A THIRD DIALOGUE BETWEEN THE POPE AND A FANATIC Concerning AFFAIRS in ENGLAND.  
By the Author of the First and Second, who is a Hearty Lover of his Prince and Country.  
LONDON: Printed by J. P. and are to be sold by William Oliver in Norwich, 1684.   

AN EPISTLE TO THE LOYAL OBSERVATOR.  
WHat, Sixty Eight years old, and yet an Observator? Well, Live, and Write on, outlive the damned Old Cause, and when you have made your being here impertinent, then leave us, and converse with Intelligences: In the mean time I find Men widely differ in your Character, some count you as a Plague, and others take you for a Prodigy. For my part, I dare tell the World, I Love and Honour you. But the other day I chanced into a CLAN of WHIGS, and TRIMMERS, where your Name was the subject of their Wit and Malice; one who seemed most modest and demure, did gravely style you one of the chiefest Agents of Satan; another of a warmer Tongue and temper, would have you to be Prime Secretary to the Pope and the Devil, he said, your Pen did smell of Fire and Brimstone, and thought it was unquenchable too; they all agreed you were as much a mischief to the Nation as the last great Frost, or the Summer's Drought. I sat and heard these Harangues with great impatience, not out of Pity but of Loyal envy; For why should you have a Monopoly?—   

A THIRD DIALOGUE BETWEEN THE POPE AND A FANATIC.  Pope. 
HOLD Brother, hold; why such haste? pray stop a while.  Phan. 
Oh, Sir, I am flying for Life, Liberty, and Property, pursued by the King's Bloodhounds Rogue Croix, 
The Titles of the Kings four Pursuivants at Arms.  Rogue Dragon, Portecullise, and Bluemantle; besides whole packs of Furies and Tories.  Po. 
Come, I will show you into a close retirement, where the Sun itself shall be no evidence against you, where you shall be as secure as if you were landed upon terra incognita.  
Come, Now pray tell me what's the matter; for you look like a Spectre, as if you were all Spirit indeed: So wonderfully changed since our first conference, that I should not have known you, but only by that Cainish mark in your face, by which you are distinguished as plainly as St. Peter's by the Cupola.  
Why do you gaze thus?  Ph. 
I spy within the Niches of the wall, two Antic Statues; methinks they look so like Observators, that I dare not speak my thoughts; for I protest, Brother, my fears are so great, and my affairs so nice, that I dare not trust the shadow of a man, and I have heard so many miracles of your Romish Images, that I am afraid they are not all dumb Idols.  Po. 
Why? these are the Statues of honest S. Peter, and S. Paul, who you know were men of Primitive Integrity; and if they could yet Preach and make Orations, I hope you might trust them at a Consult.  Ph. 
Peter, and Paul, they were Old Evidences against me, I would sooner trust the Pagan Image that fell down from Jupiter; I would not speak True-Protestant Treason before their two Sculls, in S. John de Lateran; why, they were two Tory Apostles, that taught the world the slavery of Passive Obedience; and were such fools, to be Martyrs, when they had the power of working Miracles; they preached up the Supremacy, and the Divine Right of Monarches, and I wonder you allow them a shrine among your Romish Teraphims; I should have more veneration for the Pictures of Judas and Barrabas; they were brave Hero's and understood the Bravery and Gallantry of Treason, and Insurrection.  Po. 
Well, I will so far comply with your superstitious fears, as to remove into a private apartment, where there shall not be one Picture of a Saint, besides you and I.  
Now we are enclosed within so many Walls, that we are secure from all humane notice, except it be your Titus Thaumatergus, and I am told, that if he lay his Ear to the Lobby of a Presbyterian House of Commons, he can, by virtue of that Acousticon, hear at Westminster what is whispered in the Vatican; but I think of late he hath lost his senses; therefore pray begin, and give me some account of your affairs.  Ph. 
Ah, Sir, undone to all my intents and purposes: My Oracle is ceased, my Demons are fled, my Principal Members cut off, my Elect of London are reprobated, and I am afraid of a Quo warranto against Magna Charta; in short, the Devil of Discovery hath ruined us, and to speak truth, Discovery and Disappointment, are the two greatest Devils I fear in the World.  Po. 
What, has my name lost its ancient Infallibility? I thought the Theatrical Thunder of the Popish Plot must have done more certain execution upon the Fort Royal, than Ten Thousand Quintals of Turkish Powder.  Ph. 
Truly Sir, I had dressed up the Mormo of the Popish Plot, with so much popular and artificial horror, that I had almost frighted the people out of their wits, and you know that nothing more serves the Interest of our Sober Party, than the madness of the People.  
When I observed a fit juncture to put the Nation into a flame, I first kindled the fire with those Brimstone Matches, the fears, and Jealousies of Popery, I had then the mighty advantage of a Presbyterian House of Commons, who were at that time the Representative Lungs of the Nation: Their popular breath blew up the flame into so fierce a rage, that the City was cooler in the fire of London, than it was in the heat of the Popish Plot; and when I had procured a Printed Resolve, and prefixed it to a Fast-book, that there was a Damnable hellish Popish Plot against the Life of the King, and the Government, I thought I had been secure both of the Government and the Life of the King: But, oh, that fatal flight from Oxford! It was ten times more unfortunate to us than the King's escape from Worcester; for than he only fled with his own Life, and left us to share his Fortunes, but now he carried his Crowns and Kingdoms with him; and left us nothing but Prisons, and Pillories, Jails, and Gibbets.  Po. 
I should have triumphed as much in the destruction of the English▪ Monarchy, and Hierarchy, as the Grand Vizier would have done in the Ashes of Vienna, and if your Popish Plot had effected the design, I would have made my silent advantage of the Ruin, and dissembled the affront to my Holiness and honour; but since it failed of success, I think it my Interest to disown it.  
The Doctrines of Depriving, Deposing, and Murdering of Kings, I thought Politic Divinity some Hundred years ago, but the Circumstances of Christendom are strangely altered since the days of King John; I have for many years been forced to lay aside my thunders, and saw it my Interest to Court, and not Assassinate; I dare not in this nice Crisis be so bold with Lewis of France, as I was of old with Ludovicus of Germany.  
When your Sultan Oliver brought the King to the Bar, I would not have had One Papist upon the Bench for a Million of Crowns, for than I had lost all hopes of the Royal Blood, and eternally ruined my whole interest in England; I c ●nfess, my continued Intrigues for Indulgence, and all the softer methods of insinuation, to propagate my Religion, but as for those daring adventures of Treason, and Regicide, they are All your own, and therefore I declare in spite of Satan and Salamanca, that I knew no more of a Plot against the Life of the King, than the Groaning-board.  Ph. 
Alas, Sir, you never yet had an Act of Oblivion, and therefore your Parisian, and Irish Massacres, your Smithfield Fires, and your Gunpowder Treason, though acted long since, are more fresh in memory than my late Murder of Charles the First; and if I Swear you Guilty, all the Tongues of Men and Angels can't persuade the people that you are Pope INNOCENT.  Po. 
Well, I do hope that Time or the Gallows will give you Grace to confess the Cheat; in the mean time, I must tell you, that if you had charged me with a Plot of any Honourable contrivance, or plausible Perjury, I should have pardoned such a meritorious forgery; but to bring me upon the Stage in a Fools-coat and Cap, to make my Nobles, and Priests, to act the parts of Bedlams, this was a Shame, and Effrontery, that must be resented.  
You know that the Court of Rome hath been more famous for Policy, than Divinity, and I have, by finess, and artifice, ruined more Kings than ever you knew; and can it be reconciled to common Reason, or Interest, that we should trust the Arcana of our Roman Empire, and those Sacred endearments of Lives and Fortunes, to the Mercy and Management of a Company of Banditi, Renegadoes, and Lazarillo's, whose Iniquity and Indigence must certainly betray us?  
Had you told the people, that there was a mighty Spanish Armada seen at Anchor on Salisbury Plains, it had been as probable a Romance, as your Forty Thousand Pilgrims from Spain.  
And as for the Murder of Sir E.B.G. It fell out unluckily, the laying of the Scene in Somerset-house, for it looks a little oddly, that the Thames gliding by the walls of that Palace, the Murderers of that unfortunate Gentleman should not in that Critical juncture have endeavoured an eternal concealment of the Murder, especially there being at hand, so easy and so safe a conveyance to the Thames, where with less weight than a Millstone, he might have been sunk till Doomsday; but the overseeing this ready advantage, and the exposing his Body above ground, nigh the passage to an Imperial City, looked like Frenzy beyond all the extravagancies and costacies of Bedlam; you might as well have reported that I had cut my own Throat, or leapt off the Monument: And it is a miracle to me, how you could gain a belief of so wonderful a Proceeding.  Ph. 
Why, Sir, the very word Pope, is Enchantment; and hath a prodigious power of Infatuation upon the people of England: For suppose I should Invent a Plot, as dark, and confused, as the first Chaos, whose Monstrosities could outdo all the Fables of Talmud and Alcoran: Allow me but the Harangues of a Presbyterian One-and-Forty-Parliament, to Echo the noise of a Popish Plot, and the People would believe it as great a Truth, as the Pharisees Conspiracy against Jesus; but to conclude this; Sir, I spoke the Prologue to the Popish Plot before the Parliament at Westminster: And at Oxford, the King unhappily spoke the Epilogue; and so FINIS and FITS-HARRIS.  Po. 
