THE Rambling Rakes: OR, London Libertines.  
By the Author of The STEP to the BATH.  
London Printed and Sold by I. How, in the Ramhead Inn-Yard, in Fanchurch-street, 1700.   

Books Printed and Sold by J. How, in the Ram-Head-Inn-Yard in Fenchurch-Street; and by M. Fabian, at Mercers-Chappel.  

1. SOt's Paradise: Of the Humours of a Derby-Ale-House: With a satire upon the Ale. Price Six Pence.  
2. A Trip to jamaica: With a True Character of the People and Island. Price-Six Pence.  
3. Ecclesia & Factio. A Dialogue between Bow-Steeple-Dragon, and the Exchange-Grashoper. Price-Six pence.  
4. The Poet's Ramble after Riches. With Reflections upon a Country Corporation. Also the Author's Lamentation in the time of Adversity. Price Six pence.  
5. A Trip to New-England. With a Character of the Country and People, both English and Indians. Price Six pence.  
6. Modern Religion, & Ancient Loyalty: A Dialogue. Price Six Pence.  
7. The World Bewitched. A Dialogue between two Astrologers and the Author. With Infallible Predictions of what will happen from the Vices and Villainies Practised in Court, City, and Country. Price Six pence.  
8. A Walk to Islington: With a Description of New Tunbridge-Wells, and Sadler's Music-house. Price Six pence.  
9 The Humours of a Coffeehouse: A Comedy. Price Six Pence.  
10. A Frolic to Horn-Fair. With a Walk from Cuckold's-Point through Deptford and Greenwich. Price Six pence.  
11. The Dancing-School. With the Adventures of the Easter-Holy-Days. Price Six pence.  
12. The First Volume of the LONDON-SPY: In Twelve Parts.  
13. The Second Volume of the LONDON-SPY: In Six Parts. Price Six Pence each; or they may be had both Volumes Bound together; and also Bound with the rest of the Authors Writings.  
14. The Metamorphosed Beau, etc. Price Six pence.  
15. The English Nun: Or, a Comical Description of a Nunnery. With the Lives and Intrigues of the Priests and Nuns Price Six Pence.  
16. Laugh and be Fat: Or, an Antidote against Melancholy. Containing great variety of Comical Intrigues in Town and Country. To which is added Nine Delightful Tales. Price One Shilling.  
17. A Step to the Bath: With a Character of the Place. Price Six Pence.  
18. Labour in Vain: Or, what Signifies Little or Nothing, viz. I. The Poor Man's Petition at Court. II. Expectation of Benefit from a Covetous Man in his Life-time. III. The Marriage of an Old Man to a Young Woman. IV. Endeavours to Regulate men's Manners by Preaching or Writing. V Being a jacobite. VI Confining an Insolvent Debtor. VII. Promise of Secrecy in a Conspiracy. VIII. An Enquiry after a Place.  
19 The Reformer. Exposing the Vices of the Age: In several Characters. viz. 1. The Vicious Courtier. 2. The Debauched Parson. 3. The Factious Hypocrite. 4. The Precise Quaker. 5. The Covetous Miser. 6. The Prodigal Son. 7. The City Letcher. 8. The Insatiate Wife. 9 The Amorous Maid. 10. The Beau Apprentice. 11. The City Mob. 12. The Country Squire.    

THE Rambling Rakes, etc.  
BEING something Indisposed by a late Debauch, which confined me to my Bed some hours extraordinary; during of which, I was as Squeamish as a New Married Woman, and lapped more Mutton-Broth, than a Country-Dame in the Straw does Oatmeal-Caudle: About Three in the Afternoon I was sent for by a Friend, who had been doing the same Penance, to Vulcan's Coffeehouse in Stocks Market, once Famed for the Athenian Conclave, but now for the Grave Cabal of Colleterian Factors, and Renowned Herbwomen; where we heard several pleasant Tongue-Combats.  
The first was between two Feminine Pull-Guts, concerning Priority; for the Grey Mare was now the better Horse, notwithstanding her Husband had formerly been a Domestic to the others. They had both been taking a Cup of the Creature, and being at the Head of the Fountain, was the bolder with the Liquor; but the noble Juice of the Grape so Exhillerated their Tenpenny Craniums, that their Noisy Nonsense far exceeded the Cataracts of Nile; and with eagerness of Loquacity foamed at the Mouth like a Dray-Horse. No sooner was this Fray ended, but C— the Circuli Tap-Lash, fell a Railing at the Parvous Fishmonger, for reporting he had made an Inspection into his Daughter's Quarters, of which he gave a very nice Description; and Demonstrated the Signs of a Mole to a Miracle. For which Stripp-Eel was Arrested, but proved it to be matter of Fact, before the Gigantic Figures at Guild-Hall; whereupon poor Miss' Nunquam Satis became the subject of the Neighbourhoods Discourse.  
