Labour in Vain: OR, WHAT SIGNIFIES Little or Nothing. VIZ. I. The Poor Man's Petitioning at Court. II. Expectation of Benefit from a Covetous Man in his Life-time. III. The Marriage of an Old Man to a Young Woman. IV. Endeavours to Regulate men's Manners by Preaching or Writing. V Being a jacobite. VI Confining an Insolvent Debtor. VII. Promise of Secrecy in a Conspiracy. VIII. An Enquiry after a Place. LONDON Printed, and Sold by most Booksellers in London and Westminster, 1700. A DIALOGUE Between the AUTHOR AND THE PRINTER. Printer. WHat Title do you design to give this Book? Author. Labour in Vain: Or, What Signifies Little or Nothing. Printer. Then I'm like to make a very hopeful Bargain this Morning; and grow Rich like a Jacobite, that would part with his Property, for a Speculative Bubble. Author. Be not angry; for the same Estimate and Epithet the greatest Divines give to the whole World. Printer. I done't like their Characters, or Epithets; f●r I believe there's a real value in our Coin; and I know little of their Spiritual Notions, neither will I puzzle my Head about what they tell me I can't rightly Understand. Auth. I could convince you, that you are in the wrong, in being so Indifferent about Enquiring into the Cause, Nature, and Value of Things. Prin. I am, in this point, a Quaker; and will not by Reason be Convinced. Pray, Sir, tell me, am I to Buy a Shop-full of Empty Pastboard-Boxes, or not? Auth. Sir they are full. Print. Why then do you put over the Door, That the Goods Signify Little, or Nothing? 'Tis a strange sort of Information, to expect to get Customers by. Auth. I had several Reasons that induced me to put this Title to my Book; and not to keep you longer upon the Fret, I will tell you some of them. First, The natural inquisitive Humour that reigns in all Mankind after Novelty; for no sooner will the Title be Read, or Cried, but the Reader, or Hearer, will query what it's about, conclude it some Maggot or other, and to be satisfied, will Buy it; so you'll gain by his Curiosity. Then I've known many dull Books that have sold well, by the help of an Ingenious, or Whimsical Title. Puff me, Puff more, Puff cannot stay, Colle molle Puff; the Odness and Maggot of that Cry, has sold the Fellow many a Tart; for many Persons who only out of Curiosity have peeped into his Basket, have found something or other that pleased them. Besides the Title is a pro po, because the Subjects I writ about, tho' they make a great bustle in the World, yet their Conclusions, or Produce, are very Frivolous, Insignificant, and answer not the End designed. Print. To what purpose did you spend your time in Writing on such Subjects? And why should I be at the labour of Printing, or charge of Paper? Auth. Print it by all means; it may employ some to add to it, the History of the Printer. Print. What, that my Pains was Labour in Vain, and Charge signified Little or Nothing? I am mightily obliged to you for the method you have taken to Expose me to Laughter: But let it prove as it will, if I Buy the Devil, I'll try to Sell him. But if your Whim ●on't take, I'll never buy Goods again before I've looked over the whole parcel. Labour in Uain: OR, What Signifies Little or Nothing. The Poor Man's Petitioning at Court. HOW Fruitless and Empty the Requests of the Poor have returned at Court, whether they have been for I●stice or Mercy, is apparent from a Thousand Instan●e●: And one I'll relate to you, without Peevish 〈◊〉 Reflecting upon any particular Court, for the Pauper's Petition is alike neglected (by what I've Seen, Heard, or Read) in every Court. A Gentleman (fitly Qualified) who by permission had Purchased an Employ for Life, under a King, and to his Successors, was, upon a Successor's coming to the Crown (tho' he had taken Oaths of Allegiance, and done what was requisite, according to Law, for Qualification) to feed the Avarice, or gratify the wicked Bounty of a certain Person, to whose care the Managery was entrusted, was turned out, with only the Madmans' humourous Reason, Sic Iub●o, sic Volo. By which unjust (at least unkind) usage, he had very little left to maintain himself, Wife, and four Children. At once his Quondam Friends sounded Retreat, Would scarce afford good Words, and mu●h less M●at To see his Face, they'd never after Care, As if his very Looks Insectious were: Like Careful Bees, to their own Hives they f●ew: As he from Fortune, they from him withdrew▪ I cannot forbear in this place putting the Epithet Wicked, to that Generous Virtue, Bounty; since here 'twas a powerful Robbery committed upon one Man's Right, to seem Bounteous in a Bequest to another. The deprived Man hurt, complained with all the respect a Supplicant should use, but his Prayer was answered with a Negative. Afterwards he served that King without Pay in His Army abroad; and upon the death of the Possessor of his Employ, he again prayed to be Restored; upon which prayer he had an Order for the next Vacancy; which when happened, a certain Gentleman, who but a short time before had presented the Deprived Man to the King, in the Army, and had given it under his Hand, That he had been turned out without cause, and that he served as a Volunteer; gave it again under his Hand, That the poor Petitioners alleging to have served in the Army, was a mistake; and his last Act (the former, in good manners, I'll believe being forgot) was credited; so Order and Petition were both dismissed, to the Ruin of the Man, and his Family. OBSERVATION. By this true Relation is evident, the little success that is to be expected from the poor unhappy Man's Petitioning against a Man in Power; for when he pleases, he Blackens and Misrepresents an Underling; and what a Favourite says, is easily believed. Then tell me how the Poor shall find relief, Or gain a Cure for Undeserved Grief, Their Fate depending on a King's Belief. In such a Case, a Prince is the easiest Man in the World to be Imposed on, considering the vast multitude of Affairs that Centre in His Ordering and Manage, the particular Cognizance of all which, 'tis impossible for Him to take; for upon a kind of Necessity He is obliged to have His knowledge of several Affairs from the report that those about Him are pleased to make; and what Man will tell a Story to his own disadvantage? And who can tell it but the Favourite, whilst the poor Petitioner is debarred Access? Before a Favourite, none shall be believed And against the Rich, 'tis hard to be Believed: In vain you offer up an empty Prayer, Which Fattens not the Courtier, or his Heir; Something that's Solid, and of real Good, (At least for such by Worldlings understood) Must be presented, if you'd favour find, Which rarely warms th' Endowments of the Mind; But to the Fortunate, and Rich are kind. Since Money weighs down justice and Desert, The Poor's Desires don't signify a Fart. Expectations of Benefit from a Covetous Man in