A FROLIC TO HORN-FAIR.  
With a WALK from CUCKOLD's-POINT THROUGH Deptford and Greenwich.  
LONDON, Printed and Sold by I. How, in the Ram-Head-Inn-Yard in Fanchurchstreet, 1700.   

Books Sold by J. How, in the Ram-Head-Inn-Yard in Fanchurchstreet; J. Weld, at the Crown between the Temple-Gates in Fleetstreet; and Mrs. Fabian, at Mercers-Chappel in Cheapside.  

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All Written by the same Author.   

A FROLIC TO HORN-FAIR.  
WHEN the near approach of Horn-Fair had Conjured up the Spirit of Cuckoldom in the Dissatisfied Minds of abundance of City-Wives, who have Just Reason to Complain of the Unkind Usage, and sl●nder Performances of either their Drowsy, Lazy, Morose, Insufficient, or Superannuated Husbands, I happened (from the Hands of a sorrowful young Lady, who had grieved for some time under the Weakness and Imbecility of an Infirm Husband) to receive this following SUMMONS, to attend her Person to Charlton, on the 18th of October, in order to Redress those Intolerable Grievances, which she wanted in all Love to exhibit unto me.  
SIR,  
As it is a Duty Incumbent upon all Bachelors, to supply the Defects of their own Sex, who knowing their Deficiencies, have, contrary to the Laws of Nature and Sound Reason, bound themselves For ever and Ay, in the mutual and Indissolvable Tie of For better or for worse: I having just grounds of Complaint, in these my juvenal Years, of the great and many Impediments on my Husband's part, which give me a Just and Unquestionable Title to your Aid and Assistance; and as Procreation is the Main End of Wedlock, and I, by the Infirmities of my Lawful and Wellbeloved Spouse, being in a great Measure deprived of the Wholesome, Delectable, and endearing Means thereof, having full and true Desire of Completely answering my Duty, according to the known Laws of our Creation, That is, to do good in my Generation, and raise Seed to the World as may prove a Blessing to Posterity. I do therefore, by Virtue of this Summons, strictly Charge and Require you to meet me on the 18th of this Instant, by Nine of the Clock in the Morning, at the Mermaid-Tavern at Billingsgate, there to Drink Canary, and Eat Oysters, till Eleven; Then to take Boat and Land at Cuckolds-Point; and from thence (according to the Ancient and Laudable Custom of the Corniferous Society, and in pursuance of their Orders) to Walk from thence through Deptford and Greenwich to Horn-Fair, there to receive a Horn Fairing, as a Token of one Years Friendship, which you are Carefully to Maintain and Preserve with all Love, Constancy, and Industry, till that Day Twelvemonth, with that Uncomfortable She, from whose kind Hand you shall receive the Present: Having full Power given you, from that time, over her own Body and her Husband's Goods, so far as they can be Clandestinely Converted, without discovery, to your Good Use and Benefit.  
Therefore Fail not to give your Personal Appearance at the Time and Place, aforesaid, under a Weeks reserve, Lustily Fed, and well Accoutered, as you will hazard the Revenge of a Desirous Woman, whose Name is under Written.  
E— F—  
You Cannot but Imagine I Read the Summons, it being from a pretty Woman, with a little more satisfaction than a London-Prentice does his Sundays Chapter, or a Married Man that Intercepts a Love-Letter to his Wife; insomuch that I thought myself very highly Obliged to answer the Demands of the Fair Lady, yet could not forbear Reflecting on the Conjugal Vows she was under, and how far I must be guilty of the same Crime, in submitting to her Unlawful Desires, which I thought might as well spring from her own Exorbitant Concupiscence, as any Just Reasons she had to Complain of her Bedfellow's Incapacity. Labouring for some time under these Struggle of Conscience, at last I bethought myself of an Old Story, which removed my Scruples, and restored me to my former Resolution of Pursuing the Intrigue. And that you may not be Unacquainted with this Balsamic Tale, so Excellent for Strengthening a Weak and Tender Conscience, I have here given it by the Way; in hopes not to Corrupt the Reader, but to make him Merry.  
A Bachelor Gentleman, of Good Estate, desiring, through Covetousness, to increase his Riches, applied himself to a Young Lady of Great Fortune; and notwithstanding his Estate was somewhat inferior to her Portion, yet the Comeliness of his Person, and his Engaging Accomplishments soon prevailed upon the Lady to become his Bride, who having nothing before her Eyes but the Prospect of a Happy Life, and the Comfortable Embraces of a Gentleman of Sweet Temper, Affable Behaviour, Incomparable Wit, and Excellent Proportion, insomuch she gave him but very little Trouble to bring his Design to its proposed Issue: So that they were soon Married, and Bedded accordingly, with all the Solemnities and Formalities of a Public Nupital. But as soon as the Frolicksome Company had quitted the Bridal Chamber, the Gentleman in his Minority having received a Kick from a Horse, which Occasioned his Castration, was rendered incapable of gratifying the Expectancies of his Panting Bride, Concluding it the best Way to Discover his Infirmities, and put her past the thought of what is Natural in such a Case for the most Modest Woman to expect, which he accordingly discovered, but with as much Art and Rhetoric as was possible to be used, to take off the Impression of so great a Disappointment, telling her, That though himself was Impotent, he would grant her the Liberty of making good his Deficiency to herself, by choosing any other Person to be her Confident, that should be most agreeable to her own Inclinations. The Young Lady fearing this might be some Trick of her Husbands to sift whether any other Person had any share in her Affections, made a jest of his Discovery, and suspended her Choice till after a further time of Consideration: But found at last she was brought in Good-Earnest into this Misfortune; and being not a little uneasy under this Intolerable Disappointment, began to be thoughtfully intent upon the freedom that was given her by her Impotent Bridegroom: And observing his Butler to be a handsome jolly Young Fellow, Looking as if he was well Qualified for so pleasing a Task, insomuch that she resolved to pitch upon him to supply the Deficiency of her Unhappy Husband, and accordingly acquaints him with what Choice she had made; with which the Gentleman seemed very well contented; and sending for his Butler into his Closet, informed him of the whole Affair, with all its Circumstances; telling him he would allow him an Hundred Pounds a Year, as long as he would take Care, through Secrecy and Prudence, to prevent any Disreputation that otherways might by his carelessness fall upon the Family. The Butler, overjoyed at this Proposal, made so many fair Promises and Protestations, that the Master was well Satisfied, and thought him a proper Confident for his purpose: So accordingly Lodged him in a Room near his own Bedchamber, that his Lady without Danger of Detection, might change her Bedfellow as often as her Inclinations led her. This Good-natured Liberty of the Gentleman's was mutually enjoyed, between his Wife and his Servant, for a considerable time, without either Discovery or Mistrust; till at last, the Lady on a Summer's day, having added an unusual Warmth to her youthful Desires by a Glass or two of Rich Wine at Dinner, above her ordinary Custom, went into the Buttery, where the Butler was alone in the Afternoon, taking a Lazy Nap to indulge his Idleness. The Lady shuting the Door, awaked her Gallant, and soon made him sensible, by intelligible Signs, of what her Ladyship wanted.  