But the dull Mahometan Infusion not agreeing with our Maukish Palates, we deposited our Pence, and crossed to the East-side of the Market, to the Remains of a Tragematopola, or, to speak more properly, the Inconditus Grocer, Retailer of Nants, and an Uncouth, Sempstress, next door to the Sign of Aquila, to try the effects of a Golden Cordial; where we found our Formal Hostess extraordinary Studious in consulting Aristotle's Masterpiece for the choice of a good Penis: She hath more Stitched Volumes in her Library, than e'er her Mother had Cherry-Sieves in her Stall. She's Mammas own Babe, an Eternal Tatler, and very Precise in her Discourse; makes a pretty diminutive Figure in her Sundays Attire, which consists of at least Thirty Remnants, and hath more variety of Colours than the Rainbow. 'Tis to be supposed she was Begot in the Dogg-Days, and that her Mother Engendered before she had cleansed her Hands from the Scorbutic Filth of Green Walnuts; for she hath such a swarthy Tincture, that she hath often been tendered the Paw, and taken for a Gipsy. Her Education is chief owing to her Mother's late Seminary, which was Billingsgate, and are both well versed in its Lingua.  
From thence we adjourned to the Sacerdotal-Cap, fronting Marble Majesty, with the Head of Rebellion under the Heels of his Prancer, where good Wine is no Novelty, which proved the best Cordial, revived the puking Spirits and inspired us with fresh Vigour. To spend the Remaining part of the Evening, we agreed to go see a Play, and ordered Trip-stairs to see what was Acted. Gentlemen, said he, That requires at least an Hours time; for there is lately Published an Edict, that no Play-Bills shall be stuck up in the City Liberties, by reason they often tended to the Corruption of Youth. Bless me! Cried my Friend, I am surprised to hear that any should Abdicate Play-Bills, from the City-Gates, yet suffer the Church-doors to be Plastered over with Pocky ones, and their Walls Adorned with Piss-tubs. I am apt to believe, said I, 'tis rather in Opposition to the Corruption of their Wives, and if possible to cut off their Communication with Quality, with whom they are generally Affected; and the tempting Loll in a Coach and Six, hath proved more prevalent than the Holy Cross: And 'tis a strong Argument, that too many have more Respect for a Pissing-Corner, than the Gates of the Sacred Temple.  
Discoursing of which, occasioned us to call for the other Quart, so that we outstayed our Time; and being too late for a Play, strouled to the Lunatics Mansion in morefield's (a Place famous for Assignations) to pick up a Confiding Female; but meeting with a Disappointment, we returned to the Stock-market, where was variety of Company, devouring the product of Dame Nature's Liberality. At one stall was a young Beau Clerk, wrapped in a Scotch-pledd, with a Pen stuck as stiff in his Hair as a Skure in the Flap of a Shoulder of Mutton, Treating his Master's Chambermaid with Strawberries, but as watchful as Argos; and his Head as full of Motion as a Weavers-Shuttle, in watching his Master's Door, and Admiring Mrs. B— s Fiz, which plainly discovered she bore no Antipathy against Chalk and Oatmeal. Hard by him was another of his Brothers of the Desk, and the round Shouldered Son of a Potter, Eating of Cherry's for the Plate, attended by more Spectators than the late Monstrous Fish at Blackwall. At another Stall was a leash of Virgins, the Daughters of a Horse-faced Midwife, near that remarkable piece of Antiquity known by the Name of London-stone, darting their Amorous Glances, to as little purpose as Washing an AEthiopian, and had no more influence, than a Poor-mans' Petition on a Courtier; they are of a Masculine Hue, full Aged, and constant Lecturers, but as little esteemed as Malt-Tickets; Their Father, without doubt was a Hero, and had as bold an Appetite as he that first encountered an Oyster; The Mother outrivalled the late Hermaphrodite in morefield's for Features. At the Corner Stall was a young Upstart Money Merchant, buying Apricocks by the Dozen, with an Old Porter at his Heells bore Headed; at which my Friend was mightily concerned, to see one of Fortune's Fools, so idolised by Age, and reverend Gray-hairs; but another. Gentleman taking Notice of it, swore he had a mind to break his Head for having no more respect for his Father's Profession. With that I asked him if he had any Acquaintance with him. He told me Yes, that his Father was a Porter, and Drummer to one of the Companies of the City-Trainbands, and 'tis supposed he was taken on Charity by his first Master; but he Dying, was shuffled about for some time, till at length the Sheering of the Golden Fleece, and the Clusters of the Vine, have so Evapulated this proud Coxcomb, that his Dexterity in Cleaning of Shoes, the dandling of his Master's Housekeeper, and his Honourable Title of Piping-Sam, is now Blotted from his Memory: Set a Beggar on Horseback, he'll ride to the Devil; At the same Stall was Old Split-Fig, an Adjacent Grocer, and the uneven-leged Hosier, almost his Neighbour, joining their Forces, for three Farthings worth of Currants; and stood as hard for two or three Bunches over-Measure, as a Tailor for a piece of Carrot to a Twopenny Cut of Boild-Beef: The first is more Noted for a Miser, than the other is Admired by the Exchange Girls. He often trots to the Burrough-Market to save a penny in a Joint; and would sooner part with an Eye, than give a halfpenny to a poor Basket-woman. By the Antiquity of his Attire, he resembles a Spaniard; and preserves his Wardrobe for succeeding Generations. He is as great a stranger to the Tailors, as to common-civility. Not long since some unlucky Spark took the pains to send him the Epigram, on Diogenes' salutation to the Rich Croesus in Hell; which for the Morality sake, I think not amiss to insert here. 
