The Tickler TICKLED: OR THE OBSERVATOR Upon the Late Trials of Sir GEORGE WAKEMAN, etc. OBSERVED:  
By MARGERY MASON Spinster.  
LONDON, Printed for A. Brewster, 1679.   

The TICKLER Tickled: OR, The OBSERVATOR upon the Late Trials of Sir GEORGE WAKEWAN, etc. Observed.  
LET no body wonder at this Attempt, as an Argument of overweening, when so many of our Sex are become Statists; but I being nothing Concerned at other Lady's Actions, will only give the Reader, as introductory to my Observations, a short Account of my own Life. I was Placed with a Beautiful Lady of Great Quality about Court, as Superintendant of her Limbecks, Preserving-pans', and Washeses; by which Means, I became the chief Confident, as being privy to all her Intrigues. My Lady passed off her Youthful Years pleasurably enough both to herself, and me; for the Fresh Lovers that flocked daily (to whom my Lady was never hardhearted) were free of their Money, both to herself and Servants; but when my Lady became a little Superannuated, and was forced to send Ambassadors to her former Idolaters, the Case, (as to Money) came to be quite altered; so we lived upon the Spoil, but yet pretty even and even; but her Ladyship at last came to give Boots, than there was no longer Abiding for me; so I thought fit to retire whilst I had some Money, and Beauty left; so accordingly did, into Chancery-Lane, turned Sempstress: where 
— Shop I keep for Countenance  
But— is my Sustenance.  Chaucer.  
And now having a little knack in Book-learning, I diverted myself this dead Vacation time with reading and comparing the late Trials, with the Observations of Captain Ticklefoot, (for why not Captain Ticklefoot as well as Captain Bedloe?) They indeed are too unmannerly upon the Chief Magistrate, for it lays matters too open; they are likewise so rude upon the Ladies that came to attest the Truth, as is not at all suitable to the Generosity of a Chivaleer, for to treat a Lady of Mrs. Ellen Rigbies Quality, with the name of Bitch-Fox, and three penny Baggage, is not at all Vrbane. There were some undecencies about the other Gentlewomen, which are not worth our Confutation; so now I will modestly, as becomes our Sex, examine the whole matter.  
The Detractors indeed do say, which I cannot help, if I was to be hanged, that my Lord C. J. carriage did not seem even, as not at all quadrating with the former Trials. The only way to judge whether the Detractors be Rogues or no, is to lay down matters fairly, as they were transacted in Wakeman's Trial, and compare them with parallel cases in the Trials of the Convicted Persons. But before I fall into the main Business, I must have the other fling at Captain Ticklefoot, who is too severe in reflecting upon a Descent there; I suppose he hath some British Blood in him, and had a Knight to his Ancestor, or is a kin to some body that is a kin to a Lord, he would have had more Wit else, than to have objected against any body what is not in his power to help, he might have remembered that Worthy Saying of Cicero, I had rather be the First than the Last of my Family; as likewise the Brave Achievements of that great man, how he ran down a Plot in his Consulship, Backed by so many of the Patricians, and Chief Nobility, nay, Caesar himself was not free; it was so Backed as the Rebels were able, upon Discovery, to Dispute the Matter by Arms; yet that Mushrom-Orator, that man of no Images, by his own proper virtue brought it to light, and the Traitors to Punishment, notwithstanding that great Abetting▪ Or, he might have remembered, had he read Authors, what that great Capt. Cajus Marius said in his Oration to the People of Rome, when he stood Candidate for General in the Jugurthian Wars, when his want of Nobility was objected against him: Nobilitatem certe Peperisse melius est, quam Acceptam Corupisse; (for Padge hath a Smack at Latin, but let them English it that will.) And I think my Lord C. J. has done his Part as to every thing till of late; and whether well or no now, is to be enquired into by Circumstances. In the Trials of Whitebread and his Fellows, when the Sixteen Witnesses were brought over from S. Omers, to prove Oats in a Lie about the Time of the Consult, his Lordship, I must confess, animadverted very sarcastically upon them, by saying, their Testimony was alike to be believed, though not upon Oath, as if they had been Sworn, because they are of a Religion that can dispense with Oaths, though False, for the sake of a Good Cause. And then Reflecting upon the Nature of the men, he goes on very floridly, and tells the Jury, That they are Proselytes, and young Striplings of their Church, which does indeed, in one respect or other, abuse all her Disciples, and keep them in a blind Obedience to pursue and effect all her Commands: And then going on, says of the Witnesses, That they were young Boys sent for hither on purpose to give this Testimony; and though it be no Fault in the Prisoners to send for what Evidence they could; but it is very doubtful and suspicious to have such green and flexible Minds thus employed▪ and I must leave it to you; Meaning the Jury, to consider how far these Young men, Trained in such Principles, may be prevailed on to speak what is not true.  
