THE satire OF Titus Petronius Arbiter, A Roman Knight. With its Fragments, recovered at BELGRADE.  
Made English by Mr. BURNABY of the Middle-Temple, and another Hand.  
Nihil hominum inepta persuasione falsius nec ficta severitate ineptius.  Petro. 
LONDON, Printed for Samuel Briscoe, at the Corner of Charles Street, in Russel Street, Covent-Garden. 1694.   

To the Right Honourable HENRY Earl of Rumney, Viscount Sidney, Master-General of Their Majesty's Ordinance, one of Their Majesty's most Honourable Privy-Council, Constable of Dover-Castle, and Lord Warder of the Cinque-Ports.  
My LORD,  
GOod Men think the meanest Friend no more to be despised, than the Politic the meanest Enemy; and the Generous would be as inquisitive to discover an unknown Esteem for 'em, as the Cautious an unknown Hatred: This I say to plead myself into the number of those you know for your Admirers; and that the World may know it, give me leave to Present you with a Translation of Petronius, and to absolve all my Offences against him, by introducing him into so agreeable Company. You're happy, my Lord, in the most Elegant part of his Character, in the Gallantry and Wit of a Polite Gentleman, mixed with the Observation and Conduct of a Man of Public Employments; And since all share the benefit of you, 'tis the Duty of all to confess their sense of it, I had almost said, to return, as they could, the Favour, and like a true Author, made that my Gratitude which may prove your Trouble: But what flatters me most out of the apprehensions of your Dislike, is the Gentlemanlike Pleasantry of the Work, where you meet with variety of Ridicule on the Subject of Nero's Court, an agreeable Air of Humour in a Ramble through Schools, Bagnio's, Temples, and Markets; Wit and Gallantry in Amours, with Moral Reflections on almost every Accident of Humane Life. In short, my Lord, I shall be very proud to Please a Sidney, an House Fertile, of extraordinary Genio's, whose every Member deserves his own Sir Philip to Celebrate him; whose Characters are Romances to the rest of Mankind, but real Life in his own Family.  
I am, my LORD, Your Lordship's most devoted Humble Servant, W. BURNABY.   

THE PREFACE.  
THe Moors ('tis said) used to cast their newborn Children into the Sea, and only if they Swum would think 'em worth their Care; but mine, with more neglect, I turn into the World; for sink or swim, I have done all I designed for't. I have already, with as much satisfaction as Aeneas in a Cloud heard Dido praise him, heard the Beaux-Criticks condemn this Translation before they saw it, and with as much Judgement as if they had: And after they had Prophetically discovered all the Flaws in the turns of Thought, the cadence of Periods, and had almost brought in Epic and Drama, they supped their Coffee, took Snuff, and charitably concluded to send Briscoe the Pye-Woman to help off with his Books. Well, I have nothing to say, but that these brisk Gentlemen that draw without occasion, must put up without satisfaction.  
After the Injury of 1700 Years or better, and the several Editions in Quarto, Octavo, Duodecimo, etc. with their respective Notes, to little purpose; for these Annotators upon matters of no difficulty, are so tedious, that you can't get rid of their enlargements without sleeping, but at any real Knot are too Modest to interupt any Man's Curiosity in the untying of it. After so many Years, I say, it happened upon the taking of Belgrade this Author was made Entire; made so because the New is suspected to be Illegitimate: But it has so many Features of the lawful Father, that he was at least thought of when 'twas got. Now the Story's made out, the Character of Lycus altered, and Petronius freed from the imputation of not making Divine or Humane Justice pursue an ill-spent Life.  
As to the Translation, the other Hand, I believe, has been very careful; but if my part don't satisfy the World, I should be glad to see myself revenged in a better Version; and tho' it may prove no difficult Province to improve what I have done, I shall yet have the credit of the first Attempt.  
If any of the Fine Gentlemen should be angry after they have read it, as some, to save that trouble, have before; and protest I've yet debauched Petronius, and robbed him of his Language, his only Purity, I hope we shall shortly be reconciled, for I have some very pretty new Songs ready for the Press: If this satisfies them, I'll venture to tell others that I have dressed the meaning of the Original as modestly as I could, but to have quite hid the obscaenity, I thought, were to Invent, not Translate.  
As for the Ladies, if any too-discerning antiquated Hypocrite (for only such I fear) should be angry with the beastly Author; let the Work be my Advocate, where the little liberties I take, as modestly betray a broad Meaning, as blushing when a Man tells the Story.  
Those who object, that things of this nature ought not to be Translated, must arraign the Versions of Juvenal, Suetonius, etc. but what Suetonius thought excusable in History, any sober Man will think much more allowable in satire: Nor can this be offensive to Good-manners, since the gross part here is the displaying of Vices of that Dye, that there's an abhorrence even in Nature from 'em; nor is it possible that any ill Man can talk a good one into a new Frame or Composition; nay, perhaps it may be applicable to a good use, to see our own happiness, that we know that to be opposite to Humanity itself, which some of the Ancients were deluded even to practise as Wit and Gallantry; thus I'm so far from being touched in expressing those Crimes, that I think it makes the more for me, the more they're detested.  
If I have altered or added to the Author, it was either to render those Customs of the Romans that were analogous to ours, by what was more familiar to us, or to prevent a Note by enlarging on others where I found 'em.  
The Verse of both Parts are Mine, and I have taken a great liberty in 'em; and tho' I believe there I have not wronged the Original, yet all will not amount to call them Good.  
The Money at first I made English Coin, but not the exact worth, because it would have been odd in some places to have brought in pence and farthings; as when the thousand Sesterces are offered to discover Gito, it would not be consistent with the haste they were in to offer so many Pounds, so many Shillings, and so many Pence: I therefore proportioned a sum to the Story without casting up the Sesterces; thus they went to the Press: But advised either to give the just value or the Roman Coin, I resolved on the latter for the Reasons I have given, and altered the Sums as the Proofs came to my hands; but trusting the care of one Sheet to a Friend, the sum 2000 Crowns past unalter'd.  
W. B.   

THE satire OF Titus Petronius Arbiter, A Roman Knight. With its Fragments, recovered at BUDA, 1688.  Made English by Mr. BURNABY of the Middle-Temple, and another Hand. 
I Promised you an Account of what befell me, and am now resolved to be as good as my Word, being so met to our Desires; not only to improve our Learning but to be Merry, and put Life in our Discourse with pleasanter Tales.  
Fabricius Vejeuto has already, and that wittily handled the Juggle of Religion, and withal discovered with what impudence and ignorance Priests pretend to be inspired: But are not our wrangling Pleaders possessed with the same Frenzy? who cant it; These Wounds I received in defence of your Liberty; this Eye was lost in your Service; lend me a Hand to hand me to my Children, for my faltering Hams are not able to support me.  
Yet even this might pass for tolerable, did it put young beginners in the least way to well-speaking. Whereas now, what with the inordinate swelling of Matter, and the empty rattling of Words, they only gain this, That when they come to appear in Public, they think themselves in another World. And therefore I look upon the young fry of Collegiates as likely to make the most hopeful Blockheads, because they neither hear nor see any thing that is in use among Men: But a company of Pirates with their Chains on the shore; Tyrants issuing Proclamations to make Children kill their Fathers; the answers of Oracles in a Plague-time, that three or more Virgins be sacrificed to appease the Gods; dainty fine Honey-Pellets of Words, and every thing so said and done, as if it were all Spice and Garnish.  
Those that are thus bred can no more understand, than those that live in a Kitchen not stink of the Grease: Give me, with your favour, leave to say, 'twas you first lost the good grace of speaking; for with light idle jingles of Words to make sport ye have brought it to this, That the substance of Oratory is become effeminate and sunk.  
Young Men were not kept to this way of declaiming when Sophocles and Euripides influenced the Age. Nor yet had any blind Alley-Professor foiled their Inclinations, when Pindar and the Nine Lyrics durst not attempt Homer's Numbers: And that I may not bring my Authority from Poets, 'tis certain, neither Plato nor Demosthenes ever made it their Practice: A S●il● one would value, and as I may call it, a chaste Oration, is not splatchy nor swollen, but rises with a natural Beauty.  
This windy and irregular way of ●abling came lat●ly out of Asia into Athens; and having, like some ill Planet, blasted the aspiring Genius of their Youth, at once corrupted and put a period to all tr●e Eloquence.  
After this, Who came up to the height of Thucydides? Who reached the Fame of Hyperedes? Nay, there was hardly a Verse of a right strain: But all, as of the same batch, died with their Author. Painting also made no better an end, after the boldness of the Egyptians ventured to bring so great an Art into a narrower compass.  
At this and the like rate myself once declaimed, when one Agamemnon made up to us, and looking sharply on him, whom the Mob with such diligence observed, he would not suffer me to declaim longer in the Portico, than he had sweated in the School; But, young Man, said he, because your Discourse is beyond the common apprehension, and, which is not often seen, that you are a lover of Understanding, I won't deceive you: The Masters of these Schools are not to blame, who think it necessary to be mad with mad Men: For unless they teach what their Scholars approve, they might, as Cicero says, keep School to themselves: like flattering smell-Feasts, who when they come to great men's Tables study nothing more than what they think may be most agreeable to the Company (as well knowing they shall never obtain what they would, unless they first spread a Net for their Ears) so a Master of Eloquence, unless, fisherman like, he bait his Hook with what he knows the Fish will bite at, may wait long enough on the Rock without hopes of catching any thing.  
Where lies the Fault then? Parents ought to be sharply reprehended, who will not have their Children come on by any strict Method; but in this, as in all things, are so fond of making a Noise in the World; and in such haste to compass their Wishes, that they hurry them in public e'er they have digested what they have read, and put Children e'er they are well past their Sucking-Bottle, upon the good grace of speaking, than which even themselves confess, nothing is greater: Whereas if they would suffer them to come up by degrees, that their Studies might be tempered with grave Lectures; their Affections fashioned by the Dictates of Wisdom; that they might work themselves into a Mastery of Words; and for a long time hear, what they're inclined to imitate, nothing that pleased Children, would be admired by them. But now Boys trifle in the Schools, young Men are laughed at in public, and, which is worse than both, what every one foolishly takes up in his Youth, no one will confess in his Age. But that I may not be thought to condemn Lucilius, as written in haste, I also will give you my Thoughts in Verse.  
Who ere would with ambitious just desire,  
To Mastery in so fine an Art aspire,  
Must all Extremes first diligently shun,  
And in a settled course of V●rtue run.  
Let him not Fortune with stiff Greatness climb,  
Nor, Courtier-like, with Cringes undermine;  
Nor all the Brother Blockheads of the Pot,  
Ever persuade him to become a Sot;  
Nor flatter Poets to acquire the Fame  
Of, I protest, a pretty Gentleman.  
But whether in the War be would be great,  
Or, in the gentl●r Arts that rule a State;  
Or, else his amorous Breast he would improve  
Well, to receive the youthful Cares of Love.  
In his first Years to Poetry inclined,  
Let Homer's Spring bedew his fruitful Mind;  
His manli●r Years to manlier Studies brought,  
Philosophy must next imply his Thought.  
Then let his boundless Soul new Glories ●ire,  
And to the great Demosthenes aspire.  
When round in throngs the listening People come,  
T' admire what sprung in Greece so slow at home.  
Raised to this height, your leisure hours engage  
In something just and worthy of the Stage;  
Your choice of Words from Cicero derive;  
And in your Poems you design should live,  
The Joys of Feasts, and Terrors of a War,  
More pleasing those, and these more frightful are,  
When told by you, than in their acting were:  
And thus, enriched with such a golden s●ore,  
You're truly fit to be on Orator.  
While I was wholly taken up with Agamemnon, I did not observe how Ascyltos had given me the slip, and as I continued my diligence, a great crowd of Scholars filled the Portico, to hear, (as it appeared afterwards) an extemporary Declamation, of I know not whom, that was discanting on what Agamemnon had said; while therefore they ridiculed his Advice, and condemned the order of the whole, I took an opportunity of getting from them, and ran in qu●st of Ascyltos: But the hurry I was in, with my ignorance where our Inn lay, so distracted me, that wha● way soever I went, I returned by 〈◊〉 ●●●e, till tired in the pursuit, and all in a sweat, I met an old Herb-Woman: An●, I beseech ●e Mother, quoth I, do you know whereabouts I devil? Pleased with the simplicity of such a homebred J●st, W●● should I not? answered she; and 〈◊〉 on her Feet went on b●●ore me: I thought her no less than a Witch: But, having led me into a buy Lane, she threw off her Pyebaled Patch't-Mantle, and here, quoth she, you can't want a Lodging.  
While I was denying I knew the House, I observed a company of Beaux reading the Bills o'er the Cells, on which was inscribed the Name of the Whore and her Price; and others of the same Function naked, scuttling it here and there, as if they would not, yet would be seen: When too late I found myself in a Bawdy-House, cursing the Jade that had trapan'd me thither, I covered my Head and was just making off through the midst of them, when in the very Entry Ascyltos met me, but as tired as myself, and in a manner dead; you'd have sworn the same old Woman brought him. I could not forbear laughing, but having saluted each other, I asked him what business he had in so scandalous, a place? he wiped his Face, And if you knew, said he, what has happened to me— As what? quoth I.  
He faintly replied; When I had roved the whole City without finding where I had left the Inn, the Master of this House came up to me, and kindly proffered to be my Guide; so through many a cross Lane and blind turning, having brought me to this House, he drew his Weapon and pressed for a closer engagement. In this Affliction the Whore of the Cell also demanded Garnish-Money; and he laid such Hands on me, that had I not been too strong for him, I had gone by the worst of it.  
While Ascyltos was telling his Tale, in come the same Fellow, with a Woman, none of the least agreeable, and looking upon Ascyltos, entreated him to walk in and fear nothing, for if he would not be Passive he might be Active: The Woman on the other hand pressed me to go in with her. We followed therefore, and being led among those Bills, we saw many of both Sexes at work in the Cells *, so much every of them seemed to have taken a Provocative *.  
Nor were we sooner discovered than they would have been at us with the like Impudence, and in a trice one of them, his Coat tucked under his Girdle, laid hold on Ascyltos, and having thrown him athwart a Couch, would have been bobbing at him: I presently ran to help the undermost, * and putting our strengths together, we made nothing of the troublesome Fool *. Ascyltos' went off, and flying, left me exposed to the Fury; but, thanks to my strength, I got off without hurt.  
I had almost traversed the City round, * when through the dusk I saw Gito on the Beggars-Bench of our Inn *; I made up to him, and going in, asked him, what Ascyltos had got us for Dinner? the Boy sitting down on the Bed, began to wipe the Tears that stood in his Eyes; I was much concerned at it, and asked him the occasion; he was slow in his answer, and seemed unwilling; but mixing Threats with my Entreaties; 'Twas that Brother or Comrogue of yours, said he, that coming ere while into our Lodging, wou'● have been at me, and put hard for it: When I cried out, he drew his Sword, and if thou art a Lucr●●●●, said he, thou hast met a Tarquin.  
I heard him, and shaking my Fist at Ascyltos, what sayest thou, said I, thou Catamite, whose very Breath is tainted?  
He dissembled at first a great trembling, but presently throwing my Arms aside, in a higher Voice cried out, Must you be prating, thou ribauldrous Cutthroat *, whom, condemned for murdering thine Host *, nothing but the fall of the Stage could have saved? You make a noise, thou Night-Pad, who when at thy best hadst never to do with any Woman but a Bawd? On what account, think ye, was I the same to you in the Aviary, that the Boy here, now is?  
And who but you, interrupted I, gave me that slip in the Portico? Why what, my Man of Gotham, continued he, must I have done, when I was dying for hunger? Hear Sentence forsooth, that is, the rattling of broken Glasses, and the expounding of Dreams? So help me Hercules, as thou art the greater Rogue of the two, who to get a meals Meat wert not ashamed to commend an insipid Rhimer. When at last, having turned the humour from Scolding to Laughing, we began to talk soberly.  
But the late Injury still sticking in my Stomach, Ascyltos, said I, I find we shall never agree together, therefore let's divide the common Stock, and each of us set up for himself: thou'rt a piece of a Scholar, and I'll be no himdrance to thee, but think of some other way; for otherwise we shall run into a thousand mischiefs, and become Town-talk.  
Ascyltos' was not against it; And since we have promised, said he, as Scholars, to sup together, let's husband the Night too; and to morrow I'll get me a new Lodging, and some Comrade or other.  
'tis irksome, said I, to defer what we like, (the itch of the Flesh occasioned this ha●ty parting, tho' I had been a long time willing to shake off so troublesome an observer of my Actions, that I might renew my old Intrigue with my Gito.)  
Ascyltos taking it as an Affront, without answering, went off in a heat: I was too well acquainted with his subtle Nature, and the violence of his Love, not to fear the effects of so sudden a breach, and therefore made after him, both to observe his Designs and prevent them; but losing sight of him, was a long time in pursuit to no purpose.  
When I had searched the whole Town, I returned to my Lodging, where, the Ceremony of Kisses ended, I got my Boy to a closer hug, and, enjoying my wishes, thought myself happy even to Envy: Nor had I done when Ascyltos stole to the Door, and springing the Bolt, found us at leapfrog; upon which, clapping his Hands, he fell a laughing, and turning me out of the Saddle; What, said he, most reverend Gentleman, what were you doing, my Brother Sterling? Nor content with Words only, but untying the Thong that bound his Wallet, he gave me a warning, and with other reproaches, As you like this, so be for parting again.  
The unexpectedness of the thing made me take no notice of it, but politicly turn it off with a laugh; for otherwise I must have been at Loggarheads with my Rival: Whereas sweetening him with a counterfeit Mirth, I brought him also to laugh for company: And you, E●colpius, began he, are so wrapped in Pleasures, you little consider how short our Money grows, and what we have left will turn to no account: There's nothing to be got in Town this Summertime, ●e shall have better l●ck in the Country; let's visit our Friends.  
Necessity made me approve his Advice, as well as conceal the smart of his Lash; so loading Gito with our Baggage, we left the City, and went to the House of one Ly●urgus, a Roman Knight; who, because Ascyltos had formerly been his Pathic, entertained us handsomely and the Company, we met there, made our Diversions the pleasanter: For, first there was Tryphaena, a very beautiful Woman, that had come with one ●ycas, the owner of a Ship, and of a small Seat, that lay next the Sea.  
The Delight we received in this place was more than can be expressed, tho' Lycurgus' Table was thrifty enough: The ●irst thing was every one to choose his Play-Mate: The fair Tryphaena pleased me, and readily inclined to me; but I had scarce given her the Courtes●e of the House, when Lycus storming to have his old Amour slock● from him, accused me at first of under-dealing; but soon from a Rival addressing himself as a Lover, he pleasantly told me, I must repair his Damages, and plied me hotly: But Tryphaena having my Heart, I could not lend him an Ear. The refusal set him the sharper; he followed me wherever I went, and getting into my Chamber at night, when Entreaty did no good, he fell to downright Violence; but I raised such an outcry that I waked the whole House, and, by the help of Lycurgus● got rid of him for that bo●t.  
At length perceiving Lycurgus' House was not for his purpose, he would have persuaded me to his own; but I rejecting the ●ro●●●r, he made use of Tryphaena's Authority and she the rather persuaded me to yield to him, because she was in hopes of living more at liberty there. I followed therefore whither my Love led me; but Lycurgus having renewed his old Concern with Ascyltos, would not suffer him to depart: At last we agreed, that he should stay with Lycurgus, and we go with Lycus: Over and beside which, it was concluded, that every of us, as opportunity offered, should pilfer what he could for the common Stock.  
Lyc●s was ove● joyed at my Consent, and so hastened our departure, that, taking l●ave of our Friends, we arrived at his ●ous● the same Day.  
But in our Passage he so ordered the matter that ●e ●●te next me, and Tryphaena next Gito, which he purposely contrived to show the notorious Lightness of that Woman; nor was he mistaken in her, for she presently grew hot upon the Boy: I was quickly ●ealous, and Lyc●s so exactly remarked it to me, that he soon confirmed my suspicion of her. On this I began to be easier to him, which made him all Joy, as being assured the Unworthiness of my new Mistress would beget my Contempt of her, and resenting her slight, I should receive him with the better will.  
So stood the matter while we were at Lycas': Tryphaena was desperately in love with Gito; Gito again as wholly devoted to her; I cared least for the sight of either of them; and Lycus studying to please me, found me every day some new Diversion: In all which also his Wife Doris, a fine Woman, strove to exceed him, and that so gaily, that she presently thrust Tryphaena from my Heart: I gave her the Wink, and she returned her Consent by as wanton a Twinkle; so that this dumb Rhetoric going before the Tongue, secretly conveyed each others Mind.  
I knew Lycus was jealous, which kept me Tongue-tied so long, and the love he bore his Wife made him discover to her, his inclination to me: But the first opportunity we had of talking together, she related to me what she had learned from him; and I frankly confessed it, but withal told her how absolutely averse I had ever been to't: Well then, quoth the discreet Woman, we must try our Wits, according to his own Opinion, the permission was one's and the possession another's.  
By this time Gito had been worn off his Legs, and was gathering new strength, when Tryphaena came back to me, but disappointed of her expectation, her Love turned to a downright Fury; and, all on fire with following me to no purpose, got into my Intrigue both with Lycus and his Wife: She made no account of his gamesomness with me, as well knowing it would hinder no Grist to her Mill: But for Doris, she never left till she had found out our private Amours, and gave a hint of it to Lycus; whose Jealousy having got the upper hand of his Love, ran all to revenge; but Doris, advertised by Tryph●ena's Woman, to divert the Storm, forbore any more such meetings.  
As soon as I perceived it, having cursed the Treachery of Tryphaena, and the Ingratitude of Lycus, I began to make off, and Fortune favoured me: For a Ship consecrated to the Goddess Isis, laden with rich Spoils, had the day before run upon the ●ocks.  
Gito and I laid our Heads together, and he was as willing as myself to be gone; for Tryphaena having drawn him dry, began now not to be so fond of him. Early the next morning therefore we marched to Seaward, where with the less difficulty we got on board the Ship, because we were no strangers to Lycas' Servants then in wait upon her: They still honouring us with their company, it was not a time to filch any thing; but, leaving Gito with them, I took an opportunity of getting into the Stern, where the Image of Isis stood, and stripped her of a rich Mantle, and Silver Taber, lifting other good Booty out of the Master's Cabin, I stole down by a Rope, unseen of any but Gito; who also gave them the slip and skulked after me.  
As soon as I saw him I showed him the Purchase, and both of us resolved to make what haste we could to Ascyltos, but Lycurgus' House was not to be reached the same day: When we came to Ascyltos we showed him the Prize, and told him in short the manner of getting it, and how we were made a mere may-game of Love: He advised us to prepossess Lycurgus with our Case, and make him our Friend ●re the others could see him; and withal boldly assert it, That the trick Lycus would have served them, was the only cause why they stole away so hastily; which when Lycurgus came to understand, he swore he would at all times protect us against our Enemies.  
Our flight was unknown till Tryphaena and Doris were got out of bed; for we daily attended their levy, and waited on them while they were dressing; but, when contrary to custom they found us missing, Lycus sent after us, and especially to the Seaside, for he had heard we made that way, but not a word of the Pillage, for the Ship lay somewhat to Seaward, and the Master had not yet returned on board.  
But at last it being taken for granted, we were run away, and Lycus becoming uneasy for want of us, fell desperately foul on his Wife, whom he supposed to be the cause of our departure: I'll take no notice of what Words and Blows passed between them; I know not every particular: I'll only say, Tryphaena, the Mother of Mischief, had put Lycus in the head, that it might so be, we had taken sanctuary at Lycurgus', where she persuaded him to go in quest of the Runagates, and promised to bear him company, that she might confound our Impudence with just Reproaches.  
The next day they accordingly set forward, and came to his House; but we were out of the way: For Lycurgus was gone to a Festival in honour of Hercules, held at a neighbouring Village, and had taken us with him, of which when the others were informed, they made what haste they could to us, and met us in the Portico of the Temple. The sight of them very much disordered us: Lycus eagerly complained of our flight to Lycurgus, but was received with such a bended Brow, and so haughty a Look, that I grew valiant upon't, and with an open Throat charged him with his beastly attempts upon me, as well at Lycurgus' as in his own House; and Tryphaena endeavouring to stop my Mouth, had her share with him, for I set out her Harlotry to the Mob, who were got about us to hear the scolding: And as a proof of what I said, I showed them poor sapless Giton, and myself also, whom that itch of the Whore had even brought to our Graves.  
The shout of the Mob put our Enemies so out of Countenance that they went off heavily, but contriving a revenge; and therefore observing how we had put upon Lycurgus, they went back to expect him at his House, and set him right again. The Solemnity ending later than was expected, we could not reach Lycurgus' that Night, and therefore he brought us to a halfway House, but left us asleep next Morning, and went home to dispatch some business, where he found Lycus and Tryphaena waiting for him, who so ordered the matter with him, that they brought him to secure us. Lycurgus' naturally barbarous and faithless, began to contrive which way to betray us, and sent Lycus to get some help, whilst he secured us in the Village.  
Thither he came, and at his first entry, treated us as Lycus had done: After which wring his Hands together, he upbraided us with the Lie we had made of Lycus, and taking Ascyltoes from us, locked us up in the Room where we were, without so much as hearing him speak in our defence; but carrying him to his House, set a Guard upon us, till himself should return.  
On the Road Ascyltos did what he could to mollify Lycurgus; but neither Entreaties, nor Love, nor Tears doing any good on him, it came into our Comerades head to set us at liberty, and being all on fire at Lycurgus' restiness, refused to bed with him that Night, and by that means the more easily put in execution what he had been thinking on.  
The Family was in their dead sleep when Ascyltos took our Fardels on his Shoulders, and getting through a breach in the Wall, which he had formerly taken notice of, came to the Village by break of Day, and meeting no one to stop him, boldly entered it and came up to our Chamber; which the Guard that was upon us, took care to secure; but the Bar being of Wood, he easily wrenched it with an Iron Crow, and wakened us; for we snored, in spite of Fortune.  
Our Guard had so over-watched themselves, that they were fallen into a dead sleep, and we only waked at the Crack. To be short, Ascyltos came in and briefly told us what he had done for our sakes: On this we got up; and as we were rigging ourselves, it came into my Head to kill the Guard, and rifle the Village; I told Ascyltos my Mind: He liked the rifling well enough, but gave us a wished delivery without Blood, for being acquainted with every corner of the House, he picked the Lock of an Inner-Room where the Movables lay, and bringing us into it, we lifted what was of most value, and got off while it was yet early in the Morning; avoiding the common Road, and not resting till we thought ourselves out of danger.  
Then Ascyltos having gotten heart again, began to amplify the Delight he took in having pillaged Lycurgus; of whose miserableness he, nor without cause, complained; for he neither paid him for his Night's service, nor kept a Table that had either Meat, or Drink on't, being such a sordid pintch-peny; that, notwithstanding his infinite Wealth, he denied himself the common Necessaries of Life.  
Unhappy Tantalus, amidst the Flood,  
Where floating Appl● on the surface rolled,  
Ever pursued them with a longing Eye,  
Yet could no● Thrust nor Hunger satisfy.  
Such is the Miser's fate; who midst his store,  
Fearing to use, is miserably poor.  
Ascyltoes would have been for Naples the same day, had I not told him how imprudent it was to take up there, where, forasmuch as could be conjectured, we were most likely to be sought after: And therefore, said I, let's keep out of the way for the present, and, since we have enough to keep us from want, stroll it about till the Heat be over. The Advice was approved, and we set forward for a pleasant Country-Town, where we were sure to m●et some of our Acquaintance that were taking the benefit of the Season: But we were scarce got half way, when a shower of Rain emptying itself upon us like Buckets, forced us into the next Village; w●ere entering the Inn, we saw a great many others that had also struck in, to avoid the Storm. The throng kept us from being taken notice of, and gave us the opportunity of prying here and there, what we might ●ilch in a Crowd, when Ascyltos, unheeded of any one, took a Purse from the Ground, in which he found several pieces of Gold; we leaped for Joy at so fortunate a beginning; but fearing, lest some or other might seek after it, we slunk out at a Backdoor, where we saw a Groom Sadling his Horses; but, as having forgotten somewhat, he run into the House, leaving behind him an Embroidered Mantle, mailed to one of the Saddles: In his absence I cut the Straps, and under the covert of some Out-sheds, we made off with it to a neighbouring Forest.  
Being more out of danger among the Thickets, we cast about where we should hide the Gold, that we might not be either charged with the Felony, or robbed of it ourselves: At last we concluded to sow it in the Lining of an old patched Coat which I threw over my Shoulders, and entrusted the care of the Mantle to Ascyltos, in design to get to the City by Cross-ways: But as we were going out, we heard somewhat on our left hand, to this purpose: They shall not escape us; they came into the Wood; let's separate ourselves and beat about, that we may the better discover and take them. This put us into such a fright, that Ascyltoes and Giton fled through Briars and Brambles to the City-ward; but I turned back again in such a hurry, that without perceiving it, the precious Coat dropped from my Shoulders: At last being quite tired, and not able to go any further, I laid me down under the shelter of a Tree, where I first missed the Coat: Then grief restored my strength, and up I got again to try if I could recover the Treasure; I ran hither and thither, and every where, but to no purpose; but spent and wasted between toil and heaviness, I got into a Thicket, where having tarried four hours, and half dead with the horror of the place, I sought the way out; but going forward, a Countryman came in sight of me: Then I had need of all my Confidence, nor did it fail me: I went up roundly to him, and making my moan how I had lost myself in the Wood, desired him tell me the way to the City: He pitying my Figure (for I was as pale as Death, and all bemired) asked me if I had seen any one in the Wood? I answered, not a Soul— on which he courteously brought me into the Highway, where he met two of his Friends, who told him, they had traversed the Wood through and through, but had light upon nothing but a Coat, which they showed him.  
It may easily be believed I had not the courage to challenge it, tho' I knew well enough what the value of it was: This struck me more than all the rest; however, bewailing my Treasure, the Countryman not heeding me, and feebleness growing upon me, I slackened my pace, and jogged on ●lower than ordinarily.  
It was longer ere I reached the City than I thought of; but coming to the Inn, I found Ascyltos' half dead, and stretched on a Straw Pallet, and fell on another my s●lf, not able to utter a word: He missing the Coat was in a great disorder, and hastily demanded of me, what was become of it: I on the other hand, scarce able to draw my breath, resolved him by my languishing Eyes, what my To●g●e would not give me leave to speak: At length recovering by little and little, I plainly told him the ill luck I had met with: But he thought I jested, and tho' the tears in my Eyes might have been as full Evidence to him as an Oath, he yet questioned the truth of what I said, and would not believe but I had a mind to cheat him. During this, Giton stood as troubled as myself, and the Boy's sadness increased mine: But the fresh Suit that was after us, distracted me most. I opened the whole to Ascyltos, who seemed little concerned at it, as having luckily got off for the present, and withal assured himself, that we were past danger, in that we were neither known, nor seen by any one: However, it was thou●ht fit to pretend a Sickness, that we might have the better pretext to keep where we were: But our moneys falling shorter than we thought of, and Necessity enforcing us, we found it high time to sell some of our Pillage.  
It was almost dark, when going into the Broker's Market, we saw abundance of things to be bought and sold: of no extraordinary value, 'tis true; yet such whose Nightwalking Trade, the dusk of the Evening might easily conceal. We also had the Mantle with us, and taking the opportunity of a blind Corner, fell a shaking the Skirt of it, to try if so glittering a Show would bring us a Purchaser; nor had we been long there, ere a certain Countryman, whom I thought I had seen before, came up to us with a Hussye that followed him, and began to consider the Mantle more narrowly, as on the other side did Ascyltos our Country Chapman's Shoulders, which presently startled him, and struck him Dumb, nor could myself behold ●em without being concerned at it, for he seemed to me to be the same Fellow that had found the Coat in the Wood, as in truth he was: But Ascyltos doubting whether he might trust his Eyes or not, and that he might not do any thing rashly, first came nearer to him as a Buyer, and taking the Coat from his Shoulders, began to cheapen, and turn it more carefully. O the wonderful vagaries of Fortune! for the Countryman had not so much as examined a Seam of it, but carelessly exposed it as Beggars-booty.  
Ascyltos seeing the Coat unripped, and the Person of the Seller contemptible, took me aside from the Crowd: And don't you see Brother, said he, the treasure I made such moan about is returned? That's the Coat with the Gold in't, all safe and untouched: What therefore do we do, or what course shall we take to get our own again?  
I now comforted, not so much that I had seen the Booty, but had cleared myself of the Suspicion that lay upon me, was by no means for going about the Bush, but down right bringing an Action against him, That if the Fellow would not give up the Coat to the right owner, we might recover it by Law;  
Law● bear the Name, but Money has the Power;  
The Cause is bad when e'er the Client's Poor:  
Those strict lived Men that seem above our World  
Are oft too modest to resist our Gold.  
So Judgement, like our other Wares, is sold;  
And the grave Knight that nods upon the Laws,  
Waked by a Fee, Hems, and approves the Cause.  
Ascyltos on the other side afraid of the Law, who, said he, knows us in this place, or will give any credit to what we say? I am clear for buying it, tho' we know it to be our own, and rather recover the Treasure with a little Money, than embroil ourselves in an uncertain Suit; but we had not above a couple of Groats ready Money, and that we designed should buy us somewhat to eat. Lest therefore the Coat should be gone in the mean time, we agreed, rather than fail, to sell the Mantle at a lower price, that the Advantage we got by the one, might make what we lost by the other more easy.  
Assoon therefore as we had spread open the Mantle, the Woman that stood muffled by the Countryman, having pryingly taken notice of some tokens about it, forceably laid both hands on't, and setting up her Throat, cried out, Thieves, Thiefs!  
We on t'other part being disordered at it, lest yet he might seem to do nothing, got hold of the tottered Coat, and as spitefully roared, they had robbed us of it: But our case was in no wise like theirs, and the Rabble that came in to the outcry, ridiculed, as they were wont, the weaker side, in that the others made claim to so rich a Mantle, and we to a ragged Coat, scarce worth a good Patch. At this Ascyltoes could hardly keep his Countenance; but the noise being over, We see, said he, how every one likes his own best, Give us our Coat, and let them take the Mantle.  
The Countryman and the Woman liked the exchange well enough, but a sort of Pettifoggers, most of whose business was such Night Practice, having a mind to get the Mantle themselves, as importunately required, that both Mantle and Co●t should be left in their hands, and the Judge would hear their complaints on the Morrow: For it was not the things alone that seemed to be in dispute, but quite another matter to be enquired into, to wit, a strong suspicion of Robbery on both sides.  
