THE PROJECTORS. A Comedy  
By, John Wilson.  
Aetatemhabet, ipse de se loquatur.  
Imprimatur, Roger L'Estrange. Jan. 13. 1664.  
LONDON, Printed for John Playsere, at the White Lion, in the Upper Walk of the New Exchange; And William Crook, at the Three Bibles on Fleet-Bridge. 1665.   

PROLOGUE.  

IT is so hard to please, when things must be  
Mouldy with Age, or gilt with Novelty;  
That, in effect, 'tis but a Cross, or Pile,  
In all that's written, whether well, or ill:  
Nor have we ventured on this liberty,  
That we suspect your judgements— no— they're free;  
Free, as that Reason that informed 'em first,  
And, were those common clogs of Interest  
Once shaken off, would be the same again;  
What shall I say?— shall I entre at ye then?  
A poor inducement!— If ye will not do't,  
Out of good Nature, let me bribe ye to't:  
I— now ye harken— But mistake me not;  
We give no money back— That were a plot  
Upon ourselves— Yet we've as good a shift;  
Ye that would learn to thrive, we'll teach ye Thrift;  
And ye that would get more— Why faith— for you,  
We have— The Lord knows what— new Projects too;  
And you '— I forget myself— To run too far,  
May chance to cloy ye, ere you see your fare.    

The Persons  

Sir Gudgenon Credulous. A Projecting Knight, Suitor to Mrs. Codsgood.  
Jocose. A Courtier.  
Ferdinand. His Son.  


Suckdry. An Usurer. 

All in for Projects.    
Squeeze. An Exchange Broker.  
Gotam. A Citizen.    
Driver. Jocose's Servant.  
Lean chops. Suckdrie's Servant.  
Servant.   

Mrs. Godsgood. A Widow.  
Mrs. Gotam. Wife to Gotam.  
Mrs. Squeeze. Wife to Squeeze.  
Nancy. Suckdry's Daughter.   
The Scene LONDON.   

THE Projectors.  

ACT. I.  

SCAENA. I.  Enter Suckdry, solus, (as coming from a Journey.) Suck. 
NOw send that all things be well at home,— But troth, I half doubt it, my mind so misgives me:— It could not be for nothing sure, that the Rats eat a hole in my pocket last night, and a Crow kept scraping, and kawing at me this morning:— uh— my fears are out,— This Rogue has given me the slip, and is run away with my cloak bag.—  Enter Lean-chops with a cloak-bag under his arm. 
Oh Lean-chops!— art thou come—  
I profess thou didst half fright me,— This London is so villainous a wide place, I was afraid I had lost thee, and must have been at the charge of crying thee;— Art thou come Rogue?  Lean. 
As you see Sir:— But it seems, must thank this, for your care and my welcome:— And yet I'll undertake it might have leapt safe on a Dunghill, for any thing that's in't.  Suck. 
Away sirrah,— I have often told you of your surly proud heart,— sirrah, sirrah, he that scorns a little, shall never be master of a great deal;— No more I say, but stand forth, and le's see whether we have lost any thing by the journey.—  He takes out a Roll, and reads. 
Lazarus Suckdry! (— I God wot, a poor man— as poor as Lazarus!— I must be contended,—) Here I am:— Zachary Lean-chops!  Lean. 
Here sir.  Suck. 
'Tis well,— Lets on:— Item, one horse,— three shoes and a half,— two stirrups,— one saddle,— one bridle,— one girth,— one crupper, and half a saddle-cloth.  Lean. 
All safe and forthcoming.  Suck. 
Very well,— observe,— one doublet with a new pair of Foreskirts,— one pair of Breeches with a blue Codpiece Point,— one pair of Stockings,—  Lean. 
Without feet Sir.—  Suck. 
No matter, no matter,— 'Tis not seen,— one pair of Boots,— one Spur, and Spur-leather,— one pair of Gloves,— one Basket-hilt sword,— one Girdle-hanger,— one Hat,— one Band,— one Coat,— one jump,— and one switch.—  Lean. 
All in view.  Suck. 
Item, In the cloak-bag,— one Session's Suit and Cloak,— one pair of blue Stockings, with orange coloured garters, and roses,— Three shoes,— one Comb, with five teeth,— one razor,— half a washing ball, and a piece of a Glass,— let me see, is it fast?— all safe?— ha?—  Lean. 
As you left it:— He deserves to to be damned after it, that would venture a hanging by stealing any of't:  [Aside. Suck. 
Come Lean-chops, come,— This place is a little too public,— We'll look over the rest when we come home.  Lean. 
Unless we chance to meet a Ragman by the way; and then— Rags to Rags, and Rubbish to Rubbish. [Aside  Suck. 
Follow me,— and have a care,— Here comes a couple.—  Enter Joeose Driver. 
One does not know what they may do.— Have a care, I say,— Have a care.—  Joc. 
Mr. Suckdry!— Your servant,— welcome to Town:  Suck. 
Thank you good Sir,— uh,— uh,— he believes I have money in my Cloak-bagge,— would I were well rid of him. [Aside walking.  Jo. 
How do you?— you do not look well,— let me give you a glass of wine;— 'twill comfort your heart.  Suck. 
Wine!— uh— uh— I dare not,— my Doctor tells me 'tis naught for me.— I was right:— He thinks I have got money, and would make me drunk, to steal my Cloak-bag,— uh— uh.  [Aside. Jo. 
Come,— it shall cost you nothing.  Suck. 
Another time,— uh,— uh,— This Rogue Lean-chops has smelled 〈◊〉 my gold at home, and told him where it lies buried.— uh,— uh.— [Aside.  Jo. 
What ails you Sir.  Suck. 
Uh,— uh,— sick,— A sit of the Colic.— I must home.  Jo. 
But perhas I have somewhat to say to you, may deserve your stay:— You have a daughter?  Suck. 
A poor Girl God wot,— What of her?  Jo. 
Call her not poor— she that is virtuous, and handsome, is rich enough.  Suck. 
Ah Sir,— But every man is not of your opinion— Alas poor child! she wants a Portion:— There's something else required, besides virtue, and handsomeness.— This, may bring admirers, that, sweetheart's, but 'tis money, money that gets the husband.  Jo. 
Let not that trouble you:— I have a Son, and though I say it, a handsome fellow; One, that throw him where you will, shall live in the world.  Suck. 
But I can give nothing with my daughter,— poor wench, She's a right Philosopher; She carries all she has about her:— Good Sir do not abuse our Poverty,— uh,— uh.—  Jo. 
Nor do I:— Here's my hand, I'm in earnest:— What say you?  Suck. 
I have told you already:— she has no money:  Jo. 
And I have answered it:— Shall we bring 'em together?  Suck. 
For that, as you please,— you know her Portion,— uh,— uh:— I am sick, and cannot stay to talk it longer now:— Farewell Sir,— This is a Trap to catch my gold,— But he may be mistaken,— Old Rats are not so easily taken, as young Cats think,— uh,— uh: [Aside] [Exeunt Suck-Lean.  
Jocose, Farewell:— my Son and I'll see you within a few days.  Dri. 
But (with your leave Sir) I hope you are not in earnest.  Jo. 
No?— But I am:— And if I can but compass it, shall think it the best days work I ever yet did in my life:— This fellow (as poor as he seems) tell him but of a good Mortgage shall lend you ten thousand pound upon't, at a day's warning; and yet would have the world believe him to be a poor man: And such, in troth he is, since he dares not enjoy what he has: for (O my Conscience) were he now sick in earnest, he would rather die, to save charges, then be at the expense of a Glister.  Dri. 
A man would wonder at it,— Yet such I've heard of.  Jo. 
But beyond him, I think few:— I have had this design in my head a long time, and made him many a Mortgage, and kept touch with him at his day, merely to beget an opinion in him that I had great dealings in the world; when yet I have found enough to do, to keep my head above water.  Dri. 
Do not despair Sir:— But think how I may be serviceable to you, and see what I'll do,— A Mountebanck's Zany, shall not be at more command, nor half so nimble, as I'll be industrious.  Jo. 
I do believe thee, and perhaps may have occasion to try you sooner than you think of it:  Dri. 
Never too soon; nor nothing too much to serve so good and bountiful a Master:  Jo. 
Well then, to be serious,— I have a great while gone the plain downright honest way, but I find, that begets nothing, but laughter; And therefore, I'm even resolved to follow the rest of the world, That is to say, feed the humours of fools, and if they will set up windmills in their heads, contribute my assistance to cut out the sails;— When saw you Sir Gudgenon Credulous?  Dri. 
Very lately;— But so big with contemplation, there was no coming near him,— 'Tis true, he cried, How does your Master?— Remember me to him,— Gave me the State Nod,— and Exit.  Jo. 
'Tis such a Political Hocus! such a Frippery of Shreds, and parings, that I can liken him to nothing better, than a Tailor's Cushion; no two pieces of the same colour:— To day this, to morrow, that, the next, a third thing, But what that is, no man knows; 'tis past all men's understanding, and his own too; for (to speak truth) he never had more, than a man might well truss up in an Eggshell, and room to spare: in a word, I may say of him (as 'tis said of Nature, concerning Monsters) He was produced, not intended.  Dri. 
Nor have you mistook your Character— I have known him A Mathematician, a Pol, a Stargazer, a Quack, a Chaldean, a Schoolman, a Philosopher, an Ass, a broken Grammarian, and most abominable Poet, and yet sick of all, but the Ass: and now at last (if I mistake him not) a most confident, ignorant Projectour.  Jo. 
And that, he may thank me for,— I saw he was past the remedy of a Mortar, and if I should have pretended to a miracle, to have reduced him, 'twould have been hardly believed; And therefore I even let him alone, and as I saw occasion, worked him to my own purpose:— me thinks you might be useful to me in't.  Dri. 
And will:— I am your servant, command it;  Jo. 
Here dwells hard by, one Mistress Gods-good, a rich Widow, to whom I have made some long pretences; nor had they been (as I am told) altogether successless, if this Coxcombs Estate had not hung in my light:— she believes him what he is, an Ass, but yet a golden Ass, and cry's, that's enough to cover his other faults: Now could I flay him of that fine skin, I need not trouble myself to make him ridiculous, and consequently, do mine own work.  Dri. 
And truly he's in a fair way to't.— And now give me leave to tell you, you could have thought of nothing wherein I could have served you better.  Jo. 
I know thou hast been bred a Scholar, and thy invention not ill:— But canst thou Cant?  Dri. 
How think you Sir,— Suppose I should tell him I had studied the Emporeuticks, Lemnicks, Camnicks, and Plegnicks, could demonstrate the Minimum quod sit, of Homocrecious, and Heterocrasious; and stripping Materia Prima to her smock, discover the most private recesses, and occult qualities, of Ignicadrillica, Metallorgonica, Euricatactica, and Hydropanta pressoria, Do you believe (I say) he would be able to understand more of it, than I do myself, which is just nothing? If you call this Canting, let me alone with him.  Jo. 
Excellent!— Then to subdivide 'em into as undemonstrable (yet seemingly probable) Projects,— We shall make such sport!  Enter Ferdinand. Dri. 
And get good money I warrant you Sir,— But see! my young Master,— yet me thinks not so merry at heart as we are.  Jo. 
Now Nando!— What news with you:— Thou art as spruce, as if thou hadst been with thy young Widow, yet look'st as heavy, as she had turned thee to lead:— How goes it?  Fer. 
Why faith Sir, I just came from her.  Jo. 
And what?— How did she receive thee?  Fer. 
So, so,— The City way,— But at last I had laughed her into a pretty good humour, till (as the Devil would have it) in dropped her Uncle, and quite dampt all, with a noise of Jointures, and I know not what, A disease, I think I shall be last troubled with:— To be short, she did in effect tell me, she was handsome, and would never marry, but to better her Fortune.  Jo. 
Let her go, let her go;— If thou wilt not be wanting to thyself, I le put thee upon a better, and one that shall never cheat thee by pretending to be richer than she is; for in a word, she is not worth one groat.  Fer. 
What do you mean Sir?  Jo. 