But Brother, you know that the Good Old Cause, which is our Common Interest, amounts to no less than a Supremacy over all the Kings of the Earth; and that is so Sweet, and Glorious a Sovereignty, that I hope you will never give over your designs for That fifth Monarchy, or Kingdom of Christ, as you wisely phrase it.  Ph. 
Never suspect it, my zeal is too warm and obstinate, to be discouraged by a Disappointment; and as long as my Numbers can merit the name of Legion, or Association, so long I will have the grace to persevere; and therefore having shed a little blood by a falsifying blow, but missing my chief aim in the Popish Plot, I still pursued the same design, only shifting the Scene from Rome, to Geneva.  
And now enter Anthony and the Giant Ferguson, with Six Trumpeters attended with Forty brave Sons of Anak, Armed with Sword and Blunderbus, followed by a mighty train, tied together with Green Ribbons. Now Sir, you know that the Saints have diversity of Gifts, and difference in Operation: My Presbyterian was for destroying the King after the English fashion, by the more generous, and Religious procedure of a Civil War, or the Popular Authority of a High Court of Justice: My Independent Zelots were for Killing the King, Alamode de France; and like your St. Clement, and Raviliac, resolved upon the surest, and shortest method of Assassination; Your Jesuit Mariana and My Junius Brutus have resolved the Case, that if a Prince invades our Religious Rights or Civil Properties, he is, by your Divinity, and Mine, decreed a Tyrant: And then we are agreed on both sides, that a Tyrant is a State-Behemoth, and to kill such a Beast of Prey, is not only Justice, but Merit: What Sainted our George, but the kill of a Dragon? and when David slew the Lion, and the Bear, and cut off the head of the Uncircumcised Philistine, he was a Hero but no Assassin.  Po. 
I grant that if a Prince affront our humour or Interest, we have an ancient privilege to censure him for an Her ●tick or a Tyrant; But in this Age, I dare not own the Consequence of Assassination; not that this Modesty proceeds from any nicety of Conscience, but Policy, and Interest oblige me to dissemble that Grim Divinity.  
And whatever you pretend, I know the Duke hath a greater Endearment for his Brother, than he hath for the Pope, and I do easily foresee, that if the King should fall by the hand of a Papist, the Duke would, in abhorrence of the Fact, declare himself a Protestant, nothing would appease his revenging mind, but a Massacre of the Papists in England, or the Ashes of Rome.  
Indeed if I were again Lord Paramount of Christendom, and had Crowns for Styrrups; and could mount my horse upon the back of Kings, as formerly I have done: Or if my Numbers in England were as great as yours, I should then no more scruple the hard words of Association, or Assassination, than you do; but in my present Circumstances, I can only dance in a Court-Mask, with Caress, and Complaisance; But I must leave You to Act the rougher Scenes of Tragedy.  Ph. 
Nay, I am satisfied, that your present temper is but Politic dissimulation, for I am certain, as long as you are Pope, you must be of my opinion, in the matter of Princes; and so long I will own you for a Brother: But if ever you dwindle into a Bishop of Rome, and an Apostolic slavery to Crowns Imperial, I shall hate your Episcopacy, and scorn your Alliance.  
But what did you mean by that sneakish Anathema in the Council of Constance? to reprobate that Heroic Thesis, 
Tyrannum posse & debere occidi à quocunque subdito non aperta vi modo sed etiam per insidias & frauds.  that any Subject whatsoever, not only might, but was obliged to destroy a Tyrant, either by open violence, or by any private ambush or artifice.  Po. 
This Decree was occasioned by the Impudence of your Rebel Ancestors, the True Protestant Hussites of Bohemia, who declared it as an Article of their reforming Divinity, that if a Prince were a Criminal, he did by his crimes forfeit his Crown, and any one might with impunity despoil him of that Authority, 
Principes quocunque crimine admisso principatu cadere posseque potestate quam injuria occupabant à quocunque impune Spoliari.  to which (in their opinion) he had then no Title.  
Now you must know that the Golden Trade of disposing Crowns and Kingdoms was the Monopoly of Rome, and I only claim the Prerogative of Religion's Regicide; and therefore when your Hussites and Taborites became Interlopers, it was my Interest to decree, that none should destroy Kings but myself. But, to speak truth to a Brother, there was at that time Three Heads, that did pretend to the Triple Crown; and the Church of Rome being under that distraction, might pass that Canon as a Compliment to the Emperor, who had the chief influence and management of That Council; but I cannot find that Pope Martin the fifth, or Eugenius, or any of their Roman Successors, did ever Ratify that Anathema, and therefore, it having no Pontifical sanction, I have left myself as much power and freedom to destroy and depose Kings, as ever I had before the Council of Constance; and if ever the Stars be again Popishly-affected, you shall see me reassume my Thunders with a Non obstante.  
I grant that we must assert the Papal, and Popular Supremacy, by maintaining our deposing, and Assassinating Divinity; for this will be a mighty awe upon Princes, and without this, we can never propagate our Good Old Cause; but the Cavaliering Clergy of the Church of England have cursed arguments against this our Common Principle, and in my opinion, my Jesuit Mariana has not answered them with sufficient satisfaction, and I would gladly hear how your Sophistry can respond to those desperate objections; but at this time I will only mention their Argument drawn from Antiquity: They tell us that the Christians of the first three hundred years, had a greater advantage of understanding the Laws and Temper of Christianity, than we can pretend to, at the distance of sixteen Centuries; and though these Christians lived under Emperors, who were Pagans, and Tyrants too; yet they quietly suffered all the Invasions upon their Lives, Liberties, and Properties, that a Tyrannic malice and power could contrive or execute, and yet in the History of those Ages, we Read of the Noble Army of Martyrs, but not of One Rebel, or Assassin among all the Christian Legions.  Ph. 
Do you account this such a formidable Argument?  Po. 
Yes indeed in my opinion it looks severely, and if you can take it off, you deserve to be Superior to the whole order of Jesuits.  Ph. 
Well then, First I answer, that it is very probable, it was a Christian Soldier that Murdered Julian in his Persian expedition, and that Soldier was the only True-Protestant or Papist in all the Roman Army.  
But if a mere probability have not weight enough, than I grant them the opinion of some of their admired ancients, that Julian was slain by an Angel; now it cannot be fancied, that an Evil Angel should smite an Apostate Brother, for it could not be the Interest of the Devil to destroy such an eminent Devoto to his Empire: And if he were dispatched by Gabriel, or Michael, or any other of the Heavenly Host, than we have a precedent from Heaven, for the kill of Tyrants upon Earth; and why should not the Saints be Assassins', as well as Angels; especially considering that those flaming Spirits are made the pattern of our Zeal and Devotion?  Po. 
This I confess may be plausible to the Vulgus, but the Malignant Divines will unluckily rejoin, that Angels were no Subjects of the Empire; under no obligation of Allegiance to the Emperor Julian, and that the destroying Angel had a divine Authority, or a special warrant for that execution: But they will tell the world, that every humane Soul is obliged to be Subject to the Secular powers, and therefore conclude, that the Assassination of Tyrants must be left as the peculiar service of Angels, but 'tis beyond the Commission of Saints.  Ph. 
Well then, Grant that Julian fell by a Persian dart, and that there is not one instance of Rebellion, or Regicide in the first three hundred years, what is all this to you and I? For I return them their own argument in the Case of Cathedrals, and Ceremonies; what tho' the Church in her Infant weakness knew no such Glorious or Solemn practices, must they therefore be unlawful to the Saints, who are arrived to the full heat of blood, and bravery? They might argue by the same Logic, that because Innocent Adam went naked, therefore no Saint must wear a Coat of Mail; and because Abel knew nothing of the Invention of Guns, therefore it is unlawful for the race of Cain to fire a Blunderbus.  Po. 
I acknowledge this answer to be fine and popular, but it will never silence the Clergy of England, those disputers of this world.  Ph. 
Sir, if you and I can compose such a System of Politic Divinity, as to persuade the People, that the Saints, and the Senate, have the Supreme disposing of Princes, our business is done by that popular delusion, and we may laugh at all the Learning and Arguments of Cambridge and Oxford. For we have this advantage, that our Proselytes will sooner Read the Alcoran, than the Writings of the English Clergy, and have no more value for Their Canons, than they have for the Votes of a House of Commons. But as for the Tory Divines, it is as much impossible for us to convince them, as it is for them to convert us, for they are such blind adorers of the King, that they honour him even to Idolatry, and wish his Kingdom might be everlasting.  
I dare engage they should sooner believe the Miracle of the Mass, than the momentous mystery of Assassination; and might with more ease be tempted to Worship the Eucharist, than to Murder the King.  Po. 
Well, we have spent too much time in this speculative discourse, pray proceed to the practical part of this destroying Divinity. What success had you, when you Acted in your Own Property, without the Mask of a Popish Plot?  Ph. 