He rubbing his Eyes, and speedily understanding her Meaning by her Gaping, laid her down with a Finger and a Thumb, upon a Lolling Convenience, in Order to Oblige her: In which Interim, the Chaplain being dry after his Dinner, came to the Buttery Door, and knocked for Admittance into the Cellar. The Butler being too deeply Engaged to answer, the Parson Judged by his Silence, he was making much of some of his Friends in Private; and having a mind to be Satisfied, peeped through the Keyhole, and beheld with the Eyes of Truth, the sad Shame and Dishonour his Lady and the Butler, by the Instigations of the Devil, had brought upon the Family; and immediately Runs open-mouthed to his Patron, and acquaints him, with a Sorrowful Countenance, by what a Providential Accident he had stood Pimp to his Lady's Debauchery, setting forth the Villainy and Treachery of his Servant in thus abusing of him.  
The Gentleman being concerned at their Imprudence, to be thus Foolishly detected, had no way left to excuse the Matter, but to tell the Truth, and discover his own Infirmity; also that it was done by his Inducement and Permission; and that he allowed the Butler a hundred pounds per Annum to recompense his Diligence, and enjoin him to Secrecy. Lord, Sir, says the Chaplain, Why would you not employ me? I'd have done it for Fifty with all my Heart, and have Read Prayers Twice a Day into the Bargain.  
I rightly applying the Moral of this Story, rid my Conscience of those Doubts and Fears that would otherwise have retarded me from embracing so fair an Opportunity; that I began now to query with myself, which was the most inexcusable Fault, to commit the Sin, or disoblige the Lady; and remembering Ingratitude to be styled the worst of Crimes, and that to disoblige a pretty Woman in distress, and slight her Favours so generously thrown upon me, was Ingratitude; I soon reasoned myself into a compliance with my Mistress in Elect's Desires; and took up a Sturdy Resolution of meeting my bold Challenger at the Place appointed.  
When the happy Morning came, and nothing but Cuckold-makers, Cuckoldom, Cuckolds, and Horn-Fair, were the common discourses of every Sober Citizen to his next Neighbour, as soon as the Shops were opened, I getting up an Hour before my time, had recourse to the Barbers, that my Face and Periwig might not want the Advantages of his nice management, but have all the Effeminate Improvement of Powder, Washball and Perfume, that I might be as Fragrant to my Mistress' Nostrils, as a Bermoodoes' Breeze, and smell as Odiferous as any sweet-Bag. When I was thus Washed, Curled, and Combed, like any Lady's Lap-Dog; and after I had spent as much time in Dressing, as a Merchants-Wife on a Sunday before Church-time, I did at last judge by my Glass I was a very complete Figure to make an Amour, tho' to a squeamish Lady. My Shoes were as black as Spanish-Balls could make 'em, and Shined like a Physicians Ebony Cane new rubbed upon a Visit to an Alderman. My Stockings were gartered up as tight as a Boot upon a Last, and stuck as close to my Calves as a Bag to a Boild-Pudding. My Garters being as hard girted as a Fillet bound for Bleeding, that I did more penance than a Man half Throttled to be pricked in the Jugular. My Knees hooped round with Rowles, turned up with that exactness, that a Wedding Ring upon a Citizen's Wives Thumb, could no ways sit more precisely Regular. My Breeches stuck so close to the Ignoblest of my Flesh, that I durst not Stride an Inch beyond the given bounds of my Tailor, without the danger of a Rent; and when I came to a broad Kennel I was forced to Wade thro', because I could not venture to step over without Damage. My Coat was Cut All-amode a Paree, with Skirts not much longer than those of a Waterman's jacket. My Linen was made by an Inns-of-Court-Sempstress, and was Digitized with her Handle-Bauble Fingers, into as much Formality as a Lady's Head-Dress. My Wig, like the rest of the Fools, was so woundily be-powdered, that whenever the Wind sat in my Face, it endangered the Eyes of him that walked behind me. Which procured me as many Curses in a Day, as a Good Man has Prayers for his Charity. My Hat was in the Mathematical Cock, with the Brims tucked up to the Crown, into an exact Triangle. My Gloves were right Cordivant, and stunk so of Muscovy Cats-Turd, that Persons subject to Vapours started from me as I walked (like a Beau from a Chimney-Sweeper) for fear of being Suffocated. Thus equipped according to the Nice Rules of Foppery and Courtship, I went along, Cursing the Rudeness of the Wind, that at every Street's Corner ruffled the Curls of my Wig into some disorder, being forced to give as many strokes to each Bushy side as a Milkwoman does to a Cow's Teat at a Meal, to reduce the straggling Hairs into their proper Places: Till at last, with a Panting Heart, like a dispirited Lover, I came to the Place appointed; where, with as much Courage as I could Summon together, I asked for my Lady, who was not yet come. I thinking it my Duty to wait, rather than hers, it made me Careful to be something Earlier ●ha● the Time prefixed, to manifest my Diligence, as well as the eager Desires I had to her Dear Company. I bid 'em show me a Room, and then called for a Pint of Canary, as the most Amorous Cordial I could think on, over which, I sat near half an hour, sometimes Disheartening myself with the thoughts of being jilted, than Comforting myself up with the assurance of her Sincerity, from some little knowledge I had of her Person. At last, to remove my Doubts and Jealousies, in steps my Lady, Dressed up with as much Art, as if all the Tire-women in both Exchanges had been her Chambermaid's. But, to tell you the Truth on't, finding her no more afraid of Tumbling her Pinner's, than I was of Rumpling my Cravat, our greeting was so mutually kind and satisfactory, That it would have made the Readers Heart go Pit-a-Pat to have seen our Loving Salutation. She beging Pardon for her Presumption, and desiring my good Construction of the Freedom she had taken. I answering her in a familiar Dialect, That her Company was the only Happiness I had long Coveted; and had not the Conjugal Obligations she lay under frighted me from Discovering my Love, she long before now should have received sufficient Testimonies of my unextinguishable Affections; or had I in the least known the just Reasons she had to withdraw her Friendship, and alienate that Beauty and Delight remaining in her Dear self from her Marriagebed, no Addresses and Importunities should have been wanting from her humble Servant, to have happily supplied those Impotencies, which, according to the Laws both Divine and Humane, she might Modestly Complain of.  
