THE Life and Death of the merry Devil of Edmonton. With the pleasant pranks of Smug the Smith, Sir john, and mine Host of the George, about the stealing of Venison. By T. B. Mine Host of the George. Sir John. Smug. Smug pursued by the keepers for stealing of venison, Got upon the white horse to escape his catching. Printed by T. P. for Francis Faulkner dwelling over against St. Margaret's hill in Southwark. 1631. Smugs Ghost. WHen with the airy essence sempiterne, You might a body (now is dust discern) I was of many set by for my mirth: Good company I loved with all my heart, And like a boon companion played my part, (It was fore-spoken at my hour of birth) Hart-●ating sorrow ne'er with me remained While I your shape (as I have said retained My cogitations were all airy, light: I near loved hoarder, nor the hoarding sin That coin my labour brought me one day in I spent in pleasure ere the next day's night. Mad Master Peter, and my red faced Host My dapper Parson, whom of all I most Entirely loved for his merry vain: And Banks the miller that poor thin che●k'd knave That holp to bear my body to the grave, were men of mettle: of a perfect strain. These men and I, made up a matchless crew For merry meetings till the ground looked blue, we'd sit and send our soaking healths about, Weed sometime theeve together in the dark, To fetch a feast of Venison from the Park. Then grant my ghost this, though our bones be rotten Our names may live & never be forgotten. FINIS. The Induction, with a Description of Master Peter Fabel. Master Peter Fabel, otherwise called the merry Devil of Edmonton (for the many excellent jests he did) was a man of good descent: and a man, either for his gifts external, or internal, inferior to few. For his person he was absolute. Nature had never shown the fullness of her skill, more in any then in him▪ For the other, I mean his great learning (including many mysteries) he was as amply blessed as any. Very pleasant, kind, & frée-harted was he, to, or with his familiars: very affable, and courteous to strangers, and very liberal, full of Commisseration and pity to the poor and needy: both abroad from his purse, and at home from his Table. In his time very well known to him, and sometime (in pastime) very familiar with him, were these men: Oliver Smug, Sir john the merry Parson, Banks the Miller, and mine Host of the George: in whose companies many times for recreation, he would spend some hours. In Edmonton he was borne, lived and died in the reign of King H. the 7. How Master Peter deceived the Devil with a Candle's end. AT the first entrance of M. Peter into the Art of Magic, by charms, spells, and incantations, he raised a spirit, and with the spirit concluded▪ that if he would be obedient to him, serve, help, and ●●rther him, at such times, and in such things, as he should command, his soul should be his reward. This Firebrand of Hell (with great sign of rejoicing) yielded and served him (as his slave or vassal) with very great diligence, in many matters and employments. When this offictious ser●ant thought he had been at his command long enough, (for no term or time was set at the contract) he demanded his commanders soul, as the reward of his pains. Why (said Master PETER) I have ma●e thee a promise, thou shouldst have it, and thou shalt have it, but not yet: when it hath left my body (by my death) take it to thee, till than thou mayest not have it, so rest thee contented. Then the spirit began to threaten, and terrify him to make him set a time of payment for his pleasure: and so affrighted him, that he knew not what or how to answer him. Come (quoth the Devil) be brief, for Lucifer every minute, looks for that soul of thine. Is there no remedy (quoth Master Peter) wilt thou allow me no time, to set my business in order, and take my leave of my friends ere I go? allow me some small time for that, and do thy will. Why how long time (quoth the Devil? desirest thou I should allow thee? why i'faith (quoth master Peter no long time: spare me but till this inche-long end of candle (pointing to the Candle burning in his study) and take my soul. Well (quoth the Devil) though by my charge I can hardly stay a minute, I'll stay so long: about it presently. If I neglect or oreslip my time (qd. M. Peter) take thou the advantage of it: yet one request more thou must grant me. What is that (qd. the devil) Mary this (qd. M. Peter) to confirm thy promise with an oath: I am very loath to trust thee on thy bare word for all the world reputes thee but a knave▪ therefore come swear to forbear me till this candle is burned. By Hell I will (qd. the Devil) and by great Lucifer, As I hope to draw down thousand souls to the deep Abyss (the place of my abode) I will forbear thee till that candle is burned. Then Master Peter, presently after his hellish protestation, put the candle out, and into his pocket: look here (quoth he) till this is burnt, thou mayest not claim my soul: I'll keep this safe enough from burning out and so keep that thou look'st for safe enough. Go I command thee, and tell thy proud Lord Lucifer, how finely I have overreached thee. When the Devil saw he was so cunningly deceived by Master PETER, with many bitter execrations he left him. How Master Peter deceived the Devil again. Not long after the Devil had been thus deceived by the merry Devil, Master Peter Fabel, he went again to him, and finding him a sleep, took the end of the candle (before spoken of) out of his pocket, and awaked him: when he had so done, he showed him the end of the candle. Look here (said he) here is that thou keptst to keep me from my right (thy soul I mean) when this is burnt, thy soul must burn with mine: I'll quickly burn it now (I'll warrant thee.) When Master Peter saw he had lost his candle, (upon the loss of which lay the loss of his soul, if his policy had not once more helped him out) he entreated him to spare him a little longer. No, no (said the Devil, all entreats are vain, thou hast deceived me once, thou shalt deceive me no more. 'tis a good world, when men are so cunning in deceit▪ as to deceive the Devil: but it is no matter, thou art so much the readier for me. Yet here me speak (quoth Master Peter) and as thou likest my speech so deal with me. Well be brief then (quoth the Devil) what hast thou now to say? No more but this (qd. Master Peter) if thou wilt spare till my timely death, put that thou seekest into thy hands, I'll labour all the time I have to live for Hell's advantage: I'll bear more souls along with me to Hell then twenty of ●our cunningest Devils shall. Shall I once more trust thee (quoth the Devil) on thy word? well, swear, Why (said Master Peter) by the black river, Lucifer thy Lord swears by, I swear I will: and when I am buried, either within the Church, without the Church, in the Church porch, Churchyard Street, field, or high way, take thou my soul. Well (quoth the Devil) in hope thou wilt gain me many souls to thine, take thy rest, and so he left him. Many years after when Master Peter Fabel by his white hairs, weakness, aches, and such like signs perceived he could not live long: he went and digged his deathbed in the Church wall, and there rested day & night heartily praying & repenting him of all the evil he had committed. When the hour was well nigh come, that should separate his soul and body, the Devil went to him again and blamed him for neglecting his business by promise, and withal told him he was come for his soul. When Master Peter heard that word, he presently started up and charged him to depart, my soul (said he) thou comest too soon, and yet to late to have it: he that redeemed my soul hath took't to keep, thou canst not have it. Didst thou not swear (qd. the fiend) that I should have thy soul at the hour of death? thou didst, and I will have it. I (said Master Peter) when I am buried either within the Church, without the Church, in the Church-porchChurch-yard, street, field, or highway, take thou my soul. See foolish fiend thou art deceived again, this hole is my grave, If this be either within the Church, without the Church, in the Church porch Church yard, street, field, or highway, my soul is thine: thou seest it is not. therefore I charge thee (so deceived) depart. Still the Devil was very eager on him for his soul, till at last, by his earnest prayers & zealous Invocations he forced him to run roaring to hell again without it. How Master Peter Fabel, punished a Friar and his Lemon for their knavery. Master Peter Fabel one morning very early, walking the fields (as his custom was, to meditate by himself) spied a Friar at prayers upon his beads, very devotly, when Master Peter saw him so earnest in his prayers he went to him, & demanded of him what his reason was, that his chamber would not serve, for his prayers as well as that place. Oh! sir (said the Friar) all places are alike to me for this business, & all times, for I pray when the prick of conscience comes upon me, in what place, or at what time soever. I commend thee much (quoth Master Peter) thou art an honest fellow, and so for that time they parted. The next morning Master Peter went again: & again found this Friar in the place where he left him, the morning before so devoutly praying, but not at that holy excercise, the spirit did not move him, unless the evil spirit moved him, for instead of his book and beads, he had got a wench, and sat coling her so close, and kissing her so thick, kiss upon kiss, that she could hardly