NEWS FROM HELL: OR, THE Devil's Court IN AN UPROAR.  
HIS DEVILSHIPS falling Sick, upon the News of the Pope and Poperies likely Downfall.  
HIS Last WILL and TESTAMENT.  
HIS LEGACIES to the POPE and JESUITS; AND To other SINNERS in particular.  
WRITTEN by S. V.  
LONDON, Printed for R. G. MDCLXXIII.   

NEWS FROM HELL: OR, The Devil's Court in an Uproar.  
THe Devil upon his late Conference with, and the courteous Entertainment, and fair Promises he received from his Holiness the Pope, they having jointly considered and taken care for the good of Souls; that is, how he may have whole shoals come in amain; which he is certain to have, if that they will but embrace his Holinesses Doctrines, and put in practice his most Immaculate Commands; as in Murdering Heretics, Deposing of Princes, Blowing up of Parliaments, and such like: his Devilship, I say, has been carousing it amongst his damnable Associates, and kept open House for all that came; which I verily believe few have done besides a Jesuit or two. But on a sudden he heard an Echo crying, Honesty gins to get ground, Popery like to be wholly suppressed, and Virtue like to be embraced: At which the Grand Sophy of the Satanical Synagogue belched out a groan, the rebound of which left all the Stygian Hellhounds in a most clamorous howling; they presently run all about their Father of mischief, to know what qualm came over his stomach. H● darting an eye upon them able to confound a thousand Conjurers in their own Circles, (though with a wet finger they could fetch up a little Devil) mumbling out, Hell is undone. Why? yelped all the rest. An Armado (quoth he) cannot save us. Our Legions in the World next above are overthrown; all those Battalions that warred under the Colours of our red and fiery Dragon, are debauched: 
Jesuits.  suffer this brack in our Acherontic Territories, and hotter assassinations will every day pellmell maul us. All about him cried, They would never endure it.  
Whilst this indigested mischief lay broiling on their stomaches, room was made for an Intelligencer. The Devil gnashed his 
Jesuit.  teeth, and asked, If the news were currant? It was answered, Yes.  
hay (cries the Messenger) to unclasp a Book of my memorandum; Let me be hung in Chains of Ice, (as you are in Fire, if I lie) and be bound to eat Flakes in the frozen Zone for a thousand years, if the Globe of the Terrestrial World be not new moulded; the Ball of it hath none of the old stuffing: Catholics turn Heretics, Jesuits burn their Books and Beads; Bellarmine's Doctrines, which by your assistance have got ground, are now confuted; Transubstantiation turned out of doors. Not an Inch of Knavery in a short time will be had for Love nor Money. If you would give a Million of Gold, you shall not have a Courtier ere long in Debt; if you would bestow a thousand pounds' worth of Tobacco on a Soldier to swear a Garrison-Oath, he would die ere he will do it. All Rich Men besides begin to be Liberal, Poor Men not Contentious, Beggars not Drunk, Lawyers not Covetous, rich Heirs not riotous, Citizens not envious, Clowns most religious. No more, cried the Tartarian Tramagrant. The other stopped in his career; and it was time: for this last Cannon shot through both his Broadsides; the fall of this Millstone had almost burst his Heart; he sighed nothing but flashes of Fire; spit nothing but flakes of Brimstone; wept nothing but scoops full of Scalding water: for now he saw the dilaceration of his own Luciferan Kingdom, and the Exaltation of his Enemies. Out of his presence he commanded all; they break their Necks for haste. He bawled for Music; ten thousand Soul● were presently set a yelling. He took no pleasure in it▪ he felt himself damnably heart-burnt; pangs worse than the tortures of everlasting Death fell upon him, and no hope of his recovery; which made an unexpressible howling in Hell.  
No amendment being in him, he called for Physicians; but not one would come near him, they knew his payment too well: for Apothecaries they were subtle enough, and cared not for his custom. He then roared out for a cunning Scrivener to make his Will: one was at his elbow presently, him he hugged in his arms, and cried out, Welcome my Son, thou shalt for ever bind me unto thee. Sir Satrap Satan then goes on, and tells him, He is fallen into a low and miserable estate, his case is desperate; and therefore being utterly given over, he sends for him to make his last Will and Testament: and so Signior Scrivano begins, 〈◊〉 gallops as fast with his Pen, as Monsieur Diabolo could with his Chaps. The Will runs in th●se words, or words to this effect following: Viz.  


