Many appear, but this I count the best:  
In this Men such Variety will find,  
As cannot miss to please a changing Mind:  
Blow hot or cold, your humour here is suited;  
The Wise approved, the foolish are confuted:  
Converse, by this, is scrutinized, to see  
How most men's Tempers with their Words agree:  
For he who from Friends takes a Jest unkind,  
When most they want him, will lag last behind.  
Then be good-natured, and for Merriment,  
One Hour a Day in reading, think well spent;  
And by considering well what here is writ,  
Yourself may, one day, set up for a Wit:  
For why, we see, the Wits of this Age boast  
Their Parts, in Jests and Rhimes, and Banter, most;  
And he that can excel in this, is famed,  
Tho' some will say, He's but a Will nicknamed.    

THE Preface TO THE READER.  
SInce Mirth is very much conducing to the Health of Mankind, and consequently to the Prolongation of Life, as well as for pleasant Entertainment and Satisfaction to Humane Society; it is but reasonable, all Inoffensive Ways should be studied, to procure and continue it: Wherefore, among many others, I have thought it convenient to take this Method, seeing this way it may be had without Toil, and with little Expense of Money or Time. If Jesting was not approved, as a speedy Antidote against Cares and Anxieties of Mind, I would fain know why so many wise Princes in divers Ages, have been at the Charge of Maintaining fit, qualified Persons for this very purpose, who, with their well-timed and seasonable Jesting, have refreshed their Minds, and rendered them calm and serene, which were before rumpled and tossed with perplexing Affairs of State, or other Anxieties.  
But to come nearer to my purpose; I must let the Reader know, That great care has been taken, to put down nothing that may reasonably give Offence to any understanding Person, or grate the modest Ear; but that they are drawn up smooth and pleasant, the greater part being New, and never before Published, and all of them such as most usually are delivered in Company, to garnish out Discourse, and keep up Good-Humour. He must needs be of a very Melancholy Temper, that some or other of these will not move to Laughter.  
But by the way, let me tell you, If you would be taken for a good Jester, you must always observe to Time them well; that coming ●…at upon the Discourse, ●…r hitting the Thing you ●…eavel at, they may have more Force, and better Acceptance with the Auditors. Avoid Profane Jesting, by any means; for that cannot be pleasing, but to Profane Persons.  
And the better to furnish out this Book, that there may be nothing wanting, I have thought fit to add, as a Second Part, several Bulls, Drolleries, Repartees, Banters and Pleasant Stories With the Art of Whee●…ling, now very much in Use.  
And so recommending the Book to your favourable Censures, I remain,  
READER, Your humble Servant to Command, J. S.   

England's Merry Jester; OR, Court, City and Country JESTS, etc.  

1.  
A Gamester having borrowed Ten Pounds, and lost it, sent for Ten more, by the same Token that he had borrowed the like Sum before; Nay, replied his Friend, unwilling to venture further; you come only by Wo●…d of Mouth, and may deceive me: therefore tell him, unless I see the Token, I shall not send him a Farthing.   

2.  
A drunken Blade reeling out of a Tavern, and on his way homeward, found his Head so light, that his Heels scorning to carry it any farther, fairly tripped themselves up, and laid him in the Kennel, where he took a pleasant Nap; till the Watchmen coming their Rounds, found him a snoring; and ' waking him, told him, he must Come before the Constable: Gad, tell the Constable, you Puppies you, said he, that he had nothing to do with me, for I belong to the Scavenger.   

3.  
A Gentleman in a dark night had got a bit of Link of a Tavern-Drawer to light him home, it being so late, that the Link-Boys had left the Streets: but the Flame in a short time coming so near, that it almost made his Fingers suffer Martyrdom, he drew out his Sword, and stuck it on the Point of it; when coming by a Watch-House in that strange posture, the Constable called him before him, and demanded, why he walked the Streets in Terror at such a season, to Alarm and fright People with Fire and Sword; and began to read him a Lecture of the great Mischiefs that had been done by those two mischievous Instruments: To which our Spark replied, as he staggered and tottered too and fro, Why, why, Mr. Constable, you are a very strange Man, to talk at this rate; what, won't you allow me a Save-all to my Link? This Conceit so pleased the Constable, that he sent a Watchman to see him safe home.   

4.  
Sir Thomas Moor in King Henry the Eighth's time, was a Man of infinite Jests, who falling into that King's Displeasure, and being to be Beheaded on Tower-Hill, said to one that gave him his Hand, I prithee, Good fellow lend me thy Hand to get upon the Scaffold, but as for my coming down I take no heed; and when the Executioner was about to strike the fatal Blow, Hold, Friend, said he, let me put my Beard on one side, for although you have Commission to cut off my Head, you have nothing to do to cut my Beard: for whatever has been pretended, that has committed no High-Treason, as being grown since I came into my Confinement.   

5.  
Sir Joceline Piercy, Brother to the Earl of Northumberland, in Queen Elizabeth's days, being an Airy Spark, and very Ingenious; observing a Countrywoman had attended in the Lobby of the Council-Chamber several days, he demanded her business; who told him, she had a Petition to deliver, in hopes of the Redress of a certain Grievance, and could get no body to deliver it for her. Let me see it then, said he, and looking upon it, Puh, this will never do your business, but I will draw up one instantly that shall prove Effectual: her Controversy it seems was with the Parson of Moortclack, about stopping a Watercourse, that thereupon overflowed her ground, and did her much Damage. He wrote her one, and getting it presented by a Friend, immediately retired. The Woman was called in, and the Clerk of the Council ordered to read it; who could not for a time do it for laughing, till he was checked and commanded to read it, which was in these words, 
The Parson of Moortclack  
With two Stone and a Stake,  
Stops up my Water Lake,  
Help, Lords, for God's sake.   
Upon this, they allburst out into Laughter, and for the Fancy's sake, made an Order, that the Parson should remove his two Stones and a Stake, and leave the good Woman's Watercourse open.   

6.  
Scoggin in his time, having affronted the Maids of Honour, and other Court Ladies, by throwing out satirical Jests; they upon their Complaint, obtained he should run the Gauntlet, and every one with a Switches have a blow at his naked Back; but before he began his Race, said, I wonder that you should be all thus bend against me, I know many of you to be honourable and virtuous, but by this Trial it will be known whom I meant; for she that is guilty of the Charge I urged, will be sure to strike first: hereupon they stood gazing upon each other, admiring who should be she; each forbearing to begin, till he run quite through them, and escaped the Punishment designed.   

7.  
One time he wanting Money, and meeting a Lord as he was walking musing in the Court, set a good face on't to wheedle him out of a broad Piece, and coming up to him, said, My Lord, I had a strange dream last night, and now half of it is out, for I dreamt I met you here, which now proves so, and that you gave me a broad Piece: Well, said the Lord, than I will make out the other part, and so gave it him; and then said, Alack! I mistook, give it me again, for that is a Piece my Mistress gave me to keep for her sake, which he readily did, in hopes of a better Gratuity. Then said the Lord, I'll now tell you my Dream, that it may be out likewise, viz. I dreamed I gave a Fool Money, and he had not the Wit to keep it: and so he passed on, leaving Scoggin to scratch his Ears and vex at being out-witted.   

8.  
King James the First abhorring Flatterers, and being one day in the Park, where some Noble Men leaped before him for a great Wager, he said, Is this all you can do? is it the farthest you can leap? A Parasite who stood at his Elbow, said it was nothing to what his Majesty had done in his younger days; thinking thereby further to ingratiate himself: to which the King replied, By my Saul Man, thou liest; for I could never leap so far, by five foot.   

9  
The same Monarch upon his Accession to the English Diadem, had several great Presents made him; and a poor Gardener hearing that he gave largely to the Presenters, resolved to try his Fortune; whereupon he presented him with a Turnip of a vast bigness, and he considering the Man's poverty, ordered him a Hundred Pounds. A person who had a very find Horse, for which he was offered 120 broad Pieces: being informed of this, thought to himself, that if the King gave so much for the Presentation of so small a Value, he should not miss of treble the Sum: and accordingly made a Present of his Horse, which the King liked exceeding well; but having private Intimation of the Parties Expectations, he frustrated them, by only ordering the Hundred pound Turnip should be given him to make his best on't: which Frustration caused him to go away, scratching his Ears,   

10.  
A Person having been notorious for Quarrelling, wounding divers, and at last killing a Man, Intercession was made for his Pardon, which this King granted: but such Clemency not being sufficient warning, he killed another; and when the like Suit was made, the King replied, Nay by my Saul Man, it was not he, but I that killed this Man; for if he had been hanged before, this party had been alive; therefore he shall die for making me unwittingly guilty of Murder, and accordingly he was Executed.   

11.  
The King being upon a Country Progress, and at an Inn, after Dinner went privately from his Attendance, whilst they were in the height of their Jollitry, and coming to the Stable, found the Ostler sweeting in currying down the Horses; to whom he said, Good Fellow, what News do you hear in these parts? what Discourse have they of the King? Why truly Sir, replied he, nothing to the purpose, but that he makes a great many poor Knights. Upon this, the King retired, and ordered him to be sent for; the Fellow being conscious of what he had said, trembled at the consequence, but go he must, and coming into the Presence, he was ordered to kneel, which with some unwillingness he did: Then the King drawing out his Sword, which he supposed was for no other Intent, then to cut off his Head, cried out for Mercy, and begged his Pardon; but was a little comforted, when the Royal voice bid him Rise up Sir Roger Clodpate Knight; telling him his Report was now verified, for he had made one poor Knight; and so dismissed him to occupy his former Employment of rubbing down the Horse's Heels.   

12.  
This King separated from his Company in hunting a Stag, went to a mean Cottage, on the edge of a Forest; where he found an old Woman seething Pottage, and being keen in Appetite, desired some of them, which she presented him; but being none of the cleanliest, and having unusual Herbs in them, caused in him an extraordinary Belly ache, of which he complaining, she immediately fetched a Bullet, desiring him to swallow it as a present Remedy; when straining to get it down, she cried, O Sir, you have a very narrow Throat, I have swallowed it a hundred times upon the like occasion, and never found any difficulty in it.   

13.  
Archee the King's Jester, when Archbishop Laud bore a great Sway in King Charles the First's time, being asked his Opinion of a Set of Coach-horses that were presented to the King; said, they should be ecclesiastics, come from the pampering of good Benefices, by their Fatness, but were too unwieldy for Service; making in his Comparisons Reflection on the Archbishop: which he highly resenting, caused search to be made for him, to cause him to be punished; but he could not be found, till some of his Friends prevailed with the King to make his Peace: And where then, said he, do you think all this while I have hid myself? We know not, replied they; Why, said Archee, I'll tell you; even in the Chappel-Pulpit, for I knew his Grace never would come there to look for me.   

14.  
A downright Country Farmer coming to bring this great Prelate Rend for some Tenors he held of him, and having never before been in the presence of any but a Justice or the Mayor of a Corporation, accosted him, with May it please your Worship, at the same time giving a scrape with his Hob-nail Shoes, but was jogged by the Servants behind him, and ordered to say Grace instead of Worship; What, said he, must I say Grace where there's no Meat? but if it be the fashion here, 'tis an odd one; then lifting up his Hands, he said, The Eyes of all things, etc. and so went on, to the Admiration of the Bishop, who took him to be distracted, till he found he had done it by Misunderstanding.   

15.  
King Charles the First, riding a Progress, and coming to a Country Knight's House, who though proud of the King's Visit, yet his Coffers could not reach to a very sumptuous Entertainment for so great a Train; but having very fine Orchards and Gardens, it being Fruit time of year, what wanted in Fish, Fowl, Sweetmeats, etc. was supplied by the Tables being loaded with Pears, Apples, Plumbs, Nuts, etc. insomuch, that the King said, What means this? we shall ruin the Country: which a blunt Country Fellow who waited hearing, and thinking to put a fine Gloss upon the matter, replied, Your Majesty need not fear that, for we have so many, that we are forced to give them to the Hogs: which pretty Compliment set the whole Company in a Laughter.   

16.  
Hugh Peter, the Bell-wether Holderforth, who was a kind of a Buffoon Jester to Oliver Cromwell, Preaching at White-Hall before him, began commend the Officers for their Courage and Bravery, telling how they had been Advanced, what Favours they had received from the Protector; but here's particularly one amongst you that has been as deserving as the best of you; a Man that has had Experience of Hemp in his Calling; for some say he's a Shoemaker, others, that he's but a Cobbler; but let him be which of these he will, his Name is Hewson, and here sits a sleep under the Pulpit. This Banter upon the cobbling Colonel made such a tittering among those that sat next to him, that he awaked, and thinking all was done, was about to go out; which Peter's perceiving, said, Nay, Colonel, since you have had such a large Nap, you are by this time sober enough to take another's Glass; and turning up his Pulpit-glass, went on with another Hour's Harangue, much to the like edifying purpose.   

17.  
The French Ambassador residing at Court, in the Reign of King Charles the Second, to boast the Greatness and Success of his Master, went vauntingly about, showing a Distich he had made; 
Una dies Lotheros Burgundos Hebdomas una,  
Una domat Battavos Luna quid Annus agit.   
This proud Insult displeasing the witty Lord Rochester, since dead, he was resolved to put upon the Monsieur, and looking over his shoulder, turned them thus into English.  
Lorraine he stole; by Fraud he got Burgundy,  
Holland he bought; but Faith, he'll pay for't one day.  
Upon this, the Frenchman made his Complaint to the King, but to no purpose; the King telling him, he was a person that would have his Humours of that kind, do what he could.   

18.  
This Nobleman being very early in St. James' Park, walking and musing for new Crotchets of Poesy, met the King, with his Brother, and the Duke of Lauderdale, walking from White-Hall to St. James'; the King seeing him, said, How now, Rochester? what makes you so early here? I warrant you have some new-minted Fancies in your Head? Come, let us hear one of them; the Earl excused it, as not convenient; but the King pressing it, promising he would not be angry whatever it was, he thus descanted on them: 
For Maiden-Head-Bargains, your Majesty's best,  
The Duke for his Valour and breaking a Jest;  
And Lauderdale, that is so wondrous pretty,  
By his Politics, gains the Applause of the City.  O my Conscience, says the King, he has Satired upon us all: well, go thy ways, thou art an Arch Wag, and so they parted.   

19  
King Charles the Second was a very merciful Prince to Offenders, and extended his Clemency to a great many that were condemned; the condemned Roll one day being presented to him by the Recorder of London, to know his Pleasure, who should Suffer; several Courtiers being present, interceded some for one, and some for another; whom he crossed out, till there was but one left; then he asked who spoke for him, but none answering, O my Conscience, says the King, this is a poor Fellow, and wants Money, I'll stand his Friend; and struck him out.   

20.  
When the great Heat of Petitioning was one Foot, a Petition among others was Delivered by— which being read, King Charles looking upon those that brought it, said, very familiarly to them, Well, Neighbours, I cannot but wonder you should trouble yourselves about my Business, however, we'll defer it for this time; and tell the rest of my Neighbours, when I come to Windsor, I'll discourse it further with them over a Pot of Ale, and so dismissed them; smiling at the Answer they were to return to the rest of the Subscribers.   

21.  
A Woman who was adapted to somewhat of the Frailty of her Sex, being brought to bed of a Boy, her Husband sitting by the Bedside, was consulting who should be Gossips, and amongst others, he named a person who was by some suspected to have a hand in the pie; saying, he knew he would stand: whereat lifting up her Hands, she replied, O the Father! that you should think of him.   

22.  
A plump Country Lass being in a London Service, her Master wheedled her to his Embraces, so that after repeated Dalliances, she proved with Kid, and one day there being a Pig for Dinner, she happening to Long for the Ears, eat them; as knowing, if they came to the Table, they would not fall to her share, and therefore made sure work beforehand; the Mistress however missing them, made Enquiry, and being told the naked Truth by the simple Girl, demanded how she came to be in that condition? Why truly and indeed forsooth, replied she, by my Master's help; the Woman then wishfully looking upon her Husband, who sat by, said, Is this true? Yes indeed, replied he, I believe it may, And when was it done, said she? Why truly Sweetheart, when you were sick last: Ah! replied she, with a Sigh, and was I so sick, can a Woman be so sick, that her Husband must needs go astray? O unkind Man—   

23.  
A Woman in the Country being in Labour, divers were called, and amongst the rest, an old Woman; but it being a cold Night, she neglected to rise till daylight, and then hasted to the house, and had notice the Woman was safely delivered; when stumbling at an old Cradle, where a sick Pig was wrapped up in a piss-burned Blanket; she, for want of her Spectacles, mistaking it for a Child, fell to kissing and slabbering it; crying, O pretty Babe, it is as like its own Father as if it had been spit out of his Mouth.   

24.  
A Country Lass having been at London, in a Service, and had gotten tolerable good Rigging upon her; coming down again, had a great many brave Kinsfolks came to visit her, amongst the rest a Widow-woman's Son fell in Love with her; but stumbling home from his Courtship, her Mother asked him whether at the parting he had kissed Mrs. Mary or not? No, indeed forsooth, said he, I forgot it; then replied she, I charge you, Boy, upon my Blessing, go back and do it; lest you be thought unmannerly, and disgrace our Family: Away thereupon trudged Hobnail; but the Door being locked, she refused to let him in, it being very late, but proffered him the Favour he desired through the Casement; and finding him a simple Fellow, instead of her Face, presented him her Breech, which he very amorously smuggled, and giving a scrape, went away very thankfully; and told his Mother at his Return, that now he liked Mrs. Marry better and better; because he was sure she was a good Housewife: How know you that, said the old Woman? well enough, replied he, For she had been late up a spinning, and had Toe in her Mouth when he bussed her.   