A good wife, and (for aught I ever heard) may make a virtuous wife.  Fer. 
No ready money Sir?— me thinks, half one half another's, were somewhat like:  Jo. 
Let not that trouble you:— Her Father is rich, very rich, and has no other child to leave his Estate to, and shall rather put her off, to an ordinary Fortune, with nothing, then give an hundred pound, to marry her to the best Estate in London.  Fer. 
And who may this be good Sir?  Jo. 
Old Suckdry's daughter.  Fer. 
I could like it well:— But how is it to be done?  Jo. 
Not, with that tossing Feather, Lewd Peruwig, Laced Band, Flaunting Linen, Embroidered Belt, wide Slops, Shop of Ribbons, and vile Porte-canons.  Fer. 
Why Sir, you have seen them all before:  Jo. 
Nor am I angry with thee, for doing as other people do,— no,— I had rather have thee comport thyself to every man's humour:— With old men, severe; with young, jocund; with the humoursome, morose; with women, galliard; with thy companions, pleasant; and with a niggardly Rascal, more sordid than himself; at least, appear so;— And so would I have thee treat this fellow.  Fer. 
If that were all, I could easily follow your directions.  Jo. 
And you may not repent it:— Go,— be ruled by me;— Strip all this trumpery,— 'tis enough to fright him:— should he see thee now, he'd swear the feathers were more worth than the Bird:— Go I say, and get me some little odd hat, but quite out of fashion; a diminutive Band, no cuffs, hair shorter than your eyebrows, at most, not beyond your ears, close breeches, greasy Gloves, Gresham Shoes, Leather Shoe-tyes, and for your Cloak, no matter if it be of another Parish, he'll like it the better.  Fer. 
My acquaintance would laugh at me.  Jo. 
Get thou the money, and laugh at them boy:— Then for your discourse,— get me together all the base, ill, sordid tricks of a covetous wretch, and deliver them as morals;— wonder at the ignorance of the age that knows not those honest thrifty Rules, or if it do, its shame in not practising them.  Fer. 
Well Sir, I see you are in earnest,— and for once I'll try what I can do:— But I doubt—  Jo. 
Do— and ne'er doubt it:— about it straight, while 'tis hot, and leave the rest to me.  Fer. 
You have commanded, and I shall not dispute:— But if I bring it to pass, I may well swear, miracles are not ceased.  [Exit. Jo. 
Come— let's be gone,— thou knowest the plague's in the City, and if I stay longer, 'tis odds but I may be infected.  Enter Sir Gudgenon Credulous. Dri. 
I hope Sir, you do not fear Sir Gudgenon Credulous?  Jo. 
O no,— he's a good preservative against it.  Dri. 
I told you he was as big as he could hold,— Do you not observe Sir, how hard he wrings his brows, to the manifest hazard of disblocking his Peruwig?— Will you not speak to him?  Jo. 
Presently,— let's view him a little.  Sir Gud. 
It must take without doubt, and the profit be infinite,— No man knows what:— But for the manner of doing it:— This way?— No— It may be certain, but 'tis too far about the bush.— That way?— No:— for though it be the shorter cut, we may yet be too hasty in the experiment.— T'other way?— Neither,— the charge will be too vast:— Hang charge, we shall quickly fetch't up again,— All I fear is, The thing will be so considerable, it may chance to be begged from us; and against that, there's no other fence, but to swear 'tis worth nothing— That was well thought on.— Then after this, comes my Widow— I shall be but too rich— one Jupiter! there could be no less than then ten Jupiter's, Lords of my Nativity.  Jo. 
Sir Gu. Credulous!— save you!— I see there's hopes of the business you mind it so well.— Have you made any experiment?  Sir Gud. 
Yes.— But I do not find it altogether answer expectation:— However, 'tis but early days yet.  Jo. 
Pray be very curious in it, and Driver (to whom I have committed the management of my interest) shall assist you: I must tell you, he's no ordinary Artist.  Sir Gu. 
Better and better— then he has seen it?  Dr. 
Seen it Sir!— If I should tell your Worship all I have seen, I should despair of the work, 'twould so put you out of patience.  Sir Gu. 
Good Driver!— and how? and when?  Dr. 
Did not I tell you, you would not have patience?— Good sir let things do themselves:— one minutes over-hast, is enough to put us a twelvemonth back:— for it fares here as with the Philosopher's Stone, the least error in the work, and we must begin all anew.  Sir Gu. 
Honest Mr. Driver— I will be ruled.—  Enter Gotam, a Note book under his arm. Got. 
'Tis he— I have his name here fast in my Book in good black and white.— Let me see— E, F, G, H, I, I, J—Jo, Jo, Jo— Jocose— Here 'tis— Jocose— pag. 150. Mr. Jocose for himself and Wife— 108 l. 7 s. 9 d. ob.— A good round sum, would I had it, I could be content to bate him the single money.  Jo. 
But hark you Driver— Thou seest this Pagan Cousin of mine, and know'st his business;— prithee put him off with some whim or other.  Dr. 
I warrant you sir,— leave him to me.  Jo. 
Cousin! your servant— I was just sending my man to speak with you, but he knows the business, and can tell't you, as well as myself.— Come Sir Gudgeon— ay le wait on you.  Exeunt Sir Gu. and Jocose. Got. 
Your servant sir— I thank you.  Dr. 
Now Mr. Gotam, you may see what 'tis to have a Friend at Court— You thought, I warrant, my Master had forgotten you.  Got. 
Why, truly sir, this money has been due a pretty while;— long before his Wife died, I am certain.  Dr. 
No more of that.— Suppose he put you on a business shall make you for ever,— And be worth ye:— thou hast hardly faith enough to believe, what!  Got. 
Aa!— good Mr. Driver.— As how I pray?  Dr. 
Why thus,— my Master, you know, has great friends, and therefore doubts not, but by their assistance to procure a Patent of Privilege, to engross a business solely to himself.— I must confess it will scarce amount to more than a Copyhold Project.—  Got. 
What do you mean by that?  Dr. 
That is to say, it will not exceed Ten Thousand pound a year,— and I can assure you, if ever there were an ingenious Invention, 'tis this,— and in this my Master intends to take you in with him, and let you go what share you please.— You shall do no worse than himself.  Got. 
Ah sir, my Cousin is an honest Gentleman, and I have had long experience of his love:— How do ye call it?  Dr. 
'Tis an Ignicke, Hydre●icke, and Hydroterricke invention, consisting of Heat without Fire or Smoke: and certainly, Nature and Art, melted down into the same body, could not produce such another Diacat helicon, that shall equally serve to all purposes; Roast, Bake, Boil, Wash, Brew, dry Malt, Hops, Wheat, Oats, and generally every thing else (as I told you before) without the help of Fire or Smoak:— Now sir, you know the business, and may consider of it.  Got. 
Consider!— I apprehend it already, and find it too great to be dallied with:— Why it will destroy all the Woodmongers upon the River, and reduce them to their first Dung-boats again.— How have you done touching the charge?  Dr. 
Truly you have hit upon one of the main points,— and part of the reason why my Master made you privy to it;— for as on one hand, we must take in some Sharers to lessen the charge, so on t'other, it behooves us to consider how many we may admit, for fear of diminishing the profits.  Got. 
Most true— we'll carry't on between ourselves:— It will fall to my turn to be Churchwarden this next year, and then I shall have the Custody of the Parish Stock, if that will serve you, command it,— we shall be able (I hope) to fetch it up again before my time be out.  Dr. 
By much:— But the business is now on foot, and must not stand still for fear of spoiling; and therefore we must be provided of present money; because, you know, some fees must be scattered among Servants and Clerks, and some other will go to making of Trials,— things will not come without charge.  Got. 
You say right,— and now I think on't, I may be able to bring in my Neighbour Squeeze, the Exchange Broker, and by his means old Mr. Suckdry, and Mrs. Godsgood; there's money enough at an hours warning, if one could tell how to get it.  Dri. 
Pray about it, and I'll see you tomorrow;— if you go forth leave word where I may find you.— Farewell,— I must follow my Master,— the Knight and he are gone to see a proof of what I told you. Exit Dri.  Got. 
Farewell,— but Mum.— Certain I rise with the right end upward to day, I have had such good luck;— I shall be an Alderman I see, in spite of all three-half penny Stars:— I think a Brass-jack-line would hang as well o'my shoulders as on another man's;— certain it must.— But see— my Wife.—  Enter Mistress Gotam. 
This Hyterridinctido will be news to her,— i'faith will it.— Sweet heart!— well met.  Mrs. Got. 
I had as lief ha'found you at home;— the main chance goes well forward in the mean time, and you never in your Shop:— God held! a Beggar I found thee, and a Beggar thou'lt leave me.  Got. 
Nay Wife,— I have good news for thee,— I have been with my Cousin.  Mrs. Got. 
And has he paid you the money?— I am sureed has been due ever since my first Husband's time.  Got. 
'Tis sure enough,— not too hasty Wife,— we are beholding to him,— you know he took notice of me at Court, showed you the Privy Lodgings, got you a place at the Play, gave you a Bottle of the King's Wine, and a Court Tart, and sends us Venison twice in a season Wife.—  Mrs. Got. 
Better he had sent his money, and I could have got t'other myself;— marry gipp,— this is one of your old excuses; you think you have got a Wife can maintain you, and now forsooth you must walk like a Gentleman:— Sirrah, sirrah, look out and mind your business, or I'll make you look out.  Got. 
Good faith I do.  Mrs. Got. 
Yes— among your Gills too much:— what was that you said to our maid another's night in the Kitchen, when you thought I was a bed?— I heard you,— you might have come up a pair of stairs higher if you had pleased;— I don't wonder now she's lost her stomach.  Got. 
This is nothing but thy jealous head.  Mrs. Got. 
Jealous!— Come up here!— You can be merry enough abroad, when you are amongst your flirts, but at home you're as sad and lumpish as a Gibbed Cat;— I can tell you the reason,— Thou art sad because thou canst not bury me:— I half doubt the Ratsbane you bought another's day was not altogether for the Rats:— Do you understand that, Gentleman?  Got. 
Not I in troth.  Mrs. Got. 
No, you won't,— you can understand your Gossips well enough.— 'Tis a fine thing, you must be perpetually hopping after them; and I forsooth! I cannot walk in the fields with a Friend,— but whoop! the house is too little for you.— My first Husband was another kind of man; my finger could not ache but he I woos!— nothing was too good for me.— When will you say, Dear wife, Honey wife, Sugar wife, how dost thou? dost want any thing? wouldst have a new Gown? go abroad? walk to Islington? see the Bears?— Go whither thou wilt; do what thou hast a mind to,— I am not jealous:— Here was a Husband! [She cries.  Got. 
Prithee have done,— I told thee I had been with my Cousin, and have good news for thee.  Mrs. Got. 
As what I warrant?  Got. 
What!— Such as shall make thee a Lady within this Twelvemonth:— My Cousin and I are engaged in a business cannot be less worth than Fifteen Thousand Pound a Year honestly:— Now Wife!— where's your Loving Husband?  Mrs. Got. 
Whatever I say in my passion, thou art— 'Tis but only to make the better.— But hark ye my dear,— shan't we not keep a Coach then?  Got. 
A Coach!— Yes,— and Eight Horses,— and our Country House new built.— Come— follow me, and I'll tell thee the rest within, which I would have thee communicate to your friend Mrs. Godsgood, and bring her in for a share, while I do the same to my Neighbour Squeeze the Exchange Broker:— Come—  Mrs. Got. 
Any thing good Husband,— I'll be thy best Wife.  — Exeunt.   

