A COMEDY, CALLED The Marriage Broker: OR, THE PANDER.  
Written by M. W. M. A.  
AD ARDUA PER ASPERA TENDO   printer's or publisher's device 
LONDON, Printed in the year 1662.   

The Speakers.  

Old Goodwit; Uncle to Crab, and his Guardian.  
Crab; a young Heir.  
Elisa; Sister to Crab.  
Young Goodwit; a Traveller.  
Winifrid; Daughter to old Goodwit.  
Friendly; a Complete Gentleman.  
Shift; his Name speaks him.  
Derrick; the Marriage-Broaker.  
Dick; a Falconer.  
Grace; one that would fain be Honest.  
Tom Dove; a Huntsman.  
Lydia; a Whore.  
Hog; a Pander.  
Cunnimonger; a Bawd.  
Budge; a City Justice.  
Whittington; a Draper▪  
Constable.  
Two Sergeants.   
The Scene, London.   

The Marriage-Broaker.  

Actus primus.  

Scaena prima.  Enter Crab the young Heir, Goodwit, and Dick the Fa●coner. Goodw. 
COme Mr. Crab, tell me how you do like  
The glory of the City, and the States  
Adorn her. Say, is she belied by Fame,  
Above the truth of wonder and delight.  Cr●b. 
●a●ch 'tis a brave place; what dost thou say Dick?  Dick▪ 
You ko●w the rich complexion of my no●e  
Can ne'er abuse the sent of Country air;  
It doth 〈…〉 Reason, and inspire  
Br●●●●● 〈◊〉 ear●●● spirits: but tell us now,  
Where 〈…〉 gentle girls, those coming 〈…〉  〈…〉 
〈…〉 of myself; i'faith I'll see  
Then 〈…〉 Sir, you are yet to learn  
〈…〉 on earth;  
〈…〉 moyet unknown  
To those who want the skill to show where they  
Do rise and set, and where appear at noon;  
Which wander, which are fixed the wand'ring star  
Keeps not one sign ever, but what is now  
In Virgo, or the sign of maidenhead,  
May before long be seen in Gemini.  Dick 
Faith I do think the maidenhead a sign  
To all ●all'd she's, before that they have dwelled  
Three years i'th' tender ●eenes; a sign I mean▪  
Barely without the thing  Y●Go. 
How old I pray  
Was your dear mother then, when you were got;  
If she called you her heir.  Di k. 
Sir, I am called  
Her heir apparent, though I'm not my fathers:  
He was a Knight they say, my mother was  
A circumstance of my good Lady's chamber,  
Who at fifteen, for better and for worse,  
Was to the Falc'ner put for to be manned;  
When his good Master did it to his hand.  
'Twas said I came●▪ months before my time,  
Yet had I Dad's n'own nose, n'owo eyes, and forehead too;  
Though 'twas too narrow for his fair a ●iring.  
But I am counted of the Falc'ner's ●i●y,  
Who trained me up in his own learned skill.  Y. Goodw. 
That is to lure and lie.  Crab 
What's this tothth' Wenches?  Y. Goodw. 
Sir, I was showing they were wand'ring statrea.  
Always in motion; but their Caterer  
Will soon direct me, whom I'm sure to find  
At an old countreyman's of his, who sells  
Pierce aguardienty and tobacco.  Dick. 
Pray sir what's he you call their Caterer?  Goodw. 
He's one who makes provision for the belly●  
Squire of the Placket, he who in elder times  
Was free of this deep secret mystery.  
By the black Character on's Pagan face;  
And his unchristned sword was easily known.  
But now—  Crab. 
No more Sir, of these dreadful sights,  
Their shadows will affright me in my dreams.  Goodw. 
For your sweet comfort Sir, the thin I mean  
Is a tame beast, yclept Captain H g;  
One that's so gentle, you may boldly struck him  
The courteous kick to him's a friendly greeting  
The whip a pleasing titillation;  
The bastinado is his dear delight.  
The grand disgust adort, and the aggravio,  
He suffers with a Captain's grand couragio.  Crab. 
I'faith I love this Captain horribly;  
I long to greer him with my courteous heel,  
To boar his nose, and thankfully require  
His noble kindness with his dear delight.  
O bravely rythmed i'faith! now do I think  
How the Gallants will hug me all, and call me  
The noble spark of Sussex: in the country  
The people there will point at me, and say.  
That's he that beat the Captain Sirrah, you  
Remember to report my brave achievements.  Dick 
O, fear not Sir; I warrant you I'll sing  
Your praises most Poetically; swear  
You worsted Captain Peek at 15. weapons.  Goodw. 
What wilt thou say thy Master fought a prize?  Dick. 
I mean that to the field he challenged him  
At twenty weapons, came off clear at all,  
Without a scratch or sear; then I will show,  
How drinking with another Captain, you  
Did tweak him by th'nose about the room,  
And make him hold your most victorious stirrup  Goodw. 
What must his horse then keep him company?  Dick. 
Sir, I do now omit, how searehing then  
His Captainship, faces about, he did  
Eject him with disgrace into the street;  
Where 'twas my luck to hold my Master's steed,  
That the Soldado might perform my task.  Crab. 
Gramercy Dick i'faith; this shall be worth  
A copie-hold to thee, yfa●th lafoy  Dick. 
Thanks, good Sir, but will the Captain Caterer  
Take the battoon so kindly; I ne'er thought  
Patience a Soldiers virtue until now.  
Running away and patientness did come  
I do believe, in fashion both together.  Goodw. 
Troth Falconer thou hast flown the truth tothth' mark.  
But this procurer is indeed no Captain,  
Only he served one, robbed of his outside;  
And where he was not known, usurpted the name.  Crab. 
Though I came hither for to see the Wenches,  
Yet I will bea● this Captain first; you shall  
Entreat me hold my hands, and beg my pardon;  
Make us both friends in ●ack, and ever after  
We'll love like children and be bedfellows.  Dick. 
This is his life at home, kissing his maid's,  
Bearing his men, which must not strike again.  
Come shows some Girls, for I do know my Master  
Fain would give his cod piece-poin●s to be at her.  Good 
Come follow me I warrant you I'll show  
You game enough but do not you turn tail  Crab. 
How 〈◊〉 turn tail? ●hy wherefore 〈◊〉 me we h●●●●…;  
But let's alone, I warrant you I'll touse  
And mowze them too.  Goodw. 
So so then, come away.  Exeunt.  

Act 1. Scaen. 2.  Enter Derrick and Shift. Der. 
Make me beholding to you, Sir I pray,  
To let me know who did direct you to me:  Shift. 
Let my thanks wait upon your pardon, Sir;  
He's one that's in your debt, and happily  
Would not be known to send a second debtor.  Der. 
Faith if you come to borrow, you mistake;  
And I am richer than I thought myself,  
If any man be in my debt.  Shift 
I mean, no debt of money, but of happiness,  
And rich content in the unvalued blessing  
Of a sweet, loving, beauteous, virtuous wife.  Der. 
'Tis possible, though I think our trade  
Is laden more with curses then with prayers.  Shift 
Of what occupation then do you  
Style yourself free.  Der. 
Faith of the dealing trade,  
We are called Merchants of the Maidenhead:  
Though often I confess we do put off  
Frail ware instead of whole, that's nought to us:  
Cavea● emperor; we do promise only,  
For the outwards, do you mark me, for the  
Outwards alone; as if some youthful Gallant,  
(Suppose yourself) should now desire my grave  
Experience to direct him to a W fe  
That's fair and rich● and young, I am resolved  
It I present him w●●● these properties;  
I do profess no skill in medicine Sir;  
And ●is above my skill to know who at  
Fifteen do make maid's water, and who not;  
Who have a worm breeding i'th' tongue, who eat  
Musk comfits when they kiss whom secret Ills  
Molest, which none but mother midnight knows.  Shift. 
Leave these to my discovery, if she  
Be young and fair, and rich, (but chief rich,)  
That drug shall cure her other Ills beyond  
The skill of charming Grandam Water-witch.  Der. 
He who profe●● himself so much in debt  
To my direction, might have made you know  
The clime where my Intelligence doth reign  
Which Kents-●ike bounds upon the East, the West  
Is by the river Arun limited;  
The North by an imaginary line,  
The South is by the Sea confined; within  
This round what beauties shine, my skill can show  
Their number and degrees, now I do breathe  
Within a foreign air.  Shift. 
He gave me then  
To know as much, nor is it my desire  
To have my bliss thrown in n●y arms: I'll travail  
For it meet it, or pursue it flying;  
Only lend me your aid.  Der. 
Sir, what I●lend  
I ne'er exact again, only I take  
My Interest beforehand; but yet first  
Besides your goodly person which I'll make  
Your Mistress dote upon before she sees,  
Let me know how I shall report you else,  
Your name wealth, country, birth and parentage,  
What Jointure?  Shift. 
I have that will please a woman;  
Send me to one has power to dispose  
Of her own ourwards, as you use to call 'em;  
I have myself that shall deserve her, and  
An active brain to boot● shall win her too.  Der. 
Pray give me leave to tell your fortune, Sir.  Shift. 
Read me a good one then.  Der. 
Good as the stars  
Will yield; in whose decrees you are enrolled,  
An English younger brother, whose Estate  
Consists in his annuity and wit:  
The stars do ●ell me your annuity  
Is sold, and that your wits are roaming after.  Shift. 
After what rome's my wit?  Der. 
After your tongue.  
Which rome's before your wit; would any man  
Whose words were ushered in with knowledge say,  
He'd win a wife by his good parts alone?  Shift. 
Rich men like crafty knaves do need no brokers;  
Had I but land and gold, I'd never seek  
To your grave wisdom for direction:  
But to be short, every me with a wife,  
And claim an equal share in all my fortunes.  Der. 
I think that face would tempt a lusty widow  Shift 
He that doth woe a widow hunts the wind,  
They are too oft gone over to be caught  
By younger Brothers, they have learned a trick  
To cheat the elder now; besides I would  
Not go a beaten road  Der. 
Last night I heard  
News from my Diocese, that the great Heir  
Of Sir john Crab lately deceased, is strayed  
Wi●h one who calls himself a traveller,  
I'th' absence of a careful uncle, whom,  
His brother left a Guardian to his Child.  Shift. 
The traveller hath married her by this  
I warrant you  Der 
What married the Heir male  Shift. 
What's the Heir male to me?  Der 
We show you Sir.  
He has a sister.  Shift. 
I let's hear of her.  Der. 
Her Father living feared that she did love  
A Gentleman, whose Father's land he bought;  
He being sick, with tears besought his brother  
He would not this slip of fruitless race  
Engrafted in his stock, and by his prayers  
Doth with a promise of his faithful care;  
This uncle (says my news) intends a quest  
Of his lost Ward, arrived as he doth hear  
Out of the country in this little world  
Of London  Shift. 
I do apprehend the rest;  
That as the traveller enriched away  
The Nephew, his Guardian being absent;  
So I should steal away the Niece, while he  
Seeks for the Nephew.  Der▪ 
Still your tongue prevents  
Your wit. His trusty Huntsman he hath sent before  
To purchase fair & specious lodgings, meaning  
To show his Niece the City Shift. Herd you not  
My nose crack Sir, I feel it out of joint  
Already: for if she do see the City,  
Muskmelons of rich gallants will besiege  
Her Fort, and my cake's dough.  Der. 
Rye dough to make  
Your Image on, to be the Idents Idol.  
What does your active brain, your worthy self  
Despair? fear not, she shall not dwell so long  
I'th●town, nor her acquaintance be so cheap  
To every cringer, but believe me I  
Am poor in leisure now, see me again  
Twixt twelve and one, till then adieu,  
‛ Farewell.  Exit Derick Shift. 
This fellow though he be no Doctor, yet  
〈◊〉 a Fee, the silver key, if my  
〈◊〉 friend belies him not,  
〈◊〉 only his intelligence but makes him  
●●ar nothing by the year to thousands well  
●●pe will please him, so, he gets no hire  
〈◊〉 he deserve it; the old fox may cheat,  
〈◊〉 'tis a science in Ordinaries preached.  
●●●al to lending to be overreached.  Exit.  

