THE DISCOVERY of A NEW WORLD or A Description of the South Indies. Hitherto unknown By an English Mercury  
Imprinted for Ed: Blount and W. Barrett.   

TO THE TRUE mirror of truest honour, WILLIAM Earl of Penbroke.  
IF IT BE an offence (my noble LORD) to show our Affections unto those we honour in any object of dutyfullnesse whatsoever: then have I offended, and must kneel for remission. But if love and gratitude be law dabble effects, in what form soever they appear, then have not I broken any condition of decorum, in consecrating this work to your illustrious honour. It bore the badge of an honourable Patron in the original: and I could make it do no less in the translation. And for mine election, the world's general decay of the esteem of learning, in those breasts that have best means to support it, and the farre-spread fame of your glory, by that Phoenix-bounty that hath left all the land to build her nest in your bosom, these motives have more than induced me to approach so near that bright lustre your Honour lights the world with, as to bear one part in the Hymns of your praises, by this dutiful dedication▪ And (good my Lord) herein be▪ you my seaven-sold shield against the shout of all those blistered mouths, whose most felicity is to mis-interprete most maliciously: Or do but give me foote-holde, and then let me alone to beat all their disgraces about their own ears, and the whole worlds, in a true satyric fury; in an Ariosto's Swan, that shall snatch their names from times all-wasting skirt, and bear them up, to everlasting record in the Temple of Infamy. But for my duty to your sacred virtues, let this express me: I will be that Bolognian dog, whose faith purchased him this Epitaph: that he did always 
Latrai a ladri, & a gli amanti tacqui, etc.  
Bark loud at thieves, and make them ever fail:  
But when friends came, lay down, & waged his tail.  Such am I: consecrated to your Lordship's service: and under the protection of this mine own zeal, adventure to present you with A discovery and no discovery, of a world and no world, both known and unknown, by a traveler that never traveled. Written first in Latin, and no Latin, and now translated, and yet not translated, by the same man, yet not the same man that first of all penned it.  
Your Honour's most zealously devoted: I. H.   

To the Readers, Instructions for their voyage into this new world.  
THere are divers inquisitive sceptics (unpartial reader, for such I would have thee to be,) who since this new Discovery of the South Indies, upon some oversight of mine own, in not giving sufficient intimation of the grounds whence I had the first light of the said Discovery, as also of the manner wherein I have proceeded upon the said grounds have outrun their own judgements in descanting far otherwise of this work, than a favourable censure would ever have held it to deserve, and being either lead with too much zeal to the well deserving virtues of that Reverend man that long ago laid the first project of this Discovery, or with (it may be a true) observation of some imperfection in me that now of late have raised this new building upon that old foundation: have taken occasion both to think him less worthy of their good conceits, and also to proclaim me a just deserver of the severest and most exemplary censures. Which wrong done unto him (whom I must ever reverence) hath bound me to make an ingenuous acknowledgement of mine own forgetfulness in the first edition of this present work, rather than to sit still and see his reputation exposed to the misconstructions to which my negligence is (& in some judgements, justly) imagined to have given the first and original cause. But let this protestation be (if it may be) sufficient to remove the weight of siniste imputations from his gravity, and lay them upon mine own youthfulness, that I dare engage my life, there is no man in the whole world, who hath either conversed with himself in person, or his works in print, that ever will surmise this present copy to have had any testimony of his acknowledgement, or approbation to be any way befitting his place, or (which is more) his profession. Wherefore to give a full answer unto that gross misprision of theirs, who imagine the work itself to have been of his writing and publishing in the form wherein it now passeth; whereby they take occasion to tax him of divers (in their judgement) immodest, light, scurrilous, and ridiculous passages therein. I do here absolutely aver, and give notice to all that shall hereafter take view hereof, This work was never his, he never saw it, never dreamt of any such matter, until he met it in the hand of another man. There was indeed a little book some 8. or 9 years ago that came from Frankford, which some few (I know not upon what illumination more than ordinary) affirmed to have passed the file of his muse, which if it be true, it can be no way in the world either prejudicial to his learning, (seeing it hath all perfection fitting an absolute poem) nor to his gravity or profession, seeing it was a birth of his youth; wherein nevertheless I will a vow that he hath towered above the capacities (at least above the imitation) of all those overweening judgements that dare any way presume to traduce his original. In just defence of which worthy work, I cast defiance in the teeth of all that malice or traduce him, that it is neither any way scurrilous, immodest, light, nor ridiculous: and I will give the proudest Critic that lives, as many years as he and his fellows have been fools, either to parallel it, or to pick any the least touch out of it, which cannot be defended even till his wits that shall oppose, be drawn as dry as ever Dutchman left cup.  
But as touching this present pile of English, it is mine, it hath no further alliance to his, than chalk hath to cheese, for as these have no coherence in their nearest proprieties (which translations should never want) but only in their general kind of essence as they are both corporeal substances; no more doth this work any way resemble his in fashion, style, or discourse, but only in the invention and project. As for the passages in it, which some pretend to be scurrilous or immodest, there may perhaps be some indeed that carry not that ponderous respect in them which an ancient judgement, or retired gravity may seem to require: I grant it, what would ye have more? they are flashes of youth: semel insanivimus omnes; And I pray ye (that censure me so ruthlessly) which of you all is there, but one time or other in the forenoon of your days, hath had his vagaries in the world, and hath flown out sometimes as well as I? Oh but, not inprint, says some severer Critic! Alas yet had Ovid his Amores, Seneca his Lusus in Claudium, and others as grave as he, their exorbitances now and then as unguirt as others! But that these weaknesses (for so I confess they are) in me, should be made as stains to the reputation of another, of one whose learning, life, and works now extant may serve as purging fires whereat all those that hence have taken occasion to wrong him thus, might long ago have lighted their ignorance were it never so immense; that my lightnesses should be reputed as births of his worthiness! Oh that my pen (whereby since I have ignorantly injured him, I do thus willingly and freely clear him) could but make them see what an unjust construction they have made of an ignorant (and I protest utterly unwilling) offence! But since mine own unwariness gave first occasion of those unkind, and more than foolish callumniations which ignorance draweth from mine error, to stain his goodness with; all the satisfaction I can give him, is to show myself willing to make a fair way again for his deserts, in the bosoms of such as hence take their occasion of dislike, by proclaiming this truth to all that shall read it, that this present Discovery of the South-Indies is none of his, but had this form given it, without his knowledge, by one who will ever acknowledge his worth & gravity to have been utterly ignorant of any unfit phrase whatsoever included in the whole book. He whom my contrition, and this satisfaction (COLLATERALLY) cannot content, is without mercy, and I assure myself will die without merit, if he be not quickly shipped away for this new Continent, with letters of commendation to all our friends in Cockscombaya.  
As for you (gentlemen and friends) whose judgements have given gracious acceptance to this our Imaginary world, I will ever endeavour to further your contentments with the best inventions that the labours of a young scholar can produce. You, (right jovial spirits) and none but you, are they to whom I consecreate these my travels, since none but you can discern the sense which they include. Only in one thing I must entreat your favourable Censures, and that is, in my allusions here and there unto the names of some cities of fame and respect, both of our own, and others: assuring you (as your true examination of the particulars may assure you better) that I had no intent to intimate any collation or reference of the state or manners of those I describe, unto theirs to which I allude. Let this protestation therefore clear me from sinister imputations, and you from all untrue suppositions.  
And know all you that have not yet seen these Lands, but intent to take a view of them hereafter, that you must first of all take one of that French Doctors pills, Despovillez vous de tout affection, and this will enable you fully to endure the alteration of all airs in this clime. Secondly you must never travel single, but two, or three in a company, for one you know may apprehend more than another can, and those before, that have miscarried in this voyage, as you have heard, incurred their misfortunes only by neglecting this direction, and by too much conversing with those of the Foolianders nation. Thirdly, you must go over the country thrice, ere you shallbe able to make any exact platform of it: Once for Strabo, once for Socrates, and once for Merlin Cocaius; The first for the Geography, the second for the Morality, and the third for the Language, and Etymology. No more at this time, but aboard when you please and a good gale of wit go along with you.  
His, that is his. JOHN HEALEY.   

A Table of the chapters.  

The first Book.  
THE discovery of the land of Tenter-belly part of the South Indies bordering upon Tierra del fuego, and the situation thereof. liber 1. chapter 1.  
Eat-allia and Drink-allia. chap. 2.  
Dressembourg the first Canton of Eat-allia. cap. 3.  
Banquetois the second Canton of Eat-allia. cap. 4.  
Pewter-platteria the third Canton of Eat-allia. cap. 5  
The metropolitaine City of Eat-allia and the people's conditions. cap. 6.  
The wars of the Eat-allians. cap. 7.  
Of Idle-bergh an Imperial free town. cap. 8.  
The laws of the land. cap. 9  
Their religion. cap. 10.  
The election of the great Duke. cap. 11.  
Of Starveling Island, or Hungerland. cap. 12.   

Drinke-allia the second Province of Tenter-belly and the conditions of the Inhabitants. Chap. 1.  
THE shires of their country. cap. 2.  
The description of Carousi-kanikin the chief city of Drink-allia, as also of the fashions and conditions of the Drink-alls. cap. 3.  
Of the Knights of the golden Tun, and of the laws of the City. cap. 4.  
The arts, and military discipline of the Drink-alls. cap. 5.  
The funerals of one of the chief Quagmyrists, and the sacrifices of Bacchus. cap. 6.  
Of Hot-watria or Lycor-Ardent, and of the Pilgrimage to Saint Borachio. cap. 7. And last of the first book.   

The second Book.  
THE description of Shee-landt, or Womandecoia and of the situtation thereof. cap. 1.  
How the Gossipingoesses used the author of this descovery. cap. 2.  
Their forms of government, and elections of persons of State. cap. 3.  
The original of the Sheelandresses. cap. 4.  
Of Gigglot-tangir. cap. 5.  
Of Double-sex I'll, otherwise called Skrat or Hermophrcodite Island. cap. 6.  
Of Srews-bourg. cap. 7.  
And last of the second book.   

The third Book, or the descovery of Fooliana and the Situation and populousness thereof. Chap. 1.  
THE parts of Fooliana and the people's conditions in general. cap. 2.  
Of Fooliana the fickle. cap. 3.  
Of the people's conditions and attires. sect. 1.  
Of the Duke and Inhabitants of Solitaria the sad. sect. 2. 3. 4.  
Of Cholericoy the other Duchy of Fooliana the craggy. cap. 5.  
Fooliana the fond. cap. 6.  
Of Ass-sex. sect. 2.  
Of the Cities of Cocks-combria, and Ass-sex and of Blocks-foord the metropolitan sea. sect. 3.  
Of the Bourgue-maisters of Blocks-foord. sect. 4.  
Of the Marquisate of Spendal-ezza. sect. 5. and 6.  
Of Fooliana the fat. cap. 7.  
The quality and condition of the people. sect. 2.  
The paradise of Fooliana the fat. sect. 3.  
Of Fooliana the devout. cap. 8.  
Sectoriova the second Province of Fooliana the devout. sect. 2.  
The State politic of Fooliana, in general. cap. 9  
And last of the third book.   

The fourth Book, or the descovery of Theeuingen and the description thereof. Chap. 1.  
THE conditions of the Robberswalders. cap. 2.  
The pirates, and Sea-borderers of Robbers-walder. cap. 3.  
How the author got into this country of the Harpies. cap. 4.  
Of Lyers-buy plains; The natures of the Leger-demanians of Free-purlogne, and Bags-death. cap. 5.  
Of Lurtch-thrift a Country in Legerdemain. cap. 6.  
Of Still-moore. cap. 7.  
And last of the forth book.   
FINIS.   

❧ The occasion of this travel, and the pre-instruction for it.  
MINE acquaintance with travelers of all sorts, is both well known to our University men, and recorded by the courteous correspondence that have been ever held between strangers and me: whether this of Homer moved me to this humour, 
〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉  
〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉:  Or were it that mine unquenched thirst and desire of knowledge, together with the applausive carriage I found in these men, were the motives to these effects, I know not. I was already fully acquainted with all the rarities of mine own Nation: and falling into a discourse of the profit of travel with two Aliens of my near acquaintance (Peter Beroaldus, a Frenchman, and Adrian Cornelius Droge, a Dutchman) wherein we had many delightful passages about comparisons of languages, conditions, and cities; at last, In troth (quoth Beroaldus) I know not as yet what travel means, if he that leaves his native soil to pass but into a neighbour country, or over a neighbour river (admit it be the Rhine, or the Tweed) deserve this name (as vulgar opinion seems to allow) whereas he never changes either sky, air, or soil: I see not (if this be true) any profit or worth in the world, contained in travel. My parents & friends at Montauban, have written very often for my return, as though I were far from them: whereas I (believe me) have imagined myself all this whole two years at home: for how little a way is it from Mountauban to Paris, from Paris to Calais, from Calais to Dover? Truly when I think of the land, it seems about an elle: in the Map a finger-breadth: in the form of the heavens, just nothing. Nor see I any reason why that France should he held my native soil more than all Europe: for if you stand upon diversity of language, how many languages (I pray ye) have ye in Europe quite different from the French? If the conditions of the nations move ye, view not Europe, but view the whole world, and every Province thereof, leaning to the qualities of those that adjoin upon it, as the Polipus turns into the colour of every stone she comes near! O Beroaldus (quoth I again) but we do envy at the licence you have to contemn travel: we (wretches) that like Tortoises, are bound to our own houses, whilst you have taken survey of all the world's singularities, and now that you are filled with their knowledge, you set them at nought thus. Might I but view the Snowy Alps, or the shady Pyrenes, oh how much should I think myself beholding to mine eyes at my resting time, when all that I had seen should turn to my benefit, and store mine understanding with a fresh fraught of knowledge! Ah how much (quoth Beroaldus) doth absence promise him that would be present, and how vain are the hopes that attend on ignorance! friend, when I was at home, unexperienced, I thought as you do; but trial hath now taught me to see mine own simplicity. A travel of so small toil yields easy satisfaction: and in this, your expectation shall exceed your experience in all those novelties. Foreign parts are so like ours, that you cannot think them strange to ye, though you never saw them before. And what is there in all the known world, which maps, and authors cannot instruct a man in, as perfectly as his own eyes? your England is described by Cambden: what understanding man is there, that cannot, out of him, make as perfect a description of any city, river, monument, or wonder in all your Isle, as well as if he had viewed it in person himself? What part of Europe is there that affords more to a stranger's eye than is related by one penman or other? The several conditions of the people are all described already: as far as either pen or experience can set down: but neither can give any universal knowledge. The French are commonly called rash, the Spaniard proud, the Dutch drunken; the English the busi-bands; the Italians effeminate; the Swethen timoroas, the Bohemians inhuman; the Irish barbarous and superstitious: but is any man so sottish, as to think that France hath no stayed man at all in it; Spain, no meacock; or Germany none that lives soberly? They are fools (believe it) that will tie men's manners so firm unto the stars, that they will leave nothing to a man's own power, nothing to the parents natures, nothing to nurture and education. View this Parnassus here, whereon we live: Suppose here were a College of Italians, Spanish, French, Danes, Dutch and Polacques? do you think to find more variety of dispositions in this company of Students, than you may do amongst your own English?  
Turn ye therefore which way ye will, I cannot see how this half a foot travel can benefit us any way, excepting that we may reap some annimation to learning by the sight of such great Scholars, as Whitaker, Raynolds, Bellarmine, Beza, junius, Lipsius, and such like as those were. Indeed I hold, that your Drake and your Candish were travelers, as also Sebastian Delcano, the Portughesse, because their voyages put girdles about the whole world: Nay I will allow Chrystopher Colono that name also, for his discovery of the West Indies, Francisco Piccaro, and Almagro for Peru, Hernando Magellano for the Moluccaes', and Sir Hugh Willoughbye for his Northern discoveries: together with all such as either have first found out unknown regions, or have brought them to order. And truly (I will tell you two plain) my mind doth prompt me with some noble enterprise of this kind, such as the world might gaze at, and all posterity record with admiration. With that he blushed, and held his peace, as if he had blabbed some bold secret. Yea Beroaldus (quoth Drogius to him) & dare you not speak it out? do you imagine to torture our minds with setting them on work upon doubtful inquiries, or is your modest secret (hitherto so closely suppressed) afraid to adventure upon so many ears at once? Nay speak what ere it be, we have clear brows (look you) open ears, and faithful hearts: nor can your unknown enterprise come to light either with more security, or fitter occasion. Well Drogius well, (quoth Beroaldus) you take my silence in no good sense, but mix it with your conjectures, that though great matters never go but (like as Princes do with their numerous trains) with a great preamble of ambiguous terms; yet that I should not do so, but vent a ponderous conceit, a birth that my brain hath travelled a year with, all naked, without any praemonitions. In truth I resolved at the first to let you know it: marry not without some gradual proceedings, and material preparations, without which, I know well how fond the wisest project doth commonly seem: but now I see myself chained to a headlong discovery maugre my beard, unless I should give you just cause to call my love to you both, in question. Wherefore you shall know it: sooner (I assure you) than I did intend, but with no less willingness: Only imagine you, that you have already heard mine intended premonition.  
It hath ever offended me to look upon the Geographical maps, and find this: Terra Australis, nondum Cognita. The unknown Southern Continent. What good spirit but would grieve at this? If they know it for a Continent, and for a Southern Continent, why then do they call it vnknowe? But if it be unknown; why do all the Geographers describe it after one form and site? Idle men that they are, that can say, this it is, and yet we know it not: How long shall we continue to be ignorant in that which we profess to have knowledeg of? 
Certé si nemo unquam  
— w— Fragilem truci  
Commisisset Pelago ratem   
If none had ever been So bold as to expose the slender bark unto the Ocean's teen  
Then we might have had some excuse for our obstinate (we may even as well confess it) and notorious idleness: But seeing all is opened now; seeing there is not a ship-boy but knows all the winds, creeks, shelves and harbours of the whole world; sly upon this sloth of ours, this more than female fear, this vain carelessness, that wittingly and willingly robs us of another world. What colour have we for it? what fear we? shadows, or ourselves? there is heaven, there is earth in that continent, & there is men, perhaps more civil than we are. Who ever expected such wit, such government in China? such arts, such practice of all cunning? we thought learning had dwelled in our corner of the world: they laugh at us for it and well may▪ avouching that they of all the earth, are twoeyed men, the Europians the one eyed, and all the world else, stark blind. But admit there be no men in this climate: it is a shame for a wise man either to fear or complain of solitariness.  
These thoughts have fired my breast full often: and whilst others neglect them, have kindled a bold attempt in me, beyond the rest. I see the land lie unknown; no man dreams of it; I will assay to discover it. Your enterprise Beroaldus (quoth I) is great, and almost more than mortal power can execute. However it succeed, I applaud your generous spirit, as like your own: but as you said, great matters, as they require many praemonitions, so do they more premeditations. Have you therefore cast your full account of the dangers, labours, hopes, expenses, and all other such accidents as must attend this your attempt? There is heaven you say: there may be so, and yet you be kept from the sight of it by perpetual darkness.  
There is earth; but you may be driven out of that by beasts and serpents: There are men: but perhaps you had rather want their company, when you know them, then have it. If one of you Patagonian Giants should catch your and eat you quite up, where are you then my fine discoverer? It is good thinking of those things, but it is dangerous trying. O sir (saith Beroaldus again) you know not that the Cape of good hope lies over against this land. We must hope, and we must dare. Those bugbeares of dangers at fit to fright babies: but they animate bolder spirits. If we should stick at them, we should never look out at our own doors. That was the cause America lay so long unknown, and had done still (for aught I see) but that GOD sent a Dove from Heaven, which plucking of an Olive branch from this Continent, taught us by that, that there was yet more land, and less sea than we dreamt of: O how sacred shall his name beheld with all posterity! His statue shallbe advanced, for us all to gaze upon, whilst earth keeps her foundation. It is as great a glory (think I) to be called The new world's discoverer, as her conqueror. And why may not we have that success, and the like glory? I am the more excited to this, by that ancient, and famous prophecy of Seneca, which remaineth unto us to fulfil.  
Seneca in Mcdea.  
— Venient annis  
Secula seris, quando Oceanus  
Vnicula rerum laxet, & ingens  
●ateat Tellus.  
— When certain years are spent Hereafter; shall the spumy Ocean show ●is secret store, and open to mortals view— A larger continent.  
What can be spoken more plain, to point out this discovery? Here did Drogius reply: What Man? beware how you raise so great a building on so weak a foundation. Your Dove hath fulfilled your Poet's conjectures, all of them, already. The sum of years is now run: America is that large continent. Dream you of any other either age, or discovery? I know the generality of your opinion (quoth Beroaldus) but I doubt of the truth, for Prophecies are always the futuro: and what if I prove the country America to be known to former ages? If I do, Senecaes' words are no presage, but an intimation of a thing done. Now I am fully persuaded that some part of these west Indies was that Ophir, where Salomon's and hiram's navy had their gold. For whereas there are five several opinionists touching this, viz. 1. Rabanus, Maurus and Nicholaus de Lyra, affirming that Ophir was in the East-Indies. 2. Volateranus, and Ortelius, avoutching it to be an Island in the Ethiopian Ocean, from an apocryphal relation of one Lewis Venetus; 3. Gaspar Varerius, who affirmed all that was contained in Pegu, Malaca, and Sumatra, to be whilom called by this name. 4. Francis Vatablus whom Colonus also (as P. Martyr saith) did follow: who said that Hispaniola was Ophir. 5. William Postelius, Goropius Becanus, and Arias Montanus, all which avoutch directly that Ophir was this continent in which Peru lieth. Of these the two last, and likeliest, make for us, I care not which you take. The first two, Varerius hath overthrown, horse & foot: to add more were too superfluous. Sufficeth only that I prove him erroneous, in putting Pegu, Sumatra & Malaca for Ophir. And first, holy writ saith plain, that those two navies were two years out, in each of their voyages to Ophir: but the space of 10. months, or 12. at the most, will serve to pass and return from the red sea to Sumatra: how then can this proposition of time agree with his opinion? what can Varerius say to this: that navigation was not exact then, as the portugals have made it since, and therefore in such a vast room for ignorance, the navies might spend the more in a wrong course.  
Well sir, but how came Solomon to the knowledge of this far distant land? From God you say, I believe ye. So then, he that taught him that there was such a land, and that there was gold in such a land, and advised him to send thither, would not he (think you) show him the right way thither? Again, the time of their being out is always set down but one: at the end of which they evermore returned, neither staying longer, nor coming sooner: which proves the distance of the place, and not the error of the sailors. Lastly, the very name speaketh for us as plain as may: 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 and 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 do but transpose one letter, and they are all one. Let me therefore hold you for incredulous obstinates if you confess not that America was known long before Senecaes' time. You are victor Beroaldus, quoth I, and may now lawfully triumph: But admit that it was known to Solomon, and his navigators; doth it follow therefore that it was discovered to the whole world beside, and such as had no commerce at all with the jews? or might not the memory of it be utterly extinct before the later times of the romans? Which if it were, your opinion and Senecaes' presage are both overthrown. Nay nay, quoth Beroaldus, I am not so easily disheartened with shadows of reason. This sit doubt of yours, gives me the stronger foote-hold. History is not silent in this discovery, but preserves the memory of it even unto the last posterities of the Romans. For you know that from Solomon to the building of Carthage was little less than 150. years. But the Carthaginians (as Aristotle witnesseth, nor can I believe that they did this in their cities infancy) after a tedious navigation did find an Island beyond the Gades, (which can be none but this) situate in the Atlantike sea; whereupon they made a law (which is a true sign that neither did they people it, nor the rest of the world, as then, commonly knew it) that none should ever sail thither again; fearing lest the wealthy and pleasant soil should allure the Citizens to leave Carthage and go dwell there. Now the Grecians having this knowledge of it from Carthage, how should it be ever kept from Rome? But sirs, kick against the truth as long as you list, or yield to it as I do: I am most firmly persuaded that Senecaes' large continent is yet undiscovered, and stays to yield us this glory, if we dare venture on it. For myself; I am coming (my world) after so many vows, and delays, now I come at last, all freight with hope and confidence, either to unmask thee to Europe, or to lay my bones in thee. And you (my friends and fellows) if there be any true virtue, or love of glory in your breasts, go and share with me in my fortunes in this great enterprise. Shame go with those frozen bosoms that affect nothing but security and in glorious estate; that like no sepulchre but of the nations earth where they first breathed. We shall thirst, we shall be sick, we shall perish, O base hearing! unseemly for a Philosopher once to think upon! And shaming the thoughts of travelers, of such as seek out a new world, and scorn this old one. There wanteth nothing but a good will. If ye be men take that will unto ye, arm yourselves against weak opinativenesse, and let us undertake that journey which may be perhaps, delightful, and cannot but prove glorious unto us howsoever it may seem laborious. If not, lusk at home with vigour without honour: I will find some that shall bear me company in this famous enterprise, whose after renown you may perhaps envy too late. Here he stopped his speech, and beheld us with an eye somewhat disturbed. His pithy speech (whereof I cannot rehearse the tenth part) moved us much, and so did our desires of novelty and glory: briefly, we assented, and resolved all to assay this great discovery, and embarked ourselves in a ship called The Fancy, taking our leaves of all our friends and acquaintance.  
After three days we arrived on the Belgic shores, and at the weeks end in Aquitane: but Drogius stayed behind at Delfe, and Beroaldus left me here and departed unto Monutauban, against both their wills: exposing me to the derision of all mine acquaintance, after their great expectation of this our discovery unless I would proceed, and adventure upon all those unknown perils alone. Yet this unexpected departure of theirs did not overcome my resolution, but I would needs forwards, and having (after two years) passed the Canaries, the coasts of Africa, and Monomotapa: At last I arrived at that promontory of Tenter-belly, which is called Il Cabo Negro.   


The discovery of the land of Tenter-belly, a part of the South Indies, bordering upon Terra del fuego.  
THE FIRST BOOK,  

Of the situation thereof.  
THe land of Tenter-belly is a region far extending both in longitude and latitude, bounding on the North upon the Ethiopian Ocean, on the East upon 
a For Gluttony is the induction unto lechery.  Letcheritania & Shee-landt: on the South, upon 
b A fat belly makes a lean brain.  Fooliana the fat: and on the West upon Filtching-fennes. It lieth in that undiscovered Continent, where that huge and monstrous Bird called 
c This birds picture is to be seen in the largest maps of the world, with an Elephant in his pounces. And for his insatiate greediness, is held to be the Regions Genius.  RUC, snatcheth up (now and then) a whole Elephant at a stoop, and swappes him up at a bit. This is not incredible, for what I aver, most of our Geographers in their modern discoveries do confirm.  
Touching the soil, the fertility is most worthily admirable: the air most delicately temperate: o how I have pitied, that so bad husbandmen should possess so happy an habitation. In latitude it lieth full sixty degrees, and in longitude seventy four from Cabo de bona speranza, and is situate almost directly opposite unto the Southern frontiers of Africa. Such Cosmographers as write hereof, divide it generally into two Provinces, Eat-allia (called otherwise in the natural idiom of the inhabitants Gluttonia) and Drink-allia, or (in the same language) Quaffonia: the former, situate in the same longitude and latitude (God save the sample) with our England and the later, with the two Germanies. Both have one Prince, both one law: and a little reformation would make them concur both in Prince, law, habit and manners.   

