A Trip to Ireland, BEING A DESCRIPTION OF THE Country, People and Manners: As also some Select OBSERVATIONS ON DUBLIN.  
Printed in the Year, 1699.   

The Preface.  
SINCE Observations of the same Nature with those which follow, have prevailed of late for a general Approbation; and it has been more acceptable to the Reader to make Inquiries into the Imperfections of the People which have given Being to the Papers under his Perusal, than to search after their Excellencies and survey their Beauties; I could not but think it adviseable to gratify his Palate, and consult my own Interest, in presenting him with the following Remarks. And as two other Authors (viz. those of the Trips to Jamaica and Holland) have given him the sight of Monsters of a Foreign Growth, and one of 'em under no dependence on the English Government; so I have now removed the Scene, and brought my Farce to be acted in a Country which Dr. Molineux, a late Writer, would insinuate to be independent on the British Nation, tho' reduced by Force of Arms to acknowledge her Conquest. If Teigue can but please as well as Myn-Heer, the Bookseller has gained his Aim, the Author his, and the Reader more than He could expect, since in drawing the Picture of a Dutch Man he might have thought Nature had been exhausted of all her Deformities. But Michael Angelo's Cardinal in his representation of the Day of judgement is a Beauty to an Irish Man, who tho' he does not look with the same Horror for his Crimes as his Diabolical Eminence, yet takes Pains to merit the same Punishment; and it's enough to send one in Search of the Parish-Register to know the Truth of his Nativity, if one of the meaner sort of this People happens to be suspected of Honesty.  
As for the Nobility, who are generally sprung from English Parentage, here are those who are renowned for their Valour, admired for their justice, and esteemed for their Wisdom; and we have seen those Things performed by the present Duke of Ormond, and the Earl of Arran his Grace's Noble Brother, which have been the admiration of this Age, as they will command the Wonder of the Times which succeed. But Panegyric is not my Business; and I who am to give such a Description of Ireland, as should make my Reader laugh at its Inhabitants, should not dwell on two such Instances in its Commendation, unless I would be laughed at myself.  
To go on therefore with my Subject, and persuade the Buyer as much as I can that he has a very good Bargain, and enough in Conscience for his Money; here are the Vices of all Nations practised by those People, who have not Wit enough to know but what they are solely of their own Growth, and who if they should chance to be told by some one among 'em that can read, that other Nations are guilty of the same Sins, would bite their Nails off but they would find out some less common Road to Damnation. In short, that I mayn't make the Porch too big for the House, and that the Reader may not expect more Matter than I can afford him; in order to proportion the Treatise to the Preface, I shall have said as much as I design, if I tell him, That the People of the Kingdom I give him the Description of, have the Cruelty of a Spanish Inquisitor, the Lechery of an Italian, the Levity of a French Man, the Cowardice of a Savoyard, the Perfidiousness of a Scotch Man, the Ignorance of a Muscovite, the rebellious Temper of a Dutch Man, and the Pride of— themselves; and if all this Bundle of Vice won't content him, let him show me so many Virtues in practice among 'em, and he shan't ask me twice to be satisfied.   

A Trip to Ireland.  
BEfore I enter into the Character of the People, it will not be improper to acquaint my Reader with the Motives which induced me to make Observations upon 'em, since I who am about to give him an account of others, may perhaps b● expected to give some account of myself. Let it therefore sufficee if I tell him, the same Curiosity which leads him to the perusal of these Remarks, prevailed upon me to make 'em; And as I am not arrived to the years of those Men, who think no Country deserving of their Notice, but that in which they were born, so my Inclinations are wholly different from theirs. In short, I was forced to make a loose from Old England, and since I had no green Turf of my own to tread upon, in it, I was resolved to set Sail for a place, whither few, but those in the same condition with myself, would direct their Course.  
And as it was not impossible but I might recover the esteem of my Friends, which I had unhappily lost; so I was resolved against my coming again into favour, to furnish myself with some Story or other to entertain their Maids with, like other young Travellers, in order to continue in their esteem. For it's as common now, for an insinuating Servant to alienate a Mother's affection from her Son, or a Sisters from her Brother, as it is for 'em to lie with their Masters, or wear their Mistresses old clothes.  
Pursuant to to these Inclinations, I picked up what Money I could, and went Aboard the Owners-Love, a Ship in the River which was bound for Ireland; The Commander had laid in Vsquebaugh and Wine enough, and so I held myself contented: and what added to my satisfaction, was, that I did not want for Company to divert myself with, during my Voyage. Three of the Directors of the Old East-India-Company had just brought in their Goods before I came aboard, and several who had considerable Posts in the Office of Land-Credit were making the best of their way off with 'em; we had also a Bawd, who had been forced to quit her Venerable Station, on account of the Act against Profaneness and Immorality; and a Poet who had lost all hopes of a good third Day in England, since Mr. Collier's Short View of the English Stage had made its appearance in public. For my part, I thought the Man of Metre much in the right, and since Hot-Beds are generally made out of Dunghills, the only way to ripen and secure the growth of his Muse, was to transplant her to an Isle where there is nothing else. In short, whilst the three Directors were railing against Heathcot and Shepherd, and the No-Landed Land-Credit-Men were cursing Dr. Chamberlain; The Poet being wholly taken up in biting his Nails, and making wry Faces, as taking leave (as I suppose) of his Mistress in some doleful Sonnet, or meditating on some Invective against Collier who had made him step aside; I could not but take incitement from his odd sort of Gestures, to attempt something in Verse too; and since I had learned something by playing at Crambo formerly with my Mother's Maids, and could Write and Read (the chief Excellencies of Poets now a days) I even went above-deck, and took my leave of that Famous City, which fled from our sight, as we fled from it, by Penning down the following Lines.  