Act I. Scaen 3.  Enter young Friendly and Phyllis. Friend 
Sister we are not poor, my bare annuity  
●●●l keep's alive, and had we less, content  
●ll make us rich, if our confined desires  
●●sh only to be what we are, they want  
〈◊〉 wealth, who disregard it, those who ask  
〈◊〉 daily alms do show that we are rich,  
〈◊〉 we could think so, and compare our state  
●●●h theirs, who have to give, cannot be poor.  Phil. 
Not poor? what's a bare hundred pound a year?  
●ot half the tithe of what my father sold.  Friend. 
He who desires no more than what's enough,  
●●rrows from smaller, and from greater sums  
●●th equal joy; he who doth drink no more  
●●en will extinguish thirst, is pleased as well  
●●th a small spring as with a swelling stream.  
●●d were we stripped of all, of all forlorn;  
●●re's none can be so poor as he was born.  Phil. 
Our want with this Philosophy doth well  
●gree; but yet I hope your constancy  
●●●l yield it a far less uneasy task  
〈◊〉 commend poverty, then suffer 〈◊〉  Friend 
Not so, for Wit is heaven's gift to those  
Are shaped of purer clay; but patience  
Each noble mind bestows upon itself.  Phillip 
Brother, I must confess my misery  
The less, by your example of a j●st  
And worthy scorn of F●●une's injuries.  
But the rich blessing of Elisa's love  
Doth sweeten your calamities; while I  
Wanting inviting Dowry, may receive  
Unwe come pra●ses for my Chastity:  
A virtue now clean worn out of fashion,  
Though few commend their abstinence from meat,  
Who fall because they have not what to eat.  Friend. 
The hopes of my Elisa did expire,  
When for a legacy her dying rather  
Doomed my evilement from her blessed sight:  
But he can ne'er divorce our souls, last night  
Her heavenly shape in a most lively dream  
Shadowed my fancy; I than saw, or thought  
I saw, but sure I s●w the Queen of Love  
Give her a milky Dove, fellow to that  
She sold to her Anacreon for a hymn,  
From which she borrowed instantly a quill,  
With which she writ such lines of love, the words  
Distilling loy, as if they stowed from  
A pen that's snatched from Cupid's wing; she folds,  
And seals the ●etter with a bleeding heart.  
The witness of the truth She writ, and then  
First superscribing it. To her best friend  
Friendly; she gave't her winged messenger  
To bear, when swelling joy labouring for room,  
Dissolved my sleep, and (as the Poet sings)  
I waked, and so all this was but a dream.  Phil. 
Thus the Idea of the Saint which loves  
●id honours you, presents itself both day  
●nd night to banish careful thoughts: but I—  Friend. 
Complain not sister that you are forsaken;  
You told me fortune blest you with the sight,  
Where you last summe●d, of ●he wealthy Heir  
Who lords it ●ow in my inheritance.  
Who swort by's Grandsire's and his Grandam's Saint,  
He loved you dearly  Phil. 
He did swear indeed,  
But so rustically.  Friend 
I never heard  
Of a Court fashion yet in Swearing.  
And besides the Proclamation forbids it:  
Unless he'll bestow his Charity on the poor a new way.  
But you must give me leave to tell you sister,  
Your carriage towards him, ill became your fortune,  
That when the land your father sold was thrown  
Into your lap, so proudly you refuse it;  
Nor was Elisa's brother worthy scorn.  Phil. 
What would you have me marry with a fool?  Friend. 
Great ladies now keep things with baubles sister,  
And you may teach him wit and manners too;  
And win a fame for bringing up a husband.  Phil. 
'Tis sin against a woman's modesty,  
To appear yielding at the first assault:  
But if young Crab do woe again, although  
Of an Ill name, he shall not want a glance.  Enter Dove. Dove. 
My old young Master, and my sweet young Mistress.  
Give me your golls— these are the sweetest kisses  
I had since I did see you last.  Friend. 
Tom Dove welcome to th'town.  Phil. 
This may be Venus' Dove,  
And then the dream is out.  Dove. 
You do not dream,  
I am indeed Tom Dove, your father's Huntsman;  
Who with his land for an appurtenance  
Bequeathed me to the next new Master, I  
Am now of counsel to the fair Elisa,  
Who in his letter sends you news and comfort.  Friend. 
O my presaging thoughts, do I now w●ke?  
Or did I th●n but dream? the seal agrees  Kisses the Seal. 
On which I thus and thus do taste, and seal  
My loy,  I can mask my happiness.  Dove 
O Mistress, my young Master sings your praises  
Most melodiously, he holds the fish,  
Your beauty did make water in his mouth.  Phyl 
Fie Thomas, don't belly you Mistress manners.  Dove. 
I mean that you did make his mouth to wa●er.  
And when he can clare home, he did nothing  
But sing and cap●r and caper and sing  
I'll give away my lambs, and sell away my dams  
To ●uppe with an Ewe so bonny.  Phyl. 
Well, let him keep his sheep's head to himself,  
And I will keep my maiden head. But what  
Are the effectual Ingredients  
Of your amazing Letter, which do work  
So strangely with my brother.  Dove. 
There is that,  
Will moisten his mouth too, something to purge  
His melancholy, and make the heart dance.  Friend. 
Elisa and her uncle coming up  
So suddenly!  Dove. 
I do believe they are  
Arrived by this, two days are since expired  
He received news, his lodgings were provided;  
Which time my idle care hath burnt away  
In buying knacks and toys for your sweet Mistress  
And her appendix, though my first charge was  
To visit you, but I do hope.—  Friend. 
Your pardon  
Timely prevents your suit, but yet the loss  
Of her wise brother doth amaze me, how  
Think you to hunt him out? my advice is  
To wind thy Horn about the town, he knows  
The summons.  Dove. 
Therefore he'l● not appear. Besides,  
The Citizens may take it to themselves;  
And I may pull the heard about my ears.  Phyl. 
Indeed I think him creeping in the horn  
Already; if he be not soon reclaimed,  
The Gallant hath a most becoming face  
To grace the lesser end.  Friend. 
Come leave your flouting.  
Tom, when your news hath received thanks within.  
Then take your leave to wait your Master's coming.  Exeunt.  

Act. I. Scaen. 4.  Enter Old Goodwit, Elisa, and Winifred. Old Goodw. 
Niece, your are welcome to the Theatre  
Of fond delights, the school of vanity;  
Where various sights seduce the gazer's eye:  
There to be good where nothing tempts to ill,  
Is a faint virtue of the weakest minds,  
This is a place will try your Constancy;  
Where if it stand unshaken being assailed,  
As it stood firm where there was nought to shake it;  
Though you do not increase your store of virtue.  
Yet you shall purchase glory in reserving  
Those graces which were loved, admired at home.  Elisa. 
Sir, paying first the thanks which my duty owes  
Your loving care, my promise shall secure  
Your fear, who am the Mistress of a heart  
Shall stand unshaken as a rock, against  
The fury of the waves, amidst that Sea  
Of which (they say) Venus herself was born.  Old Goodw. 
I will not sin against the soul of goodness,  
In doubting yours. Daughter you have a fair  
Example, let your imitation  
Wait on her virtues.  Win. 
Sir, I took her for  
My guide, since I first followed her, and am  
A servant to her worth, and your commands.  Old Goodw. 
You shall do well, my man hath taken fair  
And spacious lodgings for us. I do wonder  
They could not hold him to expect our coming.  
If he fly out, and my came Dove prove wild,  
I'll clip his wings; my niece and daughter, I  
Must provide questers to retrieve the stray.  
If in my absence Dove return, let him  
Know who's displeased, and why.  Elisa. 
Uncle he shall.  Old Goodw. 
And hear you, Winifrid? forget not you your charge.  Exit. Win. 
My care is ever servant to your will.  Elisa. 
Come Cousin, let me hear this secret charge.  Win. 
You do not long I hope.  Elisa. 
Not for ripe cherries  
In winter, or for oysters in the dog days:  
But I must taste this secret.  Win. 
I believe  
The relish will displease, but now I think on't.  
Last night I had the sweetest dream, me thought—  Elisa. 
I will not give a farthing for your thought;  
What task was that my uncle charged you with?  Winifrid 
Then I'll disclose what I did mean to keep  
Close as my maidenhead; a sweet young gallant  
Catching my work, did feel his wantonness  
Revenged with my sharp needle, on which chance  
He writ such piteous verses in the blood  
Which my Stiletto drew; 'twould grieve your heart  
To hear his sad laments, he finely swore  
My little Instrument was Cupid's dart.  
And though the god were blind, his darts could see,  
Therefore he said my needle had an eye:  
Then he protested the blood wherewith he writ  
Came from his heart, which he did call the spring  
Of Love and Sorrow.  Elisa. 
Cousin you are unkind,  
To cheat me with delays; your father did  
Appoint me your example: when I pray  
Did you find me a niggard of my thoughts?  
Are you not conscious of all my secrets,  
As if you dwelled within me; I love not  
This niceness, but if needs we must be strangers.  Win. 
Pray heaven I have not gotten you with child.  
I'm sure you have no other bedfellow.  Elis. 
Yes Winifrid, I have; whom might I once embrace▪  
A man of rich desert.  Win. 
Benedicite! a man lie with us, and I feel him not?  Elis. 
You oft have known me name my servant Friendly,  
'Tis he I mean, his virtues dwell with me:  
And the blessed shape enshrines them to my thoughts  
Is ever present; you have seen his tokens,  
Herd our loves first beginning, but now you—  Win. 
No more, if you'll be ignorant of nothing,  
Prepare your ears to hear unwelcome news;  
My charge is to preserve you from the sight  
Of him you daily see, who nightly lies  
With you, your Filendly; whom my father hears  
To be in town, and sears you'll find a way  
To let him know of yours; my office is  
To intercept his visit.  Elis. 
Will you then  
Prove traitor unto love? Cousin beware,  
His godhead will revenge your treachery;  
But yet you know him not: if he should act  
Our tailor's man, or bring us woman's knack●  
To sell, how would your skill discover him?  Win. 
My father told me of a mole he had  
By his right eye, that sign will betray him.  Elis. 
That mole was given by the god of love;  
Who lighting once a taper at his eye,  
The bashful Lad putting it by, received  
That ornament which Cupid cauterised;  
Who unto those who wear his livery  
Will be propitious in their worthy Loves▪  Win. 
May he have fortune equal to his wish;  
And if you can devise a way to see him,  
And I not forfeit my obedience,  
My aid shall not be wanting.  Elis. 
Now I am  
Restored▪ I will go study, he shall act  
Some new adventure to advance our hope  
Shall shame times past, instruct the time to come.  Fxcunt.   

Act. II.  

Scaen. 1.  Enter Derrick. Der. 
I do suspect that I do wait at home  
For some poor needy Gallant, whose estate  
Consists in his good clothes, a handsome face,  
And a clean leg to boot; I did forget  
To ask his name, but I do swear it is  
Unworthy of my knowledge; if he pass  
His hour, he shall find my word is cancelled.  Enter Shift. Shift. 
I've justly kept my time Sir.  Der. 
Then time cannot  
Say you have kept her ill.  Shift. 
And time keeps me as well.  
For I do live extempore.  Der. 
I have been looking o'er my list, to fit  
Your turn; which doth contain of maids fourscore,  
Between 15. and five and twenty, three  
From thence to 30. after which time, they  
Are counted maids of the Religion.  Shift. 
Pray Sir let's see this map of Maidenheads.  Der. 
For my own memory I'll produce it;  
I did describe my contemplations  
For my own use, and not for others study.  puts on his spectach● 
I must put on my seeing instruments,  
For to survey this land of Amazons.  Shift. 
I fear you do see double with those eyes,  
And may mistake 2. thousand pound for one.  
Pray look for me the most alluring outwards.  Der. 
I shall, the first Region comprehends  
The maiden beauty, called Virginia:  
And this is thought to be a fertile land,  
New only wanting the good husband's tillage.  should. 
That should not want, were I its Governor.  Der. 
To each my sure experience hath affixed  
Their portion, feature, age, their birth and breeding.  
This other side I have designed for Widows,  
Called by some the Island of Japan,  
A rich and open country; though some think  
'Tis not the sweetest air; this is divided.  
'Mongst Widows of the first, second and third head,  
The portion of which last is counted barren.  should ft 
But there are Widows of more heads than three.  Der. 
True, but my page doth fill with none but those  
Which are in danger, Sir, of Matrimony.  
Those of the fourth head solace may themselves  
In what is past, and with their toothless gums  
Chew on the pleasures of their youth, but few  
Can grace 5. fingers with five wedding-rings.  
And the example of the wife of Bath  
Is in my reading singular.  Shift. 
I see  
That your inquisitive experience  
Hath left a blank for more discoveries.  D●r. 
A wight did come to me for help,  
As you do now, did find my other map, and writ  
Terra incognita in the empty space.  Shift. 
What's that I pray?  Der. 
That's land undiscovered,  
Which doth invite us unto farther search.  Shift. 
But there are some unmarried, neither maids  
Nor widows, are all such Utopians  
In your Geography?  Der. 
If you desire  
One that's so qualified, I'll fit you too.  Shift. 
No Sir, I only did desire to know  
Their place and order in your table.  Der. 
These  
Are registered alone in my black book;  
Of these m● Diocese doth yield but few,  
And those transpla●●●●d to the city first,  
Thence sent unto the place from whence they came.  Shift. 
Pray Sir instruct me fully in your table;  
What mean those lines are drawn hither from thence?  
Right and obliqne, to and again, much like  
The picture of a ship.  Der 
Where I am known,  
They call't my ship; for on the welcome Eve  
Of Valentine, once every year, I draw  
My Table new; then I expunge those names  
Belong not to my office, and adopt new.  
When unto those complain of want of wives,  
They use to say that Derrick's ship's come home.  Shift. 
But for the lines.  Der. 
These I may rightly call  
Lines of proportion, which do point you out  
The equal matches in the odds of portion.  Shift. 
I understand you not.  Der. 
As for example,  
This obliqne line drawn from the letter I  
Annexed unto a maid that's fair and young,  
Whose whole estate is but an hundred pound;  
And ending in the letter O prefixed  
Unto a widow of the second head  
That's valued at a thousand, doth demonstrate  
These matches Geometrically even.  Shift. 
Trust me your Schemes most mathematically  
Exact and curious: but I pray demonstrate  
A true proportion in the difference  
Of Dowry 'twixt the maids.  Der. 
This doth appear  
In these lines which are perpendicular;  
As thus, the line which falls from the same I,  
Upon the letter T, annexed unto  
A maid that wants an ey●● and Elder by  
Ten years, though she exceed 9● hundred pound,  
Doth show the Matches most exactly equal.  Sh. 
Give me old one eyed I with her full weight,  
Then young I with two eyes, so much too light;  
Let's hear a reason of your confident  
Assertion.  Der. 
Suppose their age were equal,  
Y five years younger, and I five years elder;  
Divide nine hundred into equal parts,  
Fifty, besides four hundred in a part.  
T is the worse two hundred for the want  
Of her one eye, add hereunto five years  
You did subtract, and she is worth two hundred  
And fifty more, there you have half the sum;  
From I deduce five years, and count her eye  
Into the match, and the whole summs abated.  Shift. 
Somewhat obscure, but yet I apprehend.  
Five years' Increase can make a wife the cheaper  
By one in five, than an eye wanting can.  Der. 
Most righteous truth, O age, age, age in women;  
'Tis their chief fear, because the scorn of men.  Shift. 
And which in all your List wish you me to  Der. 
Faith here is one, if you could like her nose;  
She's rich enough.  Shift. 
What ails her nose?  Der. 
There grows  
A mole upon't so like a bunch of grapes.  
That if you love 'em you can scarce forbear  
The tasting, when her mother was with child  
With her, longed for grapes, at the first minute  
Some smell disliking her; she stopped her nose;  
And this they says the cause: but 'tis time I  
Put up my pipes● This Gentleman is needy.  Shift. 
Good Sir, before you ease, let's see the place  
Of her you said was coming to the City.  Der. 
She with her uncle, as I here's arrived;  
She's my Inprimi●, nineteen years her age,  
Her Dowry full 500 pounds a year.  
Besides her plate and jewels.  Shift. 
Good Sir inform me,  
Where's her lodging;  Der. 
In my pocket now.  
Make me beholding to you for your name,  
Before we part.  Shift. 
My name doth call me Shift.  Der. 
It truly calls you then, a cleanly Gentleman,  
I shall report you so. Farewell.  Shift. 
Nay Sir,  
We'll greet in Sack before we part, I ●we  
A greater debt to your discourse● that wine  
Vnlocks his breast, but shall my wits refine.  Ex.  

