Mercurius Nonsencicus.  
WRITTEN FOR THE use of the simple understander.  
By JOHN TAYLOR.  

Like to a whirlwind in a tailor's thimble,  
Or like a gouty Tumbler, quick and nimble,  
Or like Hay making in a shower of rain,  
Or like a Wedding where there are not twain;  
This book compared, and uncompared you'll find,  
As like as is the Water to the wind.   
Printed in the year, 1648.   

Mercurius Nonsencicus.  
THis age wherein no man knows whether he lives or not lives, whether he wakes, or dreams; when he can hardly trust his ears with what he hears, believe his own eyes, wherewith he sees, or give credit to his own heart; with which he pays it with thinking, Round, unsound, as rotten as a rag, with a W for Jack-adandy.  
A Plot, a Plot, a most horrible, terrible, execrable, detestable, abominable, and damnable Plot; discovered strangely upon Newmarket Heath, where (time out of mind) there hath been a Vault with a secret unknown trap-door; which door being left open (by negligence) an old blind Woman stumbled, and tumbled into the Vault, where she saw 40000. Horse, all manned, or backed with brave, bold, desperate, valiant, violent, courageous Don Quixots, Lord Whachums, Knights of the sun, and of the Illustrious order of the burning Pestle, with many Reformadoes, and rodomontades, and others: it is a strange discovery that a blind Woman was the first that saw it, and she presently told it to a deaf Woman, the deaf Woman related it to a lame Woman, the lame Woman told it to a dumb Woman, and she came post upon a lame Horse, and discovered the whole business to me as I have related to you, what it will come to I can tell you, nothing: old time hath made more Metamorphosis lately then ever Ovid did, or could do; time hath transformed the sign of St. Martin into a Goat, and old Charing cross into Knive hafts, and saltsellers, mean Men are Men of means, and Men of means are mean Men, without means, money, clothes or credit: Bulls were wont to beget Calves, but now it is an ordinary thing for Calves to speak Bulls, and create them by word of mouth; (as for example) go you three both together, and I will run before you and overtake you presently; or as a fellow lately (well filled with drink) said that he could drink no more than an Apple is like an Oyster; but he could sleep like an arrow out of a Bow: and therefore (Sirrah) have a care how you behave yourself when you come to present an Apple to my Lord's Ape, or my Lady's Monkey, kiss your leg and make a hand finely; and (for all our fooling) there are many that did begin a monstrous big huge quarrel, that would be glad to do their best to be quiet, and end a brabbling business: twit, twat, tush, puff, mew, all are but words to fill up a sheet in print; there is more ado with jack-an-apes then with all the bears.  
This is easy stuff to be read; but it will trouble a deep understanding to pick out the meaning; Homicide, Fratricide, Matricide, parricide, Regicide (in the days of King Edmund Ironside) was on the Bank side, and in Cheapside accounted as bad as killing of folks, bless us from a mad dog, and the fall of a windmill: all Scots be not Knaves, nor are all English men over burdened with honesty; for though a soft malt makes a sweet fire, yet all is not Gold that glisters, and there is now as much difference between eggs and Onions as ever there was.  
When a man's corpse and Capacity are both gross, it is sign that his Body and his understanding are twins; for though it be a cruel torment for a wise man to be bound in a chair whilst a fool talks him to death, yet I conclude him to be none of the wisest that is overmuch taken in love with any thing that is written in this Pamphlet, neither hath he any other than a Tiffany patience that is very angry at the writer that cares not for it; truth doth seldom go without a scratched face; and though Mellancholicus and Pragmaticus do play O Man in desperation, and write oddly, madly, yet I am so tame a fool that I do dare neither to write Knavishly, or speak wisely; though (perhaps) I do now and then show my valour in thinking truly.  
The pestilent pens of pestiferous pragmatical, aquatical poetasters hath sweat out whole reams to small purpose; they have transformed, and metamorphosed Mercury into more shapes than ever Proteus had: most curiously curious Mercurius hath been sublimated like a Neapolitan Unguent or Unction with a pretence to cure the kingdom of the Morbus Gallicus, Arbitrary tyranny; but all those nimble feather brained, froth witted Mercuriallists have done no better than played the juggling alchemists; or like an Imposture Quacksalver hath turned all our money into quicksilver, with hei presto 'tis gone: (to the devil I think) myself, with some hundreds of the King's Servants, are in the happy condition of Poets, poor and pennyless, our Purses being turned Brownists, not enduring a cross to come near'em; but the most of us