THE Dancing-School. WITH THE ADVENTURES OF THE Easter holidays. LONDON, Printed by I. How, in the Ram-head-Inn-Yard, in Fanchurchstreet, 1700. Books Sold by J. How, in the Ram-Head-Inn-Yard in Fanchurchstreet; J. Weld, at the Crown between the Temple-Gates in Fleetstreet; and Mrs. Fabian, at Mercers-Chappel in Cheapside. 1. SOt's Paradise: Or the Humours of a Derby-Ale-House: With a satire upon the Ale. Price Six Pence. 2. A Trip to jamaica: With a True Character of the People and Island. Price Six Pence. 3. Eclesia & Factio. A Dialogue between Bow-Steeple-Dragon, and the Exchange-Grashopper. Price Six Pence. 4. The Poet's Ramble after Riches. With Reflections upon a Country Corporation. Also the Author's Lamentation in the time of Adversity. Price Six Pence. 5. A Trip to New-England. With a Character of the Country and People, both English and Indians. Price Six Pence. 6. Modern Religion and Ancient Loyalty: A Dialogue. Price Six Pence. 7. The World Bewitched. A Dialogue between Two Astrologers and the Author. With Infallible Predictions of what will happen from the Vices and Villainies Practised in Court, City and Country. Price Six Pence. 8. A Walk to Islington: With a Description of New Tunbridge-wells, and Sadler's Music-house. Price Six Pence. 9 The Humours of a Coffeehouse: A Comedy. Price Six Pence. 10 A Frolic to Horn-Fair. With a Walk from Cuckold's-Point through Deptford and Greenwich. Price sixpence. 11. The First Volume of the LONDON-SPY? In Twelve Parts. 12. The First, Second Third, and Fourth Parts of the Second Volume of the London-Spy. All Written by the same Author. THE Dancing-School, etc. IN the Week before Easter, when Schoolboys plead their old Charter of Omnia Bene, in opposition to the Tyrannical Injunction of Buttock-Pennance, inflicted according to the Arbitrary Wills of those Grammarian Monarches, who Govern absolute in their Kingdoms of Instruction, who now, pursuant to an old Custom, submit to a Cessation of Birch Arms, by which they used to Rule, Awe, and Terrify their Infant Subjects; and when women's Tailors were as busy in Turning of old Gowns, and Repairing the Decayed Ornaments of Maids, Wives, and Widows, to set them off, as Nature does the Season of the Year, to the best advantage, that they may walk with their Gallants to Islington, and there make as great a Consumption of Bottle-Ale and Plumb-Cakes, as ever was made of Pig, Pork, and pricked Wines, during the Revels of St. Bartholomew: 'Twas then I found my Blood had acquired a pleasing warmth, and as it Circulated through its Channels, gave to each Vein a Voluntary Titillation, without either Female Dalliance, or the force of Imagination; that I began to be as Rampant as a Parson's Bull in the Spring, turned into new Pasture; and could think of nothing but fine Faces, Charming Bubbies, Plump Hips, Soft Bellies, Condescending Mo-Mo-Modicums, and such sort of strange Whimsies; that I found myself almost as Mad as Women Troubled with a Fura Matricis, and could not any longer be without the Nocturnal, as well as Diurnal Happiness of Female Conversation. In order to Lawfully procure to myself this mistaken Blessing, which every Fool Admires till he Enjoys, and Enjoys till he Despises, I began to consider the easiest and most probable means of obtaining this delightful Fangle, or Modish Bauble, called a Woman; and such an one as a Man might be Content to be Plagued with all days of his Life, for the sake only of the Old Trade of Basket-making; at last, I made this Result, from some hours Deliberation, That the common Method Citizens take to be made Cuckolds, might be as ready a Road to Matrimony, as any Man could think on: Upon which I bought me about two Pound and a half of Wig, two or three els of Cravat, had a Gold Hatband Stitched cross the Crown of my Hat, and the Frogs of my Belt let down as low as the Rowls of my Stockings: Thus at a few Guineas Expense, made myself as pretty a Fool in Fashion, as any's to be seen at Fop's Coffee-house, or amongst the Audience at a New Play. When thus Equipped, it being a great Ball-Week, I had recourse to a Dancing-School, which I thought was the best Rendesvouz of willing Tits, that a Man under my Circumstance could desire to shake his Breech amongst, by a little Sealed Warrant, commonly called a Ticket, which I had procured from the Lord Caperer Paramount, of Currant, Minuet, and Bory; I obtained admittance, Crowding in with a parcel of Grave Matrons, who had left their Husbands at home, some to keep Shop, and othres to keep Bars, whilst themselves became Spectators of their pretty Daughter's Perfections. I had not been long settled amidst the Motherly Assembly of Cheapside-Quality, but I found myself as Warm as a Dutch Woman's Honour, when a Stove's under her Petticoats; being quickly brought into such a fine Breathing Sweat, that I began to be much about as easy under the Heat, as a new Married Man under Matrimony at Midsummer, that like him what I expected would have proved a Pleasure, I found now to be downright Drudgery; as soon as the Room was