Act. II. Scaen. 2.  Enter Goodwit, Hog, Crab, Falconer. Goodw. 
Captain, how far the Ladies of the Lake?  
Your Mistresses by the Thames side, those Sirens,  
Whose beauty and enchanting voice invite  
The heedless passenger, do they reside  
At their old shade? or have they changed their shore?  Hog. 
To shame the devil, their dilapidation  
Hath made them stand in need of reparation:  
They are now in re-edifying Sir.  Goodw. 
What new ware have you then come in, you dare  
Command to an old friend or a new: will give  
The highest price.  Hog. 
Sir I have fresh and new,  
Was never yet broke up to see the Sun,  
My good old Mistress Niece, one newly weaned  
From milking, and who hath not yet forgot  
To rise betimes i'th' morning, she is now  
Learning to swear and talk bawdy, poor fool;  
I never saw a worse proficient:  
But she is dear, she must not yet fall down  
Unto the hackney price.  Goodw. 
Let thy old Mistress  
Know, I have seen the Indies since I saw her,  
And brought home gold untried, survey that Gallant,  
He is a man of gold.  Hog. 
Of gold untried, You mean.  Falcon. 
The Captain doth abuse you Sir,  
You hear him say, your metal is untried:  
Let his ears feel the valour he suspects.  Crab. 
His looks are too Captainical for me,  
They kill at least a mile before he's seen;  
Thou knowst that I am merciful, for once  
I'll pardon him, tell him my clemency.  Fale. 
Yes, with a witness; Captain, or Captain not,  
Know that my Master's of approved might;  
He sl●w the Sussex dragon in the field.  Good. 
Put in, without an Allegory too.  Fale. 
I know not what your Allegories mean,  
But I am sure he slew him; yet I see  
Him couch his conquering lance against the beast,  
Which now with many doublings doth advance  
His speckled belly 'gainst the hardy Knight;  
I'll leave the rest unto a Poet's quill.  Hog. 
A Poet's fiction merits no belief.  Fal. 
This is a story, and you must believe't;  
The skin of the foul fiend is to be seen  
In his great hall, would make the blood recoil  
Out of your meazeled face, think you I lie?  Crab. 
O do not anger him; indeed 'tis true,  
I dare not in the dark pass through my hall,  
For fear of seeing it.  Good. 
The Captain shall,  
Believe the wonder, and report it too.  Fale. 
'Tis his best way; this is his eleventh labour,  
And this wild boar shall be the twelfth, if he  
Injure his valour with the least suspicion.  Hog. 
I'll not believe upon compulsion neither;  
But for the Signior Don Francisco's sake,  
I will embrace his worth.  Crab. 
O by no means,  
My worth loves no embracing, I shall ne'er  
Abide that look, Dick.  Fale. 
Thened shall not offend you,  
Hog's face about.  Hog. 
Dog's face come out▪ I will  
Not turn my back for thee not He●cules.  Good. 
Nay then I see we must arrest his arms,  
Captains should teach their soldiers to obey  
By their example.  Crab. 
Good Senior hold him fast,  
Awake my sleeping courage, now I come,  
My courteous valour greets the Captain's bum.  He kicks him. Good. 
I fear you'll beat a hole into his drum.  Falc. 
'Tis good to remove the cold theums from's stomach;  
But I believe the physic doth not work;  
He spits for't, give him t'other dram.  Hog. 
My stomach's not so cold, but this foul wrong  
Hath soon inflamed it; shall the noble race  
Of Boca di la porca be disgraced,  
And suffer with an ass' patience?  Falc. 
Divorce your hand▪ good Captain, from your hilt,  
Or with his breath he'll blow you into Atoms.  Hog. 
I care not for his strongest blasts, he'll find  
The Hog foreseeing can prevent the wind.  Crab. 
For once I'll buy your patience with a Fee,  
Nay keep your distance, for this price you shall  
Report that I subdued your stubbornness  
To my subjection, and did make you yield  
Your slavish neck to my insulting heel.  Hog. 
I will proclaim your bounty, equal to  
Your valour Sir, and both superlative.  
This shall buy sacrifice for good S. Crispin,  
St. Martin's playfellow, this day is his;  
The night to Crispianus is designed.  Crab. 
Is this day Crispin's▪ and I not know it?  
Frolic my hearts, this day is my birth day;  
I do remembered very well, between  
The hours of twelve and one i'th' afternoon,  
That's about this time, I'm about one & twenty:  
Here's think for to buy sacrifice, we'll make  
A merry night for Crispianus sake.  Good. 
You now like a new Officer should show  
Your power, this one and twenty'th Crispin should.  
Heighten your thoughts, & infuse new designs,  
To make your servants and your tenants know  
They now are subject to a new Lord & Master.  Crab. 
And well remembered: Dick, you said you spied  
My uncle here in town, no matter what  
His business is, but you shall take my horse and  
Ride to my Farm i'th' wild, command my Bailie  
To sell a hundred weathers, but be sure  
You bring the money instantly.  Falc. 
Before that he hath fold ena, he will never do't.  
Besides, he fears your uncle.  Crab. 
I will send  
My uncle and him both packing, if they  
Displease me, here's my Father's seal, go write  
And I'll subscribe, make haste, the moon doth shine;  
I do not mean to sleep till thy return.  F●l. 
L●t not my slowness make you lose your sleep●●  
But if I fall, blame sun, or the knave bailie.  F●●●. Gord. 
When you are ready you know where to find us.  Crab 
Captain, you shall not see the gentle croft  
This night; I'll be your Saint, and bun●●h Crispin  
And Crispinnus from the Calendar.  Hog. 
Sir by your leave, a Crab must first be boiled.  
Before he can be written in red letters.  Good. 
He's written in red letters there already.  
St. So●●n Cancer is his holiday.  Crab. 
Well, leave your scossing; when we have dispatched  
This Embassy, we'll burn away the day.  
And night to boot, in wenching, drink, & play.  Goodw. 
The thought of one and twenty hath trans-shaped him;  
This humour doth become you, let it not cool;  
Who's chaste and sober now, is thought a sool.  Ex●unt. Elisa. 
How? you a lawyer, that is very strange.  Dove. 
Truer than strange, ●'me sure ●●●ve spent my Fee,  
Before that I have made my motion,  Elisa. 
What motion mean you?  Dove. 
That's a strange thing,  
You must be Judge too.  Elis. 
That is nothing strange,  
'Tis long ago since I knew how to judge  
'Twixt one that weighs his word and he which speaks▪  
What others not himself doth understand.  Dove. 
My meaning's that my motion's unto you.  Elis. 
'Tis very likely then that you shall speed.  Dove 
Nay but I shall not, and besides I will not.  El. 
You are an honest Lawyer to your Client.  D●ve. 
Honest as any Lawyer of them all.  Else. 
But what's the motion?  Dove. 
'Tis for a sufer.  Elis 
And what's his sure?  D●ve. 
Your humble Orator  
De●●es a he●●●ng in the Chancery of Cupid.  Bless. 
He's a fool, for love doth keep  
No court of conscience, but for your sake  
His su●e shall be no sooner heard then ended;  
But now in earnest say who is this suitor?  Dove 
'Tis not an hour since the old Placket-broaker  
Our neighbour Derrick sends for me to a tavern.  
Commends the worth of a young Callant to me:  
Who worthily bestowed the pains to lay  
Him fast asleep; this Gallant is my Client;  
If Detrick lies not, he can easily spend  
Two hundred pound a month.  Elis. 
'Tis no great skill.  
To spend a thousand. e'er since I was 13.  
This knave hath talked of sending suitors to me,  
But when's this day of hearing?  Dove. 
Instantly,  
Soon as his Barber can wash in soap,  
And wring him, sirk up his forehead, Height him  
And dight him, point his beard, excite his wit;  
Have at you then i'faith.  Elis. 
I am prepared;  
O ●he mysterious arts, and ways of love?  
While others with unmanly care do plume  
Their starched looks, to bait the heediess eye;  
My Friendly to achieve his hopes, must take.  
A-shape that's loathed and fearful in their eyes,  
Who know not what's concealed in the disguise.  Dov 
How Mistres●l these are miseries indeed.  Biis. 
Thomas, you know Venus hath signed my love  
With her own seal, to know him if he stray.  Dove. 
His mole you mean.  Elis. 
You guess aright, my uncle  
Discovered to my cousin Win this mark,  
Which must exelude him from my sight, or she  
Forfeits a father's blessing; therefore he  
Shall serve me in a Blackamoor's disguise.  Dove. 
I apprehend the rest, that be my care;  
This is my Client knocks, I will retire.  knocks within. El. 
Be within hearing you may take him.  
If that the siege be hot, or last too long.  Enter Shift. Dove. 
Sir you are welcome, Venus prosper you.  Shift. 
Lady, I have brought a servant to you, sent  
By one whose wishes gladly wait on yours.  Elis. 
Sir, let me beg your pains, to carry back  
His gift with thanks, which do attend his care.  Shift. 
Sweet do not slain your beauty with a sin.  
To scorn the offered presence of a friend.  Elis. 
If you do think me haughty or ingrate,  
I'll not unlade you Sir of your opinion;  
You have free leave to carry hence that burden.  Shift. 
I would not, fair one, carry hence your scorn,  
Which doth oppress me with a heavy load;  
Rather let it afflict me here, the slave  
Your friend did send will sadly bear your yoke,  
Though I dare say he may deserve your favour.  Elise. 
Pray Sir let's hear his worthy properties,  
Dances he on the rope, or tumbles, wears  
He a fool's coat to make his mistress merry?  Shift. 
All these, 'tis his desire to be a fool;  
That's to be fortunate: and now he's like  
One dancing on the ropes, ready to fall;  
And only ballast with the pole of Hope;  
But if you'll see him tumble, you shall find  
Him active in his vaulting, and he'll run  
Through a small hoop with great agility.  Elis. 
I may take money to show him Sir,  
Will pay his hire, and keep his Mistress too.  Shift. 
He'll keep her like a Queen; the envious Sun  
Shall not with Rays (which yield to here's) impair  
Her guarded beauties; the earth, air and sea  
Shall pay their tribute to her taste, her bed  
Shall be as soft as air, as Phoenix' nest  
Perfumed; and as the sun breaks from the East,  
So shall she rise, and where she shines, the day  
Shall be more bright by her peculiar ray.  Elis. 
He must have richer qualities can do  
These fea●s, can he not sing and fiddle too?  Shift. 
He'll sing his Mistress worth, and he will play  
Such music, she will laugh incontinent,  
If she'll vouchsafe to be his instrument:  
But the best quality my truth can boast,  
Is my service, love, and loyalty.  Elis. 
Why do you name yourself? are you that servant?  
Pray speak the name of my good friend that sent you.  Shift. 
I am that he, that sent and brought myself.  
Know dearest Lady, 'tis the property,  
And the reward of worth, that 'twill not be  
Concealed▪ your fame invited me to see,  
To love and honour you, and to present  
My person and my fortunes for a gift.  Elis. 
They need no fortunes who are so l●dow'd:  
Nature and art have so enriched you,  
That you should injure them, to throw you merits  
On any that's unable to deserve,  
Or to require them; and let me beg of you  
To add this more unto your rich deserts,  
My pardon of their too unequal welcome.  Shift. 
She's taken, taken by the art of man;  
My pretty sweetness, taste my clemency  
In this absolving kiss; this seals thy pardon;  
Musk, civet, ne●t●r, marrow of them all,  
And all that's sweet do in her kisses meet,  
These kisses are dry sweet-moats, pretty mouse,  
They'll not extinguish thirst, nor cool the heat  
Of panting love, let us in private feast  
Our mutual desires with liquid cates.  
And juicy gawdles of unvalued rates.  Elis. 
This fellow sure is ti●vall'd from himself;  
Friend if you are at home, I'd speak with you.  
Think not a tavisht le●sse a pattern of love;  
It is a favour which I'll not deny  
To the bare outside of a Gentleman,  
Which you do seem to wear; but know, ●ude sit,  
That your ungentleness denies yourself  
That cur●e●ie is owing to your shape.  
For my sake practise manners, or else choose  
A Mistress who will suffer your abuse.  Enter Dove. Dove 
Did you call; Eli I ●●●ant so; wait me in.  Exeunt; manet Shift. Shift. 
She's gone, fled, vanished, so are all my hopes;  
Shame ghost the counsel of this broking fool;  
Whose sober thoughts were so precisely nice,  
They concealed where this wealthy beauty shined,  
But when the spirit of the Sack had thawed  
His frozen tongue, in hope to share the pray,  
He speedily unfolds her whole condition,  
And counsels me to look; my son, says he,  
This is a name of prosperous presage  
With me, which I vouchsafe to give to those  
Are by my care promoted to a Bride.  
My Son, first know that Love a warfare is,  
Where the Commander fights with stratagems  
And courage, he doth bribe the Officers  
For to betray their charge; if this not take,  
He springs the wall, that valour may prevail  
In those designs, where subtlety did fail:  
So when thou wooest, see those are near thy Mistress;  
The Chamber Secretary, or the man  
Carries her private errands, (than he sent  
For th' ●…oman of the dogs to practise on)  
But if this fail, ●ssay to make a breach,  
Women are brittle Clay, and made to yield▪  
Where manhood shows his standard in the field.  
This he called counsel of War May he thrive,  
Like to the sage advice he did contrive.  Enter Dove. Dove 
What, at your afternoon's devotion sir?  Shift 
Yes, I was praying, Sir, for the adversity  
Of the old knave that made us two acquainted.  Dove 
Believe me, prayer is now out of fashion;  
But let not that poor fool afflict your brain;  Shift. 
But I may send my wishes after him;  
Cassandra's misery still wait on him;  
May truth he speaks, wander, and never find  
Any believing eat to entertain it,  
That when he preaches youth wi●h vows  
And sinewy succulent to wealthy widows,  
They may be infidels to all his doctrines;  
Be he the marked Owl, hooted and cried  
Into contempt by all the country youth  
That is unwiv'de, and may all maids that see  
This cheating vizor vow virginity.  Dove. 
Suffer this shadow vinish from your thoughts.  
And be advised by me; let not your hopes  
Cool in a saint discouragement, because  
Your Mistress gave no adieu at parting;  
'Twas only a maid's niceness, not to seem  
Too soon o'ercome; invade her with some gift  
May speak your love to him, win her's to you.  Shift. 
I did invade her, and that fiercely too;  
But that's the misery, she doth not love  
Invading; and if gifts could take her, freely  
I made a tender of myself and fortunes.  Dove 
Coureship exactly needy, let her know  
The richness of your love; dear Sir your bounty  
To me makes me your friend and servitor;  
I know a Blackamoor whose properties.  
Your knowledge will confess, deserve promotion,  
He sings well, dances, fences, and to grace  
These qualities, he can vaticinate  
Your Fortunes, and the dark events of Fate,  
Unhappily.  Shift. 
Yet happily his skill  
May fail; but why such pains to paint  
This smootie piece, with beauteous praise? if you  
Can paint the Devil white, what's that to me?  Dove. 
I'll tell you what, he now doth mourn his want  
Of service, in the loss of an old Master.  Shift. 
He's of the mourning colour, right indeed,  
And d●de in grain; but truly I need none,  
That tells strange fortunes, or laments his own.  Dove. 
Nay if you are so wise, at once to spell  
And scoff my purpose, good Sir farewell.  Shift. 
Be not offended friend, if my despair  
Make me inquisitively suspicious  
Of any powerful means, for to advance me  
In the high favour of the blessed Elisa.  
But what for Love's sake of this Blackamoor?  Dove. 
Advance him in the service of your Mistress,  
His honest thanks will twenty ways requite you;  
He will belly your Fortunes, swear what lordships  
Do call you Master, and what goodly houses  
Do mourn your absence, what delightful gardens  
Will freshly spring upon your wedding day,  
Being quickened with your Bride's desired ray;  
Then he will show how you bestow your time;  
How you do number minutes by your sighs,  
And that your tongue each quarter strikes Ilisa.  Shift. 
Thanks honest friend; but dost thou think she will  
Accept him from me?  Dov. 
If his proper worth  
Did not commend him, yet her manners can  
Not well refuse what courtesy bestows.  Shift. 
I prithee send him to me speedille.  Dove. 
Within this hour we'll wait you at your lodging.  Shift. 
Till then adieu; this is good husbandry.  
To give what's dear to keep, and cheap to buy.  Exeunt.   

