A STEP TO Stir-Bitch-Fair: WITH REMARKS UPON THE UNIVERSITY OF CAMBRIDGE.  
LONDON Printed and Sold by I. How, in the Ramhead Inn-Yard, in Fanchurch-street, 1700.   

Books Printed and Sold by J. How, in the Ram-Head-Inn-Yard in Fenchurch-Street; and by M. Fabian, at Mercers-Chappel.  

1. SOt's Paradise: Or the Humours of a Derby-Ale-House: With a satire upon the Ale. Price Six Pence.  
2. A Trip to jamaica: With a True Character of the People and Island. Price Six Pence.  
3. Ecclesia & Factio. A Dialogue between Bow-Steeple-Dragon, and the Exchange-Grashoper. Price Six pence.  
4. The Poet's Ramble after Riches. With Reflections upon a Country Corporation. Also the Author's Lamentation in the time of Adversity. Price Six pence.  
5. A Trip to New-England. With a Character of the Country and People, both English and Indians. Price Six pence.  
6. Modern Religion, & Ancient Loyalty: A Dialogue. Price Six Pence.  
7. The World Bewitched. A Dialogue between two Astrologers and the Author. With Infallible Predictions of what will happen from the Vices and Villainies Practised in Court, City, and Country. Price Six pence.  
8. A Walk to Islington: With a Description of New Tunbridge-Wells, and Sadler's Music-house. Price Six pence.  
9 The Humours of a Coffeehouse: A Comedy. Price Six Pence.  
10. A Frolic to Horn-Fair. With a Walk from Cuckold's-Point through Deptford and Greenwich. Price Six pence.  
11. The Dancing-School. With the Adventures of the Easter-Holy-Days. Price Six pence.  
12. The First Volume of the LONDON-SPY: In Twelve Parts.  
13. The Second Volume of the LONDON-SPY: In Six Parts. Price Six Pence each; or they may be had both Volumes Bound together; and also Bound with the rest of the Authors Writings.  
14. The Metamorphosed Beau, etc. Price Six pence.  
15. The English Nun: Or, a Comical Description of a Nunnery. With the Lives and Intrigues of the Priests and Nuns. Price Six Pence.  
16. Laugh and be Fat: Or, an Antidote against Melancholy. Containing great variety of Comical Intrigues in Town and Country. To which is added Nine Delightful Tales. Price One Shilling.  
17. A Step to the Bath: With a Character of the Place. Price Six Pence.  
18. Labour in Vain: Or, what Signifies Little or Nothing, viz. I. The Poor Man's Petition at Court. II. Expectation of Benefit from a Covetous Man in his Life-time. III. The Marriage of an Old Man to a Young Woman. IV. Endeavours to Regulate men's Manners by Preaching or Writing. V Being a jacobite. VI Confining an Insolvent Debtor. VII. Promise of Secrecy in a Conspiracy. VIII. An Enquiry after a Place.  
19 The Reformer. Exposing the Vices of the Age: In several Characters. viz. 1. The Vicious Courtier. 2. The Debauched Parson. 3. The Factious Hypocrite. 4. The Precise Quaker. 5. The Covetous Miser. 6. The Prodigal Son. 7. The City Letcher. 8. The Insatiate Wife. 9 The Amorous Maid. 10. The Beau Apprentice. 11. The City Mob. 12. The Country Squire.  
20. The Rambling Rakes: Or, London Libertines. Price Six Pence.  
21. The Insinuating Bawd: And Repenting Harlot. Price sixpence.    

A STEP TO STIR-BITCH-FAIR.  
HAVING heard much of the Fame of Stir-Bitch-Fair, where Vice, Merchandise, and Diversion, draw the Cambridge-Youth, London-Traders, Lyn-Whores, and abundance of Ubiquitarian-Strolers, into a promiscuous Assembly, all contributing something to either the Pleasure or Profit of one another; some coming to spend Money, others to get it: The Promotion of their Interest, or the pleasing of their Senses being the two chief Ends, I suppose, which collect such Numbers of Mankind together from their sundry scattered Habitations: I resolved, since the Season of the year proved Dry and Pleasant, to make a short visit to Cambridge, and withal to take a complete survey of this its Neighbouring and Renowned Fair, of which I had often heard many remarkable and pleasant Stories. In pursuance of this my Design, I gave earnest for a Place in the Stage-Coach, and the next Morning having Lined my Pockets, and bundled up a sufficient Quantity of Linen to refresh me for the Fortnight, I took a Hackney Wheel-about for Expeditions sake to the Green-Dragon within Bishopsgate, where our Travelling Conveniency stood ready to receive me: But by that time I got thither, the Country Tub-driver began to be impatient, all the Company but myself being already come, and had taken up their Stations in the Dirty, Lumbering, Wooden Hovel, being more in shape like a Tobacco-Hogshead than a Coach, Bellying out in the Budge like the Stern of a Dutch Flyboat; and was built more for Burden, and the Horse's Ease, than to commode Travellers. The rest of the Company being most of 'em pretty Burly, had made a Shift to leave me a Nook in the Back part of the Coach, not much wider than a Chair for a jointed Baby; I nessled, and I squeezed and drew in my sides like a fat Man going through a narrow Style, till with much ado I had wedged in my Buttocks between the side of the Coach and the Hip of a bouncing Blowsabella, who sat next me. Thus labouring as hard as ever did furious Lover to riggle himself in between the knees of a coy Mistress.  
