JOCABELLA or a Cabinet of Conceits with Poems by RC the Feathered god doth by his mirth betray'st the Fat●ll huswives of olives to play.    

Jocabella, OR A Cabinet of Conceits.  
Whereunto are added Epigrams and other Poems, by R. C.  
— juvat esse jocundum  
atque animum latis exhilarare jocis,  
LONDON, Printed by R. Hodgkinson, for Daniel Frere, and are to be sold at the sign of the red Bull in Little Britain. 1640.   

To his much respected friend Mr. JOHN WILD.  
Sir,  
BY your favour I am come to make good a promise which in this dedication is partly (though weakly) performed: your sweet respects did embolden me to make it, and now an assurance of your kind acceptance hath (as I may term it) made me presumptuous to perform it: you shall meet here with a bundle of merry conceits, which, while they were in myself, were my own Recreations; but are now exposed at all adventures to be the mirth of others. For the reader's part, I hope he is gentle, and will make a charitable construction of a thing intended only for Recreation: and for yours, if it may find a fair entertainment, it will make me ambitious (if occasion be) to be your servant in some other business of a greater consequence. In the mean time be pleased, good Sir, to accept of this as an expression of his love that while he breaths will study to be  
Your friendly Servant, Robert Chamberlain.   

To the Reader.  
GEntle Reader, I here present thee with the producements of some vaporing hours purposely intended to promote harmlesses mirth. I wish thee as merry in the reading, as I and some other of my friends were in speaking of them: do but laugh at them, and I am satisfied, for to that (and no other purpose) they were intended.  
Farewell.   

JOCABELLA, OR A Cabinet of Conceits.  

1  
ONE asked how it came that Apothecaries were, many of them, so extremely rich. It was answered, they did trade with Simples; and after composition, sold them in Latin to those that understood it not.   

2  
One asked why Soldiers did love beef more than any other meat. It was answered because it was now and then powdered.   

3  
One seeing a man that had a holiday face, bid him take heed of coming before a Judge for suspicion of murder for, said he, Thy very face will hang thee, it is so bloody.   

4  
One told a red-nos'd-Gentleman that he was a coward all over, except his nose, being asked why; answered his nose was good mettle because is was Copper.   

5  
One asked a citty-Sergeant what spice he loved best, who answered Mace.   

6  
A yellow bearded man coming into a barber's shop, set himself down in a chair, saying, sirrah come give my carrot a turnup.   

7  
One asked whence the word tumult was derived, and was answered that it came from tu multùm dormis & saepe potas; another standing by said it rather came from tú multùm potas & rarò dormis.   

8  
A soldier wooing a gentlewoman, pleaded that he had undertaken brave things, and had been ancient twenty years ago: the gentlewoman minding to put him off took the advantage of that word, would not endure him to speak a word more, but told him she was no antiquary neither durst meddle with things that were ancient so long ago.   

9  
A Gentleman wearing one of the new fashioned coats without sleeves or cape, was asked what he did mean to wear a petticoat about his shoulders? no said the Gentleman it is a little coat; why sir replied the other, I hope every little coat is a petticoat.   

10  
One told a man that was troubled with rheum, that he must forbear claret wine; who answered if he did forbear claret wine he should not live long; the other told him again, that if he did not, it would make him blind▪ 'tis no matter said he, 'tis better the windows be shut then the whole house fall.   

11  
One said of all trades that of a Butcher was most strange, for he got more by dead commodities then any thing else.   

12  
One telling his friend a secret, desired him to keep it close; close! said he, I will be as close as a rich man's door at dinner time.   

13  
Two Gentlemen peeping through a keyhole into a chamber, saw somebody at prayers, but could not well discern whether it was a man or woman; the one said it was a Gentleman, the other said it was rather a Gentlewoman, for he did not think any Gentleman would offer it.   

14  
A Gentleman passing the street in a great shower, was met by a water-bearer, who with his tankard on his back, went close to the wall; the Gentleman thrusting him away, told him he did not think he would have grudged to have born water, being he got his living by it.   

15  
A Gentleman wearing a hat like a close-stoole-pan on his head, came to a promoter to move a suit, to him formerly propounded; saying, sir if you would do me this favour, you might ease me of a great trouble: he answered (as his occasions prompted him) there's a thing on your head would ease me of a greater.   

16  
A fellow that had lost a great part of his estate by gaming, adventured once to wear an old monmouth cap on his head to see if his chance might be better; and so it happened, for he seldom lost if he wore that cap, which occasioned him to call it ever after, his cap of maintenance.   

17  
Two Gentlemen passing through Cheapside, one of them taking special notice of the golden Cross, said it might very well be accounted one of the wonders of the world; the other answered, o by no means sir, the crosses of this world are no wonders.   

18  
Two passing through Newgate, one of them asked why the women in Newgate did beg singing? the other answered that Newgate was a cage only for canary birds.   

19  
One asked whether a horse of an ass were the more worthy creature? it was answered, a horse: o by no means said he, an ass may be a constable of a hundred, and so cannot a horse.   

20  
One spit in another's face, which was taken very ill; but he that did it excused it, saying, pray sir be not angry, if you please I'll tread it out.   

21  
One said a jest was like a Venice glass, spoiled if any poison were in it▪ o no said another, the glass is spoiled if poison be in it, because it will instantly break, but a jest was ne'er good till it was broken.   

22  
A Poet told a Player that slighted him, that although he was now a Gentleman, yet he had seen him act a beggar.   

23  
A child coming from School, his mother called him and bid him show her where his lesson was; the boy presently turns to it, saying here it is mother, at (peace and quietness) why yet whoreson blockhead said she, this was your lesson the last week, do you think I'll give my money for nothing: blame him not, said his father, though he be so long in that lesson, for I have been teaching of it to you this seven years, and yet you are not perfect: o sir (quoth she) that was because I had a fool to my tutor.   

24  
A Gentlewoman walking the streets with eleven silver laces on her petticoat, one that stood by with his friend mistaking the number, said look there goes a woman with a jury of laces at her tail: she overhearing him answered, sir you are mistaken, I have but eleven; if your nose were there it would make a full jury.   

25  
A Gentlewoman playing at post and pair with a Gentleman, chanced to win a stake with a pair of knaves; quoth the Gentleman, what are you but a pair? no sir quoth she, but if you had had them, there had been pair-royall.   

26  
A merry fellow taking oars at Westminster, desired to be landed at Temple stairs; whither being come, and the water being very low, they were forced to land him in the mud; who went away and would not pay them their fare because he bade them land him at Temple stairs and they had landed him at Puddle wharf.   

27  
One said that silence and peace were both necessary and commendable in all games: I deny that, quoth another, for at Tennis 'tis necessary to keep a racket.   

28  
One being committed to Newgate upon a Christmas eve told the Justice his dream was come to pass, for (said he) I dreamt I should keep a great house all this Christmas.   

29  
One said that of all men in the world he would not have a glutton to speak for him, because he was meal-mouthed, meaning a man whose mouth was good for nothing but his meals.   

30  
A Gentlewoman standing in her Belcony to see and be seen, perceiving a fellow gazing at her, began to withdraw: he cried out to her saying, what, does the sun offend you Lady? yes said she, the son of thy mother does.   

31  
One that had had a long time a sore nose was met by a friend, and asked how his nose did? who answered it had been very ill, but now was current: the other replied that to his thinking it was always current, for he never saw it but it was running.   

32  
One that was troubled with sore eyes was jeered by another for being clear-eyed; who answered they were not so sore but he could see a knave with them: the other replied, it may be, but you must look in a glass then.   

33  
A Gentleman presenting a compliment to his friend, desired he would be pleased to admit his heart into his service: who answered he would, if he would first let him see it, that he might know his servant from another.   

34  
One said he thought the wind had been a Crier of a Court, for when he made an oyes, both men and houses stood uncovered.   

35  
One telling a story of a fearful dream that he had lately had, which was, that he had been in Hell, and had been there grievously tormented: one standing by, asked him how he came to awake out of such a fearful dream? who answered there was such rapping and knocking at Hell-gates by reason of the often coming, that he could not sleep any longer.   

36  
One ask why women were so desirous to make themselves show ugly by wearing of black bags, was answered that while they did wear hats and feathers (which was a fine comely fashion) men did then but only love them, but they did now wear black bags to make men live in fear of them.   

37  
One said he wondered much being there was Newgate for thiefs, Bridewell for whores, and Bedlam for mad people; that there was not some such house provided for fools: another overhearing him, said Sir, I would feign hear you once motion a thing that were for the common good, but you always speak for yourself, which is not well.   

38  
One being asked whether such a man was wise or no? answered he was wise with a distinction, that was, otherwise.   

39  
One being asked what part of speech a whore was? answered she was a verb-common, and required a dative case; and a Roarer was an adverb of swearing, which was commonly joined to that verb.   

40  
A woman swore she was as chaste as the moon: one standing by objected, as the moon sweet heart! why that is no chastity at all for she hath always a man in the midst of her.   

41  
One speaking of an extraordinary great wind which had done a great deal of hurt, wondered from whence it should come, or what might be the reason of it; was answered that the Spaniards had lately sown a world of pepper which made the earth so extremely to break wind.   

42  
One receiving a blow upon his head while he was eating roast beef, said if a piece of beef had not sticked in his throat that blow had killed him, but that sticking there, his soul could find no passage out, and so returned in again.   

43  
One said his knife spoke french because it had no point.   

44  
A serving man coming to be entertained into a Gentlewoman's service, was asked by the Gentlewoman what wages he would have? who answered three pound a year if she pleased: the Gentlewoman replied nay if I give wages I will look you shall please me.   

45  
A Justice of peace threatening a fellow that was brought before him for stealing, saying sirrah I'll teach you to steal: he replied, I thank your worship, for if I had been well taught I had stolen with more discretion then to have been apprehended by the manor.   

46  
One that had been a great usurer had learned to die scarlet, and was resolved to set up the trade, but was dissuaded by a friend who told him he would never thrive by it, saying he that had lived ill could never die well.   