In such a sort of Amorous Discourses, we expressed the Impatient Desires of each other. I well knowing nothing takes more with the Fair-Sex, under these Circumstances, than to put a Gloss upon the Iniquity. For he that has but the true Knack of extenuating a Crime, will have no great difficulty in drawing those to the Gild, who give Credit to his Doctrine. Having now, by a few Love-Toys, and Light Expressions, together with the assistance of the Wine, introduced a little Familiarity, we agreed upon a Dish of Fish, that we might fortify our Stomaches against the Cold Breezes we must expect upon the Water. During the Time the Cook was Labouring to Delight our Palates, we Reciprocally obliged each other with Luscious Kisses and Endearing Words, that melted both our Hearts into an equal Concupiscence of Love's Enjoyment.  
Citizens and their Mates, Swarm now to the Waterside, in order to take Boat for the Horn-headed Rendezvouz at Charlton: And nothing being heard beneath our Window, but the Wrangling of Watermens about their Fairs, and the Noisy Mouthing Acclamations of Greenwich, Greenwich Ho, That had we been Seated at the Hockly-Hole-Theatre, when the Blind-Bear had been let lose, our Ears could not have been terrified with more discording Out-Cries. Upon which we arose from our Seats, and moved to the Window, to divert ourselves a little with seeing the Bachelor Cuckold-makers' and Citizen's Wives; also City Cuckolds, and their Maiden-Looking Mistresses, stow themselves as close in a Boat together, as they do in a Cheapside Ballcony, at my Lord-Mayors-Show, to gaze like a Drove of Bullocks, between one another's Horns, at the Triumphs of the City. The first Couple that I happened to know, pressing amongst the Crowd to board their Double-handed Wherry, were a jewish Wine-Merchant and a Vintner's Wife; who, I suppose, through the great delight they took in Cuckold-Making, went to do Reverence to Cuckolds-Point; and from thence to buy a Horn-Tumbler at the Fair to Drink the Husband's Health in; and so recall the Pleasures of their past Sins, by the Sweetness of reflection. My Lady observing I had added a more than ordinary Cheerfulness to my Countenance, required the reason of my Smiling. I told her I could not forbear Laughing to see a jew scatter his Affections out of his Tribe, and make so much of a Christian; and to find a City Dame, with so good a Conscience, to have so much Charity for an unbeliever. That Lady, said I, that you see with the jew, is a very great Meeter, and a Mighty Religious Christain in her Way, having as Jolly a Man to her Husband as a Woman would desire to lie by. But I find, notwithstanding her seeming sanctity, she loves Circumcision much better than Christian Baptism. At which Information my Lady lifted up her Eyes, expressing herself after this manner, Bless me! What is the World come to! That a Woman should be so Wicked! As if there were not Good Christians enough deserving of a Woman's Favours, but, like a Profane Minx, she must bestow her Kindness on a Jew! Well, I would not be in her Condition, and have such a Sin to answer for, for the World. If I should, I am sure my Conscience would never rest after it, but should think every Minute I deserved Damnation. Foh! A Jew! A Stigmatised Rusty-bacon-looked Infidel, that cannot Spit from him! A Black Goggle-Eyed Over-reaching Vagabond! Foh, I smell him hither, he stinks in my very Nostrils. If it were only thro' the respect a Body has for one's Religion, sure I'd have chose a Christian for my Gallant, tho' he had been a Porter, or a Carman; and not have dishonoured my Church so much as to have taken up with an Antichistian Vermin, a very Caterpillar of Christendom. I Vow and Protest, if I was in her Room, I should be afraid the Boat would sink. Thus did my Mistress' Zeal to the Christian Religion, carry her to such a Pitch of Envy, to see a Refined Protestant and an Infidel in such Charitable Communion with one another, That I was afraid, in the height of her Fury, she would have leaped out of the Window, and have separated the Righteous from the Ungodly; quite forgetting, as Whores do, their own Failings, when they brand another with the same Title; not considering the Honest Design on foot betwixt her Ladyship and me; looking upon herself all this while, to be as Justifiable in what we had undertaken, as a Poor Woman that wants Bread, is in Begging a Crust of her Neighbour.  