fully furnished with fine Ladies, who were ranged by the Master of the Revels, in as regular an order, as Painted Gallipots in an Apothecary's Shop; the pretty Female Poppets who were to Entertain the Company with some new French Fegaries, and feats of Activity, were Ushered into Public View, adorned with precious Stones, collected from several parts of the Town, to set off their Nursery of Bellfa's to the best Advantage; who came in by two, and two, as exactly Paired as ever I saw Coach Horses; and drooping their Honours to the Assembly, moved cross the Room to their Places, as Formal, and as Stiff, as Figures in a Rareeshow, or a Lord Mayor and Court of Aldermen, going to deliver an Address to show the City's Loyalty; several Branches as well as Sconces of Candles being lighted, and the Room being Crammed as full of Company, as St. Bride's Church, upon a Spittle Psalm at Easter, or an Anthem on Cicelia's Day: The Scholars being ranged upon Forms or Shelves in several Degrees, one above another, the biggest being seated uppermost, like the great Dishes in a Kitchen above the Plates; but were so mightily infected with the Green Sickness, that the paleness of their Faces made their Heads look in rows like the Poor's Whiteloaves in a Church: A Concert of Coleyard-Musick was thrust up into a Bow-Window, where they sat thrashing of Minuets and Bories, till their Faces Reigned Sweat upon their Papers and their Instruments, and made 'em look with as good a Gloss, as if they had been new Varnished; but stopping the Pores of the Wood, so damped the sound, that had they strung up an old Butter-firkin for a Base, and made their Trebles of Lignum Vitae, they could not have imposed a worse Sound upon the Ears of the Audience than they did: I looked about me, like a Beau in a Playhouse, to take a general Survey of the Ladies round me, and thought myself as happy in my Company, as the Great Turk amidst his Seraglio, and pleased myself with the Thoughts of having the Power to choose any one out of the Fair Number. All things being now in order to begin to show, Monsieur Shake-legs Faces about to his fair Company of Female Pupils, whom he had brought under such Discipline, that at one Word of Command, they advanced forward from their Seats, seeming all to be as ready to put themselves upon a Gallop, as so many Post Horses; when they had put themselves in a Ring, like so many Country People going to Play at Drop-Glove, very concise Orders were dispatched to the Listening Crowderoes to play the Brawls; which being done, the Cock led up the Chickens, and away they scoured Round the Room after one another as if they were playing at Train-Tro; at which kind of Sport they continued till they had tired the Company, much worse than themselves, before they changed into Variety; and than we had as many Changes given us upon Currant, Bory Minuet, and Fig, as could be rung upon four Bells, now and then intermixed with a Figure-Dance, where they looked like so many Girls running the Mazes in Tuttle-Fields, and she that run through with the least faults, should have a Gingerbread Husband for her Reward: Every Dance I perceived, proved an excellent Sudorisick to the Master, who now looked as Red in the Face, as if his Head had Blushed for his Heels, and that he thought in his own Conscience, it was too Effeminate a Profession to raise a Man to the Dignity of Lord-Mayor, or to be the Study of a Philosopher, that had any Guts in his Brains, to make himself Learned in the sundry Motions and Measures of the Foot. I could not forbear thinking it might be properly enough said, that a Dancing-Master, is the only Creature in the Creation that Walks with his Heels upwards; for no doubt on't, for the great Service they do him, he prefers them in his own Opinion above his Head; and things are to Mankind, not as they really are, but as we make 'em, and believe ' 'em. By this time, some Brother Professors of the Step, were hopped into his Assistance, and gave him the Opportunity of retiring, partly through Ostentation, and partly for refreshment, to change his Dancing Accoutrements, and Entertain the Eyes of the Spectators with a new piece of Prodigality; making his Re-Entrance as fresh upon the Stage of his Theatre in Epitome, as a Lincolns-Inn-Field Wrestler, after he has recovered new Vigour from the Sucking of two or three China Oranges; and then amongst 'em the poor Girls were so throughly Exercised, that some of them began to hobble like a Woman just lifted off a Horseback, who has lost Leather by the Fatigue of a long Journey. The Candles now began, for want of Snuffing, to burn as dim as if the Room had been Haunted with Evil Spirits, so that there was a short Cessation of Dancing for a time; and the Activity of the Foot was forced to give way to the Employment of the Hands, which Danced round the Branches with such wonderful Expedition, that I could not forbear thinking the Man that Snuffed the Candles, was as great a Proficient in his way, as he that had hired him for that purpose; in every Interval the Quarteridges