I.  
FArewell, Thou Seat of Empire and of Fame,  
Great in thy Power, and awful in thy Name  
Whose Turrets tho' to Heaven they rise  
And strike with pain the Searchers eyes,  
Are now, just now, removing from my sight,  
My present grief, but past delight,  
Whom I, forsaken by my Friends must leave,  
And leaving must for ever grieve,  
Torn from the Embraces of a Parents love,  
When I a Parent's kindness could improve.  
Condemned to be an Exile and Forlorn  
My Friend's contempt, and my Relations scorn,  
As I from all my hopes, and Thee remove.   

II.  
But tho' I am lost to Fortune, and am made  
The sport of Chance, and slighted and betrayed;  
Tho' I my Country, and my Parent shun,  
Yet I am still a Subject and a Son.  
And still I'll pay, and still I'll show  
The duties which I owe,  
Still shall my Country and my Parent share,  
A Sons and Subjects Prayer,  
And in what place soever Fate shall please  
To end my sufferings, and my grief;  
Whither on Land I perish, or the Seas  
Give me the wished for death, and sure relief.   

III.  
Hear me Oh Heaven! and Record the Vow  
Which I am offering now,  
May I ne'er taste thy Blessings, or receive  
Abatement of those Ills for which I grieve  
If my last words (do thou but grant me speech  
To ask thy Mercy, and thy Throne beseech)  
Mention not them, and for their welfare pour  
A Flood of tears, grant Heaven a grateful shower;  
Since She who gave me breath, should have my Prayers,  
And She where I was born partake of all my Tears.   

IV.  
And ye Augusta's walls which now contain  
My only joy, and yet my only pain,  
Preserve her safe whose absence now I mourn,  
And from whose sight I down the stream am born,  
Let Angels guard her, tho' she now can bear  
A Son's departure and without a tear,  
And if she once shall please to spend a Thought  
On what I was, and what I only sought:   

V.  
Then shall I joy for being thus distressed,  
And bless those Foes who would not have me blessed:  
But 'tis too late, the Winds and Waves are joined  
To waft me from her Sight and from her Mind;  
Tho' She, and only She shall have a part  
In mine, whose Image only fills my Heart.  
And all I'll ask for, or implore  
From Fortune's Bounty and her Store,  
Is, that She may continue to receive  
Those Blessings which for lost I grieve;  
And I'll no other wish, but this prefer,  
Losing my Sorrows in my joys for Her.   
These were the hasty Thoughts I committed to Paper; and I who retired to my Muse to divert myself, found that instead of removing from the Ideas of those Troubles I would have avoided, I had by making Application to Her, a more lively Representation of 'em. Wherefore I returned again to my Company, whom I found sitting in for a hearty Cup, the only Preservative against Melancholy. You may judge I wanted not many Persuasions to make one among 'em, and to endeavour the dislodgment of a Guest, which had taken up free Quarters, and lived at discretion, as the Temper I was then in had. Accordingly I pledged the Bawd, who I must tell you, took something of a liking to me, and did me the honour to drink to me so heartily, and I over my left Thumb, Et sic deinceps; that the East-India Bankrupts had quite forgot that another Company had got the Royal Establishment, the Land-Credit Men were in such a Temper, as if the Iron Chests they have laid in at their Office in Queen-street, were full of those Millions the Undertaker proposed to have in 'em; and the Virginity Broker, and the Haberdasher of Hexameters were as merry, as if each of 'em had Acts of Parliament for their respective Employs: And I, for my part, with my illuminated Phiz, and my Eyes ready to drop out of my Head, had such entertaining Conceptions, that I could not but imagine my Fortunes bore a Proportion to my Countenance, and had never been under any such thing as an Eclipse. In short, not to be tedious, we did not spare the Bottle during our Voyage, and had such a smooth Passage over St. George his Channel, as if Neptune had known us all to be Bankrupts, and consequently not worth the drowning; since we had nothing to feed his Luxury with but our Flesh, and that was meat hardly good enough for the Fish. But since the Reader may be in haste to know something of the Country we were bound for, I shall close the Journal at Sea, by telling him we got safe to Dublin; where, as it was our Business to conceal ourselves, we took leave of one another, and went to our respective Quarters. A plague on the place; a Garret in Grub-street is one story high to it, and I was forced to rest three or four times before I could reach my Bed, which was nothing but a Quilt over some Rushes; and this the Son of a Whore my Landlord would have Eighteen-pences per Week for. I was forced to submit for a time, till I had provided all things for Travelling; and so I visited the several Counties of which the Reader may take the following Account.  
IRELAND (at present the Land of Ire, or Heaven's Wrath) hath little in it, now, of God's Blessing, and never had very much of the warm Sun. It seems in the Opinion of some, to be part of the refuse of the Earth at the Creation, and that when the rest of Europe was completed and polished, some of the scrape and rubbish was cast out at this backdoor, which being half dried by the squinting Beams of Sol, was in some measure dough-baked, into an Island, of what worth and quality shall be hereafter described.  