When I had thus by Storm and a great deal of Fatigue, taken my Place, which notwithstanding the troublesome coming at it, I had before paid for, I sat with Patience upon Force, crowded up like a great Plumb in the Corner of a Minced-pie. But before many Minutes were spent, our brawny Storm-beaten Carrion-Flogger, whose empty Noddle was armed against the Wether, with a Leather-Cap as thick as a Church-Bucket, drew up his Flounder-mouth like a Hen's Fundament; and with a cherrup or two, and an Enlivening Slash, away scowered the half Dozen of thin Gutted Titts, with a Crowd of Sinners at their Arses, as if the Devil drove 'em: Our Booted Caravan, almost as big as the Belly of the Trojan-Horse, being bound down so strictly to it's good Behaviour, that it had no more sway when we came over a Kennel, than St. Sepulchers Steeple has when the College Youths are ringing in it: Whilst we at every swog, needed our Elbows in one another's sides, till I had the ill Fortune to so raise an old Gentleman's Spleen, that he Grind and Snarld like a Towzer at a Bone when a strange Dog is near him, being ready to by't my Nose off, having given his Corns a jostle I suppose, that put him under an uneasiness beyond the Patience of his Years, which seemed to be attended with a Peevish Temper and many Infirmities. In a little time we got oft the Stones, and had done Cursing of the Pavier; and then began to swim as easily along the Road as a Gravesend Barge in Fair Wether, tho' wedged as close in one by another as a Barrel of Red-Herrings, or Wheat-Ears in a Tunbridge-Pye.  
I now took the Liberty to examine into my Company, consisting of five Women, a sucking Child, the old Gentleman, and myself. Two of our Ladies I discovered by their Talk were Sempstresses, the third a Perfumers Widow, the fourth a Fatherless Parson's Daughter, and the fifth I imagined, was carrying down an Unwelcome Fairing, the Child, to some unfortunate Cantabridgian, who when he was last in London, answered the end of his Creation a little unadvisedly, and left his Image behind ' in. The Old Gentleman, I understood by his Talk, having a Son at St. John's College, whose unruly Appetites were a little too powerful for the Weak Discretion of his Junior Years to keep under a regular Subjection, was going down in order (by his Paternal Authothority) to restrain him, if it were possible, from the Vices and Debaucheries incident to the Fair.  
I began to consider with myself the inequality of the Number of the Female Sex, was likely to make it a Chargeable Journey to the old Man and I, unless I could handsomely project some Passable means to slip my Neck out of the Chollar, which I did in a great Measure after the following Method. When a little accidental Mirth and Frothy Prittle-Prattle had begun our Acquaintance, and begot a little Familiarity amongst one another, I began to tell 'em a Story, wherein I introduced it as a Custom in English Travelling, that the Majority of either Sex used to treat the lesser Number of the other; but however, being unwilling to put so heavy a Task upon such a Number of so pretty Ladies, though scarce one was handsome enough to be a Concubine to a Black-a-moor, I thought it was very Reasonable for the Old Gentleman and I to take one apiece of 'em under our Protection; and that those whom Fortune should exclude from Enjoying the Benefit should have no reason to be Angry, they should draw Cuts among themselves, to determine who should be entitled to the Advantage, which the wanton Titts very merrily consented to; but the old Testy Curmudgion having little Generosity in his Looks, and less in his Heart, seemed to be very much out of Humour I had made so expensive a Proposal, and very peevishly expressed the following Words, viz. Marry let them Treat 'em that most wanted a return of their Favours, as for his part he was grown Old and past it: Why, sure Father, said I, if you were never so Old, you might wish a good thing well. But I'll engage, said I, you are able to do Business still, if you would but give your mind to't. Not I, replied the surly Cuff, shaking his Head, but whispering in my Ear, says he, I'd give five Hundred Pounds I could. However at last we drolled the old Love-Penny into a Compliance, and the Women drew Lots; which, for a Shift, the willing Creatures made of Whale-Bone they plucked out of their Stomachers. Upon the decision of the matter, the homeliest Pugnancy amongst 'em fell to my Lot, and Fortune favoured the Old Fumbler with the Youngest and Handsomest, which infused such a Juvenal Spirit into my Grandsire, that he grew as Frothy, and as Brisk, as a Bottle of small-Beer at Midsummer; Snapping his Middle-Finger and Thumb at every word, as loud as a pair of Castinets, entertaining his Mistress with a Song in excuse of his Age, part of which I remember to recite, viz.  

SONG.  
Tho' I am an Old Man, I have Wealth and Riches;  
And besides Money, I've something in my Breeches:  
And dare to hold a Young Man, a Guinea to a Shilling,  
I can please a Young Wench, if she be but willing.   
By this time our diminutive Fellow Traveller, the swaddled Infant; began by his shrill Squales, more frightful to a Petticoat-Sinner, than a Sowgelder's Horn to a gelt Mongrel, to show very terrible Signs of a Lamentable uneasiness; upon which, the indulging Mother, tender of her hopeful Progeny (after she had tried Hush, my dear Creature, Lull-a-by, and the Bubby, but without Effect) guessed rightly the disaster that attended the poor Innocent, and began like a careful Nurse, to examine whether any Signs of good Luck had dropped from the Child's Bumfiddle; and upon strict enquiry found the Baby had broke his twattling strings, to the great offence of the Nostrils of the whole Company, insomuch that I, for want of being accustomed to the Infirmities of Children, was more than ordinary Squeamish, and to aviod the Sight of the gilded double clout, as well as the Scent of those Odoriferous Effluvia's that arose from the Sour Grounds of the leaky Runlet; I popped out my Head out of one of the Coach Windows, for the Benefit of the Air, and rid for a Mile, as if I had sat Barreled up in a Gold-finders Caravan; with my Head out of the Bunghole; so that between the two extremes of Age and Infancy, we passed away the Time till we came to Ware; where we put in at the Sign of the English Champion, who redeemed the Maid from the Jaws of the Dragon, to give Nature the refreshment of a Dinner, and to ease our tired Limbs from that Numbness incident to those cripling Postures, the Number of our Company forced us to sit in; in this Inn stands the great Bed of Ware, talked of as much among the Citizens, who seldom Travel beyond the bounds of the home Circuit; as the Gigantic greatness of the Herodian Colossus, or the Magnitude of the Trojan Horse, are amongst the Sober Enquirers into lost Antiquities. The Extravagant largeness of this Bed is very much wondered at, by all that see it, being wide enough to lodge a Troop of Soldiers, with the assistance of a Trundle-Bed; in the same Room hangs a great pair of Horns, upon which (insisting upon an old Custom) they Swear all new Comers; the form of the Oath being something Comical, and withal very Ancient, I have presented it to the Reader, hoping if it be not valuable for its Wit, it may be for its Antiquity.  

