A Right Pithy, Pleasant, and Merry COMEDY, ENTITLED, Gammer Gurton's Needle; Played on the Stage near a hundred years ago in Christs-Colledge in CAMBRIDGE. Made by Mr. S. Master of Art. LONDON: Printed by Tho. Johnson, and are to be sold by Nath. Brook at the Angel in Cornhill, Francis Kirkman at the John Fletcher's Head, on the Backside of St. Clement's, Tho. Johnson at the Golden Key in Pauls-Church-yard, and Henry Marsh at the Prince's Arms in Chancery-lane, near Fleetstreet, 1661. The Names of the SPEAKERS in 〈…〉 ●●●●●y. DIccoon the 〈◊〉 Hodge, ●●mme● 〈◊〉 servant. Ty●, Gammer Gurton's Maid. Gammer Gurton. Cock, Gammer Gurton's Boy. Dame Chat. Doctor Rat, the Curate. Master Baily. Doll, Dame Chatte's Maid. Scapethrift, Master Bailyes servant. MUTES. God save the KING. The PROLOGUE. As Gammer Gurton, with many a wide stitch, Sat pesing and patching of Hodge her man's briche. By chance or misfortune as she her gear tossed, In Hodge leather briches her needle she lost. When Diccon the bedlam had hard by report, That good Gammer Gurton was robbed in this sort, He quietly persuaded with her in that stound, Dame Chat her dear gossip this needle had found. Yet knew she no more of this matter (alas) Then knoweth Tom our clerk what the Priest saith at mass. Hereof there ensued so fearful a fray, Mass Doctor was sent for these gossips to stay; Because he was Curate, and esteemed full wise, Who found that he sought not by Diccons' device, When all things were tumbled and clean out of fashion, Whether it were by fortune, or some other constellation, Suddenly the needle Hodge found by the pricking, And drew out of his buttock where he found it sticking. Their hearts then at rest with perfect security. With a pot of good ale they stroke up their plaudity. The first Act. The first Scene. Diccon. Dic. MAny a mile have I walked, divers and sundry ways, And many a good man's house have been at in my days. Many a gossip's cup in my time have I tasted, And many a brooch spite, have I both turned and basted. Many a piece of bacon have I had out of their balks, In running over the country, with and long weary walks. Yet came my foot never, within those door cheeks, To seek Flesh or Fish, Garlic, Onions or Leeks, That ever I saw a sort in such a plight, As here within this house appeareth to my sight, There is howling and scowling, all cast in a dump, With whewling and puling, as though they had lost a trump. Sighing and sobbing, they weep and they wail. I marvel in my mind, what the devil they ail, The old trot sits groaning, with alas and alas, And Lib wrings her hands, and takes on in worse case. With poor Cock their boy, they be driven in such fits, I fear me the folks be not well in their wits. Ask them what they ail, or who brought them in this stay? They answer not at all, but alack and wellaway, When I saw it booted not, out at doors I hied me, And caught a slip of Bacon, when I saw that none spied me, Which I intended not far hence, unless my purpose fail, Shall serve for a shoinghorn to draw on two pots of ale. The first Act. The second Scene Hodge. Diccon. Hodge SE so I'm arrayed with dabbling in the dirt; She that set me to ditching, ich would she had the squirt. Was never poor soul that such a life had? Gog's bones this vilthy glay hase dressed me too bad, God's soul, see how this stuff tears, Ich were better to be a Bareward and set to keep Bares. By the mass here is a gash, a shameful hole indeed, And one stitch tear further, a man may thrust in his head. Dic. By my father's soul Hodge, if I should now besworn, I cannot choose but say thy breech is foul betorn. But the next remedy in such a case and hap, Is to planch on a piece, as broad as thy cap. Hogd. Gog's soul man, 'tis not yet two days fully ended, Since my dame Gurton (cham sure) these breeches amended But I'm made such a drudge to trudge at every need, I'll rend it though it were stitched what sturdy packhreed Dic. Hodge, let thy breeches go, and speak and tell me soon, What devil aileth gammer gurton, & Lib her maid to frown. Hodg. Tush man deceived, 'tis their daily look, They cover so over the coals, their eyes be bleared with smoke. Dic. Nay by the mass, I perfectly perceived as I came hither. That either Tib and her dame hath been by the ears together, Or else as great a matter as thou shalt shortly see. Hod. Now ich beseech our Lord they never better agree. Dic. By gog's soul there they sit as still as stones in the street As though they had been taken with some fairies, or else with some ill spirit Hod. Gog's hart, I durst have laid my cap to a crown, Chwould learn of some prancome as soon as ich cham to town. Dic. Why Hodge art thou inspired? or didst thou thereof here? Hod. Nay, but ich saw such a wonder as ich saw not this seven year, Tome Tankards Cow (he gog's bones) she set me up her sail, And Hinging about his half acre fisking with her tail; As though there had been in her arse a swarm of Bees, And chad not cried tphrowh hoor, shed leapt out of his Lees, Dic. Why Hodge lies the cunning in Tom tankard's cow's tail? Hod. Well ich hard some say such tokens do not fail, But cast thou not tell in faith Diccon, why she frowns, or whereat? Hath no man stolen her Ducks or Hens, or gelded gib her Cat? Dic. What devil can I tell man, I could not have one word, They gave no more heed to my talk than thou wouldst to a lord. Hod. Ich cannot still but muse, what marvelous thing it is, I'll in and know myself, what matters are amise, Dic. Then far well hodge a while, since thou dost inward haste, For I will into the good wife Chats, to feel how the ale doth taste. The fist Act. The third Scene. Hodge. Lib. Hog. Ch'm aghast by the mass, ich wots not what to do, Chad need bless me well before ich go them to. Perchance some felon spirit may haunt our house indeed, And then chwere but at noddy to venture cham no need. Tib. Ch'm worse than mad by the mass to be at this stay. Ch'm chib, I'm blamed, and beaten all thours on the day. Lamed and hunger storved, pricked up all in Jags, Having no patch to hid my back, save a few rotten rags. Hodg. I say Tib, if thou be Tib, as I trow sure thou be, What devil make a do is this, between our dame and thee? Tib. Gog's bread Hodge thou had a good turn thou wart not here this while. It had been better for some of us to have been hence a mile. My Gammer is so out of course, and frantic all at ones, That Cock our boy, & I poor wench, have felt it on our bones. Hod. What is the matter, say on Tib whereat she taketh so on? Tib She is undone she saith (alas,) her joy and life is gone. If she hear not of some comfort, she is saith but dead, Shall never come within her lips, on inch of meat ne bread. Hod. by'r Lady I'm not very glad, to see her in this dump, Chold a noble her stole hath fallen, & she hath broke her rump Tib. Nay and that were the worst, we would not greatly care, For bursting of her huckle bone, or breaking of her Chair. But greater, greater, is her grief, as hodge we shall all feel. Hod. Gog's wounds Tib, my gammer has never lost her Néele? Tib. Her Néele? Hod. Her néele? Tib. Her needle high him that made me, it is true Hodge I tell thee, Hod. Gog's sacrament, I would she had lost thou'rtart out of her belly. The Devil or else his dame, they ought her sure a shame, How a murrion came this chance, (say Tib) unto our dame? Tib. My gammer sat her down on the pes, and bade me reach thy breeches And by & by, a vengeance in it, or she had take two stitches To clout upon thine arse, by chance aside she lears, And gib our cat in the milk pan, she spied over head and ears. A hoor, out thief, she cried aloud, and swapped the breeches down, Up went her staff, and out leapt gib at doors into the town. And since that time was never wight could set their eyes upon it, Gog's malison chaveaue Cock and I, bid twenty times light on it Hod And is not them my breeches sewed up, to morrow that I should wear Tib. No in faith hodge thy breeches lie, for all this never the near Hod. Now a vengeance light on all that sort, that better should have kept it, The cat, the house, and tib our maid, that better should have swep it See where she cometh crawling, come on in twenty devils way Ye have made a fair days work, have you not? pray you say. The first Act. The iiii. Scene. Gammer. Hodge. Tib Cock. Gam. ALas, alas, I may will curse 〈◊〉 ban, This day that ever I saw it, with gib and the milk pan. For these and ill luck together, as knoweth Cock my boy, Have stack away my dear needle, and robbed me of my joie. My fair long strait néele that was mine only treasure, The first day of my sorrow is, and last of my pleasure. Hodg. Might ha' kept it when ye had it, but fools will be fools still, Lose that is vast in your hands, ye need not but ye will. Gam. Go high thee tib, and run thou hoor, to th'end here of the town Didst carry out dust in thy lap, seek where thou poorest it down, And as thou sawest me roking, in the ashes where I mourned, So see in all the heap of dust, thou leave no straw unturned. Tib That chal gammer swithe and tight, and soon be here again, Gam. Tib stoop & look down to the ground to it, and take some pain. Hodg. Here is a pretty matter, to see this gear how it goes, By gog's soul I think you would loes your arse, and it were lose. Your néele lost, it is pity you should lack care and endless sorrow Gog's death how shall my breeches be sewed, shall