When the Tubbed Cynic went to Hell, and there  
Found the pale Ghost of Golden Croesus' bare;  
He stops, and jeering till he shrugs again,  
Says, O thou Richest King of Kings! What gain  
Have all thy Large heaps brought thee, since I spy  
Thee here alone, and poorer now than I?  
For all I had, I with me bring; but thou,  
Of all thy Wealth, hast not one Farthing now.   
But the greatest of our Diversion consisted in hearing of an old Basketerian, banter a young Eloquent Norwegian-Factor, whose time is but lately Expired; and is now Master of a little dark Cave, (but of less Sense) in a Noble-street, from the Corner of which you have a fair Prospect of the Orphans-Conduit. He is of the same Opinion of the late Sir john P— that every Generation grows Wiser than the former; so by Consequence his Talent must be very large. The Vulgar hath Corrected his Name by Adoption, to one more suitable to his Natural Parts, and Re-baptised him Ben. He's a Complete Beau, bait but the two most Essential Parts of the Animal, that's his Head and his Heels. But Notwithstanding his great Perfections, he has verified the Old Proverb, Fools have Fortune: But the Old Harradan being a little too Extravagant with her Clapper, was rebuked by his Neighbour the Friendly Tallow-Chandler: But the Old Woman gave very little Attention to his Reproof, and told him, Tho' he pretended mightily to the Spirit, 'twas well known he was Fleshly given; and his deeds was Dark, tho' by vocation he was an Author of Light, and a Confounder of Cotton.  
The Wine, Walk, and Fruit, Creating us an Appetite; we quitted the Market, and hasted to the Sign of the Infallible-head, in an Alley that bears the same Title, as Noted now for Nice-Peck, as 'twas formerly for an Amorous Bar-keeper: Having Anatomised the Carcase of a cold Fowl, and wringed a Lemon as hard as David jones once did the Bankers Consciences; We took leave of his Holiness, and went over to the obliging Relict of the late Alphabetical Cutler, who was Drinking of Burgundy Bumpers, with two or three Brawny Officers, to the commemoration of his deceased Honour. Having bartered for some of her Commodity, we departed, but not without Tasting their Wine, and Saluting her Lips, which were as Clammy as Treacle, and as Red as her Neighbour, the Apocryphal Tonsor's Nose, which is Scarlet in Grain; and of such a Spongy Nature, that it hath soaked up more Claret than will float the Royal Sovereign.  
Standing at the Alleys End some short time, considering how to steer our Course; and likewise viewing the noble Front of the Universal Correspondent Fabric; Lolling on each other in as lazy a posture, as a Walbrook Furrier in july, or a Pater-noster-Row Mercer in December: In the Int'rim of which, outbolts a brace of Ladies, from the aforesaid Mansion, whose Airy Deportments, slow Motions, and Amorous Looks, gave us an Invitation to follow the tract; which as soon as they perceived, they put the black Pall o'er their Fizes; and could no more forbear looking back than Lott's Wife, but gave as many backward Ogles, as the Hackney-Boarders in their Sundays progress, at the City Beau's: And fauntring after them as a Boy to School, till we had almost reached the Waterside, as we were just about to give them a Broadside, and make our Addresses, as ill luck would have it, who should we meet but both our Dads, who were going to refresh their jolly Old Hearts at Heroic Guy's, near the Royal Edifice of Renowned Gresham; the Old Gentlemen would have persuaded us to go with them, for which we begged their Pardon, pleading Extraordinary haste for the payment of some Bills that Night. Whereupon they released us, Commending our Diligence, which I believe they would hardly have done, had they known our design on the Ladies, whom we resolved should be the Receivers.  
By this unexpected Accident we lost the sight of our Does; but Conjecturing they were going either to Lambeth-Wells, or Cupid's-Garden, we hasted to the Old-Swan, presently took a pair of Oars, and by the laborious Tuggs of our Element Splitters, was soon conveyed to the Southern-Shore, near the Ancient Palace of England's head Prelate; and ferreting about to recover our Loss, till we came to Lambeth-Wells, where I observed an Old Fornicator a Mutton-hunting, who by his sanctified Look, and Formal Carriage, one would have thought could have bid defiance to any Temptation of a Female Devil, & resisted the Lust of his own Flesh. My Friend happening to know him, told me he was a Maggot-Monger by vocation, lived in Leaden-Hall-street, was formerly Excommunicated from the Church, and not long since narrowly escaped it from the Assembly of the Faithful in Lime-street, and all for the tickling Sin of Whoring; but on his Public acknowledging his Crime, with a promise for a thorough Reformation for the Future, he was confirmed in the Congregation; but he still retains his Integrity to Wenching; and so predominant is his Flesh, that a Bull from his Holiness would no more be regarded, than the Reproof of the Elders.  