Eat-allia, or Gluttonia. CHAP. 1.  
EAt-allia, is in form triangular, like the Greek letter Delta, which beareth this form: [Δ] It is 
d And so are most of you Belly gods, the inhabitants thereof.  as broad as long, and resembleth the figure of the old Egypt; being full of high sky towering hills, and yet so fertile, that the very Birds (that flock thither from all places to feed) if they stay but one three months at the mangery this soil affords them, are so ladened with the luggage of their own fattened bodies, that they cannot possibly get wing so high as to over-toppe one of the meaner mountains, but become sworn inhabitants of this fat country all their lives after. Fat? why your Italian Ortolano, or Beccafico is but carrion to them. No. they are rarely fed. This may seem a fiction, but he that hath seen the works of nature in Scotland, where the leaves that fall from certain trees, lying but a while to rot, become a goodly kind of fowl called 
f Hector Boetius, Holinshed, etc.  Barnacles, (which are a kind of wild-geese) or in Scythia, where (as an honourable ambassador of ours hath given an approved testimony) there are certain creatures grow out of the earth in the shapes of 
g The Dukes of Muscovie have the skins of these creatures kept for their own uses: they grow in Horda zavolh a plain in Scythia, and are called the skins of Samarchand. Of this lamb you may read in Scaliger, Excercit. 59 cardan. Baro Heberstin. & Libau. tract de agno vegetab.  Lambs, which being fast joined unto the stalk they grow upon, do notwithstanding eat up all the grass about them: he (I say) that hath assurance of these rare effects, cannot but assent unto mine assertions as most authentical. But (to leave digressions, and to return to our purpose) The fishes of the Eat-allian shores (and fish they have in great abundance) are naturally so ravenous and greedy, that (whether they partake of the nature of the nation, or like 
h junenal. Satyr. 4.  Nero's Turbot, presage their honourable Sepultures) you can no sooner cast out your angle-hooke amongst them, but immediately, (like the souls in Lucian about Charon's boat, or Cole-miners about the Rope when the candles burning blue tells the damp cometh) you shall have hundreds about the line, some hanging on the hook, and some on the string besides it, such is their pleasure to go to the pot, such their delight to march in pomp from the dresser. Besides, the land hath diverse good havens, but they serve for harbour to no ship but such as comes fraught with good fare, and is laden with delicious viands. If any parcel of their freight have taken Salt-water, or be otherwise offensive to the judgement of the 
i Whose name when I was there, was Sir Spacious Mouth.  master of the customhouse, it cometh not a shore by any means. The soil bears no tree that bears no fruit: Ashes, Oaks, Willows, & such fruitless fill-roomes, such saw I none, for none were there to be seen. But all the hedges (and so it is also in Drink-allia) were stuck thick with Hops: and surely in my conceit, the 
k Shropshire & Worcestershire.  western English and the Lumbards' had this custom (at first) from the Drink-alls.  
This territory of old, was (unless their chronicles do mistake) under the government of the Thrivingers (inhabitants of 
l Only Fooliana lieth between Tenter-belly and Thrivingois: for if men were not fools they would follow thrift and fly luxury.  Thrivingois (a nation lying a good way further into the main land) for their Annals report, how in the days of old Saturn, the Thrivonian Princes bare sway over all this continent, and had their principal seat in that part now called Eat-allia, and that because the men of those times lived most part upon Garlic (called in Latin Allium) therefore was this region called Allia: but foreign invasions ensuing, and those ancient worthies being hereby chased from their places of sovereignty, the conditions of the people grew to a great alteration, & to proportionate the name of the country to the natures of the inhabitants, they added Eat unto the ancient name, Allia, & so from that change, it beareth the name of Eat-allia unto this present.   

Dressembourg, the first Canton of Eat-allia. CHAP. 3.  
DRessembourg, 
a For meat must first be dressed and then eat.  is the first part of this great land of Eat-allia, & fittest for us to begin with in our intended discovery. This Canton (were it not for a greater instinct of natural inclination) is in too hot a climate for any true Eatall to inhabit: for the uttermost corner of it, (which some Geographers name the South cape,) lieth under the same latitude with the most Southern point of Castille, and is about two and forty degrees distant from the equinoctial. The inhabitants be of a swarthy tawny, and most of them have their skins all riveled and withered, and for their conditions, they affect deliciousness rather than excess. Upon the foresaid point of this Canton which we named the Swarthy cape, (as the whole country is wondrously overclouded with smoke, partly because the soil is very Fennish, and partly because of the nearness of Terra del fuego, the land of Fire, which lieth as all the discoverers thereof do with one voice affirm, immediately upon the right hand thereof) standeth the city Kitchen, the buildings of which town are generally very lofty, and yet as generally smoky and evil scented: I imagine that Cochin in the East Indies, was a colony sent at first from this city. In the midst of this city standeth a goodly temple, dedicated to 
b Of him hereafter. chap. 11.  God All-Panch, a vast and spacious building, wherein there are a thousand altars, burning with continual Incense (excepting from Shrovetide unto Easter-even) unto the foresaid Deity. In the midst of this temple is a tower erected, of incredible altitude, no work made with man's hand ever came near it, the Pyramids of Memphis are but molehills to it: the inhabitants called it Chymney-turret, and from the height thereof the whole region round about it have the usual signal of war given them; for whereas we use to give notice of such ensuing dangers by firing a tarre-barrell on the top of a beacon, they on the contrary side have their information from the ceasing of the smoke, for when-so-ever that eternal fume ceaseth to ascend in caliginous clouds, it is a sure warning that the foe approacheth: and this invasion is most commonly attempted by the inhabitants of the Starveling Iles, (otherwise called Hunger-landers,) for these are the most formidable enemies that the Eat-alls have, or can be annoyed by.  
Near unto the said City Kitchen, are certain villages that are all within the liberties thereof: and first, there is coalhouse, a large town truly, and all consisting (a strange form of building) of caves under the ground: then is there Asheton, and that stands upon the top of coalhouse, on a most droughty and barren soil. Tonges-worth, another little village and this Asheton, are both in one parish, and so is Fyer-pan and 
c Otherwise called warming-pan.  Ayre-bumme, two goodly sweet farms: On the left hand you have three others, 
d Three villages where spits, kettles and spounes were first invented.  Spit-stead, Kettle-drop, and Spoones-by, all pretty towns, and marvelous well peopled. Kettle-drop hath a fair river passeth through it, called 
e In English Moisture.  Ture-mois, which (they say) boileth every 24. hours, not much unlike the fountain of the 
f In Darbyshire.  Peake, in England.   

Banquetois, the second Canton of Eat-allia. CHAP. 4.  
PAssing out of Dressembourg, the next Canton ye enter is the very garden of all Eat-allia, it is called Banquetois, and is as it were a continual forest of nothing but Dates, Almonds, Figs, Olives, Pomegranates, Citrons, and Nutmegs: and the river of Oylebrooke hath his course through the heart of all this goodly territory. The City of March-pain is the chief town of note in this Canton, being built after a stately manner with turrets, and obelisks all guilt over, but indeed it is but of a slender kind of fortification, and lieth very open to the enemy's cannon, a little above this City are certain mines, called the Sugar-hills, whence they dig a certain oar in colour whitish, in touch hard, & in taste sweet, a substance 
a Galen knew it not.  unknown of old, & since having been counterfeited by art, and drawn by Alchemy 
b Plin. lib. 12 chap. 8.  out of the Arabian and Indian Reeds. This City hath very few inhabitants of any years that have any teeth left: but all, from 18. to the grave are the natural heirs of stinking breaths. Next unto this, lieth another little corporation called Drugges-burge, and here they have a law, that none must be made free of the City but Apothecaries, Grocers and Boxe-makers. The Sheelandresses use much traffic unto this place, but more unto Letcheritania, where they use to make exchange by bartering crystalline glasses, for unguents and Pomanders. Now for these Drugges-burgers, the very heavens seem to conspire with the places fitness, to increase their trading: for at certain times of the year, you shall have the whole country covered quite over with Aromatical trochisches, comfits and confections, that fall from the air in as great abundance 
c That is always in the Greek Calends. never but then.  (at those times when they do fall) as ever fell shower of Hail: Now I hold this to be nothing really, but that same honeydew which we shall find now and then upon the leaves of the Oak in a kindly spring: the only difference is in the solidity, for where as ours falleth in small dewy drops, theirs is congealed by the cold of the airs middle region, and so falleth in round balls, that rebound in their fall through this their accidental induration.   

Pewter-platteria, the third Canton of Eat-allia. CHAP. 5.  
AS we passed under the 55. degree beyond the line, we entered into a spacious plain, the inhabitants named it Pewter-platteria, and we for brevity sake, entered it in our map under the name of Platters-plaine: it lieth in the very heart of Eat-allia, and the first City that we met within this tract was 
a Built in the same fashion that Cambalu is, if you were ever there.  Victullu, through the midst of which there passeth a river called 
b From this river only the Eat-alls have all their water wherewith they do dress their meat.  Sauce, whose water is somewhat tart in the taste. In the market place of this town we beheld a tomb, which as far as I could guess by the weather-worne inscription, contained the bones of the Roman Apicius. 
Volaterr.  It was no rare piece of work but it was of a most ancient model, 
Autropol. l. 13.  and the tomb-stone was cut in form of a Sea-crab. And surely (let Seneca say what he please) it might very well be that this famous Gurmond having bestowed a great deal of lost labour in seeking bigger Crabs on the African shores then the French afforded, turned his course unto this country, (or else was forced hither by tempest) and so here laid his bones, upon some deadly surfeit. Let the College of Critics be judge.  
I do here purposely omit the fruitful plains of Goblet the great, and Fat-land Forrest: together with the goodly city 
c Like unto Cartaegena in Spain, but far better seated.  Sausagiena: oh there's a town rarely seated, only it stands a little too near the salt-water: I over pass that stinking 
d Two ports where our Hollanders have much traffic.  Cheese-mongeria also, and 
e Two ports where our Hollanders have much traffic.  Butterkin the fenny, the last town of all Eat-allia, and situate upon the very borders of Quaffonia, these I pass over slightly, only because I would fain be at the metropolitan City of the whole region, for that very place alone, in structure of houses, manners of inhabitants, and formality of discipline, is worth all the rest to one that weigheth it well.   

The Metropolitan City of Eat-allia: The people's conditions. CHAP. 6.  
HEreabouts are but few villages, no more then in other places of the land, so that one may easily discern that the 
a And reason good the land is called Eat-allia.  Cities have eaten up all the boroughs. Neither are their Cities so abundant in number as they are in riches and inhabitants, but of them all, the prime and mother City is that famous Flesh-pasty-nople.  
Their old records do report, that in former ages there were two rich and potent Cities, Fleshton, and Pynople, between whom (as is usual amongst great men, and great places, in so much that the 
b Cambridge and Oxford.  two best universities of the world, both of them my mothers, and one of them my nurse also, and both sisters, yet can scarely forbear this froward contention) there was long and vehement altercation about the sovereignty.  
Pynople stood upon high antiquity: and assuredly in old Saturn's time, the world afforded not her parallel. But Fleshton counterpoised the others continuance, with her own glory, pleasant situation and powerfulness: well, a Parliament was called, and finally, the whole house with one consent gave the supremacy unto Fleshton. Such is the vileness of this deprived age, that though it be grey headed with decay, yet will it prefer proud and unripe (or rather to soon ripe novelty) an hundred degrees before pure simple antiquity. 
c This was Pynople the plain: but Oyster pynople, and Potato-py-nople are Cities in Letcheritania, that flourish until this day: being both founded by Hercules, upon his copulation with 50. women upon one night. Georg Cap. currant. de punct. Aretinens. lib. 27.  Pynople being thus disgraced, decayed to nothing, it is at this day almost impossible to know where it stood that was whilom a goodly City never had 
d Spencer in his ruins of time.  Poets, Saint Alban's juster cause to accuse the malice of man and of time, than this poor ruined pile hath to condemn it. Now grew Fleshton into more and more lustre, and both to add a magnificence to the name, as also to past the foil of Pynople upon the forehead of all posterity, it left the last syllable of the old name, and assumed the two last of Pynople for it, joining them, together with the cement whereof the ancient walls were made (called in their language, Payste) and so was thenceforth called Flesh-pasti-nople. Touching the form of it, it is rather vast in compass then comely in buildings: and hath a ditch (or rather a riveret) of spring water running almost through every street, in which water, you shall see a thousand several impayled Fishponds, wherein also they keep Swans; Ducks, Divedappers, Herons, Teals, and all water fowls whatsoever, (as they do now at Auspurg, upon instruction from hence) and this current is called 
c If a pasty have no gravy in it, it is not worth a doite●.  Gravy-ditch. It is double walled about, with the bones that remained of their carnival revel, and these bones were most artificially disposed each in his due place, the great bones standing underneath as pillars to the whole work; the mid-most were next in order above them, and the smallest were ranked in the highest place, and all very well fastened together with mortar made of the whites of eggs; in good sadness most artificially, and with full judgement. Their houses within, were neither too stately nor too lofty, they needed no 
f Strabo. Geog. lib. 5.  Augustus to forbid the building above 70. foot high, nor any 
g Satyra. 3.  Juvenal, or 
h Contro. lib. 3.  Seneca to complain of their stories upon stories. No (faith) they kept a very good course for that.  
They love no ascents by stairs up to their doors, for two causes; partly because it is toilsome to climb up them when their bellies are bombasted, and partly because it is dangerous to come down them when their brains are thoroughly moistened, (as they must be most commonly upon a great forfeiture): Instead of lead, tile, & states, their houses are all roofed with beasts shoulder-bones, very cunningly knit together I assure yea: Their City consisteth not of any save such as have one dependence or other upon the good fellows rack and manager. The husbandmen, Carpenters Millers and Butchers have each their habitations assigned them in the suburbs: who notwithstanding if they can bring their bellies unto a certain set size, are presently carried to Gurmonds' hall, and there made free of the Wide-throates, or Large-weasands: but no stranger can have his freedom at first, unless he be either a Cook, a Baker, or an Innkeeper: the city is governed by a set number of gratie Senators, peculiarly enstiled Alderguts, who are not elected (as our European Burgomaster's are) for their wisdom, their wealth, or their horse-tail beards, but by the circumference of their natural tankards (their paunches) which at a solemn set feast are every year measured once: and the more that each man's rotundity of corpulence is found to be enlarged; unto the higher place is he presently 〈◊〉: so that I have seen some come sneaking out of the fag end of the suburbs, who had held their 
i A diminutive of shops you shall find the word in Antony Mundays discourse of ●he reformation of Redfaces.  Shappikino●e in the verges of the Cities Bodex; food knows how many winters, justle notwithstanding at length, into and honourable place in the City, and at lasticome to be a principal Sire of this famous Commonweal. But now 〈◊〉 all hear or 〈…〉 her sickness, (as it often falleth out) or age, do chance to make these Alderguts cast their Colloppes afterward, they are immediate put off the Bench and lose both grease, and grace 〈◊〉 one clap: this is hard now but it 〈◊〉 as hard as it is I can 〈◊〉 that. The 〈◊〉 (which) admired in a City otherwise so regardless of curiosity) are all paved with fair large marble stones: because (as I imagine) otherwise the inequality of pebbles lay them never so even, would have been a trouble to the Gourmonds & other citizens in making them lift their feet too high, whereas 〈◊〉 they are both eased of that encombranced, and their Coaches have less occasion to shake their distended Guts: for they never go abroad on foot, nor on horseback, nor in Litters, but are carried about the streets in great foure-wheeled Coaches, that they may have the quieter means to sit and spawl when they are carried home from Wheeleing-in. The Geometrical proportion of the city is Circular, and hath four gates at which there do sit daily (course by course) 4 Alderguts selected, and properly instiled of that office supervisors of the Paunshery: and these are (like the Guales guard in a town of garrison) to examine all Ingredients, and Egredients: the fatter, to see that they go not out fasting (which their long and grave experience in the extension and contraction of guts makes them able most exactly to discover, and where they find the person defective, his Mulct is to eat two suppers) and the first, to see that they come not in emptie-handed: for not to go out ful-bellied and not to come in ful-handed, is an heinous contempt of the cities right health-ful government. Every month, they are bound by their law, (and would be so were there no such law) to celebrate a solemn feast, where every Aldergut of the whole society must prefent himself, all excuses and delays set apart what soever, to consult (after dinner, for before it is unlawful for any one to give his voice) about the public good. The place where they meet is Gourmonds' hall: Every one knoweth his seat, & hath his jourdan or chamber-pot standing by him in a little coffer made for the purpose. Well being met, & having turned their wine into water, and their oysters into shells, every one takes his chair and to dinner they go. Their daintiest dishes, are evermore the first sacrifices unto their stomachs, for they hold it fit that the best meat meeteth fittest with the best appetite. Now they may not in any case have their Boars, Sheep, Goats, lambs &c. served up in parcels & joints, as we of Europe use, but they must have all whole (the old Romans taught them that) you shall see the waiters come sweeting with an whole Hog, or an whole Calf upon a great pewter Engine, you would bless ye to behold it. He that riseth before six hours be fully ruin, runs his head under a rigorous fine and all this while they eat & drink by little and little only (for that cause that made 
k In Ethic. his name was Philoxenus.  Aristotle's Parasite with himself the neck of a crane) to take the more delight in the delicacies. But for the breaking up of the feast, they have this order. They have a door in their hall, large enough 〈◊〉 the greatest Gut-monger that lives, and take him fasting. At this door, the Alderguts enter when they come to the feast, which being ended, he that offers to pass the same way he came, and cannot get his belly through, is let forth another way: but he that passeth as easily as he came in, is stayed by an officer appointed for that purpose, called The Sergeant of the Maw, and brought back again (will he nill he) where he must settle him to a renewed Rouse, until his belly be able to kiss both the cheeks of the door at once, and then he is dismissed. (I cannot be fully persuaded but the creeping through 
l Which was whilom to be seen in Beaver castle.  Saint Wilfrids' needle was a devise brought by some ancient Pilgrim from this more ancient Alderguts custom). The townsmen of this place have the hugest gardens of the world, but they are all out of order, nothing like the gardens of Adonis, Alcinous, no nor 
m Where Lipsius pretendeth that Langius and he had that discourse De Constantia.  Langius-his neither, no sir, come not thither to look for your arbours, your alleys, or your conceited flowery knots, marry if you look for your radish, your garlic, your cabbage, your muske-melon, or so, they are for you: Italy herself had most of her more delicate roots from hence: an hundred Carthusians might have a Christmas dinner from hence at an hours warning.  

Martial Epig. lib. 3. chap. 47.  The goodly Colewort there you soon should find,  
The Lettuce, and the Onions double kind:  
And Beets, for him that would be loose behind.  
Nay mark but whether these men have a care of the cities credit. They have a common hospital (and that, I may tell you, a large one) wherein all such as have got the dropsy, the gout, the cough of the lungs, or any such malady by too much gourmandizing, are maintained of the public charge. But all such as have lost their teeth by age, or by eating their broth too hot, are forth with provided for very conveniently & sent away 
n Isles in the Atlantike sea like our Orades, where they that have the fewest teeth are held in highest respect, and he that hath none, is made a Clarissimo of Suppington, the chief city of the whole territory.  into Spoon-meat islands: there are many belonging to this city that live in form of slaves, and those are appointed to till the fields, and sow the gardens. Every rich Gurmond keeps divers of these labourers, who notwithstanding when the guts are at sufficient growth, have their freedom given them gratis. If any of the nobility chance to die of a surfeit (as there doth assuredly, more, then of any other death) his Statue is presently forged of most select & delicate dishes, and so he is laid forth for his slaves and 
o His hang bits.  his pendents per, to tyre upon: nor is it lawful for them to be so idle as to refuse immeditate execution of this honourable ordinance.  
The, whole sort of all these citizens are generally of an unmeasurable grossness (and seemed to me when I saw them walk just like so many tons, moving each upon two pottle pots): nor is that man worthy of any (the meanest) salvation in the world, that is not 
p Like him whose Epitaph this was: Here lies sir john of Redcrosse street: he was beard to th' belly, and belly toth' fecie.  all cheeks to the belly, and all belly to the knees: and such shapes do the women of this city walk in also: (The German Frowes do prettily well in imitation of these Fusty-lugs, but the Barbarians come very near them). The young women may not marry till such time as before a bench of Matrons, they make a public demonstration to their husbands that shall be, that their dugs and chins may meet without any forcing of either. They go for the most part all naked, only their Alderguts may wear gowns; marry those must be only the skins of such beasts as they are able to devour alone at one sitting. Yet there is no freeman of the town but wears a large knife, and a spoon as big as a ladle bound to his right arm. Before; upon the breasts, each one weareth a poke of haircloth to save the gobbets that chance to fall beside, and to wipe their mouths withal, but those they use so long in this greasy employment, that whether their shining exceed their blackness, or their blackness their shining he had need be well sighted that should judge. They are naturally dull of wit, and slow of apprehension, and yet notwithstanding most perfect in all the arts they respect. Their schools have no lectures read in them, but only 
q For some such books he wrote, witness Suidas.  Apicius his Institutions of the Art of Muncherie: & there are all the young fry taught the Sciences of Carving, chewing and swallowing, oh most profoundly: the Muncherie lecturer (when I was there) was one Doctor Full-Gorge, a man most rare in his profession, and instead of his Grammar, he read the first section of the foresaid Institution of Apicius. Their library is a large room, ranked full of pots and cans of all sorts, every sort being enseamed in their several classes: so the scholars have also, each one his full pot and his laden plat●er, 
r We have some Vniver side men that are too well read in these authors, yet verily, some study them so sore that they bring themselves of on their legs by it, saith Panurg. in his Le Tric-trac clericorum.  for his book: the freshmen have lesser measures, the sophisters larger, and so up to the Graduates. The first perhaps hath his pint & his pullet, the next his quart & his Goose, the third his pot●●● and his fat Lamb, or his gammon of Baton, and so upwards: nor may any leave his task, or have leave to play till he have made an end of what was enjoined him. If any one stay seven years in these schools, and benefit nothing, he is forthwith banished for ever into the Starveling Iles, to Hunger-land is he sent away immediately, to deal upon Spanish dinners, furnished with half piltchers. Thither also they thrust all Physicians and prescribers of dyer's: if any of them be ill at ease (let Asclepiades swagger & hang if he list) he presently eats a raw radish, drinks a little hot water, spews a while, & within a quarter of an hour, Viah, he lets fly upon Ajax, & rises from his roast as sound as a bell. Now all the what you will, that the voids at either end during this purging time, is immediately confiscate unto the Duke's treasury and 
s Not strained through a colander you must think, but seized upon by those inquisitors.  strained upon in such a case, by certain surveyors, especially appointed for such commodities.  
They love venison dearly well, yet can they not tell how to catch it: only such Dear as comes willingly amongst them, those they entangle in nets and soils and so take them. But the noble Swine, oh they prise that beast above all that ever nature produced; but whether it be because of their sympathy of natures, being both fatally consecrated to the table, or by reason that the swine will feed on the coarsest meat and yet be soon fed, this I leave to a more judicious Censor to determine. What man is he now would think, that in this inundation of profuseness their should be any dry hillock left for Parsimony to inhabit? yet (sooth) there is many have an unfit dwelling among such Gulp-thrifts: Certainly I have observed an exceeding care they have in the reserving of the smallest bit-bone, and fragment that remains after their banquet; whereupon they neither keep dog, cat, hawk, nor any creature whatsoever that will eat flesh: Nay which is more, in the fatting of their Pigeons, and Capons, they will take them and make them un-gorge the corn that they have already half digested, and give it for meat unto the others. The Venetians have learned this pretty trick of them already, and 
t So can our Poulters here in London, yea and worse, as some report, the devil can them thank for it.  can do it very neatly. Now as for the men themselves, if any one keep any victuals by him until they stink, he is forthwith condemned of high treason, and spitted upon a stake. Only two reservations this law agreeth unto, the first is, they may keep their. Venison until it be all hoary, and mouldy quite over, and the second is, they may lay up (foh, nasty!) their cheese where they think good, so long, until it be ready to creep quite away with Maggots, and then they take these worms (the very putrification of a most putrid meat) and scraping a little sugar on them, crash them up with spoons as if they were Almond-comfites. Out upon them; I wonder our Low Dutch would be such loggerheads as to follow them in this filthy fashion.  
This region aboundeth with rivers, whose course is (most of them) uncertain, because of the abundance of ordure that stops them, sometimes here, and sometimes there, but generally (take this for an infallible rule) 
n At Christmas and at Shrovetide all the ●akesf●rmers terms  at the beginning of january, and the ending, or about the ending of February, they are sure all of them to over-slow the banks, and (if the breatches be not stop in time) to do much harm in the pastures adjoining.   

The wars of the Eat-allians. CHAP. 7.  
THe Eat-allians have unreconcilable wars with 
a Gluttony is a deadly enemy both to hunger and good husbandry.  two other nations, the Hunger-landers of the Starveling Island, and the Thrivingers of Thrivingois: the first, inhabit certain western Isles in the Atlantike sea, not far from Eat-allia: but the later lie somewhat further of it, by reason of a great part of the tertorie of Fooliana, and some parcel also of 
b For an whore will ever stand between thrift and thee.  Shee-landt, that puts in between them: their historical monuments relate that the Plienger-landers being confederate with the Theeving-arians, have made many terrible invasions up on the Eat-allians borders: and one time gave them a sore foil, insomuch that the poor inhabitants were fain to hide themselves in hores and causes under ground: until at last their gods guardions pitied them, and made their foes own chaps their full destruction; for they did so ingorge themselves after this sudden change, that growing hereby all diseased, there was not a man left of them in three years, if you would have given a Spanish real for a man: not a man to cast at a dog. The Thrivingers also, the ancient inhabitauts of this land, have made many attempts to regain their lost possession, but (as fortune lightly leaveth to the wrong side) have been continually beaten back by the Eat-all an● good success. They march unto battle, armed only before, for what-neede any fence behind, se●ing they cannot turn themselves to run away?) with Oxe-hides, sheepskins, & swine pelts, that you would imagine, seeing them go to war, that it were a heard of cattle that were a driving to the watering place: their weapons commonly are spits, and fireforkes, marry some of them have, guns, and crossbows made of the bones of the largest oxen they kill: But the very truth is (I may tell it here to you in private, but 'tis a rare point of policy.) The Drink-allians give them their best assistance, for had not they been, the Eat-allians had been down the wind long ere this: and there is 
c And so it is: for give one his liquor sound first, and then set him on to sight, and he will rush upon dangers, the very thought whereof were enough to kill him, were he sober.  the main of all the matter.   

Of Idle-bergh, an Imperial free town. CHAP. 8.  
But I have somewhat to say of 
a Idleness hath a great sway among Gluttons.  Idle-bergh, though I have said nothing of it yet; it may not pass me so being so famous and free a state as it is. It hath a large territory under command, & is situate in the farthest confines of Pewter-Platteria, towards Fooliana. There is not a town either of more antiquity, or worthy more admiration in all Eat-allia than this is: The Citizens live in far more happy estate then ever Monk did: for they have all things they can desire, in abundance. For first the town is so strongly situate, that it is utterly impregnable, and may justly mock at all the enemies enterprises, being built upon a rock 
b 'Tis no less, believe it: if you will not, go and see yourself, and trust your own eyes. But we have Englishmen enough that have been in Idle-bergh, and can avouch this to be true. O Anglia quam segnis, quam insignis? Bucer.  ten German miles in height, and withal so steep, that it is utterly inaccessible: At the foot of this cliff runs the river of Idle, whereof the town taketh her name: runs said I? nay it seems rather to creep: being more like a lake than a river. There is but one way up to the town, and that is not by mounting the rock by degrees, and windings, as we see in other forts of this situation, but the townsmen let down a rope and a basket, like the bucket of a Well, and so hale up the passengers. They live all upon certain birds naturally bred amongst them, I never saw any of them elsewhere, the inhabitants call them 
c We have store of them here in England, & most of your beds in court are stuffed with their feathers. I have seen many of them together flying in companies from one tavern figne to another, for the space of an whole month together  Gulls, and they are not much unlike to our bald Cootes. They serve the cities use with three sorts of meats, flesh, eggs, and fish; flesh, from their own carcases, eggs from their nests, where they lay them in great abundance, and fish which they bring for the feeding of their young ones, in huge excess: and beside, the sticks of their nests find the citizens perpetual firing. What, would ye more? and more ye shall have. Their feathers serve the citizens for stopping of their beds, yea and some to spare also, for transportation. The grounds within the walls bring forth both whole vintages of delicate grapes, and whole harvests of the purest wheat. Nor is there any other thing whatsoever that the Idle-berghers esteem, but they enjoy it within themselves. The people do live an uncurious life, and in Apuleius his sense (who called a fat Lamb, an uncurious one) selves are truly uncurious. 
d Davies in Fuscnm Epig. 39  They sup, they sleep, they rise, they dine, and they sup, and so round in a ring, (unless a little whoring now and then chance to add one dance more to the round.) They have a law (and that I think they had from the 
e The most luxurious nation that ever was.  Sybarites) that barreth all eunuchs, and all Artificers from dwelling amongst them. Their swine serve for their ploughmen (as they did whilom in Egypt) they use no other husbandry: yet the richer sort have attendants: one to open the masters eyes gently when he awaketh: another to fan a cool air whilst he eateth, a third to put in his viands when he gapeth, a fourth to fit his girdle to his belly, as it riseth and falleth, the master only excerciseth but eating, digesting, and laying out.  
There are diverse other cities that hold of this Idle-bergh in capite, & under protection of her, enjoy the same privileges with her, namely 
f The two twins of Idleness.  Sleepe-on, and Snort-apace: yet here the citizens are seldom or never awake, but (as 
g lib. 8. cap. 36  Pliny writeth of the Bears) do generally lie so sound a iouking, that a man may wound them ere he awake them: and it is strange to see how fat they grow by this drowsy lethargy.   

