THE First and best Part OF Scoggins jests: Full of witty mirth and pleasant shifts, done by him in France, and other places: being a preservative against melancholy.  
Gathered by Andrew Board, Doctor of Physic.  
LONDON, Printed for Francis Williams. 1626.   

The Prologue.  
THere is nothing beside the goodness of God, that preserve health so much, as honest mirth, especially mirth used at dinner and supper, and mirth toward bed, as it doth plainly appear in the Directions for health: Therefore considering this matter, that mirth is so necessary a thing for man, I published this Book, named, The jests of Scogin, to make men merry: for amongst diverse other Books of grave matters that I have made, my delight hath been to recreate my mind in making something merry. Wherefore I do advertise every man in avoiding pensiveness, or too much study or melancholy, to be merry with honesty in God, and for God, whom I humbly beseech to send us the mirth of Heaven, Amen.  
I Have heard say, that Scogin did come of an honest stock or kindred, and his friends did set him to school at Oxford, where he did continue until the time he was made Master of Art, where he made this jest:  

A Master of Art is not worth a fart,  
Except he be in Schools,  
A Bachelor of Law is not worth astraw,  
Except he be among fools.    

A Table of the merry jests and witty shifts of Scogin.  

What shift Scogin & his chamberfellow made to far well in Lent. 5  
What shift Scogin made, when he lacked money. 5  
How Scogin deceived the skinner. 6  
How jack got his dinner. 8  
How jack made his masterpay a penny for her ring bones. 9  
How jack made of two eggs three. 10  
How a husbandman put his son to school with Scogin. 10  
How Scogin & his scholar went to seek his horse. 11  
Scogins scholar took orders 12  
The scholar said, Tom Miller of Osney was Jacob's father 14  
Scogins scholier made priest 16  
How the Priest excused himself for not preaching. 17  
How the Priest fell asleep at Mass. 20  
How the Priest said Requiem eternam on Easter day. 20  
How the Priest said, Deus qui gint i filij tui. 21  
How the priest was accused for keeping a wench. 23  
How the parson said, Anupsimus quesimus Domine. 24  
How Scogin told the hunter he had found a hare. 25  
How Scogin told his fellows of a Pickerel. 26  
〈…〉  
How Scogin drew out an old woman's tooth. 28  
How Scogin gave a medicine to make one go to it. 29  
How Scogin gave one a medicine to find his horse. 30  
How Scogin was robbed. 30  
Scogin parbraked a Crow. 31  
How Sogin caused his wife to be let blood. 33  
How Scogin and his wife made an heir. 34  
How Scogin got the Abbot's horse. 36  
How Scogin brought a dogs ●urd to know what powder it was. 36  
How Scogin did draw a Tooth-drawer's tooth. 37  
How Scogin did serve the poor folks. 39  
How Scogin came to the court, and won 20 pound. 40  
How he leapt over the Tables. 44  
How Scogin gave one a goose leg. 45  
Scogin was desired to sweep a Lords chamber. 45  
How Scogin said he had a wall eye. 45  
How Scogin drew his son up & down the Court. 46  
How Scogin greased a fat low. 47  
How the King gave Scogin a 〈…〉  
How Scogin played horse play. 49  
How Scogin let a fart, and said it was worth forty pounds. 50  
How Scogin begged 500 Okes. 51  
How Scogin would make a shepherd ask blessing. 51  
How a Cowherd taught him his cunning in the weather. 53  
How a man told Scogin he thought the building of Paul's cost forty shillings. 54  
Of him that thought Paul's steeple so high, that none might look over it. 55  
How Scogin desired to say, Aue Maria in the King's ear. 55  
How Scogin chalked his wife the way to Church. 56  
How Scogin desired the Queen to know whether riches would not tempt women. 57  
How Scogin escaped beating 58  
How Sogins wife came to the Queen. 59  
How Scogin whined like a dog. 62  
How Scogin would fly into England. 63  
How Scogin prayed for an 100 French Crowns. 64  
How Scogin was new christened. 65  
How Scogin deceived a Doctor of Physic. 66  
And a Tapster. 68  
〈…〉  
And the Draper. 72  
How Scogin told a shoemaker he was not at home. 75  
How the shoemaker gave Scogin forty shil'ing to have his house made greater. 75  
How Scogin could not do two things at once. 77  
How the French King showed Scogin the King of England's picture. 78  
How Scogin put french earth into his shoes. 78  
How Scogin deceived the poor folks. 79  
How Scogin talked with a fellow that kept Oxen. 80  
What shift Scogin made for boots. 81  
How Scogin & the priest prayed for money. 82  
How Scogin came to court like a monstrous beast. 85  
How Scogin asked the King & Queen forgiveness. 87  
How Scogin told the Queen what a great study he was in 88  
How diverse Gentlemen came to Scogins house to make merry. 89  
How Scogin fell sick. 90  
How Scogin was shriven. 91  
Where Scogin desired to be buried. 91  
What Scogin said when he took 〈…〉    
The merry jests, and witty shifts of Scogin.  

What shift Scogin and his Chamber-fellow made to far well in Lent.  
ON a time in Lent Scogin consulted with a Chamber-fellow of his, a Collegioner, & said, How shall we do to far well this Lent? The scholar replied, I cannot tell, for I lack money. Nay said Scogin, if you will be ruled by me, we will far well. The scholar answered, I will do as you shall counsel me. Then Scogin said, fain yourself sick, & go to bed, groan and cry out for help, and call for me to come unto you, which was done; and when Scogin came to his chamber-fellow he feigned himself sore sick. Scogin asked how he did? I am so sick quoth he, that I think I shall die, than said Scogin, be of good comfort, I see no peril of death in you: O sir, said the scholar, you do not feel the pains that I feel. I pray you sir, as my trust is in you, keep me, and go not from m, until I am amended, for every Lent is unto me very evil, unless that I have some good cherishing; as you see this little sickness hath made me so faint and weak, that I cannot stand on my legs, and I fear I shall pine away: not so, said Scogin, be of good cheer, and pull up your heart, here be of your fellows, which will take the pains to go to the Eowcers' of your place, to entreat them to take care of you. When it was known in the College that Scogins chamber-fellow was so sore sick, some were afraid that it had been the pestilence, or else some other infectious sickness: wherefore Scogin was put in trust both for the keeping, and to do other necessary things for his chamber-fellow, and had every night the keys of the Bowcery and Buttery delivered, whereby he provided for bread & drink, good salt Eeles, salt Salmon, & other salt fishes, so they did lack no good cheer, besides fresh fish which came out of the Kitchin.  
This done, the fellows of the place would that the patient's urine should be had to the Physician, to know what manner of sickness the Patient had. Scogin then being afraid that the Physician would now know that his fellow was not sick, said to him, we shall be both shamed and sh●nt, except thou wilt suffer me to burn thy lips and sing thy nose with a candle, and then let me alone with the Physician, for I must have your water to him Scogin did burn his chambersellowes' nose & lips, and had his water to the Physician. The Physician said, he that doth owe this water or urine, is a whole man. Nay, said Scogin, that is not so, the man is a sore sick man, & doth break out about the lips and nose. Ah said she Physician, a water or urine is but a strumpet, a man may be deceived in a water: and if he be as you do say, (said the Physician to Scogin) then hath he a great heat in the liver, & in the stomach Yea sir, said Scogin he doth complain of his stomach. Then said the Physician, you shall have a bill of the Apothecary, and let him take such medicines as shall be there made: Sir, said Scogin, it is but a poor scholar, and he hath little to spend. Then said the Physician, for your sake it shall be but a groat matter: which when he had bought, and brought home, he cast the medicine into the fire, saying to his fellow, I have deceived the Physician, and now let us make merry, and fill all the pots in the house After this Scogin showed the Bowcer's and the fellows, how he was with the Physician, and that he had sent the patient medicines: but for all that, Scoggin said that the Physician cannot tell as yet unto what infirmity this matter will turn: but said Scogin, I fear much the pestilence, which he said, because none should visit the patient: this continued until that Lent was done, & on maundy Thursday, Scogin said to his chamberfellow, we will make our maundy, and eat & drink with advantage: be it said the scholar. On Maundy thursday at night they made such cheer, that the scholar was drunk. Scogin then pulled off all the scholar's clothes, and laid him stark naked on the rushes, and set a form over him, and spread a coverlet over it, and set up two fallow candles in candlesticks over him, one at his head, the other at his feet, and ran from chamber to chamber, and told the fellows of the place that his chamberfellow was dead; and they asked of Scogin if he died of the pestilence. Scogin said no, I pray you go up and pray for his soul, and so they did. And when the scholar had slept his first sleep, he began to turn himself, and cast down the form and the candles. The fellows of the house seeing that Scogin did run first out of the chamber, they and all that were in the chamber (one running and tumbling down on another's neck) were afraid. The scholar seeing them run so fast out of the chamber, followed them stark naked; and the fellows seeing him run after them like a ghost, some ran into their chambers, and some ran into one corner, and some into another, Scogin ran into the chamber, to see that the candles should do no harm, and at last fetched up his chamberfellow, which ran about naked like a mad man, and brought him to bed, for which matter Scogin had rebuke.   

What shift Scogin and his fellow made, when they lacked money.  
AFter this, Scogin and his chamber-fellow lacked money, and Scogin said, if thou wilt be ruled after me, we will go to Tame market, where we shall overtake going or coming some that drive sheep, now do as I shall tell thee, and we will get some money: and as they went to Tame, they did see a man drive sheep. Then Scogin said to his fellow, go thou before, and make bargain with him, that the sheep be no sheep, but Hogs, and when that thou hast made a full bargain, ask by whom the matter shall be tried, and say thou, by him that shall next overtake us. The scholar did overtake him that drove the sheep, and said, Well overtaken my friend, from whence hast thou brought these fair hogs? Hogs quoth the fellow, they be sheep: said the scholar, you begin to jest. Nay, sir, said the fellow, I speak in good earnest. Art thou in earnest, said the scholar? Thou wilt lay no wager with me to the contrary. Yes by the book of a pudding, I will lay all the money in my purse. How much is that, said the scholar? The fellow said, I have two shillings. Two shillings, said the scholar, that is nothing, wilt thou lay half thy hogs, and two shillings, and I will lay as much against it? strike hands, and he that loseth shall pay. Be it, said the fellow. Now said the Scholar, by whom shall we be tried? the fellow said, we shall be tried in the town of Tame. Nay, said the scholar, Tame is out of my way, let us be tried by him that shall next overtake us. Be it, said the fellow: by and by Scogin did overtake them, saying, well overtaken good fellows. Welcome master, said the scholar and the fellow. Master, said the fellow here is a scholar of Oxford hath made a bargain with me of two shillings and the price of half my Sheep, that they be hogs that I do drive before me. Scogin did set up a laughing, saying, Alack good fellow, dost thou think these be sheep? yea sir, said the fellow. Alack good fellow, thou hast lost thy bargain, said Scogin, for they be fair Hogs. Then said the Scholar, give me my money, and divide these Hogs, for I must have half of them. Alack, said the fellow, I bought these for sheep, and not for hogs, I am undone. Nay, said Scogin, I will be indifferent between you both, let the Scholar have the two shillings, and take thou the hogs away with thee. The fellow said, blessed be the time that ever you were borne: hold Scholar, there is two shillings. The fellow was glad he lost not his hogs, which were sheep.   

How Scogin deceived the Skinner.  
When Scogin had brought to Oxford such things as he had in London, he lacked furs for his gowns, and Miniver furs for his hood. Whereupon he went to an Alderman in Oxford, which was a Skinner, and said unto him. It is so that I must proceed Master of Art at the next Act, and I have bestowed my money at London, and now I have need of furs, (as you know) wherefore if I shall have of you as much as shall serve me, I will content you with thanks. Then said the Alderman, make your gowns and your hood, and send them to me, and they shall be furred as other Masters be. Then said Scogin you shall have them within these two days, and then I pray you make me a bill what I shall pay for every thing. It shall be done said the Alderman. When as the gowns and hood were furred, he went to fetch them home, & said to the Alderman, I pray you let me see my charge: the bill was brought forth and the sum did rise to six pound and odd money. The Alderman said, when shall I have my money? Scogin answered, within these seven weeks, or else the next time that you and I do meet after the said term set. The term of time passed over, and the Alderman sent for his money. Scogin said to the messenger, have me commended to Master Alderman, and tell him when he & I do meet, I will content him according to my promise: so on a time Scogin went to Korfax, and he espied the Alderman, and then he returned back. The Alderman made good footing after him to overtake him and said unto him, Sir, you said that you would pay me my money within seven weeks, or else any time after that we did meet together. It is true, said Scogin, my day is expired, but my promise is not broken: no, said the Olderman, so that you pay me my money now. Now said Scogin, nay not so, we meet not together yet, for now you did but overtake me, and when we do meet, you shall have your money: but if I can, said Scogin, I will not meet you this seven years, if I can go backward. Wherefore a plain bargain is best, and in bargains making, fast bind, fast find.   

How jack by playing of the Whiting, got his dinner.  
When the sickness was at Oxford, on a time Scogin went out of Oxford, and did lie at S. Barthelmewes' by Oxford, and he had a poor scholar to dress his meat: On a Friday he said to his scholar, Jack, here is two pence, go to the market and buy me three whiting, the which his scholar did: & when he was come home, Scogin said, Jack, go seeth me a whiting to my dinner: Jack heard him say so, and deferred the time, thinking he should far ill when that his master had but a whiting to dinner. At last Scogin said; doth the fish play? Jack said, would you have one play without a fellow? Scogin said, Jack thou sayest truth: put another whiting into the pan. Then Jack prepared his fish to seethe them: then Scogin said, Jack, doth the fish play now? Jack said, I trow they be mad or else wood, for one doth fight with the other, that I have much ado to keep them in the pan. Then said Scogin, put the other whiting betwixt them to break the strife. Jack was then glad, thinking he should get somewhat to dinner, and sod the fish, and had his part.   