flowed so fast into the Master's Pocket, that the Money chincked as he Capered, almost as loud as the Bells of a Morice-Dancer, when he is hopping about the Hay; and I suppose, was much Pleasanter Music to his Ears, than that he Danced to. The Tattles of the Motherly Spectators, began now to swell into great Emulation, every one giving her own Female Offspring so large a Character of the sweet humour and Disposition of her Child, that it is scarce to be Credited; and so highly Commended the Docibility of the poor Lamb, that she had not gone to School above a Fortnight, but she begun and made her Father a Band of as good Point as ever was brought from Venice. Ay truly, I believe in my Conscience, 'tis one of the Tractablest Children, I must say that for her, that ever poor Woman brought into the World; and truly, as long as I and her Father are able to give it her, she shall want no Education to make her a Gentlewoman; for tho' we Sell Ale, 'tis true, yet, we bless God for it, we get our Money as Honestly, and Enjoy ourselves as Comfortably as any People in our Station throughout the whole Parish, Marry do we, and I don't know why, if we are able, we should not give our Children as good Breeding as any Body. Truly Neighbour, says another, You're of my Mind, I declare it, for what ever shift I make upon my own Account, my Children shall Learn their Haviours, and not be Bred up Clowns, like Dorothy Mopsly, or Sarah Varges, that hang down their Heads when they come amongst Strangers, as if they were Bred in a Hogsty; and look so Sheepishly as if they could not say Bornwell to a Goose, when they meet him; or had not Confidence enough to sit a minute upon a Lover's Knee, that Courts 'em in the way of Civility. Such sort of Talk as this, filled up the space of every Interval; the Master of the Ceremonies, full of Patience and Low Bows, submiting to the reproofs of some Mothers, who were Jealous of his Care and Diligence to their Children, ascribing their Daughter's Dullness and Natural Defects, to their Master's Negligence, the Doting Mother being as unable to discern the Faults and Impediments of her own Progeny, as the Loving Cuckold is to believe the Failings of his Wife; others so Extravagantly Opinionated of their Daughter's Performances, that the poor Wretch must be made a Slave to the Folly of her Parent, and be called upon every minute to Answer by a dull Repetition of her Excellencies, either the Pride of her Mother, or Vanity of her Master, she being, 'tis likely, in the Thoughts of both, no small Credit to him that taught the pretty Dancer, as well as she that bore the pretty Miss. The rest of the Spectators, as well as myself, began now, I believe, to be pretty well tired with the dull Swimming, and Capering, of every Sweeting Salatrix. The whole Company being made as hot and as wet, by Crowding so close, and Sucking in one another's Breathes, that had a Batch of hot Rye-Bread been Anointed with Whey-Butter, just under our Noses, they could not have proved a Sourer Nosegay, than what sprang out of the Pores of the Melting Assembly, during the Time we were under this uneasy Confinement; for there was no stirring without a general Consent; People were thumping at the Door, as if Distracted, for admittance, like so many Bachelors struggling to Enter into the State of Matrimony, not at all considering the wonderful Inconveniencies the many People were under, who had fallen into it already, and would as gladly get out on't, could they break those Ecclesiastical Fetters which bind them to their Bargains. At last the Door being opened to let out somebody, who was, or as least played the Hypocrite for their Ease, and pretended to be Fainting, In broke a Rabble of People from without, of all Ages, both Sexes, and divers Qualities, from the Inns-of-Court Clark, to the Footman, and the Town-Lady, to the Tavern Kitchen-Wench, that like so many Wheat Ears crammed into a Tunbridge Pie, we Stewed, Cocks and Hens together, till we were throughly Baked in our own Fat and Gravy. This disorder, to the great satisfaction of all those who had been long Sitters, was some occasion of shortening our Penance; so that the remainder of our Fooleries was ordered, first to be a Figure and a Song; and then the whole Entertainment to be turned up in a few Country Dances, that the Ladies, I suppose, might Couple themselves at last with Partners, who at least would be so Civil to see them safe Home to their several Habitations, if not make an Amour to 'em, and give 'em some Hopes of a further satisfaction: The Song that they Sung was, I suppose, in Praise of Singing and Dancing; there was something in't, of Come let's Trip it o'er the Plain, And Sing and Dance a Main, or such sort of stuff, which I don't think worth Representing to the Reader: I have given instead, one of my own as applicable to the purpose, which I hope will give him greater Diversion. A Song upon Dancing. DAncing was first a Maggot Bred, In some Musicians Crazy Head: When Ripe, being Slip'ry as an Eel, It slid from thence, into his