I go thus to morrow Gam Ah hodge, hodge, if that ich could find my néele by the reed Chould sow thy breeches ich promise the, ●o full good double thread And set a patch on either knee, shall last this months twain, Now god and Saint Scythe I pray, to send it home again. Hodg. Whereto served your hands & eyes, but your needle to keep, What devil had you else to do, ye keep ich wots no sheep. Ch'm fain abroad to dig and delve, in water, mire and clay, Sossing and possing in the dirt, still from day to day. A hundred things that be abroad, I'm set to see them we'll, And four of you sit idle at home, and cannot keep a néele. Gam. My néele alas ich lost hodge, what time ich me up hasted, To save milk set up for the, which gib our cat hath wasted. Hodg. The devil he burst both gib, and Tib, with all the rest, Ch'm always sure of the worst end, who ever have the best. Where ha' you ben fidging abroad, since you your néele lost? Gam. Within the house, and at the door, sitting by this same post. Where I was looking a long hour, before these folk came here, But welawaie, all was in vain, my néele is never the near: Hodg. Set me a candle, let me seek, and grope where ever it be, Gog's hart ye be foolish (ich think) you know it not when you it see Gam. Come hither Cock, what Cock I say? Cock. How Gammer. Gam. Go high thee soon, and grope behind the old brosse pan, Which thing when thou hast done. There shalt thou find an old , wherein if thou look well, Thou shalt find lying an inch of white tallow candle, Light it, and bring it ●●te away, Cock. That shallbe done anon. Gam. Nay tarry hodge till thou hast light, and then we'll seek ich one Hodg. Come away ye whoreson boy, are yeasleep? ye must have a crier Cock. Ich cannot get the candle light, here is almost no fire Hodg. I'll hold the penny, I'll make that come if ich may catch thine ears Art deaf thou whoreson boy? cock I say, why canst not hears; Gam. Beat him not Hodge but help the boy and come you two together. The i. Act. The v. Scene Gammer. Tib. Chocke. Hodge. Gam. HOw now Tib, quick lets here, what news thou hast brought hither? Tib. Chave tossed and tumbled yonder heap our and over again, And winnowed it through my fingers, as men would winnow grain Not so much as a hen's turd but in pieces I tore it, Or what so ever cold or clay I foomd, I did not spare it. Looking within and eke without, to find your needle (alas) But all in vain and without help, you needle is where it was. Gam. Alas my needle we shall never meet, adve, adve for aye. Tib. Not so gammer, we might it find if we knew where it lay. Cock. Gog's cross Gammer, if ye will laugh look in but at the door, And see how Hodge lieth tomblinge and tossing amids the flower Raking there some fair to find among the ashes dead Where there is not one spark, so big as a pin's head, At last in a dark corner two sparks he thought he sees Which where indeed nought else, but Gib our cats two eyes Puff quod hodge thinking thereby to have fire without doubt, With that Gib shut her two eyes, and so the fire was out And by and by them opened, even as they were before, With that the sparks appeared even as they had done of yore, And even as hodge blew the fire as he did think Gibas she felt the blast strait way began to wink, Till Hodge fell of swearing, as came best to his turn, The fier was sure bewitched, and therefore would not burn: At last Gib up the stairs, among the old posts and pins, And hodge he hied him after till broke were both his shins: Cursing and swearing oaths, were never of his making, That Gib would fire the house, if that ●he were not taken, Gam. See here is all the thought that the foolish ●rohin taketh. And Tib me think at his elbow almost as merry maketh This is all the wit ye have when others make their moan, Come down Hodge, where art thou? and let the Cat alone, Hodg. Gog's heart, help and come up, Gib in her tail hath fire, And is like to burn all if the get a little hire: Come down (quoth you,) nay then you might count me a patch The house cometh down on your heads if it take on's the thatch Gam. It is the cat's eyes fool that shineth in the dark. Hodg. Hath the Cat do you think in every eye a spark? Gam. No, but they shine as like fire as ever man see. Hodg. By the mass and she burn all, yoush bear the blame for me Gam. Come down and help to seek here our neel that it were found Down Tib on thy knees I say, down Cock to the ground, To God I make a vow, and so to good Saint Anne A candle shall they have a piece, get it where I can, If I may my neel find in one place or in other. Hodg. Now a vengeance on gib light, on gib and gibs mother And all the generation of Cats both far and ne'er Look on the ground whoreson thinks thou the néel is here. Cock. By my troth gammer me thought your needle here I saw But when my fingers touched it, I felt it was a straw, Tib. See Hodge what 'tis, may it not be within it, Hodg. Break it sool with thy hand, and see, & thou canst find it. Tib. Nay break it you Hodge according to your word. Hodg. Gog's sides, fie it stinck●: it is a Cat's turd, It were well done to make thee eat it by the mass. Gam. This matter amendeth not my néel is still where it wass Our candle is at an end let us all in quite And come another time, when we have more light. The two Act. First a Song. Back and side go bare, go bare, booth foot and hand go cold: But Belly god send thee good Ale enough, whether it be new or old. I Can not eat, but little meat, my stomach is not good: But sure I think, that I can drink with him that wears a hood. Though I go bare, take ye no care, I am nothing a cold: I stuff my skin, so full within, of jolly good Ale and old. Back and side, go bare, go bare, booth foot and hand go cold: But belly god send the good Ale enough whether it be new or old. I love no roast, but a nut brown toast, and a Crab laid in the fire, A little bread, shall do me stead much bread I not desire: No frost nor snow, no wind I trow can hurt me if I would, I am so wrapped, and throughly leapt of jolly good Ale and old. Back and side go bare, etc. And Tib my wife, that as her life loveth well good Ale to seek, Full oft drinks she, till ye may see the tears run down her cheeks: Then doth she troll, to me the bowl even as a malt worm should, And saith sweet heart, I took my part of this jolly good Ale and old. Back and side go bare, etc. Now let them drink, till they nod and wink, even as good fellows should do They shall not miss, to have the bliss, good Ale doth bring men to: And all poor souls that have scoured bowls or have them lustily trolled, God save the lives, of them and their wives whether they be young or old. Back and side go bare, etc. The first Scene. Diccon. Hodg. Dic WElldone by God's malt, wellsong and wellsaid, Come on mother Chat as thou art true maid. One fresh pot of Ale let's see to make an end Against this cold wether, my naked arms to defend This gear it warms the soul, now wind blow on the worst, And let us drink and swill, till that our bellies burst Now were he a wise man, by cunning cold define Which way my journey lieth, or where Diccon will dine But one good turn I have, be it by night or day South, East, North or West, I am never out of my way. Hod. Chym goodly rewarded, I'm I not, do you think? Chad a goodly dinner for all my sweat and swink, Neither Butter, Cheese, Milk, Onions, Flesh nor Fish, Save this poor piece of barley bread, 'tis a pleasant costly dish. Dic. Hail fellow Hodge, & will to fare, with thy meat, if the have any? But by thy words as I them smeled; thy daintrels be not many Hod Daintrels diccon (gog's soul man) save this piece of dry horsebread Cha bit no bit this live long day, no crome come in my head My guts they yawl, crawl, and all my belly rumbleth, The puddings cannot lie still, each one over other tumbleth By gog's hart I'm so vexed, and in my belly penned Chould one piece were at the spitlehouse another at the castles end. Dic. Why hodge, was there none at home thy dinner for to set? Hod. God's bread diccon ich came to late, was nothing thereto get Gib (a fowl fiend might on her light) licked the milk pan so clen See diccon, 'twas not so well washed this seven. year as ich ween A pestilence light on all ill luck, chad thought yet for all this Of a morsel of bacon behind the door at worst should not miss, But when ich sought a slip to cut, as ich was wont to do God's souls Diccon, gyb our Cat had eat the bacon to. Which bacon Diccon stole, as is declared before. Dic. Ill luck quoth he, maiy swear it hodge, this day the truth to tell Thou risen not on thy right side, or else blessed thee not well, Thy milk slopped up, thy bacon filched, that was to bad luck hodge. Hodg. Nay, nay, there was a fouler fault, my gammer ga' me that bodg Seest not how chan rend & torn, my héels, my knees & my bréech Chad thought as ich sat by the fire, help here & there a stitch But there ich was powpte indeed, Dic. Why Hodge? Hodg. Boots not man to tell, Ch'm so dressed amongst a sort of fools, chad better be in hell, My gammer (I'm ashamed to say) by god serbed me not we'll. Dic. How so Hodge? Hodge Hase she not gone trowest now and lost by'r néele. Dic. Her Eel Hodge, who fished of late? that was a dainty dish. Hodg. Tush, tush, her néele, her néele, her néele man. 