Ah, 
Hony soit qui mal'y pense.  Sir, I hate that damned cursed French, that encircles the Royal Arms, I believe it is some Charm or Conjuration, for we can't design a little mischief against the King, but it will fall upon our own heads; my Presbyterian Republicans were agreed upon a General Insurrection, and this would as surely have put the Nation into a flame, as the last Conflagration: My Atheists, and Independents had assigned the Persons, the Arms, the Time, and the Place, for the Assassination of the King and the Duke; but in the Interval, the fire fell upon that Little Sodom, Newmarket, and some Tory Angel conducted the King to Zoar, and that untimely slight disappointed the Plot, and the Blunderbus.  
That fire at Newmarket was of such prodigious consequence to the King, and Kingdom, that I am afraid it was more than chance; and begin to suspect there may be a God and a Providence, and that some of the Old Horsemen of Israel have Listed themselves in the King's Lifeguard.  Po. 
Tho' I could never believe you to be a very good Christian, yet I have so much Charity as not to think you an Atheist.  Ph. 
Can you suppose that I would ever have profaned Temples, Ravished the Revenues of the Church, and shed the Blood of the King, if I had believed, there had been a God, who could have required Restitution for the one, and Vengeance for the other?  
If I were persuaded of the Existence of a God, I must grant by consequence, that a Bloody, and Malicious Perjury were as bold a defiance of Omniscience as a plain God-damme; but I must confess I looked upon the Devil as a mere Sign to a Tavern, and the bugbear of Damnation, as Politic a shame as the Popish Plot, and therefore to me, Oaths were never a part of Religion, but of Interest.  Po. 
Indeed he that well considers your Annals, from Forty to Sixty, and your desperate management of the Popish Plot, will find Villains enough to make you suspected for an Atheist; but yet who ever talked more, of God, and Providence, than You?  Ph. 
Alas, Sir, these were excellent Words in Popular Cant and delusion, and therefore I used them to serve my Interest; but I never thought them more Divine or Almighty, than the Name of Pope, Protestant, and Parliament; for these made as great a noise, and did as much service, as the other.  Po. 
But however I should think it your Interest to be a Christian, at least in Masquerade; and therefore I can discern no policy in your late good wishes for the Turkish Army, for that was too broad a discovery of Irreligion; sure you cannot think that the Grand Vizir did fight the Lords Battles; but yet I suppose, that you are of the opinion of your great Apostle, Luther, for I remember that Sultan Solyman and Martin Luther, did infest the Germane Empire in the same Age; and Martin had so great a Friendship for Mahomet, that he and his followers taught the people in public Harangues, that it was a mortal Sin to fight against the Turks, 
Luthero y sus sequaces, predicavan, y hazian entender, a la probre gente Tudesca que pelear contra Turcos era peccado mortal, tanto como restir sia la voluntad de Dios, que los embiava para castigar all Papa, y a los Principes Christianos que eran catorze vezes peores que Turcos. De Illescas pontific. Hist. in Span. Tom. 2. Fol. 292.  it being a plain affront to the divine will, because God had sent the Turks to chastise the Pope, and the Christian Princes, who were four times worse than the Mahometans. And indeed when I observed that your Caballers chose the Green Ribbon for their Livery, I did suspect your favour for Mahometanisme, That Colour being the most Sacred in the Turkish Religion.  Ph. 
Vengeance begins to inquire for the Blood of Charles the First, and My Plots and Perjuries are so plainly detected, that I am now of opinion, there may be a God; but I am sure there is no Idolatry in the Church of Mahomet, and Coffee is a more sober drink, than Lachrymae Christi, and I don't know but a man may be as nigh Heaven at Meccha, as at Mount Olivet, and there may be many Chapters in the Alcoran, as much jure divino as the 13th. of the Romans. You see the Turk is possess't of Jerusalem and the promised Land, the ancient seat of the Elect; and is made Lord over the Seven Churches of Asia; and besides he is so complacent, as to allow his dominions the Natural Civility of a Toleration; what tho' he propagates his Religion by Fire and Sword? It is a method far more divine and generous than Penal Laws, and Spanish Inquisitions, and therefore I have taught my Proselytes, that Mahomet is a Greater Prophet, than the Pope: Nay, that Paganism is a more Natural Religion than Popery; Nay I believe they have a more favourable opinion of the Devil, than they have of the Pope, for the Devil has taken the Covenant and the Engagement, and endeavours the extirpation of Monarchy and Hierarchy, as much as we, and besides he is a Prince so far from Tyranny, and Arbitrary Power, that he would have no man governed by Laws, or Canons, nor confined to any Orders or Modes of Religion, but allows every man to gratify his passion and appetite, and to follow his own private fancy, and humour.  Po. 
I do believe that your Proselytes would sooner Worship the Devil, than fall down to the Pope, but I can see no reason why you should so adore the Turk: For grant, that I have added some Superstitious Superstructures to the Apostolic Foundation, yet sure that great Fundamental, that Jesus is the Christ, is a more hopeful Title to Salvation than all the Mahometan Creed. And therefore any man that believes the Gospel to be more divine than the Alcoran, must think it more eligible to be a Christian Papist, than a Turkish Puritan.  Ph 
In the matter of Salvation, the Turk and I have more infallible security than you. For we believe eternal felicity to be our Fate, and not our Merit: And all the priv pledges of Paradise were settled upon us by the Charter of Election, many Ages before Christ was born: And there is no Quo Warranto from the Court above  Po. 
About two years since, you thought the Charter of London, as much unalterable as your Decree of Elections: But without a mighty change of manners, you will find yourself as much deceived in the one, as you were mistaken in the other. For the Jews had once as large a Charter of Election as ever you can pretend to; but yet you see, upon their misdemeanours, there was a Quo Warranto brought against the whole Body of Israel, and judgement entered against them, and they have been disfranchised above this 1600 years. And if Perjury and Regicide, Murder and Malice, Rapine and Sacr ●ledge, Sedition and Treason, Envy and Hypocrisy, be no Barrs to Salvation; the Gate of Heaven must be as wide as the Portico to the Turkish Paradise: Where the Alcoran tells us, there are Apartments, not only for those minuter Animals, as Abraham's Ram, Moses Heifer, Solomon's Ant, the Queen of Sheba's Parrot, the Seven Sleepers Dog: But the Passage is so Broad, that Mahomet's Camel and Jonahs' Whale, have made their Entra into that Turkish Elysium. Therefore I would advise you, to Sail directly for the Hellespont, and become Mahometan: For that Religion which allows a Heaven for the Dog, and the Leviathan, can give you the best hopes of future felicity: But I fancy if you were designed to turn Mahometan, the Mufti would not admit you for a Musselman; for he is wont to say, that an Ill Christian will never make an Honest Turk.  Ph. 
This is very pleasant indeed, as if your Holiness had not committed as much iniquity as mine. Were not you as much Antichrist as the Turk, or the Jew, and more than the Devil, when you vented that blasphemous saying, O quantum nobis profuit haec fabula Christi! I confess the Kingdom of Christ was the Title to my Holy War, but I never gained so much by that Name as you have done; alas, what were the Spoils and Plunders of three Kingdoms, compared to the vast Revenues of your Triple Crown?  
Well, I don't question but in this Age to see the downfall of Rome. And tho' the Grand Visir was the last year unfortunate, yet remember, that your Peter's Cathedral hath a Cupola, after the mode of the Turkish Mosches, and it may yet follow the Fate of Sancta Sophia.  Po. 
If Rome be Mystical Babylon, or the chief seat of the Beast, (as the Heretics phrase it) My comfort is, that the Turk and You, are the Halfmoons, and Outworks of Antichrist, You must be first battered down, before the fall of Babylon. But I am weary of this raillery, let us return to your unfortunate Conspiracy.  
Did Your Martyrs go off with as much Gallantry as mine? Those Roman Heroes, whom you offered up in Sacrifice to your Moloch, tho' they were persons of different Education and Tempers, yet had so clear an innocence, that with dying Vows they disowned the whole Scene of the Popish Plot: The Lord Stafford's Speech looked like the plain meaning of dying innocence, and not like the Artificial composure of any Northern Jesuit.  Ph. 
Your Doctrines of Equivocation, and Mental Reservation, have possessed the People with such an inveterate prejudice, that the Papists can have no method of Credibility.  
Suppose the Lord Stafford had outdone the Legend of your St. Dennis, and after the Axe had given the fatal blow, should have leapt upright and taken his Head under his Arm, and walked in solemn Parade from the Scaffold, to the House of Commons, and with the Tongue of Men and Angels should have spoken his innocence: I could easily have shamm'd the Miracle, and persuaded the people it was no more than one of the deceivable works, or lying wonders of Antichrist. Thess. 2. 2.  
For I have this advantage, that the Populace will believe a Presbyterian, as much as Moses, and the Prophets, but they will not be persuaded that a Papist spoke true, tho' he rose from the dead.  Po. 
But were none of your Martyrs, Conf ●ssors?  Ph. 