Heel; And there it to this Day remains, Having no further need of Brains; Making 'em Skip with Nimble force, As Eels i'th' Belly of a Horse: Which Jockeys use each Market-Day, To make 'em Dance, as People say. Who Teach this slight of Foot in Schools Great reverence pay to Single Souls: And little Friendship have for those, Who always deal in double Shoes. Some Men by Learned Heads grow Great, But they advanced are by their Feet, The Grandeur of the World Despise, And ne'er above a Caper Rise: And when all's done, their formal Steps and Scrapes, Makes Women Lucifers, and Men but Apes. Their Song, instead of mine, being ended, as scurvily out of the Key, as an Epithalamium sung by a Consort of Stroling Fiddlers under a Bridegroom's Chamber-Window. The Word was no sooner given for Country Dances, but away scoured an Auxiliary Troop of London-Prentices cross the Room, made, an onset upon the Ladies, as if they had been going Vi et Armis, to Commit a Rape upon the whole Female Convention; And when every one had chose a Mate, as Birds upon a Valentine's Day, Green Sleeves and Pudding-Pies was Ordered to be struck up, and away they moved in Couples after the Master; who led up the Dance, like so many Hounds following the Heels of a Huntsman, and shook their Breeches, with as much seeming satisfaction to both Sexes concerned, as so many Fairies could possibly Enjoy in a Midnight Dance, upon a Lonely Plain in the Moonshine. By this time I was thoroughly tired, as ever was poor Godfather at a Christening, and having next to me a pretty kind of a Woman, at the full Age of Maturity; who looked Modest enough, as times go, to refuse a Man to be a Mistress, without a very close Siege, long Fatigue, large Expense, lavish Promises, and the like; which I had no great Mind to be at the Trouble of, but rather to Endeavour to Discover whether she had Virtue and Money enough, answerable to her outward Perfections, to make a Wife on: Accordingly I withdrew my Eyes from the Dancers, and applied a Succeeding Number of Affectionate Glances to my Charming Neighbour, as the best Preface I thought I could use to my following Solicitations, considering our Looks render our Passions as Intelligible as Words, and oftentimes leave behind 'em a far deeper Impression. When I had practised this sort of Ogling for a few Minutes, and gave her Signal Reasons to believe my Eyes meant something which my Modesty hitherto, or some other Difficiency, had hindered my Tongue from more plainly Expressing, I began to break out into such sort of Impertinence, as Lovers usually Preamble with to introduce an Amour, to which she gave her Attention, with as Modest an Indifference as becomes a Woman of Discretion. This Heightened the good Opinion I had conceived, tho' it put me to a greater puzzle to find Talk to Entertain her; for the less free a Woman is, the more it puts a Man upon his Guard, and gives him the Trouble of Placing his Words under greater Discipline, for fear he should be Laughed at; it being Natural for Persons who say but little, to observe much, and take the greater Advantage of others Failings. At last I proceeded to an Encomium on her Beauty, which I found after the first Trembling onset, had inspired me with such Eloquence that my Fancy Soared to more Hyperboles than ever were stuffed into an Academy of Compliments: These I perceived gave the Ears of my new unknown Mistress a little Titillation, and made her begin to Talk as fast in Contradiction of my Flatteries, as she termed 'em, as I could find words to Exhibit those Sentiments which the seeming Innocence of her Charms had influenced me to conceive of her pretty Person. By this time, being as much pleased with her Witty Conversation, as I was before with her outward Appearances; I began to press hard to inform me by which of these three Titles she distinguished herself, viz. Maid, Wife, or Widow; considering with myself, in this Ripe and forward Age, she was scarce Young enough to be the former, and full Old enough to be either of the latter; at last after much Pains and Entreaties, I extorted a Confession of her Circumstance, from her Sweet and Alluring Lips, which was attended with so Innocent a Blush, when she told me a Maid, that none could have expressed, but she that deserved the Title. Having thus far proceeded to my Satisfaction, I had great hopes she would prove in reality, what her Carriage, as well as own report, represented her to be; and now changed the former method of my Talk, into importunies of waiting on her Home, to Protect her from the Accidents and Insolences of the Night, so Beautiful a Creature was liable to in the Street; which after many Humble Solicitations, as well as Arguments, I prevailed with her to Consent to: My Happiness now began to swell in Proportion to the Favour she had granted me, reflecting at the same time on her Sweet Beauty and Deportment to heighten the Obligation, till I was grown as over-Joyful at these my first Successes, as a Young Counsel that had carried a Cause, or a Young duelist that had Disarmed his