In the same Walk was the Widow of a late Grocer, but now the Wife of a Draper, rigged as fine as a Duchess, with a Livery at her heels. Her Natural Complexion is as swarthy as a Bantainer, but plastered over by Art as thick as the lid of a Goose-pie. She had a Crozier of Diamonds at her Ace— as big as a Frying Pan; but the adjacent part has proved very unfruitful, having never Received the Blessing of the first Command; and of all the Commandments, she regards the seventh the least. Under the Notion of Drinking the Waters, she carries on her Intrigues. She often boasts of being a Lady in few years; and will bring the morefield's Stargazer to avouch it.  
Among the Dancing-Crew was several whose Tails were far lighter than their Heels; and the motion of their Buttocks so melted their Grease, that they out-sweated a Stoker to a Glass-house in june, or a Pie-corner Cook during Bartholomew-Fair. The wipe with their Handcherchiefs, had so intermixed the White and the Red, that their Faces looked as Streaky as Marble-Paper. The Grains of their Skins by the Heat of their Body, and the Essence of Toes and Armpits, made such a Fumigation, that had not my Friend had a Bottle of Spirit of Hartshorn, we had certainly fainted. There was one Lady of Pleasure, to whom Nature had been very liberal with her Endowments, as she was dancing a Jig (which she performed extraordinary well) pulling out her Handkerchief to wipe her face, out drops a large piece of Green-Cloth, and as much Orice-root as would supply an Hospital for a Month, which dashed her so much out of Countenance, that she departed, without making her Honours, so by consequence spoiled her Market for that Evening. She is a true resemblance of Pandora's Box; for she hath been in Kent-street-Lock more times than double the number of her hands and feet. The bulky mein Usher, with a white Wand in his hand, for the generality leads the Dance; he steps as fine as a Mill-horse, has the Air of a Cow, and makes more Noise than a Captain of the Mob on the fifth of November.  
Seeing not our Ladies, we thought it lost time to stay any longer there, but hasted to Cupids-Garden, with as dejected a Countenance, as the Commissioners of the Land Bank on the News of Dr. Chamberlains trip to Holland; and as big with expectation of finding them there, as his poor deluded Subscribers were of annual Estates; but notwithstanding we were so vigilant that no mask of Petticoat ' scaped us, we were baffled in our hopes, & our search had the same Effect as Penelope's Labour, therefore we resolved to strive no longer against the stream, but submit to what kind Chance should offer; waiting for which, and walking about for an Opportunity, we took Notice of a Goggle-eyed Jew, of the Tribe of Mordecai, whose Habitation is not far from the Synagogue, and he particularised by his black flews, Moross Speech, and Upright Gate, he muttered love to his Mistress, faster than their Orator pronounceth the Hebrew Law on their Sabbath, on which day, he carries no Pecunia in his Breeches, but will Whore, go to a Play, or Tavern, in the Evening, taking with him a Friend of a contrary Faith to disburse the Rino. He seemed to be far more vigorous than a Stone-horse, and was so confounded Amorous, that we thought he would have covered her in our Sight. She's the Uxorrous Dame of one of his Dependants, and as Notified for an Intreaguer at Cupids, as her Husband▪ for one of Othello's Monsters; she Patches to admiration, and Dresses with such a profound Air, that she's envied by all her Neighbours of her own Sex near Cree-Church, and as much admired by the contrary.  
The next discovery we made, was an Intrigue between a Shopkeepers Beau-Apprentice, on the Royal-Exchange, and the Wife of his Master's Bosom; the Spark has a better Knack in pleasing the Ladies, than his Master, tho' he has been much admired by the Female Sex, but is so damnable Effeminate, that he has been Ridiculed by the whole Town, and Censured hard for his Non-performance; he is far Nicer than Sir Courtly in his Apparel, and more troublesome to his Tonsor than the Scrubbado to a Sempstress; and Garters so very Neat, that he often takes down his Glass in the Shop to admire his Legs; he declares he could wish 'twould become a Fashion for the Men as well as the Women to carry Umbrella's to Shelter them from the Wether; and uses more Variety of Washeses, than the once renowned Bawd Madam Creswel. The Spark without doubt had made good use of his time; and notwithstanding his Familiarity with his Mistress, he commiserated his Master's Confinement during their Absence by hasting home to shut up Shop. But finding none among all those numerous Intreaguers that resort there, tempting enough to break a Commandment with, or run the Risque of a Flap-Dragon; After we had drank a Bottle or two of Red-streak, we departed; resolving to go thorow-stitch in our pursuit, we boarded the Folly, a Place as worthy of its Name, as a Thief of a Halter.  
