The Delectable History OF Poor Robin The Merry Saddler of WALDEN. SHOWING Many merry Passages of his Life, of harmless Mirth, to lengthen Delight, and drive away Melancholy. Printed for J. Conyers, Bookseller, at the sign of the black Raven in Fetter-Lane, near Holborn. To his unknown Friend, POOR ROBIN, the Subject of this merry History. SIR, you are happy thus to have your name Enrolled in the Calendar of fame: What others with much hazard scarce attain, You by the kindness of your friend do gain. You'll need no Monument over your Grave To tell the world you were; this book will save Such needless cost, and make your name survive So long as any one shall be alive. You by his pen have equal honour won, With Scoggin, Archy, and the Knight o'th'Sun. Come when it will, your deaths uncertain hour Which o'er your Body only hath a power; Yet shall your fame survive, your name shall live Such grace the Muses to these lines do give. William Lawsintney. The Delectable HISTORY of Poor Robin, The Merry Saddler of Walden. CHAP. 1. The Birth of Poor Robin; how he was bound Apprentice to a Saddler, and what a trick he served his Master. POor Robin was born in Saffron Walden, in the County of Essex, of honest plain Parents, who brought him up not as our nice Dames do now adays, by ejecting of him how much he should eat, but as the fashion was then, full fed with gross meats; to that in few years he grew a sturdy Lad and considering his growth and manners, a man might well say, Better fed than taught: His Father being willing he should be able to live in the World another day, ●ound him an Apprentice to a Saddler, one who fitted Robin's humour to a hair; for the Master loving strong drink, he thought it should go hard if the man likewise did not sometimes wet his lips with it. It fortuned one time his Master had brewed a Barrel of Beer stronger than ordinary, to the drinking up of which poor Robin one night invites five or six of his Comrades, who before the next morning drank it all up: Poor Robin to excuse himself draws the Spigot out, and throws a Pail full of small Beer, and two or three Pails full of Water under the Tap, and by a wile gets a great Sow into the Cellar; so the next morning when his master arose, all was quiet, and the Sow was blamed for what the Boar-Pig had done. CHAP 2. How poor Robin served his Master for sitting up late at Night. POor Robin's Master had gotten a Custom that the man did not like of, which was that after he had tippled all day, (sometimes till ten or eleven a Clock at night) he would then come home, and fall asleep in a Chair: during which time his man must not go to Bed, but wait until his Master awaked. Poor Robin to break him of this evil Custom: one night when his Master came home sound fuddled, and fallen asleep in his Chair, as he was used to do, he made a great fire, and then draws his master's Legs so near thereto, that his Toes touched some of the Coals; which being done, he sits him down in the other corner, to observe the sequel: long had he not sat, but his master's Shoes began to fry, whereupon he suddenly awakes, and jumps about as if he had been mad: the man all this while Counterfeits himself asleep, nor would not seem to awake for a good space: at last seeming much to pity his Master's misfortune, they went to bed: but never after that would his master sit up again to sleep in his Chair. Chap. 3. How poor Robin served a Rich Miser. IN the same Town lived a Rich Miser, who had wealth enough to have been Treasurer of the Town, and Wisdom answerable for a Beadle of a Parish: this man fuller of faith than good Works, would neither feast the Poor, to relieve their wants, nor yet the Rich, to maintain Brotherly Unity. Poor Robin, who hated bad house-keeping as he hated the Devil, resolved to put a trick upon him, the time of year (being then Christmas) made fit for his purpose, and counterfeiting himself to be the Gentleman's man, about ten or eleven a Clock at night, just when people were in Bed, he calls at sundry men's doors, inviting them the next day to his Masters (naming the Gentleman's name) to Dinner; whereupon the next day appeared the number of two and twenty in their Roast-meat Apparel, but contrary to their expectation, finding small preparation towards a Dinner, they began to wonder wherefore he had invited them: the Gentleman as much wondered wherefore they came: at last the truth being cleared on both sides, some laughed, and some frowned, and so they all departed home. CHAP. 4. How poor Robin married, and set up for himself. POor Robin having served out his Apprenticeship, would needs set up for himself, and thereupon hires him a House and Shop; yet considering it was inconvenient for him to live alone, and that two heads were better than one, he resolved to do as many others have done, marry in haste, though he repent at leisure. But yet his fortune was better than his deserts: for though she were but a homely Woman with▪ whom he joined in Matrimony, yet was she provident to live in the World▪ and for his own part, he stood not much upon beauty, but had rather have a fat Purse than a fair Wife, seeing there was great