ACT. II.  

SCAENA. 1.  Enter Lean-chops (solus.) Lean. 
Well— o'my Conscience there was never so unluckey a fellow as myself;— Service do you call it? Certainly, if Damnation be only Poena Sensus, that were a fitter name for it:— Here I live with a Master that has Wealth enough; But so fearful, sad, pensive, suspicious a fellow, that he disquiets both himself, and every one else.— Art (I have heard say) has but Seven Liberal Sciences, but he has a Thousand Illiberal.— There lives not a more base, nigarly, unsatiable Pinch penny, nor a more gaping, griping, Polling, extorting, devouring Cormorant:— A sponge sucks not up faster, and yet a Pumice gives back easier.— The sign is always with him in the Clutches; and a Kites Pouncke truss not more readily.— He shall watch you a young Heir, as diligently, as a ●aven a dying Horse, and yet swallow him with more tears than a Crocodile.— He never sleeps but he Seals up the Nose of his Bellows, lest they lose breath, and has almost broke his Brains, to find the like device for his Chimney, and his Throat— A Gamester has not studied the advantage of Dice half so much, as he, a sordid Parsimony, which yet he calls Thrift; And will tell you to a Crum, how much difference there is in point of loss, between a hundred dozen of bread broken with the hand, and cut with a knife:— The Devil's in him, and I am as weary of him, as of our last Journey, which both of us performed on the same horse.— As thus,— In the morning (about two hours before him) out gets Peel-Garlick, he joggs after, overtakes me, rides through the next Town, and a little beyond it, leaves Palfry a grazing for me, and marches on himself; in like manner, I get up, overtake him, ride on, and leave him on this side the next Town, and so order our business, that he rides out in the morning, and into the Inn at night, and through every Town by the way. Nor need we fear any man's stealing him: Smithfield at the end of a long Vacation can't show such another Wall-eyed, Crest-fallen, Saddle-backed, Flat-rib d, Gut-foundered, Shoulder-pitcht, Spurgalled, Hip-shotten, Greese-moulten jade; besides Splint, Spavin, Glanders, Farce, String-halt, Sprains, Scratches, Malander, and Windgalls innumerable.— Like the fools Hobby-horse; were it not for the name of a horse, a man had as lief go a foot:— and thus we jog on in grief together.— But hold,— I hear him,— somewhat's s.  Enter Suckdry. Suck. 
Undone, undone,— whither should I run?— whither should I not run?— Stop there,— whom? what? where?— I know not— Lean-chops!  Lean. 
Sir,— what ails you?  Suck. 
Oh— A lost undone man:— what a deal of misery a day brings forth?— I have lost my money, and what should I live longer:— hunger and poverty will be my end.  Lean. 
How much have you lost Sir?  Suck. 
I believe thou know'st as well as I,— Ah— a whole half piece,— Gon, gone, gone; and I undone.— I believe thou hast found it;— open your coat,— Lets see your right hand,— your left hand,— both hands,— your third hand,— vh,— no hopes,— undone undo.  Lean. 
Pray sir search,— perhaps it may be about you— you have many pockets. [They search, and find it in a dirty cloth.  Suck. 
Impossible,— impossibble,— vh!  Lean. 
Why see now,— may not you be ashamed to use me thus, and for nothing too?  Suck. 
Ashamed!— what should a poor man do with shame?— Get in, get in.—  Lean. 
'tis past three of the Clock, and I have eat nothing today.  Suck. 
This Rogue's mind is nothing but his Gut;— A good thrifty servant, that minded his Master's profit, would have gone to the Cooks, and cheapened every joint, tasted all, but bought none, and made a good meal on't.— One would think sirrah, you might not be ashamed to do what your Master has done before you.— Get in, I say, and look to the house.  Lean. 
There's no fear that any one will carry't away, and for any thing in't, there's nothing but Cobwebs.  Suck. 
What's that he mutters? No marvel sirrah, if for your sake I am not made an Alderman!— I will have the Cobwebs preserved, they are good for a cut finger.— Get in I say— How the slave stirs?— If I come to ye, I le mend your Snails pace.  Lean. 
One were better be hanged then endure this life.  Suck. 
How he mumbles the Devils Pater Noster?— Sirrah get in, and stir one foot till I call ye, and thou hast as good have broke thy neck.— So,— He's gone.— Exit. Lean. And I'll go visit my gold:— I am afraid I have spoken in my sleep, or dropped some word or other that may discover it; or that this Rogue has eyes in his Poll, and observed where I buried it,— but if he has, I'll so dig 'em out:— I have reason enough to suspect it— men speak more heartily to me then they were wont; are more free in their salutes; stop, and talk with me; shake me by the hand, ask me how I do, whither I am going, what's my business, if they may serve me, and the like,— nay, Mr. Jocose t'other day would have given me Wine, and preferred his Son should marry my Daughter, without a Portion too!— Ah, Ha,— I do not like when rich men speak kindly to a poor man; they offer bread with one hand, but carry a stone in t'other.— But I lose time,— my gold, my gold:— this must be the place:— All's safe, and I'm alive again:— All hail!—  
[A board sinks, and his bags are discovered. Thou that giv'st form to every thing.— Thou sun of life,— Thou Guardian that protect'st us;— Thou Regent of the world, that disposest's all things as thou best pleasest's and without whom, humane society would quickly fall in pieces:— For whatever else may be called the Girdle, I am sure thou art the Buckle that hold st it together.— There— rest in peace my better [He covers it again. Angels; and while I call ye mine, let the world frown, laugh, point, or hiss, one glance of yours is worth it all; and I shall want nothing, but too few Arms to hug myself:— I shall be courted by every man, welcome every where (at least from the teeth outwards) for in this world, Gold seasons and relishes every thing, and men are received, not for the Asses, but the Goddes' sake.— 'tis like having a handsome Wife, every man is, or would be your Servant.— Hoe! Lean-chops, Lean-chops.  Enter Lean-chops. Lean. 
Your pleasure Sir?  Suck. 
I am going abroad Lean-chops,— shut the door after me, bolt it, and bar it, and see you let no one in, in my absence— Put out the fire (if there be any) for fear some body seeing the smoke may come to borrow some.— If any one come for water, say the Pipe's cut off,— or to borrow a Pot, Knife, Pestle and Mortar, or the like, say they were stole last night.— But hark ye,— I charge ye not to open the door to give them an answer, but whisper't through the keyhole: For I tell you again, I will have no body come into my house while I'm abroad;— No,— no living soul:— Nay though good Fortune herself knocked at door, don't let her in.  Lean. 
she'll have care enough of that herself,— she has been often near us (but I think there is a Cross upon the door) she ne'er came in yet.  Suck. 
Sirrah, sirrah hold your peace and do as I bid you;— 'T would better become you to know more, and speak less:— See it be done.— [Knock within. See who's at door, but let not one in, till you have brought me word.— [Exit Lean-chops. What a misery 'tis to be thought rich,— one or other is perpetually haunting him,— while the poor man yet, is rich in this, that he's troubled with none of it:— He fears neither Thiefs, nor Quartering of Soldiers; he is exempt from rates, and Parish-duties; He sleeps securely without Bolts, and is subject to no man's envy; every man's Trencher is his Table, every place his own Country, and lives in peace with all men, but the Justice, the Constable, and the Beadle.—  Enter Lean-chops. 
How no! Who was't?  Lean. 
Mr. Squeeze, your Exchange Broker— he would said speak with you.  Suck. 
O let him in by all means,— he is a good man, and never comes empty handed,— make haste before he be gone sirrah—  [Exit. 
This Rogue will never learn wit,— one would have thought he had lived long enough with me to have been able to distinguish persons,— I must even discard him,— 'Twill save charges.—  Enter Squeeze, Sir Gudgenon Credulous, Mrs. Gods-good, Gotam. Squeeze. 
I'll show you the way Gentlemen, I have some Interest in my pocket for him, and will pay him that first,— 'twill make him more supple.— I was just coming sir to wait on you with some money that I had received for you, and met with these Gentlemen coming to me about a like business, and I even brought 'em with me.— 'tis— [They whisper.  Suck. 
O they are weleome, they are welcome, and chiefly yourself:— It came in good time, for I profess, I had hardly a groat in the house.  Got. 
How?— Then our business is done already:— what's worse than ill luck? [To Squeeze.  Squeeze. 
Please you to tell it over.— The overplus is for continuance. [He whispers it.  Suck. 
Don't speak so loud,— I understand you. [Goes aside & counts it.  Squeeze. 
Let him alone a while,— let him handle the money,— He means, he has never a Groat he would spare by his good will.  [They whisper. Suck. 
'tis all right and well,— only here's a Parliament sixpence, pray change it.  Squeeze. 
How was I mistaken?— There sir.  Suck. 
Hark you Neighbour,— what's their business?  Squeeze. 
Such as you never dealt in before,— the most ingenuou'st Invention was ever yet found out.— I'll undertake after the first Year you may make Cent. per Cent. of your money every three months, besides a certain Bank ready upon all occasions.  Suck. 
Say you so good Mr. Squeeze?— As how? As how?  Squeeze. 
They'll tell you that themselves;— You know Mr. Gotam? he has been always held a sober man.  Suck. 
Indeed has he, and well to pass:— He is of the Livery, and in a short time will be Master of his Company;— He married the Widow Minee; I knew her first Husband,— he was a thriving man.  Squeeze. 
Marry was he.— But the business is of so great a concernment, that 'tis not one or two ordinary men's purses are able to carry it on.— The other is Sir Gudgenon Credulous, a worthy, wise Knight, and in his own Country of the Peace, and Quorum.  Suck. 
He seems no other.  Squeeze. 
There is a Gentlewoman too, one Mistress Gods-good.  Suck. 
O,— I have heard of her,— A rich Widow.  Squeeze. 
That she is o'my knowledge; I deal for her,— All persons concerned,— but the main Wheel of the work is Mr. Jocose.— Faith sir, I'd have you come in too;— As poor a man as I am, I am resolved to go in Five hundred pounds.  Suck. 
But what shall you come out Neighbour? What? etc.  Squeeze. 
No man knows what!— You had best speak to 'um.  Suck. 
How much would they have from me?  Squeeze. 