his Life-time. QVis Pauper? Avaras: An admirable and proper Answer to the Question; because the Covetous Man wanteth that which he hath, as well as that which he hath not, as proves true by the following relation. A Friend of mine (if a Covetous Man can be so) of Gentile Extraction, and suitable Educa●i●●, having a competent Estate of four hundred Pounds per Annum, an● a thousand Pounds in Money left him, which Revenue as far exceeded his desire of Living, as it came short of his desire of Acquiring; for he no sooner had the Possession, but he retrenched the usual Expenses of the Family; he saved Charge, by putting away the Mouths that caused it; and the only Servant that he kept, lived almost like a Bear in Greenland, on the Nourishment he had got in the Summer of the Father's Life time. In short, no Anchorite lived more sparing than he, unless it were upon another's cost, and than 'twas a covetous humour made him Eat and Drink like a Glutton and a Drunkard. In all his Actions he was Base; He would Steal his own Goods, to make his Servant pay for them: By such sordid ways his Wealth was accumulated; he sold the Mansionhouse, because the Purchase-Money would yield a greater profit than the Rent amounted to; and retired from a great House (not from Plenty and Abundance) to a less, that he could not Rend out: By such Niggardly Methods, in process of time, he had heaped up a very great Treasure. There was a Young hopeful Gentleman, his Nephew, who expected to ●●ap the fruits of his Covetousness, that often came to visit him; and w●s always Complaisant, soothed, and commended every Humour, which I take to be the right way of Pleasing; for certain (at least du●ing the time of prevailing Fancy, or Action) every Man is pleased with his own Sentiments, or Do; so consequently loves to have them approved, and applauded. He gratified the Miser's Appetite at his own Expense, his Pantrey and his ●ellar were always ready to gratify his least motion of desire, his C●●ch and Horses attended his occasions; he balked his own Hu●ou●, neglected his pleasant and facetious Companions, and con●●●● himself to Oblige his Sordid Temper. Tho' it must be confessed Self-interest moved him, yet it pleased the Wretch, when he advised him to secure his Treasure, that no Rachel, or other, might Steal his God. He Christened his Son of the Jew's Name, he did, what not? to Oblige him. He defended him from Robbers at the peril of his own Life: Nay more, He justified his base Principles, contrary to his 〈◊〉: But all the Returns that were paid to these Services, ●e●e Mountain-Promises, whilst in his Cups; but Molehills, or no ●erformances, when Sober. Afterwards this Obliging Gentleman fell by misfortune into Straits and Necessities, so that his Family wanted convenient Subsistance; yet the other pitiless, and unconcerned, returned no good Nature, no Charity, no grateful Act, for all his generous Obligations; not so much as even common Humanity would out of Mercy oblige a very jew to show to a Stranger in Misery. After the Miser had Bought what he had left, for half the value, he forbidden him his House, and whenever he met him, he passed by him as a Stranger. At last, Intestate, the miserable Rascal Dies; for the very Thought of disposing of his Riches, would have been as Mortal as a Cannon Shot: So Volens N●lens, what he left, fell to this Gentleman. But I had almost forgot to tell you, That his Jealous Temper (which must accompany the Covetous, let their Avarice be fixed on what it will) made him Bury a great part of his Money and Writings, so that a great deal was lost for want of the knowledge of the Concealments. OBSERVATION. A Covetous Desire is properly applicable to self, for even when I seem to desire the Advantage of another, there is something of self in the matter; and it must be allowed that he I wish well, is my Friend; tho' another's being my Enemy, only makes him so; so by my desire, I gratify my own Inclination in my Friend's Advantage, or please my Anger, in my Enemy's Disadvantage; a Covetous Man's Thoughts centre in his own Prosit, and what good goes besides him, he counts by Providence wrong applied; then 'tis Idle to expect, that he that Covets all, should frustrate his vast Design, by giving me a part; as Covetousness is a Selfish humour, 'tis impossible it should be diffusive. The Misers Wish, is of a vast Extent, And would Engross, beneath the Firmament, All that it likes; still Covetous, would try To Merchandise with Spirits of the Sky. His Wishes only to Advantage tend, From Self's their Origin, in Self they End; So cannot be Diffusive to a Friend. In Vain a Favour you expect from such, You may as well expect one from the D—. The Marriage of an Old Man to a Young Woman. THe mutual Disapointments that commonly thwart, and hinder the Happiness expected by the Marriage of an Old Man to a Young Woman, the following Story sets forth: An Ancient Gentleman, whose head Age had Powdered like a Beau's, who in his Sprightly Youth could at Sight answer the Expectations of the most Lascivious Female, as Doctor's Commons and Parish-Books could Witness, he had lived a Libertine Life, and had never thoughts of Marriage, till he was Three Score and Ten, when he happened into the Company of a Beautiful Young Woman, whose Charms, and Behaviour bl●w away the Ashes that covered the Fire that remained in the Brands end, so that it made a Faint Blaze, which (of late unaccustomed) warmth made the (willing to be Deceived) Signior fancy that there was yet a great Stock of Vigour in his Veins, that would answer the ends of Marriage; thus when Lechery had left his Tail, and agitated only by Desire, fancied mighty Performances in his Lustful Brain, he Courts this Lady for his Bride, who had not the Charms to renew an old Aesons Age, sensible that his expiring Flame could not long last, he was Impatient of delay; so by continual Courtship he tried to watch his Mistress, like a Hawk, into Compliance; but 'twas persuasive Money that made her Consent to endure a Lenten Penance, in Expectation of an happy Easter after his Death. In short, for filthy Lucre Married him, and submitted herself to his ●eeble Threescore and Ten Years Attempts, after his fluttering all the Wedding Day, they were put to Bed, (I think that word suitable to his Age) and after Sack-Posset Eat, and Stocking thrown, the Company withdrew, and left them to themselves. When he failed in Performance, she was frustrated in her Expectation, so that their Marriage signified Little or Nothing. OBSERVATION. The Answer I make, to those that will say, Every Body knew this Story before, is, That tho' I pretend to Write Novels, I don't Novelties, but to dress up something that for one Meal may be Pleasing, and of grateful Gust; and perhaps some Observation may be made from this Story worthy Self-Application: But tho' the Reader do not, I will, to continue the Method I first