At last it was agreed to put both into some indifferent hand, till the right were determined; when presently one, I know not who, with a bald Pate, and a Face full of Pimples, he had been formerly a kind of Solicitor, steps out of the Rout, and laying hold on the Mantle, said he'd be Security it should be forthcoming the next day: when in truth he intended nothing more, but that having gotten it into Hucksters hands, it might be smugled among them, as believing we would never come to own it, for fear of being taken up for it; for our part we were as willing as he; and an Accident befriended both of us: For the Countryman thinking scorn of it, that we demanded to have the patched Coat given us, threw it at Ascyltos' Head, and discharging us of every thing but the Mantle, required that to be secured as the only cause of the Dispute. Having therefore recovered, as we thought, our Treasure, we made all the haste we could to the Inn, and having shut the Door upon us, made ourselves Merry, as well with the judgement of the Rabble as of our Detractors, who with so much circumspection had restored us our Money.  
While we were ripping the Coat and taking out the Gold, we overheard somebody ask mine Host, what kind of People those were that had just now come in, and being startled at it, I went down to see what was the matter, and understood that a City Serjeant, who according to the duty of his Office, took an account of all Strangers, and had seen a couple come into the Inn, whose Names he had not yet Registered, and therefore inquired of what Country they were, and what way of living they had.  
But mine Host gave me such a blind Account of it, that I began to suspect we were not safe there; whereupon for fear of being taken up, we thought fit to go off for the present, and not come back again till it was more in the Night, but leave the care of our Supper to Gito.  
We had resolved to keep out of the Broad Streets, and accordingly took our Walk through that quarter of the City where we were likely to meet least Company; when in a narrow winding Lane that had not Passage through, we saw somewhat before us, two comely Matron-like Women, and followed them at a distance to a Chapel, which they entered, whence we heard an odd humming kind of Noise, as if it came from the hollow of a Cave: Curiosity also made us go in after them, where we saw a number of Women, as mad as they had been, Sacrificing to Bacchus, and each of them an Amulet (the Ensign of Priapus) in her Hand. More than that, we could not get to see; for they no sooner perceived us, than they set up such a Shout, that the Roof of the Temple shook again, and witha● endeavoured to lay Hands on us; but we scampered and made what haste we could to the Inn.  
Nor had we sooner stuffed ourselves with the Supper Gito had got for us, when a more than ordinary Bounce at the Door, put us into another fright; and when we, pale as Death, asked who who was there, 'twas answered, Open the Door and you'll see: While we were yet talking, the Bolt dropped off, and the Door flew open, on which, a Woman with her Head muffled came in upon us, but the same who a little before had stood by the Countryman in the Market: And what, said she, do you think to put a Trick upon me? I am Quartilla's Maid, whose Sacred recess you so lately disturbed: She is at the Inn-gate, and desires to speak with ye: not that she either taxes your Inadvertency, or has a mind to so resent it, but rather wonders, what God brought such Civil Gentlemen into her Quarters.  
We were silent as yet, and gave her the hearing, but inclined to neither part of what she had said, when in came Quartilla herself, attended with a young Girl, and sitting down by me, fell a weeping: nor here also did we offer a word, but stood expecting what those Tears at command meant. At last when the Shower had emptied itself, she disdainfully turned up her Hood, and clinching her Fingers together, till the Joints were ready to crack, what Impudence, said she, is this? or where learned ye those Shamms, and that slight of Hand ye have so lately been beholding to? By my Faith, Youngmen, I am ●●rry for ye; for no one beheld wha● was unlawful for him to see, and went off unpunished: and verily our part of the Town has so many Deities, you'll sooner find a God than a Man in't: And that you may not think I came hither to be revenged on ye, I am more concerned for your Youth, than the Injury ye have done me: for unawares, as I yet think, ye have committed an inexpiable abomination.  
For my part it troubled me all Night, and threw me into such a shaking, that I was afraid I had gotten a Tertian, on which I took somewhat to have made me sleep; but the God appeared to me, and commanded me to rise and find ye out, as the likeliest way to take off the violence of the Fit. But I am not so much in pain for a remedy, as that a greater anguish strikes me to the heart, and will undoubtedly make an end of me, for fear in one of your Youthful Frolicks, you should disclose what you saw in Priapus' Chapel, and utter the Counsels of the Gods among the People. Low as your Knees, I therefore lift my Hands t'ye, that ye neither make Sport of our Night-worship, nor dishonour the Mysteries of so many Years, which, 'tis not every one, even among ourselves, that knows.  
After this she fell a crying again, and with many a pitiful groan, fell flat on my Bed: when I at the same time, between pity and fear, bid her take courage and assure herself of both; for that we would neither divulge those holy Mysteries; nor if the God had prescribed her any other remedy for her Ague, be wanting ourselves to assist Providence, even with our own hazard.  
At this Promise of mine, becoming more cheerful, she fell a kissing me thick and threefold, and turning the humour of Tears into Laughing, she combed up some Hair that hung over my Face with her Fingers, and I come to a Truce with ye, said she, and discharge ye of the Process I intended against you: but if ye should refuse me the Medicine I entreat of ye for the Ague, I have Fellows enough will be ready by to Morrow, that shall both vindicate my Reputation, and revenge the Affront ye put upon me.  
Contempt's dishono'rable, and the Giver rude,  
T' advise the Doctor, speaks the patient proud:  
But I am Mistress of myself so far,  
I can pay scorn with scorn without a War:  
The wise revenge is to neglect the ill,  
They're not the only Conquerors that Kill.  
Then clapping her Hands together, she turned off to so violent a Laughter, that made us apprehensive of some designs against us; the same also did the Woman that came in first, and the Girl that came with her; but so mimically, that seeing no reason for so sudden a change, we one while stared on one another, and otherwhile on the Woman.  
At length, quoth Quartilla, I have commanded, That no flesh alive be suffered to come into this Inn to day; that I may receive from you the Medicine for the Ague without interruption.  
At what time As●yltos was a little amazed, and I so chilled, that I had not power to utter a word: But the Company gave me heart not to expect worse, for they were but three Women's and if they had any design, must yet be too weak to effect it against us, who if we had nothing more of Man about us, had yet that Figure to befriend us: We were all girt up for the purpose, and I had so contrived the Couples, that if it must come to a Rancounter, I was to make my part good with Quartilla, Ascyltos with her Woman, and Gito the Girl.  
While I was thus casting the matter in my Head, Quartilla came up to me, to cure her of her Ague, but finding herself disappointed, flew off in a rage, and returning in a little while, told us, there were certain Persons unknown, had a design upon us, and therefore commanded to remove us into a Noble Palace.  
Here all our Courage failed us, and nothing but certain Death seemed to appear before us.  
When I began, If, Madam, you design to be more severe with us, be yet so kind as to dispatch it quickly; for whatever our offence be, it is not so heinous that we ought to be racked to death for it: Upon which her Woman, whose Name was Psyche, spread a Coverlet on the Floor, and fell examining the Linings of my Breeches, but her labour was lost, all was cold and dead. Ascyltos' muffled his Head in his Coat, as having had a hint given him, how dangerous it was to take notice of what did not concern him: In the mean time Psyche took off her Garters, and with the one of them bound my Feet, and with the other my Hands.  
Thus fettered as I lay, This, Madam, said I, is not the way to rid you of your Ague: I grant it, answered Psyche, but I have a Dose at hand will infallibly do it; and therewith brought me a lusty Bowl of Satyrion. (a Love-Potion) and so merrily ran over the wonderful effects of it, that I had well-nigh sucked it all off: But because Ascyltos had slighted her Courtship, she finding his Back towards her, threw the bottom of it on him.  
Ascyltos perceiving the Chat was at an end, Am not I worthy, said he, to get a Sup? And Psyche fearing my Laughter might discover her, clapped her Hands, and told him, Youngman I made you an offer of it, but your Friend here has drunk it all out.  
Is it so, quoth Quartilla, smiling very agreeably, and has Encolpius gugged it all down? At last also even Gito laughed for Company, at what time the young Wench flung her Arms about his Neck, and meeting no resistance, half smothered him with Kisses.  
We would have cried out, but there was no one near to help us; and as I was offering to bid 'em keep the Peace, Psyche fell a nipping and pricking me with her Bodkin: On the other side● also, the young Wench half stifled Ascyltoes with a Dishclout she had rubbed in the Bowl.  
Lastly came leaping upon us a Burdash, in a rough Mantle stuck with Myrtle, girt about him; and one while almost ground our Hips to Powder with his bobbing at us, and other-while slobbered us with his nasty Kisses; till Quartilla, holding her Staff of Office in her Hand, discharged us of the Service; but not without having first taken an Oath of us, that so dreadful a Secret should go no further than ourselves. Then came in a company of Wrestlers, and rubbed us over with the Yelk of an Egg beaten to Oil: When being somewhat refreshed, we put on our Night Gowns, and were led into the next Room, that had three Beds in it, all well appointed, and the rest of the entertainment as splendidly set out. The word was given, and we sat down, when having whet our appetites with an excellent Antipast, we swilled our selves with the choicest of Wine; nor was it long e'er we fell a nodding. It is so, quoth Quartilla; can ye sleep when ye know it is the Vigil to Priapus? at what time Ascyltos snored so sound, that Psyche, not y●t forgetting the disapointment, he gave her, all besooted his Face, and scored down his Shoulders with a burnt Sticks end.  
Plagued with these mischiefs, I hardly got the least wink of Sleep, nor was the whole Family, whether within doors or without, in a much better condition; some lay up and down at our Feet, others had run their Heads against the Walls, and others lay dead asleep cross the Threshold: The Lamps also having drunk up their Oil, gave a thin and last blaze. At this instant got in a couple of pilfering Rogues to have stolen our Wine; but while they fell a scuffling among some Silver Vessels that stood upon the Table, they broke the Earthen Pot that held the Wine, and overthrew the Table, with the Plate on it, and at the same time also, a Cup falling off the Shelf on Psyche's Bed, broke her Head as she lay fast asleep; on which she cried out, and therewith discovered the Thiefs, and waked some of the Drunkards: The Thiefs on the other hand finding themselves in a Pound, threw themselves on one of the Beds, as some of the Guests, and fell a snoring like the rest. The Usher of the Hall being by this time got awake, put more Oil in the dying Lamps; and the Boys, having rubbed their Eyes, returned to their charge, when in came a Woman that played on the Harp, and rattling its Strings, roused all the rest: On which the Banquet was renewed, and Quartilla gave the Word, to go on where we left (that is, Drinking:) The She Harper also added not a little to our Midnight Revel.  
At last bolted in a shameless Rascal, one of no Grace either in Words or Gesture, and truly worthy of the House where he was; he also set up his noise, till apishly composing himself, as if he intended somewhat to the Company, he mouthed out these Verses;  
O Yes! Now Tumblers with your wanton Tricks,  
Make haste, move your Legs quick, make the Ground drum;  
With wanton Arms, soft Thighs, and active Hips,  
The Old, the Tender, and the sweetly Young.  
Having done with his Poetry, he smeared my Lips with a nasty Kiss; then getting on our Bed, tugged stoutly to have turned up our Night-Gowns: Long and hard he kept goring at me, but all to no purpose. Great drops of Paint hung like Gum on his Forehead, and came trickling down the wrinkles of his Cheeks like Rain on a naked Wall. Nor could I forbear Tears any longer, but being brought to the last extremity, I beseech you Madam, quoth I, sure you have commanded to have us stifled with Kisses.  
When gently clapping her Hands together, O Man of Wit, said she, and very original of pleasant Raillery! what, don't you know a Pathic is ever a drivelling Kisser? And therefore that my Companion might not scape better than myself, By your Integrity, Madam, quoth I, does Ascyltoes alone keep Holiday among us.  
Is it so, said she, even let him have his share too: And therewith the Rascal changed his Horse, and turning off to Ascyltos, almost brayed him to pieces with kissing and bobbing him. Gito stood laughing all the while, till he had well-nigh split himself; which Quartilla perceiving, diligently enquired whose Boy he was, and I telling her he was my Comrade, why then, said she, has he not kissed me? and so calling him to her, fell at it roundly; and making a flourish with his Quarter-Pike, this, quoth she, may do well enough for a Fore-Skirmish, and get me an appetite to morrow; but having made so full a Meal already, it is not my way to put a Churl upon a Gentleman. With that Psyche came tittering to her, and having whispered I know not what in her Ear, Thou art in the right, quoth Quartilla, 'twas well thought on; and since we have so fine an opportunity, why should not our Pannychis lose her Maidenhead? And forthwith was brought in a pretty young Girl, that seemed not to be above Seven Years of Age, and was the same that first came into our Room with Quartilla: All approved it with a general Clap, and next desiring it, a Wedding was struck up between the Boy and her. For my part I stood amazed, and assured them, That neither Gito, a bashful Lad, was able for the drudgery, nor the Girl of years to receive it. Is that all, quoth Quartilla? Is she less than I was when I first entered on't? A Pox on my Nanny if I remember I ever was a Maid; for when I was yet a little one, I went to CreepMouse with little Boys; and as I grew in Years, I put forwards to bigger, till I came to the age you see; and truly I think hence came the Proverb: 
She'll bare him a Bull that bore him a Calf.   
Lest therefore my Comrade might run a greater hazard, I got up to the Wedding.  
And now Psyche put a flame-colour Veil on the Girl's Head; the Pathic led before with a Flambo●, and a long Train of drunken Women, fell a shouting, and dressed up the Bride-Chamber; Quartilla all a-gog as the rest, took hold of Gito, and dragged him in with her: But truly the Boy made no resistance; nor seemed the Girl frighted at the name of Matrimony. When therefore they were locked up, we sat without, before the Threshold of the Chamber; and Quartilla having waggishly slit a Chink through the Door, as wantonly laid an Ape's Eye to it; nor content with that, plucked me also to see that Child's play, and when we were not peeping, would turn her Lips to me, and steal a Kiss.  
The Jade's fulsomness had so tired me that I began to devise which way to get off. I told Ascyltos my mind, and he was well pleased with it, for he was as willing to get rid of his torment, Psyche: Nor was it hard to be done, if Gito had not been locked up in the Chamber; for we were resolved to take him with us, and not leave him to the mercy of a Bawdy-house. While we were contriving how to effect it, it so happened that Pannychis fell out of Bed, and drew Gito after her, without any hurt, though the Girl got a small Knock in the fall, and therewith made such a Cry, that Quartilla, all in a fright, ran headlong in, and gave us the opportunity of getting off, and taking the Boy with us; when without more ado, we flew to our Inn, and getting to Bed, past the rest of the Night without fear.  
But going out the next day, whom should we meet but two of those Fellows that robbed us of the Mantle, which Ascyltos perceiving, he briskly attacked one of them, and having disarmed and desparat●ly wounded him, came in to my relief; who was pressing hard upon the other, but he behaved himself so well, that he wounded us both, altho' but slightly, and got off himself without so much as a Scratch.  
And now came the third day, that is the expectation of an Entertainment at Trimalchio's, where every one might speak what he would: But having received some Wounds, we thought flight might be of more use to us than sitting still: We got to our Inn therefore, as fast as we could, and our Wounds not being great, cured them as we lay in Bed, with Wine and Oil.  
But the Rogue whom Ascyltos had hewn down, lay in the Street, and we were in fear of being discovered, while therefore we were pensively considering which way to avoid the impending Storm, a Servant of Agamemnon's interrupted our fears: And do not ye know, said he, with whom we eat to day? Trimalchio, a trim finical Humorist has a Clock in his Dining-Room, and one on purpose to let him know how many Minutes of his Life he had lost. We therefore dressed ourselves carefully, and Gito willingly taking upon him the part of a Servant, as he had hither to done, we bade him put our things together, and follow us to the Bath.  
Being in the mean time got ready, we walked we knew not where, or rather having a mind to divert us, struck into a Tennis-Court, where we saw an old Bald-pated Fellow in a Carnation-coloured Coat, playing at Ball with a company of Boys; nor was it so much the Boys, tho' it was worth our while, that engaged us to be lookers on as the Master of the House himself in Pumps, who altogether tossed the Ball, and never struck it after it once came to the Ground, but had a Servant by him with a Bag full of them, and enough for all that played.  
We observed also several new things; for in the Gallery stood two Eunuches, one of whom held a Silver Chamber-pot, the other counted the Balls, not those they kept tossing but such as fell to the Ground. While we admired the Humour, one Menelaus came up to us, and told us we were come where we must set up for the Night, and that we had seen the beginning of our Entertainment. As he was yet talking, Trimalchio snapped his Fingers, at which sign the Eunuch held the Chamber-pot to him as he was playing; then calling for Water, be dipped the tips of his Fingers in it, and dried them on the Boys Head. 'Twould be too long to recount every thing: We went into the Hothouse, and having sweated a little, into the Cold Bath; and while Trimalchio was anointed from Head to Foot with a liquid Perfume, and rubbed clean again, not with Linen but the finest Flannen, his Three Surgeons plied the Muscadine, but brawling over their Cups; Trimalchio said it was his turn to drink; then wrapped in a Scarlet Mantle, he was laid on a Litter born by Six Servants, with Four Lackeys in rich Liveries running before him, and by his side a Sedan, in which was carried his Darling, a stale bleer eyed Catamite, more Ill-favoured than his Master Tremalchio; who as they went on, kept close to his Ear with a flagelet, as if he had whispered him, and made him music all the way. Wondering, we followed, and, with Agamemnon, came to the Gate, on which hung a Tablet with this this Inscription:  
WHAT EVER SERVANT GOES FORTH WITHOUT HIS MASTER'S COMMAND, HE SHALL RECEIVE AN HUNDRED STRIPES.  
In the Porch stood the Porter in a Green Livery, girt about with a Cherry-coloured Girdle, garbling of Pease in a Silver Charger; and over head hung a Golden Cage with a Magpie in it, which gave us an All Hail as we entered: But while I was gaping at these things, I had like to have broken my Neck backward, for on the left hand, not far from the Porter's Lodge, there was a great Dog in a Chain painted on the Wall, and over him written in Capital Letters, BEWARE THE DOG. My Companions could not forbear laughing; but I recollecting my Spirits, pursued my design of going to the end of the Wall; it was the draught of a Marketplace where Slaves were bought and sold with Bills over them: There was also Trimalchio with a white Staff in his Hand, and Min●rva with a Train after her entering Rome: Then having learned how to cast Account, he was made Auditor; all tightly painted with their proper Titles; and at the end of the Gallery Mercury lifting him by the Chin, and placing him on a Judgment-seat. Fortune stood by him with a Cornucopia, and the Three fatal Sisters winding a Golden Thread.  
I observed also in the same place a Troop of Light-horsemen, with their Commander Exercising them; as also a large Armoury, in one of the Angles of which stood a Shrine with the Gods of the House in Silver, a Marble Statue of Venus, and a large Golden Box, in which it was said he kept the first Shave of his Beard. Then ask the Servant that had the charge of these things, What Pictures those were in the middle? The Iliads and the Odysseys, said he, and on the left hand two spectacles of Sword-playing. We could not bestow much time on i●, for by this time we were come to the Dining-room, in the entry of which sat his Steward, taking every one's Account: But what I most admired, were those bundles of Rods, with their Axes, that were fastened to the sides of the Door, and stood, as it were, on the Brazen Prow of a Ship, on which was written,  
TO CAIUS POMPEIUS TRIMALCHIO OF PRAETORIAN DIGNITY; CINNAMUS THE STEWARD.  
Under the same Title also, hung a Lamp of two Lights from the Roof of the Room, and two Tablets on either side of the Door; of which one, if I well remember, had this Inscription,  
THE THIRD AND SECOND OF THE KALENDS OF JANUARY, OUR PATRON CAIUS EATS ABROAD.  
On the other was represented the Course of the Moon, and the seven Stars; and what Days were Lucky, what Unlucky, with an Embossed Studd to distinguish the one from the other.  
Full of this Sensuality we were now entering the Room, where one of his Boys, set there for that purpose, called aloud to us, ADVANCE ORDERLY. Nor is it to be doubted, but we were somewhat concerned for fear of breaking the Orders of the place. But while we were footing it accordingly, a Servant stripped off his Livery, fell at our Feet, and besought us to save him a Whipping; for he said his Fault was no great matter, but that some clothes of the Stewards had been stolen from him in the Bath, and all of them not worth Eighteen-pences.  
We returned therefore in good Order, and finding the Steward in the Countinghouse telling some Gold, besought him to remit the Servant's punishment: When putting on an haughty Face, It is not, said he, the loss of the thing troubles me, but the Negligence of a careless Ras●al. He has lost me the Garments I s●●● at Table in● and which a Cli●nt of ●ine presented me on my Birthday; no Man can deny them to be right Purple, tho' not double Dye; yet whatever it be, I grant your Request.  
Having received so great a Favour, as we were entering the Dining-room, the Servant for whom we had been Suitors, met us, and kissing us, who stood wondering what the Humour meant, over and over gave us thanks for our Civility; and in short, told us we should know by and by, whom it was we had obliged: The Wine which our Master keeps for his own drinking, is the Waiters kindness.  
At length we sat down, when a bigger and sprucer sort of Boys coming about us, some of them poured Snow-water on our Heads, and others pared the Nails of our Feet, with a mighty dexterity, and that not silently, but Singing as it were by the buy: I resolved to try if the whole Family Sang; and therefore called for Drink, which one of the Boys as readily brought me with an odd kind of Tune; and the same did every one as you asked for any thing: You'd have taken it for a Morris dancers Hall, not the Table of a Person of Quality.  
Then came in a sumptuous Antepast; for we were all seated, but only Trimalchio, for whom, after a new fashion, the chief Place was reserved. Besides that, as a part of the Entertainment, there was s●t by us a large Vessel of Metheglin, with a Pannier, in the one part of which were whit● Olives, in the other black; two broad Platters covered the Vessel, on the brims of which were Engraven Trimalchio's Name, and the weight of the Silver, with little Bridges soldered together, and on them Dormice, strewed over with Honey and Poppy: There were also piping-hot Sausages on a Silver Gridiron, and under that large Damsons, with the Kernels of Pomegranates.  
In this Condition were we when Trimalchio himself was waddled into the Consort; and being close bolstered with Neckcloaths and Pillows to keep off the Air, we could not forbear laughing unawares: For his bald Pate peeped out of a Scarlet Mantle, and over the load of clothes he lay under, there hung an Embroidered Towel, with Purple Tassels and Fringes dingle dangle about it: He had also on the little Finger of his left Hand, a large Gilt Ring, and on the outmost Joint of the Finger next it, one lesser, which I took for all Gold; but at last it appeared to be Jointed together with a kind of Stars of Steel: And that we might see these were not all his Bravery, he stripped his right Arm, on which he wore a Golden Bracelet, and an Ivory Circle, bound together with a glittering Locket, and a Meddal at the end of it: Then picking his Teeth with a Silver Pin, I had not, my Friends, said he, any inclination to have come among you so soon, but fearing my absence might make you wait too long, I denied myself my own satisfaction; however suffer me to make an end of my Game: There followed him a Boy with an Inlaid Table and Crystal Dice; and I took notice of one thing more pleasant than the rest; for instead of black and white Counters, his were all Silver and Gold pieces of Money.  
In the mean time while he was squandring his Heap at Play, and we were yet picking a Relish here and there, a Cupboard was brought in with a Basket, in which was a Hen Carved in Wood, her Wings lying round and hollow, as sitting on Brood; when presently the Consort struck up, and two Servants fell a searching the Straw under her, and taking out some Peahens' Eggs, distributed them among the Company: At this Trimalchio changing Countenance, I commanded my Friends, said he, the Hen to be set with Peahens' Eggs; and so help me Hercules, am afraid they may be half Hatched: however we'll try if they are yet Suppable.  
The thing we received was a kind of Shell of at least Six Pound weight, made of Paste, and moulded into the Figure of an Egg, which we easily broke; and for my part, I was like to have thrown away my share; for it seemed to me to have a Chick in it; till hearing an old Guest of the Tables saying, It was some good Bit or other, I searched further into it, and found a delicate fat Wheatear in the middle of a well-peppered Yolk: On this Trimalchio stopped his Play for a while, and requiring the like for himself, proclaimed, If any of us would have any more Metheglin, he was at liberty to take it; when of a sudden the Music gave the Sign, and the first Course was scrabled away by a Company of Singers and Dancers; but in the Rustle it happening that a Dish fell on the Floor, a Boy took it up, and Trimalchio taking notice of it, plucked him by the Ears, and commanded him to throw it down again; on which the Groom of the Chamber came with a Broom and swept away the Silver Dish, with whatever else had fallen from the Table.  
When presently came in two long-haired Blacks, with small Leather Bottles, such as with which they strew Sand on the Stage, and gave us Wine to wash our Hands, but no one offered us Water. We all admiring the Finicalness of the Entertainment, Mars, said he, is a lover of Justice, and therefore let every one have a Table to himself, for having more Elbow-room, these nasty stinking Boys will be less troublesome to us; and thereupon large double-eared Vessels of Glass close Plastered over, were brought up with Labels about their Necks, upon which was this Inscription:  
OPIMIAN MUSCADINE OF AN HUNDRED YEARS OLD.  
While we were reading the Titles, Trimalchio clapped his Hands, and Alas, alas, said he, that Wine should live longer than Man! Wine is Life, and we'll try if it has held good ever since the Consulship of Lucius Opimius, or not: 'Tis right Opimian, and therefore make ready; I brought not out so good Yesterday, yet there were Persons of better Quality Supped with me.  
We drank and admired every thing, when in came a Servant with a Silver Puppet, so Jointed and put together, that it turned every way; and being more than once thrown upon the Table, cast itself into several Figures; on which Trimalchio came out with his Poetry:  
Unhappy Mortals, on how fine a Thread  
Our Lives depend! How like this Puppet Man,  
Shall we, alas! b● all when we are dead!  
Therefore let's live Merrily while we can.  
The Applause we gave him, was followed with a Service, but respecting the place not so considerable as might have been expected: However, the Novelty of the thing drew every Man's Eye, upon it; it was a large Charger, with the twelve Signs round it; upon every one of which the Master Cook had laid somewhat or other suitable to the Sign: Upon Aries, Chick-Pease, (a Pulse not unlike a Ramshead) upon Taurus a piece of Beef; upon Gemini a pair of Pendulums and Kidneys: upon Cancer a Coronet; upon Leo an African Fig; upon Virgo a well-grown Boy; upon Libra a pair of Scales, in one of which was a Tart, in the other a Custard: upon Scorpio a Pilchard; upon Sagittary a Greyhound; upon Capricorn a Lobster; upon Aquarius a Goose; upon Pisces two Mullets, and in the middle a Plate of Herbs, cut out like a green Turf, and over them an Honeycomb. During this, a lesser Black carried about Bread in a Silver Oven, and with a hideous Voice, forced a Bawdy Song from a Buffoon that stunk like Assa Faetida.  
When Trimalchio perceived we looked somewhat awkardly on such course Fare, Come, come, said he, fall to and Eat, this is the Custom of the place.  
Nor had he sooner said it, than the fourth Consort struck up; at which the Waiters fell a Dancing, and took off the upper part of the Charger, under which was a Dish of crammed Fowl, and the hinder Paps of a Sow that had Farrowed but a day before, well Powdered, and in the middle a Hare, stuck in with Finns of Fish in his side, that he looked like a Flying Horse; and on the sides of the Fish four little Images, that spouted a relishing Sauce on some Fish that lay near them, all of them brought from the River Euripus.  
We also seconded the Shout begun by the Family, and fell merrily aboard this; and Trimalchio no less pleased than ourselves, cried Cut; at which the Music sounding again, the Carver humoured it, and cut up the Meat with such Antic Postures, you'd have thought him a Car-man fight to an Organ.  
Nevertheless Trimalchio in a lower Note, cried out again Cut: I hearing the word so often repeated, suspecting there might be some Joke in it, was not ashamed to ask him that sat next above me, what it meant? And he that had been often present at the like, You see, said he, him that Carves about, his Name is Cutter; and as often as he says Cut, he both Calls and Commands.  
The Humour spoiled my Stomach for eating; but turning to him that I might learn more, I made some pleasant Discourse to him at a distance; and at last asked him what that Woman was that so often sculted up and down the Room.  
It is, said he, Trimalchio's Wife, her Name Fortunata, she measures Money by the Bushel; but what was she not long since? Pardon me Sir, you would not have touched her with a pair of Tongues, but now, no one knows how or wherefore, she's got into Heaven; and is Trimalchio's all in all: In short, if she says it is Midnight at Midday, he'll believe her. He's so very Wealthy, he knows not what he has; but she has an Eye every where; and when you least think to meet her, you'll have her: She's void of all Good Counsel, and withal of an ill Tongue; a very Pie at his Bolster; whom she Loves she Loves; and whom she does not Love, she does not Love.  
Then for Trimalchio, he has more Lands than a Crow can ●ly over; moneys upon Monies: There lies more Silver in his Porter's Lodge, than any one Man's whole Estate. And for his Family, Heyday, heyday, there is not (so help me Hercules) one tenth of them that know their Master. In brief, there is not one of those Fools about him, but he can turn him into a Cabbage-stalk: Nor is there any occasion to Buy any thing, he has all at his own Door; Wool, Marte● P●pper, nay Hen's Milk; do but beat about and you'll find it. In a word, time was, his Wool was none of the best, and therefore he bought Rams at Tarentum to mend this Breed; as in like manner he did by his Honey, by bringing his Bees from Athens. It is not long since but he sent to the Indies for Mushroom-Seed: Nor has he so mu●h as a Mule that did not come of a Wild Ass. S●e you all these Quilts? there is not one of them whose Wadding is not the finest Combed Wool of Violet or Scarlet Colour, Died in Grain. O happy Man! but have a care how you put a slight on those Freed Men, they are Rich Rogues: See you him that sits at the lower-end of the Table, he has now the Lord knows what; and 'tis not long since he was not worth a Groat, and carried Billets and Faggots at his Back: It is said, but I know nothing of it myself, but as I have heard, either he got in with an old Hog-grubbler, or had to do with an Incubus, and found a Treasure: For my part, I envy no Man, (if God gives any thing it is a Bit and a Blow, and wills no Evil to himself) he lately set up this Proclamation:  
C. POMPEIUS DIOGENES HAS SOME LODGINGS TO LET, FOR HE HATH BOUGHT A HOUSE.  
But what think you of him who sits in the place of a late Slave? how well was he once? I do not upbraid him: He was once worth a Hundred Thousand Sesterstias, but has not now a Hair of his Head that is not Engaged; nor, so help me Hercules, is it his own fault: There is not a better humoured Man than himself; but those Rascally Freedmen have cheated him of all: For know, when the Pot boils, and a Man's Estate declines, farewel Friends. And what Trade do you think he drove? He had the setting forth of Grave Men's Funerals; and with that Eat like a Prince: He had his Wild Boars served up covered; Pastry●Meats, Fowl-Cooks, Bakers: More Wine was thrown under his Table, than most Men have in their Cellars; a mere Phantasm: And when his Estate was going, and he feared his Creditors might fall upon him, he made an Auction under this Title:  
JULIUS PROCULUS WILL MAKE AN AUCTION OF SEVERAL GOODS HE HAS NO USE OF.  
The Dish was by this time taken away, and the Guests grown merry with Wine, began to talk of what was done abroad, when Trimalchio broke the Discourse; and leaning on his Elbow, this Wine, said he, is worth drinking, and Fish must swim; but do you think I am satisfied with that part of your Supper you saw in the Charger? Is Ulysses no better known? what then; we ought to exercise our Brains as well as our Chaps; and show, that we are not only lovers of Learning, but understand it: Peace rest my old Tutor's Bones who made me a Man amongst Men: No Man can tell me any thing that is New to me; for, like him, I am Master of the Practics.  
This Heaven that's inhabited by twelve Gods, turns itself into as many Figures; and now 'tis Aries: He that's born under that Sign has much Cattle, much Wool, and to that a Jolt-head, a Brazen-face, and will be certainly a Cuckold: There are many Scholars, Advocates, and Horned Beasts, come into the World under this Sign. We praised our Nativity-caster's pleasantness, and he went on then again: The whole Heaven is Taurus, and wonder it e'er bore Football-Players, Herdsmen, and such as can shift for themselves. Under Gemini are foaled Coach-Horses, Oxen calved, great Baubles, and such as can claw both sides, are born. I was born myself under Cancer, and therefore stand on many Feet, as having large Possessions both by Sea and Land. For Cancer, suits one as well as the other, and therefore I put nothing upon him, that I might not press my own Geniture. Under Leo, Spendthrifts and Bullies: under Virgo, Wom●n, Runagates, and such as wear Iron Garters: under Libra, Butchers, Slip-slop-makers, and Men of Business: under Scorpio, Empoisoners and Cutthroats: under Sagittary, such as are Goggle-eyed, Herbwomen, and Bacon-stealers: under Capricorn, poor helpless Rascals, to whom yet Nature intended Horns to defend themselves: under Aquarius, Cooks and Paunch-bellies: under Pis●es, Caterers and Orators: And so the World goes round like a Mill, and is never without its Mischief; that Men be either born or perish. But for that tu●t of Herbs in the middle, and the Honeycomb upon it, I do nothing without just reason for it: Our Mother the Earth is in the middle, made round like an Egg, and has all good things in herself, like a Honeycomb.  
Most Learnedly, we all cried; and lifting our hands, swore, neither Hipparchus nor Aratus were to be compared to him; till at last other Servants came in and spread Coverlets on the Beds, on which were Painted Nets, Men in Ambush with Hunting-Poles, and whatever appertained to Hunting: Nor could we yet tell what to make of it; when we heard a great cry without, and a pack of Beagles came and ran round the Table, and after them a large Trey, on which was a Boar of the first Magnitude, with a Cap on his Head, (such as Slaves at their making Free, had set on theirs in token of Liberties) on his Tusks hung two Wicker Baskets, the one full of Dates, the other of Almonds; and about him lay little Pigs of Marchpane, as if they were sucking: They signified a Sow had Farrowed, and hang there as Presents for the Guests to carry away with them.  
To the cutting up this Boar, here came not he that had carried about the Fowl as before, but a swinging Fellow with a two-handed Beard, Buskins on his Legs, and a short Embroidered Coat; who drawing his Woodknife, made a large hole in the Boar's Side, out of which flew a company of Blackbirds: Th●n Fowlers stood ready with their Engines and caught them in a trice as they ●luttered about the Room: On which, Trimalchio ordering to every Man his Bird, See, said he, what kind of Acorns this Wild Boar ●ed on: When presently the Boys took off the Baskets and distributed the Dates and Almonds among the Cuests.  