We had not at the Window spent much time in Prittle-Prattle, but the Vintner whose Wife was Straggled with the jew, out of the Pale of the Church, had most Ceremoniously Joined himself with an Iron-mongers Daughter, who in her early Years being Tempted by a Sea-Captain to taste the Forbidden Fruit, had unhappily brought herself under the Suspicion of Incontinence, and quite spoiled her Market in the business of Matrimony; that she was grown a pretty stolen Thorn-back, yet had Remains enough of her Youthful Perfections to entitle her to the handling of a Vintner's Apronstrings: I could not forbear Smiling, at the Odness of this Accident, when I considered what a rare Discovery there would be made on both sides, if they should Chance to meet in the Fair; for it is Reasonable to believe, they were absolute Strangers to each others Intrigue; for sure, thought I, it is Unnatural for a Married Couple, to give one another the Liberty of Adultery; tho' it is very common I believe, for each other to take it. Since Chance had fling a thing so remarkably observable in my Way, I thought myself obliged to impart it to my Mistress, that she might share in the satisfaction of so Uncommon a Contingency; accordingly I showed her the Vintner, telling her he was the Husband of that Woman who had so highly disobliged her, in Communicating her Honour to a jew, and Pinning her Faith upon the Sleeve of an Infidel; adding, that I knew the Woman that was with him, from whence I had reason to believe he was upon the like design with his Companion, as his Wife was with the jew? Bless me! says she, If my Husband was like other Men, and should serve me so, I'd study as many ways to Torment him, as ever a Papist Priest found to Punish a Heretic, marry would I; he should neither Eat, Drink, nor Sleep in any quiet, till I had Plagued his Heart out, before he should run Rambling among strange Women; but as he is, by my Troth I may venture him, for I can guests by his Performances at Home, how his Abilities are Abroad. Which words, were no sooner out of her Mouth, but in the Crowed she espied him. Bless me! says she, Yonder he is with my Neighbour the Apothecary's Wife, pressing towards the Stairs, to go into a Boat: But I'll spoil their Intrigue, with a Pox to ' 'em. Stay you here, says she, and I'll be with you again presently: Down Stairs she ran in a great Fury, lays hold of the Woman, as she was Descending the Stairs: How now Madam, says she? Whither are you going with my Husband? I thought I should Catch you one time or another; I had Intelligence of your Design last Night, and have been waiting for you in yonder House, this hour or two. The Poor Woman, so greatly Surprised with this Discovery, was ready to sink down under the Hand of her Opponent; but the Husband through a great Presence of Mind, forces his Wife to quit her hold, and bid the other step into the Boat, ordering the Waterman to go off with her, and land her where the Gentlewoman directed, holding his Wife fast till the Boat was adrift; and so at once secured her from the Hands of the Mob, as well as her rash Adversary. Now thought I, I find when a Woman has a mind to be Lewd, she will not want a Pretence to Justify herself in her Liberty; nor could I forbear thinking it was more her Ungovernable Lust, than her Husband's Impotency, that induced her to be Wicked; for it may be observed, the Common Excuses that a Woman makes to extenuate the Gild of her Corruption, are either Love, Necessity, or the Mis-behaviour of their Husbands, either in his Neglecting what he ought to do, or Doing those things, which he ought to forbear: But while I was thus Ruminating on the Cunning of the Kind Sex, my Mistress had betaken herself to her Crocodile Submission; Crying, What had she done, to Occasion such Ill Usage from him, as to alienate his Affections, from his Lawful and Loving Wife, and place it upon other Women less deserving than herself? These Hypocritical Words, and Dissembling Tears, so softened the Heart, of the poor disappointed Cuckold, who at first was so highly displeased at her unexpected Discovery, that he had much ado to forbear striking of her; but she I suppose, well knowing how to appease his Fury, put on this Counterfeit Behaviour to bring him out of his Passion, to the Calm Use of his Reason, and Good Nature. The Fluminous Rabble all this while hollowing the t'other Lady over the Water, who questionless was as well pleased at her safe Deliverance, as she was Concerned at first for her Detection. By this time, my Lady and her Spouse, had withdrawn themselves a little out of the Crowed, she Soliciting his Company home, as she informed me afterwards, which she was very Sensible he would not Consent to; But told her Although she had spoilt his Project in one Affair, he'd make himself amends in another; and since he was a Broad, he'd have his Belly full of Wine before he went Home again. Do that and Welcome, says she, For I would rather find you Ten-times in a Tavern, than Once in another Woman's Company; and so they parted. She returning to me, extremely Delighted with the thoughts of her Adventure.  
Indeed Madam, said I, I wonder you should give yourself all this Trouble; for what's matter, who your Husband keeps Company with, if he be under such Circumstances as you Report him. Poh, says she, you don't know what Policy, I had in my Head; was it not much better for me to detect them, than to give them the Opportunity of Detecting us; for I suppose, they were bound to the same Port: And now I have stopped their journey, the Coast is Clear, and we may Accomplish our own Undertaking, with less Fear, and more Safety.  
I could not forbear reflecting in my Thoughts on the Wit, as well as the Wickedness of Woman, who had no sooner a Conception of the Danger she herself must have been in, had she suffered them to have proceeded in their Voyage, but at the same Instant, projected a method to remove that stumbling Block out of her Way, which might otherways have proved of fatal Consequence to her own Intrigue. The Goodman, to be sure, making a kind Construction of her Accidental Discovery; and thought she had taken all that Pains, on purpose to detect him in his lose Practices, which he must needs acknowledge, as an argument of her Love, because she thought him worth her Looking after; and it's commonly allowed the greatest Demonstration a Woman can give of her Love, is her Jealousy; for its a certain Sign we value that most, that we are least willing, and most fearful should be Enjoyed by another.  
By this time we had an Island of Fish, floating in an Ocean of Butter, brought up to the Table; of which, like the Lady of a Feast, she Ceremoniously helped me to a very plentiful Plate, I gratefully repaid her Favour with a Cringe, which she returned with a Bow, that we Nodded at one another, like two Rams in a Challenge, just a going to Butt: Every Bit that was better than ordinary, she would force upon my Plate, that no Country Turkey Cock, fatted against Christmas to be sent to my Landlord at London, was ever so Crammed: I believe, I swallowed as many boiled Shrimps, and fried Oysters, as an Ostrich could Hobnails at a Meal; besides shoveld down as much Fresh Cod, as my Lord Mayor's Weapon Porter does Custard at a Feast; my Lady's chief Diversion all Dinnertime, being to fish in the Sauce for Delicious Morsels, to feast the palate of her new humble Servant; using so many kind Expressions to Court me to Eat, that I was quite surfeited with her Sweet Words, before I had half satisfied my Stomach with our Enticing Dainties; being forced sometimes to be Unmannerly, and Bumpkin like, Court my Mistress to Eat, with my own Mouth full, for fear she should think by my long Silence, I did not regard her. When I by the Manly Industry of my Hands and Jaws, and my Mistress, by her Effeminate Piddling and Picking, had both satisfied our Appetites, with our Nice and Well-dressed Dinner, according to Custom, we thought it necessary to make our Fish Swim a third time, in a more Noble Element, than either Butter or Water; calling accordingly for half a Flask of Red, that the Noble Tincture of the Wine, might Enrich our Food of a Purple Colour, and make its Juice the fit for our Veins Reception.  
