A Coffeehouse DIALOGUE: OR A Discourse between Captain. Y— and a Young Barrister of the Middle-Temple; With Some REFLECTIONS upon the BILL against the D. of Y.  Capt. 
A Young Lawyer come amongst us! perhaps you may learn something; I have been telling these young Gentlemen you see with my by what means I could make this Kingdom the most Flourishing Kingdom in the whole World.  P. 
I am sotry I am come to late to hear how so good an Effect might be so easily wrought.  Cap. 
Nay Sir, you are not come too late, for I can (without any weariness) sit here to tell it all day long, I so greatly desire the Public Good. In short Sir, what I have been saying is this; I can plainly demonstrate how we may beat the Dutch without fight, pay Debts without Money, make all the Streets in London Navigable Rivers, harbour all the King's Great Ships upon the top of an Hill, where they shall be secured from Wind and Wether, and from an hundred other Accidents they are else obnoxious to. All or most of this you may see printed in a Book of mine, which I know you Lawyers are against, because it likewise maintains a Register, which spoils your Trade; but to be Friends with you, though I have undone you in the First Part, I have a Second Part waiting at the Press, that will maintain you all sumptuously, if there were ten times as many more as there are; what say you to all this young Lawyer, Ha'?  P. 
I say you have out stripped all the Poets that ever wrote and that 'tis pity the King and Council should have no more regard to your Person and Discourses, than wise men have for Mountebanks.  Cap. 
Sir the Reason's plain why they mind the Improvement of the Nation no more; hark you, the Great ones have another sort of Game to play;— no more of that— you understand me.  P. 
Not I, I profess; I cannot be reconciled to half a Sentence joined with a little push, a wink, a nod, a smile, or a Finger held up to the Nose; I have hated those sort of tricks, ever since I've read my Lord Bacon's Essays, where, under the Title of seeming wise, (he saith) such persons help themselves with Countenance and Gesture, and are wise by signs, and when they know within themselves, they speak of that they do not well know, would nevertheless seem to others to know of that which they may not well speak. Therefore Sir, if you would do any good upon me, you must speak, and not leave me to conjecture what you can say.  Cap. 
Psha! I see you do not know the World: pray read this Paper.  P. 
A Club to consist of threescore Lords and Genletmen. Imprimis, They shall be called the Improvers of England. Item, They shall meet twice in the week. Item. They shall have provided for them a pennyworth of Cheese, Bread, Beer and Mustard. A brave Treat for Lords I confess! I'll read no more, unless you tell me how this Paper is pertinent to our former Discourse.  Cap. 
This is to satisfy you, that I am not only one that seem wise; for I was Chairman of the Club, and I tell you, there were some there under my Instructions, would have baffled all the Coise; therefore whate'er you may think on me, you see some Ingenious Gentlemen have thought me fit to be their Instructor.  P. 
That any Ingenious man desired you to be Chairman, is more than I know, or ever heard on before; But pray Sir no more of that! Tell me what you mean by saying The Great Ones have another Game to play.  Cap. 
You will understand it too soon, I am sure I foresaw what's now coming upon us, before you was born.— We are a lost People— a lost People! An undone Nation, An undone Nation!  P. 
Still more Riddles! Good Captain what's the matter? What's the City on Fire at one end, and are they cutting Throats at the other?  Cap. 
You may sport at these things, you are but a young man, and cannot see so far as I do: that Priest yonder, can tell you, 'twill not be long before you must burn, unless you are resolved (as he is) to turn.  P. 
Do you know that Gentleman?  Cap. 
No, I never saw the man before.  P. 
How can you pretend to be acquainted with his Resolves?  Cap. 
What do you talk of pretend? pray who does not know that all the Clergy of the Church of England (as you phrase it) are a Pack of— I know what?  P. 
What do you mean by I know what? for my part I am very well satisfied, if you did know what they were, you would speak of them with as much Reverence, as you do Detraction.  Cap. 
Psha! I tell you they are all a parcel of Self-interested Fellows, and Papists in their Hearts.  P. 
I perceive you are such an Enemy to Prerogative, that you'll encroach even upon the Almighty's, and not suffer him to monopolise the knowledge of Hearts; but how ignorant, as well as impious this Affirmation is, will appear: for how can they be self-interested, and for Popery? for if that comes in, there will a great many come to share with them in their Spiritual Live.  Cap. 
You are a young man, and run too fast; for any one knows, if Popery gets once the upper hand, all the Lands taken from the Church in H. 8. time will be restored again; though some therefore do come to share with them, yet their Advantages will be much greater.  P. 
You may as well say every private man's Estate will be taken from him, and given to the Church; for no man holds any Estate by a stronger Title, than the Purchasers of Church-lands hold those Lands: for first they were sold by Act of Parliament, and in Queen Mary's Days instead of abrogating that Act, it was corroborated by another, to which the consent of his Holiness was given; and if this be not Security strong enough, I'll be content (though I confess 'twill be a great punishment) to write in Vindication of a Register. But Sir, to let this Slip of yours pass, pray instruct me for what reason our worthy Divines stand condemned in your Judgement, for Papists?  Cap. 
For what Reasons? Why, don't all the World know they are against Bringing in the Bill, etc. and that they openly pray for the Duke?  P. 
Is this all?  Cap. 
All! Ay and enough too.  P. 
I am sorry to see you thus hurried on by a blind Zeal; for why should they not pray for his Highness? Let him be good or bad, their Prayers are necessary; if good, that he may be so preserved, if bad, that he may be reclaimed and converted.  Cap. 
I shall not so much insist upon this; but as to the other Points, I mean the Bill: I have a Paper in my Pocket will confound all your Divines, and all your Lawyers put together; here, do but read, and you'll be convinced.  P. 