25.  
A witty young Man in the Country, having a Love for a Rich Farmer's Daughter, and she the like for him; but he being poor, the Farmer would by no means consent to the Marriage, which put the Spark upon a Stratagem, viz. going abroad with his Mistress one Evening in the Fields, he pulled out his Knife, and cut a round hole in the ground, desiring her to make Water in it, which she modestly refused, till he entreated it again; urging, they should both reap the Fruits of their Desires by it; she had no sooner done this, but he fell to belabouring the place with his stick, and so concealing the conceit, went home with her, and then with a kind Kiss parted and went to an Alehouse, where his Companions began to pity his Disappointment: No matter, said he, let who will have her, I'm sure I have paid her pissing-hole sufficiently This being taken in the worst Sense, soon came to the Ears of the Father and Mother, who, with open cries fell to reproaching their Daughter as a wicked naughty Wretch, to defile herself, and slain her Family. The Maid remembering what had passed, took the Hint, and improved it; saying, if any such thing had happened, it was their Faults, in hindering her from marrying with a Man she so well loved O you young Whore then! said the Old Man, do you confess it? Come Wife, continued he, let's send for the Rogue, and marry them, before it be noised any further; and accordingly by this Trick the Lovers obtained their Desires with the consent of all parties, which no Entreaties before could procure.   

26.  
A super annuated Chambermaid perceiving the Midwife to be so well paid, and have a great deal of Moneys at her Mistress' Christen, resolved to study that Art, and having got some Notions out of Books, declared herself a Proficient; giving warning, and resolving to set up for a Mother Midnight: her Mistress being a witty Woman, smiled at this, and to improve the Frolic, told her, she highly approved of her Undertaking, and doubted not her Skill; adding, she should try her first practice on a young Cousin of hers, who was to come from London to lie in at her house in a few days: for this promise she returned her Mistress many Thanks, and prepared herself with Necessaries. In the mean while the Mistress and some Gentlewomen whom ●…he had acquainted with the Intrigue, procured a smock-faced beardless Youth, who, dressed in Woman's , came ●…s from London, and passed for the expected Cousin, with a Cushion under●…eath for a great Belly: Throws were pretended, and the new Midwife called, who immediately fell to grabbling, and ●…atching hold of his Label of Mortali●…y, fell a tugging at it, as supposing it ●…art of the Child, crying, Now all hands ●…o help, for I'll assure you 'tis Labour, ●…or here is one Leg in the World already; at which they all bursted out ●…nto a Laughter, till their sides ached, ●…nd Mother Midnight finding her Mi●…take, left not only her Service for ●…ame, but forswore the Practice for e●…er, seeing she had been so fooled at ●●e first Bout.   

27.  
A Country Lass coming up to Town ●…n a Packhorse to seek her Fortune, had the good luck to be hired as a Servant to an an old Rich Mercer, who was a Bachelor, and pleased him so well, that at last he married her; he●… Brother, and the top of her own Kindred, who was a downright hone●● Ploughman, hearing of his Sister's promotion, threw by his Paddle-staff, pu●… on his Holiday , took up h●… Quarters Wages, and up to London h●… came; and knowing the Streets by th●… Direction of a Letter, though not th●… House, enquired from Door to Door fo●… his Sister Joan, who had lately marrie●… her Master, till at last he was so luck●… to find the right, where he was highl●… welcomed, and being at Dinner, th●… old Mercer said, Well, Brother-in-Law as I now must call you, I am glad 〈◊〉 see you, or any of my Wife's Relation●… she has been a good Servant to me, an●… I hope she'll make as good a Wise; w●… have a plentiful Estate, and all I wish ●● a Child to inherit it, which yet we hav●… not hopes of: at this Dick looking wi●● fully upon Madam his Sister, blunt●… said, How now Joan, what art the turned a barren Sow in London? the waste not wont to be so in the County and though she frowned, beckoned, and made dumb signs for him to hold his Peace, yet he went on: And well, Brother, (continued he) as for an Heir, you need not trouble yourself, for she has a thumping Boy in the Country, got by Will. Dobson, her Master's Thrasher; and the Parish would be glad to be discharged of it. At this, the Old Man stared, and Madam went blushing from the Table, that a Fool's Bolt so unwittingly shot, had ruined her Reputation.   

28.  
A Woman having a Cros-grained Husband, hard to please; she desired him to write down what she should do, and what she should not do, that she might not err in her Performance: this was done, and she well observed her Rules; when one day going a mile or two to visit a Friend, the good Man got lightheaded, and on his Return home, reeled into a Ditch, calling to his Wife to help him out: Indeed Husband (said she) I remember no such Article in my Orders, but I'll go home and see; and if there be, I'll come and help you, or else you must get out as well as you can, for I am resolved not to break them.   

29.  
An unmarried Gentlewoman desirous to have her Picture drawn, sent for a Limner, and gave him Directions to draw it at Large, in full Proportion, but to represent a Virgin: he having drawn the Face to her Content, drew the Drapery and other Parts at home; but, when she saw it, she was disgusted, because it was not of Stature and Proportion to her Body: O Madam, (said he) I lessened it on purpose; for had it been so Large, none would have believed it could have represented the Picture of a Virgin in this early Age.   

30.  
A Girl about Ten Years old, had got a trick of confidently staring in men's Faces when they were talking; for which her Mother reproved her, saying; Daughter, our Sex enjoins us Modesty, and you ought to be bashful, and look downward when you are in men's Company, and not to stand gazing and gaping as if you were looking Babies in their Eyes: to which the pert Girl replied, This Lecture forsooth, should have been read in the former ignorant Ages, but every Age grows wiser and wiser; that Maids of this Age know better: Men indeed, may look down on the primitive Dust, from whence they were taken, but Man being our Original, I will stare in their Faces, say what you can to the contrary.   

31.  
A wealthy Citizen, and once a Man of great Authority, considering how Time improves Understanding, was heard to say, that every Age grew wiser and wiser, than that which preceed●…ed it; for (continued he) thus I prove it; My Father was wiser than my Grandfather, I am wiser than my Father, and my Daughter is wiser than us all three.   

32.  
A Widower, whose former Wife had lead an unquiet Life, by reason of his Insufficiency, came a courting to a brisk Lass, who thereupon refused; but her Mother chid her, saying, She was a Fool to refuse such an Offer, seeing he's very Rich, and would maintain her very bravely: Ay, but Mother, (replied she,) If we should chance to fall out, what shall we do for a Peacemaker to reconcile us? In troth, let who will take him, I had rather go in my Hair-Lace and Slippers with a Cock of the Game, than to russle in Silks, to be trod by a Capon.   

33.  
A Country Squire of a homespun breeding, Courted a brisk Girl, Daughter to a Rich Farmer, who by her Father's Consent, was persuaded to marry him, he having a pretty good Estate; and accordingly the day was appointed: but one day espying a Mare, on which the old Man used to ride to Market, and for her easy going was much esteemed, which he desired into the Bargain; but being refused, fling away in a Huff, and told him, he might then keep his Daughter: the Girl was mighty glad of this Rupture, but soon after repenting his Folly, he came again, when none but she was at home; but she made as if she knew him not, Why, this is strange (said he) that you should so soon forget me; why, I am such a one, O, I cry you mercy Sir! (replied she) You are the Gentleman that came a wooing to my Father's Grey Mare; why truly, your Mistress is grazing in the Orchard; you may go and make your Addresses to her, if you please. This Repartee so dashed him out of Countenance, that he never had the sa●…e to speak to her afterward.   

34.  
A Woman having often up●●aided her Husband for following Whores; he came one night, expecting a Juniper-lecture, having a Gut filled with Ox Blood, tied at both ends, in his Breeches, he miss not his Expectation; for she presently began to open at him in the old Dialogue: Well Wife (says he) since this breeds our difference, I'll ease you of your Jealousy, by removing the Cause of it; and so in a furious manner, pulling out his Knife, cut the Gut, and threw it in the fire: the Woman seeing the Blood, and thinking he had destroyed her Playfellow, run screaming out, crying for help, for that her Husband had murdered himself, and a great many Women coming in, found him on the Floor in a counterfeit Swoon: an old Woman among the rest, undertook to search the Wound, and sadly assured them, it was too true, for his Guts were all in his Breeches: O than said the Wife, I had rather he had cut his Head off.   

35.  
A Company of Roaring Blades coming into a House, called for Wenches, but there happened to be but one at that time in waiting; at which they began to bluster; saying, What a Pox, have you no more Whores, Landlord? No Sirs, (replied he) not at present, but by and by I shall; and in the mean time if you please, I'll send you up my own Wife.   

36.  
Two Country Fellows going by Saint Paul's, as it is now Magnificent in building, says one to the other, (who stood with his Mouth at half Cock,) look you here Robin, here's a great House, I●…se warrant it cost Forty Shillings building: Ay, replied the other, Forty and Forty to that. Nay, hold you there Robin, not too many Vorties; for my Father had a Barn built for Visty Shilling.   

37.  
A Merry Wench perceiving a Fellow with a Torn pair of Breeches sit straddling, and his Whim-wham hanging out, said, Prithee Harry what's all this? Why, only my Purse and Pack-thread: Say you so; (said she) why then my Purse being cut, Prithee lend me your Pack-thread to mend it.   

38.  
Two Gentlemen travelling, and spying at a Brook in a Field, by the wayside, a bouncing Country Lass, with her Coats trussed up to the middle of her Thighs, bucking her ; says one to the other, let us put upon this Wench. I'll venture a Bottle, says his Companion, she answers you. Done, says the other: Then Sweetheart (says he) what ails your Thighs to look so red? O Sir, (replied she) I carry fire in mine Arse, and want your Nose for a Bucket to take up water to quench it: Upon this unexpected Repartee, he durst not make a second Attack, but yielded his Wager lost.   

39  
A Parson over-seeing the mending of a Causey before his Dear, a Nobleman riding by, thought to joak upon him, saying, Well Doctor, I see you are mending the way; but it seems it is not the way to Heaven: No, my Lord, (replied he) if it were so, I should look upon it as a great wonder to see your Lordship come this way.   

40.  
A Country Fellow mounted between two Dorsers in Bartholomew Fair, sat gaping at the juggling Tricks of the Jack Puddings, whilst four arch Fellows shouldering up his Packsaddle, ungirthed it, and drew his Horse from under him, which they carried into a neighbouring Inn: the Fellow all this while looking steadfastly up to the Scaffold; whilst being weary with supporting him, they slipped aside, and let him fall squalch to the ground: whilst this amazed him, and made him stare about, one came with a snip of Hose-hair in his Hand, saying, he saw the Horse sink into the ground, and catching by his Tail, tho' he could not hold him, had plucked off that Hair: The Fellow took it for Conjuration, and on his Knees besought them to restore his Keffel; but nothing would do, till he had deposited all the Money he had taken at Market for his Butter and Eggs.   

41.  
One having stolen an Alarm Watch, stiffly denied it before the Justice, so that upon the slender Evidence, he was discharged; but before he got out of the Hall, the Alarm went, and he was thereupon ordered to be brought back again; at which he cried out, O what hard ●…uck have I! that I, could so easily baffle both Justice and Constable, and yet am trappaned by the Watch.   

42.  
A Drover driving some Sheep through a narrow passage where the Trap-door of a Cellar was open, a black Ram fell in, and it being night, the rest were driven on, without it being missed: The Boy being sent down for Drink, and seeing a black thing, with shining Eyes, came running up in a manner breathless crying out, the Devil was in the Cell●●; the Master going down to see, came up more affrighted; whereupon a Parsona little fustered, being in the House, undertook to Exorcise the supposed Daemon, as most proper to his Function; and so with his Book and his Candle went down. The Ram no sooner heard him make a great noise, but he came running full drive at him; the Parson starting at this unexpected Assault, and throwing his Arms abroad, one of his Sleeves catched hold on a Tenter-hook, whereupon in the Fright, thinking he had been in Belzebub's Paws, throwing away his Book and Candle, cried out with a lamentable Voice, Help! help! he has me, he has me: which so frighted those above, that instead of coming to his Assistance, they all run out of Doors, and left him to shift for himself.   

43.  
An ordinary Gentleman of Wales travelling to London to seek his Fortune, and being put to hard shifts, borrowed a Silver Tankard at an Inn where he lay, which being found upon him, he was Tried at the Old-Baily, and there burnt in the Hand; which narrow escape of hanging, made him haste back again to the Mountains: upon his return, one of his Countrymen enquired of his Adventures; O (said he) amongst other rare Things, her met with the cunningest Fortune-tellers imaginable, who looking on her, told her, whether her should live or die, and that her might the better remember what they said, it was writ with an Iron Pen in her Hand.   

44.  
Another Welshman who had been whipped at the Carts-arse, and his Companion hanged; upon his Return, being demanded what was become of the latter, (replied her) was pravely married. Are you sure on't, (said they?) Yes, Plutter-a-nails was her, for her very well remember, her danced such a Shigg at her Wedding, as her never danced in all her life before.   

45.  
Teague an Irishman, being Servant to an English Gentleman, his Master going to the Bowling-Green, and forgetting a pair of Bowls he had caused to be made for his own playing, sent Teague to fetch them; who mistaking him, went unto the next Close to fetch the Bull, but he would not come without the Cows, so he brought them altogether, and drove them into the Green. Sirrah, (says his Master) what's the meaning of this? where are my Bowls? Why, Dear Joy (replied he) here is thy Bull; but upon my Shoul, I could not get the damned Bitch to come without his Mother and Sisters, and that be de Reoshon I stayed so long, hoping dou wilt not be angry. The simplicity of the Fellow, put them all presently into a fit of Laughter, and induced his Master of forgive him.   

46.  
Remember, (says a Gentleman to Irish Donnel) that you mind me to write a Letter, and send you to morrow morning to such a place; Yes, Dear Joy, (replied he) and so getting up the next morning, away he trudged Three Miles, without speaking to his Master; being come to the House, the Porter asked him his business, or what he come for. By my Shoul Joy, (said he) I cannot tell; Why, who sent you, (says the other,) Why, my Master bid me bring a Letter. Where is it? (says the other) I cannot tell. (said the Irishman) Who did write it? In good troth I cannot tell; (continued he) for I came away before ●…e was up: The Man seeing him block●●●d●…h, resolved to put a Trick upon him, 〈…〉 eupon ordered one of his ●…ervants 〈…〉 a Wa●…p's Nest, and catch about 〈…〉 in a Box: this done, he 〈…〉 knew what his Master 〈…〉 him for, viz. was a Box of Silk-Worm●… but he must put them in his Breeches to keep them warm, or they would die; he did it accordingly, but had not gone far on his way, but the box opened, and out came Monsieur Yellow Jackets, fixing their Lances in his Thighs and Buttocks; which made him caper, run and roar like one possessed with a Fury.   

47.  
Another Gentleman having one of this Nation to his Footman, as wise as the rest; ordered him to step over the way to such a Tavern, and ask if he were there: the Fellow very ignorantly went, and returning, says his Master, Am I there or no? No, be my Shoul Joy, they say dye be not there, but thou wilt be there by and by.   

48.  
Two bouncing Lasses washing themselves at a Spring in an Orchard, it happened whilst they were merry and dashing one another; a Fellow that came to steal some Fruit, lay snug in a Tree, whose Boughs hung over the Water, but peeping out of Curiosity too low, his hold slipped, and souse he sell in, crying out, miserably he should be drowned: the naked Lasses frighted hereat, left their  behind them, and fled amain. The old Man their Father, was just shutting the Door as they came to it; but they rushing in, boat him down backwards, and running up stairs, covered themselves in the Bed. The Old Man thus overthrown, lay sprawling and crying out Thiefs, and Murder; when the Neighbours coming in to demand the cause of his Exclamation, O! (said he) there are Thiefs in my House, desperate Russ●…ans, all in Buff, with black Bandeliers under their Waists, are run up stairs: This startled them at first, but the truth being known, turned their Fear into Laughter.   

49.  
A Priest visiting a Party that was sick, and without hope of Recovery, proceeded to comfort him, saying, If he died, he need not fear to be carried to Heaven on Angels Wings: That will do well (replied he) with a faint Voice, for I am so weakened with my Sickness, I shall never get there on foot.   

50.  
A Gentleman sending his Irish Servant into the Mew, to see whether his Hawks had Cast, and he seeing one that had got his Hood off, playing with the other, and sometimes laying hold of his Head; he run in, and assured his Master, that one of them were about to Cast: How do you know that? says his Master Why, by St. Patrick's Shoe-buckle, there be the great shign of it, for the other Hawk is holding his Forehead.   

51.  
A Country Yeoman marrying a Farmer's Buxom Daughter, but she having a greater Kindness for another, had promised him her Maidenhead; and whilst all were in the height of Merriment, they two retired into a back Milk-house, and there the Promise was made good; but before the Sport was well ended, her Mother came in, and discovering what had passed, fell a rattling her extremely, whilst her Gallant sneaked away. The Bridegroom hearing the noise, came and desired to know what the matter was? O Son! says the old Woman, the Baggage has just now carcked a Pipkin that has been kept without a Flaw these Nineteen Years: O Law! (says Clodpate) who could not reach the meaning on't; is that all? Pray don't be angry, and here is a Groat to buy another.   

52.  
A Woman who had a drunken Husband, hi●…nking to reclaim him by Affrightment, put him once into a Coffin, and and laid him in a Vault, where being dead drunk, he slept all Night; the next morning she knocked so loud at the door of the Vault, that he awaking asked who was there? One (said she) that is come to bring Meat to the Dead ●… If you had brought Drink (replied he) you had been welcome, but for Meat I have no occasion for, and therefore may carry it back again. O miserable Woman that I am! (said the Wise, what a hard Fortune is mine, to have a Husband that will be drunk even in his Grave.   

53.  
A Brisk Lass having married a Tailor, carried him to see her Friends in the Country, where some Wenches giggling, and being heard to say, Margery has married a Tailor, good lord! what (said she) replying sharply, would you have had me a married an Angel?   

54.  
An old Knight, who along time had a Female Help-mate, called a Housekeeper; who had so well tickled his Fancy, that when he died, he left her his Coach and Horses, and Five Hundred a Year: in requital of which Extraordinary Beneficence, she Erected him a Monument, where among other Things, his Figure lay along at Large, and hers was placed kneeling at its Feet with a Book, as if Reading: An Arch Wag seeing this, who was no stranger to their Intrigues, writ under it with a piece of Charcoal, viz.  
Though good Sir Harry would not Marry,  
He loved the Pleasure out of measure:  
When he lived, and had his Feeling,  
She was Lying, he was Kneeling.  
But now he's Dead, and past his Feeling,  
He is Lying, she is Kneeling.   