The Laws of the Land. CHAP. 9  
Gourmonds' hall is a very fair, large house, statefully set forth with arched bay windows, and upon the front of the entrance are these words fairly engraven in letters of gold, TO, revel, AND TO, METHOD. 
a And under it were these verses engraven. Frolic fatness here doth devil: Keep leanness out and all goes well.  And within, there hung a table chained to a Marble pillar, containing these sacred and inviolable laws.  

BE IT ENACTED.  

1. THat eating but one meal a day, be henceforth held for a capital transgression.  
2. That he that overthrows a full dish or a cup rashly, or howsoever, be forthwith by virtue of this statute enjoined to stand upright on his feet, and having a dish of broth set between his heels, to eat it all up with a thimble.  
3. That none eat alone, nor violate the laws of the table by any private suppers: but that every Citizen do eat either in the streets or in an open window, upon pain of eating his next meal with his heels upward.  
4. That whosoever forbeareth to sleep or eat four hours together, do satisfy the state by eating two suppers.  
5. Yet if the mouth be full, it shall be sufficient to give an answer by holding up the finger.  
6. That conspirators be forthwith starved to death, and other malefactors punished by the loss of a tooth.  
7. That all Cooks that dress not their meat according to the judicious palate, be immediately bound unto stakes, & flesh half roasted hung by them, until some pitiful and hungry spectator take compassion on them, and eat it all up.  
8. That to belch be held not only lawful, 
Sueton. in Claud.  but honourable also: and that the government of the next future feast be assigned unto him that broke wind the strongliest at the last.  
9 That 
b The reason of this law is to be read in the next chapter.  if any one hold his breath whilst his belly is a measuring, he be forthwith made uncapable of all advancement, and condemned to fast one whole day in a grate, where he may behold the rest of the Alderguts at dinner and supper.  
10. That every man's weekly maungery be brought in a billa vera by his fellow Gurmond unto the Register to be recorded, and withal that if he have not fulfilled the law in that case enacted, he may be accordingly fined.   
Signed All-Paunch.   
Those that are the least offenders, are put for four and twenty hours into the Temple of Famine, a prison directly contrary unto our 
c bethlehem in Hebrew, is the house of bread in English  Bedlam. It stands without the City as Aesculaps' temple stood without Rome: but not for healths sake (as Plutarch saith how that did) but only lest such as are condemned unto that jail should so much as once sent the air of the kitchen. The walls of it are all painted about with all manner of good victuals, only to excite the prisoners appetite unto his greater plague, and verily one jesuit or other hath seen these walls, and thereupon devised pictures for their Chambers of meditation. They use no money: what have we to do, say they, with these sapless and unsavoury metals? no, they follow that ancient custom that 
d In Politic.  Aristotle records, and barter goods for goods by way of exchange. Two sparrows is the price of a stare, two stars for a blackbird, two blackbirds for a hen, two hens for a goose, two geese for a lamb, two lambs for a calf; two calves for a goat, & two goats for a cow: and thus they do also in fish and roots, at a set price: the towle-mens' especial care being this, that neither their stuff be too bad, nor their price too great.   

Their Religion. CHAP. 10.  
THey cannot endure jupiter, for he, when he thunders, sours all their wines, and over-wets their plants with unseasonable showers. They have a good devotion unto God Trine, because he eateth up allthings before him, and shows himself herein a true Eat-all. They have built a goodly temple unto him, in which I saw the picture of Saturn eating up his children, passing artificially portrayed. On Shrove-tuesday, they offer sacrifice unto the Genius of the place, whom they hold for their chief Deity, and almost for their only deity: Every year once doth this power appear unto them in form of a monstrous Fowl, most huge and most ravenous, (the inhabitants call him RUC) and accepts the offerings of his servants, and they for their parts are not behind hand with him, but present him with whole Hecatombs of raw-flesh, thus ordered.  
In Pewter-platter-ia (of which you heard before) there is a large plain, lying towards the South, circled in with mountains on each side. Unto this plain do all the inhabitants flock at a certain day appointed, bringing with them an ocean of victuals, Elephants, Rhinocerots, Camels (all which they feed for this purpose, for otherwise they would never keep such unprofitable creatures) Oxen of the largest size, Boars, Sheep, Goats, together with a whole army of Birds, all with the feathers plucked off: all these they put as it were into this large cage; which being done, they get them up on the mountains sides, as if they took their seats in a playhouse, and with bended knees do there expect the coming of this great Deity, old Ruc of Rucs hall. At length sir, you shall see him come a far off, with a noise, able to deaf the whole nation three hundred miles about, with a great crooked bill as big 
a Almost, not fully so big: it wants some 359. degrees. 59 min. 60. seconds.  (almost) as half the Equinoctial circle, with a pair of talons, like two broad spread Okes, with two eyes in his head like two towns that were on fire, and such an inundation of Harpies, Ravens, Vultures, and Hawks, about him,! O strange! stupendious sight, for man to see! with a cry, able to procure an earthquake they approach the plain, and by and by, their wings eclipse the Sun, and bring a midnight over the whole valley, they are so huge a multitude.  
Three times they flag about the plain, while the people power out their very bladders in tears, and all that is in their bellies in hearty prayers unto this rout of religious birds. By this time, General RUC, the leader of this starved regiment hath spied his prey, for he out of all that Folio Catalogue of Carcases, must choose what pleases his tooth first, suppose he take some five Elephants, or half a score oxen, he is to be first served, and then every one to his shark, tag and rag there ye should see one fly away with a Calf here another with a Lamb, ther● one with a Boar and here another with a Swan, every one fitting his luggage to his strength, and thus with a reverent and religious applause of all the lookers on, 
b Into the forests of Thevegen, whereof read the 4. book. chap. 4.  they depart every one with his carriage, and leaves the rest behind them: all which (and that is an huge deal of meat) the people are bound in conscience to get ready and eat up ere they go, whereby their bellies are so over-stuffed, that they loath flesh almost forty days after, during which space they live all upon fish (but that is costly dressed with syrups and sauces) and with the dainties of Banquetois: both to refresh themselves with the delicacy thereof, as also to return to flesh again which the sharper appetite, having thus long forborn it. Sure as death the Pope had his Lent sent him out of this country, upon the granting them some odd indulgence, or upon dispensing with them for Ember weeks.   

The Election of the Great Duke. CHAP. 11.  
NOw we come to the Great Duke's Place, and thither by good chance came I, the very same day that a new Duke was elected, according to the custom of the country. There is a Stately Palace standeth upon a narrow ledge of land lying just between Eat-allia and Drink-allia, which also joineth them both together: This palace was built (as their most ancient Chroniclers avouch) by a Giant called (in the said Chronicles) All-Paunch: who was of an incredible height of body; not like him whose picture the Scholars of Cambridge go to see at Hogmagog hills: but rather like him that ought the two aple-teeths which were digged out of a Well in Cambridge that were little less than a man's head, (yet was not the tooth that was found on the shore of Vtina any way comparable to these) Plinyes 
a Who was 7. cubits high. Plin lib. 7. chap. 16.  Orestes, or 
b Who was 16. cubits in height.  Plutarches Orion were but dwarves in respect of this same great All-Paunch. Suppose rather that you saw Antaeus that was threescore cubits heigh, or him whose carcase being digged up at Drepano, was, (as Boccace affirmeth the Symetrians to have gathered by his thigh bone) two hundred cubits in length, this later I think might be brother to him we speak off.  
This All-Paunch was the first that conquered this country from the Thrivingois, drove them all out of the land, brought in a new people, and gave them new laws: and his soul they imagine (as Pythagoras his opinion affirmed) to be entered into that huge bird RUC, in which shape (as I said) they do yearly adore him. The silly people have this fellow in as great reverence as the Turks have Mahomet. He lieth buried in the midst of the Palaces Base Court: Where for a sacred memorial of him, there is a Statue erected, far higher than Lisippus his brazen colossus, near unto which his tomb is, upon which I discerned some marks of letters, but antiquity had so eaten them out, as Ovid saith. 
Old time that razeth all and spareth none,  
And age that eateth through the hardest stone  had so defaced the inscription, that I could scarcely make any good sense of it.  
The fragments stood in this manner.  
I ALICE Paunch D●KE OF TENTERBELLY LIE HERE A LORD A VICTOR A PRINCE A DEITY. LET NONE GO BY ME FASTING NOR NAME ME HUNGRY. NOR SALUTE ME SOBER. BE MINE HEIR HE THAT CAN. MY SUBJECT HE THAT WILL MINE ENEMY HE THAT DARE. Farewell Bellies and be fat. Now I imagine it should contain these words; judge I pray the Gentle reader, and if thou canst restore the fragments to their true contents better than I have done here, thou mayst do the Antiquaries much pleasure herein: I think it is thus.  
I ALL-PAUNCH, DUKE OF TENTER-BELLYE, LIE HERE ENTOMBED. DYING A LORD, A VICTOR, A PRINCE, A DEITY. LET NONE GO BY ME FASTING, NOR NAME ME HUNGRY, NOR SALUTE ME SOBER. BE MINE HEIR HE THAT CAN, MY SUBJECT HE THAT WILL, MINE ENEMY HE THAT DARE. FAREWELL BELLIES AND BE FAT.  
This tomb is to be seen in the palace of the Duke, who hath his regality according to this first Duke's institution, not by succession, but by election, for there are four chief lineages, or families in the land: The Treble-chins, the Bacon-choppes, the Woolsacks, and the Nimble-iawes: any one of these four houses may stand for the Dukedom, and upon desert obtain it. This now is the order of the election: there is a yearly tilting ordained (not any tilting with spears, but a tilting of barrels) whereunto every one comes armed with his teeth, all new sharpened, and to it they go, where he that unhorseth most meat, and lifteth most measures of wine out of their pewtersaddles, is not only honoured with a crown of clustered vines, but furthermore is made Lord high Steward of the Land, the Duke's next inferior: which done, and the tournament ended, each one ariseth (if he can) and laying his hand on the sacred tomb of dead Duke All-Paunche, taketh an oath by the deities of Bacchus, Saturn; and the reverend All-Paunch to perform his duty in this election without any partial dealing whatsoever.  
Then they depart unto the Theatre which is prepared for that days use (not too high for fear of being tired ere they got up stairs) and there they take their places to behold this future election. Then first cometh forth the new chosen Lord high Steward, and he bringeth in his hand a golden girdle, all enchased with Pearls, Diamonds, Rubies etc. and this they call The holy belt of State: and upon it, I espied these words, set in perfect Rubies; NOTHING, IF NOT BEYOND.  
Now first, the last years Duke puts it on, and taketh the exact measure of his own Souse-tub, and then all the rest of the Nobility do so after him, and he that can set it on the tenters (without stretching of his belly, or holding of his breath) so stiff, that it need be let out one hole more; He is the man that with great acclamations is proclaimed High Duke of Tenter-belly. And then presently cometh his Cupbearer, and upon his knees presents him with a silver tankard of some dozen quarts, and entreats his Grace to drink a health unto the people.  
He takes it, and lifting up the Lid, begins an oration to the people befitting occasion, or if he be no good orator, yet he gives them as kind a congratulation as he can.  
Truly I was very attentive to it 
b Ye know that the fettest Geese have the smallest wind-pipes.  but they do all speak so in the throat, that I could neither like the sound nor learn the sense, until mine interpreter told me how it was: and thus it was indeed.  
After he had yielded thanks (quoth he) to Bacchus, 
c The God desk of all shambles and flesh-markets whatsoever.  Carnea, and all those favourable deities, especially to his own Great Maw, the giver of such high honours, and had given gramercy to his eyes, that had beheld him the best man in all Tenter-bellie 
d The honester they, to stick so revel to him.  ere they fell out, he turned his speech unto the people, and in most excellent and Rhetorical good terms, took a fresh oath by Saint All-●aunche, 
The Duke's Oration to the people after his election.  that he would be a Bulwark to our liberties, a drudge to our businesses, a terror to our enemies, a child to our advises; a follower of our counsels, a preserver of our studies, a father to our desires, an enlarger of our Weasands, and an increaser of our measures: finally, he would preserve us as we were now, and make us as we would be. And then he denounced himself a professed foe to Hunger, Abstinence, Diet, Naughty Ale and Meagerness of wine, beer, and body, and swore once more (to assure us) that while he bore that royal belt, none should either fast unpunished, or be drunk unrewarded.  
Go on my good subjects (quoth he) I adjure you by the sacred weight of your well distended wombs, go on, be ye all and always free and frolic! O the royalty of revels! O honourable helter skelters! Let never this goodly form Goblet of wine (quoth he, and took up his pot of twelve quarts) go joviallie through me, (and then he set it to his mouth, stole it off every drop save a little remainder which he was by custom to set upon his thumbs nail and lick it off, as he did, and then proceeded) unless I do from the bottom of mine heart, will and wish you continually drunken heads, full bellies, and fat fortunes.  
Then having made an end, the audience made all ring with their applause, they gave it him so fully and so faithfully: Long live Bounsingut, Woolsack, Caesar, Emperor of Tenter-belly, long live he, long reign he, long grow he; this they rattled ye up, at least a dozen times over.  
Then were the arms of the Dukedom given him, which was the Rampant Ostrich, swallowing of an Iron horse-shoe: the word Digest, and Do best. For his sword and sceptre, the Lord High-Steward presented him with a great knife, and a pretty golden Tun, and in delivering them (according to custom) pronounced these words, Use and enjoy them. But then for the Coronation dinner and supper! Oh merciful Heavens! what Castles of platters and chargers, what mountains of flesh and banquetry, what deluges of Wine Ale and Whisky did I see there! I will never stand upon particulars: only this I cannot ommit, the streets that night were strewed so thick with drunken carcases that I think in conscience there was never more memories left in the field, of the greatest massacre that ever this modern age was witness of.  
There are divers Cities beside in this dominion, as Swallow-all, Hogges-den, Tickle-Chere, and 
e Lickingoa is a colony, sent from Goa in the East-Indies, saith Pantagruel in his Merda Geographica. lib. 7 chap. 39 Sect. 594.  Lickingoa, but their forms of government are peculiarly declared in the description of Flesh-Pastinople, and so need no particular rehearsal.   

The Starveling Island, or Hungerland. CHAP. 12.  
But we had quite forgotten the remembrance of Starveling Island, take it therefore with you now, as a penance for your tedious abode in Eat-allia. It lieth under three and thirty degrees of longitude, and four and fifty of latitude, being on the North, directly opposite unto Cabo Bianco, and on the South, unto Filtching-Fennes. It is a stony, swarthy, barren, Grass-lesse, sandy soil: there are some trees in it, but they have never an inch of bark left, nor blossom, nor bud: nay the plenty of all places, the weed, cannot find in his heart to make any (the smallest) residence in these quarters.  
The Lands natural barrenness affords no distinction either of Summer or Winter, whether it be because the inhabitants snap up there herbs as soon as ever they peep out of the Ground, or that it be the effect of Ceres' curse, (who sailing about the world to seek her Daughter, made shipwreck on the craggy shore of this I'll, and thereupon, they say, laid her malediction upon it) it lies not in me to resolve you.  
There is none that dwells in this soil willingly, but all the inhabitants are Exiles: and their hue is naturally between a pale and a swarthy, their skins crumpled like half burnt parchment, and puckered like the hide of an Elephant: The Sun did never see more meager creatures, you would swear they were Anatomies covered with fresh skin, or else one of Athenodorus his apparitions, they look so ghastly. You shall have one laying a plot how to entrap the flies: another, contriving a conspiracy against the worms; nay there be they that sit shaving of the earths (GOD knows already near shorn) beard, to discover the roots of the ungrowne grass: nay they will lie in ambushes one for another (like so many 
a Otherwise (although unproperly) called Cannibals.  Bald-Cannyes in a dead vacation of butchery) yet notwithstanding they have a good excuse for this out of Aristotle, for you know that the greater number of strangers arriving, the greater scarcity of Belly-timber must needs ensue. By this means no stranger escapes them unless he be either too strong for their assaults, or too lean for their stomachs.  
They are (most of them) Blacksmiths, notwithstanding that the Eatealls banish all their Philosophers and Physicians hither, and so do the Spaniards all their slaves that have served out their time.  
They have a strange and fierce wild Beast rangeth continually in the night all about the deserts of this Island, and they give it the name of 
b We have of these beasts here in England, Duke Humphrey keeps a kennel of them continually.  An Emptie-Maw: It will keep such a terrible barking, that it makes the hollow air echo again: and he of this land that heareth it not bark once in twelve hours, grows deaf immediately, but he that heareth it thrice in six and thirty hours and giveth it nothing to devour ere twelve hours more be run 
c Provided always, that he can live no longer.  dieth presently, without all avoidance. Touching other beasts, I saw none in all this whole Island, but a sort of Wolves, and some 
d A Monkey will eat the own tail for hunger.  Monkeys that had eaten of a great part of their own tails. Not any else could I espy, Indeed I durst not make any long abode in so lean a land, it was no wisdom, was it think ye?  
Thus far of Eat-allia, and the adjacent Isles; now come we to Drink-allia, and so good night.    


Of Drink-allia, the second province of Tenter-belly. CHAP. 1.  
The Conditions of the Inhabitants.  
LEt none expect any exact description of Drink-allia in this place, for I durst not for mine ears offer to go into any City of the whole Province, until it was dark night, that all the citizens were wrapped in wine and warm clothes, and then (you know) how was it possible to discover any thing? you may perhaps say, what should you fear? faith I'll tell ye: hark in your ear! I feared the Burgomaster's bounty: for their fashion is, as soon as any one sets foot in at the City gate, to give him, by my troth I wot near how many lifts of Wine for his welcome; oh they receive him in pomp; and all of the common purse of the City: now so many stoops must he pull of, or else he is held an ungrateful, unmannerly fellow, and which is worse, a direct foe to the common good of the City. Now I feared both this honour and this danger, and now I hope you are answered. To our purpose.  
This Province is somewhat larger than Eat-allia, and what that hath in wealth, this hath in intemperancy. It is as broad or rather broader than both the Germanies: nor is there any nation under the cope of heaven so fortunate, nor so abundant in the delicate juice of the grape, as this is. The peculiar wines of all our kingdoms of Europe, the Germans Rhenish, the Frenchman's White and Claret, the Spaniards Xeres, Malaga, and the Canaries, tush, they have them all here in excess. The temperature of their bodies are somewhat different from the Eat-alls, for these delight in the qualities of heat and drought, whereas the Drink-alls especially affect heat and moisture: so that the bordering neighbours do ieastingly call the Eat-alls, Blackmen, and Kitchin-Tenter-bellyes, but the Drink-alls they name Read-men, and Cellerian-Tenter-bellyes. But their bodies and their wits hold both one key in difference: for the Drink-alls as they are more ingenious than the Eat-alls, so are they much more lascivious: In their young years they are generally very quick witted, but being come to a more graver age (especially old age) they grow so forgetful, that you shall not have one amongst twenty that can remember his own name.   

The Shires of the Country. CHAP. 2.  
THe Inhabitants affirm the whole Province to be divided into three Counties: the county of Wine-cester, the county of Vsque-bathe, and the county of Hoppe-Sack, or Strong-biera.  
The first of these, Wine-shire, is parted from Eat-allia, upon the western verge thereof by the river Piss-on, a salt current that ebbs and flows. This river runs round about the Duke's Palace, and as for the saltness, the Philosophers of this country say it hath it not from the sea, but from an airy humour that oftentimes falls upon it. The first town that I came unto in this region, was called Vine-spring, and was in form of a fiveangled trencher: it lay down as far as Vine-prophils, and so some of it became part of the suburbs of Cluster-beg, a pretty fine City, walled about with stones of the colour of brick, but somewhat deeper of die. This City stands in the bottom of Pressing-dale, (a valley so called) through the which runs a delicateriver called juice, which passeth along by three or four pretty cities, (seated upon the banks thereof, most judiciously, and to the founders eternal commendations) their names as I remember were Tankards-bridge, that was the first, then Tunning-trie, then Broachingford, & lastly, Carousi-kanikin. Tunning-try I remember was fotified with a wall of wood, and Broachingford had never but one gate open at once, and that when it was shut, was made fast with nothing but the end of a faggot-stick. There is not in all the world any one river comparable to this that runs through these cities; Donaw, Thames, Volga, Seyne, or Sir Walter Rawleys river of Guiana, put them all in, they are but kennels to this: for besides the pleasing Meanders that he makes in his wanton course, the water is so sweet and delicate, that neither the best Europe's wine, nor the Turks delicious 
a A drink made of honey and water.  Zerbeth can possibly go beyond it. This worthy son of the Ocean, hath one peculiar fish belongeth unto it, called a Tap, and this fish will sometimes lie by the shore, and spout a huge deal of the water aloft, (marry the remaining of it in his belly hath made it somewhat more pleasing to the taste than it was before) and this the inhabitants watch for in boats, and when they get it, make great store of it. This river (as I told you) passeth through Tuning-try: mass I had fotgotten one town, it goeth from thence to Celleridge, ere it come to Broachingford, and so by Broachingford passeth directly unto Carousi-kannikin, the prime City of the whole Province.   

The description of Carousi-kanikin, chief City of Drinke-allia, as also of the fashions and conditions of the Drink-alls. CHAP. 3.  
CArousi-kanikin, is a name that I understand not, further than that I have a little light of it from the German tongue, but as for the city, it is built upon an hill, and carrieth the form of a Tankard, from what quarter soever you behold it. It is of ancient renown, and one of the best seated ports for traffic in all the whole land. On the East part it is strongly fortified with Barricadoes, and Bulwarks built all of Barrels, and the roofs of the houses are most of one and the same manner, tiled with the boards of broken Casks. In the entrance of the gate, from morning until night there is placed a double canon of Pewter, (for their law commandeth this to be duly observed) the citizens call it the Flagon of Hospitality, and round about it, are these words engraven, 
a 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉, such an inscription is upon the Dolphin in Cambridge.  Aut bibe, aut abi: Drink or be gone. He that arriveth, must either lift it all of, or else he is carried before the Magistrate, to render account of his contumacy. The arms of the City are advanced over the Gate, and they are the three horseleeches upon three naked feet, in a bloody field; the word, Plaenae, quiescimus. Being full, we rest. Here by a fortunate chance, did I meet with another stranger, a Letcheri-tanian borne, who was bound for the City as well as I, his name he told me was 
b An Italian word expressing the noise that the wine maketh in running from the tap.  Cinciglion. He (being acquainted with their fashions) brought me secretly by night into the town, and showed me such things as I should never have discovered of myself. Their buildings are not much unlike the Eat-alls, but that the fronts of their houses are so wholly hid with spreading Vines, that had I not seen the signs hang out on every side, I would have sworn I had been in a Vineyard and not in a City: in sadness it was a pleasant spectacle. In the Market place are all the measures hung up in chains, sealed with the Duke's stamp on their tops, and by them, hangeth a table of the laws of the land, which you shall have truly set down hereafter. The inhabitants go all naked, but for a wreath of Vines about their foreheads. But their skins are all carved with figures, and painted after the manner of the ancient Picts, and Britons. One hath himself drawn into the form of a Centaur, another of a 
c A beast that is half like a Goat, and half like a Stag.  Tragelaphus, a third of a Pigeon (a terrible drinking bird) and you shall have some painted so perfectly like a flagon, that if he set but his hands on his sides you would swear it were a living flagon. I did see one also so directly in the shape of a Whale, that when he vomited, no man in the world but would have taken him for a live Whale, spewing up the Ocean. I had a great affection to see the manner of their public feasts, and yet not be seen by the citizens. So mine host at last agreed to perform my request, and satisfy my longing, marry he gave me, withal, certain cautions of danger, that might ensue if I were discovered, and likewise informed me in some necessary points of behaviour: so having mine instructions about me, I and mine honest host, my leader, got us into the towns hall, in the evening, unspyed of any. By and by come the feasters, and take their places, just as the Eat-alls do (as you have heard) only they had more drink and less meat. Every one had his purveyance at either elbow, a pisse-pott for his urine on one side, and a bowl for his vomit on the other.  
At first, they begin a sacrifice to Bacchus, their General God: not as the Romans did of old, with pouring a little wine upon the ground; no, no, far more religiously, and with more stately ceremonies. At the upper end of the table stands a statue of Bacchus, holding in his right hand a monstrous great Goblett of such weight, that (as Virgil said once) the left hand is now and then fain to help her sister. Into this Goblet or standing Cup, the master of the ceremonies in the name of the whole company, powers an hogshead of wine, (it holds no less I can assure ye) which passing in pipes as if it were in veins unto his mouth, and his other thing both at once, makes a pretty show as he both pissed wine and spewed it, all in one moment. And this is the hourglass proportioning the continuance of the feast, for when he leaveth pouring out, they must all leave pouring in, and that upon pain of sacrilege. Then sir comes me up a service of shooing-hornes (do ye see) of all sorts, salt-cakes, red-herrings, Anchovies, & Gammons of Bacon (Westphalia may go pipe in an ivy leaf, if it seek to equal these) and abundance of such pullers on. 
d Here is no use of the ol● Roman caution, used in their meetings, Drink three pots, or five, but never four. Plutarch. Sympos. Acad. 3. Athanae. l. 10 Plaut. in Stich.  And then begins the full pots to go round about the table, and the empty against the walls, so that you cannot possibly tell whether they are sooner filled to be emptied, or emptied to be filled; but (as Plautus saith of one) the drink is sure to go, be it out of Can, 
e A Quoniam is a glass as well known in Drink-allia, as Chaucer's old Quaint is in Letcheritania.  Quoniam, or jourdan. Now when one of them will drink to another, he first challengeth him with a solemn 
f The relics of some ●auerne ca●ch.  ceremonial song. and then they join hands fast together, and giving a sound shake or two, the challenger advanceth his moistened weapon, and blows it dry: he may puff a little, or talk a few gentle words among hands, but the pot is disrobed of his liquor, ere it be severed from his gripe: and then the tother answereth him at his own weapon. The second course is not very dainty, but howsoever, they moisten it well with redoubled rouses. Then comes the fruit with the third course, and that in truth is very rarely furnished, which being almost finished, and the cloth being now thrust upon an heap, the master of the ceremonies crieth Healths, three times with a loud voice. I imagined that this had been a summons to the breaking up of the company and was a going hence; when mine host pulled me by the sleeve, why how now ye sleepy spectator (quoth he) and the feast is scarcely begun? stay and see the conclusion of it I pray ye: do ye not see how fast God Bacchus his hourglass runs? So I sat down again and stayed. Then steps me out one of the company, and taking of his wreath, down upon his knees he goes, (I thought he had been going to his prayers) and presently calls for a quart pot. An health (quoth he) unto Great Bousing-gut; Woolsack, Archduke of Tenbelly, and presently the pot stops his mouth: he drinks, he puffs, he belches, he talks, until within a while he had gulpd down as many quarts as his name had letters, and when he had done, he falls a spewing, till all cried twang again, and dies (as Horace said) 
The pavement where he stood, 
Mero tingit pavimentum superbo.   
With proud Lyaean blood.  Well, they all follow in order from the highest to the lowest, each one with the same pot, execution, & ejection: proving himself hereby a faithful citizen, and (which is more) a strenuous Emptykan. This past, upstarts another, with this catch, A health to you and us, this day, and health to all Drink-allia, seasoning his song with many a goodly belch, and so down upon hi● marrowbones, & up with the pot handsmooth, the devil a bone finds he in the drink. After him they must all follow woe be to him that hangs anarse. This shower over-blowen, out steps a third, and he advanceth a quart of plump Lyaeus to the health of all the Quagmirists (which is the general name of the Nobility) of the most famous and eternal City of Carousi-kanikin; briefly, after him they go, and thus every man in order brings in his foundation of a new Round. Now every man having his share, they must each one in his order (poxeoned, that madded me) go play the 
g Of one of these might Horace have truly said, Aut insanit homo, aut versus facit, the man is mad, or else he maketh verses.  Poet, out of the inspiration of Bacchus only (the Muses may go hang for any room they have here) & herein according to the old manner that Plutarch speaketh of, every one sings his song, & instead of his Harp, he had a knife and a quart pot, and truly they played fine music on it. One, in his song commended his mistress, another, the goodness of the wine, a third related all the passages betwixt him and his wife at home, so that it m●de me remember t●at old saying of Laberius: Ebriulati mentem hilarem accipiunt. 
When wines effect the brain doth bind,  
Then mirth doth caper in the mind.  An other rimed all in Satire against one that was not at this drinking: and every one (me thought) kept 
h He was a drunken Poet and died of a surfeit. Ask Francis Meres in his Wits Common wealth if you will not believe me.  Anacreon's measures; (Like will to like quoth the devil to the Collier.) But in the mean time, while these songs were a singing, it was a world to see their several behaviours, every man had his humour to himself: you should see one, for very pure love, weeping in his fellows bosom, and another sit a kissing of his companion, one setting his mouth on the rack with laughter (wise were the man that could tell at what,) another down upon all four in devotion to Bacchus, a third swaggering & swearing godts hundred thousand tufels, because the bowl of wine was brought him no sooner; a fourth arguing of religion and matter of state: & here in a corner you should have a fifth sit nodding and slavering, it would do a blindman's heart good to see him. But now at the beginning of the feast, because they are generally so slippery of memory that they quickly forget what they have to do, they have a public Notary, whom they call 
i The windpipe office there, is far greater than the Pipe office here in England.  Clerk of the windpipe, and he registers every particular carouse, and so files them up for common records: what each man hath drunk, and unto whom; which done after supper he readeth them to the company (if any man be awake to hear them)  


Pottle-gulp. unto Swolne-gut.— iii Gallons.  
Swolne-gut. unto Gultche.— iiii. Gallons ½  
Dry-mouth. unto Lurtch-cup.— iii Pottles.  
Draw-large. unto Broken-belt.— seven Pottles ½  
Sup-it-off. unto Full-brink.— half an hogshead   
Concordat cum originali. P. Skinker.   
If any one have failed in the taking of his liquor, he must forthwith make present satisfaction, (if he be able) otherwise, at the next meeting he is sure to pay sound interest for his forbearance. Well the roll being read, and the hourglass run all out: Mary quoth I to mine host but how will they get home now? that marvel I at most. Oh well enough sir (quoth he) fear ye not. Do ye not see those ropes there in the court, that are fastened unto them Iron rings? These, their servants (who may not touch a drop of wine till the feast be done) being so sober as to know every one his own rope, do take hold of, and the other end of it being fastened to their masters door, so draw themselves and their Masters both in one cart, directly home, for these ropes are as good unto them as a thread in a labyrinth. Mass you say true (quoth I) but what if one should come in the meantime and tie the ropes further end to a wrong door? Why do you think (quoth he smiling) that any one wakes this night? Yet I have known it done, & the cart go to a wrong house and the man to another man's wife; who perhaps being as drunk as he, never discovers the matter until next day at noon; and then, that which they ignorantly committed, they do wittingly laugh at: for it is a principle here, that a drunken man can never offend, for it is the effects of Bacchus, that he is but instrument unto, and nothing else. But I remembered that place of Lucian; 
In Dialog.  Bacchus never bids them drink more than they need.   

