Topsy-turvy, Hey-Down-Derry, OR THE College of Fools DISPLAYED, And their CAPS tossed at TENNIS: In a Jovial Discourse, betwixt Merry Andrew AND Poor Robin.  
In which, with other Varieties; Merry Andrew to the Life discovers the several Humours, Tricks and Devices with which some Folk use to delight themselves.  

This Book's the Racket of Impartial Wit,  
Wise men, nor Fools, cannot avoid their Hit.   
LONDON, Printed for R. C. in Little Britain, 1672.   

A Jovial Discourse betwixt Merry ANDREW and Poor ROBIN.  M. A. 
WHaw, whaw, who do I see? 'Tis my dear Friend Poor Robin, Now by the Tippet of my Grandam, he and I must wet our Whistles together before we part.  P. R. 
Well met Merry Andrew, and How, and How fares it with you, you are grown so proud of late, that you cannot afford your old Friend a Visit; but 'tis no wonder, for I hear you are likely to come to preferment.  M. A. 
To a preferment quoth he, in the name of Rabbi Abraham, what should that be? What, to stand like a Carter with a Whip in myhand, in a pair of Hobnailed Shoes, and patched Breeches, with a high crowned, narrow brimmed Hat on my head, as if I were ordained to fright a way Birds in Seed time from a Neat Garden. What preferment in the name of Garragantua, what preferment? To keep a Primer School in a dark Alley, and to entertain Boarders to learn their Spelling Books at sixteen Pence a Week, and resolve never to pay my Landlord.  P. R. 
Come, come, you are grown modest of late, and blush like a Wench that sees a Bawdy Sight through her fingers purposely spread wide, though she hold them like a Fan before her face, that her impudence may not be discovered: Andrew deny it not, for Fame hath blown her Trumpet, that you are to rise to a Tall Fortune; and that if Runcianello survive a Duel, that he is to fight with Tom Thumb, you are to be his Page, and to wait upon his proper person.  M. A. 
Now out upon thee for a lying Varlet, but hark in your Ear Robin, the People also report (you know how true it is) that you are to change a word in your Name, you will hereafter be called Rich Robin.  P. R. 
I marry, that Name would undo me, for then my Books would not Sell. Rich Robin; how can that be likely? You know Andrew, what an ambition Poets have to drink Sack, and that they have such Holes in the bottoms of their Pockets, that the Money is no sooner in, but it falls out.  M. A. 
Why do you pretend yourself so' ignorant? 'Tis credibly reported, that the Astrologers offer you a Sum of Money to leave off Writing your Satirical true Almanac, that hinders the Sale of their false ones; but take ye advice of Merry Andrew, do not believe them, for you shall never get any Money of them, till the Man in the Moon drinks Claret, and then you and I shall be Aldermen.  P. R. 
With this strange News of your own inventing, you think Andrew to transport me, as you do your Learned Auditory, when you bid them make haste in, for you begin presently, though it be an hour after, if that your Puppet House do not fill according to your expectation; but this Truth I shall acquaint you with is above your Fictions. The Empirics and Mountebanks in Moor Fields, resolve to keep a Holiday every Year, for joy of the death of their Contemporary Dr. Trigg, the Quondam Shoemaker, whose Practice they have now engrossed to themselves, so that they are in a Way to thrive for the future, and not to be behindhand above three quarters of a year for their Rent, and are likely in time to set up Scaffolds, where you may again show your impudent face, and play the Knave and the Fool, as pleasantly as ever you did before, and be better paid for your acting of both, so completely at one time. But now let us leave off our Drolling for a while, shake hands, and be more serious, for you and I must compare Notes together of higher concernment; in this Town of Enfield, in which we now are, Smug the Smith, called the Merry Devil of Edmonton used to play his Pranks; I am acquainted at the House where Old Joan did live, and there we shall be sure to have the best Merry, go down in all the Town.  M. A. 
Content, let's in, I dare take thy word for good Liquor, for thou art a true Trojan, and a most Intelligent Goodfellow.  P. R. 
To the House where are you? James, how dost thou do, I and my Friend Merry Andrew, are come to quaff your most transcendent Ale, bring us some Pipes of your Trinidado; well done, here's to thee Andrew, with a Heart and a half, as they use to say, as poor Folks get Children.  M. A. 