How jack made his Master pay a penny for the herring bones.  
ON a time Scogin did send Jack to Oxford to market, to buy a penny worth of fresh herring. Scogin said, bring four herrings for a penny, or else bring none. Jack could not get four herrings, but three for his penny; and when he came home, Scogin said, how many herrings hast thou brought? and Jack said, three herrings, for I could not get four for a penny. Scogin said, he would none of them: sir, said Jack, then will I, and here is your penny again. When dinner time was come, than Jack did set bread and butter before his Master, and roasted his herrings, and sat down at the lower end of the table, and did eat the herrings. Scogin said, let me have one of thy herrings, and thou shalt have another of me another time. Jacte said, and if you will have one herring, it shall cost you a penny. What said Scogin, thou wilt not take it on thy conscience: Jack said, my conscience is such, that you get not a morsel here, except I have my penny again. Thus contending together, Jack had made an end of his herrings: A Master of Art of Oxford, one of Scogins fellows, did come to see Scogin, and when Scogin had espied him, he said to Jack, set up the bones of the herrings before me; sir, said Jack, they shall cost you a penny. Then said Scogin, what whorson wilt thou shame me? no sir, said Jack, give me my penny again, & you shall have up the bones, or else I will tell all. Scogin then cast down a penny to Jack, & Jack brought up to Scogin the herring bones: and by this time the Master of Art did come in to Scogin, & Scogin had him welcome, saying, if you had come sooner, you should have had fresh herrings to dinner.   

How jack by sophistry would make of two eggs three.  
SCogin on a time had two eggs to his breakfast, and Jack his choler should roast them, and as they were roasting, Scogin went to the fire, to warm him, and as the eggs were roasting, Jack said, sir, I can by sophistry prove that here be three Egs. Let me see that, said Scogin, I shall tell you sir, said Jack: Is not here one? Yes, said Scogin. And is not here two, said Jack? Yea, said Scogin, of that I am sure. Then Jack did tell the first egg again, saying, is not this the third? O said Scogin, Jack thou art a good sophister Well, said Scogin, these two eggs shall serve me for my breakfast, and take thou the third for thy labour, and for the herring that thou didst give me the last day. So one good turn doth ask another, and to deceive him that goeth about to deceive, is no deceit.   

How a Husbandman put his son to School with Scogin.  
THere was a Husbandman beside. Oxford, and he would fain have his son to go to School with master Scogin, and that Scogin should help to make him a Priest, and to obtain Scogins favour and good will the husbandman gave Scogin a horse. Scogin was pleased, so that he would pay for his son's board. The husbandman was contented, and Scogin pleased. The slovenly boy almost as big as a knave, would begin to learn his A. B. C. Scogin did give him a lesson of nine of the first letters of A. B. C. and he was nine days in learning of them, and when he had learned the nine Christ-cross row letters, the good scholar said, Am itch past the worst now? Yea, said Scogin. Then said the Scholar, would God ich were, vor dis is able to cumber any man's wits alive. Scogin then thought his scholar would never be but a fool, and did apply him as well as he could to learning: but he that hath no wit, can never have learning nor wisdom.   

How Scogin and his scholar went to seek his horse  
ON a time Scogin had lost his horse; wherefore in the morning he called up his scholar, saying, Will ho. Will heard him call, and would not speak: at last Scogin said, what Will I say, arise, and let us go look my horse. Will said, Master, hold your peace, warrant ich am vast azleepe. What old lusk, said Scogin, arise and meet with me at Shotover, which is a great wood nigh S. Bartholomew's beside Oxford. Will followed his master with an evil will, they seeking one in one place, and the other in another place for his horse. At last Scogin did lewer and whoop to him. Will said, as he was brought up with his father, what a devil will you have now? Scogin said, hast thou found my horse? No, I may, but ch'aue found a better thing. What is that, said Scogin? By my vay, said Will, ich have found a birds nest. Well Will, said Scogin, mark the place, and look out my horse. By my day, said Will, I'll mark the place, vor ich have shit under the tree, and now chould ich could find another birds nest, for all your horse. Thus you so a foole will not leave his babble for a thing of better worth.   

How Scogins scholar took orders.  
WHen that Scogin had taught his scholar that he with help might be Subdeacon, he said to him, thou shalt go to take orders, and I will go with thee. And if thou dost stand in any doubt, take heed to my book, and give an ear tame, and I will help thee as much as I can. When all they that should take orders, were come to oppositions, Scogin did come forth with his scholar. And the Ordinary did oppose him with a verse of the Psalter; which was this, Moab, Agareni, Gebal, Amon, & Amaleck, cum habitantibus Tirum. Scogins scholar was blank oramazed. Sir, said Scogin to the Ordinary, you shall understand that Moab, Agareni, Gebal, Amon, & Ameleck, cum habitantibus Tirum, were unhappy fellows, for they did trouble the children of Israel, and if they trouble my scholar, it is no marvel: but now I do tell thee my scholar, be not afraid of Moab, Agareni, Gebal, Amon, & Ameleck, cum habitantibus Tirum, for I will stand beside to comfort thee, for Moab, Agaren●▪ etc. can do thee no haime, for they be dead. By reason that Scogin did so oft repeat these words, the scholar did read this verse aforesaid: and through Scogins promise, the Ordinary was content that his scholar should take Orders, and be Subdeacon. After this, when the Orders were given again, Scogin did speak to his scholar's Father, to send in a letter three or sour pieces of gold. The scholar's Father was content so to do: so that his sou might be Deacon. Then said Scogin to his scholar, thou shalt deliver this letter to the Ordinary, when he doth sit in oppositions, & as soon as he feeleth the letter, he will perceive that I have sent him some money, and he will say to thee, Quomodo valec magister tuus? that is to say, how doth thy Master? thou shalt say, Qiud petis? what thing dost thou ask? Then thou shalt say, Diaconatum, to be Deacon. Then the Ordinary will say, Es tu literatus? art thou learned? & thou shalt say, Aliqualiter, some, what. Now said Scogin, thou hast no more but three words to bear in mind in Latin, which is to say, Been, Diaconatum, and Aliqualiter. The father and the scholar were glad that by Scogins letters & the money he should be Deacon, & went to the oppositions, and delivered his letter with the money. The Ordinary perceiving money in the letter, said to the scholar, Quid petis? that is to say, what dost thou ask or desire? The scholar remembering Scogins words, that the first word, was Been, he said, Been that is, well. When the Ordinary heard him say so, he said; Quomodo valet Magister tuus? Now doth thy Master? The scholar said, Diaconatum, that is to say, Deacon. The Ordinary did see he was a fool, & said; Tues stu●tus thou art a fool: the scholar said, Aliqualiter, that is to say, somewhat. Nay, said the Ordinary, not Aliqualiter, but Totaliter, a stark fool. Then the scholar was amazed, and said, sir, let me not go home without mine Orders, and here is another Angel of gold sor you to drink. Well, said the Ordinary, on that condition you will promise me to go to your book and learn, you shall be Deacon at this time. Here a man may see that money is better than learning.   

How the scholar said, Tom Miller of Osney, was Jacob's Father.  
AFter this, the said scholar did come to the next Orders, & brought a present to the Ordinary from Scogin, but the scholar's father paid for all. Then said the Ordinary to the scholar, I must needs oppose you, and for Master Scogins sake, I will oppose you in a light matter. Isaac had two sons, Esau & jacob, who was Jacob's father? The scholar stood still, and could not tell. Well said the Ordinary, I cannot admit you to be Priest, until the next Orders, and then bring me an answer. The scholar went home with a heavy heart, bearing a letter to Master Scogin, how his scholar could not answer to this question, Isaac had two sons, Esau & jacob, who was Jacob's Father. Scogin said to his scholar, thou fool and ass-head, dost thou not know Tom Miller of Osney? Yes said the scholar. Then said Scogin, thou knowest he had two sons, Tom and lack, who is lacks father? The scholar said Tom Miller. Why said Scogin, thou mightest have said, that Isaac was Jacob's Father: then said Scogin, thou shalt arise betime in the morning, and carry a letter to the Ordinary, and I trust he will admit thee before the Orders shall be given. The scholar rose up betime in the morning, and carried the letter to the Ordinary. The Ordinary said, for Master Scogins sake I will oppose you no farther than I did yesterday. Isaac had two sons, Esau and jacob, who was Jacob's Father? Marry said the scholar, I can tell you now that was Tom Miller of Osney. Go fool, go, said the Ordinary, and let thy Master send thee no more to me for Orders; for it is impossible to make a fool a wise man.   

How Scogins scholar was made Priest.  
THe aforesaid scholar's Father was sorry that he could not have his son made Priest and made his moan to Master Scogin. Master Scogin said, you must get him his Dimissaries to be made Priest in some other Diocese, for our Ordinary will not admit him: sir, said the scholar's father, get him his Dimissaries and make him a Priest, and I will give you twenty nobles: sir, said Scogin, let me have the money and it shall be done. The next Orders after, Scogin & the scholar's father, & the scholar did ride all to London, and Scogin went to the Ordinary, and gave him forty shillings to have his scholar made Priest. The Ordinary said, I must oppose him; sir, said Scogin, my scholar is well learned, but he hath no utterance; wherefore I pray you at my request, oppose him in Te Deum, and his father shall bring him to you. I am pleased, said the Ordinary. On the morrow the scholar & his father went to master Ordinary: The Ordinary said, be you master Scogins scholar? Yea sir, said he. Would you be Priest at the beginning of these Orders? Yea sir, said the scholar. Then said the Ordinary, I must oppose you, & it shall be in Te Deum, and I will begin, & answer you me, and say; Tibi Cherubin & Scraphin incessabili voce proclamant, Sanctus said the scholar, Sanctus said the Ordinary, Sanctus said the scholar. Hold thy peace knave, said the scholar's father: will you check the Gentleman, that is so good to us? The Ordinary did laugh, and said to the Scribe: put this man's name in the Book to be Priest. Go said he Ordinary, & come to morrow, and the Bishop will make you a Priest: the which was done.   

What talk this wise Priest and his Father had as they road home.  
ANd as he was riding home with his father, he espied the Moon, & said, father, this is like the Moon we have at home. I marvel said he, whereof the Moon is made. His father said, I cannot tell. Then said the wise Priest, it is made like a Cheese, and if it be a Cheese, I would I had a gobbot, for I am hungry. Father he said, how may a man climb up to it, & cut out a piece? then said the Father, I would I were at home, for all the Moons in this Country. At last they came to Uxbridge, and there the young Priest had espied a Cow-turd, lying upon a beam in the top of the house: then he said to his father, here is a thing to be marvelled on, whether the Cow went up to shit on the beam, or the beam came down to let the Cow shit on it. Then said the father, belike one of the two it was.   

How the Priest excused himself, because he did not preach?  
AFter that this man was made Priest for money his father had not him a benefice: then the parishioners where he was parson, were not contented that they had no sermons of him: upon the which he went to master Scogin to ask his counsel Then said Scogin Christmas day is at hand, and then go into the Pulpit, and take this for thy anthem, P●er natus 〈…〉, etc. Then say, Masters to you all, what is Pu●● natus est nobis? and if no man will answer, ask of the Clerk: and if he cannot tell, then say; Now Masters to you all, what is 〈◊〉 datus est nobis? if none can tell, ask the Clerk: if he cannot tell, then say; Masters, what is Cuins' imperium; if none can tell, then ask the oldest man in the Church what Cuius imperium is: is he cannot tell, then say; Masters, this man hath dwelled in this Parish this many years, and he cannot tell what Cuius imperium is. I have not been half a year among you, and you would have me to preach, I tell you all, by that time I have been in this Town as long as this old man hath been. I will preach, and tell you what Cuius imperium is. On Christmas day this noble Priest went into the Pulpit and said; Puer natus est nobis, Filius datus est nobis: cuius imperium. Now Masters to you all what is Puer natus est nobis? There was no man could answer him: then said the Priest to the Clerk, what is Puer natus est nobis? The Clerk said, A Child is borne to us. It is well said (said the priest,) Now Masters to you all, what is Filius datus est nobis? No man said a word: Clarke, what is Filius datus est nobis 〈◊〉 The Clerk said, a son is given to us. It is well said (said the Priest) although he knew not whether he said right or wrong. Then said the Priest, now masters to you all, what is Cuius imperium? There was none in the Church did answer. Then said the Priest to the Clerk, what is cuius imperium? the Clarke said, I cannot tell Then the Priest said, how long hast thou dwelled here? The Clerk said, nine or ten years. Then there sat before the Priest an old man with a bald head: thou old Father, said the Priest, what is cuius imperium? I cannot tell, said the old man, why, said the Priest, how long hast thou dwelled in this parish? The old man said, I was borne in this Town. Why said the priest, how old art thou? The old man said, fourscore years and odd: Then said the priest, lo masters all here is a Clerk which hath dwelled here this nine or ten years, and this old man hath dwelled here fourscore years and odd, & yet they cannot tell what Cuius imperium is and I have not been here ten weeks, and you would have me preach I tell you all, by that time I have dwelled here as long as this old man hath done, I will preach, 〈◊〉 tell you what Cius imperium is. For he is 〈◊〉 stark fool that can make no excuse for himsel●● that is culpable.   