Designed. To Attempt any thing, which nothing but (almost) a Miracle can make Successful, is Folly and Madness; and little less, can move a Man of Threescore Years and Ten to do— to any purpose. An Old Man Marrying a Young Woman, is like laying down a good Joint of Meat, to an almost Consumed Fire, which will blaze a while, but by the sudden decay, for want of Fuel, will make it but luke Warm: He is counted a Blockhead that pretends to set up a Trade, when he is past Labour, without he takes an able Journeyman; and I believe in this Case, no Man will willingly admit of a Journeyman to manage his Commodity, and without one (by effects may be judged) the Marriage will signify little towards Procreation. Disappointments must happen to the Man from Natural Consequence, notwithstanding the mighty belief of his Abilities. I have known from Powerful Fancy, when a Child has been tired with Walking, yet Imagining he Road when he had a Switches between his Legs, would Imitate the Trot and Gallop, for a small while, without complaining; but presently the weakness and Imbecility of his Feet, made him sensible his Natural Strength (tho' agitated by Desire) could not carry him to his desired home: So the Old, whose Vigorous heat is Spent, may imagine if he get a Cock Horse, how furiously he'll Ride; but like the tired Child, his Natural decay will appear. The Man being deceived, by Consequence the Woman must; and what sad Effects do such Disappointments cause, are Evident from the future carriage of both Man and Woman: He grows Jealous, unwilling another should Feed, tho' he himself can't make use of the Dainties; then the Poor abused Woman is watched, perhaps confined, and her whole Life made uneasy. Like a poor Man (cajoled by mighty Promises) transported to the West-Indies; when he comes there, finding himself a Slave, to the Beck and Rod of an Imperious Patron, being fast bound by Contract, has no hopes of Liberty, but from the Expiration of time; such is the Condition of a Young Woman, who flattered with the belief of Fond Doting Dalliance, and Plenty, is betrayed into the Slavery of Marriage, with an Old Fellow, she has no hopes of Deliverance from, but by the Expiration of her Disagreeable Husband's Life; her Youthful heat meeting with the Icy coldness of his Age, causes thunder in the House: Continual Jars forbidden all hopes of Peace. When Waves Swollen high by force of mighty Wind, They fiercely meet, and are in Bat●●c joined; The frothy Salt, with motion's set on Fire; But Washed with Native Water, soon expire: So tossed by Billows of remaining Lust, Which Shuffles up and down the Aged Dust, Salt Sparks are blown into a sudden Flame, But Age's Moisture soon does quench the same. The old Man's boasting Promises in Love, Do little signify, as Women prove; 'Tis Vapour all, and Limber as my Glove. In Vain the Aged Man hopes to Receive Blessings, which only Sprightly Youth can give; In Vain a Women does expect a Trade, From one whom Stingy Age has Bankrupt made; Such Disappointments happen to them both, Which makes the Marriage prove of little worth. The Reverse of this Story, which is an Old Woman Marrying to a Young Fellow, is to the full as ridiculous, and signifies as little to a mutual Content. Endeavours to Regulate men's Manners by Preaching or Writing. THE present Age is not so very Virtuous, but that we may meet with examples in almost every Company and Conversation, that demonstrates the little Efficacy the well designed Writings and Public Teaching of Good Men have had, towards Reformation of Manners, and the Practice of Virtue. But not being willing to expose particularly the Insensibility that appears either in my own Life, by not Amending, and Correcting my reproved Actions, or in the general Practice of any Fellow-Country-men; I have pitched upon the History of Socrates, so far as it agrees with my Design; that is, to show how little the good Documents he Taught, signified to the Reform or Benefit of the Athenians, and the Odium they caused from those he endeavoured to Amend. Socrates, who was Born in a small Village called 〈◊〉▪ under the Athenian Jurisdiction; is commonly called the A●●eni●n, to distinguish him from several others, of that Name, one of which Wrote the History of Argos, another was a Bat●ynia●, etc. This Socrates the Athenian, was taught Philosophy under Anaxagoras, he was a Man of great Temperance, of a strong Constitution, one who enquired into the Nature of Sublime things, Studied Humanity, Practised and Publicly Preached, to poor and Rich, Virtue and Good Manners; to be silent, and not to reprove Wicked Men, he counted a Crime against the Gods; to Discourse of Virtue, he esteemed as a great Happiness; and employing himself almost constantly in instructing of the Citizens, he neglected mightily his private Affairs, so that he was Poor, and told the Athenians, that he ought to be Maintained out of the Prytaneum, or Public Store-House: That he ought to be Rewarded more than a Victor, for the Conqueror could but make them appear to be Happy, when by his Instructions in Virtue (if Practised) they would really be so, not only from present Serenity of Mind, but in Futuro; for he believed an Immortality of the Soul, and the very day he Died, he employed in Discoursing of, and by Convincive Arguments to his Friends proved the Souls Indivisibility, and Consequently Immortality; he Taught as he Believed, that nothing of Evil could happen to a Good Man, his Concerns being taken Care of by the Gods; but notwithstanding his Eloquent persuasive Speeches upon so Noble a Subject, as Virtue, which for its own Sake, aught to attract men's Inclinations, and Affections; the Athenians were so far from Reforming from their Accustomed Immoralities, that Miletus, Anytus, and others, accused him, as Guilty of a Capital Crime, for Instructing the People in the ways of Virtue, and for Reproving them, when they Acted contrary to Morality and good Manners: They were so Exasperated against him for his Good Endeavours to introduce Honesty and Piety, Inconsistent with their Practice, that without a Confronting Witness, they Condemned him to Death; which Sentence was put in Execution by a Draught of Poison. By which Barbarous usage, 'tis Apparent that all his Te●●hing signified little towards the Reformation of the Lives of ●is Fellow Citizens. OBSERVATION. Tho Licentiousness is more agreeable, and facile to the depraved Nature of Mankind; yet almost every Age hath produced a Preaching Experienced Solomon, a Socrates, a Plato, or some such Good Men, who have Endeavoured by Writing and Teaching, backed with the Inducing Reasons of a present Serenity of Mind, that must upon Necessity Accompany Virtuous Actions, or the Glorious Prospect of an Unconceivable Reward hereafter; to persuade Men by Arguments, Conducing to self Interest, (which in all other Cases is prevailent) to Practise Piety, Honesty