profit in the one, and less danger of being made a Cuckold by the other; never did couple agree more lovingly together than did this pair at first; insomuch, that Duck and Lamb were the ordinary terms he bestowed upon her: Whereupon a Wit▪ of the Town hearing this loving language betwixt them, made this Epigram to be read by any that can understand it. Poor Robin thinks his Wife excels most Dames, And calls her Duck and Lamb, with such kind Names; A Duck's a Fowl, a Lamb's a Beast we know Poor Robin's Wife's a foul Beast than I trow. CHAP. V. How poor Robin served one of his▪ Companions a slovens trick. POor Robin having set up for himself, (as you have heard) he would oftentimes travel abroad into the Country, to get acquaintance amongst the Gentry; it happened one time, being belated homeward, and his Brain intoxicated with the juice of Bacchus, that he took up his Quarters in a Country Alehouse, where notwithstanding he had gotten a lusty jag before, yet fell he to drinking of Beer and Cider as if his belly▪ were bottomless: at length growing sleepy, he went to bed, where it was his chance to be lodged in the same Chamber where one of his Acquaintance was already in Bed: who as he lay down sooner than poor Robin, so the next morning was he sooner got up, providing a Pot and a Toast ready against poor Robin arose, but a foul mischance befell poor Robin in the mean time, for the Wine, Beer, and Cider not agreeing together in his Body, he very mannerly (sir reverence) beshit the Bed. Whereupon not knowing what to do, and being loath to be discredited, a Crotthet came in his Crown, which he presently put in Execution: he takes the stinking Sheets from off his own bed, and lays them on his Friends, and then takes his and lays them on his own bed: so spreading the Coverlid, as if nothing were amiss, he makes himself ready, and down Stairs he goes; no sooner was he below, but his friend Arrests him at Mr. Fox's Suit, and by all means would make him pay his Groat for being drunk; poor Robin excused himself as well as he could, and would be judged by his Landlord whether he was fuddled or no; whilst they were thus brangling about paying the Groat, the Maid went up into the Chamber to make the beds; but▪ finding the one of them in a pitiful pickly, she came chafing down, calling the man beastly fellow, and nasty Knave, with other Billingsgate Language, such as came first at her tongue's end, the man imagined her to be mad, thus to scold for nothing, till in the end she told him in plain terms, he had beshit the bed. La ye now, quoth poor Robin, I will be judged by my Landlord, whether of us was most fuddled last night: Truly, said the Host, I can judge no other ways but that he was, else would he never a played such a nasty Trick: Whereupon it was adjudged by all the company that the man should pay his Groat, and poor Robin go scot-free. CHAP. 6. Of a very sad disaster that befell unto poor Robin. IT happened on a time during these late unhappy Wars, that all the Essex Train-Bands were assembled at Walden, to Resist the King's Forces, who in a Bravado had made their Excursions as far as unto Huntingdon: amongst other Military Weapons of Destruction, they brought with them a Drake, which they planted just under poor Robin's Chamber window, to be shot off at nine of the Clock in the night, for a warning to all people to repair home. Poor Robin and his wife were at that time newly gone to Bed: now it is to be understood, that the Chamber where they lay went but half way over the Room below, a Rail of about some four foot high being set up by the side to ●●ep them from falling, close by which Rail was poor Robin's Bed: the season then being indifferent warm, and poor Robin apt for Uenerial Exercises, he would needs have a touch upon Cracket with his Wife, but whilst they were busy at their port, the Drake was shot off, which poor Sarah his wife hearing▪ in a marvellous fright, gave a sudden start, and threw poor Robin quite over the Rail into the Room below, and very foully be wrayed the bed, poor Robin himself much bruised in body, and half dead, at length got up, but his Courage was so cooled with the greatness of the fall, that he had more mind to go to a Chirurgeon than a wench. CHAP. 7. How poor Sarah was cheated of her Mutton. POor Sarah on a time had made a very great Pie, wherein she had put a whole Loin of Mutton, besides store of other Meat, so that it was valued to be worth five or six shillings at least; this Pie she sent to the common Oven to bake, which being perceived by three or four mercy Blades, they resolved if they could possibly to cheat her of the Pie, which at last they brought to pass, in this manner: at such time as the Baker used to draw, two of them went and held poor Sarah in a Tale, whilst the other sent one of her Neighbours boys to the Bakehouse with a Peal, a Napkin, and Money for the baking. The Baker mistrusting no Knavery, delivered the Boy the Pie, which was presently carried to the next Alehouse, whither inviting some more of▪ their Companions unto them, with much mirth and laughter they eat it up: and because the jest should be publicly