That shall be as you please, whither any thing or nothing:— only at present they would borrow of you Two Thousand pound.  Suck. 
Two thousand pound!— Do you know what you say?  Squeeze. 
Yes, 2000 lib.— You are too quick for me,— I meant upon good security.  Suck. 
O— that altars the case.— Life is frail, man mortal,— but good Security may do much;— What is the Security?— Citizens, or Country Gentlemen?— You know my way,— I must have a Judgement at least.  Squeeze. 
Pray talk with 'em yourself.  Suck. 
You're welcome Mistress,— Sir Gudgenon Credulous, I understand,— And you Mr. Gotam,— Your business with me?  Sir Gud. 
The same sir.— I thought Mr. Squeeze had informed you?  Got. 
If he has not, we shall.  Suck. 
Why truly— he has given me a small touch of't.  Sir Gud. 
Then thus Sir,— We are all persons jointly concerned in the same business; and we look upon the whole charge (what is past and to come) may amount to 9000 li.— somewhat under a years' profits:— Of this I am out already 4000 li. The Widow Gods-good advances 1500 li. more;— Mr. Gotam 1000 li. Mr. Squeeze 500 li.— And to make up the sum, we would borrow of you 2000 li.— upon good Security.—  Suck. 
Alas sir!— 2000 li.— I am a poor man: 2000 li. and I are not so near of kin, but we may marry to morrow.— But if your security be like, and you'll be civil to me, I have some friends:— Pray Sir what is your security? [Spoken whiningly.  Sir Gu. 
Would the Court of Alderman's were as good:— Security!  Enter Lean-chops. Lean. 
Sir there's a Gentleman at door inquires for you.  Got. 
For me?— It may be Mr. Jocose,— Pray desire him to come in,— I am glad he found me out,— Now you'll be able to see the very guts of the business.  Suck. 
What share goes he?  Sir. Gu. 
Alas Sir, None;— 'Tis enough for him that the invention was, and the Patent will be his:— There's reason in all things:—  Enter Driver. 
Oh Mr. Driver! Where's your Master?  Got. 
Where's my x?  Dr. 
He intended to have been with you himself, but being unluckily takenill of the Gout, he sent me to your house, where I heard of your being here.—  Suck. 
A good rich disease— I warrant I shall ne'er be troubled with't.  Dr. 
All that he bade me signify to you was,— That the work went well on, and only wanted more workmen, and more materials.  Sir Gu. 
We are about it now, and have provided very well for the time.— And now you are come, pray save me a labour, and let this Gentleman understand the business.  Dr. 
Which Sir?— That of the Plegnick Screw, The Handquern, or the Horse-Wind-Water-Mill?  Sir. Gu. 
Ha!— Ha!—  Suck. 
Have you more than one?  Sir. Gu. 
Divers, divers, which is the reason of the excessive charge,— Though troth, 'twas more than I knew before— [Aside— But— The more the merrier: Prithee le's have that, that is now in operation— I think you called it, The Metallorgan icum Ignicadrillicum.  Dr. 
You mean that of a constant heat, without fire or smoke.  Sir. Gu. 
The same, The same.  Suck. 
How is't possible?— which way?  Dr. 
Tell you that, and tell you all;— Every Art has its Occult quality, which once demonstrated, would cease to be a secret, and some other might chance to get between us and home:— However, since here are none but friends, and all well-willers, I will give ye some small hints of't, which to be short, is singly effected by a new kind of motion (for you know, motion is the cause of heat,) And this meeting with matter ready disposed, shall either work naturally by itself, or in cases extraordinary, by an Antiperistasis:— and be, not only Equi-sufficent, Equicheap, Equi-excellent, as all minor Projects pretend to, but more cheap, more sufficient, and superexcellent, which when we are better acquainted, I will easily demonstrate.  Suck. 
I'll promise you, if this be able to be made good, 'twill save abundance of Wood and Coals.  Dr. 
That's least;— What say you to this?— First there can be no danger of firing; for as I told you before, 'tis done without fire.— Secondly, You are not troubled with smoke, the greatest enemy to man's health.— Thirdly, No Soot shall fall into the Pot, nor Fat be lost in the Fire. Fourthly, It shall so preserve the radical moisture, juice, and substance of Hops, and Malt, that whereas now, they retain in a manner, only their fixed salt, and excrementitious dead substance, this shall so conserve their Balsamical spirits, That the Brewer shall be able to afford twelve shilling Beer, at half a Crown a Barrel, and get more by't then he does now:— Fifthly, As you well observed, no charge of fuel.— Sixthly, (Which one were enough by itself) It is an invention, or rather a new marvellous Art, useful to all, and injurious to none, and such as besides the eternising our-names to Posterity, shall give us at present, Honour, Fame, Friends, Wealth, and (as a consequent of that) every thing. [The rest whisper while [Squeeze and Suckdry discourse.  Sq. 
What think you of this Sir?  Suck. 
O'my Word no contemptible business.— I hear he has more on foot; and why may ned we get one to ourselves?  Sq. 
Perhaps you may:— And the lending this money may be a good introduction to t'other.  Suck. 
Don't you think they would take half money, and half Jewels?  Sq. 
Perhaps they might, but than you must enlarge the sum, or they may want money to carry on the work.  Suck. 
You say right:— What's their Security?  Squeeze. 
O'my Conscience if you would but stand upon't, they'd go near to Mortgage to you, a third or a fourth part of the clear Profits.  Suck. 
Softly,— Don't talk of a Fourth,— I'll make 'em believe I will have a moiety; though rather than fail, I could be contented with less.  Sq. 
If I might advise you Sir— [They whisper.  Dri. 
Why truly to tell you truth,— we have made very few proofs of the rest:— But if you will call at my Mastres', I'll give you that account of 'em may be worth your trouble:— There will be enough for you all.  Sir Gu. 
But hark ye Mr. Driver,— Don't you bob me off, with a third rate Project now?—  Dr. 
Sir Gudgeon! that you should think so!  Suck. 
Do you propose it to 'em: [To Squeeze.  Squeeze. 
I shall Sir.— Mr. Gotam you know we propounded 2000 l. for Mr. Suckdry:— I have done the Work, and he shall be contented with a third part of the profits for Security,— I hope you will consider me in my Share. [Aside.  Got. 
And all the reason in the World;— You hear Gentlemen what he says.  Sr. Gu. 
I would have him secured,— But I would not though leave a twenty shilling piece in pawn for a groat.  Suck. 
Alas Sir, 'Tis none of my money, 'tis my Friends, and I'll account truly between you both:— If you intent honestly you cannot give too great Security.  Dr. 
You may do it, I'll undertake my Master shall not oppose it.  Sir Gu. 
Then get ready the Writings;— I hope we shall have a good account in a short time.  Suck. 
As soon as you please;— I'll about it straight;— We may be all made and send us but good luck.  Sir Gu. 
Well Sir, Farewell for the present. [Exeunt all but [Suck. and Dr.  Suck. 
Farewell good Gentlemen;— But stay Mr. Driver,— pray stay,— let me speak with you,— methought you were saying your Master had a great many other Projects;— Surely,— surely, he must be a very rich man.  Dr. 
Why faith Sir, he is well enough, tho' he be at a great deal of charge; for now and then an Engine breaks, and an experiment fails; should all take right, he would be too rich, but that's almost impossible; he that will get, must now and then venture to loss.— This is our comfort, the first good hit, pays for all miscarriages.  Suck. 
That's well,— But pray tell me,— What children has your Master?—  Dr. 
One Son Sir, and that's all:— I have often asked him why he toils himself to leave so great an estate, when the tenth part of what he has already would serve my Young Master, and to spare.  Suck. 
No ill sign,— I like him the better,— But dost think he was in earnest when he proposed a match between his son, and my daughter?  Dr. 
Yes truly, if he said it, you may believe him;— But alas! What should my young Master do with all that Wealth you two are like to leave him?  Suck. 
Keep it, keep it, and breed more:— Prithee tell me, dost think thy Master would settle a good swinging Project upon him in possession?  Dri. 
Yes truly, I believe he may.  Suck. 
Then hark you,— Pick me out a good round one, and it may not be the worse for thee;— 'Tis the first part of Faulconrie to hold fast, and if thy young Master has that good quality, I dare trust him for the rest,— or he may quickly learn it.—  Dr. 
I shall be glad with all my heart to be an instrument, in the business;— And now upon second thoughts, I think your daughter may make an excellent wife for him.  Suck. 
Your reason good Mr. Driver,— Your reason?  Dr. 
Because I have so often heard him protest against your great matches, (as he calls 'em) and compares 'em to an ill pudding, all blood, and no fat.  Suck. 
I'll be sworn, a hopeful young man;— But tell me (Prithee be true to me) what kind of wife does he most affect, if he might have his choice?  Dr. 
What?— Even a good honest man's daughter that shall bring him no charge, nor put him in fear of being eat out by her kindred— One that shall never send her Husband on a How d'ye, or keep more Coaches in Town, than he has ploughs going in the Country— One that shall not spend his Michaelmas Rents, in Midsummer Moon, and cost him more in sails, and rigging, than the Hull's worth.  Suck. 
'Tis a hundred pities, but thou were Supervisor General of the Female sex.  Dr. 
Faith Sir, I carded not much if I were, I should be the better able to serve my friends— But this is not all.  Suck. 
Prithee on— I like it well.  Dr. 
One that is not haunted with Perfumers, Lacemen, Milliners, Silkmen, Jewellers, Mercers, Exchange-men, Sempsters, and Hey day! And can be contented with her husband's Tailor.— One that understands not the way of smooth chinned pages, and can find both Lackeys, and women, in a single Chambermaid— One that was never read beyond Aqua fortis, and tinning glass, and is as much gravelled at Spanish Paper, and talk as a Country Vicar, at an Hebrew Pedigree:— One that has no Aunts, nor she Cousins to visit, and goes not above thrice a week to the Drawers for new patterns— One (to be short) that is all herself, and thinks it no scorn, to be her own Sempstress, and Tirewoman.  Suck. 
sayst thou me so my heart?— And if I han't a girl that fits him, she is not like her Father:— Come Master Driver— Be but assistant in striking up this match, and thou shalt ne'er know what it may be worth thee:— Come,— A man must promise at large, though he perform at leisure; hope makes men diligent. [Aside, Exeunt.    