How the Priest fell asleep as he was at Mass.  
ON a certain time Scogin went to his scholar, the aforesaid Parson, to dine with him on a sunday: and this foresaid Priest or Parson all the night before had been at Cards playing at the Post, he made short matins, and went to Mass, and when he did come to his first memento, he leaned him to the Altar, and fell asleep. When Scogin had espied it, he called the Clerk to awake him; the Clerk went and shoot him, and bade him awake. Pass said the Priest, awake said the Clerk. I will none of it, said the Priest, what sir, said the Clerk, you are at mass. Hold thy peace, saith the Priest, I beshrew thy heart, thou hast let me of a good sleep Awake for shame, said the Clerk. At the last he awaked, and made an end of his Mass. When Mass was done, Scogin reprehended him, and they of the Parish complained of the Priest to Scogin, for that fault and many other. Scogin said, that the Priest had great pain in his brows, that he could not hold up his head: and therefore pardon him for this fault, considering his sickness.   

How the Priest said, Requiem aeternam on Easter day.  
ON an Easter day, this aforesaid Parson could not tell what Mass he should say: wherefore he said to the Clerk, I pray thee run to my next neighbour, the Parson of Garsington, & let him send me word what Mass I shall say to day: the Parson said to the Clerk, let him say the Mass which doth begin with a great R. The Priest turned over his Book and found Requiem aeternam, and said the Mass which is used for a soul or souls: When Mass was done, one said to him, Master Parson, for whose soul did you say Mass to day? sir said he, for God's soul, which died on Friday last: For I was sick yesterday, and could not say Mass for his soul: sir, said the man, God is alive, and not dead. No, said he? if he had not been dead, he should not have been buried. All this is true, said the man, but after he was dead, he rose from death to life, and is alive, and shall die no more. By my faith said the Parson, I will never after this pray for him any more. No, said the man, you must never pray for God: but you must pray to God to send you some wit, or else you will die a fool, etc.   

How the Priest said, Deus qui viginti filij tui, when he should have said, Deus qui unigeniti.  
ON a time master Scogin said to his fellows that were Masters of Art, I pray you let us go to make merry with the Parson of Baldon, which was once my scholar. Be it said they: On the morrow in the morning, they went to Baldon, and one Master of Art went before all the other, and did go into the Church, and the Priest began Mass of the Cross: and when he came to the Collect, he did read; Deus qui viginti filij 〈◊〉, etc. when he should have said, Deus qui unigeniti, etc. And as he was reading the Collect, he heard a great noise in the Churchyard, and ere he had fully made an end of it, master Scogin and the other Masters of Art came into the Church. Then at the Collect end, he turned about and said; Dominus, vobis cum. He spying so many scholars, said, I●● missa est. For he thought the scholars did come for to check him in his Mass. And when Mass was done, they went to dinner with the Parson. And after dinner, the Master of Art that did come first into the Church, that heard the Parson read, Deus qui viginti filij 〈◊〉, said, Master Parson, I pray you for my learning, tell me how many son's God had. The Parson was astonished: sir said he, I will tell you by and by. He went to Scogin, saying, sir, I pray you tell me how many son's God had. Scogin said, go and tell him, sir, you did ask of me how many son's God hath: it shall not skill how many nor how few he hath, I am sure that you be none of them. Why sir, said the Master of Art, you said to day in your Mass, that God had twenty children, for you said, Deus qui viginti filij tui, yea sir, be content said Scogin, hath God more or less, my priest saith you be none of them: we have good cheer, & costs us nothing, therefore one good turn asketh another without reprehension.   

How the Priest was complained on for keeping a young wench in his house.  
THis aforesaid Parson had a wench to keep his house, & to dress his meat, and because both the Priest and she were young, they were complained on to the Ordinary, which sent for the Priest by a citation. The priest was afraid, and said to the Sumner, I will give the 15 pence to tell me the cause why I should come to the Ordinary: sir said he, for keeping this wench within your house wherefore you must appear the next court day. The priest went to Scogin and showed him the whole matter, Scogin said, I will write a Letter to the Ordinary, the contents whereof was this: After commendations, I certify you, that where my Priest is complained on for a woman that he keepeth in his house, to wash his dishes and to gather richeses, to milk his cow, & to serve his sow, to feed his hen & cock, to wash shirt and smock, his points to unloose, & to wipe his shoes: to make bread & ale, both good, & eke stale, & to make his bed, & to look his head, his garden she doth weed, & doth help him at need: no man can say, but night and day, he could not miss to clip & kiss: she is saire and fat, what for all that, I can no more tell, but now fare you well. The parson did bear this letter to the Court, and delivered it. The Ordinary said, Master parson you ●ee complained on because you do keep a young wench in your house: Master said the Parson, she is not young, for she is of the age of my horse. Why said the Ordinary, how old is your horse? Master said the Parson, eighteen years old. Well said the Ordinary you must put away your wench. Now, said the Priest, I had rather lose my benefice: for than must I brew and ba●e, & do all things myself, and that I will not do. Well said the Ordinary, I will come home to your house one day, and see what rule you keep: sir said the Parson, you shall been welcome. The Ordinary came to the Parson's house, and when he did see the wench, he said; Vxor tua sicut vitis abundantis in lateribus domus tua. The Parson thought the Ordinary had opposed him in our Latin Matins, and said; Ec filij tui sicut novellae Olivarum in circ●●t● mensae tuae. The Ordinary was abashed, and supposed that some man had told him of his children that he had in his house of his own, sitting round about at his Table, was ashamed to rebuke the Parson, and said nothing else, but farewell Master Parson. Thus a man may perceive, that diverse times fools be fortunate. And it is evil and a foolish thing, for a man to reprehend another man for a fault that he himself is guilty in.   

How the Parson said, Anupsimus quaesimus domine.  
ANother time Master Scogin, & other Masters of Art in Oxford, did visit the said Priest again, and found him at Mass, and at the last Collect, the Parson said; An●p●mus quaesimus Domine. One of the Masters of Art said, Master Parson, you must say; Sumpsimus quaesimus Domine. The Parson looked back, & said to the Master of Art; I have said these dozen years, Anupsimus quaesimus Domine, and I will not leave my old Anupsimus for thy new Sumpsimus: so they went to dinner, and the Parson said to Scogin, I have not meat enough for you all. Well said Scogin, such as you have set on the board, and so he did. Then one of the Masters said grace, and began, Benedicite domine apposita, & apponenda. Nay said Scogin put apponenda in your purse, and bless apposita, for here is on the table all the meat at this tune you shall have, and I beshrew some of us, and not me, for we had fared better, if Sumpsimus had not been here: wherefore it appeareth, that he which telleth the truth, oftentimes shall far the worse, or else be shent.   

How Scogin told the hunter he had found a Hare.  
SCogin had a great Hare's skin, that was new killed, and he went to a wheat land, that was an handful and an half high, and did lay there a foul great marred; they that can speak French, can tell what a marred is, and couched the Hare's skin over it, and set up the Hare's ears, and then he came to Oxford, and said to them that used hunting, that he had found a Hare sitting. They ran for their Greyhounds to kill the hare, and Scogin went with them to the land where the Hare did sit. At last one espied the ears, and the head of the Hare, and said, so how? stand you there, said the other, and give her the law of the game. Scogin got him home to Oxford, and one that came to see the game, was bid to put up the Hare, and when he came almost at the Hare, up whore he said, or I will prick you in the buttock by and by, but the Hare did not stir. At last when he came to the place, he thrust his staff at the Hare's skin, and did turn it over, and under it was a great marred, he returned again as if he had a flea in his ear to Oxford. Why said they do you not put up the Hare? Go put her up yourself with a vengeance said he, and went home again in an anger: they that held their Grey hounds did marvel what he meant, & that Scogin was gone: they went to see where the Hare should sit, & they found a Hare's skin & a great marred. Well said they, we can never beware of Scogins mocks & jests, would part of this hare were in his mouth, and so they departed: whereby you may see that fair words make fools fain.   

How Scogin told his fellows he knew where was a Pickerel.  
ON a, time Scogin said to his fellows, I have found where a Pickerel doth lie in a ditch behind Saint Wenefrides' Welford: said the one I can get a net, Go, said Scogin & fetch it, and meet me behind S. Wenefrides' Well. Scogin took a long quarter staff, the which craftily he had cut more then half asunder. Scogin did look into the water, and said, here about he should been. Then said the one to the other, some must leap over. Hold the staff said Scogin. The one of them took the staff, and pitched it into the water, and would have leapt over. The staff brook, and laid the Scholar in the middle of the water. Then were the schollers ready to take him up with their net, & other policy. Scogin shrunk away, & went home. When the scholar was taken out of the water, Scogin was asked for & no man could tell where he was. The scholars went home & found him out, and said: Is this the Pickerel that you would show us? I pray you, said he, if you have taken him, let me have part with you: Here a man may see daily, if a man have shrewd turns, he shall be mocked also for his labour.   

How Scogin sold powder to kill fleas?  
SCogin diverse times did lack money, & could not tell what shift to make, at last he thought to play the Physician, and did fill a box full of the powder of a rotten post, and on a sunday he went to a Parish Church, and told the wives, that he had a powder to kill up all the fleas in the country and every wife bought a penny worth, & Scogin went his way ere Mass was done, the wives went home, & cast the powder into their beds, 〈◊〉 in their chambers, & the fleas continued still. On a time Scogin came to the same Church on a sunday, and when the wives had espied him, the one said to the other, this is he that deceived us with the powder to kill fleas: see said the one to the other, this is the selfsame person. When Mass was done, the wives gathered about Scogin, and said; You be an honest man to deceive us with the powder to kill fleas Why said Scogin, are not your sleas all dead? We have more now (said they) then ever we had: I marvel of that, said Scogin, I am sure you did not use the medicine As you should have done. They said, we did cast it in our bed, & in our chambers. A, said he, there be a sort of feoles that will buy a thing, & will not ask what they should do with it. I tell you all, that you should have taken every slay by the neck, & then they would gape, and then you should have cast a little of the powder into every fleas mouth and so you should have killed them all. Then said the wives, we have not only lost our money, but we are mocked for our labour.   

How Scogin drew out an old woman's tooth.  
THere was an old woman that had but one tooth in her head, & that did a●e very sore, she went to Master Scogin for remedy. Come with me mother, said Scogin, & you shall be healed by & by. He then got a packthréed, and went to the Smith's forge with the woman, and he said to the Smith, I pray you heat me a Coulter in your forge. I will said the Smith. Then he went to the old woman and said, Mother, let me see your tooth, and she did so: he took his packthrée●, and bound it fast about the tooth, & tied the other end of the thread at the ring of the forge door, whereas the Smith used to tie his horses & mares, and when the coulter was glowing hot, coggin took the coulter, and ran with it against the old woman saying; A whore dost thou stand here like an old mare: I will run thee through with this hot coulter. The woman being afraid, gave a braid with her head, and ran her way, & left her tooth behind her. Scogin ran after the woman, and she cried out for help (for she was afraid that Scogin would have burnt her.) The Smith ran after Scogin for his coulter, for he was afraid that Scogin would run away with it. Whereby you may see what a terrible thing fear is.   

How Scogin gave one a medicine to make him go to it.  
ON a time there did a young man come to Scogin to have a medicine, saying, Sir, I would have a medicine to make me go to it lustily, (he meant of Venus' acts) Scogin did give him an extreme purgation. The young man went to bed with his Leman. Within a while his belly began to rumble, and there was no remedy but he must needs go to it so long, that he did defile both the chamber & the bed, so that he and his leman bathed themselves that night in dirt, Wherefore it is good for all men, when they ask counsel of any man, to be plain in his words, and not to speak in parables.   

How Scogin gave one a medicine to make him find his horse.  
THere was a man that had lost his horse, & he came to master Scogin, & said, sir, I here say that you be a good Physician, and I have lost my horse, & would fain know a remedy how I might find out my horse. Scogin gave that man such a purgation, that he was constrained to run to every bush and hedge, and peaking so about here and there, at last he found his horse. Then he reported that Scogin was the best physician in the world.   

Scogin was robbed as he went to London.  
When Scogin did pretend to leave Oxford, he went to dwell at London: and as he went towards London, he met with théeues, and they robbed him. And when he came to London, he espied one of the théeues, and then he said to the sergeants of London, yonder man robbed me when I came from Oxford. The thief had spied Scogin talking with the sergeants, & fled his way. The sergeants followed the thief, the thief did run, and the sergeants after. One came to Scogin, and said, wherefore doth yonder men run so fast? Scogin said for a wager, but the foremost man hath won, for lately he had all my money from me. The sergeants cried hold the thief: the thief said, hold me not, I do run for a wager. And when he was within S. Martin's, he said, I have run well now, or else I had been hanged.   