All the Superfluous Implements of Eating being now taken away, we made each Glass a further Key to unlock the Secrets of our Souls, and began to Spin out the Threads of Love, to a lasting Length, Wetting each kind Word with Wine, that the Knot of Friendship might be tied the faster; how far our mutual desires might carry us beyond the Rules of Modesty, is neither my Business to tell, nor the Readers to inquire into; for there are many things that are Justifiable in Action, that are not Decent to Repeat; so that we will make that Modest by the Concealment, that might be thought Rude in the Discovery.  
When our Flask was out, we thought it high time to begin our Voyage: In order to set forward, we called for our Reckoning, which my Lady after many Expressions of Apology, for her Rude Unpracticable Attempt, but she was Resolutly bound to Defray the Days Expense, Entreating me to excuse the affront; at which, tho' I seemed to be dissatisfied, yet with much Persuasions, I was at last very hearty reconciled to my Mistress' Prodigality, and thought I had as much Reason to be good Humoured, asif I had Paid it myself.  
Having thus pretty well secured our Bodies from the Coldness of the Water, we took Boat at Billinsgate-stairs, and away for Cuckolds-Point▪ but were no sooner put off from the shore, but we were got into such an Innumerable Fleet, of Oars, Skullers, Barges, Cock-boats, Bumboats, Pinnaces and Yawles; some Going, some Coming, and all attacking each other with such Volleys of hard Words, that I thought Billingsgate-Market had been kept upon the Thames, and all the Fish-Whores in the Town, had been Scolding for a Plate, given 'em by some Rich Oyster-Woman, to encourage the Industry of the Tongue; calling my poor Lady and I, so often by the Opprobrious Names of Whore and Rogue, that for my Part, I thought they were Witches, and had known what we had been doing; tossing Ladles-full of Water into one another's Boats, till the Passengers were many of 'em as wet, as a Turbulent Woman just taken out of the Ducking-Stool. At last an Unlucky Rogue, with Bridewel-Looks and a Ladle in his Hand, fishes up a floating Sir-reverence in his Wooden Vehicle, and gives it an Unfortunate Toss upon my Ladies Bubbies. She crying out to me her Protector, to do the Office of a Scavenger, and take away the Beastliness, she being herself so very Squeamish, that she could no more endure to touch it with her Fingers, than a Monkey does a Mouse, it being Lodged in the Cavity, between her Breasts and her Stays, she could not shake it off, but I was forced to lend a hand to remove the Poisonous Pellat from her Snowey-Temptations, giving on't a Toss into another Boat, with the like Success, wounding an old Cuckoldy Waterman just in the Forehead, and so Be-dunged his Brow-Antlers, that I make no question but they spread and flourished, being thus Manured like the Horns of an Ox after well greasing, which put the grisly Churl (who I''ll warrant, by his Grey Hairs, had at least served Nine Prentice-ships to the Thames) into such a wonderful Passion, that he began to roar out his Aquatic Scurrility at us, with as much Indignation and Revenge, as a she-Mumper when bilked of her Crib, or an Alley-Scold when called Barren-Bitch, by her Neighbour, clawing the Unsavoury Birdlime off his Face, Snapping on't, as a Barber does Suds from the ends of his Fingers; Saluting my Mistress, and I, in the height of his Fury, after the following manner. You Shiten-skulled Son of a T— d, that has spit your Brains in my Face, who was Begot in Buggery, Born in a House of Office, and Delivered at the Fundament, fit for nothing but to be Cast into a Gold-finders Ditch, there lie till you're Rotten, and then be sold out to Gardeners, for a hot Bed, to raise Pumkins to feed the Devil withal. And as for you, You Brandy-faced, Bottle-noseed, Bawdy, Brimstone-Whore, Every time you Conjobble together, may he Beget your Bellyful of live Crabs and Craw-Fish, that as you strive to pluck 'em out, they may hang by the sides of your Tuquoque, and make you Squeak nine times louder than a Woman frighted into Labour a Month before her Reckoning. This, and such sort of Water-bred Language, he pelted at our Ears, till we were out of Hearing: Being both as glad when we had out-rowed his Impudence, as a Man that has outrun a Bailiff; for if ever any body was under an Ill-Tongue, we thought ourselves at that time in the same condition.  
Every Boat that came by had a pelt at my poor Mistress and I, who being but Two, besides Watermens, were most lamentably Mauled by other Boats, who being better Man'd, were quite too many for us, and rattled us into Silence with a Broadside of Bilingsgate Language, which was thrown on all sides so thick upon us, that we found it but a vain attempt to endeavour to be Herd amidst this Shower of ill-Words. We joged gently on, as fast as our Neighbouring Enemies would give us leave, who lay a Head of us, upon our Bow, Broadside, Quarters, and Stern, that we could not turn our Heads any way out of Tongue-Shot, but either Rogue, or Whore, Pimp, Cuckold, or Tailor, hit us a box of the Ear, that almost Deafened us. Dear Heart, says my Mistress, I wonder the Magistrates of the City do not take some care to prevent these sad Abuses upon the Water; for 'tis a shameful thing that Civil People should be called thus out of their Names. Prithee, said I, never mind 'em; for if my Lord M— were here himself, they'd be as ready to call him Cuckold as they would any body else; and he would not know which way to help himself, but must put it up as we do, there's no remedy▪  
After we had spent about half an hour upon the Water in this Misery, we Arrived at our intended Port, Cuckolds-Point, where we Landed in a Crowd, with as much difficulty as a Man crosses the Change at Two a Clock, or squeezes into Paul's Choir on a Sunday, whilst they are Singing of an Anthem. Having discharged our Watermens, we went into the House, where the Troop of Merry Cuckolds used to Rendesvouz; Armed with Shovel, Spade, or Pick-Ax; their Heads adorned with Horned Helmets; and from thence to March, in Order, for Horn-Fair, Levelling the Way as they go, according to the Command of their Leaders, that their Wives might come after with their Gallants, without spoiling their Laced Shoes, or draggling their Holiday Petticoats. When we had procured a Fire to recover our Natural Warmth, of which the Coldness of the Water had almost Robbed us, I began to inquire of the Dame of the Tenement from whence the Custom of the Meeting, Marshalling and Marching, of this Cornigerous Troop was at first derived? Who told me, That in the time of King john, when Religion could no more keep a Prince's Codpiece Buttoned, than it can now infuse Charity in a Priest, In the room of this, House says she, here than stood a Water-Mill, and Providence having blest the Knave the Miller, with a very handsome Wife, King John coming often this Way to Hunt upon Greenwich-Heath, & thereabouts, happened to see her, and became so Enamoured with her Lovely Looks, that he could by no means restrain his Inclinations, but must needs Cuckold the Miller; to