47  
A poor Scholar walking London streets in the night, (who was going to a rich uncle of his to receive a sum of money) a boy with a link asked if he would have a light? no said the Scholar I fear no thiefs, for I am not going to pay but to receive money: o said the boy you cannot find the way thither without a light yes said the Scholar the lightness of my purse will show me the way thither.   

48  
One seeing a fellow ride along London streets extremely fast, called after him and asked him what play was that day to be played at the red Bull? who stopping his horse, told him he was an ass to ask him such a question, being it was a question every post could tell him; the other cried him mercy, telling him he took him for a post because he rid so fast.   

49  
A great glutton said he had lost his stomach and could not eat any meat whatsoever: one that knew him overhearing him, said pray heavens no poor man find it, for if he do it will undo him.   

50  
A fellow that was conceived to be a cuckold being in a tavern with an old cook, and sitting at a table, one on the one side of the table, and the other on the other side; he that was conceived to be the cuckold, minding to put a trick upon the other, asked what difference there was betwixt a cook and a cuckold? the other answered, the table.   

51  
One that had the disposing of a great place was solicited by a stranger for the place, the Gentleman that had the disposure of th● place asked the stranger whether he had a note under the hand of some eminent person that might testify his good behaviour? who answered, no: then said the Gentleman I must be excused, for it is a place of consequence, and if I should put a man of no note into it, I should be chid.   

52  
One asked why a cuckold was said to wear horns? it was answered because his wife was a beast: why (replied the other) should not the wife wear them? then it was answered, no; because the husband was the head.   

53  
A gentleman chid his daughter for wearing a cloth of goldwast coat, saying she was a pretty jewel; his daughter answered, a jewel (father) never shows better than when it is set in gold.   

54  
A Gentleman who had been called knave by a witty fellow, by chance meeting the fellow, asked him whether he was a knave or no? the fellow answering, told him, if I should say no, I should be very unmannerly with you Sir; why unmannerly, said the other? why then, said he, I should give a Gentleman the lie, which I would be very loath to do.   

55  
One asked whence th● word senecta was derived it was answered, that it's Eti●mon was from se and neco and its Anagram was se necat.   

56  
One whose name was John Wheeler, was asked how he writ his name? who answered in this manner, 
Foemina quae versa est in vaccam, poena dolentis  
Occipitis, bipes littera quarta venit:  
— sed pro cognomine semper  
Est rota, sic vaceam stat canis usque latrans.   
Wherein is Hirogliphically expressed, John Wheeler.   

57  
One told a ragged fellow that he was rich in rents, and asked him whether they were rents of Assize, or no? who answered that he had one of so big a size, that an ass might thrust in his nose.   

58  
A fair Lady being at the Assizes in the Country, and seeing the Sheriff, who was a fine young Gallant, wait upon the Judge, who was an old man; was asked whether she would rather marry the Judge or the Sheriff? the Sheriff said she: why so, said her friend? I love judgement well, said she, but execution a great deal better.   

59  
One asked why Citizens wives were so affected with wearing of hats? it was answered, because they did love to be covered.   

60  
One said a fart was a cunning fencer; being asked why? answered, because it aimed at the heels, but would always hit the nose.   

61  
One being asked why younger brothers most commonly were wiser than the eldest brother? answered, that the father knew better what did belong to the getting of them, then of the eldest.   

62  
One disputing that omne leve tendit sursum; said it could not hold, for a whore tendere deorsum.   

63  
One minding to rail at a fellow that had lost his ears, was found railing at the pillory as if it had been the man himself: but being asked why he did not go and speak to his face? answered, to what purpose? being that his ears are here.   

64  
One ask a mad fellow what his name was, had a box on the ear given him; and ask what the cause was? was answered, that it was a trick of a knave to question a man's good name.   

65  
A gentleman having brought his friend down into his cellar, his friend observing there was no place in the cellar whereon to sit, asked why there were not seats in the cellar? the Gentleman answered, I allow every man that comes here, to stay and drink as long as he can stand, and no longer.   

66  
One whose name was Cornelius, being to declaim before his Tutor (by reason of bashfulness) when he was to begin, was not able to speak; whereupon said his Tutor, diu expectavi Cornelium & ●nveni Tacitum.   

67  
One coming to a friends house, was made to drink: the master of the house minding to compliment with his friend, said the beer was dead; dead! said the man; it may very well be dead now, for it was very weak when I was here last.   

68  
Some Scholars in an University grumbling because another was undeservedly made a master of Arts; one of them said, it is no great wonder Gentlemen, for you know we say omnis creatio fit ex nihilo.   

69  
A Gentleman going to take horse was observed to have but one spur; and being asked the reason? answered, that if he could make one side of the horse go, he made no question but the other side would go along with it.   

70  
One observing a young fellow to be too talkative, said vir sapit qui pauca loquitur; who overhearing him, answered, it is true Sir, but in you it is vir loquitur qui pauca sapit.   

71  
An earnest contestation being held betwixt an Engraver and a Sexton, whether might be the better man; the Engraver told him that he was a far better man, for his work was in brass, but the others in dirt; whereupon the Sexton answered, there was no such difference, for, said he, though you engrave a man never so well, yet in the end I shall be desired to do it over again.   

72  
An executioner erecting a pillory at his own charges, expected a sum of money for every man that should stand in it; but being told by the Sheriff that he might not expect any such thing, and that (besides) there was a man to stand in it and lose his ears the very same day; he presently swore if he saw him stand there and not pay him for it, he would have him by the ears.   

73  
One said it was the most dangerous thing in the world to commit a secret to a woman: being asked why? answered, that it was impossible they should keep other people's secrets close, that could never keep their own.   

74  
Another was of opinion that a woman's breast was the only safe place to keep a secret of consequence in; because, said he, there is no wise man will ever look for it in such an open place.   

75  
A gentleman that had been a traveller, being in a place where there was a Gentlewoman that told him she had travelled as far as he; said, Lady if this be true, you and I may lie together by authority.   

76  
One ask what a cuckold was good for? was answered, to stand in a great hall, to hang cloaks, hats and belts on.   

77  
A company of neighbours being together with their wives, one of them reporting an untruth, was upheld in it by one of the women; whereupon the husband of that woman began to chide his wife for lying with another man before his face.   

78  
One seeing his neighbour newly come out of a barber's shop with his beard turned up into his nose, asked him why he did turn an excrement into his nose? the other answered, he would rather a thousand times have an excrement hang in his nose then in his teeth   

79  
A soldier that had lost one of his arms in the wars, came to a Gentleman's door and desired relief for a poor Gentleman that had lost one of his arms in the wars; one standing by told him that he that could not show arms was no Gentleman.   

80  
One asked whether a woman could lose her maidenhead, yet never marry nor think an unchaste thought? it was answered yes; for her head might be cut off while she was a maid, and then her maiden head was gone.   

81  
One that was troubled with a cursed wife, came to a justice to have his wife bound to the peace; the justice told him it were better to bind her to her good behaviour, because all bonds were void where the condition was impossible.   

82  
One was telling of a purchaser that was jealous and fearful that he should shortly sustain a great loss: one overhearing answered, pish (said he) there is nothing in the world frights a purchaser but a prophecy of a general inundation.   

83  
A Schoolmaster upon a bitter cold day, seing one of his Scholars extremely benu'md, asked what was the latin for cold? he answered, o sir I have that at my finger's ends.   

84  
A Player acting upon a stage a man killed; but being troubled with an extreme cold as he was lying upon the stage fell a coughing; the people laughing, he rushed up and ran off the stage, saying thus it is for a man to drink in his porridg, for than he will be sure to cough in his grave.   

85  
A Gentlewoman sending one of her men to bid certain persons of greatquality to dinner, her man returning told her he had commanded all the Gentlemen to come to dinner: out you rascal, said she, I commanded you to bid them: why mistress, quoth he, have you been in the imperative so long and do not yet know that to bid and command is all one.   

86  
A Gentleman living near Temple-bar, sent his man to the Rose-tavern for a pottle of  sack; his man returning with the sack, which was very hot, desired his master to taste it; his master burning his lip, asked his man whence it came? who answered, from the Rose: I rather think, said he, it came from the devil, it is so raging hot.   

87  
A precise fellow standing at the Popes-head tavern door, began to rail at the Pope; a drawer overhearing, desired him at that time to forbear the Pope; why, said he? because quoth the drawer, he hath at this time a great deal of wine in his head.   

88  
One seeing a fellow at dinner that he did not love, wished every morsel was steeped in aqua fortis; the fellow not understanding latin, asked what the english of it was? who was told it was strong water: o said the fellow, I knew he did always love me.   

89  
A Gentleman meeting the watch, asked his friend that was with him, what all those woodcocks did together? the watch hearing him, apprehended him and carried him before a Magistrate: who being asked why he did put that term upon the watch? answered that he saw so many bills that he took them for a flight of woodcocks.   

91  
A mad profane fellow being brought into a Court for a witness, the book being laid before him, put it back, telling them there was ne'er an oath in England but he had it without book.   

92  
A Pirate being taken by the English fleet, and kept in chains a month, at the last made an escape, and landing in a place where he had some friends, was asked where he had spent his time all that while, and extremely chid for following that course of piracy, he swore there was no such matter; for he had all that time been a prisoner in the fleet.   

93  
A couple of gentlemen crossing the Thames from Temple stairs into Southwark, a great storm risen upon a sudden, insomuch that the water flashed over into the boat; but being landed, one of the Gentlemen swore he began to stink for fear; no marvel, said the other, for the boat hath bepissed itself for fear.   

94  
A waggish Gentleman asked a woman whether she was a maid or no? she told him yes: take heed of lying, said he, for it is lost with lying; whereupon she answered no.   

95  
A woman desiring money of her husband, was told by him that she should not get a penny from him without law: whereupon she replied, she would ask him no more; and for recovering of it by law, she would sue his purse to an execution and he should never know it.   

