THE devils LEGEND. OR: A Learned Cachephochysme containing the Confession of the Leaguers Faith: Wherein Doctor Pantaloon, and Zany his Pupil, do teach that all hope aught to be grounded on the Puissant King Philip of Spain, and upon all the happy Apostles of the holy League, and that they ought not to do as the Britons, Englishmen, and Protestants do; which believe in God only, hearkening rather to the voice of jesus Christ, than unto their holy Father the Pope.  
Composed in Rome by the reverend Father Iwenall Borget, and sent unto the Gentlemen of England by Charles Cyprian.  
Translated according to the French Copy.  
Printed at London for Thomas Gosson, and are to be sold at his shop by London Bridge gate. 1595.   

The devils Legend. Or A learned Cakephochysme, containing the confession of the Leaguers faith: handled between Doctor Pantaloon, and Zany his pupell.  Pantaloon. 
ZAny finding in myself an immoderate care of thy poor soul, which like a foolish bird covets to fly into Hell ere her pinnions have strength to bear her from her necks breaking, and seeing thou desistest from blessing thy forehead with thy right hands crossing, as if the sign of the Crucifix were a bugbear to scar away thy blessings, and that thou abiurest the touch of holy water, forgettest thy prayers, and hast lost the memorable use of thy Beads, which like the check of a clock kept time to thy tongue's babble: I would feign know since all the memorable: service of thy ancient divinity is forgotten, in what new devil now of late thou reposest thy new beleeving.  Zany. 
My good Master, my Tutor, or the fountain from whence I have begotten mine instruction, be not ignorant, that early in the morning after I have religiously called upon the great Creator of good cheer, and with infinite Aves saluted the crimson virgin of the dark cellar, and with the help of their two deities, filled the emptiness of my seldom satisfied belly: I then repose all my faith, build the groundwork of my hope, and plant the mighty mountain of my charity in the holy (O lie) league, conjoined with her happy Apostle, scorning to imitate the king-counterfaiting Hugonites, which believe only in God and none other.  Pantaloon. 
I pray thee my good disciple, tell me what beast is that which thou callest the holy league, and what creatures are those which thou baptisest her apostles?  Zany. 
What beast in the devils name? of my honesty Tutor I smile at the simpleness of thy question: why it is the beast of all beasts: that which makes the best the most beastliest, and the most beastliest best in a beastly censure; it is the desire of lust, idleness invention, and the best bloom in ambitious spring: to wit, she is a fair whore violated by adulterous princes, confessed & absolved by false Priests, and uncontionably bribed by ignorant people; as for her Apostles, they are as Pope Sextus a better spaniard than a gospeler, truer to the one, than religious to the other, though honest to neither: the father and the Son, without the Holy ghost, (for he like the vocative case, is wanting in all their substantives) which is to be understood the father of Spain, the son of Savoy, and instead of the Holy-ghost, the grand devil of Lorraine.  Pantaloon. 
Recite to me then my good scholar, all the articles of thy Creed, grounded and made by those Apostles, to the end that we may not only heleeve, but the world may be wise in assured knowledge, that thou art become a great Doctor in the Spanish Macharon, or the devils golden Legend.  Zany. 
Tutor I will: First I believe in the most great, mighty, and saint murdering king of Spain: the creator of the new land, as much of the arch dominator or superintendant of the poor Hugonites, as much of the Turks great master of France: as much as of England, Emperor or monarch: not fully so much of the world, as of the filth and uncleanness in the world: I believe in his son and in his daughter, his children and their children: I believe in that great, fair, well cut, and better combed beard the Duke of Tienops and of Savoy, who by his rare and unsearchable virtue, is ascended up into the sign Gemini, together with the infant, passing many times by the wanton horned sign Capricornus: I believe in the great Messiah or salvator the Duke of Parma, that he is dead, buried, and descended into hell: I believe in the great, gross, grey, and goodly head of the Duke De Mains which stands in more need of philosophy, than beggars of alms: and to be brief, for tediousness is laboursome, I believe in the holy church of Lorraine, as much Apostolic as Christian, and to neither of both any thing at all allied.  Pantaloon. 
Into how many articles is this Creed or symbol divided, and which be they.  Zany. 
Into twelve, and these they are: Ambition, Enuy. Hypocrisy, Tyranny, Slander, Flattery, Treason, Sedition, Ignorance, Malice, Rashness, and Rebellion, and these my dear master are the degrees or ladders steps, whereby all true catholics must be received into the church of the league or Spanish Synagogue.  Pantaloon. 
But what is the intentive meaning of these holy happy Apostles of the league, and what is the end of their so much admired excellencies.  Zany. 
The intention is most good, because in the seeming procreation of their acts they imitate God himself, foreven as he created all things for his own glory, so bring they forth all their factions, for their own triumphs, only this difference, his is admired and reverenced of all souls, theirs wondered at and hated of all what ever hath feeling of christianity.  Pantaloon. 
But how gallop they or post they forward in this so meritorious or blessed work, or how sweat they in the ferueneie of this holy action.  Zany. 
Even so and in such manner as the three Sages which Pilgrim-like travailed from the Orient, feigning to worship Christ, and plant him in too long forsaken France, bringing with them three presents, War, Pestilence, and Famine, whilst the Loade-starre to their travail, is hypocrisy and presumption.  Pantaloon. 
But what fruit or profit shall redound to this endless web of their continual working?  Zany. 
If they sow ivory, they shall reap thorns, if they beget a monster, they shall bring forth a chimera, if by their factious troubles they confound sweetness in the beginning, by the residence of their evil, they shall find bitterness in the ending.  Pantaloon. 
How shall then my gallant pupil this thy holy league find an end from the eternity of her labour?  Zany. 
O my good master, she must first charitably visit her dear holy father Lucifer, and her mother Proserpina, and all her worm eaten progenitors of Lorraine, for sooner shall she purchase a fee simple in any of their regions, than have an estate for term of life in the confines of unhappy France.  
FINIS.  Composed by Charles Cyprian.  