55.  
A Gentlewoman, who in her Life-time was of but light Fame, and so Lustful, that she laboured to Sue out a Divorce against her Husband for Insufficiency; but died before it could be obtained: whereupon laying a Stone over her, he caused these Lines to be Cut on it.  
She's dead, who living, no Man e'er could please,  
No natural Engine her hot Lust could ease,  
But now behold the Wonders Death can do,  
One Stone sufficeth her, we plainly show,  
Who in her Life-time waned content with Two.   

56.  
A Weaver's Wife in Spittle-Fields, upon the Death of her Husband, ordered a Mason to lay a Stone on his Grave●… and being desirous to have some Word●… upon it, knew not what; at last it cam●… into her Head, viz. Here lieth the Bod●… of John Ball, Weaver of Spittle-Fields And what more? says the Mason, who was a Thick-skulled Fellow at Invention. That's all, says the Woman; upon this, he thinking she meant the last Words for a Rhyme, set it down in this manner.  
Here lieth the Body of John Ball,  
Weaver of Spittle Fields,— That's all.   

57  
In another place, a Man having been very troublesome to his Neighbours, they were all glad when he died, yet in Remembrance of him, clubbed for a Stone, upon which were Engraved these Lines.  
Here lies the Body of John Dry,  
Ho! ho! does he so? and there let him lie;  
If you disturb him he will have a Claw,  
His very Ghost with you will go to Law.   

58.  
A Country Fellow, who had never seen a Coach before, observing one come rattling along with a Gentlewoman in it; demanded of one that came riding behind, what that Trundling-House was called? who replied, a Coach: Very fine, replied the Countryman: And who is that Gay Woman in it? Why the Queen of Hearts, said the other; In troth (replied he) I thought so, because the Knave of Clubs was so close at her heels; for they are always shuffled together.   

59  
A Mountebank riding along the Road, saw a great Crowd in another Road a little distant, and sent his Man to see what the matter was; who come riding back in great haste and Consternation, crying out before he came at him, O Master! fly, fly, for your Life; What ails the the Fool? what's the matter? said our Doctor? O Sir! said his Man, there's a Fellow a●…going to be hanged for killing a Man, and you have killed forty to my knowledge in your time, with your Pills and Potions.   

60.  
A swinging stomached Fellow being set to a large piece of Roast-Beef, ●…ut sometimes at one end, and sometimes at another; the Mistress of the House entreated him to cut fair, and not spoil the fashion of the Meat: Don't ●…ou take care no care for that; (replied ●…e) it matters not where I out, for I ●…o intent to make both ends and the middle meet, before I go: and he proved as good as his word; for he eat it ●…ll up, to the Admiration of all the Beholders.   

61.  
Counsellor Marriot the great Eater, ●…argaining with a Man that know him ●…ot, to fill his Belly with Gammon of Ba●…on for a Shilling, he presently devoured ●…ne Gammon; at which the Man be●…an to grumble, saying, He had put it ●…nto his Breeches, or conveyed it out at ●…he Window, for he was confident, no Man could ever eat it; it weighed (said 〈◊〉) Nine Pound and half: Puh, thou art a silly Fellow, (says Marriot) and dost not understand what belongs to eating: I'll wager you the price of both, I eat another. Done, said the Cook, and fetched another; standing by till he had eat above half, and was going on to the rest; then he snatched it away, saying, Certainly thou art the Devil; for none but the Devil could devour at such a rate: and so without taking a penny of his Money, entreated him to be packing.   

62.  
Henry the Eighth, designing to Wa●… against France, ordered a Rough Message of Defiance to be carried to the French King, which was so grating, that the Messenger doubted of his Life if he delivered it: saying, The French King would undoubtedly take his Head off replied old Harry sternly, If he dares to do it, I will revenge the Affront, in taking off the Heads of a Thousand o●… his Subjects: But alas! Sir, said the other, what good will that do me, when I have lost mine? for I do not believe any of theirs will fit my Shoulders.   

63.  
A Lady having a Lap-Dog, that she was very fond of; one day the maid happened to beat him for a naughty Trick, and my Lady hearing his Cry, came running to his Rescue; demanded what he had done? and began to chide her rough usage of her beloved Whelp. Madam, (says the Wench) he deserves this Correction, and worse; if you knew all, you'd say so: Why, what has he done? tell me quickly, Nothing, Madam, but you having carelessy left your Dressing-Box open, he has very unmannerly untrussed a Point amongst your Lady ship's paints and Perfumes.   

64.  
A tailor's and a Baker's Boy meeting together, Come, says the first, let us go and crack a Pot, we shall ne'er want Money at our Trades, as long as there are Backs and Bellies, and our Masters have chalked out a way to pinch and Steal for our Expenses. I know not what Tricks your Master has showed you, (says the Baker's Boy) but I'll take it upon me to say, that my Master is as honest a Man, as ever lived by Bread.   

65.  
A Person seeing a Fray in the street, and being Pot-valiant, would needs thrust himself into it; got a shrewd cracked Crown, which obliged him to send for a Surgeon; who being long at Probing; he asked him what he was doing? Why searching (said the other) For what? (said the Patient) To see if your Brains were not hurt, (says the Surgeon.) Truly Sir, (replied he) you may spare that labour, for if I had had any Brains, I had escaped this Mischief, by being wise enough to keep out of a Fray, wherein I had no Concernment.   

66.  
A Man coming to a Painter to draw him a Bear upon a Sign-board, and being to be brought to but a very indifferent Price; (says the Painter) the Chain and Collar must be Leaf-Gold, and that is dear: Puh (says the Man) I care not a Pin whether there be any Chain or Collar. So drawn it was at his price, but with such slight Colours, that the next great Rain washed it off. The Alehouse-Man hereupon sent for the Painter, and reproached him for a Cheat; O (says he) did I not tell you that by all means, you should have had a Collar and a Chain; but being left lose, has even run away, and all that I can say to the matter is, you must find him where you can.   

67.  
A Scotchman intending to set up a Two penny-Chop-Ordinary, went to a Carvers, and bargained with him to Carve him a Bare Head for his Sign, and he taking him for a Barber or Perriwig-maker, Carved him one accordingly: but seeing it, disliked it; (saying) Upon my Saul Man, in geud faith this is not the Bare Head I meant; No (says the Carver) what then? Why, a Bare Head of the Sow's Husband who has little Grices and Gruntlins following her, crying aweek, aweek. O now I understand you, (says the Carver) you mean a Boars Head, Yes, by Saint Andrew do I; (said Jockey) and so they agreed.   

68  
In Popish Times, when the Holy Rood was set up; a Country Carver had made such an ugly Image, that it stood like a  to fright the Children from Church, so that the people would not contribute to pay him; he thereupon warned them before the Mayor of the Town; who told them, 'twas reason the Man should be paid for his Labour, and if they liked it not for a God, they might make a Devil of it.   

69.  
A Fellow being sharply reproved by his Neighbour's Wife, for conserting with Lewd Women: Why, what would you have me to do (says he) I am a Bachelor and resolve not to marry; yet if I could have an opportunity to kiss an honest Woman when I had an occasion, it would wean me: Hark you then (said she) whispering in his Ear, my Husband won't come home to night, and I'll leave the back Door open for you, you know the way to my Bed.   

70.  
A Woman having a drunken Husband, who when she scolded at him, used to beat her when he came home in that pickle; whereupon she went to a Doctor to know what would cure him of that boisterousness; who by her Discourse, perceiving that her Tongue occasioned her hard Usuage, told her, he would give her a Water, which if she held in her Mouth when she let him in, and till he was in bed, he should have no power to beat her. The silly Woman put it in practice, and whil●● her Mouth was so filled, she could not use her Clacker, and so escaped many a banged sides: Mr. Doctor got a Crown a week of her, till one of her Gossips diving into the Mystery; told her, she might as well save the Charge, and hold her Tongue without it and consequently be secure from beating.   

71.  
A Countryman being sent by a Gentleman to his Son with some Moneys, who was a Student in the Temple, and finding a Note in the Keyhole, viz. I am gone to the Devil, he started, and his Hair stood an end, and for a while knew not what to think or say; till supposing himself near the Confines of Hell, and that he might be fetched to accompany him: he thundered down stairs, took Horse, whipping and spurring without having the Courage to look behind him, till he came home, and there with abrupt stammerings, delivered the supposed dreadful News of his young Master's fatal Disaster testified under his own Hand: but when the Truth of the business came out, it proved to be only the Devil Tavern, where he was recreating himself with some Friends.   

72.  
A Country Lawyer being in years, yet, upon a second Marriage, taking a brisk young Wife, she made many dumb signs to inveigle his Clerk to her Embraces●… who, for a while, did not, or would not understand them: but growing gamesome, she persecuted him so at last, that by tickling, and other Love-tricks he could not write in his Desk for her. Wheroupon, he made a mark with Chalk, about two yard's distance, upon the floor, telling her, That if she came over it, he would lay her down and ruffle her to some purpose. Will you so, (said she,) I'll venture that. Upon which, seeing but too plainly what she would be at, he took her in his arms, and threw her upon the bed: where, as to what they did, we drew the curtain. A little Boy, that could but just speak, saw this passage; and the Lawyer coming home, and about to step over the chalk, he catched hold of him, crying, Oh, Father! Father! if you step over the chalk the Clerk will take you and throw you on the bed, and then lie upon you a great while, as he did upon my Mother. By this we see, Children and Fools tell truth.   

73.  
A Woman, playing not only false with her husband, but with her Gallant, admitted more to her Embraces: so that one coming suddenly, before she could dismiss the other, she made the first get upon the Bed's Taster, whilst she entertained the second; but hearing her Husband's tread, coming up stairs, she thrust him under the bed. The Husband, by the heat and confusion she was in, the rumpling of her , and the like, smelling a Rat, commanded her to tell him who had been there. She solemnly protested, No body. But he urging it further, she, with up lifted hands, protested again, saying, There's One adove knows all. The Fellow on the Taster thinking she had purposely betrayed him, put out his Head, all hung with Cobwebs, and said, There's one underneath the Bed knows as much as I: Whereupon, the other crept out, all rolled in the Dust. She seeing now, it was in vain to deny it, fell upon her knees; and begged pardon. Which the good-natured Cuckold granted her, taking her Word for her future Honesty.   

74.  
A grave, old Country Blade coming before a Judge, and taking his Oath in a Cause, he was bid to have a care what he swore, lest he went to the Devil: I fear not that, (replied he, by way of retort,) for I have given him my eldest Son, and he ought to be contented with one out of a Family. How's that, (says the Judge,) pray explain yourself. Why truly, I have made him a Lawye, and you know the Devil was a Lawyer from the beginning. A Liar you mean, (said the other.) I know not (replied he) what distinction there may be made in London, but I'm sure, by sad Experience, we in the Country know no difference between a Lawyer and a Lyar.   

75.  
A Frenchmen coming to plead at the Bar, in a Cause, and speaking broken English, came at last to citing of Cases: Now, my Lord (said he) having gone thus far, I'll shit you some Cases to prove it. Then I shit you the First Case; now I shit you a Second: Having cited these two, Now (said he) I will shit you a Turd. Then said the Judge, joakingly, I hope you will have the manners to withdraw, and not do it openly in the Court, before all this Company, especially in hot Weathor. This non-plused Monsieur, and put him beside his Cases, whilst the People found matter for laughter.   

76.  
An old Blade with a great Beard, standing near a Carr-Horse, the Horse taking his Beard for a bottle of Hay, cried Whehee, and snapped at it; which made the old Man give such a leap back, that he stumbled and fell in the Kennel: when getting up, he fell to cudgelling the Horse, and in a great rage, cried out, You plaguy Toad, who made you a Barber, that you must attempt to shave me, with a pox t'ye?   

77.  
A Waterman having taken divers into his Boat, and they not sitting in equal balance, cried, as is usual, Pray, Gentlemen, trim the Boat. Whereat, a Barber being one in company, started up and cried, You Whore's-bird! How came you to know that I am a Barber?   

78.  
A humour some Fop taking pleasure to be laughed at, thinking, upon that account, that his Discourse was very pleasing: A brisk Lady told him, Truly, Sir, you have a tickling Fancy; and rather that want being the subject of Diversion you will court your own Shadow to flout ye.   

79.  
A Sailor having been a three-years Voyage, his Wife came to welcome him home, with a Kinchin of about half a year old in her arms: At the fight of which he grew crusty, saying, He thought she had been an honester Woman, than to have served him such a trick? Why (Replied she) did you force me to do it, by staying longer that your Promise? I could not help that, (said he.) Nor could I this, (said she:) For one night leaving my Chamber-door open, between sleep and ' wake, I found myself boarded a-stern, and thought it had been thee, my Dear, that came stealing in to surprise me; but being more vigorously attacked than usual, I something doubted, and said softly to myself, I pray God it be John! Well (said he) if it happened against thy Will, I freely forgive thee: come, let's kiss and be Friends; but be sure to be more cautious how you leave your Door open another time, for this is a slippery world we live in, I must tell you that.   

80.  
A French man coming to a house, had a Dish dressed after the  Mode; but some Spice being wanting, he called, in the absence of the Mistress, to a Country Wench, that was newly come thither as a Servant, to take the Dish, and put some Pice in it, (that being the French pronunciation, in broken English, for Spice.) The Wench imagining he bid her piss in it, set her floodgate open, and piced it to the purpose, and so returned it. But he seeing no Spice, still called for some, not minding any thing else. When the Mistress coming in, said, How now, why don't you give the gentleman what he asks for? Indeed, Madam, said she, I have; for I pissed as much as I could, and he is so unreasonable, as not to be contented with it   

81.  
A young Widow having buried an old Husband, pretends so great a love to his Memory, that she had his Image carved, and laid by her Side every Night; which she kissed and embraced, vowing perperual Widowhood. But her Maid thinking this but Hypocrisy, bribed by a 〈◊〉 young Gallant, suffered him to 〈…〉 place of the Image, as a more 〈…〉 fellow for a brisk Woman: 〈…〉 him unwittingly the 〈…〉 but e'er Morning, ●…o far 〈…〉 him: but the 〈…〉 want of Billets to 〈…〉 said, Burn old Simon, 〈…〉, (so she called the Image, 〈…〉 Husband's Name,) for now I have done with him, and got a better Bed-fellow.   

82.  
A Widow returning from the burial of her Husband, all in Tears; you must know, an officious Neighbour offered her his Service, to hand her home; which she accepted, and by the way, began a needless Oration to comfort her; telling her withal, That he was a Widower, and at her devotion. Indeed Sir, said she) I thank you for your kindness, but it is too late to make such a Proffer; had you done it a day sooner, I should have accepted it, but I was married privately this Morning, as not being able to lie longer alone, for fear of Spirits.   

83.  
An old Beldame being carried before the Justice, for keeping a Bawdy house, endeavoured to deny and excuse it: How, Huswife! says the Justice, have you the impudence to deny it? I know you do keep a Bawdy-house, and I'll maintain it. At this the old Woman, mistaking his meaning, took heart, and dropping him a Curtsy, said, I thank your Worship a hundred times, I want such good Customers and Supporters as you, to recover my great decay of Trade, or I shall be ruined, as Times go. At this the Justice blushed, and the People laughed; yet, for the Conceit's sake, remitted her Punishment.   

84.  
A Country Gentleman being a Justice of Peace, having been highly offended by his Footman, resolved to have him corrected, without giving himself the trouble of doing it; and therefore writ a Letter to the Keeper of the Bride well, That he should, upon the receipt, take the Bearer of it, and give him severely the Correction of the House. This Letter he gave him to carry, and bring a speedy Answer back. Yet by the Direction, mistrusting some mischief, came to an Alehouse, where he sound alusty Tinker half drunk, and for Two Pots got him to carry it. The Bridewell-man, upon first sight, caused him to be stripped, saying, How durst you, Sirrah, abuse so worthy a Gentleman? Upon this, he denied he knew him, and told where he had the Letter. But all would not do, till he had Forty Lashes; and then being let lose, ran to find out and kill the Fellow that had put the trick upon him: But Peell-garlick, upon notice, was rubbed off; and telling his Master how he had tricked the Tinker, obtained his Pardon.   

85.  
A Fellow, comically disposed, having gotten a great many Horns in a Basket, cried, New Furniture, Rare Furniture. Whereupon, a grave Citizen admiring what it should be, desired to see it; and thereupon said, Why, you coxcombly Fool, think you any one is so mad, to buy such Ware? Yes, marry, I do, replied he; for though you are furnished, there are many, as wise as yourself, that may have occasion for them.   

86.  
A Fellow running along the street, half out of breath, crying, Fire! Fire! Nay, said the People, you had better cry Water, for it seems there is too much Fire already.   

87.  
A Man having bought a pair of Bucks-Horns, his Wife asked him, what he meant to do with them? Oh, says he, hang my Hat on them. And why upon Horns. Husband? you might have done that, and have kept it upon your Head.   

88  
A Bailiff clapping a Man on the Shoulder, said, I Arrest you, Sir, for a Horse, (meaning, for the Money he owed for a Horse.) Why, replied the Defendant, thou errand Coxcomb, thou art not, certainly, such a Fool as thou makest thyself? Pray look upon me again: What likeness can you see, that you should be so blockheaded, as to take me for a Horse? Then tripping up his heels, said, However, I'll show you a Horse-trick; and after giving him two or three kicks, left him in the Kennel, and so marched off.   

89.  
At a French University, they admit the Degree of Doclor to be taken, in lieu of a Sum of Money to supply certain Colleges, without conside4ing their Learning and Abilities. One of which thinking to punn upon the place, said, merrily, that since he was made a Doctor, he was willing his Horse might ●…e commenced too, that being far from great Towns, where many times he ●…net with Patients, he need not, having ●…is Horse with him, be at the trouble to send for another Physician, upon any thing that required a Consult. That may be done, said the Prolocuter; for it is no such difficulty for us who have made an Ass a Doctor, to make an Horse one likewise.   

90.  
A brisk Widow having an Inn, bearing the Sign of the Maidenhead, left her as a Dowry; but there being a dofective Title, she was Ejected: wherefore, in a pitiful Tone, she said, Now I find there's Law, even against keeping of Maidenheads, for I have lost this Maidenhead by Law. Says one to her, Prithee, tell me, Did you take so on, when you lost your other Maidenhead? No, indeed, said she, I had rather have ●…ost that twenty times over; for the Fruits of that Maidenhead I can show still, but this is gone from me for ever.   