Take Care thou dost thyself no wrong,  
Drink no small Beer when thou hast Strong;  
And further do thyself this Right,  
Eat no Brown Bread if thou hast White;  
And if the Mistress thou canst Bed,  
Besure thou dost not kiss the Maid.  
Show not thy Wife thy utmost Strength,  
Nor let her know thy Purses Length;  
Never be bound for any Friend,  
But rather far thy Money Lend;  
For thou wilt find 'tis better he  
Should break or be undone, than thee;  
Trust no Man that is Proud and Poor,  
Unless thou wilt forgive the Score;  
For he will neither Pay nor own,  
The Kindness thou to him hast shown;  
Be just and grateful to thy Friend,  
'Twill make thee happy in the end;  
But if thyself and thine thou'dst save,  
Take Care thou dealest not with a Knave:  
Trust not thy Wife, tho' near so good,  
With no Man but thyself abroad.  
For if thou dost, e'er she returns,  
Thy Forehead may be decked with Horns:  
What I have said do thou retain,  
So Kiss the Horns, and say, Amen.   
After this very Useful and Cautionary Oath had been administered ot several of our Company, and among the rest myself; our Twelvepences a piece was exacted, for the Benefit of the rest of our Fellow-Travellers, who had been accustomed to the Road; which Fine we were forced to submit to, or undergo the Ridicule of the whole House, for the Ill-natured breach of an Old Custom. This Ceremony being ended, and the usual deuce Collected, and brought in, in such sundry sorts of Liquor as might please every Body's palate, spurred on by our Appetites, we began to inquire what sorts of Provisions they either had in the House, or intended for our Dinners? To which the Master answered, The only thing that the Town was famed for, was Eels; in the ordering of which they had so complete a Knowledge, they would undertake to dress 'em as many several ways as ever a French Cook did a Feast of Frogs, or a Dutch Skipper a Dish of Pickled Herrings. And it happening so Fortunately, that every one of our Company being great Lovers of this Fish; we readily united in one Opinion, and ordered that our Dinner might be all Eels, desiring the Cook might serve us up with as great variety of this Slippery Food, as her utmost Skill in the useful Art of Cookery would give her Leave; without further directing her to any particularities, but left her wholly to her own Freedom and Discretion in the Business; which indeed she managed so well to her Master's Interest, and to the Companies Satisfaction, that I believe never was a a parcel of Mud-worms served up to the Table of an Epicure, and rendered more pleasing to the palate, with such variety of Sauces, or made fit for the Stomach by such sundry Stratagems, as were used in the industrious Coquination of these our slimy Eatables; Besides, the ordinary ways of Boiling, Frying, Baking, Stewing, Roasting, and Toasting; we had 'em Coddled, Parboiled, Soused Dowsed, and the Devil and all.  
When we had Plentifully Feasted on our Fish, like so many Cormorants, and wound up our Dinner as decency requires, with a short Thankigiving, we called for a Bill to inform us what we had to pay; accordingly one was brought, wherein more particulars were inserted, than ever were found in a Tailor's Debt-Book, or a Boatswain's Catalogue of Materials, for the new rigging of a Vessel; which summed up, came as exactly to half a Crown, a Head, and Twelvepences for the Cook, as if the Master himself, had been well Skilled in Arithmetical Proportion, and knew well upon Expedition how to prevent Fractions in a reckoninig; tho' we told 'em we thought ourselves a little unreasonably dealt with; yet they so very much insisted on the extraordinary Trouble we had put 'em to; that they Talkatively prevented any manner of Abatements, only the Master very Politicly presented us with a Dram a piece of right French Brandy, to wash away the grumbling in our Gizards, that we might not report to his Prejudice the hardness of our Usage.  
We all now had recourse again to our Country Vehicle, where we restated ourselves in our former Misery; and underwent the Penance of being crammed as close as Potted Pdigeons, till we came to Puckridge; where the Coachman only called, to wash the Dust out of his Mouth, and supply his Salival Ducts with a little Moisture, which might well become Drowthy, with his talking to his Horses, upon whom he vented as much Spleen, Passion, and Flagellation, as ever did peevish Pedagogue upon a dozen of Blockheads, who had neither Wit nor Memory. All that was remarkable here, was an Axe which they showed us, kept as sharp and as bright, as if it were whetted as often as their Knives, or scoured as often as their Handirons; this antiquated Weapon, as they tell you, had the Honour of cutting off some great Man's Head, but who, or upon what Account, they are at a great Loss to inform you.  
