Psittacorum Regio. The LAND of PARROTS: Or, The She-lands.  
WITH A Description of other strange adjacent Countries, in the Dominions of PRINCE DEL ' AMOUR, not hitherto found in any GEOGRAPHICAL MAP.  
By one of the late most reputed Wits.  
The Prophecy of Seneca in Medea▪  
— Venient annis, etc.  

— When certain years are spent,  
Hereafter shall the spumy Ocean show  
His secret store, and open to Mortals view  
A larger Continent.—   
Licenced Nou. 9 1668.  
London, Printed for F. Kirkman, and are to be sold at his Shop under St. Ethelboroughs Church in Bishops-gate-street. 1669.  
Gluttonia Gurmond Hall.  
Frolic Fatness here doth dwell.  
Keep Leanness out, and all goes well.  
Quaffonia. Gulpers Court.  
The house of youthful mirth and Lusty che●●  
Peace, wine, short rest, have all their mansion 〈◊〉  
The Land of Parrots Of the She-ands And ●●er Dominions of Prince del Amour.  
Blackswanstack or Modestiana Shrewesbourg. Cockatrixi Blubberick Tatlingen Gossipinga● Scoldonna the Palace of Prince Del Amour the Prince Sliver streams Flu: a Clawback Courtier Hermaphrodites   

PREADMONITION To the READER.  
Courteous Reader.  
Only in one thing I must entreat your favourable censure, and that is in my allusions here and there, unto the names of some Cities and places; assuring you (as your ingenious examination of the particulars will persuade you better) that I had no intent to intimate any Collation or Referenceof the State or Manners of those I describe, unto theirs to which I allude. Let this Protestation therefore clear me from si●ister Imputations, and you from all unjust suppositions.  
And know all you that have not yet seen these Lands, but do intend to take a view of them hereafter; that you must first take one of the French Doctors Pills, Despovilez vous dtout affection; and this will enable you fully to endure the alteration of all Airs in this Clime. Secondly, you must not follow my example to travel at the first single, but two or three in a company; for one you know may apprehend more than another can; and I myself that thus miscarried, give you this warning, having incurred my own misfortune only by this my desperate neglect, which you may also occasion by your too much conversing with the She-landers. Thirdly, you must go over the Country thrice, ere you shall be able to make any exact platform of it: once for Strabo, who ●●●ay somewhat inform you for Geography; once for Socrates, who may instruct you in the Morality; once for Merlin Cocaius, who perhaps may acquaint you with the Languagè and Etymology. No more at this time, but aboard when you please, and à good gale of Wit go along with you.   

Psittacorum Regio; THE LAND of PARROTS; OR, The Sheelands: WITH A Description of some other strange adjacent Countries in the Dominions OF Prince de l' Amour.  
I Know not yet what Travel means, if he that leaves his Native soil, to pass but into another Country, or over a Neighbour-river (admit it be the Rhine or the Tweed) deserve the name (as vulgar opinion seems to allow) whereas he never changes either Sky, Air, or Soil: I see not (if this be true) any profit, or any worth in the World contained in Travel. My Parents and my friend at Mountauban have written very often for my return, as though were far from them: whereas I (believe me) have imagined myself fo● two whole years there, as if I ha● been at home: for how little a way is it from Mountauban to Paris from Paris to Calais, from Calais to Dover! truly when I think of the Land, it seems about an elle; in the Map, a finger's breadth; in the form of the Heavens, just nothing. Not see I any reason why that England should be held my native soil more than all Europe: for if you stand upon diversity of Language, how many Languages differ from ours If the conditions of the Nation move ye, view not Europe, but view the whole world, and every Province thereof, leaning to the qualities of those that adjoin to it; at the Polypus is said to change to the colour of every stone she comes near. Turn you therefore which way you will, I cannot see how this half a foot travel can benefit us any way. Indeed I hold, that our Drake and our Candish were Travellers, as also Sebastiano Delcano the Portuguess, because their Voyages put girdles about the whole World: nay, I will allow Christopher Collono that name also, for his discovery of the West-Indies; Francisco Piccaro, and Almagro, for Peru; Hernando Magellano, for the Molucca's; and Sir Hugh Willoughby, for his Northern discoveries; together with all such as have found out unknown Regions, or have reduced them to order. And truly (I will tell you plainly) my mind did prompt me to an enterprise of this kind, such a one as the world might gaze at, and all posterity record with admiration. Heroic thoughts having ●ired my breast full often, and whilst others neglected them, have kindled a bold attempt in me, Methoughts I saw these unknown Lands, which no man s● much as dreamt of; which cause● me as cheerfully to resolve to discover them, for I could not do other wise then imagine but that they did lie towards the Cape of Good-Hope Valiant Countrymen, we mus● hope, and we must dare. Bug-bear● of dangers are only sit to fright Babies, whereas they do but animate bolder spirits; if we should stick at them, we should never look out at our own doors. This was the cause that America was so long unknown; and had been still (fo● ought I see) had not a Dove been sent as it were from Heaven, which plucking off the Olive-branch from this Continent, taught us by that, that there was more Land, and les● Sea than we dreamt of. O how sacred shall his name be to all posterity! his Statue shall be advanced for us to gaze upon, and to remain whilst the Earth keeps her foundation. It is as great a glory (think I) to be called The new World's Discoverer, as her Conqueror. And why may not we have the same success, and the like glory? I am verily persuaded, that the large Continent that Seneca prophesied of, is yet undiscovered, and remains to yield us this honour, if we dare venture on it. I do not question but that there are some will follow me in this my late famous enterprise; for whose greater delight and encouragement, I have written this discovery, which I present to the world in this following Relation.  
After I had taken leave of my friends and acquaintance, I embarked at All winds Port, in a Ship called the Fancy: we say led very prosperously for some days; at length we fell into a Current which our Pilots were not acquainted with; and being unable to resist its impetuosity, we were hurried to a Land which had not yet been discovered. As soon as we had cast anchor there, it being very secure riding all about, we sent Captain Young on shore, with two of our best Soldiers, Merry man and Good fellow, to discover what they could of the Country: from whom after a short space for their return, we had this following Relation, That this new discovered part of the World was called Psittacorum Regio, or, Womandecoia the she-lands, which are in the Dominions of Prince de l' Amour, situated towards the Cape of Good Hope, looking towards the Tropic of Capricorn●s; a Country replenished with many Fountains of Orange flower water, and Trees whose heads are ever green; and such a great quantity of Sweet William and Rosemary, that the very air is perfumed with it.  
That the Grounds were fertile enough, but badly Husbanded (it being pity it should be otherwise, the men being so shrewdly wived) yet nevertheless, sometimes they are more fruitful than the inhabitants desire; for they bring forth before their time; and the fruit falling so plentifully before it is expected, doth cause very great differences, to the detriment and disquiet of the Public good.  
They acquainted us also, that before we could arrive at the She-lands, we must pass through several Provinces, both large and rich, yet all of several Conditions, Habits and Languages.  
We could not but rest satisfied with their intelligence; wherefore (after we had taken care and well provided for our Ship) and refreshed ourselves, we resolved to try our various Adventures. For my part, I so depended upon their relation, that I could not otherwise then believe that the Country was rather pleasant then dangerous; in somuch that I traveled so far into it without any conduct, that I mistook my way, but at last fortunately discovered a strange Province called Gluttonia (High diet being an introducer into Lasciviania) which is also in Prince de l' Amours Dominions.  
The soil of this Province is worthily admirable, the Air delicately temperate. O how it pitied me, that so bad Husbandmen should possess so fruitful and pleasant a habitation! In Latitude it lieth full thirty two degrees, and in Longitude forty four: it joins to Quaffonia, where they speak the same language, and are situate in the same Longitude and Latitude: they have both one Prince, one Law; and a happy Reformation (if there could be such a one) would make them concur both in Prince, Law, Habit and Manners. The She-Landresses of Womandecoia traffic much hither, but more to Lasciviania, where (when there is a truce between them and that Province) they use to make exchange by bartering of Crystalline Glasses for Unguents and Pomanders.  
To avoid prolixity, I shall here chiefly discourse of the present customs and manners of the Natives of this Country. Every Month they are bound by their Law (and would be so, were there no Law) to celebrate a solemn Feast, where every Aldergut of the whole Society must present himself, all excuses and delays whatsoever set a part, to consult (after dinner; for before, it is unlawful for any one to give his voice) about the public good. The place where they meet is Gurmonds-Hall: every one knoweth his seat, and hath his Jourdan or Chamber-pot standing by him, in a little Coffer made for the purpose. Well, being met, and having turned their Wine into Water, and their Oysters into Shells; every one takes his Chair, and to dinner they go. Their daintiest dishes are evermore the first sacrifices unto their stomaches: for they hold that the best meat meeteth fittest with the best appetite. Now they do not count it convenient, as to their appetites, in any case to have their Boars, Sheep, Goats, Lambs, etc. served up in parcels and joints, as we of Europe use; but they must have all whole, (the old Romans taught them that:) you shall see the Waiters come sweeting with a whole Hog, or an whole Calf, upon a great pewter Engine, you would bless yourself to behold it. He that riseth before six hours are fully run, incurs a most rigorous Fine: and after this, for a while they eat and drink by little and little only (for that cause that made Aristotle's Parasite Philoxenus wish himself the neck of a Crane) to take the more delight in the delicacies. But for the breaking up of the Feast, they observe this order: They have a door in their Hall, large enough for the greatest Gut-monger that lives, take him fasting: at this door they all enter, when they come to the Feast; which being ended, he that offers to pass the same way that he came, and cannot get his belly thorough, is let forth another way: but he that passeth as easily as he came in, is stayed by an Officer appointed for that purpose, called the Sergeant of the Maw, and brought back again, (will he, nill he) where he must settle himself to a new Collation, until his belly be able to kiss both the cheeks of the door at once; and then he is dismissed. (I cannot be fully persuaded, but the creeping through Saint Wilfrids' Needle, which was whilom to be seen in Bever-Castle, was a device brought by some ancient Pilgrim, from this more ancient custom.) Nay, mark but whether these men have not a care of the City's credit. They have a common Hospital (and that I'll assure you a large one) wherein all such as have got the Dropsy, the Gout, the Cough of the Lungs, or any such malady by too much eating, are maintained at the public charge. But all such as have lost their Teeth by age, or by supping their Broth too hot, are forthwith provided for conveniently, and sent away into Spoon-meat-Islands.  
Most of these Citizens are of an unmeasurable grossness (and seemed to me when I saw them, to walk much like so many tuns, moving each upon Pottle-pots:) nor is that man worthy of their meanest salutation, that is not all cheeks to the belly, and all belly to the feet; like him whose Epitath this was:  

Here lies Sir John of Red-cross-street:  
He was beard to the belly, and belly to the feet.   
And such shapes do the Women of this City walk in also: (the Germane Towns do pretty well in imitation of these Great Bosses; but the Barbarians come very near them) the young Women may not marry till such time, as before a Bench of Matrons, they make a public demonstration to their Husbands that shall be, that their Dugs and Chins may meet without any forcing of either. They go for the most part all naked, only the Alderguts may wear Gowns; marry, those must be only the Skins of such Beasts as they are able to devour alone at one sitting. Yet there is no Freeman of the Town, but wears a large Knife, and a Spoon as big as a Ladle bound to his right arm. Before, upon his breasts, each one weareth a poke of Haircloth, to save what otherwise may fall besides, and to wipe their mouths withal; but those they use so long in this greasy employ meant, that whether their shining exceed their blackness, or their blackness their shining, he had need to be well sighted that should distinguish. They are naturally dull of wit, and slow of apprehension; and yet, notwithstanding, most perfect in all the Arts they respect. Their Schools have no Lectures read in them, but only Apicius his Institutions of the Art of Muncherie: and there all the young Fry are taught the Sciences of Carving, Chewing and Swallowing: Oh most profoundly! The Gluttonian Lecturer (when I was there) was one Doctor Full-Gorge, a man most rare in his Profession; and instead of Grammar, he read the first Section of the aforesaid Institutions of Apicius. Their Library is a large room, ranked full of Pots, Kettles, Spits, and belly-Utensils of all sorts, every sort being enseamed in their several Classes: the Scholars have also each one his full Pot, and his laden Platter, for his book: the Freshmen have lesser measures, the Sophisters larger, and so up to the Graduates. The first, perhaps, hath his Pint and his Pullet; the next, his Quart and his Goose; the third, his Pottle and Quarter of Lamb, or his Gammon of Bacon; and so upwards: nor may any leave his task, or have leave to play, till he have made an end of what was enjoined him. If one stay seven years in these Schools, and benefit nothing, he is, forsooth, banished for ever into Starveling-Isles, to Hungerland is he sent immediately, to diet upon Spanish dinners, furnished with half Pilchers. Thither also they thrust all Physicians and Prescribers of diets: if any of them are ill at ease (let Asclepiades swagger and hang if he will) he presently eats a raw Radish, drinks a little hot Water, spews a while; and within a quarter of an hour, Viah, he lets fly upon Ajax, and afterwards rises up as sound as a bell.  
This Region aboundeth with Rivers, whose course is (most of them) uncertain, because of the abundance of Ordure that stops them, sometimes here, and sometimes there; but generally (take this for an infallible rule) at the beginning of January, and the end of February, they are sure all of them to overflow the Banks, and (if the breaches be not stopped in time) to do much harm in the Pastures adjoining.  
Gourmonds-hall is a very fair large House, beautifully set forth with Arched-bay-Windows; and upon the front of the entrance were written in Letters of Gold, this gutling inscription.  