Adversary. By this time the Dancers having tired their Legs, as much at their Pastime, as the Fiddlers had their Arms in Playing to 'em, the Master changing his Spanish-Leather Shoes, for French-Wax, and the City Beaus having buckled on their Street-Travelling Neats-Leather, and put their Pumps into their Pockets, whilst the Ticklers of Cat's Guts were Baging and Casing up their Musical Handsaws, together with their instruments, and the Dancing Masters Equipage, were Poisoning out the Company by Extinguishing the Lights, and saving the Candles-Ends, to show their Masters good Husbandry; so that the People began to Crowd out as fast into the Air for Refreshment, as they Thronged in for Diversion; till it came to my Mistress' turn and mine, to relieve our Nostrils from a mixture of ill Scents, and squeeze ourselves out of the Door, through which Men, Women, and Children, Ebbed out as fast as Water through London-Bridge at a Spring Tide; till at last without use of our Legs, we were carried into the Street with the force of the Current, like a Chip along a Kennel after a Shower of Rain; where I called a Coach, and handed her in with as much Delight, as ever an Old Miser thrust Gold into his Hoard, or a Usurer a Bond and Judgement into the Drawer of his Closet. I now improved every minute to the utmost, and was so all over Love, that I was afraid the Flame in my Breast, would have Consumed my willing Carcase in as little time as Fire does a Brush Faggot, in a Tavern: I now having gathered from her, who she was, and where she Lived, and a Promise of her Company on Easter-Monday, upon large Protestations of my Civil Behaviour towards her, which she had tied me up to, with all imaginable Strictness; and setting her down at the distance she requested from the Habitation of her Friends, I Modestly wished her all Happiness, till our next merry Meeting according to appointment; and so we parted. I was mighty well pleased with reflecting, on the fair Progress I had thus successfully made in my new Intrigue: Which according to the good Opinion I was willing to have of my pretty Mistress, I thought well worth Managing, and resolved with myself, since I had made so fair a Beginning, I would pursue it to some End or other, without foul reasons to the Contrary. Having thus parted with my Cherubimical Acquaintance, I retired home to my Lodging, being under too great an Amorous Inflammation for any thing to cool, as I thought, but a secure possession of her sweet Embraces, and delectable Conversation; of which I had such extravagant Conceptions, that I had raised her Perfections in my Opinion above Humanity. Sleep, which we find by experience is the best and most Natural Relief for an Intoxicated Mortal, under the Enchantments of Bacchus, had no manner of Effect upon my more dangerous Distemper, Love; for when I arose in the Morning, after a Night's repose, I found as great a refreshment of my Passion, as I did of my Body; and could foresee no other measures to prevent the re-encrease, or check the violence of my Flame, but the means Nature has appointed for the relief of both Sexes under so intolerable a Condition. I therefore thought it necessary to employ Loves common Confident, the Pen, and try if the trusty Conveyance of my Affection by a Letter, might not be a means of kindling the like Desires in my newfound Angel, which her prevailing Beauty had raised in her Languishing Admirer to so Superlative a Degree. Accordingly I adjourned from home, to the next Coffee-house, where, after I had wished her all Happiness, equal to her Perfection, in a large Glass of cold Tea, which I accounted the best Liquor to inspire a young Lover, with extravagant Thoughts and apt Phrases, for the discovery of so stubborn a Disease; which nothing could palliate, but her Company; and nothing Cure, but the Embraces of her who had thus infected me; I applied Pen to Paper, and dispatched this following Epistle to the Lady; which, because I found her wittily inclined, I digested into a Comical Style, that she might at once be Diverted with my Letter, and pleased with her own Conquest. Madam, AS sure as ever a Rattle-Snake with his Eyes ever tempted a Squirrel to drop into his Mouth, so sure am I enchanted with the Lustre of your fair Features, that I could tumble into yours, were it but big enough to hold me. Had not the Promise you have made me, to see me next Monday Morning, given me as great assurance of being once more happy, as ever poor Cuckold had of being always Miserable, if he has a handsome Woman to his Wife, and wants patience to bear with her; I should as certainly have run stark-mad, through despair of your Company, as ever was Old Maid, that had married an Eunuch, or an Old Gazette-Monger, that had lost his Spectacles As your Beauty has made me burn like a Taylors-Goose, just fetched home from an Alehouse Kitchen, so use me, Dear Madam, that I may press down the Seam of your Perfections; that my Weight, together with my Warmth, may lay 'em all as flat as a Flounder. I have as little to say to recommend myself