His Will.  BEhemah Dornschweyn, Prince of all that lies betwixt the East and West, the North and South; mighty both on the Sea and the Land, chief Vayvode of Usury, Simony, Bribery, Perjury, Forgery, Tyranny, Blasphemy, Calumny, etc. (my Vassals and Deputies, with all their petty Officers under them) Patron of all that study the Black and Necromantic Arts; Father of all the roaring Boys, the Founder and Upholder of Paintings, Dawbing, Plaistering, Pargetting, Consuring, Cementing, Winkle-filings, and b●tchings up of old decayed and weatherbeaten Faces: being confounded and tormented in every Limb, but having my Memory and Wits fresh and lively, do make this my last Will and Testament in manner and form following.  

Legacies.  Imprimis, I will bequeath the World (whereof I am Prince) with all the Pleasures, Enticements, and sorcerous Vanities thereof, to be equally distributed amongst my Sons and Daughters; and because (of my own knowledge) I find very many of them to be damnably wick●d: I lay upon all such a Father's heavy curse, not caring though they hang in Hell, because they have run a villainous, impious, pr …ous and devilish Life and Race  

To Ladies.  It●m, To all those Ladies, Gentlewomen and Citizens Wives, (being set down by their Names in my black Book) to whose houses I have been welcome at midnight, my Wis● is, that they all sh●ll mourn.  

To Usurers.  Item, I further will and bequeath to my loving and d●●●est Friends, the Usurers of this City, all such Moneys as are now, or hereafter shall be taken at above the rate of Ten in the Hundred.  

To Gallants that follow him.  My will is, that every Gentleman that serves me, shall be kept in his Chain; yea, the worst that hath followed me, let him go in a black Suit of durance.  

To Harlots.  Item, Whereas I have many base Daughters lurking about the Suburbs, I give to them Carbuncles a piece, the biggest that can be gotten. 
To Bawds.  And to those Matrons (that for my sake have been ever dear to those my said Daughters) I give to each of them a bottle of the same Aqua Vitae whereof I myself drink.  

To Bankrupts.  Item, I give my invisible Cloaks to all Bankrupts, because they have made them; but to one Poet only (called Po●t Comedy) I give my best invisible Cloak, because it better fits his shoulders than my own; but chief, for that he will trim it up well, and line it with, Come not near me; or, Stand off: And because he is a Slip of mine own grafting, I likewise bequeath to him my best Slippers, to walk and play with his Keeper's noses.  

To Officers.  Item, I give to all Officers that love me, a brace of my own Angels to hang about their Necks as a remembrance of me.  

To Brokers.  Item, My will is, that all the Brokers in Long-lane be sent to me with all speed possible, because I have much of them laid to pawn to me, which will (I know) never be redeemed; and what I give to them shall be in Hugger mugger: and for the rest of their Brethren about the City, let them be assured, they shall not be forgotten, because I hear they pray for me hourly; I pity these poor despised Souls, because if they should miss me, I know not what will bec●me of them  

For repairing the way to Tyburn.  Item, I give towards the mending of the High w●y b●t●een Newgate and Tyburn, all the Gr●vel that lies in the Kidneys, Reins and Bladders of Churls, Usurers, B●●●s, Harlot's, and Whoremasters a●d rather than th●s● Gravel pits should grow scanty, I wish that they be supplied continually.  

To Jailors  Item, I give to all Jailors a●● Keeper's of Prison's, t● ev●ryone of them, the Soul of 〈◊〉 Bear, (t● b● Ravenous;) the B●dy of a W●lf, (to be Cruel;) the Speech of a Dog, (t● b● Churlish;) the Tall●ns of a Vulture, (to be Gras●ing;) and my Countenance to bear them out in their Office, that they may look like Devils to the poor P●is●ners.  