Act III. Scaen. 1.  Enter Crab, Lydia, Goodwit, Mrs. Cunnimeng●r, Hog. Crab. 
Cheer up my little melancholy mouse,  
This is the hour which blessed the fatal world  
With my auspicious birth, cheer up I say;  
I will reward this joy, here's gold to buy  
Thee pins, here's more to purchase busks▪ and laces;  
And for thy Aunt, here woman hold thy hand,  
Here's price for suppage; you noble Frank, and you  
Captain, with this and this, carouse a health  
Unto your Sovereign, that's I; this day  
I'll be your King.  Goodw. 
Marry and shall, great Sir,  
For Neptune in his regions cannot show  
A fairer King  Hog. 
Then your Highness is.  Mrs. Cun. 
May happiness be my fellow handmaid  
Unto your worth, which crowns you King of bounty.  Hog. 
Fond woman, leave thy timorous devotion,  
Awake my drowsy blade, and boldly dare  
Blind Fortune to forsake this royal wight,  
That is to be herself unfortunate.  Crab. 
Treason against my royal Majesty,  
Good subjects all arrest the treacherous fleet.  lid 
F●e Michael, are not you ashamed to draw  
〈◊〉 naked sword in so great a presence?  Hog. 
If I thought any treachery, may you,  Hog. 
If I thought any treachery, may you,  
Your Aunt, and all the women of the City  
Prove honest; that is, may I be quite undone.  Crab. 
For once I'll pardon you my own mistake,  
But for the honour of the day; this sword  
Shall not be waked in vain, come kneel you all,  
Your loyal tie becomes you, which I'll honour  
By dubbing you all Knights and Ladies rise  
Sir Francis Curtis, and Sir Captain Hog,  
Knights of the noble order of the Crab:  
Rise you a toothless Lady of the same.  Goodw. 
Under your pardon, liege Lord, you might  
In more decotum dub Sir Michael Hog  
With sword of Baeon, then with Knightly arms.  Crab. 
Your pardon graciously prevents your chiding.  
Because you begged it e'er you did offend.  
You are too bold to interrupt my course,  
And I do make my Queen to kneel too long.  
Arise my Empress, for a day,  
My love, my dove, for ever and aye.  Goodw. 
Now Mrs. Cunnimonger, thy dull faith may see  
What I oft told thee, that I was thy better  
Genius, to guide good fortune to thy home;  
Whose blindness else could never find the way;  
In gratefulness let thy devotion then  
Build Altars to my bounty, and enshrine  
Your great protecting power in beds of down;  
On which your humbleness must sacrifice  
The first fruits of mature beauties, and their  
Sweet maiden honours to my just desires.  
Which merits more than naked thanks can pay.  Mrs. Con. 
Sir I am wholly yours, what would you more?  Good. 
What would you more? is thy cold putrid corpse  
An equal recompense, to my rich desert?  
You should have wracked your ingrate fancy, to  
Devise a thousand ways for my delight.  
You should incontinently send this meazled page  
To cater for my taste, untasted beauties;  
But now you're wholly mine, what should I more●  Mrs. Cun. 
My meaning was, that my endeavours sweat  
For your content, and all I can call mine  
I freely prostitute to your command.  Hog. 
And fear not Sir, I will present you fruits  
In full maturity, readle to fall;  
But never yet did suffer bruise by falling;  
Yet stirred with your gentle breath, their fall  
Shall (as your servant) lowly wait your call.  Goodw. 
Then I will gild thy fangs, officious swine,  
And thou shalt wear my cloth of richest bice,  
Shall make thee known by the right famous name  
Of the blue Boar of the Bankside; but while  
We talk away the day, our Sovereign  
Is still as night; awake, most mighty Sir,  
And bless us with the story of your dream.  Crab. 
Why I was thinking how unkind, and most  
Unnatural fool, my wretched father was.  
And that which grieves my Highness most, they say,  
I am so like him.  Mrs. Cun. 
Let not untimely grief  
Eclipse the birthday of your Majesty;  
'Tis in your power to be like whom you please,  
Now then be like yourself, that is a King.  Crab. 
I will be like to any man, before  
Such an old, doting, and penurious drivel.  Lyd. 
Now by my truly it doth ill beseem  
Your sonship to revile your father thus.  Crab. 
Peace Chicken; I may call him any thing  
Now he's dead, and would that I had known  
Him such a coxcomb while he was alive.  
I would have better tutoured him, i'faith l●.  Goodw. 
Though Princes need not show a reason of  
Their sayings▪ yet, dread Sir, give us to know  
The cause of this opinion of your father.  Crab. 
First than you shall swear I am not like him.  Hog. 
What e'er ill mannered tongue dares to affirm,  
Our royal Prince is like the Clown his father;  
This often well approved steel defies him,  
Whose righteous point shall stop the mouth of slander.  Good. 
Sir, by your worth and virtues I do swear,  
This confirms you most unlike your father,  
Who never was guilty of worth or virtue.  Mrs. Cun. 
Sir, I do swear you are most like to him  
Whom most you ever loved, your lovely self.  Crab. 
Whom best I ever loved, is naught to thee;  
●me sure 'twas not my father: but whom now  
I love and ever shall, is my sweet Queen,  
Who now must kiss the book before she swear.  Lyd. 
Then by my maidenhead I swear, for I  
Have learned to swear by nothing else, that you  
Are so unlike unto your worthless Sire,  
That loving you I hate his memory.  Crab. 
Then listen Knights and Ladies to my tale,  
My doting daddie (most unworthy he  
Of such a hopeful son) when he lay sick,  
(Most worthy he for to be ever sick,  
But that he was more worthy to be dead:)  
Fearing his death was nigh, in foolish spite.  
Deprived his heir the blessing of his life.  Mrs. Cun. 
O cruel man, O most unnatural father!  Crab. 
First, on that blessing which he then di● fear  
Would be his last, he charged me I should ne'er  
(Unless I were perplexed with suits in Law.)  
Behold this glorious and delightful City,  
Which he then called expensive, proud and vale  Hog. 
O most ignoble slander! and the foul  
That ever stained the mouth of Gentleman.  Crab. 
But that he is descended from myself,  
My royal self, he were no Gentleman;  
But that's not all; next this, my son, said he,  
Abstain from stranger women, that's as I  
Interpret it, taste not fair Lydia's sweetness.  Good. 
I rather think he meant that you should feast  
Upon no other dainties, she must be  
No stranger to you; is she not your Queen?  Crab 
Faith I could give thee leave to beat 〈◊〉 Frank,  
If I did love it; what a dolt was I,  
To think my Lydia was a stranger to me?  Goodw. 
Your royalty has power to absolve  
Itself, great Sir, from a far greater crime.  Mrs. Cun. 
Well, if your father's cruelty did lay  
Any more such commands upon your Youth,  
It will become your age and noble virtue,  
With speed to disobey his cruelty.  Crab. 
Thy words persuade me: if they do not come  
Under the name of counsel, I'll not be  
Counselled by any she in Christendom.  Mrs Cun. 
The heavens bless thee from all other counsel  
But what thy own discretion shall suggest.  Crab 
Well said, this night we'll sup with thee, here's gold  
To buy engendering meats. I like my Father?  
My Lydia adieu until the evening.  Lyd. 
May mirth still wait on you till your return.  Mrs. Cun. 
Farewell till then, sweet man, and I'll take care  
That then, than thou there's none shall better far.  Exeunt Cun. & Lydia. Crab, 
Come noble Frank, how shall we overcome,  
Or (as some say) beguile these tedious hours?  Goodw. 
Nay as you please, this day your Kingdom lasts;  
You may command these winged posts to fly  
With greater speed, or slowly for to wait  
Your will; but if you please, we'll hear a Play.  Crab. 
Content i'faith, they say they are brave things.  Good. 
They are the truest Image of all Humours,  
Manners, Conditions; there you may behold  
The many winding arts of subtle slaves,  
Who ●ike a Cu●tle do conceal their fraud  
In th' it own Ink, while they exonerate  
The old suspicious Father's purse, to store  
The thriftless Sons; here may you see the vain  
And boasting Soldiers, talking wounds & scars,  
To comfort his long fasting steel with  
Of some ensuing bloody feast, and here  
Is seen presented the penurious Heir.  
The lively image of his Father's manners,  
As the Comedian is of his; but you  
Are made of purer clay, sifted and strained  
From all your Father's dregs; whose tender age  
Did ne'er own Folly for to feed the Stage.  Crab. 
Thou knowst I am no Niggard, and my Father  
Was wont to say I had a Courtly humour,  
To which he often did profess such hate,  
As now▪ me thinks, I long to be a Courtier.  Goodw. 
Sir, the first Element of a Courtier is  
To be in Debt, the Cris cross is the last.  Crab. 
Let me alone, I'll learn that lesson quickly  
If that thy care will purchase me a Book,  
I mean a man of legible belief.  Goodw. 
Doubt not of store of Horn-books in the City;  
But know, that my presaging care prevents  
Your wishes; I appointed to observe  
This road and hour a Draper, whom I meant  
To practise Courtship on myself, and if  Enter Whittington 
You please, he is your Book, & you may read  
Faith in his looks; & timely here he comes,  
Mr. Whittington, a good and happy day  
Shine fair success unto your Busy thoughts.  Whit. 
They meet with good success in meeting you,  
And I will that day's happiness commend,  
Which blesseth us with the sight of an old friend  Good. 
I now pronounce you happy in a new,  
That is, I will enrich you with the knowledge  
Of this deserving Gentleman, whom when  
You have read throughly, you'll maintain, that all  
Are Dunces which are ignorant of h●m.  Whit. 
Grant me your favour, noble Sir, to study you,  
That I may thrive in goodness by the great  
Example of your most amazing worth.  Crab. 
I am no Conjuring book, to be locked up  
From public view; you have fair leave and free,  
Lo I unclasp myself unto your reading  Good 
To grace you Sir, his outward worth alone  
Shall fill large pages in your Common-place Book;  
Where at your leisure, you with joy may read  
Yourself enrolled in number of the Faithful.  Whit. 
He'll highly grace me; would he try my Faith?  Crab 
Gramercy honesty; when I am Sheriff,  
I'll prove thy Faith for half a hundred Liveries.  Goodw. 
Mean while make trial of his Faith for one,  
You see my upper garments course and thin,  
Make me in this your servant, and by th' Faith  
Of Mr. Whittington I'll ever call you Master.  Crab. 
Thou injur'st much thyself, to take upon thee  
This dear condition, and thy friend to boot,  
That dost prevent his bounty by thy suit;  
For that which he should pray thee to accept,  
Command my word, for as my word commands  Good. 
Let it be of the finest black I pray Sir,  
And, for you know I am no Hypocrite,  
D pose for an equality of Plush;  
I love to have my garments like myself,  
Though plain without, yet richly lined within.  Whit. 
It shall be done Sir, and upon my credit,  
The outside shall be like yourself, that is,  
A traveller from Spain; although I dare  
Say, that the nap shall not be worn so bare.  Crab. 
I pray you Sir acquaint me with some time  
Of leisure you can grace me at my lodging;  
Some urgent business now calls loudly on us,  
Or else this afternoon should not divorce us.  Good. 
That was well spoken Sir & gracefully.  Whit. 
To wait on you, each minute yields me leisure,  
Who now am more your servant then the times.  Good. 
Each morning doth confine him to his studies.  
You cannot miss him then within, since you  
Have made him now more bookish than he was.  Whit. 
His nobleness commands my often visits;  
But at this time my business equals yours,  
Though I in all things else am most unequal;  
Therefore I'll beg your leave to take my leave.  Crab. 
Farewell till next we meet, my faithful Friend.  Good. 
Adieu kind Sir; come Master let's away,  