and Civility, yet what poor Crops have the Stony Soil produced, every Age against itself is Witness. The Libertinism of an Heathen, I don't so much wonder at, because he has no Thoughts of Futurity to Check his Mad Career; but that Men who are daily Taught, and Instructed in Piety, and Morality, and who upon a Self-query, will own that they really Believe to do Good, is for their Advantage, should Act directly contrary to their Belief, is an Extravagant Madness, not to be paralleled: Is there no Remedy for so Great, and Contagious an Evil to be found? Yes, an Heathen teaches me one, Trabimur Exemplis Plus Quam Praeceptis; for if those in Power and Greatness Practised Virtue, the Underlings would Imitate; if 'twere Customary, every one would be in the Fashion: But whilst Vice and Immorality are Countenanced by the Great, Orders for keeping the Sabbath, and against Profaneness, are of little Efficacy; for when the great Fish break the Net, the little ones will go out at the Rent. Tho' arguing for Virtue, and good Manners, is highly to be Commended, yet the little Reformation we find, shows that hitherto it has signified Little or Nothing. He that would bar me of a coming joy, And by strict Rules, my Liberty Destroy, In Trammels makes me Place away my Life, 'Twixt Nature and his Rules is constant strife; So Irksome, and Uneasy I must be, By Reason of their great Antipathy; This is the Language of th' Unthinking Man, Who led by Custom, loves to be Profane; And will not change his Road, what e'er you Teach, Scarce tho' a Jonah once again should Preach: But still that Monkey, Man, would Imitate, And Virtue Practice, Copied from the Great. Examples, wanting Precepts, are but Vain; And moving Arguments in florid strain, Won't make the Blockish Crowed from Ill Refrain. Being a Jacobite. ONE, who out of Good Manners, I must style a Gentleman, because he justly Claims that Title from his Ancestors; and it must be allowed him now, even in his Adversity, since his Accounted Crimes of Omission, in not actually complying to the Laws in force, proceed from the Dictates of his Conscience, and not from an Obstinate Spirit of Contradiction; for tho' this Gentleman's Opinion will not permit him to comply in the Active part, yet out of Submission to the Laws of his Country, without refractoriness, he's Obedient in the Passive. This Gentleman (as many others) is at this time termed a jacobite, as being the title Customarily used, in Opposition to Williamite; concluding, that he that is not for me, is against me. Upon the Revolution in the Year 1688, (which by Unfathomed Providence was brought about, so contrary to Rational Appearance, that after Ages will hesitate at the Belief of the Heroic Attempts of the present King, and the Unaccountable Manage of the last) this Man was turned out of several Considerable Employs, (or rather he turned himself out, for it cannot be expected, that any will be 〈◊〉 (unless by Power to those that will not serve them) stripped of 〈◊〉 Incomes, he for a while handsomely subsisted; but seeding con●●●ntly upon last Years Crop, without Sowing for another Harvest, ●is Gra●●ry was Empted without hopes of Replenishing, without a Miracle; Reduced, he herded with those of his own Opinion, that by the Benevolence of Fortune were able to relieve him, and did Generously for a time; but continual Dependence made him sensible of the Bitterness of the Curse: The Undervaluing Slights, the ●y●ing Attendance, often Refusals, beggarly Loans, Reprimands, Advice too late given, all which, with appearing Patience, by force he was obliged (if he would Eat) to undergo, made him almost distracted in his Thoughts. The impending Misery of want by its near approach, appearing Dreadful and Afrightning, put him upon the Studious Thoughts, how to subsist for the future. He considered the many reasons drawn from self Interest, and other Powerful 〈◊〉, for Conforming to the present Government; the general 〈◊〉, and Practice of many, whose Learning and Integrity he could 〈◊〉 call in question (unless he should Contradict his own Experience) made him bring his Manage into Examination, and his Rational Arguments made him often Waver, and query the Prudence of his Opinion; so far, that he had some thoughts of Conforming to what the Representatives of the Nation had agreed; but having so long stood out, he could have no hopes of being received with that favour, so as to be trusted in any considerable Employ; either Civil, Military, or Ecclesiastical; he was too Poor, and of too little Interest, to expect an Honourable Title; too Illiterate to be made a Dean, too well known to be trusted with the Managing of a Secret in National Affairs; so he stuck to his old Principals tho' he reaped no Advantage by them, for Poverty like Ivy twines to the jacobite, and spoils his Growth; his Opinion Contradicting in general, to the Sentiments of the greatest part of the Nation, was so far from being any ways Advantageous to him, that it exposed him to want; and debarred him from the hopes of repairing his Ruined Fortunes. OBSERVATION. THIS Story is equally applicable to Iacobite, Williamite, Wigg, Tory, or what other Name of Distinction is given to any Man, who Rows not with the common Stream that the River of his Country runs; he tugs against the Tide, and makes very little Progress. To oppose the General Sentiments of a Country, is drawing up-hill by choice, and gives just cause for People to call a Man's Judgement in Question, since there is a nearer, and downhill beaten Path at Hand; 'tis something like going in the Strand, towards the Horse-Guard, on a Sunday in the Evening, when one has the trouble of meeting the Current of the City Gentry, going from the Park; he that complies not to the Practice of a Nation,, appears like one in a Sad-coloured Coat, bearing Arms amongst the Guard at Whitehall, he is stared at; and if observed by a Superior, will be Punished. Relating to a Man's Compliance, or Noncompliance, aught to be considered; whether what required be consonant to Juice, and Self-Preservation, argued Pro and Con, in reference to Spiritual, and Temporal Affairs, the last not contradicting the former's positive Commands. And sure I am, or must appear to be, by rational Men, much Wiser, or more Blockish, than the rest of the Nation, in a General Council consenting, if I oppose, or refuse Conformity to its Agreement. Parallel Examples ought to be searched for, and the method of Proceed, that have been commonly taken by others, approved by future Allowance to have been Just, and fitting to be done, ought to Guide, and mightily Sway me to concord to such approved Precedents; for if a Man disagrees out of a particular Opinion, or Interest, he, as far as in him lies, calls the discretion of a great many in Question, and battles a number with his opiniated Reason, from such Proceeding, one can expect no Benefit, or Reputation. No Advantage, because none will trust another (in any thing of Weight) that is of a contrary Persuasion; because 'tis reasonable to believe, that every Man is inclinable to act what suits best to his Fancy, and most conducting to bring to effect his desired Aim: So, instead of serving that Interest by which entrusted, to gratify his real Sentiments, he'll betray the secrets to him committed. What is i● Vogue carries a present Reputation, (than being a jacobite) must consequently cause an undervaluing, and so Signify Little, or Nothing. Allow Sentiments offered, right, or wrong, If judge and jury too, join with the Throng; In Contradiction to the present Thought, My sole Opinion signifieth nought. 