fetch her wind for him. A good while stood M. Peter behind a hollow tree unseen, seeing them tick and toy together, at last to fright them from their venery, he went into the tree and with a heavy hollow voice, cried ●ut to the Friar in this manner: Friar, Friar, Friar, the Friar hearing a voice, presently started up, and looked round a bout him to see if he could find the Master of that tongue that called him: but in vain he stood looking for he stood far enough from his eye, though he were close to his ear. When the Friar had stood a good while looking about him, first on the one side, then on the other, and could spy no body, like a kind lecherous baldpate, very handsomely, or rather very knavishly, he went to his wench again. He was no sooner laid down, but Master Peter the second time, cried out (to disturb him) Friar, friar, Friar. At this second call the Friar half affrighted, started up again, and looked about him (a tiptoe) to see if he could find a body to that voice: but he found none. Now our Lady defend us (quoth the Friar to his wench) what voice is this that calls on me so oft? Didst not thou hear it? yes faith sweeting (quoth she) I heard some body call to thee: canst thou not see him? No faith chuck (quoth the Friar) I can see no man: and yet surely this voice, is the voice of a man. But it is no matter, let it be what it will, if we cannot see it sure we cannot feel it. Come chuck let's buss and be merry, be o● good comfort and cross thyself, and I warrant thee safe for a farthing, down lay old baldpate again: b●t before he could give her three kisses, the voice raised him the third time, crying as before, Friar, Friar, Friar. Then the Friar's face began to bewray his fear: he had no more colour in his face, at that time, (though at all other times he had colour enough) than one of these fine whey faced oatmeal eaters, or a wench troubled with the green sickness. Friar, friar, friar, (said Master Peter) (still keeping himself close in the hollow tree) he that sees thee now, unseen of thee, sees at all times, in all places, and all these thy actions. here yesterday I saw thee at thy prayers very devotly, with thy book and beads is this the book thou bringest to pray on now? doth the prick of conscience move thee to do this? speak thou black sinner. There thou hast red thy damnation without present repentance, and penance. Therefore presently, both of you, if you respect more the good of your souls, then of your bodies, by the penance I shall appoint you, purge yourselves: when the Friar and his wench heard these words, they wore verily persuaded in their minds that it was the voice of an Angel they both kneeled down, very reverently together, and said, thy will be done: appoint our penance, and we are ready (with all willingness) to endure it. Then (said Master Peter) you both shall presently be whipped, from this place (the place where you offended) into the Town and about the town. This suffer & desire you to be done by the next man comes ●éere you, and this sin is forgiven you, refuse this, & despairing die dammed wretches. This or what else it shall please thee to inflict or lay upon us, for this sin (quoth the Friar) we will patiently suffer. Then Master Peter presently stepped out of the hollow tree, and went (very cunningly) round about on the backside of a hedge, and came directly upon them, as if he had meant to pass by them. As soon as ever they saw him, they very humbly on their knees told him, that in that place they had offended, and for that offence, they were by the voice of an Angel, commanded to take present penance, or their souls could not be saved. And what (said Master Peter) is the penance commanded? Marry this sir (said the Friar) to be whipped by the next man came near us, from this place (the place where we offended) to the town, and about the town, and this sin should be forgiven us. If we refuse this (this was our heavy sentence) to live in despair, and die dammed wretches. This therefore is our request sir (you being the man, by the Angel appointed) that you would perform your part appointed, while we (very patiently) bear the reward of our wickedness. Well (quoth Master Peter) though I am loath to play the beadle, I'll do thy request, you shall not be dammed for want of a whipping. To be short, Master Peter tied the right hand of the friar, and the left hand of his wench together, and having so done (with a sound smarting rod of willow) jerkt them to the town before him. There in the view of all the people, he lashed them from one end of the town to the other, telling them at every second or third stripe, of the haniousnesse of their fault. When he had thus sound whipped the lecherous baldpate, and his Leman, with most pitiful bloody backs, he left them, and losing their hands, he gave the Friar this caveat. Take heed good Friar, Of Venus' fire, You see the hire, Of foul desire. And so farewell, I have done your request, if at any time you have occasion to use me, in such a piece of service, command me. Away went he very heartily laughing, and the Friar and his wench, very heavily weeping. How Smug won a wager of Master Peter Fabel by a trick that he did. AS one day Master Peter Fabel, (an excellent Scholar and well seen in the Art of Magic) was conferring with certain of his friends, about certain business and employments, Smug being in the hearing of them, between drunk and sober (for he had been plying the pitcher in Master Peter's cellar) ran nodding in amongst them, and the very first word he spoke to them was, how do you my Masters. They being in very serious talk, unwilling to be disturbed wit● his foolish ba●ling, with very fair words, requested him to leave them a little, and within half an hour (or such a thing) they would give him the hearing of that he had to say to them. But he (like an importunate beggar) told them he would not leave them till he had spoke his mind to Master Peter. When they saw there was no remedy, but he would have his will, come (said Master Peter) honest Oliver, be brief, utter thy ignorance roundly, what hast thou to say to me now? Marry quoth Smug, Master Peter, I here say you are a very cunning Gentleman, and that you have done as many fine tricks and feats in your time as ere a juggler in all Europe has done, what will you say now, if a plain fellow, a hardhanded labourer, a poor leatherne-apron-wearer, do ●uch a ●unning trick, as you M. Peter with the help of all your great goggle ●ide, bottle ●osd, blobber●lipt, bladder cheekd, béetle-browed, o'er headed, detestable Devils, ca●not do the like. Why honest Smug qd. M. Pet●r who or where is he that will do this? marry (qd. Smug) I am he. Art t●ou he quoth M. Peter? who would think thou hadst such tricks in thy budget? I prithee Smug tell m●, dost not thou (as thou sayest I do) use the help of some infernal? hast thou no Devil in thy trick? come tell me: Devil (qd. Smug) marry God bless me M. Peter, I cannot endure to look upon these filthy foul-mouthed fire-spitters, no Master Peter, what I do, I will do of my extraordinary wit and invention. Well let's (hear qd. M. Peter) what is it you will do? Marry this I'll do qd. Smug, I'll set a candle burning in the midst of this room where we all are, open and eas●e to be seen as my hand: This candle M. Togood shall see M. Dauby, M. Doutv, Mistress Friskin, and my man Ralph here yet you shall not see it, mass Smug (quoth M. Peter) if thou canst do such a trick, thou putst me down indeed. Come begin, let us see it done, nay first (quoth Smug) let us have a lay upon it, I'll not show my skill for nothing. Agreed (qd. M. Peter) what shall the wadger be? why faith (qd. Smug) M. Peter you know my mind for that, I love always when I make a wager, rather to have it wet then dry, for you know M. Peter I am dry of myself, and ye say the word, the wager shall be a dozen of double ale, you know I am merry Smug, and merry Smug must have his merry go down, or else he is no body. Well I agree (qd. M. Peter) h●ere is my hand, if thou perform'st what thou hast said, I'll lose & I'll pay it. Then Smug called for a candle & a candle stick which when he had, he placed M. Peter in the middle of the room, & set the candlestick with the candle burning in it upon his head: now M. Peter said▪ he do you see this candle, why no (qd. M. peter) how should I see it? is it possible for a man to see the crown of his head? you cannot see it then qd. Smug, no, I cannot see it said he. Then Smug demanded of the rest (before named) whether they did s●e it or no, they all answered I, ask how they could choose but see it, why look you (quoth Smug) all these see it, and yet you cannot see it, they say they cannot choose but see, and yet you say it is impossible for you to see it. Come Master Peter, you know what you have los●? and there had been a Kingdom laid on it, when Master peter saw how prettily Smug had over reached him, he (smiling) sent for his losses, and in pastime made Smug take▪ his well won liquor, so sound that he lay by the walls for the night. HOw Smug when He was mad drunk, would needs go to fight with the shadow of a sword and Buckeler. SMug one day being angered amongst a company of true drunkards (like himself) came chafing out of the Alehouse, like a mad man (as you know Drunkards and mad men are not much unlike) vowing to be revenged, or he would never drink draught of good drink again, as long as he had a day to live, and so chafing, réeled homeward, as fast as his legs