A Wise Virgin's Lamp Burning; OR, God's sweet incomes of LOVE to a gracious soul waiting for him. BEING The EXPERIENCES of Mrs. ANNE VENN, (Daughter to Col. John Venn, & Member of the Church of Christ at Fulham:) written by her own hand, and found in her Closet after her death. Wherein is declared her exceeding frequent Addresses to the Throne of Grace, and how speedily answered.  
Written for the comfort of such as mourn in Zion, and quickening of Saints by her blessed Example.  Psal. 30.5. 
Weep may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.  Psal. 66.16. 
Come and hear all ye that fear God, I will declare what he hath done for my soul.  Psal. 85.8. 
I will hear what God the Lord will say, for he will speak Peace to his people.  Lam. 3.25. 
The Lord is good to them that wait for him, to the soul that seeketh him.  
LONDON, Printed for E. Cole, and are to be sold at the sign of the Printing-Press in Cornhill. 1658.   

Christian Reader,  
HEre mayest thou see the free, frequent & familiar intercourse betwixt the Lord & a godly soul, her continual Addresses to him, and his gracious Returns to her; doubtless she was one that (as it is said of Caleb) followed God fully, and lay as much in the bosom of Christ as any that I have heard of; a rare pattern in these cold declining times, wherein so many either turn aside from the truth, or else lose their first Love; but her pious soul (in an eminent manner) kept Truth and Zeal warm her in heart even till she enjoyed full communion with her beloved in Heaven. As she began to seek after God betimes about the age of nine years) so she continued with her loins girt, her Lamp burning, and her Light shining more and more till the perfect day. The tenderness of God, the malice of Satan, her patience in waiting on God for certain years t gether in her first conversion, were remarkable: The closeness of her spirit (not opening her condition to such as might have relieved her) her seeking to heal herself by duties and holy walking, for a long time kept down her soul from looking up to the free Grace in Christ, till she was even tired out (as Noah's Dove by fluttering upon the unsteady waters) but then the Lord Jesus put forth his hand, and took her weary soul into the Ark of his rest, giving her such a clear sight of himself, that now having with the Spouse found her beloved, she took him, and caught him, and held him, and would not let him go, oft saying with the Spouse, Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth, for his love is better than Wine; being able from that time to sing the sweet Song of Simeon, longing to be at home with her Jesus. Oh the peace and or! Oh the blessed revivings and quickenings! Oh the prayer, praises and admirings her precious soul was filled withal from that day forward (though now a●d then some secret withdrawings) to the last moment of her life! Her conversation was in heaven; she walked with God; her heart loosened from this world (as this Treatise fully speaks) so much of her strength, spirit, affection, and time she spent in Closet-meetings with God in reading, praying, meditation, self-examination, etc. that it was a wonder her poor weak body was able to subsist; and doubtless, had not God renewed her strength, anointing her with fresh oil, it could not have been. I marvelled (I confess) to see so many of her writings found in her Closet as I did.  
God gave her a quick wit, a large understanding, a considering spirit; and looking much into herself, taught her to put an high price on ordinances, made her very diligent in the use of all means laid her very low in her own eyes, with much self-emptiness; & thus bespoko a la ge room in her heart that he might bestow a great deal of Christ therein, and so made her a Vessel capable of a greater measure of Grace then (I am persuaded) many others (though truly godly) attain on this side heaven.  
So exceeding tender was her heart in point of sin, that she would often and deeply judge herself (as this Treatise abundantly shows) for pride, passion, inordinate love to the creature, neglect of duty to her relations, etc. whereas those that daily conversed with her (being of discerning spirits) could see no such appearances, but the contrary frame of spirit eminently shining out in her; she was so afraid of pride, that she dared not wear such Jewels & apparel as she had by her, for fe●r her heart should be drawn from God thereby; and so fearful of vain glory, that though she had this Treatise of the incomes of God lying by her, yet not any (no not her dear Parents) ever knew thereof, till they found it in her Closet after her death; her sell leaving this as the reason, lest her wretched heart should be lifted up and others should think better of her than was meet.  
She was such an high prizer of Ordinances, that she forgetting the weakness of her own body, the length of the way, & many other obstructons, would frequently break through all to enjoy them; and when she was to hear she first was full of prayer to God to meet her therein, and make out some discoveries to her soul, which the Lord usually did; and she straightly observing Gods incomes, returned with praise her deep acknowledgements of the same.  
No small importunities of very many godly that knew her, have forced the publishing of this Treatise; and others of long standing in Christ and eminent Grace, who have seen some of it in Manuscripts, have freely confessed they never looked into it but were much humbled to so how short themselves come in such heart-searching, self-judging, close-walkings with God, and such observe of the answer of their prayers as they read in this her daily practice.  
I hope it may be useful in these declining times to convince some Christians of their slackness, and awaken others, and show them how to make more heart-work by the example of one of the weak Sex; and if to thy knowledge it should not add much, yet to thy spirit and practise it may conduce not a little.  
Thine in our dearest Lord and Head, THO. WELD.   

To all that love the appearance of the Lord Jesus, Grace and Peace.  
BEing called upon by the earnest importunity of many gracious souls, to give forth my testimony of this blessed servant of Christ, Mr Anne Venn; and having had many years converse about the great matters of eternal life with her, and enjoying her society for some years in the holy fellowship of the gospel, I could not but present to the Saints the sweet savour of her holy walking, in which she was a lively example to all that knew her.  
The Lord first broke in upon her heart by the frequent impressions of the Word as they were instilled into her by her honoured father, whose practice was to reinforce the Truths publicly preached in his Family upon his Children and Servants; and by this means this daughter and one of his servants were brought home unto the Lord; and which I mention as an alarm to the Saints to the practice of this duty, which seems in this licentious age to be so greatly neglected. She had this honour to enjoy the endeared affection of all Saints that conversed with her, as being eminent in these graces: First, in love to all Saints though of different Judgements; where she discerned any characters of Christ's image, her heart delighted in them, which grace shined the more clearly because she lived in a time wherein the contrary evil most prevailed.  
Again, she was eminently exemplary in that holy art of the Improvement of the society of the Saints, by serious propounding of prepared questions about matters of most infinite concernment, with such wisdom in searching out the deepest of the Treasures God had laid up in others hearts; that she grew abundantly in experimental knowledge of saving Truths, and was able and ready to communicate richly unto others.  
She was a most diligent Christian in attending all the Ordinances; and in every administration did hearken what God said to her soul; and as her soul waited for some discoveries of God, so the shining forth of God in his counsels and comforts she did abundantly enjoy.  
She was a careful Observer of the Lords day, and found such profit in the ways of the Almighty, that his Day was her delight and she requently was filled in her soul as with marrow and fatness.  
She was a steady Christian in reeling times, and received nothing for truth but what she would often weigh in the balance or the Sanctuary, and upon solid grounds lay up in her heart, or put forth in her practice.  
And for her diligence and industry about heavenly things she so far abounded, that whoever hath the sight of her labours would not easily conceive so much could be done in one whose life was so short.  
She wrote her daily Meditations upon the holy book of God, which she kept in a book fair written.  
She contracted all she heard in the public Ministry into a method, & in a book in Folio hath fairly transcribed some part of that work which would have contained the substance of all the labours of the Ministers of Christ, whose Ministry she was partaker of: And in another had written all the attributes of God and Christ that she could find in Scripture for the strengthening of the saith of believers. The truth is, she was a soul wholly dedicated to the Lord, and in her whole conversation humble, and holy, and tenderhearted.  
One truly weaned from this world, weary of it, and often breathing out holy long to be with Christ, frequently saying, What is there in this dark world that should cause a Christian to desire to continue in it? And as she longed to be at home, so the Lord hastened the time, and in her tender years gathered her to himself. And in her death she shown forth a gracious frame of spirit, and with holy confidence in Christ resigned herself to him.  
And such was haet holy jealousy of any pride or hypocrisy that might arise by discovering of her labour, that until she fell asleep in the Lord her writings came not to the view of any.  
Thus this blessed soul walked with the Lord, and these things are recorded of her for our example, that we may tread in her steps, and be followers of her as he she followed Christ, which is the hearty desire of him who is a servant of Christ and his Church,  
Isaac Knight.   


O My soul, what hath been the Method and manner of the Lords working that effectual work of his upon thy heart, (which thou hast some comfortable hopes, is begun by him, and shall be carried on in thy soul to the glory of his own grace) set them down as the Lord shall enable thee, according as he hath been pleased from time to time, and from year to year to make it out to thee, that so if the Lord please, it may stand thee instead in an evil day, I mean a day of inward or outward affliction; and the Lord help thee to do it as in his sight, who is the searcher of all hearts, and knows better than thou dost, what work himself hath wrought in thee; but so fare as he hath or shall please to enable thee, to discern it in thy own heart, set it down, and let it lie upon record, against all the temptations of Satan, that great adversary of thy soul.   

IN the year 1635 when I was yet very young being not (at the most) full nine years old, the Lord was pleased through the preaching of his word (as I conceive) together with my father's repeating and farther pressing it home upon our spirits, to begin to work upon my heart, and to give in some kind of desires after the best things; whereupon I began to take some delight in hearing the word, but most of all in reading to myself, in which I then spent many hours if not whole days: the Lord setting the one and the other so home upon my spirit, as to convince me both of my sinful and miserable condition by reason of my continual breach of his holy laws, and grieving the spirit of my parents, the which was much set home upon me by reading Mr. Dod upon the commandments and the like treatises, whereupon I had a temptation to curse the day of my birth, which in some measures I consented unto, often wishing that I had never been born, or at the least had died from the breast, as I saw some of my Brothers, esteeming their condition to be much better than mine, they never living to commit any actual sin, and therefore (as I then thought) should without all doubt go to Heaven, but for myself I did really think and fear that I should certainly go to Hell; then being put out to board for a quarter of a year to one who pretended much skill and ability for the cure of some weakness that I then lay under, which being a very profane family, although I was yet very young, yet being so contrary to those ways I had been brought up in (to come now to hear continual cursing, and swearing, and profaning the Lords day, and being forced to be in their company not daring by reason of those fears I then lay under to be alone, and so sometimes prevailed with (once or twice) to play upon the Lord's day,) I thought myself all this while to be in the belly of hell, being thereunto condemned by my own conscience, so that I could receive no contentment in all the fullness of those outward things which I there enjoyed, but was restless until I got home again being yet only convinced of my actual evils.  
But when the Lord was pleased, by the ministry of his word, and other private instructions going along with it to convince me in some measure of my original corruption that I brought into the world with me; then did the Lord enable me, to see that all my former desires would have been nothing, but that I might even then have gone to hell as well as afterward: whereupon I was much troubled, and very desirous to read and hear all the marks of a righteous man that should go to heaven, and accordingly I got a book called Mr. Roger's evidences, and an other called the Touchstone of true Grace, an other called None but Christ, and divers others; which I did daily read on for many hours together.  
Then came the Devil upon me with this temptation, that I should keep all this my trouble to myself, and not discover it to any, although never so near or dear unto me, which temptation I wholly yielded unto, and that for many years together, until I even destroyed my bodily health with continual troubles, fears and sadness, but not discovering any cause of it; so that all the support I had, was what the Lord was pleased to hand out to me by hearing and reading, which he was pleased to make effectual still to lead me on, though with much trouble and sadness: then in the beginning of these troubles being in the year 1638. or 1639. I being some 12 or 13 years old, which being times of great fears and sadness, the people of God met often and spoke one to an other, and kept days of humiliation, and seeking the Lord in the behalf of the nation and his poor people in it, my parents often going to these meetings, but not daring to tell me it, the times being so dangerous; at last having often observed the frame of their spirits at such times more especially, I began much to long and desire to know whither they went, and being very importunate with my Mother to that end, and at last prevailing, she was content to let me go along with them, which was so pleasing to me that ever after I continued to go with them every week almost, and sometimes oftener; where I found often much refreshment, especially bearing up my heart under those eminent dangers, which in an especial manner we lay open unto; which the Devil perceiving to be agreat encouragement to me in the way I now desired to walk in, used many temptations working together with the corruptions of my own heart, in this estate of my childhood, to hinder me from enjoying these opportunities; as some times sleepiness, being fain to go early in the morning and cold, it being in the deep of winter, etc. with several other temptations, as the danger if we should be taken, as some had been, and all this to discourage me: which sometimes he well nigh accomplished, but pondering it sin my mind, and being enabled to conceive it to be but a temptation, I durst very seldom, if ever, give way to them but was still enabled to break through. Though truly I have much admired since, how my spirit was carried out in those days in joining in prayer, etc. how exceedingly sometimes my heart was wrought upon and constrained to pour forth tears and groans, yea my heart was wrought up to such a frame, and I found so much sweetness (as I apprehended) in the company of the saints, and those enjoyments my soul felt in such duties, that I thought I could freely and cheerfully lay down my life with them, more freely than I fear I could long since.  
Master Love then coming to London and sometimes meeting him at these private meetings, and so having some knowledge of him, and being afterwards chosen Chaplain to my father's Regiment, and so going to Windsor with us, about the year 1642. and so living in the house with us, for 2 years a half, who at our first going perceiving much sadness to lie upon my spirit, and knowing by experience what a troubled spirit was; (he having formerly lain under it for divers years,) did at last seriously burden me with it, which coming upon me in such a nick of time, (having but a little before been reading in a little book that I had, wherein I was directed that if any trouble lay upon my spirit I should reveal it that so I might receive satisfaction; which pondering with in myself) I durst not deny it but tell him in some measure the ground of my trouble, and he endeavouring to satisfy me from the word; which he had no sooner done in any measure, but still the Devil gins with new and fresh temptations, and when what had been said to me was a little out of my mind (which he would soon find occasion to put out) then comes he over with the old temptations again, working them fresh upon my thoughts, endeavouring still to drive me to despair of ever receiving any mercy of God. Then stood I convinced from the word and divers instruction I met withal grounded thereupon, that it was my duty to perform private duties as well as public, as prayer, meditation, examination, and the like, which I knew not how to set about in a serious manner being every way unfit for it and unable to it, so that often through neglect and mis-performance this also added to my trouble and sadness.  
Then hearing Mr. Love preach upon that Scripture, Mat. 5. 20. For I say unto you, Except your righteousness shall exceed the righteousness of the Scribes and Pharisees you shall in no wise enter into the kingdom of heaven. And hearing how fare the Pharisees went in the performance of duties and avoiding of evils, etc. which I saw myself so short of, which made me conclude, I should also be short of heaven, my eyes & understanding being then withheld from the right understanding of the spiritual sense of that Scripture, (which since the Lord of his rich grace hath enabled me to see fulfilled in the Lord Jesus, who is mine through faith.)  
A while after he did also preach upon that Scripture, in Heb. 12. 15, 16, 17. Looking diligently, lest there be any fornicator, or profane person, as Esau, who for one morsel of meat sold his birthright. For you know, how that afterward when he would have inherited the blessing, he was rejected: for he found no place of repentance, though he sought it carefully with tears. Upon the hearing of which it was suggested to me that I had never sought the blessing so diligently, carefully, and importunately as profane Esau did, and therefore should much more go without it; the thoughts of which scriptures among divers others, struck so deep in me that it much increased my sadness, so that I could take little delight in any thing in the world, but as often as I could refusing to go into any company, choosing rather a solitary life, yet still endeavouring to keep all to myself, making nothing known but only those daily bodily weaknesses, which did also accompany me in great measure.  
In this condition I continued for that time I was at Windsor, being often condemned in my own conscience, for my neglect of duties and commission of sin, etc. And what ever had at any time been spoken to me in way of comfort (by Mr. Love, who only was acquainted with my fears) it took no hold upon me at all, nor abode upon my spirit save only in the minute it was spoken; for, the truth is. I was then too remiss in taking notice or observing the passages of God's providence towards me, not being able then to believe that it was indeed a work of God upon my soul, which since, through grace, he hath been pleased more evidently to declare.  
Then coming from thence to London much about the year 1645. being now a little instructed in the notional knowledge of many points in religion, I had now a new temptation besetting me in this manner; that if I would but walk more closely with the Lord and make more conscience of all known duties, whether hearing, prayer, meditation, examination, etc. That then I might more comfortably look up unto the Lord, and also find in myself divers qualifications, annexed to several promises, which might much comfort me, which work I began to set about, endeavouring to tie myself strictly to it, and according as I was able, desiring the Lord's assistance, and withal making him many promises, that if he would make out love to me I would be and do thus and thus.  
But upon trial finding myself to fail in every thing, sometimes through temptation to neglect or put off duties for a time, which was occasioned many ways, sometimes being in company I could not well leave or the like, all which, weighing in my mind, did still augment and increase my trouble, finding this strict course (though yet I could not keep close to) to be a burden to me, with many such wicked thoughts, whereby I came to apprehend myself, as it were, still farther and farther from heaven, and happiness, in all which time I could find little ground of any comfort, unless taken from my desires, which I could not apprehend constant neither.  
But endeavouring still to go on in this poor way of performances. I had some small comfort, finding (as I thought) some qualifications in my soul which were annexed unto divers promises, where-upon I was somewhat at the present stayed, and began to gather up some tottering hopes of the goodness of my condition from Mat. 11. 28. and such like Scriptures.  
Then living near unto Mr. Love, and the Presbyterian government being then about to be set up, I had much strife in myself whether to join with them in it or no, and so to partake of the ordinances whereby I might come to have my interest in the Lord Jesus Christ sealed up unto me, being exceeding fearful lest if I should slight or put off such an opportunity, it might be laid to my charge another day, that I had it offered me but would not accept of it, so that at last I resolved to join with them and partake of the ordinance, that so I might come to have my graces strengthened, and my corruptions weakened, and also come to enjoy more communion with Jesus Christ which I had some weak distracted though no abiding hopes of.  
Thus having been before the elders & there examined somewhat touching my knowledge, etc. and the time of administration of the Lords-supper drawing nigh; I endeavoured for some days before, in a serious and solemn manner to set myself in the Lord's presence, beseeching him to fit me for it, together with the examination of my own heart both touching my duties and graces, as also touching my sins and wants, which I desired a supply of; still begging of the Lord, in all this time of my trouble, that he would not give me over to a deceived heart (what ever he did with me) so as to think better of my condition than indeed it was, but that he would please thoroughly to discover my condition and heart to me; and thus with some small hopes, yet mixed with a great deal of fear, I did that time partake of the ordinance, the which I had no sooner almost done, but Satan gins to suggest to me that I had now eaten and drank my own damnation, in receiving that whereto I had no right, (through so many fears and doubtings in my own spirit) and that therefore now in stead of receiving strength I should be everyday more and more hardened, and have my damnation sealed up to me instead of my salvation.  
But pausing here a while, and considering that I had endeavoured to do my duty according to my knowledge and power, in examining my own heart, what my ends, aims, desires, and wants were, and according to my ability desired the Lord to make it a strengthening and sealing ordinance to me, endeavouring to satisfy myself with these and such like thoughts, that my desire was to serve and walk with the Lord, though I could not do it; thus I continued between hope and fear, about a month space, intending not to partake of the ordinance the next time, fearing myself not to be fit for it, finding my heart (as I thought) in a very unfitting frame, but, manifesting this intent to some friends, they put me upon these thoughts, that the way to be fit for duties or ordinances is not to neglect them; as also reling me, that if I were unfit for that ordinance, I was as well unfit to live, and therefore that was no just plea: thus being troubled, yet fearing to omit it, I again partook of it, where the Lord was pleased, through the ministry of his word that day, to hint out to me that amongst others there were two sorts of men that might safely and comfortably partake of that ordinance, as  
1. All those that had longing desires after the Lord Jesus Christ.  
2. All doubting, fearing Christians, that come with doubts & fears to it; it being ordained of God to be a strengthening, sealing ordinance, etc. which though it afforded me some small refreshment for the present, yet did it not abide, but my trouble still continuing, yea increasing, being thereby unfit for any earthly employment, and yet weary of duties, reading, and writing, etc. In which I spent my chief time.  
Yet thus going on in a road of duties, and performances, sometimes finding some affection and assistance, and sometimes not, which when I did find in any measure, Oh! how was my wretched heart ready to be puffed up and rejoice in it, and began to think that now I had done somewhat, and that surely now the Lord would hear me: but beginning to consider more seriously what I had done indeed, and how many wandering thoughts and distractions had passed by me, and that any wicked wretch in the world might do, and did do as much as I, and yet the Lord never regarded them, I began to be exceedingly troubled, that such wicked thoughts should arise in my heart, imagining that it was just with the Lord, for these wicked thoughts, to blast all my desires, which I really conceived he did.  
Then considering, that the prayers and all the duties of the wicked are abomination, and things that his soul abhorred, and lying under the apprehension of myself as one cast off by God whom he never regards, having poured out my soul before him and begged a soft heart (and a renewed and changed nature,) urging him often with that similitude of a child coming to his father to beg bread, Mat. 7. 9, 10, 11. or rather in my apprehension finding my heart grow more hard and my affections more cold and lukewarm, I lay under another temptation from Satan, that sure I was but an hypocrite in all that I did, and therefore should but heap up wrath against myself, (as in Job 36. 13.) and this was set home upon my spirit upon several grounds, as  
1. Because as he told me I did not so much aim at the glory of God as at that happy estate which is to be enjoyed in heaven.  
2. Because I could not find my love working so strongly towards God as towards myself, desiring to be freed from the torments of hell which I conceived to be intolerable; as also  
3. Finding sometimes a kind of secret desire that some body might hear or know of my performances of duties, etc. Though I never durst act in any measure so, as that it might be discerned, but always strove to my utmost ability to conceal what ever possibly I might, yet finding sometimes some such desires of vain glory in my spirit, that though I did do it thus privately, yet if it could have been known and not by my means, I thought, I could be content, and this also lay as an heavy weight upon my spirit, to think that there should such wicked, vain, and sinful thoughts and desires, be suggested to me, or for anytime, though never so small, lodge within me, Jer. 4. 14. Which when I began to consider sadly of did but still renew and increase my troubles and fears, being a discovery of the hypocrisy that was in my heart.  
And for the most part of this my trouble I lay under such a sense of the wrath of God, that I thought that all I had, and enjoyed was cursed to me, often admiring that every bit of bread I eat did not choke me, or every creature did not put an end to my life, often fearing that the company I was in should far the worse for me, in so much that if I went by water or the like, I still conceived I might be an occasion of drowning all those that were with me.  
Oh! how desirous was my soul, at this time, of the help and counsel of my Godly wise friends, and Christians, but through many and sundry temptations still deprived myself of it, and of the benefit I might have gained by it, through my wicked silence in all companies, and loathness to impart my condition to any.  
Sometimes my wicked corrupt heart would basely suggest to me, that I was not able to discourse or speak of any spiritual thing, and therefore I should but only thereby discover my own ignorance, and no ways advantage myself, etc. Which when I was enabled still to consider better of, recollecting my thoughts, and calling them into question, as it were, then cometh the Devil, and tells me, that this did but note my hypocrisy; and farther, when I have been troubled with it, to think that I should give way to such wicked thoughts as these, then comes in Satan again, on the other side, and tells me, that if I should put myself forward in any discourse, I should but thereby cause others to have a better opinion of me than indeed I deserved, and so deceive others and delude my own soul, and this latter temptation was that which indeed did oftenest prevail with me, being ever most of all prone to fear the delusions of my own heart, and so esteeming my condition to be better than it is.  
This going on in this way of wicked, silence made many of my Christian friends (I do really believe) not know what to think of me, but were, as it were, estranged from me, which I soon perceiving, it was a most heavy affliction to me, & such as (the searcher of hearts knows) lay very sadly upon my spirit, which yet I could not, in any measure, make known to them, but between God and my own soul condoled this my miserable condition, then being to remove out of London, which was an exceeding trouble to me (to consider how we should by it be deprived of those means which we there might enjoy, although indeed neither my Father, Mother, or myself could enjoy our healths there.)  
And removing into the Country about the year 1647. I found the ministry under which I then was exceeding dead and spiritless, then when I came home (me thought) I knew as much and no more, (to my edification in that condition I was in) than I did when I went; the subject which was then, and for a long time together treated on, was that Scripture, Gen. 2. 7. The Lord breathed into man the breath of life, and man became a living soul. The main scope of the minister being to show, what the natural soul was that God had put into man, handling it (as I conceived) more like a Philosopher than a Gospel-preacher, which notional things were not those which could satisfy my soul, which wanted now some support from heaven, in this sad drooping condition I was in, but meeting with nothing suitable to my present estate, and being here cast in a place where I was deprived of all other means, I grew still into a more sad condition every day.  
Then did I lie under a very sad and strange temptation, to neglect the ordinance of preaching, which was grounded upon the pretence, that I might improve my time at home to my more spiritual advantage, which temptation I often yielded to, and when I had any opportunity, or seeming excuse by reason of any small bodily distemper, either the headache or the like, I still took those occasions to stay at home, and so yielded to the temptation, and thus I did often.  
But when I came still at night to a review of what I had done, and how I had spent my time in each of these days, as also what I had gained, I found it to be so little, through one temptation or other, that I now began to conceive and fear that it was only a temptation of the Devil to bring me out of love with the ordinances of God, whereupon the Lord also enabled me to begin to take a view of my own heart endeavouring to persuade myself that the fault was only in me, and that surely I was some way or other prejudiced against the man or his preaching, not looking, (as I ought) to the power of God which was able to bless that means to me that he had now cast me under (contrary to my desires) and that it was therefore just with God to let it be to me according to my unbeleef.  
Whereupon I began again to examine my own heart, whether or no I had any kind of prejudice against the man, which I could never find nor charge myself withal (having always heard very good words of him from Godly people) only I could not find that the Lord was pleased to speak any word suitable to my condition by him, but rather to fill me with notions of natural things, and in a natural way, whereupon I turned my examination into prayer, beseeching the Lord that if there were any prejudice in my heart that lay hidden that I could not discern, that he would be pleased to root it out, and not let it hinder me from the blessing of his own ordinance, begging of him also that he would please to put some word into his mouth suitable to the estate of my soul, and give me an ear to hear and understand it, and so with some hope yet still mixed with fear, I continued to hear him still, and thus I did often times, still pressing it upon myself that it was my darkness, dulness and ignorance that was the hindrance, but finding, after all this, nothing suitable to my soul to answer the longing desires or satisfy the many doubtings of it, I at the last told my father how unprofitable his ministry was unto me, who also concluding & often saying the same, resolved to seek out where the Lord should direct us and be pleased to make it more profitable to us.  
So we attended on the ministry elsewhere about the beginning of the year 1649. Where I received some satisfaction, but still (upon examination) finding little profiting in my spirit (though I could not but acknowledge that the Lord was pleased sometimes to speak home to my condition) being not able to close in a way of faith with what was delivered, I remained in a very sad condition, yet continued waiting upon the Lord in that ministry above a year, and then returned into the Country, being much solicited thereunto, where I found the former Minister upon a more practical subject, I continuing still in trouble of spirit, as concluding now the fault to be in myself; because when I enjoyed such means as I could no ways except against, yet I found very little profit or benefit by it, when I came seriously to examine myself; all which added much to my inward trouble, but in all this space of time (for four or five years' last passed) was I exceedingly tossed to and fro, and continually pestered with divers and sundry temptations, both from the Devil and my own wicked heart; to instance in some;  
I was often tempted to very hideous and blasphemous thoughts, as to think that there was no God, and which temptations were always suited to that matter which, at the present, my thoughts were working upon, wherein indeed it appeared to be a mere plot of Satan that subtle enemy of my poor soul, as for instance:  
Sometimes when in the bitterness of my trouble and fears I had made any appeal to God concerning the desires of my soul, or had put up any short ejaculation to him, or had been meditating of any of his attributes, or the like, then comes in such a temptation as this, Why who dost thou pray unto? dost thou think there is any such thing as a God that thou appealest to? didst thou ever find any answer from him? with much more in this sort, and when any Scripture hath been brought to my thoughts, that might afford me any comfort, or that I had been examining my heart from any Scripture, or the like, than (an hundred to one) but I should have one temptation or other darted into my soul, to question the truth of it (after this manner) how can it be the word of God more than any other writings? and how shall I know them to be so? and which of them are so, and which not; it being so many hundred years a go written, and having gone through so many hands, and all writers in ancient times disagreeing about it? etc.  
And when my thoughts have been set or fixed to meditate of that everlasting condition after this sinful life is ended, or endeavouring to attain some assurance of an happy estate in the life to come, then comes in a temptation, that it is impossible that ever there shall be any resurrection of the dead, with many carnal arguments to back it.  
But these temptations being so hideous & detestable even by the light of nature (some of them) I durst not parley long with them, but endeavoured still to detest and abhor them, and to raise the best arguments against them which I could, and in my daily course of reading the word, to gather out all those Scriptures that I could observe to make against any of those temptations, and so to answer them, but sometimes the more I reasoned against them, and endeavoured to argue it out in my own thoughts, the more they would prevail, which when (after some time) I was enabled to perceive, I durst no longer parley with them, but my only refuge was to throw myself before the Lord, and there to tell him what a sad condition I was in, and how Satan did continually thus torment me and throw such things continually into my soul, which he knew, (who knows all hearts) was the burden of my soul, and that which I would gladly be rid off, desiring him that I might be acquainted why it was thus with me, that he did lose Satan upon me, as also that he would please to give me more power to resist these his fiery darts; divers other temptations was I also troubled withal, as  
I was then tempted to believe that it must needs be impossible for any one in this life, to be assured of their salvation.  
But when I began to consider, how many of God's people, who I could not but believe by their walkings, did enjoy much of this assurance and communion with God, then did this temptation in some measure, vanish; and another arise in the room of it, that sure, it was impossible that ever I should attain to any such assurance, and that therefore I was none of his children;  
Which when I had sought the Lord about, and also endeavoured to attain unto by searching the Scriptures, and comparing my heart with them, etc. Then would this temptation also arise upon the neck of the other;  
That I ought not to seek or labour too much to attain assurance, for surely the Lord did not see it good for me, for should the Lord give it me I should undoubtedly be so lifted up, and so filled with pride of spirit that I should not be able to contain myself, but should much dishonour the Lord by it.  
These, with many such like temptations, was I tossed up & down withal, until my spirit was even overwhelmed within me, having no other refuge but only to tell the Lord, and bemoan my condition to him who, as yet, seemed only to turn the deaf ear to me and to cover all my prayers with a cloud.  
Yet, in all this time of my trouble and temptation, was the Lord pleased in a secret manner to support my spirit, and keep it from utter despair, and giving up so as to be wholly of Satan's mind, for though my fears and troubles were great and indeed unutterable, yet did the Lord so secretly support me, that I do not know that ever he suffered me peremptorily to conclude, that I should certainly perish, as Satan continually suggested to me, though I still feared it, which fears were so great that they came well nigh unto despair, which notwithstanding the Lord enabled me (though in a poor, weak and low measure) yet to follow him still, often telling him, that if I did perish; my desire was to perish coming towards him, following of him, and begging mercy from him.  
Then, (in the year 1650. June the 28) was the Lord pleased to lay a very sad and heavy affliction upon me, in taking from me my dear and precious Father, who was the chief comfort of my natural life, and this the Lord was pleased to do it in so sad and so sudden a manner, which made it take the deeper impression upon my spirit, and indeed add much to my inward as well as my outward trouble, being also accompanied with many sad temptations and suggestions; to instance in one to two;  
It was strongly suggested to me, that the Lord had done this merely in just judgement to manifest his displeasure against me, and show me that he was so fare from hearing my prayers (wherein I did often much beg his life of the Lord) that now he would not only take him from me, but even in this sad severe manner, not once permitting him to speak to me, or me with him, which was also further aggravated with these thoughts, that it was the more just with the Lord, thus to deal with me because I had not given him due praise for such a mercy as I had in so long enjoying him, nor yet had made that use of his fatherly counsel and advice, in this time of my doubts and fears, as I might have done.  
Thus being tossed to and fro, and as it were in a wilderness in my own thoughts, to think what the Lord meant by this sad dispensation or would have me take notice of, at the last desiring to satisfy myself that it was an affliction of which all are partakers, and that to be without afflictions is not a condition of Sonship, and also considering, that it was no other for the matter than what I had for many years both expected and feared, and indeed a wonder (all things being rightly weighed) that I should enjoy him so long as through mercy I did.  
Thus after some time of stubborn rebellion against God, in not submitting quietly to his will, the Lord was pleased to enable me at the last to begin to bethink myself, what that evil might be in me which the Lord had now struck at, and would me have sensible of by this his dealing with me.  
And, upon examination, finding nothing wherein I could more charge myself than in immoderate affection to him, and so putting him in stead of God, I did at last (though with much repulse in my wicked spirit) acknowledge it before the Lord, and beg of him that he would show me, more and more, what his mind and meaning was in this so heavy a stroke, and that as he had now by his own immediate hand, brought me within the letter of the promise (being now fatherless) that he would also make it good to me in revealing himself to be a father to me in Jesus Christ.  
And thus I continued, sometime tossed to and fro with divers and sundry temptations, having none to speak a word of comfort to me in this my distress (I making none acquainted with this my condition but in this thing wholly yielded to Satan to keep all to myself,) having no ease nor vent for my spirit but only when I was in any measure enabled to pour out my soul before the Lord, in which my spirit was also oftentimes much bound up, though sometimes again enlarged.  
Then, about 2 or 3 months after, being towards the end of September 1650. was the Lord pleased to cast my Mother, as also myself, both at one time, upon our bed of sickness, visiting us with very strong fevers, which being towards Winter brought us very low, which meeting with the inward trouble of my spirit lay very sadly upon me.  