In the mean time, I, who had private thoughts of my own, was much concerned, to know why the B●ar was brought in with a Cap upon his Head; and therefore having run out my Tittle-tattle, I told my Interpreter what troubled me: To which he answered, Your Boy can even tell ye what it means, for there's no Riddle in it, but all as clear as Day. This Boar stood the last of Yesternights Supper, and dismissed by the Guests, returns now as a Freeman among us. I cursed my dulness, and asked him no more Questions, that I might not be thought to have never eaten before with Men of Sense.  
While we were yet talking, in came a handsome Boy with a Wreath of Vine Leaves and Ivy about his Head; declaring himself one while Bromius, another while Ly●●us, and another Euhyus, (several Names of Bacchus) he carried about a Server of Grapes, and wi●h a clear Voice, repeated some of his Master's Poetry, at which Trimalchio turning to him, Dionysius, said he, be thou Liber, (i. e.) Free, (two other Names of Bacchus) whereupon the Boy took the Cap from off the Boar's Head, and putting it on his own, Trimalchio added, you will not deny me but I have a Father, Liber. We all praised the conceit, and ●oundly kissed the Boy as he went round us.  
From this up rose Trimalchio, and went to the Close-Stool; we also being at liberty, without a Tyrant over us, fell to some Table-talk.  
When presently one calling for a Bumper, the Day, said he, is nothing, 'tis night e'er the Scene turn, and therefore nothing is better than to go straight from Bed to Board. We have had a great deal of Frost, the Bagnio has s●arce heated me; but a warm drinking is my Wardrobe-keeper: For my part, I have spun this days Thread; the Wine is got into my Noddle, and I am downright—  
Selucus w●nt on with the rest, and I, said he, do not ba●he every day, for he where I use to bathe is a Fuller: Cold Water has Teeth in it, and my Head grows every day more washy than other; but when I have got my Doses in my Guts, I bid de●iance to Cold: Nor could I well do it to day, for I was at a Funeral, a jolly Companion, and a good Man was he, Crysanthus has breathed his last: 'Tis not long since we were together, and methinks I talk with him now. Alas, alas! we are but blown Bladders, less than Flies, yet they have somewhat in them: But we are mere Bubbles. You'll say he would not be ruled; not a drop of Water, or Crumb of Bread went down his Throat in five Days: And yet he's gone, or that he died of the Doctor. But I am of opinion his time was come; for a Physician is a great Comfort. However, he was well carried out of his House upon a rich Bed, and mightily lamented, he made some of his Servants Free; but his Wi●e seemed not much concerned for him. You'll say again he was not kind to her; but Women are a kind of Kites; whatever good is done them, 'tis the same as if it were thrown in a Well; and old Love is as bad as a Goal.  
At this Philaos grew troublesome, and cried out, Let us remember the Living: He had what was due to him; as he lived so he died; and what has he now that any Man moans the want of? He came from nothing, and to his dying-day would have taken a Farthing from a Dunghill with his Teeth; therefore as he grew up, he grew like a Honeycomb. He died worth the Lord knows what, all ready Money. But to the Matter; I have eaten a Dog's Tongue and dare speak truth: He had a foul Mouth, was all Babble; a very makebate, not a Man. His Brother was a brave Fellow, a Friend to his Friends, of an open hand, and kept a full Table: He did not order his Affairs so w●ll at first as he might have done; but the first Vintage made him up again; for he sold what Wine he would; and what kept up his Chin was the expectation of a Reversion; the Credit of which brought him more than was left him; for his Brother taking a Pett at him, devised the Estate to I know not whose Bastard: He flies far that ●lies his Relations. Besides, this Brother of h●s had Whisperers about him, that were back-friends to the other: but he shall never do right that is quick of belief, especially in matter of business; and y●t ' ●i● tru●, he'll be counted wi●e while he lives, to whom the thing whatever it b● is given, not he that ought to have had it. He was without doubt, one of Fortune's Sons; Led in his hand would turn to Gold, and without trouble too, where there are not Rubs in the way. And how many Years think ye he lived? Seventy-odd: but he was as hard as Horn, bore his Age well, and as black as a Crow.  
I knew him some Years ago an Oil-man, and to his last a good Woman's Man; but withal such a Miser, that (so help me Hercules) I think he left not a Dog in his House. He was also a great Whoremaster, and a Jack of all Trades; nor do I condemn him for't, for this was the only secret he kept to himself and carried with him.  
Thus Phileros and Gammedes, as followeth: Ye talk of what concerns neither Heaven nor Earth, when in the mean time no Man regards what makes all Victuals so searce: I could not (so help me Hercules) get a mouthful of Bread to day: and how? The drought continues: For my part, I have not filled my Belly this Twelvemonth: A plague on these Clerks of the Market, the Baker and they juggle together; Take no notice of me, I'll take no notice of thee; which make the poorer sort labour for nothing, while those greater Jawbones make Festival every day. Oh that we had those Lions I now find here, when I came first out of Asia, that had been to live: The inner part of Sicily had the like of them, but they so handled the Goblins, even Jupiter bore them no goodwill. I remember Sas●nius, when I was a Boy, he lived by the Old Arch; you'd have taken him for Pepper-corn rather than a Man; wherever he went the Earth parched under him; yet he was honest at bottom; one might depend on him; a Friend to his Friend, and whom you might boldly trust in the dark. But how did he behave himself on the Bench? He tossed every one like a Ball; made no Starched Speeches, but downright, as he were, doing himself what he would persuade others: But in the Market his noise was like a Trumpet, without Sweeting or Spuming. I fancy he had somewhat, I know not what, of the Asian humour: then so ready to return a Salute, and call every one by his Name, as if he had been one of us. In his time Corn was as common as Loam; you might have bought more Bread for half a Farthing, than any two could eat; but now the Eye of an Ox will cost you twice as much: Ala●! alas! we are every day worse and worse, and grow like a Cow's Tail, downward: And why all this? We have a Clerk of the Market not worth three ●iggs, and values more the getting of a Doit himself, than any of our Lives: ' isis this makes him laugh in his sleeve; for he gets more Money in a day than many an honest Man's whole Estate: I know now how he got the Estate he has; but if we had any thing of Men about us, he would not hug himself as he does; but now the People are grown to this pass, that they are Lions at home, and Foxes abroad: For my part, I have eaten up my clothes already, and if Corn holds at the rate it does, I shall be for●'d to sell House and all: For what will become of us, if neither Gods nor Men pity us? Let me never enjoy my Friends more, than I believe all this comes from Heaven; for no one thinks there is any such thing; no one keeps a Fast, or value Jupiter a hair, but shuts his Eyes and reckons what he is worth. Time was, when Matrons went barefoot with dishevelled Hair, pure Minds, and prayed him to send Rain, and forthwith it reigned Pitcher-fulls, or then or never, and every one was pleased: Now the Gods are no better than Mice; as they tread, their Feet are wrapped in Wool; and because we are not Supestitious your Lands yield nothing.  
More Civilly, I beseech ye, said Echion the Hundred-Constable; it is one while this way, and another while that, said the Countryman when he lost his speckled Hogg: What is not to day may be to morrow; and thus is Life hurried about, so help me Hercules, a Country is said not to be the better that it has many People in it, tho' ours at present labours under that difficulty, but it is no fault of hers: We must not be so Nice, Heaven is equally distant every where; were you in another place you'd say ●oggs walked here ready dressed: And now I think on'●, we shall have an exc●ll●nt Show these holidays, a ●●n●ing-Prize exhibited to the People; not of Slaves bought for that purpose, but most of them Freemen. Our Patron T●●us has a large Soul, but a very Devil in his Drink, and cares not a straw which side gets the better: I think I should know him, for I belong to him; he's of a right breed both by Father and Mother, no Mongrel. They are well provided with Weapons, and will fight it out to the last: the Theatre will look like a Butcher's Shambles, and he has wherewithal to do it; his Father left him a vast Sum, and let him make Ducks and Drakes with it never so much, the Estate will bear it, and he always carries the reputation of it. He has his Wagon Horses, a Woman-Carter, and Glyco's Steward, who was taken a-bed with his Mistress; what a busle's here between Cuckolds and Cuckold-makers! But this Glyco a Money-Broker, condemned his Steward to ●ight with Beasts; and what was that but to expose himself for another? where lay the Servant's Crime, who perhaps was obliged to do what he did: She rather deserved to be brained, than the Bull that tossed her; but he that cannot come at the Arse, Thrashes at the Packsaddle: yet how could Glyco expect Hermogine's Daughter should make a good End? she'd have pared the Claws of a flying Kite; A Snake does not bring forth a Halter: Glyco might do what he would with his own; but it will be a Brand on him as long as he lives; nor can any thing but Hell blot it out; however, every Man's faults are his own. I perceive now what Entertainment Mammea is like to give us; he'll be at Twopences Charges for me and my Company; which if he does, he will pull Narbanus clean out of favour; for you must know, he'll live at the full height; yet in truth what good has he done us? He gave us a company of pitiful Sword-players, but so old and decrepit, that had you blown on them, they'd have fallen of themselves: I have seen many a better at a Funeral Pile; he would not be at the Charge of Lamps for them; you'd have taken them for Dunghill Cocks fight in the dark; one was a downright Fool, and withal Gouty; another Crump-footed, and a third half dead, and Hamstrung: There was one of them a Thracian, that made a Figure, and kept up to the Rule of Fight; but upon the whole matter, all of them were parted, and nothing came of this great blockheaded Rabble, but a downright running away: And yet, said he, I made ye a Show, and I clap my hands for Company; but cast up the Account, I gave more than I received; one Hand rubs another. You Agamemnon seem to tell me what would that troublesome Fellow be at; because you that can speak, and do not, you are not of our Form, and therefore ridicule what poor Men say; tho', saving the repute of a Scholar, we know you are but a mere Fool. Where lies the matter then? let me persuade you to take a walk in the Country, and see our Cottage, you'll find somewhat to eat; a Chicken, some Eggs, or the like: The Tempest●ous Season had like to have broke us all, yet we'll get enough to fill the Belly. Your Scholar, my Boy Cicero, is mightily improved, and if he lives, you●●l have a Servant of him; he is pretty forward already, and whatever spare time he has, never off a Bock: H●'s a witty Lad● well-featured, takes a thing without much study, tho' y●t he be sickly: I killed three of his Linnets the other day, and told him the Weasels had ●aten them; yet he found other things to play with, and has a pretty knack at Painting: He has a perfect a version to Greek, but seems better inclined to Latin; tho' the Master he h●● now humours him in the other; nor can he be kept to one thing, but is s●ill craving more, and will not take ●●ins with any. There is also another of this sort, not much troubled with Learning, but very diligent, and teaches more than he● knows himself: He comes to our House on Holidays, and whatever you give him he's contented; I therefore bought the Boy some Ruled Books, because I will have him get a smattering in Accounts and the Law; it will be his own another day: He has Learning enough already, but if he takes back to it again, I design him for a Trade, a Barber, a Parson, or a Lawyer, which nothing but the Devil can take from him: How oft have I told him, Thou art (Sirrah) my ●irst begotten, and believe thy Father, whatever thou learnest 'tis all thy own: See there Philero the Lawyer, if he had not been a Scholar he might have starved; but now see what Trinkums' he has about his N●●k, and dares Nos● Narbanus. Letters are a Treasure, and a Trade never dies.  
Thus, or the like, we were bandying it about, when T●imalchio returned, and having wiped th● Slops from his Face, washed his Hand●, and in a very little time, Pardon me, my ●riend●, said he, I have been costive for several days, and my Physicians were to s●●k about it, when a Suppository of Pomegranate Wine, with the Liquor of a Pinetree and Vinegar relieved me; and now I hope my Belly may be ashamed if it keep no better Order; for otherwise I have su●h a rumbling in my Guts, you'd think an Ox bellowed; and therefore if any of you has a mind, he need not blush for the matter; ther●'s not one of us born without some defect or other, and I think no torment greater than wanting the benefit of going to stool, which is the only thing even Jupiter himself cannot prevent: And do you laugh, Fortunata, you that break me so o●ten of my sleep by Nights; I never denied any Man to do that in my Room might pleasure himself, and Physicians will not allow us to keep any thing in our Bodies longer than we needs must; or if ye have any farther occasion, every thing is ready in the next Room: Water, chamberpots, Close-stools, or whatever else ye may need; believe me, this being hard-bound, if it get into the Head, disturbs the whole Body; I have known many a Man lost by it, when they have been so modest to themselves as not to tell what they ailed.  
We thanked him for his freeness, and the Liberty he gave us, when yet to suppress our Laughter, we set the Glasses about again; nor did we yet know that in the midst of such dainties we were, as they say, to clamber another Hill; for the Cloth being again taken away, upon the next Music were brought in Three fat Hogs with Collars and Bells about their Necks; and he that had the charge of them told us, the one was Two Years old, the other Three, and the third full grown. I took it at first to have been a Company of Tumblers, and that the Hogs, as the manner is, were to have shown us some Tricks in a Ring, till Trimalchio breaking my expectation, Which of them, said he, will ye have for Supper? for Cocks, Pheasants, and the like Tri●les are but Country fare, but my Cooks have Coppers will boil a Calf whole; and therewith commanding a Cook to be called for, he prevented our Choice by ordering him to kill the largest, and with a loud Voice, asked him, Of what rank of Servants in that House he was? to which he answering, Of the forti●th: Were you bought, said the other, or born in my House? Neither, said the Cook, but left you by Pausa's Testament. See then, said Trimalchio, that you dress it as it should be, or I'll send you to the Galleys. On which the Cook, advertised of his power, went into the Kitchen to mind his charge.  
But Trimalchio turning to us with a pleasanter look, asked us if the Wine pleased us, if not, said he, I'll have it changed, and if it does, let me see it by your drinking: I thank the Gods I do not buy it, but have every thing that may get an Appetite growing on my own Grounds without the City, which no Man that I know but myself has; and yet it has been taken for Tarracino and Taranto. I have a Project to join Sicily to my Lands on the Continent, that when I have a mind to go into Africa, I may sail by my own Coasts. But prithee Agamemnon tell me what moot-point was it you argued to day; for tho' I plead no Causes myself, yet I have had a Share of Letters in my time; and that you may not think me sick of them now, have three Libraries, the one Greek, the other two Latin; therefore as you love me tell me what was the State of the Question: The Poor and the Rich are Enemies, said Agamemnon: And what is Poor, answered Trimalchio? Spoke like a Gentleman, replied Agamemnon. But making nothing of the matter, If it be so, said Trimalchio, where lies the Dispute? and if it be not so, 'tis nothing.  
While we all hummed this and the like stuff, I beseech ye, said he, my dear Agamemnon, do you remember the Twelve Labours of Hercules, or the Story of Ulysses, how a Cyclops put his Thumb out of Joint with a Malkin? I read such things in Homer when I was a Boy; nay, saw myself the Sibyl of Cuma hanging in a Glass Bottle: And when the Boys asked her, Sibyl, what wouldst thou? She answered, I would Die.  
He had not yet run to the end of the Rope, when an overgrown Hog was brought to the Table. We all wondered at the quickness of the thing, and swore a Capon could not be dressed in the time; and that the more, because this Hog seemed larger than was the Boar we had a little before: When Trimalchio looking more intent upon him, What, what, said he, are not his Guts taken out? No, (so help me Hercules) they are not! Bring hither, bring hither this Rogue of a Cook. And when he stood hanging his Head before us, and said, he was so much in haste he forgot it. How, forgot it, cried out Trimalchio! Do ye think he has given it no Seasoning of Pepper and Cummin? Strip him: When in a trice 'twas done, and himself set between two Tormentors: However, we all interceded for him, as a fault that might now and then happen, and therefore begged his pardon; but if he ever did the like, there was no one would speak for him; tho' for my part, I think he deserved what he got: And so turning to Agamemnon's Ear, This Fellow, sai● I, must be a naughty Knave; could any one forget to Bowel a Hog? I would not (so help me Hercules) have forgiven him, if he had served me so with a single Fish. But Trimalchio it seems, had somewhat ●ls● in his Head; for falling a laughing, You, said he, that have so short a Memory, let's see if you can do it now. On which, the Cook having gotten his Coa● again, took up a Knife, and with a ●eigned trembling, ripped up the Hog's Belly long and thwart, when immediately its own weight tumbled out a heap of ●ogs-Puddings and Sausages.  
After this, as it had been done of itself, the Family gave a Shout, and cried out, Health and Prosperity to Caius! The Cook also was presented with Wine, a Silver Coronet, and a drinking Goblet, on a broad Corinthian Plate: which Agamemnon more narrowly viewing; I am, said Trimalchio, the only Person that has the true Corinthian Vessels.  
I expected, that according to the rest of his haughtiness, he would have told us they had been brought him from Corinth: But he better: And perhaps, said he, you'll ask me why I am the only Person that have them. And why, but the Coppersmith from whom I buy them, is called Corinthus? and what is Corinthian but what is made by Corinthus? But that ye may not take me for a Man of no Sense, I understand well enough whence the word first came. When Troy was taken, Hannibal, a cunning Fellow, but withal mischievous, made a Pile of all the Brazen, Gold and Silver Statues, and burned them together, and thence came this mixed Metal; which Workmen afterwards carried off; and of this Mass made Plasters, Dishes, and several other things; so that these Vessels are neither this nor that Metal, but made of all of them. Pardon me what I say; however others may be of another mind, I had rather have Glass Ware; and if it were not so subject to breaking, I'd reckon it before Gold; but now it is of no esteem.  
There was a Coppersmith that made Glass Vessels of that pliant hardness, that they were no more to be broken than Gold and Silver ones: It so happened, that having made a Drinking-pot, with a wide Mouth of that kind, but the finest Glass, ●it for no Man, as he thought, less than Caesar himself; he went with his Present to Caesar, and had admittance: The kind of the Gift was praised, the hand of the Workman commended, and the design of the Giver accepted. He again, that he might turn the admiration of the beholders into astonishment, and work himself the more into the Emperor's favour, prayed the Glass out of the Emperor's hand; and having received it, threw it with such a force against the Paved Floor, that the most solid and firmest Metal could not but have received some hurt thereby. Caesar also was no less amazed at it, than concerned for it; but the other took up the Pot from the Ground, not broken but bulged a little; as i● the substance of Metal had put on the likeness of a Glass; and therewith taking a Hammer out of his Pocket, he hammered it as it had been a Brass Kettle, and beat out the Bruise: And now the Fellow thought himself in Heaven, in having, as he fancied, gotten the acquaintance of Cae●ar, and the admiration of all: But it fell out quite contrary: Caesar ask him if any one knew how to make this Malleable Glass but himself? And he answering, there was not; the Emperor commanded his Head to be struck off: For, said he, if this Art were once known, Gold and Silver will be of no more esteem than Dirt.  
And for Silver, I more than ordinarily affect it: I have several Water-pots more or less, whereon is the Story how Cassandra killed her Sons, and the dead Boys are so well Embossed, you'd think them real. I have also a drinking Cup left me by an Advocate of mine, where Daedalus puts Niobe into the Trojan Horse, as also that other of Hermerotes; that they may stand as a Testimony, there's truth in Cups, and all this Ma●●y; nor will I part with what I understand of them at any rate.  
While he was thus talking, a Cup dropped out of a Boy's hand; on which, Trimalchio looking over his Shoulder at him, bad him begun, and kill h●mself immediately; for, said he, thou art careless and mindest not what thou art about. The Boy hung his Lip, and besought him; but he said, What! dost thou beseech me, as if I required some difficult matter of thee? I only bid thee obtain this of thyself, that thou be not careless again: But at last he discharged him upon our entreaty. On this the Boy run round the Table and cried, Water without doors, and Wine within. We all took the Jest, but more especially Agamemnon, who knew on what account himself had been brought thither.  
Trimalchio in the mean time hearing himself commended, drank on the merrier; and being within an Ace of quite out, Will none of you, said he, invite my Fortunata to Dance? Believe me, there's no one leads a Country Dance better: And with that, tossing his Hands round his Head, fell to act a Jack-Pudding; the Family all the while Singing, Youth itself, most exactly Youth itself; and he had gotten into the middle of the Room, but that Fortunata whispered him, and I believe told him, such Gambols did not become his Gravity: Nor was there any thing more uneven to itself; for one while he turned to his Fortunata, and another while to his natural inclination: But what disturbed the pleasure of her Dancing, was his Notaries coming in; who, as they had been the Acts of a Common-Council, read aloud.  
VII. of the Calends of August born in Trimalchio's manner of Cumanum, Thirty Boys and Forty Girls, brought from the Threshing-floor into the Granay, Five hundred thousand Bushels of Wheat. The same day broke out a Fire in a Pleasure-Garden that was Pompey's, first began in one of his Bailiffs Houses.  
How's this, said Trimalchio! when were those Gardens bought for me? The Year before, answered his Notary, and therefore not yet brought to Account.  
At this Trimalchio fell into a Fume; And whatever Lands, said he, shall be ●ought me hereafter, if I h●ar nothing of it in six Months, let them never, I charge ye, be brought to any Account of mine. Then also were read the Orders of the Clerks of the Markets, and the Testaments of his woodward's, Rangers, and Park-keepers, by which they disinherited their Relations, and with ample praise of him, declare Trimalchio their Heir. Next that, the Names of his Bailiffs; and how one of them that made his Circuits in the Country, turned off his Wife for having taken her in Bed with a Barber; the Doorkeeper of his Baths turned out of his Place; the Auditor found short in his Accounts, and the Dispute between the Grooms of his Chamber ended.  
At last came in the Dancers on the Rope; and a gorbellyed Blockhead standing out with a Ladder, commanded his Boy to hopp every Round singing, and dance a Jig on the top of it, and then tumble through burning Hoops of Iron, with a Glass in his Mouth. Trimalchio was the only Person that admired it, but withal said, he did not like it; but there were two things he could willingly behold, and they were the Flyers on the high Rope, and Quails; and that all other Creatures and Shows were mere Gewgaws: For, said he● I bought once a Sett of Stroulers, and chose rather to make them Merry●Andrews than Comedians; and commanded my Bagpiper to Sing in Latin to them.  
While he was Chattering all at this rate, a Boy chanced to stumble upon him, on which th● Family gave a Shriek, the same also did the Guests; not for such a Beast of a Man, whose Neck they could willingly have seen broken, but for fear the Supper should break up ill, and they be forced to wail the death of the Boy.  
Whatever it were, Trimalchio gave a deep Groan; and leaning upon his Arm as if it had been hurt, the Physicians ran thick about him, and with the first, Fortunata, her Hair about her Ears, a Bottle of Wine in her Hand, still howling, miserable unfortunate Woman that she was! Undone, undone.  
The Boy on the other hand, ran under our Feet, and beseeched us to procure him a Discharge: But I was much concerned, lest our Interposition might make an ill end of the matter; for the Cook that had forgotten to Bowel the Hog was still in my thoughts. I began therefore to look about the Room, for fear somewhat or other might drop through the Ceiling; while the Servant that had bound up his Arm in white, not Scarlet-colour Flannen, was sound beaten: Nor was I much out, for instead of another Course, came in an order of Trimalchio's, by which he gave the Boy his Freedom; that it might not be said● so Honourable a Person had been hurt by his Slave. We all commended the Action, but chatted among ourselves with what little Consideration the things of this World were done. You're in the right, said Trimalchio; nor ought this Accident to pass without Booking; and so calling for the Journal, commanded it to be Entered; and with, as little thought, tumbled out these Verses:  
What's least expected falls into our Dish,  
And Fortune's more indulgent than our Wish:  
Therefore, Boy, fill the generous Wine about.  
This Epigram gave occasion to talk of the Poets, and Marsus the Trachian carried the Bays a long while: till Trimalchio (turning to some Wit amongst them) I beseech ye, Master of mine, said he, tell me what difference take ye between Cicero the Orator, and Publius the Poet? for my part I think one was more Eloquent, the other the honester Man; for what could be said better than this?  
Now sinking Rome grows weak with Luxury,  
To please her appetite crammed Peacocks die:  
Their gaudy Plumes a modish Dress supply.  
For her the Guinnea Hen and Capon's dressed:  
The Stork itself for Rome's luxurious Taste,  
Must in a Cauldron build its humbled Nest.  
That foreign, friendly, pious, long-leged thing,  
Grateful, that with shrill●sounding notes does sing  
All Winter's gone; yet ushers in the Spring.  
Why in one Ring must three rich Pearls be worn,  
But that your Wives th' exhausted Seas adorn,  
Abroad t'increase their Lust, at home their Scorn?  
Why is the costly Emerald so desired,  
Or richer glittering Carbuncle admired,  
Because they sparkle, is't with that you're fired?  
Well, Honesty's a Jewel. Now none knows  
A modest Bride from a kept Whore by'er Cloaths●  
For Cobweb Lawns both Spouse & Wench expose.  
But, now we talk after the rate of the Learned, which, said he, are the most difficult Trades? I think a Physician and a Banker: A Physician, because he knows a Man's very heart, and when the Fits of an Ague will return; tho' by the way, I hate them mortally; for by their good will I should have nothing but Slubber-slops: And a Banker, because he'll find out a piece of Brass Money, tho' plated with Silver.  
There are also brute Beasts, Sheep and Oxen, laborious in their kind: Oxen, to whom we are beholding for the Bread we eat: and Sheep, for the Wool, that makes us so fine. But O horrid! we both eat the Mutton, and make us warm with the Fleece. I take the Bees for Divine Creatures; they give us Honey, tho● 'tis said they stole it from Jupiter, and that's the reason why they Sting: For wherever ye meet any thing that's sweet, you'll ever find a Sting at the end of it.  
He also excluded Philosophers from business, while the Memoirs of the Family were carrying round the Table, and a Boy, set for that purpose, read aloud the Names of the Presents, appointed for the Guests, to carry home with them. Wicked Silver, what can it not! Then a Gammon of Bacon was set on the Table, and above that several sharp Sauces, a Nightcap for himself, Pudding-Pies, and I know not what kind of Birds: There was also brought in a Roundlet of Wine, boiled off a third part, and kept under Ground to preserve its strength: There were also several other things I can give no account of; besides Apples, Scallions, Peaches, a Whip, a Knife, and what had been sent him; as Sparrows, a Flye-flap, Raisins, Attic Honey, Night-Gowns, Judges Robes, dried Paste, Table-Books, with a Pipe and a Footstool: After which came in an Hare and a Sole-Fish: And there was further sent him a Lamprey, a Water-Rat, with a Frog at his Tail, and a bundle of Beets.  
Long time we smiled at these, and five hundred the like, that have now slipped my Memory: But now when Ascyltos, who could not moderate himself, held up his hands and laughed at every thing; nay so downright, that he was ready to cry: A Freeman of Trimalchio's that sat next above me, grew hot upon't; And what, said he, thou Sheep, what dost thou laugh at? does not this Sumptuousness of my Master please you? you're richer (forsooth) and eat better every day; so may the Guardian of the place favour me, as had I sat near him, I'd hit him a Box on the Ear ere this: A hopeful Cullion, that mocks others; some pitiful Nightwalker, not worth the very Urine he makes; and should I throw mine on him, knows not where to dry himself. I am not (so help me Hercules) quickly angry, yet Worms are bred even in tender Flesh. He laughs! what has he to laugh at? what Wool did his Father give for the Bantling? Is he a Roman Knight? I am the Son of a King. How came I then, you'll say, to serve another? I did it of myself, and had rather be a Citizen of Rome, than a Tributary King, and now hope to live so, as to be no Man's Jest. I walk like other Men, with an open Face, and can show my Head among the best, for I owe no Man a Groat: I never had an Action brought against me, or said to me on the Exchange, Pay me what thou owest me. I bought some Acres in the Country, and have every thing suitable to it: I feed twenty mouths, besides Dogs: I ransomed my Bondwoman, lest another should wipe his Hands on her Smock; and between ourselves, she cost me more than I'll tell ye at present. I was made a Captain of Horse gratis, and hope so to die, that I shall have no occasion to blush in my Grave: But art thou so prying into others, that thou never considerest thyself? Canst thou spy a Louse on another Man's Coat, and not see the Tyck on thy own? Your Master then is ancienter than yourself, an't please him; but yet thou, whose Milk is not yet out of thy Nose; that canst not say Boo to a Goose; must you be making Observations? Are you the wealthier Man? If you are, Dine twice, and Sup twice; for my part I value my Credit more than Treasures: Upon the whole matter, where's the Man that ever dunned me twice? Thou Pipkin of a Man, more limber, but nothing better than a Strap of wet Leather, I have served forty Years in this House, came into it with my Hair full grown; this Palace was not then built, yet I made it my business to please my Master, a Person of Honour, the parings of whose Nails are more worth than thy whole Body. I met several rubs in my way, but by the help of my good Angel, I broke through them all: This is truth; it is as easy to make a Hunting-Horn of a Sow's Tail, as to get into this Company. What makes ye in a Dump now, like a Goat at a heap of Stones?  
On this Gi●on, who stood behind him, burst out a laughing; which the other taking notice of, fell upon the Boy; and, Do you, said he, laugh too, you curlpated chattering Magpie? O the Saturnals! why how now, Sirrah! is it the Month of December? When were you Twenty, I pray? What would this Collop dropped from the Gibbe●, this Crows-meat, be at? I●ll find some or other way for Jupiter to plague th●e, and him that br●d thee no better, or never let me ●at a good Meals-meat again: I could, Sirrah, but for the Companies sake, I spare thee; tho' either we understand not aright, or they are Sots themselves, that carry no better a hand over thee; for without doubt it is true, Like Master like Man. I am hot by nature, and can s●arce contain myself; give me but a mess of Peas-porridge, and I care not twopences for my Mother. Very well, I shall meet thee abroad, thou Mouse; nay, rather Molehill. May I never thrive mor●, but I'll drive that Master of thine into a blade of Rue; nor shalt thou (so help me Hercules) 'scape me, tho' thou couldst call in Jupiter to thy aid: I shall off with those Locks, and take thee when that tri●●ing Master of thine shall be o●t of the way; thou wilt certainly fall into my hands, and either I know not myself, or I'll make thee leave that Buffonery: Tho' thy Beard were of Gold, I'll have thee bruised in a Mortar, and him that first taught thee: I never studied Geometry, Criticism, and mere words without sense, but I understand the sitting of Stones for Buildings; can run you over a hundred things, as to Metal, Weight, Coin, and that to a tittle; if you have a mind you and I will try it between us: I'll lay thee a Wager, thou Wizard, and tho' I am wholly ignorant of Rhetoric, thou'lt presently see thou hast lost: Let no one run about the Bush to me; I come up to him: Resolve me, I say, which of us runs, yet s●irs not out of his place: which of us grows bigger, and yet is less. Do you scamper? can't you tell what to make of it, that you look so like a Mouse in a Trap? Therefore either hold thy tongu●, or done't provoke a better Man than thyself, who does not think thee framed of Nature, unless thou fansiest me taken with those yellow curled Locks, which thou hast already vowed to some Whore or other. O lucky Opportunity! come, let's walk the Exchange, and see which of us can take up Money: You'll be satisfied then, this Iron has Credit upon't● a pretty thing, is it not! a drunken Fox. So may I gain while I live, and die well; but the People will brain me if I follow not that Coat on thy back, which is not for thy wearing, where ever thou goest: He's a precious tool too, whoever he were, that taught thee; a piece of green Cheese, no Master. I have learned as well as another Man, and my Master said it would be my own another day. Save your Worship! get home as fast as you can, but look well about you, and have a care how you speak irreverently of your betters, or vi● Estates with them; he that does it, his Purse shall feel it: For myself, that you see me as I am, I thank my Stars for the Art I have.  
Ascyltos' was making answer to his Railing; when Trimalchio, pleased with that good Grace of speaking, Go to, said he, no more of this wild talk, let us rather be pleasant: And you Hermeros, bear with the Youngman, his Blood boils; be thou the soberer Man; he that is overcome in this matter, goes off Conqueror: Even thyself, when thou wert such another Capon, hadst nothing but Coco, Coco, and no heart at all. Let us therefore, which is the better of the two, be heartily Merry, and expect some admirers of Homer, that will be here presently.  
Nor were the words scarc● out of his mo●th, when in came a band of Men, and made a rustling with th●ir Spears and Targets. Trimalchio l●aned on his Pillow, the Homerists rattled out Greek Verses, as, arrogantly enough, they were wont to do, and he read a Latin Book with a lo●d voice: whereupon Silence being made, Know ye, said he, what Fable they were upon?  
Diomedes and Ganymede were two Brothers, and Helen was their Sister; Agam●mnon stole him away, and shamm'd Diana with a Hind in his room, as says Homer in this place; and how the Trojans and the Parentines fought among themselves; but at last he got the better of it, and married his Daughter Iphigenia to Achilles; on which Ajax run Mad. And there's an end of the Tal●.  
On this the Homerists set up a Sho●t, and a young boiled Heifer with an Helm●t on her Head, was handed in upon a mighty Charger: Ajax followed, and with a drawn Sword, as if he were mad, made at it, now in one place, then in another, still acting a Morris-dancer; till having cut it into Joints, he took them upon the point of his Sword, and distributed them. Nor had we much time to admire the Conceit; for of a sudden the Roof gave a crack, and the whole Room shook: For my part, I got on my feet, but all in confusion, for fear some Tumbler might drop on my head; the same also were the rest of the Guests; still gaping and expecting what new thing should come from the Clouds: when strait the main Beams opened, and a vast Circle was let down, all round which hung Golden Garlands, and Alabaster Pots of sweet Ointments.  
While we were required to take up these Presents, I chanced to cast an eye upon the Table, where there lay a fresh Service of Cheesecakes and Tarts, and in the midst of them a lusty Roundlet, stuck round with all sorts of Apples and Grapes, as they commonly draw that Figure.  
We greedily reached our Hands towards it, when of a sudden, a new Diversion gave us fresh Mirth; for all the Cheesecakes, Apples and Tarts, upon the least touch, threw out a delicious liquid Perfume, which fell upon us.  
We judging the Mess to be Sacred, that was so gorgeously set out, stood up and began a Health to the August Founder, the Father of his Country: After which Reverence, falling to catch that catch could, we filled our Napkins, and I chiefly, who thought nothing too good for my Boy Gito.  
During this, in came three Boys in White, their Coats tucked about them; of whom, two set on the Table three Household Gods with Broaches about their Necks, and the other bearing round us a Goblet of Wine, cried aloud, Be the Gods Favourable! The Name of this, said he, is Cobbler, that other's Good-luck, and the third's Spend-all: And as the Image of Trimal●hio was carried round, and every one kissed it, we thought it a shame not to do as the rest of the Company.  
After this, when all of us●had wished him Health and Happiness, Trimalchio turning to Ni●●ros, You were wont, said he, to be a good Companion, but what's the matter we get not a word from ye ●●w? Let me entreat ye, as you would see me Happy, do not break an old Custom.  