ACT. III.  

SCAENA. 1.  Enter Jocose, Ferdinand, in a Precisian habit, and Driver. Jocose. 
I— This is something!— I protest I should hardly have known thee myself!— But one thing— I do not like this hat,— 'tis so high Crowned, he'll swear 'tis mere waste, and three Ounces of stuff might have been well saved.  Fer. 
That may be quickly mended, either by getting another, or circumcising this;— it lies under the band, and will ne'er be seen, or if it should, he'll like it the better.  Dr. 
ne'er doubt it Sir.— It must take— for I have read him such a Lecture of my young Master's frugality, that he is out of all patience till he see him,— and if you can but out-cant him now, the work's done.  Fer. 
That must be left to chance,— And yet 'tis not impossible, but I may make my party good with him:— Have I lived in Genoa (where the Jews come laughing in, and go crying out, as having met with greater Jews than themselves,) and do you think I shall not be able to deal with him?— I warrant ye:  Jo. 
Well said Nando,— A good confidence is half the thing.  Fer. 
But when must this robbery be?  Dr. 
I expect him here instantly, though not purposely about this business; for my design was to have it come on, as it were by the By, and of itself.  Jo. 
What other business has he?  Dr. 
O Sir!— To see how the main work goes forward; Besides, he expects you should settle a good lusty Project upon my young Master; and I am wide of the mark, if he is not hammering at another for himself.— And to tell you truth, so they are all,  Jo. 
Now send that thou hast not engaged us further, than we shall be able to get off fairly.  Dr. 
Pray Sir trust me— Have I desired you to appear in't? Or been wanting to't in any thing myself?  Jo. 
Well, I refer it to thee;— But must you have all the sport? were't not possible that I might at least laugh inwardly.  Dri. 
I was just making it my request to you, that you would so dispose yourself, as to overhear the discourse, and perhaps it may not be unworth your while— for the men having considered that two heads are better than one, have communicated it to their wives, and asked their Advise in the point, and they are so a Gogg upon't, that they must have their Projects too, and amongst them, you'll find your Widow,— I never saw things hit more luckily,— 'tis impossible but you must carry her,  Jo. 
Do you expect 'em here?  Dr. 
I wonder they stay so long,— and when they come, what they will say;— [Knock within.  
That knock, may chance to be theirs.  Jo. 
Take the occasion of leaving 'em alone,— for perhaps they may be more free amongst themselves then if either of us were present.  Enter Servant. Seru. 
Sir here are some Gentlewomen that inquire for yourself, or Mr. Driver.  Dr. 
It must be them.  Jo. 
Desire 'em to walk in.— [Exit Servant.  
Do you tell 'em I am a little busy, but you'll go and acquaint me with it;— You shall find me in that Window.  [Exit Jocose and Ferdinand. Dr. 
So,— And now for the good Women,— But what to say to 'em, tell he that can, he must be better read in these books than I am.—  Enter Mrs. Godsgood, Mrs. Gotam, Mrs. Squeeze, Nancy. Dr. 
Lady's!— Your servant,— And had you not commanded the contrary, I had saved you this trouble by waiting on you myself.  Mrs. Go. 
No Sir, 'tis our own business, and we thought least notice might be taken of it, by discoursing it here.  Mrs. Sq. 
Yes indeed, 'twas all our opinions:— Only I must confess the Widow here would have preferred a little state, before convenience.  Mrs. G. G. 
But since I was overruled;— Pray Sir, Where's your Master.  Dr. 
I ll let him know you are here, and he'll wait on you presently.  Mrs. Got. 
I think this Gentleman would be able to do our business as well.  Mrs. Sq. 
Yes truly,— He looks like a likely man.  Mrs. G. G. 
However if Mr. Jocose were present too, 'twere no whit the worse.  Dr. 
Be pleased to repose yourselves a while, and it will not be long ere my Master wait on you.  Omnes. 
Your Servant Sir. [Exit Driver.  Mrs. G. G. 
Come Neighbours, I think it were not amiss if we agreed among ourselves what we would have, before they come.  Mrs. Got. 
Now truly and indeed, 'twas well moved.  Mrs. Sq. 
I like it well, pray begin.  Mrs. Got. 
Trust me not I,— but I'll do as good,— I'll put in now and then;— Pray Mrs. Godsgood.  Mrs. Sq. 
However you mistook me, I mean it so;— pray Madam,— No pray forsooth— will you?  Mrs. Sq. 
Not I indeed,— how say you?— The Widow.—  Omnes. 
The Widow,— the Widow.—  Mrs. G. G. 
Then in obedience to your Commands,— And may this present meeting be happy and prosperous, to ourselves and the whole Commonwealth of Women; and that we propose those things that may be for the Common good and dignity of the Sex:— You cannot be ignorant how much your husbands have encroached upon you, or (to speak truth) how much we have all lost, by letting the men engross all business to themselves, without so much as asking our advice, as if we (forsooth) were no part of them, and made to no other end, but to sit at home and prick our fingers.  Mrs. Got. 
I indeed,— a public grievance.  Mrs. Sq. 
The more's the pity.  Mr. G. G. 
Pray Sisters,— Has not every pitiful Corporation its Counsel, the meanest Parish its Vestry, and our very Fumblers their Common Hall? And shall women only lose their privilege? Shall we alone do nothing?  Mrs. Got. 
Had we no more wit then to be ruled by our husbands, we should ned,— but for all that we (now and then) do our parts, and sometimes too, more than comes to our shares.  Mrs. Sq. 
Thank themselves, that won't be quiet when 'tis well.  Mrs. G. G. 
Pray no interruptions in the middle of a speech: There will be time enough for all.— Nor would I set up a new thing, only revive an ancient and laudable (tho' somewhat antiquated) Custom.— I have heard of an old Emperor, somewhere or other, that ordained, That as he had his Counsel of men, so his wife, should have hers, of women, which should be independent, and without appeal to 'tother.—  Mrs. Got. 
Marry away with him,— An old man!— What should we do with him?— And I have heard of a place too, where they hung up the men, after they come to threescore, as things past their labour, and consequently useless.—  Mrs. G. G. 
Yet again!—  Mrs. Sq. 
No more of that good Sister, for if I mistake not the story, they were more severe upon us, and burned us for Witches at Forty.—  Mrs. G. G. 
hay day!— Pray Sisters.  Mrs. Sq. 
Peace,— Silence.  Mrs. Got. 
With all my heart;— No offence I hope.  Mrs. Sq. 
None on my part I assure you.  Mrs. G G. 
More still!— This Council, as I told you, (whether in jest or earnest it matters not) They called the She Senate, and this is that which our present interest should prick us forward to restore.— Nor let it be any rub in the way, that Women are forbid to speak in Public, that being meant of a Congregation of men, and I speak only of an Assembly of Women,— for otherwise, if we were ever to hold our tongues, to what use were they given us? Those tongues, I say, that if they might, would speak sense as well as their own; and upon a good occasion, could be as loud— Think you (I warrant) they were given us to no other end, but to lick our teeth, and cheapen Eggs?— I think not,— and why should we not use 'em then?— No doubt but we may, and perhaps too, to as much purpose as the men; for could we look into their Counsels, 'tis ten to one but we should find many things ourselves would have been ashamed of.— How common is it with them to be five days in wording the Question, and as many more ere they can put it right, and perhaps at last, make nothing of it:— Whereas we, are plain down right, we think what we please, and speak what we think.— How does this Consultation thwart that, a third both, a fourth all, as if they met only to justify the Proverb, So many men, so many minds; Whereas we, if the reins were in our hands, if we did not manage them better, I am sure it could not be worse.  Mrs. Got. 
Well opened,— pray proceed.  Mrs. G. G. 
I think this enough for Introduction;— The next thing I would have considered is, of what persons this Council should consist.  Mrs. Got. 
Of whom but women?  Mr. Sq. 
All that will,— what else?  Mrs. G. G. 
That would be rather a Tumult than a Council.  Mrs. Got. 
And to select a few, and exclude the rest, would be— What d'ye call it?— The men have a hard word for't— Oli— Oli— Oligar,— fie upon't, I can't hit it,— Oil and Garlic I think they call't,— 'tis either that, or somewhat near it;— A very mark of tyranny.  Mrs. G. G. 
Pray no more interruptions,— If you do not like it refer it to another time;— And first, (if I might advise) I would have no maids of this council.  Nan. 
No maids!— Why I pray? were you never one yourself, or was it so long since, you have forgot it?  Mrs. G. G. 
Pray give me leave,— I say no maids, because we may happen to speak that among ourselves, that may not be fit for them to hear.  Nan. 
Goodly, goodly,— As if we could not tell how the Market went, tho'we neither bought nor sold in't.  Mrs. Got. 
Well said little Gentlewoman,— stand up for your Privilege.  Mrs. Sq. 
I warrant they are not so ill bred, but they know what's, what, as well as ourselves;— How say you Mrs. Nancy, do not you know a pudding, from a Cart Wheel?  Nan. 
I think I do!  Mrs. Sq. 
Did not I tell you so?  Mrs. Got. 
But how will you know, which are Maids, and which not;— Do not all go for Maids till they are married?  Mrs Sq. 
And are not some afterwards?— What think you of those that have overgrown old fellows to their husbands?— may not they be called Maids, though perhaps much against their will?  Mrs. G. G. 
However for honour's sake we'll think 'em otherwise: But my meaning was, that none be received, but such as are, or have been married.  Mrs. Got. 
Well distinguished,— And yet perhaps it might be no hurt, if they sat behind the hangings, though they gave no voice;— 'twould make 'em the abler against they came to't themselves.  Mrs. G. G. 
For that, as you please;— But pray no more interruptions:— The next, I would have none admitted that have been shod round:— And amongst them I would place such as are past fifty, who like old Garrisons are fit for nothing but to be Lighted, and the rather too, to make room for others.  Mrs. Got. 
And good reason,— pray on:  Mrs. G. G. 
Then I would have none admitted, that had not first purged herself by her corporal Oath, that she had never made her Husband a Cuckold:— Unless she be very ugly, and that in such cases it be taken for granted, that she has not.  Mrs. Got. 
Now out upon't!  Mrs. Sq. 
This Widow I see would make a very Tyrant.  Mrs. Got. 
Confess and be hanged,— I am for none of't,  Mrs. Sq. 
Nor I neither;— Here's a fetch with all my heart.—  Mrs. G. G. 
At least you may qualify it by Proviso, That if it be done to oblige a Gentleman, she may notwithstanding, etc.  Mrs. Got. 
That altars the case a little;— But I am clearly for throwing out both.  Mrs. Sq. 
And so am I,— At least for laying the debate aside till a full house.  Mrs. G. G. 
What you please,— I do but offer— Next, That if any discover the secrets of the house abroad, That such Person or Persons, have their tongues committed, to a three days' silence, without Bail or Mainprize.  Mrs. Got. 
Insufferable!  Mrs. Sq. 
A tyranny never heard of before!  Mrs. G. G. 
Pray have patience,— Next, that none be permitted to speak irreverentlie of their Husbands, in as much, as be the men what they will, the Wife's honour, depends upon theirs, to traduce them, were, but in effect, to disgrace ourselves.  Mrs. Got. 
Oh! Worse and worse.  Mrs. Sq. 
Abominable, and not to be endured. [They walk and fume. Driver and Jocose (appear above.)  Dr. 
You see Sir  
How hard your Widow's beset, I think 'twere not amiss if you relieved her.  Jo. 
