John Webb, alias, Hopbodeeboody's LAST Will and Testament.  
Who departed this Life at his Nurse's House in Turn-Mill-street, in the 85th. year of his Age.  
With his Pretty Exploits, Character, Say, and Epitaph.  
Printed for Richard Rosse, in the Year, 1674.   

Hopbodeebody's last Will and Testament, etc.  
THe Famous Hopodeeboody, (whose Life we now intent to Write; for the Information of the present and future Ages, and divers other good causes and valuable Considerations) was by birth a true Cockney, for so the Poet resolves the point. 
Right Cockneys are all those whose Birth is found,  
Where twanging Clapper of Bow-Bell doth sound.   
He sprouted out of the Parsley-bed, and drew his first breath on this Globe of Mortality in Thames-street near Broken-wharf, a place where you may very Comodiously be Landed from Cuckold's haven, and thence take Water again to rights for the Bench in Southwark. His Nativity happened in the Year 1589. We would give you the Scheme, but are loath to deprive the Body of Astrology of so proper an Ornament. However, we find by it and a little Algebra, that 'tis now above fourscore and five years ago since his Patents made use of the means to beget him, and truly in that terrible sullen blustering year eighty eight (when the Spaniard came with an Invincible Armado laden with Shovels and Pickaxes to fling all England into the Sea) it was very comendably done of this honest couple to be so kind one to another, and mind the work of Generation, some affirm that his Mother when she was big with him was almost frighted out of her wits by her Husbands going to Tilbury Camp, which by the power of Imagination made such an impression on the child, that he never had the perfect use of reason. True it is, that Mercury combust retrograde and inpitted degrees (bogs of Heaven as one of his Cousins calls them) shows weakness in the Intellectuals, but there is a critical minute for every one to be happy, and Jupiter dignified in the 10th. assures us, that if he had not been ou● of the way, he might have been one of Tumble-down-Dick's Privy council.  
He was a thriveing lusty child, till about seven or eight years of Age, at which time by misfortune he happened to fall into the fire, which burned and disfigured him very much, and from thenceforwards he appeared more and more like a Natural in his actions and deportment.  
Some years after this both his father and mother died one soon after the other; whilst they lived, they had all things comfortably about them, he being by Trade a Lime-man and she a Laundress; but after their decease their poor Orphan John Web, (for that was our Hopbodeeboody's right Name) Being looked upon as a shiftless creature, is put out to a Nurse to look after him by the Parish; With whom he had not been long, but an odd accident happens, which proved not a little to his damage at present, and all his Nurse's loss in the sequel. Being one day wand'ring abroad, a charitable Gentleman comisserating his deplorable simplicity gave him a groat, which he being overjoyed at, [for fools are generally fond of money, and indeed 'tis a shrewd sign of one to be so] runs with it home and shows it to his Nurse, who thinking it too much for any body to give him, fancied he had stolen it, and in that conceit would needs go to whip him, who having eat very liberally that morning of peas-porridge, and thereby got a violent looseness, no sooner had she got up his coats, and made his Breech smart, but fear opening his postern-gate, discharged a whole shovelful of Marmalade into the old Woman's chaps, half an hours respite she was forced to take to wipe her mouth, and clear her eyes, but then shen came upon him more fierce than before, and now it seems all his Ammunition was spent, so that being wholly at her mercy, she whipped him beyond all measure. 
The cruel Hag so flogged his Buttocks Brawny.  
She mixed the purple Gore with squittered Tawny.   
So sore for a long time were his Haunches, that he could never forget it, for from thenceforth to his dying day he would never take any money save Farthings and Halfpences; and if any body proffered him a piece of silver he would not touch it, but run away, and cry: No Groat, no Groat, Nurse Hipped me once for taking a Groat; so that he counted all silver, Groats, and never begged but in this stile. Pay for Dod's sake gi' me one Fardin toten.  
When he was about eighteen years of Age, in a very hard frost, seeing great numbers of boys sliding and hopping upon the Ice at the sides of the Thames, honest silly Jack would needs make one, but as he was hopping very pleasantly to the great divertisement of the spectators, The Ice on a sudden broke, and in dropped Peel-garlick all but the head, where he looked like a Monkey, doing penance, or a Prick-eared fool holding forth in a Bucking-Tub, but roared so loud one might have heard high beyond Highgate, till at last he was taken out, and because he seemed new Christened after the dippers mode, a new name was bestowed upon him, for since this disaster was occasioned by hopping, and that none of his body, but his head could be seen, when he was in, an Arch Pickled Rogue that stood by, calls him Hopodeeboody, a Word whose strange sound took extremely amongst the Boys and rabble: insomuch that he came generally to be called so all his life time, so that the very children were wont to sing up and down the streets. 
Hopbodeeboody with his long Locks,  
Out of the Pillery, into the Stocks.   
Others say that being much addicted to hopping in his youth, but so unfortunate, that he always tumbled down with it, people called at first hoping Booby, which in time by corruption became Hopodeeboody, but which is the true Etymology we must refet to the Antiquaries to determine and proceed.  
By this time Hopodeeboody was attained to a legal age of 21. though not to the years of discretion, and being now in his prime he plays a trick which we may well call his Masterpiece, coming one day in the Winter to Trigg-stairs, gazing on the River which was then at High-water, so near, that a strong lusty Waterman fearing he would tumble in, to frighten him takes him up in his Arms, and shook him over the water as one would a child, telling him he would drown him, and ask often, Can you swim, sirrah, can you swim. Which made Hopbody cry out monstrously, but being set down safe, he continues sneaking thereabouts, still meditating a Revenge, at last seeing that Waterman stand on the stairs heedlessly with his back towards him, he comes slily behind him, and with a sudden thrust cants him into the Thames, crying aloud to him when he was in. Can you whim, can you whim. And so laughing hoped away as fast as he could. This is so fa● from being any fiction, that there is scarce an Ancient Waterman on the River but will justify it: several were present, by the same token one that was going to Launch just as the fellow fell in, cried, Pox on him, he was made such a hole in the Thames I know not how to get my Boat out.  
He continued there with several Nurses till the time of the great Fire, and then was removed to a Nurse near Clarkenwell, where Jack adam's and he had divers interviews, and sometimes Wars like to be proclaimed, till their mediating Nurses composed all sudes with half a dozen of nappy Ale, being so very old he grew almost quite blind of late, and after a tedious sickness departed this life at his Nurses in Turn-Mill-street, from whence his body was conveyed in a Coach down to Broken-Wharf, and there entered in the Churchyard belonging to that parish.   