Niceros, pleased with the frankness of his Friend: Let me never thrive, said he, if I am not ready to caper out of my Skin, to see you in so good a Humour; therefore what I say shall be all Mirth; tho' I am afraid those Grave Fops may laugh: but let them look to't, I'll go on nevertheless; for what am I the worse for any one's Swearing? I had rather they laugh at what I say, than at myself.  
Thus when he spoke— he began this Tale—  
While I was yet a Servant we lived in a narrow Lane, now the House of Gavilla: There, as the Gods would have it, I fell in Love with Tarentius' Wife; he kept an Eating-house. Ye all knew Melissa Tarentina, a pretty little Punching-block, and withal Beautiful; but (so help me Hercules) I minded her not so much for the matter of the point of that, as that she was good-humoured; if I asked her any thing, she never denied me; and what Money I had, I trusted her with it; nor did she ever fail me when I'd occasion. It so happened, that a Shecompanion of hers had died in the Country, and she was gone thither; how to come at her I could not tell; but a Friend is seen at a dead lift; it also happened my Master was gone to Capua to dispatch somewhat or other: I laid hold of the opportunity, and persuaded mine Host to take an Evenings Walk of four or five Miles out of Town, for he was a stout Fellow, and as bold as the Devil: The Moon shone as bright as Day, and about Cock-crowing we fell in with a Buryingplace, and certain Monuments of the Dead: my Man loitered behind me a Stargazing, and I sitting expecting him, fell a Singing and numbering them; when looking round me, what should I see but mine Host stripped starknaked, and his Cloat●s lying by the highway-side. The sight struck me every where, and I stood as if I had been dead; but he Pissed round his clothes, and of a sudden was turned to a Wolf: Don't think I Jest; I value no Man's Estate at that rate, as to tell a Lye. But as I was saying, after he was turned to a Wolf, he set up a Howl, and fled to the Woods. At first I knew not where I was, till going to take up his clothes, I found them also turned to Stone. Another Man would have died for fear, but I drew my Sword, and slaying all the Ghosts that came in my way, lighted at last on the place where my Mistress was: I entered the first Door; my Eyes were sunk in my Head, the Sweat ran off me by more streams than one, and I was just breathing my last, without thought of recovery; when my Melissa coming up to me, began to wonder why I'd be walking so late; and if, said she, you had come a little sooner, you might have done us a kindness; for a Wolf came into the Farm, and has made Butchers work enough among the Cattle; but tho' he got off, he has no reason to laugh, for a Servant of ours ran him through the Neck with a Pitch-fork. As soon as I had heard her, I could not ●old open my Eyes any longer, and ran home by Daylight, like a Vintner whose House had been robbed: But coming by the place where the clothes were turned to Stone, I saw nothing but a Puddle of Blood; and when I got home, found mine Host lying a●bed like an Ox in his Stall, and a Chirurgeon ●ressing his Neck. I understood afterwards he was a Fellow that could change his Skin; but from that day forward, could never eat a bit of Bread with him, no, if you'd have killed me. Let them that don't believe me, examine the truth of it; may your good Angels plague me as I tell ye a Lye.  
The Company were all wondering, when, Saving what you have said, quoth Trimalchio, if there be faith in Man, my Hair stands on end, because I know Niceros is no Trifler; he's sure of what he says, and not given to talking: Nay, I'll tell ye as horrible a thing myself; but see there, what's that behind the Hangings?  
When I was yet a long-haired Boy, for even then I lived a pleasant Life, I had a Minion, and he died: He was (so help me Hercules) a Pearl, a Paragon, nay Perfection itself: But when the poor Mother lamented him, and we also were doing the same, some Witches got round the House on a sudden, you'd have taken them for Hounds hunting a Hare. We had then in the House a Cappadocian, a tall Fellow, stout and hardy, that would not have stepped an inch out of his way for Jupiter. He boldly drew his Sword, and wrapping his Coat about his left Arm, leapt out of the House, and as it might be here, (no hurt to the thing I touch) ran a Woman clean through. We heard a pitiful Groan, but not to Lie, saw none of them. Our Champion came in and threw himself on a Bed, but all black and blue, as he had been thrashed with Flails; for it seems some ill Hand had touched him. We shut the Door, and went on with our Mourning; but the Mother taking her Son in her Arms, and stroking him, found nothing but a Bolster of Straw; it had neither Heart, Entrails, nor any thing, for the Fairies belike had stolen him out of his Cradle, and left that of Straw instead of him. Give me Credit, I beseech ye, Women are craftier than we are, play their Tricks by Night, and turn every thing Topsy-turvy. After this our tall Fellow never came to his Colour again, but in a few days died Raving-mad.  
We all wondered, as not doubting what he said, and kissing the Table in reverence to him, prayed the privilege of the Night, and that our Places might be kept till we returned.  
And now we thought the Lamps looked double, and the whole Room seemed quite another thing; when Trimalchio again, I speak to you Plorimus, won't you come in for a share? Will ye entertain us with nothing? thou usedst to be a pleasant Companion, couldst sing a Song and tell a Tale with the best; but Alas! alas! the Sweetmeats are gone. My Horses, said the other, ran away with my Coach, I have been troubled with the Gout ever since. When I was a young Fellow, I Sung so long I had well nigh brought myself into a Consumption. What do ye tell me of Songs, Tales, or Barber's Shops? Who ever came near me but one, only Apelles; and with setting his Hand to his Mouth, Whistled out somewhat, ● know not what, which afterwards he swore was Greek. Trimalchio also when he mimicked the Trumpets, looked on his Minion and ●alled him Cr●esus: Yet the Boy was blear-eyeed, and swathing up a little black Bitch with nasty Teeth, and overgrown with Fat, in Green Swadling-Clouts, he set half a Loaf on the Table, which she refusing, he crammed her with it: On which Trimalchio commanded the Guardian of his House and Family, Scylax, to be brought; when presently was led in a beautiful Mastiff in a Chain, who having a hint given him by a knock of the Porter's Foot, lay down before the Table: whereupon Trimalchio throwing him a Manchet; There's no one, said he, in this House of mine, loves me better than this Dog. The Boy taking it in dudgeon that Scylax should be so commended, laid the Bitch on the Floor, and challenged the Dog to have a Rubbers with him. On this Scylax, after the manner of Dogs, set up such a hideous Barking, that it filled the Room; and snapping at him, almost rend off a Brooch that hung on Crasus' Breast; nor did the Scuffle end here, for the great Candle being overturned on the Table, broke all the Crystal Glasses, and threw the scalding Oil on the Guests.  
Trimalchio, not to seem concerned at the loss, kissed the Boy, and commanded him to get on his Back; nor was it long ere he was a Cockhorse, and slapping his Master's Shoulders, and laughing, cried out, Fool, fool, and how many of them have ●e here?  
Trimalchio thus kept under for a while, commanded a Bumper to be filled and given round to the Waiters, with this further, That whoever refused it should have it poured down his Collar. Thus one while we were Grave, and other while Merry.  
After this came Junkets and made Dishes, the very remembrance of which, if I may be believed, will not yet down with me; for there were several crammed Hens given about under the notion of Thrushes, and Goose Eggs with Caps upon them; which Trimalchio, nor without Ostentation, pressed us to Eat; adding withal, that their Bones were taken out.  
Nor were the words scarce out of his mouth, when a Beadle rapped at Door, and one in White, with a company of Roisters following him, came in upon us: For my part I was not a little surprised; and by his Lordliness taking him for the Mayor of a Town, and ourselves within his Liberties, was getting upon my Feet. Agamemnon laughed to see me so concerned, and bade me sit still; for, said he, this Habinias is a Captain of Horse, a good Mason, and has a special faculty in making Monuments.  
Recovered again with his words, I kept my Seat, and wholly fixed my Eye on Habinias: He came in Drunk, and lolling on his Wife's Shoulders, with some Garlands about him, his Face all trickling down with Ointment, he seated himself at the head of the Table, and incontinently called for Wine and hot Water.  
Trimalchio was pleased with the Humour, and calling for a bigger Glass, asked him what Entertainment he had whence he came?  
Every thing, said the other, but ●hy self; for my inclination was here; tho' (so help me Hercules) it was all well. Scissa kept a Nine●days Feast for his Servant Miscellus, whom he enfranchised after he was dead: It is said he had a round Sum in the Chequer, for they reckon he died worth 50000 Sesterces; yet this was all done in good order, tho' every of us were obliged to pour half his Drink on the Grave.  
But, said Trimalchio, what had ye to Eat? I'll tell ye, quoth Habinas', as near as I can, for my Memory is not so good, but that sometimes I forget my own Name: However, for the first Dish we had a goodly Porker, with a Garland upon him, and Puddings, Goose Giblets, Lamb-stones, Sweetbreads, and Gizzards round him; there were also Bee●s, and Household-bread of his own baking, for himself, which I had rather have than White; it makes a Man strong, and I never complain of what I like. The next was a cold Tart, with excellent warm Honey, and that Spanish, running upon it. I ●at little of the Tart, but more of the Honey; I tasted also the red Pulse, and Lupins, by the advice of Calvus, and several Apples, of which I took away two in my Handkerchief; for if I bring home nothing to my little she Slave, I shall have Snubs enough: this Dame of mine puts me often in mind of her. We had also on a Side-Table the Haunch of a Bear, which Scintilla tasting ere she was aware, had like to have thrown up her Guts: I on the other hand eat a pound of it or better, for methought it tasted like B●ars flesh; and said I, if a Bear eats a Man, why may not a Man much more eat a Bear? To be short, we had Cream Cheese, Wine boiled o●f to a third part, fried Snails, Chitterlings, Livers, Eggs, Turnips, Mustard, and a Bowl that held a Gallon. Don't disturb me Palamedes; there were also handed about a Basket of Sugar-Cakes, of which we wantonly ●ook some, and sent away the Gammon of B●con. But ●ell me Cai●s, I beseech you, what's the matter that Fortunata sits not among us? How came you to know her? quoth Trimalchio; for till she has gotten her Plate together, and distributed what we leave among the Servants, not a sip of any thing goes into her mouth.  
But unless she ●its down, replied Habinas', I'll be gone; and was getting up, but that the word being four times given about for her, she came at last in a greenish Gown and a Cherry-coloured Stomacher, beneath which might be seen her Petticoat and Embroidered Garters; then wiping her Hands on her Neckcloth, she ●ate on that Bed whereon Scintilla the Wife of Habinas' was; and having given ●er a Kiss, told her, it was in Compliment to her that she was there. At length it came to this, that she took o●f her weighty Bracelets, and showed them to Scintilla; which she admiring, she also unbuckled her Garters and a Network Purse, which she said was of the finest Gold.  
Trimalchio observed it, and commanding all to be laid before him, See, said he, this Woman's Finery, and what Fools our Wives make us; they should be Six Pound and a half; yet I've another of Mercury's making, that weighs Ten: And that he might not be thought to tell a Lie, called for his Gold Scales, and commanded them to be weighed: Nor had Scintilla more Wit than tother, for pulling a Golden Box out of her Bosom, which she called Good luck, she took out of it two large Pearl Pendants, giving them in like manner to Fortunata to view: See, quoth she, what 'tis to have a kind Husband, I am sure no Woman has better. What, said Habinas', hast thou put the Shame on me? thou toldst me thou couldst be contented with Glass Beads; and for this trick, if I had a Daughter I'd cut off her Ears; tho' were there no Women what were the rest worth? This it is to piss warm and drink cold.  
Mean time the Women perceiving they were touched, twittered among themselves, and being got Drunk, fell to kissing one another; one commended the Mistress of the House, t'other the Master: when during this chatter, Habinas' stealing behind Fortunata, gave her such a toss on the Bed, that her Heels flew as high as her Head, on which she gave a squeak or two, and finding her Thighs bare, ran her Head under Scintilla's Smock.  
This held a while, till Trimalchio calling for a second Service to ●ntertain his new Guests, the Servants took away the Tables that were before us, and having brought others, strewed the Room with Pin-dust, mixed with vermilion and Sa●●ron; and, what I never saw before, the Dust of a Looking-glass ground to Powder.  
When immediately, quoth Trimalchio, I could have been contented with those first Dishes; but since we have got other Tables, we must also have another Service; and if there be any thing worth our having, bring it.  
On which, a spruce Boy that served us with warm Water, began to imitate a Nightingale; till Trimalchio giving the word, a Servant that waited on Habinas', set up another Humour, and, as I believe, commanded by his Master, noised out; 
Mean time Aeneas had put off to Sea.  Nor was there ever a harsher sound yet pierced my Ear; for besides his disordered Country Tone, his pitiful and starveling way of delivery, he so stuffed it with scraps of Verses, that even Virgil than first disrelished me; till at last so tired, that he could hold no longer; D'ye think, said Habinas', this Boy has learned nothing? I bred him with Jugglers that follow the Fair: Nor has he his fellow, whether he humour's a Muliteer or a Jester. This never-be-good has abundance of Wit; he's a Tailor, a Cook, a Baker, a Jack of all Trades, and but for two faults, were exact to a hair: He's crack-brained, and s●ores in his sleep: For that cast of his Eye I value it not, he looks like Venus, and therefore his Tongue is ever running; and were that Eye out he were worth the Money I gave for him.  
On which Scintilla interrupting him, told him he was a naughty Man, for not telling all his Servant's good qualities: He's a ●imp, s●id he, if not worse, but I'll take care he be branded for that.  
Trimal●hio laughed, and said he knew he was a Cappadocian that never beguiled himself of any thing, and (so help me Hercules) I commend him ●or't: when will you find such another, but, Scintilla, you must not be jealous: Believe me, and I know you too; may I so enjoy the health you wish me, as I played at Leapfrog so long with our Boy, that my Master grew jealous, and sent me to Dig in the Country: But hold thy tongue and I'll give thee a Loaf.  
Hereupon the Ra●●al, as if he had been praised all this while, took o●t an Earthen Candlestick, and for half an hour or better, counterfeited the Hautboys, Habinas' singing the ●ase to him, and ●labbering his under Lip with his Finger; that done, he went into ●he middle of the Room, and clattering so●e Canes together, one while imitated the Bagpipes, and danced a Jig to it; and o●her while with a ragged Frock and a Whip, humoured a Fellow driving his M●les; till Habinas' having called him, first kissed him, and then drank to him, which the other pledged; and wishing him better and better, I give you, said he, a pair of Buskins.  
Nor had there ever been an end of this Trumpery, had not that last Service of Blackbirds, baked in good Piecrust with Raisins and Chessnuts, been brought up, and after them Quince●Peaches, so stuck with prickles, that they looked like Hedgehogs: Yet this might have been born with, if the next ●ish had not been such, that we had rather have starved than touched it: For wh●n it was ●et upon the Table, an● as we thought, a fat Goose, with Fishes and all kind of Fowl round it, whatever you see here, said Trimalchio is all made of the same substance.  
ay, like a cunning Cur, strait apprehended what it might be; and turning to Agamemnon, I marvel, said I, whether they be all mashed together or made of Loam; for in a Saturnal at Rome, myself saw the like imaginary show of a Supper.  
Nor had I scarce said it, when— quoth Trimalc●io, let me so grow in Estate, not Bulk, as my Cook made all this out of one Hog; there is not an excellenter Fellow than himself; he shall, if ye please, make ye a Poll of Ling of a Sow's Tripe; a Wood-Culver of fat Bacon; a Turtle of a Spring of Pork; and a Hen of a Collar of Brawn; and therefore of my own fancy, I gave him a Name proper to him, for he is called Daedalus: And because he understands his business, I had Chopping-Knives of the best Steel brought him from Rome; and with that, calling for them, he turned them over, and admiring them, offered us the liberty of trying their Edge on his Che●k.  
On this came in two Servants as quarrelling about their Collars, at which each of them had a large ●arthen Pot hanging; and when Trimalchio determined the matter between them, neither of them stood to his Sentence, but fell to Club-Law, and broke each others Pots.  
This Drunken Presumption put us out of order; yet casting an eye on the Combatants, we saw Oysters and Scallops running from the Pots, and another Boy receiving them in a Charger, which he carried round the Guests.  
Nor was the Cook's Ingenuity short of the rest, for he brought us a Dish of grilled Snails on a Silver Gridiron, and with a shrill unpleasant Voice, Sang as he went. I am ashamed of what followed; for, what was never heard of till then, the Boys came in with a Basin of liquid Perfumes, and first binding our Legs, Ankles and Feet, with Garlands, anointed them with it, and put the rest into the Wine Vessel and the Lamps.  
And now Fortunata began to Dance, and Scintilla's Hands went faster than her Tongue; when, quoth Trimalchio, Sat down Philargyrus, I give ye leave, and you Carrio, because you're a Green-Ribbon-Man, and you Minophilus bid your Comrade do the like; what shall I say more? The Family so crowded upon us, that we were almost thrust off our Beds; and who should be seated above me, but the Cook who had made a Goose of a Hog, all stinking of Pickle and Kitchen-stuff; nor yet content that he sat amongst us, he fell immediately to Personate Thespis the Tragedian, and dare his Master to a Wager which of them two should win the Prize next Wrestling.  
Trimalchio abashed at the Challenge; My Friends, said he, even Servants are Men; and however oppressed by ill luck, sucked the same Milk ourselves did; and for mine, it shall not be long ere I make them Free without prejudice to myself: to be short, I enfranchise all of them by my last Will and Testament.  
I give Philargyrus a Country Farm, and his she-Comrade; to Carrio an Island, with a twentieth part of my Movables, a Bed and its Furniture; for I make Fortunata my Heiress, whom I recommend to all my Friends, and publish what I have done, to the end my Family may so love me now, as if I were dead.  
All thanked their Master for his kindness; and he, as having forgotten trifles, called for a Copy of his Will, which he read from one end to the other, the Family all the while sighing and sobbing; afterwards turning to Habinas', Tell me, my best of Friends, said he, do you go on with my Monument as I directed ye? I earnestly entreat ye, that at the Feet of my Statue you Carve me my little Bitch, as also Garlands and Ointments, and all the Battles I have been in, that by your kindness I may live when I am dead: Be sure too that it have an hundred Feet as it fronts the Highway, and as it looks towards the Fields two hundred: I will also, that there be all sorts of Fruit and Vines round my Ashes, and that in great abundance: For it is a gross mistake to furnish Houses for the Living, and take no care of th●se we are to abide in for ever: And therefore in the first place, I will have it Engraven●  
LET NO HEIR OF MINE PRETEND TO THIS MONUMENT.  
And that I may receive no injury after I am dead, I'll have a Codicil annexed to my Will, whereby I'll appoint one of my Freedmen the Keeper of this Monument, that the People make not a House-of-Office of it. Make me also, I beseech you, on this my Monument, Ships under full Sail, and myself in my Robes sitting on the Bench, with five Gold Rings on my Fingers, and scattering Moneys among the common People; for you know I have ordered ye a Funeral Feast, and Twopences apiece in Money. You shall also, if you think ●it, shape me some of these Beds we now sit on, and all the People making their Court to me. On my right hand place my Fortunata's Statue, with a Dove in one hand, and leading a little Dog in her Girdle with the other: As also my Cicero, and large Wine Vessels close Corked that the Wine don't run out, and yet Carve one of them as broken, and a Boy weeping over it; as also a Sundial in the middle, that whoever comes to see what's a-Clock, may read my Name whether he will or no. And lastly, have a special consideration whether you think this Epitaph sufficient enough: HERE RESTS CAIUS POMPEIUS TRIMALCHIO, PATRON OF THE LEARNED. A TROOP OF HORSE WAS DECREED HIM, WITHOUT SUING FOR, AND MIGHT HAVE BEEN A SENATOR WOULD HE HAVE ACCEPTED IT. A PIOUS MAN, HONEST, VALIANT, AND TRUE TO HIS FRIEND. HE RAISED HIMSELF FROM LITTLE OR NOTHING, BUT LEFT BEHIND HIM A PRODIGIOUS ESTATE, YET NEVER HEARD A PHILOSOPHER. FAREWEL TO YOU ALSO.  
This said, Trimal●hio wept plentifully, Fortunata wept, Habinas' wept, and the whole Family s●t up a cry as it had been his Funeral; nay, I also whined for company: when, quoth Trimalchio, Since you know we must di●, why don't we live while we may? so l●● me live myself to see you happy; as, if we plunge ourselves in the ●●●h we shall not repent it: At ●y 〈◊〉 ●e i●; I'll lead the way, for thi● 〈◊〉 is grown as hot as an Ov●n. Sa● you so, quoth Habi●a●, no●●m ● a●●aid ●o make two days of one; and therewith got up barefoot and followed Trimalchio.  
I on the other hand turning to As●yltos, asked him what he thought of it, for if I but see the Bath I shall swoon away.  
Let's lagg behind then, said he, and whilst they are getting in, we'll slip off in the Crowd.  
The contrivance pleased us; and so Gito leading the way through the Portico, we came to the last Gate, where a chained Dog bolted upon us so furiously, that Ascyltos fell into the Fishpond. I who had been frighted at the painted Dog, and now gotten as Drunk as Ascyltos, while I endeavoured to get hold of him, fell in myself; at last the Porter's coming in saved us, for he quieted the Dog and drew us out; but Gito, like a sharp Rascal, delivered himself, for whatever had been given him at Supper to carry home with him, he threw it the Dog, and that mollified him.  
But, when shivering with cold, we desired the Porter to let us out: You're mistaken, said he, if ye think to go ou● the same way ye came in, for no Guest ere yet did; they came in at one Ga●● and are let out by another.  
In this sad pickle, what should we do? we found ourselves in a new kind of Labyrinth, and for bathing, we'd enough of it already: However, necessity enforcing us, we prayed him to show us the way to the Bath: and Gito having hung out our clothes a drying in the Porch, we entered the Bath, which was somewhat narrow, and sunk in the Earth, not unlike a Rain-water Cistern; in this stood Trimalchio starknaked: Nor could we avoid his filthy tricks; for he said, nothing was better than to bathe in a Crowd; and that very place had in times past been a Grinding-house. Being weary at length, he sat down, and provoked by the noisiness of the Bath, set up his drunken Throat, and fell a murdering some Songs of Menecrates, as they that understood him told us.  
Other Guests ran round the Cistern with their Arms across, and made a clamorous slap with their Mouths; others either tried to take up a Ring from the Pavement, with their Hands bound behind them, or putting one Knee to the ground, to kiss their great Toes backward.  
While they thus entertained one another, we went into the Hothouse that had been heated for Trimalchio; and being now recovered of our Drunkenness, were brought into another Room, where Fortunata had set out a fresh Entertainment. Above the Lamps I observed some women's Gewgaws. The Tables were massy Silver, the Earthen Ware double gilt, and a Conduit running with Win●; when, quoth Trimalchio, This day, my Friends, a Servant of mine opened a Barber's Shop; he's well to pass, a thrifty Fellow, and a favourite of mine: Come, let the Floor have a drink as well as ourselves; and for our part, we'll sit to it till daylight.  
While he was yet speaking, a Cock crowed, at which Trimalchio grew disordered, and commanded the Win● to be thrown under Table, and sprinkle the Lamps with it; then changing a Ring to his right Hand, it is not for nothing, said he, this Trumpeter has given us notice; for either the House should be on ●ire, or one of the Neighbourhood will kill himself: Far from us be it, and therefore whoever brings me this discoverer, I'll give him a reward.  
When immediately a Cock was brought in, and Trimalchio commanding to have him dressed, he was torn in pieces by that exquisite Cook, who a little before had made us Fish and Fowl of a Hog, and put in a Stew-pan, and while Daedalus was taking a lusty draught, Fortunata ground Pepper.  
After which Trimalchio taking some of the Banquet, bid the Waiters go to Supper, and let others supply their places.  
Whereupon came in another rank of Servants, and as the former going cried out, Farewell, Cai●s, those coming in cried out, Sat thou merry, Caius.  
And here our Mirth first began to be disturbed; for a beautiful Boy coming in among those new Servants, Trimalchio plucked the Boy to him, and did nothing but kiss him over and over: Whereupon Fortunata to maintain her right, began to Rail at Trimalchio, called him pitiful Fellow, one that could not bridle his Lust, shame and dishonour to an honest Woman, and a very Dog. Trimalchio on the other hand, all confounded and vexed at her Taunts, threw a Goblet at her Head: She fell a roaring as if she had lost an Eye, and clapped both her Hands before it.  
Scintilla also stood amazed, and covered Fortunata all trembling as she was, in her Bosom; the Boy also put a cold Pitcher to her Cheek, on which she leaned and made a lamentable wailing and blubbing.  
But Trimalchio quite contrary; for, said he, what am I the better for this graceless Buttock? 'Tis well known I took her out of a Bawdy-house, and made her an honest Woman, but now blown up like a Frog ●he bespatters herself; a very Block, no Woman: But this poor Boy born in a Hovel, never dreams of Palaces. May my good Genius so befriend me, as I'll bring down this seeming Saint, but in her actions a Whore rampant: As inconsiderable as she makes me, I might have had a Wife with Two hundred and fifty thousand Pistols; you know I don't Lie; but she was somewhat in years, and Agatho the sweet Oil-man, persuaded me not to let my Name run out, when instead of doing good to her, I have put a Thorn in my own Foot; but I'll have a care that ●he dig me not out of my Grave with her Nails: And that she may know what I'll do at present, I will not, Habinas', have you put her Statue in my Monument, that I have no words with her when I am dead: Nay, that she may know I am able to plague her, she shall not so much as kiss me when I die. After this rattling, Habinas' entreated him to give over his anger; There's none of us all, said he, but some time or other does amiss; we are but Men, no Gods. Weep Scintilla said the same, called him Caius, and by his own good nature, besought him to be pacified.  
Trimalchio not able to hold Tears any longer, I beg of you, Habinas', said he, and as you wish to enjoy what you have got, if I have done any thing without cause, spit in my ●ace: I kissed the Boy 'tis true, not for his beauty, but that he's a hopeful thrifty Lad: He has several Sentences by heart, can r●ad a Book at first sight; saves Money ou● of his days Provision; has a Binn of his own to keep it, and two drinking Cups; and does he not deserve to be in my Eye? but Fortunata, forsooth, will not have it so; your bandy Legs won't away with it. Be content with your own, thou sheKite, and done't disquiet me, thou Harlotry, or otherwise thou'lt ●ind what I am; thou knowest well enough, if I once set on't, 'tis immovable. But we'll remember the living.  
Come my Friends, let's see how Merry ye can be, for in my time I have been no better than yourselves, but by my own industry I am what I am: 'Tis the Heart makes a Man, all the rest is but stuff. I buy cheap and ●ell dear; another Man may ●ell ye other things, but I enjoy myself: And thou Dunghill-raker, art thou yet gruntling, I'll make ye hereafter do it for somewhat.  
But as I was saying my Frugality brought the fortune I have: I came out of Asia no taller than this Candlestick, and daily measured myself by it: and that I might get a Beard the sooner, rubbed my Lips with the Candle-grease; yet I kept Ganymede to my Master fourteen Years (nor is any thing dishonourable that the Master commands) and the same time contented my Mistress: Ye know what I mean, I'll say no more, for I am no boaster. By this means, as the Gods would have it, the governing the House was committed to me, and nothing was done but by my guidance: What need many words? He made me Joint-heir with Caesar, and I had by it a Senator's Estate; but no Man thinks he has enough, and I had a mighty desire to turn Merchant. Not to detain you longer; I built five Ships, Freighted them with Wines, which at that time were as dear as Gold, and sent them to Rome; you'll think I desired to have it so: All my Ships Foundered at Sea; 'tis a great truth, no Story; Neptune swallowed me in one day Three hundred thousand Se●terties. Do ye think I broke upon't, (so help me Hercules) no; the Loss was but a Fleabite: For, as if there had been no such thing, I built others, larger, better, and more fortunate than the former; so that every one called me a Man of Courage. As you know a great Ship carries a great deal of force, I loaded them again with Wine, Bacon, Bea●s, Unguents, Plan●s: And here Fortunata showed her affection; for she sold what she had; nay, her very clothes, and put a round Sum in my Pocket; tho' yet it was but a Pig of my own Sow. What the Gods will is quickly done; I got an hundred thousand Sesterces by the Voyage, and forthwith redeemed the Lands my Patron had left me, built me a House, bought Cattle to sell them again, and whatever I went about gathered like a Snowball: But when I grew richer than all the Country besides, I took up, and from a Merchant turned Usurer, and bought Servants.  
Thus resolved to give over Trading, a certain ginger that chanced to light on this Village, would have persuaded me to the contrary. He was a Gr●aeian, his Name Saerapa, on● that held Correspondence with the Gods. He told me a deal that I had forgotten, and laid every thing before me from top to bottom: He knew all I had within me, and told me what I had the Night before to Supper; you'd have thought he had lived with me all his life.  
I beseech you, Habinas', for I think you was there; he told me the Intrigue between my Mistress and me; That I had but ill luck at Friends; that no one ever made me a return of my kindnesses: That I had large Poss●ssions, but nourished a Viper in my Bosom: Why should I not tell you all? I have by his Account, thirty Years, four Months, and two Days yet to live; and in a short time shall have another Estate left me.  
Thus my Fortune-teller. But if I can join my Lands here to those in Apulia, I shall do well enough: in the mean, and while Mercury is my Guardian, I have built this House: it was once you know, a pitiful cabin, but now as Magnificent as a Temple: it has four Dining Rooms, twenty Bedchambers, two Marble Porticoes, a Gallery above Stairs, my own Apartment, another for this Viper; a very good Porter's Lodge, and the House capable of receiving a thousand Guests: To be short, when ever Scaurus comes this way, he had rather lodge here than at his own House, tho' it lie to the Seaward: and many other Conveniencies it has, which I'll show you by and by. Believe me, He that has a penny in his Purse, is worth a penny: Have and you shall be esteemed. And so your Friend, once no better than a Frog, is now a King.  
And now Stichus bring me the Furniture in which I design to be carried to my Funeral Pile; bring also the Unguent, and some of that Pot, which I ordered for the cleansing my Bones.  
Stichus lingered not, but brought in a white Coverlet, and Robe of State, and prayed us to try if they were not fine Wool, and well Woven. And see you Stichus, said Trimalchio smiling, that neither Mice nor Moths come at them, for if they do I'll burn you alive. I will be brought out in Pomp, that all the People may speak well of me.  
With that opening a Glass Bottle of Spicknard, he caused us all to be Anointed; and I hope, said he, it will do as much good when I am dead, as it does while I am living: Then commanding the Wine Vessels to be filled again; Fancy, said he, you are invited to my Funeral Feast. We by this time nauseated, were ready to Vomit; Trimalchio also was gotten confoundedly Drunk, when behold a new Interlude; he called for the Coronets to come in; and, underset with Pillows, and stretching himself at length on the Bed, suppose me, said he, now dead, say somewhat, I beseech you, in praise of me.  
Whereupon the Coronets sounded as it had been at a Funeral; but one above the rest, a Servant of that Freedman of Trimalchio's, that was the best conditioned of 'em all, made such a thundering, that it raised the Neighbourhood: On which the Watch thinking the House was on fire, broke open the Gate, and making an Uproar after their manner, ran in with Water and Hatchets: When finding so fair an opportunity, we gave Agamemnon the slip, and seampered off, as it had been a real Fire.   

That which follows, is Translated by Mr. Burnaby, of the Middle-Temple.  
NOT a Star appeared to direct us in our way, nor would the dead of the Night give us hopes of meeting a Stranger that could; with these, the Wine we had drank, and our ignorance of the place, even in the day time, conspired to mis-direct us. When we had wandered almost an hour, with our Feet all bloody, over sharp pebbles and broken hills of gravel, Gyto's diligence at last delivered us: for the day before, fearing we might be at a loss, tho' we had the Sun to our help, he had providently marked every Post and Pillar with a Chalk, the greatest darkness was not able to obscure, by whose shineing whiteness we found our way. But we had as many fears after we got to an Inn; for the Hostess, having drank a little too long with her Guests, had so entirely lost her Senses, a burning could not have made her feel; that, perhaps, we had been forced to have taken up our Lodging i●●he Street, if a Letter-Carrier that belonged to Trimalchio, with ten Carriages of his Master's Revenue, had not come in the mean time; who without much ado beat down the door, and let us in at the same gap.  
After we entered the Bedchamber, h●ving plentifully ●easted; pressed by impatient Nature, I ●ook my Gyto aside; and, wrapped in Pleasures, spent the Night.  
〈◊〉 can t●● Charms of that blessed Night declare,  
●●w so●t ye ●ods! ●ur warm Embraces were?  
W●●ugg'd● w●●ling'd, and through each other's Lips,  
Our Souls, like meeting Streams, together mixed;  
●●rewell the World, and all its Pageantry!  
W●●n I, a Mortal! so begin to Die.  
'Tis without Reason I hug myself; for Ascyltoes, the cause of all my Misfortunes, seeing me Drunk, and incapable to hold my Prize, stole the Boy from my Bed, and conveying him to his own, freely enjoyed fewer Right: Gyto, not sensible of the change, or dissembling it, in a Stranger's Arms slept, secure of our mutual Contract. When I arose, finding myself robbed of all; if there's any Truth in a Lover, I had half an inclination to Murder both, and send them snoring into t'other world: But following a securer Thought, I raised Gyto with blows, and looking as sternly as I could upon Ascyltos, thus addressed myself: Since you've played the Villain by your Treachery, and breaking the common Laws of Friendship, pack up your Matters quickly, and find another Comrade to abuse.  
Ascyltos' consented; and, after we had made an exact division of our Booty; now, says he, let's share the Boy too: I believed it a jest at parting, but, he with a Murderous resolution, drew his Sword, nor shall you, added he, think to engross this prize, which should, like the rest, be common to us both. I must have my share, or with this Sword will be content to take it. Upon which, on the other side, having twisted my gown under my arm, I made advances to Engage.  
The unhappy Boy rushed between, and, Kissing both our knees, with tears, entreated, that we would not expose * ourselves in a pitiful Alchouse, nor with our blood pollute the Rites of so dear a Friendship: but, raising his voice, says he, if there must be Murder, behold my naked bosom, hither direct your fury: 'Tis I deserve death, who violated the sacred Laws of Friendship.  
Upon which we sheathed our Swords; and first Ascyltos, I'll, says he, end the difference: Let the Boy himself follow the man he likes, that, in choosing a Friend, at least, he may have an unquestioned liberty.  
ay, that presumed so long an acquaintance, had made no slight impressions on his Nature, was so far from fearing, that with an eager haste I accepted the proffer, and to the Judge committed the dispute: Gyto, that he might not seem to consider, at my consent jumped up, and Chose Ascyltos.  
ay, like one thunderstruck, at the sentence, void of defence, fell upon the bed; and had not survived the loss, if envy of my Rival had not stopped my Sword.  
Ascyltos, proud of the conquest, goes off with the Prize, leaving me exposed in a strange place, that a little before he caressed as a Friend and sharer of his Fortune.  