Truly Sir, I begin to have a very favourable opinion of Auricular Confession; for I see no public mischief in those private whispers; but as for that loud Confession from Carts, and Scaffolds, before Guards and Lictors, and throngs of Observators, this is base, Unpolitick and Treacherous; but the fatal discovery forced me into a nice dilemma; for there was so much honourable Evidence against me, that if I had denied the whole matter, I must have been suspected for an Atheist, and if I had confess't the whole Plot, I must have been Branded for a Fool; therefore to avoid the Imputations of Atheism, and Imprudence, I advised my Protomartyrs to make such cloudy confessions, and mystical denials, that the Tories thought there was enough confessed, to believe the whole conspiracy; and my Whigs, and Trimmers, thought there was so much denied, as they saw reason to believe there was no Plot at all.  
But alas, Sir, though popular delusion be an easy Art, yet I find it impossible to put a Shame upon the King, or the Blazing Star; I can't impose upon the wisdom of the one, nor escape the influence of the other.  Po. 
But what, have you no Crutches for the Good Old Cause, to support her in her decrepit Age, but will you suffer her to drop, and die?  Ph. 
Truly I begin to despond, for in the days of Charles the First, our designs met such a prosperous and prodigious success, that I thought Providence itself had taken the Covenant; but now fortune runs counter to all my Old Stratagems, as if the Stars were turned Tories, and all the Angels, Abhorrers.  
When first my Scottish Brethren took Arms, and Covenant, in defence of Kirk, and Conscience; and Charles the First marched down with a Potent Army, able to have swallowed any thing in Scotland, but the Covenant, than he was Graciously pleased to make a civil Pacification with my Pious dissemblers, and that peace was the first piece of his Scaffold; but now when my Field-Conventiclers of Scotland, Preached up their Natural Religion of Reb ilion upon the head of a Drum, and for an use of Terror, took Sword and Musket to assert their Champain Divinity, presently Charles the Second sends express order to fight them, and which is worse, he beat them too.  
Charles the First was so confiding, that he trusted the Parliament with those Royal trifles, Magazines, and Militia. But Charles the Second, like the Politic Philistine, hath disarmed the people of the Lord, and would not have one Sword nor Sphere found in all the hands of Israel; but as for himself, he is so far from being unguarded, that Whitehall looks more like a Garrison, than a Palace, and the Tower more formidable than your Castle of St. Angelo, and if his Exchequer were as full as his Magazines, and his Plate-fleet were proportioned to his Men of War, he would affright both Rome, and Carthage, Monsieur, and Mahomet.  
Charles the First did grant us that mighty power to dissolve the King, and perpetuate the Parliament, but now I am afraid this King will live for ever, while Parliaments, like Mortal Creatures, are exposed to the frailties of Prorogations, and Dissolutions, and the fainting fits of Trienninal Intervals.  
There was a time, when Charles the First was so contemptible, that we looked upon him as the mere Sign of the King's Head, and then, my Heroic Commons could pass that daring Vote of Non-addresses; but the Life and Honour of this King is valued at such a Rate, that we are plagued with Addresses from all Quarters; and such Addresses too, as tend more to make him a Sultan, than a Sacrifice, for a long time our Gazettes were so crowded with County, and Corporation-Addresses, that there was no room for the Imperial Army, or the French Troops; nay the Turk, and the Dutch, were excluded, as if there had been no business in the World but Addressing; we had nothing but Lost Dogs, Strayed Horses, and Renegadoes, to bring up the rear of the Tory Addressers.  
In our prosperous days the very Tail of the Commons could whip off the Head of a King, but now the hand of the King hath taken off the Head of the Commons; thus my fortune is reversed, and I fear I shall be forced, either to repent or despair, and those are both desperate extremities.  Po. 
I remember that in our first conference, you made your Critical remark upon that Crucifying Lesson, which by the course of the English Calendar falls upon the 30th. of January, and next upon the 29th. of May; and did conclude upon this unforeseen appointment, that Providence had designed you to act over the same Tragedy again; but I did then interpret that notable accident to a contrary Sense, and told you that it might rather indicate that Charles the Second, was Born to revenge the Blood of the First; and now I believe you will find me a truer Prophet than your dear Mahomet, and be made sensible of my Infallibility; truly Brother I begin to fear, that Monarchy will at last prove more jure divino, than you and I.  
But notwithstanding your droll upon the Throng of Addressers, yet I look upon that proceeding as a very Politic Stratagem; for they have rendered the King Great and Formidable, and have firmly established that Church, which you and I have laboured to destroy; you may remember that your flourishing Address to Oliver, in LIII. did help to make him as great as the Mogul, for those Magnificent Strains and Titles awed the people into as great an opinion of Cromwell, as if he had been Brother to the Sun, Kinsman to the Moon, and Cousin German to the Stars; and therefore sure this public artifice of Popular Addresses must have as Glorious an effect upon a lawful Prince, as it had in the Case of an Usurper; for I am afraid the King hath Listed more men by the Rolls of Addresses, than ever you did by the Musters of Petitions.  Ph. 
Give me, once more but a Rampant and Sitting-house of Commons, and I will not value all the ranting Addresses of England, for many of those men, who now adore the King, as the Pagans did their Jupiter, would then Worship our God Mercurius, and fall down before the chief Speaker of the People.  
I know several in the List of Addressers, who inserted their names in a mere Trimming compliance to Tantivy Times; but if ever occasion serves, will with more cheerfulness subscribe a Petition for a Parliament, than ever they did an Address to the King.  
And besides, there are many of these promising Addressers, who are men of so little and narrow Souls, that they value their Blood, and their Gold, at the same rate; and would not part with three Drops of the one, nor three Scruples of the other, to save the King and his Three Crowns; and what an empty Compliment is the promise of Lives and Fortunes, from Cowards, and Misers!  
But I will grant, that there are vast numbers of Addressers, who are men of Resolution, and such Simplicity of Conscience as to think themselves obliged by their promise, to Sacrifice both Men and Money in defence of the King; but suppose we had dispatched the King and the Duke at the Rye, and there had been no right Heir to the Crown, within the compass of the four Seas; then all the Addresses would have been Impertinent extravagancies, for you know that he, who destroys the King, dissolves the whole Militia; and in this Case, the Addressers would have demurred upon Punctilios of Law, and would not have dared to beat a Drum and Rendesvouzed without Commission; but by virtue of our Covenant, and Association, we should have had the grace to have taken Arms, and embodied, without, and against Authority, and thus in that Critical Interregnum, we would have possess't ourselves of the Kingdom, and Massacred the Divided Addressers, before ever they could have agreed upon a method of defence.  Po. 
I confess this would have been a very difficult dilemma, especially if you had noised it for a Popish Plot, for if you had reported, that the Assassins' were Papists, that rumour would have amuzed the Addressers, and so alarmed the Vulgus, that you might have effected your designs before the discovery of the Cheat.  Ph. 
You may be sure we would have used that customary Artifice.  Po. 
But upon further Consideration, I fancy, that the Addressers having engaged in defence of the Monarchy, and Lineal Succession; and knowing their Lives and Fortunes were at Stake, in such a desperate Crisis, would have had the wisdom to Arm, and Unite, and secured their respective Counties, till the quiet Inauguration of the next Successor, and tho' this proceeding had been Illegal, yet they should have hoped that the Merit of the Service would have pleaded their Impunity.  
You know that in the Hurricane of the Popish Plot, the Commons resolved that if the King had been Assassinated, they would have revenged his Blood with a Massacre of all the Papists in England, and now your Conspiracy is so notorious, that should the King die by Violence, the Vengeance might fall upon your own heads, and Enraged Addressers would cry in your own Language, Down with them, Root and Branch.  Ph. 
Indeed if it could be supposed, that ever the Cavaliers could be wise and resolute, I must despair, but oh! that London were as nigh Constantinople, as Larissa, I would soon persuade my Turkish Brethren to take the Covenant, and Court the Sultan into the Association, I would soon send Charles to visit the Seraglio, and the Duke to the Dardanels, Paul's should be a Mosque, and brave Ferguson, a Mufti.  Po. 
But can it be reconciled to any Christian pretensions to make a League with Infidels?  Ph. 
Why, did not your most Christian King make a League with the most Turkish Solyman against Charles the Fifth? and why might not I, by the same Christian Policy make an Alliance with the Turk against Charles the Second? does not the Turk frequently confederate with Christians, to serve the Ottoman Interest? and I have heard of a Pope, who made a League with the Devil, to gratify his Romish Ambition; and why should a True Protestant have less freedom to serve his Interest, than the Pope, the Turk, or the Devil? Come, come, say what you will, Interest is the greatest Sultan in the World, and hath a larger dominion than Religion.  Po. 
I confess that what you have said is so severely True, that I will not dispute your Right to a Turkish Alliance; but however, 'tis unpracticable; and distance denies you that advantage, for it is a long journey from Edghill to Mount Olympus: But I would gladly understand, what hopes and Intrigues you have at home, to prop a declining Cause.  Ph. 
This last Age has been a mere Game at Chess, between the King and the Punies; the Crown and the Commons; and I have made my advantage of every motion; but Charles the Second hath moved with so much caution and judgement, that we must have yielded the Game if the Two Dukes had not—  Po. 
Hold, have a care, don't whisper the least Scandalum Magnatum.  Ph. 
This is very pleasant indeed, that You, whose Title and Frontispiece is Blasphemy, should caution me against Humane Scandal.  Po. 
