THE TRAVELS OF Don Francisco De QUEVEDO, Through Terra Australis Incognita. Discovering The Laws, Customs, Manners and Fashions, Of The South Indians. A NOVEL.  
Originally in Spanish.  
Omne tulit punctum qui miscuit utile dulci.  
LONDON, Printed for William Grantham, at the Crown and Pearl, over against Exeter-Change, in the Strand. 1684.   

Quevedo's Travel's.  
Printed for William Grantham Bookseller in the Strand.  
●Draperitier. sculp.   

TO THE READER.  
Reader,  
You are not to Attribute what follows, to any vanity in the Translator; as if like Pygmalion he had been in Love with his Work; he values Popular Applause, as a Transient Air, that vanishes into an Insignificant Nothing.  
Under this Allegory, the too much prevailing Fopperies, and Vices of various sorts of People, are lively represented, and exposed to the World, to the end that they may be persuaded from, or made ashamed of them.  
Preambles and Allegories, have been used in Sacred Writ; yet not censured as Romantic; and though this Peregrination is represented in the Nature of a Romance; it is only with an intent by Delightful Vanity, To Please and Convince at the same time, Omne tulit punctum qui miscuit utile dulci, profitable things intermixed with delightful are Captivating.  
Here is Brisk Ingenious Fancy; and Satyrical enough against the usual Vices, and Ragnant Roguries of both Sexes; (for I think that word may be used in a Feminine, as well as a Masculine Sense;) if your fancy incline to read it, you may; if not, you may let it alone.  
Touching the Original; Know, 'twas my good hap to Arrive at Bilboa, just when this Ingenious Piece of Antiquity in Manuscript, was taking Post from a Chandles Shop, to the Land of Oblivian. By this means I had the Opportunity and Success, to Redeem from the Teeth of time, and very Paw of Destruction, This so Admirable and pleasing a Tract, Originally in Spanish; whose beauty appeared to me in Tattered Robes, to be the very Emblem of Eternity, it having neither beginning nor end; and therefore the more justly I call it a piece of Antiquity.  
It was very much defaced; Time or Accident having Worn, or Torn out those Characters, which serve for distinction of Ages; as also our Traveller's Name; Except in one place, where was Remaining thus much of the Mouse-eaten Author, Don Q. And from hence I concluded, it must be either Quevedo, or Quixot; but that it was rather the former: I offer this Reason.  
Because, He of all the Spacious and Flourishing Kingdom of Castille, was only Valiant to a Miracle: He that never flinched at a Voyage to those Dangerous Caverns, in Pluto's Subterranean Dominions; was only capable to undertake this so hazardous a Journey; Through the Confines of Terra Australis Incognita.  
But you may Answer, that was but a Dream, Why? may be so too; and what if this should prove no more, for it seems as unlikely to be real as that; but I hope if our Circumstances can prove our Indefatigable Don the Author, it will be sufficient to gain your good Opinion, and Acceptance; and pray why may not we allow him to walk in his sleep, as well upon the Surface of the Terrestrial Globe, as to the Centre.  
And further to Convince you, I assure you the Spanish was excellently Smooth and Eloquent, in which our Elaborate Don was the Nonsuch.  
But then Indeed the Character was Black, Knotty, Rough and Uneven; Like the Notes in Gamut, well understood by him; but almost uninteligable to a Shallow Capacity. And hence a seeming Objection may arise, in the Opinions of such as knew the fairness of his Writing: but in my Conceit, is answered with this Question.  
Think you that his intimacy with the Internals, could not obtain for his Attendant, one of Pluto's Secretaries, to note, and transcribe what his Curiosity Observed; yes doubtless; and 'tis the rather my Opinion, because it seemed to be Written with a Cloven hoof.  
If so, how far the Courtesy exceeded Common favours, Judge ye, when the Devil to Accommodate him, should leave those Hot Subterranean Mansions, and expose himself to the Sharp Air, under the South Pole, and run the hazard of getting a Kentish Ague.  
From these Arguments I Conclude in the Affirmative, and I would have you do so too; and then as soon as you will Hoist out the Boat, and Ashore all hands, to make new Discoveries.  
While I (Somewhat too stiff to Compliment, after so toilsome a Journey) will make bold to Rest,  
Thine in good Earnest, R. S.   

AN INDEX.  

THe Discovery of the Land of Belly-All-Main, a part of the South Indies, Called, Terra Australis Incognita, Bordering upon Terra del Fuego. Pag. 1.  
Of Eat-All-Main or Gluttonia. p. 3.  
Of Dressingburgh, the first Canton of Eat-all-main. p. 5.  
Of Banquetois, the second Canton of Eat-all-main. p. 9  
Of Pewter-Plateria, the third Canton of Eat-all-main. p. 11.  
Of the Metropolitan City of Eat-all-main, called, Flesh-Pasti-Nople. p. 12.  
The Wars of the Eat-all-mains. p. 23.  
Of Idle-Burgh, and Imperial free Town. p. 25.  
The Religion of the Eat-all-mains. p. 28.  
The Laws of the Eat-all-mains. p. 31.  
Of the Election of the Great Duke. p. 34.  
Of Staruling Island or Hungerland. p. 43.  
Of Drink-all-main, the second Province of Belly-all-main. p. 44.  
Of the Shires of the Province of Drink-all-main. p. 46.  
The Description of Carousi-Kanikin, the chief City of Drink-all-main; as also the Fashions, and Manners of the Drink-all-mains. p. 49.  
Of the Knights of the Golden Tun, & the Laws of the Drink-all-mains. p. 59  
Of the Arts, and Military Disciplines of the Drink-all-mains. p. 63.  
Of the Funerals of one of the Chief Quagmirist's. p. 65.  
Of Brandy-Burgh, or Liquor-ardens'; and of the Pilgrimage of St. Brochio. p. 69.  
A Description of Bottles-Brook. p. 77.   

The Second Part.  
THe Description of Womandecoia: Or Shee-Landt, of the Situation and Parts thereof. p. 81.  
How Quevedo was used by the Gossipingoesses. p. 83.  
Their Forms of Government, and Elections of Persons of State. p. 87.  
The Original of the Shee-Landesses. p. 90.  
Of Giglot-Tangier. p. 92.  
Of Shrews-Burgh. p. 96.   

The Third Part.  
OF the Situation of Fooliana and Populousness thereof. Pag. 107.  
The Parts of Fooliana, and the People's conditions in General. p. 109.  
Of Fooliana the Fickle. p. 116.  
Of the People's Conditions & Attire. p. 119.  
Of Fooliana the Fond. p. 126.  
Of Ass-Sex. p. 128.  
Of the Cities of Cockscombaya and Ass-Sex, and of Blocksford the Metropolitan. p. 131.  
Of the Marquisate of Spendallezza. p. 140.  
Of Clawback-Court. p. 143.  
Of Fooliana the Fat. p. 147.  
The Quality and Conditions of the People. p. 150.  
Of the Paradise of Fooliana the Fat. p. 155.  
Of Fooliana the Devout. p. 162.  
The State Public of Fooliana the Devout. p. 165.   

The Fourth Part.  
THe Description of Theevingenia, its Situation. p. 169.  
The Conditions of the Robberswalders. p. 171.  
The Pirates and Sea-Borderers of Robbers Waldt. p. 177.  
Of Lyers-bury-Plain, and of the City of Pick-Pocket-Angul; with the Nature of the Liegerdemanians. p. 179.  
Of the Province of Still-Moore: Or, Nunquam Satis. p. 190.    

A Prologue.  
REports by hear-say, who will credit?  
What though the Parish-Parson saidit?  
But that the Truth may pass for Credo,  
ay, even I myself, Quevedo;  
Resolved to visit Foreign Islands,  
The Southern Climates, Low and Highlands,  
Lands which indeed were other People's,  
To view their Towns, their Churches, Steeples;  
Their Cities, Forts, and Magazines,  
The Courts of Foreign Kings and Queens;  
Their Manners, Habits, Customs, Fashions,  
And various kinds of Habitations.  
Such things, so tickling to my Fancies,  
As I have Read in Old Romances,  
As Giants, and Enchanted Castles,  
Whose Fanes & Sumptuous Turrets Dazzles  
The Eyes of such as passed by,  
If they by Chance Look up so high)  
These Curiosities invite me,  
With hopes that Travel will delight me,  
To launch into the Curled Ocean,  
And hoisting Sail the Ship had Motion,  
Which ready lay, when we had stepped in,  
To plow the Watery Plains of Neptune,  
We having Sailed 3 Leagues, or Nine Miles,  
Lost sight of Landmarks, Steeples, Windmills;  
Now trusting only to the Compass,  
Though Neptune's surly surges thump us,  
We in good time got safely over;  
But what our passage did discover,  
To tell the Truth, was no great matter,  
For all we saw, was Sky and Water.  
Well, but suppose I'm come on Shore,  
And then suppose but one thing more,  
That what so e'er is worth your Notice,  
Is in this Little Book, and so ' 'tis.   


The Discovery of the Land of Belly-All-Main, a part of the South Indies, Called, Terra Australis Incognita, Bordering upon Terra del Fuego.  
Of its Situation.  
THE Land of Belly-All-Main, is a Region far extending both in Longitude and Latitude, bounded on the North with the Aethiopian Ocean, on the East with the Sheelands, on the South with Fooliana the Fat, and on the West with the Filching-Fens. It lieth in that undiscovered Continent, where that monstrous Bird RUC snatcheth up now and then a whole Elephant at a stoop, and swaps him up at a Bit; Touching the Soil, the Fertility is most worthily Admirable, and the Air most delicately Temperate. In Latitude, It lieth full sixty Degrees, and in Longitude seventy four from Cabo-de-Bon-Speranza, and is Scituate almost directly opposite to the Southern Frontiers of Africa.  
Such Cosmographers as Write hereof, divide it generally into two Provinces, Eat-All-Main, Called by the Inhabitants Gluttonia, and Drink-All-Main, By the Natives also, called Quaffonia. The former situate in the same Longitude and Latitude with Old England, and the Later, with the two Germany's: Both have one Prince and one Law, and a little Reformation would make them Concur also in Habits and Manners.   

Of Eat-All-Main or Gluttonia.  
EAt-all-main is in Form Triangular, and resembleth the Figure of Old-Egypt, being full of Sky Towring-Hills, and yet so Fertile, that the very Birds that flock thither from all places to Feed, If they stay but three Months at the admirable variety and plenty this Soil affords: They are so Loaden with the luggage of their own Fat, that they cannot possibly get wing so high as to over-top one of the meaner Mountains, but become sworn Inhabitants of this Fat Country all their Lives after.  
The Shores abound with plenty of Fish of divers kinds, and they are naturally so Ravenous and Greedy, that you no sooner cast your Angling-hook among them, but like Cole-Miners about the Rope, when the Candles burn Blue, (which foretells the coming of the Damp) you shall have hundreds about the Line, some on the Hook, and some on the String, and such as miss that Opportunity will hold fast by the Tails, and Fins, of such as took time by the foretop. 'Twould never Tyre a man's Patience to Angle in this Country, where he is as sure of Sport, as the Beggar, when (with a Red woollen Rag put down his Back) he doth Angle for Lice.  
The Land hath divers good Havens, but no Ship is suffered to Harbour There, but such as comes Freighted with good Fare, and is Loaden with Delicates; the Soil bears no Tree that bears no Fruit, but all the Hedges are stored with Apples, Pears, Plumbs, and Nuts of all sorts, and some Hops, but not such quantities of the last as in Drink-All-Main, where their Plenty is Incredible: I Conceit our Western English had that kind of Custom from the Drink-All-Mains.  
This Territory of old, both Eat-All-Main, and Drink-All-Main, was under the Government of the Thrivingers, held by the Succession of divers Thrivonian Princes, whose principal Seat was Eat-All-Main: But foreign Invasions ensuing, and those Ancient Worthies Chased from Sovereignty, whose Memory is almost worn out; By whose Extirpation it fell into the Hands of the Eat-All-mains, as it continues at this present Time.   

Of Dressing burgh, the first Canton of Eat-All-main.  
DRessing-burg is the first Canton of Eat-All-main, which is too hot a Climate for any true Eat-All to Inhabit; the South-Cape lying under the same Latitude with the most Southern part of Castille, and is about 42. Degrees distant from the Equinoctial. The Inhabitants are of a swarthy Tawny, most of them having their skins shriuled, and withered, and their Bodies plumped up like a Glove upon a Gridiron; they affect Deliciousness rather than Excess.  
Upon the point of this Canton, called the Swarthy-Cape, the Country is wondrously Overclowded with Smoak, because of the nearness of Terra del Fuego, the Land of Fire.  
Upon the left hand thereof lieth the City of Kitchen-Norton, the Buildings of which are generally very lofty, and as generally smoky and ill Scented.  
In the midst of this City stands a goodly Temple, Dedicated to god All-Paunch, a vast and spacious Building, wherein are a Thousand Altars Burning with continual Incense (except from Shrovetide till Easter) unto the aforesaid Deity. In the Midst of this Temple is a Tower Erected of Incredible Altitude, called by the Inhabitants Chimney Turret, from the height whereof of the whole Region round about have the usual Signal of War given them; for whensoever that Eternal fume ceaseth to ascend in Caligunous Clouds, it is a certain warning that the Foe Approaches.  
And this Invasion is most commonly attempted by the Inhabitants of the Staruling Isles, otherwise called Hungerlanders, for these are the most formidable Enemies that the Eat-All-Mains have.  
Near unto this City of Kitchen-Norton lieth Cistern-Burgh, wherein is the famous Mountain Cock-Alty, Exceeding high, but directly opposite in nature to Mount Aetna; for whereas that Disgorgeth streams of Fire, to the Detriment of the Neighbour Cities, and Villages; so this Stupendious Mountain Cock-Alty sends forth continual Rivers of sweet and fresh water; to the great advantage of the Neighbour Cities, especially the City of Kitchen-Norton. In Cistern-Burgh are only some few houses of entertainment, where commonly do Sojourn for a small season the Journeying Citizens of Carp-O-Pan, Trout-On, and Tench-More; with Merchandise from those Marine parts, to this tradeing City of Kitchen-Norton.  
Within the liberties of Kitchen-Norton, are certain Villages, first Hole-Cole, a large Town, consisting of a strange form of Building, of Caves under ground. Tongs-Worth, & Fire-Pan-Wick, two small Villages both in one Parish; and on the left hand you have three others, Spitsted, Kettle-Dorp and Spoons-by, all pretty Towns, and well Peopled; Kittle-Dorp hath a fair River passeth through it, called Ture-Mois, which they say Boileth every Twenty Four hours.  
The Inhabitants of Spoons-By, as also another small Village nigh it, called Ladle-Cup, are instructed in no other art, but laving, and are very expert in cleansing of Ditches, Fishponds, Wells, or such places; and these only are employed in such Services, not only in Kitchen-Norton, but also in all the Rivers of the Circum-Jacent Cities of Eat-All-Main; as Gravy-Channel in the City of Flesh-Pasti-Nople, and Sauce-Bourn, which watereth the Plains of Pewter-Plateria, but principally in those famous Hot-Wells, called the Baths of Broathington in the Valleys of Poringerio; for which Employments they have the great Duke's Patent, so that no others dare entrench upon their privileges.   

Of Banquetois, the Second Canton of Eat-All-Main.  
PAssing from Dressing-Burgh, the first Canton you enter, is the very Garden of Eat-All-Main; it is called Banquetois, and is as it were a continual Forest of nothing but Dates, Almonds, Figs, Ollives, Pomgrantes, Citrons, and Nutmegs. The River Oyl-Brook hath its Course through the heart of this goodly Territory.  
The City of Marchpane is the chief Town of note it this Canton, being Built after a stately manner, with Turrets, and Obelisks, all Gild over; but indeed it is but of a slender kind of Fortification, and lieth very open to the Enemy's Cannon.  
A little above this City are certain Mines called the Sugar-Hills, whence they dig a certain Ore, in Colour whitish, in Touch hard, and in Taste sweet.  
This City hath very few Inhabitants of any years, that have any Teeth left; but all from Eighteen to the Grave, are the Natural Heirs of a Stinking Breath.  
Next unto this, lieth another little Corporation called Drugs-Burgh, and here they have a Law, that none must be made free of the City, but Apothecaries, Grocers, and Boxmakers. The very Heavens seems to Conspire with the places fitness to increase their Trading; for at certain times of the year, you shall have the whole Country covered quite over with Aromatical Trochices, Comfits, and Confections, (congealed by the coolness of the Airs middle Region) that fall from the Clouds in as great Abundance, (at those times when they do fall) as ever fell shower of Hail.   

Of Pewter-Plateria, the Third Canton of Eat-All-Main.  
AS we passed the 55th Degree beyond the line, we entered into a spacious Plain; by the Inhabitants called Pewter-Plateria, which we entered in our Map under the name of Platters-Plain; it lieth in the very heart of Eat-All-Main, and the first City we met with in this Tract, was Victualla, through the midst of which there Passeth a River called Sauce-Bourn, whose Water is somewhat Tart in taste. In the Marketplace of this Town I beheld a Monument, it was no rare Piece of work, but of a very Ancient Model, the top Stone being cut in form of a Sea Crab.  
I shall here omit the fruitful Plains of Goblet the great, and Fatland Forrest, together with the goodly City of Sausagenia, a Town rarely Seated, only it stands a little too near the Salt Water. I shall also pass by Butterkin the Fenny, and Cheswick, the last Town of all Eat-All-Main, and Situate upon the vory Borders of Quaffonia. These I slightly pass, because I would fain be at the Metropolitan City of the whole Region; for that very place alone, in Structure of houses, Manners of Inhabitants, and formality of Discipline, I esteem above all the rest.   