Of the Knights of the Golden Tun, and of the laws of this City. CHAP. 4.  
IN the towns Hall, (properly called Gulpers Court) there hangeth up that ancient emblem of the order of their Knights, the Golden ●unne; He that can drink this vessel thrice off and go his ways without indenting, for this good service is presently knighted by the great Duke himself, & hath a chain of extraordinary value bestowed upon him beside. These knights have a large Charter, and are allowed many goodly privileges; they have absolute command in all Taverns, & at all Tables. They may furnish so many soldiers in pewter-coates out of any man's cellar in the town, Gratis; and beside they have full authority to set what limmets they please unto every man's pot-licking. These hardy men have great conflicts at every solemn meeting (as the 
a Or as the Helots' had with the Lacedæmonians.  sword-plaiers had in Rome) their weapons are full charged cups, and he that carrieth most of them away clear, is conqueror, and leads the rest about the town (if they can go) in triumph. And this is their trial of the victory. If he can put his finger just into the flame of the candle without playing hit-I-misse I, let him spew whole fishponds, he is held a sober man.  
Now gentle Reader will I present thee with the laws both of Carousi-kanikin, and of all Drink-allia: read and if thou wilt not laugh, choose.  

IT IS DECREED, AND ABsolutely enacted, by the high and mighty Duke of Tenter-belly, and the whole States both of Eat-allia and Drink-allia.  

1. THat all promises, oaths, bills, bonds, indentures or any other conveyances whatsoever, made, or caused to be made in the afternoon, be utterly void and of none effect.  
2. That no man of what state or degree soever he be, have his cups private unto himself, upon pain of drinking two days, after in a fire-shovel?  
3. That if any one cast away any snuff, but mere froth, he be forthwith enjoined to go down upon his knes and lick up the otherwise perrishing liquor.  
4. That every one pledge his challenger in the same cup, and on the same fashion, upon pain of being debarred from drink two days after.  
5. That the Pots in banquets be either always full, or empty: the waiter that presents a pot half filled, and the person that takes it shallbe both guilty of breach of good-fellowship.  
6. That he that being sober shall strike him that is drunk, be immediate disabled for ever giving testimony in any cause whatsoever: but the drunken man striking the sober shallbe acquitted.  
7. That he that being sober shall rob him that is drunk, be forbidden wine for ever: and if he kill him, he shallbe put to death by thirst.  
8. That he that shall speak evil of the Duke of Tenter-belly, as in saying, God send him a dry health, or so, be held guilty of high treason.  
9 That he whom either nature or sickness hath made abstinent; be banished the land.  
10. That he that goeth from any public meeting, without staggering, be accounted a malefactor in the highest degree.  
11. That all that stay three days in the City, do offer sacrifice unto Bacchus.  
12. That the calling of a Citizen thief or whoremaster, bear no action, that to call him abstayner, shallbe liable to the law.  
13. That he that mixeth water with his wine, be sent to sup amongst the dogs.  
14. That he that sweareth by Bacchus, and keepeth not his word, be utterly disabled from making any will, and bearing any witness.  
15. That he that striketh with a pot▪ and either spilleth the wine, or breaketh the pot, be enjoined to touch neither pot nor wine for four and twenty hours after.   
Over the portal of the hall were these verses written.  

The house of youthful mirth, and lusty cheer:  
Peace, wine, sport, rest, have all their mansions here.   
Subscribed STILLYARD.    

The arts, and Military discipline of the Drink-alls. CHAP. 5.  
THe people of this Province are almost all bleere-eyed, and troubled with the palsy, with goodly Chowles about their necks and chins whereof the mountainers of the Alps and the Pyrenaeian hills are so proud. They are very good Painters, when drink and age hath made their hands to quiver, that you would think verily (as Lucian saith) that he were sober that did it, when indeed he is as foxed as forty beggars. They have also some Poets amongst them, whom their principal never crowneth with laurel (because that tree is a foe unto the vine) but all with ivy: these Poets are the very off-scum of the basest rascally rabble, I am as much grieved that they should bear that so sacred a name, as Antigenides in Apuleius was, that horne-blowers should be called Cornetiers. They are the veriest Lacklatines, and the most unalphabetical raggabashes that ever bred louse: they cannot make two rhymes in their mother's tongue in two hours, and yet these shake-ragges live by other men's trenshers, filling all the taverns in the town with Epithalamiums, Elegies, and Epitaphs, your ears would blister to hear them, these are they that have the managing of masks, and the disposing of Pageants and have the same sway over the uses of balets that the knights of the tun have over the barrels. They had but one good Poet (as it is said) in an whole age, and he was starved to death for telling truth out of season. They go often to war, in assistance of the Eat-alls; but they never go armed, not so much as with an Irish steel-coate, a shirt on their backs; their lances are sapplins of Elms, sharpened and dried at the ends in the fire, but yet notwithstanding (for stand well they cannot) it is admirable to behold both their valour in fight and their fortune in conquest. Indeed they have a law that none must go sober to the field, so that the wine maketh them as bold and valiant as Lions, and you know full well, Audaces Fortuna juuat, fortune helps the forward.   

The funerals of one of the chief Quagmyrists: and the Sacrifices of Bacchus. CHAP. 6.  
THE same night that I was a spectator of their more than rambling revels, one of the Quagmyrists, whose house was of some height, being loose in the breech, intending to go thither whether neither Pope nor Emperor can send an Ambassador, and being truly tapp-shackled, mistook the window for the door, so stepping rashly on, down he came with the wrong end forward, and in plain English, broke his neck. His funerals were very richly set forth: I can tell, for I was at them. Every man was died, all over with black, and for that day ware a cypress wreath, in steed of his vines. The body was not laid in a coffin, nor upon an hearse, as we use, but being put into a cask half full of wine was so borne to the grave, and when he came there, it was to lie rather in a cistern of sack, then in a grave of earth, and to be drowned rather then buried. For whereas the Romans used to cast balls of frankincense upon the pile wherein the body was burnt, they did not so here, but each one powered his kanne of wine into the grave, and bidding thrice Adieu most sweet and corpulent countryman, put finger in their eye, wept some quart of Rheum and to it they went, hand in hand to the Tavern. This Quagmirist it seems was well esteemed amongst them, for he had a statue erected him in Bacchus his court, and under it these two verses in fair Roman letters.  
Although he took his window for his door  
His valiant death shall make his honour more.  
And upon his grave they set up a pretty obeliske, and a brazen flagon on the top of it, with these verses carved round about it. 
a Three such Epitaphs in Latin are to be seen at Sienna, two in San Domingo, and one in S. Spirito.   

By wine I lived, and wine me killed, men say:  
For being sober, I could near see day.  
Gone is my flesh, yet thirst lies in the bone:  
Give me one rouse my friend, and get thee gone.  
Farewell fellow tossepots.   
Now had I stayed too days in this town, without ever being demanded what I was, but then mine host came and told me, my friend quoth he, you have had a fair reign; if you stay one day longer, you must perforce do sacrifice unto god Bacchus: I may not conceal you further unless you would have me forsworn. No, quoth I? what custom is that I pray you that you are so strictly bound unto? Tell me the course, and I'll either perform it and stay longer, or else I'll get me presently gone, and rid us both from future danger. Well sir (says he) saw ye not the statue of Bacchus yesterday in Gulpers Court, and the huge goblet he holdeth, wherein they powered the wine that runs out at two passages? yes that I did. Well then, you must set your mouth to one of them (choose you which) and suck until ye be able to stand no longer, but fall flat to the ground, and so must you lie under the spout, wallo-wing in the wine, until all be run out upon you. How like you this? Faith not altogether so delightful (quoth I) but I pray tell me, was there ever any strangers that offered this sacrifice? All, all, (quoth he) not a man nor a man's tail escapes it, but to it he must, maugre his beard; some will come spiritfullie to it, but others are fain to be haled to their teat, like a Bear to the stake.  
Well sir (quoth I) but I'll be jogging hence: Only I would entreat ye to inform me which country in this tract is next in dignity unto this of yours and worthiest of travel. So faith he told me: Hot-waters quoth he) is the best, some call it Liguour-ardente, it is under the government of Sir Limbeck Stillitorye, a knight of the noble family of the King-Cuppes: and so led me forth, showed me the way, as plain as Dunstable road, and then courteously gave me the Bascio los manos, and I thanked him heartily for his Valienado, and parted.   

Of Hot-watrea, or Licor-ardente, and of the pilgrimage of Saint Borachio. CHAP. 7  
NOw 'gan I all alone to take my way towards the North, leaving the river of ●roath, behind me, until I came at 
a If Bucklersbury stood alone it were very like this town. Sure as death there is some affinity between them.  Spewers-burie, the filthiest town that ever I saw since my mother cradeled my head. Well I stayed not long there (I had not need) but on I passed until I came to Coopers-nor-ton, a pretty well seated village, but not a drop of water was to be got in it for love nor money: the reason is (as I heard afterward) lest they should mix it with the wine and so prove evil commonwealths men. Only this I must tell the reader: by the way, for I promise ye it put me often to a shrewd putther, I was as much troubled with pots and flagons in my journey, as the traveler that hath far to go, is with the Spanish and Italian Crosses: I could never go three miles to an end, but I should find a bouncing tankard: kenneld under an arch, and drink I must needs, no gainsaying the laws of the Lands holy hospitality: at last I overtook a traveler, in an old tattered Cassock of haircloth, barefoot and barehead. I demanded whether he went so fast. Sir (quoth he) I have undertaken a long Pilgrimage unto Saint Borachio of Bottles-brooke.  
I wondered at this new name, and this as yet undiscovered Pilgrimage, so I questioned him at large of the country, of this towns situation, and discipline, and finally of the virtues of this Borachio. Bottles-brooke sir (quoth he) is seated in the confines of Hot-watria, and Let cheritania, and is of great fame through out both the soils. Besides divers other ancient monuments in the town there is a temple of Bacchus' Fiery-face, they call it the Chapel Ardent, where a rich and rare statue of his is erected, not like a grown man as elsewhere it is, but of an informed birth, just as his father took him from the burning womb of Semele, so is it, having been long ago so cut, out of the hard Rock of Rubies. The top of this temple is all set with Carbunickles▪ & golden sparks, most rich to behold, & from the embowed arch there drops they say, a kind of hot fuming liquor (as the 
b Hackluits voyages affirm as much.  Cataracts do in some places of Mar deal zur) and is received into a Borachio that stands placed accordingly, whose virtue is such, that if one drink a large draft of it with good devotion, he shall never in all his life after be either drunk before noon, or a thirst before midnight: both which helps may do me much good, for I am a man so employed in my country, that I can never lie in my bed until midnight for thirst, nor never rise in the morning but before noon I am drunk and fast a sleep again. Therefore have I gone this three days without drinking at all, (save that I drank one dish of water this morning) because I would merit the more of this holy Saint Borachio when I come there; nor dares any man importune me to drink, or any in my company as long as I wear this weed. Bir-lady sir you must think I was not meanly glad of so good a privilege, and therefore I entreated both his company and patronage. Well, we went chatting on, until I observing the soil altered, asked him where we were now. This country (quoth he) ever since we came over the Lake Metheglin, is called the 
c Our ordinary pass to Ireland is through Wales.  County of Whisky, being the first shire of Hott-watria: It is not so well husbanded, but it is far more fertile than our country of Wine-cester, exceeding both in fatness of soil and pureness of air. So when I heard the name I understood presently both the original and the definition thereof. Vsquebathia, because they drink there Vsque ad 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉, even to the bottom: there are other derivations thereof, but those I leave unto the six wits to censure of. The people of this nation are generally fulsome and slovenly, and of a continual fierce and terrible aspect (unless they be drunk) yet they used me very kindly for my religious pilgrim's sake (as they are very much given to superstition) who lodged with me the first night in the common hospital of an obscure little city (I forgot the name) yet we lay very quietly, for we found all the town dead drunk at our coming, and left them so at our parting, much other matter past us, but I leave it as unworthy of regard. At length through many craggy, fenny, woody passages, we arrived at a famous port town, called Puerto d' Aqua forte. Now quoth I (being as weary as a dog) whether go we now? is not this Bottlesbroke? O Lord no quoth he: but cheer up yourself, we have not a foot of ground more to pass until we be there, all the rest of our journey lies by water: which when we have passed, we shall coast a little by the pleasant shores of Hott-watria, and presently we are at Bottlesbroke: (this country is like Denmark parted into two by the sea, & that was the cause of our crossing the water. Well, to ship we went, and away: By this time imagine us in the midst of the sea: well, my heart is cold yet to think but what a danger we escaped there: for look ye sir, our Mariners were all drunk to a hair, not a man could guide himself, if he might have a kingdom. One was a sleep at the stern: another going about to row, had Palinures destiny, and fell overboard, whom two more seeking to hale up again, had not we two held them, had both fallen after. A third falls into choler, & layeth a fourth over the pate for not helping his fellow: he strikes again, & to it they go, fight Bear fight dog: and all the rest divided themselves on two sides. Now flew the ponderous oars about their ears, and clubs and pumpe-staves, all their arms appears, the water was quiet, and every one used his oar in the air. But indeed they are easily knocked down, whose hamstrings Bacchus hath already cut in two. Flat they lay, all but a couple of conquerors, who being too late weary of the massacre, fell upon us two, laying all the blame upon us. But we two, scorning to be put down by two walking tankards, got up a couple of cudgels, and gave them their due, disarmed them, bound them fast to the Mast, and played the sailors ourselves. But our boat (sympathising belike with her ancient masters the drunkards) did so welter from side to side, that had not Aeolus sent us a strong gale, and forced the boat on against her will, we had laid our bones in the bottom of those seas, for aught that I saw, and my religious fellow had never seen Saint Borachio. As we sailed on, I descried a far of, on the left hand, a certain high Island covered with snow, and ask him how he called it, It is (quoth he) the Frozen Island, where Bacchus lived for fear of his stepdames wrath, when he was young: and the inhabitants using him churlishly, and at length chase him by force from thence, his father being offended, laid a plague of perpetual snow and darkness upon them. But whence is that smoke I see a far of? That smoke comes out of Mount Denis, 
Dionysius is Denis, and Bacchus both.  wherein the souls of such as either lived too soberly, or killed themselves desperately, are purified by fire; and there they burn, until some of their living friends go in Pilgrimage to Chapel Ardent for a bottle of St. Borachios water, & pouring that upon their tomb, they are freed. I smiled at this, and thought, now surely I have found the original of Purgatory; let Abbot Odilo, and his Monks of Corunna tell me never so many tales of mount Aetna, and many good morrows: 'tis here or 'tis no where.  
Well, at length we came a shore, and found it a pretty sweet town in truth (to give it the due) marry it was both paved with bottles, and roofed with leathern bougets. I do not remember I saw any attificer in all the town but leathern jack-makers, and tailors for Bottle-cases; so that now I saw what utterance the Eat-alls had for their hides. The reason is, the men of this town and country, use no pure wine, as the other Drink-alls do, but certain distilled waters mixed with the strongest grape they can get, which are so forcibly hot, that the brittle glass cannot hold them, and therefore they are driven to fortify their bottles with leathern jerkins, riverted together with pitch and rosin. The citizens are fiery of face, and choleric of condition, envious, suspicious, paralitique, and of a staggering manner of pace in their going: but that which is most terrible of all, they drink and they breathe nothing but mere flames. As much cold water, or scarr-gut, as one of us will drink, so much fire will one of them take: that a man would verily imagine when he saw them, that they were so many fire-drakes, or Saint George's dragons. I was in danger of water before, but now I feared nothing but that I should be stifled with fire. So that I left my companion in his orisons unto Bacchus (I loved him well, but I loved myself better) the very next morning I got me out of this Vulcan's shop, for so it was, and a very Cyclops forge, rather than a City of Bacchus. Now being upon my way, I began to resolve with myself to pass by the verges of Lecheritania back again, and so to see somewhat of the fashions of the 
a Otherwise called Strong●ieros.  Hop-sackers, the third county of Drink-allia; but just as I was plodding on with this thought in my head, rushes me forth an Ambush of armed Sheelandresses (you heard of Shee-landt before) beset me, took me, and carried me prisoner (the more unfortunate I) a long and toilsome journey, even to the chief city of the land, called Gossipingoa.  
I would not have the reader take any unkindness at my hands for omitting the rest of Drink-allia, for as my Pilgrim told me, it is the basest part of the land, this county of Hopsack; and but that it is more beastlike, different in nothing from the others which you heard described before.    
Finis lib. 1.   

The second Book.  
The description of Shee-landt, or Womandeçoia.  

Of the situation and the parts thereof. CHAP. 1.  
THE new discovered Womandeçoia, (which some mistaking both name and nation) call Wingandecoia, & make it a part of Virginia) otherwise called Shee-landt, lieth in that part of the Southern continent, which our Geographers of Europe 
a Over against Moleture and Beach.  called Psytacorum Regio, the land of Parrots. On the North side it boundeth upon Letcheritania (a nation that is a great enemy to it) on the South, upon Thrivingois: on the East, upon the two Fooliana's, the Fickle and the Fat. The soil thereof is very fruitful, but 
b 'twere pity it should be otherwise, being so shrewdly wived.  badly husbanded: It is divided into many Provinces, both large and rich, yet all of several conditions, habits and languages. The principal of them are these; Tattlingen Scoldonna, Blubberick, Gigglot-angir the high and the low; Cockatrixia, Shrewes-bourg, and Blackswanstack, otherwise called Modestiana. Not far from these is also an Island called I'll Hermaphrodite, or more properly, Double-sex. Many of these Provinces did I pass through, sore against my will I'll be sworn. But to speak the truth, Tattlingen is the best country of all the rest, & hath many fair cities in it, as Pratlingople, Tales-borne, & Lyps-wagg, through the last of which there runneth a great river called Slaver, which sometimes will overflow the banks, and drown all the lower part of the country, which they call Chinn-dale, but the countrymen have now devised very strong rampires of bones and bend leather, to keep it from breaking out any more, but when they list to let it out a little now & then for scouring of the channel. But of all the cities of Tattlingen, or of all Shee-landt, Gossipingoa is the principal. Thither was I brought, and detained a great deal longer than stood with my good liking: I will (for passing away a little time until the Capon be enough, we have nothing else to do) discourse the whole progress of their dealing with me here, and then I'll go on with the conditions of this new nation.   

How the Gossipingoesses used the Author of this discovery. CHAP. 2.  
AS soon as these cruel conqueresses had taken me upon the borders of Lecheritania, they brought me away to their chief city, & so to the court, told a bell and presently all the inhabitants came flocking thither in a trice, & began to pry more narrowly upon me who stood bound sure enough (god wot) for offering them any false measure. At length, one of the rout, (their Captainesse it seemed she was) gave a sign to the rest to be silent (as she had need) and then bespoke the company thus. What, or of whence this fellow is, I do not know, only we took him in the confines of yonder damned country Letcheritania, and seeing they have offered us so much injury, I hold it very fit now (if it be not too late) to begin to take revenge of them, and first with this prisoner. Now she having made an end, I got leave (with much a do for noise) to speak, & so declared my nation, and the cause of my wandering as well as I could, and told her Womanship that for my part I had not any acquaintance at all in Letcheritania, I was one that wished her Madam-hood and all her sex all the good I could, and that it would derogate much from her nature, clemency, and from the honour of her just government to condemn an Innocent pilgrim, and one that had not offended, without hearing of his cause. Well these good words I can tell ye wrought so prettily well, that the poor young wenshes began many of them to weep: yet the old countesses were not so much overswaied by mine oration, but that I must to prison to a great house in the market place called Cold and comfortless, until my country and cause of travel were truly manifested unto the Shee-counsell. Well to ward I went, and but that my country's name (the 
a It is a proverb in France that England is the paradise of women, the purgatory of servants, and the Hell of horses.  true Paradise of women) pleaded for me, I had never come home alive, for all the Lecheritanians that they take, they either fair hang up, or else put them unto most slavish offices in this prison. Herein plaguing them for their injuries offered; for that Nation, although it be most lascivious, yet it runneth a madding eirher after whore, or else in bestiality, either neglecting their wives utterly, or else keeping them continual prisoners through mad-braind jealousy. O how many noble captains did I see here wearing out their lives in spinning, carding will and knitting? faith at length, for my country's sake, I had my liberty, but not without an oath for I was brought to junos' Altar, and there laying my hand on the same, took a solemn oath to observe all these conditions following.  

1. That I should never go about to injure this noble sex by word nor deed.  
2. That I should never interrupt a woman in her tale.  
3. That whersoever I lived, I should leave the rule of the house to my wife.  
4. That I should never more come in Letcheritania, for it is the common phrase here, Many go thither good men, but come away again evil husbands.  
5. That I should never aim at more than the love of one.  
6. That I should never bewray my wives secrets.  
7. That I should never deny my wife any woman's ornaments.  
8. That I should continually give women the prick and praise for beauty, wit and eloquence, and defend it against all men.   
This oath I 
b I believe ye sir with a little aequiuo●cation.  willingly took, & would have taken one ten times stricter, rather than have stayed there. So therefore you see my tongue is tied by mine oath, not to tell all the fine Conundrums that I saw among these mad wenches. Somewhat I may say, but no harm, no more I would in truth, if I had not been sworn at all.   

Their forms of Government, and elections of persons of state. CHAP. 3.  
THeir state (for aught that I could observe) is popular; each one seeking superiority, and avoiding obedience. They have no laws at all, but do every thing by the numbers of voices. But the giving up of their voices struck me into a wonder, being unacquainted therewith for they set up a erie all together, none gives ear, but each one yells as if she were horn mad. Is not this able to abash a good man's spirit.  
They hold a continual parliament about their more weighty affairs of state, 
In Collo qui  so that Erasmus were he alive now, would be able to give a strong testimony of women's turning suitors. Now this continuance is necessary because of their laws uncertainty: for the decrees of this day, may be all disannulled to morrow, but the same day they cannot, lest their lawgivers should seem unconstant in their edicts. Every one's voice is alike in worth, the whole city thorough, but not every one's dignity, for they have a set number of chosen women, they call them Gravesses, & these have the authority of most honour in each particular city: But they are not borne to this dignity, but elected either for their beauty, or their eloquence, for by these two are all elections ordered. They had once a custom to elect these Gravesses by voices, but afterwards, every one giving her voice only for herself, it bred a confusion, & so made them abolish that manner of election: and then they made a decree that only those should have the sway in this envious contention, who would profess themselves neither fair nor eloquent. But this brought all to such a pass that in the whole multitude of them, you should not find one that would be Electresse, the elder sort holding that they had the eloquence, and the younger standing as firm in it that they had the beauty. At length they all agree to pass over these places of Electresses unto twelve of the most aged matrons of Old Mumpington (a ruinous village hard by) and so they did, giving them the glorious title of 
c The chief of whom when as I was there were these, The Duchess of Cackletout, The Countess of Banne-alleyla the Arch-pressbyteresse of Slaversperg, the Countess Pratline of Twitlecome and eight more Subordinate Electresses.  Electresses Gravessiall, to set them the more a gogge to perform their charges. And besides this honourable style, the honey of age, wealth and abundance, comes continually upon them; for the ambitious young wenshes will so bribe and ply them with gifts, to have their voices at the day of election, that I hold there is not a court either more corrupt in giving voices, or more wealthy in given riches. In stead of sceptres and sword, the Gravesses have fans and glasses borne before them: huge Crystal glasses, and still as they pass through the streets, they prank up their attires by the said glasses, and set all their gewgaws in order as they go along.   

The original of the Sheelandresses. CHAP. 4.  
THere are few Sheelandresses borne in this Nation, but such as either will needs wear their husband's breeches, or else such as their husband's jealousy will needs either banish or make prisoners, those run flocking from all parts hither. Now all such as are their husband's masters, and are thereupon banished for their unjust claim unto sovereignty: these are assigned to inhabit the frontiers of Shee-landt especially in the countries of Shrewes-bourg, and there they are all put in garrison. But as for those that are voluntary exiles, they are generally of meek and unmanly spirits, and these are seated in the heart of the Land, to become Votaresses to Peace and to Beauty, and yet you need never dream that this weal-public (how ever weakly founded) should go to ruin for want of particular members: and I'll tell you why: there are so many voluntaries, (especially free women) come to this camp, that the fear is that rather here will want room for new inhabitants, than otherwise. Truly I am in a great perplexity lest my country women should have any understanding of this state: For if they have, we may go snicup for any female that will bide amongst us, but all will away, we should not have one big belly left to lay the foundation for a future age by, and therefore I pray you sir (whosoever you be) as you love the preservation of our lineage and the general multiplication of mankind, be silent in this so important a secret: for it lies us all upon to keep it undiscovered from our giddy females, unless we can find a better means of generation.   