which, when an Opportunity stood fair, the Dame Consented; but as 'tis believed, so Cunningly managed the matter, that her Husband should come Home, and Catch 'em in the Height of their Pastime, which the Miller did accordingly; and seeming not to know that he was King, took him up in his Arms and Threatened to fling him into the Mill-Dam, and Grinil his Head off, which so frightened his Majesty, that he told him if he would spare his Life, he would give him all the Land as far as he could see one Way. Which the Miller made him Vow to perform, before he would quit his hold; but then set him down very Civilly, and went into his Mill, Leaving the King to finish his Business with his Wife, as a means to further Engage him to the Performance of his Promise; the Miller waiting with a great deal of Impatience, till his Wife had submitted herself, like a Good Subject, to her dread Sovereign, and quietly surrendered that Fort, upon Discretion, which the King greatly wanted to be Master of: But as soon as the Fatigue was over, and the Royal Cuckold-Maker had gratified his ambition in adorning the Brows of the Mealy Peasant, the Miller began to Solicit his Imperial Rival for the generous Reward he had promised, to facillitate the wearing of that Forked Burden, which otherways would have sat very uneasily on his Forehead. The King assured him he would be as Good as his Word, and bid him look out, and the Land, as far as he could see one Way, on that side the River, he should possess as his own, Paying only this anwal acknowledgement, That he should once a Year, upon that day Twelvemonth, which proved the 18th of October, Walk to the farthest bound of his Estate, with a Pair of Bucks-Horns on his Head, attended with all his Family; or in Neglect of which, the Land should be forefeited; to which the Miller had Cunning enough to very readily Consent. The Cuckold-maker and the Cuckold being thus agreed, he was about to turn and look up towards London; which the King forbade him, telling him he had nothing that Way in his Power to dispose of, but ordered him to look downwards, and as far as he could see that Way, should be given him. The Miller having Washed his Eyes in Maids Water, to make him Clear Sighted, according to the King's Order, looked downwards, and saw as far as Charlton-Hill, all which Land between that and the Point, he afterwards Enjoyed, only performing the aforementioned Ceremony, according to Agreement: Wish, says she, was the Original of this Custom, and it is said that there are Lands hereabout, that are held even to this Day after the same manner.  
With this piece of History we were mightily pleased, the Woman herself showing a great deal of Zeal in the belief of the same; which indeed I swallowed without Chewing, as the Mob does the Political Reports of State, or an Ignorant Congregation does the Humdrum Doctrine of a Dark Priest.  
When we had Warmed and refreshed our Chilled Carcases, we set forward for Deptford; and having heard great Commendation of that Serviceable Projection, the N●w-Dock, I had a great desire to take a View of that by the Way, and so Shaped my Course accordingly. After we had passed by a long Range of little Cottages, at the Doors of which sat abundance of Dutch-buttocked Lasses, with Sea Handkerchiefs about their Pouting Bubbies, which were swelled with much handling, so far beyond their Natural Proportion, that their Breast and their Bellies, like Mother Shipton's Nose and Chin, met one with the other; some Knitting, some Spinning, and others picking Okum; but all, as I suppose, ready enough to quit their several Exercises and betake themselves to a Pleasanter Pastime, if any Body will hire ' 'em. Having passed by a great Number of these Condescending Mortals, we came to a Field which led to the Entrance of the Dock, about a Stones Cast on this side which, were a parcel of West-Indian-Creolians, lately come on Shore, Cooking in the open Air, an English Porker after the Indian manner, which was attempted to be performed as follows: They drove Sticks in the Ground, and Fenced in a square place with Old Tarpaulins, leaving one side open for the Wind to Fan the Fire which was made in the middle with Charcoal, directly over which lay the Grunter on a Grid-Iron, made of Spits; which were laid Cross, from side to side; the part that lay uppermost, being covered with the Dripping-Pan, to preserve it from Cooling, and the Fat drooping into the Fire, cast up such savoury Fumes from the burning Grease, that the Nossel of foul Candlesticks thrust into a Kitchen-Fire by a Good Housewife of a Cook, could not perfume her Sluttish-ships Territories with a more Obliging Odour; and about Six or Eight foot distance, from the main-Fire, was another Fire, to the Windward of the Pig, most Cunningly Contrived to Warm the Air, as it passed, lest its Coldness otherways might be some Impediment to the Grilliading, or beastly Cooking of their III favoured Beast, whose Eyes were Roasted in his Head accordinging to the Negro's Cookery, that he stared like a Dead Pig; and that side that lay next to the Fire, with the Smoke of the Dripping was almost as black as the Charcoal beneath it; that I question not but by the Time it was Ready, it stunk like a piece of Cheshire-Cheese, Toasted in the Flame of a Candle, and looked all over as black as the Rind of a Flitch of Bacon, that has hung Six months in a Country Chimney.  
We left them as busy about their Savage Piece of Cookery, as so many chosen Housewives dressing of a Wedding Dinner, and went into the Yard appertaining to the Dock, reported by Competent Judges to be able to receive 200 sail of Large Ships; which Serviceable Project, has so highly Disobliged the King of the East, that he had Vowed Cuckoldom to the whole Parish of Deptford, which of late has occasioned every Mariner and Ship-Carpenter adjacent, that has a handsome Wife, to look as narrowly after her, as a Hen does after her Chickens, to preserve 'em from the Kite. When we came about the middle of the Dock, we were obliged either to return back and go a Mile about, or else cross the Top of the Floodgates, at the Mouth of the Dock, which were about the common breadth of a Deal Board, and about Ten Yards over. My Mistress was much more ready to be at the Pains, than choose the danger; Remembering, That the furthest way About, might be the nearest way Home; and I was for running the hazard, to avoid the Pains, and endeavoured to prevail on my Lady to take Courage, and run the risk of being Ducked, to Abridge our Journey; with much ado, by upbraiding her with Cowardice, and giving her some Words of Encouragement, I at last chased away her Effeminacy, and made her resolve to endanger the Cooling of her Lechery, to oblige her Gallant; which she undertook and performed with so much Bravery, that had the Stoutest Stallion in Christendom been on the other side, to have received her, she could not have run through the danger with a more Undaunted Resolution; but I found by her Countenance, she was as well pleased when she had got safe over, as a Country Fellow that has Shot the Bridge, or a Town Bully that had survived a Duel.  