91.  
A Man being to get Goffips for the Christening of his Wife's Child, told her, He had pitched upon such a One. who, by the Neighbours, was thought to be more than ordinarily familiar with her. At which, lifting up her Hands, she cried out, O the Father! that you should think of him!   

92.  
A Gentleman of Wales, seeing one with a large Pomkin in his hand, said, Was beseech her, tell her what has her got there? Why, a mere's Egg, you Fool you, (replied the other.) And was her get a Colt out of it, was think her? Yes, (replied the other) Than her was want one, if her will sell her one? Yes, (said the other.) Then, Cot, Cot, burr will give her a Groat for it? Content, (said the other.) So the Money was laid down, and Pomkin delivered, and the Welshman trudged up a Hill with it ●… but the Stalk breaking, it fell; and rolling down, struck against a Bush, out of which started a Hare; which the Cambrio. Britain seeing, and thinking his mere's Egg had brought forth, run after her, crying, Stop her Colt, stop burr Colt; but Puss not minding his Clamour, kept on her way, and the Pomkin rolling into the Thicket, lay undiscovered; so that to his great fretting and disappointment, he went home discontented without either, to tell the strange Adventure.   

93.  
A Physician having sent for a Farrier, ●…o blood and drench his Horse, and offering him Money; No, says the Farrier, we are Brothers in our Practice, and must take no Fees of one another, only my desire is, That when I have occasion for you, you would deal as sincerely by me, as I have done by your Horse.   

94.  
A young Gentlewoman, of great Fortune, being Married, and the first and second Year, no Child in likelihood, ●…er Mother made strict Inquiry, where the Defect lay; and upon her discovery, after many blush, and hesitations, that it was in the Husband, she prevailed 〈◊〉 her to sue out a Divorce: And the young Lady coming to show he●… Reasons, des●…ed, for Modesty's sake, she might wri●…e them, which was allowed; and at●…empting it, being told there was no Ink in her Pen, Why truly, said she, that is my Cast, and you have saved me the Labour, by finding out what I designed to write.   

95.  
A drunken Tinker, having told, in a dograding way, That he had ofter worked at such a Gentleman's House but that he kept such a penurious watch over his Servants, they durst not give him a d●…aught of Drink. The Gentle●… man being displeased at this, ordered 〈◊〉 Butt of Stout, that stood an end, t●… have the upper Head taken out, and Enquiry to be made for this smutty Meta●… monger, to come and mend some Coppers; and being found, accordingly 〈◊〉 came: when being lead into the Cellar, Two lusty Fellows stripped him, an●… set 〈…〉 the Liquor up to the Chin; then came the Gentleman with his drawb 〈…〉 as if in an angry mo●…d, 〈…〉 you have thus disgraced 〈…〉 Butt, or off goes your ●…ead the 〈…〉 gegged his ●…ardon, 〈…〉 do) for seeing you 〈…〉 have at you; then 〈…〉 over the Top of the 〈…〉 the Tinker, to ●…void the 〈…〉 and having often compelled 〈…〉 till almost drowned in the 〈…〉 he bid him beware how he complaited for Liquor at his House another time. Nay, truly Sir, said he. I never will; for now I have had too much.   

96.  
A young Gentlewoman having newly buried, her Husband, who left her a considerable Estate, the Cobbler of the 〈…〉 on this, resolving to try his 〈◊〉, put on his Roast-meat , and desired to speak with her about Business, that nearly concerned her Person; and with some difficulty, being admitted, said, Madam, understanding you are a Widow, and I a widower, I come to offer my Service to you: For what? said she, Why, in good troth replied he) to make you a Husband. Away filthy Fellow! said she, get you gone, or I shall call up my Servants to kick you down Stairs for your Impudence. Nay Madam, replied he, be not Angry, for I could but ask you, and if you won't, another will.   

97.  
Some married Persons going by the place, where the Royal Oak Lottery was kept, a Motion was made, to go in and try their Luck: says one, None but Cuckolds have any at Gaming; says his Wife, However, Husband try, for I am confident you cannot miss of a good Chance.   

98.  
A soft headed Gentleman, 〈…〉 Estate, having his Child put to Nurse by the order of his Wife, in his Absence, would needs go to see how i●… throve; and finding the Nurse to be a married Woman, grew out of humour, and said, It was sit a Virgin, Chambermaid Nurses, and not Married Nurses, should have the suckling of gentlemen's Children; for they consequently have the best Milk: giving his Reason, That Virgin-Milk must be as pure as Virgin-Honey, or Pullet's Eggs: And such a one he would provide. Alas, Sir, said she, there are none such to be sound amongst us simple People in the Country; but if you go to the Intelligence Offices in London, you may have a Wet-Chamber-Maid recommended to you, but I hardly believe you will find a Virgin there that gives suck.   

99  
A Gentleman who had a monstrous great Nose, coming often to Dine at a Nobleman's who kept a Fool, the Fool would 〈…〉 staring and fleering at 〈…〉, See there! See there! 〈…〉 Nose that Man has! Which sometimes occasioned laughter in the Company, but made the Owner of the Nose fret, though he could not tell how to help himself. His Business lying frequently here, one day met the Fool privately, and told him, He would give him Sixpence, if he'd promise to twit him with his great Nose no more. The Fool promised he would be his Friend in it, and so they parted. But the Gentleman sitting at Dinner, when time came, as usual, in comes the Fool, and thinking to do the Gentleman a Courtene, by retracting what he had said, cried out, That Man has no Nose at all! No Nose at all! No Nose at all! and so he continued bawling; which occasioned more laughter than before.   

100  
These sort of Fools are sometime very malicious, and bloodily revengeful, for any Aff●…onts they receive: A●… a poor Fellow, a Carpenter, once sadly experienced, who having angered a Nobleman's Fool, by throwing Water i●… his Face, he kept his Resentments' t●… himself, but watched an Opportunity. The Man not thinking any harm, a●…ter Dinnor, it being haet Wether, la●… at his length, upon a Log, a-sleep, wit●… his Axe by him; with which the Foo●… being a sturdy Fellow, with one strong blow struck off his Head, and hide it in the Saw dust: Then running in a doors, he fell into a fit of laughter, till he driveled again: And being asked why he did so? Oh! said he, the bravest funn that ever you heard of. What is that, Jack, said one of the Servants? Why, replied he, I laugh to think, when the Carpenter wakes, how like a Fool he'll look without his Head, and lose his Afternoon's work, to find it out where I have hid it.   

101.  
A Country Fellow, ditching by the wayside, happened, as some Persons were riding along, to see a Hundred Pound Bag drop out of a Portmanteau; which he carefully took up and carried to his Wife, without opening. She knowing him to be a soft-headed Fellow, and fearing he would discover it, threw it aside, saying, What d'ye bring this Pudding bag of Dirt to me for? you might have as well have stopped a gap with it. Truly, Sweetheart, says he, I found it, and thought it might have been worth something; but if it bened, it is but my labour lost. Come, Come, says she, you are simple, and must go to School, to learn to Read and Writ, and then you may get into a better Employment. Even what you will, Sweetheart, said he; and so the old Blade was sent to learn his Hornbook; till by the children's laughing at him, he grew weary of it, and returned to his former Business. The Parties who had lost the Money, upon their return from London, enquired all along the Road, if any such Bag was taken up; and remembering they had seen this Man at work, asked him. Who answered, Yes; and his Wise had it at home. So home they went with him: But the woman stiffly denied it, saying, He was foolish and phrensical, and sometimes talked idly, and therefore they ought not to give credit to what he said. But they insisting on it, she desired them to ask him when it was that he sound it? Why, replied he among all the days of the year, I very well remember, it was the day before I first went to School. At this they fell a laughing, and thinking indeed he was crack-brained, departed, satisfied with what the Woman had told them.   

102.  
A Usurer having lost an Hundred Pounds, put out Ten pounds' Reward for any that should bring it him. A tender-conscienced Man finding it, brought it to him, demanding the T●● Pounds. Then, to baffle him, he alleged, there was a Hundred and Ten Pounds in the Bag, when lost; but up on breaking-open the Seal, there appeared no more than an Hundred. The Man Arrested him for his Promise; and it coming to be Tried before a Judge of Nisi Prius, it appearing the Seal had not been broken-open, nor the Bag ripped, says the Judge to the Defendant, The Bag you lost had a Hundred and Ten Pounds in it, you say? Yes, My Lord, said he. Then, replied the Judge, according to the Evidence given in Court, this cannot be your Money, for here was but a Hundred Pounds; therefore the Plaintiff must keep it till the true Owner comes, and you must look for your Hundred and Ten Pounds where you can find it.   

103.  
A weighty Cause coming before a corrupt Judge, he took Bribes on both Sides: One gave him a Coach, and the other a pair of fine Horses; so that he that gave the Horses, had the Cause: Oh, Coach! then said the other, thou art gone the wrong way! Said the Defendant, How could you expect otherwise? for you might well think, where my Horses draw, your Coach must follow.   

104.  
A foolish Aft●…ologer being Jealous of his Wise, not without reason, resolved to try, by his Art, whether he was a Cuckold, or no. Of which her Gallant hearing, sent him these Lines: 
Stargazing Fool! thou from the Signs wouldst see,  
And Planets Face, what thy Wife's Deal be!  
She does her Work below, where ne'er Sun pries;  
And though she's light, she mounts not to the Skies;  
'Cause she's kept down by me. If in the Sphere,  
Thou Venus see, thou think●…st thy Wise is there:  
Or if the Bull, or Aries, thou dost see,  
Thou thinkest they point their Horns direck at thee.  
Fool! keep at home, while thou abroad dost go,  
In Imitation, thy Wife's Legs do so:  
And when thou gazest in the Skies, to know  
Her Works, she does even what she please below.    

105.  
A Gentleman whose Mistress, with Vows and Protestations, had affured him a lasting Love and Constancy: yet finding, through her Dissimulation, that she was fickle and wavering; to show the little Credit he gave to her Protestations, wrote these Lines: 
My Mistress saith, She'll marry none but me,  
Tho' Jove himself should force her unto it:  
But women's Words unto their Lovers, be  
So firm, they may in Wind or Waves be writ.    

106.  
Two Fellows reeling, drunk, fell into a Gravel-Pit; and imagining they fell into the Trap-door of a Cellar, one cried, Ho! Jack! where are you? Why, said he, I am searching about to find the Taps, that I may let all the Drink out. That's well done, says t'other; and I am clambering up, to pull down the Sign: We'll teach 'em to leave their Cellardoor open, at this time of Night, to catch Travellers.   

107.  
A Country 'Squire coming up to Town, and being at a Tavern among his Acquaintance, and complained he had had his Pocket picked in a Crowd, as he came along. Says the Country Blade, I defy any one to pick mine; for I always carry my Hands in 'em. I'll wager a Guinea, to be spent, says another, that you shall not go to Smithfield-Rounds, but you shall lose your Wager. Done, said he. And so, while they drunk about, the Party sent for Two notable Proficients in the Mystery of Diving and Sharping, gave 'em a sight of our Country 'Squire, told them the way he was to go, and that he purposed to carry in his Mouth a Broad-Piece of Gold, marked with a (W.) This will be hard to get: however, said they, we'll try our Skill: and so being promised a Crown, and Indemp●●y, they watched hi●… setting out and followed him. Coming to the 〈◊〉, while he flood looking about 〈◊〉 one of them pulled out a Handker●●●●● and, as by chan●… scattered some 〈◊〉 and Farthings: Thereupon, crying 〈…〉 undone, if they stood not by him to prevent a Scramble! Our Countryman, among the rest, was busy, and picked up some; which he gave him Then his Comrade asked him if he had all? No indeed, said he, I want a Broad-piece of Gold, that I highly prise, because it was given me by my Grandmother, upon her Death bead. Why, said the other, I saw this Countryman put it into his Mouth. Then said he, if it be mine, it is marked with a (W.) The Country 'Squire denied not that he had such a Piece, but said it was his own: however, the Rabble gathering about him, and crying out, Knock him on the Head, for a Rogue! he was forced to deliver it. So away the two Sharpers went, and delivered it to the Party that had set them at work; who gave them the promised Reward. At last, in came our country Blade very melancholy, owned his Wager lost, and said, He feared, if he stayed long in London, he should have his Teeth stole out of his Head, at this rate: therefore he would down into the Country again, where there was no Cheating but among Great Men and Jockeys at Horseraces, and Ladies at Cards.   

108.  
One having lost a Watch, and coming into the Company of an arch Poet, upon telling his lamentable Disaster, One desired a Verse or two to be made on it, as a Memento to others: Which run thus: 
All you that Watches have, this do,  
Pocket your Watch, and watch your Pocket too.    

109.  
One following a Gentlewoman, and passing her, turned back to look in her Face, and said, Madam, you are exceeding Handsome. I wish, Sir, said she, without wronging my Judgement, I could return you the like Compliment. A Pox take your Scruples! replied he; Why can't you tell a Lie for me, as well as I have told one for you?   

110.  
A Gentlewoman desiring to know of a Physician, Whether the Milk of a Cow might not do as well as Ass' Milk, so much cried up, upon that account? Truly, said he, every thing ought to have Milk of its Kind; my Patients ought to have Affes Milk: but if any other Doctor has Calves to his Patients, Cow's Milk is proper.   

111.  
A noted Bawd being sent to Bridewell, for occasioning the debauchery of a young Gentlewoman, by enticing her to the lascivious Embraces of a Spark, for a Sum of Money, she fell sick and died there, leaving much Wealth behind her, ordering, by her Last Will, Five Guinea's for a Funeral Sermon; in the Conclusion of which, the Minister was to give her a good Character. But not knowing what to say of her who had lead so lewd a Life, lest he should be bantered upon, as one of her Customers, he got a Stranger to Preach: Who, after 〈◊〉 said, It is, I doubt not, expected, but that I should say something in behalf of the Party deceased: All that can be said, is, She was Born well, Brought-up well, Lived well, and Died well: being born at shadwell, brought-up at Camberwell, living a Housekeeper at Clerkenwell; and, lastly, my Beloved, dying in Bridewell.   

112.  
An ignorant Country Lad being cited, among the rest of the Parish-childrens, upon a Visitation, to be Catechised; after some othee had answered, the Commandments came to his turn to repeat: And being asked, how many there were? he stood gaping, as if he had heard Dutch spoken. What! said the Minister, Can a Fellow of your Age be ignorant of this Question? I though you had known them, and kept them too? No indeed, replied be, very seriously, I never kept any thing in my life, but my Father's Sheep.   

113.  
A Country Woman having sent her Son with a Basket of Meddlers, to a Lady that was her Landlady; he, though very clownish, thought, however, to bestow a Compliment upon so fine a Woman, at the delivery, said, Forsooth, my Mother has sent you a whole Peck of Opens; but let me tell you, by the way, if you don't keep them till they are as rotten as a Turd, they will not be worth a Fart. The Lady smiling at his Manners, gave him a Shilling. Soon after, the Mother came with her Rent; and being sat at Dinner, the Lady was telling her what a pretty Boy she had, but withal, very Clownish, and told her likewise what he had said. Was he so Unmannerly, notwithstanding the good Breeding I have bestowed on myself, (says the Woman, starting up in a Rage,) Ne'er stir! Madam, if I don't go home and whip the Rascal till he beshits himself again! This turned some squeamish Stomaches; but the Lady smiling at it, said, No, No, you shall not beat him; for I see he was no better taught.   

114.  
A Lady having cast a Person at Law, who contended with her for great a part of her Estate, in Joy for her Success, invited her Tenants to a splendid Dinner; and telling them the cause of it, said, You see, my honest Neighbours, my Right has, at last, taken place, and my Adversary is frustrated of his unjust Expectations. Upon this, up starts a blunt Country, and thinking to pass a Compliment, said, Madam, i always thought he took the wrong Sow by the Ear, when he meddled with your Ladyship.   

115.  
Some Gentlemen coming into an Inn, in London, in cold Wether, and perceiving the Carriers and Porters had wedged in the Fire, that they could not come at it; One winked at the Ostler, and bid him fetch Half of Peck of Oysters, and give them to his Horse. At this some stared, and others laughed. Why, Good Fellows, said he, if you knew what kind of Horse mine it, you would not think it strange; for he's a Sea-Horse, and only feeds upon Shellfish. At this they all start up, and run to see him, as some strange Wonder; whilst the Gentlemen and his Companions possessed their warm Places, and left them in the Cold, to fret at their folly, in being so dexterously out-witted.   

116.  
A Man that had married a bitter scolding Wife, that worried him almost out of his Life, being frighted one Evening, as he was coming home, by a Phantom, or Spirit, which, as it drew nigher, put him into a sweeting and trembling Condition, Oh! said he, if thou art a Good Spirit, thou wilt do poor Mortals not Injury; but if thou art a Bad One, and belongest to the Devil, there is all the reason in the world thou shouldst spare me, because I am so nearly related to thy Master, as having but newly married his Sister.   

117.  
A Fellow suspecting himself to be a Cuckold, resolved, by a Stratagem, to get Confession of it from his Wife; and thereupon getting a great many Coc●…s Spurs, with some Glue, demanded the Question? But she denied it. Well, said he, for all this, I know I am so; and I have been with a Cunning-Man about it, and he has found out, that you have played false with me once, and see here thereupon a Horn risen on my Forehead; and he tells me, next time I come. he will raise as many Horns, by his Art, to upbraid you, as the times you have been false to my Bed. O dear Husband! said she, don't go to him no more, lest you become a Monster all over.   

118.  
An old Woman, of Fourscore, having married a lusty Fellow of Five and twenty; and he using her scurvily, which made her crawl to a Justice's, to make her Complaint, and get a Warrant, in order to Bind him over to his Good-behaviour: Where she was reproved, for being so foolish to marry in her Old Age, when she ought to have minded better things, as having one Foot in the Grave. What! replied she, very angrily, would you have me turn Whore?   

119.  
A Fellow having Indicted a Butcher of Picadilly, at the Old-Baily, for stealing his Sow, produced the Sow's Head, which was found in his Powdering-Tub, as an Evidence of the Fact. Says the Court, did you show this to any body, as soon as you found it? Yes, (says the Fellow, mistaking by speaking too eagerly, I carried the Justice's Head before the Sow, and there the Prisoner confessed the Fact.   