Having entered the floating Seraglio, we were presently showed into Number Three; and before we were well seated, came to us a Brace of Harlots, as lewd as Sodomites, and as impudent as the Devil, and gave us an invitation to Dance: The Countenance of the Whores, was an Antidote against Carnality to us; not but we were willing to be Lewd, tho' not with such Common-Strumpets: However we bestowed on them three or four Betys' of pricked Wine, the best the place afforded, which made their heads as light as their Tails, than dismissed them to seek for fresh Company; and presently the Noisy Instruments played, which was far more hideous than the ruff Music at Ludgate, on the Conjunction of a Prisoner and his Wife, if possible; and up starts a whole Covey of Whores, with their Cully Part'ners, placing themselves to Dance, with as much Decorum as the Cripplegate Pioners on my Lord Mayors-day; nay, I am confident there is hardly a Bawdy-House within the limits of the Bill of Mortality, but one of their Proselytes was there; they will make as punctual a Bargain before they'll go with you, as a Butcher in Smithfield-Market for cattle; but one of the Company, happening to spy out a Poulterian Jannisary among the Crowed, discovered him to the Mob, who was so enraged at the Catchpole, that had he not made his Escape into a Boat, out of one of the Windows, they had soon sent him to another Element, which is a far kinder fate than he Deserves, whose Actions are as Dark as his Name; for there's nothing that is Mercenary and Base, but is as Natural to him, as Milk to a Calf.  
Among this Chaos of Sexes, was a person of a Venerable Age, his clothes miserably tattered, and his Face as Pale and Wan, as if he had newly risen from the Dead, notwithstanding which, he still retained the Air and Appearance of one that seemed to Command much Honour and Respect; and showing him to my Friend he knew him, and told me he is no more like the Man he was three years ago, than an Apple is like an Oyster; he was then, said he, counted a Topping Merchant, and as noted a Capon-Eater, as belonged to Haberdashers-Hall; but by Misfortunes Abroad, his Lustful Inclinations, and shaking his Elbows, hath reduced him to what you see; his being here now I presume is on no other Account, then to satisfy his Lechery. And no sooner had he spoke the word, but the old Fornicator had got him a Drab, and moved off seemingly as well pleased, as if he had been repossessed of his former Fortunes. In the next Box to us was three Jilts, who had Drank pretty plentifully, not doubting but to light on some Cully to discharge their Reckoning, but being deceived in their Expectation, and having no more Money than Honesty, they were obliged to leave a Pledge for it, so one left her Scarf, another her Hood, the third her Gloves, and took up threepences in Money, for a Waterman to set them on Salisbury-Court Shore.  
Being now near Ten, we came from the Folly, and took Boat for the Temple, and went to the Devil to Enjoy ourselves with a Glass of good Wine, after our successless Ramble; and the Streets being Dry, and the Night light, we had a mind to Foot it home; not in Consideration of saving Coach hire, but for the sake of Diversion, we imagined we should have; but in Fleetstreet overtaking an Ordinary Man, handing a young airy Lady, who made a very good Figure, we pretended some Acquaintance with her, and must needs take her from her Husband (as we afterwards found him to be) and Endeavoured to force her into a Tavern being something Elevated, and enamoured with her Person; but she crying out for Help and he getting timely assistance, she was soon Rescued, and we seized, notwithstanding we lugged out our Steel, and Wounded two or three; but the powerful strokes of pairing Shovels, soon o'er-mastered our Swords, and the Constable took Care for a New Lodging for us that Night in the Counter; which Occasioned us to take Coach, which if we had done so at first, 'tis possible we had lain at our Old one, But, 
Night, Wine, and Love, no Moderation bear;  
Night knows no Shame, or Love and Wine no Fear.   
As soon as the Key was turned, the whole Family of the Rat-Castle, stocked about us as thick as the Mob about an ensnared Diver for Pence at the Post-office, demanding Garnish, which we presently paid, lest we should be dismantled of our Rigging; And being willing to be rid of our Company, we desired a Bed; upon which we were conducted to a very indifferent one, for I dare be sworn the Sheets had performed several Voyages to the Indies under another Office, before they were converted to that use; and for the Bed, I am Confident it had more Vermin than Flocks: But being full fraught with Wine and Vexation, at that Night's Adventure, we dozed away the time till Morning appeared. Then Consulting how to Manage this Misfortune, that it might not be blazed Abroad, or reach the Ears of our Friends; and calling to mind a Splitter of Causes, who was a particular Friend of ours, we sent for him, and gave him an impartial Account of the Occasion of our Confinement; whereupon he advised us to Endeavour, if possible, to prevent going before a Justice, and to make it up on any Terms; demonstrating the Letter of the Law against any such rash Attempts. We Acquiesced in his Arguments, and were sensible of our Fault (but too late) and desired him to stay, till they and the Constable came; but he told us that a Sister of his that lived near the Monument, sent to speak with him just before our Messenger came, on some Urgent Business, but would be back in an hour; and if they came in the mean time, to desire them to stay till his return; but before that time was half expired, comes the King of the Night, with his short Painted Truncheon of Authority, and two or three of his decrepit Door-thumpers, and called for his Prisoners, telling us that both our Friend and Adversary, was at the Rose-Tavern at the Alley's-end, before whom we must make our Personal Appearance; this seemed strange to us, but however it was no Unwelcome News, by reason our Friend was there, but gave us hopes it might be Accommodated, and we not Exposed before a Magistrate; then paying our Fees, we quitted our new Lodging with as joyful a Heart, as ever poor Wench that is past her Teens went to be Married.  