And so I will,— She's better qualified than I expected,— Follow me.—  Mrs. Got. 
Not speak irreventlie as you call it!— Do you think it reasonable, that my shamelegged Monsieur should say what he please of me, and I, nothing? Or fit (I woos that he be ever rambling abroad, When (though I say it myself) I am as able a Woman, for the matter of the point of that, as any Woman in the two next Parishes;— And I must sit still and blow my nails forsooth?  Mrs. Sq. 
Or that mine should be perpetually abusing and striking me,— I am sure he has so pomelled me about the Head, that I am hardly able, to bear a cup of drink, as they say:— For look you, d'ye see, when I am troubled, I go to the salutation, with two or three neighbours, or so, and call for our Gills of sack a piece, (alas you know, it is not much) and then we sit and chat over it, and look yed'ye see, I am now and then troubled with a Rheum in my side, and go lame a little, and then when I come home, my Rogue says I am drunk, and stink of Aquavitae; when alas, 'tis well known, 'tis mere grief, mere grief makes me in that condition;— Aa— you don't know this husband of mine— he were a very devil, but that he wears his horns,— And is this to be born think you.  Jo. 
Hold a little,— not yet.—) [To Driver offering to enter.  Mrs. Got. 
No by my troth is it not.— Come, come, serve him as I did mines;— He stroke me t'other day; and I set out my throat as loud as I could, that he had murdered me for what I had; and as the neighbours came in, I made 'em believe I was in a swoon, and held him so long in suspense, that from that day forward; I got the staff into mine own hand;— Ah my poor first husband, he was a man of a thousand, I could have made him believe the Cow was made of Wood,— But how d'ye think I brought him to't;— Even by complaining first, and pretending he did this and that in his drink, which he (good man) never thought of; and if ever he denied it, 'twas but bringing my maid to witness, and I was sure to be asked pardon.  Mrs. Sq. 
I— here were a woman for the Chair!—  Mrs. G. G. 
Withal my heart.—  Mrs. Sq. 
Then for the Quorum,— if two Women and a Goose make a Market, I see no reason, why three, may not make a Council, at least to determine, tho' not to hear?  Mrs. Got. 
I agree with you;— And truly I think so we should all;— But for this Widow,— She's insufferable!— Come neighbour Squeeze, I see we must be well advised, whom we trust the Chair with,— She may in time betray our liberties.  Enter Jocose, Driver. Jo. 
Madam, Your servant,— me thought I heard you somewhat hot,— could ned you agree?  Mrs. Got. 
No indeed Sir, Nor is it likely.  Mrs. Sq. 
Truly I think 'twere not amiss if we entreated this Gentleman to take up the business.  Mrs. G. G. 
You could not have thought better;— Pray Sir will you give yourself a small trouble to oblige us.  Jo. 
Alas Madam 'tis too large a Parish for me; However I shall look upon your intreaty's as commands;— What may it be?  Mrs. Sq. 
Why thus an't please you.—  Mrs. Got. 
No, pray let me.  Jo. 
Hold,— suppose we walked in; we should be less subject to disturbance,— will't please you Madam,—  Omnes. 
With all our hearts. [Jocose leads off Godsgood, They follow, manet Driver.  Dr. 
Call you me this Matrimony!— Help the good man say I, for I am sure they need it;— And yet certain there must be some little, I know not what in't, that I am ignorant of, or they would not be so hot upon't, That like bold Seamen, having scaped one Wrack, they dare yet venture on another:— Whate'er it be, I envy it no man, bless him with it say I— I had rather believe my share of it, then run the experiment;— For as far as I have e'er observed, Between a quiet, and an unquiet Woman, there is only this difference, That he that has the first, rides an ambling horse to the Devil, and he that has the second a Trotter.—  Enter Sir Gudgenon Credulous, and Gotam. 
Sir, Your Servant.  Sir Gu. 
Honest Mr. Driver,— And how?— What news?— ha you been as good as your Word?  Dr. 
Yes Sir,— here are some,— And you may take your choice. [Shows his bag.  Sir. Gu. 
Aa!— Mr. Driver,— You were ever my friend:— But prithee satisfy me by discoursing the reason of 'em, as why, some are more lucky in their hits, then others.—  Dr. 
You must know Sir, that inventions came by degrees, but have ever had this ill fortune, to be fatal to the first Inventors, who have only discovered a new shore to shipwreck their persons on it, or bury their fortunes in it.  Got. 
How shall we do then?  Dr. 
Well enough,— We have this advantage, that others have gone before us, and broke the ice to our hands;— However we must not be so hasty as to expect all things should be done at once;— No,— Nature makes no leaps, and Invention which is the handmaid of Nature, must but follow her, and take pattern, from her.  Sir Gu. 
Nay I grant ye, time perfects every thing; Nor can it be thought, that our invention should be so absolute, as that it were impossible to be improved.  Dr. 
You have hit the point, and learnedly;— However for demonstration:— The Spade and Shovel were Primitive Inventions, and from thence came the Blow;— In like manner from the Rake, the Harrow;— From the Pestle and Mortar all sort of Mills, whether Horizontal, or Plegnick; Horse, Hand, Wind, Water, or otherwise;— From the Wheel-barrow; Carts and Coaches;— From the scraping of a Hen, Letters;— From Pease-Hulls in the Kennel, the Invention of Shipping;— And from a Kites tail, the Rudders to 'em;— I should have mentioned an other thing, which how simple soever at first, 't has been since improved to a wonder.  Got. 
As what good Sir?  Dr. 
Why thus— You know men originally leapt Water like dogs, but finding that a little troublesome, They sooped from their hands;— from thence came Wooden dishes, thence earthen Pitchers, Thence Black-Jacks, thence Flagons, thence Kanns, thence Horns, thence Pewter cups, thence Glasses, and as an Eumechanick from the whole, Silver and gold Tankards.  Sr. Gud. 
I le be sworn thou hast cut out the business notably.  Got. 
Marry has he;— A shrewd fellow.— But hark you,— Have you remembered me?  Dr. 
Presently— I was just coming t' ye,— And shall only tell you by way of Prolegomena, That Inventions are of two sorts (to wit) either such as are destructive to humane Society (as the Invention of walking invisible, and making Ships and Boats sail in the Air, as well as on the Water, which we call Cacamechana) or such as are advantageous and useful; and of this kind, I think I can show you as much choice, as any man whatever he be.  Sir Gu. 
I must confess I am for those,— let's see.  Got. 
ay, I— Those, those.  Dr. 
You see Gentlemen, I am not shy to you, I dare trust you to peruse my papers! [They turn over his papers.  Sir Gu. 
Aa! Good Mr. Driver— What are these?  Dr. 
Let me see— most Excellent things!— You know Sir, we English men chiefly buzzle our heads about two things, That is to say, Religion, and Trade;— And truly you have luckily hit upon both,— The one, is a Project for a Divinitie-Mill, that shall go by any wind, and never stand still.  Sir Gu. 
But of what use?  Dr. 
Marry— To grind Controversy, and that so fine, and subtle, it shall hardly be perceptible,— And I'll undertake, make more Proselytes, than ever did Chaucer's Friar with his shoulder blade of the lost sheep.  Sir Gu. 
Lay that by,— I'll fit you a Chapman.— [Tother.  Dr. 
Why— this— 'Tis the height of Art!— An Emporentick Invention, of making Cloth without Wool.  Got. 
How's that?— Cloth without Wool;— Make me but that good, and Write your own Conditions.  Sir Gu. 
With your favour Sir,— I was in before you— Pray go on— How is it to be done?  Dr. 
Why thus— I shall discover all.—  Sir Gu. 
Not to your friend?— good Master Driver.  Dr. 
Then thus— You must gather the Atoms into a Glass well ground, and then thread 'em upon a fine imperceptible Loom, and when they are once Wove, 'tis easy milling 'em to what consistence you please.  Sir Gu. 
But how shall we do for this Loom?  Dr. 
Did you never hear of Uulcan● Net?— You must take Copy by that.  Sir Gu. 
Cry y'mecrcie good Mr. Driver,— This shall be mine;— I have a Glass (as one would say) made for the purpose,— A most excellent Optic,— It shall make you an Atom show as big as a Quarter Staff.  Dr. 
Alas Sir the Thread will be too big, and fit for nothing but to Thrumme Coverlets; whereas my design in't was to alter the affairs of Christendom, by breaking the Spanish trade of fine Wool, and the Dutch new manufactures.  Sir. Gu. 
I apprehend you,— The Price?  Dr. 
Why troth Sir it will not go, under five hundred pound and a quarter share.  Sir. Gu. 
No more,— I ll give thee a note to my Goldsmith— Honest Mr. Driver. [He goes aside and writes.  Got. 
Here— here Mr. Driver,— What are these?  Dr. 
A rare invention for the sealing of Butter, without the charge of Butter Prints;— The same for Gingerbread.—  Got. 
Go on— This!  Dr. 
This— A Whirligig for Dreining the Sea, for Treasure Trove:— But to this there belongs another— oh— I have it,— A device to stop up the Rivers, that they shall ned run in, till the Work be over:— But this will be a work of time, and charge.  Got. 
However, the profit will answer it.  Dr. 
Here are others would do as well, or better— You grasp at too great things.— An invention for the making Books sell at treble the rate they would have done otherwise.—  Got. 
As how good Sir?— my brother shall be in for this.  Dr. 
By a fine new Title and Picture before it; or if that fail, getting 'em suppressed, and somewhat else which I shall only tell the Bookseller himself.— A new Engine for the better sowing of Wheat, and setting of Leeks;— A Proposition for the Farming the Excize upon Jewstrumps, and Town Tops.—  Sir Gu. 
Not forgetting Nine-Pinns, and Shovel-Board Tables I beseech ye.  Got. 
As how I pray— can that amount to any thing?  Dr. 
Almost incredible,— There's a great mystery in 't,— for look you Sir; Do but consider how many more boys, than men there are, and then make the conjecture— Where's this,— oh— Here— Be happy.— Here's an Invention will do thy Work:— Thou may'st even shut up Shop, or do what thou wilt.  Got. 
I can turn it over to another, which will be all one,— What is't?  Dr. 
Why, 'tis a Project to incorporate the Gold-finders, and makes 'em turn Salt-Peeter-men; for besides that the materials will be exceeding cheap, the learned, upon experiment have found, it makes the best Gunpowder, by reason of its Nitrous quality, and the refuse, most incomparable soap; An Invention must necessarily destroy the trade of Pot-Ashes, and consequently bring all the Soap boilers in London under your girdle.  Got. 
I'm satisfied,— Not a word to Sir Gudgeon;— Let's shake him off, and you and I'll drive the Bargain by ourselves;— Pray Sir use me as kindly as you can, and I promise to consider you better as the Profits shall arise.  Dr. 
Well Sir I shall not press too hard upon a young beginner,— I hope you'll be as good as your Word.  Got. 
If I am not.— [Sir Gu. gives Dr. a note.  Sir Gu. 
Here Sir,— If to morrow be any thing fair, I'll begin the experiment, and perhaps, make some small essay this night upon the Moon.  Dr. 
I know not what excellent quality your Glass may have above others,— But if I might advise you, I would defer it to the Dog-days.  Sir Gu. 
The goodness of my Glass will supply a small defect,— I'll tell you what;— But you'll happily believe it,— I have discovered with it a Flea in the Bear's tail, and a Louse in Caput Algol— Anglice, Medusa's head,— 'tis but trying— Come— I am out of patience till I set it on foot:— My service to your Master,— I cannot stay to talk with him now:— Farewell.  Dr. 
Your Servant Sir. [Exeunt severally.    