I'll pledge thee Robin, though it were a mile and a half to the new bottom of the profundity, here's an Upsie-freeze to thee, be an honest fellow now, and do me Justice, well drawn, 'tis lawful Practice.  P. R. 
Now, prithee what's the best News from Tripilo?  M. A. 
Why dost thou ask me for News, when thou thyself conversest with the Stars (and according to thy way of Writing in thy Almanac) art a jovial Register of the affairs of the World? But before we fall into any further Discourse of News, in the Name of Mercury tell me, how such an Antipathy was first raised betwixt you and the Astrologers?  P. R. 
I shall willingly, on condition that you will also resolve me of such Questions, as I shall ask you.  M. A. 
With all my Heart, Chatechise me, and I will not fail, I'll warrant thee, to Chatechise thee again.  P. R. 
I know of no other difference betwixt the Astrologers and I, than what happened almost to me as it did to Priapus, who having discovered a couple of Witches, at their Midnight Tricks, let such a Crack backwards, that he frighted them away. The truth is, I was somewhat vexed, that a Fellow should pretend to know things by the Stars, yet be ignorant who made him a Cuckold, know nothing themselves, and yet make promises of Miracles beyond all things of Soothsaying, and nevertheless be so fortunate as to meet with People, that should be so simple as to believe them, who are such a pitiful sort of sublime Mercurial Cheats, and so confident in their Knavery, that they do call one another as familiarly, when they are private amongst themselves, Cheats, as we say Your Worship. They can tell you forsooth of Things Lost, but when? When they themselves have stolen them, and that they and their Confederates are in danger of being apprehended for them. I will inveigh no more at this time against them, next year have at them again in my New, True Almanac: I shall for the present only assure you thus much, That an old Woman in Spain, for the Women there, (the Practice is so common make Almanacs) one of those Beldames from the scratching of her Breech can conjecture the Wether better than they can from all their Stargazing and the fallibility of their Ephemeris: Now Merry Andrew (because we will lose no more time, so vainly spent in discoursing of them) deal so plainly with me, as to acquaint me, why you take such an indifferent Employment on yourself (that as I said before) one can hardly distinguish, whether you are more Fool or Knave, but for a Wit, all that are in their Wits, must let you pass.  M. A. 
Honest Robin, you shall have the downright truth (as they use to say) without either Welt or Guard, my chiefest inducement, is to woo the fair Lady Pecunia to be my Mistress, whom (you that are a Poet) know very well to be a singular Friend upon all occasions, for which reason also you consult so merrily the Stars; And though I am not ignorant of what the World talks of me, and what a bad report Folly hath got even among the most foolish, yet (as you have merrily said) I am not altogether to be reputed to be numbered amongst such; and if I had no more Arguments but this one, it might pass for sufficient, that there must be something more than ordinary in this Head-piece, or Minerva of mine, since I can so easily make Fools of others: And for my Face, call it Brass, or what you please; I 〈◊〉 sooner order, and set it in a right form for my Drollery, and do but step on the Stage to show myself to my full Assembly, (but as if I were another Tarleton) they all put on a new kind of unwonted pleasantness, and join together in a Frolic and hearty Laughter to give me an Applause, whereas before they were as lumpish, and as pensive, as if they had consulted with an Oracle, which had told them of a bad Fortune; so that if they do but behold me, they have in an instant got another Countenance, and as I vary mine merrily, furiously, or sadly, I make Mimics of them; So that (as I have heard Scholars say) what your great Rhetoricians, with their tedious and studied Orations effect, I have done it at once with my single Look. And now Poor Robin, since I have so largely acquainted you, with what Wonders I can do upon the Crowd with my Face, after I have starched, and put it into a set form, since you are a reputed Schollard (as People use to say) God might have made us all, I desire to know how you fancy your Readers with the Rhetoric of your words.  P. R. 