'Tis in the World, as in a Game at Chess;  
We serve our Friends but where our profit is.  
When Fortune smiles, we're yours, and yours alone;  
But when she ●rowns, the servile Herd are gone.  
So, in a Play, they Act with mimic Art,  
Father, or Son, or griping Miser's part:  
But when at last the Comic Scenes are o'er,  
They quit the Vizards they assumed before.  
Nor did I there very long complain, for fearing one Menelaus, an Usher of a School, might, among other Misfortunes, find me alone in the Inn, I made up my Wallet, and, very pensive, took me a Lodging in a private place near the Sea: there, after I had been mewed up for three days, reflecting afresh on my despised and abject condition, I beat my breast, as ●ick as it was; and, when my deep sighs would suffer me, often cried out; Why has not the Earth burst open, and swallowed me? Why has not the Sea overwhelmed me, that respects not even the Innocent themselves? Have I been a Murderer? when I had violated Lycas' Wife, have I fled justice? have I escaped even when I was condemned to Die, to live in a strange place, to have my Name recorded only among Beggars and Vagabonds? and who condemned me to this solitude?— A Boy! One who is a prostitute to all manner of Lust; and by his own confession deserves to die; whom Sodomy has ennobled from a Slave; who was publicly contracted with as a Girl, by one that knew he was of the other Sex: and what a wretch is that other, ye Gods! whom, when he might have writ Man, his Mother persuaded even out of his Sex, and putting on Petticoats, was condemned to a Maid's Office in a Prison: who, after he had spent what he had, and changed the scene of his Lust; having contracted an old Friendship, basely left it; and, frontless impudence! like a hot Whore, for one night's pleasure, sold his Friend. Now the Lovers lie whole nights locked in each others arms, and who knows but in those intervals they recruit their wearied Strength, may laugh at me: but they shan't go off so, for if I'm a man, or a freeborn one at least, I'll make their blood compensate the injury.  
Having thus said, I girt on my Sword; and le●t I should be too weak to maintain the war, encouraged myself with a lus●y Meal, and making out of doors, like one possessed, searched every place: but whilst, with a wild distracted countenance, I thought of nothing but blood and slaughter; and oft with execrations laying my hand on my Sword, a Soldier, perhaps some Cheat or Padder, observed me, and making up to me, asked to what Regiment or Company I, his Brother Soldier, belonged? when, with a good assurance, I had cheated him into a belief of the Regiment and Company; well, but Friend, said he, looking down, do● the Soldiers of your Company walk in such shoes? I began to look guilty, and by my trembling discovered the Lie I had told him: upon which he made me lay down my Arms, and bid me take care of the worst. Thus stripped, nay and thus robbed of my Revenge, I returned to my Lodging, where by degrees my fears abating, I began in my mind to thank the Robber.  
But finding it difficult ●to wean myself from the love of Revenge, I spent half the night very pensively; and rising ●by daybreak, to ease me of my grief, and thoughts of my injury, I roved about every where, till at last going into a public Gallery, very wonderful for several ●orts of excellent Painting; I saw some by Zeuxy's hand, that had not yet yielded to the injures of time: And, not without an awful reverence, behold others by Protogenes, which though they were first trials, yet disputed for exactness, even with Nature itself: but on the other side viewing a Celebrated Piece drawn by Apelles; I even adored the Work of so Great a Master: 'twas so correctly finished to the life, you'd have sworn it an Image of the Soul too. One side gave the Story of the Eagle Bearing Jupiter to Heaven, the other the fair Hylas repelling the Addresses of the lewd Naiad: in another part was Apollo, angry at himself for killing his Boy Hyacinth; and, to show his love, crowned his Harp with the Flower that sprung form his Blood.  
In this Gallery, as in a Vision of living Images, I cried out; And are not the Gods themselves secure from love? Jupiter in his Seraglio above, not finding one that can please his appetite, sins upon Earth, yet injures no body: the Nymph would have stifled her passion for Hylas, had she believed the lusty Hercules would have been his Rival: Apollo turns Hyacinth into a Flower: and every Image enjoyed its Wishes without a Rival: but I have caressed, as the dearest Friend, the greatest Villian.  
While I was thus talking to myself, there entered the Gallery an old Man, with a Face as pale as age had made his Hair; and seemed, I know not how, to bring with him the air of a great soul; but viewing his Habit, I was easily confirmed in my opinion, since Fortune seldom deals favourably with Learned Men. In short, he made up to me, and addressing himself, told me he was a Poet; and, as he hoped, above the common herd: if, added he, my merit don't suffer by Applause that's promiscuously given, to the good and bad.  
Why therefore, interrupted I, are you so meanly Clad? On this account returned he, because Learning never made any man rich.  
The Merchant's profit well rewards his toil:  
The Soldier crowns his Labours with the Spoil:  
To servile Flattery we Altars raise:  
And the kind Wife her Stallion ever pays:  
But starving Wit in rags takes barren pain:  
And, dying, seeks the Muse's Aid in vain.  
'Tis certain, added he, that a Lover of Virtue, on the account of his singularity, meets with contempt; for who can approve what differs from himself? And that those who admire Riches, would fain possess every body, that nothing is more reasonable than their Opinion; whence they ridicule, as well as they can, the Learned few; that they, like themselves, might seem within the power of Money.  
I don't know, how Learning and Poverty become Relations, said I, and sighed: You justly lament, returned he, the condition of Scholars.  
You mistake me, said I, that's not the occasion of my sighs, there's another, and much greater Cause: And, as all Men are Naturally inclined to communicate their grief; I laid open my Case to him, beginning with Ascyltos' Treachery, which I aggravated; and, with repeated sighs, often wished his Injustice to me might have deserved pardon: but that now he was a staunch Villain, and in Lust more subtle than the Bawds themselves.  
The Old Man, seeing me sincere, began to comfort me; and the better to effect it, told me what formerly had happened to himself on the like occasion  
When I was in Asia, began he, I Lodged at the House of one Pergamus: where the Entertainment did not tempt me to stay so much, as a very beautiful Boy I saw there, Son to the Master of the house: my contrivance was to act the Lover, unsuspected by the Father: and to effect my Wishes, I used this method: when ever in their mirth they happened to mention the use of beautiful Boys, I dissembled such a horror of it, and with that severe concern pretended my modesty suffered by such discourse, that the Mother, especially, looked upon me as a Philosopher, that was above the little pleasures of the world. Upon this I was desired to be Tutor to the Boy, not only to instruct him in a Method of study, but imform his Mind with Principles of Honour and Honesty, lest they should by accident entertain some man that might have wicked designs on his body.  
There happened a Solemn Festival, whose sports entertained us so long, that excused my being in the Bedchamber with him at Midnight: when finding him not yet a-sleep, in a timorous whisper addressing myself to Venus, Mistress of our desires, said I, Could I have the happiness to Kiss the Boy, and he not know it to morrow, I'll present him with a pair of Turtles.  
Hearing the Reward, he began to snore; upon which, I greedily seized my wishes: satisfied with this beginning, early the next morning, the Boy expecting it, I performed my promise. The Night after, having the same opportunity, I advanced my desires; and if I could with my hand, said I, but rub him up, and he not know it, I'll have a pair of Game-Cocks at his Service: At this, the Boy turned to me, and I believe, was half a●raid I should fall a●sleep before I had done: I soon undeceived him, and with inexpressible pleasure enjoyed my wishes: the day following, he gladly received what I promised him: The third Night, I had the like access to him, and proceeding to a bolder liberty, put my Mouth to his Ear, (who was repeating his Dogsleep) and, ye Gods! said I, could I now seize that wished for joy entire, that neither dare, nor can be expressed to morrow, I'll present him with a Turkish-Barb, on this condition that he does not feel me; upon which, he dissembled the securest Sleep I ever knew: wild to enjoy, I pressed his snowy breasts, that swelling seemed to meet my hands, and, half smothering him with Kisses, hastened to that last and greatest joy that bounded all my wishes: The Morning after, he waited as he used in the Bedchamber, expecting me: You may imagine, the Turtles and Cocks were easier to be purchased, than so fine a Horse: but beside the Charge, I feared so great a Present, might make my Honourable pretensions for the Boy suspected: on this account, I delayed my Visit some hours; when going to him, waving the usual Ceremonies, I only Kissed him; the Boy, as his Arms were about my neck, looking round; I beseech you, Sir, said he, where's the Horse?  
The difficulty of getting a Fine one, returned I, made me defer the Present, but in a few days I'll be as good as my word: the Boy well knew the meaning of my delay, and his Countenance betrayed a Resentment.  
This breach of my word put a stop to the Commerce, but Fortune regained it; for not many days after, another Festival gave me the same privilege I had at first: tired with sports, when I found his Father asleep, I began to ask the Boy to be Friends with me, that is, that he would give me the Favours he had kept from me, or any thing impatient Nature should inspire: he, perfectly angry, gave me no other Answer, than, If you won't Lie still, I'll call to my Father; but Lust forces through all difficulties, tho' he was saying I'll call to my Father, I rushed upon him, and, meeting with a faint resistance, seized the joy. He was not displeased with my vigour, but after a long complaint that he was cheated, laughed at and should beabused among his Schoolfellows, whom he had possessed with an opinion of my being very rich, since I had promised him a Horse: To show you, added he, that you shan't meet with the same ingratitude from me, if you have inclinations to repeat your Wishes, do it freely: I, laying aside ●all quarrels, was easily Friends with him, and having used the liberty he gave me, fell asleep: but he that was now in his prime, and fit for action, not satisfied, raising, me, asked whether I would no more? it was yet no troublesome province to me: and when his short breathing, with much sweat, confessed he he had enough for that bout; tired with pleasure, I fell asleep again: 'twas hardly an hour ere he was pushing me with his Elbow, and crying, we lose time: I was in a great passion to be so often disturbed, and turned his own words upon him, Lie still, or I'll call to your Father.  
This discourse diverting my grief, I began to question the old Gentleman about the Antiquity of some Pieces, the Stories of others I was not acquainted with, the Reason why this Age don't come up to the former, and why the most excellent Arts are lost, of which Painting has not left the least sign of its being? Our love of Riches, replied he, has been the only occasion: for in old time, when Virtue was admired for its own sake, all Liberal Arts flourished, and the only emulation among Men, was to make Discoveries that might profit the Age. 'Twas in those times Democritus, content with Poverty, found out the Virtue of most Herbs; and le●t there might be any hidden Excellence in Stones and Trees, spent the rest of his Life in Experiments about them: 'Twas then Eudoxu● abandoned the World, to live on the top of a high Mountain, to discover the motions of the Heavens and Chrysippus, the better to qualify his mind for invention, went thrice through a course of Physic.  
But to return to Imagery, Lysippus with that diligence employed himself about one Statue, that, neglecting his Living, he died, for want: and Myron, whose brazen Images of Men and beasts, you might have mistaken for living ones, died very poor: but our Age is so wholly devoted to Drinking and Whoring, we're so far from inventing, that we don't acquaint ourselves even with those Arts that are found to our hands: But, accusing, Antiquity our Schools become Seminaries of Vice only what's our Logic? How little do we know of Astronomy? Where's our Philosopher? What Master of Eloquence could endure to hear it so murdered in a Pulpit? What Wise Man could suffer the noise? Our business in the Temple is not to inform our minds, or correct our lives; but as soon as we enter the place, one out of love to his Friend, being made his Heir, promises a Sacrifice to the Gods, if they'd please to take him out of this troublesome world; another, if they'd direct him to a Treasure: the like a third promises if they'd make him happy in a small Estate of 300. l. per An. or so: The very Senate that should show an Exemplary Conduct, in Occasions of doubtful Events, have devoted mighty sums of Gold to Religious uses: And who would not but admire, that, he is persuaded hath Charms enough to make the Gods themselves comply! You need not wonder why Painting is lost, when Gold appears more beautiful both to Gods and Men, than any thing Apelles or Phidias are now esteemed madly to have spent their time about: But seeing your Curiosity is wholly taken up with that piece, that shows you a contracted History of the Siege of Troy: I'll try to give you the Story more at large in Verse.  

Now Troy ●ad ●●lt a Si●g● of Ten long Years,  
Concern and Sorrow in each Face appears:  
The Grecian Prop●●t too, with Terror filled,  
What Fate decreed, but doubtfully revealed:   
When thus Apollo—  

From the proud Top of Ida's rising Hill  
A lofty Pile of mighty Cedar's fell,  
Whose Trunks into a dreadful Fabric force,  
And, let it bear the Figure of a Horse:  
The spacious hollows, of whose Mountain-Womb,  
The Choice and Flower of your Troops Entomb.   

The Greeks, enraged to be so long repelled,  
With their chief Troops the Beasts vast Bowels filled,  
And thus their Arms and all their Hopes concealed.  
Strange was the Fate that ruled unhappy Troy,  
Who thought them gone, and lasting Peace t'enjoy.  
So the Inscription of the Machine said,  
And Treacherous Sinon, for our ruin made.  
All from their Arms at once, and troubles run  
To view the Horse, and left th'unguarded Town:  
So overjoyed they wept: Thus even fears  
When joy surprises, melt away in Tears.  
Enraged Laocoon, with Prophetic heat,  
Pressed through the Crowd, that on his Humour wait;  
And with a Javelin pierced the fatal Horse,  
But Fate retards the blow, and stopped its force:  
The Spear jumped back upon the Priest, so nigh,  
It gave new Credit to the Treachery.  
Yet to confirm how weak was the attempt  
'Gainst what the Gods will have, his Javelin sent,  
Resumed with double fury, through his side,  
And the large Concave of the Machine tried:  
When from within the Captive Grecians roar;  
And the Beast trembles with another's fear.  
Yet to the Town the Present they convey,  
Thus a new Stratagem does Troy betray;  
While to the Taken, she becomes a Prey.  
But other Monsters there inform our Eyes,  
What mighty Seas from Tenedos arise!  
The frighted Neptune seems to se●k the Shore,  
With such a noise, with such a dreadful roar:  
As in a silent Night, when, from a●ar,  
The dismal sound of Wrecks invades the Ear:  
When rolling on the Waves two mighty Snake's,  
Unhappy Troy descried; whose circling Strokes,  
Had drov● the swelling surges on the Rocks.  
Like lofty Ships they on the Billows ride,  
And with raised Breasts the foaming Flood divide:  
Their Crests they brandish and red eyeballs raise●  
That all ar●●nd dispense a Sulphurous Bla●●.  
To Shore advancing, now the W●●es appear  
All Fire; unwonted ra●lings ●●ll th● Air.  
The Ocean trembles at their dreadful H●●s;  
All are amazed: When in a Trojan Dre●●;  
And holy Wreaths their sacred Temples bind,  
Laocoon's Sons were by the Snakes entwined:  
Now towards Heaven their Little Hands are thrown  
Each for his Brother, not himself does moan,  
And prays to save his ruin by his own.  
Both die at last, through fear each other should;  
And to give Death a greater Pomp, the Good Ground  
Laocoon to their rescue vainly run,  
Now gorged with Death, they drag him on the  
Up to the Altar, where devoted lies  
The Priest himself, a panting Sacrifice.  
Thus with his Blood the Temple they profane;  
Losing their Gods, Troy's ruin thus began:  
Now the bright Taper of the Night appears  
Gayly attended with a train of Stars:  
When midst the Trojans, dead in Sleep and Win●,  
The Grecians Execute their dire Design:  
W●en from the opened Caverns of the Horse,  
Like a large 'slud, their ●idden Troops did gush;  
And now delivered, leave their Horse and f●ar,  
With the same wanton motions Colts appear:  
When from the Blow, and ●●avy Collar freed,  
They shake their rising Crests, and try their speed.  
Their Swords they Brandish, and their Shields they r●ar,  
And ●ix their Helme●s, then begin the War:  
A Party●here o'th' Drunken Trojans light,  
And send them snoring to ●ternal Night;  
Another there now make their Altar's smoke,  
And against Troy, Troy's Guardian Gods invoke.   
When Eumolpus had gone thus far in his Story, the People that were walking there, began to ●ling Stones at him: But he, conscious of his Merit, covered his Head, and took up his Heels: I, fearing they would have taken me for a Poet too, made after him: When we were out of Stone shot of the Enemy, I beseech you, Sir, said I, what will you do with this Disease of yours? I don't wonder at the People's humour, since I have hardly been acquainted with you two hours, and your Entertainment has been more Poetry, than the Conversation of a Man. I think I must ●ill my Pocket with Stones, that when I perceive you going into a Fit● I may bleed you in the Head for it, with one of 'em.  
He turned to me, and, Dear Child, said he, I rose to day without consulting my Fortune; tho' 'tis confessed I seldom appear even on the Stage, but such a Mobb as this are Laughing at me: But that I may not be at difference with you too, I'll tie myself up from this humour of Poetry: Well, well, said I, on that condition I Sup with you; upon which, going into the poor Cottage I lodged at, we ordered the Master of it to get us a Supper, and in the mean time we went to the Bagnio, where I saw Gito standing against the Wall, with Towels and Rubbing-Brushes in his hand; his troubled Countenance easily persuaded me he served on Compulsion: As soon as he saw me, with joy Addressing himself, he told me, that since I was not in that Martial posture that once frighted him to belie his Affections, he could freely speak t● me, upon which he entreated me to pity his Circumstances; and, if I could but deliver him from so Barbarous a Master, since he was now sorry he was forced to be my judge, I might take my satisfaction in any Punishment I'd please to inflict; for, added he, i● I must die, 'twill be comfort enough to so unhappy a Wretch to think that you are pleased in't.  
I desired him wave his Complaints, le●t our Design should be discovered, and leaving Eumolpus (for in the Bath he was versifying) we made off through a dirty Back-Entry, as privately as we could to my Lodgings: Where, shutting the Door, I threw my Arms about his neck, and, tho' he was all in tears, half smothered him with Kisses: Thus we continued without a word from either side: Gito's repeated Sobs so disturbed him, he could not speak: When after a long time spent in that posture, how unaccountable is it, began I, to Love him that once forsook me! and that in this Breast I should feel so great a Wound, yet have no sign of its being there! what's your pretence for choosing Ascyltoes? Have I deserved such usage?  
After he found I still had Love for him, he began to look less concerned: When, added I, I'm so far from desiring an Umpire to judge of th' ingratitude of your Choice, that I neither complain of, or design to remember it; if I find you sincere.  
I could not tell him this without a Tear: When, wiping his face, says he, Eucolpius, I appeal to your Memory, whether I le●● you, or you betrayed me. I must confess, and hope you can't blame me; when I saw two at Daggers-Drawing, that I ran to the strongest.  
I could not but admire his Wit, and to convince him of a perfect Reconciliation, sealed it with repeated Kisses.  
'Twas now quite dark, and our Supper was Dishing up; when Eumolpus knocked at the Door: I asked how many there was of 'em: And took an opportunity through a Chink, to see whether Ascyltos was with him: But finding him alone, I soon opened the Door: He had hardly fixed himself on his Couch, when seeing Gito in waiting, on my word, said he, a very Ganymed; sure Eucolpius, you'll have no reason to complain to day.  
I did not like so observing an entry; and was afraid I had entertained another Ascyltoes. Eumolpus pursuing his Humour, when the Boy filled him a Glass, I had rather, said he, be in possession of thee, than the whole Bagnio; and greedily drinking it off, the heat I've been in, added he, made this the pleasantest Draught I ever took: For to deal freely with ye, I narrowly scaped a beating, for attempting, when I was in the Bath, to deliver my Thoughts of it in Verse: And after I was turned out of the Bagnio, as I used to be out of the Theatre; I searched every place, crying as loud as I could, Eucolpius, Eucolpius: A Naked Youth that had lost his clothes, as strongly Echoed back to me, Gito, ●ito: The Boys, believing me Mad, ridiculed me with their Mimikry: But the other was attended with a great Concourse of People, that with an awful Admiration praised the Youth: For Nature had so largely qualified him for a Lover, his Body seemed but as the Skirt of the mighty Member it bore: A lusty Rogue! I'll warrant, he'd maintain the Field four and twenty hours! He therefore soon found relief; for some Debauched Spark, a Roman Knight, as was reported, flung his Cloak over him, and took him home, with hopes I presume to engross so great a prize: But I was so far from meeting such Civility, that even my own clothes were kept from me, till I brought one that knew me, to satisfy 'em in my Character: So much more profitable 'tis to improve the Body, than the Mind.  
Whilst Eumolpus was telling his Story, I often changed Countenance: Looking glad at the ill Fortune of my Rival, but troubled at his good: Yet did not interrupt him, le●t he should discover my Concern; and when he had done, I told him what we had for Supper.  
I had hardly given him an account, ere our Entertainment came in: 'Twas common homely Food, but very nourishing: Our half starved Doctor attacked it very briskly, but when he had well filled himself, began to tell us, Philosophers were above the World; and to ridicule those that condemn every thing, because 'tis common, and only admire those things that are difficult to be had: These Vicious Appetites● added he, that despise what they can cheaply come by, never taste any thing pure, but, like sick Men, love only those things that are hurtful to 'em.  
What's soon obtained, we nauseously receive,  
All hate the Victory that's got with leave:  
We scorn the Goods our happy Isle brings forth,  
But love whatever is of foreign growth:  
Not that the Fish that distant Waters feed,  
Do those excel that in our Climate breed;  
But these are Cheaply taken, those came far,  
With difficulty got, and cost us dear:  
Thus the kind She, abroad, we admire above  
Th' insipid Lump, at Home, of Lawful Love●  
Yet once enjoyed, we straight a new desire,  
And absent Pleasures only do admire.  
Is this, said I, interrupting him, what you promised, that you would not versify to day again? I beseech you, Sir, at least spare us that never pelted you: For if any of the Inn should find we have a Poet in our Company, the whole neighbourhood would be raised, and we should die Martyrs for a wrong Opinion: If nothing else will make you pity us, think of the Gallery and Bath you c●me from: when I had treated him after this rate, the good Natured Gito, correcting me, said, I did very ill to rail at a Man so much my Elder; and that having offered a Gentleman the Courtesy of my Table, I should not so far forget good breeding, to affront him when he came: With many the like Expressions, attended with a blush at their delivery, that extremely became him.  
Happy the Woman, said Eumolpus, that's blest with such a Son! Heaven increase your Virtue; so much sense, and so much beauty we seldom meet with in any one Person: But, le●t you should think your Civility thrown away, you have found a Lover for it: I'll give th● World your Praises in Verse: I'll be your Servant, your Guardian, and will follow you every where: Nor can Eucolpius think himself injured, he Loves another.  
Eumolpus was obliged to the Soldier that robbed me of my Sword, else I had turned the fury upon him I meant for Ascyltos: Gito reading it in my Countenance, under pretence of fetching Water, prudently withdrew: And allayed my heat, by removing one cause of it: But my rage reviving, Eumolpus, said I, I had rather have heard even your Verses, than you propose to yourself such hopes: I am very Passionate, and you are very Lustful: Consider how improbable 'tis we should agree; believe therefore●I am mad, and humour the Frenzy; that is, be gone immediately.  
At this Eumolpus was in great Confusion, and, without ask the occasion of my Passion, presently made out: But drawing the Door after him, what I did not in the least suspect, he locked me in, and stealing the Key out of the Door, ran in pursuit of Gito.  
The Rage I was in to be so abused, put me upon Hanging myself; and having tied an Apron, I found in the Room, to the Bedstead, committed my Neck to the Noose I had made with its Strings: When Eumolpus and Gito came to the Door, and entering, prevented my Design: Gito, his Grief growing to a Rage, made a great outcry, and forcing me on the Bed, you're mistaken, said he, Eucolpius, if you fancy it possible for you to die before me: I was first in t●e Design, and had not survived my choice of Ascyltoes; if I had met with an Instrument of Death: But had not you come to my Relief in the Bath, I had resolved to throw myself out of the Window: And that you may know how ready Death is to wait those that desire it; see— I've got that you so lately endeavoured.  
Upon which, having snatched a Razor from Eumolpus' Servant, he struck three or four times at his Throat, and fell down before us; frighted at the Accident, I cried out, and falling upon him e'er he had reached the Ground, with the same Weapon endeavoured to follow him: But neither had Gito any appearance of a Wound, nor did I feel myself hurt: For it happened to be a dull Raisor, designly made so, to prepare Learners of the Art to handle a sharper: Which was the reason Eumolpus did not offer to prevent our Mimic Deaths, nor his Man look concerned when the Raisor was snatched from him.  
While this Scene was Acting, the Innkeeper came in upon us, with the other part of our Supper; and viewing the obscene posture we were in, I beseech you, Sirs, said he, are ye Drunk, or have fled Justice, and are Acting it on yourselves, or both? ho! who was going to make a Gibbet of the Bed? What private designs are here on foot? What— was your going out but now with intent to Bilk me? But you shall feel for't: I'll soon make ye know who rules here.  
What, you Rascal, Cries Eumolpus, do you threat too? And without more ado flung his Fist in his face: The Innkeeper took up an Earthen Pitcher we so oft had emptied, and sending it at Eumolpus, broke his Forehead, and immediately ran down Stairs: Eumolpus, impatient of Revenge, snatching up a great Wooden Candlestick, made after him; and pouring his blows very thick on the Innkeeper, repaired the injury with Interest: This alarmed the whole House, and whilst the rest of his Guests, that by this time were most of 'em Drunk; ran to see what was the matter, taking an opportunity to revenge the injury Eumolpus had offered me, I locked him out; and turning thus his trick upon himself, at once, enjoyed the Bed and Board without a Rival.  
In the mean time, the Islanders (that came in at the bustle) and Cooks with all their Kitchen Artillery set upon Eumolpus: One throws at his head a hot Spit with the Meat on't; another with a Pitchfork puts himself in a Martial posture against him; but especially a Blear-eyed Old Woman, who tucking up the dirty Apron she had about her, with one Shoe on, and another off, hall'd a great Mastiff and set him at Eumolpus: But with the wooden Candlestick he defended himself against all his Enemies.  
We saw all through a Hole they had made by wrenching the Latch from the Door: I wished him well you may imagine; but Gito had Compassion, and would have succoured the Distressed Eumolpus; upon which, my Rage continuing, I gave his pitying Head two or three blows with my Fist; he sat down on the Bed and cried: But I so eagerly plied the Hole, I made my Eyes relieve each other; and, encouraging the People against him, with great satisfaction beheld the conslict: when the Bailiff of the Island, one Bargates, whom the Scuffle had raised from Supper; was brought into the Room, supported by others Legs, for he was so troubled with the Gout, he could not use his own: And having in his Clownish manner, with a great deal of heat, made a long Harangue against Drunkards and Vagabonds, looking on Eumolpus, ha! what is it you, says he, the Excellent Poet? What— has these Rogues been abusing you all this while?  
At what time he goes up to Eumolpus, and in a whisper, I have a Maid, says he, that flouts at me when I ask her the Question; Prithee, if you have any Love for me, abuse her in a Copy of Verses till she's ashamed of herself.  
While Eumolpus was thus engaged with Bargates, the Crier of the Town, and some other Officer, attended with a great Concourse of People, entered the Inn; and, shaking a smoky rather than lighted Torch he carried, mouths out this; viz.  
Not long ago run away from the Bath, a very pretty Boy, with curled Hair, by Name, Gito.  
If any Man, or Woman, in City, or Country, can tell Tale or Tidings of him, shall have for his Reward 1000 Sesterces.  
Not far from the Crier, stood Ascyltoes, Clad with a Coat of many Colours; who, to encourage any Discoverer, held the Reward in a Silver Charger before him.  
Upon this, I ordered Gito to steal under the Bed, and thrust his F●●t and Hands through the Cords; that, as Vl●sses formerly hid in a S●eeps Hide, so extended he might cheat the Searchers.  
Gito immediately obeyed the motion, and fixing himself, as I directed, outdid ulysses in his Native Art: But, that I might leave no room for Suspicion, I so disposed the Bed-Cloaths, that none could believe more than myself had lain there.  
We had just done, when Ascyltos, with a Beadle, having searched the other Chambers, came to ours, which gave him greater hopes, because he found the Door so barred: But the Petty Officer he brought, with an Iron Crow, for●'d it open.  
Upon Ascyltos' Entry, I threw myself at his feet, and beseeched him, if he had any memory of our past Friendship; or any respect for one that ●ad sha●'d Misfortunes with him, he would at least let me see the still dear Gi●o: A●d to give my sham-intreaties a better colour, I see, says I, Ascyltos, you are come with Designs on my Life; for to what other end could you bring those Ministers of Justice? Therefore satisfy your Rage, behold my naked Bosom, let out that Blood, which, under pretence of a search, you come to seek.  
Ascyltos, now laying aside his old grudge to me; professed he came in pursuit of nothing but Gito, that had run from him; nor desired the Death of any Man, much more of one that falls before him; and whom, after a fatal Quarrel with him, he held most dear.  
The Petty Officer was not so easy to me, for taking a Stick out of the InnKeeper'● hand, he felt under the Bed with it, and run it into every Hole he ●ound in the Wall: Gito drew his Body ●ut of the Stick's way, and, breathing as ●●ntly as ●●ar could make him, held his ●outh close to the Cords.  
They were hardly gone, ere Eumolpus boun●●d in upon us, for the broken ●oor could s●op no body; and, in a g●●at h●at, cried out●●'ll earn the Reward: I'll make a●t●r the Crier, and let him know how soon Gito may be in his Custody.  
Eumolpus pursuing his design, I kissed his Knees, and entreated him not to anticipate the ●nd of dying Men; you would be justly angry, added I, if you should discover to 'em how you are deceived: The Boy run into the Crowd undiscovered, and where he is gone, myself can't suspect. I beseech you, Eumolpus, bring back the Boy, or at least restore him even to Ascyltos.  
Just as I had worked him to a belief, Gito, with restraining his breath, sneesed thrice so throughly, that he shook the Bed; at which Eumolphus, turning about, saluted him with, God bless you, Sir; and, taking the Bedding aside, saw the little Ulysses, who might have raised Compassion, even in a Bloodthirsty Cyclops; then looking u●on me, Thou Villain, says he, how have you shamm'd me? Durst you not tell truth, even when you was catched in a Roguery? If some God, that has the ●are of Humane Affairs, had not forced the Boy to discover himself, I had wandered in search of him to a sine purpose. But Gito, that could ●awn much better than I, took a Cobweb dipped in Oil, and applied to the Wound in his Forehead: And, changing his torn Coat for his own Mantle, embraced the now reconciled Eumolpus, and s●uck to his Lips; at last he ●pok●, and, Our Lives, said he, most indulgent Father, our Lives are in your power; if you love your Gito, convince him that you do, by preserving him: O! could I now meet a Grave in flames or waves, that I, the only cause of all, might end your Quarrels with my life.  
Eumolpus, concerned at our grief, and particularly mindful of Gito's tenderness to him; surely, says he, ye are the greatest of Fools, who have Souls enriched with Virtues, that may make ye happy, yet live a continued Martyrdom, raising to yourselves every day new Occasions of grief; I, wherever I am, make my Life as pleasant and free from trouble, as if I expected no more of it: If you'll imitate me, never let Cares disturb your Quiet. And to avoid Ascyltoes that haunts ye in these parts, I am taking a Voyage to a Foreign Country, and should be glad of your Company: I believe to morrow Night I shall go on board the Vessel: I am very well known there, and you need not doubt of a Civil Entertainment.  
His advice appeared to me both wise, and profitable; for at once it delivered me from Ascyltos, and gave me hopes of living more happy: Thus obliged by Eumolpus' good nature, I was sorry for the late injury I had done him, and began to repent I appeared his Rival, since it had occasioned so many Disasters.  
At last, with Tears, I beseeched him to be Friends with me too, for that it was not in a Rival's power to bond his Rage; yet, that I would try neither to say, or do any thing that may offend him: And hoped so wise and good a Man as he, would leave in his Mind no sign of a former Quarrel: for 'twas with Men as with Countries, on rude and neglected Grounds Snows lay very long, but where the fruitful Earth was improved by Culture, they presently melt off, and hardly leave a Print behind: Thus unfashioned Minds can't discharge their Passions suddenly, but where Souls are enriched with instruction, they but appear, and vanish.  
And to confirm the Truth of what you say, returned Eumolpus, all my heat expires in this Kiss; but, to prevent the designs of your Enemies, hasten with your Wallets, and either follow me, or, if ye like it, act the Leaders.  
He had not done speaking, when, hearing the Door move, we turned about, and saw a Seaman, with a Beard that made him appear terribly Grim: who saluted Eumolpus with a Why d'ye stay, as if you did not kn●w how near the time ' 'twas?  
All immediately prepare for the March, Eumolpus Loads his Servant, who had been all this while asleep; I, and Gito, packed our Things together, and, thanking our Stars, entered the Vessel.  
We fixed ourselves, as much out of the way as we could, under Deck; and it being not yet day, Eumolpus fell a-sleep: I, and Gito, could not take a wink: When reflecting afresh, that I had harboured in my Acquaintance, a Rival more powerful than Ascyltoes; I began to be much troubled: But wisely allaying my Grief, I thus reasoned with myself. Is it so troublesome to share what we love? when the best of Nature's works are in common? The Sun throws his Rays on all. The Moon, with her infinite train of Stars, serves to light even Beasts to their Fodder: What below can boast an Excellence of Nature above the Waters? Yet they ●low in public for the use of all: Only Love se●ms sweeter stolen, than when it's given us: So it is, we esteem nothing, unless 'tis envied by others; but what have I to ●ear in a Rival, that Age and Impotence conspire to render disagreeable? Who, when he has an inclination, his Body jades under him before he can reach the Goal.  
When I had cheated myself with this assurance, I muffled my Head in my Coat, and feigned myself asleep: But on a sudden, as if Fortune had resolved to ruin my Quiet; I heard one above Deck groaning out: And has he scorned me● This struck me with a trembling, for it was a Man's voice, and one I was afraid I knew: But at a greater distance, with the same heat, I heard a Woman Lamenting: O that some God● said she, would bring my Gito to my Arms; tho' he banished himself thence; how kindly would I receive him!  
So unexpected a thing drove the colour from our Cheeks: I especially, as in a Trance, was a long time speechless; when, trembling with fear, I pulled Eumolpus by the Coat, who was now asleep; and I beseech you Father, said I, do you know the owner of this V●ss●l, or who the Passengers are? He was very angry to be disturbed: And was it for this Reason, said he, that we chose the most private place in the Ship; that none but yourself might disturb us: Or what will it signify if I tell you, that one Lycus a Tarentine owns her, and is carrying one Tryph●ena to Tarentum?  