Scogin told his wife he had parbraked a Crow.  
AFter a while that Scogin came to London, he married a young woman, taking her for a maid, as other men dee. At last he thought to prove his wife, and feigned himself sick. Oh good wife, says he, I will show you a thing, and if you will promise me to conceal it. His wife said, sir, you may tell me what you will, I were worse than accursed, if I should disclose your counsel: O wife said Scogin, I had a great pang to day in my sickness, for I did parbrake and cast out a Crow. A Crow, said she? Yea, said Scogin, God help me. Be of good comfort, said she, you shall recover and do well. Well wife, said Scogin, go to Church and pray for me: she went to the Church, and by & by one of her gossips met with her, and asked how her husband did. I wi● said she, a sore sick man he is, and like to die, for there is an evil sign and token in him. What is that Gossip said she? Nay by gisse, I will not tell it to any man alive. What said the woman, you may tell me, for I will never bewray your counsel: By gisse, said Scogins wife, if I wist that you would keep my counsel, I would tell you. Then said the woman, whatsoever you do tell, I will lay it dead under my feet. Oh said Scogins wife, my husband parbraked two Crows. Jesus, said the woman, I never heard of such a thing. This woman as she did meet with another gossip of hers, showed that Scogin had parbraked three crows. So it went from one gossip to another, that ere Matins were finished, all the parish knew that Scogin had parbraked twenty Crows. And when the Priest was ready to go into the Pulpit, one came to request him and all the Parish to pray for Scogin, for he had parraked twenty Crows. The Priest blessed him, and said to the Parishioners, I do pray you pray for Scogin, for he is in peril of his life, and hath parbraked 21 Crows. By and by one went to Scogin and said; sir, is it as it is spoken in the Church of you? What is that, said Scogin? The Priest said in the Pulpit that you parbraked 2● Crows: said Scogin, what a lie is this? By & by the bells were told for sacring, and Scogin hied him to Church lustily & merry, and when the men & women did see him in the Church, they looked upon one another, and marvelled of this matter. After Mass, Scogin asked what were they that should bring up such a tale upon him. At last the matter was so bolted out, that the original of the cause began at Scogins wife. Here a man may see, that it is hard to trust a woman with a man's secrets: wherefore it is good to prove a friend ere one have need.   

How Scogin caused his wife to be let blood.  
AFter that Scogins wife had played this aforesaid prank, she used so long to go a gossiping, that if her husband had spoken any word contrary to her mind, she would crow against him, that all the street should ring of it. Scogin thought it was time to break his wife of such matters, and said to her, I would you would take other ways, or else I will displease you. Displease me, said she, beware that you do not displease yourself: Yea, said Scogin, I will see tha● one day, how you will displease me: she still continued in opprobrious words: ●t last Scogin called her into a chamber, & took one of his servants with him, and said to her, Dame you have a little hot & proud blood about your heart, and in your stomach, and if it be not let out it will infect you and many more: therefore be content, there is no remedy, but that blood must been let out, I 〈◊〉 thee, said Scogins wife: (and was up in the house top) yea, said he, come said Scogin to his servant and let us bind her to this form: she scratched and clawed them by the faces, and spurned with her feet so long that she was weary: so at the last she was bound hand and foot to the form. Now said Scogin to his servant go fetch me a Surgeon, or a Barber that can let blood. The servant went and brought a Surgeon, Scogin said to him, sir, it is so that my wife is mad, & doth 〈◊〉 and I have been with Physicians, and they have counselled me to let her blood: she hath infectious blood about the hart, & I would have it out: sir said the surgeon, it shall be done. Sogin said, she is so mad that she is bound to a form. The better for that, said the surgeon: when Scogin and the surgeon entered into the chamber, she made an exclamation upon Scogin. Then said Scogin, you may see that my wife is mad. I pray you let her blood both in the arm and in the foot, and under the tongue: Scogin & his man held out her arm and they did open a vein named Cardica. When she had bled well, now stop that vein, said Scogin, and let her blood under the foot. When she saw that, sir said she, forgive me and I will never displease you hereafter: well said Scogin, if you do so, than I do think it shall be best for us both: by this tale it proveth that it is a shrewd hurt that maketh the body fare the worse, and an unhappy house where the woman is master.   

How Scogin and his wife made an Heir.  
ON a time they died in London, & Scogin & his wife did lie in the Country, & while he did lie there, he did purchase a copyhold, and went to ask counsel of a man of law, saying; I have purchased a copyhold, & I am come to ask your counsel, and I will give you for your labour: sir, said the man of law, your copy must be made 〈…〉 make as heir: sir said Scogin, in this matter I will go home, & ask counsel of my wife, and to morrow I will come again to you. Scogin went home & told his wife what the man of law had said, that the Copy must be made under the form of law, & that it were good to make an heir. Then Scogin said, wife let us go to bed, & we will make an heir by and by. They went to bed, & Scogin pulled the shéet & the clothes over his own head and his wives, and did let a great fart: now fist thou woman said Scogin, and we shall have an heir by & by: so long they lay together, that with stink they were almost choked. Ah, said Scogin to his wife, I will buy no more copyhold, for it is nought to make an heir. On the morrow Scogin went to the man of Law, saying, sir, be you ready to go to Westminster? wherefore said the man of law▪ Scogin said to make my copy: sir said the man of law, I can make it here in my house. Nay, said Scogin, you said to me yesterday that it must been made under the form of law, and in Westminster is the best form of law in England; and therefore let us go sit under one of those forms. Tush said the man of law, the copy must be made according to the law, and beside you & your wife, set in the copy one of your children, why said Scogin, you bade me make an heir, and I and my wife made such an heir in our beds yesternight, that she & I were almost poisoned: whereby it appears that mis-hearing of a tale, maketh misunderstanding therefore plain speech is best, although Scogin knew what was spoken, and turned it to a jest.   

How Scogin got the Abbot's horse.  
ON a time Scogin was sent for to the Abbot of Bury, to pastime with them, where he fell sick and like to die, whereupon he was shriven & would have been hoasted, and he durst not for fear of casting. T●e Abbot said, Crede & manducasti, that is to say, believe, and thou hast received. When Scogin recovered, the Abbot sent him his own horse to ride home on. Scogin sent not home the Abbot's horse, wherefore the Abbot sent for his horse, but Scogin answered the messenger, and said when I was sick at home with your Master. I would have received the holy Sacrament of the Altar, and he had me believe, & I had received the sacrament of the Altar: so in like manner, let him believe that he hath received his horse, and it is sufficient, and tell him his horse he shall never have: by this a man may perceive that a man should not lend his horse, nor his weapon, nor his wife to no man, if he love himself, or his own profit: for by it never cometh gains.   

How Scogin brought a dog's turd made in powder to the Apothecaries, to know what powder it was.  
When that Scogin did lie sick at Bury, he sent to the Apothecaries of London for many medicines, and some were bitter, and some were sour, and some sweet. When he was recovered and made whole, and at home in his own house, he walked about the fields, and found upon a molehill, a white dogs turd, he put it in a napkin, and after that he dried it in an oven, and made it into powder, and went to the Apothecaries in London, and said, my friend hath sent me a powder to eat, and I cannot tell what it is: the Apothecary tasted it, and they could not tell what powder it should be. At last he came to an old Apothecary, and said, sir I pray you tell me what powder this is. The old Apothecary tasted it, and spit it out again, and said, fie cocks dodykins, that is a turd. O good Lord, said Scogin, cunning is worth much money, your fellows here in the City have good mouths to taste lamp oil, and you have judged right. Here a man may see that diverse times a man shall not only have a shrewd turn, but a mock for his labour.   

How Scogin did draw a tooth-drawers tooth.  
ON a time there went a tooth-drawer round about the country, with a banner full of teeth (as blind Physicians and Surgeons do now adays) the which tooth-drawer said, he would draw out a tooth without any pain, which was false, for when he pulled out some men's teeth, he pulled out a piece of the cheekbone; & took many men's money, & did much harm, and little good At the last he came to Scogins house, & Scogin hearing of his doings, caused him to come in, and said, Sir you be called a cunning drawer of a tooth. I have pain in a tooth, and I would it were out of my head: sir, said the tooth-drawer, & you will, I will have it out without any pain. I pray you said Scogin, how will you do? sir, said he, I will raise the flesh about the tooth, and then with a strong thread I will pull it out: sir, said Scogin, I can pull out a tooth so: and because you say it is no pain to pull out a tooth so, I will first pull out one of your teeth. Nay sir, said the tooth-drawer, I have no pain in my teeth. Although you have not, said Scogin. I will pull a tooth out of your head, and if you have no pain, you shall have an Angel for your tooth: but if you have pain, you shall have nothing: sir, said the tooth-drawer, I will have none of my teeth pulled out. Scogin said to his servant, bring me a pair of manacles, for surely I will pull out one of thy teeth, ere that thou shall pull out one of mine; therefore sit down, and take it patiently, lest thou be put to greater pains. The tooth-drawer sat him down with an evil will, & Scogin did raise the flesh about the tooth-drawers tooth, that it was in such case, that the water did run down the tooth-drawers eyes. Scogin said, doth the water run forth of your eyes for joy, or else for pain? The tooth-drawer said for joy, for I trust to get an Angel of you, Be it, said Scogin. Scogin did knit a strong shreed about the 〈◊〉 ●oth-drawers tooth, and gave it a great twitch. Oh, said the tooth-drawer what do you feel pain, said Scogin? yea said th●●●oth-drawer, you pull not quickly. Then said Scogin, you have lost your angel: Nay, said the tooth-drawer: well, said Scogin, the tooth shall come now I trow, and Scogin did twitch and pull hard at the tooth, and pulled it out. Out alas said the tooth-drawer: Why said Scogin cry you out? Marry saith the tooth-drawer, the devil would cry out of this pain: Sir, said Scogin you taught me how I should do, and you have lost your Angel: and seeing your cunning is no better, I will have never a tooth pulled out now: and if you pull any of my neighbour's teeth after such sort as you have done, if you come in my walk, I will pull out all the teeth in your head. Eat and drink ere you go, and so farewell.   

How Scogin served the poor folks that came to his house to ask alms.  
WHiles Scogin did lie thus in the Country, there resorted to his house vagabonds and common beggars, and when he did see he could not be rid of them, he said; come this day fortnight, for than I do give money for my friend's soul. Scogin had an old barn, that was ready to fall down, and in the mean time he stopped all the holes with fir bushes, broom, old fern, and straw, and laid such trumpery about the barn. The day appointed, all the vagabonds and beggars in the Country resorted unto Scogins house, & as they did come, they wet put into the barn, and said they should have the● alms within a while. Scogin kept them fasting till three or four of the clock in the afternoon and then he commanded his servants privily 〈◊〉 set fire on the straw, & the furs round about th● bar●e, which was done. At last when the vaga● bonds & beggars did see that they were compasse● round with fire, they said one to another, we mu●● run through the fire in some place, or else we sha●● be burnt up: so some ran through the fire in on● place, and some in another, and durst not look behind them. Scogin cried, saying, ●ary whoreson whores, you have set my barn on fire, you shal● be hanged every one. They fled for fear, & never durst come again to Scogins house for alms Here a man may see every promise is kept, or els● broken, and it is good for every man to keep himself out of the danger of all men, and especially of great men.   

How Scogin came to the Court like a fool, and won twenty pounds with standing under a spout in the rain.  
When Scogin had dwelled in the country, he returned again to London, and fel● acquainted with Gentlemen of the King's privy chamber, which would feign that he should come to the Court, and they would bring him into the King's service. Scogin was more beholding to one Gentleman, then to all the other, and said to him, sir I will come to the Court like a dizzard or fool, and when that I come, I will ask for you, and when that we do meet, call me aside, that I may speak with you: so on a rainy day Scogin came to the Court like a fool, and the King's Porters asked what he would have, and he said my fellow sir Nevil: What manner of man is he, said the Porters? Scogin said, he hath a nose, and goeth up and down on two legs: Then said the Porters this is a stark Idiot fool, dost thou know thy master, said the Porter, and if thou se●st him? I know him, said Scogin, by his ●ap. Then said the Porters the one to the other, who do you think should be this fool's master? some said one, some said another; at the last one said, I trow he be Sir William Nevil's Foole. When Scogin heard him say so, he leapt about and did laugh. Then one of the Porters went to Sir William Nevil, and asked him if he had not a Foole. Yes said Sir William Nevil: marry said the Porter, it is a mad merry Foole. Yea, said Sir William Nevil, he is a very Jdest, he is not wise: Said the Porter, shall he come to you? Nay, said Sir William Nevil, I will go myself to the Foole. When Sir William Nevil and Scogin did meet, Sir William Nevil said, A Tom, how dost thou? (it reigned ●ore) and Scogin said, I cannot be in rest, for these knanes do pour water still upon me, and no man touched him, but the rain that fell down) Well Tom, said Sir William Nevil, come with me, and thou shalt go to the fire and dry thee. He brought him to his chamber, and then said Scogin to Sir William Nevil, go and say, you have a natural fool come to you, and if he were set under one of the spouts that do run so fast with rain water, he will not come out. And make some great wager with some great man, and lay down the money, that I will stand still under the spout, until the time that I be fetched away by you, for I lack money, and I care not, said Scogin to be wet. Then sir William went round about the Court with his fool, and another Knight met with him, and said, What, have you got a fool? yea, said Sir William Nevil, he is such a fool, that if he be set under one of these spouts of the leads that runneth now with rainwater, he will never come away, until I do fetch him out of it. It is not so, said the Knight: yes, said Sir William Nevil, and on that I will lay twenty pound: I hold it, said the Knight, lay down the money. Scogin was glad of that: then sir William Nevil said, Tom, come with me, and thou shalt have a fig. A fig fellow, said Scogin, where is it? Come said Sir William Nevil, and thou shalt see. He brought him under one of the spouts that did run with water, and said, here is water to wash thy fig, stand still & I will bring thee a fig by & by: Sir William Nevil departed, and Scogin stood so long under the spout, crying and calling for his fellow sir William Nevil, that the water ran out at his heels and his bréethes, as fast as it did fall into his neck, and upon his head and body, still calling & crying upon his fellow sir William Nevil. ●he Knight seeing this, thought he should lose his bargain, said to sir William Nevil Will you give me leave to entice him away by any craft or policy? yea, said sir William Nevil, I am pleased, do what you can, so that by no strength ou take him away: Nay said the Knight, that I will not. ●he knight went to Scogin and said, A Tom, thy Master hath left thee alone, and is dead, come with me to a fire, and dry thee. Tehée said Scogin, fellow ho, where art thou? why said the Knight, thy fellow is dead, come and eat figs with me. Nay said Scogin, 〈◊〉 y fellow will give me a better fig than you will. The Knight meant of a fig, but Scogin meant of the money that was laid on the bargain, in the which he did know that his part was, so that by no manner of means, nor policy, or craft, no man could get Scogin from standing under the spont. Every man pitied Scogin, and said, this ●●ole will dye under the spout than said the Knight and every man, go you master Neuil● and fetch him away, for it is a fool of all fools Then said Sir William Neuil●, if I fetch him away I have won the bargain. The Knight said, it is so. Then sir William Nevil went to Scogin, and as soon as Scogin had espied him, he leapt and danced under the spout, saying, hast thou brought my fig? no ●om, said Sir William Nevil but come with me, and thou shalt go to a fire. Nay said Scogin, give me a fig. Come with me, said Sir William Nevil and thou shalt have a fig. Sir William Nevil brought him to his chamber, where he had a good fire, and gave him the wager that was won.   