At which time, in the midst of all my weakness, I was brought to this resolution in my own thoughts, being tossed up and down in my spirit as well as in my body, so that now I did no longer desire any continuance of this natural life of mine, nor yet promise the Lord any amendment of life, as I had formerly done in all my other sicknesses, though I could never make good any of these promises, vows, or covenants, by me so made; hereupon, I considered (though with much trouble of spirit) that I had found by sad and often experience, that if I should live never so long, I should live never the better, nor gain any more assurance of my salvation and well-being, therefore the desire of life was now wholly taken from me, the Lord enabling me at the last to take up such thoughts as these, that from the bottom of my heart I did and had for a long time desired to fear and serve the Lord, and that those many failings which accompanied all my obedience were the burden of my life, and that if the Lord would have been pleased to have given me more freedom of spirit, and set my soul more at liberty to have walked after his will, it would have been as a heaven upon earth to me; but contrarily, I saw, I was still pressed under with a body of death, by reason of which I did nothing but offend night and day, and that the longer I lived I did but aggravate my sin and condemnation, I did therefore desire power to cast myself and the whole weight of my salvation upon Jesus Christ, and although I could not confidently believe, that the Lord would be good to me, yet I saw that there was no salvation any where else, and therefore did desire to rely wholly upon him, acknowledging that I deserved nothing but hell, and that, if ever he bestowed any thing else upon me, it was infinite unspeakable mercy.  
Thus I continued for many days often longing for the time of my dissolution (wherein I should sin and dishonour God no more) which both myself and others about me thought not to be fare off yet was the Lord pleased, after some few weaks, in some measure to raise up my weak body which was nigh unto the dust, and after some time to go on by degrees perfecting of my health, all which time being accompanied with many a sad thought, my trouble still increasing as fast as my bodily health, at the last the Lord was pleased to turn my thoughts upon those expressions of David in Psal. 42. 5, 11. Wherein he calls his soul to account, saying, Why art thou cast down O my soul, and why art thou disquieted within me? hope thou in God. The Lord setting this home with much power upon my spirit at this time, (having been all the winter deprived of the enjoying of any public means) the Lord (I say) setting this Scripture so home upon my spirit, I began at last to reason thus with myself, and to demand of my soul the reason of this my trouble; the Lord being pleased also to put me upon the view of some Sermons of Mr. Marshals and others which I had formerly heard, some expressions in them being brought to my mind, wherein I found several answers to many things, which I alleged as the ground of my trouble, I was also by the Lord I hope put upon a review of that little book called the Marrow of modern Divinity (which I had formerly read with much trembling) with a secret persuasion in my heart that those were real truths, though formerly I neither could nor durst fully close with them, which two means did through the blessing of God at the present somewhat settle and quiet my turmoiled spirit.  
Then in the beginning of the year 1651. going into the Country and staying about a month within 4 or 5 miles where Mr. Stevens exerciseth, having heard of him, I had a great desire to hear him, which also I did 3 or 4 times, with much content; he being one of those times upon Gal. 3. 8. The Scripture foreseeing that God would justify the heathen through faith, etc. Where he shown us fully that God did not justify the righteous but even heathens, ungodly men, which word added somewhat to my comfort, only I could not say I had faith, and this stumbled me again.  
Then coming to Colechester and resting only one Lords day there I heard Mr. Archer, who, by the providence of God, was then upon that Scripture in Joh. 16. 8. Where the Lord promiseth to send the spirit & that it should convince the world of sin, and of righteousness, where he fully shown, that it was the office of the spirit to convince humble sinners of an all-sufficient righteousness in Jesus Christ, thereupon still labouring to take men off from all dependence upon their own righteousness or any thing in them or done by them, which I now found I had been very guilty of, telling us also that all those duties, graces or qualifications, that we so rested upon, were not the righteousness of Christ, etc. therefore too scant and narrow to cover any soul, at which time I must needs say (I do really believe) that the Lord was pleased to strike the first and great blow to dependence on my own actings; although I had yet much confusion and trouble in my spirit concerning this thing, being yet very dark in the understanding of it.  
But in this short time of my being in the Country, the Lord having (in some measure) thus begun, as it were, to speak a word of comfort to my poor soul, I was strangely in my own thoughts, (I hope by the spirit of the Lord) put upon the desires of communion with the people of God according to the Gospel, and so upon the search of the Scripture according to my poor measure, to that end, accompanied with the experience I formerly had of that way called the Presbytery, which I was now very much unsatisfied in, which dissatisfaction was at the present only grounded upon the practice of them who walk in that way (finding them generally so full of wrath, bitterness, clamours and evil speaking even of Brethren, which I conceived not to be a Gospel-frame of spirit,) compared with those who practise the contrary which was much set upon my spirit to be more sweet, humble and Christian like, as also a way for more growth and establishment, being more full of love, (which the Gospel is so full of) and watching over one another, etc. Which I now saw I stood in great need of and therefore much desired, finding my spirit then much drawn out to seek the Lords direction in it, beseeching him more and more to clear up to me in what way of worship I might most honour him and meet with and enjoy most of him, as also when and where I might so join, begging of him also with much and earnest desire to fit me for it.  
Then coming home again my trouble renewed, to think how my lot was cast in such a place where I had little society that I could reap any benefit from, and under his ministry which I continually found very unprofitable to me, at last, making this known to a friend how dissatisfied I was to hear him, she advised me to go hear Mr. Knight, which accordingly I did, about Midsummer 1651. who (through the assistance of God) did fully lay open the free and abundant grace of God to poor creatures, who see their lost and undone condition out of Christ: through whose ministry the Lord was pleased to go on to convince me yet farther and more fully of my great unbeleef and deafness to Jesus Christ, which had wrought so many sad troubles upon my spirit, being convinced of which I would gladly have closed with Jesus Christ, and relied upon him, having nothing to say against it but only my own wretchedness, which being so often and fully by him answered I had at last nothing to say, but only that I was so overpowered with unbelief, that though I would have closed with Jesus Christ, gladly and with all my soul, yet I neither durst nor could do it (as I then thought.)  
Then having heard of the meeting at Mr. Knight's house, we went thither towards the end of Aug. 1651. being about a week before the fight at Worcester, at which time they applied themselves much to speak to the present condition of the Nation and the godly in it, but after some time frequenting this meeting and finding much refreshment and satisfaction from it, (about a month or two at the most after) the Lord was pleased to draw out my spirit exceedingly to spread my condition before the Lord, and also crave the prayers of his people in that meeting in the behalf of my troubled soul, and accordingly, (though with much repulse in myself) I wrote a paper, wherein I did acknowledge before the Lord that having been convinced of my wretched condition I did thereupon labour and strive to walk more close with the Lord, etc. Which being no ways able to accomplish, I durst not believe or go to God as a father, but being in some measure convinced that I was all this while out of the way, (not being yet thoroughly convinced of the righteousness of Christ, but going about too much to establish my own righteousness,) I did then desire their prayers, that the Lord would be pleased to reveal more of his mind and will in Jesus Christ to my soul, and enable me to deny myself and rely wholly upon him, and having a fit opportunity of privacy, coming there before any other company, I laid it down upon the table, and it pleased the Lord so to order it, Mr. Knight being absent, Mr. Barker came in that day, who was altogether unknown to me, who taking a view of this paper among others did mention it before the Lord, both in the entrance as also in the close of that day's service, the Lord putting into his heart and mouth a very seasonable word to my poor soul, which was then spoken from 2 Pet. 2. 3, 4, 5. If so be that you have tasted that the Lord is gracious to whom coming as living stone, dissallowed indeed of men but chosen of God and precious, etc. From which Scripture and what the Lord was pleased by him at that time to communicate from it, did my soul receive very much refreshment and satisfaction.  
Then did the Lord also direct the spirits of those that carried on that meeting to treat much about temptations, from which there was many seasonable useful truths set home upon my heart, finding by this discourse that Scripture in 1 Cor. 10. 13. plainly made good to my poor soul that no temptation had taken me but such as I now saw was common to others, that I durst not think but to be the people of God, now hearing them complain of the same things which together with the refreshments and supporting considerations under each of these, which were held out to us, was my poor drooping spirit mightily supported.  
After this it pleased the Lord also to direct them in this meeting to treat about that great grace of faith, and so afterwards to answer many doubts and fears that lay upon many souls, from all which (being too large here to relate) my soul received very much refreshing, being in the close of that service put again upon it, by the spirit of the Lord through these his servants, to put the question to my soul at every turn, doubt, whence comest thou, or wherefore dost thou doubt, and, truly, the Lord having spoken so much to my soul by all these means and instruments formerly mentioned, that the strength of my doubts and fears began so to scatter, that I could give very little account of the cause or ground of them, being also now convinced in some measure that I did by these doubts, fears, jealousies, and hard thoughts of God, much provoke and dishonour him, so that though formerly I thought it as it were a virtue in me to be doubting and questioning my estate, I came now, in some measure, through grace, to see that it was a heinous sin, and therefore to endeavour, strive and pray, and do all I could against them.  
Yet did often I lie under many sad apprehensions arising hence, being convinced by the word in reading in one of Mr. Burrows books, that there is no worship acceptable to God but that which is tendered up to him as a father and the father of our Lord Jesus Christ, now I not finding myself able at that time to look upon God, or look up to him under this relation of a father, only looking upon him as a gracious, merciful, and yet withal a just severe God, this was a great trouble to my spirit, than did the Lord, by the ministry of his word dispensed by Mr. Knight at the Chapel at Hammersmith, put me upon the serious thoughts of that Scripture in Jer. 3. 1, 4, 12, 13, 14, 15, 19 vers. Which at that times took much upon my heart in this particular, having no power to gainsay the duty required in it, the Lord being pleased, by the ministry of his word dispensed by Mr. Knight, and sometimes some others, to come in, further carrying on this work that he had thus begun in my soul, enabling me daily more and more to grow up towards a more full assurance and confident rolling upon and giving up my whole soul to Jesus Christ; giving me bodily to see more and more my own emptiness, & nothingness, & the conrinual need I stood in of him, without whom I now saw that I was nothing, had nothing, and could have nothing but only sin, as also that fullness that is in him, together with a readiness to give forth and communicate out of it to poor creatures, who see the need they have of it, and come to him for it, which I now desired above all things strength to do, and that I might go wholly out of myself, and come to him for life; then hearing that Mr. Knight, and some few christians more were about gathering into a communion together, I was much rejoiced in spirit at it supposing that, happily, the Lord might please to make it a mercy to me, if I could but see him clearing up my way, and opening a door for me to join with them, which work seeming for a time to go on in their desires and intentions, yet there was much fear arose in my spirit concerning it, how I should be enabled to make out my condition so as that I might be approved of, being full of ebbings and flow, sometimes hoping a little, and sometimes again full of fears.  
Thus being at a great stand in myself not knowing what to do, but often seeking the Lord concerning it, who was pleased at last to enable me to take up this resolution, that (through his grace assisting of me) I would put it upon the trial, relying upon him to enable me to make out what himself had wrought in my soul, though in much weakness, yet I hoped in truth, and this I was the more willing unto, that Scripture or rule of the Apostle being then much set upon the heart in the 1 Pet. 3. 15. Be ready always to give an answer to every man that asketh you a reason of the hope that is in you with meekness and fear; and though I was very sensible of my own disability hereunto, yet rather than to deprive myself of such a benefit I was enabled in some measure to submit, yet not without many fears and that strong ones too, that I should not be accepted of; the Lord now enabling me to take up these thoughts, that I would, through his assistance, do my duty and offer myself, and if the Lord should so order the spirits of his people to deny me, I did desire to see his mind, and to expect strength from him to submit to his will, manitested through it, acknowledging it no more nor so much as I had deserved, considering with all that my desire was chief, and in the first place, to approve myself to the Lord, and (if he saw it good) to his people also, but if otherwise my desire was, (though I knew not how I should be enabled to do it) yet, however, to wait upon the Lord, and follow him still until he should see good to make out a way for me; then was there a day kept to seek the Lord on the behalf of Mrs. Arnal, which, by providence, I heard of, and had a desire to be at, which accordingly I did, at which time my spirit was much stirred up to crave the prayers of the people of God, that the Lord would be pleased to pardon all the unbelieving workings of my corrupt heart, and those hard thoughts I had had of God, and that he would please to give in such clear visions of himself, as might mightily increase my faith, which desires of mine were spread before the Lord that day.  
But having received, at this time some little refresh from those instructions the Lord was pleased then to communicate by Mr. Knight, from Heb. 12. 5-13. From which Scripture I was also convinced that in most of the chastisements the Lord had seen meet to lay me under, I had either despised his chastisements, or else fainted under them, the Lord (I say) having this day broke in thus upon my heart by his spirit, through his word, the Devil soon gins again with me, taking this opportunity, I having set myself and endeavoured to lay my heart to the word, and see what comfortable grounds I could take up, that the Lord had indeed afflicted me in mercy, etc. The Devil now gins to endeavour to puff up my spirit with a conceit, that I was able to speak more in this kind than many others, who were at that time also by him presented; but through mercy, this did not pass many days before the Lord sadly shown me my folly and weakness herein, for a little while after there was an other day kept, to which meeting I went, and, truly, after I came there, the Lord set home these wicked thoughts together with several other things which wrought so upon my spirit, that my heart was even overwhelmed within me, in so much that I could not keep it to myself, but was constrained to discover it by my carriage, which Mr. Knight taking notice of spoke to me after the exercise; at which time I was so fare from that ability, that Satan possessed me with thoughts of, that I was not able in any measure to speak my heart to him, but was, as it were, one whom the Lord had given up to a dumb spirit, and thought those three words, which was all that I could then speak were, (through a mere mistake) sadly misconstrued by him, yet had I not power to speak one word to clear my meaning, supposing it might possibly be that the Lord had something to speak to me, even through that mistake; there was also this day a word set home very much on my heart, from something Mr. Milborn noted to us which also added much to my sadness; and it was this, that I had prayed, and prayed again and again, but when I had done I never looked after the returns of them, having never yet any experience made out to me, that I durst acknowledge this or that to be a return of my prayer, nay though the Lord had given in a mercy that I had begged of him, I was still, for many years, tempted to believe that it had been so, though I had not prayed, and so it was not given in as an answer to prayer, which did much eat out the sweetness of those mercies which I did enjoy; in so much, that (me thinks) I do now even stand and admire, what it was that did at that time support my spirit, & carry me on in a continued seeking of God, being not able, then to record an answer of prayer at all that I can bring to mind.  
However the Lord had been pleased before this time to give me many gracious answers to my poor desires, yet were mine eyes withheld from seeing them to be so, and taking the comfort thereof, until a long after, yea sometimes some years after some of them were given in, which yet afterwards the Lord was pleased to make out unto me, even before the writing hereof.  
But after all this the Lord, by the acts of his providence, seemed much to cross these hopes and desires of his people, in joining in fellowship together, which when I heard of, it was a great trouble to me, who greatly desired the accomplishment of it, sometimes thinking that it might be even for my sake alone that the Lord had done it.  
Other times being tempted to think, that if it had been the Lords acting to work up my spirit to that pitch that I thought I found it wrought up unto, than he would also have gone on to have perfected my desires, but being again enabled on the other side to reason thus with myself, that it is my duty to wait patiently upon the Lord and submit to him, as well for the time as for the matter, I endeavoured (the Lord assisting me) to quiet my spirit with such thoughts as these, that the Lord might delay it in much mercy, that so I might be the more fit for it, when he shall please to accomplish it, apprehending that surely he saw me not yet fit for such a mercy, than did I again turn to the Lord, and thus desire to submit to him, begging of him to fit me for such a mercy, and if he saw it good to afford me the mercy here, if not, that he would direct me where to join that might be more for his glory and my souls good.  
Thus was the Lord pleased to go on well nigh a quarter of a year, still coming in with more light and discoveries of his love to my soul, and clearing up to me more and more that work which he had begun through his rich and free grace in my Lord Jesus, in whom I did now desire only and alone to be found, and not in any of my own righteousnesses, who had now enabled me to see, to be very loathsome, and abominable, though formerly I had too much doted upon them.  
Then in the third month in the year 1652. Mr. Knight being gone into the North, the Lord was pleased by a mere providence (as I desire to look upon it, not knowing, as yet, but that I may also say as a return of many of my former poor desires) to send Mr. Rogers to the meeting at Mr. Knight's house, having preached one Lords day before at the Chapel at Hammersmith, which occasioned very strong and earnest desires in me to hear him again, which now I did the Lord directing him this time to speak unto us concerning Church discipline, which I was yet very dark in, which the Lord enabled him to give me very much and great satisfaction, which otherwise I have cause to fear I might more inconsiderately have rushed upon.  
Thus was the Lord pleased (I hope in answer to my poor desires) yet farther to clear up this way of his to me, proving it clearly to be the way of the Gospel and that which every one ought to be fully satisfied in before they enter upon.  
This being now more cleared unto me, my desires and long after the enjoyment of God in this Zion, grew more strong and earnest, I continually mentioning it before the Lord.  
After this really I cannot tell but that I should rob the Lord of his glory in this particular, if I should not also acknowledge him further by my poor experience to be a God hearing prayer, for I found him now also (as I hope I may to his glory speak) coming in very much as it were fitting me for this mercy, by giving in (out of his own free grace to his poor unworthy creature) yet, a more full and clear sight of his work upon my soul; and so of my interest in him, by means whereof I might now the more comfortably offer up myself into the communion of his people, without a sight of which, I should hardly, I think, have presumed to have done, which work of his the Lord was pleased to help on by several of his Servants in Mr. Knight's absence, as Mr. Sidrach Simpson and Mr. Rogers, whom he was pleased to make instrumental for my souls advantage and comfort at this time, which the Lord thus carried on until it was towards the end of the seventh month commonly called September in this year 1652. at which time Mr. Knight being returned home and removing to Fulham, where the Lord opened a door for his people to join in communion together according to the Gospel, the Lord now offering me this opportunity which I had so much longed for, and his servant Mr. Knight to whom I had formerly by an other friend intimated my desires, he I say acquainted me with it I durst not rashly deny to join with them, but what fears and tremble there were upon my spirit at this time is known only to the Lord, for indeed I am not able to express it, in which trouble my refuge as formerly was only to go to the Lord, beseeching and earnestly importuning him now to appear and give in direction to his poor creature, who was now in such a strait as that she knew not what to do.  
But (so fare as I know my own heart) leaning alone upon the Lord and waiting for his direction, I went to the place appointed to meet in, not knowing what I should do in it, taking little or no rest all the night before, but coming there next morning and being still much oppressed in spirit; in the turning of an eye as it were, I can not express how or which way my spirit was on a sudden wrought over to give my consent, and so to join with them.  
They being (as they conceived) well satisfied in the long knowledge they had had of each other, and their frequent converses together, some whereof were in order to this very work, which having been much desired by those few persons that then joined and they so long interrupted, and having put up many petitions to the throne of grace concerning it; Mr. Barker being then present and carrying the intended work by prayer and counsel, we joined together in the fellowship of the Gospel. But this work was not performed in so solemn a manner as I (for my part) could have desired, both in setting more time a part to seek the Lord together in it, and to have endeavoured to have given more full satisfaction to each other, of the work of God in each others hearts, which lay as a burden upon my spirit which I often bewailed before the Lord, and also moved it to some of our friends that we might yet meet and set a part a day to this end, which was not thought meet at that time; upon which I besought the Lord it might be no hindrance to his appearance amongst us, for my spirit was oppressed with fears of Gods not appearing in the midst of us, which fears were at the present heightened from the mighty rage of Satan, in the spirits of many, yea of some good men at this our first entrance into communion, laying many harsh censures upon us, which still put me upon a more narrow search into my own heart.  
Thus seeing the rage of some against us to be very great, and trembling in myself to think lest we by our miscarriage might give them some ground to speak evil of us, it wrought a great sadness upon my spirit, fearing lest we might be an occasion of darkening his glory to the World, which caused me often to pour out my soul to the Lord beseeching him that if he had any delight in us, he would be pleased to afford us his presence.  
But in the very depth of these fears did the Lord, by a mere providence, as I was opening Mr. Burroughs' book, cast my eye unexpectedly upon the 13 p. of the right manner of drawing nigh to God in worship, where I found this note, that the beginnings of things of high concernment do meet sometimes with great difficulties and interruptions; which he gives some instances of, and so adviseth us not to be offended though we should have some sad accidents to fall out, at the beginning of great things; for (saith he) notwithstanding this God may yet prosper it afterwards; the serious consideration whereof did at the present a little refresh my spirit, and support it with a desire to wait to see what the Lord would please to bring out of it.  
Thus having, for about 3 month's space, enjoyed the ordinances and the society of his servants, and thereupon beginning to examine my own heart, what fruit or benefit I had found by them, it lay somewhat sadly upon my spirit, for being able to discern very little, then was the Lord pleased by a letter from Mr. Rogers to hand out something which for the present did a little support and cheer my spirit, therein putting me upon the consideration of this truth, that a Christian growth is not at all times sensible, neither doth the Lord see it meet they should always grow in one kind, but that they grow in all parts as well in humility and self abasement, and in the sight of our own weakness, barrenness, and unprofitableness, etc. which is as true a growth as that of faith though not always so visible.  
Yet some trouble still lying upon my spirit, wanting a full and clear sight of my interest in Christ, which as yet I had only some good hopes of, but no such settled assurance, but that I was often tottering backward and forward, the Lord having formally and continually, through the ministry of his word dispensed often by Mr. Knight and very powerfully to that end, and sometimes also by Mr. Simpson, by both which the Lord was pleased strongly to convince me of the dishonour that I had brought him by my unbeleef, which was now the great burden of my soul, but finding much weakness of faith in me, and an inability to roll so fully upon God and give glory to him by believing and taking him upon his word, etc. often fearing that sin and Satan would yet prevail over me.  
But the Lord was pleased, about the 10 month 1652. to draw out my heart exceedingly to beg of him a large measure of faith, even that I might be enabled to honour him, as much by believing as ever I had dishonoured him through unbeleef, but this same month I had this wicked thought or temptation thrown with mighty force into my spirit (to beat me off from that pitch of faith which I then found my spirit breathing after) viz. that where the Lord gives such great strength of faith, or any other grace, he gives also as great trials, and that therefore if I had the one I must expect the other also, and so should not only be a means to pull down sorrows, afflictions and trials upon my own head, but also in lying under them, and so sadly dishonour God, as now I do, which at the present did somewhat take of the edge of my affections, and weaken my former desires, until the Lord was pleased to discover to me, that it was a mere temptation (whether from Satan or my own heart, my deceitful, but subtle enemies) to scare me with such fears; which temptation the Lord was pleased to enable me to overcome, (with grief that I should in the least parley with it) and again to renew my former desires, and withal to beg his continual presence with me in all whatever trials and conditions he should bring me under, that he would keep me from dishonouring him under them, and manifest himself to me through them, and then to do with me as seemeth him good.  
A few days after, as I was one Evening writing a letter unto a dear kinswoman of mine, who at that time lay under some sad dispensation from the Lord, whereupon I took occasion to urge that promise upon her in Rom. 8. 28. And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, etc. which, whiles I was endeavouring to press upon her the Lord was pleased to cause it to fall with mighty power upon my heart, which was set home upon my spirit not only as that which I should rest upon and expect the performance of, but as that which I had had much experience, through all the deal of God with me, to have been continually made good, so that the experience which the Lord had given me of his deal with my soul for many years (in all the afflictions and exercises I had lain under, whether in body, or mind, in loss of relations, or comforts, etc. yea the very withholding ●he light of God's face, which is life itself ● did testify to the truth of this word, having been all of them by the Lord brought and wrought about for my good, the Lord enabling me to cleave the closer to himself and take the faster hold of him, from the consideration of all which, there fell this farther hint, with some weight upon my spirit, that it should also be even so with me, in respect of those corruptions that I was still pestered with and groaned under.  
But there being yet (especially at some times) many confused fears upon my spirit which I could give very little reason for, upon the second day of the eleventh month 1652. being the first day of the week, the Lord was pleased yet further to appear with a very seasonable word to my soul, which did much refresh it; it was thus, Mr. Knight being in the afternoon (in his ministry at Fulham) upon that Scripture in Heb. 2. 1, 2, 3. stirring us up to hearken diligently to Jesus Christ, and not to let any of his words at any timeslip out of our hearts, whence also he took occasion to comfort the people of God upon this account, that Christ should think their ears worthy of hearing his voice, & that he should not always send his messengers, nor make use of instruments, but should often rather as it were choose to speak himsel; at which words the Lord was pleased to touch my heart, and to make it sweetly to melt before him, with joy to think that Christ should thus speak to my soul, as I now saw he had done by him 2 years before, who when he had visited me with that sore loss of my dear parent, and cast me and my Mother both upon our sick beds, neither of us being able to speak to each other, yea when no friend or creature, either could, or did endeavour to speak a word of comfort to my poor soul, which was in a most sad condition for want of a clear sight of God under all these dispensations of his towards me, who having, as it were, by his own hand (as I now really believe he did) shut up and stopped all other mouths, yet that now the Lord Jesus should choose to speak himself, as I found he had done in some measure, supporting my spirit, which was ready to sink and give up under the heavy burden it lay, both of the sense of guilt and wrath, all which being put together, Oh! how did the sight of his love both melt and cheer my heart?  
Then did the Lord also, the next day, being the second day of the same week, bring to my mimd and thoughts those words that are recorded of Job, in Job 9 11. which after I had paused a little upon, contrary to my intention or thoughts, I went on still reading though but in a brief quick way (being straightened of time for it was late in the Evening) but I took a view of the whole book of Job, until I came to the end of it, and the thing in general that was hinted to me, and fell upon my spirit from the whole was this, that none of all Jobs friends who endeavoured to speak to him could neither hint out a word of comfort, or of conviction, to him in this sad estate, none of all their words taking hold at all upon his spirit, until God himself came to speak, and then one word of God doth it, making him cry out Job 40. 45. Behold I am vile, what shall I answer thee, I will lay my hand upon my mouth, Once have I spoken but I will not answer, yea twice but I will proceed no further:] and again Job 42. 5, 6. I have heard of thee by the hearing of the ear, but now mine eye seethe thee, therefore I abhor myself, and repent in dust and ashes;] that was (as I conceive) when God spoke, which caused me strongly to reflect upon mine own heart, thereby calling to mind how many instructions, convictions, and comforts have been from time to time for many years passed by several friends and servants of God held out to me, which never took any hold at all upon my spirit, but when God himself will take in hand to speak, he can bring things past and gone quite back again (as he did the Sun upon't he Dial of Ahaz, 2 King. 22. 11.) and bring them fresh into memory and cause the soul to see his hand and work in all, and so to abhor itself for those abominable unbelieving thoughts, and jealousies of God that have been upon its heart, when as the Lord hath (as it were) took all opportunities to beget in the soul good and honourable thoughts of him.  
Then hearing this same night, that Mr. Simpson was next morning being the third day of this week to begin his lecture in Friday street, to which I had a great desire to go, which accordingly I did, though with some outward inconveniences and bodily danger, desiring of the Lord, that as he had begun in some good measure to shine in upon my heart this week, so that he would please to make this blessed opportunity letting my soul have a sight of himself through that word that should be held out to me.  
Thus waiting and depending upon the Lord for his appearance through this instrument of his, I went to London, at which time Mr. Simpson contrary to the expectation of most of his hearers (and as I was told) to his own intentions the week before, had his eye and meditation turned and fixed upon that grand promise in Gen. 3. 15. which I do not know but that I may look upon as a special providence, in which the Lord might aim, even at the establishment of my poor and unsettled spirit, which but the week before was exceedingly cast down, the Lord having (as I conceived) much disappointed my expectation even of his own appearance.  
In the entrance upon which Scripture and opening of it he shown us, that these words in Gen. 3. were spoken and denounced as a severe threatening to the Devil, and not at all spoken either to the man, or to the woman, yet did they contain in them a most blessed promise, yea all the promises which the Lord left both for Adam and Eve to lay hold upon, from the consideration of which he took occasion to provoke us to lay hold upon all the hints of God and to let none of them slip in any dispensation of his to us, yea, to take notice of every word of promise or comfort that God holds out though in the midst of severe threatening, as this here was, in the further prosecution of which he put us upon such thoughts as these, that that soul which is indeed made to hunger and thirst after Jesus Christ would be ready to snatch & catch at the least crumb of mercy, yea were the soul indeed found of Christ it would be ready to believe upon very small grounds: there was also at this time, that Scripture cited by him which we find recorded in Esai, 50. at the beginning, where the Lord (as he shown us) seemeth to be very angry with that people who though they had played the harlot, and therefore deserved justly to be put away, yet was the Lord wrath with them, because they said he had put them away when as yet he had not, and therefore demanded of them where their bill of divorce was; which together with several other precious truths then hinted to us, took very much on my heart and greatly refreshed it, even upon after reviews also, but to all this the Lord was pleased to add one blessed opportunity more that week, wherein he speak abundantly and, I hope, effectually to my heart by that servant of his Mr. Knight at that lecture at the Chapel at Fulham, the very next morning (being the fourth day of the week,) sending his servant as it were on purpose to speak to me in particular, and to open, unfold, and expound all those gracious visits of Christ to my poor soul, when it sat even in the valley and shadow of death, shut up as it were in darkness and in an estate of nature, showing me how the Lord, even then, came in with light and life to me, as also when I was under dark afflictions, and sad apprehensions of the wrath of God, from whence I conceived them to proceed, in which estate also was the Lord pleased sweetly to visit my soul, as also when I lay under darkness of unbeleese being full of doubts, and fears, and jealousies of God, etc. at this season and from this Scripture Luk. 1. 78, 79, was the Lord pleased to unfold my soul that which I never had such a sight of, how he had indeed visited my soul in all these estates, as also what the issues of these his visitations were, how he came in with light and life in all these conditions, which the Lord now being pleased to open my eyes to see, my soul was even swallowed up in the apprehension of it, not knowing how to bless and praise his name sufficiently for these his appearances.  
Thus did the Lord follow on with one mercy and discovery upon the neck of another, which all depended upon, and as it were opened one another, for this last day did the Lord discover in particular to my soul what those hints and gracious visitations on my soul, wherein all these conditions which the day before he taught me I was to take such special notice of; in the remaining part part also of the week was the Lord pleased to go on to settle and farther open these truths, and give me to see his mighty hand and outstretched arm all along in it.  
The next Lord's day, being the ninth of this eleventh month 1652. the Lord was pleased also to come in through that ministry he hath placed us under at Fulham, with a seasonable word to back all this which was spoken by our Pastor Mr. Knight, from Heb. 2. 2. that the words of God they are steadfast words, abiding words, words that shall certainly abide and be accomplished in their season.  
Thus in these eight days, now last past, hath the Lord, through and by his word and spirit, been pleased to give into my soul a discovery of his gracious visitations of me for 〈◊〉 many years past.  
And truly I think, I should much rob the Lord of his Glory, if I should not acknowledge him a God hearing prayer, who was pleased, even at this time, in my apprehension so eminently to appear, that I was constrained in spirit to acknowledge it and did, and do desire that he may have the glory of it.  
The Lord having of late thus begun to manifest his loving kindness to my soul, there was at this time, from Rom. 13. 11. this truth set home mightily upon my heart, that this time of God's appearance in way of love and mercy, etc. was the only blessed time in the world to that soul to whom he thus appears, and a time which should of all times in the world be taken special notice of, and carefully improved, from whence I had further many seasonable instructions, as  
That I should walk in the sight of God's countenance while I enjoy it, yea  
And work in it whiles I had it, before or lest darkness come, Joh. 12. 35, 36. & Joh. 9 4. yea to do good in this time and opportunity, whiles God thus shines upon the heart, Gal. 6. 10. yea and to improve it to this end, to lay up in store a good foundation for time to come, even as men do in their trade in the matters of this world, 1 Tim. 6. 17, 18, 19 yea, to redeem this time, Ephes. 5. 16. to think nothing too much to buy it out of the hands of hucksters, out of the hands of all other businesses what ever in this world.  
And here I must needs say, that though our Pastor spoke much to this purpose, and that sweetly, a while since from 2 Cor. 6. 2. Behold now is the acceptable time, behold now is the day of Salvation; yet did it not take upon my heart in that way, as these few hints did, for the Lord had not then appeared to my soul in those manifestations of love, as he did afterward, and how ever these Scriptures do chief refer as I conceive to the time of the Gospel, and Gods love to the souls of men, in bringing of them home to himself, yet that truth which was at this time chief set upon my heart was from the consideration of this present hint of time, wherein the Lord through his rich grace in my Lord Jesus Christ had been pleased to cause his face to shine upon my soul.  
The very next day, being the 13 of this month, in the morning when I was awaked as I lay in my bed I had that Scripture in Luk. 13. 11. brought fresh to my mind, (of that woman whom Satan had bowed these eighteen years, vers. 16. whom Christ loosed) with a persuasion, before ever I began to count it that the time of my Thraldom under Satan and sin would run parallel with this, as also my condition, for saith the text, she had a spirit of infirmity and was bowed together so as she could in no wise lift up herself, and truly thus I found it had been with me for many years, I had been bound by Satan under unbelief, and the corruptions of my own heart, and so bowed together, as I could in no wise lift up myself, so as to give glory to God by believing, and as for the time when I came to count it, from the first time that the Lord was pleased to touch my heart with a sight and sense of my wretched condition, and thereupon to occasion much trouble of spirit, which was as I conceive, about the year 1635. which reckoned until the end of the year 1652, which was the first time that ever the Lord did, upon real solid grounds, speak any abiding word of comfort to me, and so in any measure losing me from those bands, and I did find it to be just 18 years.  