For a while I stood like one Thunderstruck, when opening my Bosom, I trembling, cried out; At last, Fortune, you have ruined every part of me: For Gito, my better half, leaned on my Breast, as if he'd breathed his last: When our sweeting through fear, had a little recovered our Spirits; I fell at Eumolpus feet, and increated him to have Compassion of two dying Wretches: That is, to assist us in the Means of escaping the impending Mischief: Tho' Death, I added, would be more grateful to us, if the Happiness of enjoying you, did not make us desire Life.  
Eumolpus was glad to serve us, and swore by all that's sacred, he was privy to no Design against us; and that he had very innocently brought us hither, for no other end, than for our Company, having hired the Vessel before he was acquainted with us: But what designs on your Lives are here? added he, O●, have we a Pirate Hannibal on board? Lycus, continued he, a very Honourable Man, is not only Master and owner of this Vessel, but of a good Estate; and having inclinations to Tra●●ick, freights his Ve●sel himself: Is this the terrible Cyclops? Is this the dreadful Cutthroat, we must pay our Carriage to? And besides him, is the Beautiful Tryphoena that other Emblem of Terror, who for her pleasure only goes with Lycus.  
These are the very two, replied Gito, we strove to avoid: And, in a low voice, made Eumolpus, that trembled at the Story, at once understand the Occasions of their Malice to us, and our present danger.  
Eumolpus was so distracted in his thoughts, he could not advise, but bid each of us give him his Opinion; and presume, says he, we had just entered the Cyclops Den, where Jove's Thunderbolts are made. We must seek a means of delivery, except we design to free us from all Danger, by sinking the Vessel.  
No, no, began Gito, rather offer the Pilot a Reward, to direct the Vessel to some Port: And affirm the Sea so disagrees with your Friend, that if he is not ●o Kind, you fear he'll die: You may colour the pretence with Tears, and appear much concerned, that, moved with Compassion, the Pilot may befriend you.  
Eumolpus replied, that could not be effected; for not only the difficulty of guiding so great a Ship to a Port, but a Suspicion he would necessarily have, that his Friend could not be so suddenly very ill, conspired against it: Then next, perhaps● Lycus would have a Curiosity to visit his sick Passenger: Can you propose to escape by a means that will discover ye to him yeed avoid? But presuming the Ship could be stopped in her rapid Course, and that Lycus should not visit his sick on Board: How can we get out, but all must see us? With our Heads muffled, or bare? if covered, we move every one to lend a hand to sick Persons; if bare, we discover ourselves.  
A desperate Disease, said I, must have a desperate Cure; I know no better Expedient of our delivery, than to slide into a long Boat, and cutting the Cord, leave the rest to Fortune: Nor do I desire Eumolpus to share the Danger: For what would it signify to involve an innocent Person in other men's deserved Misfortunes? We shall think ourselves happy, if Fortune be kind.  
'Twas not ill advised, said Eumolpus, if it could be done; for do you think to stir in the Ship unobserved, when the distant motion of the Stars themselves can't escape the Pilot's diligence? You must pass the only guarded part of the Ship, near which place the Rope that holds the Boat is tied: Besides, Eucolpius, I wonder you did not remember that one Seaman was upon constant duty night and day in the Boat itself; nor will be moved from his Post, without you cut his Throat, or fling him overboard; which consider whether you can dare attempt; for my part, to go with you I would refuse no danger that could give me the least hopes of getting off; but to put so low a value on life, to throw it away as an useless things I believe even yourselves are unwilling: Hear whether you like my Proposal, I'll put ye into two Mantles I have here, and making Holes to breathe and eat through, will place you amongst my other Goods for Baggage; next morning I alarm the whole Ship, crying out, my servants, fearing a greater punishment, in the night jumped into the Sea; that when the Ship made to land, I might carry you off for Baggage.  
Very well, said I, but do you design to tie us as Stocks, within which Nature does not labour to be freed; or as those that use to sneeze and snore? Or, because I once succeeded in a like deceit? But suppose we could hold out a day so tied up, what shall we do if we're put to't longer? Will the thoughts of a quiet life without cares, or of our adverse fortune entertain us most? our very clothes long bound up will rot upon our backs: Can we, d'ye think, that are young, and not inur'd to labour, endure to be clad like Statues, and wear our cords as insensibly? Since we are yet to seek a way of escape, for no Proposal has been made without an objection; see what I have thought on: The studious Eumolpus, I presume, never goes unfurnished with ●nk; is there a better Expedient, than washing our hands, face, and hair, with that, to appear like Aethiopian Slaves? when without wring our Limbs, we can't but be merry, to act a Cheat, that so neatly imposes on our enemies?  
And why would not you have us Circumcised too, interrupted Gito, that we ma● appear like Jews; and have our Ears bored, to persuade them we came from Arabia? and why did not you advise our Faces to be Chalked as well as Inked, that we might pass for Frenchmen, as if our Colour would make such a mighty Alteration? Has a Foreigner but one mark of distinction? Can you think any body so ignorant to mistake you for one, by that sign only? Grant our daubed faces would keep their Colour: Suppose it would not wash off, nor our clothes stick to the Ink, how can we imitate their black swollen Lips? the short curl of their hair? the seams on their foreheads? their circular way of treading? their splay feet? or the mode of their Beards? an artificial Colour rather stains than altars the body; but, if you'll be ruled by a madman, let's cover our heads, and jump into the Sea.  
Nor Heaven nor Man, cried Eumolpu●, could suffer ye make so ill an end; rather pursue this advice: My Slave, as you may imagine by the Razor, is a piece of a Barber; let him shave not only your Heads, but, as a mark of greater punishment, your Eyebrows too, and I'll finish your disguise with an Inscription on your Foreheads, that you may appear as Slaves branded for some extraordinary Villainy: Thus the same Letters will at once divert their suspicion, and conceal your Countenances under the mask of punishment.  
We liked the advice, and hastened the execution, when stealing to the side of the Vessel, we committed our Heads and Eyebrows to the Barber: Eumolpus in the mean time filled our Foreheads with great Letters, and very liberally dispensed the known marks of Fugitives through the other parts of our Faces; one of the Passengers, easing his o'ercharged stomach o'er the side of the Ship, by the Moon perceiving the reflection of a Barber busy at so unseasonable a time, and, cursing the Omen that he thought presaged a Shipwreck, ran to his Hammock; upon which we dissembled the same, but indeed had an equal though different concern; and the noise over, we spent the rest of the night without resting much.  
The next day Eumolpus, when he found Tryph●ena was stirring, went to visit Lycus; and after he had talked with him about the happy Voyage he hoped from the clearness of the Heavens, Lycus, turning to Tryph●ena, Methoughts, said he, about midnight the Vision of Priapus appeared to me, and told me, he had lately brought into my Ship Eucolpius that I sought for: Tryph●ena was startled, And you'd swear we slept together, replied she, for methoughts the Image of Neptune having struck his Trident thrice against the Baj●e, told me that in Lycas' Ship I should meet my Gito.  
Hence proceeds, said Eumolpus, interrupting 'em, that Veneration I pay the Divine Epicurus, who so wittily has discovered such illusions.  
W●en in a Dream presented to our view,  
Those airy Forms appear so like the true;  
Nor Heaven nor H●ll the fancied Visions sends,  
But every breast it's own delusion lends:  
For when soft sleep the body wraps in ease,  
And from th' unactive mass our fancy frees,  
Whatever 'tis in which we take delight,  
And think of most by day, we dream at night.  
Thus he, the now sacked City justly feared,  
Who all around had ●eath and ruin shared.  
From fancied 〈…〉 a darkened sky,  
And Troops 〈…〉 in confusion fly:  
There the 〈…〉 pomp of Kings; here  
Conscious 〈…〉 drowned in blood, appear.  
He that by 〈…〉 noised it at the Bar,  
Of Knave's 〈◊〉 ●ools now sees the great resort,  
And to meet 〈◊〉 vainly ●●ars in Court.  
Miser's amid●● their heaps are raising new,  
And think they oft their old ●id treasure view.  
And Huntsmen the imagined Chase p●●s●●.  
The Merchant dreams of Wrecks, the Ship would save,  
Or now, by sinking it, himself preserve.  
The Mistress to her distant lover writes;  
And, as awake, with flames and darts indites:  
The Goodwife dreaming of her Stallion's charms,  
Oft seeks the pleasure in her Cuckold's arms.  
Dogs on full cry, in sleep, the Hare pursue,  
And hapless wretches their old griefs renew.  
But Lycus, when he had thanked his Stars for their care of him, That we may not seem, said he, to condemn the Divine Powers, what hinders but we search the Vessel?  
Upon which one Aesius, the Passenger that had discovered us by our reflection in the water, cried out, these are the men that were shaved by Moonshine to night. Heaven avert the Omen! I thought the Ceremony of cutting the Nails and Hair, was never performed but as a solemn Sacrifice to appease a Storm.  
Is't so, says Lycus, in a great heat, did any in the Ship of●er to shave themselves, and at midnight too? bring 'em quickly hither, that I may know who they are that deserve to die a sacrifice for our safety.  
'Twas I, quoth Eumolpus, commanded it, not wishing ill to the Ship, but ease to myself; for they are my Slaves, and having long staring hairs, I ordered the uncomely ●ight to be taken away; not only that I might not seem to make a Prison of the Ship● but that the mark of their Villainy might more plainly appear; and to let you know how richly they deserve the punishment; among other Rogueries, they robbed me of a considerable sum of Money, and spent it with all the luxury of rich Debauches, on a Trull that was at both their services, whom I catcht them with last night. In short, they yet smell of the Wine they profusely gave themselves with my Money.  
Lycus, that the offenders might atone for their crime, ordered each of them forty stripes; we were immediately brought to the place of Execution; where the enraged Seamen set upon us with Ropes-ends, and tried to offer our blood a sacrifice for their safety. I bore three stripes very Heroically. Gito, who had not so much passive valour at the first blow, set up such an outcry that the known sound of his voice reached Tryph●ena's ear; who in great disorder attended with her Maids, that were all like herself surprised at the voice, run to the sufferer.  
Gito's admirable beauty had softened their rage, and seemed without speaking to entreat their favour; when the Maids unanimously cried out, 'tis Gito, 'tis Gito; hold your barbarous hands, help Madam, 'tis Gito!  
Tryph●ena to their cry inclined her Ears, that already had anticipated her belief, and with eager haste flew to the Boy.  
Upon which Lycus that knew me very well, as much satisfied as he had heard my voice, ran to me, and taking my other parts on content, with a lascivious diligence directed his eyes and hands to my Codpiece, where satisfied by good tokens, your servant Eucolpus, says he, 'twill be no wonder how Euryclea that nursed Ulysses, at his return after twenty years' absence, should know him by a scar in his forehead, when 'tis considered, the most discreet Lycus, not beholden to the marks of any seen part of the body, so judiciously discovered me by the most hid: Tryph●ena, having cheated herself into a belief that those marks of slavery we wore on our foreheads were real, wept; and began in a low voice, to inquire what Prison could stop us in our Rambles; or whose so cruel hands could finish such a punishment without reluctancy. I confess, added she, they deserve some punishment with whom their Masters are so ju●●ly angry.  
Lycus was in a great heat at Tryph●ena's tenderness. And thou foolish Woman, said he, can you believe, those marks were cut before the Ink was laid? We should be too happy were those stains not to be rubbed off, and had justly been, as they designed us, the subject of their laughter, if we had suffered ourselves to be so grossly imposed on in a shame Inscription.  
Tryph●ena, who was not yet unmindful of our former amours, would have pitied us. When Lycus, still resenting the abuse he received in his vitiated Wife, and the affronts at the Porch of Herculeses Temple, with greater rage cried out, I thought you had been convinced Tryph●ena, that Heaven has the care of humane affairs, when it not only brought our Enemies into our power, which they strove to avoid, but revealed it in a vision to us both; see what you'll get by pardoning them, whom Heaven itself has brought to punishment, for my part, I am not naturally so cruel, but am afraid the judgement I should prevent from justly falling upon, others, may light on my own head.  
This superstitious Harangue, turned Tryphaena from hindering our punishment to hasten its execution. When she began afresh as highly to resent the former affronts that was offered her● as Lycus did the repute of his modesty that he had lost in the people's esteem.  
When Lycus found Tryphaena was with himself eagerly inclined to revenge, he ordered to increase our punishments, which when Eumolpus perceived, he endeavoured to mitigate after this manner.  
I pity the wretches, said he, that lie at your mercy.— Lycus, they implore your compassion, and choosing me as a man not altogether unknown to 'em to perform the office, desire to be reconciled to them they once held most dear. Can you believe, 'twas by accident they fell into your hands, when all Passengers make it their chief business to inquire to whose care they are to trust themselves? When you are satisfied of their intentions, can you be so barbarous to continue your revenge, but suffer free born men to go uninjured where they have designed. Even barbarous and implacable Masters allay their cruelty when their Slaves repent; and all give quarter to the Enemy that surrenders himself. What can you, or will you desire more? you have at your feet repenting Supplicants; they're Gentlemen, and men of worth; and what's more prevailing than both, were once caressed as your dearest Friends. Had they robbed you of your Money, or betrayed your trust, by Hercules the punishment they've inflicted on themselves might have satisfied your rage; don't you see the marks of Slaves on their Faces; who, though free, to atone their injuries to you, prescribed themselves.  
To avoid confusion, interrupted Lycus, give me a reason for all particulars as I shall ask you; and first, if they came with design to surrender themselves, why did they cut off their hair? for all Disguises are assumed rather to deceive than satisfy the injured.  
Next, if they expected to ingratiate themselves by their Ambassador, why have you endeavoured in every thing, to conceal them you were to speak for? whence it plainly appears, 'twas by accident the offenders were brought to punishment, and that you have used this Artifice to divert our suspicion.  
Sure you thought to raise our envy, by ringing in our ears, that they were Gentlemen, and Men of Worth; but have a care their cause don't suffer by your impudence; what should the injured do when the guilty come to ●em to be punished? and if they were my friends, they deserve to be more severely treated; for he that wrongs a stranger is called a Rogue, but he that serves a Friend so, is little less than a Parricide.  
I am sensible, said Eumolpus, answering this dreadful Harangue, that nothing could happen to these unhappy Young men more unfortunate, than the cutting their hair off at midnight, which is the only argument that may persuade you to mistake their voluntary coming here, for accidental; but I shall as candidly endeavour to undeceive you, as it was innocently acted: before they embarked they had designs to ease their heads of that, as troublesome as useless weight, but the unexpected wind that hastened us on board, made 'em de●er it; nor did they suspect it to be of any moment where 'twas done, being equally ignorant of the ill Omen, and Customs of Mariners.  
What advantage, replied Lycus, could they propose to themselves by the loss of their hair? unless they thought baldness might sooner raise our compassion: Or can you believe I would be satisfied in your relation? when addressing himself to me, What Poison, said he, thou Villain has eat your hair off? To what God have your Sacrilegious hands offered it?  
The fear of punishment struck me speechless; nor could I find any thing to urge in my defence against so plain an accusation. Then the confusion I was in, my disfigured face, with the equal baldness of my Head and Eyebrows, gave a ridiculous air to every thing I said or did; but when they wiped us with a wet Sponge, the Letters melting into one, spread o'er our Faces such a sooty cloud that turned Lycas' rage to a perfect loathing. Eumolpus could not endure to see freeborn men against all Law and Justice so abused, and returning their threats with blows, not only was our advocate but Champion too. He was seconded by his Man and two or three sick Passengers appeared our Friends, that served ●ather to encourage us, than increase our force.  
Upon which I was so far from begging pardon, that without any respect I held my Fists at Tryphaena, and plainly told her she should feel me, if her lecherous Ladyship, who only in the Ship deserved to be punished, was not content to decline her pretensions to Gito.  
The Angry Lycus was all rage at my impudence; and very impatient of revenge when he found, without any concern for my own cause, I only stood up for another's.  
Nor was Tryphaena less disturbed at my contempt of her; at what time every one in the Vessel choose his side, and put himself in a posture of defence.  
On our side Eumolpus' Slave distributed the Instruments of his Trade, and reserved a Razor to defend his own person; on the other, Tryphaena and her Attendance advanced, armed with nothing but their Nails and Tongues; which last supplied the want of Drums in their Army; when the Pilot, crying out, threatened he would leave the Ship to the mercy of the waves if they continued the bustle raised about the lust of two or three Vagabonds.  
This did not in the least retard the sight; they pressing for revenge, we for our lives: In short, many fell half dead on both sides; others withdrew, as from greater Armies, to be dressed of their Wounds; yet this damps not the rage of either side.  
Then the bold Gito drawing out that part of him, Tryphaena most admired, clapped a bloody Razor to't, and threatened to cut away the cause of all our Misfortunes. But Tryphaena did not saintly send to prevent so cruel an act: I often offered at my Throat too, but with as little design to kill myself as Gito to do what he threatened: He the more boldly handled his because he knew it to be the same blunt Razor he had used before; which made Tryphaena very apprehensive of his Tragic intentions.  
Upon this, both sides drew up their ranks, when the Pilot perceiving how Commical a War it was, with much ado was persuaded to let Tryphaena dispatch an Herald to capitulate: Articles immediately according to the Custom of Countries being mutually agreed off on both sides; Tryphaena snatched an Olive-branch, the Ensign of Peace, that stuck to the Image of Prosperity pictured in the Ship, and holding it in the midst of us, thus addressed herself.  
What fury did these sudden broils engage,  
How have these guiltless hands deserved the rage?  
No Paris a stolen Dame to Troy conveys,  
No Witch Medea here her Brother s●ays:  
But sighted love must needs resenting be:  
And midst the waves who is the raging he  
Now robbed of Arms that can attempt my fate?  
By whom is simple death so little thought?  
Let not your murderous rage out storm the Seas,  
And dangers of the angry waves increase.  
When in a great heat Tryphaena had thus said, both Armies stood still a while, and reviving the Treaty of Peace, put a stop to the War. Our Captain Eumolpus prudently used the occasion of her repentance, and having first severely chastised Lycus, signed the Articles: Which were as follow.  
Tryphaena, You do from the bottom of your heart, as you are in perfect mind, promise never to complain of any injury you have received from Gito; nor men●ion, upbraid him with, or study to revenge directly or indirectly any action of his before this day; and to prevent your forcing him to an unwilling compliance, be it further agreed, that you never kiss, coll, or bring him to a closer hug, without the forfeiture of 100 Denarii: And for better security, that you always pay your Mon●, before you have your Ware.  
Item, You Lycus, from the bottom of your heart, as you are in perfect mind; do promise never to reproach, or insultingly treat Eucolpius, either in Words, or Gestures: And that you never offer at his Breeches, but, on the forfeiture of 200 Denarij for each time you abuse him, behind his back.  
Conditions thus agreed on, we laid down our Arms: And, lest my grudge might still remain, wipe off the memory of all things past, in repeated Kisses.  
All Quarrels expired in universal shouts, and a sumptuous Banquet that followed, spread equal Mirth through the whole Company: The Vessel rung with Songs, the Ensigns of their Joy: And the occasion of a sudden Calm, gave other diversions: Here a little Artist bobbed for Fish, that rising, seemed with haste to meet their ruin: There another draws the unwilling Prey, that he had betrayed on the Hook, with an inviting Bait: When looking up, we saw Sea-Birds sitting on the Sailyard, about which, one skilled in that Art, having placed LimeTwigs, made 'em his booty. Their downy Feathers, the Air whirled about: The other, the Sea vainly tossed too and fro.  
Now Lycus began to be friends with me: And Tryphaena, as a Mark of her Love, threw the bottom of her Wine upon Gito: At what time, Eumolpus, quite Drunk, aimed at Raillery on those that were Bald and Branded; till having spent his life-less Stock, he returned to his Verses; and designing an Elegy on the loss of Hair, thus began.  
Nature's chief Ornament, the Hair is lost,  
Those vernal Locks, feel Winter's blast:  
Now the Bald Temples mourn their Banished shade,  
And Bristles shine o'th' Sunburnt Head.  
The Joys, deceitful Nature does fir●t pay  
Our Age, it snatches first away.  
Unhappy Mortal, that but now  
The lovely grace of Hair, didst know:  
Bright as the Sun's, or Cynthia's Beam●,  
Now worse than Brass, and only seems  
Like th' Mushroons, that in Gardens springs.  
From sporting Girls, you'll frighted run,  
And that Death will the sooner come:  
Know that part of your Head is gone.  
He would have condemned us to hear more, and I believe worse than the former; if an Attendant of Tryphaena, had not disturbed him: Who taking Gito aside, dressed him up in her Mistress' Tower; and to restore him perfectly to his former Figure● drawing false Eyebrows out of her Patch-Box, placed 'em so exactly, Nature might have mistaken 'em for her own work.  
At the fight of the true Gito, Tryphaena wept for joy: Who, not before, could hug him with so real a satisfaction.  
I was glad to see his loss so well repaired: Yet, often hid my Head, as sensible I appeared with no common deformity, whom even Lycus thought not worth speaking to: But 'twas not long ere the same Maid came to my relief, and calling me aside, dressed me in a Peruke no less agreeable: For being of Golden Locks, it rather improved my Complexion.  
But, Eumolpus, our Advocate, and Reconciler, to Entertain the Company, and keep up the Mirth; began to be pleasant on the inconstancy of Women: How forward they were to Love, how soon ye forgot their Sparks: And that no woman was so chaste, but her untried Lust● might be raised to a Fury: Nor would he bring instances from ancient Tragedies, or Personages celebrated to Antiquity: But Entertain us, if we would please to hear, with a Story within the Circle of his own Memory: upon which the Eyes and Ears of all were devoted to him: Who thus began.  
There was at Ephesus a Lady, of so Celebrated virtue● that the Women of Neighbouring Nations came to join their admiration with that of her own Country: This Lady at the death of her Husband not content with tearing her Hair, or beating her Breast, those common expressions of grief; but following him into the Vault, where the Body placed in a Monument, she, after the Grecian Custom, watched the Corpse, and whole Nights and Days continued weeping; the persuasions of Parents nor Relations could divert her grief, or make her take any thing to preserve life: The public Officers at last, she guarding the Body for 'em, left the Vault; and lamented by all for so singular an example of grief, lived thus five days without Eating.  
All left her but a faithful Maid, who with tears supplied her afflicted Lady, and as often as the Lamp they had by, began to expire, renewed the light; by this time she became the talk of the whole Town; and all degrees of Men confessed, she was the only true example of Love and Chastity.  
In the mean time there happening a Trial of Criminals, the Condemned were ordered to be Crucify'd near the Vault in which the Lady was weeping o'er the Corpse of her late Husband. The Soldier that guarded the Bodies lest any might be taken from the Cross and buried, the night after observed a light in the Vault, and hearing the Groans of some afflicted person, pressed with a curiosity common to Mankind, he desired to know, who, or what it was? Upon which he entered the Vault, and seeing a very beautiful Woman, amazed at first, he fancied 'twas a spirit, but viewing the dead Body, and considering her tears and torn face, he soon guest, as it was, that the Lady could not bear the lo●s of her Husband: he brings his Supper with him into the Vault, and began to persuade the mournful Lady not to continue her unnecessary grief, nor with vain complaints consume her health: That death was common to all M●n; and many other things he told her, that use to restore afflicted persons to that calmness they before enjoyed: But ●he moved anew at the comfort a stranger offered, redoubled her grief, and tearing her Hair, cast it on the Body that lay before her.  
The Soldier however did not withdraw, but with the like invitations o●●er'd her somewhat to eat, till her Maid o'ercome, I presume, by the pleasing scent of the Wine, no longer could resist the Soldier's Courtesy. When refreshed with the Entertainment, she began to join her persuasions to win her Lady; and what advantage, began she, would you reap in starving yourself? in burying yourself alive? What would it signify to anticipate your fate?  
D'ye think departed Souls will value it?  
Will you, Madam, in spite of Fate, revive your Husband? Or will you shake off these vain complaints, the marks of our Sex's weakness, and enjoy the World while you may? The very Body that lies there might make you envy life.  
We don't unwillingly obey when we're commanded to eat or live. The Lady now dry with so long fasting, suffered herself to be o'ercome; nor was less pleased with her Entertainment, than her Maid that first surrendered. You know with what thoughts encouraging meats inspire young persons. With the same Charms our Soldier had won her to be in love with life, he addressed himself as a Lover; nor did his person appear less agreeable to the chaste Lady, than his conversation; and the Maid, to raise her opinion of him, thus applied herself:  
And armed with pleasing love dare you engage,  
ere you consider in whose Tents you are?  
To make short: nor even in this could the Lady deny him any thing: Thus our victorious Soldier succeeded in both; she received his Embraces; not only that night they struck up the bargain, but the next and third day: Having shut the door of the Vault, that if any of her acquaintance or strangers had come out of curiosity to see her, they might have believed the most chaste of all Women, had expired on the body of her Husband. Our Soldier was so taken with his beautiful Mistress, and the privacy of enjoying her, that the little Money he was Master of, he laid out for her Entertainment, and, as soon as 'twas night, conveyed it into the Vault.  
In the mean time the Relations of one of the Malefactors, finding the Body unguarded, drew it from the Cross and buried it. The Soldier thus robbed while he was in the Vault, the next day, when he perceived one of the Bodies gone, dreading the punishment, he told the Lady what had happened; and, added that with his Sword he would prevent the Judge's Sentence; if so be she would please to give him Burial, and make that place at once the fatal Monument of a Lover and a Husband.  
The Lady, not less merciful than chaste; Nor would Heaven allow, said she, that I should at once feel the loss of the only two in the world I held most dear; I'd rather hang up the dead Body of the one, than be the wicked instrument of the other's death. Upon which she ordered her Husband's Body to be taken out of the Co●●in, and fixed to the Cross, in the room of that which was wanting: Our Soldier pursued the directions of the discreet Lady, and the next day the people wondered for what reason that Body was hung on the Cross.  
The Seamen were pleased with the Story. Tryph●ena not a little ashamed, lovingly applied her Cheek to Gito's, and hid her blushes; but Lycus wore an air of displeasure, and knitting his brows, said he, If the Governor had been a j●st man, he ought to have restored the Husband's Body to his Monument, and hung the Woman's on the Cross. I don't doubt it made him reflect on his own Wife, and the whole Scene of our Lust when we robbed his Vessel. But the Articles he agreed to, obliged him not to complain; and the mirth that engaged us gave him no opportunity to vent his Rage.  
Tryph●ena entertained herself in Gito's Arms, pressing oft his Neck with eager Kisses, and o●t disposing his new Ornament, to make it appear more agreeable to his Face.  
At this I was not a little out of humour's and impatient of our new League, could neither eat nor drink any thing; but with side-looks wished a thousand Curses on them both; every kiss and every look she gave him, wounded me. Nor did I yet know whether I had more reason to repent the loss of my Mistress' or my Comrade; he having robbed me of her; and she deluded him from my arm●: Both were worse than death to me. And to complete my misery, neither Tryph●ena spoke to me as her acquaintance, and once grateful Lover; nor did Gito think me worth drinking to; or what's the least he could, common discourse with him: I believe he was tender of the new return of her favours, and afraid to give her another occasion to fall out with him: Grief forced a flood of Tears from my Eyes, and I stifled my Complaints, till I was ready to expire.  
When Lycus perceived how well, tho' in this trouble, my yellow Ornament became me, he was inflamed afresh; and viewing me with Lovers eyes, addressed himself as such, when laying aside the haughty brow of a Master, he put on the tender complacency of a Friend: but his endeavours were fruitless. At last meeting with an entire repulse, his love turning to a fury, he endeavoured to ravish the favours he could not win by entreaty; at what time Tryph●ena unexpectedly came in, and observing his wantonness; in the greatest confusion he hid his head, and ran from h●r.  
Upon which the more lustful Tryph●ena asked, and made me tell her, what those wanton Caresses meant; she was inspired with new heat at the relation; and mindful of our old Amours, offered to revive our former Commerce; but worn off my legs with those Employments, I gave her invitations, but an ill return; yet she with all the desires of a woman transported by her passion, threw her arms about me, and so closely locked me in her Embraces, I was forced to cry out; one of her Maids came in at the noise, and easily believing I would force from her the favours I had denied her Mistress, rushed between, and loosed the Bands: Tryph●ena meeting with such a repulse, and even raging with desire, took it more grievous at my hands, and with threats at her going off, ●lew to Lycus; not only to raise his resentments against me, but join with him in pursuit of revenge.  
By the way observe, I had formerly been well received by this Attendant of Tryph●ena, when I maintained a Commerce with her Mistress, upon that score she resented my converse with Tryph●ena, and deeply sighing, made me eager to know the occasion; when she, stepping back, thus began, If you had any sparks of the Gentleman in you, you'd value her no more than a common Prostitute; if you were a man you would not descend to such a Jakes; these thoughts not a little disturbed her; but I was ashamed of nothing more, than that Eumolpus, suspecting the occasion, should in his next Verses make our supposed quarrel the subject of his Drollery; and lest my care to avoid it should prove one means of discovering it.  
When I was contriving how to prevent his suspicion, Eumolpus himself came in, already acquainted with what was done; for Tryph●ena had communicated her grief to Gito, and endeavoured at his co●t to compensate the injury I had offered her. Upon which Eumolpus was on sire, and the more, b●cause her wantonness was an open breach of the Articles she had signed.  
When the old Doctor saw me, pitying my misfortune, he desired to know the whole Scene from myself; I freely told him of the Gamesomeness of the lewd Lycus, and Tryph●ena's lustful assault, that he was already well informed of; upon which, in a solemn Oath, he swore to vindicate our cause, and that Heaven was too just to suffer so many Crimes to go unpunished.  
While we were thus engaged, a Storm arose; now thick Clouds, and th' enraged ●●●od eclipse the day, the Seamen fly to their Posts as fast as fear could make 'em: and, pulling down the Sails, leave the V●ssel to the mercy of the Tempest; for the uncertain winds made them hopeless of any direct course; nor did the Pilot know which way to steer; sometimes the unguided Ship was for●'d on the Coast of Sicily, o●ten by contrary Winds 'twas tossed near Italy; and what was more dangerous than all, on a sudden the gathering Clouds spread such horrid darkness all around, that the Pilot could not see over the Forecastle; upon which all despaired of safety; when Lycus threw himself before me, and lifting up his trembling hands, I beseech you Encolpius, began he, assist the distressed, that is restore the Sacred Vest and Timbrel you took from the Image of the Goddess Isis; be merciful as you are wont. At what time a Whirlwind snatched him up, and threw him howling midst the flood, and soon a spiteful wave just showed him us, and drew him back again.  
Tryph●ena, hastily taken up by her faithful Attendants, and placed with her chief Goods in the Skiff, avoided a most certain death.  
ay, locked in Gito's Arms, not without tears, cried out, And this we have merited of Heaven, that only Death should join us; but even now I fear Fortune will be against it; for see the Waves threaten to overturn the Vessel; and now the Tempest comes to burst the loved bands that unite us; therefore if you really love Encolpius, let's kiss while we may, and snatch this last joy even in spite of our approaching Fate.  
When I had thus said, Gito threw off his Mantle, and getting under mine, thrust his Head out at top to reach my Lips; but that the most malicious Wave might not ravish us asunder, he girt himself to me with the Thong that bound his Wallet; and 'tis some comfort, said he, to think that by this the Sea will bear us the longer ere it can divorce us from each others Arms. Or, if in compassion it should throw us on the same Shore, either the next that passes by would give us a Monument of Stones, that by the common Laws of Humanity he would cast upon us; or at least the angry Waves, that seem to conspire our separation, would unwittingly bury us in one grave, with the sand their rage would vomit up. I was satisfied with my Chain, and, as on my Deathbed, did now contentedly expect the coming hour.  
In the mean time the Tempest, acting the Decrees of Fate, had rend all the Rigging from the Vessel; no Mast, no Rudder left, not a Rope or Plank, but an awkard shapeless body of a Ship tossed up and down the flood.  
The Fishermen that inhabited the Seaside, expecting a Booty, in all haste put out with their Boats; but when they saw those in the Vessel that could defend their own; they changed their design of pillaging to succouring.  
After a salute on both sides, unwonted Murmurs, like that of some Beast, labouring to get out, proceeded from beneath the Master's Cabin; upon which, following the sound, we found Eumolpus sitting alone, and in his hand a large Scroll of Paper that he was filling, even to the Margin, with Verses; we all were amazed to see a man amuse himself with Poetry, at a time when he had reason to think each minute would be his last, and having drawn him, making a great noise, from his hole, we endeavoured to recover him from his Frenzy; but he was in such a heat to be disturbed, that, 'S death, said he, let me make an end of this Couplet, it finishes the Poem; on which I took hold of the Mad man, and ordered the still murmuring Poet to be hall'd on Shore.  
When with some trouble we had got him on Shore, we very pensively entered one of the Fishermen's Huts, and howe'er we feasted on our Meats the Sea had corrupted, we had no comfortable night of 't.  
The next day, as we were proposing how to bestow ourselves, we discovered an Human Body floating on a little Wave that made to Shore: I stood still concerned, and began with more diligence to see, if what was presented to our view were real.  
When finding it to be a man's; and who knows, I cried out, but this Wretch's Wi●e, in some part of the World, secure at home, may expect his coming; or perhaps a Son, ignorant of the fatal Storm, may wait the wished arrival of his Father; who with so many Kisses sealed his unwilling parting: These are our great designs! va●n Mortals swell with promising hopes, yet there's the issue of them all● see the mighty Nothing how it's tossed!  
When I had thus bemoaned the Wretch, as one unknown, the Sea cast cast him on Land with his face, not much dis●i●igur'd, toward Heaven; upon which I made up to it, and easily knew that the but now terrible and implacable Lycus was lying at my feet.  
I could not restrain my Tears; but, beating my Breast, Now where's, said I, your Rage? where your unruly Passions? now you're exposed a prey to Fish and Beasts; and the poor Shipwrackt wretch, with all his boasted power, now has not one Plank of the great Ship he proudly called his own. After this, let Mortals flatter themselves with Golden Dreams; let the weary Miser heap up illgot Wealth for many years; 'twas but yesterday this lifeless thing was priding in its Riches, and had fixed the very day he thought to return. How short, alas! lies the poor wretch of his design! but 'tis not the Sea only we should fear: one the Wars deceive; another by some accidental ruin, even at the Altar, meets a Grave; a third by a fall in running anticipates his arrival to the Goal; eating oft kills the Greedy; and Abstinence the Temperate. If we rightly consider it, in this Sea of Life we may be Shipwrackt every where; but we vainly lament the want of Burial to a wretch that's drowned; as if it concerned the perishing Carcase, whether Flames, Worms, or Fishes were its Cannibals. Whatever way you are consumed, the end of all's the same. But Fish, they object, will tear their Bodies; as if their Teeth were less gentle than the Flames; a punishment that we believe is the highest we can inflict on Slaves that have provoked us; therefore what madness is't to trouble our lives with the cares of our Burial after we're dead; when the best of us may meet the Fate he vainly strives with so much diligence to avoid?  