And then, altar his Lordship had done what became him by running down the Schoolboys Evidence, makes this as a Natural Inference, That they cannot want Witness to prove what they please; for I believe there is none of them all will make any Bones of it.  
It cannot be said, I must confess, that there was any such pains taken to run down the Credit of the Gentlewomen that came to invalidate Oats his Testimony, upon the account of their Religion, or of their Sex, very prevailable upon to speak what often is not true; for the first was never so much as hinted, nor so much neither as that they were not upon their Oaths, which there was great care taken for in the St. Omers Boys. I must confess, my Lords treating Mr. Oats about the witness Nell Rigby, is a wonder to me; for his words are so plain, that they imply he has lied all this while, and is to be believed no more. 'Tis well observed (says he) that he was a begging there; viz. at Pickering's formerly executed. 'Tis very much that such a man should know of such a Design on foot, and they use him on that manner; and concludes, that that amongst other things was worthy consideration. My Lord was pleased to gallant Mrs. Sheldon and Alice Broadhead at the same rate, by allowing their tale, though it was in the Negative, that Mr. Corker did never officiate as the Precedent of the Benedictines, which made Dr. O●●es his Evidence ineffectual. I must not forget, amongst all, my Lord's great Compliment to the City, which it may be pleased some as much as the Verdict did please others; We have a Bench of Aldermen (says he) have more wit than the Conclave, and a Lord Mayor that is as infallible as the Pope. Now if all these things put together deserve another name than fair practice, I, poor Madge, cannot help it.  
FINIS.   

POSTSCRIPT.  
BUt to come to the Point; here are Three men Indicted for no less than High Treason (for Rumley is to be omitted, the proof against him, being justly allowed to be imperfect) one, for having undertaken (for a base Reward of Money, to have poisoned a great Monarch, his Lawful Prince and Sovereign; a King, and consequently, by virtue of his Office, Sacred in his Person, as being Elevated to the High Dignity of a God upon Earth by the Affirmative of never-erring Scripture itself: or Crime so enormous, so void (to set Religion aside) of those common Dictates of Heathenish Morality, that it was never so remarkably violated) till Judas, and the Murderers of his Father taught the way: A Crime to have been committed against a Majesty, so mild, so tender of enforcing Conscience, so indulgent, that he frequently dispensed with the Rigour of his own Laws, to mitigate their punishment; interposing, in hopes of reclaiming them, between them and the violent prosecution of an incensed Parliament. And yet, for all this, Mercy itself must be assassinated, or poisoned. What can we think, but that men, who dare attempt such ungodly Massacres upon the holy person of a God upon Earth, would not stick for double the Sum, to poison their Creator himself, at the instigation of the Devil, his great Adversary were it within the Verge of their prostituted Recipes? But happy the Gentleman was under the Bonds of Confession. And then, 
Hennam Conringeus, De Rebus Publicis totius Orbis.  Better that all the Kings of the Earth should perish, than that the Seat of Confession should be broken; as Binetus the Jesuit told the Learned Casaubon. Or else the Assertion of that other Jesuit prevailed with him, who averred to the same Casaubon in France, That if Christ were again upon Earth, 
Casaubon in Respub. ad C. Terren.  in a Condition subject to Death, and any one should tell him that he had a Design to kill him, that he would suffer Christ to be murdered, rather than reveal the Confession. Since then the Crime was so considerable, and the Consequences of its being perpetrated, must have proved so fatal to the Nation, it cannot well be thought that an under-sheriff alone was a fit person to be the sole Judge of the probity and Judgement of a Jury that was to pass their Verdict upon a Fact of so much weight, and so dreadful to the very Thoughts of His Majesty's Subjects in the issue of the Success.  