Of the Metropolitan City of Eat-All-Main, called Flesh-Pasti-Nople.  
Hereabout are but few Villages, The Cities having eat up most of the Burroughs; neither are their Cities so abundant in number as they are in Riches, and populous Inhabitants; but of them all, the Prime and Mother-City is that Famous Flesh-Pasti-nople.  
Their Old Records do report, that in former Ages, there were two Rich and Potent Cities, Fleshton and Pynople, between whom there was long and vehement Contention about the Sovereignty; Pynople stood much upon its Antiquity, but Fleshton Counterpoised the others Continuance with her own present Glory, pleasant Situation and Powerfulness.  
Well, a Parliament was called, and Finally, the whole House with one Consent gave the Supremacy unto Fleshton. Pynople thus disgraced, decayed to nothing, so that it is at this day almost Impossible to know where it stood. Now Fleshton grew more and more in Lustre, and both to add a Magnificence to the Name, as also to passed the Foil of Pynople upon the Forehead of posterity. It left the last Syllable of its Old Name, and Assumed the two Last of Pynople, joining them together with the Cement whereof their Ancient Walls were made, and so was thenceforth called Flesh-Pasti-nople.  
Touching the form, it is rather vast in Compass, than comely in Building. It hath a Rivelet of Spring-Water Running almost through every Street; in which you shall see a thousand several impaled Fishponds, wherein they keep Swans, Geese, Ducks, Teals, and all kinds of Waterfowl. This Current is called Gravie-Channel. The City is Double-walled about with the Bones that remained of their Carnival Feast. These Bones are Artificially and with Judgement cemented together with Mortar made of the whites of Eggs. Their Houses within are neither too Stately, nor too Lofty. They love no Assents by Stairs up to their Doors, partly, because 'tis dangerous to come down, when their Brains are throughly moistened; and partly because 'tis toilsome to climb up, when their Bellies are bombasted. Instead of Lead, Tyle and Slat, their Houses are all Roofed with shoulder-bones of Beasts very cunningly knit together.  
The City consists not of any but such as have one dependence or other upon Rack and Manger, the Husbandmen, Carpenters, Millers, and Butchers, have each their Habitations assigned in the Suburbs, who notwithstanding, if they can bring their Bellies to a certain size, are presently Summoned to Gurmands Hall, and made free of the Wide-throats; no Stranger can have his Freedom at first, unless he be either a Cook, a Baker, or an Innkeeper.  
The City is Governed by a certain number of Grave Senators, peculiarly styled Alder-maws, who are not Elected for their Wisdom, their Wealth, or their Horse-Tail Beards; but by the circumference of their Paunches, which at a solemn set Feast once every Year, are Measured, and the more that each man's Rotundity is found to be enlarged, unto the higher place he is presently Advanced: But if either sickness, or age, do chance to make any of these Alder-maws cast their Collops, they are immediately put off the Bench; and as they have lost their Grease, so must they lose their Grace at a clap: Why this is hard now: but 'tis true, as hard as it is I can tell you that.  
The Geometrical form of the City is Oval, and hath four Gates; at which there do daily attend course by course four Alder-maws, Selected to the Office of Supervisors of the Paunchery; and these are to examine all that come in, and go out, and to mind that none go out Fasting. If they find any Person so offending, he is condemned to eat two Suppers. They are also to mind that none come in emptyhanded: for not to go out full-Bellied, and not to come in full-Handed, is an heinous contempt of the Cities Right-healthful Government.  
Every Month they are bound by Law to Celebrate a solemn Feast, where every Alder-maw of the whole Society must be present, to consult about the Public good: Their place of meeting is Gurmonds' Hall, where being met, and having turned their Wine into Water, and their Oysters into Shells: Every one takes his Chair, and to Dinner they go: Now, they may not in any case have their Boars, Sheep, Goats, Lambs, etc. served up in Parcels and Joints, but they must have all whole. You shall see the waiters come sweeting with a whole Hogg, or a whole Calf, upon a great Pewter Engine; you would bless yourself to behold it: and he that riseth before six hours be fully run, runs his head under a rigorous fine.  
And for the breaking up of the Feast, thus is their Order. They have a Door in the Hall, large enough for the greatest Gutmonger that lives, and take him fasting. At this Door they enter when they come to the Feast, which being ended, he that cannot get his Belly through, is let forth another way; but he that passes as easily as he came in, is stayed by an Officer appointed for that purpose, called the Sergeant of the Maw, and brought back again, where he must seetle himself to a renewed Rouse, untell his Belly be able to kiss both the Cheeks of the Door at once, and then he is dismissed.  
They have a common Hospital belonging to this City, wherein all such as have got the Dropsy or the Gout, or any such disease, by his Valour in Gurmondizing, are Maintained at the Public charge.  
But all such as have lost their Teeth by Age, or by eating their Broth too hot, are forthwith provided for very conveniently, and sent away into the Spoon-meat Islands.  
The Citizens are Generally of an unmeasurable Groseness, and seemed to me, when I saw them walk, just like so many Tunns, moving each upon two pottle Pots; nor is that man worthy of the least Salutation that is not all Cheeks to the Belly, and all Belly to the Knees.  
And such shapes do the Women of this City walk in also, the Germane froes do pretty well in Imitation of these Souse-Barrels; the Young Women may not Marry, till such time as before a Bench of Matrons, They make a public Demonstration, that their Dugs, and their Chins, can meet without forcing of either.  
They go for the most part all naked, only their Alder-Maws may wear Gowns, which must be only the Skins of such Beasts as they are able to devour alone at one sitting.  
Their Schools have no Lecture Read in them, but only Apicius. His Institutions of the Art of Muncherie, and there are all the young fry taught the Sciences of Carving, Chewing, and Swallowing most profoundly. The Munchery Lecturer, when I was there, was one Doctor Full-Gorge; a man most rare in his Profession, and thoroughly arquainted with all the Fundamentals of the said Sciences.  
Their Library is a large Room ranked full of Pots and Cans of all sorts, every sort in their several Classes; so the Scholars have also each his full Pot, and his laden Platter for his Book. The Fresh men have lesser measures; the Sophisters larger, and so up to the Graduaits. The first perhaps has his Pint, and his Pullet; the next, his Quart and his Goose; the third, his Pottle and his Lamb, and so upwards. Nor may any leave his Task, or have leave to play, till he have made an end of what was enjoined him.  
If any one stay Seven years in these Schools, and benefit nothing, he is forthwith Banished for ever into the Starveling Isles, or Hungerland, to deal upon Spanish dinners, furnished with half Pilchards. Thither also they thrust all Physicians, and Prescribers of diets. If any one of them be ill at ease, he presently eats a raw Radish, drinks a little hot Water, Spews a while, and within a quarter of an hour, Viah he lets fly upon Ajax, and riseth from his roast as sound as a Bell.  
They love venison entirely well, but cannot tell how to catch it; only such Deer as comes willingly amongst them, those they Entangle in Nets, and take them. But the noble Swine, Oh they prize that Beast above all others! whether because of their sympathy of natures, being both fatally Consecrated to the Table, or by reason that the Swine will feed on the Coursest meat, and be soon fed, I am uncapable to determine.  
If any one keep his provant while it stinks, he is forthwith condemned of High Treason, and spitted upon a Stake. Only two Reservations their Law agreeth unto; The first is, they may keep Venison till it be all Hoary, and Mouldy; And the second is, they may lay their Cheese where they think good, till it be ready to creep away with Maggots: To these Worms they usually scrape a little fine Sugar, and with the point of a Knife, or a Spoon, crash them up as if they were so many Almond Comfits. I wonder our Low-Dutch should be such Loggerheads to follow them in this filthy fashion.   

The Wars of the Eat-All-Mains.  
THE Eat-All-Mains have unreconcilable Wars with two other Nations, the Hunger lander of the Starveling Islands, and the Thrivengers of Thriveingois.  
The first Inhabit certain Western Isles in the Atlantic Sea, not far Distant from Eat-All-Main; but the Latter lie Somewhat farther off it, by reason of a great part of the Territory of Fool-I-Ana, and some parcel also of Shee-Land, that puts in between them.  
Their Historical Monuments relate, that the Hungerlanders, being confederate with the Thevingenians, have made many Terrible Invasions upon the Eat-All-Mains Borders, and one time gave them a sore Foil, the Inhabitants being forced to hide themselves in Caves under ground, until their gods pitying them, made their foes own Chaps their fatal destruction; for they did so Engorge themselves after this sudden change, that growing hereby all diseased, there was not a man of them left in three years. If you would have given a Spanish Royal for a man, no not a man to Cast at a Dog.  
The Thriveingers also, the Ancient Inhabitants of this Land, have made many attempts to Regain their lost Possessions, but have been continually beaten back by the Eat-All-Mains good success.  
They march unto Battle Armed only before, (needing no defence behind, because they cannot Run away) in Ox Hides, Sheepskins, and Swine's Pelts, that you would imagine them to be a herd of cattle that were driving to the watering place.  
Their weapons commonly are Spits, and-Fire Forks, and some of them have Crossbows made of the bones of large Oxen. But the very truth is, the Drink-All-Mains give them their best Assistance, for had it not been for them, the Eat-All-Mains had been down the wind long ere this; and there's the main of the whole matter.   

Of Idle-Burgh, an Imperial free Town.  
IDle-Burgh is a famous and free State, and hath a large territory under command; it is Scituate in the farthest confines of Platters-Plain towards Fooliana. The Citizens live in far more happy Estate than ever Monk did, having all things they can desire in Abundance.  
The Town is so strongly situated, that it is Impregnable, being Built upon a Rock ten Germane Miles in height, and withal, so steep, that it is utterly Inaccessible; at the foot of this Cliff Runs the River Idle, whereof the City taketh her name. Runs did I say, hold, it seems rather to Creep, being more like a Lake than a River.  
There is but one way up to the Town, that is, the Townsmen letting down a Basket fastened to the end of a Rope, do hale up the Passengers.  
They live all upon certain Birds Naturally bred amongst them, the Inhabitants call them Gulls, which serve the Cities use with three sorts of Meats, Flesh, Eggs, and Fish: Flesh from their own Carcases, Eggs from their Nests, and Fish which they bring for the feeding their young ones in huge excess: And besides, the Sticks of their Nests finds the Citizens with perpetual firing; What would you have more, and more you shall have? Their Feathers serve the Citizens for stuffing their Beds; yes marry do they, and some to spare also for Transportation.  
The Ground within the Walls brings-forth whole Vintages of delicate Grapes, and whole Harvests of the purest Wheat.  
The People do live an uncurious Life, they Sup, they Sleep, they Rise, they Breakfast, they Dine, they Sup, and so round in a Ring. Unless a little whoring now and then chance to add one dance more to the Round.  
The Richer sort have many Servants to attend on them; one to open the Master's eyes gently when he awaketh, Another to fan a cool Air whilst he eateth, A third to pop in his victuals when he gapeth, A fourth to fit his Girdle to his paunch as it riseth, and falleth: The Master only Exerciseth Eating, Digesting, and Laying out.  
There are Divers other Cities that hold of this Idleburgh in Capite, and under protection of her, enjoy the same privileges with her, as Sleep-on, and Snort-apace, where the Inhabitants are seldom or never awake; and it is strange to see how fat they grow with this Drowsy Lethargy.   

The Religion of the Eat-All-Mains.  
THey cannot endure Jupiter, for he, when he Thunders, Sowers all their Wines; but they have a good Devotion to god Trine, because he eateth up all things before him, and shows himself therein a true Eat-All-Main. They have built a goodly Temple unto him, in which I saw the Picture of Saturn eating up his Children very Artificially portrayed.  
On Shrove-tuesday, They Offer Sacrifice to this Deity, whose power appears to them once every year in form of a huge Monstrous, Ravenous Fowl: The Inhabitants call him RUC, to whom they present whole Hecatombs of Raw Flesh thus Ordered.  
Shrove-tuesday, As I said before, is the day of Sacrifice. The place in Pewter-Plateria, where is a large Plain, lying towards the South, incirculed with Mountains; unto this Plain do all the Inhabitants flock, bringing with them an Ocean of Victuals, as Elephants, Camels, Oxen of the largest size, Boars, Sheep, Goats, with a whole Army of Fowl, all with their Feathers plucked off: All these are put as it were into this large Cage; which done, they get them up on the top of the Mountains sides, as if they took their Seats in a Playhouse, and with bended knees do there expect the coming of this Deity, Old RUC of Rucks-Hall. At length Sir, you shall see him come afar off, with a noise Able to Deaf the whole Nation three hundred miles about, with a great crooked Bill, as big almost as half the Equinoctial Circle, with a pair of Talons like two broad spread Oaks, with two Eyes in his head like two Towns that were on fire, and such an Inundation of Harpies, Ravens, Vultures and Hawks, about him. O! strange stupendious sight for Men to behold! and with a Cry able to procure an Earthquake, they Approach the Plain, and by and by their Wings Eclipse the Sun, and bring a Midnight over the whole Valley.  
Three times they flag about the Plain, while the People pour out their very Bladders in Tears, and all that is in their Bellies in hearty prayers to this Rout of Religious Birds.  
By this time General RUC, the Leader of this Starved Regiment, hath spied his Prey: For you must Note, he out of all this Folio Catalogue of Carcases, must choose what pleaseth his Tooth first.  
Well, suppose he take some five Elephants, or half a score of Oxen, he is to be first served, and then every one to his shark, Tag, Rag, and Long-tail. Here you shall see one fly away with a Calf, there another with a Lamb; here one with a Boar, and there another with a Swan; every one fitting his Luggage to his strength: And thus with a Reverend applause of all the spectators, they depart every one with his carriage, and leaves the rest behind them.  
All which the people are bound in Conscience to make ready, and eat up ere they depart, whereby their Bellies are so overcramed, that they loath flesh forty days after; During which space they live all upon Fish: This vacancy sharpens their Appetites, to fall greedily to Flesh again at the time expired. As sure as Death, the Pope had his Lent sent him out of this Country, upon granting the Eat-All-Mains some odd Indulgences, or upon dispenceing with them for Ember-Weeks.   

Of the Laws of the Eat-All-Mains.  
GVrmonds-Hall is a stately Structure Built in Orbicular form like a Theatre, as well large and high as Beautiful, set forth with fair Arched Windows, whose Lights are of transparent Horn Curiously pannelled; the Roof supported by Pillars, which are of the Thigh Bones of Elephants, very artificially cemented together; and over the front of the Entrance, are these Verses fairly Engraven in Letters of Gold.  
Let no Thin Jaws presume to pass this Stone,  
The place is Sacred to the Plump alone.  
And within the Hall hangs a Table chained to a Pillar, containing these Inviolable Laws.  

I. That Eating but one Meal a day be henceforth held for A Capital Transgression.  
II. He that overthrows a full Dish, or Cup Rashly, shall be forthwith by This Statute, enjoined Standing upright on his Feet, to have a dish of Broth set between his heels, which he must eat all up with a Thimble.  
III. That none Eat alone, nor violate the Laws of the Table by any private Suppers, upon pain of Eating his next Meal with his heels upwards.  
IV. That if the Mouth be full, it shall be sufficient to answer by holding up the finger.  
V. That breaking Wind, either by belching or otherwise, be held not only Lawful, but Honourable.  
VI That if any one hold his breath while his Belly is Measuring, he shall be forthwith made uncapable of Advancement.  
VII. That no Person shall leave on his Trencher or Plate, any piece of meat, under pretence it is too fat, or will overly his Stomach, under the penalty of being punished for a puny; which is, that he make his next Meal at a Side Board, out of picking the Bones that remained of the last, and this in the sight of all the rest, as well for their Sport, as that it may be a warning to them: for this is held of great Disrepute.  
VIII. That a Register be kept of all Transgressor's from time to time; and that both Gild and Punishment be Recorded; as to place where, and time when; whose Offences may remain as Badges of Disgrace to posterity, and of Fame, Credit, and Worthy Commendations, to such as are Loyal and obedient Observers of the Law.  
Signed All-Paunch.    

