Mercurius Democritus, HIS LAST WILL AND TESTAMENT. With divers Legacies and wholesome ADMONITIONS, With other good Cautions, left to all his Friends and Acquaintance, wheresoever dispersed, Whether in England, Scotland, France, Ireland, Holland, Greenland, etc.  

Democritus, finding himself ill,  
Sends for a Scribe to make his Will;  
Which he soon did, and doth bestow  
His Legacies on you below:  
With Lessons t' shun Pride and folly;  
And Rules to cure Melancholy.  
Which being done (straining for breath)  
Had like t' have laughed himself to death.   
LONDON, Printed at the sign of The blind man's Bough in Thames-street, between London-bridge, and Puddle-wharf.   

MERCURIUS DEMOCRITUS, HIS LAST WILL AND TESTAMENT.  
WHereas I Mercurius Democritus of the Family of the Jovallists, in the County of Merryford, being something sick in body, rich in estate, but in perfest memory, do in the presence of many of my best Friends and Acquaintance make this my last Will and Testament in manner and form following;  
Inprimis, I do give my body to be proportionably divided amongst all my Creditors in full satisfaction of all my Debts; and therefore in the first place do bequeath my head to the Haberdasher at the Dolphin in Long-lane, that as it hath been formerly stuffed with quibbles, jests, conceits, fancies, crotchets, whimsies and the like; so he may employ it for the Common-good, to invent new fashions for his Hats and Hatbands; set forth after the al-la-mode with devices of feathers, ribbons, favours of all colours; Provided he give my hair to my honest Barber J. P. in Gosswel Street, to be sufficiently powdered with white Powder, and afterwards to be composed into a Periwig for the use of him that hath best deserved it, of all the Levelling Rant-Masters in Aldersgate street.  
Item, I give and bequeath my Eyes to the Weepers, or in their absence to Mercurius Heraclitus.  
Item, I give and bequeath my Teeth to the next Barber, to be strung up at his window, having had this three year but very small use or employment for them myself.  
Item, I give and bequeath my Wit to him that never knew misery, or would fain see the inside of a prison.  
Item, I give and bequeath my neck to the handsomest Sempstress in the Exchange, that she may fit it with new bands to be in a readiness against the next Spring.  
Item, I give my shoulders to my City-Taskmasters to heap on them whatsoever they shall please, being resolved to bear what ever they lay upon me.  
Item, I give and bequeath my heart to all honest men in the Commonwealth, that have a desire to do as they would be done by.  
Item, I give my sides to the strongest Faction, being in these times the best policy to side with the powerfullest Party.  
I would give my stomach to any body, but I doubt no body will be at charge to provide for it that loves Horseflesh.  
Item, I give my Arms to him that is the best Soldier in Christendom, provided my hands be delivered to Scriveners-Hall, to subscribe Bills, Bonds, and Obligations, ever hereafter, to do penance for writing Pamphlets.  
Item, I give my Liver to him that desires to live well; the health of the body much consisting of a good and sound Liver.  
Item, I give my Lungs to the bawling Levites of these times, provided they be all Presbyterians.  
Item, I give my belly and guts to the Pie-corner Cooks, provided the next Sassage-woman may have part of them to stop her mouth against her husband.  
Item, I do give and bequeath my backside or Posteriors to all my baek-friends, provided they be at least Aldermen of the City of Trumpington, or to the Lord of that Soil, or chief & privy Officer belonging to the Cinque-Ports thereof, and all such pofit, or profits that shall arise therefrom by the Terpitudinary, Excremental, or Merducinous Ordure, to be duly collected for the use of the Official, whether it be in Muck, Muckhills, Mixens, Smells, Savours, Scents, Vapours, etc. and to be gathered by said Official for the use of the Stinkard belonging to the City aforesaid, and to be disposed of as he and the rest of his venerable Brethren shall think fit.  
Item, I give my thighs to all those that love to suck Marrowbones, that having lost their mettle with exercising they may in short time repair it again, and become able performers.  
Item, I give my knees to all those that will not superstitiously bend or bow them either in Divine Worship, or to Parents or Magistrates.  
Item, I give my legs to Major Gen. Massiy, provided he make the right use of them, and not to wrong their calves in fight against his own Countrymen.  
Item, I give and bequeath my heels to all Excise-men, Collectors, and Sequestrators that cannot cast account, or make appear what is become of the Commonwealth's Money.  
Item, I give my Toes to his Majesty's Corncutter to be pared sharp, that they may the better kick at the bare buttocks of Vice and Wickedness.  
Item, I give and bequeath all my wearing  to the honest Brokers to make them amends for all the true abuses I have done them in writing or otherwise; provided that they suffer me to wear one suit during the short remainder of my life, and that they take no use or weekly payment for the same.  