Being come to the Tavern, our Friend smiled, telling us he was sent for by our Adversary, who was his Brother and Sister, to assist in the Prosecution of us; but we being his Friends, he had prevailed with them to put it up. At which we begged both their Pardons, pleading abundance of Contrition for the Abuse; and the Wounds we gave in the Scuffle being but slight, we promised to pay the Cure, and a Gratuity for their Civility; and giving Mr. Constable and his Assistant a Reward for their Trouble, we were as good Friends as good Company and good Wine could make us: And after about an Hour or two's Enjoyment, we discharged the Reckoning, which mounted to about a Guinea, besides the other Expenses, than took our leave and departed.  
My Friend and I Agreed to meet the next Morning at the Flanderkin Sutler's, who was so Ambitious of being a Vint'ner, that he gave 900 Yellow-Boys, for the influence of a Star near the Royal-Exchange; but some Old Sophisters, who pretend to have mighty judgement in Astrology, prognosticate, that unless the Juice of the Grape be something extraordinary, he will quickly repent his purchase, and the Star be buried in a Cloud. But meeting according to Appointment, I perceived my Friend to be very uneasy and melancholy, ask him the Reason, he answered me, that one Misfortune seldom came alone, but was generally backed by another; and since we were no strangers to one another's. Intrigues, he would give me an Account what has happened since we parted.  
My Master, you know, has three Daughters, who are Youthful and tolerable Handsome, and no small Fortunes; I being full Fraught with Vigour, and not able to resist such tempting Fruit, made Love to each of them, unknown to the other, pretending a great deal of Passion; and so managed it, that there was no Suspicion or Jealousy in the least between them; and to obtain my Desires, I promised them all Marriage, at which the poor deluded Fools, soon granted my Request: Since which, by my industrious Labour, they are all pregnant, and press me mightily for Marriage, which now is as far from my Thoughts, as they are Stolen in my Embraces; therefore I still put them off by some plausible Excuse, and deferred it from time to time. But being pleased at Yesterday success, after the Night's Misfortune; and also being mighty full of Love, as I was going up to my Chamber I met one of my Loves on the Stairs, then taking her by the Hand, I led her into my Apartment; where she was mighty Solicitous for me to fulfil my Promise, and I as Eager to renew our Joys.  
Having fastened the Door, she gave me the Trouble to use a little force, at which starts from behind the Curtain the Eldest Sister, which balked my Design, and cooled my Courage. She overheard our discourse, and was a Witness of our Procedure; fell into a violent Passion, Taxing me with Unkindness, Perjury and Fashood to her, who had been so liberal of her Favours, and loved me beyond Expression. Then Upbraiding her Sister, who was so supris'd, that she sunk Breathless into my Arms; and being willing to be Eased of my burden, I laid her on the Bed, and began to plead for myself to the enraged Charmer: But, Alas! all that I could say rather Augmented her Fury, and had the same Operation as Oil, to extinguish Fire. False, Ingrate, and Perjured Deluder, cried she, is it thus you reward me for all my Kindnesses, Extended to thee? And is this the Effect of your mighty Passion, which so often you have invoked the Sacred Deities to Witness? Are all the Solemn Oaths and Protestations, which so often you have sworn on your Knees, now Cancelled, and so soon forgot? Thou who art the Author of my lost Honour, and increasing Shame, art thou now pall'd by Enjoyment? And could you not content you self with being false to me, but also, must deceive my Sister, and ruin both our Fortunes? Indeed 'tis no more than what I have of late suspected, but now find too Evident; And had not kind Chance, in your Absence, directed me to your Chamber, to seek for something to divert myself, I had still remained Ignorant of your Falsehood.  