A new pleasant and delightful Astrology, invented by reverend Master Harlequin the royal ginger, calculated for the Leaguers meridian.  

The first error is in the twelve signs.  
THE Leaguers have brought into France so many ravenous Wolves, that the poor sign of Mutton is for ever banished their Zodiac, they have installed so many Codpieces in their Cathedrals, that the pure sign of the Virgin is as rare to be seen, as thunder in winter, or a million of black Swans in a fishpond, and they have made such a tole-free open passage, unto whole armies of disordered persons that are boundless in their villainy, that the sign of Lybra, or the equal poising balance is cassierd as unprofitable amongst them, but it is most true, and too true, that they have elevated in their horizon, and installed in triumphant credit, the great Taurus or bulbegger of Lorraine, with a multitude of Caprycornians and Sagitarians, which bend all their horns and hooves against Bourbon, but I may prophesy unto them that they have not found Saint Sebastian which patiently endured the Darts which were shot into him.   

The second error is in the Planets.  
Again, these Leaguers show themselves more Dogs than Doctors, that in stead of following the other Planets which acknowledge the Sun as their common Prince, or principal substance of their borrowed splendour, yet will they that Mercury of Britain, and Venus his wife, and all such wandering stars like themselves, shall bend their borrowed bonfires against the true son of France, which notwithstanding of his own benevolence▪ hath given them the little glimmering brightness which they have, and which is worse than the worst of all, after that they having lost the true natural heat of that glorious sun, they search the coldness of the Satournian Spaniard, both frosty in goodness, dried by with covetousness, and as melanchollyas ambition can make him.   

The third error is in the Climates.  
NOw these rabbins or seemeing (though altogether unsound) Doctors, pretending deep insight into Millstone Astrology, seeking to set fire upon the house of Bourbon, and stuff her walls with strange vermin or monstrous creatures, have whispered in the Spaniards ears like the downe-falling of a water to a thundering Mill, and with that secret prattle have made him believe that France is colder than Spain, and more temperate for the devils dwelling: in such sort that the Spanish Marrans covetous of the purest air, bring their intemperance into our climate, but they are mightily deceived in the foolishness of their opinions, for that often times and most commonly, those which sojourn and dwell in their country of Spain, notwithstanding it is much hotter, yet do they live longer than they which come into France, Flaunders, or England.   

The fourth error is in the distinction of times.  
THese monstrous liars, the Serpent's Scholars, make also the poor deceived people of the League believe, that the times or seasons are much differing one from the other, and that in some they must use purgations, in others costicke medicines, and in some neither of both; as in the canicular, or dog days: but if you will believe me (gentle readers) the fools of Paris stand in no need of purgations, neither yet of the new diet, either by emptiness to ease their bellies, or by spareness of repast, to keep their sheets cleanly: the Spaniards also for the most part, and principally those which come into France, fear hell ten times more than the Dog days. When they say that such a season shall be windy, such a time rain, and such a day fair pleasant weather, all that serveth to nothing, or to no purpose, for the fool antedatedd before in mine Astrology, which beholding the conversion, fear neither wind, rain, nor fair weather, (God be thanked) for if they chance to be dabbled a little with walking up and down the town, the day shall come I hope, when they shall be ducked overhead and ears, or else utterly drowned.   