If Europe be compared to a piece of fine Cloth, this must needs be some of the List, or Fagg-end: If to a stately Palace, this is the Postern: If to a humane Figure, where ever we place the Head, this will surely hold more proportion and similitude with the Tail, as will appear upon farther Consideration.  
Some formerly have thought fit to call it the Watering-Pot of the Planets; and the French have named it, Le Pot● de Chambre du Diable, i. e. the Devil's Pisspot, seldom dry, but often running over, the Rains falling down so frequently, as if the Heavens were a wounded Eye, perpetually weeping over it it, or the Clouds dropping Sponges,  
So fast it Rains, and so profusely pours  
heavens Liquid-Wrath in Elemental Showers,  
That even an Irish Doctor must disown  
The Clouds Distemper there to be the Stone;  
But rather with the common empirics hold,  
Since they so drop at Nose, it is a Cold.  
And then for the often Gusts of Wind, it may well be reckoned, as Nature's Bellows; but for this, they may perhaps have reason to thank the Bantamites, who sowing so much Pepper yearly in the East-Indies in the Bowels of our Grandmother Earth, it must needs cause her to break Wind backwards in these Western Parts, where she eases herself of the Colic: What Advantage they reap by it I know not, but the old Proverb says, It's an ill Wind blows no one any Good.  
Says one, It is a Frippery for Bankrupts, or the Grand Hospital for such as are troubled with a Consumption in their Estate and Credit. But whatever it were formerly, there is small hopes now that Strangers should be there cured of such desperate Diseases, since the whole Country may well pass for a Map of general Misery and Poverty, the Natives and Inhabitants being most of them the lively Portraitures of the Prodigal Lad in his most Swinish Condition; so that it were no less difficult now to get into an Estate there (unless by the Conquering Sword) then to get out of their deepest Bogs, when one is sinking, and can neither help one's self out, nor persuade Teague to assist, unless St. Patrick does prompt him in a most special manner.  
Yet is the Soil in many Parts fat, and liking, (as Dunghills are) and were it well husbanded, would yield a plentiful Increase; but what through Laziness, and want of Industry, (I speak of the mere Irish, to whom the whole Character relates) and their innate Pride, and Selfconceitedness, which make them disdain to be taught by Foreigners, they do so little Improve their Lands, that unless it be themselves, nothing to an ingenious Eye can be a sadder Spectacle.  
Enclosures are very rare amongst them, and those no better fenced than an old Midwife's toothless Gums, or those Parts of Northamptonshire, where the Hedges were grubbed up by the Rebellious rout of the Commoners.  
Much of their Land is reserved for Grazing and Pasturage; and there, indeed, the Grass being very sweet, and holding a constant verdure, it is in many Places so indented with Purling Brooks and Streams, that their Meadows look like a new green Carpet bordered or fringed with the purest Silver: Yet Hay is a Rarity amongst them, and would cost them more Pains than they can well afford, towards the making of it; therefore they seldom or never trouble their Heads or Hands about it. And then for their Arable Ground, it lies most commonly as much neglected and unmanured as the sandy Deserts of Arabia, or a ranting Young Gallant's Old Bedrid Spouse. And, not to particularise every Circumstance, their National Custom of Ploughing, by tying their wooden Harness to the Horse's-Tail, and that other senseless Improvidence of burning their Oats to save the Labour of Thrashing, are two such very remarkable Proofs of their Husbandry, that it would be needless to describe it further: So that whatever the Country be, they are a wild Herd of brute Animals inhabiting, but not improving it.  
This Sloth and Carelessness is judged to be one Reason why all sorts of Grain-Fruits are of a less and more degenerate growth, than in other well Cultivated and Improved Countries (which is also noted in most of their Vegetables and Animals, Women and Greyhounds only excepted) the Corn seldom shoots up to that aspiring height upon its Spindle, as may be seen elsewhere, nor does it attain so full and weighty an Ear as to make it bend down to kiss its Mother's Bosom; but grows so dwarfish, thin, and full of Weeds, that it resembles the Field in the Parable, which the Evil One sowed with Tares.  
Their Dwellings or Cabans, I should more exactly describe if I durst have adventured oftener into them; or could have stayed long enough to have Surveyed them at my being there; which I did once Essay, but found it as hazardous almost, as Orpheus his descent into Hell, where there might be indeed a greater Fire, but not more Smoke, which thick Cloud in the midst of the Room did so blind me, and conceal the House, that I could scarce remember any thing, but my sore Eyes, when I came out again: Should they be as much troubled with that other noisome Disease of Scolding Wives, as they are with Smoky Houses, they might well upon each Door write, Lord have Mercy upon us, for certainly there cannot be a greater Pla●ge.  
As for the outward Structure, an English Cow house hath more Architecture far; nay, my Lord Mayor's Dog-kennel is a Palace compared to them: and for sweetness, I have heard many affirm, that the foulest Corner about the Bear-garden is Musk and Amber to their sweetest Rooms.  
The Walls are made of mere Mud, mixed with a little wet Straw, the Covering is Thatch; the Floor Earth; which, by reason of the constant Rains, is generally so damp, that they may be said to live over a Bog; and the Thatch so ill thrashed, that (by the sprouting of the left Corn, which often springs up green) it may be added, they live under a Meadow; or (as a Person of Honour said of the like place, to which he most aptly compared the Long, long Parliament) they have green Ears over their Heads, and a false Ground under their Feet.  