96  
A country fellow seeing a mathematician taking the height of a star with his jacob's staff, and observing a supposed star to fall, swore the mathematician had killed the star, for he saw it fall.   

97  
A fellow that could not endure onions being sentenced to be hanged, desired the Judge that he might be hanged in a rope of onions: being demanded why?? answered, than the devil would not come near him.   

98  
A whore complaining that she had an extreme cold in her head, and that she had got it by taking a cold in her feet; was told that she was like the year in one of the temperate zones, cold at both ends and horn the middle.   

99  
A Gentleman wearing a fancy in his hat, wherein there was green and yellow ribbon, was asked whose colours he wore? he answered, his mistresses: why then, said another, it seems your mistress is troubled both with the green sickness and yellow jaundice.   

100  
A Constable being drunk fell in the street, and there lay, not able to rise; but observing people to laugh at him, charged them in the King's name to aid him; whereupon two or three mad fellows took him up and at the command of a Justice put him in the stocks; the Constable, when he was in the stocks (not knowing where he was) swore if they had not aided him he would have set them all by the heels.   

101  
Two Gentlemen riding by Tyburn-gallowes, said one of them, methinks the gallows looks somewhat poorly, I think it is long since there was an execution; alas, said the other, there is no hope that it can thrive, it hath so many hangers on.   

102  
One said, that of all prisons in the world, if he must needs go to one, he would choose to go to Ludgate; because none came there but they had their freedom.   

103  
A gentleman whose surname was Bridgman, being born in London, being asked what Countryman he was? answered, of no Country at all, he was a London-Bridg-man.   

104  
One whose surname was Ell●t, being buried, his executor ●●nt for the Sexton, and asked him what he was to have for making the grave? five shillings, said the Sexton; how, said the executor, five shillings? there's ne'er a Tailor in the Town but would have made an Ellet hole for a penny.   

105  
An old usurer being extremely sick sent for a Physician, who upon the view of his urine, told his friends there was little hope of life, for his ljver was so ill it would shortly be his death: and is that the only cause? said one of them: yes, said the Physician: why then, said he, the saying is true, qualis vita finis ita.   

106  
When the Eclipse was last upon the Sun, a company of people gazing at it, wondered what the Eclipse should be; a Gentleman in the company told them that once in three or four years the Sun did burn dim for want of snuffing, and that Phoebus was then snuffing it; and that was the cause of the darkness.   

107  
A Blacksmith falling into shoemaker's company, was asked by them what he did there, not being of their profession? who answered that he was a shoemaker as well as the best of them: how, said one of them, you a shoemaker? how many shoes have you made, pray? the Blacksmith answered, where you make one pair I make two.   

108  
One was saying that he had always observed that whoremasters were usually the most plausible and fair conditioned men that were, when they were in men's company: another answering, said it was very true; for there was no whoremaster but did love an honest man with all his heart, but could not endure an honest woman.   

109  
A Chimney-sweeper coming into an Alehouse where was a Gentleman in black, the Gentleman minding to jeer him, asked when he did wash his face? the Chimney-sweeper having a glass of beer in his hand, told him, Sir if you wer● not one of my own coat I would wash you presently.   

110  
One said that of all cuckolds a Huntsman-cuckold was the most patiented, for he wears the horn, and makes himself sport with it.   

111  
A fellow being set in the stocks, said he was left in a wood, where he could see over and under and through the wood, but knew not for his heart how to get out of the wood.   

112  
A Scholar in his disputations said H non est litera; another sitting by whose name was Hill said it would go very ill with his name then.   

113  
One having a sullen wife which much troubled him, asked her how she did? how, quoth she, neither sick nor well: whereupon he turned her out at doors; and being examined why? said that he was bound to cherish her, but either in sickness or in health.   

114  
A Gentleman observing a poor woman extremely tired with a pail of grains, insomuch that she sunk down under the burden, said she was an idle slut, because she was too light by all those grains.   

115  
A Gentleman going by water, his cloak hung over the boat in the water; one passing by in another boat, said, Sir your cloak burns; he turning about, answered, therefore I put it into the water.   

116  
A Gentleman having his house uncovered in a windy night, and the next morning being in discourse of it, said that in all his time he never saw the like; why, did you ever see the wind, said another? yes marry have I, said he; pray what is it like? said the other: it was like, said he, to have blown down my house.   

117  
A Welshman being at the Assizes, and seeing the prisoners hold up their hands at the bar; coming home, told one of his acquaintance that he had been at a place where he saw ferry good fortune tellers; for (quoth he) do but hold up her hand and they was tell her presently whether her shall live or die.   

118  
A Country fellow that had a mighty great beard, spying a gentleman of his acquaintance, and observing him to pass by and not to take notice of him, ran to him, and taxed him for unkindness: whereupon the Gentleman excused himself, saying, thou standest continually behind such a great beard that a man cannot see thee.   

119  
A servingman wanting money, and remembering his cloak was trimmed round with a silver lace, rips off the lace, turns it into coin, turns the coin into wine, & the wine into his guts: within a day or two after, it happened the same cloak was stolen; whereupon one of his fellows said they were bold thiefs that would steal a cloak so well guarded: he answered, the guard was drunk, else they could ne'er have done it.   

120  
It was demanded why that Latin sentence was true, rara est in tenui facundia panno; it was answered, when a man hath a thread bare coat, his wits are a woolgathering.   

121  
A Scholar espying the picture of St. Peter with the keys, and another of St. John, who is usually done in long hair; began to wonder in these words; what a prepostorous painter was this! what should St. Peter do with the keys, when St. John carries away the locks.   

122  
A Gentleman meeting a stage player in a sickness time, who had formerly played women's parts; told him he was grown grave, and that he began to have a beard; the other answered, while the grass grows the horse did starve; meaning, because there was then no playing, and therefore he did let his beard grow.   

123  
A Scholar in the University being punished xs came into the buttery and made it x ᵃ; being asked how he durst do it? replied, it is not orthography; post x non scribitur s.   

124  
A Gentleman having a large hand, being at supper with a shoulder of mutton, having also with him a witty companion that had played very much upon him, swore, by this hand I will be revenged; the other replied that he had sworn a greater oath then if he had sworn by the shoulder of mutton.   

125  
A Gentleman being accused for lying with another man's wife, denied it, saying, I never lay with her, but (I confess) I kissed her.   

126  
A Citizen being made cuckold by one of his neighbours, brings his action against the party, and lays his clausum fregit, domum intravit, etc. the business coming to a trial, the Jury bring in a verdict for the plaintiff and a mark damage: at which the Judge in merriment replied, here's an honest man is content to enter himself a cuckold upon record, and you give him but a mark damages? I would you were all so marked, and then you would better consider of it.   

127  
A wit out of means meeting an usurer, entreated him to lend him five pounds: the usurer answered, Sir I know you not; the other replied, therefore I ask you; for they that know me will not lend me five shillings.   

128  
One told his friend if he would be pleased to go with him, he would bring him to a place where they should have wenches and lobsters by the belly.   

129  
A Bible-Clark in the University being reproved by the Head of the house for giving short psalms; next time he was to give out the psalm, rises, saying, sing quicunque vult, and so goes out of the chapel.   

130  
A poor country fellow in a black threadbare suit, thought it some policy to beg near an University, thinking thereby to be taken for a poor Scholar; and on a time using the phrase of pray Sir remember a poor Scholar, a Gentleman threw him a shilling, and asked him de quo fuit Collegio? which he understood not; whereupon the gentleman asked him, didst thou not tell me thou wast a Scholar? Sir I told you I was a poor one.   

131  
A Gentleman being at supper, where amongst other company, there was a lass newly married, which formerly had an ill report; mean time, a health going about in a soldered glass, the Gentleman, when the glass came to his hand, took an occasion to say though this glass be mended, yet the blemish remains; the lass taking exceptions, said, Sir I think it is as sound as yourself: whereupon he answered, cry you mercy mistress, it was but a letter mistaken.   

132  
A Gentleman coming into a friend's house, was brought up into a fair large dining room; his dog coming up with him happened to foul the room; which when the mistress of the house espied, she was very angry, and told the Gentleman he should have brought him up better: the Gentleman replied, he brought him up well enough if he could but have behaved himself well while he was up.   

133  
One bidding his cobbler to put him some nails in his shoes that they might last the longer; o by no means, said the cobbler, if you will have your shoes to last your life, never put nails in them.   

413  
One asked who was the first noted rich man? it was answered, Abraham: another replied, and that, I think, is the reason why many rich men have been abraham's ever since.   

135  
One seeing a man that had his beard beginning to come under his chin, said it was like a demicaster, because it was rough under.   

136  
One that had stole a watch was pursued by the Constables; who escaping them, was afterward met by the owner, and taken with the watch in his pocket: whereupon he said that he had very ill luck to escape the Constables and be taken with the watch.   

137  
A gentlewoman seeing a man have a red face, said his face was disparkt, because there was no pale in it: the man answered, though there was no pale, yet there was a great devil of red dear in it, meaning dear red.   

138  
One seeing a man have a red nose, said, Sir your eyes are not matches; I know they are not, said he, for if they were, my nose had set them on fire by this time.   

139  
One asked why men did use now adays to wear holland bands and cambric boot-hose tops? it was answered, it was a fashion brought from the Antipodes, and none but Antipodian Gentlemen did use it.   

130  
One asked why whores were said to be light? it was answered, that many hands made light work.   

141  
A Gentleman complained to one of his neighbours that his maid was begot with child by one of his serving-men; whereupon his neighbour asked him whether he himself was not a little guilty of it? who answered he did not know of it, but was asleep in his bed when it was done: the other replied, it seems you did wink at the fact, which was as bad as if you had done it yourself.   

142  
One asked a Gentlewoman why she so much delighted to ride with Gentlemen in a coach? who answered, because she did love to be shaken.   

143  
One said he was very sorry such a venison pasty was eaten, and said that he could find in his heart to write an epitaph upon it; another answered, he must then put up his epitaph in the house of office, for there it was buried.   