The fifth error is in the Ecclypses.  
THese loggerhead learned Leaguers, make certain distinctions of the Moon eclipsed and not eclipsed; but I that am not ignorant but know very well, that the Moon hath no power to gaze upon the suns forehead, nor to give aim to his brightness, hold this for a certain actiome, that she shall always be ecclypsed, and that every one of them cannot be but eclipsed in true duties or endeavours, and walk in the dark like boys at hood-man blind; which is the cause that divers of them do fall, and if they scape breaking their necks, yet they lose themselves, altogether hopeless for ever recovering one minute of day light, or any jot of succour at their great Messiah the Duke of Parma.   

The sixth error, is in the marks, or notes.  
THey propose and carry before them the golden number, but yet in despite of all the promises of the huge King of Castille, I am assured that in the end the poor Parysyans will find it, but a beggars reckoning; it is very true, that the women shall have two dominical letters, so much the greater, by how much the greater they are enamoured with the greatest Alphabet, to wit, great O. and great Q. And when you would know the year of the holy Barracadoes of Paris, or rather if you will the day when the Guysards fighteth only with their balafte, you shall need but to make your honest repair to me your assured friend Harlequin who knows not only the moving of the elements, but the secret working of every star in the heavens.   

The seventh error is in the disposition and course of the year.  
THese Leaguers make the years to be twelve months, but the Parrysyans which have watched so many nights, and stood so many hours Sentinels on the walks, shall not be paid for six months; they make six days in the week, always banishing Sunday as an idle note in the Calendar: but for Friday and Saturday, they are always more villainously sharpeset, and know far worse tyrants in the Spanish army than in the King's regiment; they make the day four and twenty hours in length, but the poor hungry Parrisians that have neither dined, supped nor can get a breakfast, swear the clocks lie, for it cannot be less than eight and forty.   

The eighth error, is in the prediction of all that shall happen unto the Leaguers from their conception, until their descending into Hell.  
THe godly and blessed Merdologians, or rather Fortune-tellers, make the Ass head abused Leaguers believe, that they are borne under the sign of the Lion, and so consequently through that influence, they shall all prove renowned warriors; but I descent from their judgements, for I believe that they shall all rather be borne under the Crab, or demi Crevisse; learning to go more backward than ever they went forward, and for their education, they shall undoubtedly be brought up under the sign of Aquarius, because at their births Wine was banished for inflaming the liver: and I hold it certain in rules of their Nativity, that there shall be many grammarians and musicans amongst them, who shall decline so much, and diminish so mightily, that beggary and scorn shall be all their companions, and in the end they shall die under the Spanish Scorpion, if suddenly before their times they be not anointed with the juice of hempseed, to mend their falling evils.   

The ninth error, is in the humour that shall rule amongst them.  
NOw to give them audacious boldness, and to encourage them in their foolish and damned rash adventures, these Astrologians do promise them, that the humour of jupiter shall have influence and rule in their nativities, but I, even I noble Harlequin, by the aforesaid predictions, speculations and conjectures, do conclude, that the melancholy humour shall be predominant and master over them, which shall make them so fantastical and mad in their brains drunkenness, that divers of them shall dream in the night, that they are already mounted upon the devils wings, into the third heaven, and when they awake, they shall find themselves accompanied with shame and discredit, the very monsters of the world, having no sore but the earth's barrenness: others shall dream of certain prizes of Come and Wine, and forfeit the dear prizes of their soul, selling their bodies to hell & eternal damnation▪ others, (and of them shall be an infinite number) shall dream that they are Kings, and princely Governors of Realms and Principalities, but when they awake, they shall find themselves the threadbare governors, fathers, and nourishers of fleas, Lice, and all manner of fleshly persecutors.   

The tenth error is in the length of the Leaguers world.  
Division is the mother of destruction: and union the first bringer forth of conservation or prosperity: whence it springs that the Astrologians belonging to the League, conclude in their union a perpetuity, but I arguing both in form and figure, prove the flat contrary, for say I, they shall be so united in will, that look what the one would have, the other would be glad to cut his throat so he might attain it: and during the time of their disputation, who shall first sit down and take the chief place at the table: I noble Harlequin a passing good Burbonian, will like an University lurcher, lick all the fat from their trenchers.   
FINIS.  
Believe as ye list.   

LONDON, Printed for Thomas Gosson, and are to be sold at his shop by London bridge gate. 1595.