From thence we joged on, till we came to our Evenings Stage, a Town called Barley; where we put into an Inn, distinguished by the Name of Old Pharaoh, which Title it acquired from a Stout Elevating Malt-Liquor under the same Name, for which it has long been famous. This Inn is kept not only by a Female, but according to her own report, and the Belief of her Neighbours, a Maid too; and of such a Herculean Proportion, that had she been in the same Jeopardy with the Virgin of Old, she would have been able to have made her Party good with the Dragon; and if the English Champion had lent his assistance to the weakest side, which I am sure must have been the Monster, I am certain she'd have proved strong enough to have beat St. George into the Bargain. Here our Entertainment was very good, tho' not so cheap as to be attended with no Fault; here we hearty enjoyed the true English Pleasure of Substantial Eating, and supplied that Emptiness, the slippery Eels had left in our Stomaches, with well-fed Mutton, and fat Fowls, which we washed down with old Pharaoh, till we made ourselves as merry as Bumpkins at a Harvest home, till the Women like true Gossips over their Liquor, began to let their Tongues run as fast as the quickest Division of Tollets Ground, quarrelling about the uneasiness of one another's places in the Coach, as if their Bumfiddles had been gauled by the hardness of their Seats; whilst indeed I hearty wished their Tongues in the same Condition. Our bouncing Maiden-Landlady to show a peculiar respect to us the Company of the Coach, which I suppose, she esteemed as generally her most profitable Guests, obliged us with her Company, not only to Supper, at which according to old custom, she composed her Dutch-built Stern into a sedential Posture at the Upper end of the Table, but also honoured us after with a great deal of her Blunt Conversation, which was very pleasant, and consequently acceptable; entertaining us with a great many merry Stories, one of which I thought more particularly diverting, and being managed by herself, and Transacted in her own House, I think it worth the Reciting.  
About the middle of this last Summer, a couple of jolly Country Parsons were coming up to Town, mounted upon Rouen and Sorrel, with their Wives behind 'em, and chanced in the close of the Evening to put into old Pharaoh, and Inn there for the Night; the House happening to be full of Travellers, insomuch that the best Rooms were before taken up, had but one Chamber to spare, wherein there were two Beds, which the Parsons rather than to go further and far worse, consented to accept of; Ordering a couple of Fowls to be laid down to the Fire, it being difficult for a Priest to rest quietly that Night he goes to Bed without Roastmeat for his Supper, says our Maiden Landlady; they all being hot with riding, and half choked with the Dust upon the road, called plentifully for old Pharaoh, which their Wives seemed highly to approve on, complaining greatly they had met with but indifferent Liquor thro'out all their Journey, till they had happily arrived at Barley, upon which, says she, one of the Parsons Punned upon the Name of the Town, after the following manner:  

Good Barley makes good Malt,  
Good Malt makes this good Liquor;  
Which has no other Fault,  
Unless it's so strong,  
'Twill Fuddle e'er long,  
Both me and my Brother Vicar.   
Thus they diverted themselves, till their Supper was ready, to which they sat down with as cheerful looks, and keen appetites, as if it were a Parish Feast, and what ever they had Eat and Drank, should have been on free-cost; when they had about half done, they remembered to invite their Hostess to participate, who having a huge Spirit, as I found by her telling the Story, in proportion to the Bulkiness of her Body, was so highly disgusted, that after a slighting manner, she refused their unmannerly kindness, resolving, as I suppose, to be even with 'em in the Reckoning. When Supper was over, and the two Parsons had cast up Cross or Pile who should return thanks for the good Creature; the two good Wives after they had drank a Grace-cup, were desirous to go to Bed; the Parsons at this time having a greater kindness for the Liquor, than for their Helpmates Company, had a mind to sit up a little longer, and considering Tobacco to be a good Emblem of the World's vanity and instability, were resolved to Moralise over one peremptory Pipe, and a comfortable Cup or two of Coroborating Old Pharaoh: Upon which their Ladies being equally tired with the Fatigue of their Journey, retired to their Chamber without their Husbands, with a Female Chamberlain to attend 'em, who put them in their several Beds, set the Recepticles of the Night in order, wished them good Rest, and bid them farewell till the next Morning. Our Maiden Landlady about half an hour after, having an indispensable occasion for something in the same Room, went up Stairs, opened the Chamber Door, intending to excuse herself to the Levites Bedfellows, but found 'em both refreshing their weary Limbs with Nature's kindest Medicament, a sound Sleep, which immediately put a Project into her Head, to draw the two Priests into an ignorant Breach of the Ninth Commandment, and make 'em the reciprocal Authors of one another's Cuckoldom, without knowing any thing of the matter, till 'twas too late for prevention; in order to effect this Design, she changes the places of their Garments, putting the clothes of the one Parson's Wife, to the Bedside of the other, and shutting the Door after her, came down Stairs, growing very Merry and Jocund with her Canonical Guests, which occasioned 'em to inflame their Bodies with a Pot or two extraordinary. When thus their own Wills had measured out to their Appetites a sufficient Quantity, they were lighted up to Bed, and coming into the Chamber, fearing to wake their Wives were very hush, ordering the Chamberlain to go down Stairs, for they needed not his Assistance; the Curtains being Drawn, and the Parson's having an Eye on their Wife's clothes, chose their Beds by the Apparel that lay by 'em, examining no further for a better Information, but to Bed they went. The Landlady Lodging herself that Night in the next Room, which nothing but a Thin Wainscot parted, on Purpose to satisfy herself how her Project took, and what Event it would produce in the Morning. No sooner had the Priests laid aside the Robes of Divinity, and were Cumbent in their Feathers, but the Power of Old Pharaoh, and the warmth of their Wives together, began to operate on both Parties, and something was done, says my Landlady, which, tho' I'm a Maid, I cannot choose but guests at: All things going smoothly on till Break of Day without discovery, about five a Clock in the Morning one of the Parson's opening the Curtains to guests at the time of Day, happens to espy his Neighbour's Wife instead of his own, and hearing his Brother Priest (who had not been Married above a Month) very busy in the next Bed. Hold, hold, Neighbour, says he, have a care what you do; pray G—d send we are not mistaken; I doubt you have my Goods there, however it came about, for I'm sure I have that by me that's none of my own. The other who had much the younger and Prettier Wife: Tears open the Curtains, and finds it too true to make a Jest on, Leaps out of Bed, which the other did also, and so changed into their proper Places. The Parson's enquiring amongst themselves what could be the meaning of this strange mistakes, could account it to nothing but an agreement of their Wives to change Bedfellows; which the Women being Innocent denied, with all satisfactory: Protetestations; so that what to make on't they could not Imagine, but dressed themselves and went down Stairs, having no way left but to make the best of a bad Market. When they came into the Kitchen, my Landlady bid 'em good Morrow, hoped they rested well all Night, and asked if they'd be pleased to have a Cup of the old Liquor and a Toast for their Morning's Draught, No, no, says one of the Heavenly Guides very angrily, Pharaoh was a good King, but your Pharaoh is wicked Liquor, it had like to have raised a dispute between my Friend and I this Morning, about pulling one another's Boots on. Indeed Husband, says the oldest and the wisest of he Wives, I vow it was a very pleasant mistake, howsoever it happened.  