No sooner had she pronounced these words, but the intranc'd Partner of her Woe, recovered her deprived Senses. At the same Instant one knocked at the Door, which gave me hopes of relief; whereupon I presently opened it, wishing I might be sent for out; for I was in a damned Fatigue, at the discovery. But, ye Gods! How was I dismayed, to find the third Sister there, and would not be denied Entering? Nay, now, cried I, Fate do your worst; then let her in. She finding one in Tears, the other like a Fury, made a scrutiny into the Occasion; and 'twas not long before she was satisfied, at which she kicked up her Heels; and Faith I thought was gone to carry the News to the other World. But in a short time coming to herself, she divulged her own Weakness, of being imposed on by my pretended Love; and gave me a second part to the same Tune. At length, all being silent with Grief, I spoke to them to this Effect, Fancying myself that Heroic Libertine, Don john: Tou see, Ladies, how by Accident I am discovered in my Amours with you all; you have all declared to me severally you are with Child by me, and that I promised you all Marriage, which I Confess: But since 'tis not in my Power to gratify all your desires in performing my Promise, I do declare I renounce it to you all; and advise you for your own Honour, not to divulge it, thinking thereby to Expose me; for thereby your own Reputation will be Blasted: But by Concealing your own Frailties, since you are alike Guilty, things may be so managed that the Censorious World may be Ignorant of it. Then leaving them to condole one another's Misfortunes, and contrive for their own Safety; I came to meet you according to our Appointment.  
Most Sinners, said I, find by experience the truth of the Old Proverb, That Sweetmeats must have Sower-Sawce: And Ills, tho' perpetrated with the greatest Cunning and Security, are seldom exempt from the Punishment they deserve; as I last Night Experienced, by a Misfortune attended with such amazing Circumstances as the hazard of my Life, and Distraction of my Senses. Which happened as follows.  
Having spen the remainder of the day (when I had left you) after a Drunken and Libidinous manner, about Ten a Clock at Night, I staggered from my Company, and rambled about Streets, in quest of Common Game, that the Wickedness of the Night, might Crown the Debaucheries of the Day; and that I might continue a Fashionable Libertine in a hot pursuit of Vice without any Cessation, lest an Interval should cool me into Sober reflecting on my past Lewdness, and make me fit for Bedlam, rather than a true Penitent; The next Morning accordingly I met with a stroling Strumpet, whose Face by Candle-light (which commonly gives Advantage to the Female Sex) looked plastered over with Pomatum, and her Lips embellished with a Counterfeit Colour to imitate a Healthful Redness: But however, the Power of Lust and Weakness of my Judgement, rendered any thing that appeared in Petticoats Welcome to my fond Embraces; so that with very little difficulty, I readily engaged my Condescending Madam to accept of my Company, unwarily giving her the Privilege to conduct me to what Place, her most Mercenary Ladyship should think convenient to spend the whole Night together, in the reciprocal Enjoyment of each others Company; upon which, she took me under the Arm, as Lovingly as a Citizens Wife does her Cuckoldly Spouse, and conveyed me very safely into Salisbury-Court; where we travelled down the Lane as Lovingly together, as if we had been Bedfellows and Mess-mates together, ever since the Miraculous beginning of the late happy Revolution. At last she carried me into a House where a burly black Fellow with a Countenance as terrible as the Prince of the Devils, bid us wonderfully Welcome, and showed us into a back Kitchen, where the easiest Seat was a Buffer-Stool, and the rest of the Furniture fit for nothing but to be dedicated to the fifth of November, or to the Pious Memory of our Gracious Queen Elizabeth. By that time we'd sat down, my Mistress tipped the Wink for some of her belov'd Liquor, and presently in came a middle-aged Harradan, representing the Hostess charged with a diminutive Quartern of infernal Spirits, having so many unlucky Signs in her dangerous Physiognomy, as if the Devil had travelled through the Features of her Face, as the Planets through the Houses of the Heavens, and had left the mark of his Cloven Foot on every place he trod upon. The Brandy, or more properly Kill-devil, being raw, my Mistress complained it lay very cold upon her Stomach, and desired she might have half a Pint burned, to prevent her falling into a fit of an Ague; which I, being a very liberal Gentleman, very readily consented to, or indeed any thing else, my Insinuating She-compound of Compound of Devilism was desirous to please her snuffling palate with; her Dialect was so agreeable to the appearance of her Person, and the Pestiferous place in which we had taken Sanctuary, that I was mightily pleased to see every thing answerable to the Wicked Purpose I was thus far engaged in. To what ever I said, she had a piece of Newgate-Cant, that she made applicable, and Thwarted my Bawdy-Rhetorick with as many May-be-not's, as a Bungler makes Why-not's in a whole days Play at Tick-Tack; every now and then I heard a Lumbering in the House, and observed the People every time they came, to look with very busy Countenances: I was mighty Solicitous with my Mistress to go up to Bed, but she still resisted my Importunities by an Interferring request of t'other Quartern, which I still submitted to; till at last Nature quite tired with the Day's Fatigue, and my Brains overburdened with the stupifying Fumes of our Fiery Devils-Piss, I fell fast a Sleep, and lay exposed to the mercy of my Mercenary Mistress, and her vile Accomplices; who hoist me (after