120.  
A Country Fellow driving a Team, and the Fore-horse being very sat, the rest lean, two Lawyers overtaking him, one said to the other, let us joak upon this Fellow? A Match (said the other.) Good Fellow, says the former, what is the reason that your Fore-Horse is so plum, and full of flesh, and all the rest are of Pharaoh's lean Kine? O, Sir. says he, he is the Lawyer, and the rest are the Clients.   

121.  
A Welshman having sold a great Estate in the Mountains, and in the Valleys, came up to London with a full Purse; and seeing a Gentleman give Five Pounds for a Hawk, cheapened and bought one at the same price, and immediately rung off his Neck. And being asked the Reason for so doing? He replied, Plut, was let burr Englishmen know her was a Gentleman of Wales, and could afford to eat as good a Bird as the best of 'em all.   

122.  
A Spark that lodged in a House where there was a brisk Landlady, whose Husband was none of the ablest in Performance; he coming into her Chamber, one day, in the absence of the Goodman, said, He hoped she would be kind to him? Why, when, said she, was I ever otherwise? Ay, but I mean, said he, in another manner? Why, truly, this is the first time you ever asked me, and I should be uncivil, to refuse your first Request. This coming briskness dashed the Gallant out of countenance, and made him willing to be off again, as at that time not well provided; and thinking, by this means to do it, said, Madam, One thing I'll bar. What's that? said she. Why, replied he, That you shall not cry-out? Puh! replied she, trouble not yourself about that; but if you bar any thing, bar the Door, to prevent a Surprise.   

123.  
A Country Girl, newly come to a London-Service, looking over the Shoulders of some that were at Cards; a Man that was hemmed in, said, Prithee, Sweetheart, go into the Yard and make. Water for me, for I can't get out. To which the harmless Wench simply replied, Truly, Sir I can't do it now; for I just made Water in the Back-Room: but when I have a Need again, I'll do't for you, with all my heart.   

124.  
A lusty Country Lass, gathering Apples, venturing too far, and overreaching herself, slipped her Hold, and dropped with her Legs between the Forks of a Bough; which stripped up her , that she hung naked to the navel, kicking and sprawling, and crying out for Help. A Fellow that was Thrashing, ran immediately to relieve her, setting the Ladder to that Bough: But as he was going up, what through fear, shame, and struggling to unloose herself, her Floodgate burst open, whilst she cried out, Don't look, Harry! Don't look, Harry! Zuz' and fut '! Look! quo'thee? Why, thou hast so blinded me with Urine, that I can hardly find my way to thee.   

125.  
A Miller having a good quantity of Corn come to be Ground, in his absence; when he came home, with his Dish in his Hand, demanded, who had taken Toll? That have I, said the Wife: And I, said the Boy: And I, said the Maid. Well, said he, I shall believe ne'er a Rogue nor Whore of you all: for this is such a Lying Age, that a Man ought not to believe any thing but what he sees which his own Eyes; therefore, to be upon sure grounds, I'll take it myself.   

126.  
A Man and a Woman, after hot Words, falling, together by the Ears in the Street, a great Crowd was gathered about them: Among the rest, an Old Woman crowded in, to know what was the occasion of that Tumult? and desir'd a man that stood by her, to inform her how it began? You're a Whore! says he: And you're a Rogue, replied she, to call me Whore. Why, even so, Mother, said he, the Quarrel began.   

127.  
Two Women falling out in Kent-street, after many hard Words had passed on both Sides, says one, You had not only a Great-Belly when you was Married, but have made your Husband a Cuckold divers times since. The Man, who was a Tailor, and at work in a Garret cross the way, hearing this, could hold no longer, but put his Head out of the Window; and calling aloud. What's that she says, Sweetheart? Why, my Dear, replied his Wife, she says you're a Cuckold. Does she so, said he? Had she called me Ass, or Puppy, or any such sociable Creature, I could have borne it; but this Reflection is insufferable: therefore, Come up presently; carry my best Cloak to the Broaker's, and pawn it for Ten Groats; I'll have a Warrant for her, and ruin her, whatever betides me.   

128.  
A Journeyman and the Man of the House's Sister being very intimate, had often private Conversation when the rest were a bed; and one Night, among other gamesome Frolics, a large Smock hanging upon the Line by the Fire, the Man handling it, said, Whose Shift is this, Mrs. Sarah? Why, 'tis mine, replied she. Indeed, said he, you are very extravagant; half the Holland would have served. No indeed, replied she, it would not; for it is never a whit to wide, as the Fashion is now. Why, said he, I'll wager you a Treat of Ten Shilling, it is big enough for us both, if our  were off? Done! said she; and immediately they stripped. (it not being the first time they had been so, upon other Occasions;) but forcibly thrusting their Arms straight in the Sleeves, (tho' the Wager was yielded,) they could not get them out again, but resolved to tear one of the Sleeves upon a Tenter-hook belonging to the Shelf where the Pewter stood: in order to which, they got upon a Joynt-stool, and having fastened the Linen, jumped down, and pulled after them the Shelf, and all the Pewter. This unlucky Accident very much furprized 'em; and no less the Master, and the rest of the Family, who imagining there were Thiefs in the House, armed themselves accordingly with Spits, Forks, Tongues, and such like Weapons; the Master, as Captain, marching in the Front, saying to the others, Come, Boys, be of good Courage, you know the old Saying, One honest Man is stouter than Ten Thiefs; Come on, I say; for I question not but we shall quickly oblige them to yield, when one they perceive our Courage and Resolution. Thus marching down the Stairs, as resolute as an Army of Soldiers at the besieging of a City, upon the Promise of Free-Plunder, they searched first in one Room, then in another, still meeting with nothing that might oppose them; but at length, coming into the Room where the Pewter was wont to stand, instead of taking the Game they hunted for, they were more surprised than before, at the sight of this unexpected and seemingly monstrous Object, not knowing what to make on't, considering they had unluckily put out the Candle in their striving to get out of the Smock, but only they might discern something all white, with Two Heads, and Four Legs moving upon the floor, by the small light which the Fire gave them: This struck such a Terror upon them all, that none of 'em durst attempt to approach nigh it. All this while our entangled Couple lay struggling, and sweeting on the ground, not daring, through fear and shame, to make themselves known to their affrighted Beholders: Till the Master of the House, being more courageous than the rest, boldly resolved to discover what it was; and coming towards 'em, was about to stick the Spit which he had in his Hand through the Body of this supposed Monster; but the Woman perceiving the up-lifting of his Hand, skreamed out, saying, Oh, Brother! Mercy! Mercy, for heavens sake1 it is I, it is I, your distressed Sister, and unfortunate Journeyman, Richard, who innocently sporting together, have most unhappily twined ourselves in this manner; out of which it is impossible for us to get free, without some Assistance from your helping hand therefore, I beseech you, as a tender Brother, have some Compassion for your miserable Sister, and her unhappy Companion, in the Condition we are now in, and our urmost Endeavours shall be, for the future, to retaliate your Kindness in the highest manner we shall ever be capable of performing; (the Fellow groaning and sighing all the while, not speaking one word for himself, but expecting to be sent immediately into the other World, for the Affront put upon his Master, in being so over-familiar with his Sister.) Her Brother starting, to hear his Sister's Voice, fancied himself to have been in a Dream, by reason he perceived some small familiarity betwixt them at other times: But her repeated Importunities and Crying out, soon convinced him of the Reality of what he before but barely imagined. And considering withal, what an Odium their Family would undergo, first turned his Sister upon the Man, resolving at once to pin them both to the ground with his Spit; and was just ready to pierce it through their Bodies, had not another of the Family, who perceived now the worst of the Danger, fortunately stepped in, and stopping his Hand, prevented the fatal stroke, and interceded for their Pardon. The Brother, at first, could not easily be appeased; but his Passion abating, and considering, the best way would be, to keep it as private as they could from the Ears of their Neighbours, he promised to unloose them; but with this proviso, That they should tie themselves faster by a Matrimonial Conjunction, and by that means prevent the Scandal which unavoidably would be brought upon their Family. To this they very joyful consented; and lovingly Kissing as they lay on the ground, swore Constancy and Fidelity to each other, and in a few days after were married accordingly, and lived very happily together for many years, but vowed never to get both at once into the Smock again.   

129.  
A Gentleman coming along the Road, and seeing a blind Man carrying a Cripple on his Back, and being Poetically given, thus descanted on them: 
How happily Fate hath together joined  
Two feeble Men! one Lame, the other Blind!  
The Blind Man hears the Lame, the Lame supplies,  
By his Direction, tother's want of Eyes.  
See What the urging power of Need can do!  
It makes the Blind to see, the Lame to go.    

130.  
A company of pretended Cripples, with counterfeit Sores, false Legs and Arms, sitting begging at the bottom of a Hill where a Country Fair was kept; a mad Fellow, to try an Experiment, crying, Have among you, Blind Harpers! rolled down a Garden Rowling-stone, directly aimed at them. But they foreseeing the danger, cut the Strings that tied up their true Legs, and fell to scampering, as nimbly as Boys of sixteen.   

131.  
A Gentleman seeing a Fellow a Losing himself underneath a Hedge, in a miserable tattered Condition; Friend, says he, How come you to be in this poor Equipage, seeing you have such abundance of live Cattle to dispose of? Alas! Sir, replied he, that is my misfortune: for although I have a large Stock, I'm forced to keep it in my own Hands, for want of a Chapman; and shall be constrained to do so still, unless your Worship will be pleased to take them off, at reasonable Rates.   

132.  
A merry Poet having married a shrewd Wife, soon repent his Bargain, and complained; and thus fabled: 
The Country People once a Wolf did take,  
Which of their Sheep and Lambs did havoc make:  
To many Deaths to Judge him they began,  
Till starting up, a newly married Man  
Lay by: said be, Your Fire, Sword, Guns and Whips,  
These are light Torture; I have one outstrips  
All those: If you would punish him toth' Life,  
Fit for his Crimes, Then let him wed a Wife.    

133.  
A Country Gentleman have married a rich Citizen's Daughter, she carried down a large Monkey with her: which being chained at the Parlour-door, an Old Woman who was his Tenant, coming to speak with him, took it for his Page, and making a reverend Curtsy, said, Pray, young Gentleman, Is your Master within? At which Pugg grinned and chattered. Why truly, said she, this is very uncivil, to flout at a Woman that is old enough to be your Mother.   

134.  
A Welshman coming to London, and seeing a Jackanapes sitting behind the Counter, in a Shop, went in, putting off his Hat, and desired her to give her a Groat and Eight Tokens for half a Shilling. The Jackanapes took the Money, and whipped it into the Chink, and then sat him down again very gravely. The Welshman making a clamour for his shange, the Master came out, and sternly demanded, Whether he came to rob his Shop, or not? No, (replied he) but her come to shange Half a Shilling. Where is it? (said the Master of the Shop.) Why (replied Shone ap Shinkin) her give it to her aged Father here, and her have put it into that Hole. The Shopkeeper laughing at this, gave him , without further Enquiry, and so dismissed him.   

135.  
A Fellow for Forgery, being adjudged to lose his Ears, and the hangman, upon search missing them, said, Thou art an errand Cheat; for thou hast not only deceived others, but even me, who am the very Hand of Justice. Why Blockhead, (said he,) Am I bound to find every Rascal Ears to cut off, ad infinitum.   

136.  
A Man and his Wife falling out, among other Reproachss, she clapping her Hands, cried, Ah, you Cuckoldly Rogue! Huswife (said he) if I am a Cuckold, how the Devil came you to know it?   

137.  
A Man riding along a Road that passed through a Cornfield, said to a Swinherd, You have a troublesome fort of Cattle to deal withal. Yes truly (said the Swinhe●…d) they are so, and know not a Letter but what I teach them. Why (said the other) do they understand Letters? I can't tell that, (again replied the Swinherd,) they understand my Instructions well enough, and one another too. Why (said the Traveller,) What says that Hog that is pressed by the other? Alas, poor Soul! (replied the Swinherd,) he bids him lie further off, and complains that he hurts his Shoulder. Why truly (said the Man) thou art the first Hog Schoolmaster I ever met with, in all the Travels of my whole Life.   

138.  
A Man commending his Wife, for the great Love she bore him, another would 〈…〉 it. Why (said he) it 〈…〉 appears in this; As soon as 〈…〉 takes a pleasure to remove into the very place where I have lain. Ay (said the other) that makes it plainly appear, that she loves your Absence better than your Company.   

139.  
A conceited Spark, who would be often thrusting himself into Lady's Companies, one day bragging of the Favour they allowed him, and that they were proud to accept of his Favours, frequently begging one thing or other of him. This, Sir, (said an arch Wag that sat by,) is very true; for I myself have heard them entreat, that you would bestow your very Absence on them.   

140.  
A Man and his Wife having agreed in bed, in a cold Night, That whoever spoke first, should arise and shut the Door, which they had accidentally left open: In the mean while, a rambling Fellow, that was shut out of his Lodging, and a little in drink, came re●…ling in; and finding a Bed, crept in, the two Parties lying all the while silent: but by and by the Husband perceiving how it was with his Wife, could hold no longer, but said, Why do you suffer this? O Husband! (replied she,) you have spoken first, therefore you must rife and shut the Door.   

141.  
A Youngster newly come from the University, who had not sown his wild Oats, being put into a small Living in the Country; long he had not been there, but a Complaint was made by a precise Non Con, That he had played at Cudgels behind the Church, on a Sunday, after Sermon. His Patron checked him highly for it, telling him, the Scandal reflected upon himself, for placing such a One in the Cure. Why, Sir, (replied he,) what would you have me do? I am placed over a Company of Blockheaded People, that forget all that I say to them, before they get out of the Churchyard; therefore seeing Words are not of force sufficient to penetrate their thick Skulls, I could consider of no better way, than to beat my Instructions into their Heads, that they might carry them home in their remembrance, and edify accordingly.   

142.  
An arch Spark being carried before a Justice who was none of the wisest, for running his Sword through a Tanner's Dog, that breaking out of the yard, assaulted him as he was walking by the Door. Sirrah! (said the Justice,) How durst you kill this honest Man's Dog? you, no doubt, have a design to rob the House. No indeed, Sir, not I; but I'll show you how it was (said he:) The Dog leapt over the Pails, and came running full at me, as I do at you, with a Bough, Wow, Wow; and hereupon the Justice, being troubled with the Gout, and sitting in a Chair, he quite overthrew him, Chair and all: Whereupon he cried out, Oh! this murdering Rogue has killed me! Make his Mittimus, and send him to Goal; I'll have him hanged, whatever comes on't. By this time he was helped up, and a little recovered; Come, Sirrah! (says he.) What is your Name? So and so (said the Gentleman, telling him what his Name was.) Why (said the Justice) that is My Lord such a one's Name. True, Sir, (replied the other,) and I am the Man. Oh! are you so? then I crave your Mercy, dear Sir, and the case is altered, (said the Justice;) and turning to the Tanner, with a very stern Countenance, Sirrah! (says he,) How durst you let your Dog lose, to fly upon such a worthy Gentleman? Come, come, I'll teach you to take more care another time; Make his Mittimus, and send him to Goal. And accordingly he had been committed, had not the Gentleman in his Generosity excused him.   

143.  
A Woman at Wapping having lost some trivial Matters, was in a great hurry for her Hood and Scarf, to go to a Woman that professed the Art of Astrology (you must needs know.) Which a Boy about Eight or Nine Years old seeing, said, Where are you running in such haste? Why (said she) to the Wise Woman. Oh, Mother! (replied the Boy,) then, good new, let me go with ye; for I never saw a Wife Woman in my life, as yet.   

144.  
A Young Gentlewoman being forced, by the rigour of her Parents, into the Arms of an Old Man, for a great Estate, and frustrated of marrying One to whom she had given her Promise; the two Lovers, however, met privately, and had sundry Enjoyments; but at last, the jealous old Blade, by the Spies he had set, entrapped them: but they were so far from being ' frighted, that they boldly justified the Action, saying, They were, in Conscience, before God, Man and Wife. This vexed the Miser to the Heart; but not daring to demand Satisfaction with his Sword, he resolved to have it by Law, and accordingly Arrested the Gentleman for a 1000 l. Damages. But upon the Trial, the Gentleman, who was well beloved, had so many friends in the Jury, that upon the return of the Verdict, they brought in only a Mark Damage for the Plaintiff. At which falling into a great rage, Well (says he) Gentlemen, this is monstrous strange, that having proved myself a Cuckold upon Record, you should give me but a Mark! and so flinging out of the Court, said, I pray God that all your Wives may mark you as shamefully as mine has done me; and may your Horns be as long as Barber's Poles.   

145.  
A conceited Fop having dressed himself very gay, and being with his Mistress, often peeped in the Glass, and careened his Wig; then strutting towards her, said, Madam, Who do you think is the prettiest Man you ever saw? (imagining she would point out himself;) but on the contrary, Truly, Sir, (said she,) the Man that is the most unlike you, of all Men living.   

146.  
Two Persons contending about Singing, a Person whom they appointed to decide the Matter pretending to have Skill, but indeed had none, giving his Verdict apprently in the wrong: the injured Gentleman said, Now, Sir, I will tell you a Story: Once upon a time, when Birds and Beasts could speak, a Cuckoo and a Nightingale contended who sung sweetest, or gave the best content to their Auditors; but not agreeing, it was put to the next Passenger to decide; which unluckily happened to be an Ass.   

147.  
Two Sharpers of the Town accidentally meeting, says one, Come, Jack, since we are so happily stumbled upon one another, let us take a Pint together? A Match, (says the other;) and so they went into a Tavern. But drinking about for a while, when they came to examine their Pockets, they found themselves deceived, one thinking the one had, and the other thinking the other had Money enough to defray the Charges, when, indeed, both of them could make but Eight Farthings. Hang it then (said the Inviter) we had as good be in for a great deal as a little, so they called lustily, till it came to a Crown; then looking out at the Window, as if they had been viewing the descent says one to the other, I have it now. Upon that, knocking, and desiring to speak with the Master, up he came: Sir, says one, we came hither about a Mathematical business, to measure from your Window to the Ground; I have laid upon 13 Foot, 9 Inches; my Friend on 13 Foot; and you are to be Judge, that I slip not this Line till he goes down to see whether from this Knot (showing it him,) which is just so much, it reaches the Ground. The Vintner was content. The other Sharper being below in the Street, cried, It did not reach by 11 Inches. Pray, Sir, says he to the Vintner. hold it here, till I step down and see; for I cannot believe him. So down he went, telling the Drawer he had paid his Master, and away they both scoured, leaving the String for his Reckoning.   