Frolick-fatness here doth dwell:  
Keep leanness out, and all goes well.   
And within there hung a Table chained to a Marble Pillar, containing these inviolable Laws. Be it Enacted,  

1. That eating but one meal a day, be henceforth held for a capital transgression.  
2. That he that overthrows a full dish or a cup rashly, be forthwith by virtue of this Statute enjoined to stand up right on his feet, and having a dish of Broth set between his heels, to eat it up with a Thimble.  
3. That none eat alone, nor violate the Laws of the Table by any private suppers: but that every Citizen do eat either in the street, or in any open window, upon pain of eating his next meal with his heels u● wards.  
4. That whosoever forbeareth eat or sleep some hours together, ● satisfy the State by eating two Suppers.  
5. If the Mouth be full, it sha● be sufficient to give an answer holding up the Finger.  
6. That conspirators against ●● State of Gluttonia, be forthwith starved to death; and other Mal● factors punished with the loss of Tooth.  
7. That all Cooks that dress no their meat according to the judici●ous Palate, be immediately bo●●● unto Stakes, and flesh half-roast●● hung by them, until some pitiful and hungry spectator take compass● on upon them, so as to eat it all up.  
8. That to belch be held not one● lawful, but honourable also: and the the Government of the next following Feast be assigned to him, th● broke wind the strongest at the last.  
9 That every man's weekly Maungery be brought in a billa vera, by his fellow Gourmandizer, unto the Register to be recorded; and withal, that if he have not fulfilled the Law in that case enacted, he may accordly be fined.   
Signed All-Paunch.  
Those that are the least offenders, are put for four and twenty hours into the Temple of Famine; a Prison directly contrary to our Bedlam, Bedlam in Hebrew signifying bread. It stands without the City, as Aesculapius his Temple stood without Rome: but not for healths sake, (as Plutarch saith that did) but only lest such as are condemned to that Gaol, should so much as once sent the Air of the Kitchin. The Walls of it are painted about with all manner of good Victuals, to excite the prisoners appetite, to his greater vexation by tantalising of him.  
I next arrived at Quaffonia, o● which I would have none to expe●● any exact description, for I dur● not for my ears go into any City o● the whole Province, until it wa● dark night, that all the Citizen were wrapped in Wine and war● Clothes; and then (you cannot bu● imagine) that it must be otherwise then very unlikely, that I shoul● discover many remarkable things you may perhaps say, what shoul● you fear? Faith I'll tell ye: harkin your ear! I feared the Bourgom●sters bounty; for their fashion is as soon as any one sets foot in at th● City-gate, to give him, by my troth as I was informed, not a few c● rouses, and lifts of Wine for hi● welcome: Oh, they receive him i● pomp; and all out of the Commo● Purse of the City: He must pul● all off, and drink fair to a pearl on his Nail, or else he is held an ungrateful, unmannerly fellow; and which is worse, a direct Foe to the common good of the City. Now I feared both this honour and this danger; and therefore you cannot in the least question, but that your scruple of Conscience is fully answered.  
This Province is as large as Gluttonia; but if it were less, what that hath in wealth, this hath in intemperance. There is no Country or Nation under the cope of Heaven so fortunate in the abundant delicate juice of the Grape, as this is. The peculiar Wines of all our Kingdoms of Europe; the Germans Rhenish; the Frenchman's White and Claret; the Spaniards Xerez, Malaga, and the Canaries; tush, they have them all in excess. The temperature of their bodies are somewhat different from the Gluttonians, for they delight in the quality of heat and drought; whereas th● Quaffonians more especially affe● heat and moisture: But their body and their Wits hold both one Key in difference: for the Fuddle lander, as they are more ingenious than the Eat aliens, so are they mor● lascivious in their young years, a● they are generally more quick witted; but being come to a graver age, (especially old age) the● grow so forgetful, that one may cal● them So●s; you shall unto have on● amongst twenty of them that can remember his own name.  
There is not any River in the world comparable to that which runneth through this Province; Dan●w, Thames, Seyne, or, Sir Walter Raleigh's River in Guania, put them all in, they are but kennels to this: For besides the pleasing Meanders that he makes in his wanton course, the water is so sweet and delicate, that neither the best Europe's Wine, nor the Turks delicious Zerbeth (though made of honey and water) can possibly go beyond it. This worthy Son of the Ocean, hath one peculiar Fish belongeth unto it, called a Tap; and this Fish will sometimes lie by the Shore, and spout a great quantity of water aloft (marry, the remaining of it in his belly hath made it somewhat more pleasing to the taste than it was before) and this the Inhabitants watch for in Boats; and when they get it, they highly esteem of it. This River passeth through Turning-fry: Faith I had almost forgotten one Town, it goeth from thence to Celleridge, ere it comes to Broachingford, and so by Broachingford passeth directly unto Carousakannikin, the prime City of the whole Province. It is a name that I understand not, further than I have a little light from the German Tongue: but as for the City, it is built upon a Hill, and carrieth the form of a Tankard, from what Quarter soever you behold it. It i● of ancient renown, and one of the best seated Ports for traffic in all the whole Land. On the East part it is strongly fortified with Barricadoes and Bulwarks of Barrels, and the Roofs of the House are most of one and the same manner, covered with the boards of broken Casks: In the entrance of the Gates, from morning until night, there is placed a double Cannon of Pewter (for their Law commandeth this to be duly observed) the Citizens call it the Flagon of Hospitality; and round about it▪ are these words engraven, Aut bibe, aut abi; Drink or be gone. He that arriveth must either drink it all off, or else he is carried before the Magistrate, to render an account of his Contumacy. The Arms of the City are advanced over the Gate; and they are the three Horseleeches upon three naked Feet in a bloody Field; the word, Plaenae quiescimus; Being full we rest. Here by a fortunate chance I met with a Lascivianian born, who was bound for the City, as well as I; his name he told me was Cinciglion, an Italian would expressing the noise that the Wine maketh in running from the Tap. He (being acquainted with their fashions) brought me secretly by night into the Town, and showed me such things as I should never have discovered of myself. Their buildings are not much unlike to the Gluttonians, but that the Fronts of their Houses are so wholly hid with spreading Vines, that▪ had▪ I not seen the Signs hang out on every side, I should have sworn I had been in a Vineyard, and not in a City: Believe me, it was a pleasant spectacle. In the Marketplace are all the Measures hung up in Chains, sealed with a stamp on their tops▪ The Inhabitants go naked, but for a wreath of Vines about their foreheads; their skins are painted, some with such ●ipling Figures as Nature breathes forth; others after the manner of the Picts and ancient Britain's: You shall have some painted so perfectly after a Flagon, that if he set but his hands on his sides, you would swear that it were a living Flagon. I did see one also, so directly in the shape of a Whale, that when he vomited, no man in the world but would have taken him for a live Whale, spewing up the Ocean.  
I had a great desire to see the manner of their public Feasts, and yet not to be seen by the Citizens. So my Comrade at last agreed to perform my request, and to satisfy my longing; indeed he gave me withal certain cautions of danger, that I might avoid, if I were discovered; and likewise he informed me in some necessaty points of behaviour: so having my instructions about me, he being my conduct, we got us into the Town-hall, in the evening, unspyed of any. By and by came the Quaffonians, just as the Glottonians do, only they had more drink, and less meat. Every one had his purveyance, at either Elbow a Pisspot for his Urine on one side, and a Bowl for his Vomit on the other.  
At first, they begin a sacrifice to Bacchus, their General God: not as the Romans did of old, with pouring a little Wine upon the ground; no, no, far more religiously, and with more stately Ceremonies. At the upper end of the Table stands a stately Statue of Bacchus, holding in his right-hand a mighty great Goblet, of such weight, that (as Virgil said once) the left hand now and then, as it were, endeavours to help her Sister. Into this Goblet, or standing Cup, the Master of the Ceremonies, in the Name of the whole Company, p●●rs a roundlet of Wine, (it holds no● le●●, if you will believe me) which passing in Pipes, as if it were in Ve●●s, into his Mouth, when he pissed, both at once made a pretty show, as if he had both pissed Wine and spewed it, all in a moment. And this is the Hour glass proportioning the continuance of the Feast; for when he leaveth pouring out▪ they must all leave pouring in▪ Then, Sirs, comes me up a Service of Shooing-horns (do you see) of all sorts, Salt-cakes, Red-herrings, Pickled-herrings, Anchovies, and Gammons of Bacon, (Westphalia may go pipe in an Ivie-Leaf, if it seek to equal these) and abundance of such putters on. And then begins the full Pots to go round about the Table, and the empty against the Walls; so that you cannot tell whether they are▪ sooner filled to be emptied, or emptified to be filled; but (as Plautus ●aith of one) the Drink is sure to go off, be it out of Can, or Jourdan. Now when one of them will drink to another, he first challength him with a solemn Ceremonial Song, the Relics of some Tavern-Catch. And then they join hands fast together, and giving a sound shake or two, the ●●●llenger advanceth his mo●●● e●●● Weapon, and blows it dry: ●● may puff a little, but the Pot is disrobed of his Liquor, ere it be severed from his gripe: and then the other answereth him at his own Weapon. The second course is not very dainty; but how soever, they moisten it well with redoubled Rouses. Then comes the Fruit with the third Course, and that in truth is very rarely furnished; and being almost finished, and the Cloth being then thrust on a heap, the Master of the Ceremonies cryeth Healths, three times with a loud voice. I imagined this had been a summons to the breaking up of the Company, and was going thence; when my Associate pulled me by the sleeve: Why, how now you sleepy spectator (quoth he) would you be gone when the feast is hardly begun? stay till the conclusion of it, I bescech ye: do you see how fast God Bacchus his Hourglass runs? So I sat down again and stayed. Then steps me out one of the Company, and taking off his wreath, down upon his knees he placeth himself, (I thought he had been going to his prayers) and presently calls for a Quartpot; An health (quoth he) unto great Bousing-gut our Tun-strider; and presently the Pot stops his Mouth: he drinks, he puffs, he belches, he talks, until within a while he had gulped down as many Quarts, as his Name had Letters; and when he had done, he falls a spewing, till all cried twang again, and dies (as Horace said)  

The Pavements where he stood,  
With proud Lyaean blood.   
Well, they all follow in order from the highest to the lowest, each one with the same Port; execution, and ejection; proving himself hereby, also a faithful Citizen, and (which is more) a strenuous Tossaffakan. This past, up starts another, with this Catch:  

A health to you and us, this day,  
And a health to all Drink-alia:   
Seasoning his Song with many a goodly belch (quoth he) it is a hot night, let's drink and sleep; and so down upon his Marry Bo●●●; up he takes his Pot hand▪ smooth, the Devil a bone finds he in the drink. After him they must all follow; Woe be to him that hangs an arse. This shower overblown, out steps a third, and he advanceth a quart of plump Lyaeus to the health of all Quagmirists, (which is the general name of the most eminent persons of the famous City of Carousa-kanikin: briefly, after him they go; and thus all of them in order brings in his foundation of a new Round. Now every one having his share, they must each of them, as they sat (pox on't, that madded me) go play the Poet: of one of these might Horace have truly said, Aut insanit homo, aut versus facit. The man is mad, or else he maketh Verses. And these verily they make out of the inspiration of Bacchus only (the Muses may go hang themselves for any room they can find there:) and herein according to the old manner that Plutarch speaketh of, every one sings his Song, and instead of his Harp, he had a Knife and a Quartpot; and truly they played fine music on it. One in his Song commended his Mistress; another, the goodness of the Wine; a third, related all the passages betwixt him and his wife at home; and so it made me remember that old saying of Laberius:  

Ebriulati mentem hilarem accipiunt. bind,  
When Wine's effects the brain doth  
Then Mirth doth caper in the mind.   
Another rimed all in satire against one that was not at this drinking-bout: and every one (me thoughts) kept Anacreon's Measures: He was a drunken Poet, and died of a Surfeit; if you will not believe me, it is but putting yourselves to the trouble to read Francis Meres, in his Wit's Commonwealth (which perhaps you will not esteem worth your time.) While these Songs were a singing, it was a world of rare sport to see their several behaviours; every man had his humour to himself: you should see one, for very pure love, weeping in his fellows bosom; and another sit a kissing of his Companion: one setting his mouth on the rack with laughter (wise were the men that could tell at what) another down upon all four in devotion to Bacchus; a third swaggering and swearing, because the Bowl of Wine was brought him no sooner; a fourth arguing of Religion, and matters of State: And here in a corner, you should have a fifth sit nodding and slavering, it would do a blindman's heart good to see him, with several other strange undecent postures, no less unfit than too tedious to insert. At the beginning of their Feast, because they generally have (as hath been said) very slippery memories, quickly forgetting what they do, they have a public Notary, whom they call Clerk of the Windpipe, who is appointed to Register every particular Carouse, and so files them up for common Records, what each man hath drunk, and unto whom; which done, after the Feast he reads them to the Company, (if any be awake to hear them.) 

