AMSTERDAM, AND HER Other Hollander Sisters put out to Sea, BY Van Trump, Van Dunck, & Van Dump. OR, A true description of those so called Hoghens mogen's, set out to the life; with the manners of their Quagmire Bog, and other special varieties touching their unmannerly manners, and base Ingratitude to our English Nation, from their shells of beggary to their now present pride.  
Penned to give our Nation timely notice of their subtle frauds and delusions.  
Though Van Trump fight,  
And Grotius writ  
That the Trade of fishing is free:  
Yet if Selden or Blague  
Should sail to the Hague,  
The Hoghens must beg on their knee.  Ah! Gens nescia veri. 
LONDON, Printed for Richard Harper, in Smithfield, near the Hospital Gate. 1652.   

The Hollander Anatomised.  
OH for an expert Chirurgeon to dissect this Dutch Bloat-Herring! Or a skilful Cheesemonger to open this Great Butterbox! For neither Hondius, nor Fischer, nor any other Map-cutter is able sufficiently to do it; they are such Chameleons, and Water Rats, that it's hard to set them forth in their Natures, or Colours; for a man can scarce tell where to have them sure either on Land or Water; but where soever you see them, you must trust to yourself; but to give our Countrymen timely notice of them, that they may know for what Horseleeches, Sponges, and Cormorants our Nation hath so many years passed fought to defend and uphold, we will describe these Dutch Hares, Caterpillars, and Sharks, these Vipers, Vultures, and Boars into thirteen parts; of which these so blown Bladders, the Dutch are made up off. We begin with their Head first, and that is,  

2. SCHISM.  
OR in plain English a Gally-mophrey of all Religions; except only what's true and pure: Their main Nest is Amsterdam, which hath as many Sects as Chambers, for they let out Lodgings to all people, and if they pay, they regard not how they pray; so they can pray upon them: That this is so, take a view of some, as Calvinists, Huguenots, Lutherans, Brownists, Anabaptists, Arminians, Socinians, Pelagians, Papists, Jews, Swinglians, Remonstranten, Contra-Remonstranten, with divers others not fitting to be named, much less to be allowed; that they account the best Religion which brings most gains to them for toleration, were it the Turks Koran, that's their best God that brings the most Gold; if the Cantore be full, let their Churches be empty, they have a thing called a predioante maer sunder gist, he'll veit up stautd, they have one called a Preacher, but without money he is no Teacher. The next is,   

3. Their REBELLION.  
THere are three to whom they should show subjection, the Emperor, the King of Spain, and the French; there are many Towns that do show over their Gates their true Owners, as for the Emperor, the Eagle, U●recht, Newmighem, Teele, Arneheam, Campen, Deventer and Swool, Emmerick and Wesel, so that if the Emperor, and the other two Kings had their own feathers, the Dutch would scarce have any for themselves: Queen Elizabeth spoke true and home to them, that because they said they were Reformed Protestants, in their Petition to her, she would relieve them, but indeed they were but Traitors and Rebels to their Prince; the Provinces and Towns they have were got by English Valour, and Scotch, and French, for they fight with other men's hearts, not with their own; they have broke from the Spanish yoke, and slipped out of the Emperor's Choler by colloging with England and France, whom they profess to love, but 'tis for their gains and their safety; they crave a Protector for fear of a fall, 'tis not for honesty but in policy; the red Cross and white have kept their Quagmire for them, for better their Country is not then a Reformed Bog. The next is,   

4. Their PRIDE.  
FOr which they were humbled and brought low, yet now they can speak nothing in their Titles but blasphemy, the Hogheuste Moegeuste Staten, the most high, and most mighty States and Lords: Insolent and proud they are, for they will boast of their Coat of Arms, though they be a pair of Pot-hooks, or two Hogsheads; if they give a Lion, though black, or blue, or green, or white, without Head, or Eyes, or Paws, they brag themselves to some Dukes, or Prince's Descent, but this pride swells most, when Rotterdam's or Breda's Beer, or new Megheus Mull, or Brandt Wine puffs them up, for than they fear not hanging, strappadoing, or damning: they are brag and proud of any thing, as of their blue bands, but more of a clean shirt, but they are the most proud of a May Even, and of their Ships, their fine Towns, and cleanly Wives; the best and surest way to get any thing of them, is, curb them, to threaten them, and to beat them, for than they fear and love you; if you pray them, they are Tyrants and Peacocks, or think you a Meacock. The next to be handled is,   

5. That mad practice of Drunkenness.  
THey have their Gesouten, as the Bore the Kindern maekt, their Upsy Freezen, their off Gesupen, their Mel floribus, with many other such forms of healths and cuppings; they sit longest at it, when they have had their pickled Herrings, 'tis a hard thing to find any of them sober at four or five in the Afternoon; many practice by themselves rather then sit idle: Scarce a Malefactor but will die drunk, and their Preachers not only permit it but persuade it, that they should die the more valorously: Oh brand Wine! takes away the fear of death, and they use Scripture for it as they go to the Gallows, Give Wine to him that is ready to perish; they'll come out of the Guelly house as to Morris Dance, though to the Gibbet; the Maids and Women are as free as the men, and usually choose their Husbands by their Cups; then they'll snick a snee, who at other times fear a Holly-wand; they'll drink of all Waters, and are indeed contrary to all other men for others are best and stoutest when sober, these are then the only men when they are no men, and dare stand against all when they cannot stand at all; if ever you conquer them let them be sober, for than they are plain Cowards. And then follows next,   