'tis neither flesh nor fish. A little thing with an hole in the end, as bright as any seller, Small, long, sharp at the point, & strait as any pillar. Dic. I know not what a devil thou most, thou bringst me more in doubt Hodg. Knowest not what tom tailor's man sits broaching through a clout A needle, néele, a needle, my gammer's needle is gone. Her néele Hodge, now I smell thee, that was a chance alone, Dic. By the mass thou hadst a shameful loss, & it were but for thy brcehes Gog's soul man chould give a crown chad it but three stitches. Hodg. How sayest thou Hodge, what should he have, again thy needle got Dic. Bem vathers soul, and chad it chould give him a new grot. Hodg. Canst thou keep counsel in this case. Dic. Else chwold my thong were out. Hod. Do than but then by my advice. & I will fetch it without doubt, Dic. I'll run, I'll ride, I'll dig, I'll delve, I'll toil, I'll trudge shalt see: Hodg. I'll hold, I'll draw, I'll pull, I'll pynch i'll knéel on my bare knee. I'll scrape, I'll scratch, I'll sift, I'll seek, I'll bow, I'll bend, I'll sweat. I'll stoop, I'll stir, I'll cap, I'll knee, I'll crep on hands & feet, I'll be thy bondman Diccon, ich swear by Sun and Moon And channot sum what to stop this gap, I'm utterly undone Pointing behind to his torn breeches. Dic. Why, is there any special causs, thou takest hereat such sorrow Hod. Kirstian Clack Tom simsons maid, by the mass come hither to morrow Chamnot able to say, between us what may hap, She smiled on me the last sunday when ich put off my cap, Dic. Well Hodge this is a matter of weight, & must be kept close, It might else turn to both our costs as the world now goose, Shalt swore to be no blab Hodg. Hod. Chill Diccon. Dic. Then go to, Lay thine hand here, say after me as thou shalt hear me do. Haste no book? Hodg. Cham no book I Dic. Then needs must force us both, Upon my bréech to lay thine hand, & there to take thine oath. Hod. I Hodge bréecheless, Swear to Diccon recheless By the cross that I shall kiss, To keep his counsel close And always me to dispose To work that his pleasure is. Here he kisseth Diccons' bréech. Dic. Now Hodge see thou take heed And do as I thee bid For so I judge it meet, This needle again to win There is no shift therein But conjure up a spréet, Hodg. What the great devil Diccon I say? Dic. Yea in good faith, that is the way. Fet with some pretty charm. Hodg. Soft Diccon be not to hasty yet, By the mass for ich begin to sweat, Ch'm afraid of some harm, Dic. Come hither then and stir the not One inch out of this Circle plat But stand as I thee teach. Hod. And shall ich be here safe from their claws? Dic. The master devil with his long paws Here to thee cannot reach: Now will I settle me to this gear. Hod. I say Diccon,, hear me, hear: Go softly to this matter. Dic. What devil man, art afraid of nought Hod. Canst not tarry a little thought Till ich make a curte●…e of water. Dic. Stand still to it, why shouldst thou fear him? Hod. Gog's sides Diccon, me think ich hear him And tarry chal mare all. Dic. The matter is no worse than I told it, Hod. By the mass I'm able no longer to hold it, To bad iche must bewray the hall, Dic. Stand to it Hodge, stir not you whoreson. What devil, be thine arse strings brusten? Thyself a while but stay, The devil I smell him will be here anon. Hod. Hold him fast Diccon, I'm gone, I'm gone I'll not be at that fray. The two. Act. The two. Scene. Diccon Chat. Dic. FIE shitten knave, and out upon thee A 'bove all other louts fie on thee, Is not here a cleanly prank? But thy matter was no better Nor thy presence here no sweeter, To fly I can thee thank: Here is a matter worthy glozing Of Gammer Gurton's Needle losing And a foul piece of wark, A man I think might make a play And need no word to this they say Being but half a Clark. Soft, let me alone, I will take the charge This matter further to enlarge Within a time short, If ye will mark my toys, and note I will give ye leave to cut my throat If I make not good sport, Dame Chat I say, where be ye, within? Chat. Who have we there maketh such a din? Dic. Here is a good fellow, maketh no great danger, Chat. What diccon? Come ne'er, ye be no stranger, We be fast set at trump man, hard by the fire, Thou shalt set on the King, if thou come a little nigher. Dic. Nay, nay, there is no tarrying: I must be gone again, But first for you in council I have a word or twain. Chat. Come hither Dol, Dol, sit down and play this game, And as thou sawest me do, see thou do even the same, There is 5. trumps besides the Queen, that hindmost thou shalt find her Take heed of Sim glovers wife, she hath an eye behind her. Now Diccon say your will. Dic. Nay soft a little yet, I would not tell my sister, the matter is so great, There I will have you swear by our dear Lady of Bulloyne, S. Dunstone, and S. Donnyke, with the three Kings of Kullain, That ye shall keep it secret. Chat. Gog's bread that will I do, As secret as mine own thought, by god and the devil two. Dic. Here is gammer gurton your neighbour, a sad & hevy weight: Her goodly fair red Cock, at home, was stole this last night. Chat. Gog's soul her Cock with the yellow legs, that nightly crowed so just? Dic. That cock is stolen. Chat. What was he fet out of the hen's rust? Dic. I can not tell where the devil he was kept, under key or lock, But Tib hath tikled in Gammer's ear, that you should steal the cock Chat. Have I strong hoor? by bread and salt. Dic. What soft, I say be still. Say not one word for all this gear. Chat. By the mass that I will, I will have the young hore by the head, and the old trot by the throat Dic. Not one word dame Chat I say, not one word for my cote. Chat. Shall such a beggar's brawl as that thinkest thou make me a thief The pocks light on her hores sides, a pestilence & mischief Come out thou hungry needy bitch, o that my nails be short. Dic. Gog's bred woman hold your peace, this gear will else pass sport I would not for an hundred pound, this matter should be known That I am author of this tale, or have abroad it blown Did ye not swear ye would be ruled, before the tale I told? I said ye must all secret keep, and the said sure ye would. Chat. Would you suffer yourself diccon, such a sort, to revile you With slanderous words to blot your name, & so to defile you? Dic. No good wife chat I would be loath such drabs should blot my name But yet ye must so order all, that Diccon bore no blame. Chat. Go to then, what is your read say on your mind, ye shall me rule herein. Dic. Godamercy to dame chat, in faith thou must the gear begin It is twenty pound to a goose turd, my gammer will not tarry But hither ward she comes as fast as her legs can her carry, To brawl with you about her cock, for well I hard Tib say, The cock was roasted in your house, to breakfast yesterday, And when he had the carcase eaten, the feathers ye our flung And doll your maid the legs she hide a foot deep in the dung, Chat. Oh gracious god my heart is bursts. Dic. Well rule yourself a space And gammer gurton when she cometh anon into this place Then to the Quean let's see tell her your mind & spare not So shall Diccon blameless been, and then go to I care not. Chat. Then hoor beware her throat, I can a bide no longer In faith old witch it shallbe seen, which of us two be stronger And Diccon but at your request, I would not stay one hour, Dic. Well keep it in till she be here, and then out let it pour, In the mean while get you in, and make no words of this More of this matter with in this hour to here you shall not miss Because I know you are my friend, hid it I could not doubtless Ye know your harm, see ye be wise about your own business So far ye will. Chat. Nay soft Diccon and drink, what Doll I say. Bring here a cup of the best ale, let's see, come quickly away. Hodg. Diccon. Dic. YE see masters that one end tapped of this my short devise Now must we brooch thoter to, before the smoke larise And by the time they have a while run, I trust ye need not crave it, But look what lieth in both their hearts ye are like sure to have it Hod. Yea gog's soul, art alive yet? what Diccon dare ich come? Dic. A man is well hied to trust to thee, I will say nothing but mum But and ye come any nearer I pray you see all be sweet. Hod. Tush man, is gammer's needle found, that chould gladly weet, Dic. She may thank the it is not found, for if thou had kept thy standing The devil he would have fet it out, even hodge at thy commanding Hod Gog's hart, & cold he tell nothing where that needle might be found Dic. Ye foolish dolt, ye were to seek, ere we had got our ground, Therefore his tale so doubtful was, that I could not perceive it. Hod. Then ich see welsomthing was said, chop one day yet to have it But diccon, diccon, did not the devil cry, ho, ho, ho, Dic. If thou hadst tarried where thou stoodst, thou wouldst have said so, Hod. Dared swear of a book, chard him roar, straight after ich was gone But tell me diccon with said that knave, let me here it anon. Dic. The whoreson talked to me, I know not well of what. One while his tongue it ran, and paltered of a Cat, Another while he stammered still upon a Kat, Last of all there was nothing but every word Chat, Chat, But this I well perceived before I would him rid, Between Chat and the Kat, and the Cat the needle is hid, Now wether Gib our cat have eat it in her maw, Or Doctor Kat our curate have found it in the straw, Or this same chat your neighbour have stolen it, god he knoweth, But by the morrow at this time, we shall learn how the matter goeth Hod. Canst learn to night man, seest not what is here, Pointing behind to his torn breeches. Dic. 