How Scogin leapt over the Tables when dinner was done.  
SCogin did mark the fashions of the Court, & amongst all other things, her did mark how men did leap over the table in the King's Hall, to sit down to dinner and supper, which is not used now. Scogin seeing this, that as many as did sit at the Table had meat, and they that stood in the hall beside, had none, all that time he made shift for himself. And when dinner was done, and all the tables taken up, Scogin set out trestles and leapt over them, and leapt over the tables, and leapt from one table to another, that every body marvelled what he meant. At last one did ask of him what he meant by leaping over the tables. Scogin said, I do learn against supper to leap to sit down, for he that cannot leap, getteth no meat here. Therefore to forecast, and some provision is good at all times.   

How Scogin gave one a Goose leg, that was given him, and afterward told him he had eaten an hundred lice.  
IN the Court one gave Scogin a goose leg, saying, hold Tom, eat this. He put it in his bosom. At last he came to one, and gave him the goose leg: and within a while after Scogin met with the man unto whom he had given the goose leg? & said to him: Hast thou eaten the goose leg? the man said, yea: Much good do it thee, said Scogin, thou hast eaten an hundred lice. The man took a conceit, & did cast up all his meat again. Here it is good to mark that a man believe not every word that another doth speak; for some do lie, some do jest, some do mock, and some do scorn, and many men do say the very truth.   

How Scogin swept a Lords Chamber.  
SCogin on a time was desired to sweep a Lords chamber, and when he had swept all the dust together, he threw it out against the wind, and the wind blew it again into his face. Then said Scogin to the wind, let me cast out my duff whoreson I say. Every man laughed at Scogin, seeing him to chide with the wind.   

How Scogin told those that mocked him, that he● had a wall eye.  
SCogin went up and down in the King's hall, and his hosen hung down, and his 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 awry, and his hat stood a booniour, so every man did mock Scogin, some said he was a proper man, and did wear his raiment cleanly: some said, the whoreson fool could not put on his own raiment: same said one thing and some said another: at last Scogin said, Masters, you have praised me well, but you did not espy one thing in me. What is that Tom, said the men? Marry said Scogin, I have a wall eye. What meanest thou by that, said the men? Marry, said Scogin, I have spied a sort of knaves that do mock me, and are worse fooles themselves.   

How Scogin drew his son up and down the Court.  
AFter this, Scogin went from the Court and put off his fool's garments, and came to the Court like an honest man, and brought his son to the Court with him, and within the Court he drew his son up and down by the heels. The boy cried out, and Scogin drew the boy in every corner. At last every man had pity on the boy, and said, sir, what do you mean to draw the boy about the Court? Masters, said Scogin, he is my son, and I do it for this cause; every man doth say, that that man, or child, which is drawn up in the Court, shall be the better as long as he lives: and therefore I will every day once draw him up and down the Court, after that he may come to preferment in the end.   

How Scogin greased a fat sow on the arse.  
SCogin had got a fat Sow, & killed her under the Court wall, besides the King's gate, he made a great fire, and got a great spit, & put the Sow on the spit, & roasted her, and bought twenty pounds of butter, and still he poured the butter with a ladle on the sow's buttocks divers men came to him, and said, why dost thou grease this fat sow on the arse? He said, I do as Kings and Lords, and every man else doth; for he that hath enough, shall have more, and he that hath nothing shall go without, and this sow needeth no basting nor greasing, for she is fat enough, yet shall she have more then enough.   

How the King gave Scogin a house to do what he would with it.  
SCogin through Sir William Nevil's procuration or preferment, was brought to the King's presence. The King said to him, Art thou he that did play the fool in my Court, and didst leaps to and fro in my Hall over the tables? Yea, and it like your Grace, said Scogin. And art thou he that did grease the fat sow on the arse? Yea, said Scogin. And why didst thou so? said the King: Scogin said, I do as your Grace doth, and all your Lords as well spiritual as temporal and as all rich men do, which do give to them that have enough, more than enough, and he which hath nothing, except he be an importunate craver, shall go without, and unless that he have some man to speak for him, he may go pipe in an Juy leaf. Why said the King, what living hast thou? Nothing, said Scogin, nor never a house of mine own to put my head in. Would God, said Scogin, that I might have some Cottage to dwell in. The King said, if thou wilt be my Servant, I will give thee a house in Cheapside. I thank your Grace, said Scogin, but I pray you give it me, so that I may do with my house what I will. Yea, said the King, make thy writings after thine own mind, with the best counsel that thou canst, and it shall be sealed. Scogin was glad of that, and he did make to do with his house what he would, his writings sealed with the King's sign Mannel. A little after the sealing, Scogin did buy a load of firres, and two load of straw, and did cause it to be cast down in Cheapside, before the house that the King did give him. divers men did marvel what it should mean. And within a while, Scogin with his men of Law, and other, did come to the house to take possession: so after the form of law he took possession. Then said Scogin, this house is old, and to pull it down were a great cost and charge; wherefore I will burn it up with these firres & straw: peradventure I will make of it a Church, or Chapel, that a Priest may sing for me, so long as the world doth continue. Go, said Scogin to his servants, & fetch me hither some men to carry into my house straw and firres: sir, said the good man of the house, I pray take a little respite, I have goods in your house, and you cannot burn your house, but you shall hurt the whole street. What is that to me, said Scogin, I have no charter of my life, I am about a charitable act for my soul's health: for charity first must be showed to a man's own self, and after that to his neighbour: sir, said the Merchant that was good man of the house, let it stand, and I and my neighbours will give you as much as it is worth. Nay, said Scogin, I will not sell it. ●hen said the Merchant, what shall I and my neighbours give you to let it stand still, and I will pay you more than it was rent for before? There goeth a bargain, said Scogin, go to all your neighbours, and bring me word what they will give me The neighbours did cast their heads together, & considering that he was (as they thought) in the King's favour, would gladly give him 40 pounds. When Scogin heard these tidings, he was glad, and said, come bring me the money, and I am contented that my house shall stand still, so that it may be over rent according to my tenants promise. Thus Scogin by policy got money.   

How Scogin played horse play in the Q. chamber.  
SCogin said on a time to the Queen then being, Madam, and it like your Grace, will you have horse play played in your chamber? Yea, said the Queen. Scogin untrussed his points, and put down his breeches, as if he would have bewrayed the chamber, and then kicked with his héeled, and said, wehée. Then he said to his servant, come and comb me here, and then turn and kick and winse with thy heels, and say, wehee. Out knave, said the Queen, out of my chamber. Scogin went out of the chamber, saying, That he did it not, but by her leave; and with her leave he might do her a great piece of service. After that the Queen would have no more horseplay in her chamber. Therefore it is good for a man to know what will happen, before he give leave to a business.   

How Scogin let a fart, and said it was worth forty pounds.  
THat time that Scogin was conversant, both in the King's chamber, and in the Queens, Scogin would peak here and there, about in the Queen's chamber, or lodging: the Queen by custom, (as most commonly all great women, and Ladies, and Gentlewomen do:) she let a fart, saying, the same is worth to me twenty pound. Scogin hearing this, girt out a fa●t like a horse or mare, saying, if that fart be so dear of twenty pound, my fart is worth forty pounds. Pere a man may see, that a knave may do that which an honest man may not speak.   

How Scogin asked of the King five hundred oaks.  
ON a time Scogin said to the King then being, and if it shall please your Grace to give me five hundred Oaks to build me a house in the country, I were much bound to your Grace. The king said, will not an hundred Okes serve thee? Yes & it like your Grace, said Scogin, it would do me good ease. Well said the King, as for an hundred Oaks thou shalt have with the better. I do thank your Grace, said Scogin, for if I had asked but an hundred Oaks at the first, I had had but twenty. Therefore it is good to ask enough of great men, for than he shall have somewhat.   

How Scogin would have made a shepherd ask him blessing.  
ON a certain time the King road a progress, and Scogin road with the King, and as they did ride, Scogin spied a shepherd, and then he said to the King, I will make yonder shepherd to ask me blessing, for I will face him down that I am his godfather. Let me see that said the King. Scogin did prick forth his horse, and saluted the shepherd, saying, Good fellow where wert thou borne? He said in Lewksbury. Yea, said Scogin, I do know that better than thou dost, for I am thy Godfather, I am he that did lift thee from the cold water. Nay, not so, said the fellow, I know my Godfather. Scogin said, I am one of them, therefore sit down on thy knees, and ask me blessng, and thou shalt have a groat. Nay, said the Shepherd, I will none of your groat, nor I will not sit down on my knees: No, said Scogin, if thou wilt not sit down and ask me blessing, I will make thee; therefore do it by saire means. I will, said the shepherd, ask of thee no blessing. Scogin leapt down off his horse, and drew out his woodknife, saying, sit down thou old knave, and do thy duty to thy godfather. The shepherd said, put up thy knife, or else I will bless thee with me shéep-hook, yea, said Scogin, that would I fain see: Scogin did fly at the shepherd, and the shepherd at him, that at the last Scogin did bear off the shepherd's blows with his head and shoulders, & elbows. The King seeing that Scogin had the worst, said, stand to him Scogin, stand to him Scogin. Scogin answered the King, I would you stood as nigh to him as I do: for than he would not only beat out all the dust in your coat, but make some of your jingles fly about your face. Scogin was weary of his god-fathership, and ran to his horse. The shepherd followed him, and gave him three or four good stripes over the back & shoulders, saying, take your leave good godfather of your child are you go. Scogin leapt upon his horse, and road to the King. Then the King said to Scogin, have you given your blessing to your godson, or hath your godson blessed you? I hen said Scogin. a man cannot have a shrewd turn, but he must be also mocked for his labour. Here a man may see, that diverse times a man may do a thing in sport, and at the last it doth turn into good earnest.   

How Scogin gave a Cowherd forty shillings to teach him his cunning in the weather.  
ON a time as Scogin was riding to the Abbot of Bury, he asked of a Cowherd how far it was to Bury. The Cowherd said twenty miles. May I, said Scogin, ride thither to night: Yea, said the Cowherd, if you ride not too fast, & also if you ride not a good pace, you will be wet ere you come half way there. As Scogin was riding on his way, he did see a cloud arise that was black, and being afraid to be wet, he spurred his horse and did ride a great pace, and riding so fast, his horse stumbled and strained his leg, & might not go. Scogin revolving in his mind the Cowherds words, did set up his horse at a poor man's house, and returned to the Cowherd, supposing that he had been a good Astronomer, because he said, if you ride not too fast, you may be at Bury to night, and also if you do not ride fast, you shall be wet ere you come there. Scogin said to the Cowherd, what shall I give thee to tell me, when I shall have rain or fair weather? There goeth a bargain said the Cowherd: what wilt thou give me? Scogin said, twenty shillings. Nay said the Cowherd for forty shillings I will tell you and teach you, but I will be paid first. Hold the money said Scogin. The Cowherd said, Sir do you see yonder Cow with the cut tail? Yea, said Scogin: sir, said the Cowherd, when that she doth begin to set up her rump, & draw to a hedge or bush, within an hour after you shall have rain: therefore take the Cow with you, and keep her as I do, and you shall ever be sure to know when you shall have fair weather or foul. Nay said Scogin, keep thy Cow still, and give me twenty shillings of my money. That is of my gentleness said the Cowherd, howbeit you seem to be an honest man, there is twenty shillings. Here a man may see, that wit is never good till it be bought.   

How a man told Scogin, that he thought the building of Paul's cost forty shillings.  
ON a time a poor man did come to London, to speak with Scogin, and Scogin had him to Paul's Church to talk with him, & both walked round about the Church: the poor man said, here is a goodly Church. Yea, said Scogin, what do you think it cost making? The poor husbandman said, I trow it cost forty shilling. Yea, said Scogin that it did, and forty shilling thereto. Ho there said the poor man. Here a man may see, that little portion of money is a great sum in a poor man's purse, and he that is ignorant in a matter, should be no judge.   

Of him that thought Paul's steeple had been so high, that one might look over it.  
THis aforesaid poor man desired that he might see Paul's steeple, that every one said was so high. Scogin had the man into Finsbury field, & showed him Paul's, saying; yonder is Paul's steeple. Tush, said the man, is that so high a steeple: a man may look over it. The poor man thought it had been so high, that no man might see or look over it. And thus you may see what the effect of simplicity is.   