would give him leave. This réeling infirmity, threw poor Smug from post to post and from wall to wall, here he knocked his face against one stock, there against another, till half the wild blood in his body, was run out at his nose. Still on he staggered, till he came to a seat (near his home) under a sign of the Sword and buckler: where he sat a while to rest him, and as he sat like an honest man, careful to keep both ends together, cast up (as near as he could without either pen or counters) what he had received in the day before. But all his casting could not cast the remembrance of his quarrel out of his mind: for still he sat railing against his pot companions most greivously, calling them Scoundrels, Scabes, Slaves, Knaves, and perpetually damned drunken Rogues. As he sat thus fretting and chafing, vowing to be revenged▪ he spied (as he thought) the instruments of revenge lying before him: For it was a fair Moonshine night, and the shadow of the sign he sat under, seem to him to be no less then that it came off, the very sword and buckler that hung over his head, unseen or unthought off. Now you Rogues and Raggamuffin's (qd. Smug) I'll tickle you i'faith, I'll e'en make no more a do, but take up my tools, and to them again, by Pharaoh, by this Sun that shines, sai●e he (and looked up to the Moon) I'll kill them all, though every one of them, had as many lives as a Cat: presently stooping to take up his supposed sword and buckler, he fell flat on the ground (for his head was so heavy, that when he had put it downwards, he could not raise it up again for his life.) There lay he sprawling and groping about, to get his Sword and Buckler into his hands, so long, that he fell fast a sleep, and waked not till morning he was fetched home by a couple of his honest neighbours. How Smug laid a wager with certain Shoemakers, that he was a shoemaker, proved it, and won the wager. THree or four honest good fellows of the gentle craft, travelling together with Sir HUGH'S bones at their backs to get work, passing through EDMONTON, went to an Alehouse (the very next door to Oliver Smugs) to drink, where when they had sitten a quarter of an hour, or there a bouts, drinking healths (very kindly and courteously) one to another, and to all good fellows of their crafts and acquaintance, to make themselves merry, they sung a song in three parts very orderly and well Smug (as he was at his work) hearing them sing so merrily, presently left his work and went to them again, bearing in either hand a full Cann of the best liquor. here my old Lads of mettle (quoth he) here's to you, and to all good fellow Shoemakers in Europe, of which number, (for want of a better) I myself make one. Wh● sir (quoth one of them) are you one of the gentle-craft? faith (qd. Smug) I am as I tell you, an honest good fellow▪ and a shoemaker, and for the lo●e I hear to all kind shoemakers, I have made thus bold to come and drink with you. They all (very courteously) welcomed him into their company, and made him sit down amongst them. When they had sitten a pretty while together drinking and singing very merrily, one being a mad wag amongst them (above all the rest) suspecting Smug to be (as he was indeed) a Smith, looked very earnestly upon him, and about him, to find something about him that might truly tell him whether he was as he said he was, yea or no. At last prying very narrowly, he spied his hammer hanging underneath his appron, in a great round brass ring. Then half angry with Smug, because he told him he was a Shoemaker and was not, he began to jest flout and scoff at him, showing to the rest of his fellows and companions, the hammer that hung under his apron. Why (said another of them) my honest friend, came you hither to flout us? wherefore have you told us you are that you are not? Why (quoth Smug) what did I tell you that I was? why (quoth he) you did tell us you were as we are, a Shoemaker, I did indeed (quoth Smug) I told you so, and again I tell you so, and will make good my word upon a wager with the best of you all, agreed (quoth one) what shall the wager be? Why i'faith (quoth Smug) I think you do intend to travel no farther than this Town to night, and you say the word the Wager shall be a shot of five shillings to be spent in sheare drink: what say you sirs are you contented with it? If you be strike hands and a match. A match (said they) I know (said one of them) you are a Townsman, and therefore we shall not need to go far for a touchstone to try you. Presently came a Serving man into the Alehouse to SMUG, and desired him for God's sake to give over his drinking and to go to work, for his Master's Horse stayed for shoes: What do you now think my Masters (quoth Smug) you see I am now sent for, and m●st go presently to put on a pair of shoes, will you yield you have lost? why look you here then my mad bullies, here's's a shoe (pulling a horse shoe out of his pocket) of mine own making, what say you now? am I a Shoemaker yea or no? A Shoee-maker (quoth one of them) here is a shoe indeed, but it is a Horse shoe, nay (quoth Smug) i'll prove it to be a Shoe and no Horse shoe, for I made it for Moss his Mare of ENFIELD, but be it Mares Shoe or Horse shoe, a shoe it is, and I the maker, Ergo, I am a Shoemaker because I made it. Therefore come, deliver your purses of a five shillings piece, or so many small pieces as a mounts to so much, and let us stand close to our liquor, for I think long till I see it. The shoemakers for all this would not yield they had lost would needs have him into the Town for further trial: But all gave judgement on Smugs side, that he was a shoemaker, and had won the wager. Then the shoemakers, when they saw there was no remedy, turned back with Smug to their old ho●esse, and paid their loss●s, with the loss of their wits for that night. How merrily Smug answered one that gave him good counsel. SMug one day being set in the midst of his merry mates, swaggering and swilling very quick in carousing and calling in for more, as if he had had Fortunatus his purse in his pocket, was by an honest well governed man, that sat by, (and noted his humour) sharply reproved, and after reprehension kindly admonished, with the●e ensuing verses. If thou the name, of husband good wouldst have, Then toil to get, and getting, getting save: For he, his gettings cannot wisely keep, Shall wake with care, when saviours sound sleepe· To which Smug merrily and very readily, made this answer. Alas good sir, good husband's name, My dad near had before me: For me to have't then, 'twereweare a shame, As long as Kate will scorn me. (As parson plie-pot, counsels here) I'll freely take my liquer, It makes good blood, the sight more clear: And a dull wit grow quicker. And so fell to his liquer again, till (contrary to his merry answer) it made his quick wit grow duller: For within one half hour or more, he had not one wise word to spare, though he might have had a King's ransom for it. How Smug was frighted by the Nuns of Chestone, thinking them to be spirits, and how afterward he frighted them by his sudden appearance. SMug on a time, as he was stealing venison, hearing the Keeper in the Pa●ke, got up into a tree, to keep out of sight till he were passed by him, which he did: Scaping the Keeper's eye, and so consequently his hand very handsomely. But sitting there a little while, prying and peeping between the branches (like an Owl in an juy bush) to see if the coast were clear, he spied the Mother Nun of Chestone, with three or four young ones, (attired in white long robs, with rails and tippets, as they used to wear) coming towards him with a little bell ru●g before them, sprinkling holy water, and praying upon their beads very devoutly: withal the circumstances of that ceremony they used when they received a sister into that holy order. The very sight of these holy creatures, made Smug quiver, quake, and shake like the leaves of the tree he sat upon, for he thought verily they had been Spirits Furies, Fiends or Hobgoblins, that had come thither a purpose to carry him away for stealing of Uenison, but they (poor souls) meant no more harm to him, than he to them, but past by, not casting so much as a look upon him. When they were past him, his heart (that till then was as heavy as a poor pitifully pained spittle-mans') was as light as a Morris dancers: And very lightly (from knot to knot,) got he from the top of the tree, thi●ki●g to have run to his fellows that stayed for him: but by that time he was gotten from the bows to the root, the Nuns was turned back again upon him. When he saw t●ere was no way to get from them, suddenly he stepped right before them, and (upon his knees with a streatcht throat (like an old bawling broom-man) desired them for God's sake not to hurt him and he would never walk so late a Deare-stealing again while he lived, and still he yawled, and bawled (with his hands clasped together in very pitiful manner) as though he would have rend his windpipe. This good old Nun, so suddenly encountered, by such a roaring raggamuffin, knew not what to do, but ran as fast from him as ere she could, and all her young ones after her like so many young ones after the dam, she run not so fast one way to leave him, but he run as fast other ways to leave her, and to find out his fellows. When he had found them, he told them (in boasting manner) how he met with a company of Spirits in the park, and they durst not abide the sight of him. Therefore be of good