'tis not possible to make it sooner appear, Hod. Alas Diccon then no shift, but lest ich tarry to long High me to Sim glovers shop, there to seek for a Thong, There with this breech to tatche and tie as ich may. Dic. Tomorrow hodge if we chance to meet, shall see what I will say. The two. Act. The three Scene. Diccon Gammer. Dic. NOw this gear must forward go, for here my gammer cometh, Be still a while and say nothing, make here a little roameth. Gam. Good lord, shall never be my luck my néele again to spy? Alas the while 'tis past my help, where 'tis still it must lie. Dic. Now jesus gammer gurton, with driveth you to this sadness: I fear me by my conscience, you will sure fall to madness. Gam. Who is that? what Diccon? I'm lost man: fie, fie. Dic. Marry fie on them that be worthy, but with should be your trouble? Gam. Alas the more ich think on it, my sorrow it waxeth double. My goodly tossing sporiars néele, lost ich wots not where, Dic. Your néele, when? Gam. My néele (alas) ich might full ill it spare, As god himself he knoweth ne'er one beside . Dic. If this be all good gammer, I warrant you all is save. Gam. Why know you any tidings which way my néele is gone? Dic. Yea that I do doubtless, as ye shall here anon, A see a thing this matter toucheth, within these 20 hours, Even at this gate, before my face by a neighbour of yours, She stooped me down, and up she took a needle or a pin, I durst be sworn it was even yours, by all my mother's kin. Gam. It was my néele diccon ich wots, for here even by this post Ich sat, what time as ich up start, and so my néele it lost: Who was it leive son? speak ich pray the, & quickly tell me that? Dic. A subtle quean as any in the town, your neighbour here dame Chat. Gam. Dame chat diccon let me be gone, I'll thither in post haste. Dic. Take my council yet or ye go, for fear ye walk in waist, It is a murrion crafty drab, and froward to be pleased. And ye take not the better way, our needle yet ye lose it? For when she took it up, even here before your doors? What soft dame chat, (quoth I) that same is none of yours Avant (quoth she) sir knave, what pratest thou of that I find: I would thou hadst kissed me I wots where: she meant I know behind) And home she went as brag as it had been a bodelouce. And I after as bold, as it had been, the goodman of the house: But there and ye had hard her, how she began to scold, The tongue it were on patins by him that Judas sold, Each other word I was a knave, and you a hore of hores, Because I spoke in your behalf, and said the néele was yours. Gam. Gog's bread, and thinks the callet thus to keep my néele me fro? Dic. Let her alone, and she minds none other but even to dress you so Gam. By the mass I'll rather spend the cots that is on my back. Thinks the false Quean by such a slight that i'll my néele lack Dic. Slep not you gear I counsel you, but of this take good heed Let not be known I told you of it, how well soever ye speed. Gam. I'll in Diccon a clean apron to take, and set before me, And ich may my néele once see, I'll sure remember the. The two. Act. The v. Scene. Diccon. Dic. HEre will the sport begin, if these two once may meet, Their cheer durst lay money will prove scarcely sweet My gammer sure intends to be upon her bones, With staves, or with clubs, or else with cobble stones. Dame Chat on the other side, it she be far behind I am right far deceived, she is given to it of kind, He that may tarry by it a while, and that but short I warrant him trust to it, he shall see all the sport, Into the town will I, my friends to visit there And hither strait again to see th'end of this gear In the mean time fellows, pipe up your fiddles, I say take them And let your friends here such mirth as ye can make them. The three Act. The i Scene. Hodg. Hod. Sym glover yet gramercy cham meetley well sped now, even as good a fellow as ever kissed a cow, Here is a thing in deed, by the mass though ich speak it Tom tankard's great bald curtal, I think could not break it And when he spied my need, to be so strait and hard, Hays lent me here his naul, to set the giv forward, As for my Gammer's néele, the flying fiend go wéet, I'll not now go to the door again with it to meet: Chould make shift good enough and chad a candle's end, The chief hole in my breach, with these two I'll amend. The three Act. The two Scene. Gammer. Hodg. Gam. HOw Hodge, mayst now be glad, cha news to tell thee Ich know who hais my néele, ich trust soon shalt it see, Hod. The devil thou does, hast hard gammer in deed, or dost but jest? Gam. 'tis as true as steel Hodg. Hod. Why knowest well where didst lose it? Gam. Ich know who found it, and took it up, shalt see or it be long. Hod. God's mother dear, if that be true, farewell both naule an thong But who hais it gammer say one chould fain here it disclosed. Gam. That false fixen, that same dame Chat, that counts herself so honest Hod. Who told you so? Gam. That same did Diccon the bedlam, which saw it done. Hod. Diccon: it is a vengeable knave gammer, 'tis a bonable whoreson, Can do more things then that else I'm deceyved evil: By the mass ich saw him of late call up a great black devil, O the knave cried ho, ho, roared and he thundered, And yed been here, ch'm sure you''ll' murrenly ha' wondered. Gam. Was not thou afraid Hodge to see him in this place? Hod. No, and chad come to me, chould have laid him on the face, Chould have promised him. Gam. But Hodge, had he no horns to push? Hod. As long as your two arms, saw ye never Friar Kushe, Painted on a cloth, with a side long cow's tail, And crooked cloven feet, and many a hooked nail? For all the world (if I should judge) chould reckon him his brother Love even what face Friar rush had, the devil had such another Gam. New jesus mercy hodge, did diccon in him bring? Hod. Nay gammer (hear me speak) I'll tell you a greater thing, The devil (when diccon had him, ich heard him wondrous we'll) Said plainly (here before us) that dame that had your needle. Gam. Then let us go, and ask her wherefore she minds to keep it, we know so much, 'ttwere a madness now to sleep it. Hod. Go to her gammer see ye not where she stands in her doors, Bid her give you the needle, 'tis none of hers but yours. The three Act. The three Scene. Gammer. Chat. Hodg. Gam. DAme Chat cholde pray the fait, let me have that is mine, I'll not this twenty years take on fart that is thine Therefore give me mine own and let me live beside the. Chat. Why art thou crept from home hither, to mine own doors to chide me: Hence doting drab, avaunt, or I shall set the further. Intends thou and that knave, me in my house to murder? Gam. Tush gape not so, no woman, shalt not yet eat me, Nor all the friends thou hast, in this shall not entreat me: Mine own goods I will have, and ask the no believe, What woman: poor folks must have right, though the thing you agreve. Chat. Give thee thy right, and hang the up, with all thy beggar's brood What wilt thou make me a thief, and say I stole thy good? Gam. I'll say nothing (ich warrant thee, but that ich can prove it well Thou fet my good even from my door, I'm able this to tell. Chat. Did I (old witch) steal oft was thine? how should that thing be known? Gam. Ich can not tell but up thou tookest it as though it had been thine own, Chat. Marry fie on thee, thou old giv, with all my very hart. Gam. Nay fie on thee thou ramp, thou rig, with all that take thy part. Chat. A vengeance on those lips that layeth such things to my charge Gam. A vengeance on those callet's hips, whose conscience is so large Chat. Come out Hog. Gam. Come out hog, and let have me right. Chat. Thou argant Witch. Gam. Thou bawdy bitch, I'll make thee curse this night. Chat. A bag and a wallet. Gam. A cart for a callet. Chat. Why weenest thou thus to prevail, I hold thee a groat, I shall patch thy coat, Gam. Thou wart as good kiss my tail, Thou slut, thou kut, thou rakes, thou jakes will not shame make the hide Chat. Thou skald, thou hauled, thou rotten, thou glutton, I will no longer chid the But I will teach the to keep home. Gam. Wilt thou drunken beast? Hod. Stick to her gammer, take her by the head, I'll warrant you this feast, Smite I say gammer, By't I say gammer, I trow ye will bekéene: Where be your nails? claw her by the jaws, pull me out both her eyes, Gog's bones gammer, hold up her head? Chat. I trow drab I shall dress thee. Tarry you knave I hold the a groat, I shall make these hand bless thee Take thou this old hore for amends, & learn thy tongue well to tame And say thou met at this bickering, not thy fellow but thy dame Hod. Where is the strong stewed hore, I'll gear a hores mark, Stand out ones way, that ich kill none in the dark: Up gammer and ye be alive, I'll fight now for us both, Come not ne'er me thou scaled callet, to kill the ich were loath. Chat. Art here again thou hoddypeke, what doll bring me out my spit, Hod. I'll brooch thee with this, him father soul, I'll conjure that foul spirit: Let door stand Cock, why comes indeed? keep door thou whoreson boy. Chat. Stand to it thou dastard for thine ears, I'll teach the a sluttish coy, Hod. Gog's wounds hore, I'll make the avaunte, take heed Cock, pull in the latch, Chat. I faith sir lose breach had ye tarried ye should have found your