Hopbodeeboody's last Will and Testament.  
To all and singular the College of fools, whether Naturals, Changelings, Popps, Bubbles, Wiseacres, Codle-brains, Shuttle-skulls, Half-wits, Simpletons, Ninnihamers, or others that shall buy these presents Hopbodeeboody of Turn-Mill-street Gentleman sendeth greeting.  
KNow ye that I the said Hopboddeboody, being wearied with carrying about an useless bundle of bones for above fourscore years together, and being now of as sound and disposing memory as I use to be, do make this my last Will and Testament in manner and form following. Imprimis I bequeath my body to the Pit-hole to be decently buried in Flannel, to prevent my catching cold for the future, and a Whip in my hand to keep away the roguish Worms from devouring me. Item my Muckendars, Bibbs, Half-shirts, & all other Linen of my wardroab I be queath to my dearly beloved Nurse to supply her with Lint and Tinder. Item my Manor of Foolsbury Hall in the parish of St. Senseless, I bequeath to the corporation of Gotham and their successors for ever. Item I give all my Tenements in Knave and Fool Court, to the people called Quakers, on condition that they shall maintain Lactures thrice a Week, in praise of folly, at their sanctified new Theatre by Gracious street. Item to all, & every person, or persons that shall refuse Money when they may have it that shall be ashamed to kiss a Wench the like, because she is fine, or will believe a Woman when she swears to her dying husband that she will never marry again, I give and bequeath all my Honours and Title of Hopbodeeboody to remain to them and their heirs for ever. Item I make my trusty friend John Hart, Knight of the Draw-Cart, and innocent Luke Executor of this my last Will and Testament, and give and bequeath to them the sum of one pound to be received out of my personal Estate when they shall respectively arrive at the Age of discretion, published, declared, and sealed with a Farthing token, and Kitchinstuff, this first Day of April. 1674.   

His Character.  
HOpbodeeboody was a creature that nature made in a a Hurry, and so turned him over to fortune, who only took care to keep him from starving, alleging he had not Knavery enough to be preferred with the rest of her Children, he was freer by far of his blessings than the Pope is, for he would bestow them at any time for a fardin token: his beard spoke him a Philosopher, but his Muckender proclaimed him thrice a child. However the young Wenches loved him mightily, first because 'tis more natural to them to love fools then wise men, for like loves its like, secondly because he returned them their own wishes, and said those prayers aloud in the streets, that they are always muttering in their closerts, that God would send them handsome Rich lusty Husbands, fine , good victuals, strong drink, long sleeps, and no work. He would eat buttered Fish with both hands at once, and cared not how dear Wine was if he might but have a Gallon of Ale for a morning's Draught, he hated nothing but small beer and a Groat, and known no Authority or punishment beyond his Nurse's Wand, whilst he lived he and she were inseparable Companions in the Day, whatever they were in the night, and so fit one for another, that 'tis pity and thing but a grave should part them.   


Hopbodeebody's Sayings.  
I'ITEMe tell you a good Jest,  
I had not thought,  
Say she, say she,  
And so says he,  
Yours more than my own,  
Are you there with your Bears thought I,  
Cry Mercy I took you for a Joynt-stool;  
Spend and God will send,  
I beg your Diversion Sir.  
'Tis better to buy off an Enemy than reward a friend,  
Images are Itemay-mens' books.  
She called you a whore, but did she say, she would prove you a whore?  
Farewell and be hanged that's twice good buy.  
Your humble Trout Sir.    

His Epitaph.  
REader! under this heap of stones,  
Lies old Hopbodeeboody's bones,  
Who always begged for farthing token,  
And with good Ale was always soaken:  
Long time he lived, enough to see,  
Most men do sillier things than he:  
But now he's gone, 'tis ne'er the worse,  
For any Iknow but his Nurse.  
Yet still to her his love appears,  
For all his Bibbs and Muckenders,  
He left to her as Legacies.  
Wherewith to dry her blubered eyes.   
FINIS.