Since all their Pawns are now at half year sold,  
The Jews may pawn their faith and souls for Gold.   
Item, I give and bequeath my Fancy to all Gentlemen that take their chief delight in Hawking and Hunting; which Fancy will sit still and conceive all kind of excellent sports without any toil or charges in keeping Hawks and Hounds, when so many poor Christians starve for want of bread.  
Item, I give and bequeath to all poor distressed Pamphleteers my Invention and Gooses-quill to purchase them (with scribbling a whole sheet) a pot or a Pipe, or perhaps (if it take) half a Crown to pay for their lodging and diet a a month after, if the knavish Stationer do not cozen him of it.  
Item, I do give and bequeath my skin to the Gentle-Craft, that they may make use of it for Inner-soles; provided it be first throughly tanned and well liquored every Monday at the sign of Crispin and Crispianus, before it ever suffer the stroking of St. Hughs-bones, or come to be pared, sowed, or stretched on the Last, that it may the better hold out water; Provided that Dr. Trig have no hand or benefit therefrom, upon pain of all such ware to be forfeit to Democritus his Ghost.  
Item, I give to all journey men Tailors three days in the week a halfpenny loaf a piece to their breakfast; provided they have a special care of all the odd Remnants, and on Sunday wind up their bottoms, and lick their Thimbles clean, that they may the better go through-slitch with their work all the week after; and the more valiantly encounter with the Rakabites and Moabites their daily combatants; and in case Whalebone should be dear this year, It is Ordered, That they kill the tame Whale kept in Rumley-Marsh.  
Item, I do give and bequeath to the Butchers all my fat Cattles, whether Oxen, Calves, Sheep, Goats, etc. provided that they preserve the head and Horns for the use of the City, the one to feed the poor, and the other to adorn the rich; and what are overplus to be converted to the use newly found out, in making of Horn-Glasses.  
Item, I give and bequeath to the Ale-Brewers the care of all my Pot-Companions, in hopes (now I am gone) they will be more pitiful to them then the Alewives or Tapsters, who after they had spent all their money would commonly abuse them, and kick them out of doors, or else empty a Chamber-pot on their heads.  
Item, I give to all Bakers a Caveat how they buy their Meal, by reason a company of knaves (called Meal-men) have now got a trick to boult Barly-meal into Wheat, and to juggle with the Miller to grind their Grain high or low for their own ends, the better to mingle one Meal with another.  
Item, I give to all Hedge- Vintners a wholesome and needful Caveat to avoid the sins of the Cellar, in wracking, brewing, feeding their sick, and mixing their Wines with divers hurtful Ingredients that disturbs the brain, and poisons the body, and infects the memory of any that are so sottish, or stupid, to drink thereof.  
Item, I do give and bequeath my lean- dun Cow, (being one of Pharaohs breed) to Mr. Mallet the Lawyer, and a big grown Pike (that hath devoured all the small fish in my Pond) to the rest of his honourable fraternity; Provided my Patience be first given to their Clients; and my money to see or bribe their Clerks.  

Lawyers are Bears, and Poor men ought to fear'em,  
Like ravening Wolves; 'Tis dangerous to come neer'em.   
Item, I give and bequeath my thirst to all Goldsmiths, Black-smiths, Jack-Smiths, Lock-smiths, Gun-smiths, Braziers, Pewterers, Clock-makers, Founders, Pin-makers, Thimble-makers, Plumbers, Cutlers, Nedle-makers, Bell-founder, Tinkers and Glass-makers, and to all and every lad of Mettle; Provided, That it shall be lawful for any sober Artist, to Ask Take and Receive one Groat of any of the Persons aforesaid that shall presume to Bridle, Saddle, Ride or mount the common reeling Jade called CUT; and that every such sober journeyman shall receive the forfeiture aforesaid, without any favour, deceit or connivance whatsoever.  
Lastly, I give to Lily and Culpepper, two new Ass-strolobes, with a Jacobs-flaff to take the Altitude, Longitude, Latitude, Crassitude, Magnitude, and Amplitude of all Stars, whether on sign-posts or otherwise, fixed or wand'ring, the better to know their divers Aspects, their kinds, operations, distance, Conjunctions, Motions and Properties; Which of them rise Cosmically and fall Ironnically; which Stars exceed the bigness of the earth, and which not; which are Masculine, and which Feminine, which reside in the Zodiac, and which do not; Provided that Nick begin first at the Ram, and Will follow on the Bull till they come through all the 12 Houses to Peregaeon, the lowest region, and there with the Great Dog, and the Whelp, make a Bear-baiting, that all the Lunatics which they made to run mad for fear of the Great Eclipse, may be invited to the same; and all that fell into Consumptions then, may behold the Sport to make them part of amends; and afterwards that Culpepper purge them, blood them, and Cut them of the simples for believing such false Predictors, that can tell no more (but by the common Rules, and course of Mature) then Will himself could tell Who be— this door.  

Thus Democritus laughing still,  
Bid the Scrivener end his Will;  
And turning in the midst on's laugh  
Swanlike he sung his Epitaph.   

His EPITAPH.  
No Bell towl, but laugh and sing,  
a Grave's a Palace to me;  
Passions but Diseases bring,  
there K— s can ne'er undo me.   

There's nothing welcomer than Death,  
that perfect joys will bring me;  
When Angels wait for my last breath,  
in Quires to heaven they'll sing me.   
FINIS.