Pottle-gulp  
Swol●e-gut  
Dry-mouth  
Draw-large  
Sup it off   unto  

Swoln-gut 4 Gallons  
Fuddle-deep 4 Gallons ⅓  
Lurch-cup 3 Pottles  
Broken-belt 7 Pottles  
Full-brink half an hogshead   
Concordat cum Originali  
P. Skinker.  
If any have failed in the taking of his Liquor, he must forthwith make present satisfaction (if he be able) otherwise, at the next meeting he is sure to pay ●ound interest for his forbearance. Well, the Roll being read, and the Hourglass run all out: Marry, quoth I to my Comrade, but how will they get home now? that marvel I at most. Oh, well enough, Sir, (quoth he) trouble not your head for that. Do you not see those Ropes there in the Court, that have fastened unto them Iron Rings? these the servants (who may not touch a drop of Wine till the Feast be done) being so sober as to know every one his own Rope, do take hold of, and the other end being fastened to their Master's Door, so draw themselves and their Masters both in one Cart, directly home. It is like enough that you say true (said I) but what if one should come in the mean time, and tie the Ropes further end to a wrong door? Why do you think (answered he smiling) that any one wakes this night? yet I have known it done, and the Cart go to a wrong House, and the man to another man's wife; who perhaps being as drunk as he, never discovers the matter until next day at noon; and then, that which they ignorantly committed, they do wittingly laugh at: for it is a Principle here, That a drunken man can never offend; for it is the offence of Bacchus, that he is but an Instrument unto, and no otherwise. But I remembered that place in Lucian's Dialogues, That Bacchus never bids them drink more than what may suffice to exhilerate Nature. In the Town-Hall, properly called Gulpers Court, there hangeth up that ancient Emblem of the Order of their Knights of the Golden Tun: he that can drink this Vessel thrice off; and go his ways without any indenting; for this good service he is presently knighted, and hath besides a chain of an extraordinary value bestowed on him. The Knights have a large Charter, and are allowed many goodly privileges; they have absolute command in all Taverns, and at all Tables. They may furnish so many Soldiers in Pewter-coats out of any man's Cellar in the Town, Graiis: and besides, they have full authority as concerning Brimmers, and to put what limits they please unto every man's Pot-tipling. These hardy men have great conflicts at every solemn meeting (as the Sword-players had in Rome, or as the Helots' had with the Lacedæmonians) their Weapons are full-charged Cups; and he that carrieth most of them away clear, is Conqueror, and leads the rest about the Town (if they can go) in triumph. And this is their trial of the Victory: If he can put his Finger just into the flame of the Candle, without playing hit-I-misse-I, let him spew whole Fishponds, he is a sober man.  
Now Reader, I will present thee with the Laws of the City of Carousa-kanikin in the Province of Quaffonia.  
It is Decreed, and absolutely Enacted,  
1. That all Promises, Oaths, Bills, Bonds, Indentures, or any other conveyances whatsoever, made, or caused to be made in the afternoon, be utterly void and of none effect.  
2. That no man of what state or degree soever he be, have his Cups private to himself, upon pain of drinking two days after in a Fireshovel.  
3. That if any one cast away any snuff, but mere froth, he be forthwith enjoined to fall down upon his knees, and so to lick up the otherwise perishing Liquor.  
4. That he that sweareth by Bacchus, and keepeth not his word, be utterly disabled from making any Will, and bearing any Witness.  
5. That he that striketh with a Pot, and either spilleth the Wine, or breaketh the Pot, be enjoined to touch neither Pot nor Wine for four and twenty hours after.  
6. That he that mixeth Water with his Wine, be sent to sup with the Dogs.  
7. That every one pledge his Challenger in the same Cup, and in the same fashioned draught, upon pain of being debarred from drink for two days after.  
8. That all that stay three days in the City, do offer sacrifice to Bacchus.  
9 That ones calling of a Citizen Thief or Whoremaster, bear no action; but to call him Temperate or Abstainer, shall be liable to the Law.  
10. That the Pots in Banquets be either always full, or empty: the Waiter that presents a Pot half filled, and the person that takes it, shall be both guilty of breach of Good-fellowship.  
11. That he that being sober, shall strike him that is drunk, be immediately disabled for giving testimony in any cause whatsoever: but the drunken man striking the sober, shall be acquitted.  
12. That he that being sober shall rob him that is drunk, be forbidden Wine for ever; and if he kill him, he shall be put to death by thirst.  
13. That he whom either Nature or Sickness hath made abstinent, be banished the Land.  
14. That he that goeth from any public meeting, without staggering, be accounted a Malefactor in the highest degree.  
Subscribed STILYARD.  

Over the Portal of the Hall were these Verses written.  
The House of youthful Mirth, and lusty Cheer;  
Peace, Wine, Sport, Rest, have all their Mansions here.   
That same night I was a Spectator of their more than rambling Revels: one of the Carousa-kanikin Quagmirists, whose House was of some height, being loose in the breech, intending to go thither, where neither Pope nor Emperor can send an Ambassador; and being truly cap-shackled, mistook the Window for the Door; and so stepping rashly on, he came down with the wrong end forward, and in plain English, broke his neck. His Funeral was very richly set forth, I can tell you: Every Quassonian was died all over with black, and for that day wore a Cypress Wreath instead of is Vines. The body was not laid in Coffin, nor upon a Hearse, as we use; ●ut being put into a Cask half full of Wine, was so born to the Grave; and when he came there, it was to lie rather in a Cistern of Sack, then in a Grave of Earth, and to be drowned rather then buried. For whereas the Romans used to cast balls of Frankincense upon the pit wherein the body was burnt, they did not so here, but each one poured his Can of Wine into the Grave; and biding thrice, Adieu most sweet and corpulent Countryman, put finger in their eye, wept some Quarts of Rheum, and to it they went hand in hand to the Tavern. This Quagmirist it seems was well esteemed of them; for he had a Statue afterwards erected to him in Bacchus his Court, and under it these two Lines in fair Roman Letters.  

Although he took his window for his door,  
His valiant death shall make his honour more.   
And upon his Grave they set up a pretty Obelisk, a brazen Flagon on the top of it, with these Rhymes carved about it; questionless such Epitaphs in Latin are to be seen at Sienna, two in San-Domingo, and one in S. Spirito:  

By Wine I lived, and Wine me killed men say:  
For being sober, I could ne'er see day.  
Gone is my flesh, yet thirst lies in my bone:  
Give me one Rouse my friend, and get thee gone.   
Farewell fellow toss-pots.  
Now had I stayed two days in this Town, without ever being demanded what I was; but then my Com●nion came and told me, My friend, ●ou have had a fair reign; if you ●ay one day longer, you must perforce do sacrifice to God Bacchus: I may not conceal you further, unless you would have me forsworn. No, said I, what custom is that I pray you, that you are so strictly bound unto? tell me the course, and I'll either perform it, and stay longer; or else I'll get me presently gone, and rid us both from future danger. Well, Sir, said he, saw you not the Statue of Bacchus yesterday in Gulper● Court, and the large Goblet ●e holdeth, wherein they poured the Wine that runs out at two passages? I answered, Yes that I did. Well then, said he, you must set your mouth to one of them (choose you which) and suck until you be able to stand no longer, but fall flat to the ground, and so must you lie under the Spout, wallowing in the Wine, until all be 〈◊〉 out upon you. How like you this Faith, said I, it is not altogether 〈◊〉 delightful; but I beseech you te●● me, was there ever any strange that offered this sacrifice? All, all quoth he, and not a man's tail that escaped it, but to it he must, maugre his Beard: some will come spiritfully to it, but others are fain to be haled to their teat, like a Bear to the Stake.  
Well, Sir, said I, I'll be jogging hence: only I would entreat you to inform me which Country in this Tract is next in Dignity to this, and the worthiest of travel. So faith he told me, Hot-watrea, or Licor-ardente, which is under the government of Sir Limbeck Stillitory, a Knight of the Noble Family of Take off your dose: and so led me forwards, and showed me the way, as plain as Dunstable Road; and then courteously gave me the Bascio los manos. I thanked him heartily for his Valienado, and so we parted.  
Now I all alone took my way towards the North, leaving the River of Froth behind me, until I came at Spewersbury, the silthiest Town that ever I saw since my Mother cradled my head: only this I must tell the Reader by the way, (for I promise ye it put me often to a shrewd pother) I was as much troubled with Pots and Flaggous in my journey, as a Clerk of the Market, or as the Traveller that hath far to go, is with the Spanish and Italian crosses: I could never trace it three Miles to an end, but I should find a bouncing Tankard placed under an Arch, and drink I must needs, no gainsaying of the Lands Hospitality: at last I overtock a Traveller in an old tattered Ca●●ock of Haircloth, baresoored, and bareheaded. I demanded w●●● he went so fast? Sir, quoth he, I have undertaken a long Pilgrimage unto Saint Borachio of Bottlesbrook.  
I wondered at this new name, and this as yet undiscovered Pilgrimage; so I questioned him at large of the Country, of this Towns situation and discipline; and finally, of the Virtues of this Borachio. Bottles-brook, Sir, said he, is seated in the confines of Hot-watrea, and Lasciviania, and is of great fame throughout both the soils. Besides divers other ancient Monuments in the Town, there is a Temple of Bacchus' Fiery face, they call it the Cappel-Ardent, where a rich and rare Statue of his is erected, not like a grown man, but very youthful, just as his Father took him from the burning Womb of Semele; so it is, having been long ago so cut out of the hard Rock of Rubies. The top of this Temple is all set with Carbuncles, and golden Sparks, most rich to behold; and from the embowed Arch there drops, they say, a kind of hot fuming Liquor (as Cataracts do in some places of Mardelzur, as Hackluit affirms in his Voyages, and is received into a Borachio that stands placed accordingly; whose Virtue is such, that if one drink a large draught of it with good devotion, he shall never in his life after be either drunk before noon, or athirst before midnight: both which helps may do me much good; for I am a man so employed in my Country, that I can never lie in my bed until midnight for thirst; nor never rise before noon, but I am drunk and fast a sleep again. Therefore have I gone these three days without drinking at all (save that I drunk one dish of water this morning) because I would merit the more of this holy St. Borachio, when I come there; nor dares any man importune me to drink, or any in my company, as long as I wear this Weed. Bir-Lady, Sirs, you must think I was not a little glad of so great a privilege; and therefore ● entreated both his company and patronage. Well, we went chatting on until I observed the Soil altered; wherefore I asked him, where we now were. This Country, quoth he, ever since we came over the Lake Metheglin, is called the Country of Usquebah, as there is an ordinary pass to Ireland through Wales, being the first Shire of Hot-watrea: It is not so well husbanded, but it is far more fertile than our Country of Wine-cester, exceeding both in fatness of Soil, and pureness of Air. So when ● heard the name, I understood presently both the Original and the Definition thereof; Usquebathia, because they drink Usque ad, even to the bottom: There are other derivations thereof, but those I leave to the six Wits to censure of. The● quoth I, being very weary, Whither go we now? is not this Bottles-brook? O Lord, no, he replied; but cheer up yourself, we have but, in comparison, a foot of ground till we are there; we are only to trample a little over the pleasant shores of Hot-watrea, and we shall presently arrive at Bottlesbrook. But whence, said I, is that smoke? he replied, It comes out of Mount Denis, wherein the souls of such as either lived too soberly, or killed themselves desperately, are purified by fire; and there they burn, until some of their living friends go in Pilgrimage to Chappel-Ardent for a Bottle of Saint Borachio's water; and pouring that upon their Tomb, they are freed. I smiled at this, and thought now surely I have found the Original of Purgatory: let Abbot Odilo, and his Monks of Coruna tell me never so many tales of Mount Aetna, and so many good-morrows, 'tis here thought I, or 'tis nowhere.  
Well, at length we arrived at Bottlesbrook: in truth I found it to be a pretty sweet Town; marry it was both paved with Bottles, and roofed with Lethern-bougets. I do not remember that I saw any Artificer in all the Town, but Leathern Jack-makers. The reason is, the men of this Country use no pure Wine, as the other Drink-alls do, but certain distilled waters mixed with the strongest Grapes they can get; which are so violently hot, that the brittle Glass cannot hold them, and therefore they are forced to fortify their Bottles with Leathern Jerkins, riveted together with Pitch and resin.  
We traveled on through many craggy and fenny passages, till at last we arrived at a Port called Puerto d' Aqua forte, the Inhabitants of which place drink Brandfireal, by most of them for brevity called Brandewine, squezed from the sourest Grapes, which the French (rather than they would throw away) thought it more convenient to make a more profitable trastique of. Some say the Dutchlanders, to disperse the unwholesome Fogs which arise from their Seas, strengthen and fortify their stomaches with this tipple, which I also found here, (how they came by it in these parts I know not) but this I am sure, that it is with them A-la-modo, lustily quaffed off. The Yeomen of these Brandy-bottles here are fiery faced, choleric of condition, of a staggering manner of pace in their going: but that which is most terrible of all, they drink, and they breathe nothing but elemental sire, mere flames. As much cold, or scargut, as one of us will drink, so much fire will one of them take: that a man would verily imagine when he saw them, that they were so many fire-darts, or as one might call them, St. George● Flap-dragons. I was in danger of water before, but now I feared nothing but that I should be fired or stifled with the smoke of an Herb called Tobacco, which they took in at their mouths, and gave out at their Noses, resembling the ●ume● of so many Brewer's Chimneys. It is reported, that one Rollo Waralador, an ungodly fellow, one of this Country, taught this wicked vapour by an Indian Devil, first brought it hither into these parts; so what for fire and smoke, I thought it necessary to make my escape. I left my companion at his Orison to Bacchus (I loved him well, but I loved myself better:) the next morning I hastened out of this Vulcan's Shop; for so it was a very Cyclops▪ Forge, rather than a City of Bacchus.  
I traveled on so far, that at last I approached the Verges of Lasciviana (some give it another name, which I am very willing to forget.) Being extreme weary, I set me down on a delicate ●●rot of Nature, (somewhat out of the way) on which finding myself drowsy, and inclining to sleep, I might the more freely take a nap. I had not been long at my quietus, but that I was awakened with a most sweet voice; I made no inquiry to know who the Singer was, lest my appearance (as I thought) might bereave me of such a melodious happiness; my sense of hearing keeping a right intelligence with the pleasant measures of the Verse: to my best remembrance, these were the words of the Song:  

Under our climate Nature shows  
Her beauties naked to each eye,  
Feeding the sight inchantingly,  
With rich treasures which there grows.   