cheer my Masters (said he) if Spirits be afraid to look upon me, and run so fast from me, I hope the sneaking Keeper dares not abide my fury, and so they passed on again to their théeving pastime. How Smug, presuming upon his courage, after this exploit, (frighting, these supposed spirits) would needs go the next evening, again a Dear stealing: and how dear he paid for it. THe next evening SMUG and his fellows went again a Dear stealing, but it was a dear Deare-stealing to him and the rest of his companions, for they had not been in the Park above a quarter of an hour privily peaking about for their prey, but they spied the Keeper well weaponed with his great mastiff dog at his heels. Now out alas said the Parson, what shall we do my masters? what shall we do? good Banks, as thou art an honest Miller, and wouldst have me pray for the for the forgiveness of tole-dish sin, tell me what I shall do. Why alas good sir john (quoth the Miller, what should I tell you, I know neither what to do nor say for myself, what sayest thou Smug? thou seest we are all in danger: I prithee good Oliver, as thou lovest a good fellow, and good fellowshipe, as thou lovest that, thou knowest we all love good liquor, give us some good counsel, and good Smug be brief, for thou seest our destruction is at hand. Why alas my Masters (said Smug) what would you have me say or do? By Vulcan I protest, I know not what to say to you: I would I were at my Forge, you good Sir john, a sleep in the bell● fry, and Banks in his Mill, or I would we were all there, that we might be as safe as a thief in the Mill. As they stood there prating and talking the one to the other, they saw the Keeper coming directly towards them: Oh now Smug, (quoth Sir john) stick to us, all my trust is in thee, I prithee good Smug show thyself as valiant now against this keeper, as thou didst against the Spirits, and Hobgobling thou meetest here the last night. If thou be'st remembered, thou gavest us words of comfort then, and didst bid us all be of good cheer, and fear nothing▪ for thou saidst thou wouldst make the s●eaking keeper fly from thee, as fast as thou mad'st them fly. Now honest Oliver, be as good as thy word, make them ●lie and de●end us, and I even I Sir john your mad-merry Parson, will pray to God for thy health and welfare, as long as I have a day to drink in: Why content you Sir john (said Smug) I'll see what I can do, go you two and lie close behind that hedge: If I have but as good luck against this scurvy keeper, this night as I had against my little long taild-hobgoblins the last night, we'll not leave the Park, without that we came for. They (as Smug to●ld them) went behind the ●edge & left him alone to deal with the keeper: but alas for all his big looks and braving words, the Keeper thwacked him so sound that he made him lie sprawling on the ground, and so left him. When the Miller and the Parson (peeping through the hedge) saw the Keeper gone, and poor Smug lie in such a pitiful case, they went to him, now alas poor Smug (said sir john) how ist? what cheer man? I perceive your furious looks could not fright away the Keeper, as it did the Spirits you told us of. Oh Sir john (said Smug) this Keeper is a Devil, he hath paid me i'faith, and yet all these blows grieve ●e not so much Sir john as that you and my neighbour Miller did not stay to take part with me, for you would have had your share in the venison as deep as I, and I had thought he had been worse to deal withal then Spirits, the Devil should have dealt with him ere I would have come into his clutches. Smug had no sooner spoke this word, but the Keeper was upon them again, and mightily enraged against them all, gave the Miller and the Parson as much as he had given SMUG, and sent them all halting home together. How Smug was revenged upon a Barber, (his rival) that made him kiss his tail AS honest Smug loved (as he loved his life) the society of his bearded associates, so in like manner, loved he (sometime) to be mad merry, amongst a mad company of his bare-chind boon companions, his little wanton wagtails: his sweet and twenties: his pretty pinckineyd pigsneys etc. as he himself used commonly to call them. Amongst all the kind lasses he used to keep company withal, one (above all) he best loved, and by that one (above all) he was least loved: for ●ine Philippe the Barber had so laboured in trimming his best beloved Barbara (for so she was called) that he when he came to her, was as welcome as water into a ship, bad news to a fore gréeved person, or the shadow of a man to the longing mistress, of a long kept maidenhead. To be short, one evening Smug went to see his sweet Barbara, but when he was come where he thought to have been very kindly welcome, to the house of his best beloved, to his great grief he found the doors locked, bard, or bolted against him: she he looked for, looked not for him, nor any other at that time: For she (as any kind whore will be) was content with one at once, and one she had: The Devil had put the Barber and she together, and she was very loath that any man should put them a sunder. A good while Smug stood knocking, but no body would stir to let him in then he went to the window, and there he kept a whewing, and a whistling to raise her, but all would not do: Then he fell to knocking with his knuckles against the casement, and at last raised the Barber out of Barbaras bed, not in his own likeness, but in the likeness of Barbara his best beloved: for the Barber like a subtle knave slipped on his bed fellow's petticoat, night rail, & head tyre, which became his haireless face, as well as hers it was made for, and so went to the window in Barbaras apparel, he spoke Barbaras voice as near as he could, and past as currently, with Smug in conference, as could be wished. After many loving words, Smug desired he might have a kiss ear he parted, for the Barber (for Barbara, had told him he might by no means be let in at that time) This kind he-she, very lovingly yields. I préethe sweet Smug, (qd. this fine counterfeit) come buss me through this broken pane, that I will, i'faith (qd. Smug) with a good will as ear I came from School, or went to the Alehouse: then I prithee sweet Smug (quoth the Barber come smake me quickly, that I may to bed again, & to morrow I'll meet thee where thou wilt appoint me: why come sweet heart (qd. Smug) I am ready, and thrust his lips as far as he could into through the broken pane: Against Smugs lips, the Barber instead of his lips turned his A R. his lips I should have said: Smug smackt, and smackt that sweetly five or six times together, ere he could tell what he kissed. At last he perceived he was played the knave withal and by whom: yet in policy very patiently put it up, and with these words took his leave. Farewell sweet Barbara, for the kindness thou hast shown me at this time, for all thy former kindness, and these sweet kisses, I rest by thee to be commanded, whensoever, wheresoever, and in whatsoever thou pleasest, and so sweet Barbara for a while God be with thee. To bed went the Barber again, & Smug, as fast as he could foot it home-wards: as late as he was when he came home, he found all his folks hard at work, and a heat in the fire ready to be stricken out. Smug presently took the iron out of the fire (sparkling hot) and ran as fast as ere he could, back again to Barbaras window, and there very hastily called for his sweet Barbara: desiring her most heartily to let him have one buss more, and he●d raise her no more that night: the Barber presently started up to the window again as he had done before, and (as he had done before) set his buttock close to the broken pane, thinking that Smug (as he had done before would have kissed them: but instead of kissing, or putting his lips too, he put his hissing hot iron to him, and made him fly from the window, as fast, as if the great Devil himself, and half a dozen little ones had been at his tail. Now (qd. Smug) my neat trimmer, I have trimmed you about the hips, as well as you have trimmed me about the lips: as you like this, play the knave with me another time, and so farewell good plaster-maker, hie the home, & clap a plaster to it quickly, or thou'lt feel me when thou dost not see me. When Smug had thus revenged himself upon his rival, he left him crying and fretting, and went laughing home again roundly. How Smug Foxt the fellow that went to cornute him in the Fox chamber. TWo brothers (young gallants in Edmonton) who had often made themselves merry with Smugs company, had an equal desire to cornute▪ or in plain terms, to cuckold honest Smug, éen● on that night his wedding day, not so much drawn to it by her beauty (for she was but a homely Smug lass) or any part or quality in her, as a desire they had to do him that wrong, and especially upon that night: privy strife was between them, plotting and contriving the one to deceive and prevent the other. Upon the wedding day, as opportunity served, the elder brother got the bride into a corner, where he spent many persuasive words to win her to accord to his as he called it) loving request: many of poor Smugs faults and imperfections he laid open, and withal his purse, with very large proffers to draw her on the more easily: but all could not do. She liked never the worse of her Smug (whom she had taken that morning for better, for worse,) for the dispraising of him, nor the better of him for all his large proffers: and therefore willed him to give over his