match. Gam. Fow ware thy throat lozel, thoese pray for all; Hod. Wellsaid gammer by my soul, Hoist her, souse her, bounce her, trounce her, pull out her throat bowl Chat Com'st behind me thou withered witch, & I get once on foot Thouse pay for all, thou old tarlether, I'll teach the what long to it Take the this to make up thy mouth, till time thou come by more Hod. Up gammer, stand on your feet, where is the old hore? Faith would chad her by the face choulde crack her callet crown. Gam. A hodge, hodge, where was thy help, when fixen had me down? Hod. By the mass Gammer, but for my staff, Chat had gone nigh to spill you Ich think the harlot had not cared, and chad not come, to kill you But shall we lose our needle thus, Gam. No Hodge chwarde loath do so. Thinkest thou I'll take that at her hand, no hodge ich tell the no Hod. Chold yet this fray were well take up, & our own néele at home 'twill be my chance else some to kill, where ever it be or whom Gam. We have a person, (hodge thou knows) a man esteemed wise Mast doctor Kat, I'll for him send, and let me here his advice, He will her shrive for all this gear, & give her penance straight We'll have our néele, else dame chat comes ne'er with in heaven gate Hod. Ye marry gammer, that ich think best: will you now for him send The sooner Doctor Kat be here, the sooner we'll ha' an end, And here gammer Diccons' devil, (as iche remember well) Of Cat and Chat, and Doctor Kat, a felonius tale did tell, Chold you forty pound, that is the way your néele to get again. Gam. I'll ha' him straight, call out the boy, we'll make him take the pain Hod. What coke I say, come out, what devil canst not here? Gam. How now hodge, how does? gammer, is yet the wether clear? What would me to do Gam. Come hither Cock anon: Hence swithe to Doctor Kat, hie the that thou were gone, And pray him come speak with me; I'm not well at ease, Shait have him at his chamber of else at mother Bees, Else seek him at Hobfilcher's shop, for as charred it reported there's is the best ale in all the town, & now is most resorted. Cock. And shall ich bring him with me Gammer? Gam. Yea, by and by good Cock. Shalt see that shallbe here anon, else let me have one that dock Hod. Now gammer shall we two go in, and tarry for his coming what devil woman pluck up your hart, & leave of all this glooming Though she were stronger at the first, as ich think ye did find her Gam. Yet there ye dressed the drunken sow, what time ye can behind her Nay, nay, I'm sure she lost not all, for set them to the beginning And ich doubt not, but she will make small host of her winning. The three Act. The iiii. Scene. Tib. Hodg. Gammer. Cock. Tib. SE gammer, gammer, gib our cat, chan afraid what she aileth She stands me gasping behind the door, as though her wind her faileth: Now let ich doubt what gib should mean, that now she doth so dote, Hod. Hold hither, ichould twenty pound, your néele is in her throat, Grope her ich say, me thinks ich feel it, does not prick your hand? Gam. Ich can feel nothing. Hod. No, ich know there's not within this land, A muriner Cat then Gib is, betwixt the thames and Line, Shase as much wit in her head almost as in mine, Tib. Faith shase eaten some thing, that will not easily down Whether she gar it at home, or abroad in the town Iche cannot tell. Gam. Alas ich fear it be some crooked pin, And then farewell gib, she is undone, and lost all save the skin, Hod. Tib, your néele woman, I say: gog's soul give me a knife And I'll have it out of her maw, or else chal lose my life Gam. What nay hogd, fie kill not our cat, 'tis all the cats we ha' now. Hod. By the mass dame Chat hays me so moved, iche care not what I kill, ma god a vow: Go to then Lib to this gear, hold up her tail and take her, Chilse what debit is in her guts, I'll take thou pains to rake her, Gam. Rake a Cat Hodge, what wouldst thou do? Hod. What think'st that cham not able? Did not Tom Tankard rake his Curtal toore day standing in the stable? Gam. Soft be content, let's here what news Cock bringeth from mayst Rat. Cock. Gammer been there as you had, you wots well about what I will not be long before he come, ich durst swear of a book He bids you see ye be at home, and there fore him to look. Gam. Where didst thou find him bay, was he not where I told thee? Cock. Yes, yes even at Hobfilcher's house, by him that bought and sold me A cup of Ale had in his hand, and a crab lay in the fire, Chad much a do to go and come, all was so full of mire: And Gammer one thing I can tell, Hobfilcher's awl was lost And Doctor Rat found it again, hard bestde the door post, I choulde penny can say something, your néele again to fet. Gam. Ch'm glad to hear so much Cock, than trust he will not let To help us herein best he can, therefore till time he come Let us go in, if there be aught to get thou shall have some. The two. Act. The iiii. Sceam. Doctor Rat. Gammer Gurton. D. Rat. A Man were better twenty times, be a bandog & bark, Then here among such a sort, be parish priest or clerk Where he shall never be at rest one pissing while a day. But he must trudge about the town, this way, and that way, Here to a drab, there to a thief, his shoes to tear and rent And that which is worst of all, at every knaves commandment I had not sit the space to drink two pots of ale, But Gammer gurton's sorry boy, was straight way at my tail. And she was sick, and I must come, to do I wots not what, If once her singers end but ache, trudge, call for Doctor Rat, And when I come not at their call, I only thereby lose, For I am sure to lack therefore a tithe pig or a goose: I warrant you when truth is known, & told they have their tale The matter where about I come, (is not worth a half penny worth of ale, Yet must I talk so sage and smooth, as though I were a glosser Else or the yer come at an end, I shallbe sure the loser, What work ye gammer gurton? how here is your friend M. Rat. G. A good M. Doctor, cha troubled, cha troubled you, chwot well that D. Rat. How do ye woman, be ye lusty, or be ye not well at ease? Gam. By gys master I'm not sich, but yet a disease. Chad a foul turn now of late, I'll tell it you by gigs. D. Rat. Hach your brown cow cast her calf, or your sandy sow her pigs Gam. No but chad ben as good they had, as this ich wots we'll. D. Rat What is the matter, Gam. Alas, alas, cha lost my good néele, My needle I say, and wots ye what: a drab came by and spied it And when I asked her for the same, the filth flatly denied it. D. Rat. What was she that: Gam. A dame ich warrant you: we began to scold and brawl Alas, alas, come hither Hodge? this wretch can tell you all. The iiii. Act. The two. Scene. Hodge. Doctor Rat. Gammer. Diccon. Chat. Hodge. GOd morrow gaffer Vicar. Come on fellow let us hear. Thy dame hath said to me, thou knowest of all this gear, Let's see what thou canst say? Hod. Bym say sir that ye shall, What matter so ever here was done, ich can tell your mastership My Gammer gurton hear see now, Cat her down at this door see now, And as she began to stir her, see now, her néele fell in the floor, see now, And while her staff she took, see now, at gib her Cat to fling, see now, Her néele was lost in the floor, see now, is not this a wondrous thing, see now? Then came the quean Dame Chat, see now, to ask for her black cup, see now: And even here at this gate, see now, she took that néele up, see now: My Gammer then she yeede, see now, her néele again to bring, see now, And was caught by the head, see now, is not this a wondrous thing, see now? She tore my Gammer's cote, see now and scratched her by the face, see now Chad thought shed stopped her throat, see now is not this a wondrous case, see now? When ich saw this, ich was wroth, see now and start between them twain, see now Else ich durst take a book oath, see now my gammer had been slain, see now. Gam. This is even the whole matter, as Hodge has plainly told And chould fain be quiet for my part, that chould. But help us good master, beseech ye that ye do Else shall we both be beaten and lose our needle too D. Rat. What would ye have me to do? tell me that I were gone I do the best that I can, to set you both at one. But be ye sure dame Chat hath this your needle found? Gam. Here comes the man that see her take it up off the ground, Ask him yourself master Rat if ye believe not me And help me to my needle, for god's sake and saint charity. D. Rat. Come near diccon, and let us hear, what thou can express. Wilt thou be sworn seest dame chat, this woman's needle have? Dic. Nay by S. Benit will I not, then might ye think me rave. G. Why didst not thou tell me so even here canst thou for shame deny it? Dic. I marry gammer: but I said I would not abide by it, D. Rat. Will you say a thing, and stick to it to try it? Dic. Stick to it quoth you master rat, marry sir I defy it, Nay there is many an honest man, when he such blasts hath blown, In his friend's ears, he would be loath the same by him were known: If such a toy be used oft among the honesty, It may be seem a simple man, of your and my degree. D. Rat. Then we be never the nearer, for all that you can tell. Dic. Yes marry sir, if ye will do by mine advice and counsel, If mother chat see all us here, she knoweth how the matter goes Therefore I read you three, go hence, and within keep close; And I will into dame chatte's house, and so the matter use, That or you could go twice to church, I warrant you here news: She shall look well about her, but I durst lay a pledge, Ye shall of gammer's needle, have shortly better knowledge. Gam. Now gentle Diccon do so, and good sir let us trudge▪ D. Rat. By the mass I may not tarry so long to be your judge, Dic. 