This same morning also a little while after there fell an other Scripture upon my heart, which I found recorded in Psal. 129. 1, 2. Many a time have they afflicted me from my youth may I srael now say, many a time have they afflicted me from my youth, yet have they not prevailed against me; and hath it not been thus with my soul? many a time hath it been afflicted with temptations, and corruptions, but through mercy they have not yet totally prevailed over me.  
There was also two other Scriptures immediately after this, set upon my heart this morning, as first, that in Psal. 34. 6. This poor man cried and the Lord heard him and saved him out of all his troubles: even so this poor soul of mine hath cried unto the Lord in my fears, and he hath (blessed be his name) heard me and graciously delivered me out of all the fears and troubles that ever yet lay upon me.  
And to back this for the future, there was immediately that Scripture brought to my mind in Joh. 5. 19 He shall deliver thee in six troubles, yea in seven there shall no evil touch thee: the meditation whereof was exceeding sweet to my soul, but whilst my soul lay under these enjoyments from the Lord, (which for a time even swallowed up my heart in the admiration of him) yet notwithstanding suddenly after, finding my heart exceedingly straightened to bliss and praise the name of this my God, in such a manner and measure as my soul desired, for all these wonderful appearances to me, I had this persuasion strongly darted into me, that the Lord had some sharp affliction suddenly to lay upon me, which I was fully possessed with expectation of, which caused me to pour out my soul before the Lord, beseeching him to fit me for it, and sanctify it unto me, what ever it should be, not knowing in what way or manner for to expect it, apprehending it to be some sorer stroke than a little bodily affliction, and because I apprehended that the saddest outward affliction that could come to me was the parting with my dear Mother, I did therefore straightway apprehend this would be the trial; at the thoughts of which I was at the present somewhat startled, but within a few days on the 23 of this eleventh month was the Lord pleased to visit my poor body with much bodily distemper, which seized so upon my vital spirits, and so overpoured them, which together with other distempers lay somewhat heavy upon the flesh, in and under which (if I know my own heart) the greatest part of my trouble was that I could not find out what the mind of the Lord was in it, in which inquiry there was some things the which were then presented to me as the ground of it; as for instance;  
The first thing that was darted into me was, that the Lord did it to put a stop to me in this very act of recording the loves of the Lord to my soul, who hath carried me as upon eagle's wings, and as it were set me aloft, Exod. 19 4. so as no affliction or dispensation hath been able to do me hurt, but have born, yea forborn me and carried me all the days of old, as he did his people Israel, notwithstanding all my rebellions, Esa. 63. 9, 10, 12, 15, 16. and this suggestion for aught I know might come even from Satan himself, though I confess it was presented upon a very fair account, insinuating into me that it was out of the pride of my spirit, which put me upon this action, which caused my soul to make its address to the Lord, beseeching him to search me and try my heart and my reins, and withal begging of him, that if there were any such corruption in the bottom which was not yet discovered to me, that he would be pleased to reveal it, and so put a stop to me in any actings whatsoever upon any such account.  
And though upon the strictest search and inquiry that I was able to make into my own heart, I could find little ground why I should altogether conclude with Satan in this, yet the very fear of it did for the space of half a year at least, (if I mistake not) cause this work to cease, until it was again set with some weight upon my spirit, as that which might make for the glory of my Lord, and perhaps (though weakly) stammer out his praise, when I shall be gathered into into my dust, who was so unable to speak it out in my life; and this I both did, and do the rather believe, to proceed from Satan, the great enemy of Souls, because I find the Saints through the Scripture so ready to declare what great things the Lord had done for their souls, Psal. 34. 2. & 66. 16. 1 Tim. 1. 13, 14, 15, 16. Act. 22. there was also suddenly after this presented to me, as one thing that the Lord might aim at in this touch of his, even to mind, me that I had not that degree of compassion or fellow feeling, as I ought, of that affliction which in some respect in the same kind (though in a greater degree) lay upon our Sister Arnat by reason of a great fever, and doubtless there might be something in this, though I should also wrong myself, should I not acknowledge much and continued working in my heart for and towards her, which oft occasioned me to spread her condition before the Lord according to my poor measure.  
But upon the 25 of this 11 month, in the night, I had little or no rest, by reason of the great distemper which lay upon me, and really I do not well know weather the distemper of my body or my mind were the greater, but both meeting, it lay somewhat heavy upon the flesh, which thought itself ready to give up under it, but (my thoughts being continually working) I found in my spirit a great natural reluctancy against death, which seemed at times, as it were, to approach, often thinking that it was not possible in natural reason that I could continue until morning, yet said I nothing, for fear of affrighting my Mother, yet had I also between times a great desire, together with a kind of persuasion, that for all this I should be enabled to hear Mr. Knight next morning, whose turn it was to preach at the Chapel at Fulham; thus (I say) finding in my spirit, some kind of reluctancy at death, of which considering a little, (it being that corruption which I thought had now been in some good measure crucified, but) finding it still to work up was no small trouble to me, which together with many other fears that lay upon my spirit, as that I should not be enabled to sanctify the name of God or honour him under this affliction, which was indeed the ground of my trouble at the approach of death, and (if I know my heart in any measure) that only, which I resolved in myself to declare to some friend I should meet at Fulham next day, if the Lord should please to enable me to go, and so beg their remembrance at the throne of grace; but being enabled to consider better of it, I was given to see that it was nothing but a mere temptation to distrust the power and love of God, to think as if he should now bring me into that condition that he would not carry me through; whereupon I was enabled to gather up my spirits a little and in some better measure to submit to the hand and will of my Father, which I was now assured should certainly end in his glory and my good: and to this end, I was now also enabled again to call over that blessed promise in Rom. 8. 28. That all things shall work, yea work together for good to them that love God, etc. which promise I had often found by experience had been made good to my soul, and was therefore much troubled that any distrustful thoughts should arise in me concerning it, divers other promises also before mentioned were now brought to my mind, and wrought afresh upon my heart, which did exceedingly refresh my spirit, so that the first refreshment which I found was in my spirit, and after that was a little quieted, I had a little short slumber, and did the Lord so fare mitigate my bodily distemper, as that it did not hinder me from that blessed opportunity next day though accompanied with much bodily weakness.  
But upon the 2 day of the 12 month 1652. I found my distemper of body much abated, in so much as I thought it was now quite gone, but that very night was the Lord pleased to return, yea to heighten it, constraining me to keep house certain days, whereby I perceived that this work upon my soul was not yet accomplished, nor I fully acquainted with his mind and will in it, which was some trouble to me, whereupon I again besought the Lord to acquaint me with his mind and will in it, and to sanctify it unto me, giving me an heart to submit to whatsoever he had yet further to lay upon me, in which I also sought the prayers of his people upon the 6 of this month.  
But upon the seventh day of this month, Providence offering some occasion whereby I was put upon the thoughts of parting with my Aunt Dogget, who was upon remove into the Country, with many thoughts there abouts, which were now brought to my mind, which occasioned such a heavyness to possess my spirit, upon other accounts also which came in to add to the other; in so much that I was even as it were overwhelmed with it, until I was enabled to vent it before the Lord; at which time he was pleased to discover to me, that this was merely to return as it were from the Lord to the creature, for comfort and support, as if he were not able abundantly to make up in himself the want of such a comfort, and relation, if he see meet to deprive me of it; the thoughts of which did much grieve me? then did the Lord also show me how I had continually provoked him in this kind, by leaning upon such poor reeds, and diging to myself such poor pits, such broken Cisterns, as could indeed hold no water, and in the mean time too much neglect him the fountain of living waters, Jer. 2. 13.  
Yea while I was thus pouring out my soul before him, and lamenting my miserable and wretched folly, he was pleased also to cast my thoughts upon that part of Scripture, I find recorded in 1 King. 11. 9 How the Lord was angry with Solomon because his heart was turned from the Lord God of Israel, which had appeared to him twice; even so I saw, the Lord had just cause to be angry with me, that I should thus again return to the creature, and as it were, make a God of it, yea after such eminent appearances of his to my soul.  
The same day did the Lord bring to my mind that severe threatening against Moab, who had been at ease from his youth, and was settled on his lees, who had not been emptied from vessel to vessel, neither had gone into captivity, and therefore his taste remained in him, and his scent was not changed, Jer. 48. 11, now finding this given by the Spirit of God, as the reason why his scent remained, even because he had not been emptied, etc. I could not but stand and wonder, what reason could be given of the corruptions in my heart, whom the Lord had not left at ease, but had often emptied from vessel to vessel, as it were trying always and means with me, and yet that I should still savour so much of the earth, and of the old man, and should still so incline to depend upon an arm of flesh, 2 Chron. 32. 8. Jer. 17. 5. and not the rock of Ages.  
The next morning, as I lay in my bed, I had a secret persuasion darted into me, that the Lord was even now answering a great desire of my soul, that I have often yea a long time desired, that the Lord would be pleased to search and try my reins and my heart, and to reveal it to my soul, that I might see what was in the bottom of my heart, even as he saw it, and that to that end he would please to turn the very inside of my heart outward, and anatomize it before my eyes, and surely the Lord hath been a long time, yea for many years, emptying me from vessel to vessel, and turning me, as it were, upside down, laying me under variety of conditions, and dispensations, sometimes under mercies, sometimes afflictions, sometimes one affliction, sometimes an other, sometimes under scoffs, scorns, injuries, wrongs from near relations, sometimes sickness, weaknesses, pains, bodily trials, spiritual exercises, under the power of corruptions and temptations of all sorts, and in all conditions, and I hope his end is in and by all to purge away my dregs, yea, I hope he is now in this present affliction making a discovery of my own heart too, showing me how apt it is to departed from the living God, and to seek fullness of contentment and satisfaction in poor empty things, which the Lord grant I may so see as never more to pursue after them.  
Then did the Lord (the sixteenth of this 12. month 1652. being the fourth day of the week, and our Pastors turn to preach) seasonably backe this former conviction which lay upon my heart, the Lord being pleased that day both through him as also by his own spirit, to speak many seasonable words to my soul, showing me that, indeed, the true reason why I had wandered so long in a vast howling wilderness without the clear sight of his blessed face, (which as he now shown me) was because I had not indeed given up myself to the guidance and leading of Jesus Christ, but would be gadding about to find my own way and paths of my own, Jer. 2. 33, 36. and therefore it was just with God to deal with me as he did with Israel of old, and bring me back again, causing me with sorrow to unravel all that I had done, and acknowledge it to be my folly and madness to think to find the path of life and glory by any actings of my own without a clear going out of myself, and by faith laying hold upon the righteousness of the Lord Jesus Christ only.  
Yea, as Israel of old, upon every new strait, difficulty, or danger, still fell to murmuring against the Lord, and against his servants, even so was it with my wretched heart, how ready was it upon every occasion or dispensation of God to me, to repine, murmur, and cry out, why is it thus with me, surely if he had any love to me it would not? etc.  
Yea as they did many of them, in their hearts, return back again into Egypt, after God had most eminently appeared to them, and gone before them and with them, even thus I saw it was with my wretched heart: oh! how ready is it still to return back to the creature for comfort? etc. yea, with Demas to return again to this present world too much (and that after such appearances of God to me) did not the Lord ever and anon put me in mind, and stir me, and show me what was in my heart.  
Yea, as Israel in their murmuring discontent cried out, would God we had died in Egypt, even so did my wretched heart; seeing the difficulty and danger which I apprehended did attend the way to heaven and therefore fearing I should fall short and be overcome of Satan one time or other, and so brought to hell for my sins, in a murmuring repining way at the various administrations of God to me, often wished would God I had died in the womb.  
And as they for this murmuring were caused to wander in the wilderness until their carcases were wasted away, and never suffered to possess that good land, or see it, many of them; even so how justly might the Lord have dealt thus with me, and have caused me to wander in this vast desolate wilderness, in myself, until not only my body, which in a great measure did, but until my very soul should pine away in me; but that ever the Lord should give such an unworthy wretch any sights of that good land, to see those bunches of grapes, etc. that are there in abundance, and to have any small taste of them, oh! the riches of that grace how unsearchable and unfadomeable is this loving kindness and mercy? These and many other sweet discoveties of himself, and of my own heart, was the Lord pleased to give forth into my soul this day, both by his word and spirit, showing me my madness and folly in not staying in all my way, to see Christ go before me, and guide and lead me, but running before him upon ways of my own, which the Lord had justly and righteously, (yea I hope in the greatest mercy) blasted to me, which the Lord grant may never more be seen in or found done by me.  
Then upon the third day of the first month 1653. being a day set apart by the Parliament for a public fast throughout the Commonwealth, Mr. Knight and Mr. Smalwood with one more kept the day at Fulham.  
Mr. Smalwood began the day, and shown us that it was prophesied concerning Christ, that he should come as a warrior amongst the Gentiles, and that the chief seat of this his spiritual war (to let go that of his providential Kingdom) is in the hearts of his people, there being the seat of the greatest opposition against him.  
Showing us that the principal thing that man setteth up in his heart against Christ is his own righteousness, & therefore Christ will come to wage war in that heart where this is seated and set up against him.  
Which, through grace, gave me a sight clearly of the true reason of all those combustions, hurries, frights, and tumults in my heart for many years together, that it was because Christ was coming there, as a warrior to pull down those fortifications that I was making to keep him out, to wit, my striving and endeavouring, might and main, to set up my own righteousness too much; and blessed for ever be that grace that thus many ways both prevented it, and also went on discovering the evil of it to me, many sweet refreshments also were hinted out to my soul this day, by the Lord, through this his servant, which came in with such mighty power upon my heart, as that I cannot but record them.  
Having now thus shown us where it is that this seat of this war of Christ is, he then came afterwards to show what kind of war he doth thus wage in the hearts of his people, which he opened to be the same that he waged in the world in his providential kingdom, that is, both an offenlive, and a defensive war.  
First, an offensive war against sin, guilt, and Satan, ye against all spiritual wickednesses in the heart, Col. 2. 15. yea in Rom. 8. 3. he is said to condemn sin in the flesh] that is, he hath put it out of his office, he hath taken away the weapons of sin, sin was our ruler before Christ came, but when he comes he puts it out of office, takes away not only the power but the guilt, yea, makes a great deal of difference between a neighbour and a master; as long as you are here below you will find sin a neighbour, it will be visiting of you, and coming into your hearts often, yea and it is well if you converse not too much with it; but if Christ rule over you sin shall not be your master any more.  
Yea, he brings down not only the rebellion of the heart, but also every imagination and high thoughts into the obedience of Christ, 2 Cor. 10. 4, 5.  
Christ doth not war like men, they first take the outworks, and so go nearer & nearer, but Christ gins first at the heart, and brings down the pride of that & rebellion of that, and then the outworks these high thoughts that arise he brings them down also.  
Christ also, secondly, wageth a defensive war, defending that soul against sin, and and Satan, Rom. 16. 20. It is true, though Satan be conquered in his dominions, and trodden down, and sin hath its deadly wound, yet are they still conspiring against us, and our defence is only by Jesus Christ, Zech. 3. 1. where we may see how God keeps his people from being overcome, Satan he takes occasion and advantage from our unholiness and unrighteousness when you come to appear before the Lord, what eve appears of sin in you he will accuse you for before the Father, and were it not for Jesus Christ his accusation would stand, for it is true; but Christ comes and saith, the Lord rebuke thee, O Satan, is not this a brand plucked out of the fire?] as if he should say, these are a people redeemed by my blood, and in a day of hardship, therefore take away these filthy garments from them] Christ will not only defend his people, but take away that by which Satan takes occasion and advantage to accuse them. Then he came to show us the nature of this warrior, the Lord Jesus, which was opened in six things which afforded abundant matter of consolation to my soul; if where he comes to rule he rules as a man of strength, there is nothing too hard for him. Micah 7. 18, 19 He will subdue our iniquities, thou wilt cast all their sins into the depth of the sea] great sin's, as covetousness, pride, and that cursed sin of unbelief, are all subdued by Jesus Christ. Therefore, if sin do at any time bear sway in thy soul, it is because Christ for a time suspends, and lets his power lie still, and leaveth you a while to see your own weakness, but when he comes again and engageth your soul to him then is the putting out of his power as a strong man.  
Secondly, he carrieth himself as a man of great authority; he hath not only power and strength, but a right to govern the hearts of his people. oh how sweet is this to poor believers! Satan hath power to destroy you, but he hath no authority; but Christ hath both, and therefore it is you are kept by him: he can say to the proud waves, to the pride and rebellion of your hearts, peace, be still, such is his authority.  
3. He ruleth also in wisdom; poor believers are ready to say the Lord hath forgotten them but there is no searching his under standing, Isa. 40. 27, 28. he can find a way to deliver you from your pride, and urbelief; that you think not of as he did Lot out of Sodom, Psal. 147. 5, he is that great Counselior that consulteth the safety of his people.  
4. He rules in Justice, he ever wageth war upon a righteous account, and to righteous ends; when he comes to war in your souls, it is because there are enemies there: he never makes a quarrel, but fights because of a quarrel, he is not like a man to come only to be master, no, Jesus Christ evermore findeth enemies or he would not war; he finds a poor creature unrighteous & unholy, & he wageth war to leave them holy & righteous.  
Fifthly, he carrieth himself as a man of constant resolution, who if he hath once begun to war and to subdue iniquity in any of your hearts, he will not leave till he makes an end thereof: the guilt of sin is that which troubles poor souls, now guilt is the obligation of the soul unto justice, it signifies in the Greek to tie & bind; so when a man sins he ties and binds himself over to justice, than God prepares himself for vengeance: now Jesus Christ he comes & unties this, and setteth his soul at liberty, that sin shall not again prevail; he will defend that soul to the end, and make it more than conqueror over all its enemies.  
Sixthly, where Christ comes as a warrior to conquer, there he also comes as King to reign, he will rule over them and in them, to give laws to that soul, and to give an heart to obey them: Christ hath been (haply) a long time pulling down in your souls, well he will come & reign also there & destroy all the works of the Devil in you, and come and rule you, and give you laws, and a heart to obey them, and that as your King.  
Oh then see here the love of God in giving Christ thus to rule over us! consider this love of his from Tit. 3. 3, 4. We ourselves also were sometimes, etc. Until the love of God appeared to a poor Gentile: see what he was, a poor foolish man, that cannot understand what command is given; yet these Christ comes to govern nay he finds them not only silly, but disobedient, sturdy, stout, mutinous ones, such as will not obey, but Christ appears to make foolish disobedient ones obedient, but that is not all, they are held under deceit, and yet Christ of these makes faithful ones, yea, that is not all neither, but they serve divers lusts, not one lust but many, but when Christ comes to rule, this soul shall have all subdued to him, oh consider then how free grace appears in this! to whom then will you give up yourselves if not to Christ? This may also discover the perverseness of those that will not be ruled by Jesus Christ.  
And then hath Jesus Christ taken possession of any of your hearts? ruled for you in your souls? brought down the pride of your heart? laid low the tower of your righteousness? governed you in any measure? then give him the glory of it, and beg of him further to do it: you find much amiss, he only can mend all who was given for a ruler and commander, Isai. 55. 4. Oh! behold him as s●…h an one, behold him above all, not only to help at a dead lift, when your own righteousness cannot do it, but behold him above all as the only governor of your souls, look on him with an eye of dependence, waiting for the accomplishment of his work in your souls, and mourn to think that though he was given to govern you, that you should be governing of yourselves without him, and so grieve him; and if Christ be appointed by the Father to govern the Gentiles, then ask your own hearts who governeth you? whose laws do you obey? what rule do you walk by? what ends do you aim at?  
And truly upon examination, finding that Christ of his own rich grace had been thus at work in my heart, and this whole discourse being as it were but a declaration of his dealing with my soul, which I could not pass by without setting down, and putting it upon record, it seeming to me, even as if the Lord had spoken from heaven to my soul in particular; therefore I think I should much dishonour him, if I should not, to his praise, in the desires of my soul acknowledge, that every one of these marks of Christ have been in some measure (some more some less) through grace, wrought by him in my heart, though I must still acknowledge that there is too much opposition against him in my soul, which I desire to wait and do expect according as hath been expressed, the utter subduing thereof, which time (I hope) hasteth when Christ will come & take up full possession of my soul, & rule in it and over it for ever.  
The same day, in the close of it, Mr. Knight spent a little time upon Esay 65. 24. from which there was also many gracious discoveries hinted out to my soul, concerning God's readiness to hear before his people call, where he puts us upon warchfulness, what work Christ was about in the nation, which the Lord was pleased to make as a spur to my dull spirit to look out what that work was that God was now doing, or about to do in my heart, even I hope fitting of me for a more full enjoyment of himself; then did the Lord also by his servant declare out to us in these latter days, these Gospel times, wherein God hastens his work: which throughly I found to be made good to my poor soul, the Lord having been pleased exceedingly to hasten his work upon my heart, and the manifestation of his blessed face to my soul, even faster than my scant heart could imagine. Which appearances of this in his manner caused my soul to enter into these serious thoughts and considerations, whether I might not hence argue, that, sure, the Lord was nigh the accomplishment of it by putting an end to to the sinful days of my Pilgrimage here below; yea, here did the Lord show me that whatever it be that lies in the way when he comes to do this great work he will remove, or down with it: and truly, this I saw through grace, to be his manner of dealing with my soul, be it my own righteousness, be it mere relations on whom I too much leaned, and conceived my happiness to lie much in, be it what it will, Christ will remove it when he comes to do his great work; therefore, as I was then taught, I ought to rely still upon Christ's readiness, which the Lord grant I may. There was also hinted to us that nothing was satisfactory to the Saints call, but God's answer, where the Lord was pleased to convince my soul of the evil that I had so long been guilty of, that I still poured out my prayers before the Lord, but never regarded any answer, concluding that God would never answer them, and truly now the Lord hath been pleased to show me that it is a great sin in me to content myself in pouring out my desires, and never looking after the returns of them, until the Lord was pleased suddenly, and in an unexpected manner and measure, as he hath promised to come in with an answer to my soul, even before I thought of it, or expected it, though I had often begged it of the Lord.  
Another thing was then hinted to my soul, which the Lord hath been pleased to give me much experience of, to wit, what a blessed thing it is, and comfortable to the soul to have mercies come in as an answer to prayer, which is that which maketh them sweet indeed to that soul that enjoyeth them; there was also at this blessed season that objection answered, that the Saints often pray and yet God doth not answer; showing, First, that many times they do not well understand God's answers, but his answers are very full though they understand them not: Secondly, yea sometimes he answers by conversing with the soul at that time, admiting them into his presence with that freedom; Thirdly, by giving of them strength of grace for the attendance and waiting upon him; Fourthly, sometimes by awakening of the soul by a due prising of the mercies begged; Fifthly, sometimes by giving in of mercies that are not in the same kind the soul would have them: every of which ways I now see the Lord hath answered those prayers which formerly I thought had been covered with a cloud; from all which did the Lord stir up my soul to a quick, lively, diligent search into the answers of prayers that had been put up to the Lord by my poor soul for many years passed to this day, in the search of which I found many rich answers that I had long rob the Lord of the glory of.  
The ninth of March did the Lord please to send that servant of his Mr. Marshal to the Chapel at Fulham, who did from the Lord declare a most gracious and comfortable word to my soul, which the Lord pleased to bless to me, and may be ground for my faith while I have a day to live in this sinful world, that which the Lord was pleased to hint from him 1 Ephes. 22, 23. from which he took occasion to show us that Christ do stand in that relation to all his Saints, as the natural head doth to the natural body; and that therefore as in the natural body all those perfections that are in the head, are in it, for the good and use of the whole body; and that if every limb and joint, if it could speak, it might say, I am at ease, I can see, taste, smell, and the like, therefore all these perfections in Christ the head are in him for the good and use of every one of his members.  
What ever can be spoken concerning Christ as undertaking the work of man's salvation, they are these perfections of Christ the head; as for example, as the fullness of Christ's person, his divine and humane perfections, all the excellencies of his offices, all his merits, and all his satisfactions, gifts, graces, every thing that can be truly spoken of Christ, since he was designed of God for the salvation of man, all these perfections are purposely in him for the good of his Church, he proved it from Heb. 7. 22. Where he is called the surety of a better Testament; Christ's love is set out by a suretyship; now a surety, as a surety, is wholly for the good of them whom he is thus a surety for; if a man, as a surety, shall become bound to an other, when he seals the bond he doth it as a surety; when he is arrested for the debt, it is as he is a surety; when he pays the debt, when he cancels the bond, he doth it as a surety, all he doth; from the beginning to the end, is only his voluntary act undertaking to be a pawn and pledge; Thus did Jesus Christ.  
God the Father he enters into a covenant with lost man undertaking to be the God of sinful man, and man covenants to be his people; he covenanteth to give them this benefit, and they to yield him this obedience: now Jesus Christ he comes and undertaketh to be a surety for both, he undertaketh to God, on man's part, all that man oweth shall be paid, every jot of duty to be performed shall be performed; and on God's part, he undertaketh all the good that God hath promised shall be made good to them upon their believing; thus he is a surety.  
The like expressions you have Joh. 7. 21. when Christ prayed to the Father for them, whom he undertook, first, to bring them home, then, to keep them in this world, then, that they might partake of his glory with the Father; for their sakes I sanctify myself: now to be sanctified signifieth ordinarily to be made clean from corruption, and endued with grace and holiness, but sanctification in this place properly is nothing else but separation to God, therefore, said Christ, I did separate myself, give up myself to God; and all the work that Christ undertook he expresseth in that word, he separated himself for their sakes: so that if you do ask why was the Son of God made man? why he lived? why he died? why he preached? why he prayed? all was for their sakes, that is, for their sakes whom he there prayed for: and then in 1 Cor. 1. last. Jesus Christ is said to be made unto us wisdom, righteousness, sanctification and redemption, Christ was made all this, and he was made it of God, and made it for us, wisdom to us, righteousness to us, all to us; nay there is no one thing spoken of Christ through the Scriptures, but there are plain Scriptures that do show, that it was for us: when he was made flesh, the Scripture saith, it is to us a child is born, and a son given; when he lived, he lived for us, he is said to die for our sins, and rise again for justification; he ascended for us, and sitteth at God's right hand for us, for our sakes he returns to judgement. Oh how abundantly did the Lord refresh my poor spirit from these Scriptures! thinking with myself, oh wretched heart, why shouldest thou ever harbour one hard thought of God or Christ more? or give way to one doubt more?  
Then, in the application he came to put this lively question to our hearts.  
Whether do any of you rely on Christ for your Saviour, and see the need you have of him? hath the Lord convinced you of your own lost undone condition through sin, persuading you to go to Jesus Christ, and cast your souls on him to undertake for you? doth God witness with your souls, that really and sincerely, above all things in the world you desire to be found in Christ? if this be thy condition (to which my soul did, and doth answer before the Lord, Lord thou searcher of hearts knowest, by thy rich grace, thou hast many years ago brought my soul to this very frame) than what is it thou canst want, if Christ be thy Saviour? why all that is in him is for thee, all that wisdom and grace that is in him is for thee, and will not this answer all thy objections; if thou couldst but understand it rightly, what is it thou canst say thou wantest but it is in Christ? I, saith the soul, I know he is all-sufficient; then this is in him for thee.  
Then he came to answer a great objection? which (I must confess) hath puzzled my soul many a year, and laid me under very sad fears, which the Lord cleared up in some measure to my soul heretofore, but much confirmed me at this present.  
Object. I but (saith a soul) if I could indeed partake of this you speak of, oh! this would settle my poor heart; but this rather maketh me fear that I have no part in Christ, if all that he hath be for his members; if I were one of his members how come I to be so empty? could he then deny me that which I humbly beg of him every day? the Lord is my witness (saith the soul) that I have for many years made my daily suit, that Jesus Christ would please to give me pardon, and grace, and wisdom, and ability to serve him; if he be a friend, yea, and trusty, and thus faithful, would he deny it me if I had a right to it? therefore I rather fear, I am none of his.  
1. Answ. Say not such a word (saith he) for it may be, thou hast a great deal more than thou dost take notice of; If Jesus Christ hath tendered satisfaction to the father's justice, and the Father hath accepted of it, and if he hath merited all grace for thee, and hath already purchased it for thee, and will give it out when thou hast most need, thou art then more happy by having it in his hand, then if it were in thy own keeping: even as if one were my surety, haply I want much wherewith to pay all my debts, and to provide that for me which I want; now if he goes and cancels all my bonds, and purchaseth in his hands whatsoever I need, is not this for me, though not yet delivered into my own hand? thou must by that eye of faith see what Christ hath done to the Father, and what in his own hand he hath received from the Father: and if it be in his hand for thee, is it not as good as in thine own?  
2. Thou sayest thou hast so little, It may be thou mightest have a great deal more than thou hast, if thou wert indeed contented that Christ should be the wellhead, and thou only the cistern; but we would feign have our portion of grace to be in our own hands, and then we would look upon ourselves to be as somebody; whereas, if we could be but contented to let Christ have the honour of all, and we think it enough to be but partakers of it by faith, we should have much more committed to our hands then we have already. Oh how fully did these two answers come in upon my heart!  
3. There are no better arguments of a heart filled with grace, then to be mourning for the want of grace; for look in the book of God, and there they that make the greatest moan over their own hearts, and their want of grace, they are the most eminent of all other, as we see in Paul and David; this I speak (saith he) not to encourage any in a careless lazy way, but to comfort drooping spirits, and the rather, because there is no way under heaven so like to make you really holy as to be emboldened thus to go to Jesus Christ, and the soul seeing what full and free grace comes from Jesus Christ, the love of Christ would constrain the soul to walk holily and thankfully towards him; thus knowing there is all fullness in Christ as in the head for the use of all the members, then, accordingly, as soon as ever you find any defect in yourselves in any kind to interrupt your comfort and peace, let the next question be, But hath he not sufficiency for this? then betake to Jesus Christ: as suppose a poor woman were going with her pale of water which she had drawn out of a well or living fountain, and on a sudden had a slip, and spilt it all out of her pail, and there sitteth crying to think what she had lost, now whether were it better, or a sign of more wisdom for her to stand gathering up of that which she spilt, or to go and dip her pail into the Well again, and so fill it presently? surely the last were her wisdom: so when we lose our peace and our comfort, we ought to be humbled, but to think to recruit ourselves by our gathering up that which we have lost, this is not our wisdom; let us go to Christ, our wellhead, and make it up presently.  
From which the Lord did indeed convince me much of my folly, having been so long at work to scrape and gather up somewhat of that I had lost, neglecting Jesus Christ, where was fullness; then did the Lord, by this servant of his, mightily provoke us to a diligent study of Jesus Christ, to bend our minds, heads, and hearts and all, to come to know what ever there was that was knowable in Jesus Christ, and that from the consideration of the excellency of this knowledge above all other knowledge; yea further, what soever you learn of Jesus Christ you learn but to understand your own wealth, and know your own happiness; for instance, imagine two men coming by some delicate house full of rich treasure, and an officer should stand by and say, Sir are you willing to see all the riches of this house? haply you will say (for curiosity sake) we care not if we do; but if he comes to one of them and says, Sir, all that is here is yours, you are made whole executor, and it is all bequeathed to you, oh! how would this man search the house? how he would study every deed, and every word in it, and search every cabinet, and get an inventory of all that was there; why, for they are all his: so, when we see the wealth, rarities of others, we say, but what do they concern me? or if I should see the wealth of Solomon, what am I the richer? but when I see the wealth of Christ I see my own riches.  
Oh my soul, the Lord grant that this may be thy study day and night! here indeed is the difference you should make between Christ and others, when I hear and read the excellencies of other Saints, it may be a discouragement, as when I read of the patience of Job, I am discouraged, because I am so peevish; when I read of the holiness of David, who prayed seven times a day, and many times in the night rising to prayer, this discourageth me; but when I read of Christ's patience or boliness, I look on him, not as abstract from me, but as my head, as one that all he did was for me; oh, than who would not but know what is knowable of him!  
But then again, did Christ do all he did for us? then surely every thing, yea, all that a Christian hath should be for Christ, and then should we show ourselves Christians indeed, as Paul, 2 Cor. 5. 14, 15. for (saith he) the love of Christ constrained us, for we thus judge, that if Christ died for us, than were we dead; then we that live should live to him that died for us; the love of Christ overcame him, and carried him captive, as a strong stream would carry a little cockboat: what was I dead, and did Christ give me life? then if by the grace of God I live, I will give that life to Christ: never do you live like a Christian till you come to this, to live wholly to Christ in all that you have and do enjoy, your estate, Trade, and in all your outward comforts; and it's most certain that to a gracious heart there is no Rhetoric under heaven will more prevail to the performance of a duty, or to the avoiding of what is evil, then to persuade to the one, or to forbear the other, by the love of Christ; this draws out the heart to be liberal for Christ, and serviceable to Christ; oh how full did these convictions come upon my heart! the Lord having but just before been pleased to give in a portion of the outward riches to me, which wrought so upon my heart, and made me greatly to desire and beg of God, that whatever I had or enjoyed might be wholly improved for Jesus Christ and for the advancement of his glory.  
The 18 of March, Mr. Knight being under some bodily distemper, not being fit to preach, my heart was drawn out to go to London to hear, though with some bodily prejudice, not being very well, and the weather falling out wet, yet did the Lord provide a comfortable and refreshing word for my poor soul, both from Mr. Simpson, whom I heard in the morning, as also from Mr. Rogers, whom I heard in the afternoon, Mr. Simpson spoke from that Scripture, Ephes. 1. 6, 7. verses.  
The 23 of March, 1652. being the fourth day of the week, did the Lord go on yet further to speak many comfortable rrefreshing words to my soul, from Mr. Knight's ministry, who then spoke to us from that Scripture in 1 Joh. 4. 19 We love him, because he first loved us; whence was observed, That as love beaming out from God to his people takes them up into union with himself, so this union occasions the reflection upon that divine love, whereby we love God again; so that, being beloved we love the first lover which is God. There are two things very pleasing to gracious hearts, the one is to take a view of God in his rich love; & the other, to view ourselves interested in that love.  