'Tis almost time we now were at the Play.  Exeunt. Enter Dove and Elisa. Dove 
Prepare your eyes and ears, the Scene is ready;  
Your servant acts the Blackamoor so well,  
You cannot easily know him for your Friendly.  Elis. 
Not know him? 'tis a slanderous untruth,  
To say a slight disguise can hid his graces:  
Were he involved within a cloudy mist  
By some mysterious charm, a lover's eye  
Can chase away those mists, and make them sly  
Like to a veilding vapour 'fore the Sun.  Dove. 
Well I am sure, if that he had not been  
Of mine own making, I should ne'er have known him;  
And, but we Painter's by our trade do fear  
No colours, sure his looks had scared me,  
So they will you, if that you not consider  
The inside of the Gipsy is your Friendly.  Elis. 
'Tis not his out side that I loved him for,  
Though he be most beyond expression lovely;  
For were he truly so as he is painted,  
Love should shake hands with joy for to embrace him:  
But truly say, how this disguise becomes him.  Dove. 
When I had finished half my smooty piece,  
I did present him with a Glass, wherein  
He might behold, and wonder at my skill;  
Me seemed that I had learned the art to frame  
In one space various shapes, for such was he;  
Half white and red, and half a Blackamoor:  
But lo, in him blushing usurped the place  
Of Wonder; 'twas a pleasant sight, to see  
On the one side a graceful modesty  
Repose herself upon a bed of roses;  
When on the other, the pure sanguine streaming  
Striving to overcome the Injury  
The Painter did him, made him appear to be  
Just like a Negro blowing of a coal.  Elis. 
For love's sake make no sport of our misfortunes;  
What is all this unto my question?  Dove. 
I'm showing how he becomes his vizor;  
When I had fully finished all my work,  
He than gins to practise servile gestures,  
He seemed to me to have forgot himself,  
It 〈◊〉 no wonder then if you not know him.  Elis. 
Pray strike no more on this ill sounding string;  
Thyself hast seen his modesty to shine  
Through his benighted looks, & dost thou think  
His o her graces are less eminent?  
Thinkest thou an envious cloud can quite eclipse  
Or darken the bright glory of the Sun?  
They only yield a shade, so does this die  
Of my best Friendly like a shadow, make  
This outward glory greater to appear.  Knockwithin. Dove. 
I say no more— these are your servants knock.  Exit Dove. El. 
Well, let them in; O heaven, how shall I keep  
My countenance, when Friendly is so changed;  
But when my Love's disguised looks unknown,  
Love pardon me, if I not keep my own.  Enter Shift, Friendly, Dove. Shift. 
Lady vouchsafe a servant from me, whose desert  
Doth lay just claim unto so high preferment.  Eli. 
I dare not trust your commendations Sir,  
You did deceive me in the last you brought me.  Shift. 
Therefore my care hath sought out one, whose worth  
Will expiate my former Injury.  Elis. 
Where is this man of men you so extol?  Shift. 
Lo this is he, whose waiting humbleness  
Doth speak both his condition and desire.  Elis. 
What do you mock me: have you brought this Glass  
To show my feature. I confess not fair;  
Yet not so foul as you would make my soul.  
Shift Fair, do not overthrow me with your scorn,  
Now overthrown with sorrow, for my fault.  
Giving this servant for a taste to show  
Your rich perfections by comparison,  
Though judging proof will find his service can  
Deserve, if nothing else, at least to serve you.  Elisa. 
What strange device is this? or what new way,  
That sons of night should serve us in the day?  Friend. 
Think Lady, that with vigilant delight,  
My care shall act your pleasure day and night.  Dove. 
Vouchsafe his service Mistress, let him be  
Your black Postilion, and a lively Emblem  
Of darksome night that ushers in the day.  Elis. 
First let me know his properties kind Sir.  
Pray you what name doth sign your Blackamoor?  Shift. 
His name was once thuano hence he is  
What your sweet goodness now shall please to call him.  Elis. 
Thuano, canst thou cross thy arms and sigh:  
Or hast thou learned to personate a sorrow,  
To darken more thy darkened countenance?  
Hast taught thy eyes to weep, as if thy tears  
Did strive to wash thee into red and white?  
Canst thou exclaim on cruel Beauty; cry  
Ay me! with a most sad dejected grace?  Shift. 
What have I done? sure she would fain persuade  
This smooty Blackamoor to be my rival.  Elis. 
Canst change with art the tenor of thy looks?  
Now casting up thy wretched eyes to heaven,  
As if from thence thou meanest to beg for pity;  
Now fixing them on earth, as if thou hadst  
Seen Mercy drop, but lost it in the fall;  
Canst thou profoundly now be perjured too?  
For know Thuano, all this thou must do,  
And swear that so does he who did present thee:  
Yet none can personate these graces truly,  
But he who feels the passion which he acts.  Shift. 
She doth abuse me, evidently mock me;  
Lady, the Page I praise hath worthier gifts  
Than those you name his skill holds in his hand  
The little Statute-book of heaven can read  
The Stars decrees, and show what they intent  
Of weal or woe.  Friend. 
Pardon me, noble goodness,  
That I am dumb so long unto your queries,  
Which do so feelingly describe my state,  
That in them I may read the lively picture  
Of the commanding passion in my breast;  
For know, (if you will others fortunes know  
Before your own) that once it was my lot  
For to be loved; O most unworthy I,  
For to be loved by one so good, so fair!  
Whom yet my youthful carelessness or pride  
Did so neglect, that love did in revenge  
Blast me with this deserved deformity.  
But seeing in my punishment, my fault,  
And looking back upon the happiness  
I had so wretchedly forsaken, I then  
Too late began to love, though yet (they say)  
Her love continues still; but sooner shall  
The night and day be one e'er I'll bestow  
This foul Thuano on so sweet so fair,  Elis. 
Love's penance is but short, if you repent;  
Sir I accept your gift, whose worth doth less  
Measure my thanks then your more worthy love,  
I now will take my leave, to study how  
I may require—  Exit. Shift. 
The thanks you leave behind,  
Are far above the gift you carry hence.  
Courage, my heart; she cannot be unkind,  
If that her words be image of her mind.  Exe●●t Enter Crab, Goodwit, Cunnimonger, Lydia. Crab. 
My pretty Lydis, I have seen to day  
The cruelest sight, it grieves my heart to speak't.  Lyd. 
And I to hear't; I pray you talk of mirth,  
I can't endure these tales of cruelty.  Crab. 
But I must tell it too; a handsome woman,  
'Cause the King's son in love would lie with her  
Against her will, would needs go kill herself.  Lyd. 
What did she kill herself against her will ●  Crab. 
I say against her will he say with her:  
I have forgot the foolish woman's name.  Goodw. 
It was Lucrece the chaste, a primitive  
Roman, who in the humour of the time,  
Did in vainglory kill herself for Fame;  
But know, out soil breeds none so desperate.  Cun 
I'faith and the Romans too are now more wise.  Good. 
And thou sayest true, for they who read her story,  
And in their antic Arras see her bleed,  
Pity her Folly, and not praise her deed.  Crab. 
Well I am sure she was a handsome wench,  
And but for shame, I could have found my heart.  Good. 
A wench Sir, 'twas a boy did personate  
Unto those times, a well becoming fate.  
But than was then, and women now are women.  Cun. 
And you say true; for is it not think you  
A most unnatural thing, for any woman  
To stab herself 〈◊〉 well, had my Lydia been  
That Lucrece, you sweet sir, that sweet King's son—  Ent. Falconer. 
I'll say no more, but truly you shall finde  
Her neither to herself, nor you unkind.  Crab. 
I hope so, else I must with sorrow si●g,  
Why should passion lead the blind?  
'Cause my Lydia proves unkind.  Falc. 
This is vile music, not to be compared  
With the melodious bleating of my sheep.  Good. 
What means the man? I hear no sheep but one.  Falc. 
'Tis true, while you now spoke, but one did bleat;  
But if you heard a hundred chime together,  
You'd swear it were most admirably sweet. Shakis his bag.  
How like you this my hearts? dost not exceed  
The Choir of pauls, or all t●● holy bells  
Which most devoutly sing the time o'th' day?  Crab. 
I'faith Dick this sheepish harmony is sweetest,  
When they are penned up in these norrow folds;  
But where's my Ring, the token that I sent?  Falc. 
The stubborn Ballie swears that he will keep it  
To show your uncle for his own discharge;  
But who regards the bait, that has the fish?  Cun. 
'Tis a wise sentence Richard, and a true;  
But this is now no time for sentences,  
'Tis eight a clock, and supper stays for you.  Fal●. 
And let it stay; I know you long to sup  
Upon my mutton: but where's all my thanks  
For my good speed? does it deserve no more,  
That by a trick I changed my tired ●ade,  
To hasten my return, that by my wits  
I took the prey out of the Harpies foot,  
Who strongly gripped it, till I boldly swore,  
You would undo him and his Family;  
And showed his bag and wallet in the stars;  
Does not all this deserve a welcome home?  Cun. 
Sir you are welcome home most hearty.  Falc. 
That's not enough: you now ought all do penance  
For your neglect; you Mrs. Cunnimonger,  
And Mr. Goodwit too, shall wait on me  
This night at Supper; Lydia I pardon  
For my good Master's sake, him for his own:  
So Lydia, seal this pardon with a kiss.  Crab. 
O traitor, villain, sacrilegious villain!  Falc. 
Nay 'tis decreed, and she must offered too.  
Or else farewell, this purchase is my own.  Cun. 
Ala● sir what's a kiss? what would you do  
If his desert should ask a greater thing?  Crab. 
If it must needs be so, I prithee sweet  
Lydia, dispatch me quickly from my pain.  lid 
Sir I obey your prayers, not his commands.  Falc. 
Here, take the price of my felicity.  Crab. 
And be thou honoured with our order more,  
Thy careful speed dubs thee a knight o'th' post:  
Thy office be, for to begin the way,  
While I behind do wipe thy kiss away.  Extunt. Enter old Goodwit (with a letter and the ring,) Dove. Old Good. 
Cheated by fools and villains? this is fine;  
And my wise Bailie thinks he has done well,  
Because he kept this token, when he should  
Artest the slave which brought it, and now here  
He writes the threats which overcame him well,  
I will go down to prevent further ills,  
Be it your care for to retrieve the stray.  Dove. 
I warrant you, if sense and skill can do't.  
This afternoon a little business called me  
Into a Draper's shop, whom I did find,  
Booking a debt, to which was superscribed  
My straggling master's name, though he indeed  
Was but a surety (as the Draper told me)  
For the poor sneak which did entice him hither,  
Who now it seems is casting of his skin,  O. Good. 
Employ your time and study to reinde  
This suake from his Caduceus, the main staff,  
Which doth support him, and unsinuace  
Him from that breast that gives him lively heat.  Dove. 
Sir, I have won upon this Citizen  
To know their lodging and their daily haunt,  
And for some future courtesies of hope,  
He will arrest this Snake, in's cloak of credit  
As soon as it can warm him, and will free  
My Master, whom I mean for to secure  
From the enquiry of this noisome viper.  O. Good. 
Be speedy in your course; I hope you see  
Your charge already, to insafe my niece  
And daughter in my absence, from the busy  
Courtship of idle suits, and to find  
My nephew in this peopled wilderness.  Dove. 
This is my ta●k alone, your Niece and Daughter  
Will find sussicient guard in their own virtues.  O. Goodw. 
Well, now the night invites to bed, betimes  
I'th' morn, my journey, and your charge gins.  Exeunt.  