How Scogin desired the King that he might say, Aue Maria gratia plena, Dominus tecum, in his ear at certain times.  
ON a certain time Scogin went to the king's Grace, and did desire that he might come to him diverse times and sound in his ears, Aue Maria gratia plena, Dominus tecum. The King was content he should do so except he were in great business Nay, said Scogin, I will mark my time: I pray your Grace that I may do thus this twelvemonth, I am pleased said the King. Many men were suitors to Scogin to been good to them, and did give him many gifts and rewards of gold and silver, and other gifts, so that within the year, Scogin was a great rich man: so when this year was out, Scogin desired the King to break his fast with him. The King said, I will come. Scogin had prepared a Table for the King to break his fast, and made him a goodly Cubboor● of plate of gold and silver, and he had cast over all his beds and tables, and co ners of his chamber full of gold and silver: when the King did come thither, and see so much plate, and gold, and silver, he asked of Scogin where he had it, and how he did get all this treasure? Scogin said, by saying the Aue Maria in your ear, and seeing I have got so much by it, what do they get that be about your Grace daily, and be of your counsel, when that I with six words speaking have gotten so much? He must needs swim that is held up by the chin.   

How Scogin chalked out his wife the way to Church.  
ON a time Scogins wife desired him that he would let her have a man to go before her when she went abroad, or to Church. Why said Scogin, know you not the way to the Church? The next sunday he arose betime in the morning and took a piece of chalk, and made a strike all along the way from his house to the Church. When his wife would go to the Church, she desired him again that one of his servants might go before her to Church. It shall not need said Scogin, for if you follow this chalk it will bring you the right way to the Church door: so Scogins wife was fain to go to Church without a 〈◊〉   

How Scogin desired of the Queen to know whether riches would not tempt men, and especially women.  
ON a time Scogin was jesting with the Queen, and said, Madam, riches, as gold, silver, precious stones, and dignity do tempt men, and especial women very sore, and cause women to fall to lechery and folly. The Queen said, a good woman would never been tempted with gold or silver, or other riches. I pray you Madam, said Scogin, if there were a goodly Lord or a Knight, that would give you forty thousand pound to dally with you, what would you say to it? The Queen said if any man living would give an hundred thousand pounds, I would not lose my honesty for it. Then said Scogin, what if a man did give you an hundred thousand thousand pounds, what would you do? I would said the Queen, do no folly for so much. Then said Scogin, what if a man did give you this house full of gold? The Queen said, a woman would do much for that. Lo, said Scogin, if a man had goods enough, he might have a sovereign Lady. For the which words the Queen took high displeasure with Scogin. Wherefore it doth appear, that it is not good jesting with Lords or Ladies: for if a man be plain, or do tell the truth, he shall be shent for his labour.   

How Scogin when he should have been beaten amongst the Ladies and Gentlemomen, bad the strongest whore of them all give the first stroke.  
THe Queen taking high displeasure with Scogin, desired of the King to have Scogin punished, The King said, punish him as it shall please you. The Queen said to her Ladies and Gentlewomen, get every one of you a napkin, & lay a stone in it, and let half of you stand at the one side of the chamber, & the other half at the other side, & when that Scogin shall come through, you shall strike him with your stones. Scogin was sent for, and he seeing the Queen, & the Ladies, and the Gentlewomen, standing at every side on a row, Scogin said, shall we have here a play, or a procession? Nay knave said the Queen, thou hast diverse times played the knave with me, and I have licence of the King to punish thee as I shall think best: wherefore come hither to me, for every Lady and Gentlewoman that is here, shall beat thee with stones. God forbid, said Scogin, for than you will kill me; it were better that I did beat you with stones. But Madam, ere I have this great punishment, let me speak a few words shall I put off my raiment, and come naked among you? No, not so said the Queen, come through as thou art. And if I go through you, said Scogin, I shall kill you. Come forth said the Queen. I come said Scogin, & the strongest whore of you all strike the first stroke. The Ladies & the Gentlewomen looked one upon another, one said I am no whore, the other said, I am as honest of my body as the best of you all, so there fell a contention among them Then Scogin said, Madam & it like your Grace, will you command me any more service? Go knave said the Queen, & bid thy wife come & speak with me. Scogin said, & it like your Grace my wife cannot hear, except you speak very high: let her come said the Queen, and I will deal with her well enough.   

How Scogins wife came to the Queen, and how Scogin was banished the Court.  
WHen Scogins wife came to the Court, she was brought to the Queen, the Queen with a high voice said to Scogins wife, art thou Scogins wife? Scogin had showed his wife before that the Queen could not hear, & she cried out to the Queen, & said, yea Madam, I am Scogins wife. The Queen cried out to Scogins wife, and said, if thou been no honester than thy husband, it is pity that thou shouldest live, wherefore counsel him that he do not rail so largely as he doth with me. Scogins wife cried out to the Queen, saying and it like your Grce he will not be ruled by me: why dost thou cry out so loud said the Queen? Madam, said Scogins wife, my husband showed me, that you could not hear. Why what a knave is that, said the Queen, he told me that thou couldst not hear. Alas, said Scogins wife, I ask you merry, for I had thought you could not hear. Well, said the Queen, I will be even with the varlet thy husband, for mocking thee & me. Whereupon the Queen went to the King, saying; I pray your Grace that you would banish Scogin from the Court. The King sent for Scogin, & said thou hast displeased the Queen, wherefore I do banish thee the Court, & if thou do come hither any more, my hounds and dogs shall be set upon thee. Scogin went his way, and within two or three days he had got a quick hare & was going to the Court: when the King's servants had espied him, they showed the King that Scogin was come to the Court. The King said; take all the hounds and dogs, and set them upon Scogin. Every man did run, some with hounds, and some with dogs. Scogin made no great haste. When the King's servants had espied him, they did maintain their dogs to run at Scogin. When the hounds were nigh Scogin, he cast before them the quick Hare, and said to the hounds; Now, now, whoresons. The Hounds espied the Hare, and followed her, and left Scogin: so Scogin went to the Court, and the Hare escaped from the Hounds. The King's servants showed what Scogin had done, whereupon the King sent for Scogin, and said, thou didst cast a Hare before my Dogs, when they were set upon thee, go and look out the said Hare, or else thou shalt suffer death. The said Scogin, I can get you another quick Hare, but it will been hard for me to find out the self same Hare. I will have the self same Hare said the King: why said Scogin, I cannot tell where, or whither I should go to look him. The King said, thou must look him as well where he is not, as where he is. Well said Scogin, than I trust to find him out: Scogin in the morning did go upon the Kings leads, & took with him a pickare and a great beetle, and over the King he tore up the leads, and did beat down the battlement: some of the privy chamber seeing this, went to Scogin, and said; what art thou doing thou mad fellow? What am I doing, said Scogin, I am doing the King's commandment. Why said the Gentleman, the King did not command thee to cast down his palace. Well said Scogin, if I do otherwise then I was commanded to do, show your mind to the King. The Gentleman went to the King, and said; Did you command Scoggin to cast down the battlement of your place, and to pull up your Lead? Nay said the King. The Gentleman said, that Scogin was making a foul work upon the leads. Go said the King, & bid him come speak with me. Scogin came to the King, which said to him, why dost thou pull up my lead, & cast down the battlement of my place? Scogin said, I was doing your commandment. My commandment said the king? yea said Scogin, & it like your Grace, for yesterday you did command me upon pain of my life, to look out the Hare that I did cast among your hounds, & I said, I could not tell where I should look him: and you said, I must look him as well where he was not, as where he was: and peradventure he is crept under the leads of this place, or else some other of your places; and I will seek & search all the places in England, but I will find out the Hare. Nay, said the King, thou shalt not do so, for I charge thee upon pain of thy death, to go out of my Realm, and to tread upon none of my ground here in England.   

How Scogin in the French Kings Court, came to a Gentlewoman's door, and whined like a dog.  
WHen Scogin was thus commanded by the King, he got him into France, into the French Kings Court, & there he jested. And first there was a Gentleman which made a gentlewoman promise to come to her bed at nine a clock at night, he did promise to come to her chamber door, and would scrape & s●rtch at the door like a dog, and would whine. Scogin hearing this bargain, before nine a clock came to the door, and scrapped with his nails, and did whine like a dog. Then the Gentlewoman did rise and let him in; within a little while after, the Gentleman did come, and scrape & whine at the door like a dog. Scogin arose and went to the door, and said, are, are, like another dog. And after that, the french Gentlewoman did love and Englishman. Wherefore in such matters, let a man make no body of his counsel, lest he be deceived.   

How Scogin told the French men he would fly into England.  
ON a time Scogin made the Frenchmen believe that he would fly into England, and did get him many goose wings, and tied them about his arms and legs, and went upon an high tower, and spread his arms abroad as though he would fly, and came down again, and said, that all his feathers were not fit about him, and that he would fly on the morrow. On the morrow he got him up upon the Tower, and there was much people gathered together to see him fly. Scogin did shake his feathers, and said, all my feathers be not fit about me, come to morrow, & I will fly. On the morrow Scogin got upon the Tower, and did shake his feathers, saying, Go home fools, go home, trow you that I will break my neck for your pleasure? nay, not so. There was a French man had indignation at Scogin and he said, to morrow you shall see me fly to Paris. And he got him wings, and went up upon the Tower, and spread his wings abroad, and would have flown, and fell down into the mote under the Tower. Every man was diligent to get the man out of the water, and Scogin did take him by the hand, and said, sir you be welcome from Paris. I think you have been in a great rain. Here a man may see that one cannot have a shrewd turn in playing the fool, but he shall have a mock for his labour.   

How Scogin prayed to a Rood for an hundred French Crowns.  
When Scogin was at Paris, he went to a Church, & kneeled down before the Rood, and made his prayers as hereafter followeth: O thou most blessed God, whom I have honoured & served all my life, take so much pity on me, as to give me but a hundred french crowns, for now my need is so great that I must needs have so much, & no less, for if I have but one less, I will not take it. Scogin still continued his prayers, & would have no less than a hundred french crowns The Parson of the Church was in the Roodloft, and heard all his prayers, and thought he would try him, whether he would do as he said or no, and went & did stand behind the Rood, and cast down before Scogin one French Crown: Scogin seeing this, was glad, and said; O thou most blessed Lord, thou knowest that this will do me but little pleasure. Scogin continued still in his prayers, and desired the Rood to cast him down the rest, declaring what great need he had. At the last when he saw there would no more be cast down, he said, perchance, O Lord, thou hast no more money here now, and therefore I will take this in part of payment, till thou hast more store: for I know, O most blessed Lord, that thou art so pitiful a Lord, that if thou hadst so much here, I should have it, and then he took up the french Crown and went his way. When the Parson saw this, he repented him that he had cast down the French Crown, and said; If I had thought thou wouldst have had it, I would not have cast it down to lose it so easily.   

How Scogin was new christened, and confirmed a knave by the French Bishop.  
THere was a Bishop in France, which was of the French kings Privy Counsel. This Bishop had a man, whose name was Peter Arcadus: This Peter Arcadus favoured Scogin much because he was so merry, in so much, that he got Scogin to be his chamberfellow, through whose procuration Scogin came in favour with the Bishop. And on a time, Scogin in his jesting said, that the Bishop's nose was so long, that he could kiss no body: for which the Bishop was angry, and commanded him to come no more within his gates. Then Scogin went and bought a couple of Woodcocks, and because he could not be suffered to come in at the Bishop's gate, he got a long pole or rafter, the which he laid over the mote or ditch of the Bishop's house, intending to come unto the Bishop, and give him the woodcocks for a present. As Scogin was half way over the rafter slipped, and he fell into the Mote: at last, Scogin got out, and came in where he found the Bishop at dinner, and said; If it please your honour, here I have brought you a couple of Woodcocks. The Bishop seeing him, said, why thou knave, I commanded thee to come no more within thy gates. Scogin said, I came not in at your gates, for I came over your mote, where I was new christened, and now you have confirmed me a knave, so by this means I must needs be a knave: Therefore I desire you my Lord, not to be displeased, although I play the knave. Where at the Bishop and all that were in the house laughed, and then the Bishop said, I will pardon you for this time, so that hereafter you will be an honest man.   

How Scogin deceived a Doctor of Physic.  
THere was one Master Cranwood a Doctor of Physic in Paris, and he in a morning did fetch from a Goldsmith a silver Cup, the which he had bargained for the day before, and he paid for it 26 french crowns, the which when he came home, he delivered to his wife, and bade her set it up in her bubbord, and he told her he would go visit his patients All this Scogin saw, and drew so near to the Doctor, that he heard what he did say to his wife, and when he was gone to his patients, Scogin went to the market and bought a Pickerel, for it was on a sriday, and came to mistress Cranwood the Doctor's wife, and said, Mistress, your Husband here hath sent you here a Pickerel, which he doth desire you to make ready against dinner, for he intendeth to have one of his friends to dine with him to day, and he prayeth you to send him by me the silver cup that he bid you set up in your Cubboord, for he will have the Goldsmith grave his name in it. Mistress Cranwood delivered to Scogin the Cup, who incontinent went home to his chamber-fellow Peter, and told him what he had done. When the Doctor came home, and did see such good cheer, he asked his wife where she had the Pickerel: she smiled on him, and said, sir you know well enough, for you sent it me in the morning by him that brought you your silver Cup. Why said the Doctor, I sent you no Pickerel, nor no body brought me my silver cup: yes that you did, said his wife, for he that came for it, said, that you would have your name graven in it. When the Doctor did perceive that he was deceived of his Cup, he began to chafe with his wife, and at the last said, I trow he might well give a Pickerel, seeing he hath for it my silver Cup, which cost 26 Crowns.   