Upon the Flowers we glittering spy  
Tears, or (rather) Pearls to lie,  
Fallen from the eyes of fair Aurora,  
With which she, to whom Zephyrus makes vows and prayers,  
Doth beautify each morn, her neck and curled Hairs:  
There 'mongst the smiles, and the caresses,  
The little frolic Loves inspired,  
Dance on th' enamelled grass till tired,  
With their fair Mistresses the Graces;  
And still when they desired to kiss,  
They came to rest themselves (O b●●ss)  
Betwixt fair Venus' snowy breasts,  
Where they created thousand new and fresh delights;  
Whose charms no language can express,  
For every moment life or death was in their mights.  
Sometimes we see a satire come,  
Who sitting in an Oaks fresh shade,  
Upon his Pipe complaints he made  
Of his delightful Martyrdom:  
Then go we to a Wood apart,  
Where but on● beam the Sun can dart,  
To find out solitariness;  
And meeting peaceful rest, which there with it was courting,  
We banished all unquietness,  
Lest we should have disturbed his sullen sporting.  
There under a straight Myrtle-Tree,  
Which Fairies holy do esteem,  
Where graved by Venus' hand hath been  
Her Trophies, and each Mystery;  
Our solemn Vows betwixt us past,  
That those our flames should ever last,  
Nor should their ardour weaker grow:  
Then offering up those Oaths of Victory we'll sing,  
We wrote them on the bark below,  
They're printed deeper in our hearts, and there they spring.  
Sure there's no pen that's so lascivious,  
Were it plucked from a Sparrows Wing,  
Can ere describe so sweet a thing  
As this same Love that dwells in us.  
Never tho with clothes unlaced  
Adonis Venus' naked embraced,  
Were such various sports invented;  
Nor ere did Love and's Psyche fair withhim,  
Taste such delights, were so contemned  
As when our glutted Veins with flowing pleasures swim.   
The Song was no sooner ended, but those which I took then for Sirens, rushed in upon me from an Ambush; whom I afterwards found to be neither better nor worse, than some of the armed She-landeresses (you heard of them of the She-lands before) who took and carried me prisoner (the more unfortunate I) a long and toilsome journey, even to their chief City, called Gossipingoa. Thither I was brought, and detained a great while longer than stood with my good liking. I will here discover the whole progress of their dealing with me, and then I will go on with the description and conditions of these new undiscovered people.  
As soon as these cruel Conqueresses had taken me upon the Borders of Lasciviania, they brought me away (as I have said) to this their chief City, where they towled a Bell, and presently all the Petticoat-Inhabitants came flocking thither in a trice, and began to pry more narrowly upon me, who stood bound sure enough (God wot) for offering them any false measure. At length one of the rout, (their Captainness it seems she was) gave a sign to the rest to be silent (as she had need) and then she thus bespoke the Company; What, or of whence this fellow is, I do not know, only we took him in the confines of yonder damned Country of our Enemies, Lasciviania; and seeing they have offered us so much injury, I hold it very fit now (if it be not too late) to take revenge of them, and first with this prisoner. Now she having made an end of her learned Speech, I got leave (with much ado for noise) to speak, and so declared my Nation, and the cause of my wand'ring, as well as I could; and told then Womanships, that for my part I had not any acquaintance at all in Lasciviania; I was one that wished their Madamhoods, and all their Sex, all the good I could; and that it would derogate much from their Natures, Clemency and from their Honour and just Government, to condemn an innocent Pilgrim, and one that had not in the least offended, without hearing of his cause. Well, these good words, I can tell you, wrought so handsomely with them, that the poor young Wenches began many of them to weep: yet the old Countesses were not so much overswayed with my Oration, but that I must to prison, to a great house in the Marketplace, called Cold and comfortless, until my Country and cause of my travel were truly manifested to the She-council. Well, to Ward I went; and but for that my Country's name is the true Paradise of Women, (as it is the Proverb in France, that England is the Paradise of Women, the Purgatory of Servants, and the Hell of Horses) which pleaded for me; I had never come out alive: for all the Lascivianians that they take, they either fairly hang them up, or else put them to most slavish offices in this prison; which they do to plague them for their injuries offered: for the people of that Province, as they are most of them wanton, run madding after Whores, out of their beastiality neglecting their Wives, or else through their mad-brained jealousy keep them in continual slavery▪ Oh how many Noble Captains did I see in this prison wearing out their lives in Spinning, Carding of Wool, and Knitting! Faith at length, for my Country's sake, I had my liberty restored, but not without an Oath; for I was brought to Juno's Altar, and there laying my hand on the same, I was forced to take a solemn Oath to observe all these conditions following:  