'Tis▪ overruled, and I am surely cast, Which proves the fate of Separists at last; For to oppose tde Torrent of a Stream, Resist a greater Power, is like my Dream, Which fancies mighty Riches, mighty Power, But Poor and Weak, I meet the waking Hour; With a Probatim est some sadly tell, What once they were, to what they now are fell. Confining an Insolvent Debtor. A Grave Citizen, an Alderman's Fellow, by Losses and Crosses, and GOD knows what, was reduced to the necessity of leaving his House, and moving himself and Effects into the Sanctuary for Bankrupts, whitefriars; where, for a while he confined himself to his Chamber, and when he went out, the Company seasoned to the Place, who were no proud Men, but would quickly be acquainted without Ceremony, made him ashamed, and blush like a young Sinner, the Curtains undrawn▪ with care he soon cast up his Books; and substracting his Debtors from his Creditors, he found a greater Balance due than he was able to pay; but willing (as 'tis natural for all Creatures) to be at Liberty, he summoned his Creditors, and offered them ten Shillings for every Pound, reserving for himself but a small Pittance to subsist on, or lay a new Foundation for fresh Credit: But some (jews in Practice) refused a Compliance to any Abatement, and resolved to make Dice of his Bones: Their Cruelty grieved and afflicted him so much, that his Sorrow and Concern was apparent in his Face; and being asked the Reason, he told that his Creditors Noncompliance was the cause of it; upon which, a Doctor in the Civil Laws of the Place, took him to Task; told him his Security there; brought Examples and Precedents how Tom such an one, and Sir john such an one, had used their Creditors, and brought them to Compliance: Unmerciful Rogues! What? Refuse to take Ten Shillings in the Pound? If I might advise you, they should not have above half a Crown; I intent to give mine but Eighteen Pence; sure you are not such a Fool to part with all, and suffer yourself and Family to want: Such Company, such Examples, such Documents have washed away the honest first Intents of many a Man, but it could not float his; for he still designed, to his Power, to satisfy every Body; but unwilling to be Caged in a closer Prison, he there Lived; and spending upon the main Stock constantly, it wasted so fast, that at his next Proposal to his Creditors, he could offer but Fi●e Shillings, which was also rejected: And some time after not being watchful of his Ways, the Catchpoles seized him at the Suit of an old protesting Friend of his, a Neighbour, for whom he woutd sent, hoping Mercy from th●r former intimate Acqunintance; but the Officers telling him 'twould be to no purpose, since that Warrant which they named to him, was but one amongst Twenty they had against him; so after squeezing him out of Twenty Shillings for Dinner, Ale, and Brandy, they lodged him in the Compter; where his Fellow-Prisoners flocked about him, some pulling this way, some that, like Watermens at turn of Ebb at Billingsgate; all calling for Garnish, which clamorous demand never ceased till he had paid it The want of Liberty made him value it more than ever, and desiring next to Life his Liberty; he with Prayers entreated his Creditors to accept of all that he had, but they refused it, and would not believe that he gave a true or just account, though he offered to make Oath of it; so, by lying there, the poor Man for Necessaries consumed, what merciful men would have been contented with, when the Parliament, out of Consideration of the Misery that many (not able to pay their Debts) in Prison endured, ordered a Discharge upon such and such Conditions, under the which he was comprehended, and consequently discharged, without paying one Farthing; whereas, if the Creditors had formerly complied, they might have had half their Debts, and the Man his Liberty; so their consigning him proved their Detriment. And the like happen to others, when the Insolvent Die in Custody; for where 'tis not to be had, the King must lose his Right. OBSERVATION. SUCH have been the Fate of many Insolvent Debtors; and such have proved the Return to many uncharitable and cruel Creditors; and I believe all merciful Men will think the last deserved it: Expectation to recover Debts by consigning an insolvent Man, whereby he is debarred of opportunity to acquire wherewithal to pay his Debts, is an Egyptian Proposal, To make Brick without Straw, quod ultra posse, now est esse. 'Tis a very good Law in the Signiory of Biscay, that no Native Biscayner shall be Imprisoned for Debt above Forty Eight Hours; but the Creditor in that time shall have Judgement against whatsoever Effects shall be found to be his, or what afterwards he either by Labour, Art, or otherwise shall acquire, yet upon giving Security, not to departed the Signiory, he shall be discharged out of Custody, to get his Livelihood. I have heard that in Holland no Creditor shall keep in Prison an insolvent Debtor, unless he will maintain him there, with subsistence to preserve his Life: But here in England in this point, we outdo the Dutch in Cruelty, confining People to Starve, contrary to Humanity, Mercy, or Policy. One may as reasonably expect his Dog should catch an Hare, when chained to a Post, as a poor Debtor should in a Goal get wherewithal to pay his Debts. Ask ●ut the cruel Man, what he would ●a●e From h●● poor Debtor, to his will a Slave Confined in Prison, presently he'll say My Money, yet acts quite contrary way To gain his end; for, how can one expect, Where no Cause moves, there should be an Effect. What silly Farmer will confine his Cow From needful Herbage, for no hear der Low For Food; or in reason can he believe, By such Confinement, he shall Milk receive: As silly is the Hope, when you confine A Man Insolvent, for to raise the Coyn. Promise of Secrecy in a Conspiracy. THO' I could produce variety of Instances out of Ancient History suitable to this Subject, yet I have chose one which has come to the knowledge, and is still fresh in the Memory of almost every Englsh Man, to show the little Trust and Confidence that is to be given to the solemn Promises of Secrecy in a Conspiracy, or wicked