are practised in the Carthusian order, abstinence or fasting (Nolens volens) so that whereas in the days of Yore, Diebus illis, Haltion times, some gross witted sons of ignorance would call us his majesty's Biefe-eaters, or the King's Cormorants, and other pretty foolish Apellations, and epithets; so that if any of us ever were Cormorants, I am sure that most of us are transformed into chameleons, air, smoke, Vapours, words and wind, being our delicate dainty first and second courses; yet (by supernal favour and providence) we hold up our heads, stand on our feet, look cheerfully, and talk as heartily as some that fare deliciously: we have seen some high floods, and low ebbs, and that part or spoke in Times wheel that is lowest may be raised; in the mean space we will feed upon hope till we can get better victuals.  
Greedy Gatherers of too much Mammon, will (one day) find it like the gathering of so much Manna, it will turn to worms, and gnaw the Consciences of the avaricious possessors; great faults are commonly Gentlemen-ushers to great Punishmen, one draws the other after, and as the Thread follows the Needle, even so proditorious, perfidious, and presumptuous actions are doged by self guiltiness, and doomed by divine vengeance to unavoided destruction.  
There is a new trade lately practised in England, which is to cut throats, and kill men for 3. or 4. s. a week, they say the devil himself is Master of the Company: the most part, or greatest numbers of this society are so far from the way of Peace, that they hate the peace of their country: they have banished the Peace of Conscience, the King's peace (I am sure) they have broken, and the peace of God, they (through want of understanding) have no stomach to.  
In the Introduction to grammar (Vulgarly called the Accidence) there is the Common of 2, and the Common of 3; but right and true bred English men have been grammarians in more Commons than 2 or 3: we had a House of Commons renowned, Religious, Venerable, and honourable, and should be in that reverend regard, that detraction (or distraction) should not so much as snarl, or grumble against: we see now that honourable House daily abused, traduced, and exposed to the most and worst of what transcendent defamatory tongues, or pens can (out of grief of heart) inveterate malice, splenative envy, or the gall of bitterness, speak, write, invent or publish.  
The Common Wealth is not common, but private, and so private that a few have got all, many have lost all, and the greatest number have ne'er a whit; insomuch that the Common wealth is not the wealth that is common, the want of which hath made me and many thousands to be much troubled with the King's evil.  
The Common prayer was esteemed a good Director (or Direction) but now it is contradicted by another Antidirectory, much better than the old one, as some wise men say.  
The Common Purse is empty, the Common Treasure is invisible; the Common counsel are Grave, and wise, and would have all well: there are some good men wanting who should hasten the effecting of the Common safety; but there is here, there (but not everywhere) a Common Whore that lies like damnable stumbling blocks, that the Common ways are filthy, uneven, unmended, and irreparable, whilst our Common misery is continually increased, repaired, enlarged, extended, and amplified.  
There are also half a dozen of Cases as ablative, genitive, vocative, accusative, nominative; Reader I request, will, and require you to bear with my misplacing of the cases, I pray you consider that all things are out of order, great men and small men, low men and tall men, be it known unto all men that there is a bad Case, a good Case, a base Case, a mean Case, a treble Case, a desperate Case, a mad Case, a sad Case, a woeful Case, a wretched Case, a fine Case, and a poor Case, hay all six and six.  
But hold, hold, wit whither wilt thou, take heed (old Jack Tailor) keep thy first principles, stand to thy promise, beware of writing a wise word, it, and, of, for, by, from, to, at, wherefore, it's no matter when, or why, make an end to no end, and as thy Title was intrincicall, so let thy Epilogue, and Catastrophe be nonsencicall in heroic, duncicall, and natural, artificial Verses, beyond the understanding of all the colleges, or Universities of either Kent or Christendom, Christian or Shropshire man, and let the world know, that by the rules of Galen, Hippocrates, Avicen, Paracelsus, or Esculapius himself, the running gout will never make a good footman.  

Like to th' embroidered meadows of the moon,  
Or like the hours 'twixt six and seven at noon,  
Or like a Cock that wants Stones, Spurs, and comb,  
Or like a Traveller that's ne'er from home,  
Or like Tobacco that wants stink or smoke,  
Or like the devil in Religious cloak;  
Such is this Pamphlet, writ with such advisement,  
As troubles not the State, or what the Wise meant.   
FINIS.