After these Reflections, we performed the last office for the dead, and, tho' his Enemies, honoured him with a Funeral Pile; but while Eumolpus was making an Epitaph, his Eyes roamed here and there, to find an Image that might raise his Fancy.  
When we had willingly acquitted ourselves of this piece of Humanity to Lycus, we pursued our designed Journey, and all in a sweat soon reached the head of a neighbouring Hill, from whence we discovered a Town seated on the top of a high Mountain; we did not know it, till a Shepherd informed us 'twas Crotona; the most ancient and once most flourishing City of Italy; when we enquired of him what sort of People inhabited this renowned place, and what kinds of Commerce they chiefly maintained, since they were impoverished by so many Wars?  
Gentlemen, said he, if you have designs of Trading, you must go another way; but if you're of the admired sort of Men, that have the thriving qualifications of Lying and Cheating, you're in the direct path to business; for in this City no Learning flourisheth; Eloquence has not a room here; Temperance, Good Manners, nor any Virtue can meet a reward; assure yourselves of finding but two sorts of Men, and they are the Cheated, and those that Cheat. A Father takes no care of his Children, because the having of Heirs is such a mark of Infamy, that he who is known in that Circumstance, dares not appear at any public Game or Show, is denied all public Privileges, and only herds among those that all Men piss upon. But single Men, who have no ties of Nature that oblige the disposal of their Wealth, are carress'd by all, and have the greatest Honours conferred on 'em; they're the only Valorous, the only Brave; nay, and only innocent too. You're going to a City, added he, like a Field in a Plague-time, where you can observe nothing but one Man devouring another, as Crows dead Carcases.  
The prudent Eumolpus, at a thing so surprisingly new, began to be thoughtful, and confessed that way to riches did not displease him. I believed it the effect of a Poetic Gaiety, that had not le●t his years: When, I wish, continued he, I could maintain a greater figure, as well in Habit as Attendants, 'twould give a better colour to my pretences: By Hercules, I'd throw by the Wallet, and soon advance all our Fortunes.  
Promising therefore to supply his wants, we have with us, said I, the Sacred Vest of Isis, and all the Booty we made at Lycurgus' Village; and you have given me such hopes, Eumolpus, added I, that were the Goddess herself in my power, I'd pawn her for Money to carry on the design.  
Upon which, said Eumolpus, why delay we the bringing of our hands in use? and if you like the Proposal let me be called your Master.  
None e'er condemned a project that was no charge to him; therefore to be true to his interest, we engaged in an Oath before we would discover the Cheat to suffer ten thousand Racks; and thus like freeborn Gladiators selling our Liberty, we Religiously devoted both Soul and Body to our new Master.  
After the Solemn Ceremonies of our Oath were ended; like Slaves, at a distance, we salute the Master of our own making. When beginning to exercise his Authority, he commanded us to report that our ancient Lord (meaning him) grieved at the loss of a Son, who was a great Orator and comfort to his age, was unhappily forced to quit the place of his Abode, lest the daily salutes of those that expected Preferment under him, or Visits of his Companions, might be the continual occasions of Tears; and the late Shipwreck had added to his grief, having lost to the value of twenty thousand Crowns; tho' he was not so much concerned at the loss of his Money, as of his large Retinue; that, he feared, would make them not proportion their thoughts to his greatness; and to add, that our Lord had Mortgages almost on half the Estates in Afric●● and mighty Sums at use on Personal Security; and could raise of his own Gladiators, dispersed about Numidia, a Force able to Plunder Carthage.  
After this, that his Actions might aagree with his condition, 'twas concluded necessary to wear a● air of discontent; that he should with a stately stiffness, like Quality, often Cough, and spit about the Room; that his words might come the more faintly from him; that in the eye of the world he should refuse to eat or drink; ever talking of Riches, and sometimes, to confirm their belief, should break into these words; Strange that such or such a Seat should disappoint my expectation, that used to be blest with so large an increase! And that nothing might be wanting to complete the humour, as often as he had occasion to call any of us, he should use one name for another; that it might ●asily appear how mindful the Lord was even of those Servants he had left in afric.  
Matters thus ordered, having, as all that would thrive in the world, implored the assistance of Heaven, we began our march, but both Gito did not like his new slavery, and Eumolpus' hired Servant, bearing most of our Baggage, in a little time beginning to be uneasy in his service, would often rest his burden; and with ten thousand wry looks, and as many curses for our going so fast, at last swore he would either leave his charge, or go quite away with't. 'S death, said he, d'ye think I'm a Packhorse, or a Dray, that you load me thus? I was hired for a Man, not a Horse; nor am I less a Gentleman by birth, than any of you all● tho' my Father left me in a mean condition● Nor content with reproaches, but getting before us, he lift up one Leg, and, venting his Choler at the wrong end, ●ill'd our Nostrils with a beastly scent.  
Gito mocked his humour, and for every crack he gave, returned the like, that one illscent might stifle another.  
But even here Eumolpus returning to his old humour: Young men, began he, this Poetry deceives many; for not only every one that is able to give a Verse its numbers, and spin out his feeble sense in a long train of words, has the vanity to think himself inspired; but Pleaders at the Bar, when they would give themselves a loose from business, apply themselves to Poetry, as an Entertainment without trouble; believing it easier to compile a Poem than maintain a Controversy, adorned with a few florid Sentences● But neither will a generous Spirit affect the empty sound of words; nor can a mind, unless enriched with Learning, be delivered of a birth of Poetry; there must be the purity of Language, no Porterly expression, or meanness, as I may call it, of words is to be admitted; but a stile perfectly above the common, and with Horace,— 
Scorn the Unlettered Herd,  
And drive 'em from you.   
Besides, you must be strictly diligent● that your Expressions appear of a piece with the Body of the Discourse, and your Colours so laid, that each may contribute to the beauty of the whole. Greece has given us a Homer and the Lyrics for Examples; Rome a Virgil and an Horace; the purity of whose Language is so happily correct, others either never saw the path that leads to Poetry, or seeing, were afraid to tread it. To describe the Civil Wars of Rome would be a Masterpiece, the unlettered head that offers at it, will sink beneath the weight of so great a work; for to relate past Actions, is not so much the business of a Poet, as an Historian; the boundless Genius of a Poet strikes through all Mazes, introduces Gods, and puts the invention on the rack for Poetic Ornaments; that it may rather seem a Prophetic ●ury, than a strict relation, with witnesses of mere truth. As for example, this rapture, tho' I have not given it the last hand.  
Now Rome reigned Empress o'er the Vanquished Ball,  
As far as Earth and Seas, obeyed by all:  
Uneasy yet, with more desires she's cursed,  
And boundless, as her Empire, is her thirst.  
In Burdened Vessels now they travelled o'er  
The furrowed deep to Seas unknown before:  
And any hidden part of Land or Sea,  
T●at Gold afforded, was an Enemy.  
Thus Fate the Seeds of Civil fury raised,  
When great in wealth no common pleasure pleased.  
Delights more out of fashion by the Town:  
Th' Soldiers Scarlet now from Spain must come;  
The Purple of the Sea contemned is grown.  
India with Silks, afric with Precious Stone,  
Arabia with its Spices hither come,  
And with their Ruin raise the pride of Rome.  
But other Spoils, destructive to her Peace,  
Rome's ruin bode, and future ills increase:  
Through Lybian Deserts are wild Monsters chased,  
And the remotest parts of afric traced:  
W●ere the Unwieldy Elephant that's ta'en,  
For fatal value of his Tooth is slain.  
Uncommon Tigers are imported here,  
And led Triumphant in the Theatre;  
Where, while devouring Jaws on Men they try,  
The People Clap to see their Fellows die.  
But Oh! who can without a blush relate  
Th● horrid sc●ne of their approaching Fate?  
W●en Persian Cusloms, fashionable grown,  
Made Nature start, and her best work disown,  
Male Infants are divorced from all that can,  
By timely progress ripen into Man.  
T●us Circling Nature dampt, a while restrains  
H●r has●y Course, and in a Pause remains;  
Till working a return t'h●r wont Post,  
She seeks herself, and to herself is lost.  
T●● Herd of Fops the frantic Humour take,  
〈◊〉 k●●ps a Capon, loves its mincing Gate,  
I●s ●lowing ●air, and striving all it can,  
〈◊〉 ●●●nging Mode and Dress, t' appear a Man.  
〈◊〉 the Wilder Luxury of Rome,  
〈◊〉 Afri●k Furniture, Slaves, Tables come,  
A●● Purple Carpets made in Africa Loom.  
Thus their estates run out, while all around  
The Sot-companions in their Wine are drowned;  
T●e Soldier loads, neglected is his Sword,  
With all his Spoils the dearly noble Board:  
Rome's Appetite grows wi●●y, and what's caught  
In Si●ily, to their Board's are living brought:  
B●t Stomaches go●g'd, (a dearer Luxury)  
Must with extensive S●w●● n●w hunger buy.  
The Phasian Banks, the Birds all eaten, gone,  
With their forsaken Trees in silence moan,  
And have no Music but the Winds alone.  
In Mars' Field no less a Frenzy reigns,  
Where Bribed Assemblies make a Prey of Gains.  
Their servile Votes ob●y the Chink of Gold,  
A People and a Senate to be sold!  
The Senate's self, which should our Rights maintain,  
From their free spirits, stoop to sordid Gain,  
The power of right by Gold corrupted dies,  
And trampled Majesty beneath it lies:  
Cato's pretence the Giddy Rout neglect,  
Yet did not him, but him they raised, d●ject:  
Who, though he won, with conscious blushes s●ands,  
Ashamed o'th' Power he took from worthier hands.  
O Manners, Ruin, and the People's shame!  
He suffered not alone, the Roman Name,  
Virtue and Honour to their Period came.  
Thus wretched Rome does her own ruin share,  
At once the Merchant, and at once the War●,  
All Lands are Mortgaged, and all Persons bound,  
And in the Use the Principal is drowned.  
Thus Debts a ●eaver, and like that disease,  
Bred in our Bowels, by u●●●lt degrees  
Will throug●●ur thirsty 〈◊〉 ●v'●y Member seize.  
Wild Tumults now to Arms for succour call●  
(For want may dare and never fear a fall.)  
Wasted by Riot, Wealth's a putrid Sore,  
That only Wounds can its lost strength restore.  
What rules of Reason, or soft gentle ways,  
Rome from this Lethargy of Vice can raise?  
Where such mild Arts can no impression make,  
War, Tumult, Noise and Fury must awake.  
Fortune one Age with three great Chiefs supplied,  
Who different ways, by th' Sword that raised 'em, died;  
Crassus 's Blood, Asia; afric, Pompey 's shed;  
In Thankless Rome, the Murdered Caesar bled.  
Thus as one Soil alone too narrow were,  
Their Glorious Dust, and great Remains to bear,  
O'er all the Earth their scattered ruin lies;  
Such Honours to the Mighty dead arise.  
'Twixt Naples and Puteoli there is,  
Deep in the Gaping Earth, a dark A●yss,  
Where runs the raging Black Cocytus' Stream,  
That from its Waters sends a Sulphurous steam,  
Which spreads its sury round the Blasted Green,  
O'er all the fatal compass of its breath  
No Verdant Autumn Crowns the fruitful Earth;  
No blooming Woods with Vernal Songs resound,  
Nothing but Black Confusion all around,  
Where lonely Rocks in dismal quiet mourn,  
Which aged Cypress dreadfully adorn.  
Here Pluto raised his head, and through a Cloud  
Of Fire and smoke, in this Prophetic Mood,  
To Giddy Fortune spoke,—  
All ruling Power,  
You love all Change, and quit it soon for more;  
You never like what too securely stands;  
Does Rome not tyre your faint supporting hands?  
How can you longer bear the sinking Frame,  
The Roman Youth now hate the Roman Name.  
See all around Luxuriant Trophies lie,  
And their increasing Wealth new ills supply.  
Golden aspiring Piles here Heaven invade,  
There on the Sea encroaching Bounds are made.  
Where Field● contriving as from Waters sprung,  
Inverted Nature's injured L●ws they wrong.  
So deep the Caverns in the Earth some make,  
They threat my Empire, and my Regions shake;  
While to low Quarries others sink for Stone;  
And Hollow Rocks beneath their fury groan.  
Proud with the hopes to see another day,  
MY infernal Subjects begin to disobey:  
Fortune be kind, still ●le their fury dare,  
Turn all your Smiles, and s●ir up Rome to war,  
And a new Colony of Souls prepare.  
Our sooty Lips this Age no blood have taste,  
With thirst Tisiphone's dry Throat does waste.  
Since Sylla's Sword let out the Purple flood,  
And guilty Earth grew fruitful from the blood.  
The black grim God did thus to Fortune say,  
Reaching her hand, the yielding Earth gave way;  
The fickle Goddess, thus returning, said,  
Father, by all beneath this Earth obeyed,  
If dangerous Truths may be with safety told,  
My thoughts with yours a just proportion hold:  
No less a rage this willing breast inspires,  
Nor am I pressed with less inflamed desires;  
I hate the Blessings that to Rome I lent,  
And of my Bounty, now abused, repent:  
Thus the proud height of Rome's aspiring Wall,  
By the same dreadful God'twas ra●s'd, shall fall.  
Their Blood I'll offer as a Sacrifice,  
T' appease the Ghost of their departed Vice.  
I already see Phar●alian Armies slain,  
T●● Funeral Piles of Th●ssaly and Spain:  
Egypt and Libya's Groans methinks I hear,  
T●e dismal ●ound of arms now strikes my ear,  
An Actium Sea-fight, and retreating fear.  
Ma●● wide the entrance of your thirsty Soil,  
N●w spirit's mu●● i'th' mighty Harvest toil;  
Charon's too narrow Boat can ne'er convey,  
Scarce a whole Fleet will waft the Souls away;  
Pale Furies be with the vast ruin Crowned,  
And filled with Blood, remangle every Wound.  
The ●niversal Fabric of the World,  
Rent and divided, to your Empire's hurled.  
She scarce had spoke; e'er from a Cloud there flies  
A blasting flame, that bursting shake the Skies;  
At Jove's avenging Thunder, to his Hell,  
From the closed Earth, affrighted Pluto fell.  
When soon the angry Gods their Omens show,  
That bided destruction and approaching woe:  
Astonishment surprised the darkened Sun,  
As if the War already were begun;  
Approaching Ills the conscious Cynthia knew,  
And blushing, from impiety withdrew.  
With hideous noise the falling Mountains cleave;  
And streams repulsed their usual courses leave.  
Engaging Armies in the Clouds appear,  
And Trumpets raising Mars himself too War.  
Now Aetna's flames with an usual roar  
Vomit huge Bolts of Thunder in the Air,  
Amidst the Tombs and Bones without their Urns,  
Portending Spirits send up dismal groans:  
A Comet's seen with Stars unknown before,  
And Jove descending in a Bloody shower:  
The God these Wonders did in short unfold,  
Caesar their Ills no longer should withhold.  
Impatient of revenge, quit gallic Jars,  
And draw his conquering Sword for Civil Wars.  
In Cloudy Alps, where the divided Rock  
To cunning Grecians did its Nerves unlock,  
Altars devoted to Alcides' smoke.  
The Temple with eternal Ice is Crowned,  
Whose milky top so far in Clouds is drowned;  
You'd think its Shoulders in the Heavens bound.  
Not the warm rays of a Meridian Sun,  
Or the hot Southern Winds can melt it down.  
So fixed with Ice and Snows it did appear,  
That its aspiring top the Globe might bear.  
Here Conquering Caesar leads his joyful Bands,  
And on the proudest Cliff considering stands.  
The distant Plains of Italy surveys,  
And, Hands and Voice to Heaven directed, says,  
Almighty Jove and you, Saturnia, found,  
Safe by my arms, oft with my Triumphs Crowned,  
Witness these Arms unwillingly I wear,  
Unwillingly I come to wage this War,  
Compelled by injuries too great to bear.  
Banished my Country, while I make the Flood,  
That laves the Rhine, run Purple all with blood.  
While the Gauls, ripe our Rome to re-invade,  
I force to skulk behind their Alps, afraid:  
By Conquering my Banishment's secured.  
Are sixty Triumphs not to be ●ndur'd?  
A Germane Conquest reckoned such a fault?  
By whom is Glory such a Monster thought?  
Or who the vile supporters of this War?  
A foreign Spawn, a Mobb in Arms appear,  
At once Rome's scandal, and at once her care.  
No slavish Soul shall bind this Arm with Chains,  
And unrevenged triumph it o'er the Plains.  
Bold with success still to new Conquests lead,  
Come, my Companions, thus my Cause I'll plead,  
The Sword shall plead our cause, for to us all  
D●es equal guilt, and equal danger, call:  
Obliged by you I conquered, not alone.  
Since to be punished is the Victor's Crown,  
Fortune invokt begin the offered War,  
My Cause is pleaded when you bravely dare,  
With such an Army, who success can fear.  
Thus Caesar spoke: from the propitious sky  
Descending Eagles, boding Victory,  
Drive the ●low winds before 'em as they Fly.  
From the left side of a dark Wood proceed  
Unwonted cries, which dying, flames succeed.  
The Sunbeams with unusual brightness rise,  
And spread new Glories round the gilded Skies.  
New fired with Omens of the promised day,  
Caesar o'er untrod Mountains leads the way;  
Where th' Frozen Earth o're-clad with Ice and Snows,  
At first not yielding to their Horse's blows,  
A dreadful quiet in dull stiffness shows.  
But when their trembling Hoofs had burst the Chain,  
And softened milky Clouds of hardened rain;  
So quick the melted Snows to Rivers run,  
That soon a deluge from the Mountains sprung.  
But thus you'd think 'twere done by Fates decrees,  
For the Flood stopped, and Billows rising Frieze,  
And yielding Waves but now are Rocks of Ice.  
The slippery passage now their fe●t betray,  
When soon in miserable heaps o'th' way,  
Men, Horses, Arms, in wild confusion lay.  
Now pregnant Clouds with whirling blasts are torn,  
And, bursting, are delivered of a Storm:  
Large stones of Hail the troubled Heavens shoot,  
That by tempestuous winds are whirled about;  
So thick it pours, whole Clouds of Snow and Hail,  
Like Frozen Billows, on their Armour fall:  
The Earth lay vanquished under mighty Snow,  
An Icy damp the vanquished Heavens know,  
And vanquished Waters now no longer flow.  
Thus all but Caesar yield; on his ●uge Lance  
The Hero leaning, did secure advance.  
Alcmena's Son did less securely rush,  
From the proud height of rising Caucasus;  
Or Jove himself, when down the steep he pressed  
Those Sons of Earth, that durst his Heaven molest.  
While raging Caesar scales th' aspiring height,  
Big with the news, Fame takes before her flight;  
And from Mount Palatine approaching ills,  
To frighted Rome, thus dreadfully she tells:  
A numerous Fleet is riding o'er the Main,  
The melted Alps are hid with Caesar's Train.  
That reeking from a Germane Conquest come,  
And with a like destruction threaten Rome.  
Now Arms, Blood, Death, and dismal Scenes of War,  
Are to their Eyes presented by their fear;  
With dreadful thoughts of coming War possessed,  
A wilder tumult reigns in every breast.  
This flies by Land, and that the Sea prefers,  
And thinks his native soil less safe appears,  
The Soldier trusts the Fortune of the Wars.  
Pressed by their Fate, thus as they fear they run.  
'Midst these disorders, through th' abandoned Town:  
A moving sight, wild tumuls here and there,  
Follow the blind impulses of their fear.  
Vanquished by rumour all, prepared for flight,  
Their much lamented Habitations quit:  
Trembling, this takes his Children in his Arms,  
And that protects his Guardian Gods from harms.  
Scared from their homes, unwillingly they go,  
And in their wishes stab the absent Foe.  
Some bear their Wives, amidst ten thousand fears,  
In sad embrace; and some their aged Sires:  
The tender Youth, unused to Burdens, bear  
Only that with 'em for which most they fear:  
Some less discreet, strive to bear all away,  
And only for the Foes prepare the Prey.  
So in a Storm when no Sea-arts avail  
To guide the Ship with any certain sail;  
Some bind the shattered Mast, with thoughts secure  
Others are swimming t'ward the peaceful shore;  
While with full sails kind Fortune these implore.  
But why do we of such small fears complain,  
With both the Consuls greater Pompey ran,  
That Asia awed, in dire Hydaspes grown  
The only Rock, its Pirates split upon;  
W●ose third Triumph o'er Earth made Jove afraid,  
Proud with success he'd next his Heaven invade:  
To whom the Ocean yielding honours gave,  
And ●ougher Bospherus humbly stilled his wave.  
Yet he, of Empires and of Men the shame,  
Quitting the honour of a Ruler's name,  
Meanly at once abandoned Rome and Fame.  
Now this to Heaven itself does fears impart,  
And the mild train of quiet Gods depart;  
Frighted with Wars they quit the impious World,  
And leave Mankind in wild confusion hurled.  
Fair Peace, as leader of the Goodly Train,  
Beating her Snowy Arms, did first complain:  
A wreath of Olives bound her drooping head,  
And to Hell's dark insatiate Realms she ●●ed.  
Justice and Faith on her attending went,  
And mournsul Concord with her Garment rend.  
On th' other side from Hell's wide gaping Jaws,  
A Train of dire Inhabitants arose:  
Dreadful Erinnys, sierce Bellona there,  
Fraud, and Megaera armed with brands of fire,  
And th' Ghastly Image of pale death appear:  
Disordered Rage from all her Fetters freed,  
Proudly 'midst these lifts her distracted head,  
And her hacked face with bloody Helmet hid.  
On her left arm a Target old and worn,  
Pierced with innumerable Darts was born,  
And brands of fire supported in her right,  
The impious World with flames and ruin threat.  
The Gods descending, leave their still abode,  
And the Stars wondering miss their usual Lo●●;  
For all the Inhabitants of Heaven come,  
Choosing their sides, with factious fury down.  
For Caesar first Dione does appear,  
Pallas and Mars with his huge brandished Spear;  
Phoebe and Phoebus too for Caesar came,  
And with Cyllenius, to fill the Train,  
Alcides went, in all his acts the same.  
The Trumpets sound, when from the Stygian shade  
Wild Discord raises her disordered head;  
From whose swollen Eyes there ran a briny flood,  
And Blood congealed o'er all her Visage stood;  
Her hideous rows of Brazen Teeth were furred,  
A filthy Gore there issued from her tongue,  
With Snaky Locks her Guarded head was hung;  
Rent and divided did her Garb betray  
The Image of the Breast on which it lay;  
And brandished Flames her trembling hand obey.  
Thus from Hell's deeps she passed with dire design,  
Up to the top of Noble Apennine,  
From whose proud height she all the World descried.  
Earth, Seas, and Armies march on every side,  
And bursting out at length, with fury cried,  
Let murderous rage the World to Arms inspire,  
That every Nation may appear a fire:  
No age or sex shall from the War be free,  
Nor subtle Fear be a security.  
The Earth itself shall tremble, and the shock  
Make Mountains cl●ft against each others knock.  
Marcellus guide the Laws, Curio the Crowd,  
Let Lentulus inspire the Warlike God.  
But why is't Caesar such slow measures takes?  
Not scale the Walls? Nor force th' aspiring Gates,  
Nor to the Town, nor to the Treasure makes?  
At Rome, if Pompey sears th' approaching Foe,  
Let him to fatal Epidamnum go:  
Fill all its Plains with blood. Thus discord said,  
And impious earth her black D●crces obeyed.  
When Eumolpus● with his usual freedom, had delivered himself of th●s, we arrived at Crotona; where having refreshed ourselves in a little Inn we took up at, the next day, designing an Enlargement of our House and Fortune, we fell into the company of some Parasitical Corbacchio's; who immediately enquired what we were, and whence we came? When, according to our contrivance, prudently advancing our Characters, we told the credulous Parasites whence we came, and who we were. Upon which, immediately all their Fortunes were at Eumolpus' Feet; and each, to ingratiate himself into his favour, strove to exceed the rest in presenting him.  
While this Flood of Fortune was for a long time flowing on us, Eumolpus, 'midst his happiness, having lost the memory of his former condition, so boasted his Interest, that he affirmed, none in Crotona could resist his desires; and that what e'er Crime any of us should act, he had Friends enough to wipe off the Gild.  
But, tho' our daily increasing Riches, left my pampered body no desire unsatisfied; and tho' I slattered myself into an opinion that ill Fortune had taken her last leave of me, yet not only the thoughts of my present condition, but the ●●ans of getting to't, would oft ●r●ak in upon my Joys, and bitt●r all the sweet. And what, said I to myself, if some one, wiser than the rest, should dispatch a Messenger for afric; should not we soon be discovered? What if the Slave Eumolpus, picked up, glutted with his present happiness, should betray us to his Companions, and maliciously discover the whole Cheat? we should then be put upon the strole again, and be obliged with shame to renew our former beggary. Heavens, how ill it fares with wicked lives! they ever expect the punishment they deserve.  
Going out full of these thoughts to divert my concern, I resolved on a Walk, but I had scarce got into a public one, ere a pretty Girl made up to me, and calling me Polyaenus, told me her Lady would be proud of an opportunity to speak with me.  
You're mistaken, Sweet heart, returned I, in a little heat, I'm but a Servant, of another Country too, and not worthy of so great a favour.  
No Sir, said she, I have commands to you; but because you know what you can do, you're proud; and if a Lady would receive a favour from you, I see she must buy it: For to what end are all those allurements, forsooth? the Curled Hair, the Complexion advanced by a Wash, and the wanton roll of your Eyes, the studied Air of your Gate? unless by showing your Parts, to invite a Purchaser? For my part I am neither a Witch, nor a Conjurer, yet can guests at a Man by his Physiognomy. And when I find a Spark walking, I know his Contemplation. To be short, Sir, if so be you are one of them that ●ell their Ware, I'll procure you a Merchant; but if you're a Courteous Lender, confer the benefit. As for your being a Servant, and below, as you say, such a favour, it increases the flames of her that's dying for you● 'Tis the wild Extravagance of some Women to be in love with Filth, nor can be raised to an appetite, but by the Charms forsooth of some Slave or Lackey; some can be pleased with nothing but the strutting of a Prize-fighter with a Hack●-face, and a Red Ribbon in his Shir●: Or an Actor betrayed to prostitute himself on th' Stage, by the vanity of showing his pretty Shapes th●re; of this sort is my Lady; who indeed, ad●●d she, prefers the paltry Lover of the Upper G●ll●ry, with his dirty Face, and Oaken 〈◊〉 to all thetine Gentlemen of the Boxes, with their Patches, Gunpowder-spo●s, and Toothpickers. When pleased with the humour of her Talk, I beseech you, Child, said I, are you the the that's so in love with my person? Upon which the Maid fell into a fit of Laughing. I would not returned she, have you so extremely ●latter yourself, I never yet truckled to a Waiter, nor will Venus allow I should embrace a Gibbet. You must address yourself to Ladies that kiss the Ensigns of Slavery; be assured that I, though a Servant, have too fine a taste to converse with any below a Knight. I was amazed at the relation of such unequal passions, and thought it miraculous to find a Servant, with the scornful pride of a Lady, and a Lady with the humility of a Servant.  
Our pleasant Discourse continuing, I desired her to bring her Lady: she readily consented, and taking hold of her Petticoats, tripped it into a Laurel Labyrinth, that bordered on the Walk; 'twas not long ere she ushered her Lady to me; a Beauty excelling even the ●lattery of Painters; words can't express so perfect a Creature; whatever I should say of her would fall short of what she was. Her Hair spread all o'er her Shoulders, and seemed in easy Curls to wanton in the Air. Her Forehead oval, and that naturally inclined the Hair to its advantage. The proportion of her Eyebrows was most correct. Her Eyes eclypst the Glory of the brightest Star. Her Nose had an easy turn, and Mouth was such Praxiletes believed Venus had. Then her Chin, her Neck, her Arms, and Feet, gently girt with Embroidered Sandals, to whose whiteness the Parian Marble would s●rve but as a ●oil. 'Twas then I began to despise my old Mistress Doris. And thus broke out:  
Sure amorous Jove's a holy tale above;  
With fancied arts that wait upon his love,  
When we are bl●st with such a charm as this,  
And he no Rival of our happiness:  
How well the Bu●l would now the God become:  
Or his Grey-●airs to be transformed to Down?  
Here's Dana●'s ●●lf, a touch from her would fire,  
And make the God in Liquid joys expire.  
She was pleased, and smiled with such an air, that, ●he seemed like the Moon in ●ll her Glories breaking through a Cloud; ●hen addressing herself, her pretty Fingers humouring the turn of her Voice, If a fine Woman● and that but this year, has been acquainted with a Man, said she, may deserve your love, let me commend a Mistress to you. I am sensible you have a Comrade already, nor have I thought it below me to inquire it: But why not a Mistress too? I enter the List on the same bottom with your Comrade; nor do I desire to engross all the Caresses; only think me deserving, and confer them as you please.  
Let me beseech you, Madam, returned I, by all those Cupids in your Face and Mien, not to scorn to admit a stranger into the number of your Admir●rs. You'll find him most Religious, if you accept his Devotions, and that you should not suspect I believe the way to this Heaven, unlike all others, may be trod Gratis, I present you with my Comrade.  
What? said she, do you give him without whom you could not live? On whose lips your very Being hangs? Whom you so love, as I could you. Her words were attended with ●uce a Grace at their delivery, and the sweet ●ound so charmed the yielding air, you would have sworn some Siren had been breathing Melodies. Thus rapt with every thing so amazing, and fancying a Glory shined in every part, I ventured to inquire what name the Goddess owned? My Maid, I●perceive, said she, has not informed you, I am called Circe; I would not have you believe, tho' I bear that name, that I derive my original from Apollo; nor that my Mother, while she lay in the God's Embraces, held the fiery Steeds: Yet I shall know enough of Heaven, if Fate will give you to my Arms. And who knows the dark Decrees? Therefore come, my Dear, and Crown my Wishes. Nor need you fear any Malicious disturber of our Joys. Your Comrade is far enough from hence.  
Upon which, she threw her Downy Arms about me, and led me to a Plate of Ground, the Pride of Nature, decked with a gay variety of every pleasing object.  
On Ida's top, when Jove his Nymph carest,  
And Lawless heat in open view expressed:  
His Mother Earth in all her Charms was seen.  
The Rose, the Violet, the sweet Jessamin,  
And the fair Lily smiling on the Green.  
Such was the Plate on which my Venus lay,  
But secret our love, more Glorious the Day,  
When all around was bright, and as the Nymph as Gay.  
Here we prepared for Battle, and through ten thousand Kisses pressed to a closer engagement; but a sudden weakness robbed me of my arms. Thus cheated in her expectation, she highly resenting it, asked whether her Lips, her Breath, or some ill scent of any part of her, offended me? Or if none of those, whether I feared Gito?  
I was so ashamed of myself, that if there was any spark of the Man left in me, I lost it. And finding every part of me feeble, and as it were lifeless: I beseech you, Madam, said I, don't triumph o'er my misery: I'm surely bewitched.  
So slight an excuse could not allay her resentment, but giving me a disdainful glance, she turned to her Maid, and, I prithee Crysis, said she, be free with me, don't flatter your Mistress, Is there any thing misbecoming or ungentile about me? Or have I used Art to hide any natural deformity? I don't know how you've dressed me to day.  
Upon which, ere Chrysis could make a return, she snatched a Pocket-glass from her, and after she had practised all her Looks, to try if any appeared less charming than before, she took hold of her Petticoats that were a little rumpled with lying on, and immediately ran to a Neighbouring Temple dedicated to Venus.  
I could not tell what to say or do, but as if I had seen a Vision, at last began with horror to consider whether I had been robbed of any real joy.  
So when a Dream our wand'ring Eyes betrays,  
And to our side some hidden Gold conveys;  
Our busy hands th' inviting Treasure seize,  
And hide in guilty folds the fancied prize.  
Sweeting we fear le●t any conscious spy,  
Might search our bosom, and the thest descry.  
But with our sleep when all our joys are o'er,  
And minds restored to what they were before,  
Concerned, we wish the fancied Loss regained,  
And with the Image still are entertained.  
This misfortune might make me justly think it not only a true Vision, but real Witchcraft; for I had so long lost my strength I could not rise: my mind at last, a little freed, began by degrees to recover its vigour, upon which I went to my Lodging, and dissembling a faintness, lay down on the bed. A little after Gito, being informed I was ill, came to me much troubled; but to allay his concern, I told him I was only a little weary, and had a mind for a Nap. Several things I talked to him of, but not a word of my last adventure, for I was afraid because I knew he envied every one that had a Charm for me, and to prevent his suspicion, throwing my Arms about him, I endeavoured to give a proof of my love; but disappointed of the expectation I had raised him to, he rose very angry from my side, and accusing my weakness, and strange behaviour to him, told me that of late he had found my chief favours were bestowed in another's Arms.  
My Love to you, Gito, said I, has ever been the same, but now my Dancing days submit to reason.  
Therefore, said he, Laughing at me, in the name of Socrates, I thank you, because like him, you propose to love me: Alcibiades, Encolpius, did not rise a Virgin from that Philosopher's side.  
Then added I, believe me, Gito, I hardly know I've any thing of Man about me, now useless lies the terrible part, where once I was Achilles.  
When he found how unfit I was to confer the Favours he wanted, and to prevent a suspicion of his privacy with me, he jumped up and ran to another part of the House.  
He was hardly gone, ere Chrysis entered my Chamber, and gave me a Billet from her Mistress, in which I found this written:  
HAD I raised my expectation, I might deceived, complain; now I'm obliged to your impotence, that has made me sensible how much too long I have trifled with mistaken hopes of pleasure. Tell me, Sir, how you design to bestow yourself, and whether you dare rashly venture home on your own Legs? for no Physician ever allowed it could be done without strength. Let me advise your tender years to beware of a Palsy: I never saw any body in such danger before. On my Conscience you are just going! and should the same rude Chillness seize your other parts. I might be soon, alas! put upon the severe trial of weeping at your Funeral. But if you would not suspect me of being sincere, tho' my resentment can't equal the injury, yet I shall not envy the Cure of a weak unhappy Wretch. If you would recover your strength, ask Gito, or rather not ask him for't.— I can assure a return of your vigour if you could sleep three nights alone: As to myself I am not in the least apprehensive of appearing to another less Charming than I have to you. I am told neither my Glass nor report does flatter me. Farewell, if you can.  