148.  
A Coffee-man of a very thick Skull, often bragging that a great Estate would fall to him before he died; for a Gipsy who had told him his Fortune, had assured him of it. A Person who had a mind to put upon him, coming in one day, as in puffing haste, said, Now, Mr. N. I come to tell you brave News: There is an Estate left you by One of your old Acquaintance. Who is that? (said he.) Nay, (said the other,) I am out of breath; Let us drink first,  I tell further? With all my heart, Sir, (said the Coffee-man;) What will you please to drink? Command it, and it shall be at your Service? Why (said the Gentlemen) I think, a quart of Mum: And down thundered Ignoramus to fetch it; when the Thoughts of this Estate employed his Faculties to that degree, that for haste, he came running up again with his Spigot in his Hand, whilst the Barrel of Mum run about the Cellar. The Gentleman minding him, could not forbear laughing: Which the other not regarding, insisted to know when he should be possessed of this great Estate he talked on? Why even (says the Gentleman) when you come to Years of Discretion, and can distinguish a Lie from an Aesop's Fable; and so lest him to be bantered by the rest of the Company.   

149.  
A grave Blade going by a House he had formerly frequented, seeing it shut-up; and a Bill to Let it, he demanded what was become of the Owner of it? Why, replied one that stood by, he is gone off, and it is seized upon for a Mortgage. Nay, said old Dry-boots, I found the House within so full of Meat and Drink, when I was there last, that I guessed it would grow queasie-stomached in a short time, and spew out its Master.   

150.  
An aged Woman being very much indisposed, One came to comfort her, and asked if he should read by her? Yes, if you please, said she. And what shall I read? said be. Why truly, replied she, what you imagine best: but now I think further on it, continued she, I think it had best be Matrimony; for that has been very sweet and comfortable to me formerly; and may yet for aught I know, give some Ease and Refreshment by the Power of Imagination.   

151.  
A Man with a great red Nose, being a Passenger on Shipboard, was mighty timorous in a Storm: and though the Ship was in danger to be cast away, the Cabbin-Boy could not forbear laughing, though he received some Bastinadoes for his unseasonable mirth. The Storm being over, the Party demanded the Reason of his Laughter? Oh! said he, to think how your Nose would have whizzed, if we had been castaway; and made the Water boil up, as you were going down to the bottom.   

152.  
A Person very misshapen, would, notwithstanding, have his Picture drawn: but being covetous withal, when it was finished, he would not pay the Price agreed on. Well, Sir, said the Limner, this is very unfair; however, I value it not a Pin, for I shall lose nothing by it, though you think you have disappointed me. Why, what will you do with it? said the Gentleman: Puh! continued be, Who d'ye think will give any such Price as I now bid you, for another Man's Picture? Oh! said the Painter, it is but altering the Property a little, and that does it. As how, pray? said the Gentleman. Why, said the Limner, 'tis but putting a Tail to it, and it will pass for an excellent Baboon, to place in a Nobleman's House of Easement. At this the Gentlemen stormed and blustered at a high rate; but for fear he should do as he said, was forced to pay him his Price, and take it himself.   

153.  
A Student that was newly married, being a Bed with his Wife, and being used, when single, to read himself asleep, called for his Book: But she having another kind of Lesson for him to read, called for her Wheel and Spindle. How! said he; What mean you by this, now 'tis late? Why truly, said she, that I may spin, whilst you reel; for none but one reeling drunk, would study, by Book, for to learn the Business we have to do to Night, since every one has it by rote.   

154.  
A Sailor that had lost one of his Arms, marrying a Female that passed for a Virgin; but pretending to be a Critic in Maidenheads, told her on the Wedding-Night, That she had put a buttered Bunn upon him. No matter, said she, it is good enough for such a one as you, who are but Part of a Man. Why, you Drab, says he, Do you jeer me for being maimed, when it was done, valiantly fight with my Enemy? And why then, said she, do you upbraid me with what I have lost, amorously embracing with my Friend? Is it not better to be in Love, than Hatred? You lost by your Enemy, and I by my Friend; there's the difference, and so let us agree it.   

155.  
A poor Fellow who had a long time gone under a Scandal among the Women, for his Insufficiency; several of them being got into a knot, chatting together, seeing him come along, some pointed at him with forked Fingers; others clapped their Hands, Ha' loo, my Dog! When in the interim, a grave Matron, something more charitable (you must know) thrusting herself into the Gang of Gossips, without knowing the meaning of this Diversion, said, Oh! Fie upon you! How can you be so hardhearted, as thus to abuse a poor Man, that does you no injury. Yes, says one, whispering to her, he has put the Cheat upon our Sex; for he has married a brisk Woman, and has got nothing to satisfy her. Oh, Rogue! replied she, has he so? Then, Ha' loo, my Cat too.   

156.  
A Cooper having a Wife that used to take too much of the Juice of Barley over night, could not keep her Vessel from leaking a-bed: For which he chastising her one morning with a Hoop-stick, divers of her Gossips came to intercede for her: some chid him, and others entreated, saying, she was the weaker Vessel. Why, Goody Prattle, said he, that's the reason I am about my work; for when she's well hooped, she will be stronger, and hold her Water the better.   

157.  
A Gentleman that used to Romance egregiously, cheapening a large Eel at a Fishmonger's Stall, and being asked Half a Crown for it; Puh! says he, I bought one at Amsterdam, as thick and as long as the May-●…olen the Strand, for that Price, my Man here can justify it. Truly said his Man, (willing to bring his Master off, because the Fishmonger thought it incredible,) I think, Sir, it was scarce so long, considering the Chimney it was roasted in, but I believe it might be as thick.   

158.  
An Apothecary having over charged his Brain at a Tavern, and no Coach to be got, he was put into a Basket, and the Porter sent home with him on his Back. Being asked by the Watch, What he had got there? replied, Only Apot. I carry.   

159.  
A Tailor being rampant in the absence of his Wife, strolling the Streets for a bit of Harlotry, cruising too near danger, fell foul of a Fireship; which firing his Main-Yard, that communicated the flame to other Parts: so that for fear of sinking into another World, he found himself constrained to be refitted at a Bottom-Menders (called a Surgeon,) who in his Bill, reckoned him such an extravagant rate, viz. 70 l. that he would not pay it without Reference: And Two of the Profession, not to lower the Value of so great a Cure, brought it in, That it was a very Reasonable Bill: So that altho' Mr. Stitch grumbled, he was obliged to pay it. But resolving to be even with him, and not to be out-lengthened in his bill, brought him in Eighty Pounds for a Suit and Cloak: Which Two Tailors judged, upon reference, to be very Reasonable. By which means he out-witted his Doctor, got his Money, the Value of the , and his Cure, for Nothing. This for the Honour of the Tailors, and the Conscience of either Calling.   

160.  
A handsome young Woman being married to a rich Man who had lost his Sight by a Blast of Powder, some blamed her for it; but an arch Wag, to vindicate her, wrote thus: 
Blame not fair Celia, that she married be,  
Tho' she be fair, to one that could not see:  
For in the thing in which she takes delight,  
And he does covet, there's no need of Sight.    

161.  
A scolding Woman being often reproved for the sharpness of her Tongue, she justified, That it was the Woman's only Weapon, the Use of which they ought not to be denied, (as I find it in a certain Female Author; viz.) 

I wonder why Dame Nature thus  
Her various Gists dispenses!  
She every Creature else beside  
With Arms and Armour fences.   

The Bull with bended Horns she arms;  
With Hoof she guards the Horse:  
The Hare can nimbly run from harms;  
All know the Lion's Force.   

The Bird can Danger fly on's Wing;  
The Fish with Finns adorns:  
The Cuckold too, that harmless thing,  
His Patience guards, and's Horns.   

The Men she Valiant makes, and Wise,  
To shun and baffle Harms:  
But to poor Woman she denies  
Armour to give, or Arms.   

Instead of all this, she does do,  
Sharp Tongues she them bestows;  
Which serve for Arms and Armour too,  
'Gainst all their powerful Foes.     

162.  
A Man having a very turbulent Wife, and she having tired him out with her Curtain-Lectures, he left the House, and placed himself upon a Chamomile-Bank in the Garden: Which she observing, and resolved on a fuller Revenge, threw the Chamber-Pot out of the Window, upon his Head. Well, said he, we must always expect a Shower after Thunder and Lightning.   

163.  
A Landlord coming one Morning to dunn a Tenant for Rent, found him standing in the Door-way, with his Eye full of Water. How now! said the Landlord; What's the matter with you? Why, replied the Tenant, the House smokes so intolerably, there's no enduring it. I can't, believe that, said the Landlord; It never used to do so. Then, pray, said the Tenant, to be better satisfied, go up and see. So up he went; and the Room being something dark, the Woman thinking it had been her Husband returned to have t'other Bout at Cudgels for the Breeches, fell to belabouring him with the Broom-stick, crying, You Rogue! I thought I had banged you sufficiently! but now I'll do't to the purpose! And so drubbing him down Stairs, he caught his Tenant by the Hand, saying, Come along! Come along! I find your words true, There is no enduring it: Let us therefore to the next Alehouse, and consult how it may be remedied.   

164.  
A Young Woman being married to a Man of Years, and having a brisk Apprentice, he perceived by the Language of her Eyes, and some other Love-Motions, that she bid him come on if he dare: Therefore, his Master being out of Town, he resolving to run the hazard, got into her Bed, and lay as snug as a Thief in a Mill, expecting her coming: and accordingly she came, undressed, and went in, not knowing of his being there; for he had hid himself over Head and Ears. But no sooner she perceived an unexpected Bed-fellow, but she started, and was about to cry-out. At which, he said, Pray, Mistress, don't be frighted; 'tis only I. You! Sirrah! you impudent Rogue! replied she; How came you here? Indeed. said he, now I consider better, coming up in the dark, I have mistake my Chamber; and hearty begging your Pardon, I'll retire. No, said she; now you are here, I command you to stay till Morning, that I may make you sensible of your Weakness; but be sure you presume not the like again, for fear I should acquaint your Master with it.   

165.  
A downright Country Fellow, Son to a Farmer, having cast his Eyes upon another Farmer's Daughter, desired his Father to speak to her Father, that he might have her to Wife: (For it is the laudable Custom, in some Countries, for the Fathers to make up the Match between their Children, over a Pot of Ale, Unsight, Unseen, as the Country Phrase is.) The Old Men agreed; and then came Dick to court his Mistress, and addressed himself to her in this Complimental manner. Well, Joan, Dost thou know what my Father said to thy Father? No indeed, Richard, not I, replied she. Law ye now! said he; What a Vool was thy Father, he did not tell thee? Why they have agreed, That you and I shall be buckled together, as Man and Wife. Alas! Richard, replied she, I believe you are but in Jest? Indeed and good troth, said he, I am in Earnest. I can't think it, said she; for I know you may have my Betters. That I know well enough, replied downright Dick; but you shall serve turn, if you will: and without any more ado, I'll take thee, for better for worse, as thy Father took thy Mother.   

166.  
A Man of a very squeamish Stomach, coming into a Cook's Shop, in Smithfield, to purchase a Dinner; but it being Bartholomew-Fair-time, and the People sweeting at the Fire, and otherwise employed, though he spoke several times, they minded him not: so that being overcome with the Steam of the Meat, and great Heat of the Fire, his Appetite went from him, and he was going out. The surly Cook, though before not at leisure, now clapped hold on his Shoulder, and charged him with Running away, and not Paying his Reckoning. The Man told him he had had nothing, but had filled his Belly with the Scent. Why, that's all one, said the Cook; a Belly-full's a Bellyful, though it be of Air; and you shall pay me for that, before you go, seeing you have troubled my Shop. The Cook insisting on this, it was agreed to be put to reference: And in the mean time, a Natural Fool coming by, it was agreed, on both Sides, that he should decide it. Let me see, Mr. Cook, said the Fool, a couple of empty Dishes? Which were brought. Now, said the Fool to the other, Let me see a Piece of Money? Which he produced. Then he put the Money between the Dishes, and gingling it about, cried, Do you hear it, Mr. Cook? Yes, replied he; but I had rather have it in my Pocket. No, replied the Fool; my Award is, That you shall be satissyed with the Gingling of the Money, as the Man was with the Scent of the Meat.   

167.  
A Person of Quality, desirous to beg a Gentleman for a Fool, thereby to get his Estate, made great Interest at Court in that Affair. But the Gentleman being to have a Hearing, before it could be allowed, said, I wonder this Nobleman should be desirous to rob me and my Posterity, under pretence, That I am a Fool! Why, grant I am an Idiot; my Father that begot me was a Wise Man: And why then may not I, who am a Fool, beget wise Children? while this Nobleman, for aught I know, as Wise as he is, may have a Fool to his Son, as well as my Father. This reasonable Answer dashed the Project; and the Nobleman had only a slap with a Fox's Tail, for his pains.   

168.  
A Fool coming to a Gentleman's House, and in the Tapestry-hanging seeing the Picture of a Fool wrought in, he very fairly takes his Knife and cuts it out, and privately hide it. Soon after, running to the Master of the House, he said. Come, Harry, give me a Bottle of Sack, for saving your Hang. How so! Jack! said the Gentleman; How have you sav'd'em? Were they on fire? No, replied he; but by cutting out the Picture of the Fool that was in them: for had my Master seen it, he would have begged them, as he did me and my Estate.   

169.  
A Person who was a great Eater and Drinker, delighting in Gluttony and Riot, courting, one day, a brisk young Widow, among other complimental Expressions, said, Madam, I love you as well as I do my own Soul: By all that's Good!— Nay, Nay, said she, interrupting him, you need not swear it; for by the course of Life you lead, it appears, you have no regard for its welfare: but if you had said, You loved me as well as you do your Body, there might have been something in that; seeing you are at so great Care and Charge, in cramming it every day.   

170.  
A Country Fellow seeing the rude Rabble a pulling down a Bawdy-house, said, Ah! What a shame is this, to be suffered! For it they be thus permitted to go on, where, in a short time, shall we find a House standing in England?   

171.  
A Quaker having sold a Man a Horse, whose Eyes, though they appeared tolerably fair, were, nevertheless, stone-blind: so the Jockey asked him, after he had paid down the Money, what Faults he had. Dost thou see any in him! says yea and Nay. No, truly, replied the Jockey, not I Then I'll affure you, said the Man of Conscience, upon the Word of a Friend, he sees none in thee. And so, with a Quibble, the Biter was bit.   

172.  
A downright Country Fellow being troubled with a Standing-Ague, which put him to pain, he went to a Quack-Doctor, and made known his Grievance to him: Who with a Cloth, and cold Water, reduced the rebellious Member to a quiet temper; for which he gave him Half a Crown. But a while after, being in the same Predicament, and going for another Application, when instead of the Doctor, he found only his Wife at home; who being informed of his Grievance, took another way to cure him, with a more proper Remedy; the newness and strangeness of which so tickled his Conceit, that he offered her a Crown; but she having received her Satisfaction before, would take no Money: so after many Scrapes and Cringes, he departed. But searce was he got a Bow-shoot from the House. e'er the Doctor, coming homeward, espied him, telling the Gentlemen in his Company what he was, and upon what account he had been at his House; and, to please them, resolved to put a Joak upon Hob-nail: And well! says he, honest Fellow! How stands it now with you? I see you have been at my House again. In good vaith! Zur, replied he, it Stands not at all with me now; for your Wife put it into a warm place, and laid it presently, and for never a Varthing. At this the Doctor blushed; and the Gentlemen laughed till their Sides ached, to find the Doctor so finely dubbed of the Forked-Order.   

173.  
A Butcher being made Mayor of a small Corporation, his Wife fancied, that by reason of this new Honour, she should be highly reverenced by her Neighbours. So coming to Church the next Sunday just as the Creed began, the People all started up, it being usual to stand when it is reading; Mistress Mayoress imagining it was done in respect to her, cried out, Well, good People, I see now, you have some good Breeding, and know how to behave yourselves before your Betters; for which you may expect my Husband's Kindness, before he goes out of his Place.   

174.  
A Country Fellow, that had never heard Cathedral Music, coming into the Choir, and there lisming a while to the Organs and the melodious Harmony of the Singing Men, cried out, as if he had been transported, Lord! must I go to Heaven presently? Let me but go home first, and take leave of my Wife and Children, and then I'll go most willingly.   

175.  
A covetous fellow having an indifferent Fortune, would often brag, how bravely he would live, if he could increase it to so much more: which, in process of time, happened according to his desire, with an Overpluss; and then he lived more niggardly than before, hardly allowing himself Necessaries for the Support of Life or Decency: When one day, passing by One's Door with whom he was at enmity, the Man standing there, said, Well, Neighbour, you grow Richer and Richer; and I pray God to send you as much morre as you have. Why that Wish from you, said he, when I know you hate me? That makes me wish so, says the other, that you may double your Covetousness, and starve yourself.   

176.  
A raw Country Wench being newly come to an Inn to live, a Gentleman ordered her to grease his Boots against Morning; which she accordingly did, and set them in a Loft where Rats were used to haunt, and several Holes were soon eat in them: which she finding, early in the Morning ran into the Gentleman's Chamber, in a great fright, crying out, Oh, Sir! the saddest and strangest News you ever heard in your whole Life! What is that? said he, (thinking no less than that half the Country had been sunk by an Earthquake.) Why, said she, the Rats have eat your Boots, Man! And is that so strange! replied he; such Chances have often happened: but if thou hadst brought me certain News, That my Boots had eaten up the Rats; that had been worth the hearing.   

177.  
A rich Miser having made a poor Man wait on him for some Money he promised him; at last began to banter him, saying, If he could persuade him to it, he should have it. Well, said the other, there is but one thing now, that I would persuade you to, and that I would do, if it was possible. And what is that? said he? Prithee, let me know it? Why truly, replied he, to persuade you to hang yourself, that the World might have one Knave the less in it.   