1. That I should never go about to injure their noble Sex by word or deed.  
2. That I should never interrupt ● Woman in her tale.  
3. That wheresoever I lived, I should leave the rule of the House to my Wife.  
4. That I should never more come to Lasciviania; for it is the common phrase here, Many go thither good men, but come away from thence evil Husbands.  
5. That I should never aim at more than the love of one.  
6. That I should never betray my wife's secrets.  
7. That I should never deny my wife any woman's ornaments.  
8. That I should continually give women the— and the praise for Beauty, Wit and Eloquence, and defend them against all men.   
This Oath I willingly took, but believe me, Sirs, not without a little equivocation; though rather than fail I would have taken one ten times stricter. So therefore you see my Tongue is tied by my Oath, not to tell the sine Conundrums that I saw among these mad Wenches. Somewhat I may say, but no harm; no more I would, in truth, if I had not at all been sworn.  
I shall now according to my promise make it my next enterprise to go on with the description, conditions, customs, and forms of Government of this Newfound Land. As touching the situation of the Shalands, or Womandecoia, it lieth in that part of the Southern continent, over against Morleture and Beach, called Psittaccorum Regio, the Land of Parrots; it bordereth on the Dominions of Prince De l' Amour: on the North side it boundeth on Lasciviania (a Nation, as we have said, that is a great enemy to it;) on the South, upon Thrivingois; on the East, upon the two Foppianians, the Fickle and Fat. The Soil whereof is very fruitful: it is divided into many Provinces, both large and wealthy: The principal of them are these: Fattingen, Scoldonna, Blubberick, Giglot-angir, the high and low; Cockatrixia, Shrewes-bourg, and Blackswanstack, otherwise called Modestiana. Not far from these is an Island, called Hermaphrodite, or Double-Sex: many of these Provinces I did pass through, when I was carried Prisoner to Gossipingoa. But to speak truth, Fattingen, or the Land of Parrots, is the best Country of them all, and hath many fair Cities in it, as Pratingople, Talesborne, and Lips-wagg; through the last of which there runneth a great River, called Silver Streams, which sometimes will overflow the banks, and drown all the lower parts of the Country, which they call Chinnedale; but the Countrymen have now devised very strong Rampires to keep it from breaking out any more, but when they list to let it out a little now and then for clearing of the Channel.  
As touching their forms of Government, they are allowed of for a Free State by Prince de l' Amour (questionless the kindest Prince of the world to Women, and the most unlikeliest to debar them of their liberties) their Government being ruder and differing from his, the women in his Country being more courtly and civilised; and if otherwise, upon any dislike sent hither, where they need not to question their welcome entertainment: For here, for aught I could perceive, each one seeks Superiority, and would be so popular, as to avoid obedience. They have no Laws at all, doing every thing by the numbers of Voices. But the giving up of their Voices, struck me into a wonder, being unacquainted therewith, for they set up a cry all together; none gives ●ar, but each one yells, as if she were hornmad; and is not this able to abash a mild man's spirit? They hold a continual Parliament (if the word signifies so, as it is rendered in their consultations) only to prattle about their affairs of State; so that Erasmus, as he had in part already done in his Colloquies, would be able to give a stronger testimony of women's turning Suitors. Now this continuance is necessary, because of their Laws uncertainty: for the decrees of this day, are altered or disannulled to morrow; but the same day they cannot, lest their Law▪ givers should seem to be inconstant in their Edicts. Every one's voice is alike in worth, the City of Gossipingoa through, but not every one's dignity, for they have a set number of chosen women, they call them Gravesses; and these have the Authority of most Honour in each particular City: but they are not born to this dignity, but are elected, either for their Beauty, or their Eloquence; for by these two are all Elections ordered. They had once a custom to elect these Gravesses by voices, but afterwards every one giving her voice but only for herself, it bred a confusion, and so made them to abolish that manner of Election: and then they drew a Decree, that those only should have the sway in this same envious contention, who would profess themselves neither to be Fair nor Eloquent: But this brought all to such a pass, that in the whole Multitude of them, you should not find one that would be Electresses; the elder sort holding that they had the Eloquence, and the younger standing as firm in it that they had the Beauty. At length they all agreed to pass over these places of Electresses unto twelve of the most aged Matrons of old Mumpington (a ruinous Village hard by) and so they did, giving them the most glorious Titles of Electresses Gravesial: The chief of whom, when I was there were these, the Duchess of Cackletout, the Countess of Banne alleyla, the Arch-presbyteress of Slaverspreg, the Palatine of Twittle-comtattle, and eight more subordinate Electresses. To set them the more agog to their charges, they are strangely adored, and wonderfully cursified. And besides this honourable stile, The reverend of the age, wealth and abundance comes in flowing continually upon them; for the ambitious young Wenches will so bribe and ply them with gifts, to have their voices at the day of Election, that I hold that there is not a Court more corrupt in giving voices, or more wealthy in getting of riches. Instead of Sceptres and Swords, the Gravesses have Fans and Glasses born before them, huge Crystal Glasses; and still as they pass through the streets, they prank up their attires by the said Glasses, (and lose no time) but set all their gewgaws in order as they go along.  
There are a few She▪ laundresses born in this Nation, but most of them being, as we said, of the unciviler sort of Females, are excluded out of Prince de l' Amours Dominions; such as will either wear their Husband's Breeches, or else such as their Husband's jealousy will banish, those are sent in flocks hither. Now all such as are their Husband's Masters, and are therefore banished upon the unjust claim unto Sovereignty; these are assigned to inhabit the Frontiers of the Sheelands, especially in the Countries of Shrewesbourg; and there they are all put in Garrison. But as for those that are voluntary Exiles, they are generally of meek and unmanly spirits; and these are seated in the heart of the Land, to become Votaresses to Peace and Beauty; and yet you need never dream that this Weal-public (however weakly founded) should go to ruin for want of particular Members: and I will tell you why, there are so many Volunteers, (especially free-women) come to this Camp, that the fear is rather that there will want room for the new Inhabitants, than otherwise. Truly, I am in great perplexity lest my Countrywomen (though they are used so well here) should have any understanding of this State: for if they have, we may go snick-up for any Female that will abide amongst us; but all will away, we should not have one big belly left to lay the Foundation for a future age by.  
At Gossipingoa, I got (besides my Freedom) the City's Letters for my Passport; and so from thence I took my way towards G●glot-angyr, a Country lying upon the South part of Womandecoia, towards Lasciviania; the Land of itself in this part is the world's Paradise. I was not many Leagues from Lovesden, the first Town of this Country, when I entered into an Air as delicately seated, as if the Perfumers in England had lately played their prizes therefore eternal Sovereignty; the whole Country round about it is so stuffed with Apothecaries and Pomandrificoes: The rest I omit, as I look upon these as the chief Magnificoes of this State. The women of this Country are generally tall, gracefully adorned; and (were it not that they practise the Art of Sneek-oyling over much) we might imagine them handsome. They wear nothing on their faces, nor on their breasts: as for the rest of their habit, it is fair in show, light in weight, and easy to mount. I traveled hard, till at last I arrived at a Province named Shamesgrave, (for so they call the Shire-town of Giglot-angyr, where it is reported that the Sepulchre of Modesty lies. Here their houses are made all of Muscovia Glasses, as transparent as Air: where it is labour lost to seek any of them at home, unless you make your inquest immediately upon their dressing time, or somewhat before: But lay your plot to seek them in a Playhouse, or in a Tavern, or so, and it stands upon a good Foundation: for there you are sure to find your Female, either a laughing, a singing, or some extraordinary employment. You never saw Spider contrive a more artificial Net for a Fly, than these women do for the Lascivianians (however their Country's deadly Enemies) yet some of these men serve their desires as Volunteers for provant and preferment. Others they lay their Ambushes for, and fetch them in first by loose Allurements, then by prayers, and then by pence; and if none of these means will work, they compel them to serve their wanton desires by force. And when they have done so, just as your Stallion Horses are kept for breed, so are they stowed into custody, dieted with Eryngoes, Potatoes, Culliss, and other devised dishes, until Venus sends her second summons. This I no sooner heard, but I hated; and no sooner hated it, but I avoided it, as neither daring to presume of my learning, nor policy; but as I knew myself neither to be a proper young man, nor for a fine Gentleman (none dispraised) I durst not hazard my honesty upon so slight Foundations. But you may perceive, it is sometimes convenient to want a good faee: and those things which at other times a man doth blame Nature for most, may at one time or other stand him in more stead than her greatest benefits in ordinary estimations.  
Not far from Guaon, the last Isle, between Cape Hermose and Cape Beach, lies Double-sex-Isles, much like to our Isle of Man on the coast of Lancashire. In this Isle Nature hath so orderly disposed all things to one form, that I could find no one plant in all the Soil, but was of a double kind of Fruits, or one Fruit of two several kinds and names: there was your Bear-apple, your Cherry-damson, your Date-almond, your Chestnut-filberd; and a thousand of these conclusions of Nature: yea, insomuch, that the very Inhabitants of the whole Island wore all their Habits as Indices of a Co-aptation of both Sexes in one. Those that bore the most man about them, wore Spurs, Boots, and Breeches, from the heels to the hanshes; and Bodies, Rebates, and Periwigs, from the Crupper to the Crown: And for those that were the better sharers in Womankind, they wore Doublets to the Rump, and Skirts to the remainder: nay, their very names bare notes of their participation of either side; there was Mary Philip, Peter Alice, Jane Andrew, and George Audery, and many more that I cannot remember. And all their own Nation that have not shown themselves perfect, both in begetting, and bringing forth, are made slaves to the rest: and when they take any that are but simply of one Sex, you would admire what a coil they keep about them, as Prodigies and Monsters, as we do those that are born double-headed, or other such deformed births. Their only glory which they esteem most, is, that in their conceit they have the perfection of Nature alone amongst them from all the world besides: For seeing Nature, say they, hath bestowed two hands, two feet, two eyes, two ears, and two nostrils to every man's perfect body; why should not the most perfect Creature of all be perfect in two Sexes also? And again, Cybele, and the Pathiques of old Rome, were fain to use forced means for that which we have given us by Nature. Thus are they wont to perfect their deformities: and truly you may observe in them all, besides their shapes, both man's wit, and a woman's craft. They have no Cattle in this Country, but Mules; nor any wild Beasts, but Hares: as the Mule is held both to conceive and beget; and some hold the like of the Hare. They live most upon Shellfish, for that is their best and most ordinary sustenance.  
In my return from the confines of Giglot-angyr, being now upon the Western Angle of the same, I did light (just as my staff fell) into the Country of Shrewesbourg, the only Garrison of this Feminine Government, and the only defence it hath against Foreign Incursions. Now this Country fearing no Foe but the Lascivianians (for the Thrivingois are a quiet Nation, and never will offer to molest them; and the Foppianians cannot, though they would) therefore they place their Forces or Towns of Garrison, only upon the Eastern Frontiers of Lasciviania.  
Here was I sweetly gulled; for espying persons in the Habits of men, Marry, thought I, this is good luck, I am now gotten out of Womandecoia: but when all came to all, I was nearly cozened with a borrowed shape: for in this Country women wear Breeches, and long Beards; and the men go with their Chins all naked, in Kirtles and Petticoats; spinning and carding Wool, whilst their Wives discharge the main affairs of the State.  
In this tract is an ancient and ample Town, generally called Pepuzian and I do not think but Pepuzian Heretics were of this Original, who held that women should be both Princes and Priests, as well as men▪ The Barbarians in Aristotle's time never used the women half so imperiously as the men are used here: I had great compassion of their slavery; yes verily had I; the poor Snakes dare not so much as wipe their mouths unless their Wives bid them; nor so much as (saving your presence) go piss, nor pass a word with their best Friend, but they must first come to their Wives with a writ of Quaeso Magistra, good Mistress give me leave to go, etc. I observed this custom to be more strictly looked unto upon one certain day whilst I was there, then at other times by far; and the reason of it was, because that some of the better-spirited Husbands disdaining to be chained in this unmanly subjection by their Wives, had laid a plot amongst themselves to rise up on an appointed night (as it might be this night) in open arms upon the sudden against their Wives, and so to shake off their infamous and disgraceful servitude. This plot had taken a very good effect, had not misfortune crossed it: for one cowardly fellow of their confederacy, being threatened by his Wife to be sound cudgeled for some other private escape that he had made; to procure himself a pardon, went and revealed all the whole platform of the conspiracy, just the evening before the night appointed.  
The women sit at meat, and the men attend; the women sleep when they please, and the men watch; so do they scold and fight, whilst the men are fain to bear off, with ears, head and shoulders.  
Happy may they call that day wherein one Mrs. Disquiet or other doth not Lamb-baste them before night. I imagined myself amongst the Turkish slaves; but that these distinctions of Habits assured me this was a more abject kind of Captivity.  
Ah what a base sight was it to see a Distaff and a Spindle in a man's hand, and a Sword and a Buckler in a woman's! Yet I concealed my dislike, as well as I could, desiring for to see without suffering.  
If any woman use her Husband somewhat gentlier than ordinary, (as some of them were more tender hearted then others) she is presently informed against, and cited to appear before the Parliament of Shrewesbourg, and there indicted of High-treason against the State. Her next Neighbours give evidence against her with such noise and fury, that it is strange to see how far they are overborne with impatience. If she be convicted by the smallest evidence that is, she is condemned to this punishment: She must first change attire with her Husband, and then shave off her Hair; and so being led through the Marketplace, must stand for one whole day upon the Pillory, as an object unto all the fleering scoffers and beholders: nor shall the man escape scot-free, for being so audacious, as to take the favours offered by his Wife without a modest refusal: but when that the woman comes home (she shall be all covered with dirt, grains, rotten eggs, etc.) she must not put off her Vesture until she bring a cudgel into the Court, all died with the fresh blood of her Husband's broken-pate. He that out-liveth his Wife, must either marry his Maid, and be sworn to her service, as he was to his former Wives; or else he must become a slave to the next Neighbour's Wife: For no man may be the Ruler of his own House. In this Country, when the Wife goeth forth, either to Wars, Consultations, or for pleasure, she leaveth her Keys, and therewithal her Government, unto her Maid, or her Daughter: either of which if the Husband once mutter against, his shoulders are sure to pay for it sound at his Wives return, unless he can beg or buy the silence of the Deputie-Governess. They never lie with their Husbands, but when provender pricks them: (for they hold that it would procure too much familiarity) notwithstanding, if the Husband arise not out of his Cabin in the entry▪, before the Wife be warm in her bed; and coming up stairs barefooted●, do not knock thrice gently at her Chamber-door, and offer her his service with a soft low voice, he is sure to have a great deal of pains and labour bestowed on his ribsthe next day.  
The Women of this Country observe a fashion contrary to ours; for they clip their hair, and let their nails grow long: 'tis supposed that they do thus, that there may be less hold taken by the assailants, and more by themselves. There are also certain amongst them that profess the Trade of the Noble Science, and keep Free-Schools, wherein the rest are taught all the Wards of Offensive and Defensive, both of Heels, Nails and Teeth; as also the most exact and judicial method of clawing off the skin of men's Faces, putting out eyes, biting of arms, wring of ears, and tearing of beards: these Lectures they are instructed in, both by precept and practice.  
The men are all their drudges, to wash, wipe, scour, and 〈◊〉 all that is to do in the House, is expected from them; yea, even to dr●●● all the meat: so that I imagine it i●▪ ●● a man's esteem of the undecency of such businesses, (not any unableness of his to discharge them) that maketh him eschew such employments. Believe me, there are no foul spots to be found in any place in the Houses here, saving on the men's Clothes; but these are so filthy, that they are certain remarks how they neglect themselves, as much as the Women neglect them; notwithstanding, go but abroad into the Fields (which are the women's charge to see to) there you shall find the hedges broken down all at six and seven, unlooked to, in a most careless, ruinous and destructive manner. The very Walls of their Cities are half down; and that which standeth is so disgracefully framed, that the very stones seem to beg to be at man's disposure, and to abhor the ordering of womankind.  
Thus I traveled, as I have already given the Reader an account, through most parts of the Sheelands; but perhaps he may not for all this rest satisfied, till he ask me a question, which I am confident will be, Why I passed not through that part of the Modestianians, where the Women of Black-swanmark had their Habitations? Truly, I hold myself unfortunate in that one thing alone, that I could not be so happy as to describe that State as well as the others, seeing that my mind presageth unto me, that it excelleth all the rest of the forenamed. For the present, I can say no more than thus: that there is such a people, my Friend, I'll assure thee; but the Region wherein they inhabit I could never come to discover, only the name I brought from the ancient Chronicles of other States; and that, as I said, should be Black-swan-●ark, because a chaste and rare woman is, as Juvenal writes, Rara avis in terris, nigroque simillima cygno. Indeed there are some of them that live as Anchoresses', and Hermetesses, in the craggy Deserts, in some other part● of the Sheelands; but these inhabitants are generally unknown, and almost inaccessible; ●●●●●, notwithstanding, are the Monasteries, whither (as it is reported) the ●a●●est, chastest, and most zealous of the Sheelandresses do ●●l●●●●ily retire themselves: he that will take the pains to search those vast Deserts, may questionless meet with some of those holy Votaresses: I did light in my solitary wander by chance of one or two of them, whose variety of Virtues, Beauties, Behaviours, have left me in an ecstasy to this very hour: but our young Travellers are too idle to venture upon so hardan inquest; that is the cause why they have no other colour to cover their slothfulness by, but by unjustly alleging the smallness of the number of modest and honest women. Indeed, considering how dangerously rude those places were that I passed, I know that my Reader cannot but admire and inquire how I got safely through them: Faith I'll tell thee truly how, mine age, my habit, and good advice, were my Patrons and Conductors in all this perilous adventure. My habit was manlike, and my face womanlike (for I had yet no beard:) and besides, in some places I found some of my own Comerades undertakers in the same Voyage with me; and these, like true Friends at need, gave such discreet directions, that (as Aeneas did by Sibylla) I following their advices, got me at length, as I have informed you, through the She-lands; first passing through all the dirty Fens of Blubberick, where the women will fall a weeping upon any wager when they list; & so through the Mushrumpalian Mountains, till finally I came into the confines of Prince de l' Amour. In this following relation I shall pursue the same course as I have all this while done, only to take notice of the most remarkable passages and places. In the Eastern parts of these Dominions are two famous Castles of great importance, Idleness, the School of Prince de l' Amour; or Libertinism, or Licentiousness, the Paradise of Venus, where the men are ordinarily obliged to take the Governors to task, to gain free and favourable access to the Court; and towards the 〈◊〉 parts there are two houses, called Beggars▪ bush, and the Lovers-●olly, like our Bedlam and Bridewell; to the which, most that follow this Court are forced to go seek for attestation of their life and manners.  
Prince de l' Amour, who Reigns over all the people of this Country, is a young Prince that never grows old, nor does he easily admit of any ancient people to dwell in his Land, except it be to serve for Buffoons in the Play: all his designs are taken at random; for he never consults or takes counsel in any thing: 'Tis thought he is Love's Brother, the Sovereign of all Monarches; but he must then be his bastard- Brother, the Child of Nature and of disorder, who hath unluckily usurped his Name and Arms; and 'tis certain, that his affairs are mingled more with interest than affection, and the irregularities of debauchments are ever more there, than the right rule and conduct of Reason.  
At the entrance of this Court there is a place called Cajolery, open on all sides, which hath been made very spacious by the ruin of another ancient Temple of Modesty, which also otherwhile stood in that place; which when I was acquainted with, I sadly resented, as plainly perceiving that I should never approach Modestiana, or the Island of S●ame-stead, till I returned into my native Country of England. To this place of Cajolery, every day all the hired whisperers, the greatest admirers of little-nothing●, and many animated Idols, which must be worshipped right or wrong, do constantly repair: whatsoever strangers arrive amongst them, they presently entertain them with all the pleasures that their Houses and Tables can afford: come to any of them with a dust- licking- Congee, and some three or four Vostra Signiora's, Spaniard-like, and either commend his good Face, his Periwig, his new Clothes, his fair Hand, his fine House, or season but his affection with an admiring applause; and this your obsequiousness shall purchase you an Host, whose courtesy will imagine nothing too dear for you: good words and fair promises are the moneys that these people use. This place may be called Clawback, or Soothing-court, it being peopled with the strangest Monsters that ever man beheld▪ ●hey bea● every one two Faces, and speak with two Tongues, as they know how to soothe and backbite: they carry the shapes of Apes upon their foremost parts, and all behind of Dogs; so that they seem ●● be a confused composition of Man, Ape and Dog. That there are such Monsters, let reverend Munster in his Cosmography serve for a testimony, who describeth certain Indian people that are partly thus form.  
They make themselves as voluntary slaves to the Magnificoes, as if they were born to servitude. And albeit they are so ●ot●ish, that of their own heads they can enterprise nothing praiseworthy; yet can they imitate and counterfeit any action that they see done before them; the World hath not the like for forging such ●●●●● resemblances.  
They never wear attire, never speak word, never do deed, but they see and hear the like. Whilst I was there, they halted all upon one leg, and went spitting and spawling all the day long, because that Signior Tickle-ear, their Governor, of late had hurt his foot, and withal was troubled with an old pocky Catarrh. They are most of them Barbers, Tailors, Panders and Procurers, Parasites and Lick-spittles: There are also by report some gallant Courtiers amongst them. But however, your Spanish Mimic is a mere Ninni-hammer to these Clawback-Courtiers; speak but, or look but upon one of them, and ye shall presently have him kiss his hand, cringe in his ham, stroke with his foot two yards of dust; and with a laborious Congee, like an Echo, bandy the last word you spoke all the Room about; and with an applauding ●leere, return upon you with all the gracious terms that his invention can possibly vent; together with a whole Heralds-office of titles, and top-beauty Excellentiaes'; and then putting his Lips together with another Bascio delli many, stand hover at your next speech, to hear how his last stood to your liking. Then do but you approve him, and talk on, and whatsoever you say (be it scarcely sense) shall into his Table-book, as an Oracle, for a more than humane conceit. Then will he stand with his eyes fixed on the Skies, and adore you (as a Drunkard doth Bacchus) on all four.  
Such Fellows acknowledge no God, but the man that they make choice of to serve; and him they observe with more prayers, sacrifices and adoration than any Idol could exact. Now all this they do with one of their Mouths only: marry there is not a word comes out of this mouth, but the other (their Dog's mouth) doth forthwith secretly retract, and disclaim; for if they say to your face, God save you; when you turn about, they mumble to themselves a backside- compliment, that is, either The round pox take you, (which is twenty pox beaten into one) or else The Devil take you, which with them is twice farewell.  
In this place one may also behold walking Shops well enough furnished, but that the Wares are heaped together in confusion, and great disorder; the Merchants also sell Praises and Incomiums, on all manner of Subjects, for nothing; only with this condition, not to examine the goodness of the Commodities, as the truth of their protestations of friendship, the sincerity of their oaths of fidelity, and the reali●●, of their idle wishes to interested persons. They have also their complaints for non-acknowledgements, their seeming despairs, and a multitude of ●ine words that these Court-Parrots are ever furnished with, and carry about them; sweet expressions they have indeed, and affected regrets at your departure, together with a thousand dainty compliments for a four hours tedious absence. They are permitted to deal in Masks of what kind soever, and are to be found at Jealousies Quarters, where they commonly make use of them to deceive Rivals, and spoil sports.  
This City of Prince de l' Amours is the Venus, the Eye and Lustre of all Cities Terrestrial, (for the beautiful women that inhabit there) it being by some called ●ivit●s A●gelorum. There are in the whole circumference of the Walls just sixteen Gates: The Geometrical form thereof is neither Circular nor Oval, but of a mean proportion between a Cylinder, and a reversed Pyramid, just like unto the portraiture of a man's body: your understandings cannot be unacquainted with such a general draught as this, except you are only Scioccoes, and never saw Belgia in the form of a Lion; Italy, of a Leg; Morea, of a plain Leaf; Spain, of an Ox Hide; the West-Indies, of a Fish's Lungs; all Europe in the shape of an Empress. He that hath but seen these, and shall but view this Town, must needs avow directly, that he beholds the lineament either of some Colossus, laid all along; or else of Prometheus, as he lieth bound upon the Mount Alazar. In this City is a place called, the Palace of good Fortunes, where Prince de l' Amour receives his Courtiers most secret homage. This Palace of good Fortunes is a house of pleasure, whose Foundations were laid by Nature; upon which Art hath since raised very handsome Edifices and Decorations. The Gates are all made of false pleasures, and the rooms furnished with lost shame; and the most secret passages may all be called a scandalous Mystery. Silence commands there sometimes, but for the most part Indiscretion, and sometimes Distaste doth let in false reports, which are Fame's forerunners; upon whose least buzz, she must needs sound an Alarm with her Jews trump, and make a tattling with her hundred Tongues. This Palace stands in a Valley so closely barricadoed with Trees, Hedges and Bank●, that it is neither facile to espy or approach it; those only that are free can have the privilege to enter at pleasure, though ● be the utmost aims of all the A●oroso's; and so ambitious they are of honour, that many will often persuade people they have come from thence, when indeed they could never get in there.  
They are all well acquainted both where it is, and know the ways which lead thither; but as there are many several Paths, and those very differing and distant one from another; each one takes that course which he finds most convenient, and best to agree with his own fancy and condition.  
Some walk the plain way of delighting and pleasing; which is indeed the fairest, and the least perilous of all.  
Others choose the Golden path; which without doubt is the most certain, and in which one goes farthest in a short time: but all the World cannot go this way, it being only reserved for rich men, (the Golden Calves of this Age) and others of the like gang.  
There are some that tread in the road of Opportunity, which is none of the worst ways; but they must be careful to look often on their Watches, lest they lose their Tide and Market-hour; for Take a Lady in her humour, etc. Others there are that rely upon the Path of Obligation; but this is the farthest way about, most troublesome, and more uncertain than all the rest.  
Last of all, there are some that make their passage through the Fort of Enterprises; which is the shortest cut of all indeed, but it is dangerous; and because of Countermines, it being so inaccessible a place, ofttimes the Traveller is constrained to return back the same way that he came.  
Not far from this Palace of good Fortunes, on the top of a Mountain there standeth a Castle of all Ghristal, not wrought by any Art of humane power, say the Inhabitanrs, but by the Goddess Fortune (Fortuna favet fatuis, is a saying not so old as true) she being (upon some distaste of the gods) banished from Heaven, her blind Ladyship set up her rest here, and built this her second Terrestrial Heaven. And from hence she spreads her goodness through the World: here she sits giving all abundance, that the most credulous servant she hath can possibly expect: nay, be his expectation constant, 'tis believed he cannot choose but obtain it: Hither do men and women flock, but especially from Foppiania and Coxcombia; there is not one (almost) high or low, in those parts of the World, but have seen this Mount (and others upon a further discovery will ascend it.) Men talk of Saint James of Compostella, our Lady of Walsingam-Hall and Sichem, etc. they are, or will be, desert and desolate places in respect of this: Here the Pilgrim lies prostrate in the Valley, in devout expectation of the Goddesses call; here the people are as thick as ever Hailstones lie in the highway after a frosty storm: yet may not any person living approach the ascent of the Hill, until such time as the Priests of the Castle do hang out the White Banner, and that is a sign that the Goddess is pleased that they shall ascend: and then they all cry with one voice, making the Skies rebound again, Madonna Scoperta (the Italians cry so, unveiling the Picture of the Lady of Loretto) and then, run that run may, one over another; every one crying out of the straitness of the passage up: Nor will the worst man there give place unto the best; so that sometimes you shall have them scold one with another, like so many disagreeing Neighbours in an Alley; and sometimes to it by the ears with dry blows, every one in the company thrusting on him that was before him, and flouting them that are behind. Here did I see certain of them that durst not venture on the crowd, grown even hoary with expectation, and yet had not means to get up the Hill. But what do they that get up? Faith, desire to have themselves called together; nevertheless each one begged that it would be the Goddess pleasure to grant him his desires first.  
You shall have one praying for the attainment of his wayward Love; another, only that it should please Fortune to send him a Wife that was no shrew; a third, for Honour; a fourth for Riches; every man as he liked and had occasion: and there you should have twenty beseeching for such a wealthy man's death; and as many for the burial of so many Churchmen, that they might pass from reversions to the possession of this or that fat Benefice: there sat a crew of ill-faced-Wenches, and their snir was for beauty: there was an old Wife also, with as many Oak Trees in her Mouth as Teeth, and she expected to be restored to her youth again: and as many more Suitors (you must think more than I can now well remember.) Now the sign of admission being given (as I said) up Hill go all that can go up, not on their feet (for that were, as it is esteemed there, too much presumption) but upon hands and knees: and with great reverence, I warrant you: being gotten on the midway, one of the Priests entertains them courteously, and inquires every particular man's name and Country; which when that he heareth, he proclaimeth with a loud voice as ever had Stenior, a fellow that in Homer had a voice as loud as five voices, who was appointed partly to give notice to his fellows, and (as some think) to the Goddess herself, what guests were arrived; and partly by this means enquiring the piety of them, to know ere that they came any nearer, whether they address with the faith and purity that is required: for if they approach thither guilty of any crime, she hangs out her Red Banner, as a sign that they must be removed into the Cloisters, where they must be kept till they are able to salute her with a purer soul, and pass the residue of their journey with a lighter purse. But if the Goddess likes them at the first, the Priest without any Ticket admits them, and so lets them pass, with these words, Believe, expect and Hope; and so God b'w'ye. On go they as cheerful as Pies, until they come to an Ironthreshold, a little below the steps that ascend to the Castle-gate: Upon which Iron this Distich is written.  