From hence we proceeded till we came to Deptford, where I think the first House in the Town, like many others, is accounted a Conveniency for his Majesty's Water-Rats, when residing upon Land, to Cool their Tails in; when we came a little further into the Town, we might easily discern, by the built of the Houses, what Amphibeous sort of Creatures chief Inhabited this part of the Kingdom; their Dens were chief Wood, all of one form, as if they were obliged by Act of Parliament, to all Build after the same Model; here a pretty Woman or two at a Door, there another o● two at a Window, all looking as Melancholy as Old Maids and Widows, for want of Male Conversation; gazing upon each Man that passed 'em, with as much Earnestness and Desire, as ever our Great Grandmother did upon the Forbidden Fruit. The Ladies that chief Inhabit these Cabins, were the Wives of Mariners, whose Husbands were some gone to the East-Indies, and some to the West, some Northward, some Southward, leaving their Disconsolate Spouses, to make Trial of their Virtue, and live upon Public Credit till their return, who if it were not for the Benevolence of a well-disposed Neighbouring Knight, and a few more Charitable Worthy Gentlemen, they might, tho' Married, grow Sullen, like the Negro Women, for want of Husbands, and pine away because Nature is not supplied with due Accommodation. Many Shops we observed open in the Streets, but a Brandy-Bottle, and a Quartern, a Butcher mending of a Canvas Doublet, a few Apples in a Cabbage-Net, a Peel-full of Deptford Cheesecakes, an old Waistcoat, a Thrum Cap, and a pair of Yarn Mittings, were the chief Shows that they made of their Commodities, every House being distinguished by either the Sign of the Ship, the Anchor, the Three Mariners, Boatswain, and Call, or something relating to the Sea: For as I suppose, if they should hang up any other, the Salt-water Novices would be as much puzzled to know what the Figure represented, as the Irishman was, when he called the Globe the Golden Case-body, and the Unicorn the White-horse with a Barber's Pole in his Forehead.  
The Women we chief met in the Streets, were Accoutered most commonly like the meanest of our Oyster-women, in Ragged Gowns, Daggled Petticoats, Blue Aprons, Speckled Handkerchiefs about their Necks, and their Heads adorned with Flatcaps; those that we met Coupled, had generally short squat well-tr●ss'd-Fellows by their Sides, in New course Cloth-Coats, Speckled Breeches, Grey Stockings, Round-toeed Shoes, Picked Heels, stitched round the Quarters, tied on with Scarlet-Tape instead of Buckles, with Mittings on his Hands, a Fur-Cap on his Head, Armed with an Oaken Cudgel, with a Head as big as a four Pounder. I observed they all, Spaniard like, kept up to one Fashion, so that the same Description would serve any I saw, with a very Slender Variation. Now and then, 'tis true, we met a Bluff Blade, who looked as Burly as if he had Fed his whole Life-time upon Peas and Swine's Flesh, with a Campaign Wig on, the Hairs of which, for want of Combing once in a Month, hung in as many Tangle Locks, as if he had been flying, and a Sword tied on as high as the Waistband of his Breeches, and had no more motion when he walked, than a Two-foot Rule, stuck into the Apronstrings of a Carpenter: These sort of Sea Monsters, I observed the Mumpers saluted with the Title of Noble Captain, and had the right Knack of Coaxing these Quarter-Deck- Blunderbusses out of their Farthings and Halfpences, with the taking and insinuating Cant of Honour and Worship, as fast as a Horse Mountebank Gulls the Mob out of their Twopences, by calling of them Gentlemen; his Noble Worship looking round him as big, after he had paid the Beggar a Penny for his Title, as an old Cozening Curmudgeon, who has Built an Alms-house, or a Rich Citizen that has got a poor Brother's Child into the Blew-Coat-Hospital.  
We walked on till we came to the upper End of the Town, where stood some very pretty Houses, whose Gates for Ostentation-sake, were made with Bars, that each Passenger might Delight his Eyes, with an External Prospect of these their most Creditable and Beautiful Habitations: In this Row stood a most famous Hospital, Erected for the Entertainment of Thirtyone Decayed Masters of Vessels, or their Widows, depending on the Trinity-House; the Masters of which, having the Care thereof; to the relief and support of which Charitable Design, every Ship at her Clearing, pays according to her Burden so much Money. Our Curiosity led us to take a Turn into it, which we found very Pleasant and Commodious, as to the Building and Situation; but when I enquired into the Allowance, I found it so very small, that it might rather be called Pinch-Gut-Colledge, than an Hospital for Poor Pensioners; who with much difficulty gaining Admittance into these Starving Confines, have no more allowed 'em, to find Meat, Drink, Washing, Fire, clothes, and all Necessaries of Life, than Twelve Shillings per Month; and four Months in the Year are set at five Weeks, to take in the Odd Month; most that are there having Paid more Money towards it, before they came into it, than ever their Allowance would amount to, if they were to Live Fifty Years in the Hospital; to which many great Legacies have been left, but the Number of Pensioners never Increased, nor their Pensions Advanced; so that how it is sunk, or lmbezelled, or to what Use Converted, no Body knows, but those Persons who have the Discretionary Power, as 'tis supposed, of laying it safe up in their own Pockets. An East-India Captain, some few Years since, Dying, Bequeathed Thirteen Hundred Pounds to this Hospital; out of which Money, it never Received any other apparent Advantage, than the Statue of the Benefactor set up in the Garden, for the Pensioners to Feast their Eyes, instead of their Bellies, withal. The Members of this Society of Tarpaulin Paupers, are only during the Pleasure of the Masters of the Trinity, and are liable to be turned out, upon very slender Mis-behaviours. There is another such Hospital by the Church, Originally Founded by Queen Elizabeth, for but Twentyone Poor Masters, or their Widows; and except in Number, is equal in every particular, with the former; so that by all the Observations I could make, in so short a Passage through the Town, I could not but think it very well deserved this following Character: The Town's without Necessaries; they've Butchers without Meat, Alehouses without Drink, Houses without Furniture, and Shops without Trade; Captains without Commission, Wives without Husbands, Whores without Smocks, a Church without Religion, and Hospitals without Charity.  