known, they set the Crier to work, 〈◊〉 published the same in every. Corner of the Town. CHAP. 8. How poor Robin kissed his Wife's Backside instead of her Mouth. POor Robin having been out very late one night, his understanding being Eclipsed, he mistook himself, and went in at the Beds-feet instead of the head of it: where remembering how by his ll husbandry he had offended his Wife, to appease her anger, he falls to kissing her posteriors, imagining it had been her Mouth, but finding the platform bigger than his face, he asks her the question if her Cheeks were swelled: she for answer returns him a Foist, which made him to ask her again, if her breath did stink: whereupon she bursting out in a very great laughter, let fly such a crack, that the grains flew about his face: whereupon in a great rage turning him on the other side, You beastly quean (quoth he) must you spit in my face, the Devil himself shall kiss you, ere I will kiss you again. CHAP. 9 How poor Robin eat Dogs-stones instead of Lambs stones. AS poor Robin was more addicted to flesh than to fish, so of all sorts or flesh he loved a dish of Lambs-stones best: a merry-disposed Companion knowing his Appetite, resolved to put a trick upon him: a Gentleman of the Town who kept a park of Hounds, having gelt his Dogs, he gets the Stones, and with a few Swéet-kreads, presents them to poor Revin as a dainty dish. Poor Robin very thankful for so great a kindness, would not stay, but presently had them dressed, making all the haste he could for fear any should come in to be partakers with him in his Dinner: but having eaten them and understood the truth, he fell on spewing as if his Gall would come up with it: Poor Sarah in like manner disgorged her Stomach. that who should have seen them, would have concluded them drunk with eating. CHAP. X. A witty Jest that poor Robin gave to a Sergeant THe Bleu Regiment of Train Soldiers being on a time at Walden, one of the Sergeants to show his bravery, had gotten a great Bleu Scarf about his middle, being as much or more than the Ensign had in his Colours. Poor Robin thinking him to be too fine to fight, would venture to put a jeer upon him: and calling to him, asked if he wanted any work, why, quoth the Sergeant, what makes you to ask? O, cry you mercy, quoth poor Robin, I was mistaken in you, I took you at first for a Shoemaker, because you had gotten your Eleu Apron before you. CHAP. XI. How poor Robin won five shillings by kissing his Hostess. POor Robin with some other of his Mates, being drinking in an Alehouse where was an exceeding tall Hostels, one of them proffered to lay five shillings, (because poor Robin was low) that he should not kiss her as he stoo●● upon the ground: Poor Robin nothing daunted at his words, accepted the challenge and covered the Money: but when he went to kiss her, his mouth would not reach much higher than her Apron strings: Whereupon proffering as though he would put his hand under her Coats, he made her stoop to put it by; then he clasping his Arms about her neck, gave her a kiss, and so won the wager. Chap. 12. Poor Robin's sayings of Ambitious men. POor Robin being in company with some Gentlemen, who were talking of the Ambition of many men now a days, that would venture the loss of their Souls for the gaining of a Kingdom: yea, (quoth poor Robin) but the success of many of them is far different from King Saul's: for he in seeking for Asses found a Kingdom: and they in seeking a Kingdom, find themselves to be Asses. Chap. 13. Poor Robin's Journey to London. POor Robin having never been at London in his Life, and very desirous to see the City. whose same rang so soud in every Man's mouth, he resolved to make a Journey thither, and spend some time in viewing the Rarities of the same: but because he was unacquainted with the City customs, he got a companion of his to go along with him: no sooner were they passed Aldgate, but poor Robin seeing such a number of signs, he whispered with his friend, Certainly (quoth he) they must needs he all drunkards that lives in this place, I never saw so many Alehouses together in my Life: and thereupon beckoning to his Companion, enters into one of the Shops, and calls for a Jugg of Beer: but they making him acquainted with his error, how they Sold no drink, but if he wanted any thing else they could furnish him with it: he presently without any studying, asks them to show him a pair of Hedging Gloves: whereupon changing their opininion, instead of a fool they took him for a jeering Companion: and to fit him for his Gloves, had him to the Pump, and sound vedrencht him from the head to the foot. Yet notwithstanding this ●art● Entertainment at first, having occasion to go through Birching-Lane, and being asked by the Sales-men, Countryman, what lack▪ you? Marry, quoth he, that which I fear you cannot furnish me withal: and being importuned by them to know what it was, Why, (quoth he) that which you have none of, I mean Honesty. Night approaching, Poor Robin and his walking Mate repaired to their Inn, where after they had supped, and drank five or six Juggs of Beer with the Host of the House and some of his