unhonest suit, and be packing: for she was not a woman (how soever she seemed in his eye) of that unchaste disposition. This and many such like answers she made him, as very willing to be rid of him, but could not: for he, (scorning to show a bashful blush) came upon her still, after her cross answers, with a fresh supply of smooth words, & left her not, till he made her (with the appointment of place & minute (make him promise that he should have his desire, but alas, the promise past: not from herhe art, for she was of a settled conscience, that no means might move her, neither proffer, person, or any other inducement whatsoever, to prove false to her Oliver. When he had thus received his answer, and was gone, his younger brother privily set upon her to the same purpose, and with the answer he had was sent away very pleasant, but his expected pleasure was his pain in the end. For she as soon as ever they had left her, acquainted her groom or her Bridegroom with their purpose & told him that ten a clock was the hour, and the Fox chamber the place appointed, wishing him for that night to lie there alone in her stead, ready to receive them, or any of them. When Smug understood by his wife (thouh he was almost past understanding) the knavery that was practised against him, after two or three smacking busses & thanks for her kindness in telling it, he began to talk to himself in this manner: A ha, my little mad jinglespurs would you be nibbling? would you i'faith Lads? i'll have a bate shall bate your boldness a little, i'll fox you i'faith, come to the fox chamber as soon as y●u will. To be short, a little before the time appointed, Smug got him to bed in the Foxe-chamber against they or one of them should come: about the hour appointed, both the Brothers met in the dancing room, or Hall, for they must pass through that to the Fox prepared to perform their promises: but this unhappy meeting had almost marred all for neither of them durst enter in the other sight. By and by, before a minute of the prefixed time was past, the younger slipped in whilst the elder stood talking amongst the dancers, and to bed he went. He was no sooner got into his Hostess (as he thought) but Smug stepped out, and with an old dry boot he had (laid ready for that purpose) so be laboured this young Mutton: monger in his shirt, that he had been as good have had a sound whipping as that basting. A ha quoth Smug, i'll fox you i'faith boy, dost thou think mine host of the George had a whore to his wife? no thou lecherous Baboon, Smug is better liked off in his freeze or Sheepskin, by his own smug lass, then ere a spruce sleeked gallant of you all. Why I prithee good Smug (quoth the youngster) be contented, if I have made thee a fault, I will make thee amends: Nay alas (qd. Smug) 'tis ●o fault, I rather account myself, (for the kindness you would have shown to me) in your debt, but I'll pay you ere you and I part, and about him he laid again: Then Smug made him slip on his clothes, & beat him out a doors. When the elder Brother (who all the while he was as he thought) in the Fox chamber with Smugs wife, saw how ●e was gulled by her, and baffed by him, he smiled to himself, to think how well he was rewarded for his forwradnesse, and how cleanly he himself had escaped that scouring. Why how now Brother (said he) what's the matter? hath your Bed-fellow beat you? is she such a Devil? how chance you pleased her no better? please her (quoth he) the Devil please her & him to, they have pleased me a plague on them, but it would have pleased me better Brother, if you (as it was your desire this evening) had had my place. Why Brother you may see (quoth the elder) what it is to be so forward in seeking to deceive your elders. Well, come Brother, le's go home and sleep honestly, for we see what's got by tempting honesty, he has taught thee, and thou hast taught me to take heed how we enter into any such action again. Then home they hied them hand in hand, one smiling and jesting, and the tother fretting and chafing, cursing poor Smug, his wife, and the Foxe-chamber extremely. How Smug being drunk, lost his fellows in the Park, and how when they got together by whooping & hollowing, he took them for thieves, & would by no means know them till he was sound thawackt by them and made to know his friends from his foes. ANother time, Smug was fetched out of the Alehouse by sir john, the Miller, & mine host of the George, in such a case as it had been fitter he should have gone to bed to sleep, then to the Park a Deere-stealing, but drunk as he was they would have him along with them, for without him they were no body, he must needs go, though he could hardly stand alone. Well, to the Park they got him with what great ado, consider of the case he was in, & imagine: when they were entered into the Park, and were ready to enter upon their business, they served themselves every one to his appointed standing, with their weapons for that purpose, as Crossbows, Longbows and staffs. Smug he was set (because he was not in case to take a steady aim) to watch that the Keeper came not upon them before they were aware, but while they were close at their business, their centinel (honest Smug) forgetting both where he was, & also what charge he had taken in hand, went réeling down the Park, clean out of sight & hearing. When sir john, the Miller, & the mad Host had struck the stroke, made them all glad men, & bound their prize up handsomely together, they went to fetch their centinel, but when they were come to the place where they set him, he was not to be found: body of me (qd. sir john) what shall we do? kind neighbours and friends, what shall we do? honest Sm●g with his head full of liquor is gone god knows whether, I pray love, he be not fall'n into some of these ditches, that I hope he is not (qd. mine host) he was wet enough before▪ w●● what a mad knave is this Smug (qd. the Miller (he is sure asleep some where, faith then (qd. sir Ioh●) we were best give over seeking for him by eye, & try what we can do by the voice. Then they ●ell to whooping & hollowing, as loud as they could, that Smug might hear & answer them: a good while they went whoping & hollowing, but Smugs ear was to far off for their voices to reach, they could by ●o means hear the answering hollow: the babbling Echo answered every whoop they made, but Smug not one. So long they walked whoping & hollowing up & down, that the discoverer of every bad action, the morning was ready to discover theirs, & yet Smugs hollow could not be heard. At last when they had given over hollowing: and were going without him, they heard him whoop, hush (qd. sir john) I think I hear his voice, from whence comes it? mass & I hear it to (qd. mine Host) but from whence I know not. Why then (qd. the Miller) we were best by our hollowing to keep him hollowing still, and so we shall come to him I'll warrant you: They did as the Miller counselled them, and within less than a quarter of an hour had sight of him. When they were come near together, sir john (out of the love & good will he bore to Smug, stepped forward before his fellows, and with an outstretched arm and smiling countenance would have embraced him, But Smug in his drunken humour (not knowing him to be sir john) nor the Miller & mine Host that followed him, to be his old honest familiar copesmates, took him such a knock o'er the pate, that he made M. Parson stagger like himself, though their causes were much unlike why how now Smug (qd. the fiery faced Host) wilt thou fight with thy friends? friends (qd. Smug) Foot you rogues do you come to rob me? keep out, keep out I advice you, and you mean to go home again to see your wife & children (if you have any) keep out, by Pharaoh you all die else. Why I prithee Smug (qd. the Miller) put down thy weapon, we are all thy friends, I prithee Smug (qd. mine Host) put thy staff on thy shoulder, and le's go home together, dost thou not know me? come give me thy ha●d. That I will (quoth Smug) there, and knocked him o'er the pate with his staff: there's a hand for thee, and still stood striking at them, laying about him like a mad man. When they saw he would by no fair entreaty come to the knowledge of them, they all laid at him, and well and sound basted his sides: and by that time they had thwacked him sound indeed, his wits were come to him. Then he knew his friends from his foes, and desired them very kindly, (every man by his name) to hold their hands, and very orderly & well, helped his fellow théeves to bear home their booty. How Smug was deceived of his red cap by his wife, and by that deceit forced to leave his swaggering company, and go with her home to his labour. AMongst diverse Articles that were agreed upon betwixt Smug and his wife, to be kept unviolated on either part, this was one. That day that Smug had his red cap on, (which cap he called his cap of maintenance) he was like a Lord of misrule, to have rule and dominion over his wife, both at home, & abroad, that day he had to spend at his own pleasure: to card, dice, drink, drab, dominéere, and do all that it pleased him to do, without any inturruption, or contradiction. But without that cap, he might do nothing, but what stood with her good will and liking. If any time he were gaming, drinking, dominéering &c. without this cap of authority, if his wife came into the place where he was, and did but hold up her finger, he was presently to give over his company, obey, and follow her home to