Of Gygglot-tangyr. CHAP. 5.  
AT Gossipingoa, I got (besides my freedom) the City's letters, for my passport, and so from thence I took my way towards Giglot-tangire, a country lying upon the South part of Womandecoia, towards Letcheritania; The Land of itself in this part, is the world's paradise: I was not many leagues from Loves-den, the first town of this County, when I entered into an air as delicately scented, as if all the perfumers in England (do ye see) had lately played their prizes there for eternal sovereignty: the whole country round about is so stuffed with Apothecaries, and 
a The states Magnificoes.  Pomendrificoes. The rest I omit. The women of this wapentake are generally tall, gracefully adorned, and (were it not that they practise the art of Cheeke-oyling over much) very beautifully. They wear nothing on their faces, nor on their breasts: as for the rest of their habit, it is fair in show, light in weight, and easy to mount, as is the air. But their naked parts are so crusted over with over-grosse painting, (as they use in Muscovia) that you would verily imagine, you saw some statue on a Westminster tomb, rather than a living creature, such a cart load of false colours ensconce their fairest beauties.  
The women of 
b The Sepulchre of Modesty is in this town.  Shames-grave, (for so they call the shire town of Gigglot-tangire) have their houses made all of Muscovia glass, as transparent as air: And it is labour lost to seek any of them at home, unless you make your inquest immediately upon their dressing time, or some what before: But lay your plot to seek them at a Playhouse, or in a Tavern, or so, and it stands upon a good foundation: for there you are sure to find your female, either a laughing, a singing, 
c Dancing is here taken in the largest sense, including both the modern, as galliard, pavan ●ig etc. and the ancient, called the beginning of the world vide Rab. Apodemat. 17. chap. 3.  a dancing, or upon some such employment in state. You never saw spider contrive a more artificial net for a fly, than these women do for the Lecheritanians (how ever their country's deadly enemies) yet some of these men serve their desires as voluntaries, for provant, and preferment. Others, they lay their ambushes for, and fetch them in first by loose allurements, then by prayers, and then by pence, and if none of these means will work, they compel them to serve their wanton desires by force. And when they have done so, just as you see stallion horses kept for breed, so are they stowed into custody, dieted with Eryngoes, Potatoes, Culliss, and other dishes of lusts devising, until Venus send her second summons. This I no sooner heard, but I hated, and no sooner hated it, but I avoided it as neither daring presume of my learning, nor policy, but that I knew myself neither for proper young man, nor very fine Gentleman (none dispraised) I otherwise durst not have hazarded mine honesty upon so slight foundations. But you may see; It is sometimes good to want a good face: and those things with many a man doth oftentimes blame nature most for, may at one time or other stand him in more stead than her greatest benefits in ordinary estimations.   

Of Double-sex I'll, otherwise called Skrat or Hermophradite Island. CHAP. 6.  
NOt far from Guaon, the last I'll of the Moluccaes', between Cape Hermose, and Cape Beach, lies Double-sex I'll, much like unto our Isle of Man on the coast of Lancashire. In this I'll nature hath so orderly disposed all things to one form, that I could find no one plant in all the soil but was of a double kind; no tree, but bear two kind of fruits or one fruit of two several kinds & names: there was your Peare-apple, your Cherry-damsen, your Date-alimond, your Chestnut-fylberd, and a thousand of these conclusions of nature. Yea in so much that the very inhabitants of the whole Island wore all their habits as Indices of a coaptation of both sexes in one. Those that bore the most man about them, wore spurs, boots and breeches from the heels to the hanshes: and bodies, rebatoes and periwigs from the crupper to the crown: and for those that were the better sharers in woman kind, they wear doublets to the rump, and skirts to the remainder. Nay their very names bare notes of their perticipations of either side: There was Mary-Philip, Peter-alice, jane-andrew, and George-audry, and many more that I remember not. All of their own nation that have not shown themselves perfect both in begetting, & bringing forth, are made slaves to the rest: & when they take any that are but simply of one sex, Lord what a coil they keep about them, showing them as prodigies & monsters, as we do those that are borne double-headed, or other such deformed births. Their only glory which they esteem most, is that in their conceit they have the perfection of nature amongst them alone, of all the world besides them. For seeing nature (say they) hath bestowed two hands, two feet, two eyes, two ears and two nostrils to every meaner perfect body, why should not the most excellent creature of all be perfect in two sexes also? And again: the ancient sacrificers to Cybele, and the Pathiques of old Rome were fain to use forced means for that which we have given us by nature. Thus are they wont to protect their deformities: and truly you may observe in them all, 
a The Mule is held both to conceive and to beget, in Syria, Arist. and some hold the like of the Hare.  besides their shapes, both a man's wit, and a woman's craft. They have no Cattle in this country but Mules nor any wild beasts but Hares. They live most upon shellfish, for that is their best and most ordinary sustenance.   

Of Shrewes-bourg. CHAP. 7.  
IN my return from the confines of Gigglot-tangia, being now upon the most western angle of the same, I light (just as my staff fell) into the Country of Shrewes-bourg, the only garrison of this feminine government, and the only defence it hath against foreign incursions. Now the country fearing no foe but the Letcheritanians (for the Thrivingois are a quiet nation and never will offer to molest them, and the Foolianders cannot though they would) do therefore place their forts and towns of garrison upon the Eastern frontiers of Letcheritania.  
Here was I truly gulled; for espying persons in the habits of men, mass thought I, this is good, I am now gotten out of Womendecoia: but when all came to all, I was flat cozened with a borrowed shape: for in this country women wear breeches, and long beards, and the men go with their chins all naked, in kirtles and petticoats; spinning and carding wool, whilst their wives discharge the main affairs of the state.  
In this tract is an ancient and ample town seated, generally called Pepuzia, and I do not think but 
a Arist. de haeres.  Pepuzian Heretics were of this original, who held that women should be both Princes and Priests as well as men. The Barbarians in 
b Aristo-Polit. lib. 1. 5. 1.  Aristotle's time never used their women half so imperiously as the men are used here: I had great compassion upon their slavery: Yes verily had I: The poor snakes dare not so much as wipe their mouths unless their wives bid them: not so much as (saving your presence) go piss, nor pass a word with their best friend, but they must first come to their wives with a writ of Quaeso Magistra, good Mistress give me leave to go etc. I observed this custom to be more strictly looked unto upon one certain day whilst I was there, then at other times by far: and the reason was, because that while some of the better spirited husbands disdaining to be chained in this unmanly subjection by their wives, had laid a plot amongst themselves to rise on a set night (as it might be this night) in open arms upon the sudden against wives, and so shake off this infamous and disgraceful servitude.  
This plot had come to very good effect had not misfortune crossed it: for one cowardly fellow of their confederacy, being threatened by his wife to be sound cudgeled for some other private escape that he had made; to procure himself a pardon, went and revealed all the whole platform of the conspiracy, just the evening before the night appointed.  
The women sit at meat and the men attend, the women sleep and the men watch; so do they scold and fight, whilst the men are fain to bear off with ears, head and shoulders.  
Happy may they call that day whereon they are not lambeaked before night. I imagined myself amongst the Turkish slaves, but that these distinction of habits assured me this was a more base kind of captivity.  
Ah what a beastly sight was it to see a distaff and a spindle in a man's hand, and a sword and buckler in a woman's▪ Yet I concealed my dislike as well as I could, desiring but to see without suffering.  
If any woman use her husband somewhat gentlier than ordinary (as some of them be tender hearted) she is presently informed against, cited to appear before the Court Parliament of Shrewes-bourg, and there indited of high treason against the state. Her next neighbours give evidence against her with such noise & fury, that it is strange to see how far they are overbeared with impatience. If she be but convicted by the smallest evidence that is, she is condemned to this punishment. She must first change attires with her husband, and then shave off all her hair, and so being led through the market place must stand for one whole day upon the pillory, as an object unto all the fleering scoffs of the beholders, nor shall the man escape scotfree, for being so audacious, as to take the favours offered by his wife without a modest refusal: but when the woman comes home (be she all covered with dirt, grains, rotten-egges, etc.) she may not put off her vesture until she bring a cudgel into the Court, all died with the fresh blood of her husband's broken pate. He that out-liveth his wife, must either marry his maid and be sworn to her service as he was to his former wives, or else he must become slave to the next neighbour's wife. For no man may be the ruler of his own house, in this country: when the wife goeth forth, either to wars, consultations, or for pleasure, she leaveth her keys, & therewithal her government unto her maid, or her daughter: Either of which if the husband but once mutter against, his shoulders are sure to pay for it sound at his wives return, unless he can either beg or buy the silence of the deputy governess. They 
a ●ust court fashion in England.  never lie with their husbands but when provender pricks them: For that (they hold) would procure too much familiarity, notwithstanding if the husband arise not out of his cabin in the entry before the wife be warm in her bed, and coming up stairs barefoot, knock thrice gently at her Chamber door, and offer her his service in a soft voice he is sure to have on the rubs the next day.  
The women of this tract observe a fashion directly contrary unto ours, for they 
b That there may be less ho●d taken by their assailants, and more by themselves.  clip their hair and let their nails grow long. There are also certain amongst them that are Proffessitrixes of the Noble Science, and keep free schools, wherein the rest are taught all the wards offensive and defensive, both of heels, nails and teeth: as also the most exact and judicial method of clawing off the skin of men's faces, pulling out eyes; biting of arms, wring of ears, and tearing of beards: These lectures they are instructed in both by precept and practice.  
Now you would think it incredible if I should tell you of the neatness of their houses, yet the men are all their drudges to wash, wipe, scour and sweep all that is done: yea and dress all the meat beside: so that I imagine that it is but man's esteem of the undecency of such businesses, (not any of his unableness to discharge them) that maketh him eschew such employments. There is no foul spot to be found in any house here, saving on the men's clothes, but those are so filthy that they are true notes how they neglect themselves as much as the women neglect them; Notwithstanding go but abroad into the fields (which are the women's charge to see to) and there you shall find all most beastly: The very walls of the Cities are half down and that which standeth is so disgracefullie framed, that the very stones seem to beg to be at man's dispose, and to abhor the ordering of womankind.  
I know gentle Reader thou maruelest much how I got safely away from such a dangerous place, and from so mischievous a form of government. Faith I'll tell thee truly, mine age, my habit, and good advise were my patrons in all this perilous adventure. My habit was manlike, my face womanlike (for I had yet no beard) and beside I met a many of my own countrymen (a strange chance in a region so unknown) whom I knew by sight as well as the beggar knows his dish▪ verily I did, and these (like true friends at need) gave me such good directions, 
Aeneid. 6.  that (as Aeneas did by Sibylla) I following their advises got at length (though with much toil and danger) through all the dirty fens of 
c Where the women will fall a weeping upon any wager, even when they list.  Blubberick, over the Mushrumpallian Mountains, and so finally into the confines of Fooliana.  
But now you may come upon me with another question, and ask me why I traveled not in that part when the Modestinians, the women of Black Swan-mark had their habitation. Truly I hold myself infortunate in that one thing alone, that I could not come to see their state as well as the rest, seeing that my mind presageth unto me, that it excelleth all the forenamed. There is such a people my friend I tell thee plain: but the region wherein they inhabit I could never come to discover, only the name I brought from their ancient chronicles of the other states, and that as I said is 
d A chaste and modest woman, is Rara anis ia terris, nigroque simillima cigno Juvenal.  Black-Swan-marke. Indeed there are some of them that live as Anchoresses', and Hermitesses in the craggy deserts of some other parts of Shee-landt, but their habitations are generally unknown, and almost inaccessible: these notwithstanding are the monasteries, whether (as it is reported) the fairest, chastest, and most zealous of the Sheelandresses do voluntarily retire themselves: he that will take the pains to search those vast deserts, may questionless meet with some of those holy Votaresses: I light by chance of one or two of them, whose variety of virtues, beauties and behaviours have left me in an ecstasy until this very hour: but our young travelers being too idle to enter upon so hard an inquest, that is the cause why they have no other colour to cover their slothfulness by, but by unjustly alleging the smallness of the number of honest women.   
Finis lib. 2.   

The third Book.  

The Discovery of Fooliana. The situation and populousness of Fooliana. CHAP. 1.  
FOoliana is the most 
a Stultorum plena sunt omnia.  vast and ill-husbanded region that ever mine eyes beheld, and yet withal, the most populous. If a man should but go into the Burse of any town of traffic in this whole nation, he would swear, (as one did once of Paris) that the whole world came to trade thither. I am not ignorant of the number of the people that are imagined to be in all Europe, take it therefore as from the Historiographers, and not from me. Italy is said to contain 9000000, more or less: Spain, a number somewhat lesser; England, 3000000; the Low Countries as many; both the Germanies, 15000000; France as many; Sicilia 130000: We know also what they (that use to amplify upon all things) say of the number of the inhabitants of China, that they do amount unto ●0000000. That country paralelld with the whole country of Fooliana, is rather an unhabitable desert than a peopled nation: it lieth just under the Antarctike pole, as the 
b Mercator in his Atlas Geograph, affirms as much.  Pigmey-land lieth under the Arctic: and hence do I gather (as any man else may) that the extremity of cold in both these opposed regions, is cause both of the Pigmees littleness, and the Foolianders' blockishness ● nature so well gracing herself by effecting the defect of body in one place, and counterpeysing it with as great a defect of wit in another. To confirm this, do we not see that such as inhabit the temperate Zones are generally perfect both in body & mind: But let this be removed unto the cloisters of the Philosophers, I must proceed with my purpose.  
Fooliana, on the South butteth upon Tenter-belly, on the East upon Shee-landt, and the farthest corner of Thrivingois, and finally on the West, upon Theeves-wijck.   

The parts of Fooliana: the people's conditions in general. CHAP. 2.  
FOoliana the great, is divided into five lesser Fooliana's, as namely there is Fooliana the fickle, in the Eastern frontiers: Fooliana the craggy, just under the Pole: Fooliana the fat, towards the south-west, Fooliana the fond, between both: and Fooliana the devout, towards the West. Now the inhabitants of all these five, are generally tall of body (for all the vehemency of the cold climate wherein they live) their hair a pale flaxen, their heads 
a As Homer saith of Thersi●es, 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  like sugar-loves; their lips bog like a Moors, and their eared thick and spacious. But their conditions do not keep all one form: some things they have generally in them all, and they are these: what ever stranger arrive amongst them (unless he light in Fooliana the craggy) they presently entertain him with all the pleasures that their townhouse, & table can by any means afford: Come we to any of them all, with a dust-licking congee, & some three or four vostra Signioria's, Spaniard like, and either commend his good face, his new coat, his fine hand, his fair house, or season but his affections with an admiring applause, and this your obsequiousness shall purchase you an host whose courtesy will imagine nothing too dear for you; good words & fair promises are all the moneys that this nation useth; yet they have great store of gold, which they barter away for feathers, bells, timbrels, and garlands, happy he that hath the best store of such commodities to utter at these Ports. The inhabitants are of a hard constitution, going bare-breasted, & thin attired in the depth of winter, to take air the better: marry in the heat of summer, they were rug gowns, and cloaks above that, to keep out heat the better: yet they have some philosophoterical professors amongst them, that will go almost naked in midst of winter, in contempt of the cold, and their reason is this, that seeing all creatures besides man can be content with hair and hide only, why should not man that is made master to them all, make shift to break through all the battalions of cold, being armed only with his shirt of nature, his skin? I promise you, a strong & sensible argument.  
You shall never take any of them solitary, for they do continually talk and contend in argument with themselves when they are alone and in game: you shall have them fall terribly out sometimes with themselves only; one word provoking him to tears, & another immediately procuring laughter, & the person being all this while single by himself. They have also certain sects of people, generally called Foolosophers amongst them, and these have the same credit there, that the Bonzoes' have in China. I have well near forgotten their several orders: some of them run upon my tongue's end, and I think (I am not sure) that there was one sort called Browne-backs, and another called 
b Cluniacenses.  Clunches: besides (as I remember) there are the 
c The Trinitarians with square caps.  Quadricornes, the Barly-faces, the Greenegeeses, the societies of Saint Patch del Culo, Saint Gynny come home at noon, & many more that are far from my remembrance. all these give their own allowances unto others, and beg for scraps themselves, wandering through that verges of Fooliana, & where they find a stone with any picture upon it, (be it what it will) down they go upon all four, with curtsies, and cringes, 'tis more than strange to observe them: gold is ready change with them for led, provided it have a tail of parchment at the end of it. Tapers and noon day meet ordinarily at every dinner time amongst them. To eat flesh is altogether unlawful for them; but for fish, take your gorge full gratis, and never break statute for it, I'll be your warrant: It is a sin inpardonable 
d The tale of the Franciscan and the Dominican is common.  for some of them to touch gold or silver with their bare hands: as it is also their general custom scarcely to salute any man, yet may they neither omit cross, nor carved statue without a religious duck: They whip themselves cruelly; the 
e Who were solemnly scourged at the altar of Diana. Plut. in Apoph.  Spartans' boys scourging was but a fly blowing unto this of theirs: first because no man but themselves will undergo sore lashes, and secondly because in the obedient times, they had a tradition given them that calves blood was a pleasing sacrifice to their gods nostrils. Their crowns are shaven, either to put the world in mind that all men are borne bald, or, for avoiding heat of the head, or else, lest the hair growing betwixt heaven and the brain, should be any hindrance to the mind in her celestial meditation. Only two things (in my simple judgement) they are justly to be accounted too witty in: first in that they bring the people into such a fools paradise, that they fetch all the fruits of other men's labours into their platters, whilst themselves sit at ease in their cells: and secondly, in that they can so cunningly avoid the bearing of their crosses at home, by getting grass for their stallions abroad, and by keeping their fools at other men's mangers. There is wit in this believe me.  
If any of these monastical men be sick, the covent never ceaseth weeping till he either go for up, or take a longer day: Physic he must have none: yet when they are in their pangs of death, their foolosophers anoint them with oil: They measure not one's wisdom by his silence (for so may one of john of Paul's Church-yeards blocks, prove wiser than he himself) but by the choice composition and deliverance of good & graceful terms: He is held a wise man, that speaketh not much unto little purpose, not he that speaketh little unto none at all. They never come on horseback, nor a shipp-board, but hold it fondness to hazard their lives either on a stumbling jade, or in a weltering barge: they suck until their beards come: nor do they ever bury their dead, holding it a slavish part for a man to tumble his parent, wife, brother or so, into an hole, because that life is out of them, & to make a feast of them unto the worms, because of the lack of a little breath, & therefore they 
f As the Indians of Brasilia, Peru, and other places did when these parts were first discovered. Petr. Mart. ab Anglcria Decad. Ocean.  hang them up in the air, in their best attire, & every year keep a solemn obite in honour of their departed ghosts, just in the place where they are hung up, and this form of burial is most ancient as may be gathered out of many monuments yet extant in Fooliana the devout.  
The women of this nation are the principal governesses also of the state, but their dominions more tolerable in that their wits cannot inform them of the true state of Sovereignty. But what they have (as I was told) grew first upon this: The Shrewesburgesses whilom overrun all the whole region of Fooliana, 
Annal. foolian dens. Centur. 19 sect. 7. li. 3. cap. 293.  which notwithstanding by reason of the barrenness of the soil, they would not possess, but left the inhabitants in possession: provided, they held it no longer than they did homage for it unto them; paying them an Ass laden with gold, for their yearly tribute. This rent was paid along time, until at last the Foolianders broke out upon these conditions, that as for the gold, they did not respect it, so that the Shrews-burgesses would demand it when it was due: but for them to force a loving creature, and one of their natural towne-borne country-broode, with strokes and bats, to bear this burden out of their land against his proper will and pleasure, this was a condition very hard, nay to their judgements intolerable; besides that their quiet hereby stood in doubt; for one ass (you know) being heavier than another, if gold and ass and all, weighed more or less this year than they did the year before, the Shrews-burgesses might allege that they had not their due: especially (which is a main reason of this breach) seeing that the poor creature, though seeming never so able to bear out his burden at first, yet after a few days journeys hath been forced to lay him down under his load. This message incensed the Shrewesburgesses much, whereupon to arms they go, & entering Fooliana, came without any resistance unto Blocksford, otherwise called Duns-ton, the chief city of the land: alarm was given: out comes all the Blocks-fordians hurling upon an heap without arms or order. The foe was fairly ranged, and gave the charge: down falls a citizen or two, which the rest beholding, fell all upon their knees in submission, with prayers for mercy, and protestations of innocency: The weapons were held, and by and by one of the gravest Foolianders bespoke them in this manner. 
The Foolianders' oration unto the Shrewefburg●sses.  Ah what a violent inundation of cruelty hath overflown your good hearts, you right valiant Shrewesburgesses? that for one poor Ass you should kill thus many proper men, and pretty scholars: especially (and oh let this especial reason rule ye) seeing that one quick ass, or one ass being quick (do ye understand me) would have been more serviceable to your estate then a thousand (a thousand said I? may then five and forty) men being dead, as nail in door? take, (mistake me not, I bid you take) take every one his ass, and his burden of gold, we had rather live without them then to die for them: you shall all have asses (asses are not so scant in this country of ours) once more I say, you shall have asses, God's plenty: o then put up your shining things, & spare the lives of a many weaponless men: I know (& to your honour be it spoken) I do understand that your valour scorns to stand in defence against a weaponless wretch: O spare us than I do beseech you, & free us from that present fear! Well, the conqueresses are moved by this pathetical oration, & consented to give them their pardons, marry upon this condition, that the women of Fooliana should evermore in domestic employments, have pre-eminence before the men. The vanquished gave their humble consents, and we thank ye too, for it was a noisome toil to them to be evermore in the tail of a slow-back, egging him on to performance whether he would or no.   

Of Fooliana the fickle. CHAP. 3.  
FOoliana the fickle, is the Easter-most part of all Fooliana the great, and next unto Shee-landt. Expect not here (gentle reader) any exact description hereof: how I found it, and how I left it, I know thou shalt know as well as I: but if you chance to go thither yourself (as many a fine Gentleman I can tell ye, and men of good worship have done within this few years) and find not the state as I describe it unto you, blame not any defect in me: for their forms of government are so daily altered, that one may describe ye the shape of Proteus, or the colour of the Chameleon or tell what wether it will be to morrow, sooner than give you any true notice of their discipline. The Portugals may brag of their travels and discoveries, let them do so, but I durst venture a large wager, that if it could be tried, the ancient 
a It is natural to the Frenchman to be a wether cocksape, and to an Englishman (pardon me you few of firmer spirits) to be his ape.  Frenchmen did first discover this country, there are as yet so many monuments remaining that show it, both in the names of the towns▪ their most ancient laws, and their chief coins. Their grounds never carry any one certain form two years together: that which is pasture this year, shall be arable the next: that which was all high mountains this year, shall be all carried away to fill up dales withal, the next. Nay they turn the very course of their rivers also, so that sometimes, as Virgil saith.  
b Virgil.  Plaustra boves ducunt quà remis acta carina est. 
The plough now tears that up, that whilom was  
A way for nothing but for boats to pass:  
So do the inhabitants shut out their swelling rivers on one side, & they themselves (raging at their forced stops) carve themselves a new course out on the other sides. They have great store of magnificent cities, but they change their fashion every other day at the farthest: The chief of which, at my first coming thither, was called 
c Which is in Italian a● Butter fly.  Farfellia, but ere I went away, it was decreed by the whole body of the counsel, that it should thenceforth be called Butterflieux: the whole frame of this city goeth all upon wheels, & may be drawn like a cart, whether the counsels pleasures is to have it. It is recorded to have altered the situation a hundred times since the foundation, & thirty times it hath quite lost the former shape. In the time that I was there it stood seated by 
d Sir Thomas Moor in his Utopia hath a river of the same name, 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉  the river of Waterlesse, and was very shortly to be carried up to the height of Mount Wantwood. The rivers are all so frozen over with the extreme cold, that if any town be weary of the old place it may pass the waters unto a new one. Every month the form of the city changeth, for every house is separable from the next unto it: so that as soon as ever they find any the least fault with the old neighbours away goes house and household and all, to seat themselves in a new street. The arms wherewith this city's scutcheon was whilom charged, was a Snail with her shell on her back, on a chief argent: the words, Mea mecum, I carry mine own about me: but now it is the Butterfly desplaied, in a field vert and flowered: the word, Vbilibet: Where I list.  

Of the people's conditions, and attires. Sect. 1.  
THe Inhabitants go all in painted feathers, as the Indians do; for seeing that these light things kept the little birds warm enough, why (say they) should we desire now being far more able to bear out could then those poor and tender creatures are? Now when they would seem to have new-coates, than they change the places of their feathers: so that that which in the morning wore on their heads, cometh before night to wipe the dust from their heels, and so the rest, that which kept the knee warm but now, by and by getteth up above half a yard higher.  
They do marry wives, and love them pestilently well for a while; keeping themselves truly loyal to their espousals, until they either take some occasion of dislike in their old bedfellow, or chance to behold another that is fairer than she: and then, farewell wife, and welcome with all mine heart husband saith she; for the wife is commonly as willing to make exchange, 
a Just as our Citizens use a man as long as he hath cash, you have him, brow and bosom, but that failing, my master is not within sir.  as the man is: (assure yourselves that she taketh the first dislike, if her husband's Cocke-shippe be, any way declining). They use a stranger for the first day as if he were their own brother, (though they never saw him before): marry the next day they will pass you by, and forget that ever they knew ye.  
They seldom or never proffer any thing which they do not call back again at the next breath they take, before the promise be confirmed: Nor do they ever promise, but they afterwards forswear it, until it be performed: nor do they ever perform any thing which they do not afterwards, (though all to late) repent and be sorry for. They will not sell you any thing to day, but if you dislike it, they will give you double the price you paid for it to morrow. They make their laws new every year once: for it is not fit (thus they defend it) seeing all man's life is mutable, that the rules of life should not be mutable also as well as the effects: beside, man's second cogitations being generally more perfect, it were a strange slavery to be tied so to a first decree, that although the after-wit dislike it never so, may not be altered.   

Turne-coates tomb. The nations ancient Coins. Sect. 2.  
IN this City, near unto the 
a Built in the fashion of our Exchange & far better traded.  Asse-change, is a tomb of one Turncoat, of small antiquity, and of smaller beauty, upon it I read this inscription.  

PASSENGER.  
Stay, Read, Walk. Here lieth.  

b Just such an Epitaph is there in Bologna in Italy in Saint Peter, beginning, Aelia Laelia Crispis, nec vir nec inulier, nec Androgynan, nec casta, etc.  ANDREW TURNCOAT, WHO WAS NEITHER SLAVE, NOR SOLDIER, NOR PHYSICIAN, NOR FENCER, NOR COBBLER, NOR FILCHER, NOR lawyer, NOR USURER, BUT ALL: WHO LIVED NEITHER IN CITY, NOR COUNTRY, NOR AT HOME, NOR ABROAD, NOR AT SEA, NOR AT LAND, NOR HERE, NOR ELSEWHERE, BUT EVERY WHERE. WHO DIED NEITHER OF HUNGER, NOR POISON, NOR HATCHET, NOR HALTER, NOR DOG, NOR DISEASE, BUT OF ALL TOGETHER. ay, I. H. BEING NEITHER HIS DEBTOR, NOR HEIR, NOR KINSMAN, NOR FRIEND, NOR NEIGHBOUR, BUT ALL: IN HIS MEMORY HAVE ERECTED THIS, NEITHER MONUMENT, NOR TOMB, NOR SEPULCHRE, BUT ALL: WISHING NEITHER EVIL NOR WELL, NEITHER TO THEE, NOR ME, NOR HIM, BUT ALL UNTO ALL.   
Somefoure miles from Giggumbobbia, there is a plain where there were certain old coins digged up whilst I was there, I care not much if I show you the forms of some of them.  
One was a square piece, having a janus head with two faces on the one side, and the semblance of a globe-like stone upon a smooth table on the other, and in dark rust-eaten letters, this about it. FBR. VAR. DVC. the form was this.  
The third was larger, and of more value it seemed; bearing the figure of an egg: having on one side a lean face with a long nose, and a wreath of laurel about the forehead: on the other, a 
c Polipus is a disease in the nose, called Noli melangere aswell as a many footed fish.  Polypus (a many-footed fish called a Pour-countrell, upon a stone, passing well cut verily: the word was Pour-Bon.  
Pour.  
Bon.   