When Chrysis ●ound I had read the reproach, this is the custom, Sir, said she, and chiefly of this City, where the Women are skilled in Magick-charms, enough to make the Moon confess their power; therefore the recovery of any useful Instrument of Love becomes their care; 'tis only writing some soft tender things to my Lady, and you make her happy in a kind return. For 'tis confessed, since her Disappointment, she has not been herself; I readily consented, and calling for Paper, thus addressed myself:  
'TIS confessed, Madam, I have often sinned, for I'm not only a Man, but a very young one, yet never left the Field so dishonourably before. You have at your Fe●t 〈◊〉 confessing Criminal, that deserves whatever you 〈◊〉 I have cut a Throat, betrayed m● Country, committed Sacrilege; if a p●●ishment for any of these will serve, I am ready ●o receive sentence. If you fancy my death, I wait you with my Sword; but if a beating will content you, I fly naked to your Arms. Only remember, that 'twas not the Workman, but his Instruments that failed: I was ready to engage, but wanted Arms. Who robbed me of them, I know not; perhaps my eager mind outrun my body; or while with an unhappy haste I aimed at all; I was cheated with abortive joys. I only know I don't know what I've done: You bid me fear a Palsy, as if the Disease could do greater that has already robbed me of that, by which I should have purchased you. All I have to say for myself, is this, that I will certainly pay with interest the Arrears of Love, if you allow me time to repair my misfortune.  
Having sent back Chrysis with this Answer, to encourage my jaded Body, a●ter the Bath and strengthening Oils, had a little raised me, I applied myself to provocation-meats, such as strong Broths and Eggs, using Wine very moderately; upon which to settle myself, I took a little Walk, and returning to my Chamber, slept tha● night without Gito; so great was my care to acquit myself honourably with my Mistress, that I was afraid he might have tempted my constancy, by tickling my side.  
The next day rising without prejudice, either to my body or spirits, I went, tho' I feared the place was ominous, to the same Walk, and expected Chrysis to conduct me to her Mistress; I had not been long there, ere she came to me, and with her a little Old Woman. After she had saluted me, What, my nice Sir Courtly, said she, does your Stomach begin to come to you?  
At what time, the Old Woman, drawing from her bosom, a wreath of many colours, bound my Neck; and having mixed spittle and dust, she dipped her finger in't, and marked my Fore head, whether I would or not.  
When this part of the Charm was over, she made me spit thrice, and as often pressed to my bosom Enchanted Stones, that she had wrapped in purple; after which, she began to examen my Breeches, when quick as thought, the swelling Inhabitant obeyed her power, and gave her above two handsfull: She, was all joy; and d'ye see, my Chrysis, said she, d'ye see what a Hare I have started, for another to have the pleasure of the Chase.  
Never despair; Priapus I invoke  
To help the parts that make his Altar's smoke.  
After this, the Old Woman presented me to Chrysis; who was very glad she had recovered her Mistress' Treasure; and therefore hastening to her, she conducted me to a most pleasant retreat, decked with all that Nature could produce to please the sight.  
Where lofty Plains o'erspread a Summer shade,  
And well trimmed Pines their shaking tops displayed,  
Where Daphne 'midst the Cyprus crowned her Head.  
Near these, a circling River gently flows,  
And rolls the Pebbles as it murmuring goes.  
A place designed for Love, the Nightingale  
And other winged Inhabitants can tell.  
That on each Bush salute the coming day,  
And in their Orgies sing its hours away.  
She was in an undress, reclining on a flowery bank, and diverting herself with a Myrtle Branch; as soon as I appeared, she blushed, as mindful of her disappointment: Chrysis, very prudently withdrew, and when we were left together, I approached the Temptation; at what time, she screened my face with the Myrtle, and as if there had been a wall between us, becoming more bold; what, my chilled Spark, began she, have you brought all yourself to day?  
Do you ask, Madam, I returned, rather than try? and throwing myself to her, that with open Arms was eager to receive me, we kissed a little Age away; when giving the signal to prepare for other Joys, she drew me to a more close Embrace; and now, our murmuring Kisses their sweet fury tell; now, our twining Limbs, tried every fold of Love; now, locked in each others Arms, our Bodies and our Souls are joined: But even here, alas! even amidst these sweet beginnings, a sudden chillness pressed upon my Joys, and made me leave 'em not complete.  
Circe, enraged to be so affronted, had recourse to Revenge, and calling the Grooms that belonged to the House, made them give me a warming; nor was she satisfied with this, but calling all the Servant-Wenches, and meanest of the House, she made 'em spit upon me. I hid my Head as well as I could, and, without b●gging pardon, for I knew what I had deserved, am turned out of doors, with a large Retinue of kicks and spittle: Proselenos, the Old Woman was turned out too, and Chrysis beaten; and the whole Family wondering with themselves, enquired the Cause of their Lady's disorder.  
I hid my bruises as well as I could, lest my Rival Eumolpus might sport with my shame, or Gito be concerned at it; therefore, as the only way to disguise my Misfortune, I began to dissemble Sickness, and having got in Bed, to revenge myself of that part of me, that had been the Cause of all my Misfortunes; when taking hold of it,  
With dreadful St●el, the part I would have lopped,  
Thrice from my trembling Hand the Razor dropped.  
N●w, what I might be●ore, I could not do,  
For cold as Ice the fearful Thing withdrew;  
And shrunk behind a wrinkled Canopy,  
Hiding his Head from my Rev●nge and me.  
Thus, by his fear, I'm balked of my design,  
When I in words more kill vent my spleen.  
At what time, raising myself on the Bed, in this or the like manner, I reproached the ●ullen impotent: With what face can you look up, thou shame of Heaven and Man? that canst not be seriously mentioned Have I deserved from you, when raised within sight of Heavens of Joys, to be struck down to the lowest Hell? To have a scandal fixed on the very prime and vigour of my Years, and to be reduced to the weakness of an Old Man? I beseech you, Sir, give me an Epitaph on my departed vigour; tho' in a great heat I had thus said,  
He still continued looking on the ground,  
Nor more, at this had raised his guilty Head,  
Than th' drooping Poppy on its tender stalk.  
Nor when I had done, did I less repent of my ridiculous Passion, and with a conscious blush, began to think, how unaccountable it was, that forgetting all shame, I should contend with that part of me, that all Men of Sense, reckon not worth their thoughts. A little after, relapsing to my former humour: But what's the Crime, began I, if by a Natural complaint I was eased of my grief? or how is it, that we blame our Stomaches or Bellies, when 'tis our Heads that are distempered? Did not ●lysses beat his breasts as if that had disturbed him? And done't we see the Actors punish their Eyes, as if they heard the Tragic Scene? Those that have the Gout in their Legs, Swear at them: Those that have it in their Fingers, do so by them: Those that have ●ore Eyes, are angry with their Eyes.  
Why do ye strickt-lived Cato's of the Age,  
At my familiar lines so gravely rage?  
In measures loosely plain, blunt satire flows,  
Which all the People so sincerely shows.  
For whose a Stranger to the Joys of Love?  
Who, can't the thoughts of such soft Pleasures move?  
Such Epicurus owned the chiefest bliss,  
And such Lives the Gods themselves possess.  
There's nothing more deceitful than a ridiculous Opinion, nor more ridiculous, than an affected Gravity. After this, I called Gito to me; and tell me, said I, but sincerely, whether Ascyltos, when he took you from me, pursued the injury that Night, or was Chastely content to lie alone? The Boy with his ●inger at his E●es, took a solemn Oath, that ●e had no incivility offered him by Ascyltos.  
This drove me to my Wit's end, nor did I well know what to ●ay: For why, I considered, should I think of the twice mischievous accident that lately be●ell me? At last, I did what I could to recover my vigour; and willing to invoke the assistance of the Gods, I went out to pay my Devotions to Priapus, and as wretched as I was, did not despair, but kneeling at the entry of the Chamber, thus beseeched the God:  
Bacchus and Nymphs delight, O mighty God  
Whom Cynthia gave to Rule the blooming wood.  
Lesbos and verdant Tha●os thee adore,  
And Lydians, in loose ●lowing Dress implore,  
And raise devoted Temples to thy Power.  
Thou D●yard's Joy, and Bacchus' Guardian, be●r  
My conscious Prayer, with an attentive Ear.  
My Hands with guiltless Blood I never stained,  
Or Sacrilegiously the Gods Profaned.  
To feeble me, restoring Blessings send,  
I did not th●e, with my whole self o●●●nd.  
Who Sins through weakness is less guilty thought,  
Be pacified, and spare a Venial Fault.  
On me, when Fate shall smiling Gifts bestow,  
I'll not ungrateful to thy Godhead go.  
A destined Goat shall on thy Altar lie,  
And the ●orn'd Parent of my F●ock shall die.  
A sucking Pig appease thy injured Shrine,  
And ballowed Bowls o'reslow with generous Win●.  
Then thrice thy frantic Votaries shall round  
Thy Temple Dance, with Youth and Garlands crowned,  
In Holy Drunkenness thy Orgies sound.  
While I was thus at Prayers, an Old Woman, with her hair about her Eyes, and disfigured with a mournful Habit, coming in, disturbed my Devotions; when taking hold of me, she drew me all fear out of the entry; and what Hag, said she, has devoured your Manhood? Or what Ominous Carcase have you s●umbl'd over in your Nightly walks? You have not acquitted yourself above a Boy; but ●aint, weak, and like a Horse o'ercharged in a steep, tired, have lo●t your toil and sweat; nor content to sin alone, but you have unrevenged against me, provoked the offended Gods.  
When leading me, obedient to all her Commands, a second time to the Cell of a Neighbouring Priestess of Priapus; she threw me upon the Bed, and taking up a stick that fastened the door, revenged herself on me, that very patiently received her ●ury: and at the first stroke, if the breaking of the stick had not lessened its ●orce, she might have broke my Head and Arm.  
I groaned, and hiding with my Arm my Head, in a flood of ●ears leaned on the Pillow: Nor did she then, less troubled, ●it on the Bed, and began in a shrill voice to blame her Age, till the Priestess came in upon us; and what, said she, do you do in my Chapel, as if some Funeral had lately been, rather than a Holiday, in which, even the mournful are merry.  
Alas, my Enothea! said she, this Youth was born under an ill Star; for neither Boy nor Maid can raise him to a perfect Appetite; you ne'er beheld a more unhappy Man: In his Garden, the weak Willow, not the lusty Cedar grows; in short, you may guests what he is, that co●'d rise Unblessed from Circe's Bed.  
Upon this, Enothe● ●ixt h●r self between us, and moving her H●ad a while; I, said she, am the only one that can give a Remedy for that Disease; and not to delay it, let him sleep with me to Night; and next Morning, Examine how vigorous I shall have made him.  
All Natures Works my Magic Powers obey,  
The blooming Earth shall wither and d●cay,  
And when I please, again be fresh and gay.  
From rugged Rocks, I make sweet waters flow,  
And raging Billows to me humbly bow.  
With Rivers, Winds, when I command, obey,  
And at my fe●t, their Fans contracted lay,  
Tigers and Dragons too, my Will obey.  
But these are small, when of my Magic Verse,  
Descending Cynthia does the power confess.  
When my Commands, make trembling Phoebus' Reign,  
His fiery Steeds, their Journey back again.  
Such power have Charms, by whose prevailing aid  
The fury of the raging Bulls was laid.  
The Heavenborn Circe, with her Magic Song,  
Ulysses' Men, did into Monster's turn.  
Proteus, with this assumed, what shape he would.  
ay, who this Art so long have understood,  
Can send proud Ida's top into the Main,  
And make the billows bear it up again.  
I shook with fear at such a Romantic Promise, and began more intentively to view the Old Woman: Upon which, she cried out, O Enothea, be as good as your word; when, carefully wiping her Hands, she lay down on the Bed, and half smothered me with Kisses.  
Enothea, in the middle of the Altar, placed a Turf-Table, which she heaped with burning coals, and her old cracked Cup (for Sacrifice) repaired with tempered pitch; when she had fixed it to the smoaky-wall from which she took it; putting on her Habit, she placed a Kettle by the Fire, and took down a Bag that hung near her, in which, a Bean was kept for that use, and a very aged piece of a Hog's Forehead, with the print of a hundred cuts out; when opening the bag, she threw me a part of the Bean, and bid me carefully strip it. I obey her Command, and try, without daubing my finger's, to deliver the grain from its nasty cover; but she, blaming my dullness, snatched it from me, and skilfully tearing its shells with her Teeth, spit the black morsels from her, that lay like dead Flies on the ground. How ingenious is Poverty, and what strange Arts will Hunger teach? The Priestess seemed so great a Lover of this sort of Life, that her Humour appeared in every thing about her, and her Hut might be truly termed, Sacred to Poverty.  
Here shines no glittering Ivory set with Gold,  
No Marble covers the deluded Mould,  
By its own Wealth deluded; but the Shrine  
With simple Natural Ornaments does shine.  
Round Cere's Bow●r, but homely Willows gro●,  
Earthen are all the Sacred Bowls they know.  
O●ier the Dish, Sacred to use Div●ne:  
Both course and stained, the Jug that holds the Wine.  
Mud mixed with straw, make a defending Fort,  
The Temple's brazen studs, are knobs of dirt.  
With Rush and Reed, is thatched the Hut itself,  
Where, besides what is on a smoky shelf,  
Ripe Service-Berries into Garlands bound,  
And savory-bunches with dried Grapes are found.  
Such a low Cottage Hecal● confined,  
Low was her Cottage, but sublime her Mind.  
Her bounteous Heart, a grateful Praise shall crown,  
And Muse's ma●e Immortal her Renown.  
After which, she tasted of the flesh, and hanging the rest, old as herself, on the hook again; the rotten Stool on which she was mounted breaking, threw her on the fire, her fall split the Kettle, and what it held put out the fire; she burned her Elbow, and all her face was hid with the ashes that her fall had raised.  
Thus disturbed, I arose, and Laughing, took her up; immediately, le●t any thing should hinder ●he offering, she ran for new fire to the Neighbourhood, and had hardly got to the door, ere I was set upon by three Sacred Geese, that daily, I believe, about that time were fed by the Old Woman; they made an hideous noise, and, surrounding me, one tears my Coat, another my Shoes, while their furious Captain made nothing of doing so by my Legs; till seeing myself in danger, I began to be in earnest, and snatching up one of the ●eet of our little Table, made the valiant Animal feel my armed hand; nor content with a slight blow or two, but revenged myself with its death.  
Such were the Birds Alcides did subdue,  
That from his Conquering Arm t'ward Heaven Flew:  
Such sure the Harpies were which Poison strowed,  
On Cheated Phineus' false deluding food.  
Loud Lamentations shake the trembling Air,  
The Powers above the wild confusion share,  
Horrors disturb the Order of the Sky,  
And frighted Stars beyond their Cours●s fly.  
By this time the other two had eat up the pieces of the Bean that lay scattered on the Floor, and having lost their Leader, returned to the Temple. When glad of the Booty, and my revenge, I hea●'d the slight Wound in my Leg with Vinegar. But fearing the Old Woman's an●er, I designed to make off; and taking up my clothes, began my march; nor had I reached the door, ere I saw Enothea bringing in her hand an Earthen Pot filled with Fire; upon which I retreated, and throwing down my clothes, ●ixt myself in the Entry, as if I were impatiently expecting her coming.  
Enothea, entering, placed the Fire, that with broken Sticks she had got together, and having heaped more Wood upon those, began to excuse her stay, that her Friend would not let her go before she had, against the Laws of Drinking, taken off three Healths together. When looking about her, What, said she, have you been doing in my absence? Where's the Bean?  
ay, who thought I had behaved myself very honourably, told her the whole fight; and to end her grief, for the loss of the Bean, presented the Goose: when I showed the Goose, the Old Woman set up such an outcry, that you would have thought the Geese were re-entering the place.  
In confusion and amazed, at so strange a humour, I asked the meaning of her passion? or why she pitied the Goose rather than me.  
But wring her hands, you wicked Wretch, said she, d'ye speak too? D'ye know what you've done? You've killed the God's delight, a Goose the pleasure of all Matrons: And, lest you should think yourself innocent, if a Magistrate should hear of it, you'd be hanged. You have defiled with blood my Cell, that to this day had been inviolate. You have done that, for which, if any's so malicious, he may expel me my Office.  
She said, and trembling, rends her aged Hairs,  
And both her Cheeks with wilder fury tears:  
Sad murmurs from her troubled breast arise,  
A Shower of tears there issued from her eyes.  
And down her face a rapid deluge run,  
Such as is seen, when a Hills frosty Crown,  
By warm Favonius is melted down.  
Upon which, I beseech you● said I, don't grieve, I'll recompense the loss of your Goose with an Ostrich.  
While amazed I spoke, she sat down on the Bed, lamented her loss; at what time Proselenas' came in with the Sacrifice, and viewing the murdered Goose, and enquiring the cause, began very earnestly to cry and pity me, as it had been a Father, not a Goose I had slain. But tired with this stuff, I beseech ye, said I, tell me, tho' it had been a Man I killed, won't Gold wipe off the Gild? See here are two Pieces of Gold: with these you may purchase Gods as well as Geese.  
Which, when Enothea beheld, Pardon me, Young Man, said she, I am only concerned for your safety, which is an argument of Love, not Hatred; therefore we'll take what care we can to prevent a discovery: You have nothing to do, but entreat the Gods to forgive the Sin.  
Who e'er has Money may securely sail,  
On all things with almighty Gold prevail.  
May Dana● wed, or Rival amo'rous Jove,  
And make her Father Pandarus to his Love.  
May be a Poet, Preacher, Lawyer too:  
And bawling win the cause he does not know:  
And up to Cato's Fame for wisdom grow.  
Wealth without Law will gain at Bar renown,  
How e'er the case appears, the cause is won,  
Every rich Lawyer is a Littleton.  
In short of all you wish you are possessed,  
All things prevent the Wealthy man's request,  
For Jove himself's the Treasure of his Chest.  
While my thoughts were thus engaged, she placed a Cup of Wine under my hands, and having cleansed my profane extended fingers with sacred Leeks and Parsley, threw into the Wine, with some Ejaculation, Hazelnuts, and as they sunk or swum gave her judgement; but I well knew the empty rotten ones would swim, and those of entire Kernels go to the bottom.  
When applying herself to the Goose, from its opened Breast, she drew a lusty Liver, and then told me my future Fortune. But that no mark of the Murder might be left, she ●ixt the rend Goose to a Spit, which, as she said, she had fattened a little before, as sensible it was to die.  
In the mean time the Wine went bri●kly ●ound, and now the Old Women gladly devour the Goose, they so lately lamented; when they had picked its Bones, Enothea half drunk, turned to me; and now, said she, I'll finish the Charm that recovers your strength: When drawing out a Leathern Ensign of Priapus, She dipped it in a medley of Oil, small Pepper, and the bruised seed of Nettles, and began by degrees to direct its passage through my hinder parts; with this mixture sh● barbarously sprinkled my Manhood; and with the juice of Cresses and Suthernwood washing the Plate around it, began with a bunch of Green Nettle, to strike gently all the Vale below my Navel. Upon which jumping from her, to avoid the sting, I m●de off. The Old Women in a great rage pursued me, and, tho' drunk with Wine, and their more hot desires, took the right way; and followed me through two or three Villages, crying stop Thief; but with my hands all bloody, in the hasty flight, I got off.  
When I got home, to ease my wearied Limbs, I went to Bed, but the thoughts my misfortunes would not let me sleep; when considering how unparallelled a Wretch I was, I cried out, Did my ever cruel Fortune want the afflictions of love to make me more miserable? O unhappiness! Fortune and Love conspire my ruin. Severer love spares me no way, or loving, or beloved, a Wretch: Chrysis adores me, and is ever giving me occasions to address: She, that when she brought me to her Mistress, despised me for my mean habit as one beneath her desires; that very Chrysis that so scorned my former fortune, pursues this even with the hazard of her own; and swore, when she first discovered to me the violence of her love, that she would be ever true to me. But Circe's in possession of my heart, I value none but her; and indeed who wears such Charms? Compared to her● what was Ariadne or Lyda? what Helen, or even Venus? Paris himself the Umpire of the wanton Nymphs, if with these eyes he had seen her contending for the Golden Apple, would have given both his Helen, and the Goddesses for her. If I might be admitted to kiss her sweet lips again, or once more press her divinely rising Breasts, perhaps my vigour would revive, which now I believe lies oppressed by Witchcraft. I should dispense with m● reproaches, should for●●● that I was beat; esteem my b●ing 〈◊〉 out of doors, ● sport; so I might b● again happy in her favour.  
These thoughts an●●he image of the beautiful C●rces so ●●is'd my mind, that I oft, as if my love was in my a●ms, with a great deal of fruitless ardour hug'd the Bed-cloaths, till out of patienc● with the lasting affliction I began to reproach my impotence; yet recovering my presence of mind, I sl●w for comfort to the misfortunes of ancient Hero's and thus broke out:  
Not only me th' 〈◊〉 Go●s 〈◊〉,  
Oft th●y th●ir 〈◊〉 on ●heir Hero's threw;  
By Juno's rage 〈◊〉 ●●aven b●re,  
And P●lia's injured ●un● 〈◊〉 b●fore.  
〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 res●ntments felt,  
〈◊〉 Tel●phus's 〈…〉 ●is guilt.  
W● 〈◊〉 ●●om 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 run;  
Cra●●y 〈◊〉 ●ou'd 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 ●hun.  
〈◊〉 P●●●pus 〈…〉 S●●●,  
●as l●ft his 〈…〉.  
Full of anxious car●s I spent the night: and Gito, informed tha●● lay at hom●● entered my Chamber by daybreak, when having passionately complained of my loose life, h●●old m● the Family took much notice of my behaviour, that I was seldom in waiting, and ●hat perhaps the Company I kept would be my ruin.  
By this I understood he was informed of my Affairs; and that some one had been in pursuit of me; upon which I asked my Gito whether any body was to inquire for me? Not this day, said he, but yesterday there came a very pretty Woman, who, when she had tired me with a long si●tting-Discourse; at last told me you deserved to be punished, and should as a Slave, if you longer complained.  
This so sensibly touched me, that I began afresh to reproach Fortune: Nor had I done, ere Chrysis came in, and wildly throwing her Arms about me: Now, said she, I'll hold my wish, you're my Love, my Joy; nor may you think to quench this flame, but by a more close embrace.  
I was much disturbed at Chrysi's Wantonness, and gave her ●air Language, to get rid of her; for I was very apprehensive of the danger of Eumolpus' hearing it, since his Good Fortune had made him so proud. I did therefore what I could to appease her rage; I dissembled love, whispered soft things, and in short managed it so like a Lover, that she believed me one. I made her understand in what danger we both were, if she should be found with me in that place, and that our Lord Eumolpus punished the least offence. Upon which she immediately made out, and the more hastily, because she saw Gito returning, who had left me a little before she came.  
She was scarce out, when on a sudden one of the Slaves came to me, and told me that our Lord so highly resented my two days absence, that unless, as he advised me, I invented a good excuse to allay his heat, I should certainly be punished.  
Gito perceiving how concerned I was, spoke not a word of the Woman, but advised me to behave myself merrily to Eumolpus, rather than serious. I pursued the counsel, and put on so pleasant a face that he received me in Drollery, without the grave stiffness of a Master: He was plea●ant on the success of my Amours: Praised my Mien and Wit that was so agreeable to the Ladies: and I'm no stranger, said he, to your love of a very beautiful Lady. But now, Encolpius, that rightly managed, may turn to our advantage; therefore do you Personate the Lover, I'll continue the Character I've begun.  
He was yet speaking, when there entered the Room a very Venerable Matron, her Name Philumene, who by the well managed Virtues of her S●x had often got great Boo●ies, and now grown old, and past her blooming years, she'd thrust her Son and Daughter upon childless Old-men, and thus continue her device. She therefore comes to Eumolpus, and addressing, commends her Children to his Conduct, that herself, and all her hopes she committed to his wisdom: that he was the only one in this world that with useful Precepts could daily inform the minds of young people. In short, that she would leave her Children there, to hear his Wisdom, which was the only portion she could give them: Nor was she worse than her word; and leaving a very beautiful Girl, with her little Brother, went out with pretence to pay Heaven public thanks in the Temple for what she had received. Eumolpus to whom myself seemed but a Boy, immediately invited the Girl to sacrifice to Priapus; but having publicly reported himself to be Gouty and feeble, it might endanger his fortune to alter his Character. Therefore to maintain his pretence, he intr●●ted the Girl to ●avour his weakness by ●●tting uppermost; the ●oy he ordered to get under the Bed, ●hat placing his hands on the Ground, with his Body he might move him up and down. He unwillingly obeyed; and now in a just motion keeps time with his Sister above. ●ut when the business was coming to an issue, Eumolpus loudly called to the Boy to quicken his strokes; and thus placed between his Mistress, and the Boy, unconcerned enjoyed an ●asi● luxury at others toil and sin. Eumolpus pleased with the conceit, often repeated his humour. And I ●oo, ●earing my Virtues might rust by disuse, wh●●e the Boy was admiring his Sisters moving Engine, advanced to try whether he would be a Patient in Love. The discreet Youth did not reject the invitation, but my adverse fortune still attended me.  
I was not so concerned at this as the former; for a little after my strength returned, and finding myself more vigorous, I cried ou●, the courteous Gods are greater that have made me whole again. For Mercury, that conveys and reconveys our souls, by his ●avour● has restored. wh●t his a●ger had ●●iz'd: now I shall be in as great esteem as Protesilaus or any of the Ancients. Upon which taking up my clothes, I showed my whole self to Eumolpus, he startled at first● but soon, to confirm his ●●lief● with both hands chased the mighty favour of the Gods.  
This great blessing making us merry, we laughed at ●●ilumen●'s cunning, and her children's experience in the art, which would profit 'em little with us; for to no other end were they le●t, but to b● 〈◊〉 to what we had. When reflecting on thi●●ordid manner of deceiving childless ag●, I took occasion to consider the condi●ion of our present fortune, and told Eumolpus that the deceivers might be deceived, that therefore all our actions should be of a piece with the Character we bore. That Socrates, the wisest of Men, used to boast he never saw a Tavern, nor ever had been in the common company that frequents such places. That nothing was more convenient than a discreet behaviour. All these are truths; nor should any ●ort of Men, added I, more expect the sudden assaults of ill fortune, than those that covet what's other men's. But how should Pick-Pockets live, unless, by some well ordered trick, to draw Fools together, they get employment? As Fish are taken with what they really eat; so Men are to be cheated with something that's solid, not empty hopes; thus the People of this Country have hitherto received us very nobly: but when they find the arrival of no Ship from afric, laden, as you told 'em, with Riches, and your Retinue; the impatient deceivers will lessen their bounty; therefore, or I'm mistaken, or Fortune begins to repent her Favours.  
I have thought of a means, said Eumolpus, to make our deceivers continue their care of us. And drawing his Will out of his Purse, thus read the last lines of it.  
All that have Legacies in this my last Will and Testament, my freed Men excepted, receives 'em on these conditions, that they divide my Body, and ea● it before the People. And that they may not think it an unjust demand, let them know, that to this day 'tis the custom of many Countries, that the Relations of the Dead devour the Carcase; and for that reason they often quarrel with their ●ick Kindred, because they spoil their flesh by lingering in a Disease. I only instance this to my Friends, that they may not refuse to perform my Will; but with the same sincerity they wished well to my Soul, they might devour my Body.  
When he had read the chief Articles, some that were more intimately acquainted with him, entered the Chamber, and viewing the Will, earnestly entreated him to impart the contents of it; he readily consented and read the whole. But when they heard the necessity of eating his Carcase, they seemed much concerned at the strange Proposal; but their insatiate love of the Money made 'em sti●le their passion, and his Person was so awful to 'em, they durst not complain. But one of '●m, Gorgias by name, briskly told him he was willing to accept the conditions, so he might not wait for the Body.  
To thi● Eumolpus, I'm not in the least apprehensive of your performance, nor that your stomach would refuse the task, when to recompense one distasteful minute you promise ages of Luxury. 'Tis but shutting your Eyes, and supposing instead of Man's ●lesh you were eating an hundred Sesterces. Some Sauce may be added to vary the taste; for no ●lesh pleases alone, but is prepared by art to commend it to the Stomach. If you desire instances of this kind to make ye approve my advice; the Saguntines when they were besieged by Hannibal, eat Humane Bodies, without the hopes of an Estate for doing it. The Petav●i reduced to the last extremity did the like; nor had they further hopes in this Banquet than to satisfy Nature. When Scipio took Numantia, Mothers were found with th●ir Children half eaten in their Arms. But since the thoughts only of eating Man's flesh create the loathing; 'tis but resolving, and you gain the Mighty Legacies I leave you.  
Eumolpus recounted these shameless inhumanities' with so much confusion, that his Parasites began to suspect him, and more nearly considering our words and actions, their jealousy increased with their observation, and they believed us perfect Cheats. Upon which those who had received us mo●t nobly, resolved to seize us, and justly take their revenge; but Chrysis, privy to all Stratagems, gave me notice of their designs; the frightful news so struck me, that I made off with Gito immediately, and le●t Eumolpus to the mercy of his Enemies; and in a few days we heard the Crotonians raging, that that old Rascal should live so long at such a sumptuous rate on the public charge, sacrificed him the Massilian way. Whenever the Massilians were visited with a Plague, some one of the poorest of the people, for the sake of being well fed a whole year at the public charge, would offer himself a Sacrifice to appease the Gods: He after his year was up, dressed in Holy Wreath and Sacred Garment, was led about the City with Invocations on the Gods, that all the sins of the Nation might be punished in him; and so was thrown from a Precipice.  
FINIS.   

ERRATA In the Second Part.  
PAge. 18. verse 11. for our ruin, read their ruin p. 33. line. 4. for so in a Sheep's hide, extended, r. in a Sheep● hide so extended. p. 37 l. 11. for rude and neglected, r. rude neglected. p. 40 l. 17. for desire life, r. envy life. p. 42. l. 22. for into a Longboat, r. into the Longboat. p. 44. l. 21. for so neatly r. so nearly. p. 53. l. 14. for prescribjd, r. proscribed. p. 58. v. 2. for deserved the rage, r. deserved your rage p. 59 l. 13. for lest my grudge. r. lest any grudge. p. 60. v. 11. for Mushroons, r. Mushroon. p. 61. l. penult. for ye forgot, r. they forgot. p. 83. v. 11. for more out of fashion, r. wore out of fashion. p. 89. v. 8. for shake r. shaken p. 94. v. 19 for the Foes r. the Foe. p● 102. l. 7. for Praxiletes, r. Praxiteles. p. 116. v. 1. for why do ye, r. why do the. v 4● for which all the People do, r. and all the People do.   

A Catalogue of Books, Printed for Sam. Briscoe in Russel-Street in Covent-Garden.  
THE History of Polybius the Megalopolitan, containing a general Account of the Transactions of the World, and principally of the Roman People, during the first and second Punic Wars, with Maps; describing the Places where the most considerable Engagement and Battles were fought, both by Sea and Land: Also an Account of their Policies and Stratagems of War, of the Ancient Romans, in Conquering the greatest part of the then known World, in Fifty three years: Translated by Sir H. S. To which is added, a Character of Polybius and his Writings: By Mr. Dryden, in Two Volumes. 8vo. Price 10 s.  
The Lives of the Twelve Caesar's the first Emperors of Rome Written in Latin by C. Suetonius Tranquillus. Translated into English by several Eminent Hands, with the Heads of the Emperors on Copper-Plates.  
The Complete Captain: Or, Julius Caesar's Commentaries, with Political Remarks on the Wars with the Gauls, the Britan's, Spaniards, Africans, Alexandrians, and the Civil Wars, with the Military Discipline of the Greeks and Romans: To which is added the Maxims of Wars now in use, together with a Comparison betwixt the Ancient and Modern Way of making War, with Observations on both. By Henry Duke of Rohan.  
The Young Lawyer's Recreation: Being a Choice Collection of several Pleasant Trials, Cases, Passages and Customs in the Law; for the Entertainment as well as Profit of Lawyers and Gentlemen.  
Advice to a Young Lord, Written by his Father, under these following Heads, viz. Religion, Stud● and Exercise, Travel, Marriage, House-keeping, Hospitality, of the Court, of Friendship, of Pleasure and Idleness, of Conversation.  
Aristotle's Rh●●●rick, or, the true Grounds and Principles of Oratory, showing the right Art of Pleading and Speaking in full Assemblies and Courts of ●udicature. In four Books. Second Edition.  
The Religious Stoic, or a short Discourse on several Subject●● Viz. Of Atheism, Superstition, the World's Creation, Eternity, Providence, The●logie, Strictness of Churches, of the Scriptures, of the Moral and Judicial Law, of Monsters, of Man and his Creation, of the Immortality of the Soul, of Faith and Reason, of the Fall of Angels, and what their Sin was, of Man's Fall, of the Style of Genesis, why Man fell, with a Refutation to the Millennaries; with a Friendly Address to the fanatics of all Sects and Sorts. The Second Edition, by Sir George Mackenzie.  
A Moral Essay, preferring Solitude to Public Employment, and all its Appennages, such as Fame, Command, Riches, Pleasures, Conversation. By Sir George Mackenzie. Second Edition.  
Jovial Poems and Songs by several Hands.  
Ovid's Epistles, Translated by several Hands, Adorned with Cuts.  
Physical and Mathematical Memoirs● Written at the Royal Academy of Paris.  Female Gallant: 
Or, the Wife's the Cuckold: A True New Novel. Written by Mr. Alexander Oldis.  German Heroine: 
A Gallant Novel. Written by Dr. B●llon.  
A Collection of Letters of Love and Gallantry, and other several subjects: All written by the Ladies: With the Memoirs, Life, and Adventures of a young Lady. Written by her own Hand, Vol. 1.  
The Second Volume will be speedily Published, containing several curious Letters, sent by Ladies and Gentlewomen.  
A Complete Collection of Mr. Durffey's Songs, in Three Parts.  Plays. Sophonisba: 
Or, Hannibal's Overthrow. A Tragedy, by Mr. Lee.  
Love for Money, or the Boarding-School. By Mr. Durfey.  
Marriage-Hater Matched. A Comedy, by Mr. Durfey.  
Richmond-Heiress, or a Woman once in the Right. A Comedy, by Mr. Durfey.  Wives Excuse: 
Or, Cuckolds make themselves. A Comedy, with a Copy of Verses to the Author, by Mr. Dryden.  
Traitor, a Tragedy: Written by Mr. Rivers.  
True Widow a Comedy, by Mr. Tho.  Shadwell: 
Corrected and amended by Sir Charles Sidley, Baronet.  
Very Good Wife, a Comedy, Acted at the Theatre Royal.  
There is in the Press, and will speedily be Published Don Quixot, or the Knight Erranat, Comical Opera, in two Parts. With Variety of Songs set by the ●est Masters. Written by Mr. Durfey.  
Where you may be also furnished with most ●orts of Plays●