6. Their Cowardliness.  
THey are like great Trees, hollow within, more sap than heart, they dare do nothing single, but altogether as our Lions in Smithfield on Mondays, Wednesdays, and fridays, Oxen or Sheep: they love not to stand only perdeiu, except in drink; other Nations got them their Towns, and yet keep them for them, scarce any of their own Nation Soldiers, and they never trusted upon any notable design alone: Witness Trehay, and Todos los Sanctos, for they will yield or run for it, and the Battle at Neuport, where all the Duchess ran the field, and left the English and Scotch to fight while they fled; lope, lope, is their word, and their deed too; you must not fear them for their gross bulk, they are like Drums, make a great sound, and set other together by the ears, but do nothing themselves; if he runs not too far, you may see him come in when all's done to pillage, not fight.   

7. They want hearts, but have crafty heads.  
BUt though they want hearts, yet they have crafty heads, dull to apprehend, but subtle to execute, their covetous craftiness, and crafty covetousness do exceed the Lombard Masters, though they be Jews; their whole trading is but defrauding, you may live 20. years there, and yet never see any English Silver or Gold, except yourself changes it, and then you may bid it farewell for ever seeing it again: their practice in the East and West Indies, and in the South Seas is to decry and frustrate any other Nation, or Commodities to enhance themselves and their own: when Wars was betwixt England and Spain, many of our Colliers from Newcastle came short home, the Dunkirk bore the fault, but 'tis too much suspected the Hollander did the mischief; witness also their planting in our Fens and Marshes, and their Herring fishing, full of subtlety, deceit, and covetousness, like Sponges suck in, but part with nothing except squeezed from them; the Nation hath been the Horseleeches of Europe, and are the very Mountebanks to cry up themselves, and despise all others. Next follows,   

8. Their unjustice and Ingratitude.  
THey should be thankful at least to them who saved their Country, their lives, Wives, and Children too: But to kill them and shoot bullets into their breasts is unheard off, and unparallelled unjustice, this hath been their practice: As Vipers eat out their Mother's bowels, so do these; had England left them, or let them lie open, they had not had a Sluice to shut up, for ere this time their best Town to put into had been Dam or Scichterdam, for as for Minichedam they could not have dared to hold it when the Spaniard had the power of their Wives and their lives too; they deal with England as the Lawyer did with two men about the Oyster, eat out the meat, and gave them the shell; we may say of their Courtesy as 'tis in the Proverb, save a Thief from the Gallows, and he'll be the first to help to hang him.   

9 Their busy meddling.  
OR to use their own words, their interloping into the affairs of other states, as though all other Nations were dying, and had made these their Overseers; they are the only Medlars, and to be sure they are best when they be rotten; at their first rising they could not say they kept correspondency with other Princes, for none would own them, for than they were poor Petitioners, thought now they would be Masters over all: at their first crawling and spawning, they had only their Agenten, but now having sucked wealth and strength by the forbearance and indulgence of their betters, timely to tutor them, they send forth their Factors for Ambassadors; they have rumoured the four parts of the world with their pragmatical Intelligencers, and they who had scarce a home to hid their heads in, will not now be kept at home; they are like cunning Mountebanks, who find out others diseases by tampering with their distempered pulses, and having let them blood, care not how soon they die; if they hear of an Ulcer in any State or Kingdom, they care not to cure it, but to procure it; they are the very Glisters of the World, which if you let into the bowels, they'll not leave tumbling and rumbling, till you must be forced to shit them out, and then you shall smell these busy bold intruders: their Country is but a stinking house of Office, into which you may go, but if you stay too long, you're sure to be stripped, or stifled. They are like Black-soap, whick though laid under you, yet in short time by warmeth and heat, will froth and foam above you; you cannot step into any Prince's Court, though it should be to the titular King of Scots, if he have any, or to the black Aranokin, or to rupert's Starting holes, but these busy Wasps and Hornets called Hollanders, will with their Braggadotia's, And how is't mine here, be found there, and tell lies as big as Elephants, not to honour our Nation, but to ruin it, which they have long gaped after, but as yet happily have missed. We must not let them into our very tails, our Fens, Marshes, Creeks, or Harbours, though VAN TRUMP aims at it for they stink where they go: in plain terms, they have meddled so far, that we hope they can interveer no further.   