I shall not now dispute, who looks most like the Blaspheming Beast in the Revelations, you or I; but I am sure, You may Blaspheme God and the King at a Cheaper rate, than touch the honour of a Peer; you may with more indemnity, Steal the Crown, than Spit upon a Coronet; Remember that Scandalum Magnatum amounts to more than 20 l. a Month, and will more certainly ruin you, than all the Penal Laws.  Ph. 
Well, I thank you for the caution, for I confess I have spoke more affronting words against the King, than I dare speak of a Peer.  Po. 
But Dukes and Peers apart; What hopes have you in a Parliament? I know you have been used to Worship the Gods of the Valley, and if the Numen's of the Lower House deceive you, you have nothing to expect but Ruin.  Ph. 
It is not long since, that I was as much afraid of a Parliament, as ever you were of a General Council; for the first discovery of our Conspiracy filled the Nation with so much noise, and horror, that all my Esquadron Volante, of Neuters and Trimmers deserted me; and I was forced to live in Chimneys, and Grott's; and wished myself in Coal-mines; and if the King had called a Parliament at That juncture, I durst not have appeared in Elections; and all my Patriots had such a Panic fear, of Carts, and Scaffolds, that they could not have been persuaded to mount the Chair, in that unlucky Crisis; but since that storm is so happily blown over, I'm even resolved for England again; and when the Law of necessity shall oblige the King to Summon a Parliament, to cry, To your Tents O Israel; and if it be in the power of Purse or Perjury, I will take such a course, that the Blood of the Commons, shall be Enquired for, without giving one Penny to the Crown.  Po. 
But do you think the King will ever give you the advantage to sit at Westminster?  Ph. 
Alas, our Old seat at Westminster, is now no great advantage, for the True-Protestant part of the City is grown so Tame, that they could see their Charter condemned, without the Gallantry of a Tumult, though the passing that sentence was a greater Judgement than the Plague. London has lost her Old brave Cries of Justice, Justice, no evil Councillors; Will you buy any Crown and Bishop's Lands? The City Trained-hands, (as the Case stands now) would be more ready to Guard the five Members to the Tower, than to secure them in the Town.  
My only hope is in another House of One and Forty; for Stephen's Chapel is as Sacred to me as the Chapel of Loretto is to you; It has been Anciently the Shrine of the Good Old Cause; and like the Senate-house at Rome, it has been Consecrated with the Blood of Caesar: Here has been so much Breath exhaled in Popular Harangues, that the inner Plaster of the Walls is nothing but Congealed Treason, and hence proceeds that Magical power, that the very Air of the Old-house has left a Republican Tincture behind it, and no Member can escape that Influence, but such as are drunk with Elixir Regale.  
I have known several Gentlemen in former times, who, when they were first chosen Members of Parliament, could discourse of nothing but Monarchy, and Prerogative; but after they had breathed a few months in this Temple of our Diana, they returned, with as cool, and popular a temper, as if they had sat in the Stadthouse at Amsterdam.  
But I am much concerned at the decays of this House, I am afraid it should presage the declining of the sovereignty of the Commons elsewhere, and the ruin of the Good Old Cause, and therefore I intent to advise my Representatives to vote the Repair of those dilapidations, for fear the walls should drop, and Stephen should Stone the Elders.  
But if the Majority of the next house of Commons should be adorers of the Crown, and Church, I might be ruined by my own precedents; for such a House may pack a Tory Committee of Elections, and I have taught That Divan in former Times, such an Arbitrary way of proceeding, that they had got a Trick to Elect and Reprobate, whom they pleased, without any Appeal from their supreme judgement; and so, by my own method, all my Members would be excluded, and not one Saint left in the Sanhedrim; but there are so many mischievous consequences, of a Cavaliering House of Commons, that I dare not fancy the Possibility of such an Assembly.  Po. 
Well, I see but small hopes of effecting our designs in this Age; but pray, Study some Arts to keep up the Good Old Cause, that it may not sink into its Primitive Nothing, but may be preserved in being, till a more fortunate juncture; for as the Good Old Cause can never prosper in England, without the Name, and Noise of Popery, so Popery cannot work without the Fanatic Tools of the Good Old Cause.  Ph. 
Never fear, I don't question but to continue the Existence of the Good Old Cause, as long as you can maintain your Succession to the Triple Crown; for I have many Artifices to this purpose.  Po. 
Pray, let me understand your Arts.  Ph. 
First then, in all that Noble Science of Popular Delusion, there is not a greater charm than Religious Cant; for you know, the greatest part of Mankind, are most influenced by Passion, and Fancy, and there are few such Sages as to regard the dull Oracles of Truth and Sobernesses; for suppose I should teach my Disciples, that the great design of Christianity was to teach the World the serious pursuit of Peace and Holiness, and that a holy, and peaceable Temper would best serve the quiet of our own Minds, the Interest of Society, and Government, and would be the most Rational Preparation for that Life and Communion of Angels; alas, Sir, such solemn Divinity as this, spoken with an Apostolical Gravity would have no more effect upon the Crowd, than the King's Speeches have had sometimes upon the House of Commons; but by my Theatrical Arts and Enthusiastic Divinity, I can Preach the Throng into Raptures, and Extacies, and mount their Souls three Stories higher than Paul's; and then with One sad Grimace, and Lureing Tone, make them Stoop in a Moment; I can, when I please, Preach them into Conflagrations of Zeal, or Inundations of Tears, or howl them into Hurricanes and Storms of Sighs and Groans, and all this by a mysterious Screw of the Face, and the Echoes of a Passionate Noise.  Po. 
I have heard that you do equal, if not excel my Jesuits, in this Art of Popular Enchantment, pray give me the diversion of a short Essay of this nature.  Ph. 
Well then, first for the true set of the Face— D' you mark the Semicircles of the Eyes; the Triangles and Parallellograms of the Mouth and Face?  Po. 
Ha, ha, ha, bring your Face to rights again, for I shall laugh loud enough for a discovery. But now let's have a taste of your Canting.  Ph. 
Be not troubled in mind, 
Jo. Collings Cordials for the fainting Soul. part 2. p. 165.  to be sad and sorrowful is the sign of an ill-thriving Christian, Crying is a Childish trick, a Christian out of long Coats would be ashamed on't  
Do but wait a while, 
Cordials 2d. part, p. 169.  the day is coming, when Christ shall play no more at hide and seek with his Saints, when all Christ's business beyond Sea shall be done.  
When he shall say, 
Cordials 2d. part, p. 87.  come Jailers, bring all those my Enemies before me, Prelates, Malignants, Kings, Nobles, Gentry.  Po. 
This Cheat must do, I see that Canting will move a passion as well as a Crucifix; but methinks your Charity is very narrow to allow none to be saved, but yourselves and the House of Commons.  Ph. 
You and I may differ in some matters of Faith, but I am sure we are Brethren in the measures of Charity, for we are both agreed to damn all the world but ourselves; the only difference is, that I am for plain rightdown damning, but you are for the Ceremonies of Malediction, and must Curse with the Superstitions of B ●ll, Book and Candle.  Po. 
But how can your Conscience dispense with so much profane Burlesque, to serve a Popular Interest?  Ph. 
I think your Conscience is as well matched as our Charity; your Jesuits first taught me the art of Canting, nay and to Cant too upon the very Canticum Canticorum; for you know, the Virgin Mary is the great Goddess of Rome, as the Good Old Cause is the Diana of Geneva, and you have been guilty of more Blasphemy in Devotion to the One, than ever I Canted in the service of the Other.  
Your Jesuit Poza, in his Elucidarium Deiparae, lib. 2. p. 477. hath told the world, that, excepting the Hypostatical Union, the Conception of the Virgin was more miraculous, than that of Jesus, and that the Virgin may be called, not only the Mother but the Father of Christ, p. 485. he would make us believe, that her Body had such a perfection of Beauty and Symmetry, that her formation was the work of Forty Ages, lib. 3. p. 939. and thus the Heavens and the Earth, which, at most, took but six days in framing, must be thought the slight and careless dash of Omnipotence, but the Creation of the Virgin Mary must be the only Elaborate work and design of Infinite Wisdom.  
And tho' Paul hath told us, that we must all be Changed, before we can be fitted for that Celestial State, yet Poza excepts the Virgin, and tells us, her Natural Beauty was so Angelical, that she shall suffer no Alteration, and that God himself 
* Non enim Virginià mortuis resurgenti addi potuit à Domino corporis pulchritudo. Lib. 3. p. 947.  can add no greater Perfection to her at the Resurrection of the dead.  
And that her Stature was as prodigious as her Beauty, he proves by this Argument: The Virgin's Smock, which Charles the Great Lodged in the Cathedral of Aquisgran, at his return from Constantinople, A. D. 810.  

* Ex qua mensura certum est, Mariam fuisse proceram, nam si supra ulnas duas addas caput Deiparae, planum facies illam fuisse altissimam: nam & considerandum venit Sacrum illud indusium terram non contigisse. P. 962.  Was more than Two els Long, and then making allowance for her Head, and considering that Sacred Linen did not touch the Ground, and it is as plain as any demonstration in Euclid, that she was wondrous Tall.  