Fortunam si avide vorare pergas,  
Illam ut male concoquas necesse est.  
Who swalloweth Fortune, ere he chew it,  
Through ill digestion needs must rue it.   
The Castle-gates are kept by a rigorous Porter; yet Money will make him to do any thing: the entry is so narrow, that it seems to be rather a hole than a gate: but after you are crept once in, then shall you see a house more like a heavenly than an earthly; all Pearl and Gold, whose lustre dazzles the eye to look upon it, and whose external view promises no less than the height of happiness. I omit to speak of the form of the Temple, the Priest's Habits, Orders and Offices; these, for brevity's sake, I wittingly over-pass. At length, when you have viewed all (for you must needs bestow a little time to gaze upon this Pile of admiration) comes another of the Flamines to you, and taking you by the hand (having first blindfolded you with a Linnen-cloth) he leads you through a hundred turnings, indeed whither he lists; but as fond men believe, unto the Temple of this good Goddess, whom mortal eyes must not behold; and therefore you are muffled: now you must couch, and kiss the sacred pavement; and lie so without once moving, until that the Goddess call you by your name; and then ask boldly what you please: do but effect what she commands without delay or distrust, and were your request (say they) never so hard, it shall be fulfilled. Well, but (you will ask) what is the end of all this ceremonious observation? By my troth a ridiculous one, able to move the gentlest spleen alive; they are all singularly and ingeniously Coney-catcht, men and women, rarely fetched over, and with Arts quintessence: and yet for all that, this Art is so secret, that though no man pass this trial, that is not made an Ass; yet every one had rather blame his own slothfulness and incredulity, or else believe that he had committed some mistake, rather than so much as once to glance at any imperfection in the power of the Goddess. Well, having propounded your petition, (suppose it be Honour) the Goddess assents to it most graciously, commanding the suppliant first, after some hours, to take a potion, whereby his spirit may be the better adapted to the ensuing felicity; and then to lay him down again until she call him the second time: which if he do but rightly observe, he shall assuredly (as they say) be crowned with his full wishes, to continue installed in happiness for ever, and to have always the same cause to be grateful to the Goddess for her heavenly beneficence.  
It passeth; the suppliant taketh the cup, and drinks it all off, praising in his own thoughts the drinks delicious taste; being utterly ignorant, that it is but only a potion compounded of Poppy, Opium, Lettuce, and other such procurers of sleep ● but the effect is the trial; he falls asleep, ye may turn the house out at the Window (if you can) and never awake him: and then is he haled up and down the room like a dead Carcase, by the Villains that officiate; and when they have laughed at him till they are weary, they lay him in a rich Bed, in a Chamber like a Kings, cieled with Ivory, and arched with Golden Pillars, where all the Tables spread with rich cover, the Arras of Compania, and the Tapestry of Alexandria, are but Sackcloth to them.  
About the door stands a company of attendants all bareheaded, each in his Golden Chain at least, and all Courtier-like accoutred, expecting when this Endymion junior will awake: that Minion of the Moon is said to have slept forty years together ere he ' waked (this Mooncalf sleeps commonly not above three days after he hath taken the potion) who then lifting up his head, beholds all the room with amazement (as well he may;) and seeing all this fair company of shining attendants, is wholly transformed with wonder●s whilst they in the meantime approach all in order with a ceremonious revarence to salute the awaked great person, to whom they wish health and fortunate days: Mass thinks he (taking more than ordinary state on him) this is brave. They humbly approaching him, ask him what apparel his Highness will be pleased to wear to day: your suit of Goldsmith's work? your suit of Tissue, embroidered with Rubies? your Cloth of Gold Doublet with the Carbuncle-buttons, or your Pearl-powdred-Vest? Tissues, Rubies, Carbuncles, Vests? hay damn! (he could not remember that in all his life he was concerned with Tailors for any such Apparel) howsoever he was so well pleased and valiantly contented (as he imagined the Goddess Fortune had made him already such a Courtier) as that he resolved never to pay any Taylo● bills; he is an Endymion indeed now, and will not change states with the Man in the Moon, for all his fulgid glittering Throne that he sits in. Well, rich clothes are brought him indeed; every man helps this mighty person on with them, as one says,  
Dant digitis gemmas, daunt long monilio collo.  