10. Their profaneness.  
THey pretend to their Beeden-Dagen, their Fast-days, and Sabboath keeping, but however, they will not forgo the keeping of their Carmishen, that is, their drunken Fairs, though in Sermon-time upon those very days: when they meet; their zeal is more upon their Brand-wine, than upon their Doom of Utrecht, or their neat Church of Tergo: theyll swear Godts Sacramenten, and by 10000 Tun of Divelen that God's word is heel goodt, and seer Vraectick, yet they must not they say, trust only unto that, or always be at prayers: in their Cups, they neither fear damning. nor doubt it; if HENRICK VAN DUNNS, and CORNELIUS VAN DER DOLTEN, and Captain JORIS SUNDER BROECKEN, with that extravagant, Mine here Van de Boors Schancen, meet as they usually do, with the stout Beer of the swaet perdt, or black Horse of Rotterdam; 'tis not four Brigad's of Devils, nor four Regiments of Spaniards, whom they fear as bad as Devils, nor yet a double Jury of their Elders, though they show a Geneva Commission, can rouse or remove them; then Broders, ought sister, oft Kindern, oft Diabolos are all alike, for Heaven there is so much holiness there, that (they say) there's no hopes, nor need of their Company: for Hell, they know most of their Country men live, and love to live in such low places, and therefore they had rather be there with their acquaintance, and Ancestors, then to strive to go thither where they doubt both acquaintance and entertainment. Let their Preachers say what they will, these will do what they list; they are hardly got to Church, and are glad when 'tis done, for as they go out, you shall hear them usually swear and curse.   

11. Their Time-serving.  
FOr the advancement whereof, they have neither wanted opportunity or Machivilian policy; they have been such Staten Heeren, that if some other States had not been as wise as they have been subtle and knavish, we should scarce have known what a clock it had been in England: how have they for many years deluded the French, Italian, Genoese, Venetians, Walloons, Swissers, Irish, Friezlanders, Highlanders, nay, have sucked advantages, and gulled even the great Mogul, the Turks, Persians, Indians, Tartars, Muscovites, Russians, Prussians, Polanders, Norwegians, Sweeds, Danes, Germans, Vandelopians, North Indians, or South-landers, Guineans, Diabolands, Calecutians, nay, their old enemies, the Spaniolos, and who sooner Cajold with the Portugals, than these phlegmatic Dutch? who knows not that though King JAMES of England was their Protector, yet the Isle of Rees, and other places of France, then in war with England, were supplied with new vessels, and old Brand wine men from Euchuysen, Vu●shing, and Rotterdam, yes, and were furnished with stout, gallant Ships, called profanely, Father, Son, and Holy Ghost? we protected them, and they protected France our Enemies, and sent Ammunition to shoot Bullets into our hearts, and yet were reputed Protestanten, and what cared they, so their Devil's nest (their Cantore) might be full, they have tampered about a Country called the Pallatinate, they regard friends no better than foes, nay, Enemies better than friends, if they can get moneys by them.   

12. Their unnatural Cruelty.  
Where they have either opportunity, or hearts to show it, they deal with their best friends as they do with their Salads when they are ripe, cut them to pieces and devour them; witness that bloody and unparalleled Burchery of the English at Amboyn in the East Indies, where their torments upon the brave English did exceed those of Pizzarro, or any other Spaniard in the West Indies, and cannot be equalled but by Devils or themselves; where they have not used it, it has not been for want of Will, but Power; they are like Butchers, they buy fat Oxen, not to keep them, but kill them: they know not what true valour is, and to speak truly, no such Tyrants as Cowards, when they can get the Mastery: I would have them dealt withal, as Stags, or such other Creatures cowardly of nature, and yet revengeful, to follow with a pack of lusty barking and biting hounds, good brass Cannon in our stout ships, they are at present on tiptoe, if well set to, they'll quickly alter that posture to the heel: they never fight upon equality, and do not so properly slay as murder whom they suspect; they love a Knife better than a Sword, and to stob privily, then to fight openly; let England look well to them, for if they become Masters, 'tis sure we shall be made slaves, or Butchered outright: they are to be kept like Horses, not pampered for fear of kicking, or casting their Masters: a good Bit in their mouths, and a whip in our hands is the only way to curb and awe such pampered Jades: if you ride them, you may rule them; if they rule you, they'll be sure to ruin you: we need not fear their courage, but their cowardly cruelty. One step further, and so I leave you.   

13. Their Incivility,  
OR indeed heathenish behaviour: Queen ELIZABETH said, that there was not a true bred Gentleman amongst them, but one, and that was Mine Hear Van Dort: but he's dead long ago, and surely died without Heirs or any kindred: for Boren there are in every place, and Boreneke, and these the Kindern Maercht. You cannot torment them worse, than to put off your hat, or congee or Compliment, for they'll only afford you a blockish nod, with lough mine here: one Compliment serves their whole Country, how is't mine here: belching, gaping, or farting is their Country fashion at Dinner or Supper; they rise, piss, and come to fill their bellies; washing their hands or their faces is rare, except they come under a Barber, and that perhaps may be after a half years Voyage, and it's a trouble to them, were it not for their Wives, they would smell as strong as Jews; they'll take all is given them, but for thanks you may have a fart: they are silent amongst strangers, but 'tis for fear if they should speak they should only be laughed at. ERASMUS their own Countryman sets them forth to the life: I am weary of them, and I'll so leave them. Only this for Conclusion, you may as well get a Wild Boar into a Doublet, as to make one of those Boorish Dutchmen to button his Doublet.   
FINIS.