The Beauty of some particular Parts he draws from the Canticles, as that her Eyes were of an Olive-green, appears from Canticles, 7. 4. Thine Eyes are like the Fish-pools in Heshbon: Now because the Text is not clear at first sight, therefore it is enlightened by an Ingenious Gloss, that the Fishponds of Heshbon are Green by reflection of the Verdant Banks and Trees, and then 'tis as Evident, as your Supremacy from Gen. 1. 16.  
That her Nose was strong and placed true as a Meridian, in the Midst of her Face he Learnedly proves from Cant. 7. 4. Thy Nose is as the Tower of Lebanon, which looketh towards Damascus.  
That her Lips were of a pure Vermilion is past dispute, from Cant. 4. 3. Thy Lips are like a thread of Scarlet.  
That her Teeth were White and Well-set, is put past question, from Cant. 4. 2. Thy Teeth are like a stock of Sheep, that are even shorn, which came up from the washing.  
That her Neck was Long and well shaped, is demonstrated from Cant. 4. 4. Thy Neck is like the Tower of David, etc.  Po. 
You must know that the Italians, Spanish and French are Nations of an Amorous Temper, and therefore an extravagant delineation of the Virgin's Beauty does much contribute to the devotion of that people, and what you think Ridiculous in England, is Religious in Italy.  Ph. 
And what you think Ridiculous in Italy, will pass for Religion in England, I understand the English Temper, as well as you do the Italian; and don't question but My Mode of Canting will prevail as much in London, as Yours does at Rome, if I can procure Stages.  Po. 
I do grant that you are well accomplished in this charming Science, and that your Incantations must be effectual upon the Vulgus; but what Other Arts have you to propagate the Good Old Cause?  Ph. 
That no power may ever cut off the entail of the Good Old Cause, we are resolved to give the Covenant to our Children, from Generation to Generation, as the dying Laplanders bequeath their Familiars; and by this politic method, We and our Brethren in Lapland shall perpetuate the Succession of Rebellion, and Witchcraft.  Po. 
This Policy may make the Cause Immortal, but what is the reason we have seen so few Popular Pamphlets of late? for tho' the times will not allow you to draw the Sword, yet your Covenanting hand is obliged to employ the Pen in defence of the Good Old Cause.  Ph. 
I know that Seditious Pamphlets are excellent Hand-granadoes, and with these I have oft fired the Tinder of the Town, and all the Chaff and Stubble in the Country, but now I am haunted with Old Nobs the Bellman, the Varlet dog's me at every corner, and as soon as ever I give fire, he flies upon the Squib with his Extinguisher; and this is not all the mischief neither, for when he spies the first spark, he cries, fire, fire, and the Villain has got such a Speaking Trumpet, that his voice is heard from Dan to Beersheba, and so the Nation is Alarmed and my designs defeated.  
This is he that Expounded all the Algebra of Algernon, and the Riddles of russel's Speech.  Po. 
Pray, what is this Nobs?  Ph. 
He is Founder of a New Popish Order, called Observators, and his business is to be the King's Spectacle-maker, for by the help of his Glasses, every Purblind Tory can plainly read my Plots, and Intrigues, tho' close set in a Geneva Print.  Po. 
I have heard of this pestilent fellow, and have reason to believe him as much my Enemy, as yours, and if he be not silenced, he will do us more mischief than all the Guns in the Tower; I wonder you don't plant him upon Primrose-hill, or however, methinks your Guinny Company might bring over a Couple of Blacks to accuse him for a Roman Censor, and Swear they saw my Nuntio, pay him a Pension of a Thousand Guinny's.  Ph. 
I knew this would be the most Infallible Method to blast his Reputation, and therefore I did accuse him of Popery, but could not find one Believer in all the Privy Council.  
But I hope the Northern Stars will take the Covenant again in spite of Gadbury, and if ever I come to wear the Law by my side, and Magna Charta in my Pocket, I'll mount Old Momus upon the top of the Monument, he shall die like himself and hang with the most Universal Observation.  Po. 
I am convinced that it will be impossible to enthrone the Good Old Cause, without those mighty Engines of Popular Pamphlets, and Parliaments, and therefore, pray proceed in your methods of Propagation, for that is the utmost we can hope for in this Age.  Ph. 
Well then, I consider that the Cause can never be maintained by mere Mechanics, and should we send our Youth to Universities, they would be taught Obedience to Statutes, and wear off the Natural Abhorrence of white Linen and Liturgy; and thus being disciplined in those Seraglios, they would become a kind of Janissaries, and be taught to destroy that Religion into which they were Born, and this we have found by fatal experiments.  
And therefore to prevent this mischief, we have erected our Private Gymnasia, and in these Seminaries, we Read to our Youth the Politics and Divinity of Geneva; here they are taught the Natural Philosophy, and all the Liberal Arts and Sciences of Sedition, and Rebellion.  
These Gymnasia are our Spiritual Artillery-Grounds; here my Veterane Champions instruct their Young Volunteers in the management of Tongue and Face, how to fire a Mouth-granado, how to beat all the Points of War upon the Pulpit-drum; when to lie in Ambuscade, and when to raise their Batteries against the Government, how to Vndermine a Throne, and Sap the walls of a Cathedral.  Po. 
This Essential Policy, for neither Popery nor Presbytery can be Propagated without Seminaries, and therefore I suppose the design of your Gymnasia was borrowed from Douai and St. Omers, which places my Cardinal Bentivoglio ingeniously styles Military Stations, 
* Questi Seminarii sono come gli alloggiamenti militari, o ●c apprendono calor disciplina soldati spirituali c'nanno dopo a disender l ● causa cattolica in Inghilterra. Card. Benti. Relatione de prov. ubls. de Flandria, p. 209.  where my Spiritual Soldiery are disciplined in the Arts of Holy War, and are drawn out from thence to defend the Catholic Cause in England: Now you and I may every year send forth our several Detachments from these Spiritual Garrisons, and so we may beleaguer the Church of England on Bothsides; the only fear is that Lewis should beat up our Quarters in Flanders, and Charles should dismantle your Citadels in England.  Ph. 
Besides these Artillery-Companies, I have a Flying Squadron of Neutral Clergy, quartered within the Lines of the Church of England, and these, by their whispers in the Desk, and Noise in the Pulpit, do me more service in the Church, than all my Doctors in the Synagogue; for you know, one piece of Ordnance within the Ship, whose mouth is directed to the keel, if it be well charged, and fired, must do more fatal Execution, than a thousand shot at two mile distance.  
These men teach their people to clamour against the Canonical Clergy, and the Heights of Hierarchy, and dispose them for an easy Compliance to the Model of Geneva; and therefore upon the first revolution, they and their whole Brigades will come over to our Triumphant Banners.  
These men Resemble that Asian Sect, which the Turks call the Raphasis, who are neither Zealous Musselmen, nor devout Christians, but according as their humour and Interest move them, can Worship, either Christ, or Mahomet, and go indifferently, in Pilgrimage, to Meccha, or Jerusalem.  Po. 
These Ecclesiastic Neuters, and Lay-trimmers must do you excellent Service; and therefore I advise you to Court, and admire these men, as the Greater Saints and Wiser Subjects; for they must be Zealous loyalists, who uphold the Height, and Honour of a Government, but men of Cold, and Trimming Tempers will betray it with Indifferency, and Moderation, and look upon its Ruin with half a smile.  
What were they, who ruin'd my Authority in England, in the days of Henry the Eighth, but Trimming Papists? What were my Gibellines, that shaked the Papacy, in the Thirteenth Century, but Prudential Catholics? And those Bishops in the Council of Constance, and the Basilisks of Basil, who usurped the Prerogative of deposing Popes, and Decreed Me Inferior to a General Council, were all Romish Trimmers, and therefore why should not the Church of England suffer by Trimmers, as well as the Church of Rome?  Ph. 
Sir, Let me alone to make my advantage of these men's Tempers: But to proceed,  
My most Infallible art, to continue the Reputation of the Good Old Cause, is the Eminency of a Politic Sanctity, and Si vis fallere Plebem; finge Deos— is as good Latin in England, as ever it was at Rome.  Po. 
Pray, Let me know wherein your Sanctity consists?  Ph. 
In Sabbaths and Sobriety; for as for Faith, That relates to things not seen, and is a Virtue of itself, Invisible; Obedience to Superiors is mere Human Courtship and Slavery; and therefore doth not become the Privilege and Freedom of Saints; Meekness, Humility and Charity are all but Good Nature: But to be Sober and keep a Sabbath, are the most Popular signs of Grace and Sanctity.  Po. 
This is as gross a Cheat, as the Tears, and Bleeding of a Romish Image, for if Sobriety be the Grand Essential of Religion, Mahomet was a diviner Prophet than Jesus, for he was so far from Turning Water into Wine, that his Alcoran has Turned Wine into Water, and not only denied his Disciples the whole Firkins, but doth not allow them the juice of one single Grape.  
And if to keep a Sabbath, be the Great Character of a Saint, the Jew is as much a Christian as you.  Ph. 