144  
One said to his friend, take not tobacco in that pipe for it is foul; foul! said his friend, it is dead then, for otherwise it would fly away.   

145  
One asked how old another was? he answered, three and threescore: and why not threescore and three, said he? he answered, because I was three before I was threescore.   

146  
Two conspired together, whereof one was a Goldsmith to steal a silver-bole, intending to share the business betwixt them; which when they had stolen, he that was the Goldsmith; because it should not be known did gild it over: it was sentenced when the matter came to scanning, though the other stole it, yet the gilt of the fact lay upon the Goldsmith.   

147  
One coming by a Sexton (who was making a grave for one Button which was a great tall fellow) asked him for whom that extraordinary long grave was? he answered he had made many longer than that, and said it was but a button-hole in respect of some graves that he had made.   

148  
One said a barber was an active man, for if he did once take out his wooden comb he would box a man about the ears and the man scarce feel it.   

149  
One said a cook of all men had the worst digestion, for as soon as he had eaten his meat he would be sure to spit his meat up again.   

150  
A great tall fellow whose name was Way, lay along the street drunk: one went over him, and being asked why he did so? he answered, he did but go along the highway.   

151  
A Gentleman (that was used to send his letters by a foot-post that was an old phlegmatic rotten fellow) complained that he suffered much prejudice because his letters came too late to his friends hands: another standing by told him it was his own fault, because he did send them by a rotten post.   

152  
One was saying he wondered why the people in Aethiopia did not write strait along, as we Northern people: one answered, they writ under the line; and that was the reason of it.   

153  
A Dyer who was an idle drunken fellow, was complaining to a Scholar that he had very ill fortune in his business, and that commonly those things that he undertook to die were spoiled: the Scholar told him that the only way to have this amended, was to reform himself, for he that lived ill could never die well.   

54  
One whose name was Church was telling some of his neighbours that his wife was with child, and that he never in his life saw any woman so big before; besides, told them that he feared she would die on childbed: whereupon one of them comforted him, saying that there was no cause to fear her death; and for her bigness, that was no wonder, in regard she had a Church in her belly.   

155  
A certain man was mightily affected with a woman whose name was Wall, which did use painting very much, his friends did dissuade him from coming near her, telling him they did wonder he was so besotted to set his affections upon a painted wall.   

157  
One whose name was Milld being in a tavern, took out a new coined sixpence; who observing the company to take notice of the brightness of the piece, told them it was a milld sixpence.   

158  
One asked what the reason was that some women were so light heeled now adays? it was answered, because they did wear cork-heeled shoes.   

159  
One having a Playbook called the Wits, which he much valued, by chance lost it: but while he was chafing and swearing about the loss of his book in comes one of his friends, who ask the cause of his distemper? it was answered that he had lost his wits.   

160  
One stood to prove that a Brewer's horse was a tapster, because he did draw beer: another answered him, it could not be; because though a brewer's horse (if he were overladen) would froth, yet he could not nick.   

161  
One reading of a Coranto, said he wondered that men did so affect to lie in paper, and yet without sheets.   

162  
One asked what herb that was that cured all diseases? it was answered, Time.   

163  
One being about to write the superscription of a letter to his mistress, asked a Scholar what terms were best to give her? who told him the Venus lass of his affections was a good word; he mistaking, writ to the Venice glass of his affections; which was a truer title than he was ware of.   

164  
An Upholster was chiding his apprentice because he was not nimble enough at his work and had not his nails and hammer in readiness when he should use them; telling him that when he was an apprentice he was taught to have his nails at his finger's ends.   

165  
One whose name was Rapier being a man of a grave calling, yet using to wear a white suit, was chid for not getting a black scabbard to his rapier.   

166  
One asked what that young man deserved that did love always to be in a Playhouse? it was answered, a box.   

167  
One being at a friends house in the night, was persuaded to stay all night; but denied, saying he would be gone because it was moonlight: his friend told him he thought he had not been so lunatic as to love to walk in the moonlight.   

168  
One wondered why there were so many pickpockets about the streets, notwithstanding a watch was at every corner! it was answered, that was all one, for a pickpocket would as gladly meet with a watch as any thing else.   

169  
Certain Gossips discoursing of the company their husbands kept; troth, says one, my husband is no sooner out of doors, but he has as many about him as there is to see the great beast with two pair of horns.   

170  
A company of Country fellows disputing of learning, and what a crooked, hard, and intricat thing it was to be a good Scholar: truly, says one, and so it is, for I have heard your best latin is in crooked lane.   

171  
A young lascivious Gallant wanting money, could not with his credit sell any thing: yet, his father being but lately dead, at length was checked by some of his friends for his lose and extravagant life; and withal, told that he had base and beastly associates that did draw him to ill houses: he taking this opportunity, answered, truly friends your counsel is very good, I will presently go sell my coach and horses.   

172  
A steward being set on by a thief, who commanded him to de●iver, he being a receiver: the steward replied, I hope you will spare me, I being a receiver also: you shall be, said the thief, if you deliver not the sooner.   

173  
One sitting at dinner where great store of rude mirth was discoursed and laughed at; a prattling youth clapped him on the shoulder, and asked him if he was making verse, he was so mute? (who replied, he was) speak them, quoth he: no, replied the other: why you cannot speak them in better company: I suppose so, quoth the modest man, but two fools at once will be too troublesome.   

174  
A Gentleman going along the street, was entreated by a poor cripple that had wooden legs, to bestow his charity: to whom the Gentleman answered, if he would make a handsome leg he should have a couple of farthings.   

175  
A company of Gentlemen coming into a tavern whose sign was the Moon, called for a quart of sack? the drawer told them, they had none: whereat the Gentlemen wondering, were told by the drawer that the man in the Moon always drunk claret.   

176  
One that was skilled in writing short hand, promised a Lawyer's Clerk to teach him his skill: who thanked him for his pains; but told him they could not live by making short hand of any thing.   

177  
One said a Civet-cat was a dainty thing to keep in a house because her dung was sweet: another said it was true; but yet it was more profitable to keep a cook, especially in a dear year, because he spitted roast.   

178  
A woman having married an old man whose name was Edward (whom she thought had been very rich, but not worth a penny) being asked what she had by her marriage? answered, an old Edward.   

179  
A Gentleman coming in the night to visit an old man who had a handsome wench to his wife, and suspected to be a little too light, was entreated by the old man to walk into a room; his wife having a candle in her hand, entreated the Gentleman to follow her; who told her, he would have her husband (because he was an old man) to follow the light.   

180  
Two Gentlemen were in a deep dispute whether the man in the Moon was a Gentleman or a Citizen? it was determined by a Scholar, that when she was at full, there was a Gentleman in her; but when she appeared like a horn, there was a Citizen in her.   

181  
A Gentleman in wants was advised by his friend to serve a Nobleman, that so he might raise his fortune: that was, said he, to refuse a lesser poverty for a greater; for although I am poor, yet I have myself, there I shall not.   

182  
A Book-binder disappointing a Scholar of his books which he had to bind for him, the Scholar being angry, called him idle knave: the Hinder not long after, brought home his books; and having received his money for them, desired to know of the Scholar, why he called him knave the other day? to deal plainly with thee, said the Scholar, because I would not flatter thee: why Sir, do you think so, said the Hinder? yes faith, replied the Sholler: then I weigh not your words much, quoth the Hinder, since children and fools speak what they think: I, but they are knaves, said the Scholar, that speak against knowledge: indeed Sir I took you for one of them, and so went his way.   

183  
One said Tailors and Button-makers were happy, for they might get their live, and yet sit still.   

184  
One that married a Candlemakers' widow, that was supposed to be a little too light, was asked why he married her? he answered, because he loved light.   

185  
One said Tobacco-shops of all orher places, were the most dangerous to come into, because there were none ever frequented them, but he smoked for it.   

186  
One whose name was Pippin being in a green suit, chanced on a Christmas day to meet his friend; who told him it was a rare thing to see a green pippin on Christmas day.   

187  
One said Glover's in the Country got their livings most by cutting purses, and yet they were never punished for it.   

188  
A pretty wench but lately come out of the Country in her pouledavis and linsi-woolsy petticoats, living in the strand, was seen not long after in her silks and satins; and being by one of her Country-women demanded how such might be purchased? faith, answered she, only for the taking up.   

189  
A Cittixen going out of town with some of his neighbours to hunt; prithee sweetheart, says he to his wife, pray that I meet not a Diana, and so come home like to Actaeon, horned, or be torn to pieces with the dogs: his wife thinking he had closely jeered her, and thinking to be revenged; said, truly husband whether you meet Diana or no, I'll take order you shall not want.   

190  
Certain Gallants being at a Tavern where they spared no liquor, insomuch that all were well entered, but one whose stomach was somewhat weaker, and therefore lighter, did nothing but spew; and calling for a reckoning? why, says one of his friends, cannot you tell, that have so often cast up what you have drunk.   

191  
A Gentleman meeting of a married Soldier newly come from the wars, demanded what charge he underwent? the Soldier replied, a Captains: truly, answered the Gentleman, than you may help your wife to an Ancients place, for she can bear stoutly.   

192  
A fellow going down Ludgate Hill, his heels by chance slipping from him, fell upon his breech: one standing by told him that London-stones were stout and scornful; it may be so, quoth he, yet I made them to kiss my breech as stout as they were.   

193  
A Coward told his friend that one gave him a box on the ear, and he did not strike him again, but turned the other also to him: to which his friend answered, sure there was a great fight betwixt you, when blows were given on both sides.   

194  
One asked why Prentices were so brief with their clubs when Gentlemen were falling out or quarrelling in the streets? one replied, it was their opportunity to be revenged on them for meddling with their mistresses.   

195  
One asked a Gentlewoman in which part of the house she did use to lie? it was answered, that she lay backwards, and did let out her fore-rooms.   