The Beds are upon such a firm Foundation, that nothing but an Earthquake can move them; Instead of Feathers or Flocks, they use Rushes or Straw, which serves them without changing, till cast Horselitter is a fragrant Nosegay to it, and Iacob's sweet Lodging on the fresh Grass, compared to it, is like the Pleasure of the Marriagebed.  
Sheets they never provide, and to tell the naked Truth, unless they can purchase a poor Cadow, which is not often, they lig together like Adam and Eve before the Fall, not a Rag to cover them, but themselves: Which may be one reason why they so multiply; for being necessitated to keep together for warmth, they engender as thick as Fly-blows, each little Hutt being as full of Children, as a Conney-Burrough in a well stocked Warren is of Rabbits.  
They seldom have any Partitions or several Rooms, but sleep in common with their Swine and Poultry: and for second or third Story you may look long enough ere you find any. Windows would discover their Poverty and Sluttery too much, and a Chimney is reckoned as superfluous as a Steeple at a new sangled Conventicle: The Door which perhaps is as irregular and multiform as a new made breach in a Wall, serving both to let in the Light, and let out the Smoke; so that you may guests their Abodes are pleasant and airy as a Dungeon, and unless they be compared to one another, each of them may very properly be called None-such.  
Their Women generally are very little beholding to Nature for their Beauty, and less to Art: one may safely Swear they use no Painting, or such like auxiliary aids of Fucuses, being so averse to that kind of Curiosity, (tho' they have as much need thereof as any I ever yet beheld) that one would think they never had their faces washed but at their Baptism. To whom the perpetual Smoke within Doors, and want of a Bon-grace without, does add such a tincture of Complexion, that a Ploughman's Sunburnt hand, or a Seaman's weatherbeaten face, is Snow and Cream to it: So that one need not fear much temptation, they being, indeed, mere Scare-Crows, and their Phisiognomies such a defence, such a spell for their Plackets, such a refrigeratory ' against the flames of Lust, that in the Daylight they are secure from any violent attempt upon their Chastity, though in the Night they may pass Muster, and the push of Pike, when joan is as good as my Lady.  
Their Bodies are of a tolerable proportion, and to be born withal, but then are they mounted on such misshapen Trussels or Supporters, that whenever any Man desires to try the Pleasure of their Embraces, he will be sure (as a witty Gentleman observed) to lay their Legs aside. Their Breasts are excepted against by some, for being of the same size with their Buttocks: and their Hands are so tanned leathered, that Gloves were but thrown away upon them.  
Amorous they are as Doves, but not altogether so chaste as Turtles, desiring as much to be billing, and very frequently bringing forth Twins, as the others hatch young ones by Pairs. There needs no great Ceremony or Courtship, for if they yield not at first Summons upon Composition, a slight attack wins the Fortress, and one may soon enter. These old Texts being Orthodox amongst them, Touch and take, Laugh and lie down, Up and ride, and so to the end of the Chapter.  
On a design of Marriage they are not scrupulous or cautious, and so far from selling a Pig in a Poke, that it is not unusual for the Man to mount the Beast, before he binds the Bargain; so that 'tis no strange thing amongst them, to make a Maid a Whore first, and then to make that Whore his Wife afterwards; like a Sloven that first makes a Close-stool of his own Hat, and then claps it upon his own Head. Thus rather than want Horns, they will have some of their own graffing, antidating themselves Cuckolds; and having taught their Wives this Lesson so early, who can wonder if they practise it afterwards; a new Cask still retains a touch of its first Seasoning, and when once such young Colts find the Gap of Liberty set open, they will frisk out of the Bounds of all Modesty, and never leave running till they have brought their Husbands to Cuckolds-Point.  
The Men are notorious Thiefs, and very Skilful at Leger de main, for which Trade, both Nature and Fortune seem to have fitted them; For as they are miserably Poor, so they are more Impudent than a Court-Page, or an Italian Courtesan, and have made it a common Practice to enter into any House without the Civility of craving leave, or knocking at the Door; and being once in, they have no creaking Shoes to betray them, but either they wear Broags, a kind of thin Pumps, or else make so bold with Nature as to use their bare feet: If they spy any portable Prize, their Hands are like Lime-twigs, and the Prey shall hardly escape them; nor are they ever unprovided of a Cloak or Mantle (large as a Iesuite's Conscience) to spread over their Knavery; And lastly, for Agility and swiftness of retreat, they may compare with Mercury himself, being ever in a running Posture, and always setting the best foot foremost.  
Surely, of all People they are the least troubled with Corns upon their Toes, they walk so sound; but amongst a thousand of their Hands, I do not think one Finger could be picked out that were not tainted with an Itch after unlawful Gain, or infected with a Felony, for so much sweetness do they fancy in the relish of Stolen-Goods, that they have little gusto for any other.  
It is an usual Saying, That a good Face needs no Band, and a bad one deserves none; which may be a reason why these are so ill accoutred and negligent in their Apparel; tho' if the extreme Poverty of the generality be considered (which yet proceeds from their own sloth, their Condition being much like Jobs upon the Dunghill) we shall find more cause to pity, than wonder at them. Once a Year, perhaps, their Stock may swell to the purchase of a frieze Garment of a brace of Twopences the bundle; higher it can hardly reach, whatever their Ambition prompt them to: a corpse outside, indeed, yet most think it suitable enough to the lining within, for a Loam Wall deserves but a mean Hanging.  