Alas, this is too fine and Metaphysical for the Pia Matters of the Unthinking Crowd, and notwithstanding these reasons, the Cheat is popular and must prevail, a Staunch and demure Assassin will pass for a greater Saint in the opinion of the Vulgus, than a Damning Carousing Cavalier, and he, who like the Pharisee, can spend the whole Sabbath in Synagogues, and Long-prayers, may Plot against Caesar, and Rob Widows Houses for six days after, and yet keep the Reputation of a Saint.  Po. 
I know that a Reserved soberness must command the People's Veneration; but I most admire how you can Impose upon them that Melancholy Imposture of Sabbatizing.  
Your Turkish Brethren, when the Prayers of their Mosques are ended, can upon their Sabbath return to their common business, without the least charge of Profanation.  
The Jews in Barbary, after their devotions of the Synagogue, do spend the rest of their Sabbath in the utmost Gaiety, and briskest festivity.  
Your Dutch Brethren make no more scruple of Taverns, or Tables, upon a Sunday, than they did in burning the ships at Chattam.  
The whole Catholic Church did never look upon the Sunday as a Jewish Sabbath, but a Christian Festival; indeed they always took care for the Solemnities of public Religion, but when those Devotions of the day were ended, it did never forbid any Innocent Mirth, or diversion, but thought that Agreeable to so great a fesival.  

* Docemus ut in die solis quisque abstineat a mercatura, etc.  Your ancient Canons under King Edgar, did enjoin, that upon the Sunday all people should abstain from Trade, or Merchandise; they thought there was too much busy Care, and Uneasiness, in those affairs, to consist with the cheerful diversions of a Festival; and it was wisely provided by the Law of Canutus, 
Nemo die Dominico morti objicitor.  that no Criminal should be put to death upon the Lord's day; for such Executions of Justice, were Acts and Spectacles, too sad and severe; and would have soured the pleasures of a Feast.  
But those harmless diversions which only tend to the promoting of health, friendship, or pleasantness of mind, were never prohibited by any Law or Canon of the Catholic Church.  
I am sure you have neither Precept, nor Precedent, from Christ, or his Apostles, for your Sabbatical Severities.  
As for the Jews, they were a people so Base and Earthy, that they would have allowed no time for solemn devotion to God, or diversion to their domestics, and therefore God was pleased, next to his own honour, to provide for the ease and relaxation of the Jewish Labourers, for without the Laws of Sabbaths, the Jewish Servants had been as great Slaves in Israel as their Forefathers were in Egypt, and would have found no Jubilee, but the day of Death, and no Rest, but a Bed or a Grave: Therefore it is evident, that God did design the Sabbath to be a Cheerful Mixture, of devotion, and diversion, for if that whole day must have been spent in the Strictest Offices of Religion, that Restraint would have been more tedious to the youth and Servants of Israel, than the Plough, and the Spade, and would have looked more like the Rigour of a fast, than the favour of a Festival.  
However, That Law of the Sabbath was a peculiar Sanction to the Jews, and no more obliges the Christian World, than the Sacrificing of Bulls and Rams; now what I have said in this case, I have not spoke as a Pope, but the sense of a Common Catholic, and in the General defence of Christian Liberty, for in this matter, Rome is no more concerned than Rotterdam.  Ph. 
I consider that if the people should be allowed their Sunday-diversions, it would give them such a Gaiety, and Pleasantry of humour, that they would not have Malice enough to be Rebels, nor be sullen enough, for Schismatics; and therefore to gain the Reputation of Extraordinary Sanctity, and to continue the divisions in England by a Censorious, and morose Temper, I have preached up the Superstition of the Sabbath, both from the Pulpit and the Gallows.  Po. 
Pray tell me by what Sophistry you persuade the people into this delusion.  Ph. 
I tell them, that we Christians are bound to do God as much Service as the Jews, and shall the Jews keep holy the Sabbath day, and we Christians profane it?  Po. 
'Tis true, we are obliged to worship, fall down and kneel, in our solemn Addresses to the Divine Majesty, and to do this with as much Humility and Reverence as the Jews did in the Tabernacle, or Temple, tho' your Ruder Modes of Religion look more like Affront, than adoration.  
Nay, I grant that we have as much moral reason to observe the Lords day, as the Jews had for the observation of the Sabbath; but yet I can't think that howling and whining, sadness and sour Faces should be essential Sanctifications of a Festival; Indeed the honour of God ought first to be consulted, by the solemn homage of Public Religion, but when that service is devoutly performed, I see no profaneness in harmless and healthful diversions.  
When God enacted those Jewish Feasts of Weeks and Tabernacles, Mirth and Recreation was made an essential part of those Festivals, 
Every Feast called, was called Sabbath among the Jews.  they were as much obliged to rest from their Servile Labours upon those days, 
Exod. 34. 21.  as they were upon the Sabbath, 
Deut. 16. 10.  and to keep them as Solemn Feasts to the Lord; no doubt but they did repair upon those Feasts to a Holy place, and there did pay their Religious Homage to the Lord of the whole Earth; there they made a Solemn Commemoration of his peculiar providences, and offered up their first Fruits and Thanksgivings for the prosperity and harvest of Israel; but when these Religious parts were accomplished, the rest of those Festivals were to be spent in Mirth and Jollity, and that too, by Divine Command, Deut. 16. 14. And thou shalt rejoice in thy Feast, thou and thy Son and thy Daughter, and thy Manservant, and thy Maidservant, and the Levite, the Stranger and the Fatherless, and the Widow, that are within thy Gates: And that there might not be the undecency of a Sigh, or a sad Thought, to profane those Festivals, God repeats the injunction at the end of the fifteenth verse, Thou shalt surely rejoice: Now why the Jews should be allowed, nay enjoined to be Merry and Pleasant, upon their Festivals, and we Christians should be sad, and severe, upon Ours, I cannot understand; and therefore your Sabbatarian delusion is to me one of the greatest Miracles of Geneva.  Ph. 
But I tell the people, that we are bound to design and endeavour perfection, and are always obliged to do that which is most Religious: Now certainly to Read the Bible is better than to play at Football; to repeat Sermons is more Religious than to Dance in a Circle; and sure Prayers, tho' shot at Rovers, are fitter weapons for the Sabbath than Bows and Arrows; and singing of Psalms is a more Sanctified Music than ringing of Bells.  Po. 
Whether those persons whose Heads understand little more than their Feet, will not do less mischief with Footballs than with Bibles, is a great question at Rome, and whether the extravagance of your Random-prayers have not more wounded Religion, than all the Sunday-Bows and Arrows, may be doubted too; and whether ringing of Bells be not as solemn melody as singing of Psalms, may admit dispute, especially in those places, where there are Musical Bells and Mad Voices.  
But your whole argument is a mere Sophism, and is founded upon a false Postulatum, for we are not always bound to do that which is most Religious; indeed in matters which have a moral contrariety, there we are always obliged to do that which is good, and avoid that which is evil; but in two actions, where neither is evil, we may in due circumstances, do that which is Innocent, tho' not so great an Office of Piety as the other.  
Thus St. Paul tells us, that Virginity is a purer State than a Married Life, but yet if all Christians should think themselves obliged to this Angelic Perfection, and should neither Marry, nor be given in Marriage, because 'tis most Pious not to Touch a Woman, Christendom would be totally lost in the next Century, and the whole Earth become the habitation of Gog and Magog.  
To Pray, and to Worship God, are undoubtedly greater Acts of Religion, than to Blow and to Trade, but if all Christians should therefore desert the Shop, and the Field, and spend their days in Closets and Temples, Christendom must be fed by Miracles; and such superstition would look more like Frenzy than Devotion, and therefore, tho' to Pray be a more Pious office than to Blow, yet it is as Lawful in just Circumstances, to Blow, as it is to Pray: Thus tho' Preaching and Praying be more Religious services, than Sport and Pastime, yet such recreations as have no Moral Evil, and are not prohibited by any Divine or Civil Law, are certainly Innocent, and when the Public Devotions of the Sunday be duly performed, no man can offend by such diversions.  
But tho' you use this argument for Popular seducement, yet this is not your Rule of Practice: No question but to Pray and Worship God is far more Religious, than to Shed Blood, but yet you forgot this Divinity at the Battle of Edg-hill, and made no scruple of Murder, and Rebellion, tho' it was upon that day, which you call the Sabbath.  
For Subjects to make Prayers and Supplications for Kings, and all in Authority, and to live a Quiet life in all Godliness, and Honesty, and to leave it to the Lord of the whole world to influence the minds of Princes, and to dispose of their persons and Crowns; no question but this is far more Religious, than to usurp the Divine Prerogative, and set up whom we fancy, and pull down what Prince we please, but yet you and I don't think ourselves obliged to this height of Perfection.  
But how did you resent the September Thanksgiving?  Ph. 
Ah! Sir, it was to me a more melancholy day, than the Parliament-fast in the Popish Plot.  Po. 
The appointing that Thanksgiving upon a Sunday, was in my opinion a Politic design of the English Court, to cure the Nation of that sullen distemper of Sabbatizing, by that cunning Essay of Mirth, and Dominical Triumph.  Ph. 