For the first, all sights of God are glorious, because his glory passeth through all his discoveries; but no sight more ravishing then that of his love, and no love like his distinguishing love, with which he loves his people, whereby he makes them both loving and lovely, for the beauty of a Saint is the beam of his love, and the lustre and glory of that love is, that it springs from his love who loved us first.  
And here he shown us, that in these words we had a loving and beloved disciple of Christ, taking a due survey of the fountain of all saving operation to be in God himself: and secondly, that from the light of that divine love he looks into his own and other believers hearts, and finds a strange reflection of the divine beam of love from God in his, and their loves to God again.  
In the first was showed the glory of the person loving which is God: secondly, the manner of his communicating of all saving good, it's through love; and then the object of this love (us;) and last, the priority of it, he loved us first; where was further observed, that this is a communicative nature in the goodness of God, it is not drawn forth, but puts forth itself in love, that there is nothing in the creature to procure it, neither can any thing in the creature hinder it; whiles we were yet enemies he reconciled us by the blood of his cross.  
This love in God is a nature not a passion.  
And all he hath, and is, and doth to believers, issues through his love, his wisdom, power, all is communicated through love, so that we were taught,  
First, that the Saints are the blessed ones of God.  
Secondly, they are beloved before they love.  
Thirdly, that they that are beloved of him do love him.  
Fourthly, that they love him because they are first beloved.  
And by Application of these we are taught.  
First to be like our heavenly Father in love, yea in loving where we are not beloved; this was a singular thing required of the Saints, especially to love men's souls, the stream of divine love it runs in the salvation of men's souls; it loves to be like God.  
Secondly, let no man glory in what he is, what hast thou that is not an issue of this love? this love makes the difference between thee and others, be not high minded but fear.  
Thirdly, consider your engagements to divine love, you own all you have, and are, and all you shall be to eternity to this love of God.  
Fourthly, we were exhorted to look out for as much as love could yield us; love in man sets the whole soul a work to search for some suitable thing that may best please its object: so God takes up the best ways to make the glory of his love shine most clearly towards us, and therefore unveils it in the face of Jesus Christ: as also fifthly, we were exhorted to walk answerable to this love.  
First, humbly, it is a free love that is the spring of all we have and are.  
Secondly, look into all your ways, to see what fruit this great and glorious seed of love brings forth in you.  
Thirdly, be transformed into love, that you may be lovely as well as beloved.  
Fourthly, as you look into God's first love, so look into your own first love; abate not of your love to him, for he abates not: what he ever was, that he will be unto you.  
Fifthly, if the Saints are beloved, let me take heed of abusing Gods beloved ones, his darlings.  
Sixthly, walk cheerfully, you are beloved from above, what if the servant frown so the Master love?  
Give God your first love.  
Give God yourself, in your lives, not only your duties but yourselves; for God gives you, in his love not only your pardon, and gifts and graces, but himself.  
Be not jealous of God, he loved first,  
Be like God, be first in love to the Saints, look not for love to yourself but be lovely to others.  
Love first, and that will draw love.  
God liveth where he loveth, he loveth us first, than God liveth where he loveth, as the creature is said to do: if God loveth us, than he is said to live within us, and that continually; and therefore as sure as God liveth there is a real heaven in the heart of the Saints, for as God liveth in heaven, so he doth in the heart of his Saints: therefore say not, who shall go into heaven to see God? but if God loves thee, and his heart be set on thee, there is that lovein thee that shall see God's love to thee, which is a heaven to the heart.  
Is God's love to you? then look for as much as Gods love can afford; now what will not love afford to a man's wife or children? it contenteth them not that they have meat, drink, apparel, but that they have that which is suitable to their relations and condition in this world: now all in God issues through his love; therefore, oh Saints! raise your hearts to look for as much as this love can afford, so as your hearts may stand and wonder at the height, depth, and length of the love of God.  
Oh how should your hearts rejoice! ye live not by what you have, but on what is in the heart of your Father; oh! therefore go with open mouths, and enlarged hearts to him, for if he can find any administration that may most fill and satisfy your hearts, look for that, because he thought no blood could satisfy you, but his Son's blood.  
Because he thought no gift like that of his Son, oh therefore let not your hearts be straightened! do not content yourselves with little things, and say, oh! if I can but scrabble to heaven I care not; but remember in what relation you are set, even under the beams of divine love, therefore look for as much as this love affordeth you.  
Oh how abundantly did the Lord refresh my spirit from these precious truths thus hinted out to me! and still he goes on confirming my soul in the apprehension of his love; which doth (in some measure) cause my soul to turn back with love to him again, which the Lord increase.  
The second of March 1653. having appointed a Church-meeting, every Wednesday after the lecture at Fulham, and it being now to begin, and the brethren being put upon it to exercise their gifts, the Lord was pleased much to draw out my heart to beg his presence and pouring out of a large measure of his spirit upon the brethren, fitting them for this work, taking special notice of one of them, whose spirit did melt before the Lord into tears in the apprehension (as I conceive) of the weight of the work, which (I confess) took much upon my heart; and drew it out very much to seek the Lord on their behalf, as also that it might be a blessed opportunity to all our souls.  
The 28 of March, how many sweet refreshments did the Lord hand out to my soul? (which I desire may abide upon my spirit) through Mr. Knights ministry at Fulham, from 1 Cor. 11. 24. Take, eat, this is my body that is broken for you, this do in remembrance of me; from the word [take] there are seven considerations, full of abundant comforts, as they were set upon my heart, as  
First, here observe Christ's heart, and see with what bowels of affection he speaketh, how freely himself offers the riches of mercy, [take] why what, or whom should we take, but himself, possess himself? thus he standeth calling and crying, take me, love me, receive me, eat me, drink me; let me be yours, oh high love! he doth not bid the soul take wrath, vengeance, death, or hell, but take me.  
Secondly, his commands are more to pleasure you then himself, why should we take Christ? why this is my body that was broken for you, my blood that was shed for you, take me for your own sakes, for you need me, to refresh your hearts, therefore take me not that I shall be the better by it, but that you may have more pleasure and delight in me, that may do you all good: oh high love!  
Thirdly, observe, Christ sees our need better than ourselves, there are bowels of compassion in him; what, for a man that enjoyeth much to look out for them that want much? yet so it is here, you have not the disciples crying, oh Christ give us thyself, and blood, but here is a Christ who having it, and knowing that we stand in need of it, offers it freely, [take] oh admirable love!  
Fourthly, observe, he is not content till you be fully supplied, he setteth no bounds, but take and eat as much as your hearts will hold; take what? wholeme, all of me; my spirit, blood, mediation with the Father, all my righteousness; take all, he stinteth no man, but opens wide the treasure of his grace.  
Fifthly, observe hence, Christ is well acquainted with the fears of his Saints hearts, therefore, saith he, [take] imploing, as if the trembling heart would say, O Lord, I dare not, these things are too great and good; I know thy fears (saith Christ) but I lay a law on thee that will make thee give over all, for this law comes with power; take and eat, he bids you take, and that on pain of disobedience to Christ, when Satan, and sin, and corruption say, eat not, then remember what Christ your Lord saith, [take and eat] and harken not unto the voice of of a stranger, if any say, eat not, Christ says, eat; though the fears are great, and the tremble many that are on a gracious heart, yet still Christ biddeth them, [take and eat.]  
Sixthly, Christ knew the Saints would tremble, on the point of unworthiness, therefore he saith, [take, eat] why what is it but my body that is broken for you; will you throw away that which is for you? but you are unworthy, why this is that which maketh you worthy; because this is that out of which issues out all righteousness to you: and though they may cry out, they were unfit, he commands them to remember, how fit Christ is for them; for whom is bread fit but for them that are weak, and need nourishment? for whom is that wine but him that is of a sorrowful heart? for whom is that act of Christ, but for that soul, that cries, Lord I am unworthy, thou shouldest come under my roof?  
Seventhly, he saith [take] which is a giving a man a propriety and possession of himself, and this is that indeed this ordinance gives forth, when a man so taketh Christ, as that Christ is his [take, eat, this is my body that is broken for you] showing that the Saints ought, in the communication of this divine mystery, to take Christ wholly, & by this to claim propriety, because nothing can be more ours then a thing that is given us, and we sin against him, if we take him not; O therefore take him as your own.  
He saith not only [take] but [eat] you take in order to eating, so that your acceptation of Christ is that you might be satisfied with Christ, and filled, for he is not only to gaze on, as the brazen Serpent was, but to feed on, as the manna was, therefore (saith Christ) [take and eat] rendering himself in the most easy way of administration; nothing under heaven a man is more easily drawn to then to eat, a hungry man need not be much persuaded to eat, yet behold here,  
First, That you had need to be entreated to eat and feed on Christ, else what need this word, but to note, that the Saints were apt to stand still, when they should be feeding on Christ, therefore saith he [take and eat.]  
Secondly, This is of all other the most easy way of partaking, being a natural act, for that a man eateth putteth him to no pain, yea the pain within is supplied, & the hunger satisfied.  
Thirdly, He setteth no bounds but [take and eat] it is a command that lieth on us, for the supply of wants and the cheering of our hearts, for so fare we may eat, and no further: Christ bids you take what you need, implying,  
1. That there is enough in Christ for any Saint to eat, else it would not become Christ to bid them, but he saith [take and eat] implying that no Saint can say, Lord I have a desire to eat, but here is not enough, they cannot say I have sins and guilt, but can find no pardon, no, Christ bids you [eat] implying there is enough to feed on.  
2. He setteth you no time neither, but eat as long as you live, yea until his coming again.  
O how abundantly did those hints take upon my heart, and even swallow up my soul in the admiration of that love! the Lord grant it may abide upon my spirit for ever.  
March the 30, the Lord was pleased in some measure to give in an answer to that desire put up March 25. for the pouring out of his spirit upon the brethren through whom the Lord was pleased to appear lively in my apprehension, and in a spiritual manner in him whose spirit seemed to melt under the thoughts of the weight of that exercise.  
March the 30 the Lord was pleased exceedingly to draw out my heart in the behalf of my Mother, whom I apprehended to lie under some sadness in respect of the want of the clear sight of her interest in God, beseeching him that he would be pleased to wean her more from the world, and all things here below, and that he would be pleased to manifest himself to her, and let down the light of his countenance upon her, and show her his face, and not his back, that as he had been pleased to shine upon my poor heart, and the hearts of others of his Saints through prayer, so that he would also be pleased at this time to let this request come up in remembrance before him, and give in a gracious answer to it, as also that he would be pleased to pour out his spirit upon her, and let it be a spirit of grace and supplication, in the sense of the want of which her spirit groaned for before him, as also under the sight of her unprofitableness under all ordinances, beseeching him, that as it was he, and he alone, that causeth his people to profit, so that he would please to give out to this his poor servant a profiting spirit under his administrations to her, which desires were not only put up before the Lord but are the issue out of my heart frequently before the Lord, on her behalf.  
March 31 the Lord was exceedingly pleased to put it upon my heart to seek his face in the behalf of my dear Brother, desiring above all earthly blessings, that the Lord would be pleased to give me him in as a return of prayer, that one so night me might not perish; in which desires he drew out my heart exceedingly, insomuch, then and often since, so that I could willingly pour out my very life for him, that the Lord would but touch his heart in mercy, and that that work we hope the Lord hath begun in him, he would finish, telling the Lord withal that he had said, what ever we ask believing we shall receive, beseeching him to increase my saith, telling him further, that it was my desire to believe, and expect the return of this poor desire in his own time, and how it might make most for his glory, and that, if it were his will, to let me see it: and that seeing he had given me thus much boldness, from the experience of his richness in answering the desires of my poor soul both for myself and others; that he would also please to give in this poor Brother, as a return of prayer, and help me to give him the glory of it, and, truly immediately before this duty, it was much set upon my heart to beg of God to manifest his pleasure to me in this thing, and in drawing out my heart and the heart of others of his people on his behalf.  
March 31. In my morning-sacrifice I had this discovery or experiment hinted upon my spirit, that if it were so good to be in the heart of God's people, as my soul had found by experience it was, being really persuaded that much of the soul-mercies that I enjoy came in through the prayers of some of God's people for me: oh what is it then to be in the heart of God for, truly, had I not been in his heart, the being in their heart would little have advantaged me.  
April the sixteenth, the Lord having been pleased two or three days before, much to disappoint that expectation of my soul, providence casting me among several godly persons, and finding little of God drop from them to my spiritual advantage, as also finding my own heart exceedingly bound up whiles I was in their company, when as I was going home, it so seized upon my spirit, that I thought my very heart was overset, and would have burst within me, all which put my soul, into a holy awe and trembling, for fear lest the Lord should also at this present withdraw from me, which put my soul upon a more earnest and importunate seeking of him to appear to my soul through every ordinance of his, that I might see his face and not his back, urging of him very much with the promise that he had said, that the seed of Jacob should not seek his face in vain; beseeching the Lord that it might be made good to my soul at this time, the next day, if he should please to add this one opportunity more to me: telling him withal that it was true I might, (yea I had sought other things in vain I but) should I seek his face in vain, now, that I come only to seek his face, relying on his promise he had made me, that I should not seek in vain, and therefore I did desire to roll upon it, beseeching him to increase my faith that I might really and indeed expect the performance, and making of it good at this present to my soul: and truly I dare not but (to his praise) acknowledge and desire that the remembrance of it might dwell upon my heart, and the Lord was pleased, in a wonderful manner to manifest himself this day, being the 17 of April, to my soul, through which that whole day both in prayer and preaching, every word in prayer coming as if it had been fetched from the bottom of my heart, and every word in the Sermons, being of such spiritual concernment to me, that I could not but acknowledge the Lord mightily present through his servant Mr. Knight this day.  
And truly this former appearance of God having so rasished my heart, and refreshed my spirit, I was also emboldened to seek the Lord for his appearance April 20. beseeching him that as he had begun his work in abundant measure in mercy, that he would also please to go on and add this one mercy more and trust me with it, and give me a heart to improve it to his glory, that as he had given me this abundant experience of not seeking his face in vain, so that he would strengthen my faith, even at this time also to call upon him, and truly the Lord was pleased also to bow down and appear abundantly to my soul this day also through Mr. Knight.  
April 27. I gave up in a note this day that one desires to praise the Lord, that, amidst all the trials he hath been pleased to excercise her under in this pilgrimage, he hath been pleased to give her some tastes of the rest that is only to be enjoyed in himself, beseeching him so to increase her faith, that she may be enabled to live upon a promise; this was given up to Mr. Knight to spread before the Lord, April 24. 1653. For one whom the Lord hath been pleased, out of his free grace, to set his first love upon, and continually to follow with mercy upon mercy, and to give in one return upon the neck of another, notwithstanding she had often in the rebellion of her heart, said, that God had covered all her prayers with a cloud, and would never answer any of them, which yet he hath abundantly done, which she is not able any way sufficiently to admire, or bless his name for, and therefore desires that those whose hearts the Lord hath more enlarged to this glorious heavenly work, would help to bless and praise that name of God, whom there is none like unto, who continually waiteth that he may be gracious; beseeching him that he would also enable her soul to wait, to bless and praise his name, yea, wait for a heart suited to all these wonderful appearances of his to her soul, that she might be more and more dedicated and given up to him, and him alone in all she hath, is, or shall be enabled to do: this also was given up to Mr. Knight.  
April 26. apprehending that one propounded to the Church intended to address himself to the Church for admission, being before, much dissatisfied concerning him, yet finding much inclination in the spirits of others to him, I was exceedingly troubled about it, and besought the Lord to direct me what to do in it, beseeching him also to appear among us, and give in his spirit, that it might be to us a spirit of discerning, that he would be pleased to enable him to make out yet more clearly, that work that he had wrought in his soul, if indeed there were any, or else give us such a discerning spirit, as might teach us what to do in it, that, if it were his will, there might no soul come in among us that might any way darken his glory, but that those that were received might be such as himself by his spirit, should receive, nor none be detained but such as himself should, by his spirit, through his poor servants detain; as also begging of the Lord, and that with much earnestness, that if there were no real work of his upon his heart, that he would be pleased to find out some way or other in his wisdom to keep him off.  
April 24. 1653. was the Lord pleased graciously to convince me yet further of my sinful passion and aptness to be angry, either without a cause, or upon a light ground, and so to dishonour the Lord; which conviction was set home from Mr. Knight's expression of Mat. 5. 22. I say, if you be angry with your Brother without a cause, you shall be in danger of judgement; and whosoever says to his Brother Racha, (which word expressed their contemning of their Brethren; that is, to have contemptible thoughts of them,) this is a greater evil, for this is in danger of the Council: but whosoever shall say, thou fool, (that is, one that hath no understanding, but is even as a beast) this is in Christ's judgement an heinous sin, for (saith he,) he shall be in danger of hell fire.  
From all which the Lord was pleased to set it home upon my heart, that I had been exceeding guilty, (even to this day) in a great measure, of those evils, which conviction I desire may abide upon my heart to make me (through the strength of Christ) more watchful over my own heart in this respect, than ever I have been.  
There is one conviction more this day set upon my heart, from these words; if thou remember thy Brother hath aught against thee: (he doth not say, if thou hast aught against him, but if he hath aught against thee) do thou seek reconciliation, yea, leave not till it be wrought out; from which the Lord not only convinced me of this my duty, and told me I should not suffer any prejudice to lie in my heart against any, but also much comforted my heart under the sight of this, as that which (through grace) I found the Lord had really wrought in my heart, and enabled me daily to practise.  
The same day the Lord was pleased, in the ministry of his word, to convince my soul, that it is not the performance of duties at set times, this is not all required, but when the soul is indeed pained under the sense of its want of inlargedness to Christ, and the like, (that it cries out as the infant after the breast) & is not satisfied with any thing without it, but the soul panteth within itself, and wanteth some manifestation of Christ, and this putteth upon duty: from which the Lord was pleased to convince my soul, that I had been sadly guilty of the misperformance of duty in this respect many times.  
Which put my soul upon a search into itself, whether I were not guilty in this respect, after which I found I had been often guilty of the misperformance of duties, doing them many times, especially heretofore, without this strong panting, and sense of my want.  
April 27. Oh my soul! art thou not able to say, through grace, before the Lord the searcher of hearts, that there was hardly that word came out of thy mouth, or that action done by thee in any place or company, that passeth by thee without a reveiw, judging and condemning thyself for them.  
The beginning of May, though I can find little fruit or growth in my soul, the sight and sense of the works of God upon my soul, are, as it were, drawn over with a cloud, yet, even then, oh my soul hath not the Lord much refreshed thee, by enabling thee (in some measure) to roll upon that gracious word which hath been at seasonable times brought to thy view, that in Hos. 4. 8. I am as a green firr-tree, in me is thy fruit found: now this tree is always green.  
Doth not the Lord sometimes disappoint the expectation, (oh my soul!) even of the sensible enjoyment of his own presence in a duty, or ordinance, or society, that he might the more sweeten it to thee when he is pleased to appear, and the more to draw thee out to seek his appearance, and to cry mightily after him?  
O my soul why shouldest thou say thou canst not find love to God, when thou dost so frequently, and restlessly, desire the presence and appearance of God, in every ordinance and duty! if it be not for his own sake, why doth not my soul sit down and rest contented with the ordinances themselves?  
Two papers were given to Mr. Knight, to present before the Lord at a private fast at Fulham Chapel in the behalf of the nation, May 4, 1653.  
1 One who continually groans before the Lord under the sense of the body of death, and the continual issuing of it out in the whole course of their conversation, to the dishonour of that God that deserveth for ever, even by their souls, to be admired and praised, being a God that delighteth in mercy, and in the manifestation of it to their poor souls, notwithstanding all their rebellions against him; the desire therefore of their souls is that you (who love and feat the Lord, would improve your interest in him in their behalf, that the Lord would once be pleased to give them more power over all their corruptions, that however he sees meet to deal with their bodies, though he wounds, yet it is he that heals; though he lays sickness, weakness, distempers, whatever he please upon them, that yet he would please to give them more strength in their inward man, to subdue and mortify their corruptions, and resist all the fiery darts of Satan, enabling them to walk with an holy awe, and fear of his blessed self, in the whole course of their conversations, in all their relations, and under the dispensations of God to them, that so, if the Lord please, they might never prove by their uneven conversations any blot or blemish to the glorious Gospel of God, and their Saviour Jesus Christ; the thoughts whereof was (if their hearts deceive them not) more bitter than death.  
2 One who earnestly desires that those who fear the Lord would wrestle mightily with him, in the behalf of some poor, dead, dark, soul, who is nearly related to them, that the Lord would once be pleased to speak so effectually to their hearts, that they might be caused to stand up on their feet, and Jesus Christ might give them life; that, seeing he hath said, the dead shall hear the voice of the Son of God, and hearing live, that this blessed word might be made good to their souls, that so they might have cause to praise him, even to all eternity for this unspeakable mercy.  
This latter was written in the behalf of one in near relation; afterwards it was exceedingly set upon my heart, not to do it only in his behalf, but also in the behalf of other poor dark souls in relation to me.  
May the 4. Oh my soul! must thou not needs acknowledge the Lord a God hearing the very groans of thy soul, before they were effectually put up? putting in, at the very time, a seasonable word into the mouths of his servants, suiting to thy troubles, and fears, supporting thy spirit under them abundantly?  
And did not the Lord, (that same day May 4.) by a letter, that, (as soon as I came home,) came to my hands, gave my soul great hopes of a begun work upon that poor soul, which came, (as it were,) as a fresh return of prayer, this very person being in my heart in these desires that were then put up?  
May 21. the Lord was pleased, one Evening, very much to draw out my heart to beg his appearance to my soul in every ordinance in a more full and lively manner then formerly, and next day (being the first day of the week) truly, the Lord was pleased very much to appear, in the morning, to refresh and cheer my heart, and so also in the ordinance of the supper; for which bless the Lord, O my soul.  
The fourth of the fourth month; In the Evening I found my heart very dead, and dull to any spiritual service, yet the Lord was pleased to draw it out in this request to him, begging a special presence of his the next day, both in prayer and preaching, and the ordinance of the supper, begging the Lord to appear through his servant that was to administer in his name, that there might be such a lively presence and appearance of God through him, as might be a token of good to my soul.  
And truly the Lord was pleased the next day in a lively manner to appear, not only suiting his appearance to that dead dull frame my wretched heart was in to him, but doing abundantly above even my expectation, in some sense riding triumphantly and gloriously in the chariot of his word.  
The 13 of this fourth month, in the Evening, the Lord drew out my heart very much, amongst other things, to plead with him to discover to me what the desires, the hungrings and the thirstings of my soul were indeed, after telling him withal, that (as fare as I knew my own heart,) it was not after the world, the profits, pleasures, or any thing in it, beseeching him to search and try me, and if I were deceived in this, to discover it to me, and to be so fare from satisfying any thirst of my soul after any thing besides himself, as to blast it, and to make me sensible of it, and humble before him for it, but telling him withal, that he had promised that he that hungers and thirsts after righteousness, they shall be satisfied and filled, and truly if (I know any thing of my own heart) this is it my soul waiteth for, and brayeth after, to be made more like him, more conformable to him, to have the spirit of a child put upon me, whereby I might be more like unto him, and more dedicated and given up in all my ways to him: but that, if it were not thus with me, but that I were deceived in it, I did then beg, above all things in the world, that the Lord would discover it unto me.  
The 25 of this fourth month, my spirit wasdrawn out to beg the Lords appearance the next day, and suiting my heart to it, (which I found in a very dead & dull frame) beseeching the Lord that his appearance might not answer that wretched frame my heart was then in, but that my heart might be put in frame to meet with him.  
As also, that the Lord would be pleased to provide a portion for every poor soul that desires to see his face, and to seek his presence, that they might find some word suitable to their condition; and how richly and abundantly did the Lord answer each of those desires, both in behalf of my own soul, and also on the behalf of others? how gloriously did the Lord appear and ride triumphantly in the Chariot of his word? this day in the morning, presenting very glorious useful truths, seasonable to my poor soul, which the Lord enable me to practise and make use of, enabling me to improve the promises to this great work of cleaning from corruption.  
Yea, the Lord was pleased, in a further way, to answer my desires for others, putting in a very seasonable word of his to my Cousin Jefferson, concerning freewill, who was much in my thoughts in my former requests, showing how the promises were made in respect of our own weakness and nothingness; for had the creature any power, God need not promise to do all.  
The Lord having thus appeared this morning, there arose in my heart a question at noon, whether I should not publicly by Mr. Knight offer up praises to the Lord for this appearance of his, but through many fears that arose upon my spirit lest it might be misconstrued, as if I did desire to appear to be somebody, with the like temptation was kept off, yet (notwithstanding some trouble to my spirit, for I was greatly desirous to have blessed the Lord publicly for it,) yet how did the Lord appear in answer to this secret desire of mine! For Mr. Knight himself, upon his own account, did largely bless the Lord for his appearance in the midst of the day, and so throughout, with which my heart did really close, and so did our Sister Arnal, as she said afterward, as well as myself, greatly rejoicing that the Lord drew out his heart in that wherein her heart and mind also did so abundantly join.  
Our Brethrens having made some entrance into the private conference, and somewhat of God appearing from several of them, my heart was much drawn out to propound some questions to them, having two or three things upon my spirit, wherein I was much unsatisfied, and having resolved upon the thing in general, there arose a great dispute in my spirit, which question to propound first, (for they all left much weight upon my spirit) and amongst others, I had a very strong desire to propound this, what means might be best available for the subduing of pride; and strong debate had I in my spirit, before I could pass this over, yet, at the last my spirit was overcome to propound another, which proved very suitable to many other spirits, in which I saw some hand of God.  
Yet did my heart earnestly long after some resolutions concerning that of pride, but how gloriouly did the Lord a while after (the 26 of this fourth month) appear in answer to it? showing me, that there is no way like to the taking of the advantage of the ordinances, which the Lord enable me to do.  
About the end of this fourth month, observing Mr. Knight somewhat astonished at the passages of providence in the government, upon which, for some time, he was very weak in praying for it, and seeking the Lord for them in place, which was a great trouble to my spirit, whereupon I made a draught of a letter to send to him, wherein I presented him with my scattered thoughts, desiring him to take a view of what he delivered to us the last thanksgiving day, from that, Isai. 65. 24. before they call I will answer, showing, that God was so quick in his work in these latter days, that he often left his own behind, with some other such hints, which letter I did not send, fearing to press too fare upon my own ability in that kind.  
But how abundantly did the Lord answer those desires which were only upon my heart, but not presented at all save only before the Lord? who was pleased to draw out his heart to mention them before him, and afterwards upon the 10 of the 6 month, (upon the occasion of a day kept to seek the Lord for them) the Lord was pleased again to cast in thoughts upon the same Scripture in Isai. 65. 24. before they call I will answer, which was a real answer of my poor desires, wherein the Lord shown me, that the desires I had were yet upon his heart, (for which bless the Lord O my soul) who, though thou didst not press them, (those desires being hindered by some thoughts arising in my own mind,) yet was pleased to give me to see the desired issue which thou didst aim at.  
There was the 10 of the 6 month, at a private day of humiliation (we kept with respect to the public affairs of the nation & ourselves) four papers of desires put up to the Lord to Mr. Knight, these two first the Lord hath begun graciously to answer the tenth of this sixth month: The first was this one, (to whom the Lord hath discovered from his word, what great advantages there are held out in it, to the cleansing of the soul, and perfecting of holiness in them, but the party not being able to discern them to be made real advantages to their souls, although (if their heart deceive them not) it is the great desire and expectation of their souls to perfect holiness, and the want of the sight of it their continued burden, which maketh them even cry out for deliverance, and for the accomplishment of the time wherein they shall dishonour God no more, but shall be made like unto him,) desires your remembrance before the Lord to those ends, that seeing his will is in those things, and that the promise is so full concerning the accomplishment of it, that he would please to discover to their souls why it is that the work goes so heavily on, and what shall be discovered to be the let, it may also by him be removed whatever it be, though in things never so near and dear, and their hearts supported and born up, and made submissively-willing to lie down at his feet, to be made to do, to bear, to suffer, to forsake any thing for his glory.  
But how graciously did the Lord (this same day being the tenth day of this sixth month) begin to answer one main thing in this request, discovering to my soul, that haply, one main end why he did not perfect this work of holiness in me, but suffer corruption still to work, might be, that I might yet cry out more mightily to him; haply, I have not been so importunate in my desires after sanctification as after remission and pardon, and the sight of sin; and that the Lord would have me yet to cry more mightily and wrestle it out with him, and resolve to give him no rest, yet not that I should content myself in pouring out those desires to him, and so rest there, (as was also hinted to me the same day) but to be watchful over my heart and conscience, watching and praying, calling and crying, until the Lord appears, and not to think it enough to spread these desires before, the Lord, and then give way to sin, and temptation, and corruption, and (as was the next day the eleventh of this 6 month 1653. hinted to me) what was God's end in discovering the power and strength of sin, but that we come more near to him, and by faith roll upon his covenant and promise for strength against it? and, on the other side, what is Satan's end in setting home sin with the aggravations of it but to make us sit down in discouragement? now, (O my soul) is it better for thee to accomplish God's end, or Satan's end? oh therefore close in with God, & beg power and strength of him to do it.  
Nay, in farther answer, the Lord was pleased to enable me to expostulate with that unbelief, and first of my own heart, this eleventh day, saying, O my soul, is it not thy duty to believe; for is it not said, blessed are they that believe? though thou see not lust and corruption subdued by the eye of sense, yet, O my soul, roll upon the Covenant and promise by faith, for faith is the substance of things not seen, and the evidence of things hoped for; therefore when thou come to be fully rid of this body of death, than faith shall cease, and be of no use; but now is the time to act faith, when thou canst, by the eye of sense see nothing, but thyself to be compassed in with a body of death and corruption.  
And for the want of the sight of holiness perfected in the fear of God, the Lord doth not only discover that his will lies in this work, that it is his will even our sanctification, and that we may well remember him with it, and pray as he teacheth us, that his will may be done, so it shall certainly be, but did the Lord discover to my soul (the eleventh of this month) that this also was part of the prayer of Christ, sanctify them through thy truth, Joh. 17. and he saith in Joh. 11. speaking at Lasazrus his grave; I thank thee, O Father, that thou hast heard me always, but I speak it for their sakes, that they might believe; now, (O my soul) if this be Christ's prayer, and that as he saith, Joh. 17. not for the disciples only, but all that should after believe, and if God heareth him in what ever he asketh, as (he saith) he doth; then, O my soul, up and believe, for this work shall certainly go on.  
The truth is, the Lord did herein not only answer to this, but to the other request also that was this day presented, so that the Lord did answer them both, even as I did at once present them both, (blessed for ever be his name)  
Which gracious answer caused my soul the next day to present this short desire also to Mr. Knight, to be put up to God in way of thanks, saying, one, whom the Lord hath been pleased (through rich grace and mercy) to hear, and answer since our last meeting, desires to magnify the name of our prayer-hearing God, a God that delighteth in mercy, and in the manifestation of it to his poor worthless Creature, beseeching him further to increase my faith, and help me to act it lively at this present in a plentiful feeding upon the Lord Jesus, that so my soul may find abundant strength, healing and cleansing to issue from him in whom all my hope and help lieth.  
The same tenth of this sixth month, the second paper that I put up this day was in relation to our communion, which I thus expressed; One of this despised handful desires, that the Lord would be pleased to humble our souls before him, that we have been guilty before him of rashness, and inconsiderateness, together with want of love and tenderness to each other, which the Lord make every soul of us deeply sensible of, and help us to abound more to his praise in every good word and work, that we might never by any of our weaknesses and miscarriages be any occasion to darken his glory to the world.  
In answer to which, the Lord was pleased in some measure, to draw out the heart of Mr. K. to confess this iniquity before the Lord with it, a sense of and to mourn for one, who came in at the first, without due trial, (which I hope, not without some ground, the Lord hath set it home upon many if not all our spirits, with adeepsense of our miscarrage in it.)  
The tenth of the sixth month, were the papers put up also to present to the Lord by Mr. Knight at a day of fast, thus; One desires your earnest prayers before the Lord, and to spread the sad condition of one in near relation to her, that conceiveth himself in a happy condition, when there are grounds enough to fear the contrary, she desires you together with her to beseech the Lord to discover it to him, that so he may have no rest in his soul, till he be brought home, and built upon the Lord Jesus Christ, that only foundation.  
The same tenth of this sixth Month 1653. one who was compassed with such a body of death and corruption, (under which the party sadly mourns) polluting all that ever she puts her hand unto, therefore she desires your earnest prayers to the Lord, that he would come and dwell in her soul, and be as a refiners fire and as fuller Soap to cleanse her, and to burn up whatsoever is contrary to himself, or any way darkens his glory.  
The 13 of the sixth month, The Lord drew out my heart exceedingly to beg an increase of faith, even beyond sight & sense, that though I could not see corruption dead, yet that I might believe that it should be so in God's time; as also to beg for our sister Harris her Mother, and that the Lord would please to cure her of the fear of death, who had been subject to this bondage, and help her to commit her soul to him, as a faithful creator, and an everlasting loving tenderhearted Father.  
The fifteenth day of the sixth month; was discovered to me, that I had often thought, that if I had but assurance of the love of God, than nothing could trouble me, but I should be swallowed up with joy, and even overcome with it: but (Oh my soul) hath it been thus with thee since the Lord appeared abundantly in way of refreshment to thee? or rather quite contrary, since thou hast been set free from from the fear of hell and wrath, oh how sad to think that ever thou shouldest live to rebel against such a God, a Father of so much mercy.  