178.  
A brisk Lass, ask a Gallant, How it came to be a Custom, That the Men always make the first Address to the Women? That does not always hold good, replied he: but however, the reason is, Because the Men always come when they are prepared; but the Women need no time for that, for they are ready at all times.   

179.  
A Fellow being to be Hanged with others, for Robbing a House, his Wife came after him to the Gallows. At which he grew very angry, saying, Get you home Huswife, and wash your Dishes; there cannot be a Meeting in all the Country, but you must make one among them, with a Murrain t'ye!   

180.  
When Popery, of late, began to be rampant in England, some Priests being jolly at a Tavern near , were disputing which was the Highest Saint. One said, St. Dominick; another, St. Ignatius: And so not agreeing, they resolved to put it to the Drawer, when he came up with the next Bottle. Which being done; Puh! said he; Can't you tell that? Every Fool that looks upon a Sign, can tell that. Well! And which of them, say you, is the Highest? because you pretend to such Knowledge? says he who had stood up for Ignatius. Why, truly, replied the Drawer, St. George: for he rides a Horse bac●…, and all the rest go on Foot.   

181.  
A Man chiding his Younger Son, for being a Sluggard; said, His Elder Brother had the good luck to be abroad early, before the Roads were much frequented, and had found a Bag of Mony. Ay, Father, said he; but the Owner, who got up so early, and lost it, had better have been a bed, as I am.   

182.  
Two Country Fellows going along the Streets, gaping all the way at the Signs, at last they came to that of the Mermaid; which put them to a stand, what to make of it. Oh! says he, now I know what it is; It is a Lady with a Fish in her Arse. Ay! but how got it in? says the other. It may be, replied his Companion, it might be, when she washed herself last in the Sea. This being learnedly discussed, one of them stepping forward, and seeing the Sign of the Unicorn, cried, Lau ye! Here is a stranger thing! What is this called? Why, you Fool! said the other: Don't you know what that is? Why, 'tis a Horse with a Barber's Pole in his Forehead?   

183.  
An ignorant Blockhead, complaining for a great deal of Money that was Owing him; was asked, who was his Debtor? replied, By one that had been dead seven years: yet he was resolved to sue him for it, for all that; for he should not think to cheat him so. At this the hearers began to laugh, telling him, the Dead are not sensible, nor ever pay Debts; therefore it was but a folly to expect it. hay day! says he, that's very pretty, indeed! Why, by this means, when a Man has a mind to cheat all the World, it is but to die, and they may go look their Remedy.   

184.  
A Gentleman who took a great delight in , sent his Bag of Cocks, by an Irish Servant, to the Pit, where a great Match was to be fought ●…hat day, charging him to keep them ●…ose till he came. But O Donnel being ●…arly there, forgetting his Orders, resolved to have a little Sport, to pass away ●●e time, and so threw the three Cocks ●…nto the Pit; who being of the right ●…rain, fell immediately together by the ●…ars, sometimes one to one, sometimes two upon one, and sometimes all in a huddle: whilst O Donnel leapt and skipped about them, and challenging any one to wage Two new Halfpenny Half-Croon Pieshes which beat. But so mortal was the Combat, that two were killed outright, and the other mortally wounded. His Master hereupon coming, and seeing what had happened, in a great Rage, said, You confounded Dog! How came this about? By my Shalwashion, Dear Joy, if dye wots no mauk much anger, Y will tell dee, indeed: Y did pot dem down upon the plaush here, and they did fault out, as if they had never seen one another before: De'ell tauk'em, if Y did she de like in all my life now, that they should mauk such falling-out, and pot the kill upon one another, and yet be Broders, born and bred in one and the same Housh, is very strange, in good fait, metinks, truly, my Dear Joy!   

185.  
An Irish Footman coming to a Nobleman's House, desired of the Porter, that he might speak with his Lord, for he had earnest Business with him. He told him he was at Dinner, and he must wait till his Lord had Dined. But he told him again, That his Business was so Earnest, that he could not stay two Moment's. The Porter not knowing of what Concern it might be, whispered his Lord in the Ear; Who left the Table, and came out to him. Says Teague to him, Are you his Lord's Graush? Yes (said he;) What is your Business? Only, Y would pray d'ye to do me the favour, to do me the kindnesh, to tell thy Man, Patrick, when he comes home, Y would fain speak with him, about earnest business. And is this all (replied the Nobleman) that you have troubled me for? Yes, indeed, Joy, (said the other. Then (said the Nobleman) it will be requisite that I give you something in remembrance of it, and so ordered him to the Whipping-Post, where he received a Reward at the Hand of the Common Officer, suitable to the Affront put upon so Noble a Gentleman.   

186.  
A frenchman's Money falling short, he was forced to buy a Fore Quarter of Mutton with a pair of Horns on it, for his Sunday's Dinner: but it being an unusual Dish, he was non-plussed how to dress it; desiring the Butcher to give him a Receipt, how to order it. The which whilst he was doing, a Dog snatched it off the Block where he had ●…aid it; and was got a pretty way, before the People cried out, Frenchman! Frenchman! You have lost your Sheep's-Head. At which, turning about, and not finding himself capable of overtaking the Thief, says, Let him go, Let him go, like a Fool as he is; ●…or he'll be never the better for it, seeing I have the Receipt, and he knows not how to dress it.   

187.  
Another of this Country, washing a parcel of raw Tripe at a Brook, which he intended to boil for his Dinner; and having done, and laid it behind him●… whilst he was washing his Hands, ●… Dog came slily and stole it away. The●… Monsieur being angry thus to be disappointed of his Dinner, a while after seeing the Dog, resolved to catch him●… and chastise him; but the Cur shunn'●… him: Whereupon, to allure him into his Clutches, he pulled out his Bauble and shaking it, cried, Here Dog, M●… Tripe; more Tripe, Dog. But the Cur●… was too Old, to be caught with Chaff.   

188.  
A Fellow whose Name was Roac●… reeling along by a Riverside, and being lop-heavy, plunged in, and lamentable cried out for help. But his Companic●… being as drunk as he, minded him no●… till he had scrabbled out of his own a●… cord; then asked him how he fared●… Oh! (said he that had been double dipped,) You are a trusty Stick, indeed; I might have been drowned, for what care you took of me. Truly, (says the other,) I thought there was no Danger, seeing you was but in your own Element.   

189.  
A drunken Fellow, reeling home in a frosty Night, when the Moon shone, finding himself very sleepy, laid him down on a Bank that descended sloping into a shallow Ditch of Water; and with tumbling and tossing, slid with his Feet into it, and so lay snoring till People came by, and found him in that posture: they jogged him hard, for a time,  they could wake him at all; and then, between half-'wake and ' waking, he cried, Friends, Pray don't disturb my rest at this time a night, but go to your own Beds, for I can spare you no room; only lay a few more  upon the Feet, and done't put out the Candle.   

190.  
A drunken Fellow being brought before a Country Justice, and upon the Interrogatories put to him, nothing could be got out of him, but that, Your Worship's wondrous Wise. So he was committed to the Roundhouse that Night, and ordered to be brought in the Morning, when he should be sober. Then said the Justice, How now! Sirrah! How came you to so Drunk, last Night? Lay down your Ten Groats. Was I Drunk, (replied he;) indeed I know nothing of it. It may be so, (said the Justice;) you have slept since; but then nothing could be got out of you, but, Your Worship's wondrous Wise. Did I say so? (said the Fellow.) Yes, (said the Justice; here are several to witness it. It needs not, (replied the Fellow;) I'll take your Worship's Word: and if I did say so, I'm sure I was Drunk; and it is but reason, that I should pay, for putting such an Affront upon you, that you little deserve from any body's mouth; thorefore give me Twopences, and here is Three and .    

THE SECOND PART: Containing Bulls, Blunders, Banters, Quibbles, Repartees, Wheedles, and Pleasant Stories.  
With A Particular Character of a Wheedle, and the Art of Wheedling.  

1  
THree Men walking in the Fields, about the beginning of Harvest-time, cries one on a sudden, Look yonder, Tom! there's a bunch of Red Blackberries already! At which ●…e laughed, crying, It was a Bull. Why ●…o! (says the third,) Are not Blackberries Red when they are Green?   

2.  
A Country Gentleman having a greater Estate, than Stock of Understanding, being upon hard Travel, the Horses tiered, so that he was forced to put into an Inn: but not liking his Accommodations, and being withal in haste to see a Mistress he was going to be married to, the Bargain being already made by Proxy, he fell a swearing at his Coachman, for not driving on. Sir, said the Coachman, the Horses are able to go no further. Why, hang 'em then, for foundered Jades, leave 'em in the Inn, and drive on the Coach without 'em.   

3.  
Two Irishmen seeing a Great Officer in a Mazarine Blue Coat, Embroidered with Silver; says one to the other, Dat●… is very pretty Garshment; Y would pot great●… kindnesh upon any one that would be so shive●… as to put such a one upon my Bauk, just now●… Ah! (said the other,) Dear Joy, if ●… could get a Scarlet S●…oat of dat colour, how very fine should Y then be, indeed now!   

4.  
A Fellow having footed it much, till the Soles of his Shoes were about to leave the Upper-Leather, went to a Translator, and making some wry Faces, told him, He would give him three-halfe-pences, which was all the Money he had in the World. Give it me! (says S. Hugh;) I prithee, for what? Why, (replied the other,) only to do me the kindness to put two Heel-pieces on the Toes of my Shoes, to keep the Water out.   

5.  
A simple Fellow that had stole a Horse, being before a Judge, and having some odd Notions, buzzed into his Head, he prayed him to direct the Jury to find him guilty of Manslaughter, and not of Felony; for he had rather be Burnt in the Hand, than Hanged.   

6.  
A Country Fellow who had been at London, and among some small matter of Money receiving a Guinea, and never having had one before, showed it to his Country-folks, as a Rarity: Who standing with their Mouths at half-cock, much admired its lustre, ask if there were any store of them at London? Yes, in good troth, are they, replied he; for a Man can't take Forty Shillings, but he is compelled to take Seven or Eight of 'em, though he had rather have Silver.   

7.  
A Person having been at a Nobleman's House, where there was a great Feast; a Neighbour, at his return, asked him what Cheer he had there? Oh! very great store, replied he; for there was four or five Second Courses brought up and placed on the Table.   

8.  
One coming in great haste, to give notice of the Death of a Man that died suddenly; and being asked, when he died? Why truly, said he, even to Morrow Morning. Ay! said he; that's strange! And when, pray, is he to be buried? Why, Yesterday, replied he. Why, this is a strange Contradiction, and cannot be probable. In good sober sadness, says the Fellow, they told me so; I know no otherwise.   

9  
A Fellow that newly came up to London, as an Apprentice, being sent for a Pound of Candles, and in his return, giving too large a step over the Kennel, stumbled, and all di●…ted them: Wherefore, having a cross Mistress, he went to a neighbouring Alehouse, and in a Pail of Water washed them. But then being wet, an arch Wagg advised him to hang them by the Fire to dry, whilst he tippled his Pint. But prating, and not minding them, the Fire being very hot, had quickly melted all the Tallow; when turning about and missing them, Well, said he, I have often heard that this London is a very thieving place, and now I find it true; for some body has put his Arm down the Chimney, stole my Candles out of the top of it, and left only a bunch of Candle-Wicks in the room of them; and, with this lamentable Story he went home to accept of a broken Pate.   

10.  
An old Innkeeper having married a brisk young Woman in the Town, a Spark that came to the Inn, had a great mind to be tickling her Fancy; and by Ogling, squeezing her Finger, and softly treading on her Toe, made her understand the Passion he had for her; so that they soon came to a Parley, and he found little difficulty to make her promise him to Surrender; but a convenient Place was next to be assigned, for the Signing and Exchanging Articles. At length they appointed to meet, when it was dark, in the House of Easement. But when they were in the midst of their merry Conceit, the Old Man came thundering at the Door. Who's there? says the Spark? It is I, replied he; Let me in; I'm in haste. You can't come in says the Spark; I am in before you, and you must stay while I have done. Why so? says the Husband; there are two Holos. I know that, says the Spark; but I am just got into one, and the other is all befouled: With which flamm he sent him away, to ease himself upon the Dunghill, while the two Lovers went on with their Show.   

11.  
Many People have wondered at the meaning of Throwing at Cocks on a Shrove-Tuesday; which, for your better Information, take as followeth. A good Woman, you must know, once upon a time, in her Husband's absence, had occasion for some secret Service to be done her by a Neighbour of hers; to which only the Cocks and Hens were privy: When Crowing-time came, the old Cock standing a tiptoe on his Dunghill, began his usual Crow; which the Woman's guilty Conscience interpreted thus, My Master's a Cuckold, I ●…now it. Do you so? says she; I'll spoil your telling of Tales: Whereupon, catching him up, she was about to wring off his Neck; but thinking that too easy a Punishment for so great a Crime, she gave him to a parcel of rude Boys, to knock on the head with a Cat-stick: And so began the foolish Custom.   

12.  
A Country Farmer, who drudged on only for the Payment of Rent, and a little Victuals; yet to add to his Misery, was troubled with a turbulent, scolding Wife; as one day he was at Plough, weary and sweeting, his Horses were Jaded; and crossing him, he fretted extremely; and in his Passion, called out for the Devil to come immediately and fetch them away: When (as the Story goes) up came one of Belzebub's menial Servants, to fulfil his Request. At whose terrible Shape, and fierce Countenance, the poor Man being affrighted, entreated his absence; for he had no business with with him. Why, said Mephistopheles, did you not call me to take your Horses? Ay, said he; but I was only in jest. Oh! replied the Devil, I don't use to be jested with, but will have something  I go. Then, said the poor Man, pray go and take my Wife away. Then skipped the Infernal Messenger, and horsing her on his back, flew with her to his Master's Dungeon: but there she kept such a Clamour, made such Cabals and Disturbances, that the poor Dog of a Devil was ordered, upon pain of being hung up by the heels in a smoky Chimney for a Thousand Years, to carry her back again. But then the Husband would not take her, declaring she was bad before, but now she would be ten times worse. Why? said Mephistopheles; If you will do it, I will make you a famous Doctor; and prescribe what you will, it shall have success, if you see me at the Bed's-Head; but if at the Feet, the Party will die. This being agreed, the first he practised on, was an Usurer, whose Conscience started at the Thoughts of Another World: but the Devil, it seems, appearing at the Feet, he very sadly told him, He must die. Oh! said he, talk not to me of Death; use your best Endeavours to save me, and I'll give you a Hundred Pound. Upon this, he beckoned the Devil to come up to the ●…ed's Head: but he shook his Horns, as unwilling to do it. Whereupon, stepping to him, and whispering in his Ear, he said Before George, if ye don't do it, I'll fetch my Wife to you. The terror of which Threat made him skip thither presently, and then he gave his Patiented comfort under his Affliction in a very short time.   

13.  
A Quaker that was a Barber, being sued by a Parson for Tithes; Yea and Nay went to him, and demanded the reason, why he troubled him, seeing he never had any Deal with him in his whole Life. Why, says the Parson, it is for Tithes. For Tithes! says the Quaker; I prithee, Friend, upon what Account? Why, said the Parson, for Preaching in the Church. Alas! then, replied the Quaker, I have nothing to do to pay thee; for I come not there, Oh! but you might, says the Parson; for the Doors are always open, at convenient Times: And thereupon, told him, he would be paid, seeing it was his due. Yea and Nay hereupon, shaked his Ears, and making several wry Faces, departed, and immediately entered his Action, it being in a Corporation Town, against the Parson, for Forty Shillings. The Parson, upon notice of this, came to him, and very hotly demanded, why he put such a Disgrace upon him? and for what he did owe him the Money? Truly, Friend, replied the Quaker, for Trimming. For Trimming! said the Parson; why, I was never Trimmed by you in my Life. Oh! but thou mightst have come and been Trimmed, if thou hadst pleased, for my Doors are always open, at convenient Times, as well as thine.   

14.  
In former days, an ambitious Gentlewoman, desirous to be a Lady, had indented with her Husband on Articles of Marriage, That he should be Knighted. Which coming in, in discourse with another Gentlewoman, she asked how much that Honour would cost? Why, replied the other, about an Hundred Pounds. Why then, said she, mine shall never be at that Charge; for I'll Dubb him myself first, and so may you yours, and save the Money, if you be wise.   

15.  
A young Scholar, the Son of a Farmer, coming to visit hi●… Parents, put out many Quibbles: which made the Country Fellows that came to see him, stare, and imagine he Conjured, and was calling up Mephistopheles to show Tricks. But one night, being at Supper, and a couple of Fowls set on the Table, to show his further Skill, he must needs be chopping Logic: Now, said he, Father, I'll show what Learning can do: You see these Two Fowls. Ay, (said the Father, and so said the Mother.) Well then, continued he, I'll show you how to make Three of them. That's brave! (says the Old Woman,) and will quickly increase our Store: But how (continued she) do you make that appear? Oh! (said he,) by Logic: As thus; Here's One, is there not? Yes, (said she.) Then taking up the other, Here's Two, (said he: Now, Two and One makes Three. Well (said the Father,) I think you have made it out pretty well; we will have these Two, and you shall have the Third for yourself: And so our Logician, for his Quibble's sake, was forced to go supperless to bed.   

16.  
An Old Woman having forgotten her Spectacles, and seeing some People crowding about a great Baboon, dressed up in Antic Fashion, took it for the Indian Ambassador, squeezed in among them; and seeing some laugh, said, O fie! good People; Are you not ashamed to use Strangers at this rate? I protest, it is no wonder that you are used no better in their Country, when you thus flout a reverend Gentleman, because he is new come over, and can't understand our Language.   

17.  
A Constable whose Name was Nott, being upon the Watch, a jolly Fellow who had some little knowledge of him, was brought before him; and then demanding where the Constable was, the other strutting with his Staff in his hand, said I am he. You are Nott the Constable, replied the other. Then said Mr. Constable, Nott, I say, I am the Constable; and that you shall find, to your sorrow, if you dare deny my Authority once more. You do not hear me, replied the other, deny your Authority; for I say, you are Nott the Constable. Well, said the Regent of the Nocturnal Band of Billmen, Take him to the Counter. And the next Morning, it being canvased before a Justice, and the Constable's Ignorance appearing, in not knowing his own Name, when he heard it, he was ordered to pay the Fees; and give the Party he had committed a Treat of a Guinea, to be Friends with him.   