Design. In the Year 169 several angry discontented Men clubbed to the hatching a Plot or Conspiracy for subverting the present Government; and for the more certainty of effecting it, designed, contrary to Honour, and common Humanity, to take off the present Head, that the Limbs might be in Confusion, wanting an immediate Director for their Motion, so in the hurly burly to have Proclaimed one, who unhappily has too much Proclaimed himself. There i● no need of mentioning their Design at large, or the Progress they had made, every Man knowing the drift of their Conspiracy, and the Conspirators; so I'll only take Notice, that after their Plot was laid, the Assassinators agreed on, and Secrecy sworn to, at the Sun-Tavern, and other Places, some of them (false, first to their Country, then to their Adherents) discovered the Conspiracy. I wish 'twere done out of a repentant Principle, and believing a Promise to do Evil ought not to be kept; but their covetous siliciting for Rewards induce me to believe, that the Principle of Self-interest was the chief Motive of their Discovery; but let it proceed from what cause soever, 'tis apparent, that the Obligations under which they were engaged, were not of Force to keep the Secret undiscovered, The like Discoveries have been made at Venice, at Rome, at Genova, and in almost all the the Kingdoms on the Earth; tho' the greatest Cautions and Securities that Self-preservation, or aspiring Ambition could invent, to tie up the conseiling Tongue, have been made use of; he that will be a Villain in attempting a great Evil, is not to be trusted; for 'tis probable he will be so in a lesser, especially if he expects to reap advantage by it. OBSERVATION. SELDOM any Resolution is so fixed, but that apparent benefit, as Self-preservation, or Riches, will alter it, especially when the Resolve is evil, for no Man, though never so much prompted by Ambition, Avarice, Lust or Revenge, but has a Monitor within, which Dictates to him, that his Resolve and Attempt is Evil in itself; and from what one's Reason informs to be bad, a Man is easily drawn from Effecting: So we find many Men who dare undaunted, look Death in the Face in a just Cause, will Recant and appear Cowards, when Ill is to be attempted, from whence has proceeded many Discoveries of Plots and Conspiracies, to the Secrecy of which, Men have Obliged themselves by all the Ties that are counted Sacred and Binding; such are to be counted Repentants, because they discover the Design out of an Odium to the Evil. But some, without Considering Good or Evil, in Relation to Futurity, discover the secret Conspiracies with them entrusted, not lor Conscience, but for Lucre sake, others when their first Heat is over, grow Pusilanimous, and confess to save their Lives; sometimes infinite Wisdom confounds their Councils and Devices, lead them into Errors and Mistakes, and by ways unimaginable, bring to Light the hidden things of Darkness. Whilst a protecting Providence do sway, Whilst Men Inspired dictates do obey, Whilst Life has Value, and Reward has Love, Protested Secrecy in Ill does prove Of small Validity; the first will act What's Consonant to justice of a Fact: The Second by Impulsive Power Command, What wo'ned Man do to keep his wasting Sand▪ And bountiful Reward makes Men betray Their dearest Kin, and Friendship wipes away▪ Subject to Power, and tempted by a Bait, Too pleasing to deny, of little weight Proves promised Privacy; then why should I Meddle in Plots, in Hopes of Secrecy? The Progress of an Enquirer after Places. THOUGH Disappointments are in some Degree or other, most commonly the Companions that attend and thwart the Hopes and Expectations of all Mankind; yet have I not observed more Disappointments generally to accompany any Attempt, than I have the Endeavours, and Designs, to get into Reputable Places and Employments, as by the Sequel will appear. An English Gentleman, who by Hospitality amongst his County Neighbours, had Spent the greatest part of his Estate; having very little, besides the Mansion Seat of his Family left, seeing himself Slighted by those very Men who had largely tasted of his Bounty, seriously began to Consider, how he should still Support himself in some Credible Reputation; and after he had run over several designing Thoughts, and Built Castles in the Air, he at last fixed upon the common Hopes of getting a Place, or Employ at London. To effect which, he presently Sold the remaining part of his Estate; and to London he came, to put in Practice the Scheme he had Drawn, for raising once again his Fortune. His first Application was, to be sure, to one of the worthy Burgesses that Served for a Neighbouring Corporation, who by the Charms of Bribery, and by Virtue of his strong Drink, had carried the Election Nemine Contradicente; him he acquainted with his Design, and desired his kind Assistance, who presently Promised Fair for Country sake, though he was an Irishman; upon his Promise, every Morning he danced Attendance, at the Levee of my Dear joy; and when he walked, he kept Cringing on his Larboard Quarter, not presuming to go Check by jowl with one of the Representatives of the Nation; who had the same Business during the whole Sessions of Parliament, that he had during the Termtime, two Motions a Day, to Westminster and back again; but finding his Waiting, and the other's Promises, would Signify the same thing, and the Senator being gone to Tanoridge, where the Proverb was on his side, he bethought himself what farther Methods were to be taken; and luckily finding upon a Coffee-house Table, a Paper Entitled, A Collection for Improvement of Husbandry and Trade, by John Houghton, F. R. S. Wherein he found, that he knew of several that wanted Men so or so Qualified or Recommended, and several that were so and so Qualified and Recommended, that wanted the Employments which others wanted to have Officiated. At first view he thought this Paper as a Pillow of Light to guide him in the Dark: But upon examining the Inquiries after Places and Employs, and those that wanted Agents, found they answered one another's Occasions, and that there was not one Agent enquired after, but there was the same Place sought for; so he despaired of Success from that, seeing every one's Occasion might be supplied. Though his Sleep, or rather Slumbers, was unquiet and short, occasioned by the concern that hagged his Thoughts about his future earthly well Being, yet his lying Awake was more tormenting to him, as much as Impending want had then a more lively Impression, than his drowsy Fancy could Represent; so trying, as if it were to avoid himself, he arose, slighting Beavish Formality, soon dressed himself, and went to Man's Coffee-house, where, though 'twas early in the Morning, he found Talkative Will, a tall elderly Man, with his own Hair, diverting the Company, sometimes in English, sometimes in French; in