Of the Election of the Great DUKE.  
THere is a stately Palace built upon a narrow ledg of Land lying just between Eat-All-Main, and Drink-All-Main: It was built as their Ancient Chronicles Report by a Giant called All-Paunch, who was of an incredible height of Body, Pliny's Orestes: Or, Plutarches Oriana, were but Dwarves in comparison of this almighty All-Paunch; suppose rather that you saw Antaeus, that was Sixty Cubits high, or him whose Carcase was digged up at Drepano, whom the Symetrions judged by his Thighbone, could be no less than two hundred Cubits high. This latter, I suppose, might be the Brother of All-Paunch.  
This All-Paunch was the first that by Conquest drove the Thrivonians out of this Land, brought in a New People, and gave them new Laws, and his Soul they Imagine to be entered into that huge Bird RUC, in which shape they do yearly adore him, and have him in as great reverence as the Turks their Mahomet.  
He Lieth Buried in the midst of the Palace Court, where for a sacred Memorial of him, is a Statue Erected, far higher than Lysippus his Brazen Colossus, and upon the Bases thereof, Like the English Inscription on the London Monument, was this Epigraph fairly engraven in Capital Characters, in the Belly-All-Mic Tongue.  
I All-Paunch, Duke of Belly-All-Main, Lie here Entombed, Dying a Lord, a Victor, a Prince, a Deity. Let none pass by me Fasting, nor name me Hungry, nor salute me Sober: Be mine Heir he that can, my Subject he that will, Mine Enemy he that dare.  
This Dukedom is Elective, their being four chief Linnages or Families that may stand for the Election, which are the Treble-chins, the Bacon-chops, the Woolsacks, and the Tun-Bellies. The Nimble-chops have pretended a Title to their Right in the Election, who after some Debates were cast, so that they may not attain to it, unless first by Adoption into one of those four Royal Families.  
Now this is the Order of the Election, There is Yearly a Tilting ordained, not with Spears, but of Barrels. Whereunto every one comes Armed with his Teeth all new sharpened, and too't they go; where he that unhorses most meat, and lifteth most measures of Wire out of their Pewter Saddles, is Honoured with a Crown of clustred-Vines, and Saluted by the Title of Lord High-Steward of Belly-All-Main, the Duke's next Inferior.  
The Tournament ended, each one ariseth if he can, and laying his hand on the sacred Tomb of dead-Duke All-Paunch, taketh an Oath by the Deities of Bacchus, and the Reverend All-Paunch, to perform his Duty in the Election without partiality.  
Then they depart to the Theatre, and take their places to Behold the Ceremonies of the Election.  
And first cometh forth the new chosen Lord High-Steward, bringing in his hand a Golden Girdle, enchased with Pearls, Diamonds and Rubies: This they call the Sacred Belt of State; then the last years Duke puts it on, and taketh an exact Measure of his own Sowse-tub; so do all the rest of the Nobility after him, one after another; and he that can set it on the Tenters without stretching of his belly, or holding his breath (if it sit so stiff that it must needs be let out one hole more) he is the man that with loud Acclamations both of the Nobility, and Mobile, is proclaimed high Duke of Belly-All-Main. But if none exceed the Magnitude of the former Duke, he holds his Monarchy till the next year, or till another's guts over-vote him by Pole.  
Then cometh his Cupbearer, and upon his knees presents him with a Silver Tankard of some dozen quarts, and entreats his Grace to Drink a health to the People.  
Who taking it, and lifting up the lid, begins an Oration, and taking a fresh Oath by St. All-Paunch, declares that he will be a Bulwark to their Liberties, a Drudge to their Business; a Terror to their Enemies; a Father to their desires; and an Increaser and Inlarger of their Measures; Denounceing himself a professed Enemy to Hunger, and Thirst, to sour Ale, to Meagerness of Wine, Beer, and Bodies, so long as he shall wear that Royal Belt; protesting that none should Fast unpunished, or be Drunk unrewarded.  
Then setting the Tankard to his mouth, stole off the Liquor every drop, save a little remainder which he was by custom to set upon his Thumbs Nail, and lick it off, and so he did; then continuing his Oration, said, From the bottom of my Heart I do wish you continually drunken Heads, full Bellies, and fat Fortunes. Which ended, the Audience bellow out their Applause, with long live Bowsing-gut-Wool-Sack, Caesar Emperor of Belly-All-Main. At least a dozen times, every time inter eccoed with a Volley of Acclamations.  
Then the Lord High-Steward presents him with the Sword and Mace of the Government, which are a great long Knife, and a pretty Golden Tunn, pronouncing according to custom, these words, Use and Enjoy.  
But then for the Coronation Dinner and Supper, O! Monstrous what pyramids of Platters and Chargers! What Mountains of Flesh and Pastery! What Castles of Banquetry! And what Deluges of Wine, Beer, Ale, and Brandy did I behold there! It is impossible to particularise; only this I declare, the Streets that Night were strewed so thick with Drunken Carcases, that 'tis my opinion there were never more Memories left in the Field, of the greatest Massacre that ever this Modern Age was witness of.   

Of Staruling Island: Or, Hungerland  
WE have almost lost the Remembrance of Staruling Island; take it therefore now as a penance for your tedious abode in Eat-All-Main. It lieth under three and thirty Degrees of Longitude; and four and fifty of Latitude, being on the North directly opposite to Cabo Bianco; and on the South unto Filching-Fens. It is a Stony Barren, Grasless, Sandy Soyl.  
There are some Trees in it, but they have no Bark left; no Blossom nor Bud; nay the Weed cannot find in its heart to make the smallest Residence in these quarters.  
The Lands Natural Barrenness affords no distinction either of Summer or Winter; because the Inhabitants snap up their herbs as soon as ever they peep out of the ground.  
All that dwell in these parts are Exiles, and their hue is naturally between a Pale and a Swarthy, their Skins are crumpled like half burnt Parchment, and puckerd like the hide of an Elephant. The alviewing Sun in all his Race never beheld such ghastly Animals; you would swear they were Anatomies covered over with fresh Skins.  
Here you shall have one laying a Plot how to entrap the Flies, there another contriving a conspiracy against the Worms; yonder another sit shaving the Earth's new shorn Beard, to discover the Roots of the ungrown Grass.  
They have a strange and fierce wild Beast Rangeth continually in the Nights all about the deserts of this Island, which they call Empty-Maw; it will keep such a terrible barking, that it makes the hollow Air Echo again; and whosoever in this Island heareth it not bark once in twelve hours, grows immediately Deaf; but he that heareth it thrice in thirty six hours, and giveth it nothing to devour, ere twelve hours more be run, dyeth immediately, provided always he can live no longer.  
Other Beasts I saw none in all this Island, except a sort of Wolves, and some Monkeys that had eaten off great part of their Tails.  
Indeed I durst not make any long abode in so lean a Land, I think it was no great Wisdom: What think you?  
Thus far of Eat-All-Main, and the adjacent Isles; now proceed we to Drink-All-Main, and so good night.   

Of Drink-All-Main, the Second Province of Belly-All-Main.  
YOU cannot expect an exact Description of Drink-All-Main, for I durst not for my Ears enter into any City of the whole Province, until it was dark night, that all the Citizens were wrapped in Wine and warm Clouts; And then how was't possible to discover any thing to purpose? For to tell you the truth, I feared the Burgomaster's bounty; it being their fashion, as soon as any one sets a foot within the City-gate, to give him I know not how many Lifts of Wine for his welcome, receiving him in such Pomp, and State; and all out of the common Purse of the City: All which Folio Cups he must take off, or else he is held an ungrateful, unmannerly fellow. Nay, which is worse, a direct Foe to the common good of the City. Now I feared both this Honour, and this Danger.  
This Province is somewhat larger than Eat-All-Main, being as broad, or rather broader than both the Germanies.  
No Nation under the Cope of Heaven, so fortunate, nor so abounding in the delicate Juce of the Grape as this: The peculiar Wines of all our Europian Kingdoms are here; the Germans Rhenish, the Frenchman's White and Red, the Spaniards Maligo, and the Canaries purest Sack; pshau, they have all, all to Excess.  
The Temperature of their bodies are different from the Eat-All-Mains, who delight in the qualities of heat and drought; whereas the Drink-All-Mains affect heat and moisture; so that the bordering neighbours do jearingly call the Eat-All-Mains Kitchen-Bellies, and the Drink-All-Mains Celerian-Bellies.  
As they are more ingenious than the Eat-All-Mains, so are they more Lascivious. In their youths they are generally quickwitted; but being grown to a Graver Age, especially Old Age, they grow so forgetful, that you shall not have one amongst Twenty that can remember his own name.   

Of the Shires of the Province of Drink-All-Main.  
THE whole Province is Divided into three Counties, the County of Wine-cester, the County of Vsquebah, or Brandy-Bridg, and the County of Hopsack-octun, or Bru-Malta, called by some Strong-Biera.  
Wine-cester is parted from Eat-All-Main, on the West by the River Piss-On, a salt Current that Ebbs and Flows; which River runs round about the Duke's Palace. The Philosophers of this Country affirm, that it hath not its Saltness from the Sea, but from an airy humour that often falls upon it.  
The first Town I came unto in this Region, was called Vine-Spring. It is in form of a five angled Trencher, whose Borders extend as far as Vine-Prop hills; so that some of it became part of the Suburbs of Cluster-Beg, a pretty fine City walled about with Stones of the Colour of Brick, but somewhat deeper of Dye. This City stands in the bottom of Pressing-Dale, a Valley so called; through which runs a delicate River called Juce, which passeth along by three or four pretty Cities, seated upon the the Banks thereof, to the founders eternal commendations.  
Their names are, first Tankards-Bridg, next Tunning-Tree, than Broaching-Ford, and lastly Carousi-Kanikin.  
Tunning-Tree is fortified with a wall of wood, and Broaching Ford hath never but one gate open at once; and that when it is shut, is made fast with nothing but the end of a Faggot stick. There is not in all the World any one River comparable to this, which runs through these Cities; for besides the pleasing meanders that it makes in its wanton course; the water is so sweet and delicate, that neither the best of Europe's Wines, nor the Turks delicious Zerbeth can possibly excel it.  
It hath but one peculiar Fish belonging to it called a Tap, and this Fish will sometimes lie by the Shore, and spout a huge deal of the water aloft; and it is somewhat more pleasing in taste than before, and this the Inhabitants watch for in Boats; and when they get it, make great store of it.  
This River, as I told you, passeth through Tunning-Tree: but hold, I had forgotten one Town, it goeth from thence to Celleridg, ere it come to Broaching-Ford, and so by Broaching-Ford passeth directly unto Carousi-Kanikin, the prime City of the whole Province.   

The Description of Carousi-Kanikin the chief City of Drink-All-Main, as also the Fashions, and Manners of the Drink-All-Mains.  
CArousi-Kanikin is a name, I understand not farther then what light I have of it from the Germane tongue.  
The City is built upon a Hill, and carrieth the form of a Tankard from what Quarter so ever you behold it.  
It is of Ancient Renown, and one of the best seated Ports for Traffic in all the whole Land.  
It is strongly fortified with Barricado's, and Bulwarks built all of Barrels, the Roofs also of the houses are tiled with the Board's of broken Casks.  
In the entrance of the gate is placed a double Cannon of Pewter, charged to the Muzzel. This their Law Commands to be duly observed; the Citizens call it the Flagon of Hospitality, and round about it are these words Engraven'd, Aut Bibe Aut Abi, drink or be packing; and whosoever ariveth, must either drink it all off, or be carried before the Magistrate to Render an account of his Contumacy.  
But by chance, I met with a Traveller who was bound to the City as will a I; who being acquainted with their fashions, brought me secretly by night into the Town, and showed me such things as I should never have discovered of myself.  
The Fronts of their Buildings are so wholly hid with spreading Vines, that had I not seen the Signs hang out on every side, I should have sworn I had been in a Vineyard, and not in a City: it is indeed a very pleasant Prospect.  
In the Marketplace are all the Measures hung up in chains, Sealed with the Duke's Stamp.  
The Inhabitants go all naked, but for a Wreath of Vines about their Foreheads; but their skins are all painted after the manner of the Ancient Picts, every one after what form he pleases: you shall see some so perfectly painted like Flagons, that if one of them set but his Arms a Kimbo, you would swear it was a living Flagon with two Handles: I saw one painted so directly in the shape of a Whale, that when he Vomited, no Man in the World, but would have taken him for a live Whale Spewing up the Ocean.  
I had a great desire to see the manner of their Public Feasts, and not be seen by the Citizens; and mine Host with much entreaty agreed to perform my Requests, giving me withal certain Cautions of Danger; and likewise informed me in some necessary Points of Behaviour; So mine Host and I got us into the Town-Hall in the Evening unespyed, by and by came the Feasters, and taking their places just as the Eat-All-Mains did, only these had less Meat, and more Drink.  
At first they began a Sacrifice to Bacchus, their general god, whose Statue standeth at the upper end of the Table, holding in his right Hand supported by his left, a mighty Goblet: into this standing Cup, the Master of the Ceremonies, in the Name of the whole Company, pours a Hogshead of Wine (for it holds no less) which passeth in Pipes, as through Veins into his Body, and from thence he pisseth it, till it be all out; and this is the Hourglass, proportioning the continuance of the Feast; for when he leaves pouring out, they must all leave pouring in, and that upon pain of Sacrilege.  
Then comes up a Service; I protest at first sight, I took it for a Dish of Shooing-Hornes, but upon stricter Observation, found they were Red-Herrings: There was also a Dish of Anchovis, with Capers, and Pickled-Cowcumbers; and lastly, a Westphalia-Gamon.  
Then begins the Full-pots to move about the Table, and the empty ones against the Wall; so that one could not possibly tell, whether they were sooner filled to be emptied, or emptied to be filled.  
Now, when one of them will Drink to another, he first Challengeth him with a Solemn Ceremonious Song: Then they join hands fast together, and giving a sound shake, the Challenger Advanceth his moistened Weapon, and blows it dry: he may puff a little, but the Pot must be sure to be Discharged of its Liquor, ere it be severed from his Gripe; and then the other answers him at his own Weapon.  
Well, the Seasoning Banquet being Devoured, and the Cloth thrust up on a heap: The Master of the Ceremonies Cryeth, Healths, Three times, with an Audable Voice: And I supposing this had been a Summons to the breaking up of the Company, began to be jogging, till my Host pulling me by the Sleeve, told me, the Feast was hardly begun: Pray stay (quoth he) and see the Conclusion; don't you see how fast god Bacchus' Hourglass Runs? So I sat down again.  
Then steps me out one of the Company, and taking off his Wreath, down upon his Knees he falls, (I thought he had been going to Prayers) and presently calls for a Quart. A Health quoth he to Great Bowsing-gut Woolsack Duke of Belly-All-Main, and presently the Pot stops his Breath, he Drinks, he Puffs, he Belches, he Talks, until within a while he had Gulped down as many Quarts as his Name had Letters in it: and when he had done, falls a Spewing, till all cried Twang again.  
Well, they all follow in Order, from the Highest to the Lowest, each one with the same Pot, Execution, and Ejection, proving himself thereby a Faithful Citizen; this past, up starts another with this Catch.  
A Health to thee, and every Swain,  
That Wisheth well to Drink-All-Main.  
Seasoning his Song with many a Goodly Belch, and so down upon his Marrowbones, and up with the Pot hand smooth, the Devil a Bone finds he in the Drink; and after him they must all Follow; woe be to him that Hangs an Ars.  
This Shower overblown, out steps a Third, Advancing a quart of Plump Claret to the Health of all the Quagmirists, which is the General Name of the Nobility of this Famous City of Carousi-Kanikin; briefly after him they go, and thus every man in Order brings in his Foundation of a new Round.  
Now every man having his Share, they must each one in Order (Pox on't that Madded me) go play the Poet, out of the Inspiration of Bacchus only, every one Sings his own Song; and instead of Harps, they have their Knives and the quart Pots, and truly they made fine Music on't. One in his Song commends his Mistress, another the Goodness of the Wine, a Third Relates all the Passages between him and his Wife at home, another Rhimes all in satire against one that was not at this Drinking, every one keeping Time with the Music.  
While these Songs were Singing, it was strange to see their several Postures, and Behaviours; you shall see one for pure Love weeping in his Fellows Bosom, another sit kissing his Companion, one in an Ecstasy of Laughter, though himself knows not at what, another down upon all four in Devotion to Bacchus, another Arguing of Religion, and matters of State; and here in a Corner, you shall have another sit Nodding, and Slavering: 'Twould do a Blind man's heart good to see it. But all this while the Cup is not forgotten.  
Well, the Hourglass being run all out, they Rise (if they can) and with wheeling Compliments, are taking Leave of each other.  
One thing my thought was very Observable; they have certain Flamens, who are Priests to Bacchus, who frequent these Revelling Feasts, they go Clothed only in a Gown of Black, girt about their Wastes, with a Silken Cord; and seeing these amongst the rest in motion, I could not choose but smile; for their all black Bodies, and shining Rubric Faces, seemed just like so many Charcoles' lighted at one end, dancing the Hay amongst the Reeling Multitude.  
Well, but quoth I to mine Host, how the Devil will they get all home now? Fear nothing quoth he, don't you see those Ropes there in the Court, that are fastened to them Iron Rings, Sir they have an Officer who is always kept Sober for the purpose, he guides each person to his Rope's end, the other end being fastened to the Door of each man's House, these Ropes are as good to them, as the Clue of Thread in Rosamonds Bower, or Ariadne's that guided Theseus from the Labyrinth of Minotaur: very likely quoth I, But what if an unhappy Wag should come in the mean time, and tie the Ropes farther end to the wrong door? Why, do you think, quoth he smiling, that any are awake in this City in the Night? Yet I have known it done, and the men have gone to bed to other men's Wives, who perhaps being as Drunk as they, never discovers the matter till next day at noon, and then, that which they ignorantly committed, they make a double sport of, and is but the Preface to repeated Impressions. For it is a Principle here, that a Drunken man can never Offend, it being the Effects of Bacchus.  
Well, They being gone, mine Host and I broke off discourse, and very privately sneaked home to our Quarters.   

Of the Knights of the Golden-Tun, and the Laws of the Drink-All-Mains.  
IN the Town-Hall, properly called Gulpers-Court, hangeth the Golden-Tun, which is the Ancient Emblem of the Knights of that Order.  
He that can drink this Vessel Thrice off, and go his way without Indenting, for his Good Service is presently Knighted by the Great Duke, and hath a Chain of Extraordinary Value bestowed upon him.  
These Knights have a large Charter, and are allowed many goodly Privileges; they bear absolute Command in all Taverns and Alehouses, as also at all public Revels, and are allowed to Furnish so many Soldiers in Pewter Jackets, out of any man's Cellar in the Town.  
These hardy men have great Conflicts at every public Meeting, their Weapons are full charged Cups, and he that carrieth most of them away clear, is Conqueror, and leads the rest about the Town (if they can go) in Triumph; and by this Trial, they prove who is the Victor, if he can put his Finger into the Flame of the Candle, without playing hit I, miss I, let him Spew whole Fishponds is held a Sober man, and wears the Wreath of Conquest for that day.  
Over the entrance of Gulpers-Court is Engraved this Couplet in the Belly-All-mic Tongue.  
The House of youthful Mirth, and Lusty Cheer,  
Peace, Wine, Sport, Rest, have all their Mansions here.  
Upon the two heads of the Golden Tun, in a fair Character is written some of the Principal Laws of the Drink-All-Mains, which I carefully Copied.  