Act. IU. Scaen. 1.  Enter Dove & Falconer. Dove. 
Fortune and Love befriend me; my old Master  
By this hath left half of his way behind him;  
And though I am still doing, my success  
Doth call me idle, my young wand'ring Squire  
Lay not at home to night, and hereabours  
Should be the place they supped at, if my draper  
Be not deceived in his intelligence;  Ent. Falc. 
But soft● who have we here? the Falcner, nay  
Slink not away good Richard, here are none  
But friends and fellow servants; why dost look  
About thee so, doth any man pursue thee?  Falc. 
No, no, but who had thought to meet thee here?  Dove. 
Not thee I dare to swear, but tell me how  
Our Master does, and his refined seducer;  
Does his new upper weed become him trimly●  Falc. 
Does he speak out of knowledge, or by chance?  
‛ Faith. Tom my Master's well, exceeding well,  
Looks and lives like himself, that's like an heir  
Delivered from ●nition, but what means  
Your riddle of new weeds, and trim seducers?  Dove. 
Would neither thou nor I knew what it meant.  
But I will pose you with more riddles yet;  
Are there not certain female ghosts do walk  
This quarter, silken some, and some of stusse;  
Some single, some in couples, and some squired,  
But above all, is not the house you supped at  
Feat sully haunted? are these riddles too?  Falc. 
'Tis well we left the Country; sure they do  
Begin to study witchcraft here of late:  
Art thou awake? or dost thou dream of ghosts?  
I dare to swear here's greater store of flesh  
Then spirit, but if any such there be;  
Thou art a huntsman, take but a little pains  
If that they cross this quarter, thou mayst prick 'em.  Dove. 
I do not mean to hunt them to the buttock;  
But tell me truly, what severe necasions  
Calls thee abroad out of thy nest so ear y?  Falc. 
I had as good confess, he knows already:  
The truth is, Tom, my Master's to be married,  
I now go for a Priest to do the feat.  Dove. 
How? married? and you go for the Vicar  
Of hell to join 'em for there the match was made:  
If thou wast one bore witness to the contract,  
Now in the name of all the Fu●●e●, tell me  
What's she must be my Master's Succuba.  Falc. 
I was not much mistaken, I did think  
He was a Witch, he proves a● on●urer.  
I'll show thee what she is, by showing what  
We are, that is to say, her servant's servants;  
There's a Court riddle Sir for you to pick;  
She's one that's taken with my Master's wit,  
As he is taken with her chastity:  
A sine young thing, that newly puts out tewen,  
Such excellent game, that mighty love would change  
Himself into Merlin to enjoy her.  Dove. 
Do not thou talk of game, when I'm in earnest,  
And be thou honest, else the gallows shall  
Make a short end of all thy knavery,  
For stealing of the Farmer's nag● by whom  
(Speak truth upon thy peril) was my Master  
So suddenly inveigled to his ruin  Falc. 
Fear prompts me to speak truth against my nature:  
Now as I live Tom, I'll not lie; there dwells  
Within that house, a pretty handsome Tit,  
Whom out wise Master fain would he withal;  
He's very hot upon the spur, but she  
Being instructed by her cunning Aunt,  
Thanks him, and takes him up again at pleasure.  
Something she gives him leave to do, but not  
What most he would; and so at once she does  
Inflame his sharp desires and tame them, briefly,  
She vows he ne'er shall lie with her, before  
He marries her, which he resolves to do.  Dove. 
But I do mean to cross his resolution;  
Your task must be for to forget your errand,  
See him no more till noon, at your return  
Any excuse will serve, and so farewell  Exit Falc. 
I shall not need your aid to my designs,  
I never shall be able to redeem him  
By my own power, I must require my master  
And fellow servant Friendly to assist me.  
Nor dare I trust this villain, here's a toy  
In town to seek him, with a barn to boot;  
I will direct her to him, she shall call  
His arrant togueship 'fore a man of worship,  
And there with open mouth cry out for marriage;  
Where he shall take his choice, whether he'll go  
To Church or Prison, for he'll ne'er be able  
To purchase bail for keeping of the child.  
So there is one impediment dispatched;  
Yet I forget the aid ●promis'd to  
The Draper in his suit unto Elisa,  
Who with his painted mole by this is acting  
Her servant Friendly, whom I said was travailed.  
In which disguise he thinks to win her too▪  
But 〈◊〉 must now deprive the Black a more  
Of all this much, in seeing of his shape  
Usu p'●; while he stands mu●e to hear another  
Courting his dearest M stress in his name.  
But why do I thus talk away the day,  
When I should do● lest time be vainly spent,  
To redress ills which care might once prevent.  Exit. Enter Crab, Lydia, Cunnimonger, Goodwis, and Hog. Crab. 
Come Lydia, now the time draws nigh, when we  
With worthies male and female shall enrich  
The needy world; this morn I sent unto  
A cunning man to learn the fittest time  
For to engender W●●s in, he replies,  
This night 'twixt twelve and one, do not omit  
Thy nuptial duties, the stars counsel it;  
If that thou wilt beget a wit transcendent,  
This night is Hermes lord of the Ascendent;  
Well soon I mean for to invite the wits,  
Or as thou call'st them Frank, Deipnosophists,  
Unto my bridal supper; where I will  
Have nothing but brains diversely cooked  
Of birds, beasts, fishes, tith-pigs, and woodcocks;  
Our drink shall be brisk curiet, for to refine  
The Infant's sparkling ingeny! but now  
Where shall we find a cook of w●●● that has  
Not had his education in the kitchen,  
Whose brain's not overeast, with misty clouds  
Arising from the steam of grosser meats.  Cun. 
I'lt be your cook Sir, and though I do say't,  
I have as good a wit of a gross body,  
As any woman ever need to boast of.  Good. 
Never take care for choosing of your cook.  
The very dressing of the brains will make him w●●●i●.  Hog. 
Take you no thought for cook, or cheer, leave these  
To mine and my old Master's care; you now  
Must feast upon your sweet delicious wife,  
●he will be meat and medicine to you, for her sight  
Alone, the shaking ague will affright;  
And soon at night, if you do not awry go,  
She'll ease you suddenly of th●●entigo,  
Yea before Galen, she will cure the fever  
With her down belly, and her thighs of beaver.  Crab. 
How 〈◊〉 beaver dost thou call them: I am sure  
That they were Felt last night; but do you hear▪  
Do not you call my Lydis my wife,  
It is a name, the country people use.  
No● shall she call me husband, therefore Frank,  
Prithee devise some fine Poetic names,  
To dart at one another before strangers.  Good. 
What do you think, if you were called the Seal.  
And she your wax? on whom in every kiss  
You thus may seal the Image of your love. kiss. her  Lyd. 
Pray heaven I may wax worthy of his love  
But trust me Sir, you do me injury,  
To think his love hath made so slight impression  
Within my breast, that it may be defac'r,  
Like to a fading image made in wax.  Goodw. 
How think you Lady then, if you were called  
His Cynosure, the say'ers stars by which  
They find their way through the pathless seas;  
By this they frame their course, you Sir must be  
The Pilot, which does steer by her blessed light  
Alone, unto ●he haven of your bliss:  
Or if you will be an Astronomer,  
In every kiss thus you may take her height.  Kisses her. Crab 
Me thinks this Cynosure's a pretty name, I pretence tell me what it signifies.  Goodw. 
It signifies properly the dog's tail.  Crab. 
Ha', ha', ha'; 'tis the best jest was ever heard or read of.  Good. 
'Tis a good jest indeed can raise such mirth;  
But my wit's hood winked, for I cannot find it:  
I pray Sir tell us where the jest does lie.  Crab. 
Where it doesly? is it not evident,  
That thou didst kiss the dog's tail. I shall ne●e  
Love her again till thou hast changed her name.  Good. 
You liked this well until you understood it;  
That you may learn from hence how happy 'tis  
Sometimes for to be ignorant; what than  
If she were called your Touchstone you her straw,  
For as ●●e Touchstone doth examine metals,  
So will she prove what metal you are made of;  
And as the straw doth to the Touchstone skip,  
So hu● must you skip nimbly to her lip;  Kisses her 
Thus must you cling in every kiss you give her:  
B●t a●●ve all the name of Lydia move me,  
'Cause Lapis Lydius signifies a Touchstone.  Crab. 
I like your reasons well, but not so well  
Your often kissing, therefore hence, forbear.  Good. 
Touchstone's the of●ner rubbed, do draw the better.  Crab. 
Fairly put off, well, so it is decreed;  
A Parliament of wits could not devise  
More fitting names confirmed with greater reasons.  Sings. 
To day the Priest shall make't a law,  
That I shall be thy only straw,  
The virtue of whose Kiss shall draw,  
Besides myself no other straw.  Lyd. Sings 
The Touchstone's black and so am I▪  
The Touchstone's hard, and so not I;  
The Touchstone doth the metal try,  
And as the Touchstone so will I.  Hog Sings. 
As soon in straw is kindled fire,  
So you in flamed with desire;  
Yellow's the straw, yet I suppose,  
That you will ne'er wear yellow hose.  Cun. 
I have no voice to sing, yet I will say  
That this is Straw's and Touchstone's bridal day.  Goodw. 
Sure Hermes now is climbing to his height,  
Who doth inspire your wits to versify;  
I would the Priest were come, for any time  
This day will serve to do the trick you talked on!  Crab. 
I, to get Wits, and I do mean to call  
All my boys Straws, and all my wenches Touchstones.  Enter Dove and Friendly. Dove. 
Master, heaven give you joy, fame sings that you  
Are towards a wife, and I have brought a Priest's  Good. 
Your office bids you welcome, so are you.  Fr. 
I thank my office then, let him thank you.  
But know Sir, that I am no Priest, but servant  
Unto a sister of this Gentleman's;  
She's now in town, and doth by me invite him  
This day to dine with her at her own lo●ging.  Crab. 
I prithee tell her she shall dine with me;  
She shall have gloves to boot, and you, and you▪  
And now I think on't, she and my cousin Winifrid  
Shall be my bride maids, prithee tell 'em so.  Fr. 
First I must tell you, that I do not mean  
To make a fruitless errand; my adventure  
Is to redeem you from these Harpies claws.  
Good Prithee how many Harpies are there here▪  Friend. 
E'en a full mess, of every sex a pair.  Good. 
Peace, or I'll teach your Gipsie-ship some manners.  Dove. 
Would you would teach yourself some honesty;  
Vncloud your brow Sir, for 'tis not a frown  
Can fright us from our purpose; therefore Sir,  
Resolve to leave this shop of sin and shame,  
This furnished ware house of Iniquity.  Crab. 
Honest Tom Huntsman, have but patience.  Lyd. 
Is this a Huntsman Sir? now out upon him.  
He smells most vilely of the kennel; such a one  
As this same fellow is, and sixteen couple,  
Did eat my father quite out of the country.  Dov. 
'Tis cheaper keeping a whole host of dogs,  
Then one such costly fizling hound as you.  Cun. 
Now out upon thee naughty man, profane  Dog. 
driver, call heaven's creatures fizling hounds?  Dov. 
And sal● Bitch too, for such are she & thou.  Good. 
This idle rogue would fain be beaten sure.  Enter two Sergeants. Dov. 
I would indeed, 'tis one part of my business.  Hog. 
You shall not go without your e●rand then.  1. Ser●. 
Hold friend's, as you are men, this open house  
Promised the ending of some feast, but weo  
Are come to the beginning of a fray.  Dov. 
About your business friend, that is the man.  2. Serj. 
Sir, the King greets you well.  Good. 
I'm glad he's well.  Cun. 
Ye are two paltry knaves, thus to intrude  
Into a private house; good Gentlemen,  
Free a poor widow's house from these vile catchpoles.  Dove. 
Away Sir, we will freeed from honest men.  Execunt Dove, Friendly, Crab. Good▪ 
Unhand me Sirs, I mean to put in bail.  1. Serj. 
Discharge the debt Sir, that's your only bail.  Cun. 
Why what's the debt? here's one will see you paid;  
Oh me! he's gone, but I will follow him.  Exit. Good. 
I prithee Hog assist me 'gainst these villains.  Hog. 
Lose him, or else by Termagant I will.  2. Serj 