How Scogin and three or four more deceived Tapster.  
ON a night Scogin and his chamber-fellow and two or three of the Bishop's servants being merrily disposed, consult how they might have good cheer and pay no money, and every one invented a way as they thought best. At las● Scogin said, I have invented a cleanly shift: At the sign of the Crown against Peter's Church, is a new Tapster, which ere this hath not seen any of us, and he is also purblind, so that if he see us hereafter, he cannot know us Therefore we will go thither and make good cheer, and when we have a reckoning, we will contend who shall pay all, then will I say to avoid the contention, that the Tapster shall be blinded, and we will run round about him, and whosoever he catcheth first let him pay for all, and so we may escape away. Every man liked Scogins device best, so in conclusion they came thither, and had good cheer, for they spared no cost: so that in the end their reckoning drew to ten shillings. Then as Scogin had devised afore they did. The Tapster was blinded, so they ran round about him, and fist Scogin got out, and then another, so that at the last they got all away, and left the tapster groping in every place about the house for him that should pay the shot. The master of the house being in a chamber next to the place where they were, and hearing the stamping that they made, came in to see what they did, whom the Tapster caught in his arms, saying, sir you must pay the reckoning. Marry said his Master, so I think I must indeed, for here is no body else to pay it. Then the Tapster and his Master sought and enquired for Scogin, and the rest, but they could neither ●nd them, nor hear news of them.   

How Scogin deceived the Poulter's wife.  
ON a time the aforesaid Bishop should feast diverse French Lords, and he gave unto Peter Archadus (Scogins chamber-fellow) twenty French Crowns to bestow at the Poulters, in Feasant, Partridge, Ploner, Quail, Woodcock, Lark and such other: and because Scogins chamber-fellow had great business to do, he wrote all such things as he would have bought in a bill, and desired Scogin to bestow the money, who was well contented. When Scogin had this money, he imagined in his mind how he might deceive some Poulter, and so to have the money to himself. At last he came to a Poulter in Paris, and said, sir, it is so that my Master the Abbot of Spilding, doth feast a great many of his friends, and I must have so many of every sort of your wares as is mentioned in this bill, therefore I pray you lay them out quickly, and let the bill be prised reasonably, and to morrow in the morning I will fetch them, and you shall have your money. The wares were laid out and prized, and the sum came to six pound and odd money. Then on the morrow Scogin did come to the Poulter, and asked if every thing were ready. Yea, said the Poulter, & here is your bill reasonably prized. Then said Scogin, let some body go with me for to receive your money: the Poulter said, my wife shall go with you. Scogin went to S. Peter's Church, where there was a Priest that had on his Albe, and was ready to go to Mass: Scogin went to the Priest, and said; Master, here is a woman that will not be persuaded that her Husband ought to be her head, and I have brought her to you, to the intent you should persuade her. The Priest said, he would do what he could. I thank you, said Scogin. Then Scogin came to the woman, and said, if you will have your money, come to my Master, and hear what he doth say. Then Scogin came to the Priest, and said, Master, here is the woman, will you dispatch her after Mass is done? yea, said the Priest. Then said Scogin to the woman, you hear what my master doth say, therefore I pray you send me by some token whereby I may receive the wares. The woman sent him by a true token, and then Scogin did hire two Porters, and did fetch away all the wares from the Poulter's house, and did carry it to his chamber: when mass was done, the Priest called the Poulter's wife unto him, and asked why she would not acknowledge her husband to be her head? Why, said the woman, I cannot tarry to reason of such matters, therefore I pray you to pay me my money, that I were gone: wherefore said the Priest? the woman said, for wares that your man hath received. What man, said the Priest? he that spoke to you when you went to mass: the Priest said, he is none of my man, and he said to me, that you would not be persuaded that your husband ought to be your head. What master Abbot said the woman, you shall not mock me so, I must have 6 pound & 8 shillings of you for wares that your man hath received, for you promised to pay me when you went to mass. I am no Abbot, said the Priest, nor none of my men never received any thing of you, nor I promised nothing when I went to mass, but that I would persuade you to obey your Husband, who ought to be your head, and so the Priest went his way. The woman perceiving that she was deceived, went home to see if Scogin had received the ware and he had received them, and was gone an hour before. Then both she and her husband sought for Scogin, but they could not find him.   

How Scogin deceived the Draper.  
WHen Scogin should be made Master of Art, he wanted money to buy his apparel, and he mused in his mind what shift he might make. At last he went to London to a Draper, and said, sir, it is so, that I have a master which is Deane of Wells, and he would have four gown clothes of sundry colours, but they must been sad colours, and fine cloth, and he must have three pair of hose clothes and lining; and I pray you make me a bill of the price of every thing, and to morrow you shall have money. On the morrow in the morning Scogin went to Paul's Church, & he did see a lusty Priest come in with two or three servants, and did ask where he might say mass, & when the place was appointed, Scogin did run to the Draper, & said, Sir, you must come or send one to receive your money, for my master will say mass, & then in all hast he must go to West m●nster, therefore let one of your servants cut off the cloth. The Draper & Scogin went to Paul's, and by that time the Priest had on his Alte, ready to go to mass. Scogin went to the Priest, & said, master, it is so, that I have a friend here which is troubled with a chincough, and he & I desire you that after mass he may have three sups of the chalice, & for your pains he doth pray you to come to him to breakfast. The Priest said, I am pleased, I will do your desire Then Scogin went to the Draper, & said, sir, come & hear what my master doth say. Then Scogin said to the Priest, master, here is the Gentleman, will you dispatch him when mass is done? yea, said the Priest. Then said Scogin, here is your bill of accounts, now send me to your servants, by what token I shall receive that which my master hath bought. The Draper said, by the same token that I did tell them yesternight, that if they would not take heed in time, they should never thrive. Upon this token all the stuff was delivered to Scogin, and he carried it to the Carriers, and sent it to Oxford. When the mass was done, the Priest called the Draper, & said, Gentleman come hither to me, if you will have 3 sups of the chalice, sit down on your knees. Why, said the Draper, should I sup of the Chalice? and wherefore shall I sit down on my knees? Marry sir, said the Priest, your servant, as I suppose, did come to me before mass, saying, that you had the chincough, and that you would have three sups of the chalice, to be mended of your disease. The Draper said, Master Deane of Welles, you shall not mock me so, I must have 13 pound of you for clothes that your servant hath of me for four gown clothes, & three hose clothes, and lining for them, & here is a bill of every parcel, & you said before mass that I should have it. What, said the Priest? Money, said the Merchant. Nay, not so, said the Priest, I am not Deane of Welles, nor I never bought nor sold with you, & you shall have no money of me, for I promised nothing before mass, but 3 sups of the chalice, & if thou wilt have that, take it, or else fare ye well. A fart for thy 3 sups of the chalice, said the Draper give me my money. I owe thee none, said the Priest, nor none shalt thou have of me. The Merchant could not tell what to say, but hied himself home to seek for Scogin, which was gone. Then said the Draper, I trow we have spun a fair thraed, where is the man that should have the cloth? The servants said, sir, he hath it, and is gone. Which way, said the Merchant? We cannot tell, said his servants. Why, said the Draper, did you deliver him all the stuff? yes, sir, said they, because you sent us a true token. Then said the ●raper, I would I had been ware myself first, for if I make many such bargains I shall never thrive.   

How Scogin told a shoemaker he was not at home.  
THere was a shoemaker in Paris, which was a widower, and he was not very wise, of him Scogin bought all his shoes, and on a time Scogin came to the shoemakers house to speak with him. The shoemaker was at dinner, and bad his maid say that he was not at home. Scogin by the maids answer perceived that her master was within, but for that time he dissembled the matter, and went home: shortly after the shoemaker came to Scogins chamber, & asked for him; Scogin hearing the shoemaker inquire for him, said aloud, I am not at home. Then said the shoemaker, what man think you that I know not your voice? why, said Scogin, what an unhonest man are you: when I came to your house, I believed your maid that said, you were not at home, and you will not believe me mine own self.   

How the aforesaid shoemaker gave Scogin forty shillings to have his house made greater.  
THe aforesaid shoemaker married a rich widow, whereby his household was greatly increased. And on a time Scogin came thither, and seeing that he had so many servants, and much household scuffe heaped up in every corner of his house, said that he had need have a greater house. Yea, said the shoemaker, I would spend forty shillings that the house were butthrée yards brother: Scogin said, give me the money, and you shall have it made as broad as you will. Hold said the shoemaker, here is the money. Then Scogin caused one of the shoemaker's horses to be tied to the house side, and got a chair with wheels in the feet, wherein he bade the shoemaker sit, and said, when the house is as you would have it, speak. Scogin bad one of the shoemakers men that he should make the horse draw a little, and he himself stood behind the shoemaker, and ever as the horse drew, Scogin would pull the chair to him that the shoemaker did sit in, and asked him if the house were broad enough yet. The shoemaker for the noise that the horse made with drawing, and for Scogins talking, did not perceive how Scogin did pull the chair, but thought that the horse did pull the house broader. When Scogin had drawn the chair a good way, the shoemaker said, this side is broad enough, now let the other side be drawn out as much. Then Scogin tied the horse to the other side of the house, and turned the chair, and caused the shoemaker to sit in it again, and did as he had done before, & drew the chair a good way back, saying is the house broad enough yet? the shoemaker said, yea; I thank you it is as broad as I would have it. Then Scogin had the shoemaker's man set up his horse, & he took his chair and went his way.   

How the shoemaker would have made his house greater, and broke down the one side of it.  
Within two or three days after this, the shoemaker thought to make his house greater, & caused the horse to be tied to the house side again & he himself sat down in a chair in the midst of the house, to see when it was broad enough, and bad one of his men to make the horse draw. The horse pulled, but the house was never the broader. Then the shoemaker caused another horse to be tied to the house side. Then both the horses drew so much, that they pulled down four or five posts of the house, which caused the tiles to fall, so that the shoemaker's head was broken in two or three places. Then the shoemaker was fain to bestow a great deal of money in mending his house, and at the Surgeons for healing his head. After this he met with Scogin, and told him what a great mischance he had. Why said Scogin, when it was well you could not let it alone.   

How Scogin told the French King that he could not do two things at once.  
ON a time the French King and Scogin did ride together, and the King said to Scogin, why dost thou not speak? Why sir, said Scogin, will you have me do two things at once? will you have me ride and speak too? nay, said he, that were too much: for it is hard to serve two Lords, and two Masters, and please doth the parties.   

How the French King had Scogin into his house of office, and showed him the King of England's picture.  
ON a time when the French King went to his stool, he did take Scogin with him: then said the French King to Scogin, look behind thee who is pictured on the wall. Scogin looked, and said; it is a fair picture. The King said thou mayst see what I do make of a picture of thy King. Scogin beheld the picture of the King of England, and said to the French King; Jesus Christ, here is a wonderful thing, what would you do if you did see the King of England in the face as he is, when that for fear you do beshit yourself, when that you look but upon a picture of him? Then the French King banished Scogin out of France, and he came into England again.   

How Scogin put French earth into his shoes, and came into England.  
WHen Scogin was banished out of France he filled his shoes full of French earth, and came into England and went into the King's Court, and as soon as he came to the Court, the King said to him, I did charge thee that thou shouldest never tread upon my ground of England: It is true, said Scogin, and no more I do. What Traitor, said the King, whose ground is that thou standest on now. Scogin said, I stand upon the French Kings ground, and that you shall see, and first he put off the one shoe, and it was full of earth, than said Scogin this earth I brought out of France: Then said the King, I charge thee never to look me more in the face.   

How Scogin came to Cambridge, and how he deceived the poor folks.  
AFter the King had commanded Scogin to look him no more in the face, he went to Cambridg●●▪ and through one Master Euerid that was his friend, he got him a chamber in jesus College: so on a time about Mid-summerfaire he lacked money, and at last he got him a pair of crutches, and a patched Cloak, and took a cord, and bound up one of his legs behind him, and went to Barnwell with his crutches, like as if he had lacked one leg, and came among the poor folks like a stout beggar And after he had been there a little while, he would needs keep all the money that was gotten, and at the end of the fair, he said, it should be parted equally among them all. At last with much ado they were contented: so when the fair was almost ended, Scogin said to the poor folk, I must go into that corn and ease me, and I will come again by and by. Scogin went into a Rye land, and put off his cloak, and untied the cord that he had bound his leg with, and ran as fast as he could to jesus College. The poor folks espied him, and followed after him as fast as they could: some that had not gone without crutches a long time before, had almost overtaken him. Scogin was there before them, and had the key of his chamber, and had put on other apparel, by that time the poor folks were come to the College, and were searching in every place for him. At last Scogin came out of his chamber to them, and said; what do you all here? Marry, said they, there is a naughty man that hath deceived us of all that we have gotten this Fair time, and he came running into this College, and for him do we seek. What manner of man is he, said Scogin? sir, said one of them, if your mastership would not be angry, I would say you were as like him as ever any man might be. Well, said Scogin, you must get you away, for you let us of our study. The poor folks went their way, cursing him a hundred times that had so deceived them.   