I. That all Promises, Bills, Bonds, Indentures, Bargains, or any other Conveyances whatsoever, made, or caused to be made in the Afternoon, shall be utterly void and of no Effect.  
II. That if any one cast away any Liquor, or Bottom, which is called a Snuff, he shall be forthwith enjoined to lie flat upon the ground, and snuff up the same into his Nostrils.  
III. That every one pledge his Challenger in the same Cup, and after the same fashion, upon pain of drinking the quantity double out of a pisspot.  
IV. That the pots be either always full or empty, for the Waiter that presents a pot half filled, and the Person that takes it, shall be both guilty of the breach of good fellowship.  
V. That he that being sober shall strike him that is drunk; shall be thenceforth disabled for giving Testimony in any cause whatsoever, but the drunken man striking the sober shall be acquitted.  
VI That he that goeth from any public Meeting without staggering, shall be accounted a Malefactor, in a high degree; and if it be made appear that he counterfeiteth Reeling, thereby to avoid the disgrace, he shall be proceeded against as a Traitor to the Laws of All-Paunch.  
VII. That all that stay three days in this City of Carousi-kanikin, do offer Sacrifice to Bacchus.  
VIII. That he that mixeth Water with his Wine, shall be forthwith obliged to Drink a brimmer of Hoggwash.  
IX. That he that striketh with a Pot, be enjoined to have his hands Tied behind him, and take up every Cup that comes to his turn in his Teeth, during the continuance of the Banquet.  
Subscribed Stil-Yard.    

Of the Arts, and Military Disciplines of the Drink-All-Mains.  
THe People of this Province are almost all blear-eyed, and troubled with the Palsy.  
They have some Poets among them whom they never Crown with Laurel (because that Tree is a foe to the Vine) but with Ivy: these are the very Offscum of the Rascally Rabble, the veriest Lack-Latins, and most Vnalphabetical Raggabashes, that ever bred Louse, living only by other men's Trenchers.  
These fill all the Taverns in Town with Epigrams, Elegies, and Epitaphs, which would make one's Ears Blister to hear them: They have had but one good Poet this Twenty Years, and his Talent lies in Drollery; but for the most part Prose, who is an excellent Observator of the Times, and Seasons, and can with much Facility Convert all Occurrences to Comedy, and represent all Comedy in the morose habit of Tragedy. These Poets have the same sway over the Ballad Makers, as the Knights of the Tunn have over the barrels.  
The Drink-All-Mains go often to War in Assistance of the Eat-All-Mains; but they never go armed, no not so much as with a Shirt on their backs, their Lances are saplings of Elms, sharpened and hardened at the Spires in the Fire; one would swear in beholding them at a distance, they were a moving Hop-garden; but notwithstanding (for stand well they cannot) 'tis admirable to see both their Valour in Fight, and Fortune in Conquest.  
They have a Law that none must go sober to the Field; so that Wine maketh them as Bold as Lions, Audaces fortuna Juvat, fortune helps the forward.   

Of the Funerals of one the Chief Quagmirist's.  
ONe of the Quagmirist's whose House was of some height, being loose in the hilts, and intending to go where neither Pope nor Emperor can send an Ambassador, being throughly tap-shackled, mistook the Window for the door, and steping rashly on, down he came with the wrong end forward, and in plain English broke his Neck.  
His Funerals was very richly set forth; I can tell, for I was there; every man was painted over with black for that day, and wore a Cypress wreath instead of his Vines. The Body was not laid in a Coffin, but put into a Cask half full of Wine, and so Borne to the Grave, and rolled in rather to a Cistern of Sack, than a Grave of Earth; and was rather drowned, than buried; each one having instead of Rosemary, a Can of Wine his hand, which they threw into the Grave, Can an all; and taking their leaves in these Words, thrice repeated, Adieu sweet Corpulent Countryman: and instead of putting finger in Eye, each thrusts his finger into his Mouth, and disgorges, instead of tears some Quarts: Then hand in hand to the Tavern they go to drink his Remembrance.  
This Quagmirist it seems was well esteemed amongst them, for he had a Statue erected in Bacchus' Court, and under it these two Verses in the Belly-All-Mic Tongue.  
Though he mistook his Window for his Door,  
His Valiant Death shall make his Honour more.  
Now I had stayed two days in this City, without being demanded what I was; but then mine Host came and told me, if I stayed one day longer, I must prepare myself to Sacrifice to Bacchus: For quoth he, I must not conceal you any longer, unless you would have me forsworn. No quoth I, pray tell me then the Custom and I'll either perform it, and stay longer, or get me gone presently, and rid us both from danger.  
Well Sir, quoth he, saw you not the Statue of Bacchus yesterday in Gulpers-Court? And the great Goblet he holdeth, wherein they poured the Wine that issued from his Yard? Yes that I did, said I. Well then, quoth he, you must set your Mouth to this Tap, and suck till you be able to stand no longer, but fall flat to the ground, and so must you lie under the Spout till all be run out upon you: How like you this? Faith not altogether so delightful qnoth I; But pray tell me, was there ever any Strangers that offered this Sacrifice? All, All, quoth he, not a man escapes it: Too't he must in spite of his nose: some will come willingly, but others are fain to be hailed to their Teat, like a Bear to the Stake. Well Sir quoth I, but I'll be jogging, only I entreat you to inform me what Country in this Tract is next in Dignity to this of yours, and worthiest of a Traveller's observation; and he told me Brandy-Burgh, by some called, Liquor-Ardence, it is under the Government of Sir Limbeck-Stilletory, a Knight of the Noble Family of King Cups; so leading me forth, showed me; the way as plain as Dunstable-Road; and then courteously gave me the Basio Les Manos; and I thanked him heartily for his Valiendo, and parted.   

Of Brandy-burgh, or Liquor-ardens', and of the Pilgrimage of St. Brochio.  
ALl alone I took my way toward the North, leaving the River Forth behind me, until I came to Spews-bury, the filthiest Town that ever I saw since my Mother bound my head; I stayed not long there (I had not need) but passed on, till I came to Coopers-Norton, a pretty well seated Village, but not a drop of Water was to be got in it, for Love nor Mony. The Reason is (as I heard afterwards) lest they should mix it with the Wine, and so prove bad Commonwealths men.  
I was as much troubled with Pots and Flagons in my Journey, as a Traveller in Spain or Italy is with Crosses; I could not go two Miles to an end, but I should find a bouncing Tankard kenneled under an Arch; and Drink I must, no gainsaying the Laws.  
At last I overtook a Traveller in a Tattered Cassock of Haircloath, Barefoot and bareheaded, and demanding whither he Travelled; Sir quoth he, on Pilgrimage to St. Brochio of Bottles-brook: I questioned him at large of the Towns Situation and Discipline, and also of the Virtues of this St. Brochio. (Quoth he) Bottles-brook is seated in the Confines of Brandy-burgh, in the Town is a Temple of Bacchus-Fiery-Face. They call it Chapel Ardent. The top of this Temple is all set with Carbuncles and sparkling Diamonds, and Rubies very Rich to behold: And from the Embowed Arch there drops (they say) a king of hot Fuming Liquor, which is received into a Vessel placed for that purpose, whose Virtue is such, that if one drink a large Draught of it with good Devotion, he shall never after either be Drunk before Noon, or Thirst before Midnight; both which helps may do me much good, for I am a man so employed in my Country, that I can never lie in my Bed till Midnight for Thirst, nor never Rise in the Morning; but before Noon, I am Drunk and fast asleep again: therefore have I gone these three days without Drinking, because I would merit the more of this Holy Saint, when I come there: nor dares any importune me to Drink, or any in my company as long as I wear this Weed.  
I was glad of so good a Privilege, and entreated his Company and Patronage. Well, we went Chatting on, until I observing the Soil altered, asked where we were now?  
This Country (quoth he) ever since we came over the Lake-Metheglin, is called the County of Vsquebah, being the first Shire of Brandy-burgh; it is not so well Husbanded, yet is more fertile than our County of Wine-cester, both in Fatness of Soil, and pureness of Air; the People of this Nation are generally Slovenly, and of a Fierce and Terrible Aspect, yet they used us very kindly; we lodged in a little City, (I have forgot the Name of it) very quietly, for we found almost all the Town dead Drunk, at our coming; and left them so at our parting.  
And next day Travelling through many Craggy, Fenny, Woody passages, we arrived at a Famous Port-Town called, Aqua Fort: (Now quoth I) being as weary as a Dog, is not this Bottles-brook? No (quoth he) but cheer up, for we go not a Foot more by Land, all the rest of our Journey is by Water.  
Well, to Ship we went, and by this time imagine us Launched into the Main Ocean; but what an eminent Danger, think you we escaped there? Our Mariners were all as drunk as Wheelbarrows, not a man could guide himself, one was asleep at the Helm, another going about to Row, fell overboard; whom two more seeking to hall up again, had not we two held them, had both fallen after; a third quarrels and lays a fourth over the Pate for not helping his fellow, he strikes again, and too't they go, fight Dog, fight Bear: All the rest divided themselves into two parties; now flew the ponderous Oars about their Ears, and hand Spikes and Pump-staves. The water was quiet, and every one used his Oar in the Air; but indeed they were easily knocked down, whose hamstrings Bacchus had already cut in two, only two stood Conquerors, who being too weary of the Massacree fell upon us; but we scorning to be put down by a couple of walking Tankards, got up a Brace of Cudgels, disarmed them, bound them fast to the Mast, and played the Sailors ourselves; but our Vessel sympathising with her Ancient Masters, did so reel from side to side, that had not a brisk gale sprung us forward, we had laid our Bones in the Bottom of those Seas.  
As we passed on, I descried asfar off a high smoking Land, and enquiring of my Fellow Traveller how it was called: That Smoak quoth he comes out of Mount Dennis, wherein the Souls of such as lived too sober, are purified by Fire, until some of their Living-Friends go on Pilgrimage to Chappel-Ardent for a Bottle of St. Brochio's Liquor, and pouring it upon their Tombs they are freed. I smiled at this, and thought now sure I have found the Original of Purgatory.  
Well, by that time our Sailors were sober, our Ship became drunk; for we sustained a most Terrible Tempest, which lasted all night in most violent manner; but growing somewhat calmer with the day's approach, we with comfort had the prospect of our desired Port, which in little time (though with great difficulty) we attained; I was cold and faint, and the motion of the Ship had so jumbled my brains together, that my head seemed to turn round upon my shoulders, as if it had been set on with a Swivel: I wished heartily for a Dram of Dr. Stephens, and entering the first door I found open, got such refreshment as the Country afforded, and whilst I was thus recruiting my Spirits, my fellow Traveller seeing a sheet or Writing Paper lie on the Counter, exercised his skill in Poetry, expressing the Terror of the late Storm; at which I was very well pleased and therefore took a Copy, which take you as freely.  

All Round the Horizon Black Clouds appear,  
A Storm is near.  
Darkness Eclipseth the scerener Sky,  
The Winds grow high.  
Making the surface of the Ocean show,  
Like Mountains lofty, and like Valleys low.   

The weighty Seas are rolled from the Deeps,  
In Mighty heaps.  
And from the Rocks Foundations do arise,  
To kiss the Skies.  
Wave after Wave in Hills each other crowds,  
As though the Deeps resolved to storm the Clouds.   

How did the surging Billows Beat and Roar?  
Against the Shore.  
Threatening to bring the Land under their Power,  
And it devour.  
The curled Waves against the Land were hurled,  
As to a Choas they would shake the World.   

The Earth did interpose the Prince of Light,  
'Twas sable Night.  
All Darkness was but when the Lightnings fly,  
And Light the Sky.  
Night, Thunder, Lightning, Rain and Blustering Wind,  
To make a Storm, had all their Forces joined.    

A Description of Bottles-Brook.  
WE found this a pretty sweet Town in truth; it is paved with Bottles, and roofed with Leathern Budgets; I do not remember I saw any Artificer in all the Town, but Leathern Jack-makers, and Tailors for Bottle-Cases. So that now I saw where the Eat-All-Mains had utterance for their Hides.  
The Men of this Town and Country, use no pure Wine, but certain Distilled Waters, mixed with the strongest Grape that they can get, which are so forcibly hot, that the brittle Glass cannot hold them; and therefore they are driven to fortify their Bottles with Leathern Doublets, Riveted together with Pitch and Rozin.  
The Citizens are fiery of Face, and choleric of Conditions, and of a staggering manner of Pace in their Going; but that which is most terrible of all, they drink and they belch nothing but Flames: one of them is able to drink as much Fire, as one of us can Water. A Man would veryly imagine when he saw them, that they were so many Fire-Drakes, Or, St. George's Dragons: I was in danger before of drowning in Water, but now I feared nothing but stifling with Fire.  
There I left my Companion to his Orisons; I loved him well, but myself better, and the next morning got me out of this Vulcan's Shop, this Cyclops Forge; and being upon my way, began to consult which myself, if it were not convenient to Travel towards Brewmaulta, to observe the manners, and fashions of the Hopsackoctuns. But considering as my Pilgrim had told me, it was the basest part of the Land, and (but that it is more Beastlike) differs in nothing from the other parts of Drink-All-Main. And while I was thus plodding on, with many Cogitations in my mind what to do, to my great surprise rushes forth an Ambush of armed Shee-Landesses, besieged me, took me, bound me, and carried me Prisoner (the more unfortunate man I) a long and toilsome Journey, even to the chief City of the Land called Gossip-Pingoa.    

THE Second Part.  

The Description of Womandecoia: Or, Shee-Landt, of the Situation and Parts thereof.  
THE New Discovered Womandecoia: Or, Shee-Landt, lieth in that part of the Southern Continent, which our Geographers of Europe called Psytaccorum-Regio, the Land of Parrots; the North side is bounded upon Lecheritania, the South upon Thrivingois, the East upon two of the Foolianas', the Fickle, and the Fat: The Soil thereof is very Fruitful, but badly Husbanded. It is divided into many Provinces, both large and rich, yet all of several Conditions, Habits and Languages. The Principal of them are these, Tatlington, Soldonia, Blubberick, Giglot-Tangier high and low, Cockatrixia, Sluts-Burrow, Shrows-Burgh, and Blackswans-Mark, otherwise called Modestiana; many of these Provinces did I pass through, though against my will; but to speak Truth, Tatlington is the best Country of them all, and hath many fair Cities in it, as Pratlingnople, Tales-borne and Lips-wagg; through the last of which runneth a great River called Slaver, which sometimes will overflow the Banks, and drown all the lower part of the Country, as far as Chin-dale; but the Inhabitants have lately devised strong rampiers of Bones, and bend Leather, to keep it from breaking out.  
Of all the Cities of Tatlington, or of all Womandecoia, Gossipingoa is the Principal, thither was I brought Prisoner: Therefore take first an Account of their dealing with me, and then I'll proceed to Describe the conditions of these New Nations.   

How Quevedo was used by the Gossipingoesses.  
BEing brought to this City, and so to the Court, a Bell was caused to be tolled, and presently all the Inhabitants came flocking together, whose diligent eyes began to survey me narrowly, who stood bound fast enough for attempting Resistance, or offering to make any escape.  
At length in the midst of the Multitude, I could hear one bawl out for silence, this by her Garb and port, I supposed to be their Captainess, who by many signs and much a do, had somewhat abated the claimer; so that with an elevated voice, I could hear her address her Speech to the rest after this manner. Uncontrollable and Undaunted Gossipingoesses, Be it known unto you, that we took this Fellow, in the Confines of that damned Country of Letcheritania, who are a People you well know that have offered us the greatest of injuries: I therefore hold it fit in taking Revenge of them to begin with this Prisoner, and if my advice may Gain your Approbation, let him be condemned to run the Gauntlet To morrow stark naked, through our Regiment of Auxilaries.  
She having made an end of my severe Sentence, (with much ado for the noise to be heard) I got leave to speak for myself, declaring my Nation to be Old England; (had I said Spain, I had been ruined to all intents and purposes.) The cause of my wand'ring to make some new Discoveries, of this unknown part of the Earth, that I was no Letcheritanian, nor had no acquaintance with any of them: Telling her Ladyship that it would derogate much from her Nature and Clemency, and from the Honour of her Just Government, to condemn an innocent Pilgrim.  
Well, these good words I can tell you wrought so pretty well, that the poor Young Wenches began most of them to weep; but the Old Countesses were not so soon Mollified; but to the Louse house I must go, till my Country, and cause of Travel was more clearly made manifest before the Grand-Shee-Councel, into whose presence I was brought with a Guard next Morning.  
Where, if it had not been for my feigned Country's Name, the only Paradise for Women, which pleaded on my side, I had received Sentence immediately.  
Which the Speaker of the Grand Counsel called there the Pratris, signified to me in these Words, Sir, It is the Pleasure of this Honourable Counsel, Both to remit your Punishment, and give you Liberty, because they have heard that your Country is Famous for the Freedom of Females.  
So I was there immediately quitted by Proclamation, but not without an Oath; for I was brought to Janus Altar, and laying my hand on the same, swore solemnly to observe all these Conditions following.  
I. That I should never go about to Injure this Noble Sex, by Word nor Deed.  
II. That I should never Interrupt a Woman in her Talk.  
III. That I should commit the whole Rule of the House to my Wife.  
IV. That I should never betray any Woman's Secrets.  
V. That I should never deny my Wife any Woman's Ornaments.  
VI That I should continually (no matter whether right or wrong) declare the praise of Women, for Beauty, Wit, and Eloquence, and defend it against all men.  
Now therefore, you see my Tongue is tied by Oath, not to tell all the Cunundrums that I saw amongst these mad Wenches; somewhat I may say, but no harm; and I'll venture to stretch as far as I can without Violating my Oath.   