196  
A shoemaker sent his man unto a Gentleman who had owed him money a long time for boots and shoes that had formerly been made for him: the servant coming to the Gentleman, told him his master would entreat him to send that little money which was due to him as aforesaid? whereat the Gentleman (rather willing to cavil then pay) in a great rage answered, Thou rogue, what doth thy master think I am running away, that he sends after me for such a trifle as this is? no Sir, replied the servant, my master doth not think you are about to run away, but he is; and that makes him so earnest with you and others that he might take his money along with him.   

197  
A hangman being sued in a Court, and perceiving the business was like to go against him, desired the Court to be merciful, because he was a poor man: the Attorney that was on the other side, told the Court that there was no cause for him to plead poverty; being he was a man that had money at use, and that besides, his place was worth forty pound a year: whereto the hangman replied, it was not true, for, said he, you shall have it for twenty.   

198  
A stammering fellow being brought before a Justice for some misdemeanour, was telling the Justice of one that had abused him; saying that he was as arrant a knave as his worship— ever knew: whereupon the Justice offended with the stammering fellow, asked what trade he was? who answered, a joiner: whereupon the Justice replied, pray join your words a little better together, or I'll set you by the heels.   

199  
One being at a supper where he was promised a venison pasty, which proved a mutton one; said, this venison? this is wise venison: whereupon said his friend, no, it is but venison wise.   

200  
One being asked whether prose or verse was the best kind of writing? answered, prose next verse: which may be taken two ways; that is, prose next to verse, or prose, and next to that, verse.   

201  
An idle Justice of Peace is like the picture of Saint George upon a signpost with his sword drawn to no purpose.   

202  
He that speaks great Gunpowder words may be compared to a deep mouthed Dog, or be said to have a tympany in his tongue.   

203  
A Soldier said he had been in so many battles and had been so battered with bullets that he swore he thought he had a mine of lead in his belly.   

204  
Lovers oaths are like mariners prayers, when once the heat is over, they are not the same men.   

205  
Women are like dead bodies for Surgeons to work upon, because they tell a man his imperfections.   

206  
Musicians may be compared unto Cameleons, because they live by air.   

207  
One said it was a difficult thing to persuade a multitude (especially in a City where they are for the most part strong headed) to any reason.   

208  
One was called fool for ask what Country man a Plough man was, because it is known said one, they were all borne in Hungary.   

209  
One asked a man whether he had swallowed a Doctor of Physics bill, because he spoke such hard words.   

210  
The Philosopher's stone had need turn all metals to Gold, because the study of it turns all a man's gold to other mettle.   

211  
One asked a Poet where his wits were, he answered a woolgathering, the other replied there was no people had more need of it.   

212  
One asked whence choler was descended, one answered that she was the daughter of a great man's Porter begot of a Kitchen wench in the time of a Feast.   

213  
One asked another why he loved woodcoke so extremely, the other answered why not I as well as you, for I am sure you never go abroad but you carry one under your cloak.   

214  
One asked why a Knight took place of a Gentleman, it was answered because they were Knights now a days before they were Gentlemen.   

215  
One said the Midwife's trade of all trades was most commendable, because they lived not by the hurts of other men, as Surgeons do; nor by the falling out of friends as Lawyers do: but by the agreement betwixt party and party.   

216  
One said a good Client was like a study gown, that sits in the cold himself to keep his Lawyer warm.   

217  
One said the fees of a Pander and a puny clerk are much alike, for the pander had but two pence next Morning for making the bed, and that was a penny a sheet.   

218  
A woman was commending a boy's face, pish quoth another give me a man's face, a boy's face is not worth a hair.   

219  
One compared a domineering fellow to a walking Spur, that keeps a great jingling noise but never pricks.   

220  
One said it was unfit a glazier should be a Constable, because he was a common quarrel.   

221  
One said he had received a shee-letter, because saith he it hath a young one in the belly of it.   

222  
One asked the reason why Lawyers Clerks writ such wide lines, another answered it was done to keep the peace, for if the Plaintiff should be in one line and the Defendant in the next line, the lines being too near together they might perhaps fall together by the ears.   

223  
One said he was so tender hearted that he could not find in his heart to kill a Louse, another answered, that it proceeded only from faint heartedness, because he had not the heart to see his own blood.   

224  
One said a rich Widow was like the rubbish of the World, that helps only to stop the breaches of decayed houses.   

225  
A Master spoke in a strain his Servant understood not, whereupon the Servant desired his Master rather to give him blows then such hard words.   

226  
Those that say gallants put all upon their backs abuse them, for they spend a great deal more upon their bellies.   

227  
One said it was a strange fashion that we had in England to receive money with wives and give money for Wenches; It was answered that in ancient time women were good and than men gave money for their Wives, but now like light gold they would not pass without allowance.   

228.  
One persuaded another to marry a Whore because she was rich, telling him that perhaps she might turn, turn said the other she hath been so much worn that she is past turning.   

229  
One put a jest upon his friend, O, said his friend, that I could but see your brains, I would even hug them for this j●st.   

230  
One asked why Sextons did use to wear black, it was answered that in regard of their office thee were to meddle with gravematters and did therefore wear black.   

231  
One seeing another wear a threadbare Cloak, asked him whether his cloak was not sleepy or no, why do you ask said the other, because said he, I think it hath not had a nap this seven years.   

232  
One asked what was the usual food of Citizen's wives, it was answered, though they loved flesh better than fish, yet for temperance sake they would so diet themselves, that at Noon they fed only upon carp, at night on Codshead, and when they went abroad a little place would content them better than any other thing.   

233  
One wondered much what great Scholar this same Finis was, because his name was almost to every Book.   

234  
One asked what he was that had a fine wit in jest, it was answered a fool in earnest.   

235  
One hearing a Usurer say he had been on the pike of Teneriff (which is supposed to be one of the highest Hills in the World) asked him why he had not stayed there, for he was persuaded he would never come so near heaven again,   

236  
A Citizen gins a health to all the Cuckolds in the World, the Gentleman to whom the health was presented seeing him with his cap in his hand, said, what do you mean Sir, pray remember yourself.   

237  
One asked a footboy why he was so affected with linen stockings, he answered because he was troubled with running legs.   

238  
One said to another that his face was like a popish Almanac all holidays because it was full of pimples.   

239  
One said it was a good fashion that was worn now a days, because the Tailors had so contrived it, that there was little or no waste in a whole suit.   

240  
One said a jealous wife was like an Irish trouze always close to a man's tail.   

241  
One said an Apothecary's house must needs be healthful, because the windows, benches, boxes, and almost all the things in the house took physic.   

242  
One said a Physician was natural brother to the worms, because he was engendered out of man's corruption.   

243  
One gave a fellow a box on the ear, the fellow gave him another, what do you mean (said he that gave the first box) I did not lend you a box, I freely gave it you, the other answered, he was a gamester and had been always used to pay the box.   

244  
A Gentleman that bore a spleen to another meets him in the street, gives him a box on the ear, the other not willing to strike again puts it off with a jest ask him whether it was in jest or in earnest, the other answers it was in earnest, I am glad of that said he, for if it had been in jest I should have been very angry, for I do not like such jesting, and so past away from him.   

245  
One that was justly Jealous of his Wife said, prithee leave these courses, for if thou dost not they will ere it belong make me horn-mad.   

246  
One said to a Gentleman that was too full of compliment, pray you Sir do not spend so much wit, if you be so prodigal of it you will ere it belong have none left for yourself.   

247  
There is nothing says one more revengeful than hemp, for if a man once beat it, especially in Bridewell, 'tis a hundred to one but it will be the death of him shortly after.   

248  
He that swears when he loseth his money at gaming, may challenge Hell by way of purchase.   

249  
One asked which were supposed to be the two fruitfullest Acres of ground in the whole Kingdom? It was answered Westminster-Hall, and the old Exchange.   

250  
It was asked why fat men did love their ease so much, because said one, the soul in a fat body lies soft, and is therefore loath to rise.   

251  
One asked why young Barristers used to stick their Chamber windows with letters, because said another it was the first thing that gave the world notice of their worships.   

252  
One having drank a Cup of dead beer, swore that the beer was more than foxed, another demanding his reason (quoth he) because it is dead drunk.   

253  
Usurers live, says one, by the fall of heirs, like Swine by the dropping of Acorns.   

254  
One said a prodigal was like a brush that spent itself to make others go handsome in their .   

255  
One wondered what pleasant kind of oratory the Pillory had in him, that men loved to have their ears nailed to it.   

256  
One said suppose all the women in the world were like patiented grizel, then said another, we might make Christmas-blocks of the Cuckingstooles.   

257  
An Antiquary says, one loves every thing (as Dutchmen do Cheese) for being mouldy and wormeaten.   

258  
One said a Player had an idle employment of it, O you are mistaken said another for his whole life is nothing else but action.   

259  
One asked his friend how he should use Tobacco so that it might do him good, he answered, you must keep a Tobacco shop and sell it, for certainly there is none else find good in it.   

260  
A simple fellow in gay  says one, is like a Cinnamon tree, the bark is of more worth than the body.   

261  
If a man be Cornelius, says one, he must be Tacitus too, otherwise he shall never live quietly.   

262  
One entreated a prisoner to do him a courtesy, telling him that hitherto he had found him a fast friend, and he hoped he should find him so still.   

263  
A Gentleman riding on the way would needs turn back to kiss his wife that was behind him, he was therefore commended for a kind husband in regard he was before to kiss his wife behind.   

264  
One asked whether such a man were twice or no, it was answered that he was otherwise.   

265  
One persuaded a Scholar that was much given to going abroad that he would put away his cushion, and it would be a means to make him sit harder to his study.   

266  
One said poetry and plain dealing were a couple of handsome wenches, another answered yes, but he that weds himself to either of them shall die a beggar.   

267  
One said he had heard the story of St. George how he killed the Dragon that would else have devoured the maid, a & did wonder that men would devise such lies, for saith he, it is held by most men that there was never such a man as St. George, nor ever such a creature as a Dragon, another answers for Saint George, 'tis no great matter neither for the Dragon whether there were such or no, pray heaven there be a maid and then it is no matter.   