Hush, (says the Parson) Wife remember this,  
Words are not well, in things that ●are amiss.   
Meeting with nothing further that was remarkable at Old Pharoah's, when we had refreshed our Bodies with a Night's repose; in the Morning, after we had lined our Carcases with a good Breakfast, to keep the Fogs from oftending our Stomaches, we set forward on our Journey, and proceeded without any thing remarkable, till we came to Saffron-Walden, so called from the great Quanties of that most excellent Flower that grows there so valued by Physicians for its admirable Virtues in abundance of Distempers, being held to be one of the greatest Cordials the whole Universe produces, it is said the Yellow Jaundice is never incident to the Inhabitants of this Place, against which lazy Distemper, this true English Medicine is so infallibly Efficacious, that let a Person but Ride through the Town who is under this disorder, and the Effluvias that arise from their Saffron-Gardens, shall fill the Air with such a Salubrious Quality, that the Odoriferous Breath you suck into your Nostrils, shall prove an effectual Cure, for not only the aforementioned, but many other Distempers; as for my own part, I found myself so enlivened with the Fumes, which I snushed up as we passed through, that a stolen Maid after the Loss of her Virginity, or a cleared Culprit, who has just knocked off his Shackles, could not be more frolicsome and Gay, than I found myself; which I may justly ascribe to the great Influence of this Golden-coloured Product, which is of a Nature so good, that Physicians themselves allow it can scarce be used amiss.  
From thence we jogged on about a Mile, at which distance from Saffron Walden, stood a famous Pile of Stone Building, called Audley-End, of which I had often heard, but never till this time had amazed my Eyes with such a stupendious Structure, which seemed to me to be a great City, with the Licence of a Traveller, almost as big as London within the Walls, if you take Gardens and all, and for aught I know, I shall not enlarge so much as to need your Pardon for it.  
This Magnificent Edifice was first raised by an Ancestor of the Earl of Suffolk, and sold afterwards to King Charles; the Magnitude of this House is reported to be such, that 'tis a Days Work for a running Footman to open and shut the Windows that appertain thereto; and that there is one Gallery in it, of such a vast length, that if you beat a Drum at one end, it shan't be loud enough to fright away a Mouse at the other; nor are we able to distinguish at the same distance a Hog from a Dog, without a spying Glass. It's a House fit only for a Prince, and to be maintained and upheld at a National Charge, for it's almost large enough to Beggar the Country it stands in, to keep it in repair. It is situated in a valley at the Bottom of a Hill, and has Water enough comes down in the Winter to drown it, if Care by Drains and Aquaducts, were not taken to prevent it, 'Tis a useless Vanity, sprung up from abundance of Riches, raised more for wonder than for use; and serves rather as a Monument of the Donor's Pride and Greatness, than his Wisdom and Liberality; for to spend one half of an Estate in a Building, that would ruin the remainder to keep it in Repair, either shows that a Man knows not well what he does, or that he has more Money than he knows well what to do with; or else that he was mindful to do a vain thing with his Treasure, the better to show the World the Vanity of Riches.  
From thence we scowered along an Ass' Gallop, now and then plagued with a terrifying Lesson from our little Humane Bagpipes, meeting with nothing remarkable till we came within four Mile of Cambridge, at which distance the top of King's College Chappel was discernible, appearing in a Figure resembling a Cradle, and by Travellers is so called; which happened to draw into my Noddle, the following scrap of Poetry.  

Old Cambridge brings forth Men of Learning and Parts,  
Dame Nature's dark Laws to unriddle;  
And Since she's the Midwife of Science and Arts,  
'Tis fit she be known by a Cradle.   