Their Forms of Government, and Elections of Persons of State.  
THeir State is popular, each one seeking Superiority; and avoiding Obedience, they have no absolute Laws, but do every thing by the number of their Voices: But the manner of giving up their Votes amazed me, being unacquainted therewith; for they set up a cry altogether, none gives ear, but every one yells as if she were stark staring mad.  
They hold a continual Parliament about their more Weighty Affairs of State; now this continuance is necessary, because of their Laws uncertainty; for the Decrees of this Day may be all disannulled to morrow, but the same day they cannot, lest their Lawgivers should seem unconstant.  
Every one's voice is a like in worth, the whole City through, but not every one's Dignity; for they have a certain number of chosen Women, which they call Gravesses; and these have great Authority and Honour in each particular City; but they are not born to this Dignity, but Elected.  
They had once a Custom to Elect those Gravesses by Vote from amongst themselves, but every one giving her Vote for herself only, it bred a strange confusion; which made them Abolish that kind of Election, and make a Decree, that only such should have a Right to Vote, as would profess themselves neither Young, Fair, nor Eloquent; and this brought all things to as bad a pass as the other extreme; for now there was not one that would Vote for any body at all; so that the State was like to want Governesses.  
At length they all agreed (and that was very strange) to pass over those places of Electresses, unto Twelve of the most aged Matrons of Old Mumpington, a ruinous Village hard by, giving them the glorious Titles of Electres Gravessial, to set them the more agog to perform their charges.  
Instead of Sceptres and Swords, the Gravesses have Fans and Glasses born before them, great square Crystal Glasses. And always as they pass along through the Streets, they prink up their Atires, and Ornaments, and set their Bulls, and curled Towers, in even and decent Order.   

The Original of the Shee-Landesses.  
THere are few of these Shee-Landesses born in this Nation, and those are such as are transported hither in their Mother's bellies; but the Principal Inhabitants, are either such as will needs wear their Husband's Breeches, or such as the Husband's Jealousy Banishes; these run Flocking from all parts hither.  
Now all such as are their Husband's Masters, and are thereupon banished for their unjust claim to Sovereignty, these are assigned to inhabit the frontiers of Shee-Landt, especially in the Countries of Shrows-burgh, and there they are all put in Garrisons.  
But as for those that are Voluntier Exiles, being generally of Meek Spirits, they are seated in the heart of the Land, to become Votaresses to Peace and Beauty.  
Yet there is no fear that this weal Public should go to ruin for want of Members; and I'll tell you why, because there are so many Volunteers comes to this Camp, that the fear is rather want of room for new Inhabitants then otherwise.  
I am in great fear, lest my Country Women should have any understanding of this State; for if once they scent it, or get the least smatch of this Land of uncontrolled Liberty, we may e'en go hang ourselves; for the Devil a Female will stay amongst us, nay (which will be dreadful) we shall not have one big-Belly left, to lay the Foundation of a future Age by. Therefore let me entreat you Sir, as you love the preservation of our Linneage, and the General Multiplication of Mankind, be silent in this so important a matter, and keep this Secret, as it highly concerns us undiscovered from our giddy Females, unless we can find a better means of Generation.   

Of Giglot-Tangier.  
AT Gossipingoa, I Obtained, besides my Freedom, the City's Letters for my passport; and from thence took my way towards Giglot-Tangier, a Country lying upon the South part of Womandecoia toward Letcheritania: the Land of itself in these parts, is the World's Paradise. It is not many Leagues from Loves-Den, which is the first Town in this Road; here I entered into an Air as delicately scented, as if all the Perfumers in England had lately played their prizes here for Sovereignty.  
The whole Country round about is crowded with Apothecaries and Pomandrificoes.  
The Women of this Wapentake, are generally Tall, and Excellently adorned with Millinery and Rich Laces; only they practise the Art of Cheek-oyling too much, thereby to help the defects of Nature, by the Effects of Art; they wear nothing on their Faces, nor on their Breasts; for their Habit it is fair in show, light in weight, and so easy to mount with the smallest puff of Air; some of them have their Naked parts crusted over with gross painting, but this is most commonly used by the Commoners of Merritrixton, who are now no entire Nation, but scattered (as are the Jews in Europe) through all the Provinces of Shee-Landt.  
The Women of Shameless (for so they call the Shire-Town of Giglot-Tangier) have their Houses (Except four Pillars that supports the Roof) built all with Muscovy Glass as transparent as Air.  
It is lost labour to seek any of them at home, unless you make your Inquest immediately upon their dressing-time, or somewhat before, but lay your Plot to seek them at a Play house, or in a Tavern; and it stands upon a good Foundation, for there you may be sure to find them in droves either Laughing, Singing or Danceing, or very diligently employed in some such Exercise all the Afternoon.  
There is one Street in this Town where are more Danceing Schools, than there are Colleges, both in Oxford and Cambridg, and produces more Practitioners and Proficients; and since the Inhabitants are so merrily conceited, Take the account in four or five Brace of Gingle's.  
High-Clif-Rad-Way, for so the Street is Named,  
For frisking Female Academies Famed.  
The Language of the Feet is there Instructed,  
And though some Brisk Ones daily are deducted.  
From those well-peopled Schools, whose constant Trade is,  
To teach true Vaulting to the Youthful Ladies.  
There still remains such Crowds of Beauteous Ones,  
Would stock a Court as Large as solomon's.  
But leaving to their Studies my Brisk Lasses,  
To Shrows-Burgh I, from Giglot-Tangier passes.  
But leaving the Road on my Right hand, Noot a boon Sax Mayls an a waa Bit, (according to the pronounciation of the Natives) wide of this Town of Shameless, lieth Sluts Burrow: Or, as the Neighbour Countries call it Scotts-Brough: To this Town (though it was out of my way) I Traveled, because I would pass by no curiosities; and here I was fitted.  
The Air I think might be wholesome, but for the stinking Inhabitants.  
Their Beasts hereabouts (as there are a great many) are generally small, women only excepted.  
They have great store of Fowl also, as foul Houses, foul woollen, foul Linen, foul Pots, foul Dishes, and foul Trenchers.  
I saw but little Grass but what was in their Pottage: The word Hay is heathen Greek to them, neither Man nor Beast knows what it means.  
I made but small stay here, for I thought it not safe, unless a man could have (for every Morsel which he eats) an Antidote, therefore by the same way I came, I returned toward Shrows-Burg, and glad was I, that I was got into the fresh Air again.   

Of Shrews-Burg.  
IN my return from the Confines Giglot-Tangier, being now upon the most Western Angle of the same, I happened (just as my Staff fell) into the Country of Shrews-Burg, the only Garrison of this Feminine Government, and the only defence it hath against Foreign Invasions.  
Here I was finely gulled, for seeing Persons in the Habits of men, this is good thought I, I am now gotten out of Womandecoia; but when all came to all, I found myself palpably cozened with a borrowed shape; for in this Country Women wear Breeches and long. Periwigs, and Men go with their Chins naked in Jesticoes and Petticoats, Spinning and Carding Wool, whilst their Wives discharge the main Affairs of State: the Barbarians in Aristotle's time never used their Women half so Imperiously as the men are used here; the poor Snakes dare not so much as wipe their Mouths unless their Wives bid them, nor so much as visit the places of ease, or speak a word with their best Friend, but they must first come to their Wives with a Petition of Quaeso Magristra, Good Mistress give me leave to go, etc. I Observed this Custom strictly required, and the neglect more narrowly peeped into one certain day when I was there, than at other times.  
The reason was, because some of the better-spirited Husbands disdaining to be chained in this unmanly Subjection by their Tyrannising Wives, had laid a Plot among themselves, to rise unanimously on an appointed Night in open Arms, and on a sudden, against this Female Government, thereby resolving to shake off this Infamous and Disgraceful Servitude. This Plot had took very good Effect, had not Misfortune crossed their good Intentions, and Valiant Resolutions.  
Which was by the Means of one Cowardly, low-Spirited, narrow-souled, Henhearted Fellow of their confederacy, who being threatened by his Wife to be sound cudgeled, for some other private Fault; to procure himself a pardon, went and Revealed the whole Platform of the Conspiracy, just the Evening before the Night appointed for the performance.  
The Women sit at meat, and the Men attend; the Women sleep, and the Men watch; the Women scold and fight, while the Men are fain to ward with their ears, head and shoulders.  
What an uncomely sight was it to see a Distaff and Spindle in a Man's hand, and a Sword and Buckler in a Woman's? yet I concealed my dislike as well as I could, desiring only to see without suffering.  
If any Woman use her Husband somewhat gentlier than Ordinary, (as some of them are tenderhearted) she is presently informed against, and cited to appear before the High Court of Parliament of Shrews-Burg, and there Indicted of High Treason against the State; her next Neighbours give Evidence against her with such a noise and fury, that it is strange to see their Impatience.  
If she be but convicted by the smallest circumstance that is, she is immediately condemned to this Punishment; first, she must change attires with her Husband, and then shave off all her hair; and so being led by a strong Guard of armed Shrews-Burgisses, through the Marketplace to the High-Cross, where she must stand one whole day upon the Pillory, as an Object to all the fleering Scoffs, and Derisions of those Crowds of Spectatresses; nor shall the man escape scot-free, for being so audacious to accept of the favours offered by his Wife, without a modest refusal. And when the Woman comes home, she must not put off those Garments, or reassume her others, until she brings a Cudgel into the Court all died with the fresh blood of her Husband's broken pate.  
He that out-liveth his Wife, must either marry his Maid, and be sworn to her service, as he was to his former Wives, or else he must become Slave to the next Neighbour's Wife, wherein he hath this favour allowed, to choose whether to his right-hand Neighbours, or to his lefthand Neighbours; and this Law they call An Act of Grace.  
For no man in this City may be the Ruler of his own House.  
In this Country, when the Wife goeth forth either to Wars, Consultations, or for pleasure, she leaveth her Keys, and therewith her whole Authority and Government to her Maid, or her Daughter; either of which, if the Husband but once mutter against, or grumble to obey, nay, should he but pout, or go unwillingly about the performance of his duty, his shoulders are sure to suffer severely for it at his Wives return, unless he can either beg or bribe the Silence of the Deputy-Governesses.  
They never Lie with their Husbands, but when an Appetite (for you know what makes them sharp set) for that they hold would procure too much Familiarity: Notwithstanding, If the Husband arise not out of his cabin in the entry, or under the Stairs, before the Wife be warm in her Bed, and coming up stairs barefoot, knock three times very gently at her Chamber door, and offer her his Service in a Low voice, and wait her Answer, he is sure to be Dissiplined with a Bastinado next Morning.  
The Women of this Country observe a Fashion directly contrary to Ours, for they clip their hair, and let their Nails grow long.  
There are also certain amongst them that are Professors of the Noble Science of Offence, and keep Free-Schools, wherein the rest are taught all the Wards Offensive and Defencive, both of Heels, Nails and Teeth; as also the most Exact and modish Methods of Clawing off the Skin of men's Faces, Picking out of Eyes, Biting of Arms, wring of Ears, and tearing of Hair. These Lectures they are instructed in both by Precept and Practice.  
I met many of my own Country men (was it not very strange in a Country so remote) whom I knew by sight as well as a Beggar knows his dish: These Acquaintance (like true Friends) gave me Cautions from their own Experiences, of what Inconveniencies might attend me in staying here Long, or being overcurious to inspect their Customs and Manners; also giving me such directions, which with heed I Observed: And following their Advices, found the way (at length, though with much difficulty,) through the dirty Fens of Blubberick, over the Mushrum-Palian Mountains, and so arrived upon the Confines of Fooliana.  
But you may ask why I traveled not into that part where the Modestianians; otherwise called the Women of Black-Swan-Mark had their Habitations.  
Why truly, I hold myself Infortunate in that one thing alone, That I could not come to see their State as well as the rest; seeing that my mind presaged unto me, that it excelleth all the forenamed.  
There is such a People, my friend, I tell thee plainly, but the Region wherein they Inhabit, I could never come to discover; only their name, I had from the Ancient Chronicles of the others States, and that as I said, is Black-Swan-Mark.  
Indeed there are some of them that live as Hermitisses, in the Craggy-Desarts of some other parts of Shee-Land●; but their Habitations are generally unknown, and almost Inaccessible; he that will take the pains to search those vast deserts, may by Miracle meet with some of those holy Votaresses.  
I happened, I think, unless it was a Dream, to see one or two of them, whose variety of Virtues, Beauties and Behaviours, have left me in an ecstasy until this very hour, which made me so eager in the pursuit of so pleasing a Discovery, that I almost ransact every corner of that prodigious Continent: But notwithstanding all my diligence, could set eye of no more. Therefore whosoever has a mind to Embark in so desperate a Voyage; Let him begin to Travel in his Youth, lest grey hairs overtake him ere he attains his intended Discovery: As for my part I'll give it over.    

THE Third Part.  

Of the Situation of Fooliana and Populousness thereof.  
FOliana is the most vast and Ill-husbanded Region that ever mine eyes beheld; and yet of all, the most populous; go but upon the Exchange of any Town of Traffic in this whole Nation, and you would swear that the whole World came to trade thither.  
Historiographers in their Account of the number of People that are imagined to be in all Europe, say, that Italy is supposed to contain 9000000 more or less; Spain a number somewhat less; England 6000000. The Low Countries near as many; Germany 15000000. France as many; Sicilia 150000. They account also that the Inhabitants of China amount to 70000000. That Country paralleled with the whole Country of Fooliana, is rather an uninhabitable desert, than a Peopled Nation.  
It Lieth just under the Antarctic pole, as the Land of Pigmies is under the Arctic; and hence I gather, that the Extremity of cold in both these opposed Regions, is the cause both of the Pigmy's smallness, and the Foolianders' blockishness. Nature graceing herself in Counterpoising the defect of the body in one place, with as great defect of wit in another.  
Fooliana on the South, butteth upon Belly-All-Main; On the East, upon Womandecoia; and the farthest Corner of Theving-genia: And on the West, upon the Mushrom-Palian Mountains.   

The Parts of Fooliana and the People's Conditions in General.  
FOoliana the Great, is divided into four lesser, as namely Fooliana the Fickle just under the Pole, Fooliana the Fat towards the South, Fooliana the fond Easternly, and Fooliana the Devout towards the West.  
The Inhabitants of all these are generally tall, their hair of a pale Flaxen; their heads like Sugarloafs, their Lips big like Moors, and their Ears thick and broad, but their Conditions keep not all one form; some things they have general amongst them, and they are these.  
What ever Stranger arrives amongst them, they presently entertain him with all the pleasures that Town, House and Table can afford. If ye come to any of them all with a Congee Spaniard-like; and either commend his good face, his new Coat, his fine Hand, or his fair House; seasoning his Affections with admiring applause: Your obsequiousness will purchase you any thing, his courtesy will Imagine nothing to dear for you; for good words, and fair promises, is all the Money that this Nation useth.  
Yet they have Gold in abundance, which they barter away for painted Feathers, Glass Beads, small Bells, and the Shells of Snails.  
The Inhabitants are of a hard Constitution, going bare-breasted, and thin attired in the depth of Winter, to have the more benefit of the Air; and wrap themselves up in Rugg Gowns in the midst of Summer, to keep off the heat of the Sun. They have some Phylosotterical professors among them, that will go almost naked in the midst of Winter in contempt of the cold; and their reason is this: That seeing all Creatures, except Man, can be content with hair and hide only, Why should not man, that is Master of them all, break through all the Battalions of Cold, being only armed in his Shirt of nature, his Skin? And I promise you it is a very Sensible Argument.  
You shall never take any of them solitary, for they continually talk and contend in Argument with themselves; sometimes one word provoking him to tears, and another immediately to laughter, the person being all this while single by himself.  
They have also certain Religious virtuosies, among them, who beg for scraps, wand'ring through the verges of Fooliana; and where they find a Stone with any Picture upon it, down they go upon all four with strange mimmical congees and cringes. Tapers and noonday meet ordinarily at every Dinnertime among them, they whip themselves cruelly. First, because no man but themselves will undergo such severe Lashes. Secondly, Because Calf's Blood is a pleasing Sacrifice in the Nostrils of their god; their Crowns are shaved, lest the hair growing between the Heaven and the brain, should be a Hindrance to the mind in her Celestial Meditation.  
The Women of this Nation are the Principal Governesses, which I was told grew first upon this occasion. The Shrews-Burgisses had overcome the whole Region of Fooliana; yet notwithstanding, by Reason of the Barrenness of the Soy I would not possess it, but left the Natives in possession, upon condition they did homage for it unto them; paying them an Ass loaden with Gold yearly for Tribute, which was paid a long time, until at length the Foolianders broke the peace upon these Terms; though as for the Gold they did not value it; but were contented to pay it, had it been twice as much, provided the Shrews-Burgisses would come and fetch it themselves, when it was due.  
But for them to force a loving Creature, and one of their Native Town-born Country-Brood, with severe strokes and lashes, to bear this burden out of their land against his own proper will and pleasure; This they look upon to be very hard, and in their Judgement intolerable; whereupon they revolted, refusing to perform those Articles and Ratifications on which their peace stood.  
This Revolt incensed the Shrews-Burgisses, whereupon they repair to Arms, and entering Fooliana, marching without resistance through the Country, even to the Metropolitan City of Blocksford, otherwise called Dunce-Town; and entering the same, Alarms were suddenly spread through the City, out comes all the Blocks-fordians crowding themselves in heaps without Arms, or Order. The Foe was Drawn up with Judgement, and Marshaled in good order, who valiantly giving the onset, down falls a Citizen or two, which the rest beholding, fell prostrate upon their knees with Submission, the Conqueror's weapons were held, so that there was a sudden Cessation of Arms.  
By and by one of the most Eminent and gravest Foolianders made a Speech after this Manner.  