About the end of the seventh month, the Lord being pleased to lay some light affliction upon my poor body, thereby drawing out my heart after this manner to him: Blessed Lord, what might thy ends be in thy fatherly chastisements? oh that thou wouldst discover it! and rather let this affliction abide, continue, yea be increased, and augmented what thou wilt, rather than that the corruption should not be discovered, and purged out; which requests were still continued: Then was the Lord pleased in some measure, in answer hereunto, to discover those things following to me, which I know not, but that he might much aim at; as might not the Lord have some respect to thy want of pity and compassion to one in misery? Might not the Lord lay his hand upon thee, though not in that kind? nay were he not righteous if he should lay the same stroke? hast not thou deserved it as well as she? might not the Lord do it to call thee home, and quicken thee from thy sloth, deadness, & dulness, and the estrangement of heart that was so fast a growing between thy soul and the Lord? (O blessed father, saith my soul, let my corruptions be wrought out, and thy poor creature quickened.)  
Was not thy heart and affections exceedingly running out from the Lord to the creature? oh blened be that stroke that calls thee back so that this work were but done by it.  
The third day of the eighth month, being much oppressed in spirit with the thoughts of the dishonour that would come to God, and scandal to the Gospel, by the sad falling of one of our brethren, and the fear that is upon my heart touching him:  
The Lord was pleased to draw out my heart this evening, to beg of him to discover to our souls in general, and to my soul in particular, what his ends were in gathering this poor handful together, telling him, I hope, he did not do it to make us the instruments of his dishonour to the world, and withal I was put upon it (I verily believe by the spirit of the Lord) in that same day to reflect back upon my own soul, what my ends were enjoining in that communion, and as I was pressing the Lord to show me why or to what end he had directed me to join in that society, telling him withal, that surely my desires were to attend upon direction in it, and that if any other thing what ever did bias my spirit in the act, that the Lord would please to discover it to me, whereupon I begged of the Lord that he would help me to examine my heart about it, and that if I were biased by any wrong respect, that the Lord would convince me of it, and humble my soul deeply for it, and pardon it in Christ's blood: now (O my soul) deal impartially in this work of examination in this thing, and spread it before him.  
This Letter was given to Master Knight, what to seek the Lord about upon the ninth of this Month 1653.  
Dear Sir,  
SAthan having often beset my soul to endeavour to keep it from a present participating in this holy ordinance, upon several pretences, and having again now attempted it, I durst no longer keep his counsel, but in the imparting of it I crave that help of your prayers at the throne of Grace, that the Lord would be pleased to disappoint him in all his vices, that wherein he seeketh to do me hurt may prove the realest advantage of spiritual good to my soul, yet fearing whether it do indeed come from him or no, causeth some trembling upon my spirit, how to act; if it be a plot of his, it is a fair one, arising after this manner, having often found great appearances of God (as I hope I may say to his praise I have in other of his ordinances,) but finding my heart oftentimes very much shut up, as it were, and given over to deadness, dulness and heaviness of spirit, which was no way suitable to a spiritual heart and soul-quickning ordinance, and finding this very much to prevail, even at this present, desiring your prayers, that the Lord would direct me what to do, by discovering to my soul, whether indeed it doth arise from a subtlety of Satan yea or no, or whether it be a lively alarm from heaven to my soul; thus trembling in myself, whether my forbearance may not be found a yielding to Satan, or whether on the other side, I may not attempt and provoke the Lord by rushing unpreparedly upon his holy things: thus desiring to give up myself into the hands of the Lord, waiting for the breathe of his spirit through the help of your prayers.  
I beseech the Lord alone to guide and lead my soul in all its motions and actions in this present world, until he shall bring it to a full enjoyment of himself in the perfection of holiness, which my soul waiteth and longeth for, where I shall fully enjoy what now my poor soul hath but a transient taste of, which the Lord accomplish in his own time, and make me willing to wait my appointed time, until my change come, that when ever my Lord comes, I may be found watching.  
The 10 of this 8 month (oh my soul) did not the Lord give me a gracious answer and return to this desire and prayer forementioned, even whiles thou wert pouring out thy soul before the Lord, wherein thou didst lament the corruption of thy heart, begging of the Lord, that he would subdue this wicked frame of spirit, this deadness and dulness in his services, and continuing issuing out of corruption; pleading and arguing it out with the Lord, after this manner; that though thou wert unworthy altogether to beg any mercy from him, or this mercy, yet were there not others of his poor servants that were pleading with him for my poor soul? nay was not my Lord Jesus now at his right hand pleading for me, that I might not be pulled out of his hand? For how can the Lord endure wickedness, any lust, or corruption to possess my heart, and take the Sceptre out of his hand, and so to rule and reign over me? nay could my soul bear it to be thus overpowered, and to have my heart thus drawn from Christ, and thus captivated by sin and Satan, when one word of his mouth could set my soul at liberty? beseeching the Lord to search me and to try me, for he knew whether those desires and tears and groans came from my heart yea or no; yea I know thou dost search me and knowest my heart, but Lord discover also to me and if there be any hypocrisy in my spirit in this regard, oh that thou wouldst answer me so by fire to consume that dross and corruption in my soul, yea whatsoever thyrighteous eyeseeth in me that is darkening to thy glory; and withal telling the Lord how like a flood of mighty waters this corruption come in upon me, one wave following another, that I had no power to withstand it, though he had discovered much of himself to my sonl, and of the riches of his grace, and emptiness of all other things, that yet my soul should so run after vanity, beseeching the Lord to give a real turn to all the affections of my soul, and to fix them upon the Lord Jesus Christ, where they shall be sure to be returned.  
This was in the morning of the 10. day, than did the Lord further satisfy and quiet my heart in my Evening sacrifice; that same day his spirit breathed in my soul after this manner: (dear Lord) oh that thou wouldst suppress this spirit of murmuring under thy hand, and if thou wilt have thy poor creature still to wrestle and strive under a body of death and corruption, and temptations and snares, and entanglements, oh that thou wouldst help me in this work, that I may not yield under it, but may hold out in a continual resistance, and sighing, and never give over, or making any peace with sin; and though thou dost not see meet utterly to root out sin, yet (oh Lord) give it its deadly blow, let it be still dying, and withering, and decaying, and work in my soul growing and increasing, even until thou hast fully perfected it.  
About the tenth of this eighth month, this experience was given in to my soul by the Lord, concerning Satan's dealing with my soul, and some refreshments to support my spirit under it.  
(Oh my soul) hath not Satan dealt with thee concerning this great ordinance of the Lords supper, even as he hath formerly done concerning the great duty of prayer? how often hath he suggested to thee, that it is to no end to pray to the Lord, reasoning thus with thee oftentimes, dost thou think there is any such God as thou prayest to, did he ever hear thee, or give thee any token of answer? why then dost thou continually appeal to him and pour out thy soul before him? and hath he not done just thus about this ordinance of the Lords Supper? thou wicked spirit, how often hast thou been proved a liar? what eminent tokens hath God given me of his hearing prayer from time to time, both concerning myself, and others, and therein have proved thee a liar? and why then (oh my soul) shouldst thou not believe that Satan will also prove a liar in this? is not the Lord yesterday, and to day, and for ever? is his arm shortened, or his hand weakened, that he cannot save, and deliver and appear to thee in as glorious a manner as ever? oh then wait for him, and what if thou waitest until thy dissolution? it will be happiness more than thou dost deserve, to be found waiting, yet thou dost not know how soon he may appear to thee.  
About the middle of the eight month 1653 (O my soul) what are thy continued fears? are they not lest any thing should withdraw or steal away thy heart from the Lord? dost not thou daily beg of him rather to crucify all thy earthly desires what ever, than any way to satisfy any of them?  
A Letter to Mr. Knight the sixteenth of the eighth Month 1653. In Answer to the former desire to him the ninth of the same month, to bless the Lord for the Answer.  
Dear Sir,  
Having formerly, in the time of my sadness, desired your remembrance before the Lord, who hath appeared in prayer both public and private, as also many other ways, thereby staying my poor spirit to wait upon him, even for the full accomplishment of his own promise, who hath said, sin shall not have dominion over his, that are not under the law but under grace; as also that he would tread down Satan under his people's feet shortly, which my soul desires to wait upon him for, and in the mean time, desires to bless his name; and that you would bless him together with me, that he was pleased to open any fountains of love and mercy in this vale of tears, so abundantly fulfilling to my poor soul that word of his, which he was pleased no sooner to set upon my heart with a persuasion, in some measure, that it should be made good, rolling though weakly upon him for it, but that he was pleased so to do indeed, that word I found, Isai. 56. 19 When the enemies shall come in like a flood, the spirit of the Lord shall set up a standard against them, for which I desire to bless his name, beseeching him that those impressions that he was pleased by his spirit through several words of his, to make upon my heart, might never be forgotten by me, but that they might continually be as supports to my poor weak faith, that it may grow from strength to strength, even till I shall meet my God; blessed for ever be that God that was pleased to know my poor soul in this hour of temptation, and to take this poor lame soul, and lead, and carry it of being not able to go one step in any of his ways without his hand, but that it getteth one knock or bruise or other; yea, blessed for ever be that God and Saviour, that will not suffer his poor creature to slip as he doth others, but was pleased, in rich mercy, to be ever awakening my poor drowsy spirit by one affliction or another; the thoughts of which do much refresh my spirit, and seemeth at present a special token of his love, for which I desire to bless him; and, oh that I could praise the name of that God and Father, who is the Father of all mercy and God of all consolation; for truly I must needs say, I am persuaded, Satan had not now been let lose to buffet me thus, had I not been so sleepy and drowsy in spirit; but blessed be that rod that awakened my poor soul from the sleep of any sin, so that the Lord will but please to work it out, (which I desire to wait on God for.)  
I should (for some respect) have forborn this duty of praise, but that the Lord hath let in the clear sight of this mercy; as also lest I should prove ungrateful for so large manifestation of mercy, though all I can do in it is a mere nothing, the greater is the goodness of God that bows down to accept such broken praises, which I have cause even to lament over, having too little spiritual life in them, when as in truth, my whole soul and body should be a holy and lively sacrifice to God, which the Lord enable me to do to that God, whence all my enjoyments come, in whom I desire to rest your unworthy, but in desire and hope real friend, for my Lord's sake.  
FINIS.   

THE SECOND BOOK OF Manifold Experiments: Of Gods dealing with my Soul in hearing Prayers, and other gracious incomes of Love.  

THe Lord was pleased to help me very much in this search by Mr. Knight, who spoke from this Scripture at Fulham, the ninth of this ninth Month.  
In the 12 of Luke, 42, 43. from which he shown, We have the Lord setting out the blessedness of that servant that is faithful in the work that his Lord intrusteth him about; and whom his Lord when he comes findeth to be so doing as he appointed.  
Now (O my soul) what comfortable hopes canst thou gather out from the serious examination of thy own heart, upon this point, that the Lord hath made thee faithful though thou art poor, weak, and unworthy every way to be the servant of such a Lord: what canst thou say to this? hath the Lord indeed made thee faithful?  
Ans. 1. I gather some hopes of it, that the Lord hath made me in some measure faithful, from that sincerity that the Lord hath put into my heart to aim purely at his glory in all I do in this world: the contrary to which causeth much bitterness in my spirit; yet through the prevalency of the unregenerate part in me, I am, many times, biased and carried aside to aim at other things, in many of my ways; but the glory of my Lord is my principal aim. For (if I know any thing of my own heart) through mercy, I do find it set to seek the honour of Christ, and to walk in ways well pleasing to him, though I do too often sadly wander from these intents and desires, which was discovered to be the real burden of my life.  
2. In that the Lord hath been pleased to put into my soul (I hope) a real desire te do his whole will, and therein to appear faithful, daily desiring and begging of him, that I might not at any time in any command of his be found consulting with flesh and blood, but that as soon as ever he discovereth his wills in any thing whatever to me, that he would also enable me to obey it readily.  
Finding the Spirit of the Lord (I hope) oftentimes breathing in my soul, after this manner: Lord, if thou wilt but discover thy mind & will to me in all my ways; that is it I beg of thee, and though it be never so contrary to flesh and blood; yea, though I can see nothing, but that it is laid out for to afflict me, and to be a trial, and exercise for me; and so have nothing to induce me but thy will: yet, Lord, if thou wilt but discover thy mind in it to me, what would I then beg of thee, but only a ready frame to yield obedience to thy will, and leave the success & sanctifying of it to me, to thyself: and if on the other side I think any mercy to be never so good, or for my advantage, yet if thou seest meet to discover to my soul that thy will is not in it, would I not then (if I know my own heart) beg above all things, to have my will to be wholly swallowed up into thine, Lord? And this hope is grounded (in some measure upon the abundant experience the Lord hath given me of his goodness and mercy, and abundant kindness in his often denying me of my will.  
3 I hope the Lord hath (in some measure) made me a faithful Servant in that he hath set my soul upon the watch, to know his mind and will, endeavouring and desiring to keep my eye upon him, and him only, that I might see what his mind and will is, who hath said, that he will guide his by his eye: which causeth my soul (though with much weakness) not only earnestly to desire, but also to endeavour to reflect upon all my motions and actions, and thoughts, and words in this world, to see with what countenance, my Lord looketh upon this and the other action, being (I hope) desirous, I am sure (if my heart deceive me not) to see the will of my God, in every promise, providence, and administration.  
4 The Lord hath made me faithful, in that he hath put into my soul this earnest desire, that my ends in all I do might only be to seek the advancement of him, my Lord, whom I desire only to serve, daily begging of him I might no more live to myself, as I have too much, and have too long done yea, when I find any thing of myself or self-ends to appear or break forth, though but in the buds, is it not bitter to my soul? and such as imbitters the best action to me; though, otherwise never so good? And this desire of serving the Lord, I may upon experience say, I find to differ not only from that slavish fear that is in others, (I will not say so) though I suppose it to be true also, but from that slavish fear that did too much predominate in my own poor soul, which did, in the time of my bondage, cause me to fear rather than love him; but now the Lord hath (in some measure) been screwing up my obedience to an higher note or pin, that it is now to a Lord and Father, whom at last, I would love. And I do also lament before him, in the sincerity of my soul, that I can love him no more, who have so much loveliness in him, yea nothing but loveliness: yea, it is a service of a Lord who wills all, and maketh the law, and maketh it to be just; because he can do no evil: and I would I could continually meditate upon this his will, but this is it I daily press after, and mourn under the want of the clear sight of this, that there should be so much fear in my heart concerning the issue or event of any thing, wherein my Lord shall be pleased at any time to declare his will to lie in.  
Further discoveries of Faithfulness.  
1. Faithfulness appears in the reality of the heart, serving the Lord with all the heart, soul, and strength; and so faithfulness in prayer lieth not in the pouring out of words, though with some affection, but doing it with all the heart, soul, and strength, and a full exercise of every grace to the utmost in every service I do for Christ. And (O my soul) is not this that thou daily pressest after, though thou canst not fully attain unto it? what else maketh thee to mourn over thy prayers and duties, but that thou findest no more of thy heart and strength in them? Is not thy constant desire, that all thy soul and strength might be offered up to God in every service thou dost him?  
2. They are faithful servants of Christ, that do all they do in order to a trust from Christ, who intrusteth them with his Ordinances, with their health, wealth, comforts, enjoyments, all I have is but a trust from Christ; now to be faithful is to improve this trust to God, to do all the good that possible I can by his Ordinances, to do every service to him, as they that indeed exercise a point of trust, he intrusting me with his glory in this world: faithfulness is to make the utmost advantage to raise up his glory in this world & make him appear great; And so faithfulness in improving all the graces that God and Christ intrusteth me with, by improving of them, to make the utmost advantage for him; and so for health, and all outward comforts.  
Now (O my soul) hath not the Lord written this in thy very heart? that all that ever thou hast, and enjoyest, both spiritual and temporal, whether ordinances, graces, comforts, all thy enjoyments that thou hast by trust from Christ, and must be improved for him, and not spent upon thyself, or this world? and doth not the thoughts of this make thee daily mourn before the Lord, that thou canst not improve them better, that he hath so little revenue of glory from thee, and by thee? but that so much of his stock lies as it were dead, and unimproved, doth not the sight of this cause thee to mourn daily before him, that he should intrust thee with so much, and receive from thee so little?  
Now (O my soul) doth not the thoughts of this make thee cry daily out to the Lord, beseeching him to reveal his mind & will to thee, how he would have thee improve this or that other mercy or trust committed to thee; and not only teach thee his will in it, but also help thee to improve it to his glory continually?  
Yea (O my soul) is there not a continued fear upon thy heart, which causeth thee often times to pour out strong cries before the Lord, that he would help thee to give him the glory of all the mercy and good things he betrusteth thee with at any time; as also that there might never be found in thee any backwardness or unwillingness to give up thy trust in any thing whatever into his own hands, when ever he sees meet to call for it? which seemeth to note a further degree of faithfulness.  
Further discoveries of Faithfulness at the same time.  
1 Faithfulness appears in the generality of it, when a man is faithful in all that he hath, though all that he hath be but a little; and truly herein I have great cause to lament before the Lord; for in the stead of being faithful in all that I have, there is much unfaithfulness in me, that appears in all that the Lord trusteth me with, and yet (O my soul) mayest thou not also say, that there is some degree of this faithfulness, or at least a desire after it in thee; and mayest thou not say, By this law of thy Lord, as Paul doth of the Law of God in general; With my mind I even myself serve this Law of God in faithfulness, though in my flesh I do too often rebel against it? which is my daily burden, from which evil in thy own time, deliver me, oh my God, and this I desire to wait for.  
2. Faithfulness appears in being faithful, notwithstanding all difficulties that accompany them in their services. Now (O my soul) hast thou not abundantly cause to give glory to God that hath been pleased to make thee thus faithful in any degree, or measure in this respect, who by his own hand & power hath carried thee through many a reproach, and scoff, and scorn, and by words making thee like Isaac, who was still persecuted by Ishmael; and hath not this been thy Lot by some, ever reproaching thee, scoffing, deriding thee, backbiting, speaking evil abundantly of thee, and yet falsely, doing their utmost to bring thee out of favour with those whose love thou highly prisest, and have reason for it? And how did the Lord make thee to lie down under this, when others taxed thee of hypocrisy, and the like to search thy own heart, and bemoan before the Lord the degrees of it, which thou sawest through mercy by others (though not visibly to them)? Thus did the Lord bring a good issue out of their own speeches and words, causing thee to lie down at his foot, expecting the punishment of thine iniquity. Yea, greater difficulty than these hath the Lord carried thee through when all the powers of Hell and thy own Corruptions have combined together to keep thee from duties of Prayer, Meditation and Examination, and the like; and yet the Lord hath enabled thee to break through all, and to pour out thy soul to him when thou wert even in thy own apprehensions at the Pits brink, and yet resolved to cry to him, and not to give over crying, and calling whilst thou livest, notwithstanding all temptations to the contrary; yea, the more strong the temptations were, the more speedily wert thou fain to address to the Lord for his strength and power to assist thee in grappling with them; yea, when some times overcame as it were, and beaten down by Satan, and entering the very borders of despair; yet even thence from this belly of hell in which thou didst apprehend thyself already entered; did not the Lord enable thee to cry to him, & resolve to give him no rest? Yea, when thou foundest no advantage or profit of all thy Prayers, and Tears, & Sighs, & Croans, but that the Lord seemed to turn a deaf ear; yet did not the Lord enable thee to go on, and to tell him that all those comforts and enjoyment here below they were poor mean things, such as thou couldst not take for thy portion? and therefore didst beg with submission to his will, That if he had no other for thee but the portion of this life, that he would please to deny thee them also, and never give them to be a snare, but rather let thee end thy days in some desolate Wilderness?  
3. Faithfulness appears in cheerful service: Now (O my soul) art thou not able to say before the Lord the searcher of hearts, through his grace, that so much faithfulness as thou canst discern in thee in any service of thy Lord, is thy very joy and rejoicing of thy heart; but on the other side, so much unfaithfulness as thou canst discern in any service; this is it that maketh thee go mourning all thy days, because thou art no more fruitful.  
4. (O my soul) thy faithfulness in some measure appears, in that thou art rejoiced really in spirit when any opportunity is put into thy hand, and thy heart being enabled in any measure to improve it to the service, and for the glory of thy Lord; and art thou not (on the contrary) grieved that thou hast so many opportunities offered before thee, but (like a fool) hast not a heart to improve them for the glory of thy Lord; is not this thy daily burden? Lord thou knowest it is; & when, through the subtlety of Satan, and deceit of my own heart, I fool away many rich opportunities by not improving of them, which after proved a sad burden and affliction to me.  
5. O my soul, doth there not appear some degree of faithfulness to thy Lord, in that thy endeavours do come still beneath thy desires; hath not the Lord really enabled thee through grace to say with Paul The good that I would do, I do not: But, O that I could do it, that I could serve the Lord more and better; but, oh! how low do I live? and how poorly do I walk? but oh that I could come to Prayer, and read, and hear, and meditate, and do all private and public duties, and walk in all my Relations in this world, as might honour this my Lord; are not these the continual groans and breathe of my heart before the Lord? (Lord thou knowest it) for I have none I desire to appeal unto, but to thee the searcher of my heart.  
6. Lord, doth not some faithfulness appear to be wrought in my soul by thee, in that thou hast above all things made me to delight in that work that no eye sees but thyself? Thou knowest what a fear hath been upon my spirit, and is to this day in a great measure to appear before others; thou Lord knowest how many years this fear hath been as a prison to keep in the workings of my heart; & as doors to my mouth, to kept it from lamenting itself, not so much as in one word in the hearing of others, lest there should any pride or hypocrisy act in it; yea to this very day, how many services wherein perhaps thy Lord might be honoured; art thou prevented, and durst not to act in upon this very account that it cannot be done in private; canst thou not say before the searcher of hearts, That such thoughts and apprehensions, and fears as these, lest others should esteem thee better than thou art, or thy own spirit be lifted up before the Lord, or any false ends bias thee in it? That such thoughts I say as thief do often as it were tie up thy tongue, sow up thy mouth in all companies, even whiles at that instant thy heart is even ready to split or break in pieces for want of vent; sometimes apprehending that those discoveries that the Lord was pleased sometimes to make to thee, and the rich grace he is pleased to manifest in thee, in overcoming all the unkindness in thee, ought not to be put unnder a bushel, but held out to others; and yet not daring to do it, finding my wretched heart so prone to be lifted up upon all such occasions, and so dishonour God that way; and so deceive others and myself also: And through both these fears my soul often walks sadly before the Lord, fearing to offend him, and not being able to discern it whether way I might most honour him, having made trial of both, sometimes silent, and sometimes spoke; and finding the wickedness of my heart appear sadly in both, I knew not sometimes which was best; the Lord in mercy manifest and clear up to me.  
(O my soul) Thus may it probably and hopefully appear to thee that the Lord hath made thee in some measure his faithful servant.  
1. The Lord hath given me some hopes that (I trust) I have no other Master that I willingly call Rabbi, or willingly serve, but my Lord Jesus; nor have I any other work that I do, upon which my heart is delightfully set upon, but only my Lords work; and this appears farther to me, in that the Lord hath (I hope in some measure) wrought my heart to this frame of spirit, to desire above all things to serve my Lord Christ in all the Relations he hath set me in, in this world; and to that end every failing in any of them, either as a child or friend, or any Relation (though I too sadly fail in them all) this is that (which if my heart deceive me not) above all things breaketh my heart to think that hereby I do dishonour my Lord Jesus, and that profession of being his servant: It is not so much that I offend any Relation, as that I grieve the spirit of God in all my actions, and in all my Relations in this world; I hope that my soul is in the first place set to serve my Lord in the duties to them, as that which he requires, and my be for his honour if done rightly; and though I do often transgress the commands of my Lord Jesus, yet I trust I do not make it my work, but it my daily burden.  
2. My desires and daily groans before the Lord are, that I might be wholly devoted and given up to Jesus in my whole inward and outward man; and I would that all my poor parts, and strength, and time, yea all my inward and outward Talents should be improved in his service wholly; how often doth my soul breath before the Lord after this manner! (Oh Father) is it not long enough, yea too too long that I have been too too much at Satan's beck and the worlds, yea and mine own? Oh that it might be thus no longer, and that I might no longer live to myself, or seek or please myself in any thing, but that my whole soul may be set to please my Lord Jesus; is it not my daily burden that I have too too much sought and served myself, both in natural and spiritual things, that I have had too many self-ends and designs (which the Lord crucify, fully for my Lord's sake!) and as for the service of the world (if I know any thing of mine own heart) it is my daily desire, prayer and endeavour, to throw the world wholly out of my heart, That I might not do any service any longer to sin, or Satan; and if at any time they do get any little from me, how grudgingly and repiningly is it done? yea, is it not the grief of my soul, that I have had any expectation or desires after any thing in the world, or of this world; that my eye is not wholly and really upon Jesus Christ for expectation, provision, and all what I need?  
3ly. Though I have a wretched heart that hath, and still would be picking its work, thinking that other servants of Christ they have an easier work, and go through this world filled filled with the joy of the Holy Ghost; yea, and have their cups of earthly blessings overflowing; and hereupon my wicked heart hath been carried disorderly to long after and wish for such a condition; and think, that I had a hard portion, to be always afflicted with inward and outward distempers and weaknesses, trials in bodily afflictions of most sorts and inward weaknesses, infirmities, temptations of divers kinds, and in high degrees, suffered my name, especially for my desire to walk in the ways and services of my Lord; which my wicked heart thought very hard, and to this day is too ready sometimes to murmur, though (through the goodness of my God) it hath not the power or strength that it hath had, yet the very rising of it causeth my soul still to beg strength against it, and a thorough victory over it, begging daily a submissive frame of spirit to the will of my Lord in all things, desiring no more to pick and choose my condition, and work, but begging the Lord to choose for me, who knoweth what is best for me, and if he seethe meet that I should serve him in the fire of affliction, inward or outward, that he would but subject my heart to his will, & sanctify that condition to me, and do with me what he please.  
7ly. Doth there not appear some degree of faithfulness in thee, in that thou lovest most, whom thou esteemest to do most for Christ, and daily mournest that others do no more for him then thou dost? is it not a continual burden to thee, that thou canst do no more for Christ, and art employed no more by him? Mayest thou not say safely (before the Lord, who knoweth the truth of it) that thy heart is not taken with any creature in this world, what ever it be? and if upon any, yet upon no other account whatever, but only as they are servants to thy Lord, and what ever their other adjournings were, whether beauty or parts, or riches and honour, or whatever, none of all these did (to thy remembrance) advance any creature in the esteem of thy soul.  
8ly. wouldst thou not gladly (O my soul) be putting on others, yea and bless the Lord, if he would please to enable thee to this work, that seeing thou canst do so little for him thyself, that he would enable thee to spur on others to do more for him then thou canst; and is it not thy burden, that through one temptation or other, thou art so much prevented in this blessed work also? To what end else are thy words and writings to others, and continued begging of their remembrance of thee before the Lord?  
9ly Is it not thy daily grief, that both thyself and others move so slowly in this work, to see men lose their first love, and walk not so rightly and faithfully with Christ, as formerly? is not this thy daily grief and burden, and that which sometimes even overwhelmeth thy spirit?  
10ly. (O my soul) dost thou not desire continually to bless the Lord, that he hath made thee his servant to serve him in any work? for what art thou, that the Lord should choose thee out to be his servant, when he might have taken others, that might have done more service? yea, dost not thou bless the Lord (O my soul) more in that he hath made thee his servant, then that he hath given thee riches, or honour, or esteem in the world? are these any thing in thy eye, in comparison of being made his servant? did not the Lord bring thee to that pass before he appeared in way of comfort to thee, to make thee beg of him, upon thy knees, that thou mayest but be made a servant of his; whatever else thou underwentest though thou shouldest be made as the offscouring of all things, or forced to beg thy bread in this world; yet that thou mightest but be his servant?  
11ly. (O my soul) mayest thou not say, that infirmities are more afflictive, because impediments in the service of Christ, then because they are afflictions upon thee? art thou not more troubled, when sick, weak in body, mind, or understanding because these unfit thee for the service of Christ, then because weak, sick, or low in esteem of others? Lord, thou knowest there is much trembling upon my spirit about this, whether I may say this before thee or no: but if it be not thus with me, (O Lord) I beg of thee to work this frame in me; for it is that I desire to press after daily, and am grieved that I am no more clear in; yet (methinks) sometimes it is in some measure evident to my soul, that the defects that accompany my service are more grievous and burdensome to me, than the want of success of comfort, though sometimes I am quite dark, as to the clearing of this thing, fearing lest I have too much eye to my own comfort and advantage, which I beg of God to crucify in me.  
12ly. Though there be too much (if the Lord saw it good) of this wicked root of pride and selfconfidence in me; yet is the Lord pleased (blessed be his Name) ever and anon to be pulling off those proud plumes, and put in me most ferious and solid thoughts, to make me see, that all that I have done, or am able to do is very little, and so making my soul (in some measure) to walk humbly upon this twofold respect.  
First, Considering, that my Lord is so worthy, and the service that I am able to do so unworthy of him; now shall that Lord that hath done so much for me, have such service as this? Oh, how poor and low is it! the thoughts whereof the Lord was pleased sometimes to make a means to abase me.  
Secondly, Another thing the Lord was pleased sometimes to make a means to humble my soul, was the consideration of this, That the defects in all my services of him arise not so much from without, no, nor from all the powers of Satan and Hell, as from within, as from the corruption of my own heart; and this maketh me often cry out before the Lord of the body of death; O wretched creature that I am! the good that I would, that do I not; but the evil that I hate, that I do?  
13. (O my soul!) art thou not really glad if by any means thou mayest be made faithful? and is not all that thou dost almost in order to this? wherefore else dost thou read, hear, pray, meditate, converse with Saints, but still that thou mightest be more able for, and faithful in the service of thy Lord?  
14. Shall I say, I gather some comfortable hopes hence that my Lord hath made me (in some measure) faithful, in that I love my work more than my life? I trust through grace I may speak something to this also. I confess often times in my most serious thoughts (if my heart do not wretchedly deceive me) I could gladly part with this wretched life, and desire to be with Christ, which is far better; and oftentimes am ready to be impatient of delays, until the Lord was pleased sometimes to quiet my heart with such like thoughts as these: Shall! be willing hereafter to receive my wages, and should I not be as willing to do my Lords work here, and in his own time. What though it be sad work to work in the darkest Mines of Corruption and Temptation, to be continually fight and wrestling with those Enemies of my Lords, and of my soul; and shall I not be willing to do his work as the Jews did theirs in building the Wall of Jerusalem, that he will have me to work with one hand, and with the other to hold a weapon, with my shield always by my side in a continual fight posture? Shall I not be willing to serve my Lord in his own way. O Lord (if I know my own heart) I would do it; therefore Lord help me, and make me faithful in it, that I may never make any peace with one Enemy of thine, or give them any quarter, but continually seek their life, ruin and blood, who drew the blood of my dearest Lord.  
Lord, shall say that these things do hold forth in any measure my faithfulness to thee? Or do they not rather hold forth thy faithfulness to my poor soul, who hast ever appeared faithful, though I have been unbelieving and unfaithful? yet thou hast been faithful, and it is thou that indeed workest all my works in and for me, which Lord hasten the completing of making my soul such as thy soul may delight in, even a Spouse fit for my Lord Jesus.  
The next day being the 25. of the 10. Month, commonly called by English people, Christmas, or the blessed time; but I am sure (through the rich grace of God) it proved a blessed time to my poor soul; for though through the temptations of Satan I went with a sad heart before the Lord this Lord's day, yet ever and anon was my heart filled with exceeding joy, w●… joy arose in part from the refreshment the Lord gave me in communion with him over night, after I had with some sadness attended upon him all the morning not finding so full an appearance of his as I was filled with an expectation of: yet in that afternoon how gloriously did the Lord appear through Mr. Knight's Ministry, in many sweet refreshments and seasonable truths to my poor soul? which came in with so much the more life and power the Lord having but the day before given me such a discovery of my heart, and of the workings of it before him; as also of that full resignation that he hath wrought in me of my whole self, and by-ends and will to him; Mr. Knight spoke this day from 3 Joh. 18. and finished it; there was one word in a special manner set upon my heart from 1 Cor. 1. 30. Who is made unto us of God, wisdom, righteousness, sanctification, & redemption: And oh how much need hath my soul of all these? Of wisdom to guide me; Of righteousness to plead for me? & of sanctification being a polluted wretch defiled all over? yea of redemption out of the hands of Satan & my own corruptions: & seeing Christ is made thus of God, & not only in himself so, but unto us; Then up O my soul, & believe (as thou wert then lively pressed to, & hadst so many sweet encouragements, as thou hadst that day inwhich the Lord was pleased in a great measure to answer thy desires over night, which appearances of the Lord were so much the more glorious, and his condescension the greater, by how much he had three or four times before gloriously appeared to my soul through our said Pastor; but through one temptation or another I was still prevented from giving or returning public Praises for it, as I did desire, but often provoked and occasioned rather to wrangle against my own mercy, and fall to questioning how I might know whether they were appearances of God yea or no; now that the Lord was pleased to pass by all this, and so condescend to my weakness and folly, as to appear so gloriously as he did, even as it were with an holy violence to force or constrain me to acknowledge it to Mr. Knight, and desire him to bless the Lord for it; providence ordering it so, that I was all alone at the Meetinghouse this day between the two Sermons, for the space of two hours or more, I earnestly desired the Lord to show me what his mind was, or what ends he might aim at in these trials and administrations towards me: as I sat ruminating and considering what ends the Lord might aim at, there were these things hinted with mighty power upon my spirit; as,  
1. Truly I feeling my heart before in a very dead, listless, cold frame in the presence of the Lord, who did by this hand of his in a lively manner quicken up my spirit, and cause it to work up lively in his presence.  