When from thence we had travelled about three Mile further, we came to a small Village called Trumpington, a Mile on this side Cambridge. This Town is not a little famous for two great Conveniences it affords the young Scholars of the University, for here the fresh Men first learn to be good Companions, and afterwards when in Orders, practise to be good Preachers; for here they commonly Drink their first merry cup with their Friends after their initiation, and generally deliver their first Sermon when Qualified by the Bishop for the Ministerial Function; as we passed through Trumpington, where the Scholars at their leisure hours, are some or other of 'em usually refreshing themselves; we saw several Black Gowns pop in and out of the little Country-hovels, like so many Black Rabbits in a Warren, bolting out of their Coney-Burroughs; I have some reason to be jealous, the Name of this Place was Originally given it for no good, but rather from some wild Scholars, who being Libidiously given, had usual recourse thither, and kissed the Wenches till they Farted again, from whence, as some Sages conjecture, in process of time, it gained the Name Trumping-Town.  

Where Women, doubtless, are possessed,  
Of Faculties discerning;  
Since they (kind Souls) so oft are Blest,  
With Men of Parts and Learning.   

One Pulpit's Common to the Gown,  
For Teachers to be seen in;  
But they have Numbers in the Town,  
Where Preachers oft have been in.   

All standing stiffly to their Text,  
Till cleared the Point most fairly;  
Whilst those they ' nstruct are never vexed,  
But when they've done too Early.   
The next place we arrived at, was our Journeys-end, Cambridge; where Black and Purple Gowns were stroling about Town, like Parsons in a Country Metropolis, during the Bishop's visitation; Some looking with as meager Countenances, as if in search of the Philosophers-Stone, they had studied themselves into an hypocondriac Melancholy; other's seeming so profoundly thoughtful, as if in pursuance of Agrippa's Notions they were studying how to raise Sparagrass from Rams-Horns, or to produce a Homunculus as Gardeners do Pumpkins, by burying the Semen in a Dunghill; some looking as Plump and as Jolly as a painted Bacchus bestriding a Canary Butt; smiling as he passed by, at his own Soliloquies, as if he was muttering over to himself some Bacchanalian Ode, he had conceived in Praise of good Claret; others seeming as Sottishly Sorrowful as if they were Maudlin Fuddled, and lamenting the Misfortune of poor Anacreon, who Choked himself with a Grapestone; some strutting along about Eighteen years of Age, in new Gown and Cassock, as if they had received Orders about two hours before, and were the next Morning to have Institution and Induction, to become the hopeful Guide of a whole Parish; and here and there one appearring so Rakishly Thoughtless, as if Nature, by his empty Looks, had designed him to grind Mustard, or pick Mushrooms for some Nobleman's Kitchen; tho' his Parents, in Opposition to his destiny, resolved to make him a Scholar. As for the Town itself, it was so abominably dirty, that Oldstreet in the middle of a Winters Thaw, or Bartholomew-Fair after a Shower of Rain, could not have more occasion for a Scavenger, than the miry Street of this famous Corporation; and most of them so very narrow, that should two Wheel-barrows meet in the largest of their Thoroughfare, they are enough to make a stop for half an hour before they can well clear themselves of one another, to make room for Passengers.  
After the Coach had set me down, and I had taken a fair Leave of my Fellow-Travellers, I walked about to take a more complete survey both of the Town and University. The Buildings in many parts of the Town were so little and so low, that they looked more like Huts for Pigmies, than Houses for Men; and their very Shopkeepers seemed to me to be so well-sized to their Habitations, that they appeared like so many Monkeys in their Diminutive Shops mimicking the Trade of London. Amongst the rest of the Pomps and Vanities of this Wicked Corporation, there is one very famous Inn, distinguished by the Sign of the Devil's Lap-dog in Petty-Cury, here I went to refresh myself with a Glass or two of Canary; where I found an Old grizly Curmudgion, Corniferously Wedded to a Plump, Young, Brisk, Black, Beautiful, good Landlady, who I afterwards heard had so great a kindness for the Uniniversity, that she had rather see two or three Gownsmen come into her House, than a Cuckoldly Crew of Aldermen in all their Pontificalibusses; and indeed I had reason to believe there was no love lost, for the Scholars crept in as fast and as slily, for either a Kiss, a kind Look, or a Cup of Comfort, as Hogs into an Orchard after a High-wind, or Flies into Pigsauce, for the sake of the Sugar; I liked my pretty Hostess so wonderfully well, and was so greatly Delighted with the pleasant Conversation I met with in the House, that I determined with myself to make this my place of residence during my continuance in the Town, so bespeaking a Bed, I afterwards took a Walk in order to view the University, of which I shall proceed to give you a sober and Concise Description.  
The Colleges stand without side the Town, which in plain Terms is a Corporation of Ignorance, hemmed round with Arts and Sciences, a Nest of Fools, that dwell on the Superfluities of the Learned, an ingrateful Soil where the Seeds of Generosity are daily scattered, but produce nothing in return but the Wicked Weeds of Unthankfulness and Ingratitude. Of Learned Societies there are in all Sixteen, twelve Colleges, and four Halls; the most Magnificent of which, being that of Trinity, whose spacious Quadrangle, and commodious Library remain without comparison, the Scholars of this Foundation are distinctly Habited, in Purple Gowns; the rest of the University wearing Black, agree in one and the same Mode. The next piece of Building more particularly Remarkable, is Kings-Colledge Chappel, Founded by Henry the Sixth, and is greatly famed by all Men of Judgement, for it's admirable Architecture, much after the manner of Henry the Seventh's Chapel at Westminster, if not finer and larger. The rest of the Colleges, except St. John's (which has been Beautified and Enlarged of late years) wear the Faces of great Antiquity, and tho' they are not so fine as those which have had the Advantage of a Modern improvement, yet the rust of their Aged Walls, and Obsoleteness of their Structure, procure Veneration from all Spectators, and seemed to me more noble in their Ancient Uniformity, than others disagreeable enlarged with additional Novelties. In short, the Colleges are so Splendid, the Government so Regular, the Orders so Strict, the Ceremonies so Decorous, and the Preferments so Honourable, that in all Europe it is not excelled by any University except Oxford.  