his business. One morning betimes, Smug was called from his work by a company of true tosspots (like himself) to go a foxe-catching, forth he went with his red cap upon his head, swaggering, & swearing amongst his most abominable boon companions, like the captain of a galley Foist. First they tasted liquor in one house, then in an other, than an other, and so from house to house, till they had not left an Alehouse in all Edmonton untasted. At last when their brains began to be dizzy, with running so long in this maze of good fellowship, (as one evil leads to another (they went all as wise as Woodcocks to a house of iniquity, and there they drank and swaggered helter skelter: and to make them leap more the lustily, they sent for a noise of minstrels, and after that pitiful noise, the treble and the Bagpipe, they danced all out of measure. One while this creeking music would go creeping after them like a tired follower after his leader, and another while it would run so fast before them, that they were fain to run more than a Lackey pace to overtake it▪ In the midst of this merry pastime, came Smugs wife fretting and chafing into the room to fetch him home, but he by no means would give over his pastime: it was his day, and he would spend it at his pleasure. When she saw he was so far in, that he could hardly be got out, she fell to entreating, desiring him very kindly, to go along home with her, but the more she entreated, the more he stood against her. Why thou confounding Cockatrice (said he) dost thou not see my Cap of maintenance, my scarlet coloured Cap. Am not I to do my pleasure without check or control so long as this Cap is on my head? away. be gone, or by the life of Pharaoh i'll be bumble thee, I tell thee, so long as this Cap is on my head I will not be crossed in mine humour. Then she perceived it was but a folly to seek by entreaty to get him home, and yet she was very loath to leave him behind her in that disordered company. A good while she stood musing with herself, what she were best to do to get him along with her, in vain she studied not, for her study begat a trick that effected her will, and that was this. She took her man Ralph's grey cap from his head, & very handsomely when she saw her husband was busy in talk (and had lost the sense of feeling) she took his red cap off, and put the grey cap on in the stead of it. When she had so done, she placed herself right before him again, and held up her finger (for as is before said) at the holding up of her finger, he was to fulfil her pleasure, his red cap being from him. When Smug saw her finger up again (little thinking of her subtility) he was very angry, and out of his anger said thus unto her. How darest thou presume to hold up thy finger? and see this (pointing to his red cap as he thought) down with that finger, or I'll set down finger and body and all, by the life of Pharaoh, now by broad cheked Bacchus that sweet swilling God of good fellows, I will, shall I be crossed in my humours? if my red cap were at home, & I here, I would obey thee, but being both here I will not. Why you are deceived (qd. she your red cap is not here and therefore you must and shall along with me, look here, is this your red cap (said she) and took it from his head to show it him) I pray you look upon it well. When Smug had looked upon it well himself and had asked the Millers and the merry Priest's judgement of the colour of his cap, & found it to be a grey cap, he looked as pale as a poor despairing debtor, at the sight of a Sergeant, or his Cutthroat creditor: and presently yielded, made a low leg, took his leave of his company as handsomely as he could, and reeled home with his wife, very lovingly. How Smug was taken by the watch, and set in the stocks for abusing of them, and how he kept such a coil with whooping, and hollowing under a sick woman's window, that the Constable was fain to set him at liberty, and glad to be so rid of him. Drink and good fellows, had kept Smug out so late one night, that the Watch as he walked homewards had him in exammination, both where he had bear and about what business. Smug half fusseld, or (as many term it) some what rugged, answered every demand very crossly, where upon the watchmen (as men in authority will) taking it for a great presumption that he should answer them so unhappily, grew very choleric, and in their heat of anger, struck him, and heaved him, and shoved him between them, as they would have shaken him to fitters. But as before this rigorous usage, he could not well brook their words, he could now well worse brook their blows, and therefore resolved as before, he had given them one cross word for a nother (I and perhaps returned them with the vantage) seeing they were so ready to give blows, to give them blow for blow. So long as he laid about him with his hammer, (for 't was his Morglay) that scarce two of half a dozen that began with him, would stay to make an end with him. By and by came the Constable with the bloody runnaways, to bear Smug to the stocks (which stood under the Constable's window) with much ado, they dragged him to them, & with as much ado got in his leg. When they had thus set him fast, they left him, & every man returned to his place again. Being thus left alone, he fell to singing, to pass away time as merrily in the stocks, for once as he had done in the Alehouse many a time & oft: He was as well furnished with odd pieces of ba●dy ballets and dr●nken catches as a man of his profession might be; with so roundly trolled out as he sat, that the Constable's wife was fain to send down her maid, to desire him to sit quietly and hold his tongue: How, hold my tongue (said Smug) no though master Constable have a trick, to force me to hold my legs still, he wants a trick to make me hold my tongue still. But I prithee wench, tell me from whence or from whom comest thou, to bid me hold my tongue? marry (said the maid) I dwell here, you sit under the chamber window, where my mistress who (sent me) lies very ss●ke: how sick? (quoth Smug) ay prithee tell me lass who is thy mistress? marry quoth. she the Constable's wife, (how said Smug) the Constable's wi●e? what his wife that set me here? ay, even his wife, (qd. the maid) therefore I prithee good fellow be quiet: O I will I will (said Smug) go tell thy mistress I will not sing one soon more to disturb her: I prithee do not good fellow (qd. the maid) and so went up again to her mistress, she was scarce in the chamber with her mistress, delivering his answer, but he was as loud and far louder than he was before, though not in the same manner, because of his promise: for he had turned from bawling, like a ballet singer, to shouting, whooping, and hollowing, like a forester. Such a noise he made as he sat, with hollowing and whoping, (as if he had been a hunting) that master Constables sick wife, could by no means, take a minute's rest by him. Twice or thrice she sent her maid down to him again to desire him to be quiet: but as often as she sent, he strained himself to raise his voice higher. Nay i'faith (qd. Smug) your husband set me here, I thank him, and do you thank him if I be a trouble to you, for setting me so near you: blame not me for (i'faith) I must be doing some what to make myself merry: when he had thus told her his mind, he fell to whoping and hollowing again. Then she sent for her husband, thinking by his presence to still him, but he being with him, Smug was ten times worse, than when he was from him (for he played the knave so on purpose to cross him. When master Constable saw, that neither fair means nor foul, could make him hold his tongue, and that by t●e ●oise he made, his wife grew worse & worse, he commanded his beadle, (or some other under Officer) to let him out, and dersied him, very kindly, to go quietly home to his dwelling. Thus honest Smug by's knavery, Got's heel●s again at liberty. How knavishly Smug was dealt with, by three or four of his fellow drunkards: and how he broke the glass that showed him the shadow of his own face▪ SMug in his time had played many mad pranks by many, and one day it was his chance to light into the company of three or four mad consorts, that played the knave as well with him, as ever he had played the knave with any. When they had spent a forenoon in quaffing together, and filled him with liquor: (which he was very easily entreated to take) and so full filled him, that he was to heavy to stand or go, they led him out of the Alehouse into the Church-porch: and there laid him all along on his back upon a bench. Under his head, (instead of a Cushion or a Pillow) they put a Cricket, or a little joint stool, (such as children use to sit on in the chimney corner) and under his fleet, a great rough hewed free stone. Yet as hard as they laid him, he slept as sound, as if he had been laid down upon a bed of down: and lay with such a grace, as few smiths (I can tell you) can lie: for he had upon his head, his red cap, his cap of maintenance, bottoned up before, with a fair feather of a peacocks tail in it, bound about with a carnation silk ribben his leather apron turned room together, and wound about his middle, his hammer hanging (hanger like) by his side, and both his hands in his pockets. Thus lay Smug at length, like the Image of Duke Humphrey, over his long ago consumed carcase, or his dust earth and ashes. Had honest Smug (thus lying) been grated about with some pitiful Epitaph, or a death's head, and Mementomorie, and