I declam'd against those profane Bonfires, as Sacrifices to Moloch, and making the Children pass through the fire: The Author of the Practice of Piety hath recorded so many remarks of divine Vengeance upon Sabbath-breakers, that I did hope those unhallowed fires would have made some Cities like unto Sodom and Gomorrah, and left some Towns in Ashes; I did expect that the Gunpowder would have Sabbatized, and would not have been so Diabolical, as to have flashed into Fire and Brimstone: However I thought the Cannons might have proved like the fiery Furnace, and have destroyed those men, who kindled the Flame: But those Triumphing Profanations being not revenged by any fire or Thunderbolts from Heaven, I have lost my argument from Providence, and the Tories will fancy, that the fire and smoke of that day was a kind of Incense and Burnt-offering.  Po. 
I am afraid that the English Nation will become so wise and Ingenious, as to see through this Cheat, and recover their ancient Freedom and Generosity; and the want of Puritanick Scruples will be a mighty disadvantage to the Cause.  Ph. 
I grant that the Supererrogating Superstition of the Sabbath, is the Principal Foundation of Puritanisme, but I am secure of this advantage; for the Church of England itself does contribute to this delusion; for tho' Paul tell us, that the Ministration written in Stone is done away, yet Moses is read every Sabbath day in the English Churches, as well as in the Jewish Synagogues; and when the Minister (as if he came just from Mount Horeb) proclaims with a loud voice, Remember thou keepest holy the Sabbath day, it is impossible the people should forget to Sabbatise, and by this frequent Repetition of the Fourth Commandment, the word Sabbath must be continued in its popular vogue, and Sunday will be thought Profane, and Paganish; and hence it is, that not only my Disciples, but the undiscerning Proselytes of the Church of England, do commonly style the Lord's day the Sabbath day, and do mistake it for the very Sabbath in the Fourth Commandment.  Po. 
I see the Church of England was resolved to have the Reformation according to Law, and after the Pattern of the Mount; but I wonder they are not ashamed to Charge me with the Doctrine of Equivocation, when they themselves do every Sunday Equivocate both with God and Man: For the people are enjoined in express terms to observe the Jewish Sanction of the Sabbath, and to keep Holy the Seventh day, and yet all this time, the First day of the Week is only Intended, and when that Law of the Sabbath is fully pronounced, the people are taught to Pray, Lord have mercy upon us, and incline our hearts to keep THIS Law: So that the best sense, which can be put upon that mistaken Ejaculation is this, Lord we pray thee to give us grace to keep the Seventh day, but thou knowest we mean the first.  Ph. 
My Rabbis tell me, that the Ten Commandments being a Peculiar Sanction to the Jews, were never received into any ancient Liturgy of the Greek or Latin Churches; but the inserting them into the English Service was a very Fortunate Innovation, and I shall improve the advantage; for the Church of England is now under an inextricable Dilemma; if they continue this Mosaical Sanction, as part of their Christian Service, it must perpetuate the humour of Judaizing: If they should alter or expunge the Laws of Moses, it would cause such Popular Outcries, that they dare not adventure the consequence.  
It is the opinion of some, that the Evangelical Beatitudes were designed to answer the Ten Commandments, and therefore like them were delivered from the Mount; But yet if the Convocation should place those Beatitudes, and the whole Pandect of Christian Laws, in the room of the Two Tables, it would not amount to popular Satisfaction, for the Common people have as much, if not more, veneration for Moses, than they have for Christ; for they do not murmur against the Pictures of Moses and Aaron▪ tho' exposed in their holy places; but if these two Jewish Saints were removed, and the Pictures of Christ and his Apostles introduced into Churches, the people would clamour against the change as rank Popery.  Po. 
Well, you have abundantly convinced me, that a Judaizing Puritanisme must continue in England, as long as the Ten Commandments are continued in the Common-Prayer-Book; but have you no other Stratagem to propagate the Good Old Cause?  Ph. 
Truly at present I have no more in prospect, but only the hopes of a Toleration; to have our Religious exercises confined to Private Families, is like the restraint of Simple Marriage, and will never propagate with expedition, but a Toleration is a kind of Spiritual Polygamy, and if I can once again but espouse the Teeming Crowds, we shall Multiply like Jews, and bring forth Captains of Fifties, and Captains of Hundreds, and Captains of Thousands.  Po. 
If ever you have an Indulgence, you must thank Rome for the favour; but you can never expect it upon the account of your own Merit, for all your Plots, and Associations, your Insolences, and Conspiracies, are dated from the Last Indulgence, and tho' the King might forget that you denied his Father the favour of his own Chaplains, yet he can't but remember, how you abused his Grace, and what where the mischiefs of the Late Toleration; and therefore I am afraid you will be deceived in the hopes of a Second Indulgence.  Ph. 
To give the King his due, he is a Prince of great Humanity and good Nature, and his anger being appeased by a few bloody Sacrifices, I hope he may be persuaded that a freedom of Conscience in matters of Religion is the most Sacred Right, and Liberty of the Subject, and that such an Act of Grace would produce an Universal Calm, and force Assassins' to adore him; I know he can't long endure to hear the Groans and Doleful complaints of ruin'd Families, who pine under the pressure of Penal Laws, and since it is no time to affront him, I am resolved to appear as Patient as a Primitive Martyr; and thus I do hope that by the Intercession of mighty Friends, and the artifice of a feigned Humility, I may at length attain the Jubilee of a Second Indulgence, and then—  
But pray tell me, what is your Opinion concerning Toleration?  Po. 
I have a very good Opinion of a Toleration in England, but I will never allow it at Rome, for I am of the same mind with your Presbyterian, that if the Devil were to beg a favour, he would petition for an Universal Toleration, for beside the ill consequences of State-factions, and fierce Animosities, an Allowance of so many Divisions and Varieties in Religion, must occasion an Indifferency in loser minds, and make them dispute the very Fundamentals, and therefore I believe that a Toleration tends more to Atheism, than the Spanish Inquisition.  
But now I must leave you, and consult with the Imperial and Venetian Ambassadors concerning that grand Affair of the Turkish War; and since you are resolved for England again, I wish you a Short Voyage, and a Long Parliament.  Ph. 
Undone! undone! I spy an Englishman of War under full Sail, Top and Top Gallant, and he seems to pursue us.  Ital. Seamen. 
Well, what if it be? we are not Conscious to ourselves of any Affront to the King of Great Britain, we will not pretend to flee, we'll Furl our Sails, expect and Salute him.  Ph. 
Oh! that I had seen a Flag with Mahomet's Half Moon, it had been a far more pleasing prospect than the Ensign of the Cross: I had rather be a slave in Algiers, than a Prisoner in London.  Cavalier and a Guard. 
Gentlemen, is there not an English Fanatic, who under some Tuscan Disgnise has stolen into this Italian Bottom?  Ital. Seamen. 
Signore, we have on Board a very Sullen Melancholy Passenger, and he is now couched upon the Round Top, but we know nothing of his Religion, whether he Worship God or the D ●vil, Christ or Mahomet; we are very willing to part with him, for we have lost many of our Ships Company by a Bloody Flux, and have been tossed with Storm and Tempest ever since he embarked with us.  Caval. 
Come Soldiers, down with him, away with him, Disarm him, and clap him under Deck.  Ph. 
Is this Great and Generous, to Triumph over a naked Man, and not leave me a Sword to cut your Throat?  Cav. 
When the King shall think it Prudence to make Bedlam an Armoury, and all those Lunatics Granadeer; than you may expect he should return your Sword, and Trust you once more with his Militia and Magazines, but till then—  Ph. 
Oh! oh! oh! Spirits, Apparitions—  Cav. 
What's the matter?  Ph. 
There appears a Murdered King and Two Archbishops, the Ghost of Strafford, and one thin ghastly Ghost that looks like the shadow of an Umbra: Oh! oh! here comes whole Troops of Malignant Spectres, with Axes and Halters, Chains and Wounds.  Ph. 
[He Rages.] Fire! fire! the Devil Tavern is all on fire! O the Cause! the Cause! the Oats and the Votes, all in Flame in Brimstone!  
The King's Head has devoured the Dragon's Tail!  
Visions! Visions! The Half Moon is drowned in a Pipe of Greek Wine, and the Head of Titus discovers the whole Plot upon the Top of the North Pole!  
The French Bombs, thunder in the Vatican, and Charles' Wain drives over the Bear and the Scorpion!  
Now all is Dark, black as Egypt! Boy fetch me the Tinderbox of Aetna or Strombolo!  Cav. 
Ho, Soldiers, our Renegado is raging Mad, in a very high Distraction, Chain him quickly, for fear he fire the Ship, and leap over board.  
Well, now lash him, give him Forty stripes and one more.  Ph. 
Furies, Tories, Devils, Tormentors, oh—  Cav. 
Come, call the Surgeon, we must Bleed him too.  Surgeon. 
What Quantity Sir?  Cav. 
If his Veins were as large, and as full as the Channels of the Nile, and the Rhine, every drop could not expiate for his profuse Effusions of Sacred and Loyal Blood, but bleed him Eight and Forty Ounces.  
Well, now I wish, that this just method might reduce him to a sober mind, and to a quiet and Governable Temper, till than I will leave him in Irons, and he that gives him liberty, as long as he is a Fanatic, must have madness enough to be entitled to his Chains.  
FINIS.