to your Favours, as a Modern Poet has in the defence of an old Version of the Psalms: But only that I Love, Honour, and Adore you, as much as ever an old doting Fool did Antiquities, or more than my Lord-Mayors Swordbearer does Custard. I therefore hope in time you will think I have as just a Title to your Affections as an honest Man has to a good Name, or an Old Scold to a Ducking-Stool. And if you, most Salutiferous Lady, will, upon the Receipt hereof, vouchsafe but to admit me into one Corner of your Affections, I do Promise, Vow, and Swear, with as much sincerity as ever a Scotchman took the Covenant, She-Hypocrite is to her Prayers; and cling as close to your dear sides, as a Virginia- Creeper to the Walls of an old Fabric. I hope, most Angelical Comfortress, these merry Motives will induce you to Compassion as well as Laughter; and tho' they are delivered as if in Jest, pray take 'em in Earnest, and believe for this once, a Man may Love you without expressing it in the old Style of Hanging and Drowning. Therefore if this Method won't take with you, let me know it in an answer, and my next Address shall be Collected out of the last Dying Speeches in the Book of Martyrs. But till I find you affect Weeping rather than Laughing, and are sooner to be Frighted into Pity, than Jested into Gratitude, I shall still proceed to gain your good Opinion, as Bartholemew-Fair Players do to please their Audience, more by Farce and Jocularity, than Tragedy and Fine Speeches. So hoping as much for a kind Answer, and a Performance of your Word, as ever Seamen did for a Fair Wind, or a Hackney Coachman for Foul-Weather; I Remain, but not Rest, Your most Importunate Phylocrates, T. D. Having thus concluded this first Draught of Affection, I called for one of Love's Messengers, a Porter, and dispatched him to my Lady, expecting no Answer by the Bearer; believing she would take more time to Deliberate on the matter: My new method of Courtship, being enough to surprise any Woman at first Sight, who had not been accustomed to so Comical a Dialect; the Nimble Footed Emissary, having sucessfully discharged his Business, made a speedy return with a satisfactory Answer, by Word of Mouth; which was, That I should hear further from her in the Afternoon; till which time, I was as uneasy as an Offender at the Bar, during the Absence of the Jury to Consult their Verdict, Labouring under as many various and Opposite Suggestions, and Delusions as a true Cocker at a Cock Match, fancying one Minute would go for me, another Minute against me; sometimes that she'd be pleased with my Letter; sometimes that she'd be Angry; and under this sublunary Frenzy I remained till I was better satisfied by her Answer: Having no more Stomach to my Dinner, than a Woman has to her Breakfast that Morning she's to be Married. At last, after being thoroughly tired with a tedious Expectance, as all People are, who stand Gaping for a Blessing of which they are doubtful, in comes a Letter to my Lodging by the Peny-Post; where I sat waiting with as much Impatience, as an Old Fool in a Coffee-house, tarrying for a News Letter, upon the surrender of a Town; or the French Kings Dying of his Fistula in Ano. When I had got the little Billet in my Hand, I Trembled like a Kentish Yeoman, Troubled with a Tertian Ague; at last took Courage, like a Young Lover, about to attack his Mistress' Virginity. And after I had Kissed it three or four times, in respect to the fair Hand that had compiled the Manuscript; I opened the Seal, and let myself boldly into the Secret, which I expected in a great Measure, would prove a Vera Copia of my Mistress' Inclinations: A Recital of which, I shall proceed to give you, as follows. Sir, SInce you seem to compare me to a Rattle-Snake, I wonder you should express such a Willingness to receive me into your Bosom; and indeed, could I think you like a Squirrel, I should be very fearful to give you any admittance into my Affections, since I have often heard, a Squirrel is a Creature who covers his Back with his Tail. Or am I a Woman that can Gape so wide, as to swallow any such Windfalls? In the succeeding Sentence, you say something of a Cuckold, if you think your Stars have decreed you to be the Monster you talk on, I desire you would trouble yourself no further; for I should hate a Husband with Horns, were they even of my own Grafting; and therefore I desire you would apply yourself to somebody more proper for your purpose. The old Maid that has Married an Eunuch, I am hearty sorry for her; as for my part, I hope you can see by my Looks I am none of the one, and if you find yourself the other, I desire you would rest yourself contented, and think no more of a Wife, than a Blindman ought to do of Spectacles: For why should a Man have the Vanity to covet that which its impossible he should use when he has got it in possession? Therefore I advise you as a Friend, if you are in any such condition, to turn your Back upon Matrimony, and think no more of a Wife, than a Lawyer Cares to do of the next World; or a Citizen, of