As for the other Two, though their Crimes were not absolutely so great, yet were they heinous enough; they were both privy to the Conspiracy, allowed it, fostered and encouraged it; and were the Raiser's and Contributers of very large Sums towards the carrying it on.  
As for the proof of the Endictments, it was certainly as bright as Summer Sunshine; it is to be feared, too bright to dazzle the Eyes of so many men's Understandings. Then for the Defences of the Prisoners, they were publicly allowed to have been very mean, and that their Cause looked much better before they were heard: which, the Jury (had they not been Adders) might have heard; for it was spoken loud enough. For what signified all their procrastinated Endeavours to shelter themselves under the Scandals and Reproaches which they threw upon the King's Evidence? A Trick they had all used, though not with the same success; and that's one thing that Reason professes herself to puzzled at: For what had the King's Evidence done to render them more Flagitious than they were the former Sessions? Why to be less Credited than before? They had been as deep in the Plot as themselves, 'tis true; but they had reclaimed themselves from their Disloyalty, and by a seasonable Discovery, had Ruined the Villainous Architecture of their Treachery; for which, they had received the King's Pardon; and so being Recti in Curia, were not to be canvased by the foul Mouths of those that laid hold of every Rotten Bough to save themselves. And it was a hard Case that they should stand there as at a Stake, rather to be Baited, than Examined: But suppose them guilty of the Luxuriant Misdemeanours of the Age, what Law is there in any Nation that we know of, that excludes an Adulterer, an Atheist, a Fornicator, or a Drunkard, a Proud, or a Covetous man from giving his Testimony, either in Criminal, or Civil Causes? A man may love Wine, or a Mistress, be vain in his Discourse, cherish his Avarice, or his Ambition, yet loath Conspiracy, Disloyalty to his Prince, and Treachery to his Country. Vicious men are seldom guilty of accumulated Vice; but setting aside the particular Inclination of Nature, are in other things morally Just and Honest, religiously giving to Caesar that which is Caesar's, and abominating the Footsteps of seemingly pious and sober Villainy.  
To reproach their Need and Exigency, was as little to their Advantage: For who, can any man think would do the Drudgery of a Plot, carry Letters, and Portmanteaus from place to place, run from post to pillar, and be at the Beck of Inferior Superiority, but they who had not their fat Benevolences and Rewards to support them? Surely they would not have had the Lords in the Tower have run upon their Errands. Neither could there be a greater Symptom of urging Necessity, than for a man to accept of Money to murder his Prince. Why did not they, that boast so much Sobriety and Sanctity, make the Discovery themselves, and put by these Flagitious Witnesses from having the Hand? Very fine indeed! Clodius accusat Moechos—. As if any but they, who had been as Flagitious as themselves, could have ever discovered their Designs! Would they have had the Protestants Divined them? Would they have had an Angel from Heaven have come on purpose to disclose them? or else would they have had the Evil Spirit of Brutus to have risen a third time? No certainly, they would not have had it revealed at all: But because these persons did reveal it, therefore they must be Flagitious. Fulvia and Sempronia, that revealed the Conspiracy of Catiline, were both Courtesans, and yet they that read the Story, will not find, that either Cicero the Consul, or the Roman Senate gave the less Credit to them for that. The Allobroges, at that time were Suppliants and Petitioners, and yet their Information past. Thus far upon the Supposition that they had been men of a lose Life or necessitous; but here was no such thing: there was not any one of their Accusations or Reflections that they could prove against them. So that Reason, in the second place, admires why there was so much freedom allowed their lavish Tongues; or that men should be so much Moped in their Senses, to be carried away with such a slight stream of false and proofless Suggestions.  
Such Answers as these were not so remote from the quick Apprehensions of men of Business, but that they might easily have been produced to defend the Reputation of the King's Evidence, from the Batteries of men in Despair, that verily believed their Business had been done, and therefore cared not what they said. Certainly some gentle Constellation reigned that day, more tenderhearted than moist S. Swithin, or the weeping Pleyades; or else Mercy and Compassion themselves had some particular pique against Truth, and were resolved to put an Affront upon her. But alas! Clemency had no hand in it.— The Witnesses were Hirelings and Impostors.— But now, Lassa Crudelitas began to grow penitent, and to cry Peccavi for her former Severity which will certainly be the Construction of them that hereafter shall go to play the Causinus' with our Story.  