'tis but a little while man, what take so much pain; If I here none was of it, I will come sooner again. Hodge Tarry so much, good master Doctor of your gentleness, D. Rat. Then let us high inward, and Diccon speed thy business. Dic. Now sirs do you no more, but keep my counsel just, And Doctor Rat shall thus catch some good I trust, But mother Chat my gossap, talk first with all I must: For she must be chief captain to lay the Rat in the dust. God deven dame Chat in faith, and well met in this place. Chat. God deven my friend Diccon, whether walk ye this pace: Dic. By my truth even to you, to learn how the world goeth, Hard ye no more of the other matter, say me now by your troth? Chat. O yes diccon: here the old hoore, & hodge that great knave. But in faith I would thou hadst seen, o lord I dressed them brave, She bar me two or three souses behind in the nape of the neck Till I made her old wesen, to answer again keck: And Hodge that dirty dastard, that at her elbow stands, If one pair of legs had not been worth two pair of hands He had had his beard shaved, if my nails would have served And not without a cause, for the knave it well deserved. Dic. By the mass I can the thank wench, thou didst so well acquit ' the Chat. And thouadst seen him Diccon, it would have made the beshit the For laughter, the horsen dolt at last caught up a club, As though he would have slain the master devil Beelzebub, But I set him soon inward. Dic. O Lord there is the thing, That Hodge is so offended, that makes him start and fling. Chat. Why? makes the knave any moiling, as ye have seen or hard Dic Even now I saw him last, like a mad man he fared, And swore up heaven and hell, he would a wreak his sorrow And leave you never a hen a live by viij. of the clock tomorrow, Therefore mark what I say, and my words see that ye trust Your hens be as good as dead, if ye leave them on the rust. Ch. The knave dare as well go hang himself, as go upon my ground Dic. Well yet take heed I say, I must tell you my tale round, Have you not about your house, behind your furnace or lead, A hole where a crafty knave may creep in for need? Chat. Yes by the mass, a hole broke down, even within these two. days, Dic. Hodge, he intends this same night, to slip in there aways. Chat. O Christ that I were sure of it, in faith he should have his meed Dic. Watch well, for the knave will be there as sure as is your creed I would spend myself a shilling to have him swinged well. Chat. I am as glad as a woman can be of this thing to here tell, By gog's bones when he cometh, now that I know the matter He shall sure at the first skip, to leap in scalding water: With a worse turn besides, when he will, let him come. Dic. I tell you as my sister, you know what meaneth mum, Now lack I but my doctor, to play his part again .. And lo where he cometh towards, peradventure to his pain. D. Rat. What good news Diccon? fellow, is mother chat at house? Dic. She is sir, and she is not, but it please her to whom: Yet did I take her tardy, as subtle as she was. D. Rat. The thing that thou went'st for, hast thou brought it to pass? Dic. I have done that I have done, be it worse, be it better. And dame Chat at her wits end, I have almost set her, D. Rat. Why hast thou spied the naele, quickly I pray thee tell. Dic. I have spied it in faith sir, I handled myself so well, And yet the crafty quean had almost take my trump. But or all came to an end, I set her in a dump: D. Rat. How so I pray thee Diccon? Dic. Marry sir will ye hear? She was clapped down on the backside, by cock's mother dear, And there she sat sowing a halter, or a band, With no other thing save gammer's needle in her hand, As soon as any knock, if the filth be in doubt, She needs but once puff, and her candle is out: Now I sir knowing of every door the pin. Came nicely, and said no word, till time I was within, And there saw the néele, even with these two eyes. Who ever say the contrary, I will swear he lies. D. Rat. O Diccon that I was not there, then in thy stead. Dic. Well, if ye will be ordered, and do by my reed. I will bring you to a place, as the house stands. Where ye shall take the drab, with the néele in her hands, D. Rat. For God's sake do so Diccon, and I will gauge my gown, To give thee a full pot of the best ale in the town, Dic. Fellow me but a little, and mark what I will say, Lay down your gown beside you, go to, come on your way: See ye not what is here, a hole wherein ye may creep Into the house, and suddenly unwares among them leap, There shall ye find the Bichfox, and the néele together, Do as I bid you man, come on your ways hither. Dic. Art thou sure diccon the swell tub stands not here about? Dic. I was within myself man even now, there is no doubt, Go softly, make no noise, give me your foot sir john, Here will I wait upon you, till you come out anon. D. Rat. Help Diccon, out alas, I shall be slain among them, Dic. If they give you not the needle, tell them that ye will hung them Ware that, how my wenches, have ye caught the Fox, That used to make revel among your hens and Cocks, Save his life yet for his order, though he sustain some pain Gog's bread, I am afraid, they will beat out his brain. D. Rat. woe worth the hour that I came hear. And woe worth him that wrought this gear, A sort of drabs and queans have me blessed, Was ever creature half so evil dressed? Who ever it wrought, and first did invent it, He shall I warrant him, ere long repent it. I will spend I have without my skin, But he shall be brought to the plight I'um in; Master Bayly I trow, and he be worth his ears, Will snaffle these murderers and all that them bears, I will surely neither bite nor sup Till I fetch him hither, this matter to take up. The v. Act. The i. Scene Master Bayly. Doctor Rat. Bayly. I Can perceive none other, I speak it from my hart But either ye are in all the fault, or else in the greatest part. D. Rat If it be counted his fault, besides all his grieves When a poor man is spoilt, and beaten among thiefs, Then I confess my fault herein, at this season, But I hope you will not urge so much against reason: Baily. And me thinks by your own tale, of all that ye name, If any played the thief you were the very same: The women they did nothing, as your words made probation, But stootly withstood your forciable invasion, If that a thief at your window, to enter should begin, Would you hold forth your hand, and help to pull him in? Or you would keep him out: I pray you answer me. D. Rat. Marry hope him out, and a good cause why: But I am no thief sir, but an honest learned Clerk. Baily. Yea but who knoweth that, when he meets you in the dark? I am sure your learning shines not out at your nose, Was it any marvel, though the poor woman arose And strat up, being afraid of that was in her purse, Me think you may be glad that your luck was worse. D. Rat. Is not this evil enough, I pray you think? Showing his broken head. Baily. Yea but a man in the dark of chances do wink, As soon meets his father as any other man Because for lack of light, decern him he ne can, Might it not have been our luck, with a spit to have been slain? D. Rat. I think I am little better, my scalp is cloven to the brain, If there be all the remedy, I know who bears the ●●ockes, Baily. By my trath and well worthy, besides to kiss the stocks To come in on the back side, when ye might go about, I know non such, unless they long to have their brains knocked out D. Rat. Well, will you be so good sir, as talk with dame Chat; And know what she intended, I ask no more but that. Baily. Let her be called fellow because of master doctor, I warrant in this case, she will be her own Proctor, She will tell her own tale in metre or in prose, And bid you seek your remedy, and so go wipe your nose. The vi. Act. The two. Scene. M. Baily. Chat. D. Rat. Gammer. Hodge. Diccon. Baily. DAme Chat, master doctor upon you here complained That you and your maids should him much misorder, And taketh many an oath, that no word he feigned, Laying to your charge, how you thought him to murder: And on his part again, that same man saith further, He never offended you in word nor intent, To hear you answer hereto, we have now for you sent. Chat. That I would have murdered him, fie on him wretch, And evil might he thee for it, our Lord I beseech. I will swear on all the books that opens and shuts He feigneth this tale out of his own guts, For this seven weeks with me, I am sure he sat not down Nay ye have other minions, in the other end of the town, Where ye were liker to catch such a blow, Then any where else, as fare as I know. Baily. Be like then master Doctor, your stripe there ye got not. D. Rat. Think you I am so mad, that where I was bet I what not? Will ye believe this quean, before she hath tried it? It is not the first deed she hath done, and afterward denied it. Chat. What man, will you say I broke your head? D. Rat. How canst thou prove the contrary? Chat. Nay how protest thou that I did the dead? D. Rat. Too plainly, by S. Mary. This proof I trow may serve, though I no word spoke. Showing his broken head. Chat. Because