Horn-Fair. I am sorry my Eyes have put you into the Condition of a Taylors-Goose, if you had not Cackled I should never have known it; and since you could not keep yourself Two Days under your Distemper without divulging it, I am fearful if I should Administer to you the Remedy I believe you want, you could never conceal the Cure. You acknowledge you have nothing to recommend you to my Affections; and I must honestly confess, for I hate Flattery, He that has nothing to say for himself, or can nothing do to oblige his Mistress to Love him, is a Man likely to procure but a small share in my Affections; for I can never Esteem a Man much, that is furnished with so little. In the next place, you insist upon a Title which you plead to my affections, which I cannot reconcile to your foregoing acknowledgement; For how can a Man have a Title to any Woman's Esteem, when he has nothing to Recommend him? You promise me, like a good Hearty Lover, if I admit you into my Favour, you'll be as Constant to me, as a Hypocrite to her Prayers. In answer to which Highflown Compliment, I think myself Obliged to do you just as much good, as Prayers do such a Hypocrite. You tell me also, you'll stick as close to me as a Virginia- Creeper to an Old Fabric; since you are so very Complesant to make an Old Wall of me, 'tis but just Reason you should find my Heart as Obdurate, as a Brickbat. You desire me, what you have spoke in Jest, that I would take in Earnest: I like not such a method of Construction; for if I should Encourage you in good Earnest, by the same Rule, I suppose you would make a Jest on't. As for the Old Style of Hanging and Drowning, I think they are both too shameful Deaths for a Lover to make mention of; and the poor Spirited Wretch who had no more Wit than to do either for a Mistress, I should think had never Courage enough to win one; for nothing but Cowardice is the Cause of Despair; and a Contemptible Death is but the just reward of Cowardice: So as for your Book of Martyrs you may keep it for a better use, for the most Religious are now a days grown more wise than to follow their Examples; and as for Lovers in this Age, I would not have 'em pretend to't. I like your Drolling Method of Courtship much better, and should much rather play the part of a Comic Stage-Lover in jest, than prove yourself a Tragic Fool in good Earnest, of which I am very sensible there's no great danger. According to my Promise, I will meet you at the place appointed, where I expect, according to yours, I shall meet with nothing but Civility, and you will Oblige, Your Servant, M. L. Whether I had reason to like or dislike this pert Answer to my Letter, I'll leave the Reader to judge; I conned it over and over, as often as a young Priest does a Sermon, he designs to Preach without Book; and was mightily pleased to find my Mistress so witty; I hugged and Kissed it with as much pleasure as a Monkey would a Kitten, or an Old Woman her Grandchild; and was so wonderful fond of this new Favour, that I could have swallowed it, as people do Charms, for an Ague, had it not been a dishonour to so sweet an Epistle, to have been converted into a S—ce. I opened it, and shut it, as often in a Day, as a Beau does his Snush-Box; and could no more think of Eating and Drinking till I see her again, than a Crying-out-Woman can of Copulation in the height of her Labour. In this kind of Intoxicated Condition, drunk between Love and Joy, I remained till the Monday Morning in Easter Week, when near the time of meeting, I posted to the place appointed, with as good a Will as ever a Coward run from danger, or a Fool into it: where I had not spent above as much time as a lusty Fellow requires to beget a Charge to the Parish, but in comes my Lady, with such an Awful Presence, that the sight of her, as powerful as the Wind of a Cannon Bullet, had like to have knocked me backwards, and struck me as dumb, that I was no more able to deliver the fine Speech I intended for her, without abundance of Hesitation, than jockimo in Don john was able without stammering to invite the Ghosts to Dinner with his Master; till after I had a little recovered myself, like a Soldier after the first Onset, and then I began to be as Bold, as a Lover could well be with so much Beauty, upon so slender Acquaintance. 'Twill be a little too tedious to tell you in particular what passed between us, Kisses and kind Words I applied with Eagerness, which on her part were received with a becoming Coyness. After we had prattled away, and spent a little time in these sort of Love-Toys, we determined to take Coach, being Holiday time, and go up to Highgate; proposing in our Journey to be greatly diverted with the humours of the Mob, as we passed along the Road, it being a Season of the Year, when Petty-Tradesmen and their, Wives, Prentices and Servant Wenches, Attorneys Clerks and Schoolboys, Journeymen Shoemakers, and tailor's with their Mates, Soldiers with their Trulls, in short, Tag, Rag, and Bobtail, all have recourse into the Fields, to recover the poor out-lying