The Females have a Head Attire, which they call Kerchers: among the better Sort it is made of Linen, but seldom so white as a Dutch-man's Sail: whilst the common Trull's cannot possibly be any thing, but an old Rag turned out of other Service, or the flappet of a Month-worn Smock reprieved from the Washbowl; and yet, as one said of the like Sluttery, the poor remnant looks as briskly as if it were promised for the next whole quarter to escape many a scouring.  
Flesh-bags they may, some of them, have for the Day, but at Night they ever uncase themselves and lig in the woollen, if their Wits can gather enough to cover them, otherwise they nustle together in Litter with the Sow and Pigs, being all of a Family: But their Smocks cannot properly be called Changes, for they seldom allow themselves more than one, till that be worn out, which is used till it be fit to be torn off their Backs for touch to light Tobacco as they sit in the Fields, as I have seen them do. Thus the Smock is at last turned into Smoak, having first struck fire in the Devil's Tinderbox the Tobacco Pipe, which one wittily compares to the Passion of Love, thus:  
So fares it with an Amorous Desire;  
The more 'tis kissed, the more 'tis set on fire.  
Their Petticoats, if any, are of as many several Colours as a Tailor's fundamental Cushion; to which the Waistcoat is the fittest match that can be, and cross their Shoulders a Linen shroud of the same hue of a Winding sheet after some Years burial. Shoes are above their Price, neither are Broags a Purchase for every one; No, they stand more upon their Feet than so, and for Stockings they have a very cheap and durable Mode, one Pair lasting their whole Pilgrimage, and those no other than Nature's knitting, which sit close, and so tied, it saves the labour of Gart'ring; having no great fault, but their too much Calf.  
Compliments are as seldom used among them, as the Common Prayers among the Non-Cons; you might as soon teach an Elephant to cut a Caper, as bring one of them to make a handsome Leg: Such Blockheads have they, that 'tis a trouble to them to pull off their Hats; which done, shall be seconded with a Speech containing less sense and reason than that of Balaam's Ass; and to be sure must either be ushered in, or out, with a By Chreesht and St. Patrick, or an Elegant-Curse, or two: But for this Nonsense perhaps their Nurses are to be condemned, who (especially in Ulster) when they suckle their young Babes, if they chance to have a Cold in their Heads, seldom or never wipe their Noses, but suck them with their Mouths so hard, that, as one observed, 'tis very probable that they suck out all their Brains, and leave them for ever after empty Skulled. I wonder, said one, to an Irishman, that being Thirty Years of Age, and having travelled through the best Part of the World, you should be so great a Fool still. That's no wonder, replies another; but the greater wonder is, that there should be a whole Kingdom of such Fools.  
Shirts are no less out of date among the Teagues than Surplices among the Dissenters; so that one may guests what poor shift they make to keep their Bodies sweet: and may not this be one reason why they so much dread to hear one break wind at the Postern? The intolerable fustiness that must needs lie lurking in their unlined Breeches, adding a stench beyond the Devil's Pomander: Otherwise they do not appear so overnice and curious, nor would they contradict the Proverb, That Every Man's Tail smells sweet in his own Nose: Neither would they let fly so often above-board, for they will belch as loud as Potguns, and as often as a Lover in absence breathes his amorous Sighs: But add to the rest the straitness of their Breeches, called Trowsers, which sit as close as a Jealous Wife to her Husband's Tail, and you need not wonder at their backward Modesty.  
Some count them naturally hospitable, but if they are so, it is after such an ill-favoured manner, that 'tis like the giving an Alms in a nasty Clout, which Necessity may make welcome, but the greatest Charity cannot account Decent.  
Bonny-Clabber and Mulahaan, alias Sour Milk, and Choak-Cheese, with a Dish of Potatoes boiled, is their general Entertainment, to which add an Oat cake, and it completes their Bill of Fare, unless they intent to show their excessive Prodigality, and tempt your Appetite with a Dozen of Eggs extraordinary, which many times, instead of being newlaid, prove like overriden Wenches, either rotten, or else having a young Chick in the belly of 'em. After this, comes Tobacco; which you must either take in Smoke, or Snuff, if you will be good Company, while they sit Chewing it with as much eagerness and desire, as the longing great-bellied Woman did bite at the fat Man's Breech. And for a close to all this Treat (a la Grandezza) the Mistress shall produce her Moornaun of Sower Milk, and having stripped up her sleeve to the Shoulder, she thrusts up to the Armpits, and stirring the Curds at the bottom with her Hands, she than presents you with the Liquor, and if you like it, you may fill your Belly with her Kindness till you are satisfied.  
I have heard it affirmed also, by knowing Persons in this Country, that in some Parts of it, they have a way of making a Soupe, beyond all the French Pottages in Vogue; the way is thus, A Dame of the better sort, having had the good Fortune to boil a piece of very fat Pork, till a great part of it is run into an Oil swimming on the top, she strips of her Smock, dips it therein till it has soaked up all the Grease; then puts it on her Body, and so wears it some days to smoothen her Skin, and supple her joints; now if afterwards there be occasion, and no store of other Provision about the Cabin, off comes this anointed Garment again, which being boiled in clear Water, and a little Oatmeal, and a small Faggot of Herbs; the melted Fat, and those other Ingredients will be converted into a most savoury Mess of Irish-Smock broth, and then 'tis done in a Dish.  