Will ye be pork or bacon, I'll provide  
A feast for Pluto; hence, unless you mean  
The Furies shall make Puddings of your guts.  Lyd. 
Good friends do not abuse the Gentleman.  1 Serj. 
We'll not abuse him chicken, for thy sake  
We'll see him where he shall be safe enough.  Hog. 
Come Mrs. Lyddi, let us in, you see  
It is not in our power for to help him.  Good. 
Let your unmannered gripe unseize my shoulder,  
Or I will time your heads into a noose,  
As Hipponax did Bupalus, or buskined  
Archilocus Lycambe, I will rogues.  2 Serj. 
That's a good jest I swear, I'd fain see that;  
This fellow's sure in a Poetic rage.  Good 
Or if your fears make you decline the rope,  
I'll brand your name with profound infamy.  1. Serj. 
Profound infamy? what a fine word's that;  
Go D'ye grin ye dog? would I were lose again.  2. Serj. 
No sir, the dog's name's holdfast, that you'll find.  Ent. Cunnimonger. Cun 
Kicked, beaten, cheated of my guest? was ere  
Poor woman thus abused; but which is worse,  
My silly Niece fond restored the bag  
Of which she once was Lady Treasurer.  Good. 
This is ill news, my hopes lay in that bag;  
Sweet Mistress lend me for an hour or two  
The seasonable price of my releasement,  
You know my friend will faithfully repaid.  Cun. 
Alas good Sir, what would you have me do?  
You know how poor and nakedly we live,  
All I can lends my pity and my prayers.  Good. 
Thy pity proves me wretched, and thy prayers  
Do make me hopeless, for they'll ne'er be heard.  
Keep your devotion till your Carting, Madam,  
And leave me to the mercy of these fiends.  Cun. 
Sweet man, I have no power to part from him.  Go. 
Then stay there still, my kind affliction.  1. Serj. 
Come Sir, you see your hopes, please you walk?  Good. 
Yes, lead me on unto my Purgatory;  
Yet stay a while and hear a word of reason.  2. Serj. 
Let it be brief reason then, very brief.  Good. 
'Tis only this, I know by circumstance,  
You are employed by draper Whittington.  1. Serj. 
'Tis very true, if this be all, let's walk.  Good. 
The debt which you arrest me for is owing  
●or this same cloak I wear, the debt is young,  
This the first day of wearing; give you him  
His cloak again, and me my liberty.  2. Serj. 
He did give us no such commission sir,  
Yet what lies in our power we will befriend you,  
We'll place you where he shall be sure to find you;  
That if his pleasure be to visit you,  
You may yourself deliver the condition.  Good. 
If this be all your kindness, march away;  
Farewell old noble true-penny, farewell.  Cun. 
Farewell sweet man, I cannot choose but weep.  Good. 
Now I am yours, yet still my mind is free,  
To triumph over Fortune's injury.  Exeunt. Enter Friendly, Elisa, Dove. Friend. 
Believe't, 'twas no small task to get him off.  Elis. 
Where have you disposed of him in love's name?  Friend. 
Where he must learn love's lesson, with my sister.  Elis. 
I hope that he will learn by her example:  
But what's the reason Dove, you did warn me  
Of my new suitor, whom you sent, who does  
With confidence usurp my Friendly's name;  
And why did you direct him to a Painter,  
Who trimly made his mole on the wrong side?  Dov. 
Only sweet Mistress, for to make you merry.  Elis. 
Thou didst not miss thy aim, for I did laugh  
To see my fruitless labours. When I could  
By no mean● make him think he was not Friendly,  
But when I called for water, for to prove  
Whether he would endure the test; Lord how  
The Gallant chased. But yet my Cousin Winifrid  
Thought all this while I did but counterfelt,  
Until she saw a just disdain possess●  
My brow. Then she indeed began to blame  
My unkind entertainment of a stranger.  
To her I left him then to make amends,  
For that wherein my rudeness did offend;  
And if I am not in loves art mistaken.  
(As sure I am not) my sweet Cousin is taken.  Dove. 
May heaven say amen unto your guess,  
Then am I master of my ends▪ for he  
I● rich and thrifty, and I yet may live  
To see my Mrs. Win my Lady M●yoresse.  Friend. 
Faith I do long to see how much he's like me.  Elis. 
Indeed 'tis pity sor●o interrupt 'em.  
Did you not say you knew my other su●er▪  Friend. 
Hang him a slave, which rends his hackney chin  
To city falling-stars, and toothless madams.  
But I will sowee him for his s●welnesse.  Elis. 
He is more saucy yet than you do think;  
Now I received this Letter, pray you read it.  Friend. reads it. Fr. 
I am not ignorant how well you love me▪  
And Lovers know what Lovers most desire.  
I hear your uncle's not in town. I leave't  
Unto your wit for to beguile your Cousin,  
And meet me soon a● Mrs. Cunnimongers.  
I'll read no more! monster of goatish boldness;  
May he first twine with Scorpions. ●or love's sake  
Tell me of what complexion are my hose?  Elis 
●●me jealous of myself, although not guilty  
Of word or look, which cattled less than scorn.  Dove. 
I'll solve this riddle. But this very morning  
I met him here, enquired how well you liked  
H●● Blac● a ●ore. I did reply the truth,  
And added this which I did think wa● true,  
(And which no doubt'● the cause of his presumption)  
That you did love him better for his gift.  Elis. 
You should have said that I did hate him less.  
But now I hate him most, who thinks me false.  Dove. 
The carriage of this business leave to me,  
I'll sit him with another bed fellow,  
Only lend me your name to bring him on.  Elis. 
Be sure my honour do not suffer in't.  Dove. 
'Tis in your power to secure your honour.  
What sitter time then this to tie that knot,  
Which only fate is able to untie?  
Your uncle's absent, and your Nee●e employed;  
Let this hour execute the heaven's decree,  
And the Priest join their hands whose hearts agree.  Friend. 
I dare not to descent from his advice,  
Seeing time itself doth seem to counsel us.  Elis. 
Thy goodness (Friendly) won me, let thy virtues  
Guide me, for them I ever will obey.  Dove 
he speedy then, for time makes no delay.  Exeunt. Enter Phillis and Crab. Crab. 
Hard hearted Tiger, unkind Adamant.  Phil. 
You are mistaken sir, my name is Phillis.  Crab. 
O thou hast killed me with thy cruelty.  Phil. 
Have dead men learned to walk and talk again?  
Trust me, I ne'er saw ghost yet better said.  Crab. 
'Tis true, I live, but yet a dying life.  Phil. 
Leave your book-wooing sir, you do not do  
It handsomely, If you will love by art,  
Your careless habit must proclaim your passion;  
Your hat without a band, Garters untied,  
Your trailing Cloak, dejected look, cross arms,  
Should be dumb arguments of your affection.  Crab. 
If this be all, I'll quickly prove I love.  
Hat be no more acquainted with a band,  
Garters be never tied again, and thou  
My careless Cloak be witness of my woe,  
While thus I look, and thus I cross my arms.  Phil. 
Next you should sing loves power, and your misfortune,  
Which lord it o'er you in a dismal ditty.  Crab. 
I'll sing no song but this. Phillid● flouts me:  
Yet now I think on't, summer last, when first  
I saw you. I compiled this sugared sonnet  
Phillid● was a fair maid,  He Sings. 
As fresh as any flower;  
Whom Harpatus the Herdsman pr●y'd  
Might be his Paramour.  Phil. 
But Philliday was all to coy  Ph sings 
For Harpatus to win,  
For Corin was her only joy.  Crab. 
Prithee sweet heart, let me be Corin then.  Phil. 
Sir, I will not require your love with scorn.  
Your love ha●h purchased mine, on this condition,  
I must command your house. Welcome my friends,  
Keep shocks, and monkeys, para●s, parakitot●●,  
And all things else I like for my delight.  
Wear clothes befitting your estate, my birth,  
You shall keep what retinue I think fit.  
What horses, coaches, litters; and what not▪  
And when I please you must be lorded too.  Crab. 
I will be any thing which thou wilt have me.  Phil. 
You shall be nothing then, which not becomes you▪  
I know lords not so rich, nor half so wise.  Crab. 
Touchstone farewel, thy Straw bids the● adieu.  Ent. Dove singing. Dove sings. 
Come, come away, to the Temple I say,  
And celebrate this Wedding day.  
Your sister, master, and your brother, mistress  
This day are to be married, and expect  
Your company to grace the Nuptials.  Crab. 
To morrow I do mean they shall grace ours.  
Tom, she's mine own, my Wit at last hath won her.  Dov. 
Make it one business then, let's hast & get  
A Licence, though 'tis late i'th' afternoon;  
I have procured a Priest apochtyphal,  
Who not regards the hours Canonical.  Crab. 
A men say I  Phil. 
In troth so do not I  
Did you not say that you were dead? I will  
Not dance the shaking of the winding-sheet.  Crab. 
I am revived again, my pretty duck;  
But I do wonder where my Falener is.  Dov. 
I met him and his doxy marching now  
With Mr. Constable, before a Justice;  
When he's at leisure, doubtless he'll find you out.  
Mean while your own occasions beg your haste.  Crab. 
Come then away, god Cupid be our speed.  Exeunt Enter justice Budge, Falconer, Grace, Constable. Budg. 
Sirrah▪ how durst you get this maid with child?  Falc. 
 please you sir, it is a native valour▪  
Derived upon me from my ancestors.  Budge. 
Well sirrah, well, I'll teach you not to have  
The fear of grace before your eyes, I will.  Falc. 
That lesson I have learned already sir;  
And practised too, and to say truth, with us  
We use to fall to without saying grace.  Budge. 
The truth is, thou art an ungracious varlet;  
'Tis well for thee my wife is not at home,  
She'd ring thee a peal should make thy ears to tingle;  
Mr. Constable knows she can speak well.  Const. 
For wit she is the glory of hersex,  
And fame doth sing her worthy to be wed  
To one alone, who sits in justice seat;  
Her tongue is tipped with Eloquence, for this  
And for her other gifts, the city rings on her.  Bud. 
And well it may, you know she is a Bell,  
That is, you know her name is I sabell.  Const. 
Now by my joan▪ a witty Apophthegm.  Bud. 
And fellow what sayest thou? this 'tis to shed  
My wit amongst unlettered Animals.  Falc. 
Blame rather sir the height of your conceits,  
Which are exalted far 'bove humane sense.  Const 
What dost thou call his worship nonsense?  Budg. 
Let that alone, and go we to the purpose;  
Fellow, wilt have this woman to thy wife?  Falc. 
My name is Richard sir, & I will have her,  
With the same will I did appear before you.  Budg. 
Well, if thou wilt not have her to thy bride,  
I mean to have thee married to Bridewell.  Const. 
'Tis good again, incomparably good!  
Fal Good do you call 'til til' me sure 'tis bad for me.  Budg. 
Woman, how dost thou use to call thy name?  Orac. 
My name is Grace, an it shall like your Worship.  
Budg. It likes my worship well, but this vile fellow  
Wants grace, and yet rejects it when 'tis offered.  Const. 
This is still good, better and better still;  
Si●ra, how dost thou like his Worship's wit?  Falc. 
I think his brain is like a lottery,  
Where blanks and prizes most unequally  
Are mixed; his common talk I call the blanks,  
His jests the prizes, of which also are  
Twenty of little worth, for one of value;  
Of which first sort when now there were drawn three,  
Your tongue was trumpet to the lottery.  Const. 
Sir, this is open Scandalum magnatum.  Budg. 
See where my Clerk and's Mistress are come home.  
That he may quickly write his Mittimu●.  Falc. 
Pray stay your journey friend, rather than so,  
I'll marry this same small impediment.  Budg. 
That might have served your turn, but now you are  
To be committed for a petty Treason,  Falc. 
Will you yourself be judge in your own cause?  Budg. 
And who so sit as I? for who will do  
Sir Roger Budge more right than justice Budge?  Falc. 
Then here upon my knee I humbly beg,  
That you'll be merciful as you are wise.  Grace. 
And I, that you'll be Just as merciful;  
That is, that you will make him marry me.  Budg. 
He has his pardon upon this condition.  
Come rise my friend, I'm pleased with thy submission:  
And Grace I thus will grace in greeting her. kiss.  
This night you all shall sup with me, where we'll set  
Confirm the match, and I believe 'tis time,  
For now me thinks my stomach begins to chime.  Exeunt.  