men, (for Innkeepers servants drink most of their Beer at other men's cost) his Friend loving no Tobacco, and poor Robin himself defying that Heathenish Weed, to pass away the time, they agreed amongst themselves, that every one of the Company should either tell a Tale, or sing a Song. Poor Robin, who first mentioned the same, beginning in this manner. Chap. 14. A Tale of a Pack of Cards. NOt many Ages since, a Parson of a Country village, was accused to a Committee that he was a great Gamester at Cards: being so addicted thereunto, that he would oftentimes play on Sundays: the Committee thus informed, sent forthwith for the Parson, to answer his accusation: who receiving the Warrant, made no excuses or delay, but with all the haste he could, made his appearance before them; with whom also came the Informer to justify his Accusation. Being thus met together, the Committee began to school the Parson, that one of his calling should be addicted to such Vice, as to be noted for a Common player at Cards. Indeed, said the Parson, I am so far from the same, that I do not know what a pair of Cards meaneth. Sir, qd. the Informer, if you please to search his Pockets, I believe you will find a pair there at this present, for he seldom goeth without such tackling; whereupon the Committee commanding his pockets to be searched, they found a pair of Cards there indeed: but the Parson denied them for to be Cards, saying, they may be Cards to you, but to me they are an Almanac: and being demanded how he could make it appear, he answered thus: First (quoth he) here is as many suits of Cards as there be quarters in a year; and as many Court Cards as there be months in a year; as many Cards as there are weeks in a year; and as many spots as there be days in a year. Then when I look upon the King, it puts me in mind of the allegiance that I owe to my Sovereign Lord the King, looking upon the queen, puts me in mind of the like Allegiance that I owe to the Queen; the ten puts me in mind of the ten Commandments, the nine of the nine Muses; the eight of the eight Altitudes; the seven of the seven liberal Sciences; the six of the six days we ought to labour in: the five of the five Senses; the four of the four Evangelists; the three of the Trinity; the two of the two Sacraments: & the Ace, that we ought to worship but one God. Truly, quoth the Committee, if this he all the use you can make of them. I can sinned no great fault with you; but Mr. Parson, of all the Cards that you have nominated, you have forgotten the Knave, pray what use make you of him? O sir, said he, pointing to him that was his accuser) that I suppose is your Worship's Informer. CHAP. XV. How poor Robin served a Bricklayer. NOt long after, poor Robin having been late abroad amongst his Pot-companions and being elevated with Béer, he resolved once more to counterfeit himself a Gentleman's man, at the same time was a very deep Snow, whereupon he calls at a Bricklayers house, telling him his Master (naming a Gentleman that lived some two mile off, and where he knew that Bricklayer used to work) would have him come on the morning, and bring. a bunch of Lath with him, to mend up a seiling which the Snow had broken down; the next morning the Bricklayer got up be times, and with a bunch of Lath on his shoulder, went to the Gentleman's house, being each step almost up to the knees in Snow, but the weather was not more cold than his entertainment, for the Gentleman thinking he came to jeer him, swore at him like a Cutpurse. Whereupon the poor Bricklayer was forced to go home again like a fool as he came. Chap. 16. A Scottish Marriage. WE don't use to Wad in Scotland as you wad in England; Jockey comes to the Kirk, & takes sir Donkyn by the Rochet and says good morn sir Donkyn. What's the matter Jockey, what's the matter? a Wadding, a Wadding says he, Deant you see the Hoppets and the Skippets, and all the Lads of the Gang? Ise do, Ise come to you believe. Then Sir Donkyn Gangs to the Kirk; ay spee, and I spee; ho a Deal do you spee? Jockey of the high Lane, and Jenny of the long Cliff: if any know why these twa may not be wadded together, let them now speak, or hold their tongues in the Deals Name. Jockey, wilt thou ha Jenny to thy wadded Wife? I sha', Jockey sand after me, I sha'; Jockey wilt thou ha Jenny to thy wadded Wife, forsaking all Soons, Lubbar-loons, swig-bellied Calves, black Lips, and blue Noses? ay forsooth. If these twa be not as well wadded as e'er I wadded two these seven years, the Deal and St. Andrew part them. The wadding being ended, all the company went to bed; where we will leave them till the next morning, to relate poor Robin's perambulation about the City. Chap. 17. Poor Robin's perambulation about the City. NO sooner did Apollo begin to appear in the Eastern Horizon, but poor Robin shaking off melaneholly sleep roused his companion to prepare himself for their intended perambulation: and having armed themselves with a pot of happy Ale, they took their first walk to see the Royal Exchange, a most magnificent structure, built by Sir Thomas Gresham, from thence they went to take a view of Leaden Hall, but, the