2. Yea, he did by it give me a clear sight of the workings of my own heart, of its desire at the last to be fully resigned unto him, and be wholly at hisdispose more than ever before; yea, I found my desire to be wrought up unto that pitch to seek his glory first in all things.  
3. Yea, the Lord by this means drew up, and drew out my heart to a longing, earnest and vehement desire to be led and guided by him in all his ways; telling him that I was such a poor foolish weak creature, that I was not able to go one step in any of my ways, natural or spiritual, without him; and therefore seeing that he had promised to guide the simple and lead the weak, that he would now in an eminent manner appear to be my guide in all my ways, even to the death, and not at any time leave me to myself, or the vanities and allurements of this world, the temptations of Satan, or the wicked corruptions of my own heart, (I being so ready to be drawn aside by them) and therefore begging again and again to be kept by his mighty power.  
4. Yea, I had (through this occasion a renewed token from my God & Father, filling my heart w●th such joy and confident expectation of his appearance (even before the duty wherein I sought it of him was ended) which made me beg of him to increase and keep up my faith, and not suffer Satan to cause a damp in it, causing me any more to distrust his love, who had so largely manifested it from time to time to me.  
5. Yea did not the Lord show me how righteous it was with him, that I who had so often rashly said, that did not trouble my headwith these things (though I then saw it not) the Lord shown me, that it was righteous with him, that I should now not only have my head troubled, but my heart also, so that all along the Lord was pleased to outwit Satan, so that what he thought to have made a snare to entrap me in, the Lord made as great an advantage to my soul, as ever any administration was?  
The next Lord's day, (being the first of this 11th. Month, 1653.) being filled in the morning with very sad thoughts and apprehensions of my own darkness and deadness, and the like, beseeching the Lord that it might be no bar or hindrance to his appearance to my poor soul that day, but that he would appear so much the more, by how much the darker I was, for by so much the more would the glory of his grace shine forth upon such a a dark creature; O how gloriously did the Lord appear this day in answer to these desires; and that in a lively unexpected way, in guiding Mr. Knight in his Sermon, which was now fixed upon John 3. 19 to begin with it that day that suited me; for I did only expect (as himself had formerly intended) that he should only hold forth the sadness of their condition, who love darkness more than light; but when he came to meditate about it, he could not (as he told me afterwards) get over the first words, of light coming into the world, the Lord drawing out his heart, that day, to treat wholly about Jesus Christ, being sent a light into the world, to enlighten poor dark creatures, which came in so seasonably and suitably upon my poor heart, that I cannot but much admire the grace of God in it.  
The next day (being the eighth day of the eleventh month, and the Lords day) O how gloriously was the Lord pleased to appear to my poor distressed soul, in answer to its desires and groans before him, making use of our dear Pastor, as the instrument of his conveyance, (even throughout the whole service of the day) the truth is, I am not able to declare the goodness of the Lord to my soul at this time; O that I could admire it, for I cannot express it, what seasonable truths, refreshments, counsels, and directions the Lord was pleased to hint out to me this day.  
A Copy of some desires, which I spread before the Lord, which were offered up upon a day of Humiliation.  
THere is one who desires a share in the Petitions that are this day poured out in the spirit to the Lord, beseeching him, that as he sent his own son into the world, to be a light to those who sit in darkness, and to guide their feet in his ways, that he would be pleased to make him appear to be so to their souls, by undertaking to be their guide and leader in all their ways; and to that end that he would be pleased to reveal his will more fully to them, & go in all their ways before them and enable them cheerfully to follow him, but at no time to go before, without him, or stay behind him.  
This was in relation to myself, and my present condition, desiring still to see the Lord more clearly going before me.  
Upon the reading this Bill in my behalf, they seemed all of them that read it to be exceedingly taken with it; reading it over and over again, and pausing upon it, finding it to take much upon them, upon which my wicked heart being too ready to swell, how graciously was the Lord pleased to cast in such expressions as these upon Mr. Blake's heart, which, after some time pausing upon it, he uttered, which did much abase my spirit; It is an easy matter (said he) to speak and present fine words in papers, and in prayers; but if we should now enter into a serious examination of our own hearts, what we have done towards the attainment of these things, which we thus desire that the Lord may be petitioned for; perhaps our hearts may charge us of much hypocrisy and neglect therein; in matters of bodily sickness and pains we do not only seek the Lord, but we observe all means that we can for cure, and try all Physicians and the like; but have we done so for the attainment of these spiritual mercies or no? we could be content perhaps, if God would do it without us and our pains; in the serious consideration whereof how sadly did my guilty heart fly in my face! though not in reference to this present desire, I must confess, yet in reference to many other desires that I have formerly spread before the Lord, for the subduing of pride, and passion, and other corruptions, which I would gladly have subdued; and yet in my course I gave too much way to them, and set not so strict a watch over mine own heart, as I ought, & as I desire the Lord to help me to do.  
O my soul how graciously was the Lord pleased to appear this day (being the second day of this twelsth month) through Mr. Knights Ministry at Westminster Abbey, as a God hearing prayer, yea, answering thy desires, as to those petitions put up over night? how gloriously was the Lord pleased to unveil the Lord Jesus Christ to thee, as a Physician to poor sick souls; which discovery of him, as it was very glorious so most suitable to the present estate of thy spirit being (as I trust I may truly say) sick of its self, of all its ways and doubts, and failings, to all my relations & conversations? and O how sweet and seasonable was it now to hear of such a Physician, as he was gloriously held out to be, from that 9 Matth. 12. and for the other suit, in causing my soul deeply to fall in love with him, and to be really taken off from all things else; even for this I desire to wait, until the same Lord shall please to give in as gracious an answer, which I trust he will also do in his due time.  
And for those requests put up this morning I could not but acknowledge, that the Lord was pleased greatly to bow down, and give me a sensible token of his glorious and gracious presence, through which that present mercy in prayer (every word coming as it were from my very heart, in both the prayers before and after Sermon, being the very groans and breathe of my soul before the Lord) and every word in the Sermon, almost, being, as it were, spoken from heaven to my heart, so fully, and in those very things, that my heart was, at that very time, burdened withal; and I thought to have vented to Mr. Knight, our dear Pastor, the day before; which, if the Lord had not prevented me in, I really fear, that I should not have had so clear and gracious a sight of God in this his appearance, but should have thought, surely, he had spoken those things in relation to me; but blessed be that God that ordereth things so, as to give his poor creature a more clear sight of the riches of his grace, even as a prayer-hearing God; and all this, notwithstanding the rebellions of my spirit, even under the hopes of his appearances, breaking out into that rash and sinful word, (being exceedingly wearied, going up and down Westminster-hall, and to Whitehall, and to and fro up and down, then (as I said) did the passion of my wicked spirit cause me to break out into this foolish sinful expression, saying, If I had known this, I would not have come out this day, when as perhaps the Lords intent by it was to try me, and make the folly of my heart appear to me, and see how my faith could bear up against those discouragements and bodily trials, (for my body was much distempered) and in this my walking up and down, I had a pain took me under my side, that struck through my breast to my heart, that I looked every moment when I should fall down in the street as I went along, and as I came back; yet notwithstanding all this my rebellion and repenting of my journey, was the Lord pleased not to do by me as righteously he might; for he repent not of his intended kindness to me, though I repent at my waiting upon him for it; and though I was full of changes, yet he changed not; but when the Lord was pleased to bring me back again to Westminster, and that in due time, I was glad, and began to recover my spirit again. O how was my heart filled as it were with this exceeding appearance of the Lord, and (in some measure) enlarged that evening to bless his Name, who had so often appeared, and to all added the mercy of this day, manifesting self to be a God hearing prayer! but O that cursed unbelief of my wicked heart, that hath had so much, and so manifold appearances of God, and of his goodness, and should yet trust him no more! which also greatly drew out my heart to beg of him to crucify my unbelief; but (I confess) this was it that often gave the turn, and draweth a cloud as it were before me, even the mighty prevalences of corruption in my soul, which maketh me often to cry out; Lord, when shall I see this body of death and sin subdued, and crucified, and my soul fully subjected to thee, this being the burden of my soul, (even then when the Lord shines forth most clearly upon my heart) to think, what an unsuitable frame of spirit is there in me, to all those wonderful ways of the Lord towards me, that by all the sights he gives me of himself and his will. I am no more changed into his likeness!  
The 15 day of this twelfth Month, at night, the Lord was pleased exceedingly to draw out my heart to beg of him the rooting out of those corruptions issuing out of my heart to the creature, and gathering of it up into himself, and ordering my affections, and the like; as also being greatly drawn out to bless and praise him, beseeching him to enable me to it to bless him for his answers, so often given me to the importunate desires and requests of my soul, when I had so often tempted him; for it was not Israel only that tempted him ten times, but I had often tempted him; so that he might have righteously given that I begged of him, and a curse together with it; but I did now greatly desire to bless him that hitherto he had denied me in it, beseeching him so to do still, and subject my soul to him in all my ways, begging him earnestly that he would once work my heart to such assurance, that I might be careful in nothing, and in nothing thoughtful for, or studious about any thing here below, and to give up myself wholly to be at his dispose, yea, more than ever I had been to any bodily Physician, beseeching him now that he would undertake to be my souls Physician, and to cure me of those soul-distempers in my affections and practices, let the physic be what he will, let it but be of his prescribing, and to support my spirit under his hand, and make it willing to submit to his will, and then (Lord) do with me what thou wilt.  
And now (father) what are those requests that thou wilt hear? hast thou not said, what ever we ask in thy Son's name thou wilt hear; why, in thy Son's name I desire to come; for I have nothing else to plead, there is nothing in me, but for thy Son's sake, the Son of thy bosom and love, who died for poor sinners, such as thy poor worm is; for his sake, and in his Name I come unto thee; and thou hast said, whatsoever we ask according to thy will thou wilt hear: Now (Lord is not this agreeable to thy will, to be conformed more to thee? and have my will more subjected to thee? and my affections more placed upon thee? O then (Lord) seeing thou sayest, What we ask believing, we shall have it, (Lord) increase my faith, & help me to wait upon thee believingly.  
The eighteenth of this twelfth month, having been these eight or nine days last passed somewhat distempered in body, which distemper prevailing more and more upon me, I thought I should hardly be able to wait upon the Lord in his administrations the next day, desiring the Lord to direct me what to do, and submit my will to his; yet, very early that morning I had many reasonings in myself what to do, being loath to distrust the power of God, that I had so often found eminently held out to me, and yet unwilling to tempt the Lord to appear to me in any extraordinary way, desiring much his direction: at last the Lord was pleased to enable me to resolve to go, notwithstanding I was exceeding ill of an extraordinary cold, beseeching the Lord to appear to my soul; and as he was pleased to give me that probability of the enjoyment of him once more, that it might be a blessed opportunity to my soul, and that his mighty power and spirit might accompany every word and hint to my soul, that it might be of spiritual advantage to me, such as I might have cause to bless his name for, and also to mould me into whatever truth he should reveal to me that day; And truly I desire to acknowledge that the nineteenth day of this twelfth month, the Lord was pleased very gloriously to appear through his word administered by our dear Pastor, both in the exposition of the end of the 14. of Matt. as also in both Sermons this day, at which time he began to discourse upon the 45 Psalms; but did only handle the Title of it this day, from which the Lord was pleased to hint out very precious, glorious, useful, yea seasonable instructions to my soul, which I desire earnestly to beg of God to cast and mould my heart into; yea, such truths as proved an answer to several desires of my soul many days before, and to the groan of my soul before the Lord, even continually almost, to wit, that the Lord would be pleased to gather my heart out of all things below Jesus Christ, and give me to the end such a sight of my Lord Jesus Christ, as might indeed) take my heart from all other things; now that at this time the Lord should thus seasonably cast his thoughts upon such a Scripture as this, it did cause my soul to admire the riches of his grace and condescension to such a worm; yea, whereas my spirit hath of late been greatly troubled about my foolish conversation, being not such as may any way adorn the Gospel, walking very unseemly in all my relations, and very much offending therein with my tongue, which hath occasioned many a sad thought upon my heart, and many a sigh and groan, yea tears before the Lord, to set a watch before my mouth, and subdue this wicked iniquity in me.  
And now did the Lord this day lay open the spring, the root, the cause of it, my eye was not as it ought upon my heart, nor my heart as it ought to be upon Jesus Christ, nor when it was upon him was it in a boiling frame: for (as by him hinted) were the heart boiling hot about the Lord Jesus Christ the tongue could not issue out such vanities as it doth; now (dear Lord) let not these things be spread before me in vain I beseech thee, but do thou by the mighty Power of thy spirit make them of singular use unto me.  
The 11th. of this first Month the Lord drew out my heart very much (amongst other things) to beg of him to manifest himself in that Relation of an Husband to my soul, more and more letting me to find and feel what it was experimentally to be embraced by him, and gathered up into more intimate communion with him, and much more to this effect.  
The next morning he caused my soul to breath out in this manner; That though I was every way unfit for communion with him, yet beseeching him to appear to my soul, and a sight of himself would much rejoice my heart, telling him that as he had often appeared gloriously in this kind, so that he would please to let my soul find once again by experience his mighty power to break out through what ever instruments he shall please to make use of this day, that I might through them have a glorious sight of himself. In which the Lord was pleased greatly to bow down, appearing graciously through Mr. Price, who spoke to us in his Name the 12. day of this first Month.  
Upon the 26. day of this first Month, 1654. we went to James, expecting to have heard Mr. Cradock; but when we came there, we heard there would be a stranger, at which I was much troubled in my spirit; and after some debate in myself I began to repine; but expecting the Lord might have some seasonable Word for me; and truly (blessed be his Name) there was many seasonable things hinted to my soul by him, which both refreshed & stayed my spirit.  
The next day at night (being the 27 of this first Month) Amongst other things when I was seeking of the Lord, he drew out my soul with some measure of sensibleness of his hand upon our Pastor, what a sad stroke it would be if the Lord should strip us of him, taking him from us; oh! What would become of God's glory? how would his and our enemies insult over us? though it is true we have deserved it [I am sure I have] to be stripped of this mercy, and scattered from each other, because we have been no more fruitful under all the mercies, means, and appearances of God through him; and I begged to sanctify his hand upon him, both as to him and us, & teach us all to improve it and know his mind in it, desiring the Lord withal that he would please to hasten and accomplish his Work through this dispensation, and in his own time to command health and deliverance to us, and give in this mercy as a pledge of his love amongst us, that he might come again amongst us filled with the spirit, and ready to break out those discoveries of God upon his heart, and that we also may be fitted for this mercy, and made more ready to receive impression from God through him then formerly.  
And for my own soul after many requests for the subduing of corruptions, and regulating my affections, and taking off my heart from all things here below, and placing it upon the Lord Jesus; after which and many other requests, the Lord drew out my heart with desires, that if the Lord saw it meet to add another night or another day to me, that he would together with it, give me a heart to serve him in it, and that as he reneweth the light and raiseth from sleep, so that he would inliven my heart in his ways, and quicken up my soul to a more lively service of him, and if the Lord see it meet to give me one opportunity more to hear his word, that he would please to fit me for, it and to come in through whatsoever instrument he shall please, that my soul might have such a blessed sight of him, that I might thereby be changed more into his own Image.  
The 2. day of the 2. Month, being this morning in some measure made sensible of my own deadness and dulness to the things of God, and barrenness and unprofitableness under all the means of grace; I apprehending it very righteous with the Lord to deal with me according to my desert, and not to manifest any thing to my soul, yet pressing him much, though I deserved the contrary, yet for his own name sake, and for my Lord Jesus sake to be pleased to appear to my poor soul, and let me have some sight of himself, telling him that he had gloriously appeared formerly to my soul, and he was the same still; and O that he would now break through and give me a sweet kiss from himself; and how gloriously did the Lord, this day, condesend, and bow down to the desires of his poor unworthy worm, through that servant of his (Mr. Bramble) by whom, and through whom, many seasonable truths were hinted to my spirit, both in way of further reviving of my deadness and dulness, and in way of comfort and direction, for which O that I could indeed bless and praise the name of this my glorious God.  
The third day of the second Month.  
Having extreme desire to go and hear Mr. Cradock the next day, I told my Mother over night, persuading her to it, she having very urgent occasions; but at last prevailing, I found myself very much distempered next morning with a great cold which I had got; notwithstanding which, I got up, but before I was quite dressed I had such a stitch took me in my back in such an extreme manner, that I known not how to lean any way; it was in such an extreme manner which held me for the space of two hours continually, almost until it was full time to go; in all which time I reasoned still with myself what I should do, fearing I should not hold out that journey, nor be able when I was there to sit to hear because of it; yet at last having had such experience of God formerly, I did desire now to rol upon him, & betook me to some short desires to him, beseeching him if he saw it good, to give me so much inward and outward strength as might at this time enable me to honour and glorify him; earnestly begging his appearance to my soul, quickening and raising it, conforming it more to himself; with many other desires relating to my spiritual condition; and how seasonably did the Lord come in this day through Mr. cradock's Ministry, both conveying of Counsels, Cautions and Comforts? The Comforts were from Rom. 8. 32. And for the stitch and pain in my back, I bless the Lord it went so away that I felt it not all that while I was abroad, but did as it were quite forget that it troubled me that day; so did the Lord appear to my body also.  
Many blessed sights the Lord gave me also this day through that servant of his, Mrs. Blackborn, whom I met at James hearing Mr. Cradock, who came home with us, and related much to me how it was with Mr. Cradock, how sad his temptations were, which came most seasonably to my consideration to take me off from rash thoughts I was ready to take up but the day before concerning others, still many other seasonable things she hinted to me of the fears that often were upon her spirit touching self-ends, fearing that she might desire, beg for, and seek after good things; and yet all but out of self-ends, complaining of the strife she found oftentimes between her judgement and affections; yet being drawn out to bless God for denying of her that which at the very present her affections ran out after; all which jealousy and fears lying sadly upon my own spirit, hearing her that was such an ancient Christian complain also of the same, was to me a little refreshment.   

Some scattered Meditations the second Month. 1654.  
COnsidering the vanity of all creatures compared with the Lord, what is there in the creature desirable? the best of men (which are the best of creatures) are nothing else then vanity; they are but a shadow compared with the substance; nay, they are but dark shadows; now what wise creature is taken much with a shadow? what is there in creatures, the best of creatures (man himself) that is desirable? as for beauty, that is vanity of vanities; the rarest thing in this vanity should no way take upon a gracious spirit that was raised up to higher things; but (to go to the utmost height) the best things and most desirable in the best of men is their resemblances of, or likeness unto the Lord; yet in this they are but like unto pictures, yea dark ones; now who would be much taken with the Picture, that might at the same time enjoy the thing that is pictured; yet some Pictures made by the hand of man, may in appearance far excel in beauty and loveliness the thing pictured; and herein the best of creatures are but dark, dead low resemblances, yea very poor ones of the eternal God. Pictures are often desired because of the fading, uncertain enjoyment of the thing pictured, which often times fadeth before the Picture; but what creature comes near to the representation of God? the Picture quickly fadeth and dies, but the substance is eternal.  
Who then would desire, or be overmuch taken with such a Picture that perhaps seemeth fair to day but fadeth to morrow, which is the condition of all finite creatures? but that infinite God is an everlasting Father, the Lord Jesus an everliving Interceder, and the Spirit of Truth an abiding Comforter; yea, in every Relation wherein the Lord is pleased to manifest himself, he is that to his to all eternity.  
Yea, as Pictures are poor, dead, useless things in comparison of the person they resemble, only a delighting the eye; such are the very best of creatures compared with the Lord; can they speak if he be silent? can they effect aught if he withdraw? Can they smile if he frown? Can they refresh if he rebuke? Can they heal if he wound? Can they raise up if he cast down? There is neither any life or motion in them separated from him; they have eyes, but see not; ears, but hear not; hands, but act not; feet, but walk not; tongues, but speak not to any spiritual advantage, unless he that is the life of their lives puts life into all these, and when he hath done, acts in, through, by and with them.  
The tenth day of the second Month.  
The Lord having been pleased to hint out to me by Mr. Bramble (the 9th. of the second Month, 1654.) that the Lord was pleased oftentimes in mercy to appoint some wearisome nights and days to his people, wherein they could not take any rest, that so they might call their own hearts to an account seriously before the Lord, and the like; which I pondering upon, and thinking with myself how eminent the Lord hath appeared to my soul in former days, in the Night-seasons, and how sweet my Meditation of him hath been Night and Morning upon my Bed; and how barren my heart hath been for some time of late in these Meditations, and how the Lord hath seemed to withdraw; these thoughts did put me upon it (the tenth of this second Month) in the Evening to beg of God, that as he had formerly appeared in such seasons, that he would please to return that mercy even by those torches of his hand, whereby my Nights are very wearisome to my body by reason of my extreme Cough; & truly I did the more press it upon the Lord in my desires, having much groaned to think that Night would be very wearisome to me more than any formerly by reason of my distemper; but my good God, who worketh all things after the counsel of his own Will, and not according to our thoughts, or fears, or hopes, so ordered it, that what I had reason most to fear, he gave me least to feel, and though I was much distempered in my head, when I went to bed by reason of my cold that was so great, yet did he give me very good rest, all the forepart of the night; which when I awaked towards morning and began to consider, Oh, I could not but admire; but withal began to think that though my desires about this were answered, and though I had rest of body, yet no communion with my God, or reasonings with my own heart (which I intended to have parlyed a little with;) while I had these thoughts and the like, lying in a slumbering way, there was this thought brought to my mind, which Mr. Cradock (the fourth day of this second Month) mentioned upon another occasion; the words were these, That vain man would be wise that was born like a wild Ass' Colt: These words ran much in my mind, and some thoughts were given in upon them, with a great desire I might not forget them, but might in the Morning see and find out that place of Scripture; but the Lord giving me (as I thought an opportunity) and so much strength as to go and hear Mr. Cradick, I hasted, as soon as I could get up, to prepare for going; but when we came there, having prayed to the Lord in some few words, that he would please to give me some sight of himself, some transforming sight, and some kisses from his lips this day; but going there we were disappointed; for that exercise was for some occasions put off to next morning, and so we came home again; and coming home, being a little saddened in my spirit, thinking of my Morning-desires, & when an answer should be of them, or how looked for, I sat me down, and fell to reading a little of Mr. cradock's Sermon before mentioned; and meeting with these words, Oh vain man that would be wise, put me again in mind of my Night-thoughts, and fell to looking the Scripture, and found it in Job 11. 12. For vain man would be wise though man be born like a wild Ass' Colt; some hints there were that fell upon my heart this night from these words, Vain man would be wise: (Good God) hath not this been my condition? this poor vain creature, would I not fain be wise, and thought to be so, and often prided myself in the thoughts of it, for which the Lord righteously shows me now and then my folly; yet how fain would I be wise in chalking out Ways for the Lord to walk in towards me, even as if I knew better what were good for me then God, or how to accomplish that Work in my soul better than he, and therefore am I so ready to prescribe to him Ways; yea and if he refuses and rejects them (as for the most part he is pleased in mercy to do, blessed be his Name.) Oh! how sadly doth it often lie upon my spirit, and how apt am I to think hardly of the Lord, that truly he doth not mean me any good in denying me this or that I desire.  
And for the later words, though man be born like a wild Ass Colt; concerning which I had some scattered thoughts, but not so composed as afterwards. But after I had come home from James next day, and had looked this Scripture, and found it, sitting and pausing a while upon it (my spirit being very much sadned and unfit for any serious spiritual meditation) at last I betook myself to some short requests to the Lord, telling him, That as he was pleased thus to disappoint my expectation of the public enjoyment, yet in him there was a fullness of all power and ability, thereby being as able to speak to me by his own spirit something that might be of spiritual advantage, some transforming words which he is able to do as well in private as in public, which I did now beg of him, and to that end besought him to lead me by the hand this day, and guide me into the Way, and put me upon the Work, and that he would please to appear to me, with many other requests both for my own soul, and others in relation to me. But not knowing what Work to set upon this day, or what to take in hand, but waiting upon the Lord's direction, having many things in my thoughts to do, but desirous of some word from God to my poor soul; but this word in Job 11. 12. following me still, I fell to some further thoughts of it, and ruminating on the latter clause, of being like the wild Ass, I began to think what that Scripture did record of this creature that I saw did resemble me fully, and there these words of the Prophet brought to my mind that it went up and down snuffing up the Wind, and is ready to be found in her month; which words I found in Jeremiah 2. 24. A wild Ass used to the wilderness that snuffeth up the wind at her pleasure, in her occasion, who can turn her away? all these that seek her will weary themselves, in her Month they shall find her. In which, as also in most part of the chapter, I find many things that sat very close to me, the Lord began: thus it was with me, for in v. 2. I remember (saith he) the kindnest of thy youth, the love of thine espousals, when thou goest after me in the Wilderness in a Land that was not sown; In the time of thy darkness, sorrows, and tears, and bondage; when thou goest after me, and often in the bitterness of thy soul resolved to follow me through this Wilderness, though thou shouldest perish in so doing; yea, resolving so to follow me as that thy heart was then fully, as it were, taken off from all but me, thou didst desire nothing but myself.  
But ver. 5. What Iniquity have your Fathers found in me that you go from me to follow after vanity? How righteously may the Lord say thus to me, was he not better to me by far then ever I expected, or could have believed? v. 6. Neither said they, Where is the Lord that brought us up out of the Land of Egypt, that led us through the Wilderness, through a Land of Deserts, and of Pits, through a Land of drought; & of the shadow of death, through a Land that no man passes through, and where no man dwelled. & (v. 7) Brought you into a plentiful Land, to eat the fruit thereof, and the goodness thereof; but you entered, you defiled my land, and made my Heritage an abomination. And was not this my condition? How did the Lord with a strong and mighty hand bring me out of the Egyptian Bondage, that sad slavery that I was in under Satan, and those cruel Taskmasters he set over me in my own heart and conscience, my corruptions and guilt, which laid insupportable burdens upon me both ways, commanding me to make brick, laying the Law before me, but giving me no strength to do it; nay, continually hindering and pulling me back from it, and yet scourging me for all the neglect of it; yea, through a Wilderness, through a Land of Deserts did he carry me; in which I thought I see myself wholly deserted of God (which was no small trouble to me) through a Land of Pits, yea, Pits on every hand, into which I was ready still to fall; through a Land of Drought, wherein my soul was ready to faint in me for thirst after the Lord; yea, through the shadow of Death: And oh how then hath the Lord brought me into the shadow of death time after time, laying me on my sick bed, and pale death still looking me in the face with dreadful terrors and amazement; yea to the very Pits brinck of hell (in my own apprehensions) which is the worst of deaths; yea through a Land where no man passeth, or dwells, having none to condole my misery, none being acquainted with it, or me; but wandering as it were by myself, thinking and deeming that no soul was in half so sad a condition as I was, but on the contrary, hath not the Lord since (oh that I could but bless his Name for it!) brought me into a plentiful Country, shined upon my soul, given me some tastes and glimpse (I hope) of the good Land, which whiles I was thus entering into, I did sadly wax careless and remiss after some time, and too much taken with the vanities of this World, and letting out my heart too much to the creature-comforts. (v. 9) Wherefore saith the Lord, I will plead with you, and with your children's children will I plead; hath any Nation changed their gods which are no gods; but my people have changed their glory for that which doth not profit. (v. 13.) They have committed two evils, they have forsaken me the Fountain of living waters, and hewed on't to themselves Cisterns, broken Cisterns that can hold no water: Oh! may not the Lord righteously complain thus of me? have not I too much declined from him, and run out after creatures in my affections and desires? and placed too much happiness in other things, which have been made appear to be broken Cisterns that could not hold any Water. (V. 14, 15, 16) And now saith the Lord, Why art thou speiled? have the Lions roared upon thee? and is thy Crown spoiled? (v. 17.) Hast thou not procured this to thyself in that thou hast forsaken the Lord thy God whon he led thee by the way? Oh! may not the Lord rghteously say thus to thee? Are the Lions let lose upon thee? do trouble and sorrow come in again upon thee? And is Satan let lose in any measure to torment thee? Mayest thou not thank thyself? Hast thou not brought it on thee? Is it not righteous with the Lord to do so by thee? (v. 18.) What hast thou to do in the way of Egypt, i.e. to return from the Lord to the creature, to seek any good what ever? What hast thou to do to drink the waters of Shiloh, or the waters of the River, or in the way of the Aijyrians? (v. 19) Thy own wickedness shall correct thee, (oh Lord! and hast thou no● made it to do so?) and thy back slidings reprove thee; know therefore, and see that it is an evit thing, and bitter, that thou hast forsaken the Lord thy God, and that his fear is not in thee. (V. 20) For of old time I have broken thy Yoke, (blessed Lord thou hast) and burst thy bands, and thou saidst will not transgress; yea Lord, it is very true, yet I have so done again. (V. 23.) How canst thou say, I am not polluted? see thy way in the valley know what thou hast done, thou art a swift Dromidary, traversing her ways. Do but consider with thyself, and thou shalt see what thou takest, and how unwearied thy wicked heart is in its continual traversing, that by being frequently carried out after other things than me. (V. 24.) A wild Ass that is used to the Wilderness that snuffeth up the wind at her pleasure in her occasion; who can turn her away? all they that seek her will weary themselves, in her Month they find her; Blessed Lord, how clearly dost thou point as it were at my wicked heart, which like a wild Ass, a rugged thing, and wild also, very untamed, and unruly, unwilling to endure to be held in by any bridle, or made any way ferviceable to thee: But used to the wilderness— frequently conversing and running out after the things of this wildering world: (Yea, snuffing up the wind) And is not this a righteous judgement from thee, that what ever my heart runs out after, but thyself it should be but as wind, that for the present fills, but satisfieth not; nourisheth not, but in the end tormenteth and causeth pangs, & tearing in the bowels; oh! this is the misery of my wretched heart, that it can take and fall in with the World, but hardly taken off [Who can turn her away?] Oh Lord! how hard is it to give a turn to this wretched heart running out after any vanity here below, who can turn it? Thy Messengers may come, and come with thy Word in their mouths, and cry, Stop and stand, and make a parley, but they are not able to give a real turn; yea, thou art pleased often times to come in with many a sweet motion by thy spirit, and yet this gives not an effectual turn neither; yea, thou comest in often times, & many ways, sometimes by mercy, sometimes by afflictions; and yet these neither can sound a retreat. Oh that thou (who only canst do it) wouldst once please to give such a real turn to my heart in the pursuit after any thing but thyself; that it may never be so any more. [V. 31.] Have I been a Wilderness to Israel? Oh Lord thou hast not been so to my soul. [V. 32.] Can a Maid forget her Ornaments, and yet my people have forgotten me. Oh Lord! Must not I cry guilty before thee here? for did I remember that I should not so often sin against thee? [V. 33.] Why trimmest thou thy way to seek lovet [V. 36.] Why gaddest thou about so much to change thy way? to run from one thing in the world to another; thou also shalt be ashamed of Egypt as thou wast of Assyria. [V. 37.] Thou shalt go forth from him, and thy hand upon thy head; [in a posture of lamentation] for the Lord hath rejected thy confidence, thou shall not prosper in them.  
The Lord persuade thy heart fully of these truths, and work thy soul to a frame suitable thereunto.  
The 18. day of this second Month, 1654. This Afternoon, being somewhat burdened at the wretched out-going of my wicked heart, which was like a wild thing ready to break out upon every occasion, even in reading the Scripture its self; how sadly doth it take occasion to fly out! the thoughts whereof very much oppressed my spirit; whilst I was seeking the Lord about it, it was darted into me, that the Lord might be even now answering my own Prayers and desires, though the answer of them seemed thus dreadful to me; for oh how often have I formerly begged and desired of God that he would discover my own heart to me, that he would anatomize it, that I might see and know it, even as he sees and knows it, and the like; and for aught I know, this sad working up of corruption may even be to give me a sight of what filth there is within my heart; yea, may I not in some measure have provoked the Lord to suffer, and permit sin to work in me by so vehement desires.  
Oh good Lord! What need then had we poor creatures to seek of thee to teach souls what and how to pray? for truly we know not what to pray; nay when thou comest in answer even to our own importunate desires; how unable are we to bear the answer of our own Prayers? Oh the wretchedness of my heart! is it not polluted in all that ever it doth and saith?  
Is not self, and some by and base ends, or other at the end of every thought, word and action? doth there not still step in some thing of self, yea too often something of sin; yea, when in company I speak best? yea, such things as others seem to admire at such expressions and experiences; but alas, is there not much sin in it? Am I able to do, to live or practise what I speak? Nay, is there not most an end some base end either in the speaking of it, or that comes in headlong after it? Oh cursed frame of spirit!  
The 20 day of this second Month, 1654. having sought the Lord that he would breathe in by his spirit upon my soul, and give me some sights of himself, some communion with him, and some discoveries from him this Afternoon.  
There were these hints fell upon my heart soon after, that I had been very remiss in improving those precious & glorious appearances of God to my soul (through our dear Pastor) that so nearly concerned me from that 45. Psalms, and that therefore the Lord had justly laid him aside for a time, even whilst he was entering into it. (O blessed Lord) hast thou watched over me in the time of my childhood, vanity, unregeneracy, when I knew not my right hand from my left; & hast thou been with me ever since to this day? and should I now distrust thee, or fear that thou shouldest now leave me to myself? (O cursed unbelief!) hast thou watched over me these six and twenty years, and suffered no evil to overtake me, but made all things to work together for my good; and should I now fear and mistrust thy love?  