thy head is broken, was it I that it broke: I saw the Rat I tell thee, not once within this fortnight. D. Rat. No marry, thou sawest me not, for why thou hadst no light, But I felt thee for all the dark, beshrew thy smooth cheeks, And thou groped me, this will declare, any day this six weeks Showing his head. Baily. Answer me to this M. Rat, when caught you this harm of yours? D. Rat. A while a go sir, god he knoweth, within les them these two. hours. Baily. Dame Chat was there none with you? (confess I faith) about that season. What woman, let it be what it will, 'tis neither felony nor treason Chat. Yes by my faith master Baily,, there was a knave not fare Who caught one good Fillip on the brow with a door bar And well was he worthy, as it seemed to me, But what is that to this man, since this was not be? Baily. Who was it then? let's here. D. Rat. Alas sir, ask you that? Is it not made plain enough by the own mouth of dame chat? The time agreeth, my head is broken, her tongue cannot lie, Only upon a bare, nay she saith it was not I. Chat. No marry was it not indeed, ye shall here by this one thing, This after noon a friend of mine for good will gave we warning And bade me well look to my rust, and all my Capon's pens, For if I took not better heed, a knave would have my hens, Then I to save my goods, took so much pains as him to watch And as good fortune served me, it was my chance him for to catch What strooks he bore away, or other what was his gains I wots not, but sure I am, he had something for his pains. Baily. Yet tells thou not who it was. Chat. Who it was? a false thief, That came like a false Fox, my pullain to kill and mischief. Baily. But knowest thou not his name? Chat. I know it, but what than? It was that crafty cull yond Hodge my gammer gurton's man. Baily. Call me the knave hither, he shall sure kiss the stocks. I shall teach him a lesson for filching hens or cocks. D. Rat. I marvel master Baily, so bleared be your eyes. An egg is not so full of meat, as she is full of lies: When she hath played this prank, to excuse all this gear, She layeth the fault in such a one, as I know was not there. Chat. Was he yet there? look on his pate, that shallbe his witness, D. Rat. I would my head were half so hole, I would seek no redress. Baily. God bless you gammer Gurton. Gam. God dilde you master mine. Baily. Thou hast a knave within thy house, hodge, a servant of thine. They tell me that buste knave, is such a filching one, That Hen, Pig, Goose, or Capon, thy neighbour can have none Gam. By god cham much ameved, to hear any such report: Hodge was not wont ich trow, to have him in that sort. Ch. A theevisher knave is not on live, more filching, nor more false, Many a truer man than he has hanged up by the halse. And thou his dame of all his theft, thou art the sole receiver, For hodge to catch, and thou to keep, I never knew none better Gam. Sir reverence of your masterdom, and you were out of door, Chold be so bold for all her brags, to call her arrant whore. And ich knew Hodge so bad as tow, ich wish me endless sorrow And chould not take the pains, to hung him up before to morrow. Chat. What have I stolen from the or thine thou ill-favoured old trot? Gam. A great deal more (by God blessed) then chever by the got, That thou knowest well I need not say it. Baily. Stop there I say, And tell me here I pray you, this matter by the way: How chance hodge is not here? him would I fain have had. Gam. Alas Sir, he'll be here anon, ha' be handled too bad, Chat. Master Baily, sir ye be not such a fool well I know, But ye perceive by this lingering, there is a pad in the straw. Thinking that Hodge, his head was broke, and that gammer Would not let him come before them. Gam. I'll show you his face ich warrant the, lo-now where he is. Baily. Come on fellow, it is told me thou art a shrew iwis. Thy neighbour's hens thou takest, and plays the two legged fore Their chickens, & their capons too, & now and then their Cocks Hod. Ich defy them all that dare it say, chame as true as the best, Baily. Wart not-y ᵘ take within this hour in dame chatte's hen's nest? Hod. Take there, no master chould not dot for a house full of gold. Chat. Thou art the devil in thy cote, swarthis I dare be bold. D. Rat. Swear me not swearing quean, the devil he give the sorrow, As is not worth a gnat, thou canst swear till to morrow. Where is the harm he hath? show it by gods bread, Ye beat him with a witness, but the stripes light on my head. Hod. Bet me, gog's blessed body, chold first ich trow have burst the, Ich think and chad my hands lose callet chould have crust the. Chat. Thou shirt knave I trow thou knowest the full weight of my fist I am foully deceived, unless thy head and my door bar kissed. Hod. Hold thy chat whore thou criest so loud, can no man else be hard? Chat. Well knave, & I had the alone, I would surely rap thy costard. Baily. Sir answer me to this, is thy head whole or broken? Chat. Yea master Baily, blessed be every good token. Hod. Is my head whole? ich warrant you, 'tis neither scurby nor scald, What you foul beast, does think 'tis either piled or bald? Nay ich thank god, I'll not for all that thou mayst spend, That chad one scab on my arse, as broad as thy singer's end. Baily. Come nearer here. Hod. Yes that ich dare. Baily. By our Lady here is no harm, Hodges' head is hole enough, for all dame Chatte's charm: Chat. By gog's blessed, how ever the thing he clocks or smolders, I know the blows he bore away, either with head or shoulders, Camest thou not knave within this hour, creeping into my pens, And there was caught within my house, groping among my hens? Hod. A plague both on thy hens & thee, a cart whore, a cart, Chould I were hanged as high as a tree, & chware as false as thou art Geve my gammer again her washical thou stole away in thy lap. Gam. Yea master Baily there is a thing, you know not on may hap This drab she keeps away my good, the devil he might her snare Ich pray you that ich might have a right action on her. Chat. Have I thy good old filth, or any such old sows? I am as true, I would thou knew, as skin between thy brows, Gam. Many a truer hath been hanged, though you escape the danger Chat. Thou shalt answer by gods pity for this thy foul slander. Baily. Why, what can ye charge her withal? to say so, ye do not well, Gam. Marry a vengeance to her hart, the whore has stolen my néele. Chat. Thy needle old witch, how so? it were alms thy skull to knock, So didst thou say, the other day, that I had stolen thy Cock, And roasted him to my breastfast, which shall not be forgotten; The devil pull out thy lying tongue, and teeth that be rotten. Gam. Geve me my néele, as for my cock, chould be very loath That chuld here tell be should hang on thy false faith and troth. Baily. Your task is such, I can scarce learn who should be most in fault Gam. Yet shall ye find no other wight, save she, by bred & salt Baity. Keep ye content a while; see that your tongues ye hold, Me thinks you should remember, this is no place to scold, How knowest thou gammer gurton, dame Chat, thy needle had? Gam. To name you sir the party; chould not be very glad Bailie. Yea but we must needs hear it, and therefore say it boldly. Gam. Such one as told the tale, full soberly and coldly, Even he that looked on, will swear on a book, What time this drunken gossip, my fai● long néele up taken, Diccon (master) the Bedlam, I'm very sure ye know him. Baily. A false knave by God's pity, ye were but a fool to trow him, I durst aventure well the price of my best cap, That when the end is known, all will turn to a jape. Told he not you that besides, she stole your Cock that tide? Gam. No master, no indeed, for than he should have lied, My cock is I thank Christ, safe and well a fine. Chat. Yea but that ragged colt, that whore that tib of thine Said plainly thy cock was stolen, and in my house was eaten, That lying cut is lost, that she is not swinged and beaten, And yet for all my good name, it were a small amends; I pick not this gear (hearst thou) out of my fingers ends. But he that hard it told me, who thou of late didst name, Diccon whom all men knows, it was the very same: Baily. This is the case, you lost your needle about the doors, And she answers again, she hase no cock of yours; Thus in your talk and Action, from that you do intent, She is whole five mile wide, from that she doth defend: Will you say she hath your Cock? Gam. No merry sir that I'll not, Baily. Will you confess her needle? Chat. Will I? no sir will I not. Baily. Then there lieth all the matter. Gam. Soft master by the way, Ye know she could do little, and she could not say nay. Baily. Yea but he that made one lie about your cock stealing, Will not stick to make another, what time lies be in dealing. I ween the end will prove this brawl did first arise, Upon no other ground, but only Diccons' lies. Chat. Though some be lies as you belike have espied them Yet other some be true, by proof I have well tried them Bailie. What other thing beside this dame Chat? Chat. Marry sir even this, The tale I tulde before, the self same tale it was his, He gave me like a friend warning against my loss, Else had my hens been stolen, each one, by God's cross. He told me Hodge would come, and in he came indeed, But as the matter chanced, with greater haste than speed. This truth was ●…id, and true was found, as truly I