what manner I know not) up two pair of Stairs, took off most of my clothes, and laid me upon an old Flock-Bed by the side of a Dead Woman; who I found afterwards had made her Exit in a Flux, and covered both up together, with an old Lousy red Rug, where I slept till near Daylight, by the Cold side of my Defunct Mistress; in which time they removed all their Goods, which I suppose needed not many Carts to expedite their Conveyance, and amongst the rest, both my Money, and as much of my Apparel as was worth their taking; locks up the House, puts the Key under the Door, and there leaves poor Pill-Garlick Snoring, in this hopeful Condition, Dreaming nothing of the matter: The Watchman coming by, past Four a Clock, gave an Audible Thump at the Door, according to Custom; and the House being Empty so encouraged, the Sound, that it struck as powerfully upon my Ear, as if a Demi-Culverin had been fired at my Beds-head, or I'd been hooped up in a Drum between a couple of Calf's Skins, and somebody had been beating on't; insomuch that it waked me, and put me in a great Quondary to think whither I was got; remembering very well I came into an Alehouse with a serviceable Drudge called a W—re, but could not recollect any thing of my coming to Bed; Extending my Arm a little from my Body, I found I had a Bed-fellow; and the heat of the Brandy having very much inflamed my most Sinful Parts, I began Presently to examine what Old Nick had sent me, a Male or a Female; and finding on't of the right Sex, to tell you the Truth on't, I began to be wonderful kind, and hug her as close as a strenuous Lover ought to do a new Mistress; but found her very Cold, very and very fast asleep, as I thought; so believing she had been, like myself, at hard Service the Day before, I even like a good careful Bed-fellow, covered her up as warm as I could, and turned myself about to take t'other Nap till Daylight, by which time I was in good hopes my Mistress would have Feasted Nature with sufficient rest, and her frozen Limbs would have recovered such warmth, as would have made her fit for Humane Action; having composed myself again, I slept sound till the Sun had peeped above our Horizon, and somebody came rattling at the Door, with as much Authority, as a Churchwarden at an Alehouse knocker, in the middle of Sermon-time; which awaked me out of my sweet Sleep, and brought me waking into a great many troubles; I rubbed my Eyes and began to look about me, and seeing a Bed without Curtains, Walls without Hang, a Hearth without a Grate, and a Room without Chair or Table; I began to be a little surprised and turning to my Mistress attempted to wake her, but found her, as stiff as a Marble Statue, as Cold as a Snowball, as Deaf as a Mute, as Blind as a Beetle; in short, as Dead as a Herring; finding nothing in the Room, but a Tin Spitting-pot, and an Earthen Bed-pan; by which I reasonably conceived she Dyed in her Calling, and between the Distemper and Medicine, Pox and Mercury, was carried the Lord knows whither, to give an Account of her Stewardship. All this while somebody rattling at the Door, as if either a Constable was come for me, or the Devil for the Corpse; which lamentable fright, together with the other grievous Circumstances I lay under, had like to have caused so great a difference between Soul and Body, that 'twas as much as ever I could do to keep 'em in one another's Company; still hoping there was somebody in the House, tho' as things appeared there was little reason to believe it; still every half Minute I had a fresh Alarm, and at last venturing down into other Rooms, found nothing but a Vacancy, having carried every thing clear off, but the Dead Carcase of a Woman which married men generally account to be their best Household stuff: At last I ventured to peep out at Window, to see what furious Assailant attacked our Castle with such a vehement Pulsation; seeing only a single Man, who looked like a Rogue, tho' not like a Constable, I asked him what he wanted? He told me, To speak with the People of the House, for that he was the Landlord. I told him they were not within; but he being, I suppose, a Confederate in the design, was very preremptory, vowing he would come in, either by force or consent, and that if I would not give him Entrance, he would fetch a Constable and break the Door? Which upon good consideration, I thought better to be opened by fair means; accordingly I went down, took up the Key, which was thrust under the Door, and gave him admittance, who as soon as he came in, looked round about him, with a counterfeit stern look, and asked, What was become of the Goods? I told him truly I could not tell, but believed they were gone with the People? How, says he, Pray what do you do in the House, if my Tenant be marched off with his Effects? In answer to which, I told him the Truth of the whole Story, which, I suppose, he knew well enough before; with which he would by no means be pacified, crying, I was a Confederate in removing the Goods off the Premises, and that they owed him a Twelvemonths Rent, and he would make me pay it, or he would trounce me for assisting them? Besides, he did not know but the Woman was Murdered, and would have me before the Lord chief justice, if I would not comply to give him the Arrears. Which I thought it rather Prudence to submit to, than to stand the Test of the matter, in so Scandalous an Adventure; which if it had reached my Father's Ear, might have been the cause of my disinheritance; so that I sent to a trusty Friend for clothes and Money, made up the Business, and left the poor Woman, without further enquiry, to be buried by the Parish. 
If such a Trick won't cool the Lust of Man,  
Sure nothing but Age, Death, or Sickness, can:  
Reader take Care of jilts, for here you see,  
Living or Dead, they have been Plagues to me.   
FINIS