His hands with sparking gems they deck,  
And hang rich Chains about his neck.   
Set a Diadem upon his head adorned with Pearls of incredible greatness and lustre. All this goes well on still, thinks he; yet would dinner were ready, he wished, and whispered it privately to himself: for (though he found his own Highness very hungry) he could not, if one had told him so, believe that he had eaten no meat for three days. He no sooner thought thus (for he imagined that it did not concern his greatness to speak to his attendants of so ordinary an affair which would follow in course:) as I said before, he no sooner thought it, but immediately dinner was prepared and served up all in state; such rarity of services, such brave attendants, such ravishing Music, such Mirth! Pho, nineteen Muses cannot give a man words to describe it. And thus the whole day was spent, as time ye know will pass: his fine Holiness thought all his own still. Well, night comes up with supper, and up supper comes, with as rich, nay, richer purveyance and attendance then waited on the Dinner: and for a conclusion to the ●east, his imagined Highness hath the ●other draught given him of the same holy potion, which presently locked up his senses, in a sleep as profound as the former: and then his poor twelve hours' greatness, being, as Virgil says,  
I am simul expletus, dapibus, vinoque sepultus,  
Gorged with good cheer, and wrapped in sleepy wine.  
Is carried out at a Postern, stripped out of his Tissues, his Rubies, and all his Goldsmith's work, and re-invested in his old clothes, (which with his being dragged about, were made somewhat durtier than they were before) and so laid out in the Highway for passengers to gaze upon; where when he awakes, he falls into as great amazement as before; and remembering how gloririous a bliss he was enthroned in but yesterday; and finding himself now utterly deprived of all, he falls a lamenting with a heu quo decidimus, miserably deploring, and bitterly ●ursing either his own sloth, or deafness, that he did not give ear (as the Goddess had charged him) to the second call: Oh, how he cursed himself for his gross ingratitude● who being placed in so high a felicity, that he should neglect to pay the Goddess her high tribute of thankfulness! So away he goes weeping and wailing, with this word continually in his mouth, Fuimus Troes; I was whilom a brave fellow! exhorting all persons to take example by him (as they use to say at the Gallows) he desired them never to be negligent, never thankless, but to proceed though confidently, yet withal warily, to obey what the Goddess enjoined; and then they could not fail of felicity. Such had I once (said he) been, but now by mine only folly, I have lost it all, every part and parcel of my former greatness. Now every one that heareth him, thinks this; I hope to take better heed than so; and they hoodwinck themselves ere ever they come there. 'Tis strange that the people of these parts having two such strings to their ●ow, should so many of them neither get preferment at the Court or Palace, nor at the Castle of the Goddess Fortune, being served at both in the same manner; so that many of them precipitate themselves into the Abyss of Despair, which i● some distance of place, both from the Palace and Castle of the Goddess Fortune: but the wiser sort of them take sanctuary in a place called Turn-again Chapel: this Chapel is built on firm ground, separate from the other places by an Isthmus very dfficult to pass over; 'tis under the Tuition and Government of Captain Repentance, who alone hath the power to give a free passage; he is a melancholy, but very wise person, pious and charitable to those which address themselves to him. He doth not use to give ear to the first complaints of such as only sigh for their misfortunes, or curse the disorder of their lives; but he penetrates and pierces the bottom of the heart▪ and will examine the sincerity of it; and never assists any but those which fix upon a constant and firm resolution to quit their impertinent, covetous and ambitious fancies; and then he conducts them safely into that miraculous Chapel, where as soon as they are arrived, their eyes are unsealed and opened, so that they clearly and evidently perceive how blind they were; and discover that all what before they had beheld in their fancies; was but imposture; that all the sweetnesses of changeable Fortune, are but sugared poisons; that the false pleasures of this life do ever produce real pains; that the happiest of them are continually on the rack, that these outward enjoyments are only vails cast over the troubles and sorrows which await them inevitably; and that there is no place more unhappy and bad than that which is called the Palace of Good Fortune; that in truth it is the Trap for wanton and impudent youth. Thus taking better resolutions and desires, some walking a quite contrary Path to that which before they had strayed in, they enjoy a true and happy peace and satisfaction, which before, in the greedy prosecution of their Fortunes, they had in vain sought after; and so by this means are restored to their perfect minds.  
'Tis true, that behind the Palace of Good Fortunes, there is a Garden of a fair extent, which is called the Court of Recompense or Reward. At this word there are few but will imagine and fancy that here is a Terrestrial Paradise: but though Art doth every day strive to embellish it, yet it seems to be a placè where Nature brings forth nothing but troubles and miserles; the hedges are Thorny and Bryerie; there are no Flowers but blasted ●Pans●y●, weeping Daffodils, and wormeaten fool-coats; and no plants but Ru●●, Wormword, and Floreamour; no● any Fruits but choak-Pears: the Fountains indeed flow on both sides, but the waters are for the most part bitter; but set them be bitter or sweet, I am resolved no longer to tire out my Reader with this tedious preachment, but to go on jovially with my following description.  
In this Court of Prince de l' Amour, are persons of all degrees, conditions, qualities and sizes.  
Not that the Subjects of this State are considered under their divers titles; for they are distinguished by other qualities far more illustrious.  
Some are the sighers, ever clothed with anxiety, and care of a deep sad thought-colour.  
Then the wantoness are always roabed with Gewgaws, Nets, Gins, Weathercocks, and such pretty Traps and Devices.  
The Adventurers are in Habits of changeable Taffeta; these run in all roads, and yet never stray far from the Castle of Enterprise.  
The glittering Gallants fair without and foul within, are considerable only for their gay Trappings: these spend very much to little purpose, they are the only make Flyalls under the Moon; Dogs, Dice, Hawks, or Kites for a need, etc. are their Objects; they do nothing in the world (next to their hatred of learning) but invent how to spend: thus they fly out their Patrimonies (their Fathers were born before them) and when all is gone but their Clothes, then farewell to them also. These are those that call one another Dick, Tom, Jaok: and whither dost thou go to day? to a Playhouse? to an Ordinary? to a Wench, & c? Alas poor Gentlemen! what's a man but his pleasure?  
When these new Inhabitants have cast all their whole Estate overboard, than they do either retire to other men's Tables, or else are maintained at the public charge in that same place, where stands that ancient model of Coal-harbour, bearing the name of the Prodigals Promontory, which is appointed as a Sanctuary to Bankrupt Debtors: thither flee all those for refuge that are cast at law, or feel themselves unsufficient to satisfy their deluded Creditors; any of whom, if they pursue their Debtors hither, and force them from their protection whether they will or no, they are immediately accused as guilty of sacrilege, and so are thrown headlong down from the highest Tower in all the Territory.  
Those of this Country that have any Sons, assign them their full Patrimony ●re Nature allow them any Beard: and in case they die before this time (if ●●● can believ 〈◊〉) they leave all their Estate unto their Wives to dispose as the● list afterwards, without any 〈◊〉 of progeny: But if they have the fortune to bury their Wives, then do they lavishout more upon their Funerals, than would serve fo●▪ Dow●ie to the ill favouredst of their Daughters▪  
Every man here a●ouches▪ himself to be at least a Gentlem●n born: and pretend most of them to show a Pedigree of ten thousand years before the world was created (which is somewhat beyond the descent of the Shentlemen of Wales) you shall have them show you Galleries all drawn with thei● Lineal and Collateral descents; and yet when all comes to all, their Neighbours (without going to any Heralds-Office) are able to prove, that they had Cobblers, Carters, Butchers, and Costermongers ●●to their Grandfathers. Nor is there any of their more select Gentility, but hath his Country Farms, three or four, leased out to his Villia●oes, his retainers, and those are commonly Clawhack-Courtiers; otherwise, as their Progenitors did before them, they might have whistled for their Estates.  
The ●abble are of all hairs, conditions & understandings; Buffoons, Upstarts, Braggadochioes, Powdered Heads, and Pickled Tails, which, some say▪ of Millers are become Gentlemen; others affirm, that of Gentlemen they are turned Millers: I know not whether is the ●ruest, since they wear the Miller's Livery on the Head, and the Gentleman's Badge at the Heel.  
There are some others that in respect of any valiant use they make of it, might be armed with Tin only. These stile themselves stout men, and strong wits; whereas, indeed, at the first encounter with any man of Mettle (though the Ladies have wept that Achilles was too hard for Hector) they are pierced to the quick without making any resistance. Let them swear all manner of oaths, no wise man will ever believe them to be valiant. As to their wits, they never speak but only to show themselves Critics, and are only much esteemed by themselves, though they are as much scorned by others; conceiving that they know all things (whereas, any thing but vice is above their capacities) omitting to learn that which is fittest for them, they would erect themselves (what should I call them otherwise?) as much as in them lies (if they could do more than what was done before) general deformers of Prince de l' Amour's Court.  
These fellows, when they have strutted to their uttermost extent, the Ladies do but hate them. They do so much want ordering of themselves, though they would pretend to regulate others, that they are the most impertinent, and will be ever held (but to little purpose) the most importunate presumers that attend that Court. They are so valiant (as I told you before) that none of them stir abroad unarmed: the Cutlers trust them for Swords; and therefore (as they intent never to pay for them) they give them as freely away to their fellow-Cowards, whom one may disarm (though they swore, and stood upon terms) with one single well-managed Tobacco-pipe: For though they have their Ammunition hung about them, they are but only hired, as so many Porters by Mars, who hath no other occasion for them: Yet one of these Braggadochioes will be always so accoutred, let him go but to my Neighbour john's, he will have his movable about him. If he meet any man that will not give him the Wall, Catzo del Diablo, 'tis presently slave draw, or else prepare thyself to kiss my pump, for the refarciation of my honour. They never make any journeys forth, but they always bring blows home; but very seldom it is that they leave any behind them; for they run on foreright, and dare not so much as look backwards. If any one of them chance to kill his enemy (it is so rare an accident for him to have such a stomach) that you need not to question, but that he turns Cannibal, and feeds presently on him. They have no Laws, but all goes (when they are valiant) by might and main. He that is so courageous, if he be wronged, must be his own evenger, or else he may go home like a Fool as he came; for his Sa●acen-faced, Swash-buckler-companions, out of a pale almost dead fear, leave him to shift for himself; they'll be sure to run without a ●ear or wound safe to the next Tavern, where they fortify themselves, and build a sconce of a victorious never payment: and these are the height of their Achievements.  
The fairest place of all the City is the Market, called Royal, both for its excellency, and for that the Prince is lodged in the middle of it, that so he may at one view behold the Rendezvouz of his Courtiers; so as at least to keep those (if it were possible) that are most enormons in awe.  
This City is environed with an infinite number of retiring places, where the chiefest appointed Assemblies and Meetings are kept, which are so many magnificent Temples consecrated to the new Deities of the Country: in the midst of a great many Portals, Staircases, Cells, Galleries, and Closets richly flourished and set forth, there is always one place respected like a Sanctuary, wherein there is an Altar made after the fashion of those beds dedicated to the Pagan Gods, where, for the most part, lies a Lady exposed to the public view; handsome, and richly adorned; noble, but accounted vain; sometimes wise, but still sufficient: and thither at her feet does the most illustrious of the Court resort to burn their Incense, offer their Prayers, and solicit her favour to Prince de l' Amour, that they may obtain entrance into the Palace of Good Fortunes.  
The people of this Country have no true settled Religion; they have many Temples indeed, but they do not go there to pray, but only to see and to be seen, to scoff and jest, smile, wink, cavil, make matches, take assignations for debauches; and so they make the Cloak of Piety a cover of their Drollery.  
In this City there also is a great Obelisk of black Marble, on which all the Fundamental Laws of this State are written in Letters of Gold, of which these few following are the least considerable.  

1. That Modesty, Discretion, and Reservedness, shall have no admittance into this State, unless they may be useful to such as are obliged to play underboard.  
2. He that hath not wherewith to bestow, must provide himself of some rich Gull to defray all his charges.  
3. After a long stay at the Park, or elsewhere, a good Husband that waits at home for his wife, may drink one glass of Wine to drive away Melancholy, but is absolutely debarred from cutting off●▪ one bit to stay his appetite till his Lady brings home her Gallants with her to supper.  
4. Whoever maked profession of Fidelity, shall be bound to justify, that he is of the Race of Am●dis, or of the descent of Celadon; and in case that he cannot, he shall pass for an Idiot.  
5. That the Husbands shall be obliged to keep those Children which themselves have not gotten, without troubling of their brains to know what the right father gives underhand towards their maintenance.   
And though Prince de l'Amour receives no homage, nor grants any considerable privileges, but only to the Natives; yet nevertheless, for the benefit and advancement of Trade, and enriching of his subjects, he suffers these four sorts of strangers to abide there.  
1. The Begulled ones, which are a people so cunningly flattered and soothed up by their Wives, that they cannot believe any other participates with them in their delights.  
2. The Cravens, which are in doubt, but dare not complain for fear of correction.  
3. The Hard to be shod, thus named, because like Mad-colts they kick and fling, and play the Devils, to shun those knocks, which nevertheless they are sure to feel; but the difference is this: the one is shod with the halfmoon on the Head, and the other at the Heel.  
4. The fourth and last are the Jobelins, who know they are dubbed, but had rather quietly conceal their Horns in their Pockets, then have them in the view of all the world; besides the fear of the loss of their worshipful office, if they should understand, or the sad shipwreck of those profits and incomes maintained by their Wife's industry, and the favourites benevolence.  
They marry Wives, and love them pestilently well for a while, keeping themselves truly loyal to their espousals, until they take some occasion of dislike with their old bedfellows, or chance to behold another fairer than she: and then farewell Wife, and farewell with all my heart Husband (saith she) there is no love lost; for the Wife is commonly as willing for to make an exchange, as the man is: assure yourselves that she is as ready to take a dislike, if her Husband be any way declining: just as our Citizens use a man; as long as he hath cash, you have him brow and bosom; but that failing, my Master is not within, Sir.  
The currant coin of this Country is stamped with a City-hen on the one side, and a Cuckoo on the other reverse.  
There are here some that are mighty courteous, many of them will use a stranger the first day, as if he were their own brother (though they never saw him before:) Mary the next they will pass him by, and forget that ever they saw him. They seldom or never proffer any thing which they do not call back at the next breath (you must take them at the first rebound:) Nor do they ever promise, but they afterwards forswear it; you are never sure till it be performed: nor do they for the most part perform any thing which they do not afterwards (though too late) recant and be very sorrowful for. They will not sell you any commodity to day, but that they think they might have sold it dearer to morrow. They are as inconstant in the management of their Edicts, as the She-landers, for some Laws they alter every year: For it is not fit (thus they defend it) seeing all man's life is mutable, that the rules of life should not be mutable also, as well as the effects: besides, man's second cogitations being generally more perfect, it were a strange slavery to be tied to a first Decree, that although the afterwit be disliked never so much, it must not be altered.  
But that which ought to gain Prince de l'Amour a greater renown, is, that having given Tax-gatherers liberty to negotiate in his Dominions, yet he never suffereth them to propound any new impositions to his Council, being still contented with the ancient duties; for in this City, he exacts nothing but frequent visits, deeps sighs, and fond (but well dissembled) desires, which are esteemed common duties, and a general homage to all comers; and in these things wherein his vassals are the oftest pressed, they expose or tender only the lips or the hands, except in some particular places where they add the breast: but in this Palace of Good Fortunes, tribute is taken of all, both of Nature and of Art; of all kinds, handsome and homely; and of all sorts of Animals young or old; of all Offices and Employments, both in City and Country; keeping the Courts always open to receive their payments both night and day.  
The most eminent and most inaccessible place, is the grand Magazine, fraught and filled with all sorts of Curling-Irons, Boxes▪ with Black-patches, Sweet-powders, Looking glasses, Masks, Ribbans, Hair-Bracelets, Pocket-Tortoise-Combs, Beard-irons, Essences, Cordials, Gums, Pomatums, and other like necessary Utensils: and round about this Magazine are the workmen, some of which are employed to cut Patches, and lay platforms how hese Murderers must be planted for the best advantages, and to do the greatest execution; which only the Master-workmen dare undertake, to compose artificial Beauties, to slabber over the Nose, and blanche the hands; to make all kinds of new-fashioned Trim, coloured Plumes, and sweet Nosegays of all sorts of Flowers, and those in all seasons of the year, etc.  
Some make profession of a new art of moulding and fashioning of Lady's breasts, undertaking to conceal those which are over-big, and to add a just proportion to those that are less perceptible. But their best workmen are the new-fashion mongers, Screen-fan-makers, expeditioners of Sweetmeats, and Collations, Introducers to Plays, and Plotters for private Walks; and nothing is more dearly bought, or further fetched than a crafty cloak to hide a wanton visie, or a acquaint excuse to lie alone one night, when to be sure some stinging Flea creeps in, and if discovered, then handsomely to pretend some rash mistake, or some other such like peticoat-slight, as the wit of a Chambermaid is always furnished withal.  
A little without the City there are Public Schools for the industry of the young Fry, where of the seven liberal Sciences they observe two only; to Say well, and to Do ill. Here you may go whistle and save your labour, as well as to come to meet with the shadow of a Philosopher, or to hear any Lectures read. And for the Laws of Nations, they make use only of the rights of Nature, and common customs Nor do they much care to be great Doctors: every peculiar man here, is both his own Teacher, and his own Auditor. There are some few Gewgawiasters, who give themselves wholly to the invention of Novelties, in Games, Buildings, or A ●a-mode Fashions; he whose device is the most exquisite amongst them, according to his invention hath a place assigned him. He that first devised to blow out bubbles of Soap and spital forth of a Walnut shell, is of as great renown amongst them, as ever was the first Printer or Gun-founder amongst us of Europe. These Gewgawiaster are in great esteem there, yea and amongst the meaner sort also; insomuch, that many of them will not put out some new A-la-mode whimsical devises without their directions; yet these are counted Scholars indeed, for the wisest of them spend all their time in great licentiousness: but that which is most honourable amongst them, is, that they have given the Authority of Regency to persons of Quality, who (how ignorant soever they are) sit in the Chair. The Women also keep the Academies, where all run a Tilt, and are very skilful to run at the Heart; they find the Rings, and the men the Lances, and all other the like expenses.  
There are certain-hangers on, who would ●ain get some allowance out of these public Schools: These Fellows are like your Italian Mountebanks, who draw the people together to see the effects of some rare Unguento, distilled water, or some other strange Engines: these cheats and impostures would make these Academians understand (which as fond as they are) they are resolved (that as they cannot, so they will not) that out of the basest Metals, by a secret Art (and that by St. Patrick a gainful one too) can draw the purest Gold. But in faith they did but laugh at them, and let wiser men but see and consider the toilsome folly of these extractors: they are gulled, and gulled, and terribly gulled themselves; yet can they not find in their hearts to give over. A sort of them of late (as I was there informed) would needs go to the Oracle of the Castle of the Goddess Fortune, to know the event of that weighty business they had in hand. The Oracle presently gave them this answer, Travailez; that is, Take pains. Pho, home they come, as if they had gotten their God Mamm●n in a Box: and forward they went with their Circulations, their Sublimations, their Conjunctions, their Fermentations, (their hard words) till all this headless action ended in put refaction, until Reputation and Revenues were both dead and rotten; whereas Libanius, one of their Authors, if these Fellows were in their right wits, hath set them down the true definition of Alchemy: Alchemy est ars sine arte, cujus scire est pars ●um parte, medium est strenue mentiri, finis; mendicatum iri. And A●rosto, that excellent Italian Poet deals as plainly with them in his Orlando Furioso:  