What, it's Entitled A Word without Doors?  Cap. 
The same.  P. 
I have read him already; but for my part, I neither approve of the Man, nor his Reasons.  Cap. 
Not the Man! Why you don't know who ' 'tis.  P. 
But I know he fails in his Morals, by injuriously calumniating both His Majesty, and all the Worthy Clergy of our Church: for Pag. 3. he tells you, 'tis the constant Practice of Churchmen to debauch young Gentlemen with ill Principles: and, the Episcopal Sees, Deaneries, etc. were the certain and constant Rewards of such Services: such Superlative Impudence ought to be quelled, not with a Pen, but with the Magistrates Sword. However, this is to be said in alleviation of his Fault, what he has spoke, is so grossly false, that no one (in their Wits) will believe him.  Cap. 
Pray let this alone, come to his Reasons; methinks you do not care to meddle with them.  P. 
I will show you, there is not one thing, in the whole Pamphlet, worthy the name of a Reason: For as to the first and last position, which he so much endeavours to refute (and God knows does it boldly enough) there is no need of them to maintain this Cause, so that the four first Pages and the four last, (which the Gentleman is pleased to give us ex abundanti) contains only a parcel of insignificant Stuff. As for his Instance of Reboboam, that God said This thing was of Him, what then? Therefore he approved of the Action of the Rebels. This looks like the Logic of one that rails at the University. Is there any Evil in the City, and I have not done it, saith the Lord; Ergo he approves of the afflicting Instruments. He hardened Pharoah's Heart, that he might not let the Children of Israel go; ergo he was pleased with Pharaoh for keeping them. A brave Divine! Indeed the Church of England men and he do differ on Opinion.  Cap. 
Well, but he hath other Instances.  P. 
I tell you Sir, they are all impertinent; for he hath neither proved his Cases to be parallel to ours, nor that the Actors did what they did justly; the question between us, is not only what hath, and what may be done; but what hath justly, and may justly be done; for unless he will argue, Every thing that hath been done, hath been justly done (which is like his Logic) he hath said nothing to the purpose. When he can prove that William and Henry did justly exclude Rob. who was their right and true King de Jure, he will speak to the Point: But pray observe his Reason why Rob. was put by; because William was not an honest man, not because Rob. was dishonest. What think you, is not this a brave Fellow to be in Print? I so much insist Sir, upon this Term justly; because the Supreme Authority may chance to do something unjust: (else instead of Destroying, he'll Make. Pope's) for they may do something against the Divine Law. But to be short, what think you of Strafford's Case? I hope we all know that Act of Parliament was sufficiently repent of, because 'twas unjust. Let us see then how it suits with our Case; Strafford received a more severe punishment by that Act, than the Laws of the Realm had provided for such Offences; this was all, and here lay the injustice of the Act. If this Bill had passed, the D. had received more severe Punishment for his Faults, than the Laws of the Realm have provided in such Cases; either therefore, that Act was just, or this Bill unjust. In Tricesimo Quinto of the Queen it is with good reason provided, if any made open Submission and, Declaration of his or their Conformity, that then they shall be discharged, of and from all and every the Penalties and Punishments inflicted. Now suppose the D. should conform: if this Bill had passed, it had nothing availed him; and though the meanest Subject in the Kingdom might have taken Advantage by his Conformity, yet the D. could not; a most unreasonable thing. Now upon the whole matter I appeal to any impartial man, whether this Argument will not hold: All Subjects ought in reason and justice to bear equal Punishment for equal Faults. But if the Bill had passed, the D. had had a more severe Punishment than any other Subject for the same Fault; Therefore, etc. We have hitherto taken it for granted the D. is a Papist, but now let us see whether the Parliament could justly (when the Bill was brought) take notice of him as such; I demand therefore, Had he been legally convicted of Popery?  Cap. 
I cannot say that.  P. 
Why then, every man is supposed innocent, till he be Tried, and proved Guilty; and I believe all people will agree to this Argument, That 'tis highly unjust to Condemn any man unheard; but if this Bill had passed, the D. had been Condemned unheard; therefore he had been unjustly Condemned. 'Tis certain by the same Reason and Justice, they may make a Law to Condemn one man unheard, they may make a Law to Condemn all men unheard; and how would you like such a Law?  Cap. 
I perceive you conclude the Duke to be guilty of no other Fault but Popery; but alas! we all know there are a great many other Offences laid to his Charge, and things of a high Nature too— but no more of that.  P. 
Now are we to believe you have a thundering Reserve, when in truth you do not know so much as you have spoke. Suppose him Sir, to be Actor of the most and greatest Crimes that ever mortal man was; let him (without Favour) be charged with them all; but let him be summoned to make his Defence, and then from what Imputation he cannot clear himself, let him suffer for it according to the Laws in such Cases: But that there should be new Laws made to punish His particular Person only, or that he should be condemned unheard, are things I will maintain (against you and all the Fanatic Crew) to be Dissentaneous both to right Reason and Justice.  Cap. 
Talk what you will, I cannot believe but that the Parliament may lay the next Heir aside: for what if he should be a Fool, or a Madman; must we be governed by him?  P. 
I begin now to be weary with your Impertinence. Pray, who does not know 'tis every man's Fate (according to Law and Reason) that is an Idiot, or Madman to lose the Government of his Inheritance, and this rather fortifies than exonerates what I have said: That Justice must be alike to all Subjects. Therefore I hope I have fully evinced, that though the Divines are against the Bill, (which is more than either you or I know) they are not for that blame-worthy.  Cap. 
Nay, talk as long as you will, I shall still be of the same mind.  P. 
Well, I see you are an obstinate, prejudiced Man, therefore I'll take my Leave.  
Farewell.  
FINIS.