Of the University that is in Fooliana the fickle. Sect. 2.  
AS I traveled along the valley Capritchious, I chanced to light upon a town that bore some shape of an University. The name they told me was Whether-for-a-pennia. Here met I with some shadows of Philosophers, but never a substance: You may go whistle and save your labour, as well as to come and look for any lectures, rectors, books or schools of the seven sciences here. Every peculiar man here is both his own teacher and his own Auditor. Yet are there two Colleges in the town: one of the 
a Philosophers that held themselves discussers and exact inquirers of all things. Gell. lib. 11. chap. 5.  Skeptikes, who deny that their is any trust to be given to the sense: and they are such absolute suspenders, that they dare not for their ears decree any thing positively, no not this, that they ought to hold all things in suspense. Steal away any one of their purses, cloaks or victuals 
b In Diog. Laert. De lacyda.  (as one of them was served once) and he presently falls into a doubt whether ever he had such a thing or no: Strike one of them as hard as you can, he doubts of it, both whether you struck hard or no, & whether he feel it or no. Speak to him or touch him, he hears, sees, and feels you, yet he dare not assure himself that any one thing of this is true.  
The other College consisteth wholly of Gew-gawiasters, who give themselves wholly to the invention of novelties, in games, buildings, garments, and governments. He that can devise a new game or a new fashion, according to his invention hath a place of dignity assigned him by the Duke.  
He that first devised to blow out bubbles of soap and spittle forth of the walnut shell, is of as great renown amongst them, as ever was the first Printer, or Gun-founder amongst us of Europe: these Gew-gawiasters, are in great esteem in Court, yea and amongst the meaner sort also, in so much that many of them will not put on a tatter, nor once move, without their directions.  
Nay these I can tell ye are scholars indeed: they have devised a new language wherein they kept the mysteries of their knowledge, only to themselves: it is called the 
b So do the Parace●sists call their balde●dashe.  Supermonicall tongue. Some of the words I will set down in this place, for the good of such as shall travel those countries hereafter, that they be not utterly 
c Cedarine, in Paracelsisme is blockish or ignorant.  Cedarine in this language when they hear it spoken.  
They call the earth; Silo.  
The soul; Adek.  
All thing within the skin; Chohos.  
The inner part of the midriff, Coostrum.  
Aquality borne with the body; Relloleum.  
A thing natural: Cherionium.  
Salt: Al, and Malek.  
The earth's vapour: Leffas:  
The waters moving: Lorindt.  
Wild honey: Tereniabin.  
The evil fumes of the elements; Realgar.  
A mandrake: Aroph.  
A male Coney, Ircub.  
A beginning, Ilech.  
A think supernatural, jesadoal.  
An unguent; Oppodeltoch.  
Vinegar, Xisinium.  
Star-slime, Nostoch.  
jupiter, Cydar.  
Successive generation, Dordo.  
An uncertain presage, Erodinium.  
A certain one, Essodinium.  
Pustules, Bothor.  
Lame, Artetiscus.  
Crooke-backed, Nasda.  
An amulet against the plague, Xenechtum.  
But I wondered much more at the names of their minerals and spirits, for they call brimstone, Chibur, Alcubrith, Kibrit, and Alchur.  
Quicksilver, Sibar, plissadan, azoth, unquasi.  
Vnfined lime, Wismadt.  
The Philosopher's salt, Alembrot.  
Mercury precipitate, Diatessadelton.  
A metal like Iron, Bobolt.  
Iron, Edir.  
Mercury, Missader, Zaibar.  
Mineral gold, Chifir, Fido.  
Copper, Maelibeum.  
The rust of copper, Almizadir.  
Vitriol, Colcohar.  
A compound of coral and the lobster, Dubelcolep.  
And now come the spirits names, with whom they are wondrously familiar.  
Euestrum, Is the good Genius.  
Xeniphidei, Good spirits that reveal secret things to man.  
Trifertes, Spirits of the fire.  
Caballi, Goblins.  
Trarames, Apparitions.  
Operinethiolin, Mineral spirits.  
Gamahaea, An image impressed in the Fantasy.  
Sylphes, Airy spirits.  
Paracelsus was provost of the college, who invented them this strange language: But indeed I am not sure whether this tongue continuestill amongst them, or hath by this time given place to some language of the later edition. howsoever it be, I have done my duty in warning you of it before hand.    

Of Fooliana the craggy. CHAP. 4.  
FOoliana the Craggy lieth just under the pole: the farthest of all the Land Southward: it is a Mountainous, stony, and eternally frosty country, lying in an air extremely cold, and as extremely dry. Here there is an Iron Rock, just like that Rock of Loadstone, which the Geographers say is under the North pole: and this is the reason why the compass, af●er you are passed the Epinoctiall, declines towards the South, the cause whereof no Geographer, or Mariner could ever as yet declare.  
This land is divided into two duchies rather spacious then fertile, commonly called Solitary and the sad, Cholerikoye.  

Of the Duke, and inhabitants of Solitaria the sad. Sect. 2.  
THE Duke of Solitaria is generally called by the name of Grumble-doro the Great, a testy and severe man, whose subjects are as like in conditions unto him, as they are unlike to all the rest of the other Foolianders. He hath a huge & spacious palace called Hearts-griefe-Court, built all of Ebonye and jet, in a most magnificent kind of structure. Over the porch are these words enchased in Coral.  
Merentum locus est: 
Written by Ranizovius in a chapel near to Sigeberg.  procul hinc discedite laeti:  
This is the place where sorrow dwells and care:  
Fly far, far hence, all you that mirthful are.  
The people of this nation are generally all haire-be grown, lean, slovenly, swarthy complexioned, rough headed, sternly visaged, and heavy eyed, fixing their looks as in amazement, and seldom moving their ey-bals: their optic organs stand far into their heads, making them look like so many hollow-eyed skulls. Here it is in vain to look either for city or village: they dwell every man in a place far from other, as Hares choose their seats: and profess a kind of life most truly Heremitical: partly because they are of too suspicious and fearful a nature to dwell in company; & partly because the Duke hath expressly forbidden all men to build any one house within the sight of another, or within the distance of thus many miles from any habitation whatsoever. They seldom or never stir forth a doors, partly for the continual darkness that covereth all this climate, and partly for their own, and their Prince's pleasures: and when they do go abroad they do very seldom salute any one they meet, for this is one statute in their laws: Let no man stir abroad, but upon necessity, nor salute any man he meets but upon 
a This the Ca●thusians observe very duly, and devoutly.  Thursdays. Go to any of their houses, and knock at the door, you shall stand a good while to cool your toes, and at last be sent away with a snappish answer: for they are the most insociable creatures under the cope of heaven. But how do they spend their time think you? Faith in imagining & framing fictions to themselves of things never done, nor never likely to be done: in believing these their fictions, and in following these beliefs: This is the reason why they abhor company, and hate to be interrupted in their airy castle buildings.  
You shall have one of them directly persuaded that he is dead, and lying all along under the stool, like a dead carcase. If any one come to question him, he flieth in his face with most violent fury, supposing him some Necromancer, that hath called his soul back again from the dead, by his magical enchantments, and from that time forwards, 
b So did one Pisander in a melancholy fit. Cael Rhodig. lib. 9 chap. 26.  he wanders all about the country like a Ghost, imagining himself henceforth wholly invisible: but if any of his fellows take him and bind him, he forthwith deems him a fury sent from Pluto, to fetch back the soul that lately broke away from hell, and now is he in the most pitiful taking that ever was man; imagining his house which he held to be but his grave before, to be a direct hell to him now. Another is of opinion that he is become a Mole, and lieth in a cave under ground, hunting for worms, and turning up the earth with a pike upon his nose provided just for the purpose: if any one follow him, and give him but a little prick, he presently believeth himself taken by the Mole-catcher, and with miserable cries prepares himself to be hung up on the hedge. A third holds himself to be Atlas, the world's supporter; and so standeth immovably still, now and then fetching a sigh or two, sometimes lifting up his shoulder, and sometimes shrinking it downwards: now when he hath sweat a little with this excessive toil, if any one come and thrust him from his station, he presently falls flat down on his face with roars and cries, expecting every moment when the skies should fall upon him, and railing at the wickedness of man, that had so little respect of his own preservation, and the safety of the whole world. Another avows himself to be Megaera, one of the furies, & affrighteth the passengers with terrible gestures: shaking his hair (which he thinks is nothing but snakes) hissing, and running at them that come by him, with open mouth: if he catch a whelp or a cat, o how he will torture it: and imagining it the soul of some sinner, taketh great pleasure in the cries of the poor beast (as it is said Ajax in his madness did by the Rams). Another believes his nose to be grown of such a size, (as Cyngar did in 
c The inventor of the macaronical tongue, he wrote of the gests of Bal●us, Cyngar, Fracasso, Vin●azzo, Seraffus, etc. all in Strambottologicall verse.  Cocaius) he gets him a great many thongs, to bind it up at his back for the more convenient carriage. Another supposeth himself made all of glass or Potter's earth, and so flieth all men's company, lest he should be broken amongst them. Thus hath every particular man in the whole land some conceit or other, unto which he holds his shape to be conformed.   

Sect. 3.  
FRom the foot of Mount-eye, the river of Tears hath his first spring, running through most part of this Province, which is parted into two, by a continual ledge of mountains, called the Nose-autems, just as Italy is divided in the midst by mount Appenine. These mountains have nothing in them but dire and frightful desolation, nor give harbour to any living thing save Bears, and Witches, and these abound all the deserts through. The Bear (a most lumpish melancholy creature) will lie ye all winter through, in a sightless cave, living only upon sleep and licking of his feet. The witches being blear-eyed & toothless old hags, do nothing but sit muttering of charms to raise winds and waters, to cure maladies, and call up the dead, over all which they promise themselves assured authority, and yet in the mean time are starved to death for want of meat. These hills on the one side are all covered with a thick dark wood, called Owles-wood, which is continually haunted with spirits and apparitions, and not for man to enter, or to pass through. Here shall you have your 
a Lycanthropis, they are men or women that by sorcery can put on the shapes of wolves, & yet reserve the reason of man.  Witch-wolues in abundance, whose howling if you know not their customs before, will set your hair an end with terror. In Divels-dale at the foot of these hills, you shall see many whom that famous Enchantress 
b By a Me●tathesis, otherwise called Melancholy.  Choly-melan is said to have transformed into 
c All melancholy is Asslike, or Lion-like.  Lions & Asses, and yet left them both the faces and voices of men.   

Sect. 4.  
HEre we may not overpass the only wonder of the whole country, 'tis this. On the side of the highest mountains of all the Nose-autems is Cholly-melans cave. It hath a narrow entrance, and is almost frozen up with Ice, but it is as it seemeth by the sound, of a large compass within. All the sides of the entry are hung with huge Ice-hickles, which showing like teeth, do make the place seem like the picture of Hels-mouth. In this cave they say the souls of melancholic persons are plagued with continual and extreme cold: whosoever offers to look in (as few will that wise are) is presently struck down senseless, where his body lieth a good while dead, expecting the return of his tormented spirit: but he that lays his ear to the ground a little without the hole, oh what howling, sighing, rattling of chains, and falling of Ice-sickles shall he seem to hear? Or he that sleepeth upon any part of this mount (which I more hardily then warily adventured) good God what Chimaeras, Centaurs, and thousands of such amazefull apparitions shall he (to his horror) behold in his dreams!    

Of Cholerikoye, the other Duchy of Fooliana the craggy. CHAP. 5.  
NExt unto this is Cholericoye, a barren, burnt, sandy soil; producing a brood of hasty, furious, haire-braind, mad people: 
The natural token of choler.  low of stature, pale-faced, read headed, ferret eyed, trembling lipped, & unequally (though ordinarily hasty) paced. These are all under the government of Duke Swash-buckliero, the model & Emblem of all tyranny. The reader will admire, and hold it incredible, that he should use his subjects as he doth. The famous Russian tyrant was a merciful Prince in respect of this man: there was never Caesar, never Cannibal so bloodthirsty as he is. Here now the ingenious searchers of nature may make a great doubt, how a nation so exorbitantly cold, should produce such extraordinarily fiery constitutions, the bodies of others generally following the nature of the clime wherein they are borne. O sir, content yourself whosoever ye be (if not, ye may choose, I will never entreat ye) we Philosophers know well enough, that where the heat is kept in by the stronger Antiperistasis, that is, where it is the stronglier bound in by encircling cold, there it breaketh out into a more violent operation. Doth not Africa, that burnt region, produce serpents of the coldest nature of all others? are there not flies bred in the furnaces of Cyprus, 
Mercurial. va●. lection. Georg. Agric. lib. de Subterean.  whose cold do quite extinguish the heat of the fire? hath not the thunder and lightning their first original in the middle region of the air? and is not the whole earth oftentimes shaken by a fire, hatched in the depth of her own cold bowels? well, Philosophy is on my side, and I dare therefore be hold to say what I do say. On with our description.  
This Dukedom is divided into four weapentakes; Sallow-hew, Grene-chekes, Blue brow, and 
a As much to say Fiery-front. Rogue in French, is red in English.  Rougeux: the people of the first, wear all tawny: the second all green, the third all blue, and the fourth all red. There is none of these that ever stir abroad unarmed; he that is but half sufficiently appareled, will be sure howsoever to have his armour upon him A capo a pie: and like a Porter hired by Mars, has his Musket on one shoulder, and his Halberd on the tother, his sword there, and his great bum dagger here, with two box hilts, a man may boil two joints of meat in them, and at his back he bore his bow and shafts; thus is he accoutred if he go 
b john Fisticankots, Ajax his son and heir, according to the pedigree drawn by Peter de qui, in his Catalogus Dunsor. joannens. lib. 2. Cap. 17.  but to my neighbour john's, he must have his movables about him. If he meet any man that will not give him the wall; catzo del diablo, slave, draw, or prepare thyself to kiss my pump, for the resarciation of mine honour. They never make any journey forth, but they either bring blows home, or leave some behind them. If one chance to kill his enemy, he feeds upon him immediately, for they eat raw flesh altogether, and drink warm blood, and this is the best esteemed fare.  
They have no laws, but all goes by might and main. He that is wronged, either revengeth his own wrong, or else he may go home sit him down, and so turn over the leaf & sing: All the rules they follow is but one and that is this, Conquer and possess.  
If you have any mind to revenge a wrong, to regain what was your own, or to take from another, you may call him to the field at any time, and he must come, or lose his estate. If any come to interrupt ye, and so begin a sedition all that remain unslain, are forthwith forfeited to furnish the Duke's shambles, which crafty law doth both suppress conspiracies, that were otherwise very likely to be daily practised upon the state, and also furnisheth the Duke's table in far greater abundance, and at far less charges. The chief seat of the Duke is called 
c Built just after the form of Tangir in Africa.  Fierce-fooliangir, a great city, but it is built only of woodworke, the Duke would not have it otherwise, that he might the better (upon just cause given) set iron fire, and so burn city and citizens when his pleasure is. It is inhabited with none but Tinkers, blacksmiths, & Butchers, in whose shops you shall as commonly see legs of men hang up, as here with us you shall find pestles of Pork, or legs of Veal. Through this city runs the river Furieuse, with a course like a torrent, which in winter they say will be exceeding hot (above your fountains in frost) and giveth up unwholesome fumes. Hard by it stands the Duke's Palace, on the top of an exceeding high hill, called Mount Scalp, and it is reported how it is grown to this height only by the multitude of dead men's heads that have been thrown on an heap continually in this place. The Duke's Palace is built of brick, very strong, yet liveth he in a continual suspect of his subjects loyalty, and had rather trust his own Iron gates, than their glassy obedience He hath a guard of 10000 
d Eps, ware, Things, and Welsh Davie, were whilom of his guard, as I was credibly informed by such as knew.  Hackster's, who are ministers both to his fury and gluttony. If any stranger come here, that knoweth not how all goeth, he is presently seized upon, & his head presented to the Duke for picking meat at supper, which he holdeth more delicate, and hunteth more after, than ever did Vitellius after the 
e Sueton in Vitelio.  Phoenicopters tongues, or Lampreyes' entrails. He likens a Negro to a Thrush, and a white man to a Quail; but such as die only to do his guts service, are far better used then the rest, for they (as 
f Diod. Sicul.  Olympias offered Eurydice) have their choice what way they will die, whether being hanged or beheaded.  
The most famous mount in all this Palace, is the Inquisition chapel, they call it Saint Shambles: dedicated unto the powers infernal, whose statues stand all therein, in horrible figures, wrought all with jeatt and Coral, and these do they offer their orisons unto. Here might you behold all the sorts of deaths and tortures possibly to be devised: Wheels, gibbets, Hatchets, Halters, Swords, Clubs, and rusty Pistols, so old, that I dare pass my word for the Chinians, they will confess that they had their first Guns from hence. A thousand Altars are in this Chapel, fuming with continual sacrifices to the Devil, and the Duke, offering the soul to appease the fury of the first, and the body to satiate the covetousness of the later; and for the blood, they have a certain Art to keep that from congelation, and so cask it up like Aligant, for the Dukes own wezand. Through the midst of this chapel runneth a channel called Nasty, and down that, they scour all the filth of the bloud-stained pavement.  
These men do never go, but run altogether, and generally you shall not miss to take them all on a sweat. But there are two strange things, and worthy observation in this country, the first is, you shall not find one man in this whole region, but he is either lame in body, or deformed in face: which the more scars that it bears, the more beauty it is held to add unto the bearer: and the second is, that a man of three score years old, is here held for a miracle. For it is more than extraordinary for any of them to attain to the middle age of man, they are fleshed so young.  
near to the heart of the country is a fen called Full-gall, as large and as famous as ever was the ancient Meotis, now called 
g Ortel. or 〈◊〉 della Ta●a: Bellonius ●●ch the Italians, it●ar ●ar Bianco. 〈◊〉 Scythia it is 〈◊〉 Ca●pa●●●, as Tzetz● 〈◊〉.  Mar delle Sabacche: The water of it is of a deep yellow to the eye, and most bitter to the taste: it overfloweth the bounds very often (but at no set times) and sometimes drowns the most part of Cholerikoye: that which it doth drown, the sulphurous nature of the water doth burn, as Phaeton's ill-guided wagon did the whole world: and at these times do all the inhabitants bottle up this water, imagining that being drunk it annimateth their spirits unto the most dangerous attempts. But here I would not have my reader too credulous, for I have this but by hearsay, by my faith sir I durst not go to see if it were true or no, I remembered that Frenchman's saying too well, Il faut menager la vie. This part of Fooliana was too dangerous a region for me to travel: I stayed at mine ease in Blockes-ford, and held it better to take this relation upon credence; then to confirm it with mine own experience.   

Fooliana the fond. CHAP. 6.  
THis part of Fooliana is both the largest and the most ancient of all the rest: the inhabitants of it affirm themselves to have been created in this country, before any other part of the world was peopled: so that is held the 
a Had not our first parent's 〈◊〉 fools, in 〈◊〉 not been 〈◊〉 but now it is.  mother of all nations, as Blocksford is of cities. It lieth in the very midst of all the rest, as the navel of this goodly body. On the South it hath Fooliana the craggy: on the East, the Fickle: on the West, the devout: and on the North, the Fat. The south part of it is called Cockscombaya, peopled with slothful & phlegmatic inhabitants; but the northern part thereof is possessed by more industrious and active spirits. Had I not beheld the strange behaviours of this stupid sort of people with mine eyes, I should never have believed that nature had bestowed so divine a gift as reason upon such brutish creatures. For all those that border upon Fooliana the craggy, go directly like beasts upon all four, nor do they know (silly things) any other way of going. There is no house in all this part of the country: because the inhabitants neither can build any themselves, nor dare adventure to come into any that are built by others, lest they should fall upon their heads. There are every year great multitudes of them starved, and stormed to death, in that they can neither make ready their meat, nor frame themselves apparel, nor beds: nay they can scarcely speak true sense: not a man of them that knows his own father, nor his own son, nor wife: nor how to return the same way he came: nor how to distinguish a Bear from a Sheep, or a Lion from a whelp. Nay you have of them that cannot tell whether they should put their meat in at their mouth, at the nostrils, at their ears, or at some other more unseasonable hold. finally, to be brief imagine but that you saw a Camane Ass in an humane shape, and such an one is a true Cockscombayan.  

Of Asse-sex. Sect. 2.  
ASse-sex 
a Assex in Fooliana is larger than our three sexes in England here, Essex, Middlesex & Suffix.  the Northern part of Fooliana the fond, is somewhat better furnished with wit, and worthier of a travelers presence and observation. The people hold themselves wonderful wise, and profess the search of natures most abstruse effects: never leaving till they have drawn one reason or other, from the very depth of investigation. They have but one eye a piece: They are not borne so, but the parents at the child's birth plucks out the other, as being of no use in nature, in that when the one eye is shut, the other hath a more strong faculty to discern. Part of this nation go all naked, to avoid the labour of putting on & off: part of them have houses, but with out either doors or walls, that the fresh air may have the freer access: part of them build nests like birds in the highest trees, both to be nearer heaven, and for their body's exercise in climbing up to them; every particular man of them hath both his peculiar opinion and profession. Ambition & desire of glory draweth diverse of them into most strange & incredible actions: you shall have some going up & down the streets on their heads & hands; & others flying about with wings made of wax & feathers, you would verily imagine that 
b The two winged brethren sons unto Boreas: they rid Phineus of the Harpies.  Zetus and Calain were come again from the dead, if you but beheld how boldly these fellows dare trust their wings with their necks.  
Others, like your Italian Mountebanks, draw the people together to see that effects of some rare unguento, distilled water, or some strange engine: others, out of the basest of metals, by a secret art (and that by St. Patrick a gainful one too) can draw the purest gold. But in faith it is worth the laughing at, to see the toilsome folly of these extractors: they are gulled, and gulled, and terrible gulled yet can they not find in their hearts to give over. A sort of them of late (as I was informed) would needs to the Oracle, to know the event of that weighty business they had in hand. The Oracle presently gave them this answer 
c Libavius sets down this rhyme of Alchemy. Alchymia est ars sine arte Cuius scire est parscum par●e, medium est strenue mentiri. Finis, 〈◊〉 dicatum 〈◊〉.  Travaillez that is, take pains. Pho, home come they as if they had gotten their God in a box: and forward they go with their circulations, their sublimations, their conjunctions, their fermentations, till all this headless action ended in putrefaction, until reputation and revenues were both dead and rotten.  

Ariost. Orland. Furios.  Thus each man seeks, to be an Alchemist  
Till all be gone, and he his number mist.  
Whereas indeed the oracle gave them better counsel than they could comprehend: Take pains, that is, 
A mattock and a spade will get you gold▪  
Sooner than Chemistry, a thousand fold.    

Of the Cities of Cockscombaya and Asse-sex, and of Blocs-foord, the metropolitan sea. Sect. 3.  
THE first City I light upon in this country was Hollow-pate, a town of good antiquity, and well contrived: but it affords no rarities, and therefore I leave it and pass on to Bable-dock, a corporation most worthily famous for the wisdom of the Aldermen. These men a little before my arrival, held a sitting upon this occasion. They sky was very cloudy, and rain was generally feared on all sides: the Mayor calls a bensh, and fell to consultation, how to dispel the feared shower.  
The first man's advise was to ring out all the bells of the town: another advised them to burn stinking savour in the open streets (as the Italian women do to drive away tempests): At length, the gravest Foolianders opinion was demanded, who arising, told them in plain terms, their policy was unavailable, and that the only quirk to fetch over this peremptory storm, was to suffer all the moisture to fall that those big faced clouds contained, and by that means (and by no other) the tempest would be so brave (seeming to have no resistance) that as Hannibal did at Capua, it would ruin itself or ever it were aware: was this an idle plot? no believe it: the whole bensh liked it and allowed it. Twitlecome twattes, wisdom is not sworn to sit in Europe only.  
The very Venus, 
The Author had this description from an experienced Geographer, or Fooliander.  the eye, the lustre of all cities terrestrial, is here seated: Civitas Angelorum? Why 'tis a very Petticoat Lane, a Pease-market hill to it: The name of it is Blocks-foorde: for site, it standeth partly upon a plashie plain, and part upon a little mountain: both of them lying in the descent, Northward: far from any wood, or any river.  
The upper part of the town serves the lower with snow water, and the lower doth the like for the upper with spring water, marry that is of john a Crags standing. There are in the whole circumference of the walls just sixteen gates, wherein (according to the intent of the founders) it exceeds all cities of the world, by four.  
The geometrical form thereof is neither circular, nor oval, but of a mean proportion between a Cylinder, 
Spell the meaning.  and a renuersed Pyramid, just like unto the portraiture of a man's body. What now? are your understandings unaquainted with such a geometrical draft as this? why than you are but Scioccoes, & never saw Belgia in the form of a Lion, Italy of a leg, Morea, of a plain tree leaf, Spain, of an Oxhide, the West Indies, of a fishes lungs, nor all Europe in the shape of an Empress. He that hath seen these, and shall but view this town (as he cannot lightly choose) must needs avow directly, that he beholds the lineaments either of some Colossus, laid all along, or else of Prometheus, as he lieth bound upon mount 
a So doth Thevet call Caucasus.  Adazar▪ The market place is on the hills top: for that it is the head of the city, and so administers life and sense to the residue.  
But (honest Reader) if thou consider but the toil that the poor porters endure by both horse and foot, whilst they lug up all necessaries, even hogsheads of bear and wine against the steep descent of the hill: Upon mine honest word I know not whether I should bid thee laugh or lie down: thou wouldest swear thou wert in hell, and saw an hundred Sisiphi at once, rolling so many restless stones. And when they are gotten half up the hill (nay by Saint Loye sir, perhaps almost to the top) with half an hogshead of sweat upon their quarters: then (beshrew that then, may they say) down comes another barrel, which having the upper ground, holds itself the better man, and lays all the poor men's labour in the dirt, and that not without endangering themselves.  
On this mountains top, the Magnificoes, and the whole Signora of the City have their habitations, to the end that the whole town may lie as a fitter object to their prospect: this, as I said, resembleth the head of the town: down from thence you descend a narrow which resembles the neck of this head, and this is inhabited only with sergeant, Beadles, Deputy-constables, and 
b Hangmen, and other executioners.  Derick-iastroes. From the lower end of this street, do two other extend themselves on either side, expressing the arms and hands in man's body, and these are peopled (but slenderly God he knows) with handicrafts men, but not over many handicrafts masters. The bulk of this fabric lies in a broader street, and here you have all your Inns, Alehouses, Taverns and Hosterians whatsoever, and these have houses down to the very loins, where (as mine author affirms, but I was never so far in the town) they keep the Bordello.  
Here indeed (saith he) dwell the Cockatrices, the Roffianaes', the Makquerells, & all those 
c This is a mataphor that needs no gloss.  ancient fish wives that sell Ruffs, Mackerel and Whiting-mops whatsoever; and than if you descend a little further, (all in one parish) you come into 
d A jakes farmer's burden in the night is called a Bride, as I have heard.  Bride-streete, and there have all the Scavingers, Scoure-Aiaxes, and eleven a clock Perfumers, tag and rag: this is called the Draffsack of the City: The legs and feet of the town are boxes to the Ragmans' Rolls of Porters and Panier-ists: and here your poor traveler is (now and then) full fain, to take up an hourly roost, be his penny never so good silver. I am seges est ubi Troia fuit. Swine-troughes and sepulchres are sometimes sworn acquaintance. But Parcius ista vivis. 
e Tamen obijcienda memento.   
The houses of this town (fair though it be) have none of them any foundation: for what allege they? had not we rather give honest burial to the harmless stones, then tear them out of their graves? hold ye content my friends, this is no laughing matter.  
The Magnificoes build their houses of a stately form, and a lofty: to be thereby the nearer to the sky, and the more elevate from this unrefined garb of terrestrial conversation. Their houses are all passingly well 
f Muro bianco carto di matto. A white wall is a fools book.  painted within, especially with the names of their ancestry, their guests, and acquaintance, gracefully delineate with coal and candle.   