exceeding bravery of the Exchange had so dimned the beauty of this place, that was nothing pleasing to poor Robin's eye, he made no tarrying there, but went presently down to the Tower, where having seen the Lions, and from the Wharf taken a superficial view of the Bridge, as also of some Ships, upon the River of Thames, weary of beholding such triaial matters as these, he had far more devotion to go see a Puppet-play; where for one penny charges he saw that which gave him far more content than any thing he had seen before, so admirable pleasing to his fancy was it, to see how those little pretty things hoped about: but lest he should take a surfeit with such ravishing delights, his Friend persuaded him to go see the ancient Cathedral of St. Paul, being at that present made a Horse-guard by the Soldiers, which poor Robin beholding, What blessed Reformation, quoth he, have we here, for in our Country can we scarce persuade men to go to Church, and here comes men and horses too; but having quickly satisfied themselves with the sight of Paul's, they would in the next place to visit Westminster, the rather because it was at that present Term time; where beholding such a number of Lawyers in their Gowns, Good God, said he, send me safe out of this place, if two or three make such a quarter in our Town, certainly there would be no abiding there for men in their wits. A Country Gentleman overhearing hint, I remember (quoth he) I overheard a story of a certain man, that went down into Hell, wherein he beheld men of all professions, age, and conditions, saving only Lawyers, which made him the more to wonder, because he imagined them all there, and ask the Devil the reason thereof, he made this reply, We have them here though you see them not, but we are forced to keep them in a Room by themselves, lest they should set all the devils in Hell at variance. Poor Robin laughed very heartily at this tale, and having now satisfied his mind concerning London, he returned to his Inn, and having discharged all reckonings, his friend and he returned home. Chap. 18. Many odd Whimsies and Conceits of poor Robin. POor Robin daily frequenting the Tavern and Alehouse, had learned of his Companions many drunken Whimsies and other odd Conceits, as the five properties that belongs, to an Host, that He must have the Head of a Stag, the back of a Nag, the Belly of a Hog, skip up and down like a Frog, and lie and fawn like a Dog. As also. four ingrepients whereof a woman's tongue is made, viz. The sound of a great Bell, the wagging of a Dog's tail, the shaking of an Aspenleaf, tempered with Running Water. These following Paradoxes were also very often rehearsed by poor Robin. Spurs would be out of fashion were it not for Horse-coursers. True men would be scarce, were not Tailors so plentiful. Many men are forced to climb the Gallows, yet few like Dogs are hanged for their skins. A Miller is a right time-observer, for he evermore turns with the Wind. A silent Woman is a Creature to be admired, (if scarceness may breed admiration.) When poor Robin had gotten a cup in his crown, as it oftentimes happened, he would be then playing the Poet, and nothing but rhyme should come out of his mouth; for as one writes: Poet and Pot do differ but one letter, And that makes Poet love the pot the better Amongst other of his Conceits, this following Comparison was much used by him. Like a purse that hath no chink in't, Or a Cellar, and no drink in't; Like a jewel never worn, Or a Child untimely born: Like a Song without a foot, Or a Bond and no Hand to it: Such doth she seem unto mine eyes That lives a Virgin till she dies. Women, said he, are all in extremes, either too willing, or too wilful; too forward, or too froward; too courteous, or too coy; too friendly, or too fiendly, the mean they always meanly account of. This made 〈◊〉 a Ruler in Carthage, refuse to 〈◊〉; saying. If I marry a Wife, she will be wilful, if wealthy, then wanton; if poor, than 〈◊〉; if beautiful, then proud; if deformed, then loathsome, and the least of these is able to kill a thousand men. FINIS. Books printed for and sold by Joshua Conyers at the Black Raven in Fetter-lane. 1. THe Rules of Civility, or the Art of good Breeding and Behaviour. 2. Lilies new E●●a pater, or prognostication for ever. 3. The English Fortune-teller, describing by the Moles of the Face, and by palmistry by the Lines of the hand, and Dreams, the good and bad fortune of Men and Women. 4. The Shepherds new Calendar, a Book of Fortune. 5. A hundred notable things for a penny. 6. The English Mountebanks new Book of Merry Conceits. 7. Second part of Dr. Faustus. 8. The History of Fortunatus. 9 A new Academy of Compliments, with new Songs, sung at Court and playhouse. 10. A new parliament of Women. 11. Dr. Lilies last Legacy, a Book of choice Receipts of physic. 12. Dr. Culpeper's English physicians daily practise, a Book of choice Receipts of physic 13. Dr. Salvator Winter's new Book of choice Receipts of physic and Chirurgery. 14. The Lady's cabinet, a new Book of cookery 15. The History of Reynard the Fox. Where Chapmen may be furnished with all sorts of Books and Baltads.