his sleep lasted as long as the sleep of one of the seven sléepers, I am persuaded he would have had more spectators than the richest monument that stands either in Saint Paules-Church or Westminster. But to the matter when (as he lay thus) the mad crew● that laid him so, saw he was as deep in sleep as drink, they began to work their wills upon him in this manner. They got a good handful of small coals, which they beat to powder, and having beat them to powder, put them into a dish of fair water: When they had well mingled (like right daubing painters) their small-coale powder, blacking and water together, and made a perfect coale-blacke, without either size or any such like settling stuff, they laid it on his face which was reasonable black before, not leaving so much white or red to be seen as a small pins head will cover. When they had thus be blacks and besmouched him, with his Devil's look, they left him (snorting on the Porch-bench) till he should either wake of himself, or be ●aked by the Sexton, or some other kind of baldpated Officer. There he slept sound three or four hours without moving: Till at last with a remoone, that removed him from the bench to the ground, he waked, and after long stretching, reaching, and yawing, got up upon his feet. But alas, when with much ado he was got ●p, he had as much ado to stand, yet out of the Church-porch he made a shift to stagger, and up into the street. When he was there (reeling homewards to his ownhouse) the boys at play in the street, spied him at the first sight half afraid of his black face, they ran apace away from him, yet at last when a great company of them wer● gathered together, they turned to him again, and followed him close, shouting & crying after him, Devil, devil, devil. When Smug as drunk as he was, heard them call him Devil, devil, devil, he marvelled much in his mind wherefore they called him so (for alas he knew not) had they called him drunkard, It would never have greened him, for that he knew to be his ordinary title. Still followed the boys at his heel, crying (as they begun) Devil, devil, devil, throwing old shoes, bones, and pebble stones after him. So long they followed him, that they made him (whole drunk) half mad, yet all he could do he could not mend it: the boys loved him so well, they would not leave him till they saw him at his door. His wife (busy within) hearing the noise and shout the boys made, looked out, and spied her own sweet husband in that sweet taking presently she got him in a doors, and there began (very prettily) to make use of her tongue to him. After many brabbling words between them, she showed him a glass, in which he saw the shadow of his face in that most pitiful case. Then Smug began to swear (not like a Smith I can tell you) gog's noon, foot and nails thou most abominable whore, dos● thou show me the Devil to fright me from that little store of wit which I have? An thy Devil were ten devils, I am not afraid of him, and that thou shalt quickly see: with that he took his hammer from his side (still seeing his own sweet shadow in the glass, which he took to be the Devil) struck at it, and with one blow clattered the glass all in pieces. Now you whore (said he) where is your devil now? I think I have mauled him i'faith: bring your Devils to me dost thou? thou dost whore thou? Alas sweet Smug (quoth she) seeing him so very much moved, be patient I préethe sweet chuck, & showing him the cracked frame▪ look here here is no Devil, therefore I préethe sweet Oliver be quiet. Nay (quoth Sm●g) i'll tickle your Devils, i'faith, and your Devils come to molest me within mine own house upon mine own ground, i'll devil them. Come good sweet heart (qd. she) now thou hast beaten the Devil away let us go to bed. After a quarter of an hours fretting, with very good words she got him to bed. In the morning when she knew his sleep had made him ●ober, she showed him his black face again in another glass, which when he saw, and knew well what he saw, he blushed, but the best was it could not be seen till his vizard was taken off with fair water and soap, than he confessed himself faulty, promised amends, and went very close to his labour. How cunningly Smug scaped the Keeper and others that pursued him, and made them run up and down from place to place to seek him in vain. SMug & his mad crew of Uenison-eaters, one night being at their business, were suddenly set upon by their old enemy, the Keeper and two or three more, that after they had taken great pains to get their prey, & bound it up handsomely, ready to bear it away, they were forced to fix & leave it behind them for fear of a further mischief. The Miller he ran one way, and nimble Sir john in his buckram cassock another way, and Smug another way, as fast as if they had been trained up to running all their life time. They had not time to take their leaves one of another, or appoint a place of meeting. As these Deere-stealers took several ways to run, so the keeper & his consorts, severed themselves to pursue them, one ran after the Miller, another after sir john, & two or three after Smug, for he was the only man they looked for, though all of them were known to the keeper well enough. The Miller he ran not far ere he was stayed with a good pat on the pate: sir john's followers followed so close, that he was driven to leap for his liberty over a ditch over he should have leapt, but indeed a short leap laid him all along in the ditch, and so he was stayed and taken up with never a dry thread on him: Smug he ran directly homewards, followed at the heels by the keeper & another, yet they could not overtake him. When he was got to Edmonton with running to and fro, up one lane and down another, he got out of the sight of his pursuers, but it was so late he could no get into any house to hide him, save his own, & into that he durst not go, fearing they would go thither to seek him. A pretty while he stood studying which way to shift for himself, resolving one while to do this thing, another while that, another while another. At last standing thus in a brown study, turning his eyes first one way, than another way, one while up, another while down, he spied the sign of the white horse (not painted upon a board, as they use to be here in the City) but fashioned out of timber, & set gallantly over the sign post. Mass (qd. he) I care not greatly if I get up & bestrid this white horse▪ & make another S. George here in Edmonton, I'll do it i'faith, it may be I may sit safer so than any way else, if I do, I do, if I do not I know the worst on't, 'tis but wearing two stocks upon one leg, & I am as well able to endure it now as ere I was. Up to the white horse he got, & backed him bravely with his arm stretched out, his hamer hand instead of a sword, and the lippet of his red cap tied under his chin, which stood for his helmet most featly. While he sat thus gallantly strutting upon his wooden horse (yet no hobby horse) the keeper that followed him so close to have gotten him into his keeping (with the tother that was with him) went peaking & preying in every corner of the street to find him, twice or thrice backward & forward) they went under him, & yet could not see him, but he saw them well enough. When they had lost an hour's labour or there about, in seeking after him without doors, they resolved another while to seek him within, come said the keeper to the other let us go search the Inns, & first this, this white horse is his daily haunt, and therefore it may be we shall find him here this night, come let us in. As the keeper was going into the white horse (undr Smug) his fellow looking up, bade him stay, stay (quoth the keeper) wherefore should I stay? why look you (said the other) this is not the white horse as you take it to be, this is the George, mass (qd. the keeper) 'tis the George indeed, come, le's over to the white horse. When they had crossed the way (as they thought to the white horse) they found the George again▪ Zounds (qd. the keeper jack, this is the George too. What have we two Georges in Edmonton. Foot man where are we? if this be Edmonton, here was but one George yesterday, & the white horse over against it, now here are two George's one against another: this is strange, 'tis very strange indeed (qd. the other) bones man, are we not at Hodsdon, for thou knowest the two georges are in Hod●dō, mass thou sayest true jack, & by these signs this should be Hodsdon. Come, come, (qd. the other) we mistook our way in the dark, this is Hodsdon, come le's up to Edmonto●. Content (qd. the keeper) and together they ran as fast as they could to Hodsdon to find Edmonton. When Smug who heard all their talk, & sat laughing ready towray himself with laghter saw them trudging towards Hodsdon, he got down from his white horse, & went to bed, leaving them in their wild Goose-chase to seek him. When they were come to Hodson, there they saw the two George's too (for there the signs stood indeed) them they chafed, swore & stamped like mad men, cursed poor Smug & his company, and vowed to be the death of him, if ere they could take him handsomely, their they took up their lodging for that night, and the next mor●ing went home to their business. How Smugs wife locked him in a doors, when he would have gone abroad a swaggering & what shift he made to get out and amongst them. SMug one day very early, prepared himself to go abroad (according to promise the day before) a drinking, & to go handsomely to it, he