Right Valiant and Unconquerable Shrews-Burgisses,  
HOW could You be so cruel, for one poor Ass, to destroy so many proper Men, and pretty Scholars; for as much as one living Ass might have been more serviceable to Your State, Than a Thousand, nay; than five and forty men being as dead as so many door-Nails: Now therefore, take every one an Ass, and his Burden of Gold, for we had rather live without them, then die for them: Asses are not so scarce in this Country of ours, Therefore we entreat You, put up Your shineing things, and spare the Lives of many Weaponless Men. I know, and to your Honour be it spoken, that your Valour scorns to try the utmost against Men without weapons. Therefore we submitting, beseech You to spare us, and free us from our present fears.   
Well, the Conqueresses are moved by this pathetical Oration, and granted their pardons, upon condition that the Women of Fooliana, should henceforth in all Domestic Employments have pre-eminence of Men: To which the Vanquished gave their humble consents, and the Army drew off, marching back (with the Spoils in a most incredible quantity) to their own Garrison of Shrews-Burgh, the most formidable Garrison of all the Provinces of Womandecoia.   

Of Fooliana the Fickle.  
FOoliana the Fickle is the easternmost part of Fooliana the Great, and Bordering upon Womandecoia or Shee-Landt; but you must not expect an exact description thereof; yet how I found it, and how I left it, you shall know as well as I; but if you chance to go thither yourself, as many fine Worshipful Gentlemen, and Men of large possessions have done within these few years, and find not the State, as I have described it, blame not any defect in me, for their Forms of Government are so daily altered; that 'tis easier to describe the shape of Proteus, or the Colour of a Chameleon, than discover their form of Discipline.  
I durst venture a wager, that the Ancient French were the first Discoverers of this Country; for there are some Monuments remaining, that that do signify as much; as their names of Towns, their most Ancient Laws, and their chief Coins.  
Their Grounds never carry one certain form two years together; that which is pasture this year, shall be arable the next: That which was all high Mountains this year, shall be carried away to fill up Dales the next: Nay, they turn the very course of their Rivers.  
They have many Magnificent Cities, but they change their Fashion almost every other day.  
The chief of these Cities, at my first coming, was called Fair-Felia; but ere I went away, it was Ordered in Counsel, That it should thenceforth be called Butterflieux; the whole frame of this City runs upon Wheels, and may be drawn whether the Counsel pleases to Order; or every particular man's House where the Owner sees good.  
It is Recorded, that the whole City hath altered its Situation a Hundred times since the Foundation, and thirty times hath quite lost its former shape; when I came there, it was seated upon the River Water-less: But there was an Order from the Counsel Board, that the next Winter it must be drawn up to the top of Mount Wantwood; and as I was told, the last place it was wheeled from, was Barren-Down.  
The Rivers are so Frozen with extreme Cold, that if any be weary of its old place, it may pass the Waters to a new one almost every month.  
These Cities often change their forms, for every House is separate from the next: So that as soon as they find the least fault with the old Neighbourhood, away goes House, Household and all, seating themselves in another Street where they find a vacancy be the removing of others.  
The City's Arms had lately been, in a field Argent, three Snails bear-in their Shells passant Gules: The Motto on a Scroll Mea Mecum, I carry my own; But now it is (as long as it continues so) A Field Vert, charged with a Butterfly with Wings displayed Argent, Flowered Or, The Motto Vbi Libit, where I list.   

Of the People's Conditions and Attire.  
THe Inhabitants go all in painted Feathers, as some of the East and West Indians do; for say they, seeing that these light things are sufficient to keep the little Birds warm enough: Why should we desire more, being much better able to bear out the Cold than these tender Creatures?  
Now, when they would seem to have new clothes, they change the places of their Feathers; so that that which in the Morning they wore on their heads, cometh before night to wipe the dust from their Heels; and that which kept the knee warm but now, by and by sits up half a yard higher.  
They Marry Wives, and love them confoundedly for a while, till they take some occasion of dislike in their Old Bed-fellow: Or, chance to spy another fairer; Then farewell Wife: And welcome with all my Heart Huband, says she to another; for the Wife is commonly as willing to change, as the Husband; and often takes the first occasion, especially if she dislike the Husband's Cockship.  
They use a Stranger as kindly as if he were their own Brother; and the next day will pass by him, and forget that ever they saw him.  
They seldom or never proffer any thing, that they do not recall next breath; nor do they ever promise, but they afterwards forswear it; nor do they ever perform any thing, which they do not afterwards repent, and be sorry for; what they sell you to day, if you dislike it, they will give you double the price you paid for it to morrow.  
They make their Laws new every Year once; for say they, It is not fit, seeing Man's Life is Mutable, that the Rules of his Life should not be Mutable also; besides second Cogitations being most Generally perfect, it is a Slavery to be tied to a first Decree.  
In this City, nigh the Asschange, standeth Turncotes Tomb; upon which I read this following Incription, in the Foolianick Tongue.  
Stay, Sat, Walk, Read: Here lieth, Standing upright, Tomkin Turncoat, who was neither Foreigner nor Freeman; Slave nor Soldier, Physician nor Fencer, Cobbler nor Courtier, Lawyer nor Usurer; But All. Who lived neither in City nor Country, neither at Home nor Abroad, neither at Sea nor on Land; nor here nor elsewhere: But every where. Who Died neither of Hunger nor christ, nor Poison nor Pox, nor Hatchet nor Halter, neither by Casualty nor Disease, but of all together. I P. Q. Being neither his Debtor nor Creditor, nor Heir nor Executor, nor Kinsman nor Friend, nor Neighbour nor Stranger, but all. In his Memory have erected this, neither Monument nor Comb, nor Sepulchre nor Grave; But all these. Wishing neither Evil nor Good, neither to Thee nor Me, nor Him, But All unto All.  
This City stands at present within few Miles of the City of Giggum-Bobba: So famous for the Invention of Pendants, Knots, Fans and false Curls for the Females: Here also was found out that most Incomparable Fashion of Shoulder Tassels, by which any Ingenious Man with careful Observation, may come to know his Right hand from his left, and therein readily answer the Queriest without study.  
As I Traveled along the Valley Capricious, I chanced to enter a Town that had some shape of an University: The Name they told me was Gallipotilliter; here I met with some Shadows of Philosophers, but no substance: It is lost labour to look for any Lectors, Rectors, Books, or Schools of the Seven Sciences here; every particular man being his own Teacher, and his own Auditor: Yet here are two Colleges; one of the Sceptics, who deny that any trust is to be given to the Sense; and they are herein so absolute, that they will not believe any thing positive. Steal away one of their Purses, or his Gown, and he presently falls in doubt, whether ever he was possessor of such a thing or no. Strike one of them as hard as you can, he doubts whether you struck or not, or whether he felt any stroke or not. Speak to him, or touch him, though he hears, feels and sees, yet he dares not assure himself, that any one thing of this is true.  
The other College, consisteth wholly of Gewgawists, who give themselves wholly to the Invention of Novelties; in Sports, Games, Buildings, Garments and Governments. He that can devise a new Game, or a New fashion, according to his Invention, hath a place of Dignity Assigned him by the Duke.  
He that first Invented to blow bladders of Soap and Water out of a Galli-pot with a Tobacco-pipe, is of as great Renown among them, as the Inventors of Printing, Gun-founding, and the most Ingenious of Water-works are amongst us of Europe. These Gewgawists are in great esteem at Court, and among the meaner sort too; for many of them will not so much as have a Button sewed to their Coats, without first consulting their Approbations.  
These Gewgawists are not only Scholars, but Originals, for they have devised a new Language, wherein they keep the Mysteries of their knowledge only to themselves: It is called the Supermonical Tongue, Parracelsus was provast of the College, whose Judgement went a great way in the Invention of this strange Language. But indeed, I am not sure whether this Tongue continues still amongst them, or has by this time given place to some Language of the Later Edition.   

Of Fooliana the Fond.  
THis Part of Fooliana is the largest, and most Ancient of all the rest. The Inhabitants of it affirm themselves the Original of all other Nations, as Blocksford the Mother of all other Cities.  
It Lieth in the midst of the rest, as the Navel of this goodly Body; on the East it hath Fooliana the Fickle; on the West the Devout; and on the North the Fat. The Southern part of it is called Cocks-Combaia, of which the farthest Sourthern canton is just under the Pole, where there is an Iron Rock, just like the Rock of Loadstone that is under the North Pole, and this is the reason why the Compass (after you are passed the Equinoctial) declines toward the South.  
This part of the Province of Cocks-Combaia, is peopled with slothful Inhabitants, but the Northern part is possessed by more Industrious and Active Spirits.  
Had I not beheld the strange beviour of these Southern Cocks-Combaians, I could never have believed that Nature had bestowed so Divine a Gift as Reason, upon such brutish Animals; for all of them go like Beasts upon all four, nor do they know any other way of Travelling.  
There is no house in all this part of the Country, because, neither the Inhabitants can build any themselves, nor will suffer others to Build any; for they dare not adventure under a Roof, lest it should fall upon their heads.  
They are every year many of them starved to death, with hunger and cold, for they can neither dress their meat, nor make themselves Apparel, or Bedding; nor can they speak one word of Sense, There's not a man of them knows his own Father, nor his own Son, nor Wife; nor how to Return the same way he came, nor can distinguish a Bear from a Sheep, or a Lion from a Cat; nay, there are some of them, that cannot tell whether they should put their meat in at their Mouths, Nostrils, or Ears. In short, Imagine you saw a real Ass in Humane shape, and such a one is a true South-Country Cocks-Combaian.   

Of Ass-Sex.  
ASS-Sex a Northern part of Fooliana the Fond, is somewhat better furnished with wit, and worthier of a Traveller's Observation; the People account themselves wondeful wise, and profess the searching into Nature's most Abstruse Effects, never leaving till they have drawn one reason or other, from the very bottom of Investigation.  
They have but one eye a piece; not Born so, but the Parents at the Child's Birth plucks out the other as being useless in nature; for say they, when one Eye is shut, the other hath a stronger faculty to discern.  
Part of this Nation go all naked, to avoid the Labour of caseing and uncaseing: Some of them have Houses built without Walls, that the fresh Air may have free Access; some of them build Nests like Daws in the highest Trees, partly because they might dwell nigher Heaven, and partly to exercise themselves in Climbing.  
Every particular man has his peculiar Opinion, and profession; ambition and desire of Glory, draws some of them into strange and incredible Actions; you shall have some going up and down the Streets on their Heads and Hands, others flying about with Wings made of Wax and Feathers.  
Some like your Italian Mountebanks, draw the People together, to behold the effects of some rare Vnguento, or some strange Engine.  
Others out of the basest Metals, by a Secret Art, can extract the purest Gold; 'tis worth the laughing at, to see the Toilsome folly of these Extractors: These Students for the Philosopher Stone; for look ye, while they hope all goes well, it being brought to the Magnitude of a Brick-Bat, they are gulled, and gulled and Treble gulled, and yet can't find in their hearts to give▪ it over, till all their Gold be converted to Dross, and all their Land by fire turned to Aire.  
One of them of late, as I was informed, would needs repair to the Oracle, to know the event of this so ponderous a business; the Oracle gave him this answer, Travaillex, which is, take pains; home comes my Student with such an Extacy of Joy, as if he had hold of his god by the Finger; and when all came to all, it was the Devil by the great Toe. Well, to work he falls, with Circulations, Sublimations, Conjunctions and Ferminations, till all his Brazen headless labour ended in putrefaction, till Revenues and Reputation were both dead and rotten; whereas indeed, the Oracle gave him better Council than he could comprehend, Take Pains. That is,  
A Mathook, and a Spade, will get thee Gold,  
Sooner than Chemistry a Thousand Fold.   

Of the Cities of Cockscombaya and Ass-Sex, and of Blocksford the Metropolitan.  
THe first City I Accosted in this Country, was Hollow-Pate, a Town of Good antiquity and well contrived, but affords no rarity; therefore I leave it, and pass on to Bauble-dock, a Corporation Worthily Famous, for the Wisdom of their Aldermen: These men a little before my arrival, held a Court about Determination of a very doubtful matter; which was thus.  
The Sky was very Cloudy, and a terrible storm of Rain or hail was generally feared. The Mayor immediately calls a Bench, who were to Consult how to dispel the suspected Storm.  
The First Man's advice, was to Ring all the Bells in the Town; another Advised rather to make great Fires in every Street; thereby to dry up the Moisture of those thick Clouds; at length, the Opinion of one of the gravest Aldermen was demanded, who standing up, Confutes the Opinions of the two former Politicians, adding his advice, which was, that the only quirk to avoid the impending peremptory Storm, was to Issue forth Immediate Orders, commanding all the Citizens to shroud themselves under the Roofs of their own Houses, and so let it all fall to the ground, that so when those biggfaced, bragging Clouds, found no resistance, they would destroy themselves, and expend their fury before they were aware; Was not this an ingenious Intrigue? Yes, believe me 'twas, and had the Unanimous approbation of the whole Bench; Twittle Twattle, don't tell me, Wisdom is not bound to Inhabit only Europe.  
Blocksford The very eye of all Terrestrial Cities is here seated, Civitas Angelorum, are but Peas-Markets in comparison of this.  
It stands partly on a plashy plain, and partly upon a little Mountain, both lying Northward, a great distance from any Wood or River: The upper part of the Town serves the lower with Snow-Water; the lower serving the upper with Spring-Water.  
There are in the Circumference of the Walls, just Sixteen Gates, wherein (to the Founder's Fame) it exceeds all the Cities of the World by four; the Geometrical form is neither Circular nor Oval, but like the portraiture of a man's Body; he that Surveys this Town, will Imagine that he beholds Prometheus, as he lies bound upon Mount Adazer: Or, the Lineaments of some mighty Colossus.  
The Market place is on the Hills top, for that being the Head of the City, Administers life and Nourishment to the expanded Body.  
On this Mountain's top, the Magnificoes and Seniors of the City have their habitations, to the end, that as they are the Head and Eye of of the City; so the Body should lie as a fitter Object to their prospect.  
Down from this head descendeth a narrow Street, which resembles the Neck; which is Inhabited only with Sergeants, Beadles, and Deputy Constables: From the lower end of this Street, do two other extend themselves on either side, resembling the Arms and Hands. These are peopled, though but sorrily, with Handicrafts Men, but with few or no Crafts-Masters.  
The Bulk of this Fabric Lies in a Broader Street, and here you have all your Inns, Alehouses, and Taverns, down to the Loins; the lower parts being Inhabited by Scavingers, Jackes-Firmers, Broom-Men, Fishwives, and Card-match Wenches, which I shall Let alone.  
The Magnificoes build their Houses of a stately Form, and very lofty, to be thereby the nearer to Heaven; and more elevated from this unrefined Dunghill of Terrestrial Conversation. Their Houses are curiously depicted within, with the Names of their Ancestors, Guests, and intimate Acquaintance; Done with Charcoal, or the Flame of a Tallow Candle.  
The Grand-Dunsonions, for so the Burgomaster's Title themselves, whilst I was there, held a Parliament about matters of State in general; and in particular about Securing, Brautifying, and Advancing the Public good of this City of Blocksford, where every one (as is allowed) gave his Opinion, touching the Commodious Advantages thereof; one Advises them to cause a Convenient Haven to be cut through the Mountains, (though it was above five hundred Miles from the Sea) that Ships may Trade to the City; producing examples of other Cities, whose Glory stood wholly upon the Riches of a Navigable Trade.  
A Second riseth, and to confute all the others Arguments, Discourses what a dangerous thing it is to repose Confidence in such an inconstant element; producing divers Examples of Cities that lay buried in the devouring Womb of the Seas.  
Another rather advises, that Conduits may be Erected in the Valleys, that will elevate, and defuse the Water in smaller streams, without fear of Delluges; which may be conveyed in pipes from below to the Mountain's top, which is easy to be done; says he, for if you observe the Water, how it bubbles upwards, thereby denoting, that it is willing to ascend, if it had but Pipes for Conveyence.  
Well, none of these passes the Approbation of the Bench, but then suddenly up starts a Fourth, and he is for raising a high Mountain above the City, for these subsequent uses.  
First, because the whole World might not take notice of the Actions of the Blocks-fordians; and more especially of the Grand-Dunsonions. Secondly, That thereby the City would be better fortified. Thirdly, That they might be better defended from Cold, by the warm Situation of the City, under so high a Mount; and that this Mountain the Inhabitants of the Valley should dig below, and so lay it together above the head of the City, and then a Bridge should be built from one Mountain to the other; by which the City might be Accommodated with necessaries.  
This Speech ended, up steps another, and smiling, demands if it were possible that a Valley should produce a Mountain: But said he, should we allow a posibility, yet to build a Bridge were indiscretion; for, should a Traveller stumble, or lose foothold; there were no way in the World to escape present death, or which is worse, the breaking of an Arm or a Leg: No, but if my small Experience in State-Affairs, may Receive Approbation of this Grave Assembly of Dunsonions, I would rather advise to an enterprise which may be easily effected, and would advance the Honour and Dignity of this Metropolitan City, which is this:  
That every man according to his Ability, shall erect a Spire upon the top of his House; and upon the uppermost point thereof shall advance a Cock, Vulgarly called a Weathercock; either of Brass, or Silver, with a Comb of Gold, or Goldsmiths Work. This Cock to be movable, and to follow the express commands of the Wind.  
And in every Spire I would have Chimes, or at least a Clock, to strike hourly; which being once completed, O! What Pathetic Spirit can express the reduplicated delight which will redound from hence, both to the Eye and Ear!  
To see such a glittering fulgur of Lofty Spires, and to hear such a sweet Clamour of Harmonious Bells.  
He had not quite closed his Mouth, before the whole Court opens in Acclamations, and Approbations, of this Project, so gravely and Statesman like propounded, and presently the Bench arose, Commanding the performance, according to this so Learned Advice; so that, he that in his Travels shall hereafter Arrive at this City, will find it in far more Glorious Estate than it was my hap to behold. That's certain, for I saw some of the Scaffolds raised before I came from thence.   