But let me not forget their Butter, made up with so much Filth and Hair, it looks like the Lime we prepare to Plaster our Walls withal, which being beaten up into as rude a shape as a Spanish Piece of Eight, if eaten without Singeing, or not melted and strained, you shall run as great hazard, as one that would swallow the Burr of an overgrown Artichoke without Butter, or a pickled Rope without Sauce: Hence one may easily guests the difference betwixt this and the Dutch Butterbox, the one cutting like Spanish Marmalade, the other like untried Kitchenstuff, and having as rank an odour as a Carrier's Summer trotters. If they had the Wit to put the Hair in one Dish, and the Butter in another apart, it might be in a Man's Choice to take or leave as he pleased; but they are so ordered, you must eat both at once.  
And that their Bread may be suitable to their Butter, and so stick the closer together, the Women grind their Corn on a Stone placed betwixt their naked Thighs upon the Ground (in the very same posture as they Churn their Cream). Their Mills having this Advantage over others, that they are equally supplied both with Wind and Water at the same instant.  
Drinking is not so much their Vice, as some of their Neighbouring Nations, unless their so excessive Smoking be reckoned in, to which both the Men and Women are so generally addicted; yea, the very Children too, that an Infant of their breeding, shall take more delight in handling a Tobacco-Pipe than a Rattle, and will sooner learn to make use of it, than another shall of its Sucking-bottle. Surely, this Indian Weed is a very Witch, and they have this resemblance, that both of them are very nasty and ugly.  
It is an Irish Observation (and a notable one too) that whenever two Armies meet in Battle, the one must run, for both cannot conquer, and since one must give way, why not at the beginning before much Bloodshed, rather than after too many lives are lost; and since one of them must, or generally does run, who fitter to run than they whom Nature has provided with better Legs to run, than Hands or Hearts to sight; therefore they do commonly run, and run betimes, lest some Wound in their Legs should hinder their nimble Retreat: This made an old experienced Officer (who knew the way of the Reasoning of these Brutes) cause some Regiments of Dragoons to march on foot up towards their more numerous Army, with Boots on, whom when the Irish beheld, they straightway concluded that those English Men being booted, would not, or could not run; and since one Party must go off at last, it must needs be themselves, and therefore they discreetly ran all away immediately.  
A Stiffnecked Generation they cannot be called, they lay them down so readily to every Yoke, as if they were born to Servitude, and so we find them inclined to have been indifferently under their own Countrymen, or under their old Friends the Spaniards in former Times, and their new Friends the French lately, if the English had not prevented it. Therefore are they the less to be pitied, because by them there is no greater Liberty expected, or much desired and struggled for by them.  
Their Language seems to be very ancient indeed, being almost worn quite out of Date, scarce known in any other Country, and not generally used in their own: To a Foreigner it sounds so unpleasant, that it rather grates than tickles the Ear, and seems fitter to conjure than converse in. Withal, they use such a whining tone, and speak so precipitately, that considering their Garb and Posture, you would think they had been newly stripped of their little All; and were now hastily and earnestly craving your Relief and Charity, for a fresh Supply.  
Nor are they more Grave or Demure in their Pace; but frisk it about the Streets so Post-horse like, as if a Bailiff pursued them, or some fiercer Devil drove them.  
Yet at their Work they are on the other hand, so slow and deliberate (Digging, Ploughing, Thrashing, etc. with their Cloaks upon their Backs, and wasting so much of their time in Smoking and Prating) that it is usual to hire Four of these Lubbers to dispatch the same daily Proportion of Work, as is performed by one Industrious English-hind; which would be very chargeable, did they not humbly submit to accept of much lesser Wages, which they take good care not to over-earn, lest they should surfeit themselves, or wear out their precious Limbs too soon; and either want more Business, or the Strength to go thorough with it next day.  
Some Historians do speak them to be very tender and careful of their Young ones; but wherein that tenderness consists, is not readily to be found out. For their Food is not in the least degree better than they allow their Pigs, Bonny-rowre for the Summer, and Potato-roots in the Winter are their choicest Dainties: And then for their Clothing, it is yet courser; of a whole Child the third part is scarce covered with Woollen; nor so much Linen to be seen among a whole Tribe, as would make a Quaker's falling-band, or furnish an ordinary Box with Tinder, they being for the most part as naked as a young Lady's Neck in Dog-days, or the Bird in the Fable, stripped of its borrowed Plumes; so that unless their Apish hugging them in their Arms, or carrying them on their Backs can make it out, I cannot.  
But however careless they be of the Living, they are mightily concerned for the Dead, having a Custom, (which sure they borrowed from the Egyptians) of howling when they carry any one to Burial, and screaming over the Graves, not like other Christians, but like People without Hope; and sooner than this shall be omitted, they do hire a whole Herd of these Crocodiles to accompany the Corpse, who with their counterfeit Tears and Sighs, and confused Clamour and Noise, do seem heartily to bemoan the departed Friend, though all this is with no more concern and reality, than an Actor on the Stage for the frighted Death of his Dearest in a Tragedy.  