Act. V Scaen. 1.  Ent. Shift & Hog. Shift. 
Shame and perdition fall upon this gipsy.  
His false predictions are like oracles,  
Deceiving with their Ambiguity.  Hog. 
What alles the man? sir, have unquiet dreams  
Troubled your rest to night, that you thus talk  
Wildly of gypsies, and predictions;  
Of oracles and ambiguities.  Shift. 
I'll tell thee Hog, I had a fortune lately  
Told me, which did imply I should Enjoy  
Her, unto whom I oft had sued in vain,  Hog. 
Your Fortune's true for you have often sued  
Unto my Mistress Lydia in vain.  
Because her nights were at too dear a rate,  
Yet you have found her threwn into your arm's.  Shift. 
I do confess't, and therefore I complain  
Upon my Fortune's ambiguity,  
Which I applied unto a wealthy heir,  
Whose maiden zone I hoped for to untie.  Hog. 
I hope that Lydia made you sport enough,  Shift. 
I'll not deny't, yet the mistake doth vex me,  
Though 'tis my joy I am not gulled alone  Hog. 
If to Enjoy fair Lydia alone,  
You call a gull, than you are gulled alone,  Shift 
I mean this gipsy hath deceived others,  
(If it be lawful to believe a Huntsman)  
For tolling this sweet Lady's fortune, whom  
But now I named, before a Citizen  
Who did usurp the name of her old servant,  
He said within three nights she should Embrace  
The man whom she would honour with the stile  
Of Husband, whom she present did behold  
Though his disguise did then conceal his person,  
Which the vain gull applied unto himself,  
When I more justly may the Fortune claim,  
Because I am not what my outside speaks me.  Hog. 
How can that be, seeing you were not present?  Shift. 
She might behold me present to her fancy.  
This meaning only my thoughts looked upon.  Hog. 
For shame leave talking of these galleries,  
The truth is this, the Huntsman whom you named  
Did purchase you the pleasure of this night,  
Remember now you told me in the Evening  
When you were drunk with wine and joy, you meant  
To Wed this beauty, which you came to meet,  
But found contrived in bed before you came,  
S●y then sir, will you marry Lydia?  Shift. 
Thou knowst she has a foolish property  
Might make me pardon myself this mistake,  
Yet I regard not that which nicer men  
Do blame; the thing I might dislike in her  
Is, that she's poor, but yet to show, that I  
Am a Philosopher, I'll marry her.  Hog. 
Nobly and wisely spoke, and cheer your heart  
Though she be poor, she cannot make you poorer  Shift. 
This consolation my Philosophy  
Doth likewise teach me, but I'll tell thee news,  
I have a husband in the pickle too  
For thy old Mistress, one of her own trade,  
For both of them do live by coupling sexes,  
He in old Saxon's called a march-maker.  Hog. 
Good sir for once do you usurp his office  
To make this decent match, and I'll assist you.  Shift. 
I do arrest thy promise, yesterday  
I hear his worship sought me at my lodging,  
But first I'll give him a preparative.  Hog. 
I'll give him that shall work I warrant you;  
First I'll advance my Mrs. wealth and virtues,  
Then sweat the greatness of my own revenew's,  
Which I gain only by the Fees of suitors.  Shift 
I do not doubt thy art, go and prepare  
Thy Mrs too, within this hour or two  
I'll send him, until then adieu.  Hog. 
Farewell.  Exeunt Enter Falconer and Grace. Falc. 
And why wilt thou needs have me marry thee?  Grace 
'Cause I would have you make me an honest woman.  Falc. 
Why dost thou think all married women honest?  Grace. 
I cannot tell, but surely I am one  
If I am brought a-bed in matrimony.  Falc. 
Is that the point? but tell me when y'are married.  
How think you to maintain your honesty?  Gra. 
You know the justice promised us last night  
His worship's licence to sell ale i'th' city.  Falc. 
Now you have hit it; was't ere heard that women  
Maintained her honesty by selling ale?  Gra. 
Surely I hear it is a thriving trade.  Falc. 
Surely but not to thrive in honesty;  
For if she be not open as her tub,  
My Hostess take will be very small,  
Although her lanted ale be ne'er so strong.  Gra. 
I will do any thing which you will have me.  Falc. 
Then first I'll have you to release our contract,  
Then I will have thee travel into Ireland,  
There thou may'st make a nurse, 'tis better far  
Then live byth' muddy trade of selling ale,  
And thank my bounty, which hath qualified  
Thy Inabilities for this Employment.  Gra. 
Did not you swear that you would marry me?  Falc. 
I have done better chick, far better, for  
I've lain with thee, which I had rather do  
Twice twenty times, then marry the but once.  Graccho 
Ay me, & shall my love be thus requited?  
Yet know it is not in your power to leave me,  
The justice now is witness of the contract,  
Who I am sure will see it executed.  Falc. 
Now thou hast truly said, what marriage is,  
That is, an execution, well, then since  
It will no better be, let's quickly set  
All things in order, and be executed.  Gra. 
As nimbly as you can good Richard, for  
My time draws near, and I desire to be  
An honest woman  I am delivered.  Falc. 
Let's find my Mr. first, I do not mean  
To leave him and his service to sell ale,  
Where I last left him, thence, they say the devil  
Fetched him away, and sure he hath been there  
For they look all as if they had been frighted,  
And still he may be there, for they do talk  
As if they were possessed, come, let us go,  
And when my Master's found, appoint the day  
When thou'lt be married and I will obey.  Gra. 
Then this shall be the day, I'll be thy guide  
To find thy Mr. and more guess beside.  Exeunt Enter Shift and Derrick. Shift. 
The haste of your return, I fear hath made  
You leave more weighty business unperformed  Der. 
Care of your good makes me forget my own,  
Yet in one day, (for know my clients do  
Observe my day) I have directed ten  
To their preferment, two to reputed maids  
Which I do rank alone in my black book,  
Three unto widows of the second head,  
And five to maids of just maturity.  Shift. 
Pray Mr. Detrick are not you allied. unto the famous headsman of your name.  Der. 
Somewhat I am, but what's the cause you ask?  Shift. 
Because by you there is contrived the loss  
Of many maiden heads.  Der. 
You're merry sir,  
For know our trades do differ much, as much  
As the extremes of torment and delight,  
My office is not stained with blood, and those  
Who suffer by my means do live to thank me,  
I beg no pardon for my fault, before  
The maid's deprived of her virginity.  Shift. 
Yet you may ask forgiveness afterwards  
Of those who curse your pains, and find the hell  
Of marriage worse than a decollation.  Der. 
You shall want cause I hope for to comeplain,  
When you shall see your flying love return  
To meet you, that you freely may enjoy her.  Shift. 
Thanks unto both our pains, that I have done  
Already, our close kisses have been warmed  
With the soft flame of love, and I have sealed  
The match so sure, that it doth need no witness.  Der. 
Forget not him than that procured your bliss.  Shift. 
I am so full of joy, that you shall make  
Your own conditions, and besides I will  
(Be you not wanting to yourself) in your  
Own way require you with a wealthy widow.  Der. 
I am not yet so frozen, but my blood  
Will heat without a fever, be then pleased  
To give me a full knowledge of my hopes.  Shift. 
She hath a servant, who was sometimes mine,  
And still desires to be so, for the love  
I paid to his deserts, which he requires  
In promising his aid to win his Mistress.  
But you have happily prevented him,  
And therefore no man fit than yourself  
T'enjoy the benefit was meant to me.  Der. 
I cannot but confess myself most fit,  
And therefore I'll assent unto your offer.  Shi 
You shall take letters of my commendation  
To my old servitor, his name is Hog,  
One whom his Mistress justly doth regard.  Der. 
Let me alone for to commend myself;  
I'll only take your letters for to purchase  
My free admittance, then condemn my cunning  
If my own courtship do not win the widow.  Shift. 
Well may you speed, I'll presently go write.  Der. 
Though 'tis no need, I'll help you to indite.  Enter Goodwit. Exeunt Good. 
How strangely fortune guides my destinies?  
It is not yet five moons since I lived fice,  
Yet in a foreign haven, now I breathe  
My native air, but want my liberty,  
Which method of my fate, yet lets me see  
Some likeness in this contrariety.  
For Spain to me was but a wider prison,  
From whence there was no way unto my freedom,  
But in a hazardous capativity,  
Glad in a floating prison to be in immured,  
Since 'twas my safety to be so confined  
Where I did fear more dangers, than I now  
Do suffer, and so the bounteous heavens became  
My Schoolmasters while they my mind prepared  
For future sorrow, by foregoing its;  
And taught me, that my later sufferings  
Are little blessings by comparison:  
But that which lessens not my misery  
In this constraint, is the society  
Of a good old man my fellow prisoner,  
The Rhetoric of whose love, would needs persuade  
I have no cause of sadness, and I think  
I have the less, because I think he loves me,  
And why I know not, but lo here he comes.  Enter Freeman. Free. 
Come I must chide you, 'cause you'll be alone.  Good●● 
I take this place to be a monastery,  
And we are all monastics by our order.  Free. 
This is a feigned derision of your fortune,  
I see your thraldom makes you melancholy.  Good. 
Sir, I have learned that there is nothing free  
But what is infinite. Captivity  
Is the inheritance of all things finite;  
Nor can we boast our liberty, though we  
Are not restrained by strong holds, when as  
The neighbouring air confines us, & each man  
Is thraldom's perfect emblem, for in all  
The soul is captive, and the body's thrall.  Free. 
Well can I see, that this Philosophy  
Is not the argument of true content,  
But constrained patience, which seeks reasons why  
We ought to suffer, what we cannot fly:  
But give me now to know my pardon first  
Being granted for my curiosity.  
Did fate or choice acquaint you with this gallant,  
Who now unworthily doth see you want?  Good. 
I cannot without thanks recount the love  
Of that good man, with whom I traveled, he  
Was the sole guide and guardian of my youth,  
I was his only care, his pupil, son,  
So he, so all called and accounted me,  
And I were most ingrate did I deny  
Myself his son, whose love made me his heir.  Free. 
This answer's strangely wide from what I asked.  
Now I am showing how this good old man  
Being very sick, and ready for to pay  
The debt he owed to nature, called me to him  
And counselled me for Eng●and, to receive  
Some moneys owing him, but above all  
To find a father: fate only lent him leave  
To name his dwelling, and that done, he died.  Free. 
Still you seem forgetful of my question.  Good. 
I now was coming too't? when I had spent  
Those sums, my forwardest creditors would pay,  
Then I began to seek a father, where  
My Father did direct me, there I found  
You Mr. of the house, but this young gallant  
(As I then learned) his Father's only son  
Who late had purchased both the house and land,  
I thinking then my Father was the seller  
Meant with a sweet revenge to pray upon  
The buyers heir, and therefore I enticeed  
His folly to the City, but now I  
Do justly suffer for my foul intents.  Free. 
However than you missed him, you shall find  
A Father in that house, half uncle to  
This vain expensive gallant, now your cousin.  Good. 
But how can you assure me in this truth.  Free. 
Myself is witness of the time, when you  
Were first committed to the careful trust  
Of him who since adopted you his son,  
My old friend Curtise, to confirm your faith,  
Know. I am prisoner for a debt is owing  
Unto your uncle this young gallants Father,  
Which I was surety for, his rigour made  
Me obstinate, but dying, he bestowed  
This debt upon your Father, who is willing  
To grant my freedom at an easier rate,  
And I of him to purchased at a greater.  Good 
Thanks unto heaven and you, who thus have lightened  
My sorrows by the knowledge of a Father,  
I have debts owing, which would set me free,  
That I may now go see him, for if I  
Am son unto the Guardian of this heir,  
He's now in town with his fair niece & daughter.  Free. 
I can command the price of both our freedoms.  
And be you ruled by me, you shall enjoy  
A greater happiness than liberty,  
By a new bonda e but a sweeter,  Good. 
If our thoughts agree, your promise crowns my wishes.  Free. 
When we are free. I will unfold the riddle  
Before your Father, therefore my first care  
Shall be we may enjoy an open air.  Exeunt. Enter Hog and Derrick. Hog. 
Sir, for my good old master's sake, I will  
Do what I can, but this our little fort  
I● so besieged with suitors, that I fear  
The Governness will be constrained to yield  
By open force, if she be not ensnared  
By some strange stratagem of Poetry.  Der. 
I care not this for all their ribaldry,  
I never read of widow, won by rhyming.  Hog. 
This and another thing will do the feat  
Infallibly, but you shall hear a copy  
Sent her this morning, which you will confess  
Is very dangerous, thus it gins,  
Even as the heedless fly, seeking to taste  
The liquor glutinous, is taken fast  
Within the gallipot, so wretched I  
Am caught, alas! by my viscosity,  
Labouring for life in love-lime, such is my lot  
For to be drowned in Cupid's gallipot,  
Then call me as I am, 'tis all I crave,  
Sweet widow, thy entangled galleyslave,  
Who prays to heaven, that by the stars direction  
We of two simples may make one confection.  Der. 
This rascal talks like an Apothecary.  Hog. 
He talks sir as he is and 'tis more likely  
He will be worth his words, though he do promise  
Miracles in these verses following.  
I am no common suitor, thou shalt see  
I can do wonders by my faculty;  
My drugs thy you h and beauty sh●ll ressore,  
Levelly thos● wrinkles, which age'gins to score  
Upon thy furrowed brow, thy fading hue,  
Cold blood, decaying limb●, I will renew;  
Ceruse of ass' milk and Mercury,  
Lac Virgins, but peddling trifles be  
To what I use; I give not by my art  
Colour alone, but strength to every part,  
Which work when I have finished in thee, then  
I'll Idolise thy beauty with my pen.  Der. 
And when this Idoll's set up by the Noddy  
I'll be the man shall worship her with my body.  
You see sir, I can time too for a need.  Hog. 
Sir I am glad of your abilities.  
Which may prevail, if that his threatening lines  
Writ in poetic rage, do not o'er come her,  
When you have heard them with a judging ear,  
You cannot blame her if she love for fear:  
Thus he goes on.  
Yet know he begs who may command; my skill  
Can temper for thy scorn a draught shall fill  
Thy veins with rage, till thou hast spent a night  
In my Embrace, and dulled it with delight,  
I ove-salle's cropped by Circe and Medea  
Which Sagana with bold Canidia  
Gathered by moonlight in mount Esquiline  
Are but weak Philters, if compared with mine?  
Then think upon my power, and yield thy heart  
Rather tothth' prayers of love, than strength of art,  
Your humble friend and servitor▪ john Pestle.  Der. 
This Pestle shall ne'er pound i'th' widows mortar.  
I care not for his sorc'ry, he conjures best  
Can raise an active spirit in her circle.  Hog. 
'Tis that his verses threaten, had she seen 'em  
I know not what effect they might have taken.  Der. 
Has she not seen 'em then? nor ever shall;  
Thus ought seditious lines, haretical,  Snatches 'em, 
And Magical doctrine to be abolished.  & tears 'em, Hog 
But for you friend, your ears shall feel. that they  
Are guilty too, of hearing of this doctrine,  Der. 
Nay, prithee honesty be not offended,  
Here is a quarter jacobin to buy  
Thee cooling Iulips to allay thy choler.  Hog. 
I am appeased, now listen to the way  
How to obtain my Mrs. first you must  
Take no denial, women often yield  
Sooner to importunity then reason.  Der. 
Like to the warlike Ram I will assail her  
So fiercely, that she shall not dare resist.  Hog. 
The very name of Ram is ominous,  aside 
May you prove none of those whose tongues are stout  
And threaten much before the onset, when  
They come to fight, their noses fall a bleeding;  
Now know my Mrs. chief in her match  
Regards delight, promise enough of that;  
'Tis the best widow lime, you apprehend me.  Der. 
I warrant thee I'll pay her debt is due  
By reverend Solon's law, that's thrice a month.  Hog. 
Wise Solon was a fool, I do perceive  
You know not the commandments of love;  
If you could do no more than Cybel's Priests,  
Talk like a satire, or you'll never win her,  
Promise enough, but if your Impotence  
Fall in performance, be it at your peril.  Der. 
Thou art too young to teach me how to woe,  
I have prevailing Canons of my own,  
Prithee begin the way unto thy Mrs.  Hog 
So you might prove a warlike Ram indeed.  Der. 
To her I mean, not into her, that is  
Go thou before, and I will follow thee.  Hog. 
My apprehension doth obey you sir.  Exeunt Ent. old Good. Crab. Elisa. Friendly. Phillis. W●ittington. young Good. Frema●. Dove. Old Good. 
Cousins, heaven send you joy of your own choice,  
As much as Mr. Friendly and his sister,  
He hath deserved my Niece by freeing of  
My Nephew from the hands of bawds & villains,  
And covered this with a new benefit  
In giving him his fair and virtuous sister.  Friend. 
Thanks unto heaven and you, I do enjoy  
My hopes, my sister more than she could wish.  old Good 
Thank heaven alone, you know my brother's will  
Did bind my care to hinder you, next I  
Confirm my daughter's choice, joy to you all  
As much as I conceive for the return  
Of my long absent son, by thee no grief  
Shall trouble the just gladness of this day  
which is augmented by your liberty.  
Kind Mr Freeman, unto whom I own  
Next heaven's blessing, that I see my son.  Free. 
And I do owe to him that I am free,  
'Tis for that goodness I saw shine in him,  
I pay to you what rigour can exact.  Goodw. 
Good Sir when your bag's unsealed, we will divide  
Were I extreme to you I were ingrate.  Free. 
I need no such requital, I have wealth  
Enough, I only beg to be all●'d  
To both your virtues, by the marriage  
Of your best son unto my only daughter,  
Vris & modis, I will make her worth  
Five thousand pounds, this is my sum to both.  
young Good. Sir, let me beg your favour for to seal  
Your blessing with this grant, mine eyes have seen,  
While she did daily visit her old Father,  
More excellence united in her breast  
Then there is scattered in all woman kind,  
I never saw her but me seemed, an Angel  
Did come to comfort us, in our constraint,  
she is all good, virtue itself Incarnate.  old Good. 
But how are you assured, that she who is  
The Mrs. of such noble worth, doth love you?  
yo Good Such sweetness can't want mercy, and her face  
Silently tells me, she is full of grace.  
A thousand graces on her polished brow  
The throne of love, do lead their stately measures  
And lower millions dance in either eye,  
Their active rounds, with nimble majesty,  
And if my love to her do not deceive me,  
I saw love lighten from those eyes on me.  old Good. 
May your success, prove your love doth not err.  Free. 
My prom se shall secure him, for I know  
Her love of him, she thinks her only virtue.  Enter Falcner and Grace. Falc. 
Lordings and Ladies save you save you all  
My good old Mr you are welcome first  
Unto the City, and I beg my pardon  
For the late cheat I pratised on the Farmer,  
Next, I invite you all unto my wedding.  
Cr. Faith Richard as your manners gave me leave  
To marry first, so they might wish me joy too.  Falc. 
To explate my fault I wish you double  
joy.. joy and joy; that is, joy upon joy:  
For I confess I heard it by your neighbours  
And that my sometimes Fellow Francis is  
My good old Mrs. son, and my young Master.  
For which I joy, and wish him also joy..  Yo Good. 
I thank you Richard, but is this your Bride?  Grace 
For want sir of a better I am she.  Fal. 
Peace my Incarnate frailty am not I  
Thy head, then give me leave to speak sir this  
Is she, that frivolous thing I must call wife.  Ent. Hog (in a strange disguise, a Torch in his hand) Shife, Lydia, Derrick, and Cunnimonger, (following hand in hand.) Elder. Good. 
But soft, what have we here, a mask!  Hog. 
Lest any here, who has been muzzled up  
In ignorance, and never yet did sup  
Of the Poetic Fountain, should mistake me,  
Who ever thinks thus from the mark is wide all,  
For I am he is guest at every bridal:  
Welcome god Hymen, I am he doth lead  
With my directing torch, the Bride to bed,  
Where she with trembling joy doth long to taste  
Those cares from which she hitherto did fast  Shift 
Now Mr. Hymen you are out, my Bride  
Doth know the relish of the thing you wait on.  Hog. 
I was not out till you did put me out,  
But by my godhead ●e begin again.  
The news of joining of more loving hands  
(joy bless the time) in matrimonial bands,  
Hath filled the mouth of fame, and therefore hither  
I bring these pairs that with you altogether  
I may be present, suffer thein to be here,  
And they shall recompense with mirth your cheer.  Old Good. 
God Hymen's welcome and the guests he brings.  
You sir, I am informed have been a suitor  
Unto my Niece, and that regard will claim  
An invitation, my old neighbour Derrick  
Hath as much right as your divinity  
For to be present at these nuptials.  
For besides him we know no other Hymen;  
Then mix yourselves with us, and let us all  
Contend who shall exceed in mirth, and may  
The Bride's sweet brows presage a glorious day.  Hymen waves over his couples to the other side with his Torch.  

Hymen's EPILOGUE.  
Joy and content to all that fill  
The round, we beg not to our skill  
A solemn clap, but only hope  
We have arrived at our scope,  
That's your unfeigned delight, this we  
Do still account our chiefest Fee;  
And that we wish to every guest  
As great as at our bridal feast,  
That the reflection of your mirth  
May bread in us a second birth  
Of equality, while gladly we  Exeunt 
Do give your smiles a plaudite.  omnes. 
FINIS.