18.  
A lusty Wench coming out of the Country, and living with the Beadle of the Parish, an old Watchman made Love to her: who having stayed a long time, without ever being asked the Question; and searing, if she missed this Opportunity, never to meet with one so favourable again, clapped up the Bargain, and desired a Neighbour who was going into the Country, to give that little Kindred she had there, an Account of the good Luck she had met with at London, in so speedily altering her Condition. The Man, upon his arrival, was received with such Entertainment as their poor Abilities could afford, and all flocked about him to hear the News, demanding in what Capacity this Husband of their Kinswoman's was. Oh! said he, He is a very reverend Person, a careful One, that looks to the City; and is no less dignifyed, than being One of the Elders that sits in the Gate. All rejoiced at this, concluding him no less than an Alderman, or a Colonel of the Trained Bands: So leaving them thus deceived, several of them prepared their best Equipage, and came up to congratulate Dorothy's Success, in hopes of Rewards and Favours for former Kindness: But when they found she had yoked with a Nocturnal Billman, whose highest Income was but Forty Shillings a Quarter, they sneaked home again, without so much as a How d'ye, Cousin?   

19  
A Country Fellow having been to visit the University at Oxford, and being asked what strange Things he had seen there? Oh! said he, many strange Things; but one above the rest most admirable. What's that? said the other. Oh! said he, I saw, in one of the Colleges, a Dog in a Wheel, Spinning of Roast-meat.   

20.  
Ben. Johnson, one day, passing over Covent-Garden, a lame Beggar followed him, begging hard for an Alms. How now, Fellow! says Ben. by what Authority do you beg here? disturbing People with your Clamours, as they pass along on their lawful Occasions? Oh, Si●…! replied he, I have lost the Use of my Limbs in the Service, and have a Licence for it. Ha! (says Ben.) Is it so?— Well, Friend, Lice, I believe you have; but I'm sure, little or no sense, to beg Money of a Poet, as Wit is rated in this Age.   

21.  
Some Spaniards being at Sea in a Storm, one of them vowed to offer a Wax Taper at the Shrine of St. Agatha, (to whom they attribute a Power over Winds and Tempests) as big as the Mainmast, if she would bring him safe to Land. Ay! says his companion, but where would you get Money to buy Wax? or a Mould big enough to make it in? Puh! replied he; never trouble your Head for that; for though I promise such a one now, yet when I get ashore, one of Twelve in the Pound shall serve her turn.   

22.  
A rambling Footman that had been to see some of his quondam Companions in the City, reeling home late, was brought before an Intelligible Constable, who demanded who he belonged to? He, with some stuttering, told him, to one Mr. Baxter. Oh! replied the Man of Night-Rule, I understand you now! You say you are Page of the Back-Stairs: Well, well, go about your Business; I must not stop such worthy Men as you, who are Officers at Court: And he dismissed him accordingly.   

23.  
Two Justices, in a former Reign, having gotten a Fellow between them, upon Examination for a trivial Matter, made a mighty Pother, urging him to go on with his Confession. Why truly, my Masters, said he, I find myself between Hawk and Buzzard, and can remember no more at this time, and so prayed to be dismissed.   

24.  
A Woman being told by an arch Wagg, of whom she enquired for News, That there was an Order made, That every painful, laborious Man, that had been Cuckolded Three times, should have a Pension allowed by the Society of Cuckold-makers in London. Will they so, said she? why, that will be a great help to us; for my poor Husband may justly claim Ten Pensions.   

25.  
A needy Fellow walking in the Fields and musing how to get Money, espying in a Tuft of Grass a heap of Album Graecum, (as the Learned call it,) or in plain English, White Dogs-turd, he took it up, and cast in his Mind, how he might make some Advantage of it, to supply his craving Necessities. And finding any thing, in a manner, that had but a hard Name, went off at London, among some fort of People, he Christened it Torvine; and putting it up in Papers very decently, feigning an Outlandish Tone, went about the Streets, crying, Who buy my Torvine, to make you Ready-witted, and speak. Truth presently. Among others, a Yorkshire Man, that was to give Evidence in Law-Matter, and having but a bad Memory, thinking by this means to be made an Orator, purchased a Paper of a Shilling Price, with large Directions how to take it; and ●…eing greedy of Knowledge, fell to nib●…ng of it immediately, and then to puttering and spawling, crying out, It was a Tyke's Turd. Why, Lau ye there! said the other, laughing; Did I not tell you, it would make you Ready-witted, and speak Truth presently.   

26.  
A Man that had Robb'b a House, being Taken and Condemned at Paris, was carried a Mile out of that City to be Hanged; but could not, all the way he went, forbear laughing at a merry Conceit that came into his Head. Hi●… Father-Confessor chid him for it, exhorting him to be serious, and urged him to give him the Reason of that ill●… timed Mirth. He told him, He should know the Occasion of it, before he died ●… And so coming to the fatal Place, when he was mounted on the Ladder, he desired the People to sing a Salvo Reginae ●… that is, a Hymn to the Virgin Mary Which when they had ended; Now Father, said he, you have often told me o●… the Miracles done by St. Francis, St. Ignatius, and Others; and the Cause wh●… I laughed, was, To think I should do a great a one as any of them, before ●… die. What's that? said the Friar. Why even, replied he, to make a company of Cuckoos sing in the Middle of Winter.   

27.  
A romancing Fellow, telling a Story, That in the Cham of Tartary's Court, he saw a Man of a mighty Stature eat a Load of Hay, all but the Truss-bands, for a Wager. That's a small matter, said another, resolving to Out-lye him, thought likely to be very true; for I had an Uncle, that was a Woodman, who would make nothing to eat up a Load of Logs for his Breakfast, and a Load of Bavins-bands for his Dinner; but they filled him so, he seldom could eat any Supper.   

28.  
A true Toper, that lived at the Sign of the Three Cups, having a Letter directed to him by a Friend, the Superscription was, Three Hundred Cups; the next time he met him, he asked him how he came to blunder so, by a false Direction? Oh! replied he, I knew well enough what I did; for I could never find but you loved Cups very well, and therefore resolved not to stint you in your number.   

29.  
A Man being very earnest to know of his Wife, how many of the Ten Children he had, were his own: But she put him off, sometimes with Flamms, and at other times with Protestations; till at last he, impatient of Delay, vowed he would go to the Cunning-man to be resolved, if she made any further refusal. This made the good Woman start, and entreat him not to do it; for such unlawful Erterprises might provoke God to take them from him. Well, said he, to prevent it, tell me truly. Indeed, said she, I will: This, and this, and so going on to the number Nine, are yours. And whose is the other? said he. Nay, Husband, pray don't ask me that? Well, said he, to save you a Scruple of Conscience, and to prove myself an honest Man, the Parson shall have this for Tithe; for I am satisfied he has a Right to it.   

30.  
Some quibbling Experiments being pushed about among jovial Companions, says one, What think you of this Foursquare House, now it is likely to rain, if I should so order it, that the Rain should fall but on one side of it. Why, said another, it cannot be, unless you Conjure, and have Power over the Elements. Yes, said he; you shall see the Experience of it, for a two Bottles Wager. Done! says one; and Done! says the other. So staying a little while, it began to rain very plentifully. Now, said one, you have lost. No, said the other, I have not: And thus I demonstrate it, viz. What you see now, is only the Outside of the House on which the Rain falls, but the Inside is dry; and if you make me any more than the Outside and the Inside of a thing, than I yield my Wager lost.   

31.  
A Fellow that had got a shrewd Wife, seeing a Man turmoiled with an unruly Horse, cried out, Friend! Friend! if you would tame him, Mary him, and I'll warrant you that will do it.   

32.  
An Old Man that was very deaf, coming to Market to sell a Cow, a Sharper who observed his Infirmity, was very diligent in harkening who cheapened; and following one of the Chapmen into an Alehouse, who would not come up to the Price, said, Come, Friend, my Father, yonder, (pointing to him thorouth the Window,) is willing to take your Money; pay it to me, and the Cow shall be delivered: sown the Money was laid. The Sharper thereupon steps to the Old Man, and strikes him earnest for his Cow, at his own Price; but that he must help his Servant to drive her to his Yard, at the lower-end of the Town. To this he consented; and then calling out him that had bought her really, away went the Old Man with him whilst the Sharper rubbed off with the Money, and left them to scuffle it out at Law; till at length, finding themselves bubbled and cheated, they ended the Controversy with a Woodcock-Feast.   

33.  
A Plasterer and his Boy being employed to Whiten a House by the Day, were so tedious, that tiring the Patience of the Owner, he one day asked the Boy, in his Master's absence, when he thought they would have done? Who replied very bluntly, That his Master was gone to look for another ; and if he found one, they should make an end of it that Week: but I believe, continued he, if he misses of any other Work, it will be the End of the next Week before we shall have finished this.   

34.  
A Gentleman requiring a Painter to draw him the Prospect of a sine House, with a Porter standing at the Gate with a Staff in his Hand; he did it all well, to content, but the Porter; which part of his Instructions he forgot, and was chid for. Why, Sir, said he, are you so angry? the Butler has only invited him into the Cellar, to drink a Glass of Wine! I'll undertake for him, he shall be at the Gate in an hours time: And so drew him in his proper place.   

35.  
An old rich Citizen, intending to keep himself very warm, resolved to double the Cloth of a Suit he made; that is, to Line the Coat with the same; as likewise the Breeches: but in the latter, next his Skin, a Dimmoty Lining was placed. The conscious Tailor thought therefore, in such a case, any Cloth would save, and therefore resolved to save that Remnant: in the room of which, he put in an old painted Cloth that had been used in a Play at Bartholomew-Fair. When one day, the Party going to Air himself, as he was stepping over a Style, a Snag happened to tear his Breeches; and going to look upon the Rent, he espied two painted Devils threatening, in horrid Shapes, with Much-Forks in their Hands; which made him haste to pull them off; and looking further, found other Devils tormenting Dives in Flames. Starting at this, he ran with them under his Arm to the Tailor, upbraiding him for cheating him; but most of all, that he had made him carry Hellfire in his Breeches. Mr. Snipp upon this, protested, with uplisted Hands and Eyes, that he ●…new nothing of it! and wished he might go to Hell, to find the Cloth thus changed, if he did! (craftily meaning that under the Shopboard)   

36.  
A brisk young Sempstress having out-witted many an airy Fop, and sparkish Gallant, was, at last, out-witted herself, in this manner: A Town-Shift, in very good Habit, coming into her Shop, cheapened and bargained for a considerable parcel of Linen: and then pausing— said, Oh! I had like to have forgot one thing; I want a Shirt of the largest make; it is not for myself, but for one as big again. She shown him thereupon several; but he complained they were too straight: and then she shown him another; which he seemed to like, saying, Pray, Madam, do me the favour to let me see you strip it on over your . The which, to please and humour so good a Customer, she did. Then he turning her about, to see how it sat, fastened privately the hinder Lappets, with two la●…ge Pins, through her , to the hi●…der part of her ●…mock; then snatching the Linen he had bargained for, off the Counter, out he ran. She thereupon followed him, crying, Stop him! Stop him! and hastily going to pull the Shirt over her Ears, as ashamed to pursue him in such a Garment, she with it drew up all her , and exposed her naked Posteriors to the Public, and so ran on, still pulling to get off the Shirt; whilst some good Matrons, who supposed her to be Mad, stopped her, sensible that she ought to be covered behind: Which gave the Sharper an opportunity to rub cleverly off with his Booty.   

37.  
A Citizen, not much acquainted with Horseflesh, seeing a very sine Mare managed in her Paces, commended her highly: but, said he, her often breeding will spoil her; therefore, it were better they could clap a pair of Stones between her Legs, and make her a Gelding.   

38.  
A Citizen having married a very young Girl, and of as young an Understanding, being invited to a christening, she took the Child in her Arms, and fell to dandling it, the better to be experienced, when one she longed for came to town: And how old is this Child? says she to the Nurse. Why truly, replied the Nurse, but Five Days. Nay, said she, I know by my little Spot, it must be Nine Days old, or it could not see. At this the Nurse laughed, and told her, she would be better informed, when she came to Years of Discretion.    

THE NEW ART OF Wheedling.  
THE Word WHEEDLE, is of so late an Edition, that it is to be found in no Dictionary but the Canting one; and imports, a subtle Insinuation into the Nature, Humours and Inclinations of such as we converse with; working upon them so effectually, that we possess them with a Belies, that all our Actions and Services tend to their Pleasure and Profit: Whereas it is but seemingly so, that we may work on them our Ends, and real Advantage. Therefore, that People may the better see through this Veil of Hypocrisy, I shall lay open the sly Methods, the subtle Wheedler takes to bring about his Purposes.  
The Practised Wheedle, as Juvenal says of such Men in his time, will conform to all sorts of Company: Do you laugh; they will endeavour to laugh louder: If you are sad and pensive, and prove to weep, they will deluge themselves in Crocadilian Tears: If you complain of Cold; they Shiver: and if, in the next breath, you say the Weather's Warm; they'll straight begin to Unbutton, and cry, they are sweltered with Heat.  
— Ridens? Majore cachinno  
Concucitur: flet, si Lachrynas conspexit Amici,  
Nec dolet, igniculum Brumae si tempore poscas,  
Accipit Endromidem, si dixeris, aestuo, sudat.  Juven. Sat. 4. 
The Wheedle will be sure never wholly to disapprove what any one says, on whom he has a Design: But if he says any thing never so improbable, or impossible, if he makes not an Apology for it, he will not wholly contradict it, but even his Negative; like Janus, shall bear a double Face; and without feeling any of your Passions, or understanding any of your Actions, he shall appear more concerned for you than you are for yourselves, and fail not to compose and conform his Countenance and Gestures exactly with yours; and Proteus like, turn himself into any shape of Conversation that may prove profitable or advantageous to him. It is not every one can make a complete Wheedle; for it requires many Qualifications; as, some Learning, good Natural Parts, and a Comely Body; also, a practised Reservation, Dissimulation, Flattery, bridled or pretended Patience, Humility, Civility, Plausibility, Affability; a seeming Honesty, though none in the bottom: So that Men are cheated by them, before their Eyes; and persuaded, by cunning Insinuations, out of their Reasons, to believe these Flatterers before their own Senses; who, with the Poet, thus whisper to them: 
— Da Justum, Sanctumque videri:  
Noctem peccatis, & Fraudibus: jobjece Nubem.  
" Let me seem Just and Holy: Let the" Night  
" Overcast my Frauds: Let Clouds" hid them from sight.   
And now for his Qualifications. And the First of these are (as is said) Learning or Languages acquired by Travel: For though he may often meet with Bubbles and Blockheads, he may sometimes, for all his Cunning, catch a Tartar, meet with such as will find him out to be only a silly Pretender to what he professes, and by which he has gained so much Applause; and if he loses his Credit, his Company falls off, and he is left to shift, till in a place that he is not known, he can fasten upon others.  
The next, is, good Natural Parts; a fluent way of Discoursing, without Hesitation or Stammering, having all his Words prompt and ready, apt to turn and wind; and when an Ambiguity is delivered, to turn it to the best advantage; and so if he finds, at first, he trips of mistakes, he may, upon second thoughts, rectify his Understanding.  
Thirdly, A Handsome, Proportioned Body, and a winning Presence and Behaviour, which wins and attracts Affection, if suited with a genteel Garb, especially on the Female Sex, on whom they chief employ their Talon; so that by ingratiating into their Favour, they have many of them shared Estates with the Husband, and lived splendidly, without any other Stock than their Tongues, etc.  
These Qualifications being had, the next thing they do, is to haunt the Coffeehouses, Taverns, Gaming-Ordinaries, and such like Places, to observe, by the Behaviour and Demeanour of the Party, what Stock of Understanding he has, but more especially, what Stock of Money or Supplies belonging to him; and the●… he six the first Opportunity he can take hold of, on a Bottle of Wine, or a small Collation; which Generosity he undeniably accepts of; and then, by humouring in all his pretty Fancies, make him believe he is the most accomplished Gentleman he ever met with in the days of his born; and from that moment, they contract an intimate familiarity, and are seldom asunder, till such time as the Gallant's Exchequer, by reason of the profuse Extravagancy, gins to be at low Ebb; and then, like a Swallow, he goes off with a canting Compliment, to a warmer Sun. When he sees an Opportunity, he borrows, with Promises and Protestations of Payment, when his Estate, which he pre●…ends is very large, after the Death of his Father, comes into Hands: And if his new Amicus is not free in that, than he gets himself Arrested by some of his Companions; and so sending for his Friend, tells him a lamentable Story, That he had the misfortune to be obliged for a young Gentlewoman, to a Tailor, for Twenty Pounds; and that she being gone down to her Relations, to fetch up the Money, her Creditor being possessed by one whom she rivals in Beauty and Amours, That she has withdrawn herself, on purpose to cheat him, he has Arrested him at a nick of time when he is out of Money, but shall receive an Hundred Pounds in four days.  
The kind good natured Gentleman, upon this, opens his Purse; or if he be ●…nsurnished, borrows of his wealthy Friends, to supply his wheedling One; and by this means the supports his Pleasure and Riot: These kind of Cattle being like Pharaoh's lean Kine, the Devourers of all the Young Sparks that fall in their course to be so unfortunate as to be acquainted with them.  
So briefly to conclude, I shall end in these Lines of a witty Author: 
When the young Fop comes fluttering up to Town  
From an indulgent Mother, up and down  
He rambles, till at last he is espied  
By some sharp Knave, and is by him decoyed  
Into a Snare, by's smooth, deluding Tongue,  
Who, Siren like, does lead him, lulled along  
In a fond waking Dream, till he, at last,  
Too late for Rescue, is on Quicksands cast;  
There sadly sees how he has been deceived;  
And comfortless, is of his Friends bereaved;  
Left in a Goal, at leisure to repent,  
And there converse with Want and Discontent:  
The Wheedle then him, as Contagion, flies,  
And there, without some true Friend's help, he lies  
In Misery, perhaps, until he dies.   
FINIS.