Having thus feasted my Eyes with a general view of the Colleges, I retired to my Inn, where I reposed myself after a good Supper, till the next Morning, which proving fine and Pleasant, I took a Walk to Stir-Bitch-Fair, tho' for the expense of 3 d. I might have been accommodated with the Conveniency of a London Hackney, who at this Season bring Passengers from London and ply there for the Fortnight, carrying Tag, Rag, and Bobtail, for the aforesaid price, provided they have as many as will fill their Coach; but for Eighteen-pences a Scholar and his Mistress may have a running Bawdy-house to themselves, draw up their Tin Sashes, pinked like the Bottom of a Cullender, and hug one another as private as they please, obscured from the wand'ring Eyes of all observing Passengers.  
I had not walked above half a Mile from Cambridge towards the Fair, but I came to a renowned Village which by all reports very deservedly has gained the Ignominious Epithet of Bawdy-Barnwel, so called from the Numerous Brothel-Houses it contains for the Health, Ease, and Pleasure of the Learned Vicinity, and has had so ancient a Reputation for Sacrificing its Female Offspring through many Ages, to the Use and Service of the Neighbouring Societies, that there has not been a Maidenhead known in the Town at Sixteen years of Age, since the time of King Henry the first, in whose Reign Cambridge was new Modelled into an University. Besides the Women of this place have such a Love for the Scholars, and hatred for the Townsmen, that a Bachelor of Arts, shall have more favour for a Distich of English Verses, in praise of Simple Fornication, than the best Tradesmen through out the Corporation shall find for an Ounce of Sterlin.  
From thence I marched forward till I came to the Fair, where I beheld such a Number of Wooden Edifices, and such a Multitude of Gentry, Scholars, Tradesmen, Whores, Hawkers, Pedlars, and Pickpockets, that it seemed to me like an Abstract of all sorts of Mankind, drawn into a lesser Body, to show the World in Epitome: At first I came to the Proctors-Booth, wherein he keeps an Arbitrary Court to Punish, as the Learned Divan shall think fit, all Misdemeanours touching the Scholars, from whence there can be no Appeal; and near to this is held another Wooden Court of Justice on the Behalf of the Corporation, where his Worshipful Bulkiness the Mayor, sits to determine all such Matters as concern his Authority, assisted with the cornuted Elders of the Town, who are ready to lend a Horn upon occasion, to help the Head of their Superior in all cases of difficulty. A little beyond these, lay vast Quantities of Hops, brought in from the adjacent Countries; which made me at first conceive the Cantabrigians to be indefatigable Topers of Malt Liquor, if the Town could consume a the in Tithe Twelvemonth of what I beheld in Bags, which upon second consideration I imagined might be as well bought up by our London Merchants, and therefore aught to beg Cambridg's Pardon for thinking it guilty of such excessive Inebriety  
From thence I turned to the left, by the River side, where my Nostrils were Saluted with such a Saline Savoury Whiff, as if I had been walking in a dry Fishmongers shop in Thames-street; at last I came into a Dutch Market of red and pickled Herrings, Saltfish, Oysters, Pitch, Tar, Soap, etc. Next these a parcel of Wooden Trumpery, ranged in as much order, as a Cupboard of Plate, where Bacchanalian Students may furnish themselves with Punch-Bowles, agreeable to their own Bibacity, Sot's supply themselves with Cans, sizable to their own Humours, and Beggars accommodate themselves with Spoons and Porridge-Dishes of any Dimension, suitable to their own Appetites. Adjoining to this place, stand about a Dozen of Sutler's boozing-Kens, distinguished by the Name of the Lyn-Booths; the good People that keep 'em being Inhabitants of that Town, and have so fair a Reputation for the foul practice of Venery, that their sinful hovel have always maintained the Character of being notorious Bawdy-Houses; the Scholars, to encourage the old Trade of Basket-making, have great resort to these Up-tail Academies, where they are often presented with a Lyn Fairing, which brings 'em to thin Jaws, and a Month or two's spare diet, as a penance for a minute's Titilation; giving many of 'em reason to say with a Scholar under the same Affliction, who being at Chapel whispered to his Chamber-fellow, Chum, Chum, tho' I have the Word of God in my Mouth, to tell thee the Truth on't, I have a Lyn Devil in my Breeches.  
From these Booths I went straight up a Hill, and came into a very handsome street called Garlick-Row, where the slit-deal Tenements were occupied by Sempstresses, Perfumers, Milliners, Toy-men, and Cabinet-makers; and is chief frequented by Powdered▪ Beau's, Bushy Wiged Blockeads, Country Belfa's, and Beautiful Bury Ladies; the latter of which being as commendable for their good Nature, as remarkable for their Prettiness, are attended with such Crowds of Dutchified Fops, with their Hats under their Arms, and their Hands in their Pockets, Bowing and Cringing with such Flexible Submission to each Proud Enchantress, as if their Backs were made of Whalebone; which brought into my Mind the following Distich of my Lord rochester's, in which if I altar one Word, for decency's sake, I hope the Reader will excuse it.  

So a Proud Minx does lead about,  
Of Humble Curs the Amorous Rout.   