ACT. IU.  Enter Squeeze, Driver. Dr. 
GOod Mr. Squeeze no more,— I am so full of business I can hardly tell which to set about first.  Squeeze. 
But I am afraid, these will scarce turn to account.  Dr. 
How!— not turn to account!— Is the sole engrossing of all Love Letters (whither in Verse or Prose) within the Realm of England, Dominion of Wales, and Town of Berwick upon Tweed, so cheap in our eyes?— Besides that unimaginable Project of procuring a fift Term, and the multiplication of Offices, according to the augmentation of Suits, so slight with you?— O the boundless Avarice of insatiate men!  Sq. 
Nay good Mr. Driver.  Dr. 
What!— nothing content you, unless you fine for Sheriff the first year.— Gi' me't again.  Sq. 
Pray Sir,— Are you angry because my Wit is not so ripe as yours;— Great things are not so easily apprehended:— Suppose I offered that of a fift Term, to the Inns of Court, and Doctors Commons, do you think they would advance any thing considerable upon't?  Dr. 
Think!— About it, and be thankful,— We shall have you now once in a twelvemonth not know your old friends;— But if you do, it shall be a warning to me, how I ever—  Squeeze. 
What d'ye take me for— pray no more.— Fare you well.— [Exit Squeeze.  Dr. 
Your Servant.—  
So, so— the wheels go merrily round:— And now for my main game, Mr. Suckdry,— if I can but squeeze that Sponge into my young Master's pocket, the work's done,— let me see—  [Noise within. 
He must not take me unprovided,— Hark!— 'tis he.—  [He turns over his bundle. Enter Suckdry. 
A Project for the reprinting of Tom Thumb with Marginal Notes and Cuts; And that every man within this Kingdom, buy it of the Patentee, at the rate of Twelve pence, or come up to Town to show cause why he will not.  Suck. 
Good— I won't disturb him yet.  Dr. 
Another— for raising six pence upon every thousand of Bricks; and two pence a joint, for every joint of Meat that shall be dressed on Friday's and Saturday's.  Suck. 
Excellent!— This fellow will be rich, he minds his business.  Dr. 
That every Usurer pay twelve pence per pound out of all interest money, towards Charitable uses, and that the Patentee have the disposing of't.  Suck. 
Oh!— He'll spoil all again. [He starts.  Dr. 
Whose there?— Mr. Suckdry!— Your servant,— you see I am at work for you;— But this is not the business I have designed for you— Hmh— 'tis come at last— Here 'tis— A thing shall bring you in a vast deal of money without any charge,— besides the primary charge.  Suck. 
As what, good Mr. Driver? What?  Dri. 
Why 'tis a Wooden-Horse, so contrived with Screws and devices, that he shall out-travel a Dromedary, carry the burden of fifteen Camels, run you a thousand mile without drawing bit, and which is more than all this; not cost you two pence a year the keeping.  Suck. 
Ha, Ha, He— i'faith— i'faith! prithee on,— Is there no difficulty in the work?  Dr. 
The greatest, will be to set him a going: But I think I have sufficiently provided for that:— I'll tell you how I have ordered it:— Turn one Pin, he shall Trot, another Amble, a third▪ Gallop; a fourth, Fly; And all this performed by German Clockwork:— Don Quixotes Rosinante, was an Ass; Reynaldo's Bayart, a mere Slug; and Clavellino the swift, a very Cow to him;— I might mention Alexander Beucephalus, the Cid's Bajeca, the moors Zebra, Rogero's Frontino, Astolpho's Hippogryphon, Orlando Briliadoro; The Muse's Pegase, the Sun's Horses, and Zancho's Dapple,— But they are not to be named the same day together;— One thing more I could tell you— But—  Suck. 
Good Mr. Driver— out with it:— No Butts (among friends) I pray.  Dr. 
'Tis but shoeing him with Cork, and he shall tread as firm, and strike as true a stroke on the water, as he does on land; and which is more, care for neither tide nor weather, and run in the winds eye:— A device, must of necessity break the Packet Boats, and consequently engross the whole dispatch for Ireland, France and Holland.  Suck. 
And do you think you could prevail with your Master to part with this horse?  Dr. 
Yes certainly for his Sons good— Though as I told you before, he has more already than he knows well how to spend.  Suck. 
No more of that— Prithee let me speak with him— He shall have Bags, Daughter, Devil and all.  Dri. 
I'll wait on you again imediatelie.— [Exit Dr.  Suck. 
Not cost a man two pence a year the keeping,— So— so— 'Tis an excellent shaped horse, and must be good,— Why may not I improve this Project now, and make him carry as much on his back, as the Trojan horse did in his belly; at least, as many Citizens and their Wives at once, as the great Bed at Ware, will hold at twice,— 'twas well thought on—  Enter Dr. and Ferd. Dr. 
This is my young Master Sir, will you please to be known to him.  Suck. 
A towardly young man— save you Sir—  Fer. 
Your friend and Ferdinand— Pray no Compliments.  Suck. 
An humble young man, and sparing of his very words— I ll try his temper— With your favour Sir— I have long desired your acquaintance, and having a further inclination to continue it, I must crave leave to ask you a few questions.—  Fer. 
The fewer the better,— as near as I could, I would not waste either time or breath.  Suck. 
Excellent!— pray Sir what do you take to be the greatest virtue in the world?  Ferd. 
Thrift.  Suck. 
Short, but pithy— Admirable! But might not I be so much beholding to you, as to give me your reason for 't?  Fer. 
It would better become me to learn from you— However, since you desire it, I shall tell you what first moved me to it.  Suck. 
I am beholding to you— pray begin.  Fer. 
Then truly Sir I find it founded upon Nature,— The Sun the Moon, the Stars, are sparing of their light, and do not always shine; The Earth is barren in some places, that it may be fruitful in others— And the Sea, has its ebbs and neaps, as well as flow and Spring tides;— And in a Word, from the beginning 'twas ever so.  Suck. 
Excellent again! let me not interrupt you.  Fer. 
Nor is this all; It has been the general practice of all times— The golden age, to save charges, were clad in skins, drank Water, eat Acorns, and to show their innocence, wiped their noses on their sleeves:— The Philosophers, they were sparing— The brahmin's, went naked,— Diogenes lived in a Tub— Pythagoras, on Carrots and Cabbage;— Plato wondered, a man could eat two meals a day;— And Epicurus (whatever we think of him) was as great a Prince with a tossed in the dripping Pan, as a fat Citizen with his shoulder of mutton and Capon:— The Stoics, were abstenious to a miracle, and if ever they exceeded, 'twas never at their own charge; Nor have they walked alone, The learned tread hard after 'em; for either (like the ancient Druids) they commit nothing to writing, or if they do, 'tis so close and enigmatical, that no body can pick any thing out of 't:— But I burden you.  Suck. 
By no means,— good Sir on.  Fer. 
To come nearer home, we all cry up Charity, and no doubt, do well in it; But who makes any use of it? at least, any more than needs must; we bless 'tis true, but without a Cross, And for good Works we do no more than will just serve (if yet that) for fear of supererogating,— Pray tell me, was it for nothing think you that we found a late stile of the Keepers of the Liberty; or that the Keeper of a Park had his name to no purpose,— surely no— The Age is arrived to that height of thrift, that they find more's got by selling their Bucks, then by eating them themselves, or giving 'em their friends.  Suck. 
Right:— I have not found more thrift, no not in Spain or Italy.  Fer. 
And now you mention Spain, give me leave to put off my hat to that Venerable name— The Spaniard!— the frugal Spaniard!— that shall make you five meals upon one Hen, Feast his Family with three Pilchards, and carry a pound of Mutton in triumph on a Skiver!— But I forget myself, I am sure now I weary you— yet if you have ever so much time to spare, read but Sir Jeffery Drop-nose his discourse upon Saveall's, or his new method of skinning of Flints, and perhaps you may not think your time ill spent.  Suck. 
Ha— Ha— what was that?— Books— Books?  Fer. 
Yes Sir, a good thrifty Author and well received.  Suck. 
Uh— Have a care,— No Books I beseech you— They cost money— Read men— Read men.— Hang these liberal Sciences, This is no time for 'em— Study Thrift,— Study Thrift,— 'Tis strange, you that are so great Master in the Theory, should be so much out in the Practic!— let me read to you.  Fer. 
With all my heart, and I readily embrace it.  Suck. 
'Twas well said— And first, for your person.— Have nothing about you that may be spared, nay though it be not worth a farthing; for if you would but seriously consider, how much one poor farthing, Use upon Use, in 200 years' amounts to, you would not lay it out upon waste:— Next, eat little, drink less, and sleep much, to save fire and candlelight; And if ever you are sick, be your own Doctor, and never exceed above a halfpenny worth of Sena:— Then for your clothes, make no new, but beg an old suit as for a poor friend of yours, but fit it up for yourself; but short and close, lest your wife, taking example by you, run out as much in train.  Fer. 
But suppose, Sir, I kept her always in mourning, would it not do well, think ye, to save Linen, and washing?  Suck. 
Very good, and well observed— And hark you— never let her be too forward in making Babie-clouts; perhaps the Child may be stillborn, and then, there's so much saved— And since you have named mourning, let me advise you, never give any upon your will, they'll then mourn indeed: and for your wife, make her no more new clothes than needs must— As long as the Cat's skin is burnt, you shall have her keep home, let it be once sleeked an she's presently a Caterwauling— Then for your housekeeping— Be ever exact in keeping Fasting-days, and Hollie-day Eves; for besides that you comply with the Discipline of the Church, you save your own purse— And for your provision— Be sure to buy the worst of every thing, (as rotten Eggs, mouldy Wheat, stinking Beef, and the like) for besides that it is much cheaper, your family will eat the less, and for that reason also, let your meat be either blood-raw, or overroasted; and as near as you can dine late, that they may have no stomach to Supper.  Fer. 
Then, Sir,— If you'll give me leave—  Suck. 
Good leave have you— proceed—  Fer. 
If your Friend come to dine with you— Ask him by way of prevention, when he'll be so kind as to come and dine with you— But if he chance to surprise you, Treat him not, but tell him you'll make no Stranger of him— Either he has an appetite, or he has not; if he has, hungers the best sauce, if he has not, 'tis all lost— If he be your friend, he'll be contented with what you have; if not, 'tis too much.  Suck. 
Or rather take pattern from the Prudent Dutch, tell him your house is visited, and so carry him to the next Inn, and there eat upon his purse,— Two men's meals well saved— But one thing more which I had quite forgot— If ever you should chance to keep Servants, change 'em often; they are generally diligent in their new clothes— And for their service— Let every one perform two Offices at least; following herein the example of the same thrifty Dutch, with whom (generally) one and the same person supplies the several Offices of Chaplain and Barber.  Fer. 
How unfortunate am I, that have been so long a stranger to such excellent Morals— Pray, Sir, oblige me once more.  Suck. 
Ha, ha, he— Shall I turn prodigal in my old age?  Fer. 
Of Counsel you may, Sir— it costs you nothing.  Suck. 
Well-well-well,— Since I must— Make the Ant your pattern for laying up, and the Limbeck your example for giving it out again— The Limbeck! (peace be with him that first invented it) The Limbeck, I say, that be it never so full, gives back again, but drop by drop— Which that you may the better do, let me advise you, first, to avoid Lawsuits, it being like a Sheep's flying for shelter to a Bramble, where commonly he leaves the better part of his Fleece behind him— Next, give no money to Servants, it being in effect a paying for your entertainment— and as little, upon hopes of return, Ingratitude reigns— Then, never fish with a golden hook for fear you lose it, or that the profit do not countervail the hazard and charge— But this I would have you— when you have any business doing, let your hand be either fumbling about your little pocket, or playing with some gold— Ah!— it makes a man so nimble when he believes it will be his presently— But when 'tis done, give him ne'er a groat; only shake him by the hand, invite him to your house, and tell him your wife and he are Town-born children; let him say what he will when you're gone, you've saved your money, and the loser may be allowed the liberty of speaking— Let the world call it sordid, or what they please; He that can do this, may be presumed to be content with it, and consequently, happy; for happiness consists in nothing more, than in being content— Populus me sibilat, at mihi plaudo— A good saying, and the only piece of all the Poets I ever understood— And hark ye, if thou marri'st my daughter, it shall be the posy of her Wedding-ring.  Fer. 
How, Sir! marry your daughter— why I scarce ever saw her.  Suck. 
No matter, no matter— she shall be ruled by me.  Fer. 
Alas, Sir— charge of children will come on— And I have heard say, A Wife's as chargeable, as an old Tenement, 'twill cost you half your rent to keep it wind-tight and water-tight.  Suck. 
Well, well, well— thou shalt be at the charge of repairs during my life, and after my death, shalt have all— All I have— All-All-All.  Dr. 
Troth Sir my young Master is bound to you,— Come Sir, speak comfortably to the old Gentleman.  Fer. 
I can only thank you Sir, and tell you, that I am wholly at your dispose.  Dr. 
Why that's well said.—  Enter Jocose, Mrs. Godsgood. Suck. 
Mr. Jocose! in pudding time! Do you remember what you said to me, touching your son, and my daughter? trulie,— truly, I like the young man so well, that if I had twenty daughters he should have 'em all,— All— Body and bones, and all I have after my death:— I truly every groat,— unless it be four old Harry groats, which I have thus disposed in my Will, viz. one groat to the poor of St. Giles', and St. Andrews Holborn, to be equally divided amongst 'em; A second, to the Hospitals of St. Bartholmews, Christ Church, and St. Thomas, to be equally divided as before; Provided always, that (within the first six months after my decease) they set up my name amongst their benefactors;— A third to charitable uses in general, to be disposed, as to my Executors shall seem meet; A fourth towards my Funeral Expenses,— I think there will be no great need of a Sermon:— A man must do some good you know.  Jo. 
And may he never thrive that shall go about to subvert so pious an intention;— And now for my son,— You have my consent.  Suck. 
I thank you,— But d'ye hear Mr. Driver,— Don't you forget the horse now;— no more but mum.—  Dr. 
I apprehend you Sir:— Your nod's enough.  Suck. 
Come Son, for that must be thy name now;— Come— go home with me,— and good Mr. Driver let it be your care to get us a gentle reader, he will not expect so much as another,— But for the Clerk, you may let him alone,— one of us can say Amen, as well as he:— There's so much saved.—  Dr. 
It shall be done Sir.—  Suck. 
Farewell, good Sir,— we'll make no Wedding of it— Tailor's Lists, and blue Points, shall be both Garters, and Favours—  Fer. 
So much the better— Your servant.  [Exeunt Suck. Ferd. & Driver. Mr. G. G. 
Send them good luck.  Jo. 
And none for me, good Widow?  Mr. G. G. 
O by any means— your Project deserves it.  Jo. 
Am I unkind to you then, that I'd have you take your money again?— No— you are rather beholding to me that have not made those advantages of you, that had I loved your money better than your person, I might have done.  Mrs. G. G. 
In that respect I must confess I am— But pray tell me— How came this humour about?  Jo. 
You may best answer that yourself— You know I loved you, and could not be ignorant, but that I looked upon Sir Gudgenon Credulous as a block in my way, which once removed, I might have the better hopes of kissing the Mistress myself: pray what did you most fancy in him, his person, his parts, or his estate?  Mrs. G. G. 
I was never so greedy to expect all three— I could for a need have excused the two former, to have been well secured of the last.  Jo. 
A right Widow.  Mrs. G. G. 
You men (alas for you) you never mind those little things of Estate— You are above Ordinances— You are altogether for Virtue.  Jo. 
Not so far neither, good Widow— A little of both does no hurt— They do as well together as ill asunder—  Enter Sir Gudgeon. 
— But see! your Haberdasher of small Projects—  Sir Gud. 
Yours, Sir,— Madam— who thought to have found your Ladyship here?  Mrs. G. G. 
Can you blame me, that am so far dipped in your Projects, to inquire at least how things went.  Sir Gud. 
You might have trusted that to me— I dare warrant you a good return, and in few days.— A little time must needs make us either Princes, or Beggars— I hope the first.  Mrs. G. G. 
But suppose the latter?  Sir Gud. 
'Tis not to be supposed— Let me tell the Widow of mine,— Be happy.  Mrs. G. G. 
'Tis the thing we all wish— But how came you to be so confident of a sudden?  Sir Gud. 
Because 'tis impossible we should be otherwise— The work goes pleasantly on— And hark ye, Widow, I am resolved to present thee a piece of Scarlet, for thy own wearing, shall not have a lock of Wool in't— And yet good substantial Cloth.  Mrs. G. G. 
But who makes it, Sir Gudgeon?  Sir Gud. 
What matters that, so you have it— I am promised an Artist, shall do wonders.  Mrs. G. G. 
A small Philosopher I hope?  Sir Gud. 
'Tis not material whether he be or no— I love to trust every man in his way,— what care I whether my Tailor be a good Musician, or my Coachman be able to Con a Ship:— it is enough to me that he perform what I intent him for.— For my own part I am so well assured of the thing, that I could wish I were no Knight, but had stayed to have been made a Lord for altogether— And so let me say to thee once again, Widow of mine— be happy.  Jo. 
For that of Happy, be so as long as you can— But pray take me along with ye— No longer Widow, nor yours I beseech you.  Sir Gud. 
How's this!— Who dare say the contrary?— He were better—  Jo. 
Have broken your Worship's pate:— With this lady's leave— That dare I:— or if you will not believe it— pray, Madam, lend me your Busk.  Sir Gud. 
Mr. Jocose!— 'tis impossible!— I never thought you would have served me thus.  Jo. 
And why not— would you engross all to yourself?— He projects, and She projects too.— Good, Sir Gudgeon,— there's Conscience in every thing.—  Sir Gud. 
'Tis well you are my friend— But do ned ye presume too far.  Jo. 
Further than this Lady I shall not— and yet so far (with her good favour) I ever shall.  Sir Gud. 
But you may come short home— You know the necessity of attending more grand Affairs lies upon me— But—  Jo. 
Does the fool prate?  Mrs. G. G. 
Nay, Mr. Jocose. [Sir Gudgenon runs out.  Jo. 
I obey— And now, Madam, I leave it to your own judgement, how much I was out in my Character— And if there remains any thing to your further satisfaction, pray let me know it.  Mrs. G. G. 
I'll consider of it within. [Exeunt.   