Alehouse-keepers from the hardships brought upon 'em by the past Winter. As soon as we had fitted ourselves with that Love, as well as Lazy Convenience, a Coach; I handed in my Mistress, and taking the advantage of her Stride, blest my Eyes with a Glance of her Green Silk Stockings, and pretty Pettitoes, which my Chaps water much more than the Cutting of a Lemon; and made my Heart go pit-a-pat, like a young girl's that had stumbled in an Alley upon a pair of Active Lovers recreating themselves by Moonshine. Having thus put ourselves in order to proceed our little Journey, for variety's sake, I'll give you the remainder in Verse, in hopes it may better please the Reader. Our Charioteer, now mounting in his Box, Hey-up, he cried, his Jades stood still as Stocks, He Slashed, and Cut, and Cursed 'em, with a Pox. With true Horse Language, and the use of Thong, He, forced at last, his Hungry Tits along, Who when once set on going, Run ding dung. Thus with his pair of Hidebound Skeletons, He drove us rattling over London Stones, Almost to th' Dislocation of our Bones. In little time, to Islington we came; For Cakes and Ale, a Town of Ancient Fame; Which to this day's frequented for the same. Where Whiffs so Savoury did our Nostrils Fan, From Cakes, Eel-Pies, and Tarts in Patti-Pan, Like Twelf-tide Air, in Wood-street newly drawn. At every Door, as we the Town passed through, A basket of hot Buns was set in View; No doubt but some within were Buttered too. Those set without were to make Children Cry, Or Tempt the well-sown Longing Mother's Eye, Who can't without a Pot and Cake go by. Peasants in Streams did out of London Ebb, And tho' each Scoundrel had his homely Drab, The Cock took care to Nurse the bawling Squab. The Wife she Trotted after on the Road, Scolding at something had Dissension sowed, For Married Clowns can ne'er agree abroad. Some in old Oliverian Coats were clad, With narrow Skirts, and little Buttons made; And at their Backs their good Wive's Pattens had, Each Crop-eared Apprentice had his, walking Mate, To Kiss, and Toy with, o'er an Alehouse Treat; And make the Pleasures of his Walk more Sweet. With these the Roads were filled on every side, Ungainly Clothed in all their Easter Pride; The Men Walked fast, the Wenches straddled Wide. Some Clambering over Hedges, some o'er Styles, Some Girls their A— s show, the Men mean while, Came after peeping to provoke their Smiles. All hurried on, I wondered at their haste, Or what enticed 'em to go on so fast, The Reason I resolved to know at last. We Kissed and Toyed, and Merrily Jogged on, My Mistress kinder and more free was grown, To me all Modest Favours now were shown. Like Quality we Sported at the Rout, And when we pleased, Contemptibly looked out Upon the Sweeting Slaves that walked on Foot. Sometime drew up our Sashes made of Tin, To hid from Vulgars' Eyes Love's Toys within; And when we'd done, we dropped 'em down again. Our minutes might have been much more improved, Had she, like me, without Discretion Loved; Her Virtues were too powerful to be moved. By now to th' Bottom of the Hill we came, The Horses Coughed and Groaned to see the same; And at its height grew very sick and lame. The Coachman light to give his Carrion ease, They pulled till farted to their Driver please; And now and then dropped down upon their knees For all they kneeled, his whip he would not spare, But Cut 'em up, and Cursed the Lazy pair; And in his Thoughts prayed backwards for his Fare. No Loaded Wagon in a soft deep Snow, And drawn by Oxen, could have moved more slow, Enough to've tired the Patience of a Beau. Before we'd Conquered half our Rising way, He fed his Starulings, with a whisp of Hay. Drawn from a Bag beneath his Coach-Box lay. At last the Jades with heavy striving drew Their Luggage to the top with much ado, Where we the Ancient Village had in view. I gave my Mistress Welcome to the Town. Manners, with Love, in one sweet Kiss was shown. Lest she should take her Courtier for a Clown. No Country Fair, where Crowds of Swains resort, To meet their Lasses, and Contend in sport, Can be more full, or did their Mirth fall short. To ease their tired Limbs, sat here and there, Upon a Verdant Plate, a Loving pair, Kissing and Toying in the open Air. Others were Crowded into Alehouse yards, Some Slaving were at Ninepins, some at Cards, Whilst Tailor's occupied the Shuffleboards. Some into little hoopstick Arbours crept, The Parents Tippled whilst their Children slept, And Maudling Wenches with their Sweethearts wept. I asked the meaning of these numerous Trains, And found the Giddy Crowd took all this Pains, To see the Finchly Murderer hang in Chains. To the high Tavern, where the Genrry meet, We went, which could not yield one Slice of Meat; Nothing we found but Cake and Cheese to Eat. This Rabbles Far, with us would not go down, I offered for some Mutton-Stakes a Crown, But could not get one Chop throughout the Town. Is this, said I, a Village of such Fame, For City Cuckold to refresh his Dame, Pox take your famished Town; so back we came. FINIS.