One Privilege, indeed, they have to boast of above most other Countries; which is, that they are free from Venomous Creatures (as England is from Ravenous) which we may believe to be a Natural Antipathy, like that of the Islands Cyprus and Guernzey; Tho' they will needs attribute it to their Miracle-monger St. Patrick, who (as their Tradition goes) did one day summon them all together on the tod of an high and large Hill, called Cruich Phadrick, or St. Patrick's Mount; where having by irrisistible Conjuration assembled them, he, by his powerful Invocation called for Fire from Heaven, which came down, and consumed them: To which part of the Legend, some have added, That the great Crowd of Irish Witnesses whom the good Saint had brought with him to see this Fear, and bear Testimony of it, finding he had so good interest and familiarity with God Almighty to obtain what he but asked for, desired him forthwith to make a second Petition, That Heaven would send down a plentiful Shower of Gold and Silver to Cure them of their Poverty, and make them as Opulent as the richest Nations: But he angrily replied, That God would work no Miracles to gratify their Covetousness; That he had already given them a large Country, which they were to Cultivate and Improve, and that their honest Labour would bring them in a sufficient Stock of Wealth, etc. and therefore if they were not enough satisfied with this great Blessing so freely conferred, but continued to murmur, and tempt God too far, perhaps he might for their Unthankfulness and sordid Desires, turn it into a Curse again, to their perpetual Punishment. But they still importuning him, he at last made a second Essay, not Petitioning for Gold or Silver, but that God would send down what he knew to be fittest for that Generation. Which Word he no sooner had pronounced, but there arose a great and furious Whirlwind, which blue and dispersed the Ashes of those Poisonous Creatures over all the whole Country; and the same being forthwith converted all into Lice, they have for ever since continued a most Nasty and Lousy Generation, and could never find a Cure, or remove this Epidemical, Egyptian Bosom-plague, so close it yet sticks to them.  
A most excellent Country it is for a young Traveller to be first seasoned in, for let him but once taste of their Entertainment and Usage, and I dare undertake he shall love all the rest of the World much better ever after (except Scotland.)  
A certain Portion of the County of Galloway is very well worth Observation; for in a Considerable extent thereof, Nature affords 'em neither Water enough to Drown 'em, Wood enough to Hang 'em, nor Earth enough to Bury 'em; yet 'tis very well Inhabited: Now what sort of Creatures, unless a Race of Spanish Gennets, that are said to engender by the Wind, or a brood of Cameleons that seed upon Air, can subsist where three of the most necessary Elements are so scarce, I leave Oedipus to judge.  
It is reported of the Germans, and some other Warlike People, that when they come within sight and hearing of the Enemy, being drawn up in Battalia, and almost ready to Engage, they draw out their broad Sword, and each with a Whetstone, they carry for that purpose, falls to work to set a keen Edge on his Weapon, with so much eagerness and noise, that it begets no little terror in the listening Foe, and Proclaims with what undaunted Resolution they prepare to Assault them. Whereas the Teagues do only gaze about to see what Wood or Bog lies nearest, and can best shelter or favour them in their Retreat, or, perhaps by greasing their Broags, or anointing their Joints, make ready for a more speedy Flight; then throwing down their Arms, and trusting solely to their Legs, dare not so much as once look back, but leave the Devil to take the hindmost.  
Ask many of them, What was the Name of the blessed Virgin Mary, and 'tis ten to one, but they'll answer, it was jane, or Susan, and that St. Patrick was her Godfather; and to any the like Questions, they will furnish you with the like Answer, etc. So that if Ignorance be the true Mother of Devotion, the City of Rome itself cannot produce such devout Catholics as these Teagues; and therefore it's pity but they should be transplanted into the Territories of the Holy Church, as being the most submissive Members thereof.  
But here is enough of the middling sort of People; I shall therefore proceed to give him the Prospect of a Place in which he has all the Reason in the World to expect a more agreeable Sight, tho' perhaps he may find the resemblance of what he has already seen in it.  

Of DUBLIN.  
WE have hitherto treated of the middle sort of People, and those who are to be found in the several Country Towns and Villages; but we are now come to a City, which is the chief of the several Provinces, and the Capital in respect of the several Courts of Judicature which are held here, and where the supreme Court of the whole Kingdom, (viz.) the high Court of Parliament is now assembled; but which notwithstanding the great Concourse of Nobility who now keep their Residence here, bears a proportion in its Inhabitants, to the People whose Manners in the foregoing Papers, we have submitted to the censure of the public.  
Dublin is a City situated on an arm of the Sea, and might be made very strong, did those who are in the supreme Power there think it advisable to make it so; it gives name to an Archbishopric, and is the place where the Deputies, or Lords-justices of Ireland hold their Court: At present their Excellencies the Lord Marquis of Winchester, and the Earl of Gallaway have that Character, and if the Inhabitants of this City had any disposition to Industry or Virtue, they might find such Encouragement from these Two noble Lords, as might sufficiently endear it to their Practice. But they are People not to be persuaded by Example or Precept, and if any of 'em are so lucky as to tread in the Paths of Goodness, you may conclude it wholly owing to themselves, for they are all too proud to follow one another's directions.  
By this one might imagine they were excellent at Inventions, and might be very serviceable to the Public by ingenious Acquirments; but that Man is mistaken if he expects any such matter from 'em, and for several Years we have had but Two or Three Experiments from their whole Royal Society, and those so far from being New, that they had not been Printed but as a Compliment to Dr. Molineux; who perhaps without some such notice taken of him, would have made no more Observations than the rest of his Brethren.  