268  
A Scholar and a Courtier meeting in the street seemed to contest for the wall, says the Courtier I do not use to give every coxcomb the wall, the Scholar answered but I do sir, and so passed by him.   

269  
One asked the reason why women were so crooked and perverse in their conditions, another answered because the first woman was made of a crooked thing.   

270  
A rich Lawyer that had got a great estate by the Law upon his death bed was desirous to give twenty pound per annum, to the House of Beallam, being demanded why he would give it to that House rather than another, he answered that he had got it of mad men, and to them he would give it again.   

271  
One said Women were like quick Sands, seemed sirme, but if a man came upon them, he fell in over head and shoulders.   

272  
Another said a Woman was like a piece of old Grogram always fretting.   

273  
One asked why men should think there was a world in the Moon. It was answered because they were lunatic.   

274  
One asked why Ladies called their husband's Master such a one, and master such a one, and not by their Titles of Knighthood, as Sir Thomas, Sir Richard, Sir William, etc. It was answered that though others called them by their right titles, as Sir William, Sir Thomas, etc. yet it was fit their Wives should master them.   

275  
One asked what was the first commodity a young shopkeeper put off; it was answered his honesty.   

276  
One asked why Icarus would undertake to fly in the air: it was answered because he was a Buzzard.   

277  
Two Gentlemen talking in Latin in the presence of a woman she grew Jealous that they spoke of her, and desired them to speak English, that she might answer them, for she said she was persuaded when men spoke Latin, although they spoke but two words, that still one of them was nought: whereupon one of the Gentlemen said presently, Bonae Mulier, she replied, I know Bona is good, but I'll warrant ye the other word means something that's nought.   

278  
A simple fellow being too bold with one that was his superior, was told he might say what he would for that day because it was Innocents' day, it being so indeed.   

279  
One said a Barber had need be honest and trusty because whosoever employed him, though it was but for a hair matter, he put his life into his hands.   

280  
A suit in Law being referred to a Gentleman the plaintiff who had the equity of the cause on his side pres●●ed him with a new Coach, the Defendant with a couple of Horses, he liking the Horses better than the Coach, gave sentence on the Defendants side: the Plaintiff calls to him, and asketh him how it came to pass the Coach went out of the right way, he answers that he could not help it for the horses had drawn it so.   

281  
One persuaded his friend to marry a little woman because of evils the least was to be chosen▪   

282  
One asked how it came to pass that Hosts had usually red Noses, it was answered that it was given to them by nature to show to the world an experiment of the virtue of what he sold.   

283  
A vainglorious man was bragging that his Father and his Uncle had founded such an Hospital, one answered 'tis true but yet know that your Father and your Uncle were the mere confounders of that Hospital you speak of.   

284  
One said a Tooth drawer was a kind of an unconscionable trade because his Trade was nothing else, but to take away those things whereby every man gets his living.   

285  
One asked why he that drew Beer, was not called a drawer aswell as he that drew Wine, it was answered that Beer made a man to piss, but it was Wine made him draw.   

286  
One said he wondered that Leather was not dearer than any other thing, being demanded a reason: because saith he, it is more stood upon then any other thing in the world.   

287  
One said a Hangman had a contemplative profession because he never was at work, but he was put in mind of his own end.   

288  
One called another Rogue, he answered, durst I trust thee with a looking glass you would quit me and condemn yourself.   

289  
A fellow that had no money in his pocket, was in a great rage with another, who told him, pray Sir do not put yourself into too much heat, unless you had more money in your pocket whereby to quench it.   

290  
One being asked what Countryman he was, he answered a Middlesex man, the other told him, being he was neither of the Male sex, nor of the Female sex, but of a Middlesex, he must then be a Hermaphrodit.   

291  
One said Corn was a quarrelsome creature, because it risen by the blade, and fell by the ears with those that cut it.   

292  
Why do Ladies so affect slender wastes (said one) 'tis (replied another) because their expenses may not be too great.   

293  
One commending a Tailor for his dexterity in his profession; another standing by ratified his opinion, saying Tailors had their business at their finger's ends.   

294  
One being demanded the reason why he thought the greatest drinkers quickest of apprehension, made this answer: Qui super naculum bibit ad unguem sapit.   

295  
A Poet, says one, is a man of great privilege, because if he transgress it is by a rule; viz. Licentiâ poeticâ.   

296  
The severest stoics (said one) are the greatest Students, because their contracted brows are always bend to study.   

297  
Colliers and Mine-workers, should be well acquainted with all the Philosophical secrets of the Earth, because they have deeper knowledge in it, than any others.   

298  
Tapsters said one should be men of esteem, because they are men not only of a high calling, but also of great reckoning.   

299  
'Tis impossible that Sailors should be rich men, because they are never so well pleased as when they go down the wind fastest.   

300  
A woman said of all men she had a desire to marry a Huntsman, because he would not disdain to wear the horn.   

301  
Of all Knaves there's the greatest hope of a Cobbler, for though he be never so idle a fellow yet he is still mending.   

302  
The nearest man in a Kingdom (said one) is a Barber, for he cannot endure to have a hair amiss.   

303  
Wit bought, is better than Wit taught, because he that never bought any is but a natural wit.   

304  
'Tis probable that those women that paint most shall live longest, for where the House is kept in repair there is no fear but it will be inhabited.   

305  
One said that tall men of all others were most happy, because they were nearer heaven than all other men.   

306  
A squint-eyed man (says one) is the most circumspect of all men, because he can look nine ways at once.   

307  
One said that tall men should be great Politicians, because they have an extraordinary reach.   

308  
One said Hangmen were very happy, because those men they do most hurt will never be able to render them quid pro que.   

309  
It is in some sort necessary, that some rich men should be Dunces, because the pretenders to learning may get preferment: for the good wits will be able to help themselves.   

310  
One was saying, it was a fine quality to be able to speak well ex tempore, why then said another, we may commend every woman, for they have the most nimble fluent tongues, and that without study or consideration.   

311  
Hangmen practise their cunning for the most part on good natured men, because they are ready to forgive before the hurt be attempted.   

312  
He that hath but one eye is more like to hit the mark he aims at then another, because he hath a monstrous sight.   

313  
Glasiers said one must needs be good Arbitrators, for they spend their whole time in nothing but composing of quarrels.   

314  
Carpenters said one, are the civilest men in a Commonwealth for they never do their business without a Rule:   

315  
Of all woeful friends a Hangman is the most trusty, for if he once have to do with a man, he will see him hanged before he shall want money or any thing else.   

316  
Bricklayers are notable wanton fellows, for they have always to do with one trull or other.   

317  
Stationers could not live if men did not believe the old saying, that Wit bought is better than Wit taught.   

318  
Those that carry about with them counterfeit Coin, are more nice and curious of it, then of good Gold and Silver, for they cannot endure to have that touched of all the rest.   

319  
Gunners are more serious in what they do, than other men: for what they do, they do with a powder.   

320  
Musquetiers of all other Soldiers, are the most lazy, for they are always at their rest.   

321  
One among a company of his companions who had been drinking very much, by chance let a fart, who for conceits sake, said to one of his companions with whom he might make bold, prithee pledge me, he answered I cannot; he than replied, I pray do but kiss the cup.   

322  
One passing through Cheapside, a poor Woman desired his charity, he disregarding the woman kept on walking, and by and by let a fart: the woman hearing it, said, much good may it do your worship, he hearing her say so, turns back and gives her a tester; she thanked him and told his Worship, it was a bad wind that did blow no body good.   

323  
A man walking the street, let a great— upon which he jestingly said, crack me that nut, it being heard of a waggish wench that was in a chamber over his head, who being well provided at that time with a perfumed Chamber-pot, throws it out of the Window upon his head, saying there's the kernel of your nut Sir.   

324  
One said a Miller was the sittest husband for a Scold, because when the Mill goes, if her tongue goes ne'er so fast it cannot be heard.   

325  
One said that Duke Humfrey's guests were the most temperate men in the World, it being known that at his Table there was never any made drunk, nor with his diet died of a surfeit.   

326  
One said Physicians had the best of it, for if they did well the World did proclaim it, if ill the earth did cover it.   

327  
It is a necessary and fit thing that women learn Roman-hand because (saith one) they were never good Secretaries, nor ever will be.   

328  
One saw a man and his Wife fight, the people asked him why he did not part them, he answered, that he had been better bred, then to part man and wife.   

329  
One said that Tobacconists would endure the wars well, for they would never be stifled with fire and smoke.   

330  
A Drawer for one thing or other is always appearing at the bar, but is not punished, yet notwithstanding 'tis all scored up.   

331  
Scriveners are most hard hearted fellows, for they never rejoice more, than when they put other men in bonds.   

332  
Smiths of all Handicrafts men are the most irregular, for they never think themselves better employed, than when they are addicted to their vices.   

333  
Those which wear long hair are in the readiest way to make good Friars, for they may promise to themselves the happiness to enjoy bald crowns without the help of a Barber.   

334  
Tapsters are not only very rash but very expert, for they are apt to draw upon all occasions, and yet suffer very few to go away scot free.   

335  
Of all diseases the three-quarters harm is most dangerous and most desired: for all women desire to multiply though they labour ne'er so hard for it.   

336  
Fiddlers are very unfortunate in their calling, for they never do any thing but it is against the hair.   

337  
Trumpeters are much subject to sickly distempers, for commonly when they are most in health, they will fall a sounding.   

338  
Horse-keepers and Ostlers (let the world go which way it will, though there be never so much alteration in times and persons) are still stable men.   

339  
One said it was no great matter what a Drunkard said in his drink, for he seldom spoke any thing that he could stand to.   

340  
A Hypocrite is odious (says one) to God, to Man, and to the Devil: God hates him because he is not what he seems, Man hates him because he seems what he is not, and the Devil hates him, because he seems not what he is truly and indeed.   

341  
One said of all professions, that Stage-players were the most Philosophical men that were, because they were as merry and as well contented when they were in Rags as when they were in Robes.   