The next Plea of the Prisoners was, That the Evidence were Strangers to them; and that they had started a New Charge; of which they declared themselves utterly ignorant before the Council. A very strange thing, that the Question should be all of a sudden, whether Familiarity should be necessary for the Conviction of such secret and grand Delinquents? This was rather an Argument of the Truth. For what Motive can any Rational man propose, that should induce persons unacquainted with the prisoners, and consequently, such as could not be thought to have received any personal Injuries from them, out of a propense and studied Malice to seek their Blood? Hopes of Reward— But that's a Scandal that blasphemes the integrity of that Authority which gave the Testimonies countenance to prosecute; that impeaches both the Parliament and Council, as if they were the Rewarders of people to take away the Lives of the Innocent. They saw that apparently there was a Plot, and that there was a Design to take away the King's Life, and had as much reason to believe the Information of Clandestine Poisoning,, as the Private Pistolling. But these Witnesses did know the Prisoners, and had seen them in the Company of the Conspirators, had heard them discourse together of the Design itself, had seen the Acquittance for Receipt of the Money, and that by all the Circumstances of the Discourse, the Money could be paid upon no other account, than to poison the King, which was the thing at that time intended, and the thing then only spoken of. And this was certainly and most unanswerably a knowledge sufficient of the persons, without any necessity that the King's Evidence should be any farther, or more intimately acquainted with him. If a man sees a Thief break a House, it is not to be conceived, that the Witness should be constrained to go and drink a pot of Ale, and enter into a strict League of Friendship with the Felon, before he can accuse him of the Felony.  
As to the other Objection, That the Charge of the King's Evidence was not so ample before the Lords of the Council, as at the Bar of Oyer and Terminer; the Answer of the King's Evidence was very fair and probable; and the Reasons of his Omission, were as credibly Balanced in his behalf, as the Averment against him▪ He was sworn to be in a most weak and feeble condition, being tired by public and eminent Service: And how far the Weaknesses of the Body may disorder the Faculties of the Mind, is not unknown to Vulgar Experience.  
It was enough he charged him at the Bar, charged him home, and backed his Charge with a Reserve of Circumstances sufficiently convincing; and therefore there was no Necessity to aggravate and prosecute such a prime Objection to such an egregious height, as if it had been done on purpose to throw Disgrace and Shame upon Desert, to make way for unseasonable and untoward Compassion.  
This is not the Judgement of a few, but the general Murmur and Complaint, the general Voice of the People; for they are making their Queries in every Coffee House, and cry, Why should one man be hanged for paying five thousand Pound upon a treasonable Account, and another man be acquitted for receiving the same five thousand Pounds, upon Account of the same Treason? Why the same Witnesses should condemn the one for the Payment, and be rejected.  
As to the Receipt, seeing they swear as positively to the one as the other, why the Memory of man should fail at one particular Juncture so remarkably, as to leave out or forget the most Material Points of the King's Evidence? Why the bare Allegations for the Criminals should be so lugged and caressed, and an Oath of spotless Credit for the King, looked upon as a mere Intruder, and passed by with as little Respect? What Necessity or Provocation was given by the King's Evidence to be publicly upbraided with Beggary, upon the slighter Tittle Tattle of an idle thing in Petticoats; How there came to be so much Courtship used toward Corkers two Misses, that their Tale should be so courteously allowed that had neither head nor Tail? Why Matters should be so ill managed, that the King's Witnesses should have Occasion to complain, that his Evidence was not rightly summed up? And wherefore for such a Requisite Piece of Unmannerliness, he should be so severely checked and frowned upon.  
Lastly, What was the meaning of so many Foreign Visits, which, upon what Account soever they were, were then neither prudently nor warily admitted at that time?  
Now though the people ask these Questions, yet, they say, that many of them can answer themselves; or at least, that there are certain david's among them, that can unfold all these Mysteries: but they are so surly, that they cry, They will take their own Time; and so they must, if there be no other Remedy.  
But what have these acquitted Offenders got by this Excuse? 'Tis true, they are acquitted at the Bar of Common Trial, and so have saved their Lives; but they are still as guilty as ever, before the Tribunal of Reason: so that, although they are let lose again into the World, yet 'tis with that indelible Mark of Cain, which at length they will carry to their Graves, after they have only led a Miserable Life, rejected from the Society of all Good men, that are Lovers of their Prince and Country.  
FINIS.