From thence we made the best of our Way, towards Greenwich, finding nothing remarkable by the Way, but now and then, a Knot of London Prentices, Armed with Lady's of Defence, to secure their Noddles and their Elbows, from the Insolent Assaults of the more Unlucky Mob, drawn out of Spittle-Fields, Clare-Market, and Sweet St. Giles; in which parts of the Town, Rude Rogues and Reprobates are as Plenty as Lice in a Campaign, or Flies in july in the Shop of a Confectioner. The first part of Greenwich Town that I came into was the Churchyard, where the Numbers of the Dead, had almost Buried the Church, that could each Corpse Buried against the Church Wall, raise his Head but half a Foot above the Surface of the Earth he lies in, he might peep in at the Church Window, on a Sunday, and frighten the whole Congregation out of the Church. As I Entered the Holy Ground, I took Notice of several Good Houses on the Left Hand, which looked like Habitations fit for Christians to Live in; but in some parts of the Town, the Huts were no bigger than Indian Wigwams, scarce big enough for a Cuckold and his Wife, to lie at length, without putting their Head or their Heels in the Chimney Corner. Hearing the King's House being Converted to an Hospital, for Disabled Seamen, as a means to Encourage others hereafter to venture their Limbs in the Nations-Service, to be rewarded with a Lazy Life, no Money, and short Commons, when either Age or Lameness has made them a Misery to themselves, and a Burden to the World; we took a Walk into it, to take a Brief Survey of this New and Well-intended piece of Charity; which like the gay Buildings of Northampton, looks very Stately and Magnificent without side, but Examine within, and you'll find but very poor Inhabitants; one part of it was almost finished, wherein I observed every Pensioner was designed a distinct cabin to himself, and was allotted a little more room than he is like to Enjoy in the Churchyard, and not much neither: When it's all Completed, 'twill be a Noble Edifice, not at all Inferior to any of those great Gifts, where much more Grandeur is Visible in the Walls, than Hospitality in the Kitchen; but its Situate in a good Place for a little Victuals to make a great show; for Greenwich, like a Spanish Town, is under such a Scarcity of Flesh Meat, that a Gentleman not long ago, brought his Mistress down with a Design to lie all Night in the Town, but was forced to go back to London, at seven a Clock at Night, against Tide, because never a Public House in the Town could procure him a Supper. It's a rare place to Punish a Man troubled with a Caninus Appetitus, for a Walk in the Park is a rare thing to put his Stomach in an uproar, and the Town an excellent place to make him run Mad for want of Victuals to allay his Hunger: Here many Citizens in the Summer time keep their Wives at Board-Wages, purely because there's no manner of Dainties to incline them to Extravagance: here many of 'em also put their Children to Nurse, because it's a sharp Air, and fit for the Breeding up a Young shopkeeper.  
From thence we walked on till we came upon the Heath; but Climbing up the Hill, we saw at the bottom of a deep Precipice, the Mouth of several Caves, Pray, Sir, said my Mistress, What Ugly Frightful Places are those at the bottom of the Pit? Indeed Madam, said I, I can't well tell; but they took as if they were the Back Doors to the Devils Territories, and that the People of Greenwich had found out a nearer Cut to Hell, than the rest of their Neighbours. We were no sooner come upon the Heath, but every Fool was become a Tom-Ladle; and every Bush was made a Fence to a Furmity Kettle, the Gentlemen Quick-workers in the dark Mystery of Mischief, were here assembled in a body, in order to break the Elbows of all Nonconformists, that would not come over to the Ladle-Discipline; which my Mistress and I observing, were forced to Conform to the Custom of the Country, and each Arm ourselves with a Ladle, as a Protection from the Rabbles Insolence; who indeed, were afterwards as Civil to us as could be expected of such Tameless Monsters; and let us pass with now and then a little Knock of the Elbow, not much harder than would have Cracked a Fill-bert; which we were forced to bear, with all Patience and Submission, till we came into the Fair, of which I shall proceed to give you a True Character.  
It stands near the Church, to make good the Old Proverb, viz. The nearer the Church, the farther from God. Tho' it's the Rudest Fair in England, it gins with a Sermon; which makes another Old saying Good, viz. In the Name of the Lord gins all Mischief. They say the Parson usually takes his Text upon this Occasion out of Solomon's Proverbs; and I ask why he did so, was told, Because Solomon was a great Cuckold-maker, and therefore his Doctrine was the fit to be prenched at Horn-Fair. The People of the Town eat so sparingly, that they never Exonerate but once a week, and that's on Sundays, making the Churchyard their Dunghill, which you cannot cross without wading up to your Ankles in Sir-reverence. All that is Sold at the Fair of use, are Shoes, Pattens, and Leather-Breeches; the rest are Horn-Toys, and Fools-Baubles? The one bought to vex Cuckolds, and the other to please Children. The whole place, for the time, is a Commonwealth, where the Rabble make Laws, and all that approach must keep ' 'em. It's an Ill place for a Proud Man to walk with his Arms on Kimbo, for they have more spite against the Elbows than any part of the Body. He that brings Money to this Fair, must look after his Pockets; for the Waterlane-Anglers are here as busy as Milkmaids on a May-day. It is an Annual Rendesvouz for the Mob of London, where it is as rare to see Persons of Creditable appearance, as 'tis to see an Honest man in Newgate, or a Fool in the Jews Synogogue. Here is a great deal of Furmity to be Sold, but very few People that buy any. Here are a great many Thiefs, but few that have any thing to Lose; and abundance of Beggars, but few or none to relieve ' 'em. The Fair seems to stand bounded between God and the Devil; for the Church stands at one end of it, and a Music-house at tother. It's good for nothing, as I know on, but to humble the Conceit that a Proud Man may have of his Person; for it's enough to make a Man out of Love with Humane Shape, to behold the Folly and Rudeness of so many Reprobates, that were at it. 'Tis a Sanctuary for Ill Manners, a Protection of all Rudeness, an Encouragement of Wickedness, a Revelling of young Libertines, a Looking-glass of Confusion, hurtful to good Manners, and hateful to all Good Men.  
FINIS.