Of the Marquisate of Spendallezza.  
Ne'er unto Blocksford, lieth the Marquisate of Spendallezza, a Country not long since very Rich, and of Antique and Honourable Memory; but now it is quite gone down the Wind: I observed nothing worthy of note, except a Large Forest called Actaeon's Dogg-Kennel, and an Eight square City called Hey-dices; with another little Corporation, by the Inhabitants named Hawks-Pearch.  
The Inhabitants of all these are the only Spenders under the Moon; they study nothing in the World but the Mystery of scattering; some delighting in Rich Habits, some in Dogs, some in Hawks, some upon a pair of Ivory Cubes, or A pack of Speckled Past-boards; and thus their patrimonies take Wing, and when all is gone but Garments, Even have at all, and farewell them too.  
The Dice, or the Brokers, are their Ordinary Chapmen; well, what's a man but his pleasure: But now whether this Marquisate belongs to Fooliana the Fond: Or, the Fat? that I cannot resolve: But however, I am sure 'tis within the Territories of Fooliana the Great.  
Some Lawyers and Usurers have formerly inhabited about this Country, but in this Latter Age they are all transported, and most of them dwell now about the City of Pick-Pocket-an-gul, in the Province of Thevingenia, of which I shall discourse by and by.  
In this Continent joining to Spendallezza, is the Ancient port of Cold-harbour, which is joining to Prodigals Promontory, which is a Sanctuary to Bankrupt Debtors. To this place Resorts all that are cast in Law, or such as are Insufficient to satisfy their deluded Creditors.  
Those in this Country that have any Sons, Assign them their patrimonies before Nature allows them any Beards: And if in case they die before this time, all the Estate is left to their Wives; out of which she pays their debts by Sequestration. But if they bury their Wives, they lavish more on their Funerals, than would serve for a portion with the Foulest of their Daughters.   

Of Clawback-Court.  
BEtween this Marquisate and Fooliana the Fat, lieth another Nation called Clawback-Court, which is peopled with the strangest Monsters that ever man beheld; every man has two faces, and speaks with two Tongues.  
This Nation is Born to servitude, and voluntarily make themselves Slaves to the Magnificoes of Fooliana the Fat, which Borders upon this Country? And though they are so sottish, that they cannot of themselves enterprise any thing worthy of commendation; yet they can imitate, and Sergeant any Action they see done before them. The World has not the like for exact resemblances; they neither wear Attire, speak word, or do deed, but they have seen the like before.  
When I was there, they halted all upon one Leg, and went Spiting and Spawling from Morning till Night: The Reason was, as I since understood, that Seignor-Tickle-Ear their Governor, had of late hurt his Foot, and withal was troubled with an Old Pocky Cough.  
There are by Report, some Gallants among them, pertaining to the Court, speak to, or look but upon one of them, and you shall have him presently kiss his hand, cringe in the Ham, and with a Laborious Congee, like an Echo, Reverberate the last word you speak; and with an Applauding smile twist within you, with the most fawning Terms immaginable, Mustering up a whole Heralds-Office of Titles, and top-heavie Preambles. Then putting his lips together, stand hover for your next Syllable, to understand how his last was approved: which if Current, though scarcely Sense, is presently Recorded in his Tables as more than Humane Conceit, nay, as an adored Oracle; then standing with his Eyes fixed on the Element, adores you with as warm a Zeal, as a Drink-All-Main does Bacchus upon all four.  
These increditable Courtiers are the Principal Gentry in these parts, or at least their outward appearance presents them so: As for the rest, they are, or look like Barbers, Sales-Men and Milliners.  
They acknowledge no God, but the man whom they make choice to serve; and him they observe with more Sacrifices and Adoration than an Idol, but it is from the the Teeth Outwards.  
The first City in this Region is called, Praise-all: A sight-affecting Structure; but so slightly Built, that there is no hope it should stand long. It is much enriched by the Traffic of the River Fiction, and is often damnified by the Inundations of the same. Near this Town standeth a Village called Tongue-Walk, where the Inhabitants are continually talking; this Village is Scituate at the Foot of a Mountain, from whence it ariseth as far as Tickle-ear, a Famous Burrow-Town, where stands the Manor-house of their Senior; who derives his Title from hence.  
The Inhabitants employ themselves in continual Laughters.  
On the other side of this Mount, lieth a pleasant valley called Soothing-Dale; and at the further end thereof, is a Marsh called Scoffstowfen, which reacheth down as far as Shamesteed; a Town of infamous note, whither they use to banish all their Witches, Conjurers, Ass-trologers and Almanac-makers'.   

Of Fooliana the Fat.  
THis Region appears to exceed all the Southern Countries round about for Wealth and Pleasure; and were it as it seems, I question whether the whole Northern World, could find a Country to parallel it: But indeed, the People generally feign to have what really they have not; and do fairly amplify that which they possess.  
There is a double ledg of Mountains extend some ninety Germane Miles in length, and between them is a spacious Plain of the same length; and this is Fooliana the Fat, through which the River of Ease, a very goodly Current, hath its course, with many Semi-circling Meanders.  
Do but imagine what delicate Prospects, are from so many stately Cities, as are ranked on the Mountain's sides, over the fertile Plains, so Richly watered; and stored with fat pastures, which are Environed with comely ranks of flourishing Willows.  
The neatness of these Cities excels their number; yet are they but of a slight kind of building; and though their outward forms promise all decorum; yet within you shall find very little good Order.  
At the Mouth of the passage, through these Mountains, standeth the Castle of Braggadril, proudly Built, but beggarly Stated; And nigh unto it is Backbiting-Burg: By this Town is a Rock of incredible altitude called Breakneccliff; it is as broad at the top, as at the bottom, and beareth the form rather of a Tower built by man's hand, than any work of Nature. This Rock is as famous for a place of Execution here, as ever the Tarpeian Cliff was in Rome.  
On the other side of this Famous Cliff stands the City of Bawds-Den. This City has been oftener on fire than ever was Old Rome; partly through the Negligence of the Citizens, and partly through the aptness to take fire; for they use in their Buildings Brimstone instead of Lime, and Brandy instead of Water, which serves them instead of Tarris or Morter, being mixed together.  
Adjoining to this, is Scituate another little City called Puncks-nest Built all of Flint; and a little further towards the Frontiers of Idle-Burg, lie those large Mountains, commonly called Holiday-Hills; where the people keep continual Revels, and sit in Judgement upon such as offend by observing working days.  
Two fair Cities are seated on these Hills, Games-bury and Merry-Com-twang; and on the East side of them the River Ease falls into the River Idle, making three or four Islands, called by the Inhabitants the Dancing-Isles, Inhabited only by Organists, Pipers and Fiddlers.   

The Quality and Conditions of the People.  
EVery Individual man in this Country professes himself a Gentleman Born. And most of them can show Pedigrees for a thousand years before the World was created; you shall have their Galleries drawn with their Lineal and collateral Descents, though the Neighbours are able to prove, their Grandfathers were either Carters, Costermongers, or Cobblers.  
Their best sort of Gentry content themselves with the poorest fare that ever attended a fasting-day; yet some of them perhaps will make a feast once a year; which for excess of Provisions, and Multitudes of Guest, will put a period to the Inviters Revenues; who all the year after will defraud his barking stomach, to accommodate the back with the best he can rake together; yet will they never acknowledge or confess their defect of Belly-Timber, but the contrary; where ever you meet them about dinner time, you may observe them picking their Teeth, as if newly come from the destruction of a Regiment of Dishes.  
No man that knows them will lend them a Groat upon their Credits: Therefore they are obliged to to hire their Apparel at the Burrow Town of Brokeria, or take it up at Bumaree of the Merchants of Tallymore.  
They give themselves tedious long Names, and delight to have their Country and alliance mentioned in their Titles; which being joined together, it is directly impossible to pronounce in a breath. The Gentleman-Cook at the Ordinary where I dined, was named Signior Hernando Gonzalo Ribadenira de Toledo; They wear their Swords generally as long as their Titles; for I happened to be there when the Youth were Training, or indeed more properly Trailing; as appears by their Trailing of Swords at their heels, as we our Pikes to accommodate the Funerals of a Field-Officer: But hold there, stand clear a little, I am resolved to have one touch at this long Sword with my verse-Pen:  
Walking the Fields to view the Martial Train,  
With Drums and Colours Marching on the Plain.  
That which I saw which most Delight affords,  
Was Pigmy-Gyants, with Gygantick Swords.  
Have you a Barber's Pole, or Signpost viewed,  
Such was each Weapon, as to Longitude:  
But was not altogether quite so Large,  
Hung like the Rudder of a Western Barge?  
The Pommel like the Helm, each by his Hand,  
Steers his small Burdened Bark with, at Command.  
The Guard or Hilt I fancied did appear,  
Like nothing more than a deep Cullender.  
I saw one drawn; and than it looked, me thought,  
Like a long Spit run through a Porridg-Pot.  
Which on a March Good Service may afford,  
Steal but a Lamb and Spit it on the Sword;  
And a good shift for Roast-meat, take my Word.  
Ostrich Feathers are as dear with them, as Russia Furs with us; some of them will hang Bells at their heels, that the noise may attract people's eyes upon their graceful carriage as they pass the Streets.  
One thing I marvelled at among the rest, (as well I might); most of them, instead of Meat, live upon the fume of a certain Herb, which they receive through a long Engine made of white Clay into their Mouths; from whence it issues like the fume of a Brewer's Chimney; I know not certainly whether they had this from the West Indians, or the West Indians from them: Yet some affirm, that the Indians of the Torrid Zone Invented the same to make themselves black within, disliking to have their inner parts of one Colour, and their outward of another. Some of them waste their patrimonies upon this kind of Diet, Smoking so long till all the Fat be in the Fire, and all the Fire out of the Kitchen.  
Some of them especially in Bawds-Den, and Punks-nest, keep certain females as long as their Estates will last; (certain did I say) well I was mistaken; for when they have sweetened you out of most of your Superfluous Guinies: Their Lodgings are removed, and 'tis very uncertain where, or when, either you or their Landladies shall see them again. These had formerly the Titles of Harlots: But since their Language has been more Civilised, they give them the Alamode Name of Courtesans, which the Modern Translation Renders Miss: Besides a Wife, these Supernumeraries are allowed, to such as can maintain them both by Law, and the Ancient Custom of the Country.   

Of the Paradise of Fooliana the Fat.  
THere is not in all Fooliana, so Rare and Stupendious a Monument, as The Paradise of Fooliana the Fat; A work worthy of admiration: You shall afar off, behold a shining Mountain all of pure Gold, or it seems so, and that's as good; framed in old time by Chemical Art. On the top of this Mountain standeth a Palace of Crystal, built by the Goddess Fortune, where she Inhabits, giving freely all Abundance to her Credulous Worshippers.  
Hither do People Flock from all the Nations of the World; but especially from Fooliana the Devout: There are very few in the World but have seen this Mount, and Ascended it.  
Men may talk of our Lady of Loretto: Or, St. James of Compostella: They are but Deserts in Comparison of this. Here the Pilgrims lie prostrate in the Valley as thick as hailstones in the Road after a frosty Storm, but none must approach the ascent of the Hill, till they behold a white Banner displayed, which is a sign the Goddess is pleased they should ascend; then unanimously with Acclamations they bellow, Madonna Scoperta; and then run that run can, crowding one another in the narrowness of the passage; happy is he that can get first; each praying that it would be the Goddesses pleasure to grant his desires.  
One prays to attain his Love; Another, that Fortune would send him a Wife that is no Shrew: A Third, for Honours; A Fourth, for Riches; here you shall have a parcel of Young Heirs praying for the Deaths of Parents and Uncles; and there a Crowd of Beardless Students, praying devoutly for the Funerals of the Reverend, and Right Reverend.  
Their was an Old Fat Blade Clothed with a Coat paley of Argent and Sable, and on his head a Crown of very Antic Fashion, almost like a Dutch-womans' Stove-Pot with the Bottom out; this kind of Crown the Inhabitants call a Timer. This Old Fellow prayed heartily for the Death of the present Pope.  
Another Kinglike Person sued for the next Monarchy that fell; but he was sent away as cold as a Snowball. Here stood a Flock of hard-favoured Wenches, most of their suit was for Beauty; some for Sweethearts: There a parcel of Old Women with as many Oaken Trees in their heads, as Teeth; and these expected to be set back to the age of Eighteen: You must note, there were abundance more than I could take notice of.  
Well, But how came they off? For that take one Example of a person that sought for Honour: Comes one of the Flammins to him, blindfolds him, takes him by the hand, and leads him through a hundred Turnings, to a place which he is to believe is the Temple of the Goddess, not to be beheld with mortal eyes, and therefore he was Muffled: Down he must upon all four, and kiss the pavement, and so continue without moving, till the Goddess call him by his Name: Then let him demand what he list; (If he effect her commands without delay or distrust) be his request never so difficult, it shall be fulfilled. Well, he propounds his petition, which was the highest pitch of earthly honours: the Goddess assents very graciously, commanding him to receive a Holy portion; whereby his Spirits should be better adapted for the ensuing felicity; the Flammin presents him the Cup, which he freely drinks off, praising in his thoughts its delicious taste; being ignorant that it is a portion prepared of Poppy, Opium and Lettuce; and such other procurers of Sleep; well, within an hour he's as fast, that it is as easy to remove a Mountain as to awake him.  
Then the Attendants lay him in a Rich Bed, and in a Chamber like a Kings, Clad with Ivory, and Arched with Golden Pillars; all the Tables spread with Carpets: The Arras of Champania, and the Tapestry of Alexandria, are but Sackcloth in comparison to them.  
About the Door stands the Atendants in Gold Chains, and all other Courtier-like Accoutrements, expecting when this Endimmion Junior will awake, which is commonly three days after; who lifting up his head, beholds the Room with amazement: And seeing this fair company of shining attendance, is wholly transformed with wonder.  
Whilst they approach in Order with a Ceremonious reverence, saluting the awakened King, with the Titles of Majesty, (I protest this is brave): says one, What Apparel will it please Your Majesty to wear to day; either your suit of Tissue Embroidered with Rubies, or your Gold Vest with Carbuncle Buttons, or your Pearl-powdered Campaign? Yes, yes, Tissues, Rubies, Pearls, Diamonds, Carbuncles; hay day, why the mans an Endimmion indeed; and won't change states with the Man in the Moon, for all his Cellar of Claret.  
Well, Rich Garments are brought, every one Assisting to array this Mighty Monarch, setting a Diadem upon his head; adorned with Pearls of Incredible Magnitude, and Lustre: All this goes well still.  
Well thinks he to himself, get Dinner ready, (as 'twas time, having not eat in three days); so thought, so done; Dinner is prepared and served up in State; such rare Services; such brave Attendants; with such Harmonious Music. Nineteen Muses can't furnish a man with words sufficient to describe it.  
Thus is the whole day spent, the fine King supposing all his own still: Well, Night comes up with supper; and up comes Supper with more Rarities, and Richer Attendants then waited at Dinner; and for Conclusion of the Feast, the Royal King has t'other Draught given him of the Holy Potion, which presently locks up his senses fast enough; and then my poor twelve-hours King is stripped of his Tissues and Rubies, and reinvested with his own Garments; carried out at a Postern Gate, and laid in the Highway for passengers to gaze on; who when he awakes, falls into as great amazement as before, and calling to mind how glorious a state he was enthroned in yesterday; and now finding himself utterly deprived of all; curses his own misfortune; not attributing the least deficiency or unwillingness to the infallible Goddess.   

Of Fooliana the Devout.  
UPon the Western part of the two Foolianas', the Fat, and the Fond, lieth Fooliana the Devout; a Region fertile enough in itself, but through the Inhabitants negligence, altogether uncultured.  
The Inhabitants are of Opinion, that a man cannot do God better service, than in the utter neglect of himself.  
There are several pretty Hamlets in this Province; as Fragment, Surnamed the Mouldy, Wonderfield; and a little way from them, lieth Creep-ham-high-Cross, and Cringing-Beck.  
The Borders of this Nation are but deserts; and some of the Villages have but few Inhabitants, as Lent-Stow, Pilgrims-Inn, and Scourge-Nock, are left almost desolate, only once a year they are visited by some few Venetians.  
The number of Monastries in this Country, exceeds the Number of their Towns; there is not one Freeholder Inhabiting in all these parts, for the Cloisters have Monopolised all the Land every Straw's breadth, to make the better Cheer for their gods.  
Four sorts of Building is observed in this Country, Temples, Monastries, Hospitals, and hovel.  
They are all of one Religion, but they know not what it is; for they profess Ignorance, and neglect enquiry, following Tradition.  
In their pace, they make continual Crosses; one thigh Thwarting the other at every step; so likewise, they carry their Arms one Cross another: They have goodly Temples, and yet they will down on their Marrowbones in the open Fields (if they spy but an Antick-face upon a Stone, or an Old Logg) rattling their Beads at least two and fifty times over.  
There are more gods belonging to this Country than men, some of them augmenting the number of their Deities with Adoration of Horses, Hogs and Hounds; every day giving life to a new Deity. There has been two hundred made in one Temple upon one day.  
These Foolianders never touch any thing, be it Water, Oil, Salt, Wax, or Iron, before the Devil is driven out of every corner of it.  
In this Province, is the rarest Miracle that ever Nature saw, or man heard of. In the Hamlet of Wonderfield, there is not a Stone but can hear, see, weep, laugh, move, cure Diseases, sweat Blood, and do more than ever was done by the Semones, the Daemons, or all the Blackguard whatsoever.   

The State Public of Fooliana the Devout.  
THeir principal Governor, is a Compound of Emperor and Priest, or half Prince, and half Bishop; parte per pale, wearing a Crown upon a Mitre: Or, a Mitre in a Crown.  
There is always born before him, a Key and a Sword, the emblems of of riches and Power. His Key signifieth, that all the Foolianders Cabinets are at his Command; his Sword denotes, that he may at his own pleasure take from others, and defend his own.  
All that comes into his presence, must kiss his Toe. He is not born, but chosen, to this Dignity; yet not before he be very Old, lest the People should be weary of him, before he be weary of his Life.  
He seldom Rides but upon men's Shoulders, to show that men in respect of him, are but as Beasts in respect of Men.  
He never demands a penny Tribute of any Subject, but what they give willingly; he receives thankfully, and spends freely.  
He makes no Laws, nor keeps any; nor issues any Decree, but once within two Years it is out of use.  
He useth his Servants with much Familiarity; and when he pleases, lifts them up above the greatest Men in his Court.  
I might have learned much more in this Court worthy of Observation; but to tell you the Truth, I was weary on't, and did not care to tarry any longer than needs must.    