342  
Great Eaters are the most valiant men, for they never fight but with a good stomach.   

343  
One asked what the reason was, that few women loved to eat eggs: it was answered because they cannot endure to bear the yoke.   

344  
One drinking of a Cup of  Claret, said he was not able to let it down, another demanded why: he answered because it was red hot.   

345  
A poor man that lived in the Suburbs of London, being owner of a little field, had got together so much money to buy two little fields more of an acre of ground a piece, yet he was said to be rich, because he had purchased morefield's.   

346  
One said roaring Gallants were like Pedlars, because some of them did carry their whole estates upon their backs.   

347  
One said that some Tailors were like woodcocks, because they lived by their long bills.   

348  
An Oculist is excellent at sleight of hand, for if he undertake to cure a blind man, he will so do it, that the patient shall see he does it.   

349  
One said it was dangerous to wrong a Physician, because if he once have to do with a man he will be sure to make him stink.   

350  
An Innkeeper bragged he had a bed so large, that two hundred Constables had lain in it at one time, meaning two Constables of hundreds.   

351  
A Prison is a good instrument of reformation, for it makes many rogues and lewd fellows stayed men.   

352  
One complaining that his Son was a very prodigal, and that he would give an hundred pounds to have him reclaimed: his neighbour that heard him complain, answered, let him be a French-Tayler, for they make no waste.   

354  
One demanded of a wild young Gentleman the reason why he would sell his land, who answered because he hoped to go to heaven, which he could not possibly do till he forsook earth.   

354  
In the Commonwealth of Fishes are many Officers: Herring the King, Swordfish his guard, Lobsters are Aldermen, Crabs are Constables, and poor john's the common sort of people.   

355  
An idle unthrift having nothing left to maintain his humour of good fellowship but his bed, sold it; for which being reproved by some friends, he answered that he could never be well, so long as he kept his bed.   

357  
Cobblers may be said to be good men, because they set men upright, and are ever employed in mending of soles.   

358  
Two men seeing a handsome Wench, but thought to be light, pass by in a very poor habit; the one said it was a wonder to see such a wench so b●re, the other replied it was no wonder for she was common.   

359  
A drunken fellow coming home towards Evening, found his Wife hard at her spinning, she reproving him for his ill husbandry, and commending herself for her good housewifery, he told her that she had no great cause to chide, for as she had been spinning, he came home all the way reeling.   

361  
An ignorant drunken Surgeon that killed all men that came under his hands, boasted himself a better man than the Parson; for said he, your Cure maintains but yourself, but my Cures maintain all the Sextons in the Town.   

362  
A merry fellow said the Alehouse was the only place to thrive in, for he had known many a score made there.   

363  
Musicians may be said to be the best Philosophers, for they will be sure to keep time.   

364  
A woman that was very imperious over her husband, was nicknamed by a neighbour and called Mistress Cap., for which she angrily demanded his reason, and was answered because she was always above her head.   

365  
Another woman with her riotous humours having undone her husband, and he being broken and fled, the same neighbour reproving her, she bade him not meddle with what did no way belong to him, for she had only broken her own head.   

366  
A Lady that was painted, told a Gentleman she desired much to have her picture done to the life, to which he answered you need not that Madam, for you are a picture to the life already.   

367  
A Gentleman whose name was Stone, falling off his Horse into a deep water, out of which he got not without some danger: his companion laughed at the mischance, and being reproved, answered that no man but would laugh to see a stone swim.   

368  
A foolish Gentleman deformed likewise in his person, was called by one a Monster, nay surely said another the Gentleman he is merely natural.   

369  
A Country fellow ask which way he might go to Bedlam, a Citizen told him, the nearest way was to be mad, then, said the Country-fellow you horn-mad Citizens may the better direct us that are Countrymen.   

370  
A common wench stepping into a boat, fell into the water, and reaching her hand to be helped out, one refused it, saying, she need not fear drowning, for for she was so light she could never sink.   

371  
One threatened a fellow to break his head with a stone, i'll assure you (quoth he) it is a hard matter to break my head with a stone.   

372  
A boy seemed much delighted with a Cobbler's work, commending and admiring his workmanship, the Cobbler pleased with the boy's admiration asked him if he would be of his trade, to which he answered no; for though he loved workmanship he could not endure cobbling.   

373  
One hearing a rich Gentleman (but ignorant enough) discourse somewhat weakly, how much land there was holden in capite, asked him if his wit was held in in capite: to which he answered no; the other asked him again, if he had not some fee-simple held in capite: to which he answered yes; and that it did descend to him and his heirs forever.   

374  
A Physician demanded money of another for one of his patients that was dead long before, he was answered that it was a work of charity to visit the sick; but if he was so earnest for money the only way was for him to visit the dead, and then he would never want money more.   

375  
A rich Stationer wished himself a Scholar, to whom one answered you are one already, being doctus in libris, nay said the Stationer, I am but dives in libris meaning rich in pounds.   

376  
One boasted himself to be esteemed a wit, saying the world spoke him to be all wit: one standing by that knew him very well, said, is it possible that you are taken to be a wit, or one that is allwit, if you be allwit, than your anagram is witall.   

377  
A Gentleman hawked in another's ground, to which the surly owner showed himself angry, at which the Gentleman spit in his face, what is your reason for that, said the Farmer: I cry you mercy, said the Gentleman, I gave you warning, for I hawked before I spit.   

378  
One running hastily with a stick of fire in his hand to light a faggot another called him rogue, which being angry and demanding his reason: he answered for that he had a brand in his hand.   

379  
A patiented man being domineered over by his wife that was flying about his ears, desired her not to tear his band for he would gladly wear it (if she pleased) without cuffs.   

380  
One was saying that lead was the basest of all other metals: it is true said another, but yet it is the stoutest, for the Glazier will tell you that it keeps more quarrels asunder then any other mettle in the world.   

381  
A Joiner on a time took a pill, and it so wrought with him that he had forty stools in a minute of an hour.   

382  
Carriers said one, are wise men, for they will not meddle with any thing but they will know of what moment and weight it is.   

283  
One whose name was Gun, called a woman whore; she being moved as it, had him before a justice of peace about it, the Justice reproved him for it, and deeply charged him not to call her so again. As they were going home, the woman told him Master Gun, you heard what the justice said, I hope being so deeply charged, you will henceforward give a better report.   

384  
One said Painters were cunning fellows, for they had a colour for every thing they did.   

385  
One asked why Kitchenmaids went so sluttishly: in regard they dressed themselves as cleanly as they did their meat.   

386  
One said to his friend that had been speaking: I love to hear a man talk nonesence, the other answered, I know you love to hear yourself talk as well as any man.   

387  
One asked why beggars stood in the streets, begging with brooms in their hands: it a ws answered, because they did with them sweep away the dirt out of people's sight, which while they had a mind on, they would never part with a penny.   

388  
A Gentleman took up some Commodities upon trust in a shop, promising the Master of the shop, that he would owe him so much money: the master of the shop was therewith very well contented, but seeing that the Gentleman delayed the payment, he asked the money: the Gentleman told him he had not promised to pay him, he had promised to pay him, he had promised to owe him so much money, and that he would in no wise break his promise, which if he paid him he did.   

389  
One said he had been kept still to the school, and had been made a Scholar, if he could but have learned to have declined mulier, and for that cause was taken from the school.   

390  
One desired upon his deathbed to have his corpses when he was dead stuck with Hyssop, as is the fashion in divers places: one of his neighbours sitting by, told him Time was better; why said the sick man: because said the other unless you be buried in time you will stink, that no creature will be able to go with you to the Grave.   

391  
One asked another what Shakespeare's works were worth all being bound together: he answered not a farthing; not worth a farthing, said he, why so? He answered, that his plays were worth a great deal of money, but he never heard, that his works were worth any thing at all:   

392  
One was commending of the point-makers for good distinct readers, and that they read better than any other people whatsoever: another asked his reason he answered that since the fashion of Cassocks came up they kept their points, and that was the only way to make a man's reading graceful.   

393  
Two Poets being merry in a Tavern, the one was desirous to be gone, the other entreated him to stay, telling him, that if he did go away, he would make a Comedy upon him, you shall get nothing by that, replied the other, for than I will make a Tragedy on thee, and in the latter end of it, thou shalt hang thyself.   

394  
One meeting his friend riding on the way without boots, asked him about what business he rid: the other told him that his business was of great importance, and he was likewise in great haste: I am very doubtful then, said he, that your labour is lost: why, said he, because quoth the other, you ride of a bootless errand.   

395  
One being at Supper at a friends house, it chanced there was mutton and capers for supper: fell into a Discourse of dancing, saying, that he loved it better than any other kind of recreation, by and by, taking notice of the Capers which he had never seen before, took one upon his Trencher, cut it in the middle, and put the half of it into his mouth: the master of the house observing it, said, Sir it seems you love dancing very well, when you cannot forbear but you must cut Capers at Supper.   

396  
A fellow had the pictures of the five senses stolen out of his house, whereupon he came to a justice, and desired that the Thiefs might be bound to the peace, for what said the justice, for stealing your pictures: yes saith he; I thought said the Justice, you had lost your senses, that you talk so idly.   

397  
One amongst a crowd of people on the top of Paul's Steeple, had his pocket picked: what villains are these quoth he, to pick a man's pocket in the Church: nay Sir said another, you are but robbed upon the Highway.   

398  
One complained he knew not how to maintain his barns: be a good husband quoth another, and your barns will maintain you.   

399  
A rude deboist young man was placed by his friends with a Proctor, who observing the misbehaviour of the young man, told his Parents he feared their Son would never make a civil Lawyer.   

400  
In some merry company one bid another mend his lests, for they were all cracked: they ought to be so, said he, for it is no jest till it be broken.   

402  
One sitting by the fire to take Tobacco, said the fire was his friend, and presently spit into it: to which one replied you do not well to quench your friends love by spitting in his face.   