This Place terminates in a Place called originally Cooks-Row, but now more properly Cuckolds-Row, from the great Number of Booksellers that are now crept into Possession of their Greasinesses Division; this Learned part of the Fair is the Scholars chief Rendezvouz, where some that have Money come to buy Books, whilst oaths who want it, take 'em slily up, upon Condition to pay if they're catched, and think it a Pious piece of Generosity, to give St. Austin or St. Gregory Protection in a Gown Sleeve till they can better provide for ' 'em. Here the most famous Auctioneer of all Great as well as Little Britain, sells Books by the Hammer, and gives the Scholars as merry an Entertainment, as a Mountebank and his Andrew. Here's an Old Author for you, gentlemans, you may judge his Antiquity by the Fashion of his Leather-Iacket; herein, is contained, for the Benefit of you Scholars, the Knowledge of every thing; written by that famous Author, who through his Prosound Wisdom, very luckily discovered that he knew nothing? For your Encouragement, Gentlemen, I'll put him up at two Shillings, advance 3 Pence; Two Shillings once: What no Body bid? The Bidder advances 3 d. Two and 3d. once: Gentlemen, Fie for shame, why sure Men of your Parts and Learning, will never suffer the Works of so famous an Author to be thus undervallued: If you'll believe me, gentlemans, he's worth more to a Powder-Monkey to make Cartridges of, than what's bid: Two and three pence twice? What no Body amongst you Gentlemen of the Black Robe, that has so much respect for the Wisdom of our Ancestors, as to advance t'other 3d? Well Sir, I find you must have him at two and three pence, Knock, and now you've bought him: Sir I must tell you, you'll find Learning enough within him, to puzzle both Universities: And thus much I promise you further Sir, when you have read him seven years, if you done't like him, bring him to me again, in Little Britain, and I'll help you to a Man shall give you a Shilling for him, to cover Band-Boxes. At this sort of rate he banters the young Studients; and whatever they purchased, gave 'em a Jest into the Bargain.  
From thence I passed into a great Street called Cheapside, where on one side were a considerable number of wholesale Tradesmen, as Linen-drapers, Silk-men, Iron-mongers, Leather-sellers, Tobacconists, etc. who swelled in their Shops, and looked as big above the rest of the Petty-Dealers as the bluff well-fed Senior-Fellows of a College do above the lean thingutted poor Scissors. On the opposite side are Sutler's Booths, much frequented by the London Citizens, who are easily to be known by their thin Calves-Leather Boots, and the Bloodiness of their Spurs, whose Rowels have been often buried in the sides of their Hackneys. Their pretence is, coming down to meet their Customers; tho' its plain by their Loitering, they have little else to do but to Drink, Smoke, and Whore, and to help support the Fair in its Ancient Custom of Debauchery; cozening themselves of their Time, their Families of their Money, and their dear Wives of their Company. Their Whips they wear under their Arms, as a Beau does his Hat; and tie up the ends of their Bob-Wigs in Black Bags, with a ridiculous hope of being thought Gentlemen.  
Behind these Booths is a place called the Duddery, encompassed round with Salesmen and People that fell Norwich-Stuffs, and in the Middle, abundance of Packs of that Deceitful Commodity Yorkshire-Cloth: The Sales-men Ply at their Booth-doores as they do in Long-lane; and Lugier and Tug the poor Country Folks into their Mercenary Wardrobes as if they had power to Arrest 'em; who are surely Cheated if they Buy, and almost Worried if they doubt. In the Centre of this Place stands an old weatherbeaten Pulpit, where on Sunday a Sermon is delivered, for the Edification of the Strolling Sinners, who give open Attention, as in a Field-Conventicle. Here is also great quantities of Wool, put up in Bags, which they call Pockets, weighing at least a Tun Weight: An Irish Gentleman coming by, and staring very hard upon ' 'em. By my Shoul, says he, they are the largest Featherbeds that ever I did she; I wonder how they do to turn 'em when they make ' 'em.  
On the other side the River there's a little Town, called Chesterton, in which there is the Sign of the Black Bull, where the Country Chapmen generally Lodge that come to the Fair, for the sake of rare strong humming Ale, for which 'tis famous; over which they get Drunk, Quarrel, and make Bargains, till the Fox brings 'em to Sleep, and Sleep, by the next Morning, to a Sober Repentance.  
The chief Entertainment of the Fair, is Stubble-geeses and Apple-Sauce, Fat Pig and Fly-Sauce, Bad Sack and Good Walnuts; the last of which the Citizens send as Fairings to their Wives, to Divert 'em behind the Counter, in their Husband's Absence.  
At Night, when their Booths are shut up, which is only by Skewering two Hair-cloths together, than all that are Freshmen are sought by their Acquaintance, in order to be Christened: The manner of which is thus, Two or three contrive to decoy him, or her into a Sutler's Booth, under pretence of some body being there to speak with them about Business; and then privately send for an old Fellow dignified with the Title of Lord Tap▪ from his going Armed allover with Spiggots and Fossets, like a Porcupine with his Quills, or looking rather like a Fowl wrapped up in a Pound of Sausages; who when he comes, rings his Bell over the Head of the Party, repeating these Words with an Audible Voice:  

Over thy Head I ring this Bell,  
Because thou art an Infidel;  
And I have found thee out by th' Smell:  
With a Hoxius Doxius call upon him,  
That no Vengeance may Light on him.   
Then the Party Christened chooses too out of the Company to be his Godfathers, who generally give him some very Bawdy Name; then they swear him upon the Horns, as at Highgate, make him give Tap Six pence, and spend four or five Shillings to treat the Company, and then for ever after he's free of Stir-Bitch-Fair; Of which having given myself the Satisfaction of a General Survey, I went back to Cambridge, took a Place in the Stage Coach, and returned to London.  
FINIS.