Of the Burguemasters of Blosk-foord. Sect. 4.  
THE Grandunsonioes (for so the Burguemaisters will have themselves enstiled) of Blocks-foord, whilst I was there, held a Parliament about matter of state, in general and in special, about the securing, beautifiing, and advancing the weal-public of their City of Blocks-foord. Every one gave up his opinion, according to that which seemed to him most commodious. One would advise them to cut a convenient haven through the mountains (though it were some five hundred miles from the sea, a matter of small charge you know) for ships to traffic to the town by: he wanted no store of examples from other cities, whose glory stood wholly upon the riches they reaped by the sea.  
A second presently rises, and clearing his forehead from furrows, confutes all that ever the former had affirmed, showing withal, how dangerous a thing it was to repose any confidence in such an inconstant and unsatiate element: nor wanted he examples at full, of cities that lay buried in the seas devouring womb. Well, up rises a third: and he would have the rarest conduits made that ever were devised, and bring the water up in pipes from the valley to the hills top; a thing as possible, as could be thought upon, seeing that every man seeth the water in fountains to bubble up voluntarily, and strive upwards of the own accord, and wanting means to contain it to overflow the whole plain about it: and again, when the water runs down the kennel, do ye plainly, that one part drives another forward? as plain as day. Well, for all that, this will not fadge with the fancies of the bensh. Speak another: one doth so: and his speech tends to the raising of an high mountain about the city, for these subsequent uses.  
First that the whole world might not have notice of the actions of the Blocks-fordians, especially of the Grandunsonioes'. Second, that the city thereby might be more augmented and fortified. Third that there might be better avoidance of cold, by the warm seating of the City within so high a mount: and for the mount itself, those that dwelled below should dig it out of the valley, and lay it together. And then should there be abridge built from that unto the next mount, by which the city should be furnished with necessaries. But than steps up another, and smiling, asked how it were possible that a valley should bring forth a mountain, but to allow a possibility of that, to suffer a bridge to be built were mere indiscretion: for if a carriage, or a traveler should stumble or lose foote-hold thereon, there were no way in the world for you but death, yea and that (which is worse) with the breaking of a leg or an arm: no, as for my small experience in state affairs (quoth he) I would rather advise thus (grave Grandunsonians) to enterprise a matter which to effect is not laborious, and yet being effected, shall prove most glorious: so that being propounded, I know that the well-willers of the state cannot choose but approve it: and thus it is.  
Every man according to his ability and the size of his house, shall erect a spire upon the top thereof, and upon the top, of that, shall advance a Cock (vulgarly termed a weathercock) of brass, or silver, with a comb of gold, or Gold smith's work: and this shall be movable, to follow and express the changes of the wind: Now in every spire I would have a clock to strike hourly: which being once fully performed, O what pathetic spirit can express the reduplicate delight shall from hence redound both to the eye and the ear: to see such a bright fulgor of lofty spires, and to hear such a sweet clangor of harmonious bells. He had not shut his mouth, before the whole house opens, in acclamation to his project, so gravely, and statesman like propounded: And so they rose, to see it performed according to the intent of such a ponderous advise: So that he that shall in his travel hereafter, arrive at this City, shall find it in far more gorgeous estate than it was my hap to behold it in, let him assure himself of that, for I saw some of the broaches raised ere I departed.   

Of the Marquisate of Spendallezza. Sect. 5.  
near unto Blocks-foord lieth the Marquisate of Spendallezza, a country whilom most rich, and of ancient and honourable memory, but now 'tis quite gone down the wind: nor observed I any thing in it worthy observation but a forest called 
a Actaeon was eaten up by dogs, that is, he spent his estate upon them.  Actaeon's 
b Dogs, Dice, and Hawks, the three objects of prodigality.  Dogkennell, an eight square city, called Hey-dice, and an other little corporation called Haukes-peartch. The inhabitants are the only spenders under the moon: they do nothing in the word, but invent how to spend with the best garb: Some upon dogs, some upon hawks, or kites for a need: some upon a pair of ivory Cubes, or abunsh of speckled past-boards, and thus fly their patrimonies: and when all is gone but the clothes, farewell they also, the dise or the brokers are their ordinary cope-men; alas poor Gentlemen, what's a man but his pleasures? But whether this Marquisate belong to Fooliana the Fond or the Fat, that I cannot resolve ye in, who soever ought it of yore, at this day I am sure it is not in the hands of the old masters; It may be there have been some Lawyers, or some Usurers in this Country in times past, but now farewell they.  
When these new inhabitants have cast all their whole estate overboard, than they do either retire unto other men's tables; or else are maintained at the public charge. And here is that ancient model of Coal-harbour, bearing the name of The Brodigalls Promontory, and being as a Sanctuary unto bankrupt debtors: hither fly all they for refuge that are cast at law, or feel themselves insufficient to satisfy their deluded Creditors: any of whom, if they pursue their debtor hetheb, and force them from their protection whether they will or no, they are immediately accused as guilty of sacrilege and so are thrown head long from the higher tower in all the territory; and when they rise from their fall, can no way complain of any injustice, but have under gone the ancient law of the whole Marquisate.  
Those of this country that have any sons, assign them their full patrimony ere nature allow them any beard: and in case they die before this time, they leave all their estate unto their wives to dispose as they list afterwards, without any respect of progeny: But if they have the fortune to bury their wives, then do they lavish out more upon their funerals, than would serve for a dowry unto the foulest of their daughters.   

Sect. 6.  
Between this Marquisate and Fooliana the fat, lieth another nation called 
a Or flatter itan●a.  Clawback-ourt, peopled with the strangest monsters that ever man beheld. They bear every one 
b ●n one hood.  two faces, and speak with two tongues: carrying the shapes of 
c To soothe, and to backbite.  Apes upon their foremost parts, and all behind of Dogs: so that they seem to be a confused composition of Man, Ape, and Dog. That there are such monsters, let reverend Munster serve as a testimony, who describeth certain Indian people that are partly thus form.  
This Nation, it seems, is borne to servitude: the greatest part of them do make themselves voluntary slaves unto the Magnificoes of Fooliana the fat, which borders upon their country. And albeit they be so sottish, that of their own heads they can enterprise nothing praiseworthy: Yet can they imitate, and counterfeit any action they see done before them, the world has not the like, for forging such exact resemblances.  
They never wear attire, never speak word, never do deed, but they see or hear the like before they go about it. Whilst, I was there, they halted all upod one leg; and went spitting and spawling all the day long, because that signor Tickle-eare, their governor, of late had hurt his foot, and with all, was troubled with an old pocky Catarrh. They are most of them Barbers, Tailors, Panders, & procurers: There are also by report, some gallant courtiers amongst them: But how so ever, your Spanish Mimike is a mere ninnyhammer unto these Clawbakc-ourtiers, take them as generally as you can. Speak but, or look but upon one of them; and ye shall presently have him kiss his hand, cringe in the ham, lick his two yards of dust, and with a laborious Congee, like an Echo, bandy the last word you spoke, all the room about, and with an applauding fleer, return upon you with all the gracious terms his gorge can possibly vent; together with an whole Herald's office of Titles, and top-heavie Exellentiaes', and then putting his lips together with another Bascio dalli mani, stand hovering at your next speech, to hear how his last stood to your liking. Then do but you approve him, and talk on, and whatsoever you say (be it scarcely sense) shall into his tables, as a more than humane conceit; as a very oracle. Then will hee-stand with his eye fixed on the skies, and adore you (as a drunkard doth Bacchus) upon all four.  
They acknowledge no God but the man whom they make choice to serve, and him they observe with more prayers, sacrifices and adorations than any Idol would exact. Now all this they do with one of their mouths only: marry there is not a word comes out of this mouth, but the other, (their dogs mouth) doth forthwith secretly retract, and disclaim. And thus much for their conditions.  
The first City in this Region, is called 
d In English it is Praise●all.  Tutto-lodanie of fair and sight affecting structure: but so slightly built, that there is no hope it should continue: it is much enriched by the traffic which it hath by the means of the river of Fiction, and again, very much endamaged by the same river, through often and several inundations.  
near unto this town standeth a village, called Tongue-walke, the inhabitants whereof are never well but when they are talking. This village stands at the foot of a mountain that rises along as far as Tickling-streete, another famous borough, where the townsmen keep themselves continually employed in chase of laughters. Close unto this, lieth that pleasant valley called Soothing-dale, at the farther end whereof there is a Marish, called Scoffe-stowe Fen, which reacheth down along as far as Shame-stead, a town of infamous note: whether they use to banish all their Wizards, and all those whom they call 
c Bashful modesty is a foe to flattery.  Bashfull-apians.    

Of Fooliana the fat. CHAP. 7.  
THIS Region, compared either for wealth or pleasure with all the Regions of this Southern continent, exceeds them all: and were it as wealthy as it maketh show of, I make a great question whether the whole Northern world could find a country to parallel it: but indeed the people thereof do generally feign to have what they have not, and to amplify by their braves that which they have indeed.  
There is a double ledge of Mountains extended some sixty German miles in length on either side, between which lieth a plain, full as iong, and this is Fooliana the fat: through which, the river of Sound, a goodly current, hath his course, almost encircling the whole plain. The reader may soon conceive what a goodly rank of Cities are seated on the mountains sides, having the prospect over such a fertile plain, so delicately watered and divided into such a many cantons, all fraught with fat pastures, and spacious champions. The neatness of the Cities in this tract, excels their number; yet are they but of a slender manner of building, & though their outward forms promise all decorum, yet when you are within you shall not find overmuch good order.  
At the mouth of the passage through the Rhodomantadian Mountains, standeth the City Hydalgo, otherwise called 
a Like Madril in Spain.  Braggadrill: proudly built, but beggarly stated: and near unto this, is Back-bitembourg, a town that may be mother to the dirty streets of Paris. By this town is a Rock of incredible height, (and of as incredible note) called Break-neck-cliffe: not much different from the Peakes crag in England. It is as broad at the top as at the bottom: and yet so steep, that it beareth the former rather of a tower built by man's hand, than any mere work of nature. And this Rock is as famous for a place of execution here, as ever the Tarpeian cliff was in Rome.  
On the other side of this famous hill, hath the City of Bawdesden her seat: this town hath been oftener on fire then ever was old Rome: partly through the negligence of the Citizens, and partly through the aptness to take fire, that is in the Bitumen, which they use in their buildings in steed of Lime. Adjoining unto this is another City called Punkes-nest, built all of Flint, and the hardest Cement that can be devised. And then a little further in, towards the frontiers of Idle-bergh, lie those large mountains, commonly called Hollyday-Hills, where the people keep continual revels, and sit in judgement upon such as observe any working-days: two cities there are upon these hills, Gamesware and Merry-cum-twang: and on the East side of these two, the river of Sound falls into the river of Idle, making three or four Hands, Skip-free Isles the Inhabitants called them where the people's continual exercise is in dancing unto the sound of musical instruments.  

The quality and condition of the people. Sect. 2.  
EVery particular man in this Country, avouches himself at lest a Gentleman borne: and most of them are able to show a pedigree of ten thousand years long before ever the world was created. You shall have them show ye large galleries all drawn with their lineal and colaterall descents, and yet when all comes to all, their neighbours are able to prove, that they had Cobblers, carters, or costermongers to their Grandfathers. Nor is there any of their more select Gentility, but hath his country Farms, three or four, leased out unto his Viliacoes, his retainers, and those are commonly Clawback-courtiers.  
The 
a Quasi senza load, unworthy of praise.  Sennaladij, their best sort of Gentlemen, do content themselves with the poorest fare that ever attended a fasting day: yet some of them perhaps at the years end, will make a feast, which for excess of preparation, and multitude of guests, will give an end to the bidders whole revenues: but all the year after he will so defraud his barking stomach, that many of them (I assure you it is true,) do destroy themselves through mere hunger. Others of them let the guts groan never so loud, never respect the belly, but clap all they can scrape upon the back: yet will they neither acknowledge nor confess their defect of belly-timber, but quite contrary, wheresoever you meet them about dinner time, you shall have them go brushing of their beards, and picking of their teeth; as if they were newly come from the death of an whole deluge of several dishes. There is none of them hath so much either money or land, as his cloak and sword would purchase; nor any of them that keeps not above an hundred 
b Mangeguadagnos: so the Italians call their servants.  Munch-gaines, (for so they call their servants) yet have they nothing in the world but they pay interest for it (no man will lend them a quatrine upon their credits) in so much that I have known diverse of them hire their apparel at the Brokeria, only for four and twenty hours. Nay I knew one of them build his horse a stable fitter for a King's horse than his: adorning it with farre-fetched Marble, nay and enchasing the walls and pillars with ivory, and he himself mean while fat warming of his heels in a poor little, straw-thatched cottage.  
They give themselves 
c As he did who demanding lodging at a mean Inn, and being asked what he was: Our name quoth he is Hernando Gonzales Ri●adeneira de Toledo. By my troth sir (quoth the Hostess) we have not beds enough for so many.  tedious long names, and delight unmeasurably to have their country and their alliance mentioned in their styles, adding such compositions, and reduplications unto their prolix titles, that to recite them with one breath is a thing directly impossible Ostrich feathers are dear with them, as Rushian furs are with us. Some of them use to hang silver bells at their heels, by the noise whereof they may attract the people's eyes upon their graceful carriage as they pass the streets.  
Those few of them that cannot deny their births to be base, are nevertheless of as haughty spirits as the rest. I remember I read this distich over one of their doors.  
Misero quello, chi di persona vile,  
Nasce di cor magnanimoe gentile!  
O wretched he, that having had his birth  
From a brave spirit, basely affecteth earth!  
One thing I marveled at above all the rest, as I lawfully might: There are few of this nation that live by meat, or by drink, but altogether upon the fume of a certain herb; which they take in smoke at their mouths, and give it out at their noses, resembling the fumes of so many Brewer's attorneys. I know not certainly whether they had this from the Indians, or the Indians from them. I● is reported, that one Rollo Warallador, an ungodly fellow of this country (though one of good place) was taught the invention of this wicked vapour by an Indian devil: yet some affirm that the Indians of the Torrid Zone invented the same to make themselves black within, disliking utterly to have their inner parts of one colour, and their outward of another. But this I am sure of once, that though it fill the nostrils, it empties the coffers, or that many good patrimonies have by this means gone in snuff out of their owner's noses: that smoked so long in fume, till all the sat was in the fire, and all the fire out of the kitchen.  
In all the Cities, especially in Baudesden and Punkes-nest, every other house keeps sale Trugs or Ganymedes, all which pay a yearly stipend for the licence they have to trade. It is very lawful to deal with these upon any conditions you can make with them; it is no shame for a man to salute his Cockatrice, (I and to do more too, to kiss her) in the very market place, yea even before his wife; nay you shall have some of them will make their wives observe their humours with all serviceable attendance.   

The Paradise of Fooliana the Fat. Sect. 3.  
THere is not in all Fooliana, (no nor I doubt in the whole world) so rare and stupendious a monument, as is the Paradise of Fooliana the fat: a work worthy all admiration, it is worthy both the toil & the cost of all travelers, but once to behold it. You shall a far of, behold a shining mountain, all of pure gold (for so it is, or so it seems, and that's as good) framed (as it is reported) in old time by art Chemical: yet if any one come to try the goodness of the metal by instrument, it falls all into dust; if by fire it ascends all in smoke. On the top of this mountain there standeth a castle all of Crystal; not wrought by any art of human power, say the inhabitants: but the Goddess 
a Fortuna favet fatuis, is not so old as true.  Fortune, being (upon some distaste given unto the court of the gods) banished from heaven, set up her rest here, and built this as a second, and terrestrial heaven. And from hence she spreads her goodness through the world: here she sits giving all abundance that the most credulous servant she hath, can possibly expect: nay be his expectation constant, he cannot choose but obtain it. Hither do men and women flock, from all the nations of the earth, but especially from Fooliana the devout: there is not one (almost) high or low, in the whole world, but hath seen this mount and ascended it. Men talk of Our Lady of Loretto, Saint james of Compostella, our Lady of Walsingham, Hall, and Sichem, they are desert and desolate places in respect of this: here the pilgrims lie prostrate in the valley, in devout expectation of the Goddesses call, as thick as ever hailstones lay in high ways after a frosty storm: nor may any man living approach the ascent of the hill, until such time as the priests of the castle do hang out the white banner, & that is a sign that the Goddess is pleased they shall ascend: and then they cry all with one voice, making the skies rebound again, 
b The Italians cry so, unuailing of the picture of our Lady of Lore●to.  Madonna Scoperta, and then run that run may, one over another, every one crying out of the straightness of the passage up. Nor will the worst man there give place to the best, so that sometimes you shall have them scold one with another, like so many inhabitants of Ram-Alley: and sometimes to it by th'ears, with dry blows, every one in the company thrusting on him that is before him, & flouting them that are behind. here did I see certain of them that durst not venture upon the crowd, grown even hoary with expectation, and yet had not means to get up the hill. But what do they that get up? faith, desire to have, called them together, & hope holds them together, each one praying that it would be the Goddesses pleasure to grant him his desires▪  
You shall have one praying for the attainment of his wayward love: another, only that it would please Fortune to send him a wife that were no shrew: a third for honours, & a fourth for riches, every man as he likes, and there ye shall have twenty praying for uncles deaths, & as many for the burial of thus many church men, that he may pass from reversion to possession of this or that fat benefice. There sat one kinglike fellow at the gate & he (they said) sued for the next monarchy: & by him sat a crew of ill-faced wenches, & their suit was for beauty: there was an old wife also, with as many oak trees in her mouth as teeth, & she expected to be restored to her youth again, & a many more suitors (you must think) than I could take note of. Now the sign of admission being given (as I said) up the hill go all that can go, not on their feet (for that were sacrilege) but upon hands and knees, & with great reverence I warrant ye. Being gotten to the midway, one of the priest intertains them courteously & inquires every particular man's name and country, which when he heareth, he proclaimeth it with as loud a voice as ever had 
a A fellow in Homer 〈◊〉 had a voice aloud as fifty men's.  Stentor, partly to give notice unto his fellows, and the Goddess herself, what guests were arrived, & partly by this means enquiring the deity of them, to know ere they come any nearer, whether they come with the faith and purity which is required: for if you come guilty of any heavy crimes, she hangs out her red banner, in sign that you must be removed into the cloisters, where he must be kept till he be able to salute her with a purer soul and pass the residue of the journey with a lighter purse. But if the goddess like you at first, the Priest gives you a leaden token, & so lets you pass: marry withal he speaks these 3. words in your ear ere you pass; Believe, Expect and Hope: and so God buoy. On go you as cheerful as a Pie, until you come at an Iron threshold, a little below the steps that ascend to the Castle gate: upon which Iron this distich is written: 

Sannazer.  Fortunam si avidè vorare pergas,  
Illam ut male concoquas necesse est.  
Who swalloweth Fortune ere he chew it,  
Through ill digestion needs must rue it.   
The Castle gates are kept by a rigorous porter: yet money will make him do any thing: the entry is so narrow, that it seems to be rather an hole than a gate: but after you are crept once in, then shall you see an house more like an heavenly habitation than an earthly. All pearl & gold, whose lustre dazzles the eye to look upon it, and whose external view promiseth no less than the height of happiness, I omit to speak of the form of the temple, the priests habits, orders & offiees: these, for brevities sake, I wittingly overpass. At length when you have viewed all (for you must needs bestow a little time to gaze upon this pile of admiration) comes another of the Flamines to you, and taking you by the hand (having first blindfolded you with a linen cloth) he leads you through a hundred turnings, indeed whether he lists, but as fond men believe, into the temple of this good Goddess, whom mortal eyes must not behold, and therefore are you muffled. Well, now you must couch, and kiss the sacred pavement: and lie so without once moving, until the Goddess call you by your name, and, then ask boldly what you list: do but effect what she commands without delay, or distrust, and were your request never so hard, it should be fulfilled. Well, but what end of all this ceremonious observation, say you? By my troth a ridiculous one, able to move the gentlest spleen alive. They are all singularly, and ingeniously cony-catched, men and women, rarely fetched over, and with arts Quintessence: and yet for all that, this art is so secret, that though no man pass this trial, that is not made an Ass, yet every one had rather blame his own slothfulness or incredulity, then once glance at any imperfection in the power of the Goddess. Well, having propounded your petition, (suppose it be honour) the Goddess assents to it, most graciously, commanding the suppliant, first after some hours, to take the holy potion, whereby his spirit may be the better adopted unto the ensuing felicity: and then, to lay him down again until she called him the second time: which if he do but duly observe, he shall assuredly be crowned with his full wishes, to continue installed in happiness for ever: and to have ever the same cause to be grateful unto the Goddess for her heavenly beneficence.  
It passeth; the suppliant taketh the cup and drinks it off: praising to his own thoughts the drinks delicious taste, being utterly ignorant that it is only a potion made of poppy, opium, lettuce, and other such procurers of sleep: but the effect is the trial; he has not been an hour after he hath taken it, but down lies he in a sleep, ye may turn the house out at the window, (if ye can) and never awake him: and then is he haled up and down the palace like a dead carcase by the buriers, and when they have laughed at him till they be a weary, they lay him in a rich bed, in a Chamber like a Kings, all seeled with ivory, and arched with golden pillars, all the Tables spread with coverings, the Arras of Campania, and the tapistry of Alexandria are but sacke-cloath to them.  
And about the door stands a company of attendants, each in his gold-chaine at least, and all courtier-like accoutred, expecting when this 
b The Mi●on of the Moon▪ he slept 40. years together ere ever he awaked.  Endymion junior will awake, (which is commonly some three days after,) who lifting up his head, beeholdes all the room with amazement, (as he well may) and seeing all this fair company of shining attendance, is wholly transformed with wonders: Whilst they in the meantime approach all in order with a ceremonious reverence to salute the awaked King: Health and happy days to thy Sacred Majesty, great King. King thinks he? mass this is brave. What apparel will it please your Majesty to wear to day? your suit of Goldsmith's work, your suit of tissue embroidered with Rubies, your cloth of gold doublet with the Carbuncle buttons, or your Pearl powdered cassock? I? tissues, Rubies, Carbuncles, cassocks? Heyda! my man's an Endymion indeed now, and will not change states with the man in the moon, he, for all his fulgid throne he sits in. Well, rich clothes are brought him indeed, every man helps this brave King, and as one says.  Dant digitis gemmas, daunt long monilia collo: 
His hands with sparkling gems they deck  
And hang rich chains about his neck.  
Set a diadem upon his head adorned with Pearls of incredible greatness and lustree. All this goes well still, thinks he to himself: 
c 'Tis time poor king, for thou hast eaten no meat this three days.  Get dinner ready. So said, so done: dinner was prepared, and served up, all in state, such rarity of services, such brave attendants such mirth and such melody! Pho, nineteen muses cannot give a man words to describe it. And thus they spend the whole day, as time, ye know, will pass. Still my fine King thinks all his own, still. Well, night comes, up with supper, and up supper comes, with as rich, nay richer purveyance & attendance then waited on the dinner: and for a conclusion to the feast, my majestical King has the other draft given him of the holy potion, which presently locks up his senses in sleep as profound as the former: And then my poor twelue-houres King, being as Virgil says  jam simul expletus dapibus, vinoque sepultus, Gorgd with good cheer and wrapped in sleepy wine. 
Is carried out at a postern, stripped out of his tissues, his Rubies, and all his goldsmiths work, and reinvested in his old clothes, (made somewhat more sluttish than they were before) and so laid out in the high way, for passengers to gaze upon: where when he awakes, he falls into as great amazement as before; and remembering how glorious a bliss he was enthroned in but yesterday, and finding himself now utterly deprived of all, 
d Heu quò decidimus.  he falls a lamenting most extremely, miserably deploring, and bitterly cursing either his own sloth, that would not give ear (as she had charged him) to the Goddesses second call: or his gross ingratitude, who being placed in so high a felicity, neglected to pay the good goddess her due tribute of thankfulness. So away goes he weeping and wailing with this word continually in his mouth, Fuimus, Troes! I was whilom a brave man,! And exhorting all men to take example by him, never to be negligent, never thankless, but to proceed with heed, and confidence, and obey what the goddess enjoined, and then they could not fail of felicity. Such had I once (saith he) but now, by mine own only folly, I have lost it all, every part and parcel of my former greatness. Now every one that heareth him, thinks this; I hope to take better heed than so; and they hoodwink themselves ere ever they come there.    

Of Fooliana the Devout. CHAP. 8.  
Upon the western and part of the two Foolianaes', the Fat, and the Fond, lieth Fooliana the Devout, a region fertile enough of itself, but through the inhabitants negligence, altogether uncultured. For whereas it is divided into two Provinces, Trust-fablia, and Sectaryvoa, (the former being far the larger of the two) yet is it so wholly given over to a sort of rotten Ceremonies, that the Inhabitants thereof are all of this opinion, that one cannot do God better service then in the utter neglect of themselves. There are good store of pretty Hamblets in this province; there is Fragment, surnamed the mouldy, wonders-field, and within a little of them, Crepe-ham high cross, Cringing-beck; and kissing-all-up.  
The borders of this nation are very deserts to speak of, and have scarcely any inhabitants: some of the villages (for some villages there are, but very few) as Lentestow right-maw, Pilgrims Inn, and Scourge-nock, are left almost utterly desolate, but that they are once a year (at a set day) visited by some Venetians; otherwise their thresholds are worn by none but their own countrymen.  
And here I may not ommit one memorable work, erected upon mount Bagnacavallo; it is a goodly, well contrived spittle, both for largeness, and full furniture: it beareth the name of the Hospital of incurable Foolianders, and was built at the public charge of the whole country, and thereupon is maintained. The Proctor of it, at my being there, was one 
a Thus was he borne that wrote the Hospital of incurable fools.  Garzoni, an Italian, a man of good providence and discretion, and truly he hath disposed the almesmen in passing good method and in decent order. Hither have divers colonies been sent out of all parts of Fooliana.  
But for a truth the number of the monasteries in this country, do very near exceed the number of the villages: besides which, there is nothing but scurvy sheds, worse than any Westphalian Inn: nor is there any freeholder left in all this country: the Cloisters have got up all the lands every straw-bredth, to make the deities the better cheer. Four sorts of buildings did I observe in this soil: Temples, Monasteries, Hospitals and Cottages: for all those that are not professed cloisterers, are either slaves or beggars. They are all of one religion, marry they cannot tell of what: but profess ignorance, and neglect inquiry, it is enough for them to follow their forefathers, and to hold the places whilom belonging to Saints, that is all they care for. In their pace they make continual crosses; one thigh coming thwart another at every step, and so makes the form of a cross at every foot of ground they pass: And so likewise do they carry their arms, folded in cross-like manner, as if they were all in loves Melancholy. They have goodly Temples, yet down upon their knees will they go in the plain fields, if they spy but any antic face upon a stone, or an old log, or so: and then their beads (which they bear upon strings) must needs rattle some two and fifty times over. There is more Gods belongs to this country, than there is men. Varroes' number of the Roman gods was but half an unite in respect of those. They make them of stone, wood and lome: and some of them augment their deities number, with adoration of horses, hogs, and hounds. Every day gives life unto a new deity: and sometimes ye shall reckon two hundred, made in one Temple upon one day. And here we find the old Egyptian custom received, that men, whilst they live, are nought set by, but dying, they are entombed in honourable sepulture. 800. pounds have I seen bestowed at one funeral, and none of the greatest man's neither. In this land will I lay my bones, and I do here by will and testament, charge mine heirs to see me here entombed: and pray that all those that do either condemn or commend this my description, beyond the desert, be sent as mourners to accompany my corpse to the grave, as likewise all such that shall hereafter be guilty of imitation thereof. But let us forward with it.  
At those objects, besides the tapers, incenses, bells, and babbles that attend the body, as beneficial unto the soul; there are two select persons bound by the law to attend the body all the way with two black silk fans, to drive away the flies from it, be it in winter when the flies are all dead, and the carcase not a fart the sweeter, all's one for that, law is law, and must be allowed.  
These Foolianders never touch any thing, be it Water, Oil, salt, Wax, or Iron, unless it be first exorcized, and the devil driven out of every corner of it.  
They hollow gilded roses, with great follemnity, as they do also in baptizing of their bells, and ensigns. But here is the rarest miracle that ever nature saw or man heard of. In Wonders-field there is not a stone, but can hear, weep, laugh, move, cure diseases, sweat blood, and do all that ever was done by the Semones, the Daemons, or all the black guard whatsoever.  