To Bully-cocks.  Item, My will is that if any Bully-cock happen to be stabbed, swaggering or s●●aring in a Tavern (or to be killed in the quarrel of his Wh●re, let him be fetched hither in my own Name) because here he shall be both looked to, and provided f●r.  

To the Pope and Jesuits.  Item, I give unto my white S●n● (whom th● World call Jesuits) to each a thimble full of my Brains▪ f●r truly I have been more beholden to them, than to my l●●ing Friends th● Beakers; for by their making Adultery and Fornication Venial Sins▪ they have h●lp me to thousands of Souls, whi●h otherwise had n●ver been wasted over into our Acherontic Territories.  

To the Devils Overseers.  Lastly, I make and ordain by this my l●●t Will and Testament, a Common Barret●r to be my Executor; and two Knights, who are my sworn Servants, and ●●e of the P●●● (their Names and Service being nailed upon Pillars in W●●tmin●ter Hall and Palace, I make them (albeit they are purblind) my Overseers; and f●r their pains therein, I will bequeath to each of them a great round Pearl to be worn in th●ir Eyes, because I may be still in their sight when I am g●n● from them.  
And to testify that this is my last and only Will which shall stand, I subscribe my Name unto it, thereby renouncing, retracting revocating, disanulting, and quite cancelling all other will formerly by me made whatsoever: In witness whereof, all the States Infernal, Avernal, Acherontic, Stygian, Phlegetontick, and Periphlegetontick, have likewise subscribed, in the year of our Reigning in the World 5674.   
Monsieur Noverint (being a man whose conditions were too well known) had nothing said to him at this time, because the Devil was very bad, and had no stomach to talk of old reckon (for Universe was in his debt) but had his payment, and was glad he got away.  
Now as it often happens to rich Curmudgeons, that after they have settled their Estate on their Deathbeds, (as they verily fear) and that their Wives gape to be Widows, that from their Husband's Coffin they may leap into a Coach and be Ladies; their Sons and Heirs cursing as fast (as the Mothers pray) until the great Capon-bell ring out; the Daughters weeping (when they know their Portions) only because they are not Marriageable; or if Marriageable, because ere they mourn in black, they have not Suitors to make them merry: and the Kindred as greedy (for their parts) to se● the Winding-sheet laid out, that they may fetch their fat Legacies. And then (Oh terrible then!) the old Fox revives, falls to his sleep, calls for his victuals, feels himself m●nd, remembers his Bags, cries out for his Keys, seals up his Money; no talk of a Will, no hope of a Widow, no sharing of his Wealth. Even the selfsame Pill took this Diego Daemonum, and recovered upon it: for all his Children, Acquaintance, and Servants standing about him, howling and crying for him, Behold! this howling of theirs made him almost out of his wits, that madness quickened his spirits, his spirits made him rouse up himself, and with rousing he began to look into what danger he was fallen; and by looking into it, to devise Plots again to raise it. Hereupon a Synod was called of all the subtlest and plaguest Praters in Hell, of which there are good store. Magog Mammon there discovers his Disease, the cause of it, and his peril: His fear is, that his Kingdom would now be sorely shaken, and his sorrows, because all they should be sure to smart for it more than he himself; he therefore craves their Infernal counsel.  
They all Conser, they Cousult, and from that Consultation (after many Villainous Projects tossed upon their Horns, like Dung upon Pitch-forks, and smelling worse) this Advice was hatched, and had feathers sluck on the back, the rest were plucked naked: and this it was; That Minotaur Poluphem (the Sire of all those Whelps barking thus in the Kennels of Hell) should forthwith put fire into his old bones, and fall to thrashing of the Dam to get more Hellhounds, (brave young Devils) whom he may (like Tumblers) hoist from one Friends shoulder up to another, and so pop them into the World; and they going again to Bull with other black Goblins, may engender what Monsters they please, to set all the World, and all the People in it out of Tune; and the worse Music they make, the more sport it is for him.  