Hast thou provided for me to this day that no good hath been wanting to me? and shall I now distrust thee, or think thou wilt withhold any thing thou seest good for me? Nay, Hast thou not withheld me from evil that would have hurt me? and must I now murmur, repine and cry out of thy want of love to me? and that thou shouldest bear all this and go on further to make out thy love to me; and shall I yet distrust thee?  
Hast thou overcome death and hell for me, that I am not now in that slavish fear of them as formerly I have been? and shall I still fear that thou wilt not overcome my corruptions for me? (O cursed unbelief!)  
The 23. day of the second Month, 1654. In the Morning being much discouraged in reference to any hopes of God's appearance, having heard but slender commendations of him that was to speak this day; yet being desirous to look up to the Lord, I besought him that he would please to give my soul some sight of himself, and communion with him; and that as I had former experiences from him, that the instrument was nothing if he would please to undertake the work; & therefore I besought him that his power might so appear that my soul might have a sight of him, and there might be some seasonable word spoken that might do my soul good; and truly I must needs acknowledge the Lord was pleased graciously to bow down and manifest his presence exceedingly beyond my expectation this day.  
The fourth day of this third Month, 1654. being to take a portion of Physic, I besought the Lord that it might accomplish his will and pleasure upon me; and if that lay in health, that it might be sanctified to me; if in sickness, that my will might be bowed and submitted to his will.  
The 7. day of this third Month, at night the Lord drew out myheart to beg of him amongst other requests, that he would pardon all my misspent time, and help me to improve what ever time he should see meet to give me, more to his praise and glory; and to that end, if he should see meet to give me to enjoy another day, and see the beginning of a new Week, that he would also give me a new heart, and a new spirit, and help me to walk more to his praise, improving time better than formerly.  
The next Morning, (being the 8. of this third Month) I besought the Lord for his presence that day, notwithstanding all my unprofitableness and unworthiness of it, with much to that effect: And truly the Lord was pleased greatly to bow down, and spoke many sweet and seasonable things to my soul, both through that servant of his Mr: Bradshaw, that preached that day at Fulham, as also by his spirit, through some Scripture then hinted unto us, which caused my soul that night to breath out before the Lord, desiring to bless him for it, yet lamenting my unprofitableness under such glorious appearances of his, and mis-improvement of them; lamenting also the great iniquity of my tongue, beseeching the Lord now to set a Watch before my mouth, and to keep the door of my lips, as also my heart.  
The 13. of this third Month, in the Morning as I was going down, I had a strong repulse upon my spirit to speak a few words unto the Lord before I went down; at which time my heart was greatly drawn out to speak to God to curse, and blast, and root out of my heart these bitter Roots. Pride, Passion, and inordinate Affections, in a special manner that of Passion; he first drew out my heart in this address to God, finding it so sadly prevailing, telling the Lord that he had often showed me the evil of this both from the Scriptures time after time, coming sometimes with mighty power upon my heart, & yet going off again; yea, he had appeared against all these evils in many experiences of the folly and vanity of them, especially those of Pride and inordinate affections; how often had he shown me the emptiness of all creatures, yea in the very things I expected most from? And how often had he blasted my pride by these continual scoffs I met Mithal, and by all those infirmities upon my body, for all which I desire to bless his Name, beseeching him once to speak effectually to my heart, to the utter ruin of these evils in me.  
The 24. day of this fourth Month, being in my Closet, the Lord drew out my heart to pray that he would please to manifest his presence, and drop something upon my heart that might be for my spiritual good and advantage; in answer thereunto the Lord was pleased unexpectedly to cast me upon this Scripture, the 40. of Isaiah.  
1. Where the Lord gins with a command to comfort his Church, yea, to comfort them at the very heart; but thou mayest say, What doth he comfort them withal?  
2. First, Tell her, Her warfare is accomplished.  
2. Her Iniquity is pardoned; yea, he addeth, She hath received of the Lords hand double for all her sins, twice as much mercy as she had sin.  
3. He goes on with a gracious Promise, That God would have a way made for him in the Desert.  
4. And that Every Valley should he exalted, and every high Hill made low, and the crooked made straight, and that the glory of the Lord should be revealed, and all flesh see it, which glory of his should so darken all the creatures glory, that he addeth.  
6. All flesh is grass; nay it shall now appear to be but withered grass.  
7. All which shall whither away, and the Word of God only abide. Then  
8. The Lord calls upon his people to rise from these withering things.  
9 Get you up (saith he) to the Mountains. Secondly, Lift up your voice. And thirdly, Be not afraid; as if the Lord would secretly intimate that he see his people too apt to grubble upon the earth, and take content in these fading Flowers of the Field, not having their hearts raised to so glorious an expectation of his appearance and revelation of his glory; therefore it is observable, he doubles it, Lift up your voice; they being much averse to it; yea, (saith he) Fear not; but why should we not fear? Why, Behold your God; a word of application and admiration.  
10. Yea, He double it, Behold the Lord God, behold he will come [and how] with a strong hand, and his arm (the strength of his hand) shall rule for him: Then he addeth:  
11. His reward is with him; he shall feed his Flock like a Shepherd: yea, He gethereth the Lambs with his arms, and carrieth them in his bosom, and gently leadeth those that are with young. Then  
12. He goes on the 27. verse, showing the mighty power of his God above all creatures;  
15. How creatures are to him but as a drop of a Bucket, and as the small dust of the Balance:  
17. Yea, As nothing, and as a thing of nought; When he had thus abundantly set forth his mighty Power, he challengeth all that unbelief in the heart of his people to come forth and meet him.  
27. Why sayest thou O Jacob and Israel, My ways hid from the Lord? And hast thou any reason for such thoughts?  
28. Hast thou not known, neither heard, that the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth, (see what glorious titles here are to strengthen faith) he fainteth not, neither is weary? Poor creatures are apt to think surely they have wearied the Lord with their continual backslidings and revoltings; but saith h● Have you not known that I am an everlasting God, yea, that I faint not, neither am weary; and he addeth, That there is no searching his understanding; and not only was he thus glorious in himself, but  
29. He gives power to the faint, yea to them that have no might he increaseth strength. (O blessed encouragement!) Poor souls may say, Well, be it so; that notwithstanding all my rebellions the Lord was not weary nor fainteth in his arm or love to me; yet I am a poor feeble creature, and am ready to faint, and not able to hold up the head; but he gives power to the faint also; yea, he eacreaseth their strength, even  
30. The youths shall faint and be weary, and the young men utterly fall; i.e. They that trust in their own strength shall utterly fail.  
31. But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength, they shall mount up as Engles, they shall run, and no be weary; walk, and not fain●; when they that can do nothing, that have no strength or might, but only wait upon the Lord for strength from him, shall have this glorious Promise made good to them: (O my soul) wait thou only upon the Lord, because thy expectations are only from him; wait I say, upon him.  
Isaiah 41. 8.  
8. He goes on with rich encouragement to poor weak souls, Thou O Israel art my servant, Jacob my chosen, this Seed of Abraham my Friend; (sweet familiar titles!)  
9 Whom I have taken from the ends of the Earth, and called thee from the chief men thereof, and said, Thou art my servant; Blessed Lord, hast thou not done this for my poor soul? hast thou taken me when I was running, even to the ends of the earth, from place to place, and thing to thing, bewildered in all? yea, hast not thou called me from the chief men thereof, from the chief desirable things of this world? O Lord, enable my soul to follow this call of thine, and make me indeed thy servant; yea, the Lord addeth, Thou art my servant, I have chosen thee; he doth not say, Thou choosest me, but, I have chosen thee; yea, I have not chosen and turned thee away again; no, I have chosen thee, and not cast thee off; then he goes on with more blessed encouragements:  
10. Fear thou not, why? might they say, why? I am with thee; be not dismayed, for I am thy God; adding withal, I am not only present with thee, and that as thy God, but, I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee and that with the right hand of my righteousness: A blessed encouragement, answering all Objections in the soul, as if the Lord had said, Art thou a poor, feeble, weak creature, unable to any spiritual service? Well, I will strengthen thee: art thou still afraid? Why I will help thee, and as it were, work together with thee; and is not this enough? Why I will uphold thee too, and that with my hand, yea, with my right hand; yea, with the right hand of my righteousness; secretly hinting, that there is a fear in a poor soul in point of righteousness; then he goes on to tell them what shall become of their Enemies, and he ushers it in with a Behold!  
11. Behold what I will do with thine Enemies, Behold, all they that are incensed against thee shall be ashamed and confounded; yea, they shall be as nothing; yea, they that do but strive with thee shall perish; thou shalt seek them, and shalt not find them, even them that contend with thee; it comes in with an Emphasis, Them that contend with thee; they that war against thee shall be as nothing: Oh what a consummation is here determined from the Lord against those Enemies of his poor people and weak servants that strive, contend, and war with them! they shall be first ashamed and confounded but that is not all, they shall perish also, they shall not be to be found, for they shall be brought to nothing: Oh what a destruction is here determined from the Lord upon them they shall vanish so suddenly that the poor soul shall not be able to think it, but shall seek them, and not find them; they shall be as nothing; and why so? why, because they are in the hands of such a powerful God; and though his servants be weak, and poor, and low, he hath said, I will help thee in all hard services, and in all thy strong conflicts I will help thee, and uphold thee with my arm; also he addeth it again in the next verse, even the same he had newly spoken in the tenth verse; but now he goes on again, applying it;  
For I the Lord thy God will hold thy right hand, or, as he saith elsewhere, I will teach thy hand to war, and thy fingers to fight, yea, I will not only help thee, but I will encourage thee also, saying to thee, I will help thee; yet lest this should not be support or strengthening enough, lest the soul should object and say, Alas! I am a poor creature, a poor despised creature, a worm, the most despised creature that is, even trod under foot of all; the most useless of creatures; the most feeble creature; the most unable to help its self; against which the Lord boweth down gloriously to add yet further:  
14. Fear not; yea fear not thou Worm Jacob, and ye men of Israel, though you be but Worms, but men, and are to grapple with all the Powers of Hell, inward and outward Enemies; yet fear not you men of Israel, I help thee; thus saith the Lord, ye the Lord will help thee, thou worm, thou man, I will that hath command of those thy Enemies.  
27. And it is the Lord thy Redeemer, and the Holy One of Israel; and as if the Lord should say, Thou shalt not only come against them that are thy Enemies, and cause them to fly away, but thou shalt thresh them; Behold, saith the Lord, I will make thee a threshing Instrument, and not a dull one neither, but a new one, yea a sharp one, having Teeth or Mouths to grate them withal; Thou shalt thresh them; What shalt thou thresh? The Mountains, yea the Mountains, thy Enemies, the Land itself; thou shalt thresh those Mountains, & beat them small, and make the Hills as chaff, not small, but great and strong Enemies shalt thowse thus.  
16. Thou shalt fan them, and the wind, (which none knows whence it comes, or whither it goeth) that wind shall carry them away, yea that Whirlwind (the most dreadful of Winds, and the most quick and fierce) shall scatter them; and what shall be the issue of all this? Thou shalt rejoice in the Lord, & shalt glory in the Holy One of Israel: He doth not say, Thou shalt glory in thy Victory over those Enemies in what thou hast done, or the like; no; Thou shalt glory in the Lord, and rejoice in him; how gloriously doth the Lord go on to prevent all the Objections of his servants? Well, suppose all Enemies be destroyed, what is this if I die for thirst, etc. Well, saith the Lord, to prevent this, when the poor and needy seek Water, i.e. seek soul-refreshment as well as Victory over Enemies, and they find none, and their Tongue faileth for thirst (intimating the depth of want, and extremity of thirst) yet than I the Lord will hear them; i.e. when they are hardly able to cry unto me, but are even ready to give up, than I will hear the very groans of their heart, and I the God of Israel will not forsake them, though they be brought into that condition that they can hardly speak, because their Tongue faileth, yet I will not forsake them.  
18. But I will open the Rivers in high places, they shall have abundance, and they shall have it in the most unlikely way, Rivers in the high places, and Fountains in the Valleys, all as it were by contraries; yea, I will make the Wilderness and the dry Land pools and springs of water, which is even a Miracle, which I will rather work then those poor souls shall not be satisfied.  
19 I will plant in the Wilderness the Cedar and the Myrtle Tree; I will set in the Desert the Fir Tree, the Pine, and the Box Tree, things very rare and wonderful.  
20. And this shall be that they may see, know, consider, and understand [hearty Expressions!] that the hand of the Lord hath done this, & the holy one of Israel created it; as if he had said, should I do this great Work in an ordinary way, and by ordinary means, they would not see so much of the power of God in it; but that they may see it was a creating or created Work, therefore will I do it in this unusual way.  
Isaiah 42.  
V 1. Where the Lord shows to what end he gave our Lord Jesus.  
4. As also, how gloriously he would be with him, and support him in his Work.  
6. And first, he saith, He gave him to be a Covenant, or the Covenant, and that to the Gentiles; yea.  
7. To be a light to them, to open the blind eyes, and lose the Prisoners out of the Pison-Houses.  
He confirmeth it with a Declaration of his own glorious Name, 8. [I am the Lord] Oh! therefore sing to the Lord a new Song, praise him through the earth; you that go down into the Sea, you that are as the Wilderness; i.e. though never so desolate, or in greatest danger, however do you praise him.  
16. Then he addeth glorious promises, to bring the blind by the way that they knew not; to lead them in the paths they have not known; to make darkness light before them, & crooked things strait; yea, to do all this, and with all addeth, I will not forsake them.  
17. But they shall be greatly ashamed (saith the Lord) that will now trust in any thing besides me, and so make a god of it, when as I do all this for my people.  
19 Then the Lord seemeth as it were sadly to lament even over his own people, as if they were the most blind and deaf of any.  
22. You are a people rob, and spoiled, and Prisoners.  
23. But who (saith God) will give ear & hear for time to come?  
24. Who gave Jacob for a spoil, and Israel to the robbers? did not I the Lord? he against whom we had sinned; for they would not walk in his way, nor were obedient to his Law.  
25. Therefore he poured upon him the sury of his anger, and the strength of Battle, and set him on fire round about; yet he knew not, and it burned him, yet he laid it not to heart: A sad senseless estate under such a hand of God poured out with fury and anger; and yet behold, in the next Chapter how full of grace, mercy, and kindness the Lord appears to such a people as this; I say, Behold, and wonder at the admirable Expressions of love that immediately follow upon the rehearsal of this:  
Isa 43 which is brought in with a (but.)  
V 1. But, thus saith the Lord that created thee O Jacob, and that form thee O Israel, Fear not: Why? what could such a people do but fear if once made sensible of this their rent and miserable estate? But behold how the Lord comes in to support them notwithstanding all this; saith he, I have redeemed thee, though thou be rob, spoiled, and imprisoned; Yet fear not, I have redeemed you, I have called thee by thy Name, thou art mine: Oh what words are these! able indeed to comfort a poor soul in the saddest hour; Thou art mine; what I, might the soul say; one on whom thou hast poured out thy fury and anger, not by drops, but poured it out, both fury and anger; what am I thine? what I? Though I have been set on fire round about, and that by thee too, and been burnt, yet I have been altogether insensible of it, and so not laying it to heart; and what am I thine? O incredible love! Thou art mine; and what then? I will proceed to give thee a further testimony of it:  
2. For, When thou passest through the water I will be with thee; yea, though it be through a River it shall not overflow thee; yea, when thou walkest through the fire thou shalt not be burnt, nor shall the flames kindle upon thee. A clear demonstration of love! But what is the reason of this? How comes this to pass? Why, I am the Lord thy God, thou art mine; yea, I am thine, and not only thy God, but thy Saviour; and that thou mayest believe it the better, I gave Egypt for thy ransom, and Ethiopia and Sheba for thee: Yea, thou art not only mine, but thou art precious in my sight, and hast been honourable; and I have loved thee; therefore will I give men for thee, and people for thy life, for no other reason but even because I loved thee: One would think, where so much love is manifested, there could be no room for fear; but the Lord (who knows how apt his poor creatures are to be jealous of his love) addeth yet further, Fear not, for I am with thee, and will gather thee from all parts, even every one that is called by my Name, for I have created him for my glory. Well may the Lord summon all the Nations of the Earth to produce such manifestations of his love as these are, and give witness and testimony to it, or else (saith he) let them believe this, and say it is truth; You are my witnesses (saith the Lord) of my dealing with you of old, will they not testify to thee the truth of this, that so you may (out of former experiences of me) believe the truth of what I now speak, for I am he; what ever hath been done of old for you, it is I am he that did it; For before me there was no good, nor after me shall there be any; I am the Lord, and besides me there was no Saviour, our is there any that can deliver out of my hands; I will work, and who shall let it. Yet farther to confirm their Faith, the Lord boweth down, and tells them:  
14. Thus saith the Lord your Redeemer, For your sakes have I brought down the Chaldeans, &c  
15. I am the Lord your Holy One, the Creator of Israel, your King; as if the Lord should say, All that I am, I am as thine, for I am thy Holy One, and thy King and thy God, and thy Saviour, and the like.  
16. Thus saith the Lord that maketh away in the Sea, and a path in the mighty waters: What wilt thou fear that hast such a King, such a God, such a Redeemer to be thine that can make a way in the Sea?  
17. Which bringeth forth the Chariot and Horse, & c?  
18. Remember you not the former things, nor consider that of old? as if the Lord should say, Have you forgotten what a mighty God I am? how gloriously I appeared for you at the Red Sea, making a way for you to go through, and drowning of your Enemies; remember you it not? Must I be fain to put you in mind of my old love to beget new trust & confidence? why then fear not, but roll upon me for the time to come.  
19 For behold, I will do a new thing, now it shall spring forth, I will even make a way in the wilderness, & Rivers in the Desert, & this work shall be so glorious, 20. That the very Beasts of the field shall honour me, the Dragons and the Owls, because I give drink to my people, my chosen.  
21. This people have I form for myself, they shall show forth my praise. O blessed for ever be the Lord that hath undertaken this work, and put an issue to it; oh Lord! let it be so then: Oh what glorious things are here proceeding from God's heart! but when he comes to look upon his people, and their frame of spirit, he findeth matter of sad lamentation, which is brought in with a sad black [But.]  
22. But thou hast not called upon me, O Jacob, [but] again; thou hast been weary of me, O Israel, thou hast not brought me the small  for Burnt-Offerings, nor honoured me with thy Sacrifices; I have not caused thee to serve with any Offerings, nor have I wearied thee with Incense.  
24. Thou hast brought me no sweet Corn with Money, nor filled me with the fat of thy sacrifi●…s.  
Then comes in another sad [but] But thou hast made me to serve with thy sins, thou hast wearied me with thine Iniquities; I, even I am he that blotteth out thy Transgressions for my own Names sake, and will not remember thy sins; as if the Lord should say, When I look upon thee, I see nothing but provocations, and I am weary to bear it; nevertheless I will blot out thy sins, though not for thine, yet for my own Names sake, and will not remember thy sins, and (that he might yet hold to all more abundant expressions of love) he addeth in the next verse, spoke, put me i● remembrance; a blessed word of Encouragement, as if the Lord should say, You shall see that my heart is in this Work, that I will not only do it, but I greatly desire to do it; and therefore if it were possible for me to forget it, yet I give you this liberty and freedom, to come and put me in remembrance; nay, I lay it as a law of love upon you, that you do thus come and mind me of it, Put me in remembrance, let us plead together: Oh the admirable condescension in this high God, who hath so much power, as he hath before expressed, that he can work and none can let it, and yet will suffer his poor Worm to plead with him.  
About the beginning of this fifth Month, there were these hints given me, and hopes from the Lord, which I do not yet know, but I may take as an answer to several Petitions put up to him: As, first, That I had not lived answerable to that counsel the Lord was pleased to hand out to me by Mr. Cradock; i.e. Not to speak evil of any one or other behind their back; but I have often cried out to others, not to themselves, of the pride of this body and that body, and the passion of this or that person; and yet, behold how sadly it reigns in myself! may not the Lord righteously suffer it in me; and show me the evil and folly of it, beholding the Mote in another's eye; and behold, a beam in my own, at this time also was that brought to my hands in Jam. 1. 2, 6. If any man among you seem to be religious, and bridleth not his tongue, but deceiveth his own heart, this man's religion is in vain. A sad word. Also in the 4. 5. 6. Verses of this same Chapter.  
4. But let patience have her perfect work, that you may be perfect, and entire, wanting nothing.  
5. If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask it of God that giveth to all men liberally and upbraideth not, and it shall be given him.  
6. But let him ●sk in faith nothing wavering; for he that wavereth is like a wave of the sea driven with the wind and tossed. A gracious promise to those that lack wisdom and ask it; and in the 4. ch. of jam. v. 2, 3: you ask and receive not, because you ask amiss, that you may consume it upon your lusts; And truly what do I know but that the Lord doth suffer this lust (as he did the Canaanites of old to trouble the Israelites, so this lust) to humble me, and prove me, and know (or make me to know) what is in my heart. O my soul, how hast thou need then to set all the force of thy soul a 'gainst this bitter root of pride? which (for aught I know) was the cause of all other evils. O the ways that the Lord hath taken to pluck up this root out of thy heart! hath not all thy afflictions of inward and outward man been directed, as it were, against this sin! what delight else hath the Almighty to lay sickness and weakness upon thee, why, doth he (thinkest thou) permit all the mocks and jeers thou daily meetest with why, it was for that continued working up of thy pride, notwithstanding all his deal with thee, to pull down when thou art lifted up too much, so that thou mayst thank thy own pride for all.  
Some hints from the Lord at Mr. Thorns about the end of the 5 Month 1654. which I know not but may be an answer of former petitions.  
May-be thou wouldst honour God in one way and condition and he would have thee to honour him in another; yea, may-be he would have thee honour him by living by faith, rolling upon him for the subduing of thy corruptions, and in the mean time will be honoured by continual struggling and fight with them. O my soul! hast thou not often (yea, oh how often!) tempted the Lord sadly concerning this; and the Lord grant it may be the last, after many solemn resolutions, and promises unto the Lord, never to provoke him thus any more, and yet to do it again; yea might not the Lord do this even in answer to prayer? thou having begged of him that morning to give and order all thy words and actions that day: oh that God would at last make thee wise, and so order thy spirit, and subdue this rising of corruption, so as thou mayst never more provoke him in this kind!  
Upon the 6 of this 6 month, 1654. The Lorddrew out my heart in the morning to seek of him that he would be pleased to bow down and appear gloriously and graciously to, and through his servant, Mr Knight, who had but the day before at Fulham Chappel so exceedingly pressed us to seek the Lord for him, which wrought upon my heart greatly, to beg of God that he might find the fruit of the prayers of his people on his behalf: As also, that my poor soul and others that did appear to meet that morning might have a gracious visit from him that none of all my unfittness to attend upon him, or unfruitfulness under former appearances might hinder his gracious presence with, and to my soul this day; but that though there was nothing in me to move him to it, yet that he would do it for his own name and glory sake that my soul might have such a light of him as might conform me more and more to him.  
And how graciously was the Lord pleased to bow down this day as a God hearing prayer! & that first on the behalf of his servant, Mr Knight, that was to speak this day in his name? how gloriously did he appear, not only through his Poor worms, but even in him also, greatly drawing out his heart both in prayer & preaching: In prayer, and therein begging of God, in the entrance of his services, his presence, and mightily (in a way of faith) rolling upon him for an answer of prayer even at this present season.  
The 27 of this 6 Month being the Lord's day, and finding my heart very dead and cold all the week, and also now very unprepared to meet the Lord or expect any appearance at all from him, I did yet in a few short desires present my request to him, beging his mighty presence, unvailing the Lord jesus, (both to and through his servant) to our poor souls, beseeching him also that I might have a clear sight of his goodness in it, and that he would please to appear a God, nay and not a God a far off, telling him withal that my poor soul had found him to be so, notwithstanding all my unfitness and unworthiness, beseeching him even now to make it appear to my soul, that he is a God hearing prayer, and that he would give my soul a very glorious sight of my Lord jesus, and not only discover him to me, but cause these discoveries to work with mighty power upon my heart, really taking it off from all other things whatsoever, and fix it wholly upon himself: with many other requests of this nature.  
But yet notwithstanding, my heart was somewhat (I thought) affected with those desires before the Lord, yet (oh with what sadness, I may speak it,) how soon were they out of mind even before I got to Tulham; in so much that I quite forgot my own desires, and not at all looking after any answer of them; but how did the Lord raise and rouse up my dead heart, even upon the nameing of the psalm that was called to be sung in the morning, which was the 145. psalm, which at the first nameing of, my heart leapt as it were thinking, what! shall we sing that psalm Mr Knights text is in? though for the present I mistake; for his text is in the 45 psalm, but this was the 145. psalm & the two last staves, which as soon as we began to sing my heart was exceedingly altered with it, in which I found many suitable expressions to my former desires, even in the very words, which did as it were raise my heart in a kind of contented expectation of a glorius appearance of God that day, as a return of prayer, which methoughts the Lord did even then give to me by hinting this scripture so put to my condition and desires; and how gloriously did the Lord appear the 27. of this 6. month through his servant, Mr Knight in both parts of the day, whom he was pleased to come in, even beyond his own expectation, as he acknowledged to me in discourse the next day, telling me that he did only intent to handle in general the 3 things concerning Christ, as his sweetness, fitness, & faithfulness; but when he came to speak to them the Lord was pleased so greatly to enlarge the thoughts of it upon his heart, and made it so sweet unto him, that he could not but declare what the Lord gave in unto him; and truly not only was it sweet to him, but as fit and seasonabe to my poor soul as any thing that could have been spoken; the Lord give me but a heart to make improvement of it, so as may be to his praise, and eternal good of my poor soul;  
The 7 day of the Month; how abundantly was the Lord pleased to bow down to this rebellious wretch, who hath great cause to fear, that my heart was set more to seek & see a poor vain creature & to meet with them, then to see or meet the Lord, & yet that the Lord should, even now, bow down and give forth gracious visits to my soul through many sensible convictions hinted to my heart this day, both through his word, and through his other administrations, this day going early enough to hear the morning sermon, though I much fear, whether it were so much out of pure love to it, as out of self-ends, yet what sensible convictions did there from the Lord fall upon my hart from these instructions M. Blond hinted out to us from the expression of David, I kept myself from mine iniquity! where he shown us that it was our great duty to watch chiefly against our own particular sins, showing us, how we might know them, hinting also that it was Probable that this sin of David was tongue-sin, from which how secretly did the Lord check my poor soul! afterwards Mr Nie spoke from psalm the 50. 26: this thou didst and I kept silence, where he shown that by silence was meant a refraining from motion or action: whence he observed, that words and actions are all one with God it was as easy with God to do as to speak; it was but for him to speak and the work was done; yea it is as easy for God to do as for us to speak, and beg of him, and much more; and what a mighty encouragement is this to thy faith, O my soul! which was the improvement he made of it by application, and also hinted more, that as all God's words are actions, and so pardoning actions and administrations are as so many words; and oh of what use is this to my soul! what things hath God spoken to my soul from, and by his various administrations to thee for these many years! how hath the Lord by his providence often as it were convinced thee, and yet thy base heart will not leave to go on to tempt the Lord, though he hath so evidently appeared in crossing thee, and this day was a sign of it, that thou wouldst put on thy best  in that pride and vanity of thy heart, thou knowst; didst thou not by a strange providence as it were, get a spot in thy coat to check thee, and did not the Lord by it show thee thy pride, vanity, and folly? but, Oh how gracious is the Lord that he will please to show thee this in so mild and gentle a way!  
The 10. of this 7 month, being the Lord's day, I sought the Lord in the morning, (but in a formal way) that he would please to appear to me that day through his servant, as also to give in a gracious answer to these desires that Mr. Knight put up to him the last day, namely, to unveil the grace of our Lord Jesus to him that he might so taste and feel it, as might enable him to declare it to his praise, which I did now also beg of the Lord, and that, though I was altogether unworthy of this mercy, or of any more appearance from the Lord, which have made so little improvement of so many gracious favours, yet that he would please to overcome my rebellion and unfruitfulness with his love, and at the last overpower my soul, an● bring it to a more full subjection to himself; and that which I desire now to record to the Praise of the Lord, is before him, and that yet the Lord was pleased most particulary to unveil the Lord Jesus Christ in the riches of his grace; the Lord help thee, O my soul to improve all those wonderful appearances of his praise and glory.  
The 13. of this 7 Month appointed by this new Parliament, for a day of humiliation and seeking the Lord, I sought the Lord in the morning that he would please to put my heart into some measure of suteableness to that business, and to make me really sensible of all my rebellions, unfruitfulness, and unthankfulness to him for all his glorious appearances, and that he would pour out his spirit upon his servants that were to be his and our mouths this day, as also begging the Lord to let some hints from himself fall with power upon my heart this day, and there abide; And (blessed God) how graciously wert thou pleased to appear, and with what sensible and suitable truths, pressing my soul to get into Christ, and dwell there, than which there is no truth more needful to be pressed upon my wretched heart, being so miserably shattered about and upon other things, and my affections so sadly divided, that (in truth) I do not dwell in the Lord Jesus Christ as I ought, which the Lord was pleased in great mercy to my soul, to press very much upon me this day, which blessed counsel, my desire and prayer was that the Lord would frame and mould me into gathering up my soul more into Jesus Christ, and out of all other things whatsoever.  
The 24. of this 7 Month being the Lord's day, I was in expectation to have heard Mr. Knight; but when I came to Fulham there was a stranger, and when I heard him to pray so strangely, I was struck with an exceeding damp, wishing myself somewhere else, yet desiring to still my spirit, and to wait upon the Lord, who is able to hint out somewhat that might be of advantage to me, he spoke from Joh 5. 25. in which he shown us, that men might be alive naturally, and yet dead spiritually, and so pressed us to the trial of our estates, which I thought might be a call from God to check me for my neglect in this work, and to put me upon that duty he tells us, that God was the life of the soul, as the soul was the life of the body, and when God was departed from the soul, it was dead, and that which maketh God departed is sin, proved from Isa. 59 2. In which Scripture (me thought) the Lord did secretly hint to my soul, that my sin was the cause of all the withdrawings of the light of his face, and manifestations of his gracious presence from me, and of his seeming not to hear the desires and prayers offered up to him, which discovery I looked upon as an answer of my desires and prayers that day, and as an appearance of his, through his instruction this day.  
The 25. of this 7. month, The Lord in the morning drew out my heart to beg of him, that he would please to be present that day, being to go to my Aunt Doggets, to guide and direct me in all my words, and actions, being some what distracted and disturbed in my own thoughts and mind, and not so contentedly submitting to all the providences of God, as I ought to do; and after some discourse and hot dispute at dinner, between Mr. Aldgate and myself (at which time I dealt plainly with him according to my poor measure) after which Mrs. Aldgate (very unexpectedly from me, and unusually from her) was very earnest to have me go and read in a little book of hers, concerning content: marveling in my mind at this strange and unusual thing in her, looking upon it as some providence happily to me, who had seen the book before, but looked upon it in a slight cursory way, and not with any valuation of it, yet now, I thought, that happily the Lord might have some thing to speak to me out of it, and so I took the book and went to reading therein, for an hour or more; and truly the Lord was pleased to lead me to most sensible and seasonable things, to the frame of my wretched spirit, by which it convinced me, that I did not contentedly submit to his will in all conditions; for if I did, then there would be a silence in my spirit, yea a joyful frame of spirit, yea a continued giving thanks to him, and many such like things by way of discovery; together with many sensible directions, and instructions, which I desire to acknowledge as a mercy, beging that the Lord would make these hints effectual to my soul.  
The 27. of the 7. month, expecting that our brother ●ental was to preach that day, I had some discouragements whether to go or no; but at last the Lord was pleased to give a turn to my spirit, and upon one account or an other I at last resolved to go and see what the Lord would do for me there, desiring to wait upon him, and withal telling him in the morning that he had graciously appeared to my soul and given me eminent tokens of his appearance through weak instruments, beseeching him to add one mercy more this day, and give my soul a real visit from Heaven, through whatever instrument he should please to use. But, oh my soul! how graciously was the Lord pleased to bow down, and condescend to answer those poor scattered desires, and vouchsafe my soul a most fit and seasonable word this day, by that our brother, who spoke from Matth. 6. Take no thought what you shall eat or drink, or wherewith you shall be clothed; whence he shown the Lord Jesus did greatly forbid all carking cares, or solicitude of spirit about present enjoyments, or future events, together with many other seasonable instructions, reprehensions, and directions to wait upon the Lord and rest on him, and cast all our burdens on him and the like, most seasonable things to my wretched spirit.  
The 28. of this 7. month being Thursday, and Mr. Knight's day to preach at the Abbey, I had strong desires to hear him, and yet somewhat discouraged from some passages of providence, fearing whether or no I went out of desire only to hear, which lay somewhat heavy upon me, and greatly oppressed my spirit, causing it to breath out to the Lord after this manner, That if he did see my heart not to be set aright to seek him, and him only in this undertaking, that he would please some way or other to hinder me, or cause some special providence or other to instruct me and keep me from rushing on this undertaking on any self-ends or designs whatever, beseeching him to guide me, lead and instruct me this day, and vouchsafe his glorious presence with my soul, and the pouring out of his Spirit upon his servant that was to speak to us; And truly, I desire to acknowledge to the praise of God, that he was pleased much to deaden my heart to the creature, before I went out, and to put it into a frame desirous to wait for any discovery from him when he pleaseth, expecting all the way as we went, whether the Lord would please to suffer us to go through, yea or nay, desiring not to murmur at him in it, but to submit quietly to his will in what manner soever he should please to reveal it: But being not by any providence prevented in the way we went, where the Lord was pleased greatly to draw out Master Knights heart in prayer in such suitable things, as if the Lord from heaven should say, I know thy wants and weakness, and will supply them; Providence casting him upon the same thoughts spoken in the fifth Chapter of John, and the five and twenty Verse, the Lord again by it checking me for my neglect of examination of my spiritual life.   