Sectariova, the second Province of Fooliana the Devout. Sect. 2.  
THe other part of Fooliana the Devout, Sectariova, is a county of much variety, but little delight: Every village, every house has his peculiar fashion, quite different from the rest. Nor did I ever see, in all my travels such a multitude of unruined monuments, as I saw here. Here was Saturnietta, & the seven Pyramids (somewhat ruined) which the citizens of this state built 
a This was the Saturnians opinion.  in memory of the 7. Angels that made the world against God's will: then was there 
b The Basilidians held that there were 265. heavens, according to the number of the letters contained in the word 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉  Abraxia, the Basilidians seat; wherein there were but just 365. houses, the townsmen being forbidden by an ancient law, either to increase their number, or diminish it. Near to this, stands 
c They were called Gnostikes, that is, muddy, for the falthinesse of the mysteries, and so were the Carpocratians called: Iren. l. 1. c. 24.  Gnostico, wherein there are 30. old weather worn statues, standing all hand in hand: whereof there are eight larger than the rest, all marked with Hebrew characters. Not far from thence is a desert somewhat woody wherein the 
d Iren. in ep. ad Eus●b. These held th●t they might deny, their faith in persecution. Hieron.  Elcesaites or Eb●onites had their mansions a long time: and here did I see some of the ruined altars whereon they had been forced to offer sacrifice unto Idols. On the left hand were the tombs of the 
f They had a new manner of redeeming their dead with oil, balsam, water.  Heracleo nitikes, all moistened with oil and balsam. And on the right hand was the 
g They held that Christ was that serpent that deceived. Eva and kept a snake which came forth at Priests incantations, licken of the offering & then returned to his hold.  Oxhites valley, where the Sacred Serpent had his cave, before which there stood an Altar upon the which their charms forced him now and then to show himself. Hard by were the caves of the Caianists, (and that is hard by hell they say) and here they kept Cain's Bat, and judas his halter, as holy and reverend relics. Upon the bank of the river Higri, you shall find the 
h These would drink no wine, but held it to be brought forth by Satan and the earth August de Heres.  Severians dish hung up by a chain at a pillar, the dish out of which those obstinate men did whilom drink their water.  
By this river also are the 
i They held marriage to be as bad as fornication, & therefore used little beds and less tables for they eat no flesh. Aug. ibid.  Tacians, little cabins, and lesser tables, and here and there by the 
k They pricked little infants with knives and of the blood and meal, they made themselves communion cakes. Aug. ib.  Montanists fatal cakes, all scattered about: Here also are to be seen the 
l They held it good service unto God to geld both themselves and strangers  valesians' pumy stones, the 
m They affirmed that all plants had sense, and therefore they would never cut up any thorns or briars, etc.  Manichees thorny gardens, the 
n These did very continually, it was incredible (saith August.) to hear them, they were also called Euchites.  Psallians oratory's, the 
o Those held that the devil ereated the flesh: and therefore they did so hate it, that many of them killed themselves.  Patricians gallows, the 
p Who called themselves new vessels filled with new wine, and bore a barrel about, in their Bacchanals.  Ascites vassals, the 
q So called of 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 and 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉: they stopped their mouths & noles with their fingers, and so professed silence. Aug. calleth them Dac●ylorenchites.  Patrolorinchites statues of Silence, the 
r They offered water in the sacrament, instead of wine.  Aquarians cups, and all the monuments of antic heresies.  
But of all those glorious buildings of antiquity, 
s This fellow held that all heresies were true doctrine Philaster.  Rhetorius his palace doth justly deserve the prick and praise: it beareth the fashion of all the other, and yet seems nevertheless to have a particular one of the own.  
There are standing yet some of the 
t They never used their wives carnally, and yet would not live without them, so that they made w●●ing choice of their neighbour's children to inherit their estates. Aug. ibi.  Abelians walls, those that continually adopted other men's Children, and used to glory of the pedigrees and statues of such as were none of their own fathers.  
Here is one new city, built by acouple of damned vagabonds, 
u The two founders of Anabaptism, or the Family of love.  Henry Nicholas, and David George: and here also have certain 
x Certain English Brownists, exiled into Virginia.  Virginian exiles laid a plot for to erect themselves a body politic. O all you earthly Potentates, that know the contagious nature of heresy, and love to have your states secured from so dangerous an infection, banish those damnable perturbers of holy peace, unto this country, and let them take up their stations here where they can do no great mischief.    

The state politic of Fooliana, in general. CHAP. 9  
THe cities of this whole land are either under an Aristocratical government, or a democratical. The people choose as many Burguemaisters as they think good of: and these must rule, but neither for their year, nor their lives, but even while the people please. If any man of them give any proof of somewhat more sound judgement then the rest, he is presently put out of office, and banished by Ostracisme●. But all these Provinces do acknowledge one Grand superior, & do fealty to one chief Prince, whose name when I was in those parts, was Ill Buffonio Ottimo Massimo. His palace is in Fooliana the Fat, near unto the Devout, and bears the 
a The chamber where the pope is elected.  name of Papagalli. He is as it were a compound of an Emperor and a Priest, wearing a crown upon a mitre, or a mitre in a crown. There is ever borne before him a key and a sword, the ancient emblems of riches & Power. His Key showeth that all the Foolianders coffers are at his command: his sword, that he may at his own pleasure both take from others, and defend his own. All that come into his presence must kiss his foot, by an ancient custom, begun at first by certain Kings (long ago) that were troubled with sores and apostemes on their hands. He is not borne but chosen to this dignity, yet not before he be very old, lest the people should be a weary of him (as they are wondrous prone to innovation) ere he were a weary of life. Before Saint Sapa's chapel are two seats of Porphiry, wherein he that is to be elected must pass a trial of his Rems and his Res, ere he be installed. He seldom rides but upon men's shoulders, to show that men in respect of him are but as beasts in respect of men. He sits always, and goeth abroad always under a canopy: tush, these are things that others may do also as well as he: let us here some of his singularities, beyond all others you shall. He never asks penny tribute of any subject he hath, but what they give willingly, he takes thankfully and spends freely. He decrees nothing against the consent of the meanest counsellor in his state. He makes no laws, nor keeps any: nor doth he promulgate any decree of continuance, but once within two years it is quite out of use. He useth his servants, (yea even his slaves) with much familiarity, and when he list can lift them up above the best man in his court. He allows his Parasites to do even what themselves think good, to break laws, to counterfeit coins, or to disperse money stamped with their own names and faces. I might have learned much more matter in this court worthy observation, but that I do not love of all things in the world, to tarry in court longer than needs must: No, I was never good courtier, nor (I hope) ever shall be.   
Finis lib. 3.   

The fourth Book.  
The description of Theeve-ingen.  

CHAP. 1. Of the situation thereof.  
Theevingen 
a A word compounded of Theve, in English, and Ingenium in Latin.  is bounded on the West with the strait of Magellanus, and on the East, with Fooliana the devout & part of Tenter-belly. It is a soil so utterly void of fertility (excepting one little country that Pluto might rather seem to have stolen Ceres' daughter from hence then from Sicily. Nor shepherd, nor husbandman shall ye find here, would ye seek your heart out: yet is it not strange that this barren country should nevertheless have such abundance of all necessaries, may and superfluities also, that it may challenge all the world in a prize of wealth, and (as far as their natural fierceness permitteth) of delicacy too? Take it from me (quoth Hieremy Ratcliff) they may; there is no rariety, nor excellent thing of worth in all the world, but they will have it, by hook or by crook, and if they once get it, ye shall sooner get a fart from a dead man, then fetch it back out of their clutches. The Eastern part is enriched by the spoils of the two Fooliana's, the Fat, and the Devout: the Western, by the treasures of India, together with the Spaniards, Caricks and 
b As the Spaniard called one of their great Caricks, which si● Francis Drake took. Her name (quoth he) was Caca fuego shitefire before, but now she may be called Caca plata, that is, shite-siluer.  Cacaplataes, for they are the notablest Pirates of the whole terrestrial Globe. Assambeg of Alexandria, Barbarossa, Captain Warde, and Yagup Hemskerk; tush these were all mere Adalantadoes of Herring-boates, in respect of the Piratical spirits this climate affords: I say it and I will stand unto it.  
The whole country is divided into two Signiories: 
c As there are two species of this trade, the every and cozenage  Robberswaldt and Lieger demain: the first of which butts upon Fooliana and an angle of Tenter-belly: the latter lieth more West, and (against all custom of the other Theevingers, the wandering Robber swalders) keeps itself in the own bounds: but both of them are barbarous and utterly inhospitable.   

The conditions of the Robberswalders. CHAP. 2.  
RObberswaldt is divided from the two Foolianaes', by the Fens, usually called Filtching-fennes, wherein there are more islands, or full as many, as is in the river Rawley of Guiana, made by the turnings of the water. The whole region is so woody and mountainous, that it seems rather a desert than a place inhabited: and (as Strabo saith of a city in the world) is to be held fitter for rebellion then habitation. Their 
a Of this language there is an excellent exact discovery made in Thomas decker's Belman, but in his Lantern and candlelight, he hath outstripped all the world for variety of knowledge in Canting.  language is very crabbed, I could not possibly learn it; only I observed some Welsh words, taught them as it seems by some ancient travelers of our Western Britons. This Signiory is indifferent well peopled, but under no form of rule: each man holds himself borne only for himself, and so liveth obeying and respecting himself only. What he can bereave another of (by any violence whatsoever) is forthwith his own, as good and lawful prize: and the more powerful he grows, the more he is feared, and is attended by the more undersharkers that are his followers: they live all in certain families, all which give due obedience to the father of the household and every one forbears his own blood, and robs where he can beside, freely & without control Both the Fooliana's had by these sharkers been long since eaten up, but that the inhabitants are fain to pay yearly a great sum of money, for their protection all the year after. This ransom (for a kind of ransom it is) is paid by the principals of Fooliana, unto the chief householders of Robberswaldt.  
In bodily shape they are like unto us, saving that all but the Islanders, have claws upon their hands instead of nails: and this is not only natural unto all the Robberswalders, but even to the Lieger dumanists also. Upon the mountains of this soil there breedeth a kind of people called the Sbanditi, and these are especial keepers of Booty-forrest (a frith so called) which is of that breadth, that that same High Dutch Hercynian Sherewood, put Schwarizwaldt, Odenwaldt, Steigerwaldt, Westerwaldt, Behemerwaldt, waldt quoth you? nay put all the waldts, welts and guards in Europe to it: I tell ye, let one word suffice, they all make but a days journey for an Irish Louse, (be she never so speedy) if you measure it with this.  
No, I will be as good as my word, and justify, that if Hercynia keep ten thousand thieves (as lightly it doth always,) Booty-forrest shall keep a thousand thousand: Baw waw! Hercynia? why 'tis a blanket for a Cat, a petty Cock-pitte, nay a very Tobaccoboxe in respect of Booty-forrest.  
In this country, you shall not find any man of state but he keeps a fort: yes verily, all garrison soldiers: neither are their fortresses any way beautiful, but they are most judiciously contrived, both for defence and purveyance: and here, they that live within keep all that they purloin without (and that is no small prize) maugre the beard of haughty Zulzemin. No, they are no Shitilecocks! what they have they'll hold, they are in place, & what's a man's place if he make no use of it? Now in the mean while the poor commonalty untruss their states and their Port-manuels under trees, and lay their noddles close to the stump of some ancient Oak; Sic fuit ab initio (quoth the Gentleman to the Chandler's son) so did your forefathers (my masters) be you never so top-heavie now, and so do these honest lads, these true Tartarians, that never keep one mansion eight and forty hours. But alas! would this were all: but I must needs go on. These plain seeming Villiacoes delight in nothing but to lie in wait to make prize of poor passengers, and when they catch them, they strip them stark naked: they will not leave them a tatter to serve for a curtain to the world's propagatour; yet will they not murder, as the damned, soulless, fiend-bred, hellborn Italian thieves do, & those dirty, gut-swolne, toad-sprung Germans, (they have no cause indeed, for their fact is not liable to the law) but him that they unhuske, they do presently bind, and carry in state unto their Duke's court, unto whom he must swear perpetual obedience and loyalty: which if he break either in running his country, or in omitting to practise Pourloynerie once or twice in a month, he is forthwith condemned to commence at 
b Tyburn was built for him, as some say.  Doctor Stories cap: trusted he shall be no more, but once trust up for all: this law maketh them marvelous mighty: and again, the Legerdumanists of late enacted this decree, That no younger brother shall have any share in the father's land, and this law hath added a great multitude of voluntaries unto Robberswaldt, as cannot but appear to the politic, and him that can ponder it. The devout Foolianders (as I said before) love crosses: well they cannot love them so much as these hate them. So that though their tribute assure them quiet at home, yet if they be overtaken in Robberswaldt, farewell Fooliander, up they go as round as a jugglers box: and the only cause is, they use to mock the Robberswalders, by making jybbets at them with their fingers.  
The main householders are continually at dissension and civil wars amongst themselves, about injurious booties, forced from one another: and by my faith sir, the whole world fares the better by it: for should these rogish improovers once lay their heads together against our world, we might put up our pipes, the case is beshitt, and go cast our caps at the Moon, for any state that we should hold long: O sir, understand me, the case is plain, we were sure of ruin I grant ye that: and so were all that could not stand in defence against them: but the wiser sort of themselves prevent that, by nuzzling private dissensions at home.  
It is a great commendation of towardness in their children (as 
c De bello Galiico. lib. 6.  Caesar said of the Germans) to be cunning filtchers, in their young years: for this art they teach them even from their infancies, in precepts which they call Hermetical: ye shall have the little theevelings, even while they suck their mother's breasts, to steal needles & pence from out of their purses: but if they either overshoote themselves, & be taken in the manner, by being either too slow handed, or too boisterous, up goes their bums incontinent: Now as they grow to years, so must they augment their practice, by stealing of Geese, Ducks, or any such like provant: nor doth any day pass them wherein they do not increase their stock by one lift or other. If their plot chance to have any dangerous induction about it, then do they content themselves with 
d As the Welsh man stole Rushes, only to keep his hand in ure.  stealing a clod from your neighbours land, or a stake from his hedge, lest their hands should grow out of use: this is the ordinary practice of the borderers of Liegerdumaine: between it & Robberswaldt lieth a large heath called (e) Lyers-buy plain, of which you shall hear more hereafter, when we have passed the maritimal coasts of Robberswalat.   

The Pirates, and sea-borderers of Robberswaldt. CHAP. 3.  
THese Pirates disperse themselves all along the shores of Magellanus his strait, on the banks of Theevingen, and in the Isles of Filtching-fennes. Now they know that no ship that passeth the strait can possibly return back, the current is so swift, and therefore they stop the passage with chains and shallops, and so make prize of all that should pass: whereby they that go this voyage, do seldom or never return, more by reason of the multitude of these Pirates, then the strength of the opposed stream. Europe affords not any seaman that knows his bays, creeks, tides, shelves, rocks and channels better than these do generally: besides that they swim as nimbly and as perfectly as the fishes themselves do. Their chief haven is called 
a Not Dun kirk.  Kirk-dun, a town of no great strength, nor compass: but fraught with as hardy Pirates as Christendom affords, and with as great store of stolen riches. It is situate in that angle of Robberswaldt that lieth just upon the head of Filtching-fennes, over-against a part of Tenter-belly. The shores hereabouts, as it is reported, are allledged with Rocks of the Loadstone, which draw the ships unto these coasts, that are an incredible distance off, and here they hold them. But the Kirk-duners that sail out into the main, and fetch in the merchants, they get the cash. And strange it is to see how many purchases their bold valour hath borne from strengths sometimes trebbling theirs: some ascribe this unto the Magical Ensigns they have from Fooliana, let the reader choose whether he will believe them or no. The cities arms, is the vulture, that feeds as she flies: the word, Fruor nec quiesco: rich and yet restless: Mantled, Geules; doubled, ermines.  
A little within the mouth of the river Filching, is there another town, called Port van Berghen, the Queen and Lady of all those Isles and waters: it taketh tribute of all vessels that pass that way whatsoever, they cannot pass ere they pay: and beside, it layeth out great hooks with loade-stones upon them, wherewith it angleth for ships, just as we do for Pikes, Trout, and other fishes: and where it once seizeth, there keepeth it sure hold. In these fens, and in this broad river, filled all with Isles, you 
b No more than the Egyptian Pirates had in Heliodorus. lib. 1.  shall not find one cottage, nor one boat: partly in that the people do choose rather to make themselves and their families nests in Reeds (which grow here in a far larger size than those of India,) and partly because they are commixed with the Foolianders (lying one so near another) whereof there is none but had rather swim then sail: so that they are so perfect in that art, that like to the Crocodiles, they live as much in the water as in the land, and move as swiftly as the swifted whirry. And of these do the Navigators stand more in fear, then of the other Pirates, by much: for these come suddenly upon them, and many of them clap to them to the ship at once, stay her as fast as if a Remora stuck to her keel: and then they tumble her with the bottom upwards and sink her, or trail her to a rock, and there wrack her.   

How the Author got into this country: Of the Harpies. CHAP. 4.  
But the reader may well marvel how I came to learn thus much: and make a question whether any man (that were wise) would expose himself to such a barbarous nations courtesy: well sir I prevented all that. Understand, that the Foolianders (the devout I mean) and these people hold a jubilee both together, every fifty year: during the which year, they are at peace with all the world, & all men are free from fear of the rankest thief that breathes. At these times do men come hither from all parts of this continent: yet at their coming they do give such gifts to the inhabitants, that this one years peace is more profitable unto them, than four years filching. Now it was my chance to light here upon this very year: and so I and my fellow travelers had the better means to take an exact view of the country. Only we were in some fear of the Harpies, as we traveled: our gold got no peace at their hands. They are (by my troth I know not what; either fowls or devils) & have kept here (by report) ever since (Zethes & Calais chased them out of Europe: they build their nests with strong beams, laying them athwart over the forked arms of huge grown trees: they are faced like owls, backed & bodied like Ostriches, feathered like Porcupines, beaked and pounced like Eagles. Truly they made me remember the birds that (as 
a Aristot lib. de mirabi. lib.  one writeth) do keep in the Diomedaean Isles, which would sawn upon upon the greeks, and fly at the faces of all men beside: Just so did the Harpies use us that were strangers; they would not touch an inhabitant, but were as familiar with them as tame Pigeons; but when any of us came near them, they would fly upon us like fiends: nor can any man pass Booty Forest, but they tear him all to pieces, unless he have a 
b So do the Turks call the from Cayro to Ormus, and the other po●ts of their traffic.  Caravan, of Robberswalders for his convoie.   

Of Lyers-bury plain. The natures of the Legerdumaynians. Of Free-purlogne, and Baggs-death, two Cities. CHAP. 5.  
NOw I come again to Lyers-burie plain, which lieth upon the Eastern verges of Robberswaldt and Legerdumayne: being 
a As the way by the cross was in Camden. I am free Merchant as passengers may ken, to Scots, to Britain's, and to Englishmen.  a free march unto them both, there is a river runs thorough the midst of it, called 
b For a liar must have a good memory.  memento, which parts the whole plain into two: and on this river, are divers of the Liegerdumaynians towns of garrisons seated. I am far mistaken if I saw not her some old monuments of Pliny, and Herodotus, in this very dale. Mercurius Gallobelgicus, has built himself a delicate house in the country: and there is a certain 
c If he do mean Baroniu● he is not far amiss, many suppose.  Cardinal (an Historian) that hath laid the foundations of a mighty and spacious castle in these quarters. For ever since Spain got the conquest of those Indies that join upon this land, the Liegerdumanians have given leave to the Jesuits (those busy-bauds, that must scald their lips in the whole world's pottage) to visit, and to inhabit this land, which the Robberswalders eruptions had otherwise utterly dispeopled. Here are many Astrology schools, whose professors are more in favour with the Liegerdumanians, than any other artists whatsoever, excepting poets & lawyers. In this very place, did I (better confess here then in a worse place) set up a school myself, and read the lecture of spying marvels in the heavens urinal as methodically as any Stargazer a● them all: I had my Ptolemy, my Guido Bonatus, my Bencorat, my Zahel, my Messahalach, my Albohali, my Hali Aben Razehell, all at an inch: and by their prescriptions wrote 
d Right, for this is but a discovery of Mundus altered et idem.  an infallible prognostication of these present times. These Liegerdumaynians are far more sociable (at least more circumspect & secret in their villainies) than the Robberswalders; for that which these do in public, the Leigerdumaynians do very closely: living under a law, & a Prince also, called (as I heard) by the name of Tiberiodi Golden-gripi: who keepeth state in Free-purloine, a delicate city in the very inmost edge of Lyers-burie plain: they never stir abroad on the day time, but effect all their business in the night: they hate the sun and love the moon, both with the extremest of affection. The trees of this soil are naturally so viscous, that no bird can light in them but she is presently taken. The greatest town of traffic in all this tract, is Bagges-death otherwise called 
e Of Bo●sa which is in Spanish, a purse; and Seco, in Latin to cut: H●er●nimus B●●secus, that same rare rascal that wrote the lives of calvin and Beza, was the founder of this city.  Bolseco, wherein there are two streets, Tongue-street, and Pawns-brooke, which two in my judgement exceed all the streets of any one city in the world, for largeness, for buildings. Tonguestreete is the Rendezvous of all the lawyers, and Cause-mongers: Pawnes-brooke, of the usurers, brokers, and tailors.  
And surely there is no nation under heaven so stored with lawyers as this is: who (as 
f In Paenulo.  Plautus saith of one) if they want means of contention, play the seed-men, and sow them themselves. Our Westminster, lay all the Inns of Court, and Chancery to it, is but a very Katherine's hall, to the utter Temple of this street: and yet, though their number do daily increase, it is held notwithstanding by the best politicians of the land, that they cannot continue. For when they have licked up all the whole country (as they have almost done already) they must needs lack clients, and so for want of employment go to law one with another, & by that means disperse their evil gotten goods amongst the communality again, to leave their posterity the means of more gainful trading. The lawyers men are all suited in 
g As the university show makers do usually suit their parasites.  party coloured liveries; to signify that their masters are ready to take fees on either side. Now as for their employment, the usurers do make them the most of it, together with the violent river Fraud, which running amongst the 
h Otherwise called th● Strophades, of 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉, to wrest or turn, those Quirkneyes are somewhat like our orkeneyes, for situation, but not not for condition.  Quirkney Isles, eateth one piece away here, and casteth it up, there; and afterward washeth it from thence, and lays it in a third place; changing his course now and then, and taking away one man's whole inheritance, to give it unto another, this it is that makes work for the lawyers.  
The Inhabitants are most of them (as the highland men of the Alps are) troubled with Chowles under their chins, called the 
i Demosthenes' his disease. It reigns here in England, at some seasons of the year, very powerfully, God knows, and to the wrack of many an upright cause. Meliora Deus.  Mony-chokes; a malady so ordinary amongst them that they neither care for curing it nor covering it. But here is a strange work of nature: their skins do naturally attract gold and silver, with as powerful a strength, as the loadstone draweth steel, and holds it as fast: a thing that was never seen elsewhere, and therefore the worthier of record. Pawnes-brooke is peopled with all sorts of artificers: Yet they open no shops: but every one attends the passengers at his own door with what lack ye Gentlemen, & then if he get a chapman, he leads him in, and shows him his wares in private. 
k Clavius Chrysopaeiae. lib. 1. etc.  One will show ye a chain crusted offer with thin plates of gold; and swear, that India nor Arabia did ever afford purer metal. Another cheers ye with a counterfeit Musk-cod: a third with pearls, so rarely adulterate both for 
l The five true trials of the goodness of pearls. Plin.  weight, fashion, clearness, smoothness and bigness, that you cannot discern them from true ones: and then he will show ye the shells wherein they grew. And here ye shall have your Lapidaries, with gems of all sorts, able to delude any eye in the world: the Cyprian Diamond, the Corinthian Hephestiles, the Sicilian Agate, the Egyptian Galactites, the Arabian Asbest, the Macedonian Paeanites, the Asian Alabandine, the Indian Berill, the English jet, the Persian Eagle-stone, the African Chalcedon, the Scythian smaragd, the German Corneil, the Aethiopian Chrysolite, the Lybian Carbuncle; here they are all; all singularly forged. Apothecary's there are also here in great abundance, and these do nothing but sophisticate receipt with their Succedanea, & their quid pro quo: It would ask a great volume to make a particular discovery of their deceits. But one thing I am amazed at, & grieve at their success herein, they are never taken in their falsifications, be they never so gross: nor do they fear any trial of their forgeries, but only that of the fire. When they are tripped, they are punished with all severity: but they have this prevention for that: they can change their shapes, voices, trades & habits, upon an instant, so cunningly, that he doth but wash an Ethiop that seeketh for him to day that cozened him yesterday. There is a famous school in the suburbs, where art Spagirike (pardon me you Alchemists, or blame yourselves, that have given falsehood so good a name) is read unto the youth of the city.  
And here they have a book which they hold as holy as the Turks do their Koran, it is called, The History of Mercury, (a book unknown to us) wherein is related, how he in his infancy stole Neptune's mace, Mars his sword, Phoebus his bow and shafts; Vulcan's tongues, and Venus her girdle: and how he proloind Ioues thunder, being as then so young as it seemed 
m Lucian.  he had learned the art of filching in his mother's belly. It contained furthermore, all the documents of deceit and cozenage whatsoever. Teaching the student of it how to pick locks, how to draw latches, how to tread without noise, how to angle in a locked chest with a twined thread: how to him the pence and never touch the purse: how to forswear an ill deed without blushing & a thousand such secrets that I might have learned but that I cared not for their art Caballist. But of all of them, the innkeepers are the knaves Rampant: so faithless, that the traveler dares neither trust his purse under his pillow, nor in any Iron casket whatsoever, but must be fain (as 
n josep. de Bello judaico.  the jews did, being besieged) to engorge his gold for all the night, and seek it in his close-stool the next morning, it would be gone else every Quart d'escu. The villages are inhabited with none but 
o The two Emblems of the every.  Millers and Tailors, and unless you hap here and there to find some straggling Gypsies.   

Of Lurtch-wit, a County in Legerdumaine. CHAP. 6.  
LVrtch-witte a large County, lieth on the west of this Leigerdumaine, wherein is the city Rigattiera, new repaired: near unto which is mount 
a Scapula stole his Greek Lexicon, from Steuens, and yet durst avow this. Hoc ego contendo Lexiconesse vovum.  Scapula, a very high hill. A Poet that is a Critic may here find many ancient monuments. One stone I saw here whereon were engraven certain Greek verses, 
b justin. Martyr in Protreptico ad Gentes, and Canter. var. Lect. P. 1. c. 3.  stolen by Homer from Orpheus and Musaeus. From Orpheus, these. 
c Hom. Iliad. p.  
〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  
〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  
〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  And from Musaeus this.  〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉. 
I found also many of Virgil's upon another stone, which the inhabitants said he had hought of by the knees out of Homer and Hesiod. Here were also some of Petrarches, nimmed from another 
d D●nte, or messier Canon, or Sen●ccio, or some of those times.  Tuscan Poet: and many other such like monuments. On the South part, lieth 
e It is inhabited with none but Pursuivants, and Benefice-bar●erers.  Rapineux, a plain all full of rubbish and ruins, which show that there hath been many cities there: but they were all pulled down long ago, to build those two magnificent piles, Penny-patron, and Chaffer-kirke: so that you shall see in this country, many old Churches turned into stables, streets into pastures, and steeples into privies. Besides this, the river Fraud doth continually tear away one piece or other from this part of the country, and layeth it either on the marshes of Lurtch-wit, or 
f Otherwise called, Never-enough.  Stille-more.   

Of Stillmore. CHAP. 7.  
THis Province is in the hands of a monstrous kind of men, such as you see pictured in Munster and Maundevill, with heads like hogs. They go always upon their hands and knees, lest they should otherwise miss any thing as they pass along the streets, that were worth the taking up. Their voice is a kind of grunting, nor have they other speech. None may dwell amongst them, but 
a Covetice is called the old man's evil.  old folks. Their youth they do spend in Booty-forrest (if they be valiant) or else in Bags-death Schools: the inhabitants are all husbandmen, merchants, and mettall-mongers. They do eat earth (as 
b Gesner. de Quadruped.  the Wolf doth when he is to go to fight) almost continually: yet some there are that eat nothing at all; but live upon the sight only of gold and silver. They never sleep but with their eyes open; herein only 
c Idem ibid.  resembling the Lyon.  
They serve a God whom they call Quadagno, with all superstitious reverence: they never go to their rest but when they have seen him: nor do they eat but in his presence.  
Touching the cities of this Province, there is Swine-borow, a filthy town, a very stinking heap: but then is there Gatherington 
d Richer than Amsterdam for all that it is called the Low-countries storehouse.  Hoord-sterdam, and Lockadolid, all handsomely built things, marry I could not come to view them within: by reason that every particular citizen in all these places hath a private key for the gates, to lock at his going in & out, so that by this means they prevent all stranger's access. The residue of this nation live more like swine than men, in the islands of Hoggs-bourg and the Scrapiglias.  These men, towns, and manners, did I behold, admire, and laugh at: and after 30. years travel, growing weary of wandering, I returned into my native country. 
FINIS.  
THE CAMBRIDGE PILGRIM.