THE Fourth Part.  

The Description of Theevingenia.  
It's Situation.  
THeevingenia is bounded on the West with the straits of Magellanus, and on the East with Fooliana the Devout, and part of Belly-All-Main. It is a Soil so utterly void of fertility, that not a Shepherd nor Husbandman can be found in all the borders; yet is it not strange that this barren Country should so abound in all necessaries; nay, and Superfluities also? There is no rarity, or excellent thing of valuable worth in the World, but they will have it by hook, or by Crook; and when they have got it, you may as soon get a fart from a Dead man, as recover it again from their Clutches.  
The Easternmost part is enriched by the Spoils of the two Foolianas'; the Fat, and the Devout. The Western by the Spaniards Cacaplates. These are the most Notable Pirates of the Globe.  
The whole Country is divided into two Signories, Robberswaldt, and Liegerdemain. The first of which butts upon Fooliana, and an Angle of Belly-All-Main: The latter lieth more West.  
Contrary to the other Thievingenians. The wand'ring Robberswalders keep themselves in their own Bounds; but all of them are for the most part Barbarous and Inhospitable.   

The Conditions Of the Robberswalders.  
Robberswaldt is divided from the two Foolianas' by the Fens, usually called the Filching-Fenns; wherein there are Many Islands made by the turnings of the Water; The whole Region is so Woody and Mountainous, that it seems rather a Desert than a place Inhabited; and appears a place fitter for Rebellion, than Habitation.  
Their Language is very crabbed, and though I did not care to understand it; I observed in it a Mixture of Welsh; which seems to have been taught them by some Ancient Travellers of our Western Britain's.  
This Seigniority is Indifferently well peopled, but under no Government; each man holds himself born only for himself, and liveth obeying and respecting himself only; what he gets from another is forthwith his own, as good and Lawful prize.  
In Bodily shape they are like us, only all the Inlanders have Claws upon their Hands instead of Nails; and this is not only Natural to all the Robberswalders, but to the Liegerdemainists also.  
Upon the Mountains of this Soil breedeth a kind of People called the Bandity; who usually begs of Passengers, with a Fezee upon their Shoulders: they are the Keepers of Booty Forrest, a frith so called; which is of that breadth, that the high Dutch Hercinian adding to it England's Sherwood: They are both but a day's Journey for an Irish Louse, (Let her march never so fast) if compared to this.  
I'll justify, and be as good as my word; that if Hercinia kept ten thousand Thiefs, (as 'tis supposed it did, Booty Forrest maintains a hundred thousand Hercinia! Why 'tis a Blanket for a Cat, a mere Cockpit; nay, 'tis no bigger than a Tobacco-Box, in comparison of Booty-Forrest.  
You shall not find any man of State but keeps a Fort or Garrison: And in these Fortresses they keep all they purchase; and that's no small prize. They are no Shuttlecocks; what they have they hold.  
When they march out upon their Expeditions; The poor Commonalty are sure to untruss their Portmantles under the Branches, and lay their Noddles close to the Root of some Ancient Oak, (Sic fuit ab Initio) quoth the Gentleman to the Chandler's Son; So did your Fathers, and so must you, be you never so top-gallant. Some of these Villiacoes lie in wait to make prize of poor Passengers; and when they catch them, they uncase them to the Skin, not leaving them so much as a tatter, to serve for a Curtain to the World's propagater.  
The Liegerdemainists of late made a Decree, that no Younger Brothers shall have any share in the Father's Land; and this Law hath added a great multitude of Volunteers to the Robbers Walders.  
The Devout Foolianders you know are great Lovers of Crossess. Well, but they cannot love them so much as these hate them; therefore if any of them hap to be taken in Robberswaldt, farewel Fooliander, up they go as round as a Juggler's Box; and the chief reason is, because these Devout Foolianders do use to mock the Robberswalders, by making Gibbets at them with their Fingers.  
There is continual Dissension and Civil Wars among themselves, about injurious Booties forced from one another, or about dividing the Spoils. And take my word Sir, the whole World fares the better for't; for should they lay their heads together against our world, we might e'en put up our Pipes, and cast our Caps at the Moon, for any Estates we should hold long.  
It is a great Commendation, and sign of towardness in their Children, to be expert at Filching in their Early Years, which they are taught to practice from their Infancyes; you shall have the little Theeveling while they suck at their Mother's Breast, to pick pinns out of their Heads, and Pence out of their Purses: But if they be taken in being either too slow-handed, or to boisterous, up goes their Bumms without Bail. And as they grow in Years, they must Augment their practice, by stealing Ducks, Geese, and so advancing to Cattle: If Trading be dead, and nothing of worth to be had, than they must keep their hands in practice, by stealing a Clod from their Neighbour's Ground, or a stake from his Hedge. This is usual among the Borderers of Liegerdemain; between which, and Robberswaldt lieth a large Heath called Lyers-bury-Plain, of which we will Discourse when we have passed the Marine parts of Robberswaldt.   

The Pirates and Sea Borderors of Robberswaldt.  
THese Pirates disperse themselves all along the Shores of Magellanus' Streat, on the Banks Theevingenia, and among the Isles of the Filching Fens.  
Europe affords not any Seaman that knows his Bays, Creeks, Tides, Shelves, Rocks and Channels better than these men do in general; besides, they naturally Swim as the Fishes themselves.  
Their chief Haven is Jeer-All, a Town of no great strength and compass, but of as hardy Pirates as the World affords; it is Scituate in that Angle of Robberswaldt, that lieth just upon the head of the Filching-Fenns, over against a part of Belly-All-Main.  
The Shores hereabout are reported to be edged with Rocks of Lodestones, which draws the Ships upon the Coasts from an incredible distance.  
A little within the River Filching there is another Town called Lysal, which takes Tribute of all Vessels that pass that way.  
The Inhabitants lay out great Hooks baited with Loadstones, wherewith they Angle for Ships as do for Trout; and where it once seizeth, it keepeth its hold fast. These are also good Swimmers, being as expert and perfect in the Art as the Dolphins, and like Crocodiles, or English Otters, live as much in the Water as on the Land; of these do our European Navigators stand in great fear.   

Of Lyers-Bury-Plain, and of the City of Pick-Pocket-Angul; with the Nature of the Liegerdemanians.  
NOw I return to Lyers-Bury-Plain, which lieth upon the verges of Robberswaldt and Liegerdemain; And serves for a free Common to them both; there is a River Runs through the midst of it called Memento, which divides the whole plain into two parts; and on this River are divers of the Liegerdemanian Towns and Garrisons seated.  
Ever since Spain obtained the Conquest of these Indians, that border upon this Continent, the Liegerdemanians have tolerated the Jesuits, (those busybodies that will needs scald their Chaps in the whole Worlds Porridg) to pay their visits here; and also to Inhabit this Land; which the Eruptions of the Robberswalders had otherwise Depopulated.  
Here are many Astrology-Schools, whose professors are more in favour with the Leigerdemanians, than any other Artists whatsoever, except Poets and Lawyers.  
Here in a little Town called Prediction, I set up School myself, and read the Lecture of spying wonders in the Heaven's urinal, as Methodically as any Stargazer of them all: I had my Ptolemy, Tycho, Guido Bonatus, my Bencorat, my Zabel, my Messahalach, my Abbohali, and my Hali Aben Razehel all at my beck; and by their Prescriptions I wrote an infallible Prognostication of these present Times.  
These Liegerdemanians are far more Sociable, or at least more circumspect and secret in their intrigues than the Robberswalders; for what these do in public, the Legerdemanians act privately, living under a Law and a Prince also, whose Title is Triberio-De-Golden-Gripo; he keeps his State in a Delicate City called Free-purloyn, Scituate in the very heart of Lyers-Bury-Plain.  
They never budge abroad in the day time, but keep within-doors, and contrive, what they bring to Action in the Night: They hate the Sun, and love the Moon with like extremes of Affection.  
The Trees of this Soil are Naturally qualified like the Inhabitants: No Bird can light upon them, but is presently taken as with Lime-\twigs.  
The Chief Town of traffic in these parts is Pick-Pocket-Angle, wherein are two Streets, Tongue-Street, and Pawns-Brook, which in my judgement, exceeds all the Streets of any one City in the World, for length and stateliness of Buildings. Tongue-Street is the general Rendezvouz of all the Lawyers; and Pawns-Brook of the Brokers, Usurers, Tailors and Scriveners.  
'Tis most certain, that no Nation under the Moon is stored with Lawyers as this is, who if they want means of Contention, play the Seedsmen themselves; sowing the Seeds of Animosity and Discord among their peaceable Neighbours.  
Our Westminster, adding all the Inns of Court and Chancery to it, makes but a mere St. Katherins-Hall, in comparison of the Inner-Temple of this Town.  
Their Numbers do daily increase; yet notwithstanding, it is the Opinion of the wisest Politicians of this Land; that they cannot continue long; for when they have eat up the whole Country, as they have almost done already; they must needs decline for want of Clients, unless by the want of business to employ themselves, they should fall out, and go to Law one with another; and by that means disperse abroad what they have Ravenously clawed together, among the Comonalty again; and indeed, by this means, they may leave to their posterities, a prospect of more business, and better employment, in succeeding Times.  
These Lawyer's Footmen are clothed in particoloured Liveries, Like the Knave of Clubs, to signify that their Masters are ready to take Fees on either side.  
The Usurers afford them a considerable part of their employment; but principally the violent Current of the River Fraud; which running among the Quirkney Isles, eateth away one piece of Land here, and casteth it up there; and afterwards washeth it away from thence, and lays it in a third place; changing its course now and then, and taking away one man's whole Estate, gives it to another: And this is that which makes work for the Lawyers.  
Nature has wrought a very strange work upon the Inhabitants of this Town; their Skins do naturally attract Gold and Silver, with as powerful a strength as the Loadstone draweth Steel, and holds it as fast: If a piece of Gold touch but their hands, it sticks so close, that it is impossible with all your strength or force to unloose it from thence; a thing never seen elsewhere, and therefore the worthier of Record.  
Pawns-Brook is peopled with all sorts of Artificers; yet they open no Shops, but every one attends the Passenger at his own Door, with a What lack you Gentlemen? And then if he gets a Chapman, he leads him in, and shows him his Wares in private; one shall show you a chain Crusted over with thin Plates of Gold; and swear, that India, nor Arabia did never afford purer Metal.  
Another Cheats you with a counterfeit Musk Cod. A third with Pearls so dexterously adulterated, both for Weight, Fashion, Clearness, Smoothness and Bigness; that you cannot decern them from true ones; and there will he show you the Shells wherein they grew. Here also you shall have your Lapidaries, with Gems of all sorts, able to delude the most decerning Eye in the World: The Cyprian Diamond, the Sicilian Agate, the Indian Berrill, the Persian Eagle-Stone, the African Chalcedon, the Sythian Smaradg, the Germane Corneil, the Ethiopian Chrysolite, and the Lybian Garbuncle; here they are all, and many more ready prepared by Art-Forgery.  
Here are also Apothecaries in great abundance; and these do nothing but Sophisticate Receipts with their quid pro quo, which would fill a Volume to make a discovery of their Deceits.  
One thing I am both Amazed and Grieved at, they are never taken in their Falcifications, be they never so Palpable; but they have this Prevention, they can change their Shapes, Voices, Trades, and Habits instantly, and so Cunningly, that he goes about to wash a Guiney-Negar white, that seeks for the man to day, that bubbled him yesterday.  
There is a Famous School in the Suburbs, where Art- Spagirick is read to the Youth of this City; and here they have a Book which they esteem as Holy as the Turks their Koran; it is called the History of Mercury, wherein is related, how he in his Infancy, stole Neptune's Trydent, Mars, his Sword, Phoebus his Bow and Arrows, Vulcans-Tongs, and Venus' Girdle; and how ingeniously he cheated Jove of his Thunder, being as then so young, that he must of necessity learn the Theory of this Art in his Mother's Belly: This Book containeth also, all instructions pertaining to the said Science, whereby the Student is thoroughly furnished with all Expert and Methodical Rules, how to Pick Locks, how to draw Latches, how to Tread without noise, how to Angle in a Locked Chest, with a twine Thread, how to Nim the Coal and never touch the Purse, and how to forswear all without Blushing; and a thousand such Secrets.  
One of these Practitioners was ingeniously overreached by a Merchant Trading to this City, (no Foolianian I assure you) from whose Pockets some Forty Royals had disimbarked themselves at the public Exchange of this City: Well, our Merchant resolves to Fish for the Angler and to put his resolution in practice, caused his Pockets to be lined with Fishhooks, fastened with the points downwards, and coming upon Change next day, would often clap his hands on his Pockets; this Bait was a sign of care in him, and of purchase to the busy Eyes of the watchful diver, who observing when he was more busy and less careful, slides his hand gently into the Trap, which the Gentleman all this while observed, but took no seeming notice, till he found him sunk pretty deep; when giving a sudden half turn, my nimble Artist was as fast moared, as a Ship with two Anchors at head, who rather than view the face of Justice, disgorges the Royals very willingly, and (Receiving two or three kicks on the Arss very thankfully) sneaks off.  
There are in this Town more than a good many Innkeepers; these are Knaves Rampant. A Traveller dares not trust his Purse under his Pillow, nor in an Iron Trunk; but must as the Jews did when Besieged, swallow their Gold all the night, and rake for it in his Close-stool next Morning, or it would be gone every scruple.  
The Villages are only inhabited by Millers, Tailors and Ostlers; or according to the Ancient Orthography Oatstealers, unless by chance you may meet with here and there a few straggling Gypsies.   

Of the Province of Stillmore: Or, Nunquam. Satis.  
NOt far from Pick-Pocket-Angul, lieth the Province of Stillmore, Anciently called Nunquam Satis.  
It is in the Hands of a Monstrous sort of Humane Creatures, such as you see depicted in the Emblems of Mondevill, with Heads like Hogs.  
They go always on their hands and Knees, lest they should miss any thing as they pass along the Streets, as is worth the taking up; their Voice is a kind of a grunting.  
None are allowed to dwell amongst them but Old Folks, their Youth if they be Valiant, they send into Booty-Forrest, or else to the Schools of Pick-Pocket-Angul.  
They do eat earth as the Wolf does when he is to fight; and some of them eat nothing at all, but live upon the sight of Gold and Silver, and never sleep but with their eyes open.  
They serve a God, whom they call Full-Chest, with all Superstitious Reverence; and they never go to their Rests till they have seen him, nor do they eat but in his presence.  
In the heart of this Province is a vast and bottomless Lake, called the Gulf of Usury; into which divers pleasant and famous Rivers, pay the last offerings of their Silver Streams; though no Currant can possibly be observed to take its head from this Lake; It being supposed to have some subterranean passage, which they imagine breaks out at the foot of Executor Hill, in the Marquizate of Spendaleza.  
On the Banks of this dead Sea, are seated several Considerable Cities, whereof Extortington is the most formidable for a Garrison; it is under the Government of the Lord Covetous Rackrent.  
The Citizens are unwilling to attempt any thing that is hazardous; yet when once they are Engaged, will study a thousand Intrigues and Stratagems to preserve their interests.  
This City was lately invaded, by the Valiant Mendico, Son to Tatterdemalion Duke of Ragland. The Reason of which Invasion was (as I am informed) That whereas the Inhabitants of this Province, were Obliged by certain Articles, to defend and protect the Tattered Offspring of the Duke of Ragland: They have of late, not only withdrawn their assisting Auxiliaries, but likewise committed many Outrages upon his Subjects, having lately Murdered one of his Ancient and Dear Allies, called Hospitality, and sorely bruised another, called Charity, which Cruelty was committed by Sir Lavish Lackwit, Son-in-Law to the Lord Covetous Rackrent, by driving a Coach full of Ladies (with Six Horses) over them.  
The aforesaid Mendico, with a mighty Army of Raglanders, having a Confederacy with, and Assistants of, two other Valiant Commanders, drew up his forces against this City, and besieged it: These Assistants were Signior Gulletto, Marquis of Bowsington, with his Regiment of Journeymen-shoomakers'; and Count-Coucumber, with two Regiments, consisting of about 20000 Journeymen-Taylors, all Clothed, not as Adam with Figg-leaves, but what is more serviceable, Cabbage; there came also as Volunteers, a Troop of Old Servingmen, and another of Younger-Brothers.  
During this Siege, many Sallies, and Skirmishes happened, the Besiegers for the most part being the greatest Losers, especially at that Resolute and Fatal Sally of Captain Tallymando, who with a Party of Foot, Consisting of Marshals-men, made great havoc amongst them; so that what with the hardships of a long Siege, and being enfeebled with daily Losses, they were compelled to quit their Stations, and leave the Citizens to their Ancient Liberties, whilst the Recruitless Raglanders with their Weatherbeaten Troops, drew off to their Winter Quarters: and 'tis thought Poverty will henceforward keep them in Peace.  
Touching the other Cities of this Province, there is Swine-burrow, a filthy stinking Town; then there is Gatherington, Hoardsterdam, and Lock-ad-a-lid, all handsome Built things; but truly I could not come to View them 〈◊〉 because every particular Citizen of all these places, hath a private Key to the Gates, to Lock at their going out, and their coming in; so that by this means they prevent the Access of all Strangers: Therefore expect no farther Account of them, nor of any others, till farther discoveries are made, by a second Travel.  
FINIS.