both Languages he told Stories as improbable to be true as all D. O's Narrative. He took upon him the Statesman, and told the Company he knew of Funds that would have raised Money enough to defray the Charge of the War, without being any pressure to the Subject: He blamed all that he was pleased to think Mismanagement in the Concerns of the Nation; and then gravely told them, how all might have been prevented, which every Blockhead can do, after the Act is past; and, for the future how he would have things managed; but Mercy upon us if Affairs were to be ordered by his Managery, (looking upon his own Conduct) it may reasonably be believed, they would have been Ten times worse directed. After he had Railed at several particular Persons, whose names he did not tell. (but described them plainer than I do him) He grumbled at the Bounty bestowed upon Favourites; but I suppose his Cousin Harry's Humour then possessed him, who always Rails when he is Poor; 〈…〉 a Bounty is in his Pocket, (which never wears it out) 〈…〉 as much for Praising, as when Penniless in Railing and Re●●cting. If Variety be pleasing, sure Mr William's Discourse wa● diverting; for he run over Stories (as much as the time would allow) of Men and Women, of all Qualities, all sorts of Countries, Governments, Languages, Horses, Dogs, Cocks, Wine, Snaff, etc. as positively as if he had been an Eye or Earwitness, had Travelled them all over, been a Privy-councillor in every one of them; a Professor of Languages, owned, or laid Wagers, Drank, ●asted, or Snuffed or every sort: But at last took opportunity, though no occasion offered) to tell how nigh he was Related to, and how he was beloved and respected by a Dutch English Nobleman; which at last startled my Inquirer from the Confusion the medley of his Discourse had put him into, and brought into his Thought, that this Gentleman's Interest might do him a Kindness. His approaching Necessity having made him confident beyond his natural Temper, he presently enquired the Gentleman's Name and Lodging, and that Day waited upon him, and in short desired his Favour towards helping him to an Employ sit for a Gentleman, and at the same time promised to be grateful; Mr. William, who never wants complimental Civility, told him, that he would assist him in what lay in his Power, and mentioned to him several Places that he might endeavour to get; but knowing none then Vacant, he desired he would meet him on the Morrow, when he would bring a Man (meaning his Cousin Harry) whom the Cobweb Laws cannot confine, though in close Confinement▪ who knew of Forty to be disposed of. The next Day, according to appointment, they all met, and Harry cajoled my ●●quirer, and fitted his Humour to a T—; indeed he must be o● a very stingy Temper whom he can't please, for he is really a very sensible Gentleman. My Inquirer's Desires were made known to him; and Harry (who never parts with a Man, but he leaves him a plausible prospect of effecting his Designs) laid down such Assurances upon Promises made in his Favour, that my Gentleman began to believe at such a Day he might enter into Pay or Salary; but before he parted, Harry had nicely examined, though at a distance, how his Stock was, either to Bribe or Purchase, and in a Day or Two was to give my Enquirer a positive Answer; but I had almost forgot to tell you, that just at parting, Harry bore up to him, and told him, that though he would serve a Gentleman gratis with his Labour, yet there would be Expenses; to defray which, he expected he should bring him Ten Guineas the next Morning. My Enquirer, buoyed up with hopes, came the next Morning with ready Rhino in his Pocket, had immediately Admittance into a Room spread with old Carpets, that the Man at the Three Roses had refused to Stitch Cards on. Presently honest Harry, who like the Hungry jew, watched the falling Manna, came in, and accosted him with, Sir, I've done your Business, for I was with my Lord last Night, and to serve you, spent my own Interest, so effectually, that I had his Promise on your Behalf: Upon these words the Manna dropped into his Hand, which Harry never kept till the following Day, for fear it should turn Sour: My Enquirer's moving Hand having reached Ten, at which number Harry's Alarm stood, it immediately rung a Peal in Division about Places, for half an Hour together, That he that wrote the present State of England in the Year, 1694, was a Blockhead compared to him; for he has not mentioned a quarter of the Places and Employs, that Harry named to my Enquirer, and gave him the choice of any of them: He that put an Advertisement for the Sale of Horses, can't in a Month's time name so many Horses to be sold, as he pretended to know Employs: My Enquirer, amongst the many Texts this Parson Quoted, pitched upon Two or Three which served to his liking; and when Mr. Harry had done talking, he told him, such or such would suit his Education, and agreed with his Humour. Oh, says Harry, those are not as yet Vacant, but they will be perhaps before the Parliament rises; for they are resolved to suffer very few Members of the House to be in Employs, wherein any Branch of the Revenue is to be managed; and since 'tis certain some will part with their Places rather than to be turned out of the House, your study must be, how to get into one of those they Abdicate; to effect which, you must try to engratiate yourself with a S— of S—, with Three of the L— of the T— at least: And the thoughtful Gentleman, who, by much Labour of his Brain, hammers out things in a great Perfection, to be known and well recommended to the P— C—; for some Employs must be granted in C—: Now, the fittest Man upon Earth to be your Solicitor there, is W. E. who, though he is Foundered in his Feet, has a natural Assurance to tell a Story plausibly to any Nobleman, though 'tis seldom minded; he is Old-Dog with the Ladies and Boys, and their constant Solicitor: Besides, he may be, from his own Interest, very serviceable to you; for I know, the other Day he helped a Footman to a Place, and took but Half a Crown for his Labour. 'Twill also be requisite for you to learn Decimals and Gauging, and make Application to the C— of E—; Or to the L— of the A—. Or to the C— of the C— But you must not neglect making Application to several particular Persons, who always seem in an hurry, as if they had the whole concerns of the Nation to manage: Amongst which, there is honest Tony, who seldom gives the C— of P—, and E—, much trouble to draw up a Report; A. R. is not duly Elected. I must beg Pardon, when I say, 'tis hard that so understanding a Gentleman; one that knows how to take all Advantages, should not be in the House, no Man being sitter to caution against Deceits, than the— He has been serviceable to the Nation by the project of packing of Hay; by the manage of which, Horses Eat less than usual, and their Beliys were taken up, without Belly-cloaths, the smell did their Business, yet Tony had but 3l. a Load, for what cost him 25s. His Principles may be guessed by his Practice; and he has declared his Sentiments, how People that would thrive, should manage themselves; and designs (if he may be believed) to instill the same Principle● into his Children; for he told an honest Gentleman, that if he had a Son, he would advise him to flatter and dissemble with all Mankind; never to speak Truth but when it was for his Advantage: With this worthy Gent. 