403  
Two Scholars walking along a River, were stiffly arguing a point, and wished for a moderator, or a book of some authority: one of them presently espying an angler sitting on a Tree, cried out, we have our wish! for yonder is Piscator upon ramus-   

404  
A Gentleman showing a young student a part of Scotus, wherein was these words, Dominus Scotus in sententia, and asked him if it was not Dunce Scotus? No, replied the Scholar that wonot be; except V be there.   

405  
One said Gallants had reason to be good Scholars, because they were deep in many books.   

406  
One seeing a Printed book, that was but one sheet of paper, said it was not necessary for any man to libel it, for it did penance in a sheet already.   

407  
One asked which of the letters in the Alphabet were the most authentic in a Bill or Bond: it was answered, I O U.   

408  
One asked why men and their wives did not agree better now adays: it was answered, men were now more learned, and did know that it was false concord, that the masculine and feminine gender should agree at all.   

409  
Two being in a Tavern, the one swore the other should pledge him: why then, quoth the other, I will, who went presently down the stairs, and left him as a pledge for the reckoning.   

410  
One asked wherefore a d●um was in the wars: it was answered to stir up v●lour in the Soldiers, that is strange, said the other, for wheresoever the victory falls the Drums are sure to be beaten.   

411  
One asked why B stood before C: because said another, a man must B before he can C.   

412  
One asked how long the longest letter in the English Alphabet was: it was answered an L long.   

413  
One asked why some Gentlewomen wore Feathers in their Hats: it w●s answered because they were lightheaded.   

414  
One looking upon a foolish book, asked why Finis was not at the end of it? another that stood by, answered, because there was no end of idle books.   

415  
A Country fellow looking into a Scrivener's shop, and seeing nothing in the shop but a desk and a boy sitting at it: asked what they sold? The boy answered Loggerheads; the fellow replied, it seems you have good custom for them, for you have but one left in the shop.   

416  
A drunken fellow coming by a shop, asked a Prentice-boy what their sign was, he answered, it was a sign he was drunk.   

417  
One asked how it was possible a woman could have a face like a swine? it was answered, that her father was a great eater of brawn, and her mother of swine's cheek; and that she was begot a little before dinner, when they had both a mind of of their victuals.   

418  
One meeting a mad fellow pitifully drunk, asked him whither he was going? to th' tavern, said he: no, replied the other, drunkenness is the way to hell, and thither you are now going: o said the drunkard, I ne'er fear that, for I'm so drunk, that my legs are not able to carry me so far.   

419  
A Gentlewoman taxing one of her serving-men for telling her a lie, was thus answered; o mistress, do you think I am such a saucy knave as to offer to lie with you! heaven's forbidden.   

420  
One said a mad choleric man was no wiser than a horse; being asked why? answered, because he could not bridle himself.   

421  
One ask which was the way to the devil? meaning the Devilltavern; was answered, you must leave the Temple.   

422  
One having taken physic for being extraordinarily bound, told his Physician he had done him but little good; whereupon his Physician answered, that the constitution of men's bodies was much alike to their purses; for if the purse was bound, the body would ne'er be lose.   

423  
One told a fat man that was thought to be an extreme wencher, that he was given to the flesh: o no, said the fat man, the flesh is given to me.   

424  
One being asked by a Tailor what place in London was the best for a Tailor to set up in? answered, in Bread-street.   

425  
One said he wondered at nothing more than that the moon was not lousy, because she changed but once in a month.   

426  
One being asked whether a mere proper man was good or no? answered, yes: being asked for what? answered, nothing.   

427  
One speaking of Copernicus his opinion concerning the motion of the Earth and Sea, and the standing still of the heavens; awitty fellow overhearing it, said, sure Copernicus was in some ship under sail, and near the shore, when he writ that opinion.   

428  
One speaking of himself in jest, that he was persuaded he did not weigh above a pound; why then, said another, you are an As, which is the latin for a pound weight.   

429  
An old rich carrier, now dead, was used, when he came into an Inn, to be kindly saluted by the Chamberlens with the word (welcome) whereto he did always use to answer, God a mercy, my good friend; and in the mean while clap his hand upon his money pouch.   

430  
One asked from whence these strange fashions of cloaks without capes came? another answered, that the fashion was very far fetched, for it was fetched from the Cape.   

431  
A cuckold being in company with a poet was desiring him to make a paper of verses on him: whereupon the poet told him, yes; and they should be good ones, for he never looked on him but he thought he saw the forked Hill.   

432  
A Courtier riding in his foot-cloth, being requested by a poor man to extend his charity, asked him what trade he was? who answered, a beggar: a beggar, said he! how long hath that been a trade? he replied, ever since such as you had good clothes, and rid up and down with a foot-cloth.   

433  
One said, a butcher's boy was like a woman-slave in Turkey, which carried flesh to get his master a living.   

434  
An old man that had used spectacles a long time, was telling his friend, that notwithstanding his spectacles, he was not able to read above an hour; his friend answered, that the reason of it was, his spectacles were made of an hourglass.   

435  
A Player that was to act Pan the shepherd's god, as he was entering, was observed by reason of the coldness of the weather to have a dropping nose: who, when he was told of it, answered, it was well that you told me, for otherwise I had acted a dripping-pan.   

436  
One complementing with a Gentlewoman, telling her that if she pleased he would not only be her servant, but to do her a courtesy, could be content to part with a piece of his flesh: who answered, she thanked him very kindly, but she never loved veal in her life.   

437  
One asked what he was that was a Pander to his own wife? it was answered, a pickforke.   

438  
A Herald coming into a gentleman's room, and observing upon the walls a coat of Arms of the Gentlemen which the Gentleman could not justify, took a candle and set it on fire; a servant coming in, asked him what he did mean? who answered, no hurt; he was but blazing his master's coat.   

439  
A man and his wife being taken on suspicion of felony, and bound over; the woman appeared, but not the man: the Judge ask the cause? the woman answered, that her husband was so sick he could not come without danger of his life: whereupon the Judge replied, I do believe it, for if he do appear, there's no question but he will be hanged.   

440  
Two Gentlemen being together in a friend's house near Temple-bar, sent to the devilltavern for a pottle of claret which was brought accordingly; one of them desired it might be burnt; o by no means, said the other, it must needs be hot enough, for it came from the devil.   

441  
One being in the Lent time at a friends house, the woman of the house not having wherewith to entertain him, sent her maid to desire the next neighbour to lend her a pound of bacon; which the Gentleman overhearing, when the bacon came to be set before him, said he would eat none: being demanded why? answered, because it was lent.   

442  
A Lawyer pleading before a Judge, and not speaking to the purpose, the Judge interrupting him, bid him hold his peace; the Lawyer desired the Judge to hear him out; whereupon the Judge replied, he had heard him out all that while.   

443  
A fellow brought before a Judge for stealing a watch, the Judge perceiving that he was a little too severely prosecuted against, resolved within himself to save him; and to that purpose put the Jury to value the materials whereof the watch was made; which was valued at sixpence: the party wronged said, the fashion (my Lord) stands me in five pounds; o said the Judge, it matters not, we must not hang men for fashion sake.   

444  
One that was every spring extremely bound in his body, insomuch that if he did not help it with physic he should surely die; was used to say, that he was bound on pain of death to take physic once a year.   

445  
A servitor in the University carrying a neat's tongue to the Rectors table in the College, let it fall by the way; for which being checked, he made answer, lapsus linguae non est error mentis.   

446  
A Gentleman in the University having his Commons brought cold to him, bid his servitor go and heat them; who went presently behind the screen and eat them: the Gentleman long expecting the commons, at length called the servitor, and asked him where his Commons were? he answered, I have done as you bid me: no, said the Gentleman, I did not bid you eat them, I bid you heat them: 'tis true Sir, said the servitor, but you know, h non est litera.   

447  
Some fishermen being got out to fish, and seeing they were not able to get any thing, fell to louzing themselves; at length returning, and being asked what they had caught? answered, what they had caught they had left behind them, and what they could not catch they had brought with them.   

448  
A painter whose name was Horses coming into another painter's shop where the picture of Phaeton was, riding in his chariot, slighted the piece extremely; the other standing upon his workmanship, said, he would maintain it was done to the life: rather you have drawn him to the death, replied he; o by no means, said he, Horses drew him to the death.   

449  
A witty Gentleman wearing an extraordinary short cloak, observing himself to be jeered at for it, answered, it should be long enough before he had another.   

450  
A fellow fearing a trial would pass against him, said to the Judge, good my Lord let me have but your opinion, I will wait upon your Lordship for your judgement some other time.   

451  
A Country woman making puddings had set them on the fire to seethe, and bad a child look to them, and when he did see them begin to dance, bade the boy call her: she wondering a great while that the boy did not call her, asked him whether they did not yet dance? no, quoth the boy, but they will do presently: how know'st thou that? yes quoth the child, for they have put off their coats already.   

452  
A Cambridge Scholar being asked why the Townsman's children were so witty when they were young, and blockish when they were old? answered that Scholars got them, and Townsmen bred them.   

453  
One asked whence the word Interpreter was derived? it was answered, quasi Interpreter, for one that prated betwixt two that spoke several languages.   

454  
One asked why Chambermaids were more troubled with the green sickness than other women? it was answered, because they used to lie at their master's beds-feet.   

455  
One asked what beast in the world might be said to have the best understanding? it was answered, a Cuckold.   

456  
A maid told her Mistress she must entreat her to keep more maids, because she was much overlaid.   

457  
One whose husband's name was Beane, being delivered of two children at a burden, told the midwife she had been so troubled with wind all the time she was with child, that she wondered at it: the midwife said it was no marvel, in regard her belly so long had been full of beans   

458  
One speaking of a drunken fellow, said that he knew him drunk for a week together; that's nothing, said his friend, for I have heard of people that were drunk ten years together: who were those, said he? the Grecians and the Trojans quoth the other, for if they had not, they would ne'er have been so mad as to have fought so long about a whore.   

459  
Printers (says one) are the most lawless men in a Kingdom, for they commit faults cum privilegio.