But tho' they are not over successful in the search after Knowledge for the public Good, there is no Body like 'em in things which is against it, and they have Twenty ways at least for the breach of one Commandment, when their whole study will not furnish 'em with one to keep it.  
Their Buildings partake much of the Constitution of their Owners, vast Foundations like their Legs, at the bottom, but built so very high, that he is a rich Man who can furnish one Story, whilst the upper Rooms bear proportion to his upper part, and are as destitute of Furniture as his Skull.  
The two principal Churches are St. Patrick's, and Christ-Church, Edifices tolerable enough, did not the Man in the Pulpit disgrace 'em; and unless Dr. King or some eminent Bishop transplanted from England Preaches there, you may as soon expect an ingenious Discourse from Dr. Meriton at St. Martin's in the Afternoon, or a piece of Oratory from the Mendicant Divine, who holds forth upon the rails in Moor-Feilds, as a sentence worth observation, from any Man of God among 'em all.  
To say the Lord's-Prayer, and ten Commandments, is a sufficient Plea for Holy Orders; and that Bishop's Chaplain who shall offer any Text in Greek to be construed by the would be a Deacon, or examine him as to the sense of the Fathers about Original Sin, shall be looked upon as one not capable of performing the Office of a Priest himself.  
They have but one College here, bat yet it bears the Title of an University, like a certain Peer in the same Kingdom, who has the sonorous Title of an Earl of 
* Desmond.  ten Worlds, when his Lordship has scarce a Foot of Land. And I think it well enough deserves the Name of University, if Universal Ignorance, Pride and Poverty, which has taken Lodgings here, may deserve that name.  
The Founder who endowed it, knew well enough the Dispositions of those who should be his Tenants, and therefore provided well enough for their Bellies, tho' none but the Provost has any Provision for their Backs; but for Books he gave 'em none, well knowing the little use they would make of 'em, tho' the Irish Parliament is contriving Ways and Means for a Library for 'em, which some think will be built much about the time, as the Students who are designed to make use of it, shall arrive to the knowledge requisite for such Studies, and that is never.  
As for the Inhabitants of this place in general, we will rank 'em under 2 degrees, viz. Lords and Commons.  
The First are Spiritual and Temporal. For the Spiritual, out of the Veneration I have for the Holy Office they bear, I shall say little further, than that they may be very knowing Gentlemen, tho' I could not edify by 'em; and tho' I never amongst the whole set of 'em could find the Learning of a City Lecturer; yet they may be Men of singular Parts, and their Devotion may have brought 'em so near Heaven, that for all that I know, their Heads may be lost in the Clouds.  
For the Nobility, the greatest Part of 'em may be compared to their own Mountains, who are so very high that they seem to wear the Stars for a Coronet, but yet are indeed no better dighted, then with a dirty Bog on the top, more deep and dangerous than the lowest Road in the Valleys.  
Their Estates for the generality are not greater than an ordinary English Gentlemen, yet their Pride so excessively great, that Disdain is written on their Brows, where you may read, I am too good for thee.  
For their Commonality, Writing is a rarity among 'em, and Reading would be utterly laid aside, were it not of great and important Consequence, when they are allowed the Benefit of their Clergy in their Neck-Verse, and oftentimes poor Culprit goes to Pot, because Mr. Ordinary and He can't agree which reads truest.  
But I have forgot the Right Honourable his Lordship, therefore I must tell you this pitiful City has its Lord Mayor too, who is at present much such another as that pious Gentleman who preceded Sir Francis Child in London, was; and tho' one would think that the better sort of irishmen's Poverty might entitle 'em to beg, this venerable Magistrate will not permit the worse.  
To conclude, this is a City powerful in its Privileges, but weak in its Exchequer, empty in its Churches, but full in its Prisons; has very few Fortifications for its Security, yet has Cowards for its Inhabitants; the Nobility which live in it have Titles beyond their Estates, the Clergy Benefices beyond their Deserts, the Merchant's great Houses beyond their Trade; and every Housekeeper in it Promises beyond Performance. If this bened enough to make me wish myself in England again, I am sufficient Proof for any Place whatsoever; and so much for the Kingdom of Ireland, which I shall describe no otherwise than it deserves, if I shall say it is,  
A Land which does no Poisonous Beast afford,  
But in its Natives, with all Poisons stored:  
Where Vice is fruitful and Sedition shoots  
And shows its Head, from fixed and lasting Roots;  
Which often tempts the British Sword, and dares  
The Fate of Caesar, who as often spares.  
False to her Promise, Insolent, and Base,  
Her Friends Dishonour, and her Own Disgrace;  
Ready for Change, tho' not in Changes long,  
Forsaking what is Right, embracing what is Wrong.  
Conquered in Fight, Unconquered in her Pride,  
Rescued, tho' never of the Rescuer's Side.  
But if Example may prevail, and gain  
Repute, within a Land so False and Vain;  
If Goodness may persuade, or Virtue Win  
A People drowned in Vice, and lost in Sin;  
Even she, has those who o'er her Son's Preside,  
Whose Lives can Teach her, and whose Precepts Guide;  
Instructive in their Actions, as their Laws,  
Just to the People, and their Master's Cause.  
And Winchester may yet retrieve her Name,  
Tho' lost to Honour, and unknown to Fame;  
Whilst She may practise what her Lord has done,  
And follow England's Virtues, in her Son.   
FINIS.