ACT. V.  Enter Mrs. Gotam, Mrs. Squeeze, (severally.) Mrs. Sq. 
MRs. Gotam, well met— whither so fast?  Mrs Got. 
Marry to find out this Rogue that has abused my Husband— I tell thee what, Squeeze, He and his Staff-men have made such a stink in our house, that all the neighbours are up, and cry, A Wedding, a Wedding— I have been this half hour a shaking the Bridelaces off my petticoat.  Mrs. Sq. 
Why, what's the matter?—  Mrs. Got. 
Hang him for a fool— He cries, 'tis a new way of making Gunpowder— But when he's in a condition of receiving it, I'll ring him such a peal— I ll Gunpowder him—.  Mrs. Sq. 
And mine's as bad o'the t'otherside— He's so full of business he's even mad— He talks of nothing but Sonnets, Madrigalds, Acrostics, Love-letters, Wedding-Posies, and I know not what— Well, if thy Husband's Project be the beginning of Love, I am confident mine's the end of't.  Mrs. Got. 
O that these men must do all things by themselves, and never advise with their Wives till it be too late— But I'll make my Gentleman know a piece of my mind before I have done with him.—  Enter Gotam, (sputtering.) Mrs. Sq. 
Peace, peace— here he comes.—  Got. 
Uh— Hum— Puth— ' Taed need be profitable, I am sure 'tis not very toothsome.  Mrs. Got. 
And whither, Gentleman? whither so fast?— Your Wife's nothing with you— But I've a Crow to pluck w'ye— Where's my Coach and the eight Horses you talked of, and the new Dining-room to our Countryhouse— D'ye think to rob me thus.  Got. 
Nay, good wife— dear honey— they're all a coming:— Dost not see what pains I have been taking— and all to make thee a Lady— Prithee— 'tis all for thee— Good faith it is.  Mrs. Got. 
Marry fough— All what?  Got. 
What ever I bring to perfection— Thou must have patience— 'Tis but an Embryo yet.  Mrs. Got. 
Pray leave me off your Brewing, unless it were to better purpose— I was finely holpt up when I married you, and refused more likely men every way, and such as would have maintained me like a woman— But the devil owed me a good turn:—  Got. 
Nay, dear wife— thou art always in this Key— What encouragement can it be to a man, when his wife believes nothing but what she should not?  Mrs. Got. 
Say— speak— what should I believe, or what should I not believe?— you'll teach me, will you?  Got. 
No, good wife— But we may hear one another though.  Mrs. Got. 
I ve heard too much— Thou lets every one lead thee by the Nose, and make thee an Ass and a Beast— And I could find in my heart to make thee too— (Look better to your business) Come come— where be the Keys of the Chest? give 'em me.  Got. 
What to do?  Mrs. Got. 
What to do with my own?— why was it not all mine?— And dost thou grudge me my own?— Go go- try thy Experiments with what thou brought'st thyself, unless they were better or more likely.  Enter Mr. Driver. Got. 
Mr. Driver!— Never in better season.  Dr. 
Why how now Mrs. Gotam,— Sitting in judgement upon your Husband?  Mrs. Got. 
If I do— 'tis my own husband— and one that (if you please Sir) has been fooled enough by you.  Got. 
Nay Wife— you won't spoil all?— the Gentleman is a Civil Gentleman, and an excellent person in his way.  Mrs. Got. 
I ll excellent ye both— What fine Project is this you have put my Husband upon?— Had your Master no one to fool but his own flesh and blood?  Dr. 
What does your Wife mean Mr. Gotam?  Got. 
Alas Sir, if you lived at our house you'd never ask that question— 'tis her ordinary exercise to keep herself in breath.  Mrs. Got. 
I'll breathe you— must you abuse me too! remember this Gentleman.—  Dr. 
But may not I know whence all this heat?  Mrs. Got. 
You know but too well— And as you have brought him on, pray bring him off, or I ll make the house too hot for you and your Master too— I'll powder you.—  Dr. 
And why— How goes it forward?  Got. 
In plain Troth Sir (between ourselves) I half doubt the Woman's mad,— She has thrown all the Tubs about house, and raised the Neighbous about our ears.  Dr. 
And you think you've done a wise action now, to discover in one minute, what some men might have studied their whole lives for, but never found.  Mr. Got. 
Indeed Sir!— And do you believe there was any thing in't?  Dr. 
It matters not whither there were or no— Your own folly [He tares a paper. will best teach you— There— There's the Counterpart of your Articles; and to let you see how much I scorn to take advantage of you, I discharge you of all moneys due by virtue of'em.  Got. 
You've done well Wife— you've made a fair hand ●n't.  Mrs. Got. 
Nay pray Sir.  Enter Squeeze (singing.) Dr. 
Not a word more— I ha' done with't.—  Squeeze. 
And wilt thou gang with me my Jo?  
And wilt thou gang with me?  
Now for thy Daddy's Benison,  
I prithee now gang with me.  Dri. 
I— here's your diligent man,— He has traversed Scotland already.— Now Mr. Squeeze, how goes all affairs?  Sq. 
Why, as a man may say, on Wheels— I had no sooner set up my Bills, and hung out a large Label, with this Inscription in Capital Letters,—  Young Men Advance, and Maidens eke draw near, Here dwells Love's Epistoliographer. 
I say I had no sooner hung it out, than my house was too little to hold the company. O' my Conscience I think Wapping, Ratcliff, and East Smith-old were never so drained since the last great show— I'll undertake, 'twould have made two Gingerbread women for ever.  Dr. 
See here Mr. Gotam!— see what industry can do!— And yet I valued your device at least 50 per Cent. more than this.  Got. 
I'm an unlucky fellow— this a man gets by making his Wife acquainted with his business.  Mrs. Got. 
Nay prithee sweet heart lets home again— I'll try to recover all.  Got. 
Impossible,— or if it werned, the Neighbours have smoked it.— O Mr. Squeeze! what luck you have!  Squeeze. 
My faith I do pretty well, and at small expense— I'll be sworn the Packet of Letters, Familiar Epistles, Academy of Compliments, and two or three of the new Poets, is the greatest charge I have been at— and I am confident I shall, in a short time, be able to bring it into a lesser compass, by Printing some blank Copies of the several kinds, that shall indifferent lie serve to every occasion.  Dr. 
A pretty device and well found out.  Sq. 
But the main thing I built on, troubles me— You remember the Fift Term.—  Dr. 
And what of that?  Sq. 
I have offered it to all the Inns of Court, Chancery, and Commons, and none bids me any thing for't— for they that have any thing to do, cry four is enough, and they that have not, though they shrug their shoulders, and look smilingly on't, yet whither it be, that tother's keep 'em so low, or that they fear they'd in a short time engross this too, though they seem to wish well to't, yet they bid me not a farthing.—  Dr. 
No matter— You'll find enough in this;— You must not be too covetous.  Mrs. Got. 
But good Mr. Driver— Will you assist us at least in the Soap business.  Dr. 
They go together— make one, and t'other follows:— But I'll meddle no more in't— I am too full else-waie.  Got. 
Pray consider of't— and we'll take a turn or two in the Garden the while— Perhaps I may light udon some new proposals.— Mr. Squeeze shall I beg your company?  Sq. 
With all my heart. [Exeunt, all but Driver.  Dr. 
Well, I am gone so far— but how to get clear again, there s the question,— I brought it on, and I hope my Master has by this time thought of some device or other to bring it off.— Enter Sir Gudgeon. Sir Gudgenon Credulous! Your Servant.  Sir Gud. 
Oh Mr. Driver! How have you served me?— I have been trying your Experiment at least 40 ways, and I'm sure my glass as good as any in Christendom, but the Devil of a thread can I make hold, 'twas as rotten as dirt— An old black, died out of a rotten Scarlet, and that too, burnt in the die, is Iron to it.  Dr. 
Sure Sir you're mistaken:  Sir Gud. 
No, no, no— 'tis but too true.  Dr. 
Or did not take the right way:  Sir Gud. 
Oh no— I was exact to the Thousand part of a hair.  Dr. 
Or perhaps over did your work, and so calcined 'em— O'my Conscience if the truth were known this was it— And yet 'tis strange, so grave a Philosopher, that has written so profoundly of Cobwebs, and Perry, should be so much out in his first rudiments.  Sir Gud. 
I know not, but 'tis as I tell you.  Dr. 
You see what 'tis when men cannot be contented to do, but they must overdo— 'Tis well I did not trust you with the business of Malleable Glass— Suppressing Mountebanks,— and Enlarging the City Charter— If I had, 't add been all one.  Sir Gud. 
How's that, good Mr. Driver?— Pray le's hear 'em— They may make amends for tother.  Dr. 
No, no more— I'll never trust a man again that can't go by himself— One of your Years and Intellectuals, and not read without a Fescue!  Sir Gud. 
Come, come— lets try to recover't again.  Dr. 
Never, never— I know, though I han't seen your work, you have spoiled the design; for things of this nature are so nice, and kickish, the least Error renders them irretriveable.— A man had better fix Mercury in a blowing Mill, then offer to think on't.  Sir Gud. 
What remedy then?  Enter Jocose leading Mrs. Godsgood, Sir Gud. walks. Dr. 
Patience, Sir Gudgen, patience.  Sir Gud. 
Hugh— Patience— And had I more, here's that would exercise it all.  Jo. 
And now no longer Widow, be as merry as a good Husband can make thee.  Mrs. G. G. 
I have but your own word for't; and yet hope I shall have no cause to repent the action; 'Twas well said— And I l promise thee (as near as I can) I'll give thee none— But see, Sir Gudgenon Credulous!— He's come to give thee joy.  Sir Gud. 
Joy— Choke 'em— [Aside.  Mrs. G. G. 
Save you, Sir Gudgin— You've been a great stranger— I see I might have even done what I would for all you— you're a kind Suitor!  Sir Gud. 
She jeers me too!— Is it not enough to have injured me, but you must tell me so?  Mrs. G. G. 
I injured you!— forbid it— Pray how goes on our common business?  Sir Gud. 
All evaporated— gone— gone— quite lost—  Mrs. G. G. 
Why— as I understand you, there was to be neither fire nor smoke in 't.  Sir Gud. 
I know not— The Devil was in't— And my new Drape— quite defunct.  Mrs. G. G. 
And do you think it was kindly done to engage me in such a business?  Sir Gud. 
'Twas no more than what I did myself— But I see (now it is too late) that I am merely tricked out of my money, my Widow, and all— But some body shall dearly rue it.  Jo. 
That's not I, Sir Gudgenon— Is it?  Sir Gud. 
No matter whether it be or no— There are other bodies in the world besides yourself.  Jo. 
Yes that there are— There are Bodies Politic, as London and Westminster; and Bodies Simple, as Sir Gudgeon and his Participants.  Sir Gud. 
D'ye hear this, Mr. Driver?— I shall order you i'faith, if there be any Law between the Mount in Cornwall and Berwick Stairs.  Dr. 
However, Sir, I am to thank you that you have been pleased to lend me some money to defend the Suit.  Sir Gud. 
Well— look to 't— I say no more.—  [He offers to go out, Jo. stops him. Jo. 
No departing in wrath, good Sir Gudgeon— One does not know what you may do to yourself— You had better stay a while and take a little advice with you:— Go— go down into the Country and awe your poor neighbours with my Lords nod, or his whisper in your ear at parting— Study Longitude and the Philosopher's Stone; The North-West Passage, and the Square of a Circle— So brave a Sir Poll, trouble himself with trifles!— By no means— no— no— Embark for the Indies in a Cockboat, or to France on a Millstone; Plant a Colony in Terra Incognita, or settle an Intelligence with the Emperor of Utopia— These were fit for Sir Gudgenon!—— Hae tibi sunt arts!  Sir Gud. 
Well, Sir, well— 'tis your time now.  Jo. 
Or if you love the smoke o'the Town better— Enter yourself a Vertuoso, and sit in Judgement on every man but yourself— Never open your mouth with less than a Cabal, and yet speak little, for fear you be understood— However let your sententious Toothpick speak for you, that you could say more, if you durst trust the Company, or were not under an Oath of secrecy:— Sir Gudgenon beat his brains about ordinary matters!— fie— fie—  Enter Suckdrie hugging himself. Sir Gud. 
You do well, Sir—  Suck. 
Not cost a man two pence a year the keeping— O rare!— Mr. Driver—  Jo. 
See! here's another of your Brethren— Prithee, Driver, entertain him, while I look to the Knight.  Sir Gu. 
So— keep me a prisoner too— you fear nothing.  Suck. 
Well met— well met, Sir Gudgenon— I sent you home the Boy and the Girl— Ha—? [To Jocose.  Jo. 
They are within.  Suck. 
But hark, Mr. Driver— A word— Ha'ye fitted out the Horse yet?  Dr, 
And over-fitted too— What's worse than ill luck?— Certain we are bewitched.  Suck. 
As how, as how, as how, Mr. Driver?— no hurt I hope, good Mr. Driver?  Dr. 
Yes faith, Sir— But it could not be helped.  Suck. 
What? what? what? what? what I pray?  Do. 
Why faith as he was coming full speed down Highgate-hill, he tripped upon a stone, fallen, and broke his leg short off.  Suck. 
Uh— undone for ever— No good to be done with him now?— Speak— Ha?—  Dr. 
Why truly— he may be made serve again— To the Court of Guard, or so— But I fear me, not without some charge.  Suck. 
Uh— Charge— What a fool was I to be so forward in this Match, till I had seen what would have come of t'other?  Dr. 
How, Sir?— is my young Master so cheap with you already?  Enter Ferdinand leading Nancy, both in rich apparel. Suck. 
Why that's some comfort yet— He'll save it up again by little.— Oh? Driver!— what's this I see— surely this house is the Land of Visions— My Daughter in beaten Satin— Held me— I faint— I faint— Uh—  Fer. 
Come, my dear— And now no more of your No prey I thank ye— 'Twas well carried.  Nan. 
While I was at my Fathers, blame me not if I obeyed him, and now his Election has made me yours, I hope I shall not so mistake the person, as to pay you less.  Fer. 
That's a pretty Rogue.  Nan. 
O my father— Good Sir, help—  Fer. 
Certain he never got her— Nay were she not my wife, I'd swear it— What's the matter?— stand off and give him Air.  Suck. 
Uh— Hu— my son and all!— And all to be daubed!— Is this the thrifty Gentleman?— Uh— How apt is even the best ground to run into weeds?— Uh— Uh—  Fer. 
Come, pray Sir, do not disquiet yourself, or judge me by my outside— 'tis the way to be mistaken a second time.  Suck. 
Is this founded upon Nature?— This the habit of the ancient Philosophers?— It had not been amiss, if while they pretended to instruct others, they had yet taught themselves.  Fer. 
Let me supply that defect, if yet you doubt it.  Suck. 
This the keeping your wife in mourning, to save Linen and washing?— This the burnt Cat's skin we talked of?— defend her from what follows.  Fer. 
Pray Sir hear me— And though I did a while put a force upon my Nature to humour you, be not now disturbed that I am yet at last come to myself again.  Suck. 
Uh,— vh He believes these things are death to me, and will murder me, though it be but to scatter that little which with so much pains I have raked together.  Ferd. 
Do not misconceive me,— 'Tis my desire you may live and enjoie what you have.— The Earth, though she conveys the water through her veins, is allowed yet, to suck in as much as may refresh herself.  Suck. 
I was right— He is resolved to break my heart.  Fer. 
Pray Sir hear me, and set not up your rest on that, which simply considered, is not that blessing the world takes it for.— No,- Wealth not enjoyed, is but a dead heap of muck, and the same unactive lump in the Chest, it was in the Mine.— Were you master of all the most mighty could wish, did you not only possess riches, but tread on 'em— should fortune cover you with gold, and were your wealth as boundless as your eye, yet had you not a heart to use't, you would but from thence learn to covet more, and those false desires having no limit, would become as infinite as error.  Suck. 
Uh— vh— no mercy!  Fer. 
Let me prevail— good Sir— You cannot but hear a man that pleads against his own interest— You have enough; why should you deny yourself, at least, a moderate use of it? Why should ye be fearful to approach it, and yet be jealous of others? (like the sensitive Plant, shrink at the touch, and cramp into a Convulsion) Why should ye use your wealth (as Anglers their little fish) 〈◊〉 to bait for more? Or why degrade yourself from that 〈◊〉 wherein Nature set ye, by a voluntary sale of your 〈◊〉 Slavery?— In a word, why should you possess that with pain, which others behold with envy? Such as (in itself) rather threatens, than profits, and thus obtained becomes not the end, but change of misery.— Come— Pray Sir.  Suck. 
How shall I believe him?— He said as much on t'other side ere while— Give me leave. [Suck. offers to go out, Jocose stops him.  Jo. 
I'll be his security— Pray stay a little,— All will be well—  Enter Squeeze, Gotam, and their Wives. 
Oh Gentlemen you're welcome— Now Sir Gudgeon, what think you of reconciling all interests?  Sir Gu. 
You're in your own house— You may do what you list.  Jo. 
No more of that, I pray— I must have all friends though to my own loss.— And therefore, to be short, let me tell you Sir Gudgeon, that finding you so inclined to Projects, I thought you might be instrumental to mine, and I have compassed 'em— This, 
* He points to the Widow and Nancy  for myself, and that for my Son— for any thing beyond that, I am wholly a stranger to 't— For I ever looked upon Projectors, like the Dogs in the Fable, that burst themselves, by endeavouring to drink up the Pond, that they might the easier come at the carcase, that floated on the middle of't.—  Mrs. Got. 
And do you think to carry't off thus?— Dost look like a Sheep-biter and seest thyself laughed at?  [To her Husband. Jo. 
Pray Gentlewoman— with your good patience a little— The Use may chance to be more comfortable than the Doctrine— For once I'll be the Author of an ill Court-President, You shall all have your Money again.  Sir Gu. 
Say you so Mr. Jocose!— Now send us more such Courtiers— Come Gentlemen we will be friends before his mind alter— 'Tis ten to one but he had been too hard for us.  Got. 
Indeed might he have been.  Suck. 
And so he has been for me.  Sq. 
I shall lose nothing by't.  Jo. 
What say ye Gentlemen, d'ye like my motion?  Sir Gu. 
I— ay— Mr. Suckdry shall be ruled by me.  Suck. 
That's more than you know though.  Omnes. 
Come— pray Sir.  Sir Gu. 
'T'as taught us wit.  Jo. 
And I hope you'll consider your tutor Driver.  Sir Gu. 
Well— well— leave him to me.  Jo. 
And so, you're pleased?— And you,— And you,— And you,— And I hope [They answer several. 
The same of 
* The Pit.  you— since now at last you find,  
Who ploughs the Clouds, shall only reap the Wind.   [Exeunt Omnes.   

ERRATA.  
BEfore the three first Acts you'll find Scaen. 1. Wherein the Printer mistook his Copy; be pleased to blot 'em: each Act being but one Scene, and the Stage throughout the whole Play kept full,— The rest, being at most but literal, leaves to your favour.   

Epilogue.  

PLAYS, are but Morals, and the Ancients,  
That first wrapped Truth in Tales, had their intents.  
Full well they knew, nothing discovered Vice,  
Like its own Picture— So we hope of this:  
How ill Suckdrie appears! How oddly those,  
That grasp at Shadows, and the Substance lose!  
Take you the Moral right— and say— The Stage  
Then does its Work, when it reforms the Age.   
FINIS.