'twill be necessary to be acquainted, if you have Money to purchase an Employ under the M— of the H—; for every one of them that were in his reach, he has either sold, or been a Broker in the matter: You need make no Interest to him by Intercession of Friends; for he has no respect to Persons, Principles, or Qualities; but like a late deceased Knight, whose Wit (by mistake so called) lay in bold Examinations of Scripture passages; buffonly rediculing what was beyond his shallow Capacity to understand) has regard only to the Money, let it come from Williamite, jacobite, or Devil: Besides him, there's another you should be acquainted with, that is a blinking Fellow, a mere pretender to the Law, who could scarce Read (allowing Breviations) at the Exchequer Bar: He, by his Pretensions, one would think had the disposal of 40 considerable Places; indeed he has most of the Gentry at his beck, though 'tis a shame to see how poor spirited some of them are, to cringe and creep to him, whom most honest Men avoid; though there's a broad mixture in this Man of Knave and Fool, yet he so manages by Tricks and Lies a certain Person in whose Power 'tis to make you one extraordinary; that a Trial ought to be made of his Interest: And sure, by some of these, with my Assistance, (which you shall never want, a Man of your Birth, Education, and Ingenuity) can't miss of some Employ or other. Now, Sir, I've told you what's to be done, use your endeavour; and when you have fixed upon your particular, come again to me, and I (as Mr. Houghton says) can help. My Enquirer, with his Head full of this Council, taketh leave, resolving to meditate on it, and put it in Practice; but going down Stairs, he saw a written Paper which Harry's Servant had dropped; and being curious, took it up and put it in his Pocket to Read at Leisure; the first opportunity he had he opened the Paper, and found as follows: Answers, Excuses, and Observations, to be got by heart, and used, as occasion offers, by my Servant Robin. If a Man 〈◊〉 hard early in a Morning, with a Cane in his Hand, believe him a Creditor, and the first tim● answer him, that I am not well, and you dare not Disturb me; to Countenance which, be sure two or three days in a Month, tie a Rag upon the Knocker of the Door. The Second time, I was sent for about earnest Business, to any busy Nobleman you first think of. Afterwards say for me, as you would have others say for you to whom you Own Money; but be sure you ●be not catched in a Lie, for People are too apt to believe that Courtier's Servants Lie; tho' they speak Truth, if their Desi●es be'nt Complied with. If it be one that wears a Sword, 'tis Ten to One but 'tis either some body I am in Combination withal to Cheat another, or that he himself is to be Cheated, him presently admit, for from such, Corn comes to the Mill. If it be one whose Company I have shunned, ●●nd him to some Tavern or Coffee-house out of the Verge of the Court, where to be sure I never go but on a Sunday. Some part of the Paper had been torn off, but one may be certain, he had learned the whole Lesson by the variety of sham's and Excuses he had constantly ready. Bless me, how was my Inquirer Surprised at the Reading it! and began to conceive that he was fallen into the Hands of a Tongue-Padding, Cheating Courtier; but finding his Counsel in some measure ought to be followed, he was resolved to make Applications as he was directed. In a short time by Friends or Money, he was little or much Recommended to almost ●ll Fortune's Darlings, that had the Disposal of any Employs; one or other of them he was almost continually waiting on with the Recommendation of my Lord such an one, Sir such an one; or honest Mr. such an one; and every one to whom he was Recommended, like true Courtiers, spoke him fair: One promised the next thing that fell; another promised to take Care of him; a Third, out of Kindness, would have him Qualify himself, that upon any Opportunity he might jump in: A Fourth took Money in part; and a ●ifth invited him to Dinner, which Gentleman it must be said of him, did him more Kindness than all the rest; for after he had waitt●d half a Year, he found their promises to be only Air; for when the first had power by a Vacancy, to be sure he said, He was preingaged. The Second care was to avoid him. The Third Gentleman would not give him Opportunity to Jump, continually Selling Reversions. The Fourth did his Business but in part, for he could never get all his Money again. Thus Shuffled off from one to another, by fair Words and Promises, he spent a great deal of time, and all his Money to no purpose; meeting with so many Disappointments, and really wanting Necessaries, and reflecting on the Usage he had met withal, and dreading the Poverty he saw approaching, he had fallen into Dispair, but that he had still the Happiness to carry in his Mind, the Thoughts of Futurity, from which he resolved as much as possible to be Content; and to strengthen him in his acqiescing, and Resignation to a Supreme Will, he often went to Church; but one day going into St. Martin's, though early, the Surly Clerk refused him admittance into a Pew, which so mightily concerned him, that he went to his Lodging, and whilst the Thought continued, he Wrote the following Verse▪ To what Extremities am I dr●ven, When Parish-Clarks bar my Converse with Heaven, As much as in the surly Rascals lie; Who by the Face, the Pocket do descry, And Sine Pence, admittance they deny! These under Graduate Peter of the Church, Would S●ll to Simon the Heavenly G●●, If to their Avarice and Humour lest; Perhaps▪ the M●r did my Misfortunes know; Afraid to Trust me, who●●●●uch did One. Denied admittance, ●●st 〈◊〉, that I s●●●ld pray Blessings, f●r w●●●h they th●●g●t P●n●ver P●y▪ Having long Racked his Brain●, and Spent his Money and Time in Vain, his peery Landlord by a Writ, secured him a safe place in the Marshalsea durante Vita, unless a Compassionate Parliament release him by an Act of Grace. Fed up with Hope by such, his Money's spent, But has no greater Prospect, than is L●nt To needy Noblemen, 〈◊〉 its return, Who seldom Pay a Debt, but to the Vrn. Place-Brokers to Enquirers still speak Fa●, Blow up a Bubble Globe, which 〈◊〉 to 〈◊〉 Like Lottery Projectors ●raw a Scheme, H●w Thousands may be got, If, if they Draw the Lot, But Hit, or Miss, there●s P●ofi● s●●ll to them▪ FINIS.