report. Baily. If Doctor Rat be not deceived, it was o' another sort. D. Rat. By God's mother thou and he, be a couple of subtle foxes, Between you and Hodge, I bear away the boxes. Did not diccon appoint the place, where thou shouldst stand to meet him? Ch. Yes by the mass, & if he came, bade me not stick to spit him. D. Rat. God's sacrament the villain knave hath dressed us round about, He is the cause of all this brawl, that dirty shitten lout: When gammer gurton here complained, & made a rueful moan, I heard him swear that you had gotten her needle that was gone. And this to try he further said, he was full loath how be it, He was content small ado, to bring me where to see it. And where ye sat, he saith full certain, if I would follow his read, Into your house a privy way, he would me guide and lead. And where ye had it in your hands, sewing about a clout, And set me in the back hole, thereby to find you out: And whiles I sought a quietness, creeping upon my knees, I found the weight of your door bar, for my reward and fees. Such is the luck that some men gets, while they begin to mell, In setting at one such as were out; minding to make all well: Hogd. Was not well blessed gammer, to scape the scour & chad ben there, Than chad ben dressed be like, as ill by the mass, as gaffer vicar. Baily. Marry sir, here is a sport alone, I looked for such an end, If diccon had not played the knave, this had been soon amend. My gammer here he made a fool, and dressed her as she was, And goodwife Chat he set to scodl, till both parteis, cried alas. And D. Rat was not behind, whiles Chat his crown did pair, I would the knave had been stark blind, if hodge had not his share. Hod. Ch'm meetly well sped already amongst, I'm dressed like a colt And chad not had the better wit, chad been made a dolt. Baily. Sir knave make haste diccon were here, fetch him where ever he be, Chat. Fie on the villian, fie, fie, that makes us thus agree. Gam. Fie on him knave, with all my hart, now fie, and fie again, D. Rat. Now fie on him may I best say, whom he hath almost slain Bailie. Lo where he cometh at kand, belike he was not far, Diccon here be two or three, thy company cannot spare. Dic. God blesss you, and you may be blessed so many all at once, Chat. Come knave, it were a good deed to gled the by cock's bones. Seest not thy handiwork, sir Rat can you forhear him? Dic. A vengeance on those hands life, for my hands come not near him The horsen priest hath lift the pot in some of these alewife's chairs. That his head would not serve him belike, to come down the stairs. Bai. Nay soft, thou mayst not play the knave, & have this language to If thou thy tongue bridle a while; the better mayst thou do. Confess the truth as I shall ask, and cease a while to fable, And for thy fault I promise the, thy handling shallbe reasonable. Hast thou not made a lie or two, to set these two by the ears? Dic. What if I have? five hundred such have I seen within these seven years: I am sorry for nothing else but that I see not the sport, Which was between them when they met, as they themselves report. Bay. The greatest thing master rat, ye see how he is dressed, Dic. What devil need he be groping so deep, in goodwife Chat hens nest Baily. Yea but it was thy drift to bring him into the briers Dic. God's bread, hath not such an old fool wit to save his ears? He showeth himself herein you see, so very cox, The Cat was notso madly allured by the Fox, To run into the snares, was set for him doubtless, For he leapt in for mice, and this sir John for madness. D. Rat. Well and ye shift no better, ye lozel, lither, and lazy, I will go near for this, to make ye leap at a Daisy. In the king's name master Baily, I charge you set him fast, Dic. What fast at cards or on sleep? it is the thing I did last. D. Rat Nay fast in fetter false varlet, according to thy deeds Bailie. Master doctor there is no remedy, I must entreat you needs Some other kind of punishment, D. Rat. Nay by all Halows His punishment if I may judge, shallbe naught 'tis but the gallows Bailie. That were too sore, a spiritual man to be so extreme. D. Rat. Is he worthy any better, sir how do you judge and deam? Baily. I grant him worthy punishment, but by no wise so great. Gam. It is a shame ich tell you plain, for such false knaves entreat He has almost undone us all, that is as true as steel: And yet for all this great add, I'm never the near my néele. Baily. Canst thou not say any thing to that diccon, with least or most: Dic. Yea marry sir, thus much I can say well, the néele is lost. Baily. Nay canst not thou tell which way that needle may be found? Dic. No by my faith sir, though I might have an hundred pound. Hodg. Thou liar lickdish, didst not say the néele would be gitton? Dic. No hodge, by the same token you were at that time beshitten, For fear of Hobgoblin, you wots well what I mean; As long as it is sense, I fear me yet ye be scarce clean. Baily. Well master rat, you must both learn, & teach us to forgeve, Since Diccon hath confession manned, and is so clean shreve, If ye to me consent, to amend this heavy chance, I will enjoin him here some open kind of penance: Of this condition, where ye know my fee is twenty pence, For the bloodshed, I am agreed with you here to dispense; Ye shall go quite, so that ye grant the matter now to run, To end with mirth among us all, even as it was begun. Chat. Say ye master vicar, & he shall sure confess to be your debtor, And all we that be here present, will lobe you much the better. D. Rat. My part is the worst, but since you all hereon agree, Go even to master Baily, let it be so for me. Baily. How sayest thou diccon, art content this shall on me depend? Dic. Go to M. Baily, say on your mind, I know ye are my friend. Baily. Then mark you well, to recompense this thy former action, Because thou hast offended all, to make them satisfaction; Before their faces here kneel down, and as I shall the teach, For thou shalt take an oath of hodge's leather breach, First for master Doctor, upon pain of his curse, Where he will pay for all, thou never draw thy purse: And when ye meet at one pot, he shall have the first pull, And thou shalt never offer him the cup, but it be full. To goodwife chat thou shalt be sworn, even on the same wise, If she refuse thy money once, never to offer it twice. Thou shalt be bound by the same here, as thou dost taken When thou mayst drink of free cost, thou never forsake it: For gammer gurton's sake, again sworn shalt thou be. To help her to her needle again if it dolie in thee, And likewise be bound, by the virtue of that To be of good abering to Gib her great Cat: Last of all for Hodge, the oath to scan, Thou shalt never take him for fine gentleman. Hogd. Come on fellow Diccon, chalbe even with thee now, Baily. Thou wilt not stick to do this Diccon I trow, Dic. No by my father's skin, my hand down I lay it? Look as I have promised, I will not denay it, But Hodge take good heed now, thou do not beshit me. And gave him a good blow on the buttocks. Hodg. God's hart thou false villain dost thou by't me, Baily. What Hodge doth he hurt the or ever he begin? Hodg. He thrust me into the buttocks, with a bodkin or a pin, I say Gammer, Gammer? Gam. How now Hodge, how now? Hodg. God's malt Gammer gurton's. Gam. Thou art mad ich trow. Hodg. Will you see the devil Gammer? Gam. The devil son, god bless us. Hodg. Chould iche were hanged Gammer. Gam. Marry see ye might dress us. Hodg. Chave it by the mass Gammer Gam. What, not my néele Hodge? Hodg. Your needle Gammer, your néele. Gam. No fie, dost but dodge. Hodg. Cha found your needle Gammer, here in my hand be it Gam. For all the lobes on earth Hodge, let me see it. Hadg. Soft Gammer. Gam. Good Hodge. Hodg. Soft ich say, tarry a while. Gam. Nay sweet Hodge say truth, and not me beguile. Hodg. Ch'm sure on it, ich warrant you, it goes no more astray Gam. Hodge when I speak so fair: will still say me nay? Hodg. Go near the light gammer, this well in faith good luck: Chwas almost undone: 'twas so far in my buttock Gam. 'tis mine own dear néele Hogde, sikerly I wots, Hodge Cham I not a good son gammer, I'm I not? Gam. Christ blessing light one thee, hast made me for ever, Hodge Ich knew that ich must find it, else chould a had it never. Chat. By my troth gossip gurton, I am even as glad, As though I mine own self as good a turn had: Baily. And I by my conscience, to see it so cone forth, Rejoice so much at it as three needles be worth. D. Rat. I am no whit sorry to see you so rejoice, Dic. Nor I much the glader for all this noise. Yet say gramercy Diccon, for springing of the game, Gam. Gramercy Diccon twenty times; o how glad cham. If that chould do so much, your masterdom to come hither, Master Rat, goodwife Chat, and Diccon together: Cham but one halfpenny, as far as iche know it, And chill nor rest this night till iche bestow it. If ever ye love me, let us go in and drink, Baily. I am content if the rest think as I think. Master Rat it shallbe best for you if we so do, Then shall you warm you and dressed yourself too. Dic. Soft sirs, take us with you, the company shallbe the more, As proud comes behind they say, as any goes before, But now my good masters since we must be gone, And leave you behind us, here all alone▪ Since at our last ending, thus merry we be, For Gammer Gurton's needle sake, let us have a plaudity. FINIS.