How Scogin road to Newcastle with Master Euerid, and what talk he had with a fellow that kept Oxen.  
AFter that Scogin had been at Cambridge a little while, his friend Master Euerid would go to Newcastle, (to take possession of certain houses) and he said to Scogin; If you will go with me to Newcastle, I will bear your cost and charges. Scogin was content, and went with him, and when they were within twelve miles of Newcastle, Scogin did see a fellow that was keeping of Oxen, that sat under a bush clouting of his shoes. Scogin said to the fellow, How far is it to Newcastle? I cannot tell said the fellow. Then said Scogin what is it a clock? The fellow said, he could not tell. Then said Scogin, what Town is this before us? I cannot tell, said the fellow. Then Scogin thought he had been a fool, and said, didst thou not see an empty cart come by this way, with two great millstones in it? The fellow said, no. Then Scogin laughed, and was riding away. The fellow called him again, and said; Sir, I did not see no such cart as you ask for, come this way, but here came a naked boy by, with a white loaf in his bosom, and a straw in his arse to pick your teeth. Scogin road his way, and said nothing, whereat Master Euerid and his men laughed.   

What shift Scogin made for boots, and how he deceived two shoemakers.  
When Scogin should ride home again his boots were nought, and he could not tell what shift to make. At last he devised what he might do: whereupon he sent his man for a shoemaker to bring him a pair of Boötes. The shoemaker brought the boots, and when he had pulled on the right foot boot, and was pulling on the other boot, Scogin said, it was marvelous straight, and that it did pinch his leg: wherefore he prayed him to carry it home, and set it on the last an hour or two: for (quoth he) I have a thing to write that will hold me two hours, and all that time I will sit and write, & keep this other boot on my leg still until that be ready. The shoemaker took the boot and went home, as Scogin had bidden him. When the shoemaker was gone, he sent his man for another shoemaker, and caused one to pull off the boot which the first shoemaker had pulled on When the other shoemaker was come, Scogin caused him to pull on the left boot, and when he was pullin● on the right foot boot, Scogin found fault with it, as he did with the first shoemaker and sent him away in like sort: when he was gone, he caused his man to make ready their horses, and he pulled on the boot again, which the first shoemaker had left behind him, and so he road away with the two boots of two shoemakers: shortly after the shoemakers came and enquired for Scogin, but he and his man were gone, almost an hour before.   

How Scogin overtook a Priest and kept company with him, and how he and the Priest prayed for money.  
WHen Scogin and his man had ridden ten or twelve miles on their way, he overtook a Priest that was riding to London, to pay his first fruits, with whom he kept company until he came to Stamford, and all that way as they road, Scogin made the Priest very good cheer, and would let him pay no money, so that Scogin had but two shillings left: and riding between Stamford and Huntingdon, Scogin complained him to the Parson in this sort: I marvel master Parson (quoth he) how men do when they want money, to get it? For when I want money, I know not how to get any, except I should steal. No, no, said the Priest, do you not know that they that serve God well, do not want, and how that God promiseth, that if you call upon him in your afflictions, that he will help you? You say well master Parson, said Scogin, and road before: and when he saw a fair place, he kneeled down and lifted up his hands, and prayed to God, till Master Parson and his man did overtake him, but nothing he could get: when they were come, he told them he prayed, but could get nothing. But (quoth he) I will try once again, and then if I can get nothing, both you Master Parson and my man shall help me to pray, for I do not doubt but God will help something, when he heareth allour prayers. And then Scogin did ride before again, and when he saw his place convenient, he alighted him from his horse and tied him to a tree, and kneeled down, and prayed as he had done before, until such time as they came to him. Then said the Parson, How do you now Master Scogin? By my troth, said he, I can get nothing, wherefore alight sirrah, quoth he, to his man, and tie your horse to yonder tree, and then he went to the Parson and took his horse by the bridle, and told him he must needs help him to pray. The Parson for fear durst not say him nay, but alighted, and took his capcase from the saddle bow, wherein was fifty pounds. Then Scogin asked his man how much money he had in his purse? He said, twenty pence By my troth, said Scogin, and I have but twoshillings, and how much have you Master Parson? said he. The Parson thought that if he had told him all, he would surely have borrowed a good part of it, and he said, five pounds Well, let us pray heartily, said Scogin, and the● they kneeled down, and prayed for the spac● of half an hour: and Scogin said, let us see whether God have heard our request, or no And then he looked in his own purse, where wa● but two shillings, & then he looked in his man● purse, where was but twenty pence Then Scogin came to the Parson, and said: Now Master Parson let us see what you have, for I do not doubt but God hath heard our prayers, and took the Priest's capcase and opened it, wherein was a bag with fifty ●ounds in it, which the Parson should have paid for his first fruits: Then Scogin spread his cloak abroad, and poured out the money, and when he had told it, he said; By Lady Master Parson God hath heard our prayer: and then he gave him five pounds, and said, Master Parson, here is the five pound that thou had before we began to pray, and the rest we will have: for I see that you are so well acquainted with God, that with praying half an hour, you can get as much more: and this will do us great pleasure, and it is but a small matter for you to pray half an hour. The Parson desired Scogin to let him have the rest of the money, for he said that he did ride to London to pay his first fruits. Well said Scogin, than you must pray again, for we will have this, and so they road away and left the Priest behind them: and the Priest was fain to ride home again for more money.   

How Scogin came to the Court like a monstrous beast, and should have been hanged.  
SCogin was weary of Cambridge, and could not tell how to do, because the King had commanded him to look him no more in the face. At last he got him a Bear's foot, and an Ox foot, and tied them under his feet, than he took a horse foot in one of his hands, and his other hand served for another foot, and Scogin lay about the Court, and on a certain night there sell a snow. Scogin within half a mile of the King's place, went with his aforesaid three feet, and his hand which served for the fourth foot, and when he had set a circuit, he went into an old house, where there was an oven, and he crept into it, and set out his arse. In the morning the trace of this monstrous beast was found, and well was he that might first come to the Court to tell the King what a monstrous beast this should be, that the one foot was like a Bear's foot, and the other like an Ox foot, and the other foot like a horse foot, and the other like a man's hand. As soon as the King heard of this, he called his hunters to go with him to find out the trace of this monstrous beast. And that found, there was a great yelping of hounds, and blowing of horns, and at last the hounds did come to a bay. The King and the Lords pricked forth their geldings, and road to the old house, and looked into the oven, and Scogin did set out his bare arse. What knave is this, said the King? I sir, said Scogin, whom your charged not to look you in the face, wherefore I must needs turn mine arse to you. Well knave, said the King, thou shalt be hanged for this prank doing. Scogin leapt out of the oven, and pulled up his bréech, and said; I desi●e your Grace, if I shall be hanged, let me choose the tree I shall be hanged on. I am content, said the King. Four men were appointed to hang Scogin, Scogin had provided a bottle of wine, and sucket, and marmalade, and green ginger and said to them that should hang him, Masters, the King's Grace hath given me licence (as you know) to choose what manner of Tree I shall hang on, and in the Forest of Windsor be goodly trees, and thither will I go. Scogin went before them, and ever looked upon many oaks and trees, and ever was eating of his sucket, and marmalade, and green ginger, and drank still on his bottle, saying, God knoweth the pangs of death are dry. When night was come, and the men being all day without meat and drink, fainted, and said, Good Scogin, the night draweth on, and we have eaten no meat to day, and where we shall lie to night we cannot tell: choose one tree or other to be hanged on. O Masters, said Scogin, make no haste for my hanging, for it would grieve the best of you all to be hanged. Scogin wandered about here and there until it was a good while within night. Then said Scogin, here is a fair tree, let us go lie under it all night. The men said, we are so faint that we cannot tell what to do. Well, said Scogin, you seem to be honest men, go to your King, an● have me commended to him, and tell him that I will never choose a tree to be hanged on: and s● fare you well. He is a mad man that may save his own life, and will kill himself.   

How Scogin asked the King and Queen forgiveness.  
SCogin seeing that he had lost the favour 〈◊〉 the King & Queen, he mused how he might be pardoned of the King and of the Queen. He heard say that the King would ride a progress and at a convenient place, Scogin said to his servant, cast a coverlet over me, and say that I am dead, and say that at my departure, I desire thee to pray the King and Queen to forgive me. When the King and Queen did come by, Scogin lying under the coverlet by the high way, h●● servant said, Here doth lie Scogin dead, & whe● he departed, he prayed both your Graces to forgive him. Now (said the King and Queen) Go● forgive him, and we do: Scogin start up, an● said, I do thank both your Graces, and hereafter I will no more displease you. For I see it 〈◊〉 more harder to keep a friend, then to get one.   

How Scogin told the Queen what a great stud● he was in.  
AFter that Scogin had got his pardon 〈◊〉 the King & of the Queen, as it is rehearse● he used honest jesting with the King and Queen. And on a time before the Queen he stood in a great study. Whereon dost thou muse Scogin, said the Queen? Muse, said Scogin, I am musing on a matter that would trouble any man's brains living: for it maketh me to sweat on the brows to bring it to pass. Tell me, said the Queen the matter. I shall, said Scogin: Every man telleth me, that our Parson is my ghostly father, and that the Church is my mother, then would I fain know, what kin I am to the steeple? The Queen said, thou must needs be alianced to the steeple. I thank your Grace, said Scogin, for you have brought me out of a great doubt.   

How diverse Gentlemen of the Court came to Scogins house to make merry.  
ON a time diverse Gentlemen of the Court said to Scogin, Gentle master Scogin, we would laugh, and therefore we will come to your house to make merry, and we will tarry all night, so that you will provide for us beds and horse meat: you shall not lack, said Scogin. The Gentlemen came to Scogins house, thinking that Scogin had provided all things necessary for them. When they were come to his house, there was no manner of provision, neither for horse meat, man's meat, nor lodging. Scogin seeing his friends were come to his house, said, Masters, you be welcome, and that is the best cheer that I have: and as for meat for you, I have it not at this time, but only an apple, and therefore I pray you not to be discontented, considering the old proverb in Latin is, Dat p●ra vel poma, qui non habet alia dona. The which is to say, he that hath no other gift, must give an apple or pear: I say, said Scogin, I have at this time no better cheer, therefore I pray you be contented with your fare. Why said the Gentlemen, have you meat for our horses? Masters all, said Scogin, I have a house, but I have no land; I have neither hay, grass, nor corn, nor pasture, unless it be in the Churchyard, and there I have seven foot that I do challenge, therefore let your horses go there. Then said the Gentlemen, how shall we do for our beds and lodgings? Masters all, said Scogin, as for beds care not, for I have enough for you all Then we care not, said the Gentlemen: has● thou beside thy apple, any drink? yea, said Scogin, as good as any is in the well. Why then said the Gentlemen, bring us to our beds: that I will, said Scogin, which did bring them to his garden, saying, Masters, choose every man his lodging in these beds, for these be the best bedsthat I have. Then one Gentleman said, we● came hither to laugh, but I suppose we shall weep ere we have done. Here a man may s●● that the thing which men do suppose; God dot● dispose, and let no man think that there was never so great a flood, but there may be as low an ebb: And in this case is to be considered, that no man can ask more of a man than he is able to do.   

How Scogin fell sick of a perilous cough.  
THe time was come that Scogins days drew to an end, who was infected with a perilous cough. His Physicians did counsel him neither to eat cheese nor nuts. And why so, said Scogin? The Physician said, for such things do cause and provoke coughing. Nay, said Scogin, that cannot be so, for a sheep doth neither ●ate cheese nor nuts, and there is no beast living ●hat hath the cough so much: then said the Physician, if they did or ●ould eat it such things ●ould augment and increase their infirmity. ●herefore it is good to refrain from contagious meats and drinks, according to the infirmity of a man's disease.   

How Scogin was shriven and hosted.  
SCogins sickness increased more and more, and he sent for the Priest to be shriven and ●osted. The Priest coming to him with the Sacrament of the Altar, said, Master Scogin ●ere I have brought to you our blessed Lord God in form of bread that died on the Cross 〈◊〉 all sinners, do you believe in him? Yea, said Scogin, or else would I were burnt at a stake. Then said the Priest, ere you do receive him, you must be contrite of your offences, and be shriven, and recognise yourself a sinner. That will I gladly, said Scogin: He being shriven, and being penitent, received the Sacrament devoutly, and that done, Scogin said, good Lord, I do thank thee for all thy benefits: but Masters, I tell you all that stand about me, if I might live to eat a Christmas pie, I care not then if 〈◊〉 dye by and by after: for Christmas pies be good meat. Here is to be noted that a man is loath to dye, although there be no remedy, and he that can rejoice him in God, and in mirth without sin, that man is happy.   

How Scogin desired that he might be buried at the East side of Westminster.  
SCogin waxing sicker and sicker, his friends advertised him to make his Testament, and to show where he would lie after he was dead: Friends, said Scogin. when I came into this World, I brought nething with me, and when I shall depart out of this world, I shall take nothing away but a sheet: take you the shéet, and let me have the beginning again naked. And if you cannot do this for me, I pray you that I may be buried at the East side of We●●minster, under one of the spouts of the leads, for I have ever loved good drink all the days of my life: and there was he buried. Whereas now the 〈◊〉 ancient and sapient King Henry the seventh 〈◊〉 build the most sumptuous Chapel in the 〈◊〉 whereas the said sapient King doth lie, as 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 seemeth an armipotent Prince and King to lys.   

What Scogin said when the holy Candle was pu● in his hand.  
When the extreme pangs of death came upon Scogin, the holy Candl▪ was put in his hand to bless himself. When Scogin had done so, in surrendering thanks to God, he said, now the proverb is fulfilled, that he that worst may shall hold the Candle, for ever the weakest is thrust to the w●ll.  
FINIS.