Indeed Merry Andrew, I have for the most part lived near Cambridge, but I never Commenced there; Notwithstanding, I shall endeavour to satisfy your request so far as I can, concerning the abuse of Language, of which I am persuaded that the singularity, or marvelous fineness of speaking of words troubleth the greatest part of the World, as I shall instance to you their cripledness, and how they halt several ways, and corrupt the Language, that they have the Capacity freely given them for to exercise, who show that they have more Wit in their Hands, than they have in their Heads; for that they will endeavour to counterfeit a new kind of Speech; which sort of fantastical, conceited People, are questionless but a form above those that read strange Lectures, and speak such unstudied Orations, as they do that are in the College of Fools; of which Institution Andrew, I hear your worthy Practice may raise you higher in your Office, so that you may come to be Precedent, that all will be in your power, to put in whom you please, therefore I shall leave those whom I shall exemplify to your Censure, to do what your Gravity shall think fit with them. And now I will acquaint you with the manner of speaking of these conceited Coxcombs, some of them speak as if they were matching of their Words, as Fletcher's do Arrow Heads to their Shafts; others speak as though their words were hidebound in their mouths, as if they wanted a Mash of Liquorice; or Raisins of the Sun to lose their Tongues. Others keep their Mouths shut up a long while, to make their words strong and forcible, on purpose to shoot Bird-boults. Others speak so scornfully, as though they bought their words by wholesale, and were too good to retail them again. Others speak 〈◊〉 words so thick, that you must of necessity tarry the chewing of them,  you can conceive what they say. Others speak with such a Grace of Moral Sentences and Phrases, that you would think that they eat no other Meat but Apothegms and Dictionaries. Others keep a School of good Manners in their Mouths, every word giving back to have the other go before. Others are as dainty of their words, as if they bought them by the Haverdupois, and would keep them till a Dear Year, that they might utter by Troy and grand Weight. Others speak such Brackish and Pickled words, that they are fain to lay them a watering in the Foam of their Mouths,  they can utter them. Others speak such High and Lofty words, that they are forced to set open the broad Gate of their Mouths, for the Wicket is too little for their larded words to come out at. Others speak as if there were more Vowels than Consonants. Others speak so short, as if their words were compounded of the same Does, that the newfound Medicine of the Madams is of, for the toothache. Others speak as if they were Sacrificing their words, and intended to quarter them with their Teeth, as they come out of their Mouths; those are such as their Words are never better than their Deeds, into such you must dig deep to find out their meaning. Others have such bouncing words, which scent so strongly from their Lungs, that those that have the Falling Sickness had not need to stand in their way. Others speak so holily, as if St. Antholin's every Morning's Lectures were up again, or as if their words were Orisoned with St. Helen's Beads, such make faces, and draile and tell their words whilst they utter them; you must ever take heed of them, for they are for the most part bored through the midst with Hypocrisy. Others speak as if they had eaten all their Meat at the Mill Door, and had scraped their words out of the Mault-dust, such when they should speak, fall a Cackling. Others speak Forked words, as if they shot them out of a Cross-Bow, 'tis dangerous for a Tame Beast to meet with such. Some speak as Leisurely as if they tarried for a Wind to bring their words from Frankford Mart, where if the Exchange prove good, you shall be sure of a Banquet of conceited Fancies. Others speak such spangled words, that you would think they had them all at the Embroiderers, for they spare for bestowing no Cost on them. Others speak such Odoriferous, Provocative words, that you would imagine them to be made of Ambergeeses: when such open their Mouths all the Coast is perfumed, as it was when Cleopatra Breathed on Anthony, this Scent is strong enough to make a Nun break out of a Cloister. Others tell a Tale, as if they were making of a Bridge of Words betwixt Lambeth Marsh and Greenwich Park. Others speak as if they had a Mint going in their Mouths, and only wanted a Stamp to Figure their words. Others speak as if their words were made of Wild Hops, such men's Tongues run always posting, and their Wits come halting after three spits and a stride; such a Wit Will Summer had, King Henry the Eights Jester, and such a one, no disparagement to you, you may have (for aught I know) my Merry Friend Andrew. Thus having satisfied your Request, now give me leave to ask you this Question, Why do you abuse yourself so as to appear in so strange a Dress?  M. A. 