The End of the Second Book.   

THE THIRD BOOK OF EXPERIENCES, Which the Lord hath given my soul of the gracious answers and returns of Prayer, etc.  
These Records I desire to leave of God's appearance to my soul from time to time, which I trust (if my wicked heart deceive me not) was done upon this account, that wherein I have failed in my life-time in declaring how good the Lord hath been to such a wretch as I am, I might yet leave a good report of God behind me, after my departure hence, he having so often made it appear that he is a God good unto the unthankeful, disobedient, and rebellious.  
This gins with the 8 Month, 1654.  
THe 27. of this month, there being a great desire in several of us to have some Church meeting set up amongst us, which had been long delayed, (my mother, and myself having often very much pressed it,) at last I even resolved to urge it no more, imagining that the Lord had no purpose that it should be, and rather fearing least there should be any by-ends in my own heart, in this my desiring of it; then did our brother Orpen and our brother M●rly again renew the motion and spoke of it to us, & afterwards went from us to Mr Knight (yet being still by one means or other kept off,) there fell much discouragement upon many of our hearts about it, notwithstanding at last there was a day appointed to meet, and to consult farther about the settling of it, which meeting was also sadly frustrated by a mistake of the day, and so no meeting, but, after some time, there was another day appointed by joint-consent to begin the meeting, yet somewhat discountenanced by one of our brethren, saying it was winter time, and many other employments would not permit them to enjoy it, yet there was a time set, but the very day before Mr Knight told us, that he could not be at the meeting the next day, which was an other sad discouragement; however they that were present, agreed to meet to seek the Lord together, whereupon the next morning being the day appointed for to meet, I besought the Lord, though with much weakness, and in a poor scattered way, that he would please to go forth with us and provide some help for us, earnestly desiring him to make good that blessed word of his, that where two or three meet in his name that he will be in the midst of them, beging that this word might be made good to us this day, that he would put our hearts in frame to meet with him, and be pleased to be present with us, and also with those whom he should please to send amongst us, that there might be no soul of us but might acknowledge the Lords Presence amongst us and find some blessed word hinted to their condition, and in particular to my poor soul, God setting it home with mighty power upon my heart, even so as that I might be moulded into it.  
And how wonderfully did the Lord (even beyond expectation) appear this day, in sending Mr Knight and our brother Morly (neither of which were expected) and putting into their mouths a most suitable and seasonable word, as also powering out his spirit richly on them that spoke in prayer to him, wherein I saw a great answer to an other petition, this morning, which was that the Lord would please to help every one of them in speaking to him and from him, which he was pleased richy and gloriously to do, in so much that Mr Knight seemed to be greatly affected with the presence of God, and in the close, did acknowledge it, whereupon the meeting received great encouragement, and was resolved to be kept up: O my soul, how did the Lord to thy short desires give in large answers, together with seasonable refreshments to my poor drooping spirit, from the words that our brother Morly spoke out of the 40. psal. But I am Poor and weak yet the Lord thinketh on me; which poverty ariseth from the sense of sin and corruption, yet the Lord thinketh on me; whereupon he puts us upon this thought, what if all other slight, and disregard a poor soul, if the Lord thinketh upon it? is it not better to be in the thoughts of God then of the greatest in the world? together with many other precious and seasonable hints to my soul.  
The 8. of this 9 Month O my soul, how unexpectedly was the Lord pleased to prevent thee with his loving kindness and grace! thou having been very ill all night with an extreme cold, not thinking I should be able to go in the morning to Fulham, yet at last overcome with desire to wait upon the Lord, and cast and roll myself upon him, and how gloriously did he appear to my soul, and what a seasonable word was hinted out this day to me by our dear brother. the 25 of this Month at evening as also the 26. day in the morning, (being the Lord's day) finding my heart exceeding dead, and dull, and altogether unfit to meet the Lord, as also greatly oppressed at the sight of the prevalency of corruption, and temptation over me (almost continually) which occasioned my soul to pour out its self greatly before the Lord, in sundry & various petitions relating to my present condition, as also greatly begging his presence, both in the preparing my heart to meet with him, and in fitting some blessed word, wherein he might meet my poor soul, with many requests to this purpose, too large to relate, and both touching my own soul, and also his servant that was to speak that day, and behold how gloriously, O my soul, did the Lord appear through his servant (our dear pastor) who spoke from the 45. Psal: thy Throne, O God, is for ever and ever; the Sceptre of thy Kingdom is a right Sceptre, where he shown us, that Christ's Sceptre, (by which he rules and orders all his affairs in the world, and in his Church,) is a right Sceptre, and that all his administrations are managed by a right strait line, for the Glory of his father and the good of his poor creatures and that, how ever through the darkness of our hearts, and our unpeliefe, we could not see the straightness of all Christ's administrations, yet, that they are so however; for God the Father who best knows them, saith so of them, showing us also, that however Saints are apt to think that there is none in such a sad condition as they, so tempted, and so overcome by corruptions and vain thoughts, and the like; and if Christ did indeed reign in them and over them and his Sceptre thus right, why is it then thus with them? in answer to which, he shown us, that Christ's Sceptre was right still, because his design was through all this to raise up his own and his father's glory; as his skill appears most that maketh a glorious piece out of a crooked thing, so Christ hath some eminence of glory, by working through all our afflictions and temptations to magnify his grace and mercy towards such as we are; yea, to do us good through all: now, dear Father, hath not thy rich grace shined gloriously in this condescension, to such a poor worthless wretch as I am? This day also did the Lord call us, seeing his Throne and Kingdom is for ever and ever, to look after everlasting things, a secret check to my soul in it, so eagerly pursuing after fading dying things; yea, if Christ's kingdom be everlasting, so also are those that are his subjects, from whence we were farther exhorted to look out what it is that we have that is everlasting, telling us that wives, and children, and estates, and the like, they are not everlasting, they and you must part: Oh therefore do not reckon these everlasting; but if you have a Christ, or grace, etc. that shall be everlasting; if God hath begun any good work in your souls, that shall be everlasting; your infirmities, weaknesses, corruptions, they are not everlasting, they shall die and whither, and Satan shall shortly be trod under your feet; though Satan and sin hath domineered, and made a stir in thy soul, yet it shall not reign for ever there, but grace shall reign by righteousness to eternal life; therefore though your pains be great, troubles sore, temptations many, yet know they are not everlasting, and this may much comfort the Saints; yea, if Christ reigns, this may comfort the Saints, that their afflictions shall pass only from Christ, not from the sons of men, not from the world, nor Satan, nor the Law without him; no, nor the restless motions of your hearts that often misgive, and terrify you; your judgement shall pass from Christ, whose Throne is for ever and ever. O my soul, how abundantly hath the Lord bowed down to refresh, as well as convince thee this day? the Lord grant it may abide upon thy spirit, and help thee to live continually to his praise.  
The 29. of this 9 month, I sought the Lord to appear to my poor soul, and speak some seasonable word that might be for my spiritual advantage; and truly, though I was disappointed of him that I expected to hear, yet, did the Lord by our btother Lemall, hand out a most seasonable word to my soul, which I desire may abide, which was, not to quench the spirit, which the Lord did really convince me that I had often done, even of late, which I desire the Lord would help me against, and make this a blessed word to the end, unto my soul.  
The 30. day of this 9 month, the Lord drew out my heart that morning, to beg of him that he would please to prepare my heart to meet with him and to manifest his presence to my poor soul, through his Word, that it might be a blessed season, wherein my soul might enjoy communion with himself; and that, to that end, he would please to remove out of my soul whatever might make me unfit to meet with him, desiring much in my heart, and endeavouring to express it before the Lord, that my heart might once be gathered out from all things here below, and fised only upon himself, and Jesus Christ, and that there might be something added to this work this day And, O my soul; how gloriously did the Lord appear, both for thy conviction and comfort, in sending his messenger, as if it were on purpose with an errand from heaven to my soul? It was a stranger that preached this day, and the Subject he was upon, was the loveliness of Jesus Christ, Canticles 5. 16. He is altogether lovely; whence he fully cleared, that there was nothing below Christ that can be lovely or desirable, and whatsoever could be desired; it is abundantly in him; from whence the Lord did really convince me of my folly in suffering of my affections to run out so strongly on such vain objects, and so little on my Lord jesus Christ: and in the close, speaking by way of comfort, he had this passage, That when ever any poor soul did come into the presence of the Lord in prayer, or hearing, or any ordinance, with a desire to have such a corruption mortified, (though for ends, best known to the Lord, he may for the present suffer it in him, yet) would he record it in heaven, as if it had been mortified, for (said he) it was in the desire of that poor soul, and though I suffer it, yet I look upon it, as if the soul had mortified it really, and so for all other gracious desires, the Lord looketh upon them as his, and as done, though never attained, as he did Abraham's offering up his son Isaac, and therefore he leaveth it upon record to posterity, that he did offer him up, though yet he did not do it, because it was in his heart and intent to do it, had not the Lord prevented; which together with many other precious hints the Lord was pleased to leave with me this day, which I beseech him to bless me, and make me to improve them to his praise and glory.  
The second day of this 10. month, I sought the Lord that he would be pleased, if he saw meet to add one other day to me, to vouchsafe his face and presence to me, and give my soul some sight of him, and prepare my heart to meet with him, emptying out of it what ever might unfit me to come before him, after which there fell a great damp upon my spirit, considering that I had only in a formality sought this of him, but could not expect that he should continue always so graciously to a poor soul, as I had begged of him, being such an unworthy, unfruitful creature that did so little improve all his appearances: but, O my soul, how gloriously did the Lord break through all thy unbelief, and go beyond all thy expectations, in providing a most blessed, glorious and seasonable word for thy soul, answering the desires of thy heart; also on the behalf of his servant, that was to speak in his name this day! shining forth gloriously in and through him, insomuch that himself did bless the Lord for his appearance that day; for which bless the Lord, O my soul, and oh that all that is within me could bless his holy name! Oh the sensible truths that were hinted to my soul this day, which I desire of the Lord I might never forget, which were hinted from Psal. 45. 7. from which our Pastor sweetly opened the love of Christ to righteousness, which love (he shown us) was that that made him lovely to God and to his Saints. Now that he doth love as he shown us, appears in that this love to it was his very nature, and therefore he is called the righteous, and the Lord our righteousness; yea, it appears, in that he hath through all kind of difficulties fulfilled all righteousness; therefore with desire I have desired (saith he) to eat this , that so he might be ready to suffer, and so to satisfy divine justice, which is one part of his fulfilling righteousness; yea, he shown, that he loves righteousness in that salvation that he hath wrought for us, meriting by a full satisfaction to justice, that so justice might glory in our salvation as well as mercy; for however wereceive all by grace, yet Christ wrought it out by justice and paid a full price for it, which shown his love to righteousness and justice; so that what ever God hath promised believers in his word, it is a merited promise, that Christ hath bought and paid for; yea given the full worth of it into the hands of God, so that justice can never say, that what we receive by grace is not fully satisfied for, but that we have now a right by justice to every promise in the book of God, as well as by mercy: (oh blessed word!)  
Yea, he loves righteousness, because he maketh all righteous, who are accepted of him by his righteousness: And first,  
1. By forming their hearts to his likeness.  
2. By imputing to them his own righteousness; yea, he shown that he loves righteousness, by the terrible execution of his displeasure on unrighteousness: now all this, as it maketh Christ lovely to the Father, so it must needs make him lovely to his Saints, and that for these reasons.  
1. Because they could never look on, or behold divine justice without being confounded, if they did not behold it satisfied through the righteousness of Christ, by which they are enabled to glory as well in the justice, as in the mercy of God, and plead with God, as well as he is a righteous and just God, as he is merciful.  
2. Because all that is beautiful in the Saints, either in themselves or others, is from this Christ; therefore, Christ himself must needs be lovely to them, because that which often supports the Saints hearts is not so much their actings in righteousness, as their love to righteousness; David cries not out, oh how do I keep thy Law! but oh how do I love thy Law! therefore needs must Christ be lovely for his righteousness.  
4. Christ must needs be lovely, for his loving of righteousness, because through this he hath made a way for us to eternal life? how doth he bring about this way of life, or keep us in this path of life? but by a way of righteousness? Rom. 5. last. It is not so much that grace reigneth as that grace reigneth now by righteousness (or justice) to eternal life.  
1. That use that was made of all this was very precious, we being instructed hence to take a due view of Christ, to behold him more; for we are said to be changhed into his likeness while we behold him, so that the reason we are no more like to Christ is, because we live no more in the sight of his righteousness which would but show us our own unrighteousness, and nothing can do it more than this beholding Christ's righteousness, and then reflecting back upon ourselves.  
2, The beholding Christ would make us like Christ; for our assimulation to Christ comes from our being ravished much with looking on Christ; the devil hath no greater design, then to keep the Saints from beholding of Christ, he will let them poor upon their own lusts or any thing else rather than this.  
3. The sight of Christ's righteousness is a ground for the strongest consolation to Saints that can be, of which, when the Apostle had got a sight, he cries out, who shall lay any thing to the charge of Gods elect, seeing through Christ righteousness justice is satisfied, what can sin, the devil, lusts, corruptions, or law do? they cannot condemn for Christ justifieth.  
Oh what refreshments were held out from this blessed truth of Christ his loving righteousness! now if Christ doth love righteousness, than he loves to do justice; and to be righteous in all his administrations, both of grace and punishment, yea, he loves fidelity in performance, which is another part of righteousness; oh put this to the end of every promise in Scripture! that Christ loves righteousness, and so loves more to perform it then thou canst desire to have it performed: as Christ loves righteousness, so he loves to fulfil all righteousness, and that by doing and suffering, though it were a hard work: than it may refresh us further, that all the grace you receive comes from the hand of justice, how may the Saints than go boldly to the father and ask no more than what Christ have already paid for? so that the Saints living on the promise is no beggarly business, for there is not one of them but is throughly paid for by Jesus Christ, and so may be pleaded for, not only upon that account of mercy and grace, but even of justice and righteousness. O that God would cause all these blessed truths to have an abiding power upon my soul!  
The 6. of this 10. month over night, I sought the Lord that he would please to provide some seasonable word for my soul, as also begging his gracious appearance, through his servant that was to speak, with much to this purpose; and (O my soul) how graciously was the Lord pleased to appear to thee this day! the scripture he spoke from by our dear pastor, was the 2 Corin. 1. 12. whence he shown us, what a ground of joy is the Testimony of a good conscience; when it witnesseth in sincerity: whence he shown us, that the work of conscience is to witness to every action of a man, both religious and civil, and not only doth it bear witness of every act, but of the measure, and of the manner of heart-workings in the act, and so witnesseth either the righteousness and sincerity of it, or the sinfulness of it, yea, and the spring of all our sinfulness; our rejoicing (saith the Apostle) is not that we preach, pray or the like, but that our conscience witnesseth, that what ever we do though never so weakly & imperfectly, yet it's done in Godly simplicity, i. e. with a single intention, aiming purely at the glory of God, that there is no double dealing, not a heart for God, and for ourselves too; yea, we were shown, that conscience was not only a witness, but a judge; therefore where it findeth the act good, but the principle naught, it tells that man (if he hearkens to it) that all is naught, and that God will not be served with leaves, but with fruit; and thus it passeth sentence and judgement; from which how secretly did the Lord check my soul? then he shown us, that conscience had a strong memory, though we forget yet conscience will remember, not only acts, but circumstances; which (O my soul) mayest thou not clearly testify the truth hereof by experience? yea, it was hinted to us, that conscience was a just and right witness, all the devils in hell and men on earth cannot make it speak other than truth; the devil may, and doth abuse conscience by imitating it, and so suggesting this or that to a soul, as if it came from conscience, when it comes immediately from hell: even Saints themselves may pass wrong judgement upon their brethren as Jobs friends did; but conscience is a better witness than Saints themselves, and it was so to Job, yea conscience was held out to be a convincing witness; where it doth witness against sin, it witnesseth convincingly, causing them to groan under it; yea it was held out to be a bold witness, that will not be daunted any way, and must needs be so because God himself emboldens it to speak plainly, as that thou art an hypocrite, or afraid to hear what conscience saith; Oh how sweetly was this truth improved this day by application! as first, to teach us to admire the goodness of God in placing such a witness in every man's bosom, yea how good it was for the Saints that this was set up in wicked men, for some times there are actions done by wicked men against God's people, that there is no winess but their own consciences, which testify against them, of all their hard speeches and thoughts, and words and the like; yea how good was it for the Saints also in this! for had they not this witness in themselves, how bitter would the reproaches of the World be to them? We were exhorted to take heed how we walk towards conscience, it being by God set as a Watch over us; oh than take heed that we withdraw not from it! Nay, it is true it will follow you; but labour to keep it in your sight, and when you are to do any civil or religious Work, call it in, and say, Conscience, What sayest thou to this or that action? Was it according to the will and mind of God? and give it leave to speak out; yea and give time also; for oftentimes the affairs of the World hinder, that conscience hath not time to speak its mind.  
2 To take heed we grieve it not; for its complaints will be heard in Heaven, therefore take heed of doing any thing against conscience.  
3. Awe it as a Judge, and be content to be judged by it in all you do, for it will be your Judge another day, and will be an immortal Witness either in point of comfort or terror; oh therefore awe it.  
1. Do you take of heed of slighting conscience or its Testimony; for therein you commit great injury to God, it being his Ambassador, and by him set in you.  
2. It is great folly also to stop its mouth: For,  
1. All your hindering it, or endeavouring to do so, will but prove an aggravation of its Witness another day against you; than it will tell you, That it would have spoken plainly to you such and such a time, but you would not hear, you were so busy in the World, or the like.  
The reason why Saints do no more rejoice, is, because they walk no more in the testimony of their own consciences.  
We were also exhorted in the conclusion to be very tender of doing any thing without a solemn Court of Conscience; rashness is the worst evil; Conscience is God's Witness, let it be yours; give it full liberty therefore to speak and say all it can; ask it again and again what it saith to this and that action, and may be it will give thee that Testimony that through rashness and hastiness it had not time to speak or thou to hear it.  
Oh what sensible hints were these to my poor soul, if the Lord would but please to bless them effectually to me, and help me to put them in practice daily!  
The Lord having seen meet to call our Brother Ʋilet ont of this World, I heard that he was to be buried at Fulham this Afternoon, and our Pastor to preach, which occasioned me greatly to desire to hear him; which also I did, though it was exceeding late; at which time he spoke from 1 Joh. 3. 2. Now are we the sons of ●od, but it doth not yet appear what we shall be, etc. from which there were most seasonable blessed truths hinted to my soul. That which he pressed was, That what the Saints shall be, it doth not appear. Then he shown it did not appear, first to the Saints themselves.  
1. Because of the little light the Saints have of this glory; nay, if God should reveal more, they could not bear it in this state.  
2. In regard of our not improvements of the discoveries made of our future estate.  
3. Because their present estate is compassed with sin and affliction, both which do obstruct the sight of this glory; but more particularly, the Reasons why it doth not appear he shown were these.  
1. From the many diversions of the Spirit of Saints, that turn them aside from beholding their glory to come; how do the toys and baubles of this World divert them from beholding of this? and so their estate doth not appear to them.  
2. It comes from inconstancy of Spirit, because their hearts do not dwell on those things; no man is excellent in that his heart and thoughts dwell not upon: so here  
3. From the weakness of our Faith; for we live now by Faith; but when Christ shall appear, than you shall live by sight; so that whilst you are here, your sight is according to your Faith; if your Faith be right and strait like Stephens, then have you a strong sight of glory.  
4. It appears not, from the remainders of corruptions that abide in us; every sin vails the sight of this glory.  
5. God himself is pleased sometimes to exercise his Saints not only under darkness in the sight of their future estate, but also of their present estate; and so they walk in the dark; and this God doth for high and holy ends, and gives great instructions through it no his Saints to look up to him for life, and wait on him for the manifestation of his love and their future estate, and to make them see that it flows from nothing in them, but from him only; eternal life being not only the gift of God, but even the light whereby we see it.  
2. This glory appears not to the World also, and that  
1. Because the World sees only the outside of a godly man, his shell; but they see not the glory of his inside; they see their poverty, and contempt, and reproach, etc. but they see not the glorious working of God on their souls, or operation of his spirit in them.  
2 It appears not to the World, because the Saints have their Clouds upon them: The best have their infirmities, and these the World look most upon; wicked men are blind and cannot see; for spiritual things must be spiritually discerned; because many times there are differences among the Saints themselves; and this darkens their glory to the World who see them disputing about Religion, and the like; the World judgeth of their future Estate by their present condition; if men flourish here, than they judge well of them; if they lie under troubles, they judge them hated of God; and thus God suffers this darkness about their future estate,  
To humble his Saints, and make them cry to him for light.  
To manifest the sincerity of the Saints.  
To set them a longing after Eternity, where they shall have full and clear sight.  
To make glory appear glory; indeed, if the glittering here be glorious, what shall the full be? that it appears not, is out of just judgement from God to this wicked World, who do hate and contemn them; therefore God will not let them see their glory; they shall only know it by feeling the contrary, and the want of it.  
There were blessed discoveries given to judge our estate.  
We were also instructed in all our present afflictions in this World still to remember it appears not yet what we shall be; did you keep your eye on this, how would it refresh you under all troubles!  
Keep your eye then on Christ his appearances, for there your fullness shall be.  
But further to refresh the Saints, they are at present the sons of God, but know not the best of their estate; you may be now under clouds and temptations but the best is behind; it appears not now what you shall be: And let this cheer up your hearts.  
The 8. day of this tenth month, the Lord drew out my heart in the morning, being the day of our Church-meeting, to beg of him to go forth with us this day, or else not to carry us out; and withal, That he would please to provide a blessed word, a seasonable word for every poor soul that should in the sincerity of their spirit wait upon him that day; and that he would please to speak some seasonable word to my soul, that it may be a blessed testimony that his presence was with me, begging also the pouring out of his spirit richly on them he should please to send to speak among us, with much to this effect.  
The nineth of this tenth month, at night the Lord was pleased often to draw out my heart with some sense of his appearances, as also my unfruitfulness under all former appearancs, beseeching him to sanctify all his appearances to my soul, and help me to walk more watchfully, and hearken more to the testimony of my own conscience in what ever I had done, and not to sin against it, with many such like desires, begging this, That as he had so sweetly encouraged my soul by these gracious hints the third of this month, so that now he would please, notwithstanding all my unworthiness and unfruitfulness, yet to make good these gracious words of his, wherein he hath said, Sin shall not have Dominion over his people; and that he would bruise Satan under their feet, that he would never leave nor forsake them; for which gracious blessed word of his I endeavoured to plead with him this Evening, even upon the account of the full satisfaction the Lord Jesus had made to him, that therefore these blessed words might be made good to my poor soul; as also on the behalf of his servant our dear Pastor, who the eighth of this eighth Month seemed exceeding sad, which came with some power and sense upon my heart at this time beseeching the Lord if he had convinced him of any evil in him, that he would also work it out of him; and if there were any other oppression upon his spirit which was known to him, that he would please to ease, refresh, comfort and fit him for the great work he hath called him to; and also pour out his spirit upon him, that he might have a real and sensible sight of the answers of those desires; and that the Lord would please to direct him what, and how to speak, so as might be to the advantage of every of our souls, who sincerely seek his face and presence: And oh my soul! how graciously did the Lord appear the next day, being his Sabbath, and gave in a gracious answer to these desires, and gave forth far beyond them?  
The 10th. of this 10th. Month, being the Lord's Day, in the morning I sought the Lord for his most special presence in, and with me this day, that he would please to prepare a seasonable useful word for my soul, and prepare my heart to meet with him, that my soul might be enabled to bless and praise his Name for it; and that he would please so eminently to appear, that it might be written among the rewards of his love; yea, that it might come into my soul, even as a special pledge of his love; yea, that he would please to pour out his spirit upon his servant, and appear so eminently through him, as that also he might be enabled to acknowledge it to his praise: And oh my soul! how richly, and abundantly, and fully did the Lord answer all these desires, yea every of them in particular, which were spread before him more at large then I am able to set down! and truly, the answers of them were much more large and full, in which the Lord bowed down greatly, even to the requests also, to do more abundantly than I could ask or think; and so he did begin even as soon I came to the Congregation, filling my heart with great joy and expectation of his mercy from him, even in the Psalm before Sermon; the Psalm sung was Psal. 22. 23. on which my soul joyfully ran out; and so both in Prayer and in Preaching how abundantly did the Lord bow down and refresh my poor spitit, and the spirit of our dear Pastor, who in a most solemn manner again and again blessed the Lord for his appearances both in the dispensation of the Word, & also in the Lord's Supper that was that day administered The Scripture spoken to us was Psal. 45. 7. Thou hatest iniquity; whence he shown, That Christ was lovely to his Saints for hating iniquity: In opening hereof he shown us what hatred was in man, and what it was in Christ, which (as he said) was not an action or passion, but his very nature and will, which putteth forth all his other Excellencies, as his Power and his Wisdom, etc. to repel all that is contrary to his Nature and Will, which he further opened at large, showing us, That all the object of Christ's hatred was only sin, which is truly evil, men hate that which they apprehend evil; but Christ's hatred is properly neither against men or Angels, but only against sin, and man only as he is under the power of sin; and this hatred maketh him repel that which he hateth with all his power, putting out all his Excellencies to the uttermost, either for the destruction of sin in us, or of us: Thus Christ loved the nature of man, and took it upon him; yet when this love was turned into hatred by reason of the overpowering of sin, which fighteth against the life of Christ; and when this love of his comes to turn to hatred, the hatred is the greater. Now that Christ hateth sin, appears both in the work of Redemption and Rejection: In the work of Redemption when he comes to suppress sin in us, he seemeth by this action to speak in this manner, Rather than sin shall live in thee. I will die: my blood shall rather go for it. So in the Rejection, the hatred of Christ shall kindle the fire of Hell about them: But that Christ doth thus hate sin, appears further by these things:  
1. By his deal against it in the Creation; Adam no sooner made but he falls; and so boiling hot was God's hatred against sin, that before he gives him time for repentance, or any parley, he presently goes to his posterity, and passeth judgement upon him and them; Dying thou shalt die, temporally, spiritually, and eternally; and there shall be enmity between thy seed and the woman's, that most of thy seed shall take in with Satan, and perish eternally: How many millions perish upon the account of that one sin? So the Angels they fell presently and irrecoverably, for that one sin of pride, though such glorious creatures, who could do more than thousands of men and might have been so useful to the Church, being spiritual, had they stood, who could immediately comfort when no other creatures could; yea, could have fed Eli ahs and daniel's; yet these for that sin perished eternally.  
2. It appears by the way he taketh to repel it; sin having gotten the Throne, and poor man brought into a perishing condition by it, and not able to oppose it; now Christ hates it, so that the contest now comes between Christ and sin, and he will die to destroy it.  
3. It appears by the dreadfulness of the doom of those that are overpowered by sin, who are judged to eternal fire without pity or recovery  
Than he came to show us how lovely Christ is to the Saints for hating iniquity.  
And O my soul! with what mighty power and weight did this fall upon thy heart? As  
1. He shown us, That Christ's loveliness in this attribute arose from the unanimity and one-ness of mind between Christ and a believer in this hatred of his; for as Christ hateth the sin, but loveth the believer, so the believer hateth iniquity, but loveth Christ; so that the love of both persons centre in one and their hatred in one, and their love meeteth in each others person, and their hatred also; and that Believers hate sin. so that nothing can breed more love than this doth, Christ saith, I hate Iniquity; oh therefore, hate it more ye believers, yea, pursue the life of it; and I appeal to the Lord if I do not hate it with a perfect hatred.  
2. Christ is lovely for hating sin, because this attribute setteth all his attributes on work against all the Enemies of a Believer; the poor soul hateth sin, but is not able to deal with it: but Christ so hateth it, that he is able to conquer it: Oh what a blessed sight of Christ is this! that though the poor soul be overpowered with sin daily, yet that Christ hateth it, and is engaed against it, as hating of him: So that now either Chriist or it must perish: Oh what a lovely sight is this because out of this hatred of Christ comes the ruin of the souls Enemies, Sin and Satan, which seek thy ruin daily: But blessed be God, that Christ hateth them and will certainly ruin them! either he or sin must cown: Oh what comfort is this that we poor creatures have in Christ, that when we come even to struggle with sin and Satan, Christ like fire will consume and burn them? yea, as he shown, this hatred was an act of Christ's will; and if he hath not his Will, where is his Godhead? Therefore the quarrel is between the Will of Christ, and the Will of sin: I will damn thee to Hell, saith sin and Satan: But I will kill thee, O sin and Satan, saith Christ: so as the quarrel is not so much for Believers persons, as for Christ's Will, and Christ will certainly have his will: oh blessed word to my soul!  
3. Christ is lovely in this, because the Saints see the glory of all Christ's other excellencies through this; the wicked see and fall at the dread of Christ's hatred, but see not the justness and righteousness of all Christ's administrations, as the Saints do; they can see the justness and righteousness of Christ in damning of men to Hell for sin; yea, the Saints can behold Christ's love to them in this hatred of sin.  
This 10th. of this Month, being the same Lord's day, in the Evening, while I was endeavouring to bless and praise the Name of this my glorious God, for his eminent appearances this day, which I desire never to forget, it fell upon my heart amongst other things to tell the Lord, That seeing he had cast such a hint upon my heart, that the best thankfulness for mercy received, is to gather in upon God for more mercy: I did therefore desire, That to all his abundant appearances to my soul this day, he would please to add this mercy, which I desired to plead with him for this Evening, That as he had gloriously unvailed through his Word the hatred of my Lord Jesus Christ against sin, that he would now also show its evil by experience, that it might appear that really he doth hate sin, yea every sin in my soul, by his pursuing the life, and drawing out the blood of it; telling him withal, That if any sin were the object of the hatred of my soul, than needs must this corruption of mine in a special manner, being so diametrically opposite to him, as the setting up of any thing or creature in his Throne; yea even at this present wherein he hath so gloriously appeared, that the consolations of God were not small to my soul, they coming with such mighty power, praying him in a special manner to pursue the body of this corruption, and let my soul find, that really it is the object of the hatred of Jesus Christ, and shall certainly be ruined by him.  
Having got a great cold which did somewhat distemper me, I was in a great question whether I should the twentieth of this tenth month go to the Ordinance or no; at last I desired to give it up to the Lord, bseeching him to direct me what to do, desiring only to be led by him: At last I resolved (God willing) to wait upon him this day at Fulham, and as for the next day, let the Lord do with me what he will, whether to fit me to go, or disable me, having many fears upon my spirit concerning my going, whether it were a right and pure aiming at God, and seeking his presence, yea or no, being not able to satisfy myself in this question.  
Thus (I say) desiring the Lords appearances to my soul, and speaking some words to him for my spiritual advantage, I went this day to Fulham, where the Lord shown me what a blessed thing it was to have a sight of God from those words in Matt. 13. Blessed are the eyes that see the things you see; and the ears that hear the things you hear; whence the Lord shown me what an abundant cause I had to bless him for them, those many sights he had given me of himself, when he had left so many in the dark, and never given them one glimpse of himself.  
But being exceeding ill and weary this night, I went to bed betimes, waiting what the Lord would do with me; and truly in the Morning I thought I found myself unfit to go forth, considering also our meeting the next day, which haply the Lord might make me more fit to enjoy; yet I must needs say, I really think the trouble that lay upon my spirit about the straightness of my ends in going, did more discourage me then the unfitness of my body; but what through the one and the other, I durst not go forth this 21. day, and so my Mother and Aunt Dogget only went, and I stayed at home; but when I arose, I found myself pretty well, so as I begun to be somewhat troubled that I had stayed at home, fearing that this may be only a subtle device of Satan to hinder me of this opportunity; and so turning myself to the Lord, I besought him, that if it were he that had this day prevented me, that he would please to make it up to my soul some other way, by hinting out something by his Spirit to my heart that might be for my spiritual advantage and truly, whiles I was endeavouring to press this upon the Lord, immediately after there fell this apprehension upon my heart (or rather the Lord was pleased to to drop it) which was this: Oh Lord! how comes it to pass that my soul being so exceedingly taken with any spark of thy gloous Image in poor mortal creatures should at the present rebel and murmur at thy holy and blessed will, which is part of thy essential glory? if the sight of thy image be so pleasing to me, why then is not the sight of thy will, which is thyself, much more glorious than the Rays of thine that shine upon thy creatures? why is not this as pleasing, as delightful, and contentful to me? which hint I could not but look upon as a real answer of this desire, the Lord make it of use to me, I am sure it was such a consideration and meditation, that if the Lord will but please to set it home with power, may be of abundant advantage to my wicked spirit: The Lord in mercy for Christ's sake make it so.  
The 22. of this tenth month, being a day appointed for our Church-Meeting, I earnestly besought the Lord, That if he saw it meet to carry me forth this day, he would also go along with me, and vouchsafe his gracious presence to me, in speaking some seasonable word to my poor soul that might appear even to come from himself; begging also his presence in and through all these his instruments, which he should please to make use of this day.  
And O my soul, how gloriously was the Lord pleased to appear this day in cheering and refreshing thy poor drooping spirit! even so as thou wert not able to continue thyself in this wonderful appearance of God, casting them upon so suitable a word, even to the estate of my poor soul at this present? and that Scripture our brother O●… began with, and was after pursued sweetly by our dear pastor, was the 73 ●sa.  
The End of the Third Book.   
FINIS.