Thus each man seeks to be an Alchemist,  
Till all be gone, and be his number mist.   
Whereas indeed, the Oracle gave them better counsel than they could comprehend, Travailez, Take pains, that is,  

A Ma●●ock and a Spade will get you gold  
So●ner than Chemistry a thousand-fold.   
These Accademians are so unfortunate to have some▪ amongst them also which are called Poets, who are never here likely to be crowned with Laurel, (because that ●re● is an enemy to the Vine:) nor yet with Ivy, for they are none of Mi●ervaes Birds. These drunken Rhymers here with their Trade, are not able to purchase Ale, much less Sack. They are the very off-scum of the basest rabble on the surface of the Earth; I was grieved to the vary heart, to hear that any should give them that sacred name of Poet, as Antigenides in his Apuleius was, that Horn winders should be called Corneteirs. They are the veriest Lackwit latins, and the most unalphabetical Rakeshames that ever bred Louse: they cannot make two doughty rhythms in their Mother tongue in two hours; and yet these cocking, narrow-brimed, tinder-cloakt-shagrags, confederates with Tale-tellers, Jestbreakers, made a shift to live by other men's Trenchers; these Flies are drunk in every man's Glass; every Country is thwacked with them, as an Orange is stuck close with Cloves; they fill all Ordinaries, Alehouses, Coffeehouses, and intrude into Taverns with their Epistles, Encomiums, Stanza's, Anagrams, Acrostics, Epigrams, Epithalamiums, Madrigals, Elegies, Epitaphs, (the Devil in Buckram knows what) all the Pedlary ware of Parnassus, such as would make you blind, if you were to see them, and would blister your ears, and make you deaf to hear them read: these are those that have the managing of Masques at boarding and petty Schools, and dispose of the Pageants at the Lord Mayor Shows, and do also bear the sway, and usurpover the new Ballad-singers.  
Having thus given you an account of their public Schools, I shall now acquaint you with another place, frequented with the bravest Wits amongst them: it is a noble Edifice which serves for a public Library for the Amoroso's and Amoretta's; it is built of ridiculous imaginations, seldom accomplished wishes, and furnished with several Manuscripts, hitherto unknown in our vulgar language, as Canting, whereof these are the chief and the most studied.  
The Mystery of Folly in three Volumes; the first is the Simpletons address; the second is the Introduction to the Bedside; and the last is the Idiot's behaviour there.  
The Observations of the Heavens, to know the just time and tide of Opportunity.  
The trick to frizzle and curl the hair according to the features of the face.  
An Epitome of such Amoretta's as repent before the latter Season, with a recital of their disgraces who have been constrained to do so to their great regret.  
The invention how with a little cost to gain much honour.  
A Receipt book to cure long and troublesome tumors and swellings.  
The Misfortunes of an admirable Lady whom none ever courted without a Jeer.  
The Contrasto of a pair of Amoretta's upon the question, whether it were better to have a discreet or an adventurous lover, resolved in favour of the last.  
The Master- piece or Formulary of familiar Declarations to be made in secret, and the different tones of the voices to be used, with an exact observation of the when and where most convenient for the important Mystery.  
The troubles of a perplexed Virgin, who having her choice of two Amorosoes, fainted at the difficulty of the Election, and after resolved to make use of both, that she might no more endanger life.  
The disguised Barod, wherein is discovered the Mystery of negotiating without being suspected, either by old Mothers or young Husbands.  
The Mediation of the Waiting-Maids, with instructions how to cajole them handsomely, and gain any servants good will and assistance.  
The Art of Cheating on both sides, first to pick the pocket, and then deny the pleasure.  
These Manuscripts and Books were written by several Authors; they are to be seen and perused in no other place but in this Library, where they are all of them chained, and not to be removed from thence: be that travels thither, and comes off generously with the Bibliothecary, may satisfy himself further, as concerning their more secret contents.  
Within this City there are places ordained for Fine Petticoat-Skirmishes, and gilded Chariot-Turnaments. Now fine Petticoats are certain kind of Animals that have neither feet nor teeth, but yet are very costly. There are some Petticoats which are only of puff-work: these are subject with the least gale or gust of temptation, seconded with a fit opportunity, easily to be blown about their ears. There are other Petticoat-Emissaries which are the only News-carriers from the Palace of Good Fortunes, but in favour only of such as will be conducted by them. Some likewise are Cross-grained Liveries, which a Husband never sees, but that these displeasing objects make him to have sore eyes; howsoever (he saves nothing by it) he must perform his duty unaskt-for, he must nevertheless bestow them against his Will. As for gilded Chariots & Coaches, they are pretty Engines to trundle wealthy Amoroso's and Amoretta's about in. These have sometimes four Beasts to draw them without, and half a dozen Butterflies riding within. The first that enter Maiae's Park, are not always the happiest, but rather the last; for these being freed from the throng, they may the better execute their brave designs, advance, retreat, thrust forward, cast flaming Darts without burning, discharge Pistols without noise; amongst which many other of the City-Coaches are suffered to exercise, which though they make not so much noise, do as good execution, and many times come off and on with as great applause. In fine, amongst all their ordinary divertisements, this Mystery is the most public, and yet the least understood; and those which cannot unriddle their winks and nods, and the Stenography of their black patches, their smiles and other subtle gesticulations, will take it only for a confused noise and throng of Coaches, able to cause the Megrim in ones head.  
Nor is it more facile to find out the nocturnal secret of their invisible Music, which serves often but for a vail for their more private occasions, and is but a kind of a troublesome confused noise to all that live nigh them, though it be a pleasing occupation for those who love to make merry at others costs; whereas, those which some Gallants call the Evaporared Ladies, will dance in any place without a Fiddle, sing good Pricksong without Book, and speak all things without fear or wit; nor do such harbour any malice, if you will believe them.  
The Ladies of this Court, as of others, do not all of them affect the same ways; for some climb over the Mountains of Advancement, others creep under the Hedge of Liberty and Toleration; but most love the close way of secret solitude, and ● favourable opportunity.  
There are some of this Sex likewise, that now and then also choose the Golden Path; but that is for the most part when they are absolutely necessitated, and led into it, by those two bad Guides, old Age and small desires.  
But the best way for them, is a ●ittle of the one, and a little of the other; half Water, and half Wine; and will be a great advantage to all such as can undergo a little, please a little, expect sometimes, and undertake other times, like Dutchmen, sail with every wind; and indeed such as these are ever most welcome to Prince de l' Amour's Court.  
The Lady that is most cherished in the whole Court, and whose counsel is most followed, is the Mode; she is originally of France, a little wanton, but not unpleasing; her humour is fantastical, and very various; she condemns easily without any cause, that which she esteemed without a reason, and makes the Capriccios of some renowned Amoretta, become a Law to all the Kingdom: she is Controller of all new-fashioned Stuffs and Colours; and as Women cannot confine themselves within their just bounds and limits, but desire willingly to extend the same; so she undertakes for all things, yea, to their very language, insomuch, that none dare either do or say any thing, but it must be A-la-mode; yea, she hath so great a Vogue, and is become so puissant, that having stripped all other Amoroso's and Amoretta's, of whatsoever they possessed, to appropriate it to herself, if you ask any of them now what Hair have you? what Ribbons? what Head-tyes? or the like; they answer all, 'tis A-la-mode; nay, even their smiles and their gate is A-la-mode: In fine, 'tis a general obligation to have nothing of their own, all must be A-la-mode.  
But the most active person in this Court is an old Italian, named Intrigue; she is of an obscure birth, and hitherto Historians cannot discover either her Father or her Mother: she always goes Masked, whether for the deformity of her Vi●●ge, or to keep herself the most concealed she can, is uncertain. One cannot truly tell how she is habited, by reason she is so disguised: sometimes she adorns herself like a great Person, sometimes she dresses herself like a Beggar; yea, sometimes she hides herself under a Frock of as many different colours as a Painter's Apron, getting by this means free entrance into those places, where otherwise she would become suspected. Sometimes she is like a Gipsy or Fortune teller; at other times she acts the part of a Pedlaress, and trades in Pins and Needles, Cut-works, Fanders-Laces, with all manner of such like babbles. She walks more by night then by day, and oftener rides in a Coach than she goes on Foot: she never speaks but softly, and most commonly whispers in the ear: she vents nothing but deceits, troubles, brawls, separation of body and goods, all manner of horned mischiefs. In fine, this good woman is a dissembling, ill-wishing, and the most wicked Beldame in the World, who nevertheless hath free access into the stateliest Closets, Bedchambers; yea, even into Hermit's Cells, and other places, both profane and holy.  
Besides these two already-discovered great Mysteries, those that are most welcome, and most sought for in all this Court, are the ill-matched ones, not so called for any defect of Grace or Ornament, but because they are young beauties condemned to suffer under the Tyranny of some old, doting, impotent, jealous sot; these seek for redress from the Privy-Council of Prince de l' Amour, where (Justice taking place) they obtained a dispensation, either to maintain a lusty Gentleman-usher at home, or to wander abroad; and according to the dictates of their Consciences to enjoy all their own Liberties.  
Besides these strange Cattle, there were those that would force you (whether you would or no) to look and gaze upon them; these were called the besmeared ones, of which there are three sorts; the White-Plaisterers, the Red-Painters, and the Varnish-Daubers, which last Fly the Sun as much as the other eat the Rain. Some of these their naked parts are so crossed over with over-gross paintings (as they use in M●scovia) that you would imagine you saw some Statue or Westminster-Tomb, rather than a living Creature; such a Cartload of false colours ensconce their fairest beauties.  
To draw to a conclusion; amongst these Ladies there are the Admirable ones, which nevertheless have nothing to be admired of them, but the name. And then the Precious ones, which at present were very common and cheap.  
The Ravishing one's, that commit more rapes upon the purse then the hearts.  
There are also the Perplexed ones, that have still ten plots in their heads, and twenty Gallants at their heels. Together with the little Mincing Minions, which ordinarily have as slender wits as wastes.  
There were some also that have the titles of Saints, right Saint- touch-me-not, that would seem to be mere Platonic Ideas, which refuse all before the World, and deny nothing in a corner; Cum multis aliis.  
The Air of this Country is so temperate and wholesome, that one seldom hears of any great maladies there; and if an Amoretta finds but the least change in her complexion, as any apparent redness, or the like, she makes her complaints to all the World, as if it were a most grievous outrage that Nature had committed against Love: nor are they hindered from keeping their beds, provided that it be for some advantage to diversify their game, or any other interest, which experience alone can teach them.  
But indeed there is nothing more delightful to behold in all this City, than the Flying-hearts, of which it is very full: they are covered with Flames and large Wings; and 'tis to be admired their Flames are so moderate, they do not scorch their Plumes: they court all the Ladies they meet, and tell them fine things in their ears; but are not much sollieitious, whether they be respected or disdained: these are a Sect by themselves, whose Founder, 'tis said, was one certain Hylas; they have taken the History of Inconstant Lovers for their Directory, and their Motto is, Qui plus en aime, plus aime: in one and the same conversation, they perch upon one Lady's shoulders, on another's head, in a thirds lap; and are so tame, that they may easily be taken by any fair ones hand: they do homage to this Lady's Eyes, to that Lady's Hair, and pay tribute to their lips and breasts: they fly at all, and stay with none; laugh at every Lady, and are scofft at again; for these Flying-hearts can laugh as well as speak.  
Expect not here (gentle Reader) any exacter description of this Country, either of how I found it, or how I left it: you may better inform yourselves, if you please but to take pains to give it such a visit as I did: if at your arrival there you do not finde these Countries, as I described them to you, blame not any defect in me: for their forms of Government are so continually altered, that one may describe ye the shape of Proteus, or the colour of a Chameleon, or tell ye what weather it will be to morrow, sooner than tender you any true knowledge of their discipline. For my part, I give the Portugals free leave to brag of their travels and large discoveries; I reached to the height of my ambition, when with safety I saluted my Native Soyl. Farewell.  
FINIS.   

●●oks lately Printed for Francis Kirkman, and are to be sold at his Shop tender St. Ethelboroughs Church within Bishopsgate, London. 1669.  
THE English Rogue; described in the Life of Meriton Latroon a Witty Extravagant, being a complete Di●●very of the most Eminent Cheats of both Sexes. The ●●rst Part.  
The English Rogue; continued in the Life of Meriton Latroon, and other Extravagants, comprehending the most ●minent Cheats of most Trades and Professions. The ●econd Part.  
Poor Robin's Jests: or, The Complete jester; being a Collection of several Jests not heretofore published, now owly composed and written by Poor Robin, Knight of the ●urnt-Island, and Well-willer to the Mathematics. The ●●rst, Second, and Third Parts.  
Venus' Looking-glass, or a Rich Storehouse of Choice drollery, in Pro●e and Verse.  
Psitta●orum Regio; or, The She-Lands, with a Description of other strange adjacent Countries in the Domi●●ons of Prince de l'Amour, not hitherto found in any Geographical Map. By one of the late most reputed Wits.  
Poems of divers sorts, and three New Plays; viz.  
The Obstivate Lady, a Comedy.  
Trappo●●● supposed a Prince, a Tragicomedy.  
The Tragedy of Ovid.  
The Spiteful Sister, a Comedy.  
Money's an Ass, a Comedy.  
All these are newly Printed, and to be sold as aforesaid; ●ere you may be furnished with all the Plays that were ●r yet Printed, and all sorts of Histories and Romances, ●●ch you may buy or have lent you to read on reasonable ●nsiderations. Also you may have ready Money for any ●●ary, or other parcel of Books.