Lend me your Ears Robin, and I'll tell you, not those Ears that you carry to Church with you, when you go so seldom thither, (I mean) those you carry on Worky days abroad with you, such as are wont to be pricked up to Jugglers; Fools, Buffoons, and Jack Puddings of my Trade, such as our Friend Midas once gave to Pan; and now I'll Inform you: What is all this Life but a kind of a Comedy (though some men's Parts are more Tragical than others) do not men walk often up and down in other men's disguises, and so act their respective Parts, till the Property Man brings them back to the Tiring House; he that had the Robes of a King, puts on the Rags of a Beggar. Thus are all things represented by the Counterfeit, and yet without this there were no Living, though by my Troth, I myself, when I look upon my strange Attire, though I set my Countenance against it, can hardly abstain from Laughter, which renders me more than a little confident that in that strange Mode I please the People, through whom with a Periwig, in better Clothes, I make my Escape; for otherwise they would stop, and stare upon me as if I were an Owl, or crowd me to death, if they did not tear off my Limbs (were they lose) to go with them to the Alehouse or the Tavern.  P. R. 
You have answered me this Quere, but if I may presume so far, I shall seriously request you, my dear Andrew, to acquaint me with some part of your Education.  M. A. 
This is the only Question I have hitherto disliked from you, as I shall not go about to define what I am, I shall only say (according to the old Proverb) that he that lives furthest from his Neighbours, may praise himself: I came of honest sufficient Parents, not such as the Undutiful Spaniard Lazerillo speaks of at the beginning of his Book: And please your Worships, my Father was a Miller, and my Mother a Bawd, and for my Education as to Learning, it had been better, if I had not played the Truant, when I should have gone to School. Thus Robin, being born, I believe there's few will think, that I did begin the World as other Children usually do, with crying; which if I did, it was so Low, that no body heard me: For I strait perched up, and smiled upon my Mother, and have continued Laughing ever since, and made others merry; but if you should demand of me, who they are, I shall tell you plainly; that it would be as simple a Question as this you asked me last; and if you have a mind to know who my followers are that you so often perceive about me, you are not in the least the likelier, to be the wiser for me.  P. R. 
Here's, (Merry Andrew) a whole slash to you, bring another Pot here, I hope you are more yourself, than to take Exceptions at a Question, that I meant nothing but harmless mirth in the ask of it, if you do you know your place best in the College of Fools.  M. A. 
Here's to you again, the same measure, no by St. Hugh's bones, the Shoemakers Patron, not I in the least.  P. R. 
I'll take your word for it, and venture further upon your good Disposition, Let me embrace you Andrew.  M. A. 
And I you Robin, we begin to be merry about the Gills, I could sing, Fishes that Tipple in the Deep  P. R. 
As I love this arm-ful of Flesh, so I have a care of your Soul:— Before you sing out your merry Ditty, What think you of the Lawfulness of your Profession?  M. A. 
I do take it to be as Lawful as yours, of making of Almanacs and merry Books, which I will vindicate, and when I have done, I'll be so civil to you, as not to put you to the trouble for your own Apology; for if I clear mine, yours may pass , without any danger of Canonshot.  P. R. 
I shall not fail Andrew, to prick up my Ears, and attend your Discourse with my most serious thoughts.  M. A. 
Then have at it, (as they use to say, Tooth and Nail.) Howsoever, as the Holy Longing Sister for Pig in Bartholomew Fair, desired of the Elder, her Brother Busy; I will endeavour to make this Case of Conscience, as Lawful as possibly I can. First then, tell me what part of a Man's Life is that, that is not pensive and unpleasant, unless it be seasoned with Pleasure, that is to say, Folly? For according to the old Proverb, Folly is the only thing that keeps Youth at a stay, and Age afar off; and many are so far from being Wise, that they delight to be worshipped with Sports and Gambols, so provident hath the great Parent of Mankind, Nature, been; that there should not any thing be without this mixture or seasoning of Folly; to be given up to the will of our passions, that the Life of Man might not be altogether disconsolate. So that as I have shown that from Mirth the chief delight of Man springs, insomuch, that some, if they can find no occasion for Laughter, they hire Parasites, Flatterers, Fools, or Jesters, whose ridiculous discourse might put by the crabbedness of the more serious Employments of their Minds, in their transactions of weighty Affairs: For to what purpose were it to clog our Stomaches with Dainties, Junkets, and the like stuff; unless our Eyes, and Ears, nay our whole Minds were likewise entertained with Jests, Merriments and Laughter to delight