tricked himself up in his holly day suit, put on a clean band & his red cap, that he might go through stitch with his business, without cross or controlment, but (alas éene as he was ready to go down the stairs, his wife perceiving his intent, presently (to cross him) stepped out of the chamber before him, pulled the door after her, & locked him in, now (said she) & you be hot with anger, walk up and down and cool yourself, if your walk tyre you, lie down and rest you, for you shall rest upon no alebench this day. This cross deed, and these cutting words of hers vexed him that he was almost in as bad a case with fretting, as he had been the day before with drinking, yet he saw there was no remedy but patience, for neither fair words nor foul could make her turn the key to let him out. From the time he rose, till almost dinner time, he walked up and down in his chamber, cha●ing, fretting and mumbling like poor Tom of Bedlam in his ●arne or bousing Inn. At last to cross his wife, (as well as she had crossed him, he took an empty Can that stood by upon a little table, tied it to the end of a long string, and put it out at his chamber window, where it hung dangling like the poor men's box at Ludgate, & he himself like the bawling box man, stood peeping through his Lattice, crying for the Lords sake, for the Lords sake good people pity a poor prisoner, making his can dance at the end of his whipcord, with drawing it up & down as nimbly as one of the little thread Puppets in the lamentable motion of Dives & Lazarus. Well there he stood in this ma●er bawling & yawling, till he had drawn as great a company of people together as the babbling of a cheating mountebank or the foul furred throat of an itchy ballad singer in a fair or market time. To conclude when his wife saw such a company of people, men, women & children gathered about him, she (poor wretch) ashamed to hear him, & vexed at those that stood gaping about him, in a chafing heat as she locked him in, let him out, & was glad to be so rid of him. How Smug was revenged on his wife for locking him in a doors. THe day succeeding this unkind cross, Smug rose again very early, and put on working day apparel, with his old sheep's russet button cap, and went to work as hard as if he had wrought for a wager, he laboured at the Forge, (but 'twas to forge a piece of knavery) till his sweaty face réeked again. All the day long wrought he thus hard without any stop, stay, or hindrance, nay, which is more to be wondered at, he drank not above thrice all day, & that was but as he used to call it, small comfort▪ commonly called small beer. His wife to see him work so close (as she very well might) marvelled, & gave him as kind words as he could wish for, & swar by the faith of her body, she was glad to see such a sudden alteration. He still plying his work, gave her good words for her good words very kindly. When his labour had brought on the evening (which brings an end to labour) he very kindly requested his wife to walk with him to nip themselves alittle in the evening, for it was a very fine frosty moonlight evening, she very kindly took his kind request, and went with him. Very loving walked they together, ar●e in arm, out at town's end, one while this way, and another while y●, even as it pleased him (her most venturous leader) to lead her. They walked thus lovingly up & down together so long, that there was not candle burning, nor one eye open in all the village, than home apace he hied him, when he was come to the door, ready to enter, he sent his wife on a sléeveles errand, to the turning style to his honest neighbour Noddamus, while she poor woman was about his bidding, mistrusting no knavery to be done against her, he presently turned the key on the out side to let himself in, & on the inside to lock her out. When she was returned from the place aforenamed, & found the door locked, & the key sticking in the in●ide, she knocked▪ & with her knocking called, but honest Smug lay snug, & would neither rise to let her in, nor make her any answer. Then she knew not what to do, but (as women do wanting their wills) sat & cried to ease her stomach; his resolution was set to make her sit all that night, to knock her heels & blow her nails at the door, like a poor back-bitten-stal-créeper, never did she chatter better with anger, than she did at that time with the coldness of the weather that made her teeth go faster than her tongue. When she saw that neithar reasonable knocking, nor unreasonable calling could raise him, she took up a great flint stone & beat against the door as though she wo●ld have beat it down. Then Smug started up to the window in his shirt, & very strangely asked who it was kept such a bouncing at the door? marry good man drunkard (qd. she) it is I that knock, wherefore hast thou locked me out? Nay first (qd. Smug answer me, wherefore didst thou lock me in? 'twas so lately done, I am sure thou hast not forgot it, or if thou hast thou seest I have ●ot. Thou lokdst me in, I have locked thee out, Good Ag●is walk, go walk about. So, talk no longer, for I swear by my red cap, & by Bacchus the God of good liquor, I mean to keep thee out all night, as thou kepst me in all day, and so sweet Agnis till between seven and eight in the morning farewell. To bed went he again & left her to shift for herself till morning: how they agreed when they came together, I know not, but you may judge she scarce took it patiently. How Smug quarreled with his fellows, and was ready to fight about the singing of a Catch: and how till they turned it to his mind, he would not be quieted. SMug one day being very merry, with his honest swilling associates from drinking, fell to singing, & amongst all the odd Alehouse catches they had up, this was one I'll tie my Mare in thy ground: this I'll tie my Mare in thy ground was tossed so long to and fro, between Smug the Miller & the merry Parson, the Smug had forgot he was singing a Catch, and began to quarrel with the Parson, thinking verily, he had meant, (as he said in his song) to tie his Mare in his ground: Will you tie your Mare in my ground? (said Smug) the Parson he sung still, I'll tie my Mare in thy ground: In my ground? (said Smug:) still went the Parson forward with his Catch, I'll tie my Mare in thy ground, etc. Then Smug began to swagger indeed and swore, if he tied his Mare in his ground, he would make his cap and scull cleave together: beside he would give his Mare such a drench that after that drink, she should never eat more. The Parson seeing Smugs rage increasing, with very good words, entreated him to be patient, & cast away choler for as I am an honest sir john, and a boon companion meant no harm in the world: I did but sing the Catch, as the Catch was. But all these kind words & entreaties, could not win Smug to patience, till M. Parson turned his song, & himself in singing from him to the Miller: Then they were as good friends as could be, and (in kindness) went again to drink together till they were all laid to sleep together. How Smug being drunk in bed pissed upon his wife through a Cullender instead of a Chamber pot. LAbouring at the liquor all day, many times tired Smug far worse than his labour at the forge, as it was often seen by him: but most especially, at this time that I ●a now to speak of: for at this time he had laboured so hard (& no body blame him) for he cast not from morning till night 't his legs were not able to bear him to bed: but what he could not do himself for himself, the helping hands of some kind neighbours & friends did: in bed they laid him and so left him to get that sleeping that he lost waking. There lay he grunting & groaning like a hog in a sty, turning two & fro, from one side of the bed to the other: for the liquor wrought so within him that he could not sleep as he used to drink (sound) for the life of him. Within half an hour after he had lain thus tumbling & tossing, as if he had lain upon nettles, his wife went to bed to him, to rest her after her (indeed) true labour, but (poor woman) she found less rest there than in her labour: for he kept such a re●ching and stretching himself, such a hunching and punching with his legs & elbows, that she might have lain better at ease between too mad men, then by him in that taking. As he lay thus labouring (laden & over laden) with the liquor he had taken▪ the liquor lay labouring within him for vent: Which, though he could very hardly rise to give it handsomely, yet he did his good will, and reachd out of the bed for a pisspot, but instead of a pisspot, he took a cullender, (that stood close by his bed side upon a settle) & kneeling up right in his bed, let his ill-digested liquor run as freely into it, and through it, upon his (slumbering wife, as a coduite pipe at waste. She presently (feeling herself warm wet) start up, & began to brabble with him, and cry shame upon him for doing such a beastly deed. Why thou whore (qd. Smug wilt thou not give me leave to piss? if thou crosest my humour but with two cross words more, I'll break the pisspot about the pate of thee, therefore be quiet. But for all his threatening she would not hold her tongue that she kept walking still, till Smugs fists walked about her ears. There was such a sore battle in the bed between them as think near was seen between bed fellows before, & had not a ca●dle a●d a clean ●aire of sheets, been● quickly carried up to part them, there would have been great bloodshed. Finis. Tho: Brewer.