This Act was Filled upon Record, most Voices carried it away: The Council flowed currant; the Court is adjourned; and the great Beglherby of Limbo falls hotly to his business. Now you must understand, that the Devil being able to get Children faster than any Man else, he had no sooner touched his old Laplandian Guenevora, but she as speedily quickened; and no sooner quickened, but was delivered, and lay In; and had at this Litter, or Burden, two Twins.  
The Father gave to each of them a Name; the one was called Hypocrisy, the other Ingratitude. 
Both 〈◊〉 s●its  Hypocrisy. was put to Nurse to an Anabaptist of Amsterdam, but Ingratitude was brought up at home. In a short time they were able to practise any Tricks that were taught them: So that being ripe for Masters, Hypocrisy was presently bound to a Puritan Taylor by his Nurse; and did nothing but make Cloaks for Religion to wear of a thousand Colours. He ran away from the Tailor, and then dwelled with a Vizard-maker; and there he was the first that invented wearing of Two Faces under a Hood. After this he traveled into Italy, and there Learned (and since he hath Taught Jesuits) to Embrace with one Arm, and Stab with another; to Smile in your Face, yet wish a Poniard in your Bosom; to Protest, and yet Lie; to swear Love, yet Hate mortally. From Italy he came into the Low Countries, where he would drink only with a full Glass, to overreach you in your Cups of your Bargain. 
Further description of a Jesuit.  Out of Germany he is again come over into England; his Lodging is uncertain, for (like a Whore) he lies : he sometimes is at Court, and is there exceeding full of Compliments; he goes sometimes like a threadbare Scholar, but with looks humble as a Lambs, and as innocent; but his Heart prouder than a Turks to a Christian. He hath a bewitching Presence, a sweet Breath, a musical Voice, and a warm sort Hand, but it is dangerous to keep Company with him, because he can alter himself into sundry shapes: In the City he is a Dog, and will sawn upon you; in the Fields he is a Lion's Whelp, and will play with you; in the Sea he is a Mermaid, and will sing to you: but that fawning is but to reach at your Throat; that playing is to get you into his Paws; and that singing is nothing else, but to sink and confound you for ever.  
This Ficture of Perdition (Hypocrisy) was not drawn so smoothly, so cunningly, but his Brother (Ingratitude) though there went but a pair of shears betwixt them, was as ugly in shape, and as black in Soul; he was a Fiend in proportion, and a Fury in condition: It catcheth at any thing, but cannot see the Party from whom it receives.  
This is that Torpedo, which if we touch, a numbness strikes all our joints and we have no feeling one of another. This is he which makes one forget God and his Country, the King and his Kindred, only to please the Devil his Father. He that this day hath been comforted with thy Fire, fed with thy Bread, relieved with thy Purse, and kept from being lousy with thy Linen, to morrow will be ready to set the same House on fire that hide him from cold; for thy Bread, to give thee Stones; for the Money thou lentest him, to sell thee (like a Judas;) and for thy Linen which wrapped him warm, glad to see thee in danger to go naked. Thus have we this Gorgoa in his livest colours; because therefore that the odiousness of this Beast should still be in our Eyes, God hath Hieroglyphically figured it in many of his Creatures.  
The Viper is an Emblem of it, whose young ones gnaw out the B●lly in which they were bred. So is the Mule, whose paunch being full with sucking▪ she kicks her Dam. So is the Ivy, which kills that by wh●ch it climbs. And so is Fire, which destroys its Nourisher.  
My purpose was, when the Grand Helea had gotten these two Furies with nine Lives, only to have drawn the Curtains of her Childbed in which she lay ●n, and to have shown no more but the well-favored Fa●es of her p●ir of Monkeys; but you see I have from her withered Teats brought them to their Cradles, from their Cradles carried them to Nurse, and from thence followed them till they were able to do service in the World: how they h●ve sp●d, you h●ar, and how they are like to prosper, you may judge.   
FINIS.