them? to Effect which for their better diversion many of the most serious and studious persons accustom themselves to see Comedies, and the more airy sort of people that have less Wit, and less Money visit me, and see Puppet Plays. For the greatest part of Mankind are Fools, and there is not one, that dotes not in many things. In fine, Mirth is so necessary to make up all Society and manners of Life, both delightful and lasting; that otherwise neither would the People long endure their Governors, nor the Wife her Husband, nor the Master his Footman, nor the Servant his Master, nor the Scholar his Tutor, nor any Friend one another. But now Robin, perhaps you think I have said all, but you shall (as briefly as I can express them) hear of greater things. Melancholy Men are the soon exhaust with study, their thin cold bloods have scarce any Spirits lest; the Doctors may give them Physic to no other purpose than to Kill them, whereas 'tis want of Mirth that they perish for, which I, and those of my Profession can fill their Minds with; they shall have fine. Toys, Crotchets, Fancies, and Jollities in their Heads, and those too without any trouble, and for little or no cost, their Spirits shall be revived and made sprightly as it were with delicious Wine that drives away care and raises a pleasant flavour after it; thus you see Robin, we leave the Doctors so many miles behind us, save the Lives of those that their Physic would only murder, and if so, questionless, that Profession may plead itself to be Lawful, that is so great a maintainer and preserver of Life. And now tell me Robin, thou wise Fool, with how many trouble some cares this Life is perplexed; with Duns, Ale house Scores, etc. and then thou wilt be sensible from how many Evils I deliver my Fools; who are merry, play, sing, dance, and laugh themselves out of breath at me, living and sustaining themselves wheresoever they come, upon the scraps of my Mirth and Jovial Wit, as the Gods have bestowed me on them, to refresh the pensiveness of their Lives. Dixi, I have said.  P. R. 
In troth, Merry Andrew, you have ranged successively, though very far in the Classis of Folly; which is so large and universal, that I must confess (as you hinted by the buy) that I scarce know, any one in all mankind that is wise at all hours, or hath not some tang or other of madness, with this difference only, that if one mistake a Woman for a Weathercock, that he be ipso facto, pronounced Mad. Now, if your Wit will permit you, distinguish what difference you make betwixt the Prerogative of Wisemen and Fools.  M. A. 
I shall immediately resolve you. I'll instance it to you in one that hath spent his Youth, in Learning the Sciences, and lost the sweetest part of his Life in Watch, Cares, Studies; and for the remaining part of it, never so much as tasted the least Pleasure, ever sparing, sad, sour, unjust, rigorous and troublesome to himself, hateful to others, broken with Paleness, Leanness, Crasiness, sore Eyes, and old Age, and Death contracted before his time, though yet, what matters it when he dies, that never lived: And such is the Picture of this great Wise Man, and what is this but Folly, or the next degree to Madness. Robin, if you'll give me leave, I'll put him into our College.  P. R. 
I shall not yet give my Consent, proceed.  M. A. 
I thus march on, Wisemen have so little to do, unless it be with Poverty, Hunger, and Chimney corners; that they live such deglected, unknown, hated Lives, that they are taken very little Notice of; whereas the Fool's pockets chink with Money, and flourish every where: The greatest wisdom is to know when, and where to counterfeit the Fool; and it is a pleasant thing to counterfeit the Fool in the right season. Again, take notice of this Blessing that Nature hath bestowed on Fools, that they are the only plain, honest men. A Fool walking by the way, being a Fool himself, supposes all to be Fools like him, so that he will speak truth, and the same thing, which if it came out of a Wise man's mouth, might prove a Capital Crime, spoken by him is received with delight: For Truth carries with it a certain peculiar way of pleasing; and for such a kind of Reason it is, that Women are so much delighted with such kind of Men, as being more propense by nature to Pleasure and Toys; and whatsoever they happen to do with them, although it be none of the most seriousest, or modest action of their Lives, yet they know how to turn it to a Jest or Laughter, as that Sex is quickwitted, and especially to colour their own faults.  P. R. 
Indeed, Merry Andrew, I always took you for a Woman's Man, but (as I told you before) for no Fool; though I question not but you may be as well furnished as any of them.  M. A. 
Hang yourself, for one of Erra Pater's disinherited Bastards. But to proceed; How happy are Fools! who when they pass over this Life with a great deal of pleasantness, and without so much as the fear or sense of Death, they go strait forth into the Elysian Fields, to recreate their careless Souls with such sports as they used here.  P. R. 
But prithee Andrew tell me how thou camest by this knack of pleasing the People?  M. A. 
Easily, the great Beast the People are led away with Fabulous inventions and Fopperies, they are naturally inclined to please themselves; and as they have the Mint, I have the Stamp: There are those amongst them that will laugh though at the death of their Father, and not without reason; for than they begin to live, by having gotten an Estate, without which Life is but a kind of Death. I am almost out of breath; let it suffice that some people are taken with a foolish self-love, with which every one for the most part flatters himself: It is just as if a man were eating of rotten Stockfish, if he likes it as well as Sturgeon; and as if a man had a crooked ill-favoured Wife, if in his Eye she stands in competition with Venus, is she not the same to him as if she were truly beautiful; why they admire me, they know a reason for it best themselves, I use my best endeavour to please them, like the Camelean, I change to every Colour, altar my Shapes, vary my Postures, change my Countenance, condescend to their Humours, and tickle their Spleens with a continued Laughter; Faith, if they hissed at me, I know my own deserts, and am resolved to applaud myself, and not a Figgs end to value their displeasures, which are often won with an Apple, and as often lost with a Nut.  P. R. 
Merry Andrew, by what you have expressed, may easily be discerned what a dearth there is of Wisemen, if such are to be found, and though the Greeks tell us of Seven, yet so help me Hercules to drink off this full Pot to thee, as I'll be hanged if they were examined narrowly, if there were to be found one half-witted fellow, or so much as a quarter of a wise Man amongst them all, but only such as are fit, having taken their Degrees, to be turned into your College of Fools or mad men, and since (as you have said) you have run yourself out of breath with this Discourse, pledge me, and I'll take up the Cudgels for you a short time, as I am so much of your side for what I have already heard from you as to be convinced by your Arguments. I'll instance what I do intent to express (if you please now and then to reply to me) in a few particulars. Tell me I beseech you, what man in his right wits, would submit his Neck to the Noose of Wedlock, if as a wise man should, he did but first weigh the inconveniency of the thing? Or what woman is there would ever go to ●t, did she either consider the peril of Childbearing, or the trouble of bringing them up? she that hath once tried what it is, would she be so mad do you think, to make a second adventure? But Merry Andrew, what's your opinion of Matrimony? when I have heard it, I will enlarge my Discourse.  M. A. 
Next to the meaning of matter of Money, as the word by the Learned (as they say) is originally taken, I am of opinion that it is no other than in truth, an inseparable Conjunction of Life: Good God what Divorces, or what not, worse than that, were it not for that tye, would daily happen? and were not the converse betwixt a Man and his Wife supported and cherished by Flattery, Apishness, Ignorance and Dissembling; whoop holiday! how few Marriages should we have? And if the Husband should but throughly examine, how many Tricks his little pretty Map of Modesty, and Virgin as he believes, hath played before she was married; how few of them would hold together, did not most of their cunning actions escape the Husband's knowledge, through his neglect or sottishness: And for this also they are beholding to Andrew, by whose means it is, that the Husband is so pleasant to his Wife, and the Wife to the Husband, so that the whole Household is kept in quiet.  P. R. 
But what think you, Andrew, when a man is laughed at, and called Cuckold, and I know not what; when seeing the Whore his Wife weeping, he licks up her tears? But how much happier is it to be thus deceived, than being troubled with Jealousy, not only for the poor man to torment himself, but to set all things in a hubbub? do him also that civility, Andrew, as to put him into your College of Fools.  M. A. 
With all my heart, in with him; and tell me, Robin, what higher Letters of Recommendation have Women to Men, than their own Folly? For what is it, that the Men (as foolish as they are) do not permit them to do? and to what other purpose than that of Pleasure? wherein yet their Folly is not the least thing that pleaseth; which how true it is, I think no one will deny, that doth but consider with himself, what foolish Discourses, wanton Tricks, and odd Gambols pass betwixt the Man and his Wife, as oft as he hath a mind to be gamesome.  P. R. 
But there are some, Merry Andrew, that will say, and those too like us, none of the youngest, that they have a greater kindness to the Pot than the Petticoat, and place their chiefest pleasure in Good-fellowship, if there can be any great Entertainment without a Woman at it. But what, is not the Author and Parent of all our Love, Cupid, as blind as a Beetle, and as with him all Colours agree; so from him it is, that every one likes his own Sweeterkin best; that an Old Man dotes on his Old Wife, and a Boy on a Girl: These things are not only done every where, but laughed at too; yet, as ridiculous as they are, they make Society pleasant, and (as it were) glue it together. But when Women know themselves to be Beautiful, and are admired for it, what Tyranny do they then exercise even upon Tyrants themselves? when their Cheeks are plump and smooth, their Voices small, and their Skins soft, as if they imitated a certain kind of perpetual Youth. Again, what greater thing do these Females wish in their whole Lives, than that they may Coke and please the Men? for, to what other purpose are all those Dresses, Curl, Slops, Perfumes, and those several little tricks of Setting their Faces, Painting their Eyebrows, Smoothing their Skins,— and so to the end of the Chapter.  M. A. 
Now, by this Liquor I drink to thee, Robin, thou hast set the Women forth pretty well. But for as much as some men are born to the business of the World more than others; that they may the better manage it, if they will take Andrew's Counsel, I will give them this Advice; That they choose a Wife, that is a silly thing, (God wots) and foolish, yet a little wanton, and pleasant; by which means the roughness of the Masculine temper is seasoned, and sweetened by her Folly: For, if perhaps any of them goes about to be thought wiser than the rest, what else doth she do, but play the Fool twice? as it is a thing quite against the Hair, according to the Proverb, An Ape is an Ape, though clad in Scarlet; so a Woman is a Woman still, that is to say, Foolish, let her put on what Vizard she will. But by the way, I hope that Sex is not so foolish altogether, as to take any offence at' me, for I must now and then play the Rogue a little with them; and they know well enough what Andrew is, that he is a Merry Fellow, and that's the worst that they can say of me.  P. R. 
But I think it will be high time now, Andrew, to set open the Colledge-door, that the rest of the Fools may go in together. I'll describe some other sorts of them to you, and refer the rest to your own disposure. There are many. that are unwilling to leave this Life, when according to the account of Destiny, this Life hath left them, who by how much the less reason they have to Live, by so much the more they desire it, Bald, Nasty, Crumps, Toothless, wanting their Baubles, yet so delighted with Life, that to be thought Young, one dies his Grey Hairs, another covers his Baldness with a Periwig, another gets a set of new Teeth, another sals desperately in Love with a young Wench, and keeps more flickering about her, than a Young man would have been ashamed of: For to see such an Old crooked piece, with one foot in the Grave, to Marry a plump Wench, with no other Portion than Horns that she is to graft for him. But the best sport of all is to see our Old Women, even dead with Age, and such Skeletons, one would think that they had stolen out of their Graves, yet ever mumbling in their mouth, that Life is sweet, and as Old as they are, still caterwauling; to which purpose they spare no costs to purchase some young Stallion, daily Plastering their Faces, scarcely ever from the Glass, laying out their shrivelled and lank Breasts, counterfeiting the trembling of a young Wench for to provoke the Appetite, Gossipping, Dancing, and writing of Love-Letters; yet this Dotage they conceit better, than according to the Proverb, to take a Halter and Hang themselves: No, they thank you hearty, they are resolved for to Live till the World is weary of them.  M. A. 
By St. Winifrid, Robin, thou hast described a rare Crew of them, but these last are fit for the Hospital than for the College; but since they have a fancy to continue to be more Fools in their Old age, than ever they were in their Youth, it will be very proper to put them in to the rest. But our-Hour-glass is almost out, and therefore it will be high time for us to wind up our Bottoms. Here's to you: I'll now tumble them in one after another into the College as fast as I can, and to that purpose briefly mention them. One is a Mourner, and how foolishly he carries it? he, forsooth, hires others to bear him company, to make the Funeral the more ridiculous. I said I was in haste, yet can I not pass by them, who though they differ nothing from the poorest Cobbler, yet it is hardly credible how they flatter themselves with the meanest Title of Nobility; one derives his. Pedigree from Aeneas, another from Brutus, a third from the Star by the Tail of Ursa major; they'll show you on every side the Statues and Pictures of their Ancestors, run over their Great Grandfathers of both Lines, and the ancient Matches of their Families; when they themselves are but one remove from a Statue, if not worse than those Trifles they do so boast of; and yet by the means of their Self-love they live a pleasant life. Those Merchants also may be ranked and filled with the rest, who dare to venture on any thing, be it never so dishonest, and manage it no better; who though they Lie by no rate or allowance, Swear, and Forswear, Cousin and Cheat, yet shuffle themselves into the First Rank, though in a short time they kick up their heels, (as a Fish turns up her belly before she dies) Break, and turn Bankrupt. And then for the Gamesters, they may be admitted into the College; who do no sooner hear the rattling of the Dice, but their Hearts leap and dance again; till time after time, they are so far drawn in with the hopes of Winning, till they have made shipwreck of All. There are also those that leave their Wives and Children at home, out of pure devotion, to go to Rome, or to Jerusalem, or in Pilgrimage to St. James, or to the Lady of Loretto's Shrine; where they have no business, but only to show their Fools-faces to the cheating Priests. Into this College also are they to be put, who in their life-time appoint with what Solemnity they will be Buried; and particularly set down how many Torches, how many Mourners, and how many Singers, how many Almesmen they will have at it; as if they had any sense after they are dead of what their Executors are resolved to do, who perhaps will be so thrifty, as to save some of that Charge into the bargain for themselves. There are others too, that are Rich only in Conceit; who while they fancy to themselves pleasant Dreams, conceive that enough to make them Happy: Some desire to be accounted Wealthy abroad, and yet are ready to Starve at home; and another rakes it up together by right or wrong; this man is ever labouring for public Honours, and another lies sleeping in the Chimney-corner: A great many undertake endless Suits, and outvie one another, who shall most enrich the Lawyer: One is all for Innovations, and another for some great State-project, he knows not what. There are also a kind of Pythagoreans, with whom all things are so common, that if, they get any thing under their Coats or Cloaks, they make no more scruple of carrying of it away, than if it were their own by Inheritance. One turmoils himself about other men's Business, and neglects his own; Another spends all he can rap and rend on his Belly, to be the more hungry after it; another thinks there is no Happiness, but in Sleep and Idleness; another imagines himself rich in Taking up of Moneys, and changing Securities, as we say, Borrowing of Peter to pay Paul; and in a short time runs his head into a Prison: another starves himself to enrich his Heir; another for a small and uncertain Gain, exposes himself to the calamities of the Seas another had rather get riches by War, than live peaceably at home, and some there are that think them easiest attained, by courting of Old, Rich, Childish Men with Presents; and others by making Old Women believe that they Love them: You shall have one weep over his Mothers-in-law Grave; another prostitutes his Wife; another's Jealousy keeps more Eyes on her than Argus; Here's one desperately sick of Love with a young Wench, and the more she sleights him, the more outrageously he loves her; another marries a Woman's Money, and not herself. Had I a Hundred Tongues, as many Mouths, and a Voice never so strong, yet were I not able for to run over the several sorts of Fools, so thick they swarm every where.  P. R. 
Merry Andrew, here's again to you a hearty-go-down; we will take the other Pipe, and then (as you said) it will be high time to break up School: give me leave therefore in brief to say, that if a Man like Menippus of old, could look down from the Moon, and behold those innumerable Ruffling of Mankind, he would think he saw a swarm of Flies and Gnats quarrelling amongst themselves, fight, laying Traps, (or rather trapanning one another,) snatching, playing, wantoning, gaming, etc. Nor is it to be believed, what stirs, what broils this little creature Man raiseth; yet in how short a time doth War or some other Judgement sweep off Thousands of them together!  M. A. 
Poor Robin, you have spoken the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, and So help you God. Here's a parting-cup to you, with which I will conclude our Discourse; or else let me be altogether foolish myself, and such a one as jovial Democritus may not only laugh, but flout at, if I go one foot further in the Discovery of the Madness and Follies of the Common People, 'tis enough they are in the College; I will only turn the Key upon them; I'll warrant them in safe custody, for I dare to pass my word there is not one of them, if the door were open, would make an escape.  P. R. 
I'll give you an undeniable reason for that, because they are in their own Paradise; Merry Andrew I'll pay the Shot.  M. A. 
You shall excuse me, Robin, for this bout, the next time we meet you shall deposit; all's paid. Now give me thy Paw